#of an autistic girl at her FUCJING LIMIT

[damnedrainbows]

second day in a row for a bad autistic melt down

and I mean I should be grateful really, it’s been so long since I’ve had a really bad melt down. Been a month maybe, which shows significant improvement. You’d never have known it happened yesterday, I was acting the same as always huh? just left for a couple hours

it’d be nice if I knew what caused them but I don’t. which I learned is an autism thing too. when I have them I have to ask myself ‘did I eat, did I drink, sleep, and go to the bathroom’ to at least check that off. I don’t even know when I’m overstimulated until I have the melt down or the headache

I went into my sensory swing to have it, the safest place to be since mine get…physical. best place to thrash and kick, but I hit the wall.

I just…wanted to draw and watch tv. once upon a time I could have the tv on as background noise and I could bear to listen to my computer fan. I miss the days when I didn’t get exhausted trying to listen to a conversation. was it really only two years ago that I managed to do forty commissions in a single summer? I haven’t been able to finish a page of fucking doodles in three days. now? the person I was literally feels like a fantasy. it feels like when I was functional that was a fever dream.

i don’t even feel like the melt down is done. i just feel like I’m suppressing it, as I have all my life. I knew it was coming. my breathing was tighter and I was more irritated and snapping at everyone, but I don’t know where it came from. I just…want to draw and watch tv. I want to play with my new craft kit my best friend got me.

and yet I went downstairs and even wearing my migraine glasses I felt the need to rip my fucjing face off because of the bright nightlight. I don’t know what to do, and my life falling apart isn’t for lack of trying for fucks sake

I had to leave college every year I attempted it. Three years of failure and it is wild to think how I even managed to complete anything when I have to put my head down after fifteen minutes of doing anything now. my only actual job outside art I was fired after a month because i kept freezing and getting disoriented at the cash!

it’s not lack of trying. my family thinks I’m lazy but jesus I try more than anyone! I never asked for this, I don’t know where my life went. and come to find out, it could be years until I get the official diagnosis because of this wait period? my grandmother is almost ninety, what am I supposed to do when…I have nowhere to go? i can!t support myself. i can’t even go in stores now without getting disoriented. my physical health is worsening as well. I can’t stand for long anymore with how deformed my knees have gotten

sometimes i think i’m not going to live much longer and i’m okay with that.