#not that i have been liveblogging at all because i have been too busy reading

[itstimeforstarwars]

The problem with getting so involved with a visual story that you go through five volumes in a week is that you have very strong opinions on characters you still don’t know the names of.

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s4 episode 10 thoughts

(muffled crying) (sniffing) (conspicuous wiping of eyes) hey guys, welcome back to my liveblog

little did i know! little did past me know what i was getting into when i typed my opening lines below. but presumably YOU, the reader of this post, knew what i was signing up for, so i shall spare my words and just share that i thought it was a VERY VERY good episode, even if it was darker than my usual preference. i tend to like some bantering, but i don't see how bantering could have fit into this one. so let us begin.

i haven’t seen an episode in a few days, which probably explains why this week has been awful. i would wax poetic about how i have missed our agents, but i honestly cannot wait any longer and Need to watch this episode right now. which i think is an emotional one???

(author's note: yeah <3)

i need to TEAR into this, bro. like a bear in a trash can or something.

reading the episode description and this sounds evilllll!!! i still assume everything about samantha is a lie!! it saves time!!

mulder is sleeping… on a BED?? a proper bed?? i can’t tell. it’s so dark. if it is a bed, this is IMMENSE character development.

he sees a red light in the sky :0 and on his walls!! it says “follow” WHAT!!! what does that mean!??

it’s leading him to a car?? wait, he’s at a park? was he camping and that’s why he had a bed? why was he camping? who lured him out here with a laser like a cat… what does “mad hat” mean in this context?

and he is full on chasing this light. i love that for him. the music is super whimsical.

WHAT IS LESS WHIMSICAL is the body of a child sitting in this forest. what the HELL????

okay, tone change, i see you!

but the child sinks into the leaves??

oh girl. they really got me with the whole “it was all a dream" thing, and I FELL FOR THAT!!!

he is actually just sleeping on his COUCH, which i knew had to be the case, because he would NOT use a bed in his apartment. beds are a luxury you only get to experience in motels if your name is fox mulder.

damn, maybe that's why he likes to travel so much... cozy hotel bed... really makes you think

nooo he had a nightmare :( this is sad. he never seems to actually sleep.

he’s gonna find that park he dreamed of and drive there even if it is the middle of the night. in his leather jacket. yes. he means business!!

and he is going to the spot where he saw a body of a child… where now he sees…. dirt 

so the next morning, he’s directing people who are digging stuff up. they look like police

ENTER SCULLY!!!! YAYYYYY :D i cheered!!! she wants to know what’s going on 

“you called for forensic excavation at 5 am on a sunday, what are you looking for?” (he grabs her arm, looking delirious) <- ohhhh i knew after seeing this moment that this episode was gonna wreck me

he asks her to give him a minute, and when she’s all “you’re out here because of something you saw in a dream?” he gives her this look of “it’s not that simple and you KNOW that”. funny how you can say that with just a look.

but someone calls him over!!! NO! there is the skull of a child in there!!!

omfggggg

wait, we literally haven’t even gotten past the intro yet, and i’m already sat at the edge of my seat…………

we are sooooo back, baby!!!

hey, that intro was different from the standard too, i think. but whatever.

scully is deeply confused, asking to hear about his dream. the forensic investigators are digging, but he is implying they aren’t going fast enough… so he’s digging with HIS HANDS!!!! 

oh, he is gonna mess some evidence up this way…

but he insists he knows what happened. 

he describes the murder in great detail, and scully asks, you learned all of this from your dream? and he says no, i have this murderer’s MO memorized; it’s a guy named john lee roche.

so it is the power of careful study AND prophetic dreams at work that make mulder such a good investigator

it seems deeply wrong to see mulder in their office with only a t shirt on and not his fancy suits, but it is the weekend, and desperate times. this serial killer- roche- was very hard to catch back in the day. at the FBI, he was nicknamed “paper hearts” because of the heart trophies he took from the victims… oh… i see where this is going. the title is making sense now.

mulder was brought onto the case because he was thought to be able to get into the victim’s head……. omg… his reputation…. and he concluded the killer had to be someone ordinary who traveled a lot, like a salesman. and he was!!! roche was a vacuum salesman!! 

(do we still even have those?)

scully points out that it was his profile that caught the bastard, and he just shrugs his shoulders. i would expect him to normally be more “yeah, i did that!!”, but it seems this one is very personal to him. not much to celebrate if you only caught the guy after the horrific murders happened.

he says they never found the hearts cut from the cloth, and he always wanted to count them and see if they really added up to 13. after this, he realizes that there were more than 13. this is really sad.

scully says maybe she can explain his dream!!! and maybe he solved it in his sleep when his subconscious took over! oh, she is a good friend

“you said it yourself once… you said a dream is an answer to a question we haven’t learned how to ask” <- YES he said that in 2x12, right? i always thought it was so poetic, and the fact that it was never mentioned again bothered me a little- BUT SHE REMEMBERED!!!

she’s telling him that he did good work, and they can identify the girl and put her to rest, and what if i cry about the way she leaned in to reassure him?? hey. what if i cry?

it’s time to look at some bones. scully seems to have found an identity pretty quick; her name was addie, and she went missing in 1975. 

but mulder pushes back, saying that if that were true, it would mean roche started way before they thought he did. scully points out that the clothes and height match.

oh my god…. the way he’s looking at the bones, and she asks if he’s gonna be okay if they verify it… he shakes his head yes, but it seems hollow. she is trying to be so careful around him. it's making me emotional.

so, they go off to pennsylvania to try and make an ID with addie's relatives. scully does the talking, presumably because mulder is going through a Lot Of Feelings, and the minute they say they’re with the FBI, the dude who answered the door asked “you found addie?” ohhhhh :( 

he immediately identifies the fabric pouch they found with the bones as made for addie... he used to slip quarters in it from the tooth fairy

bro, this episode is sad as hell.

“i used to think that missing was worse than dead because you never knew what happened” (cut to mulder) (cut to him looking at the portrait of addie on the wall) i’m gonna scream re: the implications about samantha

addie’s father asks if there were other victims they didn’t know about, and mulder looks very very very sad. i can sense him feeling that he needs to solve this, and that he’s gonna think he failed for not finding the others before. yes, i know where this is going 

all of a sudden, he remembers from his dream that the killer drove a white el camino, and he probably kept the hearts in there. the car was sold in 1992. that was a while ago. i am feeling some doubts in terms of them still being in there.

“don’t you think the car might have been searched at least once already?” “not by me” <- DAMN!!! oh my god. his sense of duty. that ancient and primal Guilt in him. yeah yeah, i’m eating this up 

they go to visit the car, where a young gentleman has been putting flames on the side. he seems giddy to hear a serial killer once owned his car. which i feel is valuable commentary on the commodification of the true crime industry and how it dehumanizes the suffering of the victims through sensationalism. but mulder is not gonna listen to him blabber, he is gonna get to WORK.

(man, i wonder how these two feel about the rise of true crime as an entertainment industry... i want to hear their thoughts)

they are sleuthing together. mulder takes a knife and cuts right into the seat!!!! he says something is wrong…. and remembers the “mad hat” clue…. he thinks this means it’s in the camper shell??? i fail to see the connection but that is okay, it wasn't my dream

mulder’s acting like a madman, ripping into the fabric of the camper shell, where he finds a copy of alice in wonderland…. WITH A HEART IN IT.

they are leaned in together, counting the hearts, and it would be an incredibly touching moment if it weren’t in such a sad context.

they find 16 hearts :( and he sadly says that means he had two more victims they didn't know about :(

they’re going to go visit roche. or not? someone is playing basketball. 

OH. they’re letting this serial killer, who casually addresses him with a "hey mulder", play basketball?? by himself? that can’t even be fun…

they ask roche why he only claimed there were 13 victims. he said 13 sounded more magical. why is this dude at once so Normal seeming and viscerally scary?

oh… “i understand you take this very personally, mulder” oh no. oh no oh no oh no.

“sink one from there and i’ll tell you” (very high pressure basketball shot that mulder makes on the first try) well okay!!! an athlete!

roche says that if he brings the hearts back, he’ll tell him everything, which was not part of the deal. i am of the opinion that he should not get to see the hearts again, and that if he does, it will be very inappropriate.

oh my god. mulder’s at his desk with the hearts, all organized by name, falling asleep with his glasses on as he holds the last two. he can't even stay awake, he's working so hard to figure this out.

another red light moment!! it is guiding him places…. a dream??

NO!!! NO. it’s leading him to the news of watergate. oh no. i know where this is going.

he sees samantha, and he’s quoting what he said back then when The Incident went down, line for line, because he must have rewatched it a thousand times

we relive the scene, including the flashes of lights. he grabs the gun. this time, and opens the door…. and it’s… roche…?

(well, if it is really him behind the crime, how did he do the whole shaking everything and making stuff float bit? really makes you wonder. because i recall samantha's body floating horizontally for a bit)

but back to real world, where mulder wakes up screaming “samantha!” and again. i WILL cry. oh my god…. there’s a terrible realization in his face as he holds the hearts up.

no, no, no, stop making him suffer.

back to the prison. mulder is without scully this time, but with roche, who asks if he has the hearts. 

mulder is questioning him about the weird comments yesterday, the whole "it's personal to you thing", then jumps right into “where were you in 1973?” and holy FUCK it’s tense.

“what, the whole year?” “november. the 27th of november. do you know what i’m getting at?” oh my god….

roche claims to have sold a vacuum cleaner in martha’s vineyard to mr. mulder at that time…. 

he’s going on and on about his father choosing the vacuum. and mulder’s face is so steely. but when he asks “what do you know about my sister?”, his voice is wavering.

again, roche insists that he brings him the hearts before he learns anything. which causes mulder to punch the shit out of him.

when the guards come in and roche snitches on mulder for punching him, the guard is like “i didn’t see it” which is deserved. more than deserved, actually.

but scully saw it go down!!! i thought he went on his own… guess she was outside watching

she is trying to talk sense into him post-prisoner punching, which has happened a few times now and makes me worry about mulder's employability if anyone knew he had a tendency to get physical with these villains, but i digress.

scully is explaining that roche can use the computer to look up anything he likes and find out where mulder’s from (it’s true! be careful what you post, guys!) and she thinks that he is using emotional blackmail. she thinks roche saw mulder’s heart on his sleeve and took advantage of that.

it would make sense that if he knows that he will spend the rest of his life in prison, he would torture mulder for funsies...

“scully, do you believe that my sister samantha was abducted by aliens?” oh my god we’re going there. i never thought we would go there.

“have you ever believed that?” she doesn’t answer, but she hangs her head… because what do you even say to that?

“no. so what do you think happened to her?” 

he doesn’t know what he believes, but he has to find out… and that shot of scully’s face…… please kill me, it would be easier for all involved :(

in connecticut, mulder is at… his mom’s house? looking in the basement. did he just show up?

he apologizes twice for waking her up and asks how she is doing :( awww :( he was so worried :( oh this grown man… he is a baby to me….

so he pulls out the fabric hearts and asks if she recognizes them. and when she gets confused and tries to explain her memory isn’t as good after the stroke, he smiles, and hugs her, pats her back, says it’s alright.

OHHHHHH THE WAY HE HUGGED HER AND SMILED................. I WILL YELL. I AM YELLING NOW. AHHHH.

anyway. he falls back on a different line of thinking to try and get answers out of his mother: did dad ever buy you a vacuum cleaner? the answer: yes, he did, a long time ago, and it’s down here. he’s tearing through old decorations to find it, and it is the brand that roche claimed it was. he slams his fist down.

now hold on. i’m willing to bet he just named the most popular vacuum of the early 1970’s. because they’ve put too much work into this whole “samantha was taken by aliens or the government” storyline to debunk it entirely. what about her files in the west virginia archive? what about his father choosing which child he liked better? what about the whole “they took her as insurance so mr. mulder wouldn’t snitch on the cataloguing of humans and planning for alien colonization” thing? too much has been invested in this…. i think it can’t be true, but rather we’re exploring mulder’s emotional state with this sick and twisted excuse 

skinner has summoned mulder!!! he is no longer allowed to work on the roche case because he punched tf out of him!!! mulder turns to scully with suspicion and skinner clarifies that she wasn’t the one who reported it (although she should have) but rather the whole thing was videotaped!!!

if i've said it once i've said it a million times: she's real as hell

skinner says that he should have mulder’s ass in a sling (okay, elaborate on that), but he tries to explain that roche might have information on his sister. scully says that it looks possible- he spent most of 1973 in boston, took a trip to martha’s vineyard in october… and it’s adding up.

she loves to do her research. i know she was an academic weapon in college.

skinner says this is even MORE of a reason to get someone else on this case, but scully says that no one knows roche better than mulder, it’s still his case, and we have to find the victims!!!

(angry skinner voice) (forcefully pointed finger at groveling mulder) "you tread very lightly" (forcefully pointed finger at scully) "you see that he does"

he basically said “watch your man, scully, or ELSE”

back to roche. they present to him the hearts, and he has a sick smile. i do not like this

“name them” “well, i think you know one of them already” oh that is evil

(said with the most fury that has ever been concentrated into scully’s voice per word) “prove it” <- she is not gonna let him do this alone, nor will she let him be manipulated!!! she is the best friend out there!!

roche is smiling, talking about watergate, how mulder and his sister were playing a board game that night. he says he was watching from the window. why does he know all of this?

he has this weird fixation on playing games, and says to pick out a piece of fabric, and he’ll give the location of the body it came from. fifty-fifty chance it’s samantha, and either way he gets a victim’s location.

what is up with this dude? why is he so casual about all of this? he does seem so… normal, despite the things he is saying.

at the location roche gives them, they find the words “mad hatter” carved into the rock. uh oh. that is showing up again. he starts digging with his hands.

scully is trying to talk sense into him, saying they need to get an excavation team, but his voice is strained as he tells her to “just help me, scully”. so she joins in, and they find something. he looks like a wild animal.

in the autopsy room, he’s approaching the bones, taking a deep breath as he goes over the case information, trying to prepare himself to see his sister.

there are visible tears in his eyes as he runs his hands over the fabric, then announces (in form of a question) that “it’s not her, is it scully?” there is a sense of relief involved, but still, pain from lack of answers.

samantha broke her collarbone when she was 6 on a rope swing in their backyard, and as he realizes this little girl's collarbone is intact, he’s crying and he’s sighing with relief.

“it’s not her”, she says; “it’s somebody though” is his reply. ohhhh my god. ohhhhhh my god. oh my goooooooood. it's somebody's grief that they have carried with them for decades just as he has. it isn't that much of a relief to know it isn't her if someone else has felt like he has since the 70's.

back to roche. he gives the name of the girl who they did find, with incredible detail on where she lived. scully’s voice is forced as she asks what year this happened, and he’s going on and on about the vacuum he almost sold the victim’s mother.

so mulder presents roche with the last heart, saying that is belonged to his sister. he’s making a big game of this, saying “you need me to lead you through”, to bring him to the place where his sister is buried. to which i think, no tf you don't.

he said he can’t wait to see mulder’s face, and you can hear scully exhale and say “oh god”, and that is how you know things are going to go DOWN.

she says he will see the inside of his cell instead; “you’re going to rot there” (holds the door for mulder) (all things considered, she showed excellent restraint)

she looks incredibly furious at these shenanigans, but softens up to ask if mulder is okay. she says that if they give roche what he wants, he could string them along forever. and it makes sense. there has to be another way to figure out if he is telling the truth.

back at home on his couch, mulder is pondering. he has a few fish in his tank. you need a bigger tank, i think, but idk if people cared about that in the 90's.

NO! he picks up the phone and calls for A REMOVAL ORDER OF A FEDERAL PRISONER!!!!!!!!

he gets on the plane with a handcuffed roche.

what the fuck, i thought we were NOT going to go down this route? what is he thinking?

roche asks to use the bathroom on the plane, but instead starts talking to a little girl, and mulder has to get there NOW, but there’s a stewardess in the way. oh no, what has he done...

scully is forced to tell skinner that mulder did, in fact, let the serial killer out. OH!!! skinner says “you let me down” to her…… oh my god……. that really hurts

she says that she had left mulder to his own devices for one day to get some sleep… do we believe her? honestly, yeah i do. especially because of how furious she became when roche brought up the idea that he could be let out.

she’s trying to advocate for mulder in his absence, talking about the “uniqueness” of the situation with a level voice, and skinner says yeah i know, i said that this situation was really unique the last time we talked, now let’s go and clean up this mess.

oooo skinner is MAD and i don't really blame his anger at mulder, but it's rude af to blame scully for the things mulder did... skinner confirmed anti-feminist, blaming a woman for a man's actions

(i jest. mostly. skinner and i still have beef and we probably always will. every time i think we're past it, he does something else that pisses me off, so we are constantly on uncertain ground. which is very father coded, all things considered)

cut to mulder cam, who is bringing roche to his old house?? roche is unsettlingly tall. he says he sat on the couch when his dad bought the vacuum… and then walks through what he claims happened the night of the murder. mulder’s thoroughly quizzing him, and he’s answering them correctly, even where his parents went once they left. or is he guessing at it all??

he claims to have cut the power, that the door was unlocked, and he walked in…. 

and mulder tried to get the gun, but he claims he froze… 

OH! GAG!!!!!! MULDER BROUGHT HIM TO THE WRONG HOUSE!!!!!!!!!

he says his father bought this house AFTER the divorce… dude, how many properties did this guy own??????

but still. the point is made clear. roche is a fake.

so how did he know these things? perhaps, mulder proposes, that when he got into his head investigating the case, maybe that link goes both ways. that's a terrifying prospect

“and you’re in the wrong house, you stupid son of a bitch” <- this is a powerful line, but you can really hear the massachusetts come out when he says it. i think that’s really cool. i mean, is DD actually from there? i think he is, right? because he went to school with jfk jr. famous boston blood there.

if it’s not a purposeful detail or a inadvertent thing that slips into an actor’s performance when a scene is Emotional, then maybe i need verification: did y’all hear the massachusetts when he said that, too….

roche is scrambling to cover his tracks, saying it was just geography that he messed up, not the actual details, but he has now been exposed as a FAKE and a FRAUD

mulder doesn’t buy it, despite his claims he’s telling the god’s honest truth. hmm. perhaps leave the lord out of this.

then he’s sitting and holding that cloth heart. we hear his sister’s voice in the car, which is pulling away. and he grabs her, holds her close. 

BUT HE WAKES UP AND ROCHE IS GONE AND HE IS HANDCUFFED!!! scully and skinner are at the door!!! roche must have manipulated him in his sleep?

omg…….. 

skinner is letting him have it, saying there’s a predator loose because of him, and how can he explain himself, and. while i agree. if i were in his shoes and there were any chance of getting an answer to the one question that has kept me up at night almost my whole life, i’m not sure if i wouldn't have fallen for roche’s lies as well. it is hard to imagine. i'd like to think i wouldn't, but how can you ever know?

it is a dark and ugly thing that mulder did, letting him out.

but we at least seem to get confirmation that the dream connection theory is accurate?

he asks for skinner’s phone, saying there was a child on the plane, and roche is probably going after her

NO! someone called ten minutes ago with the same name requesting the same information from the airline!!!! 

it seems that the girl’s babysitter believed roche’s lies that her mother was in an accident and he needed to pick her up, and she blames herself for letting her go with roche. but mulder says it isn’t her fault, and it’s his fault instead. 

oh my god…. he tells scully she was right, and when she asks if he no longer thinks roche took samantha, he says it doesn’t matter anymore………. because that grief that has ruled him forever has now been put onto someone else............. how terrible he must feel...

he thinks that roche will be somewhere nearby, and scully is pulling up his old address. he lived on alice road, and mulder says that has to be it, because he got the idea from alice in wonderland!

(i have never read the actual alice in wonderland book. did the mad hatter kill people and take hearts from their clothing? i thought he just. made tea and said weird stuff???)

skinner is in disbelief, but acquiesces to mulder’s knowledge, rounding up his men.

at the apartment, they can’t find anything. mulder is running in a field, climbing into a huge lot of busses??? old run down busses??? i'm confused at why this exists, but following along in terms of plot

he pulls out a tiny gun hidden in his sock (slay) and sprints towards the sound of a girl screaming, but with so many identical busses, where is she???

he hears some movement in one of them…. and finds roche and her in there together. 

and roche is saying that he does think they share that nexus like he claimed. everything is very very tense. 

mulder announces that he is going to take this girl home, and when roche points out that he has a gun, he asks the child to do a favor: count to twenty out loud, quietly and slowly. he has a way of talking to kids like they’re equals and i’ve always found it endearing, but now i’m wondering where tf he is going with this.

roche has the gun pointed at the girl… and we know he is capable of pulling it

roche is trying to say anything he can to get mulder to not kill him, asking how sure he is it isn’t samantha who was the last victim. but i don't think that is gonna work anymore.

and when the kid hits twenty, mulder pulls the trigger

JEEZ, we really saw some blood action go on there!

so the poor girl runs away screaming to scully, who is saying that it is okay, and that she has her (and i am emotional when ever they work with kids okay? especially after that convo in home where they talk about wanting families. whatever.)

and i’m left paused at roche’s dead head, which i feel in real life would have a lot more blood and gore, but for the sake of this being TV, it still is kinda shocking!

mulder’s holding the gun out, staring at roche’s body.

wait. we’re back at his office now. i am going to use this time to analyze the articles on his wall.

“strange activity down under” “are UFOs flying in colorado?” “ranchers shaking their heads over mysterious cow deaths” “US reports visits of UFOs to bases” (picture of crop circles, creepy creatures, a list of planets i think? and the famous poster)

pan to a very very sad mulder. scully knocks and comes in. she is staring at him. they are not saying anything for a few seconds that feel very very long.

oh my god. she comes in with the fabric analysis of the heart. all they can say is that it was made between 1969 and 1974.

she assures him it’s not samantha, and that they’ll find who the little girl really is. 

“how?” “i don’t know. but i do know you.” (he looks up at her while fighting back tears) <- i am going to bite something. her unwavering belief in him will be the death of me.

“why don’t you go on home and get some sleep?” she asks, so gently (at this, he breaks into laughter, which gets a smile out of her)

and he wraps his hand around her waist, leaning his head into her, while she strokes his hair

then he puts the last heart in his desk drawer.

oh my gosh………

where to even begin....?

first thought: he must be laughing at her saying that because she knows damn well that he will not be able to rest, but also because it is comforting to hear how she believes in him. that, or “go on home and get some rest” is their code for “i’m letting you do what you want and not asking questions”, but i doubt that, because she claims to have said that to him earlier, and i feel scully would never EVER have let him release roche if she had known he was even sort of thinking about it.

second: yowch. this one hurted!

it took me an hour and 51 minutes to get through the 45-ish minute episode because i was SO glued to noting every moment. 

i tend to prefer the episodes that are more lighthearted, so i did feel that absence here. that being said, i don’t think it would be possible to explore this side of mulder with there being humor in the plot or script, especially after we have seen how he uses it as a defense mechanism. when he can’t joke about something is when you know he’s hurting terribly. 

it was dark. very dark. but i still enjoyed it for the character analysis. i love a character analysis episode, i love diving into what makes someone who they are. there was this sick relationship between roche and mulder where you knew he was going to do anything to get the answers, no matter what the risks were or who was placed in danger. and i think that shows the scary and dark side of mulder that can get overlooked; how his bloodhound-like need to sniff out an answer can and will endanger himself and others. but he is aware of this fact, and seems regretful, especially when he says it doesn’t matter anymore if he finds samantha, because he inadvertently put another child in danger to do so. and he is aware that the suffering he has felt is now going to be passed onto someone else if he does not fix it Right Away. which he does.

getting to see the good parts of a character driven to such an extreme where they become terrible traits is a rare treat. still, it can be hard to see your blorbo do bad things.

i do often wonder about his slapping of criminals and why he hasn’t gotten fired for some of these many rule-breaking sessions, but. shrugs. it’s not real, so we can’t entirely place real world logic on this stuff, i guess.

honestly, we also saw a lot of scully and learned about her character here, too. how she tries to draw the line between her own beliefs and the very real pain that mulder is suffering, and how his pain breaks her heart; how defensive she is of him, in front of roche and skinner or even the whole world, i’d imagine. her courage to look her boss in the eye and ask for mercy on his behalf as he goes out and breaks every rule known to mankind because he wants to bend the earth to his will. that bone-deep righteous conviction she carries with her that i love so much.

and more on how she’s always touching him- they skirt around the emotional issues at hand, asking if he’s okay to make an ID or to see the autopsy and not really touching the sore spot with words unless they absolutely have to. but while they only brush it verbally, she is physically reaching out to him, leaning in, stroking his head, touching his arm… god, the way they communicate kills me. it's like they find it far easier to let their bodies express emotion, which probably comes from the constant need to Be Strong both of them feel in their line of work, but it is really compelling. it's fascinating. as someone who is always going to tell you how i feel at all times, i find it very intriguing. are they afraid to say what they mean? or do they have this connection that words aren't needed for? please let me know what you think. am i alone in this? do you think they are good at talking about their feelings? or am i voicing a popular sentiment that they are mostly pretty Bad at it. because i'm thinking of other times where they are Honest and Truthful, and they tend to keep it very succinct. maybe that's what makes it more impactful.

how he laughed at her after she said she believed in him, and how she smiled back, how he leaned into her????? can i bottle that and drink it when i feel like suffering?

god, i’ve felt that when i read dialogue prompts, they don’t seem to work for writing msr as easily as you would think, because so much of what they say isn’t even said. it’s in glances and touches and leans, and the words tend to be sparse but truthful when they matter and witty and prolonged when it’s nothing of importance. what a strange balance they have. shoutout to people who write msr, because it seems very hard to do when you want to write a genuine tale of them getting up to emotional activities.

overall, i liked this episode, but it was still a bummer. s4 is full of bummers, so far. i have not giggled in a while. i would like to giggle at some point in the future. perhaps that is something we can work toward. i once again request a fic where they go to an apple orchard. perhaps i shall end all of my posts with that, at least until we get some levity back to the game. that being SAID, it was still excellent.

let me know what you think- does everyone agree that this is a good episode? did you feel sad? did you think it was Too Dark? any criticism? any high praise? and the big one that is nagging at me now: how tf do you understand the way they communicate? can it be conceptualized?? please share with me all of your thoughts in as much detail as you can spare.

[ramayantika]

Old desiblr as a locality post

A day in Desiblr gully

It's 5am and some of them are going to sleep now after having a good screentime duration while posting, "I need to stop being chronically online." Some of the artists are busy decorating their walls with their dream vacation and outfits photos and calling it a moodboard. Their houses look the prettiest because everything is set according to an aesthetic.

It's 7am now. The early risers are posting good morning messages and other teens are getting ready for catching their school vehicles while liveblogging their activities before eating one last morsel of their breakfast. A random 18 year old is getting scolded by his friend to not skip meals again or she will come with a knife. College going peeps are watching all of this silently. Some are glad that they are done with school. No more waking up at 6 and getting ready while some feel nostalgic looking at these kids doing the things they once did.

"Guys aaj meine aloo paratha banayi hai!" A girl posts a photo of makhan maar ke aloo paratha and few others immediately rush inside her house to have her delicious parathe. Someone then says, "yaar mujhe bhi aisi parathe bannani hai."

It's 12pm. The gully is a little silent now. Students preparing for competitive exams are studying. School going kids are busy with school while desperately wanting to rush home to their Desiblr gully and narrate what Mrs A said to their friend or the latest drama in their lives. Some people have saved paintings and poetry quotes to tag their friends who always stand with them and appreciate their work. They never tell them this, but they know that if they make it big in publishing something, a major credit will go to their friends for reading or appreciating their work.

And finally it's 3pm. The sun is high up in the sky. The lanes are filled with chitter chatter of school kids coming back. Some are announcing that they finally proposed their crush while some are busy debating if the said person likes them or not. Their faces are a little tired but their hearts are brimming with enthusiasm. It's good to be home. They eagerly head home and freshen themselves.

'I need to thank didi for sharing those maths tips. Only due to her, I got 97% in maths."

Here everybody eats lunch together. There are tables and mats laid in the common garden. So many dishes belonging to different cuisines prepared by everyone from different states of India is served here. There are sweets and very spicy foods. Some got local desi refreshing drinks to beat the summer while some got their delicious homemade achaar.

Do you hear someone singing? Yeah they are the singers of our neighbourhood. It's a desi mehfil. Some of them have been training in music while some join in to vibe. It's a fun activity nevertheless. The mic is open, you can join in anytime.

It's 5pm. Some of them took an afternoon nap and woke up dazed. A tent is set up. It's a cultural evening today, I think. Wait for it, we may not have the best costumes and stage arrangements but we have got some talented performers. Love lorn poets have got their poems out, the dancers are dancing on movie songs while some choose devotional pieces. Look at her, she sings so well! The crowd is singing with her too. Wait for another hour and you will see some of our amazing photographers and painters with their brilliant artistry.

Now everybody is heading to study and take cars of their other jobs. Some are cleaning their homes (blogs) and painting the walls after they saw a movie and want their house (blog theme) to match the colour scheme. Is there a warm happy feeling in your heart? There is always this feeling in the air here.

Well this small neighbourhood is pretty and chaotic. Sometimes you might feel as if you do not fit in. Everyone looks intimidating. Their are scuffles and fights too at times. But just wait for a while and give time, you will find your own circle too. Be prepared to take care of some absolute unhinged friends too for they be taking some really impulsive decisions.

I think it's 10pm now. Some are having dinner right now with their friends. There is a boy busy completing his assignments after procrastinating the whole day (he made his friends bully him to make him complete it)

Do you know we maybe young, very young but we got hearts and somewhere a little wisdom too. This is the place to be yourself the way you are. You don't need to pretend here. We cry loudly and laugh loudly too. Our friends have seen the best and worst of us yet they choose to stay with us through thick and thin.

It's midnight. Someone announced that they are leaving this place saying, "it's time to move on friends. You all made my life brighter and I am so grateful for each on you." See how every person goes and hugs them. Some have started crying but they all choose to let them go. It's only for the best, they say. 'Just remember us in your memories. We wish you all the best, friend! Goodbye! Our doors will always be open for you if you ever decide to come back.'

It's dawn once again. Someone will come up with a new poem as an aubade to wake up sleepy heads for school. O look, a group of girls are singing devotional songs. It's a beautiful start, isn't it.

This is our colourful little community. Humari Desiblr gully...

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Hello everyone, today I'll do something never before seen on the flames and darkness liveblog which is read TWO chapters!! Idk man, i havent been able to read more than one chapter at a time recently because this book suddenly turned into such a slog to get through, although granted that might also just be my mental illness making it more difficult. whatever, i'll be in treatment for that next week

Anyway, today I'll be reading chapter 44 which is the star fall chapter, and chapter 45 which is. a chapter. Knowing this book series nothing of note is gonna happen in that one but that wont stop me from reading it

Chapter 44

Okay, theyre mentioning Feyre not looking so emancipated amymore and it made me remember all the weird weight shit from the start of this book. Like, she was losing weight because she was throwing up all the time and then not eating a lot and everyone was constantly remarking on that and it was unbelievably uncomfortable, but then when Feyre officially joined the night court and everyone immediately stopped talking about it, it almost feels a little manipulative, if that makes sense. Like, this book is ostensibly about Feyres healing journey but the Night Court cannot, under any circumstances, have anything negative associated with it so her trauma basically just disappears so we dont have to see the unpleasant parts of her recovery, she has one (1) nightmare after she starts living there permanently, one (1) moment where she feels too depressed to leave the bed and a few moment where she acts out but then immediately feels bad for it every time

Ughhhhh Feyre is wearing a dress for this which is really frustrating but you guys already know how I feel about that so shant go into that much more detail on this

I swear Im not just saying this to be a hater, Feyres dress sounds so tacky too

yoooooooo is Cassian implying he'd like to wear a tacky ass dress too??

and yet hes just wearing a BLACK TUNIC bro Feyre is literally covered in diamonds from head to toe so she can look like a shooting star or whatever and Cassian doesnt even have the decency to wear a black tunic that glitters or something?? Or hell, maybe even a red tunic to match his siphons, idk, give me SOMETHING im gonna tear my fucking hair out

Feyre is wondering about the IC being her friends and its like, girlie theyre barely even each others friends and youve known each other for maybe half a year to their 500 years

Feyre is describing Azriel hungrily staring at Mor's ass and it reminded me of that one bonus chapter Ive seen discussions about where he's really horny about Elain in a way thats pretty uncomfortable, and a lot of ex-Elriels say that it made them stop liking the idea of the ship because thats when they realized that SJM was just gonna mutilate both of their characters for the sake of smut, but honestly I dont think she would even need to mutilate Az that much

I could not give less of a shit about the Mor/Cassian/Azriel drama but I have to admit its kinda funny reading about Feyre speculating so much about Mor's relationships knowing shes gonna turn out to be interested in women

Mor says that Rhysand was very upset after she had sex with Cassian and beat him up as hard as he could (#incest) but she says he wasnt upset because of her virginity but because of the danger she put herself in by losing it, which is like, first of all that seems like splitting hairs, he was still upset that she lost her virginity even though that was none of his business. And second of all, I think it would actually make sense for him to have the kind of archaic sexist beliefs that would make Mor losing her virginity upsetting to him, considering he was also 17 when that happened just like Mor and Im guessing there wasnt anyone around to teach him feminism. or maybe hes so feminist he came out of the womb believing in womens rights and didnt need to be taught anything

god, the inner circle dynamics are so comically fucked up I have no idea how they can stand being around each other

Again, Im not much of a Feylin girlie but "Your hair looks... clean." >>>>>>>>>>>>>> "You look like a women again." (???? whats thag even supposed to mean)

So Rhysand is not wearing a black tunic, but he is wearing wearing a black jacket which is equally disappointing. atleast he has his tits out i guess

Rhysand was gone for 50 years and yet his best friends are not spending any time with him at their first party together since theyve been seperated, thats what i call friendship goals

Yeah, I guess its kinda sad that Rhys missed out on important holiday that meant a lot to him while undr the mountain but you know who else had to do that? Literally everyone that wasnt from the spring court

So he doesnt wanna tell his friends, who are by all accounts doing alright because theyve spent the past few decades trapped in a beautiful idyllic city, about his trauma but hes perfectly fine traumadumping on a twenty year old woman who just started to recover from her own trauma

Maybe Im just in a bad mood but this bullshit where theyre getting covered in star spirits or whatever feels so joyless to me, like its not whimsical or fun to me

Okay so, Ive heard about Rhysand calling Feyre exquisite and it made me cringe just thinking about it, but it looks like theyve translated that to him calling her 'herrlich' which means the exact same thing but it sounds a lot less weird and bad. once again, thank you, Alexandra

Feyre really just said "You regret sexually assaulting me? But why?" huh

Chapter 45:

Okay, thats the end of the chapter but theres two more things that kinda annoyed me that I didnt feel the need to mention as I was reading. 1) Feyre kept going on and on aboht Rhysand being her friend, it felt so insincere, its like sjm say a post online right before she started writing this chapter that was like "in the best relationships, your partner isnt just your partner but also your best friend" and decided to put that sentiment in her book, and 2) I felt like there were so many moments towards the end of that chapter where Feyre is like "oh, ive never felt this way with anyone" and its very obviously alluding to how she didnt love Tamlin as much as she does Rhysand now, and it was just very strange to read, like Tamlin was haunting the narrative even though hes not even dead yet

Uhm. so i got really tired all of a sudden so I took a nap at this point and read some gay vampire fanfic to rejunivate myself and now Im ready for whatever happens in the next chapter

"I was a traitor. [...] Even though I oficially left Tamlin - it was only two months ago, after all. By Fae standards that was probably barely more than a day." Oh yeah, i havent been keeping track of the time thanks for reminding me that this story about immortals is moving at a breakneck pace for no goddamn reason. But also, as an author trying to write a grand long-lasting romance, why would you write this. I know Feysand are gonna get married at the end of book and now when I get to that point Im not gonna be thinking "wowwww such romance" Im gonna be thinking "damn these bozos did the fae equivalent of getting eloped in vegas after knowing each other for barely a week"

Oh, men of all ages are training at this camp? would you say some of them are. child-aged

Feyre is being all "its so cold here, im freezing in my illyrian leathers I cant imagine a child with no clothes surviving here for a single day, much less eight years" (referring to Cassian) and yet she doesnt spare a single thought to all the children who have to be at this camp as well because this is the camp that the batboys grew up in, its not like this is a different kind of camp where they dont train children

God I hate Feyre thinking about how fuckin powerful the batboys are especially because its like, Rhysand is literally their high lord, he already holds so much power over the guys running this camp we dont need a reminder that he could easily crush their minds or that his goons need more syphons to contain the totality of their power or whatever

I get that these guys are like, shitty misogynists or whatever, but I dont think Rhys throwing them out of the house they live in is some #boyboss move hes just being an asshole

Rhysand would never want to lock Feyre in a house for protection, but he does want to decapitate anyone who lays a hand on her which is soooooo much better

Rhysand keeps calling the.... "females" of this camp "girls" which implies one of two things: 1) hes talking about adult women, hes just calling them girls, which is not very feminist of our feminist king, or 2) hes talking about actual girls aka children which. thank god for our feminist king having equal-opportunity child soldiers

Its actually kind of surreal how theyre at the camp where the batboys spent their CHILDhoods and Feyre keeps talking about what it mustve been like for Cassian while the narrative is actively avoiding talking about children being at the camp at this present moment while also not outright stating "there are no kids here at this present moment"

"'[The clipping of the wings is] to ensure the safety of their women, they said.'" this reminds me of something @/kateprincessofbluewhales said in regards to Rhysand forcing illyrian women to train but not doing anything else to advance their rights, which is that the wing clipping mightve started as a way for men to help women dodge the 'draft' that seems to be mandatory for all healthy illyrians. I dont really have anything else to say about that, it just popped into my head and i thought it was interesting

Rhysand is talking about how at some of the camps, women are declared anti-marriage material if they train and how he cant do anything about that and its like, even if these women are not officially declared unmarriable or whatever, the misogynistic men that make up these camps are probably not gonna wanna marry a women who trains, so what difference does that really make

Also, he says the only thing he could do about 'laws' like that is to murder the warlords and take their children/trainees? under his wing and I guess he thinks he would have to do that for every camp that does that but honestly, I think just doing it once or twice would send a powerful enough message to discourage other warlords from being misogynistic. And he wouldnt have to raise all these children all by himself either, Im sure he could get the help of a few non-sexist men or even, gasp, some women. Like those priestesses living in that library Im sure some of the ones that have already recovered from their trauma somewhat wouldnt mind teaching some boys about the harm that misogyny does

Okay so the blood rite is called a Blutritual [blood ritual] in german which is a little confusing because a ritual is a pretty specific thing and I dont think the blood rite is that specific thing but whatever, it sounds cool enough

Ive said this before, I am not a Tamlin girlie, at best I prefer him to Rhysand, and I dont like or trust Rhysand at all, but imagine hearing that tragic story about how their families killed each other, leaving them as the only survivors and being like "I cant believe Tamlin killed Rhysands family!!" especially when its like, the only person Feyre actually knows Tamlin killed is Rhysands dad who sucked ass, its not exactly a great loss

I feel like i had a lot of thoughts about a lot of things in this chapter that I couldnt write down because theyre these abstract half-thoughts, so I think I'll let those marinate until theyre full thoughts and share them with you at some later date

[marleysfinest]

i have love to share muvva

@drivemysoul my cherished snk swiftie pal. it was so delightful to watch u liveblog it truly unspoiled since i'm also quite the latecomer too and i feel very Affirmed in my own reading and feelings!! they are so damn smart and funny and full of love and deserve the world. i also feel like we're in a weird exchange program every time they quietly like my nick cave posts as a real life australian meanwhile taylor swift is practically my neighbor

@felineverdure my doppelwife down to name and possibly ethnicity whose art i LOVE (big shout out to skin tones and melinated jean, impeccable hair and noses and jawlines, contributing to the tumbleweeds of the hitchannie tag), we have the same taste in old men, responsible for More More Chefs AU. if i get my shit together for RJW halloween the bit of flojean is for her, that's how powerful kat is. every day i'm more alarmed by how hard our interests overlap (asoiaf, buzzfeed unsolved, (g)i-dle)

@avellanaslesbianas the backbone of kenuri micronation who tolerates my depravity. we've both projected loser 80s rock musicians who've aged into conservatism (morissey and cave) onto this man. her art can make me chuckle til the cows come home AND fall to my knees. besides snk i feel like a bit of a minority in this corner of tumblr as someone whose weab lifetime has mostly been in (mahou) shoujo and josei and yuri so avellana is also my bud on that front

@daryascurse OH our pedantic ass philosophical speculation about selfshipping into AoT while not white!! i feel very giddy when darya asks about katken and i count her as another shoujo comrade, furuba and bssm especially. darya also has Quite juicy music taste and vibes i just imprinted on immediately idk!!!

@strawberrystepmom my pisces brother let's run an astrology consultating business out of a houseboat

@myrtlesandasphodels is very precious for our ASOIAF shared wavelength that i *think* translates to having good robust thoughts on the women of snk. i am neglecting our girl annie so much lately but rest assured she is not forgotten. every donut i eat brings me back to carly stratmann

i will always count @oxygenbefore1775 and my NIECE @fromriches-tosin as my first friends in this fandom because i entered quite truly like, a month before RJW 2024, and i admire their writing so hard. they inspire most to keep up canon x canon writing!! i'm so behind on just reading let alone writing fanfiction but their shit is top of my damn queue. i live for all of mae's art but especially mikasa my god

@pisspope is the reason i selfship to begin with you damn witch (gn) and i do think we met on the streets of ********* five years ago and fractured the universe. i love our kink venn diagram and holding down this side of the pond together. i scroll up to our entirely spoilered boot discussion to laugh periodically. i think we will meet physically and that's a threat

@marleysfinest just that This is ur milestone event and the liveliness of your inbox every damn day shows you have a big ol heart and are so good at gathering people, it's so very moon-jupiter trine of you

MORE LOVE IN THE WORLD!!!!!!! Kat ily behind words kiss kiss mwah mwah

spread the love for muvva’s feel good 500!

[windienine]

various symphonia liveblog thoughts

alright! i played a little more of the game, and it's shaping up interesting.

tree of mana is dead, half-elves (deserians?) have resorted to using human bodies as vessels for magic (?) which turns them into monsters (??). the protagonists all live in or near a village that has a tentative treaty with the deserians so long as they don't interfere in the human experimentation business.

colette, born to a human by an angel, been chosen to resurrect the world and become an angel, but this isn't really the kind of journey that you come back from in one piece as a human. she doesn't have any strong outward opinions on this, but from her goodbye letter/will it's clear that she's kind of reached a sense of finality already.

genis is a child of elves (?) (they're not really tolkien elves, just humans with extra capacity for magic, maybe...?) who knows spells and reads way ahead of his grade and is an orphan who has a very close relationship with lloyd.

lloyd is the adoptive son of a dwarf (cool magical tinkerer) and friends with both genis and colette and he's the best because he's an annoying brat who questions everything that happens pretty much ever. he's not booksmart, but he's inquisitive and importantly is not okay with a treaty that forks humans over to a ranch to be experimented on or colette going on a journey that might kill her (at least not without him for emotional support), so he's the only person who truly wants to intervene in both these situations despite the odds. he gets punished for that mindset-- which does have the capacity to hurt people-- but doesn't let that stop him. he knows he's doing the right thing.

kratos,

okay so colette's summoned to a temple where she's supposed to receive her quest, which all happens according to plan except for some deserian goons who try to kidnap her; the gang fights them off.

lloyd fucks everything up by violating the treaty in trying to rescue a human prisoner from the deserians, who were apparently different half-elves from the ones who tried to kidnap colette. whoopsie.

i think it's nice that i can see exactly why these three are friends. colette's kind of resigned to everything and genis has opinions but not really the willpower to act on them on his own, and lloyd acts as a voice for colette when she struggles to assert herself and guiding hand for genis when he feels conflicted. and genis kind of has to reign him in when he gets too Into It. i'm excited to see the third axis there, whether genis and colette have their own unique dynamic, because until now it seemed to mostly be through raine that they had a connection. i don't trust u, raine.

it's all surprisingly charming and a little tragic. i'm logged in. let's go crash a heroes' journey.

[iguessitsjustme]

Tsukuritai Onna to Tabetai Onna Ep 3 & 4 Thoughts

It has been a week and an entire half. I wanted to watch this earlier this week but there was just no way that was gonna happen. Not only was my tendonitis acting up but dear god. I’ve been going through it. Anyway now I finally have time and it is time for me to resume my liveblog for this wonderful and glorious show. Let’s goooooooooooooo. As always, under the cut.

You guys will never believe it. But right as I was about to watch my mom called. So I need to pause before even starting to discuss Pit Babe with my mother who has just finished it.

Okay. I’m not done talking to my mom but my aunt called and my mom needed to take her call. I was just in the middle of my rant which I can finish later. So my liveblog will probably get interrupted again. Which means nothing to you guys reading it except for when it interrupts my commentary. But this way we both get interrupted…I digress. Let me actually start watching now. Also my finger is currently bleeding so I’m not sure how much I’m going to type because of the…ya know…blood. And I’m too lazy to go get a bandaid.

I love how cute this opening song is. It’s perfect. Adorable. Cute even.

Hey bastard. Do not EVER comment on what someone else is eating. Especially a stranger. It’s not okay with friends, it’s not okay with family, it is not okay NOW. Keep your big mouth shut and mind your business.

I fucking love her. I’m sad she drank that beer but I love that she shut him up. He was such an ass.

Awwww they’re comparing how they wrapped their gyoza but they are so sweet about it. No judgement. Just different. I love them.

Awwwwwwwwww she specifically picked up the beer. She put down her chopsticks to pick up the beer. Oh I am unwell about this.

Anyway who is gonna come visit me to have gyoza rice and beer? I like two of those three things but now I feel like I gotta try them all together. And I need someone to do it with me. Any takers? No? No one? Yeah I get it. I’m too far away from y’all aren’t I? (makes note to tell my mom to get certain ingredients for when I’m there for the 4th)

Ope and look at that my mom called back.

I just word vomited all about that Wandee Goodday episode today to her so everyone thoughts and prayers for my mother for having to deal with me and my incessant chatter. If you think I don't shut up on twitter, you will not believe what I'm like irl.

SHE LAUGHED. Did I rewind it just to watch it again? You bet your ass I did. How wonderful.

Good advice. Direct communication. Just ask.

Awwwwww she gave her food when she didn’t even know how much she needed it….I’m really gonna need to learn their names. But I am so, so bad at it. Someone help me actually.

No YOU’RE crying

Alright time for episode 4. I can only do two episodes today alas. But I am loving this show.

Me, about all of the QLs that are currently airing

Yes, yes she is.

I did not have a lot to say during episode 4. I was too busy smiling at my screen. I enjoyed it immensely. These two. I’m….fine. I’m fine. I swear.

[makeste]

[39 weeks later]

well all right then. I owe some explanations and some updates, so let's just get straight to that.

1. "what the hell, makeste. you can't just disappear for nine months and leave a sign on your blog that says "gone leavin'.'"

yeah I know. sorry guys.

so there are a lot of reasons for my long absence, but when you boil it all down, the essence is basically as follows: at its absolute max capacity, my ADHD brain is capable of keeping up with any two of the following: (1) work; (2) school; (3) tumblr. that's it. only two. no more and no less.

and for years this has not mattered at all because school was no longer in the picture! but as mentioned in my last two update posts, as of this past January, I had to start taking classes again for career advancement reasons, meaning my brain was quickly overloaded and something had to give. so yeah. I can assure you the past nine months have absolutely sucked and I am not AT ALL sure that it was worth it, but it is what it is.

I also want to add that I never intended to basically fall off the face of the earth anywhere near to this extent, let alone for this long. but in retrospect I probably should have seen it coming, seeing as this is not the first time it's happened, sob. and also in hindsight, towards the end of last year (during which I was already struggling to keep up with the weekly BnHA reactions) someone mentioned that it sounded like I was showing signs of being potentially close to burnout. turns out that observation was spot on lol.

so yeah. tl;dr, burnout + an obnoxiously busy real life schedule + a sprinkling of good old-fashioned ADHD "somehow I always underestimate how hard it is to restart something after taking a long break from it, and the longer I go without returning the worse it gets" brain shenanigans (more on that last part further down).

2. "MAKESTE. WHILE YOU WERE GONE, IN THE MANGA, THERE WAS A THING -- "

yes I have unfortunately been spoiled about The Thing.

3. "so wait, exactly how spoiled are you?? CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE THING"

I will make a separate post to talk about The Thing! I expect that many people will want to talk about this, and tbh I've really been wanting to talk about it too! I'm telling you, when I say the past nine months have sucked, I mean they have truly SUCKED, you guys. school is so fucking boring and I miss rambling about fandom stuff so fucking much.

anyway but with that said, ~*~PLEASE DO NOT TALK ABOUT ANY SPOILERS IN THIS POST~*~. I don't want to delete anybody's comments! but I will if necessary because I am a spoiler narc and I don't want to risk accidentally ruining stuff on the off chance that a non-spoiled person comes across this post. so yeah. however please do feel free to message me or comment in my other post (which I will link once it’s up; eta: here it is) if you do want to talk about The Thing.

4. "so aside from The Thing, are you otherwise caught up with the BnHA manga currently?"

so here's the hilarious part: no, I am not caught up. not even remotely. literally the last chapter of BnHA I read was chapter 339, which is the most recent chapter that I liveblogged, all the way back on December 31, 2021. I literally have not read a single new BnHA chapter in the year of our lord 2022 lol. :') basically for the same reasons I mentioned in my previous update post. tl;dr, reading/liveblogging a single new BnHA chapter is a minimum 4+ hour commitment for me, and by this point I have accrued a backlog of... oh sweet lord. 35 total chapters lol. so yeah. that's approximately 140 hours of catch-up that I need to do, which is paralyzing just to think about.

I do still plan on catching up, obviously! I'm just not sure how, lol. I may have some time to spare this weekend, so I might try to binge a few chapters and see how it goes. then I'll have to come up with some sort of sustainable posting schedule. I've been thinking about this for a while and I might try to do a Mon/Wed/Fri thing if I can swing it, but I don't want to commit to anything for sure yet until I see how those first few chapters go. fingers crossed, though.

anyway so I guess that's it. post is getting long. anything more will just be rambling.

sorry again, guys. how is everyone? what did I miss. aside from twitter dying and tumblr welcoming the refugees into our culture by inviting them to participate in the newly created fandom of a nonexistent 1970s mafia film.

[blackjackkent]

I was reading back over my liveblog from last night (this post, specifically), and it occurred to me there was a comment Wyll made that might have resonated more with Rakha than occurred to me at the time.

-----

"Wyll."

"Hm?" Wyll looks up, jarred out of his thoughts as Rakha speaks to him. She has a way of coming out of nowhere, even in the close confines of camp. Then again, he also wasn't really paying attention. When they aren't on the road it's easy to get lost in his worries - in brooding on what has been done to him, worrying about Mizora's future plans and his own identity. "Sorry, I was... well. Never mind. What do you need?"

Rakha eyes one of the tent poles, seems to consider leaning against it, then changes her mind. "What is the River of Blood?" she asks.

As always, her questions come so directly, so without preamble or nicety, that it is a little startling. Refreshing, too - Wyll grew up among nobility, where every conversation had at least four layers of politics and nuance. None of that to be found here, certainly; if Rakha asks a question, it's because she wants to know the answer. She is not one for games.

This particular question is a bit jarring, though. "What?"

"The River of Blood," she repeats. "When we spoke last. You said - one who bathes in the River of Blood is born anew." She quotes his own words back at him with clipped precision.

"Oh." He'd almost forgotten the offhand comment. "Right. It's... another name for the Styx. The great river of the Hells."

"Styx." She echoes the word, fixing it in her mind. "And it flows with blood?"

"Ah, no." He smiles faintly. "Well, not entirely. Plenty of blood in it, from what I hear. I've never seen it myself."

"Ah." A pause. "And born anew?"

"They say--" he begins, then stops, his eyes narrowing sympathetically as he realizes why she is asking. "It's said that touching or drinking from the river causes memory loss. A disconnection from your past life. A new birth."

"Like me," she says. Her voice is calm, but her gaze is intent suddenly, the expression that takes her when she is parsing out new facts into her worldview. "I woke in that pod. We were in the Hells already. Could I have drunk from the Styx?"

He considers. "I am no expert," he admits. "Though I consort with a devil, for better or for worse, my business has always been on this plane. It's... certainly possible." He offers her a cautious smile. "It would certainly explain a lot, no?"

"Yes." She sticks out her jaw thoughtfully. A long pause. "It would be... appropriate," she continues slowly after a little while. "It all comes back to blood. Everything in my mind."

He nods slowly. She has spoken a little of the inward struggle, the beast that led to Alfira's death. He doesn't pretend to understand it, but he has seen her starting to wrestle with it more, day by day. "Perhaps it would be a comfort," he says cautiously, "to think of that as the cause. That it has a cause. The memory loss, at least."

"Perhaps." The very slightest hint of a smile twists the corner of her mouth - the first he has seen from her that was not blood-maddened. "Thank you. For telling me. This world is..." She pauses, snorts softly. "There is much to learn."

"There is. And I can't imagine starting from scratch," he says with a soft laugh. "Perhaps, should we ever reach Baldur's Gate, I can find you one of my old tutors. I'm sure our motley crew would be a thrilling challenge for them."

She squints at him.

He chuckles. "I'm joking. But... any time you need to ask me anything, if it's an answer I can give, I will. You have my word on it."

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball Super manga Ch.68-70

It’s Granolah time.

Let me start off by saying I’ve only read the first six chapters of this arc, and I can already say that this one is leagues better than the Moro saga that came before it.  I’m sure this story won’t be flawless, but seeing how much better Granolah is makes me realize just how crappy Moro was.  I thought I was being too hard on the manga, but no, the Moro arc was just a hot mess.  

Anyway, I’m digging this Granolah story, so I feel a lot better about liveblogging it.  Let’s dive in.

We open with a moody flashback of Saiyan shock troops attacking Granolah’s home planet decades ago.  Turns out this is a recurring nightmare he has. 

Granolah’s been haunted by the invasion ever since, but there’s nothing he can do about it.  Frieza wiped out the Saiyans a long time ago, and then Frieza got killed after that, so there’s no one left for Granolah to take revenge upon, even if he were powerful enough to take revenge.  When I first heard about this guy, I was skeptical of the concept, since his vendetta would be forty or fifty years old by this time.  But with Granolah, that’s the point.  He’s been holding on to this grudge the whole time, and when he gets his chance to act, he grabs it with both hands. 

Meanwhile, Goku and Vegeta are still training on Beerus’ planet. Goku learned to use Ultra Instinct at will during the Moro crisis, but Whis explains that this is only the beginning.  Goku still can’t sustain UI for very long, while Merus could do it all the time.  And Whis is even better at UI than Merus was, and the Grand Minister is even better still.  So Goku has a long way to go, which is fine by him.

Vegeta, however, has no interest in learning Ultra Instinct, since he concluded some time ago that the ability doesn’t suit his tendency to overthink things.  He wants to surpass Goku in some other way, and Beerus offers him a glimmer of hope, saying that there’s more than one godly technique that he can learn.  The angels uses Ultra Instinct, but the Gods of Destruction follow a different path.  Beerus says he’s not interested in teaching Vegeta, but then he teaches him anyway, because Beerus is tsundere.  “I-it’s not like I want to teach you how to use destruction ki or anything, baka!”

Back to Granolah.  At the end of the Moro arc, we met Granolah as he was stealing Seven Three’s remains from the aliens who built him.  Seven Three was part of a whole series of similar androids, but he was the only one who spent any time in the field, so he’s a lot more powerful from the life experiences he had.  Granolah’s client, Elec, could use Seven Three as the template for an army of unstoppable androids, but that’s not why he wanted the android.  Elec’s what you might call an information broker, and he plans to mine Seven Three’s memory banks to find some useful data.

Granolah asks about his next assignment, but Elec doesn’t have any new work lined up, due to Frieza’s return to the galactic stage.  We’ve only gotten glimpses of what Frieza’s been up to since Whis re-revived him at the end of the Tournament of Power.  But apparently his activities have upset the status quo, and that’s hurting Elec’s business.  That doesn’t matter to Granolah, though, and he immediately demands to know where Freiza is.  Elec has his associates clobber him a little to get him back in line.  He convinces Granolah that he doesn’t need to run off half-cocked, and Granolah backs down and heads home.

After he leaves, the rest of Elec’s group, the Heeters, ask Elec why he would tell Granolah about Frieza at all.  They know how he feels about Frieza, so why stir the pot?  Elec explains that Granolah’s getting too powerful, and if he ever surpassed the Heeters’ strongest member, Gas, then that might lead to trouble.  The Heeters doubt that anyone could surpass Gas, but Elec still doesn’t want to take any chances.

So he wants Granolah good and riled up, so that when the time is right, he can manuever Granolah into a fight he can’t win, and Frieza will finish off Granolah for him. 

Meanwhile, on the way home, Granolah gets ambushed by one of his fellow bounty-hunter guys, who wants to steal the big payday Granolah just scored.  But Granolah has him completely outclassed.  First he uses his eye-piece/computer, Oatmeel, as a decoy, and then Granolah picks off all of this guy’s allies with his sniper technique.  Granolah’s species, the Cerealians, have a specialized right eye that gives them exceptional vision. 

So Granolah’s powerful, sure, but he’s no match for Frieza, right?  Well, Granolah plans to do something about that.  As he schemes, the Oracle Fish on Beerus’ planet has a prophetic vision that the “strongest warrior in the universe will soon rise up.”

Back to Granolah, we find that he’s still living on Planet Cereal, even after the rest of his people were wiped out by the Saiyans.  Since then, the planet has been re-populated by another species, the Sugurians, who lost their own homeworld at some point.  The Heeters brokered a deal to settle them on Cereal, and their domed cities are built right next to the ruins of the Cerealian cities.  I really like this imagery.  Like I said, I was kind of wary of the idea of an alien seeking revenge after so many decades, but this story really uses that passage of time to full effect.

Meanwhile, Beerus talks to Vegeta about the Saiyans, and Vegeta admits that their destructive tendencies led to their downfall.  Frieza accelerated the process, but his own father, King Vegeta III, is the one Vegeta holds responsible. 

I’ve often noted this, but I find Vegeta to be an unreliable narrator for Saiyan history.  In most stories, he’s literally the only one who remembers the Saiyan race, so his perspective is treated as gospel simply because there’s no one else to dispute it.  In this case, I think Vegeta’s putting too much blame on his dad.  I’m sure Vegeta I and Vegeta II bear their own responsibility, and it probably goes back even further than that.   But Vegeta III is the leader he remembers, so it makes sense he would see it that way. 

But he’s still wrong.  Remember the Super Saiyan God legend from the Battle of Gods movie.  The hero of the tale was trying to wipe out the wicked Saiyans, and he failed.  That story was so ancient that Vegeta didn’t even know about it, which just goes to show that the Saiyans’ problems are far older than his dynasty.

And I guess this is what sets off Beerus’ bullshit-meter, since he dismisses Vegeta’s answer as ridiculous.  He accuses Vegeta of putting the sins of his people on his own shoulders, and even if he were responsible, why do those old crimes have anything to do with his life now?  He then reveals that he was the one who gave Frieza the idea to destroy Planet Vegeta all those years ago.  Vegeta flies into a rage, but he can’t beat Beerus any more now than he could when they first fought on Earth.

Beerus’ point is that Vegeta will have to let go of the past if he hopes to master the style of the Gods of Destruction.  This is kind of like what Toppo had to do when he transformed into a Destroyer in the Tournament of Power.  He had been trying to avoid that step for a long time, but when he got desperate enough, he finally crossed the threshold, and Vegeta mocked him for it. 

And now Beerus is mocking Vegeta for failing to understand this.   Toppo got stronger because he put aside the irrelevancies and focused on what mattered.  Beerus says he only focuses on destruction, which keeps him sharp.  His advice to Vegeta is that he’ll have to destroy his own stray thoughts to build himself into something better.

Meanwhile, the Heeters go through Seven Three’s memory records and learn what they wanted to know: the location of Zuno, the galaxy’s greatest information broker.  But they also learn about Moro and the Dragon Balls, since Seven Three was involved with that business before he got captured.  Elec realizes that the Dragon Balls might explain how Frieza came back to life, and Macki recalls that there used to be Namekians on Planet Cereal before they got wiped out.  But Elec knows that there’s one left: Granolah’s housemate, Monaito.

Back on Cereal, Granolah discusses his latest job with Monaito, and informs him of Frieza’s return.  The two of them live in this remote house, far from the Cerealian ruins and the Sugurian cities.  Even though they’re on friendly terms with the Sugurians, they prefer to be removed from their tragic past.  I find it off that their house doesn’t look much like the Cerealian or Namekian architecture.  Maybe the Sugurians built it for them. 

Anyway, Granolah considers using the Dragon Balls to become powerful enough to defeat Frieza, but Monaito warns him that the Dragon Balls aren’t meant for revenge.  Besides, they don’t have a complete set on planet Cereal.  One is in Monaito’s house, but the other was lost a long time ago.  Wait, what?

To explain how Monaito has his own set of Dragon Balls, we cut to a lesson on New Namek, where Moori explains how Namekians have settled on other planets.  Those communities would have their own elders, just as Moori is the elder of New Namek.  And those elders would be empowered to create and maintain Dragon Balls. 

This isn’t exactly news, since this is exactly how we have Dragon Balls on Earth.  The Son of Katas came to Earth as a refugee, then eventually ascended to the role of Kami and created a set of Dragon Balls without remembering where he learned to do it.  Monaito’s basically the same deal, except he had a whole group of Namekians with him on Cereal, and he’s the only one who survived the invasion.  This story just confirms that there could be other Namekian communities in the universe, and any of them could have their own sets of Dragon Balls. 

What I find more troubling is that Monaito’s set of Dragon Balls is just a pair.  I guess there’s no rule that their must be seven, but it’s kind of weird how we’ve always seen them in groups of seven before, and yet this one is just two. 

Anyway, as fate would have it, Granolah turns on the local news and learns that some Sugarian kid just happened to find the lost ball and took it to a lab for study.  And maybe this is why they went with just two balls, in order to simplify this moment, but they could have just as easily put six Dragon Balls on Monaito’s shelf. 

So Granolah immediately makes his move, stealing the second Dragon Ball and sneaking off to make his wish.  I like the design for Cereal’s Shenron, or whatever he’s called.  The dragon is willing to grant Granolah’s wish to become the greatest warrior in the universe, but Granolah’s body isn’t sturdy enough for that kind of power.  However, the Dragon can make it possible, if Granolah is willing to accept a compromise in exchange.  Granolah doesn’t even wait to find out what it is.

Meanwhile, Vegeta has finally achieved some success in using the Hakai technique.  He can only destroy little grains of sand, but he can destroy them, which is a big accomplishment.  And he’s not going to rest on his laurels.

Satisfied that his wish has been granted, Granolah immediately heads back to the Heeter’s HQ and demands to know where he can find Frieza.  The Heeters don’t understand what’s happened to him, but Granolah quickly defeats Oil and Macki in combat, and Elec realizes that Granolah’s not just blowing smoke.  Maybe he really can defeat Frieza, but he can’t just tell him where to find Frieza, because if he loses, Frieza might take revenge on the Heeters.  So Elec asks for some information on how Granolah got this strong, and Granolah explains the Dragon Balls and the condition he had to agree to.  Normally, Cerealians live for two hundred hears, and Granolah’s 50 now, but in order to get his wish, he had to let the Dragon shorten his lifespan.  Granolah now has only three years left to live.

Elec convinces Granolah to wait on Planet Cereal while they track down Frieza’s position.  In reality, Elec hatches a scheme to neutralize Granolah first.  Elec wants Frieza out of the picture, but he’s worried that if Granolah does the job, he might wipe out Frieza’s goon squad, and Elec wants to take them over for his own organization.  Wait, why didn’t the Heeters take over the Frieza Force before, when Frieza was dead? I mean, it’s just as well that they didn’t do this, since Frieza would have returned and killed them, but they didn’t know that at the time. 

So how can Elec stop Granolah from wrecking his plans?  Simple, he’s going to get Goku and Vegeta to do it for him.  Having studied Seven Three’s records, Elec knows that the Saiyans fought Moro, and they should be powerful enough to defeat Granolah, and Granolah won’t turn down a chance to fight Saiyans, since he wants revenge against those guys too.  Elec is confident that Goku and Vegeta would win that fight, but what if he’s wrong?  Well, I guess he’s got nothing to lose by trying...

So yeah, to repeat what I said at the top, this is way, way better than the Moro arc. There’s a lot fewer characters, and their motive are more complex, and their plans aren’t nearly as convoluted.  We’re not sending Goku and Vegeta on a wild goose chase to like five different planets for this one.  No dead-end subplots about Majin Buu or those space crooks who tried to rob that space train. 

I also really like the way this story uses Frieza without featuring him in the plot.  The problem I’ve always had with bringing back Frieza is that he just does all the same stuff he did the first time around.  The only novelty to Frieza these days is less about what he’s up to, but how everyone else reacts to his return.  The Heeters, Granolah, Monaito, and the Sugarians have been trying to build a life for themselves in a post-Frieza universe, but now he’s back, and that upsets everything. 

Also, it’s refreshing to see Goku and Vegeta actually learning something on Beerus’ planet, as opposed to just sparring there as an establishing scene.  I’m looking forward to seeing how this plays out. 

[ma-lark-ey]

Lark Liveblogs Literature Part ???: All For The Game Series - Nora Sakavic

I'm doing something a little bit different with this one! In the business of full disclosure, I read TFC (and about a chapter of TRK) in April this year, decided "I can't mcfucking do this" and then gave up. And then didn't stop thinking about Neil Josten for the next eight months and now we're BACK. So, instead of properly 'liveblogging,' unlike most first-reads I do, I'm actually annotating this one because it's too good to NOT.

That means I have a customized (so totally legal mhm) word doc, highlight/unline privileges, and audacity.

Here's what I knew before I read back in April (stolen from my beta version of this post);

Andrew Minyard: Gay(?), funniest bitch alive if Tumblr brackets are to be trusted. Murderer? Has Boyfriend???

Sports. Maybe. Yes? sports.

Drugs are involved. Somehow.

Now, here's where I am going in now;

Ranking the Foxes goes; Neil, Aaron, Dan, Kevin, Andrew, Renee, Matt, Nicky

I have no idea how exy works, I do don't plan on figuring it out.

Do not remember if I read TRK but what I remember happening is far too much to be just the 230 page doc that is TFC so I MUST HAVE right?

Do know his real name's Nathaniel because I did read that scene reveal and get JUMPSCARED by my brother's name.

How this is going to work is that I'm going to put in my annotations for each chapter. Enjoy!

Chapter 1:

"You can't be serious." "Very serious, and very out of time,"

"were a team of talented rejects and junkies because Wymack only recruited athletes from broken homes...nice in theory, but it meant his players were fractured isolationists who couldn't get along long enough to get through a game."

"God damn it, Minyard. This is why we can't have nice things."[1] "Oh, Coach," someone said over Neil's head. "If he was nice, he wouldn't be any use to us, would he?" "He's no use to us if you break him." "You'd rather I let him go? Put a band-aid on him and he'll be good as new."[2]

[1] This is why we can’t have nice things, darling. Because you break them. I have to take them away

[2] Andrew I’ll kiss you

"blond and five feet even"[1]

blond? wrong. five foot even? correct.

"They were champions, and Neil was a jumble of lies and dead-ends."[1]

[1] Neil your self-loathing is showing

"It's not a good idea." "Your opinion has been duly noted and dismissed,"

"It was proof he existed, same as this game they both played. Kevin was proof Neil was real."

"It's about second chances, Neil. Second, third, fourth, whatever, as long as you get at least one more than what anyone else wanted to give you." Neil had heard Wymack referred to as an idealistic idiot by more than one person, but it was hard to listen to him and not believe that he was sincere

"It sounded like a dream; it tasted like damnation"

notes:

nothing much to say on chapter one--- it's a standard introductory chapter to a contemporary(ish) novel.

Wymack sets up the series' key theme with his line, "It's about second chances, Neil. Second, third, fourth, whatever, as long as you get at least one more than what anyone else wanted to give you."

Kevin's demeanor in this chapter is very similar to the Kevin we see up until Raven's come into play--- He's very good at acting very standoffish and tough.

The shift in Kevin when Riko comes into play was actually so dramatic I didn't recognize him here, I was afeared

some of the quotes I've added here are obviously because I thought they were funny exchanges--- others are me English Majoring(tm), and others are just me marking plot, characterization, facts, etc.

admittedly what i've put here is about half of what is actually highlighted/underlined in my doc.

I want to study the dynamic between Neil & Wymack under a microscpe

[storkmuffin]

November 26.

I'm not good at being in my body or feeling my feelings. Trying to fix that, so when my sternum hurt & my chest tightened during my drive into work today I massaged that area. I burst into tears. Each time the hurt was acute, I patted and rubbed my sad broken heart, gently, and I sobbed.

This is grief.

The last time I did this, sobbing while driving, was when C died on November 26, 2018. Which is the day my friendship with B ended, in 2023. I have been marking the day every year since C's passing, but I think I need to mark it differently. The attempt to avoid taking a whole day to live in my devastating loss may have hastened the bringing on of a new one.

So now is my sad, grief-stricken review of events, in the hopefully not-futile prayer of not repeating this again.

I know when someone blocks you on tumblr you're supposed to stfu forever. But I just was in too much pain, so I reached out to say goodbye, and she was kind of enough to write me back with a patient explanation for why she couldn't have me in her life anymore. It was, in part validating - I hadn't imagined it, that the connection was real. But it's also a repeat of a pattern in my life, for which I may or may not finally have an explanation (Autism Spectrum).

I've had many a relationship end with, How Can You Say Something Like That In That Way? I Can't Forgive You Because You Should Have Known That Is The Line Not To Cross.

Except I don't and never have, until I blunder across it and get told like this in the post mortem, when it's too late.

I wasn't drawn to or intrigued by the new show my ex friend got into, but I wanted to follow her into it, so I read Treasure Island (which was like pulling teeth, because I didn't enjoy it) to get the context. I didn't enjoy the story and felt nothing for Long John Silver. But even so, I started to watch the show. I ploughed through S1 which was fun enough, and relieving to me because I didn't hate it. So I tried to please her, even though she never asked me to do this. I ploughed through S2. I tried to understand this character I find increasingly repellent and incomprehensible, because he behaves in S2 exactly like people I despise in real life, who have undermined and attacked me.

Meanwhile work got insanely busy, and I see now that with C's deathdate barrelling at me, I tried to outrun it by loading myself up still further with projects: signed up for nanowrimo (despite averaging 20K a month this year every month for my long fic), liveblogging the pirate show, working out more, setting up lots of dinners and outings (Nutcracker tix, Mom's birthday lunch, etc etc) for December, and so on. All this while trying to cope with the autism self discovery I've had going on since fall.

On Friday Nov 10 and Nov 17, I had especially bad days at work, not because of the work but from run ins with people. I asked questions that I thought were neutral but they reacted with rage. (Again, the Autism Spectrum thing, and what the lingo seems to call Failure to Mask).

On Nov 23rd, US Thanksgiving, we had a work outing, which I went to out of obligation but it was a loud games-night-at-the-bar event. Nightmare. So I just let myself do what I wanted and ended up sitting numb in the corner with everyone's backs turned to me. They didn't push me out or anything. They all wanted to do that, gather in a rowdy circle shouting over a game, and I found it physically unbearable. I really must be autistic, was my conclusion, and that brought its own fear and sadness.

On the 24th, I went to see a production of Medea, whom they portrayed as a woman who desperately tried to please her husband only to be betrayed, and found herself completely depleted of any inner resources, including her sanity, to help her cope with the aftermath. I wish I hadn't seen that. It was so hopeless.

On the 25th, I had a run in with my father, who picked a fight with me. I know his methods, but I was feeling so tired that I couldn't effectively resist his trying to induce a fight, as I have successfully routinely done for the past couple years. We had a blow out fight.

Then came the 26th, where I made a series of shitposts about the pirate show, which was by then a welcome distraction from reality. Except the show gets very dark in S2, and I had a sense I was supposed to experience an about-face on John Silver during the leg loss plot line and I found I did not. My tumblr friend saw that post, which crossed an absolute boundary, and she was done with me.

I wanted to avoid feeling sad, and the one way I know how to do that is to be busy, but the resultant overload just brought me to a new, completely unanticipated heartbreak. Probably, if I hadn't done the overloading at the start of the month, I may have had more resources to cope with the work outing and the fight with my dad. If I had just spent the 26th in grief instead of trying to avoid that pain, none of this may have happened, or happened differently in a way that didn't hurt my former friend as much, or broke my heart so badly. If I wasn't autistic, I may have had an explicit clear understanding of what the line was I wasn't supposed to cross or possibly, never even had the feelings I had. Oh, if only.

[fandomcrazy6226]

Liveblogging Dracula Daily - May 9

Heyyyyyyyyy...

Yeah I have no excuse for this one other than being exhausted. It's really hot where I live and we're starting the second week of shows tomorrow and I've had to do a bunch of stuff for graduation the past week or so. It's been busy. And I've had a lot of allergy stuff happening too so just generally tired.

But I'm less tired now, and I'm just at home so I'm gonna binge all these updates I've gotten! Starting with May 9, which is apparently introducing Mina Murray, who apropos to me imagining MatPat as Jonathan I shall be picturing as Steph. Although the name makes me think of Mina Ashido from My Hero Academia, so we'll see about that.

Oh, Lucy! Y'know, I've always wanted to name one of my kids Lucy in the future.

Oh these two are besties huh? With... light shipping undertones I'm picking up on.

Honestly I would love to just use a typewriter regularly. I actually own one, a big heavy manual one, it's currently under my bed in a box. Maybe I should write notes for my boyfriend on it... (he also has a typewriter, but his is electric)

Heck yeah, Mina! There's nothing wrong with keeping a journal just for yourself! Who cares what other people would think? I never show other people my journals (well, one exception but that was my old best friend because we were making a story together. I'm not friends with him anymore tho)

About a week, huh? Yeah... I've got bad news for you, Mina... (Again, I haven't read this before but I do know some things)

Awwww, she wants them to travel together! That's legitimately so cute.

This was a shorter one, and it's nice to get a look at something outside of Jonathan's Fun Castle Time. Mina is really cute and I love how much her and Jonathan are in love, it's really sweet.

PREVIOUS / NEXT

[go-to-the-mirror]

FROM: landscaping-your-mind

TO: @a-mag-a-day

RE: MAG 111 - Family Business

Howdy a-mag-a-day, and others who may be reading,

This is a bit more of a liveblog than the others, because this is going to be my second time listening to it, so expect quite a bit of rambling!

You can expect: thoughts about Gerry Keay, thoughts about Jon, thoughts about the fears. There will be a lot of thoughts about Jon. He's my favourite.

I really don't understand why the fandom treats Trevor and Julia like they're bad people, like yeah, it's not great to keep Gerry trapped like that, or to kidnap random people (Jon) and threaten to murder them, but it's not... in the grand scheme of things, it's really not that bad. Like they're still avatars, they've still done bad stuff, it's just been highly overstated. In my opinion. Maybe I just like their voices, I like Peter Lukas because I like his voice. I like Elias' voice too but in a "I want to punch him" way.

"And his only thought was to cry out for his mother. But with the last vestige of his stubborn will, he refused. She would not claim his last moment. He was silent."

D: I'm feeling Emotions rn. Just the she would not claim his last moment like she claimed so many of them before. Feeling emotions. At the risk of oversharing on tumblr dot com, I will just say "ADHD mood, but in a specific to me way". It's just... his life right, he didn't even have the chance to have a normal life, and he's going to die by himself, because she doesn't get this. She can take everything else but not this.

GERRY Nice lighter. You a spider freak, then? ARCHIVIST What? Oh! Er, no. I-I never really, uh… I never really thought of it.

*vibrating* I'm going to be Completely normal about this. How many times has that lighter even been mentioned. I know it was obviously in the episode where it came, MAG 38 (?), MAG 39, this episode, MAG 197, MAG 199, and of course MAG 200. But like hh whenever it's mentioned I just die a little inside anyway of course it's mentioned in the "my life will be ruined and all you will do is watch" episode, and the "my life was ruined by forces beyond my control" episodes.

Yep.

GERRY Yeah, the world changes in horrible ways. For you. I’m a book. ARCHIVIST You can’t be serious. GERRY I’m dead serious.

I love him he's so silly and goofy (in immense pain from being a book). I love Gerry's voice I think it's just it's like a mixture of like he's got the sort of uhhh done with everything and emotionless but also he does sound angry and gets steadily more so as he talks about the trials of being a spooky book. But still quiet. I like it.

ARCHIVIST Just one. How do I stop the Unknowing? GERARD [Casually] No, I don’t know. ARCHIVIST [Incensed] What?! (...) GERRY But, once it starts, then it might be vulnerable. ARCHIVIST Vulnerable to what? GERRY I dunno. ARCHIVIST Oh, goddamn it!

Gerry is absolutely enjoying this. Also

"Well, not long before I ended up in the hospital, she told me that if something got her first, I was… There’s a storage unit on an industrial estate up near Hainault. She said she rented it under the name Jan Kelly, and hid a key for it somewhere in the Archives."

Firstly, I'm guessing the name "Jan Kelly" is either a reference to Jan Kilbride, perhaps? Or maybe it's just a random name. Secondly, does this imply that Gerry would be the Archivist if he hadn't died before Gertrude? Of course, Elias never would have picked him, because he knew too much, and (probably) knew to be suspicious of Elias, but that's interesting. Archivist Gerry...

GERRY Hmmm… Well, she could make people tell her stuff, sometimes. They’d suddenly get real talkative, and lay out whatever she needed. She didn’t do it often though. I don’t think she liked it. ARCHIVIST [Perky] Oh, er, I can do that, too. GERRY Huh. Do you like it? ARCHIVIST I-I don’t know. I never really thought about it. Yes, I… I suppose I do.

Firstly, the way Jon says "Oh, er, I can do that, too" is so adorable. Secondly, something something at least one side effect of the become a monster thing actually gives him a defense against the things that want to kill and/or harm him, and a way to get information he doesn't have to doubt. Of course he likes it. It's the one thing he can control in his life that is spiraling off course. Also, you know. Hurt people hurt people. When you're under that level of stress it can feel good to feel in control, even when feeling in control is doing horrible things. Ah, I can't wait till Scrutiny.

ARCHIVIST Like the, the Lukases? Or the Fairchilds? GERRY Well, Fairchild’s just a name, they’re not really family. The Lukases, though, yeah.

Diversity win!! The Vast Avatars who pushed you off a cliff to your death are found family!!!!!!!!

GERRY What’s out there… doesn’t care about blood. ARCHIVIST Well, I-I mean, except for the vampires… GERARD Yeah, obviously except for the vampires

I just love this line okay-

Families are just useful ‘cause they can push you in the right direction. And the Lukases are very good at that.

I have ✨feelings✨ about childhoods and TMA and stuff. Like Martin's only at the institute at all, because he has to look after his mum, he got dragged into the whole Lonely thing because he's just lived a really lonely life that ends up with his mum dead, friend in a coma, other friends dead, and only hostage work acquaintances left. Jon had a neglectful grandmother who bought him a Leitner, not that it was his grandmother's fault that he was almost killed by a spider monster, but he was like regularly abused by an eighteen (at least) year old when he was 8 and his grandmother made him feel like a burden so I am blaming her for some things. And then of course Gerry's only in the world of the supernatural because of his awful mother who cared more about fucked up if true books than her son. And then there's a bunch more but just... hhh. Your childhood can fuck you up, and then you end up being an adult who's tied to an eldritch entity beyond your comprehension apparently. Oh also Mike Crew. Mike Crew had such a Life, and I have so many thoughts about him, but I'll get into that at a later date (probably around one of the more jangsty episodes). Also Agnes. Jon Gerry Agnes trio my beloved.

ARCHIVIST What happened? GERRY I tried to abandon her. ARCHIVIST I see.

I get why people ship Jongerry, Jon's voice was so soft anyway they're platonic in my heart but like i'm holding them gently they're besties your honour, testament? what? never heard of faer.

Oh this statement happens in pride month! Diversity win!!

She did her best to look after me, and bring me into this world she inhabited, but she wasn’t a caring mother or a skilled teacher.

(Gerry Keay, MAG 111)

She cared for me as well as she was able, and whatever her private feelings might have been, she did try her best.

(The Archivist, MAG 81)

Anyway uhm Jon, consider uh, being like Gerry and believing that actually the people who failed at raising you were way older than you, were supposed to be way more capable, and it wasn't your fault. Please.

And the worst thing was, she marked me as a part of that, without my understanding. Or consent.

Jon Gerry Agnes trio rotating in my mind. Childhood supernatural trauma? Check. Being the centre of a ritual? Check for Jon and Agnes. Being involved in the world of the supernatural from a young age? Check. Holding 'em gently actually. Thinking about them is not enough I need to have an Agnes statement. /hj

I think… I think I finally understand why she brought me back. I just don’t understand why she left me behind.

:(

I always think it helps to imagine them like colours. The edges bleed together, and you can talk about little differences: “oh, that’s indigo, that’s more lilac”, but they’re both purple. I mean, I guess there are technically infinite colours, but you group them together into a few big ones. A lot of it’s kind of arbitrary. I mean, why are navy blue and sky blue both called blue, when pink’s an entirely different colour from red?

And colours are different in different languages! And that I'm guessing affects how we see them. At least different languages affects how we see shapes in words, and so sure, Smirke's fourteen was used by Elias for the ritual, but only because both he and Jon had a belief in that as a good system for categorization? And also how yellow literally doesn't exist in a way we can see, but we still say it does. And how magenta is just. There. Weird colours that don't make sense! I love thinking about the rear entities (being confused but in a really enthusiastic way)

Like colours, but if colours hated me. Got it. Christ, I need a cigarette.

<3

ARCHIVIST The Stranger is the, the unknown. The uncanny. GERRY That kind of creeping sense that something’s not right. That guy you saw that might be following you, might mean you harm.

(MAG 111 - Family Business)

I’m just reading, and there is this… creep in the corner- your guy. He just… keeps staring at me, like- oh, properly staring, like it is super intense. And, and real… weird? Like he knows me, but I sure as hell do not know him. I – I try to ignore him, look, I just – I just read my book. And everytime I look up – there he is. Watchin’ me.

(MAG 142 - Scrutiny)

Like okay I know being watched, eye, whatever, but also fear soup, Stranger!Jon. Will die here on this hill. Nice view.

GERRY Yeah. Being manipulated or puppeted. The worry you’re caught in a trap you can’t see. ARCHIVIST Yes. ...

Jon did The Yes. :( The one where it's like almost a sigh and you can here the Thought Spirals.

Gerard was what my mum called me. [Embarrassed chuckle] I always wanted my friends to call me Gerry.

Oh. Oh I'm so sad :( feeling so many emotions about this episode I get why it's a fan favourite :(

Also, at the end there, I really wish we got more of Julia and Trevor. I like them, and I feel like they could've come around to the idea of burning Gerry's page. I'm not upset about how it went, but... hmm. Thinking.

Anyway, I'm really sad about this and feeling all kinds of emotions about Gerry Keay. I understand you now. D:

[no-side-us]

Letters From Watson Liveblog - May 21

The Engineer's Thumb, Part 3 of 3

Holmes' archive of criminal cases is probably his most important instrument in crime-solving, next to his own mind of course. Knowing a similar incident happened a year ago tells Holmes that the Colonel's operations have been going on for some time now, and the fact this other engineer never reappeared suggests Victor's survival would probably put them in high alert.

Now that's a good Holmesian observation right there. Simple, logical, not too fancy or outlandish, but you'd never consider it unless you were looking for it, or considered every possibility.

My assumption upon reading the house was on fire was that the Colonel or his compatriot did it themselves to cover their tracks, since presumably they knew Victor was alive and would alert the authorities. Maybe that's why Victor was still alive, because they were too busy trying to stop a fire from burning down their operations.

Well that's a bit disappointing that they escaped, and without us ever really learning anything about them. The Englishman, Dr. Becher, was obviously the Colonel's partner in crime, but I would at least have liked to known who Elise was in relation to the other two. She didn't seem too keen on the operation, so how did she end up with them? She's German, so was she the Colonel's sister, wife, daughter, niece, cousin, etc.

If you got your thumb cut off, would you keep it? If you got any part of your body cut off, would you keep it? I think I would, and I hope Victor did too.

So they did find Victor, and somehow Elise was able to convince the Englishman to help her carry him away from the house. I'm guessing the Colonel was too busy trying to save his illegal coins from the fire to stop them.

That's certainly one way Victor could brand himself after all that happened. He could set himself up as a hero who stopped an illegal coin pressing operation and lost his thumb in the process. If he kept his burnt, severed thumb (like I would), he could even use it as a prop when telling the story. I'm not totally sure how much actual hydraulic engineering work he'll be getting hired for however.

I remember the title, and not much else. Maybe I'll remember more after the first letter.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

[iguessitsjustme]

Deep Night Ep 8 Thoughts

It’s almost over? This surprisingly wholesome show full of actual communication? I did not expect that at all. I am very glad that y’all said I should liveblog this because had I just binged it, I wouldn’t remember it later but now I can go back and read my thoughts whenever I want. Maybe I should liveblog more. But only shows I binge. Week to week y’all are stuck with my thoughts as they enter my brain. Anygay for the last time…it’s time for Deep Night 8: Bring on the Poly. Let Them Date!

I’m not kidding. I was promised poly so I better get poly. 

I am fascinated by how often Khem and his mother match colors. Those two are quite literally cut from the same cloth. I love them both and I love their mother/son bond. It’s been great to watch.

YAY FREYA AND MEIJI. Older queer couple! Older women couple! I love them! I’ll even give up my love on Freya she looks so happy.

Wela baby boy. Do not give me stress like this. Do not do it I will pass away.

Wela I know you want to show your mom what it is you do. But baby boy you cannot perform on an injured leg. You cannot. You will make it worse. If you perform tonight, you might ruin your chances of performing in the future. Is that what you want?

When in the hell did Khem learn how to do this? oh he's been learning from Wela got it but ooo that was stressful for me

Now boys I don’t think it’s the time for kissing. You’re still on the stage. 

POLY POLY POLY POLY POLY

Have I mentioned that I love Japan? POLY POLY *you hear my chants in the background for the next five hours*

I didn’t have much to say this episode because I was too busy enjoying it. I loved every bit. This show was so much better than I expected it to be. Now what am I supposed to do with myself? Perhaps another binge with a liveblog? I had fun. If you read any of my posts and want me to do another tell me what show I should binge and I will consider it.

Anyway I am going to throw a celebration for the poly. We need more poly. Wait actually. I was raised lutheran. Let’s end this with a short prayer. Dear lord thank you for the poly. More please? I will be a good little christian and pretend to go to church. But can we please get more poly? Pretty please with a cherry on top. Amen….I haven’t been to church in many years. That’s a prayer right? It will work? More poly?