#now it’s just terrible bc the managers are terrible
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man o(-( i miss when my job didn’t fucking Suck
#like. it used to be fun even tho it was bad for my joints#now it’s just terrible bc the managers are terrible#and constantly under staff us :/#which is NOT something a ropes course/zipline place should do😭😭😭#like DAWG we need as many ppl as we can get to keep ppl SAFE#stupid fucks#🐀
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hes right behind me isnt he
sorry for being so dead guys can you believe it triglycercule not posting?! more common than you'd think,,,,,, anyways have some horror n dust in roblox as an apology X,,3 sowwyyyy
#tricule rant#where's killer you may ask? funny you think i have that many friends B)#this was one of the funniest things ive ever done i can't believe i didnt do this earlier#anyways SORRY FOR NOT POSTING GUYS IVE BEEN UHHH 😭😭😭#ive been losing motivation to do anything really.........life is feeling kinda Blah! very monotonous#and mtt unfortunately is not free from my demotivation to do anything :( ive not been hardcore thinking of them for a while now#which i feel really really really bad about i really miss them#have just been going through some stuff bc of that but mtt have been awesome throughout all of it B)#not gonna try and push myself to make mtt stuff because it might just make me feel worse#(drawing feels like a drag and so does anything else mtt related) (but everything feels like that now)#so if it lasts long i might just wait for summer to come because then st least i dont have the pressure of school T_T#also....hahaha......i said spring break was gonna be my comeback but.......you wouldn't believe it......#my spring break was TERRIBLE!!!!!!! 😊😊😊🙂🙂🙂#so ya that didnt help much X.X if you miss triglycercule and mtt then worry not BECAUSE SO DO I💔💔💔#coming up with mtt ideas and creations and managing this blog is one of the things i enjoy most#so i hope that i can get back to it soon......#anyways thanks for reading all this 😒😒😒 hit that like and subscribe button and dont forget to ring the bell!!
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pause. possibility of hag romance daughter following eilistraee.
#bc I think shri’iia would Not……she’s had enough of serving gods in her lifetime I feel.#astarion doesn’t follow any gods either but the possibility of hag daughter MIGHT. that’s sooooo gnaws on my arm scrumptious for me#actually. with the way shri’iia’s own mother refuses to follow lolth and she wanted to take her family to the surface#but circumstances did Not Allow her. shri’iia was thrown to the surface while she still followed lolth#and that shattered terribly. now hag daughter is living in the surface n she could find her way to eilistraee somehow..#just like what her own grandmother tried to do…..#thoughts are being Thought.#and in general I think hags don’t tell eliane what to do. they’re really not the type to micro manage her#and ideally they’d want to keep her safe forever but they both know that shit isn’t possible this world can be so cruel as it can be kind#so I can see them the type to just teach her useful skills and lessons so she can be more independent#like if she ever finds herself in danger then she’ll know how to get herself out of there vibe. to me they really don’t tell her what to do#so if she comes home saying she’s an eilistraee stan now shri’iia is just gonna be like HRK. would not like it but how can I say no to u..
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i've been diving a lot deeper into adhd symptoms and comorbidities and misdiagnoses and whenever i tell my boyfriend something i learned that sounds like me he responds with something like
#idk he knows me more than anyone bc i can't hide the parts i'm ashamed of from him#last night he was like. yeah EYE think you have adhd but i'm just some guy#idk i'm excited about this not because i want to be Quirky for internet reasons. yknow. but bc i've felt like an impostor of a human being#and i have no sense of self and i can't get myself to do basic tasks and the thought of doing something i don't want to do#genuinely makes me want to throw up/my brain shuts down/i can't think or talk or function to the point where i can't work.#so i can't support myself. so i feel terrible about myself. and i've been in and out of therapy for 20 years and have numerous diagnoses#that have never really felt like they fully encapsulate what's going on. and like. i've kinda just internalized that i'm not as good at#being a person as everyone else because i struggle so so much. like yeah i did well in school but i had to sacrifice literally everything#else to do that. idk how everyone else is managing to have a job and hobbies and friends#i get to pick like. one now. i used to be able to juggle everything to some degree although i felt like i was being careless in all areas#except school. i'm so scared of making mistakes or starting anything or talking to new people or trying new hobbies#because i know it won't interest me more than a couple weeks MAX and i'll feel listless and restless again#and i've come to understand this as part of who i am at my core. i'm just someone who can't commit and isn't reliable or a good friend#i just want so badly for that not to be the case because i want so badly to not be stuck like this#idk im going home to talk to my dad this weekend and just rest because i'm really really not doing well#which is why i'm scrambling to try to figure out what's going on with me because idk how much longer i feasibly can do this#and i might be moving back to the pnw bc therapists in pa don't work with medicaid#and no psychiatrists near me are taking new patients. and i can't work to get on private insurance. but therapists in or do work w medicaid#so idk. again if youre diagnosed w adhd and this sounds not like someone who is consuming social media brain rot content about adhd#but rather someone whose experiences you identify with. please let me know. please please#i am reaching out to professionals also but things move slowly and i'm trying to compile evidence so i don't sound like i'm making it up
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Every time I see in game views of traveler in other outfits, I remember Ayaka's quest, how they have a dialogue implying didn’t like the idea of wearing anything but their original clothes I-
#✮┆ ( .ooc. );#//AAAAAAAAA#//I like to think a big part is bc it is one of few things they still have of their homeland#//& I also I like to think my Traveler STILL feels such terrible unease even now when wearing different clothes for that very reason#//Like#//It almost feels like whenever they do; they’re accepting more and more that Teyvat truly is becoming their home#//It's the same sentiment I feel my Kae has—absolutely being so uncomfortable with being called a Ragnvindr instead of an Alberich#//Like yes it’s such a minute detail; and yes technically he ought to BE one#//But he can’t just let go of one of the ONLY things he has left of his people; esp smth so distinctly defining#//While he may try distancing himself from his owed ‘duty’ to them; it’s a horrid thing to be so disconnected from your culture#//Esp one that is basically dying out#//Additional Lumi things (bc I can’t make this abt Kae like always lol) I just KNOW she gets SUPER stressed when her dress gets damaged#//Shaking hands as she patches it up; hoping there won’t come a day when she’ll have to get rid of it for good bc it's beyond repair#//She CANNOT bear to lose this one thing she’s managed to keep of her home; knows it will NOT be pleasant when it inevitably happens#/She's already lost that place; her people; her wings; and can’t even get her brother back now#//If she loses this too; she might actually LOSE IT#hc; lumine (traveler)#hc; kaeya#//And that one too#//Anywho; this is born from me seeing a still of a new alt traveler outfit and had Thinkings happening#//To me; my Lumi is slowly getting used to accepting wearing new things in her journey; but gets terribly restless in them even still#//It would take AWHILE for her to be completely comfortable; prolly even beyond several friends' lifetimes before she's fully adjusted#//Worse still if she doesn't have Ae back by then#//It'd definitely be easier to let go of if she has him. Bc then she's not fully losing everything she once had
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Lol I keep on doing this, saying I'd come back to tumblr to only disappear again 😂😭
#and i hate it bc i miss being on here#but also i don't have to force myself or feel guilty for it#bc if i'm fr being on social media is just so time consuming and also not what is good for my mental health often#and that includes tumblr#it's not even that it's a toxic place (at least not the content i'm consuming) but sometimes i just rather spend my time with people irl#meeting someone than on social media and like focus on my life#the last month or so was just really difficult for me and i haven't been feeling so bad mentally in forever#i mean it always is like that that time of the year but i feel like i was worse this year#whenever autumn comes around with the darkness and cold i seem to hit a low mentally#when i tell you how much better my mood is in summer spring how much better i feel everyday regardless of everything else#i get people like autumn but for me its literally the worst and winter too altough at some point it gets better#maybe i adapt and maybe because i spend more time outside around christmas when i go home that's usually a turning point#and ig also the lights of december make it a bit better#but mid october to november is awful#this year the weather was much worse beginning of october was much worse#i feel like i lowkey have this seasonal mood disorder idk#but i barely managed to go to classes and i had no motivation#usually i always make myself study and do the things i have to atleast altough i often terribly procrastinate#but now i was barely able to do this and i had things to do but i couldn't make myself i missed a deadline closely#luckily my professors are the best but i felt so horrible for it how i was unable to get it done#sunlight is just so good for my mood and ik how doctors say how you should avoid it because you can get skincancer#but like i'd rather than my mental health being this bad (not that i want either)#i already miss summer so much and being happier#but tbh i haven't felt this good as I do today in weeks and even this whole week was better#i exercised more than usual altough i tried to in the last weeks i couldn't as often as i normally do so maybe this actually helps a lot#and i studied yesterday today and i will tomorrow i finally feel motivation again#besides i also tried to break up with my bf so that was also tough but i couldn't lol#i tried talking to him and tell him in the nicest way but he didn't get what i was trying to do and i couldn't say more bc i felt horrible#but maybe that's for the better altough i had these thoughts for a while that he just isn't the one for me and that we're too different...#i do really like him as a person the way he treats me and i'm still into him but i just felt like it wouldn't work
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How I'm feeling on the last workday before my surgery STILL not being done with the plant textures
#fuuuuuuuuck i might lose my job#sorry boss my brain broke this last year and ive been trying to peice it back together one sliver at a time ever since#it feels terrible ive got no excuses no real reasons#my life just kind of fell apart and all my goals and dreams evaporated and im surviving day to day rn#its made my time management really difficult#ive been fighting fatigue and burnout since i graduated and now that all the passion has left me about life its even tougher#to force myself through it#i was doing better for a bit bc i had some loose plans for this yr n next yr with travel and stuff :')#but i dont even know if it will be safe for me to travel or leave the country.. things are... bad. and getting worse. and im really scared#personal stuff#anyway#im so fucking stressed today oughhhhh#i need to be doing better and idk how#also i am nervous abt my surgery less so but still nervous that ill miss it or something#or my insides will explode and ill have to go to the ER again... waugh...#im really bad with interpreting my pain levels so i just dont know if ill be able to recognize something going wrong
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genuinely, though, this has truly been a time to be a lurker on jp music project twt
#quick timeline of events straight from my twt dash that i still cant believe i had the joy of witnessing:#the chaos began a few months ago with the tu.yu deletion threat. then things seemed fine for a bit*#*(if you don’t count the en.strries and pj.sktwt beating each other in the qrts every other hour or so)#then nghy became canon and that’s when the coincidences began to line up in a bewildering series of events#nghy outrage came first. then kinchan (hanamaru llss) announced her marriage (surprisingly gom was there in the comments which was funny)#but what wasnt funny was people trying to cancel her *just* for getting married. (c’mon guys cant you be happy for your oshi smh)#and *then* people tried to cancel the new ll group for allegedly using a.i generated album artwork based off a low res image#which was quickly debunked by subsequent releases over the following days but. the damage was done. smh#and *t h e n* tu.yu deletion was cancelled via twt poll. which. was a choice. ig.#(still think they should’ve deleted instead of guilt tripping their fans with the poll options tbh. but oh well.)#and *now* there’s the. choice. made by en.st. that im not touching with a 10 foot pole bc everything that needs to be said about it#has already been expressed more eloquently by twt users and their ‘creative’ threats to the management. it’s still a horrific choice though.#b u t there was someone comparing the en.st. ‘choice’ with lxl last stage (the part where the green dude tore up the ‘new member’ paper)#and someone qrted that and said sth like ‘well that’s well and good for lxl’s story. b u t…’#‘(hw) management ruined the story of a love series character (hiyori) by pairing her off with a childhood friend who appeared from nowhere’#‘so maybe it’s not the best example to use when it comes to management choices’ and so………..#we’ve come full circle back to nghy outrage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what a time to be alive. man. seriously.#i think it’s a truly terrible coincidence how all of these happened within days of each other (minus the tu.yu initial deletion notice)#…anyways i think twt is a horrible place to be on. that’s all.#but. point is. i think everyone should just try to be decent(?) people on the interwebs#if you have nothing nice to say just don’t say anything at all yk~~~~~~~#…unless you’re an en.strrie. then pls direct your complaints to the official management instead of each other~~~ it’s all their fault~~~~#so glad i dont care much for en.strs anymore tbh. md.chips who left early back during the sudden pivot to chi.kn were on to something tbh#…aight enough doomscrolling for one evening. back to cleaning idolsengen pages (or trying to at least)#this has truly been an immersive asuna experience… or something
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#delete later#wildly embarrassing meeting today where managers brought up concerns about my work and i had to explain that i cant get my#shit together bc my ocd is being a bitch and i can't think properly. and nearly cried multiple times so thats. embarrassing. and now#i am actually crying bc i cant do shit right atm anf its so frustrating ao so frustrating#fuck im tired of it all. they were so nice aboit it evej though i know ive pissed them off and made them frustrated.#i feel shitty bc it feels like ibe just given an excuse as to why they cant be angry at me when they absolutely should be#but im also terrified of them being angry at me so maybe i dud just use it as an excuse and am terrible and shitty#all while knowing FULL WELL that im feeling like this BC im in an ocd episode and moral scrupulosity is a part of my ocd#its this intense BC my ocd is not great atm. its so frustrating abd exhausting and makes me want to scream. and i know that ive#slipped backwards in terms of my skills. i fycking hate it. i hate it.#i just feel useless atm. and it's miserable. and im making things harder for other ppl and that makes me worse than useless#but at the same time i know why i feel like this and why i cant operate how i usually do but that just makes me more angry
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sorry i just. need to rant for a second
#cause dude the whole joost situation is SO fucking upsetting#he's mentioned over and over again how overwhelming this whole overnight success thing has been for him and to respect his boundaries#and instead of yk respecting his wishes “fans” go and make things worse by constantly overstepping and being creepy and weird like hello???#like why can't we all just be normal and take a step back and enjoy things#these people are gonna end up driving him off the internet and i wouldn't blame him one bit#and the worst part is the people who should get the memo obviously don't (or refuse to) bc this isn't an isolated instance#like its been going on for a while now#idk man i just think about how hard it must be for him rn#one of the things that turned me into a joost fan (besides his music) was his personality#like i obviously dont know him on a personal basis#but from the little bits ive seen he comes across as a really genuine and sweet and kind dude#super thoughtful as well. like i just love the way he thinks and his take on things#like i remember watching his eurovision interviews and just thinking oh man this dude's a ray of sunshine LMFAO#also the literal definition of resilience like dude's been through so much stuff and hes always managed to come out on top despite of it#and thats something i really admire about him too. like the way he put it as not letting your traumas be just that#but also something that can drive you forward#but yeah dude's had more than enough like he deserves to be happy and have some peace and ppl keep ruining it for him and it makes me upset#like i actually slept like shit last night and woke up feeling terrible and i wonder if what went down yesterday w the whole live thing#has anything to do with it lmfao#and you may be like ok well youre taking it too personally and letting it affect you#and yeah maybe youre right LOL but i cant help it i care about the guy and i want him to be okay#he seems to have a really good support system though so i hope things blow over soon and he can finally have some peace#anyway. rant over! 💋#raquel speaks
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MERRY KAGAMINEMAS i painted this in a hurry thinking their birthday was. the 26th somehow
this is my ice fog redesign and my snowman rin module named snow drop :>
commissions 🌠 ko-fi 🌠 patreon
#vocaloid#vocasynth#kagamine len#kagamine rin#piapro characters#project mirai#project diva#fanart#colored#2023#let me tell u the first time i tried to actually start this last week#my brain was so resistant to it i had a mental breakdown#so i'm really happy i managed it in the end ; w ;!!!!#i've been a kagaminehead for years and years but never managed to do bday art bc i'm terrible with timed art#but i wanted to try this year!!#either way these designs r fun i just kinda doodled random expressions when i designed them but they're my hcs now#ice fog is smiling but has a cold interior like he's hard to get close to#while snow drop has a cold exterior but is truly a softie#so outwardly they're like the opposite of my usual rin and len hcs... ogh module hcs are so fun
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...
#im back in my apartment. and im rather sick. just a cold but like woke up feeling ok and then over the course of thr 12hr travel day#i was increasingly feeling worse and now im like 😵💫 its probably worse bc 7hr jet lag and my hormones r fucked#so im a bit recked. im supposed to go instruct undergrads tomorrow doing a procedure that fills me with rage even when i dont feel terrible#well see how awful i feel in the morning. i also have v lil food here bc ive been gone so long ugh#so much i gotta do. and do i feel better than when i left? not especially. i still wanna fucking quit working here. my dad is like#prioritize ur stuff bc u gotta move in 2 months and hes right but its gonna b real hard to stick to that#ugh. i feel so awful. i dont wanna work tomorrow.#i also watched that salin4 gomez doc on her brain stuff and it made me cry. and i was like weeping as i drove back from the airport bc a#lotta thimgs. but whatever itll b a 3 day weekend and im gonna try to b better abt doing as lil work as i can manage#so i dont like die. ya kno. but whatever. 2 months left. then i move. the process of getting#permits for sampling has already begun. ill b outta the desert soooooon. the light is there#unrelated
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Jade as a child tended to 'throw tantrums' in the form of 'shutting himself down' completely, oftentimes flopping facedown on a rock or on the seafloor, or simply ragdolling mid-swim and essentially playing dead on someone ( and immediately BITING the fool who tried to shake him out of it )
Floyd, on the other hand, threw tantrums by screeching, crying, and flailing FIRST, even outright charging at things that upset him, whether they were other mer, fish, or even solid objects that upset him, regardless of whether it would hurt him out not, THEN sometimes going into shutdown mode ( and immediately BITING the fool who tried to interfere at any point )
It's not at all uncommon for Floyd's to follow Jade's in quick succession. In fact it was more often then norm.
#hc; jade#hc; floyd#//Might as well; siiigh#//So yeah; tldr an upset bbyJade used to shut down; and an upset bbyFloyd CRASHED TF OUT#//Jade's are in quotations bc it's ACTUALLY how Other ppl tended to see his behavior in particular#//Floyd's a different case; bc while HIS shutdowns & lashing out were almost entirely him sulking; Jade's were very much involuntary#//Jade usually only did this when he was overwhelmed and many misconstrued it as him putting up an 'attitude'#//Which in turn usually pissed Floyd off bc 'They think THAT'S having an 'attitude'?? I'll show em a REAL 'attitude'!'#//Sometimes Floyd himself was the one who sent Jade into a shut down; which in turn made HIM upset#//And sent them BOTH spiraling into a NASTY fight when Floyd acted out and Jade IMMEDIATELY retaliated with extreme prejudice#//Particular BC it was Floyd#//Nowadays; J managed to learn how to manage being overwhelmed & continue on as if nothing's wrong until he can get privacy#//Meanwhile Flo now tends to p much just skip right to willful shutdown; THEN lashes out if pushed#//They will still IMMEDIATELY get into terrible fights in rare instances they set each other off#//And far more no-holds-barred compared to before; even OTHER PEOPLE could get caught in their brawling#//They both know how much Azul loathes them doing so though. Bc he doesn't want Either out of commission; he says#//Bc he genuinely WORRIES abt them; they both know all too well; even if it'd practically poison the other to admit
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s. s ave me, meoto…
#n o t me clinging to meoto to retain my sanity bc g o o d l o r d today was the worst#today was truly a very bad; very horrible day indeeeeeeed#man. today truly was a comedic tragedy in every way possible. i’d laugh if i were anyone else tbh#first i couldn’t start my workstation bc we were out of this cleaning acid thing.#t h e n this other branch lab sent over a precise amount of [reagent] that we needed to make the cleaning acid thing#*and* what’s worse was that they also demanded like. 1/5 of the acid we mixed. like bro. make it yourself mans.#but the worst part was when i tried to use a dropper to poke this sediment out of [tube i was supposed to be cleaning]#bUT THEN HALF OF THE DROPPER MELTED BC THAT BUGGER CAN’T HANDLE HIGH TEMPERATURES AAAAAAAAAAAAAA#stupid new droppers man. the old droppers could handle 100 degrees just fine. s o now the tube is clogged with melted plastic and it’s just.#life’s *really* great sometimes yk~~~~? (ʘ‿ʘ)#and so the night shift dude who came to take over the workstation against expectations seemed kinda pissed that i hadn’t started anything#and im just there. with my intestines wriggling about like internal abdominal worms. tryin not to cry in the face of my mistake.#while he’s fumin’ away like a freakin’ chimney or sth. like. man. no one asked you to take this workstation. you came here on your own. :(#anyway i ditched him and left for my break to calm myself down only to be approached by some random terribly lost middle aged to old lady#who was looking for directions to *somewhere* but she only spoke chinese aaaaaaaa#and i can’t read maps/i don’t even live in the area of my workplace so i have no idea if the lady managed to make it safely#but. lol. the lady showed me her message screen when she asked me for directions to her destination#and by pure coincidence the person she was texting is apparently related to someone with the same first name as me#the cons and cons of having common names man. i hope the lady managed to find her friend with the same name as me though lol#anyways. pls hw im begging. pls drop the crossfade for lxl birthday tmr i n e e d more meoto to carry on—#s o b s this is what im living for now ig. meoto………..
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#last night we were supposed to have me and two other people closing and one of them canceled#it was a good excuse but it’s been terrible bc this keeps happening and now I’m nervous about taking a break at exactly 7:15 bc that’s when#I have to break fast#it’s so frustrating cause one of my managers is incredibly lax about that stuff and the others act like they can’t go fifteen minutes w/out#having like some sort of backup even though the store is legit about to close and there’s not that many people there#anyway severance season finale tonight so let’s hope there’s not that much to do and I can get out early bc I want to lock in with my#mozzarella sticks and marinara sauce#we are doing it in order of importance so bc this is the season finale severance takes precedent and then I will read and go to sleep and#tomorrow we will watch the Pitt#have to finish the book I’m reading technically two but one of them is just not entertaining to me but I’m on the last stretch#anyway mini rant over and probably the last this is just cause I don’t have my journal on me right now
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nightmare saga part idk too many
#this sleep is ruining my day-to-day life atm#with my waking up screaming nightmares I am exhausted the entire day and can barely do anything#the nights without those I get just enough rest that I’m in a bad mood and short-tempered bc I’ve gotten too little sleep#but enough so that the energy to be in the bad mood is there#and like i try my very best not to be in a bad mood and let it affect everyone around me and myself but it’s just so hard#bc I’m so freaking tired and exhausted and just want to sleep#I want a good night’s sleep#I can’t remember the last time I actually had an entire night worth of good sleep#July? or August maybe#I’m so exhausted and tired and I just want to sleep#now I’d settle with enough sleep so I can manage my mood and not be snappy with everyone#that’s all I’m asking for#I can sleep terribly as long as I have that much energy#well no my home is falling apart it’s so messy#I’m eating way way too much sugar to just to try and get through the day which is not good#I’m running out of finished meals in my freezer as well#so I really should cook before I’m standing here without anything bc I’m too tired to cook#but I did do laundry today so at least I’ve got clean underwear and socks now for another three weeks which is always something#oh and we’re not even gonna touch on the pain aspect of it all bc who has the energy to care about that
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