#of course cas is wrong in assuming that dean is only interested in hurting OTHER people. but cas' secret weapon is of course

[narrynukezankielover]

I know this scene in ep 17 has been talked about before but what I found interesting is that Naomi is talking like she’s getting Cas ready for when he finds the angel tablet and he’ll be forced to kill whoever is with him. She doesn’t specify Dean or Sam yet of course Cas is forced to kill hundreds of Dean clones. This tells me that she assumes Cas will be with Dean whether it’s because he’ll need help and she knows he’s the one Cas will go to because he trusts Dean or Dean wouldn’t let Cas do it by himself and will go with Cas.

Sam is surprised that Dean prayed to Cas even though he’s calling him an ass. Obviously Sam doesn’t know that Dean has prayed to Cas hundreds of times since he prayed to him every night in purgatory and a bunch of times before and after. It’s only now that Sam realizes that there’s something wrong with Cas yet Dean knew as soon as Cas came back. So Dean knows something is wrong and that’s what’s makeing Cas act weird yet he still trusts Cas to watch over Sam. It’s amazing because Dean isn’t a religious person and he has no faith in god or the other angels. All his hope and faith is in Cas. If Cas dies his hope and faith is gone and he can barely function.

This scene is amazing. One of the best scenes I’ve seen so far in terms of acting and storyline. Dean tells Cas to get the angel tablet Cas will have to kill him first. That’s usually something someone says if they are planning to fight back yet Dean does nothing but let Cas hit him. It’s beautiful that they won’t fight each other even in a situation like this where Cas is being mind controlled. Then there’s Deans speech. I know you. It’s me. We’re family. We need you (swallow). I need you. The I know you and it’s me is saying the same thing I just said Dean knows Cas wouldn’t intentionally hurt him of all people. Then the we’re family. That’s a big thing for Dean. It means I trust you, I’d die for you and I know you feel the same way. First he said we need you as in him and Sam needs Cas as an angel but then he swallows and gets the courage to say I need you. This is also big. Dean has said this to Cas before but it was different. Before it was a I need you in my life whether you’re an angel or not. This time it was clearly Dean not haveing the courage to say I love you but the next best thing. This time it’s more about their profound bond as Cas said. I know originally Dean was supposed to say I love you but I personally don’t think he’s ready to say that yet. Then Cas goes to fix Dean but Dean doesn’t know if Cas is going to kill him or what he’s going to do yet all Dean does is grab Cas arm.

The beginning of ep 18. Sam asks Dean if there was anything he wanted to talk about and what had happened with Cas. Dean said like my feelings? Sam said sure if that’s what you want to talk about. Sounds like Sam knows about Deans feelings for Cas and is letting him know that he’s willing to listen. This look was Dean realizing Sam knows but there’s no way he’s talking about it yet.

Lastly I just want to share this. I had a conversation with my friend a few days ago and she watched Supernatural just not the last season (it’s not on netflix or it wasn’t when she was watching it). She also isn’t on tumblr or instagram and hasn’t watched any of the con interviews so she has no idea about what people say about the show. She’s half homophobic. She doesn’t mind gay guys but she doesn’t want to see it. I asked her what she thinks Deans sexuality is. She said bi. I asked if it was because she knows I’m a Destiel fan but she said no it’s pretty obvious considering the scenes. Then I told her about Cas confession speech and how Dean was supposed to say I love you and a bunch of other stuff that was supposed to happen and how the changes didn’t change Destiel at all and she said I knew it.

[autisticandroids]

warning for flashing and potentially motion sickness

CASTIEL: You're the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know.

[youtube doesn't allow this song to be posted, so for higher quality, here's a google drive link]

a little glimpse of cas' middle school diary.

[laora-inn]

Supernatural - 15x17. On Chuck, Cas, and love. Chuck’s true weakness

As all my SPN metas, it’s Destiel positive and happy end positive, don’t like - don’t read.

15x17 gave us a lot about Chuck and Amara relationship. Now I should tell, that inside the story they are not mirrors for some other SPN characters. SPN characters are supposed to be mirrors for them.

Or that’s how it was planned by Chuck.

From the start Chuck wasn’t whole. That’s where his disappointment in angels and humans comes from. That’s why, though he needs fans, the same time he despises them and can’t see the truth, which is obvious for them (i. e. for Becky).  Chuck doesn’t kill his fans. He just sends them away, ‘cause they are "annoying” and have their own demands. He prefers to ignore that. Just like channel execs preferred to ignore us when it came to Cas and DeanCas. 

Chuck sends his angelic fans away the same he did with Becky in 15x04, with the same words actually. “I didn’t kill him (Becky’s husband). He’s just far away”. Chuck ruins their lives with ignoring them - but also he ruins lives of those who he is interested in. Lucifer was his most beloved son - and Chuck gave him the Mark of Cain, which corrupted him... though Chuck’s main purpose there was to seal Amara, of course. 

That’s how his disappointment began. He sealed the part of himself and became BROKEN. Broke himself, actually.  In 15x17 Chuck says he was obsessed by fractals, repetitions of one form on different levels, and that’s true: in Sam and Dean’s story he just tries to repeat his and Amara’s one - maybe, to understand something. To fix himself. Not to be haunted of his own failures. That’s his self-therapy - but it didn’t work even a little for ages... until he saw something true. Until the story of Team Free Will began and his puppets suddenly weren’t puppets anymore. 

Why? I think we all Destihellers had known, but in 15x17 we got a serious confirmation.  These Sam and Dean are so special because of this Cas, because of his total and absolute disobedience. According to Chuck, that’s the only real difference between their story and the others’ ones. 

The reason of that is obvious - love. Cas’s perfect angelic devotion, but not to God. Here I wrote about Adam and Seraphina and the sacred oath reason - in connection to Cas.  Chuck doesn’t understand Cas’s (and love - the synonyms here) importance for his story. For him Cas “is something that always goes wrong” (Dean’s words from 15x03, fascinating *sarcasm*). Here in the end there are some thoughts about Cas’s being the greatest trickster of the show.

There are lots of Sams, Deans, Cases. But there is one Amara. In 15x17 she said her return because of the Winchesters was a part of Chuck’s plan - except her feelings for Dean, as Chuck confirmed. I suppose we can believe him - he chose these Sam and Dean to return Amara, to deal with her. Thanks to them he finally found the will to face her - not to make it looks like one sibling’s death/sealing is the logical reason for another one to live long and happy life (like for Dean in 5x22, after Sam’s sacrifice). Chuck used the story to heal his trauma - but he ignored Lucifer’s trauma, his desperate want to be loved, and the Winchesters’ story continued. Now I think that it was a part of Chuck’s plan - he liked these boytoys so much. And with considering them boytoys, his trauma wasn’t healed.  ‘Cause it wasn’t Amara who caused it. It was always Chuck himself.  In 15x04 he said that he hates himself. I have no doubts about it, but all he’s doing was making it even worse. Hurting others means deepening your wounds. To find the way you should stop. Just stop. And enjoy the moment, maybe - like Amara in 15x17 advised. 

But Chuck didn’t listen to her. Enjoyment means love, and he can’t love. Only manipulate. 

Unlike Chuck, Amara found her harmony. I assume that’s because she found love in herself, not outside. The love outside can’t be appreciated if your heart is closed, like Chuck’s. Well, Amara’s heart is open, and that makes her vulnerable I guess.  In the beginning of 15x17 Amara was reading “Norwegian wood”. I’ve also read this book and think that the main message here is: the real is always better than some dreams about. Just like Amara said to Dean about Mary in 15x15... though Dean seemed not to understand her.  Betraying Amara for Dean means betraying himself and letting Chuck, the vengeful father, who is ready to sacrifice his children in a heartbeat, win. Betraying her means Dean becomes Chuck’s mirror. He gives up his family not for his own freedom, but for Chuck’s.  ALL THIS STORY WAS CREATED BECAUSE CHUCK WANTED TO HAVE HIS FREE WILL. And he can’t. 

I assume somewhere in 15x04 he thought Amara’s consumption was the only way to become whole, to find free will, to feel joy, not disappointment. To be happy. 

In 6x20 we saw Cas’s praying to Chuck while sitting on a bench, with some flowers near. We know that was the moment when Chuck could stop Cas, prevent all this Leviathan story... unless he WANTED it. In 15x04 he said that he loved monsters, Leviathans especially. And by that time he certainly wanted Cas dead (as well as the channel execs, I suppose). 

In 15x17 we see Amara praying to Chuck while sitting on a bench, with a flower in her hands. She wants a balance with him. He wants her dead - not literally though. 

Did Chuck know that in 15x17 Amara would trap him? I think yes. He wanted that specifically.

Did he know that Sam would be alive by the end of 15x17? I think no. He was disappointed again, he WASN’T HAPPY even after Amara’s disappearance.  

Why wasn’t he? The Empty gave us a clue while making a deal with Cas: to be happy you must let yourself be happy. And that’s impossible without love, understanding, and TRANSFORMATION.

Yet Chuck didn’t understand that AGAIN. He said “kill each other, don’t kill each other - I don’t care” to boys only because he succeeded in killing Amara as a personality finally. So he didn’t need Sam and Dean as “mirrors” of his own toxic relationship with his sibling anymore.

But we - now we understand. Chuck revealed the secret himself when told about this Cas’s uniqueness.

To be whole doesn’t mean to manipulate and to devour, in fact these are the opposites. Maybe Sam, Dean and Cas ARE broken, but not as much as Chuck himself. Maybe they are broken only because of him and his trauma, his awful relationship with Amara. Maybe, unlike him, they found the real way to healing.  

Maybe their “cracks” are not like his. Maybe these “cracks” are the free will itself, the things that can change the convo, and they are also something Chuck doesn’t know about -  ‘cause he doesn’t understand them. 

He doesn’t truly understand love. 

The way Cas supports Sam while looking the way to save Jack. The things he says during Sam and Dean’s fight - small things, not important at first sight. They weren’t scripted by Chuck I think: Dean, don’t. Sam, why not? All these looks - from Sam to Cas before confronting Dean. From Cas to Sam and Dean. From Dean to Cas - Dean was looking at Cas several times while listening to Sam, for support or confirmation.

Cas couldn’t fight Dean there, he was so unsure. He didn’t even agree to buy Sam some time if Dean comes back earlier than Sam. But he supported Sam in his fight, said to him not to surrender, said, that Sam’s internal compass was functioning perfectly. That’s moral support only, but it could change things.

Dean also saw support in Cas, but Cas had doubts, he ASKED Sam, why not, and Dean just HAD TO listen. 

As a result they confirmed themselves as Team Free Will. All the three of them - they could escape the next Chuck’s trap.    Still I assume the crucial party in that belongs to Cas. He is something that always isn’t in the plan, something unpredictable.  Notice - when Sam, Jack and Dean deal with Amara, there is no Cas with them. But in the end of 15x17 it’s Cas who asks Chuck about Amara, and that wasn’t the part of his plan. I suppose this question was the reason of Chuck’s getting angry so much that he revealed the secret about this Cas as a kind of offence. Like it’s bad - to be unpredictable. To be a trickster.  To be real.

Chuck’s words about this Cas’s uniqueness influence Cas for sure. After them he looked at Dean TWICE (what for?!), and I think that’s possible that his latter question “What do you mean?” refers to these Chuck’s words especially. Cas was just lost in his thoughts when he heard them. Only when Chuck told about Jack’s death, Cas was brought back to reality. Coincidence? Hell no. 

Now Cas understood something thanks to Chuck, and that will play in 15x18 for sure. 

Also, in 15x17 we didn’t see any Cas+Empty interaction. Only Sam+Empty - but THIS IS CAS’S HELP TO SAM THAT MADE IT POSSIBLE.

So maybe Chuck knew about Sam coming to Death library. But did he know about Sam’s getting God Death book? We’ll wait and see. To conclude: Chuck can’t control love ‘cause he doesn’t understand it, doesn’t feel it. And that's the true weakness that will end him.  Chuck’s true weakness is revealed: he isn’t in love. With anything. 

[rosemariad]

Supernatural Season 5

Of course the brothers weren't going to die but hey neither did Castiel! He came back at the last second to save the boys from Zachariah and his douche goons. Seems like Dean isn't one to forgive Sam so easily this time. And I don't blame him, I wouldn’t forgive Sam so easy either. I mean he chose a demon over his own brother. A demon he knew for a brief time in comparison to a brother who he knew his whole life and who raised him! I know he was hooked on the demon blood but damn Sam, that's cold!

It was nice seeing Rufus, Ellen & Jo again! Poor Bobby being crippled though 🙁

By the end of the second episode, Sam has decided that the hunter life is not for him (again), and for once Dean agrees. Sad to see them go their separate ways. I wonder how long it'll take for them to team back up again though 😛

I think this is the first time Castiel and Dean are teaming up like officially as allies. Before it was under Heaven's orders/influence. It's fun to see.

I don't know why Dean keeps making references to shit Castiel doesn't understand but I love it, its too hilarious 🤣🤣

But really though, why on earth did Dean say that shit about Bert & Ernie?! What does that have anything to do with what's going on? I mean, was he trying to speak in code? Like WTF?! It made no sense 😂 I can't think of any other reason, I've been wracking my brain...

Anyway, Dean takes Cas to a brothel (lol Cas said den of iniquity🤣) and pairs him with a blonde dressed in white lingerie (subtle). Cas looked so scared, like a little kid who's never swam in a pool before 😂

You could have asked the angel what he might have liked before assuming Dean!

Predictably it goes wrong, but hey Cas made Dean laugh, which he was in need of so that's nice 😊

They summon Rafael and when they catch him in a circle of fire, Dean snitches 😂

After their conversation, Castiel leaves with "today you're my little bitch," and Dean goes "what he said!" 😂 - They need a sitcom spinoff, it would be so funny!

We get to see Dean go to the future and see how things are when things go bad and the bad guy wins. It was interesting to see a Dean & Castiel of a post-apocalyptic alternate future, totally depressing though, especially towards the end where future Dean sends Cas to die only to die himself as the hands of Lucifer in Sam's body.

Ellen & Jo died noooooooooo! RIP to those women they were awesome characters! I wish we had more time with them. But I had a feeling when they were all hanging out at Bobby's taking their group picture.

When they were getting famine’s ring and dean got called out for being empty on the inside, damn. That hurt, I know that hurt. Meanwhile Cas was just mindlessly stuffing his face with raw meat in the corner. Good lord 😂

The episode where both Sam & Dean die yet again as they’re straight up murdered - damn!

It was sad watching Cas lose hope in his mission, throwing the necklace Dean gave him away and Dean leaving it behind 😔

Episode 18, Cas was PISSED at Dean. It was slowly building up, with the comments he made about Dean & kicking his ass after Dean tries to get rid of him to turn himself into Zachariah since no one wants Dean to do that, but Cas especially. I'm loving their scenes together, they're either hilarious sitcom vibes, or super intense! But I get why the angel was pissed, he gave up everything for this guy, and Dean wasn't delivering anything, in fact, he was just gonna quit. The nerve!

Zachariah is a real asshole, poor Adam getting told so much bullshit and having his mom's existence in jeopardy was painful to watch. He catches no breaks as he ends up getting possessed!

Turns out this Brady guy setup Sam with Jessica :( and then was the one that killed her under the yellow eyes orders, what a dick! Poor Sam, that revenge kill must have felt pretty hollow.

Bobby what are you doing selling your soul? You know that was a bad call. I mean yeah sure you get to walk again woohoo, but souls are priceless.

Watching Sam/Lucifer go down the hole with Adam/Michael was eh because I knew Sam was going to come back. Poor Dean though, the hopelessness in his eyes. I wonder when we’ll see Adam again and if Michael will still be there inside him.

Highlights of the season:

In the next couple of episodes, Cas gets turned into a little action figure of himself since he scared the half demon kid 😂 that was a highlight right there!

Dean getting old was also hilarious!

PUDDING!!!!

It was interesting for the Winchester brothers to meet their parents when they were young and just starting out as a married couple.

[castielsangel-blade]

So it's taken me a bit of time to get my thoughts in order on the finale and, of course, I did not like it. In fact, it left me with more questions than answers and not in good way that stories sometimes do. This was just... not good.

Below, I'm going to list some reasons why I didn't enjoy it. But, as an aside, if you did like it, then I'm glad! I'm happy you're not hurting about it!

So, the episode starts off kinda, y'know, happy-ish. It's a little uneasy because we have no idea where it's going, or what they're gonna do. Sam's on his run, Dean's waking up, and Miracle jumps on his bed. It's nice. But they only show the brothers, which leads me to my first reason.

1. Eileen isn't there. In fact, no one is.

Eileen was Sam's established love interest, so, surely, we should see her or at least hear her mentioned considering she got dusted off-screen in the previous episode. And Sam's a very caring person, he would definitely go check up on her but we got nothing. No mentioned in passing, no picture in his room, no glance at his phone screen to see a message from her. Just... nothing.

After they're all ready for their day, Sam sits across Dean and Miracle in the library and asks if he found anything. It turns out to be a pie festival or some shit and that shows us that Dean wasn't even looking for a hunt. He was just surfing the 'net while he petted Miracle (I love that damn dog) affectionately. So, they go to the pie thingy and this next part, Dean got a lot of crap for but I honestly get it.

When Sam said he thought about and missed Jack and Cas and Dean replied with that he did too, but then "brushed it off", I honestly think that was on par with his character. Dean this past season (and all seasons, but especially this one) had really grown. He would talk about things bothering him to an extent. In my opinion, mostly to Cas. Sure, he'd eventually tell Sam but usually after some huge fight but it just came naturally with Cas. And it's because it's just easier to talk to your friends and let them see you in a "weak" moment than with your family—especially when said family is someone you've protected for a majority of your life. I think that was definitely in character (although my headcanon is that Dean cries late at night when it's just him and only Miracle is there to comfort him).

So next, a case just falls into their lap and they soon discover that it's a hunt John never completed. And here's my next reason.

2. John was said to be one of the best hunters, but he didn't know that was a vamp nest.

Look, it just doesn't make any sense. Sure, they wore masks and did some other weird shit to throw hunters off the trail, but the most prominent sign points to vampires! Sam got it in one, so, really, what the hell?

So they go and find the nest pretty easily and it's a simple MOTW ep. And the boys have fought some major Big Bad's in their day, so run-of-the-mills vamps should be pretty easy, right? Apparently not, which leads me into my third reason.

3. The actual vampire didn't even kill Dean their usual way. Didn't turn him, didn't rip out the throat or anything like that. In fact, the vampire simply got lucky.

Sure, you could argue that their plot armor was gone, but that's not fair. The Winchester Brothers are amazing hunters and they do know how to actually fight. That wasn't Chuck, at least, not all of it. The vampire did just get lucky and that's the devastating part. Dean didn't go out in some huge, end of the world battle. He went out with a stab to the back (one could argue that that's the network stabbing his character in the back and I'd honestly agree). Dean died terrified. Which leads me into my next reason and also an opinion that I haven't seen anyone else share.

4. Sam could've healed him or gotten him help.

I don't knock Sam for this. Dean was genuinely frightened. But this brings me to my opinion. So, Dean, as we all know, has spent his entire life thinking he's not good enough, that he's meant to die bloody, he's just a soldier, a grunt, that he doesn't matter, not the way Sam does. I feel like Dean was aware that Sam could've helped him pretty quickly considering the fact that Sam was a witch trained under Rowena, and he chose to let himself die at that moment. He figured this was the way he was always gonna go and since he doesn't have to worry about another big bad coming onto the board, I think he felt that it was time to stop cheating Death—it always ended messy. Sure, I do truly think he wanted to live his life (more on that later), but I think in this moment, he actually wanted to die. He'd lost Cas, and Jack was in the wind and dust and rain and whatever the fuck else. All he had was his brother and Miracle and Sam could take care of himself now along with Miracle. In that moment, that's all he could think about.

5. No one else attended Dean's funeral.

Maybe Sam didn't tell anyone so he could just mourn alone, but there's no way, had anyone else known, that they would let Sam be alone after losing the only biological family member he had left. That just doesn't make any sense. It certainly wouldn't have gone over well with Jody and Donna; they'd at least show support for Sam. But Claire, Alex, Patience, Krissy even???? Garth, Bess, and the kids??? Or every hunter in the US of A seeing as, despite causing a lot of the bad shit in the show, they did clean everything up and saved/helped a lot of people. Out of respect, surely they'd show up.

6. From the official looking document sitting on Dean's desk that we see as Sam's mourning, Dean was looking into a job.

This is important because it means that he was getting ready to retire (also why he wasn't looking for any hunts). He wanted to live his life for Cas and everyone they lost, so their sacrifices weren't in vain (and he died anyways, jesus christ).

So after that brief time alone, Sam packs up everything and Miracle and they leave the bunker. This next reason is kinda stupid, but it really did hit me hard.

7. No one knows all that history is down there. And if they do, no one can get to it.

Sam had to have locked it up so all that knowledge didn't fall into the wrong hands. You could argue that he told his son about it, seeing as his son does have an anti-posession tattoo, but we don't know. All we know is what we were shown, which is Sam had a son named Dean and he played catch with him, helped him with his homework, told him something about the supernatural (hence the tattoo) and that's it. We get nothing else.

8. Sam spends the rest of his life with a blurry, unimportant wife (see family photos in which she's featured in absolutely none of them), and mourning the death of the brother, one of his close friends, and his son.

Now people can argue that Sam wasn't a father figure to Jack (or more like an uncle), but he definitely was. Cas, Dean, and Sam were all parental figures to Jack, that's the story. That aside, Sam had this air of sadness around him because we weren't given much else with Kansas' Carry On Wayward Son playing, so we don't know if he ever truly healed even a little. It honestly looks like he didn't. Like, at all.

9. Cas is apparently alive, but he didn't go meet the brothers or meet Dean in Heaven which is OOC as fuck

We're all assuming that the time skip in between ep 19 and 20 is a week, right? Because they stay pretty even with the flow so it's not so confusing. And it was about two weeks since Cas died in 18th episode and a week since Jack became the new god. Dean got there and it was already all reconstructed, so it must not have taken that long, so why didn't Cas, who considered the brothers his family, not go see them back on Earth? Maybe there were terms and he had to stay with Jack to mentor him or something but we don't know. They give us absolutely nothing to go on. And even if he couldn't leave Heaven or something, he must've known that Dean was there, so why didn't he meet him in there. He could have but we don't know. They just said fuck it all and ended the episode before we really got any damn answers.

10. Why did two different versions of Carry On Wayward Son play back to back?

It didn't seem to really go with the flow of anything and it was honestly kinda weird. Seriously. I get that the original was a peppier and that when we see Dean driving and Sam growing older. And it switches to the slower version as Sam is on his premature deathbed and then it stops when the brothers reunite. It was just... odd. All I could focus on was that during the ending.

11. Bobby must've sat there for like 5 seconds if Dean just drove down the road and Sam was already dead.

This one is also not a big deal but I thought it just didn't make sense. Time goes differently. And it wasn't even that long that Dean was in Heaven and Sam was already there. So, like, Bobby must've just gotten a beer and sat down when Dean turned up and he was like "shit, boy. Don't you know how to quit dyin'?!" because, honestly, I would have.

This are all of my big reasons right off the bat. There are more deeper reasons, but this is it for now. I really hope any of this made sense. But, like I said before I started this list, if you liked it, cool! I'm not in the business of telling people how they should feel about certain things. I just wanted to share some reasons why I didn't like it.

[whitewitchdani]

Laters, Baby: Chapter 6

Read Chapter 5 Here

Word Count: 2084

Pairing: Winchester!Sister x Lucifer

Warnings: angst, language

A/N: Chapter 6! I really like this chapter and I hope y’all like it too! :) let me know what you think or if you’d like to be tagged!

Laters, Baby Masterlist

Sam stood and began pacing the motel room, stopping to look out the window. The sun was up. Y/N had been gone for a couple of hours now and they still hadn’t heard anything from her. If Cas hadn’t flown out to check on her, he for damn sure would not be in this motel room just waiting. 

He took a deep breath and ran a hand over his face. She looked so distraught when she left. He just wanted to talk to her to make sure she knew that Dean’s confession changed nothing. He and Y/N were still twins; peas in a pod, two sides to the same coin and any other expression he could think of. They’d been inseparable since he could remember and he did not want that to change. She was his best friend and he wouldn’t know what to do without her. 

Sam was shaken from his internal struggle by the sound of the motel room door slamming. “She’s still not back yet??” Dean asked while setting coffee and breakfast on the table.

“No and I’m starting to get worried. She’s been gone for a while and Cas left an hour ago to check on her and I haven’t heard from him either. Should we go look for them?”

Dean sighed and took a long drink from his coffee. “Let’s eat first, give her some more time if she’s still just processing. If they’re still not back when we’re done, we’ll go look for them.”

Sam nodded at his brother as they both sat down at the table to eat. He went to take a bite of his food when Castiel burst through the door of the motel room. Sam looked the angel up and down; he looked like crap. Shit. This could not be good.

“Cas what the hell happened, man? You look like you got your ass kicked.” Dean got up to examine the cut on the angel’s forehead and looked behind him to the open motel door expecting Y/N to walk in next. “Where’s Y/N Cas?”

Cas took a deep breath, “She’s gone, Dean.”

“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN SHE’S GONE?!” Dean bellowed in the angel’s face.

“I tried to save her Dean. We were talking in the park, I believe I was successful in helping her feel better regarding her situation, when demons appeared. Originally it was only Meg,” Dean cursed and Sam ran a hand down his face at the demons name. Would they ever be rid of her? “But then two more arrived to assist her. The two attacked me while Meg went after Y/N. She held her own but by the time I dealt with the two demons and tried to help her, Meg had rendered her unconscious and blinked away with Y/N in her arms. Most likely to Hell as I could not follow wherever it was they went.” 

Sam jumped up from the table with wide eyes, “Meg works for Lucifer, Cas. Basically his right hand since he’s been topside. Dean, if Meg has her...”

“She took her straight to Lucifer. Dammit!” Dean punched the wall in frustration.  

“Calm down! We need a plan. Lucifer is most likely in Hell; if we’re going to get Y/N out we’re going to need to find a way in. That means we need to call someone with direct access to Hell...”

“You don’t mean?” Dean asked Sam incredulously. Sam nodded sadly. 

Dean sighed and wiped his hand down his face. With a punch downward, the eldest Winchester yelled, “FUCK!”

The first thing you noticed when you started to regain consciousness was the ache in the left side of your head/face. Your mouth was also extremely dry; when you went to lick your lips, you winced as your tongue grazed your split lip. Fucking demons. You went to rub the side of your head and found you couldn’t move your hands. You looked up and saw them chained above you.

“Owwwwww. Fucking demons, man.” As soon as you moved your head the pounding worsened. You pulled on your restraints with no luck; they were completely secure. All of the movement was causing your head to pound even more. “Fucking fuck. Fucking demon bitch.”

A chuckle came from the darkness in front of you, “You have quite the mouth on you little Winchester. Don’t worry though, I kinda like it.”

You looked ahead and saw two eyes flash red. Of course it was Lucifer, should you have expected anything less? “Lucifer. Wish I could say it’s good to see you, but I’ve tried to cut down on lying through my teeth.”

The devil chuckled once more, “Like I said, doll, quite the mouth.” The devil emerged from the darkness and came to stand right in front of you. His blue eyes met yours as he moved forward and cupped your face, running his thumb over the split in your lip. He tsked, “I told them to go easy, precious cargo and all. You must’ve really pissed Meg off.”

“I may have called her ugly, and told her to tell you to shove it up your ass. And then I broke her vessels nose.” You shrugged your shoulders as best you could with your arms strung up above you. 

Lucifer laughed again. Odd, he sure does laugh a lot for being the freaking devil. “Feisty, I like it. You seem much less afraid of me than before. Have you warmed to me baby Winchester?” He asked with a smirk.

You rolled your eyes, which made you wince; your head really did hurt. “I have a name you know? And I wasn’t scared of you last time necessarily. Just kinda shocked, I guess? Not everyday the devil shows up and says ‘I’m your soulmate!’ It was half shock and half thinking you were most likely full of shit.”

He looked at you and put two fingers to his chin, “And now? Do you still think I’m full of shit?”

You sighed, “No. I know you were telling the truth. We’re really soulmates.”

His eyes went wide but the ever-present smirk remained, “Really? I’m assuming you didn’t just take me at my word, I am the devil after all.”

“Well duh. Told my brothers and Castiel what you told me, and then I got to have Cas shove his arm up my ribcage so he could touch my soul. You know the fun, excruciatingly painful stuff.” 

Lucifer’s face fell; he honestly looked upset. Did you say something wrong already? “You’re telling me my brother touched your soul?”

“Yes? He said it was the only way we could be absolutely sure. He touched it and said he could feel a connection to yours, meaning you were actually my soulmate. It’s been an interesting 12 hours let me tell you.” It hit you just how long this night had actually been. You were going on over 36 hours without sleep and were pretty sure Meg had given you a minor concussion when she knocked you out. 

Lucifer noticed that the woman in front of him was struggling to keep her eyes open. “We’ll come back to that, what in Dad’s name is wrong with you?”

You rolled your eyes for at least the hundredth time that night. “Well Lucifer, where should I start? I’m strung up by my arms in what I’m assuming is Hell, correct?” Lucifer nodded. “Your demon bitch split my lip and gave me a concussion; I haven’t slept in over 36 hours; I’m starving; oh, and tonight I’ve found out that not only is the devil my soulmate, but that my brothers aren’t even really my brothers! Yep my birth mom just ditched me on a motel doorstep. John and Dean lied to me and Sam for years.” You let out a breathy laugh and let your head loll down. You were so tired, mentally and physically.

Lucifer tilted his head at you. That certainly explained a lot. Something odd was happening though, he was feeling something for you. He felt... bad? He had the desire to comfort you and to try to make things better. What the fuck, Lucifer? She’s a human. He internally scolded himself but his new feelings won out. He sighed, “If I take you down you have to promise to behave.”

You looked up at him incredulously, “What would I do, Lucifer? I’m half unconscious and you’re a friggin’ archangel, I think I’m a bit outgunned here.”

Lucifer snorted, “Touché, baby Winchester.” He snapped his fingers and the chains disappeared, causing you to fall to the cold, stone ground with a yelp. 

“Ow,” you rubbed your head and then your wrists before standing up, “And are you going to keep calling me that? I have an actual name.” 

“I enjoy it, but since you aren’t technically a Winchester it isn’t as fun anymore. What’s your name again?” 

“Y/N. And I’m still a Winchester Lucifer, just not by blood. Speaking of blood, I can’t believe I’m about to do this, but can I ask you a favor?”

Lucifer’s eyebrows shot up and he grinned, “So eager to make a deal with the devil already Y/N?”

“No, no deals, just consolation for kidnapping me and for Meg beating the crap out of me. Can you please heal me? I’m assuming you’re going to want me conscious for whatever it is you have planned and with the concussion and lack of sleep that will be an issue very soon.”

Lucifer placed a finger to his chin as he contemplated your request. “I suppose you make a good point.” He removed his finger from his chin and placed two to your forehead. 

When he touched you, you felt the familiar soulmate connection spark through you. It was followed by the cooling sensation of his grace, its flowing tendrils moving to each part of your body to heal the wounds left behind by Meg. “There. Happy now?”

“Thank you, Lucifer. While I could still go for four hours and a sandwich, I feel better.”

Lucifer rolled his eyes. He should just kill you and get this over with. If the soulmate connection was allowed to blossom and eventually be consummated, you would be a weakness. But he couldn’t, and he was cursing his father for it. “Come with me.”

You raised an eyebrow but followed Lucifer as he exited the room and turned left into the corridor. As you followed, demons bowed to Lucifer as he passed but brought their heads up in time to glare at you. The devil bringing a human woman into Hell, a Winchester at that, was probably not an everyday occurrence. 

He stopped at an ornate door isolated at the end of a corridor, Lucifer turning to you with a smirk on his face. “This is yours. You will stay in this room when you are not with me, I certainly don’t need a Winchester running loose through Hell. Everything you will need is in here.”

You looked at him dumbfounded as he pushed the door open. The inside looked like a nice one-bedroom apartment that you’d find in a city somewhere, not deep in the bowels of Hell. As you stepped inside you entered a living area with a large couch and television along with a massive bookshelf on the wall completely filled. As you trailed your fingers along the spines you noticed they were some of your favorites: a mix of classics and new fiction. You went deeper into the apartment, passing through the exquisite kitchen and into the bedroom. In there, a king size bed sat in the middle of the room clad in red. 

“Red, Lucifer? Really? Isn’t that a bit too on the nose?”

“I’m nothing if not one for the classics.” He smirked and sat down on the edge, “There will be a demon posted outside this door at all times, the only person allowed in and out is me. If you need anything, just tell them. I have some Hell business to attend to; if I knew this place became so bureaucratic and paperwork-centric while I was away, I may have just let Crowley keep it.”

With that, Lucifer stood and exited your new, what was this place even, chambers? Upscale prison cell? You didn’t know. All you knew was that you were stuck in Hell at Lucifer’s beck and call, and that it most likely was not going to end well. 

You missed Sam and Dean.

Read Chapter 7 Here

Tag List:

@lovesamwinchester​ @tomhiddleston-is-mischief​ @loco-latte​ @stuckinsaudi1​

[spnwriter]

make me yours part 1

I love hunting. I love hunting with Sam and Dean. Don't get me wrong when I say, I hate going out with them. After hunts Dean liked to go to the bar to "blow off steam" as he says. It's nothing personal, or anything they do to make me feel this way on purpose anyway. Most nights I can handle it, it's nothing I'm not used to. I never miss the sideways glances, uttered insults and even the confused stares as to why a girl like me is with these Greek gods. I've had a bit of extra meat on my bones, a bit of jiggle in my walk. I know I'm not most guys cup of tea and I get that. Tonight however the case didn't go well. Some vampires had been turning girls at some night club using free drinks. We needed bait to catch the guys responsible. Sam had the brilliant idea to use me as the bait (a fact Dean was so not pleased with). I tried to tell them it wouldn't work but no one listened to me. So I dressed up and got it done...only it didn't go as planned. The Vamp rejected me...pretty harshly to be honest but I told them that was going to happen. Luckily I had a plan B so I made sure to get him alone before he could be an asshole. With the hunt done, all I wanted was a shower, some form of chocolate and to watch Dr. Sexy MD in my fat pants. That however is not how the night went Dean didn't allow me to say no, not that I would have not to him. Surprise, Surprise I have a pretty massive crush on the older Winchester. The typical fat girl likes a guy she'll never have.

As soon as we hit the doors, I noticed the looks the girls in the room looked me up and down. I frown, I don't think I can handle this tonight. I push it down and sit at the table as Dean goes to get the drinks. Sam silently observing me, he's trying to sus out how I'm feeling. I turn to look at the younger hunter.

"Talk to me." Sam's voice cuts of my thoughts

"There isn't anything to talk about." I sigh

"Y/N." Sam frowns

"Look, it's nothing new. Sam I'm fine."

He gives me a sideways glance but doesn't get a chance to say anything as Dean comes back to the table setting the drinks down.

"You see the bartender?" Dean smirks throwing a glance over his shoulder at the busty blonde.

Here we go, I think as I grab the beer taking a long drink. I know I shouldn't be jealous. He doesn't even know I have feelings for him not that it'd change anything. I know I'm so not the girl he goes for. I tune him out, not wanting to hear him go on about some girl he's probably going to go home with. Ordinarily, I could handle him without too much hurt on my part but the words from the vampire echoing in my head. I know the opinion of some monster shouldn't bother me all that much but, it's not the first time I'd hear them. Tonight is going to be a drown my sorrows in alcohol night.

"I need another drink," I announce probably cutting one of them off.

I walk over to the bar, the bartender smiles widely at me.

"What can I get you?" She asks, still eyeing Dean.

"Scotch straight," I reply as she goes to pour the drink.

"So you, and that hottie over there..."

"Just work friends," I answer knowing she wants to know if he's single.

"Well I figured that much, didn't take you for his type."

And here we go, I think taking the glass she set in front of me.

"I'm assuming you didn't start this conversation to insult me so what do you want to know." I snap

"Just wanted to be sure he wasn't a chubby chaser," She smirks.

I roll my eyes heading back to the table. Sam looks at me with a sad look. I fake a smile as Dean walks to the bar.

"What did she say?" Sam asks taking a drink of his beer. "And don't say nothing you hadn't heard."

"Why are you suddenly so interested in the insults I get? You never cared before." I reply maybe a bit harshly, to be honest.

"What do you mean by before? Does this happen a lot to you?" Sam asks his usual concerned look on his face.

"All the time." I brush him off "Like I said, I don't want to talk about it."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"What good would it do?" I don't give him a chance to respond before I inform "I'm going back to the motel."

I hear Sam call my name but I don't turn around. I need to get out of this bar, my self-esteem cannot take another blow like that at least not right now. I take the fifteen-minute walk back to the motel trying not to let my brain take over. I don't want to cry right now. I shut the door and strip not caring about leaving my clothes strewn around the room. I stand before the mirror in the bathroom. I try to avoid the mirror while I'm naked. I don't like looking at myself. I frown looking at the stretch marks that stretch across my hips. The way my stomach puffs out where it's supposed to be flat. How wide my hips are. The way my boobs sag and aren't perky like the bartenders. I just wish I looked like her, then maybe Dean would want me. Maybe he'd see me as more than a friend. Who am I kidding? He'd never want me.

"I wouldn't say never." A familiar voice breaks my train of thought. I jump turning to the doorway to see Lucifer stood there.

"Lucifer!" I scold quickly grabbing something to cover up with. The fallen angel and I grew close when he stayed in the bunker wearing Cas. He's the only one who knows how I feel about going out with Sam and Dean. He knows about my feelings for the hunter.

"I heard your distress." He explains entering the bathroom. "You've been upset all night." He stands behind me ice blue eyes boring into mine.

I can tell he's trying to make me let my guard down. He promised to never read my mind unless I allowed him. He was oddly respectful of the devil, something I admire in him. He's so powerful yet with me he's so gentle. I've never seen him so soft with anyone else. He told me once that I make him feel safe as if he doesn't need this guard up.

"Just a hunt that went unplanned." I sigh trying to brush off the matter but he knows me better than that.

"Come on Little one. I know you better than that." He rests his head on my shoulder a way to tell me that he's here and will listen to whatever I have to say. We both know I'll cave and tell him everything, I always do. He's patient gives me time to think, not pushing me to talk about it. I know he'd accept me if I didn't want to talk about it. But he also knew that I couldn't keep it in. I needed to talk about it with someone and I trust Lucifer more than I trust the brothers. Something I never thought I'd say but here we are.

"Let me get changed, you go get some chocolate and we'll talk," I reply giving him a fake smile and just like that he's gone.

I change quickly throwing on my favorite sweats that are probably way too big for me but so comfortable and an oversized t-shirt that has stains on it. I never felt the need to dress up for Lucifer. He always accepted me just as I am. He's seen me at my worst. Completely Smashed, sobbing historically and even high out of my mind. Whenever I need him, he's there.

He appears just as I finish pulling the shirt down. In his hands he holds whiskey, my favorite chocolate and a pizza. He knows exactly what I need even if I don't tell him. He sits beside me on the bed, one leg pressed against mine. He hands me the bottle.

"The hunt went sideways, not in an everyone got hurt way." I explain pausing to take a drink from the bottle "There was this nest of vampires turning girls at some club, so naturally we needed bait to draw him out. I told...I told them it wouldn't work that I'm too fat for his liking based on the other victims but no one listened. I um, I just went along with it and well he turned me down of course. Rather harshly but it's whatever. Nothing I hadn't heard before."

"What'd he say?" he asks voice soft.

"Oh you know the usual, something along the lines of he wouldn't go for me if I was the last woman of the earth. how embarrassed he is that I'd even think he'd consider fucking me."

He takes an annoyed breath in as I continue "I'll admit that one stung but, the real reason I feel like shit is because of-"

"Dean." He finishes for me

I nod "Typical night. He hit on the bartender which wasn't a big deal, I'm use to that. I went to get a drink and she said something."

"Where's the bar?"

"Lucifer." I start turning to face him, rage in his eyes

"No, tell me Y/N."

"Luc it's fine. No big deal."

"It is to me. You're hurt," he replies eyes soften as he notices a single tear roll down my face.

"I'll be okay, just a dent in my self-image is all."

He pops up sitting in front of me, a serious expression on his face "You shouldn't have any dents in your self-image. You're beautiful."

I scoff "I'm fat."

"What does that have to do with your beauty?"

"You just don't get it Luc."

"Then explain it to me."

"Humans don't see souls like you guys, they see the outside first and judge on it. I'm not every guy's cup of tea which is fine. I just wish people wouldn't look at me wonder what guys like Sam and Dean are doing with a girl like me."

"I wonder the same thing." I wince slightly as he finishes the sentence "Not because you aren't good enough for them but because they aren't worth enough to be in your presence."

"Now I know you're lying."

"I would never lie to you little one," he says lifting his hand to cup my jaw. I find comfort in his cool touch as I lean into his hand.

"You deserve so much more than those flannel wrapped nightmares."

"Those are my friends Luc," I warn

"Yet, here you are. Upset and alone."

"Sam did try to get me to talk about it but I pushed him away."

"Why push a so-called friend away?"

I hesitate to try to find the right answer. Why did I not let my guard down with Sam like I do with Lucifer? Why is it so easy to drop my guard around him? Maybe it's because he's always there. He always knows exactly what I need to feel better. I find solace in his company, never needing to fake anything. I've never let anyone in like I have Lucifer. Never been so vulnerable around anyone. Here I sit, wallowing in self-pity broken up over a guy who isn't even remotely interested in me and here's Lucifer picking up the pieces like he always does. He's here to mend the broken parts despite probably having something better to do, I didn't even call him. He just shows up when I need him. He says he can feel my emotions at first he expressed a distaste for them but something change with him. I look into these blue eyes and realize, I open up to Lucifer more than anyone else because I love him. The realization hitting me like a truck. I'd been pinning after Dean all the while ignoring the feelings I have for the amazing angle before me.

His expression falters, a confused look on his face. Did he hear that?

"I did, I'm sorry little one. I know I promised to never read your thoughts but you seemed so lost in them." he brushes his thumb across my jaw.

"I'm-

"Do you want to know why I feel your emotions?" Lucifer cuts me off

I nod as he withdraws his hand, I already miss his touch.

"I've wanted to tell you this for a long time but I didn't know how...My father creates soul mates for all the angles. I didn't think he made me one because I'd never met them until I met you. That's why I can feel your emotions, I'm connected to you."

"Am I not connected to you?"

"Not yet, to make us true mates there a ritual we have to follow."

"What kind of ritual?"

"Don't worry about that right now little one. I just want you to know I love you too."

"Lucifer?" I ask

he hums an answer

"Make me yours."

[nerdylittleshit]

Thoughts about Spn 15x03

SPOILERS AHEAD! BEWARE!

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo… This episode man. I’m having emotions. Several of them. I love me some angst and well this episode delivered. Though I think that the promo for this week’s episode kinda spoiled the big character death at the end, so I really thought they might go another way. This episode focused on big character moments, with the Ghostapocalypse functioning as a vehicle for those moments. We do say goodbye to quite a few characters (though some just temporarily), so next week we will shift from an ensemble cast back to Sam & Dean, and what looks like a classic monster-of-the-week-episode, though given it is the last season there might be more to it. We will see. Until then, let’s have a closer look at this week’s episode.

Ketch me if you can

Let’s start with Ketch, who… well dies. And unfortunately next to Rowena’s big sacrifice you almost forget his death. Which felt a bit underwhelming to be honest. First of you don’t expect a hunter/former Men of Letter/ assassin to be killed by a demon. Why was there no protection in the hospital? No devil’s trap, nothing? And of course ketch died in the way we would not have expected of him: sacrificing himself to protect Sam and Dean. Which of course should show us how far he has come, how much he has changed, in particular by the Winchesters. And yet it kinda felt cheap, not only because we saw similar death scenes before or it felt too easy for Ardat to kill Ketch, but because Ketch’s death scene has to live up to Rowena’s and naturally he loses against that competition.

If anything Ketch’s death was yet another reminder that this is the last season, so the show tries to wrap up as many story and character arcs as they can, though I hope we will see other endings than characters who sacrifice themselves. You just can’t let them all die. And as mentioned Ketch’s death follows a pattern, we have seen characters like him and deaths like his before. Characters who start out as antagonists, become better through the Winchesters and end up giving their life for them: Meg, Crowley, and now Ketch and Rowena.

Like I said it kinda felt cheap, using the same trope over and over again, though perhaps this is yet another meta level. We have Dean pointing out that the Ghostapocalypse feels sort of sloppy and not like the ending they deserve. There were many complains among fans that this particular storyline did not feel scary or threatening, and that is perhaps the point. Chuck was improvising and turns out he is not as good as a writer as he thinks he is. So perhaps especially in this season whenever a storyline feels constructed or a trope overused this might be intentional. The strongest moments this season where the character moments: because their choices, their feelings, that is what is real. That is what matters.

Lilith Bo-Peep

Speaking of constructed storylines: there just happens to be a magical object that can get all the souls back to hell, you just haven’t heard about it because of reasons. Again the constructed story is a framework for various character moments: Cas and Belphegor’s conversation in hell, Belphegor’s betrayal, Cas who is forced to kill “Jack”, and how Dean used all of this to let out his anger at Cas (more of this later).

What I find interesting about Belphegor is that he used to work as a torturer in hell and he still tortures people, namely Cas, though less obvious. He has an excellent intuition for what would hurt someone the most. He has watched Sam, Dean and Cas only for a few days and yet he figured out their dynamic, knows that something is wrong between them. Of course when Cas tells Belphegor that Sam and Dean only use him and don’t actually care about him he just voices his own greatest fear, and Belphegor knows that and uses it against him.

For a moment it looks like Belphegor might become the new Big Bad (no thanks), so Cas did the only right thing at that moment and kills him, which of course was yet another torture, as Belphegor was still wearing Jack’s body. Cas already blames himself for Jack’s death and now he had to symbolically kill him again. And of course Cas couldn’t have known that this action would lead to Rowena’s sacrifice, so Dean blaming him for that is yet another thing.

Rowena the Brave

I have grown quite fond of Rowena over the years, especially since they moved her story away from Crowley and focused more on her. I’m not sure yet how to feel about her death to be honest. It was a great death scene (with phenomenal acting from both Ruth and Jared), it was a worthy end to her story, and yet I do not like in general killing of female characters, especially powerful, layered and complex female characters. And obviously this death beats her previous deaths because it had happened in her own terms, it was her own choice and she died a hero. I do believe she already had this plan B of hers in the back of her mind, knowing that something could go wrong with plan A. that is why she choose Sam as her assistant, knowing that when worse comes to worse she needed him to kill her.

And what is so interesting is her reasoning for her death. She claims that she does not care about Sam and Dean or the world, at least not enough to give her own life. But she believes in magic and in prophecies. Which actually is the opposite of Team Free Will, of believing in choice and rewriting your destiny. And the thing is, Rowena doesn’t have to die. If the Ghostapocalypse would have happened she probably would have survived, given her resurrection sachet. This is not a situation where she would have died either way, so she chose the one where she at least would save the others. But to her it is clear that everything that is happening is destined to be: the world about to end, her spell that needs the ultimate sacrifice and Sam with her. And of course it had to be Sam; killing herself would not have worked (or so she assumes), for her final death it had to be Sam killing her. And I always thought she took some comfort from knowing it would be Sam who kills her; Sam who would not be unnecessarily cruel. In the end she chose her death and the circumstances of it; Sam only killed her because she asked him to do it.

Rowena’s death mirrors both Crowley’s and Sam’s death, the two men she was closest to. Her final words are almost the same as Crowley’s and she lets herself fall into the open gates of hell the way Sam did in 5x22. Each of them (Rowena, Crowley, Sam) died to save the world, to protect the ones they love. So is this the end of Rowena? I saw some speculation floating around that she could become the new Queen of Hell, which I would approve. And is Sam now getting more into magic? Rowena already claims he is the most magical talented among them. We will see.

Break me up before you go-go

Let’s talk about that final scene between Cas and Dean, shall we? *rubshands* As I already said obviously Cas is not to blame for Rowena’s death. He couldn’t have known that his action would lead to her sacrificing herself. He did the best he could in the situation with Belphegor. So Dean blaming him for Rowena’s death is just an excuse. Dean is angry, at himself, the world, Chuck, and also Cas. But Cas is currently the only one he can throw at his anger. Dean decides for Cas that he is the one who will escort Belphegor to hell, and as Belphegor notices neither Sam or Dean seem to care too much about Cas, giving the risk of the mission.

Everything that happens hits all of Cas’s buttons, all his insecurities at once. He is afraid Sam and Dean don’t care about him and only want him around because he is useful. His powers are fading, which has actually nothing to do with Dean’s behaviour towards him, but to Cas it reads different. He fears he has no place in their family, telling Dean that at least Sam and Dean have each other. With Jack dead, with Chuck seemingly gone, he thinks he no longer has a reason to stay around. All of Dean’s behaviour made it obvious that he does not care about Cas, at least in Cas’s eyes. And on top of that Dean called him ‘wrong’. Cas has always been accused to be wrong, mostly from his angelic family. Too much heart, too close to the humans in his charge. Now his human family has dismissed him as well.

Ironically one of Dean’s greatest fear comes true as well: everyone he loves will leave him eventually. Though of course he is responsible for Cas leaving them. What is interesting about the Dean-Cas-Break-Up-scene is that it is happening at such an early point of the season. All their issues have been addressed and communicated. Dean knows now that Cas is afraid he does not care about him, that he only wants him around when he is useful, that he has no place in their family. It is up to Dean to prove him wrong. All of this need to happen in order for them to overcome their problems, to get to a healthier place in their relationship. Looking forward to it.

Until next week my lovelies <3

[demonsofhunting]

All My Sins - Chapter 7

Pairing: priest!Cas x demon!Dean

Summary: Castiel can't avoid the truth any longer. Dean did bad things. It's likely that he will continue to do so. But should the priest betray the love of his life? Won't it break him, eventually?

Warnings: soooo much angst, feelings, descriptions of violence

Words: about 1600

A/N: Welcome to chapter 7! <3 I still can't believe that I made it this far! Seriously, for you this might not be much, but for me it's like the longest thing I've ever wrote. Even though I still struggle sometimes ( well, who doesn't? XD ). But your comments and reblogs motivate me so much! Keep going, guys! You're awesome! Thank you soooo much! *hugs literally everyone who walks by*

I hope you'll like this chapter! Enjoy! <3

Catch up here ( Masterlist ) :D

"Mr. Novak? Are you sure that you're alright?" The voice rings in Castiel's ears, brutally. He buries his face in his hands, nodding. His head hurts like hell. I have no idea what I'm doing right now... "I'm fine. It's just...the last day was pretty exhausting for me," he rasps, looking up again, and his broken gaze meets the policeman's. The nice guy drove him here, after Cas' little...break down. Actually, the priest was unconscious for roughly five heartbeats...he woke up laying on the ground, the policeman shouting in his face, worried. Well, that was more than just a little awkward. Now, they're at the police station, sitting in a separate room in 'which they can talk without being interrupted'. The room is bright and friendly, there's a large bookshelf in one corner. The windows are big with blue curtains, the desk between the priest and the policeman is pale and made of wood. Cas wraps the blanket, that a kind woman, who works here, gave to him, tighter around his shoulders. He blinks, trying to make the headache fade. It doesn't work. "I want to know what happened to Dean. Please," he says, trying to hold eye contact to the person in front of him. The other nods. It's the first time that Cas notices the name on the folder that lies in front of the policeman on the wooden surface. Mr. Jones. What an average name. "Well," Jones begins, swallowing. Cas raises his chin. "Please. Go ahead," he says, firmly. "Okay. There was a massacre going on yesterday night. It happened in the town next to this one. There were about ten people involved. Three of them died, their bodies were found at the bar where the slaughtering took place. Four were injured - to be exact, three of them are on the verge of death right now - , and the rest of the  people, who were involved, managed to flee. We assume that they were the ones, who started to attack the others as a group. But due to some eye witnesses this didn't seem to be the case. A woman said that she was in the bar's restrooms as hell broke lose. She took a look outside, and claimed that she saw only one man, who attacked the barkeeper, randomly, while the other guests tried to stop him. Maybe, the majority of the people, that are still missing, could manage to get away from the murderer, who must be still out there. What leads us to the difficult part of the story...I'm sorry to tell you - " "No." "Excuse me?" "No," Castiel repeates, shaking. His heart is racing, and his head feels like it's about to explode. This is too much, too much, too much... Jones' gaze softens, and Cas can tell with one look that the policeman feels bad for him. Really bad. "I'm so sorry, Mr. Novak. But we found some pretty clear evidence at the crime scene. We found DNA that matches the one of a man named Dean Winchester. Someone who already has some history with crime. I went through his files, and I have to admit that he looks like he would be definitely capable of doing something like that." Cas shakes his head, rapidly. "No...this can't be..." But there's a tiny, bad whisper in the back of his head, telling him things... Of course, it can. Where do you think the body in his living room came from? Maybe he killed the woman at first, and after that, he felt like going on a little murder spree would be a fun thing to do. Jones sighs. "Again, I'm sorry. But you need to cooperate with us, please. We know that you are a friend of his - or were. When was the last time you saw him? We need to know everything." The priest bites his lip, nervously. If they find out about the body that I buried, they won't let me go...I need to be careful. Come on, Novak! You need to stay strong! Castiel swallows, then he says: "The last time I saw him was yesterday. We...we went out for a walk together. We're both really interested in nature, you know? We love to challenge ourselves with hiking paths in the woods near town. It's fun. After that, I drove him back to his house, then I made my way home." Good, good. I'm gonna make it... Jones nods, writing something down. His brown eyes are meeting the other's again as he asks: "That was the last time you saw him?" "Yes," Cas confirmes, confidently. "Okay...did he act strange when you were hiking? Did he say anything - or did something - that was suspicious in any way?" The priest shakes his head, shrugging. "No. It didn't notice anything. He wasn't...different. Just himself. Kind, funny. Easy - going." "What about the last couple of months? Anything?" "No, nothing. Nothing that I noticed as strange." Jones hums, quietly. He tilts his head, thoughtfully. "We're almost done. I just need to ask you one more thing: Where do you think he could be right now? Any suggestions? He isn't at home, we already checked on that." Castiel pretends to actually think about it, then he answers: "I don't know. Obviously, we weren't as close as I thought we would be. In fact, I don't know much about him besides his name and his address. Maybe you should search for his car. I think he drives an impala. I can give you his licence plate...at least the parts that I remember." I need to get out of here. I need to contact Dean. I need to warn him. I need to - "Thank you," Jones nods, "It would be great if you could do that. It helps a lot." After Cas wrote the numbers and letters, that he remembered, down on a small note, he hands it to the policeman, and asks, carefully: "Is there a big search going on?" Jones raises an eyebrow in disbelief. "It is," he says, lightly surprised, "If there's a psycho killer running around, we have to stop him. The search for him everywhere in the whole country. He might be still dangerous. It will be all over the news within the next days. We'll get him, I'm positive. I feel very sorry for you. Sometimes, our friends are our worst enemies."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's around ten o'clock in the morning as the policeman's car reaches Castiel's home once again. The priest thanks him, and steps out. He watches the car as it disappears into the foggy morning, thoughtfully. Dean...what did you do...? And...and...why? Suddenly, he can't hold back the tears any longer. He cries out loud, his fists balled, painfully. He looks up to the sky, hopelessly. "Why are you doing this to me?!" he screams, and repeats the words until his lungs feel like they're burning, "Why?! All I did was following my heart! Isn't that what humans are supposed to to?!" And with these words, he storms into the house, runs up the stairs until he reaches his apartment, steps in, and closes the door behind him. He leans against it, closing his eyes. Slowly, he begins to believe what the policeman told him. He need to say it, needs to feel the words on his tongue. "Dean is a murderer," he whispers, and it feels like he's drowning. Sharp knives are stabbing into his heart. Again. And again. And - "Dean is a murderer," he repeats, crying, "He...he is a murderer, he - fuck!" Cas sits down, slowly. He shakes his head. "And I still love him...I love him so much...I need him," he mutters, sobbing, "I need to find him, we...we can get through this, we...I bet he had a reason to commit these crimes, probably, he - " He doesn't even know. He punches against the wall, his fist is hitting the firm surface with a loud bang. The pain that pulses through his arm at this moment is nothing compared to the agony in his heart. With shaking hands he pulls out his phone, and tries to call Dean. It rings, but his boyfriend doesn't answer. In this moment there is so much pain, anger and desperation inside him, that suddenly, all Cas manages to do is chuckle. He doesn't even know why, it just comes out of his throat. It sounds wrong, strange, and everything but good. He doesn't like it. But it feels like it awakens something inside of him. A determination, and that's something he can work with. Finally. He blinks the tears away, and gets to his feet. The priest just realised something. The police will probably question me again. It's very likely, that - sooner or later - they'll think that I have something to do with the massacre. I need to find Dean, no matter what. I need to warn him. And I need to do that before they catch him...if they're faster than me, we will be damned. Castiel wipes over his face with a tired gesture. The irony of his thought makes him shiver. "Well, maybe I should say: 'We will be more damned than we already are'", he mutters.

( A/N: CHAPTER EIGHT <3  )

Thank you so much for reading and if you would like to leave a comment or reblog this shit, I will love you forever! <3

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[mittensmorgul]

This talk of the early seasons gives me another question: do you think the demons were trying to break John in hell? Like, were they trying to break the first seal with John a couple years before Dean? Or do you think breaking Dean was the original plan all along? (I'm aware the writers wouldn't have known about the seals while writing John being in hell seasons 1/2. I'm concerned about the Watsonian perspective here.) Thanks for your wisdom btw, I love your perspective on this stuff 😬

Hi there! First off, thanks! I do my best, and I’m glad you’re enjoying it :D

Second, wheee! Watsonian perspective is what I care most about, so I’ll stick to that. Well, mostly… the one thing I feel I do need to bring up is the timeline of s2, which I would suggest falls roughly over the span of time during which it airs– that’s to say that 2.01 (where John dies) and 2.22 (where John pops out of Hell and gives the assist in killing Azazel) are approximately eight to eleven months apart, depending on which theory of the timeline you subscribe to.

We know that 2.22 takes place immediately after the events of 2.21, which we have a concrete date for– Dean sells his soul on May 2, 2007. According to the Superwiki, John was killed by Azazel on July 19, 2006, but that’s a guess based on the date listed on the heart monitor of the girl who dies in the hospital in 2.01. And we all know how… timey-wimey those sorts of props can be, and I’m uncomfortable making definitive timeline estimates based on just those things. But for the purposes of this post, we’ll assume the range of potential timeline for 2.01 runs between late July and late September 2006 (since 2.01 aired on September 28, 2006, and often without other concrete dates, we assume canon runs approximately parallel to our real time).

So, John was in Hell for somewhere between 8 and 10 months, approximately, of canon standard time. But what do we really know about that time he spent in Hell?

We know DEAN’S experience in Hell, where he was being specifically worked over to the point of breaking. We know that his four months (actually more like four and a half– from May 2, 2008 through his resurrection date of September 18, 2008), but that it actually felt more like 40 years to him.

I need to stress this specifically, because the fandom assumption has always been “well, this is just what time is like uniformly throughout Hell, and not a targeted, concentrated experience catered specifically to accelerating Dean’s progression to surrender and pick up the blade himself, in fulfillment of the prophecy.”

I… always assumed that Dean’s experience was unique in Hell, and that– based on every other glimpse we’ve seen of Hell– Time runs… pretty much like normal Earth time there. Think of Crowley’s meeting with Cas in 6.20, in Hell’s waiting line. Or 11.09-11.10 (where we see more of Hell than ever before– both Crowley’s “dining room” there, several passageways, and the “stage cage” in Limbo), where time in Hell parallels exactly the characters who are still on Earth. While waiting for Dean and then Cas to arrive, for example, Sam only spends about half an hour with Lucifer in the cage alone, and Crowley and Rowena only spend the same amount of in-show time there as it takes for Dean and Cas to arrive, respectively. Finally, we have 8.19, wherein we know Sam had exactly 24 hours to break into Hell, retrieve Bobby, and escape to be picked up by the reaper who never arrived because Crowley was killed. Sam’s time “in Hell” exactly paralleled Dean’s time on Earth, as well as “purgatory time,” which we know runs approximately parallel to Earth Time after Dean spent “about a year” there.

So the logical conclusion is that “Hell Time” is malleable, but that Dean’s experience there was… unique. According to the prophecy they were ALL trying to bring about, Dean was put on the Break-The-Righteous-Man-Speed-Run plan. And I do believe this was a highly specific circumstance, and that Dean’s “Hell Time Dilation” was specific to his time in Hell, and not a universal blanket statement on how time works in Hell in general.

So… I postulate that John only spent those 8-10 months in “normal time” in Hell. And despite Alastair’s taunts in 4.16:

Alastair: John Winchester. Made a good name for himself. A hundred years. After each session, I’d make him the same offer I made you. I’d put down my blade if he picked one up.Dean: Just give me the demon’s name, Alastair.Alastair: But he said nein each and every time. Oh, damned if I couldn’t break him. Pulled out all the stops, but John, he was, well, made of something unique. The stuff of heroes. And then came Dean. Dean Winchester. I thought I was up against it again. But daddy’s little girl, he broke. He broke in thirty. Oh, just not the man your daddy wanted you to be, huh, Dean?

Because JOHN WAS NEVER THE ONE THAT NEEDED TO BREAK. But Alastair was intimately familiar with Dean’s experience, intimately familiar with how to HURT DEAN SPECIFICALLY, and this was an excellent try. But John… was NEVER the righteous man who needed to break, according to the prophecy. It ALWAYS had to be Dean. So… why would John have been tortured that way?

Not to mention, if John HAD been literally strapped to Alastair’s table, tortured constantly for his entire time in Hell, then how the heck did he manage to sneak out the Hellgate in 2.22? Like… think about it for a second.

The demons who escaped were essentially “in the right place at the right time,” because the one demon Azazel was trying to let out– which we won’t learn until 4.22– was Lilith.

We assume that the other demons who managed to sneak through before the gates were slammed shut happened to be Lilith-adjacent– such as Ruby (who knew Lilith’s whole plan from the start), and other demons who were already loyal to Lilith (such as Casey from 3.04, and Tammi from 3.09, and eventually all the demons Lilith surrounded herself with in 3.12 and 3.16).

And yet… out strolled John Winchester. Because Hell literally didn’t need him anymore. Dean had already made his deal. The clock was ticking on the guy they ACTUALLY needed. And heck if that doesn’t parallel exactly what Zachariah said to Adam in 5.18:

ZACHARIAH: Hey, don’t get me wrong. You’ve been a hell of a sport, really. Good stuff. But the thing is, you’re not so much the “chosen one” as you are…a clammy scrap of bait.ADAM: No…but what about the stuff that you said? I’m supposed to fight the devil.ZACHARIAH: Mmm, not so much. Hey, if it’s any consolation, you happen to be the illegitimate half-brother of the guy we do care about. That’s not bad, is it?ADAM: So you lied…about everything.ZACHARIAH: We didn’t lie. We just avoided certain truths to manipulate you. 

Because that’s the thing with this show– Heaven and Hell are pretty much the same. Sam goals, same methods, same objectives, just with a different set of aesthetics, a different interior decorator if you will.

If John had actually been tortured the way Alastair claimed in 4.16, would he have just been at liberty to conveniently stroll through the gate in 2.22? Would he have even been able to leave at all? Would he have looked so fresh as a daisy? I mean

Looks pretty good for a dude just strolled outta hell, you know? Not even the least bit demon-y, right? And we know it takes a heck of a lot less time than a century for a human soul to be demonized in Hell… So everything else– aside from Alastair’s statement to Dean in 4.16, which was a deliberately targeted barb specifically said to make Dean doubt himself while he was actively torturing the demon who’d tortured HIM for four decades and therefore HIGHLY suspect in context of the rest of canon– would suggest that John had been basically stashed in Hell’s Cold Storage for about 8 months while the demons were meticulously arranging circumstances on Earth to set up the events of 2.21-2.22, luring Dean into selling his soul for Sam, and Azazel getting the Devil’s Gate opened to let Lilith escape.

Because strangely enough, I believe the Crossroads Demon in 2.08 more than I trust Alastair in 4.16:

DEAN: Can you bring him back? My dad?DEMON: Of course I can. Just as he was. Your dad would live a long and natural life, like he was meant to. That’s a promise.DEAN: What about me?DEMON: I could give you ten years. Ten long good years with him. That’s a lifetime. The family can be together again. John, Dean, Sammy. The Winchester boys all reunited. (she advances towards him) Look. Your dad’s supposed to be alive. You’re supposed to be dead. So we’ll just set things straight, put things back in their natural order. And you get ten extra years on top. That’s a bonus.

John was never the one they actually wanted. John was never going to work as the Righteous Man, or as Michael’s True Vessel for the purposes of the specific prophecies of the Apocalypse. As Gabriel once said in 5.08:

GABRIEL: You sorry sons of bitches. Why do you think you two are the vessels? Think about it. Michael, the big brother, loyal to an absent father, and Lucifer, the little brother, rebellious of Daddy’s plan. You were born to this, boys. It’s your destiny! It was always you! As it is in heaven, so it must be on earth. One brother has to kill the other.DEAN: What the hell are you saying?GABRIEL: Why do you think I’ve always taken such an interest in you? Because from the moment Dad flipped on the lights around here, we knew it was all gonna end with you. Always.

So… no, I think John’s tenure in Hell was probably a boring (compared to Dean’s) few months spent adjacent to Lilith so she could keep an eye on him in case Dean did take some sort of demon deal to trade his life back for John’s before they were scheduled to.

And finally, a bit of a Doylist justification for all of that: I don’t think any of this was planned back when s2 was being written. I don’t think they’d considered the later retcon of s4 and Dean’s “forty years” in Hell while writing s2. I don’t think they’d thought any of this was part of some larger prophecy of the Apocalypse yet. None of that came about until 4.01, because there had NEVER been any intent to introduce Angels or Heaven into the cosmology of that universe until that point anyway. So… they made the most out of what they had already stated canonically, and left it to us to make the most sense out of it. And this ^^ is my best, least plot-holey, most canon-compliant theory based on the entirety of canon. :)

[dotthings]

Now that’s how to do pain. It hurts but there was growth and the story and characters moved forward. Thoughts on 14.18 featuring lonely bunker tracking shots, Jack’s subconscious being an asshole, self-aware Winchesters, remorseful Cas, big Destiel drama, and Team Free Will tested but not broken. 

“Get out of jail free card.” So yeah. Jack’s been fixing mortal injuries and murdering enemies and being the magical fix-it guy and this is exactly why the writers have had to keep messing up Cas in various ways or having him vanish because Sam and Dean can’t have a magical superpower hanging around fixing stuff all the time. Jack is a lot more powerful than Cas now, and a lot more of a wild card, while Cas as completely proven himself, so this issue has shifted from Cas, who is much more of a steady fixture in Sam and Dean’s lives, to Jack who is re-powered up and extra powerful and a loose cannon. So of course things have to go terribly wrong with Jack. What the endpoint will be, I don’t know. Re-souled and reduced power? Re-souled and turned human? I don’t know. There’s probably going to be a lot of hurt first.

The shots of that empty bunker as the camera reflects Sam and Dean’s search for Mary and Jack, who were supposed to be back there, is very very telling. Oh so interesting. Sam and Dean alone in their bunker is no bueno and the narrative is underscoring in yellow highlighter with these visuals and the boys’ worry. The bunker should be filled with their family and the emptiness and loneliness of those tracking shots...

“Not Nick, not Lucifer. I’m you.” So Jack created this manifestation? Have to say, Jack’s subconscious is an asshole, and extremely hard on Jack. Of course.

This music score is some MCU epic angst levels.

Okay, Nick’s really dead-dead. Can’t say I’m sorry but I get that for the characters, this is horrifying, to know someone they care about killed someone like that. It’s not about whether Nick deserved it, it’s the out of control brutality. I’ll just wave my hands and pretend this isn’t undermined by how much an actual honest-to-god majority of the fandom in every lane, even lanes that never agree on anything, wanted Nick gone and thank you, Jack.

Cas’s memory flashback of Mary, oh noes, this hurts. He offers to heal her but she’s reluctant. “Are you still afraid of me?” Oh my heart. Cas forming attachments to more than just Sam and Dean, this matters. Cas of yore didn’t attach like that, and didn’t mourn. Not the way now!Cas does. 

Cas: “I know you know this Mary, but Sam and Dean are glad to have you back...you should know they’re happy. I mean, finally they don’t have to be so alone.” Mary: “Castiel...they were never alone.”

LEAVE ME TO CRY SHE KNOWS CAS WAS THERE FOR THEM SHE ACKNOWLEDGES IT. 

And it’s interesting Cas assumes their aloneness when, well, he exists. No, I don’t think this line is there to acknowledge Sam and Dean have each other although that’s certainly true as to why they were never really alone and Mary knows that too. But the context here was Cas specifically talking about Mary, a third party, making them less alone, and Mary points out they haven’t been, because hello, Cas is right there and has been there for them a long time and Mary has figured that out.

Oh goooood everything about this Sam, Dean, and Cas scene is heartbreaking.

“I was scared. I believed in Jack for so long. I believed that he was good...we were a faily and I didn’t want to lose that...I failed you and I failed Jack.”

JUST STAB ME.

Dean’s lashing out, saying if anything has happened to Mary, “you’re dead to me” to Cas is very harsh. That doesn’t mean he’s a horrible person, abusive, doesn’t love Cas, is actually going to never ever forgive Cas. He’s scared too. He’s grieving he’s hurt and he trusts Cas. Cas holding this information from them wasn’t the right thing to do. But it’s also not all Cas’s fault, Sam and Dean knew something was wrong, they knew Jack was soulless. So it’s not a matter of Cas deserves to hear such harsh words. 

Dean is ready to grab that BOTD and do whatever it takes. Hey Dean, remember in S10 you made Sam swear to never use that to save you? Because of the damage it could cause? After you say “you’re dead to me” to your best friend--even if understandable how upset you are--now you’re throwing away your own hard-earned awareness of the butterfly effect of going too far to get a loved one back. Dean is in major pain and not thinking clearly. And oh here’s the thing...he doesn’t get into this state of mind just for Sam.

I’ve pointed this out before, I’ll say it again: it’s not about Sam. It’s not about Cas. It’s not about Mary. It’s a Dean thing. It’s his fear of losing family. Talk all you want about how far Dean will go for Sam but he’s flipping out losing it over Mary, and we saw how devastated he was by Cas’s death, to the point he lost all hope. Dean’s rage over Kevin’s death and he broke furniture. Dean’s rage over Mary’s death and he broke furniture. We saw MoC Dean completely lose it over Charlie’s death. We saw what Dean was like in Purgatory refusing to leave Cas behind no matter the risk to himself, to themselves (although not risk to the world).

This is all incredibly painful but I’m not seeing how else Dean should be expected to react all this, I also think it wouldn’t be good if things stay there with no growing and well, guess what, they don’t.

Something that isn’t making sense--if Jack is soulless, how does he feel this much remorse for killing Mary, how is his subconscious torturing him so much about losing Sam and Dean’s trust? I’m not sure where Jack’s story is going ultimately but maybe this is a reason to hope he’s not completely lost.

Rowena: “Talk to them Jack, they’re your kin.” Yep. Rowena, who said yes to Michael to save them all. Who swore up and down to never be weak again, that love was a weakness, has gone all Team Free Will on us. I love her arc so much.

Mary training Jack flashback. I’m always happy when SPN actually shows hunter training and this transitions beautifully into a Sam memory of Mary and now I’m going to start yelling about CLOSURE CLOSURE CLOSURE again. Like last week, it’s all pointing to saying goodbye to Mary. (Which I have some thoughts on, on a meta-textual level, but will do that in a different post).

“How much did the two of you go through when I wasn’t there for you” “Somehow they’re literally the bravest, kindest most heroic men on the planet.” I AM GOING TO CRY. I’m glad Sam got to hear all that. I’m sorry Dean didn’t but he did get Mary’s apology last week for not being there for them more often.

But damn, CLOSURE THEME. I been saying. After John literally fading in ep 300 and Sam and Dean moving forward from that. Now they say goodbye to Mary. 

“Cas should have told us.” “Dean, it wasn’t just Cas. We knew Jack was dangerous...I just dumped Jack on Cas and left. I knew something was gonna...” “I did too...it was a warning...I just couldn’t see it.”

MY BEAUTIFUL SELF-AWARE HURTY WINCHESTERS.

So there it is. Yeah Dean is still mad and Sam has to initiate the wave-down and takes the pro-Cas argument. But Dean capitulates immediately. He knows. They both know. They all knew something was wrong with Jack and it’s not all on Cas, although yes Cas should have told them about Felix. The narrative continues again and again to show sympathy for Sam, Dean, and Cas and I am immensely enjoying all this character development where they’re voicing these things so readily. That this conversation fell within the same episode as Dean’s harsh words to Cas.

Of course Cas isn’t there to hear this, but things are pointed in a good direction for these three at least.

They all wanted to believe in Jack so so much. Even Dean with his initial rejection was won over. They all wanted to believe. I can’t say they were wrong, because I can see why they did, and by S14 I’m rooting for Jack to be good too. I’ve been metaing all season about the good Jack as brought for them, Team Free dads. 

I don’t have a strong sense where they’re going with Jack, it’s not like with Mary and what looked like an inevitable march to closure. I did expect Jack to go dark and here we are. But where this lands? I hope they don’t lose Jack. I don’t think they were wrong to see the good in him but how does soulless ultra-powered Jack can get fixed and how he can come back from having killed Mary Winchester? 

Dumah tells Cas that Mary is “at peace. She died instantly, completely.”

There’s Rowena, being the Cassandra warning Jack about the consequences of meddling with necromancy, plus there’s no body so it’ll be a full mess. 

Dean wanted to race for the BOTD. Jack is hell-bent on using necromancy. Winchesters.

Dean’s memory of Mary sleeping on his shoulder as he drives through the night and he looks so content and happy. JUST STAB ME IT WOULD HURT LESS.

Although Dean didn’t get to hear all the things Sam did from Mary, Dean did get some sense of connection back with her. He got to have his mom back, that hole of loss that’s been in him since he was four years old and he accepted the whole brittle complicated realness package, after most of his life idealizing a soft-focus childhood memory. Although he hits the ceiling about Mary in this ep, Dean was able to let John go in ep 300, and I think losing Mary now is also different. He’s not four years old. He has a family (albeit one that’s yet again a hot mess but I think they’ll work things out). He got at least to get to know her as Dean the adult, not Dean the four year old who had his mom ripped away plus trauma of seeing her burning on the ceiling. He got to say what he said to her in S12, to acknowledge what losing her did to him, to their family, and his hate and his love. There’s at least some healing here.

Jack’s subconscious really wants to burn it all down. Not only will Sam and Dean never trust Jack again, “you can never trust them.” Oh SHUT UP WHO ASKED YOU, JACK’S SUBCONSCIOUS.

Sam looking at the pictures. MY SADNESS

AND CAS WALKS IN. 

AND THEN DEAN.

Okay, that’s good, they’re all in the same room and nobody is yelling. Dean’s still behind a wall of ice right now.

“She’s in heaven and she’s at peace.”

Dean’s clipped inquiry about whether Cas just took Duma at her word about Mary and Cas’s reply that no in fact he went into heaven to see for himself. Zing. Is that all you think of me, Dean, pls. Without getting outwardly angry at Dean. Okay yes this is terrible but they are going to be okay and this is some big Destiel drama going on right here before our eyes. If anyone ever got it together enough to bring this out of subtext to full text, I’d be expecting make-up sex. 

Sam, Dean, and Cas holding the hunter’s funeral pyre for Mary hurts in a thousand ways but for the sake of Team Free Will, the three of them grieving together, they’re all there together, shouldering it...I expected this ep to be a Team Free Will fest and it is, in a really hurty way. It’s also significant we’re seeing Cas grieving. To get to grieve. To be present at a hunter funeral for family.

Cas trying to go to Dean to comfort him, and I presume try to apologize and say how very sorry he is and Sam putting out his arm and stopping him was shattering but so right. Sam is right. Dean needs some breathing room and Dean deserves some breathing room. He’s not canceling Cas but he’s still raw from the grief and trust issues. 

Dean has already acknowledged his own shared culpability. He hasn’t talked to Cas about it but he acknowledged it, and Sam acknowledged it. As I said earlier, Dean trusted Cas so much and they went through so much together to get there. Even if Dean knows it isn’t all on Cas I think Cas hiding the information about Felix from him shook him. He also, given that he already acknowledged shared culpability, is likely feeling uncomfortable because after saying “you’re dead to me” to Cas, well, how does he walk back from that? And even if his rational brain knows it isn’t all on Cas, Dean still hurts. So Dean’s not ready and Sam knows it, and I think Sam, knowing that, also sees how desperately Cas wants to make things right with Dean, and that if Cas gets rebuffed right then, it’ll hurt even more. Sam is playing Destiel mediator, as well as being protective of Dean, and you just know he hates it when they’re like this, but he also understands. This gesture was really intuitive of Sam. 

The MW joining the SW and DW on the table feels right. Interesting nobody added a JW. Back to my thoughts about the camera’s lonely track through the empty bunker, SW and DW’s initials aren’t alone on that table any more. Even though they lost Mary. Hopefully family doesn’t have to die to get carved on there and we may see more to come.

I’ll put some extra Mary thoughts in another post.

[unityghost]

Chasing Answers

Here we are again with part 22 of Post-Asmodeus Sabriel Feels, originally posted on Archive of Our Own.

Some of this story was inspired by a suggestion from @letbuckyeathisgoddamnplums​ on Archive:

The only point where I'm not sure if I like [the way Sam and Gabriel communicate] is the second part where Sam coaxes that confession out of Gabe, even though he clearly doesn't want to talk about it. I mean at some point he would have brought it up by himself when he was ready for it.

You were right, so thank you! (But I won't change my stance on pasta with ketchup.) For further context, see part 20, "Resurrection."

There are a few cagey (see what I did there, Sam?) references to sexual assault in this story. It’s safe to assume that most of these works contain such content.

At the moment I’m not taking prompts/requests because I have, like, fifty million that I haven’t yet followed up on. But you’re always welcome to leave suggestions as to what you would be interested in seeing more of in this series.

Thank you for reading!

By the time they reached the bedroom, Gabriel was facedown on the floor, tangled in blankets and screaming for help.

“Oh my god!” Sam sprinted over to him while everyone else - Dean, Castiel, and Jack - watched from the doorway, as taken aback as Sam was.

Gabriel’s face was coated in tears, mucous, and saliva, and he was sobbing so violently he kept breaking into coughing fits, gasping for breath, on the edge of vomiting.

Sam tried to tug the blankets off of him so that he would have room to move. But the second he touched him, Gabriel began clawing at his lap. Then he lowered his face to Sam’s knee, seized handfuls of his pajama top, and cried harder.

Astonished, Sam laid a hand on the back of Gabriel’s head.

“Can … can we help?” asked Jack.

Sam turned around. “Give us a minute. I don’t think he’s gonna want a crowd.”

“But - ”

“Not yet. Not yet, Jack, okay? Let me see what I can do first.”

“No!” Gabriel howled, and Sam’s eyes snapped back to him. “No, no, no, no - ”

“Ssh, it’s okay,” Sam murmured. “Come on, hey, hey, it’s me. Just me. Guys, I really think - ”

“Just come give us an update when you can,” said Dean, whose eyes were trained on Gabriel; and it occurred to Sam that Dean probably hadn’t seen this version of him.

“I will,” Sam promised.

They made their exit, but Castiel looked back, surveying the scene as if searching for evidence that it was better for him to remain.

“Cas,” Sam said, “Just give us a minute.”

“Right. Yes. Of course. Um … like Dean said. Come find us when you get a chance.”

When Castiel was gone, Sam shifted his attention back to Gabriel. “Okay, easy, Gabriel, easy. I know you’re scared but it’s only me. You’re safe. You’re all right.”

Gabriel was overcome with another seizure of coughing and gagging. All Sam could do was whisper that there was no danger, and that it was time to calm down.

After a few minutes, Gabriel shuddered and raised his head to stare up at Sam with wild eyes.

“Are you with me?” asked Sam.

Gabriel responded with a sound somewhere between choking and sobbing. Sam pushed some of the sweaty hair from his forehead. “Let’s get you back into bed. You got caught in the covers, huh? Here - ” He loosened the sheets from Gabriel’s legs and torso, then helped ease him onto the mattress. The fitted sheet had come halfway off.

Sam sat beside him. “Are you okay? Can you look at me?”

Gabriel did. His face was flushed.

Sam smiled. “Okay. Okay, good. I’m the only one here, all right?”

Gabriel nodded and leaned against him. He was trembling, his breathing shallow and erratic.

“Gabriel, what happened?” Sam asked softly.

Gabriel didn’t say anything.

“Gabe? Hey. Can you tell me - ”

“Don’t do that.” Gabriel’s voice was hoarse and shaky.

“Don’t do what?”

“Make me tell you. Don’t make me tell you when I can’t tell you. I can’t do it. I can’t. Not now. Don’t, please. Please don’t.

Sam frowned. “I won’t make you talk.”

“I owe it to you, I know. When you waste time on me and I don’t give you some kind of explanation for it - that’s bad. I know. I’m sorry.”

Sam shook his head in bewilderment. “You don’t owe me anything. And you’re not wasting my time.”

“Don’t force me, please - just don’t.”

“I wouldn’t force you. Why - ”

“My grace.”

“Your grace?”

“Back in - wherever we were. Raleigh. Rockefeller Center. Russia.”

“Rhode Island?”

“There, when you fought off that spirit. It was hard to tell you about my grace, about why I was afraid of having it back. And you had to know. Wasn’t ready but you wanted me to be so I had to be.”

Sam thought back to their exchange in the motel. Gabriel had been weak and flustered after an unexpected spasm of grace strong enough to heal Sam from an attack. Sam was elated at the reappearance of Gabriel’s powers. But Gabriel had seemed disturbed, and before he could explain what was wrong - that he expected emotional healing to accompany grace replenishment, that he felt useless to Sam and the others - Sam had …

Had what?

He remembered how reluctant Gabriel had been to elaborate - how it had taken persistence to get him to explain his reaction.

Had he really bullied Gabriel into telling the truth?

Ashamed, Sam wrapped an arm around Gabriel. “Well, that’s one thing you definitely should’ve told me. How come you didn’t?”

Gabriel was silent, and Sam saw what should have been obvious: he was afraid of Sam getting angry or taking offense. He was afraid of punishment.

“Okay,” Sam said quietly. “Okay, well, I’m glad you told me. I’m sorry, Gabriel.”

“Not your fault. It isn’t your fault.” He shivered against Sam. “You have every right to know what’s going on with me.”

“That’s not - it’s just that since you’ve told me so much, and I know how … how ugly things were for you … and how bad it still gets …” Sam took a deep breath. “If I know something’s destroying you from the inside out, eating you alive, and I can’t do anything about it - I worry. About you, and about whether I’m doing enough to help you feel safe. If I’ve been doing the opposite - ”

Gabriel shook his head. “Not a lot.”

Sam’s throat tightened. “It’s okay. You don’t have to talk about the dream.”

“Did I get everybody out of bed?”

“Well, technically Cas doesn’t go to bed in the first place.”

“Damn it.”

“No, no, it’s fine. Jack was worried - you know how he is. And Dean was a little at a loss, I think.”

“I didn’t mean to make a big deal out of nothing.”

“Don’t say that. It was a bad dream. It scared you.”

“No.” Gabriel pressed himself closer to Sam. “I wasn’t scared. I mean, I was, yes, but not - not like I should’ve been.”

Sam frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I’m the wrong kind of scared.” Then, before Sam could challenge this logic: “If I tell you about it, you might think I … that I … ”

He trailed off. The color had begun to drain from his face and his breathing sounded hoarse.

Sam pulled away and held Gabriel at arm’s length, trying to ground him with eye contact. “I don’t know what you expect me to think. But I’m not gonna judge you for anything. What he did to you wasn’t your fault.”

“Everything I told you about him,” Gabriel sputtered, “About what he used to do to me, and the things he’d say.”

“What about them?”

“You’ll think they’re not enough.”

That perplexed Sam. “Not enough? Not enough for what?”

“You’ll think that at the end of the day he wasn’t such a bad guy after all.”

Immediately, without thinking, all Sam could do was laugh. Gabriel’s face lit up with terror.

“Sorry,” Sam said quickly. “It’s just - I can’t imagine thinking even one good thing about him. Asmodeus was a monster. I know that. You know I know that.”

“You won’t think I’ve actually been hurt. You’ll think I wasn’t really tortured. Or not bad enough, anyway. Not bad enough to need you so much.”

“I’d never think that!”

“But you might!”

“No. I won’t.”

Feverish and panicked, Gabriel reached out with both hands and caught Sam by the upper arm. “If I let him help me - if he was willing to offer help in the first place - how much damage could he really have done? He gave me what I asked for. Sometimes.”

Sam creased his brow. “You’re talking about what you told me before? About how he used to come and, I don’t know, give you a hug when you were crying?”

There were times I begged for him to help me, to hold me. Because I would’ve taken anyone. I just needed somebody to touch me.

“So much pain,” Gabriel stammered. “There was so much pain, so much pleading, so many temper tantrums like I was a self-righteous toddler who’d already had too many sweets and was still begging for more. And even then, Sam, even then, he listened. Mostly he didn’t, no, but sometimes he did. He’d come to me and try to console me.”

Now and again I let myself pretend that maybe he wouldn’t hurt me again.

“Yeah,” Sam said. “I remember that.”

How could I ever get so low as to need him to stroke my hair and tell me I’d be all right? When within five minutes I was back on the floor and the only thing that shut me up was how much heavier than me he was?

It was a vision that had haunted Sam since he’d heard the story. There was something so peculiarly twisted about the image of Gabriel groveling for the comfort that Sam couldn’t imagine withholding from him.

What if you did that, Sam?

“I could trust him,” Gabriel went on, “Because the others - the guards, the other demons, anyone who came in to visit - they were dangerous; they were strangers. Asmodeus did the worst but he was right to hurt me. I had confidence in him; he was the only one I knew, the only one I had. I took what I could get, Sam. It felt so good when finally, finally, he listened to me yelling for help and told me I was okay.” Gabriel clenched his jaw. “When I woke up just now, there was this - this emptiness that I don’t know how to explain to you. I dreamed he was with me, that I’d been desperate and panicked and my throat was bloody from screaming and he came, Sam, he was there;but when I opened my eyes he wasn’t. Which is weird, because normally he won’t go away. But I needed - I felt like - I needed someone again because he’d left and I would have to … to beg for help, to start screaming for somebody again, and … and it had to be him.”

What if it was you?

When Sam answered, his voice wasn’t as steady as he’d meant it to be. “He’s not here anymore. It’s okay.”

“But that’s the problem, Sam. I just …”

Sam waited for him to go on, but it seemed that he couldn’t.

“Do you miss him?” was the only thing Sam could think to say.

That seemed to rekindle something in Gabriel. “Ew! No! He can suck a pinwheel. It’s just that when he was there, and then he wasn’t, and I needed someone, and he was the only one I had, then … you know, who else was I supposed to scream for?”

Sam wasn’t sure he understood, but he nodded. “Well, you don’t have to beg with me.”

Gabriel’s eyes fell on his hands, still clutching Sam’s upper arm. Surprise flickered over his face, as though he hadn’t realized what he was doing. Slowly, he let go. “I’m sorry.”

Sam studied him, screening for Gabriel’s usual symptoms of panic: tight, thin breathing; wide, vacant eyes; rhythmic moaning; the pallor of nausea.

Once Sam decided that Gabriel seemed a little better than he had a few moments ago, he offered a small smile. “You’re not sorry. Okay?”

Gabriel shrugged, and Sam hoped he hadn’t taken it as a threat.

“Let’s get you cleaned up,” said Sam. “You’re sweaty.”

“Every time,” Gabriel muttered.

“I can change the sheets while you get in the shower.”

“No.” Gabriel sounded nervous again. “Don’t leave me alone. I - I can’t. I just can’t, not right now. Please.”

The last word made Sam’s blood run cold. “Sure, yeah, not if you don’t want to. It’s okay. But you might feel better if you get into some clean clothes, huh?”

“No, Sam, I don’t want - I can’t - ”

“Let me just make up the bed, then. Get you settled.”

Gabriel edged off of the mattress and bent down to retrieve the rumpled sheets for Sam, who said, “It’s okay, I got it,” and went to the closet to retrieve clean blankets. “Should I hang out for a little?”

There was silence, and Sam turned around. Gabriel looked like he was going to start crying again.

“Hey.” Sam dropped the sheets and came back over to him. “No, hey, we can wait to go back to bed.”

“I’m fine.” Gabriel took a slow, shaky breath. “I’m tired, and I’m delirious, and I’m … fine. Son of a bitch, that was a five-star meltdown. When was the last time I threw a fit like that? A month ago? Two?” He sat back down, staring at his knees, simultaneously horrified and bewildered. “I didn’t mean to, Sam.”

“I know.”

“Most of the time it’s not that unreasonable a demand on myself to remember where I am. At least not during the day. Letting myself sleep while I wait for my grace to get back to normal, it’s … that’s been a real game-changer.”

Sam took a seat beside him. “Everything feels different at night, doesn’t it?”

“It was like he … like I … be honest: am I making any sense here? Do you understand, sort of, what I’m getting at? I’m not trying to tell you I have some freaky Stockholm Asmodeus-sized hole in my heart. That’s not it. I don’t know what it is, but it’s not that.”

“Hmm.” Sam considered. “Yeah, I mean … it’s like you said, right? He was the only one you had.”

Gabriel nodded. “All I could think just now was, ‘Where did he go? What did I do? I need - I - ’” Gabriel tried to steady himself with a few deep breaths, but his face crumpled and he covered it with his hands. “‘I need him to come back.’”

Sam’s throat closed up as he watched Gabriel drag his knees to his chest and bury his hands in his hair, trying to make himself as small as he could. Somehow this felt different than simply trying to coax Gabriel out of the fear that so often paralyzed him after dark.

It wasn’t something Sam could remember ever having experienced in Hell. His torture had been different than Gabriel’s - from what Gabriel had told him, Asmodeus worked from the inside out, while Lucifer began with the skin - but it was generally easy to picture Lucifer engaging in so many of the psychological tortures Gabriel had cited.

This one - the practice of forcing Sam into loyalty, into something that Gabriel seemed, despite his denial, to read as something close to love - had no place in Sam’s memory.

Sam pulled Gabriel in for an embrace. “I’m here. You don’t need him.”

Gabriel jerked his head up, face streaked with tears. “I know I don’t need him! I know that, Sam! But I did then!”

Sam opened his mouth to reply, but then realized that this wasn’t about trying to explain that Gabriel had never really needed Asmodeus to come and sit with him, to come and guide him through the same helplessness Sam handled now; there was no point in trying to convince him that Asmodeus had lied.

Because to Gabriel, in Hell, illusion mattered. There was no disentangling true and false when each had bled into the other while Gabriel was at the mercy of the storyteller.

“Well,” Sam said at last, “You don’t need him anymore.”

Gabriel didn’t reply.

“Gabriel? You know that, right? You need help. You need to feel safe. You don’t need him.”

Gabriel nodded but didn’t meet Sam’s eyes.

“All he ever did to you,” Sam continued, “Was make you feel like you deserved what you got. And taunting you by pretending like affection was some kind of - of privilege - ” Sam swallowed. “I hate that he did that to you, Gabriel. I hate that he made you believe in him like that.”

Gabriel looked up at him.

“Asmodeus was cruel,” Sam insisted. “He liked seeing you in pain. And the best way of doing that was to play with what you would’ve given anything for. He teased you, Gabriel. It was a filthy trick, and it wasn’t your fault.”

“Yes it was,” Gabriel replied in a high, strangled voice. “For letting him do it. For letting him - for - ”

“Ssh, try to calm down. I know it hurts.”

Gabriel dragged a shaking hand over his eyes. “It’s on me, Sam. It is. There’s no trying to mess around with that. Which is - ” He pulled away from Sam and squared his shoulders. “Which is fine. That’s all good and done, isn’t it? No way to get that opportunity back.”

“Opportunity for what?”

“For dignity. For strength.” Gabriel forced a smile. “Knowing you, you probably believe what you’re saying - that I was just some poor bloodied-up sap with no understanding of what I was doing. But I knew.” His features hardened. “I could hear myself, Sam. And let me tell you, it was a hell of an experience listening to all that screaming and crying in my voice. All because I didn’t want to be alone. Because I was desperate for …” His face twisted with revulsion. “For comfort. I don’t even know why. Just … I’d been beaten and stripped and torn apart and screamed at. Had my grace drained. Wanted to be told I’d be okay. Even if I knew it was a lie.”

“Gabriel …”

“What I really don’t understand is why I couldn’t not need him. And it’s the same with you; I can’t not need you, except with you it makes more sense because the worst you’ve ever done to me is give a stern spiel about how I shouldn’t go looking for an angel blade.”

Sam stiffened, disturbed both by the memory of how alarmed he’d been to hear Gabriel speak of self-destruction and of how harshly he himself had behaved in response.

“It’s okay that you need me,” he told Gabriel.

“It really isn’t. Not to me.”

Somehow this disappointed Sam. “Not even after all this time?”

“I thought it would be over by now. I thought I would be better. Stronger. Not like this.”

“You are doing better.”

“You know what I mean. Healed. I thought that even if I had to sleep at all, the nightmares would stop; I thought if the nightmares kept going, I’d be able to handle them on my own. I didn’t think I’d still be stuck like this. Like a baby. Even Jack, an actual baby, is more put-together than I am. You’re doing everything right, Sam. Everything. Well, except - I know I’ve said before that you should be letting me face this down without all the extra help. That I won’t get over it unless I practice sans Winchester.”

“Which isn’t true," Sam protested. And I’m not doing everything right. You gotta tell me when I make it worse. Like forcing you to say what you really don’t want to.”

Gabriel blinked, puzzled, as if he didn’t remember making such accusations. “That? It’s okay.”

“No. It’s not. I’m glad you let me know.”

“Uh. Well … that’s still not something you’re doing wrong, Sam. That’s just down to my own wimpiness. If I’m gonna be shrieking for a savior in the middle of the night, Messiah Sam should at least know what I’m whining about.”

“Gabe, no.” Sam offered his hand, and Gabriel, after a moment’s hesitation, accepted it. “I’m here to help, not file a report.”

Gabriel gazed down at their hands. Sam saw his eyes flicking back and forth, as if trying to memorize the placement of their fingers. “He didn’t listen. All I could do was scream for help, scream that I was sorry, scream that I needed him to come back. Screamed so hard I tore my damn throat and puked up blood.”

Sam nodded. “I remember you telling me that.”

“And even though I knew - of course I knew; I was insane, but not stupid - that he’d come back in there and kick me in the ribs for that, make me shove it back down my wounded gullet, I still didn’t want to be alone. I - someone. Him. He was all I - ”

“All you had.” Sam tightened his grip. “You have a lot more now. You’ve got me, and your brother, and my brother, and your nephew. And Gabriel, I’d never be able to live with myself if I left you to beg for comfort.”

“Well, you’ve got low standards for what’s worth your self-esteem.” Gabriel paused. “Remember when I spazzed out about that kid in the grocery store?”

“Peanut butter cookie boy.”

“Yeah. This isn’t too far from what was going on then. Because the second Asmodeus would leave, it’d be ‘no, come back, help me,’ and he’d get furious - ‘Why are you always wanting more, Gabriel? How is it that nothing is ever enough for your greedy ass?’”

“Don’t go down that road,” Sam warned, as gently as he could. “You’re going to get all worked up.”

“I know. I just - it was the same sort of mess. Pleading for him to come back. Always demanding more - exactly like I do with you.”

That took Sam by surprise. “You don’t do that.”

“Oh, please. Maybe I don’t prostrate myself like I did with him - unless you count just now - but I still can’t function without you. Whatever you do to pull me out of this, it’s never enough for me. Not because you’re doing a shit job, but because I’m flimsier than a stoned flatworm. And this is going to sound crazy, but the truth is I feel like maybe that’s because I know you, like I knew him, except I could trust him partly because he was doing the right thing by punishing me. And I can trust you because it seems like you’re doing the right thing by not punishing me. What am I supposed to believe, Sam? Because I’d really rather believe you.” His eyes shone with tears. “So I keep coming back to you, over and over again, hoping that sooner or later I’ll take you seriously.”

Sam took a few moments to gather his thoughts before offering a reply. “I don’t know how true that is.”

Still holding on to Sam’s hand, Gabriel cast him a look of confusion.

“I think,” Sam continued, “That it’s easier to tell yourself you’re chasing answers than admit that you’re so broken you need someone to make you feel safe. There’s not an end to that. Or there is, maybe, somewhere, but it isn’t a missing puzzle piece. It’s time and learning. You had to face so much violence, so much abuse, for such a long time, that the pain is just …” Sam cleared his throat. “I know, Gabriel. I know how hard it is to stop hurting. You don’t owe it to me or anyone else to be okay.”

A number of emotions clawed their way over Gabriel’s features: horror and relief, sorrow and gratitude, hunger and uncertainty.

“This isn’t about strategy or expectations,” Sam told him. “This is about you.”

Gabriel made a small, frightened sound. Sam had the sense that he wasn’t scared but simply overwhelmed, incapable of understanding - or accepting - Sam’s narrative.

“I’ve told you before,” Sam went on, softening his voice, “You’re sick and you need to let yourself get better. Part of that means not being so hard on yourself. You’re not responsible for what Asmodeus put you through and I’ll tell you that as many times as I gotta.”

He could feel Gabriel’s hand shaking in his, but opted not to comment on it. It was Gabriel’s turn to talk - or, if he preferred, to stay silent.

Finally, he pulled in a harsh breath through his nose. For a second Sam felt sure he was going to speak; but Gabriel remained quiet, squeezing Sam’s hand hard enough to cause pain, probably trying to root himself in the present.

Or perhaps this was another way of begging.

“You know, right?” said Sam. “You know that you don’t have to worry about being ignored. I’m here for you and so are the rest of us. Gabriel, the second we heard you screaming, we couldn’t think about anything else. All that mattered was making sure you knew you weren’t alone.”

Eyes fixed on the far wall, Gabriel moved his other hand so that both clutched at Sam’s.

“Hey,” Sam soothed, “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I feel like I can’t get close enough. I don’t know how to explain it. I was alone for so long, isolated, cold - ”

“And more importantly, you’re not anymore, all right? Now you’re with us.”

“With you. Guys,” he added. “With you guys now. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.” Gingerly, Gabriel extricated his hands.

“You don’t have to do that,” Sam told him. “Doesn’t bother me if you want to be touched; it just bothers me that you’re afraid you might not get the opportunity.”

Gabriel shrugged, eyes trained on his lap. “It’s okay. Practice makes progress, right?”

Why was it, Sam wondered, that Gabriel was so convinced he needed to restrain himself from seeking affection? “Look … I know you still think you have some obligation to learn how to keep your distance and deal with everything by yourself. I do the same thing. I - ” He paused, surprised at what he had just said. It was not a fact he’d intended to disclose. “Anyway, that wouldn’t mean getting better, would it? It’d mean hiding. There’s a difference.”

Gabriel studied him, likely trying to process the halfway point of Sam’s lecture.

“It’s a good thing you haven’t forgotten how to look for help,” Sam insisted, intent upon redirecting the conversation. “Otherwise you would still be falling apart.”

Gabriel’s expression shifted into one of derision. “Because I’m so stoic these days.”

“No one’s pretending you’re all right, but you’ve come a long way.”

“How can you say that after the state you just found me in?”

“I didn’t say you always feel better. Sometimes though, right?”

Gabriel sighed. “Sometimes. But I owe you at least - ”

“You owe yourself a break. That’s the only thing you need to promise anyone.”

He spent half a minute waiting for Gabriel to respond, but Gabriel only leaned his head against Sam’s shoulder and closed his eyes.

“I’ll stay with you if you want to go back to sleep,” said Sam.

“I have a headache. Sleep sounds anything but appealing but I guess I at least need to lie down for a little.”

“Okay. Well, let me put on some fresh sheets.”

Gabriel slid to his feet and Sam began making up the bed.

“I mean,” said Gabriel, “You don’t have to stay, but - ”

“No, I want to. Wait - ” Sam shook his head. “Sorry, I know you don’t like that word. I keep forgetting.”

“I don’t care if you’re talking about wanting to do something. I’ll happily tell you ‘I want to drink some trauma cocoa’; I don’t want to say …” He tensed. “Don’t want to say ‘I want trauma cocoa.’ Things. I can’t want things.”

“Gotcha.”

“It’s weird, I know.”

“You’re trying to tell me about weird?” Sam finished tucking in the top sheet and tossed the bedspread over it. “You have no idea how high my standards for ‘weird’ are.”

“I have pretty high standards myself, and this is still messy.”

“You’re not exactly an impartial judge right now.”

“Mm.” Gabriel hesitated, then said, “I hope I don’t dream again. I can’t take another nightmare.”

“Even if you do, you’re not gonna have to scream. I’m here.”

“I don’t usually get that bad, right?”

“You don’t usually wake up in hysterics like that, no. Oh - hey, listen, before we go to sleep I need to let the others know things are okay. Can I leave you for just a minute?”

“Uh. Yes. Sure.”

“Should I tell them what’s going on? Why you were so upset?”

Gabriel frowned, contemplating. Then: “Tell my brother. Keep it under wraps otherwise. If you don’t mind.”

“They won’t judge you for it. It might help them help you.”

“Look, Jack can’t know because he doesn’t need that image stunting his growth; and Dean can’t know because - no offense - but I sort of don’t trust him not to judge me for it.”

“I have pretty high standards myself, and this is still messy.”

“You’re not exactly an impartial judge right now.”

“I hope I don’t dream again.” There was distress in Gabriel’s voice. “I can’t take another nightmare.”

“Even if you do, you’re not gonna have to scream. I’m here.”

“I don’t usually get that bad, right?”

“You don’t usually wake up in hysterics like that, no. Oh - hey, listen, before we go to sleep I need to let the others know things are okay. Can I leave you for just a minute?”

“Uh. Yes. Sure.”

“Should I tell them what’s going on? Why you were so upset?”

Gabriel frowned, contemplating. Then: “Tell my brother. Keep it under wraps otherwise. If you don’t mind.”

“They won’t judge you for it. It might help them help you.”

“Look, Jack can’t know because he doesn’t need that image stunting his growth; and Dean can’t know because - no offense - but I sort of don’t trust him not to judge me for it.”

“No one is going to - ”

“Please, Sam. Just Castiel. Don’t let anyone else in on this.”

With some reluctance, Sam nodded. “Just Cas. I’ll be right back, okay? I promise.”

Gabriel held out his hand and Sam took it.

“I can wait,” Gabriel said, and let go.

Sam found the others gathered in the kitchen, Dean taking a swig from a bottle of beer, Jack focused on a laptop screen, and Cas gazing into the distance, lost in thought, chin in hand.

“Hey,” said Sam, and they all looked up.

“Did he conk out again?” asked Dean.

“No. I’m going back to stay with him for the night. But he’s okay. Cas, can I talk to you for a second?”

Cas got to his feet, looking unsurprised. “Sure. We can go to the library.”

“Can I - ” Jack began, but Cas interrupted. “You’re helping all of us with your research, Jack. Keep trying to find cases.”

Jack looked disappointed. “Okay.”

“You want us to clear out?” Dean offered.

“No, no, you guys stay put,” Sam replied. The truth was that he wanted a smaller, more intimate space that at least provided the illusion of privacy.

Sam and Castiel sat down side by side at a table strewn with tattered books on witchcraft. About a week prior, there had been signs of magical activity not far from the Bunker: a teenage girl who had died in her bedroom after cerebral fluid - per the autopsy report - had leaked from her ears, nose, and mouth, swimming with maggots. The culprit turned out to be the biology instructor at her school, a man who had had an affair with the girl’s mother and targeted Jamila after overhearing her tell a friend of plans to inform the principal.

Cas folded his hands on the tabletop. “What did he tell you?”

Sam suddenly wished he had taken the time to figure out how to explain. The more he pictured what Gabriel had told him, the more nauseated he felt having to witness it all over again.

“Sam?”

Sam blinked. “Yeah, uh, he said … a little while back he told me about how Asmodeus used to try to calm him down. Hold him and whatnot.”

Cas recoiled. “That’s repugnant.”

“Right. Well, apparently Gabriel used to have to beg for comfort, and when he woke up tonight he … he thought Asmodeus had left him to suffer alone.”

“And so Gabriel was trying to get his attention?”

Sam tightened his lips. “Yeah. Makes you feel sick, doesn’t it?”

Castiel didn’t say anything. His face was pale and drawn.

“Cas?”

Elbows still rested on the table, Cas laced his fingers and laid his forehead on them. “This is too much. For him, for me. For all of us.”

“Well, make sure you don’t tell him that.”

“Never. I just …” He raised his head, and Sam was horrified to see that there were tears in his eyes. “I almost wish you hadn’t told me.”

Feeling helpless, Sam replied, “He asked me to. He said not to let Dean or Jack in on it but he wanted you to know the story. Next time - ”

“It’s all right; I’m prepared for the next ‘too much.’ If anyone should be overwhelmed it’s you.” Cas shook his head, avoiding Sam’s gaze. “I only wish he hadn’t gone through the agony he did. That there was something I could have done.”

Sam wasn’t quite sure what to say. “Cas, he’ll be okay. I’m taking care of him.”

Cas nodded, still staring absently at the stacks of books on the table. “Go get some sleep. If something happens, find me.”

Sam stood up. “Listen, you’ve been pushing yourself pretty hard too. Go do something to relax. Watch a stupid show on Netflix. Unwind. I’ll see you in a little bit, okay?”

Cas nodded. “Good night, Sam.”

Sam tried not to think about Gabriel’s story on the way back to the bedroom. What was it, he wondered, that made this so particularly unsettling for both him and Castiel? Was it merely the shock of finding Gabriel lying by the bed, gagging on his own cries for help?

That image crept into Sam’s mind, followed by a vision of Gabriel in his cell, pounding the bars with his fists, face tear-streaked and bloody as he screamed and screamed …

Sam stopped to lean against the wall. He had to shut that picture away before returning to the bedroom. Otherwise he would be no help to Gabriel.

Every time the scene flashed before him, Sam felt the urge to intervene then and there, when it had actually happened. He wanted to shield that Gabriel - the terrified, desperate, battered Gabriel that had returned tonight.

But now was what mattered. Now was the time to reroute all that begging and pleading so that it led to safety.

Sam took a deep breath and pushed himself away from the wall. Gabriel needed him, and Sam wasn’t going to make him wait.

[mattzerella-sticks]

Drop the Act (Dean/Cas, Sam-centric fic, Post-Canon, 3.5k)

After defeating the Empty, Sam thought all the surprises were done for. Cas was saved, was human, and the Winchesters were a complete family unit doing what they do best: hunting monsters and saving people. He didn't account for his brother and angel best friend to manage one final surprise after coming back from a routine hunt in Florida.

But that's what happens when you don't see what's been happening right in front of you for a year.

(Love to my #SPNFamily)

(Link to ao3)

           Sam enjoyed the Bunker these past two weeks while Dean and Cas were away. It was a vacation filled with dusty archives and suspenseful podcasts, eating when he wanted to and not having to put his research away while he did it.

           There were a few interruptions, like phone calls from his mom checking in. Making sure Sam didn’t neglect basic care for translating more texts. He was offended when Mary suggested he take a night off and step out from the underground. So Sam wouldn’t become, in her words, a ‘hermit’.

           His entire time alone wasn’t spent holed away from the world; Sam jogged in the early mornings – when he remembered to sleep at a normal time. And every other day he’d set aside a half-hour for yoga among the trees. Mary still wasn’t satisfied at that, remarking how little he interacted with others in his downtime. Rolling his eyes, Sam told her he hadn’t any need. The kitchen was well stocked before Dean left, and unlike his brother Sam learned how to control his portions.

           Sam wasn’t avoiding people; he found no need to seek others out. But when they came, he didn’t turn them away. Even with Dean and Cas out, Jack stayed with him. He, too, was uninvited from the hunt. They left each other alone for the most part, both busy with their own things. If he saw Jack, though, he wouldn’t ignore him. Sam invited his angelic son along with him the other day when he took interest with his yoga mat. Jack didn’t get farther than the warrior pose, but he had fun with it.

           So Sam had no problem being around people. He just appreciated his alone time, especially after a rough couple of months. Drowning in back-to-back hunts, he needed to lock himself down and recharge his batteries. Dean and Cas finding their own hunt, one he wasn’t asked to go on, was a sign. The peace and quiet lifted Sam’s spirits. He wasn’t bombarded with loud music, the clatter of pots and pans, distracting chatter and loud, suspicious noises at strange times. Wherever those two went, a commotion was hanging overhead like heavy, dark clouds.

           When he heard the slam of the Bunker door though, he knew his serenity was shattered. He shut his book with a sigh, glancing up as Dean and Cas descended the staircase with suitcases in hand.

           The hunt was in Florida, closer to Miami than Orlando. Now back in Kansas, they still looked ready for the beach. Dean wore a calm t-shirt of a muted grey color, a complete opposite to Cas’s loud rainbow colored Hawaiian shirt. They both also had on board shorts and flip-flops. Sunglasses were loss in the bird’s nest of Cas’s dark hair while Dean’s was hidden by his backwards cap. The entire walk down the stairs, the two bickered with relaxed grins stretched across their tan faces. Cas’s skin was even more bronzed than usual, while Dean’s body shone with star-like freckles.

           Even after a year, Sam found Cas a strange sight when out of his holy tax accountant armor. Picking out a wardrobe was one of the many things Dean taught Cas after becoming human. He didn’t mind, sticking by their friend’s side through it all. He forgot much of what he already learned for his first stint, and the process the second time around was anything but easy. Dean’s resolve never wavered, helping Cas develop his routines and explore his tastes. “What I should have done the first time around,” Dean said.

           “Hey guys,” Sam waved at them, “Didn’t know you were coming back so soon.”

           Dean nodded, dropping his stuff at the head of the table. “Yeah, sorry ‘bout that. We kinda lost track of time and forgot to call…”

           “To be fair,” Cas said laying his own luggage beside Dean’s, “I assumed Dean had already done so before we left the motel.”

           He rolled his eyes. “When could I have? I wasn’t out of your sight that entire morning.” Dean sat, continuing. “Besides, I thought I told you to text Sam when we stopped for the night in Illinois?”

           “That’s your fault,” Cas told him, taking the chair to Dean’s left for himself. “My thumb hit the wrong button because of somebody –“

           “Oh like that was a problem for you,” Dean cut him off, beaming. Cas matched it in intensity, their smiles glowing with radiant bliss.

           Sam cleared his throat, dragging their attention to him before the pull between them was too strong. “I’m glad you’re both home,” he said, glancing between the two, “the Bunker hasn’t been the same since you left…”

           Dean nudged Cas, chuckling. “That’s moose-talk for he wanted a few more days without us.”

           Glaring, Sam decided to not snag the bait. Instead, he asked them to share how the hunt went. They were tightlipped with the details over the phone, really only connecting with him through text. Sam’s digitization made accessing the Bunker’s resources much easier, but also took away any help he could offer.

           They told the story in halves, both of them interrupting the other at the oddest times with little facts and quips. It was hard to follow along at times, but Sam understood the gist of it.

           A shifter was targeting couples involved with a retreat program built to counsel married couples through communication problems. Sam snuck in a quick jab, wondering that if this hunt happened maybe years earlier things would have been different.

           “Yuck it up,” Dean scoffs, “But some of that shit was actually helpful… if you wanted to be some kind of new age freak in touch with your emotions.”

           “Anyway,” Cas course corrected, knocking shoulders with Dean, “we managed to sign up before the next session began so we could investigate.”

           “Turns out Cas asks questions better when he’s out of the Fed suit.”

           Sam stifles back a chuckle after Cas smacks Dean on the shoulder with a soft thwack. “At least I was asking questions. Half the time you were either on the beach or by the pool –“

           “It sucked enough that there was a shifter there, I was trying to make the most of our trip.”

           “We still managed to enjoy ourselves, after taking care of the monster…”

           Dean sighed, scratching at his neck. “Yeah that’s true.”

           Sam looked between the two, brow raised. “So, how did you take care of it?”

           The hunt barely lasted longer than three days, the extended time because Dean and Cas had trouble testing the staff with silver. Dean pouted, “Seriously, using the rings was a good start until you get called in to a session with a therapist about commitment and cheating.” He waggled his fingers, flashing the silver band towards him. Sam spied Cas’s hand resting on the table, wearing a similar ring.

           Cas smiled at Dean, eyes shining with warmth. “Although I did enjoy your very passionate defense when she assumed you took our marriage as seriously as a… what did she say? ‘Like a teen does his curfew’?”

           “She was bonkers,” Dean growled, “Just wanted to separate us, get us out of the way. Figured… since she was the shifter.”

           “She was?” Sam asked, “Did you gank her right then?”

           “We didn’t realize until later,” he said, “Much later.”

           Dean and Cas got into an argument after the meeting with the therapist. He was hurt and blowing off steam, and by doing that drew unwanted attention their way. “It didn’t matter what she or any of them thought,” Cas told them, “We were there for one thing –“

           “I didn’t take that well either,” Dean admitted, sheepishly darting his eyes back and forth between Cas and the table. “Stormed off to be alone for awhile… mainly sat by the surf and watched it tickle my toes.”

           “While I involved myself in the activities,” Cas said, “Until Dean came to apologize.”

           Sam eyes his friend, “That… sounds ominous.”

           Dean chuckled, “That’s because it wasn’t me.”

           The shifter decided to corner Cas on his way to the pottery lesson, dragging him away to a hidden alcove. Fake Dean took every measure to appear reticent, and quoted a lot of their history back at Cas. He shrugged at Sam. “She did her research.” Cas was ready to forgive Dean, waiting for him to take the first step. It was only when she suggested they seal their argument with some make-up sex did Cas figure out it wasn’t Dean.

           Sam rolled his eyes. It wasn’t the first time a monster read more into his brother’s relationship with their friend. And for once it played to their benefit. He shot off a quick prayer that Dean got used to those types of digs. Before, he would scowl for days and butch it up. Now any mention brought out a wry chuckle and a soft look. Sam couldn’t imagine his brother would have been okay faking a relationship with another man a decade ago. He’s really grown, becoming comfortable with his sexuality.

           “I stabbed her in the heart when she tried unbuttoning my pants,” Cas said.

           Dean leaned into him and smirked. “And that’s when I found them.”

           Sam spluttered. “You did?”

           “Oh yeah, was walking, working up the courage to see Cas and… let’s just say it didn’t make me feel better stumbling on that.”

           “You knew what it was, though,” Cas comforted him, hand disappearing under the table, “All the times I said I wanted to kill you meant nothing in that moment.”

           “Oh yeah that moment…”

           Sam watched them slip into another one of their moods. Where Dean stared at Cas, and vice versa. Nothing could pierce the veil created when both men communicated with only their eyes. When they started these, Sam felt left out. He wanted that closeness, where someone could know what he was feeling with a single glance. Through the years he got over it, though. What Dean and Cas shared couldn’t be replicated. Now all he felt was a fond annoyance. In the early years, he could count these special interactions with both hands. But then that number grew exponentially. After they got Cas back from the Empty, it rocketed near infinity. Sam knew why.

           Dean and Cas were best friends, the former angel an official Winchester brother. Losing him after Lucifer stabbed him was like cutting off a limb. The Empty, two limbs. In the ceremony freeing Cas from that void, Dean vowed to never let any power come between them. His conviction, a powerful magic in itself, forced the Empty into slumber. Not before it shrouded the two as the final words were spoken. They broke the curse hanging over them, and all it cost was Cas’s grace.

           “I don’t need it, not anymore,” he said, once they settled back in the Bunker, “Not when I have my family.”

           Sam cleared his throat, breaking their intense focus. Back for less than an hour, and he had his fill of them. He asked what happened for the rest of the hunt. “You wrapped it up so quickly… but you were there longer?”

           “Dude, we were in Florida,” Dean said, “Vacation.”

           “Seriously?”

           “Hell yeah,” his brother grinned, teeth sharp and white. “Do you know there are nude beaches in Florida –“

           “Gross, I don’t want to hear it –“

           “It’s just the human body, Sam.”

           “Whatever.”

           Dean turned to Cas. “I think he’s gotten his fill of us already.”

           “Then we might as well unpack,” Cas sighed, standing, “I’m feeling kind of ripe.” As he stood, Dean did as well; the reason being their joined hands, as Sam noticed. He gaped at them, unnoticed. “I’d kill for a shower right now.”

           “Well I hope not me,” Dean joked, leading them away.

           Before they could get too far, Sam found his voice. “Guys?” he yelped, voice cracking near the end. Dean and Cas glanced back, free hands hovering over their bags. “What are you… what’s going on?”

           “We’re heading to our room, Sam,” Dean said, “What else does it look like?” Whispering to Cas, he talked from the corner of his mouth. “Someone had his nose in the books too long…”

           “Our room?” Sam parroted, “What are…” In an instant his face shifted, smoothing out into a familiar expression. He set the tired lines of his bitch face to radiate the most annoyance with his brother’s actions. “Okay, I get it. Ha ha… good one.”

           “Okay, now you’re starting to freak me out,” Dean stepped closer worryingly, “Talk to me Sammy. Tell me what’s the matter.”

           “That shifter sure got you wrong,” Sam muttered, returning to his book, “You sure seem committed to this bit.”

           “What ‘bit’?”

           “Seriously, Dean, the case is over. You and Cas can drop the married act now.” He wanted to finish the chapter. It’s difficult when his brother and friend are glaring at him with righteous fury. If he didn’t already know Cas lost his powers, he’d be very concerned for his well-being. “What?”

           “Sam,” Cas started, “Dean and I are married.”

           The bombshell that dropped before him sounded suspiciously like his book slipping through his fingers. It was a contest, which would blink first him or them. Sam waited for the ringing in his ears stop before asking. “W-what?”

           All fight drained from Dean and Cas, each sneaking looks at each other before shooting Sam twin looks of concern. “Sam,” Dean tried, reaching a hand out, “are you okay –“

           “I should be asking you that,” Sam leapt to his feet, eyeing him for any clues. “Were you sure it was only a shifter. This isn’t like a spell or anything?” He dragged his fingers across Dean’s chest, as if a hex bag was taped there like a recording device.

           Dean bat his hands away. “Dude, the hell? No there weren’t any witches. Me and Cas are married.”

           “You’re serious?” Sam asked them, eyes wide, “You guys got married in Florida?”

           “No, Sam,” Cas said, “Dean and I have been married for a while… we celebrated our anniversary in Florida.”

           “…What?”

           “Yeah,” Dean continued, drawing Cas in closer, “One year. Why do you think we didn’t want anyone else coming with us?”

           “Because…because you didn’t need us for the hunt?”

           “When we went there was no hunt,” Dean sighed, “Except Winchester luck made it so we had ourselves a working vacation. You’re lucky we managed to salvage what was left so we weren’t coming back cranky. Although… ‘m not feeling too good now.”

           “Oh my God, you two… I can’t believe this…” Sam sank back down into his seat, tugging at his hair. “A… a year? How… When?”

           “You were there, Sam,” Cas said, “all of you were. Mary, Bobby… Jack, Claire, Jody, Donna and the girls… Chuck –“

           “Hold on,” Sam cut him off, “When we dragged your ass back from the Empty?”

           “Yeah,” Dean said, “Weren’t you listening when Chuck explained?”

           Sam blushed, finding his lap more interesting than the conversation. He remembered when Chuck showed them the parchment. On it was a way to rip Cas’s grace out and put it back into his body. He’d still be connected to the Empty, until the second part purified his body of any connection with the entity. And because of that, the Empty still had Cas’s wings, but his soul belonged to humanity. That’s all Sam thought he needed to know. He tuned Chuck out in favor of going over the scroll himself; confident he would understand it better that way. It was illegible, and Sam was too embarrassed to ask Chuck to clarify.

           “But,” Sam tried to save some of his dignity, “You two didn’t really change much. How was I supposed to know all of that was a… wedding ceremony?”

           Dean smirked, knocking heads with Cas. “We’re too old to act like animals, ripping our clothes off wherever. Didn’t need to, anyway. Me and Cas were always close… so there wasn’t that big a change. Just more options to express what was already there.”

           “Although it was me who stopped Dean from getting too frisky in public areas,” Cas sighed, “He didn’t care if you were to walk in on us.”

           “Should’ve let him. I bet there wouldn’t have been any confusion if he saw us –“

           “I don’t even want the mental image,” Sam said, face redder than before.

           His misery garnered a healthy chuckle from his brother. Dean wiped a tear from his eye, “Oh man, Sammy. How could you not notice for a year? You’re the one who’s always harping on the details. Oh – oh – and you even told me the next time I watch porn to wear headphones? Sam, I haven’t had the need to watch porn for so long you heard me and Cas going at it!”

           “Stop!” Sam cried, shoving his hands over his ears, “I’m going to murder you!”

           “Please, Sam, not my husband. Only I’m allowed to kill him,” Cas said blandly. His eyes feigned boredom but there was a smirk curling across his face.

           “I can’t have been the only one who didn’t know.”

           “Know what?” Jack asked, stepping into the room; his frown at Sam’s posture immediately transformed into a smile when noticing Dean and Cas. “Hey! When did you two get back?”

           Dean waved his question away, instead asking one of his own. “Jack, me and Cas? What are we?”

           “…My dads?”

           “No,” he sighed, flashing his hand at him. “What do these rings signify?”

           “Oh! That you and Cas are married!”

           Sam paled at the answer, Dean’s boastful grin leeching the color from him. “You knew?”

           “Of course, Sam,” Jack said, “It was their one year anniversary.”

           “This isn’t making any sense,” Sam muttered to himself, “Why didn’t I…”

           “Mom was in tears for days, Sam. And you thought Claire was joking when she called me dad? Christ, Chuck gave me his blessing and officiated. Even Amara sent a gift, and it wasn’t dad rising from the grave.” He heard Dean swallow, and then a hand on his shoulder. Sam looked up into his brother’s eyes, any and all mirth gone. “You, uh… you’re okay that me and Cas… that we’re…”

           Sam bit back a curse, hating himself for how he was acting. “Of course, Dean. It was… I was shocked is all. I mean… one whole year? And I didn’t even know, didn’t congratulate either of you…”

           “I thought you did, for what it’s worth,” Dean said, “‘You look happy, Dean. How does it feel to have a no-strings attached win?’” Those were the exact words Sam said to him after the Empty’s tentacles slithered away. A tear hangs precariously from the corner of Sam’s eyes.

           “I meant it,” Sam nodded, “Especially now that I know you and Cas are married. Are in love.” The words sat right on Sam’s tongue. Thinking back, he wasn’t sure how he kept the blindfolds on for so long. Love was the only explanation for the way Dean and Cas looked at each other. For how Cas always has a cup of coffee for Dean ready when he wakes up. For Dean buying books for Cas whenever they head out on hunts, the former angel’s collection already taking up one shelf in the Library. Sam swiped at his eyes, launching himself forward to crush Dean into a hug. “You deserve this, Dean.” Dean muttered something under breath, tugging Cas over with their still joined hands. He opens his vice-like grip long enough to crush the other man in, too. “So do you, Cas.”

           “All right, all right,” Dean freed himself, fighting the sweet smile unfurling, “That was enough of a chick-flick moment for today.”

           Cas nodded. “Dean is all chick-flicked out. We spent last night marathoning Bridget Jones after I lost the coin flip.”

           “Cas,” Dean whined, “You’re my husband. You took a vow to always be on my side.”

           “I made no such promise,” Cas chuckled, twining his arms around Dean’s neck, “All I committed to was loving you,” he pecked at Dean’s lips, “cherishing you,” again, “and honoring you,” and again, “until I take my last breath. Nowhere in there did I ‘vow’ to never make fun of you.”

           “You’re an ass.”

           “Yes, but I’m your ass.”

           Sam and Jack exchanged amused glances. “All right,” Sam cut them off before they bickered some more, “We get it. You’re together. You don’t have to prove it anymore.”

           “This?” Dean asked, “This ain’t proof. You want proof you can watch us have sex.”

           Sam frowned, scrunching his nose up in disgust. “Yuck. I told you Dean, I didn’t want the image of you sticking it to Cas.”

           Dean stepped backwards, mouth nearly cracking in half by how wide his grin is. “Other way around, moose brains.” He winked, delighting in the stuttered outrage from his brother.

           “Really?!?”

           “Of course, Sam,” Cas said, Dean already disappearing down the hallway, “How do you think I knew it wasn’t the real Dean?” The pointed stare brought the flush back onto his cheeks. Cas blipped out of sight after that, his and Dean’s laughter both mocking and comforting.

           Sam shook his head, the smile still in place on his face. “You two… made for each other.” He enjoyed his alone time, but always made time for his family. He always will. Things may change, can end or begin anew, but family will be eternal.

[profoundnet]

Thank you to all these amazing people for participating in the Profound Bond’s Fairy Tale Exchange 2019! I hope everyone enjoyed their amazing gifts. The next round opens up soon, so keep an eye open on that! And special thanks to @foxymoley​ for creating this beautiful banner for us!!! 

If you’d like to join the exchange, then head on over and join our discord! Information can be found on the wiki which you can access here.

List of creations below the cut.

A Kissing Story by @nickelkeep​ for morrigan (eliza_sugarcane)

Dean is nursing a cold and because he wants to make sure his immune system stays up to snuff, he refuses to let Cas heal him. Cas plays along and heals him in the old fashion way. With Orange Juice, Chicken Noodle Soup... and a Bedtime Story?

General Rating

Tags: Fairy Tale Retelling,  Domestic Fluff, Established Destiel, Story within a Story, The Princess Bride References

Pearl Diving and Other Magical Acts by @drawlight​ for JessJessTheBest

There are no such things as fairytales. Except maybe the one about the angel with the human heart. How does it go? Oh yes, that's right, Once Upon A Time.

Teen Rating

Tags: Soulmates, True Love, Pining, Fairytale Elements, The Snow Queen Elements

Turning Pages by @tobythewise​ for saltnhalo

When Dean and Castiel find themselves thrust into the pages of a storybook, Dean has flashbacks of Gabriel's tricks. He assumes that if he can go through with how the story is supposed to be told, he can navigate himself back out. But can he really go through with what the Book expects him to do? OR The one where Dean attempts to be Prince Charming five times and fails and the one time Castiel succeeds.

General Rating

Tags: Canon Divergent, True Love's kiss, Fairytale elements, Crack treated Seriously

I Found by @unholy-wine​ for Jess [thatpeculiarone]

On the day his new neighbor moves in, Dean finds a plant on the sidewalk in front of his house. Perhaps it’s generous to call it a plant: it’s small, and doesn’t seem like it has much of a life left without interference. He hesitates. Maybe the plant is his neighbor's. He should go ask.

Teen Rating

Tags: Fluff, Witch!Cas

With Conviction by @profound-boning​ for iCeDreams

Once upon a time, a simple encounter changes the course of two boys’ lives forever. It all begins at the market.

General Rating

Tags: No warnings apply, historical au, royalty au, fantasy au, alternating POVs, love at first sight, happy ending

The Hunter and the Angel by @a-insominia​ for snarkysnartes

The monsters are still around, but so is the angel. And on the darkest of nights when your blood could freeze, when you hear a creak on the floorboard, see a shadow at the window, hear a whisper on the wind - that's when he comes, fulfilling a promise he made to the hunter.

Teen Rating

Tags: Major Character Death, Post-Canon, Heavy Angst, Post-Canon, References to Canon, Winchesters in Heaven, Future Fic

The Happiest Place on Earth by thatpeculiarone for robotsnchicks 

Somehow Team Free Will 2.0 end up in Florida and somehow, they end up in Disney World. Dean finds himself in a land of fairy tales and make believe but is ultimately prepared for a day of nightmares. Yet, it turns out Disney World has a lot of surprises.

Teen Rating

Tags: Disney World, First Kiss, Canon Universe, Dean's Fear of Heights

Aladdean by @alessariel​ for profound-boning

There’s no nice way to put it: Dean’s a thief (among other unsavory things). But no matter what the palace guard claims, Dean only steals what he and his brother need to survive. Down on his luck and starving, Dean is approached by a strange man offering him the chance of a lifetime. It’s supposed to be an easy job. What could possibly go wrong? *** After the storm summoned by his rage and desperation had died down, Castiel collapsed on the smooth metallic floor. Castiel‘s mind wandered back to the one thing occupying it since he’d found himself imprisoned here once more. For an ageless being of insurmountable powers it was kind of pathetic how he couldn‘t stop thinking about one lowly, inconsequential human. Only Dean was anything but low or inconsequential, at least to Castiel.

Mature Rating

Tags: Fairytale Fusion, Angst, First Kiss, Wingfic, Djinn!Cas, Mentions of Prostitution, Desperate Dean, no smut, minor Charlie/Meg

Kiss Me Like One Of Your French Frogs by @nox-lee​ for sunny/blueeyesandpie

When a routine hunt goes sideways, Cas is hit with a curse and turned into a frog. Sam and Dean hit the books to find a cure, and Dean finds more than he bargained for.

Teen Rating

Tags: canon universe, fairy tale curses, animal transformation, true love's kiss

(Pillowfort)

Disappear in the Trees by @wildsofourhearts​ for MalMuses

In a library that once entered, can't be exited, Castiel, against his will, works as the lone librarian, doing his best to make the people who wander inside comfortable in their final moments. Forced to weave human lives into storybooks for the library to devour, he hasn't seen the outside world in decades. Enter Dean Winchester. Can the chains of the library hold Castiel with another, more profound, bond forming between he and Dean?

Teen Rating

Tags: Hunter Dean Winchester, Librarian Castiel, Dark Fairy Tale Elements, Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Falling in Love, Hurt Castiel, Protective Dean Winchester

Under the Red Hood by iCeDreams for noxlee

Do not go into the woods, do not go when the moon is full and the wolf howls, hiding in the thicket. Having been under Wolf’s Night for more than ten generations, Dean trained under the Order of the Hunters to slay the wolf that has been taking the children from Chesterford. Donning his red hood, he seeks out this monster to make Silver Ash safe again.

Teen Rating

Tags: Injured Dean Winchester, Mentor/Protégé, Snarky Castiel, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Red Riding Hood,

(Fanfiction.Net)

Of Bears and Dinosaurs by @elizasugarcane​ for canadduh 

Dean sometimes wonders what he did to deserve this.

Teen Rating

Tags: Fluff, parent cas, bedtime story, cute

You Broke Up With Me by turningthepages for Pimmy

"Fairytales ain’t real and if they were I wouldn’t wanna have that shit. I mean who’s that happy all the damn time? If you always have sunshine coming outta your ass then where’s the passion?"

Mature Rating

Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Friends to Lovers

What All Fairy Tales Have in Common by @blueeyesandpie​ for Insominia

Dean is struck by a sleeping curse, and there doesn't appear to be a cure...

Teen Rating

Tags: Fairytale elements, Sleeping Beauty, angst with a happy ending, canon compliant, Sam feels guilty when he shouldn't

i'm where i'm meant to be by @hanneswrites for usarechan

DeanCas Tangled AU || Fluff Dean has been crushing on Cas since they first met, their feelings come to a head during the yearly Lantern Celebration (from Tangled).

General Rating

Tags: Shipper Sam, Oblivious Dean, Alternate Universe - Tangled (2010), First Kiss, Getting Together

Old Tales Made New by @malmuses for sternchencas

Cas enjoyed a quiet, pleasant life. A little lonely in the love department, perhaps, but he had a pleasant rhythm to his days thanks to running his basement bookstore, Subtext. His days got a pleasant little shake-up when a hurricane blew a fantastically beautiful book-lover into his store; Unfortunately, Dean wasn't from Sioux Falls, and Cas wasn't sure if he was interested in any more than a dry place to pass the time. Obviously, Cas didn't pine. He was far too sensible for that. Or so he told himself.

Teen Rating

Tags: Alternate Universe - Bookstore, Bookstore Owner Castiel, Mechanic Dean Winchester, Mutual Pining, Epistolary, POV Castiel, First Kiss, Awkward Flirting, Castiel recites Shakespeare

Shifting Stories by @malmuses for turningthepages

Gabriel had seen a lot of pining in his time. Over the slow passing of millennia, he’d observed some of the world’s greatest love stories. Antony and Cleopatra. Orpheus and Eurydice. Mary and Joseph, not to toot his own horn. But these two… these two might be the death of him... Gabriel had only been in the bunker three days, but he was already totally done watching Dean and Cas dance around each other, awkwardly no-homoing their way through life. So, he came to a decision. He was going to make them fake it. He might have been a little low on grace, but pocket dimensions and reality manipulation? Child's play, for him! Time for some new roles for Dean and Cas, in their very own fairytales. "Changing Channels" but with fairytales. Or, when Gabriel gets fed up and forces the hunter and the angel to play at getting together... repeatedly.

Teen Rating

Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Inspired by Changing Channels, Fake/Pretend Relationship (or kind of), Dean Winchester Needs to Use Actual Words, Friends to Lovers, Gabriel Ex Machina, Miscommunication

Groundhogs in Sweaters by @saywhatjessie for unholywine (floor)

“You ever think about what our lives would be like if the monsters looked like how they were supposed to?” Or Dean muses over what life could be like and Cas is too cute for words about it.

General Rating

Tags: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Castiel (Supernatural), Canon verse,  fairytales - Freeform Profound Bond Gift Exchange, Crack

[caranfindel]

Recap/review 14.06: “Optimism”

THEN: Starts out pretty ominous, with clock-ticky music, Jack's grace getting sucked out, "this is the end of everything," and Jack considering himself useless. We're reminded that New Charlie exists (aw, Dean looked so pretty in AU Land) and Jack has "the mind of a hunter." Michael hurting people and Dean feels guilty (aw, Sam's Beard of Despair, how I miss you). Sounds like we're in for a real downer of an episode, friends.

NOW: Nebraska. Happy music. A cheerful librarian opens up shop, and she's cute as can be but I wore that blouse in the 80s and it needs to stay there (JUST SAY NO TO THE RUFFLED YOKE, LADIES). Her name is Harper, and she has a kind-of-date with a guy named Winston tonight, though she is clearly Not Into You, Winston. An (apparent) coworker named Miles hears her "scream" and comes to her aid, brandishing a stapler, and is reminded that he needs to mind his own business. Winston leaves, clearly walking on air, and then STAYIN' ALIVE STARTS PLAYING and we focus on Winston's feet just like the iconic opening scene of Saturday Night Fever (if you're too young to remember, watch this, IT'S IMPORTANT CULTURAL KNOWLEDGE and there WILL BE A QUIZ LATER) and y'all don't even know how much I love this song. YOU DON'T KNOW. I can't help it. My mom was a huge Bee Gees fan, partially because she was very into Barry Gibb.

Coincidence?

What can I say? I am my mother's child.

Now, where were we?

(Pretty much where we always are, so could you please just move this along?)

Sorry for the digression. Anyway. Now I suspect this isn't going to be a downer episode after all. (Turns out it was directed by Richard Speight, which would have been a clue if I'd known that earlier, bless him.) While I've been digressing, Winston has happily bopped down the street, only to have a hand cover his mouth and drag him off-screen. There's a record scratch and a squirt of dark goo and a scream, so I guess it did turn out to be a downer for Winston, but not for me.

Title card!

{Sidebar: I didn't realize Saturday Night Fever was directed by John Badham, who went on to direct several episodes of Supernatural.}

Jack's drinking coffee in the bunker. He takes a sip and then pours a huge amount of sugar into it, which immediately makes me think of this scene from The Fly when Jeff Goldblum, who does not yet realize that he is turning into a fly, does the same thing.

(Spoiler alert: Ahem.)

Dean walks in and asks what he's doing, and Jack explains that everything tastes different without his powers, and he can't get the coffee to taste the way he likes it. That's because coffee is nasty, Jack. (And also, thanks to the Continuity Fairy for remembering that food tasted different to Cas when he didn't have grace.) Dean asks if Jack has seen Sam, because that's what Dean does; he probably walked in the door and felt a disturbance in the Force and realized he didn't know where Sam was. From Jack, we learn that (1) Dean went on an overnight run to Mobby's love shack cabin and (b) Sam went on a hunt with Charlie without telling Dean. Is Dean okay with this? Are we gonna okay with this? Couldn't he have at least sent a text message? He's supposed to be setting an example!

"Explain to me again how you just let Sam LEAVE."

I guess Sam had to go himself, rather than send someone else, because this is one of those times when there's no random hunters in the bunker. (And where's Rowena? Did Charlie abandon her in the Southwest? Did they have a fight?) Jack imagines Sam and Charlie are doing something "really exciting."

Cut to Sam and Charlie sitting quietly in a truck outside Memphis, bored out of their minds. Hee! It's the kind of crappy old truck I always want Sam to drive, so I love it. They're staring at a bus stop with an ad for Pete the Pestinator, who seems to be an insect exterminator. (Spoiler alert: ahem again.) Sam confirms that "this is where all those people went missing," although if he's been sitting in that truck long enough to be bored, he really should have nailed that down by now. Charlie says "yep." More silent sitting.

Back to the bunker. Dean seems surprised that Sam left Jack there alone (where's Cas?) and Jack says "Sam wanted someone around when you came back. He's worried about you."

"Yeah, that sounds like him," Dean grumbles, and hello, kettle, the pot just called, and said you're black. Jack offers some encouragement, telling him no one blames him for Michael, and Dean says "Cool. Well, I blame me, so." His self-flagellation is interrupted by Jack's Cough of Great Concern. "Maybe I'm allergic to sitting around doing nothing," Jack snarks.

Dean sits down for a heart-to-heart, and Jack says he's been hunting with Cas and wants to do more. Dean says "No offense, Cas is an insurance policy on those hunts." Jack looks hurt. I don't understand this at all. Why wouldn't Jack already know that Cas is there to protect him? And why would this hurt his feelings? I'm so confused. But I immediately forget it, because Dean says "Sam's just trying to keep you safe, okay? He's a smart guy." AND THEN WE CUT TO THIS.

Bless you, Richard Speight, writer Steve Yockey, bless you both.

I literally did burst out laughing at Sam and his fidget spinner. Charlie is not amused, and Sam puts his toy away with some embarrassment.

Bunker. Jack's found a report on our dead friend Winston, who seemed to have human bitemarks taken out of his corpse. And others have gone missing in the area. We skip part of a conversation, but whatever it was, Dean says Sam won't like it. "Sam's not here," says Jack. Oh, no you don't, Jack. Don't you go ignoring the Chief's directives just because he's not here. Dean says he'll go check it out alone, but Jack suddenly remembers Sam's Law and reminds Dean about the Buddy System.

We can be hunting buddies!

Okay, uh, (a), don't call it that, and (b), YOU'RE gonna back ME up?

Oh, Dean. You didn't do the (1) and (b) thing that I love so much. Jack gets to be the one to bare a little bit of his soul now, telling Dean that he also feels guilty about Michael, because he could have killed him but he was "distracted and stupid." He doesn't want to sit around feeling guilty all day, he wants to hunt.

Looks like that was the right button to push, because we cut to Sam on the phone, clearly not a fan of the plan and telling Dean to be careful. I assume his reluctance is because he doesn't trust Jack to watch Dean's back. But Sam, if you can trust Maggie to hunt alone, you can trust Dean with a novice backup. (I know, I know, Dean is more important than Maggie.)

Sam asks again if Charlie is sure this is the right place, and she says it's where four people disappeared. And while she was scouting around, she found a mason jar full of goo. Is this the same goo we saw when Winston was killed? (Spoiler alert: no.) And now she's trying to figure out what they're hunting, so she's reading. I'd have done my reading before the stakeout, but that's just me. (I'd also have done some reading instead of sitting there glaring at Sam while he enjoyed his fidget spinner, but that's also just me.)

(I also might have thought of more interesting things to do while I was stuck in a car with Sam, but they would have interfered with the stakeout. And they aren't anything Charlie would have been interested in anyway.)

Cut to Dick's Red Rooster Diner (ha ha, I see you, Speight). According to Winston's obituary, he had breakfast here every morning. Jack agrees with me that it's an odd thing to put in an obituary, but Dean says that when someone dies young, you don't know what to put in those things. (Oh, think of 20-something Dean's obituary.) He introduces them to the waitress as Agents Berry and Charles, and the only thing I can think of is Chuck Berry, so if someone has a better idea, let me know. He asks for details about Winston, and the only detail she can provide is that he's dead. Jack dutifully writes that detail in his little notebook. (BLESS.)

This waitress is wonderfully snippy, knows her rights, and isn't the least bit interested in talking to these FBI agents, but when Dean hands her some cash she changes her mind. She says they should should be more interested in Harper, who Winston just started "courting," and Jack is confused.

What's courting?

It's what you do before you start dating.

Ah, and that's the thing you do before the sex.

Sometimes you just have the sex.

Okay, Dean's wrong, courting is what you do instead of dating, but this is still a wonderful exchange. And the next part is wonderful too, cutting between the waitress and some customers explaining that Harper was popular in high school, but her boyfriend ran off, and now all these men connected to her have died, and she's really into romance books, and ending on I've heard too much Dean and I'm confused Jack.

Love this.

Back at the stakeout, Sam's biting his nails, which I also love for some reason, and of course the only time we've ever seen him bite his nails was when he was worried about Dean. New Charlie picks right up on it. She tells him Dean will be fine, and comments that he's got other friends, right? Which I don't understand, because it doesn't matter what other friends he has, he's not hunting with them. He's hunting with Jack. "He used to have a pretty damn good wingman," Sam says, and I think no, Sam, what are you saying, he still has you. She says he should call "that guy" to check on him, and Sam says "that guy was you." Charlie gives him a look. "No, it wasn't." And she's right, Sam. SHE IS NOT YOUR CHARLIE. And also, was Charlie ever really Dean's wingman? I don't think so. Sam, of course. Cas, literal wingman. But not Charlie. Charlie was the little sister.

Sam apologizes, and then says "I'm just saying, I'm not surprised you survived the apocalypse." Which isn't what you were saying at all, Sam. Charlie is surprised she survived, because she was just a programmer at Richard Roman Enterprises (Dick Roman! I wonder what happened to your AU version), living with the love of her life, Cara. My heart skipped a beat because I was so ready, guys, for the love of Charlie's life to be Dr. Cara Roberts from Sex and Violence, but apparently not. {Sidebar fic prompt: Sam. Charlie. Dr. Cara. Three-way.) Charlie's Cara was a baker. Charlie tells a sad story about waiting for help that never came, and Cara eventually being killed by people, not angels. Society falls apart. (Or, as Dean once said, demons I get; people are crazy.) Sam insists society isn't falling apart here, and Charlie says "not yet."

Just like last week, we're getting some needed differentiation between the characters we lost and their AU counterparts, which I appreciate.

I also appreciate pretty, attentive, sympathetic Sam.

Diner. Dean calls Jack "Mighty Mouse," for some reason, and congratulations him on finding a case. He tries to teach him about the importance of pie, but Jack's more interested in courting. He's never been exposed to off-screen romance, unless Gabriel and Rowena counts (Dean assures him it doesn't, but how would Jack have been exposed to Gabriel/Rowena anyway, since it happened while he was in AU Land and Gabriel didn't make it back?) Dean promises he'll give him The Talk when they get back, but right now they need to concentrate on finding Harper. {Sidebar fic prompt: Dean's and Sam's versions of The Talk. Would Dean's be like Dean's speech from Rock and a Hard Place?} Jack speculates she might not be human, and Dean says they're going to find out, and it's going to work like a romance novel. Hmm!

Cut to the library, where Harper is working. Dean enters and identifies himself as FBI, with questions about Winston. She doesn't want to talk, and he pushes. Then Jack shows up, asking for a book about the area's history, and defends her against the big mean FBI guy. Dean says "why don't you back off, kid" and Jack responds "No, you back off, old man" and DEAN'S FACE. This was clearly NOT IN THE SCRIPT. I love it. Dean slinks off, dejected, to examine his gracefully-aging face in the rear-view mirror. {Sidebar: I honestly think Jensen is aging a lot better than Dean is. Dean looks tired a lot of the time, and I'd like to believe Show is doing that on purpose, but I don't think it's the case. Jensen always looks awesome.} Harper is delighted, and apparently smitten, judging by the music. Jack introduces himself as "Jack Smith" and she invites him to her apartment, where she has the perfect book.

Why does this library have those convenience store perp measurements at the door? Does it get robbed a lot? Also, how many episodes have signs in the background with the title of a different episode? Not very many, I'm guessing.

As they leave, Miles the Stapler Guy follows and asks where she's going. It must be close to closing time, because Harper says she'll come back and lock up. Miles, who's carrying a bag of trash, refuses to shake Jack's hand. As Jack and Harper go one way, he stomps off in the other direction. I'm suspicious, and so is Dean, who gets out of the car to follow him. As Miles puts the library's trash in an inappropriately small residential bin, he hears a noise. We then cut to Dean, who hears Miles scream but just keeps walking? But then a trash can is knocked over and that gets his attention. He finds Miles dead, and we get a monster POV shot watching him.

Stakeout. Charlie's still reading. Apparently she brought all the books. She says she hates hunting, which surprises Sam, because she's so good at it. She points out that she's good at it because the alternative was death. "I mean, no offense, but who wants to be a hunter? This job, just a lot of tears and death."

Sam says "you said something like that to me once, long ago, about hunting." He quickly apologizes for once again conflating her with Our Charlie. At first I was annoyed at him, but then I started thinking about how awful Our Charlie's death was for him, with the MoC, and the fear, and the worry, and the guilt, and his brother saying he should be the one on the funeral pyre instead, and you know what? I'm gonna cut him some slack for trying to forget all of that ever happened. A lot of slack, in fact.

Charlie casually drops that she's glad this is her last hunt. Did you give the Chief your two week's notice, Charlie? I DON'T THINK SO. She plans to get away from monsters and people, and "live on a mountaintop or something... as long as there's good wifi." I'm sure Sam can get you set up with his magical wifi, Charlie, if you stay on his good side.

Harper's apartment. She seems to be all about love, with a decorative "amore" sign in the kitchen and a big red heart hanging on the wall. She suddenly realizes it's weird that she brought him to her apartment, though she's thinking "putting the moves on you" weird and I'm thinking "inviting a potential serial killer into your home" weird. But maybe I listen to too much My Favorite Murder.

She leaves the room to get the book (odd that it's not on the stuffed bookshelves in her living room, but they're all full of romance novels). Jack asks why the FBI was "hassling" her, and she tells him about Winston's death as he surreptitiously puts a silver coin on the floor and splashes holy water all over his hands. A call comes from Dean, but he ignores it. When she comes back with the book, she notices the coin on the floor and picks it up. She touches his hand when she gives him the coin and notices that it's wet. I would have put the holy water on the coin, although a wet coin on the floor might be as weird as wet hands. He just laughs weirdly and then does a fake cough AND SAYS CHRISTO. SOMEONE FINALLY REMEMBERED CHRISTO. Oh, my heart. I've been waiting 13 years for this moment. She doesn't react to it, so she seems pretty human. He says he's nervous, so she sits on the couch and pats the seat next to her.

Stakeout. Charlie has found something in the books called a Musca. Sam already knows it's a man-fly hybrid (IT'S THE FLY; OUR MONSTER IS JEFF GOLDBLUM) and that no one's seen them, so if they do exist, they keep to themselves. She's impressed with his Sammy smarts. He says he's read all the books, but if he'd read this one, he'd know that every few hundred years a male Musca can't find a mate and he "abandons his community and starts using people's bodies to nest, binding them together with a viscous goo." Ew.

As they walk, in the background we see a figure approaching the two women who are sitting on the bus stop bench. It's clothed in black, carrying a black briefcase, and it has a giant head. At first I think it's literally a giant fly's head. But when Charlie notices it, we get a closer look, and it's a large black hood, like a beekeeper's outfit. It sits down and then casually scoots closer to the women, who scoot away, and it's hilarious.

Harper's apartment. She asks Jack where he's from, and he tells her he lives in Lebanon, Kansas. NO, JACK. DON'T TELL ANYONE WHERE YOU LIVE. Jack coughs some more and then notices a picture of Harper with her boyfriend, Vance. She says he left town after high school because he wanted to see the world, and Jack seems astonished that anyone would leave her. And that was when her bad luck started, but she tries to stay optimistic. "Me too," Jack says. "I had some not-so-great stuff happen in my past. Trying to be positive... it can be hard." Oh, Jack, sweetie. They gaze into each other's eyes and it looks like they're going to kiss. Jack's phone buzzes with a text from Dean that says CALL ME NOW.

Jack? Do you believe in love at first sight?

Do you... (music swells)... mind if I use the bathroom?

Ha!

Jack hides in the bathroom to call Dean. He tells him Harper isn't a monster, and he thinks she's in love with him. Although Dean's sure that's not the case, Jack says "but if she is, I need to know everything about sex. Go." Ha again! Dean tells him about Miles's death, which makes Jack wonder if she's cursed. Dean says it's more like all the guys around her are cursed. "Like me," Jack ponders, just before we get another monster POV shot and a strangled shout from Dean. The phone goes dead.

Jack comes back into the living room and Harper asks if he's okay and if he wants to go for coffee. Then the door bursts open and Dean comes in, and I wonder why she's freaking out until I remember that Dean is Bad FBI Guy to her. He quickly blocks the door and tell her they're here to save her from... whatever it is that's suddenly growling and banging on her door. "At first I thought it was a ghost," he says, "but then it punched me in the face." She's freaked out about a ghost, but Jack reassuringly (NOT!) tells her that he's saying it's NOT a ghost. Dean recognizes a photo and it turns out the monster is her old boyfriend Vance, who she didn't even realize was dead.

For some reason Dean isn't carrying a lot of weapons, but he has a silver knife and finds a silver letter opener on Harper's desk. Silver will slow it down, he tells them, but there's only one way to kill the undead boyfriend. Vance breaks the door down before we learn what that is. Dean starts fighting with the silver knife and tells Jack to get Harper out of there.

Stakeout. It's nighttime now. A lone man sits at the bus stop as Sam tries to convince Charlie that she can't drop out of society. She needs people, and also, it's hard to walk away from being a hunter. "I tried. Our Charlie tried." You know, for someone who did want out of hunting, and did try to get out of it, Sam spends a lot of time convincing others to do it, or at least enabling them. I mean, Dean was all "Patience, if you can live a normal life, do it," and Sam was all "well, Claire, if you're gonna hunt, I guess I should show you how to hack." Although that (and teaching Ghoul!Adam to shoot) was more about protecting someone determined/forced to be a hunter than recruiting. So maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Anyway, if anyone recognized the futility of getting out of the life, it would be him.

Jeff Goldblum shows up again and sits by his next victim. Charlie wants to go for the kill, but Sam thinks they should wait for him to make his move, in case he's just into weird fashion. Look, Sam, if a guy likes wearing a black beekeeper's bonnet and sidling up to random strangers at bus stops, he deserves to be hunted, whether or not he's actually part bee. When the bus shows up, it blocks their view of the duo. When it leaves, the bench is empty. Which could mean they just got on the bus, but we see something disappearing behind the stop. Sam decides it's a go after all.

Let's stick with this story, rather than cutting back and forth between them like the show did.

Sam and Charlie find a door with a bunch of goo on the handle. Sam says Charlie found something in the books that theorized a brass nail dripped in sugar water would kill a musca. Because yes, of course sugar water, WHICH FLIES EAT, would kill a fly man. (Rolls my eyes at this otherwise delightful episode.) Charlie reminds him they have neither of those things. "So we get creative," Sam says. I'm expecting some kind of MacGuyvering involving a can of Coke, or Sam's sugary coffee. (Spoiler alert: I'm wrong.)

{Sidebar: Why are all the methods of killing monsters so weirdly specific? Chopping off the head should kill ANYTHING.}

They go through the door, which surprisingly leads them into an abandoned warehouse. It's full of flies (normal ones, not half-man flies) and smells like pine cleaner and rotting meat. Yum. Eventually Sam finds the briefcase, which is full of what looks like candy wrappers and also has a white cloth, which he sniffs to discover chloroform. Dude. Don't sniff the chloroform rag. Charlie finds the most recent victim, still alive, by a pile of bodies. Something grabs Charlie's hand. She pulls loose, but falls off a low platform (seriously, it's like two feet high) and... loses consciousness? Okay. Maybe he chloroformed her and I missed it. I'm old and decrepit and this would have barely bruised me. He must have chloroformed her.

Sam tries to wake her up, but is interrupted by the WORST MONSTER COSTUME EVER. Oh god, you guys, this fly man head is so bad. SO BAD.

{Sidebar: Did you know that you don't see much of the shark in Jaws because the model was so bad, Steven Spielberg decided he wanted to shoot it as little as possible? And it actually made the movie better because the unseen monster was so much scarier? Just saying, Speight.}

(Um, have you watched any movies that were made before 1980?)

Well, that was uncalled for.

Jeff Goldblum attacks Sam and gets goo on him, and if this were really a fly, wouldn't that goo be digesting him? Isn't that how flies eat? (Why yes, it is.) Charlie regains consciousness and stabs it with something, which gets it off Sam long enough for him to shoot it in the head. Creativity in action! So, I guess I got my wish. Interesting that, just like last week, the guys figured out that there are actions that will kill anything.

Aftermath! Charlie and Sam are driving, and Sam says he feels bad for the Musca, which could have been happy if it had stayed home with its people. Subtle, Sam. Charlie's all, yeah, okay, I'm like the bug, except not so much. As we see the Musca family coming to retrieve their brother's body, Sam asks Charlie not to leave. "If we help people, then maybe they'll help people, and all that, and that's worth it. Even with all the tears and death, it's worth it." Oh, Sammy. {sniff} She says she'll think about it.

Back to Jack and Harper. It was broad daylight when they got to her apartment, so I don't know why it's nighttime now. How long did he spend in the bathroom? No wonder she asked if he was okay. Cut to Dean gleefully fighting the zombie, who suddenly stops fighting and runs off.

Jack and Harper run to the library, where she struggles with the keys until Jack remembers she left without locking the door. They scurry inside and he locks it. As they hide behind the counter, they see Zombie Vance run by. Jack tells her not to worry, because he locked the door, and she asks if he flipped the switch under the lock? Obviously he didn't, and she goes to do it herself. As she stands, looking out the door, Vance shows up. She unlocks the door, which Jack obviously DID lock, and opens it. He hands her the history book - I guess Jack dropped it - and they kiss.

Um. whoops. Vance is actually still Harper's boyfriend. And he has to eat human flesh. Like, Jack's, for example. Vance lunges for Jack, who hides in the stacks as Harper gives him the villain dialogue over the library's PA system. She likes Jack, but he's obviously a hunter, and she comes from a long line of necromancers, so it would never work out between them. She killed Vance to keep him from leaving after high school, and killing every other guy in her sights is just a fun little romantic roleplay for them. We get a little scare when a hand appears on Jack's shoulder (been a lot of that going around lately), but it's Dean. He tells Jack they have to get Vance back into his grave and then drive a stake into his heart to keep him there. And they're going to convince him using another romance novel method.

Jack tells her he wants to do things Vance can't do - walk her down the aisle, raise a family. This draws Vance out, who lunges at him but finds himself facing Dean. Vance gets Dean against a wall, and Harper calls out to him. Dean thinks she's going to call him off, but she says "Baby, kill him!" and Dean's "huh" look is precious to me. Instead, Dean slaps a handcuff on his arm and cuffs him to a pole or something. Jack cuffs his other arm to a library cart, I think, which is mobile and therefore defeats the purpose of cuffing, but good try, Jack. The cuffs burn Vance, so they're silver or enchanted or something. Seems like a successful hunt, but when the guys look up, the door is open and Harper is gone.

Later we see Harper and her suitcase at a cafe, writing a letter to Jack. So she had time to go home and pack a suitcase, and Dean and Jack didn't go to her apartment and look for her? Guys. Come on. She's sorry she's going to have to kill Jack, but it means she can bring him back to life and they'll be together forever. See you soon, she writes, sealing the envelope addressed to Jack Smith, c/o the Lebanon, Kansas post office. I TOLD YOU NOT TO LET HER KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, JACK. Is Harper going to be a Big Bad this season? Or maybe a Little Bad? I wouldn't mind seeing her again. She's a charming little villain.

Finally, Jack's drinking coffee again, probably with a lot of sugar, in the bunker. This scene, with them facing each other, is a nice callback to the beginning of the episode. Dean tells Jack he did good, and Jack pushes for more hunts, because he was right. It's not about being right, Dean tells him, it's about what you do after you're wrong, after you've made a mistake. And about not beating yourself up, Jack points out. Dean tells him he's pretty smart, and Jack smiles and coughs and Dean promises to talk about getting him on more hunts when Sam gets back (BECAUSE SAM IS THE ONE TO ASK, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT) and Jack lies about being fine and then coughs some more and shows Dean his bloody palm and collapses on the floor with blood oozing from his mouth and nose and WELL. THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY.

And the episode ends, without Sam and Dean sharing a single scene. Has that happened before? It's unsettling. I like the ep, though. I liked the relationship focus - Sam bonding with New Charlie, Dean bonding with Jack. I liked the humor. I liked that Sam wasn't ignored, even though the brothers had separate storylines. I liked the continuation of things that have been happening this season, the gentle reminder (but not constant siren) of Dean's guilty feelings and Sam's leadership and Jack's issues. And, of course, CHRISTO!

And there was one weird thing I noticed on first watch, but it didn't jump out at me on rewatch so I don't remember when it happened... Dean said "Son of a B." This is the second episode where they said something weird instead of bitch. What's going on there? Is Dean never going to say "son of a bitch" again? Because that's not good.

What did you guys think? And please help me stay unspoiled; thanks!

[nellie-elizabeth]

Supernatural: Prophet and Loss (14x12)

It's frustrating that we're wasting time on Nick, but I will admit that the pandering and the angst totally worked for me and I got all weepy. I'm easily manipulated.

Cons:

But seriously. Nick? He's such a useless character and I don't want to waste time on his story. I thought last week was a setup to get him out of the narrative for a while, but evidently I was wrong. He escapes from custody and goes back to his house where he confronts the ghost of his wife, and then we learn that he feels connected to Lucifer and wants him back. Just... yeah, like, I'm not surprised, but could we not have saved this for a later moment in the season? Or even shelved it for a while and brought it back in the recently announced Season Fifteen? Yeesh. These moments just sucked a lot of time away from what this episode should have been focusing on.

Also... Jack wasn't even in this episode. He was barely mentioned. And again we see that the bunker is empty, as Cas appears to be there alone. Can't we get some throw-away lines about where everyone is? It's annoying that they can't manage to squeeze that in.

This was a good Buckleming episode, which is a relief, since I always get a twinge of anxiety when I see their names flash across the screen. But it still had the same problems that all of their episodes tend to have, in that it was awkwardly paced in some parts. It's like every scene needed to have just thirty more seconds to breathe, to let characters react to things. Even the excellent angst scene at the end could have used just one more beat before Sam hugs Dean. It's a small thing, and it's the kind of thing that I don't tend to notice unless I notice that it's slightly off.

Pros:

But like I said, the angst was working for me.

I'll also say, in the interest of being totally fair, that Mark Pellegrino is a good performer, and I do like the concept of Nick being drawn to Lucifer. He sees the ghost of his wife and yearns for the devil instead. I also like that we can't be sure if that was really a ghost, or just Nick's delusion. These ideas aren't crap on the surface, it's just annoying to spend so much time on it when we're clearly more interested in other things.

I know that a lot of people in the fandom were disappointed with the Cas/Dean interactions this episode, because there had been an interview or something that had promised a big "turning point" for their characters. I hadn't heard about that promise ahead of time, which ultimately I think was a good thing, because I wasn't disappointed by what we got of Dean and Cas here. I actually think it was pretty great.

First, Cas being so excited to hear from Dean, and assuming that he's changed his mind about his suicidal plan, was just so cute. This isn't even a Destiel thing, necessarily, but I just love that Dean is startled that Cas is so happy to hear from him. Dean doesn't really know what to do with open and honest affection, and it's sad and adorable at the same time. I also like that Dean wants to avoid goodbyes before locking himself in the box, so when he talks to Cas on the phone, he tries to keep it strictly about the case he's working. But right at the end, he seemingly can't help himself from saying "it's good to hear your voice." He was fully planning on that being the last time he ever speaks to Cas. Just like with his little hug and "take care, Sammy," Dean couldn't stop himself from saying some version of a goodbye to his loved ones.

And then there's the moment in the hospital. I love that Cas' reaction to Dean's plan isn't despair or resignation, it's just pure, simple, anger. He's livid that Dean would even consider this idea, and we're getting a real emphasis on the fact that Dean is betraying his principles through this plan. He's giving up. There's this great cutting line where Cas decides to go try and help Donatello, because if there's even a glimmer of hope, he has to try. "You taught me that," Cas says to Dean, his tone biting. I just love that so much. Also, after the Winchester moment at the end, Cas comes out to join them, and Dean includes Cas in his "I believe in us" declaration, which is precious.

It was fun to see Donatello again. He makes for an interesting counterpoint to other characters we've seen without their souls. Namely, Sam. Donatello might be amoral, but he's pretty much harmless. The whole concept of Donatello being somewhere between life and death, so other prophets are being awakened, was actually pretty cool. It reminded me of when Buffy briefly dies and we get Kendra the Vampire Slayer. The focus wasn't really on the case this week, nor should it have been, but I thought the concept was cool, and I like the fact that it brought back a dangling thread and did something to resolve it, while also giving Sam and Dean a vehicle to talk about this awful situation. The scene with the guy who had lost his twin was particularly potent, as of course Dean is trying to brush past the parallels, while Sam is just trying at every turn to goad Dean into changing his mind.

That scene in the impala where Dean apologizes for not always being the best brother to Sam... that just gutted me. We know that John Winchester will be making a reappearance for the 300th, so I'm actually really encouraged that they talked about him here in a less than positive light. Dean carries around guilt that he often took John's side because he was trying to keep the peace. We also learn that John sometimes sent Dean away, and that Sam probably felt somewhat abandoned during those times. Sam has still not given up on convincing Dean to stop with this crazy plan, but he does absolve Dean of his guilt, telling him that Dean was the one person who was always there for him, and that he let go of his pain over their childhood a long time ago. But he also asks Dean to stop trying to do the deathbed apology thing, because Sam needs to keep his mind off of what's going to happen.

Throughout the whole episode, we get this recurring theme of Dean tiptoeing around Sam's feelings about this plan. Dean is scared, obviously. We see that he's having nightmares about being in the box, and he's shouting Sam's name. (Jensen killed it with his performance in that opening sequence, by the way). But Dean also knows what he's doing to Sam, and he's kind of... apologetic about it. At the end of the episode he makes a comment about going out on a high note, and then he says "sorry" to Sam for bringing it up again. I love that. He's the one who's about to position himself for an eternity of torture, but he knows that he's hurting Sam terribly, and he hates that too.

Jared slayed me in that final scene. He's resentful and angry and his heart is breaking, and he plays all of those emotions so well. I love that he hits Dean and then just sort of collapses into his arms. His entire world is falling apart. Dean is the only thing that he can't stand to lose. I also like that in situations like this, you can see hints of their relationship reverting to an old childhood mode - Sam is a kid who needs his brother, and Dean immediately shifts into that caretaker mode. He says what he needs to say to get Sam to calm down, he promises to believe in their strength, but he's also firm: Sam needs to prepare himself for the worst case scenario, and be ready to let Dean go if it comes to that. He also does this adorable little pat to the side of Sam's face and says "don't hit me again, okay?" I just... loved everything about this exchange.

I think I basically said this in last week's review, but I want to reiterate that nothing going on here is particularly shocking or original. I knew that Dean wasn't really going to get in a box forever, and I knew they were going to find a way to put the A-plot on the back burner so we could tell different stories for the next few weeks before ramping it back up for finale time. It's the same story every year. But I love Dean Winchester and I love Sam Winchester and I want to watch them react to these traumatic and interesting scenarios. I want the angst, and I'm not going to complain that they're pandering to my specific wants here.

So there you have it. Next week is the 300th. There's a lot of pressure, a lot of speculation, about what's going to happen, and I'll admit I'm incredibly nervous - and curious - to see what's going to happen!

8/10