#now its just. 'oh you have a disorder? just stop! just don't have symptoms. oh & if you cant then youre annoying and lazy and a bad person'

[marklikely]

not going to lie about 80% of the "pro recovery" content on this site atp is "have you tried just not being mentally ill"

[corroded-hellfire]

Fic request idea baby: what about Eddie with a gf who used to have an ED but she's doing better now but he notices that she's starting to relapse like skipping meals and he brings it up to her and just angst to fluff

+ Hey if ur taking requests:

what about if Effie's gf randomly stops changing in front of him like she's getting into pj and she goes to the bathroom and then starts asking for the lights to be off during sex and he's super confused and asks her about it and basically angst bc she's trying to hide it but may be she had a slip during ED recovery?

+ Hi lovie a lil request! What about Eddie with a gf whose in eating disorder recovery like she used to struggle but it's been a few years since then and she's don't just fine but he notices she's starting to relapse?

These three requests seemed to overlap just perfectly. The beautiful and talented @munson-blurbs was kind enough to write these with me so go shower her with all the love 💚

Warnings: eating disorders, body image issues, relapse struggles. Please, if you want or need to talk to somebody, I'm always here.

Words: 1.5k

You’re fairly certain you’re living on the sun’s surface. 

Logic would say that you haven’t left Hawkins, but the temperature outside begs to differ. 

“Christ, it’s like 1,000 degrees in here,” Eddie mumbles, cracking open a cold can of Pepsi and taking a swig. He plants a kiss on your forehead, careful not to disturb your reading. 

You smile but keep your nose buried in the bridal magazine Nancy had bought for you. Page after page of wedding dresses had you swimming in a sea of white, each more beautiful—and expensive—than the last. 

Oh, well. At least it would give you an idea of what to look for at your bridal appointment in a few weeks. 

What truly caught your eye was an article tucked towards the back of the magazine. Its title boldly declares, “Shedding for the Wedding: Lose that Weight and Look Great!” 

You shouldn’t read it. It’ll only upset you, only bring back the bad thoughts and routines and restrictions that you’d fought so hard to overcome. And yet you’re drawn to it, eyes scanning each fad diet for one that might help you. 

No. Yes. No. Yes. Put the magazine down. Stop reading the diet tips and comparing yourself to the models. 

But they’re so pretty and so skinny. If Eddie saw them, he might not even want to marry you anymore. Not when he saw how beautiful women were supposed to look in wedding dresses. 

Maybe losing a few pounds wouldn’t hurt. One diet couldn’t be so bad. It would be temporary, just until the wedding. 

It was totally fine. 

“What are we thinking for dinner tonight, babe?” Eddie rifles through the pantry and pulls out two boxes of pasta. “We have bowties and rigatoni. I’m personally more of a bowtie man myself, but it’s your call.”

You shake your head. “I’m good. Just gonna have some soup.” Reaching around him, you pluck a can of Progresso off of the shelf. 

“Soup?” Eddie wrinkles his nose in confusion. “It’s hotter than Satan’s tits outside.”

You shrug, trying to play it off casually. “Period craving.”

“You’re not on your period.”

“Well, PMS.”

Something nags at you—if you have to hide your new soup diet from your husband-to-be, maybe it’s not a good idea. Maybe you should put the can away and make pasta instead. But then you remember those gorgeous models, so svelte and sculpted and perfect. 

Soup it is. 

It’s harder to ignore the problem as more symptoms of the illness start to return. The first time you’d gathered up your pajamas and taken them into the bathroom with you, Eddie just assumed you were going to take a shower. When you emerged with bone-dry hair not two minutes later, he was puzzled. But he didn’t say anything, not wanting to come across as overprotective or overbearing. Maybe there was some simple excuse and he didn’t want to make you feel like you have to answer to him about every little thing. 

Eddie can’t ignore that there’s a problem anymore when you slip back into one of your old habits that has always broken his heart. Sex was now lights off and you kept your shirt on. Eddie wanted to see every part of you, touch every part of you. He was going to be your husband and the fact that you didn’t want him to see this part of you—that he has made very clear in the past that he fucking loves—disheartens him. 

Stress begins to build up within Eddie. He feels like he’s toeing the line because he doesn’t want to sound accusatory, but he also knows something is going on with you. And he has a pretty good idea of what it is. You try to hide how you pinch at your stomach and thighs, but he sees. The way you measure your wrists with your fingers all throughout the day. He wonders if you even realize you’re doing it, or if it’s reflexive at this point. 

Though you never mention it, you always have your green journal around the kitchen. Eddie respects your privacy enough not to go through it, but reaching for the keys over your shoulder one evening he notices that you’re making a list of what you’ve eaten that day. His stomach sinks as yet another familiar pattern emerges from the days when your disorder was at its worst. Your fiancé is coming closer to his breaking point and he still doesn’t know what to do or even who to go to about this. 

The final straw though is when you turn down girls’ night with Nancy and Robin at the Cheesecake Factory. You lived for nights out with your two best friends. They knew you almost as well as Eddie did though, so he knew you wouldn’t be able to sit down at a restaurant with them and bullshit your way out of not eating a proper meal like you should. 

Eddie knows now he has to say something. Anything, really. When you walk out of your shared bedroom in sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt, Eddie chews on his bottom lip as he mentally prepares for the conversation he knows needs to happen. 

The moment you sit down on the couch, Eddie sits next to you. You reach for the remote but your hand doesn’t even make it to the piece of plastic before Eddie speaks.

“Can we, um, talk?”

“About what?” you ask, sitting back against the couch cushions. 

Your fiancé leans forward, his elbows resting on his knees. He rubs his hands together and his tongue pokes out of his pouty pink lips like it does whenever he’s concentrating on something. 

“I’m worried about you, babe,” he finally says. “You’re not yourself.” 

Eddie doesn’t miss the way you reflexively shrink in on yourself.

“I’m just stressed with wedding stuff,” you say. 

“That’s why you didn’t hang out with Nancy and Robin?” Eddie asks, raising his eyebrows. 

“Mhm.”

“And all the pinching and not eating and not wanting me to see you naked? Is that because of wedding stress, too?”

You turn away from him and pull your knees to your chest, but he moves to face you again. “Baby, I know something’s wrong. And the last time I saw you like this, it was because…”

“I told you, I’m fine,” you snap. “I’m just stressed. Maybe if you spent more time helping me plan and less time planning stupid campaigns for a game you played back in high school, you’d understand.”

The accusation is unfair, and you know it. Sure, you’ve been doing most of the planning, but he’s been there every step of the way.

Eddie winces at your harsh tone. He looks like he has a rebuttal but gives up after a moment “Fine. Let’s just go to bed.”

Guilt from your outburst wracks your body and holds sleep hostage. After tossing and turning for a little while, you hear soft cries coming from Eddie’s side of the bed. 

“Eds?” Your heart leaps into your chest. “What’s going on?” You give him a hug from behind, latching on like a koala to a tree trunk until he turns to face you. 

Even in the darkness, you can see the way his eyes shine with tears. “I know you relapsed and…and I don’t know what to do,” he manages through his sobs. “I don’t know how to help, so I just stand there like a goddamn idiot, but I can’t keep pretending like nothing’s wrong! I can’t keep pretending that you’re not hurting yourself!”

He knew. The whole time you thought you’d been protecting him from the truth, and he knew. 

You wipe at his cheeks, feeling the moisture on your palms. “I’m sorry.”

Eddie shakes his head. “‘S not your fault, I know it’s not, but…you need to get help for this. I can’t lose my girl.” He presses his lips to your forehead and lets them linger there, holding you as tightly as he can. “Please. Please.”

No. You need to lose weight. You need to look good; no, perfect in your dress. All eyes are going to be on you, and you can’t show a single flaw. 

The argument sits on your tongue, defensiveness ready to spring into action. But then you see his brokenness, his vulnerability as he unabashedly wears his heart on his sleeve. 

Skinny. Skinnier. Skinniest. 

But then—Eddie. 

Eddie, who laid his heart out for you. Who let down the walls he’d spent years building just so he could receive your love. Who felt your pain despite your best attempts to shield him from it. 

Maybe you weren’t ready to get better for yourself, but until you were, you could do it for him. 

You nod, pulling back and kissing him softly. “I will. I promise. First thing tomorrow morning.”

“I’ll wake you up the moment the sun rises.”

At this, you have to let out a small laugh. “The therapy clinic doesn’t open until nine.”

Eddie cradles your face in his calloused palms, leaning in to gently kiss your nose. “Then I’ll wake you up at nine.”

[vlerian-root]

PMDD + transitioning

I don't know how to write this in a more poetic manner, but I would like to put some words out of my head and into (virtual) paper. Being trans has saved my life

Quite literally! I have a medical condition called PMDD, that has been undiagnosed for 17 years. It is a neurological sensitivity to changes in levels of estrogen in the blood. There is documentation out there, don't believe anything that says "it's like bad pms". It has nothing to do with pms. This is your brain being "allergic" to you getting your period, and causing havoc on any and all brain functions - like a russian roulette! It can affect your mood (in a good and bad way, usually very extreme), leaving you suicidal, violent, nonverbal, manic... It can be very painful - and not just in your head, with the typical migraines that last for days, but also on the rest of your body, or localized areas. I used to not be able to move my legs for days at a time. "Just pms" my ass. It can affect your memory. Long and short term memory, some parts of mine are just gone. Erased. Not coming back. They are big chunks too. It can affect you psychologically, in all the fun flavors that can have, like paranoia, obsession, depression, hypomania, dissociation... This usually lasts up to 10 days and ends when you get your period. Which is a hell of its own, so I have lost half of my time for the last few years, when it started getting really bad. It only got diagnosed for me when my psychologist noticed a pattern of me getting really bad every month around the same time. He assumed I knew this. I did not. Nobody had every mentioned PMDD, I didn't know it existed.

But here is where we get to the good part. I was in medical psychological therapy for something unrelated (OCPD, a personality disorder, although most of the symptoms got really bad with PMDD), and the psychiatrist assigned to me is an expert in this matter. He talked to me about the research he had done, and the research I had done while obsessively browsing the internet for any morsel of info I could get. So far any medical treatments had been from ineffective to making things a lot worse, so I needed to talk to someone who knew their stuff. And he did! But we found that since this is your body being "allergic" to a thing it naturally produces, and will continue to produce for at least another 20ish years, the best treatment was to stop that cycle. I had tried this before with my gyno. This went terribly bad. Twice. Or rather, it went great for 3 months, then worse than ever after that, and it became the new normal. It was hell. I was at a point where I couldn't have any sort of normal life. Half the time I would make projects and live happily by myself, and the other half I needed help to even walk to the bathroom because my head was about to explode, my legs didn't work, I wanted to jump out of a window, and I forgot about all my deadlines. Oh, and the muscle spasms that looked almost like seizures. This shit had cost me 90% of my social life, all of my professional life, and was now simply trying to take my life.

BUT!!! Did you know that if you remove the ovaries, the estrogen blood levels stop rising and falling? Did you know that triggers premature menopause? Did you know that testosterone is a very effective treatment of the side effects of menopause?

That was my whole approach, and my brilliant psychiatrist agreed it was a good one. To this day, he has been the only person to not question this decision even if it's pretty radical. He's the only one that has understood there is no sense in asking someone whose brain is killing them from the inside "are you sure you want to do that? you won't be able to turn back!". I'm aware you can't put the ovaries back in. But they are. Killing me. Driving me insane. Please.

It took me ages to find a doctor that would even contemplate doing this (quite simple) surgery. Every single one of them used the "but you are a woman of childbearing age, I can't do this in good faith" argument. Or the "I don't know about PMDD so I think you are lying" covered in sugary lies approach. It was hell.

In the end, I have gotten the surgery. I no longer have overies. I'm writing this weeks after it, and I can assure whoever is reading this that I no longer suffer - or will suffer - from PMDD ever again. Writing that feels so liberating... The kicker is that I wouldn't have been able to access any of this if I wasn't trans. Because PMDD is so badly researched and documented that even the doctors that specialize in the organs it affects think it's "bad pms". I had to say "but I am a trans man, this is very dysphoric". Then, and only then, would they give me T. I am not a trans man, just transmasc. I wanted to get healthy before transitioning, because it's not very great to be in an unstable mental state to handle the tsunami of changes and their (sometimes social) repercussions that come with it. But irony of ironies, the cure for 90% of my health issues has been transitioning.

OCPD has gotten easier to manage thanks to the emotional resilience I got on T (and what my therapist taught me) No ovaries mean no periods, which means no spending up to 2 weeks each month with my brain self destructing. No more memory loss, no more pain, no more spasms, no more migraines!!! No more dreading the days before the next T dose in case the previous one is a little too short (this has sent me to the ER before). No more pregnancy risk. No more depression, no more low energy, no more low libido, no more bullshit!!!! I am ME, inside and out, forever!!!!! I haven't felt like this since I was 14, and I'm 32 now! This is insane to think about @_@ It sucks that I had to lie to some doctors to get where I am today. But if I hadn't, I don't even know if I'd be here. It wasn't that big of a lie anyways (I hope). Feels bad to me, because I hate lying, but... no, I think this one was ok.

TL;DR: I have PMDD, meaning my brain is allergic to estrogen, so you can kind of say I was allergic to being a woman, and transitioning has saved my life ♥

If you are still reading this, thank you. I'm very sleepy and this probably makes very little sense, but my dms are open to any questions.

[spaghettificationandpretzels]

Writing Resources: Chronic Migraines

Sp's resources for Content Creators Materialist

This is a long post!

Trigger warnings for discussion of chronic migraines. Other authors are more than welcome to add their own points and I will update the link in the masterlist as more is added. Alternatively, send me an anon ask or DM if you want to remain anonymous. I live with this condition every day and it has a serious impact on my life, don't be an ass.

This is a follow to this post I am over the moon at how many people are using/sharing it. Thank you so much!!

Basic facts

If you take anything away from this post, please make it this, migraines are not just really bad headaches. Migraines describe a wide range of neurological issues.

Remission happens, but it is a pipe dream for most people and many people who go into remission end up getting them again. This means that there is no cure, only treatment. Partial remission (less than ten migraines a month) is far more common and is what most people aim for.

Three out of four people who have migraines are AFAB, as the last post states being AFAB makes it much harder to access treatment.

Migraines are a registered disability and cost people/counties millions of dollars a year in treatment.

Miragines run in families but that doesn't mean they can't come from other sources.

There may be no clear cause.

Some people have spots on their brains that show up in MRIs others do not. Not having spots doesn't mean you are lying.

Some migraines mimic strokes.

For some people, nothing works, they have tried everything below and get no relief.

The Migraine

It starts with the prodrome this is the attack phase. Some people get an aura which might mean vision changes or smelling things that aren't there. Some people (myself included) don't get auras this does not mean we are lying.

The attack phase, this is when the pain starts. See symptoms for more information.

Postdrome, this is what happens after. Some people become very hungry, some people get huge bursts of energy, and some people are so tired they can't get out of bed.

Symptoms

Head pain, but not always, silent migraines and/or stomach migraines exist. The pain can be crushing/squeezing, pounding, sharp, burning, stabbing or a mix. Pain is often not isolated to the head and can affect the face, neck and shoulders as well.

Sensitivity to light (this is a huge one of me, I live in the Batcave) it can be so bad during an attack I can't even stand the light of my powerboard.

Sensitivity to sound, some people may find the spinning of a fan unbearable.

Sensitivity to smell. Anything from flowers to strong perfume and food smell can make a person feel very ill.

Sore skin, being touched can hurt.

Aggravation by movement/changing in position. Imagine being worried about getting up to use the bathroom because you know your pain will go from severe to "oh my god I want to die." When I am very bad, I have to spend around five minutes going from lying down, to sitting up to standing.

Tingling and numbness.

Facial drooping.

Nausea and vomiting. I have often said that if it was just pain, I could cope (bullshit) feeling nausea is horrible.

Brain fog. This can be so bad that people can forget very basic things.

Emotional ups and downs, being in pain can be really rough.

Triggers

The heat/cold.

Getting not enough/too much/poor sleep.

Certain foods.

Alcohol

Strong smells, I cannot use public transport without serious planning because most people don't know how strong their perfumes are.

Too much/too little/any exercise or exertion.

Changes in the weather. I used to love the rain, but I had to stop taking a drug due to its side effects, the rain now ruins my day.

Treatment Information/Treatments

A neurologist is the main treatment doctor.

People have to keep headache diaries.

To be diagnosed with a migraine disorder a person has to have more than head pain and/or head pain a certain number of times a month.

For some treatments a person has had to have others fail.

Emgality

Emgality sends people into remission. However, its use is limited because the body devolves antibodies. Imagine finally being pain-free years after of trying, then having something that works fail a year down the line, that's what many Emgality deal with.

Emgality is an auto-injector that goes in just below the skin, the is less body fat you have to more it hurts. My pain ruins my appetite and I'm thin, had it worked for me (it didn't) using it would have been difficult as I found the injection very painful.

Emgality can be very expensive.

There are two initial injections then one, once a month. They need to be kept in the fridge.

Botox

Botox can be very effective, it consists of up to forty injections every 8-12 weeks in the jaw, forehead, scalp neck and shoulder. I don't find these painful. In the case of where I live, the co-pay is every 12 weeks.

It is nothing like the botox you get for wrinkles.

Protocols for getting botox can be very strict, like all other treatments, botox can become ineffective over time. In the case of where I live, you had to either have had 8 days a month with migraines and/or 15 days with head pain.

Cost without a co-pay can be in the thousands.

Continued treatment with a co-pay may mean botox has to be effective after two rounds, it can take up to four for things to really work.

I start feeling it wear off at 9 weeks, which means for three weeks I am back to 5 pain days a week. This is very common and is mentioned in a lot of botox information.

For me the injections feel like being grabbed by tiny little hands.

Many people (myself included) get a post-botox migraine, they are not fun.

For some people botox does nothing or makes them even worse.

Below is the most basic injection map, I and many people I know get more than what is listed. It varies from person to person and often takes multiple rounds to find out what extra sights are helpful.

Preventive Medications

Daily pills that can be anything from anti-depressants to epilepsy medication.

They may work wonders, but side effects can ruin them. These can include, damage to internal organs, serious changes in weight, brain fog so bad you can't function and some drugs cause fetal deformities.

Most people will try a lot of preventive before they find one that works, some people will never find anything.

Daily cannabis can also be a preventative, both CBD and THC.

The list below is the most common

Abortives

These are used in the prodrome or attack phase.

The drugs could be triptans in the form of pills, injections and nasal sprays, muscle relaxants, sleeping pills, antihistamines and opioids and other pain medications including cannabis (both CBD and THC).

Other options.

A dark, comfortable room.

Heat and or cold treatment.

Magnesium injections and fluids.

Hot showers.

Physical therapy.

Dental treatment.

Roll-ons, creams and pain sprays with or without THC and CBD.

Tips on writing

Suggesting things like drinking water, doing yoga, taking xyz out of your diet, getting some sun, going for a walk or seeing a therapist is a really shitty thing to do. If you're doing this in your writing, then try to show it for what it is, an invading experience that happens over and over and over again. It's really nice when someone I know calls a person out on this.

Miragine sufferers often force themselves to function, if your character has a migraine and they have stuff to do, show that it's hard for them. Show that they are angry and distressed and want nothing more than to go home and rest and be out of pain.

Show the desperation that can take place. There are times I would have done anything to get out of pain. I would do whatever I could even if I knew it wasn't going to help. When all you can think about is how much pain you're in you will do anything to make it go away.

Being in pain all the time can make your normal abnormal, I can function fine at pain levels that send some people to the ER. You have no choice but to cope and many people (myself included) grow to dismiss their pain. Putting into words "it doesn't matter that I can't even keep water down or that the light shining through my eyelids makes me want to die, there's shit to be done."

I have cried when people have told me they have believed me, Many people do not want to be looked after, they just want to be acknowledged.

Fiction around someone looking after someone else can be wonderful (it's a part of many of my fics) If you want to write a caretaker fic/screen have the caretaker ask what the person needs, have them do research and show them being an advocate.

Please DM me if you have any questions.

[honeysuckle-venom]

12, 16, and 17?

Thank you so much for asking Felis!!!

12. Do you have any other identities that make your experience with your dissociative disorder different, such as neurodivergency, other disorders, or gender/racial identities?

You could probably guess the answer to this, but yes, I do! My schizophrenia and DID interact in some really interesting ways, some of which I'm still very much figuring out in therapy. Although all of us are schizophrenic, different parts experience it differently, and several parts (especially child parts) don't front during psychotic episodes at all and I think are incapable of fronting while we're in that state. I think that our DID helps keep some more vulnerable parts from experiencing the horrors of psychosis, and in some ways works as a protective coping mechanism against our schizophrenia. I also think that if I had just had schizophrenia and not also DID I might not have been able to graduate from college. Although I now have external confirmation from my therapist and certain friends that I was very much psychotic throughout college, I was largely unaware of it, and I think I had dissociative amnesia around a lot of my psychotic symptoms, which allowed me to not dwell on them and to focus on school. If I had been aware of how truly unwell I was I don't think I could have done it lol. So I think having DID has actually helped me cope with my schizophrenia in the past. But of course, having two highly stigmatized and difficult mental illnesses at once presents its own challenges, and I think it has made treatment more complicated for me and has played a significant role in confusing past therapists.

16. How does having a dissociative disorder affect your relationships to the people closest to you?

Hmm. I have no idea how to answer this one. Everyone I'm close to is aware that I have DID, and it doesn't tend to be an issue? At times it has made things slightly messy, and it played a big role in losing someone who had once been my best friend. We met when I was 14 and she was 13 (she's 6 months younger) and became very close, but over time as my mental illness became more severe our relationship had struggles. I was young and didn't have the support system or boundaries I do now, and I put more on her than she could handle. We were still close by the time I realized I had DID, when I was 19, but my various symptoms had been wearing on her for years, and I think the weirdness of DID was in some ways the final straw. When I was 22 we finally stopped talking for good, which was very painful and something I still struggle with. But with all of my other friends it's never really been a problem, and many of my closest friends are really, really wonderful when it comes to talking about DID stuff or interacting with different parts. A few of my close irl friends also have DID, which helps I think. And I'm just blessed to have a lot of really understanding people in my life. If I had a significant other or lived with someone it might cause more problems, but since I live alone and only see friends every so often it tends not to be a big deal I think, especially these days as uncontrolled switches are less frequent and so it's usually me spending time with friends unless otherwise discussed/invited.

That's all ignoring how it affects relationships with my parents, which is a much more complicated topic and not one I'm going to get into right now.

17. If you could tell someone questioning whether they have DID/OSDD one thing, what would it be?

Oh boy. Um....can I pick two? The first would be to focus on your symptoms, not necessarily the diagnosis. Honor your symptoms, seek treatment for them if possible, and don't get too caught up in diagnoses or online communities. The second thing, if they were pretty sure they had it, would be to have compassion for your parts as much as possible, and to communicate. Don't try to shove parts away or ignore their needs. Listen to them and try to work together. You're ultimately on the same team.

Thank you again for the questions!!!

[just-a-small-town-dork]

I have a question, why am i like this? I have been sitting in my dorm room all afternoon wanting to do something, its nice outside so reading outside sounds like a good idea and i have so many books both new and old but I dont want to read any of them, not that i don't want to but that i can't they aren't what im looking for.

ok why don't I watch some tv or a movie I have a whole list of new ones i've been wanting to watch and acess to all of my old favorites but nope I don't want to watch any thing but thats not exactly it becasue its not that i don't want to its that none of them feel right. So i think i'll draw for a bit but i cant think of a meidum to use to draw or a thing to draw, not that i don't have ideas, but none of them feel quite right. I want to go for a walk but I feel too weak, I feel to weak because I barely ate but i only barely ate because even all of my safe foods weren't quite what im looking for.

Ok so i'll listen to some music, ok great this is working puting on my drown it all out playlist but uh oh! nope you are not allowed to go past this song, you have to keep replaying it, it's the only thing so far that has eve come close to stasfiying that feeling so I latch onto it and think maybe i can get myself moving by playing this song on the ukelele or finish up that project im working on, writting out my favorite fan fics onto a note book so i can read a physical copy instead of always reading off my phone but nope, nuh uh, stop right there, none of those are gonna work so now im just sitting here, in my room on my bed, depressed and in a funk.

I could call somone in my family and talk to them but who and about what? no that won't work. what about my friends, I dont want to miss out and be anti social but i dont think i can handle being around other people right now besides i dont want to bother them and what would i even say? I could always call my old friends from back home but no because im too insecure right now and ive been too stressed that they hate me and besides what would i talk about? nope not that either, ok what about a nap? maybe? no... i dont know, typing on tumblr helped, but i cant do that for an eternity...

Am I the only memebr of the broken brain (ND) club that gets this feeling, probably not because ive learned as ive grown up that pretty much every part of my personality is a symptom of one of my disorders but still, do any other ND people out there get like this? How do you cope? How do you keep going? I refuse to let my brain win and go back to the dark place spent years clawing my way out of but days like today make it really really hard to remeber why i keep fighting, becuase im tired and its really hard.

[system-of-a-feather]

If you're still interested in posting, though, I think people'd still like to hear about recovery even if elements of it seem mundane now!

Just knowing it can be something that's a part of life rather than a super major thing all the time is nice, I think.

Oh yeah, for sure XD The issue only comes that when things are just part of life and not a super major thing is that you don't really feel as much of an urge / instinct / interest in posting it. Not much like a "oh they wont find this interesting" or a "eh this is boring so I dont feel like typing about it" but just more of a matter of like, you don't really THINK about posting on social media when you refill your gas tank or go to work.

At this point it's kind of just a thing that happens and is navigated around. Like trauma and DID and all still encompass my life a lot, but we've gotten pretty used to the surges and flow of things with recovery and relapses and our system responds pretty well and relatively reliably to each thing that comes up. Near crisises do still happen and like, we had one like a week ago because trauma processing and stuff were a BIG oof and all, but its kinda like, we have a good support system and have - as a whole - decent coping-navigation skills with one another, so while those moments are " a big deal" in the moment, they pass rather quickly since we rebound rather fast now.

Like by no means are we "recovered" or "healed", but I would like to say we have cleared (for the most part) the stabilization phase that I think is discussed a lot in DID recovery plans (don't quote me) and I've just really rapidly realized, having cleared it, just how important being able to create that stable base is for like... everything else XD

Cause in my experience, trauma symptoms haven't really stopped or even necessarily lessened in intensity, but after the like, four years of DID focused work and all, we have a much much much higher bar for coping and reliable ways to rebound quicker and safer.

A lot of our parts have "checks and balances" with others, a lot of our system is considerably fluid in roles so if one disappears the system just casually shifts around and adjusts to what is needed or beneficial at the moment. Most of our parts have at least a good respect for one another, or at least greatly respect their role. Not all of us can communicate with one another and we (being the majority, some gatekeepers and more internal parts have heavily implied and we have reason to know) don't really communicate or really know like half of the system since they are likely dormant at the moment, but thats okay and honestly I trust and am comfortable working with the "core team" we've been working with the past four years to really deal with almost any curveball this disorder might throw at us

So its just become a pretty comfortable place. The way I like to put it for myself is that if we were to choose to settle here and not process anymore trauma, we could live a decent life maintaining this as a status quo. We might be triggered, we might not get to do things we want and we might have issues, but we would live a life that was at least not miserable and we COULD settle and stop our healing if we wanted and "live like this".

With that being said, its only really at a point of sustainability and not like... flourishing or living the life we want / deserve / can, so we are still moving forward and all because that's what works for us and all, but its nice to know that with where we are in recovery - we probably could survive (with some struggle and stress) to not process anymore and anything from here is not a matter of "healing to survive" but "healing to live and take back".

Its a pretty nice place to be to be honest. Its not easy, or perfect, or lala healed magic rainbows I am CURED and no longer traumatized buy my secret plan for only $420.69 per month!!! or anything like that, still have C-PTSD, still have flashbacks and new alters and wack job system "lore" and plot twists and scares and I still find myself in dark closets sometimes, but its all just like... the normal inconvenient snow storms of the day when you need to work and less like a blizzard + avalanche during a camping trip

-Riku (Host)

[chibisquirt]

You don't have to answer, but if you wouldn't mind. What are some things you've learned about ADHD from Tumblr that are applicable to you, or others you may now? I've been reading more on it and how it manifests in girls/women and was curious when I read your rb on that post about Grammarly

I don’t mind at all!  Fair warning:  this is gonna be LONG.

I’m going to start by repeating something I mentioned in that post:  I was diagnosed in third grade, which was over two decades ago.  I had my diagnosis halfway through elementary school, much less high school and two rounds of college.  So a lot of the old information about ADHD I learned as a young person, and those things are worth exploring, too.  

Example:  It’s not that I’m not listening, Mrs. Nock, it’s just that if I try to keep my hands still, then the only thing I will retain from the lesson will be keep your hands still and not the things you trying to teach, which are supposedly important! 

(Mrs. Nock was the one who said to me, “I believe you believe you’re paying attention.”  Yes, it’s been fifteen years.  Yes, I’m still mad.  If you can’t have basic respect for your students, don’t teach.)

I figured out half on my own, half because of the counselling that if I had a fidget tool that didn’t require words I would pay better attention than if I tried to sit still.  (I still remember being mocked by my dad for fidgeting well after making that discovery, though.  Apparently diagnoses should only inform compassion when they’re his.)  On the same lines, I also figured out that music in the background wouldn’t work for me if it had words, and television is too distracting for me to use at all.  (I have a friend, though, whose ADHD works the opposite way:  he has difficulty focusing if there isn’t a television in the background.  Yes, both are valid.)

So, the Classics:  

I always had trouble with organization and cleaning, had trouble with schedules and calendars and managing my time.  Those are the things they’ll warn you about, the things they’ll tell you in counselling are natural and normal things for people with ADHD to have trouble with.  Trouble paying attention, sure.  Trouble sitting still.  Procrastination.  Got it.

But if you turn those traits around and re-frame them, they become a new set of symptoms.  Adaptations for these new symptoms are more personal and universally applicable in my life, and therefore, to my mind, more useful.

Take Procrastination.  (No really: please take it.)  That just means “putting it off until tomorrow,” and there are lots of reasons to do it:  “don’t have the tool I need” is one of the biggies, “want to conserve steps” trips me up a lot, “I still have time to get to it” is HUGE for me...  But a lot of times, these are just superficial reasons.  The re-framed symptom is, Trouble making yourself do things you don’t want to do.  

ADHD is an executive function disorder.  That’s a phrase I first learned on Tumblr, by the way; it may have been mentioned by one of my earlier counsellors, but it definitely wasn’t taught.  

This is why soooo many of us have struggled with the perception (including self-perception) that we’re lazy!  But no one tells the kid in the wheelchair he’s just lazy for not playing basketball.  (Okay, they totally do.  People are terrible.  Ignore that, stick to the point.)  I reframe this the way I do because acknowledging this as a symptom, taking the blame out of it, makes it easier to find adaptation.

Now, this is a personal post.  YMMV.  But I have an easier time managing my conduct if, instead of calling myself lazy a procrastinator, I say, “I keep not doing that --> oh it’s because I Don’t Wanna --> how can I con myself into doing it?”  (Strategies include bargaining, making it easier, powering through but then allowing yourself to stop afterwards, just acknowledging that I Don’t Wanna and allowing that to be valid...)  Procrastination is an action, but “executive function disorder” is a disease and “I Don’t Wanna” is its trigger, just as much as an allergy and a clump of ragweed are.  “Procrastination” is a powerful sphynx against which I’m helpless, but “I Don’t Wanna Disease” lets me start cultivating my metaphorical catnip and researching the answers to common riddles.

And while we’re talking about procrastination--and trouble with deadlines, and schedules in general--let’s talk about Time Insensitivity.  Missed deadlines and perpetual lateness (perpetual) are external actions, just like procrastination, and they can have all sorts of explanations.  

(Shoutout to Mrs. Pollack, who looked around a classroom containing thirteen-year-old me, and, knowing full well that I was chronically tardy, declared that “anybody who’s always running late, deep down, they just doesn’t care about anybody else’s time.”  Great job with calling the thirteen-year-old a heartless bitch, Mrs. Pollack!  As you can tell, I definitely forgot it very quickly, and didn’t at all have a self-critical breakdown about it, periodically revisiting the question of my own inherent selfishness for years!!!)

But ignoring the external actions, let’s take a compassionate look inside the head again.  Executive function includes regulation of, and awareness of the passing of, time.  Again: you can’t play the basketball with no legs.  We literally do not realize what time is doing.  Sometimes we do--if we devote enough of our attention to it, which may be a large amount for some, a small amount for others, or a variable amount for the same person.  But our brains literally don’t process it the same way.  

But hold on a minute--let’s go back to that analogy.  Because actually, people with no legs can play basketball!  It’s just that you have to use the adaptation of wheelchairs to do it--and that’s an adaptation for the game and for the players.  

I use alarms.  I’ve recently seen a post about audio memos as alarms.  There are people who just slap clocks everywhere.  When I was forced to work in a kitchen with no clocks, I used the multi-setting timer and set it for like four hours so I would know if I was keeping on schedule.  I also chose a job environment where much of my shift is the same as itself, and rigid punctuality isn’t enforced--that’s adapting my environment, instead of myself.  There’s all kinds of adaptations.  But you have to know you have the condition before you can compensate for it.

Here’s a fun little story:  when I was... oh, eleven?  Twelve?  My Quaker Meeting’s youth group (#7 whitest phrase I’ve ever written) went to the museum together.  One of the stops was in the children’s section, there was a... a pegboard, I think?  With some kind of problem on it.  A puzzle.  Me and a couple others sat down at it, and it took me a while, but eventually I solved it, and I looked up.  

I blinked.  “Where is everybody?” I said.

“They left,” said my mom.  “Half an hour ago.”  

I was stunned.  “Half an hour ago?!  But I couldn’t’ve spent more than ten minutes on this!”

“I promise you, it was half an hour.”

“Why didn’t you call me??  Why didn’t you say my name?”

“We did.  Several times.”

To this day, I will swear myself blind that I never heard a thing.

Hyperfocusing.  They’ll tell you about the problems focusing; oh yes.  They’ll tell you allll about that one.  But they won’t tell you about the flip side of it.  They won’t tell you about the times when the rest of the world falls away, and the only two things in the world are you and whatever problem you’re trying to solve.  

D’y’know what, I bet that’s the reason I test well.  I just realized this now, phrasing it like that, but--I’ve always tested well, even when my actual practical applications of things are mediocre I do well with the classroom testing on it.  I scored a 39 on the MCAT, back when it was out of 45 and not whatever it is now.  (To those with the plain good sense not to want to be doctors:  that’s pretty good.)  And I just bet it’s because, once I get focused on solving the problems, the other problems--nerves, intrusive thoughts, anxiety--just don’t have room to get in.  Hyperfocusing can be a superpower, if you can harness it.  

But it can also blind you to everything else.  And it works in smaller ways, too:  once I think I understand something, it is very difficult for me to perceive information that contradicts that understanding.  I still get the map of the Elflands backwards every time I read The Goblin Emperor, just because I pictured it one way, and every indication in the text that it was the other way just fell on deaf ears.  

And this one leads right into the next, which is Rejection Sensitivity Disorder.  RSD is hyperfocus, but it’s hyperfocus on how everyone must hate you.  It’s delightful!  I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, as well, and I do have both of those things, but for my money, I think that this one symptom of ADHD--which no doctor has ever even mentioned to me--has hurt me more than both of those conditions combined.  

The last one I’m going to bring up is Auditory Processing Disorder.  Now, I’ve gone and gotten re-diagnosed twice in my life, and the last time was just a few years ago, so they actually used this one in the test.  The psychologist told me about it, she just didn’t use the phrase Auditory Processing Disorder, and she didn’t tell me that it was its own symptom--she just used it for the test.  

What she did was, she gave me two hearing tests, one to test whether or not I could hear, and then the other a list of words that all sounded alike, and I had to mark which one I was hearing.  The second part of that was very long, and very boring, and despite scoring perfectly on the first test, I got several wrong on the second.  I was actually surprised by that; I at no point suspected I had heard any of them wrong.  When she gave me the test, told me this was proof by contradiction, that we were ruling out hearing loss as an alternative explanation for my difficulties.  It was only after the test was done that she explained that the pattern I showed was actually part of the diagnosis of ADHD; that we get bored, and stop really paying attention, and that we don’t even know we’re doing it.

...Okay, but you couldn’t have mentioned the part where I also do that every day in real life, lady?!?!  It’s not just when we’re bored, it’s not just for long processes.  I do this all the time.  I actually tell people now that “I actually have a neurological condition that makes it hard for me to hear; I can tell that you’re speaking, but I can’t tell what you’re saying.”  

This is 100% true.  It is a neurological condition.  

We label this a condition, but as a society, we don’t treat it that way.  Society treats it as yet another excuse.  It’s not.  You’re not lazy, stupid or crazy.  Neither am I.  

I have a condition.  Acknowledging that is the first step of treatment.  Not five thousand sticky notes, not binders or filing systems or even taking all the doors off the cupboards (although I definitely plan to do that one as soon as I possibly can).  Not counselling sessions with so many different people I can’t even name them all, for the love of god please understand that you can’t just fix it with pills.  

(Although mad props to the people who thought Concerta would magically solve me at the age of nine!  Spoiler alert:  it did not do that!  But it did mean that my parents felt comfortable blaming me for all my failures again, so it did at least some of what it was designed for, I guess. :) )   

I have spent the last few years re-understanding my ADHD it as is:  a neurological condition, a disability, and a simple fact of life.  A starting place, instead of yet more proof of my own inherent insufficiency.  And you know what?  When you take the blame and self-hatred out of the diagnosis--when you stop cursing it as the cause of all your problems and start trying to work with it, instead--it gets a lot easier to manage. 

[letitrainathousandflames]

I don't mean to be invasive - but I just wanted to say I *LOVE* your comic! So so so much because this is how I feel too; and its really relieving to see that I am not alone in this feeling. I was actually wondering if you'd gotten your diagnosis test results back and how you feel about them now? And how difficult was the process of getting a diagnosis if you don't mind me asking? If I am being too forward please dont be afraid to tell me! <3 Well wishes to you!

[warning: this will get long, i’m so sorry...]

Hello! I haven’t yet... I just finished taking the tests yesterday, so it might take a little while for the psychiatrist to “grade” them because there are a LOT of tests.

If I am ADHD, I suspect I am at the innatentive part of the spectrum - which made me a daydreaming, homework-forgetting child but not a loud or disruptive one at school. Being a woman also makes it more difficult to get diagnosed.

But the signs, GOSH the signs. They were everywhere. I was too shy and didn’t talk to anyone - unless to my family and close friends, whom I left exhausted because I talked too much. I kept forgetting my homework. I didn’t write down anything in class bc I was either doodling, daydreaming or sleeping - ADHDers have a different circadian rhythm, so at 7am my brain was still lethargic.

The green coat in the comic? I rescued it from my school’s lost and found box about three times every month bc I kept forgetting it in the classroom. In college, it was my flash drive filled with the entire semester’s assignment. I get lost very easily. I have a cold cup of tea next to me right now - I forgot to drink it while it was hot, about two hours ago.

I could continue listing my many many many symptoms here, but I guess you get the gist of it. Needless to say, I hated school. They wanted me to understand math when all I wanted was to learn topics of my own interests. So I had terrible grades and a confusing paradox: bad grades meant i was dumb. But I was learning basic japanese and two fictional languages and their structures as a hobby. I liked studying how to conjugate verbs in lord of the rings’ elvish for fun. My classmates were struggling with basic english while I was already at intermediate level just because I really wanted to understand the plot of my favorite video games, which were all in english.

I was twelve, juggling four languages in my brain for fun just because words fascinated me, and in spite of that, the adults at my school and the grades on my report said i was dumb. I could already make out song lyrics in english by ear, I had memorized the hiragana alphabet in japanese and I could even hold a small conversation in elvish with a fellow nerd.

But I was dumb to the world, and obviously to myself as well because you internalize that shit when they say it over and over. I perceived my entire worth as my grades, and since they were quite low... yeah.

I’m 30. I only started thinking about the possibility of me not being lazy and having terrible time management skills and just not caring about anything at all around 2-3 years ago, tops. I spent nearly my entire life thinking that I’m just... defective, because everyone else around me seemed to be doing fine.

Still, I consider myself lucky because I live in the age of the internet. I stumbled upon a few posts about dealing with constant disorganization, executive dysfunction, rejection sensitive dysphoria, etc. and it just blew my mind - “other people are dealing with that? other people are suffering with that? and it has a name?? and this condition can be treated/understood/improved???”

About what led me to finally getting my diagnosis - I have this super cool psychiatrist that was helping me with my anxiety (which, haha, might be a symptom of my untreated adhd), and when I told her about my suspicions she said “hey, I wouldn’t suggest this if you were a kid, or a younger person but since you’re a full grown adult, I can prescribe you some ritalin and you take like, half of the smallest dose, just to try and see if it helps you focus.” And it did. So I was like “oh. oh, I need to look deeper into this.”

Now I’m waiting for the results and... trying not to freak out, haha.

If you can, try to find a good therapist - not only therapy might be highly positive to you as it is to me, but your therapist can also point you to the right direction. They’ll be glad to refer you to a professional that can have you tested for any disorder you might have, and will also help you find ways to cope with your shortcomings (for example, to help me stop procrastinating, my therapist made a deal with me to show her at least one new page of my current project on every session ^^”)

Sorry for this being so messy, half-personal confession, half-advice. I hope I didn’t ramble too much. Good luck, dear! I hope you find your happiness soon! <3

[prestisssimo-tempestuoso]

I wonder why we never see mukuro eats, sleep, or even exhausted? He seems, never stop thinking or doing something. Always sooo busy LOL Or maybe its because mukuro don't have enough screentime in manga/anime? When in the future arc after his escaped from vindice, normal human who in place like that should feels something in their body. But mukuro doesn't look like that at all. Or the truth mukuro hide all of them?

“Why we never see Mukuro sleep”

Hahahaha, do you know what, I’ve wondered this exact same thing before! There’s this page in C389, when Tsuna flies around Namimori asking for help from all the villains he’s ever defeated/redeemed/converted, and it’s supposed to be the middle of the night, and when he gets to Kokuyo, Mukuro is just…sitting there alone. In the dark. On that ratty couch. In the abandoned theatre/bowling alley with the lights off. Expectant.

I mean. Does he have precognition? Did he, through some extraordinary feat of predictive intelligence, deduce that Tsuna was going to come? (Judging by the little exclamation mark, probably not, right?) So then was he just…..lounging around fully-dressed and battle-ready, alone, in the middle of the night, for no apparent reason?? What do you Do on your downtime, Mukuro??

Or did he just happen to want to be alone? (Come on, Mukuro. That’s not healthy for you, brooding alone in the dark.)

Literally the only other logical conclusion I can come to is insomnia or disturbed sleep pattersn of some kind. Which would make sense, since he spent years away from sunlight, and it’s a frequent symptom of depression/anxiety-related disorders. I mean, not to go full couch psychologist on a shonen manga, but. It would make sense in his context. 

It’s probable that Mukuro, someone who spent years on the run, sometimes is seized by an inexplicable sense of immediacy and danger, which keeps him from sleep. It would make sense, but it’s…..sad, to say the least. That he’s so on guard and wound up all the time under that calm facade that he can’t even divert himself in other ways when sleep evades him.

(And now I’m wondering where do the Kokuyo gang keep their beds, but that’s another topic. Oh wait - could part of Mukuro’s insomnia be attributable to the level of responsibility he feels towards all those under his protection? In other words - is he keeping watch? Which - yeah. He isn’t incorrect, per se, but I don’t think any other leader in the entire manga is as vigilant and watchful as he is. Then again, no one else has quite as colourful a past, as many enemies, as Mukuro does.)

Returning to the rest of your point:

Yeah, I do think part of that is a side-effect of Mukuro being a side character, and us mostly seeing him through Tsuna’s perspective (other than the aforementioned page, which is just generally puzzling. I mean, I think all the others Tsuna visited were at least doing something. Byakuran was eating his stupid marshmallows, Enma sleeping, the Varia gathered together doing whatever it is they do behind closed doors. But no, not Mukuro. He’s just…lounging. In the dark. ….Okay?)

From Tsuna’s perspective, of course he’s this nearly invincible, unknowable figure, of course he wouldn’t show any weakness to Sawada Tsunayoshi of all people. Not that he’s fine with showing weakness in front of anyone, really. Which, I think, is the crux of the problem. Like I’ve previously mentioned, I only recall him being openly vulnerable a total of three times in the series, and twice of those was when he was literally unconscious. The other was after a near-death attack from the Vindice, when he was badly injured. 

(I love that panel, btw, and the induction of Verde into the Kokuyo gang. Unlike everyone else there, Verde is not Mukuro’s subordinate or responsibility, but a partner and co-conspirator. They’re on equal status, and probably because of their disparity in age, Verde even seems to feel like he’s responsible for Mukuro. The visible concern he displays when he rushes into that room is very touching. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so visibly panicked over Mukuro’s wellbeing before - the others, however worried they are over Mukuro, do seem to buy into his projected invulnerability at least on some level, and wouldn’t devolve to quite that degree of franticness. 

I think later in the arc Verde even attempts to dissuade Mukuro from carrying on with the battles, probably worried that he’d get hurt again. It’s quite funny, when you notice how quickly Verde grew to care for Mukuro & co., compared to how in the beginning he’s all business-like and objective and seemingly the picture of a stereotypical, low-on-empathy scientist. Actually - could it be that this is the first time Verde’s had a real friend, too? All this talk of Mukuro’s charisma, and in the end he’s not immune either.

Other than Verde, the only other equal that Mukuro trusts that I can think of is TYL!Fran.)

Although it’s interesting to note, too, that Mukuro probably has a different reason for needing to appear invulnerable to different people. Tsuna is easy - baby mafia, failed target, potential threat. Most others are enemies and treated accordingly. But his need to appear invincible in front of his clique is on yet another level of complexity, I think. He’s their pillar, their physical as well as emotional support. No matter the real situation, I think he’s always felt a driving need to at least appear to have things under control - 1. so that he doesn’t lose their trust and loyalty and 2. so that they’d be spared the kind of constant psychological stress that Mukuro operates under.

So yes, he does seem to be constantly on the move, plotting something, planning something, getting into everyone’s business. If Mukuro alots himself any spare time at all, it’s probably very little. It makes a sad kind of sense as far as him having to plan everything constantly back in the days when he, Ken & Chikusa are running away from the entire mafia world. I mean, imagine the kind of preemptive plotting you’d have to do, how stressed you’d constantly be, looking over your shoulder all the time, doubting every decision and yet unable to confide in anyone. 

Just the lack of security in general of his early childhood would’ve created a monstrous drive to constantly be doing something to get ready, I think. Combined with his thoughtful, introspective, and secretive nature, and the massive store of memories he says he has, I’m not surprised he spend so much time within himself. Because it’s all on him to do everything right - to plan everyone’s future, make sure they’re physically sound and hopefully not too unhappy. 

He’s responsible for so many people, with no one to help him (Tsuna) or delegate tasks to (Hibari), so of course he’s trying to run himself to the ground. But there’s hope that things will get better in the future - Verde is here, for one, and the others will grow up eventually, and hopefully help him raise all the other children he’d inevitably attract and collect lol.

(Look he’s just a Worrywart in general and that’s Valid of him okay lol)

Why we never see Mukuro eat:

WELL now that you mention this, I’m extremely confused and concerned, too! I think there’s evidence that K&C&C eats very unheahtlhy food, and Mukuro…I think the only instance is when he’s in prison and being fed through a tube. And he’s always bordering on unheahitly thin. Mukuro are you eating well?

My best guess is that this again has something to do with vulnerability, so maybe he’s not comfortable eating around people at all?? Or it could just be a coincidence?? It’s all a Mystery to me, and now I’m determined to make Mukuro eat stuff in my fics lol. I mean I already do. He just seems like someone who needs to eat better in general.

On your last point of why Mukuro shows no physical effects of being bound immobile underwater for 1-10 years:

This puzzles me too. It’s either that we’ve skipped the rehabilitation period, or Mukuro is hiding the worst of it with his apparently ~Miraculous~ powers of illusion (Imagine how confused I was when I first saw that illusions can apparently replace real organs??? Amano I’m sorry but what??) It’s probably a combination of both, because I don’t think in the Future Arc Mukuro had sufficient time to heal 10+ years of physical damage. Fran could have conceivably helped, and with their powers combined, they can probably at least get Mukuro through the final battle period without exposing too much weakness.

To digress a little: It’s actually hilarious to me that midway into the manga Amano just casually made all illusionists potential healers and all around miracle workers. The Sun Flame is supposed to be the healing/regeneration flame, but it can’t exactly regrow entire organs now can it??? So which is the healing flame, really?

A theory that I have: illusion as we traditionally understand it is probably only one potential use of the Mist Flame, but if we follow the logic that the Mist attribute is “Construction“, then all illusions must, at least to a certain extent, be real. The things that Mist Flame constructs seem to range from basically illusory to borderline indistinguishable from the real, physical thing.

If all illusions are at least somewhat physical, then that defeats the previously established rule of “illusions only work if you let them“. But then that rule didn’t make too much sense originally either (can you get burned, if you believe illusory fires to be real?) This is what you get when you try to mash together two distinct concepts and meld them into one. The rules of how illusions/Mist Flame works in KHR is just very confusing and nonsensical to me in general. The whole ”real illusions“ bit doesn’t help, either. It seems that every time Amano tries to expand on the concept, she just makes it even more incomprehensible. Perhaps that’s the point?

With some serious mental gymnastics I can probably work around how these two rules of the Mist Flame/illusions seemingly contradict each other. Such as: Mist Flames under a certain degree of potency lack physical presence and therefore can be easily dispelled by lack of belief in them. Conversely, a high degree of concentration can lead to physical effects. So the Flame itself would be psychosomatic - an interaction and balance between the Psycho and the Somatic. But let’s not get too deep into shonen manga physics (says I, after I wasted four whole paragraphs on the topic)

Coming back to your point, I do think Mukuro will need a real rehabilitation period after the final battle in both timelines. If he won’t then too bad, his clique can just gang up on him again. Forced bed rest can definitely be made a thing. If he doesn’t, all this physical strain is going to catch up with him for sure - and then he’d be forced to rest anyway. 

I think we at least have a good start on the resting/healing bit at the end of the manga, because everybody is in the hospital. But then, well, they did trash a whole wing asap, so who the hell even knows what’ll become of these kids anymore…

(Oh! That reminds me! We see Mukuro eating chocolate ice in the last chapter! Yay :D)

[boredliondisorder]

Let's say you knew all about BPD before going to therapy, and you were diagnosed already. Would you still have gone to therapy, do you believe it was worth it for you? I don't know if it's worth going for me, I know I'll never be able to get that attachment, love and trust that I need anyways, might as well just pretend to be an NT until I can die. It's a life full of pain for sure but we'll have that anyways, won't we? Why therapy? Was hoping you could share the benefits you got from it.

---

Oh this might be a long one. OK.

I was actually diagnosed over ten years ago in 2008, iirc. At that point, I was in the hospital and was told that I either had to see a therapist of the doctor’s choosing, or I’d stay in the hospital for an indeterminate length of time. Staying in the hospital would cause me to lose my job, etc, So I agreed to see a therapist.

It took them quite a while to find someone who would treat a person with a diagnosis of BPD. Back then, BPD was seen as incurable and dangerous. No one wanted to risk their career or their life treating someone with BPD. Even though it turned out that people with BPD (those who legitimately suffered from it and weren’t just abusive) are not dangerous, and their outbursts are based around fear. Many thanks to Dr. Linehan for her work in that area.

Anyway, to make that long story short, the therapist tried to convince me I didn’t have BPD. It was a nightmare all around, and I left as soon as I could.

So I lived with that diagnosis for eleven years, not truly understanding it, warning people about it, both attaching myself to people and HATING that attachment to people, going through minor ups and downs, until a medical problem caused the anti-psychotics I was on to stop working.

Then I actually had to face the diagnosis. It started to get bad. But it was such a slow process that I didn’t realize it. Eventually, I hurt the people who mattered to me most, which is what BPD tends to lead to over and over and over, and I realized that if it happened again, I wouldn’t be able to take it. I’d rather kill myself than live through that again. I had to break the cycle.

I really did want to live. I wanted to live to finish my book, to see my nephews grow up, to achieve my dream of getting venomous snake certification and working with my favorite elapid, the king cobra. I couldn’t do all that if I was dead.

At the time I decided to go back to therapy, I knew SO MUCH about BPD. I was sure it would be useless for me for the same reasons you do: that I was doomed to repeat this pattern for the rest of my (possibly short) life, working at trust for weeks and months, then losing it because of a disease that refuses to disappear. A lot of this is in my previous posts, so I won’t go into it all in detail again, but my mind finally got to a point where it refused to accept friendship. I didn’t talk to anyone except my parents, my sister, and my best friend for weeks.

I found a therapist who specialized in BPD. And that’s important, because she helped me discover where my BPD came from--where it started and the reasons for it--as well as learning to question the fears that often led to the stereotypical “borderline rage.” She taught me how to take a step back and re-evaluate. To leave a situation alone for a while until I had a legitimate answer. To actually have discussions with people instead of accusing.

I’ve already been able to use these new skills when it comes to very slowly forming bonds with people. That’s another thing I learned--how to not go from 0 to 60 in a new friendship, but develop it slowly. To not saddle new friends with my problems, but to get to know them first. And sometimes it turns out--as I’ve found a couple times already--that those friends aren’t right for hearing my issues, and I would have hurt myself by rushing into an unsustainable friendship.

And this took... so much time. I am still learning. And I think I always will have to continue learning, because BPD isn’t curable. The things most people know when it comes to emotion and relationships aren’t things that come to us naturally. You can recover from BPD, but the skills you learn are hard-fought and difficult to master. In a lot of ways, a person with BPD who has recovered is always going to have to “fake it” in the simplest of terms.

But that’s okay. To paraphrase the saying, if you can’t naturally form healthy emotional attachments, therapy-learned is okay, too.

In your ask, you said “might as well just pretend to be an NT until I can die.” And honestly, that’s... The whole point of therapy. Therapy’s going to help you pretend, and over time, pretending will become easier. Almost natural. And there will be days when you want to backtrack. When you want to say “why don’t you love me?” to your very best friends. But you’ll have the tools to Not Do That, which is more than you might have now.

It’s unfortunate that NTs refuse to truly accommodate those with BPD, but they really can’t understand it because they don’t grasp the intensity of the emotions we suffer. They don’t understand why we’re asking them to help us in a certain way, or fuck, to just pick up a book and read about the disorder. NTs on tumblr have also been told over and over that they’re justified for “leaving abusive people, even if they’re mentally ill,” and that’s where the mindset remains. So many people equate the symptoms of BPD with actual abuse, so much so that when you tell a neurotypical person that you have BPD, the response I’ve always gotten without fail is “but you don’t seem like that type of person.”

I’m working to change that. I don’t think I could do that without therapy. It’s an uphill battle, but I think I’ve gotten through to some people already. I’m going to continue to try.

In summary, it’s okay to use therapy as a way to learn how to pretend. And in pretending, you’ll learn to feel better, because you won’t be destroying your friendships at every turn. When the low part of your cycle starts its upswing, you’ll still have friends there to help you. Try not to resent them too much for their ignorance.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, even if it’s a lot of work. But I guarantee that if you find a therapist you like who specializes in BPD, you’ll eventually start to see improvement. Seriously. I think we’re all naturally suspicious and we’re so sure that therapy can’t help us, but it really can. I’ve been right where you are, and I’m glad I decided to go.

[deadmomjokes]

Normal Anon Again 1: Your response was great, don't worry about a thing there. I just really feel stuck because Im still with my emotionally abusive family, and so I had to sneak to even see a doctor. I honestly felt like the doctor barely ever heard me at all, so even though she did prescribe an SSRI (not that she said what brand), I'm kind of scared to continue treatment with her. Because I made the notebook with a lot of care, she said I had OCD and did bring it up again later when I

had refuted it and tried to explain the notebook was just something I wanted to be well done for her. She didn't ever look at it either, so she based it off me buying little tabs and labeling them for ease of access and writing my name on the front I guess? I don't have a lot of money, as I don't have a job, and getting a job is the main reason I want to try medication... I basically have to move out by 2020 from my family, both by their desires and mine, so I'm on acrazy deadline to try to get my life together and I feel like I have no time to find someone new if I'm going to be looking to move away when all the apartments are renting. So it feels like if I want to try medication this is my one chance, but I don't feel like I can trust the doctor handling them. I don't know if I should just try to find a way to make my life work out for a couple months or give the medication a shot even though I don't trust the provider...I've got to worry about getting a job this month or being homeless too, which is why it feels so one or the other for my current situation. Thank you so much for all your feedback, sorry if this was a little messy being explained, I'm a bit frazzled yet, haha.

Oh man, I’m SO very sorry for everything you’re going through! You’re dealing with a ton, and this incident with Dr Garbage certainly didn’t help.

One thing that may be a possibility is going to a normal doctor, like a family medicine doc or general practitioner, and talking to them about your anxiety/depression problems. They can also prescribe psych medication, and it might be easier to pass off around your family and/or to find once you move, since a lot of offices partner or have networks that you can just transfer through. Anyone from a Nurse Practitioner to a PhD in general medicine can prescribe meds like an SSRI or even low-level mood stabilizers. (For my recently upped dosage, I went to a PA-C and they consulted with the folks at my obgyn, so I never even saw a psychiatrist. Tho I’m trying to get in with one anyway, but that’s way beside the point.)

I definitely understand you being unable to trust the current provider; she clearly didn’t hear you or take everything (anything?) into account. Anyone who comes to you from an emotionally abusive situation should warrant a ton of follow-up questions and in-depth probing. Even beyond that, just in general, taking stock of all the symptoms and reviewing any identified triggers is going to go a long way toward real diagnosis. Your notebook should have made her job a breeze, instead of her having to pick through your anecdotes of what happens when, she could just look at your notes! You were doing everything right; a therapist’s dream, honestly. I’ve been in therapy for years and I’m still not that good at keeping tabs on my own symptoms and patterns. I’m enraged on your behalf, because when someone comes to you for help you should reach back out to them, not be prescriptivist even if you’re dealing with prescriptions.

If medication is something you’ve been considering for a while, and feel like it might be a good fit for you, it may be worth trying the current prescription even though the current doctor is garbage, since SSRIs are usually the first try medications anyway. But that always comes with risks, because sometimes the first try doesn’t really work out for you or your specific situation. But SSRIs as a category are pretty safe, and are used for anxiety disorders (including panic disorder and generalized anxiety), ptsd, depression, and ocd as well. So chances are even if you found a psych who did their job well (aka not labeling you ocd for being prepared), they were going to land on an SSRI as a first try, too. That definitely doesn’t make it an easy decision, tho. That nagging fear may always be with you if you try it anyway despite not really trusting her diagnosis, and that could add a layer of complexity to deciding whether the medicine is right for you. Especially if you end up needing to switch medication or dosage, having a doctor you trust from the outset is going to be important.

I obviously cannot tell you what to do, nor do I want to, or even think I should if I could, because personal situations are just that--personal. I would only caution that if you’re already having difficulty getting or doing a job without medical assistance (ie medication), that trying it under serious stress for a few months may do more harm than good as far as worsening your difficulties, or causing new ones. However, sometimes we aren’t in the position to make the “best” decision for our health because living takes precedence; I’ve taken plenty of jobs that wrecked my mind and body and I kept them anyway because I absolutely had to. So I’m not going to get on a high horse because I know exactly how hard it is, and the difficult decisions you have to make in order to survive. I’m just so very sorry you are in that position to make such a decision.

If you do decide to try the medication anyway, some tips on kind of “going it alone” since you won’t be able to/won’t want to go back to the original doctor:

Start at a lower dose than the full final dosage. If she didn’t prescribe a “titration” schedule, starting at half dose for a week is a good place to begin.

Understand that things might get worse before they get better. You might have horrible mood swings, really bad depressive days, or bad anxiety spells before you start seeing the true effects. This isn’t indicative of whether the medicine is going to work eventually, but if it becomes too much for you to deal with, you should stop anyway.

Side effects may come and go. Just worth noting.

If possible, have someone close to you who knows that you’re starting this medicine. Obviously not a family member given your situation, but if you have a friend or anyone you do trust in your immediate vicinity, or even a friend you communicate with long-distance, make sure someone knows. That way you have someone to report in to and who can check up on you as you adjust.

Start by taking them with food, even if it doesn’t have a nausea warning. I’d suggest evening meal or soon thereafter, because SSRIs often cause drowsiness at first (great for helping with insomnia tho!).

You’re probably going to have a full month or two before it reaches its peak effect, since this is your first time trying them. You might see some relief right away, but full efficacy takes time as it builds up in your system. If you can tolerate the side effects (or don’t have any), and you’re able to deal with the mood swings or psychiatric effects, stick with it at least 6 weeks.

Listen to that “don’t drive or operate machinery” warning. First-time-medication drowsiness is a special breed that sneaks up on you and also makes you feel WEIRD.

You can also see about filling the prescription and then researching the name on the label before you decide whether or not to take it. Or, if you have an online account with the pharmacy, as with CVS, you can see the name of the drug there, or even call the pharmacy she sent it to and ask them what the name of it was (”for insurance purposes” or “because I forgot which one it was”) and then research it on sites like Mayo Clinic and rxlist.com (don’t do webmd). These websites include lists of what it’s approved to treat, so if you’re fairly certain you actually have anxiety/depression, look for that on the list. Just know that all websites are essentially required to remind you that an SSRI (really any antidepressant or mood stabilizer) could worsen any suicidal thoughts or behaviors, though this is mostly a risk for the 24 and under crowd with emphasis on teenagers. And it doesn’t happen to everyone.

Should you decide not to do the medicine right now because of the doctor who prescribed it, I applaud you for your bravery and strength in facing both your uncertain future and your mental/emotional difficulties without the assistance you feel you need. That’s a hard, hard thing to do, and I wish it wasn’t a choice you had to make.

I’ll be sending good vibes, thoughts, and prayers your way as you’re dealing with so many transitions and difficulties. I know cyber hugs are kind of a dated internetism, and may not mean much, but I give you all the cyber hugs my cyber arms can muster.

[smallblanketfort]

i know its kind of a taboo thing to diagnose yourself with a mental illness but i really really relate to things ive read online and even on your twitter about bpd how do i know i feel like i at least have to know but i also don't want to find out that i'm faking it

this is one of my favorite subjects, tbh. just because i feel like people are always polarized on this and we don’t have to be. okay. this is my personal stance, i’m willing to discuss this, so please don’t take what i say as fact, or yell at me for being wrong. just tell me what you think. im so sorry im so wordy

so first of all, a disorder is born out of something that naturally exists. take depression: “sad” is a feeling. “numb” sometimes happens. sometimes you dont want to get out of bed. people occasionally have Days. But. it’s an issue if it’s excessive, disruptive (hence the term disorder)/hurtful. ocd isn’t being “neat.” borderline personality disorder is a topic you’ll see all over tumblr… people love to reblog bpd posts bc they’re so “relatable.” “oh! i miss people too! i’m clingy! haha cute :-)” but really like. bpd will make life very very challenging. it’s not cute or relatable. elements come from natural characteristics, but are deepened. like comparing light pink to magenta. they’re similar but they’re not at all the same. yanno? so-

-so my first thought on selfdx is that you should never!!! rush!!!! it really frustrates me when “depression” and “suicide” become trendy among teenagers. it encourages self destructive behaviors because it’s just “what you do.” it’s not to be taken lightly. these labels are not romantic. it’s this really tough balance between releasing stigma without turning it into a cute snapchat filter, yanno? so. if you’re going to look into selfdx be very very careful. go very slowly. 

so do so with a shit ton of research. i self diagnosed before official diagnosis, and i haven’t stopped reading about bpd in a couple years. i have about three books on the floor and several safari tabs up on my phone at all times. part of this is because i’m convinced i’m faking, and i hope i’ll stumble across that key. but the thing is, research, if done correctly, thoroughly, and honestly, will be the most surreal thing you ever do. holy. fucking. shit. i get goosebumps every single time. all these things that are pulled straight from my mind and my view, are in black and white. often these are things i never could have identified as abnormal; like last night i found an article about symptoms not often discussed, and it included not being able to comprehend measurement units and time? i never realized that was a thing, but it makes sense. so anyway. it will be frightening and enlightening and cool and nerve wracking and interesting. it’ll make you want to disappear and crawl out of your skin and want to meet others like you, all at once. be very honest. read and read and read and talk to people who are diagnosed. examine this.

a doctor will use dsm-5 to diagnose 

a mental illness. it’s literally a checklist. you’ll see “dsm-5″ all the time, it means diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders - whatever edition they’re on at the time. look it up. read through them. read the provided studies.

along with examining the illnesses, examine yourself. you know yourself better than a doctor ever will. a doctor will ask you questions, but you will answer. so really. try. to hear yourself. start keeping a journal. i highly suggest free mood tracker apps like stigma and pacifica. stigma is very simple to use; select a mood you felt that day and write a 300 word limit entry. pacifica is much more in depth; it’s amazing, but overwhelming at first. i try to take breaks from reading about it, because reading about disorders automatically makes characteristics emerge more heightened from my behavior. i also have this terrible habit of labeling and then dissociation, instead of allowing myself to feel without immediately analyzing myself. but it’s important to take a step back and examine how you think, what you think, and how it all impacts your actions. 

also think about why you want to figure it out. do you want to have a Thing, a story? or do you just want to understand yourself? remember that mental illness is like. almost purely chemical. not something to just play with.

it’s all very tricky, especially when dealing with personality disorders. the thing is, tho, like a label is going to do u very little good unless ur seeing someone or thinking. like. nothing about YOU is changing. when i say someone, i mean a medical professional or anyone in general. having a label will help you get medication, get proper therapy, help you feel less alone, and help others around you figure out how to help you. that’s an entirely different discussion i could talk about for 12 years… how a label might impact your interactions and experiences. but having a label will only help you if you let it, yanno?

anyway. i need to stop going on and on. if you made it through all this, holy shit, congratulations you can leave now. i could have just said: be slow, be careful, be self aware, be honest, be c a r e f u l. and see someone if you want. does that help at all??? idk i say what’s obvious, sorry if it seems like im preaching soryr