#not that there's anything wrong with being an assistant

[affableramen]

no nut november day 1. how to make them come for the really horny darlings who read my smol insignificant blog :)

crack, smut, established relationships mature themes, minors dni

Wriothesley:

he loves when you choke him really well. he goes crazy once your hands start squeezing his neck

grabbing or scratching his butt. Wriothesley loves when you touch his rounded ass, and if you do he will definitely lose it

Tartaglia:

when you moan loudly, tartaglia loses his mind. he loves when you vocalise your sensations and satisfaction

praising him. tartaglia is not very experienced in bed activities, so he’d be really grateful if you kept praising him while having sex cause it makes him feel encouraged to proceed.

Neuvillette:

being on your knees for him (he does not expect that from anyone because he is such a humble individual, and it turns him on almost instantly)

when you take charge and offer him to have sex by your initiative. do not get me wrong, neuvillette is anything but submissive man, however even he gets tired of being constantly the controlling one. he wants you to be bold and shameless too

Pantalone:

when you play with, pull or grip his hair, it makes pantalone go insane. he is very sensitive to your touch in general, and he especially loves it when you try to tease him by playing with his wavy locks. he will be turned on immensely

when you touch his nipples (his erogenous zone. rub them nice and well, he will cum hard, mumbling “have mercy on me” to you)

Ayato:

dirty talking to him (praising his cock mostly) he loves his sex a bit dirty and overstimulating

when you slightly dominate him. this man is fed and sick of people constantly servicing him and seeing his s/o showing responsibility and taking a bold action like riding him will make him nut wildly

Capitano:

squeezing him inside. his manhood is thick, and the tip is fat enough to make him feel things when you suddenly tense up. capitano will give in to his passion, you will hear loud impatient grunting escaping his mouth that you never knew you needed

when you call him by his real name. in most circumstances capitano hates it when someone mentions his true old name, but when you do it during intimate moments he simply goes nuts for you. the way his name falls from your lips when he thrusts into you fast and hard enough just gets him going

Alhaitham:

he adores when you scratch his back. you always fear hurting him, but alhaitham wears your marks proudly and insists on you to not hold your passion in. he needs more of those blooming red marks of lust on his body

when you assist his thrusts by forcing your hips closer to him. he enjoys when you participate in love making equally to him, and will definitely cum unexpectedly generously if you continue

Dottore:

when you play by his rules. dottore is a very old and assertive man who’s used to things happen his way. at first he will kindly ask you to follow his lead but later on he will be incredibly blunt and dominant with you

when you use his vibrator on himself. not to mention him liking impressing you with new toys, when you grab one and press it against his skin, he will squirt his release earlier and thicker than expected

Dainsleif:

when you moan or whisper sweet nothings into his ear. this makes him particularly horny, especially given how much your voice turns him on in a private setting

when you try to unnoticeably run your hands over his hips. there is something about your claws grazing over his strong legs that makes him go completely frenzied for you

Baizhu:

when you bite his ears and neck. baizhu has those very sensitive and he will come almost instantly if you tease the delicious earlobes and neck of his.

when you wear sexy outfits. he likes to take you when you’re wearing those naughty, revealing but incredibly gorgeous outfits. he practically loses control of his arousal and can come even prematurely simply because he is staring at your beautiful body

[17020]

gn reader, reader is older than 18, younger than aizawa. suggestive.

having shota aizawa as your situationship (?) when you're coworkers is... weird. at first, at least. he feels weird not because you're a tad younger, but because he finds himself doing irrational things for you every day.

because why on god's beautiful earth is he sneaking around the teacher dorms just to get to your room in the wee hours of the night? the upturned corners of his lips have him pondering too—why he has the tiniest smile on his face whenever your surname pops up on his notifications, the world does not know.

your coworkers notice the change in behavior, yet nobody says anything directly to your face. probably because aizawa's almost never touches anyone yet his body is found gravitating towards yours, his fingers grazing yours when he and you exchange papers to grade, or his leg tangling itself with yours during teacher conferences.

but when there's no one else around? he can feel himself loosen up a bit, his hand cradling your jaw and caressing it oh-so softly with the excuse of there being a strand of hair in the way. or when he asks you, his teaching assistant, to dinner—to discuss the upcoming training for class 1-a, of course. or when he knows you've had a hard day and he's suddenly pushing your head into his chest, grumbling about how you need to let it all out in order to focus on other things later on. when the two of you are alone, he sighs whenever you address him, only two words daring to escape his lips.

"it's shota."

and sure, he pushes his feelings aside at first. because it's not rational to have feelings for his coworker. his conventionally young, hot and very smart coworker. the coworker who looks out for him more than any of his other coworkers do, the one who his class has basically accepted as their confidant, tutor, and loving parent.

aizawa feels ridiculous whenever you pop in his mind. because deep down he knows he's throwing all logic away whenever he's with you. the rule to never date a coworker goes in one ear and out the other when the war settles in. it's now or never, right? what if he doesn't get to live another day, what if you don't?

perhaps it's the fact that it's his birthday that has him overthinking. that must be it.

the thought to put a label on what you have never crosses his mind. it's his old man brain kicking in. he doesn't see a rush to label anything. he's yours, and you're his. what's the problem? does the whole world need to know your business?

unfortunately, they do. because his attraction for you goes unnoticed by the ones who aren't on inside his bubble. including ms. joke, who has your eye twitching from jealousy as her mouth seems to move in slow motion as she asks for his hand in marriage for what seems like the fifth time today.

and your mind runs. it goes on and on, you start feeling dizzy. it's not until later in the night when the homemade birthday cupcake with the candle is long forgotten in his nighstand, his hands desperately gripping your thighs as your hips roll against his. you sigh as your swollen lips part from his, gaze fixated on his lap as you try to avoid his eyes.

when he asks what's wrong, you simply shrug. "i know it's not my business since we're not exclusive, but what's the deal with you and joke?" aizawa can tell there's inconformity in your voice as his eyebrows furrow.

"we're not?"

shota aizawa is an idiot. an old, stupid idiot. is this the generational gap at work? you looked at him bewildered, "well, you never said anything about it, so i figured..."

his grip on you tightens. "who else are you seeing, y/n?"

you giggle as you shake your head. "no one else, you big goof. just you." it's during this moment when he feels like he can breathe again. he recomposes himself before replying, "joke likes to run her mouth. doesn't mean i'll concede her every word."

you smile before pressing a quick, sweet kiss to his lips. "do you want to be exclusive, shota? or perhaps are you building your own avengers roster?"

"see, when you put it like that..."

you gasp, playfully slapping his arm. his low, borderline sexy chuckle sends shivers down your spine as he raises his hand to cradle your jaw. "kidding. don't tire your pretty brain for things like that. tell you what, i don't pay any mind to joke—or anyone—because they're not you."

your whole body heats up from his statement. you stare at him in awe as he continues, "you're making me live a life i never lived in my youth."

smiling, you feel your eyes flutter close as your head unconsciously leans towards his chest. he's quick to get you off his lap and tuck you into his bed with him. how in the hell can you get sleepy in the middle of a—

"shota, i can still go on" you whine, a yawn betraying your plea. he shakes his head as his hands fiddle with the rubber band on his hair to let it loose. after switching off the lamp on his nightstand, he turns to you. "i'm a grown man, y/n. your needs come first, and you need sleep."

you smile at him as he lays down at your side, pulling the blanket to cover you both, leaving only your heads to be seen. "happy birthday, shota" you whisper, to which he smiles.

"i l... appreciate you, y/n. very much."

he's not revealing he's utterly lovesick. not anytime soon.

taglist (open): @stunies @hayatoseyepatch @okkotsushi @maruflix @nyxypoo

i'll add a banner later on maybe i'm too lazy. happy early birthday to aizawa sorry if he's ooc. first bnha work in like 4 years. not proofread i'm gonna hit the hay like aizawa and y/n.

[verypeanutgarden]

Ushijima would be the type to not know that he is a natural flirty person. He is completely clueless. Especially with you. Being the manager of Schweiden Adlers you have your challenges with his flirty actions. We are now in the volleyball court of Schweiden Adlers...

•••••••

"Ushijima?" You called.

He turns his head towards you, showing off his abs as he wipes the sweat off his chin. His cheeks, red from the training drill they have been doing for the past hour. He shifts his weight as hes full body turns towards you.

"Yes Y/n?" He replied, as he pulls down his shirt and stares down at you. His body, almost shadowing you. You space out until you snap yourself back to reality, you open your mouth to speak...

"Here is your work out plan" you show him your tablet and with the use of your pen you point out and draw what is needed.

"Starting next week monday, you will be doing more weights during your strength training, and we will implement more foot as well as speed training following friday and saturday training. Sounds good" as you explained you didnt realize the lingering presence behind you bend down and place his head near yours to view your tablet

"Sounds good, may I ask if my diet will change at all" he said bluntly as if your faces weren't mere inches apart. With a small blush forming on your cheeks you take a step away and reply a nope, then running off to the next player you need to discuss their workout with. Ushijima who has no idea of how his actions affect others stand there still confused as to why your behavior has been like this ever since you joined the Schweiden Adlers as the assistant coach.

"Ushijima" the voice behind him said. He turns to see kageyama. "We have to do stretching now." Said kageyama bluntly.

As they did their stretches Ushijima spaces out as to why you are acting this way. Which leads him to a ramen place with two of his team mates. Kageyama and Hoshiumi, they simply went because Ushijima said he would buy them anything they wanted. But what they didn't expect is for Ushijima to ask advice about women. It is good to note that none of the two hes about to ask advice from has no experience with women.

"Maybe shes just quiet?" Asks Kageyama "But shes loud with the head coach." Replied Ushijima.

They had just finished eating when Ushijima proposed the question, 'why were you distant with him, and him alone'. This ended with the three men with no experience whatsoever with the feelings of women to ponder why are you distant with him.

"Maybe she is feeling under the weather?" Kageyama asked, "For the past year?" Countered Ushijima. Which leads the two to hold their hand in their chin and ponder more.

"I mean, it makes no sense for her to dislike you because you have done nothing wrong to her" said Hoshiumi.

Which makes Kageyama nod along, the night goes on and they are left there at the ramen shop asking themselves why you didn't like Ushijima. When in reality it was the opposite, but they can't seem to quite understand that. As the night rolls the sky the two wave goodbye to Ushijima, with a solid goodbye and see you tomorrow the three split ways. Ushijima walking to his studio condo near the volleyball court, he still questions as to why you seemed to dislike him, until.

"Ushiwaka?" A familiar voice calls out. He turns to the voice and its Tendou. Ushijima waves and walks towards Tendou. An exchange of greetings, and they seem to catch the conversation they left off a few months ago.

"So how is that assistant coach of yours? Is she still working for your team?" Asked Tendou. With a nod coming from Ushijima, Tendou knew there had to be something bothering him. So his nose got to sniffing...

"Had a tough day? Seems like you're in thought, Ushiwaka..." Asked Tendou.

"I...just don't understand her..." Replied Ushijima in defeat as if his problems have won.

"Why don't you go talk to her?" Asked Tendou. "But what if she doesn't want to talk to me?" Replied Ushijima.

"Then corner her and ask her properly. Because it would be better than you to assume every thought she has." Said Tendou as a matter of fact tone. Ushijima simply nodded, as the night grew colder Ushijima and Tendou separated ways. Promising to tell each other when they would be in town. As Ushijima unlocks the door to his condo, he realizes he should talk to you and address this whole situation.

The next morning, Ushijima wakes up to his alarm that is set at 6 am, two hours before his training later. He gets up to make breakfast, a simple egg sandwich and then he changes into his clothes. Then goes to the gym to practice on his spikes an hour before training. As he walks into the gymnasium he notices a figure moving around the court, as he looks and enters further. He sees you. He notices the way his heart quickens with your every move. He notices the way his voice catches in his throat as you walk by. He was daydreaming until, he saw your figure wave towards him. Which has him wave back towards you.

Ushijima stays silent, this isn't the first time you have shown him kindness in silence so he decided to take the advice given to him last night.

"Y/n?" Ushijima speaks up. You freeze and turn your body towards him. You raise your eyebrows to him, "Yes?" You replied.

The air so dense around them, making it hard to breathe then Ushijima speaks.

"Y/n, I have to ask if I have done something to upset you...If I have I apologize if I have..." Ushijima trails off in thought, and pauses to wait for your reply. A moment passes and you still say nothing, he opens his mouth to speak again. Until you interrupt him,

"Ushijima, I'm sorry if I gave the impression that I hated you...I just..." You trail off with your words and can't seem to face him a blush forming on your cheeks you fidget with the bottom of your shirt, then you raise your head to look up at him until suddenly he is right in front of you. Bending down to meet your eye to eye, your lips just a few inches apart. If you were to simply take a small step forward, you would have your lips on his.

"Your red...are you coming down with a fever?" He asks as he places his hand on your forehead, your face turning more red.

"Y/n?" He asks. Even though he just says your name you can't help but fall harder for your crush.

"Should I bring you to the clinic?" You wave your hand in front of his face, and take a step back to walk away. But before you could turn you felt a grip on your wrist,

"Please don't turn away from me" he says with a pout in his eyes. Who could say no to him, with this it ended with you in the clinic with Ushijima right next to you.

But it would be an understatement that this would be the end of your story with Ushijima. Because one year from now you would be labeled his Girlfriend and soon to be Fiance, he already bought the ring.

[dairy-farmer]

So. That Normalized Public Sex AU where the canon-ish Bats get trapped there and gotta get back home but the reality of the Timpile bulldozes them to put it lightly

That inspired me. Omegaverse!Reverse Robins get stuck in Canon Gotham (sorry for any ooc-ness)

(cw and tw for brief mentions but no actual discussion of misgendering, racism, and other bigotries)

I'll call them norm!Gotham and pack!Gotham for normal and omegaverse

Because of instincts, packs are possessive of eachother but the Bats turn it up to eleven so unlike norm!Bats they're isolated and myths, practically unheard of outside of Gotham's criminal scene unless all hands are on deck like an alien invasion

Oh yeah, the actual plot. Because pack!Robins are possessive and isolatory, they don't even contact anyone for help, they set up fake IDs that can vanish when nessecery and get to work on dimension traveling tech to get back home

And despite them being in the hellhole that is Gotham, they're putting their all into getting back home instead of vigilanting unless it serves them in going back home or keeping up their fake IDs or peaceful time away from

Because while they could help out this alternative Gotham, it isn't theirs. the lack of secondary genders makes it uncanny and lifeless, and on top of that?

Pack!Tim is an Omega, and he's pregnant

Timpile!! Alphas Duke, Steph, Cassandra and Damian utterly adore and pamper their omega whose only in his first pregnancy! (Maybe they're all sires, maybe just one of them is, your pick)

Dick and Jason are here too, but as far as the five are concerned, they're puppies and will still be their puppy siblings even after they present

So yeah, pack!Robins wanna go back home where everything is their normal. Good god, the rest of their pack must be turning Gotham upside down just to get them back!

So yeah, what's going on is that Duke, Steph, Cass and Damian rotate who stays in their house (in a neighborhood least likely to suffer rogue attacks) and who goes to work to pay the bills

Tim limits going outside since a lack of secondary genders, judging by his research, has led to a world less tolerating of anything outside the M/F gender binary to put it lightly, and he'll no doubt be misgendered due to being pregnan

not that he won't have outdoor walks with his pack, everyone needs fresh air for their health, but only in solitude by themselves

So while Tim works his brains off to get them all home, everyone else assists where they can, and keep Tim from overworking himself; his alphas pamper him in food and hugs, makeouts and sex

pregnancy hormones have increased his libido so much, slick ready at a moments notice, and his alphas eyes glaze more and more as as he swells with their child[ren], nevermind how plush and soft he's grown, how the scent he once had a tightlid on airs out all his feelings for everybody to know 24/7 and how much more he lactates for his alphas and pups to drink it all up

His pups wanting cuddles? They do bother their Alpha parents, but Tim can never turn away his baby brothers and cuddle with them in the nest

And his mates spoil them with gifts and cooked and baked meals and the softest nesting materials

This world feels dead, all the wrong scents are too strong for them, they have to DIY their own scent patches, and they're already baby proofing the house in case the child(ren) is born in this world

Birthing in this world instead of the Manor . . . None of them like thinking about it

This world is so dead, and Tim can only work so much towards getting them home when expecting a child(ren)

It's no wonder then the house reeks of the packs pheromones. that his Alphas are glued to his scent glands, that he is to theirs, and they kiss and fondle and fuck him everyday to strengthen their mating bonds and reaffirms their mating bites

It's no wonder the Alphas on their turns to work find themselves turning fuck sessions they join into orgies with Tim as their pillow princess, all nice and sleepy in the nest where Dick and Jason climb into to cuddle and sleep in and do their daily parent-puppy scenting rituals

It's all compensations and reactions to being trapped in a world that's lifeless without the nuances of secondary sexes. No wonder they've become so much more open with eachother

But they're a big pack. A pack of seven. Four alphas, one omega, and two pups. They'll survive here. Their pack back home is surely working to getting them home too

They'll come home. Surely.

•

In the meantime, the norm!Bats are highly suspicious of the sudden but rare appearance of new rogues dressing so much like but so differently to them!

And they're said to be metas with the accounts of fangs and barks and rumbles. Goons and rogues who fight them call them feral

But given the accounts of a majority of them being POC (black, asian and Arabic), the claims of them being metas are initially brushed off as racism (consciously or not, people have biases)

Until one of the rogues uses what is quite literally Signal's meta ability. So they take the meta theory out of the trashbin but are side-eyeing it since, again, the meta claim could be due to straight up racism instead of actual facts. How accurate are those claims to details on their powers, truly?

So while the pack!Robins are in a fluffy porno with sprinkles of hurt/comfort, and a dash of action for getting back home; pure fluff in the pups eyes

Norm!Bats are in a action packed mystery!

•

Uh oh, there's ideas I wanna propose but I dunno how to connect the dots, uh, uh ,uh!!!!

•

[hypothetical back and forth dialog]

"we can help you get back home, you don't have to commit crimes anymore if you just turned yourself in—"

"no can do!" The blonde heckled

Nightwing was knocked into the wall with enough force to break something that kept him down alongside Red Hood

To his horror, the older vigilante felt his mask get peeled off, and the blonde rogue shriekef

"Pack check this out!" She called her teammates Pack, maybe they did have animal traits?

When her accomplices ran over, he swore the other woman whistled

"wow, we've absolutely gotta prepare the shovel talks for when our littlest grows up." The Meta

The pretentious rogue said "littlest born so far."

The quiet one signed at her team "Red Hood unmasked is oldest pup." Pup? "Oldest pups will have wanting courters swooning for him."

"oh yeah," the blonde hero, "they don't stay young forever, they're gonna want their own families and we gotta make sure they're good enough for them."

His and Jason's identities made them talk about shovels talks, and the meta's powers matches . . .

He used what little strength he had left, "Duke!"

They all flinched and Alternate Stephanie put his mask back on, than ran from the scene with the rest of her Pack

(this doesn't make sense since logically the packs would instantly clock the norm!Wayne as the norm!bats just as it is in pack!Gotham but plot bunny what-ifs don't care about consistency)

•

[hypothetical; norms sneaks a camera into packs master bedroom/nest room somehow]

This was fucked up

This was so fucked up

When they planted the cameras, they returned to watch the live footage from the Batcave, yet discovered only one of them still working, meaning the Pack had sweeped their house but missed a singular camera

The bedroom camera

Damian had called dibs to attend the gala tonight with Bruce, and Alfred was preparing to train new servants, so it was up to the rest of the Batkids to stay up all night and gather information

Hell Duke didn't have patrol or school tomorrow, so just this once he acted his age and stayed up late

They knew the Pack was possessive and their own ages reversed but it was so surreal

Jason looked at the older not-Duke, not-Damian, or Steph or Cassandra as the latter bridal carried a Tim with more chub on his stomach onto the bed, placing him in the center

Not-Tim brought his hands down on his fat, rubbing his hands on his stomach, eyes fluttering shut

No, that wasn't all fat, he had more weight on him than their Tim but "not-Tim is pregnant," Red Hood saw enough pregnant people to not notice it

His Tim's breath hitched

The four not-them got to undressing not-Tim while rubbing their hands all over his body

"what the fuck?" Stephanie whispered

Not-her got on the bed and began prodding at not-Tim's very apparent cunt, inner-thighs slick with abnormal amounts of vaginal fluid

"precious, pretty omega, sleep, let your mates pamper you"

Not-Steph stuck her fingers inside, and Not-Tim gasped, face flushed, drool escaping and eyes hazy

Not-Duke licked it up and licked and kissed at his lovers mouth, moving onto sucking and biting at his neck, grasping at his hair, the audio of their noises filled the cave

Not-Cassandra and Not-Damian held one of Tim's hands each, using their free hands to fondle him, and whispered what could only be sweat nothings

"gorgeous, bred omega. pupped lover. Perfect mommy."

"Rouhi, divine omega, not a day will go by without us filling your womb."

The five were perfectly positioned that they got a perfect view of everything

Not-Steph taking her fingers out to suck them dry of fluids, taking off her shorts to stick her dick ('alternate universe' Jason reminded himself) into not-Tim and rocking their hips slowly

Strings of saliva connecting Not-Duke to not-Tim and the bruises blooming on the latter

Not-Cassandra and Not-Damian fondling not-Tim, whispering praises and worship, teasing his nipples and licking up the milk—milk!—that came out of it

All of them touching their lover as though he and his body were something divine, to be worshipped

'we should turn this off' Jason wanted to say, to do himself. Waited for others to say

He was more concerned with keeping his eyes on the live footage, shameful as he felt

Not-Stephanie and not-Tim shook and gasped

Semen poked itself out of not-Tim

Not-Tim relaxed even further into the blankets and pillows, breathing steady

His lovers, hazy-eyed, looked straight in their direction, grinning

Cassandra squeaked

Only one of the cameras was left

This was planned

This was debauched

This was a show

The cameras had no means of recording audio

Jason saw the four reveal the earpieces they had in their ears, the microphones on their shirts, before Dick finally shut the batcomputer off

"our security and systems are compromised" somehow it felt like their least important issue

Jason looked around the room to see his siblings shocked still, legs pressed together or spread wide apart with a jacket or blanket to cover them, faces redder than ever before

And not out of rage

"He's ours" one of the four was last recorded to say

Tim looked more frightened than the rest of them, running back up into the Manor after Jason glanced at him

•

[hypothetical, norm!Damian sneaks himself to pack!Tim all alone, very visibly pregnant]

not-Tim laid in bed, relaxed in a plush nest, sleepy and delirious, but noticed Damian's presence

Damian had . . . Maybe a lot to loose if the Pack weren't lying about omegas fighting to the death

But if he played his cards right, he could get information out of not-Tim

"puppy, oh puppy you smell packless. You look like our future baby. Puppy come here. Do you feel that kicking? It's your baby sibling. Oh, I can't believe Damian put you in my womb at all, I can hardly believe it . . . "

Damian looks at this not-Timothy as he felt the baby kick. He tried to kill his own Timothy countless time to guarantee his place by Father's side

But an alternate him who was older and thus unthreatened by Drake had- had- made a wife out of his younger brother alongside his siblings and reaped and shared his reward every night?!

Could he have just done that this entire time?? His own Drake could conceive as well, inheriting his place by Father's side would be a guarantee with his own heir secured, but Timothy actively hid it. Something about how the masses would tear into him for not being masculine enough

Hell, Damian only knew Drake had a fertile womb, or one at all because he sought any knowledge he could get on Drake including medical records when he got desperate in his assassination attempts

And if his lessons and research on Western culture were any indication, psuedo-incest as it was called ranged from barely better to barely worse than fratricide, but his siblings and classmates stated multiple times how backwards Western morality was

So what was the answer?

Oh God he's spiralling, were his assassination attempts all for nothing? Or was it his only option because Drake would be evil according to West mortality to court him at all due to meeting him so young?

Before Damian knew it, not-Tim scooped him into the blanket fort and wrapped his arms around him, purring all the while

Damian needed to think about this

Damian needed to rethink everything he thought he knew

•

Just imagine, an omegaverse!Timpile being utterly loving towards their precious omega and igniting a fire in their dynamicless counterpart as they did so, even after they leave the normal!Gotham behind to reunite with their pack back home

tw//cw omegaverse

batstim

canonverse interacting with alternate universe is my FAVORITE of all tropes its so good!!!! seeing tim get red watching the live feed of omega tim getting gangbanged and running away not because he's embarrassed or humiliated but because other tim has a cunt and all the other bats are expressing confusion about how this must be something exclusive to this weirdo freako other universe unaware that tim has a pussy. all the other bats watching older versions of themselves fucking tim and clearly doting on him because he's carrying one of their babies but they're all clearly preparing to be parents together. then jason and dick staring at these young versions of themselves, dick coming to terms with the fact that he's the youngest, the baby in that universe and that everyone looks out for and protects him instead of the other way around.

just everyone slowly digesting this new dimension and everything going on with it.

[strangenewwords]

omg some job listings:

"Not locked into just working 9-5 and embraces an "until it gets done" attitude."

as someone who used to pull 65-80+ hr work weeks in corporate America, never ever ever ever ever apply for a job that says this.

it means they don't value your life. and that pretty salary? it gets really small when you add up the hours.

[hajihiko]

yeah that!

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[welcometogrouchland]

Pacing back and forth rapidly rambling to my parents like a mad man trying to figure out whether or not I experienced sexism at film school today or if these guys are just assholes in a different way

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

People sure do be testing my patience today. 

[allylikethecat]

I am obsessed with All The King's Horses!! It's so good, I love equestrian!George and Matty so much and I can't wait to meet fictional!Matty's mare! He also sounds like the greatest instructor for little kids ever--I'm out here wishing fictional!Matty would have taught me how to ride when I was a kid because no one was that nice to me.

AHHH Thank you so much for sending this ask!! I am also obsessed with All the King's Horses! It's currently my favorite fic that I am working on, I'm like a little kid, smiling the entire time that I'm working on it. I know it's a super niche AU as well, so I'm extra grateful that you've given it a chance!!

I am also SO EXCITED for everyone to meet Fictional!Matty's mare... she is not *my* type of horse in the slightest, but I think she's going to make perfect sense for his character and he loves her so much oh my gosh 🥹

We all need Fictional!Matty to be our trainer! He's so kind, and patient, but will push when he needs to! However, his trainer (who was also his mother 💀) was NOT nice to him AT ALL when he was growing up and he may or may not hold onto some of that trauma... 👀

Thank you so much for not only taking the time to read All the King's Horses but to also send me this lovely ask! I am seriously smiling so much right now, and it was so lovely to see after my own less than stellar ride today. I hope you had a very happy Friday and that you have the most wonderful weekend!

❤️Ally

[anonymousdandelion]

A general tip for students who are sending those dreaded Religious Absence Emails to your professors: Rather than asking permission to take the day(s) off, politely let them know that you will be taking the day(s) off.

In other words, consider not saying this:

"May I miss class on [date] so I can observe [holiday]?"

It's not that there's anything wrong with the above, per se. But because it's phrased as a request, it risks coming across as optional — a favor you hope to be granted. Problem is, favors are not owed, and so unfortunately asking permission opens the door for the professor to respond "Thanks for asking. No, you may not. :)"

Instead, try something along the lines of:

"I will need to miss class on [date] because I will be observing [holiday]. I wanted to let you know of this conflict now, and to ask your assistance in making arrangements for making up whatever material I may miss as a result of this absence."

This is pretty formal language (naturally, you can and should tweak it to sound more like your voice). But the important piece is that, while still being respectful, it shifts the focus of the discussion so that the question becomes not "Is it okay for me to observe my religion?", but rather, "How can we best accommodate my observance?"

Because the first question should not be up for debate: freedom of religion is a right, not a favor. And the second question is the subject you need to discuss.

(Ideally, do this after you've looked up your school's policy on religious absences, so you know what you're working within and that religious discrimination is illegal. Just in case your professor forgot.)

[inkskinned]

no, actually, where is the whimsy?

my ex had a best friend named larry who asked me once: what do you think comes after irony?

we were at the bar where larry worked. it was a quiet night, and he'd hopped over to sit with us on the patron side. i swirled the lemon around my limoncello martini.

earnest positivity, i said, while my ex said, art self-destructs.

i stared at my ex. he stared at me.

his argument was the cinemasins argument: look how bad media is becoming! look at the loopholes and the dumb shit!

it was roughly 2011. galaxy print was still in. at the time, i had a favorite shirt that was a wolf howling at the moon. it got ripped in half in the wash and i honestly still mourn it. i dressed like effie stonem, because everyone did. and irony was the name of the thing. men liked MLP "ironically." the internet liked the kind of crass, "anti-mainstream" vibes of things like fuck romance, touch my butt and buy me pizza. we put cats in sunglasses everywhere, which was because we only liked things in irony.

and media had the same vibe in it: anti-hero white men would be "hard to love" and then storm off the scene. nobody was just earnestly trying to save the world: they were jaded, angry, unoriginal. mad you even asked them to try to help.

my ex ends up not being wrong. cinemasins becomes super popular. a lot of people start viewing media with this lens that is the cruelest, most jaded depiction. it's wrong for your character to have unexplained powers, even if the entire movie is about how strange it is she has unexplained powers - that is still considered a "loophole." characters make thoughtless, panicked choices? loophole. characters are actually kind people, despite hardship? loophole. features a woman doing literally anything without assistance? loophole. movies become hyper-aware of scrutiny, and now irony rules the media.

which means you go to a movie, and the character has to turn to the screen and say "beats me!!" or one of the side characters has to have some kind of quip like "are you seriously telling me that you think this is normal?" because nothing can happen in earnest. like a sitcom laugh track, we now anticipate the fourth-wall break: the moment that the media acknowledges it is telling a story. the media has to apologize for itself, or else someone like my ex rolls their eyes.

but here's the thing: i wasn't wrong either.

the difference might be that i am (and always have been) so soft-hearted that any crack in the light of this world will spear me into the ground. and i was the poet in the relationship. (he thought that was the same thing as being naïve and stupid). i was making things daily. i knew how all of us artists are driven by some strange desire to evolve. he notably liked to critique art, not to create it.

so yes, i've made things that are bitter and angry and even ironic. i've made long, sharp poems with all capital letters, and i've made poems about how the silence stretches out like a song. someone wrote once that we will spend our whole lives just circling the place we grew up. i think it's more that we spend our whole lives trying to remake a home. i think it's that as we age, it becomes less exciting to build the castle on the beach - we become aware of erosion, of windforce. we realize what we really want is to come home to our dog, castle or not.

and while art in the foreground is mired in white male violence and irony, and aggression, and not taking anything seriously - i don't think that's true of all art. i think more and more artists are leaning in to the things we love. the world has changed so much. they have taken so many things from us. the only thing we have left is love. at the bottom of the moving box - all we get is the faint sense that we have to appreciate what little we've got. i can't enjoy this stuff ironically anymore: what room do i have for irony? if it makes me happy, that is an amazing thing. there are so few happy places left for me. i want to be happy because of how leaves shiver beside each other like nestling birds. i want to be happy because of the color pink, and how magenta doesn't exist. i have spent so much of this life suffering, i have earned my right to a gentle ending. if nothing matters, i get to assign meaning to the nothing. i get to create meaning. i am an artist first and foremost, which means creation is my thing.

where is the whimsy? wherever i fucking put it. because if this is my last fucking chance to do any good in this world - i want to do it earnestly. i want to write things that make you happy. that make people feel heard and seen. what comes after irony has to be positivity.

it was close to my 21st birthday. in 7 years, i would end up writing a book about this relationship, which is hopefully coming out somewhere around May 2024. i come back to this bar scene in my memories a lot. i keep thinking of how pale my ex was. the look that crossed his face. how i looked back at him. how for a moment, both of us couldn't recognize the other person. like the gulf between us was a suddenly wide and cavernous thing. like we were alien to each other. he never took my opinion seriously, and he always seemed surprised whenever his manic-pixie-dream-girl ever broke free of the plot. like in the whole time we were together, i wasn't human enough.

this knowledge: where he said nothing comes after, my only instinct was what comes after is love.

[joelsgu4tar]

JOEL MILLER FIC RECS

⇾ 18+ minors DNI, read at your own risk! ⇽

an appreciation to all my favourite writers out there you deserve all the love <3

Series

— Something To Fight For by @auteurdelabre | After a disastrous blind date you decide to stay away from the miserable Joel Miller forever...

— I Know Who You Are by @punkshort | A fall on patrol causes you to lose your long-term memory, forgetting the identities of your friends and loved ones. You have to learn all over again how to survive in a post-apocalyptic world, and you learn things about yourself along the way.

— The One You Need by @loliwrites | When you move into town hellbent on keeping everyone at arm’s length, your neighbour Joel finds his way into your life.

— By The Grit Of Sandpaper by @penvisions | An offhand comment from you inspires Joel to branch out and create helpful kitchen wares. And it seems everyone has been gifted one from him, except for you. It makes you rethink the casual friendship you had developed...

— I Wanna Be Your Lover by @shellshocklove | Miserable after losing your job, your friend drags you out to a club to dance away your sadness. on the dancefloor, you meet a handsome stranger, who then whisks you away into his fantasy world as his assistant for his porn career. what happens when the lines get blurred?

— If The Door Wasn't Shut by @heartpascal | months of travelling with Joel and Ellie come crashing down on you, the fear is suffocating.

— Stay In Bed by @psychedelic-ink | After your grandfather’s passing, you find yourself moving into his home in Texas. You meet the Millers; Tommy, his older brother Joel and his daughter Sarah. With time, you and Tommy become close friends and Sarah visits you often. But Joel…Joel keeps his distance.

— That's A Real Fucking Legacy by @wyn-n-tonic | When Tommy disappears in search of a better life with a promise to come back for you, his years of absence and the grief it leaves behind drives you and his brother closer together until the man you're sharing a bed and starting a family with is Joel Miller and not the one you always thought it would be.

One-Shots

— No Time To Die by @davosmymaster | The main difficulty of being Joel’s closest friend is not falling in love with him, but you still do. Those feelings are buried until you join him on a mission to trade supplies with Bill and Frank. With your life now hanging by a thread, Joel is determined to get you to safety, but the clock is ticking faster than he can run.

— White Lies by @poeticpascal | Joel would do anything for you. He does anything for you. And he makes sure you don't know a thing.

— Saying Thanks by @vivwritescrappythings | Joel is your grumpy patrol partner who doesn’t even talk to you in the streets of Jackson. But one night a man grabs your arm at the Tipsy Bison, and Joel’s decided he doesn’t like it.

— Soft & Sweet by @cavillscurls | You share your first kiss with the last man you ever expected: your older, grouchy, overly protective patrol partner, Joel Miller.

— Who We Are by @gracieheartspedro | Being stuck on the road with an older guy you've been crushing on for ages won't be so bad, right? wrong. because he's been pining after you, too. and one of you will have to give in eventually.

— Warm Me Up by @tightjeansjavi | While on patrol, you and Joel find yourselves caught in a treacherous snowstorm.

— Love In the Time Of Cordyceps by @sameheart-sameblood | When the world ends, you promise you'll never love again. Joel Miller makes that rule hard to stick to.

— Puppy Love by @absurdthirst | You always follow Joel Miller around, you've got his back. You're in love with him. Putting up with Tess's nickname of puppy dog, you don't realize that Joel feels for you until the end.

— Light The Flame by @yeollie-plz | Your mom moves the two of you back to Texas and attempts to reignite an old flame. What will happen when she learns his candle now burns for you?

— Best I Ever Had by @endlessthxxghts | Someone tries to hit on you on your night out with Joel, insulting your man in the process, and oh you don't like that. You blow off some steam in more ways than one.

— Make A Move On Me by @freelancearsonist | You've been teasing Joel every day since he started remodelling construction on your house. He finally works up the courage to do something about it - but not in the way you expect him to.

— Fire Walk by @motherofagony | A chance encounter at a motel has you crossing paths with a stranger in a blue t-shirt.

— Cry Baby by @psychedelic-ink | bodies have been dropping left and right in the most brutal ways in Jackson. As the relentless wave of deaths continues, your mind becomes increasingly restless. however, you find a sense of comfort and solace in the presence of Joel. who might be hiding secrets of his own.

[fingertipsmp3]

Why am I a dumbaaaaaass who doesn’t understand how anything works :(

[foldingfittedsheets]

One of the scariest things that ever happened to me was when I was working at Red Robin. I was around eighteen and I worked as a host. I answered phones, opened doors, and seated people. The job wasn’t strenuous.

One night, the phone rang. It was fully dark outside. My shift was almost over and my mom was picking me up because I still didn’t have a car of my own. She was waiting in the parking lot when the store phone rang.

I picked up with a chirpy greeting and slammed into a horror movie when a gruff voice informed me that he could see me. He had a shotgun pointed into the building and I’d see brain matter sprayed across the walls if I didn’t do what he said. My brain froze in blind panic. I couldn’t believe this terrible thing was really happening to me.

The restaurant was all windows, visible on all sides by the parking lot except for the kitchen. He could be looking in from any direction, shotgun leveled on customers, or coworkers, or me. “Do you hear me?” he asked.

I stared in blank terror, not answering until he yelled, “Do you fucking hear me?!”

“Yes,” I whispered.

“Do you have a cellphone?”

“Yes,” I was so transfixed with fear it hadn’t occurred to me to lie.

“Give me the number.”

My mind suddenly whirred into panicky circles. I couldn’t give some crazy man my phone number, I needed to do something else but I couldn’t make up a number either because my head was pounding with adrenaline. My frightened head latched onto the only other number I had memorized.

I rattled off my mothers phone number.

“You’re going to hang up the phone, walk to the back dumpster with your cell phone in your left hand, and I’m going to call you. No one has to die tonight.”

I stood shaking with the phone pressed to my ear.

“Hang up.”

I hung up the phone. I was trembling, but I knew there was no windows in the kitchen. If I got to the kitchen I’d be safe, and that’s where he told me to go so I could make it there if I just held it together.

I made it to dry storage and met one of the assistant managers exiting. I broke down in sobs and started garbling in incoherent fear. He looked utterly flabbergasted by this, as I had the reputation of being the most level headed of the host staff.

He asked me to wait at the bar. He rushed off to try to finish what he was doing so he could deal with me. I was too scared to leave the kitchen hallway; I huddled as close the end of the bar as I could get without leaving the safety of the wall.

I was sobbing when the bartender looked over and saw me. She gasped in outrage and had me into the managers office in a blink, arms around me asking what was wrong, what was wrong.

I was finally in an enclosed room with a locking door. The gibbering in my head calmed to the point that I relayed the whole thing to the bartender. Near the end, the manager returned. He had my mother in tow.

She was furious, hearing the tail end of my death threat call. Apparently, while sitting in the parking lot she’d received the call I had been too scared to get.

The man had asked if she was me, and she was instantly combative. She didn’t tell him anything, just demanded to know, ��Who’s This?” He hung up.

He’d called back once just saying my name and she’d angrily asserted, “No.” He hung up.

My mom was furious and confused and marched into the building. Part of her anger was that I’d given away her phone number. She’s a violently private person. My manager had been making sure the servers knew they didn’t have a host when my mom burst in on a mission of vengeance. He quickly escorted my rampaging mother to the back room and they were both in time to hear I’d received a death threat.

My mom rounded on my manager demanding to know why they hadn’t called the police and he pleaded that this was the first he was hearing about it. The police were called.

My mom and I waited in a booth while my nerves jangled with anxiety. No one had checked the cars outside for shooters and now I was sitting here exposed, surrounded by windows. She tried not to be mad about me giving her number given my emotional state, but she wasn’t thrilled with me.

A police office showed up an hour later. I answered her questions and my manager asked if I wanted anything. Everyone at the table looked astonished when I requested a root beer float. But by god, I wanted one.

The officer assured me that most events like this did not happen on site, that the caller wasn’t here. I didn’t believe the dowdy woman sitting across from me had even bothered to do a security sweep but I drank my float and tried to forget the darkness of the night staring in from all those windows. The clear line of sight on me from every side. The image of brain splattering against the glass divider. I drank more root beer.

I got a day off to calm down. On closing shifts after that my heart would pound when the phone rang and the bartenders all agreed to be on phone duty for me. A private investigator came in one day and I recited the whole event again. He’d been hired by the company as Red Robin’s nation wide had been targeted by the same caller.

The investigator told me he was working on it. That dozens of other businesses across the country had been called. He told me that if I’d given the caller my real number I would have been subjected to sexual assault over the phone.

I was starting to feel stupid. Everyone I told was so sure that he’d never even been present. That I’d never been in danger. The only thing I could console myself with was that many other girls had given him their number, but I hadn’t. I started forcing myself to pick the phone back up on closing shifts.

A few months later I was notified that he’d been arrested. The private investigator hired by a fast food restaurant had done what the police force hadn’t and tracked him down to a small town in the Midwest. My testimony was one of dozens used to convict him and for a while I received checks for 0.23 cents as reparations for the mental distress.

[liccalavender]

Ace Attorney does not get nearly enough credit for the fact that it consistently portrays relationships between men and women with absolutely no romantic or sexual undertones.

In any other game, it would be very common to make some sort of chemistry between the protagonist and their assistant. We play as an attractive man who's usually smart and charming. With a cute young girl as a quirky assistant. This would be a recipe for some sort of heterosexual romance in any other media.

However, this never happens. The dynamic between the lawyer and the assistant is always platonic. Or even familial. Phoenix and Maya act and treat each other as if they were siblings. Bickering and bullying each other, but still doing anything they can to help one another. Phoenix typically refers to Maya as a kid. Even when she is well into her 20s. While Edgeworth and Kay have a much more of a father daughter bond. Edgeworth constantly worried about her when she put herself in danger. Helping her in all sorts of ways. Even stepping into the shoes of her actual biological father to restore her memories in The Forgotten Turnabout. Of course, Apollo follows this trend as well. With Trucy being has actual biological half-sister. Neither know of this yet still act as if they grew up together. Teasing and poking fun throughout the game.

There's not a single moment for any of these duos that I can recall that scream romantic. With the exception of Phoenix and Maya. Mind you, this not them, actually acting in a romantic way. It is the way their relationship is perceived by a small young girl. Pearl is absolutely convinced that Phoenix and Maya are deeply in love and will be married soon. This is treated as something unfortunate. Phoenix was confused as to why she was thinking this way. Until Maya informed him that Pearl almost never sees a happy healthy relationship between a man and a woman. She has come to understand that if a man treats a woman nicely, then they must be in love. The attitude Phoenix and Maya have about this isn't one of lovers or secret pining. It's one of great sadness for little pearly.

There are characters in the story who do act disgustingly heterosexual whenever they can. Namely, Larry "if something smells" Butz. He's constantly in and out of relationships and always looking for more. He even hinted at jealousy for Phoenix and his friendship with Maya and Pearl. Which is pretty gross. He's shamed and scorned for this behavior most of the time. Signifying, he's the odd one out.

When it comes to fandom shipping, this is a similar story. While yes, of course, there are plenty of people who ship the lawyers with their assistants. It's not nearly as common as you'd think it was. Most people agree that these characters have no chemistry with each other. Most even have the maturity to understand that shipping a man in his mid twenties with a girl usually under eighteen is wrong. In both the Western and Jappanese fandom, I was pleasantly surprised by the lack of shipping for these characters.

I commend the writers for doing this. It is a breath of fresh air to finally have healthy friendships between men and women. Even when they do have more of a romantic undertone, with characters such as Mia and Diego, it is one of respect and admiration. Not one of simply physical attraction.