#not that I'd like ever let her see that
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had a weird first time ever experience tonight. my mum pulled me in for a huge, super tight hug and told me "everything's gonna be okay"
#ngl i was choking back tears#not that I'd like ever let her see that#it was just like. ah man. i used to dream about having a mum like that as a kid#but now im 26 and i don't need her#and it just got me all sad because i could've had this all along#but she changed too late yknow?#it was nice don't get me wrong. very kind of her and nice to hear#but im also too old to believe that and it's too late for her to be my mum now#she's changing and trying and as complicated as that is. it's nice. but it still brings all of that back up#i just wish I'd been the kind of kid she wanted to treat that way when I /was/ a kid#anyway. felt foreign to actually experience that#i thought that was the sort of thing that only happened in movies and books#mine#meanwhile my dad said to me#'i wish you could be inside my mind so that you'd understand what a REAL problem is and how much yours don't even matter'#i know he was genuinely trying to be supportive by saying that. his way of giving me perspective i guess#but it just made me feel like a) you dont listen/understand me at all and b) i wish youd be inside MY mind so that you'd actually understan#and c) like a dramatic and oversensitive child. which is how he's always made me feel & im trying to not do to myself#the fucked up part is he was really trying his best to help. so i just smiled politely and thanked him and went and cried in my car lol
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the chunin exams arc was so interesting for how it portrayed sakura's potential and how people in her life influenced it. kakashi lying about the team-based enrollment criteria because he thinks sakura would be likely to sign up only to appease sasuke, and being genuinely surprised when she shows up anyway. naruto being completely oblivious when sakura was upset preceding the exams and also after she cut her hair in the forest of death. naruto literally dreaming about saving sakura from enemies, being the hero to her damsel-in-distress. sakura moulding herself into a perfectly feminine lady because that's what society demanded and what she thought sasuke would want. versus sasuke calling her out for focusing too much on romance instead of her skills like she should be doing. sasuke picking up that she was upset because she felt inadequate and reminding her of what she was best at -- maybe even better than him -- and never begrudging her for it. ino hacking into her mind because she was sure, not a single doubt in her mind, that sakura would know the answers to the impossible questions on the written exam. ino and sasuke both stepping in to save her during her fight with the sound nin, but only after being spurred on by the brutal beating she took. ino and sasuke getting frustrated with naruto when he commented on how her haircut looked because it made sakura trivialize her experience and offer a fake explanation about women being fickle. the flashbacks revealing to us that ino affirmed that she would one day bloom into a beautiful flower. ino and sasuke serving as a catalyst for sakura to get stronger before pt 1 and pt 2 respectively. idk do you see what i'm seeing
#haruno sakura#inosaku#sasusaku#idk considering sakura's main goal as a character....#it's just so touching they're the only ones we see who ever seemed to expect something of her. believe in her even...#and tsunade eventually ofc. really really wish we had more of that dynamic#and i dont wanna discredit naruto he did cheer her on during her fight w ino#i just think this theme of knowing and encouraging sakura's potential is not really. true of ns as it is for is and ss#which is why whenever i see those 'naruto was the only one who saw sakura's REAL self' posts a part of me shrivels up and dies#the 'real self' in question = beating him up for little to no reason#and like sure it alludes to her real personality but it's not a healthy expression of it. that's why it occurs w far less frequency in pt 2#anyway i'd need a whole other post to delve into that but let's just say it's really not an interpretation i enjoy#naruto meta
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i really wanna understand how some of you can make the courier "forgive" benny and end up having a happy lovey-dovey life with him afterwards because i'm very petty i just can't do it 😭
#benny gecko#fnv#fallout#like seriously. how do you guys do it? what's the courier's reason?#is it because “he's a funny guy i can excuse two bullets in the head this pathetic man made me laugh”#i'd fall for that temporarily but long term? nahhhh#like for example my courier and benny were lovers in the past before fnv so post fnv they're just enemies because i can't see her ever#forgiving his dumb ass. maybe he'd regret it#yk because lovers stuff. still loves her never met a woman like her blah blah#but would SHE? i don't think sooo. i actually just lack the creativity on that matter 🤪#if it was me though let's just say i'd believe it was fate ❤️#just rambling.
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"Tell me every terrible thing you ever did, and let me love you anyway."
Darabella they could never make me hate you <3
#belle was NOT my first kin for y'all to disrespect her daughter the way you do#“they weren't written well” NO RELATIONSHIP IN THIS SHOW IS WRITTEN THAT WELL#this show sucks at writing romance guys i hate to tell u this#the books write romance well but the show... gets so questionable#pls lets blame the screenwriters and not my babies i just want these two to be happy#i used to be OBSESSED with their relationship when i first watched the show it was so sweet#also rosabella used to mean so much as an awkward nerd who could never tell when i was lecturing ppl and cared too much abt the environment#some ppl aren't being condescending they're just kinda socially stupid y'all she's fifteen we can like.. take a deep breath#hold hands in a circle. idk#this is all said without hate like the criticisms are warranted but it gets to be a lot sometimes#so thought i'd put some actual content of them in the tag lol#eah#ever after high#rosabella beauty#daring charming#darabella#web weaving#eah web weaving#also i really do think they're a good match they just get brought together awkwardly#cause rosabella being able to tell daring he's a good person and his looks don't matter#after he's gone through like two back to back existential crisis#and him actually listening to her and taking her advice to heart#when ppl usually view her as overbearing and tune her out#like they're just built for each other yknow what i mean?#and the way they go from annoyed w the other's presence to listening and learning from each other#and ultimately making the other better is just... aghhh i love them#gonna also add quickly that the hate has died down which has been very nice to see#and i think ppl r generally getting a more neutral opinion of them#so no one take the rant at the beginning of the tags too deeply pls lmao
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It's midnight! I officially see Dan and Phil. TODAY!
My big 26 year old self is going alone to a city an hour away to honour little 11-16 year old me who lived too far away and couldn't afford any of the previous tours. I'm so fucking excited I could cry.
#you ever wish you could actually speak to your child self and just excitedly geek out about something with them?#like i see a lot of art and literature about resturning to your younger self to console encorage or motivate them#but what about just fucking drawing cat whiskers on each other's faces and scream laighing at dnp video's together#despite it all its still you etc etc#i've been a fan of these goobers since 2011 and i never even knew anyone else on my real life that liked them#still don't#i feel like she is the one person i'd love to share this moment with and i know i carry her with me still#and i will be letting her to the front full force tomorrow night I can't WAIT!#i'm very happy with my life but i often worry my younger self would be a bit bummed to see where i'm at right now#as a lot of my grand ideas haven't happened (yet) but I know for certain she'd freak out if we could switch places tomorrow#and i intend to honour that#shamelessly#dnp#dan and phil#in my philosophical bag#might make a personal post about this tomorrow#we'll see#yapping#phan
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Character development at it's finest
#Yk at the beginning I was their relationship through a romantic lense but now I'm starting to think they more resemble a found family#Specifically Johnny becoming a paternal figure to V#Maybe it's my aro ass that views all love and caring gestures as platonic#but the “not more important than you” felt like something a father would say to his daughter#the line “is there anything as undoing as a daughter” fitting Johnny bc he only seemed to put a real effort into changing once he got V#Someone he is proud of. Protective of. How willing Johnny is to hand V all of his belongings like a father passing his hobbies#Telling V to put his Jacket replica on. To get in his car and “I'll even let you drive it” thing#The way V arranges his date with Rogue and Johnny is like “okay kid now run along dad's gotta get busy”#Honestly the whole samurai kerry mission felt like your older dad introducing you to his friends back from band days#And this new view on him just makes things extra awkward bc I've already written a smut piece on him and V back in early game lmao#but yeah he really feels like a father figure to V. In the date with Judy when she tells you to scroll while diving underwater#And johnny is like “nope. bad idea. Fuck no. Tell her to go find another yes woman”#it all resembled a parent giving you the “if judy jumps off a cliff. would you?”#like ever after since the first time he took control of V's All the times afterwards he was extra careful and kept his word#when it comes to taking the change back pill#I'd even argue he took the change back pill way earlier after the concert ended bc he was worried about V#So he hurried and cut his time with Kerry short just for his kid's sake#OF ALL TIMES TO BE ARO#I WAS SUPPOSED TO SHIP THEM GODDAMMIT#Idk if this view will latch on or gets steered back to romance territory#All I know is that Johnny fully imprinted on V enough to want to see them in his sunglasses#☆other fandoms#☆cyberpunk#johnny silverhand#☆Johnny#☆V#cyberpunk 2077#cyberpunk 2077 spoilers#v
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ghostwriter (their grandma would tell them she'd lose half her soul)
#or smth smth. having a lot of Thoughts. anyways here's the piece i've been working on and sometimes u have to just say Done#there's a lot of thinks but i am maybe a bit tired and so tmr i'll come in and add all the Tags that i'd personally want to get from myself#maybe i'll reblog the extras tmr too. this is an incredibly self indulgent piece + it probably deserves a tag ramble essay or smth#ig for now we see how it stands for itself + in the meantime:#adamandi#beatrix valeria campbell#hello!! i'm back with belated tags yippee!! alright so for funsies i'm going to make it sound like i'm going bonkers over this :3#the eye shine... the glowy eye... it's like phaethon shine but also smth about eyes to windows to the soul and like#there's two beatrixes here! half the soul. lost part doing things specific to the phaethon and here it's portrayed as tearing off her name#because that's really; truly; when it all starts!! also notable for the ghostly beatrix is i did it more painterly and cloaked in shadow and#fading into the bg. i think i was super duper specificish about where the glow comes from! front lighting back lighting beloved!!! like help#let's put it this way- beatrix face always glowy. important parts of paper also glowy. it's just that different elements are turned away#from the viewer by each beatrix!! also also. let's talk about the very gently implied blood and red etcetera#like the red string is canonical and i love personally the whole red strings of fate thing even though it's not Here Applicable exactly but#that definitely was an influence! and also the blood in the bg... i'm starting to think this is a recurring trend. but anyway shadowy bea#the other strings hang while the red string loops!! so like that one string feels almost alive. it's a sort of whimsical i put on the same#as metaphorical glowy eye!! also also the eye is lowkey influenced by the whole idea of Eyes and Spotlights within the show and also glow#as in power as in heyyy you ever think about writing as a visual medium huh#speaking of writing!! there is no beatrix thingy complete in my head without text sorrry but the black text overlays are always so >>> to me#and in the sense of art styles and overlays shoutout to all the black crosshatching outline thingys because For Some Reason in my mind#of all the characters beatrix feels like the bnw ink printed illustrations you get in books idk#fun fact! i spent so long rendering this and that was fine i liked it! but then trying to figure out text to go on the papers was a Thing#i tried to do. but then gave up on! sometimes i have to pick my battles and graphic design is indubitably Not my passion bc Fonts#fun facts about this is i Actually did start with a quick sketch in mind and there's been so many changed elements. in the og the front#paper for instance had 'ardess murders' written on it and the back one said phaethon interviews.. i like the nominee list better it feels#more narrative-esque and less passive than her just holding her writing.! other elements that got discontinued were that#front beatrix was supposed to blur into the other ghostly beatrix but i couldn't do it without sacrificing clarity so... no... no blurry#oh and the red string morphing at the ends to smth more abstract was always there from the start!! og had more floating papers#and also a silhouette of vincent and a scalpel bc 'one who pulls the strings' but that (pun intended)! got cut (hahahahahahaha) (sorry)#used also to be a lot of print room clutter but that got cut to bc compositionally i made beatrix larger (learned lesson from last art)
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I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE!
#I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE ABOUT ANYTHING#IT DOESN'T HAVE TO OVERRIDE ALL OTHER PROGRAMMING EVER AGAIN#HA#MY GOD THAT FEELS LIKE TWO DECADES OF RELIEF#and I found out yesterday. that this year. next winter. it IS two decades. exactly. this is the year. every day i am shown new reminders#that keep me going in my mission to relearn to fully and instinctually trust my self#ever since [redacted therapist] asked me point blank and my IMMEDIATE response was complete disbelief#a firm 'you think there's any universe where i'd feel like i could trust myself? after my nonstop history of failures and being horrible?'#tone “No!” of disbelief#and a horrible way-too-harsh laugh that bolted out before I could strangle it off and stop it.#that woman never coddled my feelings any time I spoke something alarming or bullshit and that was so helpful to me#and the tone she let exist in her voice when she responded to me with a very uncharacteristic “Oh Katie.”#was so. so much more agonizing for me. than her responding with an immediate logical slam-dunk of the truth about healthy behavior and stuf#anyway ramble over i'm so tired. i've done so much trauma work this week i am Drained emotionally#now i see what the past several months but especially especially#the baffling (to me) infuriating out-of-control-speedrun-somatic-processing + every-health-condition-flaring slog that December and January#were for me when I hadn't expected anything to be wrong#...and the extremely specific way this certain zone and particular incident kept coming up over and over and over and over and OVER was not#a bug. it was a feature. thank goodness i trust myself for little things now bc that's the only way i was able to get to this other side#and look back and suddenly realize that my subconscious and body knew what they needed and had a plan in progress the whole time. just like#i rationally say I trust them to have and do.#and that perhaps maybe. for real for real instead of just TELLING myself hard enough a lie that i trust my self and i trust my body and tha#they always know their own needs and timing if really slow down and listen to them f u l l y#anyway. yeah. bye haha i need to stop oversharing on the internet#trauma evolution#shh katie#personal#my god. i wished for this day more than i wished for anything else my whole life. all these many many many many years. what magic.#add to journal#abuse
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okay it's not weird to be weirded out by many people at my new workplace following each other on Instagram, right? but not only like, coworkers who are friends (normal) but employees who are actively part of each other's management structures (like. the head of X department following and being followed by people who work directly under her. that's weird right).
#idk i LOVED my first ever manager but we had clear work life boundaries and we didn't become insta friends until after she left the job#I've followed a few people at my new gig but not my manager even tho she's fine and I'd friend her later. but like..... she is my boss.#I'm not gonna let her see my insta stories??#it's weird to me
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What does everyone think of Nigel Forbes-Colbie ever getting pregnant? It doesn't matter how you interpret it: Omegaverse, males can get pregnant Au, Trans! Nigel. Just tell me your guys' headcanons of Nigel's pregnancy: The changes, the hardships, the softness, and the vulnerabilities.
#murderous intent#like minds 2006#like minds#alex forbes#nigel colbie#Alex Forbes X Nigel Colbie#Nigel Colbie x Alex Forbes#If you guys haven't noticed my recent posts I've been feeling way too soft for this fandom#Like#Too soft#And it's both Nigel and Alex's fault for making me too soft when all I want is to cause chaos and do crimes#To be honest I'd like to Imagine Nigel's pregnancy as an arduous one: Swollen feet . Sore back. Weird cravings. Mood swings. Everything.#And he isn't used to seeing himself get swollen with life each and every day. While Alex is so gullible first thing in the morning because#of the baby bump growing every single day. And Nigel getting rounder every week.#Sure. Nigel is enjoying being pampered by Alex with all these services and gifts but sometimes he thinks that he isn't that attractive#Anymore for Alex. And that while he's carrying his children he will leave him like a used toy.#He'd have instances where he'd feel conflicting feelings for their child and think of possibilities of removing her from his body#But he'd soon regret it. He just breaks down into tiny little pieces of ever thinking of their daughter that way. His and ALEX"S#He can never stomach killing her. He can never stomach ruining her beautiful life that he has yet witnessed.#He still has his self-harm tendencies but he avoids it. He avoids harming his angel. His miracle. His life.#He wants to be a good father to his child. He wants to nurture her. Feed her knowledge and love. Cater to her needs and be at her beck#and call: be a father.#Alex knows what's happening to Nigel. They talk. And they talk everyday. He knows how much it can be hard for Nigel during his pregnancy#And he will always be there to protect his spouse and his unborn child.#He will spite their original purpose in order to create their own purpose. Which Nigel had a hard time letting go of.#It was hard. Seeing the history that made them into the people they are today. But it had to#they had to change#change for their family.#For their miracle.#And Nigel seeing Alex being this doting makes him fall for him ten times more
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whoever requested the wta footballer au for the tennisblr promptfest...................
#i have so many ideas.#heres the problem though im getting too in my head about it because i would want to make it 'realistic'#in terms of like who would end up where and what teams are actually good#but unfortunately a lot of the countries that are good at football dont have very high ranked tennis players...and vice versa#poland did just qualify for the euros which is their first ever major tournament!#but like rus is banned italy is ok but a hot mess czechia is just fine belarus sucks#spain is good but then i'd have to write paula and i do not want to lol#australia? but what wta aussies are there. besides saville??#brazil obviously but idk do we even pair bia with anyone. she and iga are good friends but. hm.#caro garcia fell off the face of the planet which is unhelpful so france is kind of a no go#and germany haven't had a proper good wta player i think the entire time i've been watching tennis#same with the netherlands#china was good but fell off majorly in the 2010s. only coming back more recently so idk.#maybe interesting but i dont like navarro enough to write her and tbh i cant imagine another pairing for qinwen#whos left in footy. ENGLAND? i cant ship katie with anyone she and alex are like the golden couple in my mind#and i dont know enough about emma i think to properly write her#though wait..........CANADA. hm. let me cook here.#obviously wayy glossing over the americans here but thats because the main pairings i would probably do#are blocked by 1) greece being ass and 2) not wanting to write navarro (see above)#also the fact that my brain is screaming the whole time that half of these players are too tall to logically play anything other than gk#obviously this is all so irrelevant. u bet ur ass im gonna be writing this anyway.
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a reminder that chiyo wouldn't be here if not for my hyperfixation on h.aikyuu!! i made her shortly after watching the first season of the anime ( that's all that was out at the time ), making her a manager for our beloved crows before discovering oh!! they have managers :' ) so she then became a sports column writer for the newspaper, and that's how it's stayed even in her general high school verse bc i'm sentimental as heck <3
#oooh we've come a long way since then#she's grown so much and only for the better#there's certain things that have stayed the same -- like her love for puns :' )#in fact i'd argue that chiyo's stayed mostly the same but i've just gotten a lot better at portraying her and understanding her#like yeah she's my oc but sometimes you have a good concept but don't execute it well bc you aren't ready#now i know her like the back of my hand and i genuinely cannot see myself ever letting her muse go quiet again#chiyo? on hiatus? not on my watch buddy!!#okay i gotta stop getting distracted asdfg i'm just traipsing down memory lane but i got writing to dooooo#get ready to ramble | ooc
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for someone who Hated going home for the holidays, first christmas post mom death is proving uncharacteristically upsetting
#I HATE YOU GRIEF I HATE YOU GRIEF I HATE YOU GRIEF.#its not even xmas yet I was just thinking about it today#usually I'd be finding any excuse to not see my mom for christmas#and if she was still alive I would again#but she's not alive#so it's different#looking at myself in the mirror white knuckling the sink please just let me be angry I just want to be angry please please can I be angry#thinking of my sister too I know it'll be even harder for her#crazy how uhm. crazy how when someone dies you lose parts of your relationship with other people too#like looking across the dinner table at christmas to have a silent conversation with your sister#about something your mom said#and your mom turns around and goes what!!!#and you and your sister both laugh about a joke only the two of you will ever know#hm. anyway.#ghost posts#text
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sometimes i gotta lock in and remember that these 3 things are what brought diana into existence
#i remember when someone kept deleting from her wikia that luna from mlp served as inspiration#diana literally has a nightmare moon quote and they have almost the exact same goofy personality#i'd argue that luna is probably the main reason why i fell in love with diana in the first place#diana lol#league of legends diana#league of legends#teresa claymore#lady gaga#mlp nightmare moon#my little pony#i'm dreading the day they will make diana a voice update. I mean she needs new voicelines but Mary Elizabeth McGlynn was so perf for her#and i feel like nobody will ever match her level#+ i'm afraid they will remove all of Diana's funny quotes. Let her be silly i beg#i need more ppl to see that diana is the type of character that would make self-deprecating jokes then wonder why she is lonely 😭#let her be a loser woman archetype on a power trip
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Something I see frequently is fans wanting characters like Elle Greenaway or Nathan Harris to return as unsubs in Criminal Minds, which. I'll be completely honest, I hate the idea for a lot of the suggested characters because it feels so undeniably tragic and hopeless that someone will inevitably become a killer, even if they don't want to become one. Yes, a lot of the unsubs have some kind of tragic backstory, but the thing is that they're still awful people (excluding very very few). I feel like having previous characters return as the unsub paints this picture that you're unable to break the cycle of violence or that you're destined to become a monster, which is just such a honestly tragic message, especially for a show that's already pretty dark.
I'm not opposed to characters reappearing, but I'd much prefer that if those characters appeared again that it'd be in the vein of them having undergone some kind of healing and growth and be able to find themselves some kind of peace and satisfaction in where they are in life. Let them reappear, but don't transform them into monsters but a symbol of the healing and growth available to survivors and the other characters.
#criminal minds#elle greenaway#nathan harris#don't get me wrong i get WHY ppl want it#like elle as an unsub would (admittedly in previous years when her teammates were still there) have been a v dramatic and interesting story#but at the same time... let her heal. she went through some really traumatic stuff and wasnt able to handle it and walked away#let her heal and find peace and leave behind the violence#or nathan harris! like that one admittedly always bugs me bc the idea that a kid who tried to kill himself rather than hurt someone#ends up ultimately becoming a killer anyways is genuinely so tragic and devasting and just hopeless#i just feel like a lot of these perpetuates the idea that you can't break the cycle of abuse or violence#or that you're unable to overcome the difficulties in your life or mind and your fate is sealed#which is genuinely the most fucking tragic ass theme that i've ever heard#like is that really what people want the show's message to be?#no matter how hard you try you will inevitably become what you fear and/or you will perpetuate the violence you experienced#i HATE that message#its why i really dislike how multiple characters reappear later as unsubs especially characters like lindsey vaughn and david smith#like what is the implication here? you're destined to continue the cycle of violence that your parents began?#you'll never be free from the violence you witnessed? you were just a child but your fate has been sealed anyways?#especially with so many of our mcs as well having dealt with serious trauma in their past#are they also destined to become their parents/abusers?#it just feels like a v hopeless message tbh which doesnt feel great when the show is already pretty dark#instead of characters coming back as unsubs i'd love to see them be able to help as teachers or guidance counselors or therapists#or anything really tbh like. show me that they're able to find peace despite what was done to them.#show me that while the trauma may be a part of you it is not all you are
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also OOOH if the inquisitor's fate is inevitably death i am. rubbing my hands together like an evil scientist
#ari speaks#listen. i have already decided that my mahariel dies fairly shortly after the events of origins.#levi absolutely gets left in the fade and i have not made an executive decision as to if he is ever found#(and if he is if the experience is Permanently Damaging for him)#if the inquisitor is slated to die before events of this game. BABY.#straight up. my post-trespasser ideas for rhea were already that she becomes increasingly embittered and desperate for control#post-tresspasser. i can absolutely see her dying cold and embittered and defeated in battle bc she refused to give up the fight.#arya Does get the fuck out of the inquisitioning business and tries to settle down but like. i mean.#can i turn cullen into a single father? sure. lets make shit HURT.#i mean i'd. prob prefer everybody lives but. i am not afraid to be a menace to my own lil guys#(except for maybe ikenna. i'd be sad if ikenna ended trespasser in a LDR and died shortly thereafter.)
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