#ocd is the fucking worst thing in the world

[embv]

my body doesn’t Hate me, per se. It just Loves being an annoying little shit

[devnmon]

having one of the worst weeks/weekends of my life waiting for news that i have absolutely no idea how it will turn out plus studying for an exam and other school hurdles i have to jump over everyday and i just cant take it anymore. all i want to do is escape and play videogames but i cant cause i'll just think about my issues more

[malwaredykes]

well. here she is. miss Leigh Stasik.

trans woman. stubborn, incorrigible, eccentric. communist; she has leftist in-fighting with herself on the regular. a cannibal; she has no moral qualms about this, and its both a bit of a spiritual thing and a bit of a pragmatic thing. medic (not a doctor. no medical license). she knows for sure she had some kind of significant personality change from being shot in the head, but she doesn't remember what she was like exactly before it happened, it all became this kind of distant memory soup. shes originally from west new cali, but she grew very attached to the mojave. and has a lot of contempt for the ncr. She Will Serve Crack Before She Serves This Country. thank god the army discriminates against transsexuals etc. zero tolerance for the legion, obviously.

she firmly believes she is not nice, or kind, or compassionate, but instead her actions and her general sense of justice stem from her simply doing whats the most logical and objectively beneficial. it may be true to some extent, but she might also have a wee bit of ocd of the "i am a horrible person whos at all times like 2 seconds away from committing atrocities" variety.

shes a SCIENTIST. unofficially. she doesnt have a degree nor a chosen field of study. she makes her own hrt and other mysterious concoctions, including designer chems. which she claims she ingests injects etc not for recreational purposes, but to Enhance Her Powers And Possibilities. she reads old world books about psychology so she can manipulate people better. and makes weird contraptions and doohickeys while high. shes a HACKER of course and hacks terminals and systems for fun and just to see if she can.

her stats are out there due to implants and intense training, originally they were rather average. in-game she wears combat armor mk 2, but i see her having spruced it up like this. her main weapon is the ycs/186, the unique gauss rifle, but before that she used a modded plasma pistol. which she very much enjoyed the silly appearance of. because it was so small and with so much shit tacked on and she could just hold it in one hand like a mutated revolver like Hands up motherfucker bang bang bang lol. her melee weapon of choice is the machete gladius, but she's been training to be able to wield a thermic lance.

in my head the trajectory of her actions and the fate of the mojave that follows is different from what you can do with the game, because leigh could only go for The Secret Leftist Route Which Was Supposed To Be In The Game But We Were Robbed Of It.

boone was the first friend she made after leaving goodsprings and their relationship is particularly notable. they are Comrades, Siblings-In-Arms, Worsties (like besties but fucked up). theyve seen each other at their worst. they annoy each other on purpose. theyve had serious ideological clashes with each other and some ways in which boone perceives the world drive leigh absolutely nuts. they're ride or die for each other. theyre the kind of comfortable around each other where she'll be on the toilet and smoking a cig with the door open and talking to him, while he's naked sitting on the floor removing stitches from his leg. she's done surgery without anesthesia on him. he's projectile vomited blood on her from being poisoned by cazadores. she strongly encourages him to become a traitor to the ncr and to take part in the revolution and the formation of the new independent mojave alliance. somehow, it works on him in the end. shamefully they kinda like snuggling... boone bro come to bed man its nighty night man its beddy bye time.

shes in love with lily bowen. i havent decided yet whether she actually makes a move. but she thinks lily is sooooo dreamy. and shes right. if you dont think the enormous 203 year old blue mutant woman is dreamy thats your problem. outta her way

[not-the-cheese]

one sentence(ish) summaries of every magnus archive episode PART 2

(eps 61-110) thank u for the funny comments and tags on the last part i love u guys

the rest of these may take a while as i've caught up to where i am currently in the podcast but i will finish them like in a month i promise

----

61. the thrilling sequel to man does not open coffin: man DOES open coffin.

62. surely this doctor can find an easier way to scam people out of money than putting them in a little book.

63. THE DARK ATE MY BROTHER IN LAW.

64. this is possibly the plot of laura croft tomb raider

65. mmm crumchy

66. what's the opposite of an unboxing video

67. as close to a coffeeshop au as you're going to get from this podcast

68. Doctors hate him! Man REFUSES to die from tuberculosis!

69. your college's psych department has the worst idea ever.

70. reverse death note

71. not even death will stop this woman from taking the british subway

72. man doesn't want to be low key racist in his last moments before getting eaten

73. police versus the second coming of dark jesus

74. lady is haunted by an ad for coffee

75. mike crew says "uh fuck it let's just put this guy on a skyscraper forever"

76. ryan from buzzfeed unsolved breaks into a train yard and suffers consequences

77. you're not a enough of a bitch to be my real mom

78. man gets harassed by his cousin and then exorcises him

79. you know that chase scene in scooby doo with the doors

80. stupid idiot motherfucking jurgen leitner

81. i have been personally victimized by the sequel to the hungry hungry caterpillar

82. pov: elias threatens to cancel you

83. mannequin takes matters into its own hands after people don't like its pitch for a new window display

84. a hoarder put newspaper on my friend's face :(

85. hey there's maybe a little man upon these stairs?

86. man gets got by a squiggly thing in the dark.

87. plumber is so oblivious to spooky happenings around him that it possibly saves his life.

88. guys i think this guy likes to dig

89. lesbian investment banker finds a new, less evil job: arson!

90. guy who turns people's bones starts a gym where he promises not to turn your bones! (he is lying)

91. i was stalked by lightning for 10 years and i all i got were these stupid scars

92. jonah magnus is a bad friend // another day another elias slay

93. ocd is no match for purple fuzz

94. let the bodies drop gently to the floor let the bodies drop gently to the floor

95. im so sorry my brain refuses to remember what the war ones were about but i think one guy got gently kissed on the forehead so that's pretty nice.

96. diversity wins! the not-quite-human delivery men who stole your identity and business are maybe gay?

97. man gets gaslighted by an entire town about a hole

98. 🎶mister sandman bring me a dream, actually don't, please stay far from me 🎶

99. another one bites the dust

100. archival assistants face off against the general public (they lose)

101. jon finally levels up high enough to unlock an eldritch horror's tragic backstory

102. LOCAL MAN MARRIES BUG

103. peppa eats a clown and they cover her in concrete instead of congratulating her.

104. pennywise stole my brother's skin

105. it's world war z baby

106. Something Big Is In Space.

107. man is interrogated about the time he saw thomas the train roasts people alive and also sans is there

108. actor is stalked by mask who liked his monologue so much that it tells its mask friends to come watch.

109. sometimes a family is just a serial killer's daughter and that guy who maybe killed some vampires

110. yeah man those spiders be eating

Part 1 |

[cemetegee]

Cemy's Masterpost for TLT Analyses

Analysing things is my love language, so it's clear that I have a whole lot of TLT analyses. I want to collect them in this post, because I have trouble finding them myself. Much fun!

I'm an Ianthe stan

Ianthe and ADHD (my favorite analysis post of mine, I'm serious, it's very me-core)

Corona, Ianthe and the Threat of Killing Oneself

Ianthe is the Underling (she is such a good girl)

Ianthe's the Most Repressed Nun Third I've Ever Seen (Emotionally)

About the Thoughtfulness of Ianthe's Lies

Dying as a Skill Issue (Dying is for suckers, bitch!)

Ianthe apparently knows more than she says

The Unwanted Guest is a Genius Mindfuck (my very first post, click here to meet baby cemetegee)

Ianthe Goes Poetry

Ianthe is not the pure evil, but a very normal person

Ianthe Lore

Could Ianthe see Cytherea's Corpse?

Ianthe is Actually Angry With Harrow because of the Lobotomy

Does Ianthe Have a (Deadly) Disease?

Ianthe Must be Borderline Horny in TUG

Ianthe's relationship to Corona (not gonna lie, probably neccessary to understand the posts above)

The Tridentarii Power Shift Dynamic

"Corona's Con" | Who's in Charge? (Whooo is in ControOoOl?)

Family Ties (or Third House culture?)

Corona hanged herself in in front of her eyes

The Tridentarii & Lolita

A very smart user said the Tridentarii would maybe only *perform* their Tridentariicest (maybe to disgust everybody from further investigations in their relationship?), and I'm OBSESSED with that take

Ianthe's Relationship to Babs

Ianthe and Babs Were Best Buddies (well at least a bit :(...)

Does Ianthe Regret the Murder of Naberius Tern?

Babs Died for her Plot Armor (that's literally the whole post, you don't have to click on the link)

Coronabeth Tridentarius: An Approach to her Character

Coroniphis & Ianthe (the explanatation for Ianthe's name seems to be more connected to Corona than to her)

What in Hell has she Done to Babs?

Than to Love and be Loved by Ianthe the First, Saint of Awe

Corona is a Very Third Person (Nobody Notices Somehow)

Corona has killed Babs (haven't thought of that myself, but I find it interesting)

TLT Mechanics

How Could Cytherea Infiltrate Canaan House Without Being Betrayed by a Missing Thanergic Signature

Who/What is Kiriona Gaia? (my poor saddest girl in the whole world :()

How Could Wake Use Cytherea's body? (Necromantic Explanatation)

Why can Cavs and Necros Use Each Other's bodies? | How Could Palamedes Use Babs body? (just some basic theories about necromancy my friendos)

John "Jod" Gaius

Why Didn't Jod Heal Cytherea's Lung Cancer?

Jod is not Obliged to See Gideon as his Daugther, as Hard as it Sounds (Hear me out) (mostly about questioning blood relation as synonym for family in this case, what is also interesting to me in regard to found families)

Strange Pre-Ressurection Behavior Against Mercymorn

John is not the pure evil, but a very normal person

John was Pretty Fucked Up when he Decided to Kill the world (Correction to what I said in the post: he *did* technically kill her. Pulling out the soul of a body is dying by definition)

Hugs for John (I don't agree with his actions (such as for example killing the world) but his life can't be easy since then)

John 00:00 (Or John has the worst OCD ever known to men, in my opinion, and I apologize him because of that) (Correction: I said in that post John would intend to die. I still think that (see post below) but he likely doesn't intend to die forever)

John has to die for a Second Resurrection [Theory]

Any Thoughts About the Theological Implications of the character John "Jod" Gaius?

TLT Meta

Determinism in TLT

I Would Like to Talk About the Implications of TLT pls pls 👉👈 (pls ignore how much I sound like a snob in that post lol. I AM NOT, that was just me trying to formulate my wish in English :D)

The characters of TLT aren't the pure evil but very normal people

TLT Lore

Pyrrha is a Genius

Alecto Predictions

Alecto X Anastasia: Eightfold Word Light-Light??

[benny-the-spaceman]

happy 18th birthday to ME! and kind of benny. kind of. technically charlie day. whatevs. ive got more to say below the cut, but this goes out to the ppl ive gotten to know and the ppl ive learned from and admired in this community, thanks for making tlm so special to me <3

Alright. wow. 18. It feels weird to say that honestly. more importantly, this marks around 2 years of me being in the lego movie fandom, which is even crazier! I actually found this community at one of the worst parts of my life, I'd developed very severe drug related OCD, to the point where I was barely eating and drinking or leaving my room for over a month because i was so terrified of my intrusive thoughts. I went to a treatment center where I started ERP therapy, and during that time I watched a reel about the lego movie and decided that, since i was out of school and had way too much free time, maybe i could occupy some time with that instead. TLDR: best decision of my fucking LIFE. i got hooked pretty quickly, and after a few weeks i started interacting and making friends. I started using my tumblr again and i was drawing every free moment i could. joining this community started as a sort of coping mechanism for me, but as my ocd went into partial remission it became more and more of a passion and less of just something to occupy my brain. overall, awesome. however, it really wasnt until a year or so later that id REALLY start to get to know people, and leading into my senior year, I became friends with some amazing people. Superpeeboy and Mars of course, but also many other people, almost too many to name (yall know who u are tho (:, and if u think it could be u, it probably is). This community has made me so, incredibly happy, in ways even before my ocd i didnt think were possible. I never thought id find myself so enthusiastically looking toward my future, because despite every horrible thing going on in the world I have people around me that I know will be there, and I hope I can be there for them jsut the same. Honestly I just want to thank every person who's made this community special for me. Whether we've become best friends or have never talked even once, thank you for making the lego movie such an amazing place to call home. When I say this has saved me, I mean it. Happy birthday to me, I don't even know what birthday wish I could make, I've already gotten so many things that I'd always wished for.

[carlyraejepsans]

mind if i get sappy both negatively and positively for a sec?

if you've been following me for a while you'll remember just last year when i was still in highschool and i was so, so lonely and this blog was getting more popular than i meant for it to be. i was a wreck. i had straight up nightmares about hypothetical call outs and people taking my words out of context to turn people against me and that I'd lose the few people i genuinely thought of as friends. i used to go over my old posts deleting them and obsessively editing the wording when i felt it could be twisted to mean something else. even worrying that the fact they COULD have a double meaning meant i was secretly a horrible person in some sick freudian sense. not a good time to have moral OCD! or anon asks open, lmfao.

and i look at my past self now, after my biggest fear realized so many times it's now a monthly annoyance at worst and well. of course i did. i had no one else! that was the extent of my friendships at the time. the people i met and came to love online were the only place i felt truly safe to be myself around without having to fight for my right to be respected or putting on a persona.

but guess what? that's not the case anymore. I'm out of my parents' house, i have authority over my own decisions and presentation, i have friends at school (real friends! more than I've ever had simultaneously in my life!) that enjoy my company in person and include me in the things they do, fully respecting my chosen name and identity as a trans person. i have a queer community to share my burdens and my joys with, i am finally, finally getting started on HRT which is a dream I thought I'd never reach... and guess what. even my online friends didn't give a fuck. i was so paranoid about being alone again that i forgot to consider that they... also care about me, just like i care about them. that they're not gonna dump me out of nowhere because some random asshole decided i was their parasocial nemesis of the week, and if they had doubts or questions wbout something, we could discuss it in private and either agree or agree to disagree on friendly terms.

idk I'm just doing the best I've ever done in my life. this period of my life is perhaps the first time I've ever felt like a complete and whole person. it gets me a little tender hearted looking back and seeing how much I've grown since the time "something like this" would've been world ending.

anyway if any of this rings familiar to you, know I'm proud of you as well. in the way you've grown AND in the way you will grow, given time. hold the line, soldier. things get getter. that's a promise.

[dano-or-not]

Ok I just went through another evil terrible throw up evil hell super hell worst vampire bad terrible loop and I forgot that Reigen is not special. His mistakes are not special. Mob has hurt people because of his flaws, Serizawa has hurt people because of his flaws, Ritsu has hurt people because of his flaws, I have hurt people because of my flaws, you have hurt people because of your flaws, every single person who has ever existed has hurt people because of their flaws. Reigen's capacity to slip up and unintentionally hurt someone's feelings is the least special and unique thing ever. What is special is his ability to put his pride aside and grow up for himself and other people. Not many people can do that. In my life I've encountered more people who refuse to apologize, refuse to admit they were in the wrong, refuse to change. Reigen actively does all of those things while also just being a fun person to be around, making him the exact type of person I would love to have in my life and the exact type of person Mob wants to be. That's what makes him special. If a person like him cannot be forgiven and loved to the ends of the earth even after fucking up now and then, there’s no hope for any of us. “Not being able to move past my shortcomings means throwing away love. There is no set amount or type of mistakes you can make to be bad, and there is no set amount or type of good deeds you can do to be good. Mob was only able to accept himself because having a side of yourself you don’t like and causes strife to yourself and others does not make anyone stand out. His fear of being a monster in a world without monsters is what caused him to bottle it up in the first place. Turns out everyone is a little bit monstrous. Let’s all be not special little monsters together.” Reigen says through the open window. I don’t even know how he got it open considering I dead bolted it shut. I spritz him with roach killer and with aggravated teary eyes he gives me a shaky thumbs up. “It’s all okay,” he calls, “you’re just ruminating because your ocd has attached itself to us here. It’s not as bad as it seems, we’re all okay!” Peering out the window, I see the entire mp100 cast has formed a human tower so Reigen can reach my window. These life lessons are making me consider hiring a bodyguard.

[rifualk]

On Mental Health and Cosmic Embarrassment

I don't usually make a post in the aftermath of one of my spirals, so I bet most people see some of the vent posts I make, and assume I am just off my meds or something. I am on them but I might not be on the right ones. This is a thing that happens to me sometimes. I have psychotic episodes, where it feels like the things I am saying are completely inconsequential and I genuinely believe no one cares what I'm saying or, worst of all, that it cannot scare anyone that cares about me. I get too tired to fight my intrusive thoughts and I just ride them out. Most of my thoughts are not ones I enjoy having. I have trouble parsing what is real sometimes. For most of my life, out of a kind of primal shame and terror of being perceived or judged, I beat myself into believing that I just roleplayed as a crazy person online because I wanted attention for it, but it finally clicked for me at some point in my 20s that I was, and am, genuinely very mentally ill, maybe in ways that make me not-entirely-functional in the culture I inhabit. Also, I want attention for it.

Life is very embarrassing. I think embarrassment, shame, et al. is probably the most cosmic feeling of them all, because being embarrassed, for me anyway, leads invariably to my OCD extrapolating the embarrassment, no matter how slight, into its natural extreme, becoming a full-blown existential meltdown and often manifesting in some self-punishment. Or a lot of self-punishment. Instead of saying "everyone wants attention, it's not a big deal", my brain will overwhelm me with shame and make me vow to be quieter about the whole thing next time. Good emotions are meant to be expressed, I tell myself, and Bad ones are not. I think it's very unhealthy for people to not express their negative emotions openly. Or maybe I'm psychotic. I mean, I am psychotic. But maybe right now, too.

Ultimately this feeling peaks with the realization - again - that I'm a eukaryote. I live on a spinning ball of stardust in the aftermath of what had to have been a colossal disaster and waste of time. But it happened, and so now there's a bunch of stuff floating around, and some of that stuff started moving for reasons I don't personally understand and the implications of which scare me. And the moving stuff that moved faster got to stay moving longer. And so a chain reaction escalated, and eventually there were very large moving things whose survival adaptations had evolved in such a way that they could conceptualize and communicate complex information about the world around them, but they were also able to conceptualize themselves. This gave them a lot of grief. They wanted very badly for there to be an answer to why they were able to do that. Surely it served some purpose. But we never found one, and here we are.

I don't have a god to turn to. I have tried - earnestly, sincerely, and desperately - to reach out; I never hear back. I don't want to be an atheist, it's heartbreaking. Honestly. I want someone to be up there, or out there. Knowing there isn't, is just... cruel. It's horrifying and it wrenches my heart. Look at us, look how much we're suffering, where the fuck did you go, what the fuck is your problem? Help us!

In spite of everything, I am still not sure what I believe.

Don't you ever just cry about the world? Like, broadly? Don't you ever just have to take off your glasses and wipe the brine from them because you caught a glimpse of what people, as a species, could be capable of? And I get angry at myself, too. What am I doing about it? What even can I do? I can barely hold down a job. I am barely an adult. I am often mired in this feeling. It permeates everything. I'm living in a tragedy - not just my own, but millions and millions of others'. This is a nightmare. It's a nightmare and I'm an embarrassment, and my brain doesn't work right, and I'm living in a terrible reality that is shared by everyone, and yet somehow equally isolating and alienating to all of us. Does it have to be that way? Aren't we all lonely?

When I am spiraling I really do think that the end is near, either for me, or for everyone, or for both. To be fair, my confidence about humanity's future is not promising even when I am at my most sane. But in this kind of emotional place, the stakes are too high for me to care that what I say might come off as upsetting. It is completely overwhelming. I see my life up to this point, and I see how long I've been alive and realize I'm very Not Normal and I look and sound different than everyone around me and I'm an embarrassment. It's embarrassing to exist. It's embarrassing to be transgender, too. It's really, really embarrassing to be mentally ill and fully aware of it all the time. It's shameful. I am ashamed of how my family likely sees me. How my peers see me. I'm just a walking disaster. I feel like this bars me from leading a happy life or finding some success in art - It doesn't seem like you're allowed to be quite this much of a problem and "get away with it", does it? There's a bit of social sanitizing at work there - you are only allowed to be a certain level of messed up and if you pass that you're sort of a pariah. I don't think I've ever done anything pariah-worthy, but I can only see things from the inside of my own head, and there's a lot of unwanted noise in here.

I painted this when I lived in Oregon. I don't know how. I could not do art like this again if asked.

I'm not in a good place, generally-speaking. It could be worse - and it was for a long time- but it's still just not great. The main reason is that I am very homesick. I grew attached to the Pacific Northwest in a way I've never really grown attached to any other place. It had a quality that exists nowhere else. It resonated with me immediately and I knew right away from the moment I first set foot there that it was my home. I grew to be a part of it, and it's the only place I felt I somewhat-belonged... I have been away from Oregon for 2 whole years as of next month. I feel like I'm a fish out of water, or a sapling in the wrong soil. I can't and won't say that the place I live currently is a bad place, but it isn't my place, and the disconnect has been maybe the nastiest shock to my system in all my life. Finding the place I loved, and living for over 12 years there, only to be wrenched away from it so suddenly, left a shock on me that I think has yet to surface in my work. I'm excited to see what form it takes when it does. Location is very important to my mental wellbeing, more than I think it is for most people. Maybe I am a plant. It's also very important for my art. I've struggled to find inspiration since I moved here. That said, I've had the very precious opportunity to just work on myself - on my transition, as well as my personal issues. I think I'm getting better, gradually, in some way. I have a job now, at least. So it's not entirely bad. I even grew sunflowers last summer.

Around this time I got banned from twitter, but I don't feel any shame about the reason why because I believe in my message. But it forced me to be a lot less active online for a long time. It also made me lose a lot of support. That's been something I've grappled with a lot these last 2 years - that people really don't like people like me, for reasons that are mostly not our fault. I will likely always be something of an outsider for being who I am now, but I was one before anyway. It's still worth it. I like the person I'm becoming. I feel like only recently did I allow myself to feel this self-love. I was too embarrassed of myself. It took a lot of patience and a lot of de-tangling my self-worth from a lot of trauma. So it's likely I would have needed to go through all of this regardless of where I was.

I still slip up. It's an uphill climb and it's slippery. I like to be transparent about these things. It's a relief - feeling like I need to hide things is my default state and it's lovely to just let go of stuff so I don't need to keep it in my head all the time. I have a lot of hangups still. I get discouraged about my art still - I fear I'll never build myself back up to where I was before, and that there will never be a time when I can really pay the bills with it. Or worse-still, that it just isn't special enough to last. That it isn't remarkable enough to survive after I'm gone. But I think a lot of people who make stuff feel that way, and it's not our fault. There's some relief in that. I'm happy to have even a few people that care about me and my work, and something I've been trying really hard to remember in recent years is to take time to appreciate them. I'm not actually alone. I have a lot of people that love me. I'm not an outsider. I'm very lucky to know the people I do, and I hold a deep regret for all the connections I've let go of because I was just too sick. Deep down I really do wish I could love everyone. I have no ill will towards anyone, not really.

I still don't know what I'm doing. I am just doing my best, I think. I'm really, really tired. I don't want to get any older. I'm scared of the passage of time. My memory is so bad, it feels like time is taken from me without me realizing. I am 33 years old. I do not have 33 years worth of memories. There are huge leaps. Gaps where suddenly I was just older and in more pain. Being adrift in time like this is horrific - one day I will blink, and the present moment may be completely forgotten. It can't go this fast. It just can't. Something has to be wrong. I don't want to die, I don't want to miss out on so much life or be unable to remember it. I don't want to find myself on my deathbed someday way sooner than I think and be unable to string together any kind of coherent thread from my memories. What is it all for? It has to mean something right? Why am I doing anything?

I think I finally understand that love is why. I don't know much more than that. Love is real, and it's the answer. If you find love, don't take it for granted, ever. No love is perfect. Take it with all its flaws. You don't have time to bargain with it. Love like you'll never love again, love like it's your last day alive, love like it will keep you alive forever, because it will. Every year closer to death you get, you will feel the regret of all the times you did not follow your heart. Life is short. I'm finding this out entirely too late. It goes by so fast, and what you have at the end are people and memories of being loved. To be loved is to live forever. It's the thing that connects us to everything else. It's the source and the answer to everything. It makes more sense the older I get. It used to sound cheesy, but I believe it with more sincerity every day.

I'll be okay, okay

I once promised someone that I would stop self-harming. They are no longer in my life, but I kept the promise anyway. There are no new scars on my arms, or bruises on my head or face. I'm keeping this promise for myself, now.

[anonzentimes]

zen am i just projecting or am i cooking when i say komahina are both soooo incredibly anxiety disorder coded

like i’ll start with nagito bc to me that one’s more obvious. this guy has ocd. holy SHIT nagito has ocd. and it’s completely reasonable for him to have developed it! his luck means that things go wrong for very little reason all the time, he knows the luck has Rules to it, of course he’d develop little “rituals” (read: compulsions) to try to minimize bad luck. plus, frontotemporal dementia often causes symptoms of ocd as well (though i’d argue he very well could have developed the disorder before his diagnosis). nagito is always so convinced that Something Bad is going to happen Because Of Him even if he has nothing to do with the situation. “xyz thing happened earlier so something awful will happen now” that is obsessive-compulsive thinking!!! i just know he counts every step and Has to close doors 8 Times “just in case.” he probably has some form of moral ocd as well considering how convinced he is that he’s a terrible person who isn’t worth anything. oh and of course he doomspirals like no fucking other

as for hajime. i might really be projecting with this one but also i’m Right. generalized anxiety disorder. his primary fear response is fight. hajime is so stressed out about everything all the time and this is why he’s kind of bitchy. he’s Anxious. you see this a lot in the prologue where even before monokuma shows up hajime Is Not Trusting Of This Situation bc what the fuck!!! where is he!! what do you MEAN just enjoy it how did he get here!!! he’s surrounded by strange people on a strange island with a fucking stuffed rabbit and you expect him to NOT freak out??? hello??? he passed out for sure bc his adrenaline response got so intense that his blood pressure got weird and oh down he goes. but it also shows in subtler ways. his thought patterns and constant questioning of things— he overthinks a LOT, from monokuma’s plans to why his classmates are Like That to I Must Be So Normal to his mystery talent to What Is Nagito’s Deal Actually. in the prologue and chapter one, nagito gets hajime to calm down by distracting him— specifically, he teases hajime and riles him up. this gives him a healthy outlet to put that fight response energy into, and thus the anxiety recedes. hajime calls himself a “coward” in nagito’s 5th (? maybe 4th) fte— before i got my gad diagnosis, i thought of myself as being overly sensitive and nervous— hajime, who isn’t very good at deciphering emotions in general (likely due to not being able to talk about them at home but that’s a different story), would probably see his anxiety and identify it as cowardice. he also just… worries. constantly. about everything. whenever a classmate goes missing, whenever nagito goes missing (he proceeds to question WHY he’s worrying with nagito a lot which ties back to the overthinking), whenever anything new happens on the island, etc. mainly though i think hajime’s gad shows in his insecurities. he is deeply afraid of mediocrity, of his best not being enough. i think a lot of his fears stem from the idea of being forgettable or unremarkable— he wants to make an impact on the world, and the thought of dying before he can, whether it be in the killing game or just the rat race of life, horrifies him. but he doesn’t know who he is, he doesn’t know how to make that impact. he’s terrified that he, hajime hinata, is not enough. that he’s boring, unremarkable, destined to be just another salaryman, part of the mob. that’s why he worries about his talent so much, that’s why it hurts so much when nagito starts treating him worse in chapter 4 (someone who was once his biggest source of comfort is now affirming his worst fears), and that’s why he was such a good target for the kamukura project. hpa saw his insecurity and fear and preyed on it. most people wouldn’t sacrifice themselves for some experimental project. but when you’ve fought to get to a place that you pray will be able to make you special, and they tell you “we can make you special, but it will change who you are,” and you Don’t Like who you are because you feel deep down that who you are will never be enough, well. why wouldn’t you take the offer? you get to Be Something. you get to make an impact. who cares if you lose yourself? that guy was boring.

ANYWAYS that got away from me a little bit. i could keep going (like abt hajime’s fight response and nagito’s fawn response) but this ask is long enough lmao. point it they both have undiagnosed anxiety disorders i know it i Know It please tell me you see what i see

Hii!!! Sorry it’s taken me so long to get around to answering this! I was waiting for a good moment to type up a response since I think such a long ask, especially from an oomf, deserves a thought out reply. To be straightforward and simple: yes, absolutely yes! I think the interpretations that Hajime has anxiety disorder and Nagito has ocd is very fitting. I don’t know as much about ocd as I do about anxiety, so I don’t really talk about it in fear that I may be rude or inaccurate, but I definitely so heavily agree every time I see it. As for the anxiety disorder I’m not sure if I really have it but my anxiety is a pain and I am taking supplements and have started taking meds for it recently (fingers crossed those actually do anything helpful), but this is to say that I relate to Hajime a lot in those sort of moments and when you phrase it like that I realize it is probably because of the anxiety he experiences alongside his character beats. For Nagito I can say, “Yeah! Everybody makes such great points about him having Ocd! I really like that interpretation even if I don’t know about it as much,” and then with Hajime it’s like “Yes! This is canon to me I know about this and I say so and relate to him and it fits incredibly well!” :D

also lowkey I’ve been having that weird feeling where I miss them,,, and reading this has made me miss them less so thank you very much hehe I love Hajime and Nagito very much and agree with your points heavily, appreciate you sending this!

[scarlicbread27]

MARAUDERS GIRLS HCS!!

lily evans is a vegetarian; the idea of eating something that once lived makes her feel sick.

mary macdonald always wears colour coordinated outfits, there’s always that perfectly equal amount of colour and the colours always go together perfectly.

marlene mckinnon is a bedtime procrastinator, she rarely goes to bed on time.

mary 100% does pre-shower makeup and has been walked on multiple times whilst doing so (she tries to hide in the bathroom but marlene has a weak ass bladder so sometimes barges their way in lmao).

mary is the worst for education related procrastination (so real).

dorcas meadows has a variety of hair beads and will always match them with her outfits. bonus: marlene finds the way her beaded braids sway mesmerising.

lily loves pink but hates pink clothes.

mary is aromantic. she thought crushes were just people you randomly selected and has way too much fun pretending to romantically like people whom she actually just thinks are fit.

lily is demiromantic and has never understood hallway crushes

dorcas is partially deaf and is fluent in sign language (she wears pretty green hearing aids).

in third year, pandora actually frequents the hospital wing more than remus. it’s mostly because of all her experiments. progressively, the visits lessen as her experiments grow more and more successful (doesn’t stay that way..)

firm believer that pandora was a conspiracy theorist and disliked the usage of wands because she thought they were made to limit power. she began learning wandless magic in her free time.

lily was fucking powerful and a brilliant witch, but struggled heavily with the cultural aspects of the wizarding world because she was muggleborn. therefore, she started a casual tutor session for first year muggleborns so that they could get to grips with this new world and all it’s practices.

she/they marlene mckinnon supremacy!!

pandora was a ravenclaw and i refuse to accept the hc that she was a slytherin, it doesn’t fit with my idea of her character.

pandora is incredibly unorganised so dorcas made her a lil schedule <3. for the larger part, it was to help, but it was also for dorcas’ sanity.

adding onto that, ocd!dorcas. i feel like she’s so passionately against blood supremacy that she sometimes has intrusive thoughts in relation to it. plus, she loves the tidy and perfectly planned lifestyle because it gives her a sense of control and balance. marlene’s chaotic, careless personality was actually a massive factor in their whole enemies to lovers thing but she actually ended up being a big support for dorcas because they were always willing to help ease her irrational worries and fears.

[fullcollapse-mp3]

Yap the headcannons at me, please. I want to read

omg YAYYYY alright anyways

headcanons under the cut :33

Alex

ok so I feel like he is SOOO EMO like all he's plays in the car is fall out boy and everyone is SICK of it

this man is egotistical its crazy

like thought his script was so good

really good with fixing cameras and shit

literally the way him and jay met was jays camera was broke and alex offered to fix it

I feel like they all have a but of internalized homophobia but him and tim have it the worst imo

brian came out to him and he was like "don't try and flirt with me bro 🤨" and brian was like "I was not planning on it?"

bro is so bisexual its crazy

one of the main reasons he hired tim and brian was cause he thought they were cute

Brian

this one is probably gonna be one of the longest cause I have so many thoughts about him :,)

ocd (< I'm projecting)

because of said ocd this man can't drive

but when he does he drives like a fucking maniac

I feel like he just listens to whatever ppl have on in the car

so whenever you ask him to play music it's like a mix of jimmy eat world, country, and like. pop music

asks ppl out as a joke alllllll the time

cause of the yk. falling out of a window thing, his back is all fucked up

like it healed but it never really healed

he can walk and stuff but sometimes when the pain gets bad he has to use a wheelchair

how does he survive you may be asking? 1. the power of homosexuality. 2. because I said so

I also think he's gay and asexual btw

I have more but I don't want this to he TOO long :,))

Tim

diagnosed with autism at a very young age

this man cannot do eye contact to save his life

this might be a hot take but I don't think he listens to music at all

it's either country music or nothing

mostly nothing

grew up catholic so he has a lot of internalized homophobia

he figures it out tho :)

honestly hated alexs movie

he thought it was cool at first but then they actually started filming and he realized how stupid it was

him and brian talked shit about it all the time

I feel like the song alligator skin boots by mccafferty fits him SO WELL

homeschooled until he was like a freshman

Jay

also autistic

the definition of the meme "stares at you with my autistic eyes"

ok I know it doesn't line up timeline wise but I feel like he would LOVE mccafferty and the front bottoms

like look me dead in my eyeballs and tell me his favorite song isn't bottom by mccafferty 🤨

a FREAK no I will not be elaborating

I don't have any more for Jay very sorry 😔

I dont have many jay thoughts

ok thats it :33 this was actually sm fun

these are just the mh guys but honestly I have a bunch more for the regular creepypastas too sooooo

[klai-16xoxo]

Klai’s rambling and thoughts about Ep 3 of TBHX!

Warning SPOILERS!!

Man at this rate I would rather be a villain in TBHX than a damn hero!

Cuz- being a hero in that damn world is like a curse more than anything, you basically a slave of the people’s view of you!

Whatever they believe you are that what you are now and is in the literal and metaphorical sense cuz tell me why my poor Firm Man had to suffer never being able to bend down for years cuz the people thought of him a man who always stand tall and proud? That sweet and all but DAMN THAT SAD AND CRUAL FOR HIM!!! Why da fuck it has to be literal physical too??

AND somehow he never became a bad guy, I would have tweaked out after like- a two days or so if I were in his place!

But regardless I am glad that Lin ling did not have to take spot 10 by force and more than anything he saved Firm man from it and now is his burden to bear as much scary as that is… also seeing how his ocd getting worst by the day make me sad for him.

I truly hope he break free from the image of being “nice” and be allowed to be himself instead cu I truly don’t want my boy to completely be erased and just become a copy of nice 🥺😭

Also- FUUUUCCCCCK MOON NOOOO!!!

I am scared that the nightmare Lin Ling had of her dead was not just a random thing and actually a forshadowing to what may happen truly to her…

COME ON MAN SHE JUST GOTTEN FREE!!!

Anyway I have more to say but for now I will leave it at that, see ya all~

[bogkeep]

ranting about one (1) particular gender clinic moment from the past

this was like, several years ago (Because It Took Me Three Years To Get HRT) but i'm still thinking about it so often. there was the one particular consultation where i spoke to a lady who i think is the head doctor for the adult department of the gender clinic (i recently learnt that the head doctor for the children's department has been attending anti trans organisation meetings. hell world hell world hell world), she gave me a horrible powerpoint presentation and then quizzed me about my gender identity, in particular the question "what does being a man mean to you". i got so frustrated with this question i started crying, so that was very fun and not at all humiliating.

like, it's pretty widely acknowledged that to get any kind of treatment you have to basically give The Correct Answers which are probably not the Actual True Answers, which is a particular kind of hell for me who can't lie even when my life depends on it apparently - but at least i had spent hours upon hours talking with my friends who have gone through the torment nexus already to have an idea of what they were looking for. this question was a complete curveball, because i had NO idea what the fuck this lady wanted me to say. for one, it's not the Absolute Truth to say i'm a man, i'm much closer to having no gender at all, but the norwegian trans clinic does not treat non-binary people (as stated by The Horrible PowerPoint. and one of the other doctors i talked to who suspected i might not be binary enough kept telling me how irresponsible it would be to give me treatment even when i was literally crying and begging and swearing up and down i was 100% absolutely A Man. haha. hahaha! god that was so deeply horrible.)

for two, just. i am the worst possible person to take on this question. i'll have an easier time defining *art* than i'll have defining masculinity or femininity, and if you have ever tried to debate me on That, you KNOW what a horrible philosophical rabbit hole we're going down. like, what DID she want me to say? man is muscles and cars and sports ooga booga caveman??????? a man must Protect his Family and his Nation???? do i look like a fascist to you!!!!!!

maybe it was not intended as a deep philosophical question, maybe it was just a way of asking me what i hoped to achieve with my transition, except, i had already described those things. i had described those things to at least two other doctors by that point because all they ever wanted us to do was parrot our same talking points over and over and over so they could compare notes like a fucking interrogation. i asked her to explain what she meant with her question, and she gave me nothing.

maybe if my brain was not a labyrinth of ocd and autism i could have come up with a coherent and detailed Man Plan, but unfortunately my brain IS a labyrinth of ocd and autism i have to navigate every single day even when my thought feet ache with exhaustion. what being a man means to me means that i get to be myself in a way that's comfy to exist in!!! there's no other way to put it, i just want to live my life!!! i'm just here!!! i already am!!!!!! i'm just a person that exists in the world!!!!

all of this kind of feeds into the Larger discussion of like, finding Healthy Masculinity and Masculine Ideals and like. i get it, i get that twelve year old boys online are latching onto incels and right wingers and that whole cohort, i understand the Need for there to be cool aspirational dudes who don't wish violence upon women and minorities. but i get so tired of just the idea of having to constantly define what makes or breaks a gender. maybe it's rich coming from me, from someone who just admitted to not having one, and i know many find their gender Very important and i respect that so so much. but don't you get tired!!! don't you just wanna Be!!!! and i know we can't because we live in a goddamn fucking society but what if we could just vibe!!!!!! what if we could just follow our hearts and play around with presentation that feels right for who we are as people instead of having to play 4D chess against The Cis Perception Of Gender!! there are so many ways to have a body and it's nobody else's business what you do with yours!!!! ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

idk it's kind of like. when jehova's witnesses or other groups trying to evangelize at me about the importance of Following The Right Correct Path Of Jesus Christ and it makes me wonder, but why though. i'm already doing my best to be a decent person with the abilities and resources that i have. like it feels more productive for me to stick to that than to have to make it specifically about jesus. i think it's cool and all that jesus is a helpful concept to You, but he's not a helpful concept to Me. i think that's how i feel about trying to define a Healthy Masculinity. like sure we can write up some Healthy Masculine Ideals but ultimately i'm just gonna keep doing my thing. and like, i DO understand that people perceive genders differently and if i ever start passing as a man to strangers on the street i will have to take that into account for how i interact with the world around me. i know i can't traipse through society like a unicorn unaffected by material reality. though, i HAVE spent thirty years (and counting) being perceived as a cringe little girl doing womanhood wrong. my gender is but a stitch in the grand tapestry of who i am as a person. my foundational principles won't change with *gender*.

and Why would the burden on redefining masculinity fall on me specifically! like i don't even want to play this game! i never chose to live in a society of binary gender essentialism, and yet i was being given riddles to prove my commitment to it. buddy i don't want to explain what being a man means to me, i want to dismantle the entire concept down to its molecules!

[stelly38]

GET TO KNOW YOUR MUTUALS 💋

Thanks for tagging me, @yourfriendlyneighbourhoodsimp

What's the origin of your blog title?: It took me a while to arrive at 'The Boyfriend Blog.' This started out as a Poldark blog, but I have waaaay too many boyfriends to limit it. So I changed it.

OTP(s) + shipname: Ross and Demelza, of course. I think they're the only ones I ship.

Favorite color: The spectrum from green to teal.

Song stuck in your head: Drama! by Erasure

Weirdest habit/trait: My OCD-leaning habit of checking all door locks before I go to bed, or having to be able to recall actually locking the door behind me when I leave the house.

Hobbies: Movies, concerts, writing, photography, travel, noodling around with illustrator and photoshop.

If you work, what's your profession?: I'm the accidental florist.

If you could have any job you wish, what would it be?: Travel writer.

Something you're good at: art, despair, writing, cynicism, being a cat mom, rage, photography.

Something you collect: Grudges. Just kidding. I collect a bunch of stuff-rocks, plants, cats, stickers... too much stuff, really. I also collect grudges. If you piss me off, I will remember it forever.

Something you forget: Words. It's the perimenopause, and she's a fucking cunt.

What's your love language: People doing things for me.

Favorite movie/show: Too many to list, but, here's a cross section: Around the World in 80 Days, David Tennant edition; Six Feet Under, long time favorite; Spinal Tap, could watch it forever and ever.

Favorite animal: So many. Birds of many varieties, because they're so pretty. All cats. Every cat I've ever met. Turtles and frogs and toads and lizards-they're all cute.

What were you like as a child: Weird, depressed, tortured, bullied, and smart.

Favorite subject at school: History. Art. English. Science, until it got hard like with chemistry. Fuck that.

Least favorite subject: Math, pretty much all of it. And hard sciences that involve a lot of math.

What's your best character trait?: I'm funny.

What's your worst character trait?: You'd have to ask someone who knows me.

If you could change any detail of your life right now, what would it be?: To not live in this fuck-hole of a country.

If you could travel in time, who would you like to meet?: god, to ask him why he invented such a fucked-up species. Just kidding, I'm an atheist.

No pressure tags: @hampop , @c-sand , @pegleggysue , @chelebelleslair , @yearnerforturner , @anglophiletraveler , @londonista59

[hussyknee]

X

Fourth close friend blocked me. I didn't even do anything to her, she just hangs out with the other three.

I just wish one of them would explain why the way I behaved during the worst of my mental illness was enough to cancel out the years and years of friendship before that. I'm not saying it was justified, I'm saying I can't even remember half that year. I was dumped by my therapist unceremoniously, planning to commit suicide, bought equipment to do it, fought to be hospitalized for it, then fell out with my relatives after I asked them for help, went for six weeks of ECT on my own after which I still have large gaps in my memory, then my mother had a stroke and broke her hip and turned into an even worse abusive demon while draining all my savings. I had that fight with my best friend while disassociating for three days. And then my physical health deteriorated so much over the next year that I developed agoraphobia because I had been housebound so long. I blocked the fourth friend as much for her sake as mine because I was unstable and systematically burning down all my friendships.

The whole goddamn reason I busted up so bad with them was years of built up triggers from moral OCD that I had no idea I had in the first place. I fought against the obsessions and triggers for fucking years trying not to hurt them. And I was mostly successful because I only recall having a one big fight with my former best friend before all this. I don't blame her for anything because she really tried to stick it out with me until I fucked her up badly. But the other three didn't even try.

Like they don't have to be my friend, I know I burned us down, and I'm glad they walked away when they did. But why can't they at least talk to me one last time a year later before cutting off contact? Why don't all the years we were friends before I went quite literally insane matter?

This is probably really self-pitying and self-justifying again or something but I'm so tired of losing friendships to mental illnesses I didn't even know I had until after the fact. I'm so tired of having to work so goddamn hard to not become this horrible toxic person and failing because life won't cut me a single fucking break. I feel like I'm a bomb about to go off, like I'm fundamentally dangerous to know and an emotional vampire like my Mum. Things just seem to get worse every year and I keep losing more relationships, more health, more hope, more opportunities.

I can't kill myself now because my kittens need me but I wish I had gone through with it last year. I wish I could go back in time to when I first attempted fifteen years ago and go through with it. Staying alive hasn't been worth it and I have no hope it ever will be. When all else failed I used to be glad I did because of all the animals I was able to save, but now I think maybe death is the greatest gift this world can give anyone.