#now he's re(tired)
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Several years back
#john is probably more... aggressive in the past#now he's re(tired)#john wick#koji shimazu#caine#my art
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Cannot imagine whatever is going on through Mr Leonard Echowatcher's head. You spend your life yearning for a world where you lived differently, where the day wasnt soaked in war, blood, and battle. Where you could envision a future where you have a partner and a family with friends to live gracefully with. But then you are given such opportunities only to find you were never taught to be gentle, you have a gentle, empathetic nature and yet the physicality of it is a stranger to you. You are expected to raise a child with gentle hands so that she saves the world, What does that even mean? How can you accept your growing love for your friend when you were never taught how to love, that intimate love is a luxury best left forgotten, there are no need for such things in war. He has to learn to become the things he wanted bc he grew too old to develop it naturally. He becomes a father to taimi fumbling his way into learning how to care and parent, he is defensive of Aurene bc he is from a culture where they arent expected to raise their own young and yet has to do so with a dragon. It feels like a test, He has to prove both to others and to himself he is capable of being a father, of nuturing, that calloused, stained hands can still be gentle. He has to accept that love is a terrifying leap of faith in vulnerability in order to gain a partnership that is considered a rarity. I love the idea that he spent 30 years yearning for things he thought he would never have and when he is actually given those opportunities (albeit admittedly through unusual circumstances) he has to learn how to actually live in them, becuase they were always just Concepts until now. Ohhhh my god Mr. Leo you are my everything
#rambling about my guy at 3am#its so so sos so important to leo's lore that he wishes he had freedom from the legions while still being inherently loyal to them bc he#cannot break the loyalty that is so fervent in his culture's belief so he doesnt leave and instead tries to be the change he wants to see#in savoring life and preventing reckless deaths and maybe one day allowing for more connections between the charr re their relationships#while also battling with the fact now that he has these chances hes not actually prepared for him#hes defensive about Aurene and he takes a while to admit his feelings for rytlock because of these#does this makes sense me shaking the camera do you see my vision he makes me insane#hes so tired hes sooooo tired but theres this constant weight on him at all times its just not a world ending one but a personal one#javi gw2#leonard echowatcher#this isnt even ABOUT being diallusioned with how the legions disregard lige and treat their soldiers as a numbers game bc thats an entire#different problem this is just abt his more personal struggles.#god i remember describing all his interactions with rytlock (intimacy wise) were all very passionate bc he didnt know how to allow himself#to be vulnerable and gentle#or rather hes scared to be bc its not natural to him#so when they see each other again and leo IS more gentle with him in private that is a huuuge deal#also im definitely not conflating romantic and platonic relationships bc those can be just as important#so im directly speaking about more intimate relationships or regarding whatever leo viewed himself wanting#which was like a partner and a family#sound the alarm this hardened soldier secretly dreams of a domestic fantasy he will never have#is esentially what it is#leo was made to be bbq dad who cleans gravestones and plants flowers for the feceased and is forced into [the entire plot of gw2]#sorry im rambling okay bye
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Also for the record while sqq is genderqueer in the direction of having way too many thoughts about gender constantly, I feel like binghe is in the exact opposite direction of being genderqueer by merit of literally could not care less about what his gender is. "It doesn't matter if he's husband or wife , as long as he's SHIZUN'S 🥰🥰 "
#im too tired to do actual thoughts on scum villain re gender and what it has to say about what it means to be a man#so for now tossing this to you#i think the extent binghe probably gets for caring about gender is that he has a special gender just for sqq#like pronouns ONLY for my husband to use ❤️ just because he is a little strange like that#but it's ok#lbh#luo binghe#svsss
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Anyways update i just didnt bother to post earlier:
fr God is good and the whole car crash my parents got into last week was so incredibly mild in terms of injuries!!!! worst was a bruised knee im pretty sure
ALSO-
*taps mic* HUG YOUR FREAKING LOVED ONES OR SO HELP ME!!!!!!!
#ALSO DO NOT READ THE TAGS IF YOURE HERE FOR A GOOD TIME!!!!#ENDED UP VENTING AGHHHHH- (<- amongus ref in 2024???? l+ratio) (no but seriously stay safe; im not sure if i should add a cw???)#no but like the cars themselves?#FOLDED-#ive seen photos of worse ones of course lol (ty internet <3)#but we´re all in agreement that if it had hit anywhere else at that speed it wouldve been BAD Bad-#like; severe injury to the leg at least; drivers door wouldve crumpled; thankfully it hit the tire mostly#our car got what seems to be the lesser damage and theyre still debating if it counts as total loss xd#also oh goshhhh#so i usually go and say goodbye to my dad when hes headed to work; i did it that day as usual; car was already halfway out the driveway#my dog also loves to go and she was already in the car#but my mom (taking my dad to work) said she´d need to stop by the store after dropping dad off; so she handed her back to me#last minute descision-#my dog is a small kinda elderly chihuahua and wouldve been on my mom´s lap when they crashed#no seatbelt for her obviously#she wouldve gotten injured so freaking bad if she was there ):#overall feels like we dodged a life altering accident by a hair#i wasnt even in it and im still shook hahaha#i always go say bye to dad if hes leaving for work no matter if im pissed off or sad or whatever#half out of habit; half bc i know anything could happen at any moment and id rather not have been too proud to say goodbye#dammit im crying now hahaha#saying again; everyones fine!!!!! please remember to hug your loved ones !!!!!!#shut up sheo#but oh gosh too many reminders of death as a constant recently#that happened about a week after a cousin died; i hadnt seen him in forever but his family went to our church growing up; he was my age#it was a dull and distant pain even then to hear the news but it still hurt; i didnt go to the funeral#did go to the one a couple days later tho; for a family member i truly didnt know; it was a car crash i think#a special kind of heartbreak from meeting his mom and seeing his kids running around#now that i realize it; as im writing this; i hadnt stopped to process just about anything hahaha#freaking sobbing at 9 in the morning smh!!!!!
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don't wanna put op on blast but he's literally a twink. he's nothing. stop acting like hes got any meat on those bones hes muscular sure but calling that thing a dilf is a disservice to actual dilfs. what are you talking about.
#all you tiktok resident evil fans are so stupid please#leon kennedy is less of a dilf than a fucking newborn#re#i dont. understand the cognitive leaps required to come to this conclusion.#plus the insinuation that leon is a top here is hysterical#regardless of who you pair him with he takes it in the ass. come on now#idk this post sucks and im tired. gonna unfollow the leon tag now#vin.txt
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#as a side note i had a moment of horrid irony when i thought suddenly that I WISHED mr knight were there#because he was at the vigil last year and used to be a part of my church. and i suddenly missed all my old housemates#who were here last year! went to hug people during the peace and a good friend asked if i was okay#i was like 😭😭😭😭 not really and then turned around and SAW the boy and was like well this is a twist in the plot i truly dont care for#anyway all's well i just cried buckets more my heart's been wrung OUT#he lives fae away. he was not supposed to come. anyway he did and i shook his hand formally because he offered to (???)#*far away#it was totally bizarre#he did not stay for long which. thank God. i wouldve been so much more tired if he had#but he wished me happy birthday which irked me because we'd had an unspoken agreement to not wish each other happy birthday (for fear of#mixed signals) which. happened i guess#it was INCREDIBLY bizarre. the safest ive ever felt in my life was when he was holding me#and now he's a familiar stranger i know too well whom i dont WANT to know#anyway it has been a heartwrenching and soul draining Lent and past six months or more and i was ready to cry#and so i did. bawled like a baby after certain readings and songs. cried and cried and cried#re: reasons for that concerning the ex boyfriend: it is SO weird and i dont know how to deal with it#like. i still have so much love that it feels like grief and the grief bleeds into that love too#but that love isnt for HIM anymore or at least not the person i found he was. so now it really does have nowhere to go#ANYHOW IT'S LATE BUT THE POINT IS. HE IS RISEN AND THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS#THAN SEEING YOUR EX BOYFRIEND AT CHURCH AND BEING LIKE ?????? HUH????????
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i’m not like other girls, my “Rest” stats are a heart rate of 110bpm and a HRV of 14 fucking milliseconds. :)
#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#cw health#cw heart#i’m so stressed :) i am soooo fucking stressed and my body is Suffering because of it#i want to just lay here and stare at the ceiling but. maybe a little venting will help#sighhhh wish [N]MbD Sun were here to obsessively fret over me#he can be mean about it idc. at least i’d have someone acknowledging how bad things are for me#sometimes i wonder when the last time was that my body Wasn’t in fight or flight to some degree#have i Ever actually relaxed#hhhhhhh c-ptsd is a bitch#anyways there’s so much to vent about but i’m. doing my best to be vague. i need to be more vague about things#a lot of stuff i can’t vent about anyways. it’s too personal#so instead i’m gonna complain abt how i haven’t been able to play Genshin or Star Rail for nearly a month now#and about how slowly my back is recovering. it’s like every time i re-injure/have a flare up. it heals.. worse. slower and lesser#i dunno how it’s ever gonna get better. truly better. maybe i’ll live with this forever#if being fat is the problem which is definitely partly is. then yeah i’m fucked#all of my problems just make each other worse and i don’t know where the way out of it all is#every time i think i’ve found it i’m wrong and i just make it all worse#anyways as soon as i figure out how to strengthen my core without breaking my back. it’s over for u bitches#‘u bitches’ being uh. all of the shit that needs doing that i cannot physically fucking do right now#i miss being able to sit down. and i’m Regretting de-converting my standing desk back to sitting bc now. i cannot use my PC#which means i can’t fucking do a some of my work or play my silly little gacha games and i’m mad abt it#i’m mad abt a lot more serious things too but again. can’t talk abt it so i’m gonna focus on trivial shit instead#anyways. sorry as always to everyone i haven’t spoken with lately. and in general. i’m so drained from the Everything that i just. can’t.#it shouldn’t be this hard for me to stay in touch w ppl but. it is. guess i’ll add that onto my list of things to be stressed about#i’m so tired of everything man. and i hate being so negative and mean when im stressed & in pain. makes me feel like im becoming my father
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🕯️ sup
send me 🕯️to hear my character's inner thoughts about your character.
He really doesn't get it.
Sun Wukong isn't new to forgiveness, having granted it many times and occasionally (though not very often) being offered it in turn. And he's not... new to the concept of forgiving someone you loved who hurt you greatly either.
(But there is a wide gap between being forgiven and having what they once had.)
But he just can't see why Macaque keeps coming back to him. Back in their world, he could always assume it was mostly because of MK, since the kid was first to make an offer of friendship. Amidst the constant threats to the realm's stability, the safest place to be is among the people you could trust to protect you.
(And if Macaque can trust MK but not him, that's fine.)
But why does he still cling to Monkey King's side here? In this place that seems to thrive on change and new experiences, where none of their (his, mostly) enemies were trying to end the world and death was temporary, why would Macaque need to trail him all over the city, spend so much time in his house and sleep in his bed?
That's what he doesn't get.
Macaque is strong, smart and capable. He is handsome and charming and, once you get used to his acerbic sense of humor, quite funny. He can dazzle any audience and get himself out of any situation, death included. He is (despite whatever image he is trying to project) a kind, brave and extremely loyal person. He doesn't need to be anyone's shadow anymore. He can be anywhere he wanted, doing anything he wanted.
So why would he want to be here? With him?..
Wukong doesn't know if Macaque wants to be friends (he doesn't even dare to wish for anything more, not in a thousand years at least). He doesn't know if he just wants to pretend none of that ever happened (they are not going to do that). He doesn't know what he can say or do or give to make things between them better.
...He does know that they need to talk about it. All of it. Except every time he opens his mouth he says something wrong and Macaque scowls at him or fires back with one of his favourite cutting remarks or leaves. So he backs down (like a coward), because Wukong would rather keep them in this weird neither here nor there place than risk actually hurting Macaque again.
(It scares him to think that maybe he just doesn't know how to not hurt him again. Sometimes he wishes Macaque would really just leave so he doesn't have this hope that maybe-)
...
It's not his place to push or to rush things, not this time. Sun Wukong is a patient man, these days. If there is one thing he can do it's to let Macaque figure it out on his own terms. And if he needs to stay close while he does that, that's fine too. He can wait for Macaque to make up his mind even if takes another five hundred years. And he will. He will be right here, always, waiting for it.
Because someone you love is always worth waiting for.
#sageshadowed#rambled a lot about nothing so im putting it all under readmore#cool introspection bro now maybe try saying some of it out loud or something#im afraid it doesnt make too much sense (m tired) but to be fair he is also very confused re: what the hell macaque is trying to do here#so 'ill just stay put and wait for him to figure it out' sounds like a good plan in theory#unfortunately macaque knows exactly what he wants he just sucks at getting it#because cuddling your crush when he's asleep and being mean to him every time he says smth at the same time is not the way to do it clearly#im tired im really tired but man
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Honestly every time I see someone complain about the problems with Genshin's story, it's ALWAYS never about the actual issues with the story, and more about how the player complaining isn't fucking paying attention or is too impatient about a plot point to wait and find out if it's relevant to later parts of the story or not, and thus prematurely dubs it a plot hole or an unanswered question.
So any time I see people complain about Genshin's story my answer is typically one of two things: Pay Attention You Absolute Fool, or Give it a Fucking Minute.
#genshin impact#For context: I saw someone pre 3.0 whining and complaining about how Signora got a big backstory but ended up dying when Scaramouche#....... according to them............ /didn't/ have a backstory#and they were complaining that HE was playable and not her#Like weren't BOTH of their back stories in artifact sets????? Hello?????#Anyway this particular point is definitely among the ''Give it a Fucking Minute'' answers#because LO AND BEHOLD THE SUMERU ARCHON QUEST WAS VERY HEAVY WITH SCARAMOUCHE LORE LMAO#There's also a secret third option: Now You're Just Lying#Where the player is complaining about a ''problem'' of the game while cherry picking examples of that problem while pretending that like#ALL aspects similar to it are the same#In this instance: Staying the 5 star Character Story Quests are bad because they are surface level Only#And the player listing off Jean; Mona; Klee; And Diluc as their examples of ''''surface level character depth''''#While also dismissing the HUGE character and lore drops in something like#Venti's story quest#which RE-CONTEXTUALIZES EVERYTHING WE THOUGHT WE KNEW ABOUT VENTI but I guess you (general you) weren't paying attention#OR Itto's story quest!!! Which gave us HUGE commentary about bigotry towards a minority in the metaphor of how humans treated Onis#and the complications that arose from that#and Itto as a character just *chef's kiss*#Just. Tired of people not paying attention to the story they're complaining about#being impatient#or just flat out lying
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The Mario Brothers (and cousin) in Hero, Pajamas, Date, Casual, and Star Festival outfits!
Bonus Doctor Mario, Mr. L, and Toad Emile as well to make the photo amount even.
#Emile's arts#Self Insert#I was going to color these but they've already taken like all week because I was#you know#Designing them cool outfits#I LOVE the Star Festival looks honestly#I love the Mario Universe Stars as a Religious thing#and the Star Festival as a cool Holiday/Gala thing Princess Peach hosts#I am spreading Luigi in a Dress propaganda he DESERVES IT#I KINDA wanted to re-do Mario's suit and put him in suspenders#But nah Nah he goes the whole nine yards on a date 3 piece suit and all#Mario covered in Paper Mario badges my beloved I just think he'd a hoarder#And Luigi power up patches because I see people drawing him with patches and think it's cute#I have more I want to do but for now this is enough#I wanna do seasonal outfits as well eventually but rn very tired#Drew a lotta Mario#Could draw MORE Mario honestly#I could draw a lot more I love drawing a couple of guys all dressed up SO much#I could do this forever#Mario#Luigi
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love and peace to you, today I’m practicing the tumblr ritual of saving everything to drafts to reblog later because I’m currently lacking in self to express
#csm site I use hasn’t update with the new chapter yet… have heard horrible things and am excited#have you guys heard about the new speaker of the house? he’s awful. legitimately scary. I want to move out of the us.#Fundie Fridays and Some More News both did videos on him#fuck american politics#my thoughts#meposting#personal#vent#sometimes I forget that I’m not having a good time in my living environment.#wondering why I feel so empty and unacceptable while I’m living under an ultimatum to either (re-)closet myself or move out#and like… I can’t isolate myself but I also don’t want to subject my friends to my company bc. I don’t feel good.#I’m having a hard time feeling present and pleasant and thoughtful. and I want to be a better friend than that.#and I’m backsliding on my communication and boundary-setting skills too bc I feel less safe. I’ve. had my trust betrayed by the ‘rents ig#so now I feel like I did when I was younger — that I exist for others rather than with. which is scary.#loss of perceived control over myself my relationships#sorry for the overshare it’s something I’m very good at doing and do often. world champ!#fuck… think I’m going to go up to stay with my aunts for a couple extra days I’m tired of feeling stuck here
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my head hurts too bad to contribute to the discussion properly but the tldr is the dreamer trilogy makes infinitely more sense if gansey permadied because otherwise his absence is fucking nonsensical and also it would justify ronan and adam acting Like That but also if gansey died i would have to also die sorry
#narratively it makes more sense. emotionally i cannot handle it. that's my guy who is also me.#dont get me started on henry i could and have written. thousands of words. about how misused he was narratively.#but i'm too old and tired to re-air my grievances with trk. especially in a post-greywaren world. where nothing matters anyway!#i've successfully read 2.5 books in the last 3 weeks and i still can't fathom picking up greywaren again. anyway.#MY HEAD FOIKEN HURTS so i'm gonna. stop thinking now. bye. waves#izzy.txt
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last night i started rereading david copperfield. i've read so much new literature this year, i wouldn't say im "burnt out" but i feel like im cycling through things so fast that i... i dont know. i dont feel like i get to have them melt into me as satisfyingly as they used to although that might also be a product of how i feel about my overall *life* right now, idk. deep stuff but anyway.
i havent read a novel in almost four years. i have been too ashamed to pick them back up and i left off in the middle of the professor by charlotte bronte, which i always felt ashamed for being unable to finish. someday ill reread the beginning and finish it, but yadda yadda yadda i hate that nagging feeling that i HAVE to do something. reading should not feel like a chore. which is also how ive felt about my reading plays at such a quick rate this year. not that its a CHORE, like im not enjoying it, but like it's a daily task im distracting myself with to get some temporary pleasure and im cycling from one to the next at an almost monotonous rate. i can't keep living in my imagination like this. hiding from the world and pouring myself into new ones.
i always figured id want to reread david copperfield someday, too. it's one of my three favorite novels ive ever read (not that ive read SO many novels, but still). i think of it often. and i dont think of it like it's a highly literary or intellectual novel. i think of it like an old sitcom or a newspaper strip. like a victorian peanuts or full house. i've never forgotten a bunch of the characters' catchphrases and i've continued to slip them into conversation with people who don't understand them just to overly-explain a joke that only i'm really going to find funny. because that IS the kind of person i am.
ive only read the first four chapters so far. i just cant wait to get to aunt betsey's place, to be honest. i didn't even think about this part... this is the first novel i'm reading since i became an aunt. i never had a character in the book i related to *too* much; i had certain things in common with dora and i loved her, but we weren't one and the same. but my niece is only two and a half months old and i already feel like oh yeah. oh yeah i'd take this little girl in after she ran away from her abusive boarding school. i'd provide for this girl. i'd raise her with my neurodivergent friend that i live with. i would do ANYTHING for her.
#tales from diana#diana rereads david copperfield#may as well make that a tag now#two reasons i thought to reread david copperfield now:#besides as i mentioned i wanted to re-enjoy an old favorite bc ive been cycling through new things so much im getting tired#1) i was going through my old tag from when i reread sense and sensibility like two months after i read it the first time#(after i already went through my tagged/david-copperfield and relived my posts i made from when i first read it)#and i was like gosh it's really been five years EXACTLY since i first read it#i started it in november 2018 and finished in january 2019#wow. like wow#and 2) ive mentioned it on here before but i keep thinking about mr. dick's affinity with king charles i#how i understand what he means now when he said all of king charles' sorrows were poured into his head#when charles was beheaded in 1649#yeah it really is one of my favorite little novels of all time. so much charm and so many ppl in it to love#i told dan when i read it the first time 'i laughed. i cried. i got thrown into debtors prison'#he liked that#also after i read david copperfield the first time i started calling him dan'el. like dan'el peggotty is called#i never stopped doing that lol.#dan doesn't understand that i contain all of mary queen of scots' sorrows but thats ok#i didnt even think about it before reading it but yeah i am absolutely going to be my niece's aunt betsey#your sister betsey trotwood who disappointed me on the night of your birth
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#pixi text post#I want to look at images of a certain Yuma kokohead (if that’s even his real name)#but I do not want to get spoiled for anything#so I’ll just sit here and suffer#😔😔😔#he is son status now#also it took me like half an hour to find a good reaction image for this post#not exactly the one I want but#I’m tired of looking up anime reaction nervous hand poking hiding behind face#re rain code
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second round/third (and hopefully last) of the root canals is done!
I'm definitely in pain, but it's a clean kind of pain compared to what i had before. and not as bad.
now to get my wisdom teeth (+ one other beyond saving) out next month
#i might've made a post abt this yesterday?#i honestly don't remember#on the way back from the root canal (the city it was in is like and hour and a half west) we hit a pothole on the edge of a tiny town#and blew the front driver's tire#called roadside and were waiting for like an hour without hearing anything when another driver pulled over to see if he could help#finally got that changed#and were limping the car along to a shop#when the front passenger tire blew#called roadside‚ more waiting‚ trooper stopped to see if he could help us#ended calling the local tow company at about the same time insurance finally reached out to them#i was mostly alseep bc at that point i had been up for 22 hours#but the car got towed to a shop to be dealt with in the morning and a friend gave us a ride to our house#so. Interesting end to our night#now I'm going to go find some painkillers and figure out if i can open my jaw enough to eat#crow.txt#(also re: that first line i had two of them done in the first appointment and made a second for the one in the best condition)#(the first two were my upper left and bottom right‚ this last was my upper right and he didn't want to numb so much of my mouth at once)
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y’all can feel free to strangle me later for moving around so much but squall is being moved back to his old solo blog @gardenformed-moved 😑😑😑
#Solo muse blogs… I think I can tackle his again#So#*claps hands*#I APOLOGIZE FOR MOVING AROUND SO MUCH#His muse kind of died for a bit and then flared up a bit from time to time so I moved him to my multi where I was more active#But he’s peeking and I think moving him back to a solo muse blog would be nice again#Sending asks? Not having my re stuff mish mashed along with my ff followed Blogs stuff?#Idk#aaa#again I’m sorry and I understand if people are tired of me moving so much#I’m hopefully gonna keep his ass there from now on.#╰┈➤ ooc rambles. ( … ) sol screeches.
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