#now do you hunt squid with a harpoon

[thebongomediaempire]

The publisher thought there were too many questions that needed to be asked and answered, soooooooo.... 😎

[local-diavolo-anon]

thinking about some scene from my Prehistoric Mermen AU because i like brainstorming worldbuilding and random stuff

Y/N would probably be asked to send long reports on what they found to be edible for human and what wasn't, how they examined it, how accurate the examination was and how it has been prepared

time traveler scientists always had rations with them and were intructed not to eat anything from the geological era they were sent into because of of risk of food poisoning or straight up eating shit that they can't digest

Y/N had rations as well but those ran out after one week or two since they were not made for stops longer than a few days (again for safety reasons, you have no idea what might be lurking in the shadows of a prehistoric jungle or what illnesses dinosaurs got that never survived until our days)

so once those rations ran out Y/n had to rely on their inboard analyzer to individually separate the chemical components of plants and animals to determine what they could have eaten and what was going to kill them instantly

most of the food they found to be edible was probably sea food, and not because they might particularly enjoy it but rather because going into the forest was not an option and Sun and Moon absolutely bombarding their ass with extra food to make sure their weird land friend didn't starve

(and also because sharing food is a sign of affection among predators; Y/n knows this but things Sun and Moon just see them as a weirdly shaped possible mate, like ostriches do in their era with humans)

Probably all of Y/N reports are a bit chaotic, especially the videos

Some videos that they sent slong with written reports include:

Them screaming maniacally that they managed to find something akin to potatoes and that made them "unstoppable" (they weren't properly potatoes an tastes slightly more sour, but still acceptable)

Extremely out of focus clip of them dancing on the beach with a piece of salt they managed to make by drying sea water

Several harpoon hunting videos where all you can hear is them cursing at some smaller predator stealing their catches constantly

A Few videos of them screamind directly at other creatures like calling 'bitch ass motherfucker' a raptor that showed up, stole their blanket, ripped it to shreds and chased them until they were on top of a tree

first person video of them playing dodgeball in the sea with Sun and Moon using a poor ammonite

First person video of them chasing away a flock of small pterosauruses after the little asses started stealing their food like seagulls

But the reports on their diet always look the funniest because they took the iron as it was hot and beat the shit out of it, so now each video looks like a youtube mukbang; full on table with food displayed in front of them and camera as they describe what everything tastes like

sometimes Sun join them on their improvised table by the beach and snatches a bite because everything smells good, but only Sun because Moon can't stay on land (too big)

Moon however is sometimes visible in the background splashing around in the deeper ocean where he hunts

in a video or two he is probably visible straight out jumping out of the water to snatch pterosauruses fresh out of the air, having hands is a big advantage when your natural competitors only have their mouth

Y/N has many other logs and videos of things they did or accomplished, but some of them were supposed to be about other things and suddently stuff happened

like a video of them trying to fish and see what worked as a bait and what didn't, and then Moon drops a full ass squid by their side (it was later identified as a Tusoteuthis and luckily safe for them to eat)

as a conclusion: Y/N sending back home to their friends and colleagues chaotic videos of them having a blast with their prehistoric reptile friend

Y/n making a log diary of everything they did with Sun and Moon so they can remember them when and if they have/can to go back home

[sketchdeath22]

Out of context Umbrella Academy reactions/things I wrote down but for episodes 3 and 4 of season 4

(Spoilers ahead):

-Big ass squid

-GO KLAUS GO!

-Girl, Ray did not walk out.

-Just sayin'

-young man

-Little Greek guy with the mustache (I need to yap abt how funny this could have been if they weren't actually together)

-Guys... the communication is not communicating.

-Mm, yep that magic psoriasis.

-Truman show'd

-Get everyone in this show therapy. PleeeaaSsse.

-Llama tits

-I LOVE VIKTOR!!!

-JEEASSUUSS HES FRESHLY 18 STOP

-*sigh* Klaus dearest...

-JUST TALK ABOUT IT

-Thanks for being the voice of reason Claire

-KLAUS

-Poor Claire

-Diego clue hunting again

-why do I always wear suits...?

-Harpooned by yourself

-At least they remembered some of the symptoms of being around yourself

-Shoot the bald guy...?

-Stranger Things ahh glow

-I don't even question the squid, it's UA, weirder things have happened.

-YES VIKTOR STAND UP TO HIM SAY YOUR PIECE

-Mom?

-This looks like my aunts place.

-cute scarf! And another comic reference?!? Is he gonna float all the time now?!?!

-Kill me right now!

-Freaky little man

-Dancer!

-ooh she's good.

-Klaus what have you done now...

-Yeah, how did he die, dear Luther?

-Those snacks look pretty good

-Doc Ock ahh Ben

-Average Appalachian activities

-Meow Wolf room

-Come on Lila!

-monke

-Why couldn't she rumor him to just, be sober, like, gang.

-Hey! I think the comic had a ship similar to that! (Rereading this and I'd like to clarify an airship not relationship)

-FOOL YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO OPEN THE BOX!

-shot on site

-Get it Viktor!

-Klaus, my little boy (gn)

-This is an interesting parallel to the comic (sorry I'm yapping about it but I do quite like seeing it)

-Oh dear...

-Deigo is literally ripped. what?

-Babysit them

-Luther and Deigo bonding and being very cringefail I think its great

-Why is the teenager the only person who thinks

-MONEY MONEY MONEY NO NO!

-Musical number

-Don't.

-Oh dear ×2

-You're hurting Klaus! >:[

-Luther and Deigo share a brain cell

-Delores

-Great, Five and Lila are causing time line issues.

-Leave her.

-How we gonna ruin it

-NO YOU'RE GONNA GIVE HIM WAR FLASHBACKS

-NO NO NO NOT BURIED ALIVE PLEASE OH MY GOD

-YuCK UGH BLEH STOP

[whumpbby]

I don’t mean to just keep hitting you with these mermay asks😅 but what happens next??? With nocturna??? (Her reveal was soooo good and spooky I love me a queen of halloween)

Hehe, don’t worryXD When I have to take a moment for the brain to catch up I will just sit on themxD

I came to the decision that Nocturna is a giant squid mer:O 

Old and pale, and sensitive to sunlight, that’s why he lived so deep. Her meeting with Jay happened when the boy was very, very small, barely enough of him to fill out her hand. The baby was hiding close to the depth, a children octos tended to do before they grew up enough to be safe in open waters. he wasn’t doing that good, though, thin and hungry, his only companion was an even tinier octopus he tried to keep alive and feed. 

Nocturna observed the baby for a while, considering eating it, but he was so endearing i his attempts to keep the little octopus alive, when it could be made into a meal that would help him survive for longer. She didn’t have children herself, there was very few males of her species and none close enough to attend her in the mating season (her species didn’t do mating fights, they were more civilised in that respect) so, well, he was there and looked quite promising. 

She adopted Jay and fed him up, allowed him to hide in her shadow until he was big enough to leave to explore, but they shared a very close bond. That’s one of the reasons why Jay was even more of a loner than usual octomer - he was raised by a squidmer and could never fond common language with his own species. He was returning periodically to the trench to visit his mom:)

*

Now, when the news of his misfortune reached Nocturna, she wasted no time - she left the trench and had Jason’s friends (freaked out like hell cause GOD! :O) lead her to the place she knew her baby was. On the way Roy filled her in on the situation and told her all about being Jays friend and his recent adventures with humans. Nocturna was doubtful that the humans were any good, but Robin was there (carried by Bizarro, because he was still hurt) to confirm that it was the humans that saved them both and he even showed her the stitches Tim put into him. 

(Bizarro is a BIG whale shark with skin and fins marked by scars from harpoons and so on, left by cruel humans trying to hunt him, he was not that hot on the subject of humanity, but he was willing to believe there were some good ones out there:)  

When they finally got to the Depth, Nocturna could smell the ancient waiting for her on the bottom. She signalled the young ones to stay behind, they shouldn’t get in the vicinity of the fight that was about to commence. And then she dived.

She found Ra’s mid-coitus, her boy hanging jump form his arm, pale and worn out, and her anger was so great that her body flared with luminescence and she threw herself at the octomer responsible for hurting her son. 

The fight was long and harsh, both of them were ginormous and strong, Ra’s was still in the throes of mating fever while Nocturna was mad with anger, and they were pretty evenly matched. Many wounds were given and taken, blood clouding the water. In the chaos of the fight, Nocturna managed to pull Jay out of Ra’s arm. She pushed him behind her with an order to swim away, but he was so weak he couldn’t - that’s when Kori appeared, able to descend all the way there - she grabbed Jay and pulled him away, higher, to where Bizarro could take over and carry him away.

They waited for Nocturna near the trench, scared for her and not knowing what to expect. Jason was barely responsive. Artemis hunted food and they fed him, and allowed the octomer to rest. 

Some time later, a shadow washed over them and they all tensed, but it was only Nocturna returning. She was in rough shape, her wounds were seeping blood and chunks were missing from her boy and arms, but she was alive, though very weak.

Very gently she pulled Jay into her arms, close to her chest, and slipped back into the crag, hiding them both, giving them time to reconnect and recover. Robin followed. Jay’s friends breathed out. It was time to return home and give the family time. Every once in a while Roy and Artemis delivered some fresh caught fish. 

[the-golden-ghost]

for the book thing: uh moby dick?

OH BOY

Okay this one’s gonna be messy cause I fully admit I don’t remember like 75% of the book (it’s been more than a year since I read it) and I don’t own a copy so I can’t look it up. Also it’s Moby Dick and the whole plot makes no sense

BUT HERE WE GO:

Meet Ishmael. We’re told to call him that. Heck if we know what his birth name is

Ishmael enjoys walking around, going to sea, complaining, spouting off inaccurate whale facts, talking about his childhood traumas, and that’s kinda it

Meet Queequeg. He’s a prince from a Polynesian island. He’s got tattoos and is an amazing harpooner. He’s also a cannibal and I guess worships a wooden idol. But Ishamel doesn’t judge, because Live and Let Live <3

(Except he does judge at first when the innkeeper says “sorry lads, only one bed, you either gotta sleep with Queequeg or on the bench”)

“I choose the bench” says Ishmael

Ishmael eventually decides fuck it and sleeps with Queequeg

After one (1) night of domesticity and watching Queequeg put his boots on in the early morning they apparently decide “fuck it, let’s get married” and get married

Then they spoon a whole bunch and the book describes this in depth

THEN Ishmael goes to church and complains about how he hates church

Then he goes and gets a job seafaring. He gets put on the Peaquod which is a whaling ship captained by a crazy guy named Ahab. “Fuck! That’s a Biblical name!” says Ishmael, whose name also comes from the Bible

By the way like everyone’s name in this comes from the Bible it’s ridiculous

Anyway Ahab has like... a wife and son? But the son might be his stepson I don’t remember anyway they talked about this like it was weird at the beginning and then never mentioned it again

I honestly don’t remember what happens after this. But at some point Ishmael and Queequeg go aboard the Peaquod, and then we meet the rest of the crew.

The Rest of the Crew:

Starbuck: First Mate. Quaker. From Massachusetts. Has a wife named Mary and a son named Boy (that or he just forgot his son’s name lmao) he loves them very much. Does not appreciate Shenanigans. Usually the one member of the crew with the brain cell but no one listens to him. (and yes, the coffee chain is indeed named after him)

Stubb: Second Mate. A real shady piece of work who has never taken personal responsibility for anything, ever, in his life. Basically doesn’t give a damn in hell.

Flask: Third Mate. I don’t remember anything about him other than that he was an idiot

Pip: Cabin boy. A black kid. He’s the Cute and Small member of the crew. He ends up getting screwed over by the narrative though and also every time he’s mentioned Ishmael decides to be racist about it

Tashtego: An “Indian” but whether than means he’s from India or is a Native American, search me. My guess would be the latter. He’s a harpooner and he’s snarky.

Daggoo: A harpooner from Africa. He’s just pretty chill.

Fedallah: Apparently he just appeared out of nowhere one day and is the personification of the Devil. Or Ishmael was high for the first leg of the trip which wouldn’t shock me. He’s from somewhere in Asia...? I think...?

Anyway Ahab stays in his cabin all the time and no one sees him and the crew don’t like each other and most of the plot is now taken with Ishmael writing weird play-by-plays of the crew banter in between talking excessively about whales and the parts of the ship and what they’re for.

And also some superstitious stuff.

Ahab eventually comes out of his cabin and he has a scar shaped like a lightning bolt on his face and he’s missing a leg and he doesn’t like Moby Dick cause Moby Dick ate his leg so now Vengeance I guess

Anyway they go around hunting whales and getting on each other’s nerves

I cannot for the life of me recall the proper sequence of events, but here’s some stuff I remember happening:

They Run Into A Few Ships And Ask Where Moby Dick Is, Never Getting A Decent Reply

Starbuck Sees A Giant Squid And Thinks It Is An Omen Of Evil

Pip Falls Off The Boat And Ends Up Going Mad From The Isolation (it was only like fifteen minutes but heck)

Ishmael Touches Some Sperm And Really Enjoys It

Ishmael Complains About Albatrosses

Queequeg Almost Dies Of A Fever, Doesn’t, And Then Sleeps In His Own Coffin For Fun

Ahab Becomes Gay For Starbuck For Some Reason

They Go Ashore And Don’t Advance The Narrative Any

The Trip Just Keeps Getting Longer And Ahab Will Not Turn The Damn Boat Around

Starbuck Genuinely Considers Murdering Ahab And Doing A Mutiny

I’m sure other stuff happened but I don’t remember it. Anyway the finale is when they spot Moby Dick, Ahab goes to harpoon him, ends up getting wrapped up in his harpoon rope and dragged down, and the ship sinks in the ensuing fight with Ishmael being the sole survivor because he clung to Queequeg’s coffin, which floated in the wreckage

The end

Anyway the whole thing reads like Ishmael was high and drunk at the same time so that’s kinda why the plot didn’t fit together in any reasonable fashion

If you’re reading this thinking “wow this doesn’t sound like a very good book” IT ISN’T

It’s actually the literary version of a really awful shitpost. Just terrible. Two stars only because of the sheer amount of gay subtext and the invention of the “only one bed” trope.

[kandyrezi]

-- tell me, little wolf (if you crave bloodlust);

(ok, i don’t normally do this, but i felt this was better as a one-shot, since i really like this idea.)

pairing: fem!idate x fem!shirogane (red-sea AU!)

warnings: noncon, violence, blood and injury

word-count: 4k

///

the sea had turned blood-red a little while ago in blink of an eye. no one quite comprehended how it happened or what was behind the cause of it. it must have begun in the south and stretched all the way over to the arctic ocean. the marine plants living in the waters were in the process of rotting or turning into an odd, muddy color from the vibrant ones they used to be. the iceberg isle used to be fairly isolated with only a few residents living there equipped to handle the harsh climate all year, but then several fugitives from the south of the sea came searching for shelter at the isle.

most of the creatures that lived in the sea were injured, traumatized from the events that had occurred, had lost their homes and family – or in most cases, all of those mentioned tragedies at once.

rock hunted fish for those too weak and shaken up to do it themselves. sometimes the fish would come reeled up in odd shapes and forms, red eyes and fins at unnatural angles that often rendered them mildly unsettling to look at. rocma helped search for shelter for all those in need for the time being, whether or not temporarily if they decided to stay or move on to somewhere else other than the iceberg isle. yukisada took in and helped those who were potentially at risk of being injured or ill. his house was currently occupied by six strangers, most either in a natural habitat most comforting for them or laying down on a soft surface, waiting for the treatment to settle in and for the pain to fade.

shirogane sat on a lone stool located against the wall, hands on lap as she observed the snowy owl working on one of the patients, with bottles of saline and antibiotic ointment within reach. an hour had passed and it seemed he was finally almost done with them.

“did you hear about peraco taking in a young vampire squid child? apparently he was entirely on his own when he got here and peraco had agreed to let him stay with her and her brothers... i guess she didn’t want him to be on his own.”

yukisada tried to make small-talk once he was done stitching and bandaging a humanoid lantern shark’s shoulder due to having a large bite taken out of it by a much bigger creature with sharp teeth – bone sticking out and dried gore that stuck to skin – with likelihood of having gotten infected had they not gotten to medical care sooner.

“i suppose… i just feel bad that he probably lost his parents at that age, that’s why he’s alone...” shirogane murmured.

yukisada stood to pull off the bloodied gloves and throw them away, washing his hands underneath the running water from the sink, then drying them with a towel.

he tried to offer some consolation to that, “it’ll be alright, we’re here to help them. as much as we’re able to anyway.”

‘can’t always help all of them...’ shirogane wanted to say, but countering his optimism with her usual pessimism wasn’t something they needed at the moment.

two days had passed since the mysterious beginning of the red sea and tensions still hung heavy in the air. some of these deep-sea animals talked of the ones from the red sea (‘sea of death’, some referred to it as), the ones who were the cause of it, corrupted their homes and did the same to everyone who tried to fight back or hadn’t managed to escape in time. they had been uncertain of how likely it was that they’d be followed all the way over here, but they weren’t too eager to go and find that out.

shirogane watched as yukisada tried to persuade one of the other wounded refugees – a crayfish – to drink something from a cup, but their limbs were shaking so violently and sweating profusely, breaths coming in short gasps and ultimately rendered unable to do much. another attempt of trying to soothe and asking them to close their eyes for a minute. shirogane found herself a little bit squeamish at watching a needle being plunged into the crayfish’s arm, so she opted to look away towards someone else instead not in as much pain.

their bodies weren’t accustomed to dealing with cold climates like on the arctic, even if their physical wounds could be treated, there was still a risk of them catching a high fever. a blue shrimp lay inside a bowl on the bedside desk, swimming back and forth in saltwater, choosing not to switch to his humanoid form from the high amount of stress he must’ve currently been experiencing.

“meadowsweet and tamarind could work in decreasing the high temperature of their bodies, but i’ve run out of any herbal medicine. i think rocma might have some.”

shirogane listened absentmindedly, wiping her hands on her skirt due to how clammy they’d become, despite washing them an hour prior from the blood of one of the patients.

“can you please go ahead and fetch some for me? i would do it myself, but i really can’t leave their side. if you see nakayama on the way by any chance, could you ask him to make a delivery for some more? the sooner, the better.” yukisada requested with worry, eyeing his patient as the anesthesia seemed to finally have kicked in and the crayfish stopped their thrashing and were beginning to fall into a painless slumber.

shirogane’s dread increased significantly at the huge responsibility thrown at her all of a sudden. if she were to mess this up, then these marine animals’ lives could potentially be at her hands. regardless, she couldn’t just turn down her friend’s request, a quite important one at that.

the wolf gulped, “y-yeah, sure,  i can… i’ll try and do that.”

“stay safe out there.” yukisada reminded.

with a curt nod, she walked over to the front door of their shared house and then outside, closing the door behind her as the warmth inside slipped from her skin.

the crimson sea created a clear contrast between the glistening snowy tundra with the sky coating it a dull, gray color. she recalled the ocean warming the snow and giving it a gentle hue of cerulean blue, but there was nothing like that anymore; the cerise threatened to consume the iceberg in its entirety. it wasn’t right – wherever she set her eye, a faint speck of red could be spotted reflecting off of any building or mountain.

the arctic wolf figured a trip to the polar bear’s habitat and back with an additional search for nakayama might be a little safer if she carried a weapon with her with all the commotion going on now that she had more than just a few violent brutes to worry about wandering around the isle. either a harpoon gun or her bat engraved with nails would be useful – which the latter had gotten lost in a tussle a while ago unfortunately, so that one was probably out of the question.

shirogane kept her harpoon gun hidden away in the cavern she frequently ran into to get away from all the bullying and harassment of other iceberg residents. she felt a little pathetic for thinking it, but she was grateful everyone was preoccupied with all the newcomers, so she would be left alone for a while, even if she did feel sorry for all those who’d lost their homes in the process.

she didn’t know how to help either; mainly just staying by yukisada’s side whenever he asked for her assistance, but since he was well-versed in his medical care, he often didn’t need her to do much other than press down on someone’s wound to keep them from bleeding out while he worked on stitching them.

reaching the cavern, she searched around the area, footsteps lightly echoing as she did. she found a pile of snow with something black and metal sticking out from the side. brushing away the top of the white mini-mountain, she pulled out the slightly frozen weapon into her hands, wiping away most of the frozen bits, freezing cold to the touch.

she slung the strap over her shoulder, keeping the gun pinned against her back – then she set off to find her way to get some herbal plants for yukisada. breath pale against the numbing air, her face was captivated by the soft, dusty illusions of light that sat heavy on her eyelashes. shirogane’s heart was beginning to beat against her chest more audibly as the frost fell on her pointed canine ears, making them twitch. the compulsive urge to constantly look behind her as if to expect something with malicious intent to lunge at her without warning.

having chosen the quickest route to her destination, through several big rocks twice her own size that made the path uneven and curved, with the possibility of slipping and falling frequently on the more slippery and icy areas. jumping from a steep ascent into snow that reached her knees, she attempted to focus on the sound of her footsteps softly crunching on the snow to block out the delusional paranoia of ghosting gloved hand on her shoulder.

sweat clung to her forehead like pins and needles. what she might have thought to be simply white noise in her head of following steps and limbs of someone else on her snapped out of daze when shirogane felt a hot breath against the nape of her neck. the presence of someone standing behind her, and not the imagination playing tricks on her of a gentle hand on her shoulder, but a tight grip that bruised the deeper the nails sunk into the flesh through her shirt.

with a loud gasp, she felt her foot get stuck in a slope between two rocks, as she barely whirled around to stumble backwards and identify the imposing threat, when she felt herself hoisted up and then flung against a rock a few feet away. body slamming against the sharp edges and hearing a crack, the back of her head plummeting as well, making her vision disorienting and feeling a warm liquid dripping down her forehead onto the tip of her nose. squeezing her eyes shut as she involuntarily slumped against it, limbs too in pain from the sudden harsh impact.

her ears slouched from the ringing sound she likely imagined to be just in her own head – but the voice she heard not too far from where she sat could not definitely be just her mind being over-imaginative.

“lit͜t͜l͡e̴ p̕u҉p̡p̵y.”

her heart began to pick up speed again. it was the orca.

as shirogane looked up to observe her, there was something fundamentally different about her. her gaze was colder, more menacing and piercing through the wolf to the point she felt her eyes alone could stab her through the heart. instead of wearing the usual gray undershirt, it was now a deep red; her lip gloss and eye-shadow shone a similar color.

“what a coincidence i just so happened to run into you. haven’t seen you in a while and you’re exactly as i remember you.” the tall, womanly orca lips’ quirked upwards, “lost, weak, frightened. some things simply never change, do they?”

“y-y-you...” shirogane swallowed the lump in her throat, physically having to force the words out of her throat. something was wrong, something was always wrong when idate was around, but this time, things were somehow worse, but her gut feeling only told her so much, not why.

“yes, you mangy mutt. it is me you’re looking at.” she snarled, stepping closer.

shirogane shakily stood up, back of her knees against the rock as her eyes trailed back and forth, trying to find the safest exit away from a possible forthcoming disaster.

“in a hurry somewhere, are you?” asked the orca.

“i have to get to yukisada… if i don’t, a-all those people in his care will die.” that had been a lie, she didn’t even make it to rocma’s house, but she instantly regretted trying to plead the orca to leave her alone just this once with whatever excuse she could muster out.

“oh, how selfless of that bird. how sad, then, that those weak beings all huddled together will just have to die?”

“p-please–“

“come on now, let’s play together. just like the old times, shall we?” she tried to reach out for her, but the other jumps to her left, leg accidentally kicking the gun a few feet away from her, turning her head to see if she could potentially make a grab for it.

“no! s-s-stay back!” the wolf bellowed.

“oh, but shirogane..." idate mused with sadistic glee in her voice, "you know what happens to poor, helpless puppies that don't listen to what i say?”

idate must have noticed her eyeing the harpoon gun next. the arctic wolf jumped for her only weapon in reach, just as idate was ready to pounce. nearly tripping over own feet, shirogane pointed the gun at her enemy and hastily pulled the trigger. with poor aim due to having only one intact eye only managed to pierce idate in the shoulder, with the harpoon poking out from the other side of her flesh, causing the orca to hiss in pain and stumble backwards.

it hardly seemed to unfortunately deter her, a mere twitch of eye and furrow of brows as she glared venomous daggers at the other and spoke, “i’ll make sure you pay for that.”

too frozen in her fight or flight instincts, shirogane couldn’t bring herself to move a trembling muscle until it was too late to raise the gun again to prevent assault at the last second. having been forced onto her back with harsh force, gun falling from hands and out of eye range.

idate caged shirogane underneath her, pressed into the freezing ground as deep crimson eyes glared into terrified golden ones. her left hand was around the wolf’s throat, harshly pressing against her windpipe – a direct threat she’ll crush her larynx with a mere flick of her wrist dared the other fight back. a whimper escaped the wolf, when a hand suddenly cracked against the side of her face with enough force for her chocked sobs to get stuck in her throat alongside a lasting red bruise. the orca pulled the harpoon out of her shoulder, lips turning into a snarl as she did, the action of doing so clearly causing a degree of discomfort, even if she didn’t show it outright.

she plunged the pointy, barbed spear into shirogane’s shoulder instead as she squealed, blood spurting and keeping her impaled in place, not having as much strength as idate to try and pull it out.

“now we can finally have a good playtime~” the orca smirked.

idate was ruthless in her violent actions, bared teeth and bruising grip that left wounds which wouldn’t heal for a while. normally she liked to play cat and mouse with her victims, entice them in, lure them with sweet words, and rip them apart once they realized a little too late what they’d gotten themselves into following such sultry voice of enticement into a death trap.

slipping her hand underneath the wolf’s skirt, scratching against her thighs as idate plunged three of her fingers into shirogane’s heat without warning. the wolf gasped and squirmed in discomfort at the sudden intrusion. she attempted to wiggle out of the taller orca’s vice grip, but her bare legs straddled the wolf’s hips, keeping her pinned securely.

her fingers worked at a merciless pace, as the wolf whined and choked on her sobs. just as she was beginning to get used to the uncomfortable sensations, idate added another digit inside her growing arousal, becoming slicker the longer she kept going with her ministrations. the pained whimpers were borderline turning into moans of pleasure.

it wasn’t too often when shirogane’s body felt violated and used by the orca to establish dominance over her, but it usually never lasted for too long and the orca never even allowed her to finish, preferring to dabble in humiliation and watching tears flow.

idate finally retreated her fingers, much to her relief (disappointment? no, definitely relief), leaving a trail of wet stickiness against her thighs and the feeling of her entire body quiver at the lost sensations.

there was a hot breath against the side of her neck, then a chunk of flesh was taken out of shirogane’s other shoulder, a much worse pain than what she already felt, crying out. idate stood up, admiring the work she left laying in the snow. but from the growing grin on her red lips told her victim she wasn’t done. something else was to come and she dreaded whatever it would be.

“i can think of all sorts of things to do that’ll look so good on you, i can promise you that, my puppy.”

abruptly idate had shirogane yanked up by her hair as the wolf yowls helplessly in pain. the orca wrapped a strong arm around the wolf’s neck and dragged her towards the ocean, while the wolf kept trying to drag her heels into the ground or kick her legs against her aggressor’s, which only made the pressure around her neck tighten. the orca stopped momentarily once they reached the edge of the iceberg, then jumped into the ocean without warning, drowning out shirogane’s yells for help once her head went below the surface of the water.

shirogane felt like she was drowning – and she likely was – air disappeared from her lungs, only to slowly be filled with salt water, through her nose and mouth, throat being engulfed by liquid. a vague illusion of light behind her eyes was the only thing she could gaze at. the sun was reaching out to her, trying to pull her back into the surface, but the mass of weight holding her trapped against her will only dragged her deeper to the bottom where no one would see terror and fright in her eyes anymore.

but something else entirely.

- : - : - : - : - : -

yukisada sat worriedly at the table. almost an entire day had passed and his housemate still hadn’t come back. it should logically have taken no longer than an hour or two, even if she might have ran into some trouble on the way, though he hoped that she hadn’t. his stomach clenched slightly at the thought. he really didn’t want for shirogane to show up half-beaten to death and for him to have another patient in his already occupied hands. the uneasy thoughts swimming in his mind only made him tap his fingers against the table nervously in irregular beats.

he had tried simple lemon tea and cold towels on their foreheads as an alternative for their bodies’ worryingly growing temperature. it seemed to work to a certain extend, but the plants he requested to be brought back might prove to be more effective.

at the sound of the door creaking open from the other room, the snowy owl’s head snapped up and his ears perked. he hoped his worst of thoughts would be proven false, sitting up from the stool as it slid backwards with a creak against the floor. he rushed from around the corner to spot a familiar fur of white hair and canine ears slowly peering inside.

at the slightest recognition of familiar appearance, yukisada was already beaming as he rushed over.

“oh, shirogane, you’re back! you took so long and i was getting really worried! are you injured in any–“

yukisada found himself unable to finish his inquiries, mouth gaping open when his mind finally processed what he saw at the front door gazing right back at him.

shirogane tucked the hair covering her injured eye away from her line of sight, except said eye was no longer squeezed shut due to the ragged scar that ran across it. she was staring back at him with both orbs intact. the injured eye was slightly crooked and not sitting quite right in her eyesocket, nearly threatening to fall out, but it was wide and an entirely wrong color.

red. he saw red.

(the color of the sea as it was now.)

she was wearing a miniskirt instead of an overall one, gray tights and fishnet stockings, boots with high-heels, one side of her white button-up was hanging loosely on her shoulder. her clothes looked slightly soaked, like she’d been thrown into water covered from head to toe, her usual curled, thick hair wrapped in a loose braid was straight and hanging limp on her shoulder, tips of it slightly darker due to still being wet.

“s-shirogane?”

the wolf smiled wide, baring her sharp teeth.

“i’m really sorry about that, yukisada. i got caught up in something else, you see, ah...”

a click of her boots against the flooring as she stepped a little closer, but yukisada stayed in place.

“i know you asked me to retrieve medicine for you... but i found something better on my way there.”

the snowy owl swallowed the lump in his throat, “o-oh, well, i gave the patients some tea to cool down their fevers, but some of them still aren’t doing much–“

shirogane interrupted him with a small frown of her lips, “those people are ungrateful and weak beings. she was right after all. i told her i was coming back to help them, but i really came to see you, yukisada... to take you with me.”

yukisada’s eyes widened slightly, “shirogane, are you alright?”

“oh, yeah!” she beamed, “never been better, in fact! i’m no longer in any pain or discomfort i like i was before. isn’t that a relief, finally?”

oh, no, no, nononono – something was wrong, terribly wrong. he didn’t want to believe it, but he couldn’t keep his internal facade of denials up for much longer. yukisada thought if something from the red sea in south had crawled its way over to the iceberg isle and infected shirogane with it – he had no knowledge of how it spread or what exactly it did to someone, but he did know for certain his friend was behaving too differently for something to not have happened while she was away. still, he would attempt to talk to her, maybe he just had a caught fever himself from one of the patients and was imagining this. he must have.

“who are you talking about anyway? shirogane, what happened to you? who did this to you?!”

yukisada took the risk in stepping closer to her, she may have looked wrong, but he relied on the possibility that his closest friend still wouldn’t possibly do anything to harm him.

“i’ll show you. if you come with me, then i’ll show you. you trust me, right? i’m your friend, yukisada. please, just trust me.” her voice went quiet, almost akin to pleading. and a part of him wanted to know the fiend responsible for making his friend act the way she did at that moment, but–

“but the injured people from the sea, they–!”

he tried to place his hand on her shoulder to pacify her, but she caught his wrist in a tight grip. it wasn’t painful by any means, but shirogane usually never inflicted this kind of force onto anyone, let alone him, out of everyone. but the kindness in her eyes was gone quickly as it came, her expression twisting into something akin to a snarl.

“co͝m͘e ̢o͜n͟,n҉o͞w,̴ y̶u͝kisa̷da҉. i̷date i̧s w͞ait̕i̛n͝g ̷a̵nd we͟ ̕d́o͡n’̀t want͡ t̶o ͢ma҉k̀e h͠er̢ anģr͝y̕,҉ d҉o we͟?”

[osmw1]

Dimension Wave  Chapter 33 — A Battle under Moonlight

It was our fourth day out venturing on the Sea of No Return.

The waters were calm, making for easy experience and loot. That was of course a good thing, but a few problems had surfaced.

“We’ve finished all the food that we brought.” “… ‘Kay.” “Oh, and we’re also out of bait. Once we eat through the fish I’ve caught, then we’re out of luck.” “W-Whatever shall we do?!” “There’s nothing worse than an empty stomach~”

We never planned to be on a long voyage. I mean, when I said that we brought food, it’s really nothing more than just simple rations. Well, it’s not like I can’t fish without bait, but it’ll be a little tricky to feed all six of us. My cooking skill isn’t that refined either, so it’s more than likely it’ll result in a few failed attempts. That means we absolutely need to obtain and maintain our supply level.

“It ain’t all bad though.” “What do you mean?” “See, we’ve been without fresh water for a few days and we’re alright, aren’t we?” “… I see.” “Altorese is indeed correct.”

It’s true. Water should have been a problem long ago. I remember someone saying that if you go hungry in the game, it might become a problem once you’re finished playing. It probably has something to do with the program that brings us back to real life. As my real life friend once said, Dimension Wave is like a dream that you can vividly remember. There’s something sad about that, but hey, at least playing this probably won’t hurt your school grades too bad, unlike video games. … Let’s get back on track to the problem at hand.

“It’s a game after all. We might feel hungry, but that’s just a virtual thing and we won’t die from hunger. Worst case scenario might actually be overeating.” “I don’t think that far ahead… Well, anyway, let me see if I can’t do anything about getting us more food.”

In the end, I was thrown back into fishing, which was what I wanted to do from the beginning. No more high-quality bait means that I won’t be able to catch us anything big like tuna but I’ll still be able to get smaller fish. Here was where my shining lure came into play. Since it’s always lit up, I’ve been using it as my light source at night. I also found out that the lure can’t catch me anything during daytime, but it attracts squid at night. Or so says Alto anyway.

“Hello, shining squid lure.”

Makes sense that you need a squid lure for squid. I mean, it looks like a normal lure… except for the part where it lights up. In any case, I could solve our hunger problem with it. Let’s get that squid. Not that I can catch anything but squid at night. In mere days, I caught myself close to 500 of them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

“I bite my thumb at thee, Miss Kizuna!”

Such were the hurtful words hurled unto me. Even Sheryl needed to vent her frustration of too much squid. That was by shooting them out of her ballista.

    Day in, day out, it was me, my fishing rod, and squid. Never mind the fact that I had over 1,000 of them in my inventory. What a lure. I still stood by the words I said that day at that time at that location: it’s worth every penny.

But there’s something about the Sea of No Return. Not sure what it is, but monsters come out only during the day. Even back at the outskirts of the First City, monsters would come out at night. What, did the devs want to give us a break or something? Seems highly unlikely. In any ordinary RPG, you’d find old clichéd dungeons like The Labyrinth or The Endless Desert where every route takes you down a different path and you can’t get out unless you solve a puzzle. It kinda feels like that. It’s getting close to a week out here at sea and we’re all getting a little stressed. Of course, the fact that we only have squid definitely contributes to it. We’ve gotta do something about this.

“Are they biting?” “… Oh, it’s you, Shouko.”

I was a little surprised when someone spoke to me since I get lost in my thoughts while late night fishing. Shouko sat down beside me and gazed up at the moon. The moon’s out tonight… It sure looks bigger in this world than the real thing. Big as it is though, it doesn’t shine very bright.

“Nature sure is wonderful.” “Something bothering you?” “Oh, no… Though I realize this world was created by people, who would think that a single storm would change all of our lives?” “Yeah, you’re right.”

We were unlucky getting sucked in by the storm, but I didn’t think that would result in all six of us living together on this ship. Up until now, we all had our individual rooms at our accommodation. It almost feels like we’re on a field trip together, at the risk of sounding like I’m taking this a little too lightly. But especially because of that, we must find a way to get through this together. Games are designed to be figured out if you pay close enough attention to the details. If we can’t find the answer, it means we’re not looking hard enough.

“Kizuna, you have a bite.” “S’alright. Squid aren’t that hard to catch.”

The tip of my line was bobbing up and down.

… No, wait. That’s no squid.

I had tirelessly fished for the past few days, so I know what squid feels like. There’s nothing but squid around here at night and it’s not because of my light-up lure. But that’s the problem. I’ve caught a thousand of them but this ain’t one. This had to be a rare catch. Literally. Anyway, time to reel…

“Come!”

—Kathunk! I’ve had a bite like this before and it’s a day and night difference compared to my normal catches. This… this was it. This was the Giant Herring.

“No, can’t be. This is more powerful…!” “Kizuna, it’s pulling our ship.” “… Damn! Go get Sheryl for me! I need her Harpoon skills or maybe…” “On it!”

I didn’t have the mental capacity to track Shouko as she disappeared under deck. My full attention was on the tip of my fishing rod. The line was connected directly to my cranial nerves. And when I felt it, I pulled… and reeled.

The reel, a compatible pairing to deep sea fishing and lures, was a new addition to my rod. It wasn’t too easy to the hang of it, but it provides a lot more leverage. The complex part is casting with a lure. It seems like it’s not too dissimilar to how they work in real life. Anyway, trust me when I say I feel like I’m one with my rod.

“… Here, Kizuna.” “Sheryl, you think you can use your harpoon and hit where I tell you to?” “… Possibly.” “Please! I won’t be able to do this alone.”

I mean, harpoons were originally for spearfishing anyway. It makes for a perfect weapon against a huge sea creature. That’s why I don’t think anyone would be more suited for this job other than Sheryl.

“… Where?” “Hold on…”

While we attacked and defended, I also tried to locate where the aquatic animal was. My mind and my rod are one. I… should know where it is. It should be like searching through with my mind, probably. Oh, I see. The Crystal of Mediation must’ve pulled its aggro. Maybe that’s why I was able to catch a thousand of them squid. But this… thing… I feel its hatred searing my skin. And it’s…

“Right there!” “… Bomber Lancer.”

A mid-tier skill for Harpoon-type weapons. It was a mid-range combat skill where you throw the harpoon like a javelin. With one hand on the cord, Sheryl chucked her harpoon out with an explosive visual effect. The missile audibly sunk deep into the creature. Reeling it in was instantly easier, but it started moving again.

“How many more can you do?” “I’m fine.” “I’m counting on you.” “‘Kay.”

It wouldn’t sit well with my pride if I let Sheryl do all the heavy lifting. As difficult as it was, I kept on reeling. From time to time, her harpoon would whiz by… It was strong enough to nearly stunlock the bastard. It helped immensely as I tried to fish it up.

“Keep it up!” “Mm.”

The battle dragged on, wearing down on our spirits. At least our enemy’s stamina is also being exhausted. But of course. It’s a 2v1. No way we’d lose.

“Sheryl, our next bout will end it!” “… Aight.”

With her harpoon gripped firmly, I signaled her to attack with all her might. And our enemy…

    “… I mean, I get it, but.”

We fished up—or rather, hunted—a humongous squid. It’s apparent that it’s related to the Giant Herring. Thank you very much. We couldn’t exactly heft it up on board, so we had it towed along with a rope. I mean, I say hunted, but we’re not sure yet if it’s a monster or not. “Kraken” wouldn’t be an unfair name for it. … I mean, Sheryl took it down with her attacks, so I guess it is a monster? Anyway, the harpoon is perfectly suited for fighting sea creatures.

“… Kizuna.” “Hmm? What’s up?” “I think you should gut it soon.” “Why do you… Ah, whatever. Gotcha. I’ll do it.” “Hm.”

I didn’t get the feeling she would answer even if I were to finish asking her, though there was something like a gleam in her eye. I guess shooting squid out of the ballista would’ve been effective, but eating nothing but it is another story. Not to mention that Sheryl had eaten the most out of any of us. … Maybe she likes squid? I decided it would’ve been wiser to not ask her and just to gut the Humongous Squid in silence. What I got was:

Water Deity’s Tentacle, Water Deity’s Fin, Water Deity’s Head, Water Deity’s Arm, Water Deity’s Mantle, Water Deity’s Heart, Water Deity’s Eye, Water Deity’s Shell, Top Quality Squid Ink, Top Quality Trimmed Squid

Just like with the Giant Herring, I received a surprising number of items from gutting. Maybe all of them boss creatures are like this, eh? And I suppose it was originally a squid turned water deity? Hmm, I wonder… what kind of weapons I could make with these parts…

“Sheryl, we’ll discuss it with everyone else, but have these items.” “… You sure?” “Why do you question it?” “Hm.” “I don’t have any ulterior motives. I just feel like it would be better if you held on to them.” “Hm.” “Call it a gut feeling. Speaking of which… that was kinda uncharacteristic of what you said earlier.” “… Not really.”

Whatever. Not like it’d help if I hounded her over it anyway. In any event, I handed over all the items I received by gutting the Humongous Squid. We’re still undecided, but it’d be nice if she could make a good weapon out of its parts.

“Kizuna! Sheryl!”

While we were basking in the glory of defeating the Humongous Squid, Shouko called out to us in a less delighted tone. I’ve seen her flustered only a handful of times since we’ve first met.

“What’s wrong?” “The ship is moving by itself.” “I’m pretty sure that’s what ships do.” “No, I don’t mean it like th—” “Kizuna.”

Sheryl interrupted Shouko as she pointed upwards. Our sails were furled. I looked around. A calm night without so much wind or waves. There was no one using Helmsmanship. And yet, despite so.

… Our ship was traveling at an unnatural speed.

contents: /prologue/ /ch001/ /ch002/ /ch003/ /ch004/ /ch005/ /ch006/ /ch007/ /ch008/ /ch009/ /ch010/ /ch011/ /ch012/ /ch013/ /ch014/ /ch015/ /ch016/ /ch017/ /ch018/ /ch019/ /ch020/ /ch021/ /ch022/ /ch023/ /ch024/ /ch025/ /ch026/ /ch027/ /ch028/ /ch029/ /ch030/ /ch031/ /ch032/ /ch033/ /next/

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[sinking-sank-surfaced]

Then Teeth. Then… Silence.

It was not truly quiet, Jaull-fish made disgusting gurgling noises and the sapphilite sacks sloshed around as the beast made its run, but after days of waves hitting the hull of the ship and loud men yelling, singing and laughing, the fact that all he heard were those noises was… silence enough.

That, and it was almost completely dark. The only thing that allowed him to somewhat see was the sapphilite, its dull, blue light softly illuminating the Jaull’s gullet.

And that’s where Pyke found himself in.

Harpoon stuck on the fish’s throat, just far away enough from its fangs that he walked around somewhat freely, if uncomfortably. The light hummed softly, making the ghostly white razors people dared to call ‘teeth’ not unlike pillars of some unholy religion. Bah. The harpooner sat down, making himself comfortable on the maw of the fish, or as comfortable as was possible, knowing he’d be dead soon enough.

And he didn’t even have rum with him. Woe was he.

He spat in disgust, and simply sat there, knowing there was nothing to do. Murdering the Colossus was an idea. But what was the point in making such an incredible feat that none would hear of? 'sides,  those sacks were worth more than the creature’s weight tenfold. To let such a treasure go to waste at the bottom of the sea… it made him sick in the stomach.

He felt it slowly leaning down, going deeper into the ocean, probably. Whatever happened to the ship he was in, he wondered? And shrugged. It wouldn’t be his problem soon enough. Already wasn’t. And deeper the beast went.

Pyke’s breathing started to get heavy. Time passed. How long? He didn’t know. He did, however, play around a little… experimenting before his death. What was the taste of sapphilite? Absolute rotten garbage and oilier than a fresh whale. What was a Jaull-fish’s taste? Raw fish meat. He’d be dead sooner rather than later anyway… at least he wouldn’t get sick from this.

More time passed. He carved into one of many of the beast’s teeth a message. 'Pyke Almost Killed This Monster Single-handedly, Before Fate Betrayed Him!’ It was a good message. Whoever harvested this demon would know they were not the first to try their hand at it. Well, they still would be the first to succeed…

Time. He took a nap.

Time.

How deep was the ocean? He could feel that it was going deeper, swimming. He still heard noises rumbling from the depths of the beast. Surely it was alive? How would he be breathing otherwise?

Time.

Pyke considered taking the easy way out. The Harpoon’s edges were still sharp. One quick cut and…

He decided to wait things out.

Time…

He ate again and slept.

Time.

No idea how long had passed. The pressure was getting to him now, though. If he knew anything about the sea and a Jaull-fish, and he knew a lot about both, the pressure should’ve squashed him like a bug under a boot by now. But like a cruel joke by destiny, he still clung onto life.

Finally, the beast’s maw snapped open. Sweet, sweet relief. He was spat out as water filled the creature, probably trying to hunt prey. Thankfully, its colossal jaw was so large he easily swam out without getting his clothes snagged on its terrifying fangs, still confused as to why the monster would simply… open up. Probably a harpoon on its gullet. That oughta make you cringe. Maybe it was yellin’.

As the colossus disappeared behind him, swimming to only Bouros knows where, he found himself in a dark, dark place. What he could only assume was the sun, if not some Angler-sharks trying to attract their next meal, was nothing but a shimmering dot a long way up.

How was he alive in depths so oppressingly impossible such as this? He could feel his lungs pleading for air already. And as he felt himself fading… he saw a light. Deep down, a soft blue hum just as the very oil of the Jaull, but dimmed even more so. And more of them started to pop up. Like a school of fish, they came rushing out of nowhere to litter the bottom of the sea, yelling, screaming in tongues that he only understood because… because….? “Breathe!”

And amidst all those voices, one loomed louder. The voice of a woman. Stern, but motherly. Sweet, but harsh. Resonating on his head. “Swim.”

Illaoi. The Serpent Mother. Guiding Kraken. Nagakabouros. The one that gave him his life… that preached for him to always seek further adventure, to be relentless, to swim, or sink. All he had done for Bilgewater, for his crews, the beasts he slew and the captains who were reduced to beggars to hire him for his feats… he was now dying 'cuz of 'em. His lungs reaching bursting point. He couldn’t hold it in any longer…

He opened his mouth, and sank, hearing the sound of a million voices cheering, and one impossibly loud yell of pure rage. The voices yelled louder, and louder, and louder.

Then silence.

He opened his eyes.

He saw the bottom of the sea mere inches from his face. He could tell this was the end. Of… something. The sea, maybe. He stuck his hand out to reach it.

Cracking sounds.

A tentacle grasped at him.

Dark– no, not darkness, blinding colors! Pyke yelled, water escaping his lungs as he saw the Leviathan that pulled him under the… bottom of the ocean?

The surface he saw was flat, sandy, and covered in rocks and the usual sea critters; barnacles, crabs and shrimps. A few worms. Horrible looking ones, sure, but… that had to be it. The bottom of the bin. Why was there a leviathan under there? Why was the sand so thin Pyke could easily slip through it? And worse.. oh, so terrifyingly worse.

Why were there buildings under there?

Not sunken vessels rigged to house people, as those from the Isles made did, no. Massive structures of stone Bilgewater had never seen the likes of, twisting and turning in impossible and impractical ways, with abyssal fishes so large that the streets had to be the size of islands. When Pyke tried to look up, he couldn’t see the sand he came through… and neither anything under the city, as it slowly drifted past them, revealing more and more of its impossible size. There was a disturbing lack of direction, as fishes swam upside down, the blue lights navigating with and past monsters that would drive a biologist insane.

And the music! The colors! He could only describe them as green and blue. But they were so much more. Vibrant, alive, glowing, warm, unlike any lake, river or bog. Not even the vast ocean in her might could hope to abridge such visual splendor. The music made him want to swim, swim deeper… up? Or was it the left? There was no point of direction. There didn’t even seem to be gravity pulling him up or down. There was water. And there was the city.

“Sink.” The leviathan spoke in a solemn hum which would only sound like a gurgle to anyone who wasn’t… well, who wasn’t Pyke. It snapped him out of his stunned gaze, as he turned his attention to the squid-like being.

“Drowned one. Find your purpose. For you. For us.”

It gurgled, before swimming away.

He did as he was told. What else was there to do? The music softened him. The beasts he gladly slaughtered greeted him as he floated down… up… somewhere. The blue lights hummed in Noxian, Ionian, Shuriman, Demacian… Bilgie. And he understood them all. It was surprising. But he started to get used to it. There were just… too many… everything down there. Like a whole world existed just under the sails he worked with.

And sink he did. Past the dark green rocks that made up the streets, through gaps the size of ships, still too small for any of the solemn deep monsters to pass through.

Past the Swimming city.

Past anything.

Past everything.

To the bottom of another world, where the green lights were as dim as the sun he last saw, where no blue lights wandered. And there he saw it. Or, he’s pretty sure he saw it.

A ship. A lifeline still tied to it. A massive hole was torn at its side. Skeletons. He swam closer, looking for the ship’s name…

Terror.

Rusty, but the letters were still clear as day. The ship he last boarded. And he remembered the bodies that littered it.  The one-handed spotter. That short skeleton… he knew those people. He swam inside, looking for one in specific. He knew who cut the line. The captain himself. And he didn’t find his body, although he did find more Golden Krakens and Serpents than even Gangplank would be able to count with his whole crew. Not that it mattered much to him… not anymore. But his blood was boiling. He was promised three krakens. There were enough inside that room to pay for all debts in Bilgewater at least twice through. He was getting scammed. He WAS set up!

His rage was quickly dulled by what he found stuck to the Captian’s chair, a terrifyingly sharp bone blade stuck to it holding.. something in place. The ship’s manifest. How much it cost, size, properties… crew members. He saw their names. Most of them crossed with red ink, but there were quite a few simply written down. Alive ones, he presumed. Some of the names, he couldn’t say he recognized. Gilbert? Kizra? Logan? They must’ve been cooks or just deckhands. No one he’d have known. But he remembered how… how many faces there were. Staring at him as the captain cut the line. So many… and

none stopped him.

He grabbed the blade and looked at the Manifest again.

More names. Some already crossed.

… did… did he read it right the first time? He paid no mind to it. Was too busy putting it on his belt. Found the bones of a creature down there too. Rope. Rum. He tried drinking it, but it was hard to swallow when you already were full to the brim with water. Threw the bottle away… or well, let it float up. Tied the maws of the beast that was on the cargo around his shoulders, knowing he was the only harpooner on the ship. The only one they needed… and that the body was made with his own hook. A reminder of the past. The man they killed. His last kill as a living man.

As he swam up, away from where nothing seemed to be truly there, he stumbled once again on the drifting city,  millions of dots coming up to him. They were the size of crab eggs, but with so many of them, how could one not see the wall that formed? Shining in azure hues, demanding Pyke to follow through with his thirst. Vengeance. Blood.

“Cut their lines! Cut their necks! Slice the bastards until there’s nothing left!”

Hundreds of tongues yelled, and what could the unlucky mariner do other than listen to it? Even the leviathans joined the chorus, their gurgles filling the odd city and even drowning the oddly peaceful music. “

Slash'em! Kill them! Drive hooks through their mouths! Drag them to the ocean! Make them suffer!”

He would not say no to them. The voices cheered as Pyke swam up, up towards another world, where most of the little lights came from. Drowned ones, as he came to know them. However, as he passed the threshold of one reality into the next one… the voices didn’t stop. They kept yelling. Even as he swam past Angler-Sharks, Mawlers, and Glubbers, the voices continued. Asking for murder. Vengeance. Terror betrayed him. Terror.

His captain betrayed him. The crew did nothin’. Terrified. Maybe they were paid to do nothin’. Greedy captain had enough to pay him a fair share and tossed what would be considered pocket change to that bastard. He was set up. He wasn’t gonna let it slide... not when he had a second chance.

He surfaced somewhere near the Slaughter Docks, watching the last warehouses start to close their doors and lock up.

He looked at the sky. Bright night. Few houses were missing, some were built on top of others. Quite a bit of time had passed… no matter. Couldn’t be more than a few weeks. Bilgie was weird like that.

He swam ashore and slowly walked up to a man closing his stall. Dark hair. Had a yellow jacket. Scruffy Beard. Smokin’ a pipe.

“… you a captain’?”

Pyke approached the man slowly, delighting himself in the scream of surprise from the man.

“N-no?”

“What’s your name.”

He didn’t remember the name anymore, but it was on the Manifest. Captain, clear as day. Bastard lied to him.

Name was still crossed to this day.

Maybe he killed too many men. Wasn’t a ship big enough out there to fit the hands he cut. Maybe a ship didn’t have fifteen captains. But the voices told him of revenge. Of his purpose. And Pyke loooooved listening to them cheer as he left the poor buggers to drown, in their own blood or the sea.

He knew that most of these deaths weren’t from the Terror no more. He was gettin’ someone else’s revenge.

Didn’t matter. Life wasn’t fair. He wasn’t alive no more. Butcher’s bill came due and he would make sure someone would pay. Besides… he had 'em all written down on the manifest. Clear as day who he killed. No death was a mistake. Bastards had it comin’, one way or the other.

[aikafuwaa]

SHOOTING IN A DESERTED ISLAND!EVENT PART 6 Aoi: Yoru~! They got us a lot of food from their adventure in the forest! Yoru: Uwaa! Potatoes in mushroom, and they also got edible wild plants! As planned, we will make a curry! Aoi: If it's an outing, I'm sure it will be a curry! It's a standard but cannot be removed. Yoru: Furthermore, we have a lot of edible plants and wild grasses. We could also make ohitashi and salad, but do you think can they eat these? Aoi: I thought there might be such a thing, I borrowed some books from Haru-san. Yoru: 『An Edible Wild Plants and Grasses Dictionary』...this is great! Aoi: Mushrooms and wild grasses, there are times when they will have a poison...there is also the difference in cooking order. We should look thoroughly to it. Yoru: Yeah...how about this book? It says, 『The Hunter's Meal』. Amazing, huh, 『Hunting the animals by yourself, cooking process, and eating!』. The capturing of different animals are written here. Kuroda, Shiroda: (tremble) Yoru: It's o-okay, Kuroda, Shiroda! We won't eat you! Aoi: That's painful for us to see that! Yoru: R-right! There are lots of food here, should we make a various cuisine of curry? Aoi: That's great! Then first, it will be an orthodox curry, then, edible wild plants curry, and later will be mushroom curry, hmm? Yoru: That would be later then. Speaking of something bright and vivid, isn't that an amazing mushroom color? Aoi: When Arata picked it, he said 『It's a special kinoko!』But, aren't you a little scared to use this? Yoru: Since seeing a kind of dangerous mushroom, huh. Even if it doesn't have a poison, it seems you will see a strange dream. Aoi: That's how it is. After all, Arata also said in admiration. Using this mushroom is an exception, though. Later on, using the seafoods, I would like to make a curry. Yoru: Then You, 『If you're talking about curry, it's me! Wait for me to catch an extraordinary seafood curry ingredients!』is he going to say with enthusiasm. Aoi: I will be expecting Mr. Curry's ability, then! Shall we start to prepare the other curry? Yoru: Yes! i really love this chapter. bias intended lol SHOOTING IN A DESERTED ISLAND!EVENT PART 7 You: Oiiiii, Kai! Where are you? Have you caught fish? Kai: Yeaaah! ...is what I wany to say but I haven't caught something big. You: Seriously...My『Seafood Genau Curry~Deserted Island Special』needs the best marine product... Kai: And that 『Seafood Genau Curry~Deserted Island Special』 , what kind of seafood are we going to have? You: Oh right...squid, octopus, hotate (scallop), clam's shellfish, and shrimps, maybe? Kai: I see, an extravagance! You: Well it's hard to actually arrange all of this in survival, at least the squid and octopus! I'd like to have all of these. Kai: Roger! I am earnest, too. Although, it will not work if you do not keep it at calm pace. Just wait for the prey, patiently...hmm? You: Kai! Pull the rod! A splendid hit! Kai: Alright, here it goes! ...This is. You: No matter how you see it, it's just a rubber boots! This is too classic! Kai: Ahahaha! Now, there are some things like this. Let's just hope for the next one! You: ...Haa, then, I'm entrusting you in fishing. I will change my approach shot. Kai: Change? But the fishing rod is here and you have no choice with harpoon? You: There is harpoon but can you even do skin diving? Then, I will catch shrimps and shellfishes there in the rock face of the sea. Kai: Oh! I think that's a good idea, but...is it okay? There are no equipments. You: Don't think too much about it. Besides, my strong backer is here. Magellan: Que!! Kai: Magellan! You: Underwater is Magellan's expertise. We will obtain all what we need! Kai: It's true that Magellan doesn't have a limit as reliable helper. Then, I will be here above the sea, you two will be in the sea. For the sake of our food, do your best. You: Yeah! ... Magellan: Que! You: (Oh! Magellan got another fish! I knew that penguin are the best in underwater! Now, I won't lose to Magellan. ...That rock's silhouette, I think that must be a hidden shellfish. Oh! What's that something red that I'm seeing? Eh, what's that?! Uwaaaaaaaaaaah?!) To be continued... www the next one is the last part. this was supposed to be last monday but school circumstances tho and also i was sick when i translated the part 6 so i think there were errors im sorry

[shu-of-the-wind]

rebelcaptain; siren and ace!pirate ii

BECAUSE I’M A TRASHCAN I KEPT GOING

I’m really interested in sirens in regards to like. Consent and brainwashing and stuff. SO I might go a bit overboard in later snippets in talking about that. BUT ALSO I JUST LOVE THIS DYNAMIC. 

EXPLICITLY DISCUSSED ACE THEMES IN THIS ONE. /dances around like a happy parrot

cw: some discussion of dead bodies, immolation, knives. 

In the weeks before she can leave the bed without falling, she learns more of sirens than she ever cared to.

"Spirits," says Baze, two mornings after she wakes up in the cottage. "Ask the siren these questions, not me."

Jyn frowns. "What if he's lying to me?"

"Sirensong doesn't affect you. He could lie to you, if he didn't want to talk about something, but he can't make you see or believe anything you don't want to."

"Why does it not affect me?"

"Figure that out yourself."

She nearly chucks her bowl of fish stew at his head. "I'm asking you."

"And I'm saying you have to figure it out yourself." Baze folds his arms. "It's a personal thing. I can't tell you if you like men or women or dancing bears more. You're the one who has to figure that out."

Jyn says, "I don't like anybody."

Baze says, "Well, that's obvious."

She can't help it. She snorts.

"Anyway." Baze rolls his eyes. "Sirens are like humans, mostly. Different groups with different opinions. You're just lucky you met Andor and not any of the Sith. They'd have torn you apart in the water, if they had the chance."

"I thought sirens had to bewitch humans to eat. 

"Sirens don't eat humans," says Baze. The look on his face says spirits, what kind of provincial moron have I been saddled with? "Humans have unwebbed fingers. Sirens sing. It's just what some sirens choose to do with it, is all."

Jyn's leg aches. The bone was broken in two places, Baze had said, but they were just fractures, not clean breaks; faster to heal. A pain in the arse either way. "But--"

Baze grunts. It's the kind of grunt that says, I'm going to beat your skull in if you keep arguing with me. Jyn sets her jaw, and glares at him.

"Some sirens use song to kill people," says Baze. "Some of them use it to hunt fish. Some of them use it to seduce humans. Some of them use it to sink ships. Some of them use it to defend themselves. All sirens are different."

She pushes her chin out. "And you're such an expert on sirens because?"

"For fuck's sake, girl," says Baze. "Are you always this snippy?"

Jyn bares her teeth. "I'm nicer if I have a knife."

"Tough luck," says Baze. "You don't get a knife until you can walk. And I'm sure that you're not going to stab me with it."

She scowls, and holds tight to the kyber crystal around her neck.

"Andor won't kill you," says Baze. "The sharks in the shallows are more likely to kill you than any siren around here. Andor and Antilles are the only ones in the area that I know of, and neither of them kill humans."

"Why?"

"Not my business."

She still wants a knife. She's not going to keep begging for one, but she's going to get one eventually. Baze just hasn't been stupid enough to leave a gutting knife on the table, yet. He'll get sloppy soon. She's sure of it. "Is Antilles here?"

"He's traveling," says Baze, without blinking. "Won't be back for a while. Sirens usually travel during the autumn."

"Why is Andor here, then?"

"Ask him that."

She's going to get that damn knife and cut all his long ropey hair off his head in revenge for this. "Why'd he save me, anyway?"

"Ask him that."

He'd said it'd been his fault. The more time that passes since the wreck, the less she remembers, so if Andor says it's his fault, she'll take it, but she's still not entirely sure why he'd pulled her out of the water. He could have just let her drown. She scrapes her spoon over the bottom of the bowl, thinking.

You weren't affected. It meant I could get you to shore without--

Being pawed at like a doxie in an alleyway, presumably. Though why he'd done that--

"Don't hurt yourself," says Baze.

This time Jyn does chuck her bowl at him. It's empty. Baze looks undeniably pleased with himself, in a grouchy sort of way, when he collects the bowl and the spoon and goes outside to wash them in the stream.

The siren--Andor, Cassian, whatever he wants her to call him--doesn't come back for the first week. She's glad of it. She's not sure she could have handled any more information, that first week. By the second week, though--by the time Baze is going out all day on his own, to fish, and the sun keeps casting low shadows over the fireplace, and there's thick smoke in the cottage and nothing for her to do--by then she's frustrated. Jyn can go for days without speaking to anyone, by choice, but there's a difference between choosing to sit alone in the corner of a ship for days at a time and being trapped in a ragged cottage with no way to defend herself and no means of escape.  

It's the ninth day since she woke up when someone scuffs their fingers over the threshold of the cottage. It's the siren. Cassian. Andor. Jyn knits her hands up in the blanket, and watches him for a bit in silence.

"Can I come in?" he says, slowly, like he's testing out the flavor of the words. She jerks her head.

"Whatever."

He creeps in to the cottage. All his clothes are much too large for him, this time. The trousers sag around the hips, the knees; the collar of his shirt is so large it's almost slipping off one bony shoulder. It's Baze's shirt, she realizes. Baze's clothes. She knows the tear in the right sleeve. She'd seen Baze slice his shirt up by accident, two days ago.

"How is your leg?" he says, and stands at the end of the bed. It's brighter in the cottage than it had been on his first visit, and she can finally make out his feet. They're scaled around the ankles, patchy with gleaming grey-green shine up his calves, with long, oddly flat toes. They're webbed, just like his hands. Unlike his hands, though, his feet are weighed down with wicked-looking talons. They're curved, almost like a bird's, but smaller. Jyn stares at them for a bit--there's no blood on them that she can make out--and then darts a look up at the siren's face. He's watching her, too, that same odd awestruck gleam in his eye, but his face is smoother, now. There are more secrets in it. Like he's actively thinking about hiding from her, instead of just struck dumb with shock.

Fine, she thinks. Two can play with that.

"Hurts," she says finally.

"I'm sorry." He wets his lips. His hair drips onto the shoulders of his borrowed shirt. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Not unless you can heal broken bones."

"No," says the siren. She thinks his mouth might be curving, just a bit, but then the light shifts and he looks just as serious as always. "I can't."

"Then no."

Cassian nods, and then finds the chair Baze uses sometimes. He drags it over to the edge of the bed, perches on the corner of it. There are scales on his wrists, too. She hadn't noticed those the first time. The pale webbing between his fingers gleams with drops of ocean water.

Jyn leans back against the pillows, and says, "Do you eat humans?"

Cassian blinks at her. His lips part. He has edges to his teeth, she notices. Not quite human, not quite shark. Somewhere in between. "No."

"Some sirens eat humans."

He shifts, uncomfortably. "Baze said he told you about the Sith."

"He said I should ask you."

Cassian brushes his hair out of his eyes with wet fingers. "There's only one group that will actually--eat humans. And they're--" He considers. "Not well liked."

Jyn considers that for a bit, and smooths the blanket out over her good leg.

"Most of us sing to defend ourselves," he says, still in that soft voice. It's higher than she thinks it ought to be, just a touch. "Like humans use harpoons."

She scowls. "We only harpoon whales."

"Do you?" His eyes go curiously flat, deep and dark like dim water. "I've seen squid and sharks and Mer harpooned for no reason other than they came too close."

Something squirms in the back of her throat. "That's different."

"It's not." Cassian leans back in his chair, considers her. "Song is a defense. That's what most of us use it for."

"I've heard stories," she says. "Sirens who sing just to lure sailors to die. Or--or to bed them, and drown them in vengeance."

He grimaces. "There are exceptions to every rule."

She considers that, too.

"You said they weren't your friends." Cassian tips his head. "The men on your ship."

"We all worked for the same captain," she says. "Doesn't make us friends."

Cassian digests that. "You're a pirate."

Jyn shrugs, and draws the hem of the blanket through her fingers.

"I've been pulling them free of the wreck." He flexes his webbed fingers, doesn't quite look at her. "The dead. There's no hard earth on Jedha, I can't bury them, but--I heard humans burn their dead. I've been--there's a bonfire on the far side. There are only one or two I haven't--sent off, yet."

Jyn watches a dribble of ocean water trail down his neck. She says, "How many?"

"Thirty-three so far."

There had been thirty-seven on the ship, including her. She looks down at her knees, lumpy under the blanket.

"The ship's only half-submerged," says Cassian. "If you need anything, I can go look. I don't know if it's been damaged."

"Why would you?"

He shrugs. "It's my fault it sank, and that you're hurt. And that they died."

That's true. Still. "You don’t have to."

"Baze says you can't be moved for another few weeks," says Cassian, fast enough that he must have been thinking about it. He peeks at her, and then away, and she realizes in that split second that he's curious. About what, she can't be sure. It's not like he's never met a human before. "The leg's too fragile. So if you want anything, someone's going to have to get it for you. Me or Baze, probably. Or Bodhi, when he arrives."

He shuts his mouth with a snap, and blinks. She gets the feeling he usually doesn't talk that much. Not all at once, anyway. His eyebrows are creeping up his forehead like caterpillars on a garden wall.

"Yeah," says Jyn. "The whole thing makes pissing a nightmare."

He doesn't flinch. He doesn't even blink, really. He just looks at her for a bit, and turns his head away like he's trying to hide a smile. "Sorry."

"Who's Bodhi?"

Cassian looks towards the door. "Human merchant. He shows up sometimes. He's immune to sirensong like you, means he can--bring Baze things without being in danger."

That's not all he does, she thinks. Still, she doubts Cassian's actually going to explain it. "Why are we immune and other humans aren't?"

Cassian folds his hands together, letting them dangle between his knees. He doesn't link his fingers--he can't; the webbing gets in the way--but he does cover one hand with the other, curling them together.

"I'm not sure," he says, after a beat. "There aren't--many. I don't think. I'd heard of it, before I left, but I didn't think I'd ever meet one. Humans like you are rare."

"Humans like me?"

He looks at her. "Humans who don't want other humans. Or anyone, really."

Jyn blinks. She blinks again. Cassian watches her for a bit, waiting, unblinking. She swallows.

"What?"

"Some men want men," he says. "Some women want women. Some want both. Some don't want anybody at all. The ones who don't want anybody at all aren't affected by sirensong."

There's something buzzing in her ears. She can't quite hear him properly. "Oh."

Cassian blinks at her. "Do humans not talk about this?"

"I," she says, and then stops, because her tongue is sticking to the roof of her mouth. "That--"

She hadn't known there were other people like that, she almost says. She snaps her teeth around it, and keeps it close.

"If a Mer bites a human it grants an immunity to sirensong," says Cassian, carefully. "The humans that are naturally immune are generally that kind of human. The ones who don't want, or don't--feel that kind of thing."

Jyn looks at him, at the shading over his face, the mask he's settled over his features, and then says, "Do you feel that kind of thing?"

Cassian meets her gaze. He does not look away. "That's none of your business."

"Then stop asking me about mine," she says, and turns her face to the wall.

Silence for a moment.

"Sorry," Cassian says. He flares his webbed fingers. "I just--don't meet humans like you. I don't meet humans at all, generally. But--there aren't many people who are immune. I want to understand how it happens, that's all."

She wants to hold her knees to her chest. She can't, obviously--it'd hurt--but she wants to. She feels safer that way. "Is that why you saved my life?"

"No," says Cassian, very fierce. The mask cracks around his eyes. "No, I--I could save you because of it. It's not why I saved you. I saved you because I didn't want you to die."

Another impasse. Jyn curls her hand tight around the kyber crystal, wishing she could work out what to say.

"I forgot," says Cassian. He shifts, and draws something out of his pocket. "I found this in the wreck."

It's a dagger. Jyn looks at it, and then at him, and then snatches it out of his hand, pressing it close into her palm with all her fingers. The sheath is tacky with dried ocean water, salt crusting at the hilt, but when she draws the blade and plays it through her hands it's still sharp as a rock shear. She sheathes it, draws it, sheathes it. Cassian watches her do it with eyes that have gone just a bit wide.

"Baze said you wanted a knife," he says, as Jyn flips the blade up into the air and catches it. "So I thought of you. When I found it."

"Baze thinks I’m going to kill someone," says Jyn.

"You won't," says Cassian.

"You can't know that." She flips the knife again. "I'm a pirate."

Cassian looks at her through damp bangs, the corner of his mouth hooking up, just a bit. "I trust you."

It's a miracle that she doesn't slit her own thumb open, at that. Jyn sheathes the blade, and shoves it under her pillow.

"I won't tell Baze," says Cassian. She thinks he might be teasing. His eyes are all crinkled at the corners. "But--so you have one."

"Right," says Jyn. She clears her throat. "Thanks."

"What port did you sail from?" Cassian draws his foot up onto the chair, rests his chin on his raised knee. "What island?"

She tells him. She's not sure why, but she tells him. There's still a distant buzzing in her ears.

Some don't want anybody at all.

[magiccallie]

Expedition to Yamar

3.5k words

   The ocean waves lapped at the stones of the ruin. The remnant of a near forgotten civilization, it had long since been abandoned by savory types. The easy looting was done too, leaving nothing but mystery and the potential of danger to those who would comb its depths. The expedition assembled for this task was a group of five individuals, each chosen carefully for their strengths. Most literally for Brick, who was little more than a pack beast to the others. He was a homunculus, created from clay, wood, flesh, and a chunk of a meteor, for labor. He spoke little, followed orders well, and could break bones with a single strike. Occasionally though, there would be hesitation in his responding to orders, and his glass eyes held a curious intellect as he watched the others. Only Timo Thea noticed that though, and he wasn’t telling.    If Brick was the muscle of the group, Timo was the medic. He was tall, and had the dark skin and pointed ears of the Ariami. He had a little of the other’s skills, but his strength came from his medical knowledge and a talent for pattern recognition. He hoped to be using the latter skill more, but carried a small case of equipment anyways.    Gunthry was their expert on Yamar history and culture, and doubled as their occult consultant. He wore the thick dark blue robes of their order, which he seemed to recede and sink into the cool nights of the coast. His attitude was poor, and his interest was wholly on discovering more about his favorite culture. Their scout was named Midge. The thick headed blonde was their only outside assistance on the expedition. She let her tanned skin show in between simple leather armor and cloth, and carried a harpoon for defense and hunting. Midge was interesting in money and little else.    Finally there was the reason they were there. The silver tongued Skyglance. The blue eyed de-facto leader had convinced  the Director of their site these ruins had not been fully excavated, and that there could be value in investing in an expedition. She was a polymath, and charming, and had forgone their robes for the clothes of the locals. Inside those draped, loose clothes, she had hidden several knives and lock-picks, which was the most Timo had ever seen her carry. No one spoke of it but for her success was a matter of life and death, and she flitted about assisting and directing.    They were there, at the edge of the ruin. Dusk had turned to night, and the stars glittered and watched from above. Timo they had taken to checking their position in relation to the remaining structures as the expedition contemplated and planned. “We should wait for the morning, it will be easier to see.” Gunthry put out from within his robes.    Skyglance scowled, “it seems like a waste of time to do nothing tonight, perhaps a cursory glance?”    “It’ll be dangerous.” Midge said, leaning on her harpoon. “Growing up we were told to stay out of the ruins because things lived in um. Thought they were just trying to scare us, but a couple friends and curious idiots went missing in um.”    “Well that is why we have you and Brick, we won’t go deep, just see what is close. Timo Thea, thoughts?”    “Hrmmm? Oh, it’s important to know what is around the camp, and it will tell us where to go in the morning.”    Skyglance smiled widely. “Well said, now come on, we will stay together. Brick come along.”    Midge and Gunthry grumbled, but went along too. The streets had been worn down over the ages, and sand had built up, but it was surprisingly well kept. They walked slowly through the empty passages, and noted three nearby entrances further in, and an enormous statue watching the sea. Two of those entrances led to empty rooms, but the third held promise. No sign of dangers presented themselves though, and they were allowed to rest. Gunthry had interest in the statue, Midge preferred to head deeper in sooner, and the group was split on opinion again. They let it sit for the night, but when Skyglance and Midge had fallen asleep Timo poked Gunthry.    “Pssst, hey, want to go check out the statue?” Despite his earlier protests, Gunthry did not hesitate to nod and grab his pack. Timo walked to the homunculus, who was acting as their sleepless sentry, and whispered, “Brick, would you please accompany us to the statue. If all is clear there you may return to your post.”     Brick looked at Timo Thea with those glass eyes for a moment, then nodded. As they walked Gunthry asked, “Why are you curious about the statue?”     Timo gave him a toothy smile, “I’m curious if there is any correlation with position and our current stars. And it seems remarkably well preserved from here.”     “It’s too dark to make out details, but it might be magical. In any case often times such statues will have inscriptions, and held a semi-religious purpose. A sort of monarchy worship from speculation, though historical accounts from their contemporaries do not mention royalty.”     “Hmmmm.” Timo grunted. Brick’s heavy footsteps and the crash of the waves on the near stone was the only sound they heard. In the swamps that would be a sign of trouble, here it was almost welcome. As they neared the statue, it became clear it was not as normal as they expected. It was a giant carving of someone sitting on a throne like chair, standing thrice as tall as Timo Thea. The figure was clad in a long skirt that went over the statue’s feet, an odd frill like headdress, and little else. It looked as if it had once had gemstones for eyes, long since stolen, and its ears had been broken off. Its hands were still there and seemed oddly webbed, which Timo chalked up to artistic interpretation. A worn inscription was at the base the carving stood on, and Gunthry went to it muttering to himself excitedly. Timo eyed the figure, and turned to Brick, “Hey Brick, if you could help push me up to this thing’s head you’ll be free to head back.”     Brick stared blankly and walked towards him. With inhuman strength it lifted him up. It was a stretch, but Timo Thea could just make it. As he clambered up the shoulder Brick turned and began to walk away. “Thank you.” He called, then turned his attention to the statue. Its gaze, while set solidly on the horizon, did not match any stars or constellations he knew of in this summer sky. Nor would it even hit the rising sun or moon. So that was a bust. Scowling, he looked about at the ruin around them. There was a pattern there, though it was damaged with age. The entrances and passages were set as such the whole thing made a shape that was… Timo grunted in pain and held his head, the movement made him wobble but he kept his balance and rightened himself. He did not look at the ruin directly again, but noted the center of it held their main point of interest, a large strangely shaped temple sitting like a squid at the center of a writhing mass of tenticals.     Now how to get down… The Areami slid down the statue onto its lap, then back to the ground. Gunthry was still working with the inscription when he got there. “Hey Gunthry.” He shook the little man’s shoulder trying to get his attention.     Gunthry waved him away and muttered something unintelligible. Timo Thea considered dragging the man away but decided it was not worth it and wondered back to update their map.     Dawn found him restlessly turning in his sleep sack, and Gunthry had not returned. After some expressed concern Timo led Midge and Skyglance to the statue. Gunthry was still there, wide eyed and grinning. “I’ve got it! This isn’t a king it is a high priest, Nthga the Second according to this. Naturally as a seaside culture they’d have held the ocean in reverence, and had this built so this Nthga could watch over it. No one know where the Yamar went, perhaps they ran out of fish and starved, or else sailed off somewhere.”     “That’s uh, something Guns.” Midge said disinterested. They went back and gathered their things, and journeyed further into the ruin. Timo Thea tried to describe what he had seen from above, but each time he tried to picture the shape accurately his head hurt. Gunthry explained that some glyphs can cause such pains, and asserted the society would have had to had a strong magical influence to build such a thing. And a strong aversion to something in the air to want to. That perked up their spirits and tantalized their curiosity, and they picked up the pace.     As Gunthry made notes on the layout of the ruin in how it would relate to the culture, Midge managed to find a skeleton. “Hey Timo Thea, com’ere.”     The medic walked closer, the corpse was old, and sprawled in a corner. Midge had a small sack in her hand, and was inspecting the corpse for further valuables, “This guy is a bit beyond my skills Midge, what did you call me for?”     “How uh, how’d they die? They’re dressed like one o’ those past explorers, not a local, and ooooooh, they had this fancy ring an these coins. In the sack with ya.” She said in a sing songy voice as she dropped the ring in the bag with a clink. “Gunthry’ll be able ta appraise these better I’m sure.”    Timo ignored the cheerful display of grave robbing and focused on the corpse. A finger was broken off thanks to Midge, but that was not a problem. He inspected the rib cage and skull. The rib cage had scratched, but that could have been weathering and scavengers, the skull was cracked in the back. Eyes narrow, he looked further and saw the hip bones were fractured in several places and what he had assumed was do to scavengers may have been more, like the missing bones below the right knee. It looks like he was being attacked, fell, was killed by hitting his head, then left and devoured over time….this area isn’t known for big predators. He shared his thoughts with Midge, the scout agreed that there shouldn’t be anything big and dangerous around them, but reminded him that magic and monsters were both a possibility.     They went to bring their findings to the others, when Skyglance held up a hushing finger, and pointed. Around the corner was another group of four people. Each had purple robes and were of average human size. Two had longswords at their sides, and three had their hoods down. Of the faces they could see there was a pointy faced tan brunette woman, a pale face freckled raven haired woman with one of the swords, and a thin faced bug eyed, balding man, Timo recognized no one.     They pulled back to talk as the strangers went on. “I’m confused,” Midge started, “aren’t ya on the same side?”     Skyglance shook her head, “They’re from a different facility. Hightop. It is unlikely for them to share anything they find with us.”     Gunthry scoffed, “Those ore suckers couldn’t tell a tweezer from a caliper. It’s amazing they came to the same conclusion as we did around the same time.”     “Yes, perhaps someone’s been talking… no matter, be wary, you know how efficient they’ve been with their equipment research, and their beast department is respectable if obsolete. I would be surprised if they didn’t bring even one broken sorcerer or fancy weapon.” Skyglance said quickly. Timo Thea noticed she was tapping her thigh as she spoke, and when they moved she had trouble not darting ahead. They kept wandering to a minimum now, always after the main temple and their goal. Skyglance grew increasingly frustrated at each misstep and dead end, though they recovered quick inscriptions and sketches of carvings with each.     It was two more days into their research and gathering that Timo Thea asked, “How are we doing on supplies?”     They checked, and cursed. “Two days?! We have enough to get back, and two days for exploration. Assuming they haven’t already made off with everything. We’ve been wasting too much time searching and scavenging. We head for the temple and press until we make it.” Skyglance declared. Gunthry sighed, but the others seemed complacent in the order. The ruin had only become creepier each day, and the temple’s shape had been so tempting and close. It had a strange shape that temple. It almost looked to have grown there from a massive piece of coral. They were so focused on the patterns and shapes that grew from it and finding the right route to it, they were surprised when they succeeded. As they came upon the archway into what looked to be a plaza for the temple, the Hightop expedition rounded the opposite corner.     “Told you I saw Teracoma boys.” One whispered.     The two long swords were drawn, but it was the pointy brunette who spoke. “Greeeeeeeeat just what we need. Fighting other facility members is frowned upon, but no one will know if you happen to disappear.”     Midge readied her harpoon, but Skyglance held up a hand. With a winning smile and a hand on a hidden knife, she stepped forward and said, “It is said this place is guarded by a monster. It would have to be ancient and powerful to still be around. Perhaps we could work together to take it out.”     “And then we still fight over rights to what is in the temple You are postponing the issue.”     “Not necessarily, after all, the corpse of such a creature would be valuable, particularly to your facility. And it could yield some fine research. You could have the corpse, and we’d get the temple.”     “You’re assuming a lot.” The brunette replied, her voice rising. “We are just as curious as you are, and our group is better prepared.”     Timo noticed movement near the temple. “Uh guys.”     “We have a homunculus, do you really think you can take us!”     “I really do! Our weapons are designed to react to their power stones and destroy them, your living statue is as good as you are!”     A hellish creature burst through the entrance they stood at, nearly consuming both women as they jumped back. It was huge and worm like, its front end all one big mouth separated by four massive teeth that gnashed at them. Lined down its head on four points were three rods rows of large black eyes. Beyond that its length stretched and bent, in a fleshy almost maggot like body that had fins growing from it and pushing it along. Skyglance left one of her daggers in it as she jumped, but is seemed like a papercut. “Come on!” She ordered, dashing around its thrashing body and towards the temple. They followed, and ran up the steps to the strange building.     It was large and open inside, built for large gatherings of worship. At the other end of the room was a blood caked altar. They ran to the throne, and found the altar had gold inside, and an ornate amulet. They grabbed it without hesitation and left. Outside, the monster was fighting with the Hightop crew. It had gashes on its side, but the bug eyed man tried to run, and for his trouble a set a long tongue whipped out and dragged him in whole like a frog. It thrashed and turned towards their group as they ran. Midge threw her harpoon which sank into its hide, but did not stop it.     “Brick take that thing out!” Skylgance ordered as they maneuvered around it and stared running back is it chased them through the maze like streets. For the first time, Timo Thea watched Brick outright refuse an order. Shaking his clay head as he continued to run.     Huh, so the rumors are true, if we survive this I may have to look into that.     “Tongue! To-AH” Gunthry warned before dissapearing into the creature. The action slowed it down long enough for them to lose it and regroup.     “We’ve got to go back for him that think took them whole. They should still be alive for a short time.” The medic said.     “Us and what weapons Timo Thea? Midge lost her harpoon, my knives do little against something that size, and their weapons didn’t do the job.” Skyglance replied, clutching the amulet close. “We lost him, let’s go.”     That isn’t right. I can’t just leave them. The medic thought uncomfortably. “Stay in town an extra night. If I do not return leave without us.” He told her, feeling like he was signing a death warrant.     “I’ve done my share, an with no weapon I’m not goin back.” Midge said as she shook her head.     Skyglance sighed, and tossed Timo one of her knives. “One extra day, good luck.”     Timo Thea stepped back towards the temple, and too his surprise Brick stepped forward as well.     “Oh sure, you’ll help him. Something is up with this thing.” Their leader grumbled as she hurried away.     “Thanks… are you sure.”     Brick said nothing, but took another step forward. They jogged back, and saw the broken body of the raven haired woman, her sword laying beside her. Unfortunately they saw the monster too, and it looked angry.     “Brick the sword!”     The homunculus moved with surprising speed, grabbing the blade in its massive fist and facing the thing. It shot its tongue, and the living clay had the audacity to chop it off. The thing thrashed, blood spraying in a gelatinous mess. It rushed forward, probably trying to crush Brick against he wall like the dead woman at his feet. Brick punched it and sank the blade into it to slow it down, but still wound up crushed against the stone. Cracks appeared on stone and homunculus, but the big brute did not stop moving. With effort he pushed the wormthing off him and Timo Thea stabbed at its eyes to distract it.     Brick struck it again and left a huge gash, but was in turn caught in its gnashing jaws. The thick rock like teeth shattered the homunculus’s torso. The sword, Brick’s hand still around it, clattered to the ground with a heep of unmoving parts. Timo Thea tried to climb up the creature towards the harpoon, but it began to thrash about, forcing him to hold onto the exposed shaft for dear life. Surprisingly not only did the medic manage to keep his grip, but the creature’s attempts began to slow as if it was weakening. It slammed into a few walls trying to knock him off, wiggled about the temple plaza, and finally was still.     After a moment Timo Thea reluctantly let go of the shaft and checked for a pulse and eye movement, but saw none. To be safe, he pushed the harpoon further down and went in search of the sword. Brick’s glass eyes had more surprise than should have been possible, and it made him a little ill. With a sigh he brought the blade over and started to hack into the creature. It was long, disgusting work, but eventually he opened a hole in it. Out come Gunthry, the bug eyed man, and the brunette, all with burns and looking unconscious.     “Oh what’s a medic to do, living flesh in pain.” He chided to himself as he worked on the unconscious bodies.     The pointy brunette woke up first, and looked confused, “I thought we were dead, why save us?”     “To be perfectly honest, him.” Timo replied, pointing to Gunthry. “We lost some members but you and ugly here should be alright. The burns were minor. Get the feeling it is used to a long digestion period do to lack of food.”     “I… thank you anyways. You ever need anything while in Hightop, look for Sapphire.”     Timo smiled weakly. “You should get out of here, we have no idea if there are any more. And I have to get him to town quickly.”     She nodded, and they parted ways, dragging their companions with them. Gunthry woke up halfway back, and was very thankful.     Skyglance’s eyes lit up when she saw them. Fear, or maybe shame, passed the confidant woman’s face, and her brows hardened when she counted heads. “Glad you proved me wrong. I am sorry I-“     “I know I know, the mission was more important. If nothing else if I had failed you doing that would have meant it was not all for nothing.” Timo Thea interrupted, trying not to sound angry and bitter.     Skyglance sighed, and gestured to Midge, “She’s leaving too, we have plenty to finish paying her though. With her and…Brick gone, it looks like our guards are gone. If we go on another expedition together we’ll have to find someone else.”     “Unlikely, Yamar is…was my passion.” Gunthry said quickly.     Skyglance chuckled, “You never know, the world is a large place full of secrets. And now we have a track record of success.”

[seprofcorp]

“ MANIFEST ( WHAT THE F”?? DESTINY”: “FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA, U KNOW WHO, THE HYM  GOES, “GAVE THIS LAND TO ME”??LETS GETHIM( G-D) TO PICK UP ON FACE TIME TO CONFIRM THIS TALL TALE”):"LIVE AND DIE(IF YOUR ANYTHING WILD(ANIMALS, PLANTS, HELPFUL INSECTS, POISONING GOOD CROPS(ANYONE FOR " FARMED SALMON" BEST READ UP ON"CHINES CONNECTION FOR " =POND RAISED TAPIA(PONDS ADJACENT TO HERDS OF COWS(DUNG DRAINING INTO THOSE SAME WATERS, THEN, GUESS WHERE "THIS SH*T"& whatever they dump in as feed , WINDS UP IN YOU& YOURS STOMACHS,ALONG W/GOOD OLD "AMERICAN "LAWN CARE POISONS?HERBACIDES,+ GOOD OLE BOY "FLORIDA FARMER PESTICIDE RUN OFF (FOR HOW MANY UNRESTRICTED YEARS??), DOWN DOWN DOWN THE "RIVER" TO FINAL DESTINATION: "THE SHRINKING, DYING EVERGLADES", THEN OUT TO"PURE, PRISTINE GULF OF MEXICO/ATLANTIC OCEAN, TO BE CONSUMED BY SMALLER FISH, BY LARGE FISH, TILL THOSE "HIGHLY PRIZED GAME FISH" , CAUGHT, EITHER CONSUMED AT HOME, RESTAURANTS, COURTESY OF BOTH FOREIGN/AMERICAN COMMERCIAL FISHING BOATS/TRAWLERS. DO NOT FORGET THOSE TASTY EXPENSIVE " BOSTON, ATLANTIC TRUE(DOUBLE CLAWED LOBSTERS, & SOUTHERN IMITATIONS(REALLY JUST MERE "CRAYFISH"( NO LOBSTER CLAWS, UNLESS THEY KEEP THEM HIDDEN SO AS NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH SCUBA DIVERS/FISHERMAN HUNTING, THEN EATING THEM. YUMMY TO THE TUMMY??SPEAKING OF "MERCURY' iN TUNA FISH & MORE:(GROUPER, WHITE, COD, SAIL FISH, SQUID, WHALE BLUBBER(YES, FOREIGN(JAPANESE & MORE{ STILL HUNT, HARPOON,KILL, BRING TO PORT FOR CONSUMPTION/COSMETICS & MORE(AND U THOUGHT " MOBY DICK'(GREGORY PECK ORIGINAL VERSION MY "FAV" & "THE BOOK TOO"). IN NAME OF SURVIVAL/TECH. PROGRESS, WE(HUMAN RACE & THE "KINGS OF AMERICAN INDUSTRY:(AMERICAN & FOREIGN) HAVE & KEEP ON(LIKE " ENERGIZER BUNNY" DOING SAME"(PUMP THAT OIL, FRAC THAT COAL DEPOSIT,STRIP THAT COAL MINE(NOW W/BLASTING ), POLLUTE WITH CARS, PLANES, DUMP SH*T INTO OCEANS, FRESH WATER WAYS FROM BOATS, EVEN "DUMP PLANE FUEL(STANDARD, OFTEN NEEDLESS REQUIRED PROCEDURE" FOR ANY TYPE OF PLANE EMERGENCY LANDING(EVEN FOR CRAZED "PASSENGERS??". "AMERICA, LOVE IT OR LEAVE it";"MANIFEST DESTINY" ( from sea to shining sea:( all man made up slogans " to justify/mask/camoflage,legitamtize "killing of "american land, stealing of natural inhabiTANTS LANDS, AND IN THIS COUNTRY, SPECIFICALLY, A MAD MAN(IN MY OWN HUMBLE OPINION(DRIVEN, PLACED, PROTECTED BY THE LIKES OF AMERICA'S BUS. ELITE EMPIRE MEMBERS( ANY BODY FOR A "COKE:(I NEVER DID, LIKED "PEPSI:(SHOUT OUT TO "LATE "KING OF POP ("MICHEAL JACKSON").I WILL NOT "CONVINCE ANY ONE WHO IS ALREADY "CONVINCED"TOO BAD, SO SAD. CHOW.(EXHAUSTED,SO NO TIME/ENERGY TO "CORRECT MY TYPOS, FEW LOWER CASE WORDS,(HIT THE CAP. LOCK KEY , OLD FINGERS..FOR THOSE FULL OF HATRED FOR "OTHERS( U KNOW WHO, WHAT WHERE IF NOT WHY), PUTTING FALSE BLAME ON"THESE GROUPS, & SILENTLY, MAYBE SEETHING INSIDE,MAYBE SUFFERING RIGHT ALONG SIDE "THESE", TRY OT "BE LIKE (NOT MIKEY COMMERCIAL), EVEN LIKE "HIM", IS A CHASING OF A FALSE DREAM, (UNLESS "YOU TRULY "WANT TO STROLL DOWN N.Y.'S 5TH AVE. & "SHOOT ANYBODY"??(MAYBE U ALREADY HAVE, JUST NOT THERE,DON'T TELL ME, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!!")TAKING A WRONG PATH, DOWN A POT HOLE , SINK HOLE FILLED ROAD, LEADING TO "TOTAL & UTTER DESTRUCTION" OF US ALL"(YES, MY FAV SCIENCE FICTION MOVIE IS " THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL"(WITH MICHEAL RENE & SAM JAFFE"(ORIGINAL ALWAYS THE BEST"(IMOHO): 2ND FAV  "THE PREDATOR," WITH DANNY GLOVER(SUPERB ACTOR), WHILE 1ST "THE PREDATOR W/ ARNOLD & CARL WEATHERS WAS ALSO GREAT( FOR THE WHOLE CONCEPT, IF NOT THE ACTING"(ARNOLD SHINES IN" TERMINATORS", "ERASER", "MARS MOVIE",, HOLLYWOOD FLICK(COP WHO IS A COMIC,TRAVELS THRU PORTAL,KID, GUY WHO KILLED MOZART, )& MORE; CARL SHINES IN MANY(OF COURSE, THE ROCKY FLICKS(HE DOES GREAT IN ALL HIS MOVIES, TIME FOR HIS "OSCAR"B4 HE IS TOO OLD TO RELISH IT")+"ALL IN MY OWN HUMBLE OPINION"). , 

[weeklyhumorist]

How the Trumps Botch Christmas

“It’s Christmas at ground zero,
Now the missiles are on their way,
What a crazy fluke, we’re gonna get nuked,
On this jolly holiday”

~ Prophet and soothsayer “Weird Al” Yankovich, “Christmas at Ground Zero”

“Happy Holidays, ya bastards.”

~ Johnny Wright

Read Episode 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |8 | 9

Meanwhile, in Donald Trump’s White House…

  It’s Christmas time at the White House. The historic building has been lavishly decked out by First Lady Melania Trump in weirdly-lit all-white tree branches that look like how Maleficent would decorate the house in Beetlejuice. It’s weird in here.

The White House staff and their families are gathered in the Blue Room for the annual Christmas party. The buffet tables are ready to serve the hungry group, loaded with buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken, Big Macs, Filet-O-Fishes, Diet Coke, and chocolate milkshakes.

Vice President Mike Pence and his wife, who he calls “Mother,” steps to a microphone behind a podium and welcomes everyone to the White House. Pence furrows his brow and speaks slowly so people know he’s a serious person and says, “Merry Christmas and welcome. We are here tonight because of President Donald J. Trump.” The party cheers. Trump waves and shows a small thumps up. “So, Mr. President, would you please give the invocation, the opening prayer, to our Christmas celebration?”

Trump has never prayed before. Pence knows this. This cheeky gambit is a deliberate move from the VP to embarrass his boss as Pence continues to lay the groundwork for a mutiny followed by a 2020 presidential run. However, Trump is too prideful to decline. It would make him look weak. Fuming mad, he steps to the microphone.

“Uh, dear Father-God, the mighty, uh, the – shit – hollow is your name, uh, we’re glad to be at the … fuckin White House. And, uh, it’s great what we’ve done, what I’ve done. Many people are saying it’s the most of any first year president. FDR was in a wheelchair, most people don’t know that, so he didn’t do that much. Uh, Lord or whatever, we, uh, there’s a lot of people here, a lot of people, many more outside trying to get in, great crowd, God, and, it’s a great, great Christmas and … the end.”

It’s quiet in the Blue Room. Nobody knows how to react to Trump’s flailing attempt at a prayer. Breaking the awkward silence, Don Jr. yells, “Let’s eat! The buffet is open! Merry Christmas! We’re saying it again!”

All of the children at the party are organized into a line to meet President Trump for some photo ops. When every child, ages 3 to 12, meets the President, Trump gives them a copy of Festive as Fuck: A Hilarious Christmas Swear Word Coloring Book. “Kids, you’re going to love this goddamn coloring book, it’s the funniest book I’ve seen in a long time.”

There’s a Christmas tree in the Blue Room. A 15-foot-tall faux-gold tree that Trump insists is made from sheets of 24 karat gold flake. That isn’t true. The tree is from Costco. All of the ornaments are miniature red Make America Great Again Hats, “made of brass and finished in 14 karat gold,” that are available in the Trump gift shop for $149 bucks a piece. There are 750 MAGA ornaments on the fake gold tree, meaning the American taxpayer paid $111,750 to decorate the damn thing.

Performing at the Christmas party is Full Measure, one of the University of Pennsylvania’s – Trump’s alma mater – finest a cappella groups. There was a problem planning the party. President Trump doesn’t like music. He doesn’t like the arts in general. “It’s a little faggy, folks,” he told his staff. Trump’s suggestion was to have Sean Hannity perform a dramatic reading of the children’s book Christmas Eve on Sesame Street. It took some bribery of more television viewing time allotted, but Trump conceded to having a musical group perform … if he picked the songs.

Full Measure has been given three numbers to perform. The only Christmas songs Trump likes. “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer,” John Denver’s “Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas,)” and the Tiny Tim oddity “Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS.”

The finale of the evening at the White House, is the children gathered and sitting on the floor in front of a large gold throne. President Trump takes a seat on the throne in a manner indistinct from how he sits on a toilet, and he begins to read How the Grinch Stole Christmas! by Dr. Seuss.

Trump does a great job hamming it up as he reads the classic story. He stops on nearly every page to adlib his own commentary. “Do you believe that, kids? Roast beast? Who knows what that is. Maybe roast beast was in the Big Macs tonight, right?”

With the cameras rolling, Trump reaches the climax of the Grinch. “They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do! Their mouths will hang open a minute or two, then the Whos down in Whoville will all cry BOO-HOO! That’s a noise, grinned the Grinch, That I simply MUST hear! So he paused. And the Grinch put his hand to his ear.”

President Trump pauses. The children lean in to hear the conclusion of the tale. “The end,” Trump says and he closes the book. For Trump, the Grinch stealing Christmas is the happy ending. The Grinch wins. And the President sees no point in reading how the Grinch returns the Whos’ presents, is redeemed, and carves the roast beast.

Illustration by Mikey B. Martinez III

At the conclusion of the White House Christmas party, as partygoers make their way to the exits to waiting Ubers and Lyfts, former Senior Advisor Steven Bannon stands on wobbly legs in the corner of the room three sheets to the wind. Hammered. Starting at 3:00 in the afternoon, Bannon has swilled two bottles of Rebel Yell bourbon. After staring at the fake gold Christmas tree for twenty minutes, the tree looking blurry and swaying back and forth moving between two and three trees, Bannon charges, letting out a loud rebel yell. “Wa-woo-woohoo, white people!!!” With the ferocity of a 1987 Lawrence Taylor, Bannon tackles the Christmas tree. Using surprisingly good form, Bannon, leading with his bulbous red alcoholic nose, puts a shoulder into the center of the tree, sending it crashing down. $111,750 dollars worth of red Make America Great Again hat ornaments smash and scatter on the floor of the Blue Room.

On Christmas Day the Trump family is gathered in the White House residence for their annual gift exchange.

President Trump is counting the presents, making sure he has the most. All of the President’s gifts are wrapped in taped together pages from 1980s Hustler and Penthouse magazine photo spreads.  Trump’s stocking contains only plastic Fonzie-style combs and Tic Tacs.

The first to receive a present is the White House First Pet. The staff had tried to get Trump a dog, but with every dog hating the leader of the free world, Trump insisted on a pet monkey. The chimpanzee brought to the West Wing is beloved by the President and she was affectionately named Titties.

“Bring out Titties’ gift!” Trump bellows.

Staffers wheel out a small, solid gold carriage pulled by two Shetland ponies. Trump hands the chimp a horsewhip and says, “You’ll never have to walk again, Titties. I love you.”

Melania had overruled Trump’s initial want for Barron’s present of a middle-aged Black man as an on-call playmate like Richard Pryor in the film The Toy. “It would so funny, Melania. Barron could make that jigaboo do whatever he fuckin wanted!” Instead, the lad receives a go-kart track on the North Lawn and seventeen flying drones.

Donald and Melania forgot to buy Tiffany any presents. Noticing this, Ivanka changed the name on a few of her gifts so the forgotten daughter wasn’t forgotten.

As requested, Don Jr. and Eric receive hunting tags for three jackalopes apiece and one sasquatch each. Officials at the Department of Fish and Wildlife were insistent that both of those cryptozoological creatures do not exist. Don Jr.’s and Eric’s teams would not accept that as their bosses believe wholeheartedly jackalopes and Bigfoot are real. A decision was made that the tags would be issued because it didn’t matter. “Let those knuckleheads go on a snipe hunt all week,” said FWS director Greg Sheehan.

(As of this writing, I, your intrepid White House correspondent, am working diligently to confirm rumors Don Jr. and Eric are planning an expedition to Scotland next Spring to try and harpoon the Loch Ness Monster. Three sources have confirmed independently Eric has been watching James Mason as Captain Nemo and the crew of the Nautilus battle the giant squid in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea on Blu-ray repeatedly for weeks. Eric also really enjoys when Kirk Douglas sings the “Whale of a Tale” song. Story developing. Watch this space.)

After all the gifts are opened and their Christmas dinner catered by KFC was consumed, the Trump family concluded Baby Jesus’ birthday with their annual tradition; watching Home Alone 2 together.

The Trumps are now gathered in the White House movie theater, snuggled under blankets with popcorn and soda, and the second installment of Kevin McCallister’s solo adventures begins.

Roughly fifteen minutes into the movie, Trump’s six second cameo is about to happen. “Here we go!” yells the President.

The Plaza Hotel was once owned by Trump. In only a year, Trump ran the joint into bankruptcy and he eventually lost the property to Prince Alwaleed bin Talal of Saudi Arabia. Inside the Plaza, rascally Kevin approaches Trump and asks for directions to the lobby, Trump tells the lad, “Down the hall and to the left.”

The Trump family cheers. The President then stands up and yells to a steward running the projector, “Okay, that’s good, you can stop the movie.”

Just like he did when reading the How the Grinch Stole Christmas! to children, Trump decided when the story was over. His cameo has passed and that’s all the President of the United States needed to see.

Trump then retires to his bedroom alone to watch cable news until 2:30 in the morning.

  How the Trumps Botch Christmas was originally published on Weekly Humorist