#ofc as always i have too much to explain or elaborate on so it goes with comments and “relevance” degree rather than “this or that”

[vayneoc]

Template by arcandoria

[hertwood]

Please elaborate on ttpd being a sargewood album 👀

hi thank u so much for caring abt the rot in my brain 💖

ok so. mayhaps i am talking out of my ass here, i havent rly fathomed the whole album yet, and there are songs i associate w/ a variety of ships/fic ideas. BUT more songs fic sargewood than any other ship so. allow me to explain.

this is all speculative to taylor swift’s life so its not #confirmed but allegedly this album is abt leaving long term relationship she felt trapped in (joe), and then rebounding in a short term fling (matty). if we look at these songs through the lens of joe=f1 and matty=indycar, therefore kyle, this is how i fathom these songs in a sargewood way.

OBVIOUSLY this does not work for many of the songs, but for the ones it does it is so compelling. also she broke up with matty anyway and he allegedly SUCKS so i’m only rly considering “early relationship” songs here.

Fresh out the slammer is probably the best example: leaving a relationship and immediately knowing where you’re going next. if logan doesn’t have a future in f1, indycar /is/ the place to go, and kyle is his connection. if he gets dropped, you KNOW kyle is one of the first people he’s calling 

Fresh out the slammer, I know who my first call will be to

NEXT SONG lets talk Florida!!! the original song I claimed as sargewood for obvious reasons!! ofc, its great bc Florida is there home state. But if we can go back to joe and matty for one second (i’m sorry)

In So Long, London, London not only represents the place, but also Joe and their relationship. I did not come up with this, but I saw people on tiktok saying that while joe=london, matty=florida. the entire song is abt being trapped monotony of her old life (london/joe) and escaping to the new exciting florida(matty).

this fits logan just as florida proper—he can always go home and relax to take a break from the stress of f1. BUT if u wanna see it in a sargewood way--they can both escape their stressful racing lives, come back to florida, to EACHOTHER. this song makes me insane abt them fr. I also like to hear “fuck me up, florida” as “fuck me in florida” AND YOU CAN TOO

I need to forget, so take me to Florida I've got some regrets, I'll bury them in Florida What a crash, what a rush, fuck me in Florida

LAST SONG i’m using for this thesis, but i’m not ruling out fathoming more as sargewood through the joe=f1 matty=indy/kyle lens. it’s a long ass album, i’m employed, i can only do so much

BUT LETS TALK FORTNIGHT

this fathoming was key to me liking this song. HOWEVER while the last two can be fathomed as sargewood in general, fortnight fits a specific fic idea i have where i need to explain some lore first.

logirlie historians will know how after the 2020 f3 season, logan was in a sort of a limbo career wise before he got the call from williams and we know where it goes from there. in this time he was testing for indy, thinking his european racing career was basically over.

so the fic idea. kyle & logan have always had a bit of a ~non platonic connection~ but neither has acted on it due to the distance etc etc. but in this short period of time (a fortnight, perhaps 👀), when its looking like logan might be heading to indycar, the dam breaks and they have a short fling that is more serious than either will admit after, when it ends when logan goes back to f3.

The ACTUAL fic would be years later, where logan leaves f1 and goes to indycar in 2025(?). years have passed, and they've stayed friends this whole time so it /should/ be fine, but now that the distance is no longer an issue all those old feelings come bubbling right up to the surface. they could, of course, just communicate and get together easy peasy but that wouldn't be a fun fic would it? of COURSE it'd be messy.

I haven't written anything, it's more of just a nebulous concept rn and idk if it'll ever go anywhere but it is ALL i think abt when listening to fortnight. The florida and car reference in the bridge is just the cherry on top

And for a fortnight there, we were forever (Back in 2020/2021, what we had was real)

Run into you sometimes, ask about the weather (We talk sometimes (2021-2024) like it's normal and nothing happened)

Now you're in my backyard, turned into good neighbors (Now (2025) we see each other all the time and pretend it's all platonic)

I love you, it's ruining my life (My career would be so less complicated if you weren't in it)

Move to Florida, buy the car you want But it won't start up 'til you touch, touch, touch me

[sunnyie-eve]

12 | On Tape

Series: Heinous

Paring: Billy Loomis x OFC ! Stu Macher x OFC ! Mickey Altieri x OFC

Word Count: 1.7k

Warnings: attacked, death?

| MASTERLIST |

"Allison!" He calls out but she ignores him. "Allie!" She hears him follow her out. "Are you mad at me for saying I think it might be Randy?" He asks causing her to hit him upside the head.

"Yes! That's my best friend and I know Randy. He could never do something like this. Don't say I did the same about Billy and Stu because I never said they weren't capable of it." She watches his face. "Deep down I had a feeling it was them but I ignored it. But Randy, Randy Meeks, couldn't." She snaps at him annoyed.

"I'm sorry but I was just saying who could be suspects."

"We all are suspects, Mickey. It could be you and you can be playing me just like Billy and Stu. Then I'll feel stupid in the end all over for having feelings for a psychotic killer!" I huff.

"Al-,"

She cut him off, "I just want space from you right now." She walks off from him.

When Allison gets to where Dewey and Randy were, she pulls up a seat to their table, "What are you two talking about?" She asks them.

"Someone is trying to make a sequel and I'm getting to the rules." Randy tells her. "Number one: the body count is always bigger. Number two: the death scenes are always much more elaborate; more blood, more gore. Carnage Candy. Your core audience just expects it. And number three: if you want your sequel to become a franchise, never ever-," Dewey cuts Randy off.

"How do we find the killer, Randy? That's what I wanna know." He asks.

"Oh. Let's look at the suspects. There's Derek. The obvious boyfriend. Hello, Billy Loomis. The guy's premed, and his pity-me surface wound conveniently missed every major vein and artery." Randy goes off.

"So you think it's Derek?" Dewey asks.

"I don't. He's very different compared to Billy." Allison speaks up to tell them.

"Not so fast. Let's assume the killer, or 'ers, has a half a brain. He's not a Nick at Nite rerun type of guy. He wants to break some new ground. Right? So forget the boyfriend. It's tired. Who else do we got? Mickey, the freaky Tarantino film student. But if he's a suspect, so am I. So let's move on." Randy tells him.

"Let's not move on. Maybe you are a suspect." Dewey tells him.

"Well, if I'm a suspect, you're a suspect." Randy says so Dewey says let's move on.

"Hallie, and, or, Lia." Randy says making me huff.

"The roommates?" Dewey asks and they go on a rant about it's okay to change at times. Then they mention Gale being the killer too.

"Speaking of how I know all about obsession... I was right about Billy, who was obsessed with you." Randy looks at Allison.

"And?" She gives him a look.

"Mickey is too. He's almost more obsessed than Billy and Stu were combined." He says making Dewey look at her.

"He-he's n-not obsessed with me like that." She stutters.

"Yes, he is. Always up on you. Filming you..." Randy lists things.

"It's not like that, Randy."

"Then what? Don't tell me you two are a secret thing. Him? Him out of so many other people?" He eyes her.

"It's complicated... Why don't we just go talk to Gale?" She changes the topic and they get up to go talk to her.

"All right. Let's just assume the killer is repeating Woodsboro." Gale gets a call but ends it.

"That's doesn't explain the girls getting attacked. They weren't killed in Woodsboro." Dewey tells them.

"Wasn't for a lack is trying. The killer's trying to finish what was started." Randy tells them.

"Sid's under protection, right? Why isn't Allison?" Gale asks.

"Yeah. Because the killer says they wanted Sid dead not Allison." Dewey tells her and her phone rings again so she yells at the guy.

"You're forgetting something. In Woodsboro, there were more victims before the homestretch." Gale says so Allison cut in.

"Our principal, Tatum... your camera man." She calls them out and Gale's new camera says he doesn't want to hear it so he leaves them.

"If the killer is following a pattern, then maybe we can figure out who's next." Gale says and Allison glances at Randy. She had a feeling he could be the Tatum this time around. She was Sidney's and her best friend and now that was Randy.

"I wouldn't follow a killer's pattern. We were all involved in Woodsboro. Could be any of us." Dewey says making him and Gale argue.

This time it was Allison's phone that starts ringing and she just looks at it before answering it, "Hello?" She asks as the three stare at her.

"I'm not interrupting anything, am I? You four look deep in thought." The killer speaks.

"It's the killer. He can see us." She tells the group.

"Just keep him on the phone." Dewey tells her before leaving with Gale.

"Why are you calling me and not Sidney?" Allison asks as Randy stays with her.

"You'll never find me." They tell her as Randy looks around.

"You gonna answer me?" She shouts, making them laugh.

"Give me the phone." Randy takes it from her. "Is that the best you can do? Because Billy and Stu were much more original." Randy tells the Killer as Allison looks around staying close to him. "Fuck you!" Randy shouts into the phone.

He ends up running to a guy and a group of people bump into Allison blocking her from getting to Randy. She gets stuck with them before she pushes through and realizes she lost Randy. She starts to panic while looking around. "RANDY!"

"RANDY!" She screams when she sees the news van windows crack and sees it rocking. "RANDY!" She runs over trying to open the door but can't. She could hear him struggling and groaning as he got stabbed. "STOP!" She screams rushing to the drivers door opening it making the killer stop to go at her.

She gets stabbed in the shoulder where she was stabbed last time she was in the news van. But this time it was worst as they twisted it before shoving her to the ground. Allison's head bounces off the sidewalk causing her to black out.

The next thing she knew she was waking up in the station with my shoulder bandaged up, "What do you remember?" Dewey asks her as he sits next to her.

"I tried to save Randy but failed. I remember opening the driver's side door getting the killers attention. They came at me stabbed me in the shoulder and knocked me to the concrete. It should've been me and not him."

"Randy isn't dead yet. He might make it due to you intervening. He was stabbed quite a lot but they said you stopped the killer from cutting his throat. But again, he might or might not. It's all up to him." Dewey lets her know.

"I wish Billy and Stu just killed all of us. None of this would be happening." She punches the table.

"Clam down." He says as they hear Cotton coming in with Sidney, Hallie, and her guards.

Sidney sees Allison crying and it hits her not seeing Randy with them. As Dewey talks to Sidney, Allison leaves going to the bathroom and stares at herself in the mirror. Before leaving the bathroom she cleans up her hand since she punched the mirror breaking it some.

Allison is told no one is allowed after dark and that she had to stay in her room. As she was leaving she hears Joel tell Gale that he's done and the crowd footage he's done is stuck in the van because it's a crime scene. If the killer really was watching and relishing every minute, then he's be there on a tape.

As Allison makes her way to the van she bumps into Mickey, "Where are you going speedy? Someone chasing you? Wait, what happened to your shoulder?" He realizes she was hurt.

"The killer. They killed Randy so there went him as a suspect for you." She walks past him not in the mood still with him.

"Wait, what? You need to take a break, Allison." He grabs her arm pulling her back.

"I can't take a break! Randy is dead! He was killed, Mickey!" She cries to him, "You don't know how much he meant to me." She tugs her arm away walking again.

"Where are you going?" He follows her.

"To the news van. I need to get something out of there."

"You are gonna take evidence from crime scene?" He quicken his pace.

"Yes. There's a tape in there that can show us who the killer is. I'm not missing that chance."

"Are you crazy?" He shouts at her.

"Yes I am. I'm pissed and I wanna catch this fucker before anyone else dies." She stops at the yellow tape.

"Are you really going past that?" He looks down at her.

"Watch me." She lifts the tape and rushes over to the van looking for the bag and takes it quickly.

"I can't believe you right now." He follows her away.

"I don't care. Don't you understand I have to watch these... I don't want wanna lose Dewey next or Sidney, Hallie, fuck even Gale, Derek... You..." She gives him a look.

"You plan on sneaking into film to watch a tape? There's a curfew tonight. You can't." He tells her and she rolls her eyes at him.

"When have you ever been one for rules? Never so you can either meet me tonight or not." She leaves him going to the dorms.

Back in Sidney's room she was shocked that Allison wasn't leaving with her, but Allison told her she had to check something out later at night. Also Allison told her she needed to be safe compared to her because they want her dead more.

At night when Allison sneaks her way to the film building she sees Mickey waiting outside for her, "Glad that you decide to join me." She tells him.

"Well I have a key, you don't." He shows it to her by dangling it in her face.

"I would've found a way in, trust me." She tells him as they go inside the building.

[rancidtae]

NAERI STATION: INTERLUDE | (TEASER)

Genre: angst, fluff, smut. coming of age au. mafia au. Warnings: Graphic violence, Strong language, Mature content. Pairing: bts & Original Female Character (Jung Jiah) - Jeon Jungkook/Original Female Character - Kim Namjoon/Original Female Character summary: the one where the kids play with fire, and Yoongi is angry angry.

a/n: here it is! this is a prequel to arcadia's lullaby, my exo focused fic that is still in the works. I remember someone telling me they enjoyed Jiah's and Yoongi's interactions in there and since I already had a lot of backstory in my mind and I miss the 7s, I decided to give them a much-deserved story of their own.

This story will be set before the events in AL and it'll cover my OFC's adventures, canonic events, pains of teenage adulthood, and relationships between 2014-2018, with the tannies as main characters of course. hope you'll enjoy and as always, feedback is welcomed :)

coming soon (very soon)

>> March 2014. Three months after Hwacheon's fire.

“So, whose idea was it?” Yoongi demanded. 

Their heads whipped in his direction, features momentarily frozen. They’d been too invested in talking their ears off and blasting Whatever by Oasis on Jimin’s phone to hear him as he made his way down the creaky stairs.

“We were all playing, hyung, it’s not like it’s only one person–”

Jungkook was making a fair point, but Taehyung and Jimin sneakily tilted their heads at the only girl in the room, sitting with one chopstick in each fist resting on the table, ready to dig in.

“So it was you, then. May I ask what the fuck you were thinking?”

Ok, maybe he was overdoing it with the f-word and the whole bad cop stalking inside the questioning room. She didn’t flinch or even blink at his approaching figure, but the boys’ eyes widened. They shared concerned side glances, just making sure the worried is shared: shit, he’s angry angry.

“It’s just a game my friends used to play,” she answered.

Yoongi realized then that he hadn’t heard her talk much in the past weeks. She seemed content sitting and hanging around in silence most of the time, letting the trio take the lead, paying attention to Jin’s questions, and offering short answers.

And what happened the first time she’d decided to take some initiative? He was left with a burnt patch of grass in his backyard, dangerously close to the boat and the shed. It was bitch to put out even between the five of them, because only dirt kills diesel fire.

And to top it all off he was just getting home after commuting back from Seoul.

So they dealt with that. Then he went up for a much-needed shower, only to come back down and find them warming up dinner, plating it and all, stinking like smoke and dirt.

“And what game was that, forest fire?”

The four answered in unison. “Hot potato.” 

Taehyung went on to explain how it goes. You tie a knot in the middle of a knee sock, soak it in diesel, set it on fire and throw it around. First one to drop it's the loser. Jimin kicked him under the table before he further elaborated on the rules of such a riveting recreational activity.

But Yoongi got stuck on a detail. “So you have friends, and you remember Hot Potato. I guess your short-term amnesia just– poofed away”

That one landed, and it landed well. She turned away from him before he was done talking —a gesture so rude he would’ve first stuck his hand down the toilet before attempting it at his parent’s house– and went on to grab her chopsticks again.

Jimin was fascinated, Taehyung? Horrified. Jungkook was just a ball of mortification staring at her. 

Not a second went by, she didn’t even get to put them properly between her fingers before Yoongi hooked a finger on the bowl and pulled it away from her reach. The steaming, spicy broth sloshed around, nearly touching his skin.

“I guess you can now tell us what’s your story, then.”

She could. Jungkook wouldn’t do it but he could attest to this. He’d caught a faraway look in her eyes sometimes, looking at them during dinner, playing Mario 64 when they got to Whomp's fortress and stood close to the piranha plant, setting off a soft lullaby, or sometimes looking out of the window at night. People don’t visibly remember things, and miss and regret without having a story to tell.

“I can’t,” she said, looking sideways at the bowl, specifically at the one piece of bok choy she meant to pick first. Revenge was brewing under the calm in her eyes. “It’s classified information, and you don’t have the clearance”

“That so?” 

“It is so.” she met his eye, hands folded on her lap, mockingly polite.

Yoongi squinted at the girl, the same one that Jin, god bless him, had worried would face some sort of neurological damage after the shit she went through. They’d been running all kinds of tests on her at the hospital, for her head, her ears and her heart, but as it is, Yoongi just needed to talk to her and leave no room for further bullshit to successfully diagnose her as a little shit.

“Well, no worries. I’m overthrowing the classification system. You’re free to tell us all about it.” he assured, tone light, walking around the kitchen table and getting himself a glass of water. 

The boys tried to do damage control behind his back, He could see them all in the reflection of the dirty window by the sink. Jungkook vehemently shook his head at her, Taehyung made an x with both arms, Jimin tried to hold back his laughter.

“Under what jurisdiction?”

Tearing his eyes away from the sun disappearing down the lake, Yoongi made his way over and flattened both hands on the surface of the table. “Under it’s my house you’re living in and my food you’re eating jurisdiction, how about that?”

“Hyung–” Jimin tried to say, but she beat him to it.

“I’m sorry we almost burnt the backyard,” she stated, very businesslike, wearing Taehyun’s old, frayed snoopy sweatshirt that crickets visibly feasted upon.

“And the house.” 

“And the house,” she repeated. Jungkook nodded to himself, satisfied. His eyes had been bouncing between the girl and his usually laid-back hyung. Worried that things would escalate. “Can I have my bowl?” 

“No. Were you raised by wolves, huh? You’re supposed to wait for the eldest to start eating.”

“Hyung, aren’t you being too harsh?” Taehyung winced, also trying to play Pyromaniac’s Advocate. “Hyung said she might have brain damage.”

She did not take well to that, but she kept her mouth shut. Yoongi held back a chuckle.

“I’ll deal with you three later,” 

Yoongi knew letting a girl stay would mess up the dynamic.

He’d expected it to be the result of either hormones, Jungkook being socially stunted when it comes to members of the female population, jealousy, or bathroom arrangements. He failed to consider that they'd find a nameless girl with a smart mouth and act like she’s a pup they really want to keep; can we, hyung? We’ll take her on walks, and let her suck diesel out of the boat’s tank.

He turned back to her, sighing. This wouldn’t do. 

“Listen, I don’t give a shit who you are or what happened with you, but you’re going to have to figure out what you want to do.” 

How old was she, again? Not much older than Jungkook probably, maybe even younger? 

“What do I want to do?” 

“Uh-huh. I’m not gonna have you slugging around, coming up with shitty games, and hot potatoing my property. Think of something, and we’ll figure it out.” he paused, noticing the glint in her eye. “Just don’t get too greedy, this is a working-class household. We’ll find something for you, it’ll do you well.”

High School Yoongi would’ve clutched his hammer and sickle if he could hear him talk about how work dignifies. But that was before he moved out of his parent's house, and somehow ended up living with a bunch of kids.

The girl blinked up at him, and it might’ve been the first time he’d seen her smile.

“I’d like to eat my bowl of malatang. Please.”

[danhoemei]

You know what? I feel like elaborating.

I really like the amount of details about cultivation in liu yao.

In many novels I read so far it's left mostly unexplained or skipped, e.g. the main characters are already powerful or godly and the text doesn't dwell how they got there, or the training doesn't go into too much detail above saying what someone is doing, or that a person meditated/entered seclusion for some time and they achieved a better understanding or "leveled up". Ofc you can fill the gaps yourself with the general knowledge of wuxia or xianxia, but it can end up disconnecting me a little from the characters. As in, I'm not invited into their mind to join the path to understanding, or I don't fully grasp their abilities and power, which can lead to feeling like I'm looking at mary sues who always have another trick up their sleeves to be revealed as a gotcha to both in-novel characters and me as a reader.

Here in liu yao you're so carefully taken through the steps. You observe the kids' confusion and questioning, their clumsy swordplay, the moment they connect to the energy which lets them form their qi understanding as well as how distinctly they feel and look at it. You watch how their meridians are stretched and refined, in what way they grasp another move or skill, what happens in their heads and to their bodies e.g. during meditation or when they're under an external influence.

Even when the text explores the divine realm level it's not just "these are hella powerful people, don't think about it too much" but instead tries to explain what it is like; what a cultivator goes through, what they just grasped when advancing, what they need to understand to go further or avoid going mad, what the risks and internal fights are.

Of course it's to some extend abstract, but that's a given when we're talking about something that can't really be translated into words and should be experienced in order to actually Get It. But the novel still explores it and lets you feel like you vaguely know where it comes from.

I love it so much.

[arundolyn]

Mind sharing your orientation hcs for the undernight/guiltygear cast?

thats a bit of a tall order so here's the ones i personally have particular thoughts on?

hyde - bi

linne - too old to care about labels (bi, some flavor of trans/nb for fun. can't tell me she's basically immortal and is not tired of cishettitude. and also her reincarnation thingy is potentially very conceptually interesting in that it specifically puts her in the bodies Of Girls. brings up some interesting ideas regarding transness even if i personally like to think her soul just goes to whatever it vibes with that's closest at the moment her current body dies and she has no say in the matter. fuck canon that one's more fun. from that standpoint maybe some kind of genderfluid then.)

wald - GAY CAUSE YOU CAN'T TELL ME THE SHIT WITH KUON WASNT LGBT AS HELL. yeah uh huh you respected him as a warrior sooooo much that you defected and pissed adelheid off so bad she said licht kreis is girls only now. no they broke up and she was so big baby mad about wald being Gay, Apparently she's not letting a man within 10 feet of her again i guess

amnesia is like lgbt gang. chaos and gordeau are obvious. too easy. enk gay trans man. hilda trans lesbian who will flirt with men just for fun or evil purposes. girlboss moment.

orie lesbian executor squad quadrouple so true. mika's bi. kaguya is so lesbian definitely. wagner nb lesbian bc why not lets run with the shoddy localization its more fun that way.

phonon + nanase trans lesbian besties to gfs speedrun

yuzuuuuu so bisexual. i love you failgirl

vati agender for sure

merkava canon trans

carmine's just confused and would punch someone he had a crush on (hyde) bc hes pissed theyre making him act weird.

lmao thats mostly everyone whoooops

gg: (i have not played strive's story and dont anticipate to in a while)

sol - lgbt all at once no i will not explain

axl. dont even get me started trans butch nb lesbian you either get it or you dont. i can opine for days

relatedly i-no lesbian. she said im not about to date a man and axl said wait what the fuck did you just trans my gender. her power...

bi ky bi ky no i will not explain

milla elphelt ram all lesbians. id say millia is ace too

baiken and anji trans wlw mlm solidarity ofc

testament

goldlewis is gay as hell for sure and we love him for it

johnny is an egg detector that counts for something

bridget trans gener

ANSWER IS SO GAY. chipp is bi. they are in love and they kiss in the president's office

zato hates women he's gay by proxy but who's keeping score over there. and his strive outfit is literally gay as fuck. why is he as a man always standing with is ass toward the fucking screen. stupid.

slayer bi but hes married. if sharon let him..... im not elaborating.

gio big lesbian for sure

venom. well. yknow.

jack-o trans and bi queen shit love her for that so bad

nagoriyuki has transcended mortal perception (gay and trans but by far the coolest about it)

thats everyone i can think of off the top of my head i think

[everyonesfavoritelesbowrites]

RATLD Headcanons pt. 4

Fears and insecurities

Raya and Namaari both have nightmares of the betrayal in Heart.

During those six years, Namaari can't remember a night where she didn't have a nightmare. Almost all of them of the betrayal.

Having to be careful, Raya learned to sleep very lightly. The smallest amount of noise will make her spring into action. So she didn't get into deep sleep often, but whenever she did she would get nightmares as well.

While Namaari's dreams were mostly focused on her betraying Raya and it going a bit too far. Raya's dream were of her Ba or Namaari going too far.

With more interactions with each other throughout the years came more dreams

Namaari would have dreams where in a fight one would kill the other. Raya would dream similarly, but a lot of them would focus around the Druun.

Raya has many dreams of the Druun getting her, (sometimes getting Namaari but she didn't understand why it got her all worked up).

Namaari would sometimes dream of Fang's famine 100% worse and watching everyone die while she lives in Luxury. (Although she also grew up with not enough food, leaving her a malnourished child)

After the event in Spine, Namaari consistently dreams that she kills Raya instead of Sisu intervening.

She also had dreams of killing Sisu and Sisu not coming back or she would come back and blame her\revenge.

Raya dreams of the fight in Fang's throne room where instead she didn't hesitate and kills Namaari.

Raya also has a hard time sleeping in an actual bed once everything is back to "normal". She's so use to sleeping in trees or caves or against TukTuk that it's accutally too soft.

Raya also wakes up constantly, worried she'll be Druun food or just hearing the smallest noise.

One day she just can't take it anymore and goes for a walk, where she runs into Namaari who looks like she's having a panic attack.

"What are you doing out here, princess Undercut- woah, are you okay?"

They end up telling the other about their dreams and how the beds are too soft for Raya and somehow they end up in the same bed having the best sleep they have ever had.

If they are together it just becomes an unspoken routine where they will sleep together to have a peaceful nights sleep.

They almost always end up in each other's arms but they don't talk about that

Chief Virana and Chief Benja thinking they are sleeping together, like sleeping sleeping together and are surprised when they find out they aren't even dating yet

They wake up when the other has a nightmare and comfort them.

"You're okay."

"Just breath."

"I'm still alive, see? You didn't have the guts to actually kill me."

"Look at me."

"Do you need to go for a walk?"

"We can talk to Sisu if you want."

Raya wonders why Namaari's room is so... empty so she tries to ask her in a way where she can just play it off as a joke if Namaari gets uncomfortable

But Namaari tells her

Namaari tries to not get sentimental to any objects because she's afraid she'll lose them and the events that happened after giving her Sisu necklace to Raya haunt her.

She keeps any sentimental items she gets stored safely away so she won't lose them. It's mostly drawings kids make her or things Raya leaves behind

She also feels guilty to have such an extravagant room, to live in such luxury, when her people have a major homelessness problem. This goes side by side with her food insecurities, although she was pretty malnourished as a child.

She also thinks she deserves to be lonely, not that she already does did feel lonely, but making her room bare helps give her that feeling that she doesn't deserve anything. She thinks this is fair considering her past.

Raya is understanding but also is loosing her mind over Namaari being so hard on herself.

Raya tries to sneak some things into Namaari's room. It first disappears quickly, Namaari tucking them away for safe keeping but after a while, she tries to just let them stay.

She worries constantly, ending up just staring at whatever Raya brought in this time. Perhaps if she engraves it into her memory, she won't worry if she loses it.

It takes a while, but Namaari eventually gets to the point where she won't feel sick not putting things away. She can just let it be with only a few thoughts of worry.

Raya becoming comfortable enough to sleep through the smallest of sounds, but she's never going to not wake up to sounds, it's just too engraved into her.

Namaari smiling when Raya doesn't wake up from a small bird outside the window.

A storm comes around one night in Heart when Namaari is visiting. Raya wakes up from a loud boom of thunder and finds Namaari literally shaking.

Namaari is scared of Thunderstorms, or more specifically loud noises send her into panic.

She has trained herself to not panic when there's a single or just a few loud noise/s, but if it's consistent she just can't handle it.

Raya, unable to sleep anyway, comforts Namaari and tries to distract her.

"We could spar."

"I can ask Sisu if her brother can make it stop."

"Tell me about the things you learned about Dragons as a kid."

"Remember when [moment]?"

"When I was 15, I [tells crazy story]."

"Let's go get [Serlot name], I bet she'd love to cuddle!"

"What do you think makes the noise of thunder?"

"Hey, I thought you weren't scared of anything, dep la. How can I make you flinch like that?"

"I wish I was the one making you shake like that." "What?" "Nothing! Tell me about your cat!"

"Under the blankets, Undercut."

"Shut up thunder!"

Namaari not seeing Raya eat any food when she comes to Fang and asking who made a dish when she's in Heart.

Sisu mentions something about poison and it just clicks.

Namaari hands Raya a dish in Fang, taking her own bite right in front of her first. "Just checking for poison."

After a few times of doing this, Raya ends up confessing to being posioned when she was 13. Namaari understands and keeps tasting food for her and even starts cooking for them right in front of her.*

"Don't forget to check for poison." "Of course, dep la."

"I didn't take you for a cook, let alone a good one." "It's better than your Jackfruit jerky, that's for sure."

Namaari admits to refusing to eat meals given to her unless she pays, otherwise she has to make it herself.*

Raya telling her that she paid for foods in Heart for Namaari, even if it's a slight lie. She's the princess, she kinda gets whatever she wants.*

Namaari paying Boun after they watch him cook for them

Raya gets separation anxiety, worrying that her Ba turned to stone again although it's not posible. She even worries for Namaari but she won't admit to that

Namaari reminds her that her Ba is fine and it helps

Her Ba also comforting her about it ofc

"If anyone will turn to stone, it'll probably be me not your Ba." this doesn't help but she won't tell Namaari she has dreamt of her being stone as well

Namaari accidentally hurting Raya during a Spar and she like breaks. She refuses to talk to her and avoids her because she feels horrible and it reminds her of Spine and Fang's Throne room.

Raya ends up cornering her and is afraid she did something wrong but Namaari admits that she's beating herself up for hurting her and Raya's heart swells and breaks at the same time.

"I've done worse to myself."

"It's literally nothing."

"It won't even scar."

Raya also hates to hurt Namaari.

"Fuck! I'm so sorry! Here, get me so it's fair!"

"I didn't mean to, I swear."

"If it does scar, it'll look sexy..." "What?" "I mean awesome, it'll look awesome. You're not sexy at all."

Raya notices Namaari acting strange around Sisu and asks about it. Namaari explains how whenever she looks at Sisu or even hears her or someone mentions her, the memory of shooting her replays in her head. She explains how she has nightmares about it and hates herself for it.

Raya comforts her by explaining how it wasn't her fault, or at least not entirely. Raya admits how she should have trusted Sisu.

"It's all in the past, we can't do anything about it, Namaari."

"I feel like I have to make it up to her... to everyone." "You literally saved the world but go all out I guess."

Raya stages an "intervention" for Namaari, bringing Sisu to talk to her so they both can make it better for Namaari.

"Don't you hate me?" "No! Why would I!?"

"I don't hold it against you, Namaari."

"What can I do to make it up to you?" "You don't have to do anything! You already saved the world!"

"Well... You could hang out with me more often."

Afterwords, the tension is much better but it takes a bit longer for Namaari to really open up with Sisu.

Namaari also ends up taking with Chief Benja about trying to take the gem. He's too understanding.

"I understand if you despise me, Chief Benja." "I don't."

"If I was in your position, I would have probably done the same to be honest..."

"If I had known your nation was in famine..."

"I don't blame you, it would have happened either way. It was just simply a matter of who and when."

Namaari only feeling intimidated by three people. Her mother, Chief Benja, and Sisu. Maybe Raya when they were fighting but not anymore.

Raya having issues letting people in. Mostly on instinct.

She gets defensive immediately.

"Why do you [add something here]?" "Wouldn't you like to know, weather boy Benturi." *Silence* "I'm sorry, [explains]."

"Dewdrop, what have you been up to?" "None of your business- fuck, i'm sorry, Ba. I was sparring with Namaari."

"Are you okay?" "Who cares?" "...... I do?" "Right, sorry, I'm good."

"Where did you get that scar?" "Minding my own fucking business- I mean, I tripped on a rock accutally." *Namaari still processing*

Raya eventually gives in but it takes a while and a lot of comfort from Namaari and sisu but whatever

*I elaborated on this before

[duchezss]

Buckle in folks cause I’m about to put more effort into this than an english assignment Presenting Why Jurassic World Camp Cretaceous is actually an amazing show

Now what defines the term amazing you might ask? I’m talking about a show that goes above and beyond in plot, characters, storytelling, and overall experience. Nowadays most adult shows don’t meet my standards much less a kids show so if that gives you an idea how good this show is stop right now and go watch it if you haven’t. Spoilers ahead ofc but as an aspiring film major I will be diving into just about everything I love and this is gonna get long. 

For your convince I will start with a simple bullet point list and then extend on them below, so if you only wanna see the big points and not my thoughts behind them this first parts for you. 

Black mc 

Diverse main cast (4/6 are poc) 

Actual plot lines and a lot of suspense 

Very dark for a kids show 

Complex characters that develop 

Fits in with the main Jurassic World series beautifully 

Body language and facial expressions are top tier 

Have genuine relationships (platonically and/or romantically) between all of the main 6

Phenomenal camera angles and use of special effects 

Great with details 

Amazing VA’s 

Continuity 

So the nose dives begins 

Black mc: To some people this might not matter that much but holy cow this is so important and such a big step. The people complaining are just weird middle aged white people, like do you know how big of an impact a black mc can have on young black children. It’s so important and it makes them feel happy because someone actually looks like them. Clear evidence of this was Into The Spider Verse (which is also an amazing movie oml). Come to think of it the only black mc I think I’ve ever seen in an animated kids show is probably Static Shock (also an amazing show ily). Somehow representation has got swept under the rug in this day and age which is ironic really, but this show does an amazing job with tackling that and I love it. 

Diverse main cast: I can’t think of any recent kids movies/tv shows, live action or animated, that have this much representation. In animation is also very easy for the show runners to make a character poc and then have a white VA, but jwcc is quite the opposite. Honestly the characters look so much like their VA’s that something tells me the animation team based the characters off them and not the other way around. Not only that but their names actually match with their ethnicities. So for reference or just anyone that doesn’t know, Ben and Brooklynn are white, Sammy is hispanic, Darius is black, Kenji is asian, and Yazmina is middle eastern. Sammy’s last name is Gutierrez, Yazmina’s is Fadoula, Kenji’s is Kon and Darius’s Bowman. Gutierrez is a common last name in Mexico and Latin America in general. Fadoula is found throughout upper Africa and the Middle East, Kon is rare name of Japense origin, and Bowman is a common last name among black folks in the US. So not only do they have a poc cast, voiced by poc people, but all the characters have realistic names. Not to mention they are very good on skin tone in the show, personally I think Yaz should’ve been just a bit darker but hey I’ll take it and run. 

Actual plot lines: This seem like stating the obvious but work with me here. Most kids and even adult shows have a very episodic format, there’s nothing wrong with that per say but having a plot and conflict build up and having little things matter is much more satisfying in my opinion. Most kids shows have some conflict but its very PG which is also fine that’s what it’s meant for. But every once in a while you’ll find a show that had plot wise beyond it’s years and those are the golden ones. Easily and rightfully the most famous is Avatar the Last Airbender or ATLA. This show to this day is still one my favorites and truly nothing will ever top it, but in my years of watching kids shows after it jwcc might just be second. We can argue all day about what’s the best and it’s truly a matter of opinion, but to me atla and jwcc just achieve such a level of complexity that 99% of kids and even adult shows don’t reach. 

Very dark: While this might not be exactly the best for kids it’s great for an olderish audience. Honestly it having a much darker element makes the show enjoyable for all ages while still keeping it chill enough so that children may watch. But come to think of it it’s hard not to make a show about dinosaurs dark, the show runners do a wonderful job at keeping it intense and exciting, but still kid friendly, and to me thats incredibly impressive. Not to mention since the show isn’t afraid to go dark they can do more (such as ben’s “death”, the hunters etc) which makes it go from good to great. Reminds me a lot of atla and I know I keep mentioning atla but know that is the biggest compliment ever. atla is easily the best animated/kids show of all time so the fact that a bring it up so much is huge. There have been shows in the past that have tried to replicate what atla (such as voltron..) and it just hasn’t worked. I think this show nails the boundary between too dark and not dark enough. 

Complex characters: Oh yes. If there’s one thing I love more than an ensemble cast it’s a cast that grows and develops as the series progresses. Sure the main 6 might start off as typical character tropes (Darius the super fan, Yaz the loner, Sammy the extrovert, Ben the underdog, Kenji the arrogant, and Brooklynn the influencer.) but they become so much more than that. I’d say at least half of them are completely different people between the 1st episode and the latest one. An easy example being Ben and Kenji. Ben started off as a naive, timid, and terrified person and has become confident, independent, and brave. Kenji started off as arrogant, selfish, and apathetic person and became compassionate, driven, and concerned. All of them have had some sort of change even if it’s not super dramatic and that’s important. It makes the storytelling better because they grow as they go. 

Fits in with JP/JW beautifully: In terms of shows connecting to movies this has gotta be some clone wars level s-tier stuff. Personally I have never watched clone wars but my sister has and she always raves about how well this show connects to the movies, and from what I’ve seen I completely agree. A youtube channel by the name of Silverscreen Edits actually put together the scenes from every time they overlap, mainly in S1 but also the cold open from Fallen Kingdom. I’d advise you to watch it because it’s just incredible. The show runners nail ever detail of these scenes and it truly feels like you’re watching the same scene from a different perspective. The set up is beautiful and I cannot rave enough about how amazing it is, my favorite easily being the dome scene because of all the small details. Not to mention this show actually connect JW and FK because it shows us that the cold open was 6 months later while the rest was 3 years later. Quite honestly I had no idea these two scenes were that far apart from each other, I thought the opening was from a years or two later not 6 months, so this show really connected the dots between these two movies and made them flow together much nicer. And I love all the countless references too old and new JP/JW movies. Overall this show is a great addition to the franchise. 

Body language and facial expressions: You might be thinking to yourself, hmph that is a really odd point to make, let me tell you it’s not and I’ll explain why. When analyzing films I usually tend to stick to live action because one of my favorite parts of films is how characters react to things, and we animation we really don’t get that. Most of the time even if shows get this complex they won’t use both the way jwcc. What impressed me so much was how amazing they are at this, the animation team seriously needs more praise. Jwcc is great at facial expressions which I will say other animated shows know how to do as well, but they are also so amazing at body language which is rare rare when it comes to animation. It’s because it’s so hard and often times it just doesn’t fit, but they do an amazing job with this and it makes the characters feel so life-like. When a character is sad or closed off their shoulders hunch, when they feel scared they stiffen up and cover their ears (which is another detail I love so much, I never realized till this show that hardly anyone ever covers their ears and it makes a lot of sense because these dinos are very loud) and when they feel hopeless their shoulder sag and their head drops, do you see what I mean? You can quite literally tell what these kids are feeling and thinking without them saying anything that is so impressive and it makes the show that much better. It makes it easy to analyze and if it wasn’t clear around I love to do so. 

Genuine relationships between all of main cast: I will not budge at this point at all, gonna say it right now if you disagree argue with the wall. I might have some bias on this but one, if not my favorite, part of any media is an ensemble cast. It’s something I actively seek out, and when I say ensemble cast I don’t mean a trio, I mean a full cast, my favorite being 6 but 4 or 5 will do. So when I found out this show had 6 main characters I was immediately interested. Not only because I love ensemble casts but I also wanted to see how they handled it. Ensemble cast are so rare because they are extremely hard to do and do well. I will even criticize atla on this. At one point they had 6 main characters and they never elaborated on more than a handful of the duos and just focused on the group as whole. But this is typical and easiest to do without giving up individual character development so I get that. But jesus christ jwcc does a phenomenal job with this, and I mean phenomenal. Out of the 15 different duos you can get between 6 characters then have elaborated on 11 of them, and it could easily be more this is just from memory. I might make a post elaborating on this specifically because it’s just amazing. This time they take to flesh out these relationships truly makes them feel like a unit and a family, instead of just a group of people all working towards the same goal. This is easily the most impressive and rewarding of any of the points on this list in my opinion. (coming from #1 squad lover right here)

Camera angles and special effects: This shows downfall for some was that it had strange animation, honestly it never bothered me and since I’ve watched dragon prince and rwby, it’s clear that bad animation never stops me from watching a show. But I think people just won’t give it a chance, because when you do you’ll see it’s actually very good. To me the coolest part of the animation is the dinos. They look incredible and so so similar to the cgi used in JW. That’s hard to do so more claps for the animation team I love y’all. They also have to work around the PG side of this show and do a great job at implying what happens but never actually showing what happens. This is all angles, not to mention they do a great job at showcasing the park and the scenery so that magic from the movies really translates to the show. Finally my favorite scene of the show from an avid slow mo lover has got to me when Ben falls of the monorail (idk why it is cause he’s literally my fav and I was so upset) The scene is just beautiful and the set up before hand makes it that much more heart breaking. The use of slow mo is amazing I literally cannot rave about this scene enough. It builds so much suspense and they used just the right amount, to much and the scene would move to slow, and to little the scene would be to fast. I need more great scenes like this in S4 (idk if I want the angst that comes with it too I’ll get back to you)

Details: To me details, in any show in general, is what makes it go from great to fantastic. An example of this is Harry Potter, something that hooked me into this franchise was how much small details mattered and it’s the same with jwcc. There are so many throw away lines that end up coming back and all us are hitting ourselves for missing it. Such as Ben saying early on he knows where the tracker beam is and when he “dies” and the crew can’t find it it shows how important he was. Those are details I love to see. Or the three dinos, one of which Sammy released, coming back all season. Of course toro as well and he always kept his burns. Not to mention the animation team always kept Ben’s scar in and I think that’s an important detail because he shaped who he is. Keep up the good work animation and writing team because I love what you’re doing with this (also I’m 90% sure the compass is another one of these details I’m calling it rn) 

Amazing VA’s: Honestly VA’s in general do not get enough credit and they really should. But these 6 are pretty amazing let me tell you. If I’m not mistaken Ryan Potter (Kenji’s VA) is the only one with a notable history of voice acting as he played the title character in Big Hero 6. (fun fact I had no idea and when I found this out I quite literally screamed). But the others have also done things as well, most of it being live action though, and voice acting is much different. Honestly I just need to make a post about the various roles they’ve had cause looking into this has been an experience. Anyway all of them do such an incredible job with this ahh. I think the times where you can really tell how different they all are is when they lash out. This happens quite often and honestly it’s expected, I mean they’re 6 teenagers in a stressful environment of course they’ll last out. But all of them have such a different way of doing it, Darius is hopeless, Kenji is nervous, Yaz is emotional, Ben is harsh, Brooklynn is stern, and Sammy is level headed. Usually everyone lashes out the same way so the fact that they’re so different in just one aspect shows you how good they are. Each character is so individual and all of them have different goals and morals which is not only realistic but it makes way for conflict which is always interesting. 

Continuity: Now this could arguable go with details but it’s slightly different so I’m making this a separate point. Continuity to put it simple it basically not have the show be episodic. Honestly that completely what I expected from this show because that how most kids shows are. In this show the plot not only progress each episode but so do the characters and their trauma. Most of the time the plot will progress but anything bad that has happened to the characters will not show and is hardly talked about (COUGH VOLTRON). To me it’s something that has to be addressed because if the characters don’t grow what was the point of it. And they’ve shown that characters grow based on the events that happen and I love that. Another thing about continuity is when show runners stick a pin in something and actually go back to it (COUGH RWBY). Jwcc is amazing at this and make a point to bring back just about everything that gets sidelined in the first place. It’s so impressive and make the show that much more enjoyable. There have been countless times where I get so caught up with the pins that shows just leave there and it makes me so mad, but jwcc is good at for the most part because of course some things will slip through. But they always get back to the important things. 

The conclusion: Overall this show is phenomenal and if my essay hasn’t convinced you I’m not sure what will. The show is amazing at storytelling and plot and the lovable main cast makes it that much better. It is so much better than a good chunk of kids shows and honestly part of me wishes it was rated PG-13 cause I really wanna see that. But they do an amazing job and keep it kid friendly enough while still discussing mature topics. It’s the next atla to me and something that many kids shows now days try to be and fail. It’s impressive and complex and truly one of the best shows I’ve ever watched. Film major mara out, and if you actually read all of this ily mwah. 

[evilblot]

Kinda want you to do the fandom ask game with MediEvil 🧍

Aight fineee, I'll do iiiiit, omg y'all are so needyyy (affectionate) <3c

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most)

Lord Kardok, how unexpected uh? Also I'm gonna commit a crime against common sense/morality and say Oliver. Yes I know it's my OC and not a canon character, but honestly I do be thinking about him. A LOT. Constantly... Help girl I'm getting ideas xhdhkdj (and it's all Taon's fault. Tènkius bestie, I owe you one 💜)

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped)

The Stained Glass Demon! Him babpy. Y'all have no idea of how 🅱️AD I wanna pet him waaaaa.. I mean if Demon not friend, then why huggable?? If Demon dangerous, then why him snoot boopable? MediEvil explain! Explain!!

Also shout out to Mud Knights, Scarecrows and Boiler Guards, they all hold special place in my heart and I wish we could be friends instead of banging our heads together at every given occasion :')

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave)

The Witch sisters, especially the Resurrection version. I love them so SO much (Warthilda my beloved), they're welcome to drop by my lair anytime of the year for a coffee and a game of bones <3c

Also, speaking of underrated characters, I am legally obligated to mention Kul Katura and the Serpent of Gallowmere. Can't wait to out my evil claws on them (and their draconic brethren ofc) nd offer them a proper lore able to tap into their forgotten not to say ignored potential at last! Oh the plans I got in store for them.... >:3c

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t ever shut up about it for a week)

The Rhinotaurs! I'd love to know more about their society, their history, their culture and so on! Alas canon give us but very vague bobs and bits, so I once again have to step in and carry the burden of come up with some fat juicy lore... As per usual I might add uwu💅✨

Same goes for the Demonettes honestly, they deserve much more than what they've been given :/

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave)

Oh that's easy, it's - 《 *the phone rings. I pick up* Yes? Ah... You sure I can't pick him? Everyone fucking hates him on main or straight up forget he exists so I think he fits doesn't he? ...Oh. Oh ok. Of course I understand. I won't let you down. *I put the phone away, then I rip a sink off the wall and send it flying out of the room* 》 To hell with this, I'm gonna say it! It's Kardok! He's my problematic fave, the Main Character Killer, the one everyone hates because he's been mean™ to the fandom favourite! It's my man alright, he deserves justice for this shitty treatment and that's exactly what I'm doing!! >:)

If y'all get the reference I'm gonna give you a cookie <3

Btw, canonically speaking the title belongs to Fortesque himself, but since he ain't my fave so I'm just gonna steal his crown once for the sake of the discussiona and that's on that.

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason)

I'm sorry but Zarok. Once again I have no sense of self preservation and it shows jfhf. I'd also say Sir Daniel too but honestly it's like shooting fish in a barrel sooo.. yeah.

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell)

Imps, I've had enough of these little shits stealing my stuff. They're cute (sort of) I'll give them that, but my patience ran dry and some crimes just cannot be forgiven.

Wow this took me definitely less to write than the previous one, probably because I physically restrained myself from whipping out a full academic essay on the subject matter fjdhh, but yeah here it is! Hope this is at least half as fun to read as it was to write it, tènkius so much for the asks and as always I'm up for further explanations and dissertations in case y'all would like me to elaborate more on something <3c

[justthehiddleswrites]

Destiny Has Other Plans | Loki x OFC | Chapter 7

Pairing: Loki x OFC

MASTERLIST IS HERE

Summary: When Loki goes to ask his father for permission to marry, he is shocked to discover his destiny has already been made for him.  He is already betrothed to Sjofn, the daughter of the King of Vanaheim.  An arranged marriage to bring the two kingdoms closer together and strengthen the bond.  Never mind that Sjofn and Loki can’t stand each other.  

After The Battle of New York, Loki is sent to live at Avengers Tower as punishment for his misdeeds.  But it doesn’t mean he has to like it.   A year later, he has adjusted to life on Midgard but has avoided any romantic or emotional entanglements, still bitter over his lost love.  Dr. Alexis Randall is skilled at helping others fix their relationships as a couple therapist, but can’t help her own love life.  A chance encounter with Loki in a dive bar has life altering consequences for both of them.  Now, Alexis and Loki must figure out a way to co-habit without killing each other in the process, plus navigating impending parenthood and other roadblocks along the way.

This Chapter: Loki will do whatever it takes to find out what is wrong with Alexis. 

Warnings: Arranged Marriage, Forced Marriage, Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy, Smut, Angst,  Semi-Public Sex, Mentions of law enforcement, Oral Sex, Cursing, Vaginal Sex

Taglists are Open, please let me know if you wish to be added.

-

Alexis groaned as the medics lifted her onto the gurney, but she didn’t wake.

“Take care with her!” Loki snapped at them, rushing to Alexis’s side, grabbing her limp hand. “She is pregnant.”

The medics shared a glare fully prepared to inform him they knew how to do their job when Tony caught their eye and waved them off. Best not to make Loki any more angry than he was. At least not until they sorted Alexis.

“Of course, sir.” The taller of the two nodded at Loki. “We are heading down Dr. Cho. I assume you are riding down with us?”

Loki nodded and followed them to the elevator. The eyes of every Avengers followed the three of them along with the gurney and willed the elevator doors to ding close. The moment the doors closed, Tony spun around to face the room.

“Okay, everyone has exactly three seconds to explain WHAT THE HELL is going on?”

The room exploded into conversation as people pointed fingers and yelled accusations and theories. Steve, Tony and Bruce cornered Thor to pump him for the “full story.” Nat sat quietly off to the side, worried about Alexis. A loud whistle cut through the din. Everyone turned to face Clint.

“They’re in a relationship.” He stated with no facial expression.

Tony blinked at him. “Well, yeah, a weird baby daddy, cohabitating thing. We all—”

“No, I mean they are in a romantic relationship. They are sleeping together. If you ask me, they’re in love with each other.” Clint huffed. He stepped forward to come toe to toe with Tony. “They know about you and Banner’s bet.”

Bruce blushed and flailed. “There’s no bet. I don’t know what you are talki—”

“When are you going to learn? I hear everything that goes on around here?!” Clint slammed his hand against the sofa. “I was in the vent when you made the bet. We decided to teach the two of you a lesson.”

Tony cocked an eyebrow. “Who’s ‘we’?”

“Me, Loki, and Alexis. They pretended like they were on the outs, breaking up to get even with you two meddling.” Clint crossed his arms.

“So is this fainting spell just part of an elaborate prank to get back at Tony and Bruce?” Steve piped up. “I should have done Loki would pull some sort of shit like that.”

“It’s no joke.” Thor finally joined the conversation. “I know my brother better than any of you. That was genuine fear in Loki’s eyes. Whatever is ailing Lady Alexis is no prank.”

Everyone stared at Thor in shock, confusion, and anxiety. Nat snapped out of her daze.

“I’m going down there.” She stomped off towards the elevator. Clint caught her elbow.

“Nat. Give them space. Give him space.”

Her mouth fell open. “But I can…” she protested.

“No, you can’t. There is nothing you can do down there but be in the way.” Clint continued.

“JARVIS!” Tony yelled into the air. “Send hourly updates on Dr. Randall to all the Avengers.”

“Yes, sir.” The clipped British accent responded.

“Thanks, Tony.” Nat gave the group a small smile.

Tony’s own brain was running fast, but he kept his worries to himself. He clapped his hands together.

“Alright with that sorted, they get on with the day. The world isn’t going to save itself.”

With hesitant motions, the rest of the team moved along. Clint disappeared to wherever he disappeared to. Bruce headed with Tony to the labs while Nat and Steve headed to the training facilities to work off some excess energy. Thor headed off to his quarters, too concerned over his brother and Alexis to get much else done.

-

Dr. Cho relegated Loki to a hard plastic chair off to the side as she examined Alexis. Loki paced instead. He could see everything that was happening through the clear glass panels separating the examination room. Things did not appear to be going well by the expression on Dr. Cho’s face. Three hours later, Dr. Cho came out to update Loki.

“There is nothing physically wrong I can find with her, Loki.” Cho sighed.

“And the baby?” Loki wrung his hands.

“Strong heartbeat, moving around. Do you want to know the sex? I did an ultrasound.”

Loki’s brows rose. He hadn’t thought about knowing the sex of the baby. His eyes darted to Alexis’s lying on the hospital bed. Hooked up to tubes and machines, eyes closed. It was a punch to his gut.

“We haven’t discussed it. I will wait until she wakes up to decide, if that is alright with you.”

Helen nodded. “Of course, Loki. I am still waiting on a few lab results to come back, and then I am sending them off to a few specialists. I would suggest going back to your apartment where you can be more comfortable. I will make sure JARVIS alerts you of any changes in her condition.”

“If it is all the same, I will just stay here.” Loki widened his stance as if Dr. Cho would attempt to forcibly remove him from the medbay. If it were any other circumstances, she would point out the 180 turn of events since the last time Loki was here with Alexis.

“I can only offer you a hard plastic chair.” She gestured at the standard issue chairs throughout the rooms. “And strong coffee.”

Loki gave her a sad smile. “I have been in worse situations. With far less pleasant company.”

Dr. Cho smiled back and then nodded before walking away to analyze all of Alexis’s results. Loki pulled a chair close enough to Alexis’s bed to hold her hand and sat down as his fingers weaved in with hers.

“Please wake up, darling.” Loki pleaded. The only answer he got was the steady beep of the machines monitoring all of Alexis’s vitals.

-

“Brother…” Thor rocked Loki by the shoulder. Loki’s long frame crunched up on two hard plastic chairs. His arm tucked under his head to act as a pillow. Nothing about his posture looked comfortable. After several hours of no changes in Alexis’s condition, Loki dozed off.

“Brother… wake up.” Thor shook him more forcefully this time. Which rewarded him with Loki snatching his wrist with his quick reflexes.

“Must you continue to wake me, Brother? Leave me in peace.” Loki groaned as he unfolded himself, joints cracking and popping. “Why are you even here?”

“It’s almost midnight, Loki. You never came back. I came to check on you.”

Loki glanced out to the window to confirm that it was indeed the middle of the night. He gave Thor a wry smile. “Well, as you can see,” Loki gestured up and down his body. “I am alive and well, so leave me be.” He waved Thor away.

Thor sighed and spun a chair backwards to sit near Loki. “While you may be alive, you are clearly not well, Loki.” He spied his brother’s hand intertwined with Alexis’s. “Barton told us.”

Loki’s shoulders slumped. “I can’t lose her, Brother. I love her.” His voice hoarse and cracking. “And our child…” Loki’s head dropped to the bed.

Thor reached over to comfort Loki, not knowing exactly what to say. “Lady Alexis is strong. How else could she have endured all these weeks living with you?”

The two gods chuckled at Thor’s joke. “Very true. I have not been on my best behavior.” Loki added.

“And now?” Thor raised an eyebrow.

“I have definitely not been on my best behavior.” Loki smirked.

“You were always one for mischief when it came to your lovers.”

Loki’s mood darkened, thinking back to Sigrun and his father. And the events leading him here. Alexis and his unborn child. He wondered where he would have ended up if he had agreed to the arranged marriage and Odin’s meddling. Loki imagined miserable in a completely different way than he was now.

“You were right, Brother.”

Thor’s brow furrowed. “About what?”

Loki gave another thin smile. “About love being worth the trouble.”

Thor chuckled and smiled. “I have not always been the best at telling you, but I have only wanted the best for you. For you to be happy.”

“I am. I was. I am?” Loki questioned. “I don’t even know anymore.”

Thor stood and offered his hand. “Go upstairs, Loki. Eat and sleep in your bed. I will stay with Lady Alexis for the rest of the night.”

Loki’s eyes glistened with tears. “Thank you, Thor.”

The two embraced and Loki wearily rose and left the medbay to sleep and eat before the next day. Once he left, Thor settled his oversized body into one of the undersized chairs. He stared at Alexis’s still body, her breathing shallow and even. The only sound was the constant beeping of the machines.

“I imagine you to be some kind of witch.” Thor spoke to Alexis. “Because it would take powerful magic to tame the beast that is Loki’s heart.”

-

Three Weeks Later

Alexis was still in a coma, and Loki was no closer to any answers why.

“What do you mean there is nothing physically wrong with her?!” He bellowed at Dr. Cho. “She is in a coma!” Loki jabbed a finger at Alexis’s room.

Tony arranged to move her to a more private area of the medbay and set up a second small bed in the corner since Loki refused to leave. Meals appeared from thin air. Although he suspected Nat was to blame. Even Steve came down to offer what little comfort he could. Loki now stalked the floor. Tony moved all non-essential personnel to another part of the Tower after getting several HR complaints.

“I don’t know what else to tell you. Her vital signs are stable, as are the baby’s. She is just asleep. By all accounts, she should be awake.” Dr. Cho explained.

Loki flipped a table, sending his dinner flying around the room. Helen took several steps back.

“UNACCEPTABLE!” Loki screamed.

Alexis’s machines rang an alarm, and the screens flashed. Helen rushed to the machines while Loki grabbed Alexis’s hand.

“I’m sorry, love. I shouldn’t have yelled.”

“Shouldn’t you be apologizing to me?” Cho piped up while she checked some printouts.

“Apologies.” He said with an eye roll. “What happened?”

“Her vitals spiked and then dropped. Triggering the alarms.” Helen glanced over at him with a grim expression. “They are stabilizing.”

Loki’s eyes narrowed. “What else?”

Dr. Cho sighed. “They are stabilizing at lower levels. Whatever is keeping her unconscious seems to be for lack of a better word… draining her.”

Loki stormed out the medbay without another word.

-

Thor was just getting ready to relax for a meal in his apartment when Loki burst through the door without bothering to knock.

“Do you mind, Loki?” Thor rose to face his brother. “I am about to eat.”

“I need to go to Asgard.”

Thor stared at Loki. “I don’t think that is a…” Thor then realized what happened. “What is going on with Lady Alexis?”

Loki collapsed onto the back of the couch. “In simple terms, she is dying. And no one can help her here. She needs our healers. I need to go to Asgard.”

“You realize Father is in Asgard.”

Loki gazed up at him, his eyes rimmed with red and sunken in surrounded by dark circles.

“I am well aware of the implications of my return. But if you were in my place, if your love was slowly dying from the inside out, wouldn’t you do everything in your power to save her?”

Thor sighed. “We can leave within the hour. I will inform the rest of the team of our departure while you make arrangements for Alexis to travel.”

Loki nodded and Thor headed for the door. Loki grabbed his arm. “Thank you, Thor.”

Thor covered Loki’s hand with this own and squeezed. “I am sure the healers will be able to help.”

“I hope so.” Loki replied glumly. “Because I am out of options.”

-

They were greeted by not only Heimdall but Frigga as well when they stepped back onto Asgard.

“Loki!” Frigga rushed to his side. Alexis’s body slumped against his chest while Loki cradled her in his arms. She noticed the roundness of Alexis’s belly. “I see what the fuss is about now. Let us get her to the healers. We can catch up later. Thor, the Allfather requested your audience.”

Thor nodded and took off towards the palace as Loki and Frigga whisked Alexis to the healers.

-

Loki paced outside the doors of the healing chambers while Frigga sat with him, reading a book.

“You will wear the floor out.” she commented with a smirk.

“Just another thing for Odin to blame me for. The replacement of the palace floors.” Loki sneered.

Frigga ignored Loki and pressed on with other things. “She’s pretty. How did you meet?”

Loki spun around to face her. “Do you care? Does it matter?”

Frigga set her book down on the chair as she stood to face Loki. “It matters when she is carrying my grandchild.” Frigga reached up to cup Loki’s cheek. “It matters when she has also is carrying my son’s heart.”

Loki gazed at his mother with wet eyes. “I—”

The doors opened and Loki’s mask fell back into place.

“You can come in now.” The attendant announced. Loki pushed past her.

Alexis laid out on the stone slab. Three attendants hovered over her. One operated the Soul Forge while another took notes. A third injected something into Alexis’s arm.

“What are you giving her!? She is—”

“We are well aware of her condition.” The head healer spoke. “I must admit it stumped us at first. But once we calibrated the Soul Forge for Vanir physiology, it was clear what was going on.”

“Which is exactly what?” Loki blinked as his brain processed the rest of what was said. “Wait, Vanir?!”

Frigga’s eyes darted between her son and the healer, ready to step in if necessary. The healer, oblivious to what was going on, continued explaining.

“In the second trimester, Vanir babies’ magical abilities manifest, feeding off the mother’s energy. The injection masks the magic until birth. She will need to continue taking it once a week until she delivers.”

Loki stumbled backwards. “Will she—”

“Recover? There should be no lasting effects to her or the baby. Except maybe a wicked headache and increased appetite.”

Loki allowed a few tears to fall onto his cheeks. Frigga grabbed his hand and squeezed.

“Thank you.”

Frigga cleared her throat. “Perhaps we could have the room for a few moments?”

The attendants nodded. “Of course, my Queen.” Everyone shuffled out of the room with a rustle of fabric. Loki made no move until the heavy doors closed behind him with a thud. Loki collapsed against Frigga.

“I take from your response, you were unaware of Alexis’s lineage.”

Loki gulped. “She never mentioned it.” He kneeled besides Alexis, the color returned to her cheeks. “You are going to be fine, my love. We have much to discuss when you wake.” Alexis groaned. Loki kissed her cheek. “It’s time to wake up.”

Frigga smiled at the sight of her son so fully devoted to someone. And the prospect of a grandchild. Her first grandchild. She would be lying if she said Loki was her first guess of the son to give her a grandchild first.

Alexis’s eyes fluttered open. “Loki… where am I?”

Loki’s tears wetted her skin as he sobbed. “Home. My home.” He smiled at her. “I thought I had lost you.”

She blinked a few times to adjust to the light. “Home? The Tower?” She noticed they were in a massive room with stone walls. “Where are we?”

Loki helped her sit up. “On—”

The doors slammed open and Odin strolled in, followed closely by Thor. “—Asgard and you will be leaving presently.”

Loki stepped in front of Alexis. “She will do no such thing. She is sick.”

“She does not belong here, Loki. And neither do you.” Odin responded cooly.

Loki nodded. “Still as inflexible as always, Father.”

“Loki, this is your Father?” Alexis peeked from around him.

Odin’s eyes caught Alexis, and he froze, the blood draining from his face for a moment before the mask of indifference fell back into place. But Loki and Frigga caught it.

Loki narrowed his eyes. “Father, what have you done?”

[harvestdew]

pls will u ever elaborate on kiki's backstory im dying to know what on earth is going on there

yeah i was like wow i’m gonna be so cool and mysterious and NOT tell anyone not even my friends what’s going on with kiki til i pump out my comics because i thought it’d be better that way? but school saps the energy from me so idk why i expected to get comics out in a timely manner when comics take a lot of time. i also feel bad because i’ve had multiple people go like “WHAT the fuck is going” so i’ll just tell you all as a little 500 followers treat so you guys don’t misunderstand and think she’s a murderer

also if you ever want to hear me talk about my oc’s more you can always come to my livestreams (i stream my stardew valley gameplay w/ friends or when i draw)!

disclaimer: this will be long. it’s complicated, if you’re more confused just send me another ask and i’ll elaborate, and i’ll split it into 3 sections! i’m so sorry

childhood - after kiki’s parents divorced, she chose to stay with her dad, her mom remarried to a rich CEO (more on this later), whatever. her dad dies in an accident, but instead of being passed over to her mom, kiki got sent to pelican town to live with her grandpa on her dad’s side when she was 13. i think at this time haley is too young for her to hang out with because i always thought she was younger than kiki BUT sebastian is her age and they’re actually put in the same class

kiki struggles with acclimating to pelican town because she’s a) grieving b) joining the class in the dead middle of the year so everyone thinks she’s a loser LOL. i guess sebastian felt really bad for her cuz he finds her crying outside once of class and gives her like his juice or something out of pity. they end up becoming friends though, and by extension, she becomes friends with sam and abigail. she hangs out with sebastian the most though, plus they’re kinda neighbors so robin was used to her stopping by constantly out of convenience

unfortunately kiki only spends 2 years in pelican town because her grandpa died, but before he does he gives her the envelope like in the intro of stardew valley and tells her not to open it. everything goes downhill for her at this point because it means she has to move back in with her mom. kiki knows that her mom has 0 attachment to stardew valley so the only way she thinks she can really keep in contact with everyone is writing them letters which sounds pretty infallible at first

anyway i may or may not have taken inspo from an e ve MV here because childhood friends parting makes me really sad

teenage years up to early 20s - around this time surprise her mom is (surprise) awful. by this i mean her mom literally married a chairman at joja corp., enrolled kiki in private school, and tried to siphon any connection she had to her dad, grandpa, and stardew valley by substituting it with her new life in zuzu city. not to mention kiki’s step-sister irene who i’m going to design lately hopefully (?) also loves making her miserable only because she hates kiki’s mom 

the only thing that makes city life bearable for her is frequent letters from her friends, most often (if it wasn’t obvious again) sebastian. daelin told me he probably sent her emo poetry and i think that’s literally SO funny but even then the letters don’t last that long because within a few months her mom decides the letters are getting in the way of her kid’s success and starts throwing them out before kiki gets them or sends her own. naturally she thinks sebastian just doesn’t give a fuck about her so she stops writing after a while. but then this makes HIM think she doesn’t give a fuck about him and he holds a grudge against her for it for years even though she has no idea

then kiki forgets about stardew valley since there seems to be nothing else tying her to it, goes to business school, and eventually gets as a job in PR at joja corp. if that’s not bad enough she gets engaged to a MAN she doesn’t even like. her fiance is someone who manipulated her into dating him which i’ll again elaborate on in a second, plus her mom is obsessed with him like ohhh big handsome man WHATEVER except he literally only wants to marry her because her step-dad is a chairman. but kiki’s absolute breaking point (which i’m still kinda hashing out and only have a vague idea of) is when she figures out her fiance orchestrated a PR disaster by logging into her computer and messing a bunch of stuff up (idk if i should do hacking or whatever) so she gets blamed, only to take blame/save the day for the thing he LITERALLY started so she could feel indebted to him enough to date him. at this point she feels so suffocated by her life in zuzu city that she contemplates running away, so while packing she finds grandpa’s letter and decides to run away to stardew valley

present - i know the missing person stuff didn’t make sense but i hope everything i explained kinda gives you more context? her mom put out a missing person notice and her peers/family from zuzu city are still looking for her. this is partly why she doesn’t have a phone when she moves in, she tries to pawn her engagement ring off to clint for extra gold, and refuses to have pictures of her taken by haley for the first few weeks of their friendship. ofc when kiki goes back, she is escorted by robin, talks to lewis, etc. whatever is in the official intro and it’s kinda standard but on her way to pierre’s for cleaning supplies she accidentally runs into sebastian and realizes he hates her guts and has no idea why because he literally won’t tell her. the idea of childhood friends to strangers is really fun to write imo and then the story persists from there! 

LASTLY - I’M SO SORRY for writing so much i just couldn’t condense it into less paragraphs if i wanted but i hope it was interesting!

[utterlyinevitable]

Ode and Ethan are so cute together, my heart could burst 💓

More questions coming your way

Who says I love you first? How long into the relationship? How does it happen?

How far into the relationship do they move in together?

How do they celebrate Ethans 40th?

Whats the most special gift they have given each other?

What do they love most about each other? Do they have any pet peeves?

Do they always work together? Does Ode surpass Ethan in the medical world?

Did E make up with Louise in this universe? Of so what does she think of Ode?

♥️

> ask me anything <

Yay! Okay here we go!!!!!

So my initial reaction is... neither of them actually ever says it. They feel it and they’re secure enough to just know. They have this little head jerk and eyebrow raise that basically is their way of saying “i love you” which they do all the time. Just a silent recognition without giving too much away to those around them. But eventually like 10ish months into it it’s said out loud as an off shoot. Wasn’t meant to come out but it did ever so naturally. 

How it comes out? ...................... this literally took me three days to figure out:

Ode says it first. On a phone call. She didn’t mean to say it, it just slipped out with her goodbye of “alright. love you. bye”. She didn’t even realize she said it until hours later when she was replaying the conversation, mentally checking off that she has all the things they agreed upon before she heads home.

After residency Ode and all her friends go separate ways so she needs to move into a smaller apartment. Ethan extended an offer to stay with him for a while until she finds a place (with the subtext of forever), even saying she could have the second bedroom since it’s been practically hers anyway. But Ode diplomatically declined; they’ve only been together for five months and she’s still so fearful that they’re going to fuck this up somehow. They’ve only just started having sex. So she gets herself her first solo place with one bedroom in the same neighborhood near the hospital. 

They move in together when her 16 month lease is up. By then there wasn’t a doubt in her mind anymore. She loved her little third floor walk up and the independence that came with it, but nothing could beat the views at Ethan’s place, and it’s always felt a little bit like home.

So Ethan’s 40th happens before they get together. And true to form he doesn’t want to do a damn thing. But “40 is practically mid life crisis territory and he’s due for a breakdown” (as Jackie put it). So Ode, Sienna and Kyra work together to plan the most elaborate single person party. Because Ethan is such a devout patron of the arts, BOH (after much southern belle pitching from o and k) agree to perform an abridged version of Ethan’s favorite opera at their small rehearsal theatre. Sienna makes a majority of the dinner, all Ethan’s proclaimed favorites for meal, cocktail and dessert. Ode is on getting him to actually turn up. He knows she’s planning something and wants no part of it but goes along because this is “payback for my birthday”. He’s absolutely confused as to why they’re driving out of Boston.

In the atrium is set up as a cocktail hour with a handful of Ethan’s close friends and his dad - the people who want to celebrate him. 40 minutes later the people clear out and it’s just Ode and Ethan (siennas waiting on standby to drive ode home) making their way into the performance area where there’s dinner and dessert under a klosh at a single solitary table. Ethan’s speechless As ode explains the scene they’ve walked into. He sits, she pours him a drink, says happy birthday as the music of the show starts to play and goes to leave.

“You’re not staying?”

“You said you wanted to be alone.”

“Alone and at home. Not alone watching ten people perform.”

She shoots him a look and Ethan stands to look for a second chair.

“Siennas waiting to drive me home.”

“Tell her to join. It’s the least I can do since she made much too much food for one human.”

The three of them have a lovely evening. And if Ethan wasn’t fully cognizant of the fact he loves her, he sure as hell is now. Who else would do this? For him???

The most special gift Ode’s gotten from Ethan is the keyboard. Figuring out her feelings and falling for Ethan was a great inspiration to get her to start writing again. Much to some of her roommates dissatisfaction when the girl forgot to plug headphones in at stupid o’clock.

His most prized gift actually wasn’t something she’s gotten him - over the years she’s given him make shift things, ties and cufflinks, books but nothing as special as what her dad gave him when they visited him for the first time as a couple. It was a small photo album of ode from her teen years and through college. He didn’t even recognize her in a few - sitting on a table in ripped skinny jeans with wild hair and a guitar on her lap. She’s looking at the camera out of the corner of her eyes - singing something with mouth wide open and corners turned in a smile. There’s a spark in her eyes he recognizes but the one he knows it miles duller. He likes this side of her. Wonders what happened. And wants to make her feel like that happy go lucky girl every day for the rest of forever.

Ethan loves her compassion and level-headedness when it matters, and ofc that she has so many skills and talents he keeps uncovering. Wants to spend the rest of his life finding out about. He also really loves the creases at the corner of her eyes. She won’t agree they’re crows feet - she’s much too young for that atm. But he loves them because they make her eyes all the more expressive.

Ode loves his intelligence but also his gentleness. Once you get past that coarse, jaded Ramsey front he’s such a soft bean. She likes how they can talk for hours or just sit in companionable silence. There’s no expectations that need to be fulfilled with him outside of work and it’s the healthiest relationship she’s been in.

They both hate how stubborn the other can be. He hates how she leaves teabags all over the kitchen when the garbage is right there. She hates how anal he is about cleanliness and clutter. But how he can’t seem to get all his socks in the hamper - there’s always some hiding around back.

No, they don’t always work together. Ode is on the DT for another year before getting a research opportunity to write about the most interesting cases they’ve come across, alongside Ethan. He declined the title credit, but helped with the research. She dedicated her first book to him.

The more recognition she started to get in the medical world press, the more people uncovered her musical past. It was a bit jarring to have to talk about that small part of her life when she gave a keynote on new technologies in diagnostics medicine for the digital age. So much so that she got a call from her publishing house and SESAC. Basically to push her to do a one-off gig and see if she’s interested in remastering and a couple synch and derivative deals. Her first response was ‘i’m really busy and it’s been over a decade’. But after aimlessly wandering around their apartment and eventually sitting down to play, fighting a war within her, Ethan pushes her to do it. 

She certainly surpasses Ethan in the medical world, but not for the reasons he’s known for. She ends up marrying her love of music with medicine and becomes a viral sensation. A new-age doctor for the on-demand generations. 

No, I don’t think he does make up with Louise. not really. Ethan’s cordial but doesn’t want anything else to do with her. He doesn’t became a brat when Alan brings her up, though. He respects his dad enough - with the help of Ode - to pretend to be a three-piece family. Ode actually told Ethan that it probably isn’t a good idea that he brings her to rehab - she suggested scheduling a therapy session at the rehab to try and work things through when everyone’s minds have had time to settle. Ethan told her he’d rather rip the band-aid off so they drive her together.

Louise is skeptical - she doesn’t like the idea of someone influencing her son. Yeah, the girl is pretty but who tf is she? Alan says Ethan’s been single and no chance of dating as he’s much too restless for that. Months after being released from rehab and sticking around the Providence-area, Louise tries to get back in contact. She has a job and she’s been clean ever sense. She and Alan talk every now and then but no chance of repairing the family. Louise is there for lunch when Ode and E drive up for the weekend. It’s a whole rush of emotions for E again, and Ode is oddly hopeful, wanting to make the best of the situation. Louise sees the way the ramsey men look at her and she has no choice but to get on board.

as always, thank you for these. I love them and you so so much ♥️

[janiedean]

now I'm curious what Heidegger did if you're open to elaborating :P

I am always open to rant on heidegger *rubs hands* THEREFORE I SHALL NOW GO ABOUT IT:

now, problem #1: heidegger is SADLY seen as like THE BIGGEST GENIUS GAMECHANGER OF THE 20TH CENTURY, THE BEST, HE CHANGED EVERYYYTHIIING blah blah blah, to which I say: BULLSHIT

and now we go on to the fact that THE FUCKER DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING KNOW WHAT HE WAS SAYING BUT WROTE EVERYTHING IN SUCH A WAY THAT IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE TO UNDERSTAND IT IF YOU DIDN’T BREAK YOUR HEAD OVER IT *and* on top of that his mantra was saying that you weren’t a true philosopher if people could understand what you were saying’, which means that since everyone things he’s a genius WHAT HAPPENED SINCE THEN WAS THAT EVERYONE STARTED WRITING STUFF PUTTING IT IN A WAY THAT THE AVERAGE PERSON WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND and I hate it because that’s how the category got the fame of ‘ah those people thinking about thin air and expressing themselves without making people understand’ WHICH IS NOT TRUE THAT’S NOT WHAT PHILOSOPHY IS ABOUT

when I say the fucker had no clue, I mean that literally he wrote this essay in the thirties then twenty years later he writes a letter to someone else about it and says ‘I RE-READ IT AND I THOUGHT I PUT A BIT TOO MUCH MEAT ON THE FIRE’ translation for I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK I WAS WRITING

which also adds up with the fact that the moment you actually understand something and dig in deeper in his bullshit you find out IT ACTUALLY MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE/DOESN’T HOLD UP AND I HATE IT

I shall now give you TWO examples of that before I move on to the stuff that also made him a literal piece of shit under all senses

now, the essay above was a complete fucking lsd trip about how you could understand the essence of the world THROUGH ART which was a complete mess but like at some point he goes around ranting about this van gogh painting with two farmer’s shoes. heidegger is all there like SO SINCE THESE SHOES BELONG TO THE FARMER/HIS LANDLADY WHO ALSO WAS A *FARMER* YOU CAN SEE THE DIRECT LINE TO THE EARTH and a whole load of other bullshit that hinged on THE SHOES BELONGING TO A FARMER/A POOR PERSON right, so yours truly goes like ‘hey you know what I’m just gonna go read up on that painting so I can bullshit the exam if needed’, I go look that shit up and THE FIRST THING WIKIPEDIA SAID WAS THAT THE SHOES BELONGED TO VAN GOGH AND ANY CRAP ART HISTORIAN AT THEIR BEGINNING OF CAREER WILL KNOW THAT so why??? why??? that makes your entire dumb point FALL DOWN, WHY?????

other essay: heidegger decides to teach us all that THROUGH POETRY YOU CAN SEE WHAT LANGUAGE IS MADE OF, which you say okay fine, he’s gonna use more than one poet to prove his point, right? NO, he goes for german poet friederich hölderlin and nO ONE ELSE, and like you could already argue that if you’re discussing LANGUAGE using *one* poet just from your mother tongue is kind of stupid but nvm that, in the middle of the usual nonsense he goes like OH BECAUSE SINCE HIS POETRY WAS THAT GOOD/DEEP/WHATEVER HE COULD SEE THE TRUTH OF LANGUAGE™ THROUGH IT AND THAT MADE HIM GO INSANE, except that if you know anything about the dude’s life it’s pretty obvious that okay he had a bad mental breakdown at some point but the signs started being seen after his sweetheart died so like......... THAT WAS NOT ABOUT THE POETRY™ IT WAS ABOUT THE FACT THAT THIS POOR GUY ALREADY WAS MOST LIKELY SCHIZOPHRENIC AND THE GIRL’S DEATH MADE IT WORSE like it’s not a mystery so why

and that is just TWO things you can possibly grasp but like being and time is all like that about I’M EXPLAINING YOU THE MEANING OF EXISTENCE and honestly fuck that noise

now you’ll say okay that looks like this dude conned half of the world into thinking he was good but what’s the rest of it bc your vehement hatred of him can’t just be that

WELL POINT IS THE DUDE WAS A DAMN CERTIFIED NAZIST™ WHO WAS ALSO A HYPOCRITE TO  BOOT AND I HATE HIS ASS TO DEATH

now we can start with the fact that he was a pupil of other important philosopher™ edmund husserl of whose work I’m not a fan but who personally I have nothing against, now this dude already planned to leave him his position but WAIT HE WAS JEWISH, what happens when hitler comes to power? he gets laid off ofc and heidegger SAYS NOTHING AND TAKES HIS PLACE AND REMOVED THE DEDICATION TO HIS FORMER MENTOR FROM THE 1941 EDITION OF BEING AND TIME and basically he never said or did shit against the regime and imvho it’s obvious reading his works that he... bought into it, but wait more on that later

on top of that the fact that he was supporting the regime/not doing anything against it and having affairs with his students two of which had jewish ancestry/were jewish JUST FUCKING IRKS ME because while I’m not gonna bitch about the affairs since he and his wife most likely had some... agreement bc his second son was from her lover not his but he recognized him anyway and he had affairs all around I suppose that was fine, but WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE A PROFESSOR AND YOU FUCK YOUR STUDENTS? IDC THAT HALF OF ACADEMIA DOES IT YOU’RE STILL A PIG ffs

ANYWAY like the thing is that since everyone thinks he’s A GODDAMNED GENIUS (my ass) EVERYONE HAS CONSEQUENTLY IGNORED THAT HE SUPPORTED THE GODDAMNED REGIME EVEN IF JUST AFTER THE WAR HE WAS SIDE-EYED FOR THAT never mind that in some goddamne other essay from the 50s he compared concentration camps to industrialized agriculture and ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS, and like NO ONE ACTUALLY SAYS HEY YOU NEED TO STUDY THIS ASSHOLE BC HE’S IMPORTANT FOR CONTEMPORARY PHILOSOPHY BUT KEEP IN MIND THE NAZISM IS STRONG which would be honest naaaaah most people in academia used to pretend he just collaborated and the likes -

until someone published his private diaries a few years ago when it was obvious he was supporting the regime and suddenly 80% of academia was like:

BECAUSE OF COURSE HOW COULD SUCH A GENIUS HAVE AGREED WITH HITLER WELL he did fuck off

and you’ll say okay but why does it piss you off so much? IT DOES BECAUSE THEN I HAD TO SIT THROUGH LECTURES OF PEOPLE BITCHING ABOUT ANCIENT GREEK PHILOSOPHERS BEING MISOGYNISTS WHEN IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THEIR THEORIES AND I WOULDN’T HAVE PRESUMED AN ANCIENT GREEK DUDE WOULD KNOW BETTER while I’d presume someone in nazi germany with a brain functioning would have known better and could have known better, but NO WE’RE IGNORING THAT BECAUSE WE CAN’T ADMIT THAT OUR PRECIOUS GENIUS WHO ALSO IS IMVHO NOT WAS A GODDAMNED HITLER SUPPORTER

AND I HATE THE WHOLE HYPOCRISY OF IT like please I don’t mind studying people’s work when I hate their ideology but I hate people pretending it wasn’t like that just because it would make the dude look bad yeah guess what idc also because 99% of what he said was bullshit anyway

tldr: the asshole was an unrepentant nazi supporter who didn’t really change that much after the war, 90% of his writings is incomprehensible and what’s comprehensible is basically ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME and on top of that he’s the reason why all contemporary philosophers can’t talk in understandable terms by the layman if you pay them to AND why everyone thinks we’re a bunch of stuck-up fucks who spend their time thinking about nothing and I really fucking hate that asshole’s guts and if there was ONE overrated person in the history of philosophy it was this piece of shit and that’s 100% of the reasons why I avoid contemporary philosophers like the plague if I can afford it :)

thanks this was my ted talk I hope you enjoyed it ;) ;)

[xbellaxcarolinax]

Forging A Heart (Ivar the Boneless) 16- Free

Pairing: Ivar x Artemis (OFC)

Word Count: 3381

Warnings: None.

AN: Thanks for the love guys, I appreciate it sooo much 😊 For those who have read this on Wattpad, I have edited the hell out of this story, so some parts have changed. Anyway, hope ya’ll enjoy.

15- York

...

One thing Ivar loved to do was sing.

They were usually the old lullabies his mother would sing to him as a child on nights when the pain was impossible to ignore. It remind him of his father. It was his peace of mind.

"Just wait, though wide he may roam, always a hero comes home,"

Ivar's hand hovered over the chess board as he contemplated his next move. His voice was almost a whisper, the melody ghosting over his pink lips, haunting yet beautiful.

"He goes where no one has gone, but always a hero comes home."

He quickly moves his piece forward, snatching his opponent's piece from the board and into the small horde of his collection. His opponent, the bishop, was as surprised as Artemis, his eyebrows shooting up at Ivar's quick attack. Ivar continues to hum the rest of the tune while waiting for the bishop to make his move. Apparently he learned the game from Prince Alfred sometime ago.

"What do you think of the bishop?" He suddenly asks her, his blue eyes following the bishop's scarred hand.

"I'm more interested in the game, I think."

Bishop Heahmund did not seem like a pleasant man. He often shot her accusatory glares after noticing the cross about her neck. He didn't resemble a man of the clergy with his leather clothes and cropped hair, and even less so with a sword in his hand. He didn't speak often, but when he did, it was rough and strained, as if he'd been screaming for an entire lifetime.

"He fascinates me. He is quite an impressive fighter." Ivar comments, turning his body to look at her from across the room, "His sword, I'd like you to examine it. It is unlike anything I've seen."

"As you wish, Prince."

The bishop mutters something to Ivar in that Saxon language. It was so dissimilar to the other languages of the Mediterranean, so foreign and strange. The way his mouth would move and how his tongue shifted to make certain sounds was beyond her, but Ivar grasped it with ease.

The bishop gazes at her with scrutiny in his eyes before looking back at Ivar's amused ones.

"He asks of your origins. He can clearly see you're not of the north."

"And I can clearly see he is no bishop." Ivar snorts at her comment, beckoning her closer. She was much too far for his liking. Artemis was hesitant in taking the seat that Ivar offered beside him, but she complies. She kept her eyes trained on the pieces on the chess board, very elaborately decorated.

Ivar speaks once again in the Saxon tongue, repeating her words and watching as the bishop rolled his eyes.

"I am Greek." She tells the man, waiting to see if he understood her. She didn't know whether he spoke her language or not, but most priests and clergymen did. He must have, because he hesitated, completely caught off guard.

"Do you understand me?"

"Minimal." The bishop answers brokenly. Perhaps he really was a bishop. "You are far from home." He continues.

"I have his brother to thank for that." She discreetly motions toward Ivar, who watches their conversation in fascination.

"Your people do not follow the Holy Father in Rome." Bishop Heahmund grunts out in his terrible Greek, finally losing his king piece to Ivar. Artemis rolls her eyes.

"Right. It has been a pleasure." She stands, pushing the chair back with an unpleasant screech before marching off to where she previously stood.

"Why has he upset you? I thought you'd both get on well," Ivar waved his hand about to explain himself further, the king piece in his tight grip, "He even speaks your language."

"I am not Christian enough for him-" Ivar snorts at this, "The people of the east do not follow the pope of Rome."

"What? What is a pope?"

"A man who has power over all Christian men of the west, even the kings." Artemis tries to explain the petty rivalies of the church, making herself busy by sorting out all of Ivar's daggers and wiping them down with a dampened cloth.

"I do not understand," Ivar frowned, helping the bishop set up the board again for a new match, "Are you Christian's not all the same?"

"It is much more complicated than that," She says, "There are different rules and traditions." If she were facing him, she would have seen him roll his eyes.

"East, west, you are all the same to me." He says after moment, his eyes following Heahmund's first move.

There was a long silence that followed, and only the clinking of the chess pieces against the porcelain board filled the chamber. Artemis settled comfortably in her thoughts as she polished Ivar's daggers. It was a useless task, really, as they would probably be impaled into an unlucky brute soon.

"Are you his whore?" Heahmund's scratchy voice burned the insides of her ears.

She really didn't like him.

"Of all the words to learn, you learned that one?" The bishop shrugs.

"You learn the bad ones first." Artemis scrunched her face in displeasure, turning to look at him from over her shoulder.

"I am his blacksmith, bishop." Ivar looks between the two in confusion.

"It seems I will have to learn this language as well," Ivar grunts, "Did he offend you?"

"I believe you should ask him that."

Once again the odd sounds of the Saxon language filled the room unpleasantly until Ivar snorts again, a large smile breaking across his face.

"The man has humor." Ivar let's out the laugh he'd been holding in when he sees her obvious distaste for the bishop.

"I find no joy in his humor." Ivar sighs, but the annoying smile still plays on his lips.

"Then I shall put you at ease. You may go." She was glad for it, storing away his daggers in a leather pouch and setting them aside before turning and giving Ivar a respected bow. She didn't miss the bishop's glare, and she was quick to return the gesture.

"Artemis?" Ivar calls after her, "Do not try anything stupid."

What he meant to say was do not try anything stupid because I have a guard following you.

...

Ivar decided to have guards posted at every entrance way and anywhere he felt a need for them, reflecting his rising paranoia. He felt treachery at every corner and deception in every path. His anxiety escalated ever since he'd severed ties with his older brother.

When Ubbe left, he took a small fleet of boats with him back to Kattegat. He was in obvious disagreement with his youngest brother. He had no desire to venture farther into England for raiding. All he wanted was to live out their fathers dream and farm the land that was given to them by King Ecbert. Except, that land wasn't really rightfully theirs anyway.

It was sad to see such a family drift apart from each other, all because Ivar was ambitious and wanted more.

Hvitserk had hesitated, leaving with Ubbe aboard the ship until the very last moment, deciding to jump off and change his allegiance with Ivar. The oldest left quite solemnly, but it didn't deter him from what he felt was his duty. He didn't agree with Ivar nor his ideas or commands, and therefore he felt no need to remain under such leadership.

It was sad to watch Ubbe leave. He was the glue that kept the Ragnarson's together and was a good man with a heart of gold. Artemis offered him an apple before he left. It made the blonde smile.

Ivar felt betrayed.

Despite all the taunting he had done watching his brother leave, it hurt him so much more than he could express. Ubbe was his defender, the one who always looked out for him. Now he was gone.

Ivar did what he knew best, throwing things about in his fury. His anger lasted days, lashing out on anyone who dared to approach him. But the anger passed as it always did and the conquest in York continued.

He kept true to his word, having a guard monitor her whenever she was alone.

It was a trust issue at first, but then word spread that a slave woman was raped by one of his own men. In a different situation, Ivar wouldn't have batted an eye at that as it was no business of his what his men wanted to do with slaves. But then it had him thinking about his own slave. Not that the men would dare touch her for obvious reasons, but still, it was precaution.

She was safe, for the most part, but grew weary of such boring company. And she was sure this guard was bored of hers. If she wasn't followed by Ivar's guard then she was in the company of Hvitserk, who constantly joked about having to play caretaker. Artemis actually liked his company.

Spring was slowly beginning to transition into the summer heat, carrying with it the humid airs and more rain. Her hair didn't agree with the weather, the long strands expanding into disarray until she finally decided to sport them into mediocre braids.

It took Artemis some time to grow accustomed to the new city. She often explored it when she could spare the time, following the path of the river Thames's slow moving waters. She found herself admiring the English view.

But if anyone were to search for her, she could be found in York's forge. It was nothing like Ecbert's forge, but it was still impressive. The area was large and heated, made for multiple men to work at once, with a large pit for a blazing fire in the middle. She loved it.

She became aquainted with the technique of the northerners with Arvid's help, and now she strived to retain more knowledge from the Saxons, specifically the bishops sword. She had taken the sword to examine it as Ivar requested, and she understood why he was so fascinated by it.

It was forged of a stronger material, and she could already tell it was quite expensive to own. The long sword had a golden pommel, with precious stones embedded on the grip. There was something engraved into the blade, which only added to its mystery.

Heahmund was obviously once a rich man.

Artemis ran her fingers over the smoothness of the blade, working to shine it to perfection. She was reminded of her father, a master of crafting blades. She thought less of him. The less she thought of him, the less it hurt, burying it deep within herself as to not feel the emotional pain of having no family and being utterly alone.

...

Artemis had done a fantastic job staying away from Arvid.

She didn't speak to him, she didn't even glance in his direction. He'd catch her from time to time, speaking to his wife, sharing a laugh or two with her, inquiring on his health, but nothing more. He'd wondered how she managed to dance her way around him, despite them working together. He suppose he deserved it.

Arvid found a chance to speak to her, catching her sitting on the stool that Ivar sat on only days ago while enduring the painful pricking of a tattoo. Artemis hears his boots scuffing up the dirt, stopping in front of her. His handsome features were clouded with remorse.

"Do you hate me?" He asks bluntly.

"Hate is a strong word, Arvid."

"It was not my intention to-"

"I do not understand what your intentions were." She interrupts him with a sigh. Her small fingers held onto a whetstone, sharpening the bishop's sword. When Arvid steps closer for a better look at it, the guard he failed to notice made his presence known, hand resting on the hilt of his sword. They were part of Ivar's personal guard. The guard was quite a distance away, but he held a threatening stance. Arvid frowns.

"What is done, is done," Artemis continued to say, posture becoming more rigid the longer he stood there.

"Surely you have much more to say than that." Arvid insists.

"Not really."

Arvid runs a hand down his rugged face. He wanted to shout at her and elicit something from her, but he was better off steadying his tone if this guard was watching.

"Odin help me. You are infuriating."

"And you are a traitor. You do not value our friendship," She replied harshly, sheathing the sword and placing it at her feet with less care then she should have before crossing her arms. "You sold me out for your own selfish reasons, and now you want to reconcile?"

"I did not wish to see you make a mistake." His tone drops lower, and his blue eyes shone with regret. He didn't want to have a simple friendship, his passionate heart wouldn't allow it.

"That was my mkstake to make," Artemis remained with her arms crossed, but her anger slowly faded, leaving nothing but a frown in its wake, "He could have killed me, you know."

"Nonsense, he cares for you," Arvid scoffs with a roll of his eyes, "He even has that nice guard to watch over you,"

"Now is not the time for your petty jealousy," Artemis, stands grabbing the heavy sword in her hands, "I could have been home. I had a chance." A wave of emotion erupted in her like a storm out at sea, and angry tears blurred her vision. She told herself she wouldn't cry anymore, she refused to show such weakness, but her voice quivered terribly, and her skin flushed pink from the stress of tears.

She was emotionally tired.

Arvid felt terrible. His attempt at making amends was failing miserably. The last thing he wanted was to see her weep.

"Forgive me." He says dumbly to her, but he knew that wouldn't be suffice. He was pathetic, pining over a women that would always belong to Ivar. The youngest prince of Kattegat did not hide his feelings well, it was obvious. He cared for Artemis in his own way, even if he couldn't admit it.

Arvid had no right to be envious. He had a beautiful and loyal wife who cared for him as any wife should her husband, yet he felt the jealously tighten its hold on him. He should not have been so selfish.

"Artemis?" The sound of Hvitserk's voice made her quickly wipe her face free of any tears.

"Ivar is requesting your presence." His brows rose in silent questioning, but he says nothing, only watching with eyes of suspicion as she casts Arvid one last look before walking over to Hvitserk.

"Prince Hvitserk."

"You know, I tire of such formalities." He says with a small smile, draping his arm about her shoulders as he usually did when he was being particularly friendly. She blinked, her eyes adjusting to the rare sunlight that poked through her wet lashes before turning her gaze to the Ragnarson.

"Hvitserk." She corrected herself, rubbing at her nose with the back of her hand.

"What did he want?" Hvitserk looks over his shoulder. At least Ivar trusted him enough for the guard to slink away when he came around.

"He was seeking forgiveness." She mutters, clutching the sword tight.

"I should be seeking yours as well." He laughs, ruffling her already messy curls over the area where her wound should've healed by now. He did it to ease her discomfort, but only succeeded in making her feel like a child. She swats his hand away, offering him a smile that doesn't reach her eyes.

"Can you forgive me?"

"I suppose," She begins, looking away from him, "What does Ivar need?"

"I am not sure, you know he refuses to disclose his plans." He was clearly annoyed about it. Hvitserk stayed behind with Ivar expecting for them to share the role of leader, but Ivar always kept his older brother out of the loop, leaving him in a foul mood.

"But he appeared to be in better spirits, so I'm sure he is up to something." He shrug, laughing when she playfully pushes him off before entering the church.

She wished she could have seen it in its glory, before it was desecrated. The walls were draped in Ivar's new sigil, a red banner with a circle of gold and black swirls. It was a sign of the future king he desired to be.

A blonde woman came skittering out into the hall, barely dressed and a large grin on her face. Artemis recognized her as Freydis, a pretty slave that roamed about the camp as a woman of pleasure. Freydis passes her, giving her a wolfish grin. She runs off in a flurry of giggles, pulling her tattered dress over her thin shoulders.

That was strange.

Artemis rounds the corner to see Ivar sitting on his throne with a blush dusting his chiseled cheekbones. He clears his throat when he sees her approach.

"Artemis."

"What can I do for you, Prince?"

"I have news." Artemis's brows knit in confusion.

"News?" He smiles, glancing at the sheathed sword in her hands.

"Yes, but first, how fair's the bishop's sword?"

"...It is impressive, made of superior steel, but surely not by any dwarfs." She jokes, which in turn makes Ivar smirk, resting his chin on his hand. He wore his metal legs, tapping a finger along the dark iron.

"You know nothing of the dwarfs, Artemis," He says with a chuckle, before straightening his posture, and suddenly he wore a thoughtful expression. He cleared his throat, bringing his hands together and lacing his fingers across his lap.

"I've decided to grant you what you most desire."

The words barely hit her, her mind slowly wrapping around the meaning. She opens her mouth as if to speak, but stops herself, not knowing what to say.

"I thought you'd be more excited," He was rather serious, staring at her with an odd intensity, "You have your freedom." His brow wrinkles as he awaited her response.

"I do not understand." She says, feeling her kneecaps shake, "Why did you not let me go with Bjorn?"

"...I did not want you to leave...under such circumstances, and without my consent," He hesitates, unable to meet her eyes, "I thought it would be the right thing to do." She had longed to hear him say such words. She lowers her head in disbelief, placing a hand to her brow as a weight lifted off her shoulders. It seemed too easy.

"No, none of that." Ivar says with a roll of his eyes. When she turns her eyes towards him he frowns, leaning forward on his throne as if to examine her features closely.

"Have you been crying?" Ivar grips his axe tightly, making movements to stand, "Has someone hurt you?" She shakes her head, biting her lip, but otherwise remains quiet.

"Are you hurt?" He urges, this time his tone was softer than she's ever heard it before. She sighs.

"Only my heart. I am homesick,"

"You are a free women now," His demeanor changes instantly, straightening his back against his makeshift throne, "You are free to navigate, but I cannot spare you any ships or men to help you, I need them all at my disposal." Artemis nods, keeping her eyes downcast.

"But," He continues, "I will offer to have you stay in my service as a blacksmith if you wish to remain loyal to me. You shall always have a roof over your head and food in your belly, if you choose to accept." She shifts on her feet, holding the bishop's sword to her chest in thought.

"You will be protected." He adds, noting the doubt in her eyes. After a few moments of silence, she nods, raking a hand through her hair. She hoped it wouldn't be a mistake.

"I accept the offer, Prince Ivar," He smiles at her, a genuine smile that could light every candle in the hall.

"Excellent choice," He says, "I shall like you to come back to Norway with me, to King Harald's lands. It is time to enact my revenge on Lagertha."

...

A Hero Comes Home- Beowulf

...

@heavenly1927 @didiintheblog @rastakami23

[wonderlandmind4]

Delicate Stages of Life: 23

Let Me Feel as Hurt as You Do

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x OFC; Platonic Steve Rogers x OFC

Summary: Life in Wakanda is filled with love, laughs, some tears, all emotions, lazy days, goats, hot springs, a soul connection, and something dark that looms over Bucky’s and Ana’s domestic bliss…

Warnings: Language. Angst. Loss, Grief. Anxiety attack. Someone gets mad. A very slight implication of mentioned abortion, but not by word, by context. (This chapter focuses some on Steve and Ana)

Words: 14,639k words. Ha. Ha. I’m sorry.

A/N: Again, sorry for taking so long to update. From Jan-March 12th, I was completely booked soild at work. And then, this virus happened and I got laid off and oh look! A new chapter! I hope everyone is healthy and staying safe and staying inside. Here is a 14k+ chapter for you. (Do not read unless you’ve read Delicate Stages first) 

Previously: Ana had a full on energy bursting breakdown. Steve ran after her, causing him to feel his own energy drain, and leaving small cuts and bruises on his arm, left by Ana. Time is told by weeks of pregnancy. 

A pounding pressure circles Ana’s entire head, as if her brain is trying to squeeze itself out through her skull. Her nose is clogged, her mouth slightly open to breathe, to taste the air that no longer smells like Bucky; the last thing she had been trying to hold onto. At least this way she can’t smell the scent of him fading away from the fabric of his shirt she’s wearing. Instead, the air faintly tastes like charred earth.

Her eyelids are heavy, swollen from the tears that have yet to stop. Ana sits silently, gaze transfixed through the floor to ceiling windowpanes where the glass had shattered, decorating the ground like crystals.

Wet tracks have stained patterns on her cheeks, tear after tear. Her mind is thankfully blank for the time being. Just focused on watching the glass reflect off the lights in the compound and the glow of the moon. Her vision begins morphing the reflections together like dark watercolors. An odd flutter in her stomach rolls through her, gently pulling her from the depths of her mind; the colors had begun to form a dusty orange landscape.

“Hey, think you feel up to drinking this for me?”

Blinking back to awareness, Ana watches as Carol wiggles a little jar in front of her. That same elixir she had made her drink on occasion; it truly helps her feel better physically. Carol hands her the vial, their fingers touching. The moment of contact stirs the energy within Ana, causing her body to tense up abruptly. It lasts for a moment, before the tension eases into something calmer than she’s ever felt. It’s different, welcoming, and Ana finds her hand covering the other woman’s to chase that odd serenity.

“What?” Ana breathes, confused.

Carol offers her a friendly smile. She leans a tad closer. “You and I, don’t think we’re that different, power wise.”

“I don’t understand?” She blinks a few times.

Ana is utterly exhausted after her outburst, yet she could still feel the light turmoil of her energy prickling just under her skin. Now, her energy is finally beginning to settle, feels similar like the rings Shuri gave her.

“I’m stabilizing your energy levels,” Carol explains smoothly.

“You-you can do that?”

“Didn’t know until right now, figured I’d try it.”

“You’re so powerful,” Ana whispers, inhaling slowly as her body finally relaxes. “Much higher than my level of- this.” She vaguely gestures to her own body with her free hand. She allows herself a few more moments of Carol’s touch before taking the bottle from her.

“Then it’s something we can chat about later, once you’re feeling better,” She promises. Then she smirks. “And when you don’t look like you got swallowed whole then spit back out by a Flerken.”

“What’s a- never mind,” Ana sighs tiredly, opening the jar.

“Slow sips, alright? Rest for a few days. I have more if needed.”

She nods in silent gratitude. Carol pats her shoulder twice, though Ana doesn’t feel the same comforting flow she did just a minute ago. She also doesn’t miss Carol’s head jerk to Natasha as she walks away. Natasha follows her, and if Ana wasn’t as drained as she is, she may had been more curious.

When she finishes the elixir, Rhodes and Steve help her stand and make her way to her room. She briefly notices small spots of blood on Steve’s sleeve. She frowns, but Rhodey asking if he can make a call to Pepper, and would it be okay with her, distracts her. Ana nods, struck aware that she hasn’t spoken to her cousin in two months.

Another realization overcomes her as the men assist her down the hallway. Ana had been unintentionally horrible the past three months to everyone around her. She didn’t just shut off her emotions, she shut out her friends.

*

Just twenty minutes after she’s in bed, a light tapping sounds at the door as Ana slightly readjusts her sitting position. Apparently being reacquainted with her emotions also comes with new pains and aches; her lower back for one. Ana finally gets her pillows in the right position, nearly forgetting someone is at the door.

It cracks open, Natasha peaking her head in. “Is it alright for me to enter?”

She sounds so formal. Ana can’t blame her. “Uh, y-yeah,” She clears her raw throat. “Yes.”

The corner of Natasha’s mouth cracks with a sad smirk before her face goes back to unreadable. She gently shuts the door behind her, moving toward the bed, Ana shifting her legs over to give her a space to sit. Which she does.

Ana bites her lip hard, nervous about Natasha’s pending anger. Worried Nat will give her a verbal lashing, even though she knows she deserves it. Her skin prickles with the apprehensive energy in the room. She inhales shakily, counts to five in her head before exhaling, rubbing her hands over the bottom curve of her growing stomach.

When Natasha finally speaks, her voice is unreadable. “Ana.”

Ana nearly flinches hearing her name. She makes the briefest of eye contact with the former spy. A single tear escapes Ana’s left eye, despite her efforts to keep them at bay. Natasha slowly reaches out to- what? Would she actually slap a pregnant woman? Flick her off? Make another rude hand gesture? Ana breaks their stare, ashamed- and isn’t that quite amazing to feel that now. Shame for how she’d been for the past three months.

Instead of a sharp stinging slap, or a bruising pinch, the gentle hand laid on her shoulder genuinely shocks her. Ana shoots her gaze up again, another tear overflowing. There’s a softness in Natasha’s eyes that she hasn’t see in so very long, her green eyes glassy. Her fingers apply pressure to Ana’s shoulder a moment before her shoulder is pulled forward a little. The motion makes her chin tremble, biting her lip still, nearly hard enough to draw blood.

Natasha exhales sadly, a little huff of air before she fully pushes Ana closer. Suddenly, she has Ana’s face pressed to her neck, and her other arm is hugging her tightly around her back. A hug. Nat is giving her a hug, one she doesn’t deserve in the least. A comforting, supporting hug. Something Ana hasn’t felt in months.

Tears flow freely down her face once again. Natasha holds her as best as she can, her fingers digging into her skin.

“I…I,” Ana stutters between hiccuping gasps. “Nat-“

“I know, I know,” Natasha replies softly. “Shhhh, I know, Ana. Apology accepted. Just let it out now. I’m here. It’s okay.”

Ana wraps her arms around her as much as she can manage, fingers pressing into the solid form of comfort. She nearly cries herself to sleep that way. Barely conscious enough to realize Natasha moves her back and covers her with a blanket before she succumbs to sleep.

For once, Ana has a dreamless slumber.

*

Steve rubs his thumb over the already scabbed over crescent marks on his forearm, noticing the faint bruising around them too.

“Glass get ya’?”

Rocket’s voice grabs his attention, going back to sweeping his pile of shattered glass into the dustpan.

“No, just-“ But Steve stops because he doesn’t have an excuse. Not to mention he’s sure everyone witnessed everything.

“She always been strong enough to draw blood from a super soldier?” Rocket continues casually, finishing his pile before jumping up on the arm of the couch. Eye level with Steve’s arm now.

A brief memory flashes through Steve’s mind of Ana accidentally clipping Bucky in a sparring match outside their hut. It led to a busted lip, Ana apologizing profusely while straddling Bucky and him looking up at her with proud adoring eyes as if she hung the moon.

He mentally shakes the memory away. She always had a hidden strength about her, but never enough to physically bruise them with just a grip of her fingers.

“No, this would be new.”

“Has no one noticed her growing strength these past weeks?” Nebula muses lowly, studying a small device in her hands. She fiddles with it, then points it at the first pile large of broken glass. “The minuscule signs of her powers becoming unsteady?”

She presses a button, a short burst of purple light shoots from the device. Suddenly the pile is gone, nothing but a wisp of smoke before it fades. Steve in utter shock, is impressed with the tool, and vaguely thinks if they had that a while back it would have saved them a lot of clean up time in previous home attacks.

“Uh-“ Steve begins.

“Oh, let me do the rest!” Rocket demands, hopping off the couch and grabbing the device as Nebula holds it out.

“The light charred marks on tables,” She continues, her dark eyes locking on Steve’s. “The-

“Dent marks? Yeah,” He says, leaning against the back of the couch. Rocket cackles as three more piles disappear. Steve continues. “Didn’t catch the first signs though.”

“Ana is…fascinatingly powerful. More than any of you realize.”

Crossing his arms tightly, Steve frowns in perplexed curiosity. What has this woman from another planet seen in Ana that no one else had noticed. That he himself hadn’t paid attention to. “Care to elaborate?”

“The sheer amount of energy she released,” Nebula pauses, her eyes narrowing suspiciously. “Was extremely similar to that of-“

“Captain Rogers, you have an incoming call from Mrs. Stark.”

FRIDAY’s interruption could have come at different time than this. Steve drops his arms as he pushes himself off the couch.

“We’ll talk about that later,” He tells Nebula, heading toward the conference room.

She nods, then snatches the device from Rocket just as he was about to test it on a lounge chair. Steve ponders her words over in his head, some pieces coming together from the past month. He did noticed the perfectly scorched hand print on the bedside table in Ana’s room tonight. However, speaking to Pepper takes precedence at the moment.

*

Five days pass before Ana remembers the details of her breakdown. Five days before she connects the spots of blood on Steve’s arm was her doing; granted, she had slept soundlessly for most of those days. Her body seeming to finally catch up on a decent amount of sleep and beginning to heal from her emotional stunted issues. As in, she’s been overly emotionally now, like her hormones are speeding up to make up the past three months.

It was recommended by Pepper, after Ana had a long overdue conversation with her, that she should watch cute animal videos, or light comedic movies to lift her spirits a little. It worked for one day before she came across a fluffy kitten video and started crying at how cute the little kitty was.

Now, Ana gingerly gets up to use the bathroom, her bladder clearly smaller and being constantly pressed on. Instead of getting back in bed however, she leaves her room in search for Steve herself. That, and she suddenly has a craving for mango pizza again.

“What the hell are you doing walking around?” Rocket greets her as she rounds the corner to the kitchen.

“I’m hungry,” She replies with a pout, slowly moving to the freezer. “Have you seen Steve?”

“There’s plenty of people here to bring you food, take advantage of that, Barnes.”

Ana halts for a moment hearing her last name, the little “space raccoon” as Rhodes likes to call him, only knows her as Ana Barnes. She inhales slowly, then pulls open the door.

“And would you have brought me food on a tray?” She shoots over her shoulder, voice teasing. She nearly forgot how it feels to tease someone.

“What do I look like, a servant? I meant use the others.” He replies flippantly.

For the first time in a long time, Ana cracks a smile. A small chuckle even escaping past her lips. She turns to glance at him, and swears she sees a little smirk from him too.

“Ana? What the in hell are you walking around for?”

Ahh, there he is. She closes the door, but keeps her hand on the handle for support. “Looking for you, and hungry.”

Steve fixes her with his disapproving looking before he suddenly looks surprised. “You’re hungry?”

“Yes.”

He sighs. “Go lay back down and I’ll make you something.”

“No, this is specific-“

“Could’ve just asked FRIDAY to call someone.”

“I disabled FRIDAY from my room, remember?” She reminds him awkwardly as Steve begins to usher her back. “Two months ago.”

“Right. What’s this specific food you want?”

“Mango piz- wait.” Ana stops, wincing at her abrupt movement. She looks over her shoulder again after she takes a steady breath. “Rocket, is that my glock? And my knife set?”

Rocket had gone back to doing his task before she had entered, popping his head up to acknowledge her.

“Oh, yeah,” He answers lightly. “Stole them from that shooting range here. You ain’t using them right, full belly and all? No? Good. Couldn’t find your metaled arm husband’s gun, figured I’d clean these instead. In case you decide to have another cool outburst- I mean, breakdown, they’ll be of use.”

Ana just stares as Steve covers his laugh with a cough.

“That okay?”

There’s no snark coming from him, just a teasing glint in his dark eyes. She can’t pinpoint why, but Rocket cleaning her long forgotten weapons and clearly knowing they were hers, touches Ana more than she thought it would. She recalls him handing her Bucky’s gun after the incident; which is now carefully put away in the closet.

“The smaller knife on the right is spring loaded,” She informs him with a small smile. “Used to be inside the boots I wore. It’s a good knife. Take care of them all.”

Rocket grabs the knife, finds the switch and springs it open. He salutes with it as Ana follows Steve back to her room.

An hour later has Steve serving freshly made pizza with chopped up mango pieces on top. Ana already feels bad the second he came in. He takes one look at her grimacing face and groans, setting the pie down on the bedside tray.

“You’re no longer craving this, are you?” He guesses, dropping the paper plates as well.

She shakes her head. “Sorry.”

“Hungry for anything else?”

“Did I hurt you, that night?” Ana abruptly questions. It’s the whole reason she wanted to find him in the first place. Not for food.

“What are you talking about?” Steve frowns, hands on his hips.

“Nat’s always been right. You’re a terrible liar, Rogers.”

He sighs, sitting down on her bed next to her legs. “Ana, you weren’t aware of draining my energy.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about,” She replies, then grabs his left arm.

Ana pushes the flannel sleeve up to his elbow, pulling him closer to see better. Five very faint crescent shapes on his arm are barely visibly in the light but they’re there. Four in a row and the fifth just a few centimeters to the left. Ana traces the shapes with her finger, his skin smooth from any scabbing.

“I saw blood on your sleeve that night,” She informs him, raising his arm to her eyes for a better look. She turns his arm side to side, no resistance from him. “Thought maybe it was the glass. It wasn’t.”

There. Ana keeps his arm at a slight angle, and the smallest discoloration of yellow stands out against his usual peachy skin tone. “I held onto your arm.”

“Yeah,” Steve confirms calmly. “Dug your nails in. Had a pretty strong grip there.”

A thought runs through her mind, causing Ana to drop his arm. She very suddenly does not want Steve to put any of his own thoughts together. Calling herself out on the cuts was a bad idea, and anxiety shoots through her chest. She doesn’t want anyone to know or to possibly connect her oddly growing strength. Ana herself has been aware it for weeks.

“Sorry I hurt you,” She rushes out. “Sorry,” Ana repeats kinder. “For everything.”

Steve looks like he wants to continue the subject, then thinks better of it. “Don’t worry about apologies right now, okay? Just take it easy for the next week, try not to stress yourself out, Ana. Once you’re feeling better and off bed rest, we can revisit it.”

“Okay, yeah. Sounds good,” She agrees, mentally breathing a sigh of relief. Though she can’t help feeling like her and Steve are treading on thin ice.

She shifts around, adjusting the pillows. Steve helps her, mainly making sure she doesn’t accidentally fall off the side. Ana feels exhausted again, her lower back aching as she finally finds a position comfortable enough.

“Apparently turning your emotions back on makes you realize you’re actually pregnant.” Ana huffs, half on her side.

“’Bout damn time,” Steve snips instantly. Ana quirks an eyebrow. “I mean! I didn’t mean for that to sound rude. I just meant, sometimes it felt like you didn’t…care.”

“Steve,” Ana begins solemnly after a short pause. She looks him straight in the eye, stressing her next words. “Natasha said the same thing to me. If I did not want or care for this baby. I would not be pregnant anymore.”

It’s silent between them as her words sink in. She can see in his eyes when he comprehends her meaning. Steve drops his head for a moment, before he meets her gaze again. He takes her hands in his, squeezing.

“And we would have supported you with whatever decision you made,” Steve tells her just as serious. “We still do. Support you. That’s all any of us wanted to do. We’re…we’re your family now. We’re here for you and little Barnes in there.”

Ana scoffs to cover the tightness in her throat. “You’ve always been my family, Steve. Well, at least for the past seven years.” That earns her a chuckle. “Thank you.”

“You look tired, get some rest.” He releases her hands and begins to stand.

“Actually, I kinda want the pizza now.”

Steve rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t hide how happy her eating seems to make him.

*

Ana cautiously makes her way to the bathroom, pressing her hands to her lower back as she walks. She turns on the sink, cupping her hands under the faucet and presses the cold water to her clammy face. Sighing in relief, she repeats the notion until her face feels clean of sweat. Body aches and mild hot flashes bringing the clammy skin, her ankles beginning to swell just a little. It’s almost as if her body is reminding her of the growing human inside her uterus with a vengeance. Payback for now finally feeling everything from her lack of feeling nothing for weeks.

However, she does take comfort in the facts that the baby is healthy and her most of her vitals are back to normal. Ana reaches for a washcloth on the counter, patting her face dry. She catches her gaze in the mirror once she’s finished, and stares.

Dull dark eyes peer back at her, the golden dots just matte specks. Grayish-purple circles are prominent against unusually pale skin tone. Highlights the fine lines of her lower eyelids, lines of exhaustion, stress, loss. Her face has thinned, looks sullen from lack of smiles, of laughter. The white of her eyes bloodshot, either from tears after so long of not shedding them or just lack of sleep.

Ana’s reflection startles her. This is the first time she has truly taken in her appearance in months. Too afraid to see the failure in her eyes of not saving Bucky in time. Of not stopping Thanos. Of the loss of life in her own eyes. She takes a step back, seeing herself entirely.

Smoothing her damp hands over her stomach, she grabs the hem of her- Bucky’s- shirt, lifting the material just under her breast. Which, have also grown bigger in the past three months. It’s not as if she hasn’t noticed her body growing, or seen her belly before, considering she has a top view of it every day, but this. This feels different.

Her skin has obviously accommodated the growing baby, proof of stretch marks on either side of her belly button that now pokes out. The old bullet wounds on her abdomen have stretched out as well, and the last few letters of her rib tattoo just barely affected. Ana traces her fingers over the new marks, then sees the slight movement of her belly in the mirror. A slow smile spreads across her lips, because this is different, and her mind drifts into another memory.

Ana shivers, legs tangled with strong muscular ones on the bed. Clothes long since scattered along the floor, a shirt on the lamp, bra on the mirror.

“Can’t wait to see your belly grow,” Bucky murmurs thickly. Nose grazing around her navel for the umpteenth time.

“Bucky,” Ana whines, breath ragged and pleading.

“Gonna look radiant, love.” He continues to praise, lips burning a trail of flames to her hip. “So fucking beautiful. My girl, my amazing wife.”

He stops his kissing, turning his head to lay his ear and cheek over the lower part of her stomach. His breath hitches as he listens, as her fingers sink into his long thick hair scratching his scalp.

“It’s the most beautiful sound in the world,” Bucky exhales, voice strained with emotion. “That little heartbeat. God, I can’t wait to feel this little jellybean move in there.”

Ana, despite wanting her husband to have his focus between her legs, laughs. “That’s what you can’t wait for?”

Bucky kisses her bellybutton, then her scars. “And many more, but, yes. My ma told me-“ He hesitates for a moment, as if he’s shocked he reminds the memory. “Whenever my sisters moved around, they were waving at me. Like they couldn’t wait to meet me.”

“Bucky, sweetheart,” Ana’s voice is a gentle sigh, fond and full of adoration. “This baby definitely can’t wait to meet you either.”

He hums. “I used to sing to them, when my Ma was pregnant. Said they could hear me. So, I talked to them every day. Like I’m going to talk and sing to our little one every day.”

Overwhelmed with how much she just fucking loves Bucky, Ana tugs him up to her, cupping his cheeks and giving him a deeply passionate kiss. His fingers tracing her stomach, over and over, until he finally lowers them.

A dull jab to the left side of her stomach pulls her back to her reflection. She chuckles wetly, tears escape as she blinks. Because this. This is her finally coming to terms.

“I can’t wait to meet you, little bean,” She whispers. She moves her hand to the same spot, feeling their baby moving around.

This. This is Ana finally connecting.

 25 weeks:

Another dream. The same dream. Over and over and over. Each time, ashes slip between her fingers the moment she touches Bucky. Each time he gives her that sad smile. Each time he speaks her name so tenderly. Each time, no matter what she does to try to save him, dust ingrains the lines of her palms, settles heavily in her lungs.

Each time she wakes with tears, panting and struggling to breathe. The only difference now is the ache in her chest, the stabbing pain through her heart, a haunting in her mind, and the shredded frays of her soul. The only thing that comforts her now, is the sound of Bucky’s voice recorded on the kimoyo beads.

Like clockwork every night, Ana hears Steve’s soft footsteps, a defeated sigh. On the eighth night, this changes. Steve finally knocks, cracking the open door she no longer keeps locked. Ana waits with her head in her hands for him to come in and sit on the edge of her bed.

She takes a few calming breaths before speaking. “What made you finally come in?” She inquires, face still hidden in her palms.

“How did you know I was there?” Steve asks bemused. He doesn’t wait for her answer. Instead he says, “Figured it was about time. Your nightmares. It’s what led to your...breakdown.”

Ana remains silent. He’s not wrong.

“I have nightmares too. So does Nat, Rhodey, all of us. Not sure about Nebula though, she’s more stoic than you were.”

She chuckles slightly at that, but still doesn’t look at him. She can feel his nervous energy radiating off him though, and it’s overwhelming to feel her ability again. There’s still an odd sort of tension between Ana and Steve. Makes her skin tingle and nerves jumpy, she almost wishes Carol were here instead.

“You don’t have to talk about them. You don’t have to talk to me about anything.” Steve continues, his voice morphs into a desperate hint of a plea. “Just, please don’t shut me out again, Ana.”

Frowning at her hands, she remains still, allowing him to talk.

“I mean,” He says quietly. “You shut everyone out, but it was worse with Natasha and I. Especially me. You never looked at me. You still can hardly look at me. I think I know why, and…I am so fucking sorry.”

Finally, Ana picks her head up, shocked and confused. But Steve’s eyes are staring off to the side, his hands twisting his fingers around. She follows his line of sight, to the picture of her and Bucky on their wedding day. When she looks at him again, his jaw clenches as he swallows.

Abruptly he stands up, but Ana reaches for his arm, grabbing his wrist. She sees him wince and realizes her grip is too tight. She quickly releases him as he stares wide eyed at her. She opens her mouth to ask why he apologized. Maybe ask why he’s suddenly leaving after he’d been pacing back and forth listening to her nightmares for weeks.

But a strange sensation shoots through her lower stomach and she gasps, hands immediately going to the spot. “Oh, fuck,” Ana whimpers with a wince. “Baby didn’t like that move.”

“Are you okay!? Do I need to call Dr. Hammond?” Steve asks frantically.

“No, no, I’m fine,” She reassures him, the pain fading. “Just moved too fast is all.”

Steve hums like he doesn’t quite believe her as he shakes his wrist out. “You look abnormally pale, lost your tanner complexion.”

Ana shrugs, not mentioning the lack of sun and definitely emotional stress is part of it. Instead, she attempts to reach for the nightstand drawer. Steve beats her too it, pulling out one of the vials of the elixir. He pops open the top, handing it to her. She nods her thanks.

“FRIDAY,” Steve addresses the AI that was reinstalled days ago. “What’s the read on Ana’s vitals?”

“Body temperature is normal, heart rate slightly elevated at 150 bpm. Fetal heart rate is normal range at 153 bpm. Mrs. Barnes blood pressure remains low at 90/60, however there are no other signs of distress at this time.”

“Thank you,” He says, seeming to relax just slightly.

“Mrs. Barnes, you haven’t taken your medication tonight, and your water intake has been minimal today. I can print out some prenatal yoga exercises and breathing techniques for you. I’ve noticed your sleeping pattern hasn’t improved enough to be considered healthy. Your appetite has improved quite a bit though.”

“This is why I disabled you in the first place,” Ana grumbles as Steve’s gaze narrows at her.

“I was truly impressed you bypassed my firewall, I was also hurt by your action-“ FRIDAY responds. Ana makes an indigent noise and swears FRIDAY sounds snippy. “-As I do care for your wellbeing. As does Mr. Stark.”

“Okay, that’s enough, thank you!” She snaps. The AI goes silent. Ana ignores the thick lump forming in her throat at the mention of Tony.

“Drink your water and take your medication.” Steve’s tone leaves no room for agreement as he gives her both her cup of water and the bottle of meds.

She does as she’s told, swallowing the pill and taking slow sips of water. She can feel her body relax and the baby roll around until it decides the position it’s is good enough.

“I don’t mean to continue to shut you out,” Ana confesses suddenly, eyes meeting Steve’s who was about to leave. “I’m still just trying to process feeling again. It’s overwhelming and I’m trying to stay as calm and relaxed as possible. The whole reason I did it in the first place, Steve, to was protect my child from any negative affects through me. You may not believe me, but everything I did, everything I’m trying to do is to protect my baby and keep it healthy.”

Sighing heavily, she puts her cup and bottle down, leaning back against her pillows. “Haven’t done a great job though.” She adds as an afterthought.

“I believe you,” Steve says, staying by the door. A shadow flickers in his blue eyes, and the energy around him changes darkly before it’s gone. “I just…sometimes it just feels like-“

Ana frowns because he just stops talking, shaking his head. Something is bothering him, and she swears it’s more than just shutting him out. He’s anxious about it. “Feels like what?”

“Nothing,” He gives her a nearly convincing smile. “It’s late, you should try going back to sleep.” Steve exists after that, closing the door but stopping the last few inches. “Ana, I’m here. If you need me. For anything.”

“I know,” She whispers as he shuts the door.

Ana covers her face again with her hands, inhaling slowly. She can still smell the faint ashes from her dreams, can still feel a phantom touch and realizes with a start, that she is not the only one to lose Bucky.

**

Finally, Ana is off bed rest, Dr. Hammond visiting once more for a check up and seemingly much happier with her health. She mentions the pains could possibly be Braxton Hicks contractions, a sign of her body beginning to prepare for birth. There’s only three months left and it’s this information of her body preparing to welcome a tiny human into the world, that Ana is appalled at herself. For a few reasons.

The first is Ana herself is not prepared whatsoever for a baby to arrive in three months. The second is knowing she hasn’t spoken to Pepper hardly at all, and rushes up to Rhodey. She all but interrogates him, asking if Pepper is angry. Demanding to know if Pepper is alright. Inquiring if the family is okay, and quickly questioning about Tony.

“Glad to see your rambling is back,” Rhodes quips, a smirk teasing his mouth.

He has been sitting in one of the conference rooms, apparently talking to whichever US Government leaders were left. Ana had come to find out that Thaddeus Ross was one of the many to disappear in “The Snap” as Rocket now refers bitterly to it. Ana however, doesn’t know how she quite feels about that bit of information. A bitter satisfaction does curl in her chest though.

“You sound a little like yourself again,” He continues, shutting off the holograms.

A deep ache throbs in Ana’s heart, and she doesn’t have the nerve to tell him that she cries almost every night now. That she spends more time watching and listening to a recording of her husband than talking to anyone else. Ana’s heartbreak remains the same as it was three months ago.

“I’ll be your go between just a little longer,” Rhodey says, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. “But you both need to speak to each other on your own. He still doesn’t know.”

“Oh.” Ana startles, feeling oddly hurt that Tony doesn’t know she’s pregnant. “Um…do you know why?”

He shrugs, standing up and adjusting the orthotic around his waist. “Pep thinks it should come from you personally.”

The third reason is the fact that while she shut her emotions off, Ana also deliberately shut off any help. She knows Natasha was hurt by it, knows she was pissed to hell, but her and Ana had a long two hours talk about everything. More apologizes from Ana included.

Ana decides it’s time to let people back in, because, as she swallows some bit of pride, she cannot do this alone. She finally calls Pepper, crying on the phone to her cousin because, fuck does she miss her husband, and this is the first time she’s truly allowing herself to feel every ounce of her pain and heartbreak and emotions. After a good hour of that, she goes back to her first reason; being appalled and angry at herself.

“I don’t have anything, Pepper!” Ana whines into the phone. “I’m not prepared. I don’t have a crib, I don’t have clothes, diapers! Wipes!? I don’t even have a damn blanket or pacifier! Oh my god, what if the baby gets sick and I don’t have that little nose sucker thing or a thermometer!? No little socks! This baby’s poor feet are going to freeze because it’s horrible, emotionless fuck of a mother couldn’t-“

“Whoa, hey! That’s enough, Ana!” Pepper scolds. “Take a breath, bug. You can’t work yourself up again like that. It’s going be okay.”

Pepper’s promise holds up. Within a day of their conversation, Pepper stops by with bags and boxes of baby supplies. Some are hand-me-downs, most everything else is new. Boxes of diapers, wipes, bibs, neutral blankets and little onesie’s. Pacifiers, nail clippers, a soft brush, a bathtub, socks, and beanies.

“Who’s Morgan?” Steve questions as he helps carrying in the last box. That he sets down in the living full of people, Morgan’s Baby Stuff written on the top.

Ana freezes with the veggie fruit smoothie Natasha made her, pressed to her lips. Her eyes shoot over to Pepper. Her cousin looks guilty for all of three seconds, before she sighs and shrugs.

“My two-year-old daughter,” She informs, likes it’s the most casual thing to drop that two-year secret. “Tony- both of us, decided to keep it a secret after your falling out.”

The shock of Tony Stark having a daughter ripples through the room.

“You all went your separate ways, most of you off the grid in hiding.” Pepper explains, hands on her hips. “If anyone is angry, then get over it. It was our decision to keep our privacy and family safe from public knowledge.”

“Oh, um, congratulations?” Steve offers awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck.

Ana snorts against her cup, nearly splashing her face with liquid veggies. Pepper mutters her gratitude, and that’s that. They continue to carry the gifts further into the room.

“I already knew,” Natasha confesses quietly to Ana, tilting her glass up to make sure she drinks. Of course she did. The infamous spy she is.

Ana glares at her as she takes over dramatic gulps as Nat, who’s hair is slowly turning red at the roots, rolls her eyes.

 It takes a few hours for Pepper to coax Ana to leave the compound and go to a store. Ana makes it halfway down the driveway to the car and stops. Her hearing has grown sensitive, and she knows why, however, she doesn’t hear much of anything.

The birds that used to sing in the trees and woods are silent. There’s zero scurrying feet over the dry leaves on the ground, and the feel of the air around her is…heavy. Broken and hurt. And here she is, about to shop for her child, for her and Bucky’s child.

Without him. Broken and hurt.

“I can’t do this,” She mutters, turning back to go inside.

Pepper doesn’t force her or convince her again. Instead, they pick and order a crib, highchair and anything else she needs.

As Ana rests, watching in a daze as Pepper folds little towels, she places one pile next to Ana. Shifting her eyes, she sees a onesie that says “Little Bean” with three coffee beans decorating the front. Pepper lays matching socks on top, oblivious to Ana’s reaction. She reaches for the tiny socks, the cloth soft in her hand.

“Annie Doll, come look!” Bucky shouts excitedly from the front door. “Ana!”

They had just gotten back from the hut, and she wants to shower the smells of hay and warm weather off. Ana sighs fondly, doubling back from the bathroom. She stops in the living room when she sees a gleeful Bucky holding up a package of six socks. Six, tiny baby socks.

“What in the world?” Ana laughs in bemusement. “Where did you get those? Oh, they’re so cute!”

“Shuri! Well, no-“ Bucky corrects himself as he comes closer. “She helped me navigate one of those baby store websites and I saw these so I ordered them!”

“Bucky, you know I’m only six weeks in right, babe? We have so much time to buy all the socks!” Though as she says it, her heart swells with warmth and love over Bucky’s excitement.

“Yeah…but look!” He nearly shoves the small things in her face. “Baby goats! They had goats on them and I just- what? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Ana can’t control her face, or her suddenly wet eyes. She just grabs her husband by the nape of his neck and kisses him firmly. She drags him to the couch, because she won’t make it back to their bedroom.

Remembering that day, Ana gets up too fast, pausing as a wave of dizziness hits her. She waits until it passes, then begins to frantically pull open drawers, searches through her closet, through boxes. She finds nothing as she throws clothes and drops objects to the floor.

“What are you looking for?” Pepper questions cautiously.

“I-I can’t find them.” Ana says with a shaky voice. “I need to find them. I have to find them.”

“Ana-“

“He bought them,” She mumbles, ignoring the tears falling down her cheeks as she rechecks the top drawer. “He bought them. He was so excited, and I can’t find them. I-I need them for Bucky. He bought them for the baby.”

A hand on her shoulder makes her turn and burry her face into Pepper’s chest. “I can’t find them!”

The socks Bucky bought aren’t in her room, which means. The six little pair of goat socks are somewhere in their home in Wakanda. It’s such a small thing, but it breaks Ana all over again. Feeling like her body is being ripped in two once more.

Reminds her that the black hole in her chest will never be whole again.

 27 Weeks:

Nothing gets easier. Ana almost shuts her emotions off again, a few times, until she ends up have a conversation with Nebula one night. It starts off with a game she said her, and Stark played while they were drifting off in space. She takes out a thick triangle, Ana immediately recognizing the little paper football.

Ana smiles sadly at the triangle, remembered when Tony played the same game with her as she recovered in the hospital after her brother had attacked her. The game moves on from light comments, to Ana teaching her simple card games. From there, is transpires deeper. Nebula brings up her suspicions of Ana’s nightmares and growing powers. Unknown as to why she does, Ana opens up to her.

“I thought it was because I was stress free in Wakanda. I was the happiest I’ve ever been.” She recalls somberly. “I was with the person I loved more than anything in my life I had Bucky.” Ana wipes the tears that escape her eyes. She takes a moment to gather herself as Nebula waits patiently.

“I had, have these rings that help regulate my energy. I haven’t been wearing them lately though, maybe that’s why? Or the growth of my hormones with the baby? Or-“

Her right hand slips slightly, her fingers grazing over the stone embedded in the last knuckle of the glove. She yelps, either from pain or the new surge of power coursing through her.

Ana blinks, the memory flashing through her mind. Reminding her.

I touched an Infinity Stone, doesn’t seem to be something Ana should confess just yet. However, Nebula was born on a different planet, and the daughter of that horrible titan. She may possibly know more about the stones than anyone else.

The first time Ana had been in close proximity to Nebula, she felt energy and emotions just as chaotic, and dark as Bucky’s had been; if not a little more. It had to be Nebula’s own moment of vulnerability, suffering so deeply from pain and lose and rage. Since then, she had been stoic enough for Ana to sit close to her, just to feel energy that wasn’t openly heavy. Maybe it’s why Ana decides to tell her.

“Nebula,” Ana begins quietly, urgently, hoping no one is overhearing. “If I tell you something, do you promise to keep it a secret? I’m trusting you here.”

Nebula isn’t one to express her thoughts or emotions, or anything for that matter on her face, but this clearly shocks her. Her dark eyes are wide as she sits back. Nodding once she leans back in, closer to listen to Ana.

“I, I think I touched one of the Infinity Stones,” She mutters, nervously rubbing her hands over her stomach. “I’m sure of it.”

A beat passes. “No Terran can touch a stone without damage. Or death,” Nebula states ominously. “It is not possible.” Though as she says it, her words drift off in thought.

“Don’t you know all about the stones? Does Rocket?” Ana can’t help but inquire.

She shakes her head, eyes looking oddly disappointed. “I only know one of their main functions. Some were simple, straightforward, like the Power Stone. Others were more complicated. My father was never one to spill the secrets of each stone he found.”

“Maybe that’s the one I touched? The Power Stone?” Ana foolishly asks with hope.

“Do you recall the color?”

“No,” She huffs, defeated. Abruptly she doubts herself. “I’m not even sure if it really happened anymore.”

Ana doesn’t elaborate, feeling rather silly for even mentioning it. Maybe she dreamt it. Maybe she was hit so hard it knocked her brain around a little. Maybe she was so emotionally distraught that she just fabricated it. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything.

“You have dreams?” Nebula questions, bringing Ana back.

“I have nightmares,” She corrects. “Always the same, like a strange world.”

“Your physical strength has grown since touching the stone.”

“Yeah,” Ana drawls out, wincing. “That’s…that’s not part of it, I think. Wait. You’ve noticed that? My-my strength?”

“I have. You could be a lethal warrior if you wanted.”

Internal panic tightens her chest. She hoped no one was going to notice; leaving bruises on Steve was one thing, possibly passable and could be forgotten. Even her newly sensitive hearing. But the cracks in objects that aren’t easily crackable? The broken hinge of the door to the roof when Ana pulled to hard? Those aren’t as easy to explain or hide.

“Is that another secret, Barnes? How powerful you have become?”

“Please,” She sags, abruptly feeling tired. “It’s not something I want to talk about yet.”

They don’t speak for a few minutes. Then Nebula makes a tiny smacking noise against the table. “I win.”

Ana looks down at the game of war they paused to talk. Nebula’s duel card is an Ace. Ana flips her over. It’s a Queen.

“I enjoyed that,” Nebula states coolly, gathering the cards messily. “I am going to beat Rhodes now.”

Ana is left laughing softly in the living room. Her panic slowly dying down.

28 weeks:

Entering her seventh month of carrying a human being inside her has really taken affect on Ana. Her hair has gotten much longer, thicker than it was. It’s probably the only thing Ana likes. The heartburn, light sciatic pain, and lower back pain and peeing every five minutes she could all do without. Thankfully, Ana’s vitals and the baby’s have been good enough for Dr. Hammond, who once again stresses the support group for expecting widowed mothers.

Finally relenting, Ana agrees, but with a blush on her face asks Natasha to go with her. The drive isn’t too far, and it’s the first time she has left the compound since Wakanda. There’s a significantly less amount of cars on the road, barely any traffic for a Friday at 5:30pm. The lack of birds and planes flying through the sky. The absence of bikers and runners.

Clenching her hands into fits, Ana rolls her shoulders back, taking a deep breath. Her skin prickles with new energy, new emotions, especially when Natasha stops at a red light. Ana meets the eyes of the person sitting next to them; a middle aged man with vacant eyes. The light turns green and as he drives away, there’s a sticker family on the back of his car; a wife and five kids.

The radio turns to static, then shuts off. Biting her lips, Ana tries not to think of every single person who lost their families, friends, children, the love of their lives. The confusion, the horror, the guilt people must have felt, still feel. Ana’s breathing begins to rapidly pick up, and that same clenching pressure makes itself known in her lower stomach.

“Nat,” She grits out, closing her eyes in an attempt to calm herself.

“Are you going into labor in my car?” Natasha deadpans, a hint of humor behind the flat of her voice.

“No,” Ana huffs a strained chuckle. “But I can’t do this. I thought I could. But my energy…”

“Figured with the radio, just don’t shut car down either. I’m turning around right now, don’t worry. Just count your breathing. Slow inhales and exhales. Touch around you if you need too. You’re alright Ana”

How ironic, Ana thinks vaguely as she follows those instructions, for someone titled an Empathetic Healer to have her own anxiety attacks. To have someone who used to come to her, be the one coaching Ana.

Fuck, she misses Bucky with every aching molecule.

Bucky was so good, so attuned to her, that he was always able to calm her down instantly. All he had to do was gently brush his metal fingers against her hand, or cheek. All he had to do was give her a tight squeeze with his right hand, or press his forehead to hers and silently breath with her until Ana had followed his calming pattern. Or press her hand to his chest like she had done since the beginning. Coo gentle, loving words to her. Even now, she hears that phantom call of her voice.

“Have you picked a name yet?” Nat’s gentle voice provides a slight distraction.

She takes her time to answer. “Not-not really. We considered a few, but it was still too early.”

She hums. “I assume Bucky was excited?”

Remembering how Bucky ran out of the room and spun her after the positive result, Ana smiles to herself. The undeniable glee that lit up his entire beautiful face, his eyes the bluest she had ever seen then, shinning with tears. The kisses her placed on every inch of her body that night, taking his time to set every one of her nerves on fire. Brought her to the highest of highs, just to bring her crashing down into him, safe, happy and loved.

Ana isn’t aware she’s silently crying until the tears drip off her jaw and land on her stomach. Soaks into the fibers of another one of Bucky’s shirt, because when she wears them, it’s like carrying him with her wherever she goes. Ana wipes her tears with trembling fingers.

“Yes,” She answers belatedly. Despite the shuddering breath she takes, she feels like she can breathe better. “Ecstatic.”

“Did you know that little shit Rocket, stole my egg rolls and ate all four of them!” Natasha abruptly informs her. “Nearly threw hands with a raccoon.”

The sudden change from her vicious threatening voice to her pitiful grumble and the story itself, has Ana breaking out in laughter. It’s a liberating feeling, getting to laugh as brusquely as she did. Lessens the tightness in her chest a little more. She laughs for two minutes straight, Nat joining along with her.

“Thank you, Nat.” Ana whispers after they’ve calmed down.

“I swear if another apology follows that, I will punch a pregnant woman in the arm.” Though as she threatens this, Ana can see the coy smirk on her mouth.

Instead, Natasha reaches over, squeezing her hand. She tries not to feel all of Natasha’s anguish, but the little she does get, reminds her that she’s not alone in this aftermath. Ana returns the gesture with a harder grip.

“Now, fix the damn radio, would you?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

*

The next two nights pulls Ana straight to sleep after she gets comfortable on her left side. She’s so tired the past 48 hours, that her mind finally shuts off, and she has dreamless nights. It doesn’t stop her waking up feeling guilty, like she missed the dreams on purpose; it brings the same agonizing ache as always.

It also never stops from calling out to her while she’s conscious. As if her soul is angry that she missed that dream world for two days. Something happens following lunch three days later, while everyone is gathered around the kitchen island.

Annie.

The soft whisper is like a trance caressing her body, a lovers call inside her mind, beckoning her back. Back to sleep, because she knows, without a doubt, she will end up in that world. The strange orange world, where the sky looks like the burning afterglow of raging fires. The odd world with wetless water, an unknown little girl, an ominous door.

There, in that place of illusion, does she hear his voice loud and clear. Calls her by her name, lifts his hand to gently fit his palm along the curve of her cheek. He’s there, always with that sad little smile. His eyes so incredibly blue, so tender, yearning as if he misses her.

In that world, is Bucky.

In that world, Ana can steal just a few moments feeling Bucky. Against her skin, in the air. His breath in her lungs, his beating heart in the empty cavity of her chest. For just five short seconds, begging for time to stretch, pleading for time to freeze, Ana has Bucky in her soul.

Annie.

Her sharp inhale brings her out of her own daze, dropping her face in her hands. She shakes her head, resisting the urge to just take a nap, allow herself to fall into that water once more. Sometimes, she wishes she could just sleep and not wake, to stay forever with Bucky in that world. Then maybe, maybe she could save him.

“Bucky,” Ana barely murmurs under her breath. Tears stinging behind her eyelids. “Bucky. I miss you. I miss you.”

She leans forward, until she rests her head on a solid surface, face now hidden in the crook of her arm. She right hand grips the edge, fingers clenching as she hears his voice in her head again. Her soul cries out for its missing half.

“Ana? Everything okay?”

She makes a noise, can’t tell if it’s a confirmation or not. Her chest feels like it’s tightening. The baby jabs a sharp kick, or a punch, aimed right at her ribs. It’s enough to jolt her back to reality, and she slowly pushes herself up straight. She meets the concerned gazes of six other people.

The lights of the compound are flickering again, the air heavy with dampening energy. Nebula is the closest to her, and carefully reaches over to uncurl Ana’s fingers from the death grip on the counter. Bits of granite and dust sprinkle to the floor, Nebula leans over the cracked spot. Ana gives her a curious look, then quickly meets the gaze of everyone else. She makes eye contact with both Steve and Natasha, keen green and blue eyes not fooled by the cover up.

“Are you feeling alright?” Carol questions, stepping closer. “Your energy levels seem to be spiking.”

“Y-yeah! Yes! I’m fine!” Ana quickly reassures. She inhales and exhales deeply, and the lights steady. “Uh…the baby. Yeah, the baby was just moving around a lot is all. I’m fine, feel fine. Honest.”

Natasha sighs, suddenly looking tired and leaning her hands on the counter. She shakes her head, then her and Steve share a look. A silent conversation. Steve nods once.

“Ana, I think it’s time to talk about something you’ve been trying to hide,” Natasha speaks calmly.

“I’m not hiding anything,” Ana denies. She’s usually better at lying than this. “I told you, pregnancy has thrown my energy off a little, that’s all.”

“Cut the bullshit, Ana!” Steve snaps coldly, eyes flashing.

Ana blinks in shock. Steve angry is…a little frightening. He doesn’t stand to be lied to. “Steve-“

“You have been getting stronger?” It’s a question but it sounds more like observation.

“I’ve gained my strength back now that I’ve been eating more-“

“Not what I am talking about.”

“You have to know, Ana,” Natasha urges, brows pinched together.

She stares at them for a second, then she gets up as quickly and carefully as she can. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

Ana walks out of the kitchen, heading towards her room as fast as she can waddle. Her heart is pounding faster, her own panic about the developing situation coming to the surface. Of course, Ana has noticed herself getting stronger the further she gets into pregnancy. It’s not like the thought has never crossed her mind. She had just been too busy shutting her emotions off and trying to figure out that dream world and trying not to suffocate on ashes and heartbreak.

Of course, she’s noticed the dented fingers marks on wooden and metal surfaces, of the spidering cracks in the toilet bowl, the ripping of several maternity sweatpants as she tugged them up over her stomach. Of the broken pieces of plastic cups and one of the bottles of the elixir. Of course, she knew the bruises she left on a damn super soldier were from her.

Speaking of.

Steve follows her down the hallway, catching up rather quickly. “Ana! Ana, please. Look, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to snap at you, but you have to know. Maybe just get it checked out by Dr. Hammond, or another doctor, run some tests. I’m just worried how this could affect you and the baby.”

Ana halts when she’s in front of her door, rounding on Steve. “No! This doesn’t concern you, Steve!”

“I’m just looking out for your wellbeing!”

She grabs the handle of her door with frustration. “I don’t know why you suddenly seem to have an obligation to me, but-“

Ana stops talking the moment she forcefully pushes the door handle. She didn’t account for how much strength she used as she shoved. She stumbles forward, her arm going straight through the hole, holding the doorknob. It’s splintered with jagged edges from the broken wood. She stares wide-eyed at the shape of the hole, strangely looking like the broken piece would fit back in perfectly like a puzzle.

This is new. Ana slowly moves her gaze to Steve; who gawks at her. Shit.

Awkwardly, she gently tries replacing the section of wood she pushed off. It sticks, not fitting quite right, but she’ll just pretend it did happen, like everything else she had broken.

“Holy fuck,” Steve whispers, stunned.

Deciding to remain silent, considering there’s no way around it, Ana just watches Steve. She can see him mentally gathering the pieces in his head. She only makes it to the count of four as he figures it out.

“I fucking knew it. It is enhancing you.”

“Steve. Please don’t,” Ana pleads, her anxiety making her nerves burn.

“The serum transferred to you. Which means it transferred to-“

“No, no it didn’t!” She desperately disputes. “This is just a weird fluke thing. You know, Nebula accidentally pulled off an entire door last week.”

Steve shakes his head, eyes flashing with concern as he looks her over. “We need to take you to a doctor. Dr. Cho maybe, run tests to confirm it.”

White hot panic surges up her spine. Ana frantically shakes her head. This is exactly why she didn’t want anyone to know, why she didn’t give it much thought. Why she hid it. Drawing blood, conducting tests, being studied; all for the slight chance of her baby possibly having the super soldier serum in its genetic code.

“Absolutely not!” Ana states fervidly, fear rising up in her.

He frowns, expression serious. “Ana, this could be-“

“I know what it could be, Steve!” She yells. “I know exactly what this means!”

Ana places her hands protectively over her stomach. “It’s the serum! It was in Bu- in Bucky’s genetic code. In his DNA. Which means it’s more than likely is in the baby’s genetics! My baby is going to be enhanced, there’s no way it’s not. Bucky is a...was-“

She breaks off, voice shaky, her body trembling. She swallows thickly, knowing she must finally face the truth. She feels movement under her hands, as if the baby is confirming what she’s known since the beginning. All her senses becoming sharper; hearing more sensitive, eyesight slightly better.

“Bucky was enhanced,” Ana continues, voice as panicked as before.  “I’m-I’m enhanced. I don’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want anyone to know. I can’t! If doctors or scientists found out, if anyone finds out that this is the child of the Winter Soldier and an Energy Alchemist!? Who the hell knows what exactly they would want to do with our baby!”

“Ana,” Steve looks torn, “We can keep it a secret. Find a trustworthy-“

“Fuck trustworthy, Steve!” She shouts, slicing her hand through the air. “No one is trustworthy! They’re still out there! Hydra, AIM, other organizations and groups just like them!”

“Hey, hey-“ He attempts to interrupt, to calm her down. It doesn’t work.

“Captain Rogers,” FRIDAY’s voice speaks up over them in warning.”

“I know!” He says to the AI.

Ana barely hears their exchange. Her breath begins to shorten, chest tightening. “Thanos didn’t fucking correct the universe like his fucked up brain thought! It didn’t snap away the evil people of the world. It made it easier for them! Hydra- Eric Woods kidnapped us just three year ago! If they knew. They’re still out there. If they find out-“

“That is not going to happen!” Steve promises vehemently, stepping closer.

“They- they can’t! Can’t find out. This is all I have left,” Ana begins to hyperventilate, cradling her stomach. “This is all I have left. This is all I have left.”

“Hey, honey, I’m sorry. Deep breathes, Ana,” Steve coaxes gently. “I’m sorry. It won’t happen.”

Ana is barely aware of her skin beginning to glow brighter. The walls started to tremble, the floor shakes. She feels a chaotic and static energy in the air. There’s a sharp tightening in her chest again and she needs…she needs her husband.

But Bucky isn’t here. Ana is not dreaming; she doesn’t see him. She doesn’t hear the faint haunting murmurs of her name. He’s not gently touching her cheek, gazing at her with those loving blue eyes. She doesn’t feel Bucky and that’s one of the worst things that has been carved out of her soul.

“Okay, okay, no doctors, Ana. I swear it,” Steve says carefully. “Just try breathe, Ana.”

Slowly, he reaches out to her. As if to comfort her, support her, remind her that she is not alone in this. When Steve’s fingers are inches from her skin, she can feel her powers reacting viciously. Ana takes a step back.

“I-I can’t!” She pants heavily. “It feels like. I wake up. Ashes. Dust. It’s- I wake up from ashes and it’s everywhere! Its-It’s in my lungs. My throat. It feels like I’m suffocating! I wake up and I’m suffocating.”

If she was aware enough, Ana could read his expression as broken, maybe a little helpless. Instead, Steve finally touches her. He doesn’t even get his fingers wrapped around her wrist, before he is abruptly, and harshly ricocheted backward.

His body is thrown halfway down the hall, slamming against the end of the wall. He hits it so hard, plaster and cement crack and rain pieces down on his limp form. Ana smacks her hand over her mouth. Light bulbs shatter, the air sizzles hotly, and she covers her head with her arm as bits of glass fall from the lights.

Despite the sight and groaning from Steve, Ana can’t seem to get a handle on her power, her energy, her emotions. It’s what lead to her outburst of power weeks prior. She isn’t wearing the rings Shuri gave her, has no other way of regulating herself. Quickly, she presses her hands to her chest, trying to regain her breathing, to focus, to control her emotions, her powers. Maybe she should turn off her emotions again. It’s better, safer for everyone, and herself.

Something grips her left shoulder, vice and grounding. Abruptly, Ana’s powers halt, then begins to settle. She gasps at the sudden feeling, but she doesn’t push it away, instead she grabs the hand on her shoulder and squeezes.

“I’m right here,” A soothing reminder. Carol’s voice. “You’re okay, you’re alright. I’m here.”

It’s the same feeling Ana had experience before with Carol’s own powers. As if they call out to her, like it wants to comfort her. Remind her that she really isn’t alone; not with this.

Her eyes sting as Ana tightly shuts them. Inhaling slowly, deeply, she nods. Her knees feel weak, her skin hot as she comes down, everything falling silent and settling around her. A sharp jab to the side of her stomach makes her wince; the baby protesting the rise and fall of the energy.

Ana snaps her eyes open, releasing Carol as she takes a shaky step forward. She feels the hands behind her hovering by her arms, a precaution in case she stumbles. Steve is taking his time getting up. A wave of guilt mixed with nausea curls through her.

“S-Steve?” Ana calls out with a trembling voice.

He attempts to push himself up, but his hand slips, and he presses his forehead to the debris covered floor. Ana moves closer. She doesn’t quite understand what happened. Her energy shouldn’t have knocked him back like that without the protective shield. In fact, twice it’s accepted Steve. Once in Wakanda, right after half of everyone vanished, and when he recklessly held her just weeks ago.

When she reaches him, now with Carol’s supporting hands on her arm, she carefully kneels placing a shaky hand on his back. Steve’s panting slightly, groaning low in his throat as he finally gets himself up on all fours. He tilts sideways, sitting back and slumping against the wall.

“Are you- did I hurt you?”

When Steve looks up to meet Ana’s gaze, her heart clenches. The emotion storming in his blue eyes roots her to the spot. His eyes are red, wet, tracks of tears staining his cheeks. The utter guilt, shame, and pain shinning in them renders Ana speechless.

“I’m sorry,” Steve croaks. Ana shakes her head, perplexed. “I’m so sorry, Ana.”

“No, I-“

“This isn’t on you,” He cuts her off, wincing as he straightens himself. “I failed you.”

Lifting his hand, he lays it gingerly on her shoulder. “I promise-I swear on my life. I will keep you and your baby safe. I…I couldn’t keep Bucky...I couldn’t bring him back to you. I broke that promise to you. I won’t break this one.”

Ana feels her face screw up with emotion. “Okay,” She exhales thickly, tears spilling from her eyes. “Okay.”

She drops her forehead to his shoulder, her own shaking as she cries. Through her tears, she listens closely, trying to decipher Steve’s breathing. His heart is slowly settling back to his version of a normal rate, and his breaths even out, no sign of broken ribs.

“Feeling alright?” Steve checks in a few minutes of them sitting there crying.

Sniffling, she wipes her nose on her sleeve and leans back. “Are you?”

“Just bruises, I think. Feeling exhausted, but I’m okay. Didn’t beat me up too bad. I’m actually a little proud.”

It makes Ana chuckle wetly, wiping more tears away.

“You guys okay?” Carol questions behind her. Ana hears the concern hidden in the coolness of her tone. “Didn’t rattle your brain too much, did she Rogers?”

“Nah, I can do this-“

“Yeah, yeah,” Ana cuts him off with a wave of her hand. “He’s got this annoyingly admiring habit of never staying down.”

A smile lights up Carol’s face as she extends a hand out for her. Ana takes it, allowing her new friend to lift her with her majority of her strength. When she looks behind Carol, Natasha is standing right there. There’s no anger or disappointment in her eyes, she just offers her a tiny smile then goes to help Steve up, brushing off rubble from his shirt.

“I,” Ana hesitates, soothing her hands over her belly as the baby wiggles around. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t had tried hiding this from either of you.” She addresses Natasha as well.

She carefully wraps her arms around Ana. “We shouldn’t have pushed. You know we love you. We’ve been nothing but worried about you. And this little one.” Natasha lends down to gently rub Ana’s belly. “Huh? Just being a strong little super soldier in there, aren’t you?”

The baby responds by kicking again. Ana sighs, the sensation it a little weird to her. She can’t help but crack a smile, despite hurting Steve.

“I’m not lying when I say I’m scared.” Ana tells them. She looks at Steve. “But, if you think it’s best I go see-“

“No,” He interrupts her. “How could I ever think I had the right to tell you what to do, to make a decision for you and your baby. It’s your choice, Ana. If you don’t want too, don’t. I’m sorry I pressured you. You have all the right not to trust anyone.”

“I trust you, you know, that right? I trust all of you here. I just don’t want anyone else to know.”

“Yeah, I know,” Steve breathes heavily, and carefully wraps his arm around her.

Ana leans into him, exhausted and suddenly livid at herself for pushing him away for months. Angry that she pushed away people whom she considers family and ignoring their own pain in the process.

“I’m sorry if I’m still a little off,” Ana apologizes shyly. “Having to deal with my emotions again, feeling so much around me. It’s overwhelming.”

“Hey, don’t worry about any of it. We understood, and we still do.” Natasha says. “By the way, a very annoyed AI alerted me of your spiking vitals. I always found it a little creepy how emotional Tony makes his artificial intelligence. Just take it easy the rest of the night, yeah?”

Ana nods as Carol beckons for them to get out of the hallway. She helps them both along, guiding Ana carefully over shattered glass.

**

Hours later, after the hallway has been cleaned up, both Ana’s and the baby’s vitals checked thoroughly by FRIDAY and a call from Dr. Hammond, Steve finally knocks on Ana’s door. He figures it time to honestly talk to her, lay out his own fears. To truly apologize to her.

“Are you concussed?” Ana asks flatly. She’s propped up against her pillows, with two beneath her knees.

Steve smiles despite himself, making yet another connection between her and when Bucky was a teenager yanking him out of back alley fights. Closing the newly fixed door behind him, he comes to sit on the edge of the bed. He notices in her hands, one of the many journals belonging to Bucky, opened as her fingers trace the written words, like she’s tattooing them on her skin.

“Hard head, remember?” He quips, getting comfortable in his position.

Ana snorts and kicks at his propped up knee. Inhaling to calm his nerves, Steve decides it just best to get right to it, staring straight at those big brown eyes.

Ones that have always seen right through people. Ones that have hardened and burned cold the past several months. He swallows thickly. Her gaze pins him to his spot. The only person to ever make him feel like he’s being picked apart down to his soul has been Natasha, but Ana is a very close second. But then she blinks, the cold lessening as confusion settles in.

“You’re nervous. I can feel it.”

“Everything is my fault,” Steve confesses in a rush, keeping eye contact even though he wants to sink into the earth.

“What are you talking about?”

“There’s been uh, a few things I’ve been too afraid to tell you. To talk to you about.” He rubs his sweaty hands on his jeans. “You said you didn’t know why I have an obligation to care take of you. Well, I made a promise to you in Wakanda, remember. I also made one to Bucky.”

 Ana’s frown deepens but she remains silent, waiting for him to elaborate.

Wakanda, fifteen minutes before the battle of Thanos:

Steve had to tear his eyes away from Bucky and Ana’s goodbye, not from discomfort, but if he continued to watch he would have told Bucky to stay with her. He should have told Bucky to just stay with her, for them to protect each other, to help protect Shuri as she works on Vision.

He should tell Bucky now, to just go back where he belongs, right next to his wife. Steve watches Bucky with a keen eye as they ride towards the field; the wind blowing his long hair back from his face. Steve’s known Bucky his entire life. He knows every little sign of distress, anger, no matter how hard Bucky always tried to hide it from him. Only one other person knows Bucky just as much as Steve does- probably knows him even better by this point.

Bucky didn’t want to leave Ana; anyone could see that. Now, as Steve watches Bucky’s new vibranium hand fiddle with a loose thread on his pants, he knows it’s taking everything in his friend to stay on the hovercraft. Bucky’s hips keep shifting his weight side to side. His chest is rising is slow calculating movements, his jaw is clenching, he slowly closes his eyes. Steve swallows thickly. They should have never asked Bucky to join one more fight. He makes up his mind.

“Buck-“

“Steve,” Bucky interrupts what he was about to say. He opens his eyes, stares straight ahead. “If anything happens to me-“

“Don’t fucking talk like that.” Steve reprimands firmly, dread curling in his stomach.

Bucky meets his gaze, serious and, fearful. “We can’t kid ourselves here, pal. If- if anything happens to me-“ He swallows with his brows pinched together. “Can you…can you take care of her?”

“Bucky-“

“I need you to take care of Ana for me. Please. I need to know they will- she. I need to know she’ll be taken care of. Please Steve.”

The begging desperation in Bucky’s eyes nearly breaks his heart. For once, Steve bites back his disagreement and nods. “Of course, I’ll take care of her, Buck.”

A sudden heavy boot presses down atop of Steve’s foot. “Thank you.”

His whisper of gratitude is nearly lost in the sounds of them landing at their destination. They file off the aircraft, but Steve can’t stomach it anymore. He quickly turns to Bucky, who double checks the knives at his thigh holster, and grabs his gun from the crate.

“Go back, Buck. I mean it. Just go back to Ana.” Steve orders. He can hear how frantic he sounds. “You should be together.”

A bitter smile flashes across Bucky’s mouth. “With you til’ the end of line, Stevie.” He lifts his gaze from his gun, that same old mischief back in his eyes. “Plus, Ana’s safest where she is right now. It’s your dumb ass I gotta protect. Like always.”

From his right, Steve hears Natasha snort in humor. He shoots her a glare then shoves Bucky ahead of him, and just like that, they’re leading the march onto the battlefield. It feels way too reminiscent of their time in the Howling Commandos, marching into battle.

*

Silence follows as Steve finishes telling Ana that bit of information. Watches as she slowly smooths her hands over of her stomach, having put the journal aside. Her left hand pauses for a second, gently tapping her fingers over the spot, presses down, and continues on. Her wedding rings reflect like glitter off the lights as she moves. Steve frowns, curious. She’s been doing that a lot lately and he wonders how often the baby kicks, if it feels the same restlessness as its mother.

“Well, it was a pretty dumbass move when you went after Thanos with your bare fucking hands.” Ana says.

Steve makes a protesting noise. “Didn’t you do that same thing?”

“We’re talking about you here, not me. Plus, I had the shield activated.”

The little humor he hears in her voice makes Steve smiles just a little. At least some of her old self seems to be shining through the broken cracks.

“Of course, Bucky would ask you take care of me,” She whispers solemnly.

“Haven’t kept that promise to him though,” Steve mumbles. “He said “they” at the time, and I didn’t put it together until you told me. But I’ve been doing a shit job, to be honest.”

“To be honest,” Ana repeats his words with firmer tone. “That’s completely on me. I haven’t made this easy for anyone. I am so incredibly sorry again.”

Steve reaches out to grab her hand, giving her fingers a firm squeeze. “No one blames you for what you did. We understand, but your, what is it now? A hundredth apology is accepted.”

Ana offers him a small smile. It falls a second later. “Why do you think it’s all your fault?”

“Because I broke my promise to bring Bucky back to you. I broke my promise to both of you.” Steve lowers his gaze, taking his hand from hers. “If I just. Fuck. If I just defeated him, if I just had killed Thanos with every chance I got, then none of this would have happened. I would have brought Bucky back safe and sound and you wouldn’t be going through this alone. Vision would still be alive. Wanda wouldn’t have had to endure all that pain. Fuck, she was still so young. And Sam-“

Steve hears his voice crack and he pinches the bridge of his nose, trying desperately to hold back his tears. He didn’t come here to have a sob fest on her bed. A soft warm touch rests over his other hand, a gentle trickle beginning to ease his emotions.

“Steve,” Ana speaks so softly.

He slowly pulls his hand from her touch. Finally looking up, he shakes his head. “I don’t need you to do that. You don’t need to change use your ability for me. Don’t exert yourself.”

“But you feel so sad,” She tells him. Steve nods in a mute confession. “You haven’t spoken to anyone about this have you?”

He shakes his head again.

“Then talk to me if you won’t allow me to help you.”

He huffs his exhales, giving her a look. “Have you talked to anyone about how you feel?” Steve challenges, not unkindly.

“No, but what do you think this? Just get it all out. Talk to me.”

This was not what he came here for. He just wanted to wallow in his own self-deprecating pity. To confess to Ana that he had failed her, he failed the universe. The crushing weight of that brings him down in a pit of darkness each night, drowns him in his own horrible nightmares. Watches helplessly as all his friends fall to the ground in piles of ash.

Steve came to Ana, with some oddly placed masochism and a small bit of hope that she would lash out at him again because he deserves it. He deserves her avoiding his eyes. Deserves to nearly have his own life drained from his body, to have her powers injure him as he’s thrown against solid concrete. To have any ounce of her hate, anger, placed all on him.

But the way Ana sits patiently, kindly and not shouting cruses or damnation to him. The way she just tried calming him, helping him, is exactly who is she. Despite the months of shutting off her own emotions. A small piece of herself is still there, if broken and haunted, but there.

It causes Steve to finally break.

“I’m angry!” He spits out, clutching at the sheets. “I am so fucking angry at myself! I could have made Bucky stay with you. I could have saved him.” Steve releases a bitter laugh. “I guess that’s my track record though isn’t it? I could never save Bucky. Not from that damn train, not from fucking Hydra, not from Zemo’s revenge, not from being stolen away from you.

“You know, I thought when I was first got the serum, that I would finally be able to protect the people I love most, to protect my family. What a load of bullshit! I still lost him. I had to watch him die, again. You had to watch Bucky die and I still couldn’t protect him. I couldn’t protect you from losing him. I couldn’t protect my family, my friends, the goddamn world! I couldn’t save anyone from Thanos.”

Tears are freely falling down Steve’s cheeks, tracing into his lips and soaking into his jeans. He licks the saltiness from his lips, taking in a trembling breath. He sniffs hard, shaking his head again.

“I failed. I failed everyone. I failed Tony-“

“Steve-“ Ana attempts to dispute his statement, but he doesn’t allow her.

He continues without giving her an ounce of room to speak. “I did. I betrayed him. He’s right, maybe if we fought together, we could have defeated Thanos. That’s on me. I failed. And I failed Bucky again, time and time again and because of it. I failed you too.”

“That night, when you broke down, I felt every single emotion you had. All your anguish, your loneliness, your pain, your heartbreak. You felt empty. It was crippling, suffocating. That’s not something you should have to deal with or feel by yourself, Ana. None of this is your fault. You didn’t fail. Just put it all on me instead. I deserve that.”

 “Hey, stop!”

Steve abruptly scoots forward and quickly grabs her right hand, pressing his solidly against his chest. He ignores her startled, somewhat fearful look. He feels an electric spark shock his chest as her skin glows for a fleeting moment. It fades when she clearly doesn’t feel threatened anymore. If Ana had blasted him back again, he would have welcomed it.

“You shut off your emotions, Ana. There’s a part of me that wonders if it made it easier to shut me out too. Do you hate me because I failed you? Because I failed the entire universe? I’m fucking Captain America, who let the world turn to dust. I want you to hate me, Ana. I want you to lash out at me.”

Ana yanks her hand back, then promptly slaps him across the face.

Steve blinks twice, stunned. His cheek stings and he tastes copper on his tongue for biting the inside of his cheek. His head clears a little, and he thinks yeah, he probably deserved that. When he gathers himself to meet her gaze, there’s fury in her eyes. Something he hasn’t seen in Ana for so long.

“I nearly killed you, Steve!” She hisses at him, shaking out her hand once. “I wasn’t trying to share my pain with anyone else. You just happened to be there, and I almost stole your life energy. You’re the only self-sacrificing idiot that runs headfirst to hold onto to a Life Drainer. How the fuck is that making good on your promise to Bucky to take care of me, if you aren’t even alive!?”

Guilt floods through his veins as Steve realizes she’s right, and he got way into his head just then. Didn’t articulate properly what he was trying to say. He drops his head in shame as she continues to talk.

“I’m sorry I slapped you,” She apologies, but her voice still has a hint of aggravation. “But goddamnit, Rogers. You punishing yourself for thinking you’re the only one who failed? For breaking promises? You aren’t the only one who thinks they failed people, Steven. As for your promise.”

Steve lifts his head, tentatively meeting her gaze. Her eyes are watery, tears brimming along her lower eyelids. She’s stroking her arms over her stomach again, one after the other, blowing out a shaky breath as her tears fall over. Steve feels even worse, having made her distressed yet again.

“I didn’t make it easy for anyone, especially you. I wasn’t thinking of the repercussions of what shutting of my emotions would do. I couldn’t handle it, Steve. I couldn’t handle it at all and I felt like if I didn’t do something about it, then-“ Ana breaks off, shrugging. She hastily wipes her tears away. “I am so, so deeply and incredibly sorry. I should have never-“

Steve carefully takes hold of her wrist. “Hey, no honey, none of that anymore. You needed to protect yourself and your baby first. I understand why you did. I just didn’t know how to help you, and I still don’t. I didn’t mean to stress you out more. I shouldn’t have said what I did, ask you to do something you would never do in the first place.”

“Captain Rogers,” FRIDAY interrupts their conversation abruptly. The AI doesn’t sound happy with him. “I suggest you leave Mrs. Barnes alone for the rest of the night. Her vitals hint at distress that I’m afraid you have caused. Twice now.”

Shit. He definitely did not come here with those intentions, and Steve can’t seem to stop fucking up tonight.

“No, FRIDAY, it’s fine!” Ana quickly reassures her. “I’ll do my breathing exercises. I feel fine.”

There’s a pause. “As you wish, Mrs. Barnes. You have four vials left of the elixir if you decided to drink one now, it wouldn’t hurt to do so as you didn’t take one three hours prior. However, Captain, if you continue to upset her or her baby, I will activate the electric security protocol.”

Steve glares at Ana as she snorts her laughter behind her fist as she takes out a bottle. “I understand.” He tells the AI. “I assume Pepper added that last part?”

“I’m not at liberty to say.” Another Pause. “It was not Pepper.”

FRIDAY goes silent as Ana downs the elixir with wide shocked eyes. Steve shoves his hand through his hair, blowing out a sigh. He stays quiet as he watches Ana calm herself down with the breathing exercises. He waits about five minutes until she finally opens her eyes and flashes him a small smile. He can hear the steady, relaxed beats of each heart rate and relaxes himself.

“This is definitely hypocritical for me to say,” Ana begins, wincing as she touches her stomach. “But you can’t keep that all locked inside. Exhibit A.” She gestures to herself.

“I know,” He huffs out heavily. “Nat and I talked sometimes, drank mostly, but we didn’t talk it about enough. I just, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know how to help you or anyone else for that matter.”

“But you are you helping yourself?”

“You’re right, you are being a little hypocritical, Barnes.”

In a rare sight of true Ana fashion, she flicks him off, then shrugs. “I’m trying to now. For the sake of this little bean.”

Sorrow weighs heavily in his bones. “You know if I could bring him back. If I had an ounce of an idea to do so-“

“I know, I know. I do.” She sighs tiredly, leaning further back, her eyes suddenly exhausted. “It’s going to take a long time to process this. For everyone. And yeah. I miss him so fucking much, Steve, it hurts to even breathe. But, I don’t think you failed me. I don’t think anyone thinks you failed them.”

Steve wants to believe her so much, but he’s always going to feel his guilt for failing her and Bucky specifically. “I still think I did.” He mutters bitterly.

“Yeah well,” Ana sniffs, wiping her sleeve over her eyes and nose. “As Rocket as said, there’s a lot of that going around, huh? I think we’re all just wallowing in our own personal feelings of self-failure.”

Steve suddenly thinks of Thor, and how he took off in the middle of the night, now word or warning. His heart aches. “I guess so. Little guy seems to have taken a liking to you though. Not as many sarcastic comments.”

Smiling as if she’s proud, she says, “It’s only because I let him clean Bucky’s gun.”

He doubts that. Secretly he thinks Ana may remind Rocket of someone he lost. “Listen. It’s getting late and I stressed you out enough with my emotional turmoil. I’ll let you get some sleep.”

“I literally threw you into a wall earlier, then bitch slapped you, so, we’re even.” She tells him as Steve helps her shimming around, adjusting pillows and pulling the covers down.

“Deal.” He agrees with a small chuckle. He rubs the top of her head, slightly musing up her hair. She glares at him. “Are you sure you’re feeling alright? You and the baby? I’m sorry about-“

“So many apologizes. Yes, I swear. We feel good. Just tired, is all.” Ana insists.

Steve nods, makes sure she’s as comfortable as can be before he makes his way to leave. Ana calling his name one more time turns him around. She looks inches away from sleep, her stomach supported by one of the thicker pillows, and she has what he knows to be Bucky’s pillow clutched to her chest.

“Thank you.” Ana murmurs.

“For what?” He questions, confused.

“For still looking after me. For being there.”

She doesn’t explain further as her eyes flutter shut. Steve however, as he gives her a smile she can’t see, knows exactly what Ana is thanking him for. His talk may not have gone the way he planned, and he still feels like there much more to converse, but Steve thinks they made some progress. He leans back against the door for a few moments, head tilted back as he stares up at the ceiling and the broken light bulbs.

“I’ll keep my promise to you, Buck.” Steve says quietly to the ceiling.

Once more, he recalls Bucky’s little slip up. “Please. I need to know they will-she.”

Bucky was asking Steve to take care of Ana, and their child.

“I swear, pal. They will both be taken care of.”

****************************************************************

A/N: This was a monster to write. Thank you for sticking with me. This story is definitely going to pick up pace in the next chapter and on. Please stay healthy and safe and inside. Don’t forget to wash your hands, especially after coughing or sneezing and stop hoarding the toilet paper!

Drabbles: Twenty-Two     Drabbles: Twenty-Four

Tags:  @thecreatiivecorner​​ @buckyland​​ @stressedasalways​​ @watchoutforfrostbite​​ @justreadingfics​​ @keldachick​​ @eurynome827​​ @elatedmarvel​​ @shesalatesh​​ @paintedgreywriting​​ @boney-and-skinny​​ @buckaroo-blue​ @afewmarvelousthoughts​ @crushedbyhyperbole​ @shesalatesh​

[boogiewrites]

Mae Flowers Chapter 5

Characters: Alfie Solomons x Mae LeBlanc (OFC)

Summary: A modern, magical Alfie Solomons AU.

Warnings/Tags: Language.Magic/Supernatural. Soul mates.Some domestic fluff, getting to know you stage. Talk of the unknown. 

Click on my screenname then go to Mobile Masterlist in my bio for my other works and chapters. (Had to do this since Tumblr killed links, sorry.)

When she woke to a warm spring morning, Mae was thankful she didn’t have puffy eyes or a headache from crying the night before. She’d sobbed hard, sadness surging from an uncontrolled well of emotion that had always been within her. She was a sensitive soul she’d been told before, both in the form of compliments and insults. Being sad that people weren’t nice to her when she always went into interactions with a good heart wasn’t something new to bring her down. But she’d had something to make the roller coaster of let down shoot back up suddenly and she was caught off guard. A nice man to be kind and take care of her after the rest of the world seemed to be against her all day. It was too much for her still fragile heart to handle and despite being less sad, but mostly confused and uncertain, she cried again. She hated crying in front of others, she quickly became overwhelmed with thoughts of being less than and looking down on her for not controlling herself.

But she hadn’t felt that last night. No, she felt seen and heard. She had someone to look her in the eyes and tell her her feelings were valid, that crying was healthy and being able to feel so deeply was a gift and not a burden. Perhaps that’s why she hadn’t woken up feeling an emotional hangover like she had every other time she’d cried. Things were already proving Alfie right with how they would work better together than apart. Luckily, she had just woken up and therefore didn’t have the capacity to think about that at the moment. Right now all she was really focused on was having to pee.

Alfie sees her scuttle the short distance between her room and the bathroom in her slippers and pajamas. Little shorts and a tank, all her softness wobbling with a sleepy shuffle of her small feet. He grinned, a small huff of amusement for the little fluffy goblin scuttling around her own house.  He hears the click of the bathroom door as it opens and calls out to her, “Breakfasts almost ready. Ya in?” his neck stretches in her direction, head tilted to hear her muffled reply in the affirmative.

She entered the kitchen, hand disappearing into her bed head curls to mindlessly scratch as she yawned. “Smells good.” she approves, a sniff and a heavy-footed saunter over to the round kitchen table.

“Fanks.” he mutters, multitasking with pans and spatula. “‘Mornin’ luv. Ya slept well I take it? Didn’t a hear a peep all night.” He could’ve said my dreams were as smooth and clear as a moonless night’s reflection atop a lake. A sure sign that she wasn’t bothered in her sleep.

“Yeah.” she nods, her hair bouncing as she did so. She fusses with her hair, pushing it back as he approaches the table. “Oddly enough.”

“Odd will become commonplace soon enough.” a nod and a self-assured tone she hoped to emulate moves out of a barrel chest in his plain white t-shirt. She recalled the shirt from the first time she’d seen him in her dreams. What an odd fact, she muses to herself. Perhaps he was right. “That’s some immense hair ya got there.” he smiles down at her with an affectionate inkling in his eye and tone.

“Thanks?” she gives him a quirked brow as she tilts her head up at him, peeking out from under her mop of half-formed spirals.

“Was a compliment.” he clarifies as she nods and becomes quickly distracted by the food being slid in front of her. “Full English.” he declares, his shoulders hunched as he turns to retrieve his own overflowing plate. A perk of being immortal was he could eat almost anything and everything and not give a second thought to it. He now had an excuse to make the rich comfort foods he missed. He found himself not neglecting but finding comfort in the things of old that made him, him. He had run from the messier human emotions for a long while. He ran from the things that made him human in the first place as well. That entailed disappearing and not emerging until everyone he knew was long dead. It included religion, sex, and human comforts. He was his darkness for long years, but this little sunspot was bringing him back to his old self. The things that made him Alfie before things took a turn for the worse and he became what he was now. She made him feel human again. Among other things.

“Tomatoes?” she asks, her head tilted like the curious Percy’s that just jumped onto the table to sniff at the mushrooms dissapprovingly.

“Breakfast, innit?” he says, a fork in hand and a sausage already on the way into his mouth.

“And beans?” she keeps the same confused expression.

“It’s what we ate when money was good when I’s growin’ up. Comfort food, that.” he points with a greasy fork across the sun-streaked table from the light coming through the patio doors.

“Full English.” she mutters as if it were still a question to her. “S’good.” she shrugs and pushes things around on the plate.

“Got tea, English as all bloody hell.” he chuckles and points to the kettle. “Coffee, bangers, beans, bacon, beefeaters from the garden and mushrooms. Ya made me some of your soul food, ya comfort food. This is mine.”

“Food is… weird.” the sleep starting to fade fro her voice but clearly her mind wasn’t matching up to what her mouth wanted to say.

He snorts with a mouthful of food as she chews thoughtfully. “You gonna elaborate on that ingenious remark?”

She gives him a smile, knowing there was no ill will in his jab but agreeing that she certainly would have fleshed out what she meant more. “Everyone’s gotta have it, but it’s different everywhere ya go. It’s the backbone of any culture, somethin’ anyone could know about y’know? But somehow it’s also deeply personal despite it bein’ somethin’ that everyone has.” she pauses and takes another bite. “It’s weird.” she shrugs despite that being her final statement.

“Humans are weird would be a more overlapping remark. But it goes without sayin’. Humans can make anything personal. A rock, a meal, a string of words. Very self-absorbed, very self-important. But it’s in their nature. Means of survival ‘n that.”

“Their nature? You aren’t human?”

“I was. At one time. I’m more of a vessel if you will. I am me, yeah? I hold everything that made Alfie Solomons a man, a human. But I am also timeless energy that is simultaneously full to the brim and empty all at once. Knowledge from the very beginning of time, and past the present. I’ve lived in the underworld and on this side as well.”

“That’s… sorta heavy for breakfast, man.” she states blankly before they both move into a shared laugh.

“You asked. I am here to answer.”

“Thanks for answering,” she says sheepishly. “Do I also contain all that? Time and space and the whole Carl Sagan monologue?”

He gives her one of those smiles that makes her avert her eyes. The kind that handsome men have beautiful ladies when they courted them. She wasn’t equipped to deal with his charm and ruggedly handsome face this early in the morning. Or ever, for that matter. “Yeah, love ya do. Which is why we’ll be starting with some meditation today. Help you get in touch with all that. It’ll help every facet of ya complicated self. Gotta learn restraint and control before we move onto the more… intense activities.”

“Am not gonna have to like..sacrifice anyone am I?”

He lets out a sudden laugh. “Nah, love nothin’ of the sort. Not unless ya want to.”

“I don’t.” is a quick and curt answer given. Of course, she didn’t. A little ray of sunshine made of life itself wouldn’t want to get messy. That was more his side of things.

“Noted.” he gives a firm nod and a supportive closed mouth smile before they both become absorbed by the task of fueling up for their work.

-------

He had asked her where she would feel most comfortable, and to no surprise to him, telepathic of not, she had said in her garden. With a reassuring hand on her back, he leads her to the middle of a grassy patch in the center of the back yard. Her land was totally enclosed with a high fence and the outlines covered in different flowers and bushes and fruit-bearing trees, buzzing with insects already so soon into spring. A warm sun beamed down, making her brown skin shine, freckles happy to soak up the rays and darken across her cheeks, the yellow light hitting her eyes and lighting them up golden with her lush mixture of green spun delicately around her tight iris. Her curls shone, the sun-kissed streaks happy to lighten with their long missed sunbaths every day from being stuck inside during the cold months. They were bouncing happily, air dried as she perched with crossed legs on the soft grass.

“This is a lovely garden, by the way, pet. You’ve done a bang-up job on your own.” he grunts out as she adjusts his legs to mirror her.

“Thank you. I’m very proud of it.” a soft but accepting smile graces her round and darling face as she squints in the sun.

“Ya should be.” he nods and clears his throat. “Have ya ever meditated before?”

“Not really no.” she shook her head. “I’ve lit incense and practiced some deep breathing before. But not like... Ommm and…” she pushes her middle fingers and thumbs together, resting them on her knees to explain.

He suppresses a smile at her wordless explanation of her length of knowledge on the subject. “I see.” he moves to take her hands. “Ya have a hard time quietenin’ down that mind of yours don’t ya?”

She nods, a hint of being ashamed in her eyes as she casts them downward.

“Now, now. No judgment here. This is Day 1, Step 1. Any progress is good progress. No progress is still practice, yeah? I’ll be gentle on ya don’t worry. Not here to upset ya.”

She presses her lips together and nods and takes a deep breath to steady herself.

“Now. First, we’re gonna close our eyes, yeah?” He leads her through being in the present. Taking in the moment. Acknowledging every sound and feeling, the blades of grass tickling her bare legs, the buzz of bee’s and the warmth of the sun, a kiss of wind that rustled her hair. She could sense it all, that was fine, but now she had to let it all go. “Work to clear your mind. No worries. No curiosities and philosophical musings. Just be. If a thought comes, say ‘ello, and let ‘im be on ‘is way.”

She smiles at his playful lit in explaining and she finds comfort now with his touch, hands clasped together between them.

“We’re going to have a moment, now. Try to work on that for a bit. I’m here if ya need me.”

“‘Kay.” is her soft reply as she tries to clear her mind. The garden fades away, but her thoughts still clumsily barge in. Worries about the future, the past, is she doing it right, was he sure he had the right girl? She tries to push it away and struggles.

“Ya need help, luv?” he offers with a gentle rub of his thumb against her hand.

“Yes, please.” she asks in an almost whisper of a voice.

“No shame in asking me for help, right? So make it sound like ya aren’t ashamed. I’ll ask ya again. Do you need help, luv?”

“Yes.” she states clearly, louder and a nod to back it up.

“That’s a girl. I’m gonna use my energy to calm ya down. Don’t be afraid of it. You'll feel it.”

She takes a shaky breath. “Okay. I’m not. Thank you.”

“Good girl.” he acknowledges her attempts at being self-assured and squeezes her hands. He didn’t have to, but he thought a physical cue might help her out at these early stages.

She does feel it, and it feels amazing. A shiver up her spine, his power like cool water in her veins as she exhaled in a sigh, feeling her shoulders lose their tension. Is what relaxed felt like? She didn’t know her.  “Oh, wow.” she exhales.

“Good?” he asks, concern in his voice.

“S’good.” she gives a dazed smile that he doesn’t see. A grunt in response is all she receives.

There’s an easy silence between them. She doesn’t know how long it goes on, but she felt like a popsicle left out in the sun, a puddle on the grass, a fat happy frog soaking up the sun for energy without a care. A thought floats by, and she decides to share it. “Am I...looking for something?” she asks.

“If ya like. It’s a bit advanced but we certainly can. You can ask a question, ask for guidance, clarity, divination. Whatever ya like.” he explains.

“I’d like to try.” her voice quiet but due to the relaxed state she was in and not from fear any longer.

“Go on, then.” he reassures her.

“Do I have to share it with the class?” the honesty in her voice makes him let out a laugh, a quiet one as not to startle her but her endearing and effortless charm was taking him by surprise.

“Nah, luv.” he chuckles out and gives her hand a delicate brush with his thumb again to show support.

What do I even ask? She wondered. I’d like to know… anything at this point. Okay, focus. I wanna know who he is. Who… we are if we’re these… soul mates. I just wanna know what it all means. Hmmph, not asking for much there are you. She sighs out of frustration and focuses up again.

He feels her drifting and pull back and smiles. She’s learning fast.

I want to know who this man is. Who is this Alfie Solomons? Do I trust him? Is he who he says he is? What is it that I feel when he’s near, this vibrating energy inside that feels like I’m on the verge of something, good or bad I don’t know. I just want to know...anything really….please? She would be the only one who could give puppy dog eyes to the universe and have it bend to her will.

After a short while, a not awkward silence, he feels something. A tingling in his fingers first, then moving up his arms. Were they falling asleep? It wouldn’t make much sense he wonders but he soon realizes it’s coming from her. It grows warmer as if he’d sunk into a hot bath. He ran cold, like a reptile, cold-blooded before her, and feeling warm blood in his veins was something he hadn’t felt in over a hundred years. A wiggle of his heart in his chest, a warm slinking feeling up his neck and into his mind. It was far stronger than anything he expected. But he would soon find out, she was a lot stronger already than he anticipated. Her coy nature and shyness a mere cover for the intensity that lies beneath. She had been protecting everyone else with her reservations, not protecting herself.

Her intention ran through him, she wanted to know him, and her power sought him out. The universe said, if you want him, have him, I only made him for you after all, and lets her creep into his mind. It all came in flashes, waves on a shore that faded in and out, too fast to grasp it all at once.

She smelled alcohol. Something sweet and deep, she could hear machines, men yelling, heavy footsteps up old wooden stairs. There were strongly scented leather books, piles of paperwork and a feeling of unease. Another wash of nostalgia washes over her, she sees a dog, happy and excited. She sees an empty bed sat in a dark room filled with books and papers, the walls covered in so many different things, both common and rare that she couldn’t make them all out. She smells the strong scent of cleaning chemicals, a woman by a sink, working hard and a feeling a longing overtaking her. There’s a hat over the doorway, a beacon for something important, a cane by a bed, bottles that looked like medicine on a nightstand. She saw blood in the sink, a sinking in the pit of her stomach.

“Mae.” she hears him echo in her head. He wasn’t speaking aloud. “Stop it. You don’t want to go there. -I- don’t want you to go there. You won’t find what you want here. Go back.”

Her eyes fluttered behind their lids, her hands grasping his, his underlying anger showing itself for her uninvited intrusion.

A hiss that wasn’t Alfie snaps up and shuts her out. It speaks a language she does not know, but it doesn’t frighten her, although she wonders for a moment if it should. His darkness. She knew it immediately. She’s endlessly fascinated. A black smoke, formless and endless whirling, moving through muck and earth as she pursued it with hungry curiosity. -Come see. Your answers.- a distinctly masculine but not human voice says, the smoke twists into a long cylindrical shape, it forms and shifts, an awe-inspiring black iridescence comes to shape. She sees a snake, endless, it could fit in her mind but was larger than the planet somehow. She knew he, his darkness, was the snake. A fitting symbol of rebirth and transformation, immortality and renewal, as death and destruction were all forms of creation in the end. It was as if she were being gifted with sight for the first time. She could see him, and know what his essence stood for.

Sunlight shone on it and the most beautiful colors came off its scales. She realized she was the source of the light. It twists up and directs her eyes to a moon. It’s blue, purple and green, all pastel and colored like the snake. They were one, they were the night and the darkness and everything that called it home. The dirt, the death it holds, both old and new, the beasts that only emerged to worship the moon and live in the dark were its children. Every cold-blooded animal, every reptile and insect knew it and didn’t fear it. So it came for her to understand, neither should she.

She sees her sun take form, moving towards the moon. She felt no fight between them. It was as if they wanted to be close, but had long been separated by the sides of the earth. Something that existed, but didn’t, that faded in and out unnoticed until it was already upon you. They radiated blindingly bright together, and the behemoth snake reveled in it. She felt a strange pull, a split from herself as a rabbit came into view. The snake circled itself, mouth to tail as it writhed, an ouroboros as the white rabbit neared. The rabbit was her, she realized. She was seeing her light, the mate for his darkness. A rabbit she pondered, watching he fearless bound about in the sunlight, warm thick fur and a wet twitching nose, full of life and energy. Her light was life, fertility, and growth, creation and desire. A vulnerability, a softness unparalleled was what she contained. She suddenly understood it. Understood what it meant to be her, to be him, and thus, understood why they had been destined to find each other.

The rabbit and snake entwine, the sun and moon fusing, something that should’ve seemed unholy or apocalyptic seemed to make perfect sense to her. It all came together, just like everything did, from the first creation to the last, she’d always been there, and so had he. She, life, sending him, death, her gifts that he loved so much he kept them forever. A blinding light went dark and she was no longer separate from herself as she gasped and went eyed, flung back into the present, in her human body, hands tight around Alfie’s forearms, nails digging in and sweat pouring from her.

He blinked at her, the most curious expression on his face as she caught her breath. “You understand now, don’t you?” It was more of a rhetorical question at this point. “You’re more powerful than even I knew, Mae.” he pauses again, waiting for her to process it all.

“Yeah… I am.” she says with the first absolutely certain tone she might’ve ever had in her life.

“You’ll only grow more so from here. You’ve surpassed my expectations already.” he pats her shoulder and they meet eyes, as if for the first time. He sees her with a question and not fear in her eyes. She had found the answers she was looking for. At least she had enough knowledge now to grasp the situation. “This is only the beginning, luv.”

I tried to reverse search the image and came up empty handed so if you know whose it is, I’l gladly credit them. 

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