#oh!!! and mayo????

[queenerdloser]

okay so i did that tomato poll and now i'm thinking about it and like. why DO we try to talk people out of disliking food? why is this a thing. i can't count the number of times where i'll casually say "oh i don't actually like tomatoes" and some random person will look at me like i've personally kicked them in the face and go "HOW can you NOT LIKE tomatoes???!!!??" idk man! i'm just a human being with taste preferences! like it's such a weird reaction to have.

like! and then people will try to talk me out of my food dislikes by listing stuff they think i should try with it in or listing off all the good things about that food that makes it too good to dislike or s/t and i'm just like. okay i'm glad you love the taste of ripe tomatoes or w/e but it still doesn't change my taste preferences. still doesn't make me like their soggy ass texture. why are you evangelizing this food to me right now!!!! just let me dislike it!!!!

idk it's just really weird. and maybe i'm more sensitive to it bc i had my taste preferences regularly disregarded when i was a kid by parents who thought if i "really tried it" i'd suddenly and mysteriously like it, but it's still weird that we can't just like. accept that some people just don't like foods that we like & move on with our lives.

[ororthor-25]

Ugh, I wish British people were real 😔

Welcome back to me using my artistic ability for the most random and silliest shit ever. Another fanart, who cheers?👍 Parasocial be damned..

[i-may-be-an-emu]

the boys modelling the merch on their website :)

Edit to add better pictures:

[letsbesharkfriends]

should we worry about their sanity or is it too late

[you-know-cchio]

in the words of another tom mayo character experiencing an unrequited love: "i'm happy to have a polyamorous thing"

[molvilkas]

A little comic I made mixing Mayoi's like for plushies (the appearance of both teddy bears is based on canon, the names and other plushies are hc) and gothic or otherwise depressing literature.

[scream-at-a-whisper]

One of those alignment chart things. :]

[sfth-ratings-and-reviews]

Oh my God, is this a Joke- 8/10

This play is, honestly, one of the top five plays for me. A world war 2 epic, a love triangle culminating in a thrilling sword fight- the story is coherent, the plot beats are well spaced, the characters are real and the acting top-notch. Sam repeatedly coming in as an unspecified beast to help out was brilliant comedically and just plain useful. Tom plays Xavier incredibly as a villain everyone loves to hate and hates to love. The love story is compelling and realistic (ish?), Luke plays a sassy french woman, the accents are on point, there are gay nazis (I'm moving into your western front!)...what more could you ask for? The only reason I'm taking off points is because of the amount of times the name of the village changed- from Von Ponte to Von Dante to Vonte de la Ponte, then back to Von Ponte...as well as Tom walking straight through a horse. Oh, and for Luke using the word d'accord way too often and incorrectly. Even with all that, it's a strong contender for best play of theirs.

[sreabhadh]

So. I slipped and fell. And now I have a nearly 2k word long Vortex fic to release into the wild. And yes, I do mean Vortex, not TexAid- this predates Vortex's death. (Don't worry, I'm getting there, I have plans). (There as in Vortex's death. I hope it turns out as juicy as I want it to and is as juicy to others as it is to me.

Mandatory Vortex trigger warning. I would say standard TexAid warning but First Aid isn't in this one.

Blood, gore, death, violence, language, Shockwave. I am scared enough of Shockwave to consider him his own trigger warning lol.

Hope you guys like it!

**********************************************************

Vortex’s vision was filling up with red. Figuratively. They were going to pay. Vortex had figured it all out, and they were going to pay. Vortex checked the time, grinding his teeth with a furious snarl. It’s not enough. Not enough for the bastards that did this. Not enough to make them bleed until their pristine white lab coats are the brightest shade of red. Not enough to make them drown in their own precious fluids, with as many holes and cuts on their bodies as Vortex’s little brother had bandages on his body. A stab of the knife for every stab of the needle, a twist of the knife for every bruise, a slice for every inch of cloth wrapped around him. They brought Swindle to the edge of death then made him dance. Vortex was going to make them beg for such a merciful treatment, and then he would make sure they never came back.

His fingers ran over each of his weapons in each of their hidden pockets and sheaths, memorizing them physically, where each one was and how many he had of each. Technically, he wasn’t supposed to have any of them. Vortex had gotten quite skilled at hiding them though, and his stockpiles had grown substantially over the years. They were going to be quite useful tonight. Tonight there was a meeting of the higher ups, to discuss the recent influx of monsters on the Western plains. Vortex hadn’t received an invitation, but he was writing his own. He’d have to write it after he was already inside, which wasn’t how invitations worked, but he needed blood to write this invitation, and he wasn’t going to use his, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to use Swindler’s. It was fine. He’d just write the invitation so it would be inviting them to hell, instead of inviting himself to the party. They had gotten lax. They’d trained their attack dog, set him loose on monsters, promoted him, given him treats and trinkets, forgetting more and more every day to worry about how his teeth would feel piercing their flesh. Vortex could act like a good boy, walk right in on their party, and unleash hell. And boy was it going to be a hell of a party.

Vortex’s vision filled with red. Literally. It was such a beautiful color. Made a real splash on the decor. Literally. The screaming had already started, though Vortex had only just begun. His first target, the one most responsible for what had been done to Swindle and the others, lay on the table choking on his own velvet-colored fluids as they eagerly ate up the horde of white sheets and notes of paper lining the table edges. Vortex’s remaining party poppers, the other inhabitants of the room had scattered, clambering over one another to get to the door. Which wasn’t working, silly thing. Them and their fancy automatic doors made of fancy metal to keep them safe. Never did work correctly when there were psychopathic murders on the loose and killing everyone in the room. How inconvenient. For them. Vortex grinned like a mad man, hopping up on the table with the glee of a 5 year old on their birthday. Like a normal 5 year old that is- Vortex couldn’t remember any birthday parties at that or any other age. He sniggered, then lost himself in a howl of truly demonic laughter. It wasn’t his birthday, but it was never too late to make up for lost time.

“WELCOME TO MY PARTY YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING PIECES OF SHIT!” Vortex crowed from his new table for standing on and giving ominous speeches of vengeance (now in deep cherry red, no tablecloth required to provide a pop of color).

One person was still sitting at the table, probably in shock. Vortex ignored them. He could kill them after their panic set in enough to make them scream in terror. Failing that he could just make them scream in agony.

Many in the room turned from their fleeing positions to regard him with horror. Others ignored him, banging and slamming on the door, calling for help. Ha. Idiots.

“I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY WHAT I’VE PREPARED, THOUGH NONE OF YOU CAN STAY FOR VERY LONG-”

Vortex gave the line a moment to sink in their panic-filled heads before continuing.

“AS YOU’LL ALL BE RECEIVING A PERSONAL ONE-WAY INVITATION TO A VERY SPECIAL PLACE!”

“YOU MAY HAVE HEARD OF IT! IT’S MUCH BETTER THAN HERE REALLY, YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE IT!”

“Bloody hell!” someone exclaimed. Vortex shot them in the head. The air exploded with a new chorus of shrieks and screams as vibrant as the colors that had exploded from the skull he shot. The monster-slaying caliber weapon might have been a bit overkill and then some on a human head. Some of the shrapnel embedded itself in other people’s bodies and skulls. It was perfect. The screams were delicious.

“EXACTLY! HELL! CONGRATS YOU FIGURED IT OUT! YOU ALL GET A ONE WAY TICKET TO HELL, FREE OF CHARGE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO EVERYONE, IT’S THE LAST THING YOU’LL CELEBRATE!”

That last line hadn’t come out quite how Vortex wanted, but the lab coats and neck ties were still quaking in terror, so it was doing its job regardless.

Vortex lifted the now-dead corpse on the table by the collar of its tie. This is what they would all get for hurting his family. For hurting Swindle. He wanted to yell that part more ferociously than he had anything else, but he couldn’t. He had been conditioned into not showing any weakness and not giving the enemy anything to work with. He wasn’t going to give them that. They could die not knowing exactly what they had died for, but Vortex would know. That’s what mattered.

Vortex stabbed the corpse a few dozen times for good measure. He’d been distracted enough not to notice when exactly the man had expired, but he wasn’t breathing, and never would, which Vortex took as a good thing. Disappointing that he had gone so quickly, the bastard deserved worse than that, but at least he was gone. He’d never hurt Swindle or anyone else ever again. Now for the others. Cowering and cringing before him like, well, he didn’t have anything pathetic enough to compare them to. These were the people responsible for so many deaths and so much suffering and they couldn’t handle a little blood? A single combatant? There were more than enough of them to have at least tried fighting him, but no one seemed inclined.

Or not. Vortex whipped around at the sound of a scraping chair, ready to defend himself and fell his attacking victim. To put them down like they fucking deserved. The person with the chair wasn’t attacking though. They merely had a hand on the back of it, and their face was turned away from Vortex. The hell was that about? It was the person who had stayed sitting earlier, the one in shock. What were they doing? Were they still in shock? They didn’t look like they were in shock, though Vortex couldn’t tell without being able to see their face.

Alarm bells rang in Vortex’s mind, and he instantly shifted from gleeful murder spree mode to careful predator mode. He couldn’t be sure what this person thought they had up their sleeve or what they were doing, but it wasn’t going to get in the way of his vengeance. Or his fun.

Languidly, they brought a hand up to their face, then cast it aside like a used cigarette. The mask they discarded crashed noisily against the wall and down to the floor, electronic pieces sparking and fizzing as they continued to display the holographic image of a normal person’s face. Vortex felt his heart begin to race. There was only one person on base ever rumored or seen to wear a mask. He hadn’t realized there was a holographic aspect to the mask. He’d never heard of that, but he did know of one person who supposedly wore a mask.

The figure turned, and Vortex felt a wave of terror roll over him. One eye. No face. One eye, glowing with quiet confidence and casual malice. How many people had seen Shockwave’s face and lived to tell the tale? It’s him. Vortex’s knees buckled, almost sending him spilling off the table like a fumbled glass of milk. A number of the other occupants in the room passed out.

Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit shit FUCK. It was him. He was real. He was real and staring Vortex right in the face. Unblinking with his singular nonhuman eye. It- he, Shockwave- tilted his head. A question. A challenge. That much Vortex could read in the monster’s cold humanoid figure. Vortex no longer felt like a careful predator or a gleeful 5 year old.

He felt very small, and very tiny. As insignificant and meaningless as a dented piece of equipment that had finally stopped serving its purpose. A crippled rat strung up and helpless to the slaughter. Vortex snarled, though his heart wasn’t in it. He lifted his monster-slaying gun by instinct with the battle-hardened limbs and muscles trained to work long after Vortex’s mind had taken a leave of absence. He fired. And fired again, then again, and again, releasing a halestorm of fire. Surely that would work. Surely it had to. Surely. He’d never make fun of anyone for using an overpowered gun instead of a good knife ever again. Sometimes guns were overpowered for a reason.

Sometimes being overpowered wasn’t enough. The gun overheated, safety fail clicking on, rendering it useless. The gun slipped from Vortex’s fingers, then clattered hollowly to the table. Vortex wanted to run. Wanted to hide. Find the darkest, quietest, most remote corner of existence and curl up inside it and whimper like a kicked pup. Fear. Vortex had not felt that emotion, truly felt it, been consumed by it in a very long time. He had banished it, cut it out with his bare hands and removed it forever. No longer. Vortex was afraid. More so than he had ever been in his entire life. More than every terrifying moment and memory of his life combined. He had enough to fill a stadium with, but they wilted in comparison to this. This thing. The monster. Shockwave.

Shockwave stood, unmoved, unconcerned. He, it had not a scrap of clothing left, but Shockwave had no need for human decency. Shockwave was not human. His metallic “skin” fuzzed a moment, then was replaced with the holographic image of clothing. It was a bit blurry, but it didn’t matter. The wall, the ceiling and floor, that entire section of the room had been destroyed. Shockwave stood in the midst, completely unharmed. Completely unphased.

Vortex still wanted to run. Wanted to whimper and hide. But he was dead now anyway, so he gave his best snarl, which came out as a half-choked hiss, and lunged, aiming for that singular sinister eye with his good knife hand.

Shockwave caught him by the throat, and Vortex felt the hologram fizz uncomfortably against the skin beneath the vice grip of Shockwave’s cold metal fingers. Vortex’s body moved reflexively, mind working desperately, but his attempts were as fruitless as before. He could kick, punch, jab and twist as finely as the best trained wolf, which he was, but in Shockwave’s grasp he was but a mewling pup.

Shockwave slammed Vortex into the wall, and Vortex heard himself cry out. It was a far away sound, and his vision swam, the concussion from the blow already threatening to shut his brain down. Shockwave slammed him into the wall again, and Vortex groaned, unbeknownst to himself. His body rag-dolled limply in Shockwave’s grasp. Vortex was out like the light of a birthday candle on a lone velvet cupcake.

[yutamayo]

oh no mayo headers are ab to get out of hand

[gojinka]

I love food. Big fan of food. am I consistently and constantly hungry. Food is the best thing. Wow. Can’t believe I live on a planet where I can eat and taste. I can bring food for my friends. I can slice it in half. I can make an ugly bacon egg sandwich just for me. I can reheat food. I can melt cheese on chips. I can give my friends the black licorice jelly beans. I can give my cat a tiny piece of chicken from my bowl. I can cook food. I can season grilled foods spicy in separate batches for my friends with a low spice tolerance. Wow. You can eat . you should eat. I love a burger.

[lyqiche]

so i havent drawn at all for days since i got into stardew valley (grinded my way to get haley's affection) and how coincidental. that

what the

[friendofthesharks]

These men are the same person in different fonts

[i-may-be-an-emu]

JUST. JUST THE WAY SAM IS HOLDING AJ’S HAND THE ENTIRE TIME. THE ENTIRE TIME. THE WAY TOM IS HOLDING SAM. THE WAY THE VIDEO STARTS RIGHT WHEN LUKE HAD A HAND ON AJ’S HEAD. THE WAY LUKE CASUALLY FIDDLES WITH TOM’S EAR. SAMS HAND ON TOM’S KNEE. THE CAMERA CUTTING FROM WHEN LUKE HAD BEEN HUGGING AJ ON THE FIRST CUT. THE WAY THAT THEY’RE ALL SMILING AND HAPPY THE WHOLE TIME. NOT TO MENTION THAT ALL OF THEM ARE SMUSHED TOGETHER ON ONE COUCH. I- WHAT. I SIMPLY CAN NOT WHEN MEN *dies*

[letsbesharkfriends]

beautiful beautiful beautiful

[you-know-cchio]

i feel like yapping and i saw some others doing this so

here are my top 15 sfth longforms:

edit: this was actually so difficult, which is a true testament to the quality of content sfth publish. also my list accidentally turned out to be so long even after some editing, so im putting the entire thing under the cut. feel free to reblog with your own list, i really like seeing which longforms other people enjoy.

15. the meringue haberdashery

people sleep on this one but i really like it. a villain ending played by none other than luke (wo)manning from essex himself??? Immaculate.

14. the angel massacre (patreon livestream)

tom argues with god. poirley goittes. the power of therapy. and none of it is sexual except that brief bit with jigglypuff, onix, and lucario.

13. wild, wet, and worrisome

the play starts with aj asking sam to shut up and ends with sam agreeing to shut up. the plot is simple and the comedy is so effective. big fan of tom's beautiful siren call and no slut-shaming policy. "be happy, find love."

12. keith the delivery guy (patreon - fringe 2024)

luke plays two characters at once while the other three mime ping pong in the background. sam and tom contemplate death. aj is a bad arse fucker with abs.

11. the mystery of the midnight circus

tom plays a slowly deteriorating genius So Well. and the Twist genuinely got me, because i honestly had no idea how they were going to tie together a conclusion. i also have to give sam his flowers for that descent into madness at the end. it was an incredible monologue that gave me the heebie-jeebies the first time i watched it. these guys are all so fucking chaotic but they're also Phenomenal actors.

10. the leftenmost window

honestly for swooping in with a believable explanation for why sam was left on stage while aj and luke talked offstage, tom deserved to do whatever he wanted in that theater. also luke tying the astral projection abilities in with the war story was such a smart decision. like i know these guys have been doing this for over a decade but im always amazed by their ability to pull together a cohesive narrative on the spot. luke's impassioned "darling i love you" monologue was also so so perfect. and i gotta give aj his flowers too. the man was so locked in that he referenced the comment luke made in the beginning about the boer war. an occurrence so surprising that sam even broke character for a brief second to acknowledge it.

9. disco tango at the rugby club (patreon livestream)

aj doesn't know what a hooker is. sam doesn't know what empathy is. luke doesn't know if he'll ever grow to be *this* tall. but all three of them do know how to make math puns. (this is what happens when tom isn't there.)

8. toby's secret pocket

this longform is just a thinly veiled excuse for the four of them to fuck with each other for 35 minutes. and i loved every second of it. luke making sam define comptroller. tom inserting himself in the office scene as a bit only to become the fan favorite character. sam excusing himself from the scene. aj going against his own character's decision to include himself in the investigation so he didn't have to sit on the side for the rest of the show. also gotta give tom his flowers for his Brilliant execution of the final confrontation between don ciciccio and jimmy.

7. strange noises from the hole in the wall

what do you get when you mix a horror/thriller plot with a tom mayo villain? a masterpiece, that's what. also, usually they're confined to a tiny black box with little space between the stage and the audience or, in the case of their specials, they're on a giant stage they can't easily leave. so i loved how the guys used every resource available to them in that venue. stairs on the sides. the tall metal chairs. the circle frog bucket sign. the handheld mics. the space in front of the stage. this longform also centered around a more abstract central concept and they managed to pull off "some amazing special effects". also i learned the british version of "if you see something, say something".

6. the unrelenting aubergine

an Iconic longform, featuring all the classic sfth hallmarks. aj voluntarily introducing a character that slaps him repeatedly. sam being more than happy to oblige. tom taking it upon himself to work in a rather poignant love story. luke tying it all together at the end with the inevitable dick joke. perfect, no notes.

5. drama at till 4 (patreon exclusive longform)

four white men in their mid-thirties portray the awkwardness, turbulence, and angst of navigating teenage girlhood in 20 minutes with surprising accuracy. also, salmon is now reduced.

4. ballet on the battlefield

alexa and janusz my absolute Beloveds who live happily ever after. the two of them escaping through the window at the end was truly an impressive feat. love how tom timed the macarena perfectly so that right as the daydream sequence ends he's facing the kaiser. love aj's extensive range of characters: serious russian, camp german, fast byierd, window foundation. and love luke. end of sentence.

3. snakehips (patreon livestream)

a chaotic spin on the classic western that ends with two men, standing shoulder to shoulder.

2. the milkman

who needs therapy when you can listen to luke manning laugh.

1. the grape depression

perhaps not a surprise given my choice of url. everything from the storyline to the pacing to the acting was absolutely perfect. tom's comedic timing as a loveable, innocent child perfectly balances out the otherwise sobering plot and rather dark climatic twist. aj also absolutely shines in this longform, i really like his serious characters. i know it's not as chaotic as most of their other content, but it is what i show people when they ask about sfth.