#obligate disclaimer that I am not a danger to myself or others

[cesium-sheep]

singing used to be as easy as breathing but I guess breathing isn't fucking easy anymore either.

I still don't feel death on my shoulder just yet, but I do kind of feel like it might as well be, as I think the only thing keeping it away is having crushed myself down so small I've nearly disappeared. it's scary and miserable, even if I'm not in that much physical pain right now. like. I don't feel like I'm actively dying yet this time, I just feel like I might as fucking well be. (or maybe I already am and just haven't fully put it together cuz I can't fucking think either.)

[tallerthantale]

Neil and Amanda's Fake Therapist

I originally gathered information relating to Neil's fake therapist in a bit of a messy hyperfocus flurry that included some initial errors, followed by various erratic updates, so I wanted to put the main points together into one coherent place. Some of what I'm putting together here was found by others on the subreddit post.

I once again find myself skirting the edges of my typical rules for myself about analyzing public figures, so disclaimer: this is personal opinion, I'm not scientifically or clinically evaluating anyone based off public appearances / statements, I am commenting on what personal impression I am getting off things, and leaving most speculation about internal states out.

Man does this guy make it hard to stick to that though.

The person I'm talking about here is the supposed 'therapist' that Scarlett interacted with while Neil was (allegedly) pressuring her to say the allegations weren't true. His behavior there (with a paper trail according to Tortoise), and what I was able to gather from Amanda Palmer's podcast made it clear to me that he was not operating within the acceptable behaviour of a therapist, so I decided to see if I could prompt a review of his license. All indications at this time are that he does not have one. But it gets worse.

He claims to be a minister, but like the therapist claim cites no qualifications or organizations in his website's bio. This combination of therapist who isn't a therapist and minister who isn't a minister potentially creates a legal nightmare scenario. I am not a lawyer, this is not legal advice, but I'm going to give you my best estimate of the situation, which has involved looking up the law and reading some cases.

As long as he isn't claiming to be a mental health professional, he may be protected in calling himself a nonspecific 'therapist.' He can probably argue it as some kind of spiritual therapy. But because he isn't actually a mental health care provider, he is not subject to mandatory reporting. Generally therapists have a legal obligation to proactively report when someone is a danger to themselves or others. He does not have that requirement. He isn't bound by professional ethics, since he is not a member of any organizations and has no licenses. Moreover, it seems to be the case in New Mexico that if a person reasonably believes you to be a minister, that kicks in clergy-penitent privilege whether or not you actually are a minister.

The origin concept of clergy-penitent privilege is that the law cannot force a priest to reveal what was said to them in confession. The First Amendment means all religions get it equally and it doesn't have to be part of a specific Catholic ritual. In New Mexico, it covers anything that was not said publicly or intended to be passed on regardless of the surrounding context. That means anything said to or by this guy that is not said in public or explicitly intended to be forwarded cannot be used by the legal system for any purpose, no matter how documented or incriminating it is to the client or to him personally. There is no mechanism to remove that privilege form him for being misused because it is derived from his representation of himself as a minister, not his actual status.

According to his linkdin he received a Bachelors degree in creative writing from the University of Rochester, in New York. He then got a Masters degree in Divinity in Organizations from Harvard Divinity School, 1982-1985. These are the only points of education claimed anywhere we have seen. He lists no psychology or mental health qualification anywhere, and is most known as an author. His bookselling success might be due to a claimed promotional appearance on Oprah.

His personal webpage has a long 'client list' or list of 'collaborators' who have hosted speaking engagements. This list was last updated in 2012. The events on his calendar page have no year. I think I recall seeing a section of his website that was only accessible to those who were 'fully committed,' or something like that, but it doesn't seem to be there now. It's possible I'm misremembering, it's possible it got taken down when the reddit thread got popular, I don't have the right skillset to check. He won an award from the Institute of Noetic Sciences, which looks to be engaging in pseudo scientific spirituality in a manner similar to Scientology.

From what I can gather from the video's I've watched, the advice he 'preaches' is a mish mash of bits and pieces of metaphors and perspectives from a variety of religions and philosophies that he probably didn't fully understand. (My speculation.) There are pieces of genuine insight that are lifted from others and that can give the impression he knows what he is talking about to vulnerable people even if he doesn't really understand them himself. He doesn't seem to have any genuine religious beliefs or connections to any religious congregation or organizations. It is unclear if he is or is not technically ordained, but that is something anyone can just do online, and he doesn't even claim it.

Particularly noticeable in his talks are traces of Jungian psychoanalysis (which is the nonsense Jordan Peterson seems to have got caught up in, and it has antisemitic and fascist origins) some Buddhist resilience concepts that have been misused by westerners a lot, and Christian (I think) concepts about universal love and togetherness. They end up mashed together into a message that I believe will influence most victims who hear it to blame themselves and remain in toxic situations, while making perpetrators feel better about continuing to perpetrate. Not saying that was the goal, but if a person had that goal, this patchwork philosophy is what you would put together to achieve it. I'm not going to be specific because I don't want to be like, putting out a guide for people on how to do this.

Amanda says she met the guy before she had a child, but after she was married. That is somewhere between 2011 and 2015. Amanda says she met him at something resembling a TED conference, where all sorts of people got together to do various (rich people nonsense.) She had a mental breakdown in a horse paddock, and the fake therapist was the guy with the horse, teaching about horse whispering.

"And since then, he’s been my therapist, and he’s also become a true friend, to me, and to my family, and to many other people in my life that he’s taken on, and helped out, in some of their darkest hours of need, and he is my emergency phone call. And in a way, he sort of picked up where Anthony, my old mentor, left off, and I don’t find it a coincidence that Wayne walked into my life right around the time Anthony walked out. "

This is not what a therapist does, this is cult leader behaviour. This is pure speculation on my part, but I wonder if Neil might have known him first and orchestrated their meeting. He is an author with connections to an organization similar to Scientology. It might actually not be a coincidence. Again, pure speculation.

Amanda describes seeking advice from him whenever she was having trouble with Neil, and that talking to him would make her feel like everything was fine again. "Even just to have someone to talk to, to remind me what I’m struggling with, what’s going on, what is home, why does this feel so disorienting, what am I doing? And I can say right now, when I shifted my internal feeling within myself, within my relationship with Neil, around where I was, my feeling in my own house transformed. Because I went, oh, right, none of this fucking matters."

In June 2019 Amanda Palmer has the Portland, OR incident where she tells her fans they need to forgive their r@#ists.

In 2019 the fake therapist did a series of webcasts with The Santa Fe Center for Spiritual Healing over a few months. At times he is titled "Rvrd", and at times he is titled "Dr." there is no reason to believe he is either. In the first one, the host reads a bio she found online, that she says he asked her not to read (she appears to think he was being humble.) This version of the bio claims that he was a Senior Scholar at the Fetzer Institute. When he comes on after she read it, he makes odd comments about whoever might be watching the video online and appears very shaken. The Fetzer Institute has no mention of him on their website. That connection is not listed in his current bio.

In his last video for the Santa Fe Center he claims to be working on an upcoming project in D.C. with a co-facilitator who was famous for brokering a truce between the crips and bloods. He also comes across like he has been asked to stop working with the center and is being super passive aggressive about it. (My speculation.)

His appearance on Amanda Palmer's podcast is recorded in July 2019, about a month after the last Santa Fe Center webcast, in upstate New York. In the descriptor she says it was recorded after a week long retreat with him she set up for 60 of her Patrion supporters. There is a nearly two year gap between the recording and posting, which is not explained. She describes him as a minister, therapist, leadership mentor, and her personal therapist. In the episode itself, she also describes him as her and Neil's relationship therapist. In the description she promotes his books and his website, and says he is still readily contactable there, but to be patient right now because he is mid move. (The description was posted when the podcast was posted, in 2021. As mentioned earlier, there are features of his website that have not been updated since 2012.)

The fake therapist tweeted about Neil being a 'dear friend' in late 2020. He has under 100 followers, not really what you would expect for a best selling author / therapist / minister / community leader / mentor / horse whisper. While I make references to cult leader behaviour, a genuine cult leader would probably have a larger following. But somehow I don't think he lacks for money. I expect there is a market for pseudo-therapists you can freely talk to about the crimes you are actively committing. You can even involve him in the crime, and it still privileged.

The events of Scarlett's allegations date to 2022, about a year after Amanda posted the podcast episode. Sometime in March is when Neil manipulates Scarlett into saying the allegations are false with what is essentially a su!c!de threat, then asks her to repeat her assurances that it was consensual to the fake therapist. Amanda had recently received a scorching message from one of Scarlett's friends about what was done to her. It seems like Neil is doing this to win a fight with Amanda in their "relationship therapy." Scarlett gets a message from the fake therapist.

Tortoise describes it as him "saying he'd be happy to speak to her in complete confidence because he had heard that she found herself in his words 'in the midst of relationships, stories and narratives, not alas necessarily of your own making. Sadly, this is not a surprise. Two creative dynamic people can easily draw others into their orbit unaware of how powerfully the magnetic pull of their influences can have on others.'"

My perception of this message is that it plants the suggestion to Scarlett that her friends are brainwashing her to think she was r@ped by pulling her into 'narratives not of her own making.' I could see how people might interpret the later lines regarding magnetic pull as being about accidental power dynamics abuse, but I read it more as him saying Scarlett's friends are opportunistic manipulators looking to make a name for themselves by taking down a famous person.

Either way, there are a considerable number of things happening there that an actual therapist would not ever do, for a variety of very good reasons. Tortoise's attempt to call him to ask for comment was thwarted by the fact that his phone has been specifically programed not to accept voicemails. Not like, the voicemail box was full or something, he went out of his way to do that. Which means Tortoise can't quite claim that he didn't respond to requests to comment, because they couldn't leave a message. Other organizations probably run into similar difficulties establishing evidence that they have contacted him. It's not a smoking gun, but I don't like it.

A year later Amanda Palmer makes her post on the Russel Brand allegations, where she argues the solution to serial predatory behaviour is to try to get them to stop doing "stupid shit" by trying to heal their lacking and fear with love and compassion and forgiveness, because that the ONLY cause / motivation for abusive behavior. And some unarticulated hope for non-specific accountability vibes.

This post looks to me like the perspective of a person who has been continuously exploited, and manipulated into thinking it is their personal responsibility to heal people who have no interest in being healed. It reads to me like a person who has been justifying staying in a toxic situation to themself so long it has warped their entire worldview. It reads to me like the inevitable end result of this fake therapists preaching.

I don't think that absolves her of what ever her role has been in facilitating access to victims, or actively promoting these views to her audience, but it is something to keep in mind.

There is a broad rage of possibilities for what is going on with this guy. The spectrum runs from deeply misguided fool to deliberately exploitative criminal. Either way it looks like he is charging people money for the service of turning them into the "this is fine" dog. This is not fine. This is not ok. Unfortunately it probably is legal.

[pr4yerp0sition]

   #𝐩𝐫𝟒𝐲𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧:  A   deep   dive   into   multimedia   works   varying   from   Tite   Kubo’s   BLEACH,   G.R.R   Martin’s   House   of   the   Dragon,   Anne   Rice’s   Interview   of   a   Vampire,   original   creations,   along   with   Dragon   Age,   Baldur’s   Gate, Riot's Arcane.   This   is   a   case   study   into   the   manifestation   of   grief   as   love,   generational   trauma   treated   as   a   curse,   the   mourning   song,   the   hope   at   the   end   of   sorrow   and   love   that   shall   transcend   time   within   itself.

CARRD / OC INFORMATION / ROSTER LIST  beloved by, Cereza (they, them, 25+ more tired than you)

 

If you do not specify a muse, one will be selected for you. This is a hard rule that will not bend, if you do not like the starter or prompt, you must contact me in order for a rewrite which I am more than happy to oblige. THIS BLOG IS EXTREMELY SELF INDULGENT / FRIENDS / GOOD BUDDIES VIBES ONLY. I'll rarely follow first but if we're gucci with each other on my other blogs, then feel free. I'm fine with new followers just HIGHLY selective.

I believe strongly in critical thinking along with an appreciation for literature while agreeing to disagree. We all have squicks, triggers, ect. This blog contains media that is on the heavy side and I do ask those who follow take precaution before doing so. I also write strongly queer representation with various nonbinary, lesbian, to trans muses. Trying to have them fit a narrative that is more on the conservative end is an instant hard block. I have no time, no desire, or energy to explain the reasoning why.

I WRITE ADULT CONTENT, sexuality, the exploration of such, violence, chemical dependencies to alcohol dependencies, mature themes are the normal. If this is something that makes you deeply uncomfortable, rethink before following.

I am a mun that is more than fine with NSFW content, though, if you’re only here for that you can leave. Fetishizing my muse, oversexualization, continuously harping on physical attributes rather than the story tend to squick me out. Yes, I enjoy writing erotica but I am within my right to turn down whoever I chose.

There is a difference between writing whump material while handling heavy subjects with grace, respect, and understanding. I am incredibly cautious when dealing with topics of DV, SA, ect. Primarily, if your muse hinders on the constant usage of such subjects while contradicting the writing, I will block and move on. I do not write dead dove material, I do not write whump, I handle everything with the critical thinking skills one needs to operate such heavy topics && assure that the dash is comfortable while being respected. This is not to say I ignore these topics but, I can tell the difference between someone romanticizing && glorifying these subjects versus someone who is using them to properly narrate a story that they wish to convey a message.

If you are blocked, there is a high key reason. Harassment of any kind is not warranted or welcomed, please respect basic boundaries. Furthermore, I am someone who does believe in callouts for exhibiting behavior that is dangerous to the community at a whole. Protecting yourself or others is never beef or drama.

Hello, I am Cereza, 25+ / Latino / Chronic Depresso / nonbinary friend with a love for heavy metal, cinema, literature, and coffee. I’m an extremely introverted person so don’t take my silence for not being personally invested I just burn out. For disclaimer: I have Asperger's, thus I can be absent minded or things tend to go over my head but I pride myself in being able to speak logically with a clear understanding so if you ever feel like we must have a conversation that is of importance; I’m your person. Btw, I work from home but because of that while I am available, I am not at the same time. Family always comes first in my life while having a social life is very important to me, those who can't understand that, well, you know what to do.

Graphics by: sereg0re

[kavrillia]

Asexuality and gender roles in Lanarian society

(I’m giving this post a pretentious title because it started out as a short, joking post but evolved into long meta as I rambled.)

Me:  I originally wrote this character as asexual before I even knew what that was (or that it described me, too).  Now, many years later, I’m going to make that a significant plot point because good asexual representation is rare and I have some first-hand perspective to add.

Also me:  *writes most of the scenes addressing the character’s orientation from the POV of their allosexual partner*

Oops.

I think the overall messages still come through okay, but I should probably add more from the ace’s perspective.

Those messages being, in part, that aces are not obligated to have sex if they don’t want to and a good partner will respect that; that a healthy relationship is possible without sex; that some aces will have sex because they enjoy making their partners feel good, even if they could take it or leave it on its own; that being ace can lead to some hilarious misunderstandings and misinterpretations; and it takes a lot, lot more than sex to make a relationship work.

It only complicates matters that Zadie and Abarok have a sort of gender role reversal going on in a lot of ways (at least from a human perspective; Lanarian society has very little sexism, so nobody in-universe thinks this is unusual at all.)  She’s the bullheaded soldier who charges off into danger to rescue him, and he’s the more sensitive, nurturing one.

It isn’t expressed as clearly in the novel(s) as this (at least at the moment), but basically Lanarians’ feelings on gender are as follows:  “Most people with these genitals tend to be [adjective], but some are [mutually exclusive adjective] and that’s kind of interesting, like learning someone is left-handed or double-jointed, but there’s no value judgement attached.”

Their language has male, female, and gender neutral name markers (similar to the Norse ____sson and _____sdottir, only there’s also a ____soffspring, or in this case Gea’____ani, Jhea’____ani, and Ea’_____ani.)  I’ve never sat down and thought about Lanarish pronouns, but if I did I’d make sure they were naturally inclusive.

Lanarians treat orientation similarly.  Sexuality is a spectrum that can change with time, so nothing is off the table, but it’s also not a big deal.  If you’re dead set on having biological children it can be an issue.  Otherwise, it’s just a personal preference like ice cream cone vs. bowl, regular chips vs. ripple chips, or anything else.  (Disclaimer because this is the internet:  I’m talking about consenting relations between adults.)

Oh, you can’t whistle?  You have a rare blood type?  You started using gender neutral pronouns since I last saw you?  You got a new car?  Your new partner is a different gender than all your previous ones?  You’re allergic to pineapples?  It should all be mildly interesting trivia and small talk, not a reason to hate or discriminate.  Worry about the things that actually harm other people.

Basically, be your authentic self and do what makes you happy with whomever wants to join you (or don’t do anything with anyone, if that’s what you want.)

/soapbox

Am I projecting my own feelings about gender and sexual orientation onto an entire culture I made up?  Maaaaaaaaaybe...

I should also state that I’ve never shoehorned in a character’s LGBTQIA+ status solely for representation and political correctness, or whatever.  As I’ve matured and learned about myself and the world around me over the past couple decades, my original universe has grown along with me.  If it feels right for a particular character to be queer in some way, then they are.

I’m not one of those writers who believes they’re connecting to beings on a different astral plane and channeling their voices, but I do feel that characters take on a personality and a true “voice” of their own over time that can guide the story in directions I didn’t originally intend.   

Getting back to Zadie and Abarok, I was determined to keep them platonic at the beginning (because platonic male/female friendships are so rare in fiction), but as I got to know them the connection between them got deeper and deeper.  I couldn’t picture them in a cliché romance story, though.  A few years later I leaned the asexuality existed, and things in my life and writing started to make sense.  A plot point is Zadie’s struggle to define what she and Abarok have going on, but in the end the labels don’t matter because it works for them.  

Anyway, if there was a point to this ramble it’s that I try to treat issues of gender and sexuality in a respectful, inclusive way in my writing, but the story and the characters come first.

[direautistichobbit]

The AMAB Blues: On Being Eternally “Questioning”

This essay, or whatever this rambling set of nonsense is, comes with a disclaimer.  That this needs to be expressed in the first place is part of the problem I suppose, but I am getting ahead of myself.

I’m about to talk about an big, messy issue that I have been facing as an AMAB person who is gender questioning.  Currently, I identify as Gender-Fluid; previously, I’ve experimented with Nonbinary and Autigendered.  To be perfectly honest, Autigender is probably the most accurate of those I’ve played with so far but I have to explain enough stuff about who I am that explaining an entire term is more trouble than it is worth, generally speaking.  I’m pansexual, but usually more attracted to femme presenting and directed persons, and I’m struggling to sort out how related to my own personal traumas that is.  None of them were sexual, to be clear.  Thing is that I am an exceedingly sensitive person, and a lot of masculinity is…not inclined towards sensitivity in the majority of Western culture.  You become a target for other masculine people to take out their aggression on to prove to each other how manly they are.  So I’m…always anxious around men.  At least a little.  For someone who is Demisexual, this has made the pursuit of relationships with masculine looking persons challenging.  I’m polyamorus, with all of my partners at long distance (one of them is moving away as I’m writing this, don’t worry, we are fine), I have been looking for people closer by.  It has not gone well.

With that subtext out of the way?   I’m also a white, masculine presenting person that (superficially) resembles something that is cisgendered (not even slightly, I’ve come to realize) and heterosexual (not that either) enough that my “passing” privilege is extreme.  I am neurodivergent (ADHD diagnosed, ASD self-diagnosed and largely agreed upon by past therapists/doctors)  but can mask well enough that I get the “peculiar”and “eccentric” kind of labels before I get the problematic ones.  I am not going to pretend that I don’t have a lot of passive advantages here, nor am I blind to the amount of privilege I possess in the vast majority of social situations.  None of what I am about to say detract from those who don’t have these benefits.  I’m not complaining that the gays are being mean to me; they aren’t.  The majority of them have been nothing but wonderful to me.  I’m talking about the issues I’m facing; I don’t discount the issues that others are facing.  Hopefully that comes across here: I’m not blaming the broader LGBTQ+ community for how I feel, the issues I face, or the circumstances that hurt me.  I am not trying to crowd out other voices; I’m just trying to express my own.

Cool?  Cool.

There are a lot of queer spaces where masculinity is, while perhaps not the enemy, regarded with suspicion.  I don’t blame anyone for that; as I already stated, it’s something I share.  White dudes can get away with literal murder, and I know it.  I’ve read about it.  I’ve become familiar with it.  I own it.  I recognize, and attempt to always dignify, the danger that I represent, in potentia, to a lot of people in the LGBTQ+ community.  I recognize that while my intentions are as fair and honest as I can possibly strive to express, there is no way to prove those intentions without someone having to risk an interaction with me. No one is obligated to provide me that chance to prove myself; no one should be either.  There is no way to say I’m “one of the good ones” and have it be taken at face value; even saying that you are a “nice guy” is a huge red flag just due to the sheer number of bad faith fuck-wits who have purposely and maliciously abused that.  I get it.  I understand it.  I don’t make excuses for it.  I don’t misunderstand it.  I don’t begrudge people for it. That doesn’t stop it from being extremely isolating and dehumanizing at times.  Especially when you aren’t sure if “masculine” or “male” is something you even want to be…because the truth is that I’m not certain that I do. Would I say I am Transfemme?  No…but it’s a question I also go to some lengths to psychologically avoid. 

I don’t try to feminize my voice, even experimentally; hasn’t stopped me saving every TikTok on voice feminization that I have come across.  I’m definitely more curious then I’d like to admit regarding the topic.  I own a few pairs of high heels, but have avoided going any further down that fashion/clothing rabbit hole.  The majority of my friends and partners do not subscribe to gender binaries.  I have a lot of crushes on Transwomen, but not because they are some representation of some fetish; I like them because they are wonderful people that I want to be closer with.  They’re cute and sweet and I just kind of want to get lost in them.  Also, yeah, I follow a lot of Transwomen and Transfemmes on social media.  Yes, I have a beard!  How did you know? I don’t know that the end result of this question is being a transwoman.  I also can’t say that it isn’t.  I just don’t ask the question, deliberately, because I can’t follow through with it.  I’m not in a position to do so and right now I suspect that “Unsure but questioning” is easier to take then “certain but unable”. My ex-wife and I are civil, bordering on friendly…but she is pretty much just slightly better then milquetoast liberal.  Better than average but really bad at questioning her biases or blind spots.  Do I think she would use being Trans against me in terms of custody of our child?  No, I don’t think so…but I also don’t know so.  My daughter is 9.  Am I willing to risk my ex-wife’s inability to emotionally regulate?  This is someone who has wished me dead in front of other (She thought I missed the pick up of our daughter,5~6 at that point, by oversleeping.  It wasn’t even my day to pick her up and she was the one who got the schedule wrong) so her emotional maturity isn’t something I can take for granted.  I have no idea what will or will not set her off. Due to a host of reasons, most of them related to COVID and the movement of Amertican society, I am looking at the possibility of needing to get on disability.  While I am a bit of an ambivert, I have gotten to the point where I don’t trust anyone I don’t know.  Shit is crazy out there.  I am legitimately terrified of anyone having power over me.  It’s complicated, but the short version is that my social anxiety has become legion.  If I move to make any alteration to transition, if that were what I decided I needed, it could affect a disability case to my detriment due to the biases of judges.  It could even affect my ability to get representation.  The madness that is some conservatives' idea of how “easy” the disability process is for their definition of “undesirables” is utterly stupefying, because the reality is much different.  

I live with my parents for a number of reasons.  My mother and father are…progressive, for the most part.  They mean well.  That said, they’re also pretty benignly ignorant about a lot of mental health and social stuff.  Not in a way where I have to avoid topics of conversation or humor them on Thanksgiving to keep the peace, mind you, but in a way where it makes explaining myself extremely tedious and painful.  Like I don’t think they would purposely dead name me or something like that, but my mother is also a very “grounded” person…and hearing her drone on and lecture me about elevated risks in society when I’ve studied them more then she has is a kind of personal hell I struggle to properly articulate.  My mother is my greatest ally and, also, one of the worst burdens on my mental health.  I’d be dead without her but I’m also frequently injured by her.  I survive, a lot of the time, by just laying low.  Restructuring my whole identity isn’t something I can “lay low” with.  

Also, there is a question of if I found out I wanted to be a woman or even just more feminine?  Well, would I look like a feminine person I even wanted to be?  With facial hair, I can pass for a solid version of ruggedly handsome.  I don’t suspect that, even with a more feminine face, there are many versions of femininity that I could pull off nearly as well.  The question of whether it hurts more to be a modestly attractive version of something you don’t want to be or an ugly version of something you do want to be comes up frequently.

So I don’t ask the questions that would give me the answers.  At least, for myself, in my heart of hearts.  Executive function issues can be a blessing in disguise, I suppose, because even in spite of everything I just said?  The question of my gender and how I view it feels pleasantly unresolved to me.  I can see the line of data and evidence, but not come to a conclusion because I haven’t done the work to find out.  I haven’t tried to feminize my voice or my appearance in a meaningful way.  It’s also still functionally unknown, even if highly suspected. Which brings us back to the central issue.

It’s one thing to feel rejected or regarded with suspicion when you are masculine in your presentation, you feel masculine, and you have to navigate the mess left by other masculine people.  It’s another thing to feel rejected or regarded with suspicion when you are masculine in your presentation, but don’t even know if you want to be but don’t feel you have the opportunity to be otherwise.  I feel like I carry the weight of choices I wouldn’t make on behalf of someone I’m not sure I even want to be.  I feel held accountable to things I wouldn’t do and never wanted to be a part of.  Not because I don’t want the consequence of being a male…but because I’m not sure that male is something I want to be.

But I look like I’m male…so they do.

I look through dating profiles of people who interest me.  I never hear back.  Lots of them have phrases about “mostly looking for femmes, but open to anyone!”, so the writing's on the wall when I get nothing but radio silence.  Marking down Non-Binary or Gender-fluid doesn’t functionally matter when your face isn’t the kind of face they are looking to get to know.  When people who I’m interested in talk about not being attracted to “mascs”....I know it’s nothing personal.  It’s not any kind of an attack or dismissal of me as a person.  It’s two people discussing the nature of what they are attracted to, and I don’t begrudge anyone for saying.  In another instance, someone who was local and who I was beginning to flirt with but a halt on everything because...my masculinity got to her.  She wanted time to unpack that.  She deserves it.  I would never want her to feel any kind of way about asking for what she needed.

Irregardless of whom I do or do not “blame” for these situations, even if I blame no one at all, it is still a fucking kick to the guts because I feel stuck being something unwanted.  It makes you question the attraction of the partners you do have; how long until they look at you like everyone else does?  When everyone else they are around or connected to is in some way femme or leaning that way, when do you get cut?  When do you stop being undesired....and it’s easy to question that when you cannot imagine even wanting to be yourself much less next to yourself.  Especially when you feel like that happened before. I was pursuing a woman once.  She was a transwoman.  I thought there was a connection, and she seemed to echo the sentiment.  Some point down the line, she exploded at me.  The reasons are still uncertain; some of it was miscommunication, some of it was some problematic word choices that I will absolutely own*, and some of it I still have no clue.   Whatever her reasons, she called me out as just another fetishist. A chaser.  Accused of creeping on trans-women and following them on social media for some fetishizing reason.  Liking memes and posts on facebook that weren’t mean for “creepy cis men”.  I had been wanting to tell her for a while that I was gender questioning.but never did; I didn’t want her to think I was doing so dishonestly to curry her favor or something.  So I was grappling with feelings that she, without realizing, invalidated. It set me back a lot.. We didn’t have a relationship; there was just some flirting and feeling each other out.  It was still traumatic, because I left the situation feeling as if she needed a reason to purge me out of her life.  She asked me never to contact her again; I’ve honored that, and have no plans to change that face.  I’d be lying, however, if I said that I didn’t want to cuss her out.  It felt she was looking for an excuse to villainize me, and she took the first one she got. She damaged me and my progress with my own identity more then any transphobic half-wit ever could, all for what feels like having some moral high ground.  It took me longer to get to the questions about being Enby or GF because of her.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive her for that.  I’ve been phobic about being seen as a “fraud” ever since.  That was approximately 3 years ago. Perhaps more.  It still hurts.  Still feels like what I am going to be seen as the enemy for what I look like, not for what I am. .

Yet, I don’t actually know what I; I avoid asking the question about because opening Pandora’s Box is going to make it twice as bad, if the answer is what it looks like it is, because it won’t change what I am able to do about it.  I feel as if my options are to feel like a pariah and just struggle through it blindly or feel like a pariah after doing personal exploration to discover something that I can’t act on anyway.  I don’t suspect I am alone here.  That’s the thing; I am, comparatively, lucky.  I think I am in a uniquely privileged position to express myself this clearly and this cleanly.  I can speak to this in a way many AMABs don’t get to.  Masculinity is one hell of a double edged sword in Western society; you can do practically anything you want as long as do it without any emotions that isn’t anger, confidence, or grim determination.  If you are married, you can love your wife (and kids) in a noble and detached way.  You can only cry when kids are born, you partner leaves your, you parents die, or you get kicked in the testicles.  Even then it’s treated as suspect.  Everything else is socially and culturally forbidden.  I have enough emotional eloquence that I can express a pain that I suspect many others grappling with yet can barely identify, much less explain.  How do you deal with any of this when you lack the emotional vocabulary to feel half of it?  I can only speculate.

I guess this all leads to one point; your friends who are AMAB, in queer spaces, and are in a continual cycle of gender questioning?  They are probably going through some shit.  Probably a lot of shit.  All the time.  We are stuck in the fringe territory of overlapping identities and we don’t really have any way to go in one direction or the other.   Be gentle with those of us who fall under this banner if you can be. It’s lonely when you can even be yourself with yourself...and you can’t.  You don’t even exactly know who you are, and you end up scared that finding out could destroy you.  So you exist, perpetually, as a reasonable facsimile of who you think you want to be if you are luck...and who you need to be if you are not.

=-= =-= =-= =-= =-=

*For the curious, I used the phrase “pull up your big girl panties” in reference to someone I was dealing with at my job; a client at a day program for adults with developmental disabilities.  The individual in question became a very abusive person during her menstrual cycle, often attacking other clients and becoming extremely aggressive at the slightest annoyance or inconvenience.  Pushing, screaming, trying to bash people with her wheelchair and waiting until people weren’t looking at her to do it. While that behavior was very toxic and frustrating, I didn’t choose a good way to speak about this client, and I will absolutely own that there were better ways to express myself and vent my frustrations.  When the woman I was trying to build a relationship cussed me out on using that phrase, she accused me about talking about my ex-wife in this instance...which I wasn’t.  I have no idea why she thought that.

[wrenhyperfixates]

Because I Love You

Pairing: Loki x reader Summary: You’ve fallen for the trickster god, and have no idea that he’s done the same. When his attempts to keep you safe fail, you get into a huge fight. Will you be able to tell each other how you really feel, or is the rift too wide? Warnings: mentions of blood; fluff and angst A/N: This idea has been floating around in my head for a while, and it really took on a life of its own. I’m pretty happy with how it turned out. Hope you enjoy it just as much :)

Tag List: @lucywrites02 @frostedgiant​ @lunarmoon8​ @twhiddlestonsstuff​ @lokistan​ @thelokiimaginechroniclesficrecs​ @gaitwae​ @whatafuckingdumbass​ @castiels-majestic-wings​ @kozkaboi​ @cozy-the-overlord​

Disclaimer: Gif not mine

“Oh, come on, Loki,” you pouted as you helped him load up the Quinjet for the mission he was about to leave for. “I can handle myself.”

“Yes, I know, darling,” he replied with a sigh. “But this is going to be dangerous. I would feel much better knowing you were here, safe.”

“Fine,” you pouted as he took the box you were carrying from your hands.

You’d been having this argument all week. For some reason, Loki had been blocking you from going on more and more missions lately, but he went above and beyond this time. As soon as it had been announced, you’d volunteered to go. But then Loki went and talked to Steve to convince him his magic was necessary for the job and, from what you can tell, persuaded Cap that he should take your place.

The God of Mischief had been your best friend ever since he came to Avengers Tower. It hadn’t taken you long to realize that you wanted him to be something more, though. With every brush of his fingers against yours, bored glance sent your way during meetings, and laughs shared as you talked late at night made you fall deeper and deeper in love with the god. But this was getting annoying. It was nice that he cared about you, though it also made you sad. No matter how much you wanted him to feel the same way as you did, it was pretty obvious that he didn’t. Even worse than that, you were convinced that he thought of you as just a kid.

“Oh, darling,” he said, putting his hands on your shoulders as your eyes raised to meet his. “Please, do not be upset. The next not dangerous mission will be yours for sure.”

“Do those even exist?” you asked with a wry laugh.

“Yes. Ones where you will without a doubt be out of combat.” You frowned at him and opened your mouth to protest. He continued speaking before you could. “I am quite aware of what a fierce warrior you are, dear mortal. But you are also fragile. I will not let anything happen to you. You are my most dear friend, darling.”

“I know,” you sighed, unable to stay mad at him. “But you have to promise you’ll stay safe, too.”

“I promise, darling.” He kissed the back of your hand, making you flustered. “I will be just fine.”

As the jet pulled out of the hangar, you waved goodbye to Loki, praying that when he came back, things could finally change between you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’ll do it,” you declared at the next meeting.

“Ok then,” Steve replied. “You, me, and Nat then. We leave tomorrow at noon.”

It was a little nerve wracking to be going on a mission with two of the best fighters on the team, but you were sure it wasn’t anything you couldn’t handle. Loki was still on his mission, so there was no one to block you from taking this opportunity. You hoped so, anyway.

The final preparations were made, and you looked at the file in your bed that night. It should be a relatively easy mission; silently infiltrate the hydra base and download the intel from their computers. It was a small base, only a handful of enemy operatives should be there. Well, that was what you were planning on, anyway. Of course, there was always a chance things would go awry.

Suddenly, your phone rang. You plopped the file down on your comforter and checked the caller I.D. It was Loki. You worried that he’d caught wind of your plan to go on the mission tomorrow. He wasn’t supposed to be back for another couple of days, plenty of time for you to go without him interfering. That’s why you hadn’t told him yet. But if he already knew, he would certainly do everything in his power to stop you from leaving.

“Hey, Loki,” you said, nervously picking at the string on your sweatpants. “Are you ok? How’s the mission going?”

“Splendid, actually,” he replied, a smile in his voice. “So well, in fact, that I will be returning home early.”

“Oh! That’s, uh, great news.” You were trying to sound excited. It wasn’t working. “When exactly are you going to be back?”

“Tomorrow,” he replied. “I was wondering if you wanted to do something when I get back? Perhaps watch a movie or read together in the library?”

“I’d love to, Loki, really. But I’m going to be a bit busy tomorrow. Maybe if we meet later in the day?”

You were always tired after a mission, but you should be back in time to do something with Loki. And if you were just going to be reading, it would be relaxing. If you were lucky, you may even fall asleep, and he would carry you back to your bed. That had happened a few times before, and you’d woken up in his arms as he brought you back. You didn’t tell him, though. Instead, you just enjoyed the sensation of being in his arms, feeling safe and happy. It also reminded you of just how strong he was, being a god and all. You supposed that’s why he worried so much about you; you were just a mortal. His strength was contrasted by the way he carefully tucked you in and caressed your cheek. Your heart had beat wildly as you wondered if he might kiss you. He had not.

“Oh? What are your plans, then?” he inquired. “If you do not mind, maybe I could join you.”

“I, um, would of course let you, but Nat and I are going to be doing a special training routine all day,” you lied. “It’s supposed to just be the two of us. Sorry.”

“That is quite alright. We will just meet later. I look forward to it.”

“Me too. I’ll see you then, Loki,” you said, hoping to hang up before you felt guilty enough to come clean. “I better get some rest.”

“As should I. Goodnight, darling.”

You tossed the phone next to the file and sighed, covering your eyes with your arm. You hated having to lie to Loki, but you’d never go on another mission if you didn’t. Besides, he said you could go on one that wasn’t too dangerous, and the chances of getting hurt tomorrow were pretty slim. It would be fine. At least, you sure hoped it would.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“They are where?” Loki asked, his voice rising in panic. “Doing what?”

“I just told you, Reindeer Games,” Tony replied, a knowing smirk on his face. “They’re on a mission. What? Did your little lovebird lie to you?”

“That is preposterous for more reasons than I can count. They are only my best friend, but still they would never lie to me. I would have known if they had, anyway.”

“Well, maybe your judgment was clouded because you-”

“I swear if you say I love them,” Loki interrupted, “there will be a dagger buried in your side faster than you can even comprehend.”

“Yeah, sure. Right,” Tony said, unconcerned. Loki never made good on his threats to his friends, bar a tiny prank here or there. Whether it was because he actually cared about them or was just worried he’d be locked up again, no one was really sure. “All I mean to say is if you stopped preventing them from going on missions, maybe they would tell you the truth.”

He hated how right Tony was. His judgment was clouded, and though he didn’t want to say, it was because he cared about you. But loved? Did Loki even know what love was? He really wasn’t sure. Regardless, he should have been taking you on missions with him, protecting you from any danger. He’d seen you fight a great many times, you were good at it. But all that needed to happen was one tiny slip-up, one small mistake, and you’d be dead in a matter of seconds.

“Maybe, but do not tell me you have never gone to extremes to protect someone you care about,” Loki snapped back.

“You’re right. I have. For the people I love.”

“Oh, never mind!” Loki said, desperately trying to avoid a conversation about his emotions. “Just tell me which bay they will be returning to so I can go wait for them.”

Tony obliged, and Loki anxiously paced the floor, fidgeting with his hands as he anticipated your return. What seemed like, and very well could have been, hours later, your transport pulled in. He wasn’t sure if he was going to hug you or scold you first. It would probably be the first option. Sure, you’d lied to him, but he wasn’t blameless either. All that mattered was you were safe.

“Clear the way,” Steve shouted, as he and Nat helped you hobble out of the jet.

Loki’s heart plummeted to his stomach as he noticed a deep red staining your shirt, right below where your liver was. Sweat glistened on your brow as you struggled to stay up. He ran up to you and took you in his arms, running towards the elevator before he realized he could just teleport. He was at the med bay in seconds, screaming for help.

“Bring them here,” one nurse said, wheeling a gurney. “We’re prepared for them.”

He said a silent prayer of thanks for whoever had called ahead. There was nothing left to do but stare on helplessly while they took you away. He whirled around as Nat and Steve finally caught up.

“What happened? Tell me,” Loki demanded to know.

“There were more agents than planned,” Steve explained. “But they took the bullet so we could complete the mission.”

“And that makes it alright?” he shouted, completely bewildered.

“No, it doesn’t,” Steve tried to pacify him.

“But it was noble,” Nat added. “And they’re going to be alright.”

Loki stayed in the waiting room for the next couple hours, running his hand through his hair as a nervous tic. The other Avengers came and went, Thor begging his brother to at least sit for a little as it got late. But he refused. He would not rest until he knew you were alright. But what was this tight feeling in his chest? This painful feeling of anxious despair? Could Stark be right? Could he love you?

He loved you.

“Mr. Laufeyson?” a nurse said, approaching him.

“Yes,” he immediately responded, a slight edge to his voice. “Are they ok?”

“They are. The wound wasn’t as bad as it looked; they just lost a lot of blood. You can go in and see them now if you want.”

“I do. Thank you.”

With a nod in her direction, Loki was racing towards the room she’d directed him to. Before he just waltzed in, he calmed himself down enough to knock on the open door, drawing your attention away from the window and to his face. A smile instantly lit up your features as you saw him, sparking in him an intense hatred at the thought that he may have never seen that again had today gone differently.

“You lied,” he said, his voice even yet menacing. He surprised himself, for that wasn’t what he had been planning on saying. But now he felt angry enough to shout at the top of his lungs. “You said you would just be training.”

“Look, I’m sorry about that. I am.” Your eyes flicked down to the floor before meeting his again. “But I know you would have tried to stop me. You didn’t leave me with very many options.”

He let out a wry laugh. “I was protecting you!” Now he was shouting. “You do finally go out on a mission and look what happened!”

“I’m fine now, Loki,” you shouted back, seething. “That’s what happened! I don’t need you to protect me.”

“Do you have any idea what I would have done if you died?” You recoiled at his blunt, harsh words, making him instantly regret them. Besides, they were slightly manipulative. He didn’t want to do that, not to you. He wanted to change the direction of the conversation. Still, he carried on with his rant, having lost control. “Your behavior is reckless at best. I insist that you stay at the Tower, even once you are done healing.”

He knew he’d overstepped as soon as the words left his mouth. Even if he hadn’t, the murderous look in your eyes would have clued him in. Before he could apologize, take back what he’d said, you were talking again, your voice now a dangerous growl.

“Perhaps you didn’t hear me. I am not a kid, I don’t need you to protect me. I don’t need you.”

Your hands flew up to cover your mouth, not quite believing what you’d just said. Loki just flinched like a kicked puppy, tears stinging at the back of his eyes. It was his fault. He’d pushed you away. Why did he say those horrible things? Why did it take so long to admit to even himself that he loved you? Why didn’t he just tell you how he truly felt?

“You are right,” he replied, his blue-green eyes glued to the tile beneath him. “You do not need me. I will leave you alone now.”

His heart ached in his chest as you called after him. He wanted to go back, but now he could see he was no good for you. Or at least his latest actions weren’t. Had he really made you think he viewed you as a child? Based on what you said, it sure sounded like he had. What a fool he was.

He sullenly walked to his room and took in the space with fresh eyes. He thought of how many movies you’d watched together there on the tv he had installed specifically for that purpose. All the times you’d stayed up talking, comforting each other. Would he truly never have that again?

He wanted to scream, to cry, but mostly he just wanted to sleep. He should make amends, he knew, but he just wasn’t sure he had the strength to. Not if you truly didn’t need him, and to hear that you meant it would be more than he can bear. Loki closed his eyes and fell into a slumber riddled with dreams of you and all that could have been.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A month. He hadn’t talked to you in a month. Every time he was ready to talk to you, you were avoiding him, and every time you were ready to talk to him, he was avoiding you. It was frustrating, to say the least.

You were still healing a little, but had made a fairly quick recovery. Despite praying for the same to be true of your relationship with Loki, it was still as damaged as ever. But sometimes he’d still make you a cup of tea on the mornings he knew you’d need it most. You couldn’t tell if it was out of habit or if he still cared for you. You weren’t sure you wanted to know.

Checking the time, you realized you were going to be late for a meeting. You knew you weren’t supposed to run, lest you re-injure yourself, but you wanted to make sure you got there in time to get a mission assigned to you. It would be your first time back in the field since the accident. Maybe that was an odd thing to be excited about, but you were. Or maybe you just wanted something to distract you from the whole Loki situation.

“There you are,” Steve greeted. “We were just about to start.”

As of late, you and Loki had been sitting as far away from each other as possible. Today, due to your late arrival, there was only one seat left. Your old one, right across from him. With a gulp, you took it, looking everywhere but him. As Cap began speaking, you dared a glance at Loki out of the corner of your eye. He was staring right at you, as if willing you to look back. He must not have been though, because when you did turn to him, he looked like a deer caught in headlights and looked away from you. The light blush coloring his cheeks didn’t go unnoticed by you, and utterly confused by his behavior, you turned your attention back to Steve.

“Ok,” Steve said, turning to you. “I’ve got another intel mission for you, but only if you’re up for it.”

“Of course,” you replied, willing the nerves in your stomach away. “When do we leave?”

“Well, it’s not ‘we’ exactly,” he said, clearing his throat.

You glanced around the room. All the best fighters were already on a mission, and if you were going, it was probably to deal with the computers, not be the muscle. Bruce was still here, but if he was going to come, it wouldn’t be a stealth mission. Thor and Tony didn’t really specialize in stealth either, but it was more probable. And then there was Loki.

“So who am I going with then?” you gulped.

“Loki.”

“What?” the god exclaimed. “Why me? Cannot Natasha go? Or my brother, perhaps?”

“Nat’s on a mission,” Steve replied. “And anyway we need your magic.”

“Ok, well what about me? I can sit this one out,” you chimed in. “Tony is plenty good with computers, too.”

“Yes, but you’re stealthier,” Steve said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Listen,” Tony chimed in. “It’s true that I’m amazing with computers, but Capsicle gave you the mission, not me. I don’t know what little lovers’ quarrel you two are having right now, but you need to put it aside for the good of the mission. Whatever’s going on, you’re still teammates.”

“Fine,” Loki said through grit teeth, snatching his file from Steve’s outstretched hand. “I will go.”

All eyes in the room turned to you as Loki stormed out. With a sigh, you nodded your head yes and took your own file. You flipped through and saw you’d be leaving tonight.

As soon as the meeting ended, you went to your room to pack. You considered trying to find Loki and talk through your issues, even going so far as to walk up to his door, but you chickened out at the last second. Sitting on your bed and flipping through the file, you were reminded of the last mission you went on. But not memories of getting shot; you thought of your phone call with Loki. You’d been doing so well with not crying, but you finally broke down. All you wanted was to be able to sob into Loki’s shoulder, be held in his arms. But no matter how helplessly in love with him you were, you were certain he could never feel the same.

That night, you cried yourself to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ride over to the hydra base was hell. It was just you and Loki, not even a pilot since the jet could fly itself. You spent the whole flight in silence, stealing glances at each other. With nothing else to do, you reviewed the file again. The plan was to have Loki cover you both with an invisibility charm, and you’d sneak into the computer lab. From there, he’d keep lookout while you downloaded the information. Once that was done, you should just be able to stroll out under the invisibility spell. Ideally, there would be no combat. Not like “ideally” went so well last time.

“Ready?” was all you said to break the silence as you landed.

“Yes. You?” he replied.

You nodded, and he handed you your bag. Stepping out of the cloaked vehicle, Loki cast his enchantment over you. Your heart nearly leapt out of your chest as he took your hand. You could still see each other and, and you softly smiled up at him.

“The spell will work better the closer we are, darling.” He seemed to rethink the use of the pet name, but it had slipped out before he could stop it. “I will let go once you set to work.”

“Oh, yeah,” you replied somewhat dejectedly. “That’s fine.”

He kept his word and held on until you reached the room. When he let go, it seemed to be somewhat reluctantly, or maybe that was just wishful thinking.

“This shouldn’t take long,” you reassured him.

“Take your time,” he said with the most genuine smile you’d seen him have in over a month.

You tried to focus on the task at hand, but Loki was standing so close to you that your mind kept straying. It was like with every second that passed, he crept even closer to you. When it got to the point that he was practically standing on top of you, you couldn’t hold your tongue any longer.

“Can I help you?” you snapped.

“Pardon?”

“Why are you standing so close? Do you need something?”

“Yes. I need you to be safe. If there is a bullet fired today, I can assure you, you will not be taking it.”

“Loki, I thought I told you. I don’t need you to protect me.”

“Did Natasha need you to protect her? Did Steve?”

“Well, no, but-”

“And yet you did anyway,” he cut you off. “Because it is something that you do when you care. And I care deeply for you, my darling.”

Your mouth hung open a little in shock. You supposed you shouldn’t read too deeply into it. After all, he didn’t say in what way he cared, and he had been your best friend before all this. It was probably just that. But the way his thumb was caressing your cheek as you leaned into his hand made you think differently. Before you lost your nerve, you surged forward and kissed him. He returned it immediately, though he seemed a bit surprised. His lips were soft, and you wanted to drown in the sensation of him. Your arms wrapped around behind his neck, and when you pulled away from the heated moment, you brought your hands forward to rest on his shoulders.

“Darling,” he whispered.

“Yes, Loki?”

“There are a million things I wish to say to you. But they will have to wait until we are done with the mission and back on the ship. Safe.”

“Oh, yeah,” you said, pulling away sheepishly. “That.”

You finished the data transfer and were on your way back out. Loki held you even closer than he had walking in. A couple of agents passed you, and despite your urge to fight, the god held you back while the charm did its work. Loki hadn’t even realized he’d been holding his breath until you made it back to the Quinjet safely.

“So,” you said after a minute of flying in silence. “Are you ready to talk then?”

“Yes, darling. I am.” He moved, so that he was sitting next to you, holding your hand. “I made a mistake, I understand that. I was overbearing and lost my temper without even trying to talk things out. I am sorry.”

“Loki, I forgive you. And I’m sorry, too. I said some awful things that I didn’t mean. Plus, I lied to you, my best friend. I miss you.”

“All is forgiven.” He pressed a quick kiss to the back of your hand. “I miss you, too. And there is something else. What you said in the hospital wing? About me treating you like a child? You do not actually believe that I think of you as such?”

“I, well, sorta,” you stammered, a panic building in you. Maybe that kiss was unwanted, after all. “Yeah. I do.”

“Then, darling, I am sorry for that, too. It is not true.” He got up from his seat and knelt before you, never letting go of your hand. “Because you mean so much more to me than that. Because I love you.”

You launched yourself into his arms, kissing him again. He laughed in delight as the sudden force of it knocked him over, both of you landing on the ground, you on top of him. You didn’t even bother to get up.

“I love you, too,” you said before peppering his face with a thousand tiny kisses. “And I need you. I’ll always need you.

When you were done, he looked into your eyes for a second before kissing your lips again. It was heaven. Neither of you even noticed that the plane landed and ramp opened until you heard a wolf-whistle. You looked over to see Tony standing there.

“Well, Reindeer Games,” he smirked. “Looks like I was right, you two do love each other.”

You felt rather flustered as you and Loki sat up. Before you could come to your defense, Loki spoke, eloquent as ever.

“Yes, Stark, you were right,” he said, with eyes only for you, getting ready to kiss you again. “And I could not be happier.”

[etheriadearie]

Shadow Weaver’s Death, Her True Abusiveness, And Her Final, Beautiful, Gift To Catra

::The resistance fighters stand in the failsafe chamber. Catra has just called Shadow Weaver out on her manipulation. Shadow Weaver reluctantly explains the danger of the failsafe, and then implores Adora to take it: even if she fails, Shadow Weaver says, she will save her friends, and the universe. As literally every other person in that room cries out against Adora taking the risk, Adora turns and says she will do it. Catra, dismayed, runs to her telling her that Shadow Weaver is sacrificing her, and demands to know why she's letting her do that. Adora tells Catra "Because even if she is, it's better than Prime getting the Heart and destroying the universe." Catra trembles in deathly fear, her face consumed in terrible realization: if Adora does as SW wishes, she will die. Shadow Weaver is trying to kill Adora. She knows this to her very soul, because... she is Shadow Weaver... And Adora is letting it happen…

Hi there, my name is Joel, and in this segment I'll be looking at Shadow Weaver's death, her being a child abuser, her terrible manipulations of Catra and Adora and the monstrous pains the two girls have to conquer to save themselves from her.

The main premise I'll be trying to explain here is that, like Horde Prime, Shadow Weaver is a villain of utmost seriousness. And, like Horde Prime, the girls will treat her as one, surpassing and defeating her once and for all. But it won't be with violence, but instead with love, creating a beautiful story of two people transcending their trauma and hurt through coming together over their love for one another.

I feel obliged to warn readers: this post will cover child abuse, even predatation (*not sexual, ie). It may be hard to read. Also warning: tl;dr, please consider at least sitting down to read this!

Finally, I know there are Shadow Weaver fans out there; that's good. Shadow Weaver is, at times, cool af. But, definitively a terrible person within the plot of the show.

So, even if you're a fan of Shadow Weaver, I still encourage you to read along because as we reveal her truth and the damage she deals to Catra and Adora, it makes her final moment so, so much more beautiful… and it gives entirely new meaning to her final... two… words….

Disclaimer time: Taking on Shadow Weavers death is ambitious for a first post, I know. But understanding her is crucial to understanding most of the major moments in this show. Still, I should say here that while this may seem a bit ‘head’ canon-y, I assure you my conclusions come from watching the show carefully and referencing the entirety of the rest of the show back to this one moment. I'm instead positing these as theories, and let's just say I feel I have the data, and Data Never Lies! Please *do* ask questions or seek calcifications in the comments or Ask me anything (I'm new to Tumblr).

----Part 1: Catra, Micah, and the Truth----

To start this journey we will travel backwards in the series to investigate the what and why of the terrible child abuse Catra suffered growing up under Shadow Weaver's care. We will be looking chiefly at the Light Spinner episode in the 2nd season. We will cover Catra's confrontation and SW's -supposed- explanation for her abuse, then the tale of Micah and Shadow Weaver's manipulation of him, and then the terrible truth of why Catra -really- was abused.

>A terribly alone Catra asks her abusive mother why she did it. Why did she treat her so badly ?

Shadow Weaver answers: "Because you remind me of myself. You always have. Nothing was ever easy for me either. I wasn't born to power like Adora and... others. I had to earn my power, fight for it. Why should it be any different for you?"

This is a very typical reason for an abuser to feel they are acting out their abuse on others: no one in this world understands my pain, so therefore I will inflict my pain upon a child so that they will know my pain as well. For many people this is essentially the truth of their abusers. I can't see any other reason for MY abusers to do what they did, other than this. It is, however, not the truth about Catra. We will discuss this in detail later.

We then watch as Catra does a very strong and eloquent job of rejecting and condemning it. She shows great emotional pain as she does so, and we know that her trauma is severe from watching her. Catra exclaims, her face full of emotional hurt and pain at Shadow Weaver's betrayal: "I was a child when you took me in. What could I have possibly done to deserve the way you treated me? I am nothing like you. You are old, and bitter, and weak."

Everything she says is perfectly true. As a child, there is no way she could have deserved the abuse Shadow Weaver inflicted on her. There never is. And she's also right when she says she's not anything like Shadow Weaver. Where Shadow Weaver is an unfeeling monster (as we will see), Catra feels deeply. Catra is inherently good, and while she will make terrible mistakes to come, she feels intense remorse. Shadow Weaver simply does not.

So, Shadow Weaver gives Catra a believable reason for the abuse, which, again, is a lie. But... there is meaning which we need to take from her choice of words: Shadow Weaver feels others, like Adora and Micah, are given an unfair advantage over people like herself. We will come back to this important insight soon...

Before we get to the real, harsh truth of why Catra was abused, we need to understand the tale of Micah and ‘Light Spinner’-‘s manipulation of him to get power.

>The story of Micah seems to be full of whimsy and childlike innocence. A young boy is talented beyond his years, a true prodigy. SW trains him, giving him access to teachings beyond what a sorcerer of his age should have. She tells him he's special, a true talent, like her. When she tells him "the guild needs talents like OURS more than ever before" she manipulates him, making him feel apart, better than all the other students and teachers, and that only SW can understand. It's SW's greatest talent: dividing people against each other, and this is part of her lifelong manipulation of Catra and Adora. Note: Castaspella accuses SW of mind controlling Micah (s5e8) to which SW responds "My gifts were always far subtler than that” - SW controls young Micah through mind games.

>SW hints of something of great importance, but then says "you're not ready". Micah demands to know, he's a special boy after all, right? He's so incredibly naive and innocent, doing things like chewing on magic crystals and acting out in class. He is, in fact, exactly the kind of privileged child who SW so greatly hates. This is where we get real meaning out of SW's supposed explanation for abusing Catra: Micah has inborn power that SW feels he is unworthy of possessing...

She preys upon his naiveness, showing him the Horde army. He, of course, demands they be stopped, and he's playing right into her hands. When she tells him the plan and of the upcoming meeting she tells him "I only hope that Norwyn and his followers can see the threat as clearly as YOU do." Again, she is making him feel apart, as though he's better than others. After all, he's a special little prodigy, right ?

SW gives her presentation at the council, trying to prey upon their fear by saying that the Horde have a rune stone. As she speaks of the spell of obtainment, her eyes are full of lust at the idea of so much power. But it is forbidden, and for good reason. As she looks over her shoulder at Norwyn her look is severe, accusing. She has no respect for him. And he's right to say that the problem will be handled: the war, in fact, does become a stalemate and stays that way all the way up until we are first introduced to Catra and Adora. Angrily, greedily, she demands they get power so they can 'have a planet to protect'.

She fails to convince them, but of course Micah sees her leaving the meeting, angry and frustrated, so he comes to her aide. "They never listen to me. After all I've done I still haven't earned their trust". Again, SW is set apart from them. When she says "they just want to hold the rest of us back" she's including Micah, making him feel separate, better, like her. She's indoctrinating him in her plan.

>We get a scene between Catra and SW here, where Catra tries to get SW to give her a reason to save her. All SW wants to know is when she's being sent to Beast Island: she realizes she has to escape that night. She sets out to manipulate Catra into giving her the reagent she needs to escape. SW talks up how weak and powerless she is, preying on Catra's lingering pity, desire for connection. A emotionally desperate Catra unfortunately gives it to her. Catra tells her "you don't get to ask things of me anymore" but she's desperate and depressed, feeling totally alone after so recently seeing Adora and consequently nearly dying the episode before, only to be saved by Scorpia's caring about her.

>And apprehensive Micah asks SW if she's sure this is a good idea. She tells him "WE need this power, it's the only way to protect our people". It's a lie, but Micah thinks he's special because he's SW's apprentice, and so he agrees to do it.

As the spell begins to work, we see a terrifying eldritch horror type of creature summoned. It soon breaks free even as Micah helps SW try to contain it. SW acts surprised to see it, but she always knew this spell. Micah runs, and SW stays, yelling angrily at Micah for leaving. She experiences fear as it consumes her, but she knows it's part of getting her power. This is the price she pays to become powerful. She tells Micah he betrayed her by abandoning her and yet, what other possible outcome was there but for them BOTH to be destroyed or corrupted? Norwyn tries to stand up to her, telling her "bringing you into our ranks was a grave mistake". She counters calling him a fool. "You're all weak. None of you deserve my help".

I often see people say this show doesn't show death, but what happens next is undeniably so: it is murder. She annihilates two sorcerer's in one hit, consumes the head sorcerer to give her more magical power. It is pure evil. As she realizes her new power she exclaims "The spell worked. I am stronger than ALL of you." She menaces Micah.

This. Was. Always. The. Plan. The spell worked, she says so herself. Micah tries to defend himself weakly against her, he's entirely at her mercy. He expects death, but instead she caresses his cheek, touches his ear. Then she gives him a look of disdain. It's no mistake she covers half her face even at this point in her history, so we can't know her full emotions. But it's clear, she condescends to him: he was a naive little pawn, not meant to survive, or at minimum, he was supposed to become corrupted like her. But it doesn't matter. She got what she wanted. So she leaves him to live knowing what he's done. The tale of ‘Light Spinner’ has ended: her better persona was just an illusion, useful in her goal of obtaining more power. An empowered Shadow Weaver then shows up at the Fright Zone, killing the guard as a demonstration of power. She declares herself for Hordak, and at least a partial truth is apparent: she wanted the vampiric power so she could channel the Black Garnet. Changing sides bothers SW not at all.

I point out SW’s violence because it is the only time they show any graphic death in this show, and it's therefore meant to show that SW is different, and dangerous. There really was no ‘Light Spinner’, as at multiple moments during her time at Mystacor her true emotions show through (such as pic1, top) and they are both vile and malicious, to put it lightly. Furthermore, note that SW going to the Horde doesn't end up ensuring their victory over the princesses, so yes, in fact, SW was lying to Micah all along. Last, keep in mind Micah’s opinion of her later on: SW is never to be trusted.

Now it's time to get back to the real reason Catra was abused and it's important implications for Adora's abuse as well.

>The scene following Catra's confrontation with SW, we see baby Adora having just arrived in the Fright Zone. SW walks past her, not particularly interested... and yet she sees something in her. And so she takes interest. She knows, in some way, that Adora will wield powerful magic, and since it also becomes clear to us that SW knows all about the past history of She-ra and the Heart of Etheria, it's a logical jump to say she probably thinks Adora is She-ra. Either way, Adora is a powerful orphan child with inborn talent beyond any normal expectation.

Sound familiar? The tale of Micah is there to inform this moment: SW meeting baby Adora. She is in a position to wield ultimate control over a magically privileged child. And the implications are not good...

Apologies to readers here, this next part is intense. Just a quick warning. The total implication of this is that SW never loved Adora, just like she didn't care about Micah. It is all manipulation, and it should be noted that at this point SW has switched to a full mask, conveniently hiding all emotion except a sliver of her eyes (as well as hiding her corrupted features). It's now almost entirely impossible to accurately read her emotions. I don't think she wants you to, as she really has no feelings of actual compassion. She only sees Adora as a privileged child she will use and then discard for her own power.

This means she is, in fact, a child predator. In this case, she's a predator of children of privilege, but the effect is the same: she sees such children as easy targets for her to manipulate for her own gain. Worse, the strong emotional feelings which Adora naturally feels towards those around her makes her easier to control, and SW manipulates this vulnerability against her, as a child and then again as they are headed for the failsafe.

So, returning to the real truth of why SW abused Catra. Let's take a look back at Catra’s condemnation of SW's explanation for her abuse, and it's just one line we need to understand: "I was a child, what could I have possibly done to deserve the way you treated me?" As it turns out, Catra -did- do something, and you have to adore and appreciate this show because we don't get this answer until the very end. Before season 5 was available, it would simply be impossible to understand Catra's story fully. The creators want you to come full circle of so many understandings, the story is that deep.

It's that one, beautiful, follow on line when Catra confesses her love to Adora- She says "I always have"...

Adora was Shadow Weaver's tool, her next prey. So, along comes Catra, who experiences romantic love for Adora right from the start. Beautiful, total love and devotion. SW sees this, and she decides that she can't let Catra be a hindrance to her plans. And yet she knows she can't kill Catra outright or risk losing Adora's affection. So she hurts Catra, tries to make her weak, to diminish her. She is trying to crush Catra's spirit, her will to live, all while making sure to instill a sense of duty and ambition in Adora which makes her less available to Catra. The abuse works, but not on Catra. Catra stays loyal to Adora, and is so secretly strong within herself in such a way that SW fails to destroy her spirit, although Catra has such incredible trauma from it that we see her struggle with it throughout the rest of the series.

But the abuse does work on Adora and so she grows apart from Catra in such a way that Catra eventually comes to feel Adora doesn't love her. And when Adora so clearly breaks the final half of the promise she made to Catra, Catra too, grows apart from Adora.

Catra therefore represents a person in this story who would have been so entirely below SW's notice that had she not loved Adora the way she did, SW would never have taken the time to hurt her. It wouldn't have been worth her time, and Catra would have had a happy(ish) childhood if not for loving Adora. By the way, this truth of SW's abuse of Catra is indeed confirmed in the show, but we don't have time to cover it here and it deserves its own theory post, anyways.

Before we get back to s5 let's take a brief moment to address SW's abuse of Adora: Adora is the kind of person who can't help but empathetically feel the pain of others when they feel it, and it's what makes her to be so unable to balance her own needs against those of others who are hurting. And so SW making Adora have ambition, to want to win at the expense of others, is actually a frightening manipulation. SW teaches Adora to believe she has to do this in order to be the leader, and then as the leader she must protect everyone else from harm. Adora goes on to show great emotional confusion over this, as she doesn't really feel she’s qualified to be that leader. It makes her feel alone from everyone else, and makes Adora worry about every decision she makes. SW essentially saddles Adora with a lonely burden of leadership, one which she's not well suited for. Adora has a very ADHDish (I’m no expert on ADHD) response to this where she bounces around trying to satisfy everyone else’s feelings, such as within their unit, and so her relationship with Catra suffered because of this.

To sum up, the abuses SW inflicts on the two of them results in their division from each other, and it's a division which tries to tear down both girls spiritually throughout this series. They each have specific traumas relating to Shadow Weaver's abuse of them. These are different, damaging fears SW instilled in each of them to make them easier to control. Because of this, both girls contribute to their separation to the two different sides of the war, and it's only through the great emotional learning of each of them that they are able to start putting it back again in season 5. And so, we will see that when SW returns in season 5, she immediately tries to pick up where she left off… to drive them apart from each other and manipulate them, once again, for her own gain.

Side note #2 before we get back to season 5: SW has a complete and total lack of love for Catra as well. Her callous manipulation of Catra, followed by leaving the fright zone like she did, was a spiritual blow and then a death sentence for Catra. SW would know this and yet she simply did not care. Furthermore, when they meet in Moment of Truth (s3ep4), SW again tries to kill Catra, only stopping short because Glimmer can't withstand the magical drain SW is taking from her. She's just not good people... And if she has such a total lack of love or compassion for Catra, it's a logical jump that she has just as little love and feeling for Adora.

Anyways... let's work on that season 5, phew, I know this is long. We're not done yet, though...

----Part 2: The present up till SW’s Death----

Alright, so returning back to season 5 where we began...

Catra is certain that SW is killing Adora. And the reason Catra is so certain of this is because she understands this fundamental truth behind the childhood abuse of of her and Adora. She knows that SW intended to use Adora, and was grooming her in order to use her to gain more power. And, she knows the true nature of SW’s abuse of Catra herself, that it was meant to destroy her so she wouldn't get in the way of SW using Adora.

How exactly Catra knows this I won't cover here, it would take too long and it deserves its own theory post. But, it is pretty well confirmed in the show as well. No distractions! Moving on...

So… when Adora tells Catra she will take the failsafe even though SW is killing her, it's Catra’s knowledge that SW is for certain doing this to Adora which leads Catra to shake in fear, and then refuse Adora once she returns with the failsafe. This moment goes much deeper than just Catra knowing she can't live without Adora, although that is also true.

Ok so here it is, the big theme we will now delve into, that explains so much:

The all important, crucial thing that Catra isn't seeing is that in order for SW to sacrifice Adora, it is entirely dependent on abusive manipulations is SW doing to both of them, starting from the moment they first see SW in season 5, which are intended to make sure Adora doesn't survive deploying the failsafe.

I know it's a tough implication to accept, but I promise to explain. So why? Why would SW not want Adora to survive? This, atleast, should be obvious: She-ra could stop SW once she has the power, so She-ra is an enemy that SW needs to eliminate to achieve ultimate power. So, SW's goal is to get Adora to bring the failsafe to the heart, but then be too weak to survive the process... leaving SW the uncontested champion by her magical vampiric powers. And so... SW manipulates the two girls, doing her most familiar trick: driving them apart, making them feel isolated from each other.

Her manipulations begin from the very moment Catra and Adora see her in season 5, and they continue up until Adora accepts the failsafe and a bit beyond.

So let's lay this out from the beginning, shall we? Episode 10: When SW walks into the room, saying she knows where the failsafe is, Catra is at first surprised at her appearance, she's thrown off guard. Catra very much wanted to stop SW once and for all, but never got the chance. And now, the new, more feeling Catra is faced with her oldest enemy: she can't hide her hatred and anger at her. It pretty much takes everything she's got not to violently attack her right there and then. But this new Catra isn't going to sink to that low. And yet... SW will intentionally aggravate and attack Catra to reactivate her trauma.

What I find very interesting about that scene, though, is that both Glimmer and Adora immediately look to Catra, knowing she will be upset, both trying to help her. And yet, it's Glimmer who looks first.

Even though Glimmer never says it out loud, Glimmer knows SW played and manipulated Glimmer herself, and that her manipulations were ultimately the reason that Glimmer made the mistake of activating the Heart, which brought Horde Prime's fleet down upon Etheria. Glimmer also watched SW torture and almost kill Catra in s3ep4, so I think Glimmer knows very well how dangerous SW is and how badly she's hurt Catra in the past. Instead, we can take the story of Glimmer and SW as another stand out example of how, once again, we saw SW manipulate someone, Glimmer in this case, with no concern for her well being.

>Adora is also thrown off by SW's reappearance, she doesn't enjoy seeing her either. But then, she also sympathetically looks to Catra, knowing this is a hurtful moment for her. All of this is to say that Catra actually has strong allies against SW, unlike in the past. And it's very important that Adora is such a staunch ally to Catra against SW, in fact it's everything. But, Adora doesn't quite do a good enough job in showing Catra how strongly aligned she, too, is against SW. Unintentional though it may be, as we will see.

>Episode 11: Continuing on, Glimmer immediately opposes SW's desire to use the heart's power. Castaspella tries to say SW is the lesser of evils, but of course, Castaspella is just a pawn. Catra jumps on Casta's words, calling SW evil... SW taunts her back mockingly and we see Catra's anger start to get out of control. But, Adora knows, one way or another, that SW is the root of all of Catra's pain, and so she comforts her, showing her that she sees her pain, and that she's got her back.

Again, it's very important that Adora is Catra's greatest ally against SW, as she has learned to treat SW as a de facto enemy because she has seen the pain and torment Catra experienced because of SW’s abuse; in addition to her own knowledge of how SW manipulated herself as a child.

>Adora confronts SW, asking why she even needs their help getting the failsafe. SW answer is a lie, but plays to her manipulation of Casta, who she needs: she says she can't get past Micah. (Note: who she actually needs is Adora.) As SW tells her plan she leans into Adora's emotional fears of letting others get hurt and reminds Adora she has to be the hero, SW even touches Adora, which we see Catra react angrily to. But, SW successfully manipulates Adora into accepting her plan, and Catra can't stand to watch it as she knows it must somehow be a dangerous manipulation. Catra quietly leaves to try to process her anger. We then see Adora slap SW's hand away, showing defiance, but as Catra has left, she probably doesn't see that. Adora looks around and sees that Catra is gone, which SW responds to by trying to manipulate her into leaving Catra behind, as she knows Adora is more vulnerable without Catra around. But Adora is wary of SW's manipulations, and goes after Catra. SW is aggravated by this.

>The two girls have a very good, emotional talk about SW. Catra is dismayed, but Adora is always brave for others, so she tells her she's got to try. Adora acknowledges Catra's pain, their pain, from SW's abuse. Ultimately Adora convinces Catra to come. Together, Adora says SW can't hurt them anymore. Catra reminds Adora how dangerous SW is, but the girls have reaffirmed their bond, their promises to each other. Which is important later, as this will come up again.

>As they infiltrate Mystacore, Catra is apprehensive and stays at the back. But as the mission progresses she drifts towards the front, trying to be the lookout so she can protect Adora. This, unfortunately, puts her in physical proximity to SW when they check the ritual chamber. Catra checks the chamber, but then a sorcerer appears out of nowhere (literally, how??) and SW grabs her in a way that's very reminiscent of s1ep2, traumatizing her.

I can't help but conclude SW is being intentionally hurtful in order to unnerve Catra. She could have just pointed, or put her hand to Catra's mouth, after all. Catra throws herself away from SW, demanding she not touch her, and makes the mistake of dropping the spell and revealing their presence. Look closely at this scene and you see Adora actually shows great anger, even violent intent towards SW for doing this to Catra, but it's so quick Catra probably doesn't see it, as she's staring down SW instead.

Under a track, Adora tries to become She-ra, but she's too emotionally conflicted since the episode before when they returned to the Fright Zone and Adora started to realize she's been letting Catra down, leaving her hanging. And SW's hurting of Catra also blocks Adora, she's trying to help Catra and yet she's accepting SW's guidance again, which she knows Catra hates and doesn't trust.

>As they pass through the door and continue down a corridor, Adora sees Catra is in emotional pain and holding herself, so she lends her emotional support. She knows SW touching her was incredibly abusive. She tells Catra that it'll be ok, and to trust her, hitting her with her dearest look of love and care for her. She knows SW is Catra's enemy, and she's got her back. Catra looks back, trying to trust her, to put her fear aside. But the moment is cut short when SW interrupts them, guilting Catra for revealing their presence. Adora walks on, saying they have to keep moving, and her face says she's doing it to stop SW from talking to Catra, but again, Catra doesn't see Adora's face. Catra feels left behind, that the moment was cut short. It's by the barest off margins Catra is missing how strongly Adora is coming down against SW for her sake.

> We get more information about SW's corruption next, that it's a way to bypass the crystal of Arxia and get at Heart of Etheria's energy, and we know this because it's discussed immediately after Castaspella tells them about the crystal of Arxia. So, if the magic is released, SW will have practically unlimited power. SW just mocks Casta when she tries to guilt SW over using the spell, she gives no apology. We see both Catra and Glimmer seemingly have a deeper realization about SW and her powers and that both of them look disturbed by it.

>Continuing on, we get the scene where Catra saves Adora from fire, which is so cute but I'll skip the romantic implications: as Catra walks through the fire, Adora stops and frets over not knowing what to do about Catra, how to give her what she wants. Adora is worried she's going to fail, that she could die. It's Adora's biggest, lifelong fear as the bearer of She-ra, and she struggles with it continuously throughout the series. To her, it therefore doesn't make sense to her to get Catra's hopes up too soon.

>Adora's thoughts naturally turn to her inability to transform... and SW pounces on the opportunity in order to exploit it.

Consider now, if Adora's problem is becoming She-ra, why does SW immediately give her a hard time about Catra, instead? Adora rejects SW's criticism, but SW flips the conversation telling Adora she can't be a weak She-ra and seemingly blaming it all on Catra. She tells Adora that her weakness means she's letting everyone else down. SW tells her she has to focus, and Catra makes her weak. This is terribly the opposite of the truth and SW knows this. What she’s really doing is a deep manipulation of Adora that leans on her early abuse of her: Adora has to be perfect for everyone else, and as she's the only one who can do it, she's totally alone in this burden. The truth is that Adora has always needed other people, that's where she draws strength from. Catra loves Adora simply for who she is: she represents the strongest, smartest and most dedicated person, ie, she's the most powerful person to help Adora with her emotional need for support.

Which SW knows, so she does her best to try to separate them, to make Adora think she's alone. SW does this by grouping Catra with everyone else: save everyone, or no one. Then she delivers a direct assault of Adora spiritually by saying "the world needs She-ra right now, not Adora". She's telling Adora that she doesn't matter, only She-ra matters, and she needs to be willing to give it all up to be that hero. We see Adora search SW's face, she's not satisfied and then she does her best to reject her, pulling her hand away in anger while saying she will stop Prime “no matter what.” Catra is eavesdropping on this, but can't see that Adora stands up to SW so strongly... as usual. Catra knows SW is up to no good with it, though. Doubt takes root in Adora, and it aggravates her fears that she's not good enough to be She-ra.

>Arriving at the failsafe chamber, SW gives away just how much she already knows about the Heart. SW explains the failsafe, and so we know she always planned on getting Adora to accept the failsafe, risking it all. Adora approaches, trying to be brave for everyone else.

One of Catra's most important moments follows: she stops Adora from accepting the failsafe, and calls SW out for her bullshit. She's not going to let Adora walk into a trap when she knows better. Catra flips it on SW, telling her to take the failsafe, making SW tell them why it's dangerous, why SW won't do it herself. She points out how SW knows too much, yet didn't pursue the power of the failsafe. Catra is totally certain that SW wants to hurt Adora, and so she's calling her out to get SW to reveal her manipulation of Adora.

SW instead tries to guilt Adora, saying she alone understands that this is the only way to stop Prime. But Catra stands firm, she protects Adora from SW's manipulation as best she can.

Confronted and trapped by Catra's having seen through her plan, we see literally every person in the room ally themselves against SW. SW is forced to admit the truth: using the failsafe will mean death even for She-ra, if she isn't strong enough.

And so Adora realizes what's coming, that She-ra is the only one who can do it. She's terrified and sad at the thought that this could, will, be her end; that she really will have to give it all up for everyone else. She's always thought she'd have to. It's a deep held belief that she's alone in her burden as She-ra.

Adora asks the obvious question: What happens if I die? SW's next words prey upon Adora's every weakness, her lack of belief in her self worth, and innate need to protect others: "Then the magic will be restored to Etheria, through your sacrifice. You will give us the power to bring us to victory. Prime will be defeated. Your friends will be free." SW is listing out every last thing that will happen if Adora doesn't do it, and each is a part of her greatest fears. Adora is unable to resolve between her distrust of SW and need to protect and be brave for everyone else's sake. SW has her trapped by her own emotions.

Catra looks on, watching the manipulation, seeing the consequences of Adora attempting this. Everything about this moment speaks to manipulations SW has used on Adora before: she preys on emotional need and weakness, she isolates Adora in her burden, she even does the dreaded ear touch. If Adora does what SW says, Catra knows it'll be the death of her.

As SW completes her manipulation, everyone in the room cries out against the unfair decision Adora must make. And yet, Adora doesn't see a choice. Catra puts it best, saying: "you don't care about Adora, Adora can't even care about herself!"

But Bow's words also have meaning: "Theres no way we're risking Adora like that." For all that Bow and Glimmer have done for Adora, she's still supposed to be the champion that's going to save them. They need things from her, not simply Adora as herself. All in all, Bow and Glimmer did their absolute and kindest best to help Adora, often emotionally supporting her through her depressions and fears of not being a good She-ra. But in the end, they still needed her to be She-ra.

But Catra is different, all she wants is Adora, and for her to be safe and loved, and ideally, to be with her. Catra's opinion in this moment is the true one, the most honest. But Adora can't overcome the thought of failing everyone, and so she pushes forward, saying she will take the failsafe.

Adora is feeling alone, trapped by fate. Catra runs to her, literally shaking her in order to try to convey how sure she is that Adora is going to die if she does this. But Adora can't let the universe die, and she's She-ra. She (Adora) doesn't matter. It's only what she can do to try to fix things for others that matters, her hero's burden. Adora pushes Catra's hands off her, in a lifetime of pain and sorrow Catra has never looked so sad. Adora really is pushing her away, not seeing how seriously Catra feels, how badly she needs Adora to understand her in this moment. A dissociated Adora looks internally, accepting her fate, alone again, isolated.

Maybe Catra could have found a way to get through to Adora, but they run out of time. A chipped Micah shows up and begins to systematically defeat them, and Adora has no more time to choose. SW is easily taken down by Micah, it shows his anger at her. He taunts her, she's got nowhere to hide. This is interesting, but not our focus..

Adora again tries to summon She-ra and fails. She simply can't resolve between her sense of failure to Catra and her need to be brave for everyone else. She looks to Catra, decides to do the brave thing as herself, not as She-ra, even if it means she will fail, and hurt Catra. After all, since she’s She-ra, she has to try, right? This is her burden.

As SW turns to Adora and says "the failsafe... we... we can't" Adora is pressed by urgency, doing what she can. Catra tries one last desperate plea: "Please. It doesn't always have to be you!" Adora can't accept this, internally she is certain she has to save everyone. Even if this includes SW herself, and so when Catra later says Adora chose SW, not her in this moment, Catra is right, except that Adora believed she had no choice. Adora is also the only one in this moment who can reach the failsafe, and so it seems like fate is against her. Adora knows she's probably choosing to die, and if she does, she knows Catra will probably die of a broken heart as well. She really does choose SW over Catra, in a way. It's a tough moment, but taking the failsafe is the right thing to do, given the circumstances.

Receiving the failsafe is intense, and as Adora tries to withstand it, Micah binds the entire party with dark magic. Interestingly, this means SW indoctrinated Micah more than we're shown, and now that he's chipped, he is uninhibited.

Adora sees everyone is in danger, if she doesn't come through now it's all over. It gives her that singular focus she needs, summoning She-ra is easy because if she doesn't, Catra, all of them, are about to die.

Failsafe achieved, Micah vanquished, Adora offers Catra her hand, she's trying to show Catra she's there for her, they are together. But Catra rejects her, she's too sure that SW has won, that Adora will die. In this moment all the old trauma Catra carries is too strong, and SW has unnerved her too greatly. As Catra runs from her, Adora realizes that Catra was trying to tell her something deeper, but somehow she's missed it.

>Catra watches Adora sleep, she's emotionally distraught at the thought of her dying. So, she tries to sneak away. Adora finds out, and manages to confront Catra before she can leave. This is one of the most heartbreakingly beautiful scenes about love in this show, but I'll just cover how SW's manipulations come into play...

>Adora tackles Catra, and demands she explain why she’s leaving. Catra throws SW's words back at Adora, that she's a distraction, that she makes Adora too weak to be She-ra. Catra knows this was a unfair manipulation by Shadow Weaver, but she couldn't see, only hear, what happened between Shadow Weaver and Adora. She doesn't know that Adora rejected Shadow Weaver so strongly, both spiritually and by violently pulling away from her. Adora tries her best to get Catra to see that she's not doing this because of Shadow Weaver's manipulation, that she's trying to rise above SW's control of her. But Catra pushes her away, instead trying to speak to a more central truth: Adora's need to serve everyone else's needs, her inability to regulate her desire to make things better for others who are hurting or will get hurt, and balance that against her own needs and safety. She's speaking to the part of Adora which Shadow Weaver is exploiting to get what she wants from her, to control her. It doesn't really matter in this moment to Catra whether Adora is doing it for Shadow Weaver or not, because either way Adora is allowing Shadow Weaver to win. Catra wants Adora to be better than a slave to her emotional need to help others no matter the cost or danger. She's asking Adora to be strong in herself in a way Adora has never been able to be. She challenges her, asking "What do you want, Adora?" The obvious answer, Catra believes, is her. But Adora is too worried she will die and let Catra down to let her romantic feelings about Catra manifest and make it real between them, and taking the failsafe has made Adora all the more doubtful of her own survival. Adora counters "I have to do this Catra, I'm the only one who can." It's all to say that Adora is alone in her burden, and she accepts it and its consequences because she's She-ra. Adora doesn't believe she has value, or deserves happiness unless she can save everyone, including Catra.

Adora believes as She-ra, she is totally alone in her burden. This is wrong of course, Catra does see her and understands her burden, and is the one person in the world who wishes to share that load with her, unlike the other princesses who need Adora to be a hero and save them. But both girls are weak from their deep traumas which Shadow Weaver has reaggravated, and they can't overcome them. Catra resigns herself to the belief that Adora is unable to rise above her most basic emotional need to serve others, telling her "Then do it. That's what you want, that's what you'll always choose." She can't stand to watch Adora kill herself so willingly to serve everyone else, all while letting SW win. She rejects Adora, and turns to leave. Adora desperately begs Catra to stay, wanting her to uphold their promise and telling her she needs her, but is unable to vocalize her desire to be with Catra romantically. Meanwhile, in Catra's mind, Adora is just going to let herself die, and if she does, then Adora never really needed her after all... all Adora cares about is being She-ra. It's harsh, but true... even if what she's doing about it is so wrong.

It's a painful moment for both of them, and it's horrible because Catra is so clearly breaking their promise, the one that Adora restored to Catra she came to rescue her from Horde Prime. And yet, her leaving will work in the end. Catra gets Adora to see how crucial it is that she not let Shadow Weaver win, to let Shadow Weaver get whatever she wants by taking that cost from Adora's own life. And it's how Adora finally becomes too strong for Shadow Weaver to ever manipulate again.

>As Adora returns to camp, still crying from Catra's abandonment, Shadow Weaver tries to swoop in and make her manipulations of Adora take their final hold. She tells Adora she "made the right choice, don't let Catra convince you otherwise, she's never understood." Dreaded ear touch and all. By saying Catra can't understand, Shadow Weaver tries to make Adora feel alone in her burden as She-ra, seeking to weaken her spirit. But we see a total shift in Adora's attitude as she rejects SW’s cruelty and manipulations entirely. Her words carry incredible weight and speak to how she's so clearly seen through SW's malicious manipulations of the two of them. "Stop. I will never forgive you. You ruin people. You ruin any chance they could ever be happy." Adora just watched Catra reject her and abandon her because she couldn't stand to lose Adora again over SW's manipulations. It's by knowing Catra's pain that Adora is able to finally deny Shadow Weaver any sliver of control over her. As always, Adora couldn't do it for herself, she couldn't resolve between her deeper need to save everyone and SW's plans to use her for her own gain. But Adora is strong for others, and so she's strong for Catra. By leaving, Catra has given Adora the ability to rise above any manipulation Shadow Weaver can do to her.

Adora stands up to Shadow Weaver once and for all in her next words: "I'm going to take the failsafe to the heart, and I'm going to save Etheria. But I am not doing it for you. I'll do everything I can to make sure you never get your hands on the magic." (pic1, fyi) Note the exact words Adora speaks here as we will return to them later, they are important. While Adora has seen past SW’s manipulations, and seen that Shadow Weaver only ever desired power, she doesn't realize how SW's childhood abuse of her and attempts to manipulate her in the present are making her too weak to survive deploying the failsafe. To get past that, Catra must help Adora.

EPISODE 12: We watch as Adora struggles to become She-ra, but eventually manages it. She's seen through SW's plan after all, and so she does her best to believe she is strong enough to win on her own, to survive the heart. But she misses Catra desperately. She rallies her people, and ends her speech by saying resolutely that she will take the failsafe to the Heart and destroy it. It's an incredible speech, Adora has become a wonderful leader, but then she looks up and sees Shadow Weaver hiding in the back. As SW meets her gaze, She-ra's form falters and we see Adora's face for a split second. She's furious at her, that she hurt Catra so badly that she ran away.

Adora moves away from the group so they don't see her lose her She-ra form because of the turmoil she feels over Shadow Weaver and losing Catra. Bow and Glimmer check on Adora, knowing she has a tendency to try to sneak away so people won't see her risk her life. Glimmer is perceptive and asks about Catra, she knows it's Catra that Adora needs, that her being gone is tearing Adora up inside. Glimmer is a great friend to the both of them. Adora voices concern for their safety if they come with her, but Bow and Glimmer know Adora needs support. And so they will try their best, even though they know Adora is heartbroken from Catra leaving her.

>Buoyed by their support, Adora goes to the ruins to try to face her final task, to overcome it through her own strength alone. Bow and Glimmer take her hands, we see Adora does her best to set her fear aside. And yet, as they enter she wonders where Catra is, whether she will come back to honor their promise.

>Catra looks back, also experiencing pain over their separation. She has not been able to overcome her trauma, and manage her feelings. Well isn't it just nice to have a telepathic therapy pet! Melog stops, and forces her to actualize her feelings and process them. At first Catra tries to deny them, saying she won't go back, but Melog sits on her. She cries, saying out loud her deepest feelings. Let's take this one in steps. "You saw what happened, A-Adora chose Shadow Weaver, not me". In a very real sense Adora did do this, she pushed Catra away in the failsafe chamber. She ignored Catra's warnings and, in Catra's mind, committed herself to death at the hands of SW's manipulation. The next line is one of the most important in the series, but we will only cover it briefly as it's romantic implications are best discussed elsewhere: "Adora doesn't want me, not like I want her." We get to see one of the most honest truths about Catra: she is an intensely romantic person, and has always had the most incredible dreams of them being together. But a lifetime of pain has told Catra that it can't be real, or atleast, not for her. It is deep seated trauma that blocks her, trauma Shadow Weaver started and then aggravated against her, making her leave Adora just moments before. Catra is, in a word, furious that she's come this far, having dared to dream once again that the two of them could be together and in love, only to have SW come in and take that from her once again.

Let's take a moment to consider how Catra is doing as she adapts to her new emotional way of dealing with the world, as she has shifted her perspective since rejoining Adora: The old Catra might have simply struck SW down, maybe even killed her to remove the threat. But now, Catra doesn't want to do that but is expected to trust in Adora’s ability to overcome the threat through her inner strength, and the through the strength of her community. But, as far as Catra could see, Adora just accepted her death as necessary rather than fighting SW’s manipulations. And this worries her, and it's why it's so important to Catra that she not let Shadow Weaver win, so Catra leaves to make sure Adora gets the message. She's wrong to do this, and she realizes this after opening up to Melog. Adora needs Catra to have faith in her, because without her support, there's no chance Adora overcomes what Shadow Weaver is trying to do to her.

>Glimmer watches the doubt play across Adora's face. She doesn't know how to make it better, since Catra isn't with them. She asks her if she's scared, and Adora answers back as truthfully as she can: "No, I just really hope this works." She's putting on a good face while trying to believe there's a chance, but when Bow tells her it's going to be a whole new world when she's done, Adora doubts. Can she even survive? Will Catra be gone forever? The next scene is, of course, very romantic. We see that Adora has always loved Catra, just like Catra loves Adora. The magic is trying to remind Adora of her own desires, her wants. Let's not get too distracted though: as Adora moves on, vowing to not let the magic distract her, we see her She-ra form falter, she's still fighting despair and loneliness. Bow and Glimmer don't know what to do...

>Catra sees Horde Prime begin hacking the planet and knows Adora is in grave danger of not succeeding in her last, unselfish mission before Prime stops her. Catra can't let this happen, also, since Melog has helped her process her emotional pain, she's ready to support Adora in any way she can, even if it means her hopes and dreams of them being together will be unfulfilled. She tries to rush to her side.

>Adora is panicking and unable to resolve her feelings of failure to Catra, She-ra is in danger of fading again. She sees the sword as she saw it back when she first left Catra, her hand goes to the failsafe on her chest, the thing that made Catra reject her after she accepted it. She tells Bow and Glimmer she can't escape her destiny. The words "I'm losing her" speak to a deep held belief by Adora that she's not worthy of survival because she feels that she has never been able to help the one person she truly loves, making her no hero. All of the manipulations of Shadow Weaver, Horde Prime, even Light Hope are crushing down on her. She believes she has to accept her fate, to die to fulfill her duty as She-ra. It's the price she has to pay for not being good enough, for hurting Catra when she left her to become She-ra. She thanks Bow and Glimmer for their love and support. "I never could have done any of this without you." Bow and Glimmer did everything they could to prop Adora up, get her out of her depressions when she felt she wasn't good enough to be She-ra. But they still needed her to be She-ra, and therefore they can't help her get past her deepest insecurities. To do that, she needs someone who has unconditional love for her. She needs Catra. Adora leaves Bow and Glimmer behind, trying to protect them, so that only she will have to die.

>Catra finds Shadow Weaver patiently waiting to receive her power, to be able to achieve dominion over everyone else. SW tells Catra "She's gone to the heart of Etheria to free the magic and become the hero she was born to be." The dead hero, that is. As SW tries to guilt Catra, calling her selfish, she glares back. She stands up to SW, rejecting the manipulation: "Enough! This isn't about you and your messed up power trip anymore!”

In this moment, Catra shows us how clearly she understands SW's goal. She calls her out perfectly. She tells SW that Prime is infecting the planet to take the heart, which changes everything, including for SW.

>As Catra leads SW, having forced her to cooperate, they see Prime's broadcast and Catra knows they have to act. She demands SW take them to Adora, and doesn't accept her lies. She knows SW can do it with magic, and demands she comply. Her words hit home "So do something good with it for once and help me save Adora before it's too late." Notice the similarity to when Glimmer asks Catra to be better on Horde Prime’s ship. SW is trapped, she has to comply. If Adora doesn't reach the heart, no magic for SW, universe ends. Catra accepts SW's hand, though it hurts her to do so.

>Catra and SW arrive in the corridor. As Catra gets the truth from Glimmer, she's dismayed. "Of course she's gone, that's what she does, isn't it?" She knows in this moment that Adora is consumed by fear, her inadequacies. As she finishes briefing Bow and Gimmer on the situation, she tells them she will stay to help Adora, and she invokes their promises to each other. It's an important moment, as it is the two of them together, their promises to each other, that gives them the strength to surpass SW's manipulations of them. Glimmer knows Catra is in love with Adora, so she leaves Adora in Catra's care. Bow’s words are important as well, speaking to the power of the Best Friend Squad. It gives Catra a boost to her morale, a belief that maybe there's a chance she and Adora can overcome the odds they face.

>Adora looks out over Etheria, seeing its beauty. Mara joins her. Adora tries to promise Mara that she will save the world, everyone, at any cost. Mara flat out rejects this as wrong, she doesn't let Adora promise. Mara confronts Adora on her decision to die for everyone else. When Mara asks her what she wants, Adora says it doesn't matter, that she's She-ra. Again, an isolationist view, a lonely burden, just like SW wants her to believe. Mara tells Adora that she, Adora, has value as a person, not only as a hero, and that she deserves love, too. As Mara tells to not lose hope, Adora is emotionally moved but you can tell she's still struggling to accept Mara’s words because of her feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. Mara manages to pass some courage to her, but then Horde Prime cuts them short.

Prime leans into Adora’s fears, threateningly. Like SW, he knows how to exploit her. He was in Catra's head and so he knows what Catra knows. He tells her that her failure is imminent, that she is already defeated, like the other She-ra's. The guardian monster then strikes and infects Adora, and she finally loses her grip on her She-ra form. He tells her even her own people didn't want her to make it to the heart, telling her the whole world is against her, and that she's totally alone. She tries to counter this with defiance, but the virus has her. She knows she's in trouble.

----Part 3: Final Moments, and Death, of SW----

>Episode 13. Adora is in pain, trying to understand the nature of the infection. The monster towers over her, it has only to reach out to deal the killing blow, she's defenseless. Suddenly Catra shows up, engaging the monster. Adora's only concern is for Catra's safety, telling her to leave her because it's too dangerous. But Catra has decided: she will do whatever it takes to give Adora her chance to save the universe, if that's what she wants. Even if it means Adora has to die. She tells SW to get Adora to the heart, which Adora objects to. SW is looking closely at Adora and seeing her illness, evaluating. As Adora begs for Catra to not leave her, Catra tells Adora she'll catch up. After all, they are the best friend squad. Bow's words have given Catra a small amount of hope that maybe it'll be ok. Adora, now that Catra has finally shown up, is desperate to not lose her again, and knows fighting this monster is too dangerous for her alone. But she's sick, and unable to help her. SW takes Adora unwillingly towards the heart.

>Catra is doing her best, but the monster is too much, even for her. She tries to slip away, seeing the virus continuing to spread. She's trying to get to Adora, who’s alone with SW. Horde Prime stops her (no keep running!!) and she gets caught. He mocks her, telling her he expected better. But Catra has already surpassed his greatest expectations, and she'll stop him yet... as the monster catches her, she cries out in anguish. It seems the cruelty of the universe has caught up to her again, after all...

>As SW tries to bring Adora to the heart, Adora's sickness is rapidly advancing. She demands SW wait, but she's too weak to resist. The thought of losing Catra again is weakening her spirit and allowing the virus to take over. SW tells her not to lose her focus, she's still hoping Adora will deploy the failsafe before dying. But then the virus seemingly attacks Adora's heart and SW watches the failsafe nearly fade out. SW looks up, she's close enough to already siphon power from the heart. Her lust for power is apparent.

As Adora hears Catra’s scream, she forcefully pushes herself from SW, and starts to go back for Catra. SW calls for her to wait, but Adora leaves her behind.

This is it, the turning point. The great moment of truth: SW now realizes, in utter totality, that she's never going to get to have the power. It's one of the most important moments in the series, and what happens next is the culmination of all of the hard emotional growth the two girls have been doing.

>>Quick interjection: we’re about to get emotional here... (well, I do). Just a light suggestion to check your surroundings. <<

Shadow Weaver now realizes that, even if she were to drag Adora to the heart, she would be too sick and heartbroken to deploy it. It's over for SW, either she dies now, with everyone else in the end of the universe, or she dies giving everyone else, including the girls, a future.

Remember as well, Adora has told SW that she would do everything she can to make sure she never gets the power. Adora is too strong against SW's manipulations, something Adora learned from seeing the pain Shadow Weaver caused Catra through her abuse. I mentioned that the exact words Adora used when she rejected SW the night before were important, so let's return to them: Adora told SW she would deploy the failsafe, and also that she will block SW from getting the power for herself. But as she said all of this, about saving the world, the universe, she doesn't say one, very important, word.

Promise.

Adora may have dedicated herself to being She-ra, but somehow in that moment she knew not to promise to SW that she would deploy the failsafe to save the universe, instead only saying that she was going to find a way, while making sure SW doesn't get the power. We saw that Adora later tried to make this particular promise to Mara, but Mara threw that out, telling Adora to be better, to rise above her lack of self belief.

A promise was made, though. She promised Catra. Their beautiful, childhood promise, the one she so casually broke way back when, her greatest mistake. And so Adora goes back for Catra, to be there for her, to try to help. If this Catra's end, she will be there for her... even if the cost is this high. She can't just let her die alone. She is honoring their promise...

And so… Adora finally… after all this time, puts Catra above her duty as She-ra. Her love for Catra is more important than fulfilling her heroic duty, and so SW can no longer manipulate her into giving up her life so SW can get the power. The girls have, in fact, transcended her manipulations, and as Adora leaves SW standing by the heart, SW is totally alone and without anything, anyone, left. She is, in fact, defeated by the girl’s love for each other... and so as SW looks towards the heart, she finally... makes... the right... choice. She gathers enough power from the heart to fight the monster...

>Horde Prime mocks Carta as she tries in vain to resist being pulled towards her death. When he invokes Adora's name, saying she will die, Catra shows her sadness, disappointment, at having come so close to being with her. He mocks her again, asking her if it was worth it. Catra shows defiance, then sorrow. The answer is yes, of course. Catra was willing to lay it all down to give Adora her shot at saving the universe, she's honoring their promise as best she can even if this is Adora's final act before her, and their, deaths. Catra has total belief that in this moment, that she needed to sacrifice herself for Adora. It seems like the natural outcome of fate, of the cruelty that is SW's and the universe's betrayals of the two of them their entire lives...

Heroic. Fucking. Music. SW shows up, charged from the Heart to take Catra's place. She's going to do one heroic and worthy thing of remembrance before she goes, since she is defeated and knows she won't get to have the heart's power.

Carta's disbelief is total, she can't understand how SW would ever do this for her. Her manipulation of them their whole lives was so total, so unfeeling. And yet, here she is. SW tells Carta to get to Adora and run. She forces Catra back and blocks the door. Catra still can't understand... and we finally... see Shadow Weaver show some actual real remorse for how empty her life is. She begs Catra to take Adora to the heart, to set the magic free. The one thing SW is dedicated to is magic, and she knows releasing the magic will restore the planet. Catra points out the obvious, that SW will die. Part of the reason Catra is so broken up by SW doing this is because Catra had just accepted her fate of dying in order to give Adora her chance to save everyone: Catra was willing to die for Adora even if Adora never found the courage to want Catra the way Catra wants her. And now SW takes her place? It doesn't make sense to her, as SW is a greedy person.

Shadow Weaver’s next series words are some of the most important in the entire series. And this is also the one redeeming quality she has... that she is a teacher. And she’s about to tell Catra something very, very... important.

She says: "It's too late for me." All her manipulations towards getting the power at the cost of the girls lives have been torn down, they've completely moved past her, she has no place in their lives anymore. The girls have learned to love each other so loyally that SW is done, finished.

"But you... this is only the beginning for you." Catra listens to this, searching for the deeper meaning... "I'm so proud of you, Catra." I think we all agree SW being 'proud' of Catra is a devastating line, Catra doesn't need or probably even want her abusers approval. I also think it is a lie, everything about SW says she's unable to feel actual compassion. But SW is a mastermind, and I think she's telling Catra she has respect for her. Catra ended up being the greatest enemy SW ever faced, she was so smart that she saw right through every manipulation SW made, and in the end, SW couldn't touch her. But theorizing aside, we see Catra cry... somehow, someway, SW finally seems to be showing Catra some amount of good in her, and so she cries, wondering where it comes from…

As Catra brings her hand back to uselessly flail at the barrier, Adora catches it. Catra looks back at Adora, surprised at her reappearance...

… right then we see Catra suddenly look away from Adora. It's quick, but we're seeing a dissociative moment: this is Catra realizing something very deep, and very meaningful...

Catra realizes, that in this moment, SW has chosen to do something that is much more than just dying in Catra's place.

She has given Adora to her.

All of Catra's life, Shadow Weaver has stood between her and Adora, love was a thing Catra was not allowed to have. But the girls, together, have transcended all of her abuse and manipulation. They have seen through her plan and risen above every cruelty, and have blocked SW's manipulations to use them for her own gain. And so, a defeated SW chooses now, to give Catra the most beautiful of gifts...

Catra puts it all together, filled with clarity: SW is telling her that Adora doesn't have to die, she can survive this. That they can survive the Heart!!! And Catra is the key, as SW has told her: "This is only the beginning, for you."

Catra is now given this knowledge freely by SW, and thus given hope. SW stands before them, totally defeated, in awe of Catra's incredible growth and cunning and that she was able to see through her plan, and how strongly the two girls have come to love each other. So, SW is giving Catra her fullest respect, and as a last act before her death she is passing Catra newfound hope that the two of them can overcome this, that they can survive...

Shadow Weaver removes her mask, showing Catra her face. It's not a face of manipulation, as we expect, no, there's respect, even, dare I say, gratitude. SW didn't have to do this, Catra knows that. And yet, Catra managed to show SW something she never expected to see. And so, by outthinking and so totally defeating her, by making SW see that all her manipulations were discovered and therefore wouldn't work no matter which way she turned, and by getting Adora understand the urgency of not letting SW win, Catra has won this final, beautiful gift…

“You're welcome…”

As Catra watches SW make her final sacrifice... her one good deed... she looks on, stunned. Life is never quite so simple as you think it is, and since returning to Adora, Catra has seen so many acts of generosity she didn't really believe were possible... and now... this...

Catra lets Adora cry for a moment, then tells her they have to go. Catra is filled with new urgency... they will face this final challenge together. As she resolutely carries Adora towards the heart, she knows she's now in charge of their fate... and as they face this final task, Catra is searching for a way to save Adora, and to save their love once and for all...

~

All of this has huge implications for what then happens with the girls when they reach the heart chamber, but that's a topic better discussed another time…

Some final notes here. It's my belief that Shadow Weaver is the overarching villain of the story, who spans all seasons of She-ra, and is far more important to the plot than Horde Prime is. Furthermore, understanding Shadow Weaver as this kind of villain is a stepping stone to explaining many other important plot points in the series, and we can build on it to understand a lot of the most important moments in the show.

My personal belief about this story is that the writers had such a diverse room of people of LGBTQIA+ and other backgrounds, each with their own trials and pains they had to overcome, that as a team, their goal was to bring to light as many of these struggles that they could. But as for this most central story, my guess is they wanted to tell us a story about overcoming real darkness that exists in our world, as well as Etheria, because sometimes that's how it is. And so the right thing, the only thing to do is to overcome and move past such people, to not let them control your life.

All this is to say that I think the moral of Shadow Weaver in the story isn't about finding the good in her, but about rising above her and the fundamental darknesses that we all sometimes face. And our girls do this through love, at no point do they use violence. And that makes this story very, very... special.

Thanks for reading. Until next time…

~EtheriaDearie

P.S. :: as I am new to tumblr, if you enjoyed reading this, please consider giving me a reblogg! Thanks!! 🙇💛

[panharmonium]

(1/3) Heya! A while back you were discussing Morgana's character and Merlin's relationship with her WRT magic and mentioned "gaslighting." I know for myself when I refer to Merlin gaslighting her it's not in regards to him not outing himself, but that 1) Pre 2X03 he goes along with Gaius in pretending to not believe that her visions are true and giving her the sleeping draughts. And Post 2X03, after reassuring her that they're still friends, he just doesn't really talk to her again until 2X12.

Hi!  So, I will preface this by saying that I normally don't have a chance to respond to asks in this much depth, but luckily I had some free time over the past couple of days, and there's nothing I like better than writing incessantly about Merlin, so I took the liberty of doing a deep dive. :)

My impression (because these asks don't actually include a particular question for me to answer) is that I'm being asked to expand/defend my own analysis from my original post with regard to the above points.  And I'll be honest and say that I won't always do that for folks on demand, because I really am of the school of thought that I don't write meta to convince anybody of something or "prove" a point - I really am just talking to myself in my own room for fun, and it isn't important to me to make a case to anybody who would rather approach from a different angle.  Like - if we’re on different pages, it’s chill; I don’t feel a need to discuss it or like...change someone’s mind.  (In all seriousness, I really have just been writing these things for myself and a couple of friends.  Prior to three days ago, when some kind of a bizarre surge happened, I had no followers who were here specifically for Merlin.)

But there are definitely some things referenced in these messages that I do have strong opinions about (though as I always say, that doesn't mean anyone is obligated to agree with me!)  And since I have the free time and am actually interested in this topic, I figured I'd try to address these things one by one (though I can't promise to do so in order.)  

I'll put everything under a cut, because this did get quite long.

disclaimer: as always, whenever I write meta: these are just my own thoughts, and I don’t expect anyone to share them.  If we are on different pages, feel free to scroll past and keep having fun in whatever way is most enjoyable to you!

1) “after reassuring her that they're still friends, he just doesn't really talk to her again until 2X12″

So first, I have to pose a question.

Why does this say "[Merlin] just doesn't really talk to her again" after 2.03?

Specifically, that framing.  

Merlin doesn't talk to her again.  

Because what actually happens, from 2.03-2.10, in an objective, this-is-what-we-see-onscreen way, is this: Merlin defies Gaius and tells Morgana that he believes she has magic.  He sends her to the Druids so they can help her, tries to distract the attacking knights so she can escape from Camelot with the Druids permanently, and, when that fails, he makes sure to come to Morgana's room and tell her that he supports her and her secret is safe with him.  

Then, from 2.04 through 2.10, they don't have screen time together.

Not "Merlin just doesn't talk to her."  

They don't have screen time together.  You could say "Morgana just doesn't talk to him" and it would be just as true.

But somehow we immediately frame our discussion of this as Merlin not doing something.  And that is what I am pushing back against.  

Merlin takes massive risks to help Morgana in 2.03.  He makes it very clear that he is there for her and he will never tell her secret, and Morgana, for her part, is shown to be very appreciative of that.  It's clear that she trusts him and believes him.  They part on a very positive note, at the end of 2.03.

Why, then, do we automatically frame the objective, unattributable-to-any-one-character fact that they don't interact onscreen after that as being somehow a failing on Merlin's part?   Why do we frame the simple fact that "they have no scenes together" as something for which we can lay blame?  (On Merlin, of course.  Never on Morgana.)

It's not as if we see Morgana reaching out and failing to get a response.  From 2.04-2.10, there are zero scenes of Morgana trying to approach Merlin and being rebuffed.  There are no scenes of Morgana wishing for guidance and being turned away.  And, with the exception of the Witchfinder episode (where Merlin already does literally everything in his power to expose this dangerous man and protect Morgana from his machinations) Morgana is not, in fact, shown to be getting "more and more freaked out and isolated."  

I want to pause and address that, because I know we've all sort of...collectively decided to imagine that this is what happened (because as a fandom we've tried to just fill in with fanon what feels like a blank left by the writers), but onscreen, in terms of the source material: it is false to say that “in the background you kind of see Morgana get more and more freaked out and isolated as the season progresses.”  It just doesn’t happen.

With the exception of "The Witchfinder," Morgana is never shown to be having any inner conflicts about her magic, not until 2.11.  Episodes 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10 - absolutely nothing.  There is one scene in 2.08 where she mentions having trouble sleeping, but then that issue is immediately resolved for her when Morgause gives her the healing bracelet and cures her nightmares.  There are no scenes of Morgana worrying about her magic.  No scenes of her needing help.  No scenes referencing her position as a person who is struggling with being a secret magic-user.  No scenes referencing her magic at all, in fact.  She is not shown to be getting more and more freaked out and isolated; rather she appears to have integrated back into her old life, comfortable now in the knowledge of who and what she is.  It’s like what she told Merlin at the end of 2.03: "I know now who I really am.  And it isn't something to be scared of.  Maybe one day people will come to see magic as a force for good."

And we can of course debate whether that was really an appropriate writing decision, to have Morgana be fine, fine, fine, until suddenly we hit 2.11 and it's like, 'oh, suddenly not fine,' but we also can't evaluate or judge Merlin based on a fanon image of what we imagine was happening in Season 2.  We can only evaluate him based on what actually happens onscreen (whether we feel like it was well-written or not), and what actually happens onscreen is that minus her fear in The Witchfinder, which Merlin already takes decisive actions to address, Morgana is not shown to be distressed or isolated or conflicted until we hit 2.11.  

She appears, as far as Merlin and the audience can see, to be doing just fine.

I’ve got to be clear on this: "Merlin just doesn't really talk to her again" is a loaded sentence, when the phenomenon we're really trying to describe is  "Merlin and Morgana have no scenes together."  It inherently assigns responsibility, agency, and blame for any non-interaction to Merlin, when there is nothing in canon to support that framing.

If Morgana wants to talk to Merlin, she can come talk to him.  She knows Merlin is on her side.  She is shown to trust and appreciate Merlin without reservation at the end of 2.03.  And even if she had been shown to be spiraling into a bad place in 2.04-2.10 (which, as discussed above, is not the case) she could have come to Merlin at any time.  It is literally not Merlin's responsibility to pursue Morgana and press her to talk to him.  He has done his due diligence.  He makes sure she knows he is on her side, that he supports her, that he believes her, that he will never reveal her secret.  And she is shown to believe him when he says that.  If she needs him, she knows she can approach him.  And if she chooses not to do that - then that is on her.

This is a tough pill for even the in-universe characters to swallow, but Merlin is not responsible for the well-being of every single person in Camelot.  It is not his job to make sure that every single person in his orbit is 100% okay at all times.  It is not his job to read his friends' minds, or anticipate every single one of their needs, or to offer himself to them constantly, repeatedly, every time he has a spare moment, especially when they seem (like Morgana from 2.04 to 2.10) to be doing well.  Merlin has already been placed in a position where he is expected to devote almost all of his energy to serving someone else's interests.  When we expect him to also worry about and monitor and manage the health and happiness of all the other people around him, we are perpetuating the same damaging narrative for which we criticize characters like Kilgharrah, Gaius, etc - that everything is on Merlin, and if he can’t manage to juggle it all, then the negative consequences that ensue are his fault. 

A personal illustration of how this would play out in real life:

I live with my sister.  I am a pretty stoic person.  And when something is the matter, I sometimes don't tell her about it.  I just pretend like everything is fine.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she would listen to me and support me if I ever came to her with a problem, but sometimes I don't do that.  And if that’s the choice I make, then that’s fine, but I have to take responsibility for it.  It's not okay for me to get angry and BLAME her for not helping me, when I never gave her any indication that I needed help in the first place.

So - flipping the narrative, what if we reframed the original statement to an equally loaded but equally accurate “post 2.03, Morgana just doesn't talk to Merlin.”  The two of them go through a harrowing experience together, where Merlin takes deadly risks to try to help Morgana escape Camelot and find her true self, where he offers his continuing support to her after it's over, and then she just never takes him up on that offer.  She retreats back into her comfortable position as Uther's noble ward, and stops associating with Arthur's lowly servant.  When Merlin helps save Gwen from the bandits in 2.04, Morgana never thanks him.  When Merlin is framed for theft by Catrina and hunted down, she doesn't stand up for him or try to help him.  When Gaius is arrested and tortured by the Witchfinder, she never stops by to see how Merlin is doing and check if he's okay.  When she's approached by a total stranger who wants her to steal a "weapon" for him, she doesn’t talk to Merlin at all, but rather agrees to steals the Crystal of Neahtid without ANY understanding of what it actually does or what Alvarr's plans are for it, leaving Merlin completely in the dark about why she's suddenly sneaking around acting so strange and suspicious.

Think back to Season One.  When Gwen is accused of sorcery and sentenced to death, Merlin confesses himself in order to save her.  Despite enjoying none of the protections Morgana has as Uther’s ward, Merlin still confesses himself in order to protect a friend.  But when Merlin is accused of sorcery in 2.07 (and when Gaius is then sentenced to be executed), Morgana does nothing comparable.  She just lets them take the fall.  Merlin allows himself (and Gaius) to be accused, even though he could easily have ratted Morgana out instead, and Morgana, despite knowing that Merlin is keeping silent to protect her at his own expense, never says a word to defend him, or approaches Merlin about it afterwards.  She sees Merlin dragged out of the Council Chambers screaming after Gaius is sentenced to death, but she says nothing.  She knows Gaius is going to be burnt at the stake, but she does nothing, not even making her usual appeal to Arthur.  

Does that mean we should assume that she was being negligent?  That she was abandoning Merlin when he needed her most?

For clarity - I'm not saying that the answer to that question is yes.  I’m saying that I’ve never seen anybody assign intention/bad faith to Morgana when it comes to her non-interaction with Merlin from 2.04 to 2.10 (even though that particular read is actually far more justified by the text).  There is no reason to assign intention to Merlin, either.

Ultimately, I just want us to be aware that saying “Merlin just doesn’t really talk to her again” inherently assigns agency and blame to an agentless fact.  Morgana and Merlin not being on screen together from 2.04 to 2.10 =/= "Merlin just doesn't really talk to her."  The phrase "Morgana just doesn't really talk to him" is an equally true statement, but one we don't hear nearly as often, because in the Merlin-verse, everything is Merlin's responsibility.  And therefore, when there’s a problem, everything is Merlin's fault.

2) “pre 2X03 he goes along with Gaius in pretending to not believe that her visions are true giving her the sleeping draughts”

Okay, this is just my own opinion, but - I personally think it is unreasonable for us to expect Merlin to correct every single bad choice that the people around him make, and it's unfair to transfer the blame for other people's choices onto his shoulders.

If Gaius is making bad choices prior to 2.03, then they are Gaius's bad choices.  Merlin, in 1.07, has just arrived in Camelot within the last couple of months.  Gaius has lived in Camelot all his life, and has been dealing with Morgana for two decades and Uther for longer than that.  Gaius is a trained physician.  He is in a position of authority over Merlin, and he has far more experience with the royal family than Merlin does, and when he tells Merlin that the safest thing for Morgana right now is to help her sleep through the night without having potentially-prophetic nightmares, of course Merlin listens to him. 

But five minutes into 2.03, immediately after Merlin learns that Morgana actually has magic (not just dream-visions, which this show states to be a separate gift) he is arguing with Gaius, saying that "you need to be honest with her."  At the fifteen minute mark, he is in Morgana's chambers telling her how to find the Druids.  

I cannot get on board with transferring blame that belongs to other people and dumping it all on Merlin's overburdened shoulders.  He directly defies Gaius's orders so that he can help Morgana, as soon as it becomes apparent how serious her situation is.  He leads Camelot's army on a chase through the woods in an attempt to help her run away, putting himself at extreme personal risk to do so.  How would he explain that, if he were caught?  If he were seen?

He does more to help her with her gift than anyone, and he puts himself at risk of discovery and execution to do it.  The standards to which we hold him, and the number of responsibilities we expect him to assume, and the ways we hold him accountable for choices that other people in positions of power have made, even when he ultimately corrects their mistakes - are impossibly unreasonable, and they certainly aren't the same standards we use to evaluate Morgana’s actions.

3) “while I don't think Merlin owed outing himself to anyone IMO was a really nasty undercurrent in the writing of ‘crazy/hysterical woman with her volatile lady feelings can't be trusted’ even after he's known her for like a year compared to Lancelot, Gilli, Daegel etc. being a-okay.”

Comparing Morgana to Lancelot, Gilli, and Daegal as a way of saying that Merlin underrates Morgana's trustworthiness in favor of theirs doesn't make sense.

Merlin doesn't choose to out himself to Lancelot at all.  It's an accident.  

Merlin doesn't choose to out himself to Daegal, either.  He's put in a situation where it's either "use magic" or "we both die."

Gilli has a little more wiggle room in terms of "was this an active decision on Merlin's part," but it's also not accurate to interpret this situation as arising out of Merlin's personal desires/level of trust in Gilli as a person.   Merlin reveals himself because he feels like it is the only way to get through to someone who is going to get themselves killed looking for revenge.  (And I've written previously about how I think Merlin's choices in this situation are in fact directly influenced by the decisions he didn't make with Morgana, and how making the opposite choice here in an attempt to "do the ‘right’ thing this time" doesn't actually change the ultimate outcome, but that's neither here nor there.)

None of these three instances are moments where Merlin looks at these characters and goes, “these people seem way more trustworthy than that crazy, volatile lady i know; i’m gonna reveal myself to them!"  He is forced into all of these situations, against his will, and is outed either by accident or necessity.

Additionally - the above is really the more important counterpoint, but I do think it's worth mentioning that Morgana, as far as the closeness of her relationship with Merlin goes, also can't be meaningfully compared with the other three characters on this list because her position as a noble places her in a totally different category altogether.

Merlin legitimately likes Morgana in the early seasons, and he's thrilled to be her friend.  But Merlin is also class-conscious - he has to be, given his position in society; and moreover he's spent the first twenty years of his life being best friends with a dude who is both hyperaware of and hypervocal about the inequalities of the current social system.  Merlin is ALWAYS aware that Morgana is on a different level than he is, and he is perfectly justified in being slightly more reticent around people who aren't cut from his own cloth, in the same way he is justified in being slightly more careful around Arthur, who also leverages his power and privilege whenever "equality" becomes inconvenient for him.

Take the comparison between Lancelot and Morgana, for example.  Merlin has known Lancelot for slightly less time than Morgana (Merlin meets Lancelot in 1.05), but he cleaves to Lancelot more quickly, and it is only natural that Merlin would do so.  Merlin is a peasant farmer.  He is literally as low on the social ladder as you can get without being one of the itinerant poor.  Morgana is, in essence, a princess, and Merlin isn't wrong for feeling more comfortable around Lancelot than he is around her, because Morgana, for all that she is generous-minded with the servants, is SO far above the level of people Merlin is used to associating with, and she has SO much more influence than he does - it's a power differential that can't be erased, no matter how friendly Morgana is with him.  And it’s a dynamic that isn't limited to Morgana, either - it exists between Merlin and Arthur, too.  

This is an element of the show that I don't necessarily see discussed often when it comes to Morgana and Merlin (and Gwen, for that matter), and most of the time it seems to be ignored in favor of like...“Morgana doesn't see class!  She's friends with Gwen and she's friends with Merlin!"  And I'm not disputing that she considers herself to be friends with them at first, but I also am not going to pretend that she doesn't then weaponize her class against them as soon as the situation changes.

In S3, she leverages her privileged position to threaten Merlin with execution if he tries to reveal her misdeeds, because she knows that no one will believe a servant even if he tells the truth ("Just think how Uther would react if he learnt that a serving boy had tried to poison his beloved ward").  She is horrified at her vision of Gwen taking the throne in 3.10, saying "How can that be?  She's a servant."  She mockingly calls Gwen "My lady" when capturing her in 5.06, and, when offering Gwen a drink of water, says, "Is it too good for you now that you're queen?"  She scathingly criticizes Helios’s capture of Merlin in 4.06, saying, "And you bring me how many men?  Or should I say how many servants?"  She tells Merlin, "You are Arthur's servant, nothing more" later in that same episode.  She dispenses with all semblances of equality with Gwen in late Season 2 whenever Gwen's in the way, instead snapping at her, ordering her around, and booting her out of the room.  And in "The Dark Tower," she drags Gwen behind her on a rope.

Morgana in the early seasons is committed to an "I'm not going to lord my social status over my lower-class friends!" attitude.  But that doesn't mean her social status doesn’t exist, or that the power differential has vanished.  And when the chips are down - when Morgana feels like she's getting less than she "deserves" but her former servants are getting more than they themselves do - she falls back on the power she has as a noble.  The ways in which Morgana interacts with Merlin and Gwen, after Morgana's falling out with Camelot, don't manifest as just "you betrayed me and we're not friends anymore," they express themselves in ways that specifically target Merlin and Gwen's "lowly" status, in comparison to Morgana's lofty one.

4) “I also hate the Merlin and Gaius talk in 2X12 where they more or less write her off as using her powers for eviiiiil when she hadn't consciously used her powers for ANYTHING yet.”

I suppose this could be subject to personal interpretation, but I’m pretty sure Gaius and Merlin think Morgana was consciously aware that she was the source of the magic.

They don't know that she wasn't consciously involved.  The audience doesn't even know that, frankly.  What Morgana is actually aware of is left undefined by the show.  (I personally always got the vibe that Morgana obviously knows it has something to do with the agreement she and Morgause made, but that she doesn't exactly understand the details of how it's working.)  But that's still never actually stated.

Merlin, (after Kilgharrah tells him the magic is coming from Morgana), assumes she is aware of what's happening.  And I personally think it’s impressive that even given this, he covers for her the entire episode.  At first he doesn't even suspect she has anything to do with it at all, not even after what she did in the previous ep - he makes up that story about Gaius having given her a potion to cover for her, assuming her magic is what's keeping her awake.  It's not until Kilgharrah tells him what's going on that he realizes the truth, and EVEN THEN, he continues to lie for her.  

If she was afraid - if she was in over her head - if she regretted her actions and wanted to change her mind - she could have confessed to Merlin and asked him for help.  Literally everyone in Camelot was incapacitated, and as far as Merlin knew, Morgana’s plan was to let them all die.  It's not that I'm happy about Merlin's choice to poison her, and neither is Merlin - but I'm also not comfortable blaming him to the exclusion of Morgana or critiquing him for feeling like Morgana did something bad.  She did do something bad!  She made her own choices.  Merlin didn't make them for her.  

Erasing Morgana’s responsibility erases her agency.  She makes decisions to get where she is in 2.12.  She makes an agreement to help Morgause without doing her research and without getting the details about what would actually happen to the people around her, just like she made an agreement to help Alvarr retrieve the Crystal of Neahtid without finding out what it actually was or how Alvarr planned to use it.  Merlin didn't make Morgana do any of those things.  

Re: the Merlin+Gaius talk in 2.12 - I personally don't read that conversation with Gaius as Merlin "writing [Morgana] off."  

Merlin doesn't think Morgana is irredeemably evil.  He apologizes to Morgana when she returns in 3.01.  Even when she displays shame and self-recrimination about her own actions, he doesn't say one word condemning her for anything she did in the last season.  All he feels is sympathy for her suffering.  He tells her, sincerely, "I am so sorry for everything you've been through."  He holds absolutely no grudge for what she did in 2.12.  None.  

And even when he finds out she's betraying them again - he first approaches her as a friend.  He begs her to stop.  He tells her, "It doesn't have to be like this.  We can find another way."  He answers "no" when she asks him if he believes she deserves to be executed for who she is.  Even as she's trying to kill them all.

And when she snaps, "Good!" in response to his statement that women and children are dying and the city will fall, he responds, "You don't mean that."  That is not the response of someone who's already written her off as evil.  He doesn't believe she wants all this violence.  He is trying to reach her.

She doesn't ever reach back.  And that is not Merlin's fault.

5) kilgharrah indiscriminately kills people

I don't think I can really address Kilgharrah in any meaningful way, because personally I don’t feel like dragons operate on or can be evaluated by human moral standards.  Other folks can take a different tack with this, obviously; there's no canon information one way or another.  That's just my own personal approach.

6) “[Kilgharrah] and Merlin are bros again by 3X02 but Morgause and Morgana and Kara killing knights and guards (who work for Uther/Arthur) are OMG murderers, have crossed a line, etc.”

Okay, look, let’s be honest here - this issue is a real philosophical question raised by the show, but Morgause and Morgana are not just killing knights and guards.  Morgana, with Morgause at her right hand, literally orders her crossbowmen to murder a bunch of civilians in the street, as if shooting fish in a barrel.  She tells her forces to “burn [the people’s] crops.”  She raids Ealdor, a poor peasant village that isn’t even within Camelot’s borders, at the end of Season 4, and at the beginning of Season 5, Morgana’s Saxon army is attacking innocent peasant villages in Annis’s kingdom and capturing the villagers to be taken as slave labor to Ismere.  Later in Season 5, Morgana kills other magic-users like Finna and Alator, who have been just as wronged by Arthur/Uther as she herself has been.

Kara - I've already written extensively about how she did nothing wrong and Arthur deserved to be deposed, so...same page there!

To wrap this up -

Nobody does everything right in this show.  Everybody screws up somewhere.  And the degree to which various people are both victims and villains is something we all have to decide for ourselves, and not all of our conclusions will be the same, which is perfectly fine.

But in the end, for me, the difference between Merlin and Morgana is that Merlin owns his choices.  He believes he is the one to blame for what happens not just to him, but to the people around him.  He literally says to Morgana, "I blame myself for what you've become."  And while I don't necessarily think that's even true, he certainly does.  Despite the fact that there are so many factors limiting him and forcing his hand and trapping him into certain courses of action, he never cites those factors as excuses, or seems to recognize their existence at all.  He takes responsibility for himself, regardless of any extenuating circumstances.  He looks back at his choices, and he feels remorse for some of them, and at the end of the day, when things go badly, he blames himself.  

But when things go badly for Morgana, she only ever blames others.  When something is wrong, it's because Merlin or Arthur or Gwen or whoever didn't help her (even though she never asked them for help in the first place.)  We never see her acknowledge a mistake or regret a decision, even though she obviously makes her fair share of bad ones.  She is never shown to be sorry for anything.  The closest we get to remorse is her interaction with Mordred in 5.09 ("I hope one day you find the love and compassion which used to fill your heart"), and that brief moment of inner conflict never goes anywhere (which is so unfortunate, as a writing decision, but again, in a piece like this, I can only evaluate what actually happened onscreen, not what I wish had happened).

So, all this being said, I personally am very careful about assigning more blame to Merlin than what he already assigns to himself - especially when he doesn't deserve it (for example, see Part 1 of this piece).  Merlin makes his share of mistakes, but we are generally much quicker to hold him accountable than we are Morgana, and we outline impossible expectations for him that we don't expect from any other character on this show.  We hold him to a different standard, one which is, frankly, pretty much in line with how he's treated in the canon: that everything is his responsibility, and when things don't work out, everything is his fault.  And I can’t get behind that mindset, because a) it isn’t fair to him, and b) I don’t think it holds up under scrutiny.

[nalgenewhore]

Too Late To Turn Back Now - Three

masterlist - ao3 - last chapter - next chapter 

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disclaimer: when i write lorcan, i write him as native american - lakota specifically! so, i made up a fictional tribe named ‘Ozuye’ which means warrior in lakota and based it off of the lakota nation 

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The plane landed clumsily on the air strip outside of Otȟúŋwahe and Elide pressed a hand to her stomach, swallowing her nausea. Her seatmate, the ever-irritating Lorcan, grinned at her despair and had the audacity to chuckle. “Is her majesty not used to rough landings?”

She just scowled at him and ignored him as the flight attendant gave the all-clear and they could depart the metal can with wings. Elide vowed to herself that she’d charter a jet, if need be, because there was no way she was endangering her life like that again. Lorcan wouldn’t be invited. He could crash and burn in the Cambrian Mountains for all she cared.

Lorcan led the way to the door, speaking a word of thanks in his mother tongue to the pilot and attendants. Elide nodded and smiled politely, precariously making her way down the stairs in her heels. She couldn’t remember why she’d brought heels to the Northern Isles of all places.

The sound of high-pitched screams pierced the air, over the sound of the plane engine, and Elide tripped over the last step, righting herself before she ate asphalt. When she looked up, she saw two identical girls holding signs up as they hollered.

They had Lorcan’s complexion and those long locks of hair whipping around their heads from the wind, the same high cheekbones and straight nose, full lips, and sharp jaws. They were tall like him too, way taller than her – not that that was a feat of greatness of any sort. Elide grabbed her suitcase as they sprinted towards Lorcan, crashing into him and squealing.

Despite herself, a genuinely warm smile pulled at her lips and she walked down to where they had gathered, lugging her heavy bags behind her. Lorcan had set the girls on their feet by the time she got there and they were speaking in rapid fire Ozuye, going back and forth until they all erupted in hearty laughter. The siblings noticed her presence and turned to her, shock lining the girls’ faces. “Lor, are you going to introduce us to your girl?”

He shook his head, “Gods, you two are the worst. This is why I never come home.” Elide chuckled and he nodded, “Yeah, so this is Aneha,” the girl stepped up, wearing a pullover fleece and leggings, and held her hand out to be shook. Elide obliged and said hello before the other half of the twins was stepping up.

“And I’m Sadirah!” Sadirah wore a red flannel lumberjack coat and paint-splattered overalls and what appeared to be hand-beaded moccasins on her feet. Instead of a handshake, she hugged Elide tightly. “It’s great to meet you! I love your shoes.”

“I love yours.They’re beautiful,” Elide said, her words genuine. 

“Thank you, I made them myself! Now, Lorcan’s never told us, but do you prefer Elide or Hellas’ Mistress?”

She let out a cold laugh and subtly stepped on Lorcan’s foot, leaning all her weight into the heel as he bit his lip and his eyes watered, “Elide’s just fine.”

“Good, well, let’s get going, the truck’s running!”

As they all traveled to the truck, Elide stared up at Lorcan. He looked as though someone had taken years off his still-young face. At work, Elide had a hard time remembering that they were the same age, but now, it was blatantly obvious through the lightness of his body and the relaxed way he carried himself.

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The town was lovely and quaint, situated on a picturesque island.  As Aneha drove down the main street, Elide looked out the window, taking in the sight of the ocean and bay. The natural scenery around Otȟúŋwahe was breathtaking and it reminded Elide of Perranth. It had the same untamed wilderness and a certain ancientness she couldn’t place.

She had booked two rooms at the only hotel in town and as they approached the street, she spoke up, “You can just turn right up here for the hotel.”

Lorcan frowned for a split second as Aneha and Sadirah exchanged a look. Aneha just drove on past as Sadirah explained, “Oh, we canceled your reservations. Hope you don’t mind, but we thought it’d be nice to stay with family.”

They pulled into a marina’s parking lot as Elide nodded, hiding her annoyance at the presumptuous behaviour. It’s fine, you can make it six nights, she told herself as they all hopped out of the vehicle and she climbed out in a more dignified approach. “Where is your home?”

Lorcan pointed to the sleek speedboat, “We need to take the boat there. The property’s a few islands away.”

Elide shook her head adamantly, “Lorcan, you know I can’t swim. I am not getting in that boat.” He shrugged and dropped her luggage at her feet.

“That’s fine. See you in a week.” He stalked off to the edge of the dock and disappeared down the ladder as she gritted her teeth and dragged her bags over to the edge. The twins were already seated in the boat and averted their piercing gazes as Elide tossed her bags down to Lorcan. One of them hit the deck and rolled right over the edge, landing in the water with a splash.

Sadirah quickly leaned over the boat and grabbed it, yanking it up. “Got it!”

Lorcan smirked up at Elide as she hesitated by the top of the ladder, “You can always jump, princess.”

He held his hands up and she fought the urge to flip him off as she carefully made her way down. She was almost down when her foot missed the next wooden rung and before she knew what was happening, she felt a hand on her ass, keeping her upright. “Off the ass, hand off the ass,” she hissed, seething once she finally made it down and glared up at Lorcan.

He wasn’t sure how she’d acquired the talent of looking down her nose at him even though he towered over her. With a huff, she stepped into the boat and sat down, looking out at the horizon as Aneha started the boat and Lorcan shoved the back before hopping in.

Elide watched the water as they cut through the bay, watching as if it would sweep her away. Lorcan could tell, through the way she gripped her bag with white knuckles and barely dared to breathe, that she was petrified right now. It was purely for show, and nothing else, that he scooted closer to her and took her hands in his, cupping his around hers to blow on them, “Your hands are freezing, El.”

She smiled softly and something in her relaxed as the girls exchanged secret smiles and they continued on.

A few minutes later, Lorcan nudged her and nodded towards the nearest island, two figures standing on the dock, “That’s it.” He turned to Aneha, “Is Aunt Maeve back?”

She grimaced and nodded, “Yep. Got back yesterday.”

He made a face and Elide rose a brow, “Who’s Aunt Maeve?”

Lorcan shook his head as Aneha slowed the boat and they floated up to the dock, “Later, Lochan.” He dropped her hands to toss out the rope to one of the women. She looked exactly like the girls, just a few decades older. She too wore her hair down and Elide could see gray streaks amidst the dark strands.

“Come here and give your mother a hug,” she said, smiling as Lorcan hopped out and walked over to her, ignoring the pale-skinned woman next to his mother. Maeve, Elide assumed, stared at her with a predator’s gaze that had Elide’s spine stiffening as she stepped out, her chin held high.

She did not back down and stared coolly at the woman for a second longer before Lorcan beckoned her over. “Elide, come over here.”

Smiling tightly, Elide stepped over the wooden slats to Lorcan’s side. “Hi, I’m Elide. It’s nice to meet you.”

“You as well, Elide,” she said, regarding the couple with an attentive eye. “My name’s Odette. This is my aunt, Maeve,” Odette gestured to the woman behind them. “She’s come up for the weekend.”

Lorcan visibly stiffened as Maeve stepped closer and made her introduction. His hand moved to the small of her back as Elide and Maeve shook hands. “So, Elide, you’re dating your secretary.”

“Actually, Lorcan’s my associate,” Elide corrected her, a dangerous glint in her eye as she smiled sweetly. “As in, he already graduated law school.”

Maeve’s face paled with rage.

Lorcan pulled Elide with him, ending the conversation before anything drastic happened, and getting their luggage.

“We’ll show you around,” Sadirah said, linking her arm in Aneha’s and not waiting to see if either of them followed before they were skipping along.

Elide hadn’t been able to see the entire property from the dock and her eyes widened once they could see the house. It was a mansion, really, spanning from the middle of the large acreage. “You didn’t tell me you’re rich,” she murmured, gritting her teeth when her heel sunk into the grass.

Lorcan lowered his brow, “My mom’s rich, there’s a difference.”

“Only rich people say that.”

He sighed heavily and rolled his eyes, “You know, you’re kind of anti-rich, so it’s not a secret why I wouldn’t tell you and how would I even say that? ‘Hi, my name’s Lorcan Salvaterre and my mother owns the largest enterprise in the Northern Isles’?”

“What does that even mean ‘anti-rich’?”

“Oh, come on, you’re always going on about the entitled pricks in law school and those same pricks that we work with. It’s a little ironic, you know, considering you’re loaded.”

She made an affronted sound, “I earned everything I made, those trust-fund-“

“Yeah, yeah, those trust-fund man-children were handed everything on a silver tray while you worked three jobs to support yourself and pay for school. I’ve heard the story, Elide.”

Elide pursed her lips but kept quiet as they walked through the front door. The house was rustically designed and decorated, high ceilings with exposed beams and a woodstove in the corner, a flame happily flittering away.

She took in the couches and knitted blankets strewn about, her eyes lighting up as she locked her gaze on the far wall of the living room to find that the entire wall was made of bookshelves, crammed full with all sorts of reading materials. There was a TV and another shelf filled with DVDs that she was itching to peruse.

They slipped off their shoes and the twins’ eyes widened for a split second at Elide’s height before they beckoned the two of them in, “We’ll show you to your room.”

Elide and Lorcan followed dutifully behind the whispering girls, down a long hallway. She traced her eyes over the framed artwork on the shiplap panelling. They seemed to tell a story, one she couldn’t discern, and Elide made note to ask Lorcan later. When they arrived at a closed door, Elide felt her ankle twinge and hid her discomforted wince. Lorcan caught her hitched breath and whipped his head to her, scanning her body. His gaze narrowed on her ankle and he moved to her side, letting her lean into him. “So, this is you guys. There’s a bathroom and towels are in the armoire by the balcony doors. We thought you might be tired, so we’re having brunch tomorrow with everyone.”

“Everyone? Who’s everyone?” Lorcan asked, apprehension in his dark eyes.

“Don’t you worry,” Sadirah said, smiling as they retreated down the hallway and let the couple settle in.

Elide didn’t say a word as she unpacked her bags and moved the throw pillows from the bed. Lorcan was checking his phone when something slammed into the back of his head and he whirled, seeing Elide standing across the room, a pillow landing on the floor by his feet. “Hellas’ Mistress?”

+*+*+*+*+*+*

@mythicaitt @tinywolfofeyllwe @schmlip-scribble @the-regal-warrior @westofmoon @empire-of-wildfire @rhysands-highlady @city-of-fae @shyvioletcat @alifletcher2012 @tangledraysofsunshine @ttakeitbacknoww @tswaney17 @ourbooksuniverse @flora-and-fae @thesirenwashere e @queenofxhearts @maastrash @superspiritfestival @yikesitsmaddie @flowerspringsea​ @queen-of-glass​ @sleeping-and-books​ s @b00kworm​ @bat-wing-rhys​ @poisonous00​ @empress-ofbloodshed​ @feyrethedarklady​ @gorl-power​ let me know if you want to be removed/added to the tag list! 

[terminally-anxious]

Words hurt (part 4) Final

summary: Words have consequences, Virgil knows this better than anyone else. 

(Warning: This is a very heavy angst fic, if you are sensitive to any of the things I have put in the TW section, SKIP THIS FIC! DO NOT CLICK KEEP READING IF ANY OF THIS TRIGGERS YOU)

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, those fully belong to Thomas Sanders and his friends.

Word count: 1851

Tw: Blood, wounds, talking behind someones back, hate, self-hatred, body horror, gore?, cuts, crying, self-deprecating thoughts, angst, heavy angst, pre accepting anxiety with a horrible twist, shouting, anger, yelling, negative comments, vivid description of cuts, pain, stitches, swearing (if there are any more, please tell me, this is a very heavy fic.)

Master list

Pairings: Familial LAMP 

Roman had been avoiding him for days now. Virgil hadn’t seen him for about a week at this point, and he was starting to get really worried about the royal. When he asked Patton and Logan, they hadn’t seen him either. It seemed like that if Virgil wanted to talk to Roman, he had to go to his room. 

The anxious trait sighed, looking up at the grey door in front of him. Usually, the doors were colored with their respective colors, but Roman’s door had been slowly going gray since the argument in the living room. He sighed again, grimacing a little as the action pulled at his stitches. Steeling his nerves, he raised his hand and knocked on the door. 

“Roman? Are you in there…?” Virgil called out, listening carefully for a response. 2 minutes; utter silence. “Roman, please... We need to talk.” Nothing. 

‘Shit… where is he? What do I do now? Go back or push forward… C’mon Virgil, you need to talk to him, stop being so afraid!’ The anxious side took a steadying breath and grabbed the doorknob. 

“Roman, I’m coming in.” He announced, before pulling the door open and entering the room. 

The door made a soft click as he carefully shut it behind him. Virgil had never been in Roman’s room before, but it couldn’t have looked like this normally, Right?!

The entire room was dark as if the color had died or given up, the plants looked brittle and sick, each window had it’s curtains shut, forbidding daylight from entering. The light from the lamps was cold, the shadows seemed longer and more threatening. It almost looked and felt like his own room. 

“Roman...?” He hesitantly called out into the wast space, silently hoping for a response. His eyes scanned the room, looking for any sign of life. ‘There.’ A slight movement caught his eye, causing him to cross to the other side of the room, where a grand desk was located. Virgil let out a sigh of relief when he saw Roman asleep at the desk, though his brow did furrow when he saw the deep bags under the eyes of the royal. 

He reached out and shook the sleeping side. The reaction was instantaneous. Roman jerked awake, and when his eyes landed on Virgil, he quickly got out of his chair. 

A minute of silence passed between them. Each of them taking the time to access the other.  

“Virgil! I-” Roman began, only for his voice to falter.

“Well, you certainly look like shit.” The anxious trait stated bluntly. It wasn’t even an understatement, he looked like absolute shit. Roman’s clothes were rumbled and seemed to have splotches of ink all over. Most likely from whatever he was working on, on his desk before he fell asleep. His hair was in a disarray, the bags under his eyes rivaled Virgil’s own, and he looked pretty ashen.

“Why are you here…You shouldn’t be around me...” The prince mumbled, his eyes fixated on the neat row of stitches that stretched across Virgil’s face, before he turned his gaze away, ashamed.  

“I came to get you, duh. You’ve been avoiding us all for about a week now, and we need to talk about what happened.” Virgil responded. “First of all, you need to know that I’m not angry at you. seco-” 

“How?! How can you not be angry at me!” Roman’s eyes snapped back to him, this time tears making his eyes glossy. “I’m angry! No, furious at myself for causing that to happen!!” Roman gestured wildly to Virgil’s face, his hand shaking. 

“Rom-” The royal interrupted him again. “You need to leave, I’m dangerous to you!” Roman’s eyes were pleading with him, begging him to leave. 

“No. I’m not leaving.” Virgil shocked himself, he hadn’t meant to use his tempest tongue, but he couldn’t leave and let Roman rot in his own guilt. 

Roman seemed shocked as well for a second, but then grit his teeth and bit out; “Fine, if you’re not leaving, then I am.” The royal barely moved a muscle before a hand circled around his wrist. 

“No, you are not.” The grip wasn’t tight, but the moment he tried to strain against it, he found the grip unyielding. Virgil was looking at him with determination.

“We are going to talk and work this shit out. Because this isn’t healthy for any of us. You’re killing yourself over something I’m not angry about. Something I’ve kept secret from all of you for over a decade. Logan and Patton know now, but you need to listen as well.” 

Stunned, Roman shut his mouth, looking at the younger trait with wide eyes.  

Virgil took a deep breath and used his unoccupied hand to lift his shirt, exposing his stomach and chest. His Index finger pointed to a long scar on his right side. “I hope and dream to get rid of my anxiety.” 

Roman jolted as if struck by lightning, recognizing the words from the Lilly Singh video. His mouth felt dry as he connected the dots.

“I can’t stand that guy.”

“I’m no defeatist.”

“I do not like you.”

“No one wants that...” Virgil’s finger stopped at a pretty horrific-looking scar that rested over his heart. The anxious man’s eyes looked sad for a moment, before turning soft and looking directly into Roman’s eyes. 

“I-I never knew! Shit! Virgil!!” The creative side sobbed, his face conveying pure heartache. 

Dropping his shirt, Virgil gave Roman a rare soft smile. “I know… Your reaction when your words cut me across the face told me that. I just..” A shaky breath escaped the emo. 

“For so long thought you guys did it on purpose. wanting me to know how much you hated me, how little I was wanted… That’s why I was so antagonistic towards you guys, I was hurt and bitter.” 

“Virgil...” Roman took a step towards Virgil, hesitantly reaching out. 

“But you never knew, you didn’t know that your words hurt me. And how can I possibly be mad at you for causing harm without knowing?” The anxious side let go of Roman’s wrist, reached out and wrapped his arms around the royal’s neck, hugging him tightly against his chest. 

Roman let out a sob and wrapped his arms around Virgil’s waist. “But we still said those awful things to you, made you feel like t-that!” The creative side cried into the crook of the emo’s neck. 

Virgil tilted Roman’s head up, making him look him into his eyes. “It’s as I said to Logan and Patton… I don’t hate you, none of you, and I’ve already forgiven you. You could have lied to me, gone behind my back, but you didn’t… You actually made an effort to stop, to be kinder to me…” Virgil reassured, sincerity shining in his eyes. 

The royal’s face crumpled and he pulled Virgil back into the hug. “Action speaks louder than words princy. A one time slip up is to be expected, but I’m sure that it won’t happen again since you all know now.” Virgil whispered to Roman, gently rocking the crying side.

It seemed like the room started to regain its color and life again, and by the time Roman had quieted, the room looked much livelier than it had done when he entered it earlier

“Thank you, Virgil, I’ll do my best to make sure this doesn’t happen again.” Roman said earnestly as he pulled away from the hug. 

Using the sleeve of his hoodie, Virgil reached up and dried away the tear tracks on the royal’s cheeks. 

“Good. Now, my earlier statement still stands, you look like shit, so take a shower and come downstairs to the common room after you’re done. I’ll ask Pat and L to help me set up for a movie night, I think we all need something good right now.” Virgil snarked, giving him a genuine smile. 

Roman grimaced, running a hand through his dirty hair. “Yeah, I think you’re right storm cloud… I’ll see you downstairs then?” 

Virgil walked over to the door and grabbed the doorknob. “Yup.” He exited the room, but before he closed the door after himself, he turned back and called out; “Hey, wear your onesie!”

A muffled “Got it!” came through the now red door. Virgil smiled to himself, satisfied. Snapping his fingers, he shifted into his skeleton onesie and headed downstairs.

“Oh, Kiddo!” Patton greeted him with a hug when he came down the stairs, smiling widely at the sight of the emo’s onesie. 

“I assume your talk with Roman went well then?” Logan inquired, as he noticed the lack of tension in the youngest side.  

“Yup, he’s in the shower at the moment, but he’ll join us shortly for a movie night.” Virgil wrapped his hands loosely around Patton, who squealed with glee. 

“Oh! Is that why you’re wearing that humerus onesie?” Patton giggled.

A groan from Logan sounded in the common room.  

“What? I only want tibia honest.” 

“Patton…” Logan sighed, exasperated.

“Oh come on L, pat only wants to be hip,” Virgil smirked at the logical side as Patton broke into delighted laughter. 

“Not you too Virgil.” 

He just shrugged, unrepentant. “You two should also change into your onesies.”

Patton happily obliged, but Logan had to be threatened with more bad puns to change into his unicorn Onesie. 

“Before we start this movie night, may I check your stitches and clean them? We will most likely fall asleep down here, so we won’t have time to do it later.” Logan explained as he went to grab some cotton swabs and disinfectant.  

Virgil nodded and sat down on the arm of the sofa, letting Logan do as he pleased to ensure he didn’t get an infection. 

When Roman came downstairs, he had to pause at the landing as he watched Logan clean around the cut on Virgil’s face. A stab of guilt went through his heart, and he almost went back upstairs, but as if knowing what Roman was feeling, Virgil held out his hand to him, silently telling the royal to come to hold it. Uncertain, he hesitantly walked over and placed his palm on top of Virgil’s, feeling somewhat reassured when the emo intertwined their fingers.  

“See, Dr. Logan, the friendly neighborhood unicorn knows how to help.” Roman couldn’t help but laugh at Virgil’s snarky remark. 

Logan spluttered, his cheeks turning pink. “I will not be mocked by someone who made skeleton puns.” The logical side pushed his glasses further up his nose, feigning offense. 

Patton placed a hand on Logan’s shoulder. “Now, now, it’s all in good fun.” The moral side smiled, knowing that Logan wasn’t offended at all. “Besides we’re all gonna have an osteoblast watching movies together.” 

Virgil and Roman joined Patton’s giggling, as they watched Logan process the pun. 

 “T-that doesn’t even make sense!” Logan threw his hands in the air.

The emo gave Roman’s hand another squeeze as if saying ‘this is how it should be’. Roman squeezed his hand back, agreeing wholeheartedly. 

‘Yes, this is how it should be’.

End

Taglist: @ukaia @kiwisandsprinkles @nervousarts @test-subject-0012 @iloveleopards-blog-blog @imgay-andresdytoslep @kai-the-person @ironwoman359   @narniasfinestavengingsociopath @iris-sanders-athena @peanut0303 @emo-potato-virgil @darkle-elkrad  @a-pastel-pan @max-is-tired @twilight-glow

[cesium-sheep]

alcohol never concretely did much for me. behavior changes were at least as much due to chameleoning and making a conscious choice to use alcohol as an excuse, and any alleviation of anxiety was always more commensurate with self-injurious behavior than an anxiolytic. plus it tastes fucking awful and it was probably one of the first mcas triggers I ever found. (after a couple drinks I’d still feel fully “myself” but kind of woozy and nauseous, to a degree disproportionate to my consumption and any other signs of intoxication. much like I do during a flare.)

but boy fucking howdy I’m very tempted to just take a benadryl and a shot. both partners have a long history of alcohol as maladaptive emotional coping (that they are each slowly working on), they probably wouldn’t even register it (if I was even found out in the first place). I’m not going to, because self-harm, even if it feels like the only avenue for release remaining, sets a bad example, and I can’t fucking deal with any potential fallout right now. I was responsible for several dozen brains over many many years, I am predisposed to assuming a substantial degree of fragility in those around me that my actions could easily upset. because of how long and how thoroughly that was true. and the one thing I have always and will always have is cast-iron control, to a fault.

[nekoannie-chan]

The night we met

Pairing: Brock Rumlow X Reader.

Word count: 1674 words.

Summary: Something went wrong in the last mission, something that completely changed his life, Brock doesn’t know how to overcome what happened and continue with his life.

Warnings: Some smut references, death of a character, nothing explicit.

A/N: Flashbacks are in italics.

This is my entry to @imma-new-soul​ ‘s Jay’s 550 followers writing challenge and to @angelinathebook​ ‘s Lena’s 300 followers writing challenge with the song prompt #1 y #5:

“The night we met” by Lord Huron.

Also is my entry to @ugh-supersoldiers‘s Gracey’s 5K Challenge with prompt #6:

“If you could feel what I feel when you walk into the room, everything about ‘us’ would change”.

My native language is Spanish so I wanna improve my writing skills in English if you notice any mistake please let me know and I will correct it.

I don’t give any kind of permission that my fics be posted in other platforms or languages (I translate myself my work) or the use of my graphics (my dividers are included in this), I did them exclusively for my fics, please respect my work and don't steal it. There are some people here who make dividers that anyone can use, mine is not this type, please look for the other's people. The only exception is the ones I gifted 'cuz now belong to someone else. If you find any of my works on a different platform and is not one of my accounts, please let me know. Reblogs and comments are always welcome.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Marvel's characters (unfortunately), except for the original characters and the story.

My other media where I publish: Wattpad, Ao3, ffnet.

If you like it please vote, comment, and give me feedback to improve my skills and reblog. 

I am not the only traveler

Who has not repaid his debt

 Brock was sitting on the floor, he saw the bottle in front of him, and there were also the photos, some of which were taken at your wedding, many of your dates, others of special moments in your relationship.  

He knew that at the time he should not get drunk, he had another obligation that needed him, but it was very difficult to continue with that pain.

It hurts so badly, he didn't know how he was going to get over it, he didn't feel able to continue, he was very angry because everything changed, the plans that you had now made no sense.  

It supposed you will be old together, you were going to have several children and they would see they grow up, but Werner von Strucker came to ruin all the plans, even though they had captured him, it wasn't enough, he wanted revenge, he needed to make he pays for destroying his family, but his teammates wouldn't let him, they claimed he would pay, however, they didn't understand what you meant to him. , nothing would be enough to make up for what had taken away from him.

 I've been searching for a trail to follow again Take me back to the night we met

 He could remember in great detail how you knew each other, both had entered as recruits for S.H.I.E.L.D.  

 You used to be away from the rest of the recruits, almost always alone, you seemed very shy, he used to always be chatting with one of his teammates.

That's precisely what caught Brock's eye on you, he didn't understand why someone as beautiful as you wouldn't want to draw attention.  

He felt lucky when he touched them on the same team in the first practice. 

“Y/N Y/L/N,” you introduced yourself by extending your hand. 

"Brock Rumlow," he replied by holding your hand. 

You were a great team, you always gave the best results.

The first time he asked you for a date, he'd never felt so nervous before, for a moment he thought you were going to turn him down, he walked into the office you were working on to invite you in.  

"Do you want to go to the fair?” He invited you. 

"With you?” You asked distractedly.  

“Yes... Well... forget it, never mind,” he retracted.

You blinked a little, you finally understood what Brock had asked you.  

"I'd love to, as long as it's just you and me," you answered.  

He smiled a little, the nerves were gone.  

"Only you and me, Saturday at seven o'clock, I pick you, okay?”  

"Perfect.”

 And then I can tell myself What the hell I'm supposed to do

 He looked up a little more, in a chair, was the first stuffed animal he had given you, the face you had put in made it worthwhile, it had been a successful first date.

 "Do you want some of those stuffed animals?" he asked when you walked past one of the stands.   

"Do you know how to play it? I'm too bad for those games," you said.  

You stopped in front of the post and paid.  

"Which stuffed animal do you want?" he questioned.  

"That dog," you pointed out.  

Never before had he felt so pressured to win a prize, he played and won it, he immediately gave it to you, you looked like a little girl. 

"Thank you, you're very skillful," you thanked him.

You kissed him, you barely grazed his lips, but that was enough for him.

 And then I can tell myself Not to ride along with you

 Your kisses, he was going to miss them, your body, your caresses, everything from you.

 He needed to know if you two were in a relationship to know how to behave, if it was just an adventure, would set aside your feelings. 

"So what are we?” He asked.  

"Aren't we in a relationship? I thought that...” 

"We've never talked about it before..."Then I have to assume we're nothing or we can be in a relationship if that's what you want,” you figured.

He kissed you.

 I had all and then most of you Some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met

 He felt it was all his fault what happened, he must have insisted that you stay at the Compound with Wanda that day, if he could return the time, he would prevent you from going on a mission. 

 You were lying in bed after making love, you had your face hidden in his chest, while he hugged you with one arm and with the other hand caressed your hair.  

"Marry me," he said suddenly. 

"Hmm?”   

You raised your face, you weren't sure what you heard. 

"I know it's not the most romantic way, but I want to spend the rest of my life with you," he continued.  

You smiled, you passed a finger over his chest. 

"Are you sure? I can be very unbearable," you answered.

“If you could feel what I feel when you walk into the room, everything about ‘us’ would change.”

You bit your lip, you knew he couldn't stand the intrigue. 

"I don't think you're very convinced.” 

 "I am more than ever, do you want to be my wife?" he asked again.  

"Yes, but only if you give me my engagement ring," you answered, laughing.

"I'll buy you the one you like the most," he promised. 

He kissed you and you made love again.

 I don't know what I'm supposed to do Haunted by the ghost of you Oh, take me back to the night we met

 He stroked his wedding ring with one finger, what was he gonna do now?

He saw your wedding photo, it was one of the happiest days of his life when he started thinking that he should do things right.  

He took the picture, for him, you had been the most beautiful bride in the world in that dress.  

Sometimes you used to dance to the song that had been your waltz at your wedding.

 You were married for four months when he decided to tell you the truth.

 "I have something to confess to you," he said out of nowhere.  

You looked at him with doubt, even though you kept muddying the jam on the bread you were having for breakfast.  

"Are you cheat on me?" you questioned trying to stay calm. 

"What? No! I couldn't do that to you.”  

"Ah... then it can't be worse,” you answered calmer. 

 "I'm HYDRA," he finally said.  

You dropped the bread out of your hand. 

 "What? Oh... Brock...”  

What were you supposed to do? You never suspected he was the enemy.

"If you ask me I'm going to confess everything to Fury, I don't want to lose you, first listen to me, there's a good reason for this...

 You had heard and supported it, in the end as promised he confessed everything to Fury and even helped dismantle the organization enemies, yet many enemies had been gained. 

When the night was full of terrors And your eyes were filled with tears

 When you announced that you were pregnant, he immediately prevented her from going on more missions, he didn't plan on taking any chances, finally, he was having the family, he had always wanted.

One night you got up when you heard noises, they came from what would be the baby's room, when you walked in you saw Brock opening boxes with the furniture that would be in the room.  

"Brock, isn't it very fast yet, I mean, I'm only three months old," you asked. 

He turned to see you, he didn't think he was making so much noise.   

"Everything must be ready by the time the baby gets here," he replied.

 And when the little girl was born, he didn't care if they saw him crying, it was promised that he would protect his daughter from any danger.  

Tears fell again when he remembers when the doctors told him that you were dead.

 When you had not touched me yet Oh, take me back to the night we met

 “Brock…”

It hurts a lot, he crouched down to check your wounds. 

“Y/N... wait... help is on the way," he said. 

"I don't think...”

”Shh... everything will be fine, they're on their way," he repeated.  

He was trying to stop the blood loss, but you'd already lost too much. 

"I love you, tell our daughter that I love her too, please take care of her, take care of her, please, I’m sorry….” 

He tried to keep you from talking to keep you from running out of energy. 

The wait in the hospital had become eternal, as soon as he saw the doctor immediately rose.  

"I'm sorry, they didn't make it," they informed him. 

 "Did they make it?" he asked.  

The information was like a bucket of cold water.

 I had all and then most of you Some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met

 You were three weeks pregnant, he couldn't help wondering why you hadn't told him yet, what he didn't know was that you were going to tell him the night that you came back from the mission.  

He wiped away tears when he heard the door open.  

"Daddy?" the little girl came into the room.  

"Hey princess," he replied by opening his arms to get him closer. 

The girl ran to hug him.

"Sorry, she got away," Wanda apologized coming in.  

Brock beckoned her that he was fine.  

"Mommy doesn't love me anymore?” The little girl suddenly asked.

"What? Why do you say that?” Brock questioned.  

He had asked not to tell him anything that had happened, he wanted to explain it to him himself.

"She didn't come back," she replied.  

"Your mommy loves you, do you remember Lucky?”  

"Mom's dog? Yes, he liked me to give him my candies.”  

"Mom and Lucky are together," Brock explained.  

"In heaven?”  

"Yes, from there they're going to take care of us," he continued.  

"Why didn't she say goodbye? We're not going to the park on Saturday anymore?" the girls asked distraughtly.

Brock sighed, it was harder than he had thought, and he had been promised that all three would go on the weekend.  

"In a little while we'll say goodbye to your mommy, don't worry, you and I are going to the park," he told her.  

He got up and carried her, it was time to go to your funeral, it was going to be very difficult, he kept feeling that his world was collapsed, he would give everything to go back to the day he met you and avoid making all the mistakes, he would be able to do anything as long as you were alive.  

However, he couldn't let himself be beaten, his daughter needed him.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do Haunted by the ghost of you Take me back to the night we met 

[artemishide]

So, I couldn't help myself and wrote on my own prompt. This is just a start, any comment is welcome and feel free to use the same prompt for your work (just use tags).

Also please let me know if you'd honestly read more of it <3

Movie: Shame (2011)

Characters: Brandon Sullivan (Michaele Fassbender)

Pairing: Brandon Sullivan/Reader

Tags: Smut, Angst, Psychology, addiction, mention of rape, prostitution

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, nor the movie stuff. Also, English is not my mother tongue so if you see something weird please point it out :)

Prompt:

= DANGEROUS LIASONS =

- Chapter 1. -

02:35 am.

You blinked.

For the hundredth time you find yourself asking if this is your only option. For the hundredth time, you knew it was.

With frozen cold fingers you lifted your hand and knocked on the door. The wait seemed eternal and, for a brief moment, you even thought of running. Then the door opened.

The man looked you with questioning eyes, scanning your figure form head to toe, then he seemed to remember who you were.

“Mr Sullivan, I know it's late, but-”

“I didn't call for you” he interrupted. He gave an hard look and began to close the door, but you stopped it midway.

“Please, Sir... it won't take long I promise. I just” you stumbled to get the words out “My phone's dead and I don't have any other place to go, I just need to charge it a bit and then I...” you nearly chocked.

Then what?

You just run from you home with a travel bag full of clothes and Academy books. You felt utterly lost.

He seemed to consider you for a minute or two, taking in your wet figure, snow flakes melted on your hair and shoulder, drenching your coat. Then shook his head.

“It's none of my damn business. Go away” and shut the door.

You felt panic clawing at your gut. You didn't really consider what you'd have done if he had turn you away, but now it felt as the whole world was collapsing at you feet.

Before you could manage to catch a hold on yourself you were pounding at the door shouting.

“NO, no no, please, you have to help me Mr Sullivan, please! You can't let me out here you have to...” you breath was cut out from wave of nausea and panic and you sobbed holding onto the door frame while the corridor seemed to turn upside down. You barely registered the hands cahtching you, dragging you inside and shoving you against the wall.

“Shut the fuck you idiot, you are going to wake up the entire fucking block!” his raged low voice teared you off your panic attack. His face was few mere inches from your and you clung to his presence to ground yourself. His breath was hot on you cold skin and you shudder at the sudden deja vu of his body against yours.

It was just two day ago, same apartment, same rough hands and clear eyes. You parted your lips feeling lightheaded with the warm from the heat and his body.

“Please...” you nearly forgot what you were begging for, then you met his raw stare and all the situation crashed back at you.

“I just need to charge my phone and warm a bit” you stuttered “Then I'll be gone. I swear” you hated how your voice sounded weak and pleading.

“You have thirty minutes. Then I'll call the police”

You nodded.

He let go of your coat stepping back. He seemed to consider you for a moment, then pointed at the record player.

“There's a spare charger there. Leave your coat and boots at the door I don't want any wet spot on the floor”

You obliged. You stripped of your coat and boots feeling like you already lived that moment, but a decade ago. You sank into the couch leaving you phone turned off while charging and tried to plan your next move. Seeking for help at your last client's apartment was really far-fetched and now that you are there you actually don't know what you'll do after that half an hour.

There's no actual place you can go to and outside it's still snowing. You have enough money for a motel room, but even if you find a place to stay this night than there's the night after and the night after that. You clasp your head through your hands. Why you? Why on all earth did you deserve to be nearly assaulted by your host?

You did this to yourself, said your self-loathing, you started all this by selling your body to pay the bills. It was a matter of time that somebody figured it out and tried to assault you.

You shook your head. It was no time for this shit. You have to focus.

Come on girl, just focus.

The moan you heard right after made all your effort worthless.

At first, you thought it was just imagination. Given your job and how shook up you were.

Then you heard it again and there was no mistake in it. It came from the bedroom, sound muffled by the closed door.

Did I interrupt something? But no, there was no way a woman could stand still in a bedroom with a stranger female showing up at the door. More so, the moans were now rhythmic and a bit exaggerated with no sound of actual bed moving.

A porn.

Your former client was watching a porn.

With you in the living room.

You frowned, your psychologist senses alerted.

This wasn't ordinary. An average man, with a basic sense of prudery, would hardly indulge in something like watching porn with a woman next-door. You recalled your encounter few days before: ease, like it wasn't the first time he hired an hooker; hunger, the way he touched and demanded like he was starving for contact; blown eyes, sudden calm right after, with something hunted at the bottom of his gaze. You studied these symptoms...

Something clicked into your head.

Addiction.

This was unmistakably addiction. And maybe, this was the answer to your current condition.

Question is: will you be able to fully act on it?

[mistrose23]

Part 2

DISCLAIMER: This is just an idea for a friend of mine, she wanted a Tony x reader x John smut. I know that Tony and John are not in the same universe, so this is just a fantasy.

SUMMARY: Y/N works with the Avengers when she gets an assignment to find an artifact for them. While searching for the item, she meets John Wick. She is in a friend with benefits relationship with Tony Stark, but what happens when she gets close with John?

WARNINGS: Smut, age gap, language, dom/sub, rough sex, sex toys, BDSM, choking, etc. 18+ ONLY

WORD COUNT: 3457

Part 1 | part 2 |

That afternoon she met with all of the Avengers, except for Thor. Rhodey was absent, but Sam and Wanda were there.  

Steve opened the meeting. ‘Okay, Tony and Y/N went to the exhibition yesterday for the ring. They saw it, but later it was stolen. Tony?’ 

‘Thanks, Capsicle,’ Tony said with a smile. ‘Yeah, Y/N and I were at the exhibition. Y/N saw it in the beginning of the night. We had split up, so that we could search faster. She found it. Later we checked it again and it was gone, along with the security guard. I think there was a hour in between the moments. We decided to go and meet with Clint and Natasha and we talked about it. Natasha checked the security footage with us and we saw that a man, John Wick, wore the ring when he left the building. Y/N and I both talked to the man. Clint informed us that John Wick is a highly trained hitman and he works for a secret organization. If we decide to trace him, we have to be careful.’ 

Steve and Bruce nodded, but Y/N was on high alert.  

‘If?’ she asked. ‘What do you mean if?’ 

‘Y/N,’ he said softly. ‘He is very lethal. We have to be careful.’ 

She laughed and she stood up. ‘He is lethal? What about us? Natasha and Clint are assassins. Wanda is freaking amazing with her powers. Bruce is the Hulk. Steve and Sam are soldiers. And you are Iron Man. I think he is the one who needs to be afraid.’ 

‘It’s not that easy, Y/N,’ Steve tried to reason with her. ‘We don’t know what we’re walking into. We have to do some research.’ 

‘I have his phone number,’ she stated. ‘We can trace him. Hell, I can even call him and ask for a meet-up.’ 

‘No,’ Steve said and he watched her with stern eyes. ‘But we can trace his phone.’ 

‘Great,’ she smiled. ‘I’m already working on it.’ 

Everyone watched her in surprise.  

‘Y/N!’ Tony scolded.  

‘What?’ she huffed. ‘It’s taking too long. For all we know, he already gave it away or moved it or I don’t know.’ 

‘If we act too quick, we will make mistakes,’ Bruce said to her.  

‘She has a point,’ Natasha said. ‘Maybe the organization already has it.’ 

‘It would be harder to steal it from an organization than from a man,’ Clint shrugged.  

Y/N played with her hands. ‘Erm, maybe I know that the organization doesn’t have it yet.’ 

Everyone looked at her again.  

‘Y/N!’ Tony groaned. ‘How do you know?’ 

‘Maybe I, erm, called him?’ she muttered. ‘Look, I couldn’t wait.’ 

‘Why is this ring so important to you?’ Sam questioned her.  

Steve and Wanda were watching her curiously. Clint and Natasha had their suspicions, but they didn’t question her.  

‘It just is,’ Y/N said defensively and she folded her arms. ‘Steve, I can set-up a meeting with him. I talked to him yesterday. If you’re not okay with it, you can come along.’ 

‘No, Y/N,’ Steve decided. ‘First tell me why you want that ring so badly.’ 

Y/N hesitated. She wanted to tell the team, but it was also a family thing. But she knew that she should tell the team to win their trust.  

‘Fine,’ she gave in and she sat down. ‘It’s a family heirloom. My family heirloom. It was stolen from us many years ago by the Russian mob. My family has tried to steal it back every since, but without any luck. I grew up with the story and it became an obsession. That’s why I want it so badly. It’s dangerous in de wrong hands.’ 

‘Is it true then?’ Bruce asked. ‘Does it contain an elixir?’ 

Y/N nodded. ‘The Elixir of Life, yeah.’ 

Steve and Tony looked at each other, silently making an decision. Bruce shot Y/N a sympathetic look.  

‘Y/N, we have to do some research,’ Steve said. ‘It’s too dangerous to go to John Wick without any knowledge. We have to be prepared. And when we are, you are on the team. I promise.’ 

‘Tony? Please?’ Y/N pleaded and she watched him with puppy dog eyes.  

He sighed and shook his head. ‘I agree with Steve.’ 

She nodded gloomy.  

 Later that day, in the evening, Y/N was preparing herself for her meeting with John. She had done her make-up and now she was picking out her outfit. It was casual, yet fancy. She didn’t want to wear a dress, because she didn’t know if she had to fight this evening, so she wore a matching jacket with pants and a fancy top. As she was checking herself out in the mirror, she heard her phone buzz. Y/N picked it up and saw a text from John. He told her the address and that he couldn’t wait for tonight. She smiled and she put on heels. The young woman took her purse and she decided to take some weapons with her, including a sleeping drug. When she had everything, she switched the lights off and made her way to the elevator.  

As soon as she set a foot in the living area, a light was switched on and she spotted Tony in the corner of the room. Slowly he made his way to her.  

‘Unfortunately, I suspected that you were going to sneak out to meet Wick tonight,’ Tony sighed. ‘Why?’ 

‘Tony,’ Y/N mumbled. ‘I told you, it’s my family heirloom. I need it.’ 

‘I can’t let you go,’ he told her and he stood still in front of her. ‘I can’t let you kill yourself.’ 

Y/N huffed. ‘You think that low of me? I can handle myself, I am trained.’ 

‘I know you can,’ Tony promised her, his fingers stroked her arm. The touch sent shivers to her spine. It felt like her skin was on fire. ‘I simply can’t lose you.’ 

‘T-tony,’ Y/N stuttered.  

His fingers traced her jawline and he lifted her chin. ‘Stay here, please.’ 

‘I can’t,’ she wanted to look away, but she was mesmerized by his eyes.  

‘Then I will force you to stay,’ Tony whispered. He started to walk again, so every time he took a step forwards, Y/N took a step backwards. ‘After all, you were a very bad girl yesterday.’ 

‘What are you doing?’ Y/N asked, her mouth was dry.  

His eyes were fixated on her and Y/N couldn’t stop looking at him. She was so focused on him, that she didn’t noticed that there was a cabinet behind her, until she hit it with her back. Y/N let out a breath that she didn’t know that she held.  

‘Close your eyes,’ Tony whispered, she felt his breath tickle her cheeks.  

She did what he asked. It didn’t take long, but she felt something cold around her wrist and then she heard a click. What was he doing? What – oh no!  

‘I think you need to be punished,’ Tony told her. ‘Open your eyes, bitch.’ 

Y/N opened her eyes. Immediately, her eyes darted to her wrist and she gulped when she saw that she was cuffed to the cabinet behind her.  

‘The safe word is piano,’ the man in front of her told her. ‘Do you understand, sweetheart?’ 

Y/N just looked at him but didn’t say anything. That was her first mistake of the evening. Within seconds, Tony grabbed her chin forcefully and he eyed her intensely.  

‘Do you understand, slut?’ Tony growled.  

‘Yes, sir,’ Y/N whispered.  

‘Very good,’ he smiled, and he released her chin. ‘I think the first thing you can do for me is to suck my dick.’ 

Without thinking, Y/N sunk to her knees, but it was a bit hard with one hand cuffed to the cabinet behind her. She could see the bulge forming in Tony his pants and she had to admit, she was getting wet. With one steady hand, the young woman opened Tony his pants. Slowly, just to tease him, she pushed his pants down his legs. Her nails scraped his skin and she heard him hiss. Good. Tony helped her, because she couldn’t undo him from his pants with one hand. After that she looked up. Tony groaned, this sight was doing things to him and Y/N noticed. She could see his boner through his boxers. Her nails traced his legs again and she scratched him slightly. When her face was at the same height as his dick, she pressed a kiss against his thigh. She kissed her way to his boxers and as soon as she felt the fabric, she nudged his hard cock with her nose.  

‘Do something,’ Tony growled.  

Y/N smiled and she hooked her fingers around the elastic of his boxers. She released him from the pressure and his dick sprung free, it almost hit her in the face. After she threw his underwear away, she took his dick in her hand. Nonchalantly she pumped his length and Tony his hand immediately went to her hair. He made a makeshift ponytail in her hair.  

‘Put your lips around me,’ he ordered and he tugged at her hair.  

And of course, Y/N complied. But she complied in her own way. She kissed the underside of his cock and she started to lick it. Her hand was still on Tony his length. Then, she kissed his balls, one at the time. From above, Tony groaned and moaned. She stuck out her tongue and she licked a full stripe until his tip. 

‘O God, Y/N,’ Tony muttered. ‘You’re doing so fucking well, woman. Keep going and maybe I will reward you tonight.’ 

Y/N kitten licked his tip and Tony lost it. He was panting and he pulled at her hair. Tony knew that complimenting the woman giving him a blowjob was a turn on for her. And it turned him on as well. Y/N wrapped her lips around the head and she started sucking him. Tony held the ponytail again and he set the pace for them. Y/N her head bopped and she moved her hand to one of his balls to massage him. She felt his cock pulse in her mouth and she knew he was close. 

She let go off his cock slowly and with that move, her saliva dripped over her chin. ‘I can feel you are close, sir. Do you want to fuck my mouth or do you want me to keep sucking?’ 

‘Keep sucking,’ Tony grunted. ‘I will fuck you later. Perhaps against the fridge or bend over on the counter.’ 

Y/N gulped and she wished that she wasn’t cuffed, so that she could touch herself. It ached between her legs. But she obliged to Tony and took his cock in her mouth again. She sucked, kissed and licked all of his length and she massaged his balls. 

‘Fuck, Y/N,’ Tony growled. ‘F-fuck, I’m so close. Give me everything you got, sweetie.’ 

So that’s what she did and he came. He came with white spurs of cum and Y/N happily swallowed everything. She licked every last bit of it and she smiled at Tony. He was panting, but he was also happy. He lifted her up and kissed her passionately. Her back was pressed against the counter, while he touched her boobs and she palmed his dick again. She smiled a bit, when she felt it hardening again.  

‘You did so fucking well, sweetheart,’ Tony complimented her and he let go of her lips. Instead his kissed her neck and he sucked at the skin. ‘I’m so proud of you. So I will reward you. What do you think of me eating you out?’ 

‘Sir, please,’ Y/N gasped. He was already pleasuring her neck, but the thought of him going down on her. ‘I will be so good for you.’ 

‘You already are,’ he said. ‘But you are wearing too many clothes. Let’s get rid of these pants. And the jacket.’ 

He shoved the jacket over her shoulders and he uncuffed her for a second, so that he could get the jacket off properly. Then, he undid her pants and panties at once. The cold air hit her pussy and she shivered. Please, could he touch her already? Tony grinned and he picked her up and put her on the counter. He took of his tie and he tied her hands together and behind her back.  

‘No touching,’ he whispered.  

Tony put one hand on her throat and the other found his way down. Y/N moaned when his fingers made contact with her core. He slowly rubbed her and at the same time, he squeezed her throat a little bit. Those things together made Y/N quiver. He kissed her breasts through her shirt and he could feel him smile. Every now and then he squeezed her throat and Y/N loved it. She knew that Tony didn’t like to choke her, because he knew what it was like being choked. So she respected that from him and she appreciated that he did it slightly. She gasped when the let one finger slip in her pussy. He started to pump and Y/N moaned. 

‘Your finger is doing magic, sir,’ Y/N complimented him. ‘Keep going, please.’ 

He added a second finger and the other hand released her breast. ‘Thank you, slut. Tell me exactly what you want me to do.’ 

She couldn’t speak, because his fingers felt so good. His thumb grazed her clit a few times and she cried out in pleasure. 

‘I want your tongue,’ she breathed. ‘I want you to go down on me.’ 

‘Sure,’ Tony said happily.  

He retreated his fingers, licked them clean and then he pushed her legs apart. His head disappeared between them and she wished that she could pull his hair. His tongue entered her core and Y/N groaned. His nose touched her clit and she felt like she was in heaven. Tony placed his hands on her thighs and he scratched her carefully with his nails. 

‘Tony, Tony, Tony!’ she screamed. ‘Please, keep doing what you’re doing! You are amazing! Sir, never stop!’ 

Tony loved that she was begging him. Little did she know the little plan that he had.  

He pulled back somewhat, just so that he could speak. ‘You are not allowed to cum until I say so.’ 

She nodded. ‘Okay, sir.’ 

Her back arched when he put her clit in his mouth. He sucked and Y/N could cum if she wanted to, but she knew that she had to wait.  

‘Sir, I’m so fucking close,’ she said, tears were in her eyes. ‘Can I please cum?’ 

He shook his head and Y/N whined. Tony loved it when she whined. It made him feel powerful. Tony could feel her pussy clenching around his tongue, so he also knew that she was very close.  

‘T-tony!’ she screamed. The pleasure was overwhelming and she needed the green light from him. ‘Please! I’m begging you, please!’ 

She could feel him smile. Tony let go off her and he kissed her clit once more, but he let go completely.  

‘You were very naughty and disrespectful, today and yesterday,’ he said and he whipped his mouth clean with the back of his hand. Y/N her precum could be seen on his goatee. ‘You do not deserve to cum. Not yet, at least. Maybe I change my mind.’ 

Y/N whined and she had tears in her eyes. But, this was part of how they had sex, she didn’t need to use the safe word.  

Tony untied her. But before she could do anything, he ripped the rest of her clothes of. She stood completely naked in front of him. Tony undressed himself too and Y/N just stood there, waiting. Without a warning, Tony grabbed her throat and pushed her against the fridge. The cold material hit her back and she gasped. O god.  

‘They say make-up sex is the best sex,’ Tony whispered in her ear. ‘Maybe we should test that out.’ 

Y/N was still sensitive from the orgasm denial, but she wanted to cum so badly. If she just complied to everything Tony said, perhaps he would let her cum. It was also until now that she realized that her hands were free. Full excitement, she grabbed Tony’s hair and pulled it. This made him groan and he kissed her breasts passionately. Y/N drabbed both her legs around his hips and with her legs, she pulled him close to her. His hard cock was definitely present. She rubbed her pussy against his cock, and he growled like a wild animal.  

‘Oh, Y/N,’ he grinned. ‘The things that I want to do to you. You make me go nuts.’ 

‘Then fuck me,’ Y/N dared him. ‘Fuck me so that I can’t walk tomorrow.’ 

Something changed in Tony’s eyes. They became darker. ‘Oh, that is exactly what I want to do. Fuck you so hard, that you can’t go to John Wick anymore. Fuck you so hard, that you can’t go on that mission. You’re mine, Y/N. I will make us exclusive. Watch me.’ 

She moaned just hearing him say those words. He pushed his dick inside of her and he started to slide in and out of like there was no tomorrow. Tony hit every spot and Y/N was a moaning mess. God, she wished he would never stop. They were complimenting each other, how good they were, how well they took each other and how much they loved it. Tony fucked her with every inch of his body and that resulted in Y/N being slammed against the fridge. Her back hit it furiously, but she couldn’t care. She could only focus on the pleasure he was giving her. 

Tony felt Y/N’s pussy clenching around his cock. She was close, just like him. He hoped that her pussy was ready to milk him. ‘You’re allowed to cum, sweetie. Make it a good one.’  

His hand moved to her core and he placed his thumb over her clit. He rubbed it so passionately, that she came immediately. She was panting and moaning, and Tony helped her ride out her high. Not long after, he came as well. His cum filled Y/N’s core mostly, but some spilled out of her.  

After a while, Y/N slowly released her legs from his hips. She let herself slid down against the fridge, until her feet hit the floor. She was a bit wobbly, but Tony caught her quickly. 

‘Let’s go to my room, you were so good,’ he told her, and he kissed her cheek.  

She nodded, picked up their clothes and followed him to his bedroom. On their way, Tony took a towel from somewhere and he led her in his room. She took the towel that he was handing her, and she cleaned herself. Then, she gave it back to him so that he could clean himself too.  

‘I’m sorry about yesterday,’ Y/N said to him, while she put on her panties and bra. ‘I just wanted to tease you, but now I see that I went too far.’ 

‘I’m sorry too,’ Tony told her, and he took a bathrobe from his closet. He sat down on his bed and watched her. ‘I shouldn’t have ignored you.’ 

In the corner on the room stood a table with some glasses and a bottle filled with whiskey. Y/N walked over there, and she took two glasses. She turned around to look at Tony and she saw that he was in his ensuite bathroom. Quickly, she took a vile from her purse, opened it and put a little bit of the powder in one of the glasses. She threw it in her purse again and filled both glasses with the liquor.  

Tony came back and he gladly accepted the glass from her. ‘Cheers to tonight. Will you stay with me?’ 

‘Cheers,’ Y/N said, and she sat down on his bed. ‘I will. I need some sleep.’ 

Tony took a big sip and nodded. ‘Me too. That was some good fucking.’ 

Y/N laughed and nodded. ‘It was. You know I love it when you’re dominant.’ 

‘And you are a very good sub,’ he winked at her and he laid down on the bed. ‘What did you give me? Whiskey?’ 

‘Yeah, why?’ she asked innocently.  

‘I-I just feel a bit dizzy?’ he said with confusing.  

Y/N sighed, and she looked at him apologetic. ‘Yeah, I’m sorry, Tony. That must be the sleeping drug. Steve gave it to me. I’m going to John, I really need that ring.’ 

Tony’s eyes went wide. ‘No, no! Y/N, you can’t – you, you can’t -’ 

His eyelids felt heavy and the last thing that he saw, was Y/N. She had her clothes on again and she closed his door with a frown on her face. 

[ofxwordsxandxletters]

Become the Place I Rest My Weary Bones

Series: Wynonna Earp

Disclaimer: The pairing and plot are mine and the characters are borrowed in this work of fan-made fiction off of which no money is made. 

Pairing: Hollirey

Rating: PG-15 (for suggestive situations and nudity)

Doc Holliday finds himself in an interesting situation when exhaustion leads him to the last place he should be going without his weapons: The trailer park owned by one Bobo Del Rey...

*~*~*~*~*

Become the Place I Rest My Weary Bones

He slides his hat off before raking his fingers through his hair. Breathing staccatos for a moment before steadying and John Henry wonders, not for the first time, if the crazy filling his life was worth it. He was becoming more and more assured that Wyatt had been right all along and he should have just let nature take its course. 

He’d just been too much of a coward back then; too afraid to square up to all his deeds and choices in life. He’d wanted more time for something he couldn’t even recall anymore; he was so tired. His very bones were tired. And at the end of the day, he wasn’t sure what it was he was actually achieving anymore. 

Some days it didn’t even seem worth it. 

“You look a little stressed, Henry. Might I suggest meditation or actual sleep?” 

The drawled tone that usually got him to rebuke him with just as much spite startles him and he is pretty sure he gives a panicked look that off-sets the Revenant because Bobo blinks for a long moment before going, “Okay, you definitely need to sleep then because I assure you I’m not trying for that sort of response from you. Goodness, Holliday.” 

“I...what?” He suddenly realizes that he’d wandered out to the compound without realizing it which is why the other had approached. 

“Come on,” the other says immediately noting his confusion, “I am not having you wandering around like some idiot zombie.”

He’s too tired for an altercation, that’s what he decides to go with, when he lets the other walk him through the park to his own trailer. Everything was getting harder to focus on and the most troubling is the thought buzzing around that he’d come here of all places when exhausted beyond measure. He was no threat and wasn’t even armed. And here he was; at the compound with the goddamn Revenants. 

Being shot probably would have been well deserved at this point. 

Fingers tugging impatiently get his attention and he blinks slowly, sluggishly at the other male who huffs at him, “You’re clearly not going to sleep in your hat or most of this so come on and work with me a little, Henry, before I just strip you completely naked and shove you under the blankets.” He blinks a moment a little owlishly before would come, “You know what; fuck this. You’re going to stand there like a zombie then we’re doing this my way and you can bitch at me when your lightbulb turns back on.”

He still feels like he’s wading through molasses somewhat when the other starts removing layers and isn’t sure when the last time he'd actually slept was. Soon, he feels hands at his jeans and struggles to even get himself to respond with no success. And as it turns out, Bobo is not joking about stripping him to his skin and pushing him into his bed with a snarked, “Sleep, idiot, because clearly you need it.” 

At this point, he is unable to do more than just comply. 

Waking up is another matter entirely as consciousness brings with it all the revelations of his previous actions and decisions. A flush colors his skin as he realizes that he is indeed naked in Bobo Del Rey’s bed. “I did warn you,” comes the remark that has his attention shifting sharply to the demon leaning against the wall watching him. 

“H-how long...have I been asleep?” 

“Almost fourteen hours. Good job, Henry.”

He feels his skin heat up and is sure he’s flushing from embarrassment. Honestly, he should be more careful with himself but it was just getting to him. Everything was getting to him. “Did anyone try and call?”

“No, lucky for you no one seems to have noticed. I wouldn’t trust that to be the case a second time so try and get a better sleep pattern that involves more than a few days in between resting periods. You’re at a clear disadvantage when you do that since your first thought is to come here of all places. Honestly, I’m surprised no one took a shot at you.” 

“Suppose I have our tentative truce to thank for that.” 

“Probably though I don’t know if it covers idiot gunslingers waltzing around unarmed into the compound. Honestly, Henry, you are a menace.” 

“Says the fur-coat wearing Revenant.” 

“At least I sleep adequately.”

“Proper sleep is no excuse for bad fashion sense.” 

“Says the very naked man in my bed? Might wanna be careful about throwing insults if you don’t want to...handle the consequences, Henry.”

Despite the fact that the Revenant’s tone is clearly teasing, Doc can’t help the darkened flush or the way he makes sure most of him is covered. Bobo Del Rey was very unpredictable and he wasn’t sure exactly where the male’s lines were in this case so he isn’t sure exactly what was implied but he could guess. Maybe. “Fine, I’ll...suspend the argument about the coat then.”

That has the Revent snorting before he’d remark, “I promise that you are safe here. I would never do something without explicit consent so no need to worry about your virtue.”

“Are you sure about that?” 

The male gives a grin before snapping his teeth at him and answering, “Henry, I want you to be horny for me not terrified. It’s not at all fun if everyone is not having a good time. So yes, I am sure. Your virtue is safe. For now.”

“For now?” 

Bobo grins before repeating, “Yes, for now.” 

*~*~*~*~*

The promise, or possible threat, follows days after occupying more of Doc’s thoughts than he particularly enjoys.  While part of him is sure that the other had said it only to off-set him because heaven knew Bobo Del Rey liked to ruffle people; another part, a part he was trying very hard not to think about the implications of, wondered if it was honest interest.

He highly doubts it would be the case to be the latter rather than the former no matter how much parts of him would prefer the male to like him. There was something insufferably charming about the Revenant; a charisma that tempted no matter the underlying danger of the demon. Doc very much dislikes how much the male tempted him.

Fingers curl around the drink he hadn’t exactly touched in the past thirty minutes or so too engrossed in trying to wrangle his thoughts and Doc isn’t sure how to deal with this. While he knows having an actual conversation with the problem at hand would no doubt be the best idea he was all too aware of the fact that it wouldn’t be what he wanted. Not by a long shot. And he really isn't sure it was a good idea to just tell him he would really like to know what would happen if he was naked again with him and this time willing for whatever he desired. 

Would that be playing into his game? These thoughts and questions are  what has him wanting and yet unable to drink. And it is maddening. 

His phone goes off interrupting both his drink and thoughts and he answers before checking the number. “Hello?”

“Hello, Henry, how are you? Sleeping better, I hope.” 

The Revenant’s voice has his eyes closing as way too many emotions fill him. “We need to talk, Bobo Del Rey, and not over the telephone.” He needed to see him, to gauge what he was feeling and whether or not this was honest. 

That he wants it  to be honest says a lot. 

“So you want to speak face-to-face? I can do that. Where would you feel most comfortable then, Henry?” 

“Would you be okay coming to Shorty’s?” 

“I will be there in ten.”

Somehow, Doc isn’t sure if he’s impressed or concerned with the ease by which the other agrees to meet him. He gazes at the drink on the table and sighs softly before rubbing his face. What, exactly, was he hoping to accomplish by inviting the Revenant to him? Clearly it wasn’t a good idea; no exchange between them was but he was curious, too curious to see how far the other was willing to let him call the shots and just how much of himself he was willing to reveal.

He does not have too long to fret or over think the situation before a familiar figure struts over to him. "Haven't taken a drink? That's a new one for you, Holliday."

"I find myself distracted these days as it were. Something I suspect was your intention, Bobo Del Rey."

He watches the male's reaction and finds the amused smile telling. "Well, I suppose I might have had something to do with that at least a little bit. But I will point out that you did wander, with no weapons and more than half asleep,  into a place filled with Revenants. Someone had to save you from yourself at that point."

"So did I imagine the flirtations?"

There is something that falls heavy between them at the question, and Doc suddenly realizes that this was a turning point in whatever was between them. He watches the male trying to read him without allowing him to see how much he needed this answer. For someone who was good at cards, he’s not sure how much he hides as he waits for the response. 

“No, you did not,” comes the answer as the male rests his chin on his hand and watches him before adding, “I do not know if anyone has told you but you are as insufferable as you are charming, John Henry Holliday. I am hardly immune to your charms such as they are. Which is probably why you haven’t been murdered. Or shoved back in that well.” 

“Much obliged on both of those not being done to my person,” he answers fingers tracing around the rim of his glass, “What I want...what I need to know is what your intentions are, Bobo  Del Rey.”

"Thought I told you this already, Henry: I want you willing for me." Doc is still and merely gazes at him which earns a rather bemused grin from the Revenant watching him in return. "Considering your many dalliances, I cannot be the first to hit on you."

No, he was right about that. Doc was not a stranger to being approached. However none of them were at all this charismatic, dangerous, or tempting. And heaven knew that it was a dangerous gamble with this particular male. “We both know that you are by far the most tempestuous, dangerous, and unpredictable individual in Purgatory so it goes without saying that one needs to be cautious where you are concerned.”

“You are learning, good. But honestly, Henry, as I told you; it’s not fun unless everyone is having a good time. I’m a demon not a monster. So, you decide how comfortable you are with that idea and let me know. But as you’ve no doubt figured out; minus the usual nonsense that you know not to bring in my orbit, the park is open to you though I would not come unarmed again. I may remember what constitutes being a gentleman but they still don’t and considering your penchant for taking their money from them; they’re not at all forgiving or lenient. Demons rarely are.”

“I can handle the Revs just fine,” Doc answers, “Been shot at plenty of times. Least they don’t throw the bullets back at a man.”

“Well, if you’d learn the first time not to shoot at someone who manipulates metal maybe you would not have that problem, Henry.” 

He finds himself, despite the situation, chuckling. “Perhaps, you do have a point.”

“Several of them if I’m near cutlery.”

He has no doubt of that or anything metallic in the male’s reach being turned into a dangerous and possibly lethal projectile if he willed it. It was very much one of the top reasons to be very careful in one’s dealings with him no matter what those dealings were; personal, professional, etc. 

“Is everything okay over here?” 

Doc finds himself tensing at the question though he knew there was a chance of interruption considering where they were. He gazes at Waverly who is looking at Bobo with all the mistrust he’s sure is deserving and more. “No, Waverly,” he answers, “Just talkin’. ‘S nothin’ to worry about.” 

“Are you sure because I can call Wynonna…” 

“No,” he says firmly, “Bobo Del Rey is here at my behest so there is no need to involve Wynonna in what is a friendly conversation.”

“If you’re sure?” 

“I am. No need to fret, darlin’. I have this.” The bemused snort has him giving the Revenant a look before stating, “Do not make me change my mind.” 

Bobo’s response is to reach for his ignored drink and down it. Doc huffs at him. “Really?” 

“You weren’t drinking it.” 

“I might have.” 

“I doubt it.” 

“You owe me a drink still.”

“Sure, when you’re actually going to drink it and not stare at it like you don’t know what on earth it is. Which is exactly what you were doing before I called no doubt.” 

“Considering how things went down ‘tween us before I do not think you are at all surprised at that.” 

Bobo grins and snaps his teeth at him. “I do like to keep you guessing, Henry. One of the perks of things is that you get flustered and it’s a fantastic sight.”

“I do not…” 

“You do,” comes the interruption as the other leans into his space, lips curved in that familiar cocky, and strangely enticing, grin, “and honestly, I like having that effect on you.”

Somehow, Doc is pretty sure he does, too. But he decides that’s a matter for another time as he rises. “Walk with me,” comes his curt command to the other that he hopes will be adhered to and is pleased when he ends up with the other outside the building. 

“Since when do you…” Not letting the Revenant get whatever he means to say out, Doc jerks him into his space and presses a kiss to his mouth tasting him and the drink he’d stolen. It’s hard and hungry and leaves him feeling slightly drunk when he breaks it watching the other’s eyes go stormy. “Careful what you start, gunslinger,” comes the low rumbled warning, “You know what you’re tempting here.” 

“Maybe that’s half the fun; the danger of it all,” he murmurs with a husky tone, “because you are surely the most dangerously enticing individual in all of Purgatory, Bobo Del Rey.” 

“Flattery usually gets you everywhere but I think I just want you back at my trailer and in my bed naked again. This time without you being overly tired. At least not from lack of sleep.”

“Suppose that can be arranged. You driving?” 

At that the Revenant gives a grin and a familiar snap of his teeth. “Control is very much my thing.” 

Doc can only laugh before he walks for the other’s truck.

[fal-carrington]

If I’m not the one who is going to make you happy? Pt.4

Pairing: Kamilah x Mc x Priya

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3

Disclaimer: All the characters belongs to PB

Prompt: “I could not understand the reason for the sudden interest in me. Priya was from afar the most hedonistic person I had ever met. She awaken a wild side in me, a side that yearned for parties, uncomplicated sex nights, drinks, just fun. Something crazy drew me towards her, just the fact that she could kill me at any second just makes me wonder if I lost my mind.

Kamilah was different. Gorgeous, older. Always serious, cold. Almost untouchable. Just focused on work most of the time, I did not know if she hated me or if she just tolerates my presence because of Adrian. With Kamilah, I never knew if what I was doing was enough, she saw me as irresponsible and troublemaker kid, but I confess that it was that perfect smile of hers who made my heart beat faster. Part of me longed for her approval. And in the middle of all this, I was trapped between these two gorgeous and powerful women.”

Hayley’s pov

It was about one o'clock in the morning when Priya rolled to the side, coming out from me and lying beside me, with a satisfied smile spread on her perfect lips, her dark eyes had an inexplicable, inviting, but also dangerous shine. I already knew that look, it was that satisfied, pleasurable look, the look she always had when she got something she wanted. And with Priya, she always got what she wanted. I ran my hand through my hair and settled into her king size bed, pulling the red sheet closer to my body. I could hear perfectly the loud thumps of the music coming from the dance floor across the wall from the red room.

Adrian had send me to do some street work for him, which included taking some papers to Kamilah, and I had taken that moment to stop at the Priya club to say hello. It had not occurred to me that I would spend more time there than imagined.

My body was covered with sweat, well, we were in the red room hours, I could already expect exhaustion to take care of me, but she was relentless, I felt her big red nails running through my body again.

"...You're insatiable, huh?" I said with a affectionate laugh.

"You can not blame me for not wanting to take my eyes off my muse's body," she said softly, purring in my ear. Listening to her talking like that, it almost made look like we were really a couple. I turned my face, having direct contact with that perfect face of hers, Priya approached enough for her lips to touch mine in a mere kiss, a touch of lips. Her hands came to rest on my jaw, where she turned my face, as her kisses became more urgent, until her lips stopped on my neck.

It was only a matter of seconds before her fangs sank into my neck, and that painful, pleasurable sensation would come again. I bit my lip, in the middle of that ecstasy, it came to my mind that I really should go do my job, I had so many things to do, and here I was, killing time with Priya, and avoiding my obligations.

I reached my arm and unlocked my cell phone for the time, almost 1h15 in the morning. Fuck, fuck.

"Holy shit," I said sitting on the bed with the phone in my hands. "Adrian is going to kill me, I have to go." I looked around for my clothes that were lying on the bedroom rug.

"You do not have to go now, dear." I felt Priya's lips on my shoulders, her hands coming back to my waist, possessively. "This a lot more fun." She pulled a lock of my hair off my shoulders, lightly biting my ear, I felt a chill in my stomach.

"I know." I turned to her with a pout. "But he's my boss and he sent me some tasks that I'm not done yet." I turned to my clothes as I dressed them hastily.

"May I ask what they are?"

"Uh, deliver some reports to Kamilah, review some documents, that sort of thing." I shrugged finally finding my jacket.

"Of course, as always, Kamilah, ugh." I could hear the bitter tone on Priya's lips as she walked away to wear her black robe.

"Yes, she. You two do not seem very friendly to each other.” I watched her pouring wine in a glass.

"It's a long story from centuries ago. That dinosaur clearly does not know how to have fun.” Priya rolled her eyes, turning to me and leaning against her desk, with a catlike smile. "In all, you do not seem happy enough to go and see her," she said.

I sighed. Kamilah and I... I could never understand. I would never know if she hated me totally or if she was indifferent to my presence.

"That's not it," I said with my back to her as I tied the laces of my boot. "I just feel like she does not like me very much, and that's fine, I do not care." I lied, shrugging. I would never accept the fact that a part of me would always be seeking approval from Kamilah.

"Kamilah does not like anyone, do not take it personally, honestly I could not care less what she thinks of me, but... What's this?" Her voice brought me to her attention, I turned around and came upon Priya holding a social jacket in her hands.

Kamilah, social jacket.

I swallowed hard, looking at it. That jacket was tucked inside my purse, which I intended to give back to her. Priya stared at the material.

"That's... This from Lily's. She lent to me because it was cold,” I said, blatantly lying, to my surprise Priya gave a mischievous laugh.

"No offense, my love, but that Lily of yours does not have the slightest sense of style, and this... It's a Versace jacket. She could not afford it. What brings me to... I recognize that perfume very well. What are you doing with Kamilah's jacket?” She asked with her hands on her hips.

"Uh, that night of my birthday... I can not remember everything that happened, but Lily told me she took me home, and let me use it because I was cold. I thought it was nice of her... Then as Adrian asked me to deliver the reports to her, I would return to her." As I admitted the truth, Priya's smile grew more and more.

"So, Kamilah really drove you home that night, I see," she said thoughtfully. "So you slept with her."

"What?" I stood up laughing at her words. "No, God, no. When I woke up in the morning she was gone. She just left me at home.” Priya approached me, watching me with those dark eyes, like two stars in the night.

"You're a bad liar, my dear." Priya said touching my chin with her index finger.

"I'm not lying."

"Every time I mention Kamilah, your cheeks turn pink, when you're near her, you're so shy that it's impossible not to see. I notice everything."

"She's not that bad, she's been through a lot, and—"

"I knew it. You slept with her, did not you?” Priya gave a wicked laugh. My cheeks grew rosier still. "I believe your silence expresses the agreement in that fact, right? And I assume it was not just once,” I sighed.

"It meant nothing."

"For you, yes. And, of course, being that old cold mummy she is, she paid no more attention to you, hurt you, huh?"

"It will not happen again, Priya. It was a mistake that I do not intend to repeat."

"I do not care what happened." She brought her face close enough to mine until I could taste the blood mixed with wine in her breath as she grabbed my cheeks. "You're mine now, mine to do as I please, I'll make sure of that, tell Kamilah she'll never have the pleasure of having you again, tell that dinosaur, you belong to Priya Lacroix, and she will never touch you again.”

2h00am, Ahmanet Financial

It was almost two in the morning when I arrived at Ahmanet Financial, when I said my name in the black lobby and what I was doing there, it was in a matter of seconds for me to be met by an elegant brunette woman, coming out of an elevator and going to me with a cold look.

"You must be Hayley, right?" She looked me up and down.

"Yes, it's me," I said with the documents in my hands.

"You’re late, Mrs Sayeed has been waiting for you for for two hours, lucky for you that today she had a canceled meeting and she's got an hour to spare. She hates delays.” She said following in front of me and entering the elevator, I hurried to accompany her.

"I am really sorry. Something unexpected happened in the middle of the road. Usually I have the habit of being punctual."

"Oh, really?" She looked at me scornfully as we climbed the black elevator.

I kept silent, nervous waiting for my fate to finally arrive. What would I tell Kamilah? I'm sorry, I'm late I was with Priya in the Crimson Veil, and in fact she made great threats tonight. Oh, fuck. Where had I gotten myself?

As the elevator doors opened, Kamilah's assistant stepped out in front of me, her heels slamming against the floor.

"Wait here, I'll announce your arrival and see if she's available to meet you." I bit my lip and approached one of the windows a few feet down the hall that led to Kamilah's office. I asked what it was like to work every day with a view as beautiful as this one coming from her own office.

Should I even pay attention to Priya's words? She was hardly serious about something, and why did she want me so badly? God, who am I trying to fool? We would not last a month, and if that were the case, she would kill me anyway. Since when Priya has become so possessive?

"Mrs Sayeed is waiting for you." I could barely hear when Kamilah's assistant had returned.

"Thank you." I nodded and walked past her, glimpsing the two wooden doors of that office I knew perfectly. It was so large, elegantly decorated.

When I entered, she was sitting powerfully in her big black chair behind her desk, writing on a pile of papers, if I could guess, I would say she was just giving her signature, something about Kamilah I came to discover, she has a beautiful handwriting.

I could spend hours there watching her, I would never tire. Kamilah was absolutely beautiful, her jacket was hanging in her chair, she wore a navy blue shirt with a few buttons open, exposing her gold medallion around her neck, her dark makeup and hair always perfect contrasting her beautiful features. She was the definition of perfection.

"Hey," I said leaning against the door. She looked up and saw me.

"Hayley. Finally.” She went back to what she was doing, I closed the door behind me. "May I ask why you made me wait so long? Patience is something I've been missing these days."

"I'm so sorry. I had some... Complications on the way,” I said, approaching her table.

"I see." Kamilah replied coldly with her eyes on her contracts.

"I believe it belongs to you. Adrian asked me to tell you that there are a few pages that are missing for you take a look at.” I extended to her.

"I'll go look eventually," she replied. I moistened my lips looking at her, hoping she would say something more, but she did not say. I stayed a few seconds like this, until I remembered her jacket with me.

"Oh, I have to give it back too." I showed her the jacket, her eyes glittering with recognition, she reached out and her hand touched mine by accident, I could not help feeling that energy, that magnet that it ran through my body to the contact of our skins together. I shuddered away, Kamilah narrowed her eyes. "Uh... Thanks for what you did. For that night of my birthday. I hope I did not embarrass myself too much,” I said, feeling my face burn.

"Just a little, nothing out of the ordinary," she said and I blushed even more.

"I'll remember that." I retreated a few steps from her desk and walked to the door until Kamilah's voice caught my attention.

"Next time try not to be late," she said coolly and calmly. I sighed and turned, the expression on my face should show irritation, which actually was not very smart for a 22 year old girl to look at a 2063 year old vampire.

"I've already apologized," I said impatiently. When I got here, she barely looked at me or gave me attention. She just picked up the papers as if they were anyone handing over to her. Kamilah looked up and finally looked at me with some kind of interest. Her beautiful brown eyes looked directly at me, as if she could read all my emotions. She stood up and walked silently to the other side of the office to get a drink for herself.

"Yeah, I've heard," she replied putting ice in her whiskey glass. "Sometimes I think you do not take your job too seriously. Today, however, I have the conclusion."

"Excuse? I take my job seriously." I touched my own chest. Kamilah raised her eyebrows as if she doubted my own judgment. To my surprise she came walking towards me with slow, contemplative steps.

"So Priya had nothing to do with your delay?" She said taking me completely off guard.

"No!" I stammered and Kamilah tilted her head to one side, appraising me. "I mean, it's none of your business, Kamilah."

She finally stopped, right in front of me. I was looking at that tall, gorgeous woman who was looking at me cynically.

"You are lying. You were with Priya, were not you?” She said as if reading my mind. Before I could respond, she took a lock of my hair off my shoulder, and her eyes located a hickey mark on my neck, left by Priya. Kamilah's eyes flashed dangerously, a chill rose up my spine. "... And with her you were, indeed," she stated.

"I do not know why you care so much." I took her hand from my hair and pulled away from her. Kamilah kept looking at me with interest.

"I do not care," she replied, and it was like I was punched in the stomach. "But you can imagine what Adrian will do for you if Priya ends up killing you, do not you?"

I sighed. Sure, Adrian. Always Adrian.

"I should have seen this before. Of course. You're worried about Adrian. Not with me.” I crossed my arms, Kamilah's eyes did not show any kind of emotion.

"And I thought Lily was the only one who needed to mature." She said in response, I opened my mouth in protest, discredited. "You're playing with fire, Hayley. What do you think you're doing? That you’re experiencing some kind of romance with Priya? And with you, she will finally mature and become faithful, all of a sudden? And you have no chance not to get killed in this process?"

"If I end up dead, it will not be your problem," I said angrily, feeling that feeling grow in my chest. She was completely unbelievable. "Priya was right, you're a freezer of emotions! You do not care about me, you can not do this!” I yelled at her, I did not care if we were in her company, I did not care if she was a vampire that could break my neck at any time, I was just so angry. "You can not lecture me about being irresponsible and think you can guess what I do in my life when you do not care!" Kamilah turned her face away from me for the first time, closing her perfect jaw, biting her lips.

"When are you going to learn?" Kamilah said between her teeth impatiently.

"No, you're not going to do that!" I pointed a finger to her. "You will not meddle in my life, not after you do not give a damn about me after that night in your office."

"Oh, now let's talk about this?" Her pretty face twitched in a grimace.

"Yes, we'll talk about it!"

"Priya is using you, and when she gets tired of you, she'll dismiss you as if you were nothing," she said with her cold face toward me.

"Which is funny, it sounds like someone I know." I gave her a glance, Kamilah gave a cold, humorless laugh.

"You do not know anything mortal," she snapped.

"And you know ?!" I yelled.

"I'm not going to do this, I have work to do." She turned her back on me, wanting to go back to her desk.

"Do this, turn your back on me AGAIN!" I raised my voice and Kamilah stopped, turning her face with an angry look. "You can not do this, Kamilah." I shook my head angrily.

"Do what ?!" She yelled back. "Tell the truth? Trying to bring you to reality? I'm the only one who's being rational here, and you do not listen to me. You never listen to the voice of reason. You just do what you want, act like you're a kid playing in the playground with your toys, this is real life here, Hayley. And you're going to end up dead, being the only one who could be guilty for bringing it to herself.”

"You blame my relationship with Priya so much, but you're as wrong as I am, Kamilah. You can not do this, you can not sleep with me twice, say all those things to me and then act like nothing ever happened!” I shouted approaching her and placing my finger on her chest. "You can not tell me that I'm beautiful, that you want me and that I'm the one you've searched all your life and then turn your back on me!" I thrashed her, Kamilah remained standing letting me do that, until she tired and gripped my wrists with ease. "Let go of me, Kamilah!" I tried to get out of her grip, she brought her face close to mine, getting dangerously close, her brown eyes replaced by red.

"Don’t ever compare me to Priya, mortal.” She said between her teeth, I stared at her angrily.

“I just... Oh, god, I hate you!” I said breathlessly. Kamilah's expression change, that cold look disappeared, giving way to a look of... Hurt? Suddenly the brown eyes were back, so transparent that I swore I could see her emotions for the first of the night, the tightness in my wrists weakened, she stepped back a few steps, her eyes still locked on my face. I touched my wrists, massaging where her hands were before.

She touched her own hair, as if she was in a internal conflict to herself and with me.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you." Her voice was a mere whisper.

"Whatever." I shook my head, grabbing my coat and walking out of it so fast I could barely see the look of pain on her face.