#now it's like i can finally face my shit
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i reached the "i want to do better with you because i love you and you deserve it" stage of healing lately
it's really something, i wish it upon anyone who's on a similar journey
#my family and local culture have ZERO accountability#to the point where just saying you were wrong#let alone apologizing#was like swallowing glass#and now im here telling my friend that i want her to be honest about the hurt ive caused her#because yes i feel bad but i love her so much and i want her to be comfortable expressing her pain#it's not that i didnt wish for that before#but the fear of guilt was so much more present#now it's like i can finally face my shit#and reach new levels of reliability for the people that i love
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well. did you fucking miss me.
#random thoughts#apologies for sounding in such a sour mood. life is fucked as of late.#scheduled post. i made this on 10.08.2024.#everything has just gone to shit. so far i've been eating less than ever. feels like my stomach is eating itself augh (':#(technically the so-called relapse started on 24.12.2023. but we are not unpacking that today or ever.)#and i am filled with this desperate urge to cut myself. really really deep. not sure how to cope with it#i also?? hate how i look??#and yet i spend all my time?? in this dark dark room?? taking pictures of my face?????#i'm not killing myself off just yet don't worry. i considered it but it won't be happening any time soon.#i originally planned on disappearing for twelve days. partly to make my friends feel bad because i'm awful#which. obviously didn't work. as i don't think anyone noticed or cared particularly.#but mostly because i can't fucking handle it. it being everything. my future feels so uncertain#i am barely alive. i love all the people in my life. but they're too far away physically and emotionally.#but yeah. back finally. although ciel disappears for a lot longer than me and if you know hym my absence would be a small stint.#ciel if you're here when i post this i love you please come back. ):#this place is so scary to come back to. i'm not sure why. i'm just. scared.#i'm not even sure if i want to return really. i'm having second thoughts now. i haven't gotten worse enough#and i can't say what that means. because in theory there's nothing wrong with me that's been speculated upon. so.#i don't think anyone would care if i disappeared for longer than this.#but being away is torture. and then again being here also sort of is. it's scary#fuck.#i can't get out of bed without feeling like shit. i don't know if i can come back. i'm so sick of everything.#if you're seeing this i'm so sorry.#I NEED TO CUT MYSELF I NEED TO CUT MYSELF NOW. I NEED TO. I MADE SO MANY PROMISES BUT I NEED TO DO IT NOW#I'VE GOT THE SCISSORS I NEED TO DO IT#I NEED TO DO IT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW#(<- tags canceled for now)
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nice! a customer said something so awful to me today that i spent 10 minutes crying in the bathroom
#he straight up made a joke saying i was fat right to my fucking face lmao#uhm what the fuck is wrong with people#like i understand it's not that big of a deal and im not even looking for sympathy im just#so fucking angry that i couldnt stand up for myself#years and years of fighting terrible thoughts about myself and body dysmorphia and all that shit just for one random dude to come to me and#just fucking destroy everything ive been working so hard for#i was finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin and now i can feel all he insecurities and self doubt and shame resurfacing#and the only thing i can do is write everything here because im so fucking ashamed of what happened i dont even want to talk to anyone#fuck this honestly#shut up mila#delete later?
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ok movie thoughts time
#letting it marinate for a night really did wonders.i can actually string words together now#THE SOUND DESIGNDHDURJRFJRJHSJDKGRIIDJFKKSJDKFK DELCOOUS FUCKING DELICIOUS#THE SQEAKS OF THE SHOES THE IMPACT OF THE VOLLEYBALL OM THE FLOOR THE DROPS OF SWEAT EVERYTHING GGGGGGGGGG#FUCKKNG GORGEOUS MUSIC AS ALWAYS I FUCKING CRI ED BC IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL#BRO THE STAY INTERSTING SCENE!?!??@@?!?@?@?@??!?!?!?!! I JUMPED INBMY SEAT#THE WAY EVERYTHING HUST GOES SILENT!!?!!?@??!?!?!?!?!!!!! IT SENT CHILLS DOWN MY SPINE HOLY Y#KENMAS FACE THE WAY HINATA JUMPS BACK BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#sidenote im going to devour the kenhina tag on ao3#BRORBORBRJFJGJGNDKDBFKS THE CAGE SCENERE#AND WHNE HE BREAKS OUT OFBTHE CAGE THE FLURRY OF FEATHERS THE BARS GIVING OUT#BROOOOOO KUROOS LAUGH MADE ME SO GIDDYYY THANK GOD FOR THE DARK THEATRE I PRONABLY LOOKED LIKE A FOOL#THE WAY HIS WHOLE BODY SHAKES. LAUGHING WITH HIS WHOLE BEING IM AIDJFHSJDKDK#I LOVE LOVE LOVED TINY KUROKEN SCENES!!!!!!!! FJFFFJHDKSKFK KUROO TINY BOUNCE AWAY FROM SUCCESSFULLY BUMPING THE BALL HAHSHEHEHFHDJJ THE#ENTIRE THEATRE STARTED LAUGHING IT WAS SO SO SO OOVELY#GOOOOOOOOOOOD TSUKKIS SMILE LIGHTING UP THE WORLD#THE TSUKKIYAMA SCENE!?!??@?@??!?!!! FUCKING CHOKED. HOLY SHIT. IT WAS BEAUTIFULLL#THE BICKERING WHEN BOTH SIDES ARE ALRESDY FUCKING EXHAUSTED. HILARIOUS WONDERFUL AMAZING FINALLY HEARING IT#the tiny bokuaka commentary sprinkled within ;w; BOKUTO BEING OMGG LOOK AT OUR TSUKKI#ive read the manga i know this happens i just was still not prepared bc its so different WHEN THERES MUSIC AND VOICES AND ITS JUST U IN A#THEATRE WITH ONE OF THE GREATEST PIECES OF MEDIA YOUVE EVER CONSUMED#WAS FUCKING LAUGHING AT LEV DOING PUSHUOS W YAKU SITTING ON TOP OF HIM LLOL#ALSO NOYAS EXCITED HUG HE GIVES HINA HANSNFIDJ HAIR RUFFLES#BOTH SIDES HAVING THE TIME OF THEIR LIFE BEING LIKE BRO WHY ARE U SO COOL?!?!??@?@?!!! BRO EHY ARE Y O U SO FREAKING COOL#THAT FINAL FINAL BIT#before kenma goes to set the ball...the pan around the gym. the flash back to the training round....WAS FUCKING SOBBBINGG#WWWHNE THEY WHENE THEYR SHAKING HANDS WHENB THE MATCH IS VOER AND THEYRE ALL EXHAUSTED#LYING THERE CALM QUIET TIRED OUT FOT HEIR MINDS IM GOGIFJBDJSJDKF#broooo i wish the movie could have lasted for7 whole days it was over so quickly;w;#phenomenal. it was absolutely phenomenal insane gorgeous i need to see it again#need to commit every second to memory i need to stop blinking i csnnot miss even a single millisecond of it
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among the boundless billions zaniness like laugh track as it definitely has that moment of expressing "rolling my eyes as The Left makes a kerfuffle of Acting like they have a stance as a veneer over the true belief that [xyz] is cool & chill actually" like what, approximate 0.000% chance wendy isn't, as usual, given the Objective Stance of "yeah yeah ohh we are cancelling involved parties talking about how we Don't watch this But. we all love this damn epic movie & already have it memorized so shut the fuck up, kids today" like. don't wanna really delve into how much billions thinks taylor or anyone is "really" trans / nonbinary like not too much benefit of the doubt in this material including what does provide info abt that specifically
& the general like [head in hands. what do you think any of this could possibly be about (you're the one that made your show at all about Power)] of "yes, it's bad/wrong to be someone that someone has done something to / victim of something" like that to be anti misogyny All Women Must Be Epic Winners b/c there's something to be proved: that they don't Deserve to be victims (of misogyny), not taken as a Given. while when we see some epic winner men stepping on other men (who need not all be guaranteed Winners so as to say misogyny is wrong), that's often Good, well beyond any assumption that various forms of basic disrespect / violation / patterns of emergent/entrenched power difference as Bad (for being things done to people, not for there being people they're being done to), & generally billions has to take an extra step when ppl get shitted on & tell us the Specific Cases when it was undeserved actually & someone was being mean to a specific person who didn't deserve that. & the specific cases when hey guess it wasn't that bad(tm) or when hey It's Okay that you're someone something was done to, in this case. & tell us what we were supposed to know all along like when someone who something was being done to (wrong Of Them, whether b/c they inherently deserve it no matter what, &/or b/c they failed to be someone who could make it Impossible to do anything to them, which, how do you do that besides being The Authority / Superior yourself, exactly? nonrhetorically? what if the in group vs out group / fascism / authoritarianism protected Me?) was actually being treated Too Well b/c ah well the abuse meant you were getting any attention, maybe it meant you were claimed as any superior's property, maybe it meant you weren't Already disposed of, as all Losers were in the end, You're Welcome.
obviously referring to winston where it's spelled out all the abuse towards him was deserved, & More than he deserved in the case of rian having more access & taking advantage of that, all for billions' enjoying its own sendoff there of, again, maximizing violation & violence short of [real violence is physical & leaves bruises / draws blood / Literally kills] which would be distasteful in general But doesn't it make wags look like the winner & winston the loser is that the former's completely unrelated completely impersonal ego blow gets way amplified taken out on winston, the most vulnerable recurring character when spyros as [first & ultimate Everyone Hates Him role] is more entrenched in there & billions still magnanimously pities tuk, as it does winston too, just not quite as much. again that like completely surface level realized power fantasy of forcing the mirror up to the Inferior so they're like nooo my inferiorityyyy & in doing so like, the projection in that lmao, we get it re: the valuing of & need(tm) for such Power Tripping & Reaffirming My Superiority & My Ego Restored; Everyone Claps like good god. & then for all ben & tuk are the slightly softer Two Too Nice Boys duo to the rian & winston quant duo, also like too nice i guess but not as much, ben is in charge of tuk but Any instance of rian being in charge of winston outstrips them in that "yay interpersonal abuse" dynamic, like then in the end billions may be like "yeah it's possible to be mean to them unlike how being mean to winston is actually Nice b/c he deserves everything he gets, we only vicariously enjoy it vs Feeling Bad for tuk & ben sometimes (still magnanimously & it's Not That Bad / just goofin)" like ben & tuk still Fail by not being people it's impossible to do anything to. & not Exceptions who anyone is really being Too Mean to. like if they were women, in which case, no problem surely with a "positive" kind of victim blaming where there is something Inherent that Will be victimized so hey how about to cancel that out there's this special Paternal Protection you Need always, Or Else? :) but instead they are men who are asian & is ben gay & w/tuk & winston nobody mentions glasses or fatness but billions doesn't really do much or very in depth textual mentioning of Anything, even w/nonzero mention that there may be gender & race in this world. a gay man, once. no disability. we just Know who are the inferiors who deserve it when they're treated inferiorly, or if they don't, they start deserving it when they fail to stop/avoid it, but if you start mentioning the factors behind who we all totally agree is inferior like whoa nobody was Saying any of that? being the real agent of oppression on the basis of the factors only You spelled out, much? nonbinary? i never say anything about the Gender Binary when i'm subscribing to it, sounds like You've created & enforced it. obfuscation & deflection onto [so Just Normal nobody has to label, explain, or argue it] couldn't serve a purpose & protect the existing power differences as they are. maybe You're the problem? perhaps you brought it upon yourself & now you're causing too much trouble standing up for yourself while everyone else's criticism is laser focused on you as the prior & continuing negative actions done to you are taken as a given / unquestioned / covertly protected to overtly encouraged?
anyway so wild if the Completely Normal(tm) Victim Blaming is uncritically recreated & oft embraced for "if you're watching this & don't wish you were axe / find him appealing" [billions as a sequence of vicarious power trips] purposes in this series....but a bit wild considering like this is your multiseason show that wasn't just purporting to be those power trips for [enough demographic & apparently specific personal tastes overlap w/creators] & was at all purporting to question the matters of power at play in the material, or yknow, at least to not be completely superficial material while said material is textually & thematically all about power difference being leveraged, how, the consequences, & so on. thus i will have to intermittently talk about it forever like this like lord unbelievable. & the funny little & sometimes less funny less little characters it has trapped in there so that those of us who were never meant to be in the audience can be cursed with this knowledge. like i have some feedback. "imagine not victim blaming" & "imagine adjusting your perspective can go beyond superficial layers added to politely defer to some other ppl while they're present but really like cmon do they deserve that. am i not just saying what we're allll thinking"
#another random night another Verbal Effusion of [forehead to hand]#winston billions#who needs actual questions about power or the consequences of getting to consider others Lessers & acting accordingly#when we can last minute be like uh wendy is god actually. take it away wendy (wait she just does whole other shit half the season)#okay Now take it away wendy i guess b/c the series is dead set on you being the Moral Center#if mostly b/c gosh everyone either loves owning you as pseudo wife or correctly recognizes & defers to your superiority#the scene i couldn't bear to sit through at the start of s7 way too long sequence of wendy Going To Work to the ''cuz im awesome'' song#i was like. lol. i was like okay that is wendy's mood / perspective then. Wrong. it was billions conveying Fact to the audience. rip#abt as great setup for ''the only other shoe that finally dropped was that of Yeah It's This Completely Surface Level'' as possible (:#prince has exactly the same attitudes & actions as wendy does? uh well you see. it's just bad when he does it#if only more wendys were in charge. if only we go ''well even if it's bad if wendy does it? or axe or whoever? Could Be Worse''#nothing to analyze in the [but at least it's not worse] dead end re: justification of Power Leveraging & minimization of its consequences#tl;dr just the victim blaming embraced everywhere & the idea that everything that Deviates from the Norm Too Ethically Mindedly#is just that veneer slapped on overtop of [haha but truly: the norm] like no but seriously we all know It's Not That Deep(tm)#even for the characters written to exercise this [my Extra Mile Ethics] trait regularly it's expressed as this Polite Addendum#to the [what's Really at play] normal. the And Enbies tacked on; that's that on that & it Is an extra veneer to the norm#prince asking if taylor's changing up their pronouns; no more Meant a red flag than him immediately shitting on winston i'm sure#yet yknow why tf suppose taylor more than anyone else would Change Pronouns. taylor who the series also only ever shows as being#misgendered As A Woman. whose drag / cisguise As A Woman is not treated in the same way a man's would be / is#whose emotive / expressive affect isn't either. billions like [the genders are m/f] to [perhaps also amab/afab] Tacked On#as something politely Extra you do to their face that doesn't actually change (threaten) your idea of what's just Normal & True#like it's normal & true that ugh god don't you hate the autistic people around you? don't you wish you could go sicko mode on them#so that they couldn't be around you anymore & they'd have brought it upon themself & really it was good of you b/c The Group Cohesion#thanks you & b/c you just gave them free ABA? yes yep Surely Unquestionably#problem isn't abuse & concomitant violation in & of itself. it's Bad to be someone that's done to. we will announce Exceptions#rest of you either you brought it upon yourself or you failed to Correct that you're not someone who inherently deserves it#that is: someone who just can & will Stop It if done to them. well so you see winston pushing back is ignored or treated to further#backlash & then he withdraws (expression of his experience / creation of a consequence which tells the other Stop Doing This)#&/or otherwise conveys displeasure / being hurt (same as before. ''uh well push back / express xyz'' ppl did & were steamrolled/ignored)
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Me, knowing full well I'm gonna be evicted from the house I've lived in since I was 9 in just a few short months, socially exhauted from watching a constant stream of people come in and look around with intent to buy my childhood home for three days in a row now, knowing that this'll keep happening for the rest of the week and right this moment people are engaged in a bidding war over the truest home I've ever lived in and that I'm powerless to do anything about it since I'm broke as shit: Man why do I feel so bad right now
#I remember we used to move around a lot when I was a kid#but this place was where we finally settled for so long#like I know on some level we'll make it through this since we always have before but just. man.#this shit sucks dude#this little shithole of a house#with ghosts in the walls and asbestos coating the outside#is the cheapest place in the entire town#and even HERE it feels like we're barely making ends meet#and so just watching people waltz around with clear intent to take this from us#the only place in town we can fucking afford#just kinda pisses me off tbh#especially with rent and housing prices skyrocketing since fucking covid#one of the guys apparently wanted to buy this property just to rent out to people#and I'm glad I wasn't in the room for that one because I don't think I could have held my tongue for that one#plus all these tours have been fucking with my sleep schedule and I'm exhausted as shit lol#plus the stupid fucking property service that my ''homeowner'' does deliberately anonymizes the shit out of him#so I don't even have a name or a face to be pissed at#just this vague nebulous force that's been bleeding us of money for years#who's never once done anything to help upkeep the house he owns#and now that he's faced with a fairly large cost he can't ignore#(something with the city and new pipes)#he's just gonna sell it and make it someone else's problem#and just completely uproot and fuck over our lives in the process#and the worst part is that I know this isn't even an uncommon experience#landlords pull this bullshit all the time#and it drives me insane that people are just fucking OKAY with that#not to speak for everyone since I'm just one broke queer person#but this shit should not be allowed to stand#well I've hit the limit on how many tags I'm allowed to post so I guess that's the end of that#Pun's text Posts
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i always said that once i stop caring what other people think about me it’s over for you bitches and it’s finally happened i’m literally untouchable
#everyone else my age like oh i’m getting married ! oh i had a baby ! me i’m becoming evil#i decided months ago that i’m done i live in the worst place in the country or on earth even and these asshole people are not getting any#more out of me. i don’t smile at anyone anymore. i don’t make eye contact. i’m done with this place and these rude ass people#so today i was at the gas station and pulled up behind someone and got out and the pump didn’t work so i got back in#and waited for the girl in front of me to be done bc everywhere else had a line anyway#so when she finally leaves the asshole in the jeep behind me is yelling at me through his window and literally about to rear end me#and i’m trying to tell him that one doesn’t work so he’s still yelling at me through the window and i keep mouthing IT DOES NOT WORK#bc he simply is not getting and finally he sticks his piece of shit head out the window and LISTENS to me and i said it DOESNT WORK.#it’s BROKEN.#and i realize he thought i was just waiting to be at the first pump and holding up the line but i don’t fucking care#so then he goes. oh. and he gets out and i said you can try it but it says it’s broken.#monotone bc i’m not trying to be nice#and he’s like oh ok. then i take back everything i said about you in the car LOL#and i said. ok.#and he said nah i wasnt saying anything about you#and i said nothing#then he’s a fuck face so he’s all embarrassed and acting like we’re buddies now#so he’s like huuuh. usually there’s an attendant walking around.. and i say i havent seen anyone. not looking at him#and he goes huuuh usually they put a sign or something out that it’s broken and i said nothing so like#the slimy piece of shit he is he silently gets back in his car and waits and then i leave and i’m like#in this circumstance 100% normally my heart would have been pounding out my chest bc i’m afraid of confrontation and who isnt afraid of#men yelling at them but this time i felt nothing except anger bc why the fuck are you trying to start something with me in the fucking gas#station go to another fucking line if you’re in that big of a rush and also learn how to fucking read when it says pump out of order#before you try to fucking rear end me which go for it btw bc i have dash cams and anyway#i’m so fucking sick of living here and i’ll never get out#but. i’m proud of myself for not being afraid or scared and just dealing with that piece of shit straightforward
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top first watches of 2023!
thank you for tagging me sumaya!!! @deshimango
i feel you linger in the air (august 2023)
what we do in the shadows season 5 (july 2023)
be my favorite (may 2023)
the eighth sense (march 2023)
heartstopper season 2 (august 2023)
midnight museum (march 2023)
extremely honorable mention to last twilight and cityboy_log because they haven't actually completed airing, i just have enjoyed watching them so much!!!
anybody who sees this and wants to do it please do!! thank u <3
#pained me not to include the gbbo season 1-3 bc i finally found them to watch!#i only ever got to see what netflix had and so now ive finally seen the ACTUAL full series#alsooo of course honorable mention again to pit babe bc what the fuck lol and the sign i just hate the cop shit#so ya this is based on what i watched and watched the majority of/enjoyed like did i skip a lot etc#cuz i also did watch good omens s2 and liked it but so much of the demon and zombie stuff bored tf out of me lmaoo#and ofmd s2 wasnt as well done as it could have been without the constraints they faced but which overall lowered it for me#so ya as u can see i spend most of my time rewatching gbbo lol#tagged#answered#top 1st watches 2023#mutuals#tag game
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I wish being weird and batshit insane was socially acceptable, conforming to societal norms is killing me.
#finding new friends is hard because they wanna talk about their life or say smth about the weather when i'm foaming at the mouth about#some gays either driving fast cars or fast bikes or in insane sitcoms the average person just doesn't know exists or like wont watch#why must we talk about the weather when i can explain to you in excruciating detail why annie from community is lesbian#“hi” and he said he cloned him with the dna of a homing pigeon so if he feels a compulsion to come back- hey where are you going man#but also talking in general is hard like no that's not the response i wanted but no now you're too enthusiastic so my mind tells me ur faki#not just this stuff but this shit id what i can say rn#anyway#my finals over time to deep clean my bedroom & find a relic from my toxic codependent homoerotic teenage friendship that blew up in my face#also languages suck i can't express myself in any languages i know i should learn german i've heard they have a lot of words#kevtalks#im very close to some sort of breakdown also the jury is still out for what kind tho and it's the fucking uni entrance's fault
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we did my family Thanksgiving early today (gotta coordinate 5 adult mostly-married-half-with-kids siblings' schedules) and I am so pleased to announce that I beat ass on the badminton court for like 2 hours
#shoes? GONE. feet? filthy! bra? damp with sweat. sun? setting.#my 2nd older brother who's preternaturally gifted in sports and games: MOSTLY KEPT UP WITH!#the only other time I've ever come close to that is when we were playing tackle football as kids and I jumped on his shoulders#and held on and deadweighted him till he finally staggered and fell. he's strong but I was not a small child#anyway my shoulder is now gently aching bc I was whapping that shit with all my might lol#that's why I love badminton. everything is so lightweight that you can't hurt people even hitting as hard as you can#I got directly face/head hit 3 times tonight. no problem no pain#I then went on to run a children's Monopoly game. there's no savagery like 6-9 year old savagery. I could barely keep up
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finished rewatching hannibal season 1 which i forgot is crazyyyyyyyyyy
#also really interesting to watch now#when i first saw it in early 2021 i was UNSTABLE was in a psychological horror for two years straight was starting to lose my mind#and it really really scared me because it wasnt anxiety it felt like something else locked in me finally showing its face#and so i really saw myself in encephalitis!will even if it probably actually made me even worse#but now i really feel like ive started to get a grip on myself...i can feel gravity keeping my feet returning to the ground#and im not the same person i was before everything blew up and my mind was turned into scrambled eggs in four different ways#but i at least feel like im starting to regain a stable sense of identity since 2023 and its been interesting to get to know a me#that has both anxiety and some weird shit struggling around my brain that im no longer afraid to look back at <3#anyways. best show ever i wish they were lesbians instead. goodnight
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I dont like the fact that crying for 10 minutes (not very hard) can make me feel like i need to throw up
#my post#hate my psychiatrist please be nice to me im sorrryyyyyyyyyy#im sorry you didnt explain that you sent prescriptions even without meeting once a month im sorry i didnt know that#bc you never told me!! you said we’d meet every month and now suddenly we dont and now i have to keep track of all this shit when you didnt#tell me#or maybe you did!!!!! sorry you have this way of making me think everything i get wrong about my prescriptions or the pick up is all my faul#because i dont understand or im stupid!!!!!!!!#and then im sorry you get mad at me when im in the appintment on time but i thought itd join automatically and it didnt so you had to call#and then all of a suddenly i was behind scehdule and it was all my fault even when i was there on time!!!!!!!!#what the hell!!!!!!!#how can our last meeting be so good and this meeting finally makes me almaot cry right in front of his face trying to explain my thought pro#process#when i feel like hes mad at me#god i just hate it please be more understanding im sorry i got it wrong
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you know if you guys voted for stretch armstrong i probably would have shut up a lot sooner tonight
#so really this is all your fault /lh /j#i love thinking about h2o tho so im happy#VERY FUCKING TIRED THO WISH I COULD SLEEP#i think my brain is kicking into overdrive after being filled with cotton the past 3 days which. hey im glad ur back bud#CAN YOU SHUT UP NOW I NEED REST#i was just thinking because im probably not posting that essay i will summarize here (i saw#that privating it made it lose like 4 recently edited paragraphs and i don't want to type all that out again my memory isn't good enough)#it just boiled down to the pods basically making a self fulfilling prophecy by orphaning their sons and making them increasingly#desperate for connections to other people like them which is why i think erik behaves the way he does esp when ondina is around#like i am not excusing his actions in the slightest dont get me wrong here he really fucked up BUT#his last conversation with ondina before he goes to the chamber kind of sold that idea to me#how he scoffs at her saying rita says it's dangerous because she's 'old school' and of COURSE old school mermaids think all mermen are evil#and then starts adding on how he wants to do this for HER and get her home back for her by controlling it#like a bit of an add-on at the end to try and convince her#i think what he really wants is to be hailed as a hero. you know. validation and acceptance from the ppl who originally abandoned him#the OGs who made him feel like an outsider. the ppl who ripped everything away from him just bc of the way he was born (which is prob why#when he's trying to convince zac to help him he keeps bringing up their ancestors bc that's what unifies them)#i don't think he's an evil dude per se i think he thought stealing the trident stone from rita's grotto would be small peanuts in the past#once he finally got the pod to come home bc he genuinely (mistakenly) believed he COULD control the power of the chamber#i also think that's why the camera keeps focusing on his face when he's watching the others panic over#zac's sacrifice and i think he is feeling jealousy bc they are paying attention to him and not Erik#like that's not the face of someone who deeply regrets what they just did. my guy is just sitting there like 'that should be me rn'#i think that is why he also sounds so desperate to make things right with ondina afterwards. iirc he's just like 'wait no we can start ove#RIGHT?' and she's like 'uhhhh... no??????' (valid). my dude is lonely as fuck and he finally found a group of ppl like him and he messed up#big time just trying to get their attention and affection bc he couldn't just be normal abt it he had to go big or go home#like i kind of feel bad for him in a way#but i feel bad for everyone#i felt bad for denman the other day! that's how bad this is getting!!#i mean come on imagine making the scientific discovery of a LIFETIME only for all that shit to happen in a row#especially after you get your comeback. they just go right back to fucking you over again
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im sorry but you can’t say anything to me about kipperlilly, the energy she comes right out of the gate with like ‘im kipperlilly copperkettle :)’ and immediately you can tell she wants to kill riz and kristen, i love her and its terminal
#‘egg on my face for wanting something :)’ has been stuck in my head for weeks and it’s truly bc brennan knows how to play her so well#girl you are capable of some crazy ass shit that no one is asking you to do but you don’t care fuck them kids!!#im obsessed im captivated im seated#i don’t think jace is manipulating her this is fully something she’s always wanted to do and now she can finally do it#the whole revenge for the wrong reasons just gets me and perhaps i have been spiteful just like her. it’s human#watching fantasy high
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#I KNOW THAT FACE. YOU'VE CAUSED QUITE A STIR IN GOTHAM: playlist.#listening to this song always make me feel like i'm ascending i swear to god jsjsj#alright but... i hate to do the obligatory hannibal comparison here but. they're both cannibal doctors so like it's pretty much unavoidable#but yeah. just imagine it right now y'all. barton getting into a love affair with someone who he feels can finally-#fully 'understand' him in a way and barton can understand the other person in a way that they haven't been before either.#who also mayyy or may not be in law enforcement. so there are definitely some morality issues mixed in with that.#i'm putting that in my rp wishlist right now because that would be some GOOD shit ngl lolll#Spotify
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anyway it kinda sorta feels like my life is just now starting.
#i'm 25 and for the first time i'm not wondering what's wrong with me.#now i KNOW what's wrong with me and that means i can HANDLE IT.#and look at me. i'm handling it!!!!#i can't believe i spent my entire life thinking i was weak and lazy.#i am. perhaps. very strong and brave for spending my entire adult life so far advocating for myself#in the face of family and professionals who all tried to convince me i just needed to try harder.#like. maybe actually i'm a bad bitch for being the only one out here fighting for answers#even when the answers were fucking scary and nobody else believed in my experiences!!#i've had irl folks cringe at how open i am about my diagnoses. but like.#i'm autistic i've got adhd and bipolar ii and i'm disabled with hEDS and associated neuroimmune conditions#and i'm going to be SO annoying about it because I WORKED HARD TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT.#SORRY IF IT MAKES YOU RE-EVALUATE YOUR ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT ME. ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE ME.#because i've re-evaluated my assumptions about me. and i feel so much fucking peace.#because i'm finally learning how to take care of myself properly.#and for the first time since i was 18 years old. i feel genuinely hopeful that i might actually get to enjoy my life.#ANYWAY Uhh i gotta go to bed. GOODNIGHT.#izzy.txt
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