#of course the dream was not this coherently structured but it's honestly not that far off

[egglygreg]

Yet another inexplicably vivid YA dream with an almost coherent narrative structure:

A warm Northern Kingdom, constantly at odds with the cold Southern Kingdom. Both places have extremely advanced technology but it's very old and they don't necessarily know how to use/fix/make more of it.

There have been recent battles over ancient tech, the north has been targeted by the south.

Our POV character is the Northern Princess, a young woman with golden red hair and deep red eyes.

The princess, desperate to get out of the castle and go riding, takes her horse and sneaks out of the secret gate in the gardens behind the palace.

While out riding, she is captured by southerners. They take her back to their city in the icefields, which the northerners have been unable to find for many long years.

The place they take her to is a mechanical structure her people had managed to locate, but had dismissed as just a strange ruin of ancient defunct technology.

Her captors lead her onto it, and the machine activates and begins to shift. Strange walls of energy spring up, which the southerners walk her through. The colour of the energy changes from blue to red, and a loud mechanical voice announces "royal blood recognised."

Her captors seem taken aback for a moment, before they walk her forward to a strange box in the middle of the mechanism. One young man, who has been quite kind to her despite being a kidnapper, steps into it with her, and then suddenly and very quickly they drop

down

down

down

under the ice and through the water, in the small glass-like box.

The Princess becomes terrified and panicked, crying and shaking and absolutely petrified. In her panic she starts lashing out and hitting the walls, desperate to get back to the surface. Her captor tries to calm her down, gripping her upper arms and pulling her back against himself, while speaking gently and kindly to her despite his own confusion over her reaction.

(For him and all his people this was a perfectly normal trip, but she had never experienced anything like a deep sea elevator before).

The box brings them into the centre of a large and fairly busy town square. She is the first northerner in memory to set foot in the southern city, an enormous structure hidden beneath the icy ocean.

It was much colder in the city than she was used to.

She is taken through the streets and into an impressive and strange room. She and her captor stand before a throne, and on it sits the southern king, a middle aged man with brown hair and a very stern and harrowed expression. He asks the young man who the girl is, and seems somehow both pleased and very stressed to hear she is the princess of the North.

While she is technically a prisoner, she is given mostly free reign to wander the city. A young woman is assigned as her guide/guard, though the young man who first brought her down to the city comes around quite often to check in on her.

She feels so cold in this strange place that she takes to wearing a blanket over her shoulders, and one of her favourite places to go is near the city's great engines where the heat is highest. Most of the southerners find the place uncomfortably hot and avoid it.

(Unfortunately story-wise that's all I've got, because that's when I woke up. For me though it was a relief, because being deep underwater in a submerged vessel is literally one of my worst nightmares and I'm also pretty claustrophobic, so that's the reason the princess lost her mind in the deep sea elevator. I was seeing from her pov at the time and I was legit terrified 😅 Even the handsome love interest didn't help)

[jpitha]

The Dreams of Hyacinth 11

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Nick relays the story so far to Queenie. He talks about boosting the coffin box, finding out it's empty, meeting with Jameson, working with Sunny, the whole story. When he's finished, she's silent a long time.

"Nick, I can see why your ladies like you. You have empathy, and are kind and are generous. Honestly when we first met I was just a twinge sad that Evie wasn't interested." She chuckled. "But Nick, you're kind of dim, you get that, right?"

Eastern nods. "Finally, someone else sees it. Right Sel?"

Selkirk agrees. "Dim as a spent LED."

"I knew there was a reason I liked your girlfriends Nick. They're the smart ones. So, let's get down to it. Both you and Eastern have a full AI suite of cybernetics installed by Jameson's dark doctors, and he didn't even give you a tutorial? That sounds like Jameson. I swear, the AIs are all the same. It's easy for them, so they assume it's easy for everyone. Selkirk, this is going to take a bit, and I think you'll be bored. Why don't you head up front with Evie and see if you two can figure out dinner. We'll be ready to take a break by then."

Selkirk stands. "Sure thing Queenie, thanks for taking care of these two idiots. We'll figure out how to pay you."

Queenie chuckles. "Don't worry, it'll be very affordable."

Selkirk makes her way to the front and finds Evie back behind the counter, watching something on her Pad. "Queenie kicked you out eh?" She doesn't look up from her show.

"Yeah, said I should find dinner. Everyone is going to be hungry when they're done."

Evie nods. "Probably. Even now, when Queenie gets it in her head to do some work, everyone else comes out tired."

Selkirk looks up at Evie. If she squints, she can see the resemblance. They have a similar bone structure in their cheeks. "Evie, I thought most humans died around one hundred or less. She's so..." she struggled to find the words. "Coherent?"

Evie laughed. "She has good days and bad days. You're just lucky today was a good day. But yeah, she thinks the implants are keeping her alive almost as much as her body at this point."

"Where did she get them?"

"Just like she explained. An AI thought they were 'helping' and gave them to her. As you probably guessed by our experience with Nick, running the shop wasn't always out main source of income and Queenie's line of work wasn't exactly... legal all the time."

Selkirk says nothing.

"To hear her say it, it was fashionable to have black market cybernetic mods installed back 70, 80 years ago. I don't know, it seems an awfully foolish thing to do for fashion, but she swears it was 'this close' to going mainstream."

Selkirk glances back down the hall. "I don't know. I've been around humans a long time, and I completely believe that they'd do something stupid like get cybernetic implants for fashion."

Evie laughed. "You're right of course. How long have you been on Hyacinth, Selkirk?"

"You can call me Sel if you want. I've been here, Ancestors, twenty five years now? I moved here from K'lax when I was just a kid. Familial group got together and sent me off to school on Hyacinth." She smiled bitterly. "Go and make something of yourself. Do your family proud!" She shook her head. "I was mostly sent here to get out of the way. The paterfamilias wanted his offspring to take over the leadership of the familial group. An older kit from a deceased line was a... complication."

Evie looked down at Selkirk. "Do you still talk to them?"

Selkirk flicked her ears. "Not in years. I sent them a message back when the Empress Melody shit started going down telling them I was all right and going to stay on Hyacinth, but never heard back so... I stopped sending messages. I'm sure they think they're better off that way."

"Oh Selkirk. I bet there are still people in your familial group that love you."

She snorted. "You haven't met them. I'm sure they don't feel any ill will towards me, but I'm also sure they don't feel anything to me. It's ancient history." She leaned back off the counter. "Queenie said to get dinner so I assume that if we don't she'll be upset."

Evie laughed. "Upset is possibly the most mild way that could be phrased." She took out her pad. "I know some local places that she likes, take a look and tell me which ones would work for you and your crew."

Nick and Eastern came out of Queenies room hours later looking exhausted but pleased. Queenie came out shortly after them with the help of her walker, but she also looked brighter and more alive than when she went in. Instead of going to Queenie's bedroom, they made their way to the front of the store, where Selkirk and Evie had set up a table piled high with takeout from a local place.

Eastern looks hungrily at the food. "This is quite a spread Selkirk, nice work!"

Selkirk flicks her tail and her ears. "Evie helped, but we both decided that you were going to come out of your training hungry."

"I feel like I haven't eaten in years." Nick laughs and sits at the table."

Queenie shuffles to the head of the table and sits. "Now, like I told you, those implants are powered by your bodies. Use them a lot and you need the calories to recover." She poked Nick's soft belly. "It's also a decent way to build a calorie deficit if you ever decide to lose that paunch, Nicholas North," but she was smiling as she said it.

They all sat down and started on dinner. After a few minutes, Selkirk looked up at Eastern and Nick. "How did it go?"

Queenie started gesturing with a fork full of food. "Typical AI. Stuff them full of tech and send them on their way without so much as a lesson on how to work it. They're lucky Nick knew me; they could have had their brains braised by the first aggressive attack they endured."

Eastern put down her fork. "We're very grateful Queenie, thanks for all the help." She looked at Selkirk. "Queenie put is through an initial setup, helped us with our encryption and firewalls and gave us some basic lessons on access and intrusion. Also, she looked at Nick's additional tech that Jameson installed. He could pilot a starship!"

Selkirk blinked and looked at Nick, surprised. "You can pilot a starship?"

Nick looked awkward and shrugged. "According to Queenie, I have additional modules and sensors that are related to piloting starships. She thinks its an upgrade to the old Colony Ship co-captain package."

"But... why? You're not going to be piloting a starship."

Nick shrugged. "Who knows with AIs. Maybe Jameson thinks I'll need it. Maybe he thought it would be funny. Maybe he's making a point to another AI faction that we don't even know about." He put his head down and continued to eat.

Eastern nodded. "You feel it too Sel, we're pawns in a much larger thing here. It's entirely possible that Jameson gave Nick the piloting package to show someone that AIs aren't the only game in town when it comes to operating a ship.

Queenie looked up at the three of them. "My advice is to not try and make sense of what AIs do. They go and do their own thing, they always have. It's up to us to stay out of their way and try and not get burned. Remember what they did when Empress Melody came by? They linked in a pile of their own Starjumpers and attacked her right above us. I remember looking up and seeing the flashes of the fight. It was something else." She shook her head sadly. "I never got to meet the Empress, but I heard she was looking out for everyone in Sol." She looked up at the three of them sharply. "Take heed that lesson though. Keep your heads down, do your work, and don't get involved in AI politics. It's worse than our politics."

Nick glanced at Eastern, but she didn't say anything.

After Dinner, Selkirk tried to pay Queenie and Evie but they wouldn't take her money. "You bought dinner, and you owe us a favor, that's enough." Queenie was firm. Evie smiled. Now, don't be a stranger down here, come by and say hello to Queenie every now and then. I haven't seen her this active in weeks." She winked at the three of them. "You're a good influence on her."

Queenie's cackling laugh. "They're anything but Evie, but they're fun to be around. If you ever need a fence, you see old Queenie first, you get me?"

Eastern assured them that they'd be the first place they stopped when they had some goods to fence and said their goodbyes.

When they left the shop it was late. The Metro ran all night long, but was on a reduced schedule to allow for maintenance. They decided to take an omnibus up to Eastern's apartment. As they rumbled along, Eastern and Selkirk fell quickly asleep on Nick as he looked out the window and watched Hyacinth go by. He mused on what Queenie had said about AI politics. He felt that it was a bit too little too late with that warning. They were being played off two if not three different factions now with no real sign as to the why.

Nick woke everyone up when it was their stop. They made their way home and fell into bed.

The next morning, everyone got up, got dressed and some coffee and tried to come up with something to do. They still hadn't heard from Sunny, so it was just a matter of waiting to hear from her. She had said that she would do fifty hours of searching, and by Nick's reckoning that meant they'd hear from her tomorrow afternoon.

Nick declared that they'd head to the lake today. Since Hyacinth is so large, the original designers decided to put a large lake on each arm. It was a long shallow lake, not more than three meters deep, but that was enough for watercraft and swimming and a small marine ecosystem. The beaches on the lake were a popular destination. Against Eastern's protestations, Nick took the girls shopping. They rode down arm to some mid range shopping in Laurel square and soon enough Nick found what he was looking for. He bought Eastern a black bikini and a sari skirt in blue and yellow, and found a K'laxi style bathing suit he thought would suit her. When Eastern saw what he bought her she blushed. "Nicholas North, you horndog."

Selkirk looked up at the both of them, "What?"

Eastern laughed. "This is what I was wearing when Nick and I were connected together during the surgery. Nick took me on a memory of a beach on Parvati."

Selkirk's ears flicked playfully. "Well, he has impeccable taste, you look great in it."

Eastern stared at Selkirk's suit too. "I will admit Nick has good taste. The suit he picked for you is stunning."

Selkirks tail and ears poofed in embarrassment. "It not a style I would have ever picked for myself, but I admit I look good in it." Selkirk and Eastern went to Nick and both gave him a kiss. "Nice work."

This time, they picked out a suit for Nick. Eastern insisted on a black speedo like in their shared dream and after picking up some towels and headed back out.

The most popular beach was off Dahila square. They grabbed some food to eat later and rode up to Dahila. From there it was a short omnibus ride to the beach.

Growing up in Naya Chennai, right on the water, the beach on Hyacinth was a bit of a letdown. He went to the beach once or twice after he first moved here and while it was interesting to have a lake and a beach in space, it really couldn't compare to the ocean. Eastern, a kid who was born and raised in space loved it though. It was the largest body of water she had ever seen. Selkirk had fun too. She hadn't been to a large body of water since she was a child, so she was enjoying herself too. Nick decided to try and leg go of his opinions about it being a 'real' beach and just have fun.

They spend the afternoon at the beach, sitting on the soft sand, splashing in the water and having a fun time. Nick even convinced them all to rent a watercraft and they zipped around the lake, getting a view of everything. Nick found a small secluded beach far away from everyone else and they stopped and relaxed all on their own.

Eastern declared that she wanted to try having sex on the beach like in the novels she read and they gave it a try.

It was very sandy.

After, everyone ran into the water to wash the sand off and Nick grimaced. "Okay, I think I speak for everyone when I say that I got sand in places I didn't think it was possible to get sand into. Let's keep that one to the novels, okay?"

Selkirk was in the water up to her head scrubbing her fur as hard as she could. "I agree Nick."

By now it was evening and they had to return the rental. They made their way back to the main beach, returned the rental and found a restaurant right on the water to get dinner. Hyacinth doesn't have sunsets, not really, but it was gently getting dark as they ate, and they even heard some animals in the water making noise as it got darker. You had to squint a little, but you could pretend you were on a planet. Nick looked over at his girlfriends and smiled. "Thanks."

"Eastern raised her eyebrow. "For what, Nick?"

"For being here. For being with me. Both of you. This is nice. Sure, we are deep into some shit, but we're into it together. I don't know." He looked out at the water. "It just feels a little more solvable with you two here with me, eating a nice dinner, looking out at the water."

Selkirk flicked her ears and smiled. "It is nice. Thanks to you too Nick. I'm glad we're all here, together."

After dinner, they slowly made their way back to Eastern's place, chatting and laughing. They kept their bathing suits on, garnering a few side eyes on the omnibus, but nothing else.

They made it to Eastern's place and fell into bed, tired and happy.

First / Previous / Next

[isimp4hawkz]

The Thief

(Hawks x Fem OC)

this is an old fic of mine, back when i first got into hawks (what have i become?) i never published it. please bear with my undeveloped writing :} and on behalf of my pre-obsessed self, i hope you enjoy reading this as much as i did writing it.

-Edited slightly-

-Not 100% canon-

-Some aspects may seem far fetched-

Words: 2k

✧༝┉┉┉┉┉˚*❋ ❋ ❋*˚┉┉┉┉┉༝✧

Hawks’ POV

Recently, I've been cycling through a continuous loop of circumstances whereas every time that I'm about a millisecond away from saving someone in danger- the same, new, and hot pro hero swoops in right on the knick of time and steals my shot.

A spontaneous looker of a woman who went by the hero name Tundra. I hadn't ever heard of her before the little debut she had as of last week, as goes with most rookies. But this one was quick to gain her prominence in this city.

Do I honestly care all that much? Not really.

I think it's cool when a brand new hero who's fresh out of their side-kicking days steps up and climbs through the ranks, earning themselves a little popularity with the citizens as they answer their calls for help.

And to be frank, I've been taking it easy these days. More than I usually would. Out on the beaches during the day, and partying all throughout the night. Free time was scarce for me. I definitely won't put off having a good time while I still can.

Sure, if someone happens to be in danger on the way to the club, or down on the twisting roads that lead down to the shore, I swoop in and save the day.

The locals around here had basically memorized my name from years of service, but I was afraid that my name had become a blur in the mixture of countless other hero's.

Hell, maybe I'm just being dramatic. It's not like they could actually forget me of course. I'm the number 2 hero in all of Japan, how could you forget me?

You'd think that taking a short hiatus would gain me some sort of up in demand from the fans, but it was the exact opposite of that. I had fallen down to 4th in the approval ratings, instead of remaining proud in my little silver throne.

All because of her...and my own laziness.

And then, I decided that that was enough fun...to some extent...for now at least. It was time to head back into the city, and reclaim my throne—or, at least try to.

I settled onto the roof of my favorite building, it was the tallest one around here. If I wanted to catch a crime in progress, here would be the optimal place to start, where I had an eagle eye view of the city.

It’s funny, being up on this tower reminds me all too much of when I first met the vixen for myself.

An interesting encounter it was.

This is how it went;

I grunted when my wings had suddenly twitched with premonition midair. It was a natural reaction that occurred when something was about to happen, usually abruptly without much warning, a small shiver that pulsated through every single one of my feathers in the blink of an eye.

Instantaneously, two flashes of white sped past me in a blur of haste, followed by a gust of wind that physically made me wobble in my flight.

Ahead of me now flew someone. With a pair of wings as white as snow itself, feathers littered with black markings.

"Woah-" I uttered as I regained my balance, blinking in shock.

They were soon just a barely vivible spec in the distance.

'Huh...Well that's new. Can't remember the last time I saw another winged person besides...'

That person's name was long since lost in my memories. Last I heard, they'd transferred to another hero agency in distant city.

I'd only shrugged it off.

It was best to just continue my leisurely flight. I was in no rush, after all. I've waited this long to get back into the game, what's a few spare minutes of taking my time got on me?

The office building stood tall, barely piercing the sky. It's thin structure made it look like just the faintest breeze could make it topple.

A draft of wind blew viciously against me. It was much cooler up here, the air was naturally a bit thinner. Not that I wasn't used to it, but it had been well over a week since I'd gone here.

I exhaled peacefully as I took my perch on one of the building's edges, gazing down at the city. The sun was beginning to dip into the horizon, lighting the land with tranquil variants of orange and pink. People looked like mere ants from up here, scurrying aside toy vehicles.

The sunsets always looked so nice from here.

Most would see this as a time to be at home and prepare themselves for bed. But for a villain, it was happy hour. A time for iniquity to prosper in the shadows.

'Now then, let's see if we can find any-'

"Hey there." A voice had spoke from behind me, causing my feathers to stand on edge and bolt me into the air on instinct with one strong flap. I immediately whirled around, dumbfounded.

A woman stood before me. The pearly white pair of wings sprouting elegantly from her back and dotted with black markings taking me back to moments ago. They fluttered subtly as she studied me.

'That's strange...why didn't I sense her?'

She sported an inviting smile on her face, yet I could tell by the look in her eye that she was unsure of what to think of me. "Sorry for startling you. Come up here to wait for the stars?" She asks as she looks thoughtfully into the distant sky.

Her eyes shone a sharp grey that caught the sinking glow of the sun. The costume she wore wasn't exactly loose against her skin, ivory feathers imprinted into the fabric around her waist. Curves hugged in all the right places. Rather stunning.

'A hero?'

I must've been staring in a daze for too long, because she'd cleared her throat, shifting her weight from one leg to another in a little rocking motion.

I honestly didn't know what to think of her myself. I've never seen her before.

Mild curiosity somehow got the better of me in seconds. I'd've liked to get a bit of information off of her for my own self pleasure. A little flirtatious prodding would do the trick just fine.

"Now why would I waste my time lookin' up there when there's a much better view down here?"

She sucked in her cheek, never breaking eye contact with me as descended back down onto the platform so we were at the same level, hands dug deep in my pockets. Slapping on one of my signature lazy smirks, I continued, "So tell me, what's a beauty like yourself doin' all the way up here on this fine evening?"

My feathers had suddenly puffed up. It had startled me, but I managed to play it off with a small stretch.

That only happened whenever I wanted to give off a sense of superiority towards another individual, among other things.

She eyed my new display curiously. "Y'know, I could ask you the same—In fact I already did, actually—minus the little pick up line of course." She avoided the question, responding with a little quick-witted remark. It was hard to tell if she was hiding something, or if she's just being cautious.

"Well if you'd really like to know, I'm on duty. This is where I come to sort of survey everything."

She nodded, agreeing that that was a reasonable answer, and when I asked her about her own intentions, she responded with, "Oh, similar reasons. You're looking at a newbie trying to find her way in a foreign country, all while taking steps towards her dream of making something of herself.”

"New here huh? Excuse my manners, or lack of. Allow me to introduce myself. Wing Hero: Hawks." I gave her a curt bow, "Last time I checked, I'm still in the top 10 heroes in the country."

She gives me a strange look after taking my words into consideration. "Hawks..." The way my name rolled off her tongue as she sounded it aloud for herself made me swallow a lump. "In the top 10 you say? Never heard of ya—Granted, I've never really heard of anyone around these parts." She looked over into the horizon, rubbing her bicep. She seemed deliberately captivated by the colors settling onto the land.

'So she claims to be new to the country...'

I wouldn't doubt it too much. The honey color etched across her skin would definitely make others think twice about where she's from. There's also a small accent lingering at the back of her tone, I find it sexy.

Still, I'm rather curious about her, so I'll say something a bit more patronizing as an experiment, testing the waters or whatever. I bring my arms behind my head, looking over at the sunset. "Don't feel bad about being in the blind side. A newbie wouldn't know much about me in the first place unless they're some kind of huge fan, or even a stalker."

Then the look that burgeoned in her eye enthralled me. A corrosive flare. It spoke clear words. 'I don't like when people assume things about me.'

I almost bit my lip. 'That's hot.'

She sighed out nasally. "I can assure you, I'm neither one of those. Owl hero: Tundra." She barely spat that out as she crossed her arms, unintentionally making her breasts bulge in their bindings. "I've been on official duty in this city for over 72 hours now." She looked aside.

'Well that explains the wings.' Wouldn't a quirk like that be manifested from up North? But her skin and accent...She's a living cocktail.

And so I pressed on, chuckling. "I knew it. That cluelessness is bound to stem from lack of experience."

She raised an eyebrow as she met my eyes again. "Excuse me?"

The calmness in her voice was almost unsettling. It threw me for a loop. I genuinely can't think of any other female I've meet who could keep such a level-headed reaction up while being involuntarily insulted.

Those reactions were coaxing me to push her buttons. 'Let's see how far you'd go to remain in complete, professional control...'

"Don't take it personally, pigeon, it's just a fact." I was mostly betting on the bold assumption that she wouldn't take that nickname too kindly, and boy was I right.

"Pigeon?-" Her eyes flared along with a trembling fluff of her feathers. From the back of her throat came a short, rumbling sound resembling a hoot. Telling me I was crossing boundaries in a coherent avian language. Her pupils constricted, staring daggers straight through me.

'Hm. Definitely got bird of prey in her. Or maybe that's just her.'

I cooed mockingly in response, my wings unfurling widely to fan at her. Come at me.

The tension in the air weighed a ton as we stared each other down like natural enemies for a few lengthy seconds.

She seemed to have taken that as a challenge, but to my disappointment, she was quick to recompose herself, allowing her once erect feathers to relax against her back with a curt roll of her shoulders. Her eyes dilated back, though still a bit on the small side as she looked at me. I could feel it in every barb of my feathers, she was ready to tackle me a few moments ago.

It was sad to say that I found myself mildly disappointed. Mildly because to put it short, that reaction would've had my tail wagging if I were a dog. Well worth the effort it took to bring it to light.

She huffed out a breath. "You know what? I should probably be on my way. I'm wasting my time here. Good evening, Hawk man."

And with that, she calmly whirled around, unintentionally flashing me a great view of her juicy thighs and ass as she stormed off to the edge of the building, not forgetting to dramatically spread her wings.

Every step she took made those thighs shake. Holy fuck.

I had to will myself to not stop her. This urging curiosity to know more about this woman was certainly bubbling in its wake. Can't be the last time I'll see her. I don't think I'd allow it, actually.

She didn't look back as she jumped off the edge of the building, swooping down into the depths of the city.

I sighed, eyes promptly returning to study the calmness below. 'She's got a bit of a fire to her, doesn't she?'

"I'll stick a bit of a fire up your ass." A faint slur of mumbles drifted through the wind, making me blink confusedly as it reached my ears.

When I turned to look, there was no one.

[joyofcrime-elinorhigh]

Watamote Review: (Oh, The Cringe)

"Beware that, when fighting cringe, you yourself do not become a cringe lord yourself.. for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you." - Friedrich Nietzsche: 1886 -(Probably) -(Don't Google it)

 Hello there, everybody. My name is JoyofCrimeArt, and the word "cringe" is definitely thrown around a lot these days, to the point where some say that the word is starting to lose all meaning. "Oh, you like some band or movie that I don't like? That's so cringe, lol." No, Damn it! I'm sick of all of it! I'm looking for true, unadulterated cringe, in it's purest form! The type of cringe that makes you unsure if you should laugh or cry. The type of cringe that makes you question if our species evolutionary process is going backwards or forwards. That is why I am on a quest to find this cringe, for the good of science! So today in my journey to find the most cringe thing ever created (other than myself, obviously) we will be diving head first into the deep end of the cringe pool, as we head to Japan once again to talk about the 2013 anime series Watamote. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWOTQRduHeA

(Yes, I'm using the ending credit song here. I know people love the shows opening, and while I think that the song on it's own isn't that bad and the visuals are really nice, the heavy metal doesn't really match the show in my opinion. Couple with the clever lyrics here, I find this song a better representation of the show, and much catchier.)   Watamote (Aka: No Matter How I Look at It, It’s You Guys' Fault I’m Not Popular! Aka: No Matter How I Look at It, This Series Really Needs a Shorter Title.) is a twelve episode anime series based off of the manga by the same name written by two writers who both go by the pen name Nico Tanigawa. The series follows the misadventures of main protagonist Tomoko Kuroki, a very socially backwards teenage girl who's about to enter her first year of high school. Being unpopular in middle school, Tomoko decides that high school is going to be a fresh start for her, as she decides that she will not only become the most popular girl in school, but will also get a boyfriend as well. Things do not turn out that way and hijinks ensue. Seems like a fairly standard, if not somewhat bland premise, right? Well you might assume that at first, but what if I were to tell you that this show handles the subject in such a unique and creative way, that it was actually able to became one of my personal favorite animated series of the decade so far? Why is that, you ask? Well, let's dive in and find out.  Let's start by talking about our main character, Tomoko Kuroki. Tomoko is a first year high school student who dreams of becoming popular and getting a boyfriend. However, there are two big things that makes this hard for her. The first thing is that she is not a very friendly person. She's bitter, cynical, and even a bit demented at points. She has her soft moments, but in general she tends to assume the worst in almost anybody, and holds a lot of resentment for people who are more socially skilled than she is. The second thing is that Tomoko is HEAVILY implied to suffers from a surprisingly fairly realistic depiction of social anxiety disorder. At the start of the series Tomoko is completely unable to talk to anybody outside of her own family. These two facts, particularly the latter, are what makes Tomoko's goal of becoming the most popular girl in school such an enormous challenge, and Tomoko trying to break out of her shell serves as the main arc of the series. Social anxiety disorder is not a topic that I've seen covered very much in other forms of media, and I can't think of any other series that covers it in the way Watamote does. But I'll get to that a bit later.  There are some other side characters, but honestly there aren't that many. There's Tomoko's younger and stoic brother Tomoki, who has to put up with Tomoko's annoying antics. There's also Yu, Tomoko's only friend from middle school who now goes to a separate high school. While she too was unpopular in middle school, unlike Tomoko she actually was able to reinvent herself when she entered high school by dying her hair blond and hiding her love of anime. She acts as a good contrast to Tomoko as a reflection of what Tomoko wants to be. There's also one other character who comes in near the end of the series, but I can't really talk about her to much without getting into mild spoiler territory. All of these characters are good in there own right, but other then them the show is mostly about Tomoko. This is clever as by keeping the cast of side characters small, it helps drive the point home about how lonely she really is due to her social anxiety. Resulting in about eighty five to ninety percent of the shows "dialogue" to actually be Tomoko's internal dialogue, as she talks to herself about whatever situation she is in. I've never seen a show do something like this before and it's really an interesting thing to do. It ties the audience much more into Tomoko's struggle by truly making the series her story, and her's alone. However, this means that the entire series does rely on you liking Tomoko as a character. If you don't than there isn't much else to latch on to.    Episodes of the show are pretty formulaic. They almost always center around either Tomoko coming up with some kind of hare brain scheme to get more popular or involve her being forced to act in some kind of social situation. Often times the plots do not act as much of a "linear plot" as much as a series of short vignettes that center around a theme. Like episodes four, where the plot is that "it's raining" and we get several different segments of Tomoko doing stuff while it's raining. Or episode seven, where the whole plot is just Tomoko doing several things during her summer break. It's a pretty unique format that I haven't seen many other times before and makes the episodes feel less like a coherent stories and more like just moments of Tomoko's life. I really enjoy this way of storytelling, as it makes the stories seem a lot smaller. That might sound like a bad thing, but I think it helps ground the world and the characters, and makes it feel more relatable. It makes the stories feel like something that could actually happen in real life.  Now despite how depressing this show might sound from my description of it, it is still a comedy. It's just that it's a very dark comedy. Most of the jokes in the series coming from Tomoko's failure to understand the way that people are suppose to act socially, or the leaps in logic she makes when it comes to her schemes to become more popular. This often results in what is known as "cringe comedy" or as what I like to call it "Oh God, please stop." comedy. This is a style of humor that this show has perfected to a t. Every situation that Tomoko finds herself in is uncomfortable to watch, in the best of way. It's actually a great show to watch if you are socially awkward, cause then you can say, "Well hey, at least I'm not THAT bad." Unless of course you are that bad, in which case you really need to question your life decisions.

THIS IS THE STUFF WE'RE DEALING WITH, PEOPLE!  Tomoko's plans are always doomed from the start, to the point where failure is an inevitability. This actually provides an interesting viewing experience in a strange kind of way. Most of the time in good stories a character will think of a plan that is just crazy enough to work. You as the viewer will be unsure of whether or not the characters plan will work or not and that's how the series builds suspense. But Watamote's plot structure doesn't work like that. The plots of Watamote function less like conventional stories and more like a car driving into a brick wall. What I mean by this is that whenever Tomoko comes up with any kind of plan to become popular you know form the very beginning that it's going to fail. The schemes are so disconnected from any kind of reality that it's obvious to anyone who isn't Tomoko that the plan won't work. An example of this in the episode six where she tries to become more attractive by playing dating sims game, due to the fact that she believed that by being aroused by these games, her body would create more feminine hormones, and those hormones would make her more attractive. And that's not even her dumbest plan she has in this series! You know from the start that this plan makes absolutely no Goddamn sense, but then you have to sit there for the next six to ten minutes and watch it fail. You have to watch the metaphorical car crash unfold. The show definitely has a niche style of humor that won't be for everyone, but I personally can't get enough of it.  Now, while the show has gotten mixed to positive reviews from fans and critics, those who do dislike the show site a major problem with the series being how it deals with the topic of social anxiety. Many say that the show does not tackle the topic with much tack or grace, as the series is basically about laughing at how miserable Tomoko is because of her illness. Not to mention the fact that pretty much no adult in the series tries in anyway to actually help Tomoko through her problem. Not even her parents. Many argue that this show is taking the subject to lightly. Honestly though, I disagree with this analysis, and honestly I have no idea where they would get this idea from.

Oh, Tomoko! You're so CRAY CRAY! Ha Ha! You see, it's funny because social anxiety is hilarious!  Okay, in all seriousness, I can get that complaint. Heck, now that I think about it, I honestly don't think this story would have been able to air if it came out in America due to the way it handles the issue. So the question becomes "is this show offensive to people with social anxiety disorder"? Well, I don't think so. The show does play a lot of the social anxiety stuff for laughs, but it is also played for drama as well. Tomoko's whole character arc is about her learning to cope with her condition while also trying to conquer it. And while I don't have social anxiety disorder (Though I am EXTREMELY introverted, so take of that what you will.) I think that the story would be very inspiring for someone who does have it. Watamote is a lot like an TV-MA rated version of the comic strip Peanuts, (hear me out, here!) Like Charlie Brown Tomoko is a character that the world is just out to get. She tries her hardest, but from the very beginning we know that failure is inevitable. But Tomoko never stops trying. And when she does have even the smallest of victories it feels all the more satisfying. Because Tomoko does change over the course of the twelve episodes. The change is very gradual, but as the series goes on she does become more and more confident speaking around other people, and it feels like a real accomplishments, even though it's clear at the end of the series that she still has quite a way to go. Even her motivations change over the course of the series, going from "Wanting to be the most popular girl in school and having a boyfriend" to "Just wanting a boyfriend" to "Just wanting to have a friend." It shows the struggles that comes with anxiety, but it also shows that with hard work you can rise above it, even if it's only one step at a time. For a comedy driven show it actually has a lot of heart behind it. And it's this heart that I think keeps the show from being just a show that uses social anxiety as a punchline, into a series that really treats the issue with the respect it should be treated with, albeit in a comedic way.

 The show treads a careful line into dipping into "torture porn" territory (Which, for anyone who is not aware, is a term often used to describe a show that features one character suffering over and over again for no good reason. BTDubz, we also learn is one of Tomoko's kinks.) What I mean is that as an audience member you want to watch the main character succeed in there endeavors. However, Tomoko fails ninety nine percent of the time. The series could easily dip to far and end up becoming too depressing and mean spirited. But luckily there able to carefully avoid this my making almost of Tomoko's suffering is caused by internal forces, not external. No one actually bullies Tomoko for her condition, or anything. it just that most people don't know she exists. If Tomoko could actually just talk to someone instead of overthinking things she wouldn't have a problem making friends at all. This stops the series from coming across as overly mean spirited. Because it is Tomoko, or more specifically her condition, that makes her life hard. Not anyone or anything else. Tomoko life is separated from all of her peers, and the show cleverly illustrates this by having a lot of the background characters being drawn without faces. Because, to Tomoko, there just a faceless mob. That and it probably helps cut cost on the character design budget-

 Also, the fact that Tomoko is such a jerky character also helps the series feel less like a torture porn. Cause while obviously you don't want Tomoko to suffer, it is a lot easier to watch a lovable jerk suffer compared to someone who did nothing wrong. I mean seriously, look at the way Tomoko talks about her only friend Yuu in her internal monologue!

She's such a jerk!  But because we know what she goes through it stops her from becoming to unlikeable...For the most part.  That leads me into some of the flaws with the show. While I do really love this show a lot, I believe that everything has pros and cons to it, and it deserves to be talked about. Just keep in mind though that many of these flaws are kinda nitpicks, that don't distract too much from the series as a whole.  Sometimes Tomoko can come across as to mean spirited and unlikeable. The bit before the train scene in episode four is probably the worst of it, though there at least she does learn that she was wrong. The show also has a tendency to reuse music from previous episodes, which while not that bad does get fairly noticeable as the series goes on. The series also has a lot of references to both Japanese pop cultural references and references and Japaness culture in general. For some reason a lot of the Japanese brand names or anime series that are names dropped in the series are censored out in the sub? It's weird because there not removed like they are in the dub, but they'll have one or two letters blocked out. I don't get the point. But yeah, a lot of those jokes went over my head, and would probably work better if I knew more about day to day life of a Japanese youth.  Also the ending of the series is kinda lackluster. I'm not going to go into spoilers, but Watamote is based off of a manga. A manga that is still running today, so they didn't really have an ending they could adapt. And it's kinda clear from the feeling of the finale that the people behind the anime didn't really know what to do when they got to the end of there twelve episode run. The finale isn't really that bad to be completely honest, but it does feel like a very abrupt end written by people who where just kinda guessing what the ending of the manga might end up being like.  Also, while I don't see this as a flaw, this show will not be everybody. This show will make you feel uncomfortable. A lot of scenes are really hard to watch, just due to how intentionally awkward they are. I kept out A LOT of the really cringy moments from the show out of the review as not to spoil them, but trust me. It gets truly hard to watch at some points. This is Butch Hartman's YouTube channel levels of cringe! (Okay, that's a lie, nothing is that cringe. Sorry Watamote.) It's both the shows greatest strength and greatest weakness. The humor is both very unique but also very niche, which is why while this show was fairly successful when it came out, I would find very few people other than myself who would call it one of there favorite anime series.  Now, it's time to talk about the age old debate. How should you watch the series, Dubbed or Subbed? Well, honestly, I don't really care. It's your life man, As long as you're not hurting anybody what do I care? But if you wanted my opinion, I'd be happy to share it with you! Since most of the lines come from Tomoko she'll be the big deciding factor. For the sub we have the performance of Izumi Kitta. Ms. Kitta nails the role of Tomoko in my personal opinion. She has such a meek and high pitched voice that it really sells the emotional scenes in the series. When Tomoko is forced to talk to someone in the sub her voice is at a near inaudible whisper, which really does help give you the sense that Tomoko is truly unable to communicate with most people. In the dub Tomoko is played by voice acting legend Monica Rial. Her take on Tomoko's voice is less cutesy and is a lot more nasally, which does work as an interpretation. She captures the comedy moments really well too. However, I feel like she isn't as good at capturing the moments of anxiety as well as Kitta, and due to Kitta managing to pull of the comedic and the touching side I think her take is the better version.  No offence to Monica Rial though. I do love the fact that her version of Tomoko sounds like a cross between Renge from Ouran High School Host Club  (Who she also voices in the dub) and Peridot from Steven Universe. THAT'S A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN I TELLS' YA!

 So in the end, should you watch Watamote? Well, I think it depends on who you are. The series won't be for everyone. It's brand of humor is very unique, and will likely turn a lot of people off. But I think if you're the type of person who likes weird, uncomfortable humor they'll be something for you here. ESPECIALLY if you're shy or introverted. There will definitely be a part of you who will be able to relate to the show, even if you're not exactly proud that you related to it. The series is also only twelve episodes, so it isn't that much of a commitment. It's really a shame that it's only twelve episodes though, as they only ended up adapting about three and a half volumes out of the still ongoing ten volume run. They could of done more if they wanted too. But then again, leave them wanting more as they say. (That way you can force them to buy your manga set...) The series can be found subbed on Crunchyroll for free, or on Hulu if you already have an account. Unfortunately the only way to find the series dubbed legally is on DVD or blu-ray sets, and those are about thirty bucks on Amazon here in the US. However, depending on your financial situation it may just be worth it...(But God knows I don't have that kind of money!) If this review got you at all interested consider checking the series out.  So that's my review of the anime series Watamote. What do you think of the series? Which moment was the hardest to watch for you? Tell me all that in the comments down bellow. I'd love to start a conversation, even if you don't necessarily agree with all of the points I've made. Please fav, follow, and comment if you liked this review, or if you have any suggestions for any other reviews in the future. Have a great day. (Interesting fact. Whenever I'm at work during my lunch break at work I will either go to the bookstore that's right by my work establishment or I'll just sit in the break room reading my volumes of  Watamote mangas by myself while trying to make it so my co-workers can't see what I am reading. THIS SHOW IS SO ME AND THAT'S NOT A GOOD THING-) (I do not own any of the images or videos in this review all credit goes to there original owners.)

https://www.deviantart.com/joyofcrimeart/journal/Watamote-REVIEW-Oh-the-Cringe-698766244 DA Link

[laytonscreencaps]

Kat's Dream - Analysis of a Scene

(Mildish spoilers, mainly vague references to the final case. I use LMJ to refer to the new series as a whole, MC for the game itself, Katrielle and the Millionaires' Conspiracy.)

I want to talk about the opening of MC, because not only is it one of my favorite cutscenes in the game, it serves as a striking contrast to MC at large. I find it an intriguing addition that hints at the unfolding of a larger story, one that, if the title is any indication, could shape up to be the new series' driving force. Buckle down for a long post that often segues into review of the game as a whole.

For the most part, MC is comical, light-hearted, and laid-back, offering a much more relaxed tone then previous entries in the series. There's nothing wrong with this. The whole "darker always equals better" mindset is, frankly, ridiculous. I appreciate and enjoy when dark elements are well-handled and well-placed in any story, but a comedy should never be deemed inferior to a more serious work on the sole basis of genre alone. The two have different goals and, often, different approaches to characters and story-lines. That said, MC is very comfortable as a character-based comedy where the majority of the humor stems from the heightening of characters' flaws, clever wordplay and banter, and playing around with stereotypes (with a pinch of physical and scatological humor thrown in there, too. The game draws from a wide variety of comedic genres and it's really fun to see different cases reflect different kinds of humor. "Ghost Busted" delights in Scooby-dooesque hijinks, while "Ratman Returns" pokes fun at the current superhero craze and its obsession with franchising). 

Of course, MC isn't entirely estranged from its roots. Each case ends with a decidedly emotional resolution, culminating in the final case that, while not entirely original, succeeds in fleshing out a certain character in a genuine and heartfelt manner that is very much in keeping with the spirit of the original Layton games.

I personally loved MC's blend of comedy and emotion, even as I found myself longing for a more coherent over-arching story. The millionaire's conspiracy mentioned in the title does ultimately tie the cases together in a loose fashion, but for the most part these cases can be played in any order and each have their own set-up and resolution, acting as standalone "episodes". I would argue that Mystery Room handled its episodic structure much better than MC, but this has less to do with the structure itself and more to do with the nature of the cases. MC is just very small-scale compared to previous Layton titles and that's a rough adjustment. Yet examining the game as whole reveals that it is, indeed, setting up an even larger, presumably game-spanning story, one that figures only faintly into MC, but will no doubt continue to grow and take precedence as the series unfolds. This larger story is, of course, related to the main title, Layton's Mystery Journey, and the opening cutscene is our most candid look at what this larger story entails.

We open on an overhead of London, shrouded in fog, before cutting to a young girl, Katrielle racing through the streets in her pajamas. She stops when she catches sight of a man in the distance, Professor Layton. She call out to him, but the Professor merely touches his hat with an implacable smile and turns. As he walks away, Kat begins to chase after him again, continuing to call after him, asking where he is going. She finally stops, out of breath, as the fog closes in around her. Older Kat suddenly awakens in bed with a gasp, tears in her eyes.

This scene effectively establishes several important things for the player in a manner that allows the player to see for themselves, and to feel, instead of simply being told the necessary information:

Kat is the Professor's daughter.

Professor left Kat when she was young. 

Kat doesn't know the Professor's whereabouts or why he left. 

Kat has been deeply affected by her father's disappearance.

While this information has not a lot of direct bearing on the main story, it is still essential. After all, the Professor's disappearance is a large part of the reason why Katrielle decides to pursue a career as a private detective in the first place. Her relationship to the Professor shapes her as a character and it also allows her to play a pivotal role in the game's final case. Yet there is no resolution to the questions brought up in this opening dream sequence. In fact, we have even more questions to ponder by the time the game ends. The implications are clear: the mystery of the missing Prof is only beginning.

I would love to see the series delve deeper into this mystery, broadening its scope, storytelling, and character development, while remaining rooted in the character-based comedy established in MC. Honestly, this is one of my favorite forms of story-telling. In fact, MC with its focus on humor and character dynamics while simultaneously offering fleeting, tantalizing hints at a darker, deeper, over-arching story reminds me of the beginning of one of my favorite comic series, Jeff Smith's BONE. Long story short: three cousins are run out of their hometown and find themselves lost in a medieval, fantasy world. While the series begins by focusing almost exclusively on all manner of comic shenanigans involving the three Bone cousins as they adjust to their new surroundings, a larger story begins to unfold in the background, until it finally takes center stage and plunges the characters into the middle of a war with incredibly high stakes. All the while the comic elements and focus on character relationships are kept intact, serving as an amazing foil and complement to the more serious elements. I could see LMJ doing something similar and the idea has me really excited.

Of course, this isn't to say MC can't still be enjoyed on its own. I hope no one thinks I'm implying the game only finds its worth when connected to a larger story. Not at all. The game is enjoyable in and of itself without figuring the "mystery journey" into the equation. Comparisons are inevitable, however and the fact that MC strives to so fully emulate the gameplay mechanics of its predecessors makes the comparisons even more likely. MC is a lot of fun and sometimes emotionally candid, but the sprawling, rich mysteries of previous titles that tie everything together are sorely missed. There's nothing wrong with MC's structure by itself, but when placed next to its legacy the game feels oddly lacking. Always a problem when trying to continue an old series in a new direction. Changes must be made to keep the series fresh, but these changes will always be under the critical eye of comparison. 

MC's lack of a clear over-arching plot is part of the reason why the dream sequence and the greater mystery implied excite me so much. They add a whole new layer to the game, a depth that is rife with potential for future entries. I feel a bit self-conscious saying this, because of course there is marketing on the mind with these tantalizing hints that link MC to the original series without giving us anything substantial. I suppose it's my optimism and respect for the series that leads me to believe the "mystery journey" of the title isn't just a gimmick, but a story worth building up to and exploring. Time will tell. 

So, anyway, we've talked about the "what" of the dream scene, but I also want to discuss the "how". How the dream sequence gets its information across. Because there's so many noticeable contrasts from the rest of the game that are worth noting. 

The music. This is the only part in MC where we hear Professor Layton's theme. Even in the original series, the theme was used sparingly, usually saved for moments when the Professor was at his best---inventing a contraption to help him escape a dire situation or exposing the true mastermind. It makes sense that the theme would be utilized in a dream centered on the Prof. The version of the theme used in MC is slower, more contemplative and mysterious. The original series was largely in Luke's perspective (the opening letter framing device would support this), so I wonder if the Professor's theme is in part shaped from Luke's perspective of his mentor. If so, this version of the theme could be shaped from Katrielle's perspective. Same Professor, different perspective. Despite Kat's close relation to the Professor, he has become an enigma. 

The atmosphere. The London of MC is a warm and inviting place. Even the seedy alleyways of Bowlyn Hill are home to low-lifes who actually harbor hearts of gold. In contrast to UF's focus on political corruption, London in MC is run by a competent and passionate mayor. Most of the cases end not in unremorseful criminals being arrested, but sincere mistakes or confessions that lead to personal growth. This honey-colored optimism has always been present in the PL series, but it seems especially heightened in MC, probably due to the tone decided on from the beginning: the game is a comedy and character's short-comings are treated with both laughter and sympathy. This gold-tinged glow spills over to the setting. The London in Kat's dream, however, is far different. The dream portrays an empty city, one blanketed in thick fog, so thick it swallows Katrielle at the end. The buildings are gray and serve as a claustrophobic framing device. Notice how the road appears to stretch as Katrielle chases after her father. The city itself seems to scheme against her, all the while hosting an indifferent facade. It is an impersonal, desolate city. 

Katrielle. In the dream, Kat appears to be around 6-8 years of age in contrast to her current age in MC, which is twenty-one. The obvious reason for this is that her dream reflects the actual circumstances of her father leaving her. It's fairly safe to assume Kate was a young girl at the time, thus, the dream serves as a dramatic distillation of her memories, sort of a recap boiled down to its emotional essence. I can't help but think, however, that her young age in the dream is also indicative of her vulnerability regarding her father's disappearance and perhaps even her emotional immaturity. I've mentioned in a previous post that one of Kat's most prominent flaws is her childishness. While often played for laughs, this trait could point to something deeper. Kat hasn't completely matured and this connects in some way to her father leaving her behind.

Another interesting contrast is Kat's reaction to the dream and how she treats her father's disappearance when discussing it with others. Kat wakes up in tears after the dream and there's a moment right afterwards were she slowly sits up and gazes forlornly at her lap in the middle of her darkened room in silence. A small, but surprisingly powerful moment. His disappearance has deeply hurt her, yet when talking about his disappearance to Lucy, Sherl, and Ernest on different occasions she displays a decidedly nonchalant attitude, denying she is a "daddy's girl" and joking about the matter, calling the Professor a "silly old fool", even suggesting he is enjoying himself wherever he is and has simply lost track of the time. All of this points to Kat concealing her darker emotions regarding the Professor, in favor of making light of the situation and seeing it with an optimistic bent. I think this says loads about her character, but that's a post for another time. 

Finally, the dream scene is bereft of any comedic elements. Even the final case in the game manages to slip in a bit of humor, but the opening is solemn and gray. Let me rephrase this: the beginning sequence of the most light-hearted and comical entry in the PL series is perhaps its most serious, troubling, and darkest moment. Yes, it's only a dream. But the implications...The Professor, the paragon of gentlemanly conduct and solid rock for his friends and family, is shown silent, faceless, turning his back on not just someone in need, but his own daughter. The one who proclaimed that every puzzle has an answer has now become a seemingly unsolvable puzzle himself. Of course, there is more to the story, but what a way to open a game that delights in dog puns, collecting outfits, and tidy resolutions. Such an intriguing contrast. 

There's a lot more I want to say about MC, but for now I'll close by saying I'm cautiously excited for the series' future and how this contrast between comedy and drama will play out. My hopes is that LJM will ultimately carve out its own unique identity while making insightful and meaningful connections to the previous series instead of merely piggy-backing on its predecessor via indulgent cameos and throwaway references (I’d like to clarify there is nothing inherently wrong with cameos or references, they only become a problem when they are used in place of genuine story-telling and character development). MC is a flawed game and the fact that the scattered collection of hints related to a larger story is one of its most interesting elements underscores the game's weaknesses while also pointing to many future possibilities. 

So. Do we really want LMJ or do we just want the original series but new and different, yet somehow still the same? Does MC ultimately succeed in being original? Questions for another post. Personally, my own feelings are mixed. I genuinely loved the game and its new cast of characters while also recognizing its many flaws and shortcomings. For now, share your thoughts if you'd like. What did you think of MC? Agree or disagree with anything I've said here? Optimistic or cynical about the series' future? Another perspective on the dream scene? Let's discuss.

[pigeonphd]

I wrote a short story a few months ago for a school project that was meant to both be a prequel to the main Project Scorpion storyline and stand as its own narrative. Since I’m really proud of it and a few of my online friends have expressed interest in it, I’ve decided to post it here. It takes place about a year before the main Scorpion storyline and is a good way for people to understand the world and one of the protagonists without me having to explain it in a really long and confusing way. Keep in mind, though, that it’s really long for a tumblr post (As in, six full pages in Google Docs long).

It was pretty quiet for a Friday night. Not that nights in the city were ever quiet, but it seemed as if the unusual chilliness of the October evening was keeping more people inside than usual. Sitting a hundred feet above the ground on an abandoned building overlooking the city’s glittering, opulent downtown, Eliza could certainly feel the cold. But hey, she thought to herself, at least she had Christian next to her to keep her warm.

Both she and Christian knew where their relationship would end up. Yes, they were dating now, but they were two entirely different people, going in two entirely different directions. They were on two different paths that just happened to align for now. Then they would split off again and Eliza knew she would be on her own. She estimated their relationship to last a year, maybe a year and a half.

It would be good while it lasted, though. Maybe it could be something for her to write about later on. If she ever started writing again. Then again, she might very well never have the time nor the energy to pick up a pencil for a while. Between running her little convenience store and making sure her little sister didn’t keep blowing off her homework, Eliza hardly had time for anything anymore.

The two young adults sat next to each other, Christian leaning against Eliza. His hand on top of hers. Their skin, hers dark and his darker, reflecting the glittering lights from the downtown buildings. Neither of them spoke.

“Do you hear that?” asked Christian, breaking the silence and interrupting Eliza’s thoughts. She listened, and she could hear the faint sound of music in the air.

“Oh yeah,” she said. “That pop concert. My sister Emily’s there right now.”

“Sunrise,” Christian said as he looked over Eliza’s shoulder in the direction the stadium would be. “Aren’t they a rock band, though?”

Eliza shrugged. “Emily swears up and down they’re rock, but I’m skeptical. Not that I really know the difference.” She closed her eyes and leaned back against Christian. “Doesn’t matter. They’re trash either way.”

“Harsh.”

“Not really,” said Eliza. “Not only do they sound mediocre at best, but they’re a bunch of dumb hypocrites to boot.”

Christian laughed. “Yeah, a little, not gonna lie.”

Eliza mimed holding a microphone. “‘Follow your dreams!’” she shouted dramatically. “‘Get out there and do something! Be the change you want to see in the world! Sponsored by American Zenith.’ Honestly.”

American Zenith. An enormous multifaceted corporation that likely had more power over the country than the actual government did at this point. In fact, a popular conspiracy theory stated that Zenith was the one who landed the country in a political and economic mess in the first place. It wasn’t that unreasonable, looking at the way it treated both its workers and the general public. Zenith was well known in Eliza’s neighborhood for its greed and corruption. And yet the company claimed that it would be the one to repair the damage that had been done over the last decade or so. “People are so gullible,” Eliza said.

“I dunno,” said Christian. “If Sunrise is inspiring people, then that’s something, right?”

“Inspiring people? More like pacifying people.” Eliza snapped back. “They can talk and sing all they want, but I don’t see any change happening.”

“Maybe it’s not about change,” said Christian. “Maybe it’s about hope. Hope that someday we’ll live a world where things are okay, where things are–”

“But we don’t live in that world!” protested Eliza. “We live in a world where practically everybody is stuck at the bottom. It’s a world where nobody has any control over their lives, and the people who are in charge don’t care about anybody except themselves. It’s a worst-case scenario, and no amount of hope is going to change that.”

Christian shifted away from Eliza, causing her to nearly lose her balance. For a moment, he just studied her face, saying nothing. Eliza turned away, uncomfortable with the level of scrutiny.

“Do you ever think about going to college?” he asked suddenly, catching Eliza off guard.

“Uh… no, I guess,” she replied. “I don’t have the time or the money.”

“I thought that too, a few years ago,” said Christian. “But one day I just decided that that was what I wanted to do. And yeah, community college isn’t exactly glamorous, and it’s really hard to stay afloat, but it was something that I could do, so I just went ahead and did it.”

Eliza glared at him. “That’s nice. Come back and talk to me when you have a younger sister to take care of as well as yourself, with no parents around to speak of.”

Christian put his hands up in surrender. “No, I didn’t mean–that’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is that yeah, the world sucks. Yeah, Zenith is a plague that needs to be taken down a few dozen notches. And yet…” He paused, looking lost for words. “I’m still going to community college anyway. Does that make sense?”

“Not really,” Eliza replied, closing her eyes and tilting her head back. She could still hear the band Sunrise playing from downtown. It was a different sound now. Slower. It was far too faint to make out the words that were being sung, or even the tune, really. From this far away, it was really just noise with structure. It left her with an odd, disconnected feeling.

“Those guys,” Christian said, pointing downtown, “They’re never going to change the world. And they’re never going to inspire anyone else to change the world. But they might inspire some kid to go to community college, when maybe that kid never thought about it before.”

Eliza shook her head. “I still don’t get it.”

“Normal people, they…” Christian started, then huffed in frustration. “It takes a really special person to change the world. You have to be in the right place at the right time, you have to want it, and I mean really want it, you need a lot of resources… Normal people, we can never do that. But that doesn’t mean we can’t do anything. We can’t change the world, but we can change ourselves, and we can change the people around us, and sometimes that’s enough.”

He was making a little more sense now. And that sentiment was just so him.

“That sounds like something someone says to distract themselves from everything falling apart around them.” Eliza said.

Christian studied her face again. Trying to think of what to say, no doubt. Trying to figure out some way to make her see what he did, not realizing that she never would. He was an optimist, and she envied that about him. He was the kind of person who could forget the world, just for a moment, and feel something akin to joy. She could never do that. She’d never been able to. Every waking moment of her life was a reminder that society was a step away from collapse. That she’d probably end up like her mother someday, a drug addict living on a back alley in a neighborhood that all the sensible people had abandoned long ago. That Emily would be left to fend for herself someday, in a world gone mad.

“Eliza.” Christian said. “Are you angry?”

“Angry?”

“Are you angry at the world? Do you hate the fact that American Zenith and fate conspired against you to make your life what it is? Does thinking about the future make you want to break something?”

“Of course,” said Eliza. “Haven’t you been listening?”

“Then go do something.”

“What?”

“Do something. Anything! It doesn’t matter! Save the world, or don’t, I don’t care.” Christian threw his hands up in exasperation. “But don’t sit and complain and then do nothing. That’s the worst thing you can ever do.”

Eliza didn’t know how to respond to that, so she didn’t say anything. The two let the echo of music float between them for a few moments.

Finally, Christian spoke up again. “You should finish writing your book.”

“My book?”

Eliza’s “book” was a collection of short stories that was barely coherent, and certainly not worthy of being looked at by anyone but herself and a select few others. Like Christian and Emily. She’d been writing it on and off for the past few years, mostly to fill what little free time she had.

“Yeah, your book. Life sucks, but you like writing, right? So write your book. Really write it.”

“And what will that do?”

“Something. That’s the point, remember? Write about anything. But keep writing. You might surprise yourself with where it goes.” Christian stood up. “I gotta go,” he said. “I think… I think you need to figure out what to do next on your own. But it’s a suggestion, right?”

“I guess…” said Eliza.

Christian kissed her on the cheek. “Good. See you around, okay?” He walked back towards the stairs, leaving Eliza on the rooftop by herself. She said nothing as he left.

She waited there in silence for a while. The band had stopped playing music, and the singer was saying something now, something that Eliza couldn’t hear.

Write her book.

Christian was right, it was something. She knew she would never really see what he meant, why he did what he did, but what she could understand was writing.

And as she idly listened to the singer’s voice in the distance, Eliza figured she could probably write better than that idiot.

[minijenn]

Universe Falls Chapter 37

Ehhhhhh this chapter is a fucking mess my dudes but whatever I kinda knew it would be from the start. But then again at least its over with because that means only one chapter stands between me and the angst train and I honestly don’t think it’ll be that hard to write. As for this one, yeah its pretty whatever. But don’t let me stop you from liking it if you’re so inclined! Enjoy!

Previous: http://minijenn.tumblr.com/post/162210680029/universe-falls-chapter-36

Chapter 37: Blendin’s Game

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Year 207̃012

The Infinitentiary was by far one of history’s most infamous, most impregnable prisons, built to contain the worst of the worst offenders of the laws of space time. The Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron ran a right ship in the prison under Time Baby’s strict command, ensuring that all of the criminals locked within its heavily guarded walls received the punishment they deserved for their time-related felonies. The correctional facility itself was suspended high above the surface of the Earth, its floating structure making escaping from it a nearly impossible feat. But that wasn’t to say it never happened, especially since such a fabled, unheard of, and daring escape was currently in progress.

Of course, the moment said escape was discovered, the Infinitentiary was put into a full -n lockdown, with all of its many gates and doors sealed tightly shut and all of its alarms blaring loudly. All available squadron officers were on the call to hunt down the fleeing conflict and bring him back to the prison, dead or alive. But this particular prisoner was crafty; he had to be to break out of a facility as fortified and inescapable as the Infinitentiary. He hurried through the darkened, bustling city streets far below the facility, all while under the cover of a cloak he had managed to swipe before his jailbreak. A sizable faction of squadron officers were hot on his tail, with seasoned operatives Lolph and Dundgren leading the pack, intent on catching the criminal and putting him behind bars once more.

“I’ve got to hand it to this perp,” Dundgren remarked to his partner as they perused their target down an alleyway. “He’s pulled off quite the getaway. No one’s ever broken out of the Infinitentiary before.”

“He’s either the bravest time convict I’ve ever seen,” Lolph said with a nod of agreement. “Or the dumbest.”

Almost as soon as the time officer said this, however, the criminal they were after just so happened to blindly crash into a nearby wall, clumsily stumbling backwards with a very loud, very overt cry of pain. The runaway ended up tripping over a large stack of barrels, knocking them over as he fell himself, his hood accidentally dropping to reveal his identity to the gathering crowd of both squadron officers and spectators: Blendin Blandin.

“Ow!” the former time officer cried, ignoring said crowd as he grabbed his injured leg. “My time knee! Oh, time dang it!”

“Definitely, the dumbest,” Dundgren deadpanned as him and Lolph finally caught up to the escaped convict.

“Freeze!” Lolph ordered as his fellow officers circled the very startled Blendin, who could really do nothing to run and hide at this juncture. “You’re surrounded by the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron! Anything you say can and already has been used against you in future court.”

“W-wha—but I-” Blendin attempted to come up with anything to say in his defense, but Dundgren succinctly cut him off before he could even get so much as a coherent word out.

“This is it, Blendin,” the officer said coldly as a few of the other officers secured the perp’s wrists with time cuffs. “End of the time line. Any last words?”

“Uh… Uh… I-I-I… Uh…” Blendin stammered, sweating nervously as his mind raced to come up with a way out of being sent back into the harsh, unforgiving walls of the Infinitentiary. And fortunately for him, he managed to think of the perfect way just in the nick of time. “I… I invoke GLOBNAR!”

The surrounding crowd let out a collective gasp upon hearing this, the very word sending a ripple of shocked and fearful whispers throughout it. But even despite the alarming connotations the very mention of Globnar carried, the squadron officers were unfazed by Blendin’s bold proclamation of it. “Very well,” Dundgren said, pulling out a tablet. “Speak the name and century of those accused.”

“The three kids who ruined my life,” the former time officer snarled bitterly. “Dipper and Mabel Pines and Steven Universe. 21st century.”

As soon as Blendin named the kids, Dundgren’s tablet easily located them from centuries ago. A live feed clip of the twins playfully whacking each other with soft bats as the young Gem laughingly joined in seconds later popped up, the trios’ names listed plainly underneath. Almost instantly, this video was transmitted to every screen and monitor within a several mile radius, the words “Globnar Tributes” branded across it in large, foreboding red letters. A wide, almost manic grin spread across Blendin’s face as he saw this, knowing that the revenge he had spent many a prison night dreaming of was soon about to become a reality.

“So be it,” Lolph said grimly, nodding to the former time officer as the young trio’s fate was sealed. “May Time Baby have mercy on their souls.”

Present day

The Mystery Shack’s vending machine wasn’t often fully stocked, with Stan only bothering to get it filled once every few weeks, or whenever any visiting tourists got so puckish that they began snacking on the exhibits themselves. And seeing as how a guest had taken a pretty sizable bite out of the cornicorn the previous day, the empty machine had been completely filled with snacks and sweets, much to the shared excitement of the kids, who were determined to be its first customers.

“Excuse me!” Steven called as him and Connie navigated their way past a group of gift shop customers, following not too far behind the twins as they rushed for the full machine. “Sorry!”

“Outta the way!” Mabel exclaimed much more boisterously, somewhat rudely pushing her way through the crowd amidst her hungry excitement. Still Dipper made sure to offer the customer his sister had unintentionally knocked over a terse apology before all four of the kids reached the tantalizing array of treats.

“There it is, you guys,” Dipper remarked with a broad smile as the four of them stood before it. “A completely full vending machine, just waiting for us to empty it.”

“I’ve never seen it stuffed full of so many tasty things!” Steven quipped, stars in his eyes. “Gummy Koalas, Cheese Balls, Pop-Pops… I can’t even decide what I wanna have first!”

“I wanna have everything first!” Mabel practically shouted, just as enthused.

“Well, unfortunately, we can only get one snack out of there at a time,” Connie chuckled, pulling a dollar out of her pocket. “Still, it’s not like we don’t have plenty of them to choose from.” The others watched in eager anticipation as she slid the dollar into the machine, pressing the buttons for the first selection, a bag of candy. All four of the kids pressed their faces to the glass, all of them cheering excitedly as the coil pushed the snack forward, only for it, against all odds, to come to an abrupt halt right before the candy could drop, much to their shared alarm and chagrin.

“No!” Dipper exclaimed in apt dismay. “It’s trapped!”

“Everything is terrible forever!” Mabel wailed, pounding her fists against the machine to no avail.

“They should make laws against this!” Steven cried, quite upset.

“What do we do now?” Connie asked with thoroughly disappointed frown.

“Psst! Hey, dudes!” Soos suddenly interjected, walking past the morose group with a broom in hand. “You wanna know a trick?” A sly grin spread across the handyman’s face as he rhythmically tapped the side of the vending machine. “Bibbity-bob. Wop!” At this, the machine’s door miraculously swung open, something that completely impressed and delighted the kids at once. “A genius taught me that once. This just in,” Soos’ smirk widened as he reached into the open machine and grabbed a generous armful of treats. “The weather station’s calling for a… candy blizzard!”

The kids cheered brightly as the handyman tossed his haul upon them, most of the candy landing in their outstretched arms while the few pieces that did fall to the floor were quickly recovered. “Forget taking off the wrappers, I’m eating these now!” Mabel exclaimed with a daring grin as she proceeded to do just that. Steven laughed in amusement as he watched her humorously struggle to do so, before throwing caution to the wind and shoving his armful of candy into his own mouth as well.

“Ah! This isn’t working anywhere near as well as I thought it would!” Steven cried amidst his full mouth, his arms flailing as him and Mabel crashed into each other in a reckless panic.

“Augh! This was a mistake!” Mabel shouted, choking on her candy from her spot beside Steven on the floor.

“Not that this isn’t awesome or anything, Soos,” Connie spoke up as her smile faded into slight worry. “But won’t Mr. Pines be mad about you breaking into the vending machine and giving us all this free candy.”

“Eh, I’ll just tell Mr. Pines to take it out of my next paycheck,” Soos shrugged blithely. “I mean, I was gonna use that money to buy candy anyway, so I figured I might as well spread a little of that sugary action to you guys, just ‘cause.”

“Soos, you are the greatest human to ever life,” Dipper said with a sincere smile.

“Hey, no sweat, dude,” the handyman grinned, taking the compliment in stride as he casually adjusted his hat. “After all, I’d do anything for the Pines family.”

“Soos!” Stan suddenly called from the den. “I need to scratch myself in two places at once!”

“And I mean anything,” Soos said with resolve upon hearing this, turning to heed his boss’ call. “Coming, Mr. Pines!”

“Are you two gonna be… ok?” Connie asked, turning to Steven and Mabel as Soos left. The pair was in the middle of practicing the Heimlich maneuver on each other so they could cough up the candy they were both respectively choking on. Mabel had already mostly recovered, and as she finished helping Steven, the young Gem collapsed fully onto the ground in slight exhaustion.

“Y-yeah! We’re good!”

“Whoa, guys, check it out,” Dipper said, heading over to the nearby table. “Looks like Soos left his wallet behind. Better make sure we get it back to him.”

“Wait!” Mabel jumped to her feet and rushed over. “I’ve never seen Soos’ wallet before. Don’t you wanna learn some Soos secrets?”

“Oh! I’d love to!” Steven initially agreed. “But, uh… isn’t that sort of like invading his privacy?”

“Yeah, I don’t know if we should—whoa!” Dipper cut himself off upon noticing a card peeking out of the handyman’s wallet. “Soos has a membership at the laser tag place? I didn’t know they let adults in there.”

“Ooo, and he’s got a punch card for Fish Stew Pizza too!” the young Gem quipped, pulling said card out of the wallet. “I gotta hand it to Soos, he has really good taste!”

“I’m not sure if I’d call a place that only serves fish-flavored pizza ‘good taste’…” Connie remarked with a dubious frown.

“That might not be good taste, but this totally is!” Mabel interjected as she pulled a slice of salami, of all things, out of the wallet next. “Emergency salami! Soos, my respect for you has grown.”

“Jésus Alzamirano Ramirez,” Dipper read off of Soos’ driver’s license out of mere curiosity alone. “Organ donor. 6 foot, 1…”

“And hey, look at that,” Connie cut in, also looking over the license. “His birthday… that’s today, isn’t it?”

“Whoa, it is!” Mabel gasped as she caught a glimpse of the date.

“Oh no!” Steven exclaimed fretfully. “And we didn’t even get him anything! This is a travesty of injustice! Out of anyone’s birthday, how could we have forgotten Soos’?!”

“Because I don’t think he actually told anyone about it, Steven,” Dipper clarified with a frown. “Which is pretty weird when you think about it. Why would Soos just not mention that his birthday was coming up?”

“Uh, duh!” Mabel exclaimed. “It’s probably because he wants someone to throw him a surprise party! I can relate; I’ve been waiting for a surprise party my whole life.”

Ironically enough, at this juncture Candy happened to run in out of nowhere, cheerfully tossing a handful of confetti onto Mabel from behind. “Surprise!”

“Too little, too late, Chiu,” Mabel responded coldly, turning to face her friend with an unimpressed scowl.

“Aw…” Candy sighed in disappointment as she sulked off.

“Wait, guys! I just had a great idea!” Steven quipped with an excited gasp. “What if we threw Soos a surprise birthday party?! After all, he’s always so helpful and nice and fun; it’s only fair that we show him how much we appreciate everything he does by throwing him the awesome party he’s been waiting for!”

“That is a great idea, Steven!” Connie smiled as they twins nodded their enthusiastic agreement with this plan.

“Yeah!” Mabel chimed in brightly. “Between the four of us, we’ll throw Soos the biggest, best, and most surprisiest birthday party he’s ever had! Now…” she trailed off with a sly smile, one that the others shared as they huddled together. “Let’s… get… party… planning!”

Despite the relatively short notice they were on, the kids managed to put their impromptu party plans into action rather quickly, setting things up in front of the shack and doing so quickly in the hopes that Soos wouldn’t prematurely notice. To ensure things went off without a hitch, the four had contracted a bit of help with their altruistic endeavor; Mabel had easily brought Candy and Grenda in to aid in setting things up, and Steven had little trouble getting Greg to come by and help out as well. Amethyst had been an unexpected addition to the self-proclaimed “party crew”, but merely spotting the growing layout of snacks as she passed by the shack was enough to convince her to stick around and “help” in her own unique way. After an hour or so of intensive work from everyone, they had what looked to be a very promising party to show for it. Balloons and streamers hung from the surrounding trees, bright confetti sprinkled all over the ground, and of course, the ever-growing snack table that was about to be diminished if the purple Gem had anything to do with it.

“Amethyst!” Steven called after her as he noticed her sneaking towards the table with a sly smirk. He put its attempts of trying to keep a party hat on Lion’s head aside as he rushed over to stop her, throwing himself between her and the table. “Stop! You can’t eat these yet! We have to wait for Soos to get here.”

“Aw, come on, Steven,” Amethyst stuck her tongue out in protest. “I was only gonna grab a few chips. And by a few I mean that entire bowl! And maybe some of that candy too!”

“Amethyst, no!” Steven halted her attempt to lunge past him, pushing her back a bit as he continued to block her way. “No! No…” He threw his arms out wide, sending her an unserious warning glare as she placed her hands on her hips in frustration. “No.”

“Ugh, fine!” Amethyst finally complied, petulantly walking away. “But the minute Soos gets out here, that snack table is all mine!”

“More exclamation points!” Mabel called up to Grenda as she painted a banner reading “It’s your birthday, yo!!!” “More, I say!”

“Wow, you guys thought of everything!” Grenda exclaimed with a wide smile upon finishing her work.

“Grenda, twins are born birthday experts,” Mabel remarked, sharing a confident grin with her brother.

“We’ve shared every birthday together, so we know how to make them perfect,” Dipper nodded in firm agreement. To emphasize their point, the twins cheerfully high fived and touched heels, simultaneously blowing on party horns as they kept up this playful stance.

“You know, I know a thing or two about throwing a good party myself,” Steven interjected with a coy grin. “Like the time I threw birthday parties for each of the Gems!”

“Oh yeah, I remember that,” Amethyst quipped, leaning against the young Gem. “You turned yourself into an old man and nearly kicked the bucket. Good times, good times…”

“Y-you what?!” Greg asked, alarmed as he looked to his son with clear alarm.

“Oh, don’t worry, Dad!” Steven reassured. “Everything turned out ok in the end! Well… mostly ok…”

“I feel like maybe I should be a bit more concerned with what goes on with you and the Gems when I’m not around…” the former rock star frowned worriedly.

“Guys!” Connie called out in a loud whisper, running up to the group from the other side of the shack. “Get ready! Soos is coming!”

“Ok, places, everyone!” Dipper exclaimed as they all rushed to hide behind the snack table, just out of view.

“Everyone, be QUIET!” Grenda shouted overtly, even if everyone was already in silent anticipation for the handyman’s arrival.

Fortunately, Soos was still in the dark about what was going on, quite literally seeing as how Candy had managed to blindfold him as she led him towards the party. “Alright, you promised a giant hummingbird, so I’m expecting to see a giant hummingbird,” the handyman remarked with an eager grin. Candy smirked as she exchanged a ready nod with the group peeking over the table, counting down before she yanked the blindfold off of Soos, allowing him to see the party for himself. “H-huh?!” the handyman gasped, somewhat alarmed as his smile instantly dropped.

“SURPRISE!” everyone shouted brightly as they jumped up from behind the table, rushing up to the very startled handyman.

“Happy birthday, Soos!” Mabel quipped exuberantly. “We’ve got everything you love: cake-flavored pizza, pizza-flavored cake-” Of course, as soon as she introduced these bizarre treats, Amethyst suddenly leapt onto the table, making good on her promise as she greedily and sloppily helped herself.

“…We’ll make more later,” Connie said stiffly after a moment of awkward silence.

“But for now, since you’re the birthday king, you get to wear these!” Steven exclaimed from atop Greg’s shoulders as he put a flashy crown on Soos’ head and a short red cape on his shoulders. “Dad made this awesome outfit suit for me and it brings me special birthday luck every year!”

“Eh, it’s just a little something I threw together after going to the craft store when Steven was a baby,” Greg shrugged humbly. “Still, I’m sure there’s more than enough birthday magic left in there for you, Soos.”

“O-oh… Well, uh…” Soos frowned fretfully, trying to avoid looking to the young Gem and his father as he looked to the cape on his shoulders instead. Still, no one seemed to notice his apparent discomfort as Mabel continued showing off the rest of the party.

“And we have one more treat for you…” she grinned, running up to the makeshift stage they had set up. She pulled the curtains open to reveal Toby Determined, clad in a tacky red leotard and a gaudy blue bow, tap dancing with an almost painfully awkward flair.

“Razzle dazzle, friends!” Toby exclaimed amidst his flashy dancing. “It’s the Razz-Dazzler! This is what my life has become!”

“I… I…” Soos attempted to speak up once more, his uneasiness growing more and more with each second, though he couldn’t really think of how to voice his many concerns at the moment.

“Quick! Everyone pose for the birthday smiles memory album!” Mabel exclaimed as all the kids rushed to do so.

“Ok, everyone, get in close and say ‘birthday’!” Greg grinned as he aimed the camera to snap the photo.

“Birthday!” all of the kids cheerfully proclaimed, though Soos oddly remained silent. Eager to see how the picture had turned out, they all gathered around to see it, though their excitement quickly diminished upon noticing that Soos was clearly frowning in what was otherwise a very happy photo.

“Soos, what’s wrong?” Dipper asked as everyone turned to the handyman, concerned.

“Yeah, don’t you like this super fun party we set up for you?” Steven asked with a curious frown.

“It’s, uh…  I-it’s nothing,” Soos quickly assured, though his deeply upset expression conveyed that it was likely anything but nothing. “I… um… I gotta go fix a pipe, o-or something…” Without sparing another word, the handyman turned on his heel and hurried off, his head lowered and his hands clenched into tight fists. Before he was entirely out of the vicinity, however, he did cast one more glance back over his shoulder, specifically at Steven still fondly perched upon Greg’s shoulders, before letting out a small, wistful sigh and disappearing around the corner of the shack.

“Huh, I wonder what’s up with him,” Amethyst remarked once he was out of earshot, the remains of the snacks she had eaten all over her face. “You don’t think he’s mad that I ate all his pizza cake, do ya?”

No one got a chance to respond to this, for amidst their worry over the handyman, Stan and Wendy happened to walk around the same corner Soos had just disappeared behind, both of them just as concerned. “Hey, did you guys see Soos?” Wendy asked the group with a frown, looking back in the direction the handyman had wandered off in. “What happened to—Oh, no,” She quickly cut herself off upon noticing the party, sharing an alarmed glance with Stan before she began to explain. “Ok, so you guys didn’t know so it’s not your fault, but Soos hates his birthday.”

“What?” the kids asked in bewildered unison, none of them understanding how anyone could despite their own birthday, especially someone who was usually so upbeat and cheerful like Soos.

“But why?” Greg asked, just as confused.

“It’s a total mystery,” Wendy said with a shrug. “I guess he’s been like this since he was a kid. Some weird personal biz or something.”

“There’s gotta be something we can do!” Mabel exclaimed intently.

“Yeah, isn’t there some way we can help him have a good birthday?” Connie asked fretfully.

“We’ve tried everything,” Wendy shook her head sadly.

“I even petitioned the government to have this day removed from calendars,” Stan interjected. “Because of that, I’m not allowed to fly on airplanes anymore.” The conman held up a mugshot of himself that was copiously stamped “banned” and “flight risk” to prove his point.

“Ohhhh, so that’s why they wouldn’t let me on that plane that one time I shape shifted into you!” Amethyst exclaimed with newfound understanding.

“Why were you trying to get onto a plan disguised as me in the first place?” Stan asked, raising a suspicious eyebrow at her.

“I had my reasons…” the purple Gem said with a mysterious smirk.

“Aw, I feel so bad about accidently upsetting Soos on his birthday…” Steven frowned sympathetically as the group peeked around to see the handyman morosely sitting on the porch steps. Soos let out another saddened sigh as he looked over a colorful postcard, though no one paid that as much attention as they did the fact that he was so depressed in the first place. “We have to at least try to fix this somehow!”

“I don’t know, guys,” Wendy said, somewhat doubtful. “He seems pretty down. Maybe we should just give him some space and leave him alone, you know?”

“No one should be alone on their birthday,” Dipper protested with growing resolve. “There’s gotta be a way to cheer him up. We just have to try harder!”

“You’re right, Dipper!” Mabel exclaimed with newfound enthusiasm, already coming up with a plan that would certainly succeed where their party had failed. “It’s time for us to bring out the big guns!”

The “big guns”, of course, were all based upon a guess the kids had made based on their investigation of Soos’ wallet earlier. And that guess was that the best way to cheer the handyman up would be with a good old-fashioned, rousing game of laser tag.

“Alright, guys,” Soos began as the twins led him, blindfolded once more, into the laser tag joint downtown. Steven, Connie, Stan, Wendy, Candy, Grenda, Amethyst, and Greg followed not too far behind, all of them wanting to join in on helping give the handyman a good birthday, even despite his mysterious disdain for it. “Blindfold me once, shame on you. Blindfold me twice—wait a minute,” Soos cut himself off, pausing as he got a better idea of his surroundings through his other senses. “Hot dog smell? Sticky floors? Future sounds?” Overwhelmed by curiosity, the handyman removed his blindfold, taking in a surprised, but excited gasp as he took in the bright neon lights and retro carpeting of the laser tag center. “Laser tag? I-I love laser tag. How’d you guys know?”

“Um, we definitely didn’t rifle through your wallet?” Mabel laughed awkwardly before Dipper elbowed her warningly.

“We just wanted to make up for… uh, earlier by taking you out so you can have some fun,” Steven smiled warmly. “And since you just so happen to like laser tag, we figured this would be the perfect way to do it!”

“Welcome to the year 8000,” the laser tag announcer’s bold voice suddenly blared out from the intercom, signifying the game was about to begin. “Society: collapsed. Fog machines: everywhere.”

“Whoa, if all that’s true, then it sounds like the future is gonna be my kind of party!” Amethyst exclaimed with a daring grin.

“Eh, I’m sure society will be just fine in the future,” Greg shrugged with a small laugh. “I mean, it’s not like some giant baby is gonna take over everything, you know? Still, I think they might be right about fog machines being everywhere…”

“Oh well, that’s good enough for me,” Amethyst shrugged blithely.

“Are these walls just mattresses spray painted purple?” Wendy asked as she poked the over-cushioned wall nearby.

“I think this place used to be a mattress store back in the day,” Stan remarked, glancing around the place.

“Uh, I-I don’t know, guys,” Soos said to the kids, frowning as they started putting on their laser tag gear. “I’m not sure if I’m up to this today.”

“Aw, don’t worry, Soos. Once you get in there, you’re bound to start feeling better!” Connie assured with a smile.

“Connie’s right,” Dipper agreed confidently. “As soon as you start playing with us, you’re gonna have a great time.”

“We promise, no matter what happens, we won’t leave your side,” Mabel vowed with complete sincerity.

“We’ll be like one big super laser tag team!” Steven quipped. “Together, we’ll be unstoppable out there!”

Soos hesitated for a moment, glancing towards the exit before looking to the kids’ hopeful, pleading expressions once more. And fortunately for them, he couldn’t very well resist them. “Well… I guess I could give it a shot…”

“That’s the spirit!” Mabel grinned encouragingly as the doors to the arena began to open.

“Prepare for laser battle!” the announcer exclaimed boldly. “In three… two… GO!”

With a unified cheer of excitement, everyone ran forward, laser guns in hand, into the fog-filled room. Soos and the kids brought up the rear, though the handyman paused a moment upon noticing his shoes were untied. “Wuh-oh. Better tie these cowboys.” Soos bent down to do so, as the kids ran on ahead without him, even as the room in front of them seemed to abruptly change. Instead of dark and foggy and illuminated only with neon lights, the kids found themselves entering a bright, almost sterile white space, which was oddly enough empty and bereft of all of the other players, save for two tall, muscular men clad in highly technological armor.

“Whoa, hold on a second,” Connie said as they all stopped in their tracks, confused. “Something seems a bit off here…”

“I know, right? This is even cooler than I imagined!” Mabel exclaimed, unfazed. “Look at how real these laser guys are!” To test the durability of what she thought was nothing more than a mere dummy, she kicked one of the men squarely in his armored crotch, which, oddly enough, lit up and spoke in a robotic tone once she was done.

“Kick deflected! Thank you for buying Digi-Cod, the smart codpiece!”

“Wait, what?” Mabel asked, aptly bewildered at this.

“I-I’ve never seen one of those that could talk before…” Steven remarked, unnerved as all four of them simultaneously noticed the wall behind them leading back to the laser tag joint’s lobby start to close up.

“Oh no! Soos!” Dipper called to the handyman as he hurried to join them, only for the room they were all in to abruptly disappear, leaving Soos alone as he ran into the regular laser tag arena.

Unfortunately, the handyman hadn’t noticed the kids vanish, which was why he was aptly confused and alarmed upon looking around the darkened arena, knowing that they promised to stick by him only for them to be nowhere to be found. “Mabel? Dipper? Steven? Connie? Dudes?!”

What Soos didn’t know was that, in a self-contained room that existed mostly outside of the flow of time, all four of the kids were just as adamant to reunite with the handyman, especially considering the unknown position they were apparently in now. “Hey!” Mabel shouted in protest, kicking at the hard, metallic white wall trapping them all in. “Let us out of here!”

“Nice try, but that’s solid time-tanium, kid,” one of the officers standing at the back of the room finally spoke up.

“Hey, what’s the big idea here?” Dipper asked petulantly, turning to face the stoic pair. “Who are you guys?”

“Yeah, and why’d you trap us in this super white, colorless room?” Steven asked, looking around. “Seriously, this place could use a new coat of paint. My vote goes to pink. Or blue. Or green. Or all three!”

“Steven, I think we should be focusing less on the color of the room and instead more on how to get out of the room,” Connie said, noticing that there were no apparent exits to the sealed chamber.

“That won’t be happening,” the other officer cut in coldly. “There’s only one way out of here.”

“And it’s through me!” a vaguely familiar voice called out, diverting the kids’ attention to the previously unseen third figure in the room. Only his head and hands were visible however, thanks to his camouflage uniform, something he was quick to notice and try to rectify. “Oh, uh…” he started fiddling with his watch in an attempt to get it to work as his suit shifted to show several different environments. “Sorry! Come on, come on…” he grumbled, getting increasingly more frustrated with his technology until he finally punched it, which somehow managed to get it to work, turning the suit back to its usual grey. “Aha! Through me! A-and that’s what it would have been like… i-if I had just gotten it right the very first time… B-but it’s still as effective!”

For a moment, all four of the kids simply looked to him in blank confusion, his face and voice not fully registering in any of their memories, though Connie was by far the most befuddled. “Who is that?” she asked plainly.

“I’m not sure…” Steven mused thoughtfully. “Though I think I’ve seen him somewhere before… But he’s just not ringing any bells…”

“Oh wait!” Mabel interjected. “He’s that time traveler guy! You know, the one from the fair?” she asked the boys, both of whom only nodded tentatively, remembering their time travel shenanigans that day, but not much about the time traveler they had gotten the device to do it from. “What did you say your name was again? Blendo… Blondin…”

“No, I think it was Blublin… right?” Steven guessed, exchanging a glance with Connie.

“Don’t look at me,” she shrugged passively. “I’ve never even seen this guy before.”

At this juncture, Dipper suddenly snapped his fingers, reaching what he assumed was the right guess. “Blar-Blar!”

“There it is!” Mabel nodded with a grin.

“Oh yeah, that sounds about right,” Steven agreed soundly.

“It’s Blendin!” the time traveler cut in fiercely, beyond frustrated at this point. “Blendin Blenjamin Blandin! How could you not know my name after you ruined my life?!” Once again, the kids were all mutually confused by this claim, eliciting another angry groan from Blendin. “Initiate flashback!” he shouted, pressing a button on his watch that projected a holographic clip that he petulantly narrated over. “It was after you stole my time traveling device to win your stupid pig and save your dumb lion! I was cast out of the Time Anomaly Removal Crew, my whole life’s purpose, gone! And then, I was given ten squared life sentences in time prison. I spent every day since then plotting my vengeance… and now, finally, the day I’ve been waiting for has come!”

“Uh, Blendin?” one of the time officers, Dundgren, cut in, interrupting the time traveler’s rant. “Didn’t you say you were plotting your vengeance against three kids? Because there are four here.”

“Uh, yeah,” Connie raised her hand a bit shyly. “I, uh, wasn’t really involved in any of this, so… can I just… go home?”

“No!” Blendin snapped, completely unconcerned with this fact. “I don’t care if we picked up one extra kid! Nobody’s going anywhere until I get my REVENGE!”

“Aw,” Steven interjected with a sympathetic frown. “We’re really sorry about getting you sent to prison and ruining your life and everything, Mr…. Mr., uh… What’d you say your name was again?”

“Blendin…” the time traveler growled, sending the young Gem an irritated grin.

“Blendin, right!” Steven exclaimed. “I’ll make sure to remember that for next time.”

“Look, what Steven’s trying to say is that we’re sorry,” Dipper tried again, much more succinctly. “But we’re in the middle of something really important right now.”

“It’s our friend’s birthday today,” Mabel exclaimed worriedly. “And we promised we wouldn’t leave his side. He really needs us right now!”

“What?” Blendin asked with a scoffing laugh. “You really think some dumb birthday matters right now? Do you even know where you are? Welcome… to Globnar!”

At this, the far end of the room suddenly shifted open, unveiling a sight from the future that made all four of the kids’ jaws drop simultaneously. Stretched before them was a massive arena, far more advanced and deadly than any of them had ever seen before. Within its high walls, a large host of combatant events were taking place, from portal fights, to clock battles, to monster brawls, to age-changing-blaster brawls. Of course, many injuries and casualties were resulting from these fierce duels, all of them quite violent and horrific in their own right and all of them enough to set all four of the kids on edge even more than they already were.

“Whoa… this looks like some kind of video game!” Steven remarked, somewhat impressed by how intricate and action packed it all was.

“Or a reality show,” Mabel added, just as intrigued. “Are we in Japan?”

“It’s gladiatorial time combat!” Blendin corrected hotly, nodding to the event’s latest winner and loser. “The winner gets a precious time wish.” The victor of the match held up said time wish, a glowing golden orb, with a triumphant grin as he looked down to his pleading opponent. “And then decides the loser’s fate!” Almost on cue, the winner lifted his thumb up, only to instantly turn it down with a grim smile. The loser let out a agonized cry as he was instantly disintegrated on the spot, leaving not a single trace behind. “And you four are officially challenged!” Blendin proclaimed, smirking down at the shocked, aptly frightened kids. “Dundgren!” the time traveler shouted as he walked off. “Get me my war paint!”

“Yeesh, you guys sure do seem to make some pretty crazy enemies…” Connie remarked to the others with an anxious frown.

“W-what are we gonna do?” Steven asked fretfully. “We can’t stick around here and fight in a futuristic battle to the death, no matter how cool that kinda sounds. What about Soos?”

“We gotta get out of here and get back to him!” Mabel agreed insistently, though her enthusiasm faded a bit as she took a glance around the seemingly impenetrable room. “But how?’

For a moment, all of the kids were at a complete and total loss over what to do to get out of the seemingly impenetrable chamber they were trapped in, as well as the impending, likely incredibly dangerous battle ahead. That is, until Dipper happened to notice a compact time travel device hanging from one of the time officer’s belts. “I have an idea.”

“Hang in there, Soos,” Mabel said as the group put their heads together to begin plotting their daring escape. “We’re coming for you!”

As the game of laser tag kicked off, Soos quickly found that, as alone as he was, he was essentially a moving target for all of the other players, something that likely wouldn’t have been the case if the kids were there to offer their support. But oddly enough, they were still nowhere in sight, much to the handyman’s growing distress. “Mabel? Steven? Dipper?” Soos called somewhat desperate, straining to catch a glimpse of the kids through the darkness and fog. “Requesting backup! Ah!” the handyman let out a startled cry as he was suddenly hit by lasers on all sides. “Oh! Oh no! Make it stop!”

“Ha ha!” Robbie laughed impetuously as he ran up to Soos, blasting a laser right into his chest piece. “Laser Robbie!”

“D-dudes?” the handyman nervously called for the kids again as he fled, knowing that today was only going from bad to worse.

Seeing as how Blendin had demanded that he have time to prepare for the upcoming Globnar battle, the kids were left with ample opportunity to carry their escape plan out. Much of it involved a two-fold distraction, which was why they split up to execute it, with Steven and Connie collaborating on one half while the twins carried out the other.

“Hey, Mr. Beldin?” Steven asked as him and Connie stepped up to the time traveler.

“For the last time, it’s Blendin!” he snapped in frustration, not bothering to glance down at the pair as Dundgren applied his war paint for him. “And what do you want?”

“Mr. Blendin,” the young Gem corrected as him and Connie both put on amicable grins. “Whatcha doin’?”

“Getting ready to take you four on in Globnar!” Blendin proclaimed with a broad smirk.

“Why?” Steven asked with innocent curiosity.

“Because you kids got me fired and sent to jail!”

“Why?” Connie asked inquisitively.

“How should I know? P-probably because you thought it was funny to watch a well-respected time official lose everything he’s ever worked for!”

“Why?” Steven asked once more, which of course only irritated the time traveler even more.

“Why what?! Nothing I just said was posed in a way that you could possibly have any questions about it! Y-you’re not making any time-sense!”

“Why?” Connie simply asked with a small amused grin as Blendin only got increasingly more angry and annoyed. At the same time, she sent a small, discreet thumbs up behind her back to the twins, signaling that it was time for the to enact their part of the plan.

“Oh my stars!” Mabel gasped overdramatically as she walked up to Lolph, who stood guard at the entryway to the arena. “Could it be? My little, uh…” she trailed off, taking a glance at the time officer’s nametag. “Lolphie! It’s me! Your great-great-great-” She paused for a brief second, sending a questioning look to Dipper, who signaled for her to keep going as he snuck around to the other side of the officer. “Great-great-great-” She finally did stop as he finally put a hand up. “-Great grandmother! From the past times!”

For a moment, Lolph simply looked down at Mabel quite skeptically, but sure enough, he ended up taking the bait as his expression lit up into a warm smile. “Gam gam?”

Relieved, Mabel continued playing along, making sure not to draw any attention to Dipper as he successfully managed to slip the time travel device off of the officer’s belt. At the same time, Steven and Connie continued distracting Blendin, their barrage of why questions replaced with basic banter instead.

“Look, I’m just saying, green is a super intimidating color,” Connie informed the time traveler.

“I’m shaking in fear just looking at it!” Steven quipped, putting on a faux frightened expression.

“You know what? I think you two are right,” Blendin grinned confidently as Dundgren applied green face paint on him. “Neon green is good, this is a good color for me. It’s fierce, a-and unexpected, and—HEY!” the time traveler suddenly snapped as he briefly stole a glance over at Lolph, or rather, at Dipper stealing the time travel device clean off of Lolph’s belt. “What?! No!” he shouted, catching the attention of both of his accompanying officers. “You can’t let them escape! Stop them!” With their distraction blown, Steven and Connie quickly rejoined the twins, despite Blendin’s attempts to catch them only ending in him tripping both himself and Dundgren.

“Gam Gam!” Lolph called after Mabel, shocked and hurt. “How could you?!”

“I ain’t no one’s Gam Gam, sucka!” Mabel retorted triumphantly as the four of them ran out of their captors’ radius.

“By the way, green isn’t really that intimidating!” Connie called back to Blendin, rolling her eyes. “It just makes you look like someone smeared baby food on your face!”

“Ugh! Don’t just lie there! Get them!” Blendin ordered the fallen officers fiercely, despite the fact that he was on the ground himself.

“H-hurry!” Steven urged as the officers picked themselves and started hurrying after them. “Back to Soos’ birthday!”

“Ok!” Dipper nodded in firm agreement, fumbling with the time machine as they all ran. “I think… I’ve… got it!” He pulled the tape out of the device somewhat haphazardly, though as the officers prepared to jump them, he didn’t have much of a chance to pay attention to the accuracy of the date they were going to go back to. Still, all four of them linked arms right as the tape snapped back into place, whisking them away from the future right before the officers could apprehend them once more.

The kids had expected to land safe and sound back in the present day in the laser tag joint where Soos would hopefully still be waiting for them. However, what they didn’t expect was to land squarely onto a mattress of all things, in a well-lit retail store as opposed to the noisy spaced-out décor the laser tag arena was known for.

“Huh,” Steven remarked as they all bounced down upon the mattress. “Well, that was a surprisingly soft landing.”

“Uh… are we back?” Mabel asked with a confused frown as she glanced around what should have been the laser tag joint.

“Oh no, look!” Dipper exclaimed fretfully, pointing to the store’s indoor sign. “You guys, the laser place is a mattress store! We went too far in the past!”

“Time travel, man!” Mabel huffed petulantly. “Why you gotta be so complicated!”

“W-well, this isn’t too big of a problem, isn’t it?” Connie asked, though before she could elaborate, Blendin, Lolph, and Dundgren just so happened to travel back to their exact time and location, landing just a few mattresses away. “Ok, now it might be a problem.”

“Hide!” Steven exclaimed just quietly enough that the time officers didn’t hear them. Before they could even be spotted, all four of the kids crammed underneath the mattress they had landed on before Blendin and his escorts jumped onto it.

“It looks like they overshot their destination by ten years…” Dundgren remarked, looking over the screen his watch was projecting.

“I-I don’t see them,” Blendin scowled, wiping off his face paint despite his bound wrists. “You better find those kids!”

“You’ll get your justice, Blendin,” Lolph assured with apparent sincerity.

“I’m gonna keep stammering until you find them!” the time traveler exclaimed, hopping off of the mattress and doing just that as he started to head out. “I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-”

“I hate that guy,” Lolph remarked to his partner as soon as Blendin was out of earshot.

“Let’s move,” Dundgren said, resolved. The pair preformed an impressive jump and flip over the mattress, landing squarely near the door and exchanging a celebratory fist bump as they walked out. The instant they were sure the trio was gone, the kids emerged from their hiding spot, hoping that they could continue to evade Blendin and his escorts that easily for the remainder of this misadventure.

“Ok, so all we gotta do is go forward ten years,” Dipper said evenly. “We can be back before Soos even realizes we were gone.”

“Uh… that might be easier said than done…” Connie frowned, nodding down to the time travel device lying on the ground nearby. Or rather, what was left of it.

“Oh no!” Steven gasped fretfully, scooping up its scrambled, disconnected pieces. “The time thingy! We must have broken it accidentally when we landed! How are we supposed to get back to the present now?”

“Dipper, you’re good with sciencey nerd stuff like this,” Mabel said, taking the pieces of the time device from Steven and handing them over to her brother. “Can you fix it?”

“Uh, maybe?” Dipper shrugged, someone uncertain as he looked over the broken device. “It’s worth a try I guess. But I’ll need some tools first.”

“Oh! I know the perfect place to get some!” Steven exclaimed brightly. “The carwash! My dad always has a few spare tools that he never uses lying around. I’m sure he won’t mind if we borrow a few. Plus, its super close to here!”

“Sounds like as a plan as any,” Dipper said as he led the way out of the store. “But let’s try to lay low until we get there. We don’t want to change the future. Or cause the future. I forget how this works exactly.”

“Whoa…” Connie remarked, somewhat amazed as they began to head downtown towards the carwash. “So this is Gravity Falls ten years ago?”

“Everything is samey, but also differenty…” Mabel mused, curiously taking the sights in, as the other three were doing as well.

While most of Main Street’s familiar buildings and businesses remained in place with what they kids were familiar with in the present, there was still a large handful of noticeable changes, mostly in the numerous familiar faces they happened to pass by. Tyler Cutebiker balanced a boombox on his shoulder as he leaned against the wall beside a billboard for the Gleeful auto mart, depicting Bud and a newborn Gideon, though the ad had been graffitied to appropriately enough, give the future child psychic with devil horns and a tail. A younger Vidalia walked past the kids, a grocery bag in one hand and Sour Cream, only about 5 or so, holding her other one. On a bench across the way, Lars and Ronaldo, both kids as opposed to their usual teen age, casually hung out, the latter enthusiastically showing the former a library book of conspiracies he had found, even if Lars was only passively impressed by it. He did non-discreetly look away out of embarrassment, however, as a younger version of Robbie ran by, chasing after Thompson with a water gun. They bumped into Mr. Smiley, bereft of his facial hair and sporting an afro, who scolded them for their recklessness, even despite his usual wide grin. As the kids turned a corner, they passed by a dance studio, where inside, Toby Determined was hard at work trying to get his “Razz-Dazzler” routine off the ground.

“A dah buh dee, dah buh dee do, yeah!” Toby sang, cheerfully tapdancing in his gaudy leotard. “Look out, Broadway, here I come!”

This confident proclamation was soon interrupted as Mabel suddenly banged on the window from outside, having watched the whole display. “This dream goes nowhere, Toby!” she shouted firmly but honestly.

“Aw, marbles!” Toby snapped his fingers in apt disappointment.

The kids continued heading for the carwash, still curiously observing all of the differences there were between the present they knew and the past they were currently in. In fact, they were so caught up in sigh seeing, that they didn’t even notice the trio of tricycles speeding towards them until they screeched to a narrow stop right in front of them.

“Oh, hey, look!” Steven exclaimed with a surprised smile, easily recognizing the trio of girls as younger versions of Wendy, Tambry, and Jenny. “Its-”

“Shhh!” Connie quickly quieted him, remembering how dangerous it could be to be so conspicuous in the past.

“Oops, sorry,” Tambry apologized to the older group of kids. She paused, however, as Wendy leaned over to whisper something in her ear, something that she didn’t hesitate to blatantly blurt aloud. “My friend thinks your cute,” she said to Dipper, much to Wendy’s immense embarrassment.

“Oooo!” Jenny chimed in with an amused laugh. “Wendy’s got a crush! Wendy’s got a crush!”

“Oh my gosh, you guys!” Wendy exclaimed hotly, shoving both of her friends off their trikes. “Shut up!”

In light of this rather awkward revelation, all Dipper could really do was let out a small, somewhat flustered laugh, his cheeks almost as red as Wendy’s currently were. “Uh, thank you,” he chuckled, glancing away from the younger version of his former crush. “I mean… you’re super young, so this is kinda weird…”

“Now you know how she feels, creep,” Mabel joked with a wry smirk, sharing an amused laugh with Steven and Connie as they moved on ahead.

“Heh, yeah,” Dipper said, his smile disappearing into stark realization as the girls continued on their trikes past him. “I—uh… wow… Wow…”

Fortunately, the kids didn’t run into any more familiar, yet younger faces as they made their way over to the carwash, which was mostly the same as it was in the present, right down to Greg’s recognizable van sitting in front of it. Since there was relatively little business at the wash, the kids managed to sneak up to the van, remembering that they were supposed to remain unseen (even if they had already been seen).

“Ok, it looks like the coast is clear,” Connie said, peeking out from the other side of the van to make sure the former rock star wasn’t roaming about. “Let’s go.”

Still being as discreet as possible, the kids headed over to the other end of the van, which, conveniently for them, was hanging wide open. “Remember, we’re only here to grab a few tools,” Dipper reminded seriously. “Then we’re going to get out of here before Mr. Universe or anyone else can see us, got it?”

“Got it,” Connie and Mabel nodded affirmatively, though Steven was easily distracted by what was sitting in the back of the van.

“Oh my gosh, you guys!” he gasped with an excited smile, holding a somewhat tattered pink blanket up. “It’s my old blanket! Ah, man, it’s been years since I’ve seen this thing! Mostly because Amethyst accidentally ate it when I was 6… But still, I used to take it with me everywhere!”

“Awww!” Mabel gushed, equally as enthused. “I bet you looked so cute carrying that blanket around when you were a lil’ baby Steven!”

“Yeah, I gotta admit, I was pretty adorable,” Steven grinned a bit bashfully. “But still, I am a little confused seeing it here. I mean, like I said, I used to take this blanket everywhere I went when I was little…”

“So, what’s so confusing about that?” Connie asked. “A lot of kids have security blankets when they’re younger, Steven. It’s not like that’s weird or anything.”

“Oh, I know,” the young Gem nodded. “But what is weird is that my blanket is here… but I’m not. Well, I mean, I’m here, but young me isn’t. And I have a feeling that’s not just a coincidence sorta thing…”

Before anyone could even come up with a guess for this confusing matter, the door to the wash swung open, revealing a slightly younger, albeit very frazzled Greg. “Steven!” he shouted loudly, his eyes wide and his expression conveying clear panic. Fortunately, he didn’t notice any of the kids as they were quick to slip around behind the van the moment the door opened, nor did he manage to spot them as he ran to the back of the van, wildly searching through it. “Oh man, now his blanket’s gone too?!” the former rock star asked in alarm, unaware that the future version of his son standing mere feet away was still holding onto it. “Ok, Greg, s-stay calm,” he reassured himself, running a hand through his thinning hair as he took a seat. “After all, kids randomly disappear every day, don’t they?” A beat of silence followed this guess, followed by another burst of fear. “No, they don’t! Oh, w-what if this is another crazy Gem thing no one warned me about? Can Steven turn invisible?! I-I don’t think Rose was able to do that… was she?”

“Invisible?” Dipper whispered, sending Steven a confused glance. “Steven, what’s he talking about?”

“I don’t know…” the young Gem frowned, taking a brief peek around the van at his distressed father. “I guess I was too young to remember-”

“I can’t just sit around here!” Greg exclaimed, leaping up from his seat with worried resolve. “I gotta find him, before he gets hurt! Or worse, before the Gems find out I lost him… Oh, boy…” The former rock star swallowed nervously as he took off towards town, shutting the back of his van and locking it in his wake. As soon as he was gone, the kids emerged from hiding, all of them equally as bewildered at what they had just overheard.

“Whoa, Steven, I can’t believe you just went AWOL like this when you were little!” Mabel exclaimed, impressed. “That’s so hardcore.”

“I… don’t think I did though…” the young Gem shook his head, tying his blanket to the van’s door handle so that it would be there when his father returned. “I can’t remember running away, and Dad and the Gems never told me I did… And I think that’s the kind of thing I think I would have at least heard about before…”

“Wait a second,” Connie spoke up, her eyes wide with realization. “Steven, what if the reason why your younger self mysteriously disappeared all of the sudden is because you’re here!? Maybe it’s against the laws of space and time for two versions of a person to exist in the same time and place, and that’s why the version of you from this time vanished! To prevent some kind of reality-shattering paradox!”

“Whoa, I hadn’t thought about that!” Steven gasped in amazement at this theory. “But wait… if I’m here, then were did young me go? And how am I still here if my younger self is gone? Ugh, time travel is so confusing…”

“That’s what I’m sayin’!” Mabel quipped, crossing her arms. “It’s super cool, but it makes your brain hurt if you think about it for too long. Though this does make me wonder if the younger versions of the rest of us are gone too… We should go and see!”

“There’s no time for that, Mabel,” Dipper rolled his eyes. “Honestly, this whole thing about younger Steven disappearing gives us all the more reason to get back to the present as soon as possible. Who knows what kind of weird, future-changing paradox us just being here could cause?”

“But we still have to fix the time machine,” Connie reminded. “And Mr. Universe locked the van. Where are we supposed to find any tools now?”

Fortunately, Dipper was quick to find a solution to their ongoing problem upon noticing the nearby sign pointing towards the Mystery Shack “I think I know a place…”

If the car wash was mostly unchanged from past to present, then the Mystery Shack was apparently ageless, as it looked nearly identical to how it appeared in the present as the kids arrived at its past counterpart. Conveniently enough, Stan was distracted with showing off his then-new wax museum exhibit to a group of tourists, allowing the kids to easily slip past him and enter the shack through an open window. And sure enough, the toolbox was in its usual spot underneath the unattended counter, the place where it would usually stay even ten years later.

“Aha! Bingo!” Dipper exclaimed with a relieved grin upon pulling the toolbox out. “Alright, let’s see here…” Despite his limited knowledge on how such futuristic technology functioned, Dipper got to work on trying to repair the time travel device, with Connie opting to help him out as much as she could. Content to let the pair work without interfering too much, Steven and Mabel instead curiously glanced around the shack of the past they were standing in, though it wasn’t long before their attention was diverted towards the vending machine. Or namely, the young boy about their age standing in front of it.

“Aw, c’mon candy, fall!” the kid exclaimed, banging on the glass a bit, only for his snack to remain stuck. Steven and Mabel exchanged a sympathetic smile at this, both of them wordlessly agreeing to head over and help the poor kid out.

“Allow me,” Mabel grinned to the boy as she walked up beside the machine. “You just need to know a guy on the inside. Bippidy-boop. Wop!” she playfully copied the method for knocking the machine open that Soos had demonstrated earlier that day, and sure enough, it worked perfectly. “Jackpot!” Mabel cheered as she reached inside the open machine to grab some candy. However, as she handed her load off to the boy, her and Steven both shared a shocked gasp upon seeing just who this boy was.

“Thanks, dawg!” the 12 year old Soos smiled warmly as he took the candy Mabel offered to him. “You must be some kind of genius!”

“Whoa, its Soo—uch a cool shirt you have on there!” Steven quickly turned his awed exclamation around upon remembering how fragile the past was. “I mean, a T-rex with an American flag? That’s so neat! And patriotic! I love it!”

“Oh really?” Soos grinned as he proudly glanced down at his shirt. “Thanks, dude. It’s my special birthday shirt! It’s nowhere near as rad as one up there, though!” He pointed towards the very same question mark shirt his future counterpart always wore, walking over to it and smiling admiringly, leaving Steven and Mabel behind, both of them aptly amazed.

“Alright,” Dipper said as him and Connie rejoined the pair with a now-fixed time travel device. “I think we’ve got this thing working.”

“It took a lot more nails that we thought it would…” Connie added. “And a lot more glue, oddly enough.”

“You guys!” Mabel exclaimed, her shock turning into a huge grin. “Look over there!” She eagerly turned both of them around to face the younger Soos, who was still distracted with exploring the shack to notice their shared awe.

“No. Way,” Dipper remarked, his eyes wide with disbelief over the coincidence of encountering Soos, of all people, in the past, especially considering the circumstances.

“Yes way!” Steven grinned excitedly. “How crazy is it that we’d find Soos here at the shack? It’s like destiny or something!”

“Or just really good, really strange luck…” Connie mused, a bit more reserved over the matter.

“Mi precioso!” an older, almost elderly woman called for Soos as she entered the shack. “You keep wandering off. You don’t want to be late for your big day!”

“Sorry, Abuelita!” Soos grinned, blithely hurrying over to his grandmother before exiting the shack with her.

“Big day?” Mabel asked once the pair had left. “This could be the birthday where that personal biz went down. We could finally find out why Soos hates his birthday!”

“Yeah! And maybe once we know what went wrong, we could do something to help Soos fix it so he can have a good birthday in the present!” Steven purposed enthusiastically.

“That’s… actually a pretty good idea,” Connie assented. “As long as we just go and see what’s up, without changing anything in the past.”

“Connie has a point,” Dipper agreed, glancing at the time travel device in his hand. “We can go and see what happened with Soos, but let’s be quick about it. And careful, ok?”

“Bro-bro, please,” Mabel assured. “Careful is my middle na-” She cut herself off upon accidently flinging her arms out, only to end up knocking a whole stack of bobbleheads over. “Oops.”

Knowing they didn’t have much time to clean the mess up, the kids simply decided to leave it as they slipped out of the shack without anyone paying them any mind. And they managed to leave just in time too, for right after they departed, Greg arrived at the shack, breathless and frantic as he hurried over to Stan, who had just finished directing his next tour into the museum.

“Mr. Pines!” the former rock star shouted hectically, catching the conman quite a bit off guard. “I need your help!”

“Greg? What the heck are you doing here?” Stan raised an eyebrow at his former employee. “What, did you get another semi-truck stuck in that wash of yours, because I already told you, I don’t know how to help you out with that.”

“N-no! It’s even worse than that!” Greg exclaimed anxiously. “Steven’s missing! I just turned around for a second—just a second—and when I look back over my shoulder, he’s completely gone!”

“So what?” the conman asked with a stoic shrug. “The kid probably got tired of watching you wash cars all day and decided to hit the road. Can’t say I blame him, I’d get bored of that too after a while.”

“Yeah, but that’s just the thing. It’s not like Steven to just… run off like this!” the former rock star stressed. “He even left his special blanket behind! W-what if someone, or something, took him!? After all, this town is full of all sorts of weird monsters and creatures; what if one of them ate him or something! Or what if he somehow floated up into space or something?! I mean, he is half magic, after all. Anything’s possible!”

“Geez, Greg, calm down,” Stan rolled his eyes, still largely unconcerned. “You’re acting like you lost your own head instead of just your kid.”

“I probably will end up losing my head if the Gems find out about this…” Greg remarked somewhat fearfully.

“Oh yeah, because the three nutcases who tried kidnapping him a few years back have plenty of room to get on your case about losing him,” the conman deadpanned as he began to head back into the shack. “Listen, Greg, I got a tour to run and gullible customers to swindle, so I don’t have time to help you look for your little ankle biter.”

“B-but, Mr. Pines, I-”

“Greg,” Stan paused for a beat, his tone firm, yet also almost strangely reassuring. “Relax. The kid’s fine. He’ll probably turn up in a few hours after he’s got this runaway thing out of his system. After all, kids never really go away, as much as you might wish they would…”

“I-I hope you’re right…” Greg frowned fretfully as he prepared to leave. “Still, I’m gonna keep looking for him, and I’m not gonna stop until my son is safe and sound! Wish me luck!”

“Yeah, sure, good luck,” Stan waved his former employee off dryly, not paying him too much mind as he opened the door to the shack, only for it to completely fall off its hinges. “Ugh, again?! That’s the third time this week! Note to self: send that no-good handyman of mine packing before the entire shack falls down!”

The kids made sure to stay a safe distance behind Soos and his Abuelita as they followed the pair home, or more specifically, to the festive birthday party that was just kicking off in the backyard. And even upon a first glance, it looked like it was quite the party. The entire yard was decked out with colorful balloons and decorations, and large handful of guests had turned out, most of them roughly around Soos’ age and most of them running around playing and enjoying themselves. Still, the kids made sure to remain out of sight as they quietly observed the party from behind a row of nearby bushes, paying particular attention to the younger version of Soos, who, oddly enough, seemed like he was in mostly high spirits, despite it being his birthday.

“Who’s a handsome birthday boy?” a young woman asked as she playfully pinched Soos’ cheeks.

“It’s you!” another woman chimed in, just as brightly as the boy let out an amused laugh while both girls headed off.

“Soos, you are such a lady’s man!” Abuelita chuckled as she walked up to the table with a large box.

“They’re my cousins, Grandma!” Soos stuck his tongue out jokingly. “Gross!”

“Look, mijo,” Abuelita opened the box with a wide smile to reveal a delicious-looking treat. “I got you a racecar cake.”

“Aw, nice! It’s just the one I wanted!” Soos grinned excitedly, cheerfully embracing his grandmother. “Thanks, Abuelita!”

“Man, I don’t know why Soos hates birthdays,” Dipper remarked as him and the others continued to watch the party from their hiding spot. “This looks great!”

“I know, right?” Steven smiled as he looked over the festivities. “This party looks like so much fun! I wish we could actually go to it instead of just watching it from the outside.”

“Well, we could,” Connie said somewhat sardonically. “But it would be at the risk of ruining the future for everyone here, including ourselves.”

A beat of awkward silence passed between the kids at such a heavy implication, before Mabel voiced the conclusion that they had all quickly reached. “Yeah, we probably shouldn’t…”

Back within the party itself, Soos cheerfully took a seat at the table, helping himself to the icing stuck to the racecar toy that had topped his cake. His innocent levity was briefly interrupted, however, as one of the party guests plopped down into the seat next to him at the head of the table. “Uh, sorry, dude, but could you move seats?” Soos asked the kid politely. “That’s the seat of honor.”

“Uh, who’s it for?” the kid asked, confused.

“Oh, well… it’s for my dad actually,” Soos smiled fondly. “I haven’t seen him in like… eight years. But he’s coming today!” Coincidentally enough, the doorbell happened to ring at that exact moment, something that Soos easily heard and instantly got excited over. “That must be him!” he exclaimed, hopping up from his seat as he quickly adjusted his party hat. Curious to see what Soos’ dad might be like, the kids followed as he ran to the front door, the four of them congregating around an open window to watch whatever apparent reunion was about to unfold.

“Alright, Soos,” the future handyman conditioned himself, taking in a deep, steadying breath as he prepared to answer the door. “Today’s the big day. Be cool. Be. Cool.” Steeling his resolve once more, Soos put on the biggest, most welcoming smile he could muster as he opened the door to greet his father, whom he hadn’t seen since he was very little. His father, who contacted him so infrequently, but whenever he did, it felt like a momentous occasion to him. His father, who, after years of waiting and hoping and dreaming, he was finally going to see face-to-face again after so many years.

His father, who, once again, failed to show up.

“Postcard for… Soos,” the mailman at the door said as he handed said card over to the confused boy before succinctly walking off.

Soos’ confusion soon sank into a frown as he looked over at the colorful postcard, which on the front, read “Hello! From New Orleans”. The message on the back, however, was what really concerned the future handyman as he turned it over and read it aloud. “Sorry, champ. Couldn’t make it this year. Real busy again. See you next year, for sure. Dad.”

A small, disappointed sigh escaped Soos as he finished, ashamed with himself for getting his hopes up so high only for them to be completely dashed yet again, just as they were every year. Upon realizing his father had stood him up once more, however, Abuelita quickly swooped in to place a comforting hand on his shoulder as one of his older cousins offered him verbal encouragement. “Hey, don’t sweat it, cuz. You’ll see him next year.”

“Heh, yeah…” Soos remarked somewhat morosely as he pulled out a shoebox filled with the countless other postcards his father had sent him in the past. All of them were from different places across the country, but all of them carried the exact same indifferent, largely empty apology, word for word. “Uh, I’m gonna go lie down. You party without me, dudes.”

“Wait!” Abuelita called out worriedly as her grandson sulked to his room. “What about your presents?!” To try and entice him, she pressed a key on the keyboard she had wrapped up for him, but even that wasn’t enough to get the dejected future handyman to stick around. The kids were quick to duck down under the window as Soos passed by it, but as upset as he currently was, he likely wouldn’t have noticed them there anyway.

“So that’s why Soos hates his birthday,” Dipper said with solemn realization. “It’s the day he realized his dad isn’t coming back.”

“That’s so sad…” Steven frowned sympathetically. “If we didn’t have to worry about the future falling apart, I’d go in there and hug young Soos right now!”

“So how much partying can fix something like this?” Mabel asked worriedly.

“I don’t think all the parties in the world could even come close to fixing this…” Connie shook her head sadly.

A moment of dejected pity and silence passed between the group, none of them knowing quite what to do to help Soos in such a difficult matter, as much as they all wanted to. Still, they didn’t get much of a change to even try and come up with any viable ideas before they were abruptly assaulted by a sudden blast of water, courtesy of a younger, but still just as unruly Robbie. “Heh, dorks!” he callously laughed at the expense of the somewhat annoyed older kids. “Young Robbie!”

Blendin was still largely seething over the kids escaping as his escorts led him through town in search of the four of them. And, unfortunately for Lolph and Dundgren, the time traveler made sure to make his frustration over the matter very well known.

“I-I can’t believe you two let those kids get away!” Blendin exclaimed hotly. “What kind of Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement officers to you think you are? Letting yourselves be outsmarted by four kids, kids from the ancient, backwards days of the 21st century, o-of all time periods! The century where they invented ‘emojis’ and ‘internet memes’! These are dark times we’re walking in, you two, dark times indeed.”

“I can snap your neck in 235 different ways and if you don’t stop talking then I’ll utilize 27 of those ways right here and now, all at the same time,” Dundgren threatened plainly, only needing to send the time traveler a warning glare to prompt him to nervously snapped his mouth shut.

The newfound silence was soon interrupted however, as Greg, still desperately searching town for Steven, happened to spot the futuristic trio pass by. “Oh, cops! Thank goodness!” he exclaimed with relief as he ran up to the group, stopping them in their tracks. “Officers, I need your help! My son’s gone missing and I need to find him! He’s young, about yea tall, wearing an oversized shirt with a star on it, and his name is Ste-”

“Sorry, sir, but we’re not those kinds of cops,” Lolph interrupted rather apathetically. “Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to be going.”

“W-wha-” Greg frowned in confusion as he looked the pair up and down, noticing their armored uniforms. “Oh, are you guys part of the FBI or something? That would probably explain those cool, futuristic eye pieces you got on there. Well, a-at least they look like something someone in the FBI would wear…”

“Ugh, we don’t have time for this!” Blendin growled in clear aggravation. “They’re not part of your archaic little ‘FBI’. They’re officers of the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron, sent from the year 207̃012 to help me capture four kids who I plan on completely and utterly annihilating in gladiatorial time combat!”

For a moment, the only thing the former rock start could do was stare at the perturbed time travel, aptly bewildered by what he had just heard, even if he didn’t buy it. “Yeesh, and I thought I was a mess…” Greg scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. “Are you ok, buddy? You got some… problems you need to talk to someone about or something?”

“I don’t have any problems!” Blendin snapped almost manically as he pressed on ahead. “Lolph! Dundgren! E-enough wasting time! We have to find those kids so I can have my REVENGE!”

“I’m still not entirely convinced I shouldn’t use those 27 neck-snapping techniques on him,” Dundgren remarked as they begrudgingly followed the time traveler.

“I say go for it,” Lolph stoically agreed as Blendin continued to angrily stammer ahead of them.

“W-wait!” Greg called out after the trio. “What about my son?!” Of course, he received no response from them as they simply went on their way, leaving the distraught former rock star alone in his search once again. “Well, I guess I’m on my own…” he shrugged as he continued looking for the missing young Gem as he did the only thing he could think to do at this juncture: call out for him. “Steven! Where are you, kiddo?! I’ll get you a whole bunch of Cookie Cats if you come home! Eh, who am I kidding? I was gonna do that for him anyway, but still. Come home anyway! I don’t know how much more of you being missing my poor blood pressure can take!”

Soos let out another glum sigh as he sat on his bed, the lights in his room turned off as he tried his best to block out the festive sounds of the party still going on outside. For as almost as long as he could remember, every single one of his birthdays had come with a promise from his father that he would be there to see him. And every single one of those birthdays had passed with that promise always being broken in the exact same way. And after her grandson go through this heartbreak and disappointment for the eighth year in a row, Abuelita decided she had finally had enough of it.

“Ay, Soos’ father is a deadbeat!” she hissed fiercely to herself as she stood outside of Soos’ bedroom, her distain for her son-in-law clear as she threatened him in Spanish. “¡Si alguna vez muestra su carota por aquí, se la voy a partir pieza por pieza!” Still, as frustrated as she was, she forced her anger to simmer down for the moment as she prepared to comfort her crestfallen grandson. “Soos!” she called with a soft smile as she entered his room, carrying a plate of cookies in. “I made you cookies shaped like dinosaurs!”

“I don’t want cookies…” the future handyman replied, glancing away bitterly. “I wanna see Dad again…”

“A-and he wants to see you too,” Abuelita assured as she took a seat on the bed beside him. “He’s just… busy…” Her expression darkened for a moment, knowing that whatever her son-in-law was apparently preoccupied with was likely nowhere near as important as his own son.

“Busy in New Orleans,” Soos remarked petulantly, pouting as he crossed his arms.

“Aye, yes…” Abuelita admitted hesitantly. “But trust me, mijo. You will feel better someday. I promise.”

“Eh, maybe someday…” Soos shrugged, not fully believing her. “But not today…”

Unbeknownst to the future handyman and his grandmother, the kids were still secretly eavesdropping from right outside the window, and after hearing this depressing exchange, all four of them felt even sympathy for Soos’ disheartening plight.

“Ugh, this is awful…” Mabel frowned as they all sank down away from the window.

“I know, right?” Connie asked, just as cheerless. “At first, I thought that whatever reason Soos had for disliking his birthday was something simple, like a rained-out birthday party, or an out of control clown. But this? This is on a whole other level…”

“We promised Soos a happy birthday, but how can we give him that now?” Dipper asked incredulously. “This goes way beyond anything any of us know how to fix.”

“W-well we can’t just give up!” Steven urged earnestly. “There’s gotta be something we can do to-”

“T-this way!” Blendin’s unmistakable voice shouted out from not too far away, startling all four of the kids, especially as the time traveler and his escorts arrived at the party.

“Quick! Hide!” Dipper exclaimed, and no one protested as they all jumped to their feet and hurried off to tuck behind the nearby bushes before the trio from the future could spot them.

“They’ve gotta be around here somewhere!” Blendin scowled as he glanced around, setting his sights on a tree a few feet away. “I-I think I heard them!”

“Freeze!” Lolph shouted, taking aim the tree with his blaster. Without any further warning, he fired, blowing the tree to bits and revealing young Robbie behind it, though he was quick to run off crying in fear over what had just happened. “I’ll trace their chrono-signatures,” the time officer ordered, unfazed as he went on to do just that while his partner continued to guard Blendin.

“Man, the sooner I defeat those kids in Globnar, the sooner I can win my time wish!” the time traveler expressed with an eager smirk.

“Tell you what I’d do if I had a time wish,” Dundgren remarked casually. “Retire early, spend more time with the kids-”

“Nya nya nya, with the kids!” Blendin interrupted impatiently. “Don’t you know a time wish can do literally anything?! Any impossible problem solved-” he snapped his fingers. “-just like that? I mean, just imagine the possibilities!”

“Whoa…” Steven mused having overheard this information. “Sounds like that time wish thing is pretty powerful…”

“Wait, you guys, that’s it!” Dipper exclaimed with a gasp of realization. “The time wish! If we defeat Blendin in that space battle…”

“Then we can wish that Soos’ dad came to his twelfth birthday party…” Connie filled in the blanks.

“And all of Soos’ birthdays would be fixed forever!” Mabel finished excitedly with a snap of her fingers. “Just like that!”

“Oh my gosh! That’s such a great idea!” Steven exclaimed, stars in his eyes, though his enthusiasm diminished into worry for a brief moment. “But do you really think we can win this Globnar thing?”

“Between the four of us, I’d say there’s probably a 50/50 chance,” Connie shrugged truthfully.

“Well, it’s the only chance we have,” Dipper said with firm resolve. “Besides, it’s for Soos. He would do the same for us.”

The others all nodded their intent agreement with this plan, all four of them more than ready to put themselves on the line for the sake of the kindly handyman they all knew and loved. And so, after taking a moment to harden their determination for whatever dangers lie ahead, the kids emerged from their hiding spot, ready to do whatever they had to to win that time wish. “Here we are, Blendin,” Dipper announced as they all headed over to the time traveler, their hands held up in abdication. “We surrender.”

“It’s them!” Blendin shouted, pointing the kids out to his escorts, who were quick to surround them.

“Freeze!” Dundgren ordered, pointing his blaster at them as he prepared to cuff them all.

“Careful,” Lolph cautioned his partner as he aimed his own gun at the kids. “They’re from the past. They might have powder muskets or slap bracelets.”

“Don’t worry,” Connie reassured evenly. “We aren’t going to trick you guys this time. Instead, we want to accept your challenge, ok?”

“Yes!” Blendin cheered fiercely. “Let the Globnar begin! Prepare… for GLOBNAAA-” The time traveler’s battle cry was abruptly silenced as Lolph pressed a button on his watch.

“Hey, turns out I can mute him.”

“Man, I wish we’d known that sooner,” Dundgren remarked dryly. All the same, the time officer out his time traveling device and pulling the tape back, instantly sending them all into the far distant future, leaving only the red screwdriver the kids had used to fix the other device behind in their wake.

By the time Greg had scaled the hill up to the temple, he was all but breathless, his energy completely depleted and his hope running very low. He had spent all afternoon frantically searching all over town for even the slightest sign of Steven, only for his hunt to turn up totally empty. And as much as he didn’t want to, he knew it was only fair that he report the young Gem’s baffling disappearance to his future guardians, even if he knew they’d probably never forgive him for letting it happen.

“O-ok, Greg,” the former rock star steadied himself as he approached the temple door. “Just be honest with them. They’ll appreciate that.” He took in a deep breath, pausing as he lifted his hand to knock on the gate. “Well, either that or they’ll beat me to a pulp, but… hopefully it’ll be the first one. Here goes nothing, I guess…”

Steeling his resolve one last time, Greg prepared to knock, only for the door to magically slide open before he could. Startled, the former rock star stumbled back, falling onto the ground as the Gems emerged from their temple, all of them standing over him looking quite confused.

“Ah! I-I’m sorry!” Greg cried prematurely, already shielding himself from the trio’s currently non-existent wrath. “I-it was an accident! I was just—Please, I-”

“Greg?” Pearl interjected, looking to the former rock star suspiciously. “What in the world are you babbling on about? And what are you doing here in the first place? And most importantly, where’s Steven?”

“Yeah, and why are you all nervous and sweaty?” Amethyst asked with a bemused smirk. “You just rob a bank or something? Cause if you did, you should’ve asked me to come along!”

“Wha—no!” Greg shook his head, still not picking himself up off the ground. “I… W-well, y’see… I just… I was at the wash and, uh… I was… A-and Steven, he… Well, he, uh-”

Garnet suddenly held her hand up to silence the former rock star’s anxious ramblings before summarizing what he was trying to say quite simply. “You lost Steven.”

“I, uh… Y-yeah… pretty much…” Greg admitted sheepishly, glancing away from the Gems out of shame.

“You what?!” Pearl asked in appalled shock.

“How did you lose an entire Steven?” Amethyst asked, just as bewildered. “I mean, I get that he’s tiny and everything, but he’s not that tiny.”

“I-I don’t know what happened!” Greg shook his head defensively. “One minute he was just playing in the back of the van like he usually does, and the next, he was just… gone! I’ve looked all over town for him, but I can’t find him anywhere! It’s like he just… disappeared into thin air! …That isn’t a normal Gem thing, is it?”

“It most certainly is not!” Pearl huffed, both alarmed and exasperated. “I can’t believe you let something like this happen, Greg! For all we know, Steven could be anywhere! We have to find him, before he gets hurt!”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to do all day!” Greg protested, still quite panicked. “I’m worried sick about him! W-what if we can’t find him?! What if he’s gone forever? Or what if he’s-”

“Greg,” Garnet interjected once more, her tone as even and steady as it usually was. “Calm down. We’ll find him.”

“B-but how do you know-”

“Because I know,” the Gem leader adjusted her shades. “Now, take us to the last place you saw Steven.”

“T-the last place…” Greg calmed his tense breathing down a bit as he paused for a moment. “Oh! The carwash! Like I said, he was sitting in the back of the van. But… I already searched the entire place top and bottom for him.”

“It wouldn’t hurt to take a second look,” Garnet advised wisely.

“Well then what are standing around here freaking out for?” Amethyst asked, already running on ahead. “We got ourselves a Steven to find!”

For a moment, all Greg could do was stare at the Gems in disbelief as they led the way, his eyes wide with both relief and surprise that, while they were as upset as he thought they would be, they were still willing to help him look for the young Gem. Still, his shock didn’t last long as he scrambled to his feet, intent on finding his missing son and bringing him home safely. “Y-you guys! Wait for me!” he shouted, chasing after the Gems and nearly falling down the hill in the process. “Don’t worry, Steven! We’re coming for you!”

The very first thing the kids noticed upon their abrupt arrival in the futuristic Globnar area was that it was much, much larger than they thought it had been upon their first look at it. Then again, for the all of the varying events of the time combatant competition that were held within its towering walls, it only made sense that it was huge. The hundreds, likely thousands of seats lining the arena were all filled with an excitable crowd, all of them eagerly cheering and shouting for Globnar to begin, especially as its tributes appeared in the very center of the arena. However, this round of thunderous excitement was soon curtailed as a large panel in the floor of the far end of the area slid open. And from this opening rose the infamous, terrifying Time Baby himself.

The infant who presided over the future was massive, not just for a baby, but in general as he towered almost as high as the arena itself while setting in his floating, highly-advanced baby bouncer. Despite his chubby, youthful, baby-soft face, Time Baby’s expression was set in a cranky scowl as he appeared, instantly demanding the absolute respect of everyone in the arena. Well, mostly everyone.

“Aw, what an adorable baby!” Steven remarked with a bright grin amidst the crowds’ continuing cheering, which Time Baby was quick to put to an end.

“Silence!” he shouted, his voice unexpectedly deep and booming. An immediate hush fell over the arena at this command, save for one lone, still-ecstatic spectator, who was quickly silenced by Time Baby’s vaporizing laser vision.

“O-ok, I take it back!” the young Gem exclaimed fearfully upon seeing this violent display, the other three easily sharing his alarm. “He’s way more terrifying than adorable! Even if he is still pretty adorable…”

“Welcome, Globnar tributes!” Time Baby began, addressing the kids and Blendin. “I have a very important nap to get to, so let’s make this quick. You each have a chance to settle your time-feud through gladiatorial combat.”

“You will have until Time Baby finishes drinking the cosmic sand in this hourglass,” the robot accompanying Time Baby announced, holding a bottle shaped like an hourglass, filled with an unknown, sparkling substance.

Of course, like most babies, Time Baby protested as the bottle was lifted up towards him, stubbornly turning his nose up at it. “No!”

“Come on,” the robot urged, poking Time Baby’s cheek with the bottle.

“Ow!”

“It’s good for you!”

“Wah!”

“Get ready, kids,” Blendin sent a challenging grin to his four opponents. “When I get that time wish, you’ll wish you were never born. Or rather, you’ll wish you were born, because I’m gonna wish you were never born!”

“Wait, how would we wish we were born if we were never born in the first place…?” Steven frowned, confused. “Wouldn’t that mean we would have never existed or-”

“That doesn’t matter, Steven,” Dipper interjected somewhat dryly. “What matters is that we’re gonna win that time wish. After all, there’s four of us.”

“And only one of you!” Connie added, grinning confidently at the time traveler.

“And we have hair!” Mabel proclaimed proudly.

“O-oh yeah?” Blendin scoffed, offended. “Well… well I have training!” To prove his point, the time traveler grabbed a nearby energy spear, giving it a deft, skillful spin before pointing it right at the surprised kids. “What do you think I did all that time in prison?”

The kids exchanged a round of worried glances at this, their hopes that this would be an easy win somewhat lowering a bit. But even so, they couldn’t back down now, even if they wanted to. They were going to do whatever they had to to win this challenge, claim the coveted time wish, and use it to give Soos the excellent birthday he deserved. No matter what it took to get them there.

Upon finally accepting the bottle of cosmic sand, Time Baby pounded his large fist into his carrier, instantly gathering everyone’s full attention. “Let the Globnar… BEGIN!”

At this proclamation alone, the large leaderboard hanging over the arena lit up, showing zero points at the moment for both sides. The instant everyone’s handcuffs slipped off of their wrists, Blendin made sure to make it doubly known that the games were beginning with a fierce, high-pitched battle cry, one that kicked the events of Globnar off in full force.

Keeping in line with the rather chaotic nature of the future, Globnar seemingly had no rules or referees, save for Time Baby himself, who was much too focused on his cosmic sand to pay too much attention to the games. The contest itself consisted of a seemingly endless round of events, each different and more harrowing than the last. The first competition was a duel, held on the face of a rapidly rotating clock that the kids and Blendin were trying to knock each other off of with large, battling sticks. Initially, it seemed like Dipper and Connie had the upper hand against the time traveler in this, though as Steven and Mabel pitched in to try and help, Blendin managed to swat all four of the kids away, the rotating clock hand doing its job in knocking all four of them down, giving the time traveler the first point. The kids made up for it however in the next round, which was in the form of a light cycle race. At first, Blendin was confident that he would triumph in this too, but the kids quickly overtook him upon Mabel’s clever suggestion that they pop a wheelie, which, interesting enough, sped the cycle up quite a bit, giving them the win. Not all of the challenges were based on strength or speed though, as was the case with the round featuring time chess, which wasn’t too different from normal chess, save for the rampaging, bloodthirsty, clock-faced monster who suddenly interrupted the game halfway through. From there, the competitions and the number of points gained seemed to be a back and forth between both teams, with neither of them gaining any sort of significant lead. Through the “time line” run, to the time dog eating contest, to cuckoo clock suit combat, to a fight against a time shark and countless other events, the time traveler and the kids stayed neck and neck, with neither sign showing any signs of giving in or letting up, save for their shared wear and tear and general exhaustion after going through hundreds of dangerous events nonstop. Their penultimate challenge was to overpower and defeat a fearsome, clock-eyed monster, a struggle that both sides ultimately had to end up working together on, lest they all lose their lives to the frenzied beast. In the end, they managed to push the monster back and trap it in the door it had first emerged from, but not after a very close-call battle with it.

“Very good,” Time Baby voiced his approval over this success as he paused from his meal. “You have escaped the Cyclocks.”

“Yes! Blendin for the almost win!” the time traveler cheered, taking a glance up at the scoreboard. The kids also looked to it, a bit more fearfully as they saw the score was incredibly close: 763 points for them, and 764 points for Blendin. All it would take was one more point for them to either win the elusive time wish, or be wiped from existence entirely. It was a narrow margin to be sure, but all four of them were determined to overcome these daunting odds, regardless of whatever no-doubt incredibly perilous final event awaited them.

“There is only one final challenge for Globnar,” Time Baby began, boldly and dramatically. “An ancient game, thousands of years old, chosen for its exemplification of pure strategy. The ancient art… of laser tag!” With the mere mention of the game, a glowing maze materialized within the arena, with laser vests and guns appearing for each of the tributes. “The one who touches the victory orb first will win!” Time Baby decreed, pointing to the glowing golden orb resting atop the platform at the end of the maze.

While the crowd was going essentially wild with excitement over this final event, all the kids could really do was exchange a bewildered glance, none of them quite sure what all the fuss was about. “Laser tag?” Dipper raised an eyebrow as he looked down at the laser gun in his hands. “Seriously?”

“You know, considering how many times we nearly died in all those other challenges, I thought this last one would be a bit more… I dunno, deadly?” Connie remarked just as incredulously.

“Oh, I know it doesn’t seem challenging now,” Blendin smirked, holding his laser gun at the ready. “But just wait till they turn that fog machine on. Then you’ll be done for! You just wait until-”

The time traveler was abruptly cut off as Steven and Dipper opened laser fire on him from both sides, his vest buzzing with each and every single unseen strike, aptly aggravating him. “Man, this is the funnest challenge yet!” Steven exclaimed with an excited grin as he kept on shooting at Blendin’s backside. “No wonder they saved it for last!”

“You guys, grab the orb!” Dipper called up to Mabel and Connie, who had easily made it to the platform while Blendin was distracted. “Got it!” Mabel exclaimed as both her and Connie placed their hands upon the orb, showering the arena with a bright flash of light.

At the exact same moment, Time Baby at last finished off the last of his cosmic sand, tossing his empty bottle down as a loud buzzer rang. “It is finished!” he exclaimed before his robot gave him a gentle pat on the back, eliciting a small burp from him in the aftermath of his meal. Thunderous applause rang up from the crowd as the kids’ score instantly shot up to 999 points, much to their shared elation, and relief and Blendin’s immense panic and outrage.

“No!” he shouted fiercely, collapsing to his knees in defeat. “No! NOOOOOOO!”

“We did it!” Dipper exclaimed with an excited smile.

“This calls for a group hug!” Steven cheered warmly, pulling the others into a tight embrace that they were more than happy to return upon their triumphant victory.

“You have made victory in Globnar,” Time Baby addressed the kids as his bouncer hovered over to them. “Before I give you your time wish, tell us; what fate have you decided for the loser?”

“Oh geez…” Blendin muttered nervously, sweat pouring from his brow as he dreadfully awaited whatever sentence the kids had in store for him.

“Death!” Mabel suddenly proclaimed wildly before they even had a chance to convene on the matter.

“Mabel!” Dipper quickly scolded.

“Oops…” she frowned, somewhat embarrassed as she redacted her statement. “Kinda got carried away there…”

At this awkward juncture, the kids unanimously decided to huddle up and discuss exactly what they were going to do with the currently groveling time traveler. “Ok, so Blendin did try to wish us out of existence,” Dipper began. “But… it was kind of out fault for ruining his life in the first place.”

“Yeah, and he’s kind of too sad to be a real bad guy,” Mabel added with a small frown.

“Honestly, he seems more emotionally unstable than anything else,” Connie noted, glancing over her shoulder at the still-panicking time traveler. “And maybe just a little bit crazy too…”

“Well, maybe there’s something we can do to help him not be so crazy,” Steven suggested with an amicable smile. “After all, it’s the least we can do after getting him fired and arrested and everything.”

“You know what, Steven? I think you might be onto something there,” Dipper said with growing realization. “Maybe if we treat him right in the present, he’ll turn out better in the future.” The others all nodded in agreement with this concept, none of them really bearing any ill will towards Blendin, which meant none of them had any reason to dole out a cruel or even harsh punishment upon him. “Ok,” Dipper said, resolved, as they all turned to face Time Baby. “As long as you keep an eye on him, we’d like to set Blendin free and restore his position at the Time Anomaly Correction Unit.”

“And give him pretty hair!” Mabel added boldly.

“And a nice gift basket!” Steven chimed in brightly.

“So be it,” Time Baby nodded, not questioning their choice as he snapped his fingers and made it so.

Blendin gasped in complete shock as his handcuffs fell off, his eyes wide with disbelief as he looked to the kids. “W-what? You’d do that for me?” As the kids nodded, the time traveler’s bewildered expression widened into a huge smile, especially as a decent tuft of hair sprouted on his head and a colorful gift basket filled with various treats appeared in his hands. “I got my job back!” he cheered, overjoyed as he turned to Lolph and Dundgren standing nearby. “I feel like hugging somebody!”

“Remember what I said about being able to snap your neck in 235 different ways?” Dundgren reminded coldly.

“T-that I do,” Blendin was quick to back off at this, though he did reach into his gift basket. “B-bon bon?” he offered with a nervous smile, though thankfully for him, both time officers stoically, yet surprisingly accepted the treats without sparing him a word.

“Now, children,” Time Baby spoke up, playfully smooshing his cheeks together as he spoke. “What is it that you want for your time wish?”

Out of nowhere, a radiant glowing orb, the physical representation of the time wish itself, appeared, hovering down towards the kids, who were all mesmerized by both its beauty and power for a moment before they remembered the matter at hand. “Thank you,” Mabel said with a grateful smile. “But the wish… isn’t for us.”

“Not you? But then who?” Time Baby asked, clearly baffled. “Who is worthy to receive such power?”

Back in the laser tag joint of the present, Soos had just finally managed to slip out of the arena, breathless and distressed and disheartened, not from how many times he had been hit (which had been many) but from how he had been completely alone for the entire experience. And after glancing around the lobby for the missing kids, the handyman realized that perhaps it was finally time to throw in the towel on what was, sure enough, yet another completely miserable birthday. “Dudes?” he called for the kids one last time before letting out a dejected sigh. “Aw, who am I kidding? I’m not up for this.” His saddened frown deepened as he pulled a coin out of his pocket. “Heads I stay, tails I go home and make myself some dinosaur shaped cookies.”

As the handyman flipped his coin to help make his choice, he failed to notice the flow of time suddenly slow to a complete standstill all around him until the coin itself halted in midair in front of him. “Huh,” Soos raised a confused eyebrow as he flicked the apparently frozen coin a bit. “That’s… unconventional…”

His attention was quickly diverted away from the coin, however, as a bright flash of light appeared just a few feet away, revealing the kids and Blendin as it cleared. “Soos!” all four of the kids called in unison, all of them relieved to be back in their own time and even more relieved to see that the handyman as still there.

“G-guys!” Soos exclaimed in apt surprise over their sudden appearance as they all rushed to embrace him. “Where have you dudes been? I-I’ve been looking all over for you!”

“We’re sorry we left you hanging, Soos,” Dipper apologized with a regretful frown. “We got caught up in all this time travel junk-”

“Young me disappeared in the past!” Steven exclaimed, raising his hand. “Huh, I hope I made it back ok…”

“And there was a time cyclops-” Mabel continued amidst Steven’s musing.

“And a pretty interesting game of time chess-” Connie added with a wry grin.

“And don’t forget about the-”

“Time race!” All four of the kids exclaimed with a shared laugh of amusement over the wild ordeal they had just been through.

“But the point is,” Mabel said a moment later after they had all sobered up from their bout of levity. “Soos, we know how to fix your birthday!”

“Whoa, really?” Soos asked, his eyes wide with bewilderment and awe. “Wait. You guys did all that crazy dangerous stuff… for me?”

“Of course we did, Soos,” Connie said with a warm smile.

“Yeah!” Steven quipped enthusiastically. “You always do so much for us, that we figured we’d give you the best birthday present of all by returning the favor! Now, Bledon, show him what he’s won for being the best Soos in the history of the universe!”

“I’ve already told you, it’s Blen-” the time traveler cut himself off with a slightly exasperated sigh as he shook his head. “You know what? I-I’m just gonna let it slide this time. It’s not worth the energy. Anyway, behold, your time wish!” Blendin proclaimed as he pressed a button on his watch, unveiling the glowing time wish as it floated over to the amazed handyman. “The power to alter time, paradox free, in any way you choose!”

“We figured that the only thing that can really make you happy is meeting your dad,” Dipper suggested with a small smile.

“Then maybe that would make all of your birthdays better,” Connie added sensibly. “Including this one.”

“But no matter what, the choice is yours, Soos,” Mabel reminded, nodding to the stunned handyman.

“You… you mean I can finally see my dad, just by touching this thing?” Soos asked almost quietly, his tone hopeful but also somewhat conflicted. “And you guys battled through time and space just to get this for me?”

The kids simply nodded humbly at this, none of them really wanting to make a big deal out of the matter, even if it was quite momentous to the handyman. Slowly, Soos pulled the postcard his father had sent him ten years ago, amazingly enough, the most recent in a very long line of disappointments from the parent he had never really had a chance to know. But now, floating just a few inches in front of him, was the chance he had been waiting almost his entire life for, to meet his father, to know him, to maybe even have the relationship he always wanted with him. To say it had been everything he had ever dreamed of was an understatement. And yet… as he looked down to the four kids who had risked life and limb to give him this chance, the handyman started to wonder if that was really what he wanted after all.

“What are you waiting for, Soos?” Dipper asked expectantly, noticing the handyman’s hesitance.

“Yeah! Make that wish!” Steven cheered supportively. “Make that wish!”

Soos paused, stealing another glance down at the postcard before unceremoniously putting it back in his pocket. “Alright, here goes nothing,” he said with resolve before placing his hand firmly upon the time wish. The orb lit up with a bright, brief light, however, when it cleared, the only thing that happened was that the kids were instantly cleaned up from their arduous Globnar battle, their clothes neat and in-tact and their various cuts and bruises completely healed. And needless to say, all four of the kids were quite befuddled by this occurring as opposed to Soos’ mysterious father appearing.

“Wha—huh?” Steven frowned in confusion as he looked himself over.

“Wait, what happened?” Mabel asked, just as dumbfounded as they all glanced to the handyman.

“Bam!” Soos grinned contently. “I fixed you dudes up!”

“Wait, that’s what you used your time wish on?” Connie asked incredulously.

“But Soos, what about meeting your dad?” Dipper asked, not following whatever the handyman’s odd line of reasoning was. That is, until he explained it.

“Well, birthdays are supposed to be spent with the people who care about you,” Soos began with a soft, fond smile that briefly turned into a bitter frown. “But that dude didn’t care enough about me to visit me even once, let along fight monsters through time and space like you dudes. I mean, you had a gladiator fight, just to make me happy! I’ve been ridiculous about this whole birthday thing for a long time. Whoever my dad was, he can take a hike!” With a carefree smile, the handyman tossed his father’s postcard into a nearby trash bin before pulling all four of the kids into a warm embrace. “I know who my family is now, and it’s you dudes. Thanks for giving me the best birthday ever.”

“Aw, Soos! You’re so welcome!” Steven laughed heartily as they all returned the handyman’s hug. However, for as heartwarming as the moment was, Blendin was far from charmed by it as he observed it, completely shocked.

“Are you kidding me?!” the time traveler asked in appalled anger. “Do you have any idea what you just wasted?! Do you know how many have died to get that time wish, the wars that were started-”

“Oh, that’s not all, dude,” Soos interjected, the hug disbanding as he held up a slice of pepperoni pizza. “I also wished for this slice of infinite pizza. Watch.” The handyman took a generous bite out of the slice, which regenerated itself less than a second later. “And it can do that for like, infinity.”

The kids all voiced their impressed approval of this wish, and even Blendin could remain angry upon seeing it in action. “Ok, phew,” he remarked, relieved as he prepared to make his return to the future. “T-that’s a good time wish.”

“You know,” Soos said with a growing smile as he turned to the kids once more. “There’s still ten minutes before laser tag closes. You dudes wanna play?”

“Yeah!” all four of the kids chimed in excited unison, laughing along with the handyman as they ran into ran into the laser arena. All the while, they wished Soos cheerful birthday wishes, which, for the first time in ten years, the handyman was more than happy to accept.

“O-ok!” Greg exclaimed breathlessly as he ran up to the van, the Gems following just a short distance behind him. “So like I said, he was sitting right here inside the van, just minding his own business when he disappeared.”

“So you gonna open the van up and let us see or not?” Amethyst asked impatiently, her hands on her hips.

“R-right!” Greg fumbled for his keys, quickly unlocking the van doors. “But I’m telling you guys, he’s not in there! I don’t know where he could be, and I-I feel like such a terrible father for losing him, and-”

“Hello, Steven,” Garnet greeted the young Gem with a soft smile as Greg pulled the van doors open.

“Huh?!” the former rock star let out a shocked gasp as he turned to see his young son, sitting in the exact same spot where he had vanished from, content and cheerful as he played with his favorite blanket.

“Hi, Daddy!” Steven exclaimed with an upbeat smile.

“Steven!” Greg cried as he quickly swept his his formerly missing son into a tight embrace. Overwhelmed with relief as he was, the former rock star couldn’t very well hold his tears back as he let out a small, though still quite frazzled laugh. “Oh thank goodness you’re ok! Where have you been, buddy? I’ve been looking all over for you!”

“I dunno,” the young Gem shrugged innocently.

“Still in that ‘I dunno’ phase, huh?” Greg smirked, wiping his tears away as he turned towards the Gems. “Look who’s here to see you, Steven!”

The Gems all offered kindly smiles and waves to their future ward, who perked up with instant excitement upon seeing the trio. “Hi, Garmet! Hi, Amest! Hi, Pearl!”

“Well, at least he still knows how to pronounce my name correctly,” Pearl remarked with a satisfied, somewhat smug grin.

“What gives, Greg? Were you trying to pull some kinda lame prank on us or something?” Amethyst asked, raising an eyebrow at the former rock star. “Cause if it is, I’ve seen way better.”

“N-no, this wasn’t a prank!” Greg protested defensively. “Steven really was missing! And I don’t know how he ended up back in the van, seeing as how I locked it up tight before I left. It’s like magic or… or some sort of weird time paradox thing or something.”

“Greg, please,” Pearl scoffed, rolling her eyes. “It’s bad enough that you want us to believe that Steven mysteriously vanished into thin air for several hours, but to blame it on something as silly and inconceivable as a time paradox? Now that’s just ridiculous.”

“B-but… but I-”

“Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to be getting back to the temple,” the white Gem said, promptly turning to head on her way, but not before bidding the young Gem a fond farewell. “Goodbye, Steven!”

“Yeah, Bye, lil’ Steven!” Amethyst called, following after Pearl.

“Bye, Amest! Bye, Pearl!” Steven waved after the pair brightly, even if Greg was still somewhat shell-shocked as they left. The former rock star let out a long, exhausted sigh as he took a seat in the back of his van, setting Steven down to sit beside him. Garnet lingered behind for a moment, her arms crossed and her expression as casual as ever as she waited for Greg to speak his mind on the matter. “Aw, geez…” he muttered, running a hand through what was left of his hair. “What am I doing? I worry about this kid day and night, and I do everything can to keep him safe and happy and he still randomly disappears on me! Maybe… maybe I’m not really cut out for this dad thing after all…”

“Greg,” Garnet spoke up after a beat of silence, placing a reassuring hand on the former rock star’s shoulder. “Don’t sell yourself short. You may still be new at this, but if it’s any consolation, so are we. You spent all day looking for Steven, and I’m willing to bet it was all worth it come back here and see him safe and sound.”

“It… it really was…” Greg sighed once more, smiling fondly as he glanced over at his young son, distracted with his blanket, but unharmed and happy all the same.

Garnet smiled at this as well as she adjusted her shades. “You may still be new at this, but if it’s any consolation, so are we,” she said, her tone completely sincere. “And for what it’s worth, I think you’re doing a great job at this whole ‘dad thing’. If she was still around, Rose would be very proud of you.” She paused, her smile widening a bit as she reached over to tussle Steven’s hair gently, eliciting a light laugh from the young Gem. “Proud of both of you.”

“Thanks, Garnet,” Greg said with an allayed, grateful grin. “After the day I’ve had, I think I needed a pep talk like that.”

“Anytime,” Garnet nodded with a small smirk before making her exit by leaping off to catch up with her teammates.

“Bye, Garmet!” Steven called after her, waving up at her as she leapt high into the air.

“Well, my little disappearing Sto-ball,” Greg grinned as he gave his son a playful tickle. “I think it’s time you had your bath, isn’t it?”

“I dunno,” the young Gem shrugged blithely.

“Heh, I wonder when you’re gonna grow out of that one,” the former rock star chuckled as he picked his son up. “Probably around the same time I figure out what happened to you today, huh?”

“I dunno,” Steven quipped cheerfully.

“Yeah,” Greg shook his head with an incredulous smile as he held Steven a bit closer, both out of nerves and out of abundant relief. “Me neither, son. Me neither.”

“I still can’t believe Greg roped us into playing along with that little charade of his,” Pearl huffed, disgruntled, as her and Amethyst headed back towards the temple, Garnet trailing not too far behind them. “All that time wasted on going over there, and for what? For Steven to be completely and utterly fine!”

“Tell me about it,” the purple Gem groaned, rolling her eyes. “I mean, at least when we tried hiding Steven from Greg, we actually took him somewhere and didn’t just him sitting around all bored or whatever. G-man should have stepped up his game if he really wanted us to flip out.”

“Cut him some slack, both of you,” Garnet interjected patiently, pressing ahead to join her teammates. “He’s trying, just like all of us are.”

The other two Gems surprised their frustrations for the most part at their leader’s chastisement, even if they still did grumble a few of their complaints about the situation while they were passing by the Mystery Shack.

Ironically enough, around the same time as the Gems were walking past the shack, Soos wandered onto the property himself, having found a mysterious screwdriver lying in his yard after his birthday party ended. The tool had the shack’s label branded onto its side, and while he didn’t know how it had ended up in his yard, the boy decided it was only right to return it to its proper home.

Soos was ready to do so by finding the shack’s proprietor, but before he could even head inside, said proprietor emerged from the museum door, absolutely livid as he roughly threw his employee out into the yard. “That’s it!” Stan yelled, outraged. “You are singlehandedly the worst handyman I’ve ever seen! Now beat it before you end up breaking another piece of my property!” The conman watched with a hostile glare as his former employee scrambled away in fear, leaving Stan to let out an exasperated sigh as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “Ugh, I knew I should’ve never let Greg go…”

“Uh, hey,” Soos spoke up somewhat timidly upon seeing this display, but all the same, he approached the conman. “Excuse me, sir?”

Stan snapped his attention over to the boy, giving him a somewhat caustic, unimpressed expression as he looked him up and down. “Hey, you, gumdrop,” he remarked dryly. “Think you can fix a golf cart?”

“Well, uh, I don’t know if I-”

“Boom,” Stan snapped his fingers, not needing to hear any more as he tossed an oversized shack staff shirt at Soos. “You’re hired. One size fits all.” The conman had no more words to spare for the somewhat confused boy as he went on to greet the crowd of tourists that had just arrived at the shack. “Step right up to the Mystery Shack, folks! Step right up!”

Needless to say, Soos was somewhat bewildered as he pulled the shirt off of his face, shocked that he had been hired at his first job ever just like that and on his birthday no less. His grandmother would certainly be proud to hear about this, likely claiming that it was a sign of him growing up and becoming a man in his own right. But Soos hardly cared about that at the moment as he looked over to his new boss, who, from the first, relatively short impression he had given off, seemed gruff and stoic. And yet, despite his apparent cynicism, Stan had decided, for whatever reason, to give Soos a chance, which, ironically enough, was something his own father had never really reached out to give him before. And while he didn’t know where this chance might lead or what might someday come of it, it was a chance that the newly hired handyman was more than happy to take.

Next: 

[poorquentyn]

So in honour of the new Justice League trailer, can I ask you what you feel are the top ten worst things about the DCEU movies so far?

*grins evilly, cracks knuckles*

Let’s get this one out of the way:

10. This fucking shot right here

“Pretentious” does not even begin to cover it. And that expression! I don’t have much nice to say about Henry Cavill in these movies, but I do enjoy his utter inability to hide his embarrassment at what he’s participating in at this moment. 

9. The Why Did You Even Bother Club: Lois Lane, the Daily Planet, Rick Flag & June Moon, the media, the military, Congress…

Remember how The Avengers had this idea of Agent Coulson as the in-universe fanboy who understood the team better than anybody, and how the best part of Age of Ultron was the trip to Hawkeye’s farm? So why do the “human” elements of the DCEU feel so forced and stale?

8. Someone needs to go to jail for these action scenes

I thank the gods that I (unlike many of my friends) walked into Man of Steel sober, because Snyder’s destruction porn in that movie is a truly bad trip. Everything you need to know about the dude is in this juxtaposition: when he’s showing a building breaking apart, he wants you to see details, dammit, this is his canvas. When he has to cut to, y’know, humans, they’re dully shot and horribly lit, and his impatient desire to get to the next orgasmic splash-panel-shot is palpable. Elsewhere, the Doomsday sequence in BvS not only extends the plot far beyond its logical climax (the dictionary definition of overkill), it’s an unbelievably dull and drab nesting doll of mushroom clouds, pure headache-inducing sound and fury signifying nothing, my least favorite superhero throwdown on screen…until the Enchantress fight in Suicide Squad, which had me in tears in the theater, I was laughing so hard.

7. Pa Kent wants you and your children dead, you hear me? DEAD!

This may be the single worst aspect of Man of Steel specifically. I hate it on every level. I hate that Pa Kent spouts this BS, I hate that we’re supposed to take it seriously, I hate how it bogs down the post-Krypton story with no real weight or payoff (since we already know that Adult Clark is saving people by the time we get his Dad’s speech about not doing so), I hate that entire unbelievably dumb tornado scene, and I hate how freakin’ casual Snyder and Goyer are about death throughout this SUPERMAN STORY. Supes kills Zod, screams that scream…and then he’s downing satellites with a smirk, and biking through an apparently just-fine Metropolis, and hahaha look, glasses! Tone? Stakes? What are those? What was the point to him killing Zod other than Snyder getting that fetishistic close-up of the scream? Man of Steel was always going to be a bad movie, but this is where it became a Bad movie.

6. THIS IS KATANA

SHE’S GOT MY BACK

5. Batman v Superman is I Took Half a Philosophy Course, The Movie

Every single second of this insufferable thing is screaming at you to take it seriously. Every. Single. One. And it’s earned maybe 2% of the time, usually when it directly swipes a line from a comic. There’s nothing else to most of these scenes—just This Is Dramatic, with no attention put into the “this” from the basic “we need to care about these people” angle that Marvel generally has a lock on. The ambition falls flat. In particular, the worldbuilding sequences in BvS (the Injustice future, the Flash visitation, the videos of future JL members) constitute some of the clumsiest and most misguided scenes ever in a comic book movie, because they thoroughly ratfuck the tone, pacing, and focus in the most masturbatory manner imaginable outside of literal porn. (Has there ever been a less appropriate use of Exciting Pump-You-Up music than when Wonder Woman is…sitting at her laptop…watching QuickTime videos?) 

4. Scene to scene, line to line, end to end, every storytelling decision in Suicide Squad is wrong

I don’t demand a movie make perfect logical sense for me to like it, and nitpicking about plot holes often aggravates me, because there are many more important things to making and watching movies. What I demand is that you not assemble your movie like a dozen different food-poisoning-induced fever dreams all happening simultaneously. When you have to literally actually reshow parts of your “villain launches their evil plan” sequence (kind of an important part of a comic book movie!) because it was so confusing and poorly communicated the first time through, you’ve lost any semblance of structural coherence. This isn’t clever nonlinear storytelling. This is an abysmal, abyssal editing fail. Honestly, given the garbage fire behind the scenes, Suicide Squad barely counts as a finished movie.

Final three slots reserved for the fatal performances. You know the ones.

3. How did you let Jared Leto keep doing this after day one

How did you not brain him with a shovel or something

2. Why, though

Why would you do this to us

And of course, at #1…

1. This ostensibly sentient block of granite you insist on calling Clark Kent

Ok, that’s not entirely fair. He’s poorly cast, written, and directed. The DCEU is fundamentally broken because its central character does not work. He’s got two modes–deadly boring and straight-up deadly–and neither is compelling. I’m far from the first to say it: this is a Superman for people who never liked Superman.

[thousandmaths]

A Sheaf Theoretic Model for... Traffic Collision Avoidance

This talk was given by Alberto Speranzon, who has what seems kind of like a dream job: “Staff Research Scientist” at Honeywell, where ‘research’ is sufficiently pure that you can (evidently) do categorical theory of computation! He gave the talk at the industrial problems seminar at the Institute for Mathematics and its Applications.

The full title of this talk is “A Sheaf Theoretic Modeling and Composition Framework for Complex Systems of Systems: Application to the Traffic Collision Avoidance”, because you don’t have to be at a conference to win. In any case, the long title more clearly spells out that this is not at all intended to be specific to collision avoidance (in airplanes, incidentally, not cars, which is what I thought).

------

I haven’t been to a lot of IMA IPS talks, but the few that I’ve been to have impressed me in at least one regard: they always say pretty clearly upfront the problem, the context that forms it, and a vague idea about the solution. This talk was no exception:

Context: The buzzword here is “systems of systems”, which refers to the sort of multi-layered complexity that you have in, say, an airplane. If you have a separate control system for the cockpit and the in-flight movies, that’s more wires, more devices, more cost, more weight, etc. If you don’t have a separate control system, you’d better be sure that these two things interact properly (in this case, perhaps, not at all...).

Problem: How do you make sure complicated parallel systems interact properly, without setting up a global framework to manage them top-down?

Solution: Sheaves. Specifically, sheaves are a mathematical formalism that does two major things: First, it permits complex local behavior which need not extend coherently to global behavior (think how $\log$ is not defined on the entire complex plane). Second, it ensures a great deal of consistency between the behaviors in nearby localities. 

Of course, a great deal of the talk was devoted to... you know... defining a sheaf. Instead of going through that here (in part because I am certainly unqualified to do so), I’ll refer you to my favorite* source on the subject. That blog is a little bit misleading in this case though because we’re not doing sheaves on $\text{Op}(X)$ but instead on a category called Int, which has intervals in the real line as its objects, and from any (small) interval to any other (big) one, the morphisms are those translation maps which would include the small interval into the big one.

This is about as far as I could really “honestly” understand the talk, although there were a few clues that I picked up on later:

He mentioned in the talk that this could category could be discretized, in which case either dInt or the sheaves over dInt was equivalent to Grph. I have to admit that I don’t really see the correspondence... 

The main procedure here is summarized in a pair of functors: $\mathbf{Grph}\to\mathbf{r\widehat{gIn}t}\to\widetilde{\mathbf{Int}}$. The second functor represents sheafification; the first is where the action happens: sending graphs to presheaves.

The objects of the middle category are presheaves on Int (or maybe dInt; it was not entirely clear) formed by pullbacks of diagrams that look like this:

A “system” is modeled by an input functor and an output functor, on and to $\widetilde{\mathbf{Int}}$, I think. This allows computations to be chained together without much regard to how the local structure actually works. Although I think I am missing something critical here, since that doesn’t seem to align with the local-global picture that I described in “solution” above.

The last bit of the talk was devoted to the example of collision avoidance for airplanes, which seems like it would be the big “practical” payoff for how these sorts of things might get used. Unfortunately, because of the technical challenge of starting from “A category is defined by the following data...” and ending anywhere remotely useful, the example ended up being more of a toy--- something which had a fairly straightforward classical counterpart on which a great deal is known.

Still, while I do not really understand how this hybrid system arises just by knowing the input/output sheaves, it might be worthwhile to say a few words about what happens without the sheaf language in this example: when the input functor arises as a discrete system and the output functor arises from differential equations, the computation is understood together by a classical object called a “hybrid dynamical system”. Basically this is a finite state machine where each state represents a dynamical system which is allowed to run as long as we remain in that state, and the transitions from state to state can be triggered by features of the continuous solution, such as the function output exceeding some tolerance threshhold, or by external controls, such as the passage of a certain length of time. 

All things considered, this wasn’t exactly the talk I was hoping for, but I do think that a lot of the ideas that he touched on here are related to the whole “Why do computer scientists need category theory?” question whose answer, although I have heard it in many patient voices, has never entirely made sense to me. (People who actually know cat/type theory / compsci / algeo; I’d love to know if this story sounds at all familiar.)

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[ * I should warn newer readers that while Saad’s writing is great, the title of “thousandmaths’ favorite algebraic geometry reference” is not a particularly meaningful one... ]