#now who's living a unrequited fantasy bitch?

[livelovecaliforniadreams]

[ragnarokproofing]

this post is going to be under construction for forever, basically.

i haven't decided on my fake name yet. i live in chicago but i'm leaving soon. late twenties. male. i hold an MFA in creative writing and a BA in game development.

i write fantasy, primarily dark fantasy, but am also interested in urban fantasy and historical fantasy. i have a decade of experience writing and posting fanfic in many different fandoms.

my writing focuses on themes of masculinity and homophobia, transness, sexuality and kink, disability, and gay love/romance.

i speak english and have a questionable grasp of french and czech. i am studying norwegian and old norse/icelandic.

i'm open to tag games and the like but it will probably take me a minute to get to them.

fiction: i'm really passionate about YA lit, even though i'm not writing any right now. my favorite YA authors are laini taylor, alex london (yes, the one plagiarized by james somerton), and margaret rogerson.

my favorite (adult) fiction authors are cathrynne m. valente, ursula k. le guin, and brandon sanderson. my favorite nonfiction authors are neil price, richard preston, and lindsey fitzharris.

film: my favorite directors are masaaki yuasa, robert eggers, and the wachowski sisters. my favorite films are cloud atlas (2012), ravenous (1999), mind game (2004), pom poko (1994), and trick or treat (1986).

i love B movies, and i have a growing collection of DVD movie packs and vinegar syndrome special editions. i have the oversized "champagne and bullets" poster hanging on my wall, and i own the miami connection soundtrack on vinyl. i am one of the only people on earth unironically interested in the history of shot-on-video movies.

music: anything in the "alternative" sphere, but i have a special fondness for folk punk and psychobilly/horrorpunk. my favorite bands are the mountain goats, AJJ, florence + the machine, aganst me!, editors, and baroness.

study/academic topics: my thesis is largely inspired by my passion for viking/medieval scandinavian history and culture. i am studying old norse/old icelandic, in the hopes of being able to read the sagas in their original language.

i love medical history and know everything there is to know about WWI-era facial reconstructive surgery, and plan to write a story about it someday (i was into it before the fitzharris book, goddammit!). i will read any nonfiction book about a part of medical history, whether it's a specific disease or a technique or field.

other: lake superior and the minnesota north shore, minnesota public radio, food culture and food writing, candles and incense that smell like the woods, tattoos that look like woodcuts, collecting enamel pins, travel patches, and mosser cats, fiber arts.

my thesis: a grand-scale dark fantasy novel about a misanthropic wizard academic and an alcoholic viking mercenary trying to save the world. main themes: cultural homophobia, misogyny, and machismo and the way they affect gay men, fascism and surviving under hostile systems, sacrifice and what makes a world worth saving, languages and the way they affect our lives, romance.

vampire story: a short story about a vampire that works at hot topic befriending a community college student in 2007. main themes: being suicidal and what makes life worth living, connection, romance.

viking story: a short horror story about a viking that gets stuck in a cave while searching for his unrequited love, who may or may not be dead. main themes: homophobia and machismo, grief and mourning.

i don't like naming things.

i don't care who follows me.

this blog is occasionally NSFW.

if you post a lot about political issues, i will not follow you. this is because i am here for fun, not to be angry, depressed, homicidal, or suicidal. if you do not like that, get bent. it will not change.

if you are weird to me, i will block you.

if you, under any circumstances, refer to me or any of my male characters as baby, baby girl, girlie, bitch, princess, or any other infantilizing, misogynistic horseshit, i will block you.

that's it.

[autisticzukka]

what is this hakoda zuko arranged marriage you speak of? i am intrigued

okay so the long story short is that it’s a slight rebuttal of a popular post that is very fun but i find like... unrealistic in a really intriguing way like, how would this ACTUALLY play out. I’ve talked about it at length in my server a few times, and it’s one of those AU’s -- like the genderbend zukka ATLA rewrite or the zukki fic that starts with sokka failing to assassinate zuko -- that lives rent free in my head and I’ve written a couple thousand words for.

tw for like VERY unrequited zuko in love with hakoda and the inherent comedy of sokka being in love with his fire nation stepmom.

so here’s hakoda, chief of the southern water tribe, happily not-married to Bato. and here is a more balanced war, where the north and the south are actually  allies, rather than whatever the fuck they were in ATLA. Yue already has a fiance and the Northern chief refuses to remarry. that leaves hakoda responsible for biting the bullet and doing a political marriage even though, as he points out at length, he is an elected official and if he stops being elected it’s no longer a marriage with the chief of the south pole. intelligently but mostly selfishly motivated (yue’s fiance is his nephew, after all) pakku points out that its not like the fire nation knows... that. the fire nation is dumb. ozai’s stupid.

faced with such inarguable points hakoda stiffens his upper lip, pre-emptively ends things with bato on the understanding that if this is another kya situation they’ll get back together and that he’s still the most important person to him but the tribe comes first yada yada, and deals with katara throwing the mother of all tantrums. it is slightly softened by the fact that in return for him marrying the fire nation noble, a thing everyone can agree isn’t traditional, the north has finally agreed to train katara. she heads out before the wedding, in protest but also so as to not cause an international incident.

(on her way, she’ll find aang. with the war less dire, katara will be sympathetic towards his desire to live without committing violence, even if she deeply can’t relate. they’ll have a hot girl romcom summer of self discovery and coming to terms with the dichotomy between duty and love as they become master benders. at some point they pick up toph. they ARE a throuple.)

sokka meanwhile is like.. not cool with it.. but ? kind of relieved? like. he’s the eldest kid. he’s 18, and he’s been a man of the tribe as far as legalities for several years. it would have been entirely understandable if his dad had asked HIM to do it. he had his emotionally crushing romance with yue, and as much as he was like ‘im kind of a prince’, he finds he doesn’t actually want some of the responsibilities and demands that would bring. yue’s life sucks.

back in the fire nation, zuko never demanded a quest and never went on it. he’s spent years hardening into something that, while brittle, can survive the pressures of the court around him. he still has his scar. he still wants his father to love him, but he knows by now that it’s not something he’s capable of earning. he watches his sister, never the most stable person, start to have complete breakdowns of sanity once she hits puberty, and helps her cover for it and receive medical treatment on the down low. he’s the heir, but he lives knowing that if he was ever in a position to inherit his choices are to abdicate or have the baby sister who he raised kill him and destroy herself and the country in the process.

when he realizes the plan is to marry azula off rather than someone more reasonable-- mai is RIGHT there, for fucks sake-- he doesn’t realize ozai’s true intent is to fuck this up through malicious compliance and false shows of good faith. he panics, and does the zuko thing: he blurts out that this is unacceptable and immoral and she’s only 16 and Ozai sees the true opportunity for two birds with one stone. send zuko, let him piss someone off so badly he gets killed or divorced, and he gets rid of zuko from the line of succession permanently. there are those who are incredibly attached to teh idea of a firstborn for firelord, and it’s been a constant thorn in unpopular ozai’s side to nto be able to name azula his heir apparent without costly rebellion. but if he can taint him in the mind of the fire nation so much that birthright is easy to supercede-- yeah. this’ll work PERFECTLY.

so zuko is sent to marry hakoda, chief of the water tribe.

literally NO ONE was expecting it to be a member of Ozai’s immediate family. besides the fact that his oldest child is half hakoda’s age and his brother has 20 years on hakoda, it would have been sus as fuck - the treaty is not favorable enough to grant that kind of secession of interests. it becomes quickly apparent that this young man -- hakoda reminds himself of that repeatedly. not kid. not kid. young man. don’t think of him like a kid, it’s hard enough on both of us already. -- is not a horrible threat. he’s scared shitless and shakes with what he thinks is bravado. he’s desperate to make the marriage work. he’s desperate to not go home. he’s got a giant fucking scar on his face from where the fire lord punished him for some grievous but unstated offense.

zuko “daddy issues” fire nation sees his husband to be and, despite being scared shitless, immediately begins to soften a little. like... he’s not nearly as scary as he thought he’d be. his face can be stern, but it just as easily breaks into huge smiles, and his eyes are crinkled with laughter. he’s incredibly handsome. and his biceps are. his biceps. are. his hands are...

like. zuko thinks. okay. maybe. maybe his marriage duties. won’t be so horrible as he thought. maybe he’s ready for this. and he knows what to expect, Uncle had discreetly provided him the means and the contacts to acquire an intimate education in the whirlwind of activity that was the two months before leaving. and like, once he’d gotten past the nerves, it was often even... good? or at least... not bad? he thinks that even if hakoda isn’t a professional expert, he has a certain.... je ne sais quoi, if you will.

((DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF))

sokka sees his new stepfather and immediately falls in love because he’s that kind of dumb bitch. (the core of this au is that i cant breathe thinking about sokka falling in love with his hot young stepmom his age who his dad doesnt even want to fuck. like. i CANT. sokka masturbates to ‘hand caught in the washing tub’ fantasies which are even more absurd for requiring zuko to be DOING LAUNDRY. i find it so funny.)

bato watches them at the wedding feast while hakoda is very clearly trying to treat zuko as an Equal Adult Partner and mostly managing to seem like someone having a serious conversation with a seven year old about the game they’ve made up. zuko is clearly enamored with it, soaking up the attention, blushing and doing his best to Bravely Flirt, which at one point includes awkwardly attempting to feed Hakoda by hand. bato has to excuse himself to have a teary eyed giggle, hoping that Kya is in the spirit world looking down and laughing with him. he can’t resent the kid even a little bit, when hakoda is sitting there looking so incredibly fucking befuddled as to what he’s supposed to do with this star struck infant he’s legally wed to

anyways all of this... is very funny. their wedding night... is less so. zuko does not take the rejection from hakoda very well, especially because he’d been caught wanting. HE’S the one who should be rejecting hakoda. and he catastrophizes almost immediately about his potential value to the water tribe, his future treatment, that endless inescapable freezing cold loneliness is the good ending for him here... hakoda, meanwhile, drops zuko off at his home, reassuringly informs him that there’s NOTHING else expected of him and he will be well taken care of, and books it to bato’s. bato refuses to let him in on grounds of ‘you can’t sleep under the same shelter as me on your wedding night to that kid, have a fucking brain’, and he ends up crashing at sokka’s.

sokka, who had KNOWN that his dad wouldnt, but also upon seeing zuko and zuko’s awkward flirting was like... but how COULDNT he???? sokka is relieved.

the core of this fic is that i find it endlessly hilarious for zuko to try and seduce his husband while sokka simps around zuko and bato tries to be heartbroken or betrayed but mostly ends up with a giant case of hysterical schadenfreude. but the thing that CLINCHED it for me, like THE scene. several years after being married, settled into their life. they’re partners and they see each other as people. and zuko just fucking snaps one night

he just kisses him, desperate and clawing and climbing and maybe a little drunk. he knows hakoda is going to push him away, maybe even hit him, but he doesn’t care anymore, he doesn’t care. he can do anything he wants to him as long as he just-- finally does something. zuko is 21 and married to the surface of the sun and the surface of the sun jr is his best friend and clearly in love with him-- so clearly not even zuko can miss it-- and like. listen. listen. zuko is not a patient person. but he’s been patient for this. he waited and he matured and he is a fucking amazing husband and he wants this, he wants him. he wants to be wanted.

but hakoda doesn’t push him away. hakoda doesnt yell at him, or hit him. hakoda gentles the kiss into something soft and closed lipped. he pulls away slowly, and his eyes are so sad for zuko, so pitying. he strokes his cheek with the back of his hand so gently. he says, I’m sorry. I don’t want you.

and zuko daddy issues fire nation swallows

and he nods

and he leaves, even though its his own fucking house

and he knows he’s never going to be good enough

like FUUUCK i am OBSESSED WITH THAT

[hopes4gf]

Thievery and Mischief- (a descendants/marvel crossover)

1 month later, me and Jay officially public! Which took extreme relief off my chest obviously. Everyone in my interviews constantly asks me about Jay and our relationship. Questions like: How do you spend time with him? What is he like with you? What are some cute things he does for you? Where have you gone together? So on and so forth. 

To be very honest, it’s intimidating knowing that we were destined to be enemies and suddenly fall for each other  AND try to keep it private. It’s super taboo among all the royals; Heroes and Villains hooking up and dating. Anyways, enough about that. 

Among all the chaos of being a celebrity, I decided to mix some music and release an album. So, I usually head to the AV club to record.

While I’m writing some of my lyrics, I think of a beat to lay down. But then I remember that my producer, Yoongi is at interviews with Namjoon and the rest of the boys. Suddenly, almost like the gods above heard my thoughts, Jay walks in.

”I knew you’d be in here,” Jay says, opening the door and seeing me in the booth.

”I’m always here now,” I say with a smile.

He walks over and plants a kiss on my cheek.

”What’re you working on this time?” Jay asks.

”This damn album. I have a couple of songs done already with Yoongi and Joon but we had to pull some things. Drafts, in other words. So, now I have to fill those in with songs from scratch,” I say.

”Ah, I see. So then, what’s the theme of the album?” Jay asks.

”Unrequited love. So like cheating, fantasies, and low-key bad bitch energies,” I describe.

He chuckles at my description and takes my sketchbook from my hands.

”Hmm, unrequited love. That song you first showed me a while ago should work. And...how about this one? Fools? Never seen this one,” Jay says, stumbling on one of my pages.

”That song...I wrote when I saw Chad’s DMS. I wrote it in like...five minutes,” I note.

Jay’s eyes widened, impressed by my quick songwriting skills.

”Well then, we should put it on a beat,” Jay says, getting up to sit in the producers' deck.

”What’re you doing?” I ask, through the mic.

”I’ll whip something up for you, we’ll work on it if you want, put your vocals on it and we’d be done in like 20 minutes,” Jay explains.

”I have to record 4 songs,” I add, furrowing my brows.

”Bet, we’ll be done in 2 hours,” Jay says.

I roll my eyes at his antics.

I listen through my headphones and hear the different beats being mixed. The bass, the melody, the dynamics of the drums with the SFX. 

I watch as he grabs an electric guitar and strums a couple of chords. I laugh as he catches me staring at him. His eyes focus on the strings of the guitar as he strums. Then, he switches back to the monitors, adjusting the bpm and tuning the guitar recording. I watch as he bites his tongue and furrows his brows as he focuses on the monitor in front of him.

He turns to me and presses the listen button.

”I’m done! Just listen to it,” He says.

He presses play and I hear some tropical whistles at the beginning leading to a synth beat. It’s a very head bop vibe, like a road trip song. I hear his guitar in the back very faintly behind the synth. Then a pause until the smoother synth emerges. My head hops along to the beat of the track. I look at him and smile through the booth window. He winks in pride as he sees me enjoying the song.

Then, it finishes.

”I think I’d like to lay some vocals down,” I say into the mic.

”Woah there, not too hasty. We gotta establish a melody first,” Jay says with a smirk.

I laugh and leave the booth, I join him by the desk with my book ready in hand.

We listen to the track over and over again. Figuring out what notes to hit, figuring out the tones, dynamics, and rhythms my voice is going to establish. While I’m humming along to the track, Jay suddenly stops it.

”I think you should start recording,” Jay suggests.

A nervous blush crosses my face.

”But we still have to figure out the backup and effects and-“ 

He covers my nervousness by kissing my lips. He lays a sweet and loving kiss on my lips and pulls away once I’m relaxed.

”Baby, you’ll be perfect. We’re gonna get these songs done, you’re gonna get this album done, you’re gonna get all the awards for this album and you’re gonna be a superstar. And don’t worry about me, because I’m gonna be right here when you do, okay?” Jay assures, staring into my hazel eyes with deep appreciation.

I nod, taking in his words.

He smiles and kisses my cheek.

”Get in that booth and knock 'em dead,” Jay says with a kind smile.

I get up from my seat and I walk back into the booth. I put on my headphones and take a breath.

”Let’s go,” I say to Jay, telling him to run the track.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

youtu.be/eY_eqNHguwg

After 2 takes of recording, we finished the track. We listen back to it a couple of times and adjust the tone of my vocals and the effects. I focus on the beat in the back to see if my voice lines up...and it’s super good.

"And who the hell taught you how to be such a good mixer?" I ask Jay.

He laughs at my question, "You don't have to know" Jay says as he stares at the monitor, saving the document and uploading it to the zip file of songs. I glare at him and he sighs.

"To be very honest, I learned through parties. On the Isle, we used to sneak out at midnight and go to Hades's lair to listen to music, do graffiti, and party. My dad would always fall asleep trying to keep an eye on me but I would always try to sneak out and go to those parties just to sit and watch from the DJ booth," Jay says.

"So you picked it up like a hobby?" I ask.

"Yeah, kind of," Jay agrees.

"You should really invest in this," I suggest.

He stares at me dumbfoundedly.

'Yeah, right. I'd rather be a Tourney coach in the future than selling music, I'm better at it, and plus, I'd rather have an all-exclusive contract with you so we can keep doing this," Jay says.

I laugh at his little joke about contracts.

"Anyways, we've got 3 more songs to record," I add.

"No problem, just give me the lyrics for it and I'll be done in a couple of minutes," Jay says, extending a hand to my sketchbook," Jay says.

I hesitantly pulled the book closer to my chest.

"Come on. I need material to work with. If we're gonna work together, you need to trust me," Jay says.

I hesitantly hand him my sketchbook and he takes it in his hands. He flips through the pages of the book past my art and gets to my lyric pages. He picks the ones he likes and focuses his attention back on the monitor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eventually, we finish recording the songs and we listen back to them. They're all perfect in my eyes and we send them to the zip file. 

"Babe, thanks for helping me out with this, I couldn't have done this without your help," I say to Jay.

"Of course, Adri. I know how hard you work to do this stuff, and if you ever need any help just please ask," jay says.

I stare at him and smile. He looks back at me with admiration in his eyes. Then, he leans in to kiss me. I kiss back and our lips enter a passionate tango. To deepen the kiss, I stand and sit over his lap, straddling him in his seat. He wraps his arms around my waist and his hands graze over my body. But before we can progress, my phone starts to buzz in my back pocket. I pull away from the kiss and scoff.

"I'm gonna assume that's Katie," Jay asks.

I take my phone and of my pocket and nod. I answer the phone.

"Hello?"

"Adri, pack your things. You've got a tour to prep for," Katie says through the phone.

My eyes widen at her words.

"Tour? We got approved by every venue?" I ask her, emotion building in my voice.

"Every single one," She says excitedly through the phone.

I pause for a second a smile emerges on my face. I turn to see Jay's reaction and he stares at my frame with a big smile on his face.

"That's perfect! And right on time too. I just finished up the album in the studio," I say happily.

"Awesome! So then we just have to send it through the admins and copyright and then you can start prepping the choreo for the concert," Katie says.

"Of course! And thank you for telling me this," I say before hanging up the phone.

I turn slowly and see Jay waiting for me to speak.

"I just got approved for a tour," I say out loud.

Jay lifts off from his seat and hugs me tightly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a month of preparation, we finally have a full-fledged tour with a newly released album and headliners! It was a big decision but I had decided to have Brendon's band, Panic! At the Disco, headline my tour. How could I not have one of my favorite artists on this planet headline for me? Anyways, the album has been a huge success for me. My single, "Home with You," has been on the Billboard Chart for 2 weeks straight! This debut has been an enormous success for my career so far, surprisingly my mom was even happy with the album too. Now, the day had arrived, the first leg of the tour. My debut. 

I walk down the halls of the large stadium, watching as Panic's drum set is hauled down the hall, I feel butterflies enter my stomach. I walk towards Brendon's dressing room and walk through the door.

"There's my favorite girl!" Brendon says with a smile as he works on his iconic hair.

He puts down a bottle of hairspray and comes over to hug me. 

"You know, the fact that you're here makes everything so much better," I say.

Brendon laughs at my comment.

"It's your first tour! I remember my first tour, I was your age, I was living out of my car with the band, and I had just left Vegas. I thought we were failures. But you, you are definitely not a failure. You are a boss! You've got talent, kid. Now, go and show it," He says, reassuring me.

Before I can respond, the door opens to Mike, the guitar player for Brendon's band.

"Yo, we gotta start tuning up," Mike says.

I turn to Brendon and give him a smile.

"Thanks, I needed that," I say.

He pats my shoulder and we start to file out to the hall. As we walk down the hall, the crew moves all the set pieces to the stage. Behind a crate, I see a familiar person. Then, suddenly my heart drops. 

Hayley.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was 14 when I had my first kiss. But it wasn't Chad who gave it to me. It was Hayley Red. Daughter of Red Riding Hood. Absolutely badass, funny, adventurous. She was someone who made me really question myself as a whole.

There was always something about her that was alluring. Her eyes, her clothing, her personality. I was so keen on trying to figure out what made me so attracted to her. Then, when I met Chad I realized that my feelings for her weren't normal. After that damn party with the " situation," I had a feeling. A feeling that would change me.

She was the person I wanted to run to. So I did.

She comforted me, something I didn't think she would do since she always had this tough exterior all the time. She was the one who made me feel safe when everything in my life fell apart. She was the one who told Lonnie to take care of me. Hayley was someone who loved me unconditionally. One day she had to leave and eventually, we stopped talking after I fell into depression, Lonnie likes to remind me that her departure was what got my depression much worse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, absolutely glued to the floor. I realize that Brendon is now standing in front of her, speaking to her. My heart sinks into my stomach suddenly as she realizes that I'm staring at her.

"Adri?" She calls from across the room.

My legs start to walk towards her unconsciously.

"Hi, Hayley," I say softly.

"You two know each other," Brendon assumes.

"Of course, she was my first girlfriend," Hayley comments.

Brendon's eyes widen.

"Oh shit," Brendon says.

Hayley looks at my frame up and down.

"You've changed so much since then," Hayley chuckles through a smile.

"You have no idea how much happened for me to get here," I say.

"Hell yeah, I mean you've got this sick venue, you were a royal advisor, your album is currently number one. I'm sure there's been a lot," Hayley says.

Suddenly, I feel arms snake around my waist and I roll my eyes.

'Jay, stop it," I say awkwardly as Jay grips my hips.

"What? I can't help it that I love you," Jay says cheekily.

I pulls his hands from my waist.

"Hayley, this is my boyfriend, Jay," I say.

Hayley blushes softly and extends her hand.

"Shit, man. It is so great to meet you. Honestly, I didn't think she'd have a boyfriend after Chad," Hayley says cheekily.

I scoff at her comment and watch as Jay shakes her hand.

"I didn't think I'd be her boyfriend after Chad either, but I guess I'm just lucky," Jay tells her.

I roll my eyes at his words.

"So how do you know Adri?" Jay asks.

I blush heavily after he asks this, Hayley looks at my face and laughs.

"We're exes, but it's all chill now," Hayley comments.

Jay's eyes widen softly and he turns to me. "Shit, I'm sorry if this is kind of awkward," Jay says to me.

"You just realized?" I say through gritted teeth.

"Don't worry, it's all cool. Plus, she's a cool girl, and if she thinks she's found someone who makes her as happy as she deserves, I've got no problems," Hayley says honestly.

My brows furrow at the situation, Hayley stands next to Jay confidently and they watch for my reaction.

The speaker suddenly reminds the band that they have 5 minutes until the show starts. Brendon excuses himself, reminding us that he's been standing there. He winks at me and I roll my eyes at his action.

"Hey, can we talk?" Hayley says, tapping my arm.

I nod and I follow her into a dressing room. She closes the door and I stand by the wall.

"Fuck, I am so sorry for not texting or calling you after so long," Hayley says in relief.

My eyes widen at her sudden sigh.

"Lonnie keeps reminding me about you," I say.

"Of course she does. So, tell me. What've you been up to since then?" Hayley asks.

I gulp.

"If you don't wanna talk about it, it's fine," Hayley says, grabbing an apple from a fruit basket in the corner of the room.

"No, It's okay. So...after you left, I went into self-quarantine. I did classes in my dorm room. I had an eating disorder. I started having anxiety, so I got a relief pet. A tiger named Roxie," I start.

"So, was Sophomore year just a relief period?" Hayley asks, taking a bite of her apple.

"Yeah. Lonnie would check on me all the time, bring me lunch, talk to my brother about my health. Go to doctor's appointments, go to therapy, and by the summer I was fine. I started getting my friends back, reconnecting with my hobbies, I met people from the business, I started joining clubs, skating, and then by the start of this year, everything was pretty much normal...until Chad's restraining order expired. He started talking shit again and trying to intimidate me with his toxic masculinity. But then, Jay showed up and stood up to him for me. Then, we started doing things together and talking. Kind of like how we did, and then he started flirting a little more heavily than his regular playboy attitude and he asked me out with help of my brother and his friends. And we've been dating since then," I explain.

Hayley digests my information while biting her apple.

"Shit, man. Depression really can fuck you up like that. And you made music on top of that? And did school? That's badass. I'm actually proud," Hayley says.

I smile at her comment.

"That means a lot coming from you," I say softly.

"You know, I actually had a rough period myself. The reason I left was actually was because my grandpa had died. His death affected me a lot. Then, my mom found out about you and that I was lesbian, so she forced me to leave. She tried so hard to make me lose all that I had already established for myself. And on top of that, I had to be strong. It's tough. That's why I'm quite proud that you're doing so well after that. Me, I'm still a train-wreck," Hayley explains.

We continue our conversation later into the night, leading up to my performance, catching up like old friends.

[project-ohagi]

Keigo Takami ღ Hawks x Reader - Quarantine Scenario 

Buy me a coffee!! <3

Flashback is in italics!

----

Within seconds, you had conquered the heart of such a roguish gentleman. Perhaps it was your sense of humour, which was witty and sarcastic enough to compete with his own. A fond smile toyed at his lips, as he drifted further into remembrance. The way your eyes seemed to apprehend the stars as you spoke in verses of mischief, or the enchanting dance you performed on the battleground...they never failed to leave him in awe. He wanted to dance with you, intertwine your bodies until the sunrise, kiss the glittering ring on your finger and then rise to meet your lips. He was a desperate man, after all, and the thought of wasting time - any time at all - was frightening, but not realistic.

As his lone figure draped over the bed-sheets, turned glacier-cold in your absence, he recalled a particular conversation between you and Endeavor (who happened to preside over your work). It always entertained him. It always helped him to laugh, despite the tears. You couldn't have been any more breath-taking if you tried. But that was the thing. You exuded this stunning confidence - a genuine attribute, not something falsified and perfected throughout the years. You were true, devoid of unhealthy pride, venturesome. Exactly what he liked. Your emotions were worn as medals.

You didn't imitate a hero.

You were a hero.

Maybe all of this was the lure that forever reeled him in, kept him clinging pathetically to your leg, and that placed him at your beck-and-call. There was no escape from your delicate hands, where his heart dwelled. Yet, it didn't matter. For the first time, he didn't care for freedom. It wasn't his destiny. Even if your love was toxic, even if it symbolised his unyielding shackles - the ones digging further into his skin with every taste...he still wouldn't relent. But it was neither. Your love was beautiful, swimming in an ocean of compassion and tranquillity. With it, everything else lost value. If he was fated to drown in its depths, then he refused to fight.

Endeavor walked into the room, much calmer after having defeated a number of low-level threats. Due to his dense demeanour, he could never understand what compelled Hawks, a far younger hero, to linger in his agency. It had certainly proven to be quite the commute from Fukuoka. He didn't catch the flicker of yearning in the other's eyes, as he gazed at you. Oh, how he longed to be that pen, lolling around on your tongue, or the words on that computer screen, making you giggle. Could he ever be someone to you? How did you view him? Were his flirtations paying off, or passing by unheeded?

The flaming gorilla of a man looked toward you, disapproving of the lack of effort you appeared to be displaying. In truth, you were halfway into a really saucy fanfiction, but the tabs required for work were still functional. You could switch over at any point, but this current read was of paramount importance. Endeavor was also apparently critical of the manner in which you were 'damaging office supplies', by coating them in saliva. You didn't care, and Hawks was relishing in the show, but your boss was hardly impressed.

This manifested into a grunt, before he started moving forward, muttering "Stop that."

It was nothing aggressive, but his already-thin patience was waning. Hawks was about to quip in with a teasing comment, possibly regarding the unintentionally-sensual pen-rolling, but you were more than capable of standing up to opposition.

"Request denied." You neglected to spare even a momentary glance, for the romance blossoming between your two favourite characters was simply too enticing.

"You can try for an appeal in four months."

The plumage sprouting from Hawks' back quivered, as a hearty laugh threatened to tear from his lungs. Oh, wait...nevermind. It was too late. He wasn't given the chance to contemplate whether his laughter was something you delighted in hearing. It wouldn't have usually burdened his mind so much, but recently, he had been coming to terms with the facts and fantasies of this as-yet unrequited love. If he ruined such golden opportunities as the universe seemed to serve upon a platter, he could never be forgiven. Once his outburst of hilarity had ended, he covered his mouth. Letting his eyes wander, he attempted to be discreet, but the blush that illuminated his cheeks when he found you watching him with a smitten smile...

...It was nothing if not overly-conspicuous.

You relieved all the aches and tension in his body, following an arduous day. So, it was no surprise that this separation was slowly eating away at him. Realistically, he could swoop into your apartment at any time, though that was a risk. Quarantine was a bitch, but you were respecting the rules, so why was he dangerously close to breaking them? Sure, it was kind of illegal now, but he wasn't exactly a stickler for the law, was he? You were both technically essential workers, however you lived apart - in different regions! What excuse could he concoct for if he was caught engaging in a discussion with you, or - gods forbid - hugging you? There was no doubt that he would fly the distance to gaze upon your majesty, but you were almost certain to maintain that six-foot gap.

That despicable rule. It made his stomach turn.

This was so frustrating! All he wanted was your comforting embrace, your warmth, your kisses...

Okay, so maybe that was a lot, but could you really blame him? The phone and video chats only staved off his desperate heart for so long. He was already beginning the descent into melancholy, thinking and speaking as though you had graduated from mortality. Could you feel how much he missed you, through the phone? Or did you need to see him in the flesh? He needed to see you, so very badly.

If this isolation continued for much longer, he would either grey from the stress, or bald from ripping out all of his hair.

A little pout settled on his lips.

What were you doing right now?

[Word Count: 1026]

[juiceboxman]

So I took Siobhan’s advice and listened to the BBC’s radio adaptation of the Lord of the Rings from the 80′s

It’s pretty good, you can listen to it here https://soundcloud.com/inkmore/sets/lord-of-the-rings-radio 

I had some issues with it but I liked it for the most part. I’m not a massive LoTR fan, only watched the films so I don’t know much, but here are the thoughts I had.

I once heard someone describe Hobbits and the Shire as “drama free people” after listening to this series, that’s obviously not the case. Hobbits seem to live for the drama, always talking shit behind one anothers back. I think Tolkien was trying to satirise rural or village life in England and I think he did a good job depicting how petty people can be.

Sam is a working class hero and Frodo doesn’t deserve him.

I understand how people can like Sam/Frodo because there is massive gay vibes coming off them. Personally I interpreted it to be unrequited and an example of some class division, with Sam being working class and Frodo being middle class. The amount of dedication and support Sam shows Frodo I don’t think Frodo would show back if the roles were reversed. I feel like its a very one sided relationship with Sam putting in way more effort than Frodo.

Bilbo’s whole thing seems to be that he went on a gap year once that turned out quite bad and now he kinda lives like a hermit.

I don’t know how reliable to the books the Radio series is, but I feel like the movies do more justice to stuff. Like in the Radio drama Gandalf makes his first appearance by just coming through the door and Bilbo is like “ah, Gandalf” and...that’s it. Movie version was better in my opinion.

I think the radio drama does a lot better to explain what the ring of power does than the movies. I always got confused by what the ring does, like in the movies all it seems to do is turn people invisible and make them into heroin addicts. With the radio I kinda understand more about it. Like the ring’s power kinda depends on the wearer, like a Hobbit could simply use it for invisibility and expanding their life force but a King could use it to control the minds of an entire enemy army and a Wizard could do even more. But it’s still vague and I presume Tolkien intended it to be, like it’s just a representation of the concept of power and this world’s equivalent of a deal with the devil. Power or wishes may be commanded but they will ultimately corrupt you.

Time in the books seem wild. Like at one point Gandalf says that Bilbo has gone off and he himself will start researching the ring and then twelve years go by and Frodo has just been fucking about, forgot that the ring even existed and Gandalf comes back and is like “oh yeah, ring is bad”

Also, Frodo is 50 when he leaves the shire???? Jesus 

Also, were the Nazgul just running about for 12 years looking for the ring? Like at one point the Nazgul knocked on some Hobbit’s door asking about Frodo and the Hobbit told him to go fuck himself and slammed a door- to a NAZGUL

Aragon’s voice in this radio drama is...way off. Like it sounds like Greg Davies. You don’t really have the soft voice of Viggo Mortinstein but the gruff righteous voice of the Principal from the Inbetweeners 

Elrond denying Aragon to marry his daughter until he becomes king of Gondor is like a stern dad refusing you to date his daughter until you get a real job.

Also Aragon gets the reforged sword, like, immediately when they leave Riverdale. Which is a bit weird to me.

It makes sense why Frodo is trusted with the ring. A king couldn’t be trusted because he’d use it for conquest. A Wizard could overthrow Sauron but in doing so would become just as bad so you’re back to square one. With a Hobbit, there is no desire for conquest or any wish for power outside of simply having the ring. Even when Golum had it all he used it for was to hunt fish and extend his life cycle. I’m curious of whether if Sam had carried the ring all the way to Mordor if he could will himself to destroy it or would he have failed like Frodo. 

Gimly and Legolas’ friendship is so cute. Like they start off disliking eachother but bond over their prowess in combat and plan out a gap year after the whole fellowship where they see the sights of middle earth. So wholesome

I don’t understand why they didn’t just kill Golum. Like I know he was important to find the way to Mordor and was ultimately necessary to destroy the ring after Frodo failed, but like the idea of “don’t kill him because of pity and he also probably has a part to play” is bullshit to me. Like he’s so gross and troublesome. It’s the same excuse Jedi have with “oh you can’t kill a Sith Lord because striking them down means you need to embrace the dark side” bitch Luke Skywalker round house kicked a guy into a Sarlack Pick- whaddya mean he can’t kill this wrinkly ass Emperor??? Ethical mental gymnastics are mind blowing.

For me the moment that made me really dig the series was when the Fellowship disbanded. Like shit hit the fan and everyone’s forced to do their own shit, really engaging storytelling.

The series is quite short when you consider all the battles are short cutted. Like in the radio drama you’ll hear a series of grunts for 30 seconds and then a song about how bad that battle was. I guess it would take a lot to depict a battle purely by means of audio.

Seriously the series is quite short, like it’s 13 hour long episodes and by episode five I’m like “oh shit we’re starting the second book already? Damn” It felt half the time there was so much stuff cut out I don’t know why

I think the radio drama is best suited for people who have either watched the movies or read the books. Like I don’t think it’s well suited for people who haven’t seen LoTR content before. Like the scene with the Balrog there is no description of what it looks like.

Also, Gandalf fought the Balrog from the deepest dungeons to the tip of the mountain? Damn, Gandalf’s leg day must be intense

I love the introduction of Treebeard and the Ents. Like you get this horrific imagery with warring Orcs and other evil creatures and then turn a hard 180 to these hilarious tree people. I guess that’s why the LoTR is so great. Because you do get those hard, gruesome battles but you also get these lovely peaceful wholesome scenes.

Quick question, how do you meet a guy called Saruman and then be surprised that he’s the bad guy? It’s the same deal with Victor VonDoom.

Also, did Tolkien have to have all the big villains names sound so similar?

Man, Tolkien loves having people end up together. With the Horse Princess who got friendzoned by Aragorn meeting up with that guy from Gondor. You love to see it

So like, was the King of Nazgul just talking shit or can he not be killed by a man? Like could anyone kill him by stabbing him the face or did the Horse Princess just find a loophole?

At one point this woman kinda makes fun of this flower called Kings Seed or some shit and Aragon basically calls her a THOT 

Kinda sad the series didn’t have more dragons. Like I would have liked to see a huge black dragon at the final battle at Mordor. But that’s just me, I love me some dragons

Also, the final battle at the gates of Mordor is so endearing. Like they don’t even know if Frodo and Sam are still alive but they go to war anyway because they believe they are and in doing so keep the eye of Sauron off of them. It’s really heart warming

The radio’s version of the destruction of the ring is kinda anticlimactic. Like I said it’s better with the dialogue than it is at the representation of physical actions like combat. Like if you didn’t know what happened at the end of the lord of the rings and you were listening to this you would have no idea that Golum fell into the lava with the ring 

I love the owner of the Prancing Pony’s reaction to Aragon becoming King of Gondor. It’s like “hey, remember that guy you saw shit in the woods that one time? Yeah he’s the President”

Also Sam’s Pony lives at the end of it. Love to see it. I feel like Tolkien read his first draft to his kids and they were like “what happened to Sam’s pony?” and he was like “uh, yeah, the pony....the pony lived! yes! the pony found its way back to town” you can tell this story is vibing on a different level than GoT or ACOC

Hobbits returning to the Shire fucking shit up like level 16 PCs returning to the town they started the campaign in

Also, all the Hobbits in the shire have no idea what the fuck went down? Like I understand they live in the middle or nowhere but that’s astounding 

It’s so funny what ends up happening to Saruman. Like he goes from being the second in command of the Dark Lord to being a shitty local businessman in a Village in Yorkshire

I can see how people can really get into the LotR. Like a world like GoT is just fucked beyond compare and any happy ending will be bittersweet at most. But here you have an ending where the characters leave the world better than when they found it

Frodo asking Sam to live with him was him totally trying to get with Sam, right? And Sam was like “oh that’s nice Frodo, but I have gf” and Frodo’s like “oh that’s alright, she can move in too!” it’s like watching a man back step his request for love by inviting a family into his home. You missed your shot Frodo! You had a whole year with Sam and you blew it!

Sam ultimately moving on from Frodo with his thicc Hobbit gf is the character development we deserved

That said, in the movies Sam getting a gf was a thing at the end of the third movie- like he’d been so shy before hand but after almost dying he’s like “fuck it, might as well give my shot” but here in radio drama he...had a gf all along? Like we only hear about her in the final episode and he’s like “oh yeah, my gf ain’t too happy. I left her for a year to fuck about with you so now I need to marry her. Woops” very startling

Also love how Tolkien represented PTSD with Frodo. I don’t think works of Fantasy like this before Tolkien really did this stuff justice. That said the ending is a bit weird. Like I understand that the “Undying Lands” are supposed to reflect Tolkien’s belief in Catholicism, Eternal Life and Heaven. But it’s really hard to not interpret the ending as Frodo as struggling to deal with his PTSD so he commits suicide. Because the Undying Lands is a place that Sam cannot follow. It’s heart breaking but that’s the vibe I got off the ending.

So yeah, there’s my thoughts. It’s pretty good but I’d only recommend the series to anyone who’s either seen the movies or read the books. If this was your first introduction to LOTR I don’t know if that would be any good. 

Also, while we’re here I recommend Escape from the Bloodkeep from Dimension 20. It’s  DnD actual play series that is a slight parody of LOTR. It’s really good.

[galexii]

Play Pretend pt. 5 [final]

Pairing: Hyunjin x female reader

Genre: FakeDating!AU (?), fluff, angst

A/N: Hello i’m back with the final chapter as promised! Thank you for being patient and thank you for the support throughout this series! i hope you enjoy it as much as i enjoyed writing it! i’ll see you in my next one. PS, i thought it would be appropriate to insert a different gif to celebrate the final chapter heh

Word count: 3k+

Ever since that day you ended your deal with Hyunjin, not surprisingly, within 24 hours, the news of you and Hyunjin breaking up had broken out in school. A bunch of crazy stories started going around about what had happened. Some say that you had seduced the other members of Stray Kids, while others say you had cheated on Hyunjin with the members, leading to your ‘breakup’. Of course, with such stories, people started calling you names like ‘Slut’ or ‘Bitch’ as you walk down the hallway.

It’s funny how wild some people’s imagination are and how people just spread baseless rumours like that. Just before this deal, you were known as the shy, quiet girl who is afraid to approach others. And now, you are suddenly a cheating slut who seduces her ‘boyfriend’s’ friends.  

But nothing was comparable to the emptiness in your heart. Hyunjin was no longer a part of your life, not even as a friend. You have lost it all. You have tried living your days as per normal before the deal was done, but you have lived in that fantasy for what felt like an eternity that you no longer remember (or don’t want to remember) what your daily routine was like without him around.

You would stare at your phone all day, waiting for messages from him, but to no avail. You would stay in the library till peak hours, waiting for Hyunjin to pick you up only to realise that he was never going to come. You would wait by your window, ready to have your daily heart to heart talk, only to realise that you would never have one with him again. Your feet would carry you to the Stray Kids’ practice room, ready to get another casual slow dance lesson with him, only to realise that you are no longer entitled to that. You also went back to relying on takeout for meals as you could no longer join Hyunjin for dinner at his place.

Reality hit you hard that Hyunjin and you were never going to happen and you wallowed yourself in sorrow, but good thing finals were near which served as a good source of distraction for you. Every day after classes, you go straight home to prevent yourself from subconsciously walking over to the library or practice room. You also avoided walking near the street where Hayley’s café was located at, to prevent any encounters with the group. At home, you had your curtains closed while you drown yourself in revision.

The efforts you put in to avoid Hyunjin and any memories of him really paid off. You managed to finish your examinations with minimal thought of Hyunjin. After the exam period was over, the memories one by one came flooding back. You stayed home most of the time. Chan and the boys would ask you to hang out with them, reassuring you that Hyunjin wouldn’t be there for the outing since they know you were still uncomfortable with it. But you would decline and turn to binge watching all the romcom available on Netflix, not wanting to go out and risk having to meet Hyunjin who lives next door.

A week or so went by and you hear your doorbell ring for the first time in a long time. You removed the blanket off your body and paused the movie, before getting up to answer the door. You peeped through the peephole and saw eight figures standing on the other side of the door. You threw the door open and was greeted with loud hellos and bags of food. You stepped aside and let the boys in.

“You look horrible,” Chan say as he passed you.

“Thanks,” you replied, shutting the door after all of them entered the house. You walked back into your living room to see unloading the food items from the bags onto your coffee table.

“Is that ‘To All the Boys I've Loved Before’?” Seungmin asked. You mumbled a quick yeah and sat down at your usual spot on the couch. “Why are you watching romance films when your heartbroken? Doesn’t it make you feel worse?”

“Yes Seungmin, it does. I enjoy torturing myself that way,” You said jokingly.

“Ten years of unrequited love must have been a huge catalyst.” He teased. You glared at him and picked up the remote to continue the movie.

“Your house is surprisingly clean. I expected it to be in a hot mess since you know…” Chan say, looking around.

“I may be upset but I’m not a slop, Channie. Anyways, why are you all here? It’s like 6pm. Don’t you all have to practice for your showcase?”

“Well, you wouldn’t come out to hang out with us so we came,” Felix smiled, passing you a plate with fried chicken on it. “Plus it’s fine skipping practice once in a while,”

“Especially when our friend is in need. We’re here to make sure you’re fine and cheer you up if you’re not,” Changbin added.

“With fried chicken?” you asked, surprised with their choice of comfort food.

“Fried chicken makes everything better,” Woojin chirped, flashing a quick thumbs up, causing you to break out a small smile.

“No hyung,” Jisung took the plate of chicken from you and passed you a plate of chocolate cake. “Scientist say chocolate helps to improve mood or at least that’s what Hayley said.”

“No offense to Hayley but chicken is the only way to go.” Woojin took the plate out of your hands and pointed to the plate of chicken in Jisung’s hand. “Give it back to her,”

Jisung refused and soon, both of them started arguing. Meanwhile, in front of them, the rest of the boys somehow managed to make a mess while unpacking. Drinks were spilt all over the living room floor, food were all over the table. You look over your shoulder to see Chan panicking, trying to resolve the argument while helping to clean up the mess.

Despite all the chaos, your heart grew warm. The boys went out their way, skipping practice, buying you all kind of comfort food and coming down all the way to your house just to make sure you were fine. Before the deal with Hyunjin, you never had any close friends except for Chan due to your quiet and shy nature. Hyunjin was the only reason why you managed to make friends. After the incident, they had the choice to leave, but they still stayed by you as friends and you couldn’t be more grateful for them.

Before you know it, tears began rolling down the contours of your cheeks. All the boys froze at the sudden outburst of emotion from you. You wipe the tears away and let out a little sigh. “You guys are a riot,” You smiled, “I never had friends like you guys before, caring for me… I’m so thankful.” You hear a wave of “aww” and received a few hugs from the boys.

“Let’s just clean up and start eating,” You say, feeling shy from all friendly love you received from the boys. You quickly texted Hayley to thank her for the cake before helping to clean up the mess. In no time, the mess was gone and you were all digging into the food while watching the movie you had on.

Just like every aftermath of a big eating session at your place, the sun had set and all the boys except Chan had either passed out on the floor or on the couch thanks to food coma, leaving the two of you to clean up the mess. You switched off the tv and went to the kitchen to get empty trash bags. You passed an empty bag to Chan and began cleaning the place up.

“Have you talked to Hyunjin yet?” Your heart thumps when Chan mentioned his name.

“No,” You muttered.

“Well, he’s been a wreck ever since y’all ended things. He seems to really miss you,”

“Is this a joke?” you scoffed. “He wanted to be with Amelie since day 1. He used me to make her jealous and get her back. I am pretty sure we did make her somewhat jealous and now that all the deal is over, he is free to be with her or he is already with her. But you’re telling me now that he misses me? Don’t lie to me, Chan.”

“Well, ‘wanted’ is the probably the right word to describe it.”

“I don’t understand,”

“Look, Y/N. I’m not Hyunjin so I can’t tell you how he truly feels, but what I know is that he has been absolutely miserable after that day you confessed and broke things off. And, no. He’s not with Amelie. In fact, he has been cooped up in the practice room since then. All he does is practice, and I haven’t seen him dance with the same smile or energy he used to carry with him.”

“Maybe he’s just tired,” You gulped.

“Y/N, really?”

“I know,” you sighed. No matter how hard or tiring practice gets, Hyunjin would always wear a smile and give it his best. He never dances without passion.

“You should go talk to him or something,” Chan say, tying up the trash bags. You took one from him and followed him out of the apartment to toss them.

“I don’t know, Chan. I just don’t think I’m ready for it,” You sigh, opening up the bin to throw the trash bags in. “I just don’t know how to face him after confessing my ten-year long love for him. I just can’t face him now.” You added and walked back in, head pounding against your skull. There was just too much going on your mind right now and you needed time to yourself to think.

You headed to kitchen to wash your hands with Chan following right behind you. You quietly tell Chan that you were going to get some rest and was about to return to your room to avoid any more conversations about Hyunjin when Chan placed his hand on your shoulder, stopping you. He turned you around to face him and sighed.

“I understand, Y/N. Before you do, I have something for you.” He pulled out a leather card holder with a lanyard attached to it and passed it to you. You peeked into the card holder and pulled out the contents.

“A backstage pass and a VIP ticket?”

“Yeah, it’s for our upcoming showcase at the performance centre next weekend.”

“I see,” You say, putting the stuff back into the holder. “Thanks for the pass and invite. I did hear that it was sold out really quick so it must have been hard for you to go out of your way to get one for me.” You smiled.

“Actually, it was Hyunjin.” Chan explained, “He was the one who requested them for you.” Your grip on the card holder tightens, smile fading from your face.

“He did….?” You asked. Chan nodded and gave you a light pat on the head.

“He said that it was probably the only way he could get to you or talk to you since you were avoiding him. So, think about it okay? I think he’s really sincere this time. Goodnight, Y/N.” He added before heading into the living room to join the boys. You went to your room and closed the door behind you. You placed the card holder on your desk and glanced at the curtained window.

Could it be true? Hyunjin really missed you and even went out of his way to get a pass and ticket just to talk to you? But, what if it was just miscommunication and Chan got the wrong message like before?

You crawled under your covers and sighed. A mixture of emotions filled your mind. You really wanted answers but you were so afraid of being hurt again. Your fragile heart wouldn’t be able to handle another rejection. Eventually, a wave of exhaustion washed over you as you knock out for night.

-

The day of the showcase rolled by quickly. After much dilemma, you have convinced yourself to attend the boys’ performance and face Hyunjin once and for all. You threw on one of your nicer dresses along with a long grey cardigan. You put on a pair of flats and headed to the performance centre. You handed over your ticket to the officer upon arrival and was ushered to a private area on the second level. Just as you took your seat, you felt a little buzz in your dress pocket. You fished out your phone and opened up the text message.

‘Remember to use your backstage pass after the show – Channie’

Before you could reply him, the lights dimmed and you put your phone away out of consideration for others. After a bit, the boys came running out from the side wings, wearing similar-looking leather outfits, and lined up in front of the audience.

“Step out!” Chan started off.

“Hello, we are Stray Kids!” The members cheered. Your eyes immediately wandered to Hyunjin and for a moment, your eyes met.

“Thank you everyone for coming today! We hope you enjoy the performance we have for you today! Let’s all have fun today!” You hear Chan’s voice echoed throughout the performance centre, allowing you to break eye contact with Hyunjin momentarily. The boys bowed, indicating the end of their introduction. They got into position and soon, the first song started to play. The boys performed song after song. Not long after, it was time for the final performance. The boys gathered on stage and stood in a line in front of the audience, just like how they did during the introduction, each holding a mic in their hand.  

“We’ve come to the final part of the showcase.” Chan announced, gaining a bunch of disappointed “aww” and “no” from the audience. “The last song we are going to sing is dedicated to a special someone.”

“Yes,” Hyunjin’s voice echoed throughout, capturing your attention. He turned towards your direction and your eyes met once again. “This special someone has been there for all of us, especially me. However, I didn’t cherish that special someone well enough and things happened. So, this song expresses our appreciation towards that person, and also how I truly feel. This song is dedicated to you.” He added, looking right at you as he said the last sentence. Your heart skipped a beat as blood rushed to your cheeks.

The music started to play and the boys took turns to sing their parts. You kept your eyes on Hyunjin who had his head down throughout the first verse, head bobbing to the soft beat. Going into the second verse, Hyunjin raised his mic and began rapping his verse.

You were there all along, waiting for me.

But I was too blind to realise, too blind to see.

Chasing memories, unable to let go,

which started this vicious cycle’s growth.

Dragging you in to play this game.

Not knowing how you felt that day.

Took you for granted, never think you would leave.

Till the day you decided to call it quits, to my disbelief.

I never knew how painful it was, how lost I would be,

Till the day I let you go, a stupid mistake it is.

Your absence had made me realise.

That without you, something’s just isn’t right.

With you, it had always been sunshine for days.

Now, it’s just nothing but rain.

I still regret not chasing you that very day.

Regretting not taking the chance to ask you to stay.

I can only pray that it’s not too late.

To make a difference, to make a change.

Cross my heart, to god I pray,

Please say that you’ll stay.

Your heart swelled after hearing his verse and tears began to form, trickling down your cheeks, staining them. You wiped them away with your cardigan sleeve, taking in all of Hyunjin’s words. When the song ended, the boys took a bow as applause started to fill the hall. You joined in and clapped along. The boys said their goodbyes and left the stage, cuing you to run to the toilet to wash your face before going to the backstage to find the boys. You handed the one of the staff your pass and was shown the way to the boys’ dressing room. You thanked the staff, mustered up your courage and gently knocked on the door. The door flew open and Chan greeted you with a smile.

“Y/N! You’re here. The woman of the hour,” He opened the door wider for you to step inside. The moment you were in the room, all the boys except Hyunjin headed out. “I believe you two have many things to talk about, so we aren’t gonna interrupt you. Take your time.” Chan grinned, closing the door behind him, leaving you and Hyunjin alone in the dressing room. Hyunjin patted the space next to him on the couch and you shuffled over to sit next to him. You look down at your hands, fiddling with your thumbs, not knowing what to say or do as awkward silence filled the room. You haven’t spoken to him or been in the same room with him for such a long time that you forgot how to function.

“Thanks for coming,” You hear him say, breaking the silence.

“O-oh yeah, no problem.”

“Erm, what do you think of the last song we did?”

“I thought it was a very touching song,” you smiled, remembering the lyrics.

“It was dedicated to you. I wrote the rap myself.”

“You did?” You looked up from your hands and faced him.

“Yeah, I meant everything I said on stage.” He smiled, putting his hands on yours. The sudden contact made blood rushed to your face, reddening your cheeks and ears.

“I thought you would go after Amelie, since it was your goal then.”

“After you ended things, I did try approaching Amelie. But, being with her felt so weird. I didn’t experience any sparks or joy while being with her. Surprisingly, I found myself looking back and remembering the time we spent together when we were a fake couple. I realised I was a lot happier with you and I may have actually fallen in love with you without myself knowing during that period of time.” He confessed. You could hear the sincerity in his voice, so you knew he couldn’t be lying.

“So you decided to tell me through a song?”

“I didn’t know I would go about approaching you, but you were also avoiding me so I couldn’t get to you. Chan advised me to use this opportunity to talk to you since you would come to support Stray Kids anyways.”

“Sorry, I just assumed you wanted me out of your life so Amelie could be in the picture.”

“No, it’s alright. I am sorry I put you through that, but again, I want you to know that I am sincere. I meant every single word I said earlier.” He gave your hands a little squeeze. “Y/N, I love you.”

“Hyunjin, I –“

“I understand if you don’t feel the same way or is not able to respond to my feelings because of what I have put you through. I just wanted to let you know I feel,” Hyunjin cut you off and began to babble off. You released your hands from his grip and cupped his face, gaining his full attention.

“Hyunjin! I love you too,”

“You do?”

“I always have and I still do,” You released your hands from his face. He immediately pull you into his arms and embraced you. His warmth and familiar, comforting scent surrounded you, enveloping you in bliss. He released his hold lightly and lifted your chin slightly.

“May I?” You nodded in reply. His lips meet yours, skin tingling at the short period of contact. “I love you,” He say again, upon breaking the contact.

“I love you too,” You leaned in, ready for another kiss when the door flew open. The boys piled in, causing you two to jump away from each other.

“I TOLD YOU THEY WERE KISSING!” The maknae screamed. Chan immediately intervened and covered his mouth. A topless Jisung approached you two. Hyunjin proceeded to cover your eyes with his hand, making you giggle.

“I know you are all about that PG life and I ain’t gonna seduce your girlfriend man. I just left my clean shirt there,” You hear Jisung complain. After 5 minutes, Hyunjin removed his hand from your face and Jisung’s torso was covered. The other boys were rummaging through lockers and drawers.

“Heh… Sorry, we just needed to grab some things. Don’t mind us, please continue.” Chan said sheepishly, rushing everyone out of the room.

“What a riot,” You laughed. Hyunjin laughed along with you, with his arm around your waist, holding you tight. “No more games right?” You asked, just to clarify.

“No more game of play pretend. It’s the real deal from now,”

[misssunflowersandsangria]

Roses

Chapter 2- Yellow Roses

Hello lovely readers!  The first chapter was posted in my ficlet collection for SaiIno Week.  I'm excited to continue the story.  I hope that you enjoy it. A few notes, it does feature a professor/student relationship but they are of age.  They also have a history that I'll explore as the story continues. Also, some of the future chapters will contain smut (I've been wanting to write some for them for a while now... hehe...) I’ll let you know when it starts.  Each chapter will have some sort of flashback to give you some insight into their past relationship.

I hope you enjoy! 

Summary:  They had history, but their lives and paths took them from each other.  Now, they had to face this new reality and change in their relationship.  

Yellow Roses:  The symbol of a yellow rose represents friendship, joy and caring. These beautiful sun-colored roses can also convey warmth, delight, gladness, and affection, as well as say good luck, welcome back, and remember me. 

Chapter 2- Yellow Roses

Flashback

“Sai….” He grinned to himself knowing that voice, she wanted something.  He looked at Ino amused as she flopped onto his bed.

“Yes?”

“Do my art homework work for me, it’s hard and it keeps coming out looking terrible.”  He smiled at her attempt to draw a fruit bowl.

“You’re right it does look terrible.”

She pouted snatching the paper away. “Hey be nice!”

“I’m always nice to you. Come here, I’m not going to do it for you but I’ll help.”  Her eyes brightened in the way that he loved as she placed herself in his lap. She’d always been affectionate towards him that even now this wasn’t out of the ordinary. Other than the fact that his poor heart was going to beat out of his chest. 

Taking a fresh sheet of paper and a pencil he placed his warm hand over hers to draw quick simple strokes.

“What are you going to do without me?” 

“As if you’d ever leave me!” She replied with a laugh. 

“I told you when we were five-“

“Yes, I know. I’m yours and you’re mine.”  He cut her off repeating their well-known agreement. Her eyes sparkled at the words. 

“Exactly.” She replied leaning back to rest her head against his shoulder. 

“Come on no sleeping let’s finish this.”

“Oh, Sai let’s not pretend that you’re not doing all the work.”  She smiled amused while he shook his head and nodded. His Ino was able to convince him to do anything. 

“You’re annoying.”

“I love you too.”

 End Flashback

 “It’s not that funny”. They all paused before they continued to laugh.

“Girls! Help me.” Ino begged frustrated. She’d gone to Shikamaru and Temari’s place hoping for some advice or comfort. Chouji and Karui had come along as well because since they’d been kids everything they did was as a group.  Instead of any kind of sympathy, they found her situation hilarious. 

Temari took a deep breath trying to focus. “Fine, what’s the problem exactly?  You were friends and now he’s your teacher, it's not a big deal.”

“Except for her massive crush on him.”

She glared in Shikamaru’s direction. “Shut up! I don’t have a crush on him.” 

“Please you’re a sucker for those sad puppy dog eyes. You have been since we were kids. You still like him.”  Shikamaru replied in that same know it all drawl that she hated so much. 

She wanted to tell him to fuck off and that he was wrong but it wasn’t worth it. He’d known her for too long and about her embarrassing life long crush. 

“Why did you wait so long to take art? I told you, you should have taken it when we were freshmen.” 

“I had my reasons!”  She yelled causing Chouji to scatter the bag of chips. 

“It’s pretty hot if you ask me.  Schoolgirl, hot older teacher.” Karui shrugged. These were the exact thoughts she was trying to avoid. 

“Okay keep your fantasies to yourself please. This isn’t that at all, and he’s our age.  Besides, he's too good and pure to even see me as anything more than the little girl that would follow him around all the time.” Unrequited love was a bitch.  He still hadn’t contacted her and it had been days. He was avoiding her. 

Shikamaru sighed. Did she seriously not realize how much Sai adored her. They were both so clueless and yet they judged his love life. “Look the way I see it crush or not you need this class and he’s a good teacher. Get through the semester then figure out whatever the hell the rest of this is.  Don’t complicate it more than it already is.” 

Ino just sighed but nodded. As much as she may still have feelings for him and how devastatingly handsome he’d become she couldn’t do anything. She’d never want to put his career in jeopardy. She always supported him that’s just what she did but her heart wanted so much more. How was she expected to just be in class with him all semester and act as if everything was fine?  And pretend that he wasn’t a ‘hot older teacher’ as Karui described and as she’d heard a lot of her classmates say. Damn it! He was hers first! 

Unbeknownst to her, Sai was also seeking advice from his childhood friends. 

“You can’t avoid her forever.” 

“I’m not going to avoid her, she’s my student and I will treat her as such.” The individuals in the room just stared back unconvinced. 

“Are you really okay with that?”  They were all friends but he had an obvious soft spot for the blonde. 

“I have to be.” 

Sakura chewed on her bottom lip annoyed. If they would just talk to each other they could move on from this mutual pining bull shit. 

“Sai, we’re happy you’re back but you need to talk to her otherwise you’ll both be miserable. Just a conversation, she deserves at least that.”   Sai was surprised at the blonde’s insight. They’d all grown up while he was touring the world. When they were younger they’d been his safety net, they gave him a sense of home and belonging. He kept up with them as best he could while he was gone but they still grew distant. Still, though being together like this as a group, it was like nothing had changed. 

He wasn’t avoiding Ino per se he just honestly didn’t know what to do. He struggled most of his life with his emotions and now being here they were even more out of control. He was thankful that his friends were willing to help him but their advice was obvious and rational. He wasn’t looking for that. He knew he needed to talk to her and probably more than once but what do you say to the woman that you loved and haven’t seen in years?

*

**

Instead of addressing it he took the cowards way out and didn’t see her till class the following week. She was there on time towards the back. She smiled while she sent him a small wave and he just nodded before turning away. He felt his cheeks flush, she always did look incredible in purple even more so now. She still loved those damn shirts that showed off curves and skin. 

The content for the day was easy enough as he began to assess all their initial skills and knowledge. It was as expected that most everyone was there as a requirement but some students showed potential. And Ino, well she tried. When they were younger she’d complain about how he had taken all the artistic skills that none was left for her. What she lacked in technique though she made up in effort and her ability to arrange colors in aesthetically appealing ways. This was from her experience working in her family’s flower shop. She had an eye for beauty. 

He smiled at her work and left an encouraging note in the corner. He’d managed to keep his normal persona never lingering or staring at her more than usual, but his body was hyper attuned to the fact that she was there. She had a habit of playing with her hair and he had to physically stop from doing it himself. 

 “Come in.” He responded to the knock at his office door. He had office hours available so he was waiting for any students that may need some help. 

Roses, he looked up as she sat in the chair across from his desk trying not to stare as she crossed her legs. 

“Ino.”

“We need to talk.”

He nodded solemnly.  “I know.”

“How long have you been back for?”

“Start of Spring?”

Her eyes widened hurt that he hadn’t tried to contact her earlier. “Why didn’t you let me know?”

“I...I don’t know..” 

“So where do we go from here?” 

“You’re my student. I will help you pass this class and we move on.”  He replied simply. 

“That’s it? That’s all you have to say to me?”  Her voice was starting to rise the way that it always did when she was upset. 

“What more do you want from me?”

“Is it so wrong for me to want some answers from the person that was my best friend, that left for years only to see him again as my teacher.  We made promises to each other when we were younger. Does that mean nothing to you? What the hell Sai!?” She stood up slamming her hands on his desk. 

He stood up calmly meeting her intense gaze. “We’re not going to have this conversation here.”

She threw her hands up in frustration. “Oh, you’re right. Nothing is more important than this job, even me. Fine, I’m sorry Professor I’ll be leaving now.” 

“Ino, please.”

“No, I get it. Just ignore me, forget whatever the hell we had. I’ll be the perfect student and leave you alone.”  He winced after the door slammed behind her. 

This wasn’t how he wanted the conversation to go, she didn’t deserve that from him.  Regardless of who they were now, she had always been there for him and she needed more than what he’d given her.  He’d lost her once, he didn’t know if he could lose her again. 

 Ino walked through the campus in disbelief at how he had treated her. She understood not wanting to cross professional lines but it wasn’t like she tried to seduce him into giving her a passing grade. She just wanted to talk. Why was he acting like this? 

She looked down at her phone seeing a notification for a text from an unknown number. 

‘I’m sorry.’ 

She wanted to ignore it, knowing that if she did it would really solidify that they were no longer anything to each other. But, she didn’t want that, she wanted him still. If it had to be like this it would be enough for now. 

‘Let’s really talk tonight, our old coffee shop.’

‘I’ll be there.’ 

Ino stared up at the sky hating that her heart lightened a little knowing that she was going to see him. 

They were right, she was always weak when it came to him. 

Today was a tough day for me and alot of people.  Writing is a great escape. If this helped you disconnect for just a little I'm thankful.  Hug everyone you love a little tighter tonight.  If no one has told you today I love you and I'm happy that you're here.

*Till the next one

Roses:

Chapter 1: Roses

Chapter 2: Yellow Roses 

[bigfrakkingheroes]

Love Sick | Richie/Eddie | R: M

It’s finally complete! Richie/Eddie multi-chapter fic for y’all.

Includes...

- AU where Richie lives! - Married!Eddie having an affair with Richie - Sooo much hypochondria  - Bisexual Ben? Because sure why not. - Slow burn + lots o’ pining - Um. Maybe orgy? I swear it made sense at the time.

Click here to read more!

The clown was dead. But things weren’t perfect. Not right away, anyway.

Richie goes back to the rubble, where he finds Eddie. Barely alive. Covered in blood and dust. But a pulse. Still breathing.

He carries the limp man—somehow—to his car and drives him to the Derry hospital.

They cart him away, ask Richie questions he doesn’t have the answer to, like: friend or family?

What does 27+ years of unrequited love get you?

48 hours later, they let him visit. Eddie is stable. Conscious. Barely. “Dude,” he says, his eyes half-lidded, his face pale but at least he’s got some color in them now. “Is this sanitary?”

He’s lifting his arm with the IV attached to his blood bag.

“You’re in a hospital, dipshit. So. Yeah.”

“Man, fuck you!”

“Fuck you more, Eddie.”

Eddie’s eyes soften. Like a basset hound. “Richie…”

The way he says his name makes Richie’s heart clench. “What’s up?”

“You saved my life.”

Words feel like a balloon in Richie’s throat, growing, swelling, until it hurts not to say it.

He’s going to say it. He’s going to tell him.

“Ed—”

“Eddiebear!”

The woman who flings the door open and swoops in nearly gives Richie a heart attack because, for a moment, he swears its Ms. Fucking Kaspbrak.

She’s pink as cotton candy, flapping her arms around Eddie.

“Myra—” Eddie says it in a groan.

Right. The wife. Fucking. Wife.

“Are you okay? What did they do to you?” She’s fluffing his pillow, repositioning him to sit up, and Richie wants to scream at her: don’t touch him, you ugly bitch! He just got fucking stabbed!

But Eddie goes docile. Like a kitten drunk on warm milk. Glassy eyed and pampered. Letting her fuss over him. It makes Richie’s stomach churn.

Worse, he thinks, is the fact that he wants to be the one fawning over Eddie. Taking care of him. Feeding his sick little pity-fantasies, if that’s what it takes to get his dick hard.

Richie stands. Clears his throat. “You need anything?”

Not like he’s been sleeping in the waiting room for two fucking days. Not like he’s the one who’s been here, hanging on the doctor’s every word.

“We’re fine,” she says.

Coughing up the hairball of a memory—Eddie in the hospital with his broken arm, his mother, the fire-breathing hell-bitch, snarling at Richie to leave, that Eddie didn’t want to see him.

Richie pretends like he doesn’t hear the new whore in Eddie’s life. He’s looking at Eddie. He’s not leaving until the man speaks for himself.

Eddie’s eyes finally find Richie again. They look droopy. Almost ashamed. Weak smile. “It’s okay. Thanks, Rich.”

Richie is pissed, so fucking pissed when he leaves the hospital, but some demons can’t be pulled out by the still-beating heart.

Click here to read more!

[stephicness]

Fashion Fantasy XV -- FFXV x Fashion Industry Headcanons (Part 2)

Because why not have some more self-indulgent Fashion Industry AU headcanons? C: Especially after talking with @birdsandivory about the universe more and shaping it up. Aaaaah~ I really love this AU, yo.

HAVE PART ONE RIGHT HERE!

Cor Leonis

A fashion legend known as Cor the Immortal.

He’s been modeling for InsomniaC for who knows how long?

Trained under alot of people, but their careers are unfortunately dead. The only one with his career left is him.

Probably because he was modeling around the time the famous model, Gilgamesh, was during his reign on stage.

You think that Cor’s called the Immortal because he’s been doing his job for thirty years, right?

Not really.

He’s called the Immortal because this nerd keeps falling off the goddamn stage.

Does he not look where he’s going? Are the heels he keeps insisting on wearing on his shoes too much? Nobody knows.

So he’s called the Immortal because he once fell off a ten foot stage and was totally okay afterwards.

Has a self-proclaimed rival in the industry, but his rival’s just a peanut, so Cor doesn’t worry much about him.

Aranea Highwind

You figured she’d be a model, but bitch, she knows she’s model material. She just doesn’t have the patience to deal with people telling her what to do.

Decide that she’d rather do people’s hair instead of model for them.

Will style you hair however the hell she damn-well pleases to. You get no say.

If she thinks that curls will look cute, you’re getting curls. If you’d look better with blond-hair? Guess what, you’re a blond now.

Almost as scary as the editor, Ardyn, perhaps even scarier because even Ardyn won’t tell her no.

So poor Gladiolus once ended up with bows in his hair for a military clothing photoshoot, just because Aranea thought it’d be fun that day.

It was a remarkably successful shoot, with the campaign for the line being that ‘anyone can look tough.’

Gladiolus got alot of shit for it, but he had to admit, the barrettes kept the hair out of his eyes.

See? She knows what she’s doing!

Works closely with Hammerhead Studios and their make-up artist, mostly because they pay her well and she thinks the artist is really cute.

Cindy Aurum

The best make-up artist as Hammerhead Studios, often contracted by InsomaniC to come do the models’ make-up.

She actually is a monster movie make-up artist and specializes in fabrication and building crazy make-up prosthetics, but she’s really good at doing beauty make-up too.

Can look at you and immediately know how to make you look beautiful.

And feel beautiful too. She’ll shower the models with compliments left and right.

Will always end up with make-up and stuff on her face too. How? No idea.

Will always show up to work wearing brightly colored pantsuits.

Because the first time she showed up, she was in a crop-top and booty shorts, and everyone was getting on her case about it.

Pantsuits are okay though, even if she still wears just her bra underneath her coat.

Her boobs will be in your face as she’s doing your make-up.

Not that anyone really complains though.

Dino Ghiranze

A writer for InsomaniC, and probably the one who hates his job the most.

He’d rather be designing his own line of accessories, but noooooo.

He’s gotta write if he wants to pay his bills. And mostly because the editor’s too scary to give his two-weeks notice to.

Last time he tries to, the editor burned it in front of Dino and told him to get back to work.

Is that even legal???

He also likes to hit on people more than he likes to work.

Will probably hit on anything that moves: guys, girls, one time called Ravus’s dog a beauty.

But all dogs are beautiful, so that didn’t count.

Has a very well-known hand fetish.

He creeps Ravus out in particular because of that prosthetic hand of his. Please stay away from it, Dino.

Nyx Ulric

Is a model, but only really models because it pays the bills.

Started as a bodyguard for the company before being asked specifically by the CEO to model for a shoot.

He wasn’t really too happy about it, but he got to keep the clothes he modeled in.

He cried a bit to himself because holy shit, he could actually get nice clothing now. 

Literally lives in a box full of beer bottles and dust. So modeling gives him nice things for the box.

Comes close with Gladiolus as the sexiest man in the industry. But since he’s a newbie at modeling, he’s not acknowledged much.

That’s okay though. He’d rather just stick to being a bodyguard.

Especially since the stalking issue happened with Ignis.

He does model from time to time, but only for his friend’s line of clothing.

Because he knows they’ll be comfortable, and he won’t have to wear another suit with pants that ride-up his butt.

Gentiana

One of the Six people known as InsomniaC’s Old Fashion Dynasty. One of two still active in terms of modeling too.

She’s an older woman, but she doesn’t look a day over thirty.

Ardyn’s jealous of it and makes it his point to always point out just how old she is.

She ignores him though because he wishes he looked as good as she did.

Trained in France initially, and uses her first name only as her stage-name. Screw the last name.

Will whoo all of the ladies with her Frenchiana skills.

Especially Lunafreya, even if it always goes over her head.

Takes Lunafreya out on ‘dates’ alot, but Luna only sees it as friendly outings.

Gentiana cries a little inside.

Is in a relationship with a guy named Indra Agni Ifrit. Mostly to hide the fact that both of them are pretty gay.

Indra Agni Ifrit

Another one of people from the Old Fashion Dynasty. He’s the only other person who still models actively with Gentiana.

He does alot of model work with Gentiana, especially for those fancy perfume commercials.

Is flaming gay. (Aaaaaye!)

He supposedly hides it in the public eye, mostly so the advertisements he models for isn’t as weird, but he’s pretty open about it to others in the company.

Ardyn has a serious thing for Ifrit, and so the two have flings alot, but Ifrit only does it so he won’t lose his job or his reputation.

Often has shoots oriented around the themes of fire and flame, which got him the reputation as Ifrit, the Fire God.

Is temperamental as hell, and is often seen screaming to his manager, Ramuh, about the dumbest things.

Is really shorter than he looks in his pictures, mostly because he’s standing on boxes or has lifts in his shoes.

“That just means I’m closer to hell, where I belong~”

Has an unrequited love for E.J. Bahamut, so much so that he even became Bahamut’s model exclusively until Ardyn butt into his business.

Eleazar James Bahamut

A retired model from the Old Fashion Dynasty, and one of the most successful models in InsomniaC’s history.

Was the reigning champion for the title of the industry’s Sexiest Man.

He had to let go of the title because he was okay with winning it for five years running.

After his retirement, he began to dedicate himself to designing clothing.

Would rather admire those in his works than to actually model them himself.

A goddamn behemoth of a man, almost as tall as Gladio and as skinny as Ravus.

Is in a grudge war with Ardyn, because it was Ardyn who was supposed to be InsomniaC’s best model, not Bahamut.

Is never seen wearing something that isn’t a suit. Even when he’s trying to be casual.

Very rarely models anymore, but sometimes makes a comeback when modeling to promote his Astral line of clothing.

Has an unrequited love for Ifrit, but refused to tell him even after having had a one-night stand with him. He’s too busy for love, unfortunately.

[alphanyawa]

I know a lot of the times we talk about the Fuck-boy. The reality is Mr Nice Guy or the Good guy is a bigger Fuck-boy, because he pretends that he is different from the guy he loathes so much. You can find the Nice Guy in your local church, library, and supermarket and in the friend zone.

Now let me explain because I’m tired of women being given a bad rep because we have an attraction to bad boys. The reason women are enthralled by the bad boy archetype is, because he presences a mental challenge. This is what they good guy has yet to figure out. Chris Rock was right, Women don’t want a boring guy.

At least with a fuck-boy you know what you are getting yourself into, his character pretty much speaks for him. He is straightforward generally if he is highly evolved in his toxicity 😂 Nice/ Good Guys think that because they treat women with basic human decency that they deserve to have a girlfriend.

They act according to what I’m coining as the “Pendulum effect.” BD ©️ 2019

 I use this to describe the fact that they swing between covert narcissism and an inferiority complex. Nice guys have no drive. They are too afraid to be themselves that’s why they are nice. We need real.

Lets Adapt this to, When a man can’t show who he is, Leave him…..  

Because when you find out the truth later it might be too late.

– Batisse Dionysus

Fuck-boys and Nice Guys are the same to be honest. They can both treat you well but emotionally it’s the same they are detached. They both operate from a lack of self-love. Fuck boys are generally hyper masculine, whilst nice guys embody hypo- masculinity. Both are toxic because they cause an imbalance

Nice Guys think that because they treat women with human decency that they deserve to have a girlfriend. They are always mad at women for liking “bad boys” seeing as they are so good.

That’s covert Narcissism at its finest. It is then coupled with Inferiority complex because they don’t have the drive to chase a woman that will actually like them back, they look for the unattainable and when they get rejected they are in their feels.

They normally complain of the friend zone and blame women, instead of recognising their own shortcomings as to why the object of their affections wasn’t attracted in the first place. They don’t see what we see in the bad boy. And what we see is an experience, fun, excitement, adventure and the inevitable throes of the ultimate fantasy, a bad guy that is willing to be good for you. It might be a dream, but in that we obtain a level of real that the Nice Guy is afraid to show.

A bad guy presents a mental challenge and keeps the sexual tension. It is the these two things that keep us addicted to them will show you his worst self and leave it up to deduce whether he’s with the trouble. He might even warn you. But generally they have an awareness of a woman’s vulnerability, they protect us.

A good guy acts more like a mother/father you replace the romantic love with a familiar love and who wants to have sex with their parent..?

Good guys can be the worst because they feel like they deserve a girl based of the fact that they treat people with basic human decency,

Overall in my opinion the nice guy is a Fuck-boy that has yet to evolve, he just needs that one certified heartbreak to begin his evolution process.

The Charms of the Unavailable

Good guys tend to look for a lover that lives far away. This may be emotionally, mentally, spiritually as well as physically. They look for an external obstacle to love, this makes the desire more intense. The love will not be strong in spite of the challenges it just feels like it is, because it’s on a superficial, chatty level. The love feels strong because it’s not real. It is unrequited or incomplete. Defences are weakened because subconsciously they have made sure that they cannot disappoint or be disappointed so they pick a situation which prevents real love.

I remember when I was caught between two good guys, my boyfriend at the time was focused on courtship for marriage. I was literally 20 years old. In this same way I had also picked a situation blocking real love so that I could have control. I allowed myself to settle due to loneliness. I was not yet aware to the subconscious patterns that were causing me to sabotage myself.

Instead of being in the present he was fast forwarding to a future I hadn’t even considered. The more he impressed marriage to me the more I wanted to escape. He was one of those church boys. Mountain of Fire, boy do I know how to pick them. So in his mind he had an unrealistic vision of our future.

At the time I had a friend he was a DJ so we connected on our mutual desire for music, and we were both from the same country so there was a healthy connection with good conversation and laughter. He was a friend nothing more I saw him as a brother. I even told him this. I wasn’t physically attracted to him. He knew I had a boyfriend, but as the course of my relationship got difficult I would find myself looking for refuge in him. I never complained about my man to him, but when I saw him calling me at inappropriate times, and I would ignore my boyfriend’s calls to Face-Time him.

We were friends for a good while, but I broke it off after he said to me

“These Twitter guys ain’t gonna love you” “I’m gonna love you” Pathetic!!!  He tried to manipulate me into loving him. There is no true love here, no risk. In his attempt tell me he wanted to love me. He tried to manipulate me. He knew that I was too good for him and deep down he would rather be in control of a sad situation than half out of control of a happy one.  The worst part is he is worse that the twitter guys he’s accusing me of wanting attention from.

He like many other good guys due to subconscious self-sabotage maybe stemming from a parent leaving us or humiliating us unaware of the pattern still operate from that lack of self-love.

Ultimately I broke up with my good guy boyfriend, because he was talking to a woman in his phone saved in his phone as heartless bitch. I didn’t go through his phone I saw it when we were in the cinema. He was right because I told him after I saw it I told him to jump in the river, and the saddest thing is he was ready to do it. Plot twist, the Heartless Bitch I broke up with him over was me the whole time.

It was me his girlfriend he had saved as Heartless bitch. And again plot twist, he made a fake Instagram account 2 years later and posed as his best friend to tell me this. What he was gaining from this I don’t know. A man would have communicated him feeling towards me. But him believing he’s a good guy he’s the victim, and I am the villain in his story he cannot take responsibility for his actions. He is the good guy remember.

Our defences are the key to our self-confidence

The key to love is a mutual risk that we can both enjoy, accept falling in love with someone who loves us and enjoys seeing us all of the time.

The absence of risk is what loosens hearts.

Batisse Dionysus 

The Nice/ Good Guy I know a lot of the times we talk about the Fuck-boy. The reality is Mr Nice Guy or the Good guy is a bigger Fuck-boy, because he pretends that he is different from the guy he loathes so much.

[therealdragonnerdagain]

I Still Hate Jorah

I'm thinking about creating a Game of Thrones blogspot.

But since this is the last season of the show, I'll just post my thoughts here, and then when GoT is over, I'll finally have no more use for this blog and maybe I'll deactivate it.

So.

After telling myself I wouldn't, I finally watched the first two episodes of Game of Thrones.

I've always kinda hated Jorah's character (and here are some people who agree with me -- yay! validation!). He's an ex-slaver who is creeping on a woman (Dany) who is less than half his age because she reminds him of his dead wife and at the same time, is everything he aspires to be: a “good” person who hates slavery (except hating slavery doesn’t make you objectively good).

Jorah is, in reality, the same as Little Finger. He's just not as up-front skeevy as Little Finger and instead, his obsession (not love for) with someone less than half his age is romanticized by his knight-in-shining-armor schtick.

Jorah is an excellent subversion of the knight in shining armor trope. He is actually *not* honorable, which is why the Starks hated him. And he's full of so much self-loathing that he was willing to do anything his wife asked to keep her rich -- even if it meant supporting the slave trade -- because earning his wife's affections was more important than thousands of lives.

Jorah winds up losing his wife and sees Dany as her replacement, yet another woman he can use to try and find some self-worth. He thinks that by following Dany, he can become a good person through her deeds.

He doesn't "love" Dany. This is not a case of unrequited love. This is obsession. Because when you truly love someone, you respect their wishes. Dany has asked Jorah again and again to back off, but he doesn't. That is not respect.

In fact, we in our moderan age would call it stalking.

On top of that, Jorah takes steps to isolate Dany emotionally so that he can control her. This was prevalent in the earlier seasons. I honestly believe that if Dany hadn't reminded him so much of his wife and hadn’t seemed like someone he could control through vulnerability, he would not have stopped the assassin from poisoning her.

My examination of Jorah has led me to love Dany and respect her more as a character -- which is hilarious because I mostly used this blog to complain about how poorly D&D presented her.

I respect Dany more now because it occurred to me yesterday that she has always, always stood up to Jorah and resisted his manipulations, the same as Sansa has always stood up to Little Finger and even turned his own manipulations against him. 

So it was particularly crushing to have Dany take pity on someone who attempted to emotionally manipulate her by telling him to go and cure himself. She was right to exile Jorah in the first place, and I think her pity for Jorah is just a part of her personality: she is a compassionate individual to a lot of the wrong people (the witch who killed her husband and son, for instance) and this is one of her many flaws. 

And yes. It's good that she has flaws -- I’m not saying it’s bad. As a writer myself, I understand that her flaws make her relatable.

As I said, Jorah made me appreciate her character more than ever now.

People often wonder why Jorah exists. He exists to highlight Dany's weaknesses and strengths and better define her as a character. Jorah is, in essence, Dany's foil, a person who is deeply flawed and trying to redeem himself for all the wrong reasons.

Jorah is just as bad as Little Finger. The only difference between them is that Little Finger fully embraces being an asshole and doing whatever he must to get his way in the end.

Little Finger also emotionally isolated Sansa so that he could control her. And the only reason Little Finger saved Jon in the Battle of Bastards -- the only reason -- was to win Sansa's affections in some skeevy hope that she would drop her knickers.

When Sansa became frustrated that Jon wouldn't listen to her, Little Finger assumed she was sad and thus emotionally vulnerable and made some disgusting attempt to bed her yet again. He is a classic example of a misogynist who doesn't see women as people but as fantasy fulfillments and goals, things to be won and gotten through manipulation.

Sansa represents her mother and the one woman who got away. Little Finger is so obsessed with always getting his way that he will not rest until he has Sansa, who "looks so much like her mother."

There was nothing so satisfying as seeing Alistair Jon Snow slam Little Finger into the wall. I only hope that something bad isn't about to happen to Sansa (again) because it seems as if Little Finger might think Sansa complained to her big "brother" about him and is planning some counter attack. He gave Sansa a very curious look at the end of Ep 2 that worries me.

I also find it troubling that people want Brienne to be with Tormund.

Why?

Brienne is clearly not interested in Tormund. Tormund knows this, so he hasn't made a move beyond some skeevy background leering that would amount to sexual harassment if Brienne were more annoyed by it.

I thought the writers tried to make it clear that Tormund's affections were unwanted when they showed Tormund and Little Finger both harassing the objects (used sarcastically) of their desire at the same time in the courtyard: while Tormund is ogling Brienne and obnoxiously wagging his eyebrows, Little Finger is up on the balcony trying to get into Sansa's pants.

Both women are clearly uninterested, yet these men carry on. It's . . . gross.

To be honest, I find Tormund's situation more hilarious and more of an unrequited “love” than Jorah's fucking behavior. Tormund's harassment is played up for laughs because Brienne is supposed to be ugly (and I admit I do find it funny) but at the same time . . . harassment is still harassment, no matter how “unattractive” the woman (Brienne on the show is not even fucking ugly!).

A man doesn't have to put his hands on you to be harassing you. Publicly leering and saying sexual things is -- gasp! -- harassment!

Tormund hasn't gone far enough that he's remotely as bad as Jorah and Little Finger. That's not what I'm saying.

I'm saying that Tormund seems to be used by the writers as a foil to show that there's a line. Tormund hasn't crossed it yet -- Brienne isn't offended by his behavior yet -- but Jorah and Little Finger have crossed the line over and over.

As a final note, I love that Olenna Tyrell told Dany to "be a dragon" and not a sheep.

At first, I was impressed that Dany listened to Tyrion. After years of bitching and complaining about Dany never listening to her (always male, ugh -- no, Misandei doesn’t count, as no one ever treated hers like a real advisor) advisors and going on murder rampages, I was impressed that she showed reason and considered an alternative to just storming in and burning everything to the ground.

Then Olenna pointed out that Dany was letting Tyrion have too much influence over her and . . . I think Olenna was right.

Tyrion and I are wrong: Dany is a dragon and should be a fucking dragon.

I think that was the message all along, that dragons are childlike and pure and have the same black and white mentality that Dany herself does. They kill for survival and to protect what is theirs, which is basically what Dany is doing: she sees the iron throne as hers.

And I feel bad for complaining about how power-hungry Dany is. If anything, it's fucking refreshing that a woman gets to crave power and control without being demonized. (Vivienne from Inquisition is still a total bitch, though. And I firmly stand by everything I said about her on this blog -- she is the Cersi in this situation, someone who wields power selfishly.)

Cersi is yet another foil for Dany. Cersi wants power and wants it just to survive, not out of any desire to help the world nor out of real malicious intent. And yet, her methods of securing power are malicious to the same people she would seek to protect (Tommen, for instance).

Cersi and Dany. both want power because they believe they can wield it and should wield it, only for different reasons.

The biggest difference between them by far is that Dany's influence will at least do some good for Westeros (in theory, assuming she doesn't swoop in and commit cultural genocide like she did before) while Cersi's rule will just reestablish the status quo of the rich lord's boot on the peasant's neck.

Despite all the gross fetishing of rape and violence and constant nudity, Game of Thrones does at least have a few strong female characters (Cersi, Dany, and Misandei) who I really enjoy.

Also, Yara and Olenna. I hope they don't die.

And oh yeah.

Grey Worm and Misandei: 

FINALLY.

(I mean, would it kill D&D to actually care about their brown characters a little more??? So tired of brown people always dying or being in the background)

[werm-whole-skwerm]

all of 'em, kiddo. every. single. last. question.

J A Y, YOU FUCKING TURD.

1. How long have you had a Tumblr?5 years. This shit blog turned 5 last month.

2. Describe your first kiss, who was it with, what was it like, where was it etc?It was gross. It was with a boy named Tyler that I was dating at the time. We had been dating for 3 months, and we were at my house watching tv in the den, and I was on his lap, and he leaned down and kissed me and I just went with it. It was gross and sloppy and there was teeth.

3. What’s your biggest regret? I know we all say we don’t regret things but obviously it’s how we learn, from our mistakes. So what’s something from your past you wished you could have changed?The last time I saw my mom before she died, I didn’t hug her, and I wish I did.

4. Favorite Songs at the moment?One Jump Ahead - Sugita TomokazuChim Chim Cher-ee - Terashima TakumaDeal With - OldCodexCollar Full - Panic! At The DiscoBeez In The Trap - Nicki MinajRoundabout - YesI Want You - Savage Garden

5. What is the craziest thing that you have ever done?I smuggled a friend over state lines without her parents knowing.

6. What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?I tripped at my graduation. Like I hit the step with my shoe and almost fell.

7. Do you have any scars and if so, how did you get them?I have a scar on my right upper arm from getting burnt when I was a kid. I have a scar on my right index finger cause I just lost skin on it going to math class one day? I have a scar on the base of my left thumb from getting it closed in a van window as a kid. My right knee is scarred from falling off my bike as a kid and then a week later doing the same thing and scrapping off the scab and making it worse. I used to have self-harm scars, but I don’t know if they’re there anymore.

8. Where would you like to be in 10 years?Hopefully in an apartment with my friends or my girlfriend with a pug named The Pug Formerly Known as Bagels and doing what I love.

9. What are your views on drugs and alcohol?I don’t really condone drugs past weed and I don’t personally use any form of drug. The exception being alcohol. I love drinking alcohol. I love being drunk.

10. What are your views on religion?Well I’m an atheist, so I don’t really believe in religion, but also if you prescribe to a certain religion then that’s your business and it’s not my place to pass judgment or try to tell you otherwise. Just don’t shove your religion down my throat and accost me for being a non-believer, and I won’t bother you.

11. Have you ever thought about ending your own life? If so, why?Yes, many many times. When I was a teenager I researched different methods of suicide and how I wanted to do. I had things picked out. I still sometimes want to die. I can’t tell you why really. I can’t say it’s all too much or too much stress or anything, but I’m just tired of living and feel like a waste.

12. Write 5 facts people might not know about you.-I’m adopted.-I have 4 siblings, an older brother, an older sister, a younger sister, and a younger brother in that order.-I have a phobia of newspaper.-I was in JROTC for 4 years and won a national award.-I was in honors and AP classes from the age of 10-17.

13. last really important text you got? I know it’s probably not important sounding, but she had texted me about being lucky I was her friend and it made my life.

14. Can you let go?Eventually. It takes a while, but I’m capable of it.

15. Discuss your first love.He was someone I met on Tumblr. He had messaged me something, I could probably find it in my inbox still probably. But we met through here, and he was just great. I loved everything about him. We talked all night, said things to each other that we wouldn’t tell anyone else, were always talking. Every time I saw him I got butterflies and freaked out. He was honestly something amazing to me, but it never came to fruition. I spent 2 years having an unrequited love for this boy until I realized I was gay.

16. Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up. Explain why each song is on there.Roundabout is on here because I fucking love JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure and it’s a good song.One-Eighty by Summer is on here because Taking Back Sunday used to be my favorite band when I was younger, and I still really like them, but this was also my favorite song for a while when I was a teenager.Kick Me is on here because it’s the only good song Sleeping With Sirens has had in years.Creature is on here because I used to really love Asking Alexandria, and From Death to Destiny is one of my favorite albums of theirs, and this was briefly my favorite song.Stained Glass Eyes And Colorful Tears is on here because I fucking love Pierce the Veil, and this song is so beautiful and great and emotional.Jesus Christ is on here because I love Brand New, I grew up with it, and it’s sad, like me, and can be applied to any ship to make you sad, and I am about that life. It’s also just really good.I Love You 5 is on here because I just added a bunch of Never Shout Never. I never listen to it anymore, but I did used to love it as a teenager.Truce is on here because Vessel is an amazing album and I love twenty one pilots.Let It Roll is on here because I’m a slut for All Time Low and their sophomore album was great.Guns for Hands is on here because, as I said, Vessel is an amazing album and I love twenty one pilots.

17. Name somewhere you’d like to move or visit.Japan

18. Are you currently missing someone?Not really. The only person I would be missing I’ve been talking to for like 16 and a half hours.

19. What are your views on mainstream music?It’s popular for a reason. It’s not bad, and people should just let people enjoy what the fuck they want without being a dick.

19. At what age do you think people should have sex?I’m not at a place to be able to dictate when someone should have sex. Personally speaking, I feel like anything under 18, when you’re a legal adult, is too soon, but it’s up to you. That being said, children really under 16 shouldn’t, but, again, that’s not my place to say.

20. What are your highs and lows of this past year?Well in 2017, I pulled myself out of a depression and met an amazing girl that’s one of my closest friends that I adore. Downside, I’ve been depressed basically all fucking year so far.

21. What are your strongest beliefs?Equal rights for all genders and sexualities, true equal opportunity for people to have homes and doctor. God. I don’t even know anymore.

22. Who are you closest to in your family?My nephew I guess. He’s more like a friend to me than a nephew. My mom biologically speaking I guess.

23. How important do you think education is?So fucking important.

24. What’s one of your favorite shows?Catfish

25. How have you changed in the past 2 years?God, everything. I’ve gotten better about my anxiety and depression. I’ve come to terms with my sexuality. I’ve opened up more, been more honest. I’m a better person now.

26. Name 5 people who are famous who you find attractive.Sakurai Takahiro, Yamanaka Takuya, Morita Taka, Eguchi Takuya, Suzuki Tatsuhisa

27. Name your favorite movie and what it’s about.Naruto: Road to Ninja. Naruto gets thrown into Bizzaro World essentially.

28. Who is someone who fascinates you and why?Boi, this is gay, but Cam. She’s just astounding to me. I love learning things about her and talking to her about everything. I don’t know why. Maybe because I have the biggest crush on her?

29. What kind of person attracts you?Usually the nerd type. Or the tattooed and pierced type.

30. What’s a problem that you have recently had or are currently having?Uh, well, I have a huge crush on one of my closest friends with like no chance of it being reciprocated? I guess that counts.

31. Name something that you miss.Candy and soda. I’m on a diet.

32. Share 5 goals you want completed in the next 30 days.-Get my shit sent off to my new college-Definitively find an apartment-At least play some FFXV and BOTW-Start driving lessons-Pass my classes

33. What’s been the highlight of your month and the lowest point? The highlight has just been reconnecting with Cam more closely. The lowest is probably stressing myself out so bad I almost cried.

34. What’s something that you’ve done in the past that you would never do again?Suck dick

35. What is you’re biggest insecurity & why?Just me as a whole. I’m insecure about everything I am because my whole life I’ve been told I wasn’t good enough, that my sister was better than I was, that I had to live up to these expectations, and now I’m insecure about my body, personality, ethnicity. Just everything.

36. What were the last 3 songs you listened to and what did they mean to you?Roundabout, Kick Me, and Stained Glasses Eyes and Colorful Tears. They each mean something different to me, some aspect of my life represented. The weeb, the wannabe rebel, and the sad sappy bitch.

37. Do you have a toy that’s really special to you and if so what is it, how did you get it etc?I have a pink teddy bear named Pinky Bear that i got in 2000 when I first moved to Georgia to live with my new family. My dad’s coworker brought us toys and she was my first teddy bear and she still sleeps in my bed to this day.

38. Have you lost anyone close to you to death? My mom, grandma, and uncle have all died.

39. What is your purpose in life?To die.

40. When was the last time you cried and what was it over?It was a couple months ago, maybe 2. It was the ending of Final Fantasy XV.

41. If you got to spend an entire day with your favourite celebrity what would you guys do? Play video games, eat junk food, watch anime. I don’t really know.

42. If you could only listen to one artist for the rest of your life, who would you choose and why?Panic! At The Disco because none of Brendon’s music sounds the same and there’s such a wide variety.

43. What are 3 traits that you like about yourself and what are three that you dislike about yourself? Personality wise.I like the fact, I guess, I’m pretty loyal to my friends, I like what I like and that’s just gonna be a thing I’ll talk about forever, I’m pretty decently chill and try to make everyone feel welcome. Boi, I dislike the fact that I’m fucking stubborn to a goddamn t,I will grit my teeth and bear through anything anyone does to me no matter how depressed or uncomfortable it makes me, I will literally break myself just to do something for someone else.

44. Can you cook? If so what are your favorite dishes to make? Nope :)

45. What was the last decision you regretted making?I sent Cam a stupid pickup line because it was both hilarious to me and I wanted an excuse to flirt with her, and I wanted to die.

46. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater”?Yes. Wholeheartedly.

47. Do you ever wish you were famous?Online famous yes. Not real famous. I wanna be a great online personality and cosplayer. But I’m a loser who doesn’t have a personality or do cosplay well.

48. What’s the nastiest thing anyone has ever said to YOU? Or something that’s hurt you above anything else and why?My ex boyfriend blamed me for causing his anxiety attacks and threatened suicide multiple times when I realistically, or even joked, about breaking up with him. It really messed me up.

50. What mark would you want to leave on this world after you are gone?I want to have left someone happier than when i found them. If I can make one person’s life better, I’ll be happy.

51. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?All the time.

52. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?Not yet.

53. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?Of course I have.

54. What’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you?Nothing. No one ever does anything for me.

55. What is one of your favorite memories?All night roadtrip to Nashville with my friends. I won an InuYasha at a truck stop.

58. What’s the nicest present you’ve ever received?My ex girlfriend sent me the Clear nendoroid I really wanted.

59. Have you ever had your heart broken?So many times.

60. Have you ever wanted to change anything about your life? If so, what?Literally everything. Take your pick, I’ve wanted to change it.

61. What is something you feel like you are really good at? Being depressed.

62. What are your top 5 favourite all time songs by your favourite artist?Collar FullSarah SmilesCamisadoHurricaneGirls/Girls/Boys

65. What’s one thing someone has done for you that was really small but made a huge impact?Checked on me when I was feeling depressed.

66. What do you do when you can’t sleep?Bother Cam is she’s awake. if not, then just watch Youtube videos until I basically pass out.

68. If you could change 3 things within your government, what would they be and why?Donald Trump, the Trump administration, the republican party

69. What’s your favourite holiday and why?Halloween cause free dress up holiday.

70. What’s the kindest thing a stranger has ever done for you? Even if it’s TINY like holding a door open for you, something that you remember even though they were a complete stranger.Someone, I cannot remember her name, called me pretty out in public and it made my life????

71. Who’s your favorite cartoon character?Does Sasuke Uchiha count????

72. What’s the first song that comes to your mind while reading this and why?Concrete because I’m listening to it.

74. What would you like to be the first dance song at your wedding?twenty one pilots’ cover of Can’t Help Falling In Love.

75. Have you ever been told you look like a famous person, if so, who?Nope. Never.

76. What’s one thing you can not live without?My phone. It has everything i need on it.

77. What is the most selfless thing you have ever done for someone?I literally have no idea.

78. Are you a girly girl?Fam, I’m barely a girl half the time.

79. What color is your bed?My sheets are brown, but my quilt is mainly red.

80. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?I prefer no guys.

81. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?I’m constantly frustrated with their existence.

82. Do you have a best friend?Like two or three.

82. What song makes you cry the most?SECOND & SEBRING

83. What’s the funniest film you’ve ever seen?I have no idea tbh. I don’t watch many movies.

84. What’s something crazy that you’ve always wanted to do?Lowkey wanna skydive, but terrified of heights.

85. Has anything ever happened to you that you just can’t forgive?My existence.

86. Ever been really drunk?Almost every weekend.

87. Is there any type of rumor going around about you?That would require people knowing and caring about me.

89. Have you ever felt ashamed about something? If so what was it & why? Everything I’ve ever said and done.

90. Do you keep a journal? If so what mostly goes in it? Random thoughts, feelings, stories?That’s what my Tumblr is for.

91. Do you like somebody?Yes. So fucking much. I think I’m dying.

92. Craziest shit ever done?Left town in the middle of the night with friends without telling anyone?

93. What’s the saddest story/one that’s touched you the most that you’ve ever heard on the news?I dunno. I don’t really watch the news.

94. If you were told you were going to have 3 daughters, what would you want to name them?Nixie, Valor, Elliott

95. Do you have a middle name and if so, what is it?Ugh. Yeah. It’s Marie.

96. Are you in a relationship?Nope, but I sure wish.

97. Do you enjoy drama?When I’m not involved.

98. Are you a virgin?Sure as hell am.

99. Are you short or tall?Short af, fam.

100. Do you have siblings? If so, what are their names and how old are they? Andres - 31Olivia - 26Ariana - 18Jacob - 17

[nofomoartworld]

Hyperallergic: Rappers Rap Big Statements: Tyler the Creator, Vince Staples, Playboi Carti, Logic

In 2017 rap is less a genre than a concatenation of subgenres, each with a different set of conventions and rules. There is no central sound (although Kendrick Lamar’s “Loyalty,” an exercise in self-conscious conventionality, may come close); just listen to the radio and discover as wide a range of modes as you’d like. Each of the four albums reviewed below inhabits its own idiosyncratic sonic universe. And three of them respond more intelligently to the political situation than Arcade Fire.

Tyler, the Creator: Flower Boy (Columbia)

What a heartening development for a formerly horrorcore rapper: coming out (ambiguously) as gay, implicitly denouncing his vulgar, often bigoted previous work, and recording a sweet ode to vulnerability and unrequited love. While indeed a simplistic, one-dimensional corrective move, the album charms for its lovely, warm tranquility.

One could write essays, dissertations, books on the hormonal confusion, internalized self-hate, obsession with masculine codes, and unbearable adolescent agony inherent in Tyler’s career arc, all resolved and clarified in light of recent admissions about his sexuality. The album’s coolest breakthrough, though, is musical. Once he growled over crude, ugly synthbeats whose simplicity implied both authenticity and lethargy. Now behold waves of pealing keyboard ripples, noodling trebly guitar, sweeping electronic strings, organic grooves inhabiting a soft-rock variant on neosoul, and a panoply of chirpy female R&B voices, most prominently Estelle and Kali Uchis, whispering sweet nothings and providing vocal cushioning. Like the Internet’s Ego Death, this music glows with soothingly balmy heat, almost pastoral in its evocation of an endless, directionless summer. The album’s power as a gesture depends on an audience’s knowledge of Tyler’s past music and willingness to undergo a transformation of self; he cares more about sweetness as a corrective token than sweetness as an aesthetic attribute. “Garden Shed,” whose synthesizer rays and piercing lead guitar pass like a shimmery breeze, and “See You Again,” whose dizzy, bittersweet harmonies comfort with the slightest hint of disquiet, would delight in any case.

The album is too transparent a swerve, too concerned with renunciation, but its hazy, wistful warmth blossoms like his other albums don’t. Once he outgrows the need to atone for “Bitch Suck Dick” and the like, I anticipate more nuanced proof of maturity.

Vince Staples: Big Fish Theory (ARTium/Blacksmith/Def Jam)

Vince Staples is on an absurd productivity streak: since 2014 he’s released one stark, compelling, musically distinct project each year. If he keeps going at this rate, he’ll have quite the catalog, distinguished by jittery sonics, a sharp eye for parsing situations and attitudes, and equal commitment to EPs and longforms. His second full-length album, which arranges crisp rhymes across tart beats in a display of cold precision, matches the minimalist crunch of last year’s Prima Donna EP as well as his acclaimed debut, Summertime ‘06. Politically aware and outspoken, he’s nonetheless all about form.

Staples specializes in a sort of updated old-school aesthetic whereby classicist virtues like verbal clarity, metrical dexterity, and musical austerity are inflected through the modernism of contemporary lyrical concerns and voguish electronic production. He raps keenly and discerningly about how myths inflect life: success fantasies of celebrity and gangsta varieties both; the political consequences of cultural narrative; and, as he puts it, “how rappers are perceived and perceive themselves.” He always makes sure to enunciate each syllable in a word and each word in a line, the quaver in his voice revealing an insecure, depressive tendency just barely concealed; often he conveys the ambivalence of an alienated insider, someone who goes along with various conventional practices in the rap world while suppressing the urge to recoil. The sleeker, glitzier, moister electrobleeps that mark this album, courtesy of such star electronica producers as Sophie and Flume, hardly make it a dance album or a hip-hop tribute to Detroit techno. This music is barely less abrasive than the darker, creepier, less melodic Summertime ‘06, and the album’s sharp lines and ominous, suggestively empty spaces fit his established template. Rather, the squelchy bass, pitched metal percussion, spirals of synthesizer glitter, and assorted bubble effects assemble a cold technological surface in whose reflection he sees his own coldness. Staples’s clipped sneer of a delivery, which cuts up syllables like meat cubes, and the percussive bounce of the music, reducing each beat to a succession of discrete individual notes, are paired appropriately. The exactitude must please him.

At 36 minutes, the album is a paragon of concision; he’s packed enough fury and invention to sustain a grandiose statement into a pathologically tight, controlled, restrained structure. He takes the mic, delivers a cunning, confounding performance, and disappears while your head’s still spinning. He’ll be back again next year.

Playboi Carti: Playboi Carti (AWGE/Interscope)

Modern rap just keeps on getting less lucid, doesn’t it? That’s no insult: a collective dive into the dirty backwaters of the unconscious is something to celebrate. This Atlanta rapper’s debut mixtape is so zonked out it may yet pioneer new meditative techniques in listening to rap, inhabiting a passive hedonism that’s riveting once it seeps into your bones.

Even as so-called mumble rappers go, Carti is almost totally incomprehensible. Young Thug at least makes loud noises with his mouth, but Carti swallows syllables as often as not, frequently dropping out entirely to give his background ad-libs — yeah! uh! whoo! — full prominence. The beats, which stack comical piano and plaintive electronic flute atop skittery drum machine loops, are quite hooky in a repetitive way, yet they don’t actively tickle the hook receptors or the aggression cortex like trap-rap is supposed to. Rather, listening to these polished mechanical constructions swivel round and round on their axes, until the details become a gorgeous blur, hypnotizes. Despite lively tempos and propulsive percussion, this music sputters by in an impressionistic wash of sound, as if each note has become slightly pixelated and the beats can only move incrementally. While playfully silly in the manner of so much excellent recent trap, Carti’s drawl indicates a performer as dazed by his aural environment as the listener. The record typifies a musical mode that rap — a verbal genre in theory — paradoxically does like no other: a pure, luxurious, overwhelmingly sensuous physical experience, unencumbered by words or worries or context to disrupt the mindless bodily stimulation. That is to say, a beautiful, scary, fanatically intense and somehow cleansing portrait of Id itself.

Be careful where and when you play the album–it may suck you into a rabbit hole. That such incoherent goofiness has become rap’s dominant ethos in the past few years is a joy.

Logic: Everybody (Visionary Music Group/Def Jam)

Lookee! A rapper has finally recorded a hip-hop sequel to Howard Jones’s landmark Human’s Lib. Complete with idealistic rhetoric, eager platitudes to resolve any political conflict, a grin on his face and hope in his heart, and mindboggling metaphysical ambition, the Maryland rapper has cemented his reputation as hip-hop’s leading self-help guru.

Besides his hit single named after the phone number to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (“1-800-273-8255”), and if it saves lives who am I to quibble, Logic is famous for two things: his quick, fluent, rhythmic flow, switching from one meter to another while crisscrossing rhymes across bars with athletic speed, and his eagerness to tackle political content while accidentally making various insensitive comments. Fittingly, this album’s energetic, melodic, electronically orchestrated beats, overlaid with Logic’s agile, shifty rapping, mildly please the ear when played in the background, while as for the overarching concept, well, here goes: Logic raps a variety of preachy lectures on the most pressing issues of our time, with topics including mental illness, religious salvation, how tragic race relations are in America (on many sides, even!) and how we should all just get along, and the magical, ineffable, infinitely complex nature of the universe. Often he accentuates songs with a long, spoken outro while keeping the beat running, as on “Take it Back,” in which he explains how being biracial taught him that humans are all connected, or “Anziety,” in which he feigns an epiphany about his own mental health. He also interrupts the music with long, unaccompanied skits between an everyman, played by radio personality Big Von, and God, played by — I swear! — Neil DeGrasse Tyson, the astrophysicist. The everyman, named Atom, dies, goes to purgatory, and meets God, who explains that he won’t get to enter the afterlife until he gets reincarnated as every human being who ever lived throughout history. This is supposed to illustrate that all people are the same, and that all acts of kindness or hate help or hurt all people equally. At the end, God gives humanity the advice to “live your life to the fullest, according to your happiness and the betterment of all”. Then, another skit reveals that the entire album has been merely background music to entertain space travelers exploring the galaxy.

Having typed out the above paragraph, I can’t bring myself to comment on the album further. Description is criticism.

The post Rappers Rap Big Statements: Tyler the Creator, Vince Staples, Playboi Carti, Logic appeared first on Hyperallergic.

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