#now in uni my entire motivation for physics was almost gone

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The best feeling to have is reading about a sub-field in your major and feeling the thrill of curiosity and interest you had when you were a young child wishing to be in the said field, especially now that you're a college student and all your grades and self esteem are in the gutter

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[REVIEW] Her Love in the Force: Ayumu Shinonome - Who I Once Was

I got some pretty good reception on my previous Episode 0 review, so I thought I would share my thoughts on Shinonome’s Who I Once Was as well. It’s not so much a review as much as just my personal thoughts on what this Episode 0 contributes to Ayumu’s past and future, some character analysis on Shinonome, Naru, AyumuxMC, Team Kaga, and why I think it tells us a lot about how I think Ayumu’s Love’s Trial route might play out.

Ayumu’s whole season so far has gone in a pretty different direction from everyone else’s. For example, one of the biggest differences is that his Love’s Battlefield route actually focusses more on his development rather than his MC’s (who frankly… gets little to no development). This is due to another big difference, which is how the role of Tsugaru is used to emphasise the changing dynamic between him and his MC due to their change in hierarchical divide. (I’m also currently working on a piece about how the MC’s dynamic with Team Tsugaru is used as a plot device for the key character and relationship developmental themes and how this differs from route to route, as well as what is consistent.) His Episode 0 does a similar thing.

When I read Soma’s Who I Once Was, it thrilled me because it helped contextualise and provide insight into his character by letting me retrospectively analyse his behaviours and traits in his earlier routes. This was important information since Soma is someone who doesn’t change much before and after joining Public Safety; his MC is the one who has the biggest effect on his changing attitude (and it’s something that he is conflicted about even into his second season). Therefore, his Episode 0 helped develop a more well-rounded picture of the version of him that we actually get to see.  Ayumu’s Who I Once Was does the opposite thing for me. While Ayumu’s Ep 0 does provide a lot more information about his past that we have never heard of (almost everything that happens in Kaga, Goto and Soma’s routes are things that they have already mentioned), what this does is help set up the direction that Ayumu’s future route is heading towards. If Goto’s and Soma’s Episode 0s help us understand where they came from, Ayumu’s tells us where he is going.

Typically, the rest of the PSD instructors join Public Safety to fulfil their vendettas, except Ishigami whose reason for joining Public Safety (apart from maybe his sister’s case) is never explicitly stated afaik because his Episode 0 is literally just about academy life with Kaga lmao. However, Ayumu has no personal tragedy that leads him specifically to Public Safety. He ends up there because of his own mistakes, and the act of joining Public Safety alone helps him to develop a sense of purpose. Contrast this with Goto and Soma, who are still lost in the mist of grief and vengeance even after joining Public Safety, or Kaga, who literally only just got closure on one aspect of his motivation and is still working on the other. For the others, joining Public Safety is a stepping stone to helping them get to where they want to be. For Ayumu, Public Safety finally gives him a sense of purpose and choice, meaning that the Ayumu we see in his MS1 is already markedly different from the version of him we see here in his Episode 0. Later, I will expand on why this is still not entirely him going on his ‘own’ path, but it is still a significant decision nonetheless.  

The path that brings Ayumu to Public Safety is influenced most strongly by two reasons, the former of which is influenced by the latter, and they are: (1) ennui; (2) his love for Sachi.

You may be thinking: how could you leave out Naru, who orchestrates the entire string of events that leads to Ayumu even first getting involved with the police? That’s because the reason that Naru even comes to learn of Ayumu is because of Ayumu’s ennui. So let’s begin with that.

Ayumu’s ennui stems from his privilege and his sense of obligation. We learn that he’s studying at T University (presumably Todai, a.k.a. Tokyo University, one of the country’s most elite institutions) to take over his family’s business (which is in electronics), but that he finds this unsatisfying. Because he thinks that he was adopted just to be the successor to the illustrious Shinonome house, he feels like he has to fulfil his role as heir. However, this is something that he finds personally unfulfilling. The reason for this is partially that he is just a genius who needs more intellectual stimulation. But more significantly, this is because he is struggling with his internal conflict over obligation to his parents (becoming the heir to Kochi Electronics) and his feelings for Sachi (becoming a police officer in the hopes that he will recognise him as her hero). Ayumu is someone who we know to be extremely concerned about his image – not just in the literal, physical sense, but also his whole persona. We know that Ayumu doesn’t even like to show his true self to his own parents; the only person that he’s ever been truly vulnerable around is Goldie. He protects his true feelings well and is quite prone to doing things to keep up an impression that other people have of him. At the same time, he is also someone who is not very communicative, and can often make assumptions about people’s intentions. This is one of the reasons why he is so inherently burdened by what he perceives to be the expectations of others.

Anyway, the different mindsets that he holds regarding these two options are illustrated particularly effectively through the two groups of his university ‘friends’. On the one hand, you have the guys, who are little more than schmoozy jerks who are only interested in one night stands and talking about their sexual conquests. They represent life as a future CEO, where Ayumu would be forced to network with people (and perhaps even become the type of person) who he finds shallow and frankly not worth his time. 

On the other hand, there’s Suo, who represents both a more idealistic and meaningful type of future and a choice that goes along with Ayumu’s goal of being Sachi’s hero, but this path is also something that he clearly is unsure about. Both of these options are ones which are based on what Ayumu thinks that other people want him to do, not because of his personal interest. This is why, quite predictably for a genius but also because he is trapped in a place where he feels he has no real control, Ayumu ends up unfulfilled.

This lack of fulfilment leads him to partake in something that is genuinely a personal interest of his: hobby hacking. We can tell that this is actually fulfilling to him not just because he’s exceptionally talented, does it a lot and says he enjoys it, but also because hacking is the only thing that he is sure about. This is expressed through the directness of his hacking style, which Naru becomes attracted to and praises as “straight to the goal, like a comet”. And this is why I would argue that Naru is less responsible for Ayumu’s ultimate trajectory than Ayumu’s own tedium, because it is the tedium and indecisiveness that Naru takes advantage of the most.

Kinda weird that they didn’t use a close up sprite of Shinonome to match Naru’s one tho. 

If you’ve played Ayumu’s Battlefield route, it’ll come as no surprise to you to know that Naru is manipulative. Honestly, I would go as far as to say I find him to be one of the most terrifying villains throughout HLITF. I won’t go too far into his character, but I want to talk a bit about the relationship between him and Ayumu. For all of his smarts, Ayumu falls into Naru’s trap so easily. This is because Naru recognises and targets certain weaknesses that he picks up, such as Ayumu’s disdain for those around him, which is why he taunts him that he can do better than being friends with those “kids” whose conversation is “way below your level”. 

He’s both stroking Ayumu’s ego and affirming his belief that the uni friends are immature. He does the same thing with the job situation, taunting him not just about Ayumu’s consideration of applying for a civil servant position but also about taking over the family business. Here, he recognises that Ayumu has reservations about both, and seduces him into taking a third option beyond those two: to focus on his hacking and join forces. Naru shows him that his current situation isn’t enough for someone as great as him, recognising Ayumu’s tedium and showing him a dangerous, challenging world.

Ayumu becomes tempted. I think the biggest clue that he has actually fallen into the trap deliberately set by Naru comes at this one point, where we see Ayumu’s internal monologue about how he is spending more and more time with Naru and on the hacking forum. He thinks that he should quit soon, since he was treating it just as a challenge and now knows where his level is. Naru interrupts this line of thought, saying “Too sweet”. He is commenting on the peach nectar, saying that it’s literally too sweet (too much sugar), but the same word 甘い in Japanese is also used to mean naïve, meaning that Naru could be calling Ayumu naïve (for being so easily manipulated). Obviously, Naru probably isn’t responding to Ayumu’s internal monologue since he can’t read minds, but from a reader’s perspective, I think that moment was quite deliberate. Maybe I’m just reading too much into things, but I found it to be both very clever and also quite haunting, especially since the next move that Naru makes is his first attempt to propose the hacking duel which ends up being a trap for Ayumu to allow Naru to steal confidential NPA data.

It’s also clever that Suo interrupts before he can go through with this proposal, since wholesome Suo represents an idealistic path towards justice.

Anyway, even after Naru, who has more or less lured Ayumu almost completely to the dark side, actually successfully proposes that battle, there is one thing stopping him from going through with it, and that leads us on to point number 2.

Let’s talk about Sachi.

She, and his love for her, are the only reason why he’s even considering a future in law enforcement at first. He says as much, that it’s not his dream. 

Those typical Ayumu character traits that I previously discussed in relation to his relationship with his parents make their reappearance. Firstly, the fact that he feels like he needs to keep up a certain image, which is demonstrated when he drinks coffee in front of her and lies about no longer drinking sweet beverages. In this case, he is trying to perform maturity. Secondly, his feeling of obligation: he feels obliged to Sachi to fulfil his promise that he’ll become a police officer in her stead. Thirdly, the fact that this feeling is self-imposed. Sachi never explicitly said “I want you to become a police officer.” He made that promise of his own accord, assuming that’s what she wanted. Ayumu is doing everything that he thinks is expected of him.

(We later find out that she never forgot and he was just assuming that she did)

Even his disillusionment at uni life and his friends to some extent stems from his feelings for Sachi. The main reason he sees those friends as immature is because they talk about nothing but girls and hooking up, even when they are getting top scores in tests. He even actively separates himself from them in this regard: when he thinks about their girl chat, his mind drifts to Sachi and he thinks about how he’s different.

Ayumu is a fool for love. We see the same thing happen over and over again even with his own MC: he’s surprisingly (not that surprising anymore haha) childish and emotional when it comes to his feelings. He is a one-woman man through and through, to the point where he is literally so head over heels that he often allows his feelings towards the subject of his love to dictate his actions. We like to think that Ayumu is so clever and calm and logical – and he can be, when it comes to work – but every mistake he makes in his Episode 0 is the result of an uncontrolled emotional response to being hurt by Sachi. He lost his virginity to a random one night stand when Sachi went on an overnight trip with her teacher. He’s resigned to throw away a future in law enforcement as a way to get back at Sachi because he thinks she’s forgotten her words. 

Think about it: he has no personal negative feelings about the police, not in the way that Soma does, for example. He sees the police agency as a place that’s associated with a promise with Sachi, and how he wants to be seen by her. I previously mentioned that Ayumu is someone who cares a lot about how people see him and is weighed down by a feeling of obligation that he imposes on himself. Thus, when he thinks that she isn’t even thinking of him anymore, he decides to go through with hacking them as a way to get back at her as well as to throw away his heavy feeling of obligation towards that promise. To be honest, every time he threw everything down just to listen to Sachi talk about another man was devastating to read every time. My heart just ached.

However, despite being the reason why he ultimately chooses to give in to Naru’s manipulation, Sachi is the one element about Ayumu that Naru doesn’t know about. What Naru doesn’t know is that all of these emotions that he used to taunt Ayumu lead back to Ayumu’s feelings for Sachi. Those college friends’ talk of hooking up is cheap next to his feelings for Sachi. His indecision over career is due to his internal conflict over whether he will just have his heart broken again. We know that his parents are such great people and keep encouraging him to do what he wants to do, but Ayumu actively chooses to disregard their sentiments in order to keep himself trapped as an excuse. 

To be honest, I think he is choosing to be in denial since he knows that even if he does go through his promise to Sachi and becomes a police officer, it wouldn’t change the fact that she loves some other guy, but he just is too afraid to admit that to himself honestly. He wants the choice to be taken away from him so he doesn’t have to take responsibility for the outcome. Let’s be real, refusing to admit his honest feelings to himself is one of Ayumu’s defining traits lol.

This is why I truly believe that Ayumu is the one man in HLITF who loves the hardest. At the end of the day, all of Ayumu’s choices and mistakes in his Episode 0 come down to his feelings for Sachi. His indecisiveness over his career, his disdain for college talk about hooking up, his conflicting feelings about law enforcement, even his choice to ultimately join Public Safety, almost his entire identity is based around Sachi. Personally, I really appreciate that the writers didn’t underplay how important she was to him and almost his entire past just to appease readers who want to forget about her. Even when the choice to join law enforcement becomes his own choice (bc of the bombing incident), he still relies on Sachi for strength. 

The reason I feel that way is because this is a demonstration of how strong Ayumu’s love is, but also because it just goes to show how much his MC changed him to make him able to forget about someone as important as Sachi and fall in love with her instead. And this is also why I believe, in Ayumu’s future Love’s Trial route, that Naru will be defeated because he will not be able to understand the level of depth and dedication that Ayumu’s love truly reaches, and how his words, actions, thoughts and entire world are shaped by his love for his girl.

Let’s revisit those three points of his character that I mentioned previously and see how they relate to his relationship with his MC – more specifically, how she has managed to overcome them.

1.       Needing to project a certain image. This defence mechanism is something that HLITF MC gradually wore down over the years through her relentless pestering but is dealt with most explicitly in Our Graduation Epilogue chapter 3. She wants to be his home, i.e. the place where he can be himself entirely without any pretence of trying to be cool.

2.       His feeling of obligation. This is something that isn’t as clear cut as a promise, but I would say that the closest thing to obligation here would be his role as her instructor. I think this is one of the reasons that he is so adamant about maintaining that teacher/student boundary and why he has always worked to bring out her innate strengths, because he feels obliged to her as an educator and mentor and that he has to fulfil this duty to her. That’s why he gets so worried about losing that dynamic, because he’s worried that he’ll lose his worth to her when that role no longer exists and that she won’t need him anymore. Luckily, she disproves that for him and shows that she’s actually more excited for that boundary to be dispersed.

3.       Being assumptive/imposing burdens on himself. This is related to what I previously explained about his anxieties. But also, jumping to conclusions is something that we see Ayumu doing throughout the first two seasons and substories as well. These two are constantly getting into arguments because of miscommunication, particularly in substories (the ones that come to mind the most are Temptation Lingerie, 夏、ほてりが冷めるまで and Surprise Date Love Story). But luckily, we know that things always work out because he’s just so in love with her haha and because she’s so unwavering in her love for him~

Naru is formidable. I really think the second half of Ayumu’s S3 is going to be one of the most intense routes in the entire game because he is a direct nemesis who just seems like an anarchistic edgelord, not a whole terrorist group or organisation that has a goal wider than just chaos. He’s clever and crafty, and I believe his hacking skills will be at least on par with Ayumu’s (i.e. I think Ayumu will find it challenging to go against him technically). I think he will be furious that someone of Ayumu’s talent has been coopted by Public Safety, of all people, and he will do anything he can to get his ‘friend’ back with him, perhaps employing the same types of taunting and tempting techniques that he used in this Episode 0.

What will separate the two will be what Ayumu will do for, and with, his MC. The one key point that Naru was missing the first time was that Ayumu’s decisions were ultimately swayed by Sachi, because you know he would have exploited that weakness if he had known. And I believe he will miss that point again this time when he tries to take Ayumu back. He already knows that Ayumu cares for his MC but what he won’t realise that Ayumu’s love can strengthen him now; it’s not a weakness. Plus, Ayumu has already demonstrated, and is now even more explicit about, how far he is willing to go to help her. Also, if he has to battle Naru, he won’t be doing it alone. He has the love of his life, who he personally trained into a specialist, fighting alongside him.

Anyway, that’s enough speculating from me. I don’t have the energy at the moment to articulate in detail about the ways in which Ayumu and his MC love each other, but I’m sure it’s obvious to all of you who have read his routes and fallen in love with him. I just want to mention some things that I loved about this route.

The great thing about every Episode 0 route is that all of the characters are still extremely flawed even at the end, which allows us to get a good sense of how they got from point A (life before PS) to point B (joining PS), and then how that then brings them to point C (meeting and falling in love with you). I mentioned before that joining Public Safety is still not really Ayumu’s own choice. This is because he’s still madly in love with Sachi, and his choice is still at least partially because of her words, although also because of all his mistakes. Also, speaking of mistakes, man does Ayumu make a whole lot of them here.

I really enjoyed seeing him get thrown into a position where he suddenly becomes startingly aware of his relatively privileged life, which also contributes to his sense of ennui btw, and become forced to question huge questions about life, death and morality. Considering all this happens in about 5 years and he presumably spent a couple years at the Police Academy before entering Public Safety, it made me realise that Ayumu learned and matured really quickly. The Ayumu we know now is so much more experienced that it was really fun seeing him basically just be a dumb kid who think he’s so great getting caught up in something bigger than he could have ever imagined. The bombing issue is Ayumu learning what being truly powerless really means. Choosing between life in IT or life in the police becomes a non-issue when he suddenly gets given a day to figure out what to do with his stolen information.

Also, can we just talk about Kaga’s kindness? You guys know how much I love Team Kaga dynamics, and I kind of love that we get to see that their dynamics are basically like this from the start, with Ayumu basically being a brat to Hyogo-san and then Kaga kind of begrudgingly adopting him and going out of his way to recruit him. We love bratty Ayumu but thinking back now, I also love how obedient he is to Kaga and how much they trust each other despite their first ever interaction being Kaga beating Ayumu in a dark alley lmaooo. But the thing that is the most telling to me about Kaga is the fact that we now know that Shinonome was involved in the deaths of Hamaguchi and co., i.e. the very thing that made Kaga choose to transfer to Public Safety. So like Goto and Soma, Kaga and Shinonome play a role in bringing each other to Public Safety. You can tell the writers consulted either a show bible or Kaga’s Ep 0 because the dialogue at the press conference is almost exactly the same in both routes haha. Anyway, Ayumu got tricked into stealing files that Naru deleted from the NPA database regarding the bomb threat case that Kaga was working on. It was Ayumu’s tip to all the reporters and Kaga that led to Kaga sending Hamaguchi and the rest of his squad to the abandoned building where they lost their lives. I mean, obviously, as Namba says, the fault lies with the terrorists (and then with NARU!!!, and of course with the higher ups who just buried the case) but Kaga knows that the case information that Shinonome helped Naru steal was crucial to this case, and yet not only does he not blame Ayumu, he actually goes out of his way to recruit him. I love how Kaga-style it is as well to say “I’m gonna have you in the end anyway. You may as well come quietly. Say yes and then think about it after.”

(This is almost a Prince Joshua level “yes or yes” proposal)

By the way, I also want to bring attention to this one moment in particular where Kaga’s expression SOFTENS when he sees Hamaguchi… Kaga cares about the people around him so much ;~~;

Anyway, I’m gonna wrap it up now because I will literally keep on going and never stop and I’m already about about 4000 words so I’m just gonna add a few more of my notes:

No wonder Namba still treats him as a kid cause he met bratty 20 year old Ayumu

By the way, how great was Namba’s advice? “Whatever you choose, I only hope that it’s to help others and not for your own amusement”

This is another defining difference between Ayumu’s (current) and Naru’s mentalities which I didn’t want to get into cause I had a slightly different focus.

I said this before but I’ll say it again: Ayumu’s parents encouraging him to follow his path and do what he wants to do even though it means that their business will no longer be a family business…. Gives me Emotions

“The shittingest”

Why did Ayumu get the nice giant dorm room that MC gets at police academy when Kaga and Ishigami had to share one room lol

And Goto and Subaru had to share a room too even when they were working detectives in Criminal Affairs

Ayumu calls Kaga yakuza no less thanTHREE TIMES lol

I know that this has been mentioned by Sachi before but this route really hit home for me that the bullying way he treats his MC is like... what he does when he’s happy?! He was so depressed and disillusioned this whole route that we got none of that behaviour and it made me really miss it

By the way, I’m like 90% certain that Suo is going to make an appearance somehow in Ayumu’s Love’s Trial route

TSUKUNO AYUMU!!!!!!!!!!

Also, I wish they gave us a little more introspection on Ayumu’s relationship with MC at the but also what a typical scene between the two of them we get to see! (Her being a dorky, clingy girl and him grousing but actually ENJOYING IT like the tsundere he is)

Do you agree/disagree with my thoughts? Let me know what you thought of, and enjoyed about, the route and my notes on it! 

[voidheichou]

Stress Relief - A Stydia Fic

A/N: I started writing this when I was in the middle of my second year of university. The struggles that Lydia is going through in this fic was essentially what I was facing at the time - deadline after deadline, and no motivation to do the work. Obviously my only way to cope with the overwhelming work load was to procrastinate by writing about the overwhelming work load, hence this was born. I became too busy with uni however, and didn’t actually get round to finishing it until now, 9 months later, where I’m now procrastinating my final year work load. I hope you enjoy it!

Also, if you want to read my other Stydia fic which is set after 6A, feel free to do so here :)

Summary: Lydia is having a hard time keeping up with the demands of her college course. Naturally, her worries are calmed when her supportive boyfriend Stiles shows up to look after her.

Warnings: University life, stress, me portraying how much I need a Stiles in my life through this fic.

Words: 2479

It had been a long week.

The college life wasn’t easy for any student, and Lydia Martin wasn’t exempt from that. Despite having an IQ higher than 170 and being one of the smartest girls of her generation, Lydia wasn’t coping well with the stressors that currently consumed her. She had 3 assignments due in soon, 2 of which involved her carrying out entire experiments. That wasn’t all either. She was worried about Kira, not having heard from her since she went back to the skinwalkers more than a year ago, and she was starting to miss Beacon Hills. No matter how much she adored her housemates, dealing with filthy communal areas and loud noises at stupid times weren’t what Lydia would call ideal. It’s funny, dealing with the supernatural felt easier than this. She was currently sitting on the magnolia couch in the living room of her student house, attempting to concentrate. Her legs were crossed on the sofa, laptop placed on top of her, an organised mess of papers flourishing around her. A blank word document was open in front of her, the black cursor daring Lydia to make the first move to just write something, damn it. The girl who would once rise to any challenge was defeated however, and backed down with a sigh. She kept her laptop in place, but pushed her head back, hoping to find some inspiration for her work from the patterns on her ceiling. She ran the fingers of her left hand through her strawberry blonde hair. What was usually combed to perfection was now unruly and greasy, splayed out for miles it seemed. She was in dire need of a shower and a haircut, but time never seemed to be on her side for either of those things these days. Her 15 year old self would cringe at the sight of her now. She counterbalanced that last thought with the understanding that her problems back then were minimal in comparison to now. This lead Lydia to question why she was arguing with herself in the first place. It wasn’t productive or useful; if anything she was just procrastinating. When did her life turn into this? She huffed once more and glanced down to a blank screen, indicating that she spent more time zoning out than actually working. She woke up her laptop hastily, refusing to notice the hideous sight of her reflection on the screen. Her barely comprehensible thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the front door unlocking. Even though Lydia couldn’t concentrate, she hoped that whoever had just entered wouldn’t try to distract her. Moving away from her laptop to do anything else would be the worst decision right now. It was one thing to try and work but get nowhere; it was another to avoid the task all together. Her moment of worry ceased when she heard the sound of unique footsteps coming through the hallway. Lydia was comforted by the rhythm of footsteps that she had grown so accustomed to hearing. They were loud, but not harsh, heavy but not threatening. A warmth spread through the girl when the footsteps increased in volume, the special heat spreading through her once his figure came into her line of sight. She watched him for a second, noticing that he hadn’t yet seen her, probably expecting her to be in her bedroom. Before he got too far past the living room door, Lydia started to speak up, notifying him of her whereabouts. “Looking for me?” Stiles flailed at the unexpected voice, in a way that was so uniquely Stiles. Lydia was convinced that her boyfriend could have all the training in the world instilled into him by the FBI, CIA and the NSA: that still wouldn’t stop him from being so... expressive in his reactions. She laughed at his behaviour, loving that he could make her happy even during her most stressful times. “Lyds, you gotta give a guy some warning before you do that. You scared the crap out of me!” His tone was displeased, almost hostile, but his smile gave him away. Lydia smiled back and moved some of the mess around her to make space for Stiles. The brunette walked towards his girlfriend, closing the gap between the two of them. He swiftly kissed his girlfriend’s forehead, moving to sit to her left straight after. “Well, you didn’t tell me you were coming over, so shouldn’t I be the one getting a warning?” Lydia gave an inquiring look towards Stiles, the accusation just an excuse to admire his moles up close. The agent in training simply shook his head, smiling softly to himself before speaking gently. “Where’s your phone, Lydia?” The question startled the strawberry blonde a little, making her wonder why she hadn’t heard it ring in a while. She may not have the same mindset as her 15 year old self, but she was still just as popular as back then. Rummaging through the physical manifestation of her thoughts, her search through the stack of papers came up empty. Furrowing her brows, she turned back to Stiles, answering his question softly. “I must have left it upstairs, why? Is something wrong?” Stiles shook his head, mentally scolding himself for always thinking the worst. When he had asked his girlfriend if he could come over nearly an hour ago, he was expecting her to reply quickly like she usually does. He hadn’t seen her in a few days due to FBI training, and she never takes long to answer his calls or texts. When she hadn’t answered however, his mind created the worst scenarios that she could possibly be in, supernatural or otherwise. It was that thought process that made him decide to show up at her house anyway. It was clear that everything they’d gone through together still impacted Stiles, despite leaving that life behind in high school two years ago. He was guessing that if Lydia was concerned over not seeing one text, she was impacted in the same way.

Stiles sighed, trying not to dwell on the events that once consumed his life. Answering Lydia’s question, he replied “Don’t worry, nothing’s wrong. I just messaged you to see if you’re home so I could come over, and, well, you didn’t answer... so I came over anyway.”

His explanation was logical, but Lydia could clearly sense that Stiles was nervous. His speech was laced with hesitation, and while she was used to her boyfriend speaking with his entire body, Lydia also noticed that Stiles’ hand gestures were more rapid than usual. Picking up on his nonverbal cues, she decided to press him further. Leaving her right hand on her laptop to keep it steady, she reached out for his forearm with her left hand, playing with the hair poking out of his white shirt sleeve gently. With a head tilt and a playful smile on her lips, she spoke softly. “Not that I don’t love you being around and making the effort to see me, but is there a particular reason as to why you’re here?”

Her tone was curious, inquisitive even, but Stiles knew from the way her eyes pierced his soul that she’d be able to tell if he hid anything. He wasn’t even ashamed at his reason for turning up to his girlfriends house. He was however worried that she wouldn’t want him there. They may have been dating for a couple of years by now, and he’d never admit to this if anyone asked, but Lydia still scared Stiles at times. This was especially true when it came to her education, since she usually wanted to be left alone until she was done with an assignment. Having dealt with his own struggles through his last few years at college, he didn’t blame his girlfriend for her tendency to snap at those closest to her during times of stress. He just didn’t want to be on the receiving end of it today.

He started playing back with the hand that was on his arm, interlinking their fingers while he replied. “It’s just that I missed you, and I know you’re gonna say that it’s only been a few days since we saw each other last, but I’m stressed and exhausted, Lyds, I know you are too. So my last seminar for the day was cancelled and the first thing I thought of doing with my free hour was checking up on you. I know you’re trying to work though and you prefer to be alone, so I can leave if you want me to.” Stiles glanced down at their linked hands, worried that Lydia would instruct him to do just that. The strawberry blonde was smitten though; if her heart was beating any louder then Scott would be able to hear it from across the country in Beacon Hills. She understood why he was nervous now, but she would never distance herself from him on purpose, especially after the wild hunt. She lifted their still linked hands up closer to her, then kissed her boyfriends hand softly. There was a bruise surrounding the knuckle on his middle finger, and she remembered his animated story of how this weeks combat training was rough. She kissed around the rough spot once more, then glanced up at her boyfriend, a tiny smile etched onto his face from her actions.

“Stiles, you’re so sweet. If it was anyone else who had come to see me I would have asked exactly that, but not you. Never you.” Lydia couldn’t help the smile that formed on her face as she looked at Stiles. She would always appreciate the way he treated her, and she wanted him to know how much she cared for him in return. Breaking their eye contact, Lydia noticed the carrier bag at her boyfriends feet. “What’s in the bag? Is that your way of checking up on me?” She asked, squeezing his hand as she did so.

Stiles glanced down, remembering the items he’d bought before driving over to Lydia’s place. “Yeah I guess… well I just kind of assumed, you know, based on your previous habits around assignment deadlines, that eating isn’t a high priority of yours right now, so you probably haven’t eaten anything in a while.” Now that the thought had crossed her mind, Lydia couldn’t recall when her last meal was, or even the last time she had a snack. This coincidentally led her stomach to growl ferociously, making Stiles chuckle before he continued on. “That’s exactly why I thought I could make something for you.” His eyes were wide, excitement coursing through his veins as he explained his little plan.

That was another thing Lydia loved about the young man sitting next to her. He was full of ideas. No matter how terrible they could be sometimes, his enthusiasm towards them made the possible frustration of following through with them well worth it.

“You do realise that making beans on toast doesn’t count as cooking, right?” Stiles rolled his eyes at Lydia’s quip, not even denying the fact that his skills in the kitchen were poor. “Yes, thanks for that, I’m well aware. Luckily for you though I thought we could have something a bit more edible that even I can’t mess up.” Releasing his hand from Lydia’s, Stiles reached into the plastic bag, bringing out a thin, square cardboard box. “What better way is there to de-stress than spending time with your boyfriend eating oven pizza?”

Lydia laughed once she saw the packaging, partially because of how much her boyfriend struggled to pull it out of the box, but also because of the way he was wiggling his eyebrows at his idea. “Well who am i to argue with that?” She paused, still smiling but she chose to speak in a more serious tone. “Seriously though, thank you. I don’t just mean for the food but the fact that you wanted to check on me with your spare time, and that you knew what kind of state I’d be in but you came anyway. It means a lot to me, more than I can put into words. I love you.” She reached up and kissed Stiles’ cheek before sitting back and continuing on. “Besides, I could probably do with some pizza and company from you, considering I’m not making any headway so far with this.” She pointed to her laptop as she finished her sentence, the black screen emphasising her lack of progress with the assignment due at the end of next week. Lydia sighed, rolling her eyes at how she couldn’t get away from her reflection this time.

Before her thoughts could manifest into self-hatred over how she looked and felt in general, Stiles held her hand once more. He was always pulling her back from the darkness without even realising it. She turned to him as he began speaking softly to her, maintaining eye contact throughout. “First of all, I love you too, you don’t need to thank me, I’m always going to look out for you, and I know you’d do the same for me. Secondly, how about you take a break for a while. I know that’s probably the last thing you feel like doing, especially if you haven’t done much work, but maybe it will help. I can put this pizza in the oven and some popcorn in the microwave, and then we can talk through what you’re struggling with while we eat and maybe watch something. How does that sound?”

It’s funny, Lydia thought. Back in high school she was the one to constantly render Stiles speechless. At some point during their relationship however, the tables had turned. Now Lydia was the one who was at a loss for words, just from little, effortless things that Stiles says and does. It was something which she hadn’t experienced with her previous boyfriends, and she was once again reminded of how much she appreciated him. With a bright smile and a nod of her head, she replied back with “that sounds great. We’re not watching Star Wars, though.” She laughed at his groan and little pout, knowing that he wasn’t seriously upset over her lack of interest in the franchise.

Lydia knew that she’d basically just agreed to being distracted from her work, something she didn’t want to happen in the first place. In that moment however, she couldn’t care less, because she was with Stiles, and he made her happy. He’d go through her assignments with her eventually, and together they’d sort through what was being asked of her, until she was no longer wound up by the tasks. Until then, she didn’t mind spending some quality time with the person who was essentially her anchor. Maybe avoiding her work for a little longer wouldn’t be that bad after all.

[cescalr]

In Another Universe - ‘Shot 3 Preview

Cafes, Coffees, and Contract Killing. The Usual Sunday, Y'know.

Summary:

What it says on the tin. Desmond Miles works for an organisation that uses Coffee shops as a front. He's been trained to do so since he was little - put a bit of poison in a drink here, get someone's number there and then murder them in their sleep. There's a blond guy that frequents the Starbuck's down the street that seems like he might be useful - if, of course, the other organisation (which, coincidentally, runs a chain of coffee shops; what is with secret organisations that kill people and caffeinated beverages and little cakes?) doesn't get him first.

(He's cute, too, but that's only a bonus. Really, Desmond insists, it both has nothing to do with anything and hardly even registers on his radar.)

(Lucy - a girl who works at the Starbucks and one he can't quite tell if works for them or for /Them/ - calls his bluff. But then, what does she know?)

(Too much.)

Notes:

The assassins are a smaller coffee shop/cafe chain, and the Templars are Starbucks. Obviously.

(lol.)

Desmond spends most of his ays standing behind a counter, memorising faces and orders and checking people for small crosses, hoping that he's not mistaking simple Christians (or goths, or other people who wear them ironically, or people who believe in vampires... or literally anyone, because it's not just Christians that wear crosses) for Them.

If he figures out a person really is one of Them, well, then his real job kicks in.

Desmond smiles at a girl - cropped brown hair with a blonde streak, grey eyes that might be flecked with blue if he squinted slightly (but he won't, because that's not generally very attractive), a nice jawline and high cheekbones - and thinks, what a shame.

A pretty face like that shouldn't be wasted on a Templar.

(On someone within the organisation that killed his mother.)

Desmond introduces himself to the girl, who blushes faintly and smiles, easy, flirts right back. It's almost too easy - but then, she could always not be a Templar.

That wouldn't explain why she glows red when he focuses, though. Maybe she's just a run of the mill serial killer. Maybe she has a personal grudge because there's a lot of time he doesn't remember from that short stint 'on the run'.

You can't run from them. You most certainly can't run from Them. So Desmond came back because at least here, there's no chance They'll try to kill him on his home turf. They're the only ones stupid enough to shop at their enemies store, after all.

Either way, she's red in his vision. So either she's one of Them, or she needs to die anyway. Hell, she could be a rapist, he hadn't thought of that - and if that's the case, then she'd definitely need to go.

"So, Hanna," He says, "What brings you here today?" after their little bit of small talk - she's from out of town, like most of the Templars. Supposedly, Hanna's here to visit family - she's got a temporary job at the Starbucks, and that's all the confirmation he needs, really. You don't get a job if you're only visiting for a couple days.

(To clarify; another assassin would need more. He doesn't even need this much, really - the red of his second sight is more convincing to the higher-ups than even the best of investigation. But Desmond needs more confirmation than that, for peace of mind.)

She smiles again, practically throws her dimples at him, and leans forward. Her top has a low neckline - because of course - and Desmond lets his eyes stray. Her smile shrinks, more of a smirk, and the dimples are gone. Hanna says something entirely unimportant because now he knows she'll accept him writing his number - the one he uses for this sort of job, for the phone they keep elsewhere in case of tracking - and he nods, and she smiles, leans back. Desmond gets Hanna her drink personally, then writes her name on the cup - underneath, he scrawls his number, fast but careful, and then hands it over.

She smiles to him behind her cup, then nods and sashays out of the store. Rebecca, who's manning the register, snorts.

Rebecca's their cashier. Unofficially, because the organisation can't afford to be official, she's their technician and backup support on missions and... the other thing. She also does a lot of inventing in their spare time, alongside Layla Hassan, who, coincidentally, invented the other thing.

(Layla's a turncoat from the Templars. It's always nice when that happens, given how... uncertain a specific blonde woman's loyalties are.)

The Other Thing, the thing that Layla invented, is what Desmond spends a lot of his time using when he's not working or - well. Working.

(Fortunately for them, even though she invented it for the Templars, back when she'd been wholly agreeing with them - and mostly unaware of their true nature - she hadn't been quite as good as she is now. Meaning, their Thing is better than Their Thing.)

"Templars," Desmond agrees.

"Always swayed by your charms," Rebecca laughs slightly.

"I suppose my face helps," He grins a little, eyes wandering around the crowd. They're not as big a chain as Starbucks, but they're getting there. About ninety-percent the size of Costa, now.

(Of course, Starbucks is way, way bigger than it lets on, given the whole Templar nature of it all.)

"And there he goes..." Rebecca says, conspiratorily, as she follows someone with her eyes that's walking down the street outside.

Blonde. Blue eyes, Desmond thinks, from what he can see. Desmond hasn't found out the guy's name yet, given he seems addicted to the shit they sell at Starbucks and hasn't looked twice at this place since the day he showed up in town.

As they've dubbed him, the 'definitely-not-a-templar Starbucks Blonde Guy', is walking down the street towards his usual haunt.  

(They had to add 'guy' to the moniker because they've already got one of those in female form. That's always been the issue with Lucy, as far as Desmond knows. He hadn't met her before he left, and she'd been planted before he got back. Desmond talks to her now, obviously - 'old friends', or so the cover says. He has to visit her at work occasionally, to prove that, and it's a little dangerous, but he doesn't mind it, because - despite the wariness - he does genuinely enjoy her company.)

(... there might be other motives, too. Motives that might also be blonde haired, motives that might have blue eyes.)

"And there he goes," Desmond echoes. Rebecca glances at him, but Desmond waits until Blonde Guy has moved out of his line of sight before he looks to her.

"Y'know, I'm glad you came back when you did," Rebecca says. "We'd have killed the idiot otherwise."

"Hey now," Desmond says. "Liking terrible coffee does not an idiot make."

Rebecca rolls her eyes. "Just tasteless, then." She replies.

"For all we know, he could hate it, and they really have put addictive shit in their flavoured water." Desmond points out. "True," Rebecca sighs. "If only I could get a sample..."

"I'm not buying that shit," Desmond says. "Get Lucy to do it."

"She refuses." Rebecca looks vaguely annoyed, vaguely worried. That's kind of her whole thing, regarding Lucy.

"Of course she does," Desmond says. "'I can't tell you everything. It would blow my cover. I can't get a coffee or two for friends. It'd blow my cover.'" He half-quotes, half-mimics.

"Yep." Rebecca sighs. "And if she can't figure out a good cover for getting her poor uni roommate some caffeine, what can she do?"

The mood sobers. They care for Lucy - of course, they do. She's one of theirs. She's also a close friend. That's what matters more; that's what makes this worse. Desmond's just glad he didn't know her Before. Rebecca sometimes crashes at his or Shawn's or Layla's because of it, and the tiredness on her face when she does suggests a recent argument. One she never wins, of course. And one that always hurts.

Another customer comes up to the counter. Desmond plasters a smile on his face, tilts his head and focuses. Bright blue - friend. Desmond nods to him, holds out his hand, and the other shakes it, nods back. Assassin, Desmond knows. He pockets the note as he asks for the man's order, treating him like an old family friend, as they're instructed to whenever someone from another branch shows up.

The man looks to be a few years his senior, and he speaks with a Russian accent. Definitely not a local branch, then, but Desmond can't remember if they still have one in Russia. The Templars have a pretty strict hold, there.

Regardless - it'd be rude to ask.

The man leaves with his straight black Americano and ginger biscuits, and then Desmond taps Rebecca on the shoulder three times before moving away, into the back. Two people appear after Rebecca types something into her register - Shawn's visiting (he usually stays at the uni campus, working in the library and keeping Templar hands off the valuable and dangerous materials kept there under various forms of physical and computerised security) so he takes over Rebecca at the till, and Emily - a non-assassin that works here because they need that diversity, in case the Templars get suspicious - takes over Desmond's place at the counter.

Rebecca follows him into the back, and then they look at the note.

Clay Kaczmarek might be useful. Son of Harold Kaczmarek, descendant of a few different assassins. Now that's definitely useful - the descendent thing.

The picture attached makes things complicated, though. Blonde. Blue-eyed; younger, but still, the spitting image of Not-A-Templar-Starbucks-Addicted-Blonde-Guy.

Rebecca shares a sigh with him, adds her own quiet "crap" to the mix.

Yep. That about sums it up. Still - at least Desmond now knows why the guy glows gold in his other sight.

[losers-on-ice]

Why am I Still Here?

My first Yuri On Ice fic, previously posted on ff net. Enjoy :)

I can't believe I'm still here.

Yuri held the door open for a few of his classmates as he exited his first class… of his fifth year at university. Due to having to work fulltime for his family's restaurant and hot spring, Yuri could take only a few classes each semester, and as such quickly fell behind on his four-year plan. His parents assured him that it was no big deal, that many students finished or even started late, if they went to uni at all. Still, Yuri felt like an incompetent loser. He had no friends here because they'd all graduated, and there was no way his 22-almost-23-year-old ass was going to make friends with a bunch of 18 year-olds.

A huge sigh escaped his lips as he made his way to his next class; it wasn't even a true class, but a tutorial for one of his more difficult math classes (Why did I wait this long to fulfill my math credit?). The last thing he needed was to face a TA who started at uni the same year as he, but had already moved on to bigger and better things.

When Yuri arrived to his next class, there were only 6 or 7 other students already at desks, and absolutely no sign of his TA. Yuri looked down at his schedule on his phone.

Victor… Nikiforov? Great, a Russian hardass who is sure to expect too much from students…

Yuri took a seat at the edge of the second row. Just close enough to see and hear everything, but not so close that I'll be expected to answer questions. While he scrolled through his Instagram feed-all of his friends posted pictures of happy faces as they received job offer after job offer, a few had sparkly engagement rings, some a new pet to warm up their new homes-more students trickled in, no more than 10. Taking a glance around the room, Yuri noticed no more than 20 students present when the clock struck 2:00, signalling the beginning of class.

Whoever this Russian guy is, he sure is running a bit--

"Hello class! Sorry I'm late! First day of a new year and all, hehe…"

Yuri looked up from his cell phone and immediately froze. This was no Russian hardass, surely. This man was… young and so, so beautiful. There was a slight Russian accent in his voice, but was barely detectable. Yuri was sure his own Japanese accent was much thicker, even after living in Detroit all these years.

Gulping thickly as the TA scrambled to organize his book bag and dry erase markers at the front of the room, Yuri took the time to fully appreciate his physique.

He was slim, but so very tall. HIs hair was a silvery blonde color, obviously not due to age. His jaw was strong, nose narrow and pointed high in the air. The pinkest, plumpest set of lips Yuri had ever laid eyes on stretched widely across his mouth as he smiled jovially. His cheekbones were high and prominent, adding to the androgynous quality of his handsome/beautiful face. But most of all, his eyes were absolutely brilliant. Yuri had never seen eyes as crisp and clear as this man's. They were a striking icy blue, so gorgeous one couldn't help but be drawn to them.

Yuri's heart seemed to stop beating for an entire 30 seconds as he continued to stare at the most enchanting person he'd ever seen.

Yuri was not the most attractive person in the world, he was well aware. All through grade school, his weight fluctuated greatly. He was as simple as they come: pale, not-too-skinny to be skinny but not-too-fat to be fat, dull black hair that hung just above his ears, shit brown eyes, and perhaps the nerdiest glasses of the century-and not the chic, hipster nerd kind of way. On top of all of that, he was socially awkward and held interests which most people did not, most of them based in classical literature. Sure, he'd gone on a few dates (mostly those of the blind persuasion), but none of them were successful enough to warrant a second, let alone an entire relationship. Yuri wasn't sure he'd ever felt any sort of attraction to anyone, physical or otherwise.

Until today.

Yuri could only imagine how red his face was at this point. Thankfully, there were enough students in the room that the TA should not notice.

"Anyway, class," began the man at the front of the room. "Obviously today we won't be going over any topics from lecture, since there has not been one yet, so I thought I could start off by telling you all a bit about myself!" He smiled brightly, walking around to the front of the desk by the whiteboard. He leaned back against the desk, resting his palms flat on the beige surface. "My name is Victor Nikiforov, but you can call me Victor! I'm currently a graduate student here, where I also studied for my undergraduate degree. I hope to have a great semester helping you all learn about the great wonders of math! I know it can be daunting at first, but with a little one-on-one help, I'm sure you'll all do just fantastic!"

Yuri shifted uncomfortably in his seat as Victor's eyes scanned the room, making sure to establish eye contact with everyone he could.

"I've written my email address on the board. Don't hesitate to send a question about any topic my way, I'll try to work it out as fast as I can." He gestured to the board behind him. "Well, that's about all I have to say… if anyone has any questions, feel free to speak up." Victor continued to smile brightly, reaching a hand to the back of his neck awkwardly.

Yuri began to pack up his things, when he heard a girl's voice ask loudly, "Do you have a girlfriend?" Several other girls giggled. Yuri's head whipped around in shock.

The audacity of this girl! You don't just ask a TA such a personal question! She must be a freshman…

Yuri saw that a group of 6 or 7 girls, all cute and dolled up for their first day of classes, sitting together, a few of them blushing, all of them staring right at Victor at the front of the room.

Victor chuckled lightly, seemingly unbothered by her absurdly personal inquiry. "I'm afraid not… uh, what's your name?"

The girl lit up possibly 100 shades of red. "Melinda."

"Melinda," he echoed, smile growing ever larger.

Oh great, just another womanizing TA hoping to take advantage of young vulnerable girls…

Yuri couldn't help but frown a little as he realized what kind of man this "Victor" must be if he is shamelessly flirting on the first day of class. He also couldn't help the sudden ache in his chest at the realization that he would never have a chance with his hot TA.

Wait, what? No, of course not.

There was no way Yuri expected anything to come of what was obviously a crush at first sight. He had come to terms with the fact that he didn't experience sexual attraction to women in his first year of high school. He later came to terms with the fact that he didn't experience sexual attraction to men, either. He later came to terms with the fact that he'd never experience sexual attraction to anyone. Around the same time, he realized that no one would ever feel sexual attraction to him, either.

But this man… was he the one to awaken those desires within him?

Yuri shook his head to rid his brain of these idle thoughts. He obviously wasn't Viktor's type, since he had not breasts, nor short skirts.

Victor cleared his throat as the girls continued to giggle and shriek over the fact that he'd said Melinda's name. "Well, if there are no further questions… we'll continue this next week!" To emphasize his-albeit over enthusiastic-words, he clapped his hands together and grinned widely.

Yuri picked up his bag and cell phone, still distracted by thoughts of his TA naked--oh my god I can't seriously be thinking these things right now-and darted out the door, not looking back.

He knew we was supposed to be home by this hour, but Yuri couldn't muster the motivation to head back to his family's home just yet. Instead, he picked up a salad from a convenience store on campus and found an empty bench under his favorite tree on campus.

It was a huge maple tree. He had never seen anything like it before arriving to university. Its leaves were much larger than his hand, even when he spread his fingers as far apart as they could go. At this time of the year, the foliage was still a bright lime green without a sign of the impending golds, oranges, and reds that would soon dot the tree's branches. Yuri sighed deeply for what must have been the millionth time that day. He leaned his back against the thick trunk behind him, grateful for the shade on this warm August afternoon.

He popped open the plastic lid of his lunch. "Itadakimasu," he muttered quietly before digging into the overpriced shreds of lettuce.

As he chewed, Yuri thought back to the tutorial with the inhumanly hot TA. All through the rest of Yuri's classes, he couldn't forget Viktor's smiling face, how handsome he looked up there at the front of the classroom.

Ugh, what are you, 16? Snap out of it, Katsuki. This isn't like you.

"You must be thinking about something pretty hard, huh?"

A husky, somehow very familiar voice cut him out of his ridiculous thoughts. Yuri snapped his head up from his food and nearly choked.

There he was, the hot TA he'd just been day dreaming about.

Yuri blushed brightly. He fumbled with the salad in his hands, nearly dropping his fork on the ground. "I, uh- I-I, um…" Yuri sputtered.

Viktor looked down on him, chuckling lightly. "I believe you're one of the students in my tutorial, right?"

Yuri could not find the words, so he simply nodded.

Viktor was quiet for a moment, but kept looking at Yuri's face expectantly. "Do you mind if I sit here?" He pointed to the empty spot next to Yuri.

Again, Yuri could say nothing, so he nodded. He scooted over a smidge as Victor sat down.

Victor set his bag by his feet and stretched his arms above his head, letting out a sound somewhere between a sigh and a satisfied moan. The sweet scent of vanilla and something else, something slightly musky, wafted toward Yuri, and he flushed an even deeper shade of red-if that was even possible. Yuri quickly realized he had been staring at Victor as he set about gathering his own food and looked back down at his salad. He shoved a forkful of leafy greens in his mouth as Victor said, "You seem to be a bit older than the other students I saw today."

Yuri nearly choked for the second time in two minutes. Carefully chewing and swallowing, he took a sip of his water and sighed. "Um, well, yeah, I kinda waited until the last minute to, uh, fill my, uh, math credit…" Damn it, Katsuki, what the hell is this? Now there's definitely no way Victor will want anything to do with me!

Victor smiled warmly and opened his container of food, also a salad. "I did the same. My final year, I decided to take my required math course, only to find out that I really enjoyed the subject." He looked up at the tree branches above them. "It was truly a shame. I'd already wasted three years on a literature degree, and here I was, falling in love with math." Victor chuckled lightly. "I hope the same doesn't happen to you, as great as I think math is."

I'm definitely falling in love with something…

Yuri's eyes widened at the thought.

"Though, it all worked out in the end, I suppose. I'm right where I want to be." Victor made eye contact with Yuri and winked. He took a bite of his food, staring into the distance. Yuri watched as his jaw muscles worked around the food, watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed.

Victor looked in his direction, having realized Yuri was staring. "What is your major?"

Yuri rested his fork on the edge of the salad container. "Um, l-literature."

Victor's eyes widened. "Really? What a coincidence!" His whole face lit up. "I did end up graduating with my literature degree, you know. What first got you interested in studying literature?"

"Um…" This was a question Yuri had been asked many times, by family and strangers alike. He often got a lot of weird, disapproving looks when he said he was a literature student. Yuri thought back to middle school, when he discovered the wonders of WattPad. He learned that the written word was not something inaccessible, as he had presumed by his near-failing English grades all through elementary. Amidst the angsty pre-teen short stories posted to the website, Yuri had found a writer who seemed to understand his very soul, his every thought. This writer had taken the English language and crafted such vivid stories, always crediting his inspiration-from Hemingway to Steinbeck to Carroll to Rice. Yuri not only read this writer's stories, but every book the writer mentioned as inspiration. He would check the writer's page on WattPad every night when he got home from school to see if there was anything new. Yuri knew nothing about the writer himself-his screenname was VN_IceKing, not much to go off of. "It's actually pretty silly…"

Victor tilted his head and his brow furrowed slightly. "Inspiration can strike at any moment, never is it silly," he spoke clearly, seriously.

"Ah.. well…" Yuri debated whether he should spout the truth or fabricate some silly lie, something about reading a certain book in high school and connecting with it or something. He didn't want his TA to think he's some immature, silly boy on the first day of the semester, when Yuri was sure to have to talk to him at some point soon-it's not like math was Yuri's best subject. He quickly decided he was going to say he really liked Heart of Darkness in high school and it changed his life, but his mouth betrayed him. "Well, uh, therewasthiswriterIreallylikedonWattPadanditgotmeinterestedinliterature." It rushed out of him all in one breath. He hadn't a moment to think about what he'd just said.

Oh my god, I can't believe I said that. He must think I'm some kind of fangirl freak.

Victor stared at him for some time, his expression unreadable. After a few beats, he finally spoke, "WattPad, you said?"

Yuri had been staring into his salad bowl during the whole ordeal, his hands twisting together in nervousness. He nodded slightly.

"Wow, another coincidence, huh? I used to write on WattPad in grade school! I remember checking my view count every night, wishing I had more popular stories. I wanted to be a great, like Hemingway or Steinbeck… or Carroll or Rice." Victor continued to lazily take a few bites out of his salad, again looking at something in the distance.

Yuri's eyes widened and again he almost dropped his entire bowl of food. Could he..? No, absolutely not. Those are all extremely famous writers, I'm sure he just now thought of them.

The blonde chuckled again, setting his salad next to him on the bench. "I remember my username was something silly, something about royalty and ice. It sure was cold in Russia at the time, and I had a huge ego."

His ears began to ring, his hands began to shake. No way. This can't be… Yuri's breath faltered as he remembered how he left comments on every single work form VN_IceKing.

VN… Victor… Nikiforov…

Again, Victor laughed lightly. "I remember that even though none of my stories were very popular, there was one person who always commented on my stories, encouraging me to keep writing, never once giving me criticism."

Yuri made a strangled yelp, actually spilling the contents of the disposable plastic container in his lap.

"Oh my, are you alright?" Victor looked at Yuri, eyes shining.

"I- um- I just remembered! I have- um, an assignment due in five minutes! I have to go! Um, bye!" Yuri picked up the now empty plastic bowl, as well as his bag, and nearly sprinted away from Victor.

This can't be. There's no way. This is impossible. I'm being stupid right now.

"A… Assignment? It's the first day of class…" Victor mumbled under his breath as he watched his student flee. He rested his chin in his hand and cracked a small smile. This boy… is certainly fascinating.

[gender-euphowrya]

personal gigantic text ahead hu-god damn-rray if you’re interested in giving some life advice to a complete loser feel free to do just that

so here’s my life right now i’m a high-functioning aspie with low-functioning depression & anxiety what it means is things are already hard from the start but i’ve been managing until about 2 years ago when absolutely Nothing changed and yet i just stopped being able to do the things i usually did i can’t go to school anymore. it’s just not happening. i stopped school those same 2 years ago, and just a few months earlier this year i tried signing up for a new BA because maybe that was the problem, maybe the field i was studying just didn’t interest me anymore but that’s not it, i’m still getting the same problems, i’m completely unable to focus, doing my homework properly has become impossible, i can’t focus on it long enough or bring myself to care enough about the subject to actually put effort into what i’m doing, i can’t even attend school because A) it’s fuck far away from where I live so that means at least 1h30 of 3 different types of public transportation making me wake up as early as 5AM meaning i’m exhausted before i even left home B) it makes me sick. literally. i can’t get up in the morning because my stomach feels wrong. i try to get myself ready to go anyway thinking it’ll go away but it doesn’t. it feels so bad i can’t even eat so that means i go hungry the whole day especially because i’m a picky eater and the food at uni sucks. C) if i miss one day ? i am fucked. i won’t go again. it’s not happening. it just feels like “what’s the point ?”, “i’m going to get yelled at or questioned”, “i missed the lesson about ____ so i’ll be lost now”, it’s fucked because my anxiety makes it that i am fucking terrified of failure & being seen in a negative manner in any way shape or form by any fucking body, meaning if i give a teacher a reason to think i’m not doing good or i’m one of those students that doesn’t care, they won’t ever see my face again because i just can’t take it anyway yeah things are absolutely fucking horrible because as you’re all aware we live in a capitalist society and if i don’t go to school i don’t get a diploma, if i don’t get a diploma i can’t find a job, if i can’t find a job i won’t have money, and if i don’t have money i literally die of starvation and/or of being in the cold all day because i won’t have a home i don’t know what went wrong and why things changed so much, especially the transition from Literally One Of The Best In My Class to Fucking Slob That Does Nothing And Can’t Open A Book Without Crying i also would have killed myself already if it weren’t for the few things that do make me genuinely happy, but that UNFORTUNATELY society deems to be absolutely worthless and a waste of time, A.K.A i can’t make money from it i would have killed myself if it wasn’t for music, i always have earphones on, i hate just being somewhere not listening to anything, every opportunity i have to listen to the songs i like, i do it. i probably spend about 6 whole hours a day listening to music. but you don’t make money by listening to music. i would have killed myself if it wasn’t for video games. i got my first console when i was around 7 and i loved it. games aren’t real and at the end of the day it’s just a fun little past-time that humans created to entertain themselves and their kids but it takes you on adventures. that shit’s exciting and i won’t apologize for enjoying it as much as i do. i play them too much and i’m fucking aware of that but playing them is the only thing that makes me genuinely enjoy life. to some it’s going outside, to some it’s seeing beautiful scenery, to some it’s writing or reading a book, to me it’s being able to go on entire journeys and meet exciting people and explore worlds that aren’t bound by our world’s laws of physics or time or logic even, all that from my chair or bed.  and yeah neither the people nor the worlds are real, but that doesn’t exactly matter. because you don’t make money by playing video games either way. unless you’re a youtuber. and i’m nowhere near charismatic or bold enough or able to afford recording equipment to be one that’s successful enough to make a proper living so there goes that. oddly enough i think i would have killed myself if i hadn’t started smoking weed. now again, i know it’s bad & illegal yadda yadda but fuck off. it’s a fucking plant. it makes me sleepy and makes me forget about everything that’s otherwise making me miserable. where’s the crime ? so you can argue with me about how it’s actually counter-productive because something something it makes you lazy or w/e bullshit y’all come up with, and i hear that, but it’s also productive in a way because i SURE AS HELL would not have been able to withstand all this entire bullshit without getting absolutely hammered once in a while. i’d have gone crazy and offed myself already. but again, you don’t make money by getting high. i can’t draw. i can’t sing. i can’t cook. i can’t sew. i can’t repair things. i can’t make new ones. i can’t do sports. i can’t talk to people. i can’t even drive. and now i can’t even go to school anymore. i have absolutely 0.5 things to contribute to this society. i might as well be dead but there are still things out there that i want to enjoy before i go. oh and also there are like... 3 people that wouldn’t want me dead and i don’t want to disappoint (again, fear of failure & all that jazz) i’m also 0% motivated to actually try to push myself to the limits and force myself to struggle to get a diploma anyway, because look at the fine damn mess. you want me to be motivated to work in a society where : to work i need to sacrifice my free time, youth, mental health, and money to attend school and succeed. but then that’s still not enough, 1 diploma ? you get no job with 1 diploma. now your mom, yeah she used to be able to get a job even with No Diploma At All, but that was ~back in the days uwu~ and now it’s not like that anymore. so already it’s fair. (oh and what else is fair ? that you’re working your ass off to maybe possibly attempt to obtain even 1 millionth of what “This Guy Who Has Never Worked And Will Never Have To Work Because Parents Are Rich” has, which he got by being born and that was it. and you’ll never have the same thing no matter how hard you work). so anyway you still need a Higher Education because the employers want that apparently, and they want more. they keep demanding more. you have your high school diploma ? good, still need more because (it’s actually worthless). oh what’s that, 2 years of uni diploma ? neat, neat, with that you can be a cashier maybe ? or clean filthy toilets all day. because that’s exactly what you studied english for 2 years to do, right ? SO ANYWAY let’s say you magically struggle through the entire education process that fucking drained you of all possible energy & enjoyment you had, bitch welcome to the Job World. you won’t find one. the one you’ll find will suck. you’ll get a pitiful wage for it. now obviously all of that is already major bullshit, but listen up. that pitiful wage ? you don’t even get it. you think you’re making something like 1000 bucks a month ? wrong. at least half of this thousand will go towards paying bills & taxes, insurance, food, rent... A.K.A things you don’t have a choice but to pay for. so already half of the wage isn’t even really yours because you don’t get to choose how you spend it. so what do you have left that is ~truly your own~ ? almost nothing. so you worked your ass off your entire youth in school and your entire career in your job for Fucking. Nothing. and a fucking nothing that doesn’t even belong to you. oh but it gets better ! remember the taxes ? now taxes are important because they can fuel things like free healthcare, which i benefit from, free education, which i benefit from, and all types of government help that do benefit me. but then there’s the part where your taxes are actually BARELY USED for those things and are instead used on things like mmmmmm the fucking useless military ! so that we can go to war even though it’s fucking pointless but we greedy uwu, or upholding racist and all types of other -ists institutions like The Police :), or just filling some corrupt politician’s pockets if he happens to find fraudulent access to it. So this is what I’m supposed to be looking forward to do and excitedly working towards. This. Exhausting myself working your typical week yet still being broke and never really earning anything, “my” money not really ever being mine, it being completely gone in the blink of an eye, and to be used in ways that i won’t approve of, to make the corrupt and greedy government prosper from my work while I don’t. Faaaaaaantastic.

so my question is simple : what the fuck am i supposed to do

[heyfragics-blog]

Jonny’s Story - Part 1

“I’ve always been a romantic person, to believe that there is such a thing as true love, happy endings do exist and that there is nothing in life that completes someone as much as being in love. At 18 I met a girl who I fell hopelessly for, I chased her for the whole summer after I left school, I was moved by her, that feeling of invincible happiness just by being so happy to be flirting and decidedly falling for somebody. I spent hours on my roof watching the sunset listening to music and being so happy with the world, maybe the happiest time of my life.She was wonderful, clever, ambitious, caring in her heart, and loving in her actions. Weeks of ups and downs followed with me chasing her. I had slept with her best friend in a moment of drunken lust and I spent all summer trying to correct for that and convince her. Twice we were together in a bed or alone on the floor of a party kissing and so close together but it was too much and tears started that no apologies could correct for. After a confusing summer of love tinged with rejection she left for uni and I was left searching for a job to chase my dream of becoming a pilot. It took her leaving for  uni for one drunken fresher night FaceTime for her to say she had told people here she had a ‘boyfriend’ back home and she thought it was me. My heart exploded at the thought, to hear those words from her mouth made me feel untouchable, it made my soul glow to think we were 'together’ at last. I came to see her at university, to see each other at last and she was waiting with a complicated message from her friend to tell my girl she wasn’t happy with the two of us together because (her best friend) found it weird. I was so angry and frustrated with her, she had been silent all summer about us but the moment we acted on it she wasn’t going to allow it. We were both heartbroken, acknowledging the complexity of the situation, but still we were here at last, together and I wasn’t going to leave. We had our first kiss, nervously. It’s like a firework in your soul to be connected to that person, to hold them in your arms and be with them. We had a perfect day in Bath, seeing the city and wandering around hand in hand completely in love. A perfect meal over candles, it was perfect, true romance, not a cliche, just pure, natural and perfect in both our eyes. We saw each other maybe twice more and then we were together in front of our friends for the first time as an open couple. Of course everybody knew but as we stood there, holding hands we were both glowing at the feeling. It was wonderful to be put in front of people as one couple. At the stroke of midnight and to 'I will wait by Mumford and sons’ on the first of January 2014 under confetti and lights of a club I told her I loved her and she smiled the most wonderful smile and told me she absolutely loved me too. I felt a raised level of connection for her, to be closer to anyone else than I’ve ever been before. Everything feels perfect when you are in that space. Life’s challenges become easy, you’re confident, relaxed, fulfilled as a person and being truly in love helps you grow and lift yourself in ways you never even realised. It helps you to be your best self and realise your potential. We spent the entirety of 2014 in love. We worked together, it never lost its honeymoon sweetness, of course reality and routine crept in but we would make the effort to see each other. Driving down after a late shift in the dark through the Cotswolds excited to see her, still with butterflies when we met, when we kissed. We would make the effort for each other, I stole her away for weekends in fancy hotels it was ridiculous two 18 year olds, one a waiter and one a student could afford but I saved up tips and my hourly to make special things happen. We were so happy, I touched the perfect balance, true romance but still firmly in the real world, stable, healthy and so so happy. She helped me through my bitterest disappointments, crying over my failed attempt to get into British airways and helped me back on the path to success. Whatever subsequently happened I will always be grateful for the help she offered me in those moments, I would maybe not be where I am without her.

I became very very close with her mum, truly the loveliest woman I have ever known, she had a heart of gold and was fighting her own demons but saw the best in anyone, even the ex-murderer she once met on the bus. She welcomed me into her and her daughters life unreservedly, even bringing us cups of tea on Saturday mornings in bed. She helped me almost as much, maybe even more than Amy in my critical lowest moments, and I will absolutely always remain thankful for her kind words when I needed them. I even saw her in her house to say goodbye and thankful after the relationship had exploded to wish her a heartfelt thank you and best wishes for her struggle.

I never felt the same welcome with her father, I was always at arms length, polite but no more than that. Somewhat of an inconvenience and not unwelcome but at the same time not comfortable, I was always on my best behaviour and never at ease, her step mum did her best to ease things and was lovely but I was always more comfortable in her mums house.

I set out to carry on my journey to the cockpit. I started literally at the bottom, with a temporary summer contract as a baggage handler. I got the interview and offer on my birthday and started a week later, moving into a BandB to start my training for the ramp. It was painfully obvious I was a little posh boy, I always try to carry myself modestly and I made no mention of being a pilot or British airways but I stuck out. I quietly tried to do my job and be professional but I was constantly reminded of how much people disliked me, how much I didn’t belong there. I was working physically hard breaking my body throwing 200 20 kg bags into a plane and packing them in 20 minutes again and again and again at any time between 4am and 3am. I was desperate to give up, I hated it and I only found comfort in the encouragement and support given to me by Amy. I was helped by her and her mum so much, even my own parents weren’t supportive of me, they decided I had no other option but to carry on, I had to for my dream. I spent so many nights desperate to come back to Amy, my broken body and at my limit of what I could put up with, I was made to feel better, helped through the worst by her. I felt lucky to be so supported and it bought us both closer, I felt so blessed to have someone who helped me selflessly and we were still smiling and easily in love even in the worst of it. We ended up living together in her student house. It was a half hour or so from the airport and perfect for cheap living. It was super stressful, lots of early starts being polite around students going for nights out when you came back in and seeing them coming back as you left, it was exhausting but we still made time for each other. We still went on cute dates and did special things. The routine was there but we still made stand out moments. My job improved, moving off the ramp into the job I wanted via a stint in ops, now I was controlling the turnaround out on the apron and I felt motivated I was moving in the right direction toward my goal. The hours were just as long but t was more bearable being motivated. Christmas came and went still in love and new year. It still felt special but at a certain point, somewhere in the new year I felt I ran out of superlatives, when you tell someone every day you are souls yes or you love them with your whole heart it becomes routine, a baseline, how can you say more than that, how can you make it special. It was just a thought but it crept into my head. Her Christmas exams did not go as expected so the pressure was on for her to do well in her summer exams. The opening for British airways arrived so I was waiting for that and striving for the next stage, the next interview, the next test. One day I felt it. Suddenly she was distant, I wasn’t feeling the same, the special feeling disappeared. 'I love you’ became so normal it had no meaning, we were drifting, the magic had gone completely. Overnight. We were living together, both aware of this growing elephant in the room but neither of us were doing anything about it. After the break up I saw the music video for 'Still’ by daughter and the similarities struck me hard. We carried on for maybe a month, I was desperate for the old relationship back and I pushed for that. And then the word love meant missing, we were sleeping next to each other, facing away just too timid, too afraid of the answer to ask the question seriously. I was still in love with her, I was terrified, upset, I could feel something going terribly wrong but nothing I tired was working. It was like watching a car crash in slow motion from the passenger  seat. One day I came to start my 6 day pattern, driving the 1 and a half hours down to Bath, I dragged my suitcase through the door and she grabbed my arm and pulled me into our room. She told me that she couldn’t do this anymore, things had changed, she didn’t feel the same and she didn’t love me anymore. I felt like I had jumped out of a plane, my stomach falling and I went into panic, I begged, I pleaded, I professed my love entirely. I told her I felt the magic go and I was desperate to be 'back like we were’ , we cried, I was on my knees and her sat on the end of our bed. Tears dripping everywhere I just felt helpless, my whole world, the last 20 months disintegrating in front of me. She begged me to stay and not to drive home but I couldn’t, I dragged my suitcase back, I got Easter eggs from my car I had got for the house and handed them tearfully to a housemate who gave me a hug and wished me well. I sat in the car feeling empty, destroyed. I called home to tell them I would be coming back and I started driving home. I called my best friend. Crying and crying he had broken up with his long term relationship 2 weeks before. He listened to me as I cried and drove home through rain and my own tears. I felt no better for all his consolation. I didn’t really accept it, it was so much of an attitude change to have someone you have spent nearly two years with evaporate from your life. I wished it had never happened, I could forget, I could be like the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and have somebody delete my memories. It sounds incredibly dramatic but it is comparable to having someone you live pass away. Suddenly, even with an incling of  warning it all disappears and then go through the same processes. At first I couldn’t accept it, I wouldn’t, it wasn’t possible. I couldn’t imagine my life going forward with that big of a hole in it. Gradually it faded to a grim acceptance. The adage that time is the only healer was repeated to me by countless friends. It is cruel but true, there’s nothing you can really do right now to make t better but one day it will be okay. That night I came home to my mother who hugged me and sent me to bed. I was two hours in my own bed before I had to get up for work. I didn’t sleep at all, I dragged myself up and into my uniform, I set out at 2am for Bristol airport. It felt like a bad dream, driving by moonlight, all alone in a very contemplative zone I almost convinced myself it didn’t happen. I cried all the way there, for nearly 2 hours. I took 5 minutes to gather my thoughts in the staff car park. I wiped away my tears, I got my shit together and I put a very fake and unconvincing brave face on it. I was a zombie, reactive but not present. I was so tired, physically and emotionally. Everybody of course knew something was up, even passengers looked at me funny and friendly familiar crew faces asked if I was alright. I got out an unconvincing yes, everybody looks like they’ve been crying when they dragged themselves up at 3am. I t was raining as it often was, I didn’t have my waterproof trousers and I sat there on the wing watching people board silently crying. The tears lost in the rain. I was staring at couples wishing so strongly to be that lucky, to have someone and to be with Amy, to make sense of it, to process what had happened but I could not.

TBC in Part 2…

Author: Anonymous