#not things you call yourself or things that are inherently part of you that you cant change
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Hiya! I was wondering if you knew of any literature about reforming the psych system because I agree its broken AF and as someone who's a part of it I want to be able to do better. No worries if not, I just saw posts you've reblogged and thought you'd be a good person to ask!
i do have some recommendations!
"mind fixers: psychology's troubled search for the biology of mental illness" by anne harrington and "comfortably numb: how psychiatry is medicating a nation" by charles barber both give a history of the medicalization of mental illness and critique the biomedical model. (hint: there's a lot of BAD science that makes up the core of psychiatry - the evidence for there being a biological basis for mental illness and psych meds working at all is very flimsy.)
the disorderland podcast debunks bad science, especially pop science, talks about the commodification of mental health, and explores whether the symptoms we pathologize are actually symptoms.
"madness and oppression" by fireweed collective is a workbook that helps you see how you're not crazy -- you're oppressed. it looks at how what a psychologist/psychiatrist would consider a symptom is actually a very rational and normal response to being oppressed.
"on your own: patient-controlled alternatives to the mental health system" by judi chamberlain is written by a psych survivor, and goes into her own experiences as well as what alternatives exist to the system. great for learning about peer support!
"stolen" by elizabeth gilpin is a memoir by a psych survivor. she was abducted and taken to a "treatment" program in Appalachia, then went to a boarding school that functioned more like a prison with abusive group therapy. this one's good for humanizing mental illness BUT can be triggering as hell to psych survivors - so proceed with caution.
"the zyprexa papers" by jim gottstein is probably my favorite on the list, it's about how the antipsychotic zyprexa causes diabetes and metabolic disorders, and is still commonly prescribed (this is how i got diabetes). it shows how psych med regulations are not enforced, especially since zyprexa is often prescribed off-label for conditions it hasn't been shown to be clinically effective for, and has led to death in some cases.
madinamerica.com is a good site to explore for psych abolition, debunking psychology research, new psychology research that centers patient's autonomy and rights, and personal accounts of mental illness. it's been around for a decade so there's a lot of quality content to sift through!
i also recommend reading about peer support and peer respite houses - i don't have any particular books or articles about them, but that can be a good jumping off point to looking for an alternative model to the current psych system.
#i say this all with the caveat that i am a psych abolitionist NOT a reformist#i encourage you especially to read the first two#it's really important to understand that the evidence we have for mental disorders/diagnoses are vastly unsupported by the science#that aims to prove them#if you are not a psych survivor i encourage you to read pieces by psych survivors#it's important to humanize the people you're working with/learning about and it also helps paint a picture of the abuse we experience#i HOPE that after engaging with the system you start to see that it's not broken it's working as intended#psychiatry is a form of social control#it is dehumanizing#it inherently takes away your autonomy because diagnoses call your capacity to decide things for yourself into question#we are often belittled#told we're crazy#minimized#talked over#told we couldn't possibly make responsible decisions for ourselves#ETC#AND psych wards function as a prison#like there is no way for the system to be reformed because the system is based on the idea that there is something inherently wrong with us#and there isn't#the symptoms we experience are actually NORMAL parts of the human condition#psych abolition#antipsychiatry#actually delusional#actually disabled#actually psychotic#mad
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I want to be heard but I don't want to be screamed at
#the q-r community is one of the least welcoming ive ever tried to join#the simple act of BEING alphabet mafia isnt enough#you have to accept THEIR words for you and you have to accept THEIR thoughts#and if you have any opposing ideas about it or arent comfortable with the things they call you thats YOUR fault#and they then say if youre not comfortable with it youre not welcome#then im not welcome ANYWHERE because the cishet community won't take me#so basically youre forcing me to detransition in order to fit in anywhere#they all hate men and masculinity anyways#so theyd probably love me as a cishet woman ally more than the bisexual faggot transsexual man that i am currently#and they love calling people transphobic who dont like to take part in their little words#fuck off entirely a person isnt a transphobe just because they dont want to use your stupid word for themselves#GET OVER YOURSELF NOT EVERYBODY WANTS TO IDENTIFY AS Q-R!!!!!! AND YOU'RE FORCING IT ON PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!#YOUR WORD DOES NOT INHERENTLY HAVE THE MOST VALUE JUST BECAUSE IT WAS USED HISTORICALLY#TRANSSEXUAL WAS USED HISTORICALLY BUT YALL SWAPPED IT IN FAVOR OF TRANSGENDER#WORDS CHANGE GET OVER YOURSELVES#IM NOT OUT HERE FORCING YALL TO IDENTIFY AS TRANSEXUAL OR FAGGOTS OR DYKES OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT#BUT HERE YOU ARE FORCING Q-R ON US LIKE FASCISTS#basically what yall are saying is assimilate or die and im SICK of hearing that from both cishets and yall
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i just struggle to believe theres any ethical way to harvest meat. farm animal dying of old age? yeah. ok. sure. but farm animals aren't going to be perpetually dying of old age enough to fulfill the demand for their meats. you can make better and more convincing arguments to me for ethically harvesting eggs, wool and milk rather than meat.
#eggs? just supplement the chickens diet with more diverse foods to make up for the nutrients lost that they would otherwise have#if they were left to consume their own unfertile eggs#wool? well unfortunately we've already bred sheep to constantly grow wool so you kinda have to shear them for their own wellbeing#milk's a little harder to convince me w. but as long as you're not taking more than the calf needs then it should be generally ok.#the true crime however is how aurochs went extinct so that humans could benefit from them.#i don't think you can convince me that genetically altering animals for human benefit was ever a good idea. but we're here already.#so we gotta figure it out. i'm still disgusted about how we got here.#give me a convincing reason not to be. i do not marvel at the 'greatness and intellect of humanity' because all I see is people#using these animals as a means to an end. it feels the same to me as genetically altering dogs till they can hardly function.#wish people would just admit that this endeavor was done by the selfishness of humanity rather than try to fluff it up with#'well the animals can benefit too !!!' yeah but who benefits more and why do they deserve to benefit more#its fine to admit its done for self serving reasons. i'd respect you more if you did admit it.#humans do a lot of things for self serving reasons. the worst is when humans try to convince themselves thats Not the reason they#did something so blatantly self serving.#i think a lot of progressive types struggle to accept when they do things for self serving reasons. im not gonna pull a 'humans are#inherently selfish' on you but selfishness is very much a core part of being human and an animal in general. it's not what defines#us and it's not our only trait. we are a social species after all so it doesnt serve us to be purely selfish#but we do be being selfish still. we're not gonna be able to fully escape that behavior. you're not gonna be able to escape being#selfish by virtue of calling yourself progressive. it's impossible. just do your best to not be selfish but also dont deny when you are#honesty with yourself and what you're like is important. you're never going to be a pure perfect good moral person ever.#and convincing yourself all your actions are ones of Morality is Not the way you should go about ANYTHING ever#its why instead of letting yourself be kinda sad about an animal having to die to feed you you somehow try to convince yourself#that the animal wanted it or needed it or benefited somehow. it didn't. and thats ok to acknowledge. you're not an inhuman monster#for eating a dead animal. that doesn't mean it cant be sad. that doesn't mean you dont pay your respects. be sad it happened#and at the same time thankful for the animal feeding you. dont skip with glee about its sacrifice bc thats just fuckin.... weird...#a lil unhinged......... 'im so glad you're dying for me :)))))))' like.... girl what#not that you cant be happy to be fed just like.... dont sound like a serial killer about it in your inner monologue.............
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I think we need to sit down and talk about malgendering.
Not misgendering, malgendering.
We all know what misgendering means. Misgendering is when a trans person (or to be honest, even a cis person) has their gender denied to them in some fashion by implying, suggesting or outright stating that their gender is actually Something Else and not the one they identify as.
e.g. A trans woman being told she cannot attend a certain class because it's 'just for women'.
Malgendering is when the trans persons gender is not questioned or denied and may even be affirmed - but only in a context in which it can be used against them in some fashion (to make judgements on them as a person, to exclude them from something, to incite bigotry towards them etc).
e.g. That same trans woman taking her shirt off on a hot day and being arrested for indecent exposure.
This is misgendering;- "You're not a woman, you're a man." This is malgendering;- "Trans women are women, so obviously they exist to serve men."* *obvs it is also transmisogyny and all malgendering is transphobia.
But what you don't want to hear is that malgendering is a form of transphobia mainly used against trans masculine people and nonbinary people.
Most people recognise malgendering when it's;
Using the term 'theyfab' to ridicule an agender person or making jokes about how an agender they/them user looks (to you) to be a completely cis woman.
But you need to look out for how;
Malgendering is treating trans men like their transition has turned them into women-hating predators because of your own predjudices towards men/trans man were always inherently women-hating predators because maleness is what makes you those things not your actual thoughts, words and actions.
Malgendering is not listening to how trans masc people are marginalised 'because men aren't oppressed though' as if that's not ignoring a huge part of their identity (the being trans part) and how that works.
Malgendering is telling trans men 'this is just what it's like to be a man, people treat you like shit and you have to take it or not transition'.
Malgendering is insisting that any trans man who calls any attention to the fact that he is indeed, trans, and has/had female anatomy and faces misogyny due to being raised and still perceived (by transphobes) as a woman is misgendering himself, all other trans men and 'weaponising his AFABness'
All of this is transphobia. All of this is bigotry. This kind of predjudice and bullying doesn't magically become 'OK' once you find the 'right' group to do it to. You either want to end bigotry and transphobia and identity-specific targetted hate or you want to perpetuate it. But you can't call yourself a trans ally, or escape the bigotry allegations whilst malgendering people. And no you're not being sneaky by slipping in your hateful predjudice comments and actions whilst validating their gender.
Malgendering is transphobia.
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About the label thing. I agree with you. Recently I've read a book where someone argued against labels (and autism diagnosis etc) claiming that labels hold people back. As if someone who would get an autism diagnosis wouldn't act autistic if they're not labelled autistic... That author believes that if you believe in something enough it comes true so if you say you can't do something it's your fault for not believing you can do it... Like of course positivity and trying out things has it's place but some take it too far so that accepting realistic limitations is out of the picture. Like realistically there are things people just have a harder time with compared to someone who isn't autistic. Besides people who say don't make autism your personality, didn't people already have that personality before getting the label that explains the behaviour and personality type...
sounds like toxic positivity to me. which can be just as harmful as being too negative. some people really don't get that and think being realistic or honest = negativity and think toxic positivity is the Right/Only way.
but seriously. the reason I got diagnosed with autism is because I wanted to know the reason why I had autistic traits and was severely struggling in life and couldn't make them go away no matter how hard I tried. i'm not acting autistic because I was told I am lmao it's always been here
#the whole concept of labels got so misconstrued and is ruining us as a people#pretty sure it started as meaning a thing other people stuck on you against your will so THEY can try to limit you and reduce you to that#not things you call yourself or things that are inherently part of you that you cant change#-i could be wrong but that's always how i thought it worked#when people call autism a label im like...is being left handed/blonde/asian/tall/athletic/diabetic/etc also a label? lables are bad right so#should people stop being those things too? i swear some people genuinely think everyone has choice over unchosen human traits#actually I tried to act neurotypical because I was told there was ~nothing wrong with me i'm just acting weird and stupid and#not like a real human on purpose~ and that didn't work out at all. I in fact could not will neurotypicallity into existence đ¤Ł#you cant will everything into existence and some people really hate to hear that#its probably them living in denial ans trying really hard to not accept something about themsleves they consider bad/wrong
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FIXED COMFORT | SUNGHOON
SUMMARY: typically, sunghoonâs the one who takes care of you when youâve had one too many. but once in a blue moon, he lets his guard down and allows you to care for him the way he does for you.
or, the one where sunghoonâs drunk at a bar and misses his girlfriend a little too much.
NOTES: idk I just feel like someone should let him sleep for six months straight!!!
PAIRING: sunghoon x fem!reader
WORD COUNT: 4.4K (4444 exactlyâsheâs a shortie).
WARNINGS: fluff on fluff on fluff.
***
âHey, do you think you could come get Sunghoon from the bar? Heâs been asking for you for the past hour.â Â
Jayâs phone call pulls you out from a deep slumber on a Saturday night that falls on a day with no plans other than pure relaxation. Sunghoon had been preoccupied with work and classes this past week and wanted to unwind by drinking at his favorite bar with his closest friends and all you wanted to do was sleep the weekend away.Â
Since the two of you started dating six months ago after being friends for a little over two years, you both agree on the notion that youâve found a good balance between time spent together and apart respectively. Nothing fundamentally changed with the exception of kissing and touching one another in the way a couple would. He still respects your independence and you respect his time away from you as well.Â
Sunghoon learned quickly that youâre the type of person who values your alone time more than anything else. When he first started developing feelings for you, grappling with your absence wasnât easy. He initially thought you werenât interested in getting to know him the way he was with you because you werenât afraid to decline invitations and telling people âno.â Slowly, over the course of many months of pining and late night conversations, did Sunghoon learn that youâre typically your best self after a moment of isolation.Â
Your boyfriend is somewhere in between an introvert and extrovert. He tends to be shy when he meets people he isnât familiar with while his loud, rambunctious attitude is typically reserved for those who know him best. He likes to keep to himself for the most part, giving some of his personality away when he feels his walls start to crumble naturally. You love that he has a good head on his shoulders and that heâs able to tell you about his feelings while maintaining an air of confidence. He doesnât inherently need anybody; he likes your company and will do anything to keep it.
Moments like this are when your heart feels softer for Sunghoon than when the two of you were just friends.
âI know you wanted to spend the weekend alone but Hoonâs been saying your name all night,â Jay says. âIâm sorry for waking you up.â
âNo, itâs fine.â Youâre sure Jay can hear your brittle voice. âAre you guys at the bar near your place?â
âThatâs the one. Thanks again and Iâm really sorry for waking you up.â
âDonât sweat it. Cook me something next week if you still feel bad.âÂ
âI can do that. Chili oil noodles with shrimp sound good?â
âItâs almost like you know me.â He laughs at your sarcasm.Â
âDrive safe.âÂ
When Jay hangs up, you allow yourself a few minutes to adjust and wake up, stretching your body from the warm comfort of your blankets. You change out of Sunghoonâs shirt to put on pajama pants and another one of his stolen shirts, opting not to take a jacket since you figure you wonât be out for very long.Â
You thank your past self for filling up your gas tank before tonight after having put it off for a few days. Knowing Sunghoon, he would still scold you for allowing yourself to run nearly empty before filling it up even if he was inebriated. Somehow, knowing this about him brings a smile to your face.
Sunghoonâs the kind of guy who likes to have some control over certain things. He likes order and structure, often waking up at the same hour every weekday to build a routine his body can remember. Heâs been like that since you first met him but you think itâs part of his charm. Even from two years ago, when you met him through Jake Sim, Sunghoon has maintained a level of confidence and control that he does now. On the heels of an impressive skating career before pivoting to focus on higher education, Sunghoon had his preferences and will stick by them.Â
His discipline is the first thing you noticed when you met him for the first time. Jay, someone you were already familiar with, agreed to cook dinner with your friend group under the condition that everyone helped him shop and chip in for the meal. Sunghoon held Jake back from buying unnecessary things like boxed chocolate milk and candy because Jay had desserts back at his place. He held a checklist of items whereas the rest of your friends ran up and down the aisles without thinking much about what needed to be purchased.
Sunghoonâs near-meticulous behavior is juxtaposed to your chaotic and rambunctious nature. You often follow your gut instead of setting a solid plan because youâre not concerned with meeting deadlines, sans education. Whereas you tend to lean towards a go-with-the-flow attitude, Sunghoon is the opposite. But thatâs something he loves about you. Â
At a surface level distinction, it didnât seem like the two of you would get along as well as you did. It surprised Jake when Sunghoon asked for your number so he could text you about seeing a comedy film with him as no one else in the group wanted to see it. Including you at an impromptu study session with him (Sunghoon was organized and neat while your pens were spread all over and your study methods, haphazard) felt like watching two people clash.Â
Rather, you and Sunghoon complement one another.Â
The idea of letting himself go with someone who wasnât part of his friend collective was unheard of. Getting to know a girl who didnât share similar lifestyles didnât appeal to him before meeting you, and youâre inarguably the most chaotic person Sunghoon knows. But he finds that thereâs order within your chaosâyou know who you are and what you want, and you will not compromise yourself just to please other people.Â
Itâs what Sunghoon loves the most about you. Thereâs a boundary you never let anyone cross under the assumption that your own safety net feels compromised. Heâs watched you lose friends for this same reason and has always admired the way you carry yourself like you know you deserve better than people who disrespect you. Heâs witnessed the grace you maintain when people who call you a friend voice words of kindness but speak ill about you behind your back. If anything, Sunghoon feels pity for anyone who crosses you to the point of anger. To be envious of anotherâs confidence is one thing. To make that known is another.Â
Sunghoon learns that you let your inhibitions go because holding control over yourself feels like a burden. It feels like setting a standard you will never be able to meet. He never thought of order in that way before getting to know you. Your approach to life sparked a new wave of emotions within him to the point where he was open and willing to let you farther into his life.Â
His days were ruled by guidelines he had to maintain and proper etiquette that followed him even off the rink. The poise he carried from his career on the ice bled into his personal life too. Although, he doesnât mind that it does. Sunghoon values any form of structure because it makes him feel like he has a purpose and that thereâs something to be accomplished at the end of the day.Â
Most times, Sunghoonâs feels like people judge him for his regimen and canât fathom why he appreciates control so much. They tell him to let loose and enjoy his time away from his career. People always think he simply doesnât know how to have fun because heâs set in his ways and wonât let other people coax him into doing something heâs not comfortable with. But not you. Sunghoon has never felt like youâve judged how he chooses to live his life.Â
Before he knew it, a year had passed and he started to call you one of his best friends. The friendship was gradual. Sunghoon didnât have many close female friends in the way he does with Heeseung, Jay, and Jake. Youâre the first person since ending his career who hasnât tried to pry into the why. In fact, Sunghoon enjoys that you didnât bring it up.Â
(You did, in the form of cooing over his younger self skating in competitions for the first time or roasting all of the outfits he had to wear. But somehow, all of your jabs made him feel happier than when people complimented his performance.)
Eventually, being around you felt too right. He loved it when you took naps on his bed and felt comfortable raiding your kitchen pantry without permission. Sunghoon could leave you in his apartment without him being in it and feel at ease. In fact, he started to look forward to coming home to you. All it took was seeing you wear his hoodie because you got too cold and forgot your jacket, to make him drop his bag by the front door and ask you to be his girlfriend. He hasnât regretted anything with you since.Â
The weather is cold outside since itâs approaching the middle of autumn. You let your car warm up and blast the heat all the way up while adjusting your defrosting settings before heading to the bar to pick up Sunghoon. You sift through your playlists and settle on soft indie melodies before you drive away from the curb.Â
Youâve never seen Sunghoon get drunk to the point of needing extra help. Usually, youâre the one who goes a little too hard whenever Heeseung brings out the alcohol or if Jake offers an edible or two. Sunghoon likes to sit back and stay sober (or sober up by the end of the night) when he notices you having too much fun. He doesnât mind, though. Sunghoon likes taking care of you because sometimes it gives him purpose. Youâve never understood that sentiment but to each their own.Â
The only times youâve seen him completely wasted are usually when youâre equally as gone, like on your first road trip as a couple. The five of you rented a lakehouse a few hours from Seoul and spent an entire weekend basking under the hot sun and chose to forget about university stress before finals would inevitably kick everyoneâs ass. All five of you were cross-faded (but not without Jay and Sunghoon both prepping water bottles and snacks for when the munchies would hit prior to taking anything). You watched Sunghoon relax to the point where he was much quieter than he normally was and when you asked if he was doing alright, he looked you in the eye and told you he loved you for the first time.Â
I always have, I think, he said as he brought your hand to his chest. You might not believe me because neither of us are sober but I swear Iâll tell you in the morning.Â
Sunghoon gets affectionate when heâs drunk or high, often to the point of asking for reassurance. The rational side of his brain is temporarily disfigured. You donât mind being there to tell him that heâs the love of your life and youâd never go anywhere when he gets like this. Although, youâre usually just as gone and gush all of your hidden emotionally-charged feelings, which pair well with Sunghoonâs need for validation sometimes.Â
Your friends love your relationship. They donât think itâs too much or too little, going so far as to take photos of the two of you when you arenât looking. Some are funny like the pictures of you sleeping on his chest with drool pooling out of your mouth. Others are romantic and whimsical, like the pictures of Sunghoon looking at you like youâre the sunshine to his moonlight. They canât get enough of you two. Your friends love knowing people they care about are deeply in love with one another and your relationship is somewhat of a reminder that true romance does exist.Â
Thinking about this makes your heart swell as you park your car and tuck your keys inside your purse. The bouncer checks your ID and lets you inside the bar, and you already spot Jay off to the side.Â
âThanks for coming,â he says as he gives you a loose hug. âAnd sorry for waking you up.âÂ
You wave him off. âItâs fine. Iâve probably woken you up for worse.âÂ
âYeah, like the time you and Jake wanted ramen at 3am and wouldnât stop calling me because both of you got a little too high.âÂ
âCan you blame us?! You were like, two blocks away.âÂ
âYeah, but did you need to eat with me?âÂ
âDuh. Youâre like, the best person to eat a late night dinner with.âÂ
The two of you laugh as he leads you to the group. You see Sunghoon slumped over the table with his head in his arms and the rest of your friend group tries really hard not to seem too excited when they see you standing next to Jay.Â
âFucking finally.â Heeseung stands and gives you a quick side hug before Jake does the same. âLove you guys and all but he started to become unbearable when he kept showing us photos of you.â
Jake snorts. âPoor guy was almost about to cry.â That makes your heart soft.Â
âHe looks so cute,â you coo, tilting your head to savor this moment. Itâs abnormal for you to be the sober one but youâre starting to understand why Sunghoon doesnât mind taking care of you when youâre like this.Â
Jay comes to stand next to you. âHeâs not cute when he drank half his weight in alcohol and wouldnât shut up about how pretty your hair is.âÂ
âWhat, do you donât think my hairâs pretty?â The messy, unbrushed hair is enough to make the guys laugh.Â
âNah seriously, thanks for coming,â says Jake. âWe felt bad calling you but he refuses to get out of his seat.âÂ
âItâs fine.â You wave him off and step closer to your boyfriend, who still hasnât moved from his position.Â
âDo your thing and weâll be here if you need help bringing him to the car.â Heeseung smiles gratefully at you.Â
Even the back of Sunghoonâs head is unfairly gorgeous. His hair always looks nice, although you credit that to his younger sister introducing him to a world of hair care products during his skating years. It feels soft to the touch as you stroke the back of his head until Sunghoon slowly comes to. You feel his body start to stir.
âBaby,â you say quietly, bending down until youâre next to him. âWake up for me.âÂ
âHm?â Sunghoon mumbles from his arms. He feels the sensation of your fingers carding through his hair and pulls himself from the table, wiping the spit from the corner of his mouth before realizing youâre standing next to him. âY/N?â
âIâm right here.âÂ
He pulls his head up until heâs sitting upright in the booth, squinting up at you to adjust to the bar lights that disappeared when he closed his eyes. Your boyfriend looks so innocent like this. He looks at you with a wide, round gaze as if youâd appeared out of thin air and heâs trying his hardest to figure out how youâre standing in front of him.Â
âIs it really you?â Sunghoon asks in a quiet voice. His tone makes your heart flutter and you reach your arms out until youâre cupping his jaw and rubbing the pads of your thumbs over his cheeks. Sunghoon melts into your touch and you feel his body start to relax. âI missed you.â
âI missed you too, bug. Did you have fun tonight?â
He nods in your hands, âMhm. Just tired now.â
âJay said you were asking for me.âÂ
âI always ask for you.â Your cheeks heat up and you try to ignore the snickers from behind you.Â
âWhy donât we go back to my place, yeah? You can sleep in my bed instead of this bar.âÂ
âCan we? I love the guys but I just missed you.â
âSimp,â Heeseung whispers before coughing into his fist.Â
Sunghoon stands from the booth once youâve taken a step back to give him the space to move. Heâs surprisingly able to stand on his own and clutches onto his jacket as he makes his way to the door.Â
âSorry guys,â he mutters to the guys.Â
âYah, itâs fine,â Jay says as he waves Sunghoon off.Â
âGet home safe,â Heeseung says as he opens the door for the two of you. Sunghoon waves behind him until you guide him to the car.Â
âCan you put your jacket on for me?â You catch it in your hands after he nearly let them fall from his grasp.Â
âShit, sorry.â You watch Sunghoon put on one arm and then the other. He looks so childlike in this moment as he concentrates his hardest to put the jacket on without stumbling.Â
It reminds you that he doesnât show you this side of him often. Sunghoon, ever the poised individual who likes to know whatâs ahead of him, has let his inhibitions down. Seeing his figure slowly push his body through the warm fabric has you biting back a smile.Â
âNeed help?â
Sunghoon looks down at his hands that are trying to zip his jacket up to no avail. He feels like his hands are too big and the zipper is too small. âPlease.â
Your steady fingers cover Sunghoonâs and take over the tedious task. The metal is warm from his fingertips. You can feel him looking down at you and you temporarily fumble with the zipper, which makes him laugh.
âSilly,â he mutters. âAh, fuck. I donât know if I can open the door.â
You roll your eyes and open it for him. âYouâre funny.âÂ
He slides into the seat as gracefully as he can without hitting his head on the roof. Sunghoon struggles, but manages to buckle himself in and grins up at you when he hears the click of the buckle. When you look down on him, the lamp post from above casts a soft glow on his face. He looks so youthful at this moment. Sunghoon has let go of his thoughts and couldnât think about anything but the present moment even if he tried.Â
He waits for you and mumbles about how cold it is when you turn the engine on. The warm air starts to uplift his spirits and he looks at you with us head pressed to the headrest.
âIâm sorry you have to see me like this.â
âWhat?â you ask. âWhy?â
He shrugs. âDunno. Usually Iâm the one taking care of you.â
âYou donât always have to be brave, you know.âÂ
Sunghoon doesnât say anything. He reaches out to envelope your hand in his and squeezes it until heâs holding it loosely in the quiet of the evening.
âI love you.âÂ
Your heart blooms. âI love you right back.â He seems satisfied with your response and lets go of your hand so that you can drive back to your apartment.Â
When you park on the curb, Sunghoonâs sober enough to unbuckle his seatbelt and wait for you to turn the engine off before opening his door carefully. He steps outside and leans back on the car door until you walk around the hood of the vehicle and grabs your hands to pull you into him.Â
You feel his lips on your before you register whatâs happening. He tastes faintly of pineapple soju and beer, and his mouth is warm. Despite his inebriated state, Sunghoonâs able to hold you between his hands as he moves to place them on your hips to balance your body after youâve stumbled into him.Â
The kiss itself is slow. In fact, it feels as though Sunghoon has slowed time around so that the two of you could enjoy the late night kiss uninterrupted. You can barely hear anything besides the ringing in your ears after being caught by surprise due to your boyfriendâs abrupt movements. Your mouths move in slow tandem and Sunghoon nearly pushes his tongue inside your mouth before pulling away to rest his forehead against your own.
âMy baby,â he whispers against your lips before giving you another quick peck.Â
âYou are so cute.â You blurt out this confession like youâre still pining after him. âLetâs go inside, yeah?âÂ
The apartment is warm compared to the environment outside and Sunghoon slips off his shoes in favor of wearing his designated slippers. He doesnât let go of your hand the entire time he does so, letting you pull him into the hallway until the two of you reach your bedroom. The hardwood floors feel better than the uneven pavement from outside.
He loves it here. Itâs a sanctuary away from his apartment with the friends he will probably invite to his wedding. But something about your green comforter and hand-painted artwork adorning your walls makes Sunghoon feel like he would live by your side for the rest of his life. The scent of your roomâwarm peaches and vanillaâtugs at his heart strings. This is where he belongs.Â
Likewise, you love seeing Sunghoon behave like this. Itâs not commonplace for him to let people take care of him in the way you are now. Heâs used to people looking out for his career and best interest but he struggles with allowing others to handle him with such care. After a decade of enduring harsh criticism and physical endurance, Sunghoon struggles to relax and allow others to take the reins. Itâs partially why he loves taking care of you. Being able to provide that kind of love and support makes him feel wanted and needed, even if you tell him heâs more than enough a thousand times over.Â
You leave him in your room to change his clothes taken from his designated drawer while you prepare skincare and the works. You hear him shuffle outside and fall onto the bed once, prompting you to hold your laughter in as you wash your hands and pull out hair clips for him to use.Â
âI canât lie,â Sunghoon says as you emerge from the bathroom to see him in a big t-shirt and pajama bottoms, âIâm really looking forward to you doing my skincare.âÂ
You snicker and pull your desk chair into the bathroom. âNow you know exactly how I feel every time I beg you to do mine when Iâm drunk. Sit and close your eyes, please.âÂ
He follows your instructions and leans his back against the furniture. Sunghoon doesnât fuss when you pin his hair back until itâs secure and allows you to make him feel pampered in a way he typically wouldnât.Â
âDid you have fun tonight?âÂ
Sunghoon hums. âYeah, I did. The guys picked me up from my place and we had lunch at that seafood spot weâve been meaning to try.âÂ
âWas it any good?â
âSo good.â He licks his lips. âGod, Iâm still thinking about that shellfish soup. We ordered enough food to feed a village but it was so worth it. I wanna go with you.âÂ
âWe can go wherever you want.â He smiles at your soft tone.Â
âWe also went to the beach and met some guys at the skate park by the highway. They were pretty nice and let us use their boards for a little. Heeseung got along with them the best, I think.â
âHeeseung makes friends with everybody.â
âHe says heâs not social but thatâs a lie.â Sunghoon twitches his nose when he feels a damp washcloth on his face. âWe went to the bar afterwards and split it by round. I got the first and honestly, I donât remember much after that.âÂ
âHow are you feeling now, though?â you ask as you finish patting his skin dry. âDo you still feel dizzy?â Sunghoon opens his eyes and watches you apply a serum before dabbing it all over his face.Â
âNot as much as before. I think Iâm just tired.â
âAnd clingy, apparently.âÂ
Sunghoon smacks the back of your thighs. âShut up. You love it.â You silence him by kissing his nose.Â
While he brushes his teeth, you situate yourself underneath your plush covers and allow the weight of the blanket to fall on top of you. The sweet promise of a good nightâs rest feels imminent, especially when you see your boyfriend emerge from the bathroom. He turns off the light and walks towards the empty side of the bed before heâs slipping himself beside you.Â
Sunghoonâs an equal opportunist when it comes to sleeping positions. He loves it the most when your head is on his chest and when your arms are tangled in one another because he likes knowing that the two of you yearn for each other equally. But when he gets like this, Sunghoon takes initiative to maneuver himself until half of his chest and head are on top of you. He situates his arm around your waist and pulls himself closer to your body until a deep, satisfied sigh comes from the back of his throat.Â
He hums in appreciation when your fingers begin to massage his scalp. Sunghoonâs hair is soft and silky and on most days, youâre the only person who gets to touch it. The slowness of your movements paired with the soft kiss you place on his temple makes his eyelids feel heavy.Â
âSorry you had to come pick me up,â Sunghoon mumbles against you. âI know we agreed to give each other some space this weekend.âÂ
âYou should know by now that Iâd do anything for you.â He feels you kiss the crown of his head. âPlus, we both know youâd do the same for me.âÂ
Sunghoon nods. âI would. Youâre my girlfriend. Duh.â His sleepy nonsense makes you laugh.Â
âYou can go back to hanging out with the guys tomorrow if you want.â He shakes his head.Â
âI want to get breakfast with you.â Sunghoon finds your free hand and presses a sleepy kiss to the back of it.Â
âWhatever you want. We can get breakfast.âÂ
âIf we wake up early enough.âÂ
You laugh again. âYes, if we wake up early enough.âÂ
Sunghoon mumbles a few incoherent words that you canât quite make out because of your own tiredness. When your own eyes start to droop, Sunghoon feels your fingers start to falter and looks up at you to see youâve fallen fast asleep.Â
He kisses the underside of your chin and falls asleep too.
***
comments and reblogs are appreciated! x
#enhypen x reader#sunghoon x reader#park sunghoon x reader#kpop x reader#enha x reader#enhypen imagines#sunghoon imagines#park sunghoon imagines#sunghoon fluff#sunghoon#my writing*
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You guys really need to stop and consider the ways you're talking about Kabru I am dead fucking serious. Like I know that flattening characters is just what fandom does to a certain extent, but Kabru's actual personality is getting lost to the fandom hivemind insisting that he's aggressive/cruel/sociopathic/hateful, and these are particularly concerning takes to see leveled at the only brown character in the main cast day after day. "My poor sweet golden child Laios needs to be protected from this scary brown man" is not a good look! Like, it's very telling that the bulk of the hate and bad faith readings are reserved for Toshiro and Kabru. Everyone else's flaws get to be discussed and validated and forgiven (or erased), meanwhile people are straight making up things to be mad about with Toshiro and Kabru but patting themselves on the back for being smart.
The worst part is how undeserved it all is. I'm trying to lay off anime-onlys because we're still kind of in the red herring stage of getting to know Kabru, but I would still like to gently suggest that even if you think Kabru is up to something, you don't gave to get in the tags of every fan creator's post and bring up how you hate him or You Can Tell he's totally evil. Sometimes I think Kabru's blue eyes give people license to say things about his appearance that they know would sound completely racist otherwise, but referring to his blue eyes acts as a get-out-of-racism free card. The jokes about the dog with brown contacts are getting old, by the way.
For people who have read the manga, it's disappointing. Kabru is one of the most complex and important characters in the story, and if you base your interpretation of him and all your fandom interactions on shallow first impressions you are completely missing out.
I know part of this is because Dungeon Meshi is a comedy, but the story also wants to be taken seriously. For example, it's admittedly really funny when Chilchuck calls Laios "sick in the head", but that doesn't change the fact that the way Chilchuck casually belittles Laios caused him to hide the fact that he was "hallucinating" from his friends for weeks. Those feelings matter.
Like, this
is funny.
But this?
Is not. This is just a very clear example of a brown boy with PTSD. As someone else with PTSD, just looking at this fucking sucks, man.
The only reason why Kabru thinks about killing Laios is because he is in the middle of a flashback. He's struggling through a panic attack. If he truly wanted to kill Laios because he's violent or because he finds Laios inherently annoying, he wouldn't otherwise talk with Laios normally. Notice how he doesn't act this way at any other point in the story- it's just because he's triggered by monsters. Even when he's thinking about his plans to "deal with" Laios later, he's reluctant to actually kill him and only considers it to prevent another tragedy. Despite his deadly skills, Kabru relies far more on "soft" power- insight, persuasion, diplomacy. He's a rare example of a character who absolutely is, or at least can be, manipulative, but seems to use his abilities for good. He's not a pathological liar, he isn't looking down on everyone behind a smile. He's someone who is extremely emotionally intelligent, and he's willing to put aside all his own basic wants and needs to stop the cycle of dungeons devouring humans.
I'm going to cut a potential thesis on his character short and just give some examples of things that fandom should consider about his personality more:
Racism in fandom isn't just about whitewashing in fan art, or using racial slurs. The insidiousness of bad faith readings, reductions to racist tropes, lack of fan content for characters of color, and dismissal of a character's complexity are far more common. You can believe yourself to be completely neutral or even positive about a character and still churn out low-grade bile about them into fandom's collective unconscious. Fandom reflects real life.
And I have been around fandom long enough to see how these behaviors (mostly from my fellow white fans) affect fans of color, how it makes a fandom feel hostile and unwelcome to them. It's fun to make jokes and memes, I'm absolutely not saying that everything needs to be a deeply nuanced take, but we need to be careful that it doesn't veer into toxicity. Please think about how our contributions to fandom come across, and what sort of vibes they cultivate in this communal space.
#Dungeon Meshi#Kabru#Kabru of Utaya#Dungeon Meshi meta#I'm putting it in the tag. I'm making you look at it.#if you come into my inbox to bitch about this just know that people used to send me b*heading videos in there for similar racist reasons#so I will not be impressed#I'm in a fucking time loop someone get me out!!!!#musings with Dea
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incendiary take time. I think part of the reason some people are gunning so hard for platforms to outright ban AI art/writing is that they've cultivated communities of taste that eschew critical evaluation and hold all ('human-made') creative works to be innately worthy and valuable by merit of being made by a very special little guy. when you're not allowed to say 'this isn't very good' or 'this doesn't mean anything' because that's mean / the artist didn't ask / taste is subjective / the divine comedy is basically fanfiction, you sacrifice the most basic reason AI art sucks (that it...sucks) and HAVE to resort to gerrymandering the definition of art to eliminate it from the pool of inherently unique and laudable creative expression.
when you can't say 'this chatGPT dreck is complete shit', either because there's no air in the room for calling anything shit or because you've spent so long playing nursery school compliment games with your fellow artists that you don't have the vocabulary or insight to identify 1. that it's shit 2. why it's shit, all you can do is demand that nobody ever shows it to you. because if they do you might be tricked, and if you're tricked you might embarrass yourself by liking something profane. and if you like something the machine made...well, then human art isn't innately special and divine at all, is it bud? maybe the thing that makes it good is a level of craft, thought, insight and articulation that we should all be conversant in.
but that means we all have to accept that not everything we make is perfect. that means we have to take criticism on the chin. yucky. let's police the purity of people's workflows instead. everyone knows only moral upright artists make good art.
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expand on ur "mental asylum Marxism shit" thing about children & grief?? from what you've said im pretty sure i will relate from my own experiences as a grieving child. also it sounds interesting!!
so i was thinking about how weird it is that, when a child has to deal with the death of a loved one, they say something like "no child should have to go through this! no child should have to even think about death!" which strikes me as weird because i was a child who dealt with the deaths of multiple close family members, very close together. the first was my great-grandmother, who i lived with and who was my best friend. death was never foreign to me (my mom has always been very death-positive on top of all that). grief was just part of my life like everything else was.
but i realized that its because people think childhood should not have any flaws. you should be 100% happy and fulfilled all the time. any time a child experiences anything painful, its bad. not "children should have access to love and support," but "children should not have basic life experiences because the idea of childhood being anything other than fluffy purity scares me."
because children in society are fundamentally not people. especially in a society structured around christian beliefs in natural law theory, that what is natural = what is good, healthy, and Divinely commanded. so on top of children being the property of adults, they are also forced to be the symbols of Nature. whatever is the most useful to whoever needs them. which means we built up this idea of children as tabula rasas, pureness incarnate. like a magic mirror where if we look into it, we'll be able to catch a glimpse of the true face of humanity. every single thing children do can be scrutinized for some grand truth about humans as a whole. and then, the ways children are treated also reflect how we think humanity should interact with its own nature.
example: the idea of humanity as inherently sinful and wicked, with that urge needing to be suppressed through state violence (hello hobbes) = the idea that children are annoying and shitty on purpose and need to be forced via punishment into being Good Citizens.
this is also why children cannot be trans, even though all trans people must prove that we were trans children. being queer must be unnatural; and even if not, its inherently sexual, and sexuality is dirty and bad. so children can't be trans, and they also can't read books on puberty until their parents decide when and what exactly they are allowed to learn. child victims of sexual assault only matter to the extent that they can be used as a symbol of a cultural threat; calling Jewish or trans people pedophiles means saying that they are foreigners attacking basic human nature, and indirectly, Divine command. if you aren't the right kind of victim, or when you inevitably reveal yourself to be A Person with complicated experiences and opinions, you are no longer of use to the agenda.
it sucks that bad things happen to anyone. aspects of youth can exacerbate the pain sometimes, but sometimes it does the reverse: I wish I could have spent more time with the family members I lost, but I know other people who are glad they loss family members young, because they weren't really hurt by it. I think the main thing is that, even sometimes when we talk about our past selves, we project this cultural idea of Child As Purity and ignore the actual person having the experience. when we "empathize" with children by projecting Purity onto them, we aren't actually connecting with them.
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I find it a bit strange how it's okay and normal to say trans men have 'afab privilege' but if you say trans women have 'amab privilege', that's bad and wrong and incorrect and also maybe you should kill yourself. strange stuff
somehow trans men were 'socialised female' and therefore can 'get away with being women' but trans women were not 'socialised male' and can't 'get away with being men' cos there's something inherently feminine, inherently queer about them.
though, i spent my whole life being called gay, getting asked if i was a butch lesbian, getting asked if i was a tranny, cos i wore pants [girls!] instead of skirts, cos i wore shirts [girls!] instead of blouses, cos i wouldn't wear dresses and would prefer [girls!] formal wear that weren't dresses, cos i liked bionicle instead of dolls, cos i played video games, cos i swore, cos i liked heavier music, cos my favourite colour wasn't pink, cos i wore caps. i would not say i fit into girlhood at all, actually.
but this masculinity was inherent to me, it still is, i couldn't and can not change it (despite trying, very hard, to my detriment) so i ALWAYS stuck out as being 'too masculine' for other girls. and then i come into queer spaces and i'm 'too masculine' for other queer people - but that's besides the point, currently.
so, currently, when i see people say 'trans women aren't "socialised male," that's not real, they always stick out as "other"' and then turn around and say 'trans men have afab privilege, they can be women to get away with things, they fit into girlhood so well' I can't help but become incredibly fucking frustrated. this is not true and actually it's something we have in common! neither of us were socialised 'correctly' cos we're both trans and raised amongst peers who were not trans!
everything from masculine girls to trans men do not fit into 'girlhood' cos masculinity is not what girlhood is meant to be. this shouldn't be hard to grasp. this is why the 'socialised' concept is bullshit cos it's founded on whatever was forced upon you as a kid and if you don't fit that standard you will not be socialised that way due to, in large part, being fucking ostracised from everyone else. and that doesn't mean there won't be things to unlearn, i know very many trans men who were very feminine for a long time and the opposite for trans women, but someone who clearly cannot fit what's being pushed onto them is going to come off as 'strange' and 'uncanny' to the people who can fit into what's pushed onto them.
but the way people talk about this really highlights to me that yous don't want to consider us trans in the first place - transness is for trans women and not for trans men, socialisation concepts are fake when it comes to trans women but real when it comes to trans men cos they're not really trans, 'amab privilege' would get you branded a TERF or radfem saying it to a trans woman but it's fine to say trans men, trans men have 'afab privilege' cos we're not trans, we're just women. you know until we get a little too rowdy and then we're not trans, we're just men.
maybe i'm just jaded and bitter. idk
#transandrophobia#hopefully this makes sense i need to go put my testosterone on and i'm hungry. lol#i also think a lot of you think trans men speaking up for themselves means that trans women will get less now. which is not true#i ALSOOOOO think a lot of you think there is things that are inherent to 'boyhood' and 'girlhood' despite not believing in 'socialisation'#like you still deeply believe there's a right and wrong way - inherently - to be a boy or girl#when it's actually just all made up#but that's another essay for another time
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INFECTED WITH INFATUATION âĄ
pairing: carlos oliveira x fem!reader
summary: you and carlos are out on a mission when you come into contact with an unfamiliar plant specimen. the effects are unexpected to say the least.
cw: nsfw (18+), smut, p in v, dubcon (cause of the pollen), sex pollen, breeding kink, overstimulation
wc: 6k
a/n: omggg kinktober already over halfway done. crazyyy. i hope you guys like this one. it was fun to write so thank you to the person who requested. reblogs, comments, and asks are appreciated <3
kinktober slot: day 17 - sex pollen
"Carlos, watch out!" you shout.
Your partner, the man you called out to, takes heed of your warning as soon as it hits his ears. He ducks down, giving you a clear shot at the overgrown spider crawling down the hedged corridor at the two of you. The moment you have a lock on the target, you shoot. You never hesitate in the field. It only took you one day of dealing with bioweapons to learn that lesson.
Your finger presses down on the trigger of your gun hard, firing multiple rounds right at the creature. The bullets tear through its flesh. Its limbs fumble, and it crumples to the ground. Your heart slows down a little. The sight of its death helps to calm your nerves.
Carlos pops back up, his black hair swishing out of his face with the motion. He turns to you with an approving smirk across his lips.
"Nice work, sharpshooter," he says.
You roll your eyes at the nickname. He'd given it to you after your first mission together in which you encountered an infected dog and managed to miss every single shot you fired at the thing. It had been first day nerves you insisted, and so far, that had proven to be true. But that wouldn't stop Carlos from making fun of you.
The two of you walk over to the deceased organism. You silently thank every possible higher power that this mission is almost over. There's only one more sector after this one, and then the two of you are done for a few weeks.
You hesitate to get too close to the arachnid. Even though it lies there motionless, some sort of innate survival instinct told you no. Your eyes scan it with disgust, looking at the coarse hairs and the multitude of eyes. Gross. You would just have to step around the thing.
With extreme caution, you traverse over its large legs. You wonder what kind of psychopath would want to engineer spiders and make them this big. Your feet land firmly on the ground with every stride you take. The absolute worst case scenario here would be falling over onto it and finding out it still has some life left. Another few steps though, and you're in the clear.
However, your partner apparently does not possess the same inherent fear of spiders you do. He walks over the dead thing without any extra care. In the process, his boot catches on the end of its thorax.
You watch as a baby spider bursts from it and bolts away from the body, making a beeline towards you. And you know it's ridiculous. You know it's humiliating. But you scream.
You're not sure if it's because it's tinier and faster or because it's appearance is so sudden. Either way, you shriek. You recoil before you can control your reaction. Shooting at it would probably be smarter, but in your panic, you don't want to blow a hole through Carlos's foot. You just jerk back and accidentally send yourself tumbling into a bush.
Luckily, he's quick to get to it, not discharging his weapon at all. He simply stomps on it with his large boot. It squishes beneath the sole and splatters on the dirt. His eyes then turn to you in the foliage.
Laughing a little, he heads over to you and parts the leaves. He looks at you with that same smug expression and extends a hand.
"Need some help down there?" he asks.
You glare at him but still accept the offer. It would be easier to get out of this mess of branches and little pink flowers with his aid. You reach out and wrap your fingers around his palm, feeling the warmth of it in your grasp. He pulls you up, and you shamefully watch his bicep flex as he does.
On the way to your feet though, he hisses in pain.
"Ah, fuck," he mutters, letting go of you as soon as you're upright.
He pulls back and brings his arm to his body, holding it there and examining the source of pain. You step closer to try and look too. Your eyes catch the sight of the injury almost right away. It would be hard for anyone to miss.
A red stripe spans from the outer side of his forearm to up just past his elbow. The ending of the cut seems like a deep gash while the beginning is only a thin line. Blood already begins to trickle onto his skin. It looks like a thorn had snagged him while helping you off the ground.
You pull a small cloth from the pouch attached to your belt.
"Here, let me see," you offer, your voice softer as your mind snaps into a more caring frame. It's the one you used to use everyday when you worked as a medic. Before you had been roped into this mess with mercenaries.
He offers his limb up to you without resistance. If there was anyone he trusted to look at him, it was you. After most missions, he stayed with the doctors Umbrella provided for the mandatory observation period, but you were the one to actually patch him up. With you, there were no ulterior motives or chances of being double-crossed. You wanted to help people, and that's what you did for him.
You do it right now as you take the small piece of material and dab up the crimson fluid seeping from his wound. He grunts as you get closer to the source.
"Sorry," you say. You try extra to remain gentle, lightly swiping at the edges of the injury. "Looks like a piece of the plant caught you. I can take a better look at it later, but for now, you should be fine. You're not bleeding too much," you tell him.
He nods and gets back to holding his weapon in the proper position. The two of you continue onward in the direction of your target. You only hope you've seen the last of those spiders.
Fortunately, your wish had been granted. You and Carlos hadn't encountered any more spiders, big or small, for the rest of the mission. The path to the objective from the sight of the last one had been pretty easy, presenting no real challenges.
The two of you made it back to the nearest Umbrella base for the night following a short ride there. You had to get checked out first and now stay overnight for the waiting period as was the procedure for all field operatives. The idea was to ensure you all didn't harbor any infections that remained undetected during the examination. But after that, you'd be home free.
You'd already completed the mandatory screening with the doctor. After finding nothing out of the ordinary, you headed to the assigned room they'd given you for the next twelve hours. It was pretty small, just a bed, table, chair, and shelf. You didn't need anything more though.
You change out of your grimy cargo pants and black sweater and pull on a much more comfortable pair of gray sweats and a t-shirt matching in color. Laying on the stiff mattress, you take a few moments to decompress from the earlier events. Your body seems to hold a dull ache all over, something you attribute to the heightened stress you experienced for hours on end. Your adrenaline has started to wear off, and as it recedes, the ability to feel in entirety returns.
Some time goes by, and Carlos knocks on the frame of your door. It feels like only moments have passed, but in reality, you're sure it's closer to thirty minutes. You look up at him with curious eyes.
"You need something?" you ask.
He walks in, and you see he's also changed. A charcoal t-shirt covers his upper body while gray sweatpants adorn his waist. You try to keep your gaze casual although it would be obvious to anyone with eyes that he looks statuesque in them.
"I was wondering if you're too tired to take another look?" he asks.
Sitting up, you pat the space next to you on the small bed. "Never too tired for my favorite patient," you answer with a small smile.
He returns the fond expression and takes a seat. You take your medical pouch off the table next to the bed. Unzipping it, you pull out the few things you predict you'll need. He rolls up his sleeve even though it's not necessary, allowing you to see his arm in full glory.
"You know they do have doctors here. Ones with much better equipment than me," you say teasingly as you rip open a small cleaning wipe.
He looks at you and shrugs. "I doubt they'd know how to use it as well," he says.
You shake your head and rub the alcohol-soaked patch across his wound. He hisses from the sting but manages to hold still. Your fingers work as quickly as they can, not wanting to prolong his suffering. You clean the dried blood off and make sure the open cut has been completely tended to. But your eyes narrow as you look at his skin.
"The doctors did look at you, right?" you ask.
"Yeah, why?" he responds.
"They cleared you?" you check.
And he nods. Maybe he was right not to trust them.
"Well, this doesn't really look normal," you say with uncertainty, "You have some discoloration around the cut. Your veins look a bit darker than they should. It could be an infection."
His eyes find yours. You can see in his stare that he's looking for reassurance.
"Does it hurt at all?" you continue.
"No. I mean, a little. Feels like I have a giant scrape on my arm. But not more than normal," he says.
A puff of air leaves your nose as you try to think. "Hm. You might be ok then, could be just some abnormal pigmentation," you offer, "I've never seen an infection manifest this fast, but if it were already showing, you'd probably have some symptoms too."
"So you think I'll live?" he jokes.
You scoff and nudge his arm away, putting up a playful front.Â
"Don't ask me that," you say.Â
In truth, you didn't want to think about Carlos dying. You'd seen so many people die since joining this task force. Your worst fear when coming into work was seeing that happen to the one you care most about.
"Alright," he concedes and surrenders, but his attitude doesn't dampen any.
You pull up your small roll of gauze next and begin to bandage him up. With careful hands, you rotate the thin material around his forearm, making sure to cover the entire scratch in a durable layer. The room is so quiet. There's no sounds except for the two of you breathing. You're tempted to say something and cut through the silence, but you don't. The moment feels intimate. It feels wrong to try and interrupt it.
When you finish wrapping his arm, you tear the gauze and tuck it under to keep it in place. Clearing your throat, you pat his shoulder and give him another sweet smile.
"All done," you say.
"Do I get a reward for being so well-behaved?" he asks. His voice lowers, and he leans in the slightest bit closer to you.
Heat blooms in your stomach and spreads up to your chest, but you'd never let him see the effect he has on you.
"Get outta here," you say and give him a light push.
He laughs and rises to his feet. He heads over to the door but doesn't leave before turning back to look at you again.
"Thanks, sharpshooter," he says.
"You got it, soldier," you respond with a small mock salute.
He shuts the door behind him after that. You put your things back in your pouch and lay back in bed again. A sudden wave of tiredness crashes into you. Sighing, you rub your face and yawn. Tonight it didn't seem like you'd have any trouble sleeping, a rare blessing as of late.
Rolling over, you wince as you feel a small burst of pain in the back of your thigh. You're so exhausted though that you chalk it up to a pulled muscle and resign to check it out when you wake. All you really want to do right now is knock out until the sun is up and the transport vehicle is ready to drop you off at the airport to go home.
It's still dark out when your eyes flutter open. The lids feel heavy with sleep. Your brain wants to be unconscious again, but something has pulled you from the comfort of sleep. It might be the fact that you're burning up.
Your entire body feels as though fire rages within it. Sweat coats your skin and causes your t-shirt to stick to you. You can feel your pillowcase beneath your head damp with it. You sit up, but you have to do so slowly because of how the simple motion causes the room to spin. You try to blink the dizziness away to no avail.
Once you're upright, you feel more conscious though. You're able to better assess your symptoms and maybe pinpoint the cause. You register that you feel tingly. Fizzling sparks rampage all throughout your body; though, the most intense area seems to be the back of your thigh. You peel down your sweats a bit and arch your back to try and get a look.
Your eyes widen as you find a puncture wound with the same discoloration you saw on Carlos.
Fuck, you must have landed on a thorn in that bush and not realized it with everything else going on. Panic rushes through you at the thought of being infected with something that shows symptoms so fast, but a more intense surge of it floods you when you realize that this means Carlos has it too.
You try to get out of bed to go inform him of your discovery, but a round of cramps doubles you over and has you curling up on the twin-sized mattress to ride out the pain. Small whimpers exit your lips. They were so intense, worse than any period cramps or stomach aches you'd ever experienced.
They start to ease up after about a minute, but it's then that you begin to notice the constant throbbing between your thighs. In the midst of all this other stuff coming to light in your groggy condition, you hadn't really noted how consistent it was, but it seems to have grown stronger after that bout of pain.
A strong pulse emanates from your clit. You whine and shove your hand in your panties to try and rub it away. A few strokes bring little pleasure, but not enough to ward it off for good.
You realize your breasts feel heavy too. With every breath you take, they call out for a pair of hands to cup them and squeeze them, to fondle them and toy with your nipples. Just some form of stimulation.
Your legs bend up to your chest while your hand still fruitlessly fumbles around between your thighs. You whimper in frustration now. These symptoms are unlike any of the infections you've encountered in your career. You're not sure what to do.
As you're trying to formulate some sort of plan, your door opens. Carlos stumbles in. He looks to be in the same condition as you. The gray fabric of his t-shirt is soaked in sweat at the underarms and neckline. His skin glimmers in the dim light while he looks at you with hooded eyes. The door shuts behind him, and the air between you feels thick. His scent drifts to you across the room, making you squeeze your thighs together hard with desire.
It takes everything you have to not lunge across the room and pounce on him like an animal in heat. From the strained expression on his face, it's not a wild guess to imagine he feels similar. He's panting, leaning against the wall for support.
"Safe to say we're infected with something, huh?" he chokes out.
You turn your head and nod against your pillow, unable to bring yourself to look at him anymore. If you did that, you wouldn't be able to control your reaction.
"What should we do?" he asks.
You have no clue how he's managing to stand or speak or even think through these questions. All your mind can conjure at the moment are visions of him on top of you. They're so vivid you can almost feel the sensations of them. You see him above you with your legs over his shoulders, plowing into your cunt with no reserve or hesitation. Visions of you on your stomach also flash through your mind. You picture him with an iron grip on your hips, pumping his thick, meaty cock into your dripping hole over and over and over.
It's enough to bring a moan out of you. Carlos winces at the sound, and he approaches your bed. You're visibly faring worse than him. Maybe it's because you have a puncture wound, and he has a simple scratch. Or maybe it's just a difference in your biology. You're not sure, and there's no way you're going to figure it out while you feel like this.
He cautiously lays a hand on your arm, and you moan again. But this time the sound is so much needier. It echoes between the four walls of this small bedroom, the volume enough to cause concern that you would wake other employees here. He pulls his hand back and looks down at you. Your hips rock on your hand, humping it desperately in an attempt for friction.
Your eyes crack open and cast onto him. You intend to look up at his face, but with where he's standing, right at eye level is the huge tent in his pants.
His cock strains against the gray material. You can see the outline perfectly. The sight makes your mouth water. You don't know what's happening with you. Sure, you'd always found Carlos attractive. Maybe you could say you have a little crush on him, but it was never anything so raw. You thought he was charming more than anything. Never before had you just wanted to tear off both your own and his clothes and start going at it.
He sees where your eyes lock on, and he feels a strong burst of arousal in his stomach.
"Hey, hey. Look at me," he instructs and pushes you by the shoulder onto your back.
You look up into his eyes. Your mind finds peace in them. They're serene and calm and offer a sense of comfort despite every other part of your body going haywire.
Your own hand reaches up and wraps around his wrist. You tug his palm down onto your breast. His brows raise, but he makes no move to pull it away. Instead, he gives the mound a squeeze, relishing the way you arch your back and mewl for him.
"Wait," he tries to resist, tries to be the responsible one, "Are you sure we should... do this kind of stuff? What if it makes this worse? We don't know what's happening yet."
If you weren't so wound up, you'd probably laugh at the way he poses the question. The man who could flirt with you like there was no tomorrow asking if you should do "stuff." But you don't laugh because "stuff" is all you want to do.
"I don't know what's happening. All I know is I need you," you rasp and start pulling his arm more, trying to get his entire body on top of your own.
He half indulges you, beginning to climb on the bed before stopping above you. Looking down at your lust-stricken form, he wants you so bad. His cock leaks precum with the urge to just slip inside. But at the same time, Carlos does like you. Really likes you. It isn't a maybe with him - he has a crush on you. And while thoughts of you spread beneath him happen to be what he jerks off to each morning in the shower, part of him can't help worrying that if he takes advantage of this, things between you two will shift and fracture.
"Are... are you sure?" he asks. Words are hard when your scent clouds the air around him and you look up at him with needy eyes like this.
You want to tell him to stop talking and just fuck you senseless already, but your lust-stricken brain seems to comprehend that in order to get fucked dumb, you have to handle his concerns first.
"I want it. I need you inside me. Please just give it to me," you whine. Your legs squirm, and you tug on him again. He's still hesitant. Looking into his eyes, you whimper, "You'll still be my favorite."
And that's apparently good enough for him. That brief statement of reassurance shatters the thin pane of resistance he had left. After hearing those words, he collapses on top of you in a flurry of passion. His lips collide with yours. He pants against your face and squeezes your hips.
Your tongues meet and slide against each other as your mouths move. One of your hands slides around the back of his head to grip his shaggy, dark locks. He groans and bucks his hips against your thigh. Your other hand rubs his chest, fingers digging into the muscle with desire.
He leans back for a split second and rips off his shirt. Under more delicate circumstances, you probably would have admired his sculpted figure. You would have traced your fingertips along the defined lines of his abs, swirled the delicate pads around his nipples and up to his collarbone.Â
But not right now.
You don't possess the ability to move with that much focus or care right now. Instead, you reach out and pull him back down again, almost crushing yourself with his bulky frame. It's worth it though because you lick up his happy trail, tracing your tongue over the contours of his muscles. He moans from the light touch before scooting down so he can remove your shirt and have access to your breasts.
"Look at these. Fuck," he says in awe. He gropes them, hands rough as they feel up the plump flesh.
He lowers himself on top of you again and kisses down your collarbone to your chest. You whimper as his mouth glides over the swells of your breasts before latching onto one nipple. He sucks with fervor, eyes fluttering shut as he focuses on the task. You gasp and moan. Between your legs, he ruts against the mattress.
His tongue swirls around your stiffening bud. He laves the smooth wetness over it a few times before switching to the other and giving it the same treatment.
"Been wanting to see these tits so fuckin' bad," he mumbles.
"You have?" you whimper, still squirming from the attention directed at your chest.
"Course I have. Those tight little sweaters you wear, the way they bounce every time you fucking move. God, drives me crazy," he mutters.
He spends some more time on your breasts before relenting and shoving down his sweats. His cock all but jumps out, eager for some attention as well.
"I've been wanting to see that so bad," you breathe.
You have to rub your thighs together once you get a look at his length. It's long and meaty just like you predicted. There are prominent veins spanning from the base upward. The tip is already leaking for you, oozing sticky white precum. His heavy balls hang below. All you can think about is how bad you need them drained inside of you.
He tears off your soaked panties and wastes no time slotting himself at your wanting hole. With both of you in frenzies of carnality, there's no teasing. He doesn't rub it over your folds or work himself in. No. In one go, he slams himself inside. A deep, guttural sound rumbles in his chest while a breathy whine erupts from you.
Your eyes roll back while your toes curl down below. You nearly cum from that stroke alone. He just fits you so perfectly. Even through the amorous fog that clouds your mind, you can't help wondering why you didn't do this sooner.
Just like in the flashes you saw minutes ago, his hands clamp around your waist. He doesn't take time to set a pace or give you a few moments to adjust to the girth of him. As soon as he's had the first taste of that warm, wet heat, he's slamming in and out of your little pussy with no thought.
His hot skin slaps against yours. Both of you pant with exertion while the cot below you scrapes against the concrete floor. Your legs bend upwards and you hold them to make sure nothing gets in the way of his thrusts.
Each time his cock slides all the way in, you think you see heaven. Your vision blots with white and then splotches of color. Your brain feels as though it's melting out your ears in the most blissful sensation. You're pretty sure you don't actually need thoughts anymore. Why would you when this seems like the only thing you'll wanna do ever again?
You bounce around with his strength pounding against you. Your head bobbles while your tits sway up and down. His head has been tilted back for a while, but he drops it now to look at the sight of you before him.
"Fuck, baby. You take my dick like you were made for it," he grunts.
Your walls squeeze him tight as a reward for saying that. He groans and fucks into you harder. The rhythm breaks for a moment. He has to slow down to deliver the small collection of particularly harsh thrusts.
With each one, his tip rams further inside you. The fourth one strikes some trigger inside you that rips a yelp from you and rockets you over the edge. Your body shudders hard beneath him while your walls spasm desperately.
"Hnghhh- Carlos- ah! You're fuckinmesogood," you babble out, eyes drooping so much they're practically closed.
You hear him growl above you and then feel his weight collapse onto your body. Your thighs are smooshed between the two of you, keeping you bent in half. He's as deep as physically possible now. That you're certain of. His cock kisses the opening of your womb with each jolt of his pelvis, making you cry out in an intoxicating mix of pleasure and pain.
His head closes in on yours, connecting the two of you in a sloppy kiss. You move without sense. Every action stems from a place of pure desire.
He knows he's getting close. And he also knows he should pull out. But he honestly doesn't know if he can right now. He's burning so hot for you that in his head, the loss of your tight walls wrapped around him may seriously result in death. It doesn't just feel good, it's pure euphoria. He's not even at the peak yet, but this feeling right now is more intense than any orgasm he's had before.
"Fuck-" he growls, trying to work up the will to slide back and burst on your stomach instead. His mouth falls away from yours, landing against the crook of your neck. "You're making this so hard for me, sweetheart," he grumbles.
You're so shaky and blissed out that the words almost pass you by, but his close proximity allows you to catch them. You know what he means without him having to say it because you feel it too. A deep yearning in the most carnal recesses of your soul, a craving for him to sate the most base desire burning within you.
"Just do it," you whimper, lazily rolling your hips up, "Cum inside."
His muscles tense. You can feel them twitching against you.
"Don't say that," he breathes.
A petulant whine seeps from between your lips. You pull him closer by the shoulders with more force, digging your nails into the skin.
"Finish inside, Carlos. Pleaseeeeee," you try again, "I'll worry about it later. Just need you to fill me up so fucking bad."
His resolve chips away piece by piece with each strike from your pleas. Reasons to detach from you that had seemed logical moments ago lose whatever little appeal they had. His mind feels overcome by the desire to pump you full of his release, to fuck his seed deep inside your awaiting cunt, to let it take.
With a rough snap, he throws his head back and groans. His fingers dig into the plush flesh of your hips. The high overcomes him in a powerful blow, whisking the air from his lungs. It makes him feel lightheaded, actions completely guided by impulse created under the influence of whatever that plant had sapped into the two of you.
Hot, thick ropes of cum shoot against your inner walls. You whine at the sensation, eyes fluttering and rolling back in satisfaction. He works it into you over and over till the urge is sated.
Finally, he feels like he won't lose all capability to function if he pulls out. He eases his hips back, slowly freeing himself from the sinful confines of your slick walls. Every inch he reveals shimmers with the combined gloss of his and your fluids. It coats the area between your thighs thoroughly, marking the site of your connection.
While the throbbing in your clit and the burning throughout your bones has lessened, dull remnants of them remain. Your chest puffs up and down as you catch your breath and recover from the intensity of before. The air still feels thick, just less like a landmine than before.
But when you gaze down between the two of you, your eyes land on his cock. He's still fully hard. The shaft stands forward proudly while the tip remains darkened in color. His need for more of you plainly visible to anyone who looked.
Your eyes flit from it up to his eyes, connecting in a tentative stare. The question between the two of you is left unspoken. Neither of you really need the words to understand that you both want more.
His hands fly to your waist again and flip you over onto your stomach. Your face squishes against the pillows as he boosts your hips to the right angle and slides right back inside. You whine at the intrusion, fingers gripping the pillow for some way to ground yourself.
He gives your ass a firm smack before leaning forward and boxing you in beneath him. You have no way of knowing for sure, but you're almost certain the thrusts reach deeper now. He's moving at the same frantic pace from before, yet every stroke feels like it bumps a sweet spot within you. That or you're just more sensitive from your previous release.
You can hear him panting in your ear as he pounds you into the mattress. Every small grunt and soft growl drifts out behind your head.
"Fuck... think we should just do this till we're all better," he murmurs and nips at your shoulder.
"Mhm," you whine, arching your back and pushing your hips against him further. The next set of words comes out slurred and muffled both from your position against the pillow and the blurry state of your mind. "Never wanna stop. Just want you all the time."
He huffs out a laugh. "Yeah? That's what you wanna do, huh? Let me fuck you nonstop? Use you till you can't fucking move anymore? Breed you till I've had my fill?"
You mewl sharply and nod eagerly. "Uh huh, give it all to me till- ah! mmm... till we're both better," you whimper.
Skin continues slapping against skin in the otherwise quiet of the room. In the back of your mind, you wonder how far down the hall the sound echoes. It's a fleeting thought though, quickly overwhelmed by the repeated thoughts of how good you feel.
"Yeah? Maybe a baby in your belly is what you need. Maybe that's what we're supposed to do. Can't get this thing out of our system till we meet nature's demands," he rasps.
He doesn't even know what he's saying. He assumes the sudden desire to procreate comes from the infection, but the words feel as though they blossom from somewhere deeper. Whatever the case, it's obvious you like them. You clamp around his cock like you're trying to drain him dry.
"I'd probably fuck you like this every night if I saw you nice and round with my baby, sweetheart. Fuck, you'd look so good. Swollen in all the right places, aching for me to take care of you," he mumbles out.
"Give it to me. Want it so bad. Wanna... mmm fuck," you trail off, panting out the lasts of your desires.
The peak builds much faster for you two this time around. You squeeze around him till your rhythmic convulsions devolve into a burst of spasms. His thrusts land hard throughout his high, but you feel his muscles tense as he pumps another load into you.
Drops of his spend leak from your cunt and smear against both of your skin. This time he doesn't even bother pulling out. He knows he's still hard and that he has one, if not more, rounds in him. He keeps fucking you hard, through your cries of overstimulation and desperate squirming.
The rest of the night is a blur. You don't count how many times you go at it or keep track of the variety of positions you do it in. You know at one point you were on top, at another your head dangled off the edge of the mattress and bobbled around like that of a doll's. The intense passion and lust pervades all memories and casts the experience in a hazy fog.
All you're sure of is that now you feel better. For the moment, the two of you are satisfied, your bodies no longer alive with an electric craving for one another. Your head rests on his chest while the rest of you presses against his side. His hand rubs up and down your back in lazy, thoughtless strokes.
Neither of you say anything. Dashes of sunlight begin to shine through the windows that sit high on the wall. Both of you bask in the calm of the moment as you grapple with what happened.
"You think that cured us?" he asks softly after a while.
You pause before shrugging. "Can't say for sure, we'll have to wait and see," you say, looking up at him.
Somewhere inside of you, you believe that was it. That was the magic fix. You're almost certain that you fucked whatever that was out of your systems, but you want to be honest with him. Still, you can't help offering a little reassurance.
"We'll be ok," you say with a small smile.
He returns it. "If you're the one taking care of me, I don't doubt that," he teases.
You hum and squeeze your arms around his waist. Questions of a changed relationship status or potential future together going forward plague your mind, but you know it's not the time. If your supervisors hadn't heard the racket coming from in here, they'd realize something was up as soon as you and Carlos emerged from the same bedroom. You decide to take what semblance of peace with him you can get before having to face a possible onslaught of hazmat suits and probing tests.
Your eyes flutter shut as the beating of his heart lulls you into a state of peace. Even without the confirmation, you aren't worried about your connection. You're pretty confident that he'll be more than just your favorite patient in the coming weeks.
#divider by cafekitsune#carlos oliveira x reader#carlos oliveira smut#carlos oliveira x you#resident evil x reader#resident evil smut#resident evil imagines#resident evil x you
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People have to understand that, as soon as you are in a callout, you are marked, and are labelled with a discrediting attribute that you're burdened with. This reduces and delegitimazes your voice and your ability to be trusted and interacted with, leading to being ostracized and excluded. That is the point of the callout. After being marked and labelled, those who aren't stigmatized will avoid contact with the "stigma bearer." When marked, anytime the stigma bearer is recognized, they generate a response of aversion and disgust in those who have seen or are aware of the callout, which they rationalize and justify through the notion that those who receive callouts "deserved it"
This way, the stigma is seen by others as transferable by association and as a threat that's understood as a fair and legitimate reason to keep a safe distance, as to avoid becoming a stigma bearer. When those who aren't associated, and are sufficiently separated from the stigma bearer, support and defend the stigmatized, they become "infected" by association. But, those directly marked will always be affected the most, as they're exposed first and more widely. When labelled as a stigma bearer, the perception of you being unsafe is spread around as a warning, which is done under the guise of maintaining the safety and sanctity of the community
People don't even have to believe in the callout for the stigma to work. They don't even have to see the original post, if others relay the information through other means. Once the stigma is created, it stays almost permanently. When the callout has been around for long enough misinformation will also become easier to spread, as the original source is harder to track, and it becomes "common knowledge." It may even become in fuel for another callout, creating a history or track record, as "they were already called out before." This is why the callout is inherently effective. The callout is designed to be a weapon first, making sure it damages and stigmatizes the "brand" of a user. This way, their url, name, mutuals, posts and even profile picture bear the stigma
This policing of "bad actors" is weaponized to get rid of those that are undesirable within the community, and callouts are used against those that are marginalized, as they usually lack the social resources to retaliate, and because they're seen as "reasonably capable" of doing what they're accused of. Those that divert from the norm are also the most likely to be in risk of suffering real life consequences when separated from their communities and support nets, and callouts are intentionally made to socially murder them and their brand. This is why these warnings are shared "just in case," so people can feel morally righteous for defending the community, as it is easier than taking tangible actions to stop actual issues
Callout post are designed and intentionally spread to socially murder others, and the more likely the targets are believed to be guilty, the more effective the callout post is. People will only jump to defend targets of callouts when they're sure they're innocent (which you can only know if you personally know who's being targeted). But nobody deserves callout posts, and thinking that people who are guilty deserve them too, perpetuates this problem, and is part of the reason why callouts are so effective. Callouts don't stop abusers or abuse
Evidence will be fabricated, people will lie, spread rumors, and things will be blown out of proportions, but, even if the accusations are real, ask yourself what narrative a callout is fabricating. People making callouts know that most victims of them haven't actually harmed anyone, so they instead paint them as groups that "have the potential to harm others." You're left to fill in the blanks with whatever morally repugnant thing they could've done. Just the suggestion of possible fault and wrongdoing will make most people react with aversion and disgust, and this is enough to turn a target into a stigma bearer. People will avoid them, because the feeling of rejection is strong enough to rationalize stigma bearers as abusers
The weaponization of "the truth" is also an issue in itself. People making callouts will lie, and then it's on the stigma bearer to prove that's a lie, but only to their audience. It's also specially difficult for a stigma bearer, because they have to prove they didn't do something, and how do you prove you didn't do it when your voice is being put into question by the callout? Once the callout is out there, any statement in it will be taken at face value and spread, unless challenged or ignored. Focusing on "what parts are true" is also a weapon of the callout, as the debate of the validity of a callout also helps it to spread, as stigma bearers want to clear their names, but this leads to curiosity in onlookers, which spreads the stigma
When you're targeted by a callout post (and survive the social isolation), you don't learn a lesson, you don't grow, you're not allowed to change and be reintroduced to your community. It doesn't matter if you're innocent or guilty, because people don't even have to believe a callout post in order to act on the implicit call to action and harassment. If others consider you a danger you will be isolated and bullied, sometimes to the point of suicide, and the people who decided to target you will consider this a victory. Callouts aren't interested in rehabilitation and growth, they're not interested in questioning the institutions and contexts that allow for the abuse of power and real harm to be done. Callouts are a means for quickly obtaining social capital for removing "bad actors" and keeping the community "clean"
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The Narcissistic Abuse Believer To New Age/Alt-Right Conspiracy Theorist Pipeline
Letâs say that you are an abuse survivor. Letâs say that you had an abusive parent and/or ex. Letâs say youâre looking for support for abuse survivors, and a lot of the things youâre finding reference the concept of narcissistic abuse. You read more on the topic and begin to identify with a lot of what narcissistic abuse is supposed to be. You think to yourself âyes! this is exactly what I went through!â You research more about narcissists, how to spot them, what makes them tick, all the ways in which they would use and abuse you. You may not even know that NPD is a real disorder. You may not realize that narcissists are, more often than not, survivors of abuse just like you. Maybe youâre just genuinely misinformed. Maybe you just donât care. A lot of people are here on the pipeline. Granted, this is not a good place to be (nowhere on the pipeline is) as itâs still incredibly harmful to pwNPD, but this is only the beginning.
Enter the Empath. The empath is allegedly a figure who experiences great empathy and compassion and, in turn, seeks to help others. They are generally portrayed as a kind and loving figure. Likewise, the Narcissist is the opposite. Theyâre evil manipulative abusers who only seek out vulnerable people to hurt, while not caring about the needs or feelings of others. Youâve been doing research for a while, and so you obviously know about the Empath. Letâs say youâve internalized this idea that the Empath and the Narcissist are juxtaposed figures. Now, letâs take it a step further and say youâve begun to believe that they have supernatural powers and that they use these powers for good/evil depending on their alignment. Letâs even say that you believe thereâs a war going on between the two, that the empaths have to stop the narcissists from enacting their evil onto the world.
Supernatural powers like:
One very important thing we need to understand is that in New Age belief, The Empath and The Narcissist are two very particular figures that play a role in the belief system. To them, itâs not a disorder, itâs something else entirely. You might have noticed that the way some people talk about narcissists is wrapped up in spiritual, new agey language. Many years ago, I came across a YouTube channel that, in hindsight, was very new agey and ableist. I go back to that channel and what is the second video I see?
And if we go down a little further?
Spiritual language. Comparing us to demons, claiming weâre here to sabotage people on their (likely spiritual) paths. That is what a narcissist is in New Age belief. Empaths are here to do good and narcissists are here to do evil.
Now hereâs where we get to the good part. If you reject the inherent truth that anyone has the capability of choosing to be a good or bad person, and instead believe that thereâs a group of people sent here to do good and a group of people sent here to do evil, then I honestly donât believe youâre too far off from believing in Starseeds vs Reptillians.
Starseeds are a concept founded in fascism, antisemitism, and white supremacy. It is believed that there is an ongoing spiritual war between the starseeds and the Reptillians, a group said to have been secretly running various organizations on Earth for thousands of years (sound familiar?) The starseeds want to help the Earth ascend to a new age, 5D, the Age of Aquarius, whatever you want to call it, while the Reptillians essentially want to keep that from happening. Honestly, just replace empaths with starseeds and narcissists with Reptillians and itâs pretty much the exact same thing. To New Agers, thereâs practically no difference. And once youâve made it to New Age territory, you might as well be knocking on the alt-rightâs door.
Thereâs so much more about starseeds and Reptillians, and honestly New Age in general, that I just canât fit into this post, but if you want to learn more, creature-wizard is a good blog with a lot of resources on the subject. I understand that itâs fun to joke about the ridiculous things people say about us (demons and such) but itâs also important to recognize how deeply dangerous narcissistic abuse rhetoric is, and that it leads to nowhere good for anyone. New Age ideology has always been ableist and eugenicist, and itâs been talked about how âstarseed signsâ are just autistic/ADHD traits, but I feel like the anti narc ableism also needs to be acknowledged. Iâll leave off with this:
If you genuinely believe in narcissistic abuse, then you are on this pipeline. Think long and hard about whether or not this is really where you want to be
#actually neurodivergent#actually cluster b#actually narcissistic#actually npd#cluster b safe#npd safe#new age#narc abuse isn't real
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I think a lot about the Concept of âchoices that matterâ in video games. Like, in terms of what it is that makes a choice âreally matterâ, what do we perceive as a choice that matters or has a consequence, how do different games with different amounts of branching or non-branching storylines play with those ideasâŚÂ Especially because Undertale is one of my favorite games of all time, and it has often been hyped as âa game where your choices REALLY matterâ and⌠honestly, I dunno if all of this hype was fully conducive to Undertale. Because the way it handles the concept of Video Game Choices is actually a lot more interesting and complex than that simplistic descriptor makes it seem.
Because Undertale actually has a lot of choices that âdonât really matterâ! Lots of dialogue choices and silly little decisions that on a first playthrough seem like theyâre some sort of moral choice or a branching plotline but end up always leading to basically the same result regardless of what you do!
And the game doesnât really try to hide the fact that these choices are kinda 'Fake'. I mean, on a first playthrough a player might assume thereâs gonna be some Massive Consequences for picking the âwrongâ drink on Undyneâs date, but the gameâs narrative expects for there to be multiple playthroughs and pretty much every Choice that Doesnât Matter is peppered with that Undertale brand of wacky character-focused humor that inherently makes the moment memorable. Papyrus leading Undyne straight to you no matter what you do is basically a cross-timeline running gag.
On some level I see this as a sort of gag that serves as meta-commentary about the expectations around Choices That Matter in Video Games. As in, a lot of games have their Moral Choices happen in clearly easily marked âthis is a Moral Choice!â moments within the story, while the actual gameplay (and any violence the player might cause as part of said gameplay) is basically entirely divorced from any element of narrative-branching and doesn't effect the story at all. Undertale basically entirely inverts this dynamic; the most important factor for which Route youâre own is how you handle your FIGHTs, and what seems like clearly-marked and obvious Moral Choices are just goofy insubstantial minor changes in dialogue.Â
But also⌠there is also a level where you must ask yourself âwhat does it mean when we say that these choices Donât Matterâ. I mean, itâs not like they didn't change anything about the game, the Player still made the character say that other thing, the choice probably led to an alternate piece of dialogue, probably a joke with a call-back at the end of the game⌠The line between a one-off joke and an actual story-changing moment can be a little blurry if you look at it too deeply.
For example, near the end of the Waterfall part of the game, the Player is given the choice to save Monster Kid even at the risk of having to face down Undyne.
Pretty much anyone who isnât deliberately trying to be an asshole is going to rush to save them and obviously that includes the Pacifist Route Players. But you can actually leave Monster Kid to die without it 'mattering' in the sense that it wouldn't divert you from the Pacifist Route. Undyne saves them instead of you, and ends up with slightly less HP for her battle (which might Matter for Runs when you try and FIGHT her but obviously not in Pacifist Runs) and⌠by the end of the game, during the extremely happy True Pacifist Ending, they still clearly remember that you abandoned them and are upset by it.
So⌠does saving Monster Kid âmatterâ or not? On one hand, choosing not to save them mostly just changes a few lines of dialogue but⌠these lines of dialogue kinda recontextualize this happy ending and the Playerâs actions in general. Despite the True Pacifist Ending otherwise portraying the Player/Frisk as a kind-hearted and brave hero... they still did this undeniably cowardly (and perhaps even cruel) act to one of their friends .
Was running away and leaving Monster Kid to die a brief but significant moment of weakness that the Player regrets and has cost them what couldâve been the start of a lovely friendship? Or is that simply that being a True Pacifist was always more of a matter of pragmatism rather than ideals? Were they only acting as a Pacifist to get that promised 'Best Ending', and only Monster Kid has an inkling they are not as heroic or kind as everyone thinks they are?
And then thereâs the Snowman âquestâ.
A free healing item given early in the game, with your mission being to carry it along in your inventory for as long as you can without ever consuming it. The only reward you will ever see from it is a few lines of dialogueâŚ
But for many, it is more than enough of an incentive to preserve the Snowmanâs Piece. You can do whatever you want with the Snowman without it âmatteringâ in terms of Ending or consequences. You could carry it through all of your adventures with care and kindness... or you could eat it while he canât see you and then go back to him and tell him that you âlostâ it and then get another piece and eat that as well, you could eat it right in front of his face, horrifying him.Â
And much like with Monster Kid, you can STILL get the True Pacifist Ending after doing that, all that would change is a few optional pieces of dialogue from the SnowmanâŚÂ
And a total recontextualization of the Playerâs behavior and the ending. The Snowman sees the Player as a cruel and heartless person who is just pretending to be good so they can be liked - the way they acted with this immobile, powerless Snowman who could do nothing for them and their reputation reveals their true self. And he says their friends will realize that too one day...
Doing a True Reset on the Pacifist Ending is, by definition, a (almost) consequence-free action and yet it changes future Pacifist Routes immeasurably. Turning the Player into a Hypocrite doing the exact same thing they were trying to stop Flowey/Asriel from doing - trapping all of their friends into a time-loop so they can play with them forever while never actually letting them to enjoy freedom on the surface, simply because they are not willing to move on or put their friends' wishes and agency above their own. Nothing in the game actually changes, not one character can even suspect that you did something like that, and yet for the Player - this choice makes the entire Meaning of the game flip on its head.Â
Even the most famous and heavily-toted Big Consequence in the whole game - selling your soul to Chara after completing a Murder Route⌠mostly what it does is just⌠recontextualize the ending of the Game.
As a game, âUndertaleâ is very much about the ways in which a Player engages with a game can radically recontextualize it. The huge chasm of difference between the Pacifist and Muder Routes is just the most literal example of it. But, in a way, even the tiny little Dialogue Options - where the lack of real choice and consequences is Obviously a Joke - matter. Because of the way they can recontextualize the Player Characterâs behavior.
(Okay, maybe not this one, but hear me outâŚ)
Do you trust Papyrus to not betray you, even after you spied on him with Undyne?
Do you have the integrity to admit you forgot something or got it wrong even when thereâs no consequences for just lying about it?
Are you a hypocrite for trying to get Alphys to be truthful with Undyne only to then immediately turn around and lie to Undyne yourself? Â
None of these choices matter for the ending, some of them donât even get, like, a call-back joke or anything, but⌠if you are engaged in this story as a narrative, if you are invested in these characters as if they were people, if you are honestly trying to be the best person you can be, if you are trying to self-reflect at the way you approach this game⌠even the silliest little dialogue option can suddenly be imbued with deep implications and you can make them matter.Â
Undertale is one of the best demonstrations of this concept, but this is absolutely not exclusive to it. For exampleâŚ.
âAce Attorneyâ is pretty much as far away as you can get from a âbranching narrativeâ within the video game sphere. It is a heavily-linear Visual Novel where 70% of the time it wonât even let you talk to random characters at anything but the exact order it expects you to and any âBad Endingsâ are basically just glorified Game Over Screens. (... because this is the Internet and something something piss on the poor, I should probably specify that I am talking about âAce Attorneyâ because I love Ace Attorney and these are neutral descriptions of the game and not complaints. Thereâs nothing wrong with a game being linear.)Â
If thereâs any Dialogue Choice in AA, itâs generally a very basic âright answer-wrong answerâ choice between Progress and a Penalty, or a total non-choice that just gets you to the same final result regardless. Except⌠Well⌠as we just talked about, getting to the same final result doesnât necessarily mean a choice is âmeaninglessâ, does it?
Thereâs actually a lot of great storytelling moments where Ace Attorney, despite its otherwise strict linearity, uses this exact sort of recontextualizing mindset Iâve talked about with Undertale to make choices with some really powerful emotional impactâŚ. Even if technically, the ending is the same ending. It can be something as basic as âeven if picking this Wrong Answer doesnât get me a penalty, it still embarrassed my character and disappointed my friends/rivals and thus I feel bad for picking itâ. Consequences as recontextualizing your character as more incompetent than they shouldâve come across at that moment.
And then thereâs moments like the iconic ending of âJustice for Allâ. That moment before Franziska bursts into the Courtroom with the case-making evidence and saves the day. The moment where it seems like Phoenix really is gonna have to pick between protecting his best friend and carrying out a rightful sentence.
The player gets to pick between the two options, but Phoenix never gets to say his choice out loud before Franziska comes running in... and yet⌠he, and the player, still made that choice. Even if no one ever has to experience the consequences of your choice, even if the rest of the world has no idea what Phoenix Wright wouldâve chosen if the Miracle hadnât happened, we know what we picked and that knowledge of the choice matters. Because of how we feel about this choice and what it says about our interpretation of Phoenix⌠and about us.
Thereâs also a bit of this ludonarrative device in âThe Great Ace Attorney: Adventuresâ. During âThe Adventures of the Runaway Roomâ, when you investigate the Omnibus for the second time and start finding things that⌠donât quite fit together. When youâre finally starting to make progress with proving McGildedâs innocence, while also maybe starting to notice that something is⌠wrong with these pieces of evidence.Â
The unchanging linear narrative of the game is that Ryunosuke does eventually realizes McGilded's trickery, puts truth ahead of victory in court and yet, despite his effort and good intentions - the case still ends with a false Not Guilty verdict. And yet, the Player has the choice to... tweak the details.
There are several points where Ryunosuke can object, where he can call out the inconsistencies even though they help his case, where he can support Van Zieks in his accusations of tempered evidence... or he can not. Not necessarily intentionally misleading the Court as much as subconsciously trying to ignore the inconsistencies in the name of trusting his client.
And yet⌠in the end it doesnât matter. Maybe Susato calls out the inconsistency instead of him, maybe Van Zieks does, maybe it remains uncontested but... no matter what you do, the case will end with a Not Guilty verdict (I mean, I guess you can deliberately fail the game but that will not progress the plot), McGilded doesnât seem like he held a grudge (in the few minutes he had left to live), and a few cases later - Ryunosuke would always be punished for his part at this false verdict.
So it doesnât really matter what Ryunosuke did back then? Does it matter if he did his best and called out every single inconsistencies or if he kinda half-assed it until he (and the Player) had to? Heâs still going to suffer the same consequences down the line. And yetâŚ.
And yet, I think thereâs something so powerful about giving us that option. About knowing that Ryunosuke, and we, did try and do something about McGilded's dirty tricks- even if it didnât work. Or alternative, knowing that there was more that Ryunosuke and us couldâve done even if it was not nearly enough. Even if in the eyes of the game and the British Justice system there is no difference, the fact that we know what did and what we couldâve done can radically change the way the player feels about all of the later scenes concerning the truth about McGildedâs trial. It can radically change the way the player interpret Ryunosukeâs feelings about it as well.
Because even though the game itself keeps playing along with the same script regardless, that trial had irrevocable consequences for the Player.
#undertale#ace attorney#ut#utdr#undertale analysis#undertale meta#ace attorney meta#the great ace attorney#under tale#tgaa#tgaac#dai gyakuten saiban#tgaa1#gaac#great ace attorney#aa2#justice for all#aa jfa#ace attorney jfa#farewell my turnabout#ace attorney justice for all#aa justice for all#phoenix wright#ace attorney trilogy#aa trilogy#phoenix wright trilogy#pwaa#phoenix wright ace attorney#gyakuten saiban
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kinktober : oct 24th
leon kennedy x consensual somnophilia
it was never something leon would have ever considered.
sex was always something leon would do with you, not to you â and he wanted it that way. he loved making you beg for it, loved watching your reactions, loved watching you start off shy and end up a mouthy mess, barely making any sense. it was part of the fun.
heâd been coming home late as of recently, either called out onto some kind of ridiculous mission, or stacked high with paperwork that kept him back after hours working overtime. he was making great money, you couldnât complain â leon using his overtime earnings to spoil you like you deserved, but it was stealing the most valuable thing of all from you, and that was him.
you were needy, needed his physical affection, his cock bruising your insides and strong arms wrapped around you grounding you â reminding you that he was here, and yours, and safe. it just wasnât possible lately, only seeing him in the mornings before heâd leave. you tried really hard to stay awake when heâd get home, yawning and rubbing your eyes as youâd text him and tell himâ but youâd usually get hit with the âYou need your rest, baby. Go to sleep.â text response and who are you to argue? you couldnât if you tried, often falling asleep with the lamp on, sprawled atop the sheets. his tired frame would find you like that when he returns home, shaking his head with a tired chuckle and tucking you in. leon looks after you like that.
youâd awoken with a plan, waking up earlier than leonâs alarm and padding into the kitchen to make him breakfast before he leavesâ making his morning easier by laying out his clothes, his badge, his wallet â really playing at housewife, which you both enjoyed.
he was smiling sleepily when he found you in the kitchen, serving up his food to go so that he wasnât late.
âwhats all this, hm?â he smirks as he approaches you, pulling you toward him by the hips and pressing a grateful kiss to the centre of your forehead.
âjust wanna treat you right, i know youâre working hard and youâre tired⌠i miss you though.â you exhale slowly, still sleepy yourself as you burrow your cheek to his chest. his heart pangs a little at your sad tone, stroking down the back of your dishevelled head.
âi know, sweetheart. iâm sorry iâve been so busy, works been hectic lately but things should be clearing up soon. then i can take some time off, spend time with my number one.â his sympathetic tone fades to a grin, running a thumb over your cheek when you smile with him.
ââkay.â you seem satisfied, walking him to the door, watching him pull his fur lined jacket on to protect him from the chilly winter weather outside. the jacket makes him seem even bigger than he is, which makes you bite back a needy giggle as you hand him his brown paper bag with his breakfast inside.
âalright, baby. thanks for the food. iâll be back later.â he pinches your chin affectionately. âwheres my kiss?â he tilts his head a little with a playful smirk, and you donât wait another second before standing on your tiptoes and planting a kiss to his lips, savouring the feeling knowing youâll miss him all day. it was then time to propose your plan.
you pull back, and he goes to step away but you speak, as casually as possible.
âoh, and leon. if you come home and you need me, you can use me whilst i sleep if youâd like. i donât wear panties to bed.â you smile innocently, before pulling back fully. âsee you later!â you usher him out as he stares back in shock, not giving him time to respond. you all but kick him out as you giggle, going about your day.
heâd thought about it a lot that day.
he couldnât do that to you, right? use you whilst you slept. it was⌠degrading. inherently wrong. his sweet girl, unaware of his touch. and yet, you were so willing, the look in your eyes when youâd permit him access to you whilst you slept haunted him all day. youâd tried to play it cool, but leon knew you too well â knew that needy, neglected look in your eyes. you were practically begging to be touched. had it really been that long?
heâd arrived home late as usual, and by the time he did, with all the work that had been lumped onto him heâd pretty much forgotten momentarily about that morning, that was until he entered the bedroom.
itâs like youâd set the scene perfectly for him.
he puffs out his cheeks a little as he exhales, running hands over his cheeks like he was trying to wipe off water. you were there, fast asleep on the bed wearing just his t-shirt. the blankets had been kicked down to just cover one foot, bunching up on your other side â and your leg was cocked up as you lay on your stomach. he creeps further into the room, sighing at how beautiful you looked illuminated only by the bright moonlight. his tshirt had ridden up, revealing your plump ass and glistening wet cunt in the low light. poor thing, he thinks â youâd gone to bed all needy.
heâs surprised the sound of his belt clinking as he undoes it doesnât wake you, usually having a rather pavlovian effect on you to make you salivate whenever you hear it. he still feels slightly guilty despite the clear permission youâd given ringing bright and new in his memory. there was nothing wrong with just getting comfy and laying beside his girl, right?
he wedges himself gently behind you, still wearing his clothes, and in your sleep you habitually shuffle up closer to him, pressing your bare ass against his cock. he winces, hand coming up to caress the skin there. âfuck.â he murmurs, cock hard in his jeans.
maybe he could just jerk himself off, right here beside you. that wasnât so bad, right? he pulls his pants and boxers down to his knees and quickly gets to work, the other hand carefully pinching the material of his tshirt and lifting it slowly to reveal more skin to him. he inhales, jaw slacking a little at the sight of your curves as he touches himselfâ and he feels himself getting more desperate. whatâs the harm in playing with you just a little?
he slows his movements on his own cock, bringing his hand slowly to your ass again, rubbing soothing circles on the skin. his hand creeps from there to between your legs, his fingers experimentally swiping through your soaked folds. you mustâve prepared yourself before you slept. a wave of heat rushed through him as he wondered if you went to bed this wet every night since heâd been working so much and not pleasing you. without thought his fingers slide up to your clit, giving it a few affectionate rubs like he usually would. you whine sleepily and he shushes you.
âitâs okay baby, itâs me.â
you donât seem to stir, and his blood is fucking pumping. he leans over you, using his strong arm to hold himself up and swipes his tip through your folds, coating himself in your slick. âso god damn wet.â he hisses, brows knitting. he gets himself into a comfortable position before pushing himself a little just past the tip.
you cry out a little into the pillow, and he hears himself shushing you again. âi know sweet girl, just me.â he sighs, pressing his forehead against your back.
he keeps you like that for a while, arm trembling a little whilst he holds himself up. you just feel so good, swallowing half of him â and he realises just how pent up heâs been since heâd been working overtime. he slowly bottoms out, letting out the most pornographic yet quiet moan, perfectly forming an âughâ sound in the air as you squeeze around him. he starts to grind in and out of you, and only then you stir â always the heavy sleeper.
you let out a disorientated yet pleased whine, clenching down hard as your consciousness comes to the surface. leon, mounting you still, wraps one thick arm beneath your stomach, effortlessly holding you to him as if you were a pillow or a stuffed animal â the other thick forearm wedged itself beneath you to work at your clit, light but slightly frenzied circles pressed against it. you let out a sleepy sob, drool painting your chin as your noises come out muffled to the pillow.
âyouâre okay, pretty girl. sâjust me remember. fuck. you still sure you want me up in here?â you feel his clothed stomach against your back.
âmhm!â you rasp, barely awake just drifting in and out of what felt like a perfect wet dream.
soon youâre clenching down hard again, almost trapping his movement. he lets you hump your clit on the heel of his hand as he tried his hardest to look round at you from his position. âyou wanna cum on it, baby? yeah?â he cooes, slightly whiny and high pitched signalling he wasnât far behind you. âsuch a good girl giving yourself to me like this. gonna treat you all fuckinâ night, make up for lost time.â he really is whining now, the soft sounds of his pelvis clapping against your ass filling the room.
you snuggle against him as best as you can, eyes squeezing shut as you feel yourself waking up properly to a hearty orgasm on your boyfriends thick cock.
but leon wasnât done yet. needless to say, he was tired at work the next day.
#leon kennedy smut#leon kennedy drabble#leon kennedy prompt#leon kennedy x reader#resident evil smut#leon resident evil smut#kinktober 2023
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Deny Me
Pairing: Simon 'Ghost' Riley x f!Reader
Summary: â'Iâm fine,' you squared your shoulders, as if adjusting your posture was all it would take to convince the men around you that you were sturdy. 'I could understand a couple weeksâI could understand a month. But six weeks isâthatâs appalling. It's not fair.'â
Warnings: Allusions to smut (masturbation) (minors DNI!!!!), canon typical violence, detailed descriptions of wounds, hospital imagery, allusions to PTSD, reader experiences panic attacks and a bout of depersonalization, smoking, implied age gap (ages not mentioned), enemies to frenemies to lovers, hurt/comfort, eventual smut, I know little to nothing about how the military works, if I missed anything please let me know!!
AN: So. Um. Never played COD. Barely understand the various plot lines it follows. But I DO understand that a man in a mask is inherently sexy. And that is my truth! Part two here <3
You hated Simon âGhostâ Riley.
With every fiber of your being, you hated him.
You hated how he was so quick to pull rank; how swiftly his friends became his subordinates.
You hated the way he always spoke with such a cold, calculated indifference.
You hated the way he squared his shoulders to remind everybody of his stature; his status.
You hated his Britishisms, the way the pet names rolled off his tongue in your direction. And from anybody else, you might be fine with it, but when he called you sweetheart it made your stomach roll over itself.
You couldnât tell why.
You hated how rookies acted as if he were some semi-legendary Adonis beneath his stupid fucking maskâwhich youâd also grown to hate.
You knew what he looked like under the balaclava; under the skull faceplate that made his eyes look so sunken and so attentive.
And who cares that his features matched so nicely? Who cares that his profile was just as carved as the rest of him? Who cares that the deep scars that crisscrossed over his left cheek looked almost silver under the fluorescent lighting of the barracks?
It didnât matter that he was handsome. It didnât matter that it was his face you thought about late at night, alone in your bed.
Certainly, he was no Adonis.
You hated the smirk in his voice, and the crease between his eyes, and the piercing edge of his gaze.
You hated that you knew, deep down, that your dislike of him was born out of convenience; that you loathed him for all the reasons that, in another life, you wouldâve thrown yourself at him with open arms.
You hated that you knew you had become dead set on despising him because it was easier than the alternative.
He was an acquaintance, at bestâa coworker youâd grab a beer with, under different circumstances. Mostly, though, he was a pain in the ass, and a detriment to your sanity.
You hated Ghost more by the second.
So why was it that, as you came to, bleeding out on the hard ground, he was the only thing you could think about.
You heard voices above you, a droning cacophony of accents and alarm that overlapped with each other, dissolving as they mingled with the ringing in your ears.
âTook a beatingââ
ââfucking exploded before weâ"
ââman down, but sheâsââ
ââwas beyond fucked.â
âSheâs breathing,â you recognized Kyleâs voice above the panicked yelling. âSoapâsheâs up.â
The first thing you noticed was how dry your mouth was, and a viscidness that clung to your side.
You tried to sit up, pushing back on your elbows against the dirt beneath you, and were met with a sharpness that ran up your lungs. You winced, coughing dry pain.
Your vision was blurryâalmost watery, as if you were trapped beneath a sheet of ice and looking up through it. Still, you managed to track Gazâs movements as he approached at a cautious speed to kneel beside you.
âDonât moveââ He held his hands out in front of him, trying to encourage you to lie still without having to touch you. âWhereâs the worst of it?â
You stared at him blankly, only half registering his words.
âEverywhere,â you wheezed, and there was that same pain shooting up your lungs again, back with a vengeance. You squeezed your eyes shut, âRibs. Left side.â
âJohnny!â Gazâs voice carried in a way that made your skull vibrate, and you shuddered.
âCâmere, lass,â even in your sorry state, Soapâs accent was hard to miss. He gave Gaz a pat on the shoulder, encouraging him to stand and replacing him by your side. âTake yer kit off.â
âBuy meâme a fuckingâŚâ you heaved, âDrinkâŚfirstâŚâ
âAye, sheâs fine!â Johnny laughed, throwing a smile over his shoulder, though the wrinkles near his eyes werenât deep enough for it to be sincere. âYer bleedinâ. Need t'let me dress the wound, Sergeant.â
You stared up at him, possibly concussed; definitely shell-shocked.
You swallowed the bile that rose in the back of your throat, trying to remember how youâd gotten here.
There had been open fire; there had been movement, and a tense argument between yourself and Ghost about who should lead the charge; there had been a brief period of satisfaction after youâd convinced him to let you stay up front.
There had been landmines.
âNae, look here, lassâstay awake,â Soap snapped his fingers in front of your face. You must have begun to fade out when you tried to recall the details. He reached to unclip your chest rig, âYer kitââ
âNo.â you shook your head, and it made you feel like vomiting, but you didnât stop. You felt a deep-seated dread pulse down your spine, and you needed answers.
You needed one answer.
âLT?â You looked at Soap, who stared back at you with a sympathetic frown, confused. âWhereâsâwhereâs Ghost?â
âOi,â a heavy boot stomped the dirt a few inches above your head, âLook up.â
And there he wasâseemingly unscathed. It made your stomach burn, a sloppy mixture of frustration and something else. Maybe disappointment, maybe embarrassment.
Maybe.
If he had done things his way, it would probably be him on the ground right now. And if you could just hurry up and die, you wouldnât have to eat your words about being able to front the line.
How long had he been standing there, anyway?
Your voice was shaky as you addressed him.
âWantââ you rasped, âWant you to do it.â
Soap exhaled audibly through his nose, glancing up at Simon with sharp eyes through a furrowed brow.
If words were exchanged, you didnât hear them; and when Ghost took Johnnyâs spot on the ground next to you, you didnât see it happen, once again fading out.
âGotta open your fuckinâ eyes, sweetheart.â Ghostâs words snapped you back to attention. He said it as if he were chastising you for forcing your way to the front of the line and, successively, getting yourself blown up.
You wanted to argue, tell him it was his fault for yielding to your demands, but all you could do was look up at him while he stripped you of your chest rig and pressed down hard around the sticky spot on your side. The action made your muscles flex, and you clenched your jaw through the unbearable pain that ran through you.
You mightâve grabbed at his forearm, but your body was numbing itself too quickly to register your own movements.
The last thing you saw were his eyes, almost frantic as he scanned your body.
But it couldnât have been real fearâlikely a figment of your imagination. Something to focus on as your body grew colder. Probably just a trick of the mask.
You wanted to rip it off.
~~~
You woke hesitantly.
You felt cold, but it was only skin deep; nothing like the chill that had infiltrated your bones when youâd started losing blood.
With a shallow sigh, you opened your eyes.
The infirmary.
You felt a level of reassurance in knowing that, if you died now, at least it would be in the comfort of a medical cot and not on the ground in the middle of nowhere.
There was an IV stuck into the crook of your elbow, padded with cotton and medical tape to keep it in place. You couldnât feel it, but you winced at the thought of the needle in your arm, and the bruises that were scattered around it.
âMorning.â You registered Gaz sitting on a chair next to the cot.
You breathed, happy to see him. He didnât look tired, didnât look concernedâyou wondered if you had even been here for more than a few hours.
You shifted, propping yourself up with your pillow. The pain that had been plaguing your side seemed to have been reduced to a dull pulse, but you still huffed at the feeling as you resituated yourself.
There was a piece of fabricâa shirtâdraped over your stomach that you didnât recognize. You tugged at a loose string on the hem, noticing the blood stains that had crusted over the material.
It didnât bother you; it was probably your blood.
âHi.â You smiled halfheartedly at Kyle, who watched on as you made yourself comfortable.
âHow ya feelinâ?â He tilted his head forward, smiling back at you.
Gaz was one of the few people you had bothered to get close to.
It wasnât on purpose, and it wasnât as if you put effort into shutting everybody else outâGaz was just easier.
As much as you appreciated Soapâs friendship, and Priceâs guidance, Gaz had the innate ability to listen. He knew when to shut up, and when to keep himself scarce; he knew when to add his two cents, and when to make himself available. He managed to be kind and collected, even in the most outrageous of scenarios, and you found him to be a tranquil presence in an otherwise stressful line of work.
Maybe it was because he was closest in age to you; maybe it was because he knew where to get cigarettes; maybe it was just the urge you had to form a bond, to experience the type of friendship that was always depicted in old Vietnam War movies.
Whatever it was, Kyle was the closest friend youâd ever had in any platoon. And you appreciated him immensely.
âLike I got blown up.â Your smile morphed into something more sincere, and Gaz laughed quietly.
âHappens.â
âSucks,â you responded pointedly. âBut I feel better than I did.â
Gaz just nodded, his lips still curled into a soft smile.
The doors to the infirmary opened with a loud scrape against the linoleum of the floor, and Soap walked in carrying a tray of paper coffee cups. He tsked at the sound of the doors, cringing slightly as they swung shut and produced the same grating sound.
âChrist, haud yer wheesht.â Soap muttered, toeing the scratch on the floor before squaring his shoulders and making his way to your bedside.
âCome bearing gifts, Johnny?â You watched him put the tray down on your cotâs side table.
âBottoms up, lass.â Soap handed you one of the cups, and you popped the lid off to hasten the cooling process of the coffee.
The aroma of the drink on its own was enough to perk you up, and you smiled at the men who sat beside you.
âYou Irish it up?â You quirked a brow, smiling at Johnny as he sipped his own coffee.
âScots have a bit more, eh, practicality than that.â He smirked.
âAnd I wouldnât let him.â Gaz chuckled, blowing gently on his own coffee.
The three of you drank in silence. The coffee was black, bitter, but it warmed you up and helped you relocate your senses.
âSo,â you popped the lid back onto your cup, putting it onto the tray that Soap had left on the side table. âHowâd I end up here?â
âPassed out before evac,â Gaz sighed into his coffee, clearly not too keen on having you relive the series of events. âGot you here without much trouble.â
âAye, yâwere fine,â Soap finished the rest of his coffee and tossed the paper cup into the trashcan nearest to your bed. âWound was shallower than we thought. Fucked up yer ankle, mild burns, couple cracked ribs, butââ He gestured to your chest, which was mostly bandaged. âFixed ye up nice.â
You looked down at your body, really taking it in for a moment.
Your chest felt heavy, constricted by the bandages that covered your ribs and side, and your ankle was wrapped, but looked much less serious. There was something sticky on the irritated portions of your skin, probably bacitracin.
âWhatâs this?â You finally brought attention to the shirt that still rested on your lap.
âGhostâs.â Soap didnât explain.
âCouldnât find anything to wrap ya up withâfucking disaster out there,â Gaz picked up Johnnyâs slack, âUsed his shirt instead. Couldnât let you bleed out, though I doubt you wouldâve, either way.â
The image of Simon removing so much of his kit just to get to the t-shirt beneath it in the middle of an evac zone made you smile. You tried not to dwell on the heat that crept into your abdomen.
That explained why it was covered in blood, at least.
You nodded, sighing. âI wasnât out long, then?â
Soap pursed his lips, almost smiling. You looked at Kyle for a straight answer.
âHow long have I been here?â
âDay and a halfâŚmaybeâlittle more like two,â Gaz smiled sheepishly. âTheyâve had you pumped full of everything. Morphine, the works.â
âKnocked ye out good.â Soap laughed.
âBetter than dying.â You sighed, shaking your head. You reached out for your coffee again, finishing it in a gulp before passing the cup off to Soap to toss it for you.
âChest feels alright?â Gaz took the lull in conversation to ask again about your state of being.
âTight, butâŚâ The ache was still there, and the bandages were a bit snug, but you could manage. âYeah. Feels okâŚâ
âJust rest.â Gaz still didnât look worried, and that made you feel more at ease with the situation.
âHavenât a thing goinâ on, next few days.â Soap nodded, doubling down on Kyleâs suggestion that you commit to relaxing.
The doors to the infirmary scraped against the floor again, but you didnât bother looking at who had opened them, assuming it was a nurse coming in to check your IV or replace your bandages.
Soap and Gaz briefly made eye contact, glancing at each other in their peripheral after watching the doors open, but you ignored it as reflexive; a nod to each other in support of their insistence that you rest.
âAnd after that?â You knew you were looking too far aheadâyou didnât even know how long it took ribs to healâbut a little taste of optimism from your friends would be encouraging.
âYouâre out of commission.â
The deep Manchester growl rattled your train of thought, and you turned to look at Simon, who stood in front of the doors.
âWhat?â You looked at him incredulouslyâsurely he couldnât be trying to punish you for nearly getting killed; surely you had misheard.
âYouâre not goinâ back out there.â Simonâs eyes flickered over your body before he let his razor-edged gaze land on your face.
âJustâwith the state yer in, lassââ Soap tried to soften the blow, brows furrowing into a gentle expression.
âNot in any state.â Ghost finally moved from his spot by the doors, and in several brisk strides he was by your bedside.
You tried to chalk it up to the fact that you were lying down, but you couldnât help but feel as though he was looming.
âYou were out oâline.â You could practically see his sneer beneath the balaclava, lip curling into an ugly, twisted shape as he lay into you.
And for what?
For the first time since waking up, there was a shock running down your body; not out of any physical discomfort, but out of pure rage.
âI was doing what I enlisted to do.â You huffed, folding your arms over your chest and trying to ignore the twinge of your muscles as bruised flesh rested on bruised flesh.
He stared at you for a moment; unmoving, unblinking.
âYou join the army to get y'self killed?â He said it like he thought it was funny, and thatâs what really did it for you.
He couldâve excluded you from any ops in the near future. He couldâve yelled until he was red in the face about how your stubbornness and lack of awareness consistently and unnecessarily put you in harmâs way.
That much you couldâve understood. Respectively, it made sense; it was true.
But the edge of mirth in his voice as he mocked you whilst you lay drugged-up in the infirmary made your blood boil, and the morphine could do nothing to stop that.
âYou canât do that.â
In an effort to save face, you turned your attention back to Soap and Gaz, trying to shut Simon out.
âHe canât do that,â you searched their eyes for signs of support, something you could leverage, âWe have a pecking order. Price has toâto...â
Your sentence fell off when you saw Soap giving Ghost a pointed look, Gaz staring at the floor, frowning.
âItâs only six weeks,â Kyle tried to highlight the silver lining, looking back up at you and giving you a timespan to consider, âJust till we can be absolutely sure youâre okay.â
âWeâŚâ Soap sighed, still looking at Simon with a subtle glare, âItâs just to make sure yer in the best shape possible, lassânothinâ personal.â He chanced a glance at you, smiling, and you scoffed.
Taking a deep breath, you turned to stare straight ahead at the foot of the cot. âYour idea, Lieutenant?â
Simon stared down at you, saying nothing, but when you side-eyed him you could see a glint of something in his eyes that told you everything you needed to know: It had definitely been his idea.
Even if you had only been bruised, you were certain that he would've suggested the same timeframe for you to stay on bed rest, under the guise of healthcare. A sadistic form of punishment that saw you wasting away while your friends continued business as usual.
âYouâre being irrational,â you scowled at him, letting your arms drop down to your stomach to give your chest a break from supporting them. âAndânot for nothingâkind of a dick.â
âEasy, Sergeant.â He glared down at you.
âIâm fine,â you squared your shoulders, as if adjusting your posture was all it would take to convince the men around you that you were sturdy. âI could understand a couple weeksâI could understand a month. But six weeks isâthatâs appalling. It's not fair.â
âLifeâs not fair, sweetheart.â Ghost, too, squared his shoulders, and it had the effect he surely desired; you shrunk into yourself slightly. âYou wanna talk about appalling? You let me know when you âave to dig shrapnel out of a subordinate.â
He turned on his heel without so much as a nod towards Soap and Gaz, and you felt just as upset about his disregard of them as his vitriol towards you.
âLieutenant!â You called after him, âGhost!â You were aware that the conversation was over, but you were still keen to argue. âSimon!â
The doors swung open and shut again with the same piercing scrape against the floor.
You glared at the doors, your disgust at Simon heightened in your state of exhaustion.
âJohnny?â You didnât look back at Soap, still focusing your anger on the doors.
âAye.â
âMore coffee.â
~~~
A week later, you were back on your feet.
The nurses had given you enough ibuprofen to last a lifetime, maybe two, and then they sent you on your way.
The hurt was still there; every time you coughed; every time you stretched your left arm too suddenly, but it was fading.
It wasnât really the pain that bothered you now. It was more so the waking worries, the shakiness of your breath, and the way you jerked awake each night in a frenzy of twisted blankets and sweat and nausea.
You tried to suck it up; you were hardly the first soldier to have an experience like this. You tucked your head between your knees when you had to, but never your tail between your legs.
You refused your need for help. You refused to acknowledge any weakness.
You hated the notion that this stretch of forced bed rest was only proving a dismal point; you werenât cut out for the task force. The people that whispered in the halls about you being nothing more than something for the men to look at were likely finding their evidence in this extreme shortcoming of yours.
You kept your distance from Simon in order to avoid any further conflict. But he always did a good job of making himself unavailable, even at the best of times, so you hadnât had to tiptoe around the barracks.
You walked into the mess hall on a whim. Your appetite was still mostly touch-and-go, but you knew the least you could do for yourself after everything was eat.
Gaz waved you over to the usual table, and you set your tray down across from Johnny.
âNeed a new callsign.â
âDonât like Bravo-Nine?â Gaz looked at you over a spoonful of applesauce.
âNo, notâyou know what I mean. Soap; Gaz; Ghost; Berserker.â
Youâd been doing a lot of thinking over the course of the week; maybe Berserker wasnât you.
And youâd laughed at the thought initiallyâof course she wasnât you. That was the whole point. She was a projection, symbolic of you. Itâs not like Simon was Ghost.
You had rolled your eyes at the comparison, trying to stifle any more thoughts of him.
Eventually, youâd decided that the ritualistic version of yourself was inadequateâor perhaps you were inadequate to call her a representative.
You were no Berserker. You were the Sergeant who cracked three ribs in one go after going in blind and setting off a landmine.
"Hard thing to change," Gaz quirked a brow, "Sticks with you."
âItâs a good name.â Soap picked at his fingers.
âFeels wrong now,â you tried to explain, âA berserker wouldâve been able to handle some scrapes.â
âA berserker would jumpât the chance to run onto a landmine.â Johnny countered with a smirk.
âThought about your other options?â Gaz spoke up again, stopping an argument before it had the chance to begin.
He was always good at that.
âWhat about, uhâŚâ He tilted his head back, squinting at the ceiling as he tried to come up with something.
âTits McGee?â Soap laughed at his own suggestion.
You flicked a pea from your tray at him, but it veered off track and hit Gaz in the cheek.
âOi!â Gaz wiped the moist spot it had left on his face with his hand, cringing. âNo friendly fire at the lunch table.â
Soap barked a laugh, and you kicked him under the table as you stifled your own laughter.
âWhatâre you lot on about?â
And there was Simon.
Always when you least expected him; ready and willing to ruin a good time.
Ghost sat down next to you like it was nothing; like he hadnât just chewed you out a few days earlier for nearly dying.
He was taking up too much spaceâat the table and in your head. You tried to ignore him, but your smile wavered.
âSheâs changing her callsign.â Soap gestured to you with his chin.
âDoesnât feel like a true berserker,â Gaz smiled, eyes darting between you and Ghost. âTell him.â
Kyle knew how upset you were, and he had said he wouldnât get in the middle of it. But it was clear that he was now attempting to take on the role of peacekeeper, if only to keep mealtime pleasant.
You shot Simon a sidelong glance, nodding in response to Gazâs prompt. You didnât want to grace the Lieutenant with a verbal reply. He didnât deserve one.
âI suggested Tits McGee.â Johnny smirked into his drinking glass, and this time you stomped on his foot under the table. He winced through a chuckle.
âFair idea.â Ghost huffed out what couldâve been mistaken as a laugh.
You grit your teeth.
âWhat about somethingâŚscarierâŚ?â Gaz spoke as the thought came to him, looking at you again. âGive Ghost a run for his money.â
Soap swallowed the water in his mouth, eager to toss out suggestions.
âReaper.â He let his voice drop an octave for emphasis.
âSpirit.â Gaz quirked a brow at you, expectantly, as he silently asked for your input.
âShe wouldnât wear it right.â Simon shook his head, crossing his arms.
Your nails bit against your palms. It seemed like you couldnât do anything right, as far as he was concerned.
âShut up.â It came out muttered and withdrawn, but it felt good to get it out all the same.
âYou âave something tâsay, love?â Simon looked down his shoulder at you, and the moment you looked back up at him, you knew youâd made a mistake in thinking you could keep it together.
âYeah,â you glared, standing from the table. âFuck you.â
You left without clearing your tray.
~~~
You never thought youâd find a barracks bed so spacious, but your own bed felt huge compared to the medical cot youâd recuperated in.
You pressed the heels of your palms against your eyelids, appreciating the silence and warring with yourself about why you always let Ghost get under your skin the way you did.
You heaved a sigh, stretching your arms out. You made sure to rest your left arm at a more practical angle even when you extended it.
Relief for the rest of your body wasnât worth the jolt in your side.
After the incident at lunch, you fell into a repetitive pattern; mind wandering to Simon, chastising yourself for letting him live so comfortably in your head, then trying to focus on somethingâanythingâelse.
And you didnât appreciate the way your body reacted to the thoughts of him, warmth swelling in your stomach and fingertips grazing your waistband.
It was a losing battle.
He had the ability to be kind, and it was a rarity, but a welcome one.
When youâd started as a rookie, you understood why people worshipped him; he was strong, capable, and, for the most part, managed to stay humble.
He was competent. And that was nice.
For a while, even you had fallen victim to the cult of personality that trailed himâit was hard not to.
He was just a person, a soldier like any other, but he could seem like so much more than that at times. You admired him, his drive, his passion.
He was merciless in his work ethic, unforgiving in his reproach, but he had his moments.
Youâd knocked on his door early on into your time at the base.
It was nothing more than a work-related rendezvous, impromptu but necessary; you had reports he needed, and that was all. But you still felt a sort of buzz, a sense of pride nipping at your heels for being trusted enough to take on a task as menial as paperwork.
Heâd opened the door, and youâd been left to stare up at him.
âWhatâs'is?â He nodded his chin down at your hands.
âIâthe reports you needed,â you handed them to him, âTheyâre all in proper order.â You hesitated, âI think.â
He had stared down at you.
âYou think?â
âNo, IâŚI know. They are.â You didnât want to be overly confident, but you did feel as though the reports looked goodâbetter than good, even.
âGood to be certain.â Heâd folded the reports, almost fidgeting with the paper.
âYeah,â you nodded, unsure of what to say now. âItâs...all there.â
There was another pause. He let your words hang in the air, leaving you to stand awkwardly in the threshold of his room.
âBut, uhâthatâs all,â you nodded again, trying not to squirm in the silence he created. You looked at the ground. âThanks forâŚtrusting me, Simon.â
You turned to walk back to your own room, but he cleared his throat.
âSimon?â He seemed confused, and for a moment you wondered if you had gotten his name wrong, âWe on a first name basis, love?â
âI justâthatâs your nameâŚâ You'd probably gone pale at that point, but you tried to recover. âI figured, I mean, in your own roomâŚdo you want to be Lieutenant?â You stuttered through an explanation.
He had narrowed his eyes at you then, but there was no malice in his gaze; if anything, he just seemed more confused than he had been.
âGhost is fineâŚâ He spoke as if he were questioning himself.
âBut youâre not Ghost,â you doubled down, smiling sheepishly, âI meanânot here, youâre not. Not to me.â
âWhy?â
âI donât really think of you as Ghost unless weâreâŚout, somewhere,â you tried to sound nonchalant, but the words spilled out as you tried to avoid the repercussions of disrespecting a superior officer. âAndâI dunno. Youâre kinda scary when youâre Ghost. Your nameâŚsuits youâŚâ
You searched his eyes, still trying to read whether his bewilderment would morph into anger.
âIt humanizes you. And IâŚI like that.âÂ
âYou like Simon.â
âYeah.â
He shifted his weight. âAâright.â
You waited for more, but it never came.
âYeah,â you repeated, finally finding the willpower to walk away. âGoodnight, Simon.â
âGânight.â He watched you leave before shutting the door.
You couldnât help but smile at the memory, despite yourself. So you tried to remember what had made you hate him in the first place, just to torment yourself further.
It had been the day following that conversation.
He had been brusque, finding you in a common area with Gaz, playing a watered-down version of blackjackâno bets, just yelling and laughing as you continued to fall short.
âRedo them.â
âWhat?â Youâd looked up from your hand.
âRedo them.â He repeated as he dropped the stack of reports onto the table in front of you. Â
The reports you had been so excited to hand over to him.
âBut whatâsââ
âFix. Them.â Heâd gritted out, and you didnât have the strength to look him in the eyes. âAnd be fucking certain theyâre in order this time, sweetheart.â
âOâokâŚâ You conceded to his demand and rested your palm on the stack of paper in a gesture of submission.
He walked out without another word, leaving you to stare down at the reports heâd returned to you, feeling well and truly insufficient.
You had decided, in that moment, that you hated Ghost. And you hated Simon Riley just as much.
You had never been able to figure out why exactly he had switched up the way he had; if you had done something to get on his bad side, if it was delayed payback for calling him by his name. No matter how curious you got, you never asked, simply putting him on your bad side, too, just to keep things fair.
You heaved a sigh, sitting up in bed and staring at your room.
It was messy in a very minute way. You had clothes that needed washing, and a stray sock on the floor; your bed wasnât made and there were reports on your desk that needed filing.
Clean to an onlooker; filthy to a soldier.
Your eyes wandered to Ghostâs shirt where it hung on your door.
You still hadnât given it back to him, too dead set on eluding him at all costs after the ordeal in the infirmary, but it was casting a dreary shadow in your room. You didnât want it near you, despite the way youâd clung to it when youâd woken up, and despite the way youâd managed to avoid returning it even when youâd had ample time to do something as simple as hanging it on his doorknob.
You didnât know whether you should treat it as if it were a talisman or an omen, but given that it was stained in your blood, you leaned towards the latter.Â
You stared at it for a few moments before finding the motivation to get up and grab it off the hook it had been dangling from.
Maybe you could treat it like an olive branch, even if it was only for this particular occasion.
Heâd have to offer you a whole tree to make you consider allowing him on your good side for anything else heâd put you through.
~~~
It was relatively quiet in the barracks, and you felt like you were missing out on something. But you knew it got like this sometimes; weeks of high energy often resulted in a lull.
Simonâs room was at the end of the hallway, shrouded in shadows where one of the hall lights had gone out. His door had the same menacing energy that he did, and you felt insane for comparing the man to a door.
But were you really that far off?
Rigid, unfeeling; Ghost was essentially just another fixtureâin the barracks, on the force, in the quiet corners of your mind.
You quickened your pace in an effort to get this over with. The sooner you gave him his shirt back, the sooner you could quell the feelings of frailty and lousiness, the sooner you could rid him from your thoughtsâat least for a little while.
You stood in front of his door, and before you could question your true intentions, you knocked.
He opened the door in a huff, and you found yourself taking a step back. He didnât say anything, fixing his unforgiving gaze on you.
âThis is yours,â you held up the shirt, âFigured you might want it back.â
You watched his eyes scan the shirt in your hand before flicking back up to your face.
âCovered in your blood.â He looked like he was quirking a brow beneath the balaclava, and you suddenly felt irateâwhy wear the mask in his own room?
âWell, I havenât really had time to wash it, consideringâŚâ You motioned up and down in front of your chest with your free hand. âBut, umâŚJohnny said it was yours, and I felt bad holding onto it, given that I donât really have anyâŚneed for it now.â
âWhy would I want it back?â His tone was flat.
âItâs your fucking shirt.â You heaved a sigh, realizing that your attempt at diplomacy was going unheeded. Â
âDonât want it.â
Nothing else. Not a wordânot a âthank youâ or a âhappy to see you out of bed.â
Nothing to suggest he even cared about what had happened, or that he had any inkling of what was still going on in your head. He didnât even question you about your outburst in the mess hall. He was completely cold, fully detached.
Typical.
âWell,â you swallowed the urge to push him, to see his feet slip out from under him and watch him stumble. âFuck me for trying, Simon.â
You turned to make quick work of walking away, fidgeting angrily with the shirt in your hands. But he was clearly in the mood to argue.
âOiââ You heard his footsteps behind you, âYou mad?â
You scoffed. âShut up.â
âAre you mad at me?â He clarified, catching up to you as you stormed down the hallway.
You didnât answer him until you got back to the door of your room, opening it, and standing in the doorframe.
It gave you a sense of power, being in your own space.
âAm I mad at you?â You swiveled to stare up at him, your tone venomous. âFuck you, Ghost.â You could no longer deny yourself the satisfaction of shoving him, and you pushed against his chest hard enough that he swayed back slightly.
âWatch it.â He glared down at you like he was trying to burn a hole through your head.
âPleaseâor what?â You challenged, âYouâll make me sit on the sidelines for an extra week? You gonna snap my neck in my own fucking room?â
Once you started, you couldnât stop, and every single issue you had with him was coming to the surface.
âYou wonât do shit. You never do shitânot unless itâs in the job description. You ignore everything so dutifully, Simon, like itâll just disappear if you donât give it the time of day,â you were yelling now. âCause thatâs what you think, right? That problems and people will vanish when they realize theyâre not good enough for Lieutenant Riley?â
âWasnât personal, sweetheartâyouâre in no shape to be out there.â He sighed, and it just fueled your rage.
âI donât take anything you do personally,â you pressed a finger into his chest for emphasis. âYou walk around here like you own the place, Lieutenant, and you donât. You donât get to call all the shotsâI donât care what kind of hard-on you get for the authority you have in one-four-one.â
âSergeantââ You could tell it was taking effort on his part to stay stoic as he stood in your line of fire, and a vicious part of you wanted to see him break and fight back.
You wanted him to give you a good reason to hate him. Something that might finally stick.Â
âIâm not fucking finished,â you cut him off, eager to express every single detail about him that made you feel so incensed. âYou are the epitome of ego, you are indisputably one of the most self aggrandizing people I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. All you are is a fucking killer, just like the rest of us, but you seem to think youâre Godâs gift to SASâbecause what would one-four-one be without you, right, Simon? What would any of this be without you!â
You took a deep breath, and it made your ribs settle over your lungs uncomfortably, but you were nowhere near done.
âYou act like you donât care about the praise, the commendationâbut you fucking do, and thatâs why you turn your nose up at it. Cause you think you deserve it. And why the fuck should you acknowledge any compliment to your skill? Why should you acknowledge something that you already know to be true?â
Suddenly, you were cackling; manic with hatred, confused by your hostility towards him.
Ghost stood silent, and you wished he wasnât wearing the mask so you could see his face and analyze how your words were hitting him.
You wanted to see the upset on his featuresânever mind how pretty he might look, carved in agitation.
âYou donât pay attention to the way people shy away from you, or the way the rookies worship you, or theâfuck, Simon, the women! You donât care about how girls look at you! Because itâs what you think you deserve!â You couldnât stop yourself from throwing that detail in, but you quickly recovered from your thinly veiled barb of jealousy.
You lowered your voice, wanting to hammer home how deeply, truly repulsed by him you were.
âYou are so fucking aloof, itâs insane,â you hissed, âIgnore me all you want, Lieutenant, but Iâm not fucking going anywhere. Am I mad at you? Fuck you, Simon.â You focused now on catching your breath, but you wanted to make sure he knew you meant it: âFuck. You.â
He hadnât moved the whole time, staying in the same spot in front of you throughout your rant.
Maybe he was thinking about the situation at hand. You wondered if he had actually listened to anything you said, or if he was too baffled by the fact that he was being screamed at by a subordinate to even hear you.
Maybe heâd hit you. You would, in his position.
âSâat all?â His tone was casual, maybe a bit gruffer than normal, but that did nothing to subdue your rage.
All youâd really wanted was a reaction, and he wouldnât even give you that.
âGet the fuck out.â You took a step back, slamming the door in his face.
You leaned against the door, breathing. Your side felt like it was splittingâmaybe the stitches were under pressure, or your ribs had been held too taut against your lungs when you yelled.
Youâd take an ibuprofen later. Now, you clutched his shirt in your fists, and tears slid off your cheeks to mingle with the bloodstains.
~~~
An hour or two later, you felt somewhat more under control.
You tried to shrug off your emotions, burying them somewhere to keep them guarded and stop them from getting to you.
You shoved Simonâs shirt under your bed. Out of sight, out of mind.
You saw no point in wallowingâyouâd had a week to do that in the infirmary. Now you just wanted some semblance of peace, a good night of sleep.
Distracting yourself with paperwork seemed just as good. But your hands were shaky, and you quickly grew frustrated.
Be fucking certain theyâre in order. You heard the words in Simonâs voice, clear as day, as the memory bounced around in your head.
You shoved yourself up from your desk chair at the same moment you heard a knock on your door.
You hesitated.
âYeah?â You called out, walking slowly towards the sound.
âGot you something.â
Gazâs voice was cheery, and you let out a brief sigh of relief upon hearing himâinitially worried that Ghost had come back for retribution.
Relief may not have been the proper word. Still, you opened the door.
âDidnât even ask who it was.â Gaz smiled when you ushered him in.
âWhatâd you bring me?â You ignored his teasing with a grin.
âFirst," he made himself comfortable on the edge of your bed, "Tell me if youâve got a light.â
You quirked a brow at him, taking the hint. You rummaged through your nightstand to locate a lighter, finding one and handing it to him.
âSolid,â he took the lighter, reaching into his pocket to pull out a pack of cigarettes. âGo âhead.â
You smiled, shaking your head with an amused huff. âInside?â
âYou deserve it.â
âWith myâŚâ You tried to appeal to your better judgement, the stitches in your side a reminder of the turmoil your body had only just experienced.
Kyle looked at you expectantly, holding out the pack, and you let your sentence trail off as you fished a cigarette from the box.
âTerrible influence, Garrick.â You perched the cigarette between your lips, waiting for him to light it for you.
âI wonât tell if you wonât,â he smiled, watching you puff smoke as he lit your cigarette. âYou need a vice. Heard you tore LT a new one.â
You sighed, rolling your eyes. You moved from the bed to open the small window in your room, resting your hand on the sill and watching the smoke trail up into the night air.
âWord travels fast,â you almost smirked at the knowledge that people had heard about your row with Ghost. âHe had it coming.â
Gaz got up from your bed and walked over to lean opposite you against the window.
âOnly person thatâs ever done it,â he wedged the window up a bit more when the smoke blew back into his face. âLong as I've been here, at least. When Soapâs mad at him, he just listens to songs about stickinâ it to the English.â
âI know,â you ashed the cigarette, smiling, âI have his playlist.â
Gaz laughed, and you stamped the cigarette out on the outer part of the sill, walking back to your bed and taking a seat. Gaz watched you, analyzing your movements before he pulled the chair from your desk and sat.
âYou, uhâŚâ He chewed the inside of his cheek, âHe was glued to you, Ghost was. Wouldnât leave your side.â
You furrowed your brow, looking up at him in confusion. You didnât know where this was coming fromâor why Kyle would bother to tell you right now, rather than while you were still in the infirmary. Or why he'd tell you at all, for that matter.
âHe wasnât there when I woke up.â You scoffed halfheartedly, unsure of what point you were trying to argue, or why you were trying to argue it.
The thing is, you had questionsâbut it was easier to inquire with a reserved disbelief than it was to ask anything up front.Â
âHe was there before that, though,â Gaz fiddled with the lighter, flicking it on and off. âWeâyâknow, Johnny and Price and Iâwe made him leave.â
âJust because?â You tried to sound amused, but the curiosity gnawed at you.
âNeeded a shower, hadnât eaten.â Gaz put the lighter down on the desk. He rolled his shoulders back, pressing his palms to his thighs with a sigh.
âSo?â You prompted when Gaz had stayed silent for longer than you anticipated.
âSo, justâŚâ He cracked his neck before looking back at you, âMaybe try not to take it all out on him.â
âTake what out on him?â Your tone went sharp, and Kyle made a face.
âYou know what I mean,â he backed down slightly, but continued with his effort. âI think heâsâŚunhappy.â
âI get blown to smithereens and we all throw Simon a pity party?â You felt your skin growing hot, unnerved by the notion that you were supposed to go about business as usual after such an event, while everybody around you seemed to have more sympathy for Ghost and the grave heâd dug for himself.
âYou cracked three ribs!â Gaz smiled, trying to ease the sudden tension.
âIt was enough for LT to throw a hissy fit over!â You snapped back, perhaps a bit too harshly, and Gaz let his smile fade, ready to concede to you.
You continued to seethe for a moment longer, staring at Gazâs feet. He dipped his head down, trying to get you to listen.
âI think heâs unhappy because he wasnât there when you woke up.â He said simply, his voice gentle. He wasnât trying to upset you, just attempting to share his opinion and see whether or not it improved anything.
âHardly my faultâŚâ You frowned, finding his gaze again and crossing your arms.
âYeah, no, I knowâbelieve me, I know,â Gaz rubbed a hand over his face, âBut he wasâŚsoâŚHe was fucking besides himself with worryâor, I mean, it seemed like it. Didnât leave the infirmary til we pushed him out a few hours before you came to. And I think he was really set on being there to see you through it.â
Gaz looked at you. You looked back, tilting your head in silent encouragement; you were listening.
âItâs like heâŚbuilt up this idea in his head aboutâŚâ he trailed off, âAnd then it didnât happen. And he doesnât want to feel stupid, so heâs just angry instead.â
You nodded, taking in the revelation that maybe Ghost wasnât mad at you, but at himself; that he was facing a similar struggle from you as you were from him.
It didnât make you feel better. If anything, it made you want to knock sense into him all the more.
Youâd laid out your cardsâit was his turn now. If he had such big feelings, he could either suck it up and ignore them, or he could come out with them. And nothing Gaz said or suggested could make you change your mind.
You scoffed, shaking your head. But you smiled a little, subconsciously reassured.
âThatâs my hypothesis, anyway.â Gaz shrugged, returning your smile ten-fold, and you felt yourself relax a bit, feeling the tension dissipate.
âBig word.â You laughed softly.
Gaz grinned. âRead a book or two.â
You reached out to snatch the pack of cigarettes from him, fishing another out for yourself before pushing the box back into his hands. He put them away, handing you your lighter.
âNot joining me?â You nodded towards the pocket heâd shoved the pack into, speaking through your hands as you lit the cigarette.
âNah,â he shook his head, sighing. âThereâsâŚmmâI didnât come to see you just so we could talk about Ghost.â
âYou talked about him,â you mumbled, âI listened.â You moved to the window again. âWhat else?â
âWeâre shipping out,â Gaz sighed, âNext week.â
You went quiet, picking at one of your fingernails and watching your cigarette burn.
ââŚWithout me.â Your words came out small, disappointed.
âYeah,â Gazâs voice went soft around the edges. âFirst time inââ
âYeah.â You cut him off.
You knew how long youâd been in 141; and it felt like eons to you, despite the fact that it had been only a tiny fraction of the time everybody else had been on the task force. You didnât need the reminder nowânot when you already felt like an outsider.
âAll of you, then?â
You looked back over your shoulder at Kyle, and he nodded.
âPrice too?â
He nodded again. You took a long drag of your cigarette.
âIn and out,â he tried to make it sound like funâand really, it was, to an extent, but your thoughts were elsewhere. âWonât even be a full forty-eight hours, way weâve got it planned.â
You smiledâhe always downplayed it, but you wanted to believe him.
Without Gaz and Soap around, youâd be bored out of your mind. You could handle a couple days, but anything longer than that seemed dreadful.
You didnât let yourself fall into the vortex of thoughts that opened up relating to Simon; you refused to acknowledge the way your stomach tensed at the idea of him on a mission without you, the way sweat beaded on the skin of your back at the notion that you wouldnât be there to watch himâyou didnât know what the feeling was, but you knew you didnât like it.
âI believe you.â You flicked the cigarette out the window.
âGood.â He said simply.
It was another hour of banter before Gaz decided to call it a night, by which time the strange feeling in your stomach had begun to feel more akin to a hunger pain.
âHey,â he nudged you with his shoulder as you walked him out of your room, âDonât think too hard about it, yeah?â
âAbout what?â
âGhostâand him beingâŚâ
âBeing Ghost.â You offered sardonically with a smile to match, but Gaz took it in stride.
âMm,â he nodded, âGhost being Ghost.â He added, âYou were the one that wanted his help, remember.â
He didnât clarify, but you knew he was talking about how youâd pleaded for Ghost to be the one to treat your wounds as you lay bleeding.
You nodded, sighing an affirmative.
When you shut the door behind Gaz, you found yourself standing frozen in the same spot you had been in after shouting at Simon.
It was significantly more tranquil now, but it still made you feel a sense of unease.
Did you feel bad? And if the answer was yesâdid you feel sorry for yourself, or for him?
You got in bed and curled into yourself, suddenly feeling like it was too big and almost wishing you could be back in the infirmary.
At least you could sleep in that cot; the morphine drip kept you in a steady, sleepy haze and removed all of the anxiety induced by your near-death experience.
Against your better judgement, you threw your hand over the edge of your bed, contorting yourself as comfortably as you could to lean down and grab Simonâs shirt from the spot youâd chucked it beneath the bedframe.
If he was so adamant that you keep it, you felt as though it was only fair for you to use it.
You draped his shirt over the foot of your mattress, and you instantly felt as though the bed had shrunk down to fit you exactly; it was cozy, it was made for you, and not hundreds of recruits just like you.
He took up too much space at the table and in your mind, so what was a little space in your bed?
Itâs not like this changed anything. You were still upset, still frustrated, still completely and utterly confused. Simonâs shirt was simply an added presence that helped quell the shakiness in your hands as you moved to switch off the light.
And it added a bit of fuel to the thoughts youâd deemed taboo.
~~~
You hadnât been trying to count down the days until the force left, but it was hard not to. You knew that them leaving base would mean radio silence and a consuming sense of loneliness.
You couldnât tell if the feeling in your gut was a product of the unfortunate event youâd just lived through, your intense dosage of Advil, or just the crushing fear of being left behind.
So, youâd tried to make the most of things as the week went by; and maybe you sat at the dinner table a little longer than you needed to, even when Simon cared to join; maybe you didnât say anything when Soap tried to look at Gazâs cards over his shoulder.
You wandered into the transport bay on the morning they were set to leave, and they were all standing at the ready.
It almost had you laughing; little toy soldiers, all lined up.
âWhere you off to?â You sidled up next to Soap as he fiddled with his chest rig.
âNeed to know basis.â He grunted, pulling at the strap around his shoulder. He looked up at you with a grin.Â
You rolled your eyes, returning the smile.
âThen tell me all about it if you come back in one piece.â
âAlways do, lassie.â
You cringed. âDonât tempt the fates, Johnny.â
Gaz appeared in your peripheral, and you turned to him.
You couldnât decipher his gaze; if he was nervous or if he felt sorry for you.
âGonna miss ya out there, Sergeant.â He smiled softly at you.
âYeah,â you walked over to him, slinging an arm over his shoulder, âI know.â
âAlways the picture of humility, you are.â He smirked, and you punched him in the arm.
âTake care of yourselves.â You knew they wouldâthey always did. And it wasnât like you had anything to worry about; it was one operation, a brief mission to wherever the hell, and youâd see them in a few daysâ time.
As cocky as Soap could be, he was right: they always came back in one piece.
Unlike you.
Price cleared his throat, cutting short the banter between you and the Sergeants that flanked you.
âCaptain.â You looked up, offering him a nod.
âSorry to see you sitting this one out.â He was being sincereâthat was something you appreciated about Price; he didnât say anything he didnât mean. âWonât feel the same without you.â
âYeah, well,â you still didnât know how to take a compliment from him, âIâll be good as new, soon enough.â You added; âOnly a month left, and then Iâll be back at it.â
He nodded, and you saw his cheeks broaden, offering you a small smile.
âDonât let that arm go stiff, Sergeant.â
âRoger that.â You responded with a similarly minute smile.
You turned your attention back to Gaz and Soap, hoping that getting enough face time with them now might hold you over while they were gone.
Ghost stood in the corner, checking guns for loose ammo and saying nothing. He barely looked your way, and when he did, you tried to hold eye contact.
Maybe you were trying to scare him, wear him down a bit and make him nervous. Realistically, though, the man that stood a few yards away from you would never consider you a threat.
And you knew that. But you couldnât admit that you were looking at him just to look.
You wanted him to squirm under your gaze now the way that you always did under his.
The door to the bay opened and you knew it was best to see them off before they loadedâyou were a soldier, not a would-be widow; you couldnât bear the feeling of being left behind, but the idea of watching them leave was even worse.
âAlright,â you rolled your neck, trying to appear indifferent to their departure. âBe good.â You looked pointedly at Soap, who nodded, saluting.
âAye.â
âYou too.â Gaz pressed a finger to your chest, feigning menace, and you rolled your eyes as you watched the Sergeants gear up to go.
Ghost still hadnât said a word, but you found yourself being pulled into his orbit as you turned to leave.
It was no big deal. He was standing by the exit, anyway.
Still, you stared at him as you walked out, waiting for him to say something. Or not.
He gave you a curt nod in an effort to catch your attention.
âSee you in a few days, sweetheart.â He kept his voice lowâmaybe out of habit, maybe because he wasnât sure if he wanted you to hear him.
You huffed at him, frowning at him but refusing to respond.
His eyes shifted beneath his mask, but he didn't speak anymore. And you didnât care.
But when you walked out of the transport bay, you could feel your heart racing, challenging your mind.
~~~
Admittedly, it was calmer with them gone. But you were bored, and feeling more outcast and alone than youâd care to confess.
It gave you time to work on the reports that had started to pile up, and even more time to debate where exactly you stood with Simon.
And then you debated whether that was something even worth debating.
He was an asshole. He was your superior. But he was also, in a twisted sort of way, your friend.
And youâd never heard him call Soap or Gaz sweetheart.
He was an ally in dark times, who used his own clothes to stem your bleedingâsomething heâd only done because you, in your weakest state, had begged for his help.
And you still didnât really know why you had asked. And you didnât like the fact that the time you spent alone with your thoughts was bringing you closer and closer to figuring it out.
You thought a lot about Gaz's words, his explanation for Ghostâs behavior: heâs unhappy, he wanted to see you through it, he built up this idea.
You still couldnât fully wrap your head around what the idea Gaz had mentioned was, and you had been too proud to ask for any clarification.
Simonâs shirt was still unceremoniously draped over your bed, and despite the comfort it brought you, you tried to ignore it.
Two days came and went, and by the third day you had allowed the initial drops of worry to seep in.
It didnât last long before the whole dam exploded.
And then it all started to blur together, like you were lying on your back in the dirt again, feeling like your head was being held underwater.
In the early hours of day four, commotion in the hall roused you. It wasnât as if you had been asleep, but facing such loud noise after midnight still made you grumble as you padded to the door and flung it open. Walking down the hall, you didnât care that you were barefoot, too intent on giving into the curiosity that was tying your stomach in knots.
You heard Priceâs voice first, the sharp pinch of his words as he demanded everybody move out.
That was your first tip off that something was wrong.
And then Soap rushed past you without so much as a first glance, let alone a second, as he booked it in the direction of the infirmary. There was a hand on your shoulder, then, and Gaz offered a look of sympathy, but his eyes were glazed over and intense in a manner that didnât suit him at all.
He tripped over himself as he followed Soap.
âGaz?â You called after him, suddenly frantic and in need of answers.
One answer.
âGarrick?â You started to follow him, but it didnât feel real; you felt like you were looking down at yourself as an outsider, your legs moving on their own as you sped barefoot down the hall, floating. âKyle!â
That finally got him to snap to attention, but he kept walking as he spoke to you over his shoulder.
âGhostââ his voice was shaky, and you had to wonder what had happenedâwhat he had seen, âDirect shot.â
You felt a final tug at the knot in your stomach, and you thought you were going to be sick.
You stopped following Gaz, standing still in the middle of the hall. You felt directionless.
You drifted through the barracks in an unstable haze, almost numb but still all too capable of feeling the anger that had started to bubble within the uneasiness of your stomach.
He was supposed to be untouchable, unstoppableâinvincible.
But he was bleeding out in the infirmary just like you had.
He was merciless, yes, and he was unforgivingâbut he had his moments.
You wouldnât have taken a bullet for him. Would you? Certainly, you wouldâve done something.
You wouldâve tried.
If you had been there, you would have forced him to do things the way you wanted to, the way you always did. Forced him to see it your way and come to an agreement in your favor; forced him to walk in the direction you chose; forced him to follow your pace, stayed in front of him like you always did; forced him to follow your trail.
And he wouldâve listened, just like he always did. Because he, in his own way, seemed to approve of your drive.
And then maybe he would have walked back into base on his own two feet. And it couldâve been you lying on a cot in the infirmary.
As it was meant to be.
Somehow, you found your way back to your own room, some guiding force helping you shut the door, pushing you towards your bed.
The numb and the melancholy made way for a stronger sense of fury the moment your eyes fell onto his shirt, wrinkled and pushed to the foot of the bed.
In a fit of blind rage, you grabbed it and began whipping it against the bed; a toddler throwing a tantrum. You smacked it against your mattress as hard as you could, trying to strike fabric with fabric until the fear dissipated.
Because thatâs what it was. Fear.
Because without Ghost, what was 141 worth?
Without Simon, what was any of this worth?
There was a knock on the door, and Gaz pushed himself into your room without waiting for a response.
âHeâsââ
âGet out.â You were panting, still clutching the shirt in a white-knuckled fist.
âListen, Ghost isââ Kyle looked exhausted.
âGet the fuck out!â You screamed, burning your lungs in the process and letting the pain in your ribs punish you from the inside out.
You didnât care. You couldnât care.
Gaz closed the door in a hurry, and you continued to watch on. He cast a vague shadow beneath the door, and you waited to see if heâd venture back into your room.
âHeâs going to be fine,â you heard him sigh behind the door, âHeâs up. Heâbloody hellâhe tried to tell them how to do the stitches.â
You breathed.
You hadnât realized you had been holding your breath.
You heard Gazâs footsteps echo through the hall as he walked away, and you crumpled over your mattress. The anger and fear didnât vanish with this new revelation; it all worked together to create an anxious giddiness.
He tried to tell them how to do his stitches.
You knew he was a good nurse in a pinch, but you were fairly certain that he didnât know how to do stitches. You didnât even think he knew how to sew.
Cocky motherfucker.
Maybe it was the adrenaline that lingered from your outburst, or the sense of relief that flooded your senses, but when you pushed yourself up against the headboard of your bed, your hand found its way beneath your waistband.
You had to get this energy out somehow.
So you circled your fingers around your clit, thinking about himânot for the first time, not for the lastâand tried to find some kind of relief to distract yourself from the rollercoaster of emotion youâd just been on.
You reached for the shirt that youâd left in a heap on the bed, straining your fingers to curl against the spongy spot on your front wall. But the effort you put into stretching for the shirt where it lay on the edge of the bed made your side split at the exact moment you began to call his name.
And you started sobbing.
It was pained, not at all reluctantâan all at once reboot for your body, shedding itself of all the intensity youâd just put your mind and heart through; finally accepting that you yourself had been hurt, and that you had no idea how to bear this cross.
You stopped trying to make yourself cum, planting yourself face down on your pillow and biting into it to silence your wails. But the tears kept coming, and soon you were pressing your face into nothing but a sopping wet piece of bedding, stained with your tears and your drool and your snot.
You clung to the shirt, subconsciously bringing it up to your face.
It smelled like the iron in your blood, crusted over and lingering in the woven material. And beneath that, his scent still clung to it. You breathed deep, huffing the smell of him.
You must have looked absolutely insane. And you felt like you were; choking on your cries, burying your face in fabric that had been soaked in your own blood.
But it was ok.
He was ok.
And you were in love with him.
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