#off my meds because I dont have a psychiatrist

[whotfislynn]

Can I have like, one break? Like, please. Like this is making me crazy and I don’t understand what is going on and I think I don’t want to but I also really want to. Can I just sleep? Have one thought at a time? Maybe not have the weird urge to spend an insane amount of money (that I dont have) or drink an excessive amount of alcohol alone in my room? Can I please know how Ill feel in 5 minutes? Can I please don’t get angry and frustrated and become the worst possible human being?…..gimme a break. I am begging you. I just want one minute of peace

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Just remembered I have a psychiatrist appointment so early tomorrow. And I obviously dyed my hair so recently because there's green staining on my face. I don't think it's going to look great for the bipolar diagnosis, to disclose that I was feeling impulsive and wanted to get control over something, so I dyed my hair at midnight.

[gayhenrycreel]

amatonormativity can only be defeated if society learns that people can have different needs.

most people need sex. i need sex to stay mentally healthy, but not everyone is the same. i also need gluten, but some people get really sick from it. a lot of people need romantic love for emotional fulfillment, which i will never understand and find very strange, but thats okay, because people are different.

ableism is also tied into this. i need things to be explained very clearly, often multiple times, otherwise i dont understand. sometimes im literally unable to process sound enough to understand what people are saying. most people dont need basic sentences explained multiple times to understand, so i have a need that others dont have.

a lot of amatonormativity is similar to ableism. i theorize this is because society views both lack of attraction and disability as biological inferiorities that need "curing". this is why historical queerphobia is extremely ableist. electro conversion therapy is exactly the same thing one of my dead relatives suffered for being mentally ill (note that this form of... well, torture, literally cooks brain cells, eventually having similar effects as a lobotomy).

intersex people are often forced on hrt that makes them sick, because perisex society believes that "normalcy" is what people need.

ive heard of asexuals being forced on libido meds because asexuality is assumed to be a medical condition.

all of these are forms of conversion therapy (if your country has not banned igm, conversion therapy is still legal, sorry).

again with the inherent ableism, i used to have problems with anxiety induced meltdowns, and my psychiatrist assumed it was because of my already treated adhd. he forced me on ritalin, which i already had a record of it not working for me. my adhd meds that work were taken from me and i had to take whats basically mild meth. for 3 days straight, i had a panic attack. singular. it continued for days without stopping. as soon as this started happening my mum took me off ritaln, against that doctors orders. for a week i had no adhd meds, so i microdosed magic mushrooms and my anxiety (and adhd) caused no problems for that whole week.

all of these are medical assumptions, assumptions that a non existent problem needs curing. my adhd was fine. i was treated with a med that had worked since i was 5.

theres a huge similarity between gay men being forced on testosterone to try to make them more masculine, and me being forced on ritalin to treat a medical issue that didn't exist in an attempt to make me normal. (the problem i had was much more about my autism not being accommodated btw).

queerphobia and ableism have been intertwined since western society came up with eugenics.

i dont need to be fixed, i need to be loved instead of treated like a problem. people always think my autism is "worse" when they abuse me, and its just because i cant mask when im scared. it becomes a cycle of me being abused for not masking, and not masking because im scared. in the same way, things like psychosis are made infinitely worse by psych wards. can you imagine having a delusion that the government is hunting you and then actual cops throw you in a cell and drug you? thats reality for many psychotics! it happened to me, and everytime i became more convinced that i was being tracked.

queerness is treated how disabilities are treated, because to the medical system they are the same: disorders, and disorders are inferior.

in both cases people just need to be cared for. we may be totally different, but we have so many similarities in our experiences.

a society that sees us as the same will treat us the same.

[compassionatereminders]

How do you get over dislike/distrust in therapy?

Ive been seieng shrinks on and off since i was 12. they only ever were effective for getting me medication or telling my parents to stop being dicks. as an adult, ive tried a few different therapists but the search is exhausting, and even after finding someone, it always ends up being annoying, akward, and obvious they dont actually care

I know therapy is good and would help me etc, but finding therapists is damn near impossible, let alone finding a good one. Theyre all overbooked and its hard to see a therapist caring about me in any way more than "Person who pays money to sit around while i join the zoom call late and force them to meditate while i try to remember why theyre seeing me"

My psychiatrist decided to drop me because I couldnt find any therapists available as I work 40+ hours a week, and tbh her dropping me didnt inspire me to look harder, its just making me want to give up on all of this entirely (luckily my PCP will keep providing my meds but jfc)

I'm gonna butt in with the controversial opinion that you do not have to be in therapy if you do not want to be and also haven't benefitted from it. There are other ways to work on yourself which are just as valid - and while therapy CAN be really good and helpful, it is not actually inherently superior to all other coping strategies.

[rt-lots]

who wants to hear way too much info on my thoughts about being medicated/seeing a psychiatrist/going to therapy? read more for more

this isn't a vent post really i just wanna talk about my thoughts. post is under the cut because if people don't wanna be subjected to my brain then they shouldn't have to be.

im in a really weird spot with my mental health treatment right now because i simultaneously am very adverse to going to therapy but also am annoyed with my doctors' recent attempts to change my medication. im getting tired of going on and off stuff and altering my doses and stuff just because im not like... Good? if i understand it right. im BETTER, and id rather leave it at that then keep trying to fix myself.

which is where it gets weird, because i really, REALLY want to be fixed. it's part of why i don't want to do therapy. i just want my brain to be normal and ill handle the rest on my own. but after talking about drug interactions and side effects and my doctor saying i shouldn't be on stimulants long-term, i realized wholly, certainly this time, that no amount of pills are going to "fix" me. not even therapy "fixes" you. its not about getting "fixed". and it's probably the wrong way of going about things, but MY way of going about accepting this is the desire to just stick with what works. im still depressed, but a few missed weeks have taught me that oh my GOD antidepressants help. where im at with my doses and stuff works! at least it has. like im still depressed Whatever but its manageable, and i think im done trying to do better than manageable.

my doctor put me on new adhd meds to replace my stimulants and that's what's got me all in my head about all this. ive been feeling Not Good when before i could've at least been Not Great. its rough because now how am i supposed to even know WHAT im feeling if anything could just be a side effect of my new stuff? my newest pills came with a fucking behemoth list of side effects and background info so i feel like im not really "myself" while im trying it. (its not really helping my adhd, btw. i don't think ill keep being on these for long, so it's hard to even respect my routine while they're a part of it.)

she described the prospect of non stimulant adhd meds to me as being like "if you were a person all the time, instead of just when you take your pill" but it doesn't feel like that at all. everything's just weird and foggy. my days keep blending together and i feel like im getting more and more tired. im up but im not really awake. and i know this isn't a reason to give up on non-stimulants alltogether- this specific pill just doesn't work for me, and that's fine- but my prescriptions are all fucked up now because of it. like, the pharmacy said they were removing my anti depressants because of these new meds?? can they do that??? and i think they like unsubscribed me from adderall or whatever. so if i wanna go back to normal i need neewwww prescriptions and newww meetings and i don't wANNAAAAA I JUST DONT WANNA BRAH.

i wrote this all out a month ago i think and it actually hasn't gotten any better since. my psychiatrist didn't listen to me when i said the adhd meds don't help and prescribed me bubroprion to help me with staying awake. it doesn't do anything for me and everything's just getting worse. sometimes I don't feel like a person. people say things to me and i have to muster up my last bit of energy to put any emotion into my voice so they don't think I'm uninterested. im tired so so much and I'm spending 12 hours a day in bed. My rigorous routine i set up collapses so easily and when it does it's impossible to recover from. If I don't wake up at 7 my day is completely wasted. im running out of options. i just want to go back to my prior medication. I don't know what is side effects and what is depression and what is some other third thing but I don't even care, I want to go back to when things felt better than when they felt worse. Because fuck, I'm trying so hard and it's getting worse. I don't care that it's nonlinear. i feel like no one even takes it seriously how debilitating this is. i don't enjoy doing anything except engaging in interests and hyperfixations i don't have the energy to engage in. im so so tired. im not doing "not good" I'm doing BAD. my psychiatrist told me she didn't want to give me adderall just so I could sit on my computer all day but im not even awake enough to do that anymore. im so tired. I don't know what to do

[spaceumbredoggos]

HIRSHEY BAR DIDNT LET ME PUT ANY KENZ SPOILERS IN MY BOOK. SPOILSPORT. HERE’S SOME EMBARRASSING KENZ SECRETS:

THEY PISSED THEMSELF IN THIRD GRADE AND CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT AT NIGHT

I LIKE TO PUT REALLY DARK THOUGHTS IN THEIR HEAD TO SEE THEIR REACTION. THEY KNOW ITS ME AND THEY DONT BOTHER TO TELL THEIR THERAPISTS OR PSYCHIATRISTS ABOUT IT. PROBABLY BECAUSE THEYRE EMBARRASED TO BE THAT OBSESSED WITH GRAVITY FALLS.

THEY USED TO HAVE PHYSICAL CAT SHIFTS WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE. THEY WERE SHAMED OUT OF IT.

THEY CANT STOP WATCHING PSYCH WARD TIKTOKS AND REQUIRES THE CHAOS OF YOUTUBERS BEING EXPOSED, TLC, WORLD’ STRICTEST PARENTS, AND SOMETIMES OLD MINECRAFT VIDEOS IN ORDER TO FUNCTION. TIKTOK AND YOUTUBE SHORTS HAS FRIED THEIR BRAIN THAT MUCH YET THEY WONT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSE THEY DONT WANT TO PROVE THEIR DAD RIGHT.

I CAUGHT THEM TRYING TO SACRIFICE SOME OF THEIR BLOOD TO ME IN ONE OF THEIR JOURNALS.

THEY LOVE BEING POSSESSED BY ME. ITS SO EASY TO JUST TAKE OVER THEIR MIND AND WATCH THEM DOZE OFF AND TAKE A BREAK FROM EXISTING. THEYRE CONSTANTLY TIRED FROM EITHER THEIR MEDS, THEIR ADHD, OR BOREDOM. THEIR MIND IS A WELL ORGANIZED PLACE WITH LOTS OF PROTECTIVE MEASURES. BUT I CAN EXPLOIT EVERYTHING.

ZIEZ NEVER FORGAVE THEMSELF FROM WHEN THEY WERE TEN YEARS OLD AND DISSOCIATED TO THE POINT OF SKINNING A SNAKE ALIVE AND FEEDING IT TO THEIR DOG. PROBABLY DOESNT HELP THAT THEIR STEP MOM AND DAD KEPT BRINGING IT UP.

I SOMETIMES INVADE THEIR BRAIN WHEN THEYRE ASLEEP ON THEIR INFLATABLE ORCA WHALE IN THE POOL. WATER CALMS THEM DOWN.

THEY LIVE PLATONIC SNUGGLES BUT THE VERY SIGHT OF ANYTHING SEXUAL SENDS THEM INTO A SQUICK ANEURYSM. THEY CAN READ IT JUST FINE, BUT THE SIGHT OF A COCK OR ANY NAKED BODY CAUSES THEM TO LEAVE THE INTERNET. THEY HATE SEX AND THEIR DARK AND TWI—

I just awoke from a nap just now. Woah. Don’t want him revealing that. But yeah. I hate sex. I hate that my body wants sex. I hate having sexual fantasies. I want to have normal fantasies back when I didn’t know what sex was.

[ghoulodont]

hi do you guys want to see what i do all day on sick leave on this stupid antipsychotic thats not helping and making everything worse. ive been researching what to ask my psychiatrist for and this image keeps coming up (i cut off the end because its just listing different medications) and its pissing me the fuck off. its "recommendations" of what to do when an antipsychotic causes akathisia which is basically restlessness, like a physical need to move.

3rd priority option is to take a medication to make it better which is what im doing currently (it doesnt work) and i want to try a different one.

2nd priority option is to fuck around with antipsychotics. this sounds logical at first because if you stop taking the med causing akathisia it usually stops the akathisia but then you have to try new meds, your symptoms get worse, nightmare, evil, horrible, et cetera.

whats making me so annoyed is the 1st option. psychosocial intervention? it means "patient education" and things like that. this image is saying that if your patient is experiencing a genuinely torturous side effect is to tell them dont worry, its normal, remember its worth it to make your symptoms go away, try using cbt skills maybe, please dont kill yourself, and so forth. so demeaning

they literally used this for torture. like the soviet union or whoever gave people haldol to make them have this side effect. just trust me i dont feel like looking it up

[conanssummerchild]

okay so id initially put this in the tags of your ask but i thought id put it in your askbox so you don't feel obligated to answer it or you wanna answer privately instead cause it's very rambly and kinda personal

#also im curious. what do you do after you get an autism dx?#because like back when my psychiatrist evaluated me for a bunch of things. i was curious if i was somewhere on the autism spectrum too#cause i did check a lot of boxes#and she essentially told me i have a lot of the overlapping stuff because of other conditions and i could do the autism evaluation#but it would be a waste of time for me because it wasnt my main dx and doesn't make my life unbearable#because im already taking meds and shit for other stuff but you dont take meds or really do anything about having autism#so she basically told me you might be on the spectrum but there's no point in getting a dx cause it doesnt change anything#but also cuz for me it's probably mild and doesnt affect my every day life that much#so yeah i guess i was curious. im so sorry if this comes off as rude btw#because i know getting dxed changed my life and its so much better now. and im so proud of you for that finally happening#and my situation is very different from yours like even if i am on the spectrum it probably doesn't affect me to an extent where it fucks#with my every day life to an unbearable degree yk#but im definitely curious about how you go forward once you get an autism diagnosis when it does significantly affect your life. like do you do anything about it?#i do know it's validating as hell and your parents will finally take you seriously. cause you've obviously known for a while#and again i know its gonna get so much better hereon. getting dxed literally changes your life and im so so happy for you#how did your family and everyone take it?#like i had the worst relationship with my parents i was gonna cut them off after school but it got so much better after my dx#like they became so much more understanding and like put in the effort to change and be better and its still a long road but yeah#it's kind of fucking awesome and life changing and i really hope it is for you too#im so so so happy for you

well i guess i dont really know yet, i had an appointment yesterday at school hours and i went alone and then i went straight back to school and now im at my friends house so i havent seen my parents yet. i have my last appointment with my psycologist in 2 weeks and that one is with my parents so its basically when shes going to tell them, i dont plan on telling my dad about it before then bcs he can go fuck himself but i am going to tell my mum as soon as she gets home from barcelona. so i cant really say anything parents-wise yet. as for like outside that at the moment theres really nothing at all i can do until my parents are in on it, since im a minor my parents are the ones who choose if the school knows and i can get accomodations but if they choose not to tell them theres really not much i can do, so for me a diagnosis doesnt change much (apart from FINALLY after more than EIGHT years knowing whats different abt me) unless my parents let it change stuff, and at the moment i font know if they will :/, so to answer "what do you do after a diagnosis?" i really dont know. if u want to get diagnosed though and u think you could i would probably go for it, you can keep it to urself since ur over 18 so u dont have to tell anyone else if u dont want to and idk it might come in handy even if it doesnt it is nice to feel validated but anyway its up to you <3

ps: you can literally ask me anything u want to know i dont mind and dont worry abt coming off as rude i dont think u r <33 love u

[feeling-kinda-sad-ngl]

i have adhd in my diagnosis list thingie but my psychiatrist took me off those meds (i think i remember them helping? actually i cant remember anything ever huh,, anyway,) because she was like i dont want to keep you on those meds since you werent properly tested for any of it but ill look into testing for you

THEN SHE NEVER DIDDDDD

and i shouldve probably kept asking her abt it but tbh i dont think i ever remembered it during appts

AND NOW SHE LEFT AND I DONT SEE A NEW PSYCHIATRIST UNTIL NOVEMBER 27

[lolitalempicka]

something my psychiatrists in teh years never dont understan is how the therapy is was destroyed me just like the medicstion i used to be so happy when i was seeverly underweighr bc iv eslways known my calling was to sacrifice and when i was 16 nd i thought saint catherine was talkinf to me i had never felt more comforted and now im miserable my body doesnt fit my soul the therapy broight me away from my true self and public rehab just put me back in a cylxe of psychological torture and relapse i cant deal havinf to weigh myself everytime i have an apointment i need someone who will see past my esting disorder bc it wasnt really a disorder but a fragment of a bigger identity im trying to fulfill its never been about being skinnt it is about living like im meant to be. Why do they take away the universe speaking to me but its cool when dudes take psychedelics and have hallucinations i want rhem back. Theres not a day where im not miserable im only happy when im off my meds because i start FERLing and LOVING again and im not an apathetic amoeba who lives like a worm. I domt need drugs to unlock my psychic powers. I already am prone to them. The medication takes away my true self identity and now im old my body is fucked its harder and harder to get back to my truest form and i miss my real self. anorexia is just a label they put on me and they put me in a bubble where i cant get help anymore because now myy

[sp00kyw0o]

i started having symptoms of depression when i was in 7th grade. my older brother had already been diagnosed with depression at that point, and it ran in my family. because of this, my mom took me to a therapist and psychiatrist. because of my family history and the severity of my symptoms, i was started on a low dose of prozac. i took it every day for about half a year. it was helping. i felt better.

then i stopped taking it every day, because i felt better now so why would i need it anymore. the day after i didnt take it, i would always feel inexplicably down. i started skipping classes, i started staying in bed all day. i stopped eating.

i was fully off my meds by this point, but what was happening, i thought i was cured? the medicine worked, right? why am i not better?

enter: high school. i got new meds. same cycle.

i would take them until i felt consistently better, then i would stop. because i thought i was "cured." because i thought if i cant be happy without my medicine then i must be a freak or i must be addicted to it. what would happen if i have to take these pills for the rest of my life?

i almost didnt walk at my graduation because i missed over half the school days that year due to depression/other symptoms. i still have to fight with myself every morning to take my pills, because what if i get addicted? yes they make me happy, and they arent technically addictive, but media and society has taught me that taking pills is bad and evil. im wrong for taking them. im wrong for feeling good.

my point is: dont be afraid of things that make you happy. yes, some pills can be addictive. but you dont need to be scared of them, just aware and cautious.

and most importantly

you are not wrong for needing to take medicine, you do not need to be ashamed that you have found something that helps you. use it.

The other day I told a friend of mine that I never forget to take my ADHD meds because I fucking love my ADHD meds. I'm in my late 30s, I didn't finally get a diagnosis and meds until less than two years ago, and they have changed my entire life.

And he raised his eyebrow at me. We'd been discussing addictive medications a few minutes before, like the Tramadol I finally got from the pain specialist to take once a week or so to give me a break from my chronic pain, so I reassured him that methylpenidate (Ritalin/Concerta) is not addictive (at least not in people with ADHD).

His response? To raise his eyebrow even harder and say "Well it sure SOUNDS like it's addictive!"

And I had to explain to this man - who works in a healthcare related job by the way - that just because medication makes you feel good and helps you, just because you look forward to taking it, that doesn't make it addictive or dangerous. And he wasn't convinced.

The simple fact that I was excited to take a daily pill that has literally changed my life, after decades of fighting to get that medication, made him think I shouldn't be taking it so often. That it must inherently be dangerous.

I'm not even in America, but I'm pretty sure this attitude began there and then spread over here to Europe. This Puritan idea of "if something feels good, you must beware of it. Pleasure is dangerous, it is sinful, it is addiction, it is evil."

I know too many people who subconsciously believe that pleasure = addictive = dangerous = bad. Joy is a slippery slope to hell.

So here is your reminder for today that you don't need to be afraid of feeling good. If something improves your life, use it. Even if it is addictive - learn what that addiction means, whether the addiction is inherently dangerous or not, and whether the benefits outweigh the drawbacks and risks.

My ADHD meds are, in fact, not addictive. But I will take them every day because they make my life orders of magnitude easier. I will enjoy them every time I take them.

My tramadol is addictive. I will still take it. I will keep it on a schedule to avoid becoming addicted, primarily because addiction in this case would mean reduced effectiveness. But I am not afraid of my painkillers. They are life changing.

Take your meds, everyone. Don't let anyone scare you away from doing something that improves your life.

[cellophobia]

i went to the psychiatrist today and there is so much to fucking say. she was like "i don't know if im the provider for you if you can't stay on your medications" and "we keep changing things around and nothing is working."

i GET the not staying on meds part but girl ive been taking this medication for 10 months and ive been taking antipsychotics in general, CONSISTENTLY, for 2.5 years. is it not fucking valid to say that i don't want to take them anymore? just because im bipolar, i have to listen to you and put something in my body that I Don't Want To Put In My Body??? especially a medication class that is KNOWN to have some of the worst side effects of any mental health med.

antipsychotics have made me a zombie. they have made me stupid. they've made me emotionless and stoic and anhedonic. i have tried killing myself THREE TIMES this year alone and i was hospitalized multiple times for ideation from 2022-2023. guess how many times i was hospitalized from 2015-2022? ONCE. it's just getting fucking worse and worse and i can't imagine that it's a coincidence that it started getting worse once i started these meds.

i know hypomania can progress into mania and it's not always fun but holy fuck. she finally gave in and prescribed me lithium to try again but fuck it. i don't even want to see her again. i thought she was on my side but it seems like along with Every Fucking Person, she judges me. why can't i just be? why do i have to do this?

i honestly just don't give a fuck anymore. judge me for getting off my meds and judge me for being fat and judge me for getting high all the time. i've tried to hide it, i really have. if i get "bad" food, i hide it in the side yard so i can go get it without my mom seeing. but what's the fucking point? i don't care today. i walked in with booze and a soda and ice cream and no i really couldn't afford it but this will make me feel better, and maybe getting fucked up will make me feel better too.

im sorry but if i have to choose between brain damage from mania or brain damage from severe, persistent depression, im gonna choose the mania. and if you don't fucking sympathize with me and tsk tsk at me like i don't fucking know what i'm doing, then i really dont need you in my life.

[halfdeadwallfly]

every time i have a mental problem i have to go through my regular doctor to do anything about it. so i just went in to get a referral for an adhd assessment (bc for some reason my psychiatrist isnt allowed to do it) and like every time ive gone in they say ok sure but its probably anxiety. have you thought about the fact that it might be anxiety. your therapist might not have brought this up but in addition to whatever youre trying to figure out.... have you thought about anxiety? because anxiety often has symptoms. and sometimes. well sometimes those symptoms cause problems. so what if your problems are anxiety. in fact i think your problem is anxiety. it gets so fucking old bc yes obviously? ive had an anxiety diagnosis for four years and probably had it my entire life, my therapist and now psychiatrist are well aware that i have anxiety in fact i take medication for it, actually multiple medications, and the prescription amount has increased four fold since i started and in addition i think its actually pretty obvious that anxiety has fucking symptoms that can cause problems and i think actually if that was the only thing going on the therapy ive been getting for it would have actually done something. so no thanks i appreciate the suggestion but its not fucking anxiety? like yes my anxiety causes me problems and i am well fucking aware of them but like all the stuff i have going on that sounds like it could be adhd? the diagnosed ocd? not anxiety. the literal tic disorder? not. fucking. anxiety. and i am so fucking tired of going in and having to explain what these things mean to people who obviously dont even have the basic amount of knowledge to understand it. my doctor does not know how ocd works. not even on a base level. i went in and said that i had been recommended to start taking meds for ocd and she said. i dont think that sounds like ocd. do you ever have to do things like switch lights on and off? what you have sounds like anxiety. no. it makes me fucking angry. it makes me so fucking angry and im so fucking tired of just explaining over and over and over and over and not being understood.

[cathulhu-collective]

Major TW for ED content.

I have struggled with an eating disorder since about 12. It's been varying degrees of severity, and has fluxuated between ana and mia. My whole family are nazis about food, but my dad was the worst. He would ridicule me for my thighs touching or if I had a muffin top. He was relentless. Till the day he died that man never apologized for a thing. But the rest of my family was just as neurotic, even if not as cruel. My sister was overweight and I was basically a normal weight so she got it much worse than I did.

Anyhow, I started a diet at 12 to please my dad and it worked. I finally had his approval. Never in my entire life before then had I had it. At first the diet started out normal. I was eating fresher food, less of it, working out more, cutting out sugar. I slowly lost weight and all the adults in my life that had never had a nice word to say before were praising me and my discipline. My cousins, also with eating disorders, did the same. There werent many things we could relate on so I was proud of this.

Anyway, by the end of that year, I'd become addicted to losing weight. That summer I did nothing but sequester myself in my room, work out, weight myself, starve myself, and browse pro ana sites. I had a binder full of nutrition facts and to this day could give you the calorie count on just about anything. I taught myself to purge. It eventually became apparent to my mom that I was developing a problem, but, she was struggling with her own stresses, untreated mental illness, and my sister who was an addict at that time. Even so, not then nor for the entire time I lived with her, she did not take me to a therapist, or to a facility for treatment. She wanted me to, but I resisted, I fought, and she didnt have the strength to enforce those boundaries with me.

I wont tell the full story today, but flash forward to me turning 24 or so, I spent the next almost 3 years in and out of treatment facilities with my mental health in total shambles. The eating disorder was only the symptom. The underlying problem was extreme trauma, and I couldnt speak of it, so I couldnt heal. It was evident to the people treating me they were looking at a lot of trauma but their treatment modalities - and I have been in about 5 different treatments, some more than once - did not include much for trauma other than psychotherapy. And when insurance drops you from the program, you lose your therapist. I never had a long term one.

I was also very unaware the extent of my trauma. The parts I knew were bad but it was like a stray thread hanging off a shirt, that when you pull on it, totally unravels everything. I couldnt touch that string and try to work on the trauma without totally dissolving into a non functional, dissociative, purging, starving, self injurous mess of a person who couldnt take care of themselves at all let alone work or go to school.

Because of the things that have happened to me, I am on federal disability and cant work or go to school. I tried going back to school about 6 different times over the last decade. Each time I have been forced to drop out.

So, in the past two years, my ED has come back up again, and in the past 6 months has gotten a lot worse. Because of the amount of meds Im on I have a hard time sometimes eating, and alongside regular exercise I have lost a lot of weight. Im fairly underweight and my psychiatrist isnt happy about it. She even suggested that if I dont gain any weight before our next appointment maybe we should look at another treatment center. Which I dont want. My pride doesnt want to let me accept that I am similar to how I was when I was at my worst. Back then I wanted to be vanishingly thin and put every last effort into it. These days I dont try to lose weight but I am also terrified to gain any. And so even though I tell myself I dont care the way I once did, I think I still probably have an issue of some kind.

In the past girls like eugenie coony were my absolute idols, as sick as that sounds. Whenever I was in treatment with girls skinnier than me I went into a tailspin and crashed out. Treatment may have actually made me worse because of that. But now I look at girls like eugenia and think what everybody else does, that she is really hard to look at and clearly sick. I am not nearly as thin as her but I look similar to the way ariana grande does right now. Not healthy. Not most people's ideal body. But I am scared if I gain weight I just wont stop gaining it. So the amount of food I eat, it doesnt seem that little to me, but I wouldnt be like this if it wasnt.

So, not sure what to do. I didnt think Id find myself in a situation like this again. My next appointment is on dec 27th and Im legitimately concerned.

[psychabolition]

I want to go off my meds. I don’t know if I admitted to myself how much I hate them until I was watching a YouTube video. It was supposed to be about movies. But it cut in to talk about the importance of medication and how mentally ill people should be sure to always take their meds. I wanted to cry. I still want to cry. I’ve been taking my meds diligently over two and a half years now. I’m not better. I took my meds diligently today. It didn’t stop me from thinking about standing in the middle of the road and letting a car run me over while I was at the crosswalk. My mom talks about how she was depressed as a teen too, and how it turned out to just be a hormonal imbalance and how meds really helped her. She doesn’t understand when I tell her I don’t want them. She doesn’t understand when I have a mental breakdown at the psychiatrist’s office (the alternative is masking everything and straight up lying to her face). Or she gets mad at me. She says I expect my medication to just be “magic” and “fix everything” and that I don’t get that I have to work to get better. Which I UNDERSTAND THAT THEY WON’T FIX EVERYTHING BUT IT FEELS LIKE THEY DON’T FIX ANYTHING. I remember learning in my AP Stats class about the placebo effect, and I asked if there was a reverse version of it. Something not working because you believe it doesn’t work. My teacher said yes. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m the problem. Maybe I just have to believe harder. But I want to sneakily stop taking my meds. I know my parents will be mad. They paid good money for them. But I have money. I can pay them back. I’ve tried to tell them multiple times. They won’t listen.

Well first, no matter your age and no matter what psychs or your parents tell you, You always know best who and how you are and what you need . If you feel like your meds dont help you, then they dont .

The placebo (or nocebo) effect describes how taking literal sugar pills every morning that have no effect because theres no medication in it can also make you feel a little bit better or a little bit worse simply because you believe that they have an effect - its also included in every study design as a way to test if meds actually work . They give one group sugar pills and the other gets the actual meds and then they try to find out if the medication works better than literal sugar pills. So if the only reason your meds had any positive or negative effect would be placebo or nocebo then you would be better off taking sugar pills since those at least dont make you physically dependent on them 💀💀💀 so no, you dont have to believe in meds for them to work . If antidepressants work or not is also heavily debated by the way . I recommend you read these studies . Youre not at fault for your meds not working, its psychiatry's fault .

This is an anti psych harm reduction guide for coming off psych meds . It can be really dangerous to suddenly stop taking your meds , so please read this guide about how to come off your meds .

Also in this ask I mentioned a few examples on what we can do to stop relying on psychiatry as an institution to help us and also how to protect us as far as possible from being oppressed by this institution . :)

Hope youre doing better soon . Ik how hard life can be .

[niisancomplex]

30

My parents used to celebrate my birthday when I was a kid.

So when I had my 30th here, in my room, with nothing happened, I dunno why I felt so empty.

Not that I like to celebrate it, my family does. (stop fucking lying i know i like to give myself gifts and princess treatment on my birthday. i bought niee meals and stuff to gift myself last month)

Honestly wished I was dead before 30 because it was my deadline. Deadline to marry, to have children, to reach a certain point in my life. But in reality I achieved... What? Nothing. Oh, right I achieved some things this year.

going to the gym alone (!!) defeated social anxiety? no, jokes on me i skipped few gym days because i was too anxious also i didnt go this month because im losing motivation and im too fucking depressed to go to the gym thanks

going to the hospital alone (!!) defeated social anxiety again? yes, and no. i didn't know what to do where to go i looked like a lost child also it was the worst experience. 1 wisdom teeth extracted tho at least

getting actual sick (with throwing up and diarrhea as bonus point) fucking sucks, getting sick alone in my room in this shitass city though i could get meds easily but i swear i've never gotten sick because i rarely go out! and yet, right after i reached 30 i got?? idk fucking antibiotic poisoning? food poisoning? i dont know but i've never gotten that sick for years, well, not included covid. i felt so fucking miserable i wish my mother was there or idk i wished i just fucking die already because being sick is annoying like just off me alrdy lmaoo

self-harming (!!) LMAO i know this is alarming and i'm not supposed to laugh but i ccant believe i actually reached this point. yk i hate pain, i never had that courage. but this year is just TOO MUCH and i almost reached my lowest point.

talking to psychiatrist (!!) yh i did it this year. i couldn't handle it anymore i talked through text tho. i knew i would get those diagnoses but in the end i didnt purchase the meds. i didnt wanna take meds because it's fucking expensive. damn staying sane is expensive i guess i'll stay insane jk i'll get help. unles...?

going to orchestra AHH MENTALLY I M STILL THERE thanks my brother for going to the orchestra w me :') it was one piece orchestra and I TEARED UP DURING WE ARE!!! forever my favorite childhood series

That's all? Idk, maybe, yeah. OH also i'm still so fucking burnt out w my job but what can I do? I need money to pay rent and bills. So burnt out with job, and life. idk. should i talk to psychiatrist again? maybe i should start taking meds. and move out. fuck i hate this place, this city. everything is expensive, and i hate the peopel, the air, the weather, the fucking sun. i need to move out so bad but do i wanna go back to my parents house? i dunno. idk. i feel like im a failure, i didnt achieve things i wanted to do in 30. no family, no house, no cats. fuck em children i dont want those in this economy but IF i could IF i was stable enough mentally and economically maybe i want them, maybe. in another life? universe? idk.

so yeah 30 but im alive? barely? hopefully only for a while.