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albatris · 4 years ago

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ik this is probably an inappropriate question to ask but i deal with stpd and just recently discovered this. Previously thought it was just depression/anxiety but ive been on like 7 antidepressants/2 of which were more geared towards anxiety. I was wondering if you take any meds or have any advice you might recommend. Id really appreciate it. Im running out of ideas lol.( Sorry to bother and thank you)

nah you’re all good, I don’t have any problem with questions like this n I’m happy to share any experiences of mine that people might find useful!! though in this case idk how much help I’ll be, sorry D:

mostly about meds but my bad for goin on a whole ramble in the middle about therapy?? I talk a lot and have trouble staying on topic

'cause meds n therapy both have been useful to me but both probably would've been pretty useless without the other

under cut for personal rambles

so I was in the same boat as you for several years, I was in treatment for depression and anxiety and then borderline later on, way way way before anyone landed on schizotypal

as such I’ve been obviously dealing with stpd symptoms for basically my whole life but I only got diagnosed early last year n it’s the first time I’ve been. like. actually in any sort of therapy that addresses it properly and I’m still getting a feel for it

in terms of meds, I’ve been on a whole slew of different antidepressants, didn’t find one that worked until I was maybe 18 or 19? so I’ve been on the highest dose mirtazapine since then....... helps with that kinda baseline anxiety background hum, helps with obsessions and guilt spirals..... I didn’t think it did much for depression until I tried coming off it??

like, it gave me a slight boost in terms of energy and motivation, not a huge one, but definitely noticeable once it was gone

but yeah, it was kinda..... yeah, this med is about as helpful as I’m gonna get, so I decided to stick with it. I recently have considered coming off it ‘cause the sedation was a nightmare, but that’s on hold for the time being

I’ve been on two different antipsychotics, first quetiapine, which did absolutely nothing and was even more sedating on top of the mirtazapine, and currently I’m starting on aripiprazole. still on a super low dose, but working up to something that will hopefully ease some psychotic symptoms. side effects of insomnia and nausea but eased off mostly after the first week

but yeah, I haven’t really had much experience with antipsychotics or how helpful they are yet, atm I’m gonna wait and see whether there’s any real positive effects

but meds are super hard to give advice about, ‘cause different ones work for different folks, what works for me might not for you, what works for you might be something I tried and hated, etc etc etc, y’know

honestly the most helpful thing for me has been therapy, I’ve pretty much been in therapy since I was like 5 and I’ve done a lot of it

meds might be helpful to some people on their own but for me I think they would have been mainly useless without some form of therapy

meds kinda helped with some of the “edges” ie, the resulting depression and anxiety of the personality disorder, hopefully will help with some psychotic symptoms too, therapy has also helped with some of these issues on the edges, and I’m currently addressing some of the more specifically schizotypal core issues, although I will likely have to continue doing the work on those issues for most of my life

if you have a good doctor who listens to you, if you want to continue trying out meds then you might still find one that helps you out! I don’t really have a lot of advice here, because the effects can be so different from person to person. but I’ve found that meds only help on a really small scale, they kind of take a little bit of the weight off but it’s still a whole lot of heavy lifting on my own

so therapy was real good for some of that stuff too, skills for easing some of the load. therapy for me involved Other People, but for others it could involve other resources, such as online workbooks n that kind of thing....... ‘cause I know personally for me I fuckin HATE meeting new people and having to bare my soul for them, so therapy gets. interesting

and I know therapy is not realistic for some folks (and also not what this question was about but I’m just rambling now)

n I know especially that that shit gets fucking HARD when any sort of psychosis and paranoia is involved, in terms of stpd, I flat out refused to speak about certain symptoms with professionals due to paranoia and fear, and had a lot of issues trying to come into a therapy environment and immediately having complete strangers be like “ok tell me about what’s up”

like, no???? fuck off?? I don’t even know you??

n until recently all my therapies where only tangentially useful as a schizotypal, like, I did a bunch of social anxiety stuff which helped with some of the surface level day-to-day social anxiety (not so much the more deep-seated stpd social anxiety, that whole “it gets worse the closer you get to people” type, very fun), I did a lot of work around depression and suicidal urges and goals and meaningful living and whatnot, I did DBT which also encompassed a lot of work on interpersonal skills and handling dissociation and paranoia

n like. some of it was helpful? none of it got to the core of the issue or addressed what I really needed to address

I got super lucky with my current psychiatrist in that she was someone I already knew for around a year and a half beforehand ‘cause she helped out in my DBT group therapy. so I was able to get a feel for what kind of person she was beforehand and got to find my feet in trusting her in a more distanced context before entering one on one therapy. she also specialises in personality disorders and was the one who actually diagnosed me so it wasn’t like she was like “oh you’re definitely schizotypal, I’m gonna just pan you off to someone more experienced now” which was nice

she’s also the one who’s helping me out with meds currently

but ya, therapy can be A Lot, ‘specially for schizotypals who tend to isolate and get uncomfy in those vulnerable scenarios. in order to make the most out of it I have to practice an extremely uncomfortable sort of “radical openness” which is like..... well, I’ve spent most of my life being miserable and unhappy and feeling trapped and stuck in these patterns, and this has gotten me nowhere, in order for something to change I need to be radically open about my experiences

which gets HARD because the knee-jerk reaction to paranoia and delusions is often to pull back and isolate, and often I’ve struggled with the idea that it’s not “safe” to speak about certain things or that something bad will happen if I do

so it’s difficult, but I have to continually commit myself to being open and placing myself in intensely uncomfortable scenarios, getting used to the idea of trust being An Action, and practicing trust even when I don’t necessarily Feel It

that’s been a really helpful outlook for me and the only thing that’s kept me involved with therapy and meds and treatment. idk if it’ll be useful to others. I also know that some therapists and psychiatrists are shit and being radically open with the wrong people can be a nightmare

but it’s something that applies in my other relationships too and with my relationship to myself, so. *shrug emoji*

but yeah. that’s been what’s helpful for me

meds do a little bit of the work, but honestly I still have to pull a fuckload of the weight on my own, I kinda got to the point with meds where I was just like “ok this is obviously as good as it’s gonna get” and just stuck with it......... which is kind of a bummer of an answer

ik that kinda turned into a whole unrelated ramble in the middle there but I hope this kinda answers a bit of your question maybe or maybe not ‘cause I don’t really know what I’m doing

but also

I hope you have a nice day

#sorry this is such a rambling wishy-washy answer #tl;dr meds r good but sometimes shit. therapy is good but sometimes shit #like both have probably been really instrumental to me in learning how to manage my symptoms #but also #both can be a nightmare #also idk if this made any sense at all it's a bit of an all-over-the-place response #n bits of it aren't really relevant i don't think #schizotypal #Anonymous

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eightysixed · 4 years ago

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snapped

It was lunch break when he got the notification, at first going unnoticed because he was sitting outside with Duncan and Krista in their usual spot. The sun beat down on the three of them as they ate the wraps Krista got for them from the 7-Eleven, that and the lemonade. He tuned out of the conversation at hand, some plans Kirsta was making for Bonnaroo or something, to check on his phone.

[ 1! new snapchat ]

As he unlocked his phone, he shielded it in view from the other two. Being a snap from Gaby, he was probably wise to do that. But it was unlike their usual snaps. Sat in the backseat of a car, she was strapped in next to two other girls. The bar caption underneath it: road trip with the bestiesss.

Confusion was the first emotion, wondering if she’d sent it to him by accident. It was set as her story too, once he pulled out of their chat and noticed as much. He contemplated not answering anything at all, but that would be rude. Then again, she had been rude. Torn this way for a couple of seconds, he settled for sending a chat her way instead.

tyson hey gaby🍒 haha hiiii tyson what up gaby🍒 not much u? tyson work lol gaby🍒 oh right haha tyson yeah

It was fucking weird, this. He wanted to say as much. But what else could he really say that hadn’t already been said? There was nothing else. Months ago, she told him to meet at Carousel. It started out friendly with drinks, and then turned ugly. A perfect storm of the worst proportions, him telling her that he was basically seeing someone now and her saying that she wanted more than 3am booty calls and nothing else. She presented her case, how she thought they really could be something, if he only gave them a chance — hell, he was almost convinced for a second. But no more than that second. He stuck to it, she got upset, she stormed out. Now, he just wanted to ask her what the fuck all this was, but how to do that without coming off hostile? A task.

gaby🍒 just saying hiii is all tyson kinda weird but cool lol gaby🍒 what i can’t say i miss u? damn :( tyson kinda weird after how u left yeah but nah it’s cool ig gaby🍒 i was jk chill 😛

Tyson wondered if he read that right. Why were girls like this, he wondered. You could never get anywhere half the time with them because you never knew what the fuck they meant. Life would be so much better if they just said what they thought and meant it, but of course, that’s not how things went in life. It never went like that in life. Playing games, they all liked to play games.

He left Gaby on read and pulled out to the main screen of his snapchat (handle: bonghitter). Unopened items there were plenty, a video, and messages from two other girls. For a brief second, he contemplated deleting the app entirely, before that notion slipped from his mind again with Duncan grabbing his attention. He put his phone away and went back to lunch.

***

Later that night, somewhere in between hallucinating an earthquake in his and Tierney’s living room (he was completely sober, so that wasn’t a factor), and picking up an unidentified number that didn’t answer down the other line, Tyson found his evening going funny. Almost like he’d stepped into an alternate dimension. He wasn’t on any of Sulley’s edibles though, so what was going on? Maybe this was that psychosis that was setting in that Jude had warned him about (though he can’t remember why Jude had told him it would, they hadn’t been sober then). If it wasn’t an earthquake that had shaken the floor just now, what could it be? Did some fatty whale of a person fall directly outside their door, making the ground shake? A possibility. Oasis’ infrastructure wasn’t the strongest.

Then he got a new snapchat notification.

From her. Again.

He braced himself for the worst, opening it, and surely, there it was. A half-clad Gaby in mirror view, the usual ‘hey’ postscripted by that unholy black bar that was strategically covering up places that normally, he’d want uncovered. It was clearly some hotel or motel room, and he could probably guess the next that would follow, if encouraged. But all he felt was a faint wave of disappointment. Nothing else. Old Tyson would’ve sent her a ‘where’s the rest’ message, no questions asked, but not this one. He was angry and not sure how well he downplayed it, maybe not well at all.

tyson ?? gaby🍒 what? haha tyson why u actin like this gaby🍒 like what?

Tyson mumbled an expletive under his breath. He was an argumentative person, sure, he loved to debate, talk until the cows come home about the right subject. But this was his least favourite type of confrontation, and he’d rather be doing anything but this, literally anything.

tyson you were the one who said okay we’re done u stormed out the bar u did that remember? lol gaby🍒 ohhhhh that look i wasn’t in a good place then okay? i’m sorry :(

Tyson said nothing, a sigh escaping his lips. Starting to get angry now and not even sure why. He’d always had it good with this girl, but outside of whatever they did in bed (or on a couch, or in the shower), there was nothing. And he wasn’t exactly interested in anything she had to offer right now. Or anytime in the future. It was borderline ridiculous to think or believe, and Dom would probably ask him if he was okay and not sick, but there it was. He thought of the right thing to respond, but before he even could, she sent through something else. A Bitmoji. Hers hugging his.

tyson okay apology accepted but nothing’s changed with me meant what i said then still stands now gaby🍒 you’re still seeing someone? tyson yea gaby🍒 oh okay just thought something changed my friend saw u tyson where? gaby🍒 at santa monica on the pier u were with some girl tyson jfc that’s my best friend’s babymama she came w/her kid to see him gabriela i’m tired i’m seeing someone rly can’t do this gaby🍒 okay tyson have a good night

The last reply back took the longest time coming through, but when it finally did, there was no more. Relief. Was he off the hook? Was this it? He waited for more to come, but it didn’t. Maybe he was off the hook. Maybe she’d come around again in 3 months. Or 6 months. Or a year, who knows. Maybe she’d find someone and stop snapping him. He hoped she would. As he was thinking these things, maybe five maybe ten minutes having passed, he got a new notification.

gaby🍒 my friends say you suck btw tyson LOL okay

Now this was funny. Though still a little infuriating, he thought as his brows pulled together in both confusion and dismay. Girls, when would they learn that no meant no? He was about to all but toss his phone aside, leave it on the bed to go back into the living room, when one more came in.

gaby🍒 sorry im a lil drunk...

Now that he would leave on read, and hopefully there would be no more, and that would be the end of that. She really wasn’t a bad person, Gabriela, deep down he liked her. As a person. But it ended there. He was about to go through with his toss-the-phone plan and shuffle into the kitchen to see if a bag of takeout had magically materialized on the counter, be done with this chapter for good, when he got a new notification. With dread he glanced to the top of the screen, but a smile picked up on the corners of his lips when he saw who it was from.

Jude: holy shit dude you need to check this out… [ http://absoluteepicpranks.com/monkey-flaming-motorcycle.htm ]

#self para #self para: tyson #this is the dumpsterfire that happens when a plot comes to u half asleep in the dead of night #and u don't write it down and proceed to forget 85% of it #and then attempt to reconstruct it #v: silverlake

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psychoticparadox · 5 years ago

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Introduction

So here we go again... I can’t even begin to guess how many times I’ve tried to be consistent with my blogging, but here goes another attempt.

As I go through life, I witness changes in myself & my environment as a whole.. Experiences build me and mold me, etc. Hopefully I am evolving throughout this process, but life is a roller coaster and I’m somehow still hanging on.

So, let’s get into this introduction a bit more with an ABOUT ME, shall we?

I think a proper greeting is due, so....

HELLO THERE! *waves*

My name is Angel. I am a shy introvert that over-analyzes every damn thing. Its both a nightmare and some cases enjoyable; depending who appreciates it and/or encourages it...if that makes sense. Some people admire my deep over-analyzing to details and therefore it energizes me and makes life as a whole FUCKING AMAZING...and simply put; WORTH LIVING. I literally crave this and thrive on this. This is my drive and simply put; keeps my crazy ass going.

Others will throw up road blocks that cause me to literally CRASH... I just shut down and become isolated, too afraid to share my most inner desires, dreams, identity, etc. When I shut down, I literally go into psychosis and helplessly drown in my own head. Often times, I contemplate suicide, as I feel so lost and engulfed in darkness... surrounded by loneliness and severe depression/anxiety. My self worth is fucked during those moments as my drive is deprived from my surroundings.

I am a Cancer Crab Zodiac, but was suppose to be born as a Gemini. My mother was pregnant with me for 10 months vs the “normal” 9 months. So I tend to take on both zodiac characteristics which makes shit even more fucking complicating.

I went to college for (too fucking long) for Psychology, Nursing, Law, and Arts. My passion seems to mostly be future based as a whole with whatever my surroundings may be. This means I may be adaptable, but also skip around like an ADD fucktard.

Which brings me to my next “about me”; I studied Psychology due to my vast diagnosis. I have been diagnosed with the following..... *clears throat*.... oh wait, I’m typing....so um..... *cracks knuckles*.......

Schizophrenia, Bipolar 1, ADD, BPD, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, Narcolepsy, Cataplexy, OCD, Epilepsy, CPTSD, Aspergers, Legally Blind, Dyslexia ...the list just keeps going....

By now, I’m sure you’re thinking... “HOLY FUCK THIS CHICK IS NUTS”..... yes, yes I am, but it also helps me see the world so different at the same time, and helps me be more understanding. If I could explain it in a lump-sum, it helps me see the world in different shades of colors others may not see. I see many are misunderstood and therefore went into Psychology to help anyone else through their battles. I had to face most of my battles alone, in silence, and don’t want anyone else to feel how I did; alone. Its one of the worst fucking feelings there is, and I thrive in helping others problem solve, plan for the future, come up with a game plan, etc. I find the human mind so fascinating and just can’t help but gravitate to increasing my knowledge of it. Even though I already have my Doctorate's in Psychology, I still can’t get enough of the mechanics of how we operate as a whole, as no one person, no one illness, is the same. And I find that amazing. I am thinking of going back to school to get my PhD in NeuroPsychology, as this is only a few more years and will educate me further. This will allow me to study brain scans in a Psychologist way. Fucking neat right? Naw? Eh,,,,I’m odd. *grins*

People often think that because I am an INTJ (Introvert Intuition Thinking Judging) personality, that I lack feelings and emotions, when its completely the opposite. I am an empath and my crazy mind throws that into my own mess of more shit for me to over-analyze as well, so I tend to show my emotions in silent, or with those closest to me I trust. Around the “right people”, I am quite driven, nurturing, loving, protective, loyal, outgoing, etc. I realize I may come off as arrogant, and even seem to have narcissistic behaviors, due to being so shy and my illnesses, and severe CPTSD. I am usually pretty reserved at first, and mostly observe others and listen. Once I know how they ‘tick’, I then will open up pieces of myself I feel may be appropriate/acceptable. I try to give others inspiration and drive. If I feel a part of me will do them no good, I keep that piece of myself quiet. Sometimes its unavoidable and my moods/actions are uncontrollable, and I try to be as communicative about my situation as I can, but most of the time I am at war in my own head and can’t even communicate to my own damn self, so its even harder to push that communication to others during those times....then BOOM.....domino effect. They feel worse as well as me. So overall, I try to only talk if whatever I have to say will be of aid, not to just “fill the silence”. My head is so loud as it is, so it does make it harder to push through my own internal noise as well.

As humans, we are our own worst critics it seems. This can be both beneficial and chaotic...and in some cases, (such as mine), completely disabling. To use this to our benefit, we must use it as lessons vs criticism. We need to grow and learn from our own thoughts and actions, as well as others, and NOT be criticizing it. Its hard to do, but the more we feed each other supportive inspiration, the brighter each of our futures will be. See what others have passion in, and fuel the fuck outta it. When you fuel others, you will fuel yourself; trust me. We are all empaths to an extent. We feed off each other. Most of the time this is referred to as “energy” and “vibes”....but its true. Whatever you put out into the universe will always return back to you... so I always quote “Spread those good vibes, y’all!”

Now, if you’ve made it this far in my post, first let me just say THANK YOU. This means a lot to me. I felt (and still struggle with this to this day) of feeling invisible and secretly hated... so when anyone shows any interest in me, I light up.

So onward of the whole “about me” I suppose, as well as my intro to this blog.

I needed an outlet to pour my mind into, as well as help others connect to me in a deeper way since I struggle with communication. My mind will literally overflow with thoughts that need to be thrown up somewhere, so heres one place they’ll go. I also plan to vblog on YouTube. I am a streamer on Twitch as well. I am on Facebook, Instagram, Discord, and will spread into other social medias as I see fit.

I started streaming on Twitch October 27th, 2019. It changed my life in many ways. I started it to build a safe place community/family, and it has been amazing. I cannot be more thankful for our community family. I mostly do the “Just Chatting” feature on there, but stream game play from time to time, and multi-stream with others as well. I mostly focus on helping others with therapy chats for free & run on a ‘donation/subscription” basis.

I absolutely love music. I’m obsessed with Rick & Morty. I used to be obsessed over Pusheen, and as I still have a place for that adorable feline in my heart, the obsession kinda faded.

I love to game and favor adventure slash games and FPS mostly.

I enjoy drawing anime, even though I have no interest in watching it. Go figure.

I write poetry from time to time. I also make jewelry, paint, etc. I love to design; whether it be decorating, technology based, fashion related, WTF ever....LOL I see it as an artistic way to plan I suppose?

I am a very misunderstood individual and hope for understanding for myself, as well as others.

I will end this post there for now, and add on when the urge comes. I hope y’all stick around and enjoy my company.

~peace & love~

xoxo angel (^_^)

#intro #about me #aboutme #info #intj #streamer #twitch #mental health #twitch streamer

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spiritualguidancecounselor · 5 years ago

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To all the MK ultra/ human sex trafficking victims out there that are and aren't spiritually inclined.

(This has a lot of information I've personally collected)

My whole life I've been able to use my abilities to see the truth but I wasn't fully understanding what I was seeing. By these people watching and stalking us we can use that connection to not only see them but to also know everything about them and more.

Growing up and even now I've been able to see the men targeting me in spiritual shadow form as well as being able to see their victims that died while in their care.

To better explain my self and my life the differences I've found in how the human sex traffickers in my family and targeting me use their ties to MK ULTRA techniques but they dont want us to fully understand what's going on until they feel they have full control and in my family they only let us know what's actually going on when they take us "vacation" to one or more of their housing location where they lock us up and force us to be raped by whoever pays. Due to my father leaving after starting programming from birth my mother kept us extremely poor without much contact unless with family or neighbors as to hinder us being raped and tortured. It ended up being it's own torture still but that is all she could bring herself to do. To isolate us as best she could and to isolate herself as well. She still cannot process what has been done to her as she was forced to go to every single location in other countries and what they had in america at that time. Her trauma and dissociation comes in her not taking care of herself and her body and not taking care of us as well. She is still the same as she has been my who life. Because of the programming and abuse I've faced I developed an auto immune disease called polyarteritis nodosa as well as dissociative general amnesia that I found out how to workt through all by myself. The reason I'm not getting medical care for it is because the MK ultra human sex traffickers see and feel that I am too much of a threat to be kept alive unless just barely living and being used and controlled which I refuse to be and do.

Back to how we can use their tools against them. By them watching and stalking us they created connections as well as any in my family and literally anyone that I meet I can feel these connections and easily see who they are. For anyone spiritually inclined or working to learn there are different ways they give this off. Spiritually you can see it by dark aura and red or yellow eyes. Red eyes mean more physically violent and yellow eyes mean more methodical and mentally manipulative. Physically if anyone studies body language it's easily pointed out as well as them not properly doing their jobs as they can't follow the law and target us/harm us. The people targeting me even put their targetting and manipulation in physical medical documents as well as more in other ways. They'll know things and directly try to harm any victim with that information from stalking and targeting us. Because they are able to have our phones implanted with spyware (already have proof of apple and samsung both having full involvement in MK ULTRA human sex trafficking) they're able to see where we are even our exact face expressions and more. They use that to their advantage by looking for weak points and looking to exploit those weak points whether it's looking for convenient times and places to kidnap us, ways they can activate our programming causing dissociation as well as general monitoring. They also use everything that can at their disposal so all people tied to them with MK ULTRA human sex trafficking know my face, name and mostly higher ups know my location as to make me an easier target. All of these connections we can and will use against them.

They've been planning on and actively trying to kill me off for years but I still refuse to die. Even now they're planning on when I go to the hospital next to inject some chemical in my i.v most likely to try to cause a heart attack (which I've had) and to try to finish me off for good. Again will not work but let's see them try. They'll try to get my family to come in and activate my programming causing dissociation as well. That's not going to work either but them doing all of these things give me and other victims more proof of their MK ultra human sex trafficking ways proving who they are. They've been planning to kidnap me before my boyfriend gets home from work (around 5-6 am). Killing my boyfriend, killing or taking my dog, targeting me in my own back yard coming from my neighbors yard who are also MK ULTRA human sex traffickers. As I'm typing this they just called me literally right now and told me I'm being investigated for multiple crimes. A fake call made by the same MK ULTRA human sex traffickers. They didn't even use someone voice as to give me less information about them they used an automated voice lol.

What they're planning.

Right now they're planning on monitoring and controlling as many victims as they can but the victims they have under their control they're working tirelessly on continuing their programming and harming them in more covert ways because they fear they will fight just like I am, just like you are. They're working on finding the victims fighting back and working on activating our programming and harming us further which will only show who they are every place they aim to try. We are using their power against them. They plan on making more locations to hold victims against their will to be used, raped and reprogrammed in michigan and all over america. My land lord Louis who is also one of them and has multiple houses in michigan he owns and is planning on using the one I'm in on Harrison street in lincoln park michigan as one of their housing locations as well to hold and use victims.

They've hidden my sister from me and my family using manipulation to work to reprogram her as she was already taken to one or more of their locations to be raped and abused against her will.

I've found multiple people in the FBI and local police who are fully involved and work to stop any help to myself, my family and all other victims. I've also found who they are in the medical facilities all throughout Beaumont, university of michigan hospital and henry ford as well as the big lawyers around and in michigan. Kingswood mental health facility is one of their location they use to not only abuse victims but to ofcourse reprogram them and moniter them as well. They often us the same techniques to try to harm and reprogram victims. Wrongfully labeling them and me as being suicidal, having psychosis, somatic symptom disorder and more

All of which I do not have and have never been as well as many other victims they wrongfully label on purpose to again reprogram, abuse and discredit us but it doesn't because because they are STILL giving us all the evidence and proof we will ever need.

I'll keep adding to this as well.

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grahamslecters · 5 years ago

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Your opinion on - the 100 season 6 😊

Anon, I am sorry it took me this long to answer. I just knew I wanted to answer this properly and that it would take me a while to do so. Although, technically, I could answer your ask with a single emoji:

🤯

Seriously, this season has been crazy and I have loved every minute of it. But, I am going to break it up a little to help me. (sorry if you were expecting a short answer- I’m not very good at those lol) Everything will be under the cut :)

The new world and Sanctum storyline

I love it! What better way to really show you are starting a whole new book than to take your characters and place them on a whole new planet moon? It helped bring originality to the show because there isn’t just grounders and people from space. Now there is a whole new colony of people with their own, albeit strange, customs who can bring a new angle to the show. And a shows us a colony where they don’t make radios out of left over parts but live like people would if everything wasn’t destroyed. It also means that we can meet new characters because they limited it so much by ending the world at the end of season 5. Also, the fact that this showed me that dogs didn’t get wiped out makes me so much happier.

The ‘Enemy’

My favourite thing this season is that you can’t really tell who the enemy is at the beginning. It really, for me, helps to highlight the fact that earthkru (or whatever they are being called now) are not the ‘good guys’ they are just people trying to survive and live. When the season first starts we think it is the Primes who are the enemy but then they make a truce and suddenly it is Gabriel’s children who are the enemy before we find out that they aren’t so bad and the Primes are the enemy because they are body snatchers who ‘killed’ Clarke. The bouncing between everyone really makes you pay attention and keeps you hooked because you don’t want to miss a thing.

Body Snatching

Amazing. I mean it really isn’t. It is actually quite horrible but the storyline is amazing. The fact that we saw the main character die (I stand by my point that she did die- she just saved her consciousness). I thought it was extremely sad even if I knew she would survive (as Bellamy says: she is a fighter. Nothing could kill her that easily). And then we met Josephine who is a character who I’m sure I would love (albeit begrudgingly) if she was in her own body. She had good one-liners and was just very sassy and self-confident. The only thing she couldn’t do well was pretend to be Clarke. I also felt very bad for her when we saw how different she used to be. I saw a post somewhere that showed how the fact that there was someone so heartless in Clarke’s body really highlighted this difference between Clarke’s actions and the actions of someone who really doesn’t care about others. So, I won’t get into it any more that I already had. This post is already soooo long and I have lots left to say.

Madi and the chip

Let this storyline die. She is a child not a commander. That is all I have to say.

Bellarke

I’m a Bellarke blog, I’m going to talk about Bellarke- sue me. Bellarke this season could warm even the coldest, deadest hearts. They have been so so pure and kind to one another. Except for the time when Bellamy was literally in an eclipse-induced psychosis, they have not argued or fallen out. Not even once. This is, I might be wrong here, the first season that has ever happened. So yeah, they are definitely getting their bond back that they had before s5 and are even making it stronger. Leading into official canon status if I say so myself.

The Blakes

yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.

The way this has been dealt with is so realistic and so heartbreaking. I loved or at least loved to hate every moment of it. For the first couple episodes I was just praying that Bellamy would forgive Octavia even if I realistically knew he wouldn’t. And then we saw them separated at Bellamy’s hand I was a big ball of tears but ultimately it needed to be done. Bellamy couldn’t forgive Octavia while she was still hateful towards herself. She needed to remember who she is and what her purpose was before becoming the Red Queen above all else. And one she did, and she knew what she needed to do, they bonded- just a bit in 6x11 and then a bit more in 6x12 and slowly they are becoming the iconic-ness that is the Blakes again. And my heart could not be happier.

The Anomaly

I LOVE IT. The anomaly is the show’s way of expanding it’s boundaries while keeping it realistic to the type of show it is. Sure, it is a sci-fi (kind of) but it doesn’t have magic. So the anomaly being this thing that can’t be explained properly gives the intrigue an unexplainable magical object would give without the magic actually being there (At least I hope so- as I said it can’t be explained and I am only a teenager with a laptop so I don’t know).

Overall

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. This season has been incredible and I enjoyed it so much that I even made my blog because of all the content we were getting.

Again, sorry this is so long. I am very good at going off on tangents but thank you for the ask 💜 This was actually quite fun to write.

#katie answered stuff #thank you for the ask 💜#anon 💕#The 100 #The 100 season 6 #Sanctum #The Primes #The Children of Gabriel #josephine ada lightbourne #Madi #The Chip #Bellarke #Bellamy Blake #Clarke Griffin #Octavia Blake #The Blakes #The Anomaly #my opinion #Katie's ramblings

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catdemontraphouse · 5 years ago

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Vent post sorry ignore it y’all

I apologize for putting this but I really just... need to put this someplace and writing it in a journal and then stuffing that book in a place nobody can find it feels like when I used to hide things as a kid and made them worse, so this is my next most viable place to write. It’s just about how OCD almost killed me and like... I’m okay I just need to vent cuz somehow the trauma bubbled up in my mind lol

——————————

Thinking about the fact that the only reason I’m alive is because of the kindness of spirits. I know that sounds crazy but... It makes sense when you get the whole picture. Sorry I’m just getting this off my chest someplace where I can be relatively anon, you guys probably shouldn’t read this it’s very disturbing. As I said I’m just putting here for my own therapy cuz hiding it in a book makes me feel like complete ass like I’m still running away from it.

As a kid I developed really bad OCD to the point where I had severe delusions and psychosis shit- yes that is a thing that can really happen to people with OCD and it’s horrifying. It started when I was twelve and I wasn’t allowed to have any medical help until I was 21 or so (my junior year of college) and this was after several times I’d almost tried to kill myself. As a kid I’d cry myself to sleep like all the fucking time. I didnt feel safe telling anyone just how fucked up I was because my mom would say shit like “If you don’t explain what’s wrong I’m going to send you away” and I bet she was bluffing like a fuckin ass but as a child I thought that meant going to the type of inhumane sanitarium they show in movies about “Ooooo crazzzyy peoplleee!” Smart move mum that’s a perfect way to get a kid to tell you what’s tearing them up inside. My mom is a really good person who loves me but she fucked up ROYALY on this because she had super twisted moronic ideas about mental health. Thankfully I’m pretty sure she understands that now. Once she finally got shit through her massively thick skull she became and continues to be a strong advocate for me who actively tries to protect me from triggers and shit. Old nuerotypical folks really don’t fucking understand because they were raised in moronic shitty times to be alive. They don’t mean to be crappy and they need to be educated cuz they think ignoring stuff is how to protect people, as blatantly stupid as that is.

Anyhow some of the delusions I had as A KID included: thinking I’d either been or would be sexually violated and had no way to protect myself, thinking God actively despised my existence and wanted me to suffer and/or die, severe contamination fears, unwanted terrifying thoughts, thinking I might be violently possessed by a demon cuz I grew up with a crazy religious father who ranted about Hell etc. The only thing that saved me from this aside from getting some actual motherfucking professional help was the occult. Seriously that shit helped me overcome my religious scrupulocity which was the source of so many of my deadly fears. I used to constantly worry about Satan and demons and shit as a child and now I laugh at horror movies and make jokes about “agents of stan” and “deemoonz.” I felt worthless and afraid and now I still feel like ass, but I know I’m strong as fuck and I’ve got people backing me up always and forever, even folks who are between worlds. I feel like I have renewed power and I no longer feel like as much of a helpless victim. Life for me is still hard and kinda shitty but I’m beginning to feel stable again even if it’s just a little bit. I know believing in supernatural shit might be on crack but it makes me so happy.

#please dont reblog this #thank you #sorry i had to purge this

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domesticateddog · 2 years ago

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my uncle was in the psych ward for 5ish days (idk i was at my bf’s house for a week an a half)and they took him off his antipsychotics and put him on some weird “non-stimulant” adhd medication instead???? BRO???? he’s literally psychotic why the fuck would they do that and he’s more agitated than ever he’s DEFINITELY going back to the hospital in the next couple of days. so now he’s withdrawing from his zyprexa and throwing up and every single loudish noise sets him off into a screaming/self hitting episode where someone has to go calm him down. i don’t know what to do. i do not have the energy or willpower to deal with this im sorry if that’s selfish but i just don’t care. i don’t think him living here is helping him but at the same time there’s no group home type situation where he’ll get to be as isolated as he wants and walk around naked like he wants. but at the same time he needs round the clock check ins and im just not willing to do that sorry. i don’t want to count his medications for him im sorry. im not a caregiver. my dad is so pissed at me and my mom for how detached/drained we are at my uncle’s psychotic episodes but he’s not our child! i don’t want to have to sit in on every single fucking psychiatrist/therapist/counselor/drs appointment!!!! sorry!!! i already have enough going on right now!

he has the mental capacity of a child despite being in his 40s, and there’s no rationalizing his depression and psychosis there is nothing i can do to help that. i already have 1 mentally ill loved one to try to help i don’t have the energy for two, especially when i’m sick or whatever the fuck rn. i need to learn to drive and get a job lol im such a failure

#pee pee poo poo kms etc etc

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mysamcedesmadness · 6 years ago

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Steerio Hearts Stuff & Stuff

White Devils and the Demons They Serve (Chs 15-17)

I was gonna do two seperate posts, but you two are the ones who do most of the reading and y’all actually read EVERYTHING, so I figured, even if it’s as long as a chapter, y’all would’ve read it anyways.

@sweetiedee85

Stevie can’t even sniff his fingers with Bukowski breathing down his neck. What is Bukowski up to with Cheerio?

I. Am. Still. Crine. Over this comment. That is all. (Because, you just found out in Ch 17 what Bukowski was up to.

But I guess it’s the devil you know versus the devil you don’t.

Even though this is regarding Tesla, this is actually a fantastic summary of most of the characters in this story, hell - in the series. People often accept what their life seems to be instead of fighting for what it can be. That DEFINITELY happens in the context of having a mental illness, because everyday life can be overwhelming enough, so taking extra risks and chances are sometimes astronomical.

What’s sad is they would rather do that than come see their child. Time is more value, and we see they don’t care enough to spend any with her.

The Robinsons are the worst. I just have no other feedback of them for right now. Radja more than Champ - but they are a team and that team should’ve included their daughter and never does. In fact, I have a little arc that involves Radja coming up shortly and yes, she’s just the worst in it.

But then those dang nightmares and training haunting the poor guy. I know it’s something he struggles with even after their married. He has triggers, and they usually lead to him growing and learning something different about himself and the way he views things. It seems that this is only the beginning of that journey.

Stevie sometimes suffers from psychosis, so he’s forgotten a lot of things that he’s been exposed to, because his brain was just unable or unwilling to process the trauma - much like his breakdown after Mary died. This is why later he still has repressed memories punching him in the gut and why it’s important to him to be a realist. He seems like an asshole a lot, for “Just being realistic,” but he knows himself (particularly after he’s out) and he just wants to make sure he’s trying to assess things normally and naturally, so that he doesn’t unintentionally wind up in a state of psychosis... Now, WE know that sometimes, it’s going to happen, anyway. But, these glimpses into his episodes are here for me to try to explain why Stevie is such an “asshole,” OUTSIDE of his racism. That’s a completely different issue which I’d never justify. Lol.

I do wonder if Tesla wants this footage. I doubt Bukowski has any good in him so is it his self need to have every part of Tesla in his grasp, under his control? Will she be somehow grateful he’s gotten this back? Idk but just the thought makes me sicker.

Tesla does NOT want this footage, wants no part of this footage, was alarmed by Bukowski and Stevie even MENTIONING this footage, and has absolutely no need for this footage. This is primarily about Bukowski’s control, and also his fetish. He enjoys watching. He enjoys knowing things. It makes him feel powerful to know things and to be able to see things. She MAY be grateful that he’s gotten it, but honestly, she’s still suffering from the damage of the event. She knows that it has already been done, and whether or not there is footage, she’s already suffered and has to live with it. Be sick, be very sick. It’s meant to be deeply sickening.

Anyway, Stevie is out of control lol threatening Derek was un called for. We know at this point she’s the one exception to that word, and that’s recent so I wasn’t surprised when he said it. I thought Cheerio would at least consider turning down Stevie’s offer but nope lol She just as toxic in love as him, and she sees beyond his training. I doubt I could have it in me.

Stevie is often impulsive in his decisions, but sometimes, they’re premeditated. Sometimes, he thinks things out, knows that his decision isn’t great and does it anyway. He gets so much better about this as he ages, but Teenage Stevie is deeply territorial and no matter what he says, he feels like he owns Cheerio.

And, no ma’am. I can’t relate to her, in that regard. A chick called me “Kunta Kinte” in 2007. I tried to beat her with a beer bottle in her own trailer, had to get dragged out of there and brought home and I still will call her a bitch, if I see her today.

Angelwings

Ok... Who is Bukowski even using to make Tesla (Ally) jealous? I mean agh.

This had me cracking up SO HARD. You would be surprised the kinda pink dick pandering out there on the innanets. Whenever I had a successful porn blog, right here on Tumblr, I seen some shit. And there are folk less attractive and less charming that can somehow manage to get little sex games going with people, especially if they’re in a fetish niche (which gingers are).

ok so Tesla told her to have sex in the shower? If she's in the bathroom they accept verbal... side eyeing and looking all squinted eyed trying to imagine how they WON'T get caught.

This is because the orderlies won’t generally just burst into the bathroom while a resident is in the shower if the resident seems fine and is willing to peek out and show their face. They’ll only barge in if the resident seems off (trying to pretend that they’re fine) or is not responsive. They want to value their privacy to a certain extent, but not to leave them vulnerable, if they somehow got hold of a weapon or something.

It just goes back to what Stevie says to Sam. He has to constantly battle with his thoughts. At least he does that.

I touched on this a little bit with Dee. Stevie HAS to do this, to make sure that he keeps himself grounded. His triggers are so dynamic that they literally take control of his mind, for a time. He wants to not have to experience that, and he never wants to hurt the people he loves because of some type of break.

Hmm so Dani is trying to work at a library. That's kind of perfect. Hope she gets it and keeps up her therapy and stuff. It always makes me upset to see any hospital release patients before they are ready. I really hope Dani can transition back into society.

Oh, no - she’s not trying to work at the library. The library is one of the few places that poor people can have access to the Internet and by this time, even though the story is set for several years ago - a lot of the jobs and such are available to apply online. Dani would most likely apply online, because she knows that she might appear to not be normal when going in to get applications and people might “fire before you hire” her upon seeing that she’s not very normal. Sorry, I didn’t explain that. I know that the Texas Workforce Commission has access, but I didn’t feel like researching how unemployment works in Ohio, so I just went the library application route. Dani’s story isn’t over yet, so you’ll definitely find out how life went for her.

They function as a community, one for all and all for their cause. People can do anything when they work together even create monsters and killers.

People who lead abusive lifestyles often see their behavior as normal. Hence arguments TO THIS DAY of “My mom beat me and I turned out fine” or “People are this way because they don’t get beat enough.” Contrary to the cases upon cases of research and information that hitting children only causes trauma. Now, generally - children of abuse do NOT turn out to be killers and horrible criminals. Some go on to be kind humans and productive members of society... But even those generally have to address the trauma that was caused by their toxic environments.

Inevitably we know the fate of the hospital but in the other stories we never hear of the other characters. I hope they get the help they need wherever they go.

I have stories plotted out for most of the ones that we know. It’s gonna be a moment to get to some of them, but I’ll try not to drop the ball, completely.

Stevie was angry with Bukowski for hurting his Bust it Baby- learning so much. I had to look that up. That is Cheri by every definition if not now then later. She is well on her way. That exchange was cute the way Cheri acted.

Bust It Baby Pt 2 was ONE OF MY FAVES in the club. (Telling my age, now. LOL) But, THEY would have been teens/kids around that time, so I didn’t feel bad referencing that mug. Bwahahaha. Cheri DEFINITELY becomes all of that for Stevie. But, yeah - she was a little bashful about it being said in a group setting.

Even Tanisha had to tell him about himself with Stevie. It's like Stevie was punished for all the children, well Mary got to Stacey but Sam was golden. Some couples should not procreate.

I think it took a while for Dwight to comprehend that just because Stacie and Sam ‘turned out okay,’ that didn’t MEAN that he had been blameless in helping to shape Stevie the way that he did. He never saw himself as having anything against Stevie, because he loved him as much as he did the others (or so he thought - he just wasn’t CLOSE to him). And Mama T was able to see that Dwight’s not being close to Stevie affected how he handled him, whether or not he did love him - which she believed and trusted that he did, but she needed him to get that STEVIE needed to believe and trust it.

This Entire Review: I Have a Lot of Responses, Love

Bukowski is blinded by crazy. Any half decent individual would see red flags. DANGER! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! What an idiot. Poetic justice would be if Tesla killed his awhen he drugged and kidnapped her or whatever his chosen crazy decides to do. I just don't see him living after he knocked on that door.

Unfortunately, Bukowski’s time is not yet up. But, he has definitely poked a bear by reaching out to Max. Stevie making deals in an institution with a demon eww. Stevie has his number already, is he blinded by the vajayjay?

Stevie is blinded by both the caviar and his inability to access, the way that he would like to. He’s a teenage boy trying to squeeze quickies in all day in between heavily monitored times. That argument between Stevie and Cheri was like imagining popcorn pop. You know the explosion is coming. When it does your like damned that's some Good popcorn! I kept saying Oh, and scrunching up my face like Stevie's next words are gonna get him smacked and then he did it. He said the ultimate, ONE word that is complete Taboo in anger no less. *SMACK* ! Round two lol!

Stevie often feels attacked when nobody is attacking him. I blame Dwight for this, because Stevie spent most of his life feeling like he had to explain and defend himself, to the point where his mentality is paranoid and he thinks that he has to fight whenever a conflict or challenge arises. Cheri is not a violent person, but whenever she gets angry (Teenage Cheerio) will lash out, because she’s in a position where she can’t just go to the spa or have a smoothie. She’s relaxed more later because she has the freedom to simply escape for a moment. Here, she’s a caged bird. Cheri is hella patient with him and I get it. I have had to explain blackness to other races, as if EVERY race and EVERY culture and EVERY class does not have their own innuendoes and humor. Even his Arian idiot family. Like the lady at work told my coworker with at straight face 'Don't all y'all like fried chicken? I said what did you do? My coworker said I took a deep breath and saidNo! And what you just said is considered racist. Of course she asked how? My coworker said she just walked away. I probably would have a. been patient and broke it down, or b. said ungh hungh just like all y'all like caviar and filet minion. Just would depend on my mood but Cheri is time enough for Stevie. Most of how she handles Stevie I agree with.

I don’t. It’s not my job to bear the burden of educating people who (if they gave a fuck) could access resources to educate themselves. I made those mistakes when I was younger, and that shit was nothing but additional emotional labor added to the constant processes I had to go through, throughout the day in my black ass skin. I watch racists getting beat up for being trash on YouTube all the time. That’s handling that I agree with.Lol. Now there is no way in hell any man would not take Derek's behavior as a challenge or threat. I felt like he was trying to purposely show Stevie he could reach Cheri in a way Stevie could not and do things with Cheri that Stevie could not just to put it in Stevie's face then try and hide behind a smile and laughter like he didn't have an agenda. Even if he doesn't like her like that he KNEW Cheri was with Stevie. He should have acted accordingly. I think Derek was trying to be sneaky. Yes Stevie is a jelly monster and he is territorial and possessive but that is Stevie. Like Mason calling Cheri Ri Ri then correcting himself in front of Stevie. Mason is not deliberately trying to poke the bear. He calms all that down in front of Stevie and Stevie eventually learns that Cheri has to have other friends. I don't think that was Derek's mind set, befriend Cheri and Stevie. He just liked having the attention sounds like from everyone, in a mental hospital. Stevie is not stupid. Cheri is a little Naïve I think, especially when she meets Max. To me she made a couple mistakes with that. Trust no one. Describe new people in addition to looking up tags.

This is highly problematic, in my opinion, for many reasons, all of which - I’ll respectfully address. Firstly, any man or person in general that takes the friendship of someone else with their partner as a threat is toxic, and possibly abusive. Control and possessiveness are not key points of love. They are key points of obsession and obsession is almost always dangerous when it involves people as the object.

I don’t think that I wrote anything to indicate that Derek was in any way trying to challenge or compete with Stevie, so that feeling seems to be some internalized antiblackness or at the very least, sympathy for the devil - in this case, that’d be Stevie. Because HE was wrong and he reacted. There is nothing wrong with a black kid getting attention from people or trying to impress or please people, so I’m not sure why that would be considered poking the bear or purposefully trying to upset Stevie.

They are ALL in the mental hospital, and while Stevie definitely isn’t STUPID, he certainly is psychotic. He’s not always right. Even his instincts are frequently off, at this juncture of his life and it isn’t the responsibility of a black boy, who is here for his own mental health to coddle Stevie and think about all the ways that he may or may not be offending him by being generally friendly to everyone around him, which is literally all Derek does in this chapter. I only wrote him making jokes and being jovial, up until the point that Stevie threatened him, out of paranoia, after being told multiple times that he shouldn’t bother with it.

And Cheerio is definitely naive, but that also doesn’t mean that she should have had all the answers as to why not to suspect everybody that she met. She did her part to try to keep herself safe, and of course, Max would have had avenues set up as to not tip her off. He’s been trained to deceive. Saying that she made some mistakes sounds a little bit victim blaming to me, especially considering that she followed the rules that were given to her, and whenever she was abducted, she was run off of the road and taken. She hadn’t met up with him in the woods, or something.

She was extremely paranoid (affecting her mental state and her peace of mind), because of everything that they had told her and she had no way of knowing that someone who’s information came back clean was someone else. I feel like this must be stated - Max doesn’t just LOOK like Max Giardi when he greets her. He’s not going up to her looking like somebody that she could Google and she’s just put her thumb in her butt and calls it a coincidence. He’s tactical. He purposefully entered her world. He wouldn’t do it in a way that any normal person would notice that anything off, much less someone that he would presume has been told to look out for him.

Bonus Face Claim:

Ashlee Brian as Derek (Originally a dance crew member in “The End of Twerking” episode.

#Steerio Hearts Stuff & Stuff #Notes #My writing #Replies #AU Glee Fanfiction #FCs

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skin-gods · 6 years ago

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one of the worst episodes I’ve ever had

So its been a week since my psychotic episode started and tonight (well 4am) I’m feeling more “normal”. Like I can think more logically instead of getting scared by my thoughts putting me further down that painful place. It’s been a hell of a ride. It’s probably not over yet but I thought I should vent because I can think and talk and type properly (not 100% but getting there) so I thought I should take the chance. While I was ill I attempted a lot of self destructed things which I won’t go into here. It has been a really scary time. I also can’t remember much since it started.

I have kept switching to this broken childlike self, needing a comfort object like a teddy and blanket at all times and not thinking rationally whatsoever even though I think I am at the time if that makes sense.I got into my head that I was being mind controlled and the FBI were stalking and watching me because I was an alien. I know its crazy and stupid but that’s what psychosis and schizo disorders do to you. I have smashed up my walls, there’s dozens and dozens of holes put through them and debris everywhere. 4 days ago I spent £500 pounds in 3 hours. Majority on christmas presents and trinkets, and I also spent nearly £70 on japanese soft toys. Seriously. I now have 92p to my name lol

Staff wanted to take me to hospital but I just refused. I couldn’t bear the thought of going. THere was absolutely no way that was happening. Instead my mental health workers from foxrush visited me and gave me emergency medication. For some reason staff didn’t lock them in my cabinet so I was left with myself and I ate all ten of the diazepam. No regrets lol. But I got into trouble and they made me ring 111.

I hadn’t left the house since about a week or so ago and I didn’t want to but I was so low on food earlier and I just sweets. There is a shop literally a few yards away from me but I was terrified to go. I couldn’t ask staff to come with me because there’s only 1 on a saturday night. But I managed to after a few attempts. Only thing is as I was walking back I was so scared and a car full of lads revved their engine and shouted something at me. I just burst into tears in the middle of the street, I just couldn’t stop crying, and people were asking if I was okay but I just had to get inside as soon as I could. I couldn’t look or speak to anyone.

The voices are still harassing me constantly and hallucinating and I’m still battling the thoughts that don’t make sense/that aren’t mine. I’m still not well but I’m gonna enjoy this little wave of slight rationality while it lasts. I just had to get this off my chest. I’ll tag this post so I don’t trigger anyone. I hate that word lol but ya get me

#TW #psychosis #schizophrenia

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comicteaparty · 7 years ago

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July 12th, 2018 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on July 12th, 2018, from 5PM - 7PM PDT. The chat focused on The Guide to a Healthy Relationship by Dani .

Featured Comment:

Chat:

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

COMIC TEA PARTY START!

Good day everyone~! This week’s Comic Tea Party is now officially beginning~! Today we are discussing The Guide to a Healthy Relationship by Dani~! (https://tapas.io/series/TGtaHR) For those new or in need of a reminder, discussions about the comic are freeform, so please feel free to bring up whatever you wish. However, every 30 minutes I will be dropping in a discussion question to help those who would like a prompt. These questions are totally OPTIONAL to answer, and you can pay them no mind if you wish. If you miss out on any though, they’ll be pinned for the duration of the chat once they��re posted~! Remember, constructive criticism is allowed, but the primary focus here is to have fun and appreciate the amazing comics that the community makes~! As a bonus, each chat a top comment will be picked and featured in the archives and on an ad for CTP! All that being said, let’s get started and have a great discussion!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

snuffysam

i don't know why, but the scene where apollo is asking around and trying to find julian really stuck with me. it's not the most artistically vivid scene (there are quite a few of those), but that one stood out.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

anything particular that made it stand out to you? just asking out of curiosity cause honestly i barely remember that scene just because its not the most artisticially vivid(edited)

snuffysam

i'm not sure. i think apollo realizing he wasn't crazy in seeing julian the other night made me feel, like, emotions.

turnish

Really any scene with Julian that exhibits his psychosis are ones that I particularly like Like, I find it very relatable and the art just perfectly displays what that Actually Feels Like imo

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Hello!

snuffysam

the way the art reflects mental states in general is incredibly well done

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Just wanted to pop in and say hi.

turnish

I agree

snuffysam

hi justin

turnish

Hi!

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

hi justin

yeah i have to agree with turnish that my fave scenes are probably the ones showing julian's mental problems. although i think the one that sticks with me the most is the one where julian is talking to a younger version of himself and his younger version is calling him lazy. i feel like its a great blend of mental illness but kind of normal self esteem issues perhaps. in that he does seem kind of sick yet here his younger self is berating him. @snuffysam thats a fair point. i did feel emotions when it turned out apollo was indeed not crazy. XD

turnish

HH YEAH that was like a punch to the gut

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

If I had to say anything about this comic, it's got a really nice traditional artstyle and all the detail in the characters populating the pages

And some great BG work too

DanitheCarutor

Hello everyone! I'm the creator of 'The Guide to a Healthy Relationship', I'll be helping my ma out with dinner so I won't be on much, but just wanted to pop in to say hi and answer any questions and such whenever possible.

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Hi Dani!

snuffysam

hi dani!

turnish

Hi!

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

thanks for coming dani~!

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Great to have ya here~

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

yes. i really like the day of time reflections. particularly i think the way night is portrayed is really spectacular. https://tapas.io/episode/804141 like that page. youve got the light glow effects going on, you have some excellent reflections on the door that really make it look like night. its just all really well done.

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Yes

it's all very well done

especially the glow from the sity

snuffysam

the colors and lighting are just incredible

in general

turnish

i reread it today entirely bc my brain is Crap and i don’t remember stuff well but man i agree

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

lol

snuffysam

yeah i probably should have done that lol

turnish

The night is still young

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

indeed

I wonder how you do sunsets cause I have a soft spot for epic sunsets

turnish

tbh big same

snuffysam

I like how the colors are shaded with completely different colors most of the time (e.g. a blue shirt has orange shading). that's super cool to me. something that very few artists do.

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Same

Colored shading alone is awesome when done right

turnish

color theory is so important

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

and it also brings out the colors themselves

snuffysam

it also helps capture that feel of night time. which is when most of this story takes place.

turnish

yeah! agreed

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

This is a cool looking comic all around

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

yeah there are really just great color choices all around. i especially like the contrasts. cause one of my biggest issues with traditionally colored comics is theres not usually enough contrasts. so everything kind of winds up looking muted and its hard to tell things apart from one another. but i feel this comic doesnt have that problem at all

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

and all in traditional too!

and I second that

MathTans the Pun ��Prince👑

I made it. ^^ I'm inclined towards the Julian scenes too, though I actually liked the scene where he was doing his janitor stuff and tidying up, making things sparkling. In retrospect, it was nice to see him (seemingly) taking pride in something.

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Hey Math!

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Also, I'm very impressed by going the traditional route with such a blend of colours.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

QUESTION 2. Given he was supposed to be dead, Julian’s appearance in Apollo’s life opens up many questions. First off, do you believe this is indeed Julian, or do you have reason to doubt this claim? What do you think Julian meant by telling Apollo that, “his friend is dead?” Was it just a way to get Apollo to leave, or is there a deeper meaning? Where do you think Julian has been all this time? Throughout, we also see that Julian has both physical and implied mental health problems. Do you believe this has something to do with his appearance? Do you think Julian dealt with these problems all his life or are they a new development? Lastly, where do you think Julian came from considering Apollo relays they pretty much found him in a bag?

DanitheCarutor

Ah! Thank you all! Seeing the positive reactions to Julian's mentally ill scenes is really encouraging. I've been doing a lot of research on the subject since I've never experienced it myself, and it's tough to know when it's being done well. Also I feel so bad for having Julian ruin that emotional scene with Apollo, slamming the door in his face was kind of a mood killer. Lol. @Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨ A sunset scene is going to be coming up in a couple pages, so we'll all see how that turns out. xD I've never drawn a sunset before.

DanitheCarutor

Sorry! I type a lot, and I type slow.

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

SUNSET SCENE CONFORMED

and that's alright!

snuffysam

I think Julian metaphorically died when... something happened to him. Don't know what.

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

I think there's a deeper meaning in that the person he was doesn't exist any more. Though honestly, I'm not sure they were as good of friends as Apollo thinks; Julian seemed to keep to himself even then.

snuffysam

Julian was a nice person to Apollo, but I'm not sure if he ever really liked him.

turnish

when reading “your friend is dead” I chose to interpret that as the Julian Apollo once knew no longer exists, and Julian considers himself a different person now. or he’s running away from his past

i think i made the same point as math whoops

snuffysam

in terms of where he came from, i'd imagine russia, because he only spoke russian

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

It may be worth saying that, as a 40 year old teacher, I don't think I'm the demographic for this comic. Every time I see Apollo I kind of want to get in his face and shout "shape up man!". If he was as oblivious now as he was in the past, I kind of get why Julian would want to move on from his old life.

snuffysam

yeah honestly i get why julian wouldn't be too psyched about seeing apollo again. he's kind of a difficult person to have in your life.

especially if you have your own mental health problems to deal with

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

i feel apollo is a bit self involved and just wouldnt notice julian's suffering. so while julian was there to care for apollo, apollo wouldnt notice when someone needed to care for julian persay

snuffysam

i second that

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

I think Julian saying something to the effect of "I don't have what you need" kind of emphasizes that.

That time Apollo jumped out of the bushes.

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Lol, Prince

I lost it when you brought up "shape up man!"

snuffysam

i wouldn't want to go back to that kind of one-sided relationship either tbh

DanitheCarutor

Aw man, those are really good questions, with some really good answers! I won't confirm much because I like things being left open for interpretation, but Apollo is 100% a moron. Also I don't mind throwing it out that he's a homeschool kid, so no social skills.

turnish

I love a moronic boy

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

tbf i could also see the hes dead mean something deeper. like maybe julian was in an accident and lost part of his memories. like all the good memories of apollo and just remembers the shitty times.

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Also "Get off my lawn". (Your drunk ass is scaring the squirrels.)

snuffysam

that's awfully convenient re: losing all positive memories of someone

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Interesting, so I guess Julian was homeschooled too? Since they grew up together?

(Also, for a moment I read that as "Apollo is 100% a mormon" and I did a double take.)

snuffysam

yeah that doesn't exactly fit with most of the stuff he's done lol

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Rebel: Maybe? I kind of feel like Julian might have faked his death to get away from creditors and people who just generally were treating him lousy though. But maybe things didn't go as planned.

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Perhaps

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

What's kind of interesting is how Apollo has problems too, with his eyesight, so you'd think he'd be able to empathize a bit with Julian having his own issues. But it does seem like he doesn't have much experience with that.

snuffysam

empathy and sympathy both seem to be problems for apollo

DanitheCarutor

Math: Lmao! Oh no, not a mormon! But for the homeschool question, nah. Julian is a public school kid, they hung out almost 24/7 but they grew up in different environments with Julian staying in an orphanage and Apollo living in a fancy house.

snuffysam

especially when it comes to julian

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Ahhh, interesting. I think I misunderstood and thought he'd been adopted like a brother. That adds an interesting element of class to things too.

Apollo is very much "live in the moment". I would not want him doing my tax returns.

snuffysam

the fancy homeschool tutors may have neglected to teach him, like, responsibility

going back to what rebel said - were there any positive memories of apollo julian had to begin with?

like, even apollo's recap at the beginning paints himself in a bad light

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

probably. homeschool can be pretty lax from what i hear. so apollo's education in general might have sucked.

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Maybe they went sledding together.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

and yeah its possible that julian doesnt have positive memories

albeit there must of been a reason julian chose to ahng out with apollo

snuffysam

though that may have something to do with apollo's mental state making himself out to be worse than he was

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

and why julian didnt make an effort to move farther away

cause if i didnt want someone to find me i would not be living in driving distance of them

snuffysam

maybe he couldn't move further. relocating is hard

especially if you don't have financial means

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

true but he has had something like 5 years to make arrangements. i think 5 years. its years at least. but it really all depends where he was. it could be that hes been in the hospital or something

or a mental hospital

DanitheCarutor

Misunderstandings is totally understandable, a lot of stuff in the comic is very vague right now, and some of it will only be shown in snippets. I can't say much, but Julian does have some positive memories, there's just not many and it's harder to focus on the good over the bad.

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Yea

DanitheCarutor

Also as a homeschool student myself, the education does suck. I pretty much cheated my way through middle school because my teacher was a Christian booklet.

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Oh really?

That's... interesting

DanitheCarutor

Oo! Since this isn't super important, Julian and Apollo actually grew up in Ohio in a town based of Newark. When Apollo "grew up" he moved to a city in California based of a mix of San Diego and LA.

snuffysam

is it possible julian faked his own death specifically to get rid of apollo for a while? like, he didn't have the capacity to take care of him anymore, so he just cut him out of his life.

lol "grew up" in quotes

so yeah, julian may not have known where apollo was, and didn't intend to be in the same city as him

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

man now thats got to be the shittiest coincidence

julian is like "im free from apollo oh shit wait theres apollo"

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

No kidding

snuffysam

yeah, but looking at julian's reaction - he clearly did not intend to run into apollo any time soon

DanitheCarutor

"and Julian's evening was ruined" -ugly cry-

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

i wonder if apollo just didnt even know how julian "died." like one day whoever took care of julian was just like "nah man he dead" and apollo just made a goofy face and accepted it

QUESTION 3. Despite most definitely being adult, protagonist Apollo is a little bit immature. Why do you believe Apollo is so irresponsible? Is it just his personality, or are his habits a way to avoid certain aspects of his life? Do you think his ocular albinism plays a role in why he acts the way he does? Do you think it will be good for Apollo to reconnect with Julian, or will the events of the past send Apollo into a downward spiral? What do you think Daniel’s role will be in Apollo’s life? Lastly, what do you think it will take for Apollo to get his life together a bit more?

snuffysam

if his ocular albinism plays into his irresponsibility, it's only as an excuse. "well, i can't see normally. better get sloshed!"

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

(Sorry, sometimes I have to dash off if the little one is crying.) Oh, being away in a mental hospital would be an interesting development.

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

snuffysam

i think apollo just has serious issues with self control. he started out with alcohol and drugs to get away from some aspects of his life, and then it just got worse from there.

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Snuffy: I don't know about that. If he's sensitive to daylight, it makes sense that he'd be out and about at night, which is when the parties happen.

snuffysam

true, that may be a source of some temptation. but if he was healthier, that wouldn't be a problem.

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

But yeah, agree about the self control thing. Guy doesn't know when to say "no". Also doesn't seem to know a good thing when he has it.

Fair. I don't think he eats from the proper food groups.

snuffysam

i meant mentally but yes

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Can't help you feel active.

Like, if you're always eating junk food I mean.

Ahh, gotcha.

snuffysam

he doesn't have much of a support channel to help him with his issues, and a lot of the people who do try and help him out don't like him very much because of the whole personality thing

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

i think the ocular albinism does play a role. cause as someone who is awake all night, there is nothing to do outside. like the options are go to dennys, go to waffle house, go to walmart, or go to a bar. so i think it more than increases the temptation for apollo. it hampers a lot of paths to recovery.

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Is it cool to bring up Daniel? Because he's such an interesting counterpoint.

I cannot see Apollo as a greeter at Wal-Mart.

snuffysam

his boss puts up with so much from apollo, it's a wonder she hasn't fired him

DanitheCarutor

Math: Sure! He's going to be in the comic a lot more from this chapter on.

Apollo really does have control issues, it'll come up why later but he's never had an issue with getting whatever he wanted as a kid.

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Oh cool~

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

they dont have greeters at night. in fact i think the greeters all leave before 8pm at the latest

yeah apollo's boss deserves a boss of the year award

cause man

i wouldve fired apollo 10 billion years ago

turnish

Ahhh Apollo’s boss deserves the most

snuffysam

and his other coworkers too. who was the woman he asked for help and then called a slur? galia?

DanitheCarutor

Rebel: Yeah, being awake at night sucks. I used to be a night owl, waking up at noon and staying up till 4am. There isn't anything to do, at least anything that's a good idea.

Yup, that's her name! Poor Galia, she's only been in the comic a couple times so far and it sucked for her.

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

I'm hoping Daniel can get through to Apollo. Challenge him without going so far as putting him off.

turnish

Same here Math

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

i feel at the very least daniel will openly pull up his flaws in a way others dont. cause the others say it with anger and derision and lots of ppl just flat out tune out criticism at that point. where as i feel daniel would be the one whod be like "hey apollo maybe you should clean up your place some?"

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Or maybe Apollo will just want to, so that his date doesn't get a bad impression.

Cuz the Apollo/Daniel ship is sailing.

turnish

heh

snuffysam

yeah, i think that's going to be one of the major themes coming up. trying to reconnect with julian isn't healthy - julian doesn't want anything to do with apollo, and he has his own physical and mental issues to deal with without taking care of apollo. meanwhile daniel will push apollo (either wittingly through calling him out, unwittingly through apollo wanting to get better for him, or both) to get healthier and turn his life around

whether apollo goes into a downward spiral or begins recovery depends on which path he chooses

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

It's a good point though, Rebel, about how to get across criticism.

I wonder if maybe Daniel starting to spiral down would help shock Apollo to his senses?

snuffysam

in that, apollo drags down everyone around him with his toxicity?

could happen, but i hope not. i like daniel.

DanitheCarutor

Oh man, I'm loving the Daniel discussion! He'll definitely be challenging Apollo in one way or another.

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Maybe Daniel starting to date Julian will shock Apollo to his senses.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

i believe in daniel to be self confident enough to fall down apollo's hole. but on the opposite turn i do think julian will be important for apollo cause i think only julian can point out some of apollo's flaws from the past and give apollo pause. tho im not quite sure how outside of giving apollo more clarity of the things julian is dealing with

snuffysam

daniel can even use the perfect pickup line that he's been saving for such an occasion

"i like my men like i like my alcohol - russian, and found in a bag"

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

11/10

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Okay, you win with that one.

snuffysam

julian can point out problems that apollo has had since childhood, but question is, will he want to?

or will he just want to keep apollo out of his life?

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Back on the question of why Apollo is so irresponsible, I think it comes from his position of privilege. His parents probably made sure that he never suffered real consequences from his actions.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

i feel julian wont succeed in keeping apollo out of his life because 1) apollo is apollo and 2) julian's young ghost self is telling him to not be lazy and i think julian will give in to that for a while

snuffysam

yeah it absolutely stems from that

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

A restraining order might be needed to keep Apollo out of his life. ^^

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

and yeah i agree with math, i think apollo has no real concept of consequences

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Napples agrees too.

snuffysam

where are apollo's parents anyway? do they know what's happened to their son's life?

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Do they care?

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

they might not care? or they might not know. cause apollo does not seem the type to call home frequently and i doubt their once in a blue moon phone calls consist of apollo saying "yeah i got wasted every night this week"

cause consequence conscious or not thats just not a thing i think any kid would talk to his parents about XD

QUESTION 4. The comic’s title, “The Guide to a Healthy Relationship,” seems rather revealing of the story at hand. What does the title mean to you exactly? How do you think the story will live up to that title? Furthermore, the three chapter titles (“Hypomania,” “Monophobia,” and “Psychosis”) all share a theme of mental issues. Does this change how you interpret the title at all or how you interpret the story itself (whether the entire story or a specific chapter’s content)? What role do you think these titles play in regards to the mental illnesses we’ve seen in the story so far? Finally, do you feel the story is about relationships with others, relationships with ourselves, both, or something else entirely?

snuffysam

yeah there's a reason i've been referring to things as healthy and unhealthy all night lol

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

for me personally i feel the title is both about relationships with others and with ourselves. tho i lean more towards the latter if i had to pick one. because of how apollo treats his own self.

snuffysam

yeah, having a healthy relationship with yourself seems like a big theme

i also think the unhealthy relationship apollo had with julian growing up will keep coming back

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Wow, I hadn't even picked up on the chapter titles. Hmm, I guess at first my mind went to romantic relationships, but yeah it makes sense to be more friends and such.

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

lol

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

"Guide to a Healthy Relationship - Don't act like Apollo."

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

thats the real lesson we should take away from this

dont be an apollo

be the best daniel you can be

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

I gotta wonder a bit about Apollo's circle of friends too. They seem like real enablers, I wonder if they have day jobs.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

probably. despite their party habits more of them seem to have their crap together perhaps.

tbf tho i think apollo is equally an enabler. so i think its just a circle of friends who see nothing wrong, enable each other, and spiral down and down

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

There is that, yeah.

snuffysam

do they know how bad apollo's life is? or do they just think he's that wild guy who likes to drink on the weekends?

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Speaking of spiralling down, that one panel with the pill on the tongue was cleverly done. Just wanted to get that out there.

I think they believe Apollo's got an amazing life. Bartender with access to free drinks, his own place without a roommate to bug him, the ability to afford random merchandise for thousands of dollars... what's not to like?

snuffysam

true

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

thirded

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

If anything, the search for Julian might be helping to pull Apollo away from the bad influences.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

math has a point

cant be out drinking when youre haunting a school at night

looking for ghost friends

maybe apollo will be like "wow so this is what being sober is like"

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

"I can walk without running into trees. My friends, however..."

snuffysam

though nothing stopping you from drinking before starting the search

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

maybe julian will say something

like "please dont come here reeking of alcohol"

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Julian just needs to keep throwing water into Apollo's face. Like that first time.

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Yeah

Try it like eight more times

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Though the fact that he did reach out there implies that at least part of him doesn't like seeing Apollo down on his luck, perhaps?

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

yeah i dont think julian hates apollo persay. i think hes just tired of dealing with apollo

cause ive dealt with ppl like that

where you dont hate them

but man do you have your own shit going on and theres only so many hours in the day

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Truth.

"And now I have to mop the floor AGAIN, geeeez."

snuffysam

yeah, that's the thing, i think julian does care about apollo, but their relationship is so one-sided that it isn't worth it

DanitheCarutor

The answers about the tirle, and this discussion is soooo gooood! I didn't think anyone would pay that any mind. -sobs- I wish I could spill the beans, some of you guys had some really spot on theories.

turnish

Sorry I’m hella cleaning so I couldn’t participate as much as I wanted to,,rip

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Apollo knows not of this "cleaning".

snuffysam

yeah didn't you learn from the story, turnish? you have to live your life like apollo! that's the moral!

turnish

Dang ur right I should become a slob

shixjdj

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

kek

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Don't lose your glasses though. That's a bad plan.

DanitheCarutor

Yeah, man. Just throw it all on the floor, the nanny will take care of it. Everyone's got one of those, right?

turnish

Man I Wish

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

yeah i store my nanny in my closet when not in use

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Hm, this sequel to Mary Poppins took a NSFW turn...

DanitheCarutor

Ah, I'd suggest storing them in a jar. It's more cost effective.

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Anyway, last remark from me, again impressed by the use of colours and drive to experiment with some different perspectives and the like at times.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

COMIC TEA PARTY END!

Unfortunately, the scheduled Comic Tea Party time is now up~! Thank you everyone so much for reading and joining this week’s chat~! We want to give a special thank you to Dani, as well, for making The Guide to a Healthy Relationship and volunteering it for our reading queue. If you liked the comic, please be sure to support Dani’s efforts however you’re able to. All that being said, if you would like to continue discussing this week’s comic, we highly encourage you to do so~!

For next week, Comic Tea Party will focus on Wednesday7 by Viki Kuli. As always, please use the next several days to read as much of the comic as you would like. We hope to see you next Thursday on July 19th from 5PM to 7PM PDT for the chat~! Until then, happy reading~! Comic: https://tapas.io/series/Wednesday7%20

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #bookclub #book club #webcomic bookclub #webcomic book club #comic bookclub #the guide to a healthy relationship #dani #comic tea party #ctp

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c-elestia · 4 years ago

Text

Hello~ it me.

I'm not using my main personal blog because I don't really want to be identified nor do I want anyone I know finding this. I'm gonna namedrop people but I doubt anyone will find this and if they do ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Eric and I broke up last summer. I'm dating a wonderful guy now. But we've been struggling a lot because I'm unwillingly uprooting a ton of trauma and I am having a REALLY hard time sorting through it and making sense of it all. I feel terrible about how I react to certain situations. They aren't logical reactions and I'm finding it very hard to control them. So I'm going to try to take the time to go through my life & see where the connections are and hopefully make sense of all of it.

If I could pinpoint the start of any sort of trauma, it would be with my dad. It's complicated because he's grown a lot and he's not nearly as bad, but it was a struggle for me to deal with him. The things I remember most when I was a child was when he would be mad at me and refuse to talk to me. I remember there was one night where I gave him attitude and he got mad at me. My friend encouraged me to apologize, which I went out and did. I went to give him a hug, and he pushed me away and told me to go away.

There were many times where my dad would get mad at me and I felt like I was a bad child, so I never left my room. I wouldn't even go downstairs to eat. I would intentionally starve myself because I didn't want to face my parents. I would go days without eating. It was strange because this was all self inflicted - my parents didn't tell me to do this. Something in me wanted to punish myself because I did something wrong. I see myself doing this a lot now that I'm an adult. If I feel like I did something wrong, I jump to withholding something from myself to make up for it. I also remember when my mom got mad at me, I went in my closet & scratched my arms. It was the first time I remember attempting self harm. Again, this wasn't encouraged by my parents - it was completely self inflicted. I don't know why I had these extreme reactions to these things, but that's where I remember this all starting.

Growing up, I was very deprived from affection and validation from my parents, so I searched for it in relationships. My first 'real' relationship was in middle school, when I was 12. I dated a boy named Brian. I legit thought we were gonna get married lol. I can't remember our relationship that well cause I was a kid, but I remember him being really controlling. He wouldn't let me do certain things. I can't remember what or why, but that's all I really remember. He wasn't that bad, honestly. But I felt really restricted when I was with him sometimes.

After that, I started dating Joseph. I think that's when I had more trauma come up in my life. We only dated a few months, but he was obsessed with me. He told me we would get married and we'd be together forever, and I ate that shit up because no one had ever told me that before. I remember he would take me behind the school and try to make out with me and touch me. There were a lot of times where I didn't want to do this, but I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure how to. I remember him telling me not to leave him and that I was his while he was doing this. It was... really disturbing when I think back to it. We ended up breaking up after we had a fight & he didn't want to get back with me afterwards. I was only a kid, but that summer vacation was pretty much one of the worst.

The whole experience was traumatic. I truly believed he wouldn't leave because he was the first guy who said he wouldn't, and then he left. I would have flashbacks of us behind the school and have panic attacks. I actually think that's the first time I remember experiencing panic attacks. It was bad...

It took me a while to get over him. Honestly, I don't think I did fully until recently. Anyway - after that, I started dating this guy named Kyle. I met him online and we were an LDR relationship. We dated for about a year and a half I think? He was fine, the only thing that was stressful was that when I wanted to break up with him, he threatened to hurt or kill himself if I left. That was hard, but I was able to leave him without any traumatic repercussions.

I started dating Isaac after that. We dated for about three years. He was pretty much there while I was going through the worst of my mental health. This was when the psychosis, multiple personalities, anger/depression/anxiety was at it’s worst. He tried his best but we fell out. He was ok. He had anger issues which didn’t help. We had a lot of fights that included a lot of yelling and crying and him punching his wall, breaking things, all that ~fun~ stuff. He never put a hand on me but he would take out his anger on objects and that scared me a lot. The only trauma I really got from him was getting scared whenever someone raised their voice at me or they were angry at me.

After that, I started dating Skyler. We weren’t together for that long, but he went to boot camp & and we weren’t sure if we would stay together after he joined the military. After he graduated from boot camp, he ignored me for a couple weeks and then broke up with me. I was at the height of my stress for multiple reasons, and that was the tipping point. I tried to kill myself after he broke up with me. Ended up in the hospital for a week during Christmas ~all that fun stuff~

I got involved with Joseph again. I was an idiot and believed his lies again. He said he wanted to make me happy and regretted how he treated me while he was younger. He just wanted one more chance to make me happy and be together for real, now that we were older. And I ATE that shit up, like before.

We had sex a few times and apparently he lost feelings a few months while we were talking. lol. cool.

It took me a long time for me to get over him, a huge roller coaster of him using me for his own benefit and believing he became a better person, only to realize he was the same shitty scumbag. Because of Joseph I am TERRIFIED of getting used or getting played by someone I love.

Also.... Brian from my Year Up cohort - we weren’t dating and I wasn’t attracted to him, but he pretty much bullied me while we were friends & then sexually assaulted me at a party, and then blocked me & continued to hang out with our mutual friends, and refused to give me any closure. That doesn’t need any explanation why that was traumatic.

FINALLY... we reach Eric. He was the most abusive, yet it was not as noticeable as the others. We were together the longest. Ended up getting married. He was also there while I went through a lot of mental health struggles. I was still dealing with multiple personalities and anger/anxiety/depression. I was not the best partner to him, I will admit that. It took me a really long time to improve myself. but he wasn’t perfect, either. He cheated on me and did things that he knew would make me uncomfortable multiple times.

He would say he wanted to be there for me, but would get mad at me if I reached out for support and accused me for being the reason he didn’t have free time. He would refuse to acknowledge what I did for him and refused to let me help him, and felt like he was doing most of the work in the relationship. EVERY TIME I approached him with something, he would get defensive and refuse to come up with a solution or somehow turn it on me. I literally do not remember a single instance where we communicated in a healthy way because he was so hard to work with.

Whenever we had a bad argument (if I felt like he did something that upset me) it would somehow turn into me comforting him because he would tell me how worthless and shitty he was and how I should leave him. Typing that out right now really sucks because I realize I have a habit of doing that now, and maybe it helps to know that this is where it may have come from.

He would say everything was his fault yet at the same time, he had this way of making me feel like everything was my fault... even at the end of our relationship he basically said us breaking up was my fault. It doesn’t make sense, but I can’t help but listen to him because that’s all I’ve been used to for years. I can’t help but feel guilty for literally everything I do.

Wow... that was a lot. I have a lot of history of trauma, and I don’t think I even captured everything, but this is most of it. I’m gonna add a TL;DR just so I can organize my thoughts.

Trauma list of fun:

Parents: Did not give me a lot of validation/affection/encouragement, probably contributed to my low self esteem & craving affection from other parties. Would punish myself as a child whenever I felt like I did something bad (not eating/scratching myself.) Dad ignored me a lot and refused to talk to me when I did something that made him angry. Probably why getting ignored makes me anxious.

Joseph: lol this boy fucked me up BIG TIME. Was the first guy that told me we’d be ~together 5ever~ (was a total lie.) Major lovebombing. Did things to me without my full consent. Because of that, I started having panic attacks and flashbacks of traumatic experiences for the first time. After we grew up, used me for sex or when he was lonely and would lovebomb me when I started to get distant so I would get pulled back in.

Isaac: Was ok. He had anger issues so I get anxious or scared whenever someone gets violent or raises their voice at me.

Skyler: Ignored me for weeks without an answer whether or not we were still together. Ended up breaking up with me. Also probably why me getting ignored makes me anxious bc I’m always assuming it’s something bad

Brian: ...sexual assault

Eric: Also fucked me up big time :^) Gaslit me constantly, made me feel crazy, made me question everything, made me feel like everything was my fault and he was doing all the work, did things behind my back. I adored this guy and thought he was great, only for him to abuse me in the background in subtle ways. He left me without saying goodbye which made my abandonment issues SO MUCH WORSE.

List of common triggers, maybe?:

-Getting ignored

-Language that feels like I am being blamed

-People raising their voice at me

-People being violent near me

-Any sense that someone is going to abandon me

This is a good start so far. I’ve sorted out a lot and can see a few patterns. I’ll need to think about what people can do to help me and how I can help myself.

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ajokeformur-ray · 7 years ago

Note

Can I get a break down of all your black butler request/headcanons etc.?

Newest to oldest

Would Sebastian still accept a s/o that doesn't want children?

Dear Sebastian, would you ask a girl's parents if you can court her or ask her yourself?

Can you do something for Edward Midford? The plot being along the lines of him finding out the phantomhive servants are assassins. It would be much appreciated.

Matchup

May I please have jealous/possessive Claude and Sebastian hcs, please? Like where their s/o has an/multiple admirer(s) or something of that nature :)

Dear Sebastian, do you like cuddling with your s/o and doing the things that they enjoy doing?

Sebastian Michaelis one shot please? The reader is a female demon- an assassin- worked on commission and was sent to get rid of Ciel Phantomhive's pesky butler by an unknown third party... only to realise mid battle that they've known and been involved with each other a long time ago... And Sebastian suddenly decides he wants to keep this rare cat-demon... I would love to have some humour thrown in... I just made up the request as I went on- so excuse me if it's bizarre..

Matchup

I almost forgot, but!! Some nsfw HC's about how Seb would return the affection that his S/O ravished on him? ^^ 💕💕

Matchup

Dear Mr Phantomhive, I'm sorry if I'm intruding but I'm so curious I feel as if I need to know! What do you look for in a possible, future s/o appearance and personality? Thank you ever so much, Lu!

Matchup

How would Joker and Dagger react to their S/O dying their hair in an unnatural hair color? (I mean, like, bright pink, not those mainstream dark purple and stuff). Take your time, I love your blog! xx

HC's on how you and Ciel would love on Seb~? Separately as well as together? ^_^ 🖤💙✨ Seb needs all the love from all the beans~!! 💗

Ok at the end of my last commission, you had Sebby fall asleep, and that's always sooooo cute~!! So can we get a scenario of s/o and Ciel waking up when he's still asleep, watching him sleep, and watching him start to wake up~? ^_^ 💕💕💕

Self ship

Matchup

Hello sweety. I've been gone a long time. Wondering if we could get some more platonic Sebastian and mistress headcannon? :) As always, take your time. Thank you in advance.

Headcannons for Ciel having a rebellous s/o? (ILOVEYOUANDYOURBLOGDSHtBI)

Erika, what would Sebastian and Ulquiorra think of me and my blogs?

How would Sebastian react if he realized whenever he's away with some criminal business with Ciel or anything, his s/o can't sleep nor eat anything because she's afraid something bad can happen to him?

Crossover for Black Butler and Supernatural. Ciel and Sebastian are rogue demons who indirectly shaped Hell into what it is and changed the whole contract system; 10 year time limit, demon/human interaction, demon form appearance, souls being collected by hellhounds, etc. So, they live in the 21st century and mind their own business, despite being a danger to both Hell and Heaven because of Ciel being a human who became a demon. What if these two met with the Winchester brothers?

For a very long time, I've been thinking of a Harry Potter and Black Butler crossover. Especially after the Weston Arc. Imagine, Ciel and Sebastian in Hogwarts under cover. Ciel is a student and Sebastian is the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. I'm wondering about the relationship between Sebastian and Snape mainly. They are very similar, but also very different. Can you analyze the interaction and relationship between Snape and Sebastian, and then Ciel and Draco since he's like Alois?

Headcanons of Sebastian with an INFJ s/o please.

Matchup

How would Ciel, Lizzy, and Sebastian would react if Their s/o blamed themselves for their sister or brothers death because they believed they should die for committing a sin (killing an innocent person during their manic) and not them and believed everything around them is turning into ashes? Would they confront? Get someone to cheer them up?

Vincent bringing home a woman to meet Ciel to be his nanny/teacher and the woman is a witch who teaches Ciel how to protect himself from Angels and Demons? Please? Plus Vincent asks Ciel if he would like her to be his mother? QWQ

Matchup

Scenario of Sebastian's S/O begin him for death to come please? Thanks in advance!

How would Sebastian deal with his s/o that is afraid of their own mind? They dont want to be bored or be left alone because of the crazy and inhuman things that they think about.

Matchup

(im not even sure if i sent in something like this before but oh well) Can i get a scenario and possibly some headcanons too of Sebastian finding out his s/o has a black soul wrapped in layers of white.

Could you write about how the Undertaker would react to finding out his chubby s/o has medical scars ( for example I have a pink scar from surgery across my belly) and finding out they are self conscious about it? I'm sorry if that's too much! I just love your writing! You are amazing!❤️

Matchup

Could you headcanons for how Ronald Knox would react to someone hardcore flirting with him

Hello, I was wondering if I could get a few nsfw hc about Sebastian (bb) either in general or x a female demon s/o and in their doing something sexual she prefers to be dominant but will be submissive at times? (I'm sorry if this seems like a odd request, feel free to ignore if you don't like it but thank you for reading my request :) )

Hello this is my final ask for now, but I was wondering if I couldget a imagine for Sebastian x female reader who LOVES horror movies and unlike most people who gets creped out she absolutely loves them and likes to try and figure out why the serial killers kills and gets mildly irritated when the characters make a stupidmistake that could have been avoidedAnd if there's a demon hound/cat she finds it oddlycute when its first shown. Also accidentally lets out a giggle if something stupid happens

Hello can I get a HC for Sebastian x female reader who has a seriously terrifying temper, as she doesn't loose it often and tends to bottle up her anger, so when she is finally letting go of her anger you don't want to be near her. (I.e.one time she had to be physically restrained by three people and a locked car to prevent her from unintentionally killing someone who had caused her family so much pain and tore them apart)(sorry if the type of anger above makes you uncomfortable to write)

Self-ship

What would happen if Sebastian meets Whisper (from Yokai Watch)? Lol, 🤣🤣Just though of it since they're both butlers, well Sebastian moreso lolz. 😆

If you write for him, Scenario (or if you want, headcanons, whichever you prefer) Of what if Ronald Knox accidently fell in love with a human?

Hey can you do one with Ciel and his s/o going to woman's house in order to pretend to be babysitter to get edvience about a case of missing people around the woman's neighborhood but all the way there his lover and him bickered about who will babysitting the baby and they get locked in by the woman? I don't know if this is vague or it is not good for you but I hope it seems right.

Currently went to the pet shelter and fell in love with a black cat called "Mr. Black" but at the same time I also fell in love with a black puppy Called "Blue"! Can I get a scenario with sebastian's s/o pleading with him to let them adopt both? :) I'm both a huge cat/dog lover!

Matchup

Could I request a scenario in which Sebastian and Ciel try to compete for the reader? Like, they try to embarrass each other in front of her, and flaunt their best qualities! Thank you very much!

Matchup

This is like really random, but could you ever see Claude Faustus or Sebastian Michaelis swing dancing? Idk, I just feel like if they existed in like the 40s or the 50s they'd be hella hot XD like badass greasers omg!!!!! When you have the time, could you please do headcanons of this? :) (not them dancing together, but with the reader?)

Matchup

Hmmmmm, hc's for what it'd be like to take a road trip with Seb and Ciel~? Maybe in the summer? ^^ ✨

Ooh ooh idea! Scenario with daddy!Sebby and his kids & s/o (got idea from reading the whole Sebastian and Ciel (separate) family and being fathers headcanon thing. CX)

*deep inhale* All your scenarios with it thus far have been super adorable, sO!! S/O (playfully) put-out with Seb always sneaking up on them to tickle them, and determined to make him let them have a turn to get back at him~? ^_^ Give the cutie a taste of his medicine 🖤

Self-ship

Cuddly Agni after seeing his s/o have an anxiety attack due to being at a large party that Prince Soma hosts

Can I have a scenario of Sebastian and his s\o pull a prank on a girl who has a fear of demons? Sorry if it seems vague.

That Prompt wink wink: Sebastian trying to seduce reader for info, but finding out they're actually ace, and sex-repulsed~ (rip Seb)

Matchup

Can I have a scenario with Ciel dealing with his s/o who has psychosis? I don't know if you like this request or not so...

Oh wow hi look at that they're open~!! : D So maybe some sweet headcanons for how Sebastian would get his s/o ready for bed/put them to sleep~? ^_^ 🖤

I know he isn't the most popular one to ask for but could you maybe write something for Viscount Druitt where he suddenly gets all head over heels over the reader after seeing her on one of auctions and decides to buy her? Could it be serious and sort of dramatic? Thank you so much I love your blog :3

Hiiii! Could you write Sebastian reacting to a girl who's super interested in demons so she goes to the Phantomhive Manor at night to explore it while he's still haunting it? This is a modern au of course :3. Maybe he also knows the girl's fears...

Matchup

Songfic

Agni NSFW headcanons

Matchup

74 BB requests in total.

#maelikimichaelis

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aquarianlights · 7 years ago

Note

Sorry if I ask ... but what does it mean that your birth control implant is failing at you? Is your period back?

Yes. My period is back af. . .like. . .don't wanna be graphic and shit but TRIGGER WARNING(tm), I'm like full on gushing blood and moody af and having psychotic episodes and suicidal ideation is back and so are my urges to cut myself despITE THE FACT THAT I HAVEN'T TOUCHED MY PSYCH MED DOSAGES AT ALL and like headaches af and either tons of sleep or no sleep AND either tons of hunger or no hunger. ALSO life altering cramps that make me unable to get out of bed and like....clots af. It fucKING SUCKS. LIKE KILL ME. JK NO REALLY KILL ME. Uhmmmm......hahaha. Idk. Sorry.But anyways. . .my nexplanon is about to expire in October of this year coz this the 3 year mark but. . .it's not October yet??? Like damn, fam. No chill. :/ Idk if I can get another one coz of an insurance change I recently had (my insurance paid for the last one) but like I don't wanna take it out until I can get a new one put in??? Coz then they'd have to slice my inner arm open twice??? I guess. Idk. But I really need a new one coz this is NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN HOLY FUCK like I got in a baaaaaaaaaaaaad fight with an older family member at a party (I mean older as in she's like at least 45 if not 50+) about pit bulls and accidentally said "It's because of biased people LIKE YOU that insurance rates go up when you adopt a pit bull" coz we were talking about the ridiculous insurance rate thing associated with pitties and she started full on SCREAMING AT ME LIKE "YOU'RE GOING TO INSULT ME IN MY OWN HOME??? MY OWN KITCHEN??? DON'T YOU DARE. YOU ARE PSYCHOTIC (yes she literally used that word) AND YOU HAVE NO RESEARCH AND-" at that point I stopped listening coz I went to my phone to pull up all the research and scholarly articles on this shit coz I've done this before coz I've met someone else who thinks pit bulls are evil and cruel and mean af MERELY BECAUSE THEY ARE PIT BULLS and like I had to be all "here's all this knowledge and research and statistics. You good now, fam??" But like no this lady was just fuckin straight up going off on me because apparently it matters to old people where you argue and arguing in the kitchen is nOT OKAY. Lmao. BUT LIKE the second I turned my phone around to show her some research and point out some good facts and statistics, she walked out the door and was like "You know, it's called agreeing to disagree. You should respect your elders." Like. . .I had only met her 2 times before very briefly so I didn't wanna outright tell her that respect is earned, not given, and that she hasn't done a single thing to deserve my respect yet and stating your job as an ER nurse who has "dealt with dog bites a lot" as a fact and a statistic and like. . .a source??? That's certainly not going to make me respect you. I mean. . .fuck. And even though she was in the wrong for straight up yelling at me and jabbing her finger in my chest and getting all red in the face when I had accidentally said something that I was only supposed to say in my head as an impulsive thought (coz I have no filter whoOPS) and was about to apologize for it and then walking out the door and ignoring any real research on the subject......EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS COMPLETELY IN THE WRONG, my mom is being a literal bitch lately because she's taking all her stress out on me and she was SCREAMING AT ME to apologize when we got home and telling me how disrespectful I am and how immature and all this other shit and basically straight up degrading me and then said "You never apologize first so you're immature." And I was about to list EVERY SINGLE INSTANCE where I have apologized to her over and over and over again throughout my life when she had done something terrible to me and came back in the house/room/car and just acts like NOTHING HAPPENED even if I'm crying and cutting myself or have a handful of pills that I'm about to take coz I'm self destructive af....when I realized that she would do the usual "I don't remember that" or "You're remembering it wrong" thing like literalfam do you want me to start video taping this shit??? Sometimes I get scared she's having dementia episodes because of how old she is and she's "at that age", so to speak, and she screams at me that I'm putting words in her mouth when I remember things....traumatic things.....100% clearly and accurately but then she goes back to acting like nothing ever happened. SO THE POINT IS lmao I'm so sorry run on sentence and no punctuation....SO THE POINT IS.....I just ignored my mom screaming at me and texted my cousin a VERY BRIEF apology to show my family member that she happened to be staying with and also told her I would apologize to her in person the next time I saw her and told her that yeah it was just an agree to disagree thing EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT BECAUSE AS AN ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVIST I AM NOT OKAY WITH PEOPLE BEING BIASED ABOUT PITTIES COZ THEY'VE BEEN "BITTEN BY ONE BEFORE" or just is ignorant af coz like then you're hurting people and SHE WAS LITERALLY LIKE "I don't like yorkies either. Every time they nip at my feet or jump on me, I kick them till they tumble backwards and stay away from me." And then she was like "I mean, if my dog bit someone, I would be like sorry. But at the same time, people who have pit bulls that run all over the place and bite people and such SHOULD have higher taxes and...." God she just went on and on and on and she LITERALLY CALLED ME PSYCHOTIC and that hasn't happened in a good minute, but as a person with an actual psychotic disorder, I was lowkey like "yo......not cool. Chill the fuck out, dude." But at the same time, I was about to fucking cry because a) yelling gives me bad anxiety and sometimes flashbacks, b) BEING IN THE PRESENCE OF IGNORANCE, c) being unable to debate and present my facts clearly coz she was too busy yelling and pointing fingers and d) being called psychotic like YOOOOOO I WAS ABOUT TO GO KILL MYSELF BEFORE THAT GUY CAME AND INTRODUCED HIMSELF AND MADE MY NIGHT 200% BETTER. lmao.But....uh.....what was my point here??? I GUESS my point was that THIS IS ONLY ONE OF MANY EXAMPLES OF WHAT CAN HAPPEN WHEN I'M ON MY PERIOD. Coz....I am 201% chill af and like at least 100% nonconfrontational coz confrontation scares the fuck out of me since I'm a trans guy and people have pulled guns on me for being trans...so I'm like yo...white people....are you gonna pull guns on me for expressing my "liberal ass opinions"??? But when I'm on my period, I have 0% chill and I am always angry or laughing till I cry. . .so like. . .the second I heard something that angered me (angery), I didn't give a fuck that we were in a room full of people. Like, I called that bitch out.Same with one of my many uncles saying the slur word for Chinese people. I legit was like "YO PLEASE DON'T BE FUCKING RACIST" and he was really embarrassed coz yknow he's old and white and he never gets called out on that shit coz people are generally like OLD PEOPLE GET A PASS FOR BEING RACIST COZ THAT'S JUST HOW IT USED TO BE AND THEY ARE OLD AND NEVER GOING TO CHANGE SO WHY BOTHER??? FREE PASS. 🙂 And I'm.....no. I don't ever ever everrrrrrrr let people be racist without calling them out on that shit and correcting them to the POLITICALLY CORRECT TERM(tm). Coz that's just how I am.But damn I have no chill at all when I'm on my period so I get into a lot of fights and the last time I had a period about 2 years ago, I threw a chair through a window and broke it, punched a mirror with brass knuckles and shattered it, and used the broken glass to carve words into my thighs and just straight up slash my arms and wrists till I felt better (aka lightheaded af). So like.......dude. I've also been in psychosis because of my period before in my teen years so like Idk if I've hit psychosis yet but??? If this doesn't stop soon, I'm gonna have YET ANOTHER trip to a psych ward and this time no one will let me out coz it will be a state ward. #rip #tragicBut if it doesn't stop within the next week (which will be week 2 of my period), we are going to get me in with an obgyn up here and see what's going on.Like it might not be "broken"; It might just be out of hormones/time to get a new one. But since it's supposed to last till October and this is my first nexplanon, Idk how I should react to getting a period at this moment when October is at least a couple months away. ://////Fuck me. Haha. Idkkkkkkk tbh. BUT I'M SORRY TO BE SO GRAPHIC, FAM. LIKE YO I'm real sorry but you asked so??? I mean. I hope that answers your question and I'm legit sorry to get sidetracked as fuck on ranting about stuff but you should know by now that that's just how I be. Lol. #ihavenofilterBut damn. Okay. My hand hurts from typing on my phone literally ALL DAYYYYYYYY so I'm gonna go to sleep now. G'night.((((Also sorry if this makes no sense. I'm wayyyyyyy higher than I usually am. I mixed a hella amount of different drugs and a small amount of liquor tonight.))))

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