#obviously he has problems with other emotions lmao

[alexwilltellyouthings]

Rant (Thought About Edwin Payne Too Much Again):

Edwin may be the best one out of the main four in regards to dealing with his own anger. Isn't that something?

I mean, Crystal is constantly angry and letting it out in ways that hurt others or even herself. Niko gets angry at love and herself and thinks changing her whole personality is the answer instead of facing what she did wrong. Charles, well, duh.

But Edwin. We see him get worked up on episode one until he breaks down, says everything he needs about how the cases matter to him, and accepts the comfort that comes afterwards. From then on I think we don't see him get mad for a good while.

He gets annoyed of course, all the time, but that's just him. Anger, though? I can only remember the second instance being with the Cat King in the forest, shoving the bracelet in his face. Which he was brilliant to do, had every right to, stood up for himself and left.

He takes the anger when it comes, does something about it and lets it go. Something no one else seems to have learned how to do.

In conclusion: Edwin Payne, somehow the emotional role model of this fucked up little group

[bravevolunteer]

1:30am. plagued by thoughts of michael and everything going on in his tiny 10-13 year old head :(

[silent-sanctum]

"Jotaro Kujo is Weak at His Core"

As a writer and avid character psycho-analyzer, I find this concept fascinating because I wholeheartedly agree with what OP has quoted from a "What opinion would get the community to do this? *Insert Johnny getting torn apart*" post.

Before I begin, I know some people will see this, misread it, and immediately say "lmao did we watch the same show? He's strong, badass, and can kick anyone's ass. Like do you know Star Platinum bro?". Trust me, I've seen the replies to this post and they said this same exact thing.

And I'm here to say that to said people, if you truly are not the illiterates I'd like to term you as, you'd take the time to realize that when we say "he's weak", we're not referring to his physical prowess because we know he's one of the strongest characters in the show.

If you don't like to, then you're just proving the accuracy of the last sentence: "You can't stand seeing your edgy badass image of Jotaro as vulnerable."

Pushing that aside, I'd like to expand on OP's opinion/headcanon with some depth to it and explain how exactly he's "weak" outside of being a skilled and strategic fighter.

I've learned that to be holistically healthy, one needs to develop and maintain all optimal functions of oneself: Physical, Emotional, Social, and Mental.

Obviously, Jotaro excels in the physical category. He's conventionally attractive, taller than the average male population, well-defined with a muscled build, fit as hell, street and book smart, and highly in tune with his environment making him adaptable in any circumstance.

He's "strong" in that aspect we all know at a superficial level.

However, we start to see the core problem once we strip this good-hearted man of his physical appeal:

Emotional? He believes he doesn't need to express them to others because why should he. He refuses to process them and instead keeps them behind a locked wall of stoicism and aloofness.

Social? Can't communicate to save his life. He's reclusive and doesn't know how to socialize outside of work. Guarded and skeptical around others. Too much of a workaholic to bother making new acquaintances (if he even knows how) outside of familial connections.

Mental? At 17, he went on a death crusade over Asia and the Middle East, almost died numerous times, and most likely lived with unresolved PTSD that carried over into adulthood, and further deteriorated his already poor social and emotional skills.

What do we have then? If we look past that powerful exterior of a man, we have inappropriate emotional expression, poor socialization, and constant fatigue of dealing with bullshit that relates to his trauma.

And this is what we mean by his "core": His mindset. His inner machinations. The soft spot his enemies would need to target in order to defeat or kill him, strategy-wise.

I. Emotional

We pretty much already know how this man handles emotions. And this may come off as "irrelevant" to the dudebros and the meme riders who believe "haha feelings are for pussies, I advocate for edgy autistic Florida man who don't give a fuck, elopes with dolphins, and berates women".

But believe it or not, he has them, just like any other human being on the planet. I said it once and I'll say it again: Not everyone will wear their heart on their sleeves. Some will convey emotions publicly with no issue, while others would prefer to keep to themselves.

But how does this contribute to him being "weak" at his core?

Essentially, it's similar to how someone with depression may behave (not everyone, some of them). One may appear friendly, sunny, and bubbly to everyone around them, not knowing they're actually suffering from a void that eats them up from the inside when alone.

For his case, it may look like he doesn't care about what happens to him and everyone around him, considering his nonchalant and aloof behavior, but beneath that cold exterior, he cares way too much for his family, friends, and allies. He feels too much to the point where once his allies are endangered, he would sacrifice his well-being without a second thought.

And that's an issue to him.

To him, emotions make him vulnerable and in his circumstance where enemies are actively hunting him down trying to find his weak spots, his emotions should be kept behind doors because he doesn't know how to regulate it on the outside so it's either total stoicism or lashing out.

I found someone saying this line about him that fits him so well: "He's a good person who doesn't know how to be a good person."

This is a man who means well and truly wants to help out of the goodness of his heart, but because of his inability to convey his emotions properly and is unable to pick up emotional cues, it can lead to shit tons of misunderstandings due to inappropriate tone & expression, and that can change how someone views him in the long run, thus leading to unintended deterioration of personal relationships (which contribute to the social aspect of his weakness).

I found a visual representation of what I just said above. Just to give context: The show is about a married couple who struggles to keep their relationship afloat, having to navigate through family politics, work & life balance, and miscommunications so they could find why they loved each other in the first place.

The emotionally-reserved character here with the poor communication skills is the girl. She's a CEO who just received a call, came out from work, and meets with her husband, asking him to accompany her to a doctor's appointment.

Observe how she thinks she views herself VS how others actually view her as.

Other's POV: Demanding, brash, and insensitive Her POV: Anxious, hesitant, and confused

Now remember what Araki had written about Jotaro? "He doesn't believe he must reveal his emotions to others because he thinks everyone can figure him out, leading him to be a victim of misunderstandings. Others think him to be cold-hearted, rebellious, and insensitive."

II. Social

With emotions as our base foundation to poor communication skills, this leads us to his weak socialization aspect.

In a recent quote reblog about how he was raised as a child may have contributed to his tough persona, I mentioned something about his need of "Security".

Growing up, it was mostly just him and his sweet pacifist mother Holly. Joseph couldn't have visited often (he hates Japan) and his dad is a busy musician with a packed schedule on tour. As a kid up to early adolescence, he was coddled by his mother and raised as a good student. Everything was going great for him.

[In popular headcanon] Once he passed puberty, the change to his Part 3 MC era began. People began picking fights with him and bullying him, and he began to see the world as a threat to his safety. Knowing his mother, he wouldn't rely on her to defend him against these dangers. She was too kind, too friendly, too loving for her to deal with the harsh life he now has to deal with.

So he had to be the stronger one for both of them. He already had the physical attributes for it, so why not use it to his advantage?

He got on the popular delinquent trend back in 80's Japan, integrated a couple of cool masculine-esque personalities as his own from his favorite Western and Crime media, and is then able to project this menacing aura everyone should be afraid of, to ward potential threats away from him and his mother.

But Mijin, how does this make him weak? What does this have to do with his need for security?

Think about it: The poor guy's already introverted, doesn't feel comfortable with his emotions that he can't express properly, and now he has to be skeptical with people around him because he realized how shitty society can be, which leads to intimidation that wards off not only potential foes but potential friends as well, making it look like he's anti-social.

On the outside, people are likely to think that he likes being this way when in reality, he seeks a reliable support system on which he can lean onto. Everyone with a sound mind wants that subconsciously because we are social creatures. It's part of our nature.

He's constantly fearful of his surroundings, growing even more vigilant as he ages, but he doesn't look afraid because he chooses to put on a brave face to challenge said fears instead of acknowledging he's scared. I read somewhere in an ask that's not mine that in the manga, some panels actually depict Jotaro shaking/trembling in a mix of fear and adrenaline during some of his fights.

He wants to be around people who he can trust. People who he can lower his defenses with. People who are capable of protecting him just as he is capable of protecting them. People who can face his intimidating aura and challenge it to stand on equal grounds with him or to remind him of his place when he goes too far with certain things. Hence, why he seems comfortable being with the Crusaders.

For once, he wants to feel safe.

To not feel like he has to be this strong pillar of hope that everyone depends on.

To be someone being protected, instead of the other way around where he was always the strong protector. He wants a life of normalcy where he can just be a marine biologist and a professor with a loving family he can come home to.

But that can't happen. The inner circle of friends he counted on is either dead or far away, leaving him even more fearful of the world around him. This results in even more guarded skepticism, always watchful of who's an enemy Stand user and what their Stand could do. Because of his cautious nature, this leads to minimized socialization with others.

With little to no solid support system he can count on, he has no one he feels completely secure with because he believes danger will always come to hurt and/or kill those near him. He doesn't want to burden others with the issues & responsibilities of dealing with Stand users. He wants them to live the normal life he could no longer have.

He doesn't trust in the capabilities of his loved ones when it comes to defending themselves against the amount of potential threats and dangers he has faced, and yet he cares about them dearly. So, he commits to what seems to be the most practical solution in his mind: Self-Isolation.

To be a distant beacon where danger is attracted to and away from those dear to him.

(As we see in the beginning of Part 3 where he willingly locks himself in jail as soon as he sees himself as the threat, and in Part 6 where he stays away from his family once he realizes his enemies were targeting him).

"Your family is your weakness."

All this leads him to become what Araki always envisioned him to be: A lone hero.

III. Mental

Now onto the last part, this part of the essay will focus more on the popular headcanon the community has made about him: "Jotaro has PTSD."

Considering what he's been through at only 17, it would be no surprise that he'd acquired major trauma after those 50 days. Think about it- he gets injured more times than he can count, almost dies numerous times, sees his grandfather get "killed" in front of him, and all this combined with the constant reminder that his mother's life is also on a time limit. A failure to kill DIO meant a failure to save Holly.

The amount of pressure and risk he had to endure for her (and there will still be people who adamantly believe that he hated Holly because he said "bitch" to her twice in the first two episodes).

Now, remember when I said about him having this mentality of over-independence when dealing with stressors? It was still manageable during Stardust Crusaders, but because of what had transpired in Cairo, that mindset carries on to the rest of his adulthood, more so if we consider that he most likely didn't get any therapy or treatment for his trauma.

It might be normal for a teenager to hold onto this stubborn notion of "I can do this by myself" and be casual about it, but with trauma now involved, that notion warps into a persisting belief of "by doing this myself, no one else will get hurt" (i.e. refusing help, doing solo fieldwork, self-isolation).

But Mijin, you keep saying "mentality" this, "mindset" that. What are you talking about?

There's an old Tumblr post I found that talks specifically about this in great detail, but to put it shortly: Jotaro has always wanted to do things by himself because he believes that not only will the task be done with, there would be no one else involved with it, making it better for him to cope mentally if ever shit hits the fan (tying back to poor emotional expression and insecurity in bonds).

If any injuries were to be inflicted, he would be the one to receive them, and he alone, because who knows how he'll react and/or cope when his allies are harmed instead of him over and over again? (refer to the trauma of Jotaro surviving Cairo while the majority of the team that went with him died a.k.a "survivor's guilt")

(Also, refer to how he had exhibited great distress when Jolyne was about to be struck by a rain of knives that Pucci sent)

This might also be the reason why he's more self-sacrificial as an adult: Will be the bait during the rat episode instead of Josuke, takes the brunt of Sheer Heart Attack's explosion to spare Koichi, dives straight onto a path of bullets to save Jolyne, etc.

The only possible solution so he could snap out of that belief he holds on to is that strong, reliable support system he internally needs. People who can help him without sustaining fatal injuries in the process [social]. People who he can approach to release any pent-up frustrations and inner conflicts [emotional].

If he had found those people, then he might have been able to deal and/or cope with his trauma better instead of letting it linger and change his outlook in life [mental].

But we all know how his life went in canon. One moment he's a kid playing ball with his mother, then in his last, he dies by having his head bisected by a time-altering Stand.

Jotaro is a person with a gold heart and a rough exterior. Someone who wants to help and protect his loved ones from the unpredictability of the world the best that he can. But even then, his best wasn't enough. His fear was masked with an air of strength and capability, perhaps as compensation for everything else he lacked:

Adequate processing of emotions.

Stable connection with familial, platonic, and romantic bonds.

A sound mindset that stems from effective coping for his PTSD.

We could only hope in headcanon land that he had a better chance at life in the Ireneverse where he finally could develop his inner core better and get that long-deserved break he had always wanted.

[zukosdualdao]

so, this post was originally born from a post i saw a couple of months ago that was deriding people for criticizing katara’s main role in lok being a healer when that was never all she wanted to do but liking the scene where she heals zuko in sozin's comet. at the time i thought about responding directly and decided against it, but i have since scanned through transcripts of every instance (i could find; it's possible i could be missing something) of katara healing someone in the show and how they respond. (you know, like a normal and well-adjusted individual. lmao.)

anyway, aside from katara explicitly stating that she doesn’t only want to be a healer, another aspect of why people don’t like that this is how her story goes in lok is because of the way healing is treated in the atla narrative.

Katara: Aang, you're burned! Let me help you. [Katara heals the burn on Aang's arm.] Aang: Wow, that's good water. Sokka: When did you learn that? Katara: I guess I always knew. Sokka: [Sarcastically.] Oh ... Well then thanks for all the first aid over the years. Like when I fell into the greaseberry bramble. [Angrily.] Or that time I had two fishhooks in my thumb!

this comes, of course, after aang accidentally burns katara and she learns she can heal through her waterbending by healing her own hands. then (after comforting aang despite being the one who got hurt, not that i'm bitter), she heals aang after he gets burned in his fight with zhao. and like... there's not so much as a cursory thanks in this scene.

to be clear, because i can already hear some responses in my head and i am making a preemptive strike: i'm not saying that when other characters don't thank katara for her healing, they're like, the worst people ever for not doing so or there aren't other ways at different times where they show their appreciation. what i am saying is that it feels like this sets up a long pattern of katara's healing specifically being taken for granted, and it makes me especially uncomfortable when i see her healing as a sort of metaphorical parallel to the emotional labor often expected of her in the show, especially because this and being The Avatar's Girlfriend/Wife is more or less what she's relegated to in post-canon.

also, i have to note sokka's line here. i don't want to come down on him too hard for this, because it's obviously being written humorously (and does genuinely make me laugh, for what it's worth, if just for the inherent ridiculous nature of two fishhooks), but his sarcastically saying thanks for all the help over the years when katara says she always knew (which is supposed to be her saying it just somehow instinctively came to her) does feel like another mark in this pattern. but i also really read this as sokka trying to lighten the mood after a Difficult (TM) day, so i cut both him and the writers some slack for it.

Meanwhile, back at the Outer Wall, Katara attempts to heal a member of the Terra Team. General Sung: What's wrong with him? He doesn't look injured. Katara: His chi is blocked. [Stops healing.] Who did this to you?

i find it interesting that katara has sort of naturally fallen into a token team healer role, to the degree that we don't even see them ask for her help or her agree to it; it's just automatically assumed that she will. and i mean, on the one hand, it's fairly standard to have an Assumed Healer in a fantasy action setting like this, where people will get hurt in combat and therefore the narrative needs someone whose job is to help them. the problem for me is that the show kicked up such a fuss about how women shouldn't just be allowed to be healers, and yet it's still the role no one but katara ever fills. aang is also a waterbender! why couldn't she have taught him healing, too? i genuinely think it would have added a lot to the story, but katara is The Girl (TM), so healing is what she (and only she) does, what's expected of her, and again, with very rare thanks for it.

Katara stares open-mouthed at Jet, her hands hovering near her mouth in shock. Snapping out of it, she withdraws water from her water skin, with which she covers her hands, and it begins to glow as she kneels down next to him. Cut to a shot from over her shoulder, with Jet glancing at her while she rubs her hands over his chest in an attempt to heal him. After rubbing his chest three times, the glow fades, the water stains Jet's clothing, and Katara looks back over her shoulder toward the rest of the group. Katara: This isn't good. Smellerbee: You guys go and find Appa. We'll take care of Jet. Katara: We're not going to leave you. Longshot: There's no time. Just go. We'll take care of him. He's our leader. They stare at Longshot in surprise. Jet: Don't worry, Katara. I'll be fine. [Smiles a little.]

Cut to a closer shot of Katara placing Aang's body on Appa. Katara opens the vial around her neck and uses water healing on Aang's wounded back. The rest of Team Avatar, Kuei, and Bosco all look sadly and in anticipation. The glowing from the spirit water stops, and Katara starts crying, assuming that it was not enough to save Aang. Aang's tattoos glow for a second and Aang groans. Katara, overcome with joy that Aang is alive, looks at him, who smiles a little, and she holds him closer.

writing about these together because i have less to say about them. i'm definitely not going to fault jet for not thanking katara when she tries to heal him as he literally lay dying, or aang for not having the mind to do so after she brings him back. but i am still going to fault the narrative for putting her in a position where healing is just inherently expected from her and yet very rarely allowing her to feel the emotional toll of that or to feel constricted by it. and when she does struggle against the weight of it (not necessarily of being a healer, but of being expected to be kind and good and uncomplicated with no room for other aspects of her identity, which are very tangled up in why she is The Healer) in episodes like the runaway or in the southern raiders, she just... does not receive a lot of support from the people she should be most able to rely on.

Katara: Maybe we should go upstairs. [Helping Aang up.] You need a healing session. Back in Aang's room on the ship. Katara bends some water onto the scar left by Azula's lightning attack. Katara: Tell me where the pain feels most intense. Aang: Mmm, a little higher. Uhhh! Aang briefly flashes back to the battle at Old Ba Sing Se where he rose into the Avatar State, then back to reality. Aang: Wow, you're definitely in the right area there.

not much to say here, it's just another instance where it would have been so easy to slip one thank you in, and the writers just... do not. the reason i think it bothers me so much with aang specifically is because katara is supposed to be both aang's physical healer and his emotional crutch in a way that she's not written as being for, say, toph or sokka. he's sometimes shown appreciation for her emotional support, but he still comes to rely on and expect it in ways that do not always feel healthy, and knowing that, it bothers me that he shows even less appreciation for her healing, because it's just what katara is there for.

A figure resembling the Painted Lady glides over the water on a carpet of fog and enters the village. She steps into a hut where several people are sleeping on the floor, and bends over each of them in turn, healing them with a blue glow. Her last patient is the mother of the little boy seen earlier, her son sleeping at her side. He wakes as the Painted Lady turns to go and silently follows her out the door. Little boy: Thank you, Painted Lady.

this is a genuinely sweet scene in which katara does receive appreciation and genuine thanks for her healing, but i think it's also worth noting that katara is not being recognized as herself here. still, i am genuinely very glad that it's included in the episode because (again, unless i am missing something) it is the first time katara gets thanked for her healing.

The scene cuts to show Appa landing on the edge of the battlefield. Sokka and Katara help Hakoda onto the ground, and Katara starts trying to heal him. Katara: How does that feel, Dad? Hakoda: Ah, a little, better. I need, to get back to the troops. [Attempts to stand but is too weak to.] Ahh! Katara: You're hurt, badly. You can't fight anymore. Hakoda: Everyone's counting on me to lead this mission Katara, I won't let them down. [Attempts to stand again but can't.] Ahh! Sokka: Can't you heal him any faster?

they're in a high intensity situation, and sokka is Stressed because hakoda is supposed to lead the mission, so i, like, Get It, but "can't you heal him any faster?" does strike me as another moment in which katara's healing is being taken for granted. i think it's something that would bother me a lot less if this was an isolated incident in the writing, but *gestures vaguely at whole post*.

Sokka: [Brightening.] Dad! [Rising and approaching the two.] You're on your feet again. Hakoda: [Sitting down; somewhat weakly.] Thanks to your sister.

that being said, in the next hakoda and katara scene, there is this very sweet moment, where hakoda might not be thanking katara directly but is showing a lot of appreciation and admiration for her skill in healing (and though she's not in the dialogue i included, she's around to hear it, which makes me happy.)

Katara: It's gonna take a while for your feet to get better. [Stops healing.] I wish I could have worked on them sooner. Toph: Yeah, me too.

once again, i'm not gonna fault toph for wishing katara could have healed her feet sooner, because she's been in pain all night, but the writers could have very easily (as they could have in any of these scenes!) chosen to include a perfunctory 'thanks' here, and they just didn't. i know this is getting repetitive, but i swear it's because it's largely more me being mad at the writers than the characters, lmao.

there are also a couple of scenes in which katara doesn't heal anyone, but her healing gets brought up by aang.

Aang: He doesn't look sick. You okay, buddy? [Appa groans and Aang pulls out Appa's purple tongue.] His tongue is purple! That can't be good. Katara, can you heal him?

to be fair, aang asks here, and it's not like aang gets defensive or angry when katara says appa needs medicine (and also to be fair, appa's not even actually sick, lmao, katara's being slightly trickstery), but it's another instance where katara is automatically positioned as the person who is and should be responsible for healing.

Aang: [Chuckles.] Well, not over over. I mean there's always Katara and a little Spirit Water action, [Turns to Katara.] am I right? Katara: Actually, I used it all up after Azula shot you. Aang: [Disappointed.] Oh.

i actually don't mind this so much as a writing moment, as i think it's a lot more intentional wrt aang not always conceptualizing the reality of the violence he’s facing. still, it’s another instance of katara’s ability to heal and care for him being taken for granted, and i find it especially notable it’s in of the last significant moments they share together (the other being an argument as katara urges him not to run away from the reality of their situation with ozai) before they spend the rest of the finale separate until they’re kissing without a word at the end.

and then there is the zutara healing scene, where katara heals zuko after he interferes and takes azula’s lightning to the chest when she’s aiming for katara.

Cut to Katara as she rolls Zuko on to his back and begins healing him. Zuko opens his eyes, feeling the pain lessen, and smiles weakly at Katara, who smiles back as she sheds a tear.

Zuko: Thank you, Katara.

Katara: I think I'm the one who should be thanking you.

it seems fair to me to say that one of the reasons the motifs of healing in the zutara are dynamic are so appreciated by their fans is because of how it contrasts to a lot of moments where the work katara does with her healing is under-appreciated. for one thing, it happens as part of a mutual exchange—katara heals zuko after he gets hurt saving her. (this also somewhat calls back to their scenes together in the crystal caves in the tcod, where she offers to heal his scar after they are trapped together and zuko extends her empathy.) it’s based in reciprocity. it’s also, as shown here, one of the few moments of explicit, heartfelt appreciation and thanks given for katara’s healing.

[onceonafullmoon]

Mirror

Rin x GN!Reader

Comfort Angst, experiences of anxiety attacks, Reader and Rin are both kind of obsessive lmao, some threats of violence but nothing happens, established relationship and also merry christmas though this fic has nothing to do with that!!

“Speak for yourself. I’m perfectly logical.” He eventually retorts. You actually laugh at that, though it definitely sounds weak and shaky even to your own ears. “…stupid.” You say with a fond smile. “At least I can be honest with myself.”

It’s a sunny day as you watch your boyfriend on the field, his figure distant as you sit in the stands, watching him practice. The birds are chirping, a few fluffy clouds decorate the sky and the temperature is mild if not a bit warm… it’s a beautiful day. 

And you’re pissed off.

Not at him, almost never at him despite his oftentimes abrasive and harsh demeanor. But then again, you’ve always been exceptionally lenient when it comes to Rin.

No, the reason you’re pissed off isn’t because of Rin, rather it’s because of your own issues, your own stewing jealousy when a particularly pretty girl happened to confess her feelings to your handsome boyfriend in the form of a note in his locker.

Obviously, he rejected her, in that blunt way of his, but even then you couldn’t help but notice how he took the time to make sure he rejected her in person, still respecting her feelings despite the fact that he didn’t return them.

And it really shouldn’t bother you… but you’ve always been, unhinged, to say the least.

It’s hard to explain exactly, but, when it comes to the people in your life, when it comes to hobbies you have, anything that you’re passionate about, you tend to get absorbed in those things in a rather unhealthy way.

Like that time you dropped all your plans to cheer up your best friend when she was only mildly upset, or that time you watched a series and then made it your entire personality for a month straight… you’ve always been a tad obsessive.

And when it comes to you, it feels more juvenile to feel this way. 

It’s hard to explain, but you’ve always been more emotionally honest than Rin, and for that reason you feel like you come off as more needy. 

Or maybe that means you’re more emotionally mature.

Or not.

You don’t know, you hate going in circles like this, pacing around in your own mind. Sometimes you wonder if you were more like Rin and ignored your feelings it would be less annoying. But you suppose that self awareness is one of your strengths.

Although, you have to admit, self awareness is also a curse when you have to deal with your own negative emotions rather than having a philosophical discussion, which brings you back to your conflicting feelings.

You don’t like being jealous, no one does, but you feel especially icky about the types of thoughts it brings. You don’t like the fact that your first thought towards this girl was so negative, you don’t like the fact that you feel like a worse person because of that and you don’t like the fact that a very primal part of you wants to march over onto that field and kiss your boyfriend senseless for no reason other than to see his swollen lips afterwards.

Normally, you’d have no problem talking about your feelings with Rin, as emotionally closed off and brash as he is, but something about this makes you feel like you want to stick your head into a hole in the ground, much like an ostrich. Or, to put it plainly, you’re a mess and you’re losing your mind trying not to implode with all your emotions.

Imploding can wait though, you’ll dissect this when you get home, right now you’ll throw on a smile and talk to your boyfriend who you are most certainly not creating scenarios of sneaking off with this pretty girl with her stupid pretty smile and her dumbass cute hairstyle–

Right.

No imploding.

You sigh and shake your head, looking back at the field, watching as Rin begins to wrap up his practice and take that as your cue to make your way over to him after you hop off of your seat in the risers. 

As you near him you can make out his features more distinctly, the sharp curve of his jaw, the length of his under lashes, the pretty teal of his eyes… he’s stupidly handsome as always, and it makes you feel even more ticked off, though you do your best to suppress those thoughts.

“Hey, you.” You say with a smile, picking up his water bottle from the bench and tossing it his way as if practiced, and he catches it with ease, popping the cap off to take a drink, his eyes meeting yours.

To this day, you can’t tell if you hate making eye contact with him or if you adore it.

“...Hey.” He answers after swallowing, his gaze darting across your form.

You’re not entirely sure what he’s searching for, but you hope he doesn’t notice anything different in your demeanor. 

“I’d say you did good out there but I’d be lying if I implied I knew what I was looking for.” You say, in your usual slightly self-deprecating demeanor.

He scoffs, his eyes rolling slightly. “You don’t need to know anything, it’s me.”

Cocky bastard.

“That’s annoyingly cool of you to say.” You say with a small laugh. “I need to learn some one liners like that from you.”

“I wouldn’t bother trying.” He retorts, pushing his hair back in a move that nearly makes you choke on your saliva from how annoyingly good he looks before speaking again. “...how was your day?”

“Fine.” You answer almost too quickly, before pausing to elaborate.

“Just a regular day I mean, nothing extraordinary happened, unless you count the amount of times that I watched someone trip over that crack on the sidewalk.”

Rin furrows his brow. “What crack?”

“You haven’t seen it? It’s like right outside the window in homeroom, like right by the tree.”

“...is that what you’ve been paying attention to? Not the goddamn teacher?”

“Only sometimes! Besides, I’ve seen like five people almost eat shit, it’s entertaining in it’s own right.”

“You’re hopeless, this is the reason–”

You sigh. “Look, my grades are fine, I’m fine, let’s just move on instead of turning this into another stupid “see this is why you should focus more” speeches.”

He tilts his head at you, squinting like you’ve grown two heads, and you feel both annoyed and weirdly vulnerable under his analytical gaze. 

“What?” You ask, almost defensively.

“You…” He says with a small frown. “What’s wrong with you?”

You laugh, though it sounds more like a scoff, and this time it’s more out of a sense of disbelief. “Wow, okay, rude. Do you want my therapist’s notes or something, jackass?”

Immediately after the words leave your mouth you feel yourself regretting them. They’re juvenile, stupid and childish and you can feel your face grow warm. 

Great, you can’t even pretend right, what good are you?

His eyes narrow. “Maybe I do, maybe that’ll help me understand why you’re acting like–”

“Like a bitch?” You interrupt.

Oh gods. What are you doing? What is this?

He blinks at you, as if taken aback by your suggestion. “What the hell are you talking about?”

You close your mouth, feeling everything bubble up again inside you, the jealousy, the insecurities, the annoyance, the embarrassment, all of it is swirling inside you and suddenly it just feels like you’re choking on the weight of all of it, like it’s stuck in your throat.

It’s silent for a while, his hard gaze boring into you while you stand there, feeling like a complete idiot, chewing on your tongue while you try to find the will to speak. 

He sighs then, breaking the silence between the two of you before speaking again. “...talk to me.”

And you do. You do want to talk to him, whether it’s to brush him off, or to open up, anything would be fine, you just want to speak. But you can’t. 

There are too many thoughts, too many things piling up, but you just need to speak, just speak, speak–

He furrows his brow at the continued silence. “...if you have a problem, tell me, but if you’re just going to be childish and give me the silent treatment then this conversation is over.”

Childish? You’re not childish, you just can’t talk, it’s not your fault– 

Is it?

Is it your fault? 

Gods who are you kidding, of course it’s your fault, you can’t even fucking talk how pathetic is that? No wonder he’s looking at other girls you can barely even hold a goddamn conversation, not to mention, she’s so pretty and you’re not– maybe if you could just write some words down– but fucking hell you’re so childish, he’s right, you’re not ready for a relationship– all you have to do is say something– he must fucking hate you–

It’s only when you have to take a breath that you remember where you are, and Rin is staring at you with a look you haven’t seen before. 

Shocked maybe? 

But you don’t think you’ve done anything shocking, until you feel a warm tear roll down your face.

Ah shoot. You’re actually a moron, you’re crying. In front of him.

Come on, raise your hand, wipe away your tears, you’re fine. 

Move your fucking hand.

Move.

Just do something. Don’t just stand there.

You take a breath, wiping away your tears with your hand.

Good. Now speak.

“...” You part your lips shakily to speak. “I–”

A sob escapes your lips and you slap your hand over your mouth and turn away from him, letting the tears just stream down your face.

“Shit.” Rin says softly from behind you, and you distantly think that if you were watching from an outsider's perspective that this would be hilarious.

Okay, stop, calm down, breathe. You’re fine.

You let out another muffled sob as your breathing runs ragged.

Okay, no, you’re not fine.

“(Name).” Rin says, in a tone so soft you’re almost taken by surprise, and you can feel his presence behind you, closer than before.

He places his hand on your shoulder and gently turns you back to face him, and you notice through watery eyes that his water bottle is back on the bench. You’re not sure why you notice that, but you think it's because you can’t stand to make eye contact right now.

“Listen to me.” He murmurs, his voice soft yet firm. “Breathe slowly, in and out, okay?”

Right. You can do that. In and out.

It takes a few breaths, but eventually you manage to get to the point where your breathing is less rapid, and it’s then that you muster the courage to look him in the eyes again.

It’s a small relief to you that you don’t see any judgment in his eyes, just concern.

“...what’s wrong (Name)?”

It takes you a bit to respond, but you’re finally able to speak after you pull your hand from your mouth, looking at his water bottle again.

“...I’m… ashamed.” You say quietly, and the admission feels like you’re being stabbed in the gut.

“Ashamed?” Rin asks, furrowing his brow again. “Why are you ashamed?”

You don’t even want to begin to explain yourself, but you figure you might as well just get it over with. 

“... that girl, she confessed to you. I was jealous– I am jealous, and I feel stupid, because it’s embarrassing and I feel immature.”

He looks at you for a moment, really looks at you and then scoffs. 

“You’re…” He pauses and then looks at you, seemingly thinking better of his words before speaking again with a sigh. “...you’re too harsh on yourself.”

You simply shake your head. “No, it’s dumb, and I was mean to you and I was mean to that girl in my head and I shouldn’t have–”

“Then what about me?” He asks sharply.

“What?” You respond, looking back at him again, confusion taking over.

“I–” He starts before huffing out a breath, his cheeks turning pink as he looks away. “You think I’m any better? At least you have the decency to be ashamed.”

You blink, the quiet settling around you.

Well, thinking on it now, it’s not like you’re the only one who’s like that, you’re no stranger to how Rin methodically practices his skills everyday, the way his eyes narrow into a glare when he sees his brother on screen, how he scoffs at your best friend when she hugs you in greeting… he’s just as bad as you, isn’t he?

Obsessive.

Jealous.

“…we’re so silly, aren’t we?” You ask, breaking the silence between the two of you. “So intense all the time, so needlessly absorbed, too emotional… You’re everything I despise about myself, but I don’t hate you. Aren’t we so strange?”

Rin looks at you finally, a complicated look on his face, flickering through emotions.

“Speak for yourself. I’m perfectly logical.” He eventually retorts.

You actually laugh at that, though it definitely sounds weak and shaky even to your own ears.

“…stupid.” You say with a fond smile. “At least I can be honest with myself.”

You look at him for a moment.

“I like to think I’m good with words, at least when I’m not crying, but there’s so much I want to tell you that I can’t say in the way I want to… what on earth can I say to you?”

Rin looks at you, eyes boring into yours, but you can’t seem to find yourself to be intimidated this time. “Dumbass, you don’t need to say anything.”

You look at him, at his stupidly sweet soul that he tries to hide with harsh words, and let out a soft huff, uncharacteristically frustrated.

“…sometimes I want to hurt you, because you make me feel so much. I could rip you apart.”

Rin’s eyes widen, as if surprised by your words, and briefly you fear that you might have overstepped, before his eyes harden into a steely gaze.

“Idiot… you think you’re the only one who feels that way?”

You blink at his words, not expecting his response, much less how surprisingly honest it is. 

It’s… This is new.

You expect him to recoil from your words, from your emotions, from you. You expect him to leave. But his response, his understanding, it makes you so… emotional.

You take in a shaky breath, tearing up again.

His reaction to that is instantaneous, his eyes widening in shock, a flicker of regret in his gaze. A beat of silence lapses between you two before he speaks, his tone regretful.

“(Name)… I didn’t mean—”

“No.” You say immediately, though your voice is still shaky as you blink harshly.

“Don’t apologize. And don’t take it back.” You speak, your voice cracking. “I’m not scared. You get me, I get you… we’re a mess, but I’ll never find someone like you, and I don’t want to.”

You take a breath to steady yourself, before speaking again. 

“I’m gonna say something, and you don’t have to say it back.” You say, before speaking again, your voice soft but firm. “...I love you.”

You’re not sure what possessed you to say it, those words that have been lurking in you for so long, and you for a moment, seeing his startled face, you wonder if you might have scared him off, if you were moving too fast, or maybe–

“Dumbass.” He says with a soft scoff before cupping your face and pulling you into a kiss.

It’s always so tongue heavy with Rin, and you’ve had to coax him in the past to appreciate a sweet, chaste kiss every once in a while, but you find this time you don’t mind this time as he desperately presses his lips against yours.

It’s his own way of saying it back to you.

[exhelluvafan]

The thing that irritates me the most about Helluva Boss is the adamant need to waste any potential for depth in every character. The thing that stops me from abandoning this train wreck of a show and feeling total apathy for it is its wasted potential.

TOO MUCH FUCKING WASTED POTENTIAL.

And obviously, the elephant in the room, aka the blatant misogyny and double standards because viv is writing yaoi so the fans could consume the emotional uwu moments and porn. SO MUCH PORN DAMN IT.

And the thing that eats away at me is the characters such as stolas and stella had such an easy chance to be morphed into something so deep that the show could be a soap opera about their drama alone.

In my humble opinion, the Goetia demons shouldn't have been in this show at all. They belong in a show like Hazbin that's showcasing the upper echelon of hell. This should've been about IMP, but I'm not ripping that one bandaid off because the wound under it is a biohazard. Anyway, I wanted to offer a rewrite for the 😍 lovely poor uwu baby Stolas and his DEMON, BITCH OF A WIFE, Stella. (Yeah, the sarcasm's strong with this one)

First of all I love how her name means star 🌟. It ties in together nicely with the whole astrology aesthetic of the family. We're gonna ignore the born-to-be-a-bitch personality the show presented her as having and focus on what caused her issues.

First of all, she probably knew from a young age that she was going to be wed off into an arranged marriage (just like stolas), and she knew she had the responsibility of birthing an heir. That's going to affect how she views love and marriage in general. She'd see it as a transaction, that she can offer an heir and her body, and receive what she wants. I have no problem with her being a spoiled brat, a mean girl. In fact, take it up a notch. She can be both of that! She was probably given every materialistic thing she wanted since the day she was born other than love and affection. That probably made her narcissistic and selfish, with the "I get everything that I want and you can't stop me" attitude.

She's a party girl, and we stand for that. She seems to be very extroverted and outgoing, and that clashes with stolas' more subdued and introverted personality.

I see her as being EXTREMELY paranoid about appealing to the high society that she's a part of and keeping herself at the top of the food chain amongst other aristocrats, unlike stolas who only does it to keep face or avoid getting too much attention, she wants to be noticed ans seen. Her gossipy, high society friends also reinforce the fact that she never had normal friends who cared about her, and she never grew out of her mean girl phase.

I see her as someone with so much passion in her heart, and sadly, we had to see all that turned into rage. She has trouble controlling her temper and the constant rage that boils inside her, and she explodes and lashes out on people, especially stolas.

I see her going into a marriage with stolas with the same "I'll get what I want" attitude. He has power, money, and legions to his name, and he isn't necessarily bad looking. So stella is like, "Eh, might as well..."

He isn't her dream partner, but she goes into the marriage thinking she can mould him into her dream man. Or thinking he's meek enough to leave her on her own, or she could even manipulate him to do as she pleases. None of those go as planned, though.

.

.

.

I can lowky see her dragging him around as she shops and him just wanting to die inside, lol

Oh my, Anon, this quite a lot of words, but I actually really love your rewrite, I can see Stella actually watching Mean Girls while Stolas dies inside and just stares at the infinite lmao

But sadly, this is a Viv show, and you know that women in these kinds of shows aren't allowed to have any nuance beyond a one-note use or personality trait, unless they're stepping stools for the male cast, which in that case, they're allowed to have a bit more of depth, but not too much.

And yeah, actually, now that you mention it, the Goetia demons shouldn't have been in Helluva, if anything, they should've been shown on Hazbin, like you said, because we are following along a protagonist that was born in royalty (Charlie) and it would make a lot of sense to see the Goetia demons there, since it would be a royal meetup or something like that.

And lastly, about the porn... I can corroborate this since a lot of the designs made by Viv or by her team look... conventionally attractive, so conventional that's artificial and try hard at times, and also, pretty safe but sometimes pushing the limits a bit to pander to gay people (Vortex, Asmodeus and Satan, to name a few muscular characters that are quite popular, but also Moxxie, Chaz and Striker, also popular in the gay side of the fandom) but it always boils down to the same purpose: to get people horny, and this is exemplified so painfully clear when Loona shook her ass towards the camera in one of the episodes, turning out to be shameless furry bait, and when I say that these shows are gooning and softcore porn shows, it's because of deliberate shit like this.

But alas, thanks for your input, Anon, it's greatly appreciated and it's quite the palette cleanser to see someone competent pick up Viv's mess and restructure it into something actually compelling and nuanced.

[punkeropercyjackson]

I really resent the idea Hobie isn't traumatized or has no mental health problems/emotional issues because he's so clearly an allegory for the adultification of black kids(and therefore actually one)like how Gwen is obviously an allegory for trans girls(and therefore actually one).The most you'll get out of Atsv fans on it is 'he grew up too fast' but they never go in depth into how much it must've hurt him and who hurt him.Society as a whole,no duh,but in the comics,he's implied to be an orphan and the only incarnations we have of his parents are his dad abandoning him as a baby and his mom turning abusive over it.That's what adultification,objectively,is-Child abuse.Hobie's not 'practically an adult',he is mentally and physically a minor and he was robbed of the right to be one nonstop,systematically.He had to fight for his right to exist,he has to fight for others right to exist and he dosen't really get to rest and just feel like a real kid all that often.Plus,realistically,Hobie isn't looked on positively in his world and that would do damage to anybody's self-eestem as a highly profilic public figure but especially to a black child and while he's the coolest ever the whole time,i can't buy he's always known that and i'll bet he was told the opposite by other kids growing up and how socially awkward he is sometimes makes me think his number of friends wasn't all that high and a common experience amongst alt/punk black kids is isolation and bullying from other children for being 'weird' and there's the confirmation he used to be homeless before his houseboat so the orphan status seems to be carried over to this take on him too

I know he wasn't onscreen for as long as Gwen so i don't fault people for not recognizing this and focusing moreso on her explicit traumatic experiences,moreover since it tends to involve him comforting her and i'm a sucker for troubled kid solidarity and romance,most of all since this one is canonically t4t and possibly transmasc4transfem specifically and even punk4punk too instead of them 'he was a punk,she did ballet' poserpills

Still,lack of screentime never stopped anyone for making up tons of tragic aus for Pavitr and even The Spot and erasing Jefferson and Rio to do with them Miles too as if Miles G dosen't exist and pulled it off infinitely better than any fanon alternative universe Miles i've ever encountered.This is going to get some people tweaking too but this is also exactly why i hate No.irpunk and even the platonic concept of Hobie instantly respecting Noir.Hobie has much more street cred than Noir and way heavier trauma and Noir isn't even punk-He's an antifa but punk is a culture,not just an ideology and i find it an unearned superiority complex N/H shippers will disregard Hobie's actual romantic chemistry with Gwen based on her loving him for who he is and giving somebody to bond over mutual interests with and heal his inner child in the process to say he should be a freedom fighter and nothing more,as if he's not a 17 year old black boy and Noir very,VERY likely a middle aged white man who's culture(not punk)(judaism)is against pedophillic relathionships as a religious rule.There's no evidence for Hobie being an adult but there's plenty borderline text saying he's an adultified black teenager and i wish it was spoken on instead of performative 'lmao fuck captalism' jokes as you buy official Atsv merch and stereotyped sexualization over a character who never got to grow up,not as a 'real kid' nor enough to be in the proper headspace to explore his sexuality as openly as a normal teen

[callsign-rogueone]

part of the family - d.a.

Dain Aetos x marked!reader The marked ones have been your only family since your parents were executed — until now. [request] words: 3.7k 🏷: IRON FLAME SPOILERS. she/her afab reader in an established (but secret) relationship with Dain, descriptions of fainting and loss of vision, talk of contraceptives, periods, and pregnancy, you love Dain but he still has his problems (you’ll see), featuring bestie Bodhi (who is the captain of this ship lmao) and older (foster) bro Garrick. went totally overboard on this one but like. girl dad dain 🥺🥰

You slip into the meeting quietly, pressing yourself against the wall -- most assembly gatherings are open to any who wish to attend, but you’d rather them not know you’re here. 

Xaden stands before the elders, in the thick of an argument that is very obviously about Dain.

“He’s clearly here as a spy. Why else would he side with us?”

You can’t hold back your response. “Because I showed him everything. Resson, Liam, the wyvern, the fliers, the dagger drops… all of it.”

So much for staying incognito. All heads turn to you, different emotions on their faces. Xaden looks as if you’ve stabbed him. Two of the elders look like they want to kill you where you stand. You can’t quite read the look on Brennan’s face. 

“I say we confine her with him,” one says, eyeing you with contempt. “She is clearly a danger to the movement, if she was willing to take such a risk.”

You step forward to address them properly. “It was a calculated risk,” you say carefully. “Of all the marked Tyrrish, I am the one he trusts most. And I was prepared to kill him, had he not changed his mind about us.”

“Does he know that?” Xaden asks.

“No,” you answer, ashamed. You still don’t know if you could have gone through with it — could have lifted the dagger you’d held behind your back while he watched the last year’s events through your eyes and struck true, stopped the heart of the man you love.

Acid rises in your throat at the thought. You swallow it back down, continuing. “He may have hurt us in the past, but he was not raised as we were. A hundred others we brought with us can attest to the history that he was taught, the side of the story he was led to believe until I showed him otherwise.”

The assembly is silent.

You lower your head, unable to look at them. “Lock me up if you wish, kill me if you must. All I ask is that you spare his life.”

Brennan is the first to soften — he knows Dain, regarded him as a younger brother for years. That and the fact that you’re willing to die for the boy is evidence enough for him. “Very well. He may join the rest of us and keep his position as wingleader.”

Nobody dares to disagree with him.

“Thank you,” you say quietly. You bow to them, taking your leave.

It’s easy enough to swipe a plate of food from the kitchens, carrying it up to the room Dain has been locked in all weekend. The guard posted outside sees the mark on your arm, letting you enter without question. 

At least two people in this fortress still trust you.

Dain’s head snaps up when the door opens, visibly relaxing as he sees it’s you.

You set the plate aside, moving to embrace him for the first time in days.

“Hi, my love,” he says softly, wrapping his arms around you.

“Hi,” you sniff, eyes watering.

You had told the assembly that you were prepared to kill him, but now that you’re in his arms, you know that you could never do anything to hurt him, no matter what he had decided.

Your tears are falling steadily now — you’ve cried nearly every day these last few weeks, constantly overwhelmed with emotion. You climb into his lap, needing him close. 

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” he soothes, resting his hand on the side of your neck and stroking his thumb over your pulse. This is the closest he’ll come to touching your face since the night he discovered his signet — save for the other day, when you’d taken his hand in yours and pressed it to your cheek, showing him everything.

You’d cracked open your heart for him, spread it onto the table and let him see it all, and he had stood and watched, seen the other side of the story. It had hurt him then, to realize that you’d hidden all of this from him for almost two years, but the warm saltwater dripping onto his hand had snapped him out of it quickly.

He wants to dry your tears again now, to brush them away with a gentle sweep of his finger, but he won’t cross that line with you again. He can’t.

“I love you,” he says softly.

“I love you too,” you answer, rubbing at your eyes with the back of your hand.

He shushes you softly, holding you closer. There’s a moment of calm quiet, the two of you just breathing each other in.

“I told them,” you say in a cracked whisper, unable to keep it from him any longer. “I told the assembly that I showed you everything.”

His eyes widen. “Why did you…?”

“I couldn’t stand silent while they talked about you that way. I convinced them that you are truly our ally, that it wasn’t your fault that you were taught only one side of the story.”

He leans down to rest his forehead against yours, your noses brushing. “Thank you.”

“Thank you,” you reply. “For doing the right thing. I don’t think I could have bared to leave without you.”

He smiles softly. “I would follow you anywhere, my love.”

-------------------------------------------------------

You are so sick of this hike, and you aren’t even halfway done. For team-building, the leadership had said. Yeah, right. You feel like you’ve been herding a pack of wild animals all morning.

“If we press on for twenty minutes, there’s another flat section,” Bodhi explains, showing you the map that Brennan had given you.

You can’t hear the rest of his explanation through the ringing in your ears, the map blurring at the edges. You blink rapidly, trying to clear your vision, but it’s no use — the tiny black spots won’t go away.

“Hey,” Bodhi prods, waving a hand, “are you hearing me?”

“Give me a minute,” you pant, reaching out to touch the wall of rock behind you. Your legs feel too heavy, your upper body too light — your heart is racing, but the beats feel too shallow. 

Something is wrong.

“You should sit,” he and your dragon offer at once.

You shift your left leg, moving to lower yourself to the ground, and the black spots grow until you can’t see anything. You lose the last of your balance, crumpling into the dirt.

Bodhi stops your head from hitting the rocks just in time.

-------------------------------------------------------

You don’t remember how you got here, nor much of the physical exam; don’t know if it took five minutes or an hour, but the healer is incredibly gentle with you; speaking softly, giving you water to drink and medicine to take, encouraging you to rest.

You shut your eyes, but you can’t bring yourself to sleep, not when the rest of your friends are still out climbing that mountain, crossing a trail littered with death traps. 

“They’re doing just fine,” Cosa soothes. “They’ll be back faster if you sleep.”

You feel much better when you wake up. 

The sun is starting to set. You must have been out for hours.

The healer comes back a few minutes later with Dain in tow. You reach for him instantly, relieved to see him in one piece. He stands at the side of the bed, wrapping an arm around you and letting you lean into his side.

“It could be a circulation issue, but since it hasn’t happened before, I’d say it was likely just dehydration and overexertion,” the healer explains.

That’s probably it. You were too busy making sure your section was moving quickly enough, that they were avoiding the traps and staying out of trouble. You’d spent your two rest breaks preventing the riders and fliers from coming to blows, having to physically restrain one of the first-years. Your jaw still aches from where you’d taken an elbow to the face in the process.

“There’s another thing,” she says, hesitating as she looks between you and Dain, appearing to debate if she can say this in front of him -- whatever it is, it clearly isn’t good.

Dain takes your hand in his, intertwining your fingers and looking up at her, waiting.

You nod in permission.

She overcomes her nerves, spitting it out. “You’re… expecting.”

The air in the room stills completely as you take in the information, the soft tick of the clock on the wall the only indication that time hasn’t frozen solid.

“I’ll give you two a minute,” she says quietly, darting out of the room and shutting the door behind her.

You still haven’t moved. You’ve forgotten how to speak.

“Breathe, love,” Dain soothes, rubbing your back. The warmth of his hand brings you out of your stunned haze.

You take in a lungful of air, letting it out slowly.

There’s no denying it, no pleading innocence or wondering how this could have possibly happened — it makes total sense, even through your dull headache and the fog still clouding your mind.

You’ve spent two nights a week in his bed for the last year and a half, and you haven’t had one cup of contraceptive tea since you arrived at Riorson house, or in the month before that either — you’d been out in the field every weekend for your third-year classes.

You’d missed a period or two, but you had chalked it up to the stress of your responsibilities as a section leader and the final straws that had led half the quadrant to desert with you. It would definitely not have been the first time that Basgiath had messed with your cycle; hardly any of the girls in your year got their period until after Threshing.

“Talk to me,” Dain coaxes quietly, looking at you with softness in his eyes.

“Why are you not freaking out right now?” You ask after a moment.

He manages a soft laugh. “I am, but I know you are too, and I’m more worried about you right now.”

You blow out a breath. “I don’t know how we’re gonna do this. None of our friends have kids. My parents are dead, and yours…”

“Have probably already disowned me for being here,” he finishes for you, shrugging, but you can tell it hurts.

“I’m so sorry,” you whisper, guilt tugging at you. Had he stayed behind, he would have been able to keep them, he’d still have the thing you’ve desired most for six years now.

But then you’d be completely alone in raising this child.

The thought sends a sharp spike of fear into your chest. You’ve already lost so many friends in your two years at Basgiath, and you’re headed straight for a war, fighting against dark magic that none of you really understand. What if Dain doesn’t make it through?

“We’ll figure it out,” he reassures you, “together.”

-------------------------------------------------------

Dain doesn’t leave your side all night, keeping one hand on you whenever he can. He treats you like a princess, going so far as to kneel down to lace your boots for you in the morning, despite your quiet insistence that you could do it yourself.

You’re prepared to resume your usual routine; strict professionalism by day, gentle words and soft touches after dark, but he takes your hand, walking down the hall with you to the mess for breakfast.

You get shocked looks from a few of your classmates, but it’s nice being able to be seen with him for once instead of keeping the two of you a secret. Not that you’d be able to for very much longer, anyway — two is quickly going to become three.

It takes all of five minutes for your friends to spot you.

“I called it!” Bodhi exclaims, elbowing Imogen.

“I already knew,” Imogen says, unamused.

You’re deathly still, heart racing. 

Dain rests a hand on your lower back as he speaks. “Knew what?”

“About you two hooking up. Do you have any idea how many times you idiots have shown up to morning formation with your shoes untied, wearing each other’s knives?”

You laugh at her bluntness — you thought you’d been slick, always arriving to class five minutes apart and from different directions, avoiding eye contact at all costs… evidently not.

“You two look good together,” Bodhi decides. “It’s weird, but it’s cute.”

You sigh in relief. Bodhi is the one that you knew you could count on to be nice about this; the one you’ve wanted to tell about you and Dain for months now.

Dain blinks. “Why are you guys being so chill right now?”

“Do you not want me to be chill?” Imogen challenges, raising an eyebrow.

“No, I just… I was expecting the shovel talk. You know, the whole “I’ve got a sword and a shovel and I know how to use both” thing?”

“Oh, that’s Garrick’s job,” she supplies, almost too cheerfully. “And I think he’ll be a little more detailed than that.”

Dain pales, realizing that your foster brother likely won’t be as calm about this as your friends — and that there’s another very important thing that you’ll have to tell him, too.

You laugh, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Don’t worry, love. I’ll be there to hold him back.”

Imogen nearly gags at the sight, but straightens her face quickly enough. “I’m just glad you’re okay.” 

“Me too,” you respond, smiling for the first time this week.

Maybe this won’t go as terribly as you’d thought.

-------------------------------------------------------

Word travels fast in the rider’s quadrant.

Garrick approaches you in the main hall that afternoon.

You begin the speech you’d rehearsed in your head all morning. “I need to talk to you about something. I-”

He raises a hand, and you fall silent. “Bo already told me, and he made sure I was unarmed for this conversation.”

You let out a sigh of relief — he’s missing his two longswords and the array of daggers he normally keeps strapped to his body. 

If you survive the next seven months, you’ll name Bodhi the kid’s godfather for this act alone.

You still place yourself in front of Dain as subtly as you can as Garrick starts a speech of his own. 

“You’re an adult, and you can make your own decisions. It’s not my place to tell you what to do off the battlefield. Even if I did, I know you wouldn’t hear it. You’ve always been your own person; it’s one of the things I admire about you.” 

You’re actually touched.

“Do you love him?” He asks, looking over at the wingleader, who has remained uncharacteristically silent, probably too terrified to speak. 

“I do,” you answer, smiling softly. “I have for two years now.”

Garrick believes you. 

It’s clear that the words pain him, but he says them anyway; “Welcome to the family, Aetos.”

Dain extends a hand to shake. “Thank you.”

Garrick takes it, gripping it hard enough to hurt as he tugs him forward, clapping his other hand onto the younger man’s shoulder. “Know that if you ever do anything to hurt her, you’ll be answering to me and me alone.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Dain says, and the Lieutenant knows that he means it. 

Garrick leaves before you can work up the courage to tell him the other news.

-------------------------------------------------------

Dozens of riders pass by, ready to head to the flight field and assume their positions — but Dain keeps you locked in place.

“You really expect me to stand idle while you and all of our friends fight for their lives? I should be out there with them!” You huff. You’re ready to fight, fully dressed and heavily armed, and you couldn’t give a damn what he thinks.

“Absolutely not,” Dain says. “I won’t let you risk it.”

You bristle. “That isn’t your call, and you know it!”

“What are you two bickering about at this hour?” Garrick asks, one eyebrow raised.

You cross your arms over your chest, looking at your brother like a child tattling to their schoolteacher. “Please explain to the wingleader that we’re at war, and that he can’t just bench me whenever he feels like it. I’m a grown woman, and I can decide what is and isn’t safe for myself.”

“But it isn’t just you we’re talking about here,” Dain says quietly, genuine hurt in his voice.

You’re silent. Dain has a point — you don’t want to admit it, but he has a point. 

Garrick doesn’t follow. “What is he going on about?”

Dain looks at you, standing his ground. “If you won’t tell him, I will.”

Your heart drops. Is he really going to force your hand here?

You have to tell Garrick eventually — you can’t keep this a secret much longer. You decide to rip the bandage off, turning to face your foster brother, though you can’t seem to raise your voice above a whisper as you speak. “Please don’t freak out, but…”

His eyes drop to the hand you have placed over your stomach, a nervous habit you’ve developed in the last week, and he puts it together before you can say the words aloud, lunging toward Dain — he’s going to kill him.

You jump between them, wrapping your arms around Garrick tightly and planting your feet to the floor, pushing him back.

He relaxes at your touch, unfolding the fist that was aimed for Dain’s jaw and resting his hand flat on your back; he could never hurt you, especially not now.

“Please don’t be mad at him,” you say into his shoulder, your eyes still squeezed shut. “This is as much my fault as it is his. We’re both adults, we knew that this could happen, but we acted anyway, and now we’re facing the consequences, together.”

Dain nods in agreement behind you. “I have every intention of marrying your sister and spending the rest of my life with her after this is over.”

You turn back to look at him, stunned. 

He's never told you that before. You’d never discussed life beyond graduation — had lost too many of your friends over the years to make any promises about the future, and there was never any guarantee that you’d be stationed together after graduating, either.

“If she’ll have me, that is,” he adds, nervous.

You nod, letting go of Garrick and moving to hug Dain, hiding your face in his neck.

“Are you… crying?” Garrick asks.

“Of course I’m crying,” you sniff. “It’s the hormones.”

Dain laughs, wrapping his arms around you and pressing a kiss to your temple. “I love you, and I’m sorry for overreacting. If you want to fight with us, I won’t stop you.”

“Love you too,” you say quietly.

“Holy shit,” Bodhi breathes from across the room. “I’m gonna be an uncle?”

Oh, gods.

“Congratulations,” he grins at you before running off. “Hey guys! Guess what?”

Three seconds pass, and then there’s a loud “What the fuck?” from down the hall — that can only be Imogen. 

You laugh through your tears as the ruckus continues, the rest of the marked ones reacting to the news one by one.

“At least we won’t have to tell everyone ourselves,” Dain jokes, still holding you. “Bodhi will have informed the entire army by noon.”

Garrick shakes his head, laughing too, but he sobers up quickly enough. “The circumstances may be shitty, but this kid is going to have two dozen aunts and uncles who will protect them with their life.”

“And a riot of dragons,” Cosa adds. “We will care for your young like one of ours.”

Dain is right -- you’ll figure this out together; all of you.

-------------------------------------------------------

“A perfect baby girl,” the older of the two healers tells you, smiling warmly.

You sigh in relief, resting back against the pillows and loosening your grip on Dain’s hand. 

He presses a kiss to your sweaty forehead, murmuring soft praises; how strong you are, how amazing you were…

“Hi, pretty girl,” the healer coos down at her. “Let’s meet mom and dad, hm?” 

It finally sets in for both of you, that you two are mom and dad now — you’re parents.

She slowly transfers the babe into your arms. You’ve never held anything this carefully in your life; afraid to move or breathe, utterly silent.

A tiny hand wiggles free from the blanket, fingers grasping at the air.

“She’s so little,” Dain whispers in awe, extending a finger. She’s quick to wrap her hand around it, latching on to him.

He looks like he’s going to cry.

“She’s not marked,” you breathe.

You’re the first of the marked ones to have a child of your own, and while you knew it was probably irrational, your biggest worry over the last six months — aside from the venin and wyvern or anything terrible happening to you or your friends — was that you would somehow pass down your relic to her, that she would live her whole life with others instantly assuming the worst of her.

“She’s free to be whatever she wants to be,” Dain says, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “She won’t be forced into conscription like we were.”

You still haven’t decided on a name -- until now.

“Saoirse Álainn,” you say softly. “It means beautiful freedom, in the old language.”

“Saoirse Álainn,” he repeats, still gazing down at her. “I like that.”

She’s beautiful indeed — the best of both of you; the gentle warmth of her father’s skin and a dusting of his dark brown hair, your eyes and nose.

“Thank you,” he says quietly, “for showing me that what I’d been taught was wrong, and giving me the greatest gift I could ever ask for.”

You can’t help but melt into him, the exhaustion finally starting to overtake you. It’s been a long night — you’d woken up around two in the morning and realized what was happening, quickly rousing Dain, who carried you down here. It’s almost noon now, soft June sun filtering through the drapes.

“I got her. You should sleep.”

He takes Saorise from you gently, careful to support her head like the healers had taught you as he cradles her in his arms. 

The tiny girl makes a soft sound of complaint at the movement, but quickly relaxes, content to fall asleep against his chest. 

“Get some rest, my girls,” he whispers. “I’ll be here when you wake.”

[cowboylikeyouu]

why does everybody hate mcu clint so much??? i’ve read his comics but i still love jeremy renner’s portrayal of him and stuff :(

like i can understand being disappointed in some ways about how the character was changed for the movies, but i can’t understood all the hate for him

for me, personally, it's not that mcu clint is a bad character per se, it's really just the fact that he doesn't feel like clint barton. give him any other name and he's a fine character, but compare him to comic clint and they're in NO WAY the same person.

on one hand you have that responsible, serious husband and well adjusted father of three, who cracks a joke here and there but takes everything pretty serious most of the time, who has his life under control, while everyone else on the team is a mess. he doesn't have that much of a personality, no weird habits or (dis)likes, he really fades in comparison to other team members like tony, who's lines are always on point and who gets a back story and everything.

on the other hand there's this 6'3" disaster of a human being, who lives for coffee, dogs, tv shows and nothing else, is obsessed with purple for no reason at all, grew up in a circus after he escaped his abusive dad, can't take anything seriously and cracks the funniest joke all the fucking time, even makes fun of captain america on a regular basis (at least in the early avengers comics), runs away from himself and responsibility, fucks up nearly all of his relationships because he really sucks at emotions, but then forms those really precious bonds with people like kate, and who's just kind of an asshole really, but simultaneously a fucking ray of sunshine. plus he's deaf and we always love some representation. oh, and mcu clint is like the straightest guy ever, and then there's comic clint who is just so easy to headcanon as this bisexual disaster, and we all know how much fandom loves a queer coded character.

so, the mcu basically took away every fun part of the awesome character that is clint barton and it SUCKS. i really don't hate movie clint as his own character, i just hate hate HATE the fact that he's supposed to be THE clint barton because he IS NOT, and he'll never be. i'm sorry, but jeremy renner just can't pull it off, i'll never understand how they saw bigger-than-steve, blond-mess, purple-loving, coffee-addict comic clint and where like: "oh yeah, let's cast 5' 9" jeremy renner and give his character a huge, healthy family, and no mental health problems, that's just perfect😍"

it's just so sad to be aware of the awesomeness of comic clint and then watch the movies because you're constantly thinking "oh what could've been..." if they did comic accurate movie clint, he'd definitely be a fan-favourite and we'd have tons of edits, and ships, and merchandise, but NO, most mcu fans just forget about him or don't find him special or entertaining (bc his mcu version really really isn't) and he gets left out of all the casual merchandise you can find in random shops (i literally have an album on my phone that's dedicated to photos i took of cheap avengers merchandise with the "o6" avengers sans clint lmao)

you're obviously allowed to love movie clint and jeremy's portrayal, that's great!!! i was an mcu fan way before i even knew just how different comic clint was, and i loved mcu clint so much back then! but after reading the comics and thousands of fanfiction, i'm just really really angry that there isn't a good live action on screen representation of my all time favourite fictional character, and i think many people feel the same :(

okay, i think i'm done lmao.

anyways, shout out to avengers assemble clint, my one true love <3 the mcu should take notes.

[faerise-fae]

Not really a marauders character but: Tom Riddle #20!

YAPPING WARNING ABOUT ASPD TOM RIDDLE AGAIN

Ok so sorry for taking so long to do this, but my brain crashes every time i try to think about something that isn't obvious or just fucking boring. BUT I REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH YALL SO GIVE ME YOUR THOUGHTS

The hill I'll die on is that he is an ASPD baddie, tho I bet he would prefer thinking about himself as sociopath, as edgy teens do. It doesn't mean I think he is totally emotionless, i think he is very emotional. Just not empathetic? This man is purely driven by his emotions from the start. Be it fear of death, resentment, and hatred towards Dumbledore or just general anger directed at the stupidity of the wizarding nation. In ASPD it's just that the intensity of expression of those emotions is different. He can look totally put together and like an oasis of peace, but inside planning whatever insanities only he can think of.

Because the thing is, anger issues are not rare in ASPD. ASPD is associated with impulsiveness and violent or risky behaviours, which can result in lashing out in anger. It's just that when you don't have many emotions to begin with, controlling the stronger ones can be difficult.

People have very different headcanons about him in that matter, i see a lot of totally stoic, calculating tom riddle who doesn't have absolutely any emotions and stuff like this, but I really can't see it. My man is a dramatic, cruel, entitled and IMPULSIVE edgelord BUT:

HOT TAKE #1:

Canon Tom Riddle headcanonned himself as fanon Tom Riddle.

He might have thought of himself as emotionless, but he just didn't acknowledge it. Growing up in an unstable environment, he hadn't learned how to stabilize himself.

Because ASPD is partialy caused by genetics, yes. But a very big factor in developing it is childhood and home life. We can agree his was very unstable, he has probably witnessed violence and definitely experienced emotional neglect. ASPD is all about lack of security. Its defence mechanism. That means:

My man just doesn't know how to cope, LMAO. When it was too much even for him to stuff into the back of his brain, he just lashed out. Acting on impulses was his relief from it. Adrenaline from it also helped to mute his feelings.

But at the same time, he just didn't think of himself as unreasonable. "It was never his fault, he was just provoked!" He also didn't feel guilty about causing harm to others because he didn't have any empathetic feelings towards anyone. How can you feel bad about idk, cursing someone if you don't see them as an individual with feelings of their own. Because how could he think about their feelings when he didn't have much of his own to compare and to even comprehend what they feel beside some very shallow understanding. AND BY THAT I DONT MEAN HE DIDNT KNOW HE WAS HURTING PEOPLE AROUND HIM HE WASNT A POOR LITTLE MEOW MEOW. HE KNEW, HE JUST DIDNT GET IT SO HE DIDNT CARE. But he obviously knew. So no empathy but more like an educated guess. Masking king. He learnt how emotions worked for other people and used it whenever he saw fit. Pure manipulation.

Because again neglectful caregiving = problems with attachment to people and forming relationships. In the end it's all about him in that aspect. His feelings are always about himself and making himself feel comfortable and stable. He was fond of his friends till they were useful and till he felt good with having them around. He took pride* in gaining their respect and loyalty. He was using them to stroke his ego basically. And was using them in general. For stuff and things.

*HOT TAKE #2:

And here i have my latest hot take: his similarity with Harry in that matter. Harry is a gryffindor with some slytherin traits. And imo Tom, with him being the most slytherin to ever slytherin, his crazy pride and impulsivity is so gryffindor.

So there's that beside how we can all agree he was a liar and manipulator.

[muzzlemouths]

The latest chapter was soooo tense! Gosh i loved it. The situation is so tricky too- And Moon showed up! Even though Sun was still more conversational. And that cassette has me asking questions

Sun is definitely the more talkative of the two in any given situation lmao.

Moon in this au is mostly nonverbal, save for when you piss him off (as reader very quickly does). This is mostly due to what they went through ten years ago. Sun "coped" by going off the deep end, and Moon coped by shutting down entirely.

They're both an emotional mess, obviously, but Sun makes his delusions other people's problem whereas Moon withdraws himself from situations as much as possible, only ever getting involved when he has to. For the first couple of years after The Incident it was a struggle just to convince him to talk to Sun, and he only did because each other was (and is) all they had.

[iamnotadumbdonut]

some observations about the changes in Percy's personality in the chalice of the gods because im a fucking dumb fuck

if you've read chalice of the gods, (and if you haven't then just go and read it PLZ), it's pretty obvious that Percy's personality has become more "bby girl" sassy than his original "angsty skater boi" sassy. now i know I'm probably making excuses for rick's writing still, which changed considerably after writing 5 whole books from apollo's perspective, who is the canon bby girl btw, but some of his sass has transferred into Percy's personality. this could also be because of the natural change in Percy tho. for starters, he's growing up now. leaving the angsty angry teen years behind. obviously, his emotions are more in control. in chalice of the gods, it is indirectly stated he keeps his cool more than he did before. in the tower of Nero, he seems more amiable than he ever was, which just proves my boi has become a well rounded individual on the way to adulthood who has learnt to not be angry and childish. good for him.

another reason he's a lot happier than before, and i could be wrong, but i most definitely am not, is that Percy was pretty angry and snarky before he went into Tartarus, right up till MoA. and boom, in house of hades, he falls into Tartarus, gets hella traumatized, broken af and just fucking destroyed, and then he enters the mortal world again, all sappy and shit. most people think that he's all happy and so he's dumbed down in the blood of olympus in order to raise all the others to the pedestal, but isn't that how anyone will react after going to hell and back??? sure he was dark and all scary at first, but when that boy healed (almost completely, after all PTSD never really leaves you ) he was just so full of joy. because that's the rational way to go about it. compared to all the shit in Tartarus, any problem in the world was next to fucking NOTHING. no problem was too big because he has been to literal hell, and hence all his anger has died down and is just a little spark now, and so just pointing it out old Percy= snark/ impertinence (close enough eh) Percy in Tartarus= fucking broken lmao new Percy= lost most of his anger, a lot happier, nothing else. and hence a new equation is formed snark-anger=sass so now all that's left is sass it's also given in the dictionary that while sass is just playfully feisty, snark is supposed to rude. that's all. Percy hasn't been dumbed down. he's just happier and more carefree (again pointing out, not the same as careless, which Percy was before) wait wait wait yes

old Percy= careless new Percy=carefree careless + more responsible + more considerate - anxious =carefree

boom bitches im the psychological mathematician. ciao muahahhhhaahahaha

[adamnablelittledevil]

Reacting to The Vampire Lestat - Part II (with a bit of spoilers)

I found out my problem with the narration and description isn't with Anne, but Lestat. That dude sometimes focuses on the most useless stuff instead of telling what is happening or what he's feeling. I'm like, Lestat de Lioncourt, get your priorities (not) straight? But it's not much of a problem anymore now, because it gives me a better idea of who he is and how he thinks, so I appreciate that. I enjoy the immersion, even with someone as chaotic and as distracted as he is.

Turns out when Lestat FINALLY gives me a good picture of things, it's with the WORST event possible.

Remember what Louis said about the little drink? That's the whole experience from the moment Magnus kidnaps Lestat, turns him, kills himself before his eyes and leaves him completely alone. Multiply your worst case scenario by a trillion.

Not that I would want Magnus to stay, God forbid, but the next moment is still pretty bad. You might believe it gets better after his death, but it's not immediately.

Lestat goes from being too frozen to move, to fighting with every fiber of his being and then trying to take it as a positive thing? Which, well, it's a realistic reaction to it, but also heartbreaking.

It's not exactly "rape", but it has pretty much everything a rape can have without penetration? So it basically felt like the same thing to me.

It's quite a long chapter, it's considerably graphic (at least for me), took me over 2 hours to finish it (maybe it was even closer to 3 hours, I don't remember anymore, but I struggled a lot), I kept taking pauses, whenever I thought it was over it kept going and kept getting worse.

It is well-written in the way that makes sense, that moves the story, that narrates and describes what's happening with details, that you can really picture it in your head, that is extremely intense and emotional... But it's obviously not an exciting part.

I feel bad for the way Lestat immediately shifts afterwards and tries to make the most of it. Not that I wanted him to be miserable and feeling sorry for himself, but I'm like, something terrible happened to you and it's okay to take time to deal with it. I'm not even sure he understands how traumatic that was? If he does, he doesn't acknowledge it, let alone admit it. Not even to himself. And it's just frustrating.

Even after I read it, it stuck with me and took me more than a day to get over. I kept remembering it even when I was doing totally different stuff.

It's cool to navigate through things with him as Lestat finds more about how his body and powers operate.

When he went to the village and began to experiment with his powers was fun. Him jumping, cutting trees and whatever the other silly things he was doing and I can't fully remember... It was like an ADHD child high on sugar and sort of cute.

Is that presence... Armand?

You can take the man out of the church, but you can't take the church out of the man (or the vampire), apparently.

This probably isn't necessary, but I want that scene that he sees the house with the family and reads their thoughts? The idea of seeing the thoughts of babies is so sweet... It's not even for him, it's more of a me thing, I guess. I would just like to see it. I don't know. Maybe I'm being too sensitive and PMSing lol. Don't @ me.

Lestat has kissed so many people at this point and he hardly gives details, so I'm like, what are you kissing? A cheek? A hand? A mouth? Is it a friendly peck on the lips? Is it tongue-kissing? Elaborate? I mean, I don't care because the way he does it feels as trivial as a fart lmao. The only one he really has a deeper relationship with so far is Nicki, so I only kind of care about Lestat with him. It's not really a problem, but I just find the whole thing vague and ridiculous lol.

It's not even Lestat that has BPD, but BPD has Lestat at this point. The man is intense, has crazy mood swings, has extreme reactions to things, engages in dangerous behavior, is highly irresponsible with money, has a chronic fear of being alone... I know one when I see it. And vampirism didn't fix it, it only made it worse.

A bit off topic, but there's something about France that is so enchanting? I've always been obsessed with it in some ways, some places, the architecture, the language, the art... It's not like I'm a big nerd or anything, I can't barely name stuff to save my life, but just looking, hearing and thinking about it... There's just some charm to it. I've realized that the simple fact of stories being set in France makes me excited for some reason. I would love if they filmed there and in some of my favorite spots (cough Sainte-Chapelle and Carcassonne cough), for the mere reason it would look gorgeous and they should because I said so. Maybe in a past life I lived there or something, but I've always had that fascination, God knows why.

"Why the hell did Anne write and word it like that?" moment #1, I guess. At least it was fast and I can erase it from my memory.

The book has gotten quite faster and more eventful now, it's definitely better than when I first started it. I hate when it takes too long for things to happen, so this pace is good. And crucial moments happen pretty early on, which I appreciate. It's nice to know I've read some of the most important events by now, even as disturbing as they are. One of the downsides of being in this fandom is not having the full information, so already knowing part of the big events is satisfying.

P.S. Nothing is permanent, opinions might change and this is based on Lestat's narration, which can be unreliable. I'm reading the books so I can find out more about the characters, what potential events might happen in the show, what I can expect etc. This is my favorite show in the universe, so I want to be as informed as possible. I have no idea if I'll become a legit fan of the books or not, but so far I'm enjoying it. I'm posting these comments only for fun.

[novastarrart]

Banban/Devil Headcanons

Just wanna get my thoughts out there so here goes. It's a lot so, there's your warning lmao

*Note: For simplicity's sake I’ll refer to normal Banban as Uthman and the actual researcher/genome donor as Dr. Uthman*

Banban/Uthman:

All the mascots seem pretty tall so I hc him to be like 6'5"?

His tongue hangs out of his mouth constantly, it was done this way to make him more appealing/cute to kids.

That being said, When he's aware, he can keep his tongue in his mouth, usually to talk. But absentmindedly it just sorta lolls out.

He has a form of body dysphoria, being that he sees himself as a human, even when looking in a mirror.

This is why he hates being called Banban and not by his "true" name Uthman (or Adam if he knows you well enough).

However, he doesn't get too angry if you don't know about all that in the first place. Still, he'll correct you with some annoyance (Like he did with Bittergiggle in part V).

He has some memory problems, due to his own memories mingling with Dr. Uthman’s. Sometimes he’ll forget who another mascot is (Like when he referred to Nabnab as “That thing down there”. Or when Sir Dadadoo first appeared: “Hey is that a friend of yours?”)

The party hats hide his horns, this was partially his choice, and partially the researcher's. They were worried the horns would scare the children, so they decided to hide them with something “fun”. He doesn't mind them though, he wants to look as human as possible.

His voice is very apathetic and monotonous, he doesn't have much control over this, it's just natural at this point. Whether or not his donor, the real Dr. Uthman, spoke like this, I haven't decided on. He definitely has an accent of some sort, which he picked up from Dr. Uthman.

He's actually a lot more emotive than he is in the game! Although he does usually default to that goofy smile

He doesn't really blink! He can close his eyes, and has eyelids, but for some reason he just cannot blink. He does not realize this at all, and it unintentionally  scares others.

Thanks to his donor, he's very intelligent and can actually perform a lot of different surgeries and has a vast knowledge of medicine. He obviously uses this to his advantage to uhh open up victims.

He can consume human food and drinks, but it really doesn’t do anything for him nutritional wise, this is more than likely why he feels consistent pain near his abdomen

Hellish Banban/The Devil:

So comparing the models, bro is taller than regular Banban, so he's probably like 7ft tall

Definitely more muscular and stronger, has better endurance too

VERY FERAL. He relies on pure animalistic instinct in this form, although he is still capable of speech if he needs to speak.

Loses his "human" side and gives in to his more monstrous side. Any human memories are probably just gone at the time.

Speaking of which, If you call him Uthman, he'll probably just laugh and rip you apart. He does answer to Devil/Demon or just Hellish for simplicity's sake.

As said before, this feral side is triggered by adrenaline. Usually triggers when Uthman is about to die or is severely hurt (sorta like a Bruce Banner/Hulk sorta relationship).

His horns grow longer and sharper in this form, as well as his teeth. This is... probably pretty obvious why.

He seems to lose his pupils in this form? Uthman's eyes turn all white when he's turned or about to turn.

And that's an indicator you should start running!

Relies more so on his sense of smell, then his sight to find his prey. I like to think his tongue is like a snake which he uses to pick up scents/vibrations (another reason it hangs out).

He can DEFINITELY smell human's organs/blood/etc.

He can probably also pinpoint if something is medically wrong with their organs too (Diabetic, kidney failure, heart problems, etc.). This would be very useful, however he's not really thinking of helping you right now.

He's a lot tougher and can handle being banged/smashed around (Like that fight with Jumbo Josh). He’s VERY hard to kill.

He'll eat any organ honestly, Pancreases are just his favorite! (Maybe they're sweeter due to them producing insulin? Who knows!)

Still has some intelligence, but this is mostly overridden by adrenaline and instinct to eat and kill others. Overall, he doesn’t think correctly when in this form and will do things that are harmful to himself and others without much thought.

Aaaaand that's about it for now? Let me know what you think if you want!

[howlsofbloodhounds]

https://youtu.be/0nugWOaC8lU?si=L9gDvlcLg_F121gx

I came across a post with music that you associate with something or someone, and I also had some associations when listening to some of it. Or to be more precise, when I listen to this, I imagine how complicated the relationship between Color and Killer/Delta is.

Do you think that their relationship is like that, or are there other views on this? (and I will add that I like both ships, and sometimes I even consider the possibility that this could even be a triple)

Oh thats a kinda cute song, even if a little repetitive at points. Does anyone happen to have any more song recommendations? 👀

And yeah I do think the dynamics between Color, Killer, and Delta could potentially be rather complicated; regardless of romance or not. In fact it works just as well with friendship.

Color’s Delta’s first and closest friend, and Color’s Killer’s first real, genuine friend.

I’d imagine that a lot of the issues is mostly because of Killer. As said before, its not like he has much grasp on healthy or equal relationships of any kind; and with every other “friendship” he’s had most recently—Chara, possibly Nightmare—they were always possessive over him.

Wouldn’t be surprised at all if Killer is a little possessive and territorial over Color, too. Whereas Stage 1 may experience things like emotional jealousy, insecurity, feeling undeserving of it—fears of being abandoned.

Stage 2 would possibly view it more as losing a very valuable resource, someone he not only views as very important to his stability and happiness and happy ending, but someone he’s actually grown to want around.

As said I mentioned before, Color is one of his “red lines.” Someone who knows a lot about him, someone he’s trusted with a lot about himself, eventually. And even if he’s growing to trust Color, that doesn’t mean he trusts Delta.

He notices how close Delta and Color are, and he thinks of all the ways that can be used to hurt Color, which in turn, hurts him. If Stage 2 is ever jealous or afraid of being left behind, or that Color likes Delta more or would choose Delta, I doubt he’d ever willingly acknowledge that. Let alone say it.

Killer wants control. He sees so many things he can’t control about Delta and his relationship with Color, they’re so obviously close, and he doesn’t like it. It doesn’t feel safe.

If Color is the hope that brought light into his world, then I’m sure the concept of sharing that with someone he doesn’t know—someone who has made it obvious that he doesn’t like Killer and would prefer if Color wasn’t around him—feels less like sharing, and more like Delta is trying to take from him. Like Delta is tryna hurt him specifically, or control him, or punish him—by taking or stealing who makes him happy.

Killer doesn’t often think he deserves to be happy, and for awhile im sure he thought it wasnt possible. But now that he knows it is possible, he still doesn’t think he deserves it, and he doesn’t think anyone else besides Color would probably think he does. He doesn’t really offer people much trust, does he.

Delta already doesn’t like him, and he’s close with Color. But he doesn’t need Delta to like him, he just needs Color to like him (to like him so much he stays), and he needs Delta to know how much Color likes him.

But you know, instead of voicing all these concerns and needs like a well adjusted person, he will instead gaslight, torment, fuck with, and manipulate. (Someone once said Killer is like a cat because he plays with his prey. Which is basically what he’s doing here lmao.)

He will create little scenarios that make Delta feel unsure and frustrated, he will do and say things to subtly make Delta feel left out and insecure—and he will do it all so casually that Delta starts wondering if he’s actually the one causing the problem here.

He likes having control over this. He likes that he can do or say something to have Color’s attention and focus on him, he likes that Color is so kind, sweet, attentive, despite still knowing not to trust him completely when he’s like this.

He likes that Color is smart like that. He likes laying down these little games and tests of loyalty and seeing how much Color cares about him. He probably likes pushing boundaries and buttons just see not only how much Color will tolerate from him, but exactly how much he cares despite it all.

But Color also cares for his friends, and he also understands Killer, and so he will eventually realize what’s happening—and he will realize that there’s more reasons going on for this behavior than only territorial and control reasons. And he will seek to try and talk to Killer about it—and lay down some firm boundaries with Killer.

Ultimately I think things will ease up a little when Color gets Killer to understand what’s going on, what he needs from Color, and gather the courage to learn how to ask for it.

It’s not like Color’s going to have any issues with showering Killer with any validation, reassurance, praise or comforts he needs but feels either too weak and vulnerable (Stage 2) or ashamed and guilty (Stage 1) to ask for—let alone the hard work of teaching killer that he can ask for something and expect to have it given to him happily with no other strings attached for no other reasons than Color loves and cares about him. Because its not something to be ashamed of needing, and it doesn’t make one weak to need.

[bcolfanfic]

hi hi! I would love to hear all the angst that happens during the time period where Bucky is drinking again and the build up to the intervention. Did Bucky struggle with drinking before this? How does he act when he’s drunk? How does buck react if Bucky tries to initiate anything intimate when he is drunk(if he ever does) does Bucky ever resort to other substances to cope? Does Gale feel ‘angry’ with Bucky for drinking to cope instead of coming to him for help, if so how does he deal with those em? Does he lash out or go self deprecating? Thank was a lot sorry! But I would love to hear your thoughts on literally any of these things or whatever you have thought about this time period so no pressure at all ofc!! I just absolutely love this au it’s so special to me 🫶🏻

lmao re: other substances i have a 'in my head wip' thing about *gale* having a bit of a pill problem. and rachel and i gave kenny that issue too once. poor boys </3 but re: bucky in my head he just sticks to alcohol. i think he has some issues with paranoia re: his ptsd and that something like taking pills or other drugs is just too shrouded in what ifs that drinking alcohol from the store isn't y'know?

timeline wise i think he was always *susceptible* to having a drinking problem but knew that to the extent that he kinda harm reductioned himself? drank quite often, got *drunk*, but esp being with gale was pretty good about having limits and sticking to them. which becomes shakier post-suicide attempt when he's picking up the pieces from a months long mental breakdown. starts to feel like it's all less scary to deal with if he's more "loosened up"- which is what starts the more for-emotional-comfort drinking ie: keeping a flask on him or around him almost 24/7.

my experience with alcoholism comes from someone i know really well- and the thing with them was that outside of like nighttime party drinking they could be drinking heavily during the day and about 75% of the time you wouldn't be able to tell if you didn't know them. when it's a habit like that you learn how to Function to hide the problem which i think bucky is pretty good at at least to begin with. plus he's always been more of a loose canon personality sober too, so to put it bluntly just ~being a little weird~ isn't necessarily a red flag.

but gale *does* know him, better than anyone so he does pick up on it eventually. which is hard at first because he *wants* to be wrong so so badly that he tries to brute force convince him he is. and then he finds a flask that john had hidden somewhere and the lying to himself about this being a capital p Problem gets a whole lot harder </3 doesn't even know how to bring it up because even though this is obviously /bad/ john is doing miles better than he was before his attempt. less nighttime episodes, less depression fatigue, seems a lot happier generally speaking. which gives gale so many conflicting feelings because it's different than the alcohol issues his dad had but. still issues. but not as bad so maybe its fine right? right?

i had a 'in my head wip' thing a while ago about john going out with some local buddies and getting a little 'lost along the way' getting back. ends up calling gale slurring his words begging to be picked up, which gale of course does but. poor john is a mess. needs quite a bit of help to get in the house, gets sick and now he *is* starting to remind gale of his dad which makes him itch so bad.

is so apologetic too when gale is helping him clean up and get into different clothes so he can sleep- and i think that's the only situation he'd really try to initiate something when drunk under. just feels so vulnerable and guilty and wants gale to kiss it better </3 kills gale to see him upset too when he has to reject him but just kinda. squeezes the back of his neck tells him not now and keeps chugging on getting him into bed so he can sleep.

coping wise i think gale goes right into self-deprecating mode. gets a bit angry during the whole debacle when they're in new york and john gets into that fight with croz and brady, because all their friends now know what's going on and he's embarrassed. but otherwise is real internal about it all. feels like he failed at Fixing him like he was supposed to and that they're never going to be truly settled/there's always going to be Something. which is also hard itself because he's so used to their life just being. like that. that he gets somewhat resigned too. even when curt is trying to push him on the intervention thing after the new york incident he has to pull teeth a little to get him on board because gale is just well. well it might not work /: it's fine i can handle him, i always have /:

couples therapy. couples therapy for everyone lmao but in all seriousness i do think this pushes them there once john is actually one foot in front of the other on the sobriety road. something they probably should've done after john's attempt to begin with it but they were a little in lalaland re: if john is okay gale will be okay and then we're both okay (: thinking.