#now I just have to figure out how to actually import this thang

[bonesjaunst]

Baryon Whitlocke...pillars of eternity edition! He was born to be someone's annoying waifish elf boyfriend

[nomaishuttle]

making my sillay little apartment checklist

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 24/02/2024 (Dua Lipa, Djo, Calvin Harris/Rag'n'Bone Man)

Guess we know who’s winning the Civil War - Beyoncé’s “TEXAS HOLD ‘EM” usurps Vermont on the throne of the UK Singles Chart. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

Rundown

It’s kind of calming to have a week where outside of some new entries, of which there are only a handful to begin with. So, as always, we start with the notable dropouts, which are songs exiting the UK Top 75 (what I cover) after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, we bid adieu to a small selection of songs but some of which are pretty important. Sure, I guess we can say good riddance to “MY EYES” by Travis Scott (featuring uncredited vocals from Justin Vernon of Bon Iver and Sampha) and “Body Moving”  by Eliza Rose and Calvin Harris without much fret, but we also see dropouts from the Barbie soundtrack with both “What Was I Made For?” by Billie Eilish and “Dance the Night” by Dua Lipa leaving, as well as Sam Fender’s “Seventeen Going Under” making yet another exit though I’m sure it’ll be back soon enough.

There isn’t much to speak of in our gains, either. The biggest story is probably our list of returns, since the new documentary, Bob Marley: One Love has people rediscovering the reggae legend’s catalogue. His greatest hits album is at #6 on the albums chart and two of his songs with the Wailers return to the top 75. Both songs peaked in 1980, with “Could You be Loved”, now at #51, peaking at #5 whilst Odyssey’s “Use it Up and Wear it Out” was #1 and “Three Little Birds”, now at #56, only peaking at #17, whilst “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” by The Police was #1. Marley would pass just one year after, of course, and it is pretty poetic to have his grandson in the top 10 right now, but just so this episode has some cool chart history trivia, how about we go through the several times these songs have charted? Different recordings of the two songs released in 1984 and 1985 peaked at #71 and #76 respectively. Joe Cocker’s cover of “Could You be Loved” peaked at #86 in 1997, and as far as I can find, no other covers of either song have charted, which kind of surprises me. After all, the latter was recently covered by Maroon 5, I figured they’d hitch a chart spot on name recognition but nope, not even a child singer Connie Talbot could do it in the talent show boom in the 2000s, so I guess Marley’s original really can’t be replaced.

As for the rest of our gains and returns, “Thank You (Not So Bad)” by way too many people who should know better is back at #73 and “Coal” by Dylan Gossett returns to #61. The gains include last week’s debuts, “Made for Me” by Muni Long and “Birds in the Sky” by NewEra at #48 and #44 respectively, “Lil Boo Thang” by the GOAT Paul Russell at #35 and, despite what the Official Charts Company would want you to believe, “Grey” by Yung Filly is at #33. There was an Aitch remix.

This week’s top 5 is actually pretty notable in terms of some shifting tides. We begin with ACR - search it up - striking Noah Kahan’s “Stick Season” down to #5, and then one of a few big debuts with Dua Lipa at #4 with “Training Season”, followed by gains for some white dudes making big moves: “Lose Control” by Teddy Swims at #3 and “Beautiful Things” by Benson Boone at #2, and finally, of course Queen Bey at the top. Now, we don’t have that wide of an array of new entries, or really, many at all, of which I’m pretty grateful for, so let’s zip through them.

New Entries

#66 - “Soaked” - Shy Smith

Produced by BeatBusta

Alright, I’ll bite… who the Hell is Shy Smith and why did they go with that… uncomfortable cover art? Well, this song is actually from 2021, and I assume through TikTok has gone viral, but this isn’t some indie artist as we typically see, this is a Canadian social media star, which makes this song seem a bit more like a joke. That’s a relief since despite being three years old, it sounds like Ciara made this in 2006 with the glassy synths, blocky Timbaland-esque production and squarrelling synth buzz, that is much more “in” now than it ever has been. Part of me understands completely therefore why this is charting now… but then another part of me doesn’t understand why this is charting at all. There’s really nothing to the stifled groove of the beat and it sounds like it actively strains Shy Smith to try having a personality. It’s so clearly going for semi-goofy seduction, but clawing actual intimacy out of this is as hard a job for me as it would have been for the vocal engineers, so I’m really not understanding this one.

#53 - “Whatever She Wants” - Bryson Tiller

Produced by TylianMTB

I always forget Bryson Tiller exists until he shows back up again, and I mean no offence by that as nothing has given me the impression that he’s not talented or a good person, but not a single song has clicked with me, despite having a lot of respect for his mostly singular lane and pioneering of the trap-soul sound. I can think of people who perhaps want to be Bryson Tiller, but I can’t figure out who Bryson Tiller wants to be other than, well, Bryson Tiller, and even if the music doesn’t resonate, I’m happy with that. Problem here is that he’s obviously trying to be Drake. He’s always been the easiest comparison to make with Tiller, but other than the more Detroit-influenced percussion, which really sounds like a typical trap rhythm with a Detroit choice of sounds more than anything, other than an elegant Orion Sum sample… this is just a Drake song. He goes for Drake flows, Drake melodies, even Drake’s uncomfortable whispery ad-libs. You could argue that the influence is mutual, but it is really difficult for me not to see a Drake fan taking the acapella, running it through a Drake voice AI and making something completely believable. Even the content is a slightly less embarrassing Drake riff, which just shows to me that he may be a unique singer, but not so much a rapper. Tylian’s beat is pretty good on this, I will admit, but I’m compelled by Mr. Tiller enough as a unique presence to care much about this. The train-like way the song keeps to an uptempo chug is actually pretty interesting though, it doesn’t feel like it ever wants to stop and take a breath, and Tiller does contribute to that, he’s not a total dud on his own song. He’s not really improving it either, though.

#19 - “Lovers in a Past Life” - Calvin Harris and Rag’n’Bone Man

Produced by Calvin Harris and watt

The petty part of me wants to say “2018 called” but this collaboration isn’t dated on arrival: Rag’n’Bone Man is another one of those artists I always forget about until they show up and I think this will just be a repeat of what I said about “Giant” all those years ago. He needs a rough layer of grit under him, not this flashy, sugary house track that he sticks out like a sore thumb over. Now it may not be dated on arrival but it is in execution: this is a tropical house song, and whilst Calvin Harris has always been good at mixing and making his stuff sound professional, this actually detracts from the character-void guitar and four-on-the-floor programming that all just feels rote. He even goes for an ATB-like guitar lick in the drop amidst the house pianos that just doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t dislike this - or at least not that much - I’m just confused by how either artist felt the need to make it, because it really does not work.

#11 - “End of Beginning” - Djo

Produced by Adam Thein and Djo

How do I even begin to pronounce that? Is he D-J-O, Duh-Joe, Joe, Sho? Oh, who am I kidding? It doesn’t matter, you know him as Joe Keery from Stranger Things. He was in a psychedelic band for a while but left and has solo work as a musician out now, with this taking from his second album and not actually released as a single, just a breakout solo hit. Is it good? Well, listen… I wish he knew he wanted Steve. The only buzz I had heard about this is that it sounded just like Mr. Lacy’s “Bad Habit” and well, I actively laughed when certain elements of the song came in because they hit nearly exactly the same way as in that song. This is most likely an influence and definitely not worth suing anyone over, but that’s primarily because neither song is any good. The lyrics are largely about his connection to his home city of Chicago as well as the acceleration of his acting career, making a point about how well, he’s still from Chicago! Whatever version you get of him, Chicago’s still in him. Yeah, it’s safe to say it doesn’t have the lyrical intricacies or at least, intriguing moments, that “Bad Habit” does, or even, and it pains me to say this, its sonic depth, so surely I should like this even less? Well, no. Djo Mama’s voice is a lot less pursuant and awkward than Steve Lacy, who also came up with some actual earworms that I respect but never want to hear again, whilst Djo here is just yapping over some synthpop. Which is fine. Have your fun. My opinion doesn’t matter at the end of the day. Just… maybe make acting a priority.

#4 - “Training Season” - Dua Lipa

Produced by Kevin Parker

I wish Dua found an interesting way to be good. This is a great, funky pop song, a worthwhile follow-up to “Houdini” with some excellent atmosphere mostly found in the dynamic mix that I’m sure Mr. Tame Impala had a lot of involvement with. It may not be a psychedelic song by nature, but there are transitory phases that absolutely show he was on the boards for. This feels like a sequel to “Houdini”, if that’s not already the intention, as Dua isn’t being the carefree love-them-and-leave-them anymore, she’s genuinely frustrated that she doesn’t have a more consistent and intimate relationship. She’s sick of being in control in these relationships - if they can be called such - and wants someone to go there, to actually mean something to her and put that effort in. Yet it doesn’t hit as much as I want it to… it may be the replacement of the rubbery bass from “Houdini” with a focus on soaring psychedelic synths and a guitar tone I’m not really big on in the chorus. Maybe it’s just that this funk-pop sound isn’t all that new and in that case, it’s impressive that Dua has made it this far without sounding boring.

Conclusion

With that said, she still obviously gets Best of the Week because good God, this was a mediocre set. Honourable and Dishonourable Mentions would be overly charitable probably, but I am going to give Bryson Tiller some benefit here, specifically because “Whatever She Wants” does have a decent instrumental, whilst Djo takes the Dishonourable Mention for “End of Beginning”, God, even the title is awkward. As for the worst, Shy Smith I think takes this handedly for “Soaked” but… will it even last a second week? I don’t know, it’s easily the least essential and least likely to last song that debuted. As for what’s on the horizon… I don’t know. Thank you for reading, rest in peace to Steve Wright and I’ll see you next week!

[xxanaduwrites]

DOWNFALL | a.b.

main hub of all important thangs

chapter 5

i've been getting lost in translation trouble keeping up communication we were having fun, now i can't wait to be done it feels like i'm the only one that's sick of playing — lost in translation, the neighbourhood

——

"Hey." I tapped Austin on the shoulder, finding him in the same spot I left him as he waited for me to clean up in the bathroom.

Even though I knew we were on a time crunch — I had lingered around for a bit looking for Sherry for any form of advice I could get my hands on.

This whole trip was throwing me for a loop, and I needed some reinforcements. Of course, the staff told me they forced her to go on break. Apparently she wasn't a happy camper about it — especially since she knew I was on the way. She was far too stubborn when it came to stuff like that.

That woman always wanted to work.

Turning on his heel, he opened his mouth to say something, but closed it just as fast. Looking at me up and down like a gaping goldfish trying to inhale some fish food, he seemed surprised that I actually put on his shirt.

"W-What?" I probed abrehensively, wondering what the fuck was going on in his head, while trying my best to readjust to socializing. After having my first few minutes alone since earlier today, I already found myself comfortably drawn into my introverted behavior.

He also looked really fucking good in just a tank, which made it very difficult for me not to gawk and stutter when I got a frontal view of him.

He cleared his throat. "Nothing." He said simply, diverting his gaze and dropping the matter all together. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah." I adjusted my bag on my shoulder since his shirt was sitting quite awkwardly against my figure. The material felt amazing against my skin. I genuinely had no fucking clue what it was made out of, but it sure as shit did not feel like anything I'd ever worn before. "Need a hand?" I asked, noting that he was holding both trays in his whole hands, literally balancing them flawlessly.

What the actual fuck?

He must have had huge hands or maybe he was Peter Parker who could just spider web that shit and stick anything to his hands like glue.

The mental image of him flipping his hands over with the trays attached to him almost made me laugh out loud, but I kept it at bay — wringing Levi's keys between my hands as a means to simultaneously distract myself and focus.

"Nope." The face he gave me definitely proved that he no longer trusted me when it came to holding anything that could potentially drop and make a mess. "I got it."

Understandably so.

He probably didn't want me ruining his fancy ass shirt.

Because then — noting how generous he was being today — he'd probably end up giving me the one on his back, and yep then he'd be shirtless Magic Mike-ing.

Never mind. You do your thing —Toothpick Umbrella Thief.

I sure as shit knew I'd absolutely die if I saw him shirtless right now, and I was quite certain they wouldn't let him in the building without one, or maybe they would — considering how vital it seemed for him to be there based on what Syd told me.

For some reason, I could only picture him walking around the fancy building with his shades on, throwing finger guns at the people he passed — full abs on display like some sort of action movie. Well, if he had any. It wasn't like I knew. I never saw him shirtless before, but a girl could assume or dream. But I mean assuming usually made an ass out of you and me so.

Alright, again. Must shut up.

Don't you dare laugh — I warned myself.

I didn't need him seeing me go insane and then question me for it.

Sending him a simple tight lipped smile instead, I walked to the door, holding it open for him since his hands were full. I brisked in front of him as he walked carefully and slowly to the car, doing just the same. I felt like a proper gentleman with all this chivalry crap.

Once again settled in the car, now with two whole trays of wack ass drinks — we headed off to our final destination.

For some odd reason, the both of us ended up sitting in complete silence.

I couldn't tell you what it was, but it definitely felt like something shifted between us. Even though we were practically crunched together in this car — we seemed so far away from each other — which I was completely fine with.

Considering the fact that I was wearing his shirt didn't help though. I became acutely aware of his scent quite quickly — some sort of sweet yet musky cologne that I couldn't decipher, but it smelt awfully fresh. It was hard for me to detect if I felt dizzy from my continuous hangover or if it was his cologne going straight up my nostrils and into my brain cells.

The traffic lightened up a little which I was eternally grateful for — meaning we'd get there quicker than I thought. The worst seemed to be over which calmed me down just a little, but I could only hope it would stay that way.

Pulling up to the building, I felt all of my muscles relax. I couldn't wait to get out of this car and away from him. I also couldn't wait to go home tonight and drown myself in a binge session of my favorite shows that I'd seen nine hundred times over to try to get over this entire day.

The security here was absolutely ridiculous. I had to stop at a teller to let us in, and of course Sydney didn't give me the password to move the dumb ass bar thing that was blocking my way in. I'd only ever been in here with her when she needed help bringing all her shit in to set up and organize her office — so of course, I didn't know the code.

"It's three four two five," Austin finally spoke for the first time since the diner.

For a second I thought I imagined it, but when I looked over at him he was studying me with such an intensity I knew he was talking to me.

I couldn't get over the fact that he was sitting here in a muscle tee, holding two trays of coffees. It was giving — 'I lift trays of coffee at the gym.' Instead of, 'I am an important business man, look at me rock and roll."

"Thanks," I managed robotically, before typing in the code.

The bar went up with ease. Of course it did. He'd probably been here plenty of times before. Should have just asked him. I figured it was a piece of my pride that left me feeling inclined to show that I could handle something so simple on my own after the key and coffee shabackles of today.

I probably looked like a total clueless cluts to him.

That's what I looked like to everyone anyways.

After parking in a spot, we both got out. I opened the door for him again to which he graced me with a nod. When we entered the building, the receptionist behind the front desk didn't bother to look up from what she was doing — practically entranced by her computer — typing away like her life depended on it.

"Um," I began. "Excuse me?"

"How can I help you?" She asked, looking like she couldn't be bothered — still staring at her stupid computer.

"I'm here to drop off drinks for a meeting on the third floor," I explained, my foot tapping impatiently against the tiled floor.

"Hm." She took in my words, but I could already tell she didn't believe me — suspicion etched into her brows. "I'll have to call up and confirm that."

What did she think I was poisoning them with? It was coffee for crying out loud. If anything they were poisoning themselves with all the funky flavors, syrups, and shit they were dowsing their drinks in.

"Hi." Austin materialized at my side, placing one of the trays down so he could lean an elbow on the counter. "I'm sorry," He apologized meekly. "I have a meeting that I'm unfortunately late to due to circumstances that were out of my control and under the control of your supervisors."

Here we fucking go.

Christ almighty.

In complete contrast to me, he sounded way too nice. If I said such a thing, I would've most definitely sounded like a total bitch right about now.

The woman immediately looked up at the sound of his voice. "Oh!" A wave of recognition washed over her once stale features. "Yes of course. We are so unbelievably sorry about that." She jumped out of her seat like she just won millions of dollars in the lottery, reaching for a clipboard and checking something off. "Mr. Butler, yes?" she asked.

Mr. Butler.

Goodbye.

"That would be me," he confirmed, doing that hand chin thing again—his eyes looking around the building. "and please, it's Austin."

"Right. Sorry, Mr. Bu —" Whisking around the desk, she looked absolutely flustered. Totally perplexed as she drank in the tray of drinks braced on his hand. "Austin," she corrected herself. "Right this way, sir."

Austin didn't move a single muscle as she began to try to lead him down the hall. "She's with me." He stated flatly, bracing a hand on my back out of instinct so I could step forward — bringing me to her attention.

I immediately gulped at the contact, wringing my hands together and sending her a smile that read — 'That is in fact right bitch.'

Why did this feel more like a nightclub — where Austin was some esteemed VIP member —instead of an office building for journalists, literary buffs, and gossipers?

The 'bouncer' — if you will — blinked her eyes a few times, judging me from afar, as if she couldn't fathom that we were a package deal who came here together. Let alone understand how she was giving me permission or access to go up with him. Yet, she didn't even bat an eye at Austin's strange attire that clearly became completely unprofessional with just one article taken off.

I figured he had to be some very important person — hence the VIP thing — around here, or she was just charmed by his looks and charisma — letting whatever he did slide. In her eyes and the eyes of everyone else in this establishment, he could probably do no wrong.

Once she was done gaping at this notion, she nodded her head, insisting us to follow her – trapping me in another confined space with this man.

Great.

Just lovely.

This time, I took the tray from the desk that Austin put down only a moment prior to look like I had a purpose — which I did, but of course Miss. I'll-bend-over-backwards-for-this-man-and-this-man-only, surely still didn't believe so. Austin didn't bother to stop me or take the tray from my hands — seeming to pick up the queue that we needed to look like a united front.

We followed the lady into a nearby elevator to begin our trip upwards to the third floor. With her back towards us, she fiddled with the elevator buttons, giving me the perfect chance to whisper something that had been on my mind without getting her attention. "Mr. Butt-ler," I choked out, emphasizing the butt part.

Biting his lip, he let out a light laugh before shaking his head and sending a smirk my way. "Don't," he warned.

I didn't listen to him."It's quite fitting you know," I murmured, egging him on — enjoying this far too much than I liked to admit. "Carrying those drinks and all like a true butler. Just need to get you one of those funny bow ties, and—" I stopped mid sentence, realizing that I was totally going on a full on rampage and needed to shut up.

Things like this were only qualified to be said in my mind, not out loud on an elevator between a man I only met last night and some random drooling receptionist.

He just stared at me, his cheeks flushing at my words.

Had I embarrassed him?

For a moment, I swore we froze in time just fucking looking at each other like we were in the midst of a very serious and competitive staring contest that depended on our livlihood. Like some survival of the fittest shit. I quickly closed my mouth, rolling my lips as I felt my own face go hot.

He must have thought I was losing my mind.

Good job, Rianne.

Another point for the books.

Third time's the charm, I suppose.

The moment evaporated all on its own when the elevator came to a halt. A random man holding a doughnut between his fingers wedged himself right between us, leaving me obligated to turn away to not look like a creep staring at him absolutely demolishing his dessert.

What the fuck just happened? — I thought as I tried to compose myself.

Something didn't feel right about the way he looked at me. I'd never seen such a thing before. Normally people would roll their eyes or completely brush me off — maybe even walk away or look at me like I had three heads. But, there was a strange glint in his eyes that I could not decipher — making it impossible to ignore.

I let out a much needed breath when the doors dinged open, thanking Eric Forman once again for finally taking me out of – what I hoped to be – the last trap of the day.

Everything after this was insanely chaotic.

I didn't even get a chance to say a single word to Austin – let alone say goodbye to him – before a whole swarm of people came barreling over, assessing him like a piece of artwork at an exclusive exhibit or some exotic animal that just moved into a zoo for a limited time only. They looked like they lined up outside days ago just to catch a two second glimpse of him.

Fucking crazy.

"Let me take that from you," someone said, ripping the tray out of his hands before he could even accept or decline the offer. It was the only thing I could interpret from the commotion and what sounded like ten people's voices talking to him all at once.

Christ.

I suddenly felt kind of bad for him, watching him trying to pick up on every form of question and conversation. If I was him, I sure as shit would have literally shat myself with all that attention. His head was turning in every direction possible. I wouldn't be surprised if his head snapped off or just did an entire three-sixty to scare all these fuckers away.

What actual choke hold did this man have over these people?

While I was taking a second to mull this over, he turned as if he felt my gaze training on him – catching my eye. He must have been thinking the same thing – well not the choke hold part – but the separation. He probably wanted to make sure the coffees got where they needed to be since he bought them with his own money and all.

"Hi," a small voice called from my side, breaking me out of my trance. "Are you Sydney's friend?"

"Hi – Yeah," I immediately confirmed, giving all of my attention and answering to some girl with dark hair I soon realized was holding the other tray of drinks.

Thank fuck.

"Let's go before they notice," she whispered, ducking out of the way, inviting me to follow her.

Without question, I did what she asked, stepping out of the crowd in what must have been the main lobby of this particular floor and following her down a corridor. "Are they always like this?" I asked about her coworkers once we turned down a hall that was particularly quiet.

"Depends," she replied simply, coming to a halt as we appeared in front of what I remembered to be Sydney's office. "Today's been one hell of a disaster though, so the fact that he's here is a miracle."

"So I've heard," I acknowledged what seemed to be the hot topic of the day as she popped the door open, revealing – what looked to be – a hypnotized Sydney staring dead at her computer screen, her fingers typing frantically on the keys as if she was practicing some sort of concerto– for a piano conservatory –like a whole professional pianist.

"Sydney," the girl called out, knocking on the doorframe to get her attention, but she just held up a finger — asking for a minute — keeping herself locked into the screen.

Man were people like machines here just running off these technological devices?

Don't answer that.

That just made me sound like a total elder.

She cleared her throat before announcing, "She's here. It's go time."

That seemed to hype her up because suddenly her eyes detached to the screen and met mine in an instant. "Hey! Oh my god! Thank you so much," she spewed out in less than a few seconds doing that whole mile a minute thing again. "Was it good? Was he nice? Please tell me he wasn't pissed off."

"Woah — No," I chirped out, passing her the tray. "He was fine. Everything was fine."

"Thank god," she breathed, bracing her hands under the tray. Her eyes looked even worse than before and her hair was all over the place with her glasses perched up and two number two pencils shoved into her bun like a school teacher. "I think it will go just fine." She regarded her co-worker. "Bring the cold foam cold brew to Antonio and then the rest go to the main corporate meeting. Oh wait — fuck." Her eyes lit up as she looked over the trays. "I think it's in mine. Wait here —"

"I got it," I said before she'd make a mess. I knew I didn't have the best track record with beverages as of late, but I sure as shit knew I'd handle it better than her at this particular moment — seeing how she was rightfully frazzled. Weaseling the drink out, I switched it without a drop of liquid. "Wait." I reached forward, pulling the pencils out of her hair and peeling off her glasses. "Perfect."

Success.

Now— if only I could have put on a show that good when I was traipsing across Los Angeles with Austin — or Mr. Butler — if you will.

Butt-ler.

Butthead.

Butt.

Mr. Butt.

Mr. Touche.

Mr. Ass.

Priceless.

"Thanks. For everything" She matched the smile that appeared on my face from my mental run down of every variation I could think of to totally obliterate his name. "Okay." She let out a shaky breath. "Wish me luck."

"Don't worry," I assured her. "You don't need it. Everything's gonna be fine now that the worst is over."

"I sure fucking hope so," she beamed. "See you at home?"

"Yep," I confirmed, watching her walk around me and follow her co-worker. "See you."

Before she went right back into her Miss. journalist-girl-boss-ness, she stopped the door with her hand quickly turning back to me. "Oh also!" She must have just remembered something. "Nice shirt!" She complimented in all seriousness, no ounce of sarcasm laced in her tone. "The oversized look is coming back, you know."

Momentarily forgetting what she was going on about, I looked down only to come face to face with my culprit. I was still wearing his mother-trucking shirt. I totally forgot to give it back to him, but what was I gonna do — have my own Magic Mike moment and put on a show for the receptionist and the doughnut inhaler?

And who could forget Magic Mike himself?

Play him at his own game?

Absolutely not.

I was good.

More than good.

Unfortunately, I'd just have to get in contact with him, but I'd have to figure out a way to do that.

Oh shit — Yep, I had his number.

I remembered then that he texted himself the drink order from my phone. All I had to do was search my messages and shoot him a quick text.

Fine. Perfect. No sweat.

Picking up my phone, I went to do just that, but halted the moment I clicked on what I assumed was his contact— finding our exchange under a random number. Leaning against Syd's desk my thumb hovered over the message icon, trying to figure out what to say, and how to properly say it.

I started typing.

hey, I have your shirt bro.

'Bro'— Seriously?

hey there, you kind of left your shirt with me. I got it, dude.

No.

Um.

Butthead, you forgot you left your whole shirt with me.

Maybe I'd make him laugh? —Yeah no.

Immediate no. Delete.

I tried something simpler and to the point —

do you want your shirt back?

That just sounded aggressive.

Getting frustrated, I completely debunked my attempts. I decided to just go back to the store and consult Levi before I made any sudden moves. With a huff, I shoved my phone in my pocket while exiting her office — trying my best to navigate out of this joint.

Rather not spend more time in this building than I needed to, especially when I was already worried enough about leaving Dax and Levi all alone. With just my luck, they'd both turn it into the night club Levi dreamed of if I waited any longer.

In a daze, I walked around the building on auto pilot, my brain plastering the image of his butthead at the forefront of my mind.

Was his gold-chain-white-tank-italian-mafia-boss-looking ass like some sort of drug that everyone became addicted too with just one glance?

Something had to be wafting in the air of this place, and I needed a way out. For all I knew, the people in here were all already infected. They sure seemed to be so.

Totally not paying any attention, too preoccupied thinking about you know who — I stopped in my tracks as I bumped right into someone. "Oh aye I'm walking here!" They pulled off a whole New Yorker kind of accent that was honestly so awful someone from New York would definitely punch them straight in the face without hesitation.

"Oh shoot. I'm sorry," I immediately apologized before looking up and meeting my victim that looked awfully familiar, but I couldn't place him.

He must have sensed how tense I got because then he said, "Only joking. No worries, little mama." Little mama? Seriously? Totally professional for the work place. "You're Rianne? Right?"

Welp, there was my name.

He definitely knew me.

Scary.

It took me a solid minute to register who the fuck I was talking too — but once I took in the one hell of a permed afro on top of his head it immediatly clicked.

Broccoli Rabe.

Holy shit.

Kinda ironic considering he had a broccoli looking head. I didn't piece that together until now.

Man was I good.

Broccoli was truly fitting all around.

How could I forget the dude I was trying so hard to profile just in case he tried anything with Syd and I needed to beat his ass? It was probably this newfound lighting and the fact that I was no longer drunk that completely threw me off.

"Yep. You must be Dw—Brocc— Brock," I quickly corrected myself. I didn't need to remind him of the nickname I left him with when I said my farewells last night. "I've heard a lot about you."

I obviously saw him with her last night, but we weren't properly introduced at the party — which I didn't really mind. From what I gathered, her and him were really lowkey so they didn't want to draw too much attention to themselves. That's why they were hiding in the kitchen, sucking face when no one was looking. I figured that out quite late in the game.

Risky.

"All good things I hope," he said, shoving his hands in his pockets.

Pressing the button on the elevator, I tried my best to get myself out of this conversation quickly. "So far so good." Thankfully it listened to my request, opening with a glorious ring. "Welp, I gotta go. Good luck with the meeting."

"Thanks." He nodded. "Could be a bloodbath." He added before walking around me and down the corridor.

Lovely.

And this was why I didn't work for big businesses anymore — let alone publishers.

Once I got back down to the lobby, I decked right out of there — not even bothering to acknowledge the receptionist who was back at the desk, wishing me a good day.

Yeah, alright lady.

So now you decided to be nice after giving me a dirty look?

Back in the car, I closed my eyes once I shut the door behind me — basking in the silence. Even basking in the frying seats that were truly baking my ass thanks to the beating sun. As I went to turn on the ignition and kick up the air conditioning, I felt my phone ding in my back pocket. The seatbelt momentarily dug into my skin as I tried to retrieve the device.

So much for a moment of peace.

"Fucking hell." I talked to myself — a sense of worry shooting straight into my system.

It was rare for me to get a message since not too many people really texted me, and I barely used my phone half the time.

Finally, retrieving it — I stared at my lock screen that held a message from a random number, but it wasn't just any random number. It was his number. Austin's number. I soon came to that realization as I clicked on it, and it brought me straight to I guess what you could say now was a chain of two messages — now kicking in a new number — making it a whopping three.

Yippie!

Hey, thanks for the ride. Sorry I didn't get to thank you sooner. Hope no one gave you too much trouble.

Welp, there he was. At least I didn't have to worry about texting him first cause he already did it.

no problemo. they didn't. coffees landed just fine.

I texted back quickly, pressing send and tossing my phone on the seat next to me before I could overthink it.

Coffees landed.

What the fuck was that?

And then it dinged again, way too fast. I picked it up immediately reading his reply in seconds.

Good. I'm glad none of them decided to take off again.

Fucking Butthead.

I wasn't sure if I should have been pissed off by the fact that he was clearly referring to the drink literally taking off and landing all over me, or if I should just be happy that he picked up my reference and played along with it. All I knew was that I found it funny. I felt a smile paint itself on my face so tight, I swore my cheeks were burning.

Even though I really wanted to continue playing this game and throw a smart-ass comment right back at him, I refrained. Instead, I told him exactly what I needed too, adding a little thanks of my own since it only seemed appropriate and would be rude not too.

even though i'm still mad at you for paying for those drinks, thanks for helping me out today and saving my ass from walking around with coffee all over me. i owe you. i have your shirt still by the way.

After sending my response, I created a new contact — getting sick of staring at a random number. I quickly added Butthead into the first name prompt.

I had a tendency to come up with funny names for my contacts. Normal names were no fun and simply boring.

Very adult of me.

Butthead: I know. Don't worry about it. I'll just get it back from you next time.

Next time.

Next time?

What the fuck did that mean? There would be no next time. If anything I'd just give him back his shirt in a quick and painless transaction and we'd both be on our merry way.

Why wasn't he setting a time? Did he want me to figure it out or not? Should I've asked him when he was free? No then he'd probably get the wrong memo. Did he think he would just so casually see me around? Had things gone well with his meeting and he now would be working within that same building as Syd? Did he think I'd be driving him again — like some sort of personal chauffeur?

Because if he did, he had another thing coming to him. I would not hesitate to call Sher up so she could absolutely end his toothpick umbrella stealing ass. Maybe Marilyn too. Get the whole swat team together.

All the reinforcements.

Besides Levi of course. He'd probably recruit himself to Austin's team without blinking. I mean come on. I picked up pretty quickly that Levi found him insanely attractive by just the way he lit up like a Christmas tree in the bookstore.

Ho. Ho. Ho. Merry Fucking Christmas.

A few different drafts of some not-so-sweet responses flew right out of my thumbs and straight into my phone in a matter of seconds, but as soon as I saw the length of it and how I sounded like a cursing-sailor I erased the entire thing before shooting him a simple 'okay.'

I was in no mood to assume things and jump to conclusions today. Absolutely beat, I dropped my phone and put my car in reverse to pull out of the lot — deciding to worry about it later.

Deciding to worry about him later.

If only I knew then what I was in for.

——

it's just the beginning.... looks like they'll just have to see each other again.

all the girly pops when austin walks into a room like:

see ya soon, xanadu

[natalieironside]

Hey Natalie, I was wondering if you had any guides you used for self publishing? I've written like..... 2 and a half kissing books and I'm considering publishing them for fun and profit 😳 if not nbd, I am proficient in google, I just have trouble figuring out how much of that grind mentality is actually important.

I'm mostly blundering my way through this myself, but I'll give it a shot.

No matter what anybody tells you: Once you've written the book and cleaned it up for publication, the hard part's over. My sales as a self-pub author of extremely niche fiction are already way higher than I expected, and none of the work I've put into marketing has been half as much time or effort as actually creating the thang dings.

If you have the money, hire an editor. The Last Girl Scout was a self-edit (on account of I didn't and don't have the money), and while I am still very happy with it, it's nowhere near the book it could've been as a consequence--as many Goodreads reviewers will tell you.

I also recommend hiring a formatter. You can do your own formatting if you're like a nerd who knows about computers and stuff, but it's a lot of work and not everybody has that skill set. Also, like with editing, it is very very easy to overlook mistakes when it's your own work your dealing with. Here I'm gonna plug @kodyboye, who's formatted all the stuff I've sent to print and does excellent work (also fast as hell; iirc he had like 24-hour turnaround on the typescript of TLGS, which is a 600-page leviathan).

Once you've got your formatted files and cover art (which is a whole 'nother kettle of worms that I do not feel qualified to get into, I have An Associate who handles that for me), self-pub is as easy as hitting a button if you use Amazon KDP or as easy as hitting 3 or 4 more buttons if you use another service. Then you'll have a book and you'll be like "Wtf I'm an author."

(note on the above: Do not fuck w/ any service that asks you for money. Pay-to-play publishing services are 100% a scam; a publisher or publishing service asking an author to pay them is literally the same thing as your boss making you pay to come to work)

As for marketing: If you don't have the budget for paid promotions (which I don't and I'm assuming most ppl reading this don't), the best thing you can do is to Be A Person On The Internet. I'm lucky b/c I'd already developed a not-insignificant following from being a weird nerd Tumblr shitposter before I had to make a book happen, but you can speedrun that by just being generally active on your blog. In addition to whatever your regular blog content is, post samples of your work, talk about your creative process, be ready to talk about your books A Lot even on those days when it feels like nobody else is, and follow tags like #writeblr and #bookblr. (I'm also gonna tag in @thebibliosphere who is an A+ Tumblr follow and way better at this game than me)

I also very recommend joining a trade organization; I've been a member of the Horror Writers Association for a little over a year now and it's pretty great being automatically plugged into a network of other ppl in the industry.

And for broader-scope industry networking w/ people who are also very very invested in Writers Getting Paid For Their Work, I encourage (that is: beg) everybody who's even thinking about putting pen to paper to join the Freelance Journalists Union:

Hope this helps <3

[nataliedanovelist]

GF - Timestuck AU: The Power of Mabel ch.2

While fighting over a time machine so one twin can win a pig or the other can win the heart of a girl, Mabel is left stranded in a snowy forest with no time machine and no brother. Oops.

The BEAUTIFUL art pieces were done by @clownwry and @elishevart ! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! 😭❤️💋

ch.1 - ch.3

~~~~~~~~~~

Ford was way more nervous than he was letting on.

She had long, pretty brown hair, braces over her teeth, sneakers, a skirt, and a sweater that allowed the cold air to pass through it. Her cheeks were slightly chubby with youth and nosy, as well as her nose, due to the freezing weather. Her eyes matched her hair perfectly, and though they were clouded with fear and confusion, Ford swore he could see sparkling behind the clouds, sparkling that made itself well-known when she asked if she could make him a sweater or when she saw his hands.

She had long, pretty brown hair, braces over her teeth, sneakers, a skirt, and a sweater that allowed the cold air to pass through it. Her cheeks were slightly chubby with youth and nosy, as well as her nose, due to the freezing weather. Her eyes matched her hair perfectly, and though they were clouded with fear and confusion, Ford swore he could see sparkling behind the clouds, sparkling that made itself well-known when she asked if she could make him a sweater or when she saw his hands.

Ford would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy Mabel’s company, but she was practically a stranger, and keeping a random girl in his house that was located in the middle of the woods was fishy and Ford couldn’t help but feel like it was illegal. But he couldn’t leave her out in the snow and send her on her way to find her home and family, so he decided to keep her warm or healthy, simply because it was the right thing to do.

But then she said she had no parents to call. Only a brother, who was lost, too. Ford can remember the old rule: If you’re lost, stay where you are until you are found. So he then decided that she could stay here until her brother found her, which should be by morning at the latest.

Still, he felt uneasy, so once Mabel was settled in front of the TV, Ford excused himself and went into the kitchen to make a phone call. There was only one man who would have better judgement in this situation than him.

The phone rang a few times. Ford checked his watch to make sure it was a reasonable time to call. It wasn’t Sunday, was it? But then the ringing stopped. “Howdy! This here Fiddleford McGucket.”

“Hey there, buddy.” Ford smiled to himself at hearing that cheerful voice. “How have you been?”

“Stanford Pines! Good t’hear from ya!” Fiddleford cheered. “M’just fine, just fine! How are ya?! Ya haven’t gotten eaten by monsters yet, have ya?” He laughed, making his old friend chuckle along.

“No no, I’m alright.” Ford almost brought up the reason he called, but then he remembered something very important to Fiddleford. “How are Emma-May and Tater?”

“OH! They’re doin’ great! We’re all very happy n’ doin’ well! Ya won’t believe how big Tate’s gotten since ya last saw him! He’s already crawlin’!”

“Wow, that's great to hear.” Ford sat in a chair at the kitchen table. “Has he said his first words yet?”

“No, not quite. Actually, he’s extremely quiet. Not a lot of baby-babble.” Fiddleford chuckled. “The doctor says that’s perfectly normal. Tate’s so smart, he’s reachin’ for specific colors n’ such, n’ ya can tell he’s thinkin’ a lot n’ knows what’s goin’ on, he just got nothin’ t’say.”

“I was very shy when I was young.” Ford commented casually. He didn't feel like mentioning why. “If Tate is anything like either of his parents he’s very intelligent.”

“Oh, he’s so much like both of us it’s scary. Ya know Emma-May, so clever n’ quiet n’ such. Tate’s got all that. But he already looks so much like me! But he’s got his mama’s hair! N’ Santy Claus brought ‘im this fun little fishin’ game where ya fish for plastic fish with a pole with a magnet on it, n’ he loves it! I can’t wait to take ‘im fishin’ when he’s big enough! Ya really outta give yourself a break n’ come down for a visit, he’d move to see his Uncle Ford again.”

Ford’s face felt hot. “Perhaps. Spring is when a lot of anomalies are active and breeding, so i would prefer not to miss that, but maybe I could visit for a weekend before that…”

“Well, no pressure, I won’t assume anythang until ya tell me to, just know there’s always a bed for ya here.”

“Thank you, Fiddleford. The same for you and your family. The clean air will do everyone some good.”

“Oh, I’m sure.” Fiddleford sighed happily and perked up. “So! Whatcha callin’ for? Not that I’m not happy just t’chat, but ya never call.”

Ford laughed and shrugged to himself. “I suppose I don’t. I’m sorry.”

“No need t’be sorry, Stanford, just wanna know what’s up.”

“Well, I was hoping to get your advice on something.”

“Shoot.”

“Um… well…” Ford rubbed the back of his neck, unsure how to tell him this. “I heard some unusual sounds outside today…”

“What kind of unusual sounds?”

“Cracks, like lightning. And some faint yelling.” Ford answered. “I thought it might be a tree branch or a new anomaly to catalogue, but when I opened the door a young girl was standing there in the snow with no coat.”

“Heavens! Is she alright?!”

“She’s okay, no frostbite. She was cold, but after sitting by the fire, drinking some hot chocolate, and changing into some dry clothes, she’s okay now.”

“Well, good.”

“So of course I brought her in. I tried to call her parents, she probably got lost playing…”

“Sure.”

“... but she says she doesn’t have any parents.”

“Oh.” Fiddleford sighed. “Oh. Now, wait, are ya sure she didn’t just say that so ya wouldn’t call?”

Ford chuckled and said, “I first thought that too, but she looked too sad to be lying.”

“Okay, I see. Does she got somebody ya can call?”

“She says she has a brother, but he was out there, too. So he is probably out there looking for her and therefore nowhere near a phone.”

“Fair enough, okay. So, I reckon y’all are waitin’ for him t’come ‘round.”

“Yup.”

“Well sounds to me like you’ve handled this all pretty well.” Fiddleford said confidently.

“You think so?” Ford asked. “I can’t help but feel like I’m doing something wrong. Like I’m missing something. Am I doing something wrong?”

“Nonsense, buddy, you’re doin’ great.” Fiddleford assured. “Look here, ya can’t just leave a young gurl out in the snow t’try t’find her way home...”

“I agree.”

“... so ya really got one option n’ that’s t’keep an eye on her n’ let her in as a guest. N’ ya tried t’call, but nothin’. The best thang ya can do right now is be there for this lil’lady n’ just be kind t’her. N’ if nobody comes for her by mornin’, why don’t ya go into town n’ see if anybody knows her, then they can help y’all out.”

Ford nodded, then remembered that his best friend couldn’t see it, so he said, “Yeah, that sounds like a good plan. Thank you, Fiddleford.”

“You’re welcome. N’ hey, are ya okay?” He asked seriously.

“Yes, yes I’m okay. I just want to make sure I do this right.”

“O’course. I understand. Ya want me t’come down there n’ give a hand?”

“No, that’s not necessary. I’m sure Mabel will find her brother in the morning.”

“Mabel, huh? Well, if y’all don’t, please call me. N’ even if ya do find her brother, call me. Keep me updated.”

“I will. Thank you, Fiddleford.”

“Anytime, Stanford.”

~~~~~~~~~~

When Mr. Ford gave Mabel the remote for the old TV and went into the kitchen, she decided to use her awesome detective skills to figure out what year it was. If it was before Grunkle Stan lived here and opened the Mystery Shack, she must be pretty far back in time. But she had no way of knowing if it was 1999 or 2005 or the 50s.

The TV was old, but so was Grunkle Stan’s in her time. So Mr. Ford could have had this TV for a long time and didn’t want to replace it. 

Okay, so when was the TV made? Mabel didn’t know. Dipper would have known.

Okay, Grunkle Stan mentioned watching TV when he was a kid once or twice. So at least Mabel was when Stan was a kid, okay. 

Mabel turned the TV on and it was in color. Okay, so she wasn’t too far back in time. But the TV was playing a commercial for clear skin. The picture was gritty and all the people in it had puffy hair and long socks and oh my god was that woman wearing legwarmers?! Mabel grinned at seeing her favorite fashion on TV, but then her face dropped. When was she?

She tapped her chin and tried to think of how to know the date without being suspicious. She could ask Mr. Ford, but that might be suspicious. Mabel decided to start flicking through channels to try to guess what year she was in based on what was airing. A lot of shows were about cowboys, space, or game shows. Huh. Okay.

All the TV shows were definitely older. Nothing her dad would watch from when he was a kid, so if Mabel had to guess by everyone’s crazy air, the cheesy TV shows, and the music occasionally playing, she was in the 70s.

Huh. Okay. But she needed an exact year. So Mabel turned off the TV, saw an old radio on a desk, and turned it on to listen.

“... cuz it’s cold doesn’t mean you can't boogie, folks! So grab someone you wanna get warm with, turn up the music, and get your bodies warm in the coolest way possible! Here’s Night Fever, by the Bee Gees!”

Mabel grinned at the disco music. Her personal favorite song from these guys was More Than a Woman, but Night Fever would do. For a moment Mabel forgot her mission, jumped off the couch and left the blanket behind, and in the over-sized gray t-shirt Mr. Ford gave her while her clothes were drying, she danced along to the music, singing the chorus since those were the only words she knew.

“When you reach out for me. Yeah, and the feelin' is right,

Then I get night fever, night fever. We know how to do it! Gimme that night fever, night fever. We know how to show it!”

Mabel laughed at herself as she spun around in her socks and tried to do the point-and-hype dance she didn’t know the name to, but everyone did it when a disco song played.

Little did she know that Ford had returned to check on her, and was smiling at her as she shook her hips and waved her hair around and had fun. He leaned against the doorway and planned to let her dance in peace, but when she did a spin and saw him, she grinned and took his hand. “C’mon, Mr. Ford, come dance with me!”

Ford chuckled and shook his head. “No, no! I can’t dance!”

“You got two legs that aren’t broken?”

“Yes.”

“Then you can dance! C’mon!” Mabel encouraged, let him go when they were both in the middle of the room, and she started to dance again. “Don’t make me dance alone!” She even pulled an evil move and gave him puppy eyes. Rude.

Ford smiled slyly at her and hesitantly copied her boogie moves. It was true that Ford never liked to dance, but there was no one around but Mabel, and though he had only known her for an hour or more, he was sure she would never make fun of him.

And he was right.

“Wow! Look at you, Mr. I-Can’t-Dance! Yeah!” Mabel hopped on the couch, standing, and took Ford’s hand. “Here, I’ll spin you!”

Ford laughed and allowed it, doing a single spin, but then scooping her in his arms to dip her and then let her down, making her laugh as they continued to dance. 

“Alright alright, you crazy cats, that was Night Fever by the Bee Gees! It's a snowy day here in the heart of Oregon, with snow flurries coming in harder all night, but it should clear up by morning and be a fun day to go out and play! The date is January 26th, 1978 in case you gotta write a check or mail a thank you note to a friend or family member. I’m still writing letters for Christmas! We’ll be right back with some of your favorites after a word or two from our sponsors, so don’t go anywhere!”

Mabel stared at the radio. “Wow, 1978.” She breathed. Her parents were only kids right now, maybe only six or seven-years-old. Wow.

Ford chuckled. “I know, I’m still in the bad habit of writing ‘77.”

Mabel realized her mistake, but was grateful her host misunderstood her. “Me too.”

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for dinner. How about some ramen noodles?”

“Yes, please! Can we play a game after we eat?”

“Sure. I don’t have many board games, but I do have a deck of cards.”

“Do you know any card tricks?!”

“A few.” Ford admitted, wiggling his fingers. “There are some advantages to having more fingers than average.”

Mabel grinned up at him and followed him to the kitchen for dinner.

[rassicas]

Haikara Walker Pages 179 - 193: The Inconvenient truths of Kamabo Co.

More artbook translations! These ones I translated a couple years ago (except for some stuff on page 188, just did that now lol), but they needed to be spruced up a bit and moved to a more readable format other than shitty discord screenshots on a twitter thread, so here it is. For the most part I’m not gonna bother translating the handwritten text since it’s usually just design notes. (scans by @milkiemilkshake)

[178 + 179, which is the first image i posted] A huge, mysterious company that creeps in the underground world

 The inconvenient truths of Kamabo Co.

During our coverage of the Deepsea Metro, our reporters saw a huge underground experimental facility. According to the sea cucumber conductor, the company that operates the facility is called Kamabo Corporation. In order to find out more about Kamabo Co., our reporters infiltrated deep underground.

[180 + 181]

Beyond light's reach, unusual sights spread in the deep.

[180] In recent years, the existence of the Deepsea Metro has become clear and has garnered attention. Surprisingly, each station is said to be an experimental facility of a company called Kamabo Corporation. Our reporters had a hunch that more secrets were hidden further in the Deepsea Metro. We received a CQ-80 and a CQ Card from the Telephone, who called itself "The Tour Guide to the Promised Land," and started the investigation. As we hopped on the subway, we were greeted by a squishy and blue sea cucumber conductor. "Overcome the challenges of each station, and gather the four thangs" are the words we went by. As we arrived at the first station, we couldn't believe our eyes at the extraordinary spectacle. There were Octarians whose bodies were so unthinkably blue, and objects from back in the day, floating in the air, defying gravity....  And when we listened closely, we could hear mellow sounds, unlike anything heard in the squid's world. What does this facility do? Why did it develop in this way underground? And what is the "promised land" told by the Telephone? We will continue our coverage further. 

[Page 181, bottom left] Inside the facilities of the Deepsea Metro, medical instruments and equipment can be seen everywhere. Although the hospital-esque atmosphere isn't completely there, there are traces of some clinical trials that have been conducted. As the mystery of the dim and lifeless facility deepens, one could shudder at the thought of it.... 

[Page 181, bottom right] The upper image shows Octarians who are dressed in protective body suits, who appear to be doing some sort of research. What is the huge object in the center? The lower image is of the NILS Statute, which is the center of Kamabo Co.'s facilities. Details will be described later, but it’s understood that it was created through advanced science.

[182 + 183]

Aiming for the "Promised Land": to the core of Kamabo Co. and the NILS Statue

[182 bottom left] While surveying the facilities found along the Deepsea Metro, our reporters found a huge statue called the "NILS Statue."  Upon closer examination of it's interior, seven areas could be seen, with names based on the organs of the humans who once thrived, such as the "Coccyx Prison" and the "Villi Control Zone."* This is Kamabo Co.'s most important facility, as it has more blue-green Octarians and advanced equipment than the facilities in the Deepsea Metro. Through unforgiving Octarian assaults and near-death experiences with the traps strung about, we barely escaped through the top of the statue with our lives. The salty sea breeze comfortably caressed our cheeks, and the radiant rays of the sun shone as it set. In the distance, we could see the region of Inkopolis. Is the world we live in the "Promised Land" the Telephone spoke of? [* translators note: While in the English version it's all just "(name of organ) Phase", the JPN version gives the areas names that are more specific to what actually goes on there. I figured it would make more sense in this context to tell what goes on in those areas.]

[183 with the arrows and 5 little pictures]  The top of the head, which is the final area. There's several devices alongside each other that one can't even imagine what they’re for. There's a gaping hole where the mouth and the right eye are, and there seems to be something in them. Yet the more you look at it, the more beautiful and graceful it looks. ↑ An elevator is installed in the "Spinal central hole". This mechanism that runs through the center of NILS statue is like a spine of a human. From the elevator, you can get to a long and narrow ladder that lets you leave to the surface. It's really long, how many steps are there?.... ↑ An energy core is hidden around the "Diaphragm control tower" and "Peristalsis flow passage." When it is set in a certain place, the core supplies a tremendous amount of electricity to the inside the statue. At first glance, the core looks like a Zapfish, but its power is beyond comparison. ↑ The abdomen of NILS statue. This area is fully prepared to keep intruders away, as it is packed with things such as moving scaffolds and life-threatening lasers. Sometimes the Telephone's voice can be heard through the CQ-80, but one can't tell what it's saying, as the transmission gets cut off. ↑ An area located around the waist of NILS Statue. Since weapons can not be found anywhere, one must use stealth to advance. Move slowly, as any sudden movements will expose one's whereabouts to the Octarians. [183, small text by the cut open statue]  An image showing how the internal structure of the human body has been applied to that of the NILS statue. While looking at the statue, we can't help but wonder: are we just something that gets digested through its body? The rumor that the NILS logo represents a "stylish turd"* suddenly has some truth to it.

* [translators note: literally says "kakkoi unko". take that as you will.]

[183 handwritten captions] [pointing to the top of the statue's head] Mem Cake [bottom right] Digest everything and knead it well, and it'll turn into one thing→ 

[184 + 185]

Revealing Kamabo Corporation's Eight Secrets

[184] As a result of searching all over the Deepsea Metro, these eight confidential documents related to Kamabo Co. have been found. These documents show devices that aren't seen in our world, but if their functions and purposes can be explained, then maybe we can reach the hidden truth and essence of the company called Kamabo.

File no. 1 Telephone  [184] A machine installed at the central station. Although it appears to be a piece of telecommunication equipment that was used ancient times, it seems that it was made by combining some of the latest technology. It has the function to detect an ID from an Octarian's body and discern individuals. Removing the back cover confirms it has an elaborate internal structure.

File no. 2 Ticket Examiner [185 top] Ticket gates and dressers are set up at the entrance of each station of the Deepsea Metro. After getting off the metro and choosing a weapon with the dresser, it appears that there's a system in the ticket gate that opens when the specified amount of CQ Points are paid. When one returns to the dresser after clearing a mission, they can receive a Mem cake. File no. 3 Goal Point [185 bottom] The goal point provided at the innermost part of each experimental facility starts up by painting the device with ink, and stops after a certain period of time elapses. It's a device that has been confirmed to be seen even in the Octarian residential areas, but the ones in the Deepsea Metro are shaped like a pen or a push button. [translators note:  The goal point likely looks like a pen because the words for "ballpoint" and "goal point" are extremely close in Japanese.]

[186 + 187]

File no. 4  Target [186 top] The kind of targets that looks like a cube can be set up on the ground, or are often arranged in stacks. The durability depends on the size of the frame. The kind that looks like a round balloon floats in the air. They say that after a certain amount of time passes, it soars up into the sky. File no.5 8-ball [186 bottom] A huge sphere with a big "8" drawn on it. One can roll it around using the momentum of the ink fired from a weapon for example. It is a fine product that boasts of it's sturdiness; if it falls from a high place, it wont get a single crack. It seems that challenges can be solved by rolling it in accordance with the on-site neon signs, and by hitting the bumpers.

File no.6 Traps [187] Traps found within the body of the NILS statue. There are blueprints of a large device that ejects blue-green Octarians that have been packed in boxes, a wall-mounted ink laser, and an energy core. How dreadful would a secret have to be for one to guard it with traps? [handwritten text by the power core] -On a closer look, it's a nucleus-like part of a baby Zapfish. It actually is an egg. -The baby is blobby. -The energy is captured with the socket

[188 + 189]   File no.7 NILS Cannon [188 top]The NILS statue seems to exemplify the dignity of Kamabo Co. Set in its oral cavity is the NILS Cannon, a device that radiates an enormous amount of energy, said to hold the surprising power to remake the world. When it's triggered, our world may be destined to fall....

[188 bottom, by bottom left image] The top of the NILS Statue's head. There are huge tanks and countless antennas and radars that catch radio waves of some kind, reminiscent of an advanced chemical plant or military facility. Just what was this place made for? [188 bottom, by image at the bottom of 189]  The mouth area of the statue operates like a ventriloquist's dummy, and the NILS cannon is deployed as if it's being spat out. The cannon is filled with bright green ink. Upon closer inspection, there seems to be something mixed in among the ink...?

[190+191] File no. 8 Thangs  [190] It gets installed in the Central Station, and as told by the Telephone, it leads to the "promised land". In order to get there, one needs to collect "the four thangs". One can't even imagine what the individual parts do, but according to these top-secret blueprints, one can guess that it's something that kneads. Is that the Telephone in the part that looks like a lid? [advertisement on the right side of 191] Aim for the promised land Mass Recruitment of capable beings Overcome challenges at each facility in the Deepsea Metro, and do the simple job of finding just four "thangs". Even the inexperienced are warmly welcomed, all that matters is if you're motivated! If you can collect the four "thangs”, you will be invited to a bright utopia!! <Application Requirements> Working place: In the Deepsea Metro, all facilities Reward: depends on the challenge Working time: as much as you like Holiday: up to you Remuneration and benefits: depending on your skill Others: you will be supplied with a sample kit*, CQ Card, and a CQ-80 Contact: Deepsea Metro Central Station

[* translators note: The "sample kit" is the name of the bag attached to your ink tank that expands and explodes when you fail a test. JP splat twitter made a post about it, but the SRL never translated it for some reason.]

[shimmershae]

So.  I have some more thoughts.  Shocking?  Yeah, I know, lol.

Let’s see if I can figure out how to purge what’s inside of my overactive brain and have it make some semblance of sense, shall we?  

Hmm.  

Where to start, where to start?  

Okay.  So I think it’s safe to say that the flashbacks pretty quickly establish that Daryl has essentially been set adrift.  He’s been cast back, in some ways by his own choosing, into a solitary searching life that speaks to his past.  He has no anchor anymore, no touching stone--whether that be Rick, who’s presumed dead, or Carol, who’s chosen by default to leave him behind and try to make a new family in Ezekiel and Henry.  

That’s important.  Because until this season?  Until he really matured and assumed, grudgingly or otherwise, the mantle of leadership of the communities?  

Daryl was a follower.  He took his cues from other stronger personalities.  Other people more quick to voice and own their opinions, right or wrong.  Like Rick.  And Merle before him.  

That’s not to say Daryl hasn’t had anything of value to say or add to the communities or to his relationships.  He has and he did.  Remember back at the Prison how Carol told him he was going to have to live with the love?  Daryl was just beginning to find his voice, so to speak.  He was emerging, even if they were only baby steps at first, from other seemingly more formidable shadows, and learning even then how to be more of a leader that people looked up to even if he was still content to be a follower.  

Being a follower was what he was comfortable with and I’m making some assumptions here, but I’d wager that in his abusive past with his old man, in that household first with Merle then on his own, being a follower and sticking to the safety of the periphery is probably what kept him alive.  Being a follower minimized conflict then, I’m sure.  Being a follower when he met up with and eventually connected with Rick and the rest of Team Family was probably the safest way for him to make emotional connections.  

I’m rambling.  I know it and I’m sorry.  It’s what I do.  Ramble, lol.  

Here.  I’m going to place the rest of this underneath a cut because I got more winding words than I have wind and most of ya’ll have patience.  

With Rick gone, with Carol off trying her damndest to live a fairy tale, Daryl floundered.  For all intents and purposes, he was left without any direction, nobody to take his cues from emotionally or otherwise.  

I mean, he literally made ever-widening circles searching for Rick, didn’t he?  Circles have no end point.  They have no real destination.  Not really.  Daryl essentially lived in a spin cycle of pain and regret and inability to really and truly connect with anybody during those years spent searching for Rick--especially since the person he arguably felt closest to and most comfortable with, Carol, basically decided those past connections Daryl was so desperate to find again were too painful for her and attempted to move on.  

He wasn’t emotionally equipped to or stable enough (perhaps still internally dealing with his anger and angst over his torture and imprisonment by Negan at that point in time) to put in the hard work to reestablish those fraying bonds on his own and the man basically lost the plot.  His world narrowed down to this latest search.  This search for a body.  For closure.  For a new purpose perhaps?  

And you know, the man had to be tired.  In some way or another?  He’s probably been searching his entire life.  It’s kind of what followers do.  They look for meaning outside themselves because they don’t feel like they’re enough.  

So then Dog, in the form of this happy, accepting, affectionate puppy appears out of nowhere.  He’s a welcome distraction and knowing Daryl’s propensity to try to reunite the lost with those they love, he started a new little search.  

That led him to Leah. 

Leah, who was alone.  Like him.  Leah, who knew how to survive.  Like him.  Leah, who was stuck in a place of grief.  Like him.  

Leah, who--and I don’t really feel like I’m going out on too far or precarious limb here considering how many parallels they literally slapped us in the face with during this episode--reminded him of someone he felt he couldn’t have, not even her friendship anymore because by her choosing to ‘be there’ for Ezekiel and Henry and the Kingdom she was always leaving Daryl behind and that’s a pattern we’ve all long suspected has really caused hurt for Daryl even if he’s long ‘accepted’ and dealt with it with stoicism.  

Boy, they really blew the lid off that issue didn’t they?  Oh, it was done rather quietly and in a surprisingly controlled manner, but the hurt it caused?  The tears and emotion it elicited was brought about with an almost surgical precision that stunned Carol, but I digress.  

My point is?  Daryl?  Innate follower that he is?  Daryl had grown accustomed to the human connection he found with Team Family.  He was never 100% comfortable with it but he missed it.  He craved it.  And Rick?  Well, deep down Daryl knew the likelihood of finding his ‘brother’ was minimal.  And with Carol pulling away and putting more and more distance between them--how deep and wide was that river, ya’ll, before the episode was done? when it started off looking like a small trickle of a stream?  how wide was that chasm these two idiots in painfully unspoken love allowed to be formed between them?--essentially the two closest people to him were lost to him, leaving him lost.  

So he stumbles upon this woman who is very reminiscent of people that he’s known.  He’s figured out, even though he keeps trying to buck the trend, that you really can’t make it alone in the world anymore.  And when she shows him some small measure of trust by letting him go?  That part of him that didn’t want to be alone kept drifting back into her sphere.  

Now I’m not going to go so far as saying Daryl fell in love with this Leah.  Because, shipping biases aside?  I really don’t feel like he did.  

Daryl found solace with Leah.  

Companionship.  

Remember another time when Daryl was lost?  When he felt he had failed another member of his family? Lost what he thought was the last of his family?  How alone he was at a crossroads when Joe’s group of Claimers came along?  

I’m not equating Leah with the Claimers in any other way except saying Daryl was in a similar headspace when he met her, okay?  Before anybody goes off on me.  I’m just saying that Leah?  She represented what Daryl felt was his one chance NOT TO BE ALONE.  

Daryl’s emotionally stunted, ya’ll. He’s made great strides, but trauma always seems to regress him.  Thankfully, it seems to regress him less and less as he really and truly matures, but it still has a habit of reverting him back to the Daryl we first met.  The Daryl we can easily see growing up in Merle’s shadow. 

When he threw that damn fish at her door, I literally laughed for ten straight minutes because that was funny as hell.  But honestly?  The more I thought about it, the more it dwelled in my mind?  The sadder it actually made me because here’s a grown man essentially trying to connect with another human being on an adolescent level.  

So much of what we were shown in this episode really just reinforced what I’d already suspected to be true--Daryl Dixon just doesn’t ‘get’ the basics of interpersonal relationships.  At least those that could be perceived as romantic.  For all that Carol mused it was like he had become a man back in Atlanta, during Consumed and their search for Beth?  That man is still very much trying to fumble his way out of the starting gate so far as pursuing a woman in any form or fashion.

This is just my opinion and we all know what they say about those, lol, but Daryl has longed for an even deeper connection with Carol since the Prison.  Maybe even before that. I think at the Farm his eyes were opened to her and he started trying to be a better person to match what he perceived as her goodness.  Before he even knew she wanted one, he was trying to be a man of honor.  Then stuff and thangs happened and shit, like Daryl once told Abe, just never settled.  Carol drifted out of Daryl’s reach because he wasn’t equipped with the emotional tools to really go after what he wanted--her in a deeper, different capacity than he’d ever wanted or asked for before--and shit, ya’ll.  If loneliness is a choice then Daryl Dixon was sick and damn tired of it.  

Do I think there’s even really a choice between Leah and Carol in Daryl’s mind though?  A true choice were he to absolutely, 100% realize and know that Carol’s heart was earmarked for him from the very beginning and that she’s suffering from the same delusions that she’s not good enough or deserving of him?  

Absolutely not.  

Leah knew that even if Daryl never divulged any specifics about Carol.  She knew the answer to her ultimatum before she even made it.  

And that ultimatum, ya’ll. 

Maybe it’s weird, but it put me in mind of when Merle pressed Daryl to make a choice between him and Team Family.  

Merle was blood family but like Carol and others said, he wasn’t good for Daryl.  

Leah might have offered Daryl some solace from his loneliness but ultimately staying isolated with her and not reconnecting with those he identifies as family is just as damaging as Daryl choosing to follow in Merle’s wake again.  Similarly to that situation, Daryl was clearly torn as soon as the words were out of her mouth.  

Between loyalty to family and unspoken love.  

In case there’s any confusion here, the unspoken love I’m talking about is his love for Carol.  He felt something for her back at that Prison.  Fight me.  He knew she’d be hurt by him going back with Merle, but obligation and family loyalty led him to make the decision all the same.  

Still. He knew she’d understand.  And she did, even if his choice hurt her.  

My thought is that this time?  At least initially?  Daryl didn’t completely separate his loyalty to family (searching for Rick) and his unspoken love (for Carol) when he made his decision.  They’re hopelessly entwined because Carol is a little bit of everything to Daryl--friend, family, the woman he loves and has been halfway in love with for so many years.  Initially, he chose the hope that both would come back to him if he just kept searching.  Because searching’s what he does.  From Sophia to Connie, he’s always searched in the hope of bringing the lost back to those that love them.  He’s always searched because nobody searched for him.  

Daryl is the ultimate lost boy who grew to be a man and still feels like he hasn’t been found.  

But how can he be found if the one person he wants to find him keeps running away?  

Daryl didn’t choose Leah.  

Not from his heart.  

Daryl turned back to Leah because he felt Carol slipping away to where he couldn’t follow her.  

If it can even be argued that Daryl chose Leah, it was by default.  Of course, he feels guilty.  Daryl wouldn’t be Daryl without guilt.  He wouldn’t be Carol’s man of honor.  

And he is Carol’s man.  

She may not be in the place to see it--YET--but she’s getting there.  She’s fighting hard against her natural inclination to run.  She’s trying.  She knows what she wants, even if she doesn’t believe she has the hope of getting it.  

Daryl knows what he wants, too.  He knows, once and for all, where he belongs.  He’s stopped searching.  He knows she’s right there.  There’s no more circles.  There’s just a final destination if he can convince the love of his fucking life to stop running from what they both want.  

He may have left that note for Leah, but you can’t convince this viewer that he didn’t write those words for Carol.  

And that’s all I got to say about that.  

For now anyway.  

Omigosh, lovelies.  

So sorry for the emotional word vomit but thank you so much for indulging me even if I did lose my original point somewhere up there, lol.    

[whats-rambled-rambled]

Long Nights - playlist

You can find it on Spotify here.

Eddie Vedder - Long nights

I’ve already talked about it in another post a bit, so--

For the first time, I had a full series figured out even before I started writing. All the arcs, main plot points, even the final conversation! I even had a 3h long playlist with all the songs that would come in handy along the way, but still, none of them was the one (so basically same thing that happened with Smoke series)

I started thinking about the main theme and/or drive for our new Reader, and then it hit me. There already is a story with that vibe, and it has such an amazing soundtrack.

So I opened Spotify and browsed through the album.

And I found it.

The overall mood was not something that was going to be helpful at the beginning of the series, but oh my, those lyrics were it for all the things I had planned.

//Have no fear

For when I'm alone

I'll be better off than I was before//

That’s R, all right. Not afraid to be alone, she prefers it. Nothing can hurt her, unlike when she gets too invested. Commitment issues and whatnot.

//Long nights allow me to feel...

I'm falling...I am falling

The lights go out

Let me feel

I'm falling

I am falling safely to the ground//

Knowing what I was about to put R through, this looks only fitting, don’t you think?

Chapter 1: Sigrid - Don’t kill my vibe

I could see LN!R so clearly. I wanted to explore some of my favourite rogue tropes, and she was perfect for it. In my head, she was definitely younger than the other two from my previous series. A bold type, a joker, but serious when it comes to her craft. Not with the same heavy emotional baggage (not at the start, at least - I felt like, opposed to Smoke!R who was more about distracting herself when she felt too much, our new R would be more about denial, or hiding her issues behind her jokes).

I found this song on some random playlist, and I knew it was her.

//You shut me down, you like the control

You speak to me like I'm a child

Try to hold it down, I know the answer

I can shake it off and you feel threatened by me

I tried to play it nice but

Oh-oh-oh, ooh, ooh

Don't kill my vibe

Oh-oh-oh, ooh, ooh

Don't break my stride//

To me, that was that moment she gets dragged into the car. Not having the obvious lies TP feeds her, definitely finding them all and the stuff they throw at her hilarious, calling them out on their bullshit without thinking twice over it.

//Guess you're surprised I'm the puzzle you can't figure out//

That got me an idea for part 2 and the coffee situation - come on, you know I can’t resist that trope when it comes to Neil, I think it’s an excellent way to get to know the characters a little bit and tell something more about the dynamic.

Tom Grennan - I might

To me, it’s another character introduction song.

//Oh I love, oh I love, love my freedom//

....you already know what I’m getting at, right?

//Don't want no one taking up my time

Staying on my mind, changing up my life

Don't want no one messing up my bed

Fucking with my head, it's no lie//

That’s her. R hates to be manipulated, that’s why she’s mad at Mahir. I didn’t want to put all the angst here, but I knew there was something deeper hidden there, after his comment about her trust issues. I didn’t know what exactly, but I knew it would come in handy later.

There was one spin on the story I was playing with - where she actually lets them all lead her on for a while, a whole elaborate ruse to get her invested and onboard, but that was a lot of drama quite early on, and I wanted this to be a lighter series (oh shush, I am well aware how that played out in the end, I tried, alright? Not my fault I apparently can’t come up with a story without sprinkling it with a shitload of angst)

//But when you look at me like that

I might//

See, this is when I stopped. I didn’t think R would be falling head over heels for Neil right from the start. That’s why the heart beating faster at the end of the chapter was supposed to be about the lock and something finally sparking her curiosity, taking her out of the boredom of everyday life.

Kings of Leon - Find me

That’s more chapter-specific.

//I really wanna know your name

See your face, know who you are, who you are

How did ya find me, how did ya find me?

What are you looking for, are you looking for

How did ya find me how did ya find me

Up in the shadow, picking up my load//

I found it quite fitting the moment R meets Neil again and he drags her to a back alley, and then again, in the car. She isn’t scared, more like fascinated, she finds the whole thing exciting, even.

American Authors - I’m born to run

Oh my god, the vibe of this song! This is that need for freedom and carelessness I needed to tap into.

//I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young

Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run

I'm gonna spend my time like tomorrow won't come

Do whatever I want like I'm born to run

I wanna see Paris, I wanna see Tokyo

I wanna be careless even if I break my bones

I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young

Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run

All these things I've seen and done

I live my life like I'm born to run//

The Pretty Reckless - Prisoner

Another random song I found one day while I was cooking breakfast. I was like “oooh, I dig that!” and then I listened to the lyrics and I knew I needed it for this story.

//You could have my body

But you can't have me

I know I'm a criminal

Don't you tell on me//

That’s it. Her. I knew that would be handy for the moment Neil breaks after all the teasing. And that criminal bit. I mean - come on!

Missy Elliot - Work it

(This is technically part 2 but it was messing with the flow on the playlist and I’m leaving it here)

Okay, this is quite meta and corny, because this is probably one of the oldest jokes you can find for Tenet, and I’ve been battling with myself if I should even put it here, but I referenced it in the chapter, so here we are. I’ve loved this song for years, and when I was trying to think what would R listen to while she tries to clear her head while she works on the bloody inverted lock - that was the only thing that seemed appropriate.

//Come on

Is it worth it? Let me work it

I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it

Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gnaht ym tup i//

...you see what I mean?

Chapter 2: Praise you

God, okay, this song - when I heard it while I was working on the story, it brought a movie-like montage of scenes in front of my eyes. You know the type, when they try to show you how the time passes, how someone progressively becomes better at something. That was Neil, working on those locks. R giving him tips, then teasing him. The way he loses his cool, only to slowly gain confidence, and then how she ups her game, both of them getting their bits of satisfaction from the whole game.

//We've come a long long way together

Through the hard times and the good

I have to celebrate you baby

I have to praise you like I should//

Have I ever told you when exactly I got the idea for the series? When I was writing that hostage situation fic and the moment R remembers her lockpicking sessions. I thought - what if it was the other way around? What if that was Neil who was about to start learning about picking locks?

It had so much potential for ✨hand content✨ and how could I resist?

...And I knew that R would see what I’m seeing, and she would rather like it. And the image of a very flustered Neil while she teases the hell out of him? Yep, yep, yep.

Sam Fender - Start again

This one definitely starts that montage as well, the repetition of going over and over again. Even if the whole song is definitely heavier than I needed, I decided to keep it, mostly for this part:

//Let's start again

Let's learn to talk

Without the fear of being heard

'Cause everybody's listening to everything and everybody

Let's pull the cord

Move below

Let's start again//

Chapter 3: Billy Raffoul - Difficult

Ah, Billy. And when I found this one, I got goosebumps, because I instantly knew that if I had to choose one song for them, it would probably be this one.

//You never get lost in love, you only get lost in me

You never can get enough of whatever you think you need

No matter how hard I try I never can beat this rush

Ain't nobody get me high, feel lighter when we touch//

This fits them so well, innit? We know how R feels about this whole love thing, she enjoys a good shag, and I had a feeling that after such a build-up, that night together would be something quite amazing, for both of them.

//We never get lost in love, we only get lost in sheets

You'd rather just shut me off whenever we get too deep//

That’s the moment when they have a vibe check in the morning. They had fun. Is it gonna affect their dynamic? They’re attracted to each other, they understand one another. Can they keep it casual? We know that R can, or at least she thinks so, but what about Neil? We know he’s a soft idiot, but I specifically imagined a bit younger version of him for this story - he had to be, if he was just learning about lockpicking. So the whole “no dating, just sex” could be fine with him for a while, but would he catch feelings anyway? Probably, yeah. And sooner than later.

//And now I'm standing in the rain

And your hair, it's falling in your face

And I know we're doing the right thing//

Not the rain, but shower, kinda works too, right? And I already knew that the rain would be a pretty important factor a little bit further into the story.

//But I can't help wondering, who will take my place?//

Ouch.

//On and off, difficult

Too in love to let it go

Now, who's gonna hold me like you do?//

The emotions in this bit, dear lord. It’s this high that takes your breath away, sweeps you off your feet, scorches the reality, and leaves no survivors.

That being said, I don’t think they are really in love at this point. They really care for each other, though, that’s where the softness comes from.

//Hmm who's gonna hold you like I do?//

I literally gasped when I heard that last line. Hits right in the heart, just as I like it.

Rhys Lewis - Waking up without you

There’s something in this song that makes it incredibly sexy. It was great for the morning after vibe, where they don’t really have enough of each other yet.

//Skin on skin

We didn't finish what we started

Heart to heart

I'm missing your love//

Keir - Probably

The way it flows? How powerful the chorus is? It’s heavy, hot, and just makes my heart beat faster.

//Colliding were the walls

And I forget where I began

I wish I could remember love//

Holy fuck. It always makes me think of something awakening deep inside R, definitely not ready to be acknowledged at that moment in the story.

//Probably underneath

There's a remedy

Possibly in the air

In the oxygen I breathe

Probably//

And this part is just mind-blowing. There’s this longing there, and if that feeling isn’t perfect for something more steamy, then I don’t know what is.

Dermot Kennedy - Glory

This one just… expands my heart? I don’t know how else to explain it. Especially the chorus. And then when I think of it in the context of the story, I somehow place it in TP’s office, when Neil gets all protective and doesn’t want to risk taking Reader on a mission where something can so easily go wrong, only because he isn’t prepared enough.

//A set of eyes had pinned him

Became his version of a kingdom

She's everything the devil can't be

When she's singing to me "Glory"//

Maybe that’s when he starts to realize that he cares more than he thought.

Rhys Lewis - Living in The City

If the previous song was Neil’s perspective, we’re back to R. Just look at the lyrics:

//I've been living in the city too long

I've been given everything that I've got

Been a sinner and a saint

Crazy, and sane

I've been living in the city too long//

We’re kinda circling back to part 1, that need to skip town, right?

//There's a part of my soul that wants to let go

Wants to just run away

But the rest of my soul says I should stay

I should stay//

And now we’re back when she can say that the mission is not her problem, she did the best she could, and TP can go fuck himself. Is it just that she feels responsible for her student? Or she likes him enough so she has to make sure he succeeds and comes back? Or she sees a friend in need, something to open, and doesn’t think twice about it?

Chapter 4: Bastille - World gone mad

God, do I love this song.

//So this is where we are

It's not where we had wanted to be

If half the world's gone mad

The other half just don't care, you see

You don't want to fuck with us

British to the very last

When it feels like the world's gone mad

And there's nothing you can do about it

No there's nothing you can do about it//

It felt so accurate for the part when R gets to see all that inverted reality? There’s a slight heaviness of heart there, and it matches the mood when she feels overwhelmed. On the other hand, there’s a bit of hope, the feeling of not being alone in this mad world, and that’s all that matters.

Who’s Molly - Touch the sky

Badass. Pure and simple. It hypes you up, brings a smile to your face, makes you believe everything is possible.

//We can never see beyond that horizon.

And no one knows this road and where it's going to lead.

But there's one thing, one thing that's for certain.

We'll make it through.

If you were here with me.//

That softer bit with inverted guns. And later on, throughout the chapter. They both find comfort in each other’s presence on the mission, after all.

//I wasted so much time trying to find a meaning.

I never looked up, couldn't seem to turn around.

And then you crashed in, and you gave my life a reason.

You pick me up, so high and my feet won't touch the ground, no no no.

Never would have thought I could win this battle.

I was left for dead, every hope in tatters.

We're going to set the world alight tonight.

Cause we can touch the sky!//

That’s the excitement and fun they’re having on the training grounds, not at all stressed about what’s to come.

//Close your eyes, free your soul.

You feel it, don't try it, then you’ll never know.//

Ah, and we’re here at my favourite reference to feeling something, thank you Mr Nolan, sir, so useful.😌

Dermot Kennedy - Young & free

Another one by Dermot Kennedy, and definitely not the last.

//All that she said to me stays with me, never to die

Held me brand new in the silence that went through the pines

Like I said already darling, I don't want you looking back at all the ghosts left behind

Know you'll stay near me so road remains hopeful this time

We were young

We were free, come on now, let it go//

The little whiplash in the mud, where they share a short moment, before they follow with the crackheadery, maybe partly to push back from coming close to something more meaningful. Because it’s there already, kindling, waiting to be spotted and recognized.

James Gillespie - Don’t let me get me

Okay, so - the original song by P!nk was always something that resonated with me, so when Spotify recommended that one, I was like “okay, I’m not sure why but let’s try it.” And then it brought me to that scene in the container.

//I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me

I'm my own worst enemy

It's bad when you annoy yourself

So irritating//

To be honest, I didn’t plan on R to have such a strong case of a mean brain. It was supposed to be a lighter series 🙃. But as you already know, those characters have minds of their own, and it kinda sorta happened. I knew it would be more of a simple panic than full-blown panic attacks that haunted StuckIn!R, topped with pretty loud intrusive thoughts causing her to spiral, especially when she was exhausted.

Ruelle - Oh my my

Listen to that one and tell me you don’t want to go on a sneaky mission, I dare you. I even had it noted as my title song, but then I switched to Bastille.

//I can feel it in my bones, in my bones

Hear it rumble like a drum, like a drum

Like a vapor in the wind, in the wind

You never see us creeping in, creeping in

Oh my my, oh my my

You never stood a chance

...

Ready or not, here we come//

The vibe is just amazing. The low-key hype? Is that a thing? It must be. And those drums! Even quite fitting for a patter of rain, one might argue.

Speaking of rain--

Chapter 5: Dermot Kennedy - After rain

The title alone is perfect for this chapter, but the rest of it - my poor heart. This chapter and the finale have some of the most beautiful and/or heart-wrenching songs I’ve ever heard, and this one is definitely one of them.

//But it's alright because

You cause lanterns to light

And force demons disperse

And if Lucifer may fear the swift drying of tears

Then, for evil, you could not be worse

But I see you now, yeah, I see you

And release me now, kinda like dreams do

And I see you now, was hard to see you

Just don't forget to sing

Remember everything//

So we have Neil storming off from the bathroom because he’s clearly going through something. The immense guilt brewing inside him, overflowing and backfiring, when he can’t cope with seeing her so battered, knowing that she may never fully recover, and just because he hesitated out there. The fear is there, but also other feelings he tries to keep in check now.

I had that image of R asking him to stay, then just breaking down in the darkness. I was aware it would only add to the issues Neil already had, but it would be nothing compared to the fact that she needs him, and he’d be ready to push everything that bothered him away to comfort her.

Humming a lullaby that he promised her in the container. And R recognized it (kind of), because he used parts of it to plead with her to stay with him after the fall, so she could one day hear the whole thing, because she took that rain check and she needed to cash it in, right?

...yeah, I like breaking my own heart, why? (should I write that part one day?)

//If you think just maybe it's her

Then promise me, young man, you're gonna let her know

You won't go lonely, yeah

It'll all be better in the morning

'Cause while you sleep, I'll build a wall//

Aquillo - Six feet over ground

Whenever I hear this song now, my mind goes to that scene in the bathroom.

//Today's the day I found myself alright

When I look ahead, pretend it never came.

I found a way to keep my head above

But the hardest part is to say 'No it's not'

Well I'm okay, and I'm still breathing

I'm still six feet over ground

But you don't need to know now

You don't need to know how I'm doing//

They both hide how they really feel. That they are not okay. They’re both scared, blaming themselves. Reader doesn’t want to worry Neil too much, but she also tries to convince herself that she is fine. And a moment of peace they share shatters as soon as she downplays what happened aloud, and when Neil goes off, she hides behind yet another joke, and then behind a blindfold.

Aquilo - Silhouette

The one for when R tells Neil goodnight and then can’t fall asleep. //Devil's on your shoulder

Strangers in your head

As if you don't remember

As if you can forget

It's only been a moment

It's only been a lifetime

But tonight you're a stranger

Some silhouette //

When he comes to check in on her, and something feels off. She’s lost, yet finds enough strength to ask him to stay.

//Just hold me//

Nathan Ball - Drifting

//I can see in your eyes

When you lie awake at night

You convince yourself you're fine, it's alright

To keep on drifting

With the drugs keeping you high

They catch you falling from the sky

I keep asking myself why

You stand by

And keep on drifting

…

So tell me what you hold inside

Tell the backstreets of your mind

You're still lonely as a child

Teary eyed

Kept on drifting//

Knowing our Reader a bit longer by now, I knew what would happen if she was to be left alone with her thoughts, in pain, and with Neil being weirdly distant.

Have you ever lied in bed, crying silently, trying not to wake up the person next to you but getting absolutely torn apart by the sadness roaring inside you? It’s a different kind of loneliness, not helping in the slightest when you’re biting back sobs. Anyway,--

//So take my hand and hold on

Take my hand don't let go//

That’s something that happened almost organically with these two. Part of their language, hand touches as a sign of support.

I gotta admit, I watched Shadow and Bone already being in the middle of writing the series and seeing how overused the hand-holding flashback was... it there made me slightly cringe every time it came up in the story I was writing later on. On the other hand (hah), it was so them. It had to stay.

Dean Lewis - Need you now - Acoustic

//Cold light wakes me in the morning,

Your side is empty I was calling out to you,

I was calling out to you.//

That’s the next day after R’s breakdown, but check out the next lyrics.

//But I don't need your love,

I just need your

Talking next to me when I wake up, wake up

Talking next to me when I wake up next to you,

When I'm hungover too.

Cause you're the only one who comes when I'm lonely,

You're the only one who comes when I'm lonely for you,

When I'm lonely for you.

All that I need is a sweet escape,

And all that I need is a sweet escape.

...

Cause I don't need your love

But I just need you now

And I don't need your love

I just need you now//

This, y’all, is R, still convinced that it’s not about love, and it’s so perfectly put into words, but the music and the vocals are dripping with longing, making it even more spot-on for the occasion.

RHODES - Breathe

The emotions captured in this… holy shit. They clench my chest and make me struggle for breath. This could have been a song playing in the background when R wakes up from a nap to Neil having a breakdown of his own.

//Mind break in two,

There's a light in the sky, there's a light

And it's all for you

Dawn colors all

Tell me how do you feel?

Tell me how do you need to heal?//

Looking for his hand, only to find a clenched fist. And when she realizes he’s been crying and she hears how broken he is, that’s enough to make her heart shatter, doubly so because he’s agonizing over something she feels responsible for.

//Breathe, release it all

Come on now, I'll keep you warm

Come on!

Breathe, release it all

Come on now, I need your love

Come on now!//

To me, every “come on”, repeated with urgency, is how desperate she is to make him stop spiraling down when she kisses him, and then again, more purposefully, until he gives in and comes back to her.

Circa Waves - Fire that burns - Acoustic

The one for ✨the moment✨.

//Comfort me, oh comfort me

I'm lighting up

To see the day you run for me

You run for me, my love//

Because they both seek comfort in the act, two broken people mending whole in each other’s embrace. Ultimately, finding there something more, whether they are ready to acknowledge it or not.

//But I've been tied up

For days

And I've been thinking of the things that you say

And I've been wound up

Each way

I need to let you know, to let you know today//

Neil already knows how important she is to him. And that’s what he tries to say between the choked-out words, that he thought he’d lost his chance to tell her how much she means to him.

//You call me a liar

You call me so innocent

But you lit the fire

You lit the fire that burns

The fire that burns inside us

I'm not innocent

I lit the fire, the fire, the fire

I lit the fire//

Oh yes, that bit definitely seeped into the chapter.

The XCERTS - Feels like falling in love - alternative version

//Keep yourself safe, keep yourself safe she said

You broke your own heart but there's no need to lose your head

Keep yourself sane, keep yourself sane he said

You gotta give up, give up, give up the dark

To start again//

You can see it, right?

Outlining the whole story, I knew that part 5 would be the part when they fall in love, or realize that they already might be.

//And it feels like falling in, falling in love

Yeah it feels like falling in, falling in, falling in love

Could save me tonight//

The 1975 - Fallingforyou

//According to your heart

My place is not deliberate

Feeling of your arms

I don't want to be your friend, I want to kiss your neck

Don't you see me I

I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you

And don't you need me I

I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you

On this night, and in this light

I think I'm falling (I think I'm falling), I'm falling for you

And maybe you, change your mind//

They’re so vulnerable there. Everything Neil pours into the act sweeps R off her feet and she opens up and to let him feel the extent of how much she cares for him, unaware that it might be shifting into something from the territory she promised herself not to venture into. Because that’s not important then. Nothing else is. Just them. So simple.

Adam French - Weightless

The light and softness in this song remind me of another Weightless I used for the finale of the Smoke series.

That’s the moment after. Softness. Closeness. Bliss.

//I told ya that you were the only weight on my shoulders

You see you're gonna make it alright

How you're gonna make it alright

When you're gonna make it alright, alright, alright

You say your body will

You say your body will

Hold me in the night

...

Only you can make me weightless

...

Closer is all I ever wanted to be

There for ya so you can be confiding in me

There to break the fall

Here for everybody to see

Weightless after all//

Chapter 6: Declan J Donovan - Perfectly imperfect

I had the moment they fall in love. I knew how it was gonna end, the conversation with Mahir and how it goes from there. I thought that we need some calm before the storm that was bound to happen, and what’s better than a little domestic fluff? A time when they can see each other in a different setting, get to know one another even better. Fall even harder.

And my god, this song.

//You live like you're a secret

One that only I could know

'Cause I said

You know what I want and

I know who you are

I know when I hold you and love you

You'll get up and go before you fall apart//

...that last line hits different when you know what’s gonna happen later, right?

//I'll bring you every colour that I find

In your eyes

You wake me up

And it breaks my heart

That you're perfectly imperfect

You're hurting but you're worth it

You don't know why

I would waste my time

But I'm falling and I mean it

I want you like I need it

There's nothing you could try to change my mind

'Cause I'm in love

So call me when you want me and I'll come running

Find me waiting at your door

So tell me if you're lonely and it won't last long

'Cause I'm in love with you (you)//

That light when the song gets to the part about being in love -- there’s so much tenderness there, and it resonated with the story so much. And the perfectly imperfect line, so so good.

Bastille - Survivin’

The way the song swings and the hopeful vibe is just what I needed for this chapter.

//And I'm not gonna lie

Say I've been alright

'Cause it feels like I've been living upside down

What can I say? I'm survivin'

Crawling out these sheets to see another day

What can I say? I'm survivin'

And I'm gonna be fine

I'm gonna be fine

I think I'll be fine//

As much as Reader didn’t want Neil to be there with her for so long, she really enjoys his company, making the boring and still rather painful recovery period easier.

Ella Henderson, Tom Grennan - Let’s go home together - stripped

Ha, this one! The humour when they tease other words always brings a smile to my face. That playfulness just fits our duo’s dynamic so well.

//Maybe you'll like me the way I am//

Crazy concept, right? And with Neil learning to spot the times when she hides behind a joke, and still being there--

//Feels like I know you so well

You could be everything that I've been missing

I'm coming out of my shell

And I never do that

How did you do that?

It's like I've known you my whole life//

That’s exactly how she feels like. She intently doesn’t think about it though, because if she starts overthinking it… we know what happens. She’s allowing herself to be in the moment, however. And happy.

//You seem like someone I could be myself with, no defenses

Maybe you like me the way I am//

That brings me to all Neil’s animated rants, and how much he appreciates that she always listens. He feels accepted, and I don’t know, it melts my heart a little.

//Baby, I'm in love//

🙃

INXS - Need you tonight

I know I used a cover of this song for another playlist, but the vibe was so different, and you just have to bear with me. It’s one of those songs that sparks the ideas and images, and usually, they involve Neil being a tease and having way too much fun. And as I was plotting the chapter, I thought of R missing out on his shenanigans, and how he could make her see what he was doing, and 😳 oh my. I knew the imagination would run wild. (That definitely might have something to do with a certain scene from a certain movie and a conversation I had with M about how Neil would handle it)

//So slide over here and give me a moment

Your moves are so raw, I've got to let you know

I've got to let you know

You're one of my kind

I need you tonight

'Cause I'm not sleepin'

There's somethin' about you, girl

That makes me sweat//

That’s one sexy song, don’t judge me.

Dermot Kennedy - Days like this

Oh, would you look at that, it’s Dermot again! This one is for that scene on the balcony.

That quiet contentment, like everything fell in its place and life is alright.

//When it's not always raining, there'll be days like this

When there's no one complaining, there'll be days like this

When everything falls into place, like the flick of a switch

Oh my mama told me, there'll be days like this

When you don't need to worry, there'll be days like this

When no one's in a hurry, there'll be days like this

When you don't get betrayed by that old Judas kiss

Oh my mama told me, there'll be days like this//

They’re in the moment, comfortable in the relationship that blooms between them. More casual and laid-back throughout the day only to get more soft and intimate in the evenings, when the inner demons’ voices grow louder.

James Bay - Chew on my heart - acoustic

The way the chorus explodes? It makes me beam widely and my heart is about to burst.

//Take your time

I'll be right here

I know no one could ever love me better

Take all night

You're the truth that

Is breaking me and keeping me together

Together

I wanna be in your touch

Sleep is so tough

You're burning up my mind

What would it feel like if you tore me apart?

Come on chew on my heart

...

I'm on fire

I'm a hot mess

I'm thinking things that I might start regretting

So hear me out

I need you now

I'm spiraling

I'm sinking down

Look for me I'm sending up a message

A message//

I think it weirdly fits those times at night when Neil checks the bruises. When their minds wander to that first evening, and they still feel bad about how it ended up, the closeness brings them back to the present and grounds them.

Picture This - Unconditional

This one just makes my heart sing.

//This magic, I don't know what it is but we have it

Even when we're sleepless and damaged

I don't doubt it

We're holding on//

That’s exactly it.

//Baby I wish we could take this feeling

And put it away somewhere safe

'Til we need it

Unconditional

I'm so afraid of losing your love//

They don’t need big words. But they feel it, all right. Whether they are aware of it or not. And they are afraid of losing each other, now that they know how easily that could happen.

//Shivers running down my back with your fingers

The smell of your perfume it lingers

And whispers

What I want you to say

Under your skin, underdressed under covers

We bring out the best in each other

Two lovers finding our way//

The kiss, the touch, the skin on skin contact - some of the most powerful reminders that, for now, they’re safe.

BANNERS - Start a riot

But it’s not always about going all the way, because sometimes you just need to be held. And this song just speaks to me of all that tenderness, all the feelings clenching the heart so much they’re unable to say a word, just want to keep each other as close as they can. Just to make sure they’re really there.

//I will march down an empty street like a ship into the storm

No surrender, no retreat

I will tear down every wall

Just to keep you warm

Just to bring you home

I will burn this city down for a diamond in the dust

I will keep you safe and sound when there's no one left to trust

Will you take my hand?

We can make our stand

If your world falls apart

I'd start a riot

If night falls in your heart

I'd light the fire

In the dark, when you sound the alarm

We'll find each other's arms

For your love, all you are

I'd start a riot//

The lyrics are so beautiful, and there’s so much longing there, and the promise to protect each other, to be there for each other, to face whatever life might throw their way together.

Yeah, it makes me emotional, I absolutely love it. Speaking of emotional--

Chapter 7: Stone Sour - Wicked game - acoustic, live

When Spotify recommended this one to me, I almost skipped it. I’ve heard it a million times in different versions and I thought that there’s nothing to be found there. Oh, was I wrong.

I knew what was going to happen in the chapter - Mahir is about to confront R, surprised by what he sees. And he can clearly recognize that they’re idiots in love, even if they’re trying to lay low in the company. He knows what happened to R, why she’s so cautious and reluctant when it comes to any relationships that are more than simple hookups.

//The world was on fire and no one could save me but you

It's strange what desire will make foolish people do

And I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you

And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you//

Because that’s how it started, right? With desire. One could argue that our duo had solid banter before that, respect and understanding, all those things, sure. But ultimately, that was all that sexual tension, sparked by the playful teasing, that pushed them into each other’s arms in the first place.

//No, I don't want to fall in love

With you, with you

What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way

What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you//

And when Reader finally lets the thought in and it dawns on her that she is, in fact, in love - she goes into full panic. Not because she feels it’s unrequited, god, she’s not stupid, nor blind (too soon?). But she’s mad at herself that she allowed this to happen. She’s afraid that she’ll get hurt, and to avoid that, she has to run away. And that’s gonna hurt Neil as well, and she can’t stand that, hates herself for that, but she’s so scared that she can’t think of any other solution.

Before we get to that, however, there’s a bit more softness to be shared.

Lewis Watson - Little light

//And all this shade is, illuminating

And all those love lines, are taking shape

And all my worries, disintegrating

And I've been waiting, I've been waiting

And all my days were young and wasted

When I was waiting, oh for you

And all the plans that I've been chasing are always fading

But ever since I found you

A little light is breaking through//

Gotta admit, I had this one hidden in the playlists of other chapters, because it captures that feeling when your chest is filled with light and you’re simply happy. It ended up here, because it’s this feeling when R is melting a little inside when she looks at Neil, when she’s in his arms. And how Neil feels, too.

X Ambassadors - Renegades

Funny, I had this song for both times the team appears in the story. There’s this sense of camaraderie to it that I wanted to capture, when you’re with a bunch of people who are like family to you. You can tease them all you want, but at the same time you’d go into battle with them, knowing that you can count on them to have your six.

//Long live the pioneers

Rebels and mutineers

Go forth and have no fear

Come close and lend an ear

…

All hail the underdogs

All hail the new kids

All hail the outlaws

Spielbergs and Kubricks

It's our time to make a move

It's our time to make amends

It's our time to break the rules

Let's begin//

I wanted R to have a taste of that. To let her know that she’s appreciated for helping with the mission. To get to know them all better, and to make amends with TP, of sorts.

I didn’t want to make his motivation clear. He wouldn’t tell her that he knows how the story ends. That he can’t help that, deep down, irrationally, he made her responsible for it. Even if she’s not the one to blame. (And I don’t believe he let’s that happen, in the end, because that’s too much angst, even for me - again, fuck you, Mr Nolan, sir)

Corey Taylor, Dave Grohl, Rick Nielsen, Scott Reeder - From can to can’t

Christ almighty, this one is so raw! The emotional progression in here just blows my mind.

//Under the water

It's cold and it's grey

My torrid autumn

Another season decays

Open up the Hollow

And my walls come down

I tell you it's a problem

Just when no one's around

But then

I know what's wrong

God, you complicated everything

I know you're gone, gone, gone

This is where I will draw my line

I will draw my line//

To me, it’s the scene with R having a breakdown in the bathroom, and then somehow finding the solution. She has a plan, and enough strength and determination to pull through, at least for a moment.

Chapter 8: Dan Owen - Hideaway

I found this song by accident, and I almost screamed at how perfect it is for the finale (and then screamed for the second time when my dearest friend @connie-nikas casually sent me this exact song one day saying that it sounds like something I’d enjoy). The intensity just tears your heart out and makes you struggle to draw a breath, there’s something desperate to it, and I knew that it would be my go-to song for the part where R sleeps with Neil, trying one last time to drown all the pain and sorrow in his closeness.

I could just paste all the lyrics, to be honest, because that’s exactly what’s happening in the scene.

//It's a long way down

I keep backing away from the edge

And it's a slow burnout

Like the fires that rage in my head

And it's a slow cry out

When you've got so many tears you could die

And it's a long time to wait

When you take all my tears away//

Oh, she’s on the verge of tears, all right. Knowing quite well that as soon as Neil picks on them, he’s gonna stop to make sure she’s okay. That once he starts asking questions, she’s gonna fall into pieces, unable to lie to him.

//My body is colder

Time is frozen

All these feelings have poisoned my soul

And in silence no I can't stand it

Please break these chains and hell I can

Hideaway//

She’s scared that if she’s left alone with her thoughts, they will break her and make her stay. What she fears most (besides that she’s gonna end up betrayed, alone and heartbroken) is how Neil’s gonna react to her actions. The last thing she wants is to hurt him. She just hopes that maybe if she leaves now, it’s not gonna be as painful as it would be if she stayed a bit longer. That maybe he’s not fallen in too deep.

//You're my one way out

And my tears won't save me now

Save me now

I can't stand it

All this loneliness I feel

I can't do this alone

I need someone to remind my feelings

That I've fallen down by the door

It's a long way down and my tears won't save me now

It's a long way down

I keep backing away from the edge

And it's a slow burnout

Like the fires that rage in my head//

Macy Gray - I try

One of the first songs that came to my mind when I was composing the playlist for the series. It may be a tad too upbeat for my liking, hah, but parts of the lyrics are spot on, and it had to be there.

//I try to say goodbye and I choke (Yeah)

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke (Yeah!)

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near//

It makes me think of the time when they’re in the car. She’s going over the plan, kinda skipping the moment she’d have to say goodbye to Neil. That’s the unbearable part. And when he asks an innocent question and touches her, she crumbles and jokes. Partly to distract him from prodding further, but mostly to distract herself. I didn’t plan on them getting all worked up there, it...happened, but I figured it made for a decent ground for what was about to go down in the hotel room.

Belle Mt. - Hollow - acoustic

//She told me she was hollow

That's far from what I see//

That feeling you get when everything is too much and it leaves you hollow because you can’t take it anymore. A safety mechanism of sorts. It kicks in with Reader, and of course, Neil can sense that something is off. He hopes it’s just her being tired, he knows how she feels after spending too much time with people.

//I told her she was special

She almost let me in

But she couldn't bear the thought of digging up the heart that she's been burying//

We already know it. The thing is - Neil doesn’t. They haven’t really talked about it. Well, they did after the first night, but with all the things that happened later… and with how much affection she shows him? He doesn’t have a reason to suspect something this big.

//Lonely is her favourite

If only I could change it

If I could only save her

But sometimes she's lost, sometimes she's broken

Sometimes she's closed, sometimes she's open

Sometimes she's stone-cold, times she's on fire

Mostly she's everything I desire

Lonely is her favourite place to be//

Galleaux - Tether me

I had it on repeat when I was writing that part when R collapses in Neil’s arms when they’re in bed. Did I mention that I didn’t want Reader to be this emotional in the first part of the chapter? I thought she’d be more distant. Numb, even, here and there slipping up but holding it together until the very end. And then she does that. But it was Neil’s reaction that left me all 🥺. Not only me, apparently, because she let out so much there. I think my heart broke a little when she gave me that make love to me/love me/ never let me go part.

//In this space, do I belong?

It's dark out here in my own thoughts

Pull me back, out of my body

I'm tied to my limbs

They're spinning me out of control

Tether me//

And the way the music builds up only to blow up at 3:11, heavens, and those vocals! It just takes my breath away, fits so well there.

Nothing But Thieves - Lover, please stay

There can’t be a series playlist without Nothing But Thieves! And it’s another song Chels sent me. The way it broke me-- bloody hell. It’s that gentle guitar, it’s the raw emotions in the vocals, and those lyrics! It rips my heart out, in the best way possible.

It’s for that part where Neil falls asleep and R breaks down, fully realizing what she is about to do.

//Lover, I know you're weary

Eyes are tired from the night

Lover, come to the kitchen floor

Tiles are cold, so am I//

You bet your ass she’s having flashbacks to those moments on the cold tiles, but in her bathroom.

//Lover, I feel your sorrow pouring out of your skin

And I don't wanna be alone

If I am tonight, I'll always be//

Lonely might be her favourite place to be, but losing Neil by her own decision hurts more than she thought possible.

//So take from me what you want, what you need

Take from me whatever you want, whatever you need

But lover, please stay with me, oh//

You know what’s the worst, though? As if that scene was not heartbreaking enough, my brain decided to remind me how much it parallels part 7 from Stuck in reverse. Yep. ✨Pain.✨

Foo Fighters - Home

When she walks to her apartment. Crying. Broken. Missing him already.

//Wish I were with you

But I couldn't stay

Every direction

Leads me away

Pray for tomorrow

But for today

All I want is to be home//

About to leave for good.

This is the bit that prompted the final conversation. What even is home to her? Living the way she does, it never was something important. I struggled with that idea, I thought it’s too sweet. But Neil, the stubborn ass that he is, didn’t want to give me anything else, so it stayed - and in the end, I’m happy that it did.

BANKS - Someone new

Okay, this one is perfect with its sadness and longing, but it’s a hit and miss when it comes to lyrics. Take a look -

//I can love you desperately

Though your love ain't guaranteed

Oh, I wish you knew the deal

Gotta learn from far away

And I simply needed space

Space for me to be

And I think you need it too

Though I know you call me selfish for assuming

I did this for you too//

This, this, all of this! You see it, right?

//Everything I do, I'm gonna think of you

Don't know what else to do//

Well, one could argue that they could just talk it through without all the drama, but hey, where’s the fun in that? And running away really seems like the best option to R.

//And please don't fall in love with someone new

I promise one day I'll come back for you//

And here it’s off because I don’t think she plans on going back. So she wouldn’t want him to not fall in love with someone else, because why would she? He deserves to be happy.

//Oh, you say you hate me now and you burn me with your words

Calling me a fool

Saying that I've fucked up everything

And you'll never forgive me//

See, I have a few options for what to do when Neil finds her at the riverside. I knew one thing though - it would never be a full-blown argument and accusations. At first (and when I say first I mean before I actually started writing chapter 1, because I already had the last scene plotted out by then), I thought Neil would be calm, with a kind of “I know you love me too, silly, so what on earth are you doing?” vibe to him, to R’s annoyance. Then, the story became heavier, and I knew Neil would be worried. Lost. Confused. But never to the point of losing his temper, not after that one time in the bathroom. And that’s what happens in that scene. He doesn’t know what to do as he tries to make some sense out of it all.

Agnes Obel - Riverside

//Oh my God I see how everything is torn in the river deep

And I don't know why I go the way

Down by the riverside//

As I mentioned, I knew what I wanted for the final confrontation from the start. That’s why I tried to make that river quite important for both of them, weaving it into the story here and there. That’s why they instinctively go there.

Billy Raffoul - Dark four door

There’s this sad acceptance in this song that just breaks my heart. It makes me think about the moment when Neil wakes up and sees that she’s gone. How he doesn’t know what’s going on, and how his mind slowly connects all the things that felt strange, but he’s unwilling to accept it until he checks Reader’s place. And much it costs him to keep it together when he sees that the bag is gone.

//You got up, you felt you should

I keep trying to myself I would've done the same had I could

I never thought that you would//

Chris Cornell - Before we disappear

Whenever I hear this song, I think of Neil standing there with Reader, hurt, trying to understand what went wrong.

//So how hard can it be to share your life with me?

How hard can it be to rise with me each morning?//

Dermot Kennedy - A closeness

The last one by Dermot. If that isn’t their conversation--

//Keeping her bright eyes focused on the coastline, waiting for you

Isn't she all of us pining for that last kiss

A permanent truth, a means to get through//

Why does she stay up for so long in their spot? Does she subconsciously count on him to show up? Unable to let go, once and for all?

//Deep into the night, eyes closing

Heart swollen with my loving for you

A solid embrace, kind face

And then the hurt starts leaving the room, followed by goons

Sometimes it's open wide and lights the road at night

You've got a heart like the moon

Gather courage, if you're doing something, do it

'Cause she got to go soon//

And when Neil sees her, he wants nothing more than to hug her, he’s so relieved. But then she snaps at him, and he can’t believe that she’d actually think that he planted a bug on her to track her. It’s another wound he didn’t expect, but he waits for her to explain her actions before he lets out how much it all affected him.

Ryan McMullan - Outcry

I was close to making this one a title song for the chapter because as Hideaway sounds like it was written for the time they make love, this one is for the time Neil asks why she left.

//You came a long way to see me

So don't you run off, baby stop pretending that you're fine

What's the point that you're making

Tell me what it is that's going 'round inside your mind

If in doubt, don't fake it

I have known you long enough to know that you can't lie

If you're in love don't be ashamed of it

'Cause even angels fall for demons//

God, of course he saw that she wasn’t alright that night, but she seemed so sure about what she needed that moment that he decided not to push her - they had all the time in the world, he could ask her about it in the morning, right?

And Neil knows when she’s hiding behind jokes. That’s why he doesn’t want to play her game when she deflects what he says about the way she was in bed. He wants her to be honest. Especially since he knows what he saw in her eyes, in her actions, when they were together, and he’s sure it all must have meant something to her.

//I've heard stories, but they're jaded

So give me something more

I only know what I've been told

But I can tell that you're frustrated

And I won't ever pry, I'll only be a hand to hold

If you tell me you're hurting

I'm hurting too, yeah

Don't tell me you're fine - unless you're fine

I'll wait for the outcry

Whenever there is something weighing on your mind//

And Neil knows he can’t pressure her, that’s why he just stands with her and waits. Sweeping his mind over and over again for anything that could have prompted this whole mess.

//If you feel like leaving

Then maybe it's for the best

Or if you feel like you've given in

Oh, give yourself a chance

If you feel like crying

Oh please don't hold it in

If you feel like reaching out oh

Let me in//

His heart is aching when he hears her reason why she feels like she has to leave. That’s when he touches her. To pull her back from her head to something real. To remind her that nothing has changed. That he’s there, and not going to let her go that easily. That he loves her, because he needs her to hear it, so she knows for sure. And when she tears up, there’s only one desperate plea in his mind.

Gavin James - Hard to do

One heavy hitter after another, and this is another killer. The longing in Gavin’s voice clenches your chest and you just want to hide in somebody’s arms.

//Oh, I've been thinking that I don't wanna leave

This house isn't home to me

I'm tired of losing everyone I see

Now that you're here, it's a hard thing to do

Trying to hold on//

Does she really want to leave? She feels she has to, but god, if only she knew for sure her heart is safe, she would stay with him forever. The problem with life is - you can never be so sure. And when Neil shows up… it takes everything, even unreasonable anger, to keep her together.

//Maybe I don't believe that I don't wanna run

But two hearts are better than one

You say you'll stick around but I'll be gone

Oh, I'll be gone

It's a hard thing to do, trying to hold on//

Reader knows that it’s gonna be nearly impossible to walk away now. And she’s afraid.

//Oh, but I need you

Far more than I ever want you

It's such an unnatural thing we do

When falling in love's just so hard to do

Hard to do//

She can’t bring herself to look at him after she tells him what’s going on with her. But when Neil touches her and takes her hand, she can’t keep it inside anymore. Then he tells her that he loves her, and everything floods her at once. Fear. Guilt. Love. All that combined with his simple plea is enough to finally make her give in.

Damien Rice - I don’t want to change you

I had it on repeat since the moment Neil touched her. The softness of what happens there, melting the barriers once and for all.

//Wherever you are

You know that I adore you

No matter how far

Well, I can go before you

And if ever you need someone

Well, not that you need helping

But if ever you want someone

Know that I am willing//

He’s there for her. Always has been, always will be.

//Oh, and I don't want to change you

I don't want to change you

I don't want to change your mind//

Here. I think that’s what is really important about them and their relationship.

//I've never been with anyone

In the way I've been with you

But if love is not for fun

Then it's doomed

'Cause water races

Water races down the waterfalls//

Lucy Spraggan - Run

Ha, this kinda feels like an end-credits song, don’t you think?

//I just to run to the end of the world

Just to see if it's possible

I don't care what I've been told

I want to run to the end of the world

I'm going to run,run,run

Bye bye problems

Run 'til the road hits the sea

You better run,run,run

If you want to be free//

Granted, she didn’t run off without Neil, but found a way to run with him instead. There’s that heart-bursting light and freedom in this song, I think it captures that happiness they found, working it all out in the end.

//I wanna feel invincible

One more mile out of principle

I want to see the whole damn world

One cross road can change it all//

Travelling the world. Doing what they like most. Together.

------

Quite a journey that was.

Thank you all for taking it with me.

[addictofsupernatural]

The Outsiders (pt. 1)

Zed Necrodopolous x reader

Z-O-M-B-I-E-S Fanfiction

Summary: When you moved to Seabrook to get away from the drama of your past, you meet a sweet zombie who you can't get enough of.

Word Count: 1999

When you moved in with your aunt and uncle, they warned you that Seabrook was different. Your two cousins had also made this seem very important to know. It was a perfect place with perfect people, who scorned the ones that didn't fit it. Not that you cared. You were used to being different.

They also told you about the zombies. When your aunt spoke about them, it was with with pity, while your uncle talked about them with disgust. She was a clothing designer, and he was a zombie patrol policeman. It was partly her job to make the zombies' special clothing, and it was his job to patrol zombietown at night.

In all honesty they just peeked your interest. They just seemed like normal people that weren't recognized, and you thought about what it might be like for them to be outsiders as well.

Your mother had taught you that life is too short to care what people think, and that being mean to people was useless. So you put a smile on and tried to be happy with your new life. Maybe something good awaited.

You put on your white t-shirt and dark red skirt, and walked to school. As you headed to school, you saw your uncle on the zombie side of the fence for the school entrance. He got reassigned to watch over them. One of the zombies were looking at their class schedule, when it flew out of his hands and slid on the floor and through the fence. You picked it up, smiling at him as you went on your tippy toes to give it to him. "Here you go."

"Thanks." He smiled, and looked very handsome in your opinion. "I–"

Your uncle banged on the fence. "No trying to grab humans. Don't make me have to take you downtown."

"No, officer I was just trying to–"

"Zip it zombie. Leave the humans alone."

"No," you said. "He wasn't doing anything wrong. I was just handing him his paper."

"I don't care, get inside." Your uncle stared daggers into you.

"But–"

"I know you're new here, but I'll only say this once. When an adult tells you to do something, you do it. No questions asked. Maybe you weren't taught that where you're from, but things are different here." Your smiled quickly faded as you put your head down and walked inside. He didn't have to say that.

Zed watched you leave with a frown on your face. He didn't know who you were, but it still hurt him to see your smile leave like that. "Little piece of advice." The guard said. "Don't talk to the humans. Don't try to be chummy friends, because you can't. At the end of the day, she's normal and you're not." Zed didn't say anything as he went inside with Bonzo and Eliza.

As you walked with your head kept down, you accidentally bumped into a blonde girl. "Oh, I'm sorry!"

She kindly smiled at you. "It's okay. I'm Addison."

You nodded and smiled. "Y/n."

"So, are you gonna try out for the cheer squad?" She seemed very excited.

"Um, no." You tried to say kindly. "Don't get me wrong, I love dancing, but cheerleading isn't really my thing." She frowned and looked confused. "But I'd be more willing to help you out if you need a partner to practice with anytime."

Her smile perked up again. "Oh, that's so sweet. I would totally love that!" She excitedly took your hands. "Come on, you should meet Bree."

Into middle of first period, an alarm started to go off, and everyone began to panic. On the wall it said Z | ALERT and was flashing red, but you didn't really know what that meant. When you got out to a hallway, the zombie from before came running up in a panic. "Can you hide me somewhere?"

"Um." Was all that came out of you before you looked at a zombie safe room, grabbing his hand and you both going in. It was pretty much pitch black, and you led him to a wall for both of you to sit down on the floor. "So, I'm guessing the alarms are from you?"

You heard him let out a sigh. "I didn't mean to scare that girl, she just freaked out when she saw me. This wasn't really how I wanted my day to go."

"You mean you didn't want an angry mob of people after you?" You asked in a playful sarcastic tone.

"Well," he said. "Not like this."

"What?" You laughed out.

"I'm trying out for the football team today." He felt you get closer to him, and felt calmer. You didn't fear him. "I don't know if I'll make it, considering how my day's gone."

"No, I'm sure you'll make it! Everyone's really excited for the cheer tryouts, so pretty soon there'll be a whole swarm of people cheering for you when you make it."

"And what about you?" His voice became a little softer.

"Well, cheerleading isn't for me. I was hoping they'd have a dance class, but they don't. But hey, I wouldn't mind cheering for you at your games. Just in the crowds."

You turned your head to his dark figure. He chuckled, before saying, "I'm Zed."

"I'm y/n."

Just then the lights came back on and you saw his handsome smile, causing you to smile back. He was about to say something, when you both heard, "Y/n! There you are!"

You turned to see Addison with four other cheerleaders. "Gross!"

"Zombie germs!"

One of them tugged you away from Zed. "Look here Zombie, if one of my cousin's friends are caught around you again, it's going to get ugly. And as you can see, that's not in the cards for me." You looked at Addison, who said nothing. They then tugged you out of the room and away from Zed.

They dragged you to their trophy room. "Listen new girl," the main guy said. "We don't support freaks, and neither should you. You could maybe be cool if you tried out for the cheer squad. And lose that outfit. It's a little too dark for Seabrook. Speaking of outfits, you look like you could rock a cheer outfit."

You didn't want to be rude, so you responded with, "Um, that sounds pretty cool. I'll think about it."

The cheerleaders began to laugh. "Oh new girl, I like your humor. We'll see you there. C'mon cuz." They all then left.

At lunch you began to walk towards Addison, but she was bombarded by more cheerleaders, so you decided to not go over there. You looked around, and saw that someone had spilled their lunch all over the cafeteria floor. Principal Lee saw and groaned. "Can someone please go tell the janitor to clean this mess up?"

"I can!" You said eagerly. "I really don't mind."

"Well," she said, smiling as she looked you up and down. "It's nice to see such bravery for this school. He's in the basement." You smiled and nodded, heading over there. You walked down the stairs happily with your lunch tray.

Zed was excitedly telling his friends about you. "Yeah Bonzo. She even said she'd cheer me on at games. I'm really pumped right now, and I think she likes me."

"Yeah right." Eliza said. "It's just because she's new. Once she figures out that humans don't like zombies, she'll probably stay far away."

Zed gave Eliza a look before their teacher said, "Woah, there's no human students here."

Everybody turned to see you nervously standing there with your lunch tray. "Um, there was a spill in the cafeteria." You quickly set your tray down to hold the door open for the teacher. You then brought your tray over to Zed and his friends and smiled. "Hey."

"Hey." He looked surprised, but eventually smiled back.

"Is it okay with you guys if I stay here for lunch?"

Zed was about to speak, but Eliza cut him off. "You should probably stick with the cheerleaders if you really want to make the squad."

"Oh, I'm not a cheerleader, and I don't really wanna be one." You said as you sat down next to Zed. "They're a little too much for me. I probably wouldn't enjoy it. You should do something because it makes you happy, right?"

Eliza stared at you, but had a small smile on. "Um, yeah."

You turned to Zed. "So, I never apologized for the security guard."

"Oh, yeah. Did you know him or something, cause he was kinda being a jerk to the both of us."

You looked down, and felt heat spread onto your face. "Um, he's my uncle. I just started living with him and his family over the weekend. He's a bit stiff with me since we don't really see eye to eye on, um..."

"Zombikas?" Bonzo asked.

"Yeah. Sorry." You quietly said.

"So what if he finds out that we've been talking?" Zed asked.

"Then we'll just make sure he doesn't." Bonzo and Eliza gave each other a look as you and Zed smiled at each other. "So, I could go to your football tryouts after school. Maybe walk home together afterwards?"

"Really?!"

You shrugged. "Yeah. I don't have much going on after school anyways."

"Yeah, that sounds awesome. You could see me do thang in person."

You giggled, and the bell rang. "Okay, I gotta go. But I'll see you at the football field after school." You waved to all of them and hurried up the stairs.

As you were about to go to class, your cousin pulled your arm. "What were you doing in the basement?" She asked.

You shrugged and grinned. "Got lost. Oops." You then walked into class.

After school you walked to the football field and found him waiting for you at the bleachers. "You came." You nodded. "Okay, now I have to be extra awesome." You giggled and sat down as he grabbed your arms, gently squeezing. "Wish me luck!"

"I will." You then watched him play, and he was actually pretty good. He was good at dodging people, and was pretty fast as well. He excelled at the drills, though he dropped to the ground and rolled in a fit of dramatics. You laughed, yelling out, "You can do this Zed!"

He was still on the ground, but gave you a thumbs up. After a bit everybody lined up to see if they made it. The coach talked, and everybody looked pretty happy. You saw him and Zed talking before Zed walked over to you. You smiled and offered him his backpack, but your smile faded as you saw the disappointed look on his face. "I didn't make the team." He said. "Principal Lee thinks I shouldn't even leave the basement for school."

"Zed, I'm really sorry to hear that."

"Don't be. It's the story of my life." He said frustratedly.

You gently hooked your arm around his as you both walked together. "I'm sure at some point you'll be on the football team. Once people see how awesome you are."

He smirked at you. "Yeah, you're right. Well, I guess for now only you'll get to see my awesomeness."

You chuckled. "I guess so." You both fell into comfortable silence until you said, "I thought you were pretty good, by the way."

"Thanks, but I kinda wanna see you in action."

You laughed. "Um, I don't think I'd do all that good in football."

He laughed too. "No, I meant dancing. You said you liked it, but I haven't seen you dance yet."

"Yet?"

"Yeah. We'll go dancing together at some point. It's just a matter of time." You looked down with a flushed face, grinning. "So, why did you move in with your aunt and uncle?"

"Um, they're the only family I have left now." He stared at you. "I'll explain another day." He nodded.

You both then made it to the border of Seabrook and Zombieland. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow. Maybe we'll even have a day where people aren't trying to pull us apart."

You chuckled. "Wouldn't that be something."

He grabbed your hand and spun you softly. "Until next time."

You smiled and began walking the other way. As you buried your hands in your face and hopped around to calm yourself, Zed was silently jumping and fist bumping the sky. You thought about what he said, and decided that you would do something for this school, and it involved dancing.

---

Author Note: Please let me know if I should keep going with this, or if you maybe wanna be tagged if I end up making a series.

[r3b3lgrrrrrrrl]

A LunaTic and her Gunn (Part 109 1Xs2) "Welcome To The Hotel Diablo"

@crystalbaby12 @5sosfam1dlover @backoftheroomandnotbelonging @rosefilledhearts-blog

Luna and Ashley may have a strangle on the #1 slot with Nightmare sitting tight for it's seventh week but Colson continues to control a vast majority of the Billboard Top 20 Pop Charts as Hotel Diablo debuts at #5. Not only with the two hits he has with Luna and Dom but also including a few of his own singles.

I Think I'm Okay has been holding strong at #2 for the last four weeks. Keeping the #1 position on the Alternative Charts for it's third also. Bad Things having it's own place at #3 on the Pop Charts for it's third week. Hollywood Whore is up three slots, grabbing the #5 spot this week while THAT Type replaces it at #8. El Diablo is sitting at #11 for it's own consecutive week while Bebe's climbing back up alongside THAT Type as Candy makes it's entrance at #19.

------------------------------------------------

Landing in Cleveland, everyone is pumped. Luna, Pete, Sam, Benny, Ashley and Dom excitedly passing Congratulations to The Boys over Hotel Diablo's immediate success. Everyone's coming in to town tonight. Meeting up for a full performance of the album at the Agora Ballroom for fans then another more intimate performance at Velvet Dog for the album's release party.

Dispersing from the hanger, Slim heads to his own Ohio home, Baze taking Sam along with him to his. Pete, Ashley, Rook, Dom and Benny dipping out to Colson's Cleveland House to meet up with Bullet while he immediately goes over to Emma's with Luna to see Casie.

------------------------------------------------

"Oooh, Sugar... I'm so fucking proud of yooou!! You have FIVE top 20 hits right now... We're gonna have to look some shit up, Buns, because I don't think anyone's ever done that before!" Luna gushes in the back of their Uber as she sprinkles his grinning face with kisses.

"No way. I'm not breaking any Beatles or Micheal Jackson records...." He pauses. "You really think it's possible?" Colson asks with hopeful look twinkling in his brilliant eyes.

"I do...." Luna reassures him as she pulls out her phone. "Here..." She says after a quick internet search. "You haven't broken anything yet... But you're close as fuck." She shows him her phone.

Only The Beatles out rank him with six Top 10 hits from February 29 to May 2, 1964. It's actually incredible and nothing he ever expected. For one of the first times Luna watches Colson go silent.

"I can't believe it fucking debuted at Five, Baby." He lowly admits with a slight hint of red to his sweet cheeks.

"Ohh, I can. You're whole soul is on that record." Luna replies with love.

"That's what I'm afraid of..." He says even lower.

"People always resonate with honesty, Bunny." She tells him, giving her opinion. "Why you think your fan base is so strong? Because you've always been honest." She pulls his cheek over to kiss it with her words.

"I love you." He turns to grin at her again while meeting her mouth.

Somehow, Luna always knows what to say to Colson. Whether he's at his most shittiest, pushing full confidence or the lowest of his lows, she never fails on telling him the truth in how she sees things. Colson doing the same for her. Neither being aware of deeply they truly take care of each other mentally.

------------------------------------------------

"PEANUT!!!" Colson shouts with a bellowing laugh as he scoops Casie up and spins her around.

Luna and Emma watch the two of them with their hearts oozing after they had greeted each other. Without thinking, Luna laces her hand inside Emma's and lays her head against her shoulder. Slightly catching her by surprise as she easily accepts Luna's affection.

"I love the way he loves her..." Luna sighs wistfully. "He's such a great dad."

"It's one of his best qualities." Emma agrees with a smile as she holds Luna's hand a little tighter. "Think you guys'll have kids?" She asks with a genuine interest.

"I... I don't know...." Luna trails off honestly as she lifts her head up, not bothering to mention Colson or Casie's wants from her.

"I think you'd make a great mother." Emma says, looking directly at Luna. "I see you with Case and how you make Colson a better man.... Not that that's any reason to have a baby... I'm just saying... Should it come, I think you'd be really good at it."

"Wow.... Thanks. That means a lot." Luna smiles thoughtfully.

Squeezing Emma's hand, she nestles back on top of her shoulder with Emma resting her head onto Luna's. Any jealousy or disparity from NY's lunch having already dropped away. Both thankful to have the other in Casie and Colson's life above all else.

Once Colson's finished with her, Casie greets an ecstatic Luna. The young woman dipping down to squeeze the little girl with love. Coaxing her inside with the promise of a new present to her parent's amusement.

"You didn't have to do that." Emma says after Luna gives Casie the new Nikon and tries to show her how to use it.

"Photography is my first love and she mentioned how she wants to learn, so how could I not?" Luna asks with a shrug and a bright smile. "Oh... And thanks for hooking me up with Bonnie. She's been beyond wonderful!" Going on to express her gratitude over Emma's connection and friend.

"Yeah, no problem. She had mentioned last week that you guys have been in contact. I'm glad to have helped... I can't wait to see how it turns out." Emma smiles warmly at Luna.

Colson's been watching all the important females in his life intently. Truly appreciating how easily Luna and Emma have gravitated towards each other while also attending to the youngest. It's easy to see the deep respect and enjoyment they hold for each other. Even in another life, they could easily be genuine friends also.

Grabbing Casie around the neck, he wrestles her around. Many shoutings of DAD escape as she tries to wiggle away to no avail.

"Wanna come to the show tonight?" He asks her as he slightly loosens his grip. "Don't play with me." He lightly shakes her when she hesitates with a sarcastic Uhhhhmmm.

"YEAH I wanna come!!" She grins up  at him. "Mom, can I?" She asks looking over.

"Yeah, Ma. Please." Colson pleads with her as he smirks.

"Ash gonna be there?" Emma asks to Colson's nod. "She'll bring her home after the show?"

"Lemme check." Colson reassures her as he let's go of Casie and digs into his pocket.

While Colson's on the phone, Luna chats with Emma about an array of things. Tonight's shows and the upcoming weddings along with Casie's findings and her adventures during the tour. Their conversation flowing easily while Luna continues helping the little girl figure out how to take pictures with her latest, prized possession. Her attentiveness not being lost upon the mother just like her dad.

"Ash said she can drop her off tonight before the album release party and then I'll just pick her up tomorrow before the Pop Up." Colson interupts them when heading back into the kitchen.

"And you'll keep her until when?" Emma asks.

Colson looks at Luna. "Uhhhh..." He hesitates.

"My girlfriend Deanna is flying in on Monday to try to finish up the wedding fittings... So Tuesday by the latest if that's okay?" She shrugs at Colson before looking at Emma.

With Casie's eyes pleading and her body hopping around her, it's hard for Emma to resist. Not that there's any reason to. Laughing, she says Yes to her daughter's excited hugs and kisses.

After Luna convinces Casie to leave her camera at home tonight, they hug and kiss Emma GoodBye. Arrival texts being promised as always before the trio wave GoodBye from inside the Uber.

------------------------------------------------

Back at The House, Colson's stoked to find Mod, Noah, Phem and Caroline. Along with a ton of packages and everyone else. Opening the boxes, he starts to shout for The Gang.

"Yo!! Pull up!!" He hollers. "I got one for you. And one for you. One for you and for you...." He says, handing the small boxes to Caroline, Phem, Mod and Noah before calling the others over that aren't within his long arm's reach.

A box goes to Slim, Pete, Baze, Casie, Rook, Dom, Benny, Bullet, Ashley and even Sam. He sets two boxes to the side for Ashleigh and Dub. Along with a handful of other's, amongst them are ones for Naomi, Trippie and Skies. Pulling Luna close, he hands her hers.

"Aight, bitches open 'EM!!" He shouts with a huge chuckle and grin.

Inside the box is a beautiful, thin, platinum and diamond encrusted Double X pendant on a slim rope chain.

"You're determined to have yourself all over me, hunh?" Luna asks with a snicker as she looks up at him.

"You fucking know it! Two rings, two tattoos, two necklaces. Two times, Kitten. Two times!" He grins wider at their inside joke while scooping her up to kiss her as Thank Yous explode all around them.

"GANG!! GANG!!" Slim shouts as he throws his arms up into an X.

Colson puts on Luna's necklace as Ashley helps Casie with hers. Everyone else assisting one another. Walking into the kitchen, Luna grabs a can of Sprite and an armful of beers. Passing them around, she opens Casie's soda before cracking her own beverage.

🎼Mothafuckas//KNOW//Who rides wit THIS Gang//By the way we be rockin'//Our Double X chains//They too soft//To know//HOW HARD UP WE CAME// Still swangen' around//Keepen' that//Bangen' A Rang thang//Got the baddest bitch//Locked wit tattoos and a rang//Checkin' into HOTEL DIABLO//You know shit's gon' be//FUCKIN' INSANE🎶

Colson shouts, bouncing around as they toast to Family and Hotel Diablo. His intimate circle hooting at his epic freestyle while Luna rolls her eyes and kisses his jawbone. In his soul he is still very much a Wild Boy.

------------------------------------------------

"Oh, Bunny..." Luna coos as her thighs tighten around Colson's waist.

They're upstairs in the shower getting ready for Colson's Big Night. He grips her ass as she clutches the back of his neck, thrusting him deeper inside of her. Both are panting in the steamy air as they suck on and fuck each other passionately. Pulling on the other's hair as their bodies throb and they pound themselves into one another.

"Fuck Kitten, you ready?" Colson gasps when he feels himself tingle from the upcoming explosion.

"Mmmhmmmm...." She moans as she bucks against him faster, giving them both permission to let go.

"Fuuuuuuuck....." They both sigh out in content as Colson continues to hold Luna and they rest their faces in each other's necks.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"I have something for you..." Luna says while they're both still naked from their ShowerFuck, offering up her black portfolio case after finding it amongst their luggage.

"What's this?" He asks with intrigue, remembering the last gift the leather casing had held for him.

"Fuck.... I gotta get that framed." He suddenly thinks. "It'd be perfect in The Brownstone...." His mind drifts as he begins to muse to himself.

"Open it..." She encourages him with a gleaming smile. "I've been working on it for a minute..." She says as her lips drop into a tiny secret.

Unzipping the case, Colson is presented with another canvas. This time displaying an oversized painted replica of their punked out bunny. The background is a deepish purple with edgy whisps of creams and light colored violets flowing through out it. Making the hints of color in the white cartoon animal pop out of it's heavy black outline. The feeling easily representing Hotel Diablo's black and purple atheistic.

Arranged around their matching tattoo, with some items being embedded into the canvas, are physical pieces from The Tour. Their key card from The Watergate, the crumpled receipt from their coffee order in Detroit, a ticket stub from the planetarium in Texas. Amongst them is also the peeled off lable from their bottle of SpringBack 1919 they had shared in the San Francisco speakeasy and her BackStage pass from the Pittsburgh show. All secured and decorated with a slight black outline to showcase each of them.

A little larger than his huge thumb are eight small, intimate pictures of the two of them sprinkled throughout. Some are selfies but other's aren't. Luna breaking her own rule and using other's photography in her art. Angled in the the bottom right corner, in a black and light purple twist, lays a mutilated copy of Luna's lips spelling out Bad Things. Dotted in an iridescent paint to make it sparkle in dark wonderment. Fully tying the whole piece together.

Luna's art is truly like no other's. Combining multi-medias and dimensions with her muse's soul lingering inside of it. Colson's eyes are wide the way they were the night she gave him his first gift.

"Ready?" She asks, popping the switch sitting underneath as he stares silently holding her work.

Their bunny's eyes light up in a low, blue glow from the tiny bulbs buried deep inside the canvas. Colson's heart stops. Reminding him exactly of the night they met.

"Holy fuck, it's beautiful." His heart explodes once it begins to beat again. "How the FUCK does she do this shit...." He thinks in admiration as he continues to look it over.

"Wow." Is all he can say as he stares at his gift.

Luna watches as Colson takes his time absorbing the new piece. Her soul gleaming as he excitedly points out all their little memories. Once he's fully taken it in and sets it down, Colson pulls her in with one strong arm by her waist. Giving her a meaningful kiss.

"You like?" Luna asks with soft eyes and a loving smile.

"I fucking LOVE." He easily declares.

"Cool." Luna smirks, replying just the same as before as she kisses him back and wraps her arms around his waist.

"Thank you." He tells her as he runs his long fingers along her wet skull until his large hands cradle her head.

Colson kisses Luna with a passionate gratitude. Dipping their naked bodies onto the bed, he slowly and sweetly makes love to her. Taking his time as he softly kisses her while overfilling her body with himself. Running her hands lightly along his body, Luna enjoys their tenderness.

"Oh SHIIIIT..." Luna lowly moans as he kindly gives them both exactly what they want.

Sighing contently, wrapped in each other Luna and Colson let their kisses linger on each other's lips. Genuine and truthful I Love Yous being passed between them as they enjoy their quiet, intimate moment together.

Finally gathering themselves, they proceed to burn and chatter together as usual while they get dressed. Colson still railing his preference of Adderall while Luna pops her own three percs. She's trying hard but the gaping hole that ripped her shoulder muscles in two REALLY fucking HURTS.

Colson's dressed in all black while Luna pulls on loose, ripped jeans and a white crop top. A red and black flannel loosely tied around her waist as her hair flows wildly with a touch of natural curl.

"Make sure you wear your ring tonight." Colson tells her as he pecks the top of her head.

"Always do..." Luna gives him a weird look as she tosses up both hands, wiggling her fingers to display each of her beloved rings.

"Fucking better." He taunts her, slapping and jiggling her ass cheek to her pleased giggles as they walk out of the bedroom.

------------------------------------------------

The Agora Ballroom is sold out and jam packed. Colson is putting on a special concert to debut Hotel Diablo in full to ONLY his hometown.

Everyone is there. Colson, Ashleigh and The Boys. Luna, Casie, Pete Ashley, Dom, Sam and Benny. Mod's there, so is Caroline and Noah. Trippie Redd, Naomi Wild and Lil Skies all coming through along with Phem to perform their features. Backstage easily overflowing with artists and friends as Dub and Johnny come trickling in with a few other long time Cleveland friends. Sporadic industry pals making their way around also.

"What's happenin', My Dude?" Colson happily greets his friend with a dap and huge hug.

"Nutten' man... Worken' on the album, taken' care of Baby Girl. You know how it be.... What's poppin' wit 'chu?" Dub asks nodding in Luna's direction.

"You talk to Slim, hunh?" Colson shakes his head with a grin.

"More than your bitch ass." He replies with a joking tone.

Colson can see Luna but with the crowded room it's hard to get her attention. "Thanks Tommy." He thinks, smiling to himself, knowing exactly how to grab her.

"Hold up." He tells Dub before cupping his mouth with is hands and hollering "BROOOOKLYYN!!"

"This man..." Luna's mind laughs as she looks for Colson. Catching his eye quickly, she smiles brightly at him. "FUCK, I love his stupid ass." Her brain continues to tease her as she makes her way towards him.

"What's up, Ya Nut?" She chuckles once she reaches him, standing on her tippy toes to kiss his lowered cheek.

"Kitten, this is one of my bestfriends Dub. Dub-O... My Bitch, Luna fucking Smith." Colson beams with pride as he introduces the two.

"It's so nice to finally meet you! The way Colson talks about you, I feel like I already kinda know you." Luna says warmly as Dub loosely accepts her hug.

"That's funny because he ain't told me shit about you." He answers her with a snide look at Colson.

"Oh. No pleasantries? Straight to the Gate? Aight. What's good?" Luna's tone changes immediately as she pops her chin out with her last words.

Colson starts to laugh when Dub's top lip snarls at her fierce response. Cocky in his own right, Dub doesn't hesitate to hit back.

"You tell me, seems you always got my boy caught up in some shit." He cuts.

"Excuse me?" Luna draws back with her eyebrows furrowed.

"What the fuck you talkin' about Dub-O?" Colson jumps in with a slight attitude, just as confused as Luna.

"The streets speak, Kells." Dub says turning to Colson. "Word is Eminem's gunnen' for you even harder after whatever YOUR bitch pulled in Detroit." He continues as he shoots a glare at Luna.

"Motherfucker, you're out 'chour mind." Luna laughs at him. "And your streets don't know SHI..."

Colson cuts her off before she can finish, questioning his friend "What the FUCK you talken' about, Dawg? Luna held shit down as always and fuck that little bitch ass pussy. Let him come see me. I'll fuck his punk ass up again." Colson spits out.

"Bunny, don't." Luna says as she slips her hand into Colson's, both knowing she's trying to hit that natural anxiety reducer. "Look, I don't know what you heard and honestly, I don't care because it ain't right." She says directly to Dub before looking up at Colson then back at him. "But you better believe..." Luna continues looking straight into Dub's eyes as she points at him with her free finger. "Imma give you a legit reason not to like me if you fuck up his night... Because bestfriends don't do that shit." Luna states coldly before grabbing Colson's chin, planting a solid kiss on the side of his jaw and stalking away.

"WHAT THE FUCK DUB-O?" Colson balks angrily.

"I had to see if she could hang." Dub smirks at Colson bewildered confusion. "Slim said she rides hard for you, I had to see how hard." He laughs lightly with a shrug.

"You're a fucking DickHead." Colson snickers once he realizes what his friends play was. "Yo, you better get correct with her, she ain't nothin' to be fuckin' wit." Colson begins to laugh as he shakes his head.

"I see... Something tells me she can take a joke though." Dub laughs louder with amusement along with his old friend as he Buddy Slaps on the back.

"Actually, her fucked up ass probably would appreciate your stupidity." Colson continues laughing as the two of them turn towards the BackStage madness.

Luna's grooving. She'd love for all of Colson's friends to like her but unlike him, she doesn't give a flying fuck if they do. Honestly, she could give a flying fuck if anyone likes her. The less people that like her, means the less people that she has to unwillingly talk to.

Oddly enough, she's a hypocritical social butterfly. Floating around as she hangs out with their friends and kindly introduces herself to Naomi, Trippie and Lil Skies. Meaningfully gushing and talking to each of them regarding their personal contribution to Hotel Diablo. Going as far to tease Trippie about his Plan B, yeah. She loves the whole album, how could she not express her adoration and appreciation towards their work on it.

"Kitten..." Colson calls for her.

"You're on in 20." Ashleigh says, trying to redirect him.

"Hold on." He says putting up his index finger. "BROOKLYN!!" He says a little louder catching her attention.

"Hmmm?" Luna asks once she reaches him.

"I FUCKING love-LOOOOVE YOU!! He declares as he wraps a long arm around her waist and plunks a heart felt kiss onto her lips.

"Love you, Bunny." Luna giggles in sheer content as she pulls him in for a tight lip lock. "Fuckin' kill 'em." She grins as she squeezes his ass and sends him OnStage.

------------------------------------------------

The Band had been teasing his unknowing fans all throughout June with Sex Drive as they waited for his set to begin. Those who had experienced it, make the connection immediately and are going wild. As Cara's voice floats over top of them, welcoming them to The Hotel Diablo, the venue erupts into an excited explosion.

Colson is electric and in rare form tonight. The success of his album finally sinking in has him running, dancing and jumping like an overexcited puppy.

Luna's SideStage with Casie, Ashley, Pete, Ashleigh, Sam, Dom and a few others kicking out the lyrics to El Diablo as they bounce to the contagious hit. Jumping and pumping their fists as they pass bottles of Jamison and rattle along with Colson.

🎶I KNOW//PEOPLE HATE ME//JUST BY MY APPEARANCE//YOU MOTHERFUCKERS//CAN'T BE SERIOUS//EH🎶

Luna and Ashleigh shout as they bop together and thrust their fists into the air. Dropping their curled hands as they continue spouting about throwing dice and keeping their circle tight. Spinning their fingers in the air as they groove and grin at each other laughing. Pete headlocks Luna making Ashley shove him as AJ opens up with Hollywood Whore. Stopping them all in their tracks as the sweet reminder of Chester radiates through their souls.

Riding the riff side by side, they recite the lyrics alongside Colson. Happily joining them is Mod, Noah, Caroline, Phem, Johnny and Dub. Whose intently watching Luna. There was only a half truth to his rudeness towards her. He don't trust THAT Bitch at all. He also hasn't spoken to Slim in a week either.

As the bass kicks in the group of them slam into each other. Luna holding Casie's hand and protecting her with her body as they continue to sing along and bash into one another. The crowd is insane. Shouting the chorus along with Colson as he raps about two faces trying to fit in to his world when there's no new space while wanting to get him to commit third degree murder. Undercover exposing those who tried to play him like a Hollywood Whore in the City of Danger. Watching Colson rip into his guitar makes Luna's nipples hard as her pussy begins to salivate for him. He's fucking hot. On and off stage.

Colson talks to his family about the relevance of the song as the main chords to Glass House lowly play behind him. He mentions how he misses too many of his friends. Chester, Nipsey, Mac... Too many to list. Luna can hear his voice break slightly as he asks the crowd to sing along with him and Naomi.

Luna doesn't sing. She can't. It's one of the many songs on this album that breaks her heart too much. Holding Casie against her, she wraps her arms around the little girl's shoulders as she tries to hold back her tears. The ballroom is shouting along with Naomi as she begs to be thrown into damn flames and to be buried with gold chains. Luna braces herself and Casie for the most gut wrenching part of the entire album.

🎶Lately//I've been sick of livin'//And nobody knows//How I'm really feelin'//I always hated to smile//But I keep//What is killing me//Hidden inside//I didn't sign up//To be the hero//But I don't want//To wind up a villain//I put my daughter to bed//Then attempted//To kill myself//In the kitchen//Yeah//I should've screamed//But//Nobody listenedSo I passed out//With the blood drippin'//In this glass house//Feelin' like a prison//Me and death//Keep tongue-kissin'//I just fell out//With my lil' bro//The life gettin' to us//The drink gettin' to us//The drugs gettin' to us//It's highway to hell//And everybody knew//What the fuck//Were we doin'?🎶

Colson runs the bars flawlessly. Luna can't help the tears that drop from her eyes as her breath shudders. The truth of his lyrics are too painfully as she holds Casie a little bit tighter. With her mind flashing back to Justin's blank eyes she can't help the range of emotions she feels while thinking of Casie dealing with Colson in the same situation. Luna closes her eyes as she holds the little girl close and wishes for the song to end.

It does. The context of the next song isn't any easier though as Burning Memories kicks in. Colson's words shattering Luna's heart into a million pieces. The recording is nothing compared to his live voice finally asking his mother how she could leave him for another. Luna can only slightly vibe with everyone else as they sing about him dying before he wakes. Lil Skies comes out to the crowd's cheers to ask for Love and Truth before Luna's soul flips with the liquor in her stomach as Colson sings along with his fans about their dark days coming in the summer. Feeling the rumble of their voices, Luna finds it both amazing and soul wrenching that the album only dropped this morning, yet almost the whole venue knows all of it's intimate words.

Ashleigh grabs Luna's loose hand as she watches the blood drain from her face and tears drop from her unknowing eyes. Her touch and Pete's voice asking about More Dracula as him and Colson laugh and recreate the skit OnStage pulls Luna back to her senses.

"You okay?" Ashleigh asks her friend with concern.

"Yeah... It's just harder to hear it live." Luna sighs.

"I know..." Ashleigh squeezes her hand.

The lead up beat to Floor 13 starts flowing through their blood and Luna is quickly out of her wicked head. Smiling at Ashley, they rapid fire the lyrics at each other along with Colson. Luna laughs when he mentions what will happen upon a physical run in and Casie's hands. Rocking her good shoulder into the tiny Baker, Luna grins at her. Shooting finger guns at each other as they let off with her daddy.

🎶I heard that//They call me//Yeeeah//Let 'em in//I got somethin'//For 'em//Yeeeeah//Please forgive my sins//Blood on my//Ralph Laureeen//I can't wash this shit//Wake up//Say//Good morninnnn//Like I forgot🎶

Laughing, Luna swings Casie around from behind after singing the chorus together. Whispering Hotel Diablo along with her ASMR into her ear with a giggle. Casie cheeses while squealing and squirming out of Luna's grasp. Grabbing Pete and Ashleigh's hands as her dad kicks into Roulette.

This is Luna's favorite song on the album. She happily dances, sings and raps along with Noah, Mod, Ashley and everyone else about that Mothafucken' Rida Music. Sliding her thumb along her latest gift, Luna keeps her body rolling as she drags the double X along it's shiny string. Her and Noah grinning at one another as they share another bottle of Jamison and ask the other how many times they're gonna play with death before their 30yrs old. Cause they're chosen.

Things lighten up as The Boys joke around about Baze being Truck Norris. They were so fucked up the night Slim drunkenly tried to compare him to Family Guy skit with Chuck Norris's beard that none of them would have even remembered if it wasn't recorded. It's Benny's laugh that highlights the inside joke placed track, bringing a much needed lightness to the heavy album.

Naomi comes back in as her voice haunts the crowd. Taunting them as she sings about death in her pocket and how she feels so alive. Luna and Casie are holding hands again as they recite the lyrics along with Colson as he reminisces about him and Slim trappen'. Before he can mention his worry about passing down his addictive genes Sam scoops Casie up from behind. With so many people SideStage, this is the first time Sam has been able to make her way over to her smaller friend.

"What up, Homie!!" Sam laughs as she kisses Casie on the side of the cheek.

"SAMMY!!" Casie shouts excitedly as she turns to hug the dark haired drummer.

"I missed YOU!" Sam exclaims as she sprinkles kisses all over Casie's face. "I got you something..." She says as she digs in her pocket.

Candy is floating through the back Luna's mind as she watches Sam present Casie with three small band pins. "Who is this person?" She laughs to herself. "I wonder if this is how it felt with me..." She thinks of how six months ago she wouldn't have touched a child with a 10ft pole but now couldn't imagine not loving Casie. "Life is so fucking weird..."

"Shit Loons, I'm so sorry!" Ashleigh interupts her thoughts. "You're on in like 10 and I know you're not dressed."

"5:3666 is up after this, then me?" Linda asks as she hears Colson's opening chords to I Think I'm Okay.

"Yeeeeah..." Ashleigh answers sheepishly.

"Fuck it, how do I look because I'm not missing this song." Luna grins as she displays herself to Colson's manager.

"Great as always." She sighs out a laugh of honest relief.

"Then let's FUCKING GOOO!!" Luna shouts, grabbing her hand.

Pulling Ashleigh along, she rallies Casie, Sam and Ashley. Easily pushing their way to front right stage. Holding hands, jumping and screaming along with Colson, Dom and their fans, the group of girls rage.

🎶Watch me//Take a good thing//And fuck it all up//In one night//Catch me//I'm the one on the run//Away from the headlights//No sleep//Up all week//Wasting time//With people I don't like//I think//That something's//FUCKING wrong with me🎶

Everyone goes ballistic as Dom sings his solo. The venue is throbbing as they continue to rip through the pop punk song. Dropping their guitars, both boys jump into the ocean of waiting hands as they continue to sing together.

Climbing back OnStage, they grab their guitars again. Finishing out the song with multiple layered, intense GoodNights. The voices singing along with them so powerful, Luna swears she can feel the stage shake.

"Give it up for my brother, YungBlud!!" Colson shouts to the crowd's roars.

Phem joins The Band OnStage. Her moody voice wrapping around Colson's equally dark lyrics perfectly. His EST Fam chanting word for word with him. There is not one person in that building who isn't a Machine Gun Kelly fan. As the song comes to an end the ASMR of Luna and Colson in the studio plays over the speakers, making the walls shake in anticipation.

Dub continues to watch Luna as she swigs the bottle once more before disappearing. Like most people, he's not quite sure what he thinks of her.

------------------------------------------------

"Meh... Ash and Case seem to like her and she definitely ain't a member of The Slut Squad...." Dub thinks to himself while observing Luna. "Maybe she ain't as bad as Slim made her out to be.... She definitely got an attitude." He chuckles to himself. "Kells needs that though. Fuck... I don't know... who am I to judge.... Especially if Case and Ash bang wit her... Guess we just gonna have to see..." Dub decides as he watches Luna head OnStage.

------------------------------------------------

They start off as they have the many times before. Luna opening up delicately at the piano before Colson leads her out and The Boys kick in heavy behind them. Slaying his guitar, he raps about giving one another life while suffocating in the other's kiss. Bouncing around the stage, buzzing and teasing one another while promising each other how they'll want them forever and take them where ever.

🎶I'm just a LunaTic//With her Gunn//When we're together//Bad Things happen//The way you touch me//Is better than ecstasy//When we're not together//I still feel you//Coursing through me🎶

Luna and Colson hit the second chorus again together as Rook slams into his kit and Colson continues to shred his guitar. He tosses it SideStage as he joins her for last few verses. Pulling her in close as their bodies rock together and rush for the other. Grabbing her hand The Band drops away as they harmonize the last lyrics together.

🎶I'm all in//There is no maybe🎶

As they finish, Colson twirls her out. Letting go of her hand, Luna stops. Drops her head back with her arms at different angles and pops one knee. The response to their performance is volcanic. The crowd erupting for an ENCORE as the lights begin to go down.

Colson can't hear them, just his one thought. "I am going to FUCK the shit outta her..." His mouth salivating as he scoops her up to invade her willing mouth.

"You're so fucking hot." He pants as he continues to kiss her. "I wanna run an encore for El Diablo. What do you think? We'll get everybody OnStage?"

"Fuck YEAH!" Luna agrees kissing him back. "You tell The Boys, I'll grab everyone else." She grins.

"I fucking LOVE YOU." Colson tells her with a light laugh as he kisses her once more before they seperate for their missions.

-------------------------------------------------

Word Limit 1 of 2

To be continued....

[preface2adreamplay]

Under Your Spell (Part 21) - Let Me Twist It A Little Deeper

Summary: A Jared Padalecki/OFC /Oscar Isaac fiction.

Stef is not having the best weekend at the con.

Chapter warnings: Flirting, swearing, infidelity. masturbation, angst. 

Chapter WC: 3,554

Everything was packed and ready to go. Stef lay in bed, unable to switch off the noise of the day.

‘Come on, Stef, go asleep,’ she told herself. Pushing off the covers and pulling them back on again. Tossing and turning didn’t cover how much she had moved around. 

Finally, she gave up. Grabbing her phone from her bedside table. 4am. 

Claire was staying with Richard. Jared was with his family and who knows where Oscar was. 

She scrolled through insta for a while, seeing all the photos fans had shared from the previous day. A headache was forming behind her eyes, it was gonna be one of the bad ones, she knew. 

‘Fucking sleep!’ Stef cursed. Only one thing left to try. Reaching down under the sheets, Stef rolled her fingers around her clit, the first thought that came to her mind was Jared on stage, smiling and joking. The next thought was him shirtless, the last time he was in her bedroom, jeans hanging low on his hips, arm muscles bulging while he fished around on the floor for his clothes. 

Breathing out a soft groan, Stef continued, fingers finding her opening hot and wet. She slid inside, one finger. Jared breathing on her neck, sucking soft kisses against her jaw, his voice in her ear, ‘c’mon Stef, give it to me.’ 

It was a phrase he liked to use when he was in a playful mood, she would relinquish control of her pleasure to him. When he took control of her, his hands, his mouth, his voice would be everywhere, all over her. His mouth humming against her in the most delicious way. And she would ride waves of pleasure. 

Stef felt her walls contracting around her finger, her body trembling and finally stilled as she drifted into a disturbed and dream filled sleep.

Oscar had taken her by the hand, dragging her through the crowds, ‘look at them!’ he kept yelling over his shoulder. ‘Let go of me, I can’t go with you.’ Stef tried to twist her arm from his grip. They stopped at the stage where the Q&A had been. Jared sat with his wife in his lap, giggling with her between kisses. Instant fiery hot jealousy raged through her. ‘Look at them!’ Oscar said again. His dark eyes on the couple that were wrapped up in each other. Stef drew her gaze away, unable to look at them any longer. Oscar didn’t flinch when Stef waved her hand in front of his face, he was in a daze, his mouth open in a soft smile. ‘Help me get away.’ Stef shouted. Jared started, seeing Stef below him. ‘No wait, come back.’ He begged. 

Stef was running, the carpet beneath her bare feet was turning into steps too high for her to climb, she couldn’t run hard enough to get away. An arm caught her as she tumbled. 

Stef couldn’t hold back her tears, burying her face in the chest of the man holding her up. 

Stef woke suddenly, throwing the blankets away. Running her hands down her face, she glanced at herself in the mirror across the room. She was perspiring, hair was clinging to her neck. ‘What the actual fuck?’ 

Stef didn’t dream much, but that one made her feel sick to her stomach.

Wiping the bathroom mirror clean after a hotter than hell shower, Stef looked at her face, wanting the woman looking back at her to settle her nerves, tell her she wasn’t being an idiot, it went with the territory. 

Why are you really fucking surprised, was all she said. 

Stef sat on the side of the bath tub and cried. 

Claire had done her best to make up for not being around. When she finally got around to coming back to the hotel room they were sharing, Stef was dressed and fresh faced.

‘Did you sleep?’ Claire rummaged through her bag looking for clean clothes.

‘Not much. I bet it’s pointless to ask if you got sleep last night.’ Stef winked seeing Claire trying to hide a coy smile.

‘I have to shower but then we are definitely having breakfast. There is a thing on later that I wanna check out but I’ll be back before lunch and then we can head back to the airport, k?’ 

Claire was being overly nice, her voice raising a little higher with every sentence.

‘Richard wouldn’t happen to be doing the thing you’re interested in, is he?’ Stef finished applying a second layer of mascara. 

‘Maybe,’ Claire elongated the word, disappearing into the bathroom.

Stef’s phone beeped. Picking it up she saw a message from Jared.

Jared: Good morning sweet thang. x

Stef put the phone back down and checked herself in the mirror. Heaving a sigh, she gathered herself, put on a smile and bent to put on her Nike’s. There would be more walking today, it called for comfortable footwear. Her jeans were loose around her waist, she hadn’t realised she had lost some weight. Not too much to be noticeable she thought. 

Claire was singing in the shower. Stef chuckled, hearing it was one of her older songs, Claire loved the band Stef was taking a break from.

Shit, she thought, remembering one of the members had called her a couple of days previous to ask when she was available to meet up.

Every year or so they would meet, see what was going on with each other and decide if they would do new music or not. 

Hitting the call button, her old friend answered straight away.

‘Hey, Stef! How are you?’

‘Sorry I kinda forgot to call you back, Nik, I’m in Toronto right now.’

‘Yeah, I was talking to Oscar yesterday he told me he ran into you over there. Having fun?’

‘The most fun,’ she lied. 

‘We are meeting Friday night at that bar you hate.’ Nik blew smoke down the phone. Stef knew the sounds of him inhaling and exhaling like his life depended on that one cigarette.

‘I’ll be there.’

‘Great!’ He did sound excited. Stef smiled, excited to catch up with them.

‘Gotta go, I’ll get the details from you during the week.’

‘For sure. Later, Stef.’

‘Was that Jared?’ Claire peeked out from behind the bathroom door, steam billowing behind her. Strands of dark red hair plastered against her face.

‘Nah. Nik. Band meeting.’

‘Oh,’ Claire seemed a little disappointed. ‘Will you see Jared before we leave?’ Her voice kept on the side of casual/hopeful instead of the misery Stef felt creeping into her bones.  

‘I’d like to think so, but, with his family showing up I don’t know if he can get away.’

Stef didn’t have to hear Claire tutting from the bathroom to know how she felt about it. 

Stef looked at her phone as it pinged again. 

Jared had sent a very close up selfie. Laughing, she replied.

Stef: Good morning, Jared. How are you today?

Jared: Tired. Glad this con is almost over. Photo ops at 12, you gonna be around?

Stef: Yep, can swing by before we leave. 

Jared replied with a few celebratory emojis. 

‘Claire, come on, I’m hungry.’

‘Go down without me, I’ll be right behind you.’ Claire was brushing her teeth furiously.

Ok, Stef shrugged.

Filling her plate with as much food as possible, Stef was trying to figure out how to use the coffee machine when someone brushed past her, nudging her elbow, sending a piece of toast sliding off into the mug she had managed to fill with a watery mix of milk and coffee.

‘Sorry,’ a soft voice came. Stef turned to say it was cool when she met the woman’s eyes. 

‘It-it’s fine,’ Stef stammered, her eyes glued to the beautiful brown eyes staring up at her. It was Jared’s wife.

Fuck, Stef thought. 

‘You’re uhm, you’re…’ Gen tried to find a way to say her name without owning that this was the woman her husband was fucking. 

‘Yeah,’ was all Stef managed to say. 

‘Well, you’ve made him a happier man. When he comes home to us.’ Gen said graciously, putting a hand on the shoulder of a boy standing next to her, gaping up at Stef.

He had Jered’s eyes and my god, he had Jared’s hair. Stef swallowed hard, what could she say to that?

’Nice to meet you, anyway.’ 

Gen gave Stef a smile and taking her son by the hand, led him away. Stef closed her eyes, her mouth dry like a fucking desert. Suddenly, the coffee didn’t seem so important. But, there was a queue building up behind her.

‘Go ahead, I can’t seem to work it,’ Stef moved away from the person waiting patiently next to her. Rubbing her nose with her hand, she cleared her throat, not sure where to look or what to do. Fearful of moving her eyes across the room in case she were to see Jared’s family again or worse, Jared himself. She couldn’t face him now. 

Claire arrived, hair swinging, bosom bouncing, a huge grin on her face. ‘Hey did you get me coffee?’ 

Her smile turned to a horrified look, ‘you ok?’ Rubbing Stef’s shoulder. ‘You gonna puke?’

‘Maybe,’ Stef replied, ‘Can we grab a seat?’

Finding a small table hidden behind a huge, ugly plant, Stef told Claire what had just happened.

‘So she thanked you for sleeping with her husband? She’s a better woman than I would be.’

‘Claire!’ Stef pinched the bridge of her nose, the toast on her plate now finding its way to Claire’s mouth.

‘What?’ the redhead replied, ‘She could have ignored you, or punched you, or made a scene, but she didn’t. Sounds like she was just as shocked to bump into you.’

Stef nodded, her brow furrowed. ‘My life is not normal. This is getting awkward.’

‘This is probably the only time you will ever meet her or even see her, just chill.’

Stef blew out a breath, rubbing her sweaty hands against her jeans. 

‘I’m gonna get you a coffee and a chocolate croissant, then we can go see Richard. He will make you laugh and forget your troubles.’

Stef groaned.

‘Now that was my attitude when I first came to the con, you changed my mind. C’mon.’

‘Is it bad that I want a Margarita for breakfast?’

‘Yes, it is, this situation is not that bad.’

***

Claire hadn’t let Stef hide away in the room, which was a good thing. The convention was so big, the chances of her running into Gen again were slim, but Stef kept looking over her shoulder anyway. She regretted agreeing to see Jared at the photo op’s, but bit the bullet - well, asking Richard to scope out the room first and waiting for him to come back and confirm it was mostly Padalecki-free. 

Stef had never seen this section of a convention before, people lining up to take silly/well thought out pictures with Jared and Jensen. 

Jensen smiled and nodded when he saw Stef waiting off to the side. He leaned in to say something to Jared, who turned his head so quickly in her direction, his hair flipped into Jensen’s face, hitting his friend in the eye. The people close enough to see roared with laughter. Jared was falling over himself apologising to Jensen, clapping him on the back with his huge hand, winking over at Stef. 

‘I see why you like him,’ the familiar voice next to her made her smile. ’Tall, handsome, funny. I’d hit it.’

‘Oscar,’ Stef scolded softly. He was alone, standing with his hands in his pockets.

‘Where’s your date?’

Oscar made a dismissive sound, ’She bounced, I’m really good at making people feel unwanted, apparently. It’s a talent, it would seem.’

‘She left?’ Stef shook her head, laughing. 

‘Yes, she did. She said I wasn’t emotionally available.’ Leaning in so that only Stef would hear. ‘I’m kinda glad, she was jealous about everything.’

‘You’re not into chicks that are fawning over you?’ Stef bit her lower lip.

‘Nah, maybe I just didn’t like her.’

‘You heading home today?’ 

‘Yeah, you?’

‘You don’t sound excited.’ Stef was watching a couple set up their photo, within seconds their experience was over. A fleeting moment that would stay with them forever. 

Jared made eye contact with her and pulled one side of his mouth into a grin, looking over Oscar quickly and greeting the next in line. 

‘Want me to get out of your hair?’ Oscar murmured. 

‘No,’ Stef hooked her arm into his, changing the direction so she was walking away from Jared’s line of sight.

‘We haven’t had time to hang much at all.’

‘You want to hang with me?’ 

‘Yeah.’ Stef squeezed his arm. Oscar’s chest puffed out a little. 

‘What’ll we do then.’

‘I saw a stall with some stuff that had your Star Wars guy, Darius specifically requested something with your face on it.’

Pushing his tongue between his teeth, Oscar threw his head back to laugh. 

‘Why the fuck not, let’s buy my own merchandise.’

***

Jared: Where did you go? Photo ops just done.

Stef: Just grabbing a drink, you want one?

Jared: I’ll meet you in the bar, I’ll be about 5 minutes.

‘Is that him?’ Oscar eyed her over his drink, taking a long gulp and sighing. 

‘Yes, he’ll be down here in a few minutes.’ Stef put a hand on his arm. He had rolled up his shirt sleeves. One fist resting on his hip and he cocked an eyebrow, glancing around the room, he looked too hot. Stef had to check herself.

‘Why are you looking at me like that?’ He said, not looking at her, his eyes resting on a pair of blondes sitting at the opposite end of the bar.

‘Like what? I don’t want you to go if that’s what you mean.’ Stef pouted.

‘No, you’re looking at me like I’m lunch.’

Stef opened her mouth to laugh, involuntarily spitting her drink across his lap.

‘Oh shit, I’m so sorry.’

Oscar brushed the droplets away, laughing too much to form a coherent sentence. ‘I didn’t think it would have that effect.’

Wiping her chin with a napkin, she eyed him curiously.’ What kind of reaction did you think you would get?’

‘I dunno, I thought it might make you argue with me.’

‘You want an argument?’ 

’Nah, I just wanted to wind you up a little before your dude gets here.’

‘My dude, as you say, is already here.’ Stef raised her eyebrows in greeting as Jared made his way toward them. Oscar turned his head, not bothering to adjust how he was sitting, legs splayed open, knees on the outside of Stef’s, keeping her sitting in place at the bar. 

‘Hey,’ Jared said softly, tucking hair behind his ear. 

‘Hi,’ Stef grinned up at him. He was nervous, shifty. 

‘I guess I should formally introduce you both.’

They did that thing that men do when they don’t think women notice, they were eyeing each other, sizing each other up. Shaking hands and making pleasantries. Neither spoke, waiting for Stef to break the ice.

‘We will be leaving after lunch.’

‘Isn’t lunch, like, right now.’ Jared checked his watch.

‘Shit it is. Where the hell is Claire??’ Stef reached into her bag and checked her phone. No messages. Typical.

‘I cannot trust that woman around Richard, my god!’ Stef huffed, pressing the call button and listening to the tone on the other end, knowing Claire wouldn’t be picking up.

‘She could be back in the room.’

Oscar was half grinning, a knowing look on his face. ‘Better go check, you don’t wanna miss your flight again.’

‘Again?’ Jared was looking incredibly awkward now. 

‘Oh, Claire has made Effie miss a couple of flights over the years. She almost missed a video shoot her band was doing in Italy.’ 

‘Oh don’t remind me, that woman causes me stress I could do without.’ Giving up on the idea of Claire picking up her damn phone.

‘I gotta head back up to the room anyway, we will be leaving soon too.’ 

Jared put a hand gently on Stef’s elbow, hoping to get her up off her seat and away from Oscar. 

‘Yeah I’ll walk with you,’ turning to Oscar, placing a beer mat on top of her glass. ‘Mind my spot for a few minutes?’ 

Oscar nodded, turning his attention back to the blondes at the bar.

‘Nice to meet you, man.’ Jared offered Oscar his hand, the shorter man taking it, ‘You too, finally.’ Oscar winked at Stef as she walked away.

Stepping into the elevator, they were finally alone. Jared grabbed her waist, drawing her to him. ‘Damn, I’ve wanted to kiss you all fucking day.’ His teeth were nipping at her lips, teasing. Stef stood on her tip toes, trying to reach his mouth. ‘Kiss me then.’

Jared groaned when their lips met. It wasn’t long enough. The doors were opening on her floor. He took her hand in his, leading her down the hall. Stef was looking down at her small hand wrapped in his. ‘That ok?’ He squeezed her fingers.

‘Yeah, just surprising.’ 

Jared shrugged, stepping behind her as she slid the key card into the hotel room door. They were greeted with two naked bodies writhing on the bed. 

‘Oh god!’ Stef covered her face, unable to tear her eyes away from Richard’s naked ass bouncing as he pummelled into Claire.

Pulling the door closed with a bang, she covered her face, eyes wide. ‘How can I un see that?’ She gasped, laughing so much she thought she would puke.

Jared was on his knees, unable to speak. 

It took a few minutes for them to calm down, Richard’s frantic cries of ‘are you guys still out there?’ made the situation worse. Neither Stef nor Jared could answer him.

Jared had managed to drop his gum onto the carpet, causing him to laugh even more.

‘Don’t put that back in your mouth.’ 

‘That’s what she said.’

‘Oh Jared, please stop, I’m in pain from laughing.’

A large hand was on her back, her face was suddenly crushed into his chest. He was gasping for air like he had run a race. 

‘Well that’s put a good ending to a rough weekend.’ Jared was wiping tears from his eyes.

Stef remembered running into Gen earlier in the day, her stomach twisting with guilt. Or maybe it was jealousy. Or a sickening mixture of both.

Swallowing, she looked up at Jared.

‘What’s up, babe?’ 

‘Nothing.’ She lied, kissing him gently on the mouth.

‘You sure?’

‘Yeah, I’ll just miss you is all.’

‘You have good company downstairs, Oscar is keeping your seat for you at the bar.’

‘Jared…’ Stef wanted to explain what had happened earlier, but he cut her off with another kiss.

‘I’ll call you tomorrow, I’ll be back home. After the kids go to bed. Sound good?’

’Sounds good.’ Stef agreed, unable to hide the disappointment in her eyes at how this weekend had panned out. 

Richard opened the door, having dressed himself in a hurry. ‘Come on, man.’ he said to Jared, pushing past them, his cheeks flushed, hair tossed from Claire’s fingers. 

‘Gotta go.’ Jared kissed her quick and left, following Richard down the hall. 

Stef stuck her head in the door, ‘you decent?’

‘Doesn’t matter, you saw everything just now.’ Claire wasn’t half as bashful as Richard. 

‘Oscar is waiting for me at the bar. Meet us down there?’

‘Let me just fix my sex hair and I’ll be down.’

When Stef made it back down to the bar, she saw Oscar talking to a woman. She was hitting his arm and laughing. It was fake. Everything about her was. You can spot when someone wants someone because of their fame, and this was one of those vacuous women.

Stef put her arm between them to get her drink. ‘Oh hey, you’re back.’ Oscar looked happy at her reappearance. 

She was one of the blondes he had been ogling. His face said ‘please help.’ And while Stef would usually have left him to it, she decided on this occasion to do a good deed. 

’I’m Stef,’ she said, sticking her hand out for the stranger, who took it, gingerly.

‘Sorry, are you with him?’ She asked, pointing a talon at Oscar’s chest.

‘Yeah,’ Stef said simply.

The blonde looked her up and down, taking in the old Nike’s, loose jeans and band t-shirt. 

‘Call me,’ she mouthed to Oscar, swaying back toward her friend. 

‘Do not call her.’ Stef warned, sliding back onto the barstool, her legs fitting snuggly between Oscar’s again.

‘Just filling the time til you came back,’ Oscar sighed, leaning his torso toward her.

‘You look flushed, what’s up.’

‘I just caught Claire and Richard fucking.’ Stef looked at him, wide eyed and excited. 

Oscar put a hand over his mouth, his nose scrunched up as he laughed. ‘No fucking way.’

Stef finished off her beer in one gulp. ‘Buy me another one and I’ll describe Richard’s ass to you.’

‘Oh fuck, please don’t. But, I’ll definitely buy you another drink.’ Oscar winked, turning to grab the barman’s attention.

Butterflies. He had given her butterflies with that look.

Fuck, she thought

[scribbles5thm]

It's weird how the closer you are to an issue the more it makes you want to fix it.

Like, being black and a woman, don't get me started about cops, guns, drugs, the government, prison, forced sterilization, etc. The list goes on.

I'm bi. My hubs is bi. My sister is bi. My brother is gay. My cousin is bi. We're a very queer family and my momma raised me on "The Birdcage" and Nathan Lane so coming out wasn't no thang to her (I don't think my brother ever actually came out. It was one of those situations where it was like "how could you think I'm not gay?"). I digress.

Trans rights has always been on my radar, especially in the black community. I don't know what it's like to be trans. I can't imagine what that feels like. I'm pretty solidly cis. But trans people are 100% entitled to feel the way they feel, and for motherfuckers who are like "but science" fuck you and science is on their side anyway, you're the dumbass. Until this year, I did not know any trans people.

And then a kid joined the dance studio where I work.

I met him as (pseudonym) Jennifer. Awesome dancer, 10-years-old, taking prepointe, in level 4 jazz/lyrical, just a fucking star. Four or five months after joining his mom comes to us and says "Jennifer just came out to me as saying they're a boy."

Because I work at God's gift to dancers, my boss was like "Dope. What does he need from us because he's too good of a dancer to quit and if anyone gives him a hard time while he's transitioning then they can fuck right off out my studio." (She didn't say it like that, but my boss is really that bitch and that was her policy about being a transphobe in her studio).

We got him new costumes one month before recital. We didn't make a big announcement. He just came into the studio one day with his hair chopped off, dressed more masculine and his name was Jason and children are smart enough to figure it out (and they did and most of them could give two shits about Jason being trans. They just wanna dance and are actually pleased that they finally have a boy in upper level jazz/lyrical/ballet classes because that shit is rare).

My boss had to train herself on using nongendered language (instead "listen up girls" going to just "hey listen up" and the like) and then making a point to (privately, in the beginning) apologize for misgendering him if she did make a mistake.

And now that I've met Jason (he's a fucking weeb who loves MHA and BTS so of course he has my heart) and hear about his struggles but watch him dance happily and live his best life out on that dance floor, I am more prepared than ever to, like, fight every single human being on the planet who is a transphobe. Because sometimes you gotta make it personal.

There was this movie from the 2000s called "The Core" where Earth's core was out of wack and the planet would die if they didn't drop a bunch of nuclear bombs into it or some bullshit. BUT there was this guy in the mission to Earth's core. One guy asked him "How do you handle trying to save the whole world?" And homeboy replied "I'm not trying to save the whole world. I'm just trying to save them." Them being his wife and 2 daughters.

And there are so many trans people out there and how do you protect every single one of them? That seems so huge and impossible. BUT if you go out and you're like "I'm here for an 11-year-old dancer named Jason and you will respect his rights" it somehow makes it less overwhelming. Like, idk. I know a handful of enby people who've come out and transitioned as adults, but this little boy at 10-years-old came out and like, maybe it's just because I'm a mom, but I would fight to the death for him and every kid like him.

I don't think it's wrong that we feel closer to issues that are deeply personal to us. Of course we do. Imma trash talk your racist grandma all day long because I'm black and I don't roll that way. Imma throw glitter at every homophobe out there for me and gay af family. I'm gonna say "fuck the police" at Christmas even though my auntie is a cop. Those things are like a reflex.

But I think sometimes we have to be shown why it's important. It's not just my friends in their late 20s who know how to navigate the world safely coming out and transitioning. There are fucking babies out here who just want to be themselves and don't know yet how vile this world is. And I want to make it less vile for my trans babies.

I am a (tipsy and sleepy) Cis woman, so taking what I say and brushing it off as the rambling of a crazy person (I'm also medically a lil bit crazy) would not be offensive to me.

But like, I watched Jason go from being this shy, quiet kid called Jennifer to the laughing, happy, outgoing Jason and I want every trans child out there to have a safe space like we have for him. I want every trans kid out there to fucking flourish because so many don't get that chance. And sometimes you don't even think about a marginalized within a marginalized group until they're right in your face.

So I'mma go to bed. I'm gonna see Jason tomorrow and he's gonna tell me how his day was before he goes to class like he always does and I'm gonna remember why TF I make a point to, at the very least, put my fucking pronouns on my page, so I can try to normalize things like that for him. Maybe I’m a fucking snowflake who wants everyone to have safe space, yes the fuck I am i don’t give two shits.

Thanks for coming to my drunk TED Talk.

[ua-himiko]

x9.18

@ua-touya 12:42 PM

damn, you hero school brats really are sure of yourself, huh?

ua-himiko 12:44 PM

you have no right to try and look down on us when you cant even take five minutes out of your busy schedule to help someone who is supposed to be your FRIEND

ua-touya 12:45 PM

listen, if i could have helped you, i wouldve, alright?

ua-himiko 12:45 PM

whatever

ua-touya 12:46 PM

yeah, whatever.

@ua-todoroki 4:14 PM

Wtf.

ua-himiko 4:15 PM

what

ua-todoroki 4:15 PM

Who are you.

@ua-chargebolt  4:15 PM

What just... happened?

ua-himiko 4:16 PM

lol ypu

ua-todoroki 4:16 PM

Great answer.

@ua-stopwatch 4:16 PM

lots of things happened, kaminari

ua-himiko 4:16 PM

ew ur back

my names miko who r u

ua-todoroki 4:17 PM

Todoroki Shouto.

ua-himiko 4:17 PM

wha,,,

real funny haha joke but like actually tho..

ua-chargebolt  4:17 PM

Well. I figured that, ,Damien... I mean.... new people now? What's goin on?

ua-todoroki 4:17 PM

...?

Yeah.

That's who I am.

ua-stopwatch 4:18 PM

she waltzed in the chat and started degrading people last night.

ua-chargebolt  4:18 PM

Huh.

ua-himiko 4:18 PM

lol bro... i get it ur edgey lulz but lykeeee im not falling for that i wasnt born yesterday

ua-todoroki 4:18 PM

?????

ua-chargebolt  4:18 PM

Who... are you?

ua-stopwatch 4:19 PM

..

ua-himiko 4:19 PM

:/ i just said my name was miko... do i need 2 go full name or what

ua-todoroki 4:19 PM

[pic of his ID]

ua-stopwatch 4:19 PM

please. If you don't mind.

ua-chargebolt  4:19 PM

lol, Miko, sounds like the main character for some anime-

ua-himiko 4:19 PM

uh real cool prop i guess I LUV ANIME xD

ua-todoroki 4:20 PM

Wtf.

:/.

ua-himiko 4:20 PM

its a cute nickname tho rite???? lololol but yea its short for toga himiko yeah

ok i showed u mine now show me urs edgey weirdo cuz im not fallin for this troll attempt rite here

ua-chargebolt  4:21 PM

Why's that name ring a bell...

ua-stopwatch 4:21 PM

it does. Doesn't it.

ua-chargebolt  4:21 PM

What's the big deal tho, he already said his name...

ua-himiko 4:21 PM

eh i was on the news once it aint no thang we dont talk about that lol

ua-todoroki 4:21 PM

I already told you.

ua-chargebolt  4:21 PM

lol

ua-himiko 4:21 PM

bro...

ua-stopwatch 4:21 PM

Miko, what's your quirk if you don't mind my asking

ua-chargebolt  4:21 PM

I'm Kaminari Denki btw but like

what's the hangup about Shouteroki's name?

ua-himiko 4:22 PM

:/... its called TRANSFORM idk why that matters tho

ua-chargebolt  4:22 PM

are you a transformer

ua-himiko 4:23 PM

cuz like??????????? todoroki shoutos been dead for like half a decade or whatever so pretending 2 be some famous dead kid is fuckin weird and dumb like... hello

ua-touya 4:23 PM

what

ua-himiko 4:23 PM

eveyrone knows that its not new info

ua-todoroki 4:23 PM

What.

ua-stopwatch 4:23 PM

..what

ua-chargebolt  4:23 PM

HAH??????

ua-himiko 4:23 PM

????????????????????

ua-stopwatch 4:23 PM

he's not-

ua-touya 4:23 PM

what do you mean he died? how?

ua-stopwatch 4:23 PM

..y'know what...she might be one of the alternates

ua-chargebolt  4:23 PM

lol what kinda AU is this

ua-todoroki 4:23 PM

What the fuck.

ua-himiko 4:24 PM

like it was a while ago but like everyone knows about this so wtf :////

ua-chargebolt  4:24 PM

You uh... a zomble there Todo?

ua-stopwatch 4:24 PM

Miko, I can assure you, that this todoroki isn't dead

ua-chargebolt  4:24 PM

Physically anyway

ua-todoroki 4:24 PM

What the fuck.

ua-stopwatch 4:24 PM

like I said. Maybe an alternate?

ua-himiko 4:24 PM

alternate of what

p-mina 4:24 PM

oooh!!!! Like me!!!!

ua-stopwatch 4:24 PM

have you heard of the multiverse theory?

ua-himiko 4:25 PM

it was like a biiiiiiiig case his mom like went crazy and off'd him like bruh

ua-chargebolt  4:25 PM

W H A T

ua-himiko 4:25 PM

the what

ua-touya 4:25 PM

she what??

ua-himiko 4:25 PM

?????? hello

ua-chargebolt  4:25 PM

WHOMST?

ua-stopwatch 4:25 PM

the multiverse theory.

p-mina 4:25 PM

D:

ua-stopwatch 4:25 PM

or rather, the string theory

ua-todoroki 4:25 PM

...

ua-himiko 4:25 PM

fuckin google it oh my god cmon its like

h/o i'll just get an article this is so dumb

ua-chargebolt  4:25 PM

YOU google it...

ua-touya 4:26 PM

there's not going to be an article, batsy

ua-himiko 4:26 PM

dont rush me omg im working on it...

ua-todoroki 4:26 PM

Who.

ua-stopwatch 4:26 PM

in our string of the multiverse, todoroki isn't dead.

ua-todoroki 4:26 PM

Wait.

Wait.

ua-himiko 4:26 PM

u keep sayin multiverse like i kno wtf that is i dont even watch scifi im not a nerd

ua-chargebolt  4:27 PM

There's like multiples of... us

ua-himiko 4:27 PM

nothing is coming up ugh fuck u google

ua-stopwatch 4:27 PM

because in this universe, he's alive.

ua-todoroki 4:27 PM

[Todoroki is offline]

ua-chargebolt  4:27 PM

I mean, have you noticed anything else strange to you lately, Miko?

ua-himiko 4:27 PM

ur fuckin with me lol 'this universe'

ua-stopwatch 4:27 PM

no I'm not. I don't "fuck" with people.

ua-himiko 4:27 PM

not rly????????? kind of been busy havin the worst day evar actually

@ua-syren 4:28 PM

[iris is online]

is she gone yet?

ua-chargebolt  4:29 PM

Who?

ua-syren 4:29 PM

that other toga.

I blocked her so I can't tell

ua-himiko 4:30 PM

who what? oh fuck i cant see whats getting sent thats lame

tell whoever she better not be talkin SHIT

ua-chargebolt  4:30 PM

Chillllllll, Mi-channnnn~

ua-syren 4:31 PM

..you're friends with her now aren't you

ua-stopwatch 4:31 PM

it seems so, cohen

ua-touya 4:31 PM

jeez.. you kids really know how to attract drama, huh?

ua-himiko 4:31 PM

michan ^w^

ua-syren 4:31 PM

and who're you?

ua-himiko 4:31 PM

fuckin shut up bitch go away

ua-touya 4:31 PM

me?

ua-syren 4:32 PM

yes you.

ua-touya 4:32 PM

what's it matter to ya, kiddo?

ua-himiko 4:32 PM

lulz i like how poseroki stopped talking once i outed him on his sherade lol

knew he was full of shit

ua-touya 4:33 PM

i doubt he was faking

ua-himiko 4:33 PM

i wasnt askin U bitch

ua-chargebolt 4:33 PM

Who are you, tho?

@ua-kuroiro 4:33 PM

He's not faking, we go to school together

ua-syren 4:33 PM

don't call me that.

ua-himiko 4:33 PM

anyway real talk thats an important part of hero history you guys should reeeeeally know that if you're trying to be heroes....

ua-kuroiro 4:34 PM

I just saw him this morning

@ua-redriot 4:34 PM

hes a pretty cool guy!! Pretty sure hes still alive!

@ua-sakku 4:34 PM

Oh...is the new person a senpai?

ua-kuroiro 4:34 PM

He hangs out with monoma.

ua-syren 4:34 PM

no.

ua-himiko 4:34 PM

:/

ua-chargebolt 4:34 PM

He's definitely alive. Lil dead on the inside maybe but like.... maybe we all are at this stage so, valid

ua-touya 4:34 PM

seriously, why are you kids so curious about me anyways?

ua-syren 4:35 PM

because we don't know you.

ua-sakku 4:35 PM

Oh wait two people.

ua-himiko 4:35 PM

hes a loser forget him

ua-sakku 4:35 PM

wild.

ua-himiko 4:35 PM

he shouldnt even be here anyway go get some actual friends hoe

ua-sakku 4:35 PM

Woah, Miko is cool.

ua-touya 4:35 PM

im not surprised you dont know me...

ua-chargebolt 4:35 PM

Why're you so mad at him? What he do?

ua-kuroiro 4:35 PM

His friend isnt here right now.

ua-syren 4:36 PM

of course we don't know you. Are you going to tell us or no?

ua-kuroiro 4:36 PM

Well, one of them

ua-touya 4:36 PM

touya todoroki.

ua-himiko 4:36 PM

i licherally called him ALL NITE cuz i was like stranded in the middle of the road and he completely ghosted me out of NOWHERE like a bitch and then denied it all morning and tried to act like we werent friends so i GUESS we're not FRIENDS ANYMORE

ua-syren 4:36 PM

..

ua-chargebolt 4:36 PM

Touya what now?

I'm so confuuuuuuused right noowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

ua-todoroki 4:37 PM

[Todoroki is online]

..

ua-himiko 4:37 PM

which is why its a LITTLE FUNNY that ur sititng here defending ppl licherally trying to rp as your brooooooooooooooooooooo when im licherally rite here like honestly if hes just paying u guys to mess with me its a low fxckin blow

ua-todoroki 4:37 PM

You're not Touya.

ua-chargebolt 4:37 PM

Who TF is Touy--

Oh hey Shouteroki.... you OK?

ua-todoroki 4:37 PM

I don't know.

ua-himiko 4:38 PM

real talk im about to f x c k i n scream if you all dont stop MESSING with me GOD

ua-syren 4:38 PM

...I'm gonna believe Todo for now..

ua-himiko 4:39 PM

making me feel like im goin fucking crazy its rly not funny i hate this

ua-todoroki 4:39 PM

Touya's been gone for years. Idk. There's rumors he killed himself.

ua-himiko 4:39 PM

??????????????????????

ua-syren 4:39 PM

...

ua-touya 4:39 PM

ah, i was wondering about that...

ua-todoroki 4:39 PM

...

ua-himiko 4:39 PM

...

ua-chargebolt 4:39 PM

Michannnnn.... seriously, it seems liek you're from another universe...

ua-todoroki 4:39 PM

What's going on.

ua-kuroiro 4:39 PM

This shit's a lot, I'm gonna go spend time with my lizard.

ua-himiko 4:39 PM

but that makes no sense...

ua-syren 4:39 PM

the multiverse is back at it

ua-chargebolt 4:39 PM

You'renot crazy but damn this is

ua-kuroiro 4:40 PM

[Kuroiro is offline]

ua-stopwatch 4:40 PM

as Cohen said. Multiverse.

ua-chargebolt 4:41 PM

We've met alternates before....

@ua-ryuu 4:41 PM

whats going on

ua-redriot 4:41 PM

so you're both from a different universal ?

ua-chargebolt 4:41 PM

Like there's a version of me without a quirk and is in college...

ua-stopwatch 4:41 PM

ry. Have you heard of the multiverse theory?

ua-himiko 4:41 PM

this is unbelievable...

ua-ryuu 4:41 PM

yeah of course

ua-chargebolt 4:41 PM

Which means you're a version of someone we have here.... ig

ua-redriot 4:42 PM

..yeah

ua-stopwatch 4:42 PM

basically. It's not exactly a theory anymore.

It's fact. And our portion seems to be like the..middle ground of them all

ua-ryuu 4:42 PM

Ahhh

ua-chargebolt 4:42 PM

LIKE MIDGARD, OOH!

ua-touya 4:42 PM

well, the version of me from here is dead, obviously

ua-ryuu 4:42 PM

I was reading back, somthing about Todoroki-Sensei?

ua-himiko 4:43 PM

so ur gonna seriously act like this is a real thing, touya???

ua-stopwatch 4:43 PM

these new people are not from out universe. They're from another part of the multiverse respectively.

ua-ryuu 4:43 PM

Huh. Cool. If they weren't so mean I might talk to them more. @ua-himiko  see I can @ bitches

ua-touya 4:44 PM

it's not the worst thing to believe, i guess

ua-himiko 4:44 PM

fuckin congrats dipshit

ua-chargebolt 4:44 PM

I guess that makes Michan outta this world? 😜 👉👉

@p-ashido 4:44 PM

you're like me!!!!! That's so cool!!!!

ua-chargebolt 4:44 PM

haha...

ua-himiko 4:44 PM

this is so stupid...

ua-redriot 4:44 PM

this is so COOL

p-mina 4:44 PM

Do you wanna be friends? O:

ua-touya 4:44 PM

sounds like one of shimura's video games, but really it's not that hard to see...

ua-stopwatch 4:45 PM

...this chat is causing a major headache...

ua-himiko 4:45 PM

ten's video games are fucking stupid tho

no i dont wanna be friends with ANY of you cuz you're all dumb weirdos who wanna lie to me about dumb shit

ua-chargebolt 4:45 PM

Who's... Shimura....

ua-touya 4:46 PM

tenko shimura, he's a pro hero i work with

p-mina 4:46 PM

Whats your world like??? Mine is violent!!

ua-touya 4:46 PM

or... worked with

ua-stopwatch 4:46 PM

huh..

ua-himiko 4:46 PM

its the same world as everybody's, stfu...

ua-chargebolt 4:47 PM

Well... I've been given to understand that some universes are more violent than others... that's what Miku said...

ua-stopwatch 4:47 PM

sorry for being hostile towards you and Miko. It wasnt "cool" of me 

I'd love to hear more about your respective universes though

p-mina 4:47 PM

That was so mean :( It's okay though!

ua-himiko 4:47 PM

i don't have a respective universe. oh my god.

ua-touya 4:47 PM

obviously you do, considering i supposedly killed myself here and shouto's dead where you're from

ua-himiko 4:48 PM

...

ua-chargebolt 4:48 PM

I mean, we all have superpowers, is multiverse so hard to believe?

Maybe multiverse is osmeone's quirk idk

ua-himiko 4:49 PM

never heard of a quirk like that...

ua-stopwatch 4:49 PM

that's an interesting theory

p-mina 4:49 PM

that'd be scary!

ua-touya 4:49 PM

there's a lot of quirks we've never heard of before, that's the whole problem with em

ua-himiko 4:49 PM

...

ua-todoroki 4:52 PM

...

ua-stopwatch 4:53 PM

.

ua-chargebolt 4:53 PM

Are you OK, Todo?

ua-todoroki 4:53 PM

I hate this.

ua-himiko 4:54 PM

=_= don't exactly love it either

ua-todoroki 4:54 PM

...

It's insane.

There's so many...

ua-himiko 4:55 PM

...

ua-todoroki 4:55 PM

Why couldn't you have gone anywhere else.

ua-syren 4:55 PM

hey...it'll be okay

ua-todoroki 4:55 PM

Yeah, I'm sure a bunch of weird people from alternate universes running around will be okay.

ua-syren 4:56 PM

eventually it will..

ua-todoroki 4:56 PM

Lol.

Ok.

ua-himiko 4:56 PM

is2g i'm gonna start stabbing people if i hear the phrase 'alternate universe' again

ua-todoroki 4:57 PM

I'm gonna start stabbing myself if one more person has to make me say it.

ua-himiko 4:57 PM

do it then edgey bitch

ua-syren 4:57 PM

that joke is not allowed

ua-stopwatch 4:57 PM

Miko. Be nice.

ua-chargebolt 4:57 PM

Why does anyone have to stab things....

ua-himiko 4:57 PM

don't tell me what to do

ua-stopwatch 4:57 PM

-_-

ua-todoroki 4:58 PM

...

ua-touya 4:59 PM

it could be worse or whatever

ua-ryuu 4:59 PM

Well, this went off the rails real fast

ua-todoroki 4:59 PM

Whatever.

ua-syren 4:59 PM

it's not the first time

ua-stopwatch 4:59 PM

... yeah..

You're not wrong ry

ua-todoroki 4:59 PM

Message me if you want.

[Todoroki has left the chat]

[ellaenchanting]

It came from the drafts folder: Amnesiapalooza

I've seen that some people- notably @enscenic - are clearing out their drafts folders. I decided to look at mine and found this.

Ever since Hypnotic Amnesia came out, I’ve been really interested in working through it with a partner. I mentioned this desire to my friend @minddiver a few weeks ago and he said that he was also interested in improving his skills in amnesia as a subject. Thus, a wonderful partnership was born! He’s already posted at least one scene recap (possibly two by this point) and I’m going to be reblogging the recaps adding commentary. It will be like Hypnotic Amnesia, only without exact transcripts and with a much more fumbling hypnotist. I’m hoping to give some commentary on the good and not-great things I’m doing in these recaps in order to edumucate some of the new hypnosis people who read my blog- as well as give hope and encouragement to my fellow fumbling hypnotists out there. 

Random collected amnesia thoughts:

1. One day I’m going to write a post on the cultural differences between different kinds of hypnosis communities out there- hypnotherapists vs. recreational hypnotists vs. hypnokinksters. Some of these differences are pretty big but some are small and subtle. One is that hypnokinksters, more than the other two groups, seem to have this conception of amnesia as a really difficult suggestion to follow.  In more recreational hypnokink, it's kind of considered more of a medium- level suggestion- harder than, say, a handstick or conjuring up an emotion but easier than invisibility or hallucinations. I think stage hypnotists tend to throw amnesia in mid-show. Hypnotherapists are even worse- they’ll toss out a veiled amnesia suggestion in the middle of talking about something else like it ain’t no thang. It’s really only hypnokinksters who have this idea that amnesia is really hard to do. Thus, ironically, it probably becomes harder for us to do.

2. I think amnesia is hard to do. As a subject, my successes with amnesia have been pretty minimal and far between.* I think that really informs my attitude towards doing it as a hypnotist- I don’t tend to approach it very often and when I do, I will often throw everything at the wall in order to try and make it work. (See: this induction for an example of me doing a bunch of complicated things to make amnesia work.) I think that lack of confidence likely negatively affects people I’m working with in the subject role- if I’m conveying that I’m asking for a difficult thing (even unconsciously) it likely becomes more difficult.**

3. The problem with throwing everything at the wall at once is that you don’t actually ever figure out what works. Granted, sometimes you can talk to an insightful subject and they’ll be able to identify a precise technique that worked for them. But even then it can be difficult for them to distinguish when you’re throwing EVERYTHING at them all at once. So- going through one technique at a time feels much more precise and clean. It feels like an experiment. It’s an opportunity to slow myself down and restrain my tendency to overdo.

4. The good thing about experiments is how impersonal they can be. Doing hypnosis as part of the hypnokink community has given me so many valuable skills. I’ve loved getting closer to people I play with. However, the downside of that is that it’s brought a lot of anxiety into doing hypnosis that wasn’t there as strongly before. I hate how much fear about being disappointing I carry into play (as though I were doing something of Serious Import and not something explicitly called “play”). However, in an experiment, I’m just implementing a procedure. It’s much easier to remove my ego from success or failure- or concerns that I’m going to fuck up an entire relationship through lack of talent. I’m just in charge of giving @minddiver a series of possibilities and letting him pick which ones work for him. If something doesn’t work, it doesn’t mean anything about our relationship or my skill level. That’s relieving in a way.

When I know and care about the person I’m doing hypnotic things with, suddenly this very technical skill becomes much more about the relationship. And that sucks because 

 Anyway, since that book came out, I've really wanted to work through it systematically with a partner to help them experience amnesia as well as really get down some of the techniques. I've floated the ideas to a few partners but it's never really worked out for whatever reason. In one instance, committing time to weekly sessions is definitely a thing. Also, hacking away at a certain skill can be, for lack of a better word, a bit annoying. If someone really wants to be able to do amnesia, it can be very frustrating to go through lots of different techniques to find that none of them work. Especially if other things that you do together are successful and fun, why stay hyperfocused on something that ain't working? It feels like something that could could start to feel like work.

I also find it really comforting to do something that's relatively proscribed for a bit. My brain tends to hate me and has been going through a thing lately where I feel like the world's most terrible, disappointing hypnotist. It didn't do this as much when I did hypnosis monthly at meetups and occasionally with friends outside of that. Now whenever I do hypnosis, my brain has started to tell at me about all the ways I'm screwing up and being extraordinarily disappointing.

*See also- The anxiety spiral I sometimes fall into about what a boring and untalented subject I am.

**See also- The anxiety spiral I sometimes fall into about what a boring and untalented hypnotist I am.

[cupidsbower]

I never opened myself this way

Supernatural 13x01, “Lost and Found,” and 13x02, “The Rising Sun.”

Hello friends, I’m baaaaaaaaack.

It’s been a while, but I think I remember how to do this thang.

Let’s see, what to start with? The love song that opens the season? The spectacular casting of Alexander Calvert as Jack? The grey make-up they’ve splattered on Jensen Ackles to make him look a decade older? The statement of thematic intent we get in the third scene?

So many options, so many choices.

I wasn’t actually blown away by the opening episode this season. It was workmanlike - it did its job of setting up the season, but felt a bit plot-by numbers.

That said, there were some lovely moments. Jack is brilliantly cast, with Calvert looking so much like Misha Collins its uncanny. The pay-off of the whole son-of-Lucifer vs son-of-Castiel bait and switch is great too. Clearly families of blood and families of choice are going to be a big theme this year.

If you remember, last season, the theme was “nature vs nurture” but this season it’s looking more like, “Can the apple fall far from the tree?” Or, maybe it’s more, “Who’s your daddy?”

We start with a love song that tells us:

So close no matter how far Couldn't be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are And nothing else matters

(x)

Which harks back to that old idea of family not ending with blood, but also kind of implies, that yes, maybe the apple never can escape the tree. But on the other hand...

CLARK: Dude. Check it. KID: Check what? CLARK: This! Can I interest you in a Cheesebutt? Or maybe a Salty Butt Combo? Or perhaps my favorite - the Buttshake.

Or an assbutt maybe?

KID: Dave sees this, he’s going to fire you. CLARK: Oh, come on. He’s fired me, like, seven times. And I keep coming back. You know why? KID: Uh, because Dave’s banging your mom? CLARK: Exactly. Let’s face it, buddy. Around here, I’m untouchable. KID: Cool. Good for you.

STATIC CRACKLES FROM THE DRIVE THROUGH SPEAKER. JACK: Father?

(x)

So maybe blood isn’t all that important. Neither Clark’s parentage nor who his mom was dating ended up meaning all that much. An angel blade through the stomach proved Clark was touchable after all.

Hmm. I smell the faint whiff of foreshadowing.

I’m expecting to see a lot of pseudo-parents and pseudo-children this season, all playing out this idea of what they owe each other, and what they give each other.

And as Clark does “keep coming back”, I’m also wondering who we’re going to get back this season that we thought was dead???

The most interesting of the pseudo fathers in these two episodes are, of course, Sam and Dean. I wonder if we’re going to get another bait and switch here. Sam initially seems like he might step up as one of Jack’s pseudo-fathers, but the implication he’s focused on wanting to use Jack to save Mary undercuts it -- if he’s still focused on his own role as child, it puts him on a parallel course to Jack. Dean on the other hand is painted as a John-figure very strongly -- self-destructive in his grief, and seeing things in black and white as a result.

I doubt those positions will last long, though.

“The Rising Sun” is a much meatier episode.

Right off the bat the title tells us there’s going to be lots to explore. Its title uses that old, old play on words: sun/son. It’s a reference to Christ, of course, who was mortal/holy, just like Jack is, but also the dawn of a new day, the Morningstar, and, as Castiel is “Sunshine”, it’s also a reference to him as a father-figure.

Asmodeus is an interesting choice of villain. He’s a demon of Lust. He’s obviously a Trump stand-in of sorts, as so many recent villains have been on Supernatural, but he’s also playing on a bunch of other of America’s vaguely villainous associations. He’s from the south, he’s an older white dude, which together always invoke the Klan. He looks like Colonel Sanders, who is a trickster figure in some ways. While based on a real person, he’s become a cartoonish icon, like Ronald MacDonald. “Colonel” Sanders is so-called because he’s a Kentucky Colonel, rather than a military rank.

Put all this together and compare it to the white-suited Lucifer of The Endverse, and Asmodeus is very much Satan-lite. He’s a pretender to Hell’s throne, and one of the pseudo-fathers Jack will face.

I find Dean’s relationship with Jack particularly interesting in this episode. He calls Jack “It” and is still advocating that he’s intrinsically evil, but he also hallucinates sheep on the road. Sheep. Like the rising sun, this is a common symbol of Christ - sheep are the Lord’s flock.

1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul; He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever. (Psalm 23)

So let’s recap:

Sam and Dean get a hotel room so that Jack can lie down. Next to still waters, or rather the waters that Scooby Doo motors through with his tail.

Dean throws him the Bible to read -- the story of Jack’s own family. But it doesn’t open to death and violence and sin. It opens to The Song of Solomon, a book of love and pleasure. To whit: “Because of the savour of thy good ointments thy name is as ointment poured forth, therefore do the virgins love thee” (x).

They feed Jack. They follow him to the valley with the Shedim. Sam comforts him. Dean offers the rod.

It’s not so surprising that Sam is being comforting here -- he had a whole arc about coming to terms with his own powers last season. However, considering how negative Dean is right now, he’s doing a surprisingly good job of being a shepherd to Jack. Take this scene for instance:

JACK: What the hell am I? I can’t control… whatever this is. I will hurt someone. DEAN: You know, my brother thinks you can be saved. JACK: You don’t believe that. DEAN: No, I don’t. JACK: So… if you’re right? DEAN: If I’m right… and it comes to killing you… I’ll be the one to do it.

(x)

That does not strike me as a threat at all. In context, I read it as setting a boundary. For a kid who is worried about his place in the world, that’s incredibly reassuring!

Combine that with the way that Jack is mimicking Dean, it’s pretty clear that it’s Dean who is being established as the main father-figure so far.

I haven’t touched on Castiel much so far, but this seems a good point to do so. The text here is pretty clearly linking Dean and Castiel in a romantic light. Dead-Castiel is to Dean as fridged-Mary was to John. The whole shape of this opening twinset of episodes makes that clear. Sam is focused on getting Mary back, and is willing to use Jack to do it. Dean is grieving for Cas, and his whole world is empty right now because of it.

And yet, both of them have grown and changed since season 1, and neither are falling into quite the same mistakes that Mary or John made. Progress! It’ll be interesting to see what iteration of their mistakes we get this time and what they learn from them.

The final thing I want to mention here is Donatello. I do like this particular ninja turtle. “What would Mr Rogers do?” Hahahaha. Sounds pretty solid to me. But more importantly: 1) a prophet can smell Jack’s power, and it’s not corrupted so far, and 2) we have our first return from the fridge with this character. I’m pretty sure we’re going to get a lot more where that came from.

Okay, I lied. One more thing. Jack is adooooorbs. I love his literalness (such a great hark back to Castiel), and his emo-ness. He’s too good for the torture he’ll be put through on this nightmare soap opera horror show. *squishes him and offers him nougat*