#now my brain is obsessing over different interactive experiences you could have with doctor who characters

[thewritingof-therose]

Hi! Last week, with the publishing of the 20th chapter of Hasard, I reached the 100 kudos on the fic, so to celebrate it, here’s some kind of bonus chapter where I talk a little about the conception of the story, along with comments about each chapters. 

Enjoy!

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So… 20 chapters and 100 kudos already. To be honest, by the time I started imagining this story, I wasn’t really expecting to be able to celebrate that milestone of kudo on a single fic and even if I already celebrated the 2000 kudos in general this year, if we make a quick calcul based on the numbers of kudos and all the fics I’ve published, at the time I’m writing those words, it’s the same that if each one of my fic had only 20 kudos… So yeah, finally reaching the hundred on a single one makes me so happy \o/

Anyway, here’s some trivia and fun facts about Hasard and the first twenty chapters of the story.

First of all, some history:

I had the idea for Hasard in May 2018 as I was watching the tv show Lucifer (I am not up to date with it, please don’t try to spoil me this show ^^’) and I imagined one scene that just… shaped the entire story and it took me less than a few hours to know that I would write it. Even if I wasn’t sure how long it would be and that there had been some changes. And no, I won’t tell what scene kickstarted it all because she still has to come and it could be quite a huge spoiler. 

Following it, my brain quickly went into developing the full story and a few things changed. On the top of my head, I can say that Maiev was meant to be more on her own, almost a complete independent Hunter that would have also been resented by the other Hunters, along with a way more black and white view of the demons. She was meant to be more aggressive against all demons and really thinking that they all deserved to die, but I softened that side of her as I shifted the world building with the presence of hybrids. 

At first, the hybrids were meant to be a really rare kind and I wanted to keep that status for a few select characters because it could have brought some really good story for them. Then, as I kept working on the worldbuilding, I came to the idea that actually, hybrids were extremely common, but at the same time, the demon’s presence was still a secret from most of the world because most hybrids started centuries ago and their blood and physical attributions were weakening the more they were reproducing. So, about 80% of the world is made of hybrids of all kinds of generation (who is my way of scaling the demonic influence on their life) and the 20% left is shared with the full demons and full humans. 

Full demons are simply people who don't have a single drop of human blood in them. Usually, they are born from two other full demon parents or they just appeared like that (that’s the mytho). They are extremely powerful and good magic users, but now, they are rare. It was easier to be a full demon millenia ago when they ruled over the world and the few that are left in the current world of Hasard, survived either by hiding really well, manipulating their way to stay alive, or simply because they accepted to work with the humans and they went on. 

My best example of a full demon is Velen. 

The full humans, are the humans who either had never gotten a single drop of demon’s blood in their bloodlines, either they purged the bloodline after making sure that there had been at least 10 generations since the last time a hybrid was born (technically, every child following it would be considered as an hybrid, but the other parent would be a full human to weaken the demon’s blood which each new generation). Full humans are rarer than full demons and they tend to be bad news as almost all of them are associated with the Priesthood (who’ll get some more explanation later.)

I haven’t presented yet one of them to give an example, but one is ready to show up in the Second arc of the story. Won’t say who to not spoil the surprise x)

As for hybrids, there are two kinds. The one born from a demon and a human, and or hybrids (two hybrids will keep creating hybrids and technically, as long as one of the parents has human blood, the bloodline will stay a hybrid one). And the second one hadn’t been introduced yet. We have characters that are that kind, but it’s some worldbuilding elements that will show up later and so, I'll keep it to myself for now. Feel free to theorize though! And usually, most hybrids will simply call themselves demons instead of showing signs of weaknesses by not being a full one.

For the title of the story, it had been extremely hard for me to find one. Ever since I started preparing everything, it had a codename and it was “Modern AU” and it stayed like that until the very minute of the publishing of the first chapter. I was already going towards “Le Hasard Fait Bien Les Choses” but I was bothered because it was French, and no matter what, I couldn’t find a good English idiom that would have all the nuances of the French one. The only thing that comes close to it would be “Fate is a funny thing” and yet, I’m not entirely satisfied with it. So, after a long debate with myself and help from other people, I came to the conclusion that I had to keep the French title if I wanted to be happy with it. 

It might not help much to get people interested, and I’m considering adding “Fate is a Funny Thing” after it but I’m debating it.

I think that's already a lot, so let's move to the trivia per chapters:

A Muffled Shout In The Night

Oh boy, first chapter! I was so excited to finally start the story but I was also really stressed. I tried to give away a quick summary of how the universe was working, along with my two main characters + showing up the first supportive characters towards Maiev. Trying to present all the cast (so adding Illidari and more about Illidan) right in that chapter wouldn't have really worked so, instead, I went to show that a more "Legion-y" timeline could be expected thanks to Khadgar and Velen's presence in the chapter. 

I kinda hope that I succeeded to already show Maiev's obsession towards the Betrayer through her first lines.

Though I will be one hundred percent honest with you. The end of the chapter with Illidan running away, don't expect much from that interaction. I kind of always forget about it unless I'm reading back the chapter… I only needed a reason for them to stop fighting and the chapter to carry on.

But who knows, maybe I'll tie it to something one day.

Two Black Coffees And A Meeting, Please

When writing it, I always knew that Drelanim was on the other side of the call (or at least another Hunter) but as I read the moment a few times, I realized that I could have gone for a completely different way. One that would have probably surprised everyone.

But yeah, in another universe, it's Illidan who calls Maiev because he's in front of her place as they decided to meet for breakfast there. It would have been quite nice and unexpected for the story, especially that Illidan would have gotten right away the reveal that Maiev was actually the Warden as she would have complained about the wounds of the night. 

In the end, I went on with my first idea and made them meet for good in the chapter.

And, like with the first chapter… the "current problem" that he talks about to Kor'vas went nowhere… I'll more than probably get him to acknowledge some uninteresting side story for it at some point.

Memories Of A Rainy Day That Will Never Be Forgotten

For that one, one word: Ouch.

By the time I started to write this chapter, I was also preparing the Advent Calendar of 2019 and I had decided on telling Naisha's story, and I had to realize that I still had to foreshadow some elements from it to make it work. Of course, the title is fully referencing the day she died and the demon that Maiev killed right at the beginning of the chapter was similar to Naisha, putting Maiev in a stabbing mood. And it led us to another necessary addition for the Calendar's chapter: Malfurion.

(I'm also wondering how many people guessed right away that Malfurion was the one Illidan was calling…)

Brother, My Brother, Tell Me What We're Fighting For? 

Even if Malfurion had more of a cameo than anything in the Calendar's story, I felt the need to introduce him to put the bases of the twins' relationship. I always knew that he was a doctor and that he was mostly helping Illidan when he was getting in trouble, and as their backstory is different from WoW and that they are both demons, I didn't want to go on the canon path for them. 

I cannot tell much about it because we'll get fast to their backstory (Second arc) but here, Illidan and Malfurion mostly grew up in a world where it was them against the rest of the world. They were born during the glorious days when demons ruled the world and they saw it change through the millennia that followed. After everything, they would be devastated to lose the other and suddenly be the only one left. This is why they are way closer than they could ever be in canon (and also Tyrande isn't part of their backstory so it helped them keep a good relationship). Sometimes, they part ways for a few decades. Malfurion goes back to medical school somewhere and makes sure that he's up to date for it, or Illidan just moves with his clan to experience new things. But they stay in contact and always come back in proximity of one another.

The end of the chapter was my obligatory "shock reveal/cliffhangers" before a break. But well, I wanted to keep the Legion's existence in my sleeve for a little longer, but I realized that it would allow me to make them into a concrete threat as the story will progress + allowing Illidan and, mostly, the Illidari to be a little more presents into the story.

Actually, the chapter's name comes from a song from the occidental version of the first Pokemon movie. It's a line from the song that plays when the Pokemon and their clone fights, and i used it mostly for the brother's mentions and because it would totally be a thing said by one of the twins in their past…

A Flower Arrangement Made With Your Face In Mind

At that time, I wanted to make a chapter to develop a little more the supporting characters of the cast, and as I was taking back the writing of the fic after a four or five months break, I thought it would be nice. 

So, we got a little side dish of Illidari for it and that’s pretty much the only chapter (until now) where Illidan or Maiev barely appears in it. Yet, I threw some worldbuilding and foreshadowing in it and I still like it, so it isn’t really a filler.

I’ll probably do more chapters like that in the future, but I’ll see with the pacing of the story.

Willingly Accepting Your Death Isn't As Easy As I Thought

I don’t have much to say about this chapter. I still really like it and especially Maiev and Velen’s interaction. 

Along with showing that we were far from a potential romantic relationship, at least on Maiev’s side x)

A Laugh That Will Echo Through The Ages

Oh my God, that chapter! I could probably talk about it for hours but we would quickly reach the spoiler territory so I’ll see what I can tell without shooting myself in the foot.

I loved giving Khadgar some more identity and I like his relationship with Maiev. In the story, they are around 10 years apart, with Khadgar being the youngest. He’s like an honorary younger brother to every Hunter and even if Maiev won’t admit it, she’s kinda thinking the same. 

If he had been in the spotlight for this chapter, it was actually because I was thinking of writing his backstory for the Calendar of 2020 but in the end, I scrapped the idea and wrote something else. But It’ll happen at some point.

You Were In My Dream Last Night, And I Found You That Morning

A simple and nice chapter to calm down from the action heavy that was the precedent. I do throw some crumbs of foreshadowing and backstory, mostly for Maiev, but we will have to wait quite some time for the full one. Even if to be honest, before I release it fully, there will probably be some people that will stitch everything from my crumbs.

Illidan’s dreams are meant to be a plot point all through the story, and I decided to start them with this chapter. And of course, we can see that it’s the first chapter where Illidan, even if he isn’t conscious of it, starts to like Maiev more than he should have at that point.

A Red Dress And Heels To Hide The Knife In Plainsight

I loved writing that one. Showing that Maiev had more hobbies than hunting demons, along with showing how you had to act to get her to do things that she would refuse to do otherwise. Most of the time, if Sira gently asks if she wants to go do some shopping, Maiev always has something else to do. Not that she hates shopping, just that she thinks there’s better things to do. 

I could probably go more about Worgens and their existence, but it would spoil some part of the story :/ 

And honestly, I had an alternate version of this chapter where Illidan saw Maiev and Sira hurrying in the streets, followed them and he would have eavesdropped on the conversation about him. It was obviously bad because it was confirming that Maiev was at least a Hunter (which he won’t know until a while by that time) and it would have been totally an excuse for smut x)

A Warning Falling In Deaf Ears

With this chapter, I’ve been working on mixing the idea of chapters 5 (to concentrate on rest of the cast) with more of the main story. Like that, I show that there’s more than Illidan and Maiev in this universe, but at the same time, I’m still progressing their story by sharing the chapter between the two. I really liked writing Kayn like that and I think that one of my favorite things to write in this story, it’s Illidan and Malfurion interacting.

A Touch So Familiar, Yet So Strangely Threatening

I remember writing that chapter and suddenly realizing that it was going to be longer than the precedent, and i thought for a moment that I had to cut it in half, but I couldn’t find a satisfying way to do it, and it would have fucked up my outline, so I just carried on with it until I had told everything that I had to. 

With that chapter, I’m trying to show that Maiev can be really crazy when it comes to the Betrayer and his followers, but I can assure that she wouldn’t wound any of the Hunters, even if they cannot really be sure about it. And the little dialogue with the B-word made me laugh and yes, Maiev already called the Betrayer a bitch to his face. In 13 years, it would have been weird that she didn’t think of it at least once.

For the rest of the chapter, I just wanted to show that Maiev and Illidan were becoming comfortable with each other + setting up a reason for her to be worried about Illidan to show him her good side.

Screaming Under The Full Moon Won't Change Your Fate

The one thing I keep from this chapter, is that I can’t wait to dive more into Velen and Maiev's relationship.

Otherwise, yeah, if Illidan were to go into a fight only wanting to use magic, he could kill Maiev without breaking a sweat. But he likes the challenge and feels like it wouldn’t be satisfying to annihilate her with just a spell, so he’s fighting blade against blades, unless Maiev is really close to kill him.

A Fateful Call That Only You Can Be Blamed For

I have nothing much to say about it. It was one chapter that I really wanted to write and publish, because it’s the one where Illidan just let his guard down around Maiev for good, and now that he won’t try to trap her into admitting that she is the Warden, it allows him to see Maiev in another light.

That anyone can guess what it is.

Oh yeah, just that I threw some good crumbs of the fact that Illidan is a self-loathing addict in my fics and that it’s one of the reasons he falls so hard for Maiev after this chapter. But it’ll be a good talk for either another chapter, or later.

Going Separate Ways For A Night But Not The Life

Nothing to say, it was a transitional chapter to show that Illidan really believes that Maiev isn’t the Warden, and that there’s more than the fight to them.

Stab Me Once, Shame On You. Stab Me More Than Twice...

A fun little chapter. Velen is more modern than most people can believe and once again, I like writing about the interactions between Illidan and Malfurion. Of course, if you go back to read this one after chapter 20, you might see that I already knew how it was going to happen from this chapter, as the 20th got his title in this one.

I just hope that people read the story from the Advent Calendar 2020 to know what happened in the middle of it.

And From There, Fate Laughed At Them

I could talk for hours about Cordana in my AU. I just love what I’m going to do with her characters and I hope that my readers will like it too. 

But to give some crumbs, Maiev and Cordana have been best friends since high school and she’s the first long-time friend that Maiev had made in her life and thanks to Cordana, she met with Sira and the group, but most importantly Velen. Cordana is a hybrid of sixth generation, so her demonic attributes are almost non-existent, but she kept some supernatural ability from her legacy. She knew from a very young age that she wanted to hunt demons and protect people, and met with Velen early to prepare her future job. Once she discovered that Maiev had some natural abilities to hunt demons, she saw them as the future “Best Best Friend and Hunters” and convinced Maiev to give a go to the hunt. She was forced to move out in another city but she kept contact with Maiev and the rest of the group. In terms of strength, abilities and hunting score, she is right behind Maiev.

Otherwise, I will add that I had a lot of fun writing the conversation between them about Illidan and how he would be better than the Betrayer *winkwink*.

I didn’t make it clear in that chapter and it won’t be important, but Khadgar has a crush on Cordana.

Cordana meant well with the message, and even if in real life, I would condone such action, here, I needed it to move things around because yes, neither Illidan nor Maiev would make the first step if it wasn’t for Cordana.

During the fight, at the beginning of the scene, Illidan totally complimented the Warden on her abilities but don’t try to make him admit it.

Last thing: my nickname is Fate. I’m the one laughing.

Games, Games, All Is Games

I don’t really have anything to say about this chapter.

Sometimes, Cowardice Allows The Survival Of The Smartest

To be perfectly honest, I regret how I handled Cordana’s week in the story because I’ve barely done anything with her but I can explain where the problem is. I knew that I wanted Illidan to discover the warden’s identity on chapter 20, and I planned all my updates around that one fact, but when it came to the outline, I wasn’t sure what to tell between the chapter 13 and 20 to reach that point and thanks to the Calendar, I moved things around that one and I ended up having the idea of making Cordana appears (She should have come in person in the story much, much later). And as I needed chapters 18 and 19 to build up to the reveal, I ended up completely stuck and making her appearance too fast and if it wasn’t for the message, she would have been useless to the story. But I realized it too late and I couldn’t rework my outline in time.

But well, i’ll give her a better mini-arc in the second arc of the story to atone for it.

Otherwise, I hope that the feel of the countdown to the reveal starting by the end of the chapter had been caught by some people x) It’s obvious to me, but well, i’m the writer.

Step By Step, Tick Tock Said The Clock

Just a build up chapter for the 20th. Even if I really like it and that I’m preparing the ground for future plotlines but I’ll let you guess which one it could be x) 

I know I haven’t make it clear in the chapter, but Malfurion knew that Illidan was lying when he pretended that his problem was the Warden “may-be-may-be-not-a-hybrid/demon” but as he also know that his brother is a “stubborn motherfucker” he let it slid. 

And yes, somewhere in my mind, there’s an alternate universe where Maiev accepted Illidan’s invitation and that they would spend the evening at her place. Without a reveal first.

Any Last Wish?

I don’t really have something to add to this chapter. I succeeded to write it just as I wanted.

I just had a long debate with myself as to how I wanted it to end, as I had the choice between cutting it right as Illidan is saved by the Warden (maybe not revealing her identity before the next chapter, or it would have been the last line) or just as I did, by them reaching her place first. I chose the latter because I want Chapter 21 to start with a really specific scene and I thought that it was better than a cheap cliffhanger. 

The last thing I'll add, is that for the story to go well, I had to make Illidan be the first to be aware of the identity of the other, mostly because he can be the one to change his mind more easily about wanting to kill the Warden. If it had been Maiev discovering that Illidan was the Betrayer at this moment of the story, he would have died.

And now, because I'm not done yet, here’s some info about the bonus chapters that were published independently from the main story!

AC Day 8: A Morning

First calendar, in 2018, and I already knew that I was going to write Hasard. It had no name by this time, but I had written that small scene to try out a few things and see how it’ll work.

There’s a really high chance that I end up rewriting it for the main story, but I think that a few elements will change. We’ll see.

AC19 Day 24: Hasard: Naisha

Probably the worst (in terms of feels) chapter of the story yet.

Naisha is probably the character who had a story and fate the closest to canon and I wanted to keep it like that, as it allowed to shape even more the hate between the Warden and the Betrayer. Honestly, she wasn’t deserving of a death like that, especially that if the Betrayer hadn’t intervened that day by trying to kill Maiev, Naisha would have survived.

Actually, in any other universes/storylines possible, she would have survived. Unfortunately for her, she fell right into the feud and became a victim of it.

At this point of the story, Illidan isn’t even completely aware of what happened that day, and he has no idea who Naisha was. All that he knows is that he thought to have killed the Warden, only to find her, even more angry in the following week. He just knows that he had killed the wrong person, but he had no idea who. Maiev herself doesn’t know for sure that it was the Betrayer the culprit, as she couldn’t see clearly in the rain.

Of course, it’ll end up being brought up in the story :)

AC20 Day 8: Hasard: Malfurion’s Hellish Day

It should have been Khadgar's backstory actually for that Calendar. But even if I have a good idea about it, I realized that I wasn’t completely inspired and that I was missing a few details to be able to write it. So, in the end, I went desperately after another idea and thanks to Melowen, I think, she got me on the idea of writing about Malfurion.

In the end, this chapter, meant to be a funny one with Illidan and Maiev forced to be in the same place for the same job, with Malfurion, aware that it would be a catastrophe to let them discover the truth, ended up shaping the last chapters currently published.

And if you are wondering, no, Illidan wasn’t trying to trick his brother in giving him the secret identity of Maiev. He was just trying to get his brother approbation about the woman he was starting to crush on.

The line: ‘“Yeah, everyone tells me that I look like a famous actor,” Malfurion faked a chuckle, glancing at the woman.’ is a reference to my Bodyguard AU where Illidan is an actor. 

Alright, that’s all for the trivia! Thanks for reading this bonus chapter, and the main story until now, and I hope you’ll keep enjoying reading Hasard!

Rose

[tessatechaitea]

Justice Society of America #10 (1993)

Fact: Golden Age heroes didn't have penises.

I was starfished on my bedroom floor tonight staring at the ceiling and thinking about how in my teens and twenties, I could revel in it, thinking, "Who am I? Who will I become? What does life have in store for me?" But a grown ass man doing that simply thinks, "This is it, isn't it?" At least I can lose myself in reading comic books I've already read and which I didn't really enjoy that much the first time. It might sound like a waste of time but it gives my life meaning! The most shallow of meanings, sure. But at least I'm not growing old watching conservative news because I need anything at all to light my passion. I'll say this about Fox News: they understand how old people are so bored they'll watch the dumbest shit and then get mad about it. I know other people who aren't old also watch Fox News. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with them. I guess they have fears and hatreds I hope I'll never truly understand. I just don't understand watching Fox News (or any of the other non-propaganda 24 hour news sites). People do understand there are channels which show programs that make you laugh or feel merry or that simply entertain the other non-lizard parts of your brain, right? How do you pick Fox News when you can watch Sci-fi or Buzzr Comedy Central or the Ru-Paul's Drag Race all day channel? I just realized that the people who watch Fox News basically use Twitter the same way. The majority of my feed are funny people so even when they're discussing politics, it's always entertaining (or fiercely intelligent because witty people are smart. Dumb people think they're witty (see Mike Huckabee)). But when I check out the Twitter feeds of conservatives I know, at best they'll retweet a sports tweet sandwiched between forty retweets of Ben Shapiro and Dinesh Souza. Maybe they think some of the right wing pundits they follow are funny. But calling somebody a mean name or tagging everything "liberal tears" isn't funny. It's the kind of funny that the bully's weasely sidekick guffaws over and then says, "You tell 'em, Jimmy!" Speaking of things bullies would say, it's now time for me to criticize Len Strazewski's Justice Society. Previously, some old fart named Kulak made everybody in the world begin to hate. But they aren't just randomly hating everybody else. They really seem to be bonding over their hatred for the Justice Society of America. Is this story a metaphor about me and my hatred of this comic book? Because that would be a terrible metaphor seeing as how I don't really hate this comic. I wish I did though! I'm old and I need to feel passion! I bet if I hadn't dropped cable eighteen years ago, I'd be addicted to Fox News too! No, I wouldn't be. I'm as liberal as you can be while still making offensive jokes. So not really that liberal, I guess? Maybe I'm socially, economically, and politically liberal. But I'm a complete asshole when it comes to punchlines. Don't get me wrong! I don't make offensive jokes at the expense of people different than me. I make offensive jokes about myself and those Goddamned fucking babies. Fuck those parasitic monsters. This issue begins with Starman finally reappearing.

It really wasn't exciting enough for an announcement of his return. He's just another half-balding old guy. But it lets me talk about the DC Universe show, Stargirl!

I decided to watch Stargirl because what else am I going to do with my life? Finish reading Gravity's Rainbow? I mean, I am going to do that now that I'm done re-reading those awful Lando Calrissian books. But I can't spend all of time reading Pynchon! Just too much of it! I mean, I'm only 18 pages into Gravity's Rainbow (which is further than I've ever gotten on my previous three attempts!) and I'd estimate I don't understand 5% of the words he's used. And that's me being an English Lit major who has been a voracious reader his entire 48 years (minus the ones where I couldn't read yet. Like ten or something?). I was in bed reading and didn't have a dictionary at hand so I just powered through. But I think I need to go back through and learn all of those words so I can impress the local Starbucks barista! Or are people not impressed when you use a word they have nearly zero chance of knowing and don't know you enough to keep the conversation going by asking you what that means and instead just smile and nod and glance occasionally at the tip jar? Anyway, so I've watched three episodes so far and I'll tell you how I feel about it after I mention how I've actually watched four episodes. The first episode I watched, I was impressed with because Courtney was already palling around with a bunch of legacy JSA members and the Injustice Society was trying to tackle the "Who is Stargirl?" problem and I watched it thinking, "This is really impressive how they decided to start in the middle of the story like this. I like it!" Then I went to watch episode two and I was confused because it didn't seem to follow after the previous episode. So I kept thinking, "Maybe this is a flashback?" And then eighteen minutes into it, I thought, "Maybe I didn't watch the pilot episode. I'd better check." And I started watching the first episode which I totally hadn't seen. So I guess I started with Episode 7 or something. Here are some of my tweet-thoughts on the show for those who don't follow me on Twitter (why don't you follow me on twitter? What is wrong with you? Is it because you don't know I'm @GrunionGuy?): Tweet #1: "Sometimes you think maybe you're having inappropriate thoughts but then you check to make sure the actress playing a fifteen year old Stargirl is actually 21 and then you breathe a sigh of relief and think, 'I won't be cancelled today! Unless I tweet this experience, probably.'" Tweet #2: "Sometimes you think maybe you're having inappropriate thoughts but then remember it's okay to fuck a car that's been converted into a giant robot with Luke Wilson inside of it." Tweet #3: "3rd episode of Stargirl begins with a dying white woman's final wish to her white husband that he make the world safe for their white son. She dies and he goes out into the enormous hedge maze garden of his mansion to scream into the sky about the injustice of it all. All in all, a pretty good villain origin!" That third tweet was the only one that really makes any sort of socially acceptable commentary on the show. Saying things like "Stargirl's butt doesn't look like my mouth should be inside of it because she's fifteen although the actress is twenty-one so maybe it actually does look like that?" aren't the greatest things to admit even if you're just joking (which I am but just adding this statement makes it sound like I'm not but I totally am (that "totally" doesn't help but I assure you, I'm joking (did the hole just get deeper?))). I mean, sure, her body is super fit because she's a super hero (or will be?). But she has such a baby face! And even at twenty-one, she's just a baby! If I were younger, I'd totally have a crush on her. But I'm 48 and I just don't consider young women proper targets for my sexual deviance anymore. The only interaction I should have with young women these days is warning them against going out to the summer camp at the lake where that boy drowned so many years ago. The girls I had a crush on when I was younger (Christina Applegate (Kelly Bundy), Winona Ryder (Veronica Sawyer), and Stacie Mistysyn (Caitlin Ryan)), I have even more of a crush on now. Judging by the crushes I've had my whole life and not society's stereotype of women, women definitely get better looking as they get older. And probably as I get older. I'm sure that's part of it although I like to think that fifteen year old me would still look at these nearly fifty (or maybe fifty? I'm not so obsessed I know their ages but they're all around my age anyway) year old women and think, "Holy fuck mommy." I'm sorry for that last comment. But I'm only sorry to God not anybody who was reading this. Oh, I forgot to mention that Joel McHale is the original Starman (I mean original in the show although he's Sylvester Pemberton who was never Starman but only Skyman although in the show he was at one point the Star-Spangled Kid and Luke Wilson does mention Ted Knight at some point). And he's funny in his death scene just like he should be because I've obviously decides Sylvester is Jeff Winger's new superhero secret identity alias. Starman heads off with his Cosmic Buttplug to stop Kulak in Gotham City. He doesn't know it yet but the rest of his pals are currently battling Kulak and probably losing. Although Kulak is even older than they are so maybe it's a fair fight. I'm just surprised that a comic book where old men battle other old men has made it ten issues.

I think some editor was fired last issue and the new editor's only job was to make sure it didn't look like Thunderbolt had been speared through the asshole.

Although this editor seemed to think it was okay to have Hawkgirl fucked from behind by Kulak.

I hope this isn't a terrible conservative take on women that exposes how terrible I am at sex but even mind-controlled, I can't imagine licking a woman's shoulder would elicit that response. Although she could be "Ummming" from his pee-hee in her bee-boo.

I know conservative talking points are generally fucking idiotic but Ben Shapiro somehow thinking women can get "too wet" from sexual excitement might be the most hilariously idiotic. I don't think I've been with a woman who was all, "Yes! Yes! Lick my shoulder blade!" and I then I got super into it and then suddenly she was all, "Nope. Too wet. This isn't working for me anymore. I need a doctor, I guess?" Who am I kidding? I know I've never been with a woman who did that because that would mean I've had to have been with a woman! Also, women get wet down there? What's that about? Is it because the vagina cries at the sight of the penis? Kulak takes away all of their super powers but I guess he forgets that Wildcat doesn't have any so I'm hoping Wildcat just punches him in the face soon. Although that Starman bit probably was a hint at how the coming fight might end. You know, with Starman shoving his Cosmic Buttplug into Kulak's third eye, if you know what I'm saying. You probably do because I called it a Cosmic Buttplug. I should try to be more subtle. Kulak's entire purpose is to get revenge on the Justice Society for defeating him way back in 1940. Can't even one super villain just accept defeat and move on with their lives? Or are writers just always going to be so inherently lazy that they'll never give up the crutch of the villain attacking the hero directly out of revenge for that one single time they tried to actually commit a crime and were stopped? The JSA puts up a fight that helps to drain Kulak's power but it isn't until Starman arrives and does that thing I mentioned with his Cosmic Buttplug that Kulak is defeated.

This is the grossest orgasm I've ever seen and my computer is riddled with viruses from all of the previous ones I've watched.

After Kulak's defeat, Jesse Quick wraps up the issue with her super hero dissertation which is less a dissertation and more of a thorough cleaning of all of their asses with her tongue. She's all, "I didn't really do much research or define heroes too good but the Justice Society of America are my heroes so I deserver a degree, right?" Justice Society of America #10 Rating: B. This comic book was as average as they get. I suppose that should garner a C grade but a B grade just seems to say decent but mediocre. By the time I get down to a C grade, I feel like the comic book needs a lot more faults than "I don't really care about stories with heroes who are having strokes during the battles." It's a valid criticism but it's probably too subjective for a critical review. I know, I know! When has that ever stopped me before? Well, I feel charitable today. It probably has something to do with Mars being so close to the full moon earlier this week. My blood is all riled up and wacky!

[somnilogical]

<<Over the past year, however, Google has appeared to clamp down. It has gradually scaled back opportunities for employees to grill their bosses and imposed a set of workplace guidelines that forbid “a raging debate over politics or the latest news story.” It has tried to prevent workers from discussing their labor rights with outsiders at a Google facility and even hired a consulting firm that specializes in blocking unions. Then, in November, came the firing of the four activists. The escalation sent tremors through the Google campus in Mountain View, Calif., and its offices in cities like New York and Seattle, prompting many employees — whether or not they had openly supported the activists — to wonder if the company’s culture of friendly debate was now gone for good.

(A Google spokeswoman would not confirm the names of the people fired on Nov. 25. “We dismissed four individuals who were engaged in intentional and often repeated violations of our longstanding data-security policies,” the spokeswoman said. “No one has been dismissed for raising concerns or debating the company’s activities.” Without naming Berland, Google disputed that investigators pressured him.)>>

https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2020/02/18/magazine/google-revolt.html

<<“Of the five people that were fired, three of us are trans women,” Spiers said. “That is either an unbelievable coincidence or Google is targeting the most vulnerable.”

“Trans Googlers make up a very small percentage of Googlers,” she added. “They make up a slightly larger percentage of organizers, but not 60%.”>>

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/dec/17/fifth-google-worker-activist-fired-in-a-month-says-company-is-targeting-the-vulnerable

i too am transfem and would "violate longstanding data-security policies" if my organization were being unjust. i wouldnt say that unless it were already obvious by what bits ive leaked to people about my life, because otherwise i could suppress this information and whistleblow more.

if you were an evil corp at this point youd probably try to avoid hiring any trans women in the first place because given this happens to you, its likely done by a transfem. not that this saved CFAR, who never hired a trans woman, from having a bunch of transfems whistleblow on them despite not being employees.

from what ive read from transfem google employees who are or were involved in activism, the degredation of google's culture. their complicity with ICE and weapons manufacturing mirrors CFAR's with OpenAI and DeepMind; authoritarianism and expulsion of transfems who object to this among a myriad of wrongs. to protect the territory of injustice and complicity with organizations like ICE, google needs to import "a consulting firm that specializes in blocking unions", CFAR needs to violate their whistleblower policy. if you once protect injustice, justice is ever after your enemy. morality isnt some modular thing such that you can be comitted to protecting injustice and not have this choice spiral into also invoking and protecting systems that protect injustice and invoking further things to protect those, recursively. all the way down to doing really dumb and obvious unjust things like transmisogyny (lots of future posts), changing your fundraiser after its clear its losing money, announcing that this year you got way below your donation target and claim to have no idea why.

well *i* know the compact generator for all of these things, and that makes me strong. unlike MIRI/CFAR who like the CDC rely on gaslighting the populace for myopic gains. i also wore a particle mask during the time that the CDC claimed that they were useless to preventing spread of disease, so it was really important to give them to doctors and nurses.

after so much gaslighting, *i* have built up general capabilities at arbitraging the difference between what agents claim and the truth. people who say:

<<Edit: This is a type of post that should have been vetted with someone for infohazards and harms before being posted, and (Further edit) I think it should have been removed by the authors., though censorship is obviously counterproductive at this point.

Infohazards are a real thing, as is the Unilateralists’s curse. (Edit to add: No, infohazards and unilateralist’s curse are not about existential or global catastrophic risk. Read the papers.) And right now, overall, reduced trust in CDC will almost certainly kill people. Yes, their currently political leadership is crappy, and blameworthy for a number of bad decisions—but it doesn’t change the fact that undermining them now is a very bad idea.

Yes, the CDC has screwed up many times, but publicly blaming them for things that were non-obvious (like failing to delay sending out lab kits for further testing,) or that they screwed up, and everyone paying attention including them now realizes they got wrong (like being slow to allow outside testing,) in the middle of a pandemic seems like exactly the kind of consequence-blind action that lesswrongers should know better than to engage in.

Disclaimer: I know lots of people at CDC, including some in infectious diseases, and have friends there. They are human, and get things wrong under pressure—and perhaps there are people who would do better, but that’s not the question at hand.>>

https://www.greaterwrong.com/posts/h4vWsBBjASgiQ2pn6/credibility-of-the-cdc-on-sars-cov-2/comment/uDYbgf3QtEQirbsJk

havent. its easy to see how peoples minds are warped when its someone elses glowy thing, when its someone elses friends working for an institution that that someone else routed their hopes through.

its easier to recognize betrayal and see knowledge beyond the veil when its happening to someone else, instead of you.

until you build up general skills for recognizing it, this sort of betrayal isnt infinitely powerful. and like how you might expect that smart people who live for predation would do anti-inductive smart predatory things, but they end up converging on child sex rings; institutions that betray you, because justice is their enemy will start doing dumb unjust things like banning two people from speaking about their irl experiences with anna salamon, saying their first-hand accounts werent evidence and then citing anna salamon's first-hand account of the meeting as evidence. when i objected that this was a fucked up self-serving ontology of "evidence" they acted like i was objecting to "beliefs flow from evidence" and they acted as if what i was saying was obscure and beyond their ability to comprehend. their "incomprehension" was fake, downstream of a fear to dynamically compute things in front of other people that might end up outside the orthodoxy. the result of which is they display a blue screen of death and say “i just dont understand and aaa dont explain this to me!!!”. and then people agree that it "seems like it could be an infohazard" because when your goal is the preservation of the matrix, everything that tears it down looks like hazardous information.

or a cfar employee, in response to claims that anna's transmisogyny influences CFAR's hiring choices, claiming that anna salamon, head of CFAR, is not involved in CFAR's hiring. until i post proof from another CFAR employee pursuing personal vengeance against the org for hiring their rapist where its tangentially mentioned and they suddenly "realize" that anna salamon, head of CFAR, is involved in CFAR's hiring process.

or a thousand other injustices that have burned themselves into my brain during my months of talking with people under the assumption that they were simply mistaken in their path to saving the world. when they were actually un-mistaken in their path to having babies and a low chance of personal death. hoping and expecting someone else will take heroic responsibility for the planet.

like when you drill down to the base of injustice, it bottoms out in dumb and petty injustice. like the structure doesnt go infinitely high and complex, if you go down to the base level, you just need a bit of courage to not flinch away from what you see even if it seems that it means the ruin of something you ran your hopes and dreams through.

--

"isnt this a little... extreme?" i hear some people ask. ""dont protect regions of injustice?" that sounds like the end product of obsessive compulsive fixation on virtue at the expense of practicality."

well, assuming the algorithm seeding this response is a systemic reasoning tool, it should forkbomb when you consider if youd output ""dont protect regions of untruth?" that sounds like the end product of obsessive compulsive fixation on virtue at the expense of practicality." in response to eliezers essay. the principle behind both is the same such that if you hold by one you should hold by the other.

all of these things have parallels. if you want to see what is happening with MIRI/CFAR, theres a lot of mutual information with whats happening with Google.

[fox-steward]

@illinoisbeau didn’t respond when i said it was up to him about tagging, so i’ll give him the chance to respond, but please let me know if i should remove the tag.

where to even start with this? it’s wildly illogical but i am waiting for my wife to get off a 9hr plane ride so i’ll bite.

image 1: i’m sorry if you think i just came up with everything on this blog like some inspired fount of radical feminism, but these ideas are here to help make sense of my experience. they do not come out of my experience. what i’m saying is, my experience with dysphoria is likely indistinguishable from most other female trans people, and you said it best yourself, “transition [is] not the right treatment.”

i try to make this point with exhaustive examples, drawing on the indisputable conditions of being female in this society.

image 2: acknowledges misogynistic society? check. everything you said after that and before your own experience? word salad. how am i missing how “misogyny permeates each person in society in all areas of life?” that is exactly what i’m saying. and extrapolating from there, im suggesting that even sex dysphoria is informed by the all-permeating misogyny. why do i have to repeat this? it would seem we agree here?

you’re right we never stop learning from society, but as you experience the socialization of manhood, you do so with a history of girlhood. guess who fundamentally does not do that: natal males. which means even now, your experience of manhood is going to be fundamentally different from theirs. just as mine was. just as all transmen’s are. we never stop learning from society,“ but we also cannot just erase what we already learned. i’m suggesting it is possible (probable) that for female people like us, who experienced girlhood with dysphoria, it is precisely the experience of misogyny that gives rise to desires to become the opposite sex.

image 3: my man, there is no reliable difference between “cis and trans dysphoric people.” it’s not helpful (except insofar as to construct and substantiate some kind of innate trans narrative) to distinguish between types of dysphoric people, especially when the overlap of our experiences is so huge–nearly a circle!

i’m not sure what exactly you’re arguing, but the notion that therapists aren’t helpful to dysphoric people is…dubious. from one side of the coin, i agree, from the other, i don’t. i agree that right now, therapists are not doing dysphoric people right and helping us investigate the deeper meaning of dysphoria and helping us work on ways to deal with it outside of steering us toward medical transition. i don’t agree that therapists are seeking out reasons to “make us normal.” this is…a wild claim. so intangible as to be useless to this discussion.

again, there is just no use in trying to draw a line between “cis” dysphoric people and “trans” dysphoric people unless that purpose is to bolster the idea that transness is an innate state of being. practically, there’s no difference between your life experience (what you’d call trans) and mine (what you’re calling cis). any difference exists in your mind in order to justify why we can have different outcomes of the same experience: transition.

image 4: not sure what the point in bringing up the difference between society and nature is. sure, they’re different, but each one is real in that we have to live with both and with the ways they interact. those interactions being something like: all females (nature) are oppressed by misogyny (society).

no one is asking you to obsess over your biological sex? all i’m suggesting is, it’s better for mental health when we acknowledge our reality, that we are female, rather than believing we are or could become male.

look, you’re 18 and an adult, so i’m not trying to belittle you when i say this: at 18, the human brain isn’t done forming. in my late 20s, mine is. i guarantee i have life experiences behind me that you just don’t. i say from experience and observation of others, feelings change a lot between 18 and 30. i say from experience, it’s no good for mental health to feverishly pursue something you can never attain (becoming male). whether you believe me or not is up to you, but you in particular is not who i write this for. i write for any dysphoric female, myself included.

image 5: no, what jeopardizes your healthcare is a medical industry that suggests transition without the appropriate investment of time and resources in figuring out how to physically and emotionally care for trans people. what jeopardizes your healthcare is a lack of research into long term testosterone use and how that changes a female body. but make no mistake, changed by medication or not, it’s still a female body. what jeopardizes your healthcare are transphobic doctors and nurses who turn away trans patients because they don’t understand or are disgusted by our bodies. and that is a flaw with society, not nature.

i get that you don’t want the experience of womanhood and transition will functionally fix that for you, but your body will not enter some mystical space between male and female. it will be a female body on testosterone. and that’s fine! like you said, functionally, it does the job! no one “gives a shit” that transition is an aesthetic approximation? this discussion is not about feeling a certain way about transitioning, that is literally just the honest description of what it is. claiming to somehow slide into a biologically male body? that has a lot more to do with feelings–namely, appeasing your own internal sense of being. and as my personal experience informs me, insisting doesn’t make it so.

no one said or implied that transness or transsexuality is unnatural and thus wrong. nothing about this discussion or any of my writing is about transness being wrong. it’s almost all about how females suffer misogyny, how that influences dysphoria, and wondering if medically transitioning is the best treatment for it. that’s it. and you can agree or disagree, but trying to make it seem like i am anti-trans isn’t true or fair.

image 6: you are the only one distinguishing our dysphorias, though. you insist they’re fundamentally different, while i suggest that maybe they aren’t? your evidence that they’re different? i acknowledge the role of misogyny, while you deny it. at 18 i would have denied it, too. functionally, though, experientially, i’ll bet your story and mine have a near perfect overlap. our experiences likely mirror one another’s. and that is my point from above: there's no practical difference in distinguishing between you and me unless we’re trying to support the idea that transness is innate. and that distinction relies not on our actual, concrete, lived experiences, but on how we choose to describe them.

if i had to guess why you want to create this gulf between our experiences, it would be to rationalize why it is two very similar people with exceptionally similar experiences of functionally the same thing can reach different outcomes.

image 7: i just wanted to include this to publicly acknowledge that i had permission to post these screenshots.

but as i said in our chat message, LMAO @ the notion that my experience with transitioning doesn’t necessitate an opinion on transness!!!! what a wild stance to take! “your experience doesn’t necessitate an opinion on that experience.” lmao 😂

good luck out there, this world is a trip. i wish you well.

[existentialcrisesand]

everything is fucked and we are all lonely and i love you ~

Where I live, we have been impacted by the pandemic (ie quarantine, stay-at-home orders, etc) since March 2020 - that’s 11 months. 11 months of significantly less social interaction, except online (including social media, like youtube, instagram, tiktok, facebook, etc). Households are not allowed to mix with other households, which means that, although I know a lot of people are ignoring this, people who live alone (and are trying to not further spread COVID) have gone eleven months with no touch. This also extends to people who live with people who they don’t touch, or aren’t touched by! I know people whose roommates are very busy, or they don’t get along with, or their family can’t give them physical affection. I don’t know if you know this, but babies and children die if they aren’t held and touched enough. People living alone (hopefully..) aren’t babies or children who could die from lack of affection, but the fact that small humans die from this should tell us that when we lack affection, and community in general, it Will have detrimental affects on our mental health, at the very least. 

I have lived .. my entire life deprived of all types of affection and community, which had its own affects on my development, and then was being abused and dealing with subsequent untreated brain damage. I don’t actually know what it is like to live with your needs of physical affection and community being fulfilled in any way. So that’s my bias here. 

I’ve seen a lot of people, including myself, go through various stages of emotions during this pandemic, from panic, to horny, to confused and depressed, to i-will-take-any-and-all-affection-please-just-touch-me, to Depression and/or despair. I see people turning to social media to fill these needs. But I don’t think we’re going to get our needs filled there either. Social media is designed to make money, not to serve as a respite or to Build Community, especially not the communities I think people are needing most right now. I see people trying to be people they aren’t because they’re in such dire need of affection and some sort of community. They go to considerable lengths to adjust themselves in the hope of making themselves seem more palatable to the people they follow or whose attention they want. They try to mold themselves to fit what they think others will want to see or be involved with. And then they get burnt out and have no idea who they are; they’re lacking sufficient community already, so they turn to social media, where they don’t find what they need at first, so they adapt and find strategies to get what they need, even if that means being someone they aren’t and don’t want to be, when that still doesn’t work, or what comes of it still doesn’t fill their needs, they are empty and alone. They have put this weight of community into becoming someone they think others will like and in this desperation for community, they lose who they are, who they want to be. 

I’m in my 20s, so my perspective of this is going to be different to younger people - I’ve known so many teens and even people younger than 13 using social media. Obsessively. What is this going to do to their development? Their senses of self? How will this impact who they become, who they are in five years, ten years?

I also don’t see many people talking about how this pandemic will affect suicide rates. People aren’t talking about it. (When do they ever?) There are disabled people who rely on paid services and in-home care to stay alive, to have any quality of life. As far as I know, these services, where they aren’t cancelled entirely, are severely limited. People are going to die - but not because they catch COVID, because they are alone, because people suck and we don’t care enough about each other yet. And! Bringing it back to my first paragraph - we are social creatures. That’s just a fact, that’s just what humans are. We can’t survive without community. Our nervous systems and brains suffer pretty greatly without community and touch. But most people seem to forget about this idea. And then they remember it but they’re reckless and decide to meet up with a bunch of people or take their masks off, which isn’t actually the best idea either. COVID sucks but it’s real and if we don’t take it as seriously as possible, the Roaring 20s won’t happen for another hundred years probably, and I’m looking forward to being alive for the second Roaring 20s in history. 

And then there’s the question I’m sure you either have asked or will ask - ok, it’s bad, what do you propose we do about it? Yes, you’re right! Firstly, we wait. We try to manage as best we can until this is over and the Roaring 20s really begin and we all party for five - ten years. We wait for the shitty governments to be less shitty, or for the wonderful doctors and scientists etc to find vaccines and distribute them. Secondly, we build community how we can right now in as healthy of ways as we can. In my opinion, healthy communities and relationships can’t rely on social media. At least not right now. Maybe media in general will change (hopefully it will, I hope to be part of this change) and it will become a beautiful, safe place where people can go to to feel held and loved. But right now, it’s not that. Except maybe the warm places on reddit, and discord if you’re lucky. We need to put effort into our own individual healing and into the healing of our loved ones and of our kin, of the people we have yet to meet. We need to make room to have tough conversations about feelings and loneliness and we need to make plans and strategies to help each other and build spaces where this loneliness is lessened, even if it’s only for a little while. We need to find ways to hold each other and love each other even though everything fucking sucks.

This will be over eventually, and the Roaring 20s will be here once again. I for one plan to go to every gig I can afford to attend, to kiss everyone who wants to kiss me, cuddle everyone who wants to cuddle with me, and hold the hands of all the people who will let me. But we need to figure out ways to get through this shit show, cause it’s not over yet. We need to love each other and make plans. 

I hope this wasn’t too terribly pretentious. I’m really upset about not having much community, about feeling unworthy, about finding a person or two but then being screwed over by them. I’m putting this here cause maybe this will help someone, and because I need to say it. Thanks for reading. Please stay safe.

Disclaimer: these are my opinions, experiences, and views. I may be wrong, I may have gotten details, timelines, statistics, etc wrong. This is not meant to be taken as medical advice, therapy, or anything like that. Take from it what you will, but I’m not a doctor or a therapist, I’m just saying what I have to say because I can. Thank you.

[igotapps]

Is Technology a Bringer of Great Promise or Great Peril?

The pace of change continuously astounds and bewilders me. I just about remember horses pulling coal carts as a kid and now we’re developing driverless cars. The Internet of Things will be part of our daily life soon and humankind seems to be losing the ability to stand up straight already. How long will it be before we start resembling bananas more than apes with a pronounced curve of the spine and neck from staring down at mobiles?

Mobile Phone Addiction

We’re in the Fourth Industrial Revolution

According to the World Economic Forum, we’re now in the Fourth Industrial Revolution. We’ve already lived through an immense amount of change and who knows what is round the corner. The ever rising march of Artificial Intelligence (AI) shows great promise in many fields for the future but it is also highly controversial and multi-faceted.

Even Elon Musk, the ‘Thomas Edison of the 21st century’ has serious doubts about what we are creating for ourselves. The serial entrepreneur who has had a hand in all types of technology from electric cars, rockets, Paypal, Hyperloop, solar power systems, electric jets to digital technology. The man who is famous for his plans to colonise Mars, further DNA sequencing to identify cures for diseases and viable fusion to create energy for us all for ever.

Mars colonisation

A man who is a bringer of great promise. However Musk also predicts that ‘robots will be able to do everything better than us’ and they will ‘take your jobs, and government will have to pay your wage’. He also believes that we should be very concerned and proactively regulate Artificial Intelligence as it is a ‘risk to the existence of human civilization’ in a way that risks we commonly deal with now are only harmful to a set of individuals in society.

In contrast Mark Zuckerberg, the equally famous entrepreneur of Facebook is more optimistic saying that artificial intelligence will improve life in the future and that naysayers are irresponsible.

Is technology the bringer of great promise?

The positives of AI are certainly immense

“For people with a disability, the Fourth Industrial Revolution will give us super powers”

Birgit Skarstein, Double paralympic athlete and World Rowing Champion, Norway

“Imagine a robot capable of treating Ebola patients or cleaning up nuclear waste.”

Dileep George, artificial intelligence and neuroscience researcher

“Any skilled engineer can take control remotely of any connected ‘thing’. Society has not yet realized the incredible scenarios this capability creates.”

André Kudelski, Chairman and CEO of Kudelski Group

Artificial Intelligence (AI) is already playing a massive role in health care and some believe that there is an AI Healthcare ‘tsunami coming’ that will benefit all. Data currently has the biggest part to play in healthcare providing the chance to revolutionise current healthcare systems.

AI Nurse

Google’s Deepmind Health project mines medical records to provide faster and more detailed records.

IBM Watson is working with oncologists to create treatment plans using data from clinical notes and combining that with research, data and clinical expertise. IBM’s Medical Sieve algorithm analyses radiology images to detect issues faster and more reliably.

The new Babylon app hopes to decrease doctors waiting times by giving medical AI consultations combining a person’s medical history, medical knowledge and a database of diseases using speech recognition. It can also remind patients to take their medication.

Molly is a new virtual nurse which supports patients with chronic diseases in between doctor’s visits.

AiCure checks if patients are taking their medicine and helps them manage their conditions.

Deep Genomics looks for mutations and linkages to disease using genetic and medical data and hopes to predict what will happen when DNA is altered.

Human Longevity offers genome sequencing alongside body scans and checkups to spot diseases in their very early stages.

Atomwise use AI to find existing drugs that could be used for other conditions, therefore, speeding up and reducing costs and potentially avoiding future pandemics.

Berg Health mines data to analyse why some people are insusceptible to certain diseases to help current treatments and discover new drugs.

The future certainly looks bright – but have you started to notice the changes in everyday life that are already impacting our lives?

Is technology the bringer of great peril?

“You cannot wait until a house burns down to buy fire insurance on it. We cannot wait until there are massive dislocations in our society to prepare for the Fourth Industrial Revolution.”

Robert J. Shiller, 2013 Nobel laureate in economics, Yale University

Throughout the globe transportation, communication and education have all improved through high tech. With every improvement, however, there are negative consequences such as resource depletion, increased population and pollution.

In our more mundane everyday activities digital technology is already changing our lives. Many of us are already suffering from distraction, narcissism, expectation of instant gratification, depression, depleted vision and hearing, neck strain and lack of sleep. The National Sleep Foundation found 95% of people when surveyed used electronic devices before sleep and this can cause issues for our overall wellbeing.

We are becoming less dependent now on our memory and more on Google but often feeling that we’re suffering from information overload. If we don’t ‘use our brains’ will we lose our capability to think effectively? Or will we adapt in a different way?

When examining brain scans of frequent internet and mobile users vs occasional users there was twice as much activity in the short term memory and quick decision making area. We are learning to skim where there is too much information. Does that mean that we are becoming shallow thinkers or does it mean our ability to decipher information is actually becoming more efficient?

Technology will affect our jobs

I attended a LinkedIn conference recently on the use of insight and data in recruitment and the potential for AI.

The recruitment landscape is changing rapidly and the McKinsey Global Institute estimates that 46% of the activities in Europe’s top five economies are already susceptible to automation – not in the near future, but right now.

This will affect all of us in some way and we need to be prepared for the shift towards even more hi tech based skills. There aren’t enough key digital workers or software developers already in many countries and this situation will only be exacerbated as the years go by. We may need a future full of coders or at the very least software that professionals can use that removes the need to code.

It wasn’t the AI potential or recruitment issues that grabbed my attention at the conference, however. It was a speech by Baroness Sarah Greenfield, a leading neurologist.

How neuroscientists see our future

Sarah used her neuroscience background to look at what could be happening to many of us in the modern digital age. She thinks that with so many of us obsessed with social media, search engines, mobile apps and gaming that we are actually losing our identity as human beings. We are lacking the enriched environment that creates increased neural connections in the brain and that the average person in the future may behave more like a 3 year old. That alarmist sentence certainly grabbed my attention.

She likened the lack of an interesting life full of different experiences to that of someone with Dementia where someone loses brain connections and doesn’t have a frame of reference (rather like a small child). In other words, their identity is missing, they have short attention spans and demand that needs be satisfied instantly.

Social Networking issues

With conversations taking place more online and less so face-to-face with no opportunity for eye contact or emotions, the true sense of someone’s identity could be slowly eroded. Words are normally only 10% of the total impact of a face-to-face conversation. Are we lacking 90% of normal interaction on Social Media? Do we rely on emojis to perceive emotion now?

Gambling

Gaming rather than reading

Sarah stated that the move away from reading to video game playing was concerning. Reading allows you to have a deep ‘relationship’ with the characters where you become the character in a way that isn’t really possible in video games.

Are gamers similar to gamblers?

Sarah showed us brain scans of gamers vs gamblers and how the Dopamine pathways were very similar and that damaged dopamine can lead to taking greater risks. The thrill of the moment when playing a game or gambling can override the consequences with the senses overtaking cognitive thought. Is our use of social media, the internet and apps reducing us to a society who is constantly craving stimulation, trying to achieve a Dopamine high, only living in the here and now and being driven by our feelings rather than serious thought?

I considered the level of gaming, social media and relentless Google searching via mobile throughout my family and pondered the consequences.

I can already see my children and all of their friends being taken over by gaming. They don’t talk about much else and seem to be totally ruled by it. Then my own usage is much higher than I would like. I work with Social Media and it is hard to avoid but I am certainly far too dependent on it.

I started delving into whether Sarah Greenfield’s comments are absolutely on the button. The scientific community have issues with some of her statements which need more proof rather than just hypothesis So I looked for further evidence as I’m sure that much of this is true to a certain extent as I see it every day with people stumbling through life joined to their mobiles and children not going out to play in the way they used to.

Facebook likes

So many of us use Facebook. The ‘Like’ button is acknowledged to be the same as receiving a little reward. Users gamble when they do something on Facebook – will we get a Like or be ignored? We’re all subconsciously looking for positive feedback and confirmation, and yes it is addictive. Social Media has become a digital drug that has taken over our culture.

And does heavy Social Media usage actually make you feel good? A study in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology found that Facebook and depressive symptoms go hand in hand. “Social comparison” is what links Facebook time and depressive symptoms together. Thinking that your friends are having a better time than you. It suggests that users need to post a balance of good and bad. I’ve been sucked in by this but on reflection if I’m having a great time I’m not thinking of Facebook. I see people at gigs filming the whole night but feel that they’re actually missing the chance to immerse themselves in the atmosphere (whilst I’m dancing like a woman possessed)

It’s not just Social Media, however – there’s the apps. I hang my head in shame at using Candy Crush as a Mum gamer years ago. But it didn’t stop there – I became a master of Sim City and then Fallout Shelter and realised I had better stop when my kids started asking me for mobile app tips #parentingfail. I watch Netflix on my mobile in the bath, I’m always checking Social Media for work and communicating with people in sports/community groups that I need to be on top of. It’s a mixture of positive and negative – I am reminded of what I need to do, could be doing, should be doing – but its constant. I even get mobile app reminders telling me to meditate! Oh the irony.

Tired mobile

Scott Levin, a Director of the US Family Medicine Residency Program, thinks that parents are so focused on their children’s screen time that they forget about their own usage. “If we’re not aware, as parents, of what we’re modeling for our kids, then there are high prices to pay”.

69% of parents and 78% of teens check their mobiles at least hourly.

(Common Sense Media)

So why do we get so drawn into games and mobile apps? Even Mums? I even know a Grandmother who played Candy Crush throughout the night.

Game designers call it ‘juice’ – the feedback or reward that you get from playing a game. Candy Crush plays sounds, flashes brightly and praises you in a strangely deep voice and apparently we like that – a bit much.

Juice is intended to join the gaming and real worlds together. The opportunities for Juice in virtual reality (VR) technology are even greater where the user is in an immersive environment and the juice might even be multisensory soon to include touch, hearing and smell.

Is the future of some of us going to be one of a VR life rather than a real one? If the VR life appears better than your own will users start removing themselves from normal society and living in this VR world?

Can gaming really be addictive?

Researchers have studied the psychological rewards of video games vs gambling vs drug use for over 20 years. They’ve compared the brain’s dopamine pathway (the pleasure part) but we still don’t know whether uncontrollable video game playing is an addiction on its own terms or just a symptom of deeper problems such as depression or anxiety.

New technologies are often blamed for compulsive behaviour when depression and social anxiety are the true culprits. “When you don’t know how to fix that and create opportunities for yourself, you feel helpless. Why not play video games?” (Video Game Researcher, Nick Yee)

What can we do to prevent digital technology impacting our lives negatively?

Sarah Greenfield recommends that we apply a little risk management to our lives and ensure that we are living real lives and not just digital ones. Her advice probably resonates with most as it is standard advice given by mothers throughout recent times. But it is probably more important now than ever.

Go and exercise

– make new brain cells, give yourself time to free your mind

Interact with nature

Sit down and share a meal with someone

– talk to them – share stories and experiences

Do something creative

– be an individual!

Cycling

Harness your individuality and don’t miss out on real life

The UK is known for its creative industries and if we allow our creativity to slide and become an unthinking population of 3 year olds what do we have left?

Is this absolutely true for everyone? How do you become a brilliantly creative games designer without being fairly gaming obsessed? Are our software developers all devoid of cognitive thought? Of course not.

Our world is changing, and our brains are adapting to that new world. Good analysis and research looking at the co-evolution of mind and society can only be a good thing.

Is technology a bringer of great promise or great peril?

It seems to be both but it doesn’t have to be that way. We can reduce the potential peril by researching the effect digital technology is having and taking steps to counteract it. We can put heavy checks and balances into what is being developed and how. The overarching concern may be whether that will happen if the real power behind society lies with the huge technology companies.

Source by Bil Ouazzani

The post Is Technology a Bringer of Great Promise or Great Peril? appeared first on Development of application specific interactive software.

from Igot Apps https://igotapps.com/is-technology-a-bringer-of-great-promise-or-great-peril/

[bakurapika]

whiggitymacabee replied to your post

“i’m such a hypocrite i wonder why people get so defensive over their...”

i wanna hear more about the ocd tho

ok!!! so i’ll start off with the disclaimer that this is my own opinion as a person with ocd and some psych education, but it’s by no means actually definitive

and with ocd specifically, symptoms tend to vary from person to person--it’s more about a cluster of symptoms than a checklist that leads to a single definite diagnosis. it’s also relatively common to have ocd and related disorders (like trichotillomania [obsessive hair pulling], eating disorders, depression, and other mental disorders where you get stuck in a negative thought loop or perform rituals) comorbidly, when they happen at the same time to the same person. 

I’m mostly gonna be pointing out stuff that looks familiar to me and is usually associated with ocd; it’s not enough to diagnose anna, especially since I’m not a doctor

and a quick definition for those unfamiliar with it: obsessive-compulsive disorder (ocd) is loosely defined as a series of obsessions and compulsions. actual official diagnosis criteria is here. I’ll be copy and pasting parts of it and bolding relevant bits for emphasis.

Obsessions are recurrent intrusive thoughts that make a person upset--a classic example would be “Did I lock the door before I left home? I’m pretty sure I turned the knob, but I’m not positive. If I didn’t lock the house, someone could break in. I can’t get any work done or think about anything else until I know if I locked the door.” 

Compulsions are repetitive behaviors or thoughts that a person performs, usually to get rid of or alleviate the distress from their obsession, in a way that’s more extreme or done more often than would be healthy. A compulsion might be going back to your house over and over, turning the knob, leaving for work, and then going back home to triple-check the door lock.

Anna’s setting is one before these diagnostic criteria were identified, but that doesn’t mean that she can’t have ocd--it just might have been called something different, or gone unnoticed/untreated indefinitely.

and i’m basing this off of the ongoing Over the Garden Wall series, not just the oneshot where we see Anna as a kid. ok? ok!

Anna’s single most recognizable and defining character trait is the way she recites her couplets. Originally, she uses them as a mnemonic the way her mother taught her: an easy way to remember the various rules and dangers of living in the forest. But soon they morph into something else. Anna writes and recites these poems to herself for comfort. 

We don’t see her repeat the same poem multiple times, but in my subjective reading of the comic, it seems likely that she does repeat them off-screen. As mnemonics, they’re not meant to be said once and forgotten, after all. 

This definitely could be a compulsion of hers of a mental sort, with the definition of compulsions from the link above being:

Repetitive behaviors (e.g., hand washing, ordering, checking) or mental acts (e.g., praying, counting, repeating words silently) that the individual feels driven to perform in response to an obsession or according to rules that must be applied rigidly.

The behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing or reducing anxiety or distress, or preventing some dreaded event or situation; however, these behaviors or mental acts are not connected in a realistic way with what they are designed to neutralize or prevent, or are clearly excessive.

This line especially is what convinced me that Anna represents a person with OCD. OCD is made of arbitrary rules that a person follows to ward off disaster. 

Repetitive behaviors (e.g., hand washing, ordering, checking) or mental acts (e.g., praying, counting, repeating words silently) that the individual feels driven to perform in response to an obsession or according to rules that must be applied rigidly.

The behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing or reducing anxiety or distress, or preventing some dreaded event or situation; however, these behaviors or mental acts are not connected in a realistic way with what they are designed to neutralize or prevent, or are clearly excessive.

SHE EVEN CALLS THEM “RITUALS” FFS.

Another trait classically associated with ocd is the counting compulsion. A counting compulsion is when a person’s OCD rituals involve numbers--for me, I have to mentally count stairs when I go up or down them. A lot of people with ocd have a specific “lucky number” that they use--for example, if they turn around one time, they’d have to turn around three times for it to feel “right.” (This is related to a symmetry compulsion, where if they turn left, for example, they’d have to turn right as well, in order to feel “balanced” and “symmetrical.”) 

Anna writing her name three times at the end of her rules list makes no sense to me unless she’s doing it to make her list feel “right,” “balanced,” or “lucky” by using her lucky number 3.

This one’s not a classic ocd symptom, just a #relatableocdthing to me. If your brain makes your life dictated by arbitrary laws, you learn very quickly to become a sneaky lawyer.

I’m iffy about including the page above, but I think it should be discussed anyway. OCD is often related to hoarding, where a person collects useless objects and get anxious about the thought of throwing them away.

Hoarding disorder symptoms focus exclusively on the persistent difficulty discarding or parting with possessions, marked distress associated with discarding items, and excessive accumulation of objects. However, if an individual has obsessions that are typical of OCD (e.g., concerns about incompleteness or harm), and these obsessions lead to compulsive hoarding behaviors (e.g., acquiring all objects in a set to attain a sense of completeness or not discarding old newspapers because they may contain information that could prevent harm), a diagnosis of OCD should be given instead.

The panel above does not demonstrate a classic case of hoarding. Anna’s repurposing an object that she broke, turning it into something useful. This isn’t evidence that she hoards. 

But, I feel like this solution (and her repeated distress over her cup-breaking habit) would come more naturally to someone who gets anxious over the idea of throwing away objects even if they’re broken. 

More arbitrary rules Anna’s creating to alleviate distress.

Now this one’s also pretty subjective and not a symptom in itself, but Anna’s interactions with Jordan are interesting. She leaves the social situation quickly (despite constantly complaining of her loneliness) and later admits (above) that she left because of unjustifiable worries of Jordan’s trustworthiness.

OCD is associated with reduced quality of life as well as high levels of social and occupational impairment. Impairment occurs across many different domains of life and is associated with symptom severity. Impairment can be caused by the time spent obsessing and doing compulsions. Avoidance of situations that can trigger obsessions or compulsions can also severely restrict functioning. In addition, specific symptoms can create specific obstacles..... When the disorder starts in childhood or adolescence, individuals may experience developmental difficulties. For example, adolescents may avoid socializing with peers; young adults may struggle when they leave home to live independently. The result can be few significant relationships outside the family and a lack of autonomy and financial independence from their family of origin.

I’ll be honest though-- this is pretty clearly inherited from the Woodsman himself. He had clearly portrayed anxiety issues when Anna was growing up as well as some paranoid tendencies (leading to what you could argue was a case of agoraphobia or something related to it), but I wouldn’t say the Woodsman had ocd. However, ocd is considered highly heritable, and there’s evidence that a family member with a non-ocd anxiety disorder may increase a person’s risk factor for developing ocd.

I’ve gotta go to work now, so let me sum it up:

I don’t think all of Anna’s actions are dictated by having obsessive-compulsive disorder. She’s missing some of the most famous symptoms (specifically, preoccupation with religious rules or an obsession with cleanliness). But I think there’s more than enough evidence to support an interpretation of her character as a person that, in modern day, could be diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

[sleepdrunksecrets]

This started as four or five different ramblings that I have tried to cobble together and they are not as eloquent as I would like nor as concise as I would like. But there’s something about the stuttering, uncertain cadence that feels truer than if I pared this down. Also I’m lazy and have been working on this for, like, a month. So.

tl;dr I developed a crush?, a friend from college shook me, I feel selfish, and I’m terrified about all of it.

So three years ago I came to the conclusion that I was asexual. It wasn’t until about two months ago that I realized that I fell somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. About this time I developed what I can only imagine is a crush which complicated my aromantic-spectrum self-discovery. Suddenly nothing seemed certain. I wanted to look this person up on the internet; I didn’t know how aromantic I was anymore; I felt nervous and awkward and creepy because of the feelings I had developed seemingly out of nowhere for this person.

It occurred to me that I could ignore all of this and just not care; I could decide to just walk away from this and never try to understand it. And I don't think that would be terrible. But I'm also fascinated by this as well as terrified by it. And it is consuming me and I don't think being consumed by it is a good thing. I hope that by writing this all out I'll work through it and understand it and come out the other side a more thoughtful and aware person. And I guess at the root of things I want reassurance that this is maybe not normal but certainly okay. And I want validation that this is scary, that rarely if ever experiencing crushes is a thing and that when I do experience them it is okay to be scared.

I remember choosing people to have crushes on in high school. I would choose a crush just to have an answer when friends would ask. But I distinctly chose them. I would observe and evaluate and pick them based on aesthetic and personality and behavior and sense of humor and hobbies. I didn't develop feelings for these people I picked them to have an answer to a question. Like when a teacher sets an essay. Maybe you have to write about how something was influenced by WWI. And some people know that they want to write about how WWI changed fashion or how it changed the political state of the US or how it shaped the depression but some kids just say "this topic suggested on the rubric seems alright. That's my topic, I guess." I don't know that I ever experienced a genuine crush in highschool, that I ever just knew what topic my WWI essay would be on. I still don’t know if I’ve experienced a genuine crush. But I'm also not sure that I entirely understand what a genuine crush is.

I mean how can you really define a crush? I've read people try to describe them. I've tried to figure out what the difference is between romantic love and platonic love. All I do know is that something felt different about this recent attachment I’ve developed. And part of the frustration is that I developed these feelings - romantic attraction or not - on a fictional character.

Really though. Who doesn’t love Cisco Ramon from The Flash? Grant Gustin is cute and all but I just want to punch Barry Allen in the face. But Cisco. Anyway.

The damning first sentences of an article on TheAnatomyOfLove.com are "Love is involuntary. Brain science tells us it's a drive like thirst." (I assume that they were, of course, speaking about romantic love.) They also included a quiz; 'Are you in love? Take this passionate love quiz to find out!' It included questions like "I have an endless appetite for affection from _____." And filling in that blank with Cisco Ramon made me feel really weird. My total score was 59 (average score 106-135) and they classified it as 'Tepid, infrequent passion.'

So… Is that a crush? Is that a crush for an ace, demi-romantic person?

The article went on to talk about "the overall hypothesis" or that romance is one of three basic brain systems that evolved for mating and reproduction. 1. Sex drive/lust. 2. Romantic love/attraction. 3. Attachment. And of all of those attachment - "the feeling of deep union with a long-term partner" - is what I want. "Evolved to enable you to remain with a mate at least long enough to rear a single child through infancy together as a team - although many of us remain together much longer, and enjoy the benefits of life with a partner even when there is no goal to have children." BLESS.

So maybe I am feeling the first inklings of romantic attraction but I am terrified of letting that develop into something stronger. Which makes sense to me. For a long time I've been terrified of passion (that's another essay though). I'm terrified of seeing a gif of Cisco Ramon and dissolving into fits of unfulfillable wants and wishes. I don't want to be so enamored with a person - especially such an impossible-to-ever-meet--despite-what-movies-would-like-me-to-believe person. And so I watch The Flash fairly slowly (for me), I rarely search out Cisco gifs, I don't google him. I'm trying to starve it out of me if that makes sense, I’m trying to keep the desire tolerable. And I don't think I'm thirsting after Cisco Ramon?

Part of what makes this more uncomfortable is that Cisco Ramon is portrayed by a real person: Carlos Valdez. It is terrifying to me that I can stalk this person. Because that's how it feels. Creepy and obsessive and stalkery and gross. Because it's not just Cisco that I love - I love Carlos Valdez's portrayal of him. With a character in a book I can imagine more stories and meet-cutes and things like that but when it comes to Cisco I am imagining them onto a non-consenting, real human. And that's so uncomfortable to me. I want so snuggle on a couch and watch movies with Cisco Ramon and talk about how cool it would be to have textile-based metahuman powers and walk through the streets holding Carlos Valdez's - I mean Cisco Ramon’s hand but this is a real person who never agreed to be imagined in these ways.

I feel so incredibly uncomfortable fawning over a real person for fictional reasons.

For right now it is this terrifying attachment to a fictional character and the actor who portrays them and I can't tell how much of it is my projection of wants and desires and how much of it is just a thing that most people experience all the time. I don't know how much of this started as me saying 'pick a favorite character' and cultivating an attraction and using it to relate to friends and garner sympathy and how much of it was 'I find Carlos Valdez aesthetically pleasing and admire and respect and would like to form a relationship with Cisco Ramon.'

I feel so creepy and I'm so scared that I developed this attachment or the purpose of having a fav as a point of reference and interaction with my friends. And maybe that naturally transitioned into romantic attraction or sensual attraction or something and if that’s the case then I'm terrified that I can pick who I fall in love with. More than partially because society (and science) has said that we can't control who we fall in love with, we don't have any say in how we feel romantically about people.

All I know is that this (what I am calling a crush) feels new to me or at least unusual and it is strange and different and somehow more unavoidable than previous, ‘curated’ crushes? But I'm also worried that it's just more of the same and that what I am calling a crush is just what high school me did - constructed an attachment to a certain person based on aesthetics, personality, and behavior in an effort to feel normal and fit in. And I can't tell how much of this is my imagination and how much of this is natural, human attraction. What portion of it is fueled by my own selfish desires and what portion is a subconscious/unconscious... Reflex for lack of a better word. Thirst. What part of it is me deciding to extend my knee and what part of it is my knee extending because it has been acted upon by an outside force like a mallet at the doctor's office?

So when I was younger I really, really wanted a boyfriend. And I thought I wanted a boyfriend for noble reasons because what I wanted was companionship. Though I wouldn't have put it so concisely back then. And I think this is why I said yes to every boy that asked me out (all three of them). I was entering romantic relationships and expecting companionship would grow out of it.

The last romantic relationship I had was when I was fifteen. I dated a boy (let’s call him Taylor) for the first semester of 10th grade. During that relationship I calmly and almost coldly logicked my way into saying “I love you.” He said it first and I remember sitting there and thinking 'I want to say it back but I also want it to be true. Do I love him? Do I care for him? What is love?' It was this thing that I had to justify, had to back up with evidence and supporting documentation not something I just FELT. Towards the end of our relationship Taylor started pressuring me to sleep with him. And while many of my memories are sour and sad I also remember him coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around me while baking Christmas cookies at my grandma's house. When he did break up with me I believed so firmly that he did so because he wanted to have sex with me and I refused. It felt like he didn't find me loveable, he didn't find me worthy of a romantic relationship, companionship, any relationship unless he got sex out of it. And I realize now that some of that is on his values being different from mine but it didn’t help my self-esteem. I’m still realizing just how much that relationship, that breakup negatively affected me. With ten years of hindsight and selective memory loss I can’t say with certainty why Taylor broke up with me. But whether or not it’s the truth believing that he broke up with me because I wouldn’t sleep with him is what I needed to be true in order to cope.

I'm afraid of opening myself up to that heartbreak and humiliation again. Because now that I’ve typed it I feel the truth in it. I did feel humiliated by him breaking up with me. (Also the other two boys I dated. But again that’s another essay.)

It took a few years after that disaster but then it was really easy to be happy being single and not having any crushes. But developing these feelings, developing what I’m calling a crush sort of highlights everything that not being single could mean. It makes me wonder and question and imagine all those sweet, precious moments that a romantic relationship could bring. And that's what is maybe the scariest about this. Because having a crush and acknowledging it is acknowledging that I want something more - even if it is only sometimes or rarely. It feels so, so much lonelier than not having a crush at all. Because it makes me want something and then I question it and I doubt it and I contemplate it and I hate myself so much for it. Because I am not what society considers an attractive person, I am not a desirable person, I am not a selfless, loving, kind person. And the fact that the chances of meeting Cisco Ramon are none and the chances of meeting Carlos Valdes are slim to none also contributes to the loneliness/hopelessness..

Having a crush is so scary because I thought I knew all these things about myself and I thought I was happy and content and having a crush makes me feel hollow somehow. Less complete. Which I know is wrong and giving into wrong stereotypes and I hate that. It feels like there is something bigger than I am that I want but can't have. Interpersonal relationships are so hard. I can buy pens, I can travel the world, I can dye my hair. But I can't make someone love me. I can't make someone care for me. And having a crush is acknowledging that I want someone to. And it sucks.

This whole journey, this whole essay was born from the desire to be honest with myself. But it's so scary to let yourself feel things. If you don't feel things then you can never be disappointed, you can never be deceived by your feelings. If I don't let myself feel crushes, if I tell myself I don't then I am less likely to be hurt. But I want to be honest with myself and with other people.  

So after my disastrous 10th grade relationship with Taylor I didn’t date anyone else. And no one really asked. In college I was friends with this one guy (we’ll call him Dan) who, after I graduated, messaged me and told me that he really liked me but never asked me out because I deserved better. And that hurt so much because he was putting his feelings of inadequacy above any feelings I might have. And two and a half weeks ago (three years after he told me this), in a weird fit of honesty, I confronted him about it. I told him how much it sucked. And he gently informed me that he believed it was a misunderstanding. That he had tried to ask me out multiple times but in discussing potential relationships I said something that was interpreted as he wasn’t good enough for me. This blew my mind because I had not once realized he was attempting to ask me out. For years I had operated under the assumption that no one had found me desirable in any sense since Taylor. And in one incredible, heartfelt conversation Dan ruined that. I’m still reeling.

This whole journey has been about understanding myself and being honest with myself. And I'm so scared that that might mean admitting that maybe I do like Dan? That I do want to see him again, snuggle, watch stupid tv on the couch together. And then part of me is wondering how true these feelings are and how much of them are my desire for companionship latching onto someone who at one point was apparently willing to pursue that kind of relationship the same way I said yes to all three boys who asked me out (and I understood that they were asking me out).

That's why potentially feeling something for Dan is so scary. Because it's too convenient (despite the fact that he's currently dating someone). He liked me and so now if I like him I feel like it's easy, it's requited. It's everything my other romantic relationships were. I'm afraid of having a crush on someone because I never know if I like them because I like them or because they liked me and I liked being liked. It's that great White Collar moment where Elle Burke says "there's a difference between loving the idea of someone and actually loving who they really are." And that's what scares me about not experiencing crushes in general. I feel like I don't have that indicator that I like someone. I just like that they like me. And that's what makes learning that Dan really liked me in college so utterly terrifying. Because I don’t know how it's changed the way I feel romantically about him.

Is Dan just convenient or did I ever actually feel something different than platonic affection for him? I’m trying to figure out what feelings stem from my desire for companionship and what feelings stem from genuine attraction. I'm so, so, SO afraid of inferring romantic attraction where there is none.

I don't want to be the girl who wants a romantic relationship just to be in a romantic relationship. Because I did that. Three times. And they all ended horribly. I'm scared of my feelings, of not being able to find the line between my general desire for companionship and a specific desire for a romantic relationship with a specific person. I'm scared that any romantic relationship I'd pursue would be pursued for companionship not to test waters or get to know another person. I'm afraid that requited romantic attraction will open up the way for 15-year-old me to sink her fingers into the relationship and tear it apart looking for companionship only to find disappointment yet again.

I'm not sure that I'll ever know where the line is between my general desire for companionship and specific desire for a relationship with a specific person. And I think the fact that I am aware of it now, that I've had the epiphany that I don't want to enter into a romantic relationship just to be in a romantic relationship… I think that my awareness is all I can really hope for, all I can realistically expect.

I'm afraid of how high my expectations are. And I'm afraid of how far I'm willing to fall before deciding enough is enough.

I’m writing this, working through it because I want to be honest with myself. So let's do that. Do I like Dan? I feel like I might have the beginnings of a crush on Dan. But I also feel like those feelings could easily be born out of learning that he tried to ask me out multiple times in college. And I don't know which it is. And that's scary. And that's okay. (It also doesn't hurt that he's currently dating someone and I live pretty far away and these feelings don't need to be fully explored and evaluated any time soon.)

As you might be able to tell I'm trying to process a lot. I'm trying to understand myself and how I relate to other people and it's slow going. I want to work through it, I want to understand. But I'm also afraid of what I'm going to learn. I ran across a tumblr post recently about how the idea of fake gamer girls is a crutch for geeky boys - it gives them a shield, protects them from having to face the fact that they are just scummy people and that is why they feel/are rejected. And I worry that maybe I use asexuality but far more so identifying as demi-romantic as a shield, an excuse to say 'I don't date because I'm happy single' rather than entertaining the idea that I haven't experienced a crush or been asked out because I'm a bad person or selfish for wanting companionship (maybe even romance) without sex. I'm still working through this, still trying to balance being honest with myself with painting myself as a victim. I’m still trying to embrace that my wants aren't inherently bad. And it's really hard.

I would like to think that someday I could be not-single if I wanted to but then I think maybe I’m single because something inside of me is broken, because I’m broken. Somehow this is much more painful to me than being Ace. Because I don't want sex and I really don't want children. But I DO want companionship and that is most socially acceptable/stable if it is romantic companionship. Marriage is for life but marriage is also inherently this ROMANTIC (if not sexual) thing. I want that easy togetherness and kind-hearted teasing that comes with long term companionship. And I feel selfish for wanting that and feel like it would be so, so cruel to put another person through a potential romantic relationship with me when I don’t want kids, am fairly certain I don’t want sex, maybe don’t want romance at all but maybe kind of do. I still want another person to decide that I am their priority person in life, the person who kind of comes first.

How do you ask another person to come along for the ride when you don't know where you want to go, how you're going to get there, whether or not you're going to bail out partway through? How do you ask someone to sacrifice their life just so you can figure out yours?

[sjphotosphere]

(Super-Saving For An Early Retirement, Part 2: Lessons Learned) [Editor’s Note: This is a lengthy guest post written by a long-time physician reader and his physician wife who wish to remain anonymous. We have no financial relationship.] In August 2015, WCI published my guest post, Super Saving For An Early Retirement. When I first contacted the godfather of physician personal finance with my idea for that post, my motivation was to give something back to him and the blog community from which I’ve taken so much. For a “fluff piece” without much number-crunching meat, it seemed to strike a chord among readers as judged by the amount of interaction in the comments section. It wasn’t a death-metal power-chord like when WCI takes whole life insurance salesmen to task, but it was a chord nonetheless. In any case, the post-guest post outcome was unexpected: I gained way more than I gave. I intended to show unsophisticated investors (like me) that a high savings rate can compensate for lack of knowledge; you don’t have to understand that much about the financial industry to do a credible job of preparing for early retirement. What I didn’t anticipate was the impact that your (WCI’s minions’) collective wisdom in the comments section would have on me. While there were plenty of comments about the topic of super-saving, readers also took the conversation in surprising directions that forced me to ask, “What the heck am I doing with my life?” Lessons Learned With that preamble, the lessons I have learned: #1 Change Your Job Now If you spend much of each day in low-level burnout, fantasizing about giving Admin the middle-finger salute while walking out the door for the last time, perhaps you should change something now. My wife (also a physician, remember) and I were so laser-focused on an imaginary finish-line that we had come to accept the “suck” as part of our lives, as if we had no power to control it. As we learned to endure the suck, it continued to fuel our desire to leave it all behind. Sure, it seems obvious that disliking your job will be a powerful motivator for achieving early retirement. But when the onset of burnout is insidious, you don’t necessarily have an “a-ha” moment in which perspective is gained and the path to improving your current situation becomes clear. However, when one WCI commenter after another hammers away at your sense of powerlessness, suggesting that you can make changes, it helps jump start the process of introspection. PsychMD was one of the first commenters to point out how I might work on my happiness now: “If I was in such a position, I’d tap into that young, naive, idealistic person I was before I started medical school, and try to make those dreams a reality…so I could have more of those rewarding moments.” Then John hit me broadside with: “I am way behind you in terms of retirement but I can tell you I feel so much richer than you because I love coming to work everyday. I mean it is work sometimes but I love it.” He followed that up with a highly applicable anecdote: “I have a friend who was 41 when he looked at his portfolio and saw he had enough, so he reduced his patient time in half and started helping the hospital with the business/leadership side of things. He took a big pay cut but he slowed down and gets a lot out of his new job.” This unleashed a torrent of similar comments that really resonated with me. Thinking about making some changes yourself? The Happy Philosopher has an entertaining, insightful blog dedicated to his journey in this realm. #2: Pulling The Trigger Is Complicated One of the frequent suggestions in the comments on my last post was to cut back my hours at work. With our accumulated assets, that would appear to be a no-brainer, right? Um, not so much. First, we had been obsessing for years over the concept of reaching the “finish line.” I used to play regularly with different online retirement calculators, getting a little endorphin rush every time one calculator’s projections for a successful, even earlier retirement (portfolio lasts 50+ years) were verified by another. Cutting back at work would mean either extending our careers or decreasing our projected yearly spend in retirement. Let’s start with extending our careers. My wife was not, and still isn’t, burned out to the same extent as I. Nonetheless, she is quite looking forward to the day when she can pack it all in. To her, medicine is a job; her identity is not wrapped up in being a doctor. Most days, she doesn’t mind her job too much, but she would never say she loves it (although she does love getting paid a lot for what she considers a relatively easy specialty). If asked the age-old question of “What would you do if you won the lottery tomorrow?” she’d probably say, “Quit my job.” Platinum Level Scholarship Sponsor Now, my turn. The idea of extending my career was tough to wrap my mind around, because it was hard to imagine the job getting that much better after cutting back. My brain just couldn’t seem to process that working less might have a profound impact on my perception of work-life, and that I might appreciate greater career longevity. Which is funny, in retrospect, because my identity is wrapped up in being a physician, and I view medicine somewhere on the spectrum between “calling” and “job,” but closer to calling. So wouldn’t I derive more personal satisfaction from continuing to be engaged in my calling for a longer period of time, if I could make the job more enjoyable? Not only that, but there’s the practical consideration of a kid who has nine more years until graduation from high school, so it’s not like we have the option of taking off for parts unknown for more than 1-2 weeks at a time during the school year. If I’m going to be in town, then it would be lovely to fulfill my mission of helping people while being well-compensated and happier. Next, I’ll address the idea of decreasing our projected yearly spend in retirement. Total nonstarter. As I’ve said before, we were fairly frugal for a very long time, – living like medical students for years – not upgrading to living like residents until several years after completion of our fellowships. For us, an important component of retirement will be reaping the benefit of all that saving done early in our careers, and this will lead to spending a bunch of money. Just like WCI has inflated his lifestyle to include a killer wakeboat and what seems like q.o.week canyoneering/mountaineering/camping excursions, we have become accustomed to frequent vacations at beautiful VRBO rental homes in exotic locales. Although we do much of our own cooking on vacation, we also enjoy dining out at (sometimes) expensive restaurants. In retirement, we expect to travel even more frequently and for longer periods of time. While some of this will surely involve camping, which we love, I would guess that 80% of our yearly travel won’t include sleeping under the stars or staying at hostels. For the past two years, our per-year spend has been just over 100k. Figuring in extra spending for more travel plus taxes, we’d like to have 150-200k/year in retirement. Physician on FIRE, who projects needing 1/3 that amount, just had a heart attack, folks. Does anyone in the room know CPR? #3: Luck Is Not A Strategy Around the time I was ruminating over some of these issues, a buyout of our group practice started to morph from a possibility into a reality. By late 2015, we were presented with an offer that, if consummated, would result in a high six-figure payout to each partner. As my wife and I were both partners, this was very good news. After months of mental constipation, I started to lay the groundwork for cutting back at work. Astute readers may argue that I hadn’t internalized any valuable lesson, seeing how it took the prospect of a massive infusion of cash (that we arguably didn’t need to achieve our goals) to mobilize my cutback effort. I agree that I’d have a more credible claim to enlightenment if I had taken concrete steps prior to the buyout news. I like to think that I would have eventually gotten to the same place without the buyout, but I admit the possibility I wouldn’t have. Hopefully, my thought process about cutting back and my experience with it since implementation will resonate with others on the fence, motivating you to take action more expeditiously. So luck is not a strategy, but it can motivate you to make the changes you should have made anyway. #4: Cutting Back Changed My Life…And Ticked Off My Wife Him: I’ll attempt to present this as balanced of a way as I can, ceding editorial power to my better half so you can rest assured that both sides of the story are told fairly. To put this in context, yes, the buyout deal happened, leading to obliteration of our outstanding student loan and mortgage debt, as well as a very large infusion of cash into our investment portfolio. I had identified my greatest pain point at work, which was the last few hours of each day. Not only was I mentally drained by that point, but after work I had a long drive to get our child and get home. We would often beat my wife home, so I would start cooking dinner as well. The cumulative effect of doing this for years was wearing on me, and it got worse when my daughter was districted to a school that was even farther away. After negotiating with my bosses, I was able to shave off the last couple of hours of office time each day. This addressed the mental exhaustion issue and allowed me to get out with enough time to pick my daughter up from our local bus stop, which is just a few minutes drive from home. I felt the effects of this change immediately. It was light outside when I got off work. I no longer felt beat up by the end of my day. Though I’ve always been good at making time for exercise, I could now exercise and do more stuff with my kid – it wasn’t one or the other. We enrolled our daughter in more after-school activities, to which I could now drive her and watch. On hot days over the summer, we might go stand-up paddle boarding in the late afternoon. I would cook a nutritious meal which would be on the table the moment my wife walked in the door. Homework was done. Kid was happy. Dad was happy. Everything is awesome! #Winning, right? Gold Level Scholarship Sponsor Wrong. After a few months of this new schedule, I started to sense a subtle hostility emanating off my wife. It wasn’t really overt, and I had no clue what was wrong, but I was certainly feeling under-valued and under-appreciated. In my clumsy, male way, I began to lobby for an “Atta boy!” from my wife, hoping that if I pointed out how great it was that I was taking care of our kid and home, she’d show me the love to which I’d become accustomed. Not only didn’t that have the intended effect, but it led to our first “come to Jesus talk” about our new situation. It turns out that I had completely misjudged the depth of my wife’s feelings about this next phase of our lives. Our marriage had always been 50-50 in just about every way, splitting almost all responsibilities down the middle. This wasn’t really a conscious choice; rather, it just kind of evolved that way. While I was aware of this balance, my wife expected this balance. I had naively assumed that picking up child and household duties would more than cover for her spending more time than me at the office. Apparently I was wrong. But the next part is what really shocked me. She was so jealous of my new schedule that, not only did she resent it, she felt that if anyone in this relationship should be enjoying a semi-retired lifestyle, it should be her! Her: I’m not sure why this really “shocked” my husband. I was the one who always wanted to be a Mom (ask him if he even wanted children before I forced the issue!). I was the one who felt like medicine is merely a paycheck, not a “calling.” So of course I was bitter that he was the one to cut his hours, not me! Some of the hostility was also fueled by times when I came home from a long day of work, saw the two of them looking all happy and relaxed, and then realizing after dinner that I still had to help with my daughter’s homework. Hey, if you’re going to cut your hours at work, then at least compensate by taking care of home-life! (To be fair, he has been doing a better job of this since we had our talk.) Him: It pains me to say that, for the first time, I felt like a better person than my wife (if you knew her, you’d probably assume that she’s nicer and more evolved than I – it’s ok, everyone else does). If our situations were reversed and she had cut back at work, I knew that I would be unconditionally happy for her. After discussing this with a couple of my male friends, I was convinced that on the scale of rightness, I scored at least 99%. Then I discussed this with a couple of my female friends (both married doctors) and I gained some perspective. While acknowledging that it’s not totally rational, my female friends counseled me that they don’t really want to feel like they’re doing the lion’s share of “bringing home the bacon.” Without wading too deep into old gender-role stereotypes, they could see how my wife wanted to feel taken care of by her man, in a more traditional sense. Her: This is true. When both of us worked full-time, I was making 25-30% more, which never really bothered me. But then he cut his hours, and that number went up another 5-10%. While his current salary is nothing to sneeze at, I view it as a big hit to our income. Him: I still thought this was a little crazy – despite understanding my wife a bit better – given the facts. One: the hit to my income was small in the grand scheme of things, as my hours weren’t cut as much as I had hoped. Two: we had just received a bolus of cash that had advanced our timeline to early retirement by several years. Three: we had previously discussed her cutting back at work and she had declined. Number three led to further emotionally charged discussions, in which she now stated that the only way she could manage her jealousy was to finally cut back her schedule, so we’d be “even.” I urged her to do so, as it was clear that the health of our relationship required it. Plus, we were on track to practically retire at-will, regardless of whether her salary was 10%, 20%, or even 50% less. Well, time has passed and she hasn’t made any changes to her schedule. She seems to have accepted our current situation for what it is, and she’s now batting around the idea of retiring at the end of her contract with our new parent company, in two years. But, if she’s still not that burned out, she may continue working, full or part time. Why the change of heart? Various reasons. She’s not that burned out. It’s logistically difficult to cut back in her department. Fear of “getting off the train” and not being able to get back on, should circumstances require it. Wanting to feel like she pushed hard to the end so she can feel good about quitting cold turkey while I continue to work. Anyway, her jealousy is currently manageable and the marriage is solid. Her: One more reason: fear of not having enough money in retirement, despite what he tells me. #5: Working Less Makes me a Better Person (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push(); Working less has made me a more engaged physician, a better father/husband, and a more introspective person. Jeff left an inspirational comment on my original guest post that turned out to be unbelievably prescient, as it sums up almost exactly what’s happened in my life: “…let’s focus on the beauty of working part time…You get to live a better lifestyle TODAY…Work 3 days a week, or shorter hours, or see less patients. Take less call. Think of what you could do with that time! …Whatever you want!!! You’d have time to make dinner, maybe not every night but much more than you do now. Likely you would find work to be less offensive and perhaps you rediscover that enjoyable, rewarding aspect again…life is too tragically short to be overly conservative. Don’t keep putting off your happiness just so you can “guarantee” you’ll have enough in retirement. Lots of adjustments can be made along the way if needed. Start to enjoy the freedoms you’ve definitely earned TODAY!” I touched on some of this earlier, but it goes deeper than just having more time at the end of the day. The downstream effects on my psyche from having this time have been myriad. I am happier to sit and chat with my patients, as I no longer feel like I have to ration my listening-energy to make it last all day. My fellow introverts know what I’m talking about – prolonged interpersonal engagement saps us of all available energy and empathy. Things that used to rile me up at work still bother me, but usually not to the same extent. I wouldn’t exactly say that I’m zen about all the nonsense in my organization, but I’m learning how to approach it more constructively. One thing about this new life that has surprised me is my focus on self-improvement. Many years ago, before I had a real job and a family, I remember being philosophical and way more introspective. For at least the last decade, I’ve just been busy. I’ve gotten really, really good at checking stuff off my to-do list. Unfortunately, the stuff that made it to my list was just what had to get done for daily life. The rest of me has been on autopilot for a long time. What would happen if you did almost no routine maintenance on your car for ten years? Maybe a Toyota would still seem to be running pretty well, but once you looked under the hood, you’d find some parts were about to break. I’m that Toyota. How I’ve gone about working on myself and changing the things I don’t like would take at least one more blog post, and I’m not sure anyone but me would be interested. Suffice it to say that, if you’re looking for personal improvement inspiration, I highly recommend subscribing to and combing through the archives of Tim Ferriss’ podcast and listening to whatever catches your eye. The collective wisdom there is brain-expanding and cannot be overstated. If you’re like my wife, however, and you just can’t sit through a 2-hour interview for a mere few brilliant nuggets, pick up a copy of his latest book, Tools of Titans, which is a high-yield compilation of all the tactics, routines, and habits of world-class performers. #6 Controlling Lifestyle Inflation Requires Constant Vigilance Sure, we have enough assets to retire whenever we’re ready. But not if our next ten years of spending follow the trajectory of the last ten, in which we’ve roughly doubled our yearly spend. There have been many great posts about this issue in the financial blogosphere, so I’ll simply share what I’ve found to be useful for reining it in. I now practice gratitude on a regular basis – a simple tool that helps me appreciate everything in my life. It also helps me couch things in terms of “I get to do this,” as opposed to “I have to do this.” I know it may sound like mental jiu-jitsu, but it does help shift perspective. The corollary to this is learning to want what you already have. When evaluating a potential purchase or other outlay of money, if I find myself saying, “We can afford it,” I pause and reflect. As WCI likes to say, high-income physicians can have anything they want, but not everything they want. I was shopping for a new jacket the other day and found two choices at the mall: a leather one for $250 ($500 before my 50% off Banana Republic coupon) or a faux-leather one for less than half that. They looked equally nice, and I’m not enough of a leather connoisseur to feel the difference. Call me a troglodyte, but I bought the fake one. #7 Other Things I Can Do With My Life (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push(); Having more time has allowed me to think about other things I can do with my life. Until I came up for air, I hadn’t thought much about what I’d do with the luxury of time. Now I’m working on launching a blog (in a genre unrelated to personal finance) of all things. If it turns into something substantial, I’ll monetize it. The point is, I never would have had the inspiration nor bandwidth prior to creating more time in my schedule. I have always enjoyed teaching, but having residents rotate through my private practice is challenging because productivity is valued over education. I’ve hosted them anyway, but it’s exhausting to give them a great experience while still churning through patients and closing charts. With a shorter day, I handle it much better, which has reinvigorated my love of teaching. In early retirement, I can see myself volunteering to staff the fellows’ clinic at our local academic institution. I took on a couple of malpractice cases as an expert witness this year and learned that I have an aptitude for it. I enjoyed working with the attorneys and teaching them, simultaneously feeling good about aiding in the defense of doctors who didn’t deserve to be sued. Oh, and the money was awesome. If I can leave you with one message, it is: don’t keep waiting for tomorrow to change your life – do it now. What do you think? Have you considered working part-time? What thoughts have you had about life change as you approach financial independence? Comment below! !function()function e()var e=document.createElement("script"),n=document.getElementById("myFinance-widget-script"),a=t+"static/widget/myFinance.js";e.type="text/javascript",e.async=!0,e.src=a,n.parentNode.insertBefore(e,n);var c="myFinance-widget-css";if(!document.getElementById(c))var d=document.getElementsByTagName("head")[0],i=document.createElement("link");i.id=c,i.rel="stylesheet",i.type="text/css",i.href=t+"static/widget/myFinance.css",i.media="all",d.appendChild(i)var t="http://ift.tt/2oFUowK";document.attachEvent?document.attachEvent("onreadystatechange",function()"complete"===document.readyState&&e()):document.addEventListener("DOMContentLoaded",e,!1)(); http://ift.tt/2qH1K3j

[bambamramfan]

Part 2: Time for the Other

Answering @jadagul​ on Alienation in Social Relationships

Okay this one is pretty long. But also really important.

J

This is the one I find most confusing, I think. But also most concerning.

A lot of people seem to write about the experience of being trapped in a system that obligates them to follow certain social norms that make them miserable. And my instinctive answer is always “then don’t do that? What do you care what other people think?”

Now sometimes that runs up against a certain sort of hard power; clearly you will care what other people think if they are credibly threatening violence against you. (Although I am sufficiently sheltered/privileged/oblivious to never have actually witnessed an act of violence, and thus to not alieve that violence actually happens, intellectually I’m aware that this is nonsense).

But most people seem to worry about being judged “by people”, as you wrote about eloquently a month ago. And this is a worry that I just don’t understand.

(My favorite story comes from a friend of mine, who was sitting in her cubicle one day drinking orange juice. And someone whom she had never seen before was walking by, and said “You shouldn’t drink orange juice. It will start your middle-aged spread.”

And I’d have a lot of issues with that interaction–starting from the fact that someone started a conversation with me when I was sitting alone minding my own business, moving through the unnecessary judginess, and possibly winding up at the fact that the criticism doesn’t even make that much sense. But my friend was really upset, and when I asked why, she said “I don’t want to stop drinking orange juice!”

I normally tell that story as a joke, with that last bit as the punchline. Becasue the link from “someone criticized me” to “I should change my behavior” just isn’t there in my head).

I think I tend to assume that if people think ill of me, that reflects badly on their judgment, and thus I don’t need to care what they think of me. It’s nice when a catch-22 works in my favor.

It also probably helps that I simultaneously am an introvert with low emotional bandwidth, and find it very easy to make friends. Not having enough close friends to spend time with isn’t a very real-feeling possibility to me, since at any given time I have more close friends than I can actually make time for.

Heh. I like your idea of a joke. It reminds me of one of Zizek’s favorite jokes:

A man who believes himself to be a kernel of grain is taken to a mental institution where the doctors do their best to convince him that he is not a kernel of grain but a man; however, when he is cured (convinced that he is not a kernel of grain but a man) and allowed to leave the hospital, he immediately comes back, trembling and very scared—there is a chicken outside the door, and he is afraid it will eat him. “My dear fellow,” says his doctor, “you know very well that you are not a kernel of grain but a man.” “Of course I know,” replies the patient, “but does the chicken?”

So I really respect that you only see “hard limits” as going so far in controlling our social interactions. It’s easy to tell a story where your boss cares about every social signal you show, or your parents have a lot of sway over your life so their opinion of you is one of material force. This is true for some people, but it’s very easy to exaggerate. So I’m glad when people can see how much freedom they really have.

But, as you note, people still feel very socially limited. Why is that?

Whenever we are worried when some vague, undifferentiated group of people may socially judge us, in psychoanalytic terms that is fear of the Big Other. The theory here is that early on we imprint “there is a social other out there, and our subsistence relies on it, so we must stay in its good graces” and our brains never really stop thinking that way, even as we consciously become aware of specific people and their specific power (and lack of power) over us.

So what are all the vague forces that judge us for how we perform either our morality or social conformity? God. The Discourse. Those gossiping girls from high school. What would our parents think. What would the children think. The people in the grocery store watching us as our kid cries. Journalists who judge our subgroup. Corporations who sponsor them. The high school reunion.

These forces are all just very vague - it’s hard to prove how our actions lead to their judgment in a way that directly affects us, but it’s also hard to prove it never will. Most people choose some particular force, and obsess over whether it approves of them constantly. At the heart of it, we know we are a good person, but we worry this all powerful force might catch us at the wrong moment out of context and conclude we are a bad person, and then cast us into social abjection. See my Seinfeld review. But does the chicken know?

Now, the Big Other is nothing new. In fact you’d think modernity and the decline of tribes would if anything make it a weaker influence in our life. But the internet may put this into overdrive - we now have exact numbers knowing how many people like us, what activities of ours they like, and what number of people are downvoting us. What influence do any of these numbers have over our life? Unless you’re selling your brand, almost none, but LOOK LOOK THE NUMBER JUST WENT UP has combined our little Pavlovian hindbrain with our Lacanian fear of vague social judgment and it’s just an incredible social addiction most of us can’t escape. Hence my concerns about Twitter Hell.

Which brings us to the twofold answer of “Should we worry about other people?” I think we should care a great deal about what specific people think about us, and whether we have harmed them, and how to avoid harming them. But everyone could do with less worrying about what some vague, undefined group of people think about us, when there is no specific person who is going to affect us directly. (In fact, the worst case is when we care so much what the Big Other thinks of us, that we let that fear cause us to bring harm to a specific person. And that’s when we become the oppressor.)

The difference here can be roughly akin to alienation. Focus on the relationships that are real, and you have real control over. Get yourself out from the judgments of vague groups that may not even exist and how Tumblr followers and Facebook likes will respond to your actions.

[soundsgoodfeelsgood]

Thursday 14th may, day 66

NOTE: i actually wrote this as a presentation letter to a guy on Slowly, but i really liked how it turned out so i thought “hm, might as well post this”. Here you go.

So here are 10 maybe-not-that-interesting facts about me. 

1. My name in italian literally means "clear" and yet i have the same expression capability of a 5-year-old. It takes me forever to express myself in my native langue and I find it easier to speak in english, which can be quite a challenge when talking to my friends as you can imagine. Actually nobody calls me by my name, people usually refer to me by my surname, even my closest friends. (that's Cili if you where wondering, like red hot chili pepper) 

2. In just a month i'll be graduating from high school and in september i'm going to start med school. I don't actually know why i'll be attending it since the very last thing i want to be when i grow up is a doctor. I have really, really low empathy so i don't think i could ever pull that off. Whant i want to be when i grow up is a resercher in neurosciences. There is nothing more fascinating then the human brain. I find utterly...disarming how everything we are, everything we do, all of our thought and movements are decided by how some tiny-iny particles of living matter interact with each other. The human body is the most beautiful of mysteries and everything it does is the result of a tiny miracle. I worship science. I love to find all the science that surrounds me and learn about it. And while i'm quite a thinker the subject i hate the most is philosophy. The only two authors i ever sincerely liked are Plato and Popper. The rest is garbage. 

3. I have quite a memory. I perfectly remember stuff that has happened to me over 10 years ago. Like that one time when i was 8 and i was angry at my friend Dave so i started to throw comic books at him. Or how i used to go around my grandma's garden with my cousins dressed up in Sandocan costumes looking for pinecones that we would later smash in order to eat the pine nuts inside them. And how could I not mention when at 10 my friends and I organised a whole funeral for a ladybug that had drowned in their pool? we made this little raft out of a plastic plate, put the ladybug on it with some flowers and plants and then had a full celtic-like ceremony (we even wrote a eulogy). But the thing i remember the easiest are songs. I know hundres of thousands of song lyrics by heart. My playlist has over 600 songs and i can recognise any of them within 5 seconds (no kidding). Also i have the weirdest music taste. I like Queen as much as One Direction as much as early-2000s pop rock as much as indie as much as musicals. I believe music to be the expression of one's soul. Like, there are some songs that literally speak to the deepest part of me and if i didn't know any better i'd think they were written especially for me. 

4. I'm an INTJ like Christopher Nolan, Elon Musk and Moriarty from Sherlock Holmes. I'm also a Ravenclaw even though Pottermore keeps putting me in Hufflepuff.  As for the zodiac (in which i don't believe in but still read) i'm technically a scorpio but because i was born on the first day of scorpio at five past midnight, my zodiac-obsessed friend keeps telling me i'm a cusp which is something i had no idea existed until she pointed that out. As they say, you never stop learning. 

5. I can solve rubik's cube in under a minute. My friend from robotics clubs tought me. Also, i'm in my schools robotics club. Last year we built a piano-playing robot and we're currently second in italy and forth in europe in our category.  This year we were planning on going to the international competitions but then coronavirus happened so...yeah. Still, robotics is one of the best thing that has ever happened to me. Not for the club itself but for the people I met and for all the beautiful experiences and for that one time in october when we sneaked wine into our hotel room and the next morning i was so hungover i slept the whole day while tecnically competing. 

6. I have a thing for alpacas. I don't know why, i think they're cute. I have a mug with an alpaca on it where i store my markers (i also have a thing for markers). One of my dreams is to see them in Machu Pichu (the alpacas, not the markers). I loooooooove travelling. It's the one thing i could never get tired of. I have an endless list of places i want to visit. My goal is to visit every continent before i turn 30 (the earlier, the better). So far i've been to North America (the USA, twice), Africa (Morocco and Egypt) and i've visited most european capital cities (London, Paris, Berlin, Madrid, Luxemburg, Bruxelles, and many other). As of right now there's Singapore on top of my list, immediatly followed by Peru. Travellig is such a unique experience. Every where you go there's always something new to learn and to discover. Different culture, different food, different languages. I adore languages of all kind. I'm fluent in italian (duh) and english (even tho i make tons of mistakes - i'm sorry), advanced in french and currently learning spanish. 

7. I'm writing a book. Let me rephrase that - I'm writing a trilogy. It's actually a little more complicated than that to be honest. When i started high school i started writing this fairly awful teen-fiction-like novel and than i though to myself: why not make another book where i write the same exact story but from a different point of view and with a totally different style with no reason whatsoever? Five years later, i'm still not even halfway done with a first draft of any of the three books. I mostly use them as a creative outlet, something i do when i'm bored, just for the fun of it. But as stupid as they can be, they're still my creatures and i love them. Even though i'm sort of embarassed of them - no one i know has ever read them. I once tried to show the first few chapters to a group of friends and they still make fun of me for it (but they do it in that friend way that doesn't really offend, you know what i mean?). I just love words so much. I even have a list of favourite words written in my journal. Some exemples are "scrosciare", which is the italian word for the noise of heavy rain falling, and words that are what they mean, like obsolete and cacophonic.

8. if i were to write this last year, i'd tell you i don't believe in friendship. Now, my mind hasn't change that much, i still believe to have no friends in the way i consider a friend is supposed to be. And i know i talked about my friends quite s few times throughout this letter but i usually use this word in absence of something that better explains what i really feel. I'll try to make this as clear as i can. I struggle to make a connection with people. i always feel like people click with each other in misterious ways i have yet to understand. Most of those i identify as my friends are just the people i hang out with. There is no...spiritual connection? It's a little complicated to explain. As if at the beginning of times we were handed some instruction booklets on "human interaction and realtionships" and i lost mine, while everyone else carfully guarded theirs. The word that best describes what i think of most people is afecionado. I don't know where i read it but it pretty much explains it all - someone i feel affection for, but nothing else. I do have a best friend tho. I mean, best friend is quite a big word. I have a human being i feel more connected with in comparison to others. I’ve known him since forever and i hate him. I dont hate hate him as in i want him dead. I love him as a friend, he's a great friend. but i hate him as a human being. He's so goddam perfect it bothers me so much. Have you ever met someone that is just so annoingly good at any thing? well that's him. 

9. I have never fallen in love. Not once. The last time i had a crush i was 11. This is what happens when you are an hopeless romantic who grew up reading love stories and at the same time a creepingly logical human. You have incredibly high expectations. And the only time i kissed someone it was more of a lips-touching-for-a-second kind of experience and we were both very much drunk (it was actually the first out of the three times in my life i ever got drunk, the third being the wine experience in october) When i first met said best friend everyone we knew shipped up ("shipped" as in the fandom term meaning two people should date) and there was a moment this summer when i thought i was developping feelings for him but it was just a second. And i may or may not have dreamed of dating this french guy i saw twice at a drama festival. 

10. I love quotes. I think it's part of the memorising thing - learning quotes by heart. Songs, books, speeches, vines, stand up comedians. I also have a very weird sense of humor, basically anything makes my laugh like bad puns and dank memes. Anyway, i have this thing on my door where i write all the quotes i like. Mostly they're from songs, but i also have two from Dante's Divine Comedy. In italy we study it our third year of high school and my teacher is so obsessed with it that she made us learn over 200 verses by heart. 

[readfelice-blog]

moominland chronicles fünfzehn: felice vs the german health care system

Hello you, 

It’s 4am on Friday morning, I’m lying in bed with one of my 3 flowered ikea lamps burning away, holding my cuddly pig tight to my chest whilst I tap out this blog on my iphone, balanced on a pillow.

I cant sleep.

I’m going to get a taxi to hospital in 5 hours.

Before we start all that please administer any of the below music to yourself as an accompaniment, I’ve been dipping my toes into the clear water of pop shoals this week, I might be the last person to have listened to blond (an article in vice insisted upon me lining it up on my google play - still no cd player, I know):

Frank ocean

Nikes (song, always a fan of a big opener on an album)

https://vimeo.com/179791907?ref=em-share

Blond (album, yes you've probably heard it already)

https://www.discogs.com/Frank-Ocean-Blond/master/1046042

I'm also late on the train for Mitski I’m sure, but the words, restrain in her voice and divergent harmonies (discordant, is that better?) are searing through me, might listen again in the hospital tomorrow.

Though perhaps as she grows older she wont long for that kiss quite as much as she does now, because prince charming will never save her really (though she does acknowledge that from time to time on this album)

Mitski

A horse named cold air (song)

https://youtu.be/ce3m-o1pZqY

Be the cowboy (Album)

https://mitski.bandcamp.com/album/be-the-cowboy

And just this one song, which kind of speaks frankly from my heart a little, or at least I sympathise with, though in a fuller sense my situation is very different and it’s only my little brain that identifies with the lyrics.

SZA: the weekend

https://youtu.be/PALMMqZLAQk

So then.. youre suited and booted musically, lets press on shall we? After all I mentioned hospital, it would be cruel just to taper off now.

Heres my small brain again:

Fuck the fucking german health system, fuck all those uptight bigoted cunts that put the phone down on me this week, fuck my insurance for charging me since july and slyly adding it to my bill, fuck the man at the tk queue yesterday who aggressively shouted at me for talking on the phone with my sister, about my illness, at the first opportunity that day after a very strange experience with the gynaecologist.

Ok, 

I’m breathing, my small brain is retracting, lets continue a bit less aggressively now.

Health health health, we’re jumping back on the theme from last week, because sometimes illness doesn't go away, and as this blog is my warts and all document of the weird happenings of my life, I am going to be very very open about whats happening to me this week.

So I’m bleeding, like all pre menopausal women do who dont take contraception that inhibits it, thats what was happening in Paris, thats what has been happening for 3 weeks.

I’ve been bleeding for 3 weeks, yes.

I had really bad period pains last time round, which is unusual for me these days, I took buscopan plus, i soldiered on, then it stopped for a week, then it returned, light some days, heavier seemingly at the weekends. I pigheadedly pushed through physically exhausting weeks of cleaning, travelling, working, I’m a freelance cleaner, I don't get sick pay or holiday pay, I have to work or I can't pay rent.

I wrote a blog about it last weekend. But that was just before the blood clots starting coming, when the first one fell out it plopped in the toilet, I was so shocked I fished it out and curiously studied it (warts and all, I’m sick of skirting the weirdness in my life: its there: get used to it). I thought it was a dead baby, it was monstrous and displayed a horrid kind of plasticity as it eerily shifted round the jar in my hand I was gently coercing. It was an alien, more like rosemary's baby than my cherub cheeked nephew.

That was MONDAY.

I thought, ok the babies fallen out, now it’ll surely stop.

On sunday the bear got in touch, he'd been trying to phone, he was annoyed he couldn't get in contact, he was horny. I told him I was still bleeding, he insisted I go to the doctors, in his very forthright way, he sent me money to go even: because i was clueless about my insurance at that point. I knew i’d been getting letters I couldn't read from tk (die teckniker, german health insurance provider)  for months, since I stopped working at the hostel, but I’d just carefully ignored them.

I didn't have the money to pay for health insurance.

I botched my first attempt to see a gynaecologist, I made an appointment online but the transfer the bear made was not in my bank so he asked me to phone them and check payment methods. When I did the receptionist point blank refused to speak English to me, my quandary was simply, “Do I need cash today?” But she was haughty and unsympathetic, another colleague took the phone, who even through garbled understanding felt kinder but it soon transpired that my appointment was for November 1st not October 1st.

“Im very ill i dont think I can wait that long.”

I phoned Meoclinic to be told by a woman with razors in her voice who suddenly became sickeningly sweet after she’d told me it was €400 just to see someone. I felt like the pleasure she was deriving from me tripping over my words and despairingly saying that was to much money for me, was enough for her to take home and masturbate over later, in her silky agent provocateur corset, on silk sheets, with a flute of champagne on the bedside table.

I gave up for the day and decided that tomorrow I’d go to the doctors I went to for my sti test a few months ago, they were very nice. They spoke english, they had open appointments the next day at 18h.

TUESDAY

More clots started coming, big, gloopy, just pouring out of me, they were announced by a tirade of blood, I was soaking through organic pads at an alarming rate.

So that wasn't the baby on Monday then.

I went to clean first, I cant afford to not clean for reasons stated above, at an office where the woman who employs me talks to me through gritted teeth as if our every interaction is painful to her.

Lowly pauper girl, know your place.

Anyway due to logistical issues she had probably not envisaged, I didn't do the whole job and left early. I walked out on to the money lined streets of Uhlandstrasse, Cara Delevine’s svelte androgynous eyes staring out at me from various glass paned monoliths, and sat on a moth eaten bench, very upset from the shift, feeling utterly worthless, responsible and at fault, bleeding.

Then I had a cigarette, collected myself and went to tk: Round 1.

I waited, gushing out blood, in line for 25 minutes to see the receptionist, then a further 10/15 to see the sales girl. I dont have to pay them straight away but when november comes I will have to pay them 720+€ , plus from then on 180€ a month, from an average wage of 800€.

In retrospect I was probably fully within my right to protest starting the contract from July 1st, but I was so grateful for someone health related to be talking to me in English and perhaps it will stand in my favour now the hospital bills will be tallying up.

I left with no card or proof of insurance.

I went home, lay down, then showered, laced my trainers and went back into the world depleted, to Mehringdam to see the emergency doctors, it was raining heavily outside.

They were different this time, I had no proof of insurance but I had the bears money so I was paying cash, I waited dutifully and wrote in my diary.

It was a different female doctor, a more boxy and less vital woman than the previous medic I’d met at the same clinic. About halfway into my bloody tale of woe she stopped me panic stricken.

“You know this is a doctors surgery, you have to go to a gynaecologist.”

“Ok, so you cant help me.” - i start putting my coat back on.

A pause.

“Can you at least refer me to one? I’ve had a hard time trying to find a gynaecologist, I can't really speak German, people have been very rude to me so far, I came back here because I remember people were kind and tried to help me, even though I wasn't sure it was the right place.”

We go out to reception where I stand in front of 2 receptionists who speak in German and totally ignore me, the doctor hands me some measly bits of paper with contact details printed on them and hurries away. Shaken from my bloody tale of woe I imagine she just sits in her office for 10 minutes alone obsessively sterilising her hands and shuddering.

I continue to look at the 2 women in front of me who carry on as if I am invisible for a further 5 minutes, I tell them I’m going to the toilet and then coming back, they brush me off. More blood pours out of me. I return and finally they allow me to pay them, I plod back out into the rain and miserably wait for a bus, head home via the shops and climb back into bed.

WEDNESDAY

Is a national holiday, so I can't sort anything, my client offers me the day off, I take it. I make 9 drawings for my project, bounce the rough edit of the album I’m working on, pull myself to the dance studio I’ve started to rent to practise my live show. Have a long overdue singsong, though I can't really dance i can still sing.

Sunday edit: I’ve since missed 2 bookings at the studio because of this infernal bleeding, hope I can go back soon, it was utterly riveting to finally find a place I could sing as loudly as I wanted.

It's a glorious day even though blood still rains, I’m not cleaning, I’m doing what i really want to do.

THURSDAY

I need to be at my clients early, but I go via the apotheke on the way, there a pharmacist advises me on the best way to take iron and vitamin supplements, sells me ibuprofen and alerts me to the gynaecologist upstairs, but she’s only open till 13h, my job is supposed to finish at that time.

I hum and haa as I hobble to my clients and when I get there decide to finish the job early and see if I can get an appointment.

On the way into the building there's a system of doors, I enter alongside an elderly gentleman with a walking stick and we have quite the time not understanding each other, me holding doors for him, him very jovially propping them open with his stick. I have no idea what’s being said but something tender and wonderful is occurring between us that puts a lightness back in my step.

This reception is slick and clean, the receptionist is neat and elegant. But the doctor isn’t there. They wouldn’t accept my tk insurance anyway, they’re going on holiday till November.

Ok,

I leave and just flop down on the street outside, I’m supposed to be doing a double clean today but I have a 2 hour window before my next job, which is only a 15 minute walk away. I’m getting closer to seeing someone. Still crouched down on the street, still bleeding, I dig out the contacts handed to me, one is for a doctors I’ve called before. I call 2 numbers from the 4 sheets I have, both go through to hard voiced women who utterly refuse to attempt to speak English to me and relish the goodbyes they bestow before they coldly put the phone down. To the second one I say in English:

“I’m really sick, but if I don’t speak German I am just going to continue to be sick, is that what you’re telling me?”

I found a list on google, theres a male gynaecologist just up the road, a man rummaging in my lady bits is a bit disconcerting but truly I’m beyond pride now.

This reception is more modest, I place my cleaning bucket on the floor and then just start with

“I’m losing a lot of blood, can you please help me.”

He’s in.

These receptionists are gorgeous humans, they speak to me in broken English, they’re shocked I’ve been bleeding for 3 weeks, yes he will see me, please take a seat.

He’s a big warm man with no sexual energy, I tell him everything, I feel so grateful just to be able to see him that I’m bowing as I say thank you. I get sent to a little room, remove my trousers and knickers, get let into another room, climb on the chair, he inserts the spy camera dildo (ultrasound) device inside me, then on the screen we look at a ball like thing inside my womb.

Hes glowing when he tells me its probably a very early pregnancy, he’s so excited, though it’ll most likely be a miscarriage, but he paints a future where my little fetus determinedly survives the bloodletting and in 9 months time arrives in my life.

I cover everything in blood, which freaks him out.  

“You’re really bleeding a lot.”

He gives me the ultrasound photo, then after some confusion I go to the nurses and deposit a urine sample on the counter of another room.

“Thank you so much for seeing me.”

“Of course: you have been bleeding for 3 weeks.”

As I wait in the reception for the test results a new future, inconceivable before this point, rolls out before me, where I have the baby and take the government stipend to look after it as a single mother, I thought I didn’t want kids but something seems so precious about this vision. It’ll just be me and my little ball of love, together in some warm cosy flat in Prenzlauer Berg, surrounded by all the other Berlin mothers.

The test is negative, a jolt of dismay passes through me, the vision is shattered, I have to go to the hospital he says. They give me the bill, without proof of insurance I pay in cash, thanking the bear silently. He also tells me to go to my insurance and get a letter, because the hospital will really cost a lot.

So I go home, breathe and collect myself, go back out. Spend over an hour wandering around looking for a photo kiosk for my insurance card (not blind> I’m using google maps to try locate one), finally I find it nestled into a dark part of the s bahn station, it costs double what the machine costs but I just eat the charge, earlier I’d spend 30 minutes wandering around the crossroads outside Leopaldplatz: the fotofix on the map was apparently invisible, I need a picture. I then wait for another 30 minutes to have my photo taken.

When I get to the u bahn where tk is there is a fotofix booth right there, to my left as I walk out of the station, I really hold myself back from screaming and kicking over all the chairs arranged outside the cafe before me. I finally manage to call my sister and it's a glorious funny loving chat, cut short by the aforementioned man in the tk queue.

I tell him in english which he insists he doesn't understand, that I am having the day from hell and that was the first time I’ve managed to speak to that person, he abuses me again in German but then stands very far away from me, the shame weaving around him, I curse him, but its a little thing, just that I hope he gets eaten by spider babies.

Don’t take yourself too seriously.

I retrieve my letter from the receptionist, the same sales woman I spoke to on Tuesday who doesn’t recognise me at all.

It’s getting late in the day, I call back my sister and head to Charite Campus Mitte, as I get there it dawns on me this is where I was an extra on an art video shoot around 3 weeks ago.

There is no discernable entrance, it seems mostly deserted. I travel up in a lift towards the gynakolgie department, but when I exit the skybent box that is my vehicle there is no clear signage towards it, just a door to an emergency exit staircase, wind billowing behind it, with a note in fluoro yellow fixed on its metallic facade and a bridge / corridor leading to empty waiting rooms.

I give up, decide I’ll go to the address given to me by the doctors tomorrow. I’ll go home and sleep now.

Home, I eat then I crash, I get into bed at 19h, I’m still here its now 6am and I’ll try sleep a bit more before I get a taxi at 9am.

I’m scared

It’s like some sick version of the night before christmas, black humour and absurdity have been welcome companions but armour fades in bed, so writing this in the knowledge I will share it with the online community has been the only thing I can do to douse the fear.

I’ll probably have to beg receptionists later but I just hope I get to someone who can start to mend me, because the blood is still coming, for the first time since it started it stained my sheets last night but I’ve wiped them down a little.

Sunday edit: the sheets are now in the wash.

Saturday edit: they did see me, I’m having an operation on monday at 9:30, the saga continues because I have to rush back to the gynaecologists first on monday to get a note so I can be operated on : as by the time I got out of hospital on friday the gynaecologists surgery was closed and nothing is open on the weekends.

And on the anaesthetists form where it asked me who would be collecting me or looking after me for 24 hours after the procedure I stubbornly wrote noone. Though my mentor will be around as I swallowed my pride and asked her.

And, of course, I just expect more bullshit: that was my dads very astute advice:

“Expect more bullshit Felice.”

So then, yes I should speak German, yes I should of sorted my insurance, yes I’ve been irresponsible.

Saturday edit: I’ve been utterly irresponsible and disrespectful to the country I live in, I MUST learn German and make more of an effort to learn their culture, right now I’m truly an idiot abroad.

I might cancel all my jobs next week as well if I’m really sick, I might not be able to go to Krakow and watch Eartheater,

Saturday edit: All my jobs are cancelled, one of the days next week is my birthday, which I’d scheduled a double clean on so perhaps it’s not all bad.

But I’m not going to see Eartheater, if you’ve heard irisiri though ( LISTEN TO IT, I IMPLORE YOU, MORE THAN ONCE, on the first listen it’s quite harsh: https://alexdrewchin.bandcamp.com/releases) then you’ll immediately understand that not going to her show because I’m having my uterus forcibly wedged open and something cut out of it, is utterly appropriate, it’s like missing formula one because you got hit by a ferrari.

I hope I’ll be better by turin.

Saturday edit: very much.

I will still finish this project whatever happens.

Saturday edit: Now I have a week off it should help.

But I’m not 100% sure how I will make ends meet this month.

Saturday edit: Perhaps the polyp they cut out of me on monday is really an alien and I get paid hush money not to leak the story to the press.

I really miss the nhs, its a big soft Pugsy bear I just want to hug and hold and thank for everything it’s done for me over the years.

The german health system is an amalgamation of all these callous female receptionists, ignoring you and filing their niles whilst you just bleed out in front of them.

But still, I’m stubborn, its a test and i will overcome it whatever it is. I am not leaving berlin, I am standing taller, stronger and more powerful than before. I’ve experienced completely new angles and feelings this week, it’s been abhorrent but kind of sickly enjoyable as well. Life is always entertaining as it energetically throws its bounty of strangeness, cruelty and beauty (etc) at you.

It’s all good fun, even the dark days.

I’m going to try get a bit of shut eye now, might move my alarm back a little see if I can get 2 hours before i wake up to get a taxi.

Take care everyone, if you made it to the end then I guess thank you for reading as well, it’s a long fraught one this week eh?

[kellbug21-blog]

my  entire life story

Hi, I wanna tell u all about me and my life story. i was born and everything was fine for a few mins. Shortly after I was born I had a stroke. I had to be taken to the Miami children hospital and was put into a coma because i was having so many seizure When I woke up I was taken cared of by the doctors. After 3 weeks of lots of testing they discovered i had a stroke and  had epilepsy. I was able to go home afterwards with lots of seizure medison after my 2 disabilities  were  found. When I turned 5 years old I started to struggle on my first year of school. The stroke affected all my learning abilities. It affected my math, reading, reading comprehension, , learning memory, writing and spelling. I was slow learner  then everyone else in school. I get extended time on tests and help with homework due to my learning disability. For my math disability it makes me struggle with adding,subtraction,multiplication dividing and remembering numbers. For my reading disability i struggle with reading, decoding, remembering, getting lost when reading, read words wrong, re read what I'm reading, skipping words ,pronouncing and sounding out words. Four my writing i struggle with spelling,takes me a very long time to write, forget ending of the words, spell the words a different way and make punctuation errors. It doesn't mean i cant write. It's just harder then most people. My tests and work are sometimes modified because its to hard for me. People sometimes think i cant talk but i can. It's just i don't know what to say. The doctors who studied my mind said that My stroke makes me rock my body and bounce my head  and body subconsciously, I do it without knowing I'm doing it. I'm often told by people I shouldn't do that and get told to stop rocking my body or bouncing my head and body  because its considered weird and can make people uncomfortable because they often don't understand , dont do it themselves, dont have anybody in there family that does it, cant relate and its considered not normal , weird and different.  

but  the question we should all be asking is what is normal though? there is no  such thing as normal.  ill get stares by people for doing these  behaviors. when ever somebody pointed  it  out i felt  judged  and scared and felt like they thought i was weird. Did u know people made rocking chairs? if u see someone who rocks there body or bounces there head and body  and u notice  they arent aware there doing it please dont bring it up. if i rock my body or bounce my head and body  dont make me feel embarrassed. im doing subconsciously. Not every person that rocks there body  or bounces there head or body is a  weird  person. dont always assume when somewon rocks there body or bounces there body or head  are weird. i will rock my body subconsciously when im listening to music,  when im  thinking about something,  happy,sad,scared, or angry.  i might  do it randomly  subconsciously without any of these reasons above.  there are 3 reasons why a person rocks there body or bounces there body and or bounces there head. number 1: its because they were just born that way. number 2: they could be brain damage and u wouldnt even know it. if you ever meet or met somewon whos had a stroke or some type of brain injury  theres a 50 chance there gonna rock there body and/or  bounce there  head and body. number 3: its a obsessive compulsive behavior for that person. When I was 5 years old I started to do behaviors and show symptoms of another disability. My parents didn't really think much of it. They always thought it was just my stroke. Then one day my mom was reading about autism and Started to realize I was showing the same symptoms and behaviors. My mom went to the doctors and said to them what symptoms and behaviors I was showing and the doctors started to agree with her. So the neurologist doctors were studying my mind and were looking at my damage to my mind. theirs no test for autism but there are people who went to schools to study the mind and watch it by looking at it, recording it , observing it, watching what a persons doing and reading books about the mind. And it turned out I had another disability. Which was called Autism. At the time I didn't even know I would have autism because my parents never mentioned it to me and kept it hidden from me. They never felt the need to label me because it was very mild and didn't change who I was.

My 6th grade year came when i was 12 years old and it was bad. That was the year I found out I had autism. When I was in my math class I was obsessed over blood poisoning. Then my teacher asked me why I was obsessed over blood poisoning. Then I said i don't know why i just am. After i said that the teacher randomly says you have Autism. I said wait i have autism? And she said yep you do have autism. I thought to myself no i cant be. I thought i was misdiagnosed. And i told her prove it I don't believe u. Then she pulled out a paper and it said  i was  a student diagnosed with high functioning autism. When i saw that paper i was surprised and after a few mins i started to cry. i thought why me? and thought to myself i already had a stroke and learning issues. why do i have autism as well? I knew i would have to deal with this the rest of my life i thought to myself will i never have friends or get married because of my autism disability? Mom walked in the room a few mins after i found out and she saw me crying and started to wonder why i was crying and asked me whats wrong. my teacher realized telling me was a huge mistake.   my teacher told my mom we need to talk and pulled my mom aside for a moment. That's when my teacher told her. she said she was so sorry  to my mom and   said  she accidentally told me i have autism.   after that she told me come on  will talk about it more in the car. and i told her is what she saying true? is that paper true?  she told me come on again and i started to question in my head why isnt she telling me. i was still crying at the  time  while leaving the school and walking to the  car. After that we went into the car to get ready  to go to the doctors appointment and before we drove there she  told me i have a very mild form of autism. Then i asked my mom what caused it and she said nothing caused it and i was just born that way and she told me autism isn't something that can happen to u.     Brain injuries can cause autism like symptoms and or autism like behaviors but not autism. Autism is the same as having Down syndrome. I was born with autism and at the same time had a stroke a few mins after my birth. My autism makes me have sensory sensitivity issues with sound and can cause sounds to hurt me and sometimes becomes overload. my autism makes me have deficits in my social skills meaning there always impaired.   My social deficits impairments are making friendships, maintaining friendships, getting into a romantic relationship, continuing a  romantic relationship, starting,continuing ,ending conversations,  Reading facial expressions, body language, social cues, reading tone of voice , joining in group interactions and reading what people are thinking. My autistic behaviors are rewinding,obsessions, literal thinking, sameness with food, flat affect, monotone voice, asking the same question over and over, repeating myself and no filter. i might say something completly random and people would be surprised, think its idiotic  or  find it funny. you cant go around and force friendships they just have to happen. thats like forcing somewon to love u when they dont love u back. i dont want people to be my friend just because they feel bad for me.  I  want to be like everyone else.   i want people to understand me. its time to talk about how i feel. when ever im alone or out  in public i sometimes think to myself will i ever find love someday and have friends?   they say u cant find love you just need to let it come to you.   when im out in public i always see people with there friends talking and having a good time.  when i was in school i always   saw   people hugging  and kissing there loved ones in the hallways   and still see people  do  out in public places. i would  see people in the hallways, at lunch and walking down stairs  talking to there friends. i thought to myself why is it so easy for people to make conversations, relationships and friendships that fast?  i also thought to myself why am i not experiencing this as well? lets talk about my school experiences. when i was at my old  school i always had people who hated me  and  thought i was an idiot and i didnt know why.   i now know why they hated me. it was because of my autism, learning disability and the way i behaved. because i say random things, am quiet, dont talk the way most people do,behave differently  and have learning disabilities people think im not smart and think im an idiot because of the way i interact, behave  and  take longer to learn things.

i wanna explain emotions for a minute.

i always struggle with talking about  my feelings because  im worried how people will react. at a young age ur taught and told  not to show and express ur emotions. in public  and when ur around people  or someone u think u need to be happy all the time because showing emotion isnt acceptable. the only acceptable emotion ur allowed to show is to be happy. when ever u show ur sad ,scared or angry  about something people will tell u to stop acting like a kid and say  ur being rediculous.  im here to tell u its ok to show and express your emotions. were not robots. showing emotions is natural. its what makes us HUMAN. what is monotone voice? its when u speak without emotion. flat affect is when u show no emotions. what is a obsession? its when you think about something all the time or alot and talk about it alot.  it also  means u might need to compulsively do something  in order to get rid of the thought. literal thinking is when u believe anything and anybody tells you. it means you have struggle understanding metaphors, know when someones  joking  and figure of speech. i might speak literal at times. i may not always respond in the normal way. lets talk about rewinding for a moment. when i say rewinding i might go back to a certain part of a video or song and you might question it.   when i say no filter i mean i might say things that are racist, things you shouldnt say , inappropriate things and being honest, without realizing and aware what im saying is that and i might not understand why its not ok to say those things. being honest isnt always a bad thing but it can hurt someones  feelings and come across as being rude. because my autism makes me not think clearly i really need to think about it.

because i might say racist or inappropriate things people will get the wrong idea and it might make them feel bad about themselves and come across as im a bad person. if i ever  say something racist i usually would feel bad. only a racist person wouldn't feel bad.  

when i mean i struggle with reading tone of voice i mean i cant always tell when somewons being sarcastic, serious, speaking in a way that there bored, angry,happy,sad and all the other types of tone of voice.   i cant always tell when someone looks happy,sad, angry,scared,surprised bored,annoyed  and any other facial expressions. i wanna talk about repeating for a moment. when i say  i repeat myself  i might say the same thing again or over and over again without even knowing and aware im doing it.

 I never went around and told anyone about my autism and was told mine isn't the type where u can tell by looking at me. The rewinding was the only thing that became noticeable and people would question it but never knew i had it until they were told. if u were to look at me you wouldn't have guessed or noticed.  

When i mean i struggle with making conversations i mean i struggle with small talk and talking to people. There's the hi how are u? Then u say good or fine and sometimes ask back how are u? Then that person says good. But it never goes anywhere. I learn social skills. Does that mean i have great social skills? Nope. They will Always be impaired. in order to get an autism diagnosis it NEEDS to be disabling in some way and needs to always impair  and limit  the person.  what high functioning really means is how well a person can pass and  look normal. I was an autistic child and teenager and ill become an autistic adult and eventually an autistic old man. People think autism goes away when you get older which is not true.  Alot of the time people don't try to get to know me. i usually get ignored alot. i  sometimes dont try to get to know people because there judgemental and im afraid they just see me as some dumb  and weird person. I get uncomfortable when around you and other people because of my autism. I may be socially awkward  or appear annoying because of my deficits impairments. People don't often stop to think why that persons uncomfortable or socially awkward.    i sometimes dont respond to people because i dont know what to say , how to respond ,may not understand what there saying and need time to think. because i might not respond people might get confused,might  think i did not  hear them or think im ignoring them when im not. i didnt like being in special ed sometimes because there were people who came to help students with special needs when  some people see  a person in special ed they sometimes  automatically think that there dumb and to stupid.   not every person who helps a special needs person  are like that  and think that way but alot people are like that sadly. i  worry what  people think of me.

most people dont ever give me a chance.

whenever i was in a normal class i liked it because they wouldnt think of anything at all. i felt  normal  when ever i went in the regular classes. When i was in 10th grade i wrote a speech about my autism. i never thought people would like it. after i read it the whole class clapped. when they clapped i felt really happy and felt proud. I want friends but don't know always how to make them. people think i dont want friends and thats not true. there are 2 others reasons i struggle with making friends and there a small part on why its hard for me to make friends. first reason people judge me because my hand is bent and my fingers look weird  and different a bit. second reason i have trouble making friends is because i have learning issues. when a person sees u arent smart they think  your an idiot. people  nowadays only want to be friends, date and marry people who are considered not dumb and different. i know im not dumb im actually very smart. i have a very good vocabulary then most people and thats a stereotype where people think autistic people are smart and speak smart then most people.

Let's talk about cerebral palsy. Cerebral palsy is when you have trouble walking, eating,swallowing , have mussles issues and have speech issues. I mumble and talk to quietly without realizing it and might stutter. I trip and fall easily.   lets talk about my childhood. I grew up not having the childhood most people had where you talked to people, hanged out with friends, eating lunch with friends, going to sleep overs and parties with friends. I wish i got to have those experience but sadly i wont be able to because I'm older now. As you grow up ur expected a lot more and people expect you to behave a certain way , talk a certain way and  do certain things. people dont like it when you dont act like them, talk a certain way and behave like them. if you dont behave and talk the way people think u should act and say you will most likely not be accepted and they wouldnt ever want to be your friend, date you, marry you and get to know you because to them ur considered weird,dumb and not the social and society norm. in there eyes different is considered bad and shameful.  it makes people who want u to behave a certain way and talk a certain way angry because ur not meeting there expectations and want u to not be yourself. if you arent extroverted and if you dont talk people will make comments about it and tell you why dont u talk? well to answer your question i cant always talk because there are social rules you always have to follow and if u dont follow them people will get mad at u.  i cant always talk because i  dont always have a filter. if i were to talk about something that wasn't inappropriate and it was a normal conversation they probably wouldnt like it because to them its not the right way to talk. im sometimes quiet because i have nothing to say. you know the phrase people tell u to to just be yourself? yeah that phrase is a lie. What if you couldn't always do those things because of ur issues?  or what if u liked yourself for who you were and what you are? Why do people have to act a certain way and  talk a certain way just to be accepted? It sometimes makes me sad because i cant be myself. Nobody can honestly be themselves due to society. but sadly you have to behave  and talk  certain way. people try to stop and change people who are different. I enjoy some of my autism actually and wouldn't want to be cured. i like that i can rewind something and never get tired of watching it. We need to learn to stop caring what people think of us and learn to stop judging each other, weather people are good or bad. Nobodies perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. We need to just learn and grow. I hope that when i get friends and a girlfriend ill be accepted and if i ever do get married i hope I'm accepted by my wife to. people with learning disabilities get made fun of because they have a hard time  with reading, writing ,math and spelling. people try to act cool and popular in elementary school, middle school and high school.

but what they often dont realize is when they graduate high school they will no longer be considered cool and popular and will be like everyone else. I don't feel bad for myself.

There are some good things about myself. I'm non judgemental,accepting, nice ,smart and funny. I try my best to be a good person but i sometimes don't know how.

Sometimes i try my best to hide my right hand by Putting on my brace that makes it straight and people would just think i broke my arm.

I'll hide My right hand by using a long sleeve shirt and covering my right hand with the long sleeve just to make people not notice and look normal as possible. if somewon doesn't like that your a introvert then you dont need them in ur life. if u are extrovert accept it but dont change someone  else personality. if u are a introvert accept  your personality. if u are both extrovert and introvert personality accept it.

if someone doesn't like that you are being yourself , doesn't like  your  personality or is not liking that you arent talking and behaving  the way u should then forget them.

accept your personality. accept yourself for who you are and be yourself whether people like it or not. if u meet some won that is disabled or not try to get to know them.

If u see some won who's had a stroke help them and be there friend if u want to. If there's a person who's autistic you should accept them.  

if you love somebody who is  disabled, different or both you should accept them. if you have a friend that are any of these you should accept them.   if u have a friend or love somebody that doesn't have any issues and  there  just normal you should still accept them. I am so much more then my disability labels. Remember to be accepting of people who are different, black, white, Indian, Chinese gay,straight,bisexual,transgender,, asexual, lesbian, have anxiety disorder issues, have eating disorder,   disabled  Or not disabled and are just as normal as you.

I don't enjoy having these disabilities. But will always have to deal with them.

I hope my life gets better.