#oddelleths fics

[0dde11eth]

A fox comes into camp one night and it sniffs at jaskiers hair, and nips at it lightly.

Geralts watching with an amused expression. Jaskiers homemade hair pomade smells delicious, geralts been tempted to do it himself too.

The tugging on his scalp makes jaskier wake up in a bleary haze. "Whats going on? Am I being kidnapped again?"

"Go back to sleep jaskier, you're safe" geralt rumbles.

Jaskier let's out a happy hum and burrows back under his blankets and geralts stolen cloak

[0dde11eth]

After the mountain jaskier decides to go to oxenfurt and take care of himself.

He goes shopping and buys a whole new outfit, including a hat and jacket.

He buys himself the finest wine and a large platter of treats and dainties to nibble on

He also gets a full spa day. He splurged for the works! Nails, massage and a bath that is so luxurious that king vizimir himself will weep with jealousy!!!

Then he sees the shape the bubbles makes and bursts into tears. Everything reminds him of geralt, (and his lovely bottom)

i ran a bath n added bubbles n they ended up looking like a butt I accidentally made a bubble butt

[0dde11eth]

There's only one bed! Our two idiots argue back and forth about what to do.

Geralt keeps insisting that it's fine, he can sit on the floor and meditate while jaskier takes the bed and gets some sleep.

Jaskier wants his witcher to get some real rest too! And he knows how alert geralt stays out in the wilderness so that he doesn't sleep as much as he should.

Finally geralt snaps that he is going to sit on the floor and meditate and that's FINAL!

Jaskier snaps back, "Fine! Then I'm going to sit and meditate with you all night!"

They huff at eachother and sit on the floor, both determined to out last the other stubbornness.

Ten minutes later jaskier is snoring away onto geralts shoulder.

Geralt smiles in fondness at his ridiculous bard and carefully lifts him onto the bed. He removes the bards boots, and maneuvers jaskier so he's snuggled under the blankets.

Jaskier wakes up long enough to sleepily grab geralts wrist and softly asks geralt to stay.

Geralt is helpess to resist jaskier when hes ths soft and earnist. So he quickly slides under the covers, allowing the bard to snuggle up against him

[0dde11eth]

Jaskier coming out of the dentist office sobbing hysterically. Two nurses are helping him walk to geralt.

Jaskiers eyes are glassy from the nitrous oxide and his breath still reeks of it. The bard is still under the drugs effects and he is not fully coherent. But he is so distressed it makes geralts heart ache

Geralt storming up to them in rage and anger. "WHATS WRONG? What happened!?"

his eyes are stormy and he's ready to kill anyone who hurt his bard. This was supposed to be a simple procedure!

Jaskier grasping his arms desperately and sobbing "they said I can't suck dick anymore!"

One of the nurses rolls his eyes. "Just until the filling for the cavity is set. Just 24 hours"

[0dde11eth]

Geralt finally opens up to jaskier about the mutagens he was subjected to, and how they have given him physical, mental, and instinctive qualities found in wolves.

He stands back, facing jaskier, but not able to meet his eyes. He clenches his fists, waiting for the bard to leave him, it's finally too much. Geralts too strange, too different, not human enough.

Jaskier thinks for a moment, and takes a step forward.

"I like your human side."

Another step. He brushes geralts hair behind his ear in a gentle caress.

"I like your Wolf side"

Another step. He's close enough they are sharing breath. Golden eyes meet blue.

"But most of all. I like your back side." Jaskier says as he finally gives into temptation and squeezes the ass he's been staring at all these years.

[0dde11eth]

Jaskier deciding to prove to geralt that he CAN fend for himself in the wild.

He has even found a patch of wild corn dogs!

He brings a pile back to camp, and smirks at geralt. "Pass the mustard dear, If you're nice I'll even share my catch with you."

Geralt (being the little shit that he is) passes the condiment without comment.

Fun fact, cattails explode with fuzz if you break their skin, whether you use your hands... or bite into it

Jaskier can't even cuss geralt out because he's too busy trying to spit out the insane amount of fluff

[0dde11eth]

We all agree that jaskier would be a MENACE and chaos incarnate when he gets to kaer morhen.

He has no fear of witchers and their muscles and scowling faces. So they have no idea how to get him to behave.

Once Lambert threatened to spank him if he didn't shape up. (cause he heard that kids hate that.) It did not have the effect on jaskier he was hoping for.

Even papa vesemir gets worn out from trying to wrangle both him and Lambert. So one of the most common phrases geralt hears In winter is " GERALT! come deal with your bard!"

Geralt wants to think he is very strict. But in reality, he's as lenient as the police on national free balloon day.

Geralt drags his bard over to the corner for a TIME OUT. It lasts less than 15 seconds. Even when he accidentally blew up the west tower.

They are both very dramatic when geralt calls the punishment off. Lots of sobbing and kissing and geralt carrying jaskier around for the rest of the evening.

***

The entire time jaskier shoots the other witchers the most obnoxious smug expressions over geralt shoulder as he carries him around whispering apologies for his "punishment"

[0dde11eth]

5  times Geralt had to save Jaskier from a cult. And one time he had to save a cult from Jaskier

1. Jaskier joins a special choir! No its people worshiping sirens. The final test of faith is they get fed to said sirens.

2. Group of astronomers. They think that Melitele is going to take them on a flying boat and take them on a trip amongst the stars. No they are tripping on herbs and mushrooms in the middle of the woods at night. 

3. Living lightly: “honestly Geralt i thought youd support this one, you always insist i have too much stuff. No the leader is just robbing his followers, and geralt has to intimidate him into giving back the elven lute.

4. pyramid schemes... oh sweet Melitele so many damn pyramid schemes. 

5. a new fitness regime. Normally geralt loves the idea of jaskier working on his health. however this particular one is extremely unhealthy, has no real science to it, and a hungry jaskier is a scary jaskier. 

+ 1. the order of the white flame is taken down by jaskier burning down its entire settlement, and destroying their entire belief system by writing an entire song cycle ripping it apart. No racism on jaskiers watch thank you very much.

 (geralt has to prevent his feral little bard from becoming blood thirsty, its one thing to burn down a settlement, its another to attempt to beat their hate filled leader to death with nothing more than his fists and pure rage).

[0dde11eth]

I finally found this again!

Imagine an alien sharing a cool human fact they just learned like ”hey guys did you know that the silvery markings on humans actually aren’t true stripes? They’re called stretch marks, they happen when the human is growing fast enough to actually outgrow their skin, which is apparently something that just fucking happens to almost all of them at some point of their life.”

and another one is like ”wait so you’re saying humans don’t have stripes.”

”actually they do, but the stripes are invisible. There’s genetic code that’d give them stripes but they’re just the same colour as the rest of the skin. So the visible stripes are not real stripes and the real stripes are invisible.”

”I swear if you tell me one more weird human thing today I’m beating your ass.”

[0dde11eth]

Jaskier and geralt end up needing to help a woman through labor, a monster attacked her family and the incident caused her to go into labor. The husband is injured and can't help, and they can't get her to a healer in time. So it's up to jaskier and geralt to get her through this.

Jaskier is holding her hand, wiping her brow and telling her to breath. He's doing great until the baby actually pops out. Then he squeals in a manly way, and blurts out, "GROSS, come out of an egg next time!"

After dry heaving several times, he manages to wipe off the slippery infant and give it to the mother.

Geralt fainted the instant her water broke. Every time he wakes, he looks over at her and down he goes again like a sack of grain.

It was funny the first dozen times, but now its annoying

The baby is healthy, the mother did well, and the father heals from his Injuries

And jaskier gets a new song from the experience! "The wolf with the spirit of a fainting goat"

[0dde11eth]

Can you imagine how lovely the night Is for witchers with their enhanced eyes?

The swirling galaxies, the depth of the milky ways, the dancing colors of the northern lights?

The infinite number of stars being double of what a human could observe?

Staring across a meadow with the cool moonlight dancing across the sleeping flowers?

A witchers life is a tragedy, but there are these small moments of peace and beauty that ordinary humans will never experience

[0dde11eth]

Geralt got super Injured once. Which meant he had to stay at one of the temples of melite to heal

Jaskier took care of roach at his families estate, in the meantime.

Once geralt is healthy enough to travel he goes to pick up jaskier and roach.

He takes two steps into the barn and SCREAMS

Jaskier spoiled roach incessantly without geralt there to interfere. And she wasnt hauling around a heavy witcher and all his armor and stuff. So as a result she... gained a little weight

(The horns are an aesthetic choice geralt, jaskier thinks they are rather fetching.)

[0dde11eth]

Omg I'm adding extra angst

Last fall was when they finally admitted their feelings to eachother. Lambert and Aiden shared a hesitant kiss before Lambert had to leave, to beat the snows. They agree to meet up in the spring and begin their new romantic relationship, and court eachother

Aiden waits for weeks at their designated spot. But Lambert doesn't show. Not even a raven or a verbal message explaining his lack of appearance

Clearly he changed his mind and didnt want Aiden anymore, and didnt want to even continue their friendship. So Aiden leaves and decides to go to the skellige islands to hide and mend his heart. He doesn't tell anyone of his plan, not even the caravan.

When Lambert finally does escape from kaer morhen his cat is missing, and no one's heard from him for months

It's a well-known rule among those who know of the fae: one must never consume food gifted by them, for it could lead to entrapment.

Little did anyone suspect, Jaskier was a changeling, a secret hidden even from himself. When Geralt brought him to Kaer Morhen for the winter, Jaskier stood as one of the only two humans in residence. With chores assigned, it seemed sensible to assign him the simpler tasks.

Among these tasks was cooking.

Unbeknownst to all, this decision would lead to the entrapment of everyone within Kaer Morhen's walls.

[0dde11eth]

Jaskier is always so elaborate and detailed with date night planning. The amount of planning and details he puts into the average date night is unparalleled.

Geealt tries but he's not as creative, so he feels guilty because he's afraid jaskier doesn't realize the depths of his affection.

So for their anniversary he goes all out. He plans for 6 months, and asks everyone he knows, (and even strangers) for advice and help in setting it up. He dips into his savings account to splurge on every one of jaskiers favorite things.

Geralt covers jaskiers eyes to reveal the surprise. To his dismay jaskier bursts into tears. Poor geralt is terrified he did it wrong and upset jaskier.

Finally when he is composed enough to speak jaskier manages to give geralt a watery smile, "these are tears of happiness dear heart"

[0dde11eth]

He'd never say it out loud. But one of papa vesemirs favorite things is looking at the footprints in the snow from his pups.

They are evidence of the mischief they get into. They tell the story of their lives if you look closely and know how to read them.

Sometimes the strides are long because they are determined to get their chores over with and back into the warm keep as quickly as possible.

Sometimes the path is wobbly cause they have been drinking.

Other times it's obvious one has pushed the other over into the snow. And then was retaliated against.

There's the scuffs on the stones from where an impromptu wrestling match occurred.

There's occasionally hoof prints dancing around the foot prints when lil bleater gets out and they have to chase her down before she can cause any problems.

Every year there is also the inevitable full body print of when she headbutts Lambert when he is least expecting it and he ends up falling over.

There are white splotches everywhere from sudden and fierce Snowball fights where they fight for nothing more than simple bragging rights and the joy of carousing with your brothers.

He silently mourns the loss of these footprints as he watches them melt away each spring. He knows that the warm months will be lonely, especially without these little reminders of his pack

[0dde11eth]

Vesemir is the Grumpiest kitten

Vesemir was having the strangest year of his long life. His pup geralt had not only managed to bind himself to a sorceress AND a Cintran princess, but also a member of the fairy Court.

The crashing of rocks in the background tell him that the sorceress and her pupil are hard at work, using their magic to help rebuild the northern tower. Echos of laughter drift down to vesemir. His pups are hard at work, helping put plaster in the cracks. Or at least they pretend to work hard when he's in eye sight. They still think that if they can't see him then he clearly can't tell what kind of mischief they are getting into.

Speaking of the little runaway viscount. "Hello bard."

"Good morning sir vesemir! And how are you this fine day? Ooh what are we harvesting today?"

"Watermelons, Lamberts cat brought me some seeds from his caravan last year, and I wanted to see how well they'd grow at this altitude."

Blue eyes peek over vesemirs shoulder, "I haven't seen a Watermelon in decades!" The young fae practically shouts in his excitement. "I can hardly wait, I swear between the treasures of your garden and cooking I've gained ten pounds, this last week alone!"

Vesemir chuckled at the bard, who was dressed in a shockingly bright green outfit, "true, you're beginning look like one of my watermelons"

A loud, dramatic gasp and a swat at his shoulder makes vesemir laugh even louder. "Nice try, but you're a kitten without any claws. All hissing and yowling and fluffing up trying to look scary"

"Rude!" Jaskier does indeed appear to fluff himself up as he draws in a deep breath to lecture the older wolf.

Before he can speak vesemir pats jaskiers head condescendingly. "I jest bard, a little kitten like you couldn't possibly eat an entire Watermelon. So we better save them all for the wolves. Help keep that figure trim."

Jaskier draws himself up glaring at the wolf. The teasing about his weight he can handle. Calling him a kitten? That's fine! But the audacity to not share the deliciousness of Watermelon?? This shall not stand!

"Let's see who's the kitten around here." Blue eyes become even bluer, glowing brightly as he gently taps the older Witcher on the nose with his forefinger.

"Bard what the hell are you doing!?" Vesemir roars in anger. Or at least he tries to. All that comes out is a series of tiny squeaks.

Long fingers come into view and vesemir swats them away, hissing furiously. The bards tinkling laughter fills the air and vesemir can feel himself being lifted by his scruff. Much to his annoyance, vesemir can't help how his body goes limp in response.

Jaskiers face appears in front of vesemirs own. "Oh you are the cutest thing! Yet you still look so grumpy, even as a kitten."

The bard brings vesemir closer and kisses his forehead, crooning under his breath. Vesemir growls at the affection, which just makes jaskier laugh more.

After a moment jaskier rearranges his grip, and as soon as he releases vesemirs scruff, vesemir takes advantage and attacks! With a wild yowl he scratches jaskiers cheek. A single drop of blood appears.

The fae heals it immediately, and huffs at at vesemir. "So rude! Well if you're not going to be good company, then I'll leave you be!

With that, jaskier places the cranky kitten on the ground, and decides to push his luck even further. "I look like a Watermelon do I? Well fine! A Watermelon I shall be!"

Another poof of magic fills the air, and in jaskiers place, a Watermelon sits. Rage fills vesemir at the faes antics and he scrambles around the plants and begins lecturing the fruit. bard. Whatever! He smacks the Watermelon without much success, considering how tiny his paws are. He can feel his fur fluffing up as his temper grows.

He's still yelling (mewing) at the bard to change them back, when the hungry pups wander into the garden, wanting to collect the pair for lunch.

To their surprise they see a cranky grey kitten, furiously growling and squeaking at a strange glowing Watermelon.

Lambert snorts. "Is that your bard?"

Eskels eyes widen, "is that... VESEMIR?"

Geralt simply sighs, and pinches the bridge of his nose. Vesemir will be making him run the walls nonstop for months because he brought his ridiculous bard to kaer morhen.