#now it’s a month later and i’ve never felt so stressed and angry in my life

[reflectionsofgalaxies]

EI rejected my claim and doesn’t say why, and I’m panicked and furious. This could mean I receive no EI support at all this month, and not only do I have rent to pay which takes almost two EI payments alone, I now have school costs as well.

I feel like the world is falling apart around me just as I started to move forward for the first time in eight years.

[fakeoutbf]

.

[pedrostylez]

Mi Vida

pairing: Javier Peña x fem!reader

summary: reader and Javier are coworkers that typically hate each other, but find each other helpful in relieving that stress

rating: 18+ (no minors please)

word count:3.6k

warnings etc: smut, dirty talk, unprotected p in v sex, pet names, oral, female recieving, established relationship. NO USE OF Y/N.

A/N: I finished Narcos last week :( and I know that Murphy isn’t in the last season but I have him here because I feel like it. Loosely based on some of the events in Season 3, but barely. Anyways! This is the final part of the Mi Luz fic. Thank you for sticking around for my first one. Writing will hopefully improve as time goes on :)

3 months after Mi Cielo 

Seeing him at work was different from his apartment. Both were stressed out Javier, but one was colder to you and one was loving, inviting, and warm. Sometimes you thought he was angry with you, even though it had been clarified on more than one occasion he was trying to separate the two of you at work so as to “not embarrass you.” Had you really asked for that so often that he repeated it back?

Maybe at first you were embarrassed-you didn’t want anyone to know about your relationship with him because you thought it would backfire. But now you wished for a little more attention. It had almost been a year since you two started your weekly get-together, and Susan and Amy had let you know that after that night in the bar, they could see how he cared for you. 

You brought a file up to Murphy after he called you while heading back from his most recent trip out, now staring at the back of Javier’s head while Murphy flipped through the file. If Murphy was asking you a question you missed it, the back of Javier’s neck was too interesting to not focus on. He looked tense, head buried in the paperwork in front of him and going through files you had given him days before that he never returned. 

You used to get on him about not giving back files, but you knew this was important. He had mentioned at his place over the weekend that he was trying to track one of the connections' wives down from the Cali cartel, and you encouraged him to keep the papers until he figured it out. He had momentum and you weren’t going to break it. 

“Thanks for this, but I don’t think it is what I need.” Murphy’s voice took you out of your trance, eyeing you and glancing at Peña. He had never said, but you were positive that he knew about your relationship with Peña too. They were friends and sometimes your weekends were cut short so that Javier could go to Steve’s like he used to.  

You smiled, bringing your eyes back to Murphy. “Okay, do you want me to look in one of the older files? This was the most recent intel from a few months ago.”

Murphy shook his head and sighed. “No, I’ll come down and take a look in a few hours. Gotta update the boss first.” He stood up, glancing one more time between you and Javier, smiling in a way that said “he’s upset right now, best to leave him alone”.

You nodded, holding the file tight to your chest as you walked back to the hallway that led to your archives room. He would tell you if he needed you. 

A few hours later, sitting at your desk and taking notes, you glanced up to find Javier standing in the doorway watching you. He looked tired but smirked and stepped into the room. “I’ve been here for a few minutes and you didn’t notice.”

“Sorry, I was taking down some information that was left by one of the girls. Do you need something?” You felt breathless, hoping he would close the door and ask something personal like he would in your bed. He had been so careful the past few months that there really was a separation that you had asked for initially. 

“I’m here in place of Murphy. He asked me to grab the files you two talked about earlier?” He looked around the room, not avoiding you but not intent on keeping your focus. He was distracted, thinking about how the rest of his weekend would go. 

“Oh, right. Let me just see here.” You stood, tapping the table lightly with your fingers as you thought about where the older files were. You moved your ladder over, taking a step up and reaching for a smaller box. 

The door shut behind Peña and he lowered his voice. “I’m uh-I have to take care of work tonight. I have to bring that asshole's wife back to Miami so he will talk to us and I am going to be gone for a few days.” He was nervous, shoving his hands in his pants pockets and glancing up at you. “I’m sorry I am telling you here but I didn’t want to just go and not tell you and I don’t think I will have time to see you before.”

You looked at him, stepping down from the ladder and smiling. “That’s okay Javi, I understand.”

He felt the breath leave him quickly, and he reached out to your desk for support. Did you call him Javi? At work? He had been so careful, keeping his distance from your archives and keeping the door open when he had to see you. He wanted to see you more but knew you didn’t want to jeopardize anything. “Maybe you can go out with Susan and Amy or something and I’ll give you the key to my place?” He whispered, feeling like the offer was the right move. Have fun with your friends but come back to me even if I am not there.

You chuckled, shuffling through the file box.” I don’t think so, you know what happened last time.” You hadn’t gone out since that night, explaining as vaguely as possible to Susan and Amy what happened. They never asked you again, rather having a girl’s night in or gossip session at your place. 

Pena smirked, hiding his irritation at never finding Roberto (he was a DEA agent for Christ’s sake and he couldn’t track down one asshole?) “The sex after you scared me half to death was worth it.”

You laughed, glancing behind him to the doorway that was currently closed. “I might go out, but just to be with the girls, not to drink. I know where you keep your key, maybe I’ll do a load of dishes for you.” You felt yourself heat up as you spoke, embarrassed that you were willing to do domestic things for him while he wasn’t there. 

A full smile plastered on his face, and a light chuckle breathed out. “That is very nice of you mi luz,” He said, looking at the shoes you were wearing today and back up to your face. You were likely going to be walking today. “I’ll be back on Saturday, hopefully before lunch. Will I find you in my bed or should I go to yours?”

It was like he was purring, and it made you squirm. “If you want me to stay at yours to watch your apartment, then I can.”

“That’s not why I want you there, but if that is what will get you there then I’ll take it.” He laughed, grabbing the handle to the door and swinging it open. “I’ll call you.” He winked, glancing out into the hallway and seeing it was clear before running back into the room and grabbing your face. You seemed more relaxed recently, and was willing to risk your fury for a kiss. “Just a quick one, cielo.”

He pecked your lips twice, then kissed you for a little longer on the last one before running away, file in hand for Murphy and chuckling at how your eyes were the size of saucers. You cleared your throat, feeling blood rush to your face as you busied yourself at your desk. Once he was clear of the hallway, footsteps no longer heard, you reached into your second drawer and pulled out the “Spanish to English” translation book that Javier got you as a joke a couple months ago, thumbing through to the dog-eared pages to find the words. 

Mi luz: My light

Mi cielo: My heaven

Instead of going out, you headed straight for Peña’s place, knowing he had a couple movies you could watch while doing some dishes that you had left at his place a couple nights ago. There was no way he had cleaned it up since he was so busy with this most recent issue. 

It didn’t take long for you to do dishes, and you figured that his couch was more comfortable than yours so you sat down to finish the movie you had put in when you first got there. Just as you sat down his home phone rang, making you glance at its spot on the kitchen wall. Was it smart to answer his phone? What if it was his family and a girl was answering and he didn’t want them to know? He did say he would call…

You were caught in your thoughts for so long that the ringing stopped, and you thought you were in the clear until it rang again. Sighing, you stood up and hesitantly picked it up. “Hello?”

“Cariño-it 's me.” Javi sounded out of breath, struggling even, on the other end of the line. 

“What’s wrong?” You wrapped your fingers around the cord, nervously looking up toward the door.

“I-well. I need to hear your voice. I wasn’t sure if you would be there yet but you didn’t answer your phone after the fourth ring…I'm going to be home later tonight.” He still sounded out of breath, trying to act normal.

“What happened?” you pushed. “Javi you sound like you just ran a mile, why aren’t you on a plane?”

“I fucked up baby, and now I don’t need to go to Miami. Are you staying at my place? Will you be there when I get there?” 

You nodded your head, reaching out to the counter to support yourself. “Yes, Javi, I'll be here. Do you want me to stay awake? Can I do anything right now?”

He was trying to not panic through the phone, but the relief he felt that you were on the other end of the line calmed him enough to quiet his voice in the airport bathroom. “Just-fuck. I fucking lo– I’ll be back before you’re asleep I think. I’ll bring food-”

“No, honey I’ll have food ready for you. Is everything okay? Really I need you to answer me.” You were scared. He had never done this before and the way he was talking through the phone made your concern increase. There had been plenty of weekends where he had to travel to find a cartel in a jungle or to fly to the States, but he always returned and would call you to visit him on Sunday night, wanting just a minute with you. You overlooked how you called him honey.

He didn’t miss it, and it made him take another breath. “Everything is okay, I just don’t know how much longer I can do this.” He felt small admitting this on the phone to you. “I’m heading your way soon. There’s cash in the drawer next to the silverware to order takeout if you want hermosa. I’ll see you soon.”

You had changed out of your clothes, running home and grabbing a bag and running back, convinced you would miss him and that he would worry. You both ended up living very close together, but if you walked at your leisure it would have taken 30 minutes one way. Breathless, you started cooking something easy so that there would be leftovers for him but so that you could eat something while you waited for his return. You were still jittery, nervous about what he meant by not knowing how much longer he could do this. 

You were halfway through putting cheese on some bread to pop in the oven when you heard him slide his keys into the lock of his front door. You looked around the corner of the wall from the island, seeing his shoulders come into view as he threw his keys on the coffee table, locking the door behind him. He turned around, coming face to face with you and you saw it-the worry in between his eyebrows, the tilt of his eyes. “What happened, Javi?”

He deflated, ripping his jacket off and into you, wrapping his arms around your waist, and setting you on the counter. His head was hidden in your shoulder as he breathed deeply, working up the courage to tell you of his failure. “I was supposed to bring her to Miami to see her husband, but he’s dead. He was killed as we were getting on the plane.”

You paused, bringing your hands up to the nape of his neck and doing your best to soothe him. He pushed further into you, his breath catching. “That isn’t your fault.”

He let out a gust of air, tears coming to his eyes as he gripped your hips tighter. “Everything goes wrong all the time and I don’t think I can keep doing this.” He clutched to you, willing you to understand. How could he keep being at the root of all this chaos? 

You pet the back of his head, rubbing in between his shoulders and quietly cooing at him as he continued to cry. “It’s okay Javi, we can just relax tonight. I have food–”

“It isn’t okay!” He exclaimed, bringing his eyes to yours and grabbing at your face to make you look at him. “I’ve hurt so many people in the process of catching these assholes in a country that doesn’t even give a shit–”

“Listen to me.” You grabbed his arms, stopping him in his tracks. His eyes were already swollen and red-rimmed with tears. “You can do what you want about leaving, but don’t think for a second that this is your fault. One way or another people were going to get hurt, whether or not you were in the position you are in now. You have done what you can to do what needs to be done and if you need to remove yourself from all of this then you’re allowed to do that.”

He watched you speak, waited for you to finish, and sighed, leaning his forehead against yours. He couldn’t believe that you were here for him right now, soothing him, cooking for him. He saw your bag that was in the hallway when he first arrived and he hoped you weren’t planning on leaving-he couldn’t be alone. “Okay.” I love you. “You’re right, we should just relax. Why didn’t you order takeout?” Thank you for cooking for me. “I told you where the money was.” Don’t leave me. 

You smiled, patting his shoulder. “I thought pasta would be easier.” 

He leaned back, glancing down at your lips and giving you a quick peck. “Will it be okay to leave it unattended for a minute?” He asked, fingers dancing along your hips and pushing the shirt you were wearing up. “I have an appetizer in mind.”

You let out a giggle, spreading your legs more and leaning back on your hands. “Let me set the timer for the bread and see if we can beat it?” You knew this was a distraction, and all you wanted was to make him happy.

He smiled, pulling at his tie and kicking off his shoes. “Better hurry cariño, I’ll start without you.” He disappeared into his bedroom, taking off his shirt first and hearing you laughing as you reached for his timer. Hearing your laugh made him smile, his hands coming to the button of his jeans as you walked into the room. He grabbed at you, growling playfully to hear you giggle again and falling onto the bed with you in a heated kiss. 

His movements were frantic, reaching into your shorts and finding you already wet for him. “Mi luz you’re already drenched. All for me?” 

His breath was heavy on your neck, your hands finding purchase in his hair and messing up his gelled waves. You flipped back to the same page in that translation book in your head and smiled. “For you, always.”

He groaned, ready to sob at the thought that you were only his. He could always admit to you his feelings when he was buried inside you, but were you able to do the same? His hands retreated, grabbing at the waistband and helping you shimmy out of the shorts and underwear, spreading your legs and inhaling deeply. 

Your legs tingled as he grabbed at them, spreading you apart and making eye contact with you as he leaned down with the tip of his tongue, connecting with your clit. With barely any pressure, he circled it, keeping your attention as he squeezed your inner thighs. 

He groaned, closing his eyes as his tongue dipped down to your entrance and in, reaching inside you and back out, spreading your wetness. He did this over and over again, silently listening to you whimper and feeling you squirm as his beard and mustache got wet. He turned his head and kissed each thigh, letting you feel how wet you were, his facial hair dragging on your skin. Your legs shook with need, reaching down and grabbing at the top of his head making him smirk. “Does it feel good?”

“Yes-please keep going.” You were quick to respond, pulling his head closer to you and watching his tongue reach back out to your clit. You didn’t notice his hand slide up your thigh as he moved two fingers around where you made a mess, sinking them into you and holding you open for him. 

“Have a timer we have to beat don’t we?” He mumbled, suddenly sucking your bud into his mouth and smirking at how you jumped. 

“Maybe 15 minutes left on the clock.” You whispered, leaning your head back and sighing deeply. 

“Plenty of time, baby.” He groaned into you, pulling you closer to him as you started to squirm away, fingers rhythmically pushing into you, looking up to see your throat exposed, blush creeping up slowly as your breathing increased. “I think we will even have time to spare won’t we?”

“Y-yes.” You looked back down at him, brown eyes already on you and tilting up in a smile and you felt a rush of confidence. “You look amazing like this, mi vida.”

Javier felt his world stop, watching the smirk grow on your face into a smile and then into a whimper, biting your bottom lip as you grew anxious with the continued pumping of his fingers. He pulled away, face messy with your wetness, and paused his fingers still inside you. “What did you say?”

You hesitated, wanting to laugh at how shocked he was but also suddenly nervous. Did you say it wrong? “Uh, mi vida? Is that the right-”

“I’m your soul?” He choked, feeling tears come to his eyes again. When did he become such a crybaby? “Do you mean that?”

Your eyes softened, looking down at his hand still inside you, and pushed your hips down further onto them. “I don’t say things I don’t mean, Javi. Do you say things you mean?” 

He couldn’t speak, just staring at you as you unintentionally bucked your hips and whined, watching your eyes race between his own and his hand. “I mean every word I say to you.” He groaned, pulling his fingers out of you even though you sighed in protest, leaning up to be at eye level with you. “You’ve been reading that book, haven’t you?”

You laughed, wrapping your arms around his shoulders and widening your legs for him to slot between them. “I have pages marked so I can refresh my memory when you say something.”

He leaned forward to kiss you, pausing as you let him explore your mouth, cradling your face in his hand. He hiked your legs up around his waist, pulling back to watch your face as he sunk into you. “So you know then-” he groaned, holding your hip still as he started a slow rhythm. “You know that you’re the light in my life?” He pushed hard into you, wanting to hear your breath catch for a moment. “That you’re my everything?”

You smiled,  loving the feeling of him inside you. You felt your throat catch when you went to respond, instead moaning and reaching up and grabbing what hair you could at the nape of his neck. 

“Answer me.” He demanded, picking up speed at the pull of your fingers in his hair, wanting to feel you pull harder. 

“Yes.” Absolutely breathless. “You’re my everything too, Javi.” 

He closed his eyes, feeling like he was losing his mind. He continued to pump into you, leaning himself back to watch as he disappeared into you again and again. “You look absolutely filthy like this baby. You take me so well, such a good girl. Mine, aren’t you?”

You preened, nodding at his question and grabbing onto his arms for support as you felt your release begin. You couldn’t control yourself around him anymore, always enjoying your time with him and then losing yourself before you even had a chance to pull in the reins. He enjoyed watching you lose control, vaguely hearing the timer in the kitchen as you cried out. He was close too, falling over the edge after watching you in bliss, stuttering his thrusts inside of you. 

When you both caught your breath, he stood on wobbly legs, laughing and running to the kitchen to turn off the oven and stovetop. When he returned, half soft and hair a mess, he watched as you sat up, eyes glazed over in relaxation. You smiled at him, reaching out your hand for him to join you. 

He sat next to you, leaning into your neck to kiss you lightly. “I can’t stay with the DEA but I want to stay with you.” He swallowed roughly, feeling that he needed to explain more but wanted you to already know.

You looked at him, tilting your head and sighing. “Then leave the DEA. You’ll still have me-I’ll be here.” You knew. He was at the end of his rope with this job, and you would be there to support him.

He chuckled, reaching for his shirt on the floor. “Well mi luz, then you’re stuck with me.”

[winterrsun]

An aversion to zombie brains

Mini drabble I cooked up

Blurb- Not long after the group arrived at Alexandria you feel a little off. Daryl thinks settling there has made you weak, but what if it’s something more than that?

Reader x Rick | some fluff, references to smut but no smut in story

Warnings: pregnancy references. Some gore. Language (f-word).

This just popped into my head and I had to write it out immediately instead of doing work like I’m supposed to be woops

“You sure you’re good to out today, you’ve been a little under the weather lately” Rick softly enquired as you finished lacing up your boots.

“How did you pick up on that, I haven’t said anything? And I’m fine, I’m itching to get out of here for a bit” you replied with a smile.

“I notice things” he smirked, “you haven’t been eating much. And you’ve been sleeping in later in the mornings. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I am, I promise” you said, planting a kiss to his lips before leaving.

You headed through the gates of Alexandria with Daryl, Rosita, Carol and Glenn by your side. Glenn looked at the list in his hand of supplies you were all scouting today.

“Let’s head out east” he suggested, “and stick together for now until we find something concrete to search”.

It wasn’t a particularly fruitful run, unfortunately. You did run in to a small heard of walkers, 20 or so. Nothing your capable group couldn’t handle. However, as you plunged your large knife into a walker skull and the smell of its leaking blood and brains down your arm hit you, you experienced a visceral reaction as if it were your first time killing one of these things.

Your brain clouded with dizziness and you instantly gagged. Trying to shake it off you turned to the next walker fast approaching you, snapping its teeth, but couldn’t repress the heaving sensation making its way up the back of your throat. You pivoted away from the walker and threw your breakfast up all over the ground, while Daryl’s bolt pierced the skull of your would-be attacker, sending the walker to the ground in an instant.

The group picked off the last couple roamers with ease while you continued to retch, before shakily straightening up and wiping your mouth with your sleeve. You were mortified, you couldn’t understand why that had happened. You must have killed at least a hundred of those animated corpses by now, many in much more gruesome ways than a knife cleanly to the skull. You’d never had a reaction like this before. Maybe you had food poisoning.

“The hell was that?” Daryl asked. His tone wasn’t angry, but you still felt ashamed.

“I- I don’t know. I think it must’ve been something I ate?” You stammered.

“We’ve all been eating the same food though” Rosita replied. “Plus it’s way better than anything we’ve eaten in months.”

You shrugged helplessly. “I really don’t know guys. I’m sorry” you said.

Daryl scoffed a bit, “I think I know what it is. I think these sheltered Alexandrians are rubbing off on ya. Don’t go getting weak on us now.”

Your eyes widened, “oh come on! That is not it” you began in argument, but Daryl’s wide grin stopped you and he started to chuckle. He was just teasing you; one of his favourite pastimes.

“Youre an ass, Dixon” you grumbled.

The group made their way back to Alexandria without further incident. As you closed in on the last mile of the journey, making your way down the now-familiar path, Carol pulled you back for a chat.

“How long have you been under the weather?” She asked you gently.

“A couple weeks, on and off” you admitted. “I don’t really know what it is, maybe stress adapting to this place? Maybe my body’s having a fit now that the constant survival mode feeling has reduced a little.”

“Mmm, maybe” Carol replied after a pause. “I’ve noticed you not eating much, and being picky on what you will eat. I haven’t known you to be picky with food before” she continued.

“Yeah….well I don’t know….like I said I think it’s probably stress?” You asked it as a question, wanting her to up and reveal what she was getting at.

The two of you walked in silence for a couple of minutes before she continued. “How long since your last period honey?”

You looked at her, then straight ahead, as you tried to remember. You couldn’t really. You knew you hadn’t had one yet since arriving at Alexandria, and your group had been there over six weeks now.

You remember feeling thankful to not have one on the road for a while, because when you did get it on the road it was fucking awful.

“Couple months, at least” you answered finally. “That could be stress too” you pointed out halfheartedly.

“It could” Carol agreed, “but I’m not sure it is” she added.

She walked ahead back into the group, leaving you at the back with your mind racing a hundred miles a minute. You and Rick were careful, you tried to be at least. When you didn’t have condoms he’d always pull out. And while high school health class taught you that wasn’t a fool proof method, you also tried your best to keep track of your cycle and when you’d be at highest risk of pregnancy.

That was at the prison, when life had some level of structure and stability. You couldn’t keep track of anything on the road. You thought back to the few moments you and Rick had shared while your group travelled and survived. That time against a tree when you were meant to be looking for firewood. Another time under an old railway bridge. You hadn’t been very careful the last few months you realised.

As you re-entered Alexandria, you saw Rick approaching the group to welcome you all back, clapping Daryl on the back and smiling at Carol. He walked up to you and pulled you into his arm, kissing the top of your head affectionately.

You looked up at him, and suddenly felt very nervous.

“You okay?” He asked, brow furrowed as he looked into your anxious eyes.

“I think we need to talk babe” you replied.

[nsk96]

Rant:

My mom and I went out to run errands today and she decided to use this opportunity to have a conversation about why I’ve been “rude to her lately.”

I told her some of things I was feeling but of course had to hold back. It was so annoying how she keeps pushing and pushing for answers. She doesn’t seem to be able to figure out I don’t want to talk about it with her. Like she doesn’t understand consent.

And of course she excused her behavior of belittling my viewpoints, invalidating my feelings about our situation. She always has to compare how she feels in the sense of “I have it worse”. I brought up her attention but she’s like “you know I don’t mean it that way”…umm no I don’t know that and why complain when I complain? She complains about our situation all the time and I listen without having to inject my own feelings. I don’t understand why she can’t do the same for me and says it’s just her “personality”. She literally said “consider how I feel. I have to do___” as a response to me explaining how stressed put I am about our situation. I pointed that out to her later when things calmed down and she denies she meant it that way. She tried to even change up her words saying she didn’t say it like that.

She’s been allowed to say whatever the fuck she wants for so long, that she doesn’t even remember half the shit she says apparently.

She says she feels like she can’t be herself around me and has to walk on “pins and needles” because I’m “sensitive”. I’m sorry, if your personality revolves around unintentionally insulting and belittling other people and unintentionally dismissing their feelings all the time, you may want to do some reflection. “It’s just the way I talk” 🙄 More like I let you get away with it my whole life, and at the age of 28 I finally had enough and try to stand up for myself but all that comes out is rage, and of course she makes herself the victim.

“When you hurt me I pray for your forgiveness (for god to forgive me) all the time. You don’t want a mother’s wrath, I wouldn’t ever wish that on you.” You know what, maybe I should be praying for god to forgive you too, for hurting me my whole life. She has no clue that at 14 I was planning to kill myself.

I’m the one that felt like I couldn’t be myself at home for most of my life. I’m the one that had to walk on “pins and needles” around both of my parents. I always wanted to stay at school and not come home. I’m the one that never felt safe to express myself and my feelings at home, especially to her.

In this convo, she was like “if I say something insulting, you can just tell me “wow mom that was harsh”. I told her I literally don’t how how to do that.

When she talks, she keeps going and pushing and it gets me so upset I can’t control my emotions (though I’ve made progress recognizing what I’m feeling, it will be a while until I reach that point that she wants me to be at). All of a sudden she expects me to have this high level of emotional intelligence when she doesn’t have it herself. My whole life she blew up at me whenever she was angry and even took her anger at my dad and bro, out on me. And all of suddenly she expects me not to do the same. 28 years.

So I told her, “so you can say what you want, how you want, but I have to be careful what I say around you?” She was like “that’s different. I’m your mother.” I said “that’s double standards.” She then went on a small rant about all the sacrifices she made for me and said stuff like “I’m your mother not just for birthing you.” Oh you mean the sacrifices you made to do your job as a parent? And you’re using the sacrifices you’re making now as a way to guilt-trip me into giving you unconditional respect without criticism? What a mother.

And of course we had a whole conversation about our “culture” (Indian culture surrounding familial duty) because I didn’t show my bedroom to my visiting aunt and uncle a few months ago. The culture where you’re obligated to people no matter how much they hurt you.

I straight up told her that our culture sucks ass.

I even ended up telling her that I feel like a burden and she said “I don’t remember doing anything to make you feel that way.” Like constantly reminding me all the shit you put up with “just for me” wouldn’t make anyone feel like a burden. And watching her always lament on the fact that she can’t have hobbies because she had children and had to put up with my dad to give us “a normal childhood” (tf is a normal childhood anyway? Children will normalize any environment you put them in until they learn different. I now have to struggle to unlearn the shit I grew up in)

And though she said she’ll be “more careful” about how she says things, I know she’ll revert back to old habits and we’ll be back to square one in no time. This whole convo was really just her talking and yelling/scolding to the point I just blanked out and struggled to speak. Of course I was crying the whole time too because I just wanted her to stop pressuring me to speak going “tell me__”. Felt almost like an interrogation

[theemptybloggercometh]

A few months ago, as part of a routine cardiology appointment I had a consultation with a nurse about diet and lifestyle. Now I don’t know what the nurse’s thought process was, but it seemed very much like she had taken one look at me and one look at how I was around the same weight as I was two years ago and decided that I wasn’t doing anything to be healthy. I will freely acknowled that over the past four years my diet hasn’t been the best. Recently though I’ve recognised that I’m an emotional eater especially with dealing with stress at work which started when I was a newly qualified nurse then continued later on working through the pandemic then later still being nurse in charge. Realising that I emotionally eat is helping me figure out if I genuinely want chocolate and cakes or if I want them because I’m stressed. I’m also trying to eat more fruit and veg and moderate my portion size.

But the nurse didn’t ask me about any of this. Instead, she suggested that I eat at a regular time which I’ve been doing since I changed jobs. When I was working on the ward though I often had to postpone my lunch, very rarely got a dinner break and, especially in the last year, sometimes got home late.

Other suggestions she said I could ‘simply’ do yet these were anything but such as taking up swimming again. As I explained, I used to get ear infections and this contributed to making me reluctant to continue. The nurse said that I should use ear plugs yet the thing was I did use ear plugs all those years ago and still ended up with ear infections (although I grant that that ear plugs might have improved in the intervening twenty years). I also mentioned dysphoria as something which put me off swimming when I was a teenager. The nurse didn’t even attempt to discuss this; maybe she just didn’t know what say, maybe she didn’t want to say the wrong thing, maybe she felt uncomfortable discussing something I clearly knew more about than her or maybe she genuinely thought that as I was on hormones anything related to my gender was a thing of the past. While it’s been a long time since someone challenged me or even looked at me funny for being in women’s bathroom I still feel like using a women’s changing room is a whole other level. There’s something a little “hmm” at best about telling someone with dysphoria that their body is wrong. I’m not saying the nurse was transphobic but she could and should have been a lot more sensitive to how discussing my body might make me feel.

I also mentioned how my antidepressants and hormones are known to cause weight gain (the corollary of which is these meds might make losing weight more challenging). I mentioned all these things to no avail; she had her lines prepared and she wasn’t about to go off script so in the end I just sat there nodding and occasionally saying that I’ll take her up on her advice like getting an app to monitor my calorie intake. This was a lie. This is probably the worst thing I could do as I’m pretty sure I was well on my way to developing an eating disorder in my early twenties when I felt really ashamed when I had eaten more than the arbitrary target I had set myself. There’s a reason why I will never own weighing scales: I’m not prepared to give my brain another opportunity to obsess about numbers and let them control my life. I knew that if I talked about this I wouldn’t be listened to and by disagreeing I would probably be labelled as a difficult patient.

As I left the appointment I was of course feeling angry but I was also disappointed. This is not how we’re taught to care for our patients. This is not how we should be caring for our patients. This is exactly the opposite of good nursing care.  

[adakseniak]

Last week young beautiful immigrant girl running away from Eastern Europe was brutally raped and left to die on the street in the city centre. I’ve been thinking about her since, few days later she died due to injuries and now I’m absolutely furious. The monster was caught on camera and arrested immediately, a polite Christian boy as he presented himself, committed an unimaginable act and hopefully he will never see freedom ever again. I still feel like it’s not enough and got me thinking about how could I survive act like this? Is it even possible? It happened 5 minutes from my workplace, I walk there so often, after dark or not, doesn’t matter, it could be any woman, these deviants have no preference except vulnerability of the victim. How many times I go home alone with keys in my hand, headphones turned off ready to fight or flight? Always, before that happened in our supposedly safe city, but now I’m thinking if I should go around with some weapon to protect myself. Acts like this take our sense of safety away even more, it just lingers in our brains and as women we already know to think about it whenever we go outside. How sick is that we have to protect ourselves instead of teaching men how to behave. With toxic manosphere culture uprising it’s going to happen again and again, even in the safest communities. The world is beyond evil at the moment and it’s already stressful enough as it is, but we can’t shut up and be desensitized to these problems. This situation touched me very deeply, because of the proximity, of course. How much violence happens behind the closed door? How many cases of abuse get reported? It also made me think about my experience. It took me years to realize I was abused by one of my partners, fortunately it was limited to psychological abuse, but it left a mark of my psyche and led to very unsafe behaviors and eventually an assault. I never reported it, I wasn’t even aware how fucked up it was until months later when I saw the person who abused me in a club and ran in a panic to the bathroom knowing he recognized me. I’m not traumatized anymore, I spend a lot of time in therapy and it’s far behind me now. I wonder how many young women felt unsafe around men, I think we all probably did in some way. And it makes me very fucking angry. Sorry for the rant, I can’t sleep.

[hearinglossfixed]

Richard Got Rid of His Tinnitus and Fixed His Hearing in Less Than a Month!

If you haven’t heard about this recent medical breakthrough that is helping thousands of men and women of all ages get rid of their tinnitus and enjoy perfect hearing in record time.

This is for you!

Richard is 55 years old and he had been struggling with tinnitus for years…

Because of it, he had come close to losing not just his company but even his family and was dealing with sky-high stress and anxiety 24/7.

When he started to take a few droppers of this medical-grade solution each day...

The incessant ringing in his years finally ceased and soon enough he had what the doctor called “perfect hearing”!

Not to mention the fact that his mind got sharper and he experienced restful sleep for the first time in years…

Richard truly became a new man, confident and secure in his own abilities. His performance at work improved and his life has never been better.

Read on to find out his story and prepare to be shocked!

“Hi I’m Richard,

And I am writing this because my story will surely motivate all men and women to take action and just take a few droppers of this medical breakthrough for at least a month. I’m 55 years old, but I feel as if I was 40. My hearing is sharp and clear, and I experience consistent mental mental peace and good sleep all the time now. And all because of this magical solution.

But it wasn’t always like this…

The truth is that I’ve never really been able to relax because I’ve always been busy with work and raising a family…

But the stress of taking care of my business and my two kids must’ve gotten to me…

Soon after I turned 40 I began to experience an incessant ringing in my ears… Without realizing what triggered it…

At first it was just a slight hum, but then it turned into a piercing shriek that I couldn’t get rid of no matter what I did…

It soon started affecting my sleep as well. In fact, I remember always waking up exhausted…

Which affected my performance at work...

And even began having a detrimental effect on my family. I was always short with my wife and kids, and sometimes found myself yelling at them for no reason. My mind felt like it was constantly under assault…

After a few years of having this piercing shriek in my ears, I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore. I could barely get out of bed in the morning...

I felt tired and irritable all the time, and worried that I was in danger of losing my sanity. 

A year later, my eldest daughter blessed me with two grandchildren, and the sheer joy of it helped me overcome my problem for a while. But one Sunday, when they were running rings around me in the garden, I suddenly felt the ringing in my ears growing stronger...

It was so deafening I almost passed out…

That's when I realized that something bad may have been happening inside my head! I couldn’t cope with the problem on my own anymore. So, I decided to see a doctor.

After he did a few tests, he told me that there was nothing wrong with my ears and that tinnitus has no effective cure. I just had to deal with it for the rest of my life…

Needless to say, this infuriated me beyond belief…

Seeing my reaction, he then said that he had read a study about a new potential treatment for tinnitus and hearing loss. The treatment was being heralded as a medical breakthrough in Harvard…

It wasn’t yet widely available, but he said he could help me get into a trial so I would be able to test it. All I had to do was to take two droppers of the stuff every morning before breakfast. He told me that the substance was meant to support the development of new hearing cells...

Taking advantage of my brain’s natural neural plasticity… 

I had a family holiday booked a few months ahead, so I would’ve given anything to quiet my mind before then! I wanted to play on the beach with my grandkids without feeling angry and irritable…

But what happened next completely blew my mind. I got into the trial and started taking the droppers as instructed. I was amazed at how good I felt after the first few days of treatment...

And since my doctor assured me that this was a 100% natural substance…

I didn’t experience any negative side effects at all.  In fact, after the first three days or so, it finally happened. My hearing started clearing up. 

Wow, I thought...

The shrieking sound in my ears got dimmer and dimmer…

I became filled with hope!

It reverted back to being a regular hum within the first two weeks. Then after a few more days I stopped hearing it altogether! Pretty soon I realized that I had been cured! Immediately, my energy levels skyrocketed back to where  they were when I was in my early 30s! I started sleeping like a baby - a feeling I hadn’t had in years... 

Another thing that happened… It felt like my mind was getting sharper with each passing day. I could hear things from farther away, and immediately make out familiar voices over the phone…

That damn ringing had almost robbed me of my sanity, but now I felt more alive than ever! Each day was a blessing, and I was incredibly happy to go on that family trip and had an amazing time with my grandkids...

By the end of the first month, I was 100% free of tinnitus.

Incredible!

Go Here To Get The Scientific Hearing Breakthrough that Harvard Has Been Raving About!

So I decided to see my doctor for a new check-up, and guess what?

He was as amazed as I was. He said I had the kind hearing that only top-level audio engineers had. He recommended that I continue the treatment… So I did.

And by the end of the second month, I felt that my memory had strengthened as well. Hearing loss has been linked to memory problems, so it felt immensely gratifying to realize that I now had the sharpness of mind of a 40-year old. This is me on that vacation I was telling you about.

Go Here To Get The Scientific Hearing Breakthrough that Harvard Has Been Raving About!

Before, I couldn’t even be near water because the sound of the waves crashing would drive me insane. But there I was, enjoying one of the best holidays in my life. Loving each second I got to spend with my grandkids and wife. No longer did I have to worry about that incessant ringing ruining each and every experience I took part in.

Next year I had my most profitable year ever at work. Business was booming, and I had the energy to handle work and take care of my family at the same time. I am really proud of myself!

And I am really grateful that my doctor helped me change my life by giving me this incredible natural treatment instead of putting me on pills or recommending expensive surgery. I will happily be taking this treatment every day for the rest of my life!

Richard"

So, if you want to drastically improve your health by getting rid of tinnitus for good and fixing your hearing, tap the link below to get this incredible medical breakthrough!

Go Here To Get The Scientific Hearing Breakthrough that Harvard Has Been Raving About!

Have an amazing day!

Brian Williams

[pzos-amiserableidiot]

Vent? Self diagnosing? Something like that

I’ve often thought there’s something wrong with me. Something that makes me alien, robotic, or simply different from everyone around me. I know that is wrong. There are people who shame my experiences and understand my feelings and that I’m never truly alone and I take comfort in that. However, it’s still weird and isolating. I know there are others who feel things like I do and think like I do and understand on a fundamental level why I react (or don’t) a certain way because they do the same.

That isn’t to say that I understand myself all of the time. I notice patterns in my behavior and can recognize when I’m hurting myself, emotionally, physically, and/or mentally (all at various levels of awareness and apathy depending on the situation ofc). But I have trouble defining it and putting a name to emotions I feel. I know I’m feeling something. I may even know it’s a positive/negative/yearning/upset/righteously angry/etc. feeling. But because I’m very shit at recognizing other feelings in my body, such as hunger or stress or pain until it begins to grow and start to overwhelm, I have trouble recognizing when something is a problem more than a feeling.

All of this to say I think I’ve been feeling touch deprived. I think for years. Or maybe deprived of the feeling of safety??? Unsure. I crave affection and hugs and physical touch and words of affirmation from those I truly trust and care about and feel safe with. However, I’m only ever around my little sister often enough to get safe feeling hugs around once or twice a week since I’ve moved out for college. I rarely see the friends I feel safe enough to seek hugs and attention from (I think the last I saw them was to watch the Barbie movie). I have only two friends in college who I’d say I’d be okay hugging (one more than the other but still uncomfortable feeling) and we also rarely see each other (maybe once or twice a month). I like and get along with my roommate but she still triggers my fight or flight and I’m incredibly aware of where she is at all times (we live together fine and have talked and bonded a bit but still). All in all, I rarely receive touch from anyone outside of the weekends, and even then the hugs are brief (my sister isn’t too fond of touch and my parents hugs feel choking and I hate them)

The symptoms of being touch blend in a lot with everything I’ve ever felt. I’ve suffered from depression since third grade and anxiety probably longer. I’m doing better now but they still hit every now and then. Plus college raises your stress levels so no dice there. The thing that has brought it to my attention the most was my hyper awareness of every brush of the skin and touch someone gave me. An accidental shoulder bump to a stray hand hitting me while someone gesticulates. Even someone leaning over to grab something and being close enough to feel the heat from their skin sears itself into my memory. It’s not quite burning but the touch seems to linger and I can still feel it days later. I think I want to cry about it sometimes. I’ve gotten good enough at telling my emotions and thoughts apart to know I’m nothing thinking about it because of anxiety. I think it’s a yearning. I’ve gotten clingier to my sister and the family when I see them. It’s weird and off putting how much I crave to the attention and hugs from people I used to feel mostly anxious and vaguely happy with.

I think I used to suffer from this a lot when I was in elementary school. 4th and 5th grade, when my world was a rollercoaster of ending, being revived, and ending once more. And middle school I was weary and constantly felt wrong footed, slowly I grew to have friends and they were affectionate. I healed and know I think I’m recognizing I’m returning to a warped version of that state before. I know how to deal with my depression, anxiety, many chronic illnesses, stress and school now. I am in a better place mentally than I was before. I do not quite know how to deal with this.

I have a weighted blanket that was supposed to be for my anxiety but now helps chase away the chill of the absence of something (someone?). It’s heightening my anxiety and I think causing my hallucinations to start up again. It’s causing my back to feel colder and more vulnerable than ever (it’s reminding me of middle school and needing a heavy jacket or backpack on me nearly at all times to help chase away the chill despite the weather reaching the 90-100s. When it wasn’t one of those it was a wall or chair or couch against my back, pressing myself firmly against it until the chill/eyes watching/wings trying to break free went away). I’m unsure if there’s anything more I can be doing. I am socializing just fine (I am the treasurer of the Pride club so I can’t exactly escape a certain level of socialization even if I wanted to) and I am exercising regularly (the campus may be small but my classes have the luck in being on the opposite sides of campus) and I am sleeping regularly and showering and generally doing my best to take care of myself.

I tried once, a long time ago back in elementary and again in middle, to try and be more touchy. To get that touch I craved and achieve my goal of being (what I used to view) a very friendly person who people feel safe with. But, it always made my skin crawl, my anxiety spike, and feel so incredibly awkward and weird. I concluded that I’m simply not the kind of person who can pull off or be a touchy friendly person. (I then turned to trying to tell people how much I cared verbally, this I managed to learn and do). However, because of my weird reactions to touch (mostly freezing or flinching) and not being very good at reciprocating, my friends had the impression I didn’t like touch all that much. And I can exactly deny that.

I hate random adults touching me. I feel uncomfortable if a stranger or someone I barely know acts too friendly touch wise. I hate when my dad rubs my back or does his weird supposed-to-be-comforting/calming rub on my arm. I hate when mom cuddles me. (It’s not that I don’t crave their hugs and affection, it’s more 50/50. I just hate when they do it without my permission. Or for too long. Or touch a spot on my back or rub my back that my brain registers as wrong. I stop feeling safe and more trapped and suffocated. Like I’m being held my claws or chains. I also know it’s impossible to ask for them to know when it’s okay to touch me and when, so I put up with as much as I can.) So when it comes to me trying to figure out if I’m touch starved, I get even more unsure.

Yes, I crave touch, but only from those I trust and feel safe with. However, the amount of touch and affection I crave is immense. I drive myself into a spiral imagining receiving positive non sexual touch from my real friends to fictional characters. I imagine cuddling, holding hands, hugs, laying on top off each other, a head on a shoulder, a hand clapping a back, etc. And then I’m thrusted back into reality and my anxiety spikes at asking for any of that let alone actually trying. I feel like anything outside sitting next to each, a hug or handshake or high five or maybe holding hands would cause me to climb out of my skin. And I’m unsure if that’s a positive or negative response. The only person I’m completely comfortable with is my sister, but I know enough that relying on one person for emotional support is ill advised and as she isn’t big on touch it would probably be ill received. Plus, we only see each other on weekends right now.

I hesitate to say that I have no one to go to for help with this. I have friends and I know they’d be willing to help as they’re all very kind people. But I’m unsure if I’d calm down from being anxious enough to enjoy it, with a few of them I can barely handle sitting close enough to press shoulders.

I believe I’m managing fine (not great but not too bad) right now anyways. After writing this all out i think it’s safe to say I’m touch deprived. I’ll just have to be more aware of that when trying to figure out why I’m feeling bad/stressed/overwhelmed. I’ll also do my best to talk to my friends more (Google says that helps along with some other things).

[thewriting-corner]

Linking Mental Health To Your Writing

Hello people. I am currently on deadline, and while that is making me really stressed, it’s the first time since I started this post that I feel remotely okay lol. Here’s to finally finishing it and posting writing advice- ish again (half rant, half advice). WUUUUUUU

TW: depression, anxiety, my horrifying coping mechanisms in 2020 lol

Introduction

It’s no secret that I have amazing mental health, by which I mean I’m constantly laughing at my terrible coping mechanisms,

mommy issues, and occasional depression and anxiety. When I was young(er), these are the things that made me want to write. Because I wasn’t going to therapy or talking to friends, writing BECAME my coping mechanism. It was great for some time, but after a while it began to develop some faults.

Not Sustainable

Now, I will not tell you how to or not cope with your problems and mental health. I am not a therapist or a specialist at ALL, but I do know from experience that this is not sustainable in the long term. It’s okay to write when you are sad or angry, but when you’re only able to write when you’re sad or angry, it can become a problem.

Of course, if you write as only a hobby and a way to cope with sadness, okay, you do you. But if your end goal as a writer is to make this your profession and sell books, it’s okay to take a moment and breathe. For me, I did this a lot with poetry. I only wrote poems about heartbreak and pain, and while I was okay with this being my niche, after a few months it became extremely hard to separate my poem reality from the real one. The lyrical I in my poems was in constant pain, mourning for a love she lost, but in real life? I was yes, lonely and in pain, but I still had so much to live and laugh for. I learned to wield my pain like a pen and that was great, but it took over me to the point of it actually worsening my mental health. Instead of only being sad sometimes, I would feel horrible all the time. It was no longer just the heartbreak of remembering what had inspired the poems, it became an everyday feeling that I couldn’t get rid of.

Self-Worth

My inspiration being based only on bad mental health was not only worse for my, well, mental health, but it began to affect how I felt about myself as well. Before, it was AMAZING that I’d never written a poem and then I was spitting them out four times a day. Later on, if I couldn’t write I was a failure. I sucked. Not only was I broken because I was unloved, but I couldn’t even do the one thing I had learned to do okay enough. And if I couldn’t do that, what was I even worth as a person?

The right answer is yes, yes I was, BUT bad mental health brain told me I wasn’t. And from there the only place I could keep going was down, and if you think I became a better writer for it, you are so, so wrong. It got to the point where I even gave up on poems too.

What To Do Instead

Okay so enough with the sob story. We all have bad mental health days and sometimes we take it out on the poor innocent character who was been mentioning for the last 20 pages how eager they are to create a future with their love interest. THATS OKAY!!!!!! The problem is only when you go overboard with it and are only able to write when you feel like crap.

If you are in this position, first of all, you’re awesome and deserving of love, and even if you kinda sucked you would be deserving of love. Second, if it’s something that happens often it’s time to seek help. Whether that be talking to family members or journaling or going to therapy is up to you. But turning a hobby into the only way you may remain emotionally stable is bound to become a disaster.

I wish I could give advice based on my experience, but as I mentioned before, I don’t write poems anymore. I’ve become unable to tap into that brain space that allowed me to write them. I burned out, pretty much.

Now, I’m so very sorry but I’m about to self promote lol. I’ve been pretty open about my depression episodes because, well, I have a problem with oversharing lol but also, because I’m really passionate about destigmatizing mental illness. And so, it’s no secret that my upcoming book The Sun Leads Back To You (coming April 14, 2023 hehe) was born during one of my worst depression episodes in years. So how, oh so wise Lu, is that any different than using writing to cope?

Well, my dearest reader, I did some things that helped me not fall even deeper than where I was at the time. First, I wrote what began as a not-too-sad story. I incorporated many of the aspects that had me depressed, yes, but they were secondary to the fluffy outline of the plot. What I needed when I started writing was hope, and so I began to write a story of a broken girl who gets the happy ending she desired.

I didn’t allow myself to become consumed with it. With my poems and with the other book I was writing at the time (another big reason for my starting to write TSLBTY), I became obsessed. In 2020, at the peak of my editing The Wrath of Chaos, I once edited almost 50,000 words in one week while in exam season. How? By sacrificing the one thing that kept me sane at the time: sleep and breaks. For every second I wasn’t thinking about school, I had TWoC in mind. And for every moment I wasn’t just thinking about it or studying, I was writing. Which meant I was barely sleeping or eating. It came to a point when the few hours I did sleep, I was hallucinating. And if I wasn’t hallucinating, my intense writing sessions would leave me forgetting the world of TWoC wasn’t real, and it would take me minutes to recover from the realisation that Marty and I were different people.

In hindsight, the hallucinations weren’t that bad, honestly, but it was hard sometimes to know what was dream, reality or a mix, and that really screwed me up. So when the time came to write TSLBTY, I didn’t allow myself to become so immersed in the world that I would struggle with the line between Sofia and Thomas and myself. I forced myself to have other goals and a life other than this book. Did it make it harder to write sometimes? Yes. But I’d rather be struggling to complete a deadline than forget the difference between real and fiction again.

Along with one of my previous points, I’ve made it a priority to not make it a lonely journey. Writing may be one of the loneliest professions and hobbies, but it doesn’t have to be. Having friends to lean on when a scene is hard or to celebrate accomplishments has made writing a trauma-packed story a lot easier to bear.

All that said, I truly believe the most important thing you can learn as a writer is to learn to separate your self worth from your writing. We are SO much more than words on paper (or lack thereof lol). It’s hard to remember sometimes, but when it is, I think the best we can do is take a look at other people around you. Your friends and family are not just side characters in your story - they have goals and lives and dreams, etc, and so do you. Your worth is NEVER defined by what you can or cannot do. Realising this isn’t a guarantee you won’t burnout, but it’s a least a cushion to fall on when you inevitably fail. And when you do, at least you know you’ll be okay <3

[svpervixen]

No, it isn’t what happened to you, it’s what happened to me.

I know the world revolves around you and all that drama and your own narrative of it, but I told you the extent of what happened to my knowledge. /I/ had nothing to do with it.

It blows my mind, that even now, after he replaced you as quickly as the others and most likely cheated on you, you still want to demonize ME for venting on my own blog that no one seems to give a fuck about but YOU.

I gave you chance after chance to hear me and understand where I was coming from. You chose to demonize me in the face of a serial abuser and I have zero sympathy for you at this point. That “LOL we really still doing this” post, I didn’t want to assume that was about me, but after your latest post, I know you’re still looking. And like I’ve said before, I’m not going to pretend I don’t look. Not nearly as often as I use to, but I still would, out of curiosity and concern. You can go ahead and pretend you don’t look at my shit, but you and I both know much better. Right? But like I said, I’m not going to pretend I don’t, which is why I’m saying this shit now.

I told you at the time and was prepared to show in court that I was mortified that you felt threatened at work. Because despite my personal feelings towards this whole thing, I would never wish harm or paranoia on you. I have no idea who violated your vehicle or put you in a position where you needed an escort to your car. I had NOTHING to do with that.

My cousin is a good man. The girl he was with at the time took it upon herself to further the dialogue in a way that neither of us were ok with, and lo and behold, less than a year later, they broke up because she wasn’t the right fit for him. Her and her family even got into a physical fight in a fucking Walmart that was posted on Facebook and ridiculed appropriately way after the fact. So anything that my family had to do at the time is so way beyond your understanding of this whole thing, it’s not even funny. But at the end of it all, I had no idea they had run into you at your job until after they had left. THATS when my cousin messaged me. At the time I was either at home or at work depending on the status of my health. Need screenshots again?

All that shit aside, I told you from the fucking start that I had nothing to do with it. It’s not my fault that I told the truth about what he did to me, and people became angry with him after the fact. You can choose to believe and defend a piece of shit, that’s on you. But don’t blame me for whatever the fuck happened to you at your job when I have you on fucking tape approaching me alongside that fuck at my own job to ruin my healing process for the next one to two years. My body was finally fucking healing from the ulcers the stress he put me through made me develop. And I know you wanted to act like you knew more about it than I did, but I was the one forced to take months off from work, unpaid. I was the one laid up in bed, legitimately fearing I was dying because I couldn’t even lift my head without passing out. I was the one that has 100s of dollars in medical bills to be put to sleep, have cameras shoved in my ass and throat, and be told when I woke up I had multiple holes in my digestive system and that’s why I got so weak at work, that’s why I couldn’t lift my head, that’s why I couldn’t stand or walk or even sit up without being in pain. And if you’re so smart, you’d know that highly stressful situations often result in ulcers like that. So what excuse do you have to give me now? Now that you’re not his main supporter, now that he has someone else to use, what the fuck do you have to say about it? Why in the flying FUCK do you care?! You want to be angry at me when you never even believed me in the first place??? Why in the fuck would you do or say anything that would even remotely resemble you still standing up for him after all he did???

Have you been picked yet? Is all you’re doing really worth it? You want to poke me at this point in my life? Go the fuck ahead because I’m stronger than I’ve ever fucking been and I’m not going to cower in front of you. When you and that fuck came into my job and cornered me, I was less than a month back from healing from my ulcers, and I was still dealing with an immense amount of trauma. My nervous system is still recovering and has been for a while. So the fact that my knees were shaking and I couldn’t get my words out? It’s not because I was fucking scared of you two. It’s because I was fucking traumatized. And if you want to continue making a mockery out of my fucking trauma, go the fuck ahead. Want to keep believing his narrative, even after the ways he fucked you over? Go the FUCK ahead. But don’t pretend like the shit you’ve been posting lately isn’t a direct response to the way I’ve been venting on my OWN blog. If you didn’t want a direct response, maybe make it a bit more nuanced. Otherwise? I’m not afraid to confront you. Henceforth, here the fuck I am.

Got anything else to say? I’ll open up my ask box JUST for you. I’m tired of these fucking games. So go ahead. Go for it. I’ll be waiting.

[fortheloveofwonderland]

Positively Yours | S.R

Not my gif

90 Days Chapter 2 coming soon.

Summary - finding out you were pregnant after your breakup wasn’t an ideal scenario.

A/N - for the build a blurbs (which I’m still taking prompts for) this was based on 3 separate Anon’s all with similar ideas (exes with feelings, arguing, pregnancy reveal, confessed feelings, reluctant allies).

Pairing - Spencer Reid / Fem! Reader

Category - light angst, with happy ending

Content Warnings - mentions of sex but no description, still SFW, arguing, swearing, pregnancy, break ups, angsty Spencer.

Word Count - 3k

Masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You would always remember the last time you and Spencer were intimate before your break up.

That’s not to say it was because it was particularly earth shattering or anything like that.

It was mostly perfunctory. He’d come home after being away on a case for over a week. You were woken by his lips on your neck.

You could see in his eyes it had been a bad one. So you allowed him to use you for stress relief. There were no words shared between you afterwards. He’d simply rolled over and gone to sleep.

It wasn’t new for him not to talk to you. Over the last few months he’d become more and more distant to the point the two of you barely spoke at all.

You knew you were heading for the end, and not a few days later the two you decided to call it quits on your four year relationship.

You moved out of what was once just his apartment. You were sad but you knew it was for the best. Things with Spencer hadn’t been good for a long time.

You didn’t hang onto that memory of your last time because it had been your last time.

There was one simple reason you would never forget that night: the tiny plus sign on the pregnancy test.

You planned to tell Spencer sooner. You tried to tell him. But every time you text him to ask if he would meet you for coffee he was working or too tired from working.

You were sixteen weeks and just starting to show. You could still get away with wearing oversized clothing and not have your bump be noticeable.

You wore a particularly large sweater when you went to Spencer’s apartment that night. You knew he wasn’t on a case because you still spoke to Garcia and she’d informed you that they had the night off.

It was the first time going back to the apartment since you’d moved out and you had to push past how weird it felt being back here.

You slammed on his front door, angry and frustrated at him for not making time to see you. You were angry and frustrated at the situation, of all the times you could have gotten pregnant of course it had to be the last time.

Hell, you were angry and frustrated at everything these days.

When Spencer answered the door he wore his flannel pajama pants and an old t-shirt. His hair was all over the place and had several days of stubble growth on his cheeks.

“What do you want?” He rubbed his eyes with his palms.

“It seemed like the only option when you kept refusing to meet with me.”

“I’ve been busy. You know how my work schedule is.”

“Well, you’re not working now and we need to talk.” You pushed your way past him and inside the apartment.

What struck you first was how little it had changed. Not that you’d expected Spencer to have had the apartment redecorated in the last four months but you’d thought he might do something.

There was a single light from a small lamp on the bureau and the curtains were all closed. There was a mug on the coffee table that had steam rising from it and open books scattered all around.

Spencer hurriedly made his way to the mess and started gathering up the books before stuffing them back on the bookshelf.

“You don’t have to tidy up on my account.” You hovered by the door.

“I’m not.” He scoffed. “Why are you here?”

His shoulders were slumped and he looked as though he had so many things weighing heavily on him.

You almost felt bad for him.

“Why are you being like this?”

“Like what?” He folded his arms across his chest.

“So hostile. We loved each other Spencer! We were together for a really long time. I thought our breakup was amicable, I thought we could still be in the same room together at the very least.”

Spencer moved back across the room closer to you. You couldn’t tell what he was thinking. You never could.

“Not everything is about you, Y/N. I have every right to be in a bad mood and it not be because of you.”

“What���s wrong?”

“Nothing!” He sighed loudly. “Why are you here?”

“I wanted to talk to you.”

“So talk.” He clenched his jaw.

“Maybe I should come back at a better time.” You shook your head turning towards the door.

“There won’t be a better time.” He spat. “Just tell me what you came here to say and leave!”

You spun back to face him.

This was certainly not the Spencer Reid you’d fallen in love with. He’d never talked to you like this, looked at you like this.

This wasn’t the man you wanted to be the father of your unborn child.

“You know you’re the reason we broke up, don’t you?” You found yourself saying. “Our break up was entirely your fault.”

“I thought it might be.” He rolled his eyes.

“You shut down! You shut me out! You barely even looked at me, let alone talked to me! I tried Spencer, I tried so fucking hard and I got nothing in return.” You were suddenly shouting.

“Is this why you came here? To yell at me and tell me what a terrible boyfriend I was? Because I’ll tell you, Y/N, I am not in the fucking mood.” He rubbed his temples.

“You’re never in the mood, that's the problem! Every time I tried to talk to you, you were in a bad mood. And I never said you were a terrible boyfriend. You were a wonderful boyfriend. Right up until those last few months.”

“Well it’s a good job we’re broken up then.”

“You are completely fucking impossible. What happened to you Spencer? Where did the man I love go? You used to be so sweet and kind and it’s like you just changed over night.”

“Things change. That’s life, Y/N.” He rubbed his temples again and turned his back on you.

Anger coursed through your veins and you snapped. You came up behind him and grabbed him by the shoulders, forcing him back around.

“Don’t turn your back on me when I’m trying to talk to you!”

“You’re not talking, you’re yelling! And I don’t need to stand here and listen to it. This isn’t your apartment anymore, Y/N, so kindly leave.”

“Not until I say what I came here to say.”

“So just fucking say it! Say it and leave so I can get some damn peace!”

“I’m pregnant you asshole!” You screamed, unable to hold back.

Your words looked as though they’d physically hit Spencer as he suddenly stumbled backwards.

He stared at you wide eyed, his breath caught in his throat.

“Y-you’re…” he croaked.

“Sixteen weeks.” You confirmed before he inevitably asked if he was his or not. “I wanted to tell you sooner but wouldn’t give me a chance.”

He fell back to the couch, still staring blankly at you.

“Pregnant.” He swallowed. “You’re…we’re…we’re having a baby?”

“Yes.” You placed your hands on your stomach, tightening the fabric of your sweater so he could see your small bump as though you needed to prove it to him.

He rubbed his eyes with his fingertips and when he looked back at you, you were sure you saw tears in his eyes.

“Fuck.” He croaked. “This is such fucked up timing.”

What followed was several hours of tears from both of you. And for the first time in a long time, you actually communicated with each other.

You both decided that it wouldn’t be right to try and make things work between you just because you were having a child together. It wouldn’t be fair on anyone.

But you also decided that you would be amicable with each other, you would be friends and you would co-parent your child.

You both fell asleep on Spencer’s couch that night, cried out and talked out.

Maybe this baby was a good thing. Maybe it could bring you closer together again, even if only as friends.

Because the ship had most certainly sailed on you being anything more than that. But now there was a baby involved, you would always be part of each other’s lives.

You were tied together now, for the rest of your lives. But maybe that wouldn’t be a bad thing.

***

Five Years Later

You carried the mugs of coffee through to the living room, manoeuvring around toys, colouring pencils and small shoes littered about the floor.

It had become your norm. The house was never tidy. It was impossible to keep on top of things with a boisterous four year old ruling the roost.

“And this is a pony!” Evie beamed, proudly showing him the last in a string of drawings she’d done this morning alone.

“I love this. Can I keep this one?” He asked her softly.

“Of course you can, daddy!” She giggled, her wild hair bouncing as she did so.

Evie Reid-Y/L/N was the absolute spitting image of her father. She had his thick, messy curls, his deep hazel eyes and his lopsided smile.

If it weren’t for the fact you carried her for nearly ten months, you would wonder if she was even yours.

You set the coffees down on the table and sat next to him on the couch. Evie stood in front of him, her tiny hands on his knees as she bounced up and down.

“Where did you go for your trip this time, daddy?”

You always referred to Spencer’s BAU cases as trips, she was too young to understand what he did and why he was away so often.

“Well little bean, I went to New York this time.” He smiled at him and it warmed your heart seeing them together.

Spencer had called Evie bean since you were pregnant and he’d never stopped. Spencer was the only one allowed to call her it, when you tried you got scalded by the sassy toddler.

“What was it like?” Her eyes were wide and excited the same as they always were when he told her about his trips.

“It was noisy and very busy.” He laughed.

You saw her eyeing his satchel and you both knew why.

Spencer glanced at you with a soft smile before looking back at your daughter.

“What do you think daddy has in his bag, Evie?” He asked her, stroking back her untamed hair from her face.

“Did you bring me anything?” She asked like butter wouldn’t melt.

Spencer laughed and fished around in his satchel.

Every trip he went on, he always brought Evie a cuddly bear from whatever state he was in. She had a ridiculously large collection of themed bears from all over the country.

He pulled out the tawny bear dressed as the Statue of Liberty and placed it in her little hands.

“I love him!” She beamed, cuddling him tight. “What’s his name?”

“Hmmm.” Spencer mused, glancing at you again. “What does mommy think?”

“I think his name is Apple.” You smiled at your daughter.

“Apple!” Evie squealed, hugging the beat tighter. “I’m going to introduce him to his new friends! Thank you daddy!”

She clambered on his lap and kissed his cheek sloppily before jumping back down and fleeing the room.

Once she was gone, Spencer picked up his coffee and sat back on the couch looking at you.

Co-parenting had been hard at first. The two of you hadn’t always seen eye to eye on how to raise your daughter and it led to a lot of falling outs and arguments.

Eventually you’d fallen into a groove and managed to put aside your differences for the sake of your daughter.

You’d become something akin to friends you supposed. Although it was always going to be a little weird.

“So,” Spencer sipped his coffee. “How did she take the news about Liam?”

“Surprisingly well. She’s a kid, she’ll bounce back.”

Liam was the only person you’d dated since you and Spencer split up. You’d been together since Evie was two and she’d grown quite fond of him.

That was probably the only reason the two of you had lasted as long as you had. But ultimately you didn’t love him, not the way you should have. It had been fated for failure from the beginning.

“You were too good for him.” Spencer’s eyes sparkled a little.

“You think I’m too good for everyone.” You rolled your eyes.

“Because you are. Even me.” He placed his free hand on your cheek and it sent a shiver down your spine.

It was so unfair that he could still have that effect on you.

“I have something I need to tell you.” You whispered.

Spencer placed his coffee back on the table.

“I actually have something to tell you too.”

Before you could reply, he shuffled closer to you and kissed you softly.

You sighed into the familiarity of his lips on yours.

The main reason you’d ended things with Liam was because of Spencer.

He’d shown up at your door one night around three months ago when Evie was at a playdate.

You’d shared a few glasses of wine and you’d ended up in bed together.

You’d ended things with Liam the very next day.

Since then the two of you had been growing closer. You hadn’t slept together again but he often kissed you when Evie wasn’t looking, stealing glances and touches whenever he could.

You felt dizzy when the kiss ended, like you always did when he kissed you.

“Y-you go first.” You stuttered.

Spencer smiled softly at you and threaded his fingers in yours.

“These last few months have been amazing.” He stroked your knuckles with his thumb. “But…”

“But.” You swallowed hard, preparing yourself for a blow.

“Not a bad but.” He laughed lightly. “At least I hope it isn’t.”

“What is it?” You chewed your lip, feeling oddly nervous.

“I want more, Y/N. I want to tell Evie. I want us to all live together and be a proper family. I don’t want to sneak around with the mother of my child, with the woman I am still so incredibly in love with.”

A small whimper escaped your lips at his confession. Your mouth dried up instantly and tears sprung to your eyes.

“You s-still…love m-me?” Your lip quivered.

“How can I not?” He used his free hand to cup your face again. “I never stopped being in love with you, Y/N. I want us to be a family more than anything else in the whole world. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

You exhaled a shaky breath and wiped at the few tears that had rolled from your eyes.

“That kind of leads on quite nicely to what I wanted to tell you actually.” You exhaled again.

“What is it?” He stroked your cheek lovingly.

You glanced over your shoulder to make sure Evie wasn’t in earshot before looking back at Spencer.

“Well uh…how do you feel about being a family with two kids?” You placed your hand on your stomach.

Much like all those years ago, Spencer’s eyes widened and he went limp, his hands falling to his lap.

He stared at you, tears swimming in his eyes.

“You’re pregnant?” He croaked.

“Apparently so. I’m not on the pill anymore and we were too drunk to remember to use protection.”

“It’s…it’s definitely not his?”

“Definitely not. We hadn’t had sex in…and we always used…it’s your baby Spencer. We’re having another kid.”

Suddenly Spencer engulfed you in his arms, tears overflowing.

“Oh my gosh!” He sobbed happily into your shoulder. “We’re having another baby!”

You held him while the two of you shed some tears, but this time for different reasons than when you’d told him you were pregnant with Evie.

This time it was different. This baby was the start of something, not the end of something. This baby was a new hope, a second chance to make things right.

And Spencer was going to do everything in his power to make sure he didn’t fuck it up this time.

You, Evie and the new baby were his whole world and he would never do anything to compromise that.

When you pulled back from the hug, Evie stood in front of you, looking at you both in confusion.

“Why are you crying?” She looked concerned.

“It’s happy tears, baby.” You squeezed her cheek.

“Very happy tears.” Spencer took hold of your hand.

Evie frowned at you both.

“Mommy said that only people in love hold hands.” She scratched the back of her head the same way Spencer always did when he was confused.

“We are in love, sweetie.” You squeezed Spencer’s hand. “Do you think it might be nice if daddy lived with us?”

Her eyebrows shot up to her hairline.

“All three of us? Living here?” She started bouncing up and down.

“If you’d like that?” Spencer asked her softly.

“Only it won’t just be the three of us.” You added.

“Are we getting a dog?” She beamed brightly, clapping her little hands together.

“We were thinking more like a little brother or sister.” Spencer chuckled.

Evie frowned and scrunched up her nose before shrugging.

“I guess a dog could be my brother or sister.” And then she ran away again.

You looked at Spencer and he looked at you and the two of you started laughing.

“I guess we’re getting her a dog now too.” Spencer chuckled.

“I certainly wouldn’t want to be the one to tell her otherwise.”

Spencer gripped the back of your neck and pulled you closer to him so he could kiss you again.

“I love you so much, Y/N.” He whispered into your lips.

“I love you too Spencer. Always have. Always will.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Taglist -

All genres & ships -

@muffin-cup @andiebeaword @measure-in-pain @takeyourleap-of-faith @spencers-dria @sexy-dumpster-fire

SR x reader -

@frickin-bats @dreatine @adoringanakin @dr-spencerr-reidd @sleepretreat @spenxerslut @sweetandsunny

@bellaswanismysoulmate @mcumorningstar @dontcallmekittens @kuolonsyoja @radtwinkie @drayshadow @lytrc

@rainsong01 @this-is-doctor-and-its-calm @safespacespence @shemarmooresfedora @pastelbabygirl19

@matthew-gray-gubler-lover @people-whatabunchofbastards @justreadingficsdontmindme @smurphyse

[dracossweetprincess]

relief | d.m

dracoxfem.reader

taglist || masterlist

request: yes/no

preview: draco’s at the office, and in a bad mood. his employees nightmare. y/n has a plan to help.

warnings: SMUT!, established relationship (married), mommy kink, praise kink, oral (male receiving), blowjob, handjob

draco was beyond angry right now. it seemed as if every single one of his employees was being, as he liked to say ‘so bloody stupid’. he was staring into the wall, trying to control his anger as much as possible, avoiding doing things he’d probably regret later.

suddenly the sound of heels clicking on the marble floor of the malfoy company sounded, and a sweet voice was heard. draco sighed in relief. his wife was here. his angel, who could lighten up all of his bad moods, no exceptions.

“baby? can i come in?” your voice sounded. draco got up from his chair, excited to greet his wife. “hi my love, i missed you.” he smiled lightly, pulling you into a kiss. you frowned, sensing how his shoulders were tense, how irritated and annoyed he looked.

“what’s wrong m’love?” you cupped his face, draco melting and nuzzling into your palm. “everyone’s just being an asshole today.” you smirked, leaving draco confused, but the truth was you knew exactly what would cheer him up. “why don’t you sit down and let me take care of you? hm?” you suggested, pressing kisses along the nape of his neck.

“mm, m’kay.” draco lied back on the chair, his arms behind his head as he watched you climb onto his lap, immediately starting to grind on his crotch. “fuck, darling-“ his hands fell to your waist, grinding his hips up against you, looking for more friction.

“nuh-uh. just lean back baby, let me take care of you. you need to relieve some stress.” you unbuckled his belt, opening the zipper of his trousers just enough so you’d be able to pull his semi-hard cock out. draco’s breath hitched, and he felt like he was in heaven when you tightened your fist around his length, pumping up and down.

“ugh, fuckkk! darling i want em.” you knew exactly what he was talking about, but you needed to tease your husband a little more. “what do you want pretty boy?” his eyes looked towards your boobs, trying to give you the hint without having to say it. “what is it baby?” you ran your hands through his locks.

“want your boobs, mommy.” you grinned sweetly at him, throwing your shirt over your arms and unclasping your braw, letting your boobs spring free for draco to play with. his mouth attached to your nipple, making you let out a little moan as you continued your ministrations on his cock.

you toyed with his balls, swiping your thumb on the pink head, and leaned down to take him fully in your mouth. “fuck, fuck, fuckk!” you bob your head up and down, still not being able to fit him whole in your mouth as you touch the veins on his cock with your fingers.

“mommy, ngh play with m’balls please!” you obliged, doing everything you could to relief all the bottled up stress inside your husband. draco had pent up with so much work recently, that you haven’t been intimate for almost a month.

“god, i missed this.” he pulled your hair into a pony tail, looking down and enjoying the view of your doe eyes and your mouth busy. “i missed this so much darling, feels so fucking good, so good on m’cock.” he sighed. “gonna make me cum.” you pulled him out of your mouth, now just kitten licking the tip and stroking the base, knowing it drove draco absolutely insane.

“baby, i’m gonna cum so hard. m’gonna-” ropes after ropes of cum filled your mouth, a few drops spraying over his belly button as draco steadied his breathing. “i’ve never cum that hard in my life.” he chuckled, kissing your head and you leaned down to clean him up.

you got out of his lap, letting him stand up and pull his softening cock into his boxers. you giggle as you watch your husband zip up his trousers, a grin on his face. “thank you m’love, i really needed that.” he stroked your hair and kissed your cheek, sweetly pulling you into a hug.

“i’ll make it up to you when you get home.” he whispered, kissing your earlobe and leading you to the door of the office.

let’s just say you got a call from one of his employees asking how you put mr. grumpy in such a good mood-

a/n: i hate this but here goes nothing, if you enjoyed it please reblog !! it helps so much, ty and ily <33

taglist: @l0vely-lupin @ilovejamespotter @harmqnia @angel4you @kpostedsum @gwlvr @fairydxll @ameliasbitvh @eunoniaa @dlmmdl @ruby-serpent @simp-for-cedric-diggory @ildm4ev @wintermorninghaze @wrongilbert @i-love-scott-mccall @haroldpotterson

[landinoandco]

Could I ask for a Max Verstappen request?

Where you get all excited to tell him you’re pregnant and it doesn’t go well. Could you make it super angsty

Of course you can :) here you go, I hope you enjoy! 

Max Verstappen x reader 

Warnings: angst but with fluff at the end

Word count: 2.2 k 

Requests are open...

Baby, the future is ours

At last the summer break had rolled around again, to the relief of the Formula one drivers and crew, they had 3 long weeks ahead of them to fill with whatever they deemed stress-free or relaxing. The subject of activity depending on person to person - most sane folk tended to stick to a holiday to Greece or if you were an adrenaline junkie like Daniel Ricciardo jumping out of planes or BMX biking. You had lost count of the times Max - your boyfriend - had rushed in to tell you about all of the exciting things his best friend had gotten up to as of late. 

You and Max had decided to take a break and travel to a cosy, quiet part of Italy - to escape the press, the stress and most importantly the eagle eye of social media. It would just be you and him for a few weeks before reality brought you back to Milton Keynes in the shape of Christian Horner and his motley crew. 

You and Max had met in 2018 at a gala event Redbull had hosted, Pierre Gasly - being a close friend of yours - had introduced you two and to say the pair of you hit it off instantly was an understatement, whether it was a mixture of the Dutch meets British humour you had no clue but you weren’t one to complain. A few months later and Max had asked you to travel around the world with him - you did so willingly and life had been nearing perfect ever since. Of course you had your ups and downs, where the universe seemed to really test not only your love for one and other but your patience. A few arguments had shown you that both being hot-headed never ended well. 

You were sat out on the balcony, a book in hand and looking out into the Italien countryside. Max had left for a run and to explore the local village, leaving you, your thoughts and your growing baby. You were pregnant - you had taken the test just before flying out, this meant that Max wasn’t aware. You hadn’t told him yet and you had no clue how you were going to. As it turns out telling your partner you were pregnant was easier said than done - ironically. 

You and Max hadn’t had the baby talk yet - you had but only along the lines of: “one day, when we’re older and married and driving isn’t the main priority anymore.” Those were Max’s words. He wanted to be there for his child, to watch him or her grow, to see every milestone but most importantly to be a good and nurturing father. 

There was part of you that was slightly worried because you just didn’t know how Max would take it - you couldn’t keep it in any longer though. You had to tell him. There was another part of you that was excited - from a very young age you knew you wanted to have a family of your own with the person you loved the most. Call it childish naivety. At this point in time, you were ready to become a mother - well as ready as anyone ever could be. 

Placing your book onto the table, you made your way into the kitchen, grabbed a glass and filled it. Sighing loudly as you leant onto the countertop. 

“That was a loud sigh.” A voice called out from behind you. You recognised it instantly. Whipping your head around, you saw Max standing there, wiping the sweat from his forehead. 

Chuckling, you hit back, “Thank you, Captain Obvious.”

Rolling his eyes, he made his way over to you and wrapped his arms around your middle, placing a sweet, chaste kiss onto the side of your head. Leaning into his warm embrace, you let out another long but content sigh. 

“Seriously, what is it with you and sighing today.” Max uttered, his lips still against the side of your head. 

You went to move forward, out of his welcoming embrace. You knew what you had to do. 

“There’s something I need to tell you.” Instantly the atmosphere changed, you could feel Max stiffen behind you. Maybe the tone you chose to make that comment in was too serious but it was now or never. 

“Haha, which of your friends is pregnant this time.” He quipped jokingly, trying to break the tension. 

Instantly you knew the way the conversation was going to end, a pang of hurt felt in your stomach. You squeezed your eyes shut, catching your lip with your teeth. He stood there with an air of innocence and unknown, concern dancing in his eyes - he went to reach his arm out to you, to offer that encouragement. 

You braved the words that came out of your lips, “Me.” You almost whispered. Time seemed to slow. Max dropped his arm and instantly took a step back. 

“Pardon.” Was the only thing he could force out of his mouth, his throat seemed to close up and his hands went clammy. He definitely heard you the first time but he wanted to make sure it wasn’t a night terror. A bad dream he had failed to wake from. 

“I am, Max,” You said again, your voice wavering. 

“Oh.” He stated, his face drained of colour, his mouth set in a straight line. 

“Is that all you have to say.” You swallowed thickly, your eyes swam with tears. You had a hunch this was how it was going to end but it didn’t stop is from hurting the way it did. You had hoped he would have proved you wrong, to have wrapped his arms around you and to have spun you around. To have laughed. To have cried. To have shown a little more excitement to the fact you were now carrying his child. His first child. 

You moved past him and sat down on one of the wooden chairs, rubbing your hands over your face. He was still stood there. His eyes fixated on the view out of the window. No emotion read in his eyes. It was almost like you had hit the ‘off’ button. He tapped his foot and made a clicking noise with his mouth before turning around to face you - meeting your gaze. 

“How long have you known.” His voice was hoarse.

“A couple of days before we flew out.” You answered him, moving your face back to rest in your hands. 

There was a pause. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner.”

You took a breath, looking him dead in the eye. “Because I knew this was how you were going to react.” You didn’t trust your voice at all, you also didn’t know whether you wanted to scream at him or cry in the corner. 

“Right.” Was all he said. Still stood there like some awkward teenager after a rather large telling off from their mother. 

“Is that all you have to say to me?” You asked him, nostrils flaring. You were allowed to be angry, right? 

“What do you expect me to say.” He rounded on you, his voice raising more than was necessary. Tears had spilled down your cheeks, you didn’t have the energy to fight back. As soon as he realised the effect this was having on you, he went to move forward again, his eyes softening instantly. “I’m sorry - I - I shouldn’t have raised my-”

“Get out, Max.” You stated lowly. By this point, you had stood up, shuddering away from his desperate grasp. He knew he had made a mistake. You knew he regretted it, the moment the words had left his mouth. 

“Get out?” He repeated quietly, his voice cracking, you could see tears glazing his vision. 

“Just - please, go on a walk - come back once you have more to say to me.” You spat.

“But - But I already have more to say-” You cut his rambling off once again. 

“Please. Max.” You insisted, your voice betraying you again. “Go.” You whispered. 

Max stormed out of the door, ensuring to slam it so hard the chandelier on the ceiling swung precariously. You sank back into your chair and let out a loud sob, unable to hold it in any longer. 

Max was mad. Not at you, that would be unfair. He was mad at himself. At the world. At everything actually because at this point why the hell not. You were pregnant - don’t get him wrong, he was over the moon. He was going to be a dad. 

It was too soon. 

He still had his full F1 career ahead of him. A promising and long F1 career as a matter of fact. He wanted a baby to be his main priority and he wanted to share those one in a lifetime moments with you. He knew there was no point in being mad, it wasn’t like they were in a position where they couldn’t have a child. They had plenty of things to offer, a nurturing home with parents who were head over heels in love with each other and a large family - blood and not - who would be willing to support and love the child as if it was their own. Max really was in love with you. He knew it would be you to mother his children in the end, he just didn’t think it would be now. 

He reached for his phone, went into his contacts and pressed on the number that read the name: “D.R new phone.” Whilst it wasn’t adventurous like many thought it would be, it saved the confusion from calling a number that no longer existed. 

Daniel picked up on the second ring. “Hey dude, how’s it going?” 

“Not good at all, Dan, not good at all.” Max admitted, his voice wavering once again. He explained the events that had happened a mere 5 minutes ago, the way he reacted and the way he left you. Hurt and alone.

“I’m not going to lie to you, mate, you’ve fucked up big time.” Dan spoke after what felt like a loud silence. After all, Daniel knew you just as well as he knew Max. 

“I know. I know I have, do you think I’ve been selfish?” He asked, his tone full of raw emotion. 

“Yes.” Dan stated simply, “I think you have been, especially since she even told you this is how she thought you would react. How much stress do you think she had been putting on herself? Come one, I’ve taught you to be better than this.” Daniel paused, Max could almost hear him place his thumb and ring finger onto the bridge of his nose. “You know, just as well as I know, she knows it isn’t the best time. Her becoming pregnant is very much a two person job, I think it’s time that you go back to her and have a conversation like the adult I know you are.” 

In that moment, Max was so grateful to have someone like Dan just a call away. “Thank you, Dan. Really. I don’t know what I would do without you.” 

“Alright Mr Father-to-be, don’t be going all soppy on me now.” Daniel joked, returning back to his normal teasing. That was the best thing about Daniel, he was quite useful when you needed him to be. 

“You can count yourself on being the godfather after that.” Max added, a large beaming smile plastered onto his face. 

He heard Dan let out a loud laugh, “Go on, leave me be. Good luck, mate, let me know how it goes and when the time is right tell her I say congrats.” 

“Of course, mate. Thank you, again.” Max muttered, looking back in the direction of the villa. After he hung up, he stuffed his hands into his pockets and ambled slowly - working out exactly what he was going to say to you. 

Once he had opened the door, he called out to you. “Babe?” He heard a sniffle in response. You were still slumped on the chair in the kitchen, shooting daggers at the cupboard opposite. 

Max sat opposite you, reaching out for your hand. Grudgingly you let him take it, you blinked and he took a deep breath before a large, beaming smile crept onto his face.

“We’re going to be parents.” He rubbed the back of your hand, speaking tentatively. You nodded, your lower lip trembled. Max stood up, still keeping a hold of your hand as he gave it a slight tug, indicating that you should stand up. You made your way into his embrace, his arms wrapping securely around you, tucking your face into the crook of your neck as he rocked gently side to side, burying his face into your hair. He then moved his hands to cradle your face, wiping the stray tears away before peppering your face with feather light kisses. 

“We’re going to be parents.” He repeated, a little louder and to this you let out another sob, laughing as he picked you up and spun you around. 

“I’m sorry. I was being selfish.” He said, as he wrapped you back up into his arms. You smiled into his chest. In that moment, you couldn’t be happier. It was like all of your childhood dreams had come true. In that kitchen stood your new family, mismatched and sometimes a little bit broken but you wouldn’t have it any other way.

[darkmulti]

I see your request is open for hc yay!

Can i request A!JKxO!Reader where jK has a huge dick and reader is a virgin and also his mate. So JK marries her and forcefully deflowered her and forcing orgasms out of her (bleeding/blood play while deflowering her is up to you). She found out JK’s obsessions of forcing orgasms out of hers until she passed out every night. JK also has a breeding and breastfeeding kink so he wanna knock her up just so he can breastfeed on her. He locked her up, all the time he spends with her is used to breed her while forcing as many orgasms out of her. Ok thats too long of an ask, sorry.. 🥺 thanks! 💜

-> I LOVE THIS IDEA SO MUCH SHAUSHSHS

⚠️: NON CON, mention of blood, breeding kink, breast feeding kink, multiple orgasm, dacryphilia kink, angst, death, murder, slapping, somnophilia kink, rough sex

Pairing: Alpha!Jungkook x Omega!Virgin!reader

-> sorry for any mistakes

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Your breed and Jungkook’s breed are not on good terms

The reason why is because your breed have better senses and are a lot stronger

Jungkook’s breed is the second strongest and let me tell you, they don’t like second place

Since they outdo your breed in numbers, they travel around in large packs and kill wolves your kind

If they eliminate all of you, they’ll be on top

Your parents raised you to stay away from them

They’re just trying to keep you safe because you’re their only child

They allowed you to explore the forest, but you couldn’t go too far

They still needed to be able to smell you out

You’re parents also told you howl if you felt like you were in danger

And you can only explore during the day time

Once it’s night, you must stay close to your parents so they can protect you

One day, you were sitting close to edge of a cliff

This was your favourite spot because it gave the perfect view of the sun setting

10 minutes later, you decided to go back to your pack only to be horrified by the scene

Your pack… everyone was dead

Blood everywhere

Bite marks all over their body

You walked into the crime scene more and saw your parents dead on the ground, next to each other

You immediately burst out into tears, not believing what you’re seeing

“Mom! Mom, please! Wake up!” You nudged her but it was too late

You sat down in between your parents and grieved the whole night

Why couldn’t they kill you too?

You were about to close your eyes but, caught an unfamiliar scent

Your natural instincts kicked in and you got up

You started looking around but that’s when something attacked you from behind

You fall to the ground and knock out after they give you one hard blow to the head

The next morning, you woke up in a bed

You frantically looked around, trying to put the pieces together, but that’s when he popped out of no where

His scent didn’t fail to reach you and once you inhaled it, you remembered all the traumatizing events of last night

Your heart rate increased and you immediately started to panic

“Where’s my mom?! Where am I?! Take me home!”

You started to freak out

“My mom told me to stay away from monsters like you! Leave me alone!”

You let out a piercing howl and made a run for it

However, Jungkook was faster and much, much stronger

He got a hold of your wrist and dragged you back to the room

He quickly pulled out his phone and shoved it in your face

You were squirming around at first but once you heard a familiar cry, you stopped

Jungkook was showing you live footage of wolves your breed, tied up god knows where and howling for help

Your heart crumbled into a million pieces

“W-why are you doing this to us?” You choked on your sobs while watching your breed beg for mercy

“Marry me, and I’ll let them go.”

You looked at him, appalled

“Marry? I won’t marry you. After you killed my family, you want to get married?!”

You pushed him away from you and slapped him

Jungkook poked his cheek with his tongue and quickly dialed a number

“Kill them all.”

You look up wide eyed and shouted “No!”

“You don’t wanna marry me so, now I have to kill them.”

“Wait! No! I’ll marry you! Please set them free!”

Jungkook smirked in victory and told his buddies to stop

“Wedding is tomorrow. Everything is planned, all you have to do is get all dolled up for me and say “I do.”

He left your room as you sat down on the edge of the bed, wiping your tears away

The next day was the worst day of your life

They woke you up early so, they could start getting you ready for the wedding

Once you said “I do” at the alter and signed the paper, Jungkook lips turned into a evil grin

After sealing your marriage with your first kiss, Jungkook drove you both back to your new house

Once you got inside you turned around and faced him

“I did what you asked. I got married to you and now, I’m your mate. You got what you wanted. Now show me live footage that you’re letting the wolves go.”

“You’re so cute, y’know? You really fell for it. The footage wasn’t live. Those wolves have been dead for a while. I could show you the footage of me killing them, if you’d like.”

Your heart dropped into your stomach

“What do you mean? It wasn’t real?!”

“You’re so naive, little one.”

You look at him, dumbfounded

“Why did you kill all of them? Why did you kill my pack? I just don’t understand. Why did you kill all of them just to marry me in the end?”

“Lower your voice, I don’t like being talked to in that way.”

“Go fuck yourself!” You yelled and turned around to leave

He pulled you back and carried you downstairs to the basement while you kept thrashing and yelling

“Let me go, you sick bastard! I don’t want to be near you. Your scent is disgusting!”

You made the worst mistake of your life that night

That was the first time you made him angry

He tried controlling himself but, after you insulted his scent, he wasn’t going to go easy on you

One hard slap after another shut you up pretty quickly

Now, you were terrified of him

Your cheeks were warm and stinging as hot tears glided down

All you could think was “why?”

Why was this happening to you?

Why was only your breed being targeted?

Why did he kill all those wolves?

It mentally tore you apart

You couldn’t wrap your head around anything going on

Before you could fight back, Jungkook got on top of you and pulled your dress down

“W-what’re you doing?!” You quickly grab your dress and struggled to keep it up

“No! No, please! I’m not ready! Please, I’m not ready! I hate you!”

You began to panic, so naturally you howled

“Please! I want my first to be someone I love! Please, don’t do this to me! I’ve never done anything bad in my life! You can kill me if you’d like!”

Crying and fighting wasn’t enough to stop Jungkook

He pushed his whole length in and started fucking you hard without letting you adjust

You frantically cover your breast and private part with your hands but he flipped you around and took you from behind

You felt disgusting and worthless

Your blood was streaming down your thigh and it covered his cock

Jungkook grabbed your ripped wedding dress and wiped up all the blood so, you’ll never forget this day

He threw it in front of you to make you feel even more bad about yourself

You looked away from the dress and focused on your breathing

The speed he was going at was unbearable therefore, it was quite hard to catch your breath

You started to cry for help, calling for anyone who was brave enough to save you

Jungkook’s size wasn’t easy to adjust to

It felt like you were being ripped apart

Especially because it was your first time

“P-please! S-slower! I can’t-”

Your voice cracked in between your sobs

You felt his cock grow inside of you and his tip began rubbing against your cervix

The pain was too much to handle so, you started to cry harder

“No! Too much! I can’t take it!” You wailed, trying to move away from him

He pulled you right back and went as deep as he possibly could

You came around him and thought it was over

Little did you know, it was just the beginning

Hours later, you were under him sobbing hysterically

You were filled with his cum to the point where it was leaking out of you

There was literally a puddle of cum in between your legs

You had bruises all over your arms and body because of his tight grip

And his strong scent made your head spin

You were a helpless, mess

Hickeys covered your neck, collarbone and jawline

Your lips were swollen from all the rough kisses

Your clit was burning from overstimulation

Your cheek was red and bruised

But, Jungkook didn’t plan on stopping

You felt like you were going to pass out when suddenly ripples of forced pleasure pushed through your body

You held your breath and tried fighting off the feeling but it was impossible

You started to cry more, not being able to handle the fierce orgasm

You sobbed uncontrollably, not know what was happening to your body

Before you could open your eyes again, you passed out

Jungkook hovered over you again and fucked you 10x harder after watching you spasm around him

He didn’t care that you were unconscious

You looked so hot in that moment, he couldn’t resist

This continued on for the rest of the year until he purposely impregnated you

If his offspring had a mix of his genes and a mix of your genes, it’d definitely be one of the strongest wolves to ever live

You were crying so hard, telling him to stop because you weren’t on anything

After you found out you were pregnant, he blamed it on you

“You have one fucking job and it was to take your pill.”

“I ran out of pills and I told you that night! I told you to stop. Jungkook, I tried my best to warn you but you didn’t listen-”

He pushed you back on the bed and forced another orgasm out of you, not caring about your pregnancy

You couldn’t fight him off so, you stayed still and hoped for the best

You didn’t want to stress out because it would be bad for your baby

Although you were pregnant, Jungkook demanded sex

Even when you were 8 months pregnant, he still fucked you as hard as he could

You were in so much pain but handled it for your child

The next month, you gave birth

You were obviously new to the mom life and it was quite difficult to adjust

Usually, women have to wait 4-6 weeks before engaging in sexual intercourse

The doctor explained it to both you and Jungkook, so it’s not like he doesn’t know

After you breast feed your newborn son, you tuck him into bed and go to your shared bedroom

You were still in a lot of pain and really wanted some rest

Jungkook was out hunting and when he came home, he was a bit intoxicated

You smelt the alcohol the moment he stepped in the house

He stumbled his way upstairs and slammed the door shut, scaring your newborn

Your son started to cry so you quickly got up to put him back to sleep but Jungkook didn’t allow you

“See what you’ve done? You wouldn’t have to deal with this shit if you had just taken your pill.”

You ignored him and went to your son’s room to put him back to sleep

Jungkook followed you to his room and pulled you out before you could pick up your son

“Did you listen to what I said? I’m fed up with this attitude of yours.”

“Let’s not fight in front of him. We’ll talk in the room.”

You escaped his grip and put your son back to sleep

When you enter your room, you see Jungkook sitting on the edge of the bed with his belt in hand 

Your heart dropped to your stomach

“N-not today. It hasn’t even been 24 hours yet.”

He scoffed, “do you really think I give a shit?”

He raised his voice a little and you gestured him to keep it down

“Don’t yell, he’s sleeping.”

“This is my house, I can talk however I’d like.”

There was no winning against him, especially if he’s intoxicated

You thought you could hold him off for the night until he’s sober again, but you were completely wrong

You were going to your side of the bed when he whipped his belt below your butt

He pulled you by the hair onto the bed and pulled down your night shorts

“I can’t, Jungkook! It hasn’t been 4 weeks! No!”

Jungkook always gets what he wants

His body weight kept you down as his cock plunged deep inside your cunt

You haven’t healed properly, so the pain was intolerable

You covered your mouth with your hand and sobbed

You still needed to be quiet but it hurts so bad

You pushed your face into your pillow and attempted to let out quiet whimpers

“It hurts! Please, slower!” You whispered

Jungkook purposely went faster and the skin slapping was so loud, you were afraid it’d wake up the baby

You were gasping for air, trying to get his body weight off of you so you could breathe normally

An hour after, you had another orgasm

You clutched onto the bedsheets and tried your hardest to remain silent

Jungkook came inside you again and collapsed on top of you, making you groan

He grabbed your right breast and began sucking as hard as he could until milk squirted onto his tongue

You tried squirming around to get him off, but the more resistant you are the more aggressive he gets

In the end, you passed out like always

You kept your distance from him and gave all your attention to your son

He hated that your attention wasn’t on him 24/7

So, he gave your son to his parents for a full month and kept you locked up in the basement

For that whole month, he fucke you senselessly

You were having orgasms every night; you couldn’t do it anymore

He’d bite down on your nipples and manhandle you all sorts of ways

You were exhausted but your son’s life was always on the line

Jungkook could easily hurt him

He doesn’t really care about your son

(I mean, he does but he acts like he doesn’t so he can use it against you.)

Jungkook only looks at your son as your weakness

He’ll make you have three orgasms in a row and if you tell him to stop or slow down, he mentions your son and it immediately shuts you up

He loved having so much power over you

He could literally fuck you for the rest of your life

You didn’t understand why this was happening to you, but there was nothing that you could do about it

There’s no one that could help you and even if there was, Jungkook will always one step ahead

No one dares to mess with him

I know this has lots of mistakes. I’m so sorry😭

[tnystrk-exe]

Estocolmo 3

Hannibal x Reader

Masterpost

First Chapter

Warnings: 18+ thigh riding, in a public setting, degration, cockwarming

Word count: 6k

Chapter Three

Maybe you hadn’t thought through about going to Hannibal’s dinner party. In the moment you had just missed the sound of his voice. His touch… Okay, you were motivated by other things than how much fun you would have at this little dinner party of his.

However you had to pull a lot of strings and work extra shifts, just so your bosses would even consider letting you off for a couple days. You were a valuable worker, one that would damage them to lose, but pettiness didn’t know any bounds. The stress was adding up. Still you trudged through it all. Not one to ever want to end up on Hannibal’s bad side.

You didn’t like making the perfect, polite ones angry. Loud anger you could handle. You were used to it. Quiet anger was just upsetting. He’d be upset you let him down, but he wouldn’t say it right. A soft sigh followed by a half meant it’s okay would probably be the most he’d give you. Disappointing him was a no go.

“I can’t wait for you to leave.”

“You’re so good at making me feel loved.”

“You know I do!” She laid back in your bed, arm’s comfortably behind her head, “But since you planned yourself a date. I did too.”

You grabbed clothes and threw them into a small duffel bag. “The chick from work?”

“God I wish. Can't work up the courage.”

“Don’t tell me you called up Reggie,” you laughed.

“Don’t tell me you got called up by Hannibal,” she mocked your voice. “Look! We’re a team! You can get dicked by someone that doesn’t deserve you. And I’ll romance a very pretty woman the entire weekend.”

“When is she getting here?”

“I’m shooting the text the second you’re out that door.”

You sighed, “You replace me so easily.”

“Oh baby,” she cooed, “Remember who’s leaving who.”

“A couple of days. You could be lonely for a few days.”

Alex walked you out. Stressing that you had to text her throughout your drive. It was only a three hour drive, but a lot could happen within that time.

All in all it wasn’t a bad trip. Monotonous without your usual partner in the passenger seat, but not bad. Your nerves bit at you. Hannibal’s social presence really was everything to him. Your head ran though countless ways you could mess up the night. Ultimately you wouldn’t, you knew that, but your brain sure did like to torture you with the idea.

“Everything will be fine,” you told yourself as you parked alongside the manor. Staying in the car for a moment you built yourself up. It was Hannibal. He knew about your home life. How you took your coffee. The things you’ve allowed him to do to you. Probably some understanding of things that he hadn’t done to you yet. A knock on your window pulled you out of your thoughts.

Opening the door you got out of the car.

“You weren’t thinking of running away, I hope,” Hannibal greeted.

“I wasn’t. Nerves,” you admitted. “It’s usually just the two of us, y’know…”

“Darling,” he scoffed, adjusting a piece of your hair, “I have no doubt in my mind that my companions wouldn’t adore you as much as I do.”

You moved to grab your bag, only for Hannibal to immediately take it from you. “You say that now, but that’s only because you’ve become accustomed to that certain charm I have at three in the morning after a night of studying. I’m not sure I can be as adorable to all of your friends.”

“Anyone that thinks otherwise has no place in my home.” Hannibal grabbed your hand in his own, leading you to the manor.

Once the front door closed, he wasted no time pulling you close. The kiss was long and rough. Both attempting to make up for lost time in the limited minutes you had. A soft moan from you made him press you against the door, the bag that had been in his hand long forgotten. His hand pressed lightly against your throat as he pushed a knee in between yours.

It was a long while before he pulled away. He rested his forehead against yours. “I’ve missed my favorite plaything,” He spoke into the shared air, “You’ve been away so long.”

“Your favorite?” You asked, looking at him dazed.

He smiled, mischief in his eyes. “I’d wager they couldn’t kiss you so well you’d look at them like they hung the stars after.”

“I do not!”

“Of course you don’t, darling.” He picked up your bag. “Come, we should start getting dressed.” You followed Hannibal up the stairs to his room. Apparently yours too, at least for the next couple of nights, since he emptied the contents of your bag into an empty dresser drawer. “You’re more than welcome to explore if you do get uncomfortable. I know meeting a sea of people can feel overwhelming.”

“I’m just afraid I’ll be out of place.”

“You’re exactly where I want you to be,” he disappeared into the walk-in closet, “The other’s are decent enough people. However, it makes sense that such divine beauty doesn’t fit in amongst commoners. I’d never dream of you finding yourself their equal.”

You walked over to examine the drawings he had hung on the wall next to his bed. “I’m not sure I’m worthy of such high thought.”

He came back, placing the suit and dress onto the bed. Standing behind you, he wrapped his arms around you, resting his head on your shoulder. “I really do mean it, beloved. You’re strong and intelligent. As much as I’d like to, you won’t allow me to pull strings and help you. That’s more than most of the crowd coming over tonight. They haven’t faced hardships like yourself and I. Don’t allow yourself to be treated less than and, please, tell me if anyone makes you feel that way.”

You turned your head, kissing his cheek. “I’m not sure I believe it, but I’m grateful for the thought.”

“I simply must make it my mission to prove it.” He inhaled deeply, “You’ve changed your perfume?”

“I liked the one you bought,” you said simply, getting out of his arms, you looked at the dress he had gotten you. The piece of fabric was easily the most expensive thing you owned now. It didn’t match his suit, but the two certainly complimented each other. “You really didn’t have to.”

“I want to,” he went to open another dresser drawer, pulling out a small box, “Consider it all a graduation present. You worked hard and deserve a reward for it. We didn’t get a chance to see one another before you left.”

“You’ve had these since then?” You asked.

“Of course. How could I resist an opportunity to find you a gift? And with Alex so graciously allowing me to buy you a dress, I figured tonight would be a wonderful time to give you your gift.” He opened the jewelry box.

“Hannibal,” you gasped quietly, the jewelry glimmered brightly, “It’s beautiful.” Usually you weren’t one for objects, but this was also the most thoughtful thing you’ve ever received. Hannibal had taken the small bits he knew of you and picked out the perfect pieces of jewelry for you. It was the feeling of being known so well that made it special.

“The second I saw this set I couldn’t help but think of my darling girl. Would you like me to put the necklace on you now?”

You quickly shook your head, “After I get dressed, please. I wouldn’t want to risk dirtying it while I’m getting ready.”

“In that case, I’ll show you where you can get ready.”

You grabbed the things you needed to make yourself look presentable and followed Hannibal to the bathroom. To your surprise he started to undress after he hung up his suit and your dress. You shrugged it off and set your stuff on the counter, you were more than comfortable with him and you and Alex had taken to doing similar in your cramped bathroom early mornings. The shower turned on while you took out your makeup. His humming filled the otherwise quiet room.

When you were pleased with how your makeup looked, you moved on to fussing with your hair. The shower shut off and your eyes wandered briefly in the mirror. You watched the show as he dried off his chest and followed the towel up as he dried his hair. He caught your eye, brow raised, you shrugged and sent a wink his way.

You got undressed, tossing your clothes in the hamper as you did. Walking over to the dress you felt the fabric between your fingers, studying the intricate pattern that was sown on to it.

“You don’t like it, darling?” Hannibal asked as he buttoned his shirt. “There’s another in the closet, but I was hopeful you’d like this one. You'd look stunning.”

“Admiring,” you stated simply, “Wait there���s another?”

“There’s a show, I’d like to see tomorrow. I figured it could be an outing for us.” He checked himself over before styling his hair. “This is ‘Making it worth my while’ as Alex said.”

“Han, you know better than to listen to Al.” You sighed, “I’m grateful, I honestly am. It’s just embarrassing. I really can’t give you anything in return.”

Hannibal came over to you, holding one of your hands in his. “They’re simple trinkets of my affection. In the end they all mean nothing. YN, you grace me with your presence and time, which is something that can never be repaid in form. I hold you dearly, your time is more than I deserve.”

You stood on the tips of your toes kissing him gently. There was all the time later for a rougher touch. Now you just wanted to feel him pressed close against yourself. A brief flick of thought asked if you really wanted this to just be a fleeting thing between friends. Pulling away, you gave him one final kiss to the side of his mouth.

“You’re allowed to give me one gift a month,” you teased, as you grabbed his tie and set to work on tying it for him. “You’re not my sugar daddy, as much as Alex wishes you were.”

“And you’re welcome to set as many rules as you’d like when it comes to this. However, what’s forcing me to follow them?” His hands grazed along your sides, “We both understand who makes the rules, don’t we little one?”

The part of you that had become accustomed to that particular tone, faltered slightly. “Hannibal, we’re not always in sessions,” you reminded him as you tightened the tie, “You can’t just have your way.”

“Why not?”

You shook your head, annoyed, “Or you can do what you’d like. It’s your wallet after all.”

“I’m sorry,” he apologized immediately, “I don’t want to offend you.”

You let it go, there was no use to fight over this. “It’s okay, you’re only teasing right?”

“May I please see you in the dress?” He asked, lightening the mood.

You turned, returning to the piece of elegant fabric. Carefully you pulled it on. He really was excellent when it came to fashion. The dress hugged the right places and accentuated everything wonderfully. Hannibal stepped behind you once again. Zipping the back for you, his fingers trailing up as he did. Carefully, he moved your hair to the side as he fixed the necklace in place. Dipping his head down, he kissed that spot on your neck he had quickly learned turned you to putty in his hands. You leaned against him, angling your neck to give him better access as a soft moan escaped. His teeth grazed gently against your neck, he seemed to toy with the idea of making a mark before backing away. As much as he’d enjoy to see it blossom, he knew you had many first impressions to make.

You whimpered at the loss of contact. Suddenly realizing just how much you had missed him.

“I know, little one,” he sighed, pressing a kiss on the side of your ear, “but we have a night to get through. After this, I belong to you. We will have all tomorrow for each other.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

-

The dinner party was beautifully done. Of course it was. Hannibal never spared any expense, let alone when he was trying to impress. He had introduced you to a couple people, they were nice enough, but you just couldn’t find a connection with them. You definitely steered clear of Bedelia. That woman was intimidating to a whole other degree. Definitely someone you could actually see Hannibal going after. You wondered why he didn’t.

An hour into the dinner party, you slipped away. He had said you could explore and honestly, without him you weren’t much for conversation. You had already gotten a snide look for saying you worked at a bar on nights, but they didn’t hold much interest for you either. All the conversations you had heard were meaningless droning. People constantly trying to one up another or bragging about something new they acquired or some business deal.

So it was safe to say no one noticed your absence. Well maybe one extremely observant man.

You found yourself in his library, taking residence in a nook next to a window. Hannibal’s sketch book in your lap as you looked over his drawings. Each drawing looked like he must have spent hours on it. You marveled at his talent, watching the range go from almost romantic to grouesome. Some things could be recognized as his take on art pieces, and landscapes, while others seemed to be originals. The originals were darker in nature, but you supposed it made sense. He saw death as something comforting and could be considered beautiful. Of course it would translate into his pieces.

The door opened, revealing the man that occupied your thoughts at the moment. “Is everything alright, darling? No one bothered you, I hope.”

You smiled up at him. “I’m fine. I just wanted a break, I’m getting a little bit of a headache.”

“Oh?” He touched your forehead with the back of his hand, “Are you feeling well?”

“I’ll go back in a moment,” you promised himas you brought his hand down to press a peck onto it, “Go enjoy your party.”

“They can keep themselves entertained for a while.”  He took a seat next to you, pulling you to rest against him. “I could use a moment too.”

You couldn’t stave off the smile that played on your lips to get to have him to yourself. He made you feel comfortable and honestly you were out of your element at this party. Hannibal rested his head against the wall. That left his neck vulnerable and you couldn’t resist placing a kiss on it.

“Why must you insist on acting up when we are alone, darling girl?” He hummed quietly, his hand entertained itself absentmindedly drawing things on your thigh.

“I missed you,” you insisted. “Not just like that. We used to spend a lot of time together.”

“It has been a long time. I’m sorry about that.”

“I had your number too. I’m not completely out of blame.”

“Well, you’ll find a way to make it up to me.” He tugged you closer, “You’re too far.”

You straddled one of his thighs, placing your hand on his shoulders. “I’m sure you have a couple ideas of how.”

“A couple.”

Leaning in you caught him in a kiss. His hand started to trail lower, you caught him by the wrist before he got to his destination, placing his hand back on your hip. With his original plan voided, he bounced his thigh against you, the hands on your hips helping you grind down. You couldn’t help the moan you let out. Letting him continue until you remembered the party happening not so far away.

“Hannibal,” you whined against his lips, “Not right now.”

“But you sound so sweet, darling, don’t mind them.” He continued his earlier assault on your neck, this time not thinking twice before sucking his mark onto it. “You look so beautiful tonight. I know you can give me one before we’re missed, you’re always so good for me. Don’t you want to be good?”

The growing lust clouded your judgement. Hannibal’s soft words and the gentle but perfect rhythm he was working on made it hard to find any reason to argue.

“Yes, daddy,” you sighed softly, “I want to be good for you.”

The door opened again, followed by a dramatic gasp, “Hannibal, having dessert before the rest of us?” The strange man eyed you, “Plan on sharing?”

Hannibal had been quick to tug down the dress that had rode up, keeping you safe from prying eyes. “Unfortunately, I’m not one for sharing. If you don’t mind waiting in the hall. I’ll meet with you in a second.”

“Oh, I’d much prefer to stay. Hello, what’s your name? Is Hannibal keeping you entertained?”

You hid your face against Hannibal’s shoulder, your face burning to the touch.

“Shy thing isn’t she, daddy?”

“I really must insist you leave now,” Hannibal said, the anger evident in his voice.

“Fine, killjoy.” You heard retreating steps and the door closed again.

“Of course out of everyone to find us it was the gossip,” he sighed to himself, dropping a kiss to the top of your head, “I’m sorry about that, love.”

“I told you not now,” you said, pulling away and going back to your seat beside him.

“I know. I’m sorry,” he kissed the back of your hand, “I thought we’d have a couple more minutes before someone looked for us, let alone find us. Let me handle this and then you’ll never see him again.”

You nodded. “Can I go to the room for the night? He made me feel… strange.”

“Darling,” he cupped your cheek, a sad look in his eyes, “this is your home more than anyone else out there. Don’t let him ruin the night for us. I’ll make sure he’s gone and stay by you the rest of the night. Does that sound okay?”

And true to his word he was, he had escorted the man out quickly once he found him. However the Gossip was apparently a fast worker, because a couple people did give you lingering looks. Though they were quick to save face if they so much as thought Hannibal noticed. Whatever they thought didn’t matter. You were two grown, consenting adults that enjoyed each other’s company, be damned what others thought. Throughout the night you kept telling yourself that, hoping to cut the embarrassment short. A couple times you caught yourself, thoughtlessly intertwining your fingers with Hannibal’s when you were less than sturdy. Each time he squeezed your fingers gently, quiet reassurance that he was there for you.

-

You woke up the following morning. Hannibal was still asleep beside you, it must have been early. He looked sweet in the mornings. Relaxed, not as stiff as he usually was, his hair sticking up in places he’d immediately flatten out once he woke as he greeted you with that deeper more accented voice that accompanied the mornings. You pressed a kiss to his chest, before carefully removing the arm that was sprawled across your stomach.

Looking at the clock, you considered the time. There was enough if you worked quickly. Standing up, you grabbed one of your shirts and shorts. After freshening up, you made your way down to the kitchen.

It was different. You hadn’t toured much of the home, let alone know where anything was, but you gathered your bearings fast enough. The things you needed had been placed somewhat similarly to his old home and you set everything onto the counter. Protein scramble, fruit, and pancakes seemed like a good option today. The pancakes, he had taught you to make when you asked where the box mix was and obviously he wouldn’t stand for you not knowing how to make something so simple from scratch.

Your phone played music as you set to work, washing the used dishes along the way so there wasn’t too much of a mess.

As you were plating the food, you heard Hannibal call out your name.

“Kitchen!” You called out.

He was quick to meet you, “Darling, I could have made you breakfast. You should have stayed in bed with me.”

“I couldn’t sleep any more and you looked too sweet to wake,” you poured two cups of coffee and prepared them to both of your liking, “Figured why not play domestic for a while.”

“How did you like it?” He asked, walking over to take the cup from you.

“Eh well you know, the domestic life,” you shrugged, feeding him a cut strawberry, “I like to let my partner sleep in on Saturday’s and make them comfort breakfasts. Sometimes they ruin breakfast in bed by coming down too early, but what can you do?”

He chuckled around the bite of strawberry, “I’m sorry, beloved. I’ll stay put next time.”

“Yes, you will.” You stood on the tips of your toes to press a chaste kiss to his lips. “But I’m not too angry at you. I enjoy your company.”

His fingers toyed with the hem of your shirt. “Aren’t you usually sporting my shirts on these mornings?”

“I didn’t want to ruin one of them.”

“You couldn’t ruin a thing if you tried. I’ve got more than enough for you to steal away when you go back home too.”

“I only took them, because someone made a habit of messing up my shirts.”

“And your reasoning for keeping them, little one?” He grabbed the plates, “Come along, the mornings have been wonderful recently.”

You grabbed the cups. “You should’ve come and picked them up the same way I had. It’s your own fault they aren’t back where they belong.”

The afternoon was spent in each other’s company. Hannibal had insisted he’d wash the remaining dishes and asked you to pick up his sketchbook and pencils from the library since you were going to find yourself something to read. You did as asked, before returning outside. Setting his things on the table, you went to go sit in a sunny spot of grass.

It wasn’t long until Hannibal rejoined you outside and took a seat.

You glanced up curiously after a while, he was sketching away.

“Anything I can do for you, beloved?” He asked, not looking up from his work.

“Just watching.”

He hummed in response.

Some unease settled in your stomach when you remembered why exactly you were over here. What was the harm in voicing it? “Hannibal?” You waited until he looked up at you, “You’re okay that we haven’t slept together yet? I mean… I know that’s why I am here.”

It was true, the lingering looks you had gotten at dinner, paired with the small embarrassment of realizing one of Hannibal’s love bites got to bloom in front of them all threw you off at night. You had tried to let yourself go, let him have control of you for a while, but you couldn’t go past taking off some clothes and letting your hands feel the other. He didn’t mind when you didn’t want to do more. Always the gentleman. Instead he settled you against his chest, an arm keeping you close, quiet conversation and long breathtaking kisses filled the night.

“I’m not one of those little boys you’ve found,” he stated, seeming to be mildly offended, “I enjoy our quiet moments just as much, if not more. Sex is something else we could do together, nothing more. It’s not everything, little one. You’re not here for that purpose. What I enjoy is your company and I’ll take it any way you give it.”

You tilted your head looking at him closely, he mimicked you, narrowing his eyes at you playfully. That made you laugh softly, you decided he was being honest and not covering up his disappointment with sweet words. Patting the grass next to you, “Sit with me.”

“YN…”

“Please?” You asked, sweetening the pot with a pout.

He shook his head but gathered his things, soon joining you. Resting your head on his shoulder you looked at what he was sketching. The scene was you at the present moment. Half faced toward him, book in hand, completely relaxed, and more perfect than you ever dreamed of being.

“That’s an exaggeration, I’m not that beautiful.”

“That’s where we must differ, my love,” he kissed your temple, “Try as I might I’ll never be able to draw you with the dignity you deserve. It’s a poor imitation of the way I perceive you.”

“You’re a ridiculous man,” you said fondly, “Though I suppose I’d like to keep you around a while longer.”

“Suppose” he scoffed, “ You’d be lost without me.”

You stuck your tongue out at him childishly and went back to your book.

-

“Darling, I do adore when you take care of yourself, but we’ll be late if you don’t hurry,” Hannibal said, leaning on the bathroom’s door frame already dressed for the outing.

“It’s not my fault you always manage to get the bath perfect,” you groaned, getting out of the bathtub.

Hannibal walked over, grabbing a towel on his way. “I’ll run you another later.”

You took the towel, drying yourself off. It was nice to see a rare impatient Hannibal. There was more to that calm and collected demeanor he usually had. “You’re cute when you’re excited about something. Where are we going?”

“I got us tickets to the opera.”

“Really!” You lit up at that. When he talked about the shows he had seen before, he’d get so much more animated. It would be nice to experience one with him. “Which one?”

“Die Entführung aus dem Serail,” he answered, taking you in with a smile, “but darling, your excitement may go to waste, I’m afraid.”

“I’ll be quick!”

With you keeping your promise and Hannibal’s quick driving, it didn’t take anytime to make it to the opera house. There was time to spare and Hannibal socialized a bit, introducing you to other regulars. You exchanged pleasantries and let Hannibal control the conversation as you looked around the place. Some people you recognized from last night. One person you saw nod towards you whispering something to his companion.

“I didn’t think he’d be one for cradle robbing,” you caught the man say, as he eyed you up, “Lucky man. Reckon I could steal that little piece away?”

You subtly moved closer to Hannibal, feeling the heat rise to your face.

Hannibal turned his attention to you when the others started talking amongst themselves. “Are you alright?” He asked quietly, tucking away a strand of your hair that fell out of place.

“Yeah. I’m great,” you lied, knowing he’d probably take offense to any minute comment made about whatever kind of relationship the two of you had.

“Are you certain?” The tone of voice saying he knew you were hiding something. He always seemed to read you so easily. In that he knew you’d continue to deny anything. “Would you like to go to our seats now? The show should start in a couple of minutes.”

“Yes, please.”

Hannibal grabbed your hand in his, leading you away from the crowd. To your surprise he took you to a private balcony above the rest of the audience seating. “Since, it’s your first time, I figured privacy would do us well. No distractions,” he paused for a moment, “No one to get into that pretty little head of yours.”

“I just don’t enjoy all the looks and comments,” you sighed, allowing him to pull you down onto the seat with him. “I love spending time with you. It’s just soured by people that don’t mind their own.”

“It’s not ideal, but we mustn’t let them ruin our nights. With this kind of community, people make assumptions and talk. Darling, I really do insist you tell me when someone makes you upset.”

“I know, I know. Guess I should have braced for it more. I’m just not used to these kinds of things. When we’re alone it’s easy to just exist together. Just us.”

“I understand completely. However, I do enjoy that we finally got to leave the house. You look absolutely breathtaking tonight.”

You smiled at that, “Well, you do seem to have an eye for what suits me.”

“That, I do.”

Leaning your head on his shoulder, you breathed the comforting scent of his cologne, “I’m sorry I let them get to me when we're supposed to be enjoying our time together. It’s not fair to you.”

“They get annoying,” he gave your thigh a gentle squeeze, “Of course you’d take offense for us. There isn’t much we can do besides understand that we’re here for the right reasons. Though, it does get under my skin to see you affected so under my care.”

Soon the crowd made their way to the seats and the lights dimmed to near black. When the music started Hannibal whispered translations into your ear. You got caught up in the story between watching the characters go through their woes and Hannibal’s gentle voice guiding you through every detail. It was easy to see what Hannibal saw at these events. They really were thrilling to watch. Still it wasn’t so much the show, but getting to know another side of the man in question.

You looked at the man beside you, a happy smile plastered on your face. “Thank you for bringing me, Hannibal.”

“Anything for you, my love.”

“Your love?” You challenged teasingly.

A couple times he had thrown around the pet name. You didn’t take it for much. He was a sweet, old fashioned man, you had decided to believe. A sweet nothing that neither of you minded. Still you couldn’t deny the slight softness you felt from the moniker.

“You’ve promised yourself as all mine before,” he reminded you, “and I take no issue in claiming what’s mine.”

“That was said when I was drunk on you.”

“Deny all you’d like, sweet girl, you’re still mine.”

Hannibal tilted your head up slightly to kiss you. You couldn’t find it in yourself to care about why the music crescendoed in that moment. Not when he was kissing you with more passion than you had ever felt. He had a way of making it feel like you were the only beings in existence. Hannibal bit at your lip, asking for more, and you gave it to him without a thought. You’d do whatever he wanted at that moment. Still you couldn’t help grabbing his wrist when his hand found it’s way up your dress. He swallowed the helpless moan that slipped past your lips greedily.

You pulled away from him, your hips grinding onto his hand on their own accord. “Hannibal, I-“

He hushed you, “You’re missing a very important part of the show.” His hand didn’t let up from its ministrations as he continued to translate for you.

You went to cover your mouth with your hand, but Hannibal stopped you short, placing it back at your side. A quick mummer of be good was all he offered, not once stopping the pace he had set. You choked back the moan when he pressed against a spot that had been long neglected since the last time you paid him a visit. The music being so loud was your only safe haven, still, you pressed yourself further into Hannibal, hoping to hide yourself further from any wandering eyes that might look away from the show. Embarrassment and lust built with every thrust of Hannibal’s fingers. The former was getting increasingly easier to ignore as Hannibal pulled you closer and closer to your end. Pressing your face against his neck, you bit at the skin there in a cheap attempt at revenge for what he was putting you through.

Hannibal’s fingers stilled. A quiet chuckle met your ear when he heard your whimper of protest, stopping your hips as you attempted to help yourself. “Such an easy thing to toy with, you're nothing more than my own personal whore.” He didn’t miss the throb around his fingers at those words. “You’d let me use you however I’d like wouldn’t you?”

You gave a lazy nod as he brought his fingers up to your mouth. Eager to please him, hoping he’d let you finish, you opened your mouth and sucked his fingers clean. Behind your back, you felt him working himself out of his pants. Taking his hand away he adjusted your dress higher before pulling you on to his lap. With his other hand the head of his cock teased your clit, you forced yourself not to complain, knowing he’d go on longer if you did. When he finally pushed into you, you couldn’t fight off the moan of contentment as he filled you completely. Turning your head, you caught him in a languid kiss, caught up in only him despite the performance going on.

“Please?”

“What do you need?”

“You.” You shifted your hips slightly, “May I please move?”

“I’m sorry, little one,” you caught the slight upward twitch of his lip when you looked at him in disbelief, “I’d rather use you at my leisure.”

You whined in frustration, leaning against him knowing he’d play a cruel game. This time he offered no translations, keeping you entirely focused on the feeling of him buried deep inside of you doing nothing to help relieve your need for him. When you did manage to distract yourself, he circled your clit and gave a few sharp thrust, just enough to bring you back where he wanted you. His hand continued, changing the rhythm every so often so you’d stay aware of your position.

“I’ll be so good,” you begged helplessly.

“And yesterday you had been so against it despite having our privacy in the library,” he reminded you, pushing in and out of you in a too slow pace, but at least he was moving, “What was it that was missing, hm? The audience that could look up and see me using what’s mine?”

You didn’t know what had changed. Not truely. Maybe it was the couple of glasses of wine you had drunk throughout the day. Perhaps it was just finally getting what you had wanted for so long. Honestly, you couldn’t find yourself to be curious enough to find out.

“I wanna cum,” you told him, swallowing the embarrassment.

“I don’t know, darling, you’ve tried to find comfort with others. I really can’t say I approve of the notion. Suppose, I could just use you for your worth and leave you dry.” He groaned into your ear as you clenched around him, he sped up his thrust, “There’s my good girl, you like the sound of that?”

“Hannibal, please,” you whimpered, “I’ve wanted you for so long.”

“Beg for it.”

“I’ll never look for anyone else again. It was so stupid to think anyone else could make me feel as good as you.” Your breath hitched when he struck deeper, “I've been so desperate for you.”

“That’s all so very sweet, but that’s not exactly what I want to hear.”

You whined quietly as you tried to figure out the right combination of words to get you what you wanted. “I’m just yours… No one else’s… You’re the only one, I’m so sorry…”

“See? Was it so hard to apologize for your misconduct?”

You shook your head.

He pinched your thigh. “Words, darling.”

“No, daddy,” you moaned, as his hands guided your hips to move with him, “But I’ll be good for you now.”

“I still don’t think you deserve to cum, you pathetic thing.”

“You’ll let me?”

Hannibal’s hand grabbed your jaw roughly, making you look at him. “Next time I won’t be so generous. Understood?”

You swallowed down the slight twinge of fear that had worked its way into your system. “Yes, sir.”

He pushed your face away. “Work for it yourself.”

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