#now you all understand why I can’t post any written works because I am too indecisive

[masqueradereveler21]

Welp I’m bored and I wanna post something so here’s my contribution for the day:

This is actually the earliest version of Gwendolen I ever created; originally her name was Dalia Atherton and she was a Gryffindor. Her background was generally the same; orphaned, no memories, except this version was from London and raised in a standard orphanage, not a convent like Gwen was. Having her in Gryffindor also meant that she was exceptionally closer to Garreth and Natty in general, and was a member of the Gryffindor Quidditch team as a Seeker. I also liked having her in the same house as Professor Weasley as it gave them something to bond over. This character, unlike Gwen, was not in a love triangle and instead was in a relationship with Ominis Gaunt; her relationship with Sebastian was more of a brother-sister dynamic, as she reminded him a lot of Anne. Her dynamic with Imelda Reyes was also very different; they had the more traditional Slytherin-Gryffindor rivalry and despised each other immensely.

I ended up changing this as I wanted to focus on the dynamic between Sebastian, Ominis, and a female Slytherin character….but I lowkey miss this girl and wonder if I should rework her story and start from the ground up with her 😫😫 also just wanted an excuse to post these commissions done for me by @whoisflattery !!!! Their work is incredible and I highly suggest reaching out to them for commissions!

[jrow]

May Prompts (8)

Day 7 here. Day 9 here.

Hobby

Reading the faces in a crowd has long been a hobby that centres him.

Strangers who will never know he was there.

There is no risk of derision and pity as long as he doesn’t say any of his deductions out loud. But it’s too tempting when he’s reading family, colleagues, acquaintances. In those cases, he never can seem to keep his mouth shut. His naive excitement at figuring something out overpowers his good sense. Every time.

So, from the time he was a young child, he’s learned he is safest when reading the masses at a distance. No risk of ruining everything. Sure, he never finds out if his deductions are right, but that’s not the point.

For a time, this hobby was the only way to centre himself that didn’t involve illicit substances. He remembers spending hours sitting in town squares during the time after The Fall just reading the faces of everyone that walked by. It was essential for his survival.

Now, things are different. John centres him. Rosie too. Even when the former is angry and the latter a menace. They have become as essential as the air that he breathes.

He supposes this is what love feels like.

But, he still heads to Trafalgar Square sometimes, just to watch the crowd. Identify the tourists, the locals, the petty criminals, and the honest people. He still rides the tube a few extra stops because he’s immersed in reading the masses around him. It is still soothing.

It is not soothing today.

Thirty minute ago be received a call—not text—from Mycroft while walking towards Putney Bridge station, having just dropped off Rosie. His brother wasted no time (thank god) in explaining that John was unharmed, but a man had been caught sneaking into his room. A man wanted by police on a whole range of charges. A man who was carrying enough morphine to kill several people.

A man who somehow slipped away (the incompetence).

It was lucky that they caught him at all. John’s nurse (perhaps the only competent person involved) clocked him as suspicious and kept a close eye, eventually spotting the vials. But if she hadn’t been working at the desk when the man came in ….

Sherlock should have been there. Should have been faster with Rosie. Dropped her off early.

But he didn’t, so now he is walking quickly through the tube station outside the hospital deducing everything he can about the people around him. But it’s not soothing because he needs answers and these people aren’t providing them.

He can’t fathom why anyone would attack John. He should know, though. It’s his job. What is he missing?

He needs to understand, needs to fix this. Needs to prove he’s worth keeping around.

Needs to know John is safe.

Apologies for any errors today, friends. This entry was written and posted entirely on transit on mobile.

Thank you all for the kind words! I assure you I have no idea what's going to happen before reading the prompt each day. I am having fun making it up as I go :).

[moment0moriss]

Ok, so I’m seeing a lot of people making posts about why Vil is a complex character and they don’t understand the hate he gets, so

I’m going to make a post as to why I can’t like Vil.

I want to make this clear before I begin. I do not hate or dislike Vil, actually I appreciate how complex he is as a character, it’s just that I can’t like him.

And the reason is his relationship with Epel.

I’m going to start this off by saying I’m genderqueer (They/Them) and that I’m aware Vil isn’t transphobic but honestly some of his and Epel’s interactions just remind me too much of it, if that makes sense.

Why? You may ask, well:

He forces Epel to wear make up when Epel makes it clear he doesn’t like it.

He forces Epel to wear feminine clothes when Epel makes it clear he doesn’t like it.

He forces Epel to act in a traditionally feminine manner when Epel makes it clear he doesn’t like it.

All of this just reminds me way too much of a transphobic parent trying to force their kid into the role of their assigned sex.

And like,

I’m aware it has more to do with the way Twisted Wonderland was written, but it’s just something that eats away at me when I think of Vil. I am never going to be able to see it as anything else no matter how much I try.

And I know Epel has some issues with toxic masculinity. I know all too well, because they are almost the exact same things I did before I realized and came out as genderqueer.

I used to dress traditionally masculine, did the “tough” voice and speech, I used to wear sports bras just a bit too tight to make myself look flatter (practice safe binding kids), I used to hate on traditional femininity, and so much more and it reminds me a lot of Epel.

I dont headcanon Epel as FTM (I actually kind of dislike it but I feel like that’s a post for another day.) but his struggles are very similar to trans struggles and Vil acts in a very similar manner to transphobic parents.

(Also if you headcanon Epel as FTM, I don’t dislike you, because I understand that there’s not a lot of trans representation and a good portion of this post is about how Epel is trans coded.)

For me to like Vil I need just some sort of acknowledgment from the narrative that Vil is wrong for forcing Epel to play a role he doesn’t want, because right now it feels like the story is saying he’s right and it makes me like him even less. It makes me feel like they’re saying that Epel’s gender dysphoria will go away with time as he accepts his feminine appearance and, from my personal experience, that’s not really how it works????

If I’m wrong please let me know. But like, when I’m dressed femme and my gender is more masc that day, no matter how comfortable I would be in that outfit if my gender was femme, I feel dysphoric.

Also before anyone says “but you think Epel is cisgendered! How can he experience gender dysphoria???”

So, anyway, that’s why, for the moment, I can not like Vil.

Also, please, do not use this to spread any hate about Vil Shoenheit. Like I said, I don’t hate his character, I just really dislike how this part of the story is being handled. I should also mention I haven’t read Chapter 6 yet, so I don’t actually know if this issue is properly being dealt with there. I will reboot this when I have read it and say whether I have changed my mind or not. Thank you.

[winterrrnight]

rant + potential renewal of new beginnings

hello <3 so, something has been bothering me a bit for the past few days now, and I need to let it out. (more below the cut!)

I have seen people express their concern here regarding Rafe being written “wrong”, that is when he’s way too much of a softie, a romantic, etc etc. That really struck a chord in me because if you’ve read any of my content, you’d know I write a lot of soft!rafe/fanon!rafe. And even though no one has ever said to me directly that I’m writing Rafe “wrong”; when I read the post, it really hit me for some reason.

I totally understand if that isn’t your cup of tea. That’s okay. I wholeheartedly agree with the fact that I do write Rafe very differently from how he is shown canonically. But, I unfortunately don’t have an explanation as to why I do it (and now that I think about it, I don’t essentially owe one either). To add, there are so many authors for Rafe on here, so you can engage with all sorts of Rafe content; fluff, smut, dark!rafe, etc etc. I don’t read or write dark, nsfw content because it’s just not me.

I’ve been writing for months now, and never did I ever stop and question my writing the way I’m doing right now. Which leads me to really doubt everything I’ve ever written – even though the said post was never ever directed to me, it was a public announcement, it still felt like such a personal jab. (I am not even mutuals with the one who made this post, so honestly I don’t even know why it is affecting me so much).

I guess this is why my requests plus really old 300 followers celly requests are piling up, and I’m really really sorry for that. It’s a weird slump I’ve hit, and honestly I am not able to make my way out of it.

I was attempting to work on future chapters for New Beginnings, but failed miserably because I realized how fanon that Rafe is. And even though I have had so much love on New Beginnings so far (which I so so highly appreciate), it just isn’t sitting right with me right now, and I can’t find myself with any motivation to work on it. I also fear that the more the story ascends, I will lose engagement.

So, at the moment, I am not taking the story down or anything!! It is right there, but here is what can potentially happen:

-> I may never resume it, and have its three chapters up on my blog just like that.

-> I may take it down, renew it, and post a better version of it, one that suffices me.

-> I take it down (which, let me add, has minimal to no chance of happening because I don’t want to make any spur of the moment decisions).

The trope of the story has my whole heart, I just think I can take a better approach. So the chances of the second one happening are really high at the moment.

Thank you so much for reading, thank you so much for understanding <3 writing means the whole world to me so I wish for nothing but to escape this horrible slump :(

I hope you all are doing okay, please keep on taking care of yourself, drink water, eat some food, and just enjoy living 🤍🎀

Signal boost to spread within my moots (who are the literal reason I live and breathe 🥹 + people who have been so supportive of new beginnings it is crazyyyy): @runningfrom2am @maybankslover @totalswag @chenslucy @wallsdreams @sadfury @thatsthewaythechrissycrumbles @rafeinterlude @congratsloserr @bejeweledreverie @tortured-poets-depxrtment

(no pressure to interact!)

[kamsspice]

Long post

10 Minutes - a bokuaka ficlet written by me, cross posted on ao3.

It amazes Akaashi how easily a good day can be undone in ten minutes.

He had been in his element this morning; he rose before the sun, attended a few meetings online and even had breakfast before it broke noon. Sipping his cup of tea, he had scanned him small flat and decided it was about time to stop living in piles of clothes and crack on with the pending chores. Yes, he would sweep his floor (the dust bunnies certainly weren’t paying his rent) and finally put away his laundry. And later that evening, he could call Bokuto, maybe even while he cooked dinner and perhaps live in his fantasy of them being a working couple.

It was a good plan. Solid, even.

At 12PM, Akaashi had been so pleased with himself that at 21, a final year literature student, he is finally feeling like a functional adult. He was so pleased that he felt compelled to call his mom. It was an urge. On the days he bothered to check his phone, a message of sorts would be waiting for him. A sweet Just thinking of you or hope you’re well. Of course he would always reply, because despite everything, she’s his mother.

The trill of the phone had rang in Akaashi’s ears. He was smiling as he waited, eyes cast not on the mountain of clothes on his bed but out the window on the cool grey skies of the city. His mother answered, with her sweet voice. They were on the phone for sixty minutes and the first fifty of them went smoothly. “Oh, I heard that part of Tokyo is lovely this time of year.” “Yes, Mom, I am eating well, no you don’t need to send me food.” She spoke to him in earnest as any mother would and Akaashi was receptive of it all.

Then, the last ten minutes happened.

He shouldn’t have brought up Bokuto. Part of him knew not to but another, younger part of him hoped that she wouldn’t care. Because for all of his best friend’s achievements and successes, she does not like the nature of the feelings Akaashi holds for him.

Those ten minutes go as he should have known it would. She’d rant about how wrong it is, how it’s a choice he’s making, how she doesn’t understand him. He’s tried explaining it rationally, but he’s seven years into this specific conversation topic that it feels like a waste of time. So he listens to how she fails to understand him.

Ten minutes of those walls Akaashi tried to tear down being built up again by her, brick by brick with each word she utters. But maybe he’s being irrational. Perhaps he didn’t explain it well enough.

But how long must he feel like he’s being tried for something that isn’t a crime?

She told him she doesn’t understand him. He tells her he needs to get on with his house chores. She tells him “I love you, dear” and he tells her goodbye. Akaashi knows she loves him and he knows he loves her too. Yet, when she meets him with her unwillingness to listen, a disgusting unease churns in his stomach. Why is it so difficult?

Now, it’s 1PM. They just ended their call, and Akaashi knows he has chores to do. But the mountain of clothes suddenly feel too large and the floors seem too wide and he no longer has an appetite. He sits by his cluttered desk. Akaashi’s chest and head are suddenly too heavy to lift. With elbows dug into the litter of paper, he lays his face in his palms and heaves deeply.

Now, it’s 4PM. The winter bids the sun an early goodbye all the while, the last ten minutes of their phone conversation played back on a loop in Akaashi’s head. He tries to analyse his words, tries to understand where he went wrong. The only conclusion he draws is that he was wrong to try and share his joy with her. That realisation weighs his head and heart heavier.

He wonders, as the night inches closer, if he had any siblings, would they be the same? Is there anyone in his family he could feel safe being himself to? If this is how is mother is, he can’t be so sure of his other relatives. He wonders why he feels so paralysed by something that isn’t a surprise to him and why his disappointment feels as fresh as it does seven years ago. Akaashi lives alone and the apartment now feels colder and quieter.

Akaashi could wonder until night turns day why she thinks the way she does but that would be putting more effort than she ever would for him. He could write a PhD thesis about his feelings for another man and defend it in front of her, but why should he? Surely it’s enough that he feels happy.

Well, he doesn’t feel happy now and the responsible party for that isn’t Bokuto.

Akaashi glances at the digital clock partly buried in paperwork on his desk. 16:28. He then turns his head to his bed and the mountain of clothes hasn’t disappeared.

“For fuck’s sake,” he mutters under his breath. Deciding that moping wouldn’t be conducive of a productive day, he stands up. The heaviness follows, but he does what he set out to do even if it’s slower than he’d like.

Akaashi sweeps the floor, puts away his laundry and organises the mess of clothes, but stops short when he walks up to his cooker. His appetite has not reappeared. Those ten minutes drained him more than he anticipated. He had looked forward to calling Bokuto as he cooked, but now as he thinks of hearing Bokuto’s boisterous voice on the other end of the line, Akaashi cannot help but also think of those ten minutes. And he does not want to sound passive to Bokuto nor does he want to lie about how his shitty day has been.

It’s 6PM. Well, not everything works out how you wish, Akaashi resigns. He spares one more look at his cooker, bidding goodbye to his night of fantasy, before charting a direct course to his bed.

Then, his doorbell buzzes. He wonders who the hell could have the nerve to ring his door at this time of night, considers staying in bed but no, the ringing is incessant and now Akaashi is royally peeved.

He mutters all sorts of unpleasantries on the trip to the door, cursing up, down, left and right in his head.

“Hello?” Akaashi politely says into the receiver.

“Hey, hey, hey!” says a boisterous voice back.

Akaashi doesn’t waste a second to buzz in, open his apartment door, jog out of his flat and launch his head over the shared landing bannister to find Bokuto charging up the stairs, bag slung on his shoulder and a bright smile on his face. Akaashi’s heart melts at the sight.

Once back in his apartment, words spill out of Akaashi’s mouth like a fountain. How the hell? When the hell? Why--

“I really needed to see you, is all,” Bokuto says. He dumps his bag on the floor flops onto Akaashi’s sofa, leaving Akaashi alone standing in his disbelief. “And I knew you didn’t have much on this Friday so thought, fuck it, let’s have a sleepover.”

“Bokuto-san, you ought to call people before inviting yourself over for a weekend. What if soemthing last minute came up?” Akaashi chides, though he doesn’t mean it.

“Nothing did, did it?” Bokuto points a finger and quirks his bushy brows, smug pride painted on his face. “Besides, it didn’t sound like you were getting out much. I told you, you should live with other people Akaashi. I know you’re an only child and all, but it’s not all that bad. You won’t go crazy from hearing your own voice all the time.”

Akaashi chuckles, taking a seat on the arm of the sofa by Bokuto’s feet. “I’m used to it.”

“Oh, man, when I first moved in to my own place, it was rough. My sisters didn’t think I could last a month but I barely lasted a week!” Bokuto launches into his anecdote about his first week in his first apartment. How he had to learn actually understand his tenancy agreement, how to use a washing machine and more importantly how to cook. Akaashi chimes in, reminding Bokuto about how it was pretty embarrassing that a grown man like him didn’t know how to meal prep.

“And yet,” Bokuto says, “you still cook for me.”

“For why? I don’t know.”

“Speaking of which.” Bokuto rises, springing over to the fridge. He opens it wide with a smile on his face which soon fades when he sees how bare the fridge is. No food, just nearly out of date broccoli, a few eggs and a half-eaten courgette. “It’s embarrassing that a grown man doesn’t know how to meal prep, huh, Akaashi?” He shoots Akaashi another smug, teasing glare and Akaashi flips him off.

“I wanted to cook today but I got swamped with other stuff,” Akaashi says easily because it’s the truth. He doesn’t say how he wanted to call Bokuto.

“No problem,” says Bokuto, “we can just make something now!”

Bokuto gathers the left over ingredients and starts work. Akaashi watches him and that unease that had been stirring in his gut eases away bit by bit. He marvels at how easy it is to love Bokuto. He doesn’t have to carefully construct his sentences. Everything is straightforward.

And Akaashi wonders again, if being around this man makes him feel this at ease, what is wrong about it? Can loving his own mother be this straightforward? Is everyone’s relationship with their parents equally as taut as it is loose. Is the road to the fact of yes, I love her with all my heart as convoluted for him as it is for everyone else? And if it is, why is it him that must walk that path? Why must he go through all the peaks and troughs to arrive at that conclusion?

Dinner is soon made and because he’s feeling bold, Akaashi gives them permission to eat on his bed. He warns Bokuto to not get used to it lest he forget the last time they did this (the oil stains still won’t come off his mattress). Bokuto fills the silent air with his voice. The flat doesn’t feel as small as it did.

Akaashi breathes out deeply. Bokuto’s attention turns away from the food and to him, golden eyes curious and silently asking.

“I’m good,” Akaashi answers. “I’m just really happy to see you.”

[dizzydennis]

I need to get this off my chest.

I’ve been vocal about the IDW/Ian Flynn haters in the past. In fact, they’re the entire reason why I mostly left this platform. But it never ends. Whether it’s on tumblr or twitter or even in twitch chats, it never ends!

Don’t you get tired? Just go somewhere else? Just ignore the comics. The argument always comes up of “We can’t ignore it, they’ll ruining Sonic.” You can. You absolutely can!

I very much hate the Animal Crossing series now despite having liked it in the past. You don’t see me constantly writing essays about how bad it is. You don’t see me hating on every bit of news that comes out with it.

Comic books are a monthly narrative. They’re a medium very different from video games. I understand that people want Sonic to be a particular way. I do too, if I’m being honest. But I’m also aware that it’s a different interpretation as has been Archie Sonic, Movie Sonic, Fleetway Sonic, X Sonic, Underground Sonic, and so on. Sonic always changes based on the medium and interpretation. Heck, he changes between games. Sonic being “chatty” in the comics is a different interpretation and part of the entire medium of comic books. It’s how reading works.

I’m not going to claim that IDW or Ian Flynn are perfect. Is Sonic too morally righteous in the comics? Yes. Is Shadow written as an edgelord and against his growth from the game canon? Yes. Does Eggman lacking any back-up plans seem idiotic? Yes. Have the stories gotten a bit too repetitive with them constantly going to the Eggperial City? Yes. Is this something worth exploding over every month? NO!

All media is going to have things that aren’t perfect. You’re allowed to dislike it, but where is the line drawn in how much you need to vent about it?

The reason I want to write this post is how the “opinions” against the comics and Flynn have gotten to this unavoidable, venomous point. I’ve seen haters say how they’re excited to see the IDW sales fall so the comics eventually get canceled. How they want to take this particular faction of the Sonic fandom and dissolve it. I ask this genuinely: What is wrong with you!? Just because you dislike a particular part of a series means you want it destroyed even for those who enjoy it? Grow up. It’s selfish, mean, and just not what fandom is supposed to be about. The insults, the name-calling, the mob mentality, and everything coming out of this negative side of the fandom is really, really gross.

I’ve seen many haters always say that there are IDW-lovers who have also bullied, name-called, and even sent death threats. Now, I have never seen these myself besides retaliating against the haters who go too far. But I have never ever seen death threats over this (it could have been to previous writers and I may be mistaken). Now, I am stating it right here that just because I didn’t see these posts doesn’t mean they don’t exist. If they do, I obviously do not condone that behavior. It is awful! But I also see the haters bringing up these examples to justify any action they take. I’ve lost track of how many times it’s been brought up. First off, you know (if the posts do exist) that it’s a couple of bad apples amongst plenty of normal fans. But it’s brought up so often that I wonder... is it still a legitimate justification for how you’re acting? Even if it was one bad post, how much mileage can you get out of that? Does it still legitimize how you’ve been currently talking about others? Does it make your bullying fair? Your words do hurt and they do get to the ears of those you’re talking about.

And about Ian Flynn. You all need to stop. No, Ian Flynn is not perfect. No, I don’t think his Bumblekast things help a lot; in fact, it muddies a lot of the waters. But it’s a stupid podcast on the side... just ignore it. You do that with what’s actually written in the comic already. However you feel about him, Ian Flynn has contributed a lot to Sonic through Archie, IDW, and the games.

But there’s such a hatred for anything Ian Flynn puts his name on. I have a former friend who hated Sonic Frontiers before it came out simply because Ian Flynn was attached to it. The moment they heard he was the head writer, they wrote the game off. I am 100% sure that no matter how Frontiers or the story within it turned out, they would have disliked it. Just because Ian Flynn was in the end credits. The insults thrown at Ian Flynn, the artists, and writers of the IDW comics are inexcusable. If he has two characters even share a panel, you call it shipbaiting. If two female characters have a fight, you claim it’s written by a sexist man. If a villain is killed off-screen or turns out to be alive, you complain. This last point is exactly how a monthly, serialized story works. I don’t know if you’re unfamiliar with comic books outside of Sonic, but this is how the medium just is. Said villain gets killed and you shout foul about how the one “queer” character was killed. How the writers are homophobic for “leading readers on” and then killing him. There have been racists posts about the fandom praising Flynn over Japanese writers. You make posts ranting and raving how Nite and Don being a gay couple is bad because they’re “nothing characters” and then you post about how Don abandoned Nite... despite the fact that literally ONE PAGE LATER, he comes back to essentially die with his boyfriend.

It makes me wonder if the haters actually READ the comics or if they scan, decide they don’t like something, and then get angry. Sonic is a comic series under mandates and rules, especially after everything that went down with Archie. No, I’m not saying these mandates are excuses for poor characterization or writing, but it does somewhat explain why certain characters are handled in certain ways. The IDW comic writers are people with the freedom to take the characters in certain directions. That’s all. They’re creators working hard.

The defenses you all set up to lean back on Pontac and Graff is also bewildering. Now, if you love the “Meta Era” of games then that’s totally fine. I honestly don’t care which games you like. But retroactively praising the writing of games like Sonic Lost World and Sonic Forces is odd. Yes, Pontac and Graff are human beings and don’t deserve the massive hate and mistreatment they’ve been dealt. But their work is rightfully criticized. We went through over a decade of poor writing and canon being completely screwed up. But some of you will defend them because Eggman said he’d strangle a zeti or that the way he said the sun would crush the heroes justified so much in Forces. Why are you willing to die on this hill? For four games? For four games that have objectively more lighthearted and cookie cutter plots?

I’m not perfect in this. For a while, when Sonic Forces came out. I would make post after post about it. After a couple of months, I realized that I simply hated the game and I was harming the experience of people who liked it. I made an apology and I stopped. I still hate Sonic Forces. It’s still my most hated Sonic game, but you don’t see me reacting to the Infinite mini figure getting announced by making weeks of posts saying how badly he was written.

Just get over it. Move on. Stop hating on the aspects of a thing you’re supposed to be a fan of. Aren’t you miserable? Sonic the Hedgehog has been such a positive influence on my life. Sonic has inspired me, gotten me through bad times, and has introduced me to some of the best people I have ever met.

Why stick around and constantly surround yourself with such negativity? Again, I don’t hang around Animal Crossing things anymore and I’m personally better off for it. You’re in a fandom, but are you even fans anymore? You’ll hate everything that comes out simply because a particular writer is attached or because you’ve decided the comics have betrayed your headcanons. It’s gotten to the point where the IDW Haters really have become a joke. People see what you’re saying and it’s affecting the perception of the fandom. Moreover, you’re actively ruining the experience for fans around you and are voicing that you hope it fails.

That’s not what being part of a fandom is about. I am so, so, so tired of seeing negativity about the comics and Ian Flynn. Again, honest opinions are fine and I want people to feel how they feel. Their feelings should be valid. But having your opinions and becoming toxic to the point that you’re notorious for it... is just too much.

I love Sonic as I am sure many other fans do. Hell, there’s definitely love for Sonic with the IDW-haters as well; you wouldn’t feel so passionately about the blue blur if you didn’t care. But just take some perspective and realize what this is doing.

I had a good friend once who I thought would be somebody I could always relate to for good and bad. This friend would get angry if I didn’t agree to certain comments about Dr. Eggman and would be upset if I didn’t reply in a certain way to certain posts. It was like walking on egg shells. It came to a point where I needed to separate myself from that person. They became constantly toxic about all things modern Sonic. It made me feel depressed and guilty just to enjoy the series that I love. Toxicity is something that just corrodes you to the pit of your soul if it goes too deep. I miss this friend, but I don’t think I can ever truly be friends with them that way again. It affects me so often to this day.

Please, feel how you feel about Sonic comics, movies, games, whatever. Just realize how much your distaste for something is affecting you, your friendships, and others. I can’t stand this kind of drama anymore. I just want to love Sonic and want people to love Sonic as well. That’s what fandom is supposed to be about.

[asteria-argo]

Tag Game

I was tagged by @abubblingcandle

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

13

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

213,258

3. What fandoms do you write for?

most frequently Ted Lasso, but I also write for Batman though I don’t post those fics very often and I have recently started writing for Outlander as well!

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

To All The Better Places

Counting Sheep

I can take care of myself (denial is all I have)

If I just keep saying I’m fine (maybe I’ll start to believe it)

Oh, The Horrors

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I used too! And then I started getting a lot more than normal and I got overwhelmed, panicked and stopped! I would like to start again but there’s like 200 unanswered comments in my inbox and it intimidates me! It will plague me for the rest of my life no doubt.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

none of them, I don’t write angst! I’d probably say Can’t You See (I’m where I’ve always wanted to be) if I had to pick one just because I left it a bit open ended. Or What If? only because it’s like,, an apocolypse au so there’s not really any room for a happy ending

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Oh, The Horrors OR All The Kings Horses, in the sense that the ending of those two made ME the happiest. My stories are all pretty equal in terms of happy endings otherwise.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Yeah! I actually get a decent amount of hate on my fics which is not something I was expecting. I got a hate comment in a bookmark once, which was so fucking funny I couldn’t even be upset they were dragging my fic like it was a bad goodreads review.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I do not! I’m aroace and also a virgin so I don’t know how it works. I’d like too, I want to write a platonic friends with benefits fic at some point but I don’t understand the logistics of sex to any degree and until I do I will not be writing any smut.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

No I don’t! Crossovers annoy me for reasons unknown to even myself. Unless the two shows or books or whatever are set in the same universe and have a logical reason to overlap I cannot get behind the idea of a crossover.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No, I’m not popular or prolific enough for that!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Also no!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, and I don’t think I ever would because I am a control freak with very specific ideas who does not work well in group settings. That was on my report card once.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Dickkory specifically from the marv wolfman new teen titans run.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

My DC universe rewrite that is ever evolving and constantly changing.

16. What are your writing strengths?

From what I’ve been told, characterization and dialogue.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I can’t write emotions to save my fucking life, I fall back into telling over showing every time because I just don’t get facial expressions and body language. I’m working on it though.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I can only speak english and the tiniest bit of Auslan, so if I can get away with not having someone speak another language I will, but if I can’t I will admit I usually try to find a “To English” dictionary and hope for the best.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Powerpuff girls or carebear bears when I was a tiny child who didn’t know what fanfiction was, and when I was writing for fandom with intention later on in my early teens, Batman.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

my favoruite fic I’ve ever written is not a published one, it’s my rewrite of the Death In The Family storyline in my DC rewrite universe. It’s my baby, I’ve revised it about 20 times since I first wrote it when I was 13, and I am in the process of revising it again right now. My favoruite published fic is probably Oh, The Horrors.

I'm going to tag the lovely lovely @jamtartandsunshine and also @jamiesfootball though I have no idea if they have been tagged yet or not.

[nakahras]

God. Your Chuuya fics are so good, I have to share with you my favorite lines of "Fireworks"

the port mafia executive is observing you. he watches as shadows of colors provided by the fireworks dance across your face, causing you to look 10x more strikingly beautiful than you already do. you’re quite literally the most stunning thing chuuya has ever laid his eyes on. he wants to tell you so. he wants to gush over how much he missed you. he wants to hold you. but he needs you to acknowledge him first and he knows you have an opinion about meursault that you deserve to voice. the problem lies in getting you to open yourself up. next to being the most stunning, you’re also the most stubborn person he has ever met. he has his work cut out for him. (this whole description is so well written, i love the way he thnks about reader)

and god how unfair. it’s so incredibly unfair how handsome he sincerely looks. his face isn’t covered by his hat and hair is tied by an ornamental string. the reds and greens and golds of his outfit really bring out the duel colors of his eyes. even frowning like he is, he is still a shining star in a sky full of clouds. (LOVE HETERCHROMIA CHUUYA BTW)

you let out an appalled scoff. “you thought of me? i find that hard to believe considering you made the decision to go along with dazai’s plan without warning. do you know how messed up i was? thinking you could be dead upon hearing you had been turned into a vampire. i thought i was never going to see you again because you didn’t tell me- i didn’t know. and then when you do return i don’t hear a single thing from you? not even a text saying ‘hey, shit is crazy at the port mafia but i will see you as soon as i can. just wanted to let you know i was safe.’ i would have been happy with that, chuuya.” (So well deserved ahahah)

you’re cut off again, this time by a sob that you can feel throughout your entire body. you choke again, feeling like you can’t breathe. your eyes unfocus, your hearing goes fuzzy and your limbs begin to feel numb and tingly. in your panicked haze you briefly note that you’re reaching out and latch onto some sort of soft material. the colors igniting the night sky become overwhelming so you squeeze your eyes shut. you wish you could drown out the booming noises created by the fireworks. it’s all too much, it’s been too much. your ears are ringing and your hands are trembling. the emotions swirling inside of you begging to be let out but you hold them in, not wanting chuuya to be affected. you’re nauseous, you feel as though you could throw up at any moment. (The way you write her emotions is just so >>> wow, it's so intense and vivid)

it’s absurd how calming just his presence is to you, even when you’re this irate with him. (love at its finest. i love love)

“my pretty doll, i can’t understand you when your face is covered like that. c’mere��” “now, what was it you were trying to say? i think i should be able to here you clearly this time.” (THE DIALOGUE, SO DREAMY)

it was only chuuya: chuuya’s velvety hair chuuya’s blazing warmth chuuya’s soft lips chuuya’s heavenly scent chuuya’s gentle touches chuuya. (GOD I LOVED THIS WHOLE SECTION. I DON'T KNOW WHY IT STRUCK SO HARD WITH ME BUT IT DID)

Anyway, I'm in love with the way you write Mister Nakahara Chuuya, if that wasn't clear

nonnie this is so sweet I’m actually crying :( tysm for reading my works and the kind words. i could kiss you you’re so sweet（>﹏<）i was so nervous posting for him for the first time i really am happy to hear that you and other enjoy the way i write him.

sending you all of the love and hugs and kisses i have to offer (o´〰`o)♡*✲ﾟ*｡

[queerfictionwriter]

Regarding Drama

To anyone who saw this post here and is curious about what's going on: yeah, me too.

I had a falling out with former friends and fanfic co-collaborators Bunnywest and DiscontentedWinter. And I didn't say anything anywhere public about that, because personal relationships are, to me, personal business. I simply went on my way, and left them be.

And now, almost a year since I've spoken to either of them, they're making public callouts with baseless accusations about my supposed toxic behaviour. The trouble with this is that I haven't done anything to warrant that claim, but it’s impossible to prove a negative--I can't show you screenshots of all the times I didn't send anon hate or harass an author, the times I stayed out of fandom drama and toxicity, the times I chose to block or not engage. All I can do is invite anyone who cares to look to go through my Tumblr Archive, which is publicly available, and see the record of my behaviour for yourselves. To consider what interactions I have had with you, and the nature thereof. I’m far from perfect, but am equally a far cry from “toxic”.

I can speak on the subject of the collab pieces, which is: as a co-creator, I have equal share of the copyright and intellectual property we created. My co-creators made the choice to delete those pieces without speaking to me first, despite the fact that I was contactable; I didn't consent to having my work deleted. The AO3 notification of the deletion included the hmtl of the works, and between that and the independent copies I kept--which I do with all my written works, as keeping backups is wise in the digital age--I was able to re-post them. And, as any student can tell you: you must cite ideas and information that are not your own, because plagiarism extends to ideas, too, which is why I named my co-creators. However, I was responsible for a large degree of the conceptual development of those stories, even if they were written in my co-creators' words. That means it's not as simple as slicing up who-wrote-what to determine ownership. We all co-own all of it. So if they had the right to delete those works without asking me, I have the right to re-post them without their permission, especially given that AO3 is intended to be an archive--a forever home for fanworks despite situations such as these.

I can also speak, at least somewhat, to the accusation of dogpiling, because as DiscontentedWinter herself is so very fond of saying to fandom antis and purity police: words have meanings. In this instance, to dogpile means "an outpouring of like-minded criticisms or retorts in response to something". Bunnywest published a book, and negative reviews are part of making any form of commercial art; it is plainly ridiculous to accuse me of dogpiling when a) I have not contributed a review, either positive OR negative (my name on Amazon matches the name in the header of my blog, and I invite you to check); b) I have not asked anyone to review her book; c) the number of unfavourable reviews on the book are in the single-digits, and the overall rating is 4.5 out of 5 stars; d) one of the unfavourable reviews was deleted after I, and the person who left it, were confronted by a friend of Bunnywest and pressured to remove it.

Two reviews--one, now--is not an outpouring. I did not participate. I am being inappropriately held responsible for the actions and opinions of others, despite complying with the request to ask one of the reviewers--a friend of mine--to take the review down, and the review being deleted as desired. I have made no attempt to contact either of them, slander them, or otherwise harass them. I’ve left them be. So I don’t understand what’s going on over on their end, but I’ve been over here, minding my own business. I would appreciate being extended the same courtesy.

[purplecobra52]

Lone Wolf Radio Rewrite

There was always something odd to me about Lone Wolf Radio.

On the surface, it’s nothing more than an abandoned trailer in the middle of the Mojave Wasteland. It’s full of broken audio equipment that must have been used to send out a pirate radio signal, and piles of empty whiskey bottles on the floor. There’s no valuable loot besides a Sunset Sarsaparilla star cap and a copy of The Wasteland Survival Guide. And of course there’s the graffiti. A painted warning, Keep Out, scrawled on the outside. And of course, a final, chilling sentence written on the inside wall: "Everyone is gone. I am all alone. Let it all end."

The location tells a chilling story: that of a conspiracy theorist who ran a pirate radio station, who became trapped once the bombs fell and spent his last days alone and hopeless. It’s such an interesting location that when I first stumbled across it while playing, I’d assumed that there would be something to do. A sidequest of some sort, a new character to interact with, a new game mechanic. Something, anything for the location.

But there isn’t. There is nothing more to Lone Wolf Radio than what you can find in the trailer, which is why it felt so odd. It feels incomplete. I felt like Lone Wolf Radio had a story to tell, and it just...didn’t happen in the game. And so, I started trying to understand why.

I should have just left it alone. It would be better if I had left it alone.

I made a post to a forum, asking if anyone else thought that the story of Lone Wolf Radio felt strangely incomplete, and soon enough, someone replied to it.

_mar7717: thats because it is. I worked on New Vegas and there was much more to the location.

Me: Seriously? What do you mean?

_mar7717: i was a programmer so i don’t know every detail, but ill tell you what I know. there was a major questline that surrounded Lone Wolf. i can’t say too much, but in short, if you turned on your radio at 2am in game, you would hear the broadcaster with some vaugly cultish ramblings and then he’d kill someone while live. Every week or so the whole process would repeat, and it would intensify if you ignored the broadcast to the point he would murder a child.

The claim sounded dubious. Fallout could be a pretty dark series, I knew that as well as anybody, but audible child murder was…something else. I sucked in a breath and wrote a reply.

Me: How far along was development before it was cut?

_mar7717: we were mostly finished but then we got a message from upstairs that they wanted the entire questline cut from the game for “undisclosed reasons”.

Me: Do you think there's any way to activate the quest now? I want to do that.

_mar7717: yeah actually i think a lot of the files are actually still there. i still have some of the code and i could send it to you to help since you seem so set on it. But are sure you want to do this? i remember that the story was really dark.

Me: It’s not like I have anything else better to do. Thanks.

Over the next few days, I searched the game for the missing files and managed to find every single one. The employee sent me the code, along with a few extra files, and I went about restoring the quest. (I had to look up a Youtube tutorial but managed it in the end.) Finally, when I was sure that everything was in order, I started a new save. As I watched the opening cutscene play out, I wondered what would come of this quest. I was a little nervous, but mostly excited to be the first to play it.

A few hours commenced and nothing happened. I was starting to worry that I had somehow messed something up, when suddenly, while I was wandering through the desert, New Vegas shining in the distance, Lone Wolf Radio came on. I immediately stopped whatever I was doing and focused on the broadcast.

A voice spoke. He sounded…strange. Demented. "All alone! I am the last true person alive! All around me the skies weep and the earth howls for blood. The very pits of the great below open for another offering. I hope this meager soul pleases you!"

All a sudden, I heard another voice, a man. He was scared.

"Lemme go! S-someone help!"

"You pathetic creature. You do not deserve to stand before the mother of the depths! Oh Earth! Take this flesh and enjoy its blood!"

"NO PLEASE DON'T-"

It sounded like a knife was really being worked into the man’s torso. He screamed desperately for a long second before he fell silent. As the brodcast ended, I just sat there, stunned. The whole thing sounded incredibly real. As I stared dumbly at the screen, I received a new questline.

THE LONE WOLF.

It took me a little while to make my way to the trailer. Long enough for another sacrifice, this time of a woman. She screamed for much longer than the man before she was silenced by the broadcaster. I squirmed in my seat as I listened to her cries. I wanted the quest to be over with as soon as possible.

Finally, I made it to the trailer. The first thing I noticed about the area was there was no music, but I just assumed it was because of a missing file. The other thing I noticed was the trailer had more graffiti on it. They looked much fresher than the previous two pieces. One of them read “Depths of the earth, steal our flesh”, and the other was two tally marks. I stared at them for a moment, and then made my way inside.

There was a raider NPC inside, which I assumed to be a placeholder. When he saw me, he ran towards me chanting something about the earth. I shot him like thirty times with my shotgun before he went down. At that moment, the questline registered as finished. I took a long kitchen knife off of his corpse, and then turned to see the corpses of the man and the woman.

There was something off about them. It wasn’t just that their faces were stretched in horror and that they were covered in stab wounds. It wasn’t just that some of their fingers were missing, and parts of their flesh were carved out. It was more than that, something deeper that was throwing me off. I studied them for a long time until I realized why. They didn’t look right. Their hair didn’t exist in the game. Their faces were highly detailed, straight out of the uncanny valley. Their clothes didn’t seem to fit within the fallout universe. The posing of their bodies seemed deliberate. I don’t know how else to explain it, but they looked wrong.

I had finished the quest, but according to the employee, it was also possible to listen to the murder of a child. I had a sense of morbid curiosity regarding that element of the quest. And so, I loaded an early save and tuned into the radio.

It was hard to listen to. Victim after victim was slaughtered for the world to hear, each execution more bone-chilling then the last. There was an elderly man who was beaten savagely, forced to scream until he was hoarse before he was finally killed. There was a teenage girl who called for mom as she was stabbed over and over. There was a young couple, slowly tortured and killed one after the other. There were so many different people, and each of them met a horrific end. I knew it had to be fake, but it was still terrible. No wonder it had been cut.

Then finally, when I thought it would go on forever, I heard a child’s voice. A little boy. He couldn’t have been older than six.

“Earth, take this last sacrifice,” the broadcaster said.

The child sounded scared. “Hello? I wanna go home.”

“It ends tonight! Everything! Ahahahahaha…”

“Please let me go home! PLEASE-”

STAB. “PLEASE!”

STAB. “PLEASE!”

STAB. “Please!”

STAB “P-Please!”

STAB “please…”

STAB.

I uninstalled the game after that. I wanted it off of my desktop. I never wanted to see Fallout: New Vegas on my computer ever again. It had to be some sort of sick joke. It just had to be.

Me: WHAT THE HELL

_mar7717: what?

ME: HOLY SHIT IT SOUNDED LIKE AN ACTUAL MURDER. IT SOUNDED LIKE A SNUFF FILM.

_mar7717: sounded? there was voice acting?

ME: YES! It was so fucking disturbing! What the hell was that?!

_mar7717: but that should be impossible. there shouldn’t be any.

Me: What?!

_mar7717: we never got to record diolouge for that quest. what did you hear?

[rarepairnation]

3, 4, 7, 9 for the fic writer asks :)

hi anna thank u c: this took way too long lol i just spent days agonizing over what excerpts to pick and how i wanted to analyze them and falling asleep over my laptop keyboard but here it is finally (questions from this ask meme)

3. What’s a fic idea that you have but haven’t written yet?

dude the multitudes i think i could spend the character limit of this post listing them. opening the entire separate notes app on my phone where i keep them all. highlight reel: pacific rim chosen-one-as-in-sacrificial-lamb raleigh & stacker pentecost (you and i are the only ones who ever ran solo combat that's why i brought you here is CRAZY); james bond m(allory) vs the portrait of m(ansfield) that is very much not present in the halls of mi6 (until it is); lotr faramir and pippin and the ghost of boromir and the debt pippin owes to gondor which is not the debt that denethor demands of him. there are also like way too many little nickjasper oneshots that are sitting around waiting to be written. a selection: jasper leaving messages on nick's phone when he thinks he's dead, putting photos up + building a home together, couch fic, sleepy leather jacket fic, nick sending jasper on his first mission since they got together, 4x nick sweeping jasper off his feet, ambient new years day fic, nick meeting jasper's plane in the hangar, can you tell i am just holding them in my hands so tenderly. these are all such nothing concepts and yet theyre everything to me...

4. Do you prefer writing multi-chapter or oneshot fanfictions?

the day i write a chaptered fic again is the day i am dead in the damn ground. jk but like its the 20k oneshot unlimited scene breaks life for me i am afraid. putting in chapters gives me hives what if i have to go back and change something...ending a chapter gives the adhd a convenient place to sit down and refuse to move...all that

7. What's a trope you love to write?

depends on how broadly we are defining trope. actually i decided that this question just says "theme" instead of trope bc it was the middle of the night and i wanted to talk about Themes And Motifs. like.......guilt complex. the intersection between duty and desire. two people that have never had the luxury building a soft place to land together (because love is a place you could live in). uhhh. subversion of dark/light dichotomies (quiet and comfort and whispered secrets in the night and clarity and endings and unforgiving harshness in the light of day). Water Metaphors. that thing where a character sees their love interest in formalwear (or tactical gear. bc of. well the spy fiction) for the first time. i could go on but ive bastardized the prompt for long enough lol

9. What’s your favorite line(s) or scene(s) that you have written?

sickos.jpg YES...YES!!! i love this one. i will try to refrain from going way overboard but also...no promises. gonna try to not do any of the ones i did for ao3 wrapped last year lol

"He wants to reach out, wants to touch, wants to find Gareth among the bones of M but he can’t. Not now."

the way i played with names and titles and forms of address in race for a hurricane (bond, the first mallorytanner i ever published) remains one of my most favourite things i've done with words ever in my life. like when i figured it out i was like oh. i Understand them now. there are at LEAST three layers of masks before you even start to get into real people down there. and here is a situation that strips them all away. like mallory has to accept the death of mi6 before he can allow himself to fight for it one last time but their work life balance is pretty much defined by "when you are m" and "when you are not/when you are tanner's." when it's no longer that clear-cut it takes tanner reaching for him and saying gareth for both of them to understand that what they have together exists outside and past the boundaries of m-and-his-chief-of-staff. ugh its crazy stuff

"He's always known exactly how to push Nick's buttons and Nick's not made it a secret how hot he is for him right now, all confident competence, smug and self-assured in the knowledge that he's done everything Nick wants of him - and he has. He's done it to perfection.  He reaches out and traces a finger across Jasper’s jaw, waits until he has his full attention before he lets his mouth curve with clean, shining approval. “Oh, Jas,” he says, “my sword.” Jasper lets out a sigh at Nick's words, pitched high enough that it could be a whine, tongue darting out to wet his lips. Nick steps back, lets Jasper sway half a step towards him, the slackness in his shoulders half want and half relief. Catches him with a hand against his chest. “Let me see you. What have you done to yourself?”"

well i had to put in this entire passage from just so long as this thing's loaded (marvel, unhinged nickjasper). i am just so fucking pleased with the build of the tension and the space of the pause before the Line Of All Time and just. i assigned myself to write Well More Things Should Be Weird And Horny and i think i pulled it off. like six paragraphs up there is pretty much straight up knifeplay in there. in my defense i didnt realize how intense it'd got until i had finished writing it. obviously the crown jewel of this excerpt and also of the whole fic is oh, jas, my sword which is a line that fucking bolt of lightning-ed into my mind exactly when i needed it and put me absolutely flat on my back. (i WILL take the "character being reduced to a deadly weapon by their love interest and liking it" trope to its most literal. Augh.) usually i see those kinds of major lines that i spend a whole scene's worth leading up to coming. I Did Not See This Coming.

man there's more but im putting a readmore in for the sake of everyone's sanity.

"This is leaping off an edge and trusting the ocean to catch her - trusting Raleigh to catch her, and when the drift comes up to cradle her and her feet come down onto the contact pedals she feels like she could eat the world whole. It makes her want to split herself open, loving hands and cold steel and take back what the kaiju have taken from her, the blood they’ve spilt over her insides[...]"

i! love! mako mori!!!!! my best girl!!!! they say when you set out on a quest for revenge dig two graves they! underestimate! me!! when i wrote tempered steel (pacific rim/mako mori-centric) i was like oh i Get her. oh her spine is literally a sword. oh the kaiju took everything from her and she will take everything from them and she will not die trying because she is the hurricane. she will open herself up with her own hands (and raleigh's hands because they are her hands and hnnnggg drift compatibility...) and draw out every drop of blood the kaiju have left inside her and. just incredible stuff

"now[...m]eans after this, after the kitchen they'd painted together, after the car rides to work, after Nick-and-Jasper becomes just Nick, and a house with Jasper's name still on the mortgage."

sorry about the blood in your mouth (marvel, the first nickjasper i ever published. life comes full circle) is the oldest fic in this set but i still think about this line regularly. just. when you are a spy and your husband is a spy and it turns out he's been a traitor all along and you fell for it hook line and sinker. and you cannot let anyone else kill him because you need it to be you, because you have done the thing you never thought or let yourself do, you have built yourself a life with him and now. now you are just nick, now you are a half of a whole and his name will always be on your mortgage and your house will always be yours, both of yours, and. Man. 2020 me was on something fuckoff crazy (quarantine blues is what).

"Dying for each other might be romantic in all the stories but in real life, it just hurts. In real life, it just leaves someone behind. They already know that Jasper will walk unflinching to the edge and let himself fall, that Nick will claw his way right out of the grave just to catch him when he hits the ground. This time, it’s their goddamn story. This time, they’ll run and they’ll get out, hand in hand. This time, they’re going to fucking live."

the whole ending paragraph of say the word and i'm already there (marvel, sneaking into the garage after the divorce to pick up my nickjasper boxes and fleeing with them). i love to subvert tropes and saw that post about instead of i will die for you try i will live because of you, for you and i finally got to do it. i love dying-for-each-other as much as the next girl but also like...let's be serious here for a minute. let's be so real character death in mainstream media is so cheap nowadays. In Real Life It Just Hurts. this is such an i will write you a thousand happy endings moment i think i cried when i wrote it like....man i love jasper sitwell. i love him so fucking much. we've really had quite enough of self-sacrifice and death and all that in my opinion. the knowledge of mcu canon jasper's fate dogs every step of my damn life. it haunts me okay I Need Them To Live.

[straycatboogie]

2023/05/06 English

BGM: Masayoshi Yamazaki - パンを焼く

As usual, I put my memo pad from the pocket and start writing my ideas in English. And trying to read them in English by myself... I certainly get fear of thinking that these my memos might be just a nonsense or chaotic random. I can't see if these English "graffiti" can have a certain meaning by the eyes of native speakers. So I try to post the pic of it to Discord and MeWe. I want to make native speakers read it and say some comments. About this kind of problem, I get a sympathy with a philosopher, Wittgenstein. He was the person who had thought this communication's problem really deeply and kept on writing as his masterpieces. An enigma of communication, being delivered by my rough words... I can read them by myself and understand what I wrote. Wittgenstein had thought about that magical or radical potentials. I respect him.

A friend said to me as "quirky" about this memo. I googled and found that this is a word which describes a difficult thing. Any "strange" but "wonderful" things. Me, I think myself as really strange because I write English memo although it is not my mother tongue. It was just from an "instant idea" and that's all. Once I had written my memo in Japanese, but it had not suit for me therefore I couldn't keep on doing. But once I just thought I wanted to write my ideas in English, and tried to do so. Then, it fit me so I keep on doing that until now. Through a test which checks my autism, I was said that my skill of writing and reading words is high. That is the key of this "quirky" activity. Yes, that is me so I keep on reading many, really many books every day, and from them I think about a lot of things. I even write my diary to let them out actually. But, then who is not a "quirky" person on this planet? Is this just an excuse of an autistic person?

Reading Twitter after a long time, I found an interesting tweet. It was about the fact of being an autistic person. Blaming many troubles or any difficulties of living this life to autism. Indeed, they are important trials. But if we stop our progresses by blaming them, we can't go anymore. How should we live on thinking autism as the things we already know and should overcome. Yes, I once had a period of thinking "I must be unhappy and miserable because of this autism, and everything is too late to change in a better way". But recently I am thinking that I must have some things to change this situation even if it is a hard precondition. As kinds of "some things", I learn English and read books. I won't stop keeping on learning every day. I heard Martin Luther had said as "even though this world would end tomorrow, I would plant apple trees onto this ground today". This quote is also famous in Japan. Indeed, we need to complain or vent, but our life is too short to complain only.

Today I worked early. The evening I thought I would enjoy my reading time elegantly as usual, but my mind didn't stay quiet. Many books attracted my mind. Reading Shinji Aoyama's diary with Augustus Pablo's music, or trying to listen to Debussy and Satie... Ah, what a free and loose life. Reading my diary by chance, I thought why I was this kind of bigmouth. Learning English makes me enjoy letting out my troth to this world. I find the pleasure of communication with friends from all over the world. I criticize that my bigmouth comes from that kind of worldwide communication. That gives me huge self-esteem. In other way, I say I am basically just a weak person but my skill of English hides that. Learning languages cures our souls. I feel that. I recommend you to get or gain great self-esteem by learning them.

[sesshy380]

More crackfic

Posted the first part of my little crackfic series the other day. Figured why not just keep going.

If you like this, please go over to AO3 and smash that Kudos button for me. If you are a guest user, I would appreciate just a little 'Kudos left' or something along those lines in the comments so I don't suspect a Kudosbot attack if I get a bunch of guest hits.

Title: Talking with Myself....Again https://archiveofourown.org/works/42737205

Summary: This is the result of my caffeine to blood ratio being out of balance. Why is there so much blood in my caffeine system?!

[Yami Bakura casually approaches Author’s desk, his latest ‘edits’ in hand]

Y.Bakura: Uh…Author? Are you okay?

[Author’s head is laying sideways on the keyboard, her eyes appear as empty sockets, and there is drool coming from the corner of her mouth]

Author: * unintelligible zombie moan *

[Yami Bakura appears unphased, starts looking around for the other characters involved in Author’s longfic]

Y.Bakura: Okay! Which one of you rejects fried her brains this time?! I know for a fact it wasn’t me!

[Yugi peeks his head out from some random location]

Yugi: Yeah, sorry. That was me. Apparently I’m too ‘positive’ of a character…whatever that means…

[Yami Bakura stifles a yawn]

Y.Bakura: It means you’re boring.

Yugi: I am not!

Y.Bakura: Oh really?

[Yami Bakura gestures around to all the other characters]

Y.Bakura: Pretend you’re meeting everyone here for the first time. What would you do?

[Yugi looks around and smiles]

Yugi: I walk up to each of them and ask them if they want to be friends!

[Yami Bakura is not amused]

Y.Bakura: Wrong. You walk up to each of them with a friendly smile like you want to be their friend, then when they least expect it, impale them with sharp, pointy knives!

[Yami Bakura is now amused]

[Yugi, however, is appalled]

Yugi: What is wrong with you?!

[Yami Bakura laughs maniacally]

Y.Bakura: Everything! That’s what makes me the best! That’s why I’m the Author’s favorite!

Atem: Right…her ‘favorite’. That’s why there’s Hateshipping in the current longfic plot…

[Atem has entered chat. Atem is not amused]

[Yami Bakura glares imaginary daggers at Atem]

Y.Bakura: I’ve made edits to the plot. You’re welcome.

[Yami Bakura holds up a piece of paper with ‘Plot Idiots’ written across the top in red crayon]

Atem: You spelled ‘Edits’ wrong…

[Yami Bakura glances at the paper]

Y.Bakura: Nope. This plot is full of idiots. I’m trying to be helpful and label things properly for the Author.

[Atem jerks paper away from Yami Bakura]

Atem: Why is most of this crossed out and replaced with ‘Murder the Pharaoh’ and ‘Murder everyone’?

[Yami Bakura sighs boredly]

Y.Bakura: You wouldn’t understand. Your tiny brain can’t comprehend something as complex as the art of killing people.

[Yugi walks by with a freshly brewed cup of coffee and sets it beside the Author]

[Author Zombie slowly moves a hand away from the keyboard, groaning as she takes the coffee and slowly lifts the remainder of her corpse from the keyboard as well]

[Yugi smiles]

Yugi: Look! I fixed the Author! Someone forgot to refill her mug.

[Author sips at caffeinated beverage. She is no longer a Zombie. Her eyes have returned to staring intensely at the monitor]

Author: Alrighty, where was I?

[Author stares at monitor a bit more, then slowly turns and glares as Yugi]

Author: Why are you being so difficult to write? Is this because there’s no Puzzleshipping in my longfic? Is this punishment for not writing any Puzzleshipping fics at all? I have one in my WIPs. I’ll get to it when I get to it…stop rushing me!

[Yugi nervously tries to hide behind Atem]

Yugi: * in a near whisper * I forgot how mean Author gets when she’s stuck on a chapter.

Atem: Don’t worry. I think she’ll forget about that in three…two…

[Yami Bakura pushes his paper of ‘edits’ in Author’s face]

[Author turns into a fire-breathing dragon and turns Yami Bakura into a pile of charcoal, then returns to her normal self and goes back to staring at her monitor, sipping away at the dark life-sustenance in her mug]

[mollysmonsters]

I posted 453 times in 2022

4 posts created (1%)

449 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@thistlefly

@innytoes

@vickyvicarious

@bex-pendragon

@racethewind10

I tagged 228 of my posts in 2022

Only 50% of my posts had no tags

#leverage - 16 posts

#tiktok - 12 posts

#omg - 9 posts

#art - 8 posts

#boy meets world - 6 posts

#star trek - 5 posts

#star trek picard - 5 posts

#muppets - 5 posts

#movies - 5 posts

#doctor who - 5 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#but not as much as i think about alice wu crying with her best friend who couldn't be her best friend anymore because his girlfriend felt

My Top Posts in 2022:

#4

I wish the lyrics for Disenchanted were better honestly fuck Ronald Reagan

0 notes - Posted December 1, 2022

#3

2021 fic year in review

QuTotal Number Of Posted Works: 32

Total Word Count: 9573

Fandoms I’ve Written In: Camelot, Boy Meets World, The Wizard of Oz, Kim Possible, The Barkleys of Broadway, New Girl, Leverage, The L Word, Red White and Royal Blue, Star Trek: TOS, Some Like It Hot, First Blush, Harry Potter, Pretty Little Liars, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Star Trek: DS9, Star Trek: Voyager, Glee, Dawson’s Creek

Looking Back, Did You Write More Fic Than You Thought You Would This Year, Less, Or About What You’d Expected: Definitely more. 32 is an awful lot of fics, even if most are drabbles.

What’s Your Own Favorite Story Of The Year: Probably Agent Stiletto. It’d been in my ideas folder for a long time and I was clearing out said folder when I said, “Maybe I should delete this. I mean, am I ever going to write it?” Then I kept having ideas the next two days and wrote it.

Did You Take Any Writing Risks This Year: It feels like yes, but I can’t point to anything specific.

Do You Have Any Fanfic Or Profic Goals For The New Year: I mostly want to focus on writing plays (at least half of which will be adapttions/fanfics), but I don’t want to leave this all behind. Plus I want to finally finish my NaNo 2019 fic.

Most Popular Story Of The Year: Depending on the metric, either Shower Scene or Holding Eliot Back.

Story Of Mine Most Under-Appreciated By The Universe, In My Opinion: I fully understand why but Quantity Time is really cute and has only 3 hits.

Most Fun Story To Write: Again, probably Agent Stiletto.

Most Unintentionally Telling Story: The Beginning. I didn’t even realize I was shipping Cory/Topanga/Shawn that much until...well, until I did.

Biggest Disappointment: That I haven’t finished A Flash of Cold.

Biggest Surprise: That I actually wrote Agent Stiletto instead of letting it languish in ideas for forever.

My Favorite Part Of Fandom This Year: Joining the Leverage fandom for sure. Y’all are great.

My AO3

1 note - Posted January 1, 2022

#2

Working on a “some Doctors fuck, some don’t” theory and while I’m waffling about some of them, there’s no doubt in my mind about 12. That dude fucks.

For the record, my inclinations right now are:

9: Would but has too much recent trauma. Watched Jack and Rose once.

10: Yes.

11: No.

12: YES.

13: No.

3 notes - Posted November 25, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Anyone got any recommendations for good Star Trek podcasts?

8 notes - Posted February 6, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[baeddel]

Please. Please can you tell me what a baeddel is and why people (terfs?) used it in a derogatory manner on this website for a hot minute but now no one ever uses it at all

you asked for it, fucker

[2k words; philology and drama]

baeddel is an Old English word. i have no idea where it actually occurs in the Old English written corpus, but it occurs in a few placenames. its diminuitive form, baedling, is much better documented. it appears in the (untranslated) Canons of Theodore, a penitential handbook, a sort of guidebook for priests offering advice on what penances should be recommended for which sins. in a passage devoted to sexual transgressions it gives the penances suggested for a man who sleeps with a woman, a man who sleeps with another man, and then a man who sleeps with a baedling. so you have this construction of a baedling as something other than a man or a woman. and then it gives the penance for a baedling who sleeps with another baedling (a ludicrous one-year fast). then, by way of an explaination, Theodore delivers us one of the most enigmatic phrases in the Old English corpus: "for she is soft, like an adulturess."

the -ling suffix in baedling is masculine. but Theodore uses feminine pronouns and suffixes to describe baedlings. as we said, it's also used separately from male and female. but it's also used separately from their words for intersex and it never appears in this context. all of this means that you have this word that denotes a subject who is, as Christopher Monk put it, "of problematic gender." interested historians have typically interpreted it as referring to some category of homosexual male, such as Wayne R. Dines in his two-volume Encyclopedia of Homosexuality who discusses it in the context of an Old English glossary which works a bit like an Old English-Latin dictionary, giving Old English words and their Latin counterparts. the Latin words the Anglo-Saxon lexicographer chose to correspond with baedling were effeminatus and mollis, and Lang concludes that it refers to an "effeminate homosexual" (pg 60, Anglo Saxon). this same glossary gives as an Old English synonym the word waepenwifstere which literally means "woman with a penis," and which Dines gives the approximate translation (hold on tight) male wife.

R. D. Fulk, a philologist and medievalist, made a separate analysis of the term in his study on the Canons of Theodore 'Male Homoeroticism in the Old English Canons of Theodore', collected in Sex and Sexuality in Medieval England, 2004. he analysed it as a 'sexual category' (sexual as in sexuality), owing to the context of sexual transgressions in the Canons. he decides that it refers to a man who bottoms in sexual relationships with another man. i don't have the article on hand so i'm not sure what his reasoning was, but this seems obviously inadequate given what we know from the glossary described by Dines. Latin has a word for bottom, pathica, and the lexicographer did not use this in their translation, preferring words that emphasized the baedling's femininity like effeminatus, and doesn't address the sexual context at all. Dines, however, only reading this glossary, seems to decide that it refers to a type of male homosexual too hastily, considering the Canons explicitly treat them separately. both Dines and Fulk immediately reduce the baedling to a subcategory of homosexual when neither of the sources to hand actually do so themselves.

by now it should be obvious why, seven or so years ago, we interpreted it as an equivalent to trans woman. I mean come on - a woman with a penis! these days I tend to add a bit of a caution to this understanding, which is that trans woman is the translation of baedling which seems most adequate to us, just as baedling was the translation of effeminatus that seemed most adequate to our lexicographer. but the term cannot translate perfectly; its sense was derived from some minimal context; a legal context, a doctrinal context, and so forth... the way Anglo-Saxons understood sex/gender is complicated but it has been argued that they had a 'one sex model' and didn't regard men and women as biologically separate types, which is obviously quite different from the sexual model accepted today; in any case they didn't have access to the karyotype and so on. the basic categories they used to understand gender and sexuality were different from ours. in particular, Hirschfield et al. should be understood as a particularly revolutionary moment in the genealogy of transsexuality; the Institut für Sexualwissenschaft essentially invented the concept of the 'sex change', the 'transition', conceived as a biological passage from one sex to the other. even in other contexts where (forgive me) #girlslikeus changed their bodies in some way, like the castration of the priestesses of Cybele, or those belonging to the various historical societies which we believe used premarin for feminization [disputed; see this post], there is no record that they were ever considered men at any stage or had some kind of male biology that preceded their 'gender identity.' the concept of the trans woman requires the minimal context of the coercive assignment at birth and its subsequent (civil and bio-technological) rejection. i have never encountered evidence that this has ever been true in any previous society. nonetheless, these societies still had gendered relations, and essentially wherever we find these gendered relations we also find some subject which is omitted or for whom it has been necessary to note exceptions. what is of chief interest to us is not so much that there was such a subject here or there in history (and whatever propagandistic uses this fact might have), but understanding why these regularities exist.

a very parsimonious explanation is that gender is a biological reality, and there is some particular biological subject which a whole host of words have been conjured to denote. if this were the case then we would expect that, no matter what gender/sexual system we encounter in a given society, it will inevitably find some linguistic expression. if, like me, you find this idea revolting, then you should busy yourself trying to come up with an alternative explanation which is not just plausible, but more plausible. my best guesses are outside the scope of this answer...

anyway, all of this must be very interesting to the five or six people invested in the confluence of philology and gender studies. but why on earth did it become so widely used, in so many strange and unusual contexts, in the 2010s? we're very sorry, but yes, it's our fault. you see apart from all of this, there is also a little piece of information which goes along with the word baeddel, which is that it's the root of the Modern English word bad. by way of, no less, the word baedan, 'to defile'. how this defiled historical subject came to bear responsibility for everything bad to English-speakers doesn't seem to be known from linguistic evidence. however, it makes for a very pithy little remark on transmisogyny. my dear friend [REDACTED] made a playful little post making this point and, good Lord, had we only known...

it went like this. its such a funny little idea that we all start changing our urls to include the word baeddel. in those days it was common to make puns with your url (we always did halloween and christmas ones); i was baeddelaire, a play on the French poet Baudelaire. while we all still had these urls a series of events which everyone would like to forget happened, and we became Enemies of Everyone in the Whole World. because of the url thing people started to call us "the baeddels." then there was "a cult" called "the baeddels" and so forth. this cult had various infamies attatched to it and a constellation of indefensible political positions. ultimately we faced a metric fucking shit ton of harassment, including, for some of my friends, really serious and bad irl harassment that had long-term bad awful consequences relating to stable housing and physical safety and i basically never want to talk about that part of my life ever again. and i never have to, because i've come to realize that for most people, when they use the word baeddel, they don't know about that stuff. it doesn't mean that anymore.

so what does it mean? you'll see it in a few contexts. TERFs do use it, as you guessed. i am not quite sure what they really mean by it and how it differs from other TERF barbs. i think being a baeddel invovles being politically active or at least having a political consciousness, but in a way thats distinct from just any 'TRA' or trans activist. so perhaps 'militant' trans women, but perhaps also just any trans woman with any opinions at all. how this was transmitted from tumblr/west coast tranny drama to TERF vocabulary i have no idea. but you will also find - or, could have found a few years ago - i would say 'copycat' groups who didn't know us or what we believed but heard the rumours, and established their own (generously) organizations (usually facebook groups) dedicated to putting those principles into practice. they considered themselves trans lesbian separatists and did things like doxx and harass trans women who dated cafabs. if you don't know about this, yes, there really were such groups. they mostly collapsed and disappeared because they were evildoers who based their ideology on a caricature. i knew a black trans woman who was treated very badly by one of these groups, for predictable reasons. so long-time readers: if you see people talking about their bad experiences with 'baeddels', you can't necessarily relate it to the 2014 context and assume they're carrying around old baggage. there are other dreams in the nightmare.

the most common way you'll see it today, in my experience, is in this form: people will say that it was a "slur" for trans women. they might bring up that it's the root of the word bad, and they might even think that you shouldn't use the word bad because of it, or that you shouldn't use the word baeddel because it's a slur. all of this is a silly game of internet telephone and not worth addressing. except to say that it's by no means clear that baeddel, or baedling, were slurs, or even insulting at all. while Theodore doesn't provide us with a description of how we can have sex with a baedling without sinning, and it may be the case that any sexual relations with a baedling was considered sinful, sexuality-based transgressions were not taken all that seriously in those days. there was a period where homosexuality within the Church was almost sanctioned, and it wasn't until much later that homosexuality became so harshly proscribed, to the extent that it was thought to represent a threat to society, etc. and as i mentioned, there are places in England named after baedlings. there is a little parish near Kent which is called Badlesmere, Baeddel's Lake, which was recorded in the Anglo-Saxon Domesday Book (as having a lord, a handful of villagers and a few slaves; perhaps only one or two households). it's not unheard of, but i just don't know very many places called Faggot Town or some such. it's possible that baedlings had some role in Anglo-Saxon society which we are not aware of; it could even have been a prestigious one, as it was in other societies. there is just no evidence other than a couple of passing references in the literature and we'll probably never have a complete picture.

[arodabi]

okay, i’m finally getting around to writing this, and uhh ill say its for aro week too. this is written as an aro person directed at alloromantic people. when i refer to writing, i’m kind of using it as a general term for creative works. Here’s me throwing my hat in on the question:

Can you ship aromantic characters?

and my answer is,,,,, actually a question. Why do you want to ship aromantic characters? 

I want alloros to realize that for a lot of aros, we do not get to see ourselves represented often. I can actually count on like one hand how many popular canon aro characters there are, and on the whole, none of their identities are respected. people constantly try to weasel their way out of actually writing aro characters, or they just ignore or deny their identity outright. fandom spaces (hell creative spaces in general) are at best not welcoming to aros, and at worst actively hostile towards us. So when the first question brought up when a character gets canonically confirmed as aro is “okay cool but can i ship them???” or “that’s nice but how can i still write about my fave ship that involves them??” i want to fucking scream. its a slap to the face and it shows that people really do not give a shit about aros. you say stuff like that and all i hear is “my fictional ship is so much more important than representing your marginalized minority identity” so instead of me just sitting here and saying “yes you can totally ship aro characters, as long as you’re respectful!!!” i’m saying “can you stop and think why you want to shove an aro character into a romantic relationship at the first chance you get?? maybe you have some arophobia you haven’t worked on?? maybe since we live in an amatonormative world, you’re letting that influence your views??” because that question being the first thing out of your mouth when you see a character you like confirmed as aro? that’s already disrespectful towards aros in my book.

So back to my question, Why do you want to ship aromantic characters? is it because you can’t write characters without them being in romantic relationships? or because you think a character without a romantic relationship is boring? Because if so, that’s a bad reason and it sounds like amatonormativity is rotting your brain. 

Is it because you just really like a ship with the aro character? Because you can write two characters with a strong relationship without writing them as a couple. A strong friendship can hold just as much power as a romantic relationship.

Is it because fuck aros, i will write what I wanna write and I don't wanna write this character with their canon identity? because then you’re just an arophobic asshole that needs to work on your shitty opinions. aro representation is just as important as any other lgbtqia+ representation.

Now if you’re reading this and thinking “well i heard aros can be in queerplatonic relationships!” I want you to think for a second. Are you writing a qpr or are you writing a romantic relationship with the serial numbers filed off? Have you talked to aro people or read stuff actually written by us? because, yes, some qprs can look a lot like a romantic relationship from the outside, but that’s just it, you’re looking at it from the outside. qprs are more than just “romantic relationship with extra steps”, and i think it’s really telling how many times i see alloromantic people saying they’re depicting an aro character in a qpr, not a romantic relationship, but then they never ever make any effort to distinguish the qpr from any other romantic relationship they write or draw. It just feels like qprs are getting used by alloros as a gatcha any time an aro person objects to how they depict (or don’t depict) aromanticism. if you want to write a character in a qpr then go for it! but you need to actually do research, talk to aros, get multiple opinions and not just take the first opinion that agrees with you and run with it.

“But what about headcanoning a character as arospec?” now i will say before i go into this, i am aro, not arospec, so if an arospec person wants to come in and correct me at any part here im happy to listen. but my problem when alloros bring up arospec identities is a very similar problem to how qprs are often depicted. I remember when Peridot Stevenuniverse got confirmed aro (she did, do not argue this with me) people were jumping over themselves to assure everyone that “a character getting confirmed as aro just means they are any arospec identity” which,, uhh,, not true? i mean if an arospec person wants to see a canon aro character as, say, aroflux, i’ve got no problem, aro and arospec people can do what they want really. but, i do have a problem with all the alloro fans who were spreading this. because, do you really see the character as demiromantic? or are you using that identity to deflect criticism from erasing aro identities? are you actually trying to write a good depiction of a demiro person? or are you just writing normal ship stuff and slapping a “uwu ive never felt romantic attraction until i met you! and now i will act exactly like any alloromantic person!” at the beginning? being in fandom spaces, i do see the occasional fic actually depicting an aspec identity (i say aspec her because aro is so rare that most of these examples i’ve seen have been acespec identities rather than arospec) but like 99% of the time, that’s written by someone who actually shares the identity. before you use our terms and identities to cover your ass when you erase us, consider not fucking doing that. consider listening to all aros and getting our thoughts and input. 

And last here is “but what about romance positive aros?” now i think most of what i’ve said previously can be applied here. the only thing i wanna add is, i think its very interesting that almost every time i see non aros depict aros, they always write them as very into romance, very open to be in romantic relationships, and very quiet about their aro identity. despite the character in canon not showing any of these traits. romance positive aros are good and important, but not every aro is romance positive. there’s quite a few of us that are romance repulsed, and alloros only depicting aros as super romance positive no matter what is suspicious to say the least. if an aro character is shown to be open to participating in romantic activities in canon then of course write them that way. but if an aro character is shown to be uninterested in, or even actively against romantic activities then respect that too.

so, to wrap up my thoughts in this ramble: please ask yourself why you want to ship aro characters so bad, because if the only reason is that amatonormativity has brainwashed you into not being able to write, or draw, or do anything with a character without them being in a romantic relationship, then you uhhh need to work on that, that’s honestly a writing/creative flaw imo. if you like the relationship dynamic between an aro character and another character, consider making them friends. friendship is not less powerful than romantic relationships. nobody is ever too old for the power of friendship trope. If you’re erasing an aro character’s identity because fuck aros, then fuck off somewhere far away from me and work on your bullshit. qprs, arospec identities, and romance positive aros are all very real, very important parts of the aro community, but please talk to other aros about them and actually make an effort to understand how these things work, dont just assume. And also don’t use these things as a way to erase aro identities and cover your ass if get called out. its disrespectful towards all aros.

The most important thing to do before writing or creating work with aro characters is to talk to aros, and not just the aros that agree with you. look up what a qpr actually is, learn how aros experience their arospec identities, talk to aros with multiple outlooks on romance. and if you can’t bring yourself to reach out, at least read through our own writings, whether that’s fiction, or informational posts, fuck, look through our memes if u wanna. Just please actually make an effort.

So, Can you ship aro characters? its complicated. look at trends in your fandom, question why you want to, and do research. Be an aro ally, listen to us. That’s really the most important thing.