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an-odd-idea · 6 months

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On this episode of “I Can Fix Him” : music and a little bit of choreography thoughts for Ilia Malinin

I dunno, he’s just fascinating to me, I’m like annoyed about him sometimes but also very fond of him, and I would like him to earn those PCS

I’m not a choreographer, and I don’t skate, but I watch enough figure skating to enjoy making up imaginary choreography in my head, so this is what I’m doing. Just vibes, basically, so don’t take it very seriously lol

If he wants to continue his streak of skating to music from shows that he’s only technically old enough to watch (well, he’s older now though) I think he should skate to music from House of the Dragon, if he’s seen it. If he hasn’t, then no, but let’s go with it for now

The music is his vibe, but it’s a little bit bigger than what he’s used in the past, to push him a bit but nothing too wildly different. He doesn’t need to do Swan Lake or anything (in fact, Ilia, please do not)

Overall, I’d like to see less crazy arm choreo than the Succession program, more defined, decisive movements, especially in the opening of the program, before and between the first couple of jumps. Sort of like, do you remember Junhwan Cha’s 21/22 short program where he’d do some moves, then stop (not actually come to a stop, but be traveling quickly but not moving his body for a moment)? Kind of that vibe- goes with the music and keeps it interesting without lots of arms all over the place

(Also maybe that would sort of force him to work a lot on his skating skills, which would be nice. Sometimes really good crossovers and nice changes of direction to cool music really are nicer to watch than all the arm-waving someone can muster)

Now here’s where we get crazy, though- make that boy do a spiral. Not a 0.5-second arabesque- a real, honest-to-God spiral and HOLD it. He has long legs, it would look really impressive if he did it well. It can be a Kerrigan spiral if it must, but he HAS to straighten his knee. Maybe Kerrigan spiral actually is best because he has more to do and only really one arm to contend with so he doesn’t feel so awkward holding one position for a while. I’m thinking maybe free arm in front of him and he sort of grabs something in the air, that’s skating choreography basics lol

(This is my thought process: I was listening to “Reign of the Targaryens” and that moment at 0:28 just sounds like the start of a spiral. I would do a spiral there, and I can’t even do a spiral. Also the people love spirals, and it’s extra rare and exciting when a man does a spiral, so he could get some good will from a lot of skating fans who are currently kinda “meh” about him except for the quad Axel)

Thing is, I doubt Ilia would want to do a spiral, and if he doesn’t want to, it will probably not be a very good spiral, so backup plan is a spread eagle, but he needs to HOLD that, too. Whatever it is, it has to be a sustained gliding type move and he has to hold it for a good long time, this is non-negotiable

Moving on from spiral fantasies, thing is, I haven’t seen the show myself, so I’m not sure which pieces of music you’d need to include to focus on a particular aspect of the story or a particular character, so I’m just throwing sort of general stuff at the wall

If- IF- it makes narrative sense, “Rhaenyra’s Welcome” sounds like decent music to start on. It’s interesting, but it still starts out slow, so there’s room to build, and he doesn’t have to use up a ton of energy trying to match it. It’s dramatic and slow-building, so he can take his time setting up his jumps and the music will help sell it anyway because it’s suspenseful but there’s still quite a lot going on underneath. Also these phrases with the long strings and then moments with just drums and something that sounds like maybe a hammer dulcimer in between are just so good for that kind of thing. Like picture, and we can cut music or have something repeat or whatever so he has enough to time to get ready for it but not too much time because he only has four minutes to do everything, quad Axel at 0:20 in the original music, right on the end of that phrase, everybody loses their mind, you know the drill, but the music keeps going slowly but relentlessly on, oh boy! what’s going to happen next?

We’d really need to do some music cutting and pasting magic to get him into maybe quad Lutz at what’s originally 0:29 because if you just play the song that’s not enough time, especially between the hardest jumps anyone’s ever done, so let’s pretend we have the Music Cut Fairy on our side because it’s a perfect moment, and the contrast will be good because the end of this phrase is up while the last one was down, and it has a sharper feel with the drum (Lutz is the sharpest jump, it’s fitting)

Or if that isn’t feasible or if we just like it better, 0:35 is also a really good spot, and the drum right before would be really cool

And so on and so forth. The point is, this kind of music will make things seem really big and cool and kind of gives the skater a little boost in the performance aspect (by sort of tricking your brain into thinking things are cooler than they are, but hey, all program music does that in some way or another- might as well choose music that does it in the way most advantageous to you)

Those are my thoughts, I could figure out some more, but it’s all just vibes and a few sort of snapshot moments anyway, so I’ll leave it there

#figure skating #i feel like that meme picture of the guy in front of the board with all the papers and strings and a crazed expression on his face

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lacebird · 3 years

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💜 HOW TO MAKE A GIF WITH PHOTOPEA 💜

Hey everyone! I recently got asked to do a tutorial on how I make my gifs. I know that many people (such as myself) don’t have access to Photoshop for various reasons but they’d like to get into gif making. When I started making gifs, I only had a free trial of Photoshop, but when that ran out, I had to find another way to make gifs. Enter Photopea! A free, web-based software that you can use anywhere and that works just like Photoshop!

In this tutorial, I’ll teach you how to make a basic gif like the one I did above. I use a macbook air, but it should be doable on a regular pc too!

If you found this helpful, feel free to share it with your friends! The tutorial can be found under the cut below 💜

THINGS YOU’LL NEED

A browser (I switch between Safari and Chrome, more about this later)

A screencapping software (like MPlayer OSX Extended) or, alternatively, a presentation program like Keynote or Powerpoint.

A program to screenrecord or a program that let’s you download from YouTube

Lots of patience bc gifs are annoying little shits <3

1. GETTING A VIDEO BY SCREENRECORDING

First things first, you need to have the clip you want make a gif out of. There are plenty of ways that you can get them. I’ve seen some gifmakers say that they torrent entire movies and gif from that. The way I do is I screenrecord the part I want to gif directly from where I’m watching the movie or show (like Disney+ or Netflix [or something like 123movies if you’re a pirate 🏴‍☠️)]). That way, I don’t have to download the entire movie and I have just the part that I want.

To screenrecord, I use my macbook’s built-in program called Screenshot.

Open the program by pressing ctrl + command + 5 on your keyboard and you get these funny little buttons.

Click on the button that says record entire screen. The program is now recording your screen. Play the scene and make sure you expand the video into full screen so you get a full resolution. When you’re done, click the stop button that is at the top right of your screen (next to the wifi and battery symbols.)

If you don’t have Mac, I suggest you look into how to screenrecord on your computer, as I don’t know how other operating systems work. Sorry!

1B. GETTING A VIDEO FROM YOUTUBE WITH CLIPGRAB

Another way you can get videos is from Youtube. I use a program called ClipGrab for this. Download and open the program. You’ll get this window

Simply paste the link and chose the highest quality, then click ‘grab this clip!’. Done!

2. SCREENCAPPING

After we’ve obtained the clip we wanted, we can do this two ways. The first way is to use the program MPlayer OSX Extended. Here’s a tutorial on how to set it up, make sure you do this if it’s your first time using the program. Make sure that you have a special screenshot folder!

Open MPlayer, then go to file > open and find the video of the scene you screenrecorded or downloaded. MPlayer will now play the video. Use the left and right keys (< and >) to go go backwards or forwards 1 minute, but try not to move around too much because the software crashes if you do. If that happens, just click the reopen button when the popup comes on, and reload the video again.

When you’ve gotten to the point you want in the video, press the command + shift + s buttons at the same time and the program will now take a screencap of every single frame until you stop.

If everything goes smoothly, you should find all your frames in your screenshot folder that you’ve made before when setting up the program!

2B. USING A PRESENTATION SOFTWARE TO MAKE A GIF

If you want to skip the screencapping part and you want to have a fully completed gif, you can do the second option. That’s what I used to do before I got MPlayer. In my experience, it’s a really fast way to make a gif, but the quality isn’t really good.

Here’s a tutorial on how to turn a slide into a gif in Keynote.

Here’s a similar tutorial on how to make a gif on PowerPoint.

Basically, you make sure that the size of your presentation is the same as your video, and that you make sure to export one slide into a gif. Also make sure that you export in the highest quality!

3. LOADING THE FRAMES IN PHOTOPEA

Finally, we can start giffing! As I said at the start, Photopea can be used anywhere, but I switch between Safari and Chrome. The reason why is that if I upload the frames in Chrome, the frames will be out of order. In Safari, that doesn’t happen, but the downside is that once I start editing, Safari will reload the page because it takes up too much memory.

So, first I go to photopea.com on Safari. I click New Project and put in the same dimensions as the screencaps (in my case, they are 1440x900 px). You’ll get an empty project.

Then click file > open & place and select your screenshots. Wait until Photopea has loaded all the frames, then, at the speed of light, quickly click file > save as psd before Safari reloads! You’ll find it in your folder where all your downloads are.

Next, I open Chrome (I use the incognito window because I have adblock on my usual Chrome, the program won’t work as usual if you have it enabled) and I click Open From Computer, locate your saved .psd file that you saved from Safari.

Now, you’ll see all the frames as individual layers. Select everything by clicking on the first layer, then golding the shift button and clicking on the last layer. Press command + G to group the frames into a folder. Here’s how everything should look after you’ve grouped the layers.

^^ See how Agnes approves! Agnes things you’re going a great job!

Now, it’s time to crop the gif and get rid of the black borders. Making sure that the folder is selected, click on the crop tool (or press C) and click on Fixed Size

W is Width and H is Height, write in your sizing here. Tumblr’s max width is 540, so I put the width as such. For the height, I use 405. Then you just drag the corners until you’ve selected the part that you want, like this

Press enter and the image will be sized down 540x405 px.

Now, our gif looks like this after cropping!

Open the folder so you can see all the layers. Select all your layers and right click on them, then click rasterize.

Then, go to layer > animation > make frames. You’ll now see that each layer begins with _a_ - this is crucial because this is how Photopea knows that the layers are part of a gif. If your layers don’t begin with _a_, then it will not play as a gif

If you instead already have a gif done, all you have to do instead is simply click open from computer when you first open Photopea and load your already finished gif and it’ll have the _a_ at the start of every layer. You won’t have to go through the steps of loading your frames into a new project to make your gif as it’s already done and in a folder :) Just start cropping once you load it

You can preview your work by going to file > export as > gif. Make sure to change the speed in the preview window until your gif plays the way you want it! I put my speed at 500%

4. SHARPENING

Hooray, we now have our gif! But to make it look a little nicer, it’s good to sharpen it. I always use Smart Sharpen when I sharpen my gifs, and many other gifmakers use that too. It’s really good :D

To sharpen your gif, again, make sure that all your layers are selected. Go to filter > sharpen > smart sharpen. I use two different settings for my gifs, it really depends on the gif.

Setting 1 (which is the default setting)

Setting 2

Again, it depends on the gif, play around until it looks good to you!

Here’s our gif after sharpening it

I ended up deleting the last few layers as the gif got bigger than 10mb (that’s Tumblr’s file limit, it your file is bigger than 10mb, it won’t upload). I also added a gradient map and it made the file size smaller, more about that in the next segment!

5. COLORING

Here’s the fun part! Now we get to play around with the gif, making it brighter and look Extra Nice™! Since this is a black and white scene, I make sure that the blacks and the whites really pop.

Notice how in the original scene it’s not actually b&w, it has a slight sepia tint to it. I want to remove this, so I add a gradient map by clicking on the white square with a black circle (I want to point out that we’ll be clicking on this button a lot in this step)

and I change the blending mode to Saturation

Then I add a curves layer using these settings

Then a second curves layer

Brightness/contrast

Then my favourite! Selective color! First layer, I deepen up the blacks

Then another selective color layer, this time the whites

Lastly the neutrals

Here we have the final results!

Wasn’t this a gas! I hope this helped you out, let me know if you want to know anything else about gifmaking, I’m happy to help! Also, sorry if I wasn’t very clear, I’m bad at explaining 🙈

MORE RESOURCES:

Here are some other tutorials that are really helpful in making gifs. These users use Photoshop, but you can still use their tips most of the time in Photopea too, you just need to play around and see what works for you!

Gifmaking for beginners by @chloezhao (this one saved my life)

Pale coloring tutorial by @itsphotoshop

Two-Toned Gif Background by @clubgif

Text with white outline tutorial by @anya-chalotra

#resources #tutorial #gif tutorial #photopea #photoshop tutorial #photopea tutorial #tuserfran #userlaur #userlaura #usermirna #(tagging mutuals if you wanna share :P)#my tutorials

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lululawrence · 3 years

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Can u please be nicer on ao3? Maybe you should try answering people's comments

when i read the first line i was honestly flabbergasted and wracking my brain trying to figure out when in the world i wasn't nice on ao3 ever. because i honestly truly try to be nice to everyone always, even when i'm angry or frustrated or people are going after those i love and want to protect. if there was a time i WASN'T nice on ao3, i wondered if it was maybe because my comment had been misunderstood or someone saw me razzing an author i'm good friends with and they didn't get that we are close and i said what i did with so much love and appreciation, you know? like what??? did i do???

but then i read your second line. and please forgive me if i come off as rude in my response to this, because honestly i'm in a pretty bad spot mentally and emotionally in general right now, but PARTICULARLY today, and this ask triggered an anxiety response in me. so. i'm trying really hard to word this in a way to educate without being condescending or mean, but i might not succeed.

firstly, thank you for your comments i'm assuming you've left. i'm also assuming they were nice comments, in which case extra thanks. i'm sure i'll send you effusive responses on ao3 when the time comes.

secondly, please understand that sending an ask like this, on anonymous no less, is incredibly entitled. writing is not my profession, i receive no compensation for my works that i post for free online, and as a part of that it is not required of me to respond. i do my very best to reply to every comment i receive, but it is not always in a timely manner, because i have other priorities in my life. all of which leads us to my third point, which is:

writers do not owe you a reply to your comments. end of. there are no other qualifications or quantifying modifiers to be added to the statement. is it nice to be acknowledged and know your comment was seen? sure. but do they OWE you one? hell no.

in fact, i'd like to offer you a suggestion. a way of tweaking your thinking about the comments you leave on fics. instead of looking at comments you leave as being something that deserves a reply from the author, think of your comments as your way of paying the author for the gift of their time and talents that they have shared with you by posting their fic. that's how i think of the comments i leave for authors. i'm giving them my thanks for the words they've shared! i want to help THEM feel as amazing as they have made ME feel when i read their fic. in fact, my hope isn't necessarily a response from them, but instead my hope is THE GIFT OF THEM SHARING MORE FIC WITH ME. i'm a selfish bitch in that way and i always want all the fic to read. i never want that well to go dry. one way i can ensure that doesn't happen is by supporting authors and being kind to them and spreading all the love and excitement i can about their writing in the hopes that my words will inspire them to share more.

because whether they reply or not, i GUARANTEE they are seeing your comments. i PROMISE they are. and for all you know, your comment might be the one that keeps them writing even when their words aren't coming easily or when they are tempted to give up.

but, again, please remember that no matter what, these authors (including me) don't actually owe you anything.

the rest of this is going under a cut, because honestly my reply is already far too long and i have a LOT more to say now that you've gotten me started.

now, all of this in mind, i'll explain to you why i'm not great with keeping up with comments made on my fics the last couple of years. i don't owe you this explanation any more than i owe you a response to your comments, and i'm honestly not sure you deserve this explanation either, but i'll still offer it anyway. it'll help me feel better knowing i at least put this out there, whether you care or not, mainly because if i don't do that it will cause me greater anxiety having you possibly think i am not responding to people because i feel all high and mighty or that i think i'm better than the comments or whatever the fuck kind of motivation you're attributing to me to see my lack of a response as something "not nice" towards the commenters.

i'm not sure if you've noticed, but i put out a lot of fic. like a lot. a lot of words and shit. i love writing, it's often my therapy and a way for me to help keep my anxiety and depression and ptsd at bay.

now, more personal shit for you, i've got three kids ages 9 and under. the oldest has adhd which we have yet to find a med for that helps to the extent she needs without side effects that aren't healthy for her to continue with, she also has anxiety, AND she's extremely gifted and starting a new program at a new school, all in the midst of a pandemic. and all of those situations exacerbate her anxiety! huzzah! she's also dealing with the beginning of her tween growing up shit, which is great fun because it means where she used to be pretty damn understanding of her younger brother, she is finding it much more difficult to. because the second oldest? he's autistic with some pretty significant gross motor, speech, and socialization delays that have only been exacerbated because of the previously mentioned pandemic. PLUS he transitioned from his special needs preschool to a fully integrated elementary school for kindergarten last year and then had to deal with all the ups and downs of the switch from e-learning to hybrid to all in schooling when everything in him screams for a normal schedule he can rely on to keep his own anxieties and fears and struggles at their minimum. and that youngest child? he was born in january of last year. he STILL barely leaves the house and has only met other children in close range a couple of times because, once again, pandemic!

add onto all of this my own mental health issues, the fact that my husband ALSO battles major clinical depression, adhd, and anxiety, AND we live with my parents who have their own health issues, both mental and physical. i run the home for our house of seven. i keep this place functioning, fed, clothed, clean, and everywhere we need to be for all of our five million appointments every. fucking. day. there is a REASON i've been borderline burnt out for the last fucking year and a half.

now, for fun, i have fandom shit. i love it here, even if it is a dumpster fire on the best of days, and getting to be a part of the writing community is so very lovely. i adore it. honestly, it's because of those friendships i've built with other writers that i have been able to keep writing and have found just how helpful it can be for my mental health. but i'm REALLY. INCREDIBLY. BUSY. i hardly have time to get on tumblr for just a quick swipe through my dash most days. i put off asks so long i forget i have them. i don't have the mental and emotional capacity to talk to people on here or interact fully a lot of the time. but i do my best to do so and be kind while i'm at it even when i don't want to be.

then, on top of that? i also run fic fests like @wordplayfics and help friends run their own. because not only am i a writer, i'm a reader. i LOVE fic. fic has saved me soooooo many times over the past seven years that i've been here. i want to do what i can to support other writers the best way i can, which is to provide a space for them to create their works that welcomes and helps promote them, but also by doing my monthly fic lists and pocast highlighting what i've been able to read, reblogging their fic posts, and then commenting and kudosing their fics too.

sometimes i get really fucking down on myself because i'm so behind on replying to comments, but my brain is very much a "if you start this, you have to finish it" kind of a brain, and i feel even WORSE sometimes if i reply to comments on some fics and not all of them. but i do my best and reply when i can. i was actually really fucking proud of myself because i had a couple days to myself in june, and i spent hours replying to comments on 20 of my fics. when you have almost 150 fics (i think? i don't even know how many fics i've posted by now), that is only scratching the surface. but i tried and i was so so happy i did that many fics at once. it's exhausting, though, and takes a lot of spoons for me to reply to them in mass like that plus time consuming. so i tried to be happy with those 20 fics and the comments i responded to there and told myself that when i ha a moment to breathe, i'd go and work on replying to some more.

but see, that again causes anxiety and guilt. because i haven't replied to all of them. and that anxiety and guilt can cause me to put it off further OR to put off important things like feeding my children or getting sleep in order to finish it, so i have to make myself put things into perspective and ensure i'm doing the important things, like taking care of myself and my family, first.

and then, i have a moment where i CAN go ahead and reply to comments... but i also have MANY fics that are on deadline and i actually have a schedule. a SCHEDULE. for when i'm going to focus on which fics. i can spell it out for you if you really want. i made it back in APRIL to make sure i didn't sign up for too many fic fests because there are so many going on right now that i want to participate in, but i know i can't do all of them so i had to pick and choose. and when you are SO overscheduled and busy that back in APRIL you had to figure out what fics you would focus on at what time to ensure you got everything written when you wanted to through THE END OF THE YEAR, more choices have to be made.

for example. my writing time and time for myself came down to only one evening a week for ALL fandom things i'm doing and a part of right now once the kids were out of school for the summer. it quickly became apparent that for my own self care i needed more time, so i worked with my husband to find two other days i could carve out at least 30-60 minutes to myself to write every week. and i did. but if i'm already only getting that much time and have committed to those fics and fests and things that you're running etc, you have to choose am i going to use this time to try to squeeze in some comment replies? or am i going to write? and i choose to write. simple as that.

so yeah. see it as selfish if you want. see it as mean. you can honestly see it as whatever the fuck you want, but for me? i know that as soon as i possibly can and i can breathe freely for once and not feel like i am constantly drowning in my day to day life and am doing pretty well when it comes to my fic deadlines and getting started on those christmas cards i'm once again going to be making by hand for everyone on tumblr who chooses to sign up for one this year out of the KINDNESS of my heart and the love i really do feel for so many of you, then i promise i'll be on ao3 catching up and commenting. my friends laugh and make fun of me for it sometimes, because they will sometimes get 10-12 replies to their comments in a single day. they know that's how i work. i WILL reply to every single comment i get, no matter how old it is. but for the love of all that is holy, do NOT add to the anxiety and guilt i already feel over it. the only place that will get you is the ask/comment getting deleted if it's a good day, a fucking long rant like this one if it's not, and a block if it's a REALLY bad day.

if you're asking me to be nice on ao3, then i ask in return that you also be nice by not demanding things of people that they are not in any way obligated to give.

#long post #rant #i almost deleted this #but you sent it on just the right day and instead i let loose #this is unedited and unbetaed lmao but ENJOY #or don't #whatever #writing stuff #i should tag it #writing SHIT #but that's not really a tag i keep cause who wants to keep track of the negatives #not me

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mentallyillwhumpee · 3 years

Text

TW: institutionalized slavery, drugging, noncon, gaslighting, overall mature themes

Pluto being picked out by his first master

"what kind of pet are you looking for sir?" The man at the front desk asked, looking over the tall imposing figure standing in front of him.

"I want just a simple house pet- no need for advanced training or educational skills, just want a companion, someone to help with chores, and someone to look pretty for my guests" he said.

The man looked confused for a second before panicking, realizing he didn't even recognize the political figure until this moment. "Charles!! Oh I'm having such a bad day- I saw your speech on the news last night, I can't believe I didn't recognize you!" He apologized.

The man, Charles, laughed. "it's alright, no worries. Oh and price isn't a problem, I need them to look pretty, and I prefer a male, but it doesn't have to be. I just need a pet that would look good all shown off"

"yes of course- follow me please" the man stood, leading him along.

Charles had been one of the politicians around 10 years ago that both legalized and popularized human pets. Everyone was already doing it after the economy got too bad and the poorer families had to support themselves one way or another, so Charles helped legalize it. To make it safer, he said. That way training had laws, it would be less cruel, not cruel at all even. But all of that was a lie, a lie Pluto knew all too well.

After showing him a few, they stopped at Pluto's tiny cage. It wasn't big enough for him to stand, just lay down and crawl in. He shook wildly when the politician looked at him.

"sir, surely you want a better pet- this one is second hand, it's all scarred up anyway, came from an illegal training program. Stupid thing is all broken up and timid, we have a much finer selecti-"

"I'll take it" Charles spoke. And Pluto's blood ran ice cold. That was the voice of a very cruel man, he could feel it in his bones, beneath his skin, like a curse that wouldn't leave.

"are you sure?" The man asked.

Charles responded with a nod, as the cage was opened and Pluto was hooked to a leash. He cowered near his new owners feet, already trying to please him, trying to be good for him.

"what's it's name?" Charles asked

"oh- it's Pluto" the man replied. Charles smiled. "come along Pluto- we have training to do, you'll be in tip top shape in no time" he smiled.

Pluto shivered, knowing what was to come was pain that he could not talk his way out of.

~~~

"Stop squirming!" Charles barked, causing Pluto to flinch harder. He tried repeatedly to wash him in the bath, but Pluto squirmed away, avoiding his touches.

"please d-don't do this- please I can do it myself please-" a harsh slap to the face shut him up quickly.

"you are an ugly, used up pet. You're so lucky to have a master at all, let alone a master that will give you the life I am giving you. Now hold still" he demanded.

Pluto tried his best, but still flinched away. At this, Charles angrily stood and left the room. When he returned, he appeared to be concealing something in his hand. A syringe, but it was only after he had been pricked in the neck by it that he put together what is was, and it was far too late. Pluto tried to fight, but soon slipped into exhaustion, slumping in the bath.

Charles now easily washed him up, clothing him in a much nicer set of clothing then he was brought in with, and carrying him to his bed.

It was only as Pluto felt his body rocking with the force of the other man's hurried thrusts, his lower half aching, his mouth unable to ask for him to please just stop, that he realized something horrible; he only adopted Pluto so he could claim him as a rescue to boost his image. He could hurt him as much as he pleased, and any new scars on his body could be attributed to an old owner, because Charles loves his pets, he would never hurt them. And it was this moment too that Plutos eyes lolled back, a gentle moan escaping his mouth as he attempted to fight the drugs in his system.

"see you little slut? I knew you'd grow to like me if you just gave me the chance"

@sideblogformindtrash

#pluto my child #pet whump #whumpblr #whump scenario #whump rp #whump ideas #captivity whump #emotional whump #whump #whump writing

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echos-newlegs · 3 years

Text

I return with part two of this fic. I dunno how good it will be, started it at 11:37pm because I can’t sleep lmao. I found a prompt list tho and I’ll be posting that shortly 😳. Also I am a Tom boy so please excuse this chapter. I dunno words of things or how most girls dress up for dates. I’ve never been on one, and my purse is deep, blue Jean, pockets and a Star Wars wallet ✌️🥸

Warnings: Implied sexual themes, it doesn’t go into depth though. I may write the hanky panky in a separate chapter if y’all want.

Part one - This is part two

You and Echo hung out anytime he made his return to Corusant. It could be days after, or even months. Echo always had this horrid feeling that one mission would go wrong, and he wouldn’t be able to see you again. Or that you would decided seeing a clone wasn’t worth it, and move on. If you would even consider what the two of you had as, ‘seeing one another.’ You on the other hand were just worried for his safety. He didn’t make you feel self conscious or like he would move on and find someone new. He was so loyal, even if what you had wasn’t official.

After nearly six months of knowing one another. Seeing each other a near twelve times, bringing both you and your daughter back a gift after each mission. Or just a fun story about he and his brothers for the two of you. Though, Echo finally asked the last time if he could officially take you on a date. One with just the two of you. He adored your daughter, but having a five year old running around did tend to kill the mood, and you understood. Nearly jumping into his arms with a grin as you kissed his cheek. Blurting ‘yes!’ almost a little, too excitedly.

You were just getting ready to leave your house. Purse hung over your shoulder as your shoes clicked on the tile of your kitchen. You weren’t wearing anything super fancy, you didn’t wanna overwhelm yourself or Echo. It was still casual, but it was nicer than your normal. Exiting the house and locking the door behind you, after making sure the lights were all off for the thousandth time. When Echo came up behind you with a grin. “You ready?” He asked, you jumped a bit and you turned to see him. He wasn’t in his armor for once, nor his blacks. Which he would occasionally lounge around your home in until— who you learnt was his brother Fives— was ready to leave.

You smiled and swatted at his arm. “Warn a girl before sneaking up on her,” you teased. Echo tittering a bit. “Not my fault you’re always so jumpy,” “am not,” “Y/N, I could argue differently. You nearly punched me last time I saw you because your daughter let me in the house.” You scoffed, the two of you beginning your stroll down the street to who knows where. “You deserved it, not like I expected someone in full armor to be standing in my kitchen eating Star cherry dessert!” Echo laughed at that, causing you to laugh with him.

The two of you continued your stroll. You were thankful to have a night to yourself. Plus C/N got a night with friends. “Where are we going, anyways?” You asked, looking to your side to see Echo grinning. “You’ll see.” Was all he said. You weren’t really one for surprises. You were impatient and somewhat stubborn, and he knew this. Causing a sigh to leave your lips as the two of you strolled the dim lit streets.

Echos hand brushed against yours, fingers reaching to catch yours. You accepting his offer. Taking his hand into your own and leaning against his side a bit. You could of swore you heard him release a breath, too. Making you smile a bit more. In all honesty, even if the two of you just walked around the city, you would be the happiest person alive. Internally squealing when his thumb started rubbing over the back of your hand.

You came up to a diner, tilting your head a bit. “Echo, I could have made us something.” You spoke, looking over to him and he shook his head. “No no, this is supposed to be us relaxing and spending time with each other. Not me making you cook.” You were about to argue with him, but the look he gave you made you close your mouth and nod in agreement. “Alright, but I’m paying for myself.” Echo snickered and pulled you inside. “Alright, fine, deal.”

The two of you sat at a booth by the window. Across from one another as music played in the background, faintly. You both gazed over the menu, deciding what looked best. “You ever been here, Echo?” You asked, looking up to catch his gaze. “No, actually, but I’ve wanted to try it, have you?” You nodded, “I work here,” you added with a grin as you watched his smile fade. “Oh, I uh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” You snickered, shoving him from across the table. “Echo, I’m kidding, I work at a repair shop. I used to work here though, back when I was a teen.” You added and he smiled once more. Stars, how you could watch him smile for hours.

He raised a brow and stared at you, interested. “You repair things, like what?” “Speeders, droids, tech, you name it. It was something I learnt from my dad and brothers, and it pays the rent.” You added and he nodded. “Might have to have you look over my communicator for my helmet some time,” and you hummed in thought. “It’ll cost you,” he raised his brows. Grin only widening. “Oh yeah, and what’s the price?” Though before you could even think of a response the waitress was there with a pen in hand. “What will the lovely couple have to drink.” The comment caught you both off guard, blushing and rambling. “Oh,” “we’re not-“ “he’s just-“ “A friend?” The waitress asked, a hip popped out as she smiled mischievously at the two. “Uh huh, and I work here for fun. What’ll it be for drinks?”

The two of you stared at her and then glanced at each other. You speaking up first, since it was obvious Echo had no idea what he wanted. “A Star Cherry malt, please.” The waitress nodded, and wrote it down. “Just one or two?” “Just one,” Echo interrupted you before you could speak. You glanced over to catch him smile. “Alright, one Star cherry malt on its way.” And off she went.

The moment she returned with the drink Echos eyes lit up with curiosity. “Do you two need a moment before you order?” “Yes please, ma’am,” you spoke, and she nodded. Walking off again. You looked back to Echo and raised a brow. “Have you ever had a malt?” He shook his head, ‘no.’ You would have been surprised, if he hadn’t acted like you made gold each time he ate with you at home. “No, on Kamino, we were...” he trailed off a bit. “Programmed to not intake sweets. It messes with our energy.” He added and you snorted. “It messes with everyone’s energy, hun. Now try some. If you like the cookies I bake, then you should like this flavor.” He didn’t think twice before taking one of the straws and taking a drink.

His eyes were focusing. Eyebrows raised. Pulling back to look at you with a childish grin. “So?” “It’s amazing! Why do I even listen to anyone besides you, I’ve been hidden from everything!” He exclaimed and you couldn’t help but giggle. Pointing out some of your favorites on the menu. He stuck to some simple things. The two of you splitting fries and eating burgers. Absolutely enjoying your time together.

Once finished, you paid, like you said you would. He didn’t argue either. The two of you walking home, hand in hand. “When will you be back?” You asked, expecting he would have to leave the moment you got back to yours. “Tomorrow, if you’ll let me? We don’t leave for our next mission until the day after, I technically don’t even have to be back to the bunks tonight. I could crash on your couch if I wanted.” He told you. You looking up to him with a grin. “You know, the heater in my apartment went out, I’m doubtful you’d want to stay on my couch.” You spoke, looking down towards your feet. Him sighing and pulling you closer. Draping an arm over your shoulders. “Well, now I want to more, I thought you fixed things anyways?” He asked and you furrowed your brows with a grin. Pulling your keys out and unlocking your door when the two of you got to your place.

You pushed the door open and pulled him inside. Shutting it behind the two of you. “I do, but no ones asked me to. I don’t just hand out help for free, you know.” You told him. Making it a point to drag your hand up his arm as you walked off down the hall. Flipping on the lights. You knew he was right behind you, too. Following you like a lost dog. “So, did you wanna stay the night?” You asked, looking back to him, and he shrugged. Licking his lips as he looked around and then back to you. “I can, if you’ll let me. I can get out of your hair, if you want me to?” He asked. “Come back tomorrow.” You shook your head with a grin. “No need, we can watch a movie and lay on the couch for a bit, then you can keep me warm tonight.” You added with a wink. Snickering at the taken back expression he gave you. “I’ll return, I’m going to go change, you get comfy, Echo.” You murmured and he nodded. “Sure thing, Cyar’ika.” He added, and pulled his nice clothes off. Blacks resting underneath as they normally were.

When you returned your hair was down, what little makeup you had on was removed, plus you were in your sleep wear. Baggy clothing that made you look smaller in his eyes, but he loved it. He was sitting on the couch already, waiting for you to return. You smiled and grabbed the remote as you sat next to him with a sigh. Looking over at his awkward form. Scrunched together, hands to himself. He didn’t cease to surprise you. How one second he could be touchy, and the next moment too embarrassed to even hold your hand anymore. “You know, you don’t have to keep your hands to yourself.” You added. Looking at the screen. Finding a holovideo for the two of you to watch. Or even just have it as background noise.

Your lips pressed together when he eventually wrapped his arm around you. Pulling you against him as you rested your head against his shoulder. Neither of you were really paying attention to the screen at this point. Too distracted by one another’s presence. Hands eventually finding one another. “What does.. Cyar’ika mean?” You asked. Looking up to him with a curious and innocent gaze. A blush creeping up the back of his neck as he pretended to pay attention to what was happening in the holo. “It uh..” He stammered, you listening intently. “It means, sweetheart. Or Darling.” He admitted. Glancing down to meet your gaze. You were in awe, really. It really did mean the world to you.

Then you got an idea. Eyes darting down to his lips, and then back to his eyes. “I think I know what it’ll cost for me to look at your helmet,” Echo was curious now. Turning a bit to face you with a small smile. “Oh, and what is that?” You sat up a bit more. Leaning a bit closer to his face. “A kiss.” You murmured, lips ghosting against his. His hands moving to hold at your waist and his attention was all yours now. Both of your faces heated red. Hearts pounding in your chest. You squirming a bit under his touch and gaze. “Then what are you waiting for?” He asked, and that was all you need before your lips met his.

The kiss was soft, everything you imagined from the Arc Trooper. Hands reaching up to cup the sides of his face as your lips danced a slow rhythm. Humming a bit into the kiss as he pushed you back and down against the couch. Shifting himself to he was placed in between your legs, hovering above you.

When your lips parted you nearly whined. The two of you panting, eyes half lidded. Eyes roaming each other’s faces. “You ready for bed yet?” You asked with a small smile and a smirk. Echo grinning down at you. Though this grin was a bit wolffish, wild. Full of mischief. “Is that even a question, cyare?” He asked, voice a bit gruff as he leant down and captured your lips again. Before moving off and lifting you from the couch. Carrying you back into your room. Legs and arms wrapping around him as the two of you were a bunch of giggling messes. Kissing here and there as he scurried off with you in your arms. That night you and him both kept warm, almost too warm at some points.

#arc trooper echo x reader #arc trooper echo #star wars #star wars writing #the clone wars #writing #the bad batch #echo x reader #clone trooper x reader #clone wars echo

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jaehyunspeachparty · 4 years

Text

9. If Santa would know this… (m)

"Are we really supposed to go in there?" You stood with Johanna in front of the sex shop and look at the shop in disbelief. It didn't look like a real sex shop, but you had never really visited one in Korea. "Yes! I'm single now and my vibrator has stopped working." Johanna quickly pulled you into the shop and you try to meet her quickly. "Thank God the twins are with Mia. I couldn't have taken them with me," you say and Johanna rolled her eyes. "This is a child-free zone, which means that we are not talk about the children here too." Johanna went straight to the shelf where there is a large selection of vibrators. You had a massager, but somehow you never dared use a vibrator. "Wow okay, they actually look really pretty," you say and stroke the dark red silicone with the gold handle. "This is our luxury model. It can be easily charged via USB and lasts up to 30 hours." Suddenly there was a saleswoman with you and she smiled friendly. "And it's waterproof. So perfect for the bathtub," she said with a wink. You look at the dildo and you don't quite know what to think of it. "It looks so abstract," you say and Johanna laughed. "Where do you live, Y/N? Have you never seen a vibrator?" "Well, yes ..." You got kind of shy. You never really bothered with it. "No worries. We have women who don't come to us until they are 60 years old. It's never too late to start." The saleswoman was really cute. She looked so innocent and never thought she would work in a sex shop. "When I had toys, I got them as a present. But I've never had anything like that. I don't know how to use it." You look at the dildo again and it fascinated you. "This is a rabbit vibrator. It can be inserted very gently vaginally while the smaller stimulation arm lies on the clitoris. This can also be massaged with the thicker end of the shaft before insertion. If you want, you can use a water-based lubricant that makes things easier There are 2 motors that are controlled independently of each other. After just one push of a button, 7 varied vibration programs give you new feelings and intense orgasms. " "Okay wow. That sounds intense," you say and you're close to buying this. "Yes, intensive is the right word. I think I'll take that," says Johanna and immediately took a pack. "It sounds good, but I'm not sure ..." you confess, and it irritates you. "Why? It's just for fun." Johanna laughed and shrugged her shoulders. "Well, my sex life is actually very good. I only used my massager during the time when Jaehyun wasn't there that often," you whisper and Johanna laughed. "That has nothing to do with it. It's just self-love, like a face mask. Even if Johnny fucked me good all night, I satisfied myself. It's more about that there is a time for myself and for me to relax." Johanna was right about what she said. This would be a nice change in the bathtub. So you decide to buy it. You also buy a lubricant. "Perfect. I am sure that you will have a lot of fun with it. And because it is Christmas now, all of our customers will get a present." The saleswoman packed your things and took out another small box. "What is that?" You ask and she smiled. "These are anal plugs in three different sizes. They fit really perfectly and enable stretching and training by wearing them. This not only simplifies anal intercourse, but also make sex much nicer and more intense. In there are the sizes S and M and you can wear them for as long as you want - whether shortly before anal intercourse to relax and stretch the anus, or longer to train." The cute little saleswoman smiled innocently and you never really know how to react in front of her. "Oh perfect ... thanks," you say uncertainly. "You can make your husband happy, because he loves anal so much." Johanna grinned and you blushed. You once told her that Jaehyun was sometimes really crazy about anal sex. "Well then it's perfect," says the saleswoman and smiled. "Okay these are my things." Johanna put the things on the table and took out her wallet. "If you buy something small, you will also get the butt plugs for free," said the saleswoman again. "No, I'm just divorced. That's enough for me." Johanna winked and the saleswoman nodded and packed the things.

When you came back, you put the dildo in a drawer. But in the next moment Jaehyun was already there. "Hey ..." He hugged you from behind and kissed your neck. "What do you have there?" He asked and you quickly close the drawer. "Johanna took me to the sex shop," you say and turn to him. "And you bought us something nice?" He asked, pointing to the bag in your hands. You nod and open the bag. Jaehyun pulled out the first part. "Lubricant ... always good," he said, grinning. Then he took the next box out of the bag and this time his eyes widened. "Wow. Is that my Christmas present?" Jaehyun grinned and looked at the butt plugs. "Well, we can try something different." You shrug your shoulders. Jaehyun was totally fascinated and barely took his eyes off. "Do you have any idea what we can do with it?" You ask and look up at him with wide eyes. Jaehyun nodded and came very close to your ear and whispered his dirtiest fantasy in your ear. He was really honest but you liked this. "Do you want to? It could be a lot," he said, but you didn't mind. "You stop when I want to, don't you?" You ask and you stroke his chest. Jaehyun nodded and kissed you gently. "Of course."

Jaehyun's plan was wild and you had never done anything like this before. But you were excited and wanted to try it. Jaehyun was even more excited because it had long been his fantasy. He didn't know why, but he was always obsessed with this. First you sleep in the day, because this was hardly possible with children. But as soon as you were awake, Jaehyun snuggled against your back. "Good morning," he whispered while his hands were already on your body. "Good morning," you say and smile. "Do we want to start right away?" He asked and you immediately raise your eyebrows. "Now?" "Well, I've just got my morning boner and I always need breaks to regenerate." You turn around and look at Jaehyun. "Okay, if you like, we can start." Jaehyun then kissed your shoulder and smiled. "You're the best." Then he reached on the small table next to his side of the bed and picked up the lubricant and the butt plug in the size small. He squeezed some lubricant out of the tube and rubbed it over the plug, but also over his length. Then he spread something over your back entrance. "Stay relaxed, I'm very careful." He continued to run his fingers and then gently pressed them into your ass. As always, it was a little uncomfortable, but over time your body relaxed and got used to the stretch. Then he took the plug and pushed it all the way in. Your eyes widened for a moment from the pressure, but then everything was okay. He then turned you around and leaned over you. "Now the pleasant one for you." He took his fingers again and began to massage your clit and Jaehyun was very good at this game. The length of his fingers, their thinness, everything was perfect. He pampered you with one hand and massaged himself with the other. You start to moan and Jaehyun had to let go of his length again and again so that he didn't cum immediately on you. It didn't take long to reach your orgasm. And when you moan and lift your upper body, Jaehyun watched you cuming and pleased himself at the sight. And after you were done, he took your body and lay himself behind you again. "I can't wait to cum inside you," he moaned into your ear and carefully pulled the plug out of you. Then he took lube again and spread it on his dick again. You push your asscheeks aside with your hands and Jaehyun groaned again when seeing that. "Shit, I'm so close." And he immediately pressed his length into it. He was careful, but it didn't take long anyway. He were so close that it happened to him in a moment. As soon as he was completely inside you, he already filled you with his cum. He quickly pulled out its length and put the anal plug back in. "And you think nothing is coming out?" You ask him and it was a strange feeling. "No, and if so, then we have to take the next size," he said with a wink and then kissed you.

Jaehyun stared at you during breakfast. He was curious about how you were feeling and it turns him on. "What do you want to know?" You ask him and you can already guess it. "How does it feel?" He asked, leaning closer to you. You sip your coffee and shrug your shoulders. "Can I see it?" He asked curiously and you had to laugh. You take off your panties and toss them aside, then sit on Jaehyun's lap. He then took a deep breath and stroked your thigh. His hand moved back and forth until he touched plug. "Everything is still tight," he said and bit on his lower lip. "I know," you breath and stroke his collarbone. "You know ..." he breathed and looked up. "The table is the perfect height," he said, grinning. "For what?" You ask and suddenly the Jaehyun picked you up and pushed the plates back. "You know that." He took your clothes off completely and pulled his pants down. "We just had...How can you ..." You couldn't say more, his lips were already on your neck. "You turn me on like that." He stroked your middle and tried as fast as possible to stimulate your clit. He was so ambitious that it even worked pretty quickly for you. And so you end up fucking on your breakfast. In the end he turned you around, pulled the plug out again and came in your ass. He made sure that not too much came out and then he put the plug back in you.

Jaehyun turned up the heat, because he actually liked the idea that you would run around naked all day. Since the children were with your sister and Xiao Jun, you had the whole weekend just to yourself. And it made his plan easier too. But you have to say it was nice walking around naked all day. You love to feel Jaehyun's body on you, even if it's just cuddling. You watch a bit of TV, but Jaehyun is slowly starting to prepare for the next round. He puts his hand on your pearl and massages it very gently, just so that you are stimulated very easily. After all, he still needed time to regenerate himself. He had already done two rounds. "Tomorrow everything will hurt me," you say with a sigh and Jaehyun smiled. "I'll take care of you. We'll take a bath, I'll make you coffee, I cook what you want to eat. How does that sound?" He whispered this in your ear and you smile. "Yes, that sounds very nice," you say and enjoy it as you feel his lips touch your skin. You can see a little further, but you could not concentrate more and more and after the time you come to your climax. "Oh nice. You are so hot when you cum," he breathed and now he started to play with himself. "Wait, I'll help you," you say and sit up. Jaehyun looked at you and watched what you do next. You bend down and start giving him a blowjob. "OH SHIT!" He got loud and buried his fingers in your hair. You press your lips together and do your best, but just before he climaxed, he stopped you. He sat up, turned and pushed your upper body down so that only your ass was up. He pulled the plug out and finished his orgasm again in your ass. He groaned loudly and you were surprised he liked it so much. Over the years, you have always been able to find out more about him. “I think I have to put now the bigger one inside you. Is this okay?” You nood and feel the pressure. "Are you still okay? You can always say it if it's too much for you," he asked carefully, but you didn't mind yet. "Everything's fine," you say with a smile and then kiss him.” "You know, I think that's so nice right now," said Jaehyun and put the blanket over your body. "The sex?" "No, I mean the time with you here. We're alone in the house ... we can do what we want ..." Jaehyun gently caressed your body and it was so relaxing to feel him that way. "Yeah, it feels a bit freer", you say and close your eyes for a moment. "We never had freedom in our relationship. Either we were in the dorm or we already had children," said Jaehyun then and kissed your shoulder. "Well, we had my little apartment." You now turn over to him and smile. "That's right. The time there was very nice." Jaehyun looked deep into your eyes and now begins to gently caress your stomach. "Do you miss it?" You ask him curiously. "Sometimes I miss the time alone with you..." He kissed the base of your chest and you start to stroke his hair. "Do you sometimes regret becoming a father so early?" You ask him and give him a worried look. But he shook his head. "No, definitely not. I have to say that I miss the sound of their footsteps on the floor." He had to laugh and so did you. "But since the twins, I think the time between us has been falling short. Which is clear because I work and we have four children. I just want to say that I am enjoying the time with you today very much." He then lays his head on your chest and somehow you had to agree to him. Four children were a lot of work and Jaehyun also worked a lot. You had a little time for each other, but never that much. "Maybe we should take a weekend like this from time to time, like now. The children can also visit your parents from time to time. Now the twins are no longer that strenuous and they can be kept busy." You especially didn't want to give the babies to them because it was exhausting because they were very hungry and always needed something. Since Jaehyun's mother was still not quite fit, you didn't want to overwhelm her with the children. "I think that's a good idea," he said, closing his eyes.

You didn't know how it happened. But you talked, watched TV and at some point you sat on Jaehyun's lap and rode him. The plug in you gave you a new kind of stimulation. The saleswoman was right, sex is more interesting with such a plug. Jaehyun, who had already cum in you three times, now had more stamina. "Yesss, that's good," you moan and get closer to your next climax. You liked the feeling and how much time Jaehyun took for you. The longer he fucked you intensely, the better your orgasm was. When the children were in the house, you were always quick because you could be interrupted at any moment. After you cum, Jaehyun did the same thing as before. He stuck the plug out, just stuck his tip in, spread his cum inside you and put the plug back in. Meanwhile, his previous orgasm ran a little out of you. Jaehyun cleaned you up and then kissed your ass. "What do you do in the end when everything has to go." To be completely honest, you didn't quite understand what he thought about it. "I don't know, the thought of all of my cum inside you just makes me hard." He grinned and you kiss him. Well, it was kind of a Christmas present for him and it was kind of satisfying for you too. But after a while it did hurt you.

In the course of the day it cum again a few more times in you and at some point it was enough for you. "Jaehyun, please take it out", you say and already feel the pressure. "Does it hurt?" He asked and you nod. "Come on," he lifted you up in his arms and carried you up to the next floor in your bed. He then placed a large black towel under you and kissed you gently before spreading your legs. He looked at the plug and could see his cum already leak. Jaehyun groaned at the sight of it and you could already see his length starting to grow. How could he still get hard so quickly? "I see, you're already red," he said then and stroked beside the spot. "Can I still fuck you or is it too painful?" He asked and his dark eyes looked up at you. "Yes, fuck me." You grin and Jaehyun was excited like a little kid. He pulled the plug out and you can feel a surge coming out. You can also feel how Jaehyun got louder and he began to massage himself. The result turned him on and you had rarely seen him like this. "Can I then take a picture of it at the end?" He asked excitedly and you hadn't expected it at all. "WHAT?" You look up, startled. "Without your face. I would love to have it as a template for lonely hours." Jaehyun was really fascinated by his result and also kind of proud. "Okay good. But be careful that nobody sees it. Especially not the children!" "I promise it. I keep it safe just like the sex tape we made when you were pregnant," Jaehyun winked, and you had almost forgotten about it. "Okay ..." You lean back and Jaehyun just kept going. He pushed his length into your ass and immediately his eyes turned inward. He got loud, louder than usual. He let go of his inhibitions and he was just himself. You have to admit, you liked that. Because Jaehyun felt it so strongly and the tension between you was more intense than it had been for a long time, even you were really turned on. Hearing Jaehyun so loud was something new. He just let himself go and could now live out his most secret sexual fantasies on you. And so it came about that he cum loudly too. He sounded so satisfied, so fulfilled, and he stared at his result. Immediately he took his phone and photographed everything between your legs while his cock was still hard. Then he took the towel and cleaned you up. But you twitch a little, because in some places you were sore. "I'm sorry," he said then, looking a bit embarrassed. You sit up and take his face in your hands. "You should feel sorry for nothing. Everything is fine. If it had bothered me, I would have said something." You smile and Jaehyun looked up relieved. "I made quite a mess. What if we take a bath and I take care of you?" He looked at you with his puppy eyes and you nod. "That would be great." You kiss him and you only spent the rest of the evening with gentle kisses and tender touches. Just cuddle and be together.

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ranarh · 2 years

Photo

I've been playing around with AI generated images using Disco Diffusion for a few days and find it very intriguing. DD is open source software that Google Colab provides free access to (as you might expect, you can get nicer features by paying) and can also be run from home. It is a text-to-image generator, meaning you enter a description called prompt, adjust a bunch of parameters to your liking, and watch as an initial colour noise develops into something it "thinks" you described. [Allow me to deviate a bit here: there is a lot of confusion about what computers can and can't do and even more about the capabilities of AI. Right now, they are just dumb machines. Yes, they can produce smalltalk - who can't - and as with any task, if we can use the computer's strength, it shows better results than humans, for example in diagnosing skin cancer, because no human can compare millions of images. But they are just machines. They can't think. They are not alive. We cannot trust them to make decisions for us. Please never forget that, people.]

Diffusion is the math, and Disco is the way it is applied, there are other ways like Latent Diffusion or Progrock (see a pattern here?). If you've used programs like Apophysis or Mandelbulber, you'll feel right at home - change a bunch of numbers, go away for coffee (rendering these things takes time), and come back to find pretty pictures have materialised. Other powerful AI image generators are currently invite only, like the impressive Midjourney and Dall-E, or NVIDIA's beta Canvas that requires quite good hardware.

What I like about the image DD procudes is the density and arbitrary additions taking cues from sources you never knew existed - you literally describe the image to someone else -, it's like being on the client side of illustration for once, and nothing turns out the way you meant to, but is still cool, so you run with it. The same feature of course makes it hard to get it to do what you want (although you can use initial images as a template it will then fill, with mixed success). As a learning experience for myself as an artist, I think it's very interesting to see how much I need to put to words to describe what I want. I'm not one of the artists who smartly write down a description and keywords for their intended artwork beforehand - maybe I should - so I found I had to really make an effort and think, what kind of image, how dense the detail, the camera setup, art style, maybe influenced by an artist? To DD, it's a big difference if you present the same description for a rainy or sunny day. And everything you leave out it will fill on its own; since the AI was trained with images from the internet, I'm sure the eponymous farm will get a burger drive-thru. That's where many surprises lie, what was clear to you, but you didn't say, may have been left out or filled unexpectedly. Even with a good visual library, I think this experience of recalling it in words is very useful to artists. Many images cannot (and I guess, should not) be used as-is, certainly not for illustrations, but they are nice starting points and free to use. However, people have indeed managed to make very coherent, detailed images with it, especially landscapes. Output sizes are quite small with a free account; on the other hand, there are tools available that can upscale nicely to workable solutions.

So, don't be afraid of what looks like math, it's really quite harmless, and give it a try to see what you can make it do. Another tool I have also played with is WOMBO Dream, an app that creates small prompts in premade styles (but also accepts "by <artist>"), with much greater abstraction than Disco Diffusion, and only in portrait format. They too are free to use.

Disco Diffusion: https://colab.research.google.com/github/alembics/disco-diffusion/blob/c8704249481926a126f93741100facbd5471f32b/Disco_Diffusion.ipynb Most quoted starting guide: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1l8s7uS2dGqjztYSjPpzlmXLjl5PM3IGkRWI3IiCuK7g/mobilebasic WOMBO Dream: https://app.wombo.art/

Check Discord and reddit for helpful communities; more links in the comments. Now finally, a diverse assortment of images I had DD create with their respective prompts! They are unaltered.

#discodiffusion #digitalart #illustration #conceptart #googlecolab #abstractart #aiart

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footballfanfictions · 3 years

Text

The thrill of the chase - Chapter One

Pairings: Mason Mount/OC, Ben Chilwell/OC

Warnings: None for now but you know me, I like a little smut here and there...

-------------------------------------------------

"If I have to edit and upload one more post about golden boy, I'm going to scream" I groaned, rubbing my temples. It's not even 10am on Monday morning and I already want to quit my job.

Brianna is sat on a chair, flipping through a magazine opposite my desk, and although her job doesn't require her to be in an office, she spends most of her time here.

"At least your job involves more than just washing and folding sweaty socks with your dad." She mused.

I rolled my eyes at her. She didn't quite get how annoying it is to be a graphic designer and social media manager that is only given the same images to work with over and over. My eyes flick back to my computer screen and the grinning Male on it. He isn't completely unattractive but him being a footballer and what all the praise he has been getting lately must be doing to his ego was enough to put me off. I would go as far as to say I disliked the guy.

"So if you don't like Mason, who do you watch from this window?" Bri was suddenly up on her feet and standing at my office window. It was floor to ceiling and had a good view of the training complex and sliding door access. The office had used to belong to Jose Mourinho both times he had been the manager here, shunning the actual managers office for one where he could see the pitches clearer. The first team trained about 5ft from where she was standing and if one of them were to look up from their drills they would see her staring out at them.

I pulled her away from the window by her arm.

"I don't sit here looking out of the window all the time, I have a job to do"

Occasionally, if I was on a particularly boring phone call I would let my eyes wander over to the window just to see what they were up to, but never watched any one player in particular. I didn't even know who some of the new faces were.

"Personally I think all the ones around our age are really hot -" Bri then started listing the names off and it sounded like she named the entire 23 man squad by the time she was finished.

We were then interrupted by a knock on my office door and Bri's father Dave stuck his head round it and said "sorry to interrupt girls but Bri and I have some kits to organise." He looked more amused than angry, being pretty used to his daughter avoiding her duties by now. "You wouldn't mind bringing us two of those fancy coffees of yours would you Katie?" He asked.

One of the other perks of having Jose's old office was the coffee machine. He had it installed and compared to the muck that came out of the cafeteria's coffee machines, it produced gold.

"Will do." I replied as Bri scurried over to her father and out of the door.

I decided coffee delivery was a good way to get out of having to stare at all the social media channels for a few minutes.

Once the coffees were made I tipped them from the plastic cups into two mugs from the cupboard beneath the machine, it felt nicer to take them to my friend and her dad that way.

It was tricky negotiating opening my office door with each hand occupied by a steaming hot mug, but I managed to nudge it open with a combination of my elbow and the heel of my shoe. I was just praising myself internally for getting the door open when something knocked into the side of me, tipping the contents of the mug into my right hand over whatever it had been.

"Oh shit, I'm so sorry."

I looked up from the hallway carpet which I was worried was stained with coffee, into the smiling face of someone wearing a training kit.

"No that was me, shit sorry. Have I just poured boiling hot coffee all over the star striker or something? Marina will kill me." I put both of the mugs down on the floor and ran back into my office, coming back out a few seconds later with a wad of tissues. I tried to dab the stain on his top with the tissues but they were pretty useless and he knew it too because he put his hand over mine to stop me.

"Don't worry about it love, I'm not star striker, I'm just the left back."

He didn’t seem mad about having coffee thrown all over him. Being a footballer I was half expecting him to throw a fit and go all ‘do you know who I am?’. But he didn’t. Instead, he gave me the nicest smile.

“Please let me get you another training shirt at least? I was just heading to the kit room with the coffees.” I balled up the wad of tissues and put them in the bin in the hallway just to the side of us and picked the mug that I hadn’t dropped back up. Brianna would have to go without and it served her right really for avoiding her job for most of the morning.

“Alright then.” He agreed. “Lead the way, I haven’t been here long, so not sure where to go if I’m honest.”

“Oh right yeah, of course.” I pretended like I knew who he was and that he had only just signed, unsure of whether he could actually tell that I had no idea. He probably did know that as I asked if he was the star striker, when in fact he’s a left back.

He followed me silently down the corridor to the kit room. I knocked once before entering.

“Is that you Katie?” Dave called from inside.

“No, it’s Starbucks” I laughed.

He opened the door, a pair of socks slung over his shoulder.

“Cheers love, come in.” He said.

I looked back at the footballer behind me and gestured for him to follow.

“I had a bit of an accident on the way here Dave and ended up pouring Brianna’s all over…” I was about to ask his name when Dave cut me off.

“Ben Chilwell! I was so chuffed that you’d signed. It’s about time we got an English core to this team back. God Katie did do a number on your shirt didn’t she?” he laughed, clapping Ben on the back, before he went over to a stack of the blue and white training tops.

Ben. Yeah he looked like a Ben. Undeniably he was quite handsome. I saw Brianna out of the corner of my eye, she was sat gawping at him with her mouth half open.

I tried to gesture to Brianna that she needed to put her tongue back in her mouth. She seemed to get the hit and straightened the way she was sat, playing it cool. I tried not to laugh.

Dave passed Ben a fresh shirt, and I got a whiff of the freshly laundered scent as it passed in front of me.

“Thank you so much.” Ben said, accepting the new shirt gratefully. “I’ll try my best to watch where I’m going in the future.”

He gave us all a smile and apologetically said that he needed to get back to training before he left the kit room.

“Blimey!” Brianna sighed once he was gone.

“What?” I asked.

“Sorry that you have to hear this dad, but bloody hell he was fit. I’m disappointed that he didn’t want to change here.” we both started laughing and Dave shook his head, muttering a ‘you two’ under his breath before going back to matching the socks up.

“I’m going to go too, do you want to get lunch later Bri?” I asked, hoping that she would want to walk to the shops with me. I needed a few things and I wouldn’t have much time after work to go.

“Only if we’re getting it here because I want to be in the canteen when they all come in from training.” she was gazing toward the tiny window in the kit room dreamily as she spoke.

I rolled my eyes but agreed.

I spent the walk back to my office wondering if Ben Chilwell actually was as fit as Brianna was making him out to be.

Sitting back down at my desk, I logged back into my computer. I had new emails sat in the inbox. One of them happened to be pictures of the new players for me to edit. I had an edit of every player in the team that I had ready for match days. On a match day I would be in charge of adding time stamps for any goals and then uploading the goal scorer’s picture. Recently, more often than not I had been having to upload the same few pictures of Mason Mount and it was getting a bit boring. The fans loved it though, he was our most retweeted player and often I would read the social media comments, all singing his praises. Especially the young women.

———————————————————————————————————

By the time it got to lunchtime I was sick of photoshop. My program wasn’t running very smoothly, probably in need of an update and I had grown more and more frustrated as the morning went on, having to restart it twice.

Brianna came to my office just before 1 and waited for me to finish off my last edit and lock my computer.

“Good morning?” she asked. “Because no offence you look mega stressed and we don’t need that kind of vibe if we are going to be around fit footballers for the next hour.”

I wanted to eye roll for the millionth time but I cut her some slack. She had recently had a really bad break up and her ex had been a proper bellend. Unfortunately for Bri, she didn’t have the greatest amount of luck when it came to guys. Her ex had broken up with her for another girl and had then continued to hook up with Bri, who had stupidly let him until I had convinced her what a bad idea that was. She was clearly feeling really lonely.

“Someone will come along you know, it doesn’t have to be a footballer.” I said, putting my hand on her arm and squeezing reassuringly.

“But Liam supports Chelsea, so how mad would he be if I got off with one of his favourite players? He’d be begging me to take him back then.” she smirked.

“That’s not what you want though right? To get back with him I mean.” I opened the door and we started to walk down the hallway towards the canteen while we chatted.

“No, I just want him to feel the sting of rejection and know how it feels for once.” she shrugged.

When we reached the door to the canteen there was a young lad with mousey brown hair kind of hanging around. His face lit up at the sight of us and I was slightly taken aback by it.

“After you.” He said, opening the door for us. He had a really strong Scottish accent that I hadn’t heard before. I guessed he must be part of the youth team. He’d probably end up out on loan after loan and we’d never see him again.

“That was strange.” I mumbled to Bri.

She shrugged, walking over to the back of the queue to get food. I followed her and grabbed a tray for myself.

I reached into the chilled drinks cabinet and picked out an iced coffee placing it on my tray.

“Glad to see that isn’t a hot coffee!”

Turning my head to the side, I saw that it was Ben again, standing behind me in the queue and then just behind him, my favourite person of all, Mason Mount.

“Yeah I’m on a final warning about spilling hot drinks over footballers so I’m only allowed cold coffees from now on”. I joked.

“I’m sure Benj will keep you warm in the winter.” Mason piped up.

I tried not to curse under my breath that he was butting into our conversation.

“Mate.” Ben said to Mason, shaking his head.

“What? she is fitter than you said.” Mason bantered back, looking at me rather than Ben.

“Thanks but I don’t need validation from you.” I bantered back, before moving along to the next chiller and picking out a caesar salad and an apple.

I heard the word “feisty” from behind me, but couldn’t tell which one of them had said it as I caught Brianna up in the queue.

She gave me a puzzled look and I shrugged, simply mouthing the word ‘boys’.

As employees we didn’t have to pay for any of our food which was a nice perk of the job and saved me a lot of money in eating out and packed lunches.

We took our food over to one of the tables that we usually sat at whenever we used the canteen and we were joined as usual by some of the other members of support staff.

Brianna was filling them in on my mishap with the coffee that morning while I scrolled through twitter on my phone. I liked to check how our social media platforms looked from the perspective fo the intended audience.

“You’re such a workaholic” Bri scolded me.

I looked up and apologised, tucking my phone away into my pocket.

“You two are polar opposites” Jane, one of the physios said. “I do agree with Brianna to an extent about some of the new faces. If I were a few years younger…”

Jane was a bit like our work mother. She was in her mid 50s and happily married with two teenage boys of her own to contend with. Because she had never had any daughters, she took particular care of me and Bri and loved to join in with our girl talk.

“I don’t think it would be worth the hassle personally” I shrugged.

Jane grinned. “You’re so sensible Katie, and probably right. Young men with too much fame and money probably don’t make the best partners. I tried to say that about my Martin too, back in the day. He was in the army and you know what they say about them!”

We both looked at her waiting for her to give us the answer.

“You know, a girl in every base town.” she laughed. “I tamed him though. Maybe don’t write them off completely.”

I wasn’t sure that I wanted to attempt to find a partner at all. I had been single since things that fallen apart with my ex when we both left uni. At uni we had a lot more time for each other, despite the different schedules and studying. When I had started working for Chelsea I put everything that I had into my job, desperately wanting to make a good impression. Hundreds of people had applied for the position and I wanted to make them feel like they had made the right choice in hiring me. So long days in the office turned into long days and evenings in the office, especially when Chelsea had late kick offs. I just found it easier to be in my office with the radio commentary on, sending out the tweets as the goals went in.

“Katie, are you listening? You zoned out a bit again.” Jane said, waving her hand in front of my face.

“Sorry just thinking about my to do list” I mumbled, trying not to admit to them that I had been thinking about Rory again. Sometimes it isn’t the person that you miss, just the feeling of having someone.

“I was just making you aware that are three young men constantly looking over here.” she said, trying to keep her voice low.

I was curious so I looked, there were a few of them sat at the furthest table, but none of them were looking in our direction.

“Who?” I asked.

“Oh I don’t know the names, I just deal with the injuries.” she shrugged.

“Well that’s helpful then” Bri said, pouting. “I wanted to know which ones fancied me so that I could target my flirting.”

———————————————————————————————————

Ben

“Go and talk to her.” Mason encouraged me.

I shook my head, trying to focus on eating my food, although I hadn’t really been able to. I had just been using my fork to move it around my plate aimlessly.

“No.” I mumbled. “I barely even know the girl. She spilt her coffee on me then got me another training shirt.”

“Oh yeah.” Mason smirked. “Did she help you put it on too?”

“She got you a new training shirt?” It was Billy that spoke now. He looked really nervous and was pretty much doing the same as me, forking his food around rather than actually eating it.

“Yeah from that room with all the kits in” I responded.

“Oh.” he said quietly, looking down.

I caught on then. Billy had been ahead of us coming off the training pitch and I had seen him wait and then open the door for the girls with a big grin on his face. I had thought he was just being polite, but I now realised it was more than that. He had waited on purpose and obviously liked one of them.

“It was the brunette one. The little blonde was in the room too but it wasn’t here that me and Mase were talking about” as I explained I watched Billy brighten back up again. It was the other one that he fancied, not Katie, and for some reason I was relieved.

Mason caught on then too.

“Hang on, do you like that one or something? The kit man’s daughter?” Mason asked him.

He had raised his voice a bit in excitement so I gestured for him to speak quieter.

“Yeah only for the last few years, you know.” Billy responded, blushing a bit.

Mason would probably take the piss out of him for the rest of the afternoon and god forbid if Tammy or Jorginho found out, poor Billy would absolutely never hear the end of it.

“Have you ever tried to tell her?” I asked him.

“Only once, but I chickened out because I heard she had a fella” he shrugged.

“When was that?” I pressed.

“Couple of years ago, but then I kept being sent out on loan so couldnae’ really have asked her out any way” he sighed and put his fork down at the side of his plate.

I decided then that I was going to make it my mission to get Billy to ask that girl out. The worst she could say was no and he wouldn’t be any worse off than he was now. I could even use it to my advantage and casually speak to Katie about the two of them.

I looked over at her table again, she looked a little sad.

I had promised myself that I would focus on my career for a bit and not get involved with any girls for a bit, but here I was on day bloody one simping over a girl I’d only just met. I cursed myself for it.

#ben chilwell #mason mount #football fanfiction #football fanfic #billy gilmour

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defyances · 3 years

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𝐀𝐍 𝐀𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐘𝐒𝐈𝐒 𝐎𝐍 𝐋𝐎𝐑 𝐈𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐀

( where yugen is so incredibly obsessed with this woman that she decides to rant about her )

on: her followers

to start us off, we’ll discuss the main event of irelia’s performance: her relationship with blossoming blade. they are very close with each other, and it can be interpreted as platonic or romantic. i only say this because they establish their relationship as teacher/student, a platonic/familial bond that can be as powerful as a romantic one. but i also digress, given the affectionate remarks they give each other such as:

irelia: i wish i could give you silks, but i must give you steel. blossoming blade: stay by my side. i cannot ask for more.

irelia: ionians into formation! blossoming blade: i’d follow you to the black heart of noxus itself.

&& there is so much more. blossoming blade is not confident in her ability to fight, much like irelia && her lack of confidence in her ability to lead, which might explain why irelia has some sort of connection to her. she sees her as a mirror of herself, and much like she needed at one point, blossoming blade needs someone to support her. so, she will give that plus much more. lastly, irelia’s reaction upon blossoming blade’s death; it is simply undeniable that they love each other.

i am a bit bothered by the lack of interactions between irelia && zinneia since it is implied that zinneia is her former mentor:

irelia: zinneia, you are a master at your craft. zinneia: and fate has sent you to give my craft purpose.

irelia: as a child, i watched you dance at the placidium every spring. zinneia: it was your bravery that brought me to the fight.

i was hoping to have more information on their relationship && the sort of impact zinneia had on irelia, but at the same time, it gives me the opportunity to fill in the gaps! given zinneia’s interactions with the rest of irelia’s followers, she is an elder ( we will not talk about how that isn’t reflected in her card art ) who leads the dance program at the placidium. while irelia’s o’ma taught her how to dance, zinneia perfected it with her lessons, and she became the mother/grandmother figure in her life once all her family members passed away. it assures me that irelia did have a support system ( even if a part of her might disagree. ) i will do a more thorough ( * headcanon based ) look at their relationship in another post.

when irelia said she is a warm && caring person, she really meant it. she cares a great deal for her followers as shown:

coastal defender: generations tended this land. i cannot leave. irelia: we must retreat for now, but i promise we’ll return.

ribbon dancer: stand behind me! they won’t hurt you. irelia: if they hurt you, i’d never forgive myself.

fighting for your freedom is important, yes but not so recklessly. if a battle isn’t turning out in their favor, irelia would rather retreat and keep her followers safe rather than dying in vain. her tone is mother-like, always worrying for them even though they are confident and determined to protect their home, and at their deaths, she is torn apart. she is both grateful ( ‘ your sacrifice mattered ’ ) && heartbroken ( ‘ so young . . . ’ ), which is why i emphasize her hesitance to believe in herself as a leader. she is responsible for their lives and for each that falls, she fails. she cannot fail them ( something she says herself upon the death of her card ); her people deserve to live to see the day of bittersweet victory.

on: noxus

as expected, irelia harbors a lot of hate towards them, and rightfully so. however, what i want to talk about is riot confirming my assumption on how deep this hate runs.

imperial demolitionist: for the empire. irelia: so young, already so wicked.

imperial demolitionist: remember the objectives. irelia: ‘murder the innocent’ and ‘destroy their homes’?

for those who don’t know, imperial demolitionist is a child. irelia is speaking to a child and not in a tone you would expect an adult would talk to a child ( especially one who was brainwashed to commit awful atrocities. ) this confirmed my headcanon of irelia’s white && black mentality: no matter who you are or how you came to be, if you are noxian, she will kill you. she will refuse to see you as anything but a tyrant, and she will continue to allow this hate to fester and dehumanize noxus as a whole. she won’t even refer to them by name! she has her reasons, given how much they have taken away from her, but it doesn’t make it right. as we all know, noxus has slaves, ranging from adult to children, and will send them to war whether they volunteered or not. they have to act in order to survive, but irelia can’t see that they’re trying to live; she sees them trying to kill her home, so in turn, she’ll kill them. && that is a flaw i will cover more on in another post.

even though the faith in herself wavers, the passion to protect ionia doesn’t with how confident she talks back to the noxians. she threatens them, promises to kill them, even when faced with their technology and their machinery. she has that much faith in her people and the land, and it’s admirable. no wonder why people follow her.

on: shurima

i never expected interactions between irelia and the shurimans ( especially with azir and nasus ), but it was a pleasant surprise nonetheless! azir && irelia are two fierce leaders, fighting tooth and nail to secure the safety of their homes; however, the difference between their idea of leading is evident within their interactions.

azir: a leader must see victory beyond each loss. irelia: my heart weeps for every fallen ally.

azir: war is an instrument that can make or destroy its leaders. irelia: instruments create beauty; war ends it.

from my perspective, azir isn’t so affected by the loss of lives in the war like irelia is ( it could be because he’s become desensitized after leading for so long or he truly doesn’t care ), and i could be wrong as i am not so familiar with azir. but with irelia, it is obvious that she is very sensitive towards the death of her people. whether they were close to her or not, as far as she knows, they were innocent souls, and they were dragged into this war unprepared. so many lives lost, so many deaths unjustified — it is simply unfair to her people, who have done nothing wrong. && no matter how many times she’s seen a body belonging to the first lands, it never hurts any less. she’s been able to mask that pain over the years she’s grown, but she still grieves, and it can be seen/heard whenever someone very close to her dies.

another difference i like to point out between the two leaders is their viewpoints on war: azir sees war almost like survival of the fittest. in the second quote, war is a way to create leaders, the best of the best while irelia sees it as destroying the beauty of life. war is a massacre, no matter which side wins, && even though she also strives for victory, she will only remember it as the day that peace died.

nasus: sorrow weighs upon you, but death could bring you peace. irelia: not yet, curator. i am far from done.

this made me snort because it’s basically nasus telling irelia, “k’ing yourself would make you feel better,” but i’m sure it isn’t meant to sound that way. rather, he understands her grief && how badly it is affecting her, so he is “testing” her will to see how strong it really is. if she had the opportunity, would she die && end her suffering there, or would she continue to preserve despite the agony she holds in her heart? irelia answers almost incredulously; if she dies now, ends her suffering now, who will lead her people to victory? certainly not anyone she knows/trusts. so, she cannot die. she will not die, not until she knows that her home is safe. ( this plays a bit into my headcanon that irelia doesn’t really fear death since she anticipates the day of reuniting with her family && ending her torment. )

there isn’t much to say about her interactions with the soothsayer && the voice of the risen other than she’s grateful for their aid in these trying times.

on: miscellaneous champs

lastly, i’ll be touching upon her interactions with in-game characters — which, suffice to say, isn’t a whole lot. it’s a bit disappointing. i expected more interactions with shen, karma, riven, and zed; i expected interactions with yasuo, yone, and lulu ( who is apparently in ionia?? ) but unfortunately, we weren’t given that. but i won’t say i’m heavily disappointed either because we did get some interactions with ionian && noxian champs plus extra.

shen: the balance requires a watchful eye. irelia: ionia needs brave hearts and able hands, too.

much like akali, irelia does not believe in waiting around && letting the land fight on its own. she even questions shen’s philosophy because of the slaughter that happened, which makes me theorize her faith in the spirit; clearly, she still believes in it but not so deeply like shen and the elders.

karma: ionia speaks through me. irelia: then tell me when this bloody fight will end?

she even questions the spirit of ionia itself, in a tone that is tired and desperate to end this terror. she is a lot nicer to karma in lor than lol, which confirms my suspicion that while irelia was initially frustrated with karma’s ( lack of ) action, she has come to understand her reasoning through the years that they’ve worked together.

zed: pledge yourself to the shadows. irelia: noxian tyranny has already forged our bond.

riven: [ dies ] irelia: irredeemable.

isn’t it crazy how irelia would rather side with the “evil” shadow master rather than the former noxian? of course, zed isn’t all bad, and riven isn’t all good, but it just further proves how she doesn’t treat noxians as humans at all; however, i would also like to point out her interaction with riven is if she’s against her. irelia would perhaps give her a chance if her quote in-game with her proves anything: “you want redemption? join me, and kill your masters!”

&& i’m still flabbergasted by her interaction with zed. she might not entirely agree with him, but she’ll work with him without hesitance. after all, they do share the philosophy of killing all noxians.

irelia: join us, prince jarvan. dance by our side. jarvan: i’m afraid i was born with two left feet. it’s a lightshield thing…

jarvan: noxus will pay for what they did to your people. irelia: yes, demacian prince. we will see to that.

so not only does she have shurima’s support but also demacia’s! a bit shocking since demacia is antimage and irelia is technically a mage, but i am glad to see that she and jarvan are on good terms.

irelia: my family...h-have you seen them? kindred: drifting between innocence and consequence.

STOP!! astra and i literally discussed this: if irelia was given the chance to talk to kindred, she would most certainly ask for her family && question why she was spared. of course, kindred would answer ominously, which in this interaction, makes me curious. between innocence and consequence? what do they mean? is her family stuck in limbo? are they currently being judged based on irelia’s actions in life? or are they waiting for irelia to join them? perhaps we’ll never know.

#˗ˏˋ⠀ 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧. ›› the day you died，you did not tell your body.#/ wow this is the most i've written for a character ever #/ three hours n i was just rambling nonsense at the end sfjdhsb

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hannahhasart · 3 years

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Welp. What a weird year for art.

What a weird year in general.

I was talking with my sister and we both agreed in some ways this year was harder than last year because we’re still in a pandemic yet the world has been stressing for us to act like things are back to normal? Last year I know I was angry all of the time. Now I’m just always worn out.

But this is about my drawings, not my well being! (though they’re connected, aren’t they)

I’m not sure if you noticed, but a good chunk of these drawings are incomplete/doodles! Per usual, I let my insecurity about art stop me from making art/I couldn’t finish anything. The most annoying part is I have quite a few “large projects” (large for me) that I simply haven’t finished? I’ve certainly tried, but insecurity and how slow I am at art have prevented me from being better about it.

Good things from this year:

This was my first full year of using my iPad for art! I got it back in November of last year, and it’s still been strange going from tablet to iPad for art. But this is all iPad stuff!

You don’t really see it here, but I did a good amount of experimentation? I think that had to do with having a new art program, but I definitely think I tried out things I wasn’t used to.

Goals for the upcoming year:

Be nicer to myself, jeez! and as always, please try to finish things.

Happy new year! May we all draw more things that make us happy.

2020 2019 2018 2017 2016 2015 2014 2013

(Also dang I really gotta find a new art in review template, procreate hated resizing my drawings for this jfc)

#art improvement #year in review #year in art #I will also give myself a bit of a break because I've had really bad shoulder pain this year #I need to go to a physical therapy person in the next year

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athrialuxegna · 3 years

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Stronger than she thinks Part 5

Triggers warning: mental and physical abuse, violence, swearing

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Fanfiction | Archiveofourown | Wattpad

Hi guys, I updated the last chapters so they seem nicer to read, tell me what you think about it in the comments. I also edited the links to the previous and next chapters as they were a total mess, sorry about that! I hope that you like this story so far, I try my best to readproof it, but some mistakes remain, my bad if it’s bothering you.

Thanks for those who lived a note on the previous chapters, it means at lot! -Lys

What was I doing? That question rang in my head as I made my way to the Child Care Service. I was not a fan of kids, they bothered me more than anything else. Their cries, tears, and temper tantrums were stress-inducing for me. They made me uneasy and self-conscious with their bluntness. As we all say, "truth always comes from a child's mouth" and that's what put me on edge. I didn't know what to expect of my babysitting day. Why did I accept such a thing? Eric, of course. I wanted to know if it was his idea or if it was just a sick joke on Max's part. One can never be so sure about others' intentions and hidden agendas. The leaders had the power to make everything possible within the walls of the headquarters. Why would they want me near orphans? That's what I intended to discover.

I played with my fingers, eyes fixated on the door decorated with drawings, tiny handprints, and a whole bunch of names. How many children find themselves alone every year? No idea, but it seemed that numerous of them had gone through that door to find a new home. It was not really surprising when we knew that their parents took risks on a daily basis.

Patrols in the factionless territory could turn bad pretty fast. The homeless didn't have anything to lose, they were determined to seek their revenge on the system that shut them down without any possibility to be part of it. I understood where they came from. They had to fight to live whereas all the other factions would sustain themselves without thinking twice about them. Except for the selfless Abnegation faction that helped them the best they could by providing them supplies, clothes, and from time to time, food. However, their violence had dire consequences in the Dauntless faction.

As the soldiers of the city, we were to protect and maintain peace in the streets. We were the first to suffer from the conflicts between Factionless and the system. These children were proof of that. I sighed deeply, my fingers caressing the weird painted animals.

" I'm glad you came here, they're really excited to meet you. "

Startled by Eric's deep voice, I turned around to find him, arms crossed, shoulder pressed against the wall a few feet away from me. A small smile stretched my lips, although I could tell that it didn't match my eyes. I wasn't thrilled at the idea of taking care of children. I have never done it before because I was always afraid to make something wrong and being an only child didn't help either. I swallowed thickly, trying my best to keep my cool in front of the young leader.

"Hey, I didn't know I was coming until now," I admitted in a whisper. "I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"Don't be so tense, they're not that bad. I promise everything will be alright, they gave their word to behave." He reassured, eyes locked in mine.

"I'm not afraid of the children," I snorted softly. "I'm more nervous about me being around them..." I shifted my weight on my other foot before adding: "How do you do? I mean, with the initiates and… kids? " I asked, curious about his answer.

Eric snickered, I didn't expect him to be so confident and relaxed, it was as if he had done it his whole life. Which wasn't far from the truth, he had taken care of the initiates since he became a leader five years ago, if not more. I didn't keep track of time as often as I should considering my job but days were pretty much the same since I've been hired to be Harrison's assistant. I felt my cheeks burn and I looked at my feet, defeated that he mocked me for being a pansycake. Which I was, but still, it hurt.

"If I can do it, you certainly can, Chris. Come on, they won't eat you."

Before I could respond, Eric opened the door and made a sign for me to enter. I heard shuffling and whispers, all noises died down as soon as I was inside. The children lined up obediently, aware of Eric's presence behind my back. I felt intimidated under the scrutiny of their innocent eyes. They were of all different ages and sizes, some were almost teenagers.

"Hi," I waved, almost shy. "I'm Christine but you can call me Chris, it's nice to meet you all."

"Hi Chris." They exclaimed in unison.

One of the oldest stepped forward, his shaggy blond hair falling in his chocolate eyes. His joyful smile was contagious, I couldn't help but return it. However, his expression changed suddenly as he seemed to think about his next words. The younger ones kept gawking at me as if I was an alien coming from another dimension. I felt the tension rising in the room as the blond hair boy opened his mouth. Was he the leader of the group or something? Is this some sort of secret children cult?

It looked like it, and this boy gave me a lot of Eric's vibes. He held his head high, his torso pumped, shoulders behind. A future leader for sure... or another Brent. That thought made me frown. How could I compare him with this asshole without even knowing his name? It wasn't fair for the teen. I pushed away any unwanted images. Having a mental breakdown in front of the kids wouldn't do me any good. No doubt that Eric would report it to Max and I was good for an endless "vacation". The other kids looked at him with mixed expressions, some seemed about to explode from excitement or take a run at any moment to come back to their games, and some were tapping their foot impatiently as if waiting for a signal to be able to speak.

"Before we introduce ourselves and let you join us, you have to pass the test." The boy sounded much older than he looked at that moment.

My jaw clenched as I pictured Brent in his place. It was so easy to see the similarities between them. Were they related? If that's the case, I'll make sure to keep my distance. My eyes widened and I stole a glance at Eric who was smirking. He only shrugged his shoulders when he met my eyes. Damn him, he should have warned me beforehand.

"Depends on what this… test is."

What would they want me to do or say? The blond boy made a sign and all children moved in sync to gather around him, whispering between them to come to an agreement. What was that? After several seconds of heated debates, they finally took their original place. Mini soldiers, perfect future initiates, are already programmed to fulfill the faction's goals. Was it Eric's doing? All these questions drove me insane, I wanted to turn around and talk to the leader alone.

I needed some clarification on what's going on and the rules of this Child Care Service. While I was thinking of it, I didn't see any worker or nurse on my way here. Did nobody care about these kids? Was it a wicked way to push me to take the job? I was so lost that I didn't register that the teenager had taken another step forward, standing right in front of me. He was almost eye level to me, he had to be at least fifteen if not more.

"So, Chris. If you want to become one of us, you have to answer one question." The boy paused to look me dead in the eyes. "What do you think of Eric?"

I blinked a few times, unable to comprehend his question. He curled an eyebrow in defiance, a smirk playing on his lips. His expression matched Brent's perfectly, so much that I shuddered. Heat rose in my cheeks, coloring my skin a deep red, I felt hot and cold, shivers running down my spine. I gathered all my courage to not react when I caught a glimpse of satisfaction in his irises. I won't let this brat get to me that easily. In truth, I was a complete wreck Brent and the boy morphed into the same person in my mind, that same wolfish grin on their lips. I slapped myself mentally to snap out of it. I needed to answer that stupid question or else they'll consider me weak and that wasn't an option.

"Cat got your tongue?" Teased the teenager, arms now crossed over his chest, surely imitating Eric's posture, but lacking his charisma.

" No, I… I didn't expect that kind of question, that's all." I felt Eric's eyes boring into my skull from behind. "We don't work a lot together so I don't think I know him as well as you do, but I trust him, he's a good person, even though he's almost always in a bad mood. I also like his jokes." I added more quieter so that the leader couldn't hear me properly. "Don't tell him that I said that but, sometimes, he's not funny but I laugh anyway to not make him feel bad."

I think I gained some extra points with my remark because the kids burst into laughter, clutching their sides as if recalling the infamous jokes of Eric. I tried my best to smile when the blond boy extended his hand to shake mine. His hold was strong and confident, showing me clearly that I just entered his territory.

"Congratulations, Chris, you're welcomed in the CCS." He bent over to whisper softly in my ear. "Eric didn't lie, you truly are beautiful."

Stunned by his boldness, I stared at him, fear evident in my eyes. Wrong move. Something flickered in his eyes, a malicious glint that made me want to run for my life. What he said took time to reach my mind. Eric told him that I was beautiful? I blushed uncontrollably, his smile grew wider, believing that he was the one to have this effect on me. I opened my mouth to retaliate but he beat me to it.

"I'm Aidan by the way. I'm sure we'll get along very well." He called over his shoulder as he turned on his heels and joined the older ones.

Petrified, I jumped out of my skin when Eric's hand found my shoulder. He put it back right away as if I just burned him. His worried eyes plunged into mine and I knew that I was screwed again. Eric was able to pick up that something was wrong. Something that we couldn't discuss in front of the kids.

"Don't let Aidan get to your head, he just likes to mess with everyone. He's a good boy when you get to know him."

"Yeah, I'm sure." I replied dryly, unconvinced.

One by one, the children came to introduce themselves. There were so many names to remember and faces to attach them to, I started to feel a pounding headache making its way into my brain. At least, it helped me get my mind off Aidan and Brent. I already had a fan club following me like lost puppies around the room. Everytime I turned around they would hide behind furniture, playing innocent. This routine kept going for some time before I got tired of walking aimlessly. The only one following me without even hiding it was a little girl who hasn't said a word since my entrance. I crouched down to her level, a reassuring smile on my lips as she cowered a little from me.

"You didn't tell me your name before," I said gently.

She just looked at me, clutching a stuffed bunny in her tiny arms. Her emerald eyes were mesmerizing, I could almost drown into these pools of rich greenery, they were gradually lighter from the center to turn into a deep olive green on the outer ring.. She looked so small and frail compared to the others, I wondered what her story was. Seconds passed and she didn't try to make a sound. I finally gave up, it will take time for her to warm up to me that's all. I brushed her hair out of her eyes, revealing her porcelain skin.

"You don't have to say anything if you don't want to, it doesn't matter."

To my surprise, she jumped into my arms and clung to me even when others wanted my attention. I sat in a chair, humming softly an old song from before the war. I didn't remember the lyrics nor the title clearly, but I could recall the melody anytime. The mute little girl was snoring in my neck as I rocked her back and forth. She dozed off minutes prior, lulled by my voice. I didn't realize that many children were sitting around us, listening and daydreaming.

Eric was sitting in a chair nearby, his hands behind his neck, eyes closed. He seemed different among the kids, less nervous and on edge, he didn't even have to raise his voice to make his point clear. The children surely respected him. The peacefulness lasted another twenty minutes before a knocking on the door stirred awake the few ones who had fallen asleep. I came back to reality, my hand entangled in the girl's brown hair. When did I begin to stroke her head? She looked comfortable on me, her hands held my shirt as if to prevent me from abandoning her. My heart ached painfully for her, she wanted affection and attention, as any of these kids.

"Chris." I looked up to see Eric towering above me, a knowing smile on his face. I rolled my eyes and he chuckled. "It's time for us to go, the next team is here to take over."

I admitted that I enjoyed my day here, as long as we forgot about Aidan. The girl in my arms shook her head, realizing that we were about to leave. Her fingers curled around my shirt, preventing me from putting her back down. I felt bad so bad that I hugged her back and whispered in her ear.

"I'll come back, I promise."

She refused to let me go as I tried to pry her off. I kept murmuring sweet nothings to ease her pain to no avail, she was stubborn as a honk. Eric approached and tried to take her with him but she fought back, crying silently. I didn't know what to do so I let the leader take matters in his hands.

"Violette, look at me." The brunette looked at him with teary eyes, he gently wiped her tears away. "You know that we can't stay all the time here, we have to eat, work and sleep, too." Violette nodded slightly. "We'll come back before you know it, now Martha will take care of you. I heard that she has a gift for you, one that you wanted for a long time."

Violette's face brightens at the prospect of a new toy. She kissed my cheek then wriggled in my grasp. I put her down and she ran straight to Martha who was ushering the elders towards the bathroom. A contented smile crept upon my lips, kids were so fast to change their minds. I envied their ability to forget about their problems as long as they had anything to play with.

"Fear of abandonment, a hard one to fight against at such a young age." Commented Eric beside me. "They're stronger than most of the initiates that I've trained so far."

"That's not right, they're still kids, Eric."

"I know. I don't like it either, but it's their way of processing what they've been through. They grow up faster than the other kids, they have to look after themselves because they know no one will do that for them. I try to be there whenever I can, it's obviously not enough, you know how a leader's agenda is full."

"I can help." I blurted out before I could think of it.

"That's not why I brought you here." He replied without explaining further as we made our way out of the room.

"Thanks, that was… interesting and surprisingly calming."

"I knew you'd like it. So, you'll come back?"

"Sure, I don't have anything better to do anyway."

"Right."

A casual silence followed our little conversation. My thoughts were drifting away when he spoke again.

"What did Aidan say to you?"

"Nothing to worry about, he was just being a teenager." I dismissed with a flick of my hand.

"Don't lie to me, Chris. I saw the fear in your eyes." His tone grew cold. "What did he say?'

"That's not what he said," I whispered. "He kind of reminds me of Brent. I don't know why but I don't feel safe around him. Damn, I'm ten years older, I shouldn't feel like this." I ran a hand through my hair in an attempt to keep my composure.

Eric remained silent as I stopped dead in my tracks before we came close to a more crowded walkway. He turned his head with an eyebrow raised in question. I sighed, debating whether I should talk to him or simply keep my struggles to myself. He must have sensed my hesitation, he tilted his head to the side, eyes narrowing to read into my soul.

"Stop doing this."

"Doing what?" He retorted, genuinely clueless.

"Your "I'm reading your mind look", it's quite annoying." Eric rolled his eyes.

"Then stop thinking that I'll report to Max whatever you say or do, and talk to me instead of overthinking. "

That was my turn to fall into silence, his face softened ever so slightly and I felt guilty. He helped me before I even was aware of it, I should be grateful and trust him, but I couldn't because I didn't trust myself anymore. At least, not for now.

"Chris, I've already told you that seeking help doesn't make you weak nor unworthy. "

My heart skipped a beat, was this his way of saying to let him help me? His cerulean eyes screamed sincerity. Why was he caring so much about my well-being?

"Thank you, Eric. I'll keep that in mind." He nodded curtly. "See you tomorrow, then."

"Meet me here at four, we'll go together."

"Sounds good. " We shared one last look, then we parted ways.

#ericxoc #eric coulter #eric divergent #divergent #divergent fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic #four #eric divergent x oc #eric coulter x oc

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not-playable-character · 3 years

Text

Oh god I know its been an age and a half since I posted a story, BUT I finally finished my Alcina & Sherry fic! I don't think its quite up to par with what I originally wanted but I'm satisfied with what came out. I hope you enjoy!

The first thing Sherry Birkin encounters when she enters the Blue Umbrella lounge room is the tallest woman she has ever seen. She unconsciously let out a small wow alerting the woman to her presence.

Alcina turned in her chair to see the new arrival, “Oh hello, you must be one of the United States agents we have been called to meet.” She says removing her reading glasses and setting down her book.

Sherry continues to gape at the woman for a few seconds before realizing she was being spoken to, “Oh, yeah! I’m Sherry Birkin, federal agent for the Division of Security Operations.” She says as she walks closer and sticks her hand out for a handshake.

Alcina takes her hand, “A pleasure, I am Lady Alcina Dimitrescu. I hope you don’t mind me remaining seated, the ceilings aren’t quite suited for someone my height.” She chuckles. “Please join me.” She gestures to the chair across from her.

Sherry takes a seat, “Thank you my Lady. It’s nice to meet you as well.”

Alcina waves off her formality smiling, “Oh no, no, please call me Alcina, my dear. The title is simply a formality for the men wo have no manners, and it sounds much nicer with the castle.”

“Ahh…” Sherry says before sitting awkwardly in silence, “So, do you know any of the company gossip?”

Alcina covers a laugh with a cough, “Why no, I don’t believe I know much of anything. Most of the lovely employees here don’t enjoy speaking with a ‘monster’ like me.” She rolls her eyes at the thought.

Sherry gasps in shock, “Oh my god, you are missing out! Okay, so did you hear that Claire Redfield and Jill Valentine are totally a thing now?” She gushes with a wide smile at the chance to gossip with someone.

Alcina feigns belief at the rumor, “Truly! I had no idea; they don’t seem like the type.”

Sherry nods her head, “Oh yeah, I heard they are keeping it on the downlow because Chris is crazy obsessed with Claire ‘continuing the Redfield bloodline’.”

“Wouldn’t he want her to have a relationship with a woman? She wouldn’t be able to ‘continue the bloodline’ with a man. It would be his bloodline not hers.” Alcina says confused.

Sherry throws her arms up, “That’s exactly what I’ve been saying! No one seems to care though; they just keep repeating that ridiculous joke.” Alcina nods along as Sherry continues to rant and gossip. “You don’t believe anything I’m saying do you?”

“Not a single word, but I didn’t want to interrupt as you seemed so passionate about it.” She explains as Sherry slightly deflates.

“Damn, what gave me away?” She asks.

Alcina chuckles, “I have met both Ms. Redfield and Agent Valentine, while I doubt they would commit to a relationship to each other, they are both private people. Neither of them would allow rumors to spread about them, they are far too careful for that, especially Agent Valentine.”

Sherry smirks, “They would make a nice couple though.”

Alcina laughs, “Yes they would, Agent Valentine would make quite the pair with either of the Redfield siblings. I can only imagine the children they would produce.”

“Speaking of relationships, would you happen to have a Lord or Lady of your own?” Sherry asks curious about her new friend.

Alcina’s smile falters before recovering, “Sadly it’s not quite so easy for someone my size and with my…. affliction to date. Everyone who is privy to my unique features is out of the question.”

Sherry tilts her head curiously, “Why is that? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Not at all, simply put, Moreau is a lovely man, but we are not very close. No disrespect to him, but he is simply not my type either. Donna is lovely as well, though I see her as a close friend only. She is a touch to young for my tastes and we are possibly too close for a relationship. Finally, Heisenberg, ugh, He is Heisenberg and I refuse to even get near that man. I would kill myself before subjecting to any sort of intimacy with him and it is very difficult to kill me, I’ll have you know” Sherry chuckles at her explanation.

“He can’t be that bad.” She says knowing the tall woman is exaggerating.

Alcina rolls her eyes, “You clearly haven’t met Karl Heisenberg. He is the most sanctimonious, annoying, unkempt, vile man I have ever met!” Sherry is struggling to hold back her laughter at Alcina’s anger towards this man. Towards the end of her continued rant, Sherry can’t hold back her laughter and breaks. Sherry startles her at first, but the contagious laughter soon infects her as well. After a couple of minutes of laughter, they both calm down and regain composure.

Alcina delicately wipes a tear from her eye, “Ahh, I haven’t laughed that hard in years.” Sherry nods in agreement still recovering from the giggles. “Since you brought it up, I must ask about your previous trysts.” Sherry immediately stops giggling.

“Ugh, it’s been uneventful. I’m only 35 and the only relationship I’ve had was barely one at all. His name was Jake, we met during one of my missions, I was supposed to get his blood to stop the C virus. The whole situation spiraled, and I guess we just spent so much tense time together we just were drawn to each other. After everything calmed down, we went on a few dates. I thought he would be nicer outside of a war zone, and he was but not to the degree I was hoping. He refused to stop with all of his sexist comments and honestly was just kind of a dick a lot of the time. Without the tension we stopped being drawn together, though we are still friends. Definitely glad I never slept with him.” Alcina just gapes at her.

“Well now, that was a bit of a rollercoaster. I wasn’t expecting that answer, though if you are still looking, I believe my middle child would be quite the match for you. She seems very similar to your Jake but much better towards her lovers. She can be quite passionate about her work, which extends into her relationships.” She chuckles, “I may be a bit biased though as she is my daughter.”

“Ahh, I appreciate the offer, but I’m not interested dating women.” Sherry says a bit awkwardly trying not to offend.

“Oh, I apologize I didn’t realize. Still if you ever discover that you have an interest, you know how to contact me through Agent Redfield.” Alcina says checking the time, “It seems our break time is over, now we must attend a nonsense meeting to inflate little men’s egos.”

Sherry looks at the clock as well feeling disappointed their time is ending, “Wait! Do you have a cellphone? We can exchange numbers to keep in touch without the middleman.” Alcina nods pulling out her modified phone. “Oh, wow that sure is something.” Sherry says noticing the unusually large phone.

Alcina chuckles, “Yes, I cannot use a regular cellular phone, so Agent Redfield had something called a ‘tablet’ converted into a phone for me to use more comfortably. My girls had to get me modified accessories for my home computer as well, even if I refuse to use the blasted contraption most of the time.”

“I get ya. Here let me put my number in, then I’ll send myself a text, so I have your number too.” Sherry struggles a bit with the large device, but eventually programs her number. Alcina takes back the phone and poses Sherry for a picture. “What are you doing?” Sherry asks as she is being manipulated.

“My girls say I have to have an image for everyone in my phone, so I am posing you so I can take a photograph.” Sherry makes a noise of understanding and strikes a pose for her contact image. After Alcina takes the image, Sherry pulls out her phone as well.

“Your turn! If I have to take a photo so do you.” She says aiming her camera at the still seated woman. Alcina poses regally in her chair and Sherry snaps a photo. “Great! Thanks for this. Its kinda hard to make friends in this line of work so I want to stay in contact with those I do make.”

Alcina finally stands into a hunched position, “I’m glad to be considered a friend. As you can guess friends are a rarity for me as well.” Sherry gives a sympathetic nod. “Now we really must be going, the boys won’t be happy if we are late for this little ‘meeting’.”

As they make their way to the meeting room, they continue to talk about Alcina’s girls, Leon, and many other things before joining their superiors.

#resident evil #resident evil 8 #resident evil village #alcina dimitrescu #sherry birkin

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bettsfic · 4 years

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hi, i was reading your years in review and i noticed that you quit a job of many years to go your own way. i was wondering if you would mind talking about this decision/if you struggled with it? idk i've always told myself that i wouldn't let the idea of a "career" get in the way of what i want (e.g. writing) and that one day (shortly after 30?) i would just quit whatever job i had and go my own way, but as that deadline comes up i find it harder to imagine how i could just uproot myself...

yes, i very much did struggle with the decision to quit (what i thought was) my very stable and lucrative career in finance to get an MFA in creative writing. it’s a bit of a long story so i’m putting it under a cut.

warning for suicidality and sexual assault.

i used to believe i grew up poor, but it was the 90s so poverty looked very different. my dad didn’t work for a long time, and so we only had one income, and we lived in an apartment that was kind of a lowkey hoarder home. as a kid, all i knew was that i didn’t get to have toys, or my own space, and i wasn’t allowed to have friends over. the concept of an allowance was totally alien to me. but it also wasn’t like i ever went hungry. the food we had wasn’t particularly healthy but it was always there.

i didn’t really realize how much that instability affected me until much later, when i noticed other people hadn’t lived their entire lives aware of and obsessed with money. i used to compulsively count the change in my piggy bank and beg my mom to take it so she could pay her taxes (i didn’t know what taxes meant, i just assumed they were the reason we couldn’t afford nice things).

my safe haven was always my grandparents’ house, which was clean and had semi-healthy food and the door was always open. my grandpa was a high school chemistry teacher. my grandma worked at a bank. growing up, i had no idea what she did at the bank, just that it sponsored all the fun things we did, like going to amusement parks and baseball games. my parents never took my sister and i on vacation, but every year, my grandma would drive us to visit our family in missouri, which, even though it only cost the gas to get there, seemed like a wild indulgence to me.

i started working at 16 so i could have my own money. by 17 i was working illegally full-time and getting paid under the table. then i bought my own car, and shortly after i turned 18 i got my own apartment. even though i could pay my bills, i was still terrified about money. i thought about it all the time. i checked my bank account multiple times a day. i was a cashier at a restaurant and i would often open my drawer and just stare at the money or count it when i was bored.

but i hated working at the restaurant, and one day i thought to myself, how can i keep the money part of this job but lose the food part? then i remembered my grandma’s career at the bank (from which by then she’d retired), and that afternoon i sat down and applied to be a teller at the very same bank. obviously the bank was very large and it wasn’t like my grandma was in management. she worked in ATM operations. nobody on my hiring committee knew who she was, and honestly i have no idea how i got the job.

i stayed a teller through college, working 25ish hours a week. it didn’t pay very well and i was still nervous about money, so i picked up a job altering bridal gowns on evenings and weekends, and also an admin job at my university. so i was working 60ish hours a week, plus going to school full-time and trying to keep up my 4.0. in retrospect, i can’t remember how necessary all this was. i know i was living in an apartment whose rent was higher than i could afford, and i lived with my boyfriend who was struggling to find a job. anyway, it was definitely the lowest time of my life, and i was so exhausted that every day i hoped something horrible would happen to me so i could be hospitalized and rest.

then something horrible did happen. my dad died. and even though everyone in my life was telling me to please dear god take a break, i did not.

i got promoted to business finance, which paid what seemed at the time to be an ungodly amount of money. i was still part-time and finishing up my undergrad degree. once i graduated, i got promoted to full-time. for the first couple years, i really did try to be a banker. i was good at my job only insofar as someone who is left-handed can write with their right hand if forced for long enough. it felt very much like i was in the wrong place, but by that point i had so much unchecked trauma that i had convinced myself the highest human ideal was misery and deprivation. i wish i was kidding. i was the definition of ascetic and martyred myself. i didn’t believe happiness existed. work was all that mattered to me.

then i bought a house. so at this point, i had student loans, a car loan, a mortgage, and credit card debt. after my dad’s death, my mom had to file for bankruptcy because of all the medical bills. she abandoned her house. by this point i was 23, single, in six figures of debt with no familial support net, but i was making decent money at the bank, so it wasn’t like i was drowning. in fact i was doing pretty well. the bank was a rock in my very turbulent life. i got a lot of vacation time that allowed me to travel a bit. i had insurance and a matching 401(k). it was really a decent job.

but the bank was also in many ways an abusive relationship. i don’t mean that metaphorically. i had bosses who manipulated me, insulted me, humiliated me in front of other people. i had one boss who went so far as to look at my checking account and ridicule my purchases. i didn’t have any idea what it meant to stand up for myself or say no. in fact i wasn’t allowed to say no. my job at the bank involved solving other people’s problems. i could never say “i can’t solve that problem.” i could only say “i’ll figure it out.”

i had convinced myself working at the bank was a stable career because it was boring and i hated it. but actually it wasn’t stable at all. after 2008, there were mass layoffs and restructures every year while the bank tried to recover from the recession. i worked for a sales team, and so my job was dependent entirely on whether or not the salespeople did their jobs well. if they didn’t make goal, they’d get fired. if they got fired, i’d get fired.

i started trying to date again and was sexually assaulted. after that i really struggled at work because i was dissociating a lot and couldn’t focus. my team, despite my having worked there for years, instead of being concerned for me decided to start complaining about me to my boss. finally i had to tell a coworker what happened and that i wasn’t doing very well. my team started being a little nicer to me but ultimately they didn’t care about me, they cared about how effective i was at my job. my boss didn’t want to fire me, so instead i was pushed onto another team.

that move came with a raise. then that team was dismantled and i was pushed onto another team. that was a demotion, but i got to keep my raise from the previous move. by then, i was working from home, and even though i was more comfortable i was also very isolated and miserable. my “fulfillment through deprivation” attitude was destroying me. i wasn’t eating well or taking care of myself. i was isolated and lonely. i still didn’t believe happiness was real and i constantly thought about killing myself.

but i had started writing fanfiction, and even though i didn’t think i was any good at it, i was beginning to see a way out. i was beginning to learn how to dream, and want things, and give myself the things i wanted. i just couldn’t imagine leaving the bank, or selling my house, or moving out of my hometown. all of that seemed impossible to me.

then i had to go to a business conference where my team had a retirement party for one of my coworkers. she’d done what i was doing for 45 years. by that point i was at the 9 year mark. i’d spent my entire adult life at the bank. and i realized: the bank benefited from my fear and passivity, and nothing in my life was going to change unless i was willing to make sacrifices.

but i still wasn’t entirely convinced. and then came the day i had to physically hold onto my desk to keep me from killing myself. i didn’t end up trying it, because i had another realization: this was a life or death situation now. if i kept working at the bank, i knew i would die. i knew eventually i would get low enough to do it. i didn’t actually want to die; i wanted an escape and didn’t know what else to do. suddenly i was off the hook. my options were not “financial stability or imminent poverty” but “live or die.”

those were the big epiphanies i had, but the process of actually leaving the bank was a slow one. i wrote a bit about it here. i got into an MFA program basically by telling myself repeatedly i would figure out the money stuff later. when it came time to quit the bank, my boss convinced me to stay on working part-time, with the assumption i would move back to full-time once i’d graduated. i agreed to it, because just trying to quit was enough to convince me i could, and that better things were ahead of me. for a year and a half, i stayed on working two days a week while doing my MFA, which involved both coursework and teaching, and it felt a bit like it did during undergrad, having too many jobs and no time to breathe or think or feel anything.

between my first and second year, i had a looooong overdue mental breakdown. there were a lot of causes, but one of them was spreading myself too thin. shortly after, i quit for good. by then it didn’t feel like a big deal at all, i was so far removed from the work and my team and so focused on my degree. one day i turned on my work laptop and the next day i didn’t. i shipped it back to HQ and it was over.

then i graduated from the MFA and suddenly had to face the consequences of this life i’d chosen. my school kept me on as an adjunct, but it felt like being a ghost. i no longer had the community of my cohort. i had no health insurance. i was given my teaching schedule and a contract to sign, that’s it. there was no guarantee i would be getting classes the following semester, and after a year, that was what happened. i remember sitting in my favorite coffee shop trying not to cry when i got the email that said the department had nothing for me to teach the following semester.

i really wasn’t the same after the breakdown. i went from “i can do anything i put my mind to no matter how hard it is or how much it hurts” to “i have to step carefully, and treat myself gently.” i hadn’t fully realized that yet, though, so i tried to get a Real Job. i got the first and only job i applied to, because i am bad at nearly everything but somehow i’m exceptional in interviews. it wasn’t a bank but it offered the same sort of benefits package. it was a full-time salaried position at a non-profit. if i had found it earlier, i think it would have been my dream job. it was the kind of work you throw yourself into because you care so much about doing good.

i lasted a month. during the first week something happened that triggered me in a way i’m very rarely triggered. i realized i needed disability accommodations, but i needed to go to a doctor to get an assessment and i had to be on the team 60 days in order to get insurance. i thought i could white-knuckle it, and i could, sort of, but every minute i was at work, it felt like i was forced away from the thing i should have been doing. i was constantly trying to write a few paragraphs here and there on my phone when no one was looking. i had to find excuses to take breaks and go to my car and breathe. at one point i told a volunteer i was an english instructor, and she looked at me very confused, and i realized i’d said it in present tense, like it was part of who i was and not a job i did for a while. then finally, my breaking point was an after-hours function. when i left i saw a field full of fireflies and thought about how, if i’d just stayed home, i could have sat outside and enjoyed them all evening, not just a glance at them on the way to my car. i liked the job but it was making me miss all the things i’d learned to love about being alive.

i quit the next day. i’d sold my house by then (which was its own feat) and moved in with my grandma, which hadn’t been a possibility until my grandpa passed away the previous spring. i paid off my car. i figured out finally that i would probably never be able to work full-time again unless it was teaching, and that the downside to this life would be accepting fear and instability, only being able to look ahead one semester at a time. staying open to the opportunities that arise. being a little selfish.

i wrote a bit more about the financial realities of the writing life here. i can’t tell you what you should do, because the path i took definitely isn’t the path for everyone, but i do believe we all owe it to ourselves to pursue our best and happiest lives, because we only get one, and there’s no reason not to live it the way you want to.

#writing advice #the writing life #Anonymous

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