#of course the thistlesprings and gilear as well

[alaydbug]

i've missed them all terribly so

[r3dvlvet]

Bad Kids post series theories:

Fig: fairly obvious given what happened at the end of Junior Year. Traveling with Ayda and running a recording studio in hell. Shes freer than ever and feeling more like herself. Her tet a tet with agent Clark has gone from antagonistic to playful. He asks her for tips on deception, she’s trying to get him to leave the council of chosen. Always summonable for movie night.

Adaine: the next principal of the Aguefort Adventuring Academy, whether by Arthur being an actual villain, playing at being one, or just deciding to retire, Adaine is on his short list to take over. What’s that? Oh no she’s the ONLY name on the list - that smudge only LOOKS like it says Gilear. Thriving. Helping students in every way she can while staying true to Arthur’s original intent for the school. More present as an administrator and beloved by the student body. Expands the counseling services at the school so Jawbone isn’t the only one working with the kids. Ropes in Telemaine to help - there’s a rumor that she got black mail on him?

Gorgug: At Aguefort’s suggestion, he becomes a teacher at the academy specializing in the barbaficer multiclass. He teaches supplemental courses for each class individually as well and has subbed for both Henry and the new barbarian teacher. Another beloved member of the staff, he rocks up in beat up jeans, high tops, a CLEAN hoodie ( he has a spare in his bag for messy work) and a black pinstripe blazer. There’s drumsticks in his back pocket, you KNOW which car he drives in the faculty parking lot. Finally moves out of his parent’s place into his own space but visits them frequently. He and Mary Ann are still buds

Fabian: He and Mazey are featured dancers in the extended music video (9 minutes, big rock breaks like a rock song from the 80s) for “Dawn of Justice”, cementing them as a power couple in the dance world of Spyre. He and Mazey tour for a while, eventually establishing a budding dance studio business that teaches all styles. Adaine does call upon him as her champion time and again. He beefs with his younger sibling but in that way that all siblings do, he actually would go to the ends of the earth to protect them.

Riz: starts a legitimate private investigator business in Elmville. He switches back and forth between coffee and tea and has learned to take more breaks now that he’s in a stable place. Given his track record, business does well and he’s much more reliable than the local PD could ever be. He makes enough to move his mom out of strong tower into a nice little bungalow near the Thistlesprings. He and Gorgug are roommates for a while until he’s able to get an apartment set up above his business. Sklonda insists on him having so separation between work and home and he takes her words to heart. Gives talks at Aguefort

Kristen: Vice Principal of Aguefort. Gilear retired to spend more time at home and Adaine needs a VP. Given how much Aguefort helped with her growth, she takes the job. She’s very caring about the student body and does what she can to inspire creative thinking through doubt and mystery as well as championing justice for all students. She and Tracker go back and forth for a while on their relationship, eventually deciding to break it off after an earnest discussion about their wants and needs. Bucky shows up at Mordred one night, breaks down crying, and is immediately accepted into the household. She’s very dedicated to making sure he’s okay.

[hyperfixations-ahoy]

Fantasy High Divergent AU??

Disclaimer, this is based on the BOOKS, not the movies. Much like The Promised Neverland Season 2, we pretend that the books are the only content that exists. (Although I did kind of like the first movie, please don’t burn me at the stake).

In this AU, they are all Divergent, and all decide to transfer/continue with Dauntless. Why? Because A) it’s the coolest and B) it’s the one the books talk about the most.

ADAINE ABERNANT // Erudite -> Dauntless The second-born daughter of the dual faction leaders (because Erudite chooses its leaders based on IQ, both Angwyn and Arianwen are in charge). On the day of the Choosing Ceremony, Alewyn warns her sister that Erudite initiation consists of rigorous tests to prove qualification for the faction. Believing that being Divergent will result in her failing the tests and becoming factionless, Adaine makes an impulsive decision to transfer to Dauntless.

KRISTEN APPLEBEES // Abnegation -> Dauntless Though not city leaders, Kristen’s parents are well-respected in her faction - however, their good deeds are not out of selflessness but in servitude to a strange cult’s plan following what they believe is the will of god. Knowing she would be used as a pawn if found out, her aptitude evaluator told her to flee her faction. Kristen decided to choose Dauntless, so she could be free of the stifling rules of her parents’ religion.

FIG FAETH // Candor -> Dauntless When Fig found out that she was Divergent, she immediately went home and told her family. What followed were intense arguments with Sandra Lynn and Gilear, born out of fear that she would turn out the same way as her biological father (Dauntless-born, revealed to be Divergent, and disappeared). While they begged her to hide her true nature, Fig defied them and transferred to Dauntless, hoping to find some clues as to the real nature of Gorthalax’s disappearance.

RIZ GUKGAK // Candor -> Dauntless A childhood friend of Fig’s, both his father and his cousin Penny Luckstone disappeared in the same manner Gorthalax did. When he tells his mother that he’s Divergent, she reveals it is the common denominator behind the three disappearances. Determined to not let it happen again, he follows Fig to Dauntless while hoping to get some answers of his own.

FABIAN SEACASTER // Dauntless -> Dauntless The son of two great Dauntless heroes-turned-leaders, Fabian is hellbent on surpassing the expectations of him that keep climbing higher. He hides the fact that he’s Divergent, believing it a failure that would strike him and his family down from grace. However, after hearing his father discuss plans for the Divergent with the Abernant parents, he realizes how much danger he and his friends are in. Revealing his Divergence to them, his goal changes - no longer to live up to the Seacaster legacy, but to survive with everyone long enough to leave one at all.

GORGUG THISTLESPRING // Amity -> Dauntless A child abandoned to the factionless, he was taken into Amity out of an act of kindness. When Gorgug found out he was Divergent, the Thistlesprings were forced to tell him that they knew the identity of his parents - both Dauntless, both Divergent, both disappeared. Much like Fig and Riz (god these kids have some daddy issues), he’s trying to find some answers but in a more bumbling, awkward kind of way.

Other fun facts:

Fig, Riz, and Gorgug OF COURSE form an Only Murders in the Building-style squad where they’re trying to solve the disappearance of their dads, except they’re not as good and not as hot as Mabel, Charles, and Oliver

Alewyn is Divergent as well, but hides it from her sister (Adaine is furious when she finds out)

While being the one to hide it for the longest, Fabian has the highest levels of Divergence

Basic role swaps: Pok Gukgak = Natalie Prior; Abernant parents = Jeanine Matthews; Bill Seacaster = both Max and Eric; Gorthalax = Evelyn but NOT an asshole

[betterbooksandthings]

My top 6 dimension 20 shows ranked with little to no context

So all you DnD dropout girlies know dimension 20 has some excellent excellent content. I started my actual play watching with D20 so I am, of course, biased, but I just prefer watching something that well edited with a range of play styles and game familiarity. The fact that some of the tables have players who have played for decades and others who are starting their first game is really great. The diverse, laugh-out-loud but somehow also make-you-want-to-cry game play is just unmatched. So, I decided to be moderately unhinged this Sunday afternoon and rank my favorite dimension 20 shows as of February 2023. 

1. A Court of Fey and Flowers: Listen I was promised Bridgeton in the feywilds and Aabria Iyengar delivered. The epistolary phase! My ace pillar boy really doing the most. The “I’m taking my suitcase out on a walk.” Not to mention the fact that Jeremy Renner is an NPC. 

2. The Seven: I am nothing if not chaotic and I did, in fact, start my D20 watching with this show. The horse-girl energy was giving what it needed to give. The teamwork was excellent. I also love them. So there. 

3. The Neverafter: As a medieval-early modern girly with a hunger for oral tradition and retellings, this show is my catnip. It is at number three because we are only halfway through the season, but I am having a great time. Every time Emily or Siobhan light up at myth recognition, I too am excited. Also, death is everywhere so that’s a nice touch. 

4. Misfits and Magic: If I want to recommend someone watch a manageably small campaign this is what I recommend. All the PCs know how to craft the worst person to go to wizard school, which is glorious. Plus it is non-TERF wizard school content which we always appreciate in fandom spaces. Of course, you should also watch the holiday special, but yes, Aabria is an excellent GM once again.

5. A Starstruck Odyssey: It’s a campaign based on Elaine Lee’s before it’s time graphic novel series. Of course, this is Brennan (give the monster a cookie) Lee Mulligan’s mother and their interviews explain so much about him as a person. The world-building, character, and story arcs are impeccable. See you in the stars forever and always. 

6. Fantasy High: I gotta include an oldie but a goodie. Will never be over watching this group work through teen adventurer problems. But also, unmatched NPCs. Bill Seacaster! Cathilda Ceíli! Wilma and Digby Thistlespring! Sklonda Gukgak! Our yogurt icon Gilear Faeth! Ayda Aguefort! All very good people who live rent-free in my mind. 

So I hope this moderately chaotic list was, if nothing else, fun to read. Stay nerdy intrepid heroes! 

[dapper-nahrwhale]

Encourage you to write aus and post some stuff saw you say something about that so do it 💌

Asoakahag ok I did ask for that.

The most recent fantasy high au thats been invading my brain is an amusement park au where the bad kids all work there. Its got like no rules, actual children in charge of operating rides and being lifeguards and it's insane. It's kinda set in the 80s still with fantasy stuff tho (Mostly inspired by watching a bunch of action park documentaries)

(Starts off like a documentary, dialogue with intros and then flashbacks to scenes in between)

"Please state your name and former position for the record."

"Oh, um, I am Gorgug Thistlespring and I was an employee for The Augefort Adventuring Park. I was in charge of the moving rides like coasters and stuff."

"Great. So what was your experience working there?"

"Well working there was not uh very safe?- Wait is Augefort going to see this because he already didn't like me much for some reason, but talking bad about him is just asking for trouble."

"I would think that won't be a problem now."

"Ah right, yeah, I forgot sorry."

"Thats fine. Now back to the question, what was it like?"

"When I worked there, well I was only there for a few seasons, my parents heard the rumors, well not rumors they were true, and got concerned about it all. Makes sense. I still miss it a bit though. Not much because yeah there were a bunch of injuries on the rides. Like that was a daily occurrence. People would get sent to the medic all the time I'm sure thay they got overwhelmed and didnt have enough supplies. I dont remember. Well Kristen would know more."

"Interesting, and what was you're job specifically?"

"Oh I was one of the crew who operated the rides and would fix them when they broke. Which was fairly often. I was not good at it. At first. I got better though. Because my parents are engineers and they taught me some. And probably not enough because I was a kid in charge of these huge electronic rides that never worked right."

-

"Please state your name and former position for the record."

"Riz Gukgak, licensed private investigator."

"And former position please."

"... I was the guy that they would stuck in the Tube of Death to clean it out. I'm small so I could fit. It got pretty bloody in there even with all the water going through it. And I was stuck in the moter city circuit area most of the time. Unfortunately, that was next to the water areas and the smog from the moter cars and machines would get mixed with the chlorine of the pools and create this toxic cloud."

"Huh. I did not know that. What was it like working there? And why did you choose to work at the park?"

"Working there? It was wild. I mean you had just kids there, anyone who could look 14 would get hired to work the park. Child labor laws really meant nothing to them. Legally they did alot of messed up stuff. Insurance fraud, negligence, manslaughter at one point, cause you know how many people got hurt there? I mean some people died even. It was scary. And any lawsuit you could think up. Of course they won most of the suits."

"Well you certainly know alot. But you still didn't answered my questions."

"Oh I got a job there specifically to investigate all the weird stuff going on there."

"At 14?"

"At 14. I should not have been hired."

"Yes I agree to that."

-

"Please state your name and former position for the record."

"Gilear Faeth, I was the lunch lad."

"Um I'm sorry, lunch lad?"

"Yes. That is what the children and Augefort called me. Quite alot. I was also the vice president, but mostly I was the lunch lad."

"Ok then hm." The sound of paper and pen writing down ferociously.

"Now what exactly did your job entail."

"Well one of the things I had to do as lunch lad was take all the week old stale hot dog buns and place them in a colander with hot water to make them less stale. But then they were soggy so I would put them in the oven."

"I'm sorry... what? No I meant what did you do as the vice president?"

"Oh much less than soggy hot dog buns. I actually had very little influence on the park. I would say I actually had such little influence that I was the lunch lad more than i was the vice president. In fact when I was vice president I had a much worse time and was fired and rehired so many times it was unbearable."

"Uh ok moving on."

"Actually my daughter got me the job of lunch lad and vice principal. Well she's not technically my daughter, Fig was raised by me but I am not biologically her dad. But she is very insistent that she is still my daughter and now has multiple dads."

"Yes, well the question-."

A crinkling sound from Gilears mike, muffles his voice.

"Apologies, but sir I think your mike is-"

"Oh, no"

A high pitched feedback sounds from his mike.

"Oh god someone please fix that!"

"I am so terribly sorry about this-"

"Cut his mike! God that sound!"

Static.

-

"Please state your name and former position for the record."

"Kristen Applebees-O'Shaughnessey and I was the medic for the infirmary of the Adventure park. Well one of two medics. The other is my wife! I love her."

"Well ok then, is she available too right now?"

"Oh nah, Tracker has got this religious cleric thing to do. I mean could be doing that with her, but instead I'm talking to you about that old danger park."

"The Augefort Adventuring Park."

"Right that thing."

"Ok then, let's get to it."

"Well I don't really remember much."

"What do you remember?"

"Yeah I mostly would hook up with Tracker in the employee shed."

"I did not need to know that."

"Well that's what I remember the most of the park."

-

"Please state your name and former position for the record."

"I am Fabian Aramais Seacaster-"

"Sir please stop shouting."

"Oh right. Sorry. Well I was the best lifeguard in the entire Adventuring park!

"Didn't multiple people get hurt on your watch? Many times? Not an isolated incident either. This happened many times. "

"Well yes but these things do happen. Isn't that just in the nature of adventure though! For exciting things to happen!"

"Not for a park no, generally its frowned upon when people get hurt."

"Well if people don't want to get hurt they shouldnt have gone to The Adventuring Park. It is very much dangerous."

"That is something we can agree on."

-

"Please state your name and former position for the record."

"Well you should know who I am! C'mon!"

"Um I still need you to say it for the record."

"Ok! Well I'm Fig Faeth of Fig and the Sig Figs fame!"

"And your former position."

"I was supposed to be on the moter city thing but I'd usually dump that on Riz to do and go smoke or something."

-

"Yeah and Fig would always shirk her duties on me to go gods knows where."

-

"I'd go to the parking lot and throw bottles at the ground from the tall construction equipment. That was fun. Everyone did it. We just didnt invite Riz becaus he's such a buzzkill."

-

"Wait they did what without me? That's so dangerous. And I am not a buzzkill!"

-

"Oh Riz is not a buzzkill. He's more of a fun withholder. Like he will tell in you if you're having any fun."

-

"Thank you Fabian! Wait no I am fun."

-

"Please state your name and former position for the record."

"Adaine Abernant. And is this really necessary? I mean I dont mind doing it but-"

"Well yes. I want to discover everything about The Adventuring park to make sure something like it doesnt happen again."

"What do you mean 'happen again'?"

"I have been thinking about reopening the Park. Of course making everything much safer and less chaotic and less deadly."

"Oh that's going to be extremely difficult but I am very excited for you, [REDACTED]!

"Ah please refrain from using my name, as this is all supposed to be a surprise."

"Alright. Well if you want any help with it I would be perfectly fine with that."

"Thank you very much Adaine. I will take that into consideration. Now back to the questions."

[escapistcatontheinternet]

Fantasy High Pirate AU

Aguefort is a famous wizard-pirate, the only man to rival Captain Bill Seacaster in pure chaos, and he’s taking apprenticeships 

(pirates don’t??? Have??? APprenticeships??? but he does it anyways)

First day of apprenticeships you know that he says whoops good luck and jumps into the ocean, leaving a boat full of amateurs to fend for themselves

of course we’re starting with my BOY Fabian Seacaster, Crown Prince of the High Seas, sword fighter extraordinaire, born and bred in piracy

Hallariel was like, get my boy some schooling, and Bill saw Aguefort’s ad and was like, is this schooling?

Did intend to do a mutiny when he got on the boat, now the captain is dead and he’s the only one who Knows How To Pirate and he would like to takesies-backsies please

Riz Gukgak is the son of Imperial Navy Officers, a fantastic shot, a master thief, and a narc

He was undercover to investigate the disappearance of his childhood friend then found out you have to Actually Break Laws and his true potential was unlocked

if the gold was stolen to begin with, it’s technically legal if he organizes a heist and steals all the gold from an enemy ship

Kristen Applebees was supposed to go on a missionary thing, but she got on the wrong boat and didn’t realize it until they were in the ocean

everyone’s very happy they have someone with any sort of healing skills on a ship full of children with explosives

Oh whoops kissed a pagan pirate gal in a pirate bar and did spend the ensuing week drinking through the crew’s liquor supply

Fig Faeth just found out that her real father is not Gilear, and is a pirate, and ran off to try to find him

Churns out those shanty bops on the daily, you know it

Is very wanted in most places, but still goes into town all the time in disguise (most of her aliases are now wanted as well

Gorgug Thistlespring’s parents were mechanics for some crews, and he doesn’t really know what to do with his life, so he joins the pirate crew

He does bring metal flowers to his first day of pirating, that is canon, and then he does demonstrate the fact he’s a canonical unit immediately after

Is the only one that knows how to drive a ship besides Fabian, so he’s usual caring after it

Adaine Abernant, the daughter of two diplomatic officials, flunked out of boarding school, so instead of facing them she joins some pirates

Invents new explosives to fire at people, endangering everyone in her general vicinity and loving it

tfw a community of pirates understands and helps you deal with your anxiety better than you real life actual parents

Bonus:

Ayda Aguefort is still a librarian on the pirate island, and she meets Adaine because she takes out so many library cards

she teaches Adaine how to punch

Fig and her get their kisses in for the first time in the crow’s nest while everyone’s having a shrimp party on deck

Fig gets sent to court and Ayda almost blows up every courthouse

Ragh Barkrock used to be on an enemy pirate ship, but then he comes out to homophobic what’s his face and gets punched

during a battle he tells Gorgug about it, and then Gorgug kisses him

immediately joins their crew and beats up anyone that says anything mean about them

Zelda (fuck i can’t remember her last name) is the daughter of some Truly Wild Pirates that just likes to chill

Gorgug and her meet when he’s beating up some guy and they proceed to have those Michael Cera talking to Michael Cera conversations on the battlefield

she does design the ship’s flag

[jq37]

The Report Card – Fantasy High Sophomore Year Ep 7

Moms, Meltdowns, and Mayhem

Hello and welcome back to Fabian’s worst nightmare, already in progress!

We rejoin the Bad Kids who have linked back up the next day and are on their way to the library of the city Leviathan--The Compass Point Library. On the way there, they see the Crow’s Keep burning but Fabian, assuming it has to do with what happened to him, tells everyone to leave it alone.

Adaine questions why Riz hasn’t had any nightmares (Riz: In a way, my life is a nightmare) and the whole group goes into another round of Shadowcat speculation. Is she protecting Riz from nightmares for some reason? Why can Tracker and Garthy suddenly see her in the picture despite not having seen her irl or had any weird dreams? Is she masquerading as someone else? 

Anyway, they reach the library which is the cool, cobbled together and largely stolen (to Fig’s delight) pirate-y library of Alexandria type place. They meet an old pirate wizard named Rollins with a book of pirate spells that Fig immediately wants to steal and Adaine wants to borrow (or steal, she’s flexible). They all sign up for Compass Point library cards and go up to the observatory to look for Ayda Aguefort. 

In the observatory, they find a huge orange-yellow bird on a perch and this is the part of the recap where I have to inform you that Aguefort had not only banged a phoenix, he somehow managed to procreate with it. Meet Ayda Aguefort, the half-phoenix (shout-out to the anon from last week who called Ayda as Aguefort’s daughter). She’s got wings and arms, bird legs, a plume of red fiery hair, and eyes which are basically just fire.

Fig thinks she’s the creature Aguefort made for her for reasons I cannot begin to fathom. She tries to feed her but Ayda rejects the food, not wishing to be in anyone’s debt. Ayda is kind of intense, abrupt, and anti-social when they meet her. She’s fully is about to fly away instead of helping until Fabian yells that Garthy sent them and Adaine remembers she has the letter from Garthy asking her to help them. After some back and forth, she agrees to give Adaine the spell (which will take 6 hours to learn) for 150 gold. But these are the Bad Kids so, of course, we have several tangents before the plot goes anywhere, during which we learn Ayda is a divination wizard (like Adaine), she asks if her father has talked about her (Fig successfully lies that he has), and Gorgug spouts out some fortune cookie nonsense (“What is a telescope but a spyglass pointed at the stars?”) that convinces Ayda that he could be the greatest wizard of their age (Adaine does a spit take and Fig is loving it).   

Adaine hits the books to learn the sending spell with Sandra-Lynn keeping watch while everyone else splits up suchly:

Fabian wants to go out to check on the Hangman but Kristen absolutely vetoes that. Buddy. System. Ragh agrees to go with him and she lays off. He tries to see what the damage on the Hangman is. Nat 1. As far as Fabian can tell, the Hangman is full dead. Not only that, Fabian is poor people sick which he isn’t used to at all. Ragh isn’t doing much better on the emotional front. He just started making progress with processing his emotions and now his mom might be dead. Saddest Hoot Growl ever (seriously, it’s heartbreaking). Cathilda comes in, loving as ever, with food and kind words and an old lullaby, but that’s not enough to stop Fabian from rolling another Nat 1 and gaining 2 levels of exhaustion (which means disadvantage on ability checks and speed halved). Lou, please burn those dice. 

Kristen and Riz are researching the Nightmare King. They go into a religious studies section of the library and (on a 20+ check from Riz) find texts about a temple to a forgotten god in Sylvere (the forest of the Nightmare King). The god is never named in any of the texts which Kristen finds weird. Riz decides to steal the book and is able to do it, despite Kristen’s “help”. Later, Kristen cross-refs Riz’s info with her world religions book and, on a dirty 20, she finds with frustration that there’s a lot of information but none of it really matches up. The fairies, treants, and especially the unicorns all had mysterious deities but none of them really match with the forgotten god. [Note: Last time we heard about unicorns was in episode one and we learned that the last time people saw the great unicorn was the last time the NK showed up.] At the same time, it seems like there are elements of the god in all five of the cultures in the forest. Adaine checks and there’s nothing magic with the book so it’s just the contents of the book that are weird, not the book itself. Kristen thinks there might be a connection to her weird dream about not being able to draw the face of her god. Adaine wonders if Kristen might have been worshipping this unnamed god by mistake. Gorgug wonders if the god is erasing themselves (a theory backed up late when they talk to Aguefort).  

Fig looks for information on cursed gems and (with a 19) she finds a good amount--no surprise in a pirate library. She finds a book called Breaking the Evil Eye in one of the forbidden sections and learns that it could be possible to planeshift into the gem, dispel magic from the inside and get rid of the trap, before breaking the original curse. She finds all of this out after she steals the book (disguised as Rollins). Planeshift is a level 7 spell though so Adaine has a while to go before she can learn it (she gets her first at level 13). 

Gorgug asks the real Rollins for books about cheering up a friend. He’s brought to a small, dusty section of the library. Gorgug rolls a nat 1 on an insight check and thinks that Rollins must be messing with him. Rollins is confused because he super wasn’t. Adaine takes a break and uses this pointless argument borne from misunderstanding to steal his book. Dirty 20. Rollins instantly skelatizes. She hastily puts the book back. He comes back Wrong and in incredible pain. He begs them to take the book out and Gorgug does. Adaine peaces out to finish studying, leaving Gorgug to deal with her mess. Gorgug decides to keep looking at the friendship books. Even on a 5, he finds a secret door into a HUGE friendship library. Guided by his library card, Gorgug finds a book called Cheer Up Me Hearties. When he gets out, Gilear is being accosted for killing Rollins, but Gorgug is able to get them to stand down. Gorgug Thistlespring, winning pirate hearts and minds. They take the book and Rollins’ bones to get him put back together.   

Adaine finishes up as Ayda comes to check on her. Ayda is about to make another quick exit but Adaine tries again to make friends with Ayda, this time by directly asking and offering to let her hold Boggy. Ayda is immediately obsessed with Boggy (and Adaine’s backpack terrarium AND the backpack she makes for him at Ayda’s suggestion) and extremely impressed with Adaine’s spellwork in manifesting Boggy. It’s a very cute scene and Adaine has made a useful ally. Ayda can’t believe she met the two greatest wizards of the age in one day. Wild. 

Everyone regroups to call Aguefort now that Adaine knows Sending. He sends them back some more powerful magic so he can talk for longer than the 25 word response. Think of it as magic Skype. He very casually tells them that Ragh’s house is a smoking crater and his mom is super dead. He takes far too long to follow up with the information that, a long time ago, he hid Lydia’s real body under the school, made a clone of her, and used the Magic Jar spell to basically hook up her consciousness to the clone body (which held a fake demon shard). The clone body is what got destroyed. Lydia’s real body and consciousness are fine. Way to bury the lede dude! Upon being asked, Arthur says that he used to remember the name of the god of the unicorn but he forgot. Suspicious and troubling. He and Fig also renew discussions on the creature she ordered but never paid for. He says the cheapest option is a pentacorn for 30k gold (which sounds like a unicorn w/ 5 horns and pretty useless but I refuse to get dragged into this insanity, I am just the messenger here).

Aguefort leaves to deal with the situation at home. Meanwhile, Gorgug notices smoke again but he also notices that it’s on the wrong side to be related to what happened to Fabian. After giving Fabian and Ragh oranges to prevent scurvy--a tip from the pirate friendship book--he brings it up to Fabian who thinks it’s probably Captain Wicklaw making a power play and they should probably stay out of it. What? says Adaine. Nah, we should fight him. Yeah, says Fig. You deserve revenge! Fabian just wants to lay low so they can get their C+. Adaine is not here for that C+ and she’s not here for Fabian’s concerning attitude shift. None of the Bad Kids are. However, the cast is very here for absolutely roasting Lou for all of his choices by having their respective characters inadvertently reference every bad thing that happened last episode. When Adaine suggests that Fabian might be cursed, Fabian finally haltingly comes out with the entire story (which Lou has to laugh-cry himself through in one of the best scenes of the episode) and everyone interjects with comments that they (out of character) know will just make Fabian’s storytelling even more uncomfortable. It’s a very wild combination of very emotional (in game) but deeply funny (out of game). Like:

Ally (who knows good and well that Chungledown Bim told Fabian he was gonna shit in his mouth): Did Chungledown Bim help you?

Zac (who also knows good and well that Chungledown Bim told Fabian he was gonna shit in his mouth): Chungledown Bim probably saved you.

Murph (yet another person who knows good and well that ChungledownBim told Fabian he was gonna shit in his mouth) You know what we should do? We should go see Chungledown Bim.        

Amazing. 

Fabian finishes his recounting of the 20 car pile-up that was last episode by repeating his earlier opinion that they shouldn’t go after Captain Wicklaw because it will just end with all of them dead. Kristen tries to slap him back to normal and tells him to lose the Gilear energy. Led by Gorgug and Adaine, the gang tells Fabian that being Bill Secaster’s son isn’t the only worthwhile thing about him (in fact, it’s pretty annoying). He’s worthwhile all on his own. Tracker chimes in and says that she thinks Fabian might have some issues with depression so maybe their well intentioned efforts to get Fabian to buck up weren’t the best way to handle things. Adaine and Riz are skeptical that Fabian is like, capital D, Depressed but Tracker sticks by her read on the situation. The group eventually decides to at least check out what’s going on with the smoke but before they arrive, an interlude:

As they walk to Crow’s Keep, Cathilda walks with Fabian and Cathilda starts dropping information about herself and about how her own children died before Fabian was born and about how she sees him as a son--though she’s tried to keep the proper professional distance. She comforts Fabian on his bad day and then her eyes go full Terminator and she mentally buts Wicklaw on her “People I Need to Murder Today” list (more on this later).

When they arrive at the place where the smoke is coming from, they find that the Ramble (kind of a pirate meetinghouse/Courthouse) has been burned down. Jemina Joy is there and she lets them know that Wicklaw asked what was necessary to become the new pirate king. He was told that all he needed to do was get the crown from the former pirate king (because respect for/fear of Bill was the only thing keeping there from being a new king). He just burned down the Ramble to be a dick. Adaine damn near gets her ass beat by Jemina by arguing politics with her (her point being that she wants to install Jemina as Pirate Queen while Jemina is like, “I just keep this place from sinking. Lay off.”) but Riz, mindful of the fact that this is a time sensitive situation, takes off to Gibbety Square where the pirate king’s crown is (and where Wicklaw is headed).

They make it to Brennan’s latest battle mechanic: The Row and the Ruction.

This is the crazy, pirate bicameral legislative system. The Row is a huge fistfight (no weapons allowed--or really they are allowed but everyone will gang up on you if you use them) at ground level. It’s always in session and has been for 150-ish years. Above that, is the Ruction which is a fight with full weapon and magic usage alone. The idea is that you need enough support on the ground in the Row so you can use them to get up in the Ruction. It’s a king of the hill situation up there and if you can hold your position up there for long enough, you can make laws. Got all that? Good. 

They get there just barely after Wicklaw and his men who haven’t yet entered the Row. Wicklaw starts talking mad trash to Fabian but his friends back him up. They give him back his sword, his eye-patch, and Kristen hits him with a Warding Bond (which means that he gets +1 to AC and saving throws if he stays close to her plus resistance to all damage and, more importantly, she takes all the damage he takes). Fig gives everyone Countercharm. And, to top it off, Cathilda shows up with in an all black, super-badass pirate uniform to say she’s gonna feed him his own freaking brains! Let’s goooooooo!

But, Wicklaw has some new allies as well. Three elves bamf in from Falinel (same people who Kristen felt scrying on them earlier) and they’re there to bring Adaine back, and it doesn’t seem like they’re gonna just ask nicely.   

Detention

Adaine for Unnecessary Theft and (Accidentally) Killing a Man 

Adaine was kind of on one this episode. Not only did she inadvertently kill* a man while stealing from him, Adaine also ghosted at the first sign of trouble, leaving Gorgug and Gilear to catch all the flak for her attempt at pulling a Fig. Bad form, girl!

*She probably didn’t technically kill him but she turned him into a skeleton and he called the pain upon reconstitution worse than death so let’s not quibble about the details. 

Honor Roll

Cathilda for Being a Badass Mom 

Oh man, oh man, oh man. 

I’ve low-key been waiting for Cathilda to go full pirate since we learned that was an option and especially since Fabian got attacked because it was a pretty safe bet that was going to be her berserk button and boy did she deliver.

When did she have the time for a costume change? Is she that stealthy? Did she magic it on? Or did she just manifest the outfit on the power of her rage alone?

The scene where she says Wicklaw is gonna pay? Chills. Not only pledging to eat your enemy’s brains but also saying you’re going to feed him his own brains and describing exactly how you’ll serve it? So raw. 

But I also have to shout out the non-murderous mom stuff she did this ep. The little talk she gave Fabian about no one being defined by their worst day was very sweet and good advice out of game too. 

But honorable mention to Gorgug for being an absolute sweetheart all episode. Zac’s improv about pirates giving their friends oranges to prevent scurvy bodied me.  

Random Thoughts

Some very useful posts from @jamiebluewind: Character Descriptions, Location Descriptions, Transcripts of Cathilda’s speeches from this ep. 

During the initial discussion with Collins, we learn that the transmutation exchange rate is 50 Parrots=10 Bananas=1 Gold. How are bananas more complex than parrots?

Adaine: May we steal books?

Her later actions aside, I think it’s funny that Adaine’s first move is basically always to sweetly ask for what she wants and Fig’s first move is, “Gotta steal that book!” Adaine is like the most polite person in the group but also ready to fight 100% of the time. The role reversal in the Jemina scene where Fig was the one who asked an on point question and Adaine was the one who made it almost spiral into an actual fight was great.

I was just saying this re: Harry Potter in a different context but clearly marked but not blocked off forbidden sections of libraries are more a dare than a deterrent. 

Fig as a horned parrot (done by Rollins for trying to steal his book) is adorable. Please somebody draw that.

I love that when they see the bird that turns out to be Ayda and Murph is like, “I don’t think that’s a bird,” Zac is like, “Yeah, Gorgug doesn’t know that.” Zac (like Travis as Grog in CritRole) has a real talent for playing dumb while actually being really smart.

“My principal scammed me?”

Brennan truly did not have to follow through on Aguefort saying he slept with a bird. He really, really did not have to but he was like, “Nope! I said it so it’s happening! This is happening!” I really wish you guys could have seen my face as I realized in real time that the madman was actually doing that. 

Adaine to Fig who thinks Ayda is her creature: This is a full person.

“I like school.”/“You would.”

Lol at Fig trying to draw parallels between Ayda’s prickliness and her own behavior and getting absolutely shut down. “I think people think you’re really tender.” The running thing of Fig’s perception of herself as this standoffish loner being constantly reality checked by literally everyone she knows being like, “You tell us you love us literally every day,” is one of my favorite group dynamics. It’s even funnier because, besides probably Adaine and Fabian, the rest of the Bad Kids probably knew Fig (or at least had seen her around) before she started going through her emo phase. So they totally remember her in 8th grade wearing preppy clothes and carrying a unicorn backpack and listening to Fantasy Taylor Swift and all that.   

All ep they were calling Kalina a cat and I was thinking, “I feel like—in game—that’s gotta be offensive.” And then Aguefort straight said it. Wild for it to come from him since he’s the craziest person ever but I’m glad it came up.

“You seem simple to me.”/“Thank God.”

Aww at Ayda asking if Aguefort ever talks about her. Brennan, you gotta stop putting little emotional traps into otherwise funny scenes. I can only handle so much!

The gang did some experimentation with the photo in this ep with these results: Ayda and Aguefort both couldn’t see Kalina in the picture. They also took a picture of the picture but that picture had the same properties as the original picture. Weeping Angel rules I guess. 

There’s speculation in this episode about why Riz isn’t having nightmares. I have another question kinda on that topic. In episode 2/3, we see the lie/mirror/Baron thing that happened with Riz. And that was for sure super nightmarish. But it doesn’t match what happened to Adaine and Fabian. Both of them seem to have had more ephemeral experiences that quickly vanished. And they weren’t borne from lies so much as fears. Riz’s monster came from a direct lie and it didn’t seem to be a nightmare. It came out of the mirror and attacked not only him but his friends later. No one saw Fabian or Adaine’s nightmares besides them (although, that could just be because they got away). And no other lie-monsters have showed up as far as we know. I’m just wondering if there’s maybe something else going on or if it was a different NK follower who did that or just a different power of the same dude. Just something I wanted to note because it’s been bugging me a little and no one’s brought it up yet. 

Cool quirk of the sending spell Adaine learned: Because it was modified by pirates, curse words don’t count towards the 25 word limit. What I immediately thought (and what Aguefort actually ended up doing more or less) was that you could easily send very long messages with, say, Morse code. Just designate one curse as a dot, one as a dash, and one as a space, and you’re good to go. It’d be slow, but totally workable. 

Also, after watching Laura as Jester absolutely flying by the seat of her pants with every sending spell, it was wild to see the group take the time to carefully craft the perfect message. 

I said two recaps ago that I wouldn’t be surprised if Gorgug multiclassed into a casting class soon and boy do I hope this episode means he’s gonna do it for real. Adaine’s total disbelief at Ayda’s interest in Gorgug’s wizarding potential was sending me.

Oh also. Ayda has forbidden Gorgug from reading any wizarding books so he doesn’t lose is totally uncomplicated mind. I guess he’s supposed to learn everything the savant way? Imagine Adaine diligently studying her wizard books, trying to master some complicated spell and Gorgug is like, “I woke up and I guess I can use Mage Hand now? Neat.” Absolutely maddening. 

Besides Cathilda, Gorgug was the MVP in this episode. Dude has a knack for making friends that I think will eventually pay dividends. 

Also, speaking of, everything Brennan said during the secret shelf section was so good as to sound planned, however, how could you predict that that was a thing a player was going to ask to find? Brennan is just always 7 seconds of prep time away from giving an elaborate and super specifically themed speech about friendship I guess.  

Big ups to Kristen for not letting Fabian go off by himself again. Like, for the sake of the party of course but also the, “We almost lost you,” was sweet. She also helped buff him going into the coming fight with Warding Bond that means she takes all the damage he takes. I am SO glad they brought another healer with them because that’s such a risky move. Kristen is a LOT but she’s also very ride or die and all heart. I really love that the last time she used this spell it was on Gilear for a joke and now it’s getting used seriously. It’s a perfect establish existence of power to audience/bring back at plot relevant time setup. Improv storytelling is so inexplicably good. 

Technically, to cast Warding Bond, you’re supposed to have matching rings with the person you’re casting it on so imagine Kristen blinged out with a ring for each party member and each of them having a corresponding one in case she needs to cast it on them.  

Little bit concerned that Tracker still doesn’t know about Sandra-Lynn/Garthy. The longer it takes for her to find out, the higher the chance it blows up and becomes a Thing.

Fig: *Meandering philosophical question about why Ayda watches the stars*/Ayda: I study it so I can know where this big city is floating.

RIP to the Hangman. I don’t think he’s gone for good but it seems like he is for now. On my first watch, I thought that, on a 1, Fabian just fully thinks that the Hangman is gone but, the second time it seemed more like he’s just dead. Now, I’m not Brennan, but if I was in this situation, you know what I would do? I would have someone save the Hangman’s soul (or whatever he has instead of a soul) and store it in the Hangvan temporarily. Imagine how much he’d hate that. It’s full of potential for “roommate” shenanigans. 

Is there anything stopping them from just, ramming the Row with the Hangvan? Like, I know it’ll get them ganged up on, but will they be able to do much against a full van?

Also, if/when they hold the Ruction, I wonder what law they’re going to try and make. They didn’t really go in with a plan (understandable under the time pressure) so they’re really gonna have to improvise something on the fly. 

Also, I’m assuming Fabian stabbed the Hangman while he was asleep? I don’t think we were ever shown that scene, but Fabian must have been under some kind of compulsion since he woke up in the river (and the same happened to Ragh). 

Aguefort casually mentions that he has many children and this episode proves that Brennan can and will back up every single crazy thing that comes out of his mouth, so I’m excited to see if there is a single Aguefort out there that isn’t crazy.

Oh, also, the acknowledgement that occasionally that phoenix is a child is appreciated because that was def a question I was going to ask. Squicky to say the least but I guess that’s how phoenixes work so what are you gonna do?

Ally needing to roll a 10, rolling, being happy, checking Kristen’s modifier, and realizing it’s a negative 3 for a total of 9 is peak D&D.

Fig as Rollins: Look at how fast I can run!

I love Fig thinking Adaine could plausibly have 7 level spells. She’s like, idk bro. She’s the eleven oracle. She cares about school. She could know this too. Who knows? Certainly not Fig who thought she could buy wizard spells to use as a bard.

“Please speak more enthusiastically on my behalf.”

“It’s my brain guys.”

Fig mind controls Gilear into believing in himself and he fails his save. I wonder if this is could be valid therapy technique in this world. 

Aguefort mentions that a Wish spell can destroy a Magic Jar just fyi. That makes 3 pretty high level spells mentioned in this ep. Magic Jar is 6th level. Planeshift is 7th level. And Wish, basically the strongest spell in the game, is 9th level. We’re starting to deal with some serious magical mojo.

The whole thing with people in pictures that not everyone can see and memories that you know you once had but don’t anymore and information that should exist but doesn’t is hitting a very specific storytelling sweet spot for me. 

This is a little meta-gamey to be thinking about but I’m kinda wondering, why sideline Gorthalax? Obviously, it’s a good plot hook for Fig and that might be all it is. But I’m lowkey wondering is there something Gorthalax knows or can do that would solve the plot in 30 seconds if he was around? Like, was he roommates with the Nightmare King in hell or something?

Kristen finds it weird that the god’s name isn’t written anywhere but I’m sure that’s gotta be fairly common. Or at least not unheard of. Like, I know in Judaism you’re not supposed to do that. Anyway, watch the great unicorn be the Nightmare King just for the Nightmare/Night Mare pun.

Adaine being on brand no matter the situation: Everybody shut up I have to do my homework!

The, “Do you want a friend?”/“Desperately.” interaction killed me. 

“I don’t have any wizard friends.”/“I’m a wizard.”/(beat)/“I don’t have any wizard friends.”

Arthur cloned a woman, forgot to tell her, and then straight forgot. So business as usual from him. 

Fabian’s, “Nooooooo,” with the rising intonation every time someone made an assumption during his story and he had to correct him was amazing. Also, “He told me he was going to shit in my mouuuuwth.”

Ragh, Fig, and Adaine all crying about their parental issues at the same time. This has been, like, the longest week ever. I wonder if the 7 Maidens are unpacking this much trauma on their quest.

“Absolutely timbered.”

Lol at Brennan dropping the cool pirate sending spell “curses don’t count” detail and then being told from off camera that he needs to keep it PG-13. But then Cathilda needed to go beast mode so, like, what can you do?

Another cool worldbuilding detail is pirate clerics just keep shrines to every deity they’ve come into contact with to hedge their bets like Beni from The Mummy.

I know Lydia was attacked on orders from Kalina but I wonder if they knew about/had plans for the demon shard too. 

When Emily said she disguised herself as Rollins, I fully thought she was going to walk out the door the real Rollins was guarding and not go out the back door like she did. The idea of a back door didn’t even occur to me. I just thought we were in for some classic Axford insanity. 

Riz: You’ve gotta get better at talking to kids.

Riz: This is real Gilear energy.

Kristen: We brought one Gilear. We don’t wanna make that mistake twice.

Everything that happened with Fabian was really funny because there’s nothing I love more in D&D than players having a good time dunking on each other but, in game, Fabian is really going through it. Fabian low key has mom friend energy so to almost die and then for all of his friends to jump into the exact fight that almost killed him (including taunting the dude! Adaine!) against his advice must be giving him a level of anxiety and dread that I don’t even have the words to describe. Like, now is not the time for him to digging into that because things are life or death. Gotta save your life before you can fix it. But he def needs to at some point. Too bad Jawbone’s not around for a quick mid-battle therapy sesh like he had with Adaine during prom.   

Tracker suggested that Fabian might be depressed. I’m not an expert on depression. He could be depressed and, in any case, he definitely needs to see a therapist for a Lot of reasons. But having a breakdown because you saw 14 people die, almost died yourself, and were told that a man wanted to shit in your mouth less than 24 hours ago seems less like a sign of depression and more like the only rational human reaction.

Adaine calls the above, “a vaguely mediocre day”. Michael Scott Voice: Adaine you ignorant slut.

Also Adaine: You got that bike because you won it fair and square because we killed a lot of people.

This is the second time Adaine has said that Fabian’s lineage is actually the most annoying thing about him and these are the kind of tiny continuity details I live for.

Semi-relatedly, Fabian’s relationship with his parents v. Adaine’s relationship with hers is endlessly fascinating to me. Because they have such similar backgrounds but coming from, like, opposite directions of the same spectrum, you know? Can’t wait for those sweet, sweet parallels as we jump into her trauma! (What is D&D but group therapy interspaced with murder?)  

Speaking of Adaine’s trauma, it looks like we’ll be getting to it very soon as those FBI Falinel operatives have shown up to force her (and the plot) back to Falinel. This is Concerning to me for two reasons. First off, remember the Aelwyn fight from season 1? Remember how annoying that was? Now imagine that times three and also 2 separate pirate brawls are happening. That sounds like a Bad Time for our kids. They’ve leveled up some and they’ve been known to make some very clutch battle decisions, but this is gonna be tough any way you slice it. This is like two entirely separate encounters at the same time. A small good point: I looked up the language for teleportation and it can only be used to transport a willing creature. So they can’t just bum rush her and poof out. But they could give her an ultimatum to make her agree. The second reason this Concerns me is that Adaine high key doesn’t want to work with/for Falinel and they know this. The fact that they’ve resorted to kidnapping (fun international law fact: when a government kidnaps someone, it’s called rendition) tells me that they’re done playing nice which opens up two options to them they might not have otherwise used. They could coerce Adaine’s consent to be their oracle by threatening her life/her friends’ lives. Or, more troubling, they could just kill her. I mean, she became the elven oracle when the old one died, right? So, if she died, someone else would get the job. Probably someone less troublesome to deal with. I doubt they’re gonna go straight for that because they seem to want her alive, at least for now. But it is a concern. 

Of course, we’re assuming that what’s happening on the face of this is the whole story, but that’s not necessarily true. Iirc, all we heard was that they found the oracle and they were gonna bring her back to Falinel. For all we know, the elves could be working for Adaine’s mom. Of Adaine’s mom could be working with Falinel. Or she could be working with Falinel just as a way to get to her daughter. We really don’t know. The last person on this show that got kidnapped was Fabian and that was a friendly kidnapping. Anything is possible. 

Something that struck me as a possibility: This fight seems like it’s gonna suck. There is a world where the ideal move for Adaine is to pull an Evy (from the Mummy--two Mummy refs in one recap, did not plan that, I just love the Mummy) and agree to go with the Falinel elves if they help them instead (or at least stop helping Wicklaw) with the faith that her friends will come rescue her. I doubt they actually care much about what happens in the government of this pirate junk city. I’m curious about how they ended up together anyway. I’m guessing the elves clued into what was going on while scrying on the group and decided an alliance might be useful.

Brennan about both Ally’s Applebees Reference and Fig using a Leviathan phonebook: That is nothing.

Shoutout to Fruzzinoid in the chat who said Ally’s alignment is chaotic-chaotic. Accurate.

I love the laughing-squawk that Brennan does for Ayda as much as I hate the fact that he made the Choice to spell it that way.

Truly, the entire scene where Lou is recapping the fight from last episode and he’s laughing uncontrollably but Fabian is clearly crying and he’s expressing both of those things simultaneously is beautiful. 

A Fabian line that really hit but that I haven’t mentioned yet: “I probably have one follower running around. Never mind he’s my father’s just like everything else I have.” Ow. Such a deep cut but so off the cuff from Lou. As a writer, this show makes me so mad because that’s such a good line of dialogue that Lou just dropped out of his mouth like it was nothing. How dare he? 

Another good line I didn’t mention before, this tie from Riz: “We all draw strength from each other. You went in without your crew. What’s a pirate without his crew?” Ugh, Murph. Who gave you the right?

This episode has made me extremely curious about what Cathilda thinks about Hilariel. Because she sees herself as Fabian’s mom--which she essentially has been in a lot of the ways that count since Hilariel has been mentally out to lunch for the past however many years. To be clear, I do think Hilariel loves Fabian. She just hasn’t really been present even though she’s been literally present. The way Cathilda phrased some of the things she said and the way she seems to talk about Fabian’s dad so much more than his mom makes me wonder if she doesn’t...resent isn’t the right word exactly. Maybe, disapprove? It makes me wonder if she doesn’t disapprove of Hilariel’s parenting choices more than she lets on. 

Kristen’s, “Do you listen to music?” in the middle of actually useful questions for Ayda. 

Rich people sicknesses include having eaten too much caviar or smoked a cigar for too long in case you’re wondering.

“You want an orange, pal?”

On a practical note, we have two more episodes to go until the show breaks for the year so prepare yourselves from now people!

Riz, Adaine, and Gorgug each rolled one Nat 20 apiece. Fig, Gorgug, and Adaine each rolled a Nat 1 (but Adaine presumably cancelled out hers rolling with advantage because of Boggy). Fabian, who is still living his worst life, rolled three Nat 1s. Tragic.  

[jq37]

The Report Card – Fantasy High Sophomore Year Ep 4

Skipper Thistlespring and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

We pick back up at The Swan’s Little Parade where rich people shenanigans are taking place. Gorgug breaks from the group to try and call Zelda. When she doesn’t answer, he leaves the saddest, sweetest apology voicemail ever. Lou breaks. Siobhan breaks. I break. 

Meanwhile, the rest of the group gameplans. Adaine pushes back against the idea that they have to talk to Aelwyn. Her parents are also an option and Aelwyn is not a good person, no matter how hot Fabian is for her. They also check out the guest book from the hotel and see that Bill Seacaster has stayed there several times, always right after a Garthy O’Brien (they see that it happened a bunch while they were in jail and it was probably in conjunction with when Bill was supplying palimpsests). Fabian recognizes the name as a pirate and Cathilda knows they run the Gold Gardens which is a floating pirate casino/brothel.

Kristen tries to release Gorthalax but just confirms that, because of the curse, doing it without messing up Gorthalax is gonna be tough. 

Sandra-Lynn goes to get Gorgug while Fig decides to careen the campaign into Crazytown and make herself Empress for Life of the same. She disguises herself as an old lady and tries to drop off a note giving her phone number as the new number of the cop she impersonated last episode (Detective Decker) so she can send a fully grown cop texts that would def get him Chris Hansen’d irl. Brennan decides that if she’s gonna keep making beds, she should probably lie in one of them for once and comes for her entire life in the funniest scene of the episode. No recap I could give can do it justice(links to clips here: x, x). Just know it ends with Fig running away and ditching her phone in a lake, which could very possibly have plot consequences if she forgets to replace her phone before she’s in a tight spot where it would be helpful and the absolute dumbest/funniest reason for a character death (I want to note that she did replace her phone technically, but with a huge, old, brick phone from Adaine’s jacket that can’t be as useful as an actual cell). 

ANYWAY

Tracker creates a Moon Haven in the van which is basically like a dope pillow fort with the Sanctuary spell cast on it and TARDIS bigger-on-the-inside spatial mechanics. Once they’re inside the Moon Haven, Ragh finally feels safe to tell them what he knows--which he does telepathically via Adaine and the message spell to make everything extra safe. Here’s a rundown of what he tells them:

He saw Kalina on the night of prom after the big fight. She was talking to Jace (the sorcery “teacher”) and an elven woman who looked like Adaine in black robes--Adaine confirmed with a picture that it was her mother. 

After being healed by Porter, Ragh started walking home and was stopped by Kalina who said she would kill his mom if he told anyone what he saw. 

Ragh’s mom Lydia is also a half-orc barbarian. She was on a mission in the Red Waste (where the 7 Maidens have their Sophomore Year quest) and they found a soul gem that was leaking something bad. She put it in her chest to contain the evil but at the cost of her health. She’s now extremely sick and in a permanent, medically-induced rage to keep her alive. She refuses medical treatment because no one can ensure the evil won’t be released if they remove the gem. 

His mom fucking slaps.

So that’s all deeply worrying. Adaine invites Ragh and his mom to live with them in the Haunted House and Fig offers to give them Dr. Asha’s number. Gorgug discovers the Van can become a boat which is convenient for the pirate-y things they have to do (the Golden Gardens is on the way to Falinel so they decide to stop there first). Fig has a heart to heart with Gilear while Adaine and Sandra-Lynn take first watch outside since the Moon Haven can only hold nine people. Adaine has to roll a wisdom save because she’s outside of the Haven’s protection and, even on a 16, the music goes all scary and she feels that something is in the tent with her outside. Something humanoid and her size with its knees to its chest. She senses that if she sees its face, something will happen to her and, instead of looking at it, she calls for Sandra-Lynn. By the time she shows up, the thing is gone. Fig assures Adaine that she’s not crazy or seeing things and, based on Adaine’s description, they’re able to deduce that it wasn’t Baron or Kalina. 

In the morning, Gorgug is pretty bummed and asks everyone to call him Skipper. Kristen is very down and Fabian is very not. They discuss whether they should tell all of the information from Ragh to the 7 Maidens (no) and whether Gorgug should call Zelda (yes). They drive into the sea. Gorgug finally talks to Zelda who is not happy with him for the ghosting and unintentional thoughtlessness. She’s even less happy with him when she realizes he forgot to get the generator they needed to stay in touch long distance. They’re breaking up. Do I mean relationship-wise or phone-wise? You don’t know? Well that makes two of us (Thanks, I Hate It).

They’re at sea for two days and then make it to the floating pirate shipwreck city of Leviathan. Pirate adventures next week, y’all! 

Detention

Fig for Trying to Seduce ANOTHER Middle-Aged Man

Listen, I’ll stop putting her here for this when she stops doing this. Not to mention, she invented a whole ass person (HILDA HILDA?????) when she’s just been told that nightmare monsters are being generated from lies. Fig, my girl. Ms. Faeth. Please. I’m begging you. Please. 

Honor Roll

All of the Adults for Stepping Up

Every single adult in this episode was on fire. Fig confided in Gilear and he stepped up to the plate with a This-Is-So-Serious-I’m-Going-To-Use-Your-Actual-Full-Name, speech. Sandra-Lynn showed Adaine how to do some ranger stuff and jumped in to save her when she cried out. Cathilda was ready with warm milk and cookies she somehow was able to make in the van as soon as Adaine needed them. Sandra-Lynn also had a heart to heart with Fig and even Gorthalax, who’s still trapped in the ruby, gave Fig a spell slot back. And, of course, Ragh’s mom slaps. 

Random Thoughts

Adaine and Fabian both being uber rich but being on the opposite ends of the rich people spectrum is hilarious. Adaine is a “Sleeping in a van? I’ve heard of that but I’ve never gotten to do it. This will be fun!” Rich Kid  and Fabian is a “No turn down service? Hard pass,” Rich Kid. 

I was happy that they brought Ragh along for comedy reasons but who knew he was gonna be so chock full of backstory and important story beats? Like, every good GM has a way of making whatever story path that was chosen seem like the only way the story could have gone and I’m sure that whoever was picked, Brennan would have made that seem like the obvious and essential choices but I’m very happy they picked Ragh. Him talking about how much he loves his mom was so adorable! I love that he’s a big, good, dumb boy now and I’m happy they invited him to live at the Haunted House. That’s def gonna be good for some shenanigans (also love that Adaine’s only stipulation was that he had to be nice to Zayn and he was so eager to agree).  

Insane Ally Move of the Game: Deciding that Kristen genuinely doesn’t know Gilear used to be lunch lad at their school. Is Kristen even on the same plane of existence as everyone else. And then, later, “I worry about Gilear.” Do you really???

I totally forgot that Gilear was not only an elven diplomat but also a full on actual counselor. Makes it even wilder that he lost the job to Jawbone. Also, while we’re talking about him, I said we were gonna inevitably gonna get some more color on Gilear this season and we saw some of that in this ep when Adaine uses detect thoughts on him (which, btw, seems like a horribly invasive thing that people do very casually in this world) and we see that he gave up his career for Sandra-Lynn and then was wrecked when she cheated on him. Really puts a melancholy shade over his hilarious ineptness. 

Another thing I figured we’d see soon and that we’re starting to see is Adaine speaking up on Aelwyn. Two times this ep she tried to steer the group away from Aelwyn and seemed more serious than her usual trash talk. As excited as I am for pirate adventures, I want to get to Falinel ASAP to see how this shakes out. 

Also, on the mom front, wild that we found out that Ragh has a super dope mom in the same scene Adaine took another L and found out that her mom is also involved in this shadiness. Black robes are never a good sign. But I will say, just based on the story beats we’ve gotten, I’m not totally sold on the idea that she’s 100% bad--or at least that she doesn’t care for Adaine at all. I’m wondering if she wasn’t at school trying to find Adaine (possibly among other things). 

“Every time you have sex it’s a gamble. You could lose your heart.”/”What happened to you on tour?”

Gorgug trying to let a full sized griffon land on his arm is hilarious. I love that. He’s so wholesome and dumb.

I love that when Emily was doing her Hilda-Hilda nonsense , turned into Detective Decker, and ran past the police house precinct, Lou was the only person who was on her wavelength and understood what she was trying to do while everyone else was like????

We find out in this ep that Van can control all the auxiliary functions of the van but not the actual driving, which is important to know before a sticky situation. On a more personal note, we find out that he was originally a planetar (second most powerful D&D angel) of Elysium, specializing in harmony, relaxation, and chill vibes and he got dumped and kicked out of heaven for sleeping through a call to battle.

We also get the cursed image of a van with hands which I knew was gonna be the shirt and lo and behold. 

“Fuck Me.”/”When.” Y’all are the worst. 

I love that Brennan mentioned Porter in Ragh’s flashback, fully knowing it was gonna trigger Emily. 

Fig’s new plan is to get all of her parents in a throuple and I don’t even know where to begin with that tbh so I won’t.

@voxfantasma made a comment last week that Sandra-Lynn very well could have seen Kalina which is why she can she her in the photo--which is an offhand comment I made when I was talking about the rules of the photo last week--and Ragh’s reaction to the photo is making me move this theory back up to the top spot. I still wish they would show the photo to more people so we’d have more data for this. 

I loved Fig tossing Fabian a bardic inspiration for a compliment even though he didn’t really need it. I also love that she has a rider in her rockstar contract necessitating gogurt be at all her shows for Gilear. 

Adaine paranoidly casting water breathing on everyone at the slightest hint that they may have to go near water. Our girl is learning from the mistakes of the last oracle. 

With the gang facing off against the Nightmare King and Brennan’s description of the thing in Adaine’s tent as being humanoid, about her side, and sitting in a sort of defensive way, I’m wondering it what it was was a manifestation of her own anxiety or something along those lines. Of course, it could just be a normal ass monster. Sometimes the scariest thing is your inner turmoil and sometimes it’s just a monster trying to bite your head off. 

We also learn that Cathilda has a super wild adventurer’s life before she settled down to be a maid--so she knows what she’s missing and she’s fine with it--and also that she is paid ridiculously well, which makes me feel better about what’s going on with her. Also, her moment with Adaine and the cookies was so sweet. My notes for that scene say, “Adaine loves Cathilda and so do I.”

I loved Murph and Riz going equally Pepe Silvia trying to anagram out Garthy O’Brien (which is also what I was doing, especially since Brennan specifically spelled out the name). Cheers to Murph/Riz and Siobhan/Adaine trying to single handedly keep the story on track--both in and out of character.

There’s a part in this ep where Adaine Ray of Frosts Fig who immediately Hellish Rebukes her and that’s truly the kind of step-sister shenanigans I want to see from them as much as possible please and thank you. Also, like I said before, it was very sweet of Fig to reassure Adaine that she wasn’t just seeing things in the tent. Her catfishing middle aged men aside, she can be very empathetic when she wants to be.  

Adaine cast (or tried to cast Friends) on the thing in her tent. And I think it’s very telling about her character that that’s the spell she would cast and not an offensive one. Not that messing w/ someone’s brain is a super chill thing to do or anything, but I think, “Maybe I can calm whoever this is and talk to them and we can get some information,” is a much more measured reaction than maybe, “Let’s blast this thing to kingdom come and ask questions later.”

“Man van is a boat, my boat is a van.”

Brennan lets Adaine roll w/ advantage to convince the Hangman to come with them on the Van (which he still hates) because she said, “Please” really cute which is the kind of arbitrary DM fiat that I love. 

Adaine: We should tell them unless we’re being graded on a curve. (Savage.)

“Fig, she’s a maid. She’s not allowed to lie.”

All the skipper talk this ep got the Gilligan’s Island theme stuck in my head (never seen an ep but my mom watches it sometimes) so the next day I was getting dressed going “With Fabian, and the skipper too, the oracle, the PI,” to the GI theme song. Also, did not know skipper and captain were the same title until Fabian got all upset and I looked it up. Yet another piece of information I know because of some game (along with what a panacea is (Dragon Quest 9) and where the CDC is (Pandemic)).

Gorgug, being offered a virgin daiquiri: No thanks, I’m driving. (I’ve said this before: Zac low key has the best comic timing of anyone.)

When Riz is angraming, one of the things he ends up with is something about a “night yorb” which Brennan decided is a real thing that both the Hangman and the Van are very wary about. Having the Hangman constantly being like, “SPEAK NOT OF THE NIGHT YORB!” and the Van being like, “Seriously, don’t fuck with the night york,” was so funny and such nonsense. I can’t wait for the night yorb mini boss fight that has to happen now because of the rule of funny.

Gorgug comes down from his call with Zelda and everyone except for Fabian (and probably Ragh who cannon-balls off the boat w/ Fabian and they both have to be rescued by Sandra-Lynn) knows exactly what happened immediately. Aw, buddy. One of my favorite things about media where you have kids saving the world is you have relationship drama and also the world is ending and it all feels equally high stakes. I find that so funny but also it feels very representative of what high school was like, or at least what it felt like (minus the literal apocalypse, obv. Or maybe not. Idk what was going on at your high school). 

Adaine continues lending out Boggy to anyone who needs him.

Also, Gorgug tries to build a cell tower with driftwood and parts from Adaine’s jacket. It’s not going super hot. 

Both Adaine and Riz are podcast nerds and listen to This Solesian Life. All checks out. Their friendship is underrated.  

“I’m feeling really bad and my van is a boat.”

“I was gonna be straight edge except for drugs,” gives me “Sober salad” energy. 

The whole discussion about Kristen getting tracker silly putty for her birthday. 

The Van was serving some serious Ned Flanders energy along with the Owen Wilson energy this episode. 

Brennan does pretty good whale noises. 

Only crit this episode is Fig with a nat 20 insight to know Gorgug’s conversation with Zelda did not go well. Which is something she’d crit on.