#now so has shauna but it would have been lisa. it would have been someone nat saw herself in

[lingeringscars]

i just think there is something about how nat could never forgive herself for javi sacrificing himself for her. she was worse than all of them because she let this kid, her somewhat boyfriend's brother, her own family, her friend, die in her place. it was supposed to be her, she heard the cries from javi and watched him die nonetheless.

but now she didn't watch. she didn't watch at all when it came to lisa. she stole the fish. she intervened with her family. she died in her place. nat healed a part of her when sacrificing herself for lisa. it wasn't right. it wasn't her time. she didn't want to go, but she got to finally pay forward javi's sacrifice in a way that she's never been able to do and always been punishing herself for. she got to heal her inner child by saving lisa. ( the irony is that it may not have happened had she not gone to try and save lisa to begin with. not tipped her off to something happening. these are the consequences of the girls actions. they wanted a hunt through the woods, they got one. they went after shauna and called off services, nat pays the price. misty tries to solve the problem the way she has been but she's not a perfect serial killer and she missed. they covered up the wrong guy at the end of last season. they killed the wrong person at the end of this one. ).

travis didn't break the pact, but neither did she. she did better. (btw travis was on the plane <3)

[dean-winchester-is-a-warrior]

I Believe You, But Tell Me Again

(x)

Summary: Y/N is wondering if Jensen still sees her as he used to.

Warnings/Explicit 18+: Lots of fluffy smut. Sexy af Jensen. Rockstar!Jensen. Definitely a warning. Unprotected PinV sex. Oral (f receiving), Brief fingering, some slightly insecure thoughts, established relationship. Fluff.

Pairings: Jensen x Reader

Word Count: 3,314

A/N: This fic is a request by @lacilou .

I'm not sure if you're taking requests, but I can't get this out of my head. Jensen, in the photo you're using for Off and On Again. Where he's super hot, and he knows it. Kinda cocky but totally in love with the reader (established relationship - married, long-time girlfriend??) And reader doesn't understand why he's so into her, but she KNOWS it even though Jensen has to remind her with "Feel this? It's all for you, "while he's holding the reader's hand over his bulge. If you could throw in "this what you want?" while he's slowly stroking himself as he walks towards the reader, lust in his eyes.

I hope you enjoy it sweetie, and everyone else too.

The dividers below were created by @talesmaniac89

The lights were bright, slightly blinding, as Y/N sat in front of the two cameras aimed at her. There were two cameras so they could decide later on which side was her better side. Or possibly her worse side, depending on the tone of the interview. 

Y/N squinted at the primped and stylish woman sitting across from her getting her makeup touched up. She wondered, would this interview be a friendly one? An interview to say, “Look everyone! Aren’t the Ackles great?” Or would it be one of those interviews that had an edge of nasty hovering just beneath the smile of the interviewer. 

She watched this interviewer, Shauna, pull away from her makeup artist, scowling. “It’s fine, Lisa. Just leave it alone.” 

Uh oh.

The interview started off friendly enough, touching on the things most journalists talked to her about - Jensen’s incredible skyrocketing success, his status as a rockstar icon, what a talent he was. As Jensen’s biggest fan, Y/N always enjoyed those kinds of questions. She couldn’t get enough of bragging about her ridiculously talented husband. 

But then the mood of the interview shifted and Shauna started asking much more pointed questions. 

“Now, Y/N, you and Jensen have been married over a decade now, right?” Y/N nodded. “Is there a secret to your success?” Shauna was smiling, but Y/N could see that her gray eyes were calculating.

It was a question she’d been asked a lot in the last couple of years as their ten year anniversary came and went. People seemed very interested in the fact that their marriage had lasted so much longer than had been anticipated. When Jensen had started dating her, just a nobody from nowhere, everyone had predicted it wouldn’t last. 

People on social media and angry people with podcasts all had an opinion on their relationship.

-- She’s not cut out for the limelight.

-- It’s way too hard for someone like her.

-- She’s not used to the media. She’s gonna break under the pressure.

-- He’s a rockstar who could literally get any girl he wanted. So, what’s up with him picking her?

-- It won’t last. These showbiz marriages never do.

But ten years on, now people were wondering how they actually made it to a decade. “What’s the secret?” They all wanted to know.

“There’s really no secret, Shauna.” Y/N said with a smile. “When two people are madly in love with each other, when they respect each other and work together as partners, staying together becomes much easier.” 

It was a variation on the same answer she’d given dozens of times. It happened to be true, but Y/N was still tired of trying to find new ways to explain to people that they got married because they loved each other, and they stayed married because the alternative was unthinkable for either of them.

Shauna smiled a sharp smile. “And in all those years, you’ve never been worried about the rock and roll lifestyle…leading Jensen astray?”

Y/N kept smiling because she couldn’t falter and let the reporter know she’d scored a hit. They weren’t usually that pointed with the infidelity question. Usually they skirted around it, saying things like, “Does it ever get hard when he’s on the road?” or “You must miss him when he’s touring. How do you keep tabs on him?” 

Y/N’s personal favorite version of this question came from a middle-aged woman reporter with lipstick on her teeth. “Have you ever just shown up to surprise him, or tried to catch him being naughty?” It was said with a cheeky grin as though they were just besties chatting, but Y/N had wanted to snatch the woman bald.

Shauna’s version of the question was the closest anyone had ever come to asking her outright, “Do you worry about your husband cheating on you?”

Y/N kept smiling and shook her head. “No, never. If you knew Jensen, you wouldn’t wonder about it either. He’s the most loyal man I’ve ever known, and the most honorable. I know beyond a doubt that he doesn’t take our vows lightly, and that he would never, ever hurt me like that.”

Shauna seemed slightly taken aback by Y/N’s adamant, genuine answer, clearly expecting some anger or some kind of dramatic reaction from her. When she didn't get it, the reporter just smiled again.

“So sweet.” Was her response, acid dripping from her words.

***

The day of interviews had taken quite a bit out of Y/N, especially the last one, and she was tired as she wandered out to the limousine that was waiting to take her and Jensen back to their hotel, whenever he was done with his part of the press junket.

The limo driver opened the door for her and smiled. “Fatima says Mr. Ackles is almost finished and will be out in about ten minutes. Do you want to wait for him? Or should I take you and send another car for him?”

Y/N smiled back and shook her head. “No, let’s wait for him.”

“Okay, great.” The driver said as he closed the door behind her. 

In less than ten minutes, she saw Jensen push out of the double doors, and amble towards the car. He wore black jeans that clung to his thick thighs, and a gray t-shirt covered by a black, long-sleeved denim shirt. His sleeves were rolled up, revealing the veins and corded muscles in his forearms - muscles he’d gained by long hours spent playing the guitar.

As he got closer to the car, she watched him push a hand through his long hair, sweeping it off his forehead, and she sighed deeply. Good God, he was so stunningly sexy. 

Even when he was just walking, he moved with the same seductive grace he used like a siren song onstage. No matter how many times Y/N watched him in concert, she never got used to that kind of magnetic, cocky seductiveness that poured out of him when he was singing. He knew he drove people crazy. He knew it, and it just made him smile.

He was smiling now as he climbed into the car. “Hey beautiful.”

Y/N smiled tiredly at him, feeling her heart warm at his usual greeting. When he settled into the seat, he reached over and pulled her into his lap.

She squealed lightly as he lifted her, and then chuckled. “You know there are seatbelts we’re supposed to be wearing.”

Jensen shrugged and squeezed her tighter against him. “Nah! I gotcha.” 

Y/N laughed again. “Oh, okay then.” She said, snuggling closer to him. The interview had knocked her off kilter a bit, and it felt especially good to have Jensen’s arms wrapped around her. 

She tucked her head under his chin, and he ran his big hand up and down her arm. “Hey,” he said with concern lacing his voice, “everything okay?”

Y/N nodded. “Yeah, just a long day sitting in the same room, being asked basically the same questions.” She shrugged. “I just wanna get home. Or, well, hotel.”

Jensen accepted her answer, kissing her forehead and then her lips. “Me too.” 

They ordered in their dinner, neither of them keen to face more crowds and questions, and spent the evening watching some trashy reality TV before calling it a night a bit earlier than usual.

Y/N went into the bathroom to get ready. She brushed her teeth and took off her makeup, and as she stood in front of the mirror she looked at her face closely. 

There were some lines there that hadn’t been there when she first met Jensen. She knew there was a gray hair or two hiding amongst the rest that also hadn't existed back then. 

She pulled her silk nightgown tight against her body and could see where she was rounder than she had been when she was younger. Her muscle tone wasn’t as good. 

I should hit the gym more, she thought.

She pinched one of her love handles and pulled at her skin, wondering what Jensen really thought about all these changes. She knew he loved her, knew that he’d always found her attractive. But how was that holding up these days? Did he still feel the same kind of heat for her? Did he still want her as desperately as she still wanted him?

She jumped slightly as Jensen popped up in the mirror behind her to wrap his arms around her waist, and nuzzle his face in the crook of her neck. He wore his pajama bottoms and nothing more. She looked at his biceps flexing around her as he squeezed her back against him, and his round, muscled shoulders, broad and strong, and she sighed. He was still so unbelievably perfect.

She lightly tapped his forearm where it rested just below her breasts. “You scared me.” She said, her voice accusatory.

He chuckled. “Sorry, I thought you heard me.” He caught her eye in the mirror. “But you seemed to be lost in thought.”

He moved his lips to her temple. “What thoughts are swirling around in that beautiful mind of yours? Hmm?” He murmured. 

She shrugged a shoulder. “Nothing.” 

Jensen’s face in the mirror wore a disbelieving look. “Don’t believe that for a second.” He pulled back slightly, and turned her in his arms so she was facing him. A small line of worry was creased between his brows.

“You’ve been quiet all evening; something is obviously on your mind.”

Y/N shrugged again and looked down at their bare feet. “Just tired.”

Jensen put his knuckle under her chin and made her look at him. “Y/N. Tell me.”

Y/N was caught completely by surprise as her eyes welled up with tears. She didn’t know where these doubts were coming from or why she was feeling this way. Maybe it was just one too many snide questions.

Jensen’s face crumpled as he saw her tears. He cupped her cheeks and brushed them away as they spilled over her lashes. “Baby.” His voice was worried and confused. “Hey, hey. What’s wrong? What happened?”

Y/N shook her head. “No, nothing happened. Really. It was just this reporter.” 

Jensen waited for her to continue, but his worried expression darkened slightly in anger.

Y/N bit her lip and debated what to tell him, how to explain the feelings she barely understood herself. Finally she just went for the honesty they’d always had with each other; they’d never been afraid to ask for what they needed from one another, and what she needed was reassurance.

“Do you still want me? I mean, the same as you used to.”

Jensen seemed completely taken aback by the question. Clearly that hadn’t been where he expected this conversation to go. He shook his head.

“Why would you even ask that? Of course I do.”

Y/N frowned. “Don’t just tell me what I want to hear. Please, tell me the truth. Are there things about me you’d change if you could?”

Jensen’s expression turned thunderous and he dropped his hands from her cheeks to grip her upper arms. “Y/N.” He said firmly. “What the hell are you talking about? Where is this coming from? Of course I don’t want you to change.”

“I don’t mean my personality, or whatever.” Y/N explained wiping her tears away with both hands. “But my face or my body, the way I look. I know it isn’t the same as when we first met.”

Jensen shook his head, his voice incredulous. “Well no, you don’t look exactly the same as the day I met you over a decade ago.” He blew out an exasperated breath. “But you know, I’m pretty sure I don’t either.”

Y/N felt her skin flush. “But you’ve just gotten hotter.” She frowned. “Guys do that.” 

She opened her mouth to say something more, but Jensen slammed his mouth down on hers, sweeping his tongue into her mouth and invading her completely. She let out a little whimper as his hands let go of her arms to grab her ass and press her hard against him. He kissed her long, deep, swallowing every soft moan.

When he pulled back his voice was husky with want. “Baby, I don’t know where these questions are coming from, but I know the answers.” 

He grabbed Y/N’s hand and placed it on his hard cock where it tented his pajama bottoms, obviously not restrained by underwear. She bit her lip as he closed his eyes and groaned when she wrapped her fingers around him. 

“Feel this? It’s all for you, all because of you. Fuck, Y/N do you see what you do to me? Still? Always?” He pushed aside some of the bottles and jars that littered the countertop and lifted her onto it easily. His hand slipped between her legs and he groaned at her bare, wet pussy. “Believe me when I tell you that I want you. Every day. All the time. Years don’t change that.”

He shook his head. “In fact they just make things better cause now I know what happens if I do this.” 

He dipped his head, sucking her satin clad nipple into his mouth, while his thick middle finger slid inside her body at the same time. A strangled cry left her lips and she thumped her head back against the mirror.

She felt him smile against her. “Exactly.”

He took his hand out of her to tug on her nightgown. She shifted slightly so he could pull the silky material over her head as he continued.  “And yet, your body’s always a revelation to me. It never stops fascinating me.” His eyes followed the path of his fingers as he trailed them down her arms and then over the soft swell of her breasts. Gooseflesh erupted on her skin and her nipples puckered.

He circled his forefinger around the tight little bud, before dipping his head once again to flick the tip of his tongue against it. 

Y/N moaned deeply and wrapped her fingers up in his honey brown locks. “Jensen.” She gasped as he sucked her breast into his mouth and drew on it deeply, causing her cunt to clench and quiver.

He pulled her forward, to the edge of the counter, and then dropped to his knees. He wrapped his arms around her thighs and pulled her wide open so he could reach his tongue up to tease her hole. Y/N plunged her hand back into his hair and tugged on it before pushing his head harder against her dripping pussy. 

“God, fuck Jensen, yes.” She rambled.

He hummed against her folds before nibbling at her clit, making her knees try to lock around his ears. But his superior strength kept her legs spread wide so he could feast. He breathed hot against her, alternating between flicking his tongue against her clit and sucking it between his plump, luscious lips.

It wasn’t long before Y/N was bucking against his mouth as she rode out her climax while he lapped up her juices. She panted desperately and tugged on his hair again, begging him. “Please Jensen, fuck me. I need to feel you, need you inside me so badly.”

Jensen stood and scooped her off the counter, walking back into their bedroom. He laid her out on the bed, making sure her head was propped up on the pillows, before stepping away from her. He moved far enough back so that she had an unencumbered view as he slowly lowered his pajama bottoms. 

His cock sprang free to lean, hard and dripping, against his stomach. Y/N felt her mouth go dry and a keening moan erupted from her throat as he gripped himself in his fist, pumping slowly.

He walked towards her one slow step at a time. His voice was a growl. “Is this what you want?” She nodded, biting her lips and trying desperately not to come again, just from watching him.

“Tell me you want it.” Jensen ordered.

Y/N nodded again, almost frantically. “Yes, fuck. I want it. I want your cock.” She reached for him as he stood barely a foot from the side of the bed. “I need it. I need you.”

Jensen climbed onto the bed on his knees, grabbing up her wrists with both hands and pressing them into the pillows on either side of her head. He stared into her eyes as he spoke. 

“And I need you too, Y/N. I need you desperately, obsessively. I need you every waking minute. I need your love and your kindness. I need your good soul and beautiful heart.” He entered her in one hard thrust and she cried out. “But I also need your soft body. I need to sink into you. I need to feel you move against me. I need to hear you say my name like a moan. I need to feel you clench tight around me.”

He began moving slowly, sliding in and out of her with silky, unhurried movements. “I will always love you. I will always want you. And I will never need you any less than completely.” He cupped her cheek with one hand. “Do you understand me?”

Y/N nodded and gasped as his cock slid over her sweet spot. “Yes. Yes.” Was all she could manage to chant. But it satisfied him and he began to move faster.

He switched positions slightly so he could lift her hips off the bed, hooking her knees over his forearms. He began to slam into her, hitting that same sweet spot over and over until Y/N was screaming out her overwhelming pleasure and falling into euphoria. 

Jensen continued to jackhammer into her, grunting harshly with each thrust. He pounded into her pussy over and over until she was once again on the precipice of bliss. As his hips faltered, he dropped one of her legs so he could slide his thumb between their bodies and swirl it against her clit. She screamed again and fell for the third time, clenching around him and pulling his climax out of him, along with her own.

The familiar aftermath of damp skin pressed together and lungs starved for oxygen, brought Y/N a kind of all encompassing satisfaction and peace. When Jensen finally rolled off of her, she rolled with him, so she could slot herself up against his side, wrapping one arm over his ribs and laying her head on his chest as he ran his fingers teasingly up and down her back making her shiver.

They were both quiet for a few minutes before Jensen broke the silence. “Y/N tell me the truth.” He said, and Y/N could hear the protectiveness and anger on her behalf permeating his tone. “Did someone say something or do something to hurt you today?”

But she just shook her head. “No, it wasn’t any different than a million other interviews really.” She shrugged. “Something about it just hit me, I guess.”

She raised up on her elbow, chin in her hand, to look at him. “But if you tell me you love me as truly, madly, deeply as you did the day we met, then I believe you.”

Jensen frowned slightly. “Are you comparing me to a Savage Garden song?”

Y/N giggled, but ignored the question, kissing him softly before laying her head back down on his chest. She smiled against his skin as she spoke. 

“I believe you, but tell me again.”

Jensen’s breath ruffled her hair as he sighed contentedly. “I will love you, and desperately want to devour you, every single day of my life - for the rest of my life.”

Y/N nodded, and her voice was full of confidence as she snuggled closer. “Thought so.”

Jensen RPF and Any/All Characters: @lyarr24 @lacilou @deans-spinster-witch @globetrotter28 @suckitands33 @akshi8278 @evznackles @jackles010378 @impala67rollingthroughtown @krazykelly @candy-coated-misery0731 @envyaurora95 @spnwoman @deans-baby-momma

Any/All Fics Regardless of Character or Fandom: @kazsrm67 @slut-for-evans-stan @sexyvixen7 @nancymcl @waywardcheshire

Everything Incl. Fan Edits: @k-slla @leigh70 @eevvvaa @kickingitwithkirk @foxyjwls007 @notinthislife50 @roseblue373 @mishkatelwarriorgoddess @avanatural @mrsjenniferwinchester @all-alone-he-turns-to-stone

[teabookgremlin]

babe wake up lila’s thoughts on yellowjackets 02x04 just dropped. as per usual spoilers below cut. i loved this week’s ep so very hyped to share my thoughts!

- obsessed w/ fugue state tai at jessica roberts’ house. she was on a fucking mission and i respect it. i really liked having her wake up on the way to find van, i was kinda hoping she’d only come to once arriving at van’s shop but i liked to see that tai still had the same goal as other tai

- kinda obsessed with the new cover of the intro song, i mean it always goes so hard but it definitely slapped this week, wonder if it’ll stay this way for the rest of the season or not

- I DO NOT TRUST WALTER he knows what misty likes just too well. the musicals, the flattery, calling her a good friend, he wants something from her and he is trying to get her to trust him. i doubt she will and i want him to die at her hand but we’ll see as long as they don’t end up a couple i’m chill

- misty and crystal singing and annoying the others i love these loser girls so much

- who do we think stole some of the bear? i would say ben but like it would be hard for him to get out there without anyone noticing and i don’t think he has the motivation to go through extra effort for food rn. maybe javi? i don’t think sleep walking tai bc van has been following her. adding this to the list of cabin mysteries right next to who shit in the piss bucket

- “what exactly would you do about it, eat me?” ben no longer gives a fuck he is so ready to be bitchy to these cannibal teenagers and i love that for him

- very interested by lottie this episode oh boy, but as i’m going chronologically lets start with her silence when the hunting competition was proposed. it’s really interesting to me how she doesn’t seem to want this at all, like she does not want the influence she has over the girls, she does not want to be seen as this power and i’m intrigued to know if that’ll change at all

- now onto adult lottie: i want to know if something in particular happened to make her so scared of her visions bc in the wilderness so far she’s just been kinda going along with them so i’m curious to see when that shift occurs

- need to know what the dripping is that mari hears and absolutely loved her asking akilah to help her find it. mari is a hater to everyone but her we love to see it

- AKILAH MY BEST FRIEND AKILAH THE LITTLE MOUSE FRIEND SO FUCKING CUTE AKILAH IS JUST LIKE ME FOR REAL

- lottie returned to bear heart altar to perform a blood sacrifice —> did this bring the moose in some way? 

- obsessed with nat being so protective over lisa when they were with her mother that was so sweet nat really is the kindest of the bunch

- “not a bad person just a bad criminal” shauna you are in not position to judge how good a criminal someone is you also kinda suck at it

- nat taking the fish was so cute

- i don’t even know what to say about lottie’s hallucination except i’m in pain and lottie lee is real we won but i’m still very sad

- nat after they lost the moose made me want to cry. she is putting so much pressure on herself to feed everyone and just ugh she is making me feel things. and then her blaming herself for lottie almost dying too my girl <3

- LOTTIENAT that’s it that’s all i have for the tub scene

- so intrigued by the queen of hearts w/ eyes scratched out, maybe some connection to man w/ no eyes? connection to antler queen? idk maybe we will see lottie find out about man w/ no eyes and that’ll mean something?

- what the fuck happened to javi. where was he. how’d he survive. what’s wrong with him. is that even the real javi. i have many questions

- i think that van becoming increasingly convinced that tai has a connection to wilderness is going to lead to tai leaning into it more to stay close to van. their dynamic will probably start to shift more and i’m so interested to see how

- ok now onto the best part: ADULT TAIVAN THEY ARE HERE WE HAVE THEM MY BELOVEDS HAVE BEEN REUNITED

- just van’s expression when seeing tai, the little barely there smile as she says her name, her little shop, she’s real she’s here i love her she’s amazing thank you lauren

[peach-and-bugs]

Thoughts on Yellowjackets 2x9

if you're here specifically to learn how this season is going to impact my fanfic, feel free to stick around! spoilers start after the cut-off.

So, that was a wild ride! I just wanna say before I get into my thoughts that from here on out unless otherwise specified/stated, my Yellowjackets fics will all be part of an alternate cannon where all the girls stayed a lot closer and had a lot more therapy after the wilderness because let's be real that would have solved so many of our current problems. they still have some fucked shit to deal with, but it's not as bad as it is in actual cannon because our cannon is making me so sad.

but anyways! thoughts and spoilers for the season 2 final start now!

Gotta say I was loving it till we got to the hunt. Though I absolutely didn't want it and knew someone would die, I was convinced either Natalie, Van, or Lisa. logically, those just made the most sense to me, so I wasn't surprised when it was Natalie. However, Misty????? You really had to do that to her, again. I'm horrified to see what's going to become of her in season 3. and Natalie's arch through this season is so heartbreaking. She was finally making progress! she was forgiving, working so hard to better herself and she was feeling better. after over 25 years of being on the downhill, she was finally finding her way up, only to be killed to further traumatize Misty.

However, I do know though that it's very likely Natalie was our victim because Juliette Lewis has been actively talking about getting back into film and tv takes a lot of time, especially for a main character, so they had to find some way to write her off. We don't know when this choice was made, so Natalie's rather strange arch was either a victim of a spur-of-the-moment change, or it's just frustrating writing. had the plan always been from the start of the season to kill Natalie, I'd be even more disappointed than I am because she had a really good setup for development! She was really starting to heal, and having the plan from the start be her death felt like a waste of all that development.

I really don't have much more to say about Natalie if I'm honest because I'd like to wait for more explanation on the creative choices made and if Juliette really did ask to be written off, but I have so much to say about Misty, because holy shit, what have they done.

Misty is already so broken. having her kill Natalie with her hand isn't going to change her character. this isn't going to result in any positive development for her. it's literally just going to crush her. Misty killing Natalie is 100% a callback to Christen/Chrystal and I think we all know that, but the issue is that there is no growth between those two events. it would be one thing if Misty had felt no remorse for Christen/Chrystal back when she died only to kill Natalie and really realize what she's done and is capable of, but she did know and she cared.

They took the time to show it in 2x7 when she has to step away from Shauna, blood on her hands to sob and cry because she knows she did something wrong. At that moment, she realizes everything she's done wrong, and she is fully at her lowest. She beats herself up, cursing her hand because she's fully realized the situation they're all in is, in fact, her fault. I think the only way Natalie's death could have any "positive" impact on her growth would have been had she not had that meltdown in 2x7. Had she stayed completely focused and diligent, more concerned with keeping the truth behind Christen/Chrystal's death than thinking about her fault or blaming herself, then she could have had that breakthrough as an adult after Natalie dies. At this point, Natali's death is only going to force her down under the water more than she already is.

I think all this is going to do is have Misty drastically pull away from her friends. Misty is a caretaker. No matter how unconventional her methods may be, ultimately that's the role that she plays, or at least tries to play. She puts others' concerns and needs above her own and goes to any extreme that she needs to because her friends are her priority and she thinks they're worth taking that extreme action if it means they're safe.

But, try as she might, her friends still die, and she keeps finding herself at the helm of those deaths, but not on purpose. She repeatedly finds herself with a hand around her wrist, forcing her to push the big red self-district button flashing in front of her. But she ignores the hand that's forcing her. She eliminates the middleman and decided those tragedies are her fault. because she is there and trying to help, any harm is ultimately a result of her failure. And a lot of her more drastic actions are extremely logical, literal, and calculated to her. In her mind, they're completely foolproof, so when they fail it's directly because of her. (Personally, I think an argument could easily be made that she's autistic, but that's for another post. If anyone is interested please let me know! I'd love to talk about it).

In season 3, we're going to see a whole new side of Misty that I don't think I ever wanted to think about. She's going to be broken and a shell of herself, more so if Natalie had been killed in any other way. Had Lisa shot Natalie herself, sure there would have been some grief and self-blame, but not at the same level as this. She's going to completely retreat into herself, removing herself as much as she can because she feels everything is her fault, and Natalie's death is just the nail in the coffin driving that "fact" home for her. Our sweet, bubbly blond who is always readjusting her glasses, who loves her bird and is a proud citizen detective is gone, and I don't know how else they can move her story forward.

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 1991 Thank God, I finally got my grocery shopping done. I used coupons for my coffee that I’d saved. Also, I used coupons for stuff I didn’t buy. The cashier took all of them. She also gave me $5 back in cash instead of food stamps. How nice. Kim gave me 6 postage stamps and also took me to a bookstore. There, I intended to buy two journals with my $10. I was sick of never being able to shop or buy anything for so long. Finally, I said, “To hell with it. I’m on my last journal so why not?” She threw $10 in my face and said it was a gift. I was shocked and ended up buying 3 journals.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 1991 Once again I got up earlier than I intended to, but I did sleep 8 hours. I’ve been up since 2:30 and I’m waiting for Andy to call. He’s gone out to get himself a pack of cigarettes. We’re going to make some calls. He is, I mean, by using his 3-way. Of course, I never got to Food Mart last night but I figured Kim would back out anyway, even if I didn’t. Who knows if I’ll go tonight? At least I still have some food and right now I’m cooking chicken wings.

I wish I knew when I was moving and when all this court shit will be over. I want to move more and more as I’m isolated and abandoned more and more by Kim. I’m really pissed off about her getting me all psyched up about my ear operation. She really put on a good I’m-all-excited act and I of all people should’ve known better. I’m supposed to know people better and not rely on them, but her act had even me fooled. She really seemed just as excited as I was. You don’t do that to someone who’s always wanted to hear out of two ears. I feel so let down by her and so disappointed in her in so many ways. As I said, she has her own life and I respect that, but she should’ve told me she’d be too busy to do much of anything with me rather than lie. When I remember her saying how she moved me up here cuz Mark’s so quiet and boring it makes me laugh. What a joke.

Later…

Andy and I are making calls now together. We are using new phone names. He’s Paul and I’m Shauna instead of Daryl and Lisa. He’s going to leave a nice long message on Nervous’s boss’s machine all about Phoenix. It’s been so long since Nervous has heard from his favorite femmy. It’s about time, when he least expects it, to get a message. He’ll love it.

Later…

He is leaving Nervous’s message now and he’s reading from a magazine skipping every other word. Of course, he’s bringing up other fond memories such as how Sasha broke his desk drawer, Tracy borrowing $20 and the grand old time he had being our slave at the bitch. We’ve been calling people in PHX with funny last names. I also read to them from my journal skipping every other word. He’s getting tired so he’s calling Nervous cuz he’s probably at work now. However, Dick, his boss, will probably answer.

Later…

I just hung up from Andy who’s going to sleep now. We tried calling Feinstein’s Leather, but the machine still picks up. I was hoping one of them would answer but they probably know it’s us calling and are there but won’t answer. I called Nervous two days ago at Feinstein’s and he answered telling me he’ll call me within the next few days. I hope so. Two days ago, I also spoke to Fran and told him I couldn’t get a hold of him. I asked him for the number once again and sure enough, as I figured, he had accidentally given me the wrong number.

Man, oh man, is it raining out there. It’s been coming down hard now since I woke up. I’ve got this drab and sluggish feeling like most people get when it rains. I hate damp dreary days such as this unless it’s in the heat of summer. Then it’s more of a relief when it pours like this in the summer. I feel very tired as if I could take a nap. I’ve got to stay up, though. If I were to fall asleep I’ll be sorry and I’ll have my schedule fucked up again. On the other hand, I’ll set my alarm and only allow myself a 2-hour nap. After that, I’ll make myself get up.

Later…

I decided not to lie down. About 20 minutes ago, the phone rang and I thought it was Nervous’s boss calling to chew me out about Andy calling since they only knew how to get a hold of me. It was Tammy instead. She told me she ended up in the ER after an attack and told me everything they did. It was exactly what they did to me and they gave her Alupent and other stuff. They gave her shots, too. She said this all happened yesterday, but it’s acting up again. Now she realizes how scary it is, she told me. She said she can’t even smoke or move and I told her that’s the worst stage and the only way to get better is to go to the ER. Time is either your best friend or your worst enemy with asthma, just like with heart patients. Once it gets really bad like that, it won’t go away without going to the ER for an updraft and an injection of Ventolin. I told her to keep me posted.

What a boring day this is going to be. I wish I could get my shopping over with right now. Right this very minute. I also better go into Greenfield and sign up for fuel assistance from November-March. I’m quite sure I’ll be here through the month of November, so I’ll sign up. I hope to hell I’m not here through December and January as well. I’ll miss this apartment, but I’m so sick of being ignored by Kim 100% of the time. I only want to be ignored 70% - 80% of the time. Most of the time, not all the time.

I hope someone gets me an electric typewriter for my b-day or Chanukah.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 1991 In an hour and a half or so, I’m going to go get my bangs trimmed. The girl that does my hair is cute but has extremely short hair and there’s another one who’s drop-dead gorgeous. Really long hair, a nice face, a nice body, and oh so straight. Is there anybody else like me in this world? I mean, this is the type to bet on and always win. Betting on if she’s straight or gay. If I bet she was straight before finding out how true that is I’d win all the time. This is the type you know without asking, and are 100% sure she’s straight. Of course, I’d never ask anyway. Also, she’s good looking so she’s definitely mean.

Damn! There’s nothing like having the average guy want me, the average gay woman rejecting me, and me not wanting the average gay woman. I don’t want just about any gay woman. I hate wanting a real woman and the gay ones look like men. Like I said, if I was looking for a relationship, that’d be unrealistic, but all I want is one night. One fucking night when I finally can experience lust and that real spark and then I’ll gladly go on carrying it in my head like always. Why is God so determined to stop me? How many more times must I go to bed with someone I’m not attracted to till he lets me have my way? If I can never go to bed with someone attractive, then God, give me the gift of not caring about looks like most people don’t. That way I can still have fun with a few one-night stands a year. I’m absolutely not going to get in bed again with an ugly or just a so-so person ever again. If I’d been straight, I’d get a zillion offers from all kinds of women. Thank God for one thing, though, and that’s that I don’t want a relationship and I’m not bullshitting. I’d never lie in this book and if I knew then what I know now, things would’ve been different. Like I said before, though, it’s normal in your late teens or early 20s to feel the way I used to whether you’re gay or straight. Everyone’s naïve and impractical at that age. But after you go through the experience of learning all about life and people, most people remain suckers and just can’t be independent and they’re desperate and they settle. I have self-respect. Same thing with singing and having a baby. I may have fooled myself about being a singer longer than I should have but I know now I’ll never make it. I don’t want to have a kid as much as I did but I do still think about it and was wrong about that, too. Yes, you do have to be rich to have a kid. If not rich, then close to it.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 1991 I fell asleep yesterday at 3 PM and believe it or not I managed to sleep till 3 AM. I woke up a few times, though, and took my meds. I have to take them again soon. For the last couple of days, due to changing my schedule, I wasn’t quite taking them regularly. As the Theodur is for prevention against attacks, you need to keep it up at a certain level in the blood. I ended up feeling like shit cuz of this and almost had a bad attack. Overall, it’s so good to be feeling so much better and those vitamins Ma sent really do help. No more getting one cold or flu after another. I was skeptical about those vitamins helping as you usually feel no difference. People will do anything to make a buck.

Well, the time has finally arrived for Shadow to be fixed. Earlier this morning Kim gave me the cat carrier and I took him to the vet where he is now. Luckily it’s so close. While I was waiting for them to open, I could see this building from where I sat on their front steps. I got there a few minutes before 8:00 but didn’t have to wait too long. I’m to go get him at 2:30. I already miss him and I love that cat so much.

A funny thing happened as I was on my way there. This car pulled up beside me and I thought the guy was going to offer me a ride. Instead, he said, “Aren’t you the girl I met at the barbershop who’s going to be a country singer?”

I wasn’t sure if he was familiar to me or not and I had only been in there once to ask the guy who owns and works there about trimming my bangs. He was the only one I spoke to and we never talked about music and I never went back again.

So anyway, the guy just said that he wanted to know my name in case I make it someday.

If I really did not speak to him anywhere (I’d remember as I’ve got a great memory) then maybe he’s connected to the police, Maliheh or the advertising company. That’s all that was said to me anyway, then he pulled into the driveway of United Bank. Since he never did offer me a ride, which is the usual case when a guy pulls up that you don’t know, maybe something’s up. Speaking of Maliheh, I still haven’t gotten a subpoena to go to court in Northampton.

Later…

In about 15 minutes I’ll be leaving to go get Shadow. He was very good about the trip over there, but he and I both won’t enjoy it as much this time. It’s really raining quite hard out.

I hope Peter doesn’t call while I’m gone if he calls at all. I need to ask him some questions about my thermostat. It works, but not on auto like the AC does. I’ll also ask one of the guys who works out back to come up and take my living room screen out again. It’s filled with spiders and a huge web. He came up here the day ma was here with a brush and brushed off the screen but it didn’t do any good. This time I want him to do that again as well as Raid the screen. I’ll go leave a note on my upper door for the guy just in case he does pop in while I’m gone.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 1991 I just spoke to Steve a little while ago and told him about CT. I also spoke with him more about my phone call case. I told him I spoke to Tammy. Yesterday Tammy spoke to Mark. Now I’m worried more and more and I just do not know what to think. So many people have said different things. Also, the same people have said one thing and then another. An example of that is, Chief B told me that I probably wouldn’t be fined as I can’t afford it. He also told me he doesn’t think they could afford to put me in jail and that the jails are overcrowded and it’s not the most serious offense. Carol, my lawyer, and Mark and Kim told me they probably wouldn’t put me in jail, but then in the Greenfield paper Chief B changed his story. He had said 2 years with a $500 fine or 5 years with a $1,000 fine. Also, Mark told Tammy that cuz the company I called is a big part of this town and cuz I’m in a small town, I may be fined or do some time and they’re really gonna push it as far as they can. Or I’d be on probation but maybe not allowed to leave the state for a while. Mark still feels I should get my tapes back in the end and I mentioned to Steve that my lawyer said the DA has to duplicate my tapes. He said that’s very true as it’s still my private, personal belongings. I’m determined not to let them win in this case as they’ve already gotten their number one wish - no more calls from me. Secondly, I can’t go to jail as I’ll get killed or beat to within inches of death. I would rather kill myself than be murdered. Having to defend myself against one girl in jail is one thing but not 3 or 4 or more girls. And you know they gang up on tiny girls in huge clusters and that most girls in jail are there for much more serious crimes. There are mostly big butches in jail who have beaten people or killed them and not in self-defense, either. A lot of them do it strictly for laughs.

Later…

I am listening to a bootleg tape of Linda I got from a record convention in Boston or Chicopee. It’s amazing how strong her voice is. All the time. Linda can always cut it in concert as well as in recordings. I doubt she’s ever sung like shit for one day in her whole life. Gloria, on the other hand, is usually not as good in concert. I have Gloria singing Don’t Wanna Lose You on tape from music awards and it was so pitifully bad. The look on her face, as well as her band members, was like, “Oh my God.” I have a few concerts on video of hers that are not too great, but that was the worst. I wonder how Linda can keep going and going without losing her voice or getting sore throats. Well, maybe I could answer that if I didn’t smoke and did my voice exercises regularly. As a smoker and one who doesn’t do her voice exercises daily, I’m a good singer. I know, however, I could be a great one if doing what I need to do to make that possible wasn’t so impossible. I know, at this point for sure, I’ll never quit smoking permanently no matter how much I want to or how sick I get. Oh well. You only live once.

A few nights ago I was feeling a little bummed, so I called NCC where I had a talk with a very encouraging and positive woman. Not only did she tell me she knew some very feminine professional and decent gay women, but she mentioned this thing called the Gay Alliance. It’s supposed to be geared towards having more stable and upper-class people meet. Besides support groups, they have dances and more feminine people in a safer, cleaner atmosphere. Less trash to sort through than you would in a bar. She told me that the reason why I feel as if there are no feminine gays, is cuz when you see a butchy one walking down the street, they’re so obvious. She then said I’d be surprised how many are walking around appearing very feminine. I still feel there’s one in millions and you know how I am. In some cases, this one especially, seeing is believing even though I’m living proof of one. I still say it’s bullshit and I’m a fluke of nature. Tammy mentioned seeing something like this in some paper out there so since I’m not gonna be here too much longer, I won’t bother. At least I hope to hell I’m not here too much longer, let alone jail. Now here’s the main point of the conversation I had with that woman, who, by the way, took my number to give to some people she knows, but I know better.

The woman named Nancy, now that I remember it, had an idea about Maliheh which I never thought of or considered after I told her the story. In my mind, I’d say she’s only got a 10% chance of being right, but I’ll write about it anyway. I have nothing better to do.

At one point during our conversation, I was telling her how every person I’ve ever wanted and tried to pursue, brushed me off or really slapped me in the face with serious rejection. The more I wanted someone, the more severely they rejected me even if I pursued them respectfully. Without getting pushy, I mean. I told her that is why when I want someone, I’ll never approach them again. Ever. I also expressed my belief that God is influencing these things to happen and that I didn’t know why. I could almost be sure that if I picked 10 ugly women and hit on them, 8 or 9 out of the 10 would be flattered and take me up on my proposition. The 1 or 2 that brush me off, would do so kindly. That’s more than bad luck or a coincidence to me. That’s a case of it’s not meant to be.

So anyway, I told her how interested Maliheh seemed and how she flipped on me when I left that “Dear John” message, as she called it. Nancy felt she had flipped cuz she really wanted me and still did and couldn’t handle my rejection. She said that people have strange ways of reacting. If this is true then I wonder why we never got together for a week. This happened after we met and not only did I sense maybe she wasn’t interested after all but knew God would not allow me to have her. Plus, yes I’m scared to death of people for so many reasons and that awkward feeling came over me despite how much I was attracted to her. So I figured, if I didn’t dump her, she’d dump me or time would go on with me never having her. I like to chase, guess and wonder but not forever. I also only want to capture for one night but I know it’ll never happen as long as I live. Like I said, to me, Nancy has a very very slim chance of being right with her theory. I believe she really didn’t want me after all and was truly pissed when she thought that I thought she wanted me. If she felt so hurt and rejected, then I’d think she’d try harder and not give up so easily and get as pissed off as one would get if they lost a winning lottery ticket for a million bucks. I’d like to believe Nancy’s right, but my past history tells me otherwise. There have been too many others who have found out I liked them through me or by someone else and believe me when I say they weren’t too happy. They were quite angry.

Maybe I should get a sign that says ‘I’m not straight, I just look it’ if I want to go out again.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 1991 As I continue to reverse my schedule I’ve kept quite busy playing with Shadow on and off all night. It’s amazing how much I love that cat and how much he loves me.

I wrote a song called A Light in the Dark. I’m very happy with how it came out.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 1991 I have spoken with Ma and Tammy both and have made a very final and definite decision. I’m moving to CT. I feel way too isolated here and have no way to save up for my goal. The expenses are just too high and it’s been the ultimate struggle of my life. There’s no bus line and Kim’s got her own life and is always very busy. I have no one and nothing. I’d hate to be involved with too many things and too many people cuz that’s how you get burned. On the other hand, when you’re completely isolated you’re safer, but you go insane.

I have to return to court on October 4th and if that’s not my final court date, I’ll just leave and say fuck it. Yes, I’ll lose any chance of ever recovering some or all of my tapes as well as my $80 answering machine, but I’ve got to split ASAP, and Andy can replace some of the tapes. Also, I wouldn’t want to, but I can live without an answering machine and can always get a new one someday. Plus, even if the DA were to say right this second, “Give Jodi O her tapes back and everything else you have,” they’re only gonna fuck with them by breaking them or conveniently losing them. sighs I’m so sick of people taking and breaking my things.

I will miss this apartment, and according to Tammy, the apartment they looked at is small but it’s a 2-bedroom, modern apartment where your heat is included. I hope I get the heat I pay for. I did with Carabetta and from what I heard they have that kind of heating system Carabetta had. No old fashion radiators. Also, it’s wall-to-wall carpet with laundry rooms and even an elevator. Since I don’t do first floors I guess I have my choice of second and third. If the third floor’s the highest, that’s what I want. So, as Tammy’s said, it’s small but at least I’ll have my family, a bus line, more things to do, and I’ll be typing for her for $30 or $40 a week and can save to leave the east coast.

I spoke with Andy the other night who made calls and he also blared some of the edits through the phone into my speakerphone and into my boom box. God, I’m so pissed just knowing only 10% of the material on all those will be recovered! All the time and money I spent on those tapes. Tapes that were totally blank. Songs from other people’s tapes I don’t have. Nervous and Fran convos I’ll never have again, crossings, and the list goes on. I’ll never trust anyone again and from now on anything private or personal is to be disguised to a T. I’m still so paranoid to write my own fucking life, thoughts and feelings in this journal, terrified that someone somewhere will, take, steal or destroy it.

I hate people, man! I hate fucking people! If I ever do meet new friends or eventually was able to settle for a so-so-looking woman in 10 years how can I ever trust them? No matter what she looked like, if I met a woman, how am I ever gonna handle it after Maliheh and all the others that fucked me over or just weren’t that great? How can I ever trust again? How can I ever believe or be confident in anyone again? How can I ever even have sex again? How can I ever get involved without pushing that person away? How can I get involved without running away scared? How can I ever have confidence in myself in a part-time relationship like I do as someone’s friend? How? How? How? How? How? How? How will I ever be able to handle a compliment without doubting the person? Will anyone be able to say they like or love me with me being able to believe them? Will I ever be able to trust anyone?

I think that over the last year after experiencing what I have and knowing what I do now I’ve come to know and accept that none of the above will ever happen. Even though 5% of the time I still wish I could have just one night with someone attractive. Someone I feel that sexual spark with. The type of character I usually can never get, I’ll never have sex again if my only choice is the same ongoing pattern. Never again is sex gonna be a boring chore. No spark, no sex. Just like with singing. No singing, no big 40-hour-a-week job.

Later…

Well, I managed to stay up until noon yesterday as I got my schedule screwed up again after 3 weeks. I only slept until 6 PM, though, as I woke up to the sound of Kim running her bathwater. My bathroom’s right across from the bedroom. And directly behind my bathroom is hers.

Tomorrow I was gonna go to the Big E with her but since I’ll never be able to go to bed and get up at 9:00 which is when she wants to leave, I won’t be going. She wants to stay till 4:00 or 5:00 which is much too long to need or want to be there. 3 hours or so would be different. Plus, she’s backed out on me so many times before that I don’t feel bad about it, and I said I’d do to those what they do to me from now on. Within reason, that is.

Now, I’m contemplating and toying with the idea of doing my writing in notebooks from now on. I’m not sure yet. Notebooks are cheaper and they’re easier to write in as the pages stay open better. Journals like these are more expensive but much prettier, durable and they’d last longer. Would I want to invest more money into something that very well may be taken away or stolen or something like that?

After being in Brattleboro and Valleyhead, remember how I said I’d always fantasize about being invisible? I’d lay in bed at home in Longmeadow late at night wishing I could snap my fingers and be there invisible. Once there, I’d go up to everyone who treated me like dirt and slap them upside the head. Well, now I wish I could be invisible and soundless, meaning if I screamed, talked or laughed no one would hear. Also any object I touched could become invisible if I so desired it to. If I could make this fantasy a reality for one single day I’d go to the police department and get my stuff, then go to any restaurants I could and steal the tips. I’d also be able to go to wherever my mother and other people I don’t like are and either punch them or just poke at their faces. Maybe rearrange a few items too. I’d also make sure I did this while someone else was there to see them freak out and think they’ve lost their minds.

Later…

I spoke with Jessie earlier about CT and she said she’ll definitely get those suits mailed out and see me in CT, if not here. I hope she puts enough postage on the envelope as I can’t afford to pay the difference. I’ll also get in touch with Steve, Jai and Paula. I won’t even bother to give my new number and address to Jimmy who I had a great talk. He got caught drunk driving so he lost his license and may also be doing jail time so he won’t be able to. He tried calling me but dialed the wrong number. Hank, I have not heard from in ages and when I call he never answers. Fran, I won’t bother with after I move. He changed his number like he does every other month which he had given to me over the phone. He either gave me a phony number or I copied down the wrong number. Chances are neither of the above is correct. He probably thought he was giving me the right number, but by accident gave me the wrong number. You know how stupid Fran is. Unfortunately, I’ve never gotten a call or a letter from Nervous, but it’s his choice to either contact me or not if he wants. I do wonder what he’s up to nowadays.

Later…

Hank called me an hour ago. He was in St. Francis Hospital in CT due to his heart. That’s what I figured. Hank gave me Mattie’s number and while he was on the line I called her and freaked her out with the edits. I wish Hank had 3-way and I hope Fran hurries up and calls before I move.

This time, when I tell Fran I’m moving, I will give him a phony number. He’ll probably try to get the number from Mom, but of course, she won’t give it to him. I have the feeling, however, that he’s lost Ma’s number and he’s always losing shit and lost my new number here when he moved to another floor in his building. That’s Fran for you. Luckily some people are stupid as it’s convenient for those who aren’t.

Later…

I made sure I stood up as late as I could and slept as late as I could. I ended up getting up at 7:00 this evening to reverse my schedule again. In another 2-3 days, I’ll be on days again. I need to be as I’ve got some errands and other things to do. Monday, Shadow’s gonna be fixed. I’ve got a form sent from Boston for half off as I’m low-income. Between Shadow’s shot and his being neutered, it should cost about $25. He only needs one shot, they told me, as he’s an indoor cat. Luckily males are cheaper to fix than females, but Kim gave me the money for this. That’s so nice of her.

Earlier I spoke with Tammy and told her everything about the calls, tapes, court and the search warrant. I wouldn’t have said anything if I knew it could be completely wrapped up by October 4th, but it won’t be. I didn’t want to upset her but she listened patiently and tried to understand and said she’d say nothing to mom and dad. It isn’t as if Mom and Dad would disown me, but you know how they are. They’d be very upset and I don’t blame them but they can’t really handle shit like that. Tammy asked for the number of Chief B, Mark, and my lawyer, and I gave them to her. She says she’ll call on Monday.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 1991 Mom was here last Friday the 13th. If anyone has to visit on Friday the 13th, it would have to be her. A double curse for sure. It was hell at times, of course. One minute she’d be ok, the next bitchy and bossy. She tells me she understands my feelings yet I still feel as if she wants me to be what she wants. I feel as if she’s trying to control me and doesn’t want to see me take any chances or succeed in any way. I feel she could care less about me wanting a part-time lover or a kid or to be a singer.

Tammy and I had a good talk about that and she told me to keep my chin up and to do what I want to do. How can I, though? I feel I no longer have any choice but to settle for what I don’t want, be it a job or a lover.

Mom called me from Tammy’s which is where she went after she left here the next day saying she’s going to be back Wednesday and we’ll talk. When I asked her what we’d talk about she told me she’d like to see me near the family and that family’s important. Asking me to give up my dream for anyone is asking way too much and proves to me all the more that she’s out to control me. At this point, however, I know I’ll never have what I want so I’ll just start doing what everyone else wants. Now I know for sure I’ll never be a singer so why not move to Connecticut? Plus, I know even if I went to a bar 7 days a week, I’ll never have what I want, so it doesn’t matter that I’ll be 100% cut off from that either.

Later…

I screwed up my schedule again. I need to try and get back on days as ma will be here Wednesday and Kim and I are going to the Big E on Friday.

I forgot to mention after I last wrote that when ma was here she brought some food, of course. At one point she and I were opening a big huge can of chocolate pudding. Right before we opened this huge can, I put my guitar up against the stove and was dying to play. I hadn’t played in a few months, put the string on that Bob got me and cut my nails which were really long. So what did mom do after we opened the can? Walked right into it, knocked it over and broke two strings. She’s sending me all 6 strings which I’ll probably get tomorrow. There are two reasons I’m sort of glad she broke them rather than me. That’s cuz she can afford to replace them and I can’t. Also, she sure was a lot nicer after she did that. She even felt guilty enough, even without me accusing her of doing it on purpose which I did to blow off steam. That was cruel to blame her and take it out on her but I guess being the way she is made it easier to do that. Normally I wouldn’t do that to someone. As I said, ma brought some food and two tank tops and a pair of pants. She hemmed the pants and also took in that gorgeous dress I got a few months ago at the sides.

We went out and browsed around the Yankee Candle Co. and ate lunch outside at their picnic table. We also looked into some other shops which are newly built and were mostly of jewelry and knickknacks and plenty of old stuff. She bought me a bracelet and some beads and some of that colored yarn that’s more like string. Last night I made Lisa, Becky and Sarah a beaded bracelet and also began to make one of those colored cloth bracelets. The one with the backward 4’s that’s sort of is like macramé, that the bitch, Michelle that lived with me on Locust St. taught me.

Speaking of good old Jenny C, we had our day in court on Sept. 12th, and as figured, it was dismissed. Poor Jenny. She’s no doubt rip-shitting pissed. I mean, she really wanted to get me good. Andy laughed when I told him about it.

Besides making those bracelets, I made another string of all my different colored beads on a wire string. This is the 4th one and it has a pretty clear glass heart on it and I hung it in the kitchen window/door on a suction cup. I also made a placemat and intend to make 5 for Tammy, Bill and the girls but my first one’s just a wee bit too small. It would even look good hung on the wall. I made it by taking a rectangular piece of cardboard and cutting 18 little slits on the long ends. I took that stringy yarn and wrapped it round and round, hooking it into each slit, then secured it on the back with tape. Then I’d cut long pieces of regular yarn, double it and weave it over and under across the whole thing. After that was done, I cut the strings in the back half and tied them on the ends where I started weaving and finished weaving. Then I made tassels on the 4 corners.

Later…

Tammy and I, as I said before, had a long talk and she said that a lot of people made money when they first entered the music business by selling their songs. She said she heard this on MTV. I like the idea of that a lot but finding the address to send these songs to would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Andy said to try the library and look under music publishing. Good idea.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 1991 The reason why I haven’t been writing much in a while is clear. I’m paranoid. So afraid my privacy will be invaded. Got I hope I get those tapes back! It seems all my life I always end up losing the things that I love and care about so much. I feel like this is just too much of a punishment. At home, in Brattleboro, in Valleyhead and other places I’ve always had to fight to hang onto the things I need and love. I always lose. I hate it. I hate that trapped feeling. I hate it when I lose people as well as material things. Friends or people I liked as well as was attracted to that could give a rat’s ass about me and how I feel.

I spoke to my lawyer who reminds me of Tracy K. I told her I was gay and she said, “Me too,” as if she needed to tell me. Shit, you can just look and see that as you can with just about all gay women except for me.

As I began to write the last time, till court began, I ended up talking with Chief B and Carol for nearly two hours after only intending to get my papers and leave. It amazed me how much they wanted to get to know and understand more about me. They were quite sensitive and understanding, too. The first thing the Chief and Carol said is how they’re open to all kinds of relationships and accept people as they are. We discussed that and all the stuff I love to do and why I feel hopeless and trapped. I even ended up singing for them and they asked me. That was nice. The Chief, who thinks I’m attractive and let me know that when he met me, took a picture of me. They gave me one, too.

Well, anyway, last Friday or Saturday night I did something quite bad. I mean, we’re talking about the most major setback and something I haven’t done since I was 17. That’s right. I cut myself. I actually cut myself. I lay in bed that night, desperately trying to suppress the urge to reach out, but knowing I couldn’t. Knowing no one was there. Wanting, wishing to be held, loved, communicated with. Trying to accept that I’d always be alone. Never ever being able to have the one-night stand every few months I want with what’s basically the wrong kind of women which is straight women. Feminine women. Trying not to think about Andy, Nervous, Steve, Jai, Paula, Jessie and Fran. Trying to block out the bad memories of the past. Bad memories of mom and any places she threw me away to. Trying to forget about music. Damn! It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I was supposed to move and have the beautiful apartment and area be enough for me, and not need or think about music, sex or anything fun in the past or something fun in the present. Once upon a time, Andy and I going to the parking lot late at night behind the temple was no big deal. Now I miss it so much. I’d just love to be able to do that right this minute. It’s funny the things we take for granted till they’re all gone and you miss them so much!

Tomorrow, I’ll write about the talk I had with Tammy and about the aerobics place next door.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 1991 Well, here I am in court waiting for them to open up. This is the case with the advertising agency that had all those answering machines I called and played with.

I guess soon I’ll have to go to Northampton for Maliheh.

When I went down to the station to get the papers for today I ended up talking with Chief B and Carol for nearly two hours.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 1991 I finally got myself on a day schedule and I’m gonna try and keep it that way for a while. Ma’s coming up in a week or so and I’ll also be going to court soon. I also need to go sign up for fuel assistance and I need my bangs trimmed big time.

Well, summer’s on its way out and it’s pretty chilly out now. Believe it or not, I put my heat on. They say it’s gonna be 70º out today and I hope so as now’s the time to do my sun tanning. I can’t tan when it’s unbearably hot and humid like it was a few days ago for 4 days unless I can swim in a pool or lake or the beach. Plus it looks so good and I tan easier now that I’m older. When I was younger I’d turn bright red and peel instantly.

Now, I have some good news I’m psyched about. Aside from this house with the first and second floor being the business and Kim and Mark and me up top, there’s a little tiny building next door. It’s part of the habitat too but it has only two floors and is much smaller. Each floor here is about 2600 square feet. The two floors there are about 600 which is just about the size of the Woodside apartment. The bottom floor is the fitness center and no one’s hardly ever there. There was a place on top for $300 a month which this guy who lived there moved out of. So, I left a message downstairs and George called me back and I told him all about Steve. So when I spoke to Steve he was psyched and he’s got an appointment with Peter M this Thursday at 10 AM. I can’t wait for him to move here! From what I’ve heard, it’s not as big and as fancy as my place and I don’t think Steve has a washer and dryer. If not, I’ll wash dry and fold his laundry with my detergent if he’ll simply help me tie up loose ends at the end of the month. Things like cigarette money.

I have more to write about later. Fran got 3-way.

[dine-on-nervine]

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN…

you had your first crush? I believe it was the first grade. Sylvia was her name and I have no idea why.

you had your first kiss? Age 4. Jennifer was her name, though my mother might say it was in the same frame with a girl by the name of Shauna who I have pictures of but do not remember.

you had your first boyfriend or girlfriend? After a few strikeouts, there was Joyetta, who asked me. Amusing way to start; I met her at summer camp but she went to my church (somehow I hadn't seen her there but her mother ran the nursery school), and she broke up with me to go for some other guy who gave her candy. She became a stoner who was sexually active in junior high. *shrug*

you made your first best friend? I met Brian in kindergarten.

you had your first break-up with a significant other? I will cite Karen when I was 17, because she was the most meaningful person. Cassie might have been a bit before that but it wasn't as painful.

you started your period (if you’re a girl)? --

you got engaged? The less said about Trish the better, but it was at the end of my college experience so call it 24.

you got married? I'm not married now, and you have to know me better to get answers on certain things I don't put online.

you lost your virginity? 18, with Jaleh. She said it was boring, but she'd had plenty of experience to compare to.

you had your first child? I don’t have kids.

you first moved out of your house? College so 18.

you graduated high school? I was 18.

you started college? A month from 19.

you moved out of your house permanently? I still say 18, though I had a stint or two of about 3 weeks where I had to go back home because I was between apartments. Not good times.

you first cut yourself? I never did.

you first thought about suicide? Fifteen. Untenable situation at home.

you learned your first swear word? Birth. No, seriously, my parents didn't censor themselves so I knew every bad word except the one that starts with F in the crib.

you started swearing? Probably when I got into school, so 5-6. I knew they were bad words so knew not to use them around my parents even if they used them around me, but on the playground all is fair.

you had your first date? I don't know how to answer that. I never did the stereotypical "take someone out" thing in high school or college, but I did have a few get-together-with-someone-to-do-stuff instances that I could call dates in retrospect. Okay, so how about I say that since I asked Karen at camp to join me for the end-of-week dressup event when I was 16? That was a hoot and life-changing, and everyone was wondering how I managed to get a non-camper. :-D

you had your first sleepover? The aforementioned Brian would have birthday parties with sleepovers when we were in early elementary school, so call it first grade and thereby age 6-7.

you were first baptized? I have a photo of this on my bedroom wall! I look like I'm like at most six months old. I'd have to dig some paperwork up to find the exact date but I'm going to go with "a baby".

you were baptized and it meant something? This has never happened. Not for not wanting it to, I would have really liked that as a teenager, but that's now how life went and I learned to accept it.

you made your first huge regret? Age 6.

you felt mature? I made a note in my journal when I was 19-20 when Steve in college told his son to respect a grownup (speaking about ME!) because that was the first time anyone had said I was an adult. This doesn't mean I felt mature, but I did feel like I had reached a milestone when other people were seeing me as mature.

you first were in love with someone? I point to Lisa in the fifth grade, about a year before she got pregnant by some older dude, so that would be age 11. I have no idea why I was so hung up on her. She still messages me every few years for some reason.

you first experienced love at first sight? LOL, I normally say it was the third grade, Jill, but in a more meaningful way it was later than that and I can't seem to pinpoint who and when that right this moment. I will say that I have met people that I have vibed with immediately (my last two girlfriends) and getting together with them worked naturally, not so much "love at first sight" as "we met across a crowded room and knew we must be together." My parents have told two stories about how they met and it was "across a crowded room" when they were in their 20s... one story says it was at a funeral, the other story says it was at a party at my maternal grandparents' house and my mother could drink more beer than my father had ever seen a woman consume. I haven't had confirmation which is true but it can actually be both, funerals are how my parents met and that party is how they got connected. Both stories are fucking hilarious.

you first encountered God? 15. Thunderstorms and deep lyrics can do that to a person.

you started going to church? "Meaningfully" is the divider here, because I was attending as a really little kid (my mother was the organist) but it was around age 8 that I started going to Sunday school. When I was sent to the church summer camp at 10, that's when it started to mean something to me... or rather, my mother insisted that I had to go to church every week if I wanted to go to camp (which almost none of the other campers at my church did, for the record!!) so there I was until age 18 going to church so I could get clearance from my mother to go to camp, which I lived for.

you got drunk for the first time? I wasn't much of a drinker as a teenager, but let's say that I had a buzz at 17 on a couple occasions. The first hangover, wow, that was graduation practice at 18. The guidance counselor leading the practice knew 1/4 of us were fucked up and had no mercy on our hungover asses.

you first tried drugs? It's only been pot and I was 19. Like Bill Clinton, I didn't inhale, and it wasn't until the next time (I wrote down the date!) when I was with my best friend that I got stupidly high.

you started to think about your appearance? I still don't.

you first joined Facebook? Not sure. I had an account for a decade, it got closed by FB because I didn't have my real name on it (I was reported by one of Mike Huckabee's minions) and thus I lost connection to two people who had passed on, and I've had the replacement for like five years. So let's assume 2008 then.

you got a cell phone? The year was 2008. I still have it as a backup.

you got your own laptop? This was in my 30s, and I have it in storage. Someone cast off the Win98 machine they were using in my direction when they upgraded.

you got your own digital camera? I think I was 31. Agfa 780c, which was a primative sub-megapixel machine. I don't still have it because I loaned it to a friend (so he could snap nudes of his babymama) and the batteries corroded so destroyed the camera. Since the camera had its own formatting OS, no, whatever was on the card was inaccessable if the camera itself was dead.

you got your own car? Age 29.

you got your driver’s license? Age 18 by court order.

you first got pregnant? Me personally, I haven't. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of my spunk, I do have stories that again you'd have to know me to hear, but there were no survivors.

you felt alive for the first time? Late September, 2013. Got my semicolon tattoo last year to commemorate it.