#now my ex is doing drag in Berlin and I love that for him/them?

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

Forest green, radical red, and ocean blue

oh hohoho! I mean, I'm single. Depending on who you are yeah sure, I'll take you to city hall then run off to the coast and/or forest for a proper elopement.

I have, historically, been known to do some crazy things when in love

also, I love seashells so thank you! I would give you a seashell too. Or maybe a lake rock, since I don't live near the sea

[miss-kittys-magical-library]

Hi I hope I’m not too late for thirsty Thursday? I had this thought of a Robert character (of your choice) going to an adult store with the reader/ to surprise the reader

Maybe trying new things/ positions/ accessories👀

Your wish is my command 💋

LoveGame (Luba x Fem!Reader)

Word Count: 1900

Warnings: NSFW smutty as hell. Pegging, masturbation, m/f penetration

A/N: Reader is getting married. Luba wants to make sure her last night goes out with a bang 😉

You stood outside Foreign Dreams hugging your arms against the cold. You checked the digital clock chip newly implanted in your wrist. Half eleven. Luba, as always, was late.

You tapped an icon of a phone and waited. Five minutes went by and a beautiful face with lengthy platinum eyelashes answered.

“Guten nacht,” his bored voice greeted you with a hint of mischief. Just a trace of a smile on his full lips.

“Hooker where are you? I'm freezing my tits off out here.” You delighted in archaic epithets.

“Back off hündin (bitch),” a laugh now. “Nicky needed me to pick up one last table. Let me grab my cape, and I'll come warm your tits up in five.”

Rolling your eyes you sighed, “Better not let Benjamin catch you massaging them again.”

“He's a boring prick. Why do all of my exes leave me for the dullards?” You could see him moving around a back room. “These strong, silent types,” he mimicked a gash across his thick neck.

“Because you never fucking shut up. They let us talk hours at a time for once. Just get your tiny ass out here so we can get to Oswald’s store. It was rather nice of him to open on his day off.”

The side door to Foreign Dreams opened and the transmission on your wrist ended. Luba in his leather and tiger skins strode towards you with his muscular arms open. That sweet smelling cigarillo smoke hung in the air around him. Cherries tonight.

He was shirtless as always under the fur with his skin the color and texture of pearls. He hugged you in that dramatic fashion and you melted into his taut chest. Your heart skipping a beat.

“Liebchen you're freezing. Is that why you’re simply trembling?” He began rubbing your arms swiftly.

“Sure, that's why.” It wasn’t at all because he was breath-taking with a heat under his skin. If you lingered it was because you couldn't help it. Luba was hypnotic.

Shaking it off, you linked arms with him and headed towards your simultaneous wedding present and “hen party” for two. One that started off with Luba taking your hand and tipping a white powder on your skin between your thumb and index finger.

“Inhale, you'll feel better.” He held his pinky nail up to his nose and snorted. “It's a little this and that. Nicky's special mix for just tonight. Everyone misses you.”

Following suit you took a breath and the powder went straight to your brain as you seemed to float to the sex shop. Why did you trust Luba to never steer you wrong?

Inside the store, Oswald and his inappropriate Geisha makeup behind the counter. An amused smirk across his exaggerated red lips waved you both on as you followed Luba around the store.

“It's all on me poppet! We just want to make sure none of us catches Benjamin with any of the girls,” he paused and winked at Luba, “Boys or otherwise in between or nothing at all. At the parlour you know.”

Luba was standing in front of a wall of dildos. He was biting his pinky nail as he so often did when he was anxious.

“Ozzy this is too much! These choices, it's overstimulating to my brain and not my penis. Look at this,” he pried a massive cock from the wall using his hands. The suction made a satisfying snap sound that sent you both into giggles. “Who does this fit? Their pussy or asshole MUST be like a cavern. Too much. Ach.”

Luba waved the dildo around in your face and your head dodged out of the way. “STOP! I don't like you wiggling a dick in my face!”

This sent the two of you into further hysterics. Luba’s laughter between infectious and obnoxious as it bounced off the walls.

Your arms already full of lube (I know how you can be if they don't kiss you right. Sahara Desert! Look remember me, its LUBE- A) and vibrators (One for while you fuck, it's a clit stimulator. I remember how you need that. You just.. settle it right in here. The other for when he's gone away or you sex dream about me. You know Clit and G Spot?) Your eyes grow wide with each suggestion.

“Luba, I know how to masturbate. Benjamin knows how to get me off,” you started to put some stuff back in random places. Except for the wireless egg shaped clit stimulator that matched your own vaginal (OR ANAL!) rhythms. That one you pocketed happily.

Luba walked to a curtained side room and threw back the red velvet material. “That's because I told him what you like and how to do it. Ozzy Ozzy darling, what HAVE you been hiding from us?!”

You followed him inside, your mouth hanging open. Everything looked positively medieval, but you both knew it was mostly from no earlier than fifty years earlier.

“Mid- 1990s BDSM. How delightful. Berlin, London, New York. They all had a renaissance after the AIDS pandemic terrorized the world. We're like cockroaches, you can't eradicate any of us in the community.”

Luba was lost in his own diatribe. His long white fingers running over the leather binding of whips and flogs. He nicked one and slung it over his shoulder. Then clicked his tongue a few times deciding between a realistic flesh penis attached to a harness or a silver metal one.

“See this, THIS!” he held out the slender metal version towards you. “I might be a sex worker but this is what fits my holes best.”

“LUBA that's a strap-on. Are most of your clients even into that?” You took it from him and held it up. Fascinated despite your protest.

“Liebchen, don't be so judgmental of others appetites. You were hungry for all of this once,” he ran his hand dramatically over the length of his torso.

You still were. The way you were staring at his svelte body and pert nipples as you bit your lip slightly, he knew it too. His eye brow was arched in satisfaction as he took your hand and dragged you towards the back of the room.

“Why don't we test some things out?” Luba tossed the question over his shoulder while closing the curtains to block Oswald from catching a glimpse.

“I'll try it on, but I'm not pegging you.”

“Sure you won't. I am curious what’s in these drawers though.” He had made his way over to a cabinet with wooden drawers and began pulling them out one by one. “JACKPOT!”

You joined Luba, strap-on still in hand. The drawer was lined with crushed velvet that matched the curtains. It was lined with rings and clamps. There were other devices, but you didn't have the guts to ask.

“Vier.. Fünf.. Six.. Ja this would fit,” Luba held up a deep jade cock ring. “Look it even matches my eyes!” He giggled and held it up to his face. “Take my jacket. I'm going to try this on.”

He tossed his coat but you dodged. Luba paid no mind as he unbuttoned and zipped his leather pants. He let out a satisfactory sigh as his cock was let free. You covered your face and chortled unable to understand that this was your life right now.

“Come here, liebe. I want you to put it on me.” Luba’s eyes sparkled.

“What does it even do?” You took the ring from him and held it in your palm.

“It keeps the cock erect so you last longer. I'm getting hard just thinking about it,” he gestured towards his junk.

Shrugging your shoulders you used your fingertips to slip the cock ring on much like Benjamin had your engagement ring. Almost tenderly and with great care. Luba twitched just ever so slightly as your hand and the smooth jade traveled the shaft so that it fit snug at the base above his balls. You let your fingers glide back upwards towards the head and made a circular motion with your thumb over it. Repeating yourself a few times

“Fuck. You always were good at that.”

Luba gazed up at the ceiling in ecstasy. His eyes closed and throat exposed as he moaned under the pressure of your touch. You pressed your mouth into the warm, ivory skin and lingered a moment over his Adam’s apple. Your fingers pumping harder over the shaft and head, twisting and stroking. Your tongue leaving a wet trail down to his clavicle. Your other hand was free to grab his ass and squeeze.

“If you're going to play with my ass, make it worthwhile, darling.” Luba demanded.

You stumbled a bit away from your ex standing naked without a care. His cock completely erect and being held steady by a jade ring. You did that, you thought. He loves sex, but you still can get him hard.

“Only this once, right?” you informed him as you stepped out of your skirt.

It took a few minutes of struggling, of swatting Luba off when he offered assistance, but you finally had the harness over your legs. In place as the metallic and futuristic dick hung between your legs. It was a strange sensation, one you weren't quite sure why you never tried before.

“Did you keep any of that lube?” he asked as he sat down on an old fashioned settee against the back wall.

“Of course.” You pulled it out of your discarded jacket on the floor and held it up.

“Güten. I'm sure you can figure out what to do with it.” Luba flitted his hand towards the device you were wearing as he kneeled on all fours. His forearms purchased on the arm of the couch so that his ass was higher than his head.

You climbed up behind him and put one hand on his thin hip. The other on the slick silver cock that you positioned outside of Luba. You bent to kiss his shoulders and once again allowed your lips and tongue to trace over his spine as you tentatively pushed the cock inside of him.

“Is that ok?” you asked.

“Deeper. Keep going. I want your hips to touch my ass.”

So they did. You lost yourself and let the sensation take over as you pumped completely inside him. God it felt good. Weird and new but good as you slid out almost entirely. Repeating. Your nails scratching at his perfect skin.

“Your ass is tight. This is fucking amazing.”

There was no more control as you started pulling him towards you at the same time as your thrusts in.

“Jerk me off,” he begged. His breathing was labored with pleasure.

“At the same time?” You were confused but silently agreed.

Your hand taking his cock again, it found a rhythm with your rutting. Your future husband would never, you thought as you almost yanked roughly on Luba’s erection. Your hips bucking wildly into him as he struggled to stay upright.

Plunging fully inside of him only two more times, Luba exploded in your hand. You pulled the strap on out of him and gasped as you were covered with that warm, sticky substance. He laughed in return, still moaning and jerking barely as he came again. Yet his dick was immediately hard because of the cock ring

“Tell me liebchen, why are you marrying him again?”

There wasn't time to answer because Luba had flipped underneath you, parting your legs and maneuvered the metal cock out of the way. He buried his own inside of your cunt taking you by surprise for the umpteenth time this evening.

Luba lifted his hips off the couch and pulled you forward so that he could penetrate you as far as he could manage. All you could do was cry out in pleasure. It was the only way you thought to answer him.

Tag list: @elliethesuperfruitlover @super-unpredictable98 @sean-falco @magic-multicolored-miracle @robertsheehanownsmyass @slutforrobbiebro @nightmonsters @badsext @bisexualnathanyoung @firstpersonnarrator

[letsallsleepoverwork]

Mei’s Tony Stark (WinterIron) fic recs

I needed a whole other list of my favorite pairing, Bucky Barnes and Tony Stark... oops?

For @podonthesuit to celebrate Anthony Edwards Stark’s birthday month (and mine!) The fics are from shortest to longest.

Under 10K

flirting (with danger) by Potrix

Rating: Mature

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark

Canon Divergence - MCU Post-CAWS

Tony stares at the man shackled to the wall for a long, unblinking moment. “You’re supposed to be dead.”

The man raises an unimpressed eyebrow back at him. “Right back at ya, pal.”

Mei’s Notes: a brilliant short and sweet (and SASSY) winteriron fic that warms my heart. I read this when i need a quick pick me up <3 

When is a bed not a bed? (When you’re not in it) by RiotFalling

Rating: Teen

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark

Ambiguous Marvel Canon

There’s a tiny safe house, with one tiny window and one tiny couch. And one tiny little bed.

Mei’s Notes: THIS is hilarious. riot write a beautiful scene of two absolute dorks trying to out-matyr each other. such lovely softness and, like anyone who knows me knows, i love the soft. i laughed so hard reading this fic that i instantly fell in love.

Open Hearts, Open Doors by mistrstank (dreamingdarkly), TheKitteh

Rating: Teen

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark

Non-powered AU

In which Tony and Bucky have a very special day, DUM-E is a regular disaster and Tony's friends are a bunch of trolls.

Mei’s Notes: So this is the third story in this series, HUGE REC FOR THE FIRST TWO, but this one is my favorite of the series. There is an immense amount of softness. A marriage between two beautiful souls and honestly I cried with happiness. I was full of emotions, there is nothing more beautiful than the love these two share. To call this fluff is an massive understatement because words cannot properly capture how gorgeous this fic is. 

The Prince's Bride by MarvelousMenagerie (HiddenOne)

Rating: Teen

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark

Princess Bride AU

After Tony loses the love of his life to pirates on the high sea, not much matters to him. He agrees to wed Prince Justin Hammer to gain access to vibranium and shut himself away in his workshop until the end of time, but a group of ruffians kidnap Tony to take him to Hydra. Tony's rescue takes on an unlikely form - the Dread Pirate Rogers, who killed the love of his life five years ago.

Mei’s Notes: Princess Bride is just one of those movies that stays with you for your life. There’s so much to unpack and the comic genius of balance between crack and plot makes it a heart warming and heart moving movie for the ages (i also loved the book but THE MOVIE IS MY CHILDHOOD LOVE). This is a wonderful rendition of Princess Bride and the end *chef’s kiss* gold.

11K to 15K

Speed Dating (Isn't Supposed to Happen in Cars) by orbingarrow

Rating: General

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark

Non-powered AU

Tony's temporarily broke due to a scandal at Stark Industries, and with no one willing to hire him, he's got to get creative in how to get by. When he reads about a solar-powered car race that pays out in the millions, he knows he can win it. He just needs a car, all the parts, a racing team, a sponsor, a driver, and like a gajillion other things he does not have.

What he does have is: one whole month, an Air Force pilot, an heiress, two enthusiastic teenagers, a discredited science teacher, three ex-cons, a high-tech robot disguised as a Roomba, and a wicked crush on the guy from YouTube.

Seriously, how can he lose?

Mei’s Note: Arrow is a QUEEN at winteriron fic. She has a brilliant way of balancing snark, story, and softness. EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER has their own tone/voice in the story that I hear in my head and it just makes reading her work INCREDIBLY satisfying. She has so many great works, but with the complexity of balancing all these different characters and weave a story around them, this one is my favorite. Or maybe this one was just the one that just happen to snag my heart... :) 

Coffee, Curses, Kisses by wakandan_wardog

Rating: General

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark

Ambiguous Marvel Canon

Tony Stark drags himself out of his workshop on a regular Thursday morning. Well, mostly a regular morning. Except for Clint Barton lying on the breakfast bar in themed underwear. The theme is new, the rest is depressingly familiar. Ok, so maybe the rose petals are new too. (What the hell, Clint?) It's enough to make a billionaire grateful for the Avengers Alarm. Wait a minute, magic too? Fuck, this is just not Tony's day. (Until it really, really is.)

Mei’s Notes: Oh man do i love Toni. My whole heart belongs to her and her writing is some of the beST. I cannot recommend her writing enough, please please PLEASE do yourself a favor and read one (all) of her stories. This one is a masterful demonstration of wit and flirting which if you know Toni, you know she’s a master of both. My heart is warm with love for this one.

The Stars Go Red by orbingarrow

Rating: General

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark

Ambiguous Marvel Canon

Iron Man is not exactly a super-villain, he's just doing his best to save the world, and his methods are questionable, okay? Doing what's right isn't always easy. Tony's come to grips with that.

Mei’s Notes: Im kinda a liar cause honestly I couldn’t really choose and I did a coin flip but since I’m doing a whole different fic rec for winteriron here’s the other Arrow fic. Anyways, this fic has identity porn, it has purposeful deflection of villian!Tony who really isn’t a villian. Both Tony and Bucky are badass. Truthfully this fic is a mix of all my favorite troupes and you will have a blast reading it i promise!

30K to 41K

Compliments by Desolate_Smog

Rating: Teen

Pairing: Bucky Barnes & Tony Stark

Non-powered AU

Tony Stark didn't realize that going out to get coffee while sleep deprived and covered in grease could lead to friendships. He's quite impressed with himself.

Mei’s Notes: Oh man this one was a game changer for me. I think this was one of the first asexual fics I read and the way it’s done is lovely. I like how everything is laid out and just, a part of life. the whole story felt 100% real and the relationships the develop between all the characters feels organic. Still one of my all time favorite fic.

and amidst the ruins, there was you by TheKitteh

Rating: Teen

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark

Canon Divergence - MCU Post CACW & Dystopia AU

With everything resolved - post the Berlin conflict, Siberia and the rogue Avengers' return - Tony relishes in the clarity of what the team is now. He can finally see the well-defined lines, he can rely on solid rules and the chain of command. He's settled into his life like never before. That is, until one day, an unhinged sorcerer with no grasp on his magic shatters that new-found balance.As a result, half of Tony's soul is now gone, but he's willing to do anything to get it back.

Mei’s Notes: I died. repeatably. Kitteh is a goddness of soft winteriron. If you look at the comments you can see me SCREAM about the soft. Of course, there’s some really sad subject matter, Tony and Bucky get sent (while theyre warry of each other) to a world that the Avengers lost Battle of New York, and their deaths are... haunting. It really allows Kit to dive into the closeness, the need to someone else to hold. I would say this is a staple fic to read as a winteriron shipper. Of course tho please be weary of tags and your own needs/wants.

(Walk Walk) Fashion Baby by wakandan_wardog

Rating: Teen

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark

Non-powered AU

This is basically a Winter/Iron AU inspired by a buzzfeed article that went viral not long ago. The artical discussed this instagram in which a model is sort of being trolled by his sister and her toddler son recreating his photos.

Mei’s Notes: OH MAN. This one has adorable baby peter being an adorably perfect little bundle of sunshine. The ultimate melt your eyeballs and heart fic. It is a WIP but OH SO WORTH IT. I don’t really read WIPs can I like closure but this one has the cutest imagery of grown adults melting over a small child. Also Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent!!!!

71,620 Words

create / detonate by pprfaith, reena_jenkins  

Rating: Mature

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark

Canon Divergence MCU, Toni Stark AU

In a world where Natasha Stark still dreams of fire and blood, the Winter Soldier wakes ahead of schedule and nothing happens the way it was meant to. (People don’t have a purpose.)

Mei’s Notes: I love fem!Toni so much. I love diving into the difference with Toni’s life if she was born and raised with the expectations of “female”. It’s ironic because the softness I love so much about MCU Tony Stark, i love the a lot of opposites of Toni Stark in this fic. She’s more brash, more ruthless. She is still fiercely protective and kind but there’s an edge that I never felt from MCU Tony Stark. Both are good. I love both. As usual, please read the tags. There’s some rough stuff with this one. 

[merrysithmas]

i would give my left foot to just hear SOME of the hcs you have about the member's of boris' gang's relations/interactions to & with theo PLEASE

-Myriam and Theo became BFFS bc of Art and Class and Taste, this makes Boris so mad bc all they do is text and WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT but also happy at the same time

-Myriam is part Mongolian by way of Russia, part Polish. She's bi. Boris helped her drag away the body of a man that she blunt punched with brass knuckles in an alleyway for harrassing her and another woman at a club in Warsaw. Boris saw it happen and ran over to help but was startled to a stop when she defended herself so viciously. The man died. Myriam was an up and coming wedding planner in Berlin before that -- now she works for Boris, stony mien and organizational skills on steroids handling mass illegal imports/exports and fielding his contacts under the guise of wedding organization.

-Dima is always having some kind of emotional issue with his girlfriend Milena who isn't super domineering or anything, but Dima is just like this sensitive puppydog of a man (he does yoga and likes working the ceramics) (he's also an expert in martial arts and can snap a man's spine -ex Ukrainian military - in one move) so he's always coming to Theo's apartment in NY or to the house in Antwerp unannounced while Theo is still in his pajamas, and he's crying and asking for advice about Milena who says he's "never there for her" and THEO totally out of his ballpark with women is like holyshit i dont KNOW dude, but is so used to it at this point he just wordlessly pulls out the kitchen chair and starts to put on the coffee, listening to Dima's 2.5 hour story about their latest argument like the group therapist and occasionally offers him tissues

-Shirley T (hacker wunderkind) still lives with his (single) mom who gets VERY UPSET if he is out all night long and Boris often has to go over to the house and charm his mother into not having a meltdown (which always works because he always brings money like a latter day Slavic Robin Hood) and is then is also always invited to say for dinner. Shirley T's mom actually likes Theo even better than Boris and asks Boris about Theo every dinner. But she exclusively speaks Polish and whenever she sees Theo he is totally lost but nods along politely anyways, she loves his shiny American clothes and is shocked at how tall he is, insists on asking him things and Theo has no idea what to say except a few broken Polish words which delights her. And somehow Theo always ends up being dragged to Orthodox Polish Church mass with her and Shirley T (which he doesn't totally mind if its very few and far between as he gets to observe the art and architecture). And he and Shirley exchange bored glances at key moments of irony.

-Cherry, a Bulgarian, is like the Wolverine of the group. Stoic, smart, gets shit done. Boris cheerily teaches him Americanisms and English turns of phrase. He not-so-secretly loves trash American television reality shows and like the Bachelor and takes them DEAD seriously and often references them in every day life in the vein of wise proverbs. He frequently asks Theo for his input on these cultural milestones and Theo is like at a loss because to him its so low-brow but honestly Cherry's seriousness and blunt culturally-removed nonjudgement helps Theo lighten up and he's collapsed exhaustedly beside Cherry on the couch at the gang's HQ to watch Ice Road Truckers and Say Yes To The Dress several times. Cherry is also best friends with Anatoly since they were kids. Cherry is their information guy. He rarely talks so people say anything to him.

-Anatoly is the slinkiest and seemingly outwardly most untrustworthy of them all. He and Cherry got in big trouble as kids when they stole what they thought was some weed they could resell from a local dealer (who happened to be an associate of Bobo Silver). What they stole was actually a kilo of coke. Boris, hearing the two of them were fellow Slavic kids, took it upon himself to find them, reason with them, wrangle the coke back, offer them protection if they worked for him and learned the business, and returned the coke to Bobo's guys, putting his own neck on the line in a bid to get them off the hook so he could start his own side hustle. They were the first members of his gang. Anatoly is Lithuanian and spoke little English at first, he quickly took to Boris for essentially saving their lives (and eventually making them fucking rich) and considers himself to have a life-debt to Boris. Boris can always trust Anatoly to run an errand without question or use harsh immoral tactics. He's a bit of a livewire. Anatoly feels a kinship with Boris because he once had a favorite cousin when he was a kid who was brutally injured (and died from those injuries) because he was gay, a hatecrime -- an event which sickened Anatoly but he could do little about as a child and feels immense guilt over. Seeing Boris dominate the eastern crime scene makes him feel proud and cools some of that aching spite. Anatoly is Anarchist ally of the year and throws tear gas cannisters at Anti-Gay protestors while wearing a balaklava on on the weekends. He keeps telling Theo to marry Boris.

-GYURI! loveable cook, Boris' stalwart driver, tea-maker, ex-con, likes to knit (good for his neuropathy from a prison nerve injury), sometimes mans the bar at the HQ, always there to pick up dry cleaning if Theo is running late ("it is no problem i said"), drives Theo around at night if he's having panic episodes or can't sleep or is depressed, and talks to him quietly from the front seat -- just enough. A big loveable uncle. Always brings nicely cooked dinners at Christmas -- gets along well with Hobie the one time Hobie comes to visit Belgium and exchanges recipes for poached pears. Could break a man in half with one hand. Babysits everyone else's kids.

-Nina (aka pseudonym Katya) a childhood friend of Boris', his only childhood friend from "home". She was a Russian living in the Ukraine under a somewhat official capacity, who at a young age was accused of a crime she committed (but only bc she had to at the threat of her own life) and was given a harsh sentence -- essentially made an example of and torn from Boris as a child. She is about ten years older than Boris and had a sisterly dynamic with him. Years later, released from custody on condition, she hears of his crime syndicate and tries to find him, she feels guilty for associating her tarnished name with him -- but Boris will have none of it, happy to see her, a tearful reunion. He sees to it that she obtains a new name, new birth certificate, and can be free of her past. He considers Katya his family, the only person who understands the harshness of that time in his home country. She loves Theo and dotes on Boris like a little brother. Katya is the first person Boris ever comes out to in an accouncement type-way (not like with his gang - all of their open secrets, unjudged, a party of misfits). She accepts and loves him like he accepted and loved her - and gave her a home when the world abandoned her. She works as a barmaid at the HQ.

just some!

[thehollowprince]

Penny Dreadful: City of Angels

Episode 1: Santa Muerte - Recap and Review

SPOILER WARNINGS ARE IN EFFECT BELOW THE CUT

The episode opens with a Mexican standoff (ba dum tsh) between Santa Muerte (Lorenza Izzo) and her “sister” Magda (Natalie Dormer), who seriously has to be roasting under the Southern California sun in that black leather outfit.  (Sidenote, how does a Mexican folk spirit/deity have a British woman as a sister?  Guess she was adopted.)  Anyway, Magda is monologuing, as villains tend to do, saying “All mankind needs to become the monster he truly is, is being told he can.”  They go back and forth for a minute, and I was eerily reminded of the movie Constantine that came out many moons ago.  Y’know the one, right?  Loosely (and I mean loosely) based on the comic character?  Played by Keanu Reeves?  That was the vibe I go here, with Santa Muerte and Magda making some kind of bet about the “worthiness” of mankind.  (I also got strong jealous ex vibes from Magda in this scene, but we’ll see how that goes).

So we start the action by showing a field of Mexican-American laborers working the fields with a little boy sitting on the truck, picking the music they listen to.  His father jokes about his choice of music before getting back to work.  Now I’ll be the first to admit that everything that played out next was just this side of tone deaf.  I understand that Magda is the villain here, and wants to see humanity burn, but having a white woman set fire to a field full of brown people, resulting in several deaths kind of defeats the message they’re trying to send with this show, but I will suspend my disbelief for a little while to see how all of this plays out.

All in all, it was a beautiful shot, as gruesome as it was, with the flames, and then seeing Santa Muerte cradling the boy’s father as he died in the flames all while La Llorona played in the background.  The boy tries to save his father, but Santa Muerte uses the Force to push him away, despite not even two minutes earlier claiming she “had no heart for the living”.  Must be something special about this boy.

Cut to 1938 and the boy is all grown up.  Tiago Vega (Daniel Zovatto) just passed his exam to become a detective, the first Chicano detective in Los Angeles.  His Mamá (Adrianna Barraza) prepared him a cake to celebrate the occasion, and we get to meet the rest of La Familia Vega.  First there’s Mateo (Johnathan Nieves), who is seriously adorable.  Next is Josefina (Jessica Garza), who is the baby of the family.  And then finally we get the big brother, Raul (Adam Rodriguez), who “mysteriously” isn’t a part of the main cast.

Anyway, Raul is not happy about his baby brother being a detective, given the Mexican and Mexican-American relations with law enforcement, which... valid.  He has a point.  But Mamá quickly shuts Raul down when he tries to be a Negative Nancy and they celebrate as a family.  Cut to later, and Mamá is walking Tiago to the bus, and they remark about the construction equipment at the end of the street.  Here we’re introduced to the main conflict of the story.  Their neighborhood is set to be demolished to make way for construction for the Arroyo Seco Parkway, the first of the LA freeways.  Mamá remarks about the machines, likening them to animals baring their teeth at her, before Tiago gets on the bus to go to his apartment, because he’s the only member of the family to move away from home.

By the way, I will never complain about the size of my apartment again after seeing how tiny Tiago’s is.

Cut to the next morning, where the phone rings, waking Tiago up, and it’s his new partner on the phone.  Congratulations!  You get to start two days early with no prep time.  Said partner, Detective Lewis Michener, is played by Nathan Lane like you’ve never seen him before.  And as an aside, just hearing him drop the F-bomb made my day.  The reason they’re starting early is because their was a homicide, and the captain himself called them specifically.  The murder is a family of four, dropped in the Los Angeles river bed, their faces painted in Dia De Muertos makeup.  Also, there’s a message scrawled nearby in blood (or red paint)

TE LLEVAS NEUSTRO CORAZON TOMAMOS EL TUYO 

“You take our heart, we take yours.”  If you haven’t guessed it by now, the hearts of the four victims had been removed.  This all ties back to the Arroyo Seco Parkway and how it’s planned to cut through the heart of the Chicano community.  Michener makes the connection as to why they were called, “It’s a spick thing.”  (Fair warning, that kind of language, while not super common in this show, isn’t exactly uncommon.)

Elsewhere, Mamá is getting off the bus in a fancy part of town, because she’s a maid to Peter Craft (alum Rory Kinnear), who is a German immigrant with two sons and a wife that looks a little strung out.  This scene is pretty filler, but it establishes the dynamic of Craft’s household, with him talking to Mamá before his own wife.  He leaves for work, listening to tape recordings in his car as a way to practice on getting rid of his accent to blend in and “be more American”  It was kind of adorable.

Back at the police precinct, Tiago got blood on his cuff from the crime scene and MIchener tells him to just throw the shirt out.  Que the racist cops who harass Tiago, because the audience needs to understand just how unwelcome a Chicano detective is among his all white peers.  The two visit their captain and discover that their four victims are a wealthy family from Beverly Hills, which judging by everyone’s reactions in the scene is a pretty big deal for some reason.  There was a horrible moment where the captain says “You have no idea how much I wished those bodies were Mexican” before he realizes who is in the room and adds a halfhearted “No Offense.”  I have to say, Tiago has way more patience than I do for shrugging it off.  The captain decides that it’s obviously Mexicans behind the murders and Michener suggests pachucos. 

Now we’re back with Craft, who is a pediatrician, and his current patient is the son of... Natalie Dormer... but now she’s blonde?  Elsa is concerned about her son Frank’s breathing problems and talks with the doctor privately about it, revealing that she’s also a German immigrant, originally from Berlin, “but now we’re in Boyle Heights, with the Jews” (seriously not a fan of how she said that, which I’m guessing is the point, but only time will tell).  There’s a moment between the two, with him offering her his handkerchief when she starts crying.  

After she leaves, we get one of the most disturbing scenes I’ve ever seen.  It takes a lot to unnerve me, but this scene unnerved me.  If you’re going into this show blind, let this be the moment when you find out that all the characters played by Natalie Dormer are all Magda, who shapeshifts into other people to further influence the negative emotions of those around her, bringing out the worst in humanity.  Well, “Elsa” enters the elevator with her “son” and unbuttons her blouse before placing his head against her stomach.  She absorbs him back into herself like some sort of weird reverse-birth, taking him “back to the womb” as it were.  It wasn’t overly graphic, but it unnerved me nonetheless. 

Back at the doctor’s office, one of his nurses asks what he wants for lunch and he says he’ll be going out.  He walks over to his closet and opens it, revealing a Nazi flag and uniform.  Abort!  

Abort!

At the city hall there is a meeting of the City Council, or some division of it involving transportation.  Its a meeting to discuss the Arroyo Seco Parkway, with almost everyone in attendance being Mexican, led, of course, by Tiago’s older brother Raul.  Gotta have that brother-against-brother angle.  The guy leading the meeting is some douchebag named Townsend (Michael Gladis).There’s a standoff between him and Raul over this parkway, with Townsend telling them to “go back where they came from”, which Raul responds rather cheekily to the fact that he was born in the Los Angeles County Hospital, same as him.

Raul: “When progress becomes barbarity, it ceases to be in the public interest.  We are the public, sir, no matter the color of our skin, and we will not be moved.”

Townsend: “Then you will be pushed.”

Naturally from there it ends in police brutality, with the cops on scene beating Raul with their clubs as they drag him from the city hall, despite it being open to the public.  And people wonder why no one likes the police? Although, I do love the fact that they made Raul so well-spoken.  Given how they’re presented as poorer, it would have been so easy to fall back on that illiterate Mexican trope, but they shied away from that, and I’m grateful.

After the meeting, Townsend is walking down the hall with Natalie Dormer by his side, this time as a gray-haired, middle-aged woman?  Man?  It’s unclear at first, until we get a wide shot and we see that she’s wearing a skirt with her masculine suit and tie combo, so definitely a woman.  Personally, I would have been okay if this persona - Alex - had been a man, but that’s just me.  Anyway, Alex is just feeding this blowhard’s ego, and he equates himself to Mussolini, and then Hitler (ABORT!).  The topic turns to more motorways, stuff to keep Townsend in the papers for some unknown purpose.

And we’re back to the Michener and Vega hour, where the two detectives are enjoying their lunch break when we hear drums and look up to see Nazis - I’m sorry, the German-American Bund - walking down the street in full regalia with Craft at their head.  Craft gives a big speech about staying out of foreign affairs (it’s 1938 and WWII is just about to start), saying “America First”.  Michener is giving them the stink eye and it’s at this point I remembered that he’s Jewish, so odds are he knows full well what the ideology behind the Nazi Party, even if their worst crimes are still ahead of them.

Michener insists they go, with the two heading over to Beverly Hills to investigate the home of the murder victims.  Inside there’s a portrait of who I thought was Joseph Smith above the fireplace, which I guess means these people were Mormons.  The radio, when turned on, is playing some Radio Evangelist (this is before Televangelism became a thing), and I think the woman preaching is the last member of our cast, Sister Molly (Kerry Bishé).  The two investigate the house and determine that the family wasn’t murdered there, though they do discover that the father was one of the guys behind the Arroyo Seco Parkway.

The plot thickens.

Cut to a shadowy meeting at the bluffs between Townsend and Baron von Strucker from the MCU.  Ugh, more Nazis.  The new Nazi talks to Townsend about getting him the position of Mayor of Los Angeles, to further their own agenda, and warns him that his driver is a Gestapo agent and has been told to shoot Townsend if the meeting does not go their way.

Later that night, we’re in downtown L.A., presumably in a Mexican-American neighborhood where Mateo works.  There’s some hanky panky going on in the store where he’s stocking shelves where some random dude and his sister, Josefina, are getting to second base.  Mateo puts the kibosh on that quickly, chasing the boy from the store while shouting obscenities, before arguing with this sister, until Mamá shows up and sets them both straight.  There’s a poignant moment between mother and son where he remarks about how as a Chicano, his options for the future are limited, that Tiago was the exception, not the rule.

Speaking of Tiago, he shows up to ask about Santa Muerte and if his mother had heard anything about something going on, as he recognized the face paint on the murder victims.  It’s revealed that he doesn’t believe in Santa Muerte, though his mother does and remarks about him being “marked”, revealing that he was the little boy from the beginning.  We all know that something bigger is going on, but Tiago is unconvinced, and this is the one time we see him and Mamá butt heads.  There’s a moment where the two calm down before we get a really cute scene of Tiago dancing with his mother.

That moment slides into a moment between Los Hermanos Vega, which starts nicely but ends up tense and serious, as they talk about the construction of the parkway to begin on Monday, which requires Tiago to be with the police but his brothers will be with the neighborhood.  I think they’re taking this brother-against-brother thing a little far.

Mamá is praying to Santa Muerte, begging for help, and Santa Muerte actually shows up, calling Mamá “Old Coyote” (I think).  The two argue, with the former mentioning a prophecy and the Vega matriarch begging for any kind of help because she wants to protect her children.  After Santa Muerte leaves, Mamá goes to Tiago’s apartment and implores him to try and stop the protest the next day, before chugging his whiskey.

As the episode started, that’s how we end it, with a Mexican standoff, this time between the police and the residents of Belvidere Heights.  Tiago hands his gun to Michener and tries to talk down his neighborhood, to avoid bloodshed, facing off directly with his brothers who are at the front of the opposing crowd, but unbeknownst to all of them, Magda is there (in her “true” form) pacing in front of the police.  She finds one officer and we see her whispering in his ear, which leads to him firing his gun, killing one of the protesters.  Gunfire erupts and chaos ensues, leading to a full blown riot.  Magda ends up whispering to Raul next and he takes a gun and starts shooting police officers, eventually aiming his gun at Michener.  In a heartbreaking moment, Tiago shoots his own brother to stop him from killing his partner, all while La Llorona is once again playing in the background.

All in all, I’d give the episode an 8/10.  It was a great start, introducing most of the key players involved and getting the conflict started right away, but there are still a lot of questions.  Also, there were too many Nazis in this for my liking.  I understand the point they’re trying to make, being a parallel to today, with Nazis being everywhere and no one batting an eye about it, but it’s still unsettling.

Can’t wait to see how this all turns out.

[vexedtonightmares]

- mystery of love: chapter one -

skam nl season three week one: you’re new right?

*a few brief notes before we continue: new chapters will be posted every friday. original characters are faceclaims, i wanted the work to be as visually cinematic as possible which is also why i’ve also incorporated songs into the ‘clips’ as a reference to where they would be played in the show. tws will be given when necessary at the beginning of chapters. this will not follow the exact season 3 storyline laid out in og like any other remake, i hope you like the changes. there’s a good possibility no one will read this, but if you do you’re awesome and thank you for feeding my wish fulfillment.*

ao3 link here 

ZATERDAG 23:56 - Do you want to get out of here?

- now playing: super rich kids by frank ocean - 

The party was raging all around, but Lucas couldn’t really be bothered to be a part of it. All he had to do was get these beers back to his friends, then they could lock themselves in the bathroom and get high and forget any and all troubles lingering in the corners of his mind.

He cast his eyes around the room, not looking for anyone in particular, but catching sight of people he knew regardless. Isa was dancing in the middle of the room with Janna, and he couldn’t help but smile at their ridiculous dance moves. Things hadn’t quite been the same between them since everything that happened with Kes, but it was a new school year, maybe they could work things out for real. 

Liv was talking to Engel near the corner of the room, and Lucas briefly wondered where Noah was. Last he’d heard Noah decided not to move to Berlin and was attending a university nearby, which pleased both him and Liv. Lucas didn’t know Noah or Liv very well, but he’d always liked Liv, and if she was happy with Noah and he was happy with her, he supposed that was all anyone could hope for. 

There was a girl standing right by Engel and Liv trying to catch his eye and Lucas ducked away before they could make eye contact, praying she wouldn’t try to follow him. He just didn’t have the energy for that at the moment, didn’t have the energy to pretend. 

Finally, he made it to the bathroom, slipping inside stealthily and shutting the door with extreme caution, so as to not alert the girl from the other room if she had followed. Kes grinned up at him in a way that, a few months ago would have had his heart beating rapidly, and Lucas handed him a beer. If his heart still beat a bit rapidly when their hands brushed, he ignored it. 

Jayden was there in the bathroom as well, along with another boy Lucas didn’t know very well but Jayden had been hanging out with since the start of the year. Sander, was his name. He seemed nice enough, and he brought weed, so he was good in Lucas’ book. 

“Dude what took so long,” Kes asked after Lucas distributed the beers and joined the three of them in the bathtub. He shrugged, shaking his hair from his eyes. It was getting quite long now, longer than he’d had it since he was a kid, but he found he didn’t mind it. Kes, thankfully was growing used to short and nonverbal responses as of late, so he just scooted over to allow Lucas more room and passed him the joint they’d been sharing. 

Lucas took a long drag, staring up at the ceiling as he exhaled, smoke drifting up higher and higher until it spread out and disappeared completely. There was a metaphor in there somewhere, he was sure of it, but then again he’d never been the best at identifying metaphors. That was why his focus was in science, not literature. He liked the idea of literature, but there was so much analysis it zapped the enjoyment out of it.

“Easy there, I barely know you, who says you get to hog all the weed?” Sander snapped, reaching over to pluck the joint from between his fingers. Lucas blushed a bright shade of red and dipped his head down, shaking his curls back in front of his face. 

“Sorry,” he said. He wasn’t sorry, because there wasn’t really anything real to be sorry for, but apologizing just made him feel better about most things. 

Sander raised his eyebrows and grinned. “So you do speak?”

Lucas looked up at him with narrowed eyes. “What?”

“Those are the first words I’ve heard you say all night. One might think you’re not having any fun.” Sander smiled at him with a grin to wide for his face so it was hard to tell if he was teasing in a good natured way or not. 

He was right, though. Lucas really wasn’t having any fun, but he knew better than to say so. He simply shrugged again and quipped, “Maybe I haven’t had anything to say because you haven’t said anything worth responding to.”

Kes choked on his beer, covering his mouth to hide a laugh, and Lucas relaxed. Sander’s grin grew even wider. “Remind me why we haven’t hung out much until now?”

The teasing had been good natured, then. Noted. “I had no idea who you were until a month ago,” Lucas said, and Sander nodded. 

“Right back at you.” He passed the joint back, ignoring Kes and Jayden’s indignant scoffs as he reached over them. “Well here’s to friendships formed in ex-girlfriend’s bathtubs.”

Lucas tried not to shift uncomfortably when reminded that they were in Isa’s house, and Kes didn’t react at all, so maybe they were in the clear. It was a good sign that they were even there, at Isa’s house, and that Kes and Isa weren’t trying to make each other jealous all night. Lucas doubted Isa would have stooped to that level, but he knew Kes had been searching for something to fill the Isa shaped void in his heart for a while there. Maybe he’d realized he didn’t need to focus so hard on filling it. 

The door opened with a bang and all four boys looked up at once, Lucas passing the joint over to Kes hurriedly. Kes looked at him amusedly and he rolled his eyes, looking back at the intruder. Shit, it was the girl from upstairs. Maybe she wouldn’t recognize him? But no, of course he couldn’t be so lucky, he saw the light in her eyes when they met his. 

“Sorry, I didn’t know this bathroom was occupied,” the girl said with a blush, tucking her hair behind her ear. She was pretty, really pretty, and Lucas wished more than anything that he was interested in her the same way she clearly was into him, if her red faced glances his way were any indication. 

“No problem,” Sander said with another grin. Lucas wondered if it was a front or if he really was carefree enough he smiled that easily. He held out the joint to her. “Do you want a hit?” 

She ducked her head. “I’ve never— I’m not sure I’d do it right.”

“Lucas can show you,” Jayden chimed in, and Lucas had to resist the urge to glare at him. From Jayden’s perspective, he should be celebrating having this girl’s attention. 

“I hope you’re Lucas,” she said, looking him in the eye. Beside him, Kes let out a low whistle, jostling Lucas to get out of the bathtub. He did so, and in doing so, he forced himself to become the other version of himself, the one that loved this attention and was grateful to have a beautiful girl looking at him like that. 

He smiled at her, hoping it didn’t look forced. “I hope you’re not disappointed,” he countered, hating himself for it. 

She dropped her eyes but grinned nonetheless. “You look like Troye Sivan,” she said. 

Normally, he would have taken that as a compliment, but he really couldn’t do so here without admitting he knew who Troye Sivan was, so instead he stayed silent and held out his hand for the joint and raised it to his lips once Kes passed it to him, taking a slow drag and maybe showing off a little bit. If he was going to perform, may as well go all in. 

“I’ll tell you what,” he said, “If I teach you, you tell me your name so I can know you a little better.”

“I’d give you that without the lesson.” Her voice was breathy and light, and he felt sick. 

“Well I need some incentive, don’t I?” he teased. Maybe she would get bored of this banter and he would be in the clear. 

Instead, she raised one of her eyebrows. “Why don’t you teach me and then we’ll see about that incentive?”

He smiled again at her, taking the joint back from where he’d tucked it behind his ear. The whole time he taught her how to smoke it, all he could think was that he hoped the boys were convinced. None of them had said a word and he was too anxious to look at them on the off chance they knew he was faking everything. 

Unfortunately, he was a good teacher, and the girl smoked the joint in a way that told Lucas she’d only been pretending it was her first time. He couldn’t really blame her, he’d done a great many things to catch Kes’ attention in the past, many of which he wasn’t very proud of. He could tell she’d been hoping he’d shotgun with her, but he needed to get way more drunk before he decided to do that.

“My name’s Sofie,” she said, fluttering her eyelashes at him. Or maybe she was just blinking, he really didn’t know. 

“Lucas,” he said, holding out his hand, even though she already knew that. 

She clasped his hand lightly, pulling him closer. “Well, Lucas, how about that incentive?” 

For the record, he knew what the “incentive” was before she even leaned in. But whatever, she was pretty, she seemed nice, and all of his friends were staring right at him. What was he supposed to do? Say “No thanks, actually, I think I’m into guys”? Yeah, right.

It wasn’t a bad kiss, as far as kisses went. He put his hands on her waist as she wrapped her arms around his neck, because girls liked that or whatever. He felt a pat on the back and broke away a moment to see Sander, Jayden, and Kes leaving the bathroom. Sander plucked the joint from behind Lucas’ ear and saluted him, Jayden whistling as he passed by. 

As soon as they were gone and Lucas was alone with Sofie, he dropped his performance for the most part. He was sure she could sense a shift, because she frowned almost immediately. “What’s wrong?” 

He forced another smile and shook his head, trying to clear his mind. “Nothing, nothing,” he assured her, even though the true answer was more like everything, everything. 

That seemed to satisfy her, though, because she leaned back in and he obliged her, kissing her the way he wanted to be kissed by someone he actually liked. There were no fireworks, no spark, but he’d long given up on finding that with anybody. If he had to coast through life like this, so be it, it was what he deserved for the shit he’d done, particularly to Isa and Kes. 

“Do you want to get out of here?” she asked breathlessly, bright blue eyes shining even in the dim light of the bathroom. 

“Um, sure,” he responded, completely unenthusiastically, but she didn’t seem to care. Hopefully there would be some sort of distraction upstairs that could come between the two of them. 

He held her hand lazily, guiding her out of the bathroom and back upstairs where the party was still in full swing. He nearly ran directly into Engel, who had a concerned look on her face. 

“Lucas! Have you seen Isa?” she asked hurriedly, looking over his head as she spoke. 

Sofie gripped his hand tighter and he almost laughed. Yeah, she should definitely have been worried about Engel stealing him away. “Isa? No, not for a while…” he answered, realizing she’d asked a question. “Why?”

Engel bit her lip and looked back towards the door. “The police are here, there was a noise complaint or something.”

He had hoped for a distraction, and this would have to do. 

“Shit,” he said, more worriedly than necessary. He dropped Sofie’s hand. “I’ll go ask Kes if he’s seen her.” He was going to do nothing of the sort, but neither Sofie nor Engel needed to know that. 

“Thank you so much, I don’t want to talk to them because I’m a little tipsy and…” Engel was still talking, but Lucas stopped paying attention. While Sofie’s attention was on Engel, trying to console her, Lucas slipped away, maneuvering around the house and all the people in it until he made his way to Isa’s bedroom, thankfully vacant, and slipped out through her window.

He honestly couldn’t believe that had worked as well as it had. 

“Excuse me?” a voice said behind him.

Or maybe not. 

He turned slowly, trying to look like he was definitely not a little bit drunk and high. It was probably a failed attempt, but at least he tried. 

“How old are you?” the officer asked, looking him up and down. 

“Seventeen,” he answered automatically, because it wasn’t a crime to have a drink at that age. The weed was another issue, and he prayed she didn’t smell it on him. 

She narrowed her eyes, as he’d expected. “If you’re seventeen why did you sneak out the window instead of the front door like everyone else?”

He shrugged. “I wasn’t sneaking, it was just less crowded, and I was already in the room with the window.”

“Mhmm,” she hummed, clearly unconvinced, “And what’s your name?”

“Ralph,” he said, the first name that came to his head, “Ralph Hansen.”

“Ralph Hansen,” she repeated, and he nodded. She looked him up and down again. “Wait here.”

As she turned to walk away, Lucas weighed his options. One, he could try to run for it, though he didn’t know how far he’d get. Two, he could wait there for her, which was probably the stupidest option. Three, he could— 

Lucas gasped for breath as the wind was nearly knocked out of him and he suddenly realized he’d been picked up like a rag doll and thrown over someone’s shoulder, someone who was running. He lifted his head and saw Kes and Jayden running and laughing to his right, so he could only assume Sander had picked him up. 

He coughed, trying to regain his breath. “Sander? You can let me down.”

“You’re oddly light,” was all Sander said in response, keeping him slung over his shoulder. It was only when they were far enough away that none of the police would look for them that Sander finally let him down. 

“Thanks,” he said, out of breath even though he hadn’t been the one running. “I owe you one.”

“I’ll take payment in the form of Shakespearean sonnets,” Sander said. 

“Um, ok,” Lucas agreed, because what else could he say? 

“Try saying that ten times fast,” Jayden was saying to Kes, doubled over to catch his breath, “Shakespearean sonnets, Shakespearean sonnets, shapekeriskan smomnets, shakira in a prom dress, asthma and a rhombus…”

Kes started laughing again, which made Lucas laugh, and suddenly all four of them were clutching their lungs, laughing so hard tears fell from their eyes. Maybe the night hadn’t gone exactly how he’d hoped, but at least it ended with him laughing with his best friends, not in the arms of some girl he could never love the way she probably deserved. 

Kes threw his arm around Lucas’ shoulders and the four of them started to stumble their way to the bus stop, moon guiding them overhead. It had been quite the night. 

- now playing: 8teen by khalid -

ZONDAG 10:22 - You got home late last night.

There was no hangover when Lucas awoke, which was always a good sign. He hadn’t drank that much the night before, but he never knew when a decent sized hangover would strike. There wasn’t much reason for him to get out of bed, so he stayed there, light falling in waves across his face from the half closed curtains over his bedroom window.

It was moments like this, in complete solitude, with the sunshine streaming in and the bare white walls of his room fresh and clean, that he didn’t mind being in his home. Most times, though, he hated it here, wished he was anywhere else. Guilt roiled around in his stomach every time he had that thought, but he couldn’t deny it was true. 

Maybe if his dad wasn’t the way he was and his mom wasn’t as absent as she was, things would be different. But they weren’t, so he suffered in silence. 

Sometimes it hurt, physically, to know that his mom was hurting so deeply inside and he couldn’t do anything about it. She was bipolar, but she didn’t have episodes very often anymore and when they did come he knew what to do, so that wasn’t even an issue really, there was more to her absence than that. It was like she stopped wanting to care, or try, but it wasn’t a depressive episode. There came a point earlier that year when she stopped greeting him after school, then stopped talking to him altogether. At first he’d been petrified he’d done something wrong, or that she found out the secret he was hiding, but later he started to think maybe his dad had something to do with it. 

He’d left the two of them during Lucas’ mother’s last manic episode, but he still came around often enough to leave an air of tension over their household at all times. He’d never known how to respond to Lucas’ mother’s episodes, and he wasn’t the most tolerant person in the world, so Lucas wondered if maybe his mother had just heard how useless she was so many times that she’d started to believe it. He himself had heard all sorts of things from his father over the years, but now he was better at blocking them out. 

He opened his phone to find a bunch of messages from his group chat with the boys and rubbed his eyes as he started to read them.

Kes: sander, you still have the weed right?

Sander: yeah, why?

Kes: cops found some at isa’s and she thinks it’s mine x_x

Jayden: lmaoo bro 

Sander: yikes, well you can tell her it’s not ours for sure

Kes: sweet thanks 

Jayden: why isn’t luc responding? luuuuuuuc

Kes: he’s probably still asleep

Sander: it’s half past ten?

Kes: not all of us wake up at 5 am for no reason 

Sander: i detect shade

Kes: you would be: correct

Sander: 🖕🏾🖕🏾

Kes: :)

Jayden: shut up guys i wanna know about lucas and the girl he pulled last night 👀

Sander: he didn’t pull a girl, we pulled him away from the cops

Jayden: you know what i mean

Jayden: are you still talking to her luc?

Lucas didn’t know why he’d expected anything different. He hadn’t been talking to Sofie, but, as he exited out of his texts and moved to Instagram, he did see he had a new dm request. The username was sof_heide, which could really only be one person, but he played dumb and clicked on the user’s profile just to be sure

He groaned, he would deal with her later, but if he put off dealing with his friends, they would just get more persistent. 

Lucas: morning

Jayden: there he is! 

Kes: details…?

Sander: ^^

Lucas: there’s not much to tell. after you guys left we made out a little bit more and we were gonna go bad to her place, but then the cops showed up and we got separated

Kes: sorry dude :/

Lucas: it’s not a big deal, she’s not the only girl in the world

Kes: too true ;)))

Lucas: anyway, i gotta go, my mom needs me. see you losers at school tomorrow 

Kes: 😘😘

Jayden: i miss you already 😪

Sander: you guys are so weird

Sander: but i’ll miss you too 🥺🥺🥺🥺

Lucas rolled his eyes and shut off his phone, tossing it onto the opposite side of his bed. Some day. Some day he wouldn’t continually lie to his friends about his life. Today was not that day, but he promised himself it would be soon. 

- now playing: idle town by conan gray -

By the time Lucas made his way into his kitchen for breakfast, his mom was already sitting there, staring out the window with a cup of coffee in her hand. He poured himself some cereal and sat across from her, shooting her a small smile that she didn’t return. 

“Morning,” he said.

She looked at him, finally. “You got home late last night.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, ducking his head. 

“I’m not mad, I was just stating a fact.”

“Ok.” He didn’t know what else to say. That’s how it always was these days. His mom didn’t seem to want to be his mom anymore, she just existed to acknowledge his existence every once and awhile, make vague comments, and drink her coffee. He knew it wasn’t her disorder talking either, because he’d lived with her almost eighteen years and knew more about her than he knew about anyone else. This detachment, it was new to them both. 

“I saved the new season of Stranger Things,” he said, even though he’d watched it already with Kes ages ago. “We could have a lazy day and watch it together?”

His mother looked him up and down. “Don’t you have homework?”

“It’s the beginning of the year, I don’t have much yet,” Lucas explained. He’d already finished most of it anyway, schoolwork came easily to him. 

She hummed, looking towards the window once again. Lucas followed her gaze, resting on a bird eating out of one of the bird feeders out in their yard. “I have some things to do. You can go ahead and watch by yourself.”

“Ok,” he said softly, turning his attention back to his cereal. It tasted stale and dry, which was fitting. His whole life was stale and dry, and even though he was aware of this, everyday he hoped for something different. It hadn’t happened yet, but he didn’t know when was appropriate to give up hope. Maybe he should have already. 

He and his mother sat the rest of the time he ate in silence, and she didn’t look back at him once, even though he watched her nearly the entire time. Sometimes he wished he could be like Liv or Jayden and just live with a couple roommates instead of dealing with everything going on at home. But he would miss his mother too much, even if she was pretty mentally and emotionally absent as of late. 

There was really no winning, but when had Lucas ever won a decent hand at anything in life.

MAANDAG 13:17 - Here’s to the culture club!

- now playing: wild by troye sivan -

Lucas was eating his lunch, ignoring his friends, which was pretty common as of late. He didn’t want to talk about girls, and he definitely didn’t want to talk about Sofie, so it was better if he just pretended to listen to the point that the three others forgot he was even there.

He let his gaze wander around the room and at snagged on a boy standing at the other end of the room talking to someone. Lucas had never seen him before, was he new? He was… Lucas didn’t have a word other than beautiful. He didn’t look like the kind of person who belonged in high school, he looked like the type of person who belonged on magazine covers and film screens. Lucas found himself smiling as the boy smiled at whoever he was talking to, and wishing he could have been the one to make him smile. 

“Hello!” 

Lucas was jolted out of his daze by Engel standing in front of their table. He saw Kes and Jayden exchange glances, while Sander grinned up at her. “Hello!” he said, with the same amount of enthusiasm. 

Engel smiled wider. “How are you guys? Good Monday?”

“As good as Mondays can get,” Kes offered, looking around her. Lucas was sure he was looking for Isa, not that he’d ever admit it. 

“I have a proposition,” Engel said, still smiling softly in a way that seemed to come naturally to her. Lucas actually liked Engel and the other girls a lot, but he knew that his friends thought Engel could be a bit much sometimes. 

“We’re listening,” Jayden said seriously, and Sander shoved him in the side. 

Engel continued, unperturbed. “We— and by we I mean me, Isa, Liv, and Janna— are starting a culture club! Our experiences in Tallinn were so enriching, and we wanted to create an opportunity for others to experience something like that, so we created the culture club! We’ll do fundraisers throughout the year, and at the end of the year the whole club will go on a trip to the culturally enriching destination of our choosing!”

As far as clubs and ideas went, this wasn’t the worst one he’d ever heard. Honestly, even if it was, Engel probably already knew they would all say yes to her anyway. If they’d been at her sad excuse for a Tallinn fundraiser, they would be there for this too. Plus, getting a vacation out of it was an upside. 

She looked at them eagerly, awaiting their reactions, not even noticing when Isa, Liv, and Janna joined her. Isa was glaring at Kes, which probably meant that she didn’t believe him when he said the weed the cops found wasn’t his. 

“We’ll be there,” Kes said, looking pointedly away from Isa. 

Engel smiled wider, looking at her friends smugly. “Awesome!”

“It starts at 18h. Please try not to be late,” Liv added, looking at Jayden specifically. 

“Anything for you Livvie,” he teased, blowing her a kiss. Liv flipped him off as Isa laughed beside her, placing her head on Liv’s shoulder. Sometimes Lucas wished he was Liv and Ralph’s roommate instead of Jayden. Ok, a lot of times.

“18h,” Isa reminded them, pointing at each of them in turn, “If you’re late we’ll…” She paused, trying to think of some punishment. 

“We’ll guillotine you,” Janna offered.

“We’ll guillotine you!” Isa finished, then looked up at Janna in shock. “Wait, no, what the fuck? Where did that come from?” 

Janna wiggled her eyebrows and the two of them busted out laughing. Engel looked like she both wanted to smack the two of them and join their laughter. 

“Seeing as I’m in the business of avoiding the guillotine, I promise I’ll be there on time,” Sander said, grinning at Isa brightly. Lucas glanced over at Kes to see how he was reacting, but he wasn’t paying attention to Sander. Lucas prayed to god Sander didn’t have a thing for Isa, because he really couldn’t deal with any more Isa and Kes and other people's drama. He had enough to deal with already. 

“Thank you,” Isa said, giving him a nod. 

“I’ll be there on time as well,” Lucas felt the need to add, realizing just then that they were the first words he’d said the entire time they’d been at lunch. No one else seemed to notice though, thankfully. 

“If Luc’s there, I’m there,” Kes said with a grin, fist bumping Lucas over Sander’s head. 

“If all my friends are there, I’m there,” Jayden joked, earning him not a fist bump, but a light shove. 

“Will there be snacks?” Sander called out, but the girls were already walking away, moving onto the next group of people they could invite to join their club. Lucas tried to look for the boy he’d seen earlier, but he was gone. Maybe he’d never been there at all and Lucas’ brain had just been so bored it had conjured up the most beautiful boy he’d ever seen. 

Whatever the case, Lucas tried to tune back into the conversation, pasting a smile on his face and pretending that his mind wasn’t elsewhere. 

“Here’s to the culture club!” he heard one of them exclaim, and sighed. Vive la culture club and all that!

WOENSDAG 9:39 - I think the word you’re looking for is egotistical.

He’d really hoped that this year he’d get a biology teacher who knew what a bra was. The last time he’d pointed this out to Kes, Kes had just said that ‘wasn’t very women’s rights of him’, so he hadn’t said anything since. Not that he didn’t support women’s rights, obviously he did, but he didn’t really want to see his fifty something year old teacher’s nipples during science class. 

Physics was one of his favorite classes regardless, he’d always much preferred science to literature or history. Most everything in science was absolute, and he appreciated that. Even if things weren’t absolute, there was always a theory to test, an experiment to try. There were answers, more often than not, answers that didn’t lie in symbolism and bullshit. 

What was a better way to distract from personal things he couldn’t control than to focus on the things he could? He could get good grades if he studied and worked hard enough and he could have fun nights out with friends if he didn’t overthink every invitation. When everything felt out of control he liked to think about the future, about all the things he’d do when he wasn’t the mess of a seventeen year old boy. 

Like being out and proud, going on dates with boys or hooking up with a person he was actually attracted to, not one he thought would impress his friends. He’d tried to hook up with a few guys in secret through Grindr, but he’d always been scared to go all the way with people he knew didn’t actually care about him in the way he craved. Late at night he’d let himself fantasize about finding a boy he liked, who actually liked him back. It went without saying that those fantasies stayed fantasies.

He was so zoned out staring that he didn’t register when Isa sat beside him until she cleared her throat. 

“Hi?” He hated himself for being so awkward around her, especially when she’d gone out of her way to make sure he knew she forgave him. 

“Hello,” she said, adding nothing else. 

He looked around the room. “Not that I’m mad you’re sitting by me or anything, but why?”

She usually sat with Janna at the front of the class, and he usually sat with Jayden. Jayden was a terrible lab partner, but at least he didn’t have to be partnered with someone random. 

“Kes told you about the weed?” she asked without further preamble. Ah, so that’s what this was about. 

“Ies, I swear it wasn’t us—” he began, but she cut him off.

“That’s what Kes said too.”

He sighed. “Well then you should believe us. You can ask Jayden and Sander too.”

She considered him carefully, narrowing her eyes. “I believe you,” she decided. 

“Thank you. Then…?” He gestured, wondering what else she needed. 

“I need you guys to actually show up to Engel’s meeting.”

Lucas smirked at her. “I thought the four of you came up with the idea together?”

Isa laughed, leaning back in her chair. “Please. You know very well that Janna and I were hungover, Liv was distracted by Noah, and we all agreed because none of us were really listening. That doesn’t mean we don’t care or anything though.”

“Of course not,” he agreed, raising one eyebrow, and she shoved his shoulder.

“Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything.” They smiled at each other and it was like everything was back to how it was a year ago. Lucas really had missed hanging out just the two of them. 

“Perfect!” their teacher said, and both of them shot their heads to where she stood in front of them. “Lucas, Isa, you can be partners then.”

Isa looked like she was about to argue, then glanced at where Janna and Jayden were bent over in hysterics over god knew what. “Ok,” she said, which surprised Lucas to the point that he didn’t argue either. 

When the teacher handed out their worksheets, Isa just shrugged and nodded to their friends. “I figure with you I’ll actually get some work done.” 

“You figure correctly,” Lucas confirmed, pulling his worksheet within readable distance. “Oh, this is easy, it’s just on Newton’s laws of motion.” 

“Right…” Isa trailed off, looking at her worksheet like it was a foreign language. Lucas grinned and folded his arms on top of the table. 

“I forgot how shitty at science you are.”

She glared at him. “Shut up! There’s got to be a subject you’re not great at.”

“Nope, I’m perfect.”

“Now that’s definitely not true. Maybe you need to brush up on your vocabulary, I think the word you’re looking for is egotistical,” she countered, placing her head in one hand and grinning sarcastically at him.

“You’re a menace, Keijser,” he said, mostly because he meant it. She was a menace, but one he would happily endure. 

She scoffed, then looked at him pointedly. “Right back at you, VDH.”

“VDH?” he raised his eyebrows. 

“Van der Heijden takes so much effort,” she complained. 

Now it was his turn to scoff at her. “It’s a pretty standard surname.”

“Doesn’t mean it’s not way too much effort to say out loud.”

He stuck his tongue out at her, and she returned the gesture. They were children, is what they were, but they were still doing better than Jayden and Janna, from the looks of it. Those two were an unlikely pairing, but one that made sense at the same time. The things they’d get up to if they became friends… Lucas didn’t even want to know. 

He turned his attention back to Isa. “I fear we’ve created a monster.”

She tore her gaze from their friends and nodded soberly. “I was thinking the same thing.”

A small grin, the quirk of a lip, and then they were laughing like they used to before it all went to hell. Maybe hell was relative, after all. Lucas hoped so.  

- now playing: maybe by half alive -  

VRIJDAG 18:00 - You’re new, right?

- now playing: true affection by the blow -

The music was turned up loud enough in Lucas’ headphones that he could ignore everything else going on around him, just the way he liked it. He was wondering what the odds were that he was the only one of his friends to show up, but then he figured Kes would probably be there no matter what. Jayden probably would be too, now that him and Janna were best friends or whatever. Isa and Lucas had been very thrown off by this development, even though they were technically responsible for it. 

Lucas walked into the room at on the dot, surprised to see Jayden, Sander, and Kes already seated. He was usually the earliest of them all. At least he wasn’t late, it seemed no one had come yet except for the girls and the boys. Isa gave Lucas a wide grin and a thumbs up when he walked in, and he smiled in return, taking a seat beside Kes.

“Why was Isa so happy to see you? I just got a nod,” Kes complained, leaning back in his chair. 

Lucas shrugged. “I let her copy my physics worksheet earlier this week.”

“Ah, that’ll do it,” Kes agreed, interrupted by the arrival of a few others. Lucas watched them all walk in and silently swore to himself when he saw Sofie accompanied by a few friends. Her eyes lit up when she saw him and she beelined towards the four of them. 

“Hey, Lucas,” she said, smiling shyly. 

He forced a smile of his own. “Hi.”

“Did you, um, see my message?” she asked, biting her lip. Her friends giggled around her and Lucas died a few times internally. 

He decided to play dumb, so thankful he hadn’t accepted or acknowledged her message request. “Um, no?” he furrowed his brows for believability’s sake. 

“On Instagram?” she clarified, smile dimming. 

He shrugged apologetically, sensing his friends eyes on him and knowing exactly what they were thinking. “I’ll check later, my phone’s dead right now,” he promised, and her smile sprang back into place. 

“Great,” she said, “Um, I’ll leave you guys be now, then. Talk to you later.”

As she walked away Lucas finally relented and looked at his flabbergasted friends.

“Dude!” Sander said, blinking in disbelief. “A girl that hot messages you and you don’t ‘see’ it?”

“I didn’t see it!”

Sander rolled his eyes, clearly not believing him. “I don’t get you, man. You nearly go all the way with her the other night and then pretend like you don’t know her a week later? Don’t string her along if you’re not interested, but if you are, go for it.”

“This is literally the second time I’ve talked to her! I’m not stringing her along, I barely even know her,” Lucas argued, voice a hushed but somewhat irritated whisper. 

“I’m just saying.” Sander looked at him pointedly, and Lucas rolled his eyes, facing the front of the room. Once he did so he was stunned in his seat. He blinked a few times to make sure what he was seeing wasn’t a trick. 

It was the boy from the other day, standing in the front of the room talking to Engel. Lucas couldn’t make out what they were saying, but when he smiled that same smile from the cafeteria Lucas nearly combusted on the spot. He was in trouble all right. 

The boy turned then, and Lucas didn’t have time to look away, causing their eyes to meet for a brief second. Maybe it was just him, but he swore a light sparked in the other boy’s eyes. But then he looked away again, returning his attention to Engel before making his way over to the seats and sitting a row behind Lucas and his friends. 

Lucas refused to turn around, even though he wanted to more than anything. He thought of how embarrassing it would be to be caught staring, and kept his eyes forward.

“Welcome to the culture club, everybody!” Engel said, and Lucas focused closely on her words to keep his mind off the boy behind him. 

“I’m Engel,” she continued, “And this is Liv, Isa, and Janna. We started this club because we all went to Tallinn at the end of last school year, and the experience was so enriching for all of us that we wanted to share the opportunity to do something like that again with others! Um, we’ll be putting together fundraisers throughout the year to save up for our new trip, and every week we can focus on a different culture to learn about and make food from that culture…” Engel’s voice was a bit shaky, and she looked at Liv gratefully when she put a hand on her shoulder. Lucas wondered how many times she would say ‘enriching’ over the course of the meeting. 

Jayden raised his hand, and Engel nodded to him with a smile. “Where are we going for our ‘cultural trip’?” 

“Oh… um, that’s a good question!” Engel laughed nervously, and Liv took over. 

“We’ll vote on it at our last meeting before the holidays, that way we have enough time to consider our options and enough time to plan all the details,” she explained. 

Engel nodded gratefully. “Exactly! Since this is our first meeting, I figured we’d separate into small groups and exchange stories of what cultures we come from, and then we can share as a group!”

Lucas discreetly checked the time on his phone. Not that he had anywhere to be, but he did want to get home and make dinner for himself and his mother, just in case she forgot to eat again. He should call her just to make sure she knew why he was going to be home late. By the time he looked back up, Kes, Jayden, and Sander were already in the middle of a conversation. About girls, not culture, but whatever. 

“Hey, I need to call my mom really quick, so I’m going to dip out for a second,” Lucas said to Kes, standing from his chair. Thankfully Engel wasn’t paying attention, and at Kes’ nod Lucas was able to slip out of the room undetected. 

He went to the bathroom for privacy and typed in his mom’s number, pacing around while he waited for her to pick up. The phone rang, and rang, and rang, and Lucas was finally forced to give up, swearing and tossing his phone to the ground, probably not the best idea. He was so caught up in his frustration that he didn’t realize someone else had entered until they spoke. 

“You look like you could use a joint.” Lucas scooped up his phone (thankfully unbroken), face red with embarrassment. Then he looked at the intruder and blushed further. It was him.

“Sorry, I was just— it doesn’t matter,” Lucas tried to explain, rubbing the back of his neck. 

The boy smiled, not the same way he had earlier, this one was a subtle uptick of the corner of his mouth, and pulled a joint from behind his ear, holding it up to Lucas. “Is that a yes, then?”

Lucas found himself smiling as well in the same sort of half serious half teasing manner. “Do you do this often? Go around handing out joints to strangers?”

“‘You see I usually find myself among strangers because I drift here and there trying to forget the sad things that happened to me,’” the boy said, raising one eyebrow. 

“Um…” How did he respond to that. 

The boy sensed his discomfort and laughed, lighting up the joint right there in the bathroom. “It’s F. Scott Fitzgerald. The Great Gatsby?”

“Oh, yeah.” Lucas had read that one a little while ago, but he definitely didn’t remember it well enough to quote it. “Thought I recognized it.”

“Liar, you did not.”

Apparently he wasn’t as good at bullshitting as he thought. “I have read it,” he promised.

“You should read it again,” the boy suggested, passing the joint after taking a long drag. 

As Lucas raised it to his lips he found it impossible not to stare at the boy’s lips, blushing as he realized this. It wasn’t his fault that this boy had an ethereal look about him, like he came from another world entirely. Lucas wondered if the world he’d come from was better than this one. “I’ve never seen the point in rereading things,” he admitted, and the boy snatched the joint back so fast Lucas didn’t have time to react.

“Your weed privileges have been revoked,” he said with a scandalized expression. 

“Oh, they have, have they?”

“How else are you supposed to truly comprehend a piece of literature, take in all the nuances and details you missed the first time, appreciate the work fully if you only read it once?” the boy gesticulated wildly with his hands as he spoke, looking like Kes when he was on one of his political tirades. 

Lucas thought about it a moment, then shrugged. “I guess I’ve never thought about it like that.”

“Same goes for films,” the boy continued, pointing at Lucas with the joint before taking a quick drag. “If you watch them once how will you understand it to its complete potential? You’re too busy taking in the plot to see the cinematography and how it interacts with the soundstage, or how the actors move about the space, what kind of world has been crafted so masterfully for your entertainment.”

“Because I definitely watch the Fast and the Furious for the stellar cinematography,” Lucas joked, reaching for the joint only to have it pulled out of reach once again. 

“Tell me you did not just say that.”

Lucas shrugged like, so what if I did? “Are you pro or anti Fast and the Furious?”

The boy considered this. “While I can understand the cultural impact of the franchise,” he began, “I just really don’t think it’s something to use as an example when talking about masterful cinema.”

“Do you always speak this eloquently?” Lucas wondered aloud, earning him a raised eyebrow and weed privileges. 

“It’s the writer in me, I suppose,” the boy answered, accompanied by a shrug. 

“Writer, huh?”

Another shrug. “Maybe.”

There was a beat of silence where the two of them just looked at one another. It was comfortable, was silence supposed to feel this comfortable with someone you’ve only just met? “You’re new, right?” Lucas asked when he worked up the nerve to break the silence. 

The boy nodded. “What gave it away?”

“The fact that I’ve gone to school with everyone else here for years and I’ve never seen you before.” It was partly a lie, but he couldn’t very well say he’d seen him Monday and hadn’t stopped thinking about him since. 

The boy laughed, resting his hands back on the counter. “That’ll do it. Yes, I’m new. I transferred here for my final year.”

Lucas nodded, not saying what he was thinking. It was odd that he’d transfer in his final year, but not unheard of, Lucas supposed. “Well, I’m glad you’re here,” he said before he could stop himself. 

“Oh, yeah?” the boy grinned that beautifully bright grin, and Lucas found himself nodding again.

“Yeah.”

The door banged open and Liv walked in, looking back and forth between the two of them in surprise. 

“Liv?” She looked at him. “You know this is the men’s bathroom?”

She crossed her arms, looking at him pointedly. “You know you’re not allowed to smoke on school grounds?”

“Sorry, that was my fault,” the boy cut in, extinguishing what was left of the joint and smiling at her apologetically. Liv narrowed her eyes at him, but accepted his apology with a shrug.

“You’re just lucky I found you, not Engel,” she said, and Lucas cracked a smile, silently agreeing with her. Her face turned apprehensive. “The meeting wasn’t horrible, right?”

“Not at all. It was great,” Lucas lied. In truth, he hadn’t spent much time at the actual meeting, though it had run a bit boring while he was there. 

The boy nodded along with him. “Such a good idea,” he added. 

Liv turned her attention back to him and placed a hand to her temple, shutting her eyes and grimacing. “I’m so sorry, I haven’t properly introduced myself. I’m Liv.”

She held out her hand and the boy took it, smiling sincerely. “Kaz,” he responded, eyes meeting Lucas’ for a brief moment as if he was speaking directly to him. Kaz. It fit him perfectly, a name that seemed a bit harsh and cacophonic on the outside, but was really quite beautiful at the same time.  

“Well, it’s great to meet you Kaz. I’ll see you around? Preferably at the next meeting?” she asked hopefully, and Kaz laughed. 

“I’ll be there,” he promised, looking at Lucas. 

“I’ll be there too,” Lucas found himself saying, ignoring Liv completely. 

Kaz. Lucas really wanted to know him, and he got the feeling that Kaz wanted to know him too. 

- now playing: boys by charli xcx -

+ meet kaz

[lucidpantone]

Chapter 3: Visitations

Someone recently asked the tag if Sander and Robbe stayed together forever. 

Here’s a fic exploring the journey to get to that answer.

This fic takes place in two simultaneously timelines: the past and the present.

Italics is the Past. If not, it's August 15th at any point in the day I chose to drop you into.

Large line breaks are a new memory.

Read the rest on Ao3.

87  

89  

90  

91

The concrete stairs are overwhelming.

Sander thought to himself as he ascended them coming to a full stop outside Robbe’s apartment  door. His reflection looking back at him. The residue of sundown’s volcanic incandescence was high in the sky creating a mirrored effect on the building. It was one of those ghastly mid century modern blocks that was lathered in a matte high shine finish. Giving the entire building a sensation of reflectivity. Sander disliked these types of buildings. They felt cold and soulless. These were the kind of buildings that Robbe would defend as being functional but completely lacking in any of Belgium’s highly regarded Art Nouveau/Art Deco qualities. Of course it would be Sander’s luck that this building’s heinous exterior would be the thing that would make him recognize that he was on the right street about to knock on the right door.

Sander had only been to Robbe’s Brussels apartment once before when Robbe moved into it almost a year and a half ago. He hadn’t seen Robbe since he had checked himself out of the hospital and Robbe had driven him home. Sander was somewhat aware of Robbe’s schedule due to the frequency of his texts over the last couple months but he hadn’t told Robbe he was coming. He wanted to catch Robbe off guard. Lessen the possibility of allowing him to gather any of his usual armor to barricade himself from Sander’s charm. After Sander’s hospital stint he knew he had made a mistake. He had allowed himself to believe a false narrative that he and Robbe weren’t perfectly crafted for each other. That they both hadn’t found a way to defy the gods and find one another. During his darkest days Robbe would show up ardently. Journeying between south and north to come spend his time by Sander’s side.  During their time apart Sander was certain that a fracture would have formed. A crevasse so large that it would have cordon off each of them to their respective lives never allowing them to leap across the barrier but Sander was wrong.

During Sander’s hospital stay he caught a virus that germinated from within an undeniable appetite for Robbe. This sickness was a contagion, a gnome sequenced strait into Sander’s DNA. An ailment that percolated beyond marrow-deep, an essential function of the body. It caused a mutation in Sander’s mental state; he’d sit and sketch just Robbe all day long something he had long stopped doing. He would anticipate Robbe bursting through the door in his work clothes, kicking off his loafer, tearing off his shirt and tie.Unapologetically changing into whichever one of Sander’s t-shirt he could find rambling on about the days occurrences making himself completely comfortable in Sander’s orbit. Sander would just watch him take notes of all of Robbe’s beautiful idiosyncrasies, the way he would tilt his head from side to side whenever he lost his train of thought, the way his eyes followed Sander’s hand when he scooped his hair onto to one side, the high pitched giggle that would generate from the back of his throat whenever Sander teased him or he was slightly embarrassed, but also the other side.

You see Robbe had an innate ability. Anytime any medical staff entered their bubble he could morph from his typical bambi-eyed self into a calculated tactician operating under a didactic agenda of inquisition readily observant of negative evaluations concerning Sander’s mental health or the need to further medicate him. It always took Sander aback when he saw this side of Robbe he could be so detached, frigid, coupled with a spikey disposition. This side of Robbe’s was one of the few things he never made public something he reserved only for Sander, only for the things he was most passionate about, the things he wanted to keep safe. Over the years Robbe had surmounted a vast amount of experience when it came to how medical professionals treated the people he loved. Between his mother and Sander’s treatments Robbe had become a battle hardened mutt who’d survived dogfight after dogfight. If he ever sensed your judgement or mistreatment of Sander he could be vicious, react like a rabid animal ready to evasicarate you. Sander’s touch being one of the only things that could stabilize him. Bring him back to himself.

On the last night of Sander’s hospital stay. Robbe delivered one of his high octane good boy next door performances that managed to convince the nursing staff to let him stay pass visitation. He knew their time together was coming to an end. He would go back to his daily life in Brussels and Sander to his normal routine. So, Robbe surprised him. Sander’s episode had kept him from attending the annual contemporary art retrospect at Belgium’s Museum of fine art. Sander loved that retrospect he attended it religiously usually with Robbe by his side. So Robbe found a way to bring it to him. He snuck into Sander’s room during his final therapy session and set up a projector and his laptop up to walk through the exhibition virtually. He accompanied their private art show with one of Sander’s Bowie playlist.  

“Art, can be really feeble” Robbe sighed out as Sander and him laid on their backs looking up at the ceiling walking through the exhibition.  

“What don't you like about it?” Sander pointed his arms towards the work.

“Its a 6 foot gold toothbrush, what is artistic about that?” They both snorted at Robbe’s criticism.  

They both hadn’t anticipated the potency of the next work. It crash-landed into them like a ball of fire. It was an image of a fireworks display, but it paused at the exact moment at the end of one of those big celebratory new year’s eve fireworks’ display when they turn the sky into a pantone of colors and lingering stardust creates a mirage-like effect as the fireworks dissolve into themselves. In-turn making the ground underneath you vibrate like some sort of epicenter to a natural disaster. The artist had probably never intended for the viewer of this piece to take it in on their backs, from a ceiling, in a sterile hospital room, but this setting worked. It magnified the piece allowing its luminescence to turn the hospital room’s white walls into a colorful kaleidoscope of radiance. As they lay there staring at the work Sander turned to Robbe who was in a state of hypnosis, completely captivated, and echoed “I love you”. Robbe snapped his cheek towards Sander his beautiful doh eyes gleaming from the stained glass effect the image was transmitting around the room. Without much thought Sander took Robbe’s hand, the one that when clasped together completed the phrase they both had scribbled on their wrist.  

Sander had been longing to reach out and kiss Robbe for the past couple of weeks but he was so afraid. Afraid that Robbe wouldn’t kiss him back, that he had truly kicked the habit of their love but he scooted towards him anyway, leaped across the crevasse and closed the gap between them and placed an ever so soft kiss on Robbe’s lips. Robbe stilled for a few seconds, unsure, tentative, questioning the gesture but after a few seconds he didn’t object he accepted Sander’s invitation letting Sander slip his tongue onto his. Amping Sander up as he climbed on top of him and slid his hands under his shirt. Robbe let go of his sobriety that night, let the inertia that surrounded them collapse in on itself and create a vortex. That was the first time Robbe and Sander would sleep together since their separation. The first of the many times that would follow and taint them little by little but in that moment neither of them cared. Robbe and Sander just allowed the rain drops of the fireworks above them melt them into symbiosis.

“Sander what are you doing here?” Robbe inquired as he came hurdling out of the apartment building’s door. Just as Sander was about to buzz in. Before Sander could even respond he noticed a dirty blonde with disheveled hair standing behind Robbe. He felt a flicker of anger for a moment but he managed to divert it and turn on.

“Who’s your little friend Robbe?” Sander struck back with a self assured confidence ignoring Robbe’s initial question. Sander didn’t really care who this transient guy was he just didn’t want to miss the opportunity to make Robbe pay.

“This is David”,  Robbe said sounding a bit apprehensive.

Sander waited for Robbe to introduce him but when he didn’t so he took it upon himself to do the honors.  

“Sander”

He extended his hand out to David. Taking notice of the guy’s icy blue eyes the only thing memorable about him.  

Robbe interjected himself into their salutations.

“This is my fri--” Robbe wasn’t fast.

“Am his ex, ya know the love of his life, center of his universe, the one.” Sander really emphasized the last part as he delivered his schtick in his most casual fuck boy tone.

Robbe’s jaw dropped.

Sander had Robbe exactly where we wanted him with a cocksure grin painted across his face. Daring Robbe to say something to him.

Robbe didn’t react fast enough.

“So where’s that accent from David? Doesn’t sound local?”

The poor guy clearly confused and a bit flabbergasted by these odd exchanges between exes. Fumbled out an answer.

“Berlin”

“Oh I loooove Berlin. Robbe and I went to this sex show out there once where this girl was sho…….”

“That’s enough” Robbe cut him off in a matter of fact tone.

Sander was clearly posturing now. Enjoying every minute of this transaction.

“Robbe aren’t you gonna let me finish my story?” Sander pouted back at him.  

“Come now” Robbe grabbed his date by the arm and dragged him away.

Sander was just hotshotting now and yelled out to Robbe, “That’s what you said. Bye David”.

Robbe looked back at Sander and threw him an are you kidding me look.

Sander started counting out loud. He gave Robbe 90 seconds, tops.  

“69, 70, 71, 72……. Ah there you are?”  

“What The Fock Sander” Robbe let out in frustration but also with a tinge of glee behind his voice.

Sander was resting with his back against the doorway with one knee up and his foot up against the wall.

“What?” Sander shrugged his shoulders with a deadpan expression acting like he was utterly confused as to what he had done wrong.

“Your unbelievable, you know that?” Robbe shook his head from side to side as he walked towards him with his head down trying to hide the smile on his face.

“I wonder if he’ll call you?” Sander was clearly gloating now with a wicked grin across his face as Robbe opened the door.  

Whatever game he had initiated he had most certainly won.

“Didn’t realize you were into that whole mopey plant lover vibe though.”

Robbe gave him a smart ass remark, “I dated you for 5 years didn’t I?”.

“Touche, touche” Sander wagged his finger in Robbe’s face.

“But it was actually almost 6 Robin” Sander corrected him as he booped Robbe’s nose while he walked past him and entered the apartment building.

As they walked into Robbe’s apartment. Robbe put his fingers in his ears in anticipation.

Sander took his right hand to his mouth placing his thumb and index finger between his lips and pursed out a deafening high pitch whistle.  

All of sudden the clank of a bell began to approach them. Bowie had come to Sander on command.

“My boy!” Sander picked up that damn cat and smothered him all over his face. Worshipping him. The cat evidently loving every minute of it. Purring to no end.

Robbe walked over to the fridge and grabbed them a couple of beers. He was about to hand one over to Sander who was holding Bowie up high above his shoulders like a baby when he paused. One of his eyebrows rising towards Robbe’s direction.

“Have you..”

Robbe finished Sander’s sentence as he took a sip of his beer. “Been feeding him the grain-free stuff?”  

Robbe nodded.

“He feels heavier”

“Are you sure it’s…?” Sander probed.

“One third of a cup? Yeah. Also, can you not say that out loud? Not in front of the kid, he’s sensitive.” Robbe jokingly reprimanded Sander for commenting on their bowie’s weight.

Sander gave the cat one final smooch and then put him down on the ground. Finally taking that beer off Robbe’s hand.

The inside of Robbe’s apartment had one of those open plan layouts that was situated from right to left. Kitchen, open plan middle space which housed a dining table and living room. It had the icky new build vibe that Sander hated.  

Sander examined the apartment with his eyes and looked back at Robbe who was leaning against his dining table staring at him trying to decipher what Sander would say next.

Sander had almost forgotten why he had even come here and now that his whole plan went awry. He felt a little exposed as he had no real reason to be there.  

“So….” Robbe egged on the conversation. His eyes shifting back and forth.  

Trying to get Sander to participate but Robbe was so good at sensing Sander’s feelings. You’d swear that Sander had little thought bubbles protruding above his head storytelling his internal narrative for Robbe’s personal consumption.

“I know why you’re here?” Robbe finally said. Sounding a bit illusive.

“Oh yeah” Sander asked inquisitively.

“Why am I here?”

“You came here to do that thing we always do” Robbe said as he made a come here gesture with his hands.

Sander broke out a warm smile. Typical Robbe always saving him. Protecting him.

Sander walk towards Robbe. Placing his beer on the table behind him. He then placed both of his hands on each of Robbe 's shoulders and pressed their foreheads together as a sign of thanks for what Robbe had just done.

Pulling back and finally saying to Robbe.

“Okay, but no subtitles this time. Promise?” Sander demanded.

“Sanderrrrr” Robbe whined.

“What is it with you and all that foreign shit.We end up watching tv shows in 7 different languages” Sander jokingly scoffed at Robbe.

“What’s wrong with that?” Robbe asked offended. Thinking doesn’t everyone do that.

“Come” Sander said turning his body to face away from Robbe. Signaling Robbe to get on his back he was going to carry him to the couch.  

Robbe jumped on recalling in his mind how many times they had done this exact thing. In the years that Robbe and Sander had been together they had formed their own traditions. When Sander was hospitalized or at home not feeling very well he would lay in Robbe’s arms in bed or on the couch and just marathon shows for hours. It was strange because any other time Sander wasn’t much of a TV watcher but in Robbe’s mind those moments were some of the best of their relationship. They would just lay together for hours. Robbe would just grip Sander so hard he practically left bruises on Sander’s arms but Sander would still have to remind him to hold him tighter and nuzzle himself even deeper into Robbe’s embrace.

“Where’s your watch?” Robbe picked up his head off Sander’s shoulder to respond.

“Oh my watch broke. I think it’s the battery or something. I needed a new one anyways.”

“Do you still have it? Sander asked as they sat down on the couch together.

“I can fix it for you” Sander was always the handy one in their relationship.

“You don’t have to do that. It’s old. Just let it go.”

“No come on. I want to. I can bring it back to life for you” Sander said as he gestured spooky fingers.  

“What's going on up here?” Robbe twirled his fingers towards Sander’s hair.

“What you don’t like my platinum tips with two inch roots?” Robbe leaned over towards Sander and sweetly rustled his overgrown hair.

This touch of intimacy spurred Sander onto his next thought. He grabbed onto Robbe’s wrist as he began drawing it back from his head and asked.

“Maybe you could dye it for me tomorrow?” His focus shifted downward. As to not draw too much attention as to what he was implying.

There was a pause from Robbe. An acknowledgement of the invisible contract Sander was handing over to him requesting some sort of temporal permanence.

“Only if you cook dinner the night after?” Robbe responded back.

Sander looked up at him with an adolescent grin and leaned in and gave Robbe the most innocent peck on the lips. There was no intent behind it aside from a simple thank you.

“Are you hungry?” Robbe asked.

“I could eat”

“Are you in the mood for anything specific? Italian, French, Greek?”

“Doesn’t matter” Sander titled his head towards Robbe direction. Tacking on.

“I eat everything”

“Everything” Robbe repeated in a sultry voice.

“Yeah everything” Sander spoke onto Robbe’s lips. This kiss, not so innocent.

“Seriously stop…order please. I am starving” Robbe pushed Sander off him in a playful manner.

Sander took out his phone to start ordering but before he did Robbe grabbed him and twirled him around on the couch and brought Sander’s back up against his chest. positioning his arm around Sander's chest. Sander placed a small kiss on the base of Robbe’s thumb and continued on ordering.

“Anything but french” Robbe said as he placed his chin atop Sander’s head.

“You know how I feel about french” Robbe added as he placed another kiss on Sander’s temple.

Finally closing out the dinner conversation with “Don’t forget something sweet for dessert”.

“Something yummy,” Sander said playfully.

“Yeah, something yummy” Robbe toyed back as he pulled Sander tighter into his arms.

****************************************************************************************** Salivating... 

The silkiest organ

Swirls of sulfates

Mixing… 

As the roof of his mouth pressed onto the demerara. Brandishing it’s sugary topcoating onto his enamel. 

Relishing it. 

“Tasty?” Luc whispered into his ears as he swallowed it down. 

“It’s so good” Robbe moaned with a full mouth. 

“Don’t forget to go slow.” Luc egged him on. 

“I want you to really taste it.”   

Luc told his boyfriend. “Is it sweet enough?” Robbe took a big gulp down as confirmation.

“Good, because I wasn’t sure if you would like the raspberry sea salt flavor” Luc quibbed.

Robbe and Lucas(he preferred Luc) had now been dating roughly around 9 months and in that time Robbe was sure Luc had fed him every cake in Belgium and the Netherlands combined.

Luc had one rule, you were only allowed sugar if you burned it off and well Robbe and Luc had found creative ways to work off their glucose consumption.

They hadn’t been together long but they had already established their after sex program. Luc would always bring some decadent treat along for them to share in their post fucked out haze.

Luc was so different from what Robbe had previously experienced. A total skate head with a beach bum swagger composed of a wardrobe of cuffed up light denim, extravagantly printed socks pulled up to his shins, paisley short sleeves shirts which he hardly ever button pass one notch and an array of different colored bucket hats, caps, fedoras and worn down chucks coupled with his signature fur collar denim jacket.

Luc wasn’t an easy breezy type. That wasn’t his style, he was always a little pumped up, boombastic when at his best. Years of living his life on ledges about to drop in into bowls, half pipes or slopes had made him permanently frenetic. He’d learned to meet Robbe in the middle though and give him one slice of cake before he would eventually hijack Robbe’s tranquility and kick him out of bed to hold an impromptu jam session, go skate or find some new concrete hideaway to go vandalize.

Oh and his music taste. There was only one god in Luc’s world, and his name was Marley. BOB MARLEY. Fuck Bowie.

Just kidding, Luc loved Bowie too. He was Robbe’s favourite so he loved anything his boyfriend loved.

If Luc hadn’t impressed Robbe enough during their first meeting well Robbe was not prepared. Luc was a real life wheeler dealer, a bird of prey. He could gnar with the best of them. Play it fast and loose. Go full vertigo. Nothing got Robbe more jacked up then seeing Luc shredding up a storm on his board completely shirtless with his jeans barely hugging his hips and a quarter inch of his boxer’s on display; his washboard abs glistening with sweat. Luc tailspinning through the sky like a stick of dynamite on the path to self destruction.

Luc lived his life like he rode his board. Bitchin fast, at full voltage, bursting with kerosene, no concept of consequences. When his sponsors asked him to ease up on his on the spot celebratory make out sessions with Robbe after his winning runs. He laughed in their face and told them next time he get Robbe to blow him so the kids could get a real show. I mean that was just typical snarky Luc. A real life renegade. Take it or leave it. There was no real way to describe him, a jack of all trades, a real mad hatter, some even called him an artist.

Robbe loved it. Loved him.  

Robbe hadn’t realized how much he had missed the familiarity of a known lover. He had gotten so used to the dribs and drabs of affection that Sander schlepped out that he had just sold himself short but Luc was some unexpected pixie prince who blitz in ready to declare Robbe his. No questions asked, stick a fucking fork in it, done, over, schluss.

Luc was uninhibited too. What he felt is what he said. Luc was loyal to the soil and Robbe was his budding flower. The first time he said “I love you”  he asked for nothing from Robbe in return. Love wasn’t some sort of payment system for him. Luc told Robbe when you know, you just know. None of that mask your feelings in mystery bullshit. For Robbe it took time but Luc was the catalyst he needed to finally wash away the remnants of his past. He did eventually tell Luc he loved him and he meant it but the experience in itself was surreal. See Robbe had never even considered the possibility that he would fall in love with someone else. Sander basically took Robbe’s heart hostage from a young age and Robbe never looked back but somehow this magpie dutchman with his steely azure eyes, a bucket hat and guitar finally broke through and broke Robbe.

“Baby, you want the last bite?” Luc brought the spoon to Robbe’s mouth.

Robbe shook his head back and forth on Luc’s chest. He was too comfortable, lazily placed atop Luc, straddling him. Luc sitting up against Robbe’s headboard with one hand through Robbe’s hair and the other carefully balancing a porcelain plate and fork. As Luc went to put the plate down on the bedside table he grabbed the little bit of whipped cream left on the plate and rubbed it straight down Robbe’s nose.

“Luc” Robbe whined.

Luc immediately cupped his hands on Robbe’s face and gave Robbe a wet sloppy lick. Clearing the cream off. Stopping at Robbe’s mouth to push the remnants of the cream onto Robbe’s tongue and into him. Robbe took that as signal, intensifying the kiss and started gently thrusting onto Luc’s hips. Luc smiled against Robbe’s mouth but before Robbe could really get lost into his heat. Luc broke the soppy kiss. He was such a tease.

“Have you been thinking about what we talked about?”

Luc flashed those pretty eyes at Robbe. Robbe instantly thinking he needs to stop doing this himself. Stop peering into eyes that have the ability to dissolve him.

“Mmmmmhmmmm”

“And….” Luc coaxed him.

“Don’t you think it's a bit too soon?” Luc placed his hands on Robbe’s hips slightly squeezing them. Assuring him he was listening closely.

“I mean it's only been 9 months” Robbe said in a barely audible whisper.

“No pressure” Luc ran the back of his hands on Robbe’s cheek to ease his visible tension.

“We’ll do whatever you want. I just want to be able to wake up next to you every morning”  

“And Bowie?” Robbe added on. Pointing at the black hair cat watching them at the edge of the bed.

“Oh shit” Luc let out.

“I forgot my apartment doesn’t allow pets.”

Robbe’s hands started to feel clammy all of sudden.  

“His coming with me or I am not coming.” Robbe stated harshly in deviance.

Luc laughed at Robbe’s reply finding it a bit dramatic but then he realized Robbe was dead serious. If the cat wasn’t welcomed, he wasn’t coming.

“Ok hear me out. You move to Amsterdam and we look for a new place and come get Bowie. Do you know anyone that could watch him for a month or two?”

Yeah, Robbe knew someone….

“Is he doing better with you?” Robbe enquired tentatively. Knowing this was a sore subject.

“Oh you mean has Bowie tried to scratch my eyes out, bite my fingers off or even let me remotely close to him lately” He let out sarcastically. Knowing damn well that fur ball hated the living shit out of him. He honestly didn’t know why, pets usually loved him but this one seemed to be planning his demise.

“Anyways” Luc said in an attempt to break up the awkwardness. “Sesh time” He picked Robbe off him and headed towards their acoustic guitars resting in the corner of Robbe’s bedroom.

“I finally learned the cords” Luc let out with excitement.

“Took you long enough. I've been waiting.”

Luc hands Robbe his classic mahogany finish Martin. While Luc sports a zestier walnut burl Yamaha.

“Calling rhythm” Robbe declared as he tuned his guitar.

Luc raises his eyebrows in acceptance. Handing Robbe a black pick.

Robbe moves towards the middle of the bed to give Luc room to hop on. They sat across from one another looking at each other.

“Tempo is 1 and a 2 and a 3……” Robbe tells Luc.

Robbe presses his left fingers on the frets. His right fingers holding the pick and he mouths to Luc E add 9 and begins to strum down, up down down, up down up, down, up down down.

Luc picks up Robbe’s tune and Robbe switches out to the rhythm.

Luc continous to play the intro.

Robbe starts to move through some bar chords switching from E to G causing the steel cords to whine out gently as Robbe tabs on them through his cord changes.

Robbe and Luc sit there bobbing their heads up and down as they get lost in the music.

Luc starts to sing the intro “Here comes the story of a hurricane”

Cord change [Robbe]  

The music begins to ascend, “Cyclone…...You’re on your own”.

The strumming is starting to get heavier now.  

Robbe slides his hand down the neck of his guitar to hit some high G’s.  

His eyes are closed now. He knows this part by heart. His working the pocket.

Both men are fully swaying now. In the groove.

Luc sings the chorus. The part everyone knows.

“It was bad and I was unable to pull him inside”

Cord change [Robbe]

They’re at the bridge now.

The strumming intensifies as they hit the crescendo.

Robbe is slumped over his guitar shredding it out. Aggressively bobbing with eyes closed.

This next lyric is Luc’s favourite. He sings it directly to Robbe. Robbe opens his eyes to watch him deliver it to him.

“I could never hate you. Even If I tried”

This part is all Robbe, the pick solo.  

The music is just flowing out of them now. The pace starts descending.

Luc starts playing a little slap stick to wrap it up.

Robbe is taking the melody home.  

Both men are leaning so far back their feet are off the bed as they strum it out.  

There shoulders moving in syncopation with one another.

Robbe winds it down slowly. Not wanting to let go of the moment.

But eventually he stops and lets the music go out.

Both men look up and giggle at each other in perfect harmony and share a kiss.

“I love you” Luc says as he takes hold of Robbe’s chin and kisses him again.

“Love you too” Robbe tells him back.

As they pull away from each other. Luc whisper’s in Robbe ear.  

“I am so happy that I found you”

Robbe shudders. Lightning strikes him. An overwhelming nausea overcoming him. His body stiffens.

“Are you okay?” Luc asks him.

Robbe hops out of bed muttering something about feeding Bowie knowing that he needs to get out of room.

He runs to his kitchen sink. His body violently letting out a dry heave over the sink but nothing comes up. It's just a reaction.

He hovers over the sink for a few seconds splashing water on his face. Trying to gather himself.

He feels something massage his arm. He jumps back and realizes it's just Bowie nuzzling him. His aqueducts begin to moisten so he squeezes his eyes shut and looks up at the ceiling. Attempting to will everything away but he sees it, the white studio with the pictures on the walls. His breathing starts to even out after a minute or two.

He opens his eyes, feeling somewhat composed. Thinking he managed to keep it all at bay but little did he know the rot within had begun to permeate, a contagion that was seeping into every orifice of his soul.

******************************************************************************************

Is this where the living come to meet their death?

In the gullies of the earth.  

Where tranches of unclaimed dukedoms exist awaiting reanimation.

Oxygenless.

Still.

The soulful, arms up, reacting to the vastness in complete surrender.

Robbe feels the pressure, he moves slowly.

Unable to make out anything. In dire need to escape his holdings.

The laws of thermodynamics pushing him towards the surface.

He finally gives in. Contracting his body and propelling himself vertically upwards. Like a jellyfish moving through the ocean currents. His lungs thanking him as he reappears from his watery submersion.

Robbe’s vision takes a moment to adjust. Still in disbelief that he let Sander talk him into one of his usual clandestine expeditions of break-ins, yacht clubs and late night canal swims.

Robbe wipes the back of his hands against his eyes in attempts to wipe off the condensation clinging onto him. He can’t see anything. Its pitch black, and the canal provides no lighting. All he can see is the deck lights in the distance. Where he abandoned his clothing and all of his usual utilities.

“Sander!” He screams out in panic.

Nothing.

Silence.

Robbe starts to paddle towards the deck. He's been in the water for what feels like eternity. He’s exhausted so he twists his body towards the sky and begins to backstroke.

The moonlight is shining down on him.

He paddles lightly. Tiny waves billowing around his body. The stars surveillance comforting him.

Robbe absorbs the cosmos above him. His mind blank, calm, reassured. A baptism of the mind via compound elements.

Suddenly a creature from the bowels of the riverbed pulls him under.

He turns to face it.

Robbe and Sander are swimming across from one another. Face to face, the water encasing them. Sander swims over to Robbe. He goes to kiss him but before he can lean in, Robbe pulls up.

Ripples crack through to the surface as both men reemerge.

“Still don’t know how to swim?” Sander yells out breathlessly. Struggling to grab enough air to even out his slight panting.

“Still cheating?” Robbe taunts.

Sander paddles over to Robbe. He is so close to Robbe's face he can feel his breath on his cheek.

“Something’s never change”, Sander whispers to Robbe. His eyes glistening in the moonlight.

Like shiny emeralds looking back at him.

But Robbe isn’t swayed so easily by Sander’s charm anymore and responds.

“You know I was foolish once. The kind of kid that was impressed by breaking the law and making out in large bodies of water”

“And what about now?” Sander starts leaning in towards Robbe.

Robbe puts his index finger under Sander’s chin and moves his cheek to the side. Dodging Sander’s advances and says.

“Still foolish, but maybe not so young” Unable to contain a cheeky grin.

Robbe starts to paddle away from Sander. Then he stops, looks back at Sander and tilts his head towards one side and says.

“Come, race you.”

Sander gives him a soft laugh and paddles towards him up for the challenge.

“On the count of 3”

“1, 2 ….”

Before Sander could even get to 3. Robbe starts sprinting towards the deck.

Sander yells out to him.

“Cheater”

It seems so juvenile Robbe thinks but he feels so exposed as he stands on the deck putting his clothes back on in front of Sander. Sander has literally seen Robbe naked hundreds if not thousands of times at this point.

“Stop looking” Robbe slips out coyly. Pulling his jeans up onto his hips.

“Am admiring the view” Sander says with a mischievous smile across his face.

“Come on, hurry up.  We need to get home, Bowie needs his dinner.” Robbe checks the time on his watch. It clocks 21:21.

Sander turns around to face the Scheldt canal. His back to Robbe now.

“You know I once heard this story” Sander says. Still facing away from Robbe.

“About two boys and a beach house with a moon just like this one” Sander points up to the sky.

Robbe knows where he is going with this but he doesn’t want to hear it. Not now. Not this story. Not after everything that has happened. This story is off limits.

“Please don’t” Robbe says in a stern voice. Sander turns around to look directly at him. Knowing by the tremor in Robbe’s voice that he has hit a pain point.

“Why?” Sander challenges Robbe, annoyed at his lack of engagement.

“You used to love that story?” Sander adds on.

“I used to love a lot of things” Robbe threw back with venom.

Sander wasn’t amused by Robbe’s comment but he was prepared. He knew this moment was inevitable. So he continued.

“These two boys fell in love at the house by the beach”

“The brown haired skater boy……”

Robbe rushed him, pissed and asked again.

“Stop it, Sander. Just stop it”

Robbe pushed him hard now. Almost making Sander fall off the deck.

“I don’t want to hear your stupid fucking story” Robbe pleaded.

But Sander was relentless. Taking the opportunity to incite Robbe even more.

“Then we had the artist who fell in love with his skater boy.”

Robbe was seething now. An indescribable rage bubbling within him. Sander knew this story was hazardous. It wasn’t meant for retelling unless needed.

But Sander knew how far he could take Robbe until he broke him and he was determined to shatter him into pieces. So he went on with an almost growl in his voice.

“The artist would say that the moonlight was shining down on the skater boy and he knew.….” Sander suddenly charged at Robbe. Cupping his cheeks in his hands but with distinct force. His eyes pierced through Robbe as he slowly queued Robbe into the story while holding his face in his hands, peering down at him and asked.

“What did he know Robbe?”

Sander squeezed his cheeks even harder. It hurt Robbe a little, Sander noticed and lightened his grip up.

“Say it”

Sander’s pupils were fully dilated now. Almost black. It made him look so harsh under the moonlight.

Robbe stayed silent. He didn’t recant the story. He didn’t want to.

Sander was nose to nose with Robbe now. Still holding Robbe’s cheeks in place. Robbe was sure his heart was going tachycardic as Sander said.

“What are you afraid of skater boy? That maybe you’ll speak the story into existence.”

Sander almost violently let go of Robbe making him fall back on himself. Switching up his charm instantly into one of his nonchalant demeanours.

Then he said, “I think it's time to get you home Robbe. You need to feed my cat.”

And now….Now Robbe had had enough and he unleashed.

“He’s not your cat. So don’t come in here thinking you know what's best for him because you don’t. Oh, and just so you know. He hates that fucking diet food you buy him. He likes to be petted upwards not downwards. He sleeps on the right side of the bed because I sleep on the left and I give him half a cup of regular food because one third doesn't cut it anymore. His changed. You don’t know shit about him. You gave him away, you left him, you abandoned him and you have no right to him now.”

Robbe hadn’t realized he was so enraged until a tear rolled down his cheek.

Sander just glared at him, grinding his jaw down. His eyes squinting in a fiery veil Robbe hadn’t seen before. He said nothing as he walked towards Robbe but when they got shoulder to shoulder as he passed him. Sander stopped, looking straight ahead and said.

“I didn’t abandon him. I took him to the only person I knew would protect him.”

Sander walked off into the night. The moonlight shining above them.

******************************************************************************************

“Do we need to protect your scalp?” Genade asked.

“Nah, It's not bleach, it's just hair dye” Sander said.

“I still can’t believe you won’t be a blonde anymore.”

Sander shrugged his shoulders as he checked out his dye job in the mirror.

“Sometimes you just need a change” he said.

“I am thinking of dying my locs too. Maybe purple”

Sander scowled at that statement and shook his head.

“No don’t do purple. I hate purple”

“I love your pink locs. They stand out against your skin. Make you look even more beautiful in the sunshine”.

“Awwwww, thanks baby” Genade pressed a kiss on Sander’s lips.

Genade de Heem was a half dutch/half nigerian hippie fairy with an edge. Sander met her at his tattoo shop's grand opening. Noor had brought her along as her plus one. Sander was instantly infatuated with her. I mean it was hard not to be she was a stunner. She looked like a young Zendaya. A real life ten.

They hadn’t been dating long. It was all still very new but so far she was close to perfect for Sander. She was a wild child like him. A Bowie fan too she even knew all the b-sides. An ink queen with a huge lettering piece on the back of her arms that read Love Is Love. She meant it too. She had no reservations or premeditations about people, life or love. She didn’t push Sander for a label either. She would say, why need a label? When lost souls are meant to be they will find one another across the dunes of life. So they just existed, and they were cool with that.  

“Babe you want to go out tonight? Show off my new look” Sander asked.

Genade agreed but added on.  

“Let’s make it an early one though. Remember we gotta bake those croissants tomorrow”.

Yeah, she was an amazing cook too.

“Ok ready?” Sander asked as Genade sat in the bedroom waiting.

“Yes, show me” She said.

Sander walked out of his bathroom into the bedroom as a full blown brunette.

Genade squealed.

“You look smoking hot”

Sander rustled his wet brown hair. It was certainly different for him but like he said he needed a change. Needed to “look” more grown up.

“You know what, lets just go out now. I am in the mood” Sander said, hyped up.

The pair got moving and started collecting their shoes and jackets but as Sander put on his signature Black Doc Martens, he thought nah. In tribute to his old hair he was going to pull out the white Doc Martens. He walked over to his bed and got on his hands and knees to peer under it. Those shoes had to be somewhere in this general area.

Finally he found them but as he pulled them out a litter of other shoes came along for the ride. All tangled up via their prospective shoelaces. Sander picked apart his white Doc shoelaces and dropped the rest of the shoes on the ground as he started the usual wiggle and jiggle to get his boots on. He hadn’t even noticed Genude staring at him from the doorway.  

“Your so pretty baby” Genude said in the warmest voice.

“Oh yeah come over here and I’ll show you how pretty I can be”

There was the squeal again.

Genude dropped her bag and jacket on the spots and ran towards Sander who was sitting on the edge of the bed but as she sprinted towards him she tripped and dove past the bed. Sander tried to grab her but her hands slipped off his and she crash landed on the other side of the bed alone.

“Ca’va?”

She pushed herself off the floor and signaled to Sander that she was fine just a little embarrassed.  

She went to look at what she had slipped on.  

On the floor were some old grey vans.  

“Stupid shoes!”

“I've never seen you wear these”, Genude stated in a prying fashion. Realizing quickly those didn’t look like Sander’s size.

“I don’t wear them anymore actually. Honestly I should just throw them away.”

As Sander grab the pair of shoes to toss them in the garbage.

Genude stopped him and said, “No keep them, you know how these things go full circle and come back into fashion.”

“They’ll probably be al la mode within the next year or two”. If she only knew.

“If you say so” Sander encouraged her.  

“Anyways, lets go, I need a drink”

Genude nodded in consensus.

As Sander headed out the door, he turned back around and kicked the shoes back under the bed.  

Forgetting about them for now.  

Sending them back into the darkness.  

*****************************************************************************************

The clock dials filled up the silence.

Tick …

tock….

Tick…

tock….

It sat above Dr Meyer’s office door.

He would just sit there and passively observe it. The time, passing forward.

He was usually disengaged and uninterested but something felt different today.

His voice pierced through the silence.

“There’s been something lingering” he said with little regard to the allowance of truth he was exposing.

His hands were clammy. So he gripped his fist. Hoping it would provide some sort of comfort.

“When I was younger, I use to let people control me. Influence my thoughts and feelings. Try to tell me what I felt without really listening to me. Or noticing how I was hurting, how I was changing. It made me angry, made me say things I didn’t mean. Hurt the people I cared about."

"It made me think I am never going to find anyone, at least no one who’ll really love me.”

He exhaled.

“But I did find someone and he was great. Perfect even, but I ruined it and now I keep asking myself why?” This was an unusual admittance for him. Sparking a recollection of last night’s happenings and the nights before that.

Laying in the dark.

A bareless ceiling.

Questions left unanswered.

“Are the sleeping pills not working?” Dr Meyer asked.

“Are they having any negative side effects?”

He hated questions like these, probing ones that were an attempt to calculate the durability of your mind. He also really hated the layout of Dr Meyer’s office. It felt like it was intentionally laid out to make you feel like some sort of dance monkey being poked at to divulge some existential secret about your own reality. He was over this session, he wanted it to end. Thank god he told the doctor he would need to leave early today.

“I haven’t been taking them. I mean I have them. It’s just ...I don’t know. There is so many thoughts going on and on...”

He twirled his index fingers around his temples. A depiction of his minds’ instability.

Dr Meyer took note of that comment and wrote it down.

“Could you maybe benefit from some mood stabilizers?”

That question made him anxious. Made him press his palms together and scratch his nails on the surface of his left hand. An adolescent twitch that became an established habit after so many years of over exposure to medical professionals.

“Yeah maybe that could help, but I think before I do that, I should try to find some answers. Take care of something that has been gnawing at me.”

“I could refer you to a more senior colleague if needed. Someone that specializes in sleep disorders.” The doc suggested with a sense of empathy.

“Could you maybe come back at 4pm today?”

He shook his head back and forth and started to get off the couch.

“Sorry doc. I have to go now. I did mention I needed to leave early today. I have to be somewhere at 10am.”

He put his jacket on and looked at his watch.

“And looks like I have 19 minutes to get there now.”

He gave the doc a one hand palm up salute to thank him for his time.

He walked towards the exit and as he turned the door handle Dr Meyer tacked on.

“Oh and Robbe”

“Try to come back at 4. So we can try to help you with the sleeping.”

Robbe gave the doc a lackluster sign of acknowledgement.

He left quickly.

Ran out the office, and into the daylight.

The autumn leaves scattered all across the pavement on his route to work.

[noradarhkpalmer]

well versed in etiquette, extraordinarily nice

Title: well versed in etiquette, extraordinarily nice

Rating: PG

Pairing: Nora Darhk/Ray Palmer aka Darhkatom

Warnings: Some pretty anti-arrow feels are in this one, sorry y’all.

Summary/Notes: Ray and the rest of the Legends are invited to another wedding of their allies. After the Nazi invasion from Earth X, Ray is hesitant to go. Nora encourages him only to find out that Team Arrow will be there and Nora is not sure she can be held responsible for what would happen if she were left unsupervised near Oliver Queen

Day nine of 25 days of Darhkatom! Feel free to click the through my blog to see the others! Basically, I will be posted all loosely related (unless stated otherwise) fics for 25 days straight!

Thank you so much to @timetravelingpalmer for encouraging me to publish this.

Ray honestly wasn’t sure whether or not he’d attend another wedding of someone in their general circle of allies after what happened the last time. Nazis. Losing a Legend. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong.

And yet he and the rest of the Legends were all agreeing to RSVP for the wedding of Wally West and Linda Park. He liked Wally, he’d been a part of the Legends for a short while and had saved him from being kidnapped in Berlin and had helped defeat Mallus. Wally was a cool guy and Ray couldn’t be more happy for him.

“Wally feels too young to be getting married. Isn’t he like 15?” Nora asked as they walked back to their room.

“No, I think that’s how old you technically are right now.”

Nora smacked his chest playfully. “So, who’s going to be your hot wedding date?”

Ray shook his head. “You, of course. Though I could always take Zari, she’s not the one with the history that may complicate the jolly festivities…”

Nora arched a brow. “And what’s THAT supposed to mean?”

“Well, Team Arrow is invited and you, for good reason, don’t like them.”

“Yeah cause Oliver Queen killed my dad.”

“Well Oliver Queen is probably going.”

Nora thought for a minute. Really thought if she could be civil and be in the same room as the man that killed her father. She understood from the day that she was free of Mallus that her father was not a good man, not even a good father, but he was still her father and he had sacrificed himself at the very end to give her a second chance. Knots formed in Nora’s stomach. She wanted to be there, with Ray, do something that made her feel normal. Normal people were their boyfriend’s plus ones to weddings.

“As long as I don’t have to talk to him I’ll probably be fine.”

“I’ll make sure we stay clear on the other side of the room of him at all times.”

xxxx

Much like Barry and Iris, Wally and Linda held a party the night before after the wedding rehearsal at Jitters. Ray and Nora were thrilled to be back in the place they had their first date in. The space was a lot smaller than they had remembered and it definitely felt small when Nora spotted Oliver Queen walk in with a pretty blonde on his arm.

Nora tightened her grip on Ray’s arm and he looked down at her.

“What’s up?” Ray asked.

“He’s here.”

Ray followed her gaze to where Oliver and Felicity stood. He saw the ring on Felicity’s finger shine brightly in the fairy lights decorating the room and swallowed. He knew that when he and Felicity ended things she went to be with Oliver but he had no idea they had gotten married after the Nazi’s from Earth X had invaded.

“If you feel like you can’t do this, we can go. Wally and Linda won’t be upset. We’ll just say goodnight and see them at the wedding tomorrow.”

“No I need to do this. I’ve been able to grow so much mostly thanks to your help. I need to be able to at least stand in the same room as him. It was a long time ago for me, I can handle it. I’ll let you know if I can’t. So thank you.” She leaned up and pecked his lips.

They continued to mingle with the others, mostly keeping in groups with the other Legends, occasionally talking with members of Team Flash, congratulating Wally and Linda until two blondes made their way towards them.

Nora tightened her grip again on Ray’s arm. “Relax, I’ll handle it.”

“Ray!” Felicity held out her arms for a hug. “How are you? I’m sorry about Professor Stein, he was a good man.”

Ray nodded. “Thanks, Felicity, I think that there will always be a missing piece of the Legends because of his absence.”

“Yeah. We all saw how many lives he touched at the funeral…” realizing the conversation was dying she turned her attentions towards the brunette with Ray. “Who’s your date?”

Ray pretended to not try and deflect the conversation onto something other than Nora and facepalmed himself. “Of course, you guys haven’t met. Felicity, this is my girlfriend, Nora. Nora, this is Felicity and Oliver Queen.”

Felicity pulled Nora into a hug, which was probably the last thing Nora ever wanted, and thankfully Oliver was standoffish as usual and didn’t even offer a handshake.

“It’s… nice… to meet you guys.” Nora tried to regulate her breathing. She was just a girl, meeting old friends of her boyfriend’s.

Felicity crinkled her nose. “Wow, we have so many Nora’s floating around lately, now another, how fun.”

“Yeah… exhilarating.” Nora deadpanned.

“And your eyes are so pretty, they’re absolutely striking.”

“Thanks, I got them from my dad.”

Nora watched as the comment made Oliver almost visibly flinch. She tried her hardest to hide the smirk. If he had figured it out, watching him squirm at her kindness was going to be almost as fun as all of the things she used to plan to do him if she ever got the chance to see him again.

“Well they’re gorgeous. So are you a Legend?”

“I am. Have been for about three months now.”

“That’s awesome they’re a good group of people.”

“Especially Ray.” Nora leaned her head onto his bicep. “He’s made me a better person.”

“Ray sees the best in people.”

“That he does.” Nora replied in a sickenly sweet but almost ominous tone.

Oliver coughed. “Felicity let’s go get a drink. It’s was nice seeing you again Ray, and meeting you Nora. We’ll talk later.”

Nora watched them walk away and smirked.

“See that wasn’t so bad.” Ray grinned optimistically.

“No, you know, it wasn’t.

xxxx

“Hey, we have drinks back at our table, why did you drag me away like you couldn’t me out of there fast enough? Don’t tell me you’re like jealous of Ray or something.”

Oliver made a face. “No. Something, something’s just off about what just happened.”

“What? The fact that Ray has a girlfriend? I’m really happy for him and Nora seems nice, a little on the dark side, but nice.”

It clicked. If Oliver were in a cartoon, a lightbulb would be turning on.

“Say that again.”

“She’s nice, a little dark but nice.”

“Dark.”

“Yes. The absence of light but also when people act a little mysterious.”

“No. Darhk.”

“Still not following you.”

“I think that’s Damien Darhk’s daughter: Nora.”

Felicity laughed. “That’s not possible. Nora Darhk is about sixteen years old. That can’t be her, that woman is in her thirties.”

“Ray spends his days traveling through time. I don’t know how or why, but I’m telling you, that woman over there is Nora Darhk and she’s dangerous.”

“Oliver, come on. That’s not her. You’re being ridiculous and paranoid. Now can we go back to the party, to celebrate Wally and Linda. Fashion a smile, Mr. Grumpypus.” She pretended to pinch his cheek.

“Fine. But I’m telling you I’m right.”

“Sure.” Felicity patted his chest to appease him.

xxxx

“Felicity… why does that name sound familiar?” Nora asked she stirred her drink while at a bar top table with a few of the other Legends. Ray had left to go talk with Cisco about something on the other side of the room and Nora didn’t trust herself to be left unsupervised.

“Like Felicity Smoak? That’s cause she’s Ray’s ex.” Zari explained and popped an olive in her mouth.

Nora almost choked on her drink. “What?”

“And you didn’t know that. Right well I’m going to exit the conversation now.”

Nora grabbed Zari’s arm. “What do you know about his relationship with her?”

“Brief cause now she hangs on Oliver Queen’s arm. It was right after he bought Queen Consolidated. I’m trying to remember other concrete details but honestly I only know this much cause Amaya and I got Ray super drunk one night and he kept crying about wanting to find love.”

Nora sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Okay. Do you know if they’re still on good terms?”

“Oh yeah, they broke up amicably. Felicity knew her heart was with Oliver and Ray was being a little too Ray about the whole thing. That’s all. Can you let go of my arm now?”

Nora realized she still had it in a tight grip and released it. “Sorry.” She returned to stirring her drink. Oliver had hurt her. Felicity had hurt Ray. She needed Ray to come back before she did something really stupid.

xxxx

Ray finally returned to her side and she kissed him softly.

“Hey, miss me?”

“Always.” She felt him drape an arm around her shoulders and smiled up at him. She was ready to grill his ass.

“Why didn’t you tell me Felicity was your ex-girlfriend?”

“Because we broke up amicably and it didn’t seem relevant and I didn’t want to add to the stress of you being in the same room with the man that killed your dad.”

Nora glared at him. “Your ex married the man that killed my father. It’s definitely relevant, babe.”

“Sorry… I’ll make sure to tell you the next time I run into an ex of mine.”

“How many exes do you have!?”

“Just two others and one died.” Ray squeezed his eyes shut, ready for Nora to hex him.

Nora took in deep breaths to calm herself back down. “Okay. Oliver and Felicity don’t know who I am. We are going to keep it that way because I will not be held responsible for what happens if he confronts me and knows I’m Damien Darhk’s daughter.”

“Don’t worry, I have it all under control.” Ray said and totally lied through his teeth, he did not have it all under control.

xxxx

Oliver caught Sara’s arm and she batted him off. 

“Can I help you with something, Mr. Queen?”

“Sara, I’m going to ask you this once and you better tell me the truth. Who is that.” Oliver pointed over to Nora as she and Ray chatted with Wally and Linda.

“That’s Nora, she joined the team three months ago and has been dating Ray for about as long.”

“And?...”

“And she’s really great, she makes really good baked chicken soup and makes Ray really happy.”

Oliver sighed, exasperated. “You know exactly why I’m asking you who she is. Sara, she’s the daughter of the man that killed your sister.”

“And you’re the man that murdered that man in front of her when she was twelve! She’s not dangerous if that’s what you’re wondering. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a hot date to return to.” Sara caught Ava’s eyes from across the room and winked at her.

Oliver shook his head. “She’s dangerous. She’s a Darhk. She’s probably killed tons of people.”

“So have you and so have I. We’re already a team of misfits and felons, why not add another?”

“Because you guys have reformed.”

“You don’t know that she hasn’t. Look at her, really look at her. Remember the little girl you made watch as you killed her father. She’s only just now getting back to being the person she was before you did that. Ray makes her really happy and Ray has really really sad puppy eyes when she’s not around. Leave her alone, Oliver. I mean it.”

“I’m surprised to hear you defending Damien Darhk’s daughter but fine. If she causes trouble...”

“I’ll kill her myself.” Sara replied to appease him.

xxxx

“Nora Darhk, you’re causing quite the stir.” Sara saddled up next to Nora and Ray.

Nora laughed. “Are you talking about Oliver Queen? Did you tell him who I was?”

“I did and I told him to leave you alone and that if you actually started causing trouble that I would kill you. Now that of course, makes him think I’m on his side when in reality I lied through my teeth and will cheer you on if something ends up happening.”

Nora choked on a laugh. “Thanks for the moral support?”

“Anytime.” Sara clapped Nora on the back and went in search of Ava.

Felicity hurried up to them as soon as Sara left. “Okay so Oliver just told me that Sara confirmed what he was thinking and I just have to say that…”

“I’m gonna stop you right there, blondie.” Nora held up a hand. “I might be Damien Darhk’s daughter but I think I am the first person in line ready to bury every atrocity with my father. Also. I stopped you because your opinion is pretty invalid given how terrible your taste is. You left Ray, a true gift to this world, for Oliver...  oh what could be said about Oliver? Oliver, a man who thought it would be perfectly okay to murder a twelve year old girl’s father in front of her. That is why your opinion is invalid and I really don’t want to continue talking to you anymore.”

Felicity sputtered out words that weren’t actually words and turned on her heel, leaving the conversation.

Ray was shocked, turned on, and proud of Nora. He couldn’t decide which more he was but she could.

“What do you say we ditch this party early and head back to the Waverider since we’ll be the only ones on board?” She winked and pressed her back into his front further, feeling his need for her.

“I… yeah, that sounds like an excellent idea.”

Nora turned a little and grabbed him by his tie. She kissed him square on the mouth and when she pulled away, glanced over at Oliver Queen with a smirk and then led Ray to the door, ready to spend the rest of her night with the man she loved.

[scattered0mind]

Not A Second Glance (Steve Rogers One-Shot)

A/N: OKKKKAAAAY So I decided on three parts. oops. I couldn’t help myself. the next part will take place during infinity wars so spoilers beware!!! To me Steve in this has a lot of trouble accepting himself beyond Captain America because everyone he’s let in beyond that has left one way or another. Thank you all so much for the unbelievable response I’ve gotten on my last one-shot. Writing things have become such a stress relief so thank you for letting me do this and enjoying me. thank you thank. I take requests and I tag!

warning: cursing, makeout, nakedness, hotness, angst, pregnancy, blood, violence

Italics is flashback

Prompt: Steve didn’t sign the accords and instead went after Bucky. Now you are  dragged into the mess that could end badly. 

Part 1 ||  Part 3 || Part 4

You felt warm, and safe. Something you haven’t for a long time. The heavy weight on your waist keeping you locked in place. Whatever the warm thing that your back was flushed against was you couldn’t help but move closer into it. A warm burst of air hit your neck as whatever was behind you groaned softly. Suddenly the heavy weight lifted off of you and the warm thing turned away.

Finally you opened your eyes.

The room was bright with the early morning sun. The window was open and you could feel the soothing breeze come into the room. Your naked body felt every inch of softness from the light white sheets you were tangled in. You rolled over to the other side of the bed, to see Steve stretched out, arm thrown over his head as the other rested on his stomach. His naked body basked heavenly in the sunlight. The sheet only covered low on his waist to the top of his thighs. He breathes were deep and even as he slept soundly. You smiled softly as you stared at the peaceful look on his face. He looked younger, gentler, like the world didn’t throw him through the ringer over and over again.  This was your Steve.

“You’re staring.” He mumbled quietly. His voice hoarse. The corner of his lips turning upwards. You blinked before grinning and cuddling up to him. Your head resting over his heart as he threw an arm around your back, pulling you close. You could hear his heartbeat as you traced circles on his stomach absentmindedly. You stared out the window, thinking as the silence continued comfortably between you and Steve.

“I don’t want to go back.” You confessed. You and Steve had just finished one of the more brutal missions in both of yours career. After you two decided now was the best time for the honeymoon you have been putting off. You guys practically eloped, finding a nice private hotel room in the middle of Switzerland. It was nice to let down the walls and remove the guards with each other for once. Even after getting married you two have yet to give up the solider and agent side of your persons. It was in the intimate moments did you two allow yourselves to be Steve and Y/N.

Steve hummed in response as he rubbed up and down your back lightly. You glanced up to him also looking at the window. Though his face was unreadable, it wasn’t the Captain America stoic face that you got more than you liked. His blue eyes looked distant and pained, like he was already reminiscing this moment in his mind. You reached up and cupped his jaw, making him turn his face towards you. Locking eyes, you smiled slightly at him before reaching up and kissing him hard and slow.

Steve deepened the kiss, pulling you until you were straddling him. His tongue sweep across your bottom lip before demanding entrance. You let him in as he moved his hands to hold your sheet covered backside, pushing you against him as you sighed sensually into his mouth. Both of you allowing yourselves to be nothing but each other.

Nothing but Steve and Y/N.

To say you were livid was  an understatement. After having Steve basically walk out on you the last thing you need was to be called to Berlin while you were six months pregnant. But here you were sitting in a private car, staring out the tinted windows to the streets of Berlin. All because your husband, possibly soon to be ex husband, had too much damn pride.

As you pulled up to the building where he and his team were being held inside, you couldn’t help but have a deep ache wash over you. This time you felt it deep inside, close to your soul as you dug your finger nails into the palm of your hand. You were sure none of this was good for the baby or for you. You even hesitated exiting the car because the things that were about to pass  were surely going to shake the world forever.

You were greeted by Agents Ross and Carter as soon as you entered the building. They caught you up to date for the events that have happened as you three speed walked to the nearest elevator. You gritted your teeth as they went over Steve’s involvement in this incident. You didn’t know if you were going to breakdown in tears once you saw him or rip his head off.

“We would you like you to be a mediator for Barnes if you would. Just while he’s having his psych evaluation.”  Agent Ross asked, hitting the elevator button.

“That’s fine. I expected as much when you called me here.” You nodded. You cleared your throat as the elevator opened and you all stepped in. Agent Carter pressed the floor button. The doors closed quickly.  “Where is Captain Rogers?”

Agent Carter didn’t turn to look at you, standing tense and upright with her hands in front of her clasped together. “In holding. I can take you too him if you’d like.”

“Yes please. Thank you.” You wish you didn’t have the need to see him. To make sure he was alright. You suddenly felt like you couldn’t breathe properly. Not until you saw him at least. Though you told him you weren’t going to be there when or if he got back it still left you in a weird limbo. You two still were stilling having a child together and it was for Agent Peggy Carter’s funeral that he left the way he did. You sat on that for a little longer than you should have. You understood how much Peggy meant to Steve. She was the first person to love just Steve, as he put it. And you respected that. But you couldn’t help but feel a little heartbroken that if given the chance he’d leave you behind to go back.

As the elevator opened open and Agent Carter showed you to a room in a different direction than Agent Ross. You felt the hurt of everything that was about to happen and you felt him kick hard against your stomach like your baby knew too. You were walking to the end and there wasn’t anything you could do.

You entered an office with walls made of nothing but glass, Carter leaving as soon as you stepped in. The first thing you eyes zoned on was the back of your husband’s head as he sat a the conference table. Then you noticed Tony to Steve’s right and Natasha all the way in the back leaning against a wall. You quickly glanced at them before looking back at Steve. He was already getting out of his chair upon seeing you, looking confused and worried.

“What’s wrong? Why are you here? Is it the baby? Is he okay?” He asked concerned as he reached for your stomach to put his hands on. Snapping out of what ever trance he seems to be able to put you in, you stepped back from Steve, remembering how anger and hurt you were by him. Steve stopped moving immediately as you backed away form him. Something you have rarely ever done with him.

“How could you Steve? Do you know what they’re saying about you out there. Jail time? Permanently blacklisted? Jesus Christ!” You yelled at him. Behind you two Tony and Natasha exchanged looks.

“Y/N you shouldn’t be here, you shouldn’t even be involved.” Steve said, side eying Tony who wouldn’t meet his eyes.

“Well I am! Couldn’t you at least once spared us a thought before you jump in something that can ruin us?” You asked, your eyes burning as you swallowed the lump in your throat. “I hate you!

Natasha pushed herself off the wall and gestured for Tony to get up. “We’ll leae for you two to be alone.”

“No why bother? This doesn’t matter at all. Right Steve? This is the last thing you’ll ever be worried about.” You spat at him. Steve’s jaw clenched.

“What do you want from me Y/N? Either way I lose. This wasn’t about anything but Bucky. The one thing I have left-”

“YOU HAVE US!” You screamed throwing your hands up. The room fell abruptly silent at that.You took a deep breath, trying to slow your heart rate.  You closed your eyes for a second trying to keep the tears back still. You were done crying over this. Now and forever. “After I help with Barnes psych evaluation, I’m done Steve. Done.”

You turned away, walking out the door and to where Agent Carter was going to take you down to Barnes. Her eyes were casted down but you knew she heard every word. Everyone in the room probably did. You let her lead her away and into another elevator feeling Steve’s gaze burn into you until the door shut.

After a very uncomfortable quiet elevator with Agent Carter you finally reached where Barnes was currently being held. The plain darkly dimmed room leading into another same room but with Barnes being held in the center of it under a bright fluorescent light. You shook hands with the evaluator. He looked like a meek forgettable man. With mossy brown hair and dark brown eyes. You couldn’t recall his name two minutes after meeting him. You entered the room where Barnes was in a small clear cage, cuffed into place. He had a bored look at his face but you could see the sadness and guilt weathering him. You felt a pang of sympathy looking at this man and immediately thought of how Steve must be feeling. Shaking that thought from your head you took a seat next to the evaluator in front of Barnes.

The man begins to ask basic questions, using Barnes real first name quite frequently. “I can’t help if you don’t talk to me, James.”

“My name is Bucky.” Barnes rasped out.

“Tell me Bucky.  You’ve seen a great deal haven’t you?” The man pressed. You glanced back and forth between them.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Barnes answered curtly.

“You fear that if you open your mouth, the horrors would never stop. Don’t worry,” You opened you mouth to stop the evaluator, feeling something wrong with his presences. But you paused watching him swipe a message open on the screen in front of him. “We only have to talk about one.”

Suddenly the power was cut and you felt a hard hit square in your face hearing your nose crack. You threw you head back on impact when you felt the man’s hand cup the back of your skull and slam your face into the metal table. You fell to the floor quickly. You felt the blood gush from your nose and forehead as you struggled to stay conscious. You couldn’t hear anything and everything was blurry and the light over Barnes hurt your eyes. You watched the shadow of the man walk towards Barnes, his voice muffled and far away. Black spots appeared in your eyes as your reached out one more time to stop the man.

Steve was gone as soon as the lights were cut. You were in that room. Sharon called out the directions behind him. He heard Sam leave right behind as they both rushed down to that floor. Steve opted for the staircase, rushing as fast as he could. His heart felt like it was going to burst. His gut twisted uncomfortably as he thought of you in that room, pregnant. He was a bad husband he knew he was. He wish he could give you everything you deserve but he can’t and he’s too selfish to let you go. Especially now that you’re pregnant.

He was terrified of being a father and found if he distanced himself from the situation he wasn’t as panicked. If he threw himself into as many missions as he could then maybe he would feel like he deserved something so wonderful in his life. He hurt you, bad and deep. He would be lucky if you even let him see your son. You always said he wasn’t there when you needed but now you needed him and god damn he will be there.

He opened one of the door in the stairway leading out to the floor Bucky and You were on. He turned the corner fast, Sam close behind. Steve paused seeing the first knocked out guard and continuing down to the room as fast and cautiously as he could. Steve entered the room seeing more of the guards out cold before seeing you laying curled up on the floor in the middle of the secure room. He rushed to you, kneeling as soon he got by your side. He turned you over gently, your eyes were closed but you had a pulse and you were breathing. He looked over your injuries. Your nose was bent and bleeding and you had a large gash in your forehead that still hadn’t completely clotted yet. He stared horrified over the injuries smoothing down your hair.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered.

“Help me. Help.” Someone groaned. Steve’s head snapped up looking at the man laying on the ground. His eyes narrowed as he recognized him as the evaluator. Leaving you and getting up to get the man.

“Get up.” He said grabbing the man by the throat and throwing him against the wall. “What do you want?”

“To watch an empire fall.” The man hissed. Steve heard something behind and turned to watch Sam get thrown across the room by Bucky. Bucky locked his eyes on Steve, moving aggressively towards him. Steve readied himself as Bucky swung, blocking his hit. Steve continued blocking and jabbing at him as Bucky backed him out the room and into the hallway and against an elevator door, before hitting him through it and down the shaft.

Your head throbbed painfully as you blinked your eyes open. The last thing you remember was watching the man walk to Bucky. You groaned, trying to sit up as you placed your hand on your forehead, pulling away with wet finger tips. You finally got to kneeling position, when you placed your hands protectively over your belly. Grateful you felt okay in that area. You felt him give you a soft kick.

Suddenly something moved to the side of you and you looked from the doorway to see Steve climb out of an elevator shaft. He lost his jacket and was dirty and you could see the bruise on his cheek. His blues locked onto yours for a second before you nodded at him and he nodded back before rushing away. You understood that you had just let him go. But it was better than being left. You kept your hands on your stomach as you sat there waiting for someone to come and help. As you waited to began to sob feeling the loss hit you. You lost Steve, no matter how you looked at it. You lost.

tagged: @lovely-geek

[stellarstolena]

i should write this as like a drabble, but we all know i won’t so... here’s how maia spent s5--

after getting back from space this hoe was like “obviously i must be angsty & need to save my friends by being a spy.” enter, cal malikov (@razborka​), leader of house of shadows, a russian crime family, very unthrilled with the idea of letting diyoza boss them around. cal’s dead thief girlfriend’s backstory bears a suspicious resemblance to maia’s modern crime verse gives maia an idea of just how to wiggle her way into the shadow’s inner circle.

the shadows inner circle consists of kenna o’brien (irish angel, ended up on eligius iv bc the sick girl she was a nanny for died on her watch & she was blamed for it, accidentally ended up a shadow by necessity), ella garipova (hacker princess, all around badass, literally mass murdered 60 people so she could join the eligius iv mission with her brother, highkey a crazy bitch), gavril garipov (ella’s baby brother, dumbass, very soft, only ended up on eligius iv bc the us didn’t want to extradite him back to russia bc they’re #pettylittlebitches), alexander ivanov (russian expat who grew up in berlin, only joined the shadows bc of the garipovs but he’s a ride or die, ella’s boyfriend who helped with aforementioned murder spree & followed her to space), & peter nowak (polish-german & alex’s best friend, ella’s other boyfriend we love an ot3 who also followed her to space, tiny softie who ella & alex would kill to protect)

eventually maia gains the squad’s trust, and begins working out a plan to turn the shadows against diyoza, with the goal of taking the valley for themselves. however this all goes to shit after maia let’s slip she knows about kaja (cal’s ex), who he’s never once mentioned to anyone, not even the rest of the inner circle. he realizes she’s a shitty spy & kicks her out. which ultimately ends up with her almost getting herself killed what’s new? but cal saves her sorry ass & aligns the shadows with diyoza in the showdown

now, at this point, maia’s old friends think she’s sleeping with the enemy they’re not wrong but like she was doing it for a reason, the shadows know she was playing them the whole time, & diyoza thinks she’s a shadow, a group she still doesn’t rly trust. so you know. everybody hates maia a sitcom, coming soon to a tv near you. but like she’s also still useful & the shadows (+ maia) get sent to scout one of the entrances to the valley cue the ominous music

mccreary’s shits attack wow who would’ve guessed and peter gets caught in the crossfire rip my soft kiddo who died before i could flush out his backstory. naturally ella flips the fuck out bc that’s her bf & blames maia for everything, but kenna shuts that shit down real quick & says the shadows would have had to pick sides eventually. they were never getting out of this without either mccreary or diyoza as an ally. kenna drops all the truth tea about how ella blames herself for dragging her three boys into this shit when they rly should’ve just stayed in berlin & been a soft lil family i love causing my characters pain. 

cal has it bad for maia which is so unfortunate bc she’s literally the most emotionally unavailable person in the world, so he forgives her for being a spy. but maia goes off on a suicide mission to get everyone into the valley. until big surprise cal brings the shadows to help i genuinely don’t remember what happened in this part of the finale i’m sorry i just know everyone...somehow ended up in the valley...and the shadows...did things... ALAS, ella has had enough with maia’s bullshit & blames her for peter’s death. so she shoots maia, bc as previously mentioned: ella is a crazy bitch. everybody shoots maia, that should actually be the name of the sitcom. but cal jumps in front her & takes the bullet himself. alex mr. coldhearted kills ella. naturally. bc we love angst. and like you don’t come back from shooting the boss, so um rip.

bby boy lives he was supposed to die but i got attached and just could not bring myself to kill him so i killed ella & peter instead & the remaining inner circle decide to make maia a shadow & kenna gives her a bomb ass stiletto knife tattoo overlaid with the virgo constellation bc maia is a space hoe

and that’s what you missed on glee

[kiss-my-freckle]

Keen vs. Bond

Liz’s feelings about Tom being a spy. 

This is sure to be a bit lengthy, as I’ll be weaving in and out of both deleted and on-screen scenes, and including random & not-so random images as I go.

Because body language is important.

Liz speaks to us in the pilot about her plans to rewrite the past by having kids of her own. Something I believe she was having second thoughts about before the helicopter even flew over her front steps. Given Red didn't know Owen Mallory's story, I'd say Liz came to the decision not to adopt on her own. Because kids shouldn't be used to rewrite the past just as much as they shouldn't be used to smile for a couple's Christmas card.

"I’m board certified in forensic psychology, and yet I operate under the delusion that I can rewrite my past by having kids of my own."

I wouldn't so much consider Liz's rewriting her past through Agnes as much as she's trying to give her a life different than her own. With little to no memory of her own past, Liz takes video footage of Agnes in their safehouse, of Baz waving a big smiling hello. A bit of memory that her daughter will one day be able to see for herself, a memory that won't be hidden in her subconscious because it was blocked.

"If I go through with this, you will be my only link to my past. I lost Sam. I lost my mother. And I’ll lose Kirk. And whatever you want to call him, he was married to my mother. He raised me as a child. And he’s willing to do what you are not- tell me about who I am."

Just as much, Liz plans to give her daughter what she didn't have. Growing up as an adopted child, not knowing the truth of her parents. She wants to give Agnes a family, moreso- two parents who love one another. So Liz pushes for a shotgun wedding, hoping to be married before Agnes is born. Though she wants it done fast, she wants it done right, and in her mind- this is right.

"I am attempting to build a life with the father of my child. A normal life with two parents who love one another. With everything you know about me, can’t you see that? Can’t you see how important that is to me? To my child?"

Liz also wants a normal life for her and Agnes, something spoken of often in this show, but more notably in The Djinn. Because having your mother killing a spy in your own kitchen while you're asleep upstairs isn't what anyone would consider normal.

"It’s been the same thing for as long as I can remember. I’m walking in a park with my husband. In between us is our little girl. I’m holding her hand in mine... and I never let go."

I'm just gonna jump ahead to season three, since that's where it really starts for this particular post. Even better, let's start with the fact that Liz fell in love with Tom Keen, a man that never even existed, as Red stated in The Pavlovich Brothers and Liz stated in Lord Baltimore.

Liz: He’s gone. My husband is gone. Red: Your husband never existed.

Attorney: The judge signed it. May be of little solace, but he granted your application for the annulment. As far as the District of Columbia is concerned, you were never married to Thomas Keen. It’s none of my business, but I noticed you’re keeping his name. Liz: My husband - was an impostor, a fake. Keen was never his name.

Liz never fell in love with Tom Bond, and Tom knows this. Looking at his proposal in Mr. Gregory Devry, and his choice to look for a teaching job in The Vehm was a huge indicator. Tom was trying to become the man that Liz did fall in love with. 

Tom: I got to check out the campus in uh, Boston, so I’ll clean this up before I go. Liz:  Okay. A teacher? Tom: There was a lot about our old life that I really liked, including you.

Before their wedding, he spoke of giving up the spy life, adding to this goal of his, to become the man that she fell in love with.

"Look, what I want you to know, is that it happened because I made it clear that I’m out. I’m done with those people and that life."

Always claiming to want that normal life, which Tom started speaking of back in Leonard Caul's episode. Again, adding to his goal of becoming the man Liz fell in love with, wanting that normal life just as Liz wants.  

Liz: I thought you’d be gone. Tom: That was the plan. Then I thought maybe if I stayed, I’d have a shot at a normal life.

Liz never did fall in love with Tom Bond, but I believe she expected Tom to change, to give up that life because he fed her his desire to do that throughout the show. And so... I feel she was looking forward to actually having Tom Keen in her life without that other part of him- the Tom Bond who tore her open.  

His little spiel in Natalie Luca-

Liz: I know this family is the most important thing to you. But it’s not gonna work if you can’t be who you are. I guess... I’m just scared. Tom: Of what? Liz: I’m not gonna love that person. Tom: Do you love me? Liz: Yes. Tom: Then you love that person. Because that’s who I am.

So after having sold her the fantasy that she’d be in a relationship with Tom Keen without the Tom Bond- as he claimed he’d give up “that life” many times, he's basically telling her that if she loves him, then she loves Tom Bond because that's who he is. Tom has gotta be kidding with this bullshit. It could pertain to any bit of who a person is, whether they be a spy or a serial killer, or a racist for that matter. If one claims it's a part of who they are and you're supposed to love that side of them because you love them... that's ignorant thinking. This was a closet-spy she didn’t fall in love with, who sold her the idea that he’d change but never did, and is now telling her that she loves the spy he is if she loves him.

Nonsense. 

Liz fell in love with a 4th grade teacher, which Tom is not.

“They made me believe you were a monster.”

“Tom teaches 4th grade. He’s overworked and underpaid and still wakes up every morning with a smile on his face. You know why? Because he knows nothing of the terrible world you and I live in. End of story.”

"The Neo-Nazi? ‘Cause that doesn’t really do it for me."

"I prefer the bookish teacher."

"When was this? When you were a skinhead? One of Berlin’s thugs? ‘Cause I’m guessing it wasn’t an elementary-school teacher."

I'm cracking up laughing at how people have interpreted the deleted scenes, so I'm gonna get to them now as I move along. I'll be adding that deleted scene I put to gif from season three while I'm at it.  And it's not just the deleted scenes, but the "warnings" Red gave Liz, both in season three and season four.  Even to some of the dialogue out of Liz's own mouth. Because every bit of it weaves through everything I've mentioned above. Specific to Red's warnings in Drexel, before the wedding in Mr. Solomon, as well as what he said in Natalie Luca. As I've said many times, Red is not and will not be wrong about Tom. When they hand you this much crap in deleted scenes as they do on-screen scenes, you gotta know what's coming.

From Drexel-

Liz: Don’t you get it? The only reason Tom did what he did is because he had to do something desperate to get away from this. Red: You made yourself clear this morning, Elizabeth. You can blame me if you like. Liz: Damn right, I blame you. If he dies... Red: If he dies, it’s because he put himself in exactly the wrong place at exactly the wrong time. He did this, not me. And that robbery the police want to ask him about- diamonds. He was part of a team that stole tens of millions of dollars’ worth of diamonds. A team I hear included his ex-girlfriend Gina Zanetakos. He’s reckless, dangerous. He’s not worthy of being your husband, and he sure as hell is not worthy of raising that child.

Here, Liz tried to blame Red for Tom's situation. If he dies, it's Red's fault for Tom attempting to get away from him. Similar to her blaming Red in Natalie Luca. Because apparently, everything is Red's fault. So, to that deleted scene in season three-

"But, you're an adult, so make your own choices."

From Mr. Solomon-

Red: No, Lizzy. I’m here to ask you, to implore you, please, don’t do this. I’m telling you, no matter what you believe, Tom is not the man you think he is. Liz: You’re wrong. You don’t know him. Red: He’s a criminal. Liz: No. He’s changed. Red: Men like Tom don’t change. You’re attempting to build a life with a man who is fundamentally dishonest.

And I'm cracking up laughing at this one. So apparently, Tom is no longer a criminal- even though he just committed a major diamond heist a couple episodes prior, and had the cops at his hospital bed, hoping to put him behind bars after his release.

The Forecaster-

"This is exactly where they belong."

Coming from the same woman who said, "They’re not just passports. You put them in a box under the floor in our home. They represent everything I’m trying to forget."

"David… Lucas, and… Kaya. I used to be scared of those guys. Not anymore."

Coming from the same woman who had a nightmare about her own husband choking her to death in The Courier.

From Natalie Luca-

Liz: You know, Tom and I were just starting to find some semblance of normalcy. And you had to just sweep in, drag him back down your rabbit hole. There must be dozens of contract operatives just like him. Why him? Red: Tom is very good at what he does. It defines him. He can no sooner choose to stop than a great white shark can choose to stop swimming and eating. He will do what he does.

Again, Liz blaming Red. But as I've said, he's right about Tom. The man is a spy, and I don't need to put the many scenes in here that feed it, since he admits it to Liz himself- how much he needs to be a spy. What's more interesting, is Liz's dialogue here, so I'll be coming back to this bit.

Liz: How’d it go? Tom: Honestly, it was great. I was thinking about what you said, about why I needed that. Truth is, I still don’t know. But what I do know, is that this family’s the most important thing in my life. I don’t wanna lose it. Liz: We just arrested a woman who would’ve done anything to stay with the person she loved, but she lost him anyway. Tom: I’m not going anywhere. Liz: That’s not what I meant. From the beginning, we’ve been fighting secrets and agendas and psychotic homicidal killers coming between us. And for the first time, we’re together, and we’ve got no one to fight. But it still feels- Tom: Like we’re coming apart? Liz: I know this family is the most important thing to you. But it’s not gonna work if you can’t be who you are.

Yeah, it's coming apart because Liz never fell in love with Tom Bond. 

Deleted scene from season three-

Tom: I can do this! Red: Do what? Complete this mission and come back alive? Maybe you can, maybe you can't. Or do you mean- Complete this mission alive, come back and raise your daughter as if you're a real parent? Her only parent. Because that, I know you can't do.

My interpretation of this scene is simple. Red is flat out insulting Tom, telling him he's not a real parent, that he's no Sam Milhoan. He can't complete this mission alive, come back and raise his daughter as if he's a real parent because... well... the spy life defines him. Once he finishes one job, he goes out looking for another. It's what he does.

“I've always found it enormously empowering, the knowledge that whatever path I chose, it didn't really matter where it led, and it didn't really matter if I ever came back. You don't have that power. You have a child. But, you're an adult, so make your own choices. Just know, that if you're gone, I'll be watching your daughter.”

My interpretation for this one. Red speaks of it not mattering in his case because his daughter was being raised by Sam Milhoan. He didn't have to worry about Liz because he trusted the man raising her. But for Tom, it's different. Red isn't ignorant to his feelings of him, so he tells him that if he's gone, he'll be watching Agnes.

Deleted scene from season four-

Tom: So, you work with him, but I can't? Liz: It isn't the same, and you know it. Tom: No, I don't know that. Liz: The work I do with Reddington is... legal. It's part of my job at the FBI. What he's asking you to do is against the law. Tom: Liz, he's asking me to find a criminal, alright? He asks you to find criminals all the time. Liz: If you go through with this, you'll go to jail. Is that a risk you're willing to take? Tom: Liz, I love our daughter. And I love you. But this is what I do. And I'm good at it, and I love that too. Besides, you're the only adult I've spoken to in the past two weeks.... besides the Diaper Genie, and he's kind of stiff. Liz: It isn't funny. Tom: I can sing "Wheels on the Bus" backwards. Okay? The driver goes "Move on back." The people go up and down. The babies go "Wah, wah, wah." And it's just... it's not good for anybody's mental health. Liz, I need to do this. And I'm asking you to respect that.

Here, Tom speaks as if he needs the spy life in order to have a real life, in order to spend time with adults other than the Diaper Genie. As if normal grown adults don't hang out with other normal grown adults. Apparently, one has to be out committing criminal acts or playing spy in order to have conversations with other grown adults. And I'm laughing at this idea people have that the only issue Liz has with Tom being a spy, is in the legalities of it. If it were that simple, then she could simply talk to Cooper about using him as a CI like Red is, but she doesn't because that's only part of it. But I'll get back to the legalities of this once I hit the next scene. And Tom, lmao... he's telling a clinical psychologist what's bad for one's mental health, as if she doesn't know about this herself. But what a fun time Tom is having trying to manipulate Liz into agreeing and accepting his spy life.

Deleted scene from season four-

Tom: The truth is... it felt good. I felt... useful again. Liz: You don't think you're useful? To our family? To our daughter? Tom: I thought we were gonna get away. From Reddington, from all of this, and we.... we didn't. And that's fine, but... now we're living in this world where there's room for Mr. Mom, but not for me. Liz: That's not fair. Tom: Maybe not, but it's how I feel.

This scene bothers me. Truth is, if being a spy is part of who he is, then it wouldn't matter if Red is in their lives or not. Had they made it in Cuba without issue, he'd be a spy in Cuba right now. Sure, Tom is pissed that they never got away from Red, but he's fine with it now because it gives him an excuse. So yeah.. he's pushing this... "you work with him, so I should be able to work with him" crap. Tom can't stand being near the life without being in it. It's like a drug addict trying to go clean while being surrounded by drug addicts who aren't. Oh, look... he’s walking away from her as he did back in season one, when she changed her mind about the adoption. Tom’s response when he doesn’t get the response he wants. 

And even more to this scene, since it adds to the legalities of the previous one.

"Against the law" means it's a criminal act. "Going to jail" happens when one commits a criminal act. This is what Tom wants to do for Red, what he's begging Liz to respect. Here, Tom is committing a criminal act. Again, pointing to the truth Red gave Liz before the wedding, since viewers are a lot like Liz- they have a hard time accepting truth. 

Red: He’s a criminal. Liz: No. He’s changed. Red: Men like Tom don’t change. You’re attempting to build a life with a man who is fundamentally dishonest.

Red proving himself right about Tom over and over and over in deleted scene and on-screen.  

Back to Liz’s Djinn fantasy-

In season three, we had Tom pulling a diamond heist that almost got him killed, and would've put him in prison had it not been for Red.

Again, Red’s dialogue from the deleted scene-

“I've always found it enormously empowering, the knowledge that whatever path I chose, it didn't really matter where it led, and it didn't really matter if I ever came back. You don't have that power. You have a child. But, you're an adult, so make your own choices. Just know, that if you're gone, I'll be watching your daughter.”

Again, Liz's dialogue from the deleted scene-

"What he's asking you to do is against the law." "If you go through with this, you'll go to jail. Is that a risk you're willing to take?"

Tom felt the risk worth taking, as he went on his mission for Red in Natalie Luca. Tom got arrested for assaulting a drug dealer in the season four deleted scene.

Again, Liz’s own dialogue in Natalie Luca-

Liz: You know, Tom and I were just starting to find some semblance of normalcy. And you had to just sweep in, drag him back down your rabbit hole.

....where she’s basically saying it herself... that the spy life isn’t normal. 

Liz is at that point where she's realizing the truth of her relationship with Tom, of this "normal life" she believed she was going to have with him. In order to give Agnes two parents that love one another, she has to accept Tom being a spy. But to accept Tom being a spy, she has to accept the fact that she won't have her Djinn fantasy. As I've said before, she's sacrificing her Djinn fantasy because she can't have both. She can't have Tom Bond and that normal life. Not that having Tom Bond is going to give her that normal life anyway. She wants Agnes to grow up with two parents that love one another, and if she were to accept Tom's spy life, she'd be accepting the fact that Agnes' father could end up dead or in prison. So she wouldn’t just be sacrificing her own Djinn fantasy, she’d also be sacrificing the normal life she wanted for Agnes to grow up in... far different than her own. 

That’s truth. 

[mega-aggron]

1-56

here we go here we go satellite radio

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?nope2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?uHHHHHH i don’t really know anyone off the top of my head who’s recently hurt me bad enough to warrant this kind of question? but as far as “anyone” goes i’m pretty open to forgiveness just don’t expect me to pretend like it never happened3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”am i supposed to think of anything other than a cat? (i’m saying this because i definitely did not just think of “nyaa” and transitively to an anime girl with cat ears .-. i hate my brain)4: What’s something you really want right now?a job offer5: Are you afraid of falling in love?not really. i think it’s exciting more than anything but also idk when it’ll happen6: Do you like the beach?ye7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?uh not like laying down together but i’m sure i’ve fallen asleep sitting on a couch while someone else was also sitting on it8: What’s the background on your cell?for some reason i can’t put an image in here but here’s a link basically it’s slateport city art9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?whatuhmy bedjoey’s bedjared’s bedidk probably a hotel bed in seattle10: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?for the most part? i mean idk i never really had a super detailed plan for my life but i’ve stuck with my major and found/kept some great friends so i think things are going alright.11: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?mike, at work today actually12: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?UH they’re both very different kinds of hurt. physical is a lot more sharp and visceral and is usually over in a shorter amount of time. emotional pain has a tendency to just… keep dragging on which sucks, and can also be as uncomfortable as physical pain. i dunno which i’d say is worse.13: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?fuck i love both of themprobably zoo at the moment? i visited art museums a whole lot when i worked in dc just because they were close to my office but i haven’t gone to the zoo in a few years. but i really wouldn’t mind a trip to either.14: Are you tired?yes.15: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?is this like alphabetical or like “first chronological contact”alphabetical: about two years now! we live across the hall from each other and he’s one of my best friendschronological: 100% my mom so uh as long as i’ve existed16: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?not really. he and i weren’t really a good match. glad for the one month experience but uhhhhh no thanks lol17: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?it depends on how i “knew” i had the right person, and if they felt the same way. i’m usually much more of a planning person so that’d probably catch me off guard quite a bit. i don’t think i’m quite on board with same-day marriage but hey if we know we’re a match why not try a relationship first?18: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?zero19: Is there a certain quote you live by?not off the top of my head. just keep trying to make people’s lives easier and filled with joy.20: What’s on your mind?i’m tired, gay, and i really don’t want to do my homework. [edit 3 hours after i first answered, actually started my homework but now in a funk .-.] 21: Do you have any tattoos?nope! not opposed to the idea but i don’t know what i’d want! if/when i get one it’ll take a lot of thought22: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?hell if i know my dude23: Who are you texting?aforementioned mike about not being able to hang out tonight24: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?nothing super important. a couple times i had responsibilities that involved being in front of people and doing some coordinated stuff and fucked up and was like “knew it” but nothing too severe25: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?yes? my like closest closest friends (i.e. 3 people i can tell pretty much anything) are guys but i still have very close female friends26: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?not right now, i don’t think. .-. or if they do they’re hiding it pretty well.27: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?yep!28: Were you single on Valentines Day?every valentines day29: Has anyone upset you in the last week?not so much anyone as much as myself just being in a rather down in the dumps mood30: Have you ever cried over a text?not a “text” but facebook message yes, most notably when i was outed to some people back in high school before i’d told more than like 5 people and boy did i cry and have panic attacks from thatactually now that i think about it i got broken up over text, can’t remember if i cried from that or not31: Where’s your last bruise located?my left hand. not quite sure what i did there.32: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?hm… don’t know if i’ve felt that in a while33: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?talking to joey about android homework34: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?pfft no i just put copious amounts of hair product in and hope for the best35: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?probably not? it’s taken quite a while for my hair to grow this long ;-; plus i’ll have time to be bald when i’m much older. i’ll enjoy my hair while i’ve still got it36: Do you make supper for your family?i don’t live with them anymore so no 37: Does your bedroom have a door?yes38: Does anything on your body hurt?not physically39: Are goodbyes hard for you?sometimes? usually not too bad if i know i’ll see the other person again sometime soon. but one of my close friends is leaving for berlin at the end of this semester and then moving out to texas so i’m sure i’ll be a wreck once the time comes to say goodbye to him.40: How is your hair?…good? pink and brown and long enough to hit my mouth if i don’t keep it up with product oops. probably due for a trim soon but it’s cool having it as long as it’s ever been

41: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?a better emotional state, ha. in reality, not really.42: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?yeah. a couple actually.43: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?probably something about the cloud9 kongdoo vs. rx foxes game i was watching before falling asleep44: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?yeah, mostly on tests but also job interviews this year .-.45: How old will you be in 5 months?21, same as now46: Where is your Mum right now?at home, i presume?47: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?mm i don’t think so48: How many people have you liked in the past three months?either 0 or 1 because i’m bad at getting over people i’ve never dated and *finger guns* an incredibly inept person49: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?i sincerely doubt it.50: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?i’m *finger guns* an incredibly inept person(i don’t know how i feel about liking anyone right now!!!!)51: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?yes and i probably wouldn’t get into a relationship with them. it’s just something i really don’t want in a partner52: Who was your last received call from?deja vu, joey53: Have you ever trusted someone too much?man idfk i don’t think so? worst breach of trust was probably being outed to a few people back when i was very very much in the closet but even that wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been54: Do you get along with girls?the fuck kind of question is this?  yes?55: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?not as far as i’m aware. i’m still trying to see if i’m really holding any secrets or just working through some stuff but i think for the most part i’m pretty open with people.56: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?deja deja vu. yes, a few. i love them very much.

[titaniasfics]

Sense8 Character Appreciation Days - Wolfgang Bogdanow

Today is Wolfie’s day and while I tried to write something only about him, Kala showed up and wouldn’t leave. Typical.

So here’s my drabble for our favorite German sensate. A million thanks to @thegirlfromoverthepond , who is a Sense8 enthusiast and a phenomenal writer herself who lent me her beta super powers to make this drabble better. 

(Wonder what I’m doing here? Check out the Character Appreciation Days Post here and my post about it here).

Berlin

(In some future...)

Berlin is the greatest city in the world, in Wolfgang’s opinion. But the weather? The only place that has Berlin beat for sheer dreariness is London. Plus, London doesn’t exactly hold the best memories for him, so even if it were the fucking tropics, it would always be shit compared to Berlin. And right now, it’s raining frozen piss again.

He leans on the balcony railing, smoking his cigarette, ignoring the frigid droplets pattering against his naked skin. It’s a curse. As soon as the sun rises in the east, no matter what he’s been up to the night before, he’s awake with the dawn. It’s a stereotypical German thing, really. Frühe-auf-fucking-wachen. A whole nation trained to believe from when they were in the womb that you could lack every virtue in the world - could be a murderer or a mobster or a politician - but no matter who you are, your ass better be up with the cock’s-crow.

He glances reflexively over his shoulder, trying to see her through the fogged window pane of the balcony doors. He’d closed it when he stepped outside earlier - she hates the smell of cigarette smoke inside. And she most definitely doesn’t have the same problems with sleeping in late that he does. Elephants could stampede through the hotel they were staying in and they still wouldn’t be enough to wake her.

This is all her idea. She claims she wants to see Berlin, wants to understand his city. She’s in his head, in his memories, in his soul but she says it isn’t the same. She wants to experience Berlin for herself. But he knows she’s not being entirely truthful. He suspects her real reason for dragging them here - she knows he misses it - he can’t hide that from her. So she’s cooked up this excuse to get them here. Says they’re safe now, with Lila gone, with the new identities she arranged to have made, courtesy of Nomi’s tech magic. She begged him to do it for her, but they both know it’s really for him. He wants to see his city again. He wants to see Felix. The key shop. And he loves her for that.

So he thinks about her reaction as they walk down Unter den Linden to the Brandenburg Gate. He wonders what she will say if he brings her to the remains of the Wall. The first club he and Felix went to (under-aged, of course). The tiger enclosure at the Tiergarten where his mother took him, though it has since been remodeled. The Schlüsselfachgeschäft. Felix. All the scattered pieces of his upbringing, wrapped in cool rain and presented to her as an invitation. This is Berlin. These are my people. They will be yours too.

Her blurred outline through the window isn’t enough for him. He flicks the cigarette away as he steps through the door, careful that it not creak as he opens it to let himself inside. She is sprawled out on the bed as if she doesn’t have to share it with anyone, the blankets tangled around her legs. She’s a mess to sleep next to - a bed and blanket hogger. It’s a good thing that sleep is usually the last thing on his mind when they go to bed.

He crawls over the mattress, his sinking weight still insufficient to wake her until he is hovering over her. Her eyes flutter open - enormous, dark brown, and luminous even when bleary with sleep. She smiles - that same smile she always gives him as if she is just seeing him for the first time in a long while, though she now sleeps by his side each night.  He doesn’t let her speak but covers her mouth with a kiss before bringing his lips to her ear. He whispers a few sentences, watching her eyes widen.

“My god, that is the filthiest thing I’ve ever heard.” she says before she wraps her arms around his shoulder and pulls him down onto her. “You are a demon! Is that how you wish me a good morning?”

“It’s raining. You don’t want to go outside and get wet,” he says, his mouth leaving a trail of kisses over her shoulder.

“It’s always raining in Berlin,” she retorts, shoving him gently away from her. “And anyway, we have places to be.  You’ll not be wasting these days in bed, will you?”

“They wouldn’t be a waste,” he says but pushes off anyway. She’s right. He wants what he wants but what he really needs is to see his friend, show Kala what makes this place special, maybe make a second home for them here, eventually. They can’t go to Mumbai for now. Her ex-husband’s family were clear that they weren’t going to make it easy for her to come back. And her own family - they still need a little persuading that getting a divorce to be with a German ex-mobster isn’t the biggest mistake of her life. In some ways, he’d taken Bombay from her.

But they have Paris. And with some luck, Berlin could be theirs too.

As she swings her legs over the side to get ready, he catches her by the wrist. “By the way, thank you.”

“For what?”

“For this,” he indicates the room, the heavy, grey clouds, the sound of a polizei siren in the distance.   

She sits down on the mattress again, running her pretty fingers through his hair. “You would do it for me too, if you could.” She drops her hand to take his, tugging gently so that he might rise with her.

“Now come on. Berlin is waiting.”

[chaletnz]

Alternative Berlin

This morning didn't go exactly to plan... I had set my alarm for 8am so I could get up early and go out to the Charlottenburg Palace, then come back and enjoy my fancy breakfast. But instead I turned off my alarm when it went off and slept in until 10. The castle could wait! I eventually dragged myself out of bed and down to the breakfast restaurant where I was seated and started off with a cappuccino. My first course was some hashbrowns, bacon and a muffin. I washed it down with a tall glass of pineapple juice and then ordered my next dish from the kitchen which was French toast with maple syrup and jam. It turned out to be very small so I still had room for some traditional German dessert - apple strudel, some pineapple and mango slices and a yoghurt. I waddled back up to my room to shower and say goodbye to the comfort. After checking out I rushed myself to the East Side Gallery to join an alternative walking tour which I just managed to arrive in time for. The guide was a lovely girl called Daphna from Herzliya in Israel, she broke the ice by doing a round of introductions and then we crossed the Oberbaunbrücke bridge from East to West Berlin to begin our tour. Halfway across the bridge we paused at one of the many balconies on the bridge (this one flooded with water and/or pee and littered with cigarette butts) where we could see our first street art piece. A small portrait of a man and a woman on the wall of the bridge painted by Alice Pasquini from Rome that had been scribbled over on the edges. Daphna also pointed out a statue in the distance of what appeared to be two robots fighting but was in fact two people hugging. On the other side of the bridge we saw a large portrait by an Italian street artist known as BLU, the wall was a commissioned piece and he spent some time in the area to get a vibe for what to paint and he noticed how public land was being privatized by corporations so he painted his mural as all these workers being identical brainwashed cogs in a machine. It is a well regarded piece as he painted it in its entirety in less than a week. We saw a street pole with 9 months worth of posters wrapped around its base and Daphna explained that it's because the city has no money to clean it up and the responsibilities lie with building owners - which is why graffiti is rampant in Berlin. Just down the road from here is where a large squat used to be, a commune of people who were homeless or between homes. There used to be two more large art pieces by BLU on the brick wall behind it but unfortunately the squat was burned down, evacuated, red taped and never investigated or reopened. In its place apartments are due to be built and have been sold with the promise of famous street art in view. But BLU asked his friends to paint over the works to ensure they cannot profit from them after forcing people from their squat. Their revenge was painting a giant middle finger and profanities instead. Down a quieter residential street Daphna pointed out some potato characters that are everywhere throughout Berlin and mushrooms which are rumored to be drawn on special paper so that if you lick them you get high. We walked into a small park/playground with a large deep puddle that looked like one of those sinkhole puddles and here we saw quite a special work. It was painted high up in what appeared to be a rough paint job (it had been done with a roller on a stick from the ground apparently!) but once we all squinted our eyes we saw the immense detail come alive! The shading on the faces and clothing of the three boys in the painting was really something quite amazing to see on a ragged wall above a dirty park bench laden with a trio of homeless men and their trolleys. This artwork was all about reclaiming their city and occupying public land, however if caught graffitiing the artists face fines of a minimum of €500 as it is a vandalism charge to start and repeat offenders can face jail time. Daphna's neighbour went to prison for graffiti and said to her one day; "hey I'm renting my room on Air BnB while I'm in prison, can you take care of it and we can split profits?" Around the corner at a convenience store we bought some beers and Fritz colas and sat outside for a little break to discuss Israeli politics and life in Berlin. Back out on the street and we were shown some zebra illustrations drawn on paper and then glued to walls, the reason for this style is that if you're caught gluing paper up it is only prosecuted with a charge of unlawful advertising with a fine of €15 so many artists prefer to take the small risk and with the other benefit being they can create their pieces in the comfort of a studio somewhere. On a busy intersection with streets below and the U Bahn tracks above we were shown where a favourite German burger restaurant was- a place called Burgermeister located in a refurbished public toilet. On one of the side streets opposite we took a moment to check out a large wall piece painted by a pair of Brazilian twin brothers. As the story goes they were commissioned to paint the wall so both went to feel the energy of the wall, fell asleep, and woke up to sketch the exact same man who would become the subject of the work. They also painted an airplane for a Brazilian football team that was so popular it is now a regular carrier. As we were standing looking at the U Bahn anyway, Daphna decided to point out how the trains are always so clean despite Berlin being a bit dirty overall. The trains were seen as difficult to graffiti without being caught - until the group 1-Up decided to target the trains and trams to leave their name on. They strike together pulling the emergency stop, knowing they have three minutes until police arrive they then spend two minutes spraying their work before running off down the tracks. One of our last stops was the Lux Club which originally had a huge mural with the general theme of love by an artist called Oliver. In the dead of night someone had painted over it with the words "Go Die". Friends, artists and members of the public banded together for Oliver throwing a party with blaring music and a confetti cannon to make a new masterpiece in its place. We parted ways with Daphna's final tale about a poster in a cafe that said "Linda I love you, I'm sorry. Please take me back, I'll be here next Saturday waiting for you." Then a week later was replaced with "Linda I love you, if you can forgive me I'll be here next Saturday and Sunday waiting for you." The messages to Linda gradually got more and more desperate and pleading, and people started to write notes on napkins and stick them on the posters telling Linda that he was crazy and that she was right to leave him. Other men said, "Linda you must be great here's my number." Eventually they all stopped and disappeared but the public wondered what had become of Linda and her ex boyfriend until one day on local radio a man went on air and said "hi I'm Linda's ex, I was writing my thesis on how the people of Berlin would interact personally with street art and I passed so thank you all!" After the tour I went for a quick coffee at a specialty shop called 19 grams then I walked down the street only to randomly discover the Urban Spree art gallery and flea market. Plus tons of graffiti and street art, quirky shops and stalls and even the Berlin Skateboarding Open being held in the skatehaus. I browsed for an hour or so then began walking back to the hotel via the East Side Gallery until it started to rain quite heavily so I caught a bus the rest of the way back. I checked in and chilled waiting for the rain to stop then headed back out to Curry 36 for the typical Berlin currywurst sausage and chips. I browsed a few souvenir shops to get my usual collectible fridge magnet and also found the Ampelmann store - the Germans are so weird they are obsessed with the little red and green men that tell you when to cross the street so they dedicated a whole store to selling merchandise of him. You can even buy your own traffic light for at home! The sun was still out so I took the train to the Berliner Dom to see it in the evening light, then visited Mio for a little tub of ice cream for dessert before darkness set in.

[lesbianbruabba]

All of the questions 😈

Jokes on you bitch I have time since I’m waiting for drag race to air but oh my god this is gonna be long so i’ll pull an Iza and put it under a read more 

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

I don’t know

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Shy, even though I don’t feel like I am, people tell me I’m shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

My brother when he comes here oh my god. I miss him. I’m going to make him watch a couple crazy music videos and possibly scar him. 

@lettiehigh and @akakuro4869-blog and @rippling-waves when I get back to Hong Kong and Tiff and Bella and Karl and Ellie and Miss R and everyone else

@samrull and Lettie again and maybe @lecafenoirx if I go to Bristol in September to see flor

4. Are you easy to get along with?

I’d say so! Unless you give me a reason to dislike you lol

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

Probably but that’s a stupid question since I don’t drink :)

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Kind people. Usually more on the feminine side? Even the more muscular guys that I thirst after have a few feminine traits like a higher-pitched voice.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Nope, I’m going back to Hong Kong so there’s even less chance of me being in a relationship lol

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

Ryan Ross [insert tongue emoji]

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Nope. I’m usually way too open, quite a few of my friends are this way too. Literally one time my brother and I shared a hotel room and the first thing he said when my folks were out of earshot is complaining how he can’t jack off for a whole week (I asked him why he couldn’t do it in the shower, he said it was too much effort to do so standing up XD)

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Kasia or Iza about body image? define deep

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“Call him or dump his useless ass?” to Lettie

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Victorious by P!atD, Dodie Clark’s cover of Somebody Else by the 1975, I Need My Girl by the National, Pożyczony by Sylwia Grzeszczak and Honey by Kehlani

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Yeah! People at school used to love braiding my hair because it was so long. And I like playing with people’s hair, because I can French braid on others but I can’t do it with myself :/

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Sometimes?

15. What good thing happened this summer?

I’ll say last summer since it’s not quite summer yet now. Well, I was accepted into Edi, got a 38 on the IBDP which is not too bad, and celebrated my birthday with my squad (rip)

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Yep :)

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

I fkin hope not 

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

My first actual crush or like, elementary school crush? But no on both counts

19. Do you like bubble baths?

I’ve never had one :/ I’ve never had a ~bath~ tbh. I want to try in the summer because home in Hong Kong has a bathtub. 

20. Do you like your neighbors?

I like my flatmates here, we like the same kind of porn and vines. I don’t know my neighbors well enough back home

21. What are you bad habits?

I trust too easily, I am intelligent but lazy when it comes to schoolwork (I procrastinate), I worry way too fucking much about everything, I have crushes on people that I should NOT have crushes on sometimes (see: gay men)

22. Where would you like to travel?

I answered this a while back I think but as far as I could remember it’s a lot of european places - Oslo, Aarhus (I’m going to Copenhagen!!), Moscow, Tallinn, Berlin, Lublin, Warsaw, Kraków, Gdańsk, Lyon, Lisbon, Prague, honestly just count in every capital haha. I’m not good at geography. Also, Tasmania, Tokyo, Osaka (I’ve been twice but it’s. So good), London, Glasgow are all places I’d go again. 

23. Do you have trust issues?

With my mum yeah lmao

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Talking to my friends (basically everyone I’ve tagged up there I don’t have many friends lmao)

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

My thighs because they’re heavily scarred, my tummy because fat, double chin, face because weirdly big lips and weird shape and small eyes, honestly most of my body if I’m being honest, when I’m not corseted. 

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Go through tumblr, twitter, instagram, kik, snapchat, emails, facebook, usually in that order. And then maybe scroll a bit more through tumblr and drag myself awake. Brush teeth and drink juice for breakfast. 

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

My skin tone is fine. I’m kinda pale for a Chinese girl (according to others, but my skin’s gotten darker in recent years) so I sometimes have to use white people products. I only lighten my skin for doing goth-y makeup so in those instances i’d love to have lighter skin. (then again, I’m talking like...wallpaper white if possible pls)

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My friends and my brother. 

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

What exes lmao

30. Do you ever want to get married?

If it’s with the right person yeah. 

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

My hair is long enough for several pony tails

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Men - Jawn and Ryan Ross

Women - Stephanie Beatriz and Lynn Gunn

33. Spell your name with your chin

 cbhreusftjd

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Exactly - what sports?

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

Without TV. I can’t live without music. 

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Would’ve said yes up to this morning haha

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

So, do you know what a furry is?

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Emo, responsible, kind, good sense of humor, understanding, appreciates Ryan Ross, doesn’t mind me checking my phone a lot [insert date in Hong Kong meme]

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Damaged Society for band merch, Ann Summers for lingerie, various taobao shops for lolita fashion, Restyle for corsets

40. What do you want to do after high school?

Study linguistics at university. Hey! I’m doing that!

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

No but most people do

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

I don’t feel like talking/I’m depressed/I’m thinking

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Not like randomly?...

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

NEITHER I LIKE BEING SAFE OH MY GOD

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Brushing my teeth or needing to pee?

46. What are you paranoid about?

I’m paranoid that I won’t graduate uni, about not being able to find a job that I will be happy at (doesn’t have to be a dream job but I don’t want to work at something I hate like a factory), I’m paranoid that no one will ever love me esp. romantically, that my family will never accept me as a bisexual woman, that I won’t be able to migrate to the UK before I’m 30 or worse before China takes back Hong Kong in 2047 and I will be trapped in hellish censorship conservative society, that depression and anxiety will drive me to off myself before any of that could even happen

47. Have you ever been high?

Noooooooooo don’t do drugs :( I say, even though I am friends with a drug dealer lol

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Nope, alcohol tastes gross

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

Recently no. But like when I was a kid yeah

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Pink!

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Every day :/

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

I want to weigh 80lbs. It’s been this stupid ‘goal’ throughout teenagehood and I know it’s stupid and unhealthy but I really want to. I don’t care if I won’t have boobs. 

53. Favourite makeup brand?

Maybelline has good concealer

54. Favourite store?

Damaged Society

55. Favourite blog?

Can’t make me pick between these two 

56. Favourite colour?

Pink

57. Favourite food? 

Tiramisu and also siu mai but only the fish ones because they taste like garlic and also calbee chips, british junk food is garbage compared to the stuff we have in hong kong (they’ve got good sweets here though)

58. Last thing you ate?

Spaghetti carbonara

59. First thing you ate this morning?

I didn’t eat today till dinner which was spaghetti carbonara

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

I got first runner up in a nationwide comp for poetry. I wrote a depressing poem that ended up with my English teacher sending a concerned email to my folks lol

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

*gasp* I am a good student

62. Been arrested? For what?

Oh my god. I’m a good girl. I’m not with that kinda shit

63. Ever been in love? 

I have fallen in love but not like...reciprocated love, no

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

Ooh this is fun. He offered to be my first kiss and I said sure and we made out and it was nice and less scary than I thought but I forgot to close my eyes

65. Are you hungry right now?

No I had too much spaghetti :(((((

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

are you calling my tumblr friends fake

But no I love them all. Also given that half of my irl friends are on tumblr idk what to say lmao

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Facebook

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr is the MOST SUPERIOR SOCIAL MEDIA BECAUSE IT IS TRASH

69. Are you watching tv right now?

We’d need a TV license for that. and a TV. so no

I’ve got netflix

70. Names of your bestfriends?

Lettie, Chloe, Iza, Natalie, Daniel (my brother), Karl, Bella (but she’s mad at me so idk), there’s a couple of people who I consider close friends but idk if they’re okay with me calling them my best friends

71. Craving something? What?

A GETAWAY FROM THE SMOOTH TALK THAT’S KEEPING ME GROUNDED  TO THE CARPET IN MY ROOM MY QUIET BLUE TOMB OF YOU

72. What colour are your towels?

Both purple why

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

One. Or zero if I kick it to the floor by accident. I mostly hug it.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

No :(

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

zero. I have a stuffed L Lawliet from Death Note though. It’s a present for my mum when I get home. I’ve also got a few stuffies back home courtesy of Lettie and Bella

75. Favourite animal?

Humans but I like dogs and cats and rats are kinda cute too?

76. What colour is your underwear?

Right now it’s white but I’ve got beige and grey ones I’m kinda boring

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Coffee

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

White, my waterparks shirt :)

80. What colour pants?

Blue denim shorts

81. Favourite tv show?

Drag race, b99, the good place, parks and rec, ASOUE

82. Favourite movie?

Dzien Swira it’s funny and depressing

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Mean girls but i’ve not seen the second one

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Mean girls, idk what the other one is

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

The nice girl

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh idk...the blue fish? Ellen Degeneres? 

87. First person you talked to today?

Iza

88. Last person you talked to today?

Kasia

89. Name a person you hate?

Uhhhhhhhm Doanld Trump?

90. Name a person you love?

My brother he’s so smart and creative and sweet and makes the worst puns and he loves fall out boy and tries to be an edgelord and it’s super adorable so that’s great 

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

My feelings bc they dumb

92. In a fight with someone?

Kiiiiiiiinda? More like she’s mad at me and idk what to do about it because i refuse to go to fucking london with her because international plane tickets are expensive as heck and she wants me to go in the middle of summer when i’m home

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

easy, 0

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

A Lot. Like 10. 

95. Last movie you watched?

Dzien Swira

96. Favourite actress?

Sara Canning and Stephanie Beatriz make me v gay

97. Favourite actor?

Neil Patrick Harris because Count Olaf

98. Do you tan a lot?

No lmao

99. Have any pets?

m-my brother...?

100. How are you feeling?

Impatient because drag race hasn’t aired yet. Lonely because my favorite flatmate moved out and there’s no one to chat with me at 3am anymore. Frustrated because my crush-y feelings are being dumb. Sad because my mum is kiiiiiiiiiiiinda homophobic and I imagine myself getting married to a woman not a man (it’s more likely) so :/

101. Do you type fast?

68 WPM? Is that fast?

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

I regret a lot of things. But it’s okay I’ve not turned out too bad overall considering. I’m also glad I did a lot of things, so

103. Can you spell well?

I think so yeah

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Yes absolutely in particular one person because sometimes I regret things that I did with good intentions and never stop regretting :/

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

I’ve been to a campfire so kinda??

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

Nah

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Yes!! When I was a kid

108. What should you be doing?

It’s 1am so prolly sleeping but who has time for that amirite

109. Is something irritating you right now?

Yeah my mum. And my feelings

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Yes lmaoooooo don’t read me like this

111. Do you have trust issues?

This was a question up there. Why is it asked again. You’re making me have trust issues

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Ooh shit I don’t know I haven’t cried in front of people for a while mostly because I shut myself in my room but prolly my brother or my mum back home 

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Never had one (that I liked)

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

~that’s not a thing~ uwu

115. Do you play the Wii?

No my mum is against video games

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Yes I’m listening to Dear Uber Driver

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Never had it

118. Do you like Chinese food?

I like dim sum and egg tarts and a lot of HK street food so yes? 

119. Favourite book?

Suck Less by Willam

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Sometimes, but at other times it’s oddly comforting

121. Are you mean?

:o I am the least mean person to exist 

122. Is cheating ever okay?

No unless it’s in NTAL but even then it’s like hmmmm is it tho

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Lol no

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

I think it’s possible but unlikely

125. Do you believe in true love?

Yeah I’d like to

126. Are you currently bored?

No because this is keeping me entertained until I can watch drag race

127. What makes you happy?

Talking to my friends, sending them dumb tumblr shitposts, sending my brother disturbing gifs, getting weird gifs from Chloe, thirsting over Jawn with Iza, hearing that my friends are happy, reading and sharing poetry with friends, listening to music, playing the ukulele, eating junk food and watching b99, answering tumblr asks, writing poetry, drawing

128. Would you change your name?

I don’t like Christie so yes. Would change my Chinese name too it’s too annoying to write. 

129. What your zodiac sign?

Leo//rabbit

130. Do you like subway?

No :(

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Brenda, he’s gay. Very very very gay, think a 6 on the kinsey scale

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Again. this has been asked. What kinda unprofessionalism

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

I think with my heart and love with my head

134. Can you count to one million?

I mean...in theory yes but why would I do that 

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

I told my mum I was striaght lmao

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Closed. What the fuck

137. How tall are you?

5′2

138. Curly or Straight hair?

I have straight hair, I want wavy hair. Or bangs. 

139. Brunette or Blonde?

I have black hair. I tend to have blondes/general bright hair as a ‘type’ when it comes to romantic affection/crushes but it’s also not v accurate

also, I want pink hair. I had a dream where my brother loved MANIA so much he dyed his hair purple

140. Summer or Winter?

WINTER. BUT WITHOUT SNOW. Summer brings out my skin problems so I have a v valid reason to hate it. Also I’m fat so my thigh chafe in summer if I walk more than an hour

141. Night or Day?

I am usually, unfortuantely, only awake at night and like maybe late afternoon. 

142. Favourite month?

I don’t have one. December I guess bc it’s acceptable to play christmas music. or June bc pride month

143. Are you a vegetarian?

Nope. I don’t love meat though. 

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

Milk. With sea salt and caramel. I’m a classy hoe

145. Tea or Coffee?

Coffee. Either iced americano or some sweet frappe shit

146. Was today a good day?

Today was a very good day. I told my crush I liked her, slept away most of the day, watched a lot of brooklyn nine-nine and listened to Dodie while doing German and Polish on duolingo and I read Chloe’s poetry and it was very good. Link here. And Kasia gave me lots of good song recs. And drag race is up soon (it’s technically tomorrow but whatever). 

147. Mars or Snickers?

I can’t pick because Snickers has such a great texture, but also mars bars has the perfect nougat to caramel to chocolate ratio? Probably mars wins out by a bit

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“Hewwo” - Aquaria, RuPaul’s Drag Race

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

I’d like to think souls can see what we’re doing after they pass away.

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“Adjective opposites and their comparatives” from a Polish grammar book.

Thank you for this long ass ask 

drag race still hasn’t fucking aired so i’m gonna watch more b99 and drink fanta

[jacewilliams1]

That magical age: a pilot’s 40-year journey from Cessna to Airbus

My Dad turned 65 recently, and as with so many of his peers, this year means mandatory retirement from a 26-year airline career. While for him it’s a singularly pivotal and more-bitter-than-sweet event, his retirement also represents a journey that began with a Cessna and ended with an Airbus, in what has become a massive wave of his peers with remarkably similar stories of GA roots, turbulence in an industry, and a magical age of forced retirement.

I majored in history, so pouring over the stack of Dad’s logbooks is like a treasure trove to me, their value to me about equal to that which a complete set of logs adds to a nice Cub. They tell a story (you do put notes in your logbook, don’t you?), one that catalogs a broader aviation career that includes nine type ratings and over 30,000 hours in over 50 models of aircraft spanning more than 40 years. His story also encapsulates the pilot stories of so many of his sexagenarian colleagues, one full of mergers, bankruptcy, heat, cold, cranky passengers, and the aftermath of 9/11, while at the end of each day the satisfaction of being in the cockpit, flying the line, and doing what he set out to do in 1969. It’s a story that will resonate with all of us who have yearned to fly and have sacrificed, often much, to realize the dream.

Aviation blood courses through my veins. I swear it’s genetic. I remember my grandpa, born in 1919, telling me he always wanted to be a pilot, but he was a farmer’s kid and it was just too expensive. His farm deferral from the draft in 1940 certainly kept him out of the war but also kept him from getting into that career as a young man. Stubborn as he was, however, shortly before he retired after 40 years as a carpenter, he earned his private pilot’s license. He never lost the dream.

It all started here, as it does for every pilot.

My dad, meanwhile, was flying his tail off. After he graduated from high school in 1969, he mowed lawns for two years to pay his way through his flight training. He was horribly allergic to the grass he was cutting, but persisted through the swollen face and hands and took his first flight on January 3, 1969 at Sawyer Aviation at KPHX. The logbooks indicate that there were the same financially-related fits and starts many of us had when we first began, but set on a goal, he was earning money as a CFI by February 1975.

Dad’s logbooks tell the classic story of the difficulty of “making it” as an airline pilot. There’s the 3,000 hours – an entire logbook filled from his days as a CFI – of dual given and another thousand flying charters over six years at Sawyer before he ever got a corporate gig. Even while he was teaching students, he was still a student himself, earning his MEI, ATP, and even his private pilot glider rating, all within one marathon week in ’75. He usually annotated the good and bad students, and it’s funny how many of those names I now know as his fellow airline buddies at Southwest, FedEx, and others. I suspect those were the good ones. Apparently the bad ones were really bad: there is a rather terse note meant as a legal disclaimer, disavowing a student of his who was flying solo without his authorization.

From his time at Sawyer, stories of the more unusual folks in the aviation world emerge. There was the guy who paid Dad to fly his pressurized Baron (“that thing was the biggest piece of junk,” he always said) because, well, this guy just wasn’t a good pilot. Dad would have never signed off on a multi-engine checkride. Worse he – let’s call him “Dave” – had financed it against his kids’ inheritance, proving his parents prescient in skipping a generation. Dave loved to impress the ladies, so one day he rented a car and swore that he could beat my Dad in the Baron on a one-hour flight that would ordinarily take a car at least two. Dad was charged with the both the Baron and Dave’s girlfriend, and knowing he’d win handily, took his time doing a leisurely preflight and departed in no hurry whatsoever. Not too long after Dad landed, Dave came tearing into the parking lot, leaving a trail of fluid and dragging parts and proceeded to chew out the rental car company for giving him a crappy car. You get all kinds in this business.

There’s another terse entry from 1979: to keep building that multi time, Dad took a job with the upstart Cochise Airlines flying a Cessna 402 between Phoenix and Tucson. He had begun when the airline held great promise, but it faltered and collapsed under poor management (and probably lack of air conditioning) as many before and after. Dad barely beat the bankruptcy lawyers to the punch on that one.

Oh, and this career path brought my parents together. Sawyer and a local hospital had begun the first civilian air evac service in the U.S. My mom was one of its first nurses. Dad recalls working up the nerve to ask Mom out for four years. For her part, Mom swears she never even saw him until just before he asked her out for ice cream, you know, so if he didn’t actually like her he wouldn’t be out too much cash. I for one am glad there was a second date. Even the nuptials were done in proper aviation fashion: Dad rented a 310 and flew Mom to Vegas with the best man (the aforementioned student-cum-Southwest pilot) and maid of honor. Weirdly, Dad didn’t log that trip, but Mom did make her first appearance in his logbook a few weeks later.

I am an Air Force C-130 pilot by trade, and as a student of history, I was enormously jealous when I saw some DC-3 time in Dad’s logbook, a brief stint at a cargo operation out of Dallas. Airlift hero of the Hump, Operation Neptune, and the Berlin Airlift, the venerable C-47 continues, 70 years later, to operate (fitted these days with turboprops) in cargo and missionary work around the world. One can even pay as much as $18,000 for a DC-3 type rating from an operation in Georgia. It almost seems worth it.

But then Dad started moving up in the business, and he flew corporate for several years, first in a Gulfstream 159 and finally in a Citation 650. It is here that I have first evidence of my aviation immersion: Dad holding my one-year-old self on the steps of that beautiful turboprop. Confirming what I’ve always known about being the favorite son, there was a ten-day break from flying after my brother was born; for me, six weeks.

An overnight success, 40 years in the making.

Then in 1989 Dad went to work for another new airline, this time for America West Airlines flying the Dash 8. I remember the company picnic and touring one of its 747s, and indeed, it was probably these “excesses” that landed AWA in bankruptcy just two years later. I never caught wind as a kid, but it must be pretty scary to be the new guy at a new airline going through Chapter 11. But he wasn’t furloughed, and, as part of the restructuring, he started flying the 737, then the 757, and finally the Airbus 320, where he stayed to the end.

He got home from a trip at 0200 on 9/11 and thankfully was senior enough to survive the fallout from that date, the merger with U.S. Airways, the Great Recession, and still another merger with American in 2012. In one decade the biggest names like Pan Am, Eastern, Continental, and TWA were going under, and in another thousands were furloughed and things looked pretty bleak. From AWA to USAir to AA, after all those bankruptcies and mergers Dad’s three-airline story seems common among his peers in the twilight of their airline careers. What is uncommon is how fortunate he was when so many others were rather more unlucky amid all of that upheaval. Dad never got hosed in an era when many did, or as he says, “they’ve never missed a paycheck.” Indeed.

The logbooks also include a fun grab-bag of other notes demarcating big events to a pilot filling out his logs. A demo flight for Mario Andretti. The first simulator checkride, in a Citation 650. “Shuttle explosion,” 1/28/86. “KNS660 install,” laughably archaic now but really fancy stuff in 1987. The summary tally of milestones – “1000 hours in Citation 500/550” or “5000 MEL time.” The captain who assumed the persona – including legal name change – of a certain Gone with the Wind character. Captain upgrade in 1997, where the logbooks end in favor of scattered flight crew logbooks. No real need to keep logging time at that point, I guess.

Dad asked me recently if I remember him being gone more or home more. Are you ready? I feel like he was home all the time. Other airline pilots’ kids I know have different recollections, it’s true, but it speaks to the benefits of living at one’s domicile rather than commuting. He was there for my basketball games. He was there for my brother’s football games. Heck, he even came to our practices. And you can be damn sure he bid off for when I got my pilot’s license. Because he could.

Growing up, I always got the impression that the ex-military guys flying with my Dad had had it easy. Dad would acknowledge that it’s a wise way to go, and after reviewing his seven logbooks I get a sense of the hard slog that civilian pilots go through to get those precious hours that we military flyers get almost de facto. We sacrifice in other ways, but getting turbine time usually isn’t one of them.

So here’s to you, Dad, for a hard-earned, well-deserved, long, and storied career. Here’s also to the wave of guys and gals retiring in the next few years. I hope to take your place one day.

The post That magical age: a pilot’s 40-year journey from Cessna to Airbus appeared first on Air Facts Journal.

from Engineering Blog https://airfactsjournal.com/2018/05/that-magical-age-a-pilots-40-year-journey-from-cessna-to-airbus/