#not that I have long covid but everything I experience can be a symptom of long covid | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

amethystina · 8 months ago

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A health update (and a general explanation of my long Covid)

So while I've been pretty open about living with long Covid, I realise I've never taken the time to explain what that actually means for me and my quality of living. It's a phrase I toss around but I can imagine it doesn't feel all that substantial to a lot of you.

So I figured that now that I'm feeling a bit better (more on that later) I should do so. Partly because I figure it will make it easier to understand why I sometimes have to disappear for weeks on end.

So, if you're interested, feel free to keep reading under the cut :)

But be warned: It's long and kind of whiny. But also ends on a high note! So there's that.

The first time I caught Covid was around Easter 2020, long before there were any vaccines, which meant that I was hit hard. But no matter how bad I felt during the illness itself, the aftermath has been ten times worse. I've been living with my long Covid symptoms ever since, so for four years now. They worsened for a couple of months when I caught Covid a second time in February 2021, but have otherwise held pretty steady during those four years.

A lot of people experience different symptoms with their long Covid and, sometimes, they'll change as the weeks and months go by. I actually had a very interesting couple of months during 2022 when my sense of smell just went completely whack and everything suddenly smelled differently than it should. Like, I could be smelling an apple but it did not smell like an apple. It was a weird time in my life.

Anyway. My most common symptoms are fatigue, fevers, joint pain, brain fog, memory issues, incoherent speech, and lowered blood circulation.

(The latter actually kickstarted the Raynaud's syndrome I have on my mother's side so now I struggle with fingers and feet that will occasionally go white, bloodless, and completely numb at random intervals. Fun times)

The fatigue and fevers are the worst by far. For the past four years, I have had exhaustion fevers between two to five times a week. Or every single day if I'm unlucky. It's very much tied to how much sleep I'm getting, how well I'm eating, and how many taxing things I do each day. I need eight hours of sleep to be functional and anything less than that will most likely mean I'll end up having a fever before the day is over.

Unfortunately, I've always had issues with my sleep so, on most nights, I don't get eight hours even if I try my absolute best. Sometimes it's because I wake up too early and can't fall back asleep and, sometimes — because my life sucks — it's because my fever is so high that I can't fall asleep. Cue the endless cycle of too little sleep and fevers.

Because one of the main issues with these exhaustion fevers — and what makes them so difficult to manage — is that there's no way to lower them. Medicine has no effect whatsoever. Once I have it, I just have to suffer through however many hours are left until I can sleep and hope that it'll be gone in the morning. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

And every day my energy level gets just a little bit lower and the fever a little bit higher. Some days, all I can do when I get home from work is to lie on the couch and stare at the wall because I'm too tired and in too much pain to even watch something. And, again, no amount of medicine helps.

It continues on like this for a while and, every third or fourth month or so, the strain eventually becomes too much and I fall ill. My body simply shuts down from the continued stress and exhaustion, to the point where I can barely get out of bed. And, usually, I can feel it coming. On top of the fevers, I start coughing, then get a headache, and then my nose gets stuffy. And, by that time, I know I have about two to four days before I get sick. It's so accurate that my coworkers have learned that when I give the sign, they have to tell me whatever tasks they need to be finished within the near future since I'll probably be out of commission for one to two weeks.

But I eventually recover, go back to work, and so the cycle starts again. And again. And again. And again.

For four years.

All of this has, unsurprisingly, affected my quality of life to a pretty significant degree. I can barely work, let alone spend time doing any of my hobbies. I can't really travel anymore and, if I do, I'll get sick from the exhaustion. Even the 50-minute commute to the office (which I have to do three times a week) usually results in a fever before the day is over.

This inability to travel was how I ended up missing my maternal granddad's funeral. My shitty relatives didn't tell us the date for when he would be buried until there were only two days left and even if I could have put myself on an overnight train to get there, I knew I would be in no shape to actually be at the funeral if I did. So I couldn't go.

I did go to sit with my paternal grandmother as she was dying but, as expected, I got sick and couldn't return to work for a couple of days afterwards.

I also have to skip most birthday celebrations and any events happening on weekdays since I'm usually too feverish or won't manage the required trip to get there. My life has shrunk so much I barely recognise it anymore. I don't recognise myself. I used to be one of those people who could do a million things at the same time and somehow complete all of them. I was firm, organised, and efficient.

And now I'm not.

(... or, well, technically I am — at least compared to many others — but not compared to how I used to be xD)

Point being, a lot of things have changed and I don't like it. But, with that said, I'm also well aware that I'm lucky to be alive and I'm fortunate enough to have a stable job and a roof over my head. So, all things considered, I'm still doing pretty well.

But I also can't lie and say that this hasn't affected me in a deep and fundamental way. My life has changed and, right now, I don't know if it'll ever return to what I used to consider normal. And dealing with that knowledge — and the grief and fear that comes with it — hasn't been easy. I have cried ugly, self-pitying tears over this many, many times. It's frustrating to have no control over what my body does and to constantly have to be careful of what I do so I don't exhaust myself. I am furious that this happened to me.

But, after four years, there's also a certain amount of acceptance. And while I'm annoyed by my new limitations, I try my best not to feel too sorry for myself. Instead, I try to adapt as best I can, even if I might not always do it gracefully.

That does mean that I sometimes push myself more than I should, though. Because, if I didn't, I wouldn't never produce anything. As depressing as it is to admit, everything I've given you in the past four years has been while I was sick. I don't think a single chapter I've written or drawing I've made has been untouched by this. I've become an expert at writing, editing, and drawing even with a fever.

That doesn't mean I regret it, though — quite the opposite. I think that if I hadn't had a reason to write and draw, I would have felt even worse. A lof of the time, the excitement I feel when I'm able to post a chapter or show off a drawing I've made has been the highlight of my week. It's an accomplishment.

But, that said, it's still hard. Writing in particular. It requires a level of brainpower I can't reach when the fevers are too bad. And so, sometimes, I just can't. I literally just can't.

And, back in January, as I was trying to edit chapter 39 of Who Holds the Devil, I honestly pushed myself too hard. I was so determined to finish it that I didn't let myself see just how bad I was feeling — not at all helped by how emotionally draining the content of the chapter was.

It was only once I finished the chapter and posted it that I realised how absolutely wretched I felt. Not because of the chapter itself, but my lack of compassion for myself, I guess? Because the fevers were bad, I was barely sleeping, and I was both mentally and physically exhausted. And, what was worse, I realised that I was displaying depression symptoms I hadn't seen in over ten years.

All of a sudden, I got annoyed as soon as a minor inconvenience appeared. Everything people said to me was dissected into its tiniest component. I feared that people were secretly hating me. I couldn't meet people's eyes anymore when I was talking to them. I didn't realise I was just sitting there, staring at a wall, until several minutes had already passed.

And, as the final nail in the coffin, I stopped talking about how I was feeling.

And that, right there, is my last warning that I need to do something — always has been, ever since I was a teenager. When I clam up completely, refusing to admit to the people around me that I'm feeling bad, that's when I'm about to spiral.

So, the very next day, I went to my boss and told her that I'm getting burnt out and I need to do something NOW or this was going to turn ugly real soon. Thankfully, my boss is amazing and, after a doctor's visit, I was put on partial sick leave. Right now, I'm working six hours a day instead of eight and, let me tell you, I'm thriving.

Or, well, as much as I can while still having long Covid.

I'm almost angry at how much better I feel because, if I had known, I would have done this a lot sooner. I actually have energy now! I've only had a fever about four times in a little over a month! That's insane! It used to be four a week!

So yeah. I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. The downside is that the partial sick leave is still only temporary and there are no guarantees that I'll be able to keep it. Though, if need be, I'll just have to ask my boss to rewrite my contract and change the amount of hours I work because, man, I don't ever want to go back considering how much better and happier I feel. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I feel like I've gotten my life back. It's not quite the same as before, but close enough to it that I kind of want to cry again — but happy tears this time.

And so I've spent the past couple of weeks just... living? When, before that, it felt like I was merely existing. I've been drawing a lot since that helps with the depression symptoms (which are almost completely gone, thank god) but writing has been harder. Possibly because I forced myself to do it during a time when I felt really, really bad and now I'm instinctively trying to shy away from it. But, since I know that's just my mind playing tricks on me, I'm going to give it another try this weekend. I want to write and I miss the stories I'm working on. And, hopefully, since I'm feeling a bit better, I can maybe get back to a more structured uploading schedule. But we'll see. As always, I can't make any promises.

But that's about it, I guess? I'm feeling better and, since I am, I've been doing a lot of things that I wasn't able to before (like taking walks — I take a lot of walks). And I'm still trying to figure out my new routine now that I work less. And while I still get sick sometimes (I am right now, in fact, due to lack of sleep on Tuesday night) I always find my way back eventually.

So yeah. If you've read this far, thank you so much for your patience 💜 I admit that I don't really enjoy writing things like these since it feels like I'm whining — I was very much raised not to take up space or complain when things are difficult (an unfortunate side effect to being the middle child with two disabled, high-maintenance siblings) — but I also prefer honesty and transparency. And I feel a little guilty since there are times when I've given pretty harsh responses when people question why I'm sick all the time or why I don't upload chapters as often as I used to, but without actually explaining why. So I guess it's time to be honest?

And the truth is that I've been constantly sick for the past four years. Not only due to my long Covid, but also the emotional and psychological toll of all the loss, grief, and pain I've been through. These past four years have been rough.

But I'm not saying that to gain pity or make excuses. I actually think I've done pretty well considering just how hindered I've been. I've improved my drawings so much and have written... god knows how many words. I'm honestly kind of scared to check xD But it has to be over 600k by now, maybe closer to 700k.

I think my only regret is that I haven't been able to engage with you all to the extent I would want. I wish I could be a more active and enthusiastic participant in fandom — to seek you out, hold conversations, and give you all even a fraction of the attention you've given me. I feel like I don't offer you nearly enough.

But I also know that I have to accept my own limitations. So, for now, we'll have to settle for whatever I can give, even if it's less than I would want. But I will keep on creating, trust me on that, because I'm stubborn as fuck and even if my pace is slower, I'm still determined to finish what I start.

And that's the note I want to end this on. I have suffered, yes — more so than I may have expressed to you all — but I've still managed to create some beautiful things. And while I mourn who I used to be and the fact that some of you have never known me at my best, I don't think the me I am right now is all that terrible. Do I want things to change? Yes, definitely. But do I want to change the choices I've made and the things I've accomplished in the past four years? No, I can't say that I do. I'm proud of what I've done, especially considering my limitations.

And, if you're reading this, thank you so, so much for your kindness, compassion, and support. Some of you are old friends while others of you are new, but I am grateful to every single one of you. You have made these past four years more bearable. You have made it easier to keep fighting. You have made it worth it.

Thank you 💜

#Amethystina and Life #I don't really know what to tag this as #A rant?#A rambling?#An explanation?#It's just a lot I guess #And I admit I'm still hesitating whether to post this or not #I don't like talking about things like this #Or draw attention to it might be a better way to put it #But yeah #It's here if you want to read it #But do so at your own risk #Now I'm going to bed #And might just pretend I never wrote this because I feel awkward and embarrassed x'D

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covid-safer-hotties · 3 months ago

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What It's Like Being COVID-Conscious in 2024 - Published Aug 26, 2024

Aug. 26, 2024 – On a warm July evening, Raleigh Rivera, 29, went to see a band play a backyard show in East Los Angeles. The audience – around 40 people – wore KN95 or N95 masks, tested for COVID beforehand, and agreed that they would excuse themselves from the rest of the crowd if they needed to take off their masks for any reason. Before they played, the band showed their negative test results to the attendees and asked their permission to perform without masks. They were lit with far-UV lighting, which has been shown to safely kill airborne viruses.

This might sound like a scene from three or four summers ago, when taking COVID precautions was encouraged by most health officials, policymakers, and community members – but it happened this summer. For Rivera and the rest of the crowd – who identify as COVID-conscious – life hasn’t gone “back to normal,” as it has for so many others.

Rivera and other COVID-vigilant people have cause for alarm: At the beginning of August, the percentage of people testing positive for COVID reached its highest level since January 2022, according to CDC data. The public health agency’s wastewater testing tracker shows “high” or “very high” virus levels in most U.S. states.

Many studies have shown that properly masking gives you an extra layer of protection against COVID. But Rivera, like others in the COVID-conscious community, is usually the only person wearing a mask in any given setting.

“Continuing to think and live this way kind of feels like you’re living in an alternate reality all the time,” she said. She has POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome), a chronic blood disorder that can cause your heart rate to jump if you stand up. Along with masking wherever she goes, Rivera and her husband have air purifiers throughout their home and use a saline nasal rinse and an antimicrobial mouthwash before heading outside.

Despite her vigilance, Rivera caught COVID in the fall of 2023. She got on Paxlovid right away, yet she was hit with crushing fatigue that incapacitated her for a few weeks, she said. After she recovered, her POTS symptoms – which can include fatigue, lightheadedness, and nausea – worsened. She is just starting to get her appetite back, almost a year later.

“Everything is still a risk calculation, wherever I go. But at this show, I felt like my body could finally relax,” she said. “I felt very present and a part of something in a way that I haven’t been able to experience in a long time.”

Local governments in places like New York City and Los Angeles have considered imposing mask bans – mostly in response to protesters wearing masks at rallies to conceal their identities – regardless of the summer increase in COVID case numbers.

“It takes a lot of confidence,” said Rivera. “It gives up a piece of my social currency. I know there are places I’m no longer invited to because [wearing a mask] either weirds people out or bums them out that I’m going to keep this reminder of the pandemic on my face.”

For Rivera and others, much of the onus of community protection seems to fall on those with weakened immune systems. One of their biggest concerns is the lack of masking in medical settings. While some health systems have brought back masking policies since numbers have started to climb again, many have not done the same.

Aaron Friedberg, MD, a professor and internal medicine doctor with a specialty in long COVID at Ohio State University’s Wexner Medical Center in Columbus, wears a mask in every clinical setting, even though the hospital no longer requires it.

“There are still some people who get very sick from COVID, even though it’s much less common now,” he said. “To me, wearing a mask is a relatively easy thing I can do to improve their health. It’s an important way of showing respect for your patients, to protect them.”

Bernard Camins, MD, an infectious disease specialist at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City, also understands this worry. The hospital still sees plenty of patients with COVID, he said, but the vaccinated and boosted hospital staff does not tend to see transmission of the virus because they continue to wear the right personal protective equipment.

Olivia Belknap, an associate marriage and family therapist in the Los Angeles area, is COVID-conscious and sees many clients with similar concerns. She said there is a lot to what it means to be COVID-conscious.

Nowadays, many might consider taking COVID precautions to be extreme, but Belknap herself (who was also diagnosed with POTS after a COVID infection) and some of her clients are not yet comfortable getting on an airplane or eating outside on a restaurant patio. She sees clients who aren’t willing to step indoors almost anywhere that isn’t their own home.

“A majority of [my clients] have sought me out because they know that regardless of what levels of precautions they’re taking, I’m not going to pathologize them for it or discourage them from doing those things,” said Belknap. “It’s more about finding meaning and connection in your life while still doing things in a way that is safe for you and makes you feel comfortable.”

Belknap said it’s not her place to tell people they’re being too prudent or too lax in their precautions. Sometimes, she works with clients who are anxious about taking the first steps in loosening their own restrictions; other times, she’s talking to people struggling to come to terms with what it means to have a substantially smaller social circle for what could be the rest of their lives.

Although it seems like the rest of the world has moved on, the worry is valid for those whose lives may be upended by a post-viral reaction from a COVID infection, Camins said.

“It may not be death, but it’s still debilitating. You’re alive, but it’s not a fun way to live life,”

While protecting yourself against what could be life-altering long COVID symptoms is more than justified, Camins said there is a potential downside for those with weakened immune systems: They might get sicker from other viruses than they would have before.

“The only thing I worry about for this community is that, since they’re very careful about COVID, they’re probably not getting exposed to other viruses that their bodies can build immunity against,” he said. “At some point, if you let down your guard, you’re going to get sick a lot.”

There are times when Rivera wants to give up on masking altogether, like when she attends a wedding. She still goes to many of them, and she puts in the time to do her makeup, despite knowing most people won’t see her face for most the night. She’d like to be able to take her mask off indoors, eat inside without worrying, or have a drink with friends.

There could be a future for Rivera that doesn’t include the same level of precautions she’s currently taking – but that comes with conditions.

“There are some places that I know I will continue to wear a mask forever, like in medical settings or traveling,” she said. “But I also know that there will be no more weddings for me if I am permanently and significantly more disabled than I already am, and that’s very possible with another infection.”

#covid #mask up #pandemic #covid 19 #wear a mask #coronavirus #public health #sars cov 2 #still coviding #wear a respirator #long covid

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chongmiz · 6 months ago

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I heard I can fo it with a broken heart on the radio

And aside from the chorus being kinda awkward (I'm so depressed I act like it my birTHHHdaayyyyyYY)

I think this whole 'i sold you a lie you think I'm doing well but I'm not but I'm killing it so I'm a #girlboss try come for my job' is so embarassing

Because everything shes done over this last year I've thought 'theres a woman doing real bad'

Like I'm not trying to dispute the effort and energy that goes into touring like she does, but a lot of her decisions both professional and personally have made me think uh oh

Its giving 'could a depressed person do this?' But it's about dating the worst men on the planet and looking like shes going to cry on stage half the time

💌 come talk to me, a veteran swiftie in the anti- tag in the same way that martin luther still thought himself catholic

where i land with it lyrically is in conversation with four songs: "mirrorball" from folklore, "nothing new" from red TV, and two other ttpd tracks, "who's afraid of little old me" and "clara bow"

per the long pond sessions, she wrote "mirrorball" partially about COVID's effect on touring ("and they called off the circus, burned the disco down / when they sent home the horses and the rodeo clowns"). pair that with the much discussed WAOLOM asylum line and... it might be because she says "circus," it might be that while i have no personal experience of involuntary hospitalization i Do have basic empathy, but i think of the two great blond celebrity memoirs of the last few years: britney spears' the woman in me and jeannette mccurdy's i'm glad my mom died. which is all to say, she doesn't Have to do it with a broken heart! actually! "the asylum where they raised me" sounds like her pursuit of fame was coerced by say, a stage mom or an abusive contract or monetary need (it wasn't), if she was in an urgent health crisis like ICDIWABH suggests ("even when you wanna die"), she has all the power to postpone or cancel dates. she's not in a conservatorship, she's not being Made to tour; i can imagine feeling obligated to pay the hundreds of people it employs, but she is an actual billionaire, i think she can afford blue cross blue shield PPO plans for a militia. you can interpret "all the pieces of me shattered while the crowd was chanting 'more!'" as resenting the audience, but there's other performers in smaller venues with less freedom and power who need to be onstage to afford food. idk.

then there's the "try and come for my job:" extremely vague as to who is coming for it, and the popular reading is of other pop stars on tour. "clara bow" is my favorite track on ttpd by a long shot in part because it feels like a more mature version of "nothing new;" it's a little kinder to the ingenue and seems to respect her predecessors, recognize that She was the ingenue once, but it does not match up to her actual conduct in public. this is where i become very asian, but besides her being uhhh... pretty drunk at the grammys this year, i think her behavior is more a symptom of white american culture as egoistic and ahistorical—this is the kamala harris "you think you fell out of a coconut tree" meme, yes, but more broadly my complaint is filial piety. acting up in front of the likes of celine dion and tracy chapman and joni mitchell, especially on a night that celebrates all three of them, is absolutely unacceptable to me. they're your elders, they paved the path you're on (nothing new: "she'll know the way, and then she'll say she got the map from me"), but her teenage fans who've never heard any other music don't know or accept that she Isn't actually the progenitor of acclaimed women singer-songwriters

she wants to be seen as a "cool big sister" mentor to younger pop girls or boosting indie acts like boygenius, but afaik she herself hasn't shared the stage with an older female musician since alanis morrissette as a surprise guest on the 1989 tour. sure, she showed up to induct carole king to the rock 'n roll hall of fame, with a solo stage. but as much as people first cringed at luke combs' "fast car" cover, he acquitted himself with his grammy performance. there is true reverence there. if taylor brings stevie nicks (who wrote a poem?? for the ttpd physical editions) onstage at some point soon, i'll Maybe start to believe she doesn't see women over 40 as piles of dust she's either embarrassed to stand near Or, you know, who expose that she did not in fact fall out of a coconut tree, and have more stage presence sitting down than she does in sequins

#ask #this is an essay #because i am a swiftie!!!! okay!! i can criticize because i know her catalog better than both anti's and ass kissers #anti taylor swift #anti ttpd

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aspd-culture · 9 months ago

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aspd and adhd(/possible autism) culture is realizing only once you're out of high school "ohhhhhhh wait, so i thought i wasn't abused growing up, but actually i was and it only stopped due to covid, and that resulted in my osdd system and aspd?"

buckle up, this is Long and definitely classifies as a Vent. honestly, you can ignore the middle section and jump to the next blank line of space if you want.

jesus christ. i was punished more harshly than my peers, i struggled to make friends, i was put into a little school program where board games were used to reinforce good behavior in problem kids which i only realized two months ago, my memory issues (which were always there, but only noticed in fifth grade) got me into so much shit with every authority figure ever, i broke a window using one of those mechanical hamster things that were popular at the time by accident but i didn't care at all, that's just scratching the surface

memories of things have been coming back to me lately. according to my mom i was such a nice little kid, always shared and was polite and highly empathetic, all the goods.

school came along, flipped everything on its head. i remember harassing and hurting animals, and people, and sometimes telling those people not to tell—not because i felt bad but because i didn't want to get into trouble again, it was an inconvenience. my home life was pretty good but other kids left me out of things a lot and sometimes called me names, even the neighbors' kids i liked to hang out with would make me the monster of their games and that does something to a kid (one of them is also the reason i'm a victim of cocsa). when i did something wrong or bad there was only punishment because i "should know not to do that" and so i had to teach myself how to be a functioning and good member of society. i got good at lying towards the end of third grade, the skill got better from there with every punishment i faced

when a former friend told me "hey, you have aspd traits/might have aspd" i went and found the checklist, because thorough research is how i work, went through it. at the time i didn't think it fit very well because "yes, i experience that but that's pretty normal for people, i learned how to manage it under several layers of creating a socially acceptable person just like everyone else"

i've gone back to it a couple times since and wow, surprise surprise, everything applies! the "this doesn't apply to me because i have a system to help with this thing" mindset means the thing still applies! there's some stuff, namely the destruction and truancy, that i didn't do but that's solely because i knew i couldn't get away with it and therefore didn't bother trying. so thanks to aaaaaaall that stuff and more, i definitely grew up with both conduct disorder and odd, and now it's aspd

i can't say i'm mad about having aspd? it causes problems in my life, yes, but i've spent so long wrangling myself into a form small enough to fit into society's box that it's not the worst thing anymore. i think i'm more mad at society, my peers, for not helping me with this and being kind where they should've, especially my mom as of recently

that said: it is fucking hard-wired into me that there's only good people and bad people in the world. harmful behavior towards me (or someone else doing something i can't forgive) is automatically met with hammurabi's eye for an eye. the coping mechanisms i use work very well, are generally healthy, and people who don't do anything to calm themselves down and think rationally tend to piss me off. i have been fighting those things for a while but they're the ones that simply won't go away. hamburger help me.

aspd-culture-is

There's a lot of good information in this ask. Too many people see ASPD as a direct result of physical abuse or CSA/SA, when a lot of ASPD symptoms really develop around things that are seen as smaller issues, where a child's problems get diminished by the people who are supposed to help that child to the point where they feel the only person that will help them is themself.

More than anything else, I personally think a very quick and simple way to decrease the number of people who end up with ASPD would be to get parents and other caregiving adults, and honestly society as a whole, to understand that regardless of how simple, silly, or insignificant it may seem to someone older, these "silly" things are often the worst thing the child has experienced up until that point. Someone always having to be the monster sounds like nothing to an adult, leading to no response to help besides maybe "they're just teasing you, ignore them". But "just teasing" is the most social rejection a child has experienced to that point, and so it is extremely distressing and emotionally painful. It feels like the most isolated they could possibly be, because they haven't been around long enough to experience worse. Then, the child is told to ignore it, which not only fails to make them feel better, but often causes it to get even worse as the other kids try and push harder to get the reaction they're looking for. Do they eventually give up? Sometimes. But the lengths and extremes many bullies will go to when "just teasing" doesn't elicit a response is disturbing and that fact is either unknown to or ignored by adults.

Part of why always being made the monster does something to a kid is that it is treated as a non-issue. When that is what a developing brain learns is the reaction to their pain, they will no longer seek outside help when things become extreme.

TW: descriptions of SA/r threats. Skip the following paragraph and move to the next one to avoid. Also a bit of a vent.

When I was in school, I was teased. I was made the dog who was not allowed to talk or a person with their vocal chords removed any time we played pretend. Sometimes they made me a rock or stick on the ground, even. It sounds like nothing, and when I was told it would go away if I ignored them, I listened. It didn't stop them. It led to an entire set of multiple schools that were combined into one building seeing me as a verbal and sometimes physical plaything; a place to take out your angst and distress. I lost my personhood in their eyes, so my understanding of social interactions were tainted and colored by the way my peers treated me. I told anyone who tried to befriend me not to be seen talking to me, to bully me publicly so they wouldn't get the treatment I got, so even the few people who tried to be kind got a skewed, unnatural social interaction with me. Many listened, and I don't hold that against them at all. That's simply what they had to do to make it. It got to the point of receiving verbal and *detailed, written-out, and signed* r word threats, and boys who were 11 years old talking about kidnapping tying me up in their parents attic and using me whenever they wanted (theirs was more detailed). Some even attempted to touch me, and adults nearby ignored it because "X likes to handle it themselves, they don't like when adults get involved", because I learned that they would only vaguely say stop, and it would get worse. That's what happens when you just ignore it.

And what do we call a person who learns that only they can protect themselves, and who doesn't understand any positive interaction with anyone that isn't transactional? Antisocial. I hate the idea what a positive relationship with family is incompatible with ASPD, sorry about the rant. Because of how ASPD develops, I refuse to dislike or resent myself or my symptoms when it comes to ASPD. If people didn't want me like this, they shouldn't have treated me like this.

Plain text below the cut:

TW: descriptions of SA/r threats. Skip the following paragraph and move to the next one to avoid. Also a bit of a vent.

#aspd-culture-is #aspd culture is #aspd culture #actually aspd #aspd #aspd awareness #actually antisocial #antisocial personality disorder #aspd traits #anons welcome #tw sa mention #tw abuse mention

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eyra · 4 months ago

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Would you be comfortable sharing more about your experience with pmdd? I'm certain I have it, but I feel like it's pointless visiting the doctors because women's issues are often brushed to the side. But every month, the week to two weeks before is hell. I'm here now, and I've been crying all day yet feel empty. I can't bring myself to do a single thing. I've been snapping and just want to sleep all day. I feel like I just want to give up on everything 🩷

oh bless you 🤍 that’s no fun at all. and you’re so right in that women’s health is far too often brushed aside, and doubly-so with anything relating to periods. PMDD is a very isolating condition because unless you’ve got it, it’s so easy to dismiss it as “just PMS” and I find that so frustrating and upsetting.

basically: I had very easy periods all through my 20s and fairly good overall health. then in my early 30s (I’m 34 now) I kept having these bouts of feeling physically unwell, like I kept feeling as if I had a bad cold that I never quite managed to shake, and I was so tired and low energy all the time. I went to the doctor in summer 2022 and summer 2023, both times just telling them that I felt as if I couldn’t get well. I had various rounds of blood tests and scans and stuff and they eventually told me it was long covid and that there was nothing to be done other than get on with it. then towards the end of last year I started having moments of feeling desperately low emotionally - usually signposted by a few days of properly overreacting to stuff, which isn’t like me, and it would then descend into a few days of feeling very sad and not myself. I noticed that this was always happening in the days leading up to my period, so I just dismissed it as PMS, but then - as the emotional stuff was getting worse - I noticed that all the physical stuff was lining up with my cycle too. it got to the point where I was losing days and days every month to headaches and unbearable fatigue and I also just felt fully insane so I finally went back to the doctor and said I think all this stuff is related to my period - not long covid.

fortunately the doctor I saw that time was great. she took it very seriously and after a bit of back and forth she diagnosed it all as PMDD.

if you’re able to I’d really recommend trying to see a female doctor and speak to her about what you’ve got going on. keep a diary of your symptoms for a few months, literally tracking everything day by day. it’s arduous and frustrating but keep pushing them to take it seriously! there’s no cure and (obviously, annoyingly) very little research into it but there are things you can try to manage it, whether that’s lifestyle changes or medication. it’s very trial and error but speaking to a doc is the best place to start.

worth mentioning that not everyone with PMDD experiences physical symptoms - so even if you feel physically well, it’s still worth looking into.

I’d love to say I’ve found a load of really helpful resources and support online that I could share with you but genuinely I haven’t - hence the feelings of isolation - but always happy for anyone to reach out for a chat.

#ask #personal #PMDD

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cocklessboy · 1 year ago

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Conditional Male Privilege

Not long ago I wrote up a long post about my newfound male privilege when it comes to health care which uh. Kind of broke containment.

This past week I had an experience which reminded me that no matter how much progress I make, my male privilege is still extremely conditional.

There are the obvious points like, I'm gay, and soft, and gentle, and chubby, and short, so a lot of people see me as "not a real man" even if they don't realize I'm trans.

But even in the very situation I used as an example of my privilege before (health care), that privilege can be stripped away in an instant if you get the wrong doctor.

Last week I had to see my GP for an urgent problem: I had covid. (They insisted I had to come in person, though obviously I wore a mask.) I have a lot of chronic health issues, and I wanted to try antivirals to reduce my odds of getting long covid (even though my symptoms weren't too severe). Because it was urgent, I didn't get a choice of which doctor at my clinic I would get to see. And the one they sent me to was a woman with a history of dismissing my chronic health problems and pain as "just anxiety."

I had not seen this doctor since my transition. But as I wrote in my previous post, any female-presenting readers will know what I mean when I say she "talked to me like a girl."

First off, she called me in by my deadname. She is the only doctor at this clinic who does this. Everyone else knows to call me by my real name even though it's not officially changed yet. There's a big obvious note on my file. But she called me in by my deadname (in front of the entire waiting room) and when she saw me, she didn't quickly apologize or correct herself.

I explained the issue: I have covid (they tested me and confirmed it) and I want to try antivirals because my chronic health problems (still in the process of being formally diagnosed) put me at greater risk of long covid.

And suddenly I was a child again, facing a mean lady doctor who wanted to lecture me about how I was wasting her time. She didn't scold me, didn't get angry. She just laughed. She chuckled at every concern I brought up. She raised her eyebrow. She rolled her eyes several times.

She refused to check my file. She refused to take my temperature. She kept telling me to "stop worrying so much."

I explained, calmly, rationally, that I would like to try antivirals to reduce my risk of long covid. She explained, holding back laughter, that I "wasn't that sick" and "it's not like you're at risk." She specified, "It's not like you have an autoimmune disorder or something." I countered, calmly, rationally, that in fact I was at risk, or at least there was a strong chance of me being at risk. That I had a lot of chronic health problems that have been documented for years, that one of my doctors suspects and autoimmune disorder such as MCAS (given that I have bad allergic-seeming reactions to almost everything including most medications, even antihistamines, and severe acid reflux that prevents me from taking most meds that might help me), and that while the process of getting a diagnosis might take a very long time, my symptoms ought to make it clear that I am at a higher risk than a typical person. What's more, it's the middle of summer, in a heat wave, the infection rate being reported is extremely low, and there should be no shortage of antivirals for those who want them.

Refused to check my file. Rolled her eyes. Scoffed. Repeated that I'm not that sick. That I'm not at risk. Put on her "okay, sweetie" voice and insisted that I was fine, that I just needed to "stop worrying", that "covid is mild now," that I just needed "vitamin c and a bit of rest," and that she "wasn't worried."

If I found myself with a bad cough or a fever, I could come back to her (she specified) in a few days for a check-up. I told her I already had those symptoms. I'd been suppressing the cough with menthol candies to avoid frightening the other patients and spewing germs everywhere, but I'd been kept up all night hacking up phlegm.

She raised her eyebrow and told me to take some Robitussin.

I told her I already had a fever, which was going up and down, but at its highest was high enough that adults are advised to seek medical assistance. She rolled her eyes and refused to even check my temperature.

She gave me two prescriptions for the symptoms and sent me on my way. I grabbed them at the pharmacy and looked at them closely when I got home.

One was a nasal spray. I can't use nasal sprays because of sensitivity in my nose, so that one was out immediately.

The other was pseudoephedrine (good, that's good stuff and not available OTC in this country)... combined with Loratadine. A fucking. Antihistamine.

She prescribed this to me less than five minutes after I finished explaining to her that I can't take most antihistamines.

Despite my increased confidence now that I'm on HRT, I still freeze up when faced with a hostile doctor. I have too many years of trauma (and too many autism gremlins) to be able to stand up for myself the way I should. I've tried memorizing the scripts - please write down in my file that you refused to give me this treatment and your reason why, and I would like a printed copy of that when I leave - I feel like you are treating me differently because I am transgender or because you perceive me as female and I would like that reflected in the notes for this visit - etc. But in the moment, all I can think of to say is "but... but.... but....... but I really am sick....."

And I've been masking my autistic traits and hiding my pain and illness for so long that a doctor who has already decided I'm a hypochondriac will always reply, simply: you don't look sick to me.

I wrote to the clinic asking for a written explanation for her refusal to give me antivirals, as well as a request for a different prescription because, "As I mentioned during my visit today," I couldn't take the antihistamine.

She replied by apologizing for the medication error and sending me a new prescription (pseudoephedrine + ibuprofen - you can't get pseudoephedrine on its own in this country). She did not respond to the part about refusing me antivirals.

I have booked an appointment later this week with the good doctor at this clinic, the one who takes me seriously and actually wants to help me. The one who gave me a referral for a pain doctor (something I'm still trying to get an appointment for - there's a shortage of specialists in this country). This time I'm going in prepared. I will follow up with him on my current state, and I will bring notes. I will tell him what happened with his colleague, how it made me feel, and how frustrated I am. I will ask him if there is any avenue for me to lodge a formal complaint. I may not have been able to stand up for myself in the moment, but I will not simply let this slide. It's too late for antivirals, but I will ask him to at least make sure the visit I had last week is recorded accurately in my file.

Fortunately my covid symptoms are mostly gone already and it seems I was lucky. Still, it will be some time before I am 100% sure I haven't gotten any long covid symptoms. And the fact that there was a medication readily available that could have increased my odds and I was refused it for no reason other than misogyny (doubly frustrating when directed at a trans man!) is utterly infuriating to me.

I am still better off than I once was. Most doctors DO take me more seriously now.

But my doctors will always know I'm trans, even when I get my paperwork updated.

And there will always be doctors who treat me like a woman.

And there will always be doctors who treat women like shit.

They shouldn't have talked to me that way. They should never talk to anyone that way.

#long post #transgender #queer #transmasc #trans man #misogyny #medical misogyny #medical sexism #sexism #transphobia

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i-cant-sing · 1 year ago

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Dreams! I love dreams!

I'm not Islamic but I've read about djinns before when I was around 15 and I asked a friend who was islam a lot of questions. You can imagine how terrified younger me was when I found a mark that could be interpreted as a djinn mark after waking up from a nap 😭

I have the most insane dreams and usually I can remember the entirety of it and just type everything the moment I wake up so I don't end up forgetting it (my notes app hates me for it 😭). I think the most plot filled dream was an apocalypse one, the explanation was something about it being a strand of rabies and how it evolved to make humans more rabid but filled with rage then somehow it evolved to make them more durable?!! It was accidentally leaked by some government and it spread too quickly then humanity decided to form "domes" to house the uninfected. There were around 20 domes around the world in different countries (max was 25 but 5 fell because people were being stupid, can you imagine that people were literally denying that the virus was even a thing like how they denied covid? Crazy 😂).

And the military was reconstructed to something more simple, each dome had a "commander" and there were squads with some holding a specific purpose and others just for fighting. The squads would be deployed to regain more land for humanity. They even developed a form of "beacon" that would help the agents (that's what they were referred to) identify severe levels of contamination and another invention that would help agents last longer outside for missions. That's why the domes were built, because the virus had managed to become sort of airborne?

A lot of agents used to die when sent out on missions which is why a shit ton of stuff was invented for them. Then it turns out that the most OP person was part of some dangerous experiments that the higher ups were running. The gist is that they would look for different individuals that could co-exist in a way with the virus. A lot of people died and they would use those to then develop a serum that could stall the symptoms while keeping the durability/strength. But the person would still slowly become corrupted. And then the plot plot was figuring out who was purposefully collapsing different domes, lowering the numbers from 20 down to 28. Part of the ending was exposing how even in an apocalypse, those in control would do inhumane things, and that the rich would stomp on the poor.

I just realized how long this is, I am so sorry 😭. I always ramble when it comes to dreams 😭. And I'm not that great of a writer so I don't write about them to anyone either 🤧

A++++ dream

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thedomesticanthropologist · 7 months ago

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it's been a while since I've seen you get any sobriety related asks, I hope everything is still going okay with you, and if it's alright I had a question of my own that I wanted to ask you about -

if you went to work during your sobriety journey, did you find it difficult to pay attention to your job, or was work actually a good distraction for you? I've heard different opinions in regards to working while in recovery, like I've heard some people say it actually helps because it keeps you on a schedule and can provide a sense of normalcy. but I can also imagine it being a challenge thanks to things like handling work stress without anything to take the edge off and going to work while sleep-deprived.

I know it probably depends on a bunch of factors like what job the individual has, what the work environment is like, and what kind of symptoms they're going through. but I would still genuinely appreciate hearing about your experience, and any advice you have for dealing with working while recovering.

thank you so much and congrats on everything you've accomplished so far!

I work from home and also volunteer a lot in my local community, including being part of a local volunteer association! It gave me the flexibility I needed during early recovery.

If I were working full time, which I have been during a previous recovery, I'd agree that the structure is good 👍 when I fell off the wagon that time it was after I quit my job at beginning of COVID

The most important thing is sleep. Being able to sleep, being able to crawl into bed undisturbed for long rests. Your body goes through so, so much in early recovery that whether or not you're working, having lots of water and getting lots of sleep is the magic ✨️

#sobriety

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teasetmonster · 2 years ago

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So, I hadn't realized this, but it looks like I haven't really said much about my progressive illness, ME/CFS, on tumblr post-2017. And I imagine that as I post here more again, I'll encounter people who are unfamiliar with me, so I'll try to give a synopsis:

I started having increasingly frequent headaches and then constant burning in my eyes in high school, which we might have payed more attention to if, in my senior year, we hadn't discovered a congenital malformation in my brain that would end up either killing me or permanently damaging my brain if not removed. Before going off to college, I had a craniotomy (surgical procedure where they cut open your skull; I have a big scar under my hair) to remove it that went well.

In college the headaches became one singular headache that just didn't ever end, and the pain started expanding down my body. We started paying attention at this point, but were still kind of distracted as my anxiety and depressive disorders were discovered and diagnosed and I started treatment for them that went well.

I took a medical leave of absence as the headache grew worse, I struggled in school for a mystery reason that I now know was ADHD, and I developed gallstones (I ended up having my gallbladder removed). Over the next couple years, the headache increased to a migraine with the extra symptoms migraines involve and the pain expanded to encompass my entire body. In 2016, I then started experiencing Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which I was lucky enough to be diagnosed with 6 months into my fatigue symptoms. As my fatigue increased, my cognitive function was impaired and it became increasingly rare that I was able to think clearly enough to draw, hence why I posted very little art for a few years.

If you've kept up on the Long Covid epidemic, you've probably heard about ME/CFS, and so you may already know that ME/CFS has no existing treatment or cure. All you can do is desperately try to treat your symptoms, struggling through the barrier of doctors completely unfamiliar with the illness, who are also often unwilling to educate themselves and persistent that you must actually have something they're already familiar with instead.

I've had very little success treating the pain despite trying everything the various neurologists I've seen over the years have thought to try. (if it's something with real medical evidence behind it, I can guarantee I've tried it and I've also been tested for like...every immune disorder.) I currently get 9 take-as-needed doses of a medication that lasts about 2 hours and ever so slightly decreases my pain most of the time (sometimes it doesn't work at all). And that's all I have to go on for 25 days. Again, my pain is unending. I never don't have a migraine. I'm just using my migraine meds to take the edge off when it gets particularly bad. I do have meds I take for symptoms like nausea and digestive issues that don't get rid of them, but do lessen them.

But the biggest thing was I started Low Dose Abilify for the cognitive fatigue in 2021. It actually worked and helped a little bit with physical fatigue as well. The difference was quickly outwardly apparent even at a very low dosage, not to mention inwardly apparent to myself. I've slowly titrated up, in between trying other medications for my symptoms, over the past couple years, and in January 2023 realized that my cognitive function had improved enough that I could regularly draw again and physically could sit up long enough to do so, even though I'm still forced to do so from my bed, which is why I now draw on an ipad. As far as I can tell, this is due to the combination of Abilify and the iron infusions I now get. I'm currently navigating what I am now capable of, and that means experimenting with making art regularly again. -Teaset

#rambling robins #me/cfs #disability #chronic illness #progressive illness #health

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horseforeplay · 1 year ago

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idk if that's long covid but i got covid 3 times and i'm pretty sure i don't have the same stamina i used to have :// everything is so tiring i just prefer to stay at home most of the time

ackkkk i'm so sorry. i'm not a doctor obvi and this is a very limited glimpse into your experience, but with how common long covid is, it very well could be post-viral ME/CFS. with PEM, you can be okay as long as you're operating within your "bubble" (doing limited tasks but nothing spontaneous or exerting yourself more than usual). unfortunately, even if real exertion feels strained but manageable (and this can be a difficult task of any kind, not necessarily physical), you can crash 24-72 hours later. a crash can last weeks, months, or years. i had terrible energy problems immediately after my acute covid infection last year (i have now learned it's because my mitochondria are simply not functioning lol -- i just never recovered), but followed the advice of the seven? eight? different specialists i saw and tried to pace myself as work demands ramped up. i was OK-ed for surgery. i took on part-time work. i applied for grants and did my household chores. my energy remained tricky (like i could work from home normally, but a trip to costco could knock me out the next day), and i'd have seemingly spontaneous bouts of pleurisy. the signs were there. now, almost a year later, i am in the midst of my first major crash. i do not know when it will end. if you have any symptoms of PEM (and you can check out the archived atlantic article i linked in response to that recent ask) i need to emphasize that this is not a condition you can push through. you cannot work your way into health. if you have ME/CFS, i do NOT, under any circumstance, recommend exercising. many physical therapists attached to long covid clinics do not know this (as mine didn't), and will recommend activities that can kill you or leave you bed bound. even if it's not classic long covid, having the virus three fuckin' times is nothing to thumb your nose at. i'm sorry the world is telling you to move on. solidarity wherever you are & i hope you are able to rest

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myalgicencephalomyelitiscfstom · 2 years ago

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I’m very grateful for the online chronic illness community and feel it can and does make a positive contribution

--- I was recently asked to submit some comments about my experiences of using the Internet as somebody with an energy-limiting chronic illness. As I was one of many people who were contacted for this article, “Spoonies: who we are and how to be an ally” https://chronicfeminist.uk/2022/09/17/spoonies-who-we-are-and-how-to-be-an-ally/ not all my comments were used so I thought I would share them in this mini blog. This of course is not a comprehensive exposition of the topic. --- I have been severely affected (housebound with dozens of debilitating symptoms) with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (sometimes known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, or ME/CFS) since all the way back to 1994. In 1995, I joined my first online forum in 1995 (CFS-L/alt.med.cfs) and ever since I’ve been a regular contributor to online ME/CFS and chronic illness forums and more recently social media. My energy-limiting chronic illness/spoonie condition means I’ve never actually attended an in-person support group in all those years so it’s been great to have access to all the online discussions. One of the things I’m most proud of is highlighting how graded activity/exercise programmes may not just help but can sometimes cause harm in ME/CFS. I wish someone had warned me of this as it might have prevented much of my disability. I initially became ill in 1989 as a sports-mad 16-year-old after contracting a viral infection; I wasn’t diagnosed until age 22: I blame the late diagnosis and the advice to exercise as causing my illness to deteriorate drastically as for the first few years I was only mildly affected and in full-time education. Unlike pharmaceuticals, non-pharmacological interventions like exercise programs are not highly regulated. The harm many of us had suffered from exercise programs was not being picked up. I and others were able to use online media to warn others including in recent years those with similar symptoms following Covid (i.e. a subgroup of those with Long Covid). I would like to think this has prevented some people’s health deteriorating. I was so frustrated by the medical profession ignoring the fact that graded activity programs for ME/CFS very often didn’t work and sometimes caused harm that I eventually devoted a lot of my free time and energy writing to peer-reviewed journals (see: https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Tom-Kindlon/research ). I teamed up with others I met online on many occasions. In recent years, national guidance in the field from bodies like NICE and the CDC has changed with graded exercise programs no longer being recommended and I believe what I and others I worked with online helped bring about these changes. Both the internet and myself have changed over the years. Initially I was in some groups for young people who were ill but passing 50 last month, I can no longer be seen as young by any definition. Saying that, I’m still dependent on my parents who do all the chores for me in the family home, freeing me to use my limited energy in ways I find most meaningful. Apart from family life and some limited contact with old friends, most of my contact with the outside world is online. The internet has been a godsend in enabling me to connect with others with similar experiences and challenges in a way that doesn’t drain my energy stores too much. Also, now photos and videos can be shared enhancing the experience in comparison to the 1990s when everything was in text form. Throughout history, some have claimed the latest technologies would cause major harm in weird and wonderful ways we would now consider ridiculous and I think that’s how people should consider claims that it is somehow harmful for people with energy-limiting chronic illnesses to use the internet to discuss their challenges and reach out to others in similar circumstances.

#spoonie #myalgic encephalomyelitis #chronic fatigue syndrome #chronic illness #mecfs

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eremitical · 10 months ago

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doing some research on the current state of long covid because i'm interested. Below the cut is excerpts from the most comprehensive look at how long covid is doing right now. This was originally going to be a compilation but this article is just the best and it covers a lot of perspectives.

(January 18, 2024)

tl;dr- Long covid rates appear to be going down + recovery from long covid seems to be getting better within cases of more recent infections. Full recovery still remains uncommon+people are less likely to recognize their symptoms as being long covid, so anecdotal evidence of lower long covid rates are somewhat mute. Research results vary as to what preventative measures can result in what efficacy. More recent long covid cases are more likely to experience neurological symptoms than the initial waves of long covid patients.

"Most of the experts I spoke with for this story do think that the average SARS-CoV-2 infection is less likely to unfurl into long COVID than it once was."

"Lisa Sanders, an internal-medicine physician who runs a clinic at Yale, told me that more recent cases of long COVID appear to be less debilitating than ones that manifested in 2020. 'People who got the earliest versions definitely got whacked the worst,' she said."

[when vaccinated,] "courses of illness also tend to end more quickly, with less viral buildup, giving the immune system less time or reason to launch a campaign of friendly fire on other tissues, another potential trigger of chronic disease."

"Others have pointed to the possibility that more recent variants of the virus—some of them maybe less likely to penetrate deeply into the lungs or affect certain especially susceptible organs—may be less apt to trigger chronic illness too."

"But consensus on any of these points is lacking—especially on just how much, if at all, these interventions help. Experts are divided even on the effect of vaccines, which have the most evidence to back their protective punch: Some studies find that they trim risk by 15 percent, others up to about 70 percent. Paxlovid, too, has become a point of contention: Although some analyses have shown that taking the antiviral early in infection helps prevent long COVID, others have found no effect at all. Any implication that we’ve tamed long COVID exaggerates how positive the overall picture is. Hannah Davis, one of the leaders of the Patient-Led Research Collaborative, who developed long COVID during the pandemic’s first months, told me that she’s seen how the most optimistic studies get the most attention from the media and the public. With a topic as unwieldy and challenging to understand as this, Davis said, 'we still see overreactions to good news, and underreactions to bad news.'"

"With vaccines, for instance, the more wide-ranging the set of potential long-COVID symptoms a study looks at, the less effective shots may appear—simply because 'vaccines don’t work on everything,' Al-Aly told me."

"Long COVID remains one of the most debilitating chronic conditions in today’s world—and full recovery remains uncommon, especially, it seems, for those who have been dealing with the disease for the longest." (article linked here is from 2022)

"[Hannah] Davis also worries that recovery rates could drop. Some researchers and clinicians have noticed that today’s new long-COVID patients are more likely than earlier patients to come in with certain neurological symptoms—among them, brain fog and dizziness—that have been linked to slower recovery trajectories, Lekshmi Santhosh, a pulmonary specialist at UCSF, told me."

"Long COVID can also manifest after repeat infections of SARS-CoV-2—and although several experts told me they think that each subsequent exposure poses less incremental risk, any additional exposure is worrisome."

"Even if rates of new long-COVID cases continue to drop for some time, Yonts pointed out, they will likely stabilize somewhere."

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choco-cherry-chunk · 2 years ago

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That miscarriage headcannon hurts me! Could you do one where Philip has a miscarriage?

Oh no, I’m sorry! I feel bad, both for that and the fact that I now have an ask from you and another anon asking me to write a head canon about Philip having a miscarriage, so I’ll try to satisfy both of you here. The other anon specifically asked for this one to take place during “Glass Onion”, when Benoit is in Greece.

TW FOR MISCARRIAGE

I think, if this were to happen during the film, Philip would have just found out about the pregnancy right before the audience gets their intro to him. His reasoning for being short with Helen at the door is because, just before she knocked and while he was in the middle of most recent baking excursion, he received a call from his physician. He’d not been feeling well of late, and while his symptoms haven’t aligned with what he’d been seeing about COVID-19, he did want to be sure. Only his doctor assures him that he doesn’t have COVID, but instead he is pregnant. He’s shocked. In this context, I am imagining that they have several children already, that they’ve grown up and at this point, the two of them are living on their own as their children have gone to experience their own lives. He obviously isn’t against children. But the unexpected possibility of having a baby at this point in their life, it throws him for a loop. He is still reeling when Blanc informs him of this new case and he can barely muster a well wish goodbye. Benoit can obviously tell that something is off, but he’s admittedly too eager to take on this case to really analyze the reasoning.

When Benoit is in Greece, Philip makes another appointment to confirm things, to make plans. He calls their other kids to talk and check in, and it admittedly gets him reminiscing. He thinks about how much he and Benoit loved raising them, how much they adored them as babies and love them now. He begins to think more about this baby, about how things will be this time around. And then he goes to the doctor.

Apparently, it was never viable. It wasn’t anything he’d done to harm the pregnancy, nor could he have done anything to prevent it. Sometimes these things just happen. But that doesn’t change the hurt and he goes home to go through this grief alone. He knows he will have to tell Benoit - they didn’t get to be together this long by keeping secrets - but for now, he wants to be alone with this pain.

Except he isn’t for long. After everything that happens in Greece with Miles and Helen and the envelope and the Glass Onion, it clicks for Benoit. He remembers symptoms he and Philip went through with past pregnancies, how familiar they were when he saw them happening for Philip just before he left. He rushes back to their apartment, so excited. After all, they have so many children, he can’t imagine a situation in which he or Philip wouldn’t be happy with this news. He bursts into the apartment, all smiles and carrying some lovely souvenirs he picked up in Greece, only to find Philip sitting on their balcony, despondent, silent, and aching. He asks him what’s wrong, having learned over the years that, as charming as Philip finds his deductive abilities, he can find it rude for him to know what he’s going to say before he says it. Philip finally tells him the truth, the pair is able to share their sadness.

#knives out #glass onion #benoit/philip #philip #mpreg #asks #anonymous

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