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sesskagevents · 3 years ago

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SessKag Fandom Appreciation Week - Day 6

Artist interviews - Mama-ino

@mama-ino was nominated by Anonymous

What was your first introduction to SessKag?

Hmm, my first introduction. This is going to sound dumb, but it was at an anime convention. I used to be real big into cosplay and if I remember correctly I was cosplaying Ed from Cowboy Bebop and I came across a Sesshomaru. A rouge Sesshomaru has appeared! LoL Well needless to say Baby Ino (and a couple other peeps) wanted to take pictures. But when all was said and snapped, his partner came from the dealers room- AND LOW AND BEHOLD! She was KAGOME! Like I don't know, something about seeing two characters I liked very much walk off sharing a bag of chippies. I was like... please. Please let there be a fandom for them, PLEASE! And of course after the convention (and angry AOL dial up sounds) I searched for this fandom. And I found YoukaiYume's art, I think it was 'Tears she cried." And then I found fanfiction and more art, and there was no turning back for me. That was in 2006...lol.

How long have you been a part of the fandom?

Alas, since Anime Mid Atlantic 2006!!

What is your writing/art process like?

Scattered, tbh. Often times I'll write my ideas come to me and I write/sketch them out on sticky notes or scrap paper. (Bruh, I was not kidding about the 829482 sticky notes.) Sometimes I draw from a few words that would make zero sense to a stranger, but I make something from it. And even then I often time end up with maybe 5 WIPs that will never be finished. However my little ficlets are often times done then and there, don't get me wrong! Like the idea starts the picture, and as I'm drawing and analyzing what I've done- The finished product is what inspires the ficlet. Unless it is to one of the fics I've been writing (unpublished) for gods know how long. Often times if I'm running late on a project, its because I'm criticizing and knit picking at things. But to break that up I usually doodle silly little things, like Sailor Jaken for example. LOL

If you could let your fans know one thing, what would it be?

I'm not nor have I ever considered my works to be anything but baseline (at most). I fangirl many most of the SessKag community. I am very happy to be included in this community as I've found many of you are absolute gems and are equally as astonishing as the works you create (both arts AND fics)! You all are fantastic, and I love your work! I run off of caffeine and sarcasm? I am very VERY SHY and do not know how to take compliments, lol... Or my favorite medium to art in is probably watercolor.

Do you have anything you're working on right now that the fandom can look forward to?

Yes, actually. I'm attempting to draw to a fic I've been writing to for some time in a sort of chapter series. I'm self taught and really haven't master how to do this in a manga style doujinshi as of yet, so I gotta stay small, lol. Those of you whom can are freakin' amazing!

How long have you been drawing for sesskag?

2012 maybe?

Your style is so unique - are there any other artists that inspire your style?

I've always loved Naoko Takeuchi, Yutaka Nanten, Masaru Gotsubo, Rumiko Takahashi, Bengus...I wanted to grow up to be just like Tetsuya Nomura. I've always loved his monster and character designs. So quite a few different artists started my love to do the arts.

What is your favorite thing about the ship?

I dunno, something about Kagome being able to go tit for tat with Sesshomaru. But at the same time with his character growth coming to be a silent watcher over, to her very caring nature. Something about it clicks. Both are able to deal with Inuyasha in their own respective ways, but both are very much trying to prove themselves and grow. Additionally both were nurturing to two children, not their own- but very much became theirs.

What is your favorite thing about the fandom?

Community. Expression of love for other creators. Diversity in how we perceive or ships. But to be honest, most of all is acceptance. Willingness to accept a new art forms, new prompts, new style of writings! Hey you also ship personxperson, okay cool! You like Kagome with blue eyes/grey eyes/brown eyes, yoooo! Awesome sauce. I've never been part of a community so welcoming and diverse. I love it here.

How do you get inspiration for your works?

Overactive imagination usually just takes the wheel, lol. Poems, Nature, scenic walks, looking at photography of mountains and the sky, staring at the moon, listening to thunderstorms, reading. My inspiration is literally comes from all around me, as corny as that sounds. Literally I can be in the coffee shop and see a couple do something cute and be like, awwwww. Sesshomaru and/or Kagome would do that, lol. Or watching a thunderstorm and be hit with an image in my head. Sometimes I'm trying to sleep (keyword trying, Insomnia can we not) and all of a sudden my brains like-parkour!

#SessKag #sesskag fandom appreciation week 2021 #skfa2021 #skfa2021d6 #skfa artist interview

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razieltwelve · 5 years ago

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Fan Fiction (Final Rose)

Diana looked up at her sister. “What… what are you doing?”

Averia leaned forward, emerald eyes gleaming in the twilight. “What does it look like?”

For a moment, a frisson of fear rustled through Diana before she relaxed. This was Averia. Her big sister would never hurt her.

As if she could read her mind, Averia smirked. “Don’t worry.” She reached for the buttons of Diana’s shirt. “I can guarantee that you’re going to enjoy this.”

X X X

Averia raised one eyebrow. “Diana, why are you cackling like a lunatic?” She paused. “Because although you cackle like a lunatic fairly frequently, I can usually identify the cause.”

“You have got to read this!” Diana thrust her scroll at Averia. “Come on! Read it!”

Averia glanced down at the scroll. “Why?”

“Because it’s hilarious. Come on!”

Averia looked back at the scroll and began to read through it. The first few paragraphs were innocuous enough, but it wasn’t long before she began to develop a violent tic above her left eye. “Diana… what the hell is this?”

“It’s fan fiction about us!” The younger girl cackled. “And this one is hilarious! Apparently, I’m no match for your wiles as you use your womanly charms to seduce your innocent little sister and lure her into a forbidden relationship fraught with lust and wanton acts of utterly immoral carnality.”

“Diana, I am fairly sure that what I do to you in this paragraph is physically impossible.” Averia twitched. “Although maybe not. I suppose you do have Ragnarok, but I can guarantee that would kill anyone else. There are things you do not do to people sexually because they are physically impossible.”

“But it’s hilarious,” Diana insisted. “I mean, have you read the descriptions? If people actually secreted that many bodily fluids, they’d drown during intercourse.”

“…” Averia’s tic took on near-stroke levels of twitching. “Diana, I never, ever want to read anything ever again that involves you, me, sexual intercourse, and that many bodily fluids. I just… no. Never. Again.”

“And let’s not forget the dialogue.” Diana laughed uproariously. “I mean… come on. Did you read that bit where you talk about how you’re the big sister because of your bigger bust size? That’s a classic.”

“Diana, feel free to never share what you’re reading with me ever again.” Averia gave Diana back her scroll. “Why are you even reading that anyway?”

“Well, I only stumbled across it because I was reading Strangles fan fiction.”

“People write fan fiction about your pet snake?”

“Yeah. He’s super popular. A lot of is just really sweet.” Diana shrugged. “But you know what they say about the InfoNet…”

“If people can make porn of it, they will?”

“Yep. TownSquare is the biggest site on the InfoNet for stuff about huntsmen and huntresses, and that includes students. People draw fan art, cosplay, and even write fanfiction. The site doesn’t host it, but people often link to stuff.” Diana pulled up a picture. “See this? That’s someone cosplaying their hamster as Professor Cuddles, and this next one is someone cosplaying as you?”

Averia frowned. “The cut of the suit is wrong.”

“And of course that’s the first thing you notice…” Diana politely refrained from pointing out that in the picture, the Averia cosplayer was totally groping the Elsa cosplayer. “But come on, you have to admit some of what you read was funny.”

“Diana, you have a demented sense of humour.”

“I guess.” Diana snickered. “You should read the story where someone argues that Ruby is actually our illegitimate sister since her hair looks kind of red if you look at it in the right light and red is kind of like pink, plus her Semblance could be thought of as being related to Saviour.”

“…” Averia’s eyes narrowed. “People are saying what now?”

“You seriously don’t know the rumours? Geeze.” Diana snickered. “Everyone knows mother and Aunt Summer dated when they were younger, and Ruby’s Semblance does look an awful lot like something a shard of Saviour might produce, not to mention Ruby basically looks like a clone of Aunt Summer, and the whole ‘clone kids’ thing does happen pretty often in the Farron family. I mean look at us and our cousins. We’re all part Farron, and all of us bear a really strong resemblance to our parents.”

“Diana, I’m starting to believe you might have written that.”

“Me? Nah. I mainly stick to fan art and stuff like that.”

“…” Averia shook her head. “I will pretend I didn’t hear that.” She paused. “But what sort of fan art?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

X X X

Author’s Notes

I was thinking about how ff.net used to have categories for bands and famous people, and how some of that was really super weird. And then I thought about how Diana would definitely find that hilarious. Incidentally, most Strangles fan fiction is slice of life stuff about what a snake might get up to in his free time (spoiler alert: it usually involves basking, sleeping, and eating).

If you’re interested in my thoughts on writing and other topics, you can find those here.

You can find my original fiction on Amazon here.

#final rose #fanfiction #averia yun-farron #diana yun-farron

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maraudesmap · 4 years ago

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23 May, 1992

Today in Italy is the anniversary of the death of the magistrate Giovanni Falcone, his wife Francesca, also a magistrate, and three police officers and their bodyguards: Vito Schifani, Rocco Dicillo and Antonio Montinaro.

They lost their lives in a mafia attack called "Strage di Capaci" (the Capaci bombing), which took place on the A29 motorway at 17:57 in 1992.

I'm not writing this post to teach history or even for a sudden poetic surge of melancholy. I'm writing because I see more and more often on socials like this one an attitude of romanticization of the mafia, often also by cosplayers and people that I esteem so much and that I find inspiring and that I don't want in any way to offend. Surely these people create their content knowing what they are talking about but maybe some of their followers base their knowledge on these AU or on comics read or other conjectures. So I want to talk to these people who maybe think that mafias are not a totally negative thing.

I understand that abroad there may have remained an image of the mafia like Al Capone or similar... of men of other times, criminals of course, but with values like, for example, the untouchability of women and children. Perhaps (I am not an expert on the subject, so it may be possible) in the past organized crime had a sort of ethical code; but, if it ever existed, it hasn't existed for a very long time. Because the mafia, the real one, the one that still terrorizes countries in the south but also in the north of Italy, kills men, women and even children indiscriminately.

It kills men who fight for the freedom of the state and for legality, like the magistrates Giovanni Falcone and Paolo Borsellino.

It kills boys like Giuseppe (Peppino) Impastato, a young journalist and activist in his early thirties who rebelled against Cosa Nostra, because he believed that the terrified Sicilian people could be freed from this scourge.

It kills women like Graziella Campagna and Emanuela Loi. The first "guilty" of having collaborated with the justice system for the arrest of a fugitive mafia man, discovering his identity by chance while doing her job as a laundress; the second one, instead, was one of the first women policeman of the bodyguard service, entrusted to the protection of Borsellino and, like him, blown up outside a building in the Strage di Via D'Amelio (Via D'Amelio bombing).

It kills kids like Giuseppe Di Matteo, kidnapped at the age of 12, held hostage for more than a year, then killed and dissolved in acid just because he was the son of a repentant boss.

It kills children like Mariangela or Noemi who were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

It kills people on the street just because he looks like a member of an enemy clan and therefore "uups, wrong person".

The mafia here in Italy is serious. Despite the fact that some young people answer "it's not here in my house, so I don't care" it's a disease that seems incurable, worse than Covid19.

It's not only about southern Italy as many people think, the small town where I live is one of the (minor) centers of the mafia in the north of the peninsula, just 10 years ago there were arrests and "gambizzazioni" (shooting another person in the legs as a warning or a gesture of revenge) just behind my house.

So, please, however imaginary "the Boss" may have his charm, don't make him pass for the misunderstood one, the one who in the end does good even though he bypasses the law because in this way you only spit on all the dead, as you would do if you would excuse the perpetrators of the massacres in schools or other kinds of attacks.

With this I'm not saying that in Italy we have to pay attention to every dark alley or similar (I mean, in those cases you have to pay attention wherever you are, but not because of the mafias). Ours is a wonderful country with a unique history and culture that can't be found anywhere else, as well as all the cultures of this world; so, once this mess with Covid19 is over, come and take a tour and enjoy the beautiful cities like Naples, Rome, Turin, Florence and Bologna or see the wonders of our Alps or beaches.

As a fangirl and a cosplayer I love good AU's and the creation of original and eye-catching OC's... but the important thing is to be able to distinguish fantasy from reality.

I know that not many people will have read all this post and many will have found it heavy and boring but I invite you to do some research, even just type on google "Strage di Via D'Amelio" and "Strage di Capaci" which are the most sadly famous. Look at the photos. Look how they destroyed roads to hit a single man, in both cases. Then you can go back to cosplaying and writing and reading fanfiction, you have every right but at least you will do it with more awareness.

P.s: This applies to all mafias, both Italian and foreign.

P.p.s: Since English is not my native language and I have never studied it so much, I hope I haven't made too many mistakes and that the sense of the post is still clear.

///

Oggi in Italia è l'anniversario della morte del magistrato Giovanni Falcone, della moglie Francesca, anche lei magistrato, e di tre agenti della loro scorta: Vito Schifani, Rocco Dicillo e Antonio Montinaro.

Hanno perso la vita in un attentato mafioso che prende il nome di Strage di Capaci, avvenuto nel tratto autostradale A29 alle 17:57, nel 1992. Non scrivo questo post per insegnare la storia e neanche per un improvviso slancio poetico di malinconia. Sto scrivendo perchè vedo sempre più spesso su social come questo un atteggiamento di romanticizzazione della mafia, spesso anche da parte di cosplayer e persone che stimo tantissimo e che trovo d'ispirazione e che non vorrei in nessun modo offendere. Sicuramente queste persone creano i proprio contenuti sapendo di cosa stanno parlando ma magari alcuni loro follower basano le proprie conoscenze su questi AU o su fumetti letti o altre congetture. Voglio quindi parlare a queste persone che magari pensano che le mafie non siano una cosa totalmente negativa.

Capisco che all'estero possa essere rimasta un'immagine della mafia tipo Al Capone o simili... di uomini d'altri tempi, criminali certo ma con dei valori come, per esempio, l'intoccabilità di donne e bambini.

Forse (non sono un'esperta in materia quindi può essere possibile) in passato la criminalità organizzata aveva una specie di codice etico; ma, se mai c’è stato, non esiste più da tantissimo tempo.

Perchè la mafia, quella vera, quella che terrorizza ancora paesi del sud ma anche del nord Italia, uccide indistintamente uomini, donne e perfino bambini.

Ammazza uomini che combattono per la libertà dello stato e per la legalità, come i magistrati Giovanni Falcone e Paolo Borsellino.

Ammazzano ragazzi come Giuseppe (Peppino) Impastato, un giovane giornalista e attivista appena trentenne che si ribellava contro Cosa Nostra, perchè credeva che da questa piaga il popolo siciliano terrorizzato si potesse liberare.

Ammazzano donne come Graziella Campagna e Emanuela Loi. La prima "colpevole" di aver collaborato con la giustizia per l'arresto di un mafioso latitante, scoprendo l'identità dell'uomo per caso svolgendo il proprio lavoro di lavandaia; la seconda, invece, è stata una delle prime donne poliziotto del servizio scorte in Italia, affidata alla scorta di Borsellino e, come lui, saltata in aria fuori da un palazzo nella Strage di via d'Amelio.

Ammazzano ragazzini come Giuseppe Di Matteo, rapito a 12 anni, tenuto in ostaggio per più di un anno, poi ucciso e sciolto nell'acido solo perchè figlio di un boss pentito.

Ammazzano bambini come Mariangela o Noemi che si trovavano solo nel posto sbagliato al momento sbagliato.

Ammazzano gente per strada solo perchè somiglia a uno appartenente ad un clan nemico e quindi "uups, persona sbagliata".

La mafia qui in Italia è una cosa seria. Nonostante alcuni giovani rispondano "non c'è qui a casa mia, quindi non mi interessa" è una malattia che sembra incurabile, peggio del Covid19.

Non riguarda solo il sud Italia come molti pensano, il paese dove abito è uno dei centri (minori) della mafia al nord, solo 10 anni fa ci sono stati arresti e "gambizzazioni" giusto dietro casa mia. Riguarda tutti, anche chi nasconde la testa sotto la sabbia.

Quindi, per favore, per quanto nell'immaginario "il Boss" abbia il suo fascino, non fatelo passare per quello incompreso, quello che alla fine fa del bene nonostante scavalchi la legge perchè così non fate che sputare su tutti i morti, così come fareste se scusereste gli artefici delle stragi nelle scuole o attentati di altro tipo.

Con questo non sto dicendo che in Italia dobbiamo fare attenzione ad ogni vicolo buio o simili (insomma, in quei casi si deve fare attenzione in ogni caso ovunque si è, ma non per via delle mafie). Il nostro è un paese meraviglioso con una storia e una cultura unici e introvabili da altre parti, così come tutte le culture di questo mondo; quindi, una volta finito questo casino col Covid19, venite pure a farvi un giro e a godervi le splendide città come Napoli, Roma, Torino, Firenze e Bologna o a vedere le meraviglie delle nostre alpi o spiagge.

Da fangirl e cosplayer adoro delle buone AU e la creazione di OC originali e accattivanti... ma l'importante è riuscire a distinguere la fantasia dalla realtà dei fatti.

So che non molti avranno letto tutto questo post e moltissimi l'avranno trovato pesante e palloso ma vi invito a fare delle ricerche, anche solo digitare su google "Strage di via D'Amelio" e "Strage di Capaci" che sono le più tristemente famose. Guardate le foto. Guardate come hanno distrutto strade per colpire un singolo uomo, in entrambi i casi. Poi potete tornate a fare cosplay e a scrivere e leggere fanfiction, ne avete tutto il diritto ma almeno lo farete con più consapevolezza.

P.s: Questo discorso vale per tutte le mafie, sia italiane che estere.

#mafia #23 maggio 1992 #strage di capaci #lotta alla mafia #giovanni falcone #Paolo Borsellino #mafia au #long post #sorry for the long post #Italia #Italy

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obsidiancreates · 5 years ago

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Old Writing Part Two: Electric Boogaloo

Yeah so uh here’s the “Fandom School” one.

This one has not been seen by even myself since like... October of 2016.

Oh jeez. That’s so long ago. Fuck time.

So this is... the whole story. Each Chapter was super short, the first three are under 400 words, so I just stuck ‘em all in here.

This one... is from 12 year old Sid. Yup. Little baby Sid.

It is bad. I’m warning you now. But perhaps, entertaining. At the very least, a good example of being able to grow and improve with enough practice.

Chapter One: Fangirlish

Abby shouted as she hit the floor. Her brother came running in, a look of worry on his face.

"What was that thud?" he asked.

"I laughed to hard while watching Venturiantale and fell off the bed."

Her brother face-palmed.

"Come on, Jeremy. Don't face-palm. They're funny!" Abby said with a grin.

"They're all you think about! You really need to stop obsessing. "

Abby gasped and looked at him like he just asked her to eat a smelly boot. "How could you say such a thing! Plus, they're not all that I think about. I also think about Doctor Who, and Star Wars, and Tolkien stuff, and Percy Jackson, and My Little Pony, and Monster High, and Warriors. "

Jeremy sighed. "Those are all....what do you call them? Fandoms?"

"Indeed. However, I am obsessed with them because they are beautiful. They are fabulous in ways you do not understand, mortal. Be gone!" Abby cried. She grabbed the ballpoint pen she took with her everywhere and uncapped it. "Be gone, or else you shall face the wrath if Riptide! Wait, Riptide can't harm mortals."

Jeremy sighed again and left the room, muttering about Abby being weird.

Abby went back to her video, laughing her butt off. After she finished it she went and read some Percy Jackson fanfiction. She was deeply absorbed in a very interesting fanfic when her alarm went off. It was time. She got up off her bed and went over to her desk.

She sat down and took out her notebook. She put on some music, written by Venturian of course, and began writing. She was writing a fanfic about Doctor Who.

"Abby, there's someone here to see you!" her mom shouted. Abby sighed, but went downstairs anyway.

She entered the living room to find a girl around her age sitting on the couch. She had blond hair with blue streaks and green eyes. She was wearing a t-shirt that said 'Fandom U' on it.

"Hello Abby, "she said with a grin, "I hear you're quite the fangirl."

Chapter Two: A Fellow Fan

Abby was a little creeped out. Who wouldn't be if a girl you had never met before was sitting in your living room saying she had heard about you?

The girl seemed to notice that Abby was weirded out, and spoke again. "My name is Bell, by the way."

"Bell? Who names their kid Bell?"

Bell laughed. "My mom's favorite movie is Beauty and the Beast. Anyway, you're a fangirl, are you not?"

"Yeah, kinda. And by kinda, I mean totally." Abby said. She was still a bit creeped out, but Bell seemed friendly enough. "Why do you ask? More importantly, how the heck did you hear about me? That's kinda creepy, considering this is the first time I've ever seen you."

Bell smirked. "So you're asking to know my secret?" She said the last part in a creepy voice.

"Wait, you watch Venturiantale? Awesome! But, could you at least answer my first question?"

Instead of responding, Bell handed Abby a piece of paper. It looked like a letter you would get from school. "Here, read this. If you decide you want to attend, just call the number at the bottom of the page." With that Bell left, humming a tune Abby recognized as the theme of Rohan.

She went back up to her room with the paper and began reading it. At the top it said, in big, bolded letters, Fandom U.

That's what Bell's shirt said.

As she read the paper her eyes widened.

Dear Whom It May Concern It has come to our attention that you are a massive fangirl. We are pleased to announce that you have been accepted into Fandom U. All supplies we be provided upon arrival, should you choose to attend. Please note that some fangirls can be dangerous if you speak negatively about their fandom, and the school is not responsible for any injuries should you be insensitive enough to do so.

Sincerely, The faculty of Fandom U

Excitement came over Abby. "I'm going to Fandom U!" she screamed happily.

Chapter 3: Belonging

A few weeks later, Abby was all packed and ready to go. She had called the school and arranged everything. She was sitting at the bus stop, waiting for her transportation. She bounced her leg up and down, a nervous habit of hers. Finally a bus labeled 'Fandom U' arrived. The doors to the bus opened, and Abby couldn't help but stare at the driver.

"Well, get in!" the driver said through his mask. He was dressed in a full on Stormtrooper cosplay. As Abby stepped onto the bus, she wondered how he wasn't being baked alive in the heat.

She discovered that each row represented a different fandom. She took a seat in the Doctor Who section because it, somehow, had more room then the other sections. The bus started up, making the same sounds the T.A.R.D.I.S makes. Abby stared out at her hometown, feeling excitement at what lay before her. She leaned back in her seat, humming fandom songs. Normally people would look at her like she was crazy, but instead everyone joined in, humming with her.

She had found where she belonged, and she loved it. The whole bus ride was filled with fan theories, discussions about characters, and tons of references. It was the most fun Abby ever had!

After what seemed like only minutes, they had arrived. Abby looked up at the building in front of her in awe.

It was enormous, like a castle. Above the door there was a huge sign reading 'Welcome to Fandom U!'. The building was shaped in an unusual way. So unusual that Abby wasn't even sure what shape it was. The outer walls were painted with so many fandom symbols that Abby had a hard time seeing anything else.

"Abby!" a voice called. Abby turned around to see Bell running towards her. "Abby, great news! They made me your escort!"

"Escort?"

"Well, yeah. It's a huge school. Plus it's your first day. I'm here to show you around!" Bell said.

She looked at Abby's face, which was still a face of awe. Bell grinned and said "Abby, welcome to Fandom U!"

Chapter 4: Orientation

"This place is amazing!" Abby said. She looked over at Bell, who seemed just as excited as Abby felt.

"Wait until you see the inside," Bell said. She started walking and motioned for Abby to follow. Abby grinned and walked with her into the school.

The inside was more amazing than the outside. The entrance was decorated with hundreds of pieces of fandom merch from hundreds of different fandoms. Abby noticed a T.A.R.D.I.S replica, a statue of a cave troll from The Lord of the Rings, a replica of Luke Castilian's sword Backbiter, and what appeared to be a statue of Papa Achachalla.

As she and Bell continued to wherever they were headed, Abby took in everything she could. The halls were each themed around a different fandom. There was a Doctor Who hall styled like the inside of a Dalek spacecraft, a Narnia hall styled like the Pevensy's castle, a Lord of the Rings hall styled like the halls of Rivendell, and a Venturiantale hall decorated with the channel's colors and each of the siblings emblems, among many others.

The classroom doors were all shut, so Abby didn't get the chance to see inside. She followed Bell to a large room resembling a theater.

"Welcome to the auditorium! This is where all the assemblies are held, as well as the school plays!" Bell said. She led Abby over to the very middle row and took a seat. She motioned for Abby to sit next to her, which is just what Abby did.

"This room is huge! How many students are there?" Abby asked.

"I'm not sure. A few hundred, maybe. Possibly more," Bell answered. "Oh, orientation's starting! We better stop talking. "

All the other students had sat down while they were talking. They all went quiet as a lady walked up on stage. "Greetings, students! I am Miss Silnet, your headmistress," she announced. Abby was shocked. The lady definitely wasn't dressed like a headmistress. She wore a camp Half-blood t-shirt underneath a black sweatshirt, a pair of jeans with fandom references doodled all over them, and a pair of plain red sneakers. Her ginger hair was pulled into a loose braid with bits of silver weaved in. She couldn't have been older than thirty, yet was still clearly a fangirl.

"Welcome to Fandom U! I'm sure some of you new students are curious as to what the U stands for. Most people think it means university. However, a university is a collage, and here all ages of fans are welcome. The U in fact stands for United. We are all united under our love of our fandoms! Join me as I say the school's pledge," she said. She put her hand on her heart and began the pledge, with many returning students saying it with her.

To be obsessed For all our lives, To value the next part Over the next school test. To love those who do not love back, To stalk them on the Internet. To unite as one Under the fandom sun.

Abby looked around her, thinking about how all these people had similar interests, habits, preferences, possibly even crushes as her. She realized that they truly were united in their love of fandoms. She could tell this was going to be her best school year ever.

Chapter 5: Classes

After orientation Bell lead Abby to her dorm. The room had two beds, two dressers, two closets, two trashcans, two desks, two bookshelves, and, to Abby's surprise, two TVs. There was a dark blue couch in front of each TV, the bedding was purple on both beds, and at each desk there was a chair made of oak with dark green built-in cushions. There was a large window in the middle of the wall leading outside, with a view of the huge field behind the school. In front of the window was a kitchen, complete with all the cooking utensils you could ever need. On both sides of the room there was a private bathroom with a shower, sink, medicine cabinet, mirror, and, of course, toilet.

"This room is amazing!" Abby marveled.

"It gets better. Guess who your dorm mate is. Me!" Bell said. Abby was very happy to hear that. Despite having only known Bell for a short time, the two seemed to be best friends. Plus, Bell was the only person Abby actually knew!

Abby then noticed the large boxes sitting by the desks. They were labeled School Supplies.

"So, which side do you want?" Abby asked Bell.

"Hm. The right side, I think."

"Okay!" Abby said. She set down her luggage, which she had been hauling around all day, on her bed. She walked over to her desk and opened the box.

Inside was everything a fangirl could need. There was a laptop, about a dozen brand new books, some notebooks, some pencils, some pens, a spare phone charger for both Apple and Android brands, a charger for the laptop, an extra pillow in case of a feels attack, a sketchbook for fanart, colored pencils, and many course books for class.

She closed the box, not feeling like unpacking it. Her eyes fell on some paper on her desk. She picked it up and asked Bell, "What's this?"

"It's a list of all the different classes you can take. In this school you get to choose all your own classes! What you do is pick your five main fandoms, then pick two classes per fandom. Later one of the teachers will come to collect it. They enter it into a computer, which then devises a schedule," Bell explained.

"Oh. Thanks!" Abby said. She turned her attention back to the paper. On the first page were five spots to write her fandoms. She thought for awhile, then chose Doctor Who, Percy Jackson, Venturiantale, Star Wars, and Warriors.

She turned to the next page, which had a list of the different classes for each fandom. She read over all the options, then chose the ones that interested her most.

Abby's choices:

Venturiantale: Tale Fighting, the class where you learn to fight like the Tale characters, and Lore 101, the study and attempt to make sense of VT lore.

Percy Jackson: Demigod Combat, the class where you learn how to fight like a Demigod, and Camp Cooking, the class of learning to cook the meals they eat at camp.

Doctor Who: A Study of Time, the class on understanding how time works, and Regeneration History, the study of the Doctor's personal history.

Warriors: Knowing Your Herbs, the class on healing methods the clans use, and Warriors Speak 101, the study of Warriors phrases and words.

Star Wars: Understanding the Force, the study of what the Force is as well as how it is used, and Dark vs Light, a debate class studying the pros and cons of each side in an attempt to find out which one is truly better.

Abby finished filling out the paper and looked over at Bell, who appeared to be doing the same.

Abby and Bell spent the rest of the night unpacking. Abby discovered that the closest was filled with fandom clothes, as well as the dresser. "How did they know my size?" she asked, a tad creeped out.

"Your mom had to put it on your admission papers."

"Oh."

Just before Abby went to bed there was a knock at the door. The teacher had come by to collect the class papers. After the girls had handed them over they got into bed. Bell seemed to fall asleep pretty quick, but Abby stayed up for hours,unable to sleep at the anticipation of the next day.

And then I never wrote Chapter Six. I guess she overslept, huh? Heh.

#my old writing #Whaaat no Abby's not a self-insert named after my favorite Monster High character #Psssh that's- that's crazy talk

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szopenhauer · 4 years ago

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How was your day?: it wasn’t good.

Would you ever try to count to 5,000 for $5,000?: I’d try

When is the last time you took a picture of yourself?: last days

When did you last take a shower?: I’m going to take a bath soon

What song are you listening to?: The Weeknd - Blinding Lights

Last sentence you said aloud?: not sure what was last

What is the point of scented pens/pencils/erasers? ppl like to smell stuff I guess Do you buy/wear band-aids with cartoon characters on them? they’re usually not sticking well enough What do you think your reaction would be upon entering the White House? meh, they could spend those money better by helping ppl, nobody needs such a big house - president or not, we’re not in medieval times and guards would have less to do

Do you buy and wear crazy looking socks? I would like to Would you run down the street wearing a tutu, fishnets, & flippers? topless? for how much tho Have you ever grown your own sea monkeys or dinosaurs? nope

Did you ever own an Etch-a-Sketch? yes, I loved it so much, I miss it Do/did you ever have glow-in-the-dark stars on your ceiling? on my wall and furniture, I still have some left Does your house have an attic? it does Have you ever gone white-water rafting? no and don’t want to Does your grandma wear an apron when she cooks? she did How often do you need “me” time? all the time? :x Does it bother you that almost everything is done on computers now? sometimes, a little bit Have you ever gotten stuck in a revolving door? I haven’t What animal do you most resemble while eating? dunno but it reminds me of that yt video - how animals eat their food lmfao Would you play Jumanji, if given the chance? someone already plays it this year

Do you text/call while going to the bathroom? I might but prefer not to Do you always make sure your cell phone is charged before going somewhere? and powerbank too Did you get Happy Meals just for the toys as a kid? only once, I got Eeyore that I still own Have you ever seen your parents cry? of course

Do you often shift blame towards others? usually it’s other way around? Do you ever feel like you’re smarter than your boss? I don’t have a job Your very first best friend: Is he/she STILL your best friend? not counting my family - no Have you ever witnessed a crime? minor What’s the coolest personalized license plate you’ve ever seen? I saw a bunch :D Do you write grey or gray? grey, it doesn’t have 50 shades

If you make surveys, how do you decide about its title? I don’t add titles as you can see, that’s stupid

When are you going back to school? never?

What do you do when you tell a really bad joke? my jokes are so bad that they’re good if you know what I mean ;)

Do you like having a huge group of friends or would you rather have few close friends? few close

Do you watch the TV Show Skins? If so, who’s your favorite character? fragments

Can you get a strike at bowling? I never tried bowling but would like to

Do you swallow chewing gum? wtf

Were you into the Beanie Baby craze? nah Would you ever wish to ride a dolphin? nope, I’m not fond of dolphins Do you ever watch the news just for the weather forecast? my parents did and that was dumb, I don’t like/believe in weather forecats If your remote was missing, where is the most likely place you’d find it? in dad’s stuff Ever considered the thought that kangaroos technically have fanny packs? hehe

When was the last time you blew bubbles? not that long time ago from what I remember Did the last doctor’s office you were in have a crappy magazine selection? it did indeed Have you been to a restaurant where they cook the food in front of you? bakery only The last ball you threw was a… (baseball, basketball, etc.) childish ball for my niece Have you seen how much candidates for president are willing to spend for their campaign? it’s insane Have you ever caught a friend snooping in your room? I have and that’s why I am afraid of leaving ppl alone in my room Quick! Name the longest word starting with the letter ‘J’ you can think of: jurisdiction was the first that came to my mind Do you still write letters to people, even though there’s e-mail now? no longer but not because of e-mail’s existence

Have you ever taken a survey with a friend, listing both answers?: I tagged my friends in the past

Do you know a guy who has hair longer than yours?: not currently

What color was the last cup you drank out of?: it’s a llama mug (minty color)

If you’re in school, what do you do to fill in time between classes?: there was never enough time for me

Where was the last place you got lost?: mall or park

When was the last time you had cheesecake?: this year

When you last shed tears, was it because of a person?: partially

Other than yours, whose house did you last fall asleep at?: John and P

Have you ever had a significant other whose parents didn’t like you?: looks like it

What’s so unique about your computer?: what’s on it - pictures/memes/documents

What’s one thing you have never done? I didn’t do lots of stuff and don’t want to many of them actually

What is one trend you wish you have been a part of? I’m not into trends in general

Do you enjoy reading fanfictions? About who? Or do you write fanfictions, too? nah

What is something you own that you wish was in your favorite color? it’s not that important

Is there someone from your past that you wish you had dated? used to think that way, no longer

Can you snap with both your hands? If not, which hand can you snap with? both but not every single time

Do you like cosplays? I tried cosplays but it’s not for me and I’m a bit traumatised by it due to experiences from the past, they remind me of someone and not only so I prefer not to follow/look at those related to anime mostly

If you were to participate in one, what/who would you dress up as? I’d dress up as characters I relate to

Do you sometimes answer surveys with “Idk”/“Idr” because you’re too lazy? I just realized that I don’t, wow, I used to do that all the damn time

Are you usually open to trying a new food that you aren’t familiar with? am not

Have you ever acted like a bitch and used PMS as an excuse? I don’t use PMS nor period as an excuse as it’s actually a stereotype and shouldn’t be an argument besides painful/uncomfy/annoying physical sensations and being unable to do some stuff due to that fact

Do you know someone who brushes their teeth in the shower all the time? *shrug*

Have you ever tried doing that? Did you like it? Why or why not? tried and it’s not that good

Are you patient when it comes to instructing others? I’m not, sorry...

Do you listen to Panic At The Disco? nah

Name a band/artist you like that isn’t that popular.: I like many bands/artists that seem not very popular

Can you lift your significant other (your best friend if you’re single)?: can’t :(

Have you ever lost a pet you were attached to?: we had to give away

You can read minds; Whose mind do you snoop around in first?: hmm...

Do you ever talk to inanimate objects?: stuffed animals, kettle and fridge

Have you ever tried to fold a piece of paper more than 7 times?: possibly

Your best friend needs a kidney to survive; Do you give them one of your’s?: oh my...

Your brother breaks into your house; Do you press charges?: ... ghost?

Would you rather have a huge cat or a tiny dog?: tiny dog <3

Do you use your hands when you talk to emphasize what you are saying?: do I?

Are you afraid to ask for help when you know that you need it?: depends

Should adopted kids be allowed to find their birth parents if they want to?: I guess

You’re writing a novel; Is it horror, mystery, romance, etc.?: sci-fi/fantasy

Will you usually admit it when you’ve made a mistake? would say so

Does your name begin with a B, L, R, or T?: Z

Could you go a day without texting?: but she couldn’t and we don’t want to

Do you have a step-parent?: I don’t

If so, do you get along with them?: -

Do you have any nieces or nephews?: one

Does your current/last job require that you wear a uniform?: one of jobs that I had

Who is your 23rd phone contact and how do you know them?: I don’t have this many

If the last person you kissed proposed to you what would you say?: try me

Where is your dad right now?: sleeping

Are there any writing utensils close to you? several

Look up, what do you see? ceiling

Do you have a bigger upper or lower lip? lower

Do you have any screen names with spelling errors? luckily not

Open the nearest drawer and tell me what’s inside it: I know it’s empty, don’t have to open it

How many other rooms can you currently see into? my door is closed

Do you need to take the trash out? already done

Do you need to clean out a litter box right now? we don’t have a cat anymore

Are these questions reminding you of things you put off to do this survey? nah

How many days have you been wearing those clothes? 1

Do you like listening to 60’s music? some songs

Can you move your nose? many ways

Can you wiggle your ears? my dad can

How many songs have you downloaded this week? I don’t download songs

Would you rather be a pirate or robot? robot, can’t robot be a pirate tho?

Would you rather be a ghost or a zombie? ghost

Have you ever considered living in a bomb shelter? I’d be scared to live underground

If I gave you a piano and told you hit middle c, could you? nooo

do you think it’s weird for someone to have never tried soda? not really

which floor of your house/building are you on now? there’s basement under me and attic above me

would you ride a motorcycle if given the chance? (or have you?) I would, haven’t yet

what are your thoughts on reincarnation? (have you ever read up about it?) it’s possible

does your home have a balcony/deck/porch? balcony

how would you feel about traveling abroad alone? anxious

do you have an interesting passport? I don’t have a passport

what happens to your old clothes? I donate them, give them to ppl I know, reuse them, sell them etc.

who supports you financially? my parents

if you wanted to go to the movie cinema, how would you get there? walking then by bus then walk again

have you ever had a crush on a sibling’s friend or a friend’s sibling? minor

do you know much about feng shui? (do you use it?) not much, I don’t use it

what’s your favorite spot to read? librocubicularist

did you know that buddha is not considered a god to buddhists? ok

do you save tickets from movies, etc.? saved some

without looking him up, who was jim morrison? vocalist

do you have a nervous habit? several

would you be/are you a good role model to a younger sibling? nah

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armada-of-ships-against-antis · 5 years ago

Note

Gush about some of your favorite ships please

Sorry for the long wait, but I think I might be ready for this now. (and before anybody wonders, of course it is in the middle of the night and I should go to bed now! Cause it’s the best time to gush over your ships!)

Okay lets begin with Spirk - man I was raised being a Trekkie and to be honest I never saw the great appeal of Kirk, cause my fucking younger than 10 year old heart already belonged to that vulcan! And I bailed my eyes out when he died! But after Kirk and the crew did everything to bring him back, I was like: Okay Kirk is a good one, okay! Nobody will ever be able to seperate them, only over my dead body. Back then it was more about the friendship but I’ll be dammned if I didn’t become a Spirk shipper some 10 years later when rewatching it. But why stop there, get Bones into the fun, too! Try to provoke that human side of Spock, trigger some unlogical feelings, try to beat him in 3d chess!

Okay bear with me there are three other Star Trek ships I wanna gush about! I pretty much watched the series in the order they came out, so next was TNG that I saw, and although I loved data to every bit and byte of his android being, I was at a loss for a love interest for him. Okay there is always Geordie I guess or Picard, but TNG never hold a deep appeal for me in that field. So on to DS9. When I saw it as a kid, is was boring shit with all that politics and religion. I was around 18 when I rewatched and then in only the fourth episode I became suddenly aware of how motherfucking much Garak flirted with Julian Bashir! And I fell so deeply in love for their weird dynamic of a young and easily impressible human doctor with a mysterious cardassian spy tailor. I ran around showing scenes with them to people who were not shippers and they agreed, that there was tension. And right there was my first time finding background informations about my ship. It was there! I didn’t just interpret too much! Andrew Robinson, the actor said himself he thought of Elim Garak as an omnisexual character who had a certain interest in Julian. It was absolutely mindblowing to me (also I started to google what omnisexual meant and found about pansexuality, so this is kinda part of finding my own identity, thanks to the closeted representation of a queer alien in sci-fi show from the 90s)

Okay two more and I’m done with Star Trek. But both are from Voyager. Throughout the series I loved the chemistry between Janeway and Chakotay. The slightly forbidden, the pressure, the loneliness of being captain of a ship so far away she probably would never see her husband again. Tragic shit and so perfect set up. And then came Seven of Nine and manged to shake things up. Suddenly I was a multi shipper, because I couldn’t decide if she or Chakotay should be with Kathryn. The one was loving, supporting and the other was awkward, learning new things about finding humanity again. One was frowned upon because of their ranks and the other because Seven was still more borg than human in how she behaved. So pretty cold, while also confused a ton of times and Janeway ALWAYS had the time and nerves to explain it to her. Just like the doctor (who speaking between us is also a solid shipping option for Seven!)

Damn I tricked you by forgetting myself, that I did develop a shipping crush on Q x Picard. Damn have you ever seen those two interacting. The cockiness in the room, the mocking tone, the resistance. Have you seen those scenes you could perfectly take out of context and already have a “morning after sex” scenario?

Good now let’s take a deep breath and come to the Harry Potter fandom. Or in my case Severus Snape’s playground to be shipped to literally everybody! If it had Snape in it, I would read Everything during that time. Snarry was my most favourite, followed by Snape x Lucius, Remus, Sirius. But I also was looking into x Hermione, Draco, Lily, James, McGonagall, Dumbledore, Ron, Neville (Oh what a small and angsty ship), Bellatrix, Voldemort, Narcissa, Tonks, hell I even read one with Hagrid! (Okay I admit I didn’t enjoy that). Snape was my shipping bitch. Beside that I was of course loving Sirius x Remus.

Okay we move a tiny bit backwards in my life timeline, because before I started to excessively ship my ship bitch with everybody that was breathing, I had a rare ship in Final Fantasy (VII to be more precisely). Hojo x Vincent. You know just your ordinary crazy, mentally instable old (as in probably 60 years old) mad scientist having his way with a young agent from a special task force who canonly had a love interest in his wife… yeah. You know the totally normal stuff you ship every day! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I mean I also had the regular Cloud x Sephiroth, Cid x Vincent, Cloud x Tifa, Tifa x Aeris, Reno x Rude or Rufus and so on, but hell yeah I wrote one of my longest fanfictions with most of my OCs for Hojo and Vincent and someone commented on it. That person became my fucking best friend for now over 13 years who went with me through so much shit but is still my shipping partner in crime till now.

Together we discovered the movie Megamind and watched it more than 10 times in one week! We were so instantly on board with Megamind x Roxanne that it nearly hurt. And when we started an rpg, we shipped the fuck out of them, gave Minion a mermaid to love and that was the most perfect and sweet shit. They are just adorable! He’s such a goofball, sick with love only hold back because of his supervillain image.

I also met my second girlfriend via fanfiction comment. I had written a smut one shot about Tarrant Hightopp, the mad Hatter with ‘his’ Alice. That was also the first one I attempted to translate into English. When we met for the first time, we also watched Alice in Wonderland around 10 times together and we were in love with the lovely dynamic. We were frustrated when we found out, there was even a kiss in the script that never made it to the fucking screen! It was outrageous! I started to learn how to write a scottish accent and strew in some scottish words in our rpg to make it more authentic.

(And after that I managed to pull her into the pit of the Harry Potter fandom, hell I even pulled her into the pit of shipping mlm which she didn’t like until Snupin. But our main ship was suddenly Snape with her OC and we wrote a lot. Like between 2-8k word for one single post in our rpg! In the end we had enough to fill two books. We did even cosplay as them.)

Let’s get back to the Final Fantasy fandom a bit and let me gush over the other ships I had over the years. I’m still a huge Squall x Quistis shipper from part 8 and Laguna x Kiros! I also have an eye on Cifer x Fu-Jin (hah one eye, cause she has a an eyepatch, urgh I know that was a bad joke). And while I started as a big Auron x Tidus shipper, it shifted more to Auron x Rikku. I shipped them when I was about 15 (her age) and I thought I wasn’t allowed to do that, so I made a whole fucking AU where she was older and it developed into a totally original story of my own, which I have never ever written down even one page). With X-2 I satisfied myself with Paine x Rikku, they were such cute opposites of each other, I couldn’t resist! Only some years ago I played FF 15 and damn it was a shipping paradise again for me. Like all of the four protagonists are a match for each other! And then Ardyn appeared and made me weak in the knees. So Ardyn x Noctis but also just because those the truly most favorite characters: Ardyn x Ignis. Not exactly the fluffy happy stuff, I can tell you that. Manipulation, angst, abuse it had it all.

I can’t talk about Final Fantasy and leave Kingdom Hearts out, so yeah I started as a typical Sora x Riku (not Rikku from FF 10) fangirl and with part 2 I also feel for Axel x Roxas. I know, I know but at least with Organisation 13 you had a whole bunch of shippable characters. Just make one or two of them your shipping bitch, in my case Xemnas and Xigbar and ship the shit out those guys with everybody you can think of in the organisation.

And when we are already talking about Kingdom Hearts, I just jump into Disney a bit. Like every girls dream was to find their prince, ect and I was like: yeah Mulan and Shan Yu seem to fit nicely… Frollo is a fucking ass creep, but damn that scene in the cathedral when he sniffs Esmeraldas hair… Jasemine you look good in that red slave outfit for Jafar to be honest and dear Adam, you should have stayed a beast for Belle. Happy ruining your childhood. You’re welcome. :D Not that I shiped those during seeing those movies the first time, but you know I rewatch stuff!

Good okay let’s check the watch… good 1 hour later…. I’m not gonna finish this any time soon…. I’m sorry. I just tried to make a list of ships that seem important to me and I would probably write another hour or two. I just hope this satisfies you for the moment ;)

If you or anybody else wants to hear about more video game, movies or series ships and me writing an essay about that shit… feel free to ask I guess LMAO

Good Night dear people (or maybe not I see 15 messages on my dash)

#ask me #armada #too many fucking fandoms to tag!!

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justwriting34 · 5 years ago

Text

The Umbrella Academy. Netflix’s (new) hit show, or well I think it’s a hit, but I am not a great judge of shows. It’s my type of show. It’s crazy, without shoving your face in the crazy. It doesn’t take itself too seriously, while still having serious moments. It has a talking monkey, seriously, could you think of a better show? It has romance, just not enough that you feel like a kid after the perfect Halloween score. It has action, just not so much action you’re in a slaughter house, or a b rated action movie with ½ price Bruce Willis. It has time travel, that realizes that time travel doesn’t make sense. And damn it, it has the talking monkey.

How can anyone not love a show like that? I sure have to like it. The show didn’t give me much of a choice. And it isn’t like some shows that Stockholm Syndrome you into loving it. I loved it at first sight, because of the monkey. We get it, you must be thinking a lot about the monkey, you love the monkey, we get that. First off, it’s a monkey butler, that’s a very different thing. And don’t go quoting me saying that I was only referring to him as the monkey or the talking monkey or even a talking monkey. It won’t work. I won’t listen even if you are right. Which you might be. And honestly, I don’t really like the monkey, well no more than any one likes a talking monkey. I mean come on we all have a soft spot for Curious George and that monkey doesn’t even really talk, the man with the yellow hat, just makes us think we can understand him. That monkey could just be talking about throwing poo all the time and we would have no way of knowing that. But no the talking monkey butler, bet you didn’t think I knew that, can tell us what is going on. But that monkey butler is not my favorite character, or even in my top ten. Which is something special considering there are only a little over ten characters in the show.

No, my favorite character is Klaus, though I am probably more like Vanya then I would like to admit, but I’ll circle back to that in a moment, let me take a moment to talk about my favorite character Klaus. Klaus is the crazy fun that I wish that I could be. Not the drugs part, don’t do drugs kids, stay in school, ok now that I have that PSA (brought to you by the crazy rantings of a girl behind a computer), out of the way, I want to take a moment to do an appreciation paragraph about the wonderful Klaus.

Klaus is the crazy we all need in our lives. He makes the world seem just a little bit different, a little more interesting. He adds perfect comedic timing to the group, and he does it at just the right time. So, yeah Klaus is freaking amazing. Oh, and as an added note he looks great in a skirt.

See an appreciation paragraph. Now, onto Vanya. I see myself in Vanya, a lot more than anyone would like to admit. Hold it. Freeze. Yes, I mean you too. Don’t think about what I just said too much. I had a normal childhood. Well, normalish? But really, when you think about it, don’t we all have a few messed up things about our childhood. One or two things that give us that special little quirk. That little oddity, that would make people tilt their head. Yeah, well I had those. But for the most part I am normal. My childhood was normal, and my parent’s well they were as normal as parents can be. And I am not saying there aren’t a few things that my parents did that made me a little messed up, but isn’t that life. You’re a kid and you see things that your parents did wrong, even if it just one or two things, and you vow to do things differently, so then you screw up your own kids in a unique and different way, well that’s me, and that’s what I believe, but I may or may not still believe in the Easter Bunny, my traps are going to get that monster one of these days, so you probably shouldn’t take anything that I believe beyond face value.

Anyway, that got off topic, I mean I have no idea if there was even a point to all of that rambling, you know I have heard people call my writing pedantic before, and I never agreed with them until just now. I mean, I ended up talking about my plans to catch the Easter Bunny and not stay on the topic that I am supposed to be on. And now I am being pedantic about being pedantic, that takes a new level of crazy, or narcissism. I just love my writing so much, or maybe I just love to write so much.

Stopping that, and going back to the topic on hand, Vanya. Well, really, the topic is why Vanya and I are so similar. It’s simple really. I apologize for existing to. I never really thought about it that way before though. I just assumed I was apologizing for things that I should have done better, but no I have been apologizing for existing. I didn’t even realize that I was doing until there was that line about apologizing just for existing. Which is weird because, I always wanted to be an actress, ever since I was little, but I as I grew up, instead of still wanting to be in the spotlight I wanted to disappear. But this isn’t about that, not really anyway. We will spin back to why it is a little important in a moment.

But let me first say this, if I could draw I would. I would draw a kickass picture of Klaus in a skirt, maybe I would even add the talking monkey butler, yes, I know his name is Pogo, but give me a little credit for this bit. If I was good at outfits and designing and such nonsense I would cosplay as Mother. I know I just threw a curve ball or whatever the comic equivalent of that is. But you must love mother’s style. I mean it’s a classic elegance you can’t beat that. Well, maybe except for Klaus and a skirt, but I’m a girl and I can’t pull off a skirt like Klaus. Truth be told I only really have three talents.

First acting. As I’ve said before, being an actress has been my goal since I was very little. My problem is auditioning, and auditioning seems to be a very big part of the whole thing of being an actress, so in this case that talent seems a little bit useless. That talent in this case would be useless, most likely, in this case no matter if I could audition or not. Of course, like many of the other things I say hold onto that most likely because, of course, I will be coming back to that. Now my other two talents seem to be much more important now and much more important with why I started writing this in the first place.

The second one, as you hopefully, noticed my mediocre ability to write. I have seen that I have the smallest ability to write something that is readable and at least entertaining enough to keep you occupied, while doing menial tasks. Such as, but not limited to, using the bathroom, waiting at the dentist office, waiting at the DMV, procrastinating on doing any work that is much more important than my writing, that work seems hard and you really don’t want to start on a weird time or whatever else excuse you’re using the moment. And besides all that I’m almost done with this one, I think, I never can tell with my ramblings.

Last talent that I seem to have been bestowed is my vivid sometimes overused imagination. Now, what do you get when you have a writer with too much time, a laughably vivid imagination, and an extremely engaging and wonderful little show?

If you guessed a fanfiction with the author, no let me get this straight, I need to make sure that I get this right, a persona of the author, playing a major part, I would like you all to give yourselves a pat on the back, for the ones who didn’t get it right let me say you should stop reading this right now. Who my kidding? You’re not going to stop reading this. You aren’t going to go start your task they need to do. The dentist hasn’t just called you. And honestly you probably still have about two hours to wait at the DMV. Oh, as the right ones have guessed, this is a giant, wind bagged, and yes pedantic, way of introducing the fact that I have decided to put my writing of my Umbrella Academy fanfiction out not the real world.

Now, about five disclaimers though most of the people that I am addressing in this disclaimer had already written me, I’m sure, five Twitter messages ten emails, and twenty-five mean spirited letters, and have just ignored this disclaimer. And I know, this feels like the disclaimer to a medicine commercial, half the people aren’t paying attention, a quarter is going to still get upset when it happens to them and the last quarter are paying attention, but it doesn’t pertain to them. Also no one really watches regular tv that much anyway, they all have Netflix, free product placement.

First disclaimer, this is only based on the show. I bought the comic and I plan on reading it, I just haven’t had the time yet. And if I get interest, I may write one like the one I am currently writing with all of the information from the comics. Secondly, I’m doing this for fun, so please take it easy on me, if you like it, tell me, if you don’t tell me, if you think there are a few things I need to fix tell me, just do it nicely. Remember my writing may seem like I am a hot and legal combination of Klaus and Number Five, I am really just a Vanya at heart, so be delicate.

Thirdly, if either dark horse or Netflix asks me to take it down, it’s down without questions. I would hate for someone to not do the same for me.

Fourthly and lastly, promise, if Netflix and the writers want to take my twist on the story, let me a least fail at auditioning for a character that is basically me.

So, I hope you love my writing as much as I love Klaus, and the show, and hope you are a little more interested in it than I am in butler monkey.

Oh, and one more thing, I am going to be writing in both first person and third person. Me, or the character who I fantasize about being, is going to be told in first person. And scenes my character is not in will be third.

This is the opening for my blog which anyone who likes fanfiction, Umbrella Academy, and/or crazy rantings that might actually make sense, check it out. http://umberllacoverage.home.blog

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#the umbrella academy #umbrella acedmy #klaus #i love klaus #I'mVanya #Fanfiction

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girl-in-the-library · 6 years ago

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Thoughts on Fandom

Lurking in the Deltarune tag, I see the Undertale fandom coming back to life. Some people are celebrating and some people are groaning, others are still fearful that the fandom might return to the mess and wank it was full of before.

And it just makes me think more about fandom in general. The idea of fandom is endlessly fascinating to me. For some it's a place of fun, or a safe space, or a space of casual interest. For others it's an obsession, or a place to assert themselves, or be important. But it's my philosophy that, as long as you're not hurting others or yourself, it's impossible to do fandom wrong.

This got much longer than I thought so I'm putting it under a cut.

I have run a panel at Anime Boston for the past two years, and I hope to run it again, called "Fandom as Coping" - in it, I discuss some of the positive aspects of fandom, using it as a coping mechanism for a myriad of reasons, but also discuss how it can become maladaptive and do more harm than good. Fandom is a double edged sword like that. But curating your experience in fandom is the best way to keep it as a healthy, positive influence in your life. When it comes to causing harm to yourself, be cautious of using fandom in an obsessive way. I know what it’s like for fandom to be literally the only thing getting you through the day. In January 2018, and again in August 2018, if I didn’t have Yuri on Ice to come home to, I might literally be dead. It was the only thing getting me through the day. And while that’s a more positive coping skill than say, self-harm, if I continued that way and hadn’t gotten the help I needed (partial and full hospitalizations, in January and August respectively), using fandom to ignore my problems and try to keep going when I obviously couldn’t would have been to my detriment. The people who you interact with in fandom can also be a big part of this.

Fandom communities can be wonderful and uplifting, but they can also be an echo chamber of toxicity. If you interact with friends you know irl, or make friends on a one to one level, it’s easier to find the positives. That’s not to say that larger groups or communities can’t be supportive. But if you find yourself in a place where people are constantly putting you down, or if everyone is stuck in a spiral of depression, it might not be the healthiest place for getting better. Of course, you may need a place to vent, a place to feel like you belong, or a place to escape. Fandom can do all of those things. But you need to be careful. If you get stuck in a community that is not healthy, it can be hard to escape, especially if you feel like it’s the only place where people understand you. If you are having trouble irl, and trouble online, it’s likely that you need to seek professional help. If you are having trouble in only one of these places it’s still likely you need to seek professional help. Therapy is not a weakness.

Though fandom ISN’T just a negative place. You can find very supportive communities, and make long lasting friendships. And even if they’re only temporary friendships, they might be what you need at the time, and that is still positive! In fandom, you can find people who share your interests, people who will help you cope, help distract you, and a place to belong. You just need to be able to judge whether or not you’re in a healthy space, which can be hard to do.

For me, fandom has almost always been positive, and that's largely due to the way I interact with fandom. When I have bordered on using it maladaptively, that was more due to my mental illness causing obsessive and compulsive tendencies than because I was interacting with anything or anyone in fandom in a toxic way, so that's a little more personal. But fandom can be maladaptive as a coping mechanism OR just generally a bad influence in your life, if that’s how you’re using it. If you get stuck in a negativity spiral, it can be hard to get out of it. Sometimes you just need to take a step back, and sometimes you need to start over.

This is all on an individual level, and based largely in creating communities. But fandom is also a collective, and the works involved (fanfiction, fanart, cosplay, meta, et cetera) play a big role in how fandom works, and often create drama and wank.

My fandom experience has been largely defined by interaction on an individual level with specific people, getting lost in the crowd at conventions, and sometimes cosplaying or writing fanfiction. Because of this, I have avoided a lot of wank and drama that seems typical in many fandoms. Though I have gotten into an ill-advised argument on a forum once or twice, my fandom experience has been largely positive because of this way that I interact.

Now, I know that not everyone can choose to simply interact like I do. Big Name Fans, for example, get involved in drama whether they want to or not, simply because they wrote or drew or cosplayed or meta'd something popular. They become voices for the fandom, and people love them for it and hate them for it. But still, BNFs and other popular fans are still just fans. They're people who have opinions about the works they love, but get embroiled in controversy because they happen to be popular. Of course, there are fandom famous, or fandom infamous people who are toxic, who do hurt others, and who deliberately stir shit. These are not the people I'm talking about. You'll find people like that in any fandom, in any part of life if we're being realistic, and the best thing to do in those situations is to just not interact. It's hard to walk away sometimes, I know, but shit-stirrers need an audience, they need people to preach to and get riled up. Without that, they'll (hopefully) fade away. But for those famous fans who are here to have a good time and share what they love - share with them! It's okay to admire them, to strive to be a better writer or artist or what have you, but they're still people who just want to interact with their favorite media.

Now, I'm not anywhere near a BNF, I'm a mediocre writer and cosplayer, and I just do it for fun, so I've never been put in a position where I've been forced to interact with a negative side of fandom. I know it's not easy to ignore in those cases. I guess my point there, in general, is don't be an asshole to anyone, and be excellent to each other.

The other biggest complicating factor that I see is the age disparity in fandom. I'm not even going to talk about something like My Little Pony right now, because that's more than I can tackle, but I'm thinking, for example, of when I was in the Homestuck fandom.

I was 18 when I started in the Homestuck fandom, and it was about 2 or 3 years old at that point. If I had started reading at the beginning of when it came out, I would have been about 15. I don't know what the audience of Problem Sleuth was like, but my first year in the fandom seemed to me like it was primarily people in my age range who were the most involved. Of course, I can't know that for certain, and I'm not even sure what I'm defining as my age range here (15-25???) But the thing about Homestuck is that it got bigger very quickly. The older fans were getting older and new fans were coming in younger and younger.

The Homestuck fandom had one of the widest age ranges I had ever seen, and that made it difficult, it many ways, to interact. The best thing for adults in fandom to do is tag their content, and do whatever they can to keep kids from getting to what may be inappropriate. But it's not the stranger's responsibility if a kid seeks out vore inflation a/b/o or whatever the kids are seeking, as long as it's tagged appropriately. That's the parent's responsibility. And to an extent, the kid's as well. If a kid wants to see boobs on the internet, almost any kid these days knows how to find boobs on the internet. Depending on the kid's age, it's up to the parents to put up parental blocks or monitor a kid's usage. With safe search as the default on Google nowadays, it isn't like the "olden times" where a quick search for a whoopie pie recipe brings up nothing but porn. But if you type in "boobs" you still get boobs.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that kids aren't 100% responsible for their own fandom interaction because, depending on their age, they might not know any better yet. Now, there's a difference between a 16 year old and a 9 year old. A 16 year old knows what they're doing, and if they want a/b/o inflation porn, they're going to find it, and they might even get mad once they do because it's adult content and they're still kids, who want to be treated as adults. At that point, they're likely curating their own internet experience, and that's a gray area that's still being worked out. A 16 year old is still a minor, but when it comes to the internet, at least, they’re generally minors who are left to their own devices. Teenagers at that age are also notoriously contrary and rebellious, so if you put tags and say, “Minors do not interact!” they’re quite possible going to say, “Fuck you” and interact anyway. You can’t control them. You can only control yourself, so that’s what you need to do. Don’t interact with them, if you can avoid it. If they start confrontation, walk away. And it’s true, you can’t always tell a 16 year old from a 9 year old from a 40 year old on the internet, or any age from any other age, but my advice is still the same. Avoid interacting with negativity, hate, and confrontation in fandom. Just walk away.

(There are some situations where this doesn’t apply, of course, but I think that in fandom, where the primary purposes are to have fun and interact with other fans of things that you like because you like the same things, walking away from confrontation is a good idea. When it comes to things like politics, for example, I think you need to avoid the trolls, but standing up for yourself and others, even if it means confrontation, is a different story. But this isn’t about politics, this is about fandom, and not all places on the internet are created equal. Politics is of course relevant in fandom, but if it’s JUST about fandom, you don’t need to start flame wars or ship wars, or even fight in them. You CAN just walk away, even if people yell at you or make fun of you for it. Just keep ignoring them. But I digress.)

9 year olds, on the other hand, need help on the internet. You can't control what they do either, but again, it's not the stranger's job to curate the kid's experience, but the parents. Just make sure you tag your stuff so if a parent is looking for something appropriate for their kid, they don't unknowingly give them something inappropriate. A 9 year old, especially in this day and age, knows how to use the internet. And if they’re looking for boobs, they’re probably going to find boobs. But just because they’re looking for boobs doesn’t mean they need to find a/b/o inflation vore porn. If they click on it anyway, it’s highly likely they won’t know what half that stuff means, but they still might be disturbed by it. Again, it’s not that stranger’s responsibility, as long as it was marked and tagged appropriately. 9 year olds still need to be supervised, both in general, and on the internet. Just because they’re tech-savvy doesn’t mean Stranger Danger rules don’t apply. Parents in this day and age should be teaching their kids safe internet skills, too.

My experience with fandom, and my ability to create the experience I want with it probably stems from the fact that my parents did curate my online presence when I was young. I was only allowed on sites like Nickelodeon.com and Disney.com until I was 10 or so. When I first got on fanfiction.net, I was 13, I think. And of course at that point I started sneaking around and reading "M" rated fics, but that was my choice. I was old enough to know better, and if something made me uncomfortable, I would click out of it. At that point, I read so voraciously as a kid and a young teen, that I was reading books with erotic content, and I could find the same thing online. My parents never censored what I read when I was old enough to choose for myself what I could read, but they made sure they knew what I was reading. Only once did they ever consider taking a book away from me, and that was when I was 12 reading Dan Simmons “Olympus” - I liked science fiction, and mythology, and wanted to read harder books so that seemed like a good choice. But like any story tangentially related to Greek Gods, there was A LOT of sex. Very, very descriptive, pornographic, literotic, sex. I told my parents about it and we talked about it. They asked if it made me uncomfortable, if I thought that they should read it first before I continued and judge whether or not I could handle it. I said I was okay, we talked about it a little more, and that was that. Even though I may not have been old enough for the content, I was old enough to know what was going on, and to make the choice. The same thing applies to the internet and fanfiction. Tag your fics, tag your art, make your blog 18+ if you are going to primarily post adult content, but parents need to talk with their kids.

A side note, but I once got a CD from my parents for my birthday. It was a Green Day CD, I was maybe turning 11 or 12? And I had expressed interest in Green Day because my friend in middle school played me one of their songs and I liked it. The CD my parents bought me was "Dookie," even though the newest album that had just come out was "American Idiot" - because “American Idiot” had a parental advisory sticker on it and “Dookie” did not. The reason for that was “Dookie: was released before it was necessary to put parental advisory stickers on albums. Thus, they had no idea what they were getting into when they handed their daughter a CD with a secret song titled F.O.D. Tags are important, but they don’t always function properly.

Green Day is still my favorite band.

Regardless, with all the rambling and digressions, my point is CURATE YOUR FANDOM EXPERIENCE. There are situations that make it hard, because you can't always choose who interacts with your content, but what you CAN always choose is the content you interact with. And when it comes to people interacting with YOUR content in a negative way, walk away when you can. (If you think a minor is negatively interacting with your 18+ content, I don’t necessarily know what to do, but my only thought is to block them so they can’t see your content anymore.) Interact with others in a positive way, and for the most part, I find, others will do the same with you.

Fandoms can be great places. They can also be toxic cesspools, because there are bad and toxic people in the world. But if you can, choose your own adventure.

I had a great experience with Homestuck, even amidst all the disaster and misbehavior at the height of Homestuck popularity because of the way I treat fandom.

One of my favorite people is big into Hetalia, and still is! It's one of, if not her number one, favorite fandom. And there's always been a lot going on there, but because of the way she interacts, it's been a great, healthy place for her.

And if Deltarune is giving you feels like it's giving me feels, then by all means, jump back into the Undertale/Deltarune fandom! And don't let hate scare you away.

There will always be bad places on the internet, and sometimes, you can't avoid them. But do your best, and try to create an online fandom experience that will bring you joy, not one that will cause pain to yourself or other people.

#oh the inanity!#fandom #fandom meta #long post #no matter what fandom i'm in now #I will always be a part of fandom culture #and while I'll probably never be a BNF or anything like that #I will do my best to make fandom a pleasant experience for myself and others

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years-n-feather · 4 years ago

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Things I like to do to clear my head

I was feeling a bit stressed some time ago so I decided to make a list with things that help me calm down. I decided to share it with you, so hopefully it could be helpful to some! Of course, these are all personal, meaning they work for me, and don't have to work for everyone. Feel free to reblog and add things that work for you ❤️

Make lists

As you might have noticed, I really like making lists. It helps me calm down and keeps my brain active, but not busy. Try making lists of your favourite things.

Take quizzes

I tried to add at little things that you can do online, as I find that you get distracted easily. Though I find taking quizzes very relaxing. Something about answering questions about yourself is just do nice to me.

Colour in colouring pages

I always really love colouring, but I only like really simple colouring pages, or I get way too ambitious. Something of my favorite cartoons should do fine. Don't try to make it looks perfect, just have fun!

Try out make-up

I personally never wear make-up, but I do like playing around making over the top looks. It's mostly just lipstick and a ton of eyeshading, but I just find it fun to mess around with colours. Also looking nice makes me feel nice.

If you don't like make-up you could also just dress up, see if you can make a budget cosplay with the clothes you have at home.

Listen to music

This one's pretty standard. Just put on some songs that make you happy. I personally put on one of Katy Perry's old albums.

Make music

Something that always helps me calm down is by making music. This can either be playing an instrument you like, or playing around with programs like Garageband or Bleepbox (those are just suggestions of what I use, since they're free). I also really like to sing. Sometimes I go out for a walk and search for a quiet place, where I can sing without bothering anyone.

Puzzle or play games

If you have anyone at home you can play like a boardgame or cardgame with, go play something with them! You could also play something yourself or make a puzzle or something. You could of course also play a relaxing video game, (like Animal Crossing) alone or online with friends.

Think up questions

This one is sort of similar to making lists, you can keep your mind active without it being too much. You can just think of the most silly and random questions you can think of, and try to think of an answer.

Read

I actually really love to read, but I often find myself not making much time for it. The trick is to find a book that you're intrested it. Maybe read the first page to see if it speaks to you. Also, don't force yourself to read something you don't like. I just found this 140k+ word fanfiction on Archive of Our Own and I love reading it a lot. Because I love it so much, I find myself making more time so I can read it.

Write something short

I also love writing, but after so many words, I often get demotivated. So I'd say, write something fun and short, just a drabble. It doesn't have to be perfect!

Watch tv

Watch some of your favourite shows! When I'm feeling a bit down, I often prefer to watch something fun and lighthearted. Actually, I always prefer something fun and lighthearted, but I'm upset, even more so. Maybe watch something you used to love as a kid. Or maybe something that is from the same time period, but you never got to watch when you were a kid. Discovering new show is most always fun.

Build blanket fort

I used to do this ALL THE TIME! It's so much fun, just creating your own comfy cave. After your fort is done, you can sit in it and maybe read or write something, or listen to music.

Take a walk in nature

Some fress air always helps me calm down. I really love trees, so I prefer to go to the forest to just walk and think. Sometimes draw. But you can also go to a park or anything that's close to your home.

Spend time with your pets

Spending time with pets is proven to decrease loneliness, calm anxiety, ease social discomfort and reduce emotional pain, so if you have pets or are able to have one, I recommend spending time with them. You can pet them, talk to them, or even read them something or tell them a story. If you don't have pets, you can also do this with stuffed animals. I know it sounds a bit weird, but a study from UV University Amsterdam suggests that touching a stuffed animal, especially among those who have low self-esteem, helps to relieve existential angst.

Sources: WebMD, Healthyplace

Craft something with the things you have at home

I personally have a lot of old crafting materials at home, so I decided to make something with it. I found a box with beads in it, and decided to make bracelets with the names of my favorite cartoon characters on them. They turned out adorable! I'm very happy with them. I made one for my sister as well, and she's very happy with it as well. It was very fun to make, and looking at my bracelet makes me very proud. I know it's just something silly, but that's okay as long as it brings you joy.

Write in a dairy or journal

Something that I like to do when I have a lot of thoughts and I kinda want to talk about it to someone but I also kinda don't feel like talking, is writing down my thoughts. I have a little book with a little lock on it, that is not hard at all to break open, but it still makes it feel more safe. I write down everything I feel like sharing. Sometimes even the most stupid things, but like I said, it's okay. It's not like that book's going to judge you. I put my dairy next to my bed, as most of the times I start overthinking things when I'm trying to sleep. It's the perfect way to clear up my head a bit.

#selfcare #stress #anxiety

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confettiagenda · 7 years ago

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My mom was watching TV in the living room. I was at an age where I demanded my mother explain every plot, symbol, and definition. Whoopi Goldberg was crying on screen. “Mom, why is she crying?”

“Because she’s a lesbian.” Huh. I didn’t expect such a simple answer. “What’s a lesbian?” “It’s a woman who likes other women.” “What do you mean?” My mother looked a little angry. “She wants to be with other women like you would be with a man.”

My mind was blown. What!? How, why!? Staring at the screen, my mother replied, “somethings not right in her brain.” I wasn’t used to such short exchanges with my mother, who usually provided so much detail. I thought that maybe this wasn’t something I could understand. I felt sorry for Whoopi.

Like I had been hoping all along, one day a girl came over to the table I was sitting at and asked me about what I was drawing. Anime. She smiled, brought out her notebook. She liked it too. Recognition. We were friends immediately. I started to like going to school.

I went out of my way to look for her, and felt so excited when we would run into each other. She showed me her drawings which were so, so good. Better than mine - I was impressed and captivated. We liked really different shows, but I appealed to her tastes because I wanted us to be the best of friends.

I realized, after a few months of terrible Naruto cosplay and forced crack-shipping, that I loved her. I never felt this way about anyone! I guessed I was a “Lesbian,” or maybe I was “bisexual,” (that was starting to be really hit popular on the ol’ Internet,) and I was perfectly fine with that. Happy, even. I didn’t really believe we would ever be together, because we were too young anyhow. I got to be around her. I held onto my crush dearly and personally.

“Dear V,

I have a secret to tell you. You have to promise not to tell anyone. Please, please don’t tell anyone. I think I have a crush on J. I really, really like her... like I want to kiss her. I think I’m bisexual.

[doodles]

Anyway, see you later. Don’t tell anyone!!!!

- Liz”

“Dear Liz,

That’s ok to feel that way, but I don’t think you’re a lesbian or anything - I also felt that way about our friend M, but I was just mistaking feelings of strong friendship for love. I think that happens a lot, so don’t worry. See you later!

[doodles]

- V”

She didn’t say anything wrong, really, and I thought maybe she was right. But I still felt a little bit offended.

I’d been hinting to my mother that I was having romantic feelings towards a girl. One day, after one of these hints, she asked me with this sort of weary eyed grimacing face, “You’re not a lesbian, are you?” I laughed like it could make a wall between me and the point, with some panic mixed in. I howled my ‘no’s to her. She started laughing too. “Don’t scare me like that.” We were both reaching the ends of our chuckles like there was some kind of mutuality.

That night, I went into my parents room as my mother was falling asleep, and in the dark I reminded her of my little joke. I couldn’t read her face, and maybe that’s what made me feel safe enough to tell her. I liked my friend. I didn’t know if I was gay, but I liked her. My mother, looking practically serene, smiled and said she was glad I told her, and that it was OK, and at least she didn’t have to worry about me getting pregnant.

Happy happy happy! How EASY that was! Relief! Joy! I went to sleep and everything was fine.

If I knew my mother as well then as I do now, I would have been able to able to look at her face that night and know immediately that it wasn’t right. I would have been able to look into her eyes and see the terror. You know that image caption that says, “[INTERNALLY SCREAMING]?” That was her then, and I know that because every time we get bad news, that’s the face. That’s what I’m reminded of. She was in panic.

I can’t say what happened exactly on that day I came home from school, but I know that my mother sobbed in her chair in the living room, and when I came in she left. I know that over the next month, my mother did not look at me, would not speak to me. I know that she cried every single night. I could hear my brother and her upstairs, speaking about me:

“She’s a fucking lesbian?”

“[Sobs, muffled whispers.]”

“That’s disgusting. She didn’t tell anyone, did she?”

I felt my face getting hot. I was so embarrassed. Yes, I told people. I’d humiliated my entire family. I hated myself.

Once my mother and I were on speaking terms again - sort of - I apologized. She still wasn’t looking at me. I thought I must have disgusted her. Still, I had to be me. “I could still end up with a boy, mom,” I reasoned, “I don’t think I’m a lesbian. I’m bisexual.” She laughed and shook her head.

“There’s no such thing as bisexual. You’re either gay or straight.” I was annoyed, because I was pretty sure she was wrong. Where’d she even get that idea? (To this day, I still don’t know.) “Bisexual is just something people say because they don’t want to admit they’re gay, or it’s a phase. So maybe this is just a phase.”

My mother must have known more than me. “Well, maybe.”

My parents made me see a therapist to ‘work through it.’ They hated J and I didn’t hang out with her much after that. We had a falling out. It was unrelated.

I was reading a lot of fanfiction. I loved it more than anything. Most days I would be in school, thinking about a story that had me pacing around my basement in anguish just the previous night, dying to get home and read more.

When I came through the door, my mother was crying into her hands again.

“Elizabeth,” she said in a quiver, wrecked with sobs, “You cannot read this stuff anymore.” Wiping her face, she wailed, “THIS IS SMUT!” Picture, “The Scream.” I didn’t even know what she meant by that - ‘smut.’ It was funny, because I’d already read so, so much worse. She had no idea. My brain wasn’t ever going to be clean again.

By the way, it wasn’t anything remotely close to ‘smut.’ My mother can be a huge drama queen.

I told her I would never, ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever read it again.

I kept that promise for like, an hour.

I am 23 as I write this. About a year ago, I told my mother that I loved my boyfriend and I hoped we would be together and have a family. But that didn’t mean I was straight, and if I started to like a girl, I wouldn’t hate myself or be afraid of that. She laughed and said, “You just say these things to push my buttons, don’t you?”

Of course I didn’t. I meant it. But it’s still not as easy as I like to think it is, and a lot of the things that happened in my childhood resonate. Sometimes I feel envious of these coming out stories I read, where the parents accept them immediately, and the person has some funny, shocked reaction to that. What is that supposed to mean for kids like me? That we should tell our parents without fear? That maybe our parents will accept us? That’s great for you lucky few, but that’s not my story. My mother loves me, but that’s not how it always goes, even with love. To all those with kinda shitty coming out stories, or who are still in the closet because of the family they love - my heart goes out to you.

Ah well, this is poorly written anyhoo. I just had to get it off my chest and actually finish something.

#personal #self #journal #coming out #lesbian #lgbt #bisexual #coming of age #short story #homophobia #bad parenting #coming out story

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squeemcsquee · 6 years ago

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Anime Zap 2019, Saturday

Cosplay/Dressing Fun at Anime Zap 2019

Anime Zap 2019, Friday

So, Saturday for Anime Zap. I think here is where my ideal schedule went straight down the crapper. Now, that doesn’t mean I didn’t get to do things I wanted - I did. But it does mean I at this point totally abandoned my “ideal” schedule and just went with the flow for the day.

As to how that turned out, well, look under the cut.

Running late seemed to be our thing this weekend. Our friend Cody had misread the schedule for when his first preferred panel began, The Way of the Samurai. Since Cody doesn’t have a vehicle of his own, we swung by his place to grab him. He lives by several Pokestops, so I did get an early start on my Pokemon Go for the day.

We made it to the con just a few minutes late for his panel, and ran into @someoldmemory and our new friend Liz, coming out of the Teaching Disability Awareness Thru Anime, looking a bit unhappy. Since they hadn’t had a good time, it was decided that the girls would go kick some Pokemon butt while the guys went to learn about samurai.

We kicked butt...but I didn’t catch it :(

After that, our group split up further. I peeled off from the others, who went to a makeup panel, I headed into The Darker Side of Idol.

This is when I realized I really need to get better at writing faster in a con notebook, or typing notes. Snapping a photo is great here and there for notes, but I would have felt like an asshole snapping a photo of almost every slide.

I came away from the panel with several artists whose sound I want to explore further.

During that panel, I also did something new to me, and posted in the con Facebook page that I was cosplaying Glow Cloud. It honestly made my day when whoever ran the page responded with an “All Hail” post.

I met up with the others for lunch after our respective panels got out. We weren’t sure if Steak n Shake was open yet, but the Zap Facebook page had a note saying the hotel had a special menu in their cafe for attendees.

Yeah, we totally went for this. Great food, great price. It ended up being our dinner too, actually.

After lunch, I took in a little bit of Whose Line Is It Anime? But I ended up not staying too long, in part because I was cosplaying Glow Cloud and since we rebuilt it, I was struggling to find all of the off switches so I wouldn’t distract other attendees. And also, lunch had made me kinda tired, I did enjoy the part of the event that I did see, before bailing to wander around and wake myself up a little.

And I did that by battling Pokemon again. Hey, the weather was actually nice that weekend - I needed to take advantage!

We then headed to the main con again, where I got a bit of an awkward surprise. As I said, I’d commented on the con Facebook page that I was cosplaying Glow Cloud that day. I was getting plenty of greetings in the hall, and then there was a guy who began snapping photos of me. Now, cosplay has actually been helping a bit with some of my social anxiety, but it’s still a mega shock when someone is circling you taking photos with a fancy camera. Turns out he was a photographer for the local paper - yeah, I was pretty stoked when I found that out after the con.

The next panel we attended, Foamsmithing, a Cosplay Armor Workshop, was extremely well-done and informative. I’m not really the crafty one in my group - @el-draco-bizarro sorta handles that for me - but I love learning about technique and stuff all the same. I hope to one day feel brave enough to try making my own props, etc. And learning that a LOT of supplies for crafting cosplay can come from Dollar Tree was great!

I definitely took a few photos for reference later.

We then crept into the latter half of It Gets Better - Anime Con Edition with Greg Ayres. This panel is really one that more cons need. It’s always a little heartbreaking, a little uplifting, and absolutely worth sitting in on.

More hanging around the con followed, and dinner in the hotel cafe again. After that, I’d managed to find one more thing in my collection that Greg Ayres hadn’t signed (my Peacemaker DVDs, to be specific), so I hopped in line for an autograph.

And here, I’m gonna steal @someoldmemory‘s photos from Facebook, because Greg was wearing a shirt that had an awesome effect if you used your camera flash.

More time in the game room followed, where @someoldmemory and I challenged @shbumi and Liz to DDR. They sorta kicked our butts, as they were both far more coordinated than we were.

So, so jealous of their abilities. Gotta get better!

And then, it was time for @lechevaliermalfet‘s next panel, Ars Moriendi: Dark Souls and the Art of Dying. It was his first year for this one, and again, I was experimenting with Facebook Live. This time, I know we lost a few minutes’ footage, since my phone lost internet connection briefly.

All things considered, it went alright. Truthfully, I am not into Dark Souls and next year, if he’s opposite the burlesque again, that’s probably where I’ll be.

After that, it was time for our first (and only) 18+ event of the night: Bad Fanfiction Bingo!

Okay, this was a blast. Seriously. Other than the probably drunk dude in the row near me, who was way too loud, this was great. Here’s an example of a card:

There were candy prizes for bingos. And reading the squares was a big blast to my past, reading absolutely terrible fanfiction, hanging on sporking sites like GAFF, and following the FandomWank journal religiously. Bless you, badfic authors. There are many ways to enjoy your fics and this is one of them. Also, I definitely tried pulling up some of the fics on AO3 as they read off the fandom and the tags. Sometimes I was able to read right along with the panelists.

Durian Mochi Tasting 2.0 followed the bad fanfic panel, for those in our group who had not been part of the experience the night before. Definitely becoming a favorite con memory.

And last but not least for my day, I wandered into the end of the Kid Yuki and the Otakus concert.

I wish I’d had the energy to last further into the night. There was a manga matchmaking panel that’d sounded interesting, and of course, the rave. Seriously, just once, I’d like to be at the rave, especially since Greg Ayres often takes a turn DJing. Sadly, I was too worn down, and so were @lechevaliermalfet and @shbumi. So we headed out,

And that was how I wrapped my Saturday at Zap, 2019

Next up, Anime Zap 2019, Sunday

#anime zap 2019 #anime zap #convention review #convention report #prose and cons

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satanandmeappreciation · 8 years ago

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Spotlight #21 - HippyWhippy (Toastie)

Tell us a bit about yourself! I’m Toastie! I’m a content creator who specializes in disappointing my family by writing smut and never fully completing ideas. I’m 19 years old and I’m currently trying to get my diploma in Early Childhood Care. I’m hoping people like me will normalize both heavily modified and queer people in careers that center around babies and children. I can eat a whole burger in about 30 seconds.

When did you get into the fandom and how did you stumble upon it? I’ve been involved in the SaM fandom since it was created in 2014! I was following Orange and her askblogs before then.

Who are your favorite characters/pairings? My favourite characters are Anthea, Jophiel, and of course, Archangel Michael! I don’t have any specific favourite pairings and I love shipping everyone with everyone.

Favorite moment in the comic? The earlier update where Michael confronted Natalie in the coffee shop. Those were simpler days.

What is your biggest inspiration as far as your writing goes? I take a lot of inspiration from other fanfictions that I’ve read, mainly the original ones I read as a 13/14 year old.

What would you say is your favorite piece that you’ve done so far? My favourite piece hasn’t actually been published yet! But it’s only a matter of time.

What would you say is one of your favorite things to write? Smut and fluff are definitely my favourites! Long, plot-intensive fics aren’t what I like to read, so I don’t write them often either.

What do you think influences your writing style? My mood at the time, as well as whatever book or fic I’ve read recently.

What are some of your hobbies you enjoy? Anything crafty! In my spare time I do cosplay, embroidery, gaming, dance, and a bunch of other stuff. Horror is my favourite genre, and in the future I’d like to incorporate it more into my work.

Before joining SaM, what was a fandom you were part of and are there any fandoms you’re into outside of SaM? Before SaM I was mostly involved in a bunch of embarrassing animes and DC comics- all of the cringy fics I wrote for them are still available online. Is there anything else you’d like the fandom to know about you or anything you’d like to say to the fandom as a whole? Notes on tumblr do not define your talents or you as a person. As long as you enjoy what you do, your craft is worth it.. Also, vaccinate your kids.

Please check out Toastie’s blog for more great fics and art!

Fic tag: http://hippywhippy.tumblr.com/tagged/maddy’s+fics (NSFW)

Art tag: http://hippywhippy.tumblr.com/tagged/my-art

Art blog: http://oh-no-its-my-art.tumblr.com/ (NSFW)

#satan and me #thisiskindagross #hippywhippy #spotlight

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avenger-hawk · 8 years ago

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Tagged by: @someone-who-is-there, @shisuicune and @eeliiii

Thanks to all of you ✨🐰🐙🐟🐣🐦🐬✨

(veeeery long post under the cut)

@someone-who-is-there‘s questions:

1. Name three people you admire.

Margherita Hack, an astrophysicist, animal rights supporter, political activist and self-proclaimed atheist (but when she talked about space you could see how spiritual she was).

Samantha Cristoforetti, astronaut, the first Italian woman who went to space, he first person who brewed a coffee in space, also the first person who cosplayed in space (she’s a Trekkie, she brought her Star Trek uniform with her)

Giordano Bruno, philosopher and cosmological theorist who hypothesized many planets, star systems and universes (a sort of multiverse as it’s called today), in the Renaissance, when they still believed that everything rotated around the Earth, who believed in reincarnation and pantheism and who was burnt alive for heresy in Rome.

2. Using one word, how would you describe your friends?

Noisy. Sometimes I forget why we’re friends, even~

3. What is the sound you love the most?

Birds chirping, it makes me happy.

4. What fictional character do you wish you could meet?

Uh I’m not sure, I could go for an obvious Naruto universe character but wouldn’t it be too obvious? Also which one would I choose? There are too many..from the Uchiha clan and outside, like Team Taka. So I’ll choose Data from Star Trek Next Generation, an inspiring positive universe and a very human android.

5. What’s the worst thing you did as a kid?

I’ll choose a worst-funny thing. When I was baptised I was a little older than other kids (my mom wanted to wait but she was pressured and eventually she accepted) and I never had sweets because my mom was attentive to healthy food. But I was restless during the ceremony and it was a collective baptism with random kids, in this huge ancient church with catacombs, so some random lady gave me a candy to make me shut up. I went on a sugar high and when the priest took me in his arms and put my head on the baptism water tank (how is it even called haha) I freaked out and thrashed and yelled at him to put me down saying things like “let me go I’ll kick your ass”...something that my parents didn’t teach me, but kids are sponges so how knows where I learned that from~

6. What’s the toughest decision you made this year?

Shave my head on new year’s day, to get rid of the hair pulling impulse with a shock treatment and let hair regrow properly. Stress comes in many ways, and when you bottle it up eventually stuff will happen. Currently they’re super short except for a couple of bangs in the front. The toughest thing was to say it, not to do it, as it was regarded as an irrational decision while to me it was completely rational, although hard. I suspect the hardest part will arrive in summer, when I won’t be able to wear beanies and hats or a wig. And uh, I’m mentioning this in detail for the first time, so it’s kind of important I guess.

7. What makes you nostalgic?

I’m not very nostalgic of the past, I’m more nostalgic of things that haven’t happened yet, and probably never will.

8. What superpower would you most like to have?

Mind reading/manipulating, including animals so I could communicate with them. Basically the sharingan, plus animals.

9. What do you want new people you meet to think about you?

Uh I don’t really care but sure I don’t want them to think I’m stupid or incompetent.

10. What’s the moment you left childhood behind?

Sometimes I feel like I haven’t left it yet, sometimes I feel like I never was one, as I always overthought things.

@shisuicune‘s questions:

1. Your favorite childhood memory?

I’m not sure if I have one favourite. But when I think about my childhood what first comes to mind is me playing in the garden with tiny toys, making up their adventures in my head, the grass and flowers as a forest. Also I have a memory of me playing in the garden of some cool elegant house, knowing that inside there is a party. I remember the garden very well and the other kid vaguely. But my parents said they never took me to such place so~

2. How do you take your coffee/tea?

I don’t like tea and I take my coffee dark and bitter as hell~

3. Favorite books?

The Little Prince (A. De Saint Exupéry), Fictions (J.L. Borges)

4. Which fictional character(s) do you see as a role model, or has influenced you significantly in your life? :3

I tend to admire characters who think independently, have strong feelings that run deep, have visionary ideas and aren’t afraid to to whataver it takes towards their goal.

5. If you could change the ending of any work of fiction, which would it be and how would you change it?

Naruto of course. This is what I’d do more or less~

6. If a genie granted you 3 wishes, what would they be?

To have their powers myself so technically I’d have unlimited wishes~

(oh and world peace and no more animals killed)

7. Do you have any pets? If so, what are their name(s)?

I have 2 dogs called Toffee and Paolino, 1 cat called Mordicchio (like Futurama’s Nibbler), 1 occasionally visiting cat called Matisse (I didn’t name him, I prefer Van Gogh haha), aaand I set up a table in my garden for birds to come by and eat, I consider them my pets as well since they call me if I’m late in giving them food.

8. If you could live (or regularly visit) any place in the world, where would it be?

So many places, Japan, Northern Europe (uh watching Vikings kinda made me dream of those places), Prague again, the UK and not just London, also New Zealand and Australia.

9. Your favorite movie(s)?

Dark City, Cloud Atlas, Interstellar, Moon..there is definitely a pattern that has to do with (un)reality.

10. If someone were to write a biography about you someday, what should it be titled?

“Reality isn’t real”...or, something taken from an AFI song.

@eeliiii ‘s questions:

1. What are your hobbies?

Reading, writing fanfictions (also an original story-not a fanfic), making sugarpaste figurines, taking walks and watching birds. Oh and thinking about..everything. Just 20 minutes ago I tried to direct a fly towards the open window but it was stuck on the glass and wouldn’t realize that the real open part was close to where it was, and I thought it was a metaphor for reality. Luckily the fly found its way, in case anyone’s wondering.

2. Going to repeat but I’m curious~ Who are your favourite fictional characters?

Sasuke, Itachi, Madara, Shisui, Karin and Team Taka from Naruto, Renji and Byakuya from Bleach, Sesshomaru from Inuyasha, Light Yagami from Death Note, Takagi from Bakuman, Arya Stark from Game Of Thrones, Kara Thrace from Battlestar Galactica.

3. How do you think we’ve come upon to existing in this world?

Well I do believe in evolution but I also agree with those theories saying that human evolution was “boosted” by an alien civilization's contribution. Also, these “aliens” might be the creatures that ancient humans considered deities and mythological characters.

4. You have a week to live– what are you going to do?

Say goodbye to who matters, probably say sorry to those I owe it, and spend the remaining time enjoying the weather, my pets, trees and flowers, birds and the night sky to which I’m sure I’ll return.

5. What songs do you sing/hum~?

Anything that pops in my head. If it’s a metal song I just hum the melodic parts tho. Speaking of which, I was humming Roman Sky by Avenged Sevenfold. Which is about Giordano Bruno, so that’s why I had that song in mind.

6. What type of weather do you like most?

All except for excessive heat. I live in a sunny place and I enjoy that, and I also enjoy a gray day with a light rain.

7. What are your favourite colours?

Dark ones, like blue, green, grey.

8. If you get to pick what sort of world to live in– What’s your ideal kind of world would be?

Star Trek TNG world: a future where the Earth is no longer plagued by world hunger, poverty and wars, where the first encounter with an alien race put everything -different races, orientations, beliefs, cultures- into perspective and humanity united under one peaceful flag. No longer driven by materialism and violence, no longer in need to work for enriching themselves or corrupted companies, humans’ use their intellectual abilities to improve themselves through arts and science and knowledge. They build spaceships that allow them to explore the universe, devices that replicate food and objects they need and allow them to communicate with people from other planets, hologram decks where they can create AUs and scenarios from the past, wear costumes and live adventures from books or anything they want.

9. Favourite Artist?

Escher! I love Escher. Also Italian Futurism, Surrealism, and Pre-raphaelites (except for D.G. Rossetti).

10. What are your sinful pleasures?

Writing and reading fanfiction, especially darkfics, especially rare pairings darkfics~

My questions:

1 What was your favourite childhood game?

2 What character would be easier for you to cosplay, as for physical resemblance?

3 What’s your favourite moment in Naruto?

4 What’s your favourite ice cream flavour?

5 Other than naruto what’s your favourite anime/manga?

6 What’s the most expensive thing you ever bought?

7 What’s your pet name, if you have/had one, or how would you call it if you had one?

8 How would you decorate your house/room with no budget (or logic) limits?

9 What’s the weirdest thing you told someone during an argument?

10 What’s the thing you dislike most in fanfics?

I tag:

@admiral-izusasu, @wynillustrates, @renamon15, @tsukiko-hibiki, @eeliiii, @lusciousitachi, @komiya-kun, @kakashitachi, @loonelybird, @verrottweil, @diaboluslapis, @rockabelle and whomever wants to do this~

#thank you all for tagging me #ask meme/tag game #my questions are kind of random because i was interrupted by my friend and my sister at once #who kinda delayed my reply to a cute animal related comment and my edit making and stuff #also i wanted to take a pic and post admiral's gift because it's so cute

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cosmosogler · 8 years ago

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i’m so frustrated i want to scream.

i had a dream about high school. i was hanging out with a japanese girl. i couldn’t understand anything she said and i was trying to figure out a good system to communicate but i couldn’t remember anything or focus on how my hands were moving. i have never had this much trouble with a language barrier and i could not figure out what she wanted.

that was just the start of the day though.

there was that thing with dad, of course. and i’ve been feeling crummy and sore all day. it has never let up. there was a period of about an hour where it hurt so bad i couldn’t move this evening. i felt so sick i couldn’t even feel restless. it was like all my limbs died.

i have had pms symptoms worse than this, of course, but never while actively on birth control. and definitely not when it’s not even the right week yet. i still have two more days before the pill schedule says i’m actually supposed to start. at least i caught it right away and that was, er, uneventful. i do so dislike bathroom adventures.

gotta... set up an appointment with my doctor. again. try something else.

walking wiley was pretty miserable. i had no energy and every time he pulled on the leash my whole upper body ached. thankfully he didn’t seem to find anything especially interesting on our usual route today so i could focus on just moving forward. i think some kids wanted me to stop so they could pet wiley but i just waved at them and kept going because i didn’t want to deal with people. their parents didn’t look too enthusiastic about me coming over at least.

tomorrow i gotta get up an hour early for therapy. so i am writing a little early. after therapy dad wants to go to his mom’s house. i haven’t seen her since, like, before she killed her dog i think? i have never volunteered to go with dad. i think my dad knows i don’t care for her company. then we are picking up asher to start studying for the gre a little bit.

i was completely unable to focus all day despite not moving too much. i didn’t start looking at math gre materials until like twenty minutes ago. i’ve got a couple things bookmarked now... hopefully spending some time on khan academy will help boost his confidence. that’s mostly what the gre is about. not letting it psyche you out. the general gre doesn’t really cover anything over high school, or freshman year of college level. i took it without studying at all and i did way better than i did on the subject test despite spending five months pretty religiously studying.

the worst part about standardized tests is how soul crushing they are. you still feel like you’re bad at it even when you score in the 80th percentile. or you feel like you did pretty good and get 40th percentile. just like my grades!!!

i was hoping maybe since i didn’t have to go to school this semester i could relax a little more. but here i am with my head in my hands worrying about my grades and my lost opportunity and how rusty i’m getting with numbers. i can’t... find higher level physics material to practice with on the internet. where do i go to just, do quantum physics problems every day?? and i gave my quantum book to hogan, so he could keep up with the material... maybe i’ll ask for it back... i’ll have to go back to flag at some point anyway.

i’m too ashamed to even log into facebook because maybe i’ll have gotten a notification from someone i know. or maybe someone will see me online and try to talk to me and they’ll figure out how much of a useless bum i am. i’ve forgotten to even change my skype status from “away” for several days now. i don’t talk in the discord channels...

that feeling of “i feel like a total loser” never went away. i think having to miss another semester of school broke me. it’s hard to motivate myself to even do little things. like send emails. or look at the physics stuff that i ASKED MY PROFESSOR TO SEND ME AND HE KINDLY DID. or heck, even watching tv is a chore! sitting and reading for too long makes me feel sick. i should really be wearing my reading glasses, that might be the problem with the reading. but whenever i think about doing anything i just want to cry.

i feel stupid even talking about anything but work on my tumblr, where i go to talk about how i’m feeling. it’s great. like, i could say i played a lot of pokemon and got extremely frustrated with the luck i was having at the battle tree, but i play pokemon every day. mom and dad judge me pretty hard.

it’s hard to find anything to enjoy when i know that if it’s not work related my parents are going to complain that i don’t do anything useful. i can’t get any fun out of things i used to have a great time doing. i don’t really sit and think in the shower any more, i just kind of stand there and stare at the wall and yell at myself to wash my hair already. i can’t write or draw. well, technically i physically could do those things, but i can’t... put the paper down in front of myself. when i think about it, i just don’t do it. i guess it’s hard because making art again would mean i am trying to take steps to feel better. but i wouldn’t be feeling better fast enough and mom and dad would be like “why did you draw when you could be applying for jobs” and then i would feel even worse.

i can’t start new books or tv shows and i have trouble even picking up new short stories/fanfiction because i would spend time and energy thinking about and talking about that stuff when i could be applying for jobs!!!

i can’t even crawl out of my depression hole good enough. it would be easier for everyone if i was dead. then at least my parents wouldn’t have to spend so much money on me. and my friends wouldn’t have to watch me complain about nothing all the time. and i wouldn’t have to sit here and be myself all day.

haha, the dream i had... i was singing a song and i mixed up the lyrics. it reminded me of last may when i went to comicon and i liked someone’s cosplay and tried to point it out to taylor and i got the character mixed up with a different one right in front of everyone in the elevator. i bet i looked like a real fake gamer girl!!!

not only that, but it was an undertale cosplay, and i know how... intense the fans can be. i wanted to melt into my dress and through the floor.

i hate the way my body looks and it’s so hard for me to cosplay. i get judgmental looks when i try to play along in character a little bit because i don’t commit enough, or i commit too much, or i get disappointed looks when i don’t play along because i’m too nervous. i’m lucky if one person asks to take a picture with me. i should really make my own costumes... i could probably put in just a little more effort and maybe people would like my costumes. but i can’t sew and mom never taught me how to do anything i could use to take care of myself.

everything i learned about how to take care of myself i had to teach myself... i don’t even know how to put on makeup. i have never even once done it myself.

mostly because it’s bad for my skin and i hate the way it feels on my face, but also because i was afraid of doing it wrong and having to wear it that way all day.

i guess, i got so used to doing things wrong on purpose, like playing video games just badly enough or getting pop culture references wrong to look just the right level of Not That Nerdy, and Letting the Guys Be Right, that when i actually put in effort and tried to win i couldn’t any more. the only thing i can do on purpose is lose. and i guess... losing on purpose gives me some control over whether i won or not. since i’m gonna lose anyway, may as well let myself down easy, you know?

but i keep trying for some reason. because i’m stupid i guess. dedication and stubbornness are the same thing.

actually one time it was kind of funny. i was just starting high school and wanted to not look like an unapproachable hermit. so i was talking about tv shows with a guy. i think it was long hair jake. he brought up dragonball z. i have seen the show before, and i had only the most tenuous grasp of the plot, but i liked some of the characters enough to be familiar with their names and personalities. i watched toonami a lot in grade school. but i was so afraid of looking like a nerd, because he was so cool, you see, that i deliberately “forgot” all the characters’ names and basic things about the show. getting it wrong on purpose and letting people judge me for that is easier than trying earnestly and getting it wrong anyway without even noticing. at least when i do something on purpose i have some say in what people think of me, because i did for sure act a certain way.

i ended up being an unapproachable hermit anyway and during my second year i actually got yelled at by the dean of students for being “too egotistical to spend time with my classmates.”

honestly i think that actually truly damaged my self esteem. here i had clearly established myself as the worst student, and was too afraid to hang out with literally anyone, and everyone thought i thought myself too high and mighty for those lowly mortals! gaze upon me and despair.

man, i hate me. i hate having to deal with me. i hate listening to myself all day. i hate the way i keep getting up and trying again even when there is clearly nothing to be gained. i wish i could just die already.

and yet... i appreciate the way eve keeps going like there’s nothing wrong even though she is clearly aware of how old she is. i appreciate that she still asks to go on walks even though she’s always sore and tired afterward. that she still wants to spend time with me despite everything.

haha i’m crying again, good night everybody, i’ll be here all week. i can’t see again, my eyes burn so bad. god it hurts.

i am just a little early tonight. but i have to get up to go to the bathroom so often every night that i’ll probably end up not getting enough sleep anyway. it wasn’t as bad last night, so maybe the medication is finally starting to help.

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