#not sure of the best way to write essays on tumblr anymore

[nonnymousehouse]

Della/Launchpad Ship Meta

I feel like people should talk about the things they like more often, especially when it comes to ships. Meta isn't very common anymore and shipping manifestos - essays written by fans talking about why they love the ship that they do - appear to be a dead practice.

I wrote this short mini essay for the Delpad Fan Club here on Tumblr and later posted it on AO3. I may write more in the future. As for other places with Delpad meta, you can check out Kirbtaro's fanblog which contains all of her Delpad meta over the years.

If you disagree, that's okay! All I ask is that you be respectful and read with an open mind. This is fandom, after all. The whole point is to play with possibilities in a fan space!

Simply put, these two have so much to learn from each other and, in many ways, are the only two who can help one another. You can try to put other characters in their place, but it won't work.

One of Launchpad's greatest insecurities is rooted in how he isn't a traditionally taught pilot. A lot of his skills come from learning on the (ahem) fly. Della is traditionally taught and works hard to be the best at everything. The idea that she could fail and fail hard upsets her.

Her greatest source of trauma is when she crashed on the moon - due to her own folly. She may have the practical skills to land a plane, but when pushed into an emergency situation, she didn't know how to handle an emergency crash. To Launchpad, this would be second nature to him.

While the show does have Della teaching him how to land a plane and Launchpad teaching her how to crash properly, I feel like the show didn't really delve into what a big deal this is for both of them. The two of them are healing their deepest sources of trauma through the others' skillsets. It would have been fun to see the two of them acknowledge that.

If Launchpad had taught Della how to safely crash from before, she wouldn't have lost her leg. If Della taught Launchpad how to properly land a plane, it would help him overcome his fears of not being good enough.

Launchpad admires anyone who can get back up from their setbacks and Della Duck is firm in her belief that nothing can stop her! The things that LP loves about the Sunchaser (when he was chatting with Beakley in Last Crash) are the same exact qualities that Scrooge compliments Della on when he sees her leg.

While the show may never directly acknowledge it, the two need each other to become the people they most desire to be - to be their most complete selves. Launchpad is an outsider to the family but desperately wants to be a part of it. Della is a part of the family but, due to her past, feels like an outsider. If these two work together, maybe they can find a solution that makes both of their wishes come true.

And, well, wouldn't that fit the theme of found family? Webby is also an outsider who longs to be part of the McDucks and her reward is to be Scrooge's protege - the successor to his fortune. Launchpad's feelings as an outsider of the McDucks never really changes - his consolation is that he has to find a new family for himself. Which never sat right with me - surely he can have the Mallards and the McDuck/Duck family as his families at the same time? The show outright states that he continues to work for both Scrooge & DW at the same time after Let's Get Dangerous.

If Launchpad were to, say, marry Della, he'd get to be an official member of Scrooge's family, just as he's always wanted. He'd essentially be Scrooge's son-in-law (or, well, nephew in law). Kinda like how being Scrooge's daughter allows Webby to be the "fourth nephew" - which is what Webby has always wanted.

[pacificwaternymph]

Hi so. Double life absolutely wrecked me. I am never going to be over DL!Pearl, that has now been accepted as a fact of life. So... would you mind fixing the canon for me?

Prompts 17, 24, and maybe 28? You don't have to do all of them, but they all fit the plot I'm imagining in my head rn, so I listed all three.

Thank you!!! Poor Pearl needs some more love :'( I love Scott, but Pearl deserved so much better than what he gave her. I will cite multiple tumblr posts and write a whole essay if you need me to to prove this. I don't have many things I'm this passionate about, but I will die on this hill.

17. "You don't have to be alone anymore."

24. "Unless you ask me not to in the next five seconds, I'm going to hug you."

28. "...I don't hate you." "...you don't?"

This one's a bit shorter bc I'm tired today. But I hope it will suffice <3

-

"I don't hate you, you know." Pearl blinked, and looked up at Scott. Her soulmate, who never wanted her. Who she had abandoned the first day and who in turn refused to have anything to do with her.

It was just the two of them, now. Somehow, against all odds, they were down to the last two. There was no one else to focus their anger on, no one else left in their way between them and victory. And so, there was no more avoiding what they'd been dancing around for so long.

"...You don't?"

Scott shook his head. "I'm angry, with you. And I don't know if I really like you, right now. But I don't hate you. I never did, really. It was just... easier to pretend that I did."

Pearl felt a lump in her throat. She looked back down at the lake before them so that she didn't have to face her soulmate's expression, completely unreadable. It didn't work, and she still caught Scott's eyes in the reflection of the water.

"Oh."

Silence fell over the two of them once more, nothing but the sounds of the surrounding forest to fill the space. Pearl wanted to say something, but the words stuck in her throat. How did she do it? How did she even begin to describe the complicated snarl of emotions in her chest that even a mere mention of Scott pulled back up to the surface?

She'd spent this whole time justifying everything she did with the fact that Scott didn't want her, that he couldn't stand her. He had Cleo, his chosen soulmate, he didn't need anyone else and certainly not her, reckless and constantly endangering both of them as she was.

Yet here he was. And his words didn't line up with her thoughts at all.

"One of us needs to die for this to end," Scott eventually said, pushing through the quiet in another attempt to reach her. "After that, it will all be over. We'll go back to whatever world we came from and we can forget this ever happened."

Pearl nodded. She knew this. Everyone in the games had known this, and she was sure that many of them were eager to leave this place behind.

Still, she had to wonder how the more functional pairs would handle having to leave their soulmates along with everything else.

"But... let's not do that." Pearl blinked, looking over at Scott with widened eyes. Had she heard him right?

"What do you mean?" She asked. Scott smiled wearily, highlighting the bags under his eyes.

"Wherever we end up, let's find one another. We can start over. We'll do better, be better." Scott's tone turned wistful. "You won't have to be alone anymore."

Pearl's breath caught in her throat. That was all she had ever wanted, wasn't it? To not be alone anymore. To have someone she could lean on, someone she could depend on not to abandon her at the first sign of trouble.

She was sure that she must have had something like that, in one of her past lives, to want it so badly. But she could not for the life of her remember when.

She sniffed, and Scott's smile dropped, turning to sympathy. Fat tears welled up in her eyes and streamed down her cheeks, dripping down into the lake. Her shoulders began to shake, despite her best efforts to keep them still.

Scott laughed sadly, looking not too far from tears himself.

"Unless you ask me not to in the next five seconds, I'm going to hug you," he breathed. Pearl stared at him for a few seconds, then nodded slowly.

Then there were arms around her, pulling her in close, and a hand on top of her head, gently stroking her hair.

Pearl returned the embrace, fingers curling into the back of Scott's jacket and holding on so hard she was almost worried about hurting him. But he said nothing, so she didn't loosen her grip, burying her face into his shoulder.

Eventually, Scott began to pull away. For a moment, Pearl thought about not letting go. But if Scott truly meant what he was saying, and he really did want to find her in the next life and fix things between them, then she couldn't allow herself to mess this up. She released him, already feeling colder without the context.

"Alright," Scott shook his head, and pulled himself to his feet. "Let's do this."

He offered her a hand, and Pearl hesitated for only a few moments before she took it.

[aliquistis]

I just want to say that I literally made a new tumblr account after like, 10 years of dropping the platform, just so I can tell you how much I'm loving Witch Ways. Your prose is so polished I wonder if you're a published author. You have the best interpretation of the canon events, Gale, and your OC fits into everything so well like it was made for her.

Also I freaking love when you write in other companions' POVs. You write all of the companions' voices so convincingly; Lae'zel's voice & POV written by you is a JOY to behold.

I could write a whole essay more - but just wanted to say, thank you. Can't wait to read more. And if you ever publish a book, I'll be the first to buy it.

Thank you so much! I think I have said it a hundred times by now but I really am having a great time writing Witch Ways. I kept telling my friends at first how it felt super self-indulgent cause I was basically writing it just for myself, so it makes me really happy to see other people enjoying it.

I've actually been trying to get my first book published for a bit now :) I'm doing nanowrimo this year to finish a second book. As soon as I have any luck in those endeavors I'll be sure to update here. (I don't really use twitter anymore) The great thing about writing fanfic is it gets you into a writing routine that makes it easier to pump out a lot of words when you need to. Kinda like a muscle, and Witch Ways has had me working it out a lot.

[courtlyharlequin]

Hello everyone, I’m alive (´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀)

It’s been a while since I’ve been on this blog. I’ve been super busy with uni as of late. And to be honest, I’ve lost interest in twst along the way. Not completely. The game still has a special place in my heart, but I suppose I’m not as obsessed to the point where I’d write about it anymore… if that makes sense. Too busy to play means being behind on lots of events. Pair that with lots of papers and essays,,, yeah not really a good mix for me and a writing blog _:(´ཀ`」 ∠):

I’m not sure what I want to do with this blog going forward, but I have lots of drafts to finish and I want to clear up my inbox so I don’t leave any request hanging. So I’ll probably work on those and just keep this blog up if anyone wants to reread stuff? For now?

Basically, it’s gonna be the same thing as it was for the past 2 years so far (aka inactive) but now it’s like idk the last sale before the shop closes. Also, I apologize for any inaccuracies in the drafts I’ll put out in the next few days,,, like I said it’s been a hot minute since I touched twst so everything is a little fuzzy. I’ll try my best though Σ('◉⌓◉’)

Thank you all so so much for supporting me this far. This was my first writing blog ever and I honestly didn’t think I’d get that far with it, but I have 1.4K followers. I also made lots of friends and memories through this blog and I’ll always cherish them.

I’m most grateful to my followers. I still get notifs sometimes for the things I write. You all make me laugh whenever you keysmash in the hashtag.

This isn’t goodbye yet. It’s a “see you later” type of thing. I still have things to post-!!! I’m also active on my main tumblr, twt and discord if you ever wanna chat.

And who knows I might post from time to time here if I get a sudden wave of twst fever 🩷

[concrete-the-cat]

The Evolution of Music in a Game the Majority of the Internet thinks is Cringe

okay so, tumblr friends, i know what you're thinking -

"this is going to be an essay? with a title like that?"

NO

It's not going to be

It could be but I don't have the willpower to go all out on Where We Lore Droppin' Boys

So for now I'm just marking down weirdly good songs that were made for/by Epic Games and Fortnite that I've found. Because??? For some reason??? They went from making the Silly Clappy Dance (DU DU DU DOO DU) to music that sounds like it belongs in an AMV/PMV?? And yes that's because they got enough money to hire capable musicians but STILL

And I needed the internet to hear this because i KNOW tumblr is the one place that wouldn't hear fortnite and turn away because you guys are COOL and would probably actually dare to listen to music from an FFA BR Game

OKAY LET'S NOT WASTE ANYMORE TIME

(i am ranking these by order they come to mind and how good they are not by release, there's only 5 best ones but there ARE even more good ones than this i just have other stuff to do rn)

Brace for Chaos - seriously this is amv/pmv materiel here i mean there's specific things but "storm" can be interpreted in so many different ways and yes some notes are painfully off but I mean HOW is that so GOOD for FORTNITE???? Really went from Rock-Pop-EDM-Rap seamlessly in like 2 minutes

Butter Barn Hoedown - Funny as hell, literally on par with most modern country music I've heard with the same comedic energy as your average American Applebee's advertisement, this one's less because it's good and more because the singer sounds like he's having the time of his life singing 'GOT THE BEST DANG SLURP ON THE WHOLE DANG MAP' in the best generic Texan Twang ever

Vital - Egotistical and not honestly my favorite but still sounds like it'd fit into some PMV somewhere... also had to look it up to make sure that wasn't Derivakat singing, which it wasn't, but I mean-- it's CLOSE, okay?? The song's not bad and plus on Epic's part it was literally the same thing as an average fic writer making a character and deciding to write them a song before explaining their lore since the character the song is for (Highwire) doesn't even have a story or character on the map, but still manages to get this not-half-bad tune

Subterfuge - I never said they had to be with lyrics right? Anyways this sounds like James Bond x Block Rockin' Beats, and honestly it's one of my favorites regardless

Redline Cruise - Okay if you forgive the initial cheesy forced laughter and the repetitive chorus, the bass and melody is honestly pretty good and could hold it's own with a fair few independently released EDM artists, I think. It lines up pretty good with ZHU, at least.

Honorable Mentions!! No explanations for these, I just think they're good but not top tier - Crashed In (instrumental is an option), Falling Stars, The Syndicate, Thunder Roll, High Stakes Club (regrettably, I don't speak Japanese - I think that's what it's in, anyways, judging by the language on the cover - but the melodies are nice), Merry Mix, Pop It

What do you all think??? Are they good?? Are there better songs from FN I could've put here??

[fantomette22]

Hey! Happy New Year to you! I am glad that there is a time-convenient reason to share what makes me happy about you and what I am thankful for! That's what us here in this country do at New Year x) I really really REALLY appreciate your ability to cherish little and personal things in your life! You are like... surprisingly 'real' and unaffected for a person using Twitter and Tumblr, you know? You can be like "Hey guys I had a really fun and interesting conversation with a friend about [Bloodborne character]! :)" and it just feels so sweet. You appear rather disinterested in clout or shallow approval or trends for me, and I say this in the most praising way possible. You like PEOPLE and TALKING to people, you do not want to have enemies or "platform", you are interested in any sort of information and perspective and I swear I see a like note from you under EVERY obscure lore essay post. This is just really precious how you are like... one of very few people I can name who knows how to have FUN with something. Thank you for cherishing little but genuine things in life and being your free self no matter what! Hold onto it and not let anyone convince you there is a "problem" with how you choose to examine and approach things! Also on the side note, I wish you the best in your artistic pursuit. Seeing you design many Byrgenwerth characters and evolve as an artist was a delight. Like that drawing with Gehrman and the Doll where you added EVERY detail of her clothes and used green and dark blue pen to approach Gehrman's eye color? It was fucking AWESOME and I went 'holy shit, she is evolving'. But your funny moment snippets are good too. I hope you keep growing as both artist and writer, but also never forget what makes you yourself and what is your motivation in all this! :)

Wow...Thank you so much this is so sweet 🥲

Me ? Liking people ? And talking to people ? Oh I guess if people are nice and I talk about an interest of mine I am indeed unstoppable XD Sometimes it's not easy but I did grow to talk more freely when I feel at ease. I tend to isolated myself so I got to compensate. Never be the really talkative one in class. I like talking in general even if it's just monologue too. And on internet, in text it allowed me to be even more free and chilled with what I say too! (Friendship or just being nice is important for me and irl it was really complicated so I'm glad that the online one help me balance things)

May be a bit egoist too but I do tend to look for a lot of approval, genuine one. Perhaps a bit too much, I need to calm on that but it always make me really happy. low self esteem who's healing since a few years talking

"I see a like note from you under EVERY obscure lore essay post" oh really ?💀 you caught me on that one X) (didn't know they were obscure post XD I'm just looking around trying to found cool and interesting stuff and I'm sure I miss/ didn't found that many things yet! That's what happened when you try to find content about the same very specific few characters lol)

And it's quite important to have fun ! So I'm trying to enjoy what life have best to offer at least. it's not always easy but it's important and without enjoying it and the fun things that goes with it, I wouldn't saw the point anymore.

I'm really happy how I evolve artistic wise too :) I do things rarely but bloodborne and other interests really managed to got me motivated to produced things I wanted to see and wouldn't find anywhere ! I'm happy to have be able to do funny lil ones and more worked ones ! As well as writing ! wow if smn told me a last year : oh you're gonna write fanfic ! I wouldn't have believe them. And even happier to know that a lot of persons seems to really enjoy all of this too ;)

[operaofsocks]

if i may...

being a popular and well-known fic author isn't really like... a thing? in modern day fandom? maybe in some, sure, but your cassandra clares or whoever else just don't really happen anymore. fandom is much bigger than it used to be, and you'll always be putting your work onto a pile of existing works, unless it's a small fandom, in which case you'll be one of the few posting it but also one of the few even around to read it.

and, look, here's the thing: your fic will be popular, at best. you, as a person? that still requires some legwork. you cannot just write well and become a household name in the same breath. like even for famous published authors, how many people do you think know who stephen king is as a person? his name is certainly "household", but he's also been putting out an obscene amount of work for decades.

now. i'm not actually trying to be disparaging, here. i just wanted to get the ugly bits out of the way first.

here are the metrics on my most popular fic:

and here's the raw text of that screenshot:

Comments: 397 Kudos: 2,351 Bookmarks: 170 Hits: 29,345

i'm sure there's tons out there with more than mine, but for my fandom i think this is pretty good. now let me tell you how i did this:

i wrote what i wanted to.

this is not a guarantee. it is not a surefire way to become popular. but it is fun, and people will recognize your passion. they'll enjoy your work more because you're enjoying it. writing what you want, how you want will always be better for EVERYONE involved, i promise. if you write to meet a quota, to appeal to the common denominator, people can tell. it's not nearly as fun to read unless you're really, really good at it, in which case you'd honestly be better off using that talent on things you like anyway!

and my fic has not made me popular. is the fic popular? reasonably speaking, sure. but i've been plugging this tumblr into the comments of every chapter for a few of those now, and the people who have followed me are few, and the people who've actively spoken to me are even less. and this isn't a bad thing! i don't want anyone to feel obligated to talk to me because they like my writing. in fact, if they actually want to do it, it's way more fun for both of us! sound familiar?

if you want people to like your work, you need to make work you can be proud of, anon. people will be far more interested in you if you do. and they'll give you nice comments and theorize on where you're going and write essays in your inbox about their favorite parts. that feels so good. way better than raw metrics ever could!

do not chase the high of popularity. it will only hurt you, i promise. someone will like what you do, and if not, write something else you want to write, and keep doing that until someone does finally come along and go, "oh, wow, look at all this content for this thing i didn't think anyone else would like!"

anyway, sorry for the ramble. hope it helps.

my biggest obstacle as a writer is that i desperately want to be a popular and well-known fic author, but my main fic inspiration comes from characters most fans don’t want to read fic for, or ideas that go against popular fanon/characterization and so are doomed from the start. i end up feeling paralyzed and like i can’t write the unpopular ideas I want to write, because i hate knowing i could have done better by writing something with broader appeal. but whenever i try to write solely for numbers i lose motivation while the halfway through the fic. so i end up unable to write anything and feeling miserable because of it.

i want to see my unpopular ideas come to life, but i don’t want to see my fics crash and burn and keep missing the chance to create fic that people really love. so most times, i don’t write anything, but i hate that i’m so hamstrung by my own anxieties. i so desperately wish i could create one of those extremely well-known long fics that most people love and always rec everywhere, but i feel like i’m completely incapable of that. i know i should be writing for myself, but i’m greedy and want results and for people to like my fic, however unlikely that is. wanting to write my ideas but knowing i’ll limit my audience if i do is something that’s constantly on my mind. do you have any advice for me?

My biggest question after reading your ask is simply: why?

You're very clear about wanting to be a popular writer. You want to write a fic that lots of people talk about, and you want people to know who you are. Have you examined that desire at all?

You say that the things you actually want to write are not the things that will make you a popular author. That means you have a choice:

write things you don't care about with no guarantee of becoming that Big Name Fan or

write things you love and enjoy spending time writing and know that BNF status will probably never happen.

Writing fanfic is really not a great way to try to become popular. It's an even worse way to try to become "famous" in any kind of way. So dig into what it is that you hope to get from the "broader audience" that you could appeal to by writing something you don't really like.

Are you trying to get a feeling of being liked? Respected? Looked up to? Do you want to be someone other fans look to for advice or for setting the tone of the fandom? Do you want love? Power? Some kind of community connection? Recognition of the effort you put into your works?

Some of those things likely will require you to pretend to be someone you're not. You might even manage to write that one big fic that gets thousands of comments and tons of people talking about it on tumblr (or wherever else you care about, social media-wise).

Others you can probably still get by writing your "unpopular" ideas but seeking out your fellow fans. It will take more legwork to find them and you'll need to be willing to be the first one to reach out for a conversation, but it can definitely be done.

I'll leave it up to you to decide what you actually want, anon. But take your time and scrape off the top layer of shiny thoughts about popularity first. Then you'll be able to see what's underneath.

[fredmundo]

https://www.tumblr.com/thespermdonorstorylineisstupid/748050962962415616/we-also-dont-need-to-keep-having-people-writing

No no not mad at you sorry 😅 just frustrated in general. Because it has been happening since 7.4. Just the other day I went into the Ryan tag and the first thing there was a gif of Buck and Tommy Kissing. Eddie Diaz is being tagged in posts about how soft and great Tommy is with Buck. Buddie tag here and ao3 is being flooded with posts about Tommy. I saw one yesterday tagged Buddie and it was how the poster hoped they would get to see a ton of scenes with Buck Chris and Tommy, eddie not included. I told someone else this the other day that was confused why more and more people seem to be “snapping” at Buck Tommy Shippers, it’s because tagging exists for a reason. And we are all thrilled for canon bi Buck being confirmed finallyyyyy after all these years. But not everyone is a multi shipper. Which is fine. And not everyone is a solo shipper. Which is also fine. And the first few days after 7.4, a few incorrect tagging posts not a big deal. But here we are two weeks later and it’s still happening. ao3 stories are being labeled as Evan Buckley/ Eddie Diaz and then they are buck Tommy stories. They are being labeled buddie and pre relationship and then nothing even hints at romantic about buddie in the stories. It just focuses on Buck and Tommy. Here on tumblr the Buddie tag is getting influxed with I ship Buddie still BUT and then it’s an essay on why Tommy is so great and why everyone should think so to and if they don’t your suddenly phobic posts. Or posts about how people need to stop making bi Buck about Eddie while they then in turn make it all about Tommy 💀. Neither post however is actually about Buddie. So the growing frustration is coming from now even the people who are completely neutral about the Tommy of it all and still waiting for Buddie and just trying to enjoy the ride, now suddenly can’t seem to curate their experience because people won’t tag correctly. Every tag it’s becoming essentially shoved down people’s throats of how great Tommy is. And isn’t Tommy the best. And Tommy and Buck are so great and so in love and it’s the best thing ever. Like they had 1 bad date, and 1 kiss. Which again for the die hard Buck and Tommy shippers more power to ya. I am genuinely happy you get to experience this. But for the people neutral on this specific relationship or just not vibing with Tommy in general, trying to go into the buddie tag, or the Eddie Diaz tag, or the Ryan tag every day for two weeks and not seeing those tag related posts anymore and instead seeing Tommy Tommy Tommy I’m sure you can see where the frustration comes from and why it building and more and more arguments are breaking out. Buck and Tommy have to my knowledge their own tags and I don’t know if buddie shippers are going into them and doing the same thing there in which case my point stands for them as well to stop doing that and tag correctly. This got way wordier then I meant to and I have no idea if it makes any sense 😂 but basically

TLDR version: not mad at you specifically OP but would really like people to start tagging correctly again so people who want to see specific tag related posts can start seeing those again.

bruuuuuuh my adhd had so much trouble without paragraph breaks lmao took me a couple tries 😂😂

i get your point and i get your frustration if people are doing it to be dicks. i literally don't think i have seen any overtly positive tommy stuff in the buddie tag that doesn't also mention buddie. that doesn't mean those posts aren't there it just means i don't know how big of an issue this actually is.

the post i made that i think got you into my messages was literally pro buddie endgame and just saying i like tommy's character so it is tagged as such like everything mentioned is tagged.

but also it isn't that big of a deal if someone miss tags or directly tags things outside of bucktommy. if you don't wanna see it, scroll past it. if someone is on your post writing shit you don't wanna see, reblog it and delete the additions. that's what i do at least

and like im not even a die hard bucktommy shipper ???? i don't even think i would classify myself as a shipper. i just like that there is bisexual representation on my screen and lou is dorky and i collect dorks. but like i don't see them together or read fics or make edits for bucktommy.

looks like we can both be a little wordy anon<3😂

[teplomilka]

28 augusti 2023

well well well. i already see a type of content on this little page i didn't know it could be even a thing: a collection of fun facts about me and stuff related to me. i just.. i like telling people fun facts and since this page is basically about me and my stuff, sooo i think it's actually a natural instinct for me to put some facts here and there.

soooo.. hehehe.. the next fun fact about me is that in my teenage years, i was quite interested in blogging. during that time i created several blogs (some of them were of various purpose) - i had at least three or four tumblr blogs, three blogspot sites, a few on facebook, i think i even created a couple of pages on some other platforms, but i really don't remember their name. and for a while i had a twitter profile, but after a while i stopped going there and when i returned after a long time, i couldn't remember the login, lol. i mean, both password and email (prob lost the email password too so i coudn't reset the password). yes, i know, my brain is a stoopid lil potat (￣^￣) so in 2017 i made a new one hh (°´꒳`°) aaand that one stayed with me since then. sure, there are some... meh and weird and cringe tweets, but i'm looking at it as part of my past, when i went through many very difficult stages and exactly those times formed me into the being i am now. you see?

ok, and why am i telling you this? because some of them are actually findable and with them stayed also my posts that wouldn't be here anymore not still existing those blogs.

umm and you know what? i want to post here one short story, in fact my first one (if school essays don't count) and maybe it will be better on a new post. moreover, it's in slovak and i am really sorry but eh.. i don't know.. maybe some time. it's just that in my work i'm trying to focus not only on a story and interpretation and all these things we are taught and used to pull out and take from the text, but also on choosing the words that add to the flow of reading and that way help with immersion. probably the best analogy i can give you on that matter is that my ultimate goal is to create a literary work that is by itself one extensive onomatopoeia. i don't know of you understand, but basically that as you read it, it sounds and feels like its whole meaning..? for example, a story about love, that when it's read, it sounds and feels like love.

and fun fact for the end - that is one of my reasons why i learn so many languages - so in the future i will be hopefully able to translate my writings into different languages with the same or as close as possible experience as with the original one (*´꒳`*)

~ tori☆*

[marshmallowgoop]

Things I love about Heiji and Shinichi (as someone who hasn't read much of the manga and is about halfway through the anime):

🔎 The way that Shinichi is instantly impressed by Heiji's deductive abilities. He respects Heiji's skill to such an extent that, solely out of concern for what will be discovered about him, he decides—unhesitatingly and while feeling deathly ill—to accompany the Detective of the West on a (seemingly non-murderous) case investigation that he pointedly had no interest in otherwise (Episode 48).

🔎 The way that Shinichi tells Heiji—the boy whose life has been so defined by comparisons to his father (and later to Shinichi himself), who is so insecure that he constructs unnecessary competitions in an effort to feel as though he's worth something—what essentially amounts to, "You don't have to prove yourself to me" (Episode 49). Despite the temporary antidote wearing off and making it a considerable effort to even remain standing, Shinichi is still sure to let Heiji know that there isn't any competition in detective work—that "[t]here's no winning, losing, above, or below when it comes to logic... After all, there's always only one truth."

🔎 The way that Heiji enters the series purely to find Shinichi, and the symbolic significance that can be read into how Heiji is, quite literally, the reason that Shinichi does in fact appear for the first time since being poisoned (Episodes 48-49). It's as if to say that Shinichi cannot keep hiding behind Conan when Heiji is present—that Shinichi cannot help but be himself, not the false persona he's created, when in the company of Heiji Hattori.

🔎 The way that Shinichi not only can be himself with Heiji but also feels safe being himself with Heiji, even early on, when he doesn't (consciously) want Heiji to know his true identity, so easily deducting with Heiji in their second meeting (Episodes 57-58) because he respects Heiji's abilities, trusts that Heiji can solve the case, and wants to do so beside him.

[Image descriptions: Screenshots from Episode 57. Conan and Heiji stand outside in the dark. Conan talks to Heiji, who looks at him, saying, “But all the suspects were in the lodge... Could someone have put a time-activated detonator in the garage?” End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that Shinichi, regardless of his tsundere attitude, genuinely loves deducting with Heiji and makes this fact no mystery. He's full of smiles when they're working a case, absolutely ecstatic to share his findings with his partner, thrilled to bounce ideas off of someone he trusts to be on the same wavelength. From the way Conan looks adoringly up at Heiji in Episode 118 (and throws a literal tantrum and is sooooo grumpy when they're separated), to the way he eagerly calls out to Heiji that he's found what they're searching for in Episode 167, to the way he's so clearly looking forward to the prospect of comparing notes in Episode 174, to the way he smirks when they've both come to the same conclusion at once in Episode 263, to the way he grins and asks, "You got it too, right?" in Episode 382, there's the definite, undeniable understanding that Shinichi absolutely cherishes Heiji's company.

[Image descriptions: Six screenshots. In the first image, from Episode 118, Conan walks with Heiji and Sakata, looking up adoringly at Heiji while smiling broadly. In the second image, from Episode 167, Conan shines a light on a small hole in a wall, saying with a wide grin, "I found it! Hattori, it's here!" In the third and fourth images, from Episode 174, Heiji asks, "Then shall we compare notes?," to which Conan smiles in response. In the fifth image, from Episode 263, Heiji and Conan stand out in the rain. While smiling and looking at Conan, Heiji says, "Now we know why the killer wore a special outfit that has a zipper." Conan smiles back. In the sixth image, from Episode 382, Conan smiles and says, "You got it too, right?" End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that Conan looks so content when revealing the full truth to Heiji (Episode 58). The way that letting Heiji in is such a comfort, a relief. The way that Shinichi is elated to have someone to confide in, to not have to hide from, who is his peer, not a mentor figure or a parent.

[Image description: Screenshot from Episode 58. Conan and Heiji sit on a bus; Conan has told Heiji everything about how he’s really Shinichi and searching for more information about the organization that poisoned him. Conan has his hands behind his head and smiles. Heiji leans against the window and rests his face in his hand as he looks at Conan. End image description.]

🔎 The way that Heiji is adamant that children not be exposed to murder (Episode 48) but also doesn't belittle children, either. When trapped with a killer (Episodes 57-58), Heiji doesn't brush off Conan's insights or tell him that he's not allowed to speak; in fact, Heiji encourages Conan to share his thoughts prior to realizing that Conan is actually Shinichi. And Shinichi, who has consistently been discounted and not taken seriously because of what he looks like, relishes Heiji's consideration, momentarily forgetting his circumstances as he deducts without his usual façade. Heiji always recognizes the value in Shinichi's words—he goes so far as to suspect that they're true Sleeping Kogoro!—regardless of how the person speaking them appears.

🔎 The way that Heiji is so set on seeing Shinichi again—after meeting him all of once!—that he enters a Sherlock Holmes fan tour (Episodes 57-58), which required exemplary knowledge of Holmes to be selected, despite openly not being a Sherlock Holmes fan and preferring Ellery Queen... all for the self-admitted chance that he might find Shinichi there. Not only that, Heiji effortlessly rattles off various facts about Shinichi, making it abundantly clear that he's read plenty of Shinichi-focused interviews and reports.

[Image description: Screenshot from Episode 57. Frowning and with his hand on his chin, Heiji thinks to himself, “Kudo ain’t here. I shouldn’t have come on this tour...” End image description.]

🔎 The way that Heiji notes in FUNimation's English dub, "When a guy's away from his girl, she's all he can think or talk about" (Episode 48), and the way that this sentiment near perfectly applies to his feelings about Shinichi, given that he gushes and talks about the Detective of the East so incessantly and with such reverence that Kazuha initially believes that Shinichi is a girl whom Heiji is in love with (Episode 118).

🔎 The way that Heiji's unabashed affection is so notable in this story, as characters here are typically embarrassed to admit their warm feelings for one another.

🔎 The way that their relationship is thus built on a kind of openness and honesty seldom seen in the franchise, something evident not only in Heiji's proud displays of emotion but also in Shinichi's vulnerability with Heiji. As soon as their third meeting (Episodes 77-78), Shinichi reveals to Heiji the tragic conclusion of one of his most emotionally devastating cases, “The Piano Sonata ‘Moonlight’ Murders" (Episode 11), wherein he couldn't stop the culprit from committing suicide. It's a trauma he explicitly feels unable to share with Ran, and it's likely that he hadn't spoken of it to anyone else aware of his identity at that point, either. But he feels safe letting Heiji in.

[Image descriptions: Screenshots from Episode 78. Conan kneels on a table and looks inside a container while Heiji looks at him. Conan says, a very serious look on his face, “Say, Hattori. Have you ever killed someone?” End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that Heiji takes Shinichi's words then—"A detective who corners someone with logic, but lets them commit suicide, is no different from a murderer"—to heart, sustaining a bullet wound whilst successfully preventing a culprit from shooting themselves in the head (Episode 118). The way that Heiji so deeply values Shinichi and his insights. The way that Shinichi realizes the depth of Heiji's admiration and is profoundly affected.

🔎 The way that Shinichi so deeply values Heiji and his insights. The way that, in as soon as their second encounter (Episodes 57-58), Shinichi's nervous about Heiji uncovering his true identity, despite never feeling similarly about the actual police detectives with whom he'd worked dozens of cases at that point. 

[Image description: Screenshot from Episode 58. Conan looks up at Heiji, thinking to himself, “But it’s all over if he catches me during my explanation.” End image description.]

🔎 The way that Heiji's deduction suspecting Shinichi's favorite soccer player of murder enrages Conan (Episode 239), and the way he angrily declares that he'll prove Heiji wrong, signifying just how intensely Shinichi respects Heiji and his logic, because why else would Shinichi get so heated and determined to uncover the evidence that would render Heiji's deduction false?

[Image descriptions: Screenshots from Episode 239. Conan, furiously angry, tells Heiji, "That's ridiculous! It's absolutely impossible!" Then, Heiji, with a surprised expression on his face, is shown beside Conan, and Conan continues, "And I'll prove it, just you wait!" End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that Shinichi thinks so highly of Heiji that, in his imagined future (OVA 9, "The Stranger From 10 Years Later"), Shinichi conceives of 26/27-year-old Heiji as a prominent, well-renowned detective with his own agency—who is so good at what he does and so attractive that he's nicknamed "The Lady-Killer of Naniwa."

[Image descriptions: Screenshots from the 9th Detective Conan OVA, "The Stranger From 10 Years Later.” Conan (now an 11th grader just like Shinichi was) watches a news broadcast on the streets of Tokyo. It's an interview with an older Heiji Hattori, who smiles politely. The interviewer says, "I've heard that the young ladies have a certain nickname for Hattori-san... "The Lady-Killer of Naniwa." End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that they both respect each other but never fall into unhealthy idolizing, with Heiji not hesitating to call Shinichi out for his bias in the aforementioned Episode 239, with both willing to disagree and not unthinkingly believe anything the other says (see also Episode 174).

[Image descriptions: Screenshots from Episode 174. In the first image, with his face shadowed by darkness, Heiji says, “This is very interesting.” In the second image, the full moon is shown, with clouds moving to let its light shine through. Heiji continues, “How unusual. Our deductions aren’t the same.” In the third image, Conan’s face is slightly lit by the moon. He says, with a smile, “Yes, this has only happened once when we first met.” End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that, with the help of their fathers, they both solve the same case while in middle school and are then too ashamed to meet because they feel the other is the better detective for seemingly solving the mystery on his own (Episode 490)... but they still smile fondly at the prospect of finding each other again one day.

[Image descriptions: Screenshots from Episode 490. In the first image, with a fond smile on his face, Heiji thinks, "Well, even if I don't see him, if he's a detective..." In the second image, with a similarly fond smile on his face, Shinichi thinks, "We'll get to see each other one day on some mysterious stage." They are both outside at night, with snow falling around them. End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that the sponsor screen at the end of the episode (left sponsorless on streaming sites like Viu and Bilibili), which usually consists of a still or short looped animation, is instead a collection of clips from the case that looks like a Heishin fancam.

🔎 The way that the episode, focused on Heiji and Shinichi's relationship, is filled with traditionally romantic imagery, with cherry blossoms in the beginning and, of course, the snow.

🔎 The way that Heiji originally defines Shinichi as his rival but is repeatedly ecstatic to work with Shinichi, not against him. The way that Heiji loves to emphasize their similarities, bringing them closer together rather than farther apart (as pictured below in Episodes 117, 189, and 516), and the way that Shinichi, likewise, is delighted by the existence of a young detective just like him (Episode 490), even blushing when he first learns of Heiji in the manga's version of the story.

[Image descriptions: Three screenshots. In the first image, from Episode 117, Heiji smiles while talking to Conan on the phone, saying, "Yeah, I bet! You and me are a lot alike! We cross paths before we even know it!" In the second image, from Episode 189, Heiji sits with Conan on Conan's hospital bed, holding a bouquet of flowers. Heiji says, "I was shot in the stomach, too. We've got things in common." In the third image, from Episode 516, Heiji smiles broadly while picturing Shinichi, thinking, "It's just as I thought! We're two of a kind, birds of a feather!" End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that Heiji gleefully describes himself as Shinichi's best friend rather than Shinichi's rival (Episodes 277, 521). The way that Heiji finds helping and being friendly with Shinichi so much more important than competing against him.

[Image descriptions: Three screenshots. In the first two images, from Episode 277, Heiji smiles and blushes as he says, "This old man [Dr. Agasa] called me, saying that if I, your best friend, came, I could help you." In the third image, from Episode 521, Heiji smiles and blushes in the car as he tells Kogoro, who is driving, "Of course because I'm Shinichi's best friend." End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that Heiji engages in some of the silliest—and cutest—shenanigans so that Conan can participate in solving mysteries with him. Be it stuffing Conan in his jacket (Episode 118), lifting Conan up so that he can see evidence (Episodes 263, 278), or even sabotaging a good luck charm to make it so rain would cancel a field trip that'd keep Conan from a case (Episode 325, though, okay, maybe I don't like that example so much...), Heiji treasures working with Shinichi and is so eager to do whatever he can to ensure that his friend can freely do what he loves.

[Image descriptions: Four screenshots. The first image, from Episode 118, shows Heiji unzipping his jacket, where Conan had been hiding. Conan gasps for breath and blushes. The second image, from Episode 263, depicts a rainy scene. Heiji holds up Conan so that Conan can see a photograph held by Inspector Otaki. The third image, from Episode 278, shows Heiji holding up Conan so that Conan can see a photograph held by Inspector Megure. Jodie, behind them, looks at the photograph, too. The fourth image, from Episode 325, shows a sunny boy doll meant to keep the rain away. Heiji’s hand reaches for the doll. End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that Shinichi asks Heiji for help.

🔎 The way that Shinichi Kudo, the guy who hides his trauma, who'll skip meals out of anxiety without ever admitting what's really on his mind, who forces smiles so that others won't worry about him, whose refusal to ask for help and rely on others is what created Conan in the first place, confides in Heiji. The way that Dr. Agasa, who has been more of a constant in Shinichi's life than his own parents, calls for Heiji, all the way out in Osaka, to help Shinichi—and more than once (Episodes 189, 277)!

[Image descriptions: Screenshots from Episode 189. With a serious expression on his face, Heiji sits on Conan's hospital bed, holding a bouquet of flowers. He says, "Truth is, I got a call from an old guy named Agasa last night. He wanted to talk to me about you." Conan looks surprised at these words. End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that Agasa feels that Shinichi will not open up to anyone else. The way that, even if Shinichi (so far as I know) never explicitly refers to Heiji as his best friend as Heiji does for him, from how he must talk about Heiji, Agasa believes as much.

🔎 The way that Agasa is right. The way that Shinichi does open up to Heiji, especially in Episode 189, where he asks for advice—where he asks, regardless of his near-constant moralizing and strong sense of justice, what Heiji thinks is right. Where he asks what Heiji would do in his place. 

[Image descriptions: Two screenshots from Episode 189. In the first image, Conan, in his hospital bed with the bouquet of flowers that Heiji brought on the sheets, says, "Hattori, listen." In the second image, the camera pans out to show Heiji standing by his bed as Conan continues, "What would you do? What do you think is right?" End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that, though it looks amusing out of context because Conan's sitting on the toilet, Shinichi repeats the same question to Heiji hundreds of cases later (Episode 491)—"What would you do? If you were in my position?"—and how, in that case, he's looking for Heiji to supply the same answer that he's already decided for himself because he, too, finds comfort in their similarities. The way that Heiji's identical response then—that he'd "just go for it" regardless of the danger—assures Shinichi that he's making the correct choice even if you could argue that he really isn't.

[Image descriptions: Screenshots from Episode 491. Conan sits on the toilet, talking to Heiji on the phone. He says, "What would you do? If you were in my position?" Heiji then answers, “Well, if it were me, I’d just go for it.” But then, with troubled expression on his face, he stammers, “I mean, no, I would...” With a smile, Conan says, “I’d do exactly what you would. I’ll pry as deep as I can into it. Until the curiosity within me dries out.” End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that Heiji is always so ready to help Shinichi, be it the little things like lifting him up or the bigger things like trying to give him peace of mind in regards to Ran (Episode 189). The way that Heiji directly says as much in Episode 278—"If any other suspicious persons show up, just call me! I'll run right over!" The way that, as the story progresses, Shinichi asks for Heiji's help without any prompting from anyone else (Episodes 345, 479). The way that Shinichi trusts that Heiji can help, not even bothering to think up a plan to get away and shrink back into Conan where he can't be seen in Episode 522 because he has complete faith in Heiji to handle it.

🔎 The way that Heiji's immediate response to Shinichi's request that he put his life on the line and disguise himself as Shinichi Kudo is to send an "OK" composed entirely out of heart emojis (Episode 345).

[Image descriptions: Two screenshots. In the first image, from Episode 278, Heiji runs and says, "If any other suspicious persons show up, just call me! I'll run right over!" In the second image, from Episode 345, Conan looks at his phone, which has a message up that's just an "OK" composed out of pink heart emojis, which had been sent to him by Heiji. End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that the 33rd opening sequence, "Miss Mystery," so beautifully and perfectly encapsulates this aspect of Shinichi and Heiji's relationship. Conan readies himself to handle everything on his own, as he feels he must do, only for Heiji to rush in, without any hesitation, and break through the obstacles in Conan's path. And Conan accepts Heiji's help. More than that, he smiles at Heiji's help, because Heiji gives him strength.

[Image descriptions: GIFs from OP 33, set to the song "Miss Mystery" by BREAKERZ. Conan runs only to stop before long, finding a wall of English text blocking his path. The wall includes the words "DNA," "POISON," "LOCKED ROOM," "ALIBI," "BLOOD TYPE," "ANAGRAM," "FINGERPRINTS," and "DYING MESSAGE," among others. Conan takes a step back and prepares to knock away the text, but Heiji arrives running. Conan looks in surprise as Heiji leaps into the wall and clears the path for him, knocking text away with his feet before landing. Heiji then turns to look at Conan behind him, smiling. After a moment of surprise, Conan returns the smile with one of his own. End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that Shinichi is truly so grateful to have Heiji in his life. The way that he's immensely frustrated when Heiji declines working a case with him and hangs up the phone (Episode 117). The way that he can't stop thinking about Heiji when his partner suddenly disappears from an investigation (Episode 174). The way that he doesn't want to carry out a deduction show alone when Heiji should be there (Episode 224). The way that he so earnestly and genuinely thanks Heiji for his help in Movie 13, The Raven Chaser.

[Image descriptions: Six screenshots. In the first image, from Episode 117, Heiji, talking to Conan on the phone, hangs up, saying, "Lemme know if you figure anything out! Good luck!" In the second image, also from Episode 117, Conan angrily throws down his phone, swearing, "Damn!" In the third image, from Episode 174, Conan sweats and thinks to himself, with a worried expression on his face, "What's happened to you, Hattori?" In the fourth image, from Episode 224, Conan sits behind Kogoro, preparing for a deduction show, and looks at his watch. He thinks, "Hattori, where are you? Why aren't you here? What're you doing?" In the fifth and six images, from Movie 13, The Raven Chaser, Conan talks to Heiji on the phone. He smiles kindly as he says, "Thank you, Hattori. For real." End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that they both care so much for one another that they have nigh-supernatural instincts about when the other is in danger. The way that Heiji is so haunted by a bad dream of Shinichi's death—which very nearly comes true—that he lends Conan his good luck charm (which then saves Shinichi's life) (Episode 118). The way that Conan instantly knows something is amiss when Heiji is thrown overboard a cruise ship, despite no one else noticing anything and, considering how deep he was in the ship, how he shouldn't have noticed anything himself (Episode 174).

[Image descriptions: Four screenshots. In the first image, from Episode 118, Heiji says, "I had a bad dream..." In the second image, also from Episode 118, Conan has his hand on his face in thought, while in the background, Heiji imagines Shinichi in pain, clutching a bloody wound on his chest. In the third image, from Episode 174, Conan sweats with a horrified expression on his face. In the fourth image, also from Episode 174, Conan asks Kogoro, "Hey, didn't you hear a strange water noise?" End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that Heiji always sees Shinichi as himself. The way that his aforementioned nightmare involves Shinichi, not Conan, even though it's Conan who's nearly killed (Episode 118). The way that Heiji describes Conan when asking about other investigators of a case (Episode 516) but pictures Shinichi in his mind (pictured way above). The way that he sees Shinichi in the place of Conan and has to rub his eyes to find reality again (OVA 2).

[Image descriptions: Screenshots from OVA 2, “16 Suspects?!” Both wearing coats and scarves, Heiji stands next to Kazuha outside. She smiles, but Heiji looks as though he can’t believe what he’s seeing. It turns out that he’s seeing Kudo, who crouches next to Ran with a serious expression on his face. Heiji thinks, “Kudou!” He then rubs his eyes and sees reality: Conan standing beside Ran with his hands in his jacket pockets. End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that Heiji is arguably the catalyst to a more permanent APTX 4869 antidote, and thus, symbolically, the key to Shinichi's true self. Because of him, Shinichi is able to instruct Ai to drink the baigar/paikal/baijiu to escape from Pisco (Episode 177), which not only saves her life but also allows her to procure the drug data necessary to concoct more antidotes.

🔎 The way that Heiji is right by Shinichi's side practically every time that he's able to be himself. The way that the only movie in which Shinichi makes a genuine, non-flashback, non-Kid-in-disguise appearance, Movie 7, Crossroad in the Ancient Capital, features Conan purposefully making himself sick and taking an antidote for Heiji and Kazuha's sake.

🔎 The way that Conan thinks, "Thank you, Harley!" while holding a bottle of alcohol in FUNimation's English dub (Episode 50).

🔎 The way that they both want the best for each other and support one another. The way that Heiji encourages Shinichi to do the right thing when it comes to Ran (Episodes 189, 524). The way that Heiji celebrates Shinichi's successes (Episode 491). The way that Heiji cheers Shinichi up when the conclusion to a case depresses him to such an extent that everyone worries about his wellbeing (Episode 239). The way that the tension leaves Heiji when he sees a smile on his friend's face again.

[Image descriptions: Six screenshots from Episode 239. In the first image, Conan looks sad, holding his face in his hand. Offscreen, Ran says, “Maybe Conan’s the same [as Shinichi] and he’ll start to hate soccer [because something disappointed him about it].” In the second image, Heiji tries to kick a soccer ball but drops it. In the third image, Conan says, “You’re lousy.” In the fourth image, Conan starts kicking the soccer ball himself, saying, “This is how you do it!” In the fifth image, Heiji smiles in relief. In the sixth image, Conan smiles as he kicks the soccer ball. End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that Shinichi attempts the same lifting of spirits for Heiji when Heiji's found himself angry and irritated for reasons he doesn't understand (Episode 406). The way that Shinichi is sincerely flustered that his pick-me-up effort fails.

[Image descriptions: Two screenshots from Episode 406. In the first image, Conan holds on to Heiji with his hands over Heiji's eyes. Heiji, standing, grips Conan's arms, saying, "Hey! Stop it!" Conan, imitating Kazuha, says, "It's me!" In the second image, Conan sits on the ground and looks up, a surprised expression on his face. He blushes slightly as he thinks to himself, "Hey, Hattori." End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that, when Heiji admits his insecurities (Episode 479), Shinichi assures him that he's in the right without any teasing or sass. The way that, throughout that case, Shinichi is always by Heiji's side, even as Heiji gets insulted left and right. The way that Shinichi never follows Hakuba and openly defends his friend.

[Image descriptions: Screenshots from Episode 479. With a serious expression on his face, Heiji asks, “Hey, Kudo. Am I wrong?” Conan answers with a smile, saying, “No. Not at all.” End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that there's an official illustration that depicts "Conan's Dream Vacation"... which involves Shinichi as himself playing beach volleyball with Heiji, Ran, and Kazuha.

[Image description: An illustration that depicts Conan dreaming about playing beach volleyball with Heiji, Ran, and Kazuha as Shinichi. End image description.]

🔎 The way that the cover art for a movie guidebook promoting Movie 21, The Crimson Love Letter, shows Conan unabashedly enjoying a piggyback ride from Heiji.

[Image description: The cover of a book that depicts Conan on Heiji's back in a piggyback ride as he walks down the street. They both smile broadly and share street food. The text advertises the book's contents, and there are two images of Momiji on the bottom left. End image description.]

🔎 The way that they're so in sync that they come to the same conclusions at the same time even when they're not directly working with each other (Episodes 58, 490).

[Image descriptions: Five screenshots. In the first three images, from Episode 58, Conan and Heiji make a realization at the same time, which is visually represented with a flash of light and their eyes widening. Heiji then thinks, with a smile, "That's it!" Afterwards, Conan thinks, with a smile, "Now I see!" In the fourth image, from Episode 490, a detective, on the phone with Shinichi, says, "He [Shinichi] is telling the exact same deduction as that boy [Heiji] with the exact same timing." In the fifth image, also from Episode 490, Shinichi and Heiji, in different locations, are shown reacting in surprise to this revelation. End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that they Vibe. The way that they finish each other's sentences and speak in unison (Episodes 142, 174). The way that they smile at each other when they've realized the same thing simultaneously or succeeded in their goal (Episodes 293, 327, 522). The way that it's repeatedly stated that they're such good friends (Episodes 191, 325) because they love being together and make that love no secret.

[Image descriptions: Five screenshots. In the first image, from Episode 142, Conan and Heiji sit in a tree and smile at each other, saying, in unison, "The case is hereby closed." In the second image, from Episode 174, it's nighttime, and Conan and Heiji smile broadly at each other as they bring their faces close together and say, in unison, "A fake!" In the third image, from Episode 293, Heiji crouches so that he is eye level with Conan and smiles at him. Conan eagerly smiles back. In the fourth image, from Episode 327, Conan looks up at Heiji and smiles, and Heiji smiles back. In the fifth image, from Episode 522, Shinichi and Heiji sit in a car and smile at one another. End image descriptions.]

🔎 The way that they're both so good for each other—"that Heiji is someone Shinichi can trust and rely on when he’s forced to keep so many secrets, and that Shinichi is someone who respects and values Heiji when he’s so plagued by self-doubt."

[anamatics]

Your opinion on old fandom forums vs, fandom today?

I didn't answer this one last night as I wanted to be able to type out a proper response, and one that's partly adapted from an essay I wrote back in 2016.

As a fandom old, I’ve spent a long time in fandom spaces. I did my time with writing slash and het ships, but I always loved writing stories for me about people like me. I have witnessed first-hand the rise and fall of listservs and live journal as places where people who liked femslash gathered to discuss their favorite shows. I know a lot of fandom history. When I comment on the events in fandom, it still comes from my position as a fan, not as a creative. I want to preface all of these thoughts with this.

Fandom used to be something that you didn't talk about. It was secret, never mentioned in public, zines and stories mailed back and forth across the country. The internet changed that, people's attitudes toward things like queer and trans identity changed that, people's want to see diversity on their screens changed that. Yet, at the same time, there is a whole new generation of young queer creatives emerging onto the writing scene who have grown up witnessing the rise and fall of these great, monolithic fandoms that exist beyond the space of shows themselves. More and more, networks, writers, and producers are paying attention to what the fandom says and to what they react to.

This is why I don't really like fandom these days, because I've seen both sides. I struggled with this working on Carmilla as someone who had been, and in may ways still was, a fan. I know fans have power, I've done things because I know fans have power. And yet, I felt like I'd lost my place in a community - in old fandom - because of this realization. And I myself asking questions about my place in new fandom. Questions that, most of the time, had no answers.

Is it valid to be both grateful for the acknowledgement of fan desires within the creative side of television and web writing and a little horrified by the amount of entitlement that any capitulation by those productions seems to engender within fans? Am I valid in feeling trapped by this feeling of wanting to be the best possible arbiter of representation and knowing that I can never be perfect because the perfection demanded by the queer community isn’t achievable? Does my voice even matter in fandom circles anymore because I’ve “crossed over” to the other side? Am I allowed to continue to speak critically about representation in shows that are not my own because I haven’t “fixed mine yet”?

I struggled with this when Carmilla was airing. I still struggle with it now, too, because I see how trolls on Twitter and Tumblr have reacted to folks like me speaking out about problems we see in our communities or within fandom. People like me aren’t allowed to criticize fandom, or fandom culture, because we’re no longer seen as truly a part of it: by being creators who can’t always live up to fandom’s sometimes unreasonable standards, we’re now considered just part of the problem. We can’t critique behaviors and call things out within this fandom community that should also represent us because when we do we’re hurting the fandom community.

Every queer creative out there has shouldered some of this hurt, I know I have. I stand by what I’ve said despite the backlash. If you cannot believe in the truth you speak, what good are you to a community looking to you for change?

Those who speak to the internal problems of fandom culture are shouted down. People with years of fandom experience, who are far more knowledgeable of the history of fandom (and especially the femslash corners of it) and presence in media than the present-day narrative setters, are shouted down and told that we are part of the problem. Creatives who speak out and criticize other works are treated equally poorly. The problem is that in refusing to look at the problems within our fandom spaces, and saying that everyone outside the group is to blame for the problems of poor representation, we are sticking our fingers in our ears and refusing to look at what’s wrong with us. We eat our own.

The queer community – and by extension the queer fandom community – functions like an ouroboros as far as I can tell. That’s the snake from Norse mythology that eats its tail, representing infinity but also representing the inevitable crush of our own bullshit as it comes down around us with the hopes of becoming a better community. There should be a place within this community for everyone, and yet it’s this same space that is preoccupied with gatekeeping characterized by constant infighting, identity policing, and silencing or invalidating opinions that don’t perfectly align with this vision of what is considered acceptable in the eyes of the thinking of the day.

Queerness is messy. There’s a lot of nuance to it. And there will always be people who want their own community within that umbrella of queerness. That’s a valid want. You want to be around people who are homogenous, because it’s when variety is introduced that feelings get hurt. But the existence of a community for marginalized people should not come at the detriment and degradation of other vulnerable people, nor should it come at the expanse of dismissing intersectionality within our community.

But instead, we eat our own. We dismiss trans headcanons like people in old fandom used to dismiss queer headcanons. We're doing the same bullshit, just rinsed and repeated, directed at a new set of people whose voices are smaller than the small specks of power new fandom has granted (cis, white) queer people.

We fight ourselves amongst because we feel as though we cannot fight the forces of our own oppression. We censor ourselves to make sure that we don’t say anything to upend the proverbial apple cart. We do this not because we’re afraid of the problematic elements outside of the community that could come into our community, but rather because we’re afraid of those within our own community who have the power to kick us out from under our own umbrella and back into the rain.

So when I think about fandom these days, I imagine this moment of losing community. I imagine the hurtful message sent, the dismissive post on the forum, the hateful tweet, actions that cost nothing when they are directed at creators, fan writers, fan artists. These people exist to create content that is to be consumed. They aren't human. They aren't even real. They're just the producers of content that fandom sucks up like a vacuum cleaner without bothering to engage with the creators except to demand more or demand better. Nothing makes you feel alienated from your community like realizing you only exist to produce for it and when you don't produce to standards, you are attacked.

What's worse is that a lot of folks in fandom don't even think about this these days. There's no risk in blasting off a message or a tweet. But social media is an echo chamber. It’s a hive mind, and it’s a place where people can get hurt, very badly, and very quickly. Social media should not be used as a weapon to badger the people trying to get into positions where they can create change, which is what I feel new fandom has done. But at the same time, new fandom has also become a space where voices can be uplifted, where people can be seen and heard who maybe weren't before.

So TL;DR, I think social media ruined fandom, I have a lot of baggage/trauma from working on a show as fandom was transitioning from old fandom to new fandom, and like... we have to be better to each other.

[cappsikle]

It’ll be ok // fred weasley

Pairing: fred weasley x reader

Summary: the world just seems a little too heavy, but luckily, you have him by your side.

Warnings: it gets just a tad heavy mental health wise / not all of it is proofread so please forgive that

Word Count: 2.6k 

A/N: Hey guys!! Sooo this is my first ever fic on tumblr! I would just like to dedicate this piece to @ickle-ronniekins as it was her and a bunch of talented writers that inspired me to get back to writing, and I wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t for them!

Also if you like this fic please reblog! It would mean a lot if you did!

This fic is just a huge projection from my own feelings, quarintine has got me in my feels, and I’m sure everyone could do with some Freddie comfort. Enjoy!! <3

-----

There you were, hunched over various textbooks and pieces of parchment that seemed to cover the whole table. Fred looked up at the clock on the wall above the fireplace and then back down to you. Something in his eyes changed as he walked over to the table, quickly bidding goodnight to George and Lee as they headed up to the dorms.  

Fred sat in the chair next to yours and he couldn’t help to just take a minute to admire you. But from glancing at you now, Fred knew that something wasn’t right. From your usually very well-kept hair that now looked as though you ran your fingers through it at least a hundred times throughout the night to your joyless and sunken eyes, eyes that used to hold all the joy and spark Fred loved most about you, but are now just dull and almost... lifeless.

For a while now, Fred had noticed small changes in the way you’ve been acting recently, and it wasn’t even just him, all your other friends had taken notice as well, but no one knew what to do. It wasn’t until this very moment as he watched you tire yourself out with work that he realised just how much had changed, and he felt a pang of guilt for not talking to you about it sooner. So, in the softest voice he could muster, Fred tried to coax you from your work whilst placing a gentle hand on your arm. “Hey, love. ‘S getting a bit late, reckon we should head up to bed?”  

Your head snapped up at Fred as he spoke, only now taking notice of his presence, but you then quickly looked back down to continue scribbling mercilessly on the parchment. You needed to get this essay done before tomorrow, otherwise, you’ll slowly but surely fall behind on everything else. You can’t let that happen,  

“I’m sorry Fred, I really can’t. I have to finish this stupid essay for potions”  

“For potions? Isn’t that due next week?” You looked back up at Fred, your eyes widening as you became more distressed.  

“I-I know but if I get this done now then I can use my time to focus on other assignments. I’ve fallen behind and I need to catch up.” Fred slowly nodded his head in understanding. It seemed like a good enough excuse, hell, he’s been in this exact position before, pulling his fair share of all-nighters for assignments due the next day, but when Fred looked deep into your eyes, there was something there that he couldn’t quite place. Desperation? He wasn’t sure. 

“Look, love, you’re wearing yourself thin. You need a break”  

You don’t know why, but suddenly you’re very irritated. It’s possibly due to how much sleep you’re getting, well, more like lack of sleep. You don’t know why, but suddenly you’re snapping at him “Fred, I don’t need a break so can you just please leave me alone?” 

You don’t want to look at him, for the fear of seeing a look of hurt or the resentment that’s bound to be there you’re not sure you can take that sort of thing, so you lower your head and quickly wriggle your arm free from under his hand.  

Fred tried not to feel offended, he really tried, but you removing your arm from his touch just nicked him in his chest. He knew you didn’t have a problem with him, he knew this was something that seemed too out of his control, but he just wished he knew what to do to make you feel better. Maybe giving you some space should help.   

“Okay... I’ll head to bed then. Try not to stay up too late, yeah? I’ll see you in the morning. Goodnight” Fred placed a quick and gentle kiss to the crown of your head as he stood up and walked towards the stairs. Before ascending, he looked back towards you still slumped in your chair, and an unsettling feeling crawled its way into his stomach. With one final look, he walked up the stairs towards his room.  

Once Fred left, you chucked down your quill in frustration and rapidly ran your hands through your hair, pulling at the roots in distress. You hated this. You hated how you get annoyed at things that shouldn’t annoy you, you hated how it was impossible to get a good night’s rest, you hated how your mind just wouldn’t. Shut. Up. And what’s worst of all, you loathed how you keep pushing the one person who seems to give a crap about you. It’s not like there’s a lot of people who do.  

A sharp pain nestled in your chest, but you tried to ignore it, you always did. You weren’t even sure what it meant. Anxiety? Guilt? It was probably a mixture of both. You didn’t know how, or when, you allowed it to get so bad. With Umbridge slowly taking over the school alongside her vile punishments (you’ve had your fair share of them), the upcoming N.E.W.Ts that you needed to ace and the stress of keeping up with the DA meetings. But that doesn’t even seem like the half of it. Every little inconvenience had the power to ruin the rest of your day.  

You couldn’t deal with it anymore, with any of it. You just wished there was a way to make the world slow down to grab your bearings, to just actually breathe. You released a big sigh and grabbed your quill again, but the tip doesn’t even touch the paper. It’s stuck, just like you. Eventually, you fold your arms on the table and rest your head on them. You know you must finish but maybe... just five minutes won’t hurt. Just five minutes.   

---  

Fred lay awake on his bed, staring up at the ceiling for merlin knows how long. That weird feeling in his stomach didn’t go away, something just felt extremely off. Fred checked the watch located on the table beside his bed. It was pretty late; he’d been awake for at least a couple hours. Knowing that he wasn’t going to be getting any sleep anytime soon, Fred threw the covers from his body and gently got out of bed, careful to not wake any of his sleeping roommates.  

By the time he made it down to the bottom of the stairs, he was already wishing to be back in bed, however, what he saw made him stop in his tracks. You were still there, this time unmoving with your head resting on your arms and your deep and even breathing. Why were you still here and not in bed? As carefully as he could, Fred walked over to your sleeping self and gently laid a hand on your shoulder squeezing just enough to rouse you.  

After a few more gentle squeezes you started to stir awake. Fred almost felt bad for waking you, but he knew that you would have a much better time sleeping in an actual bed than a desk. You lifted your head and Fred couldn’t help to admire the sheer adorableness of your sleepy form. Your hair was dishevelled and sticking up in a few places, your cheek was red from where it was resting and the tiny noises that came from you whilst you stretched. However, as much as he’d love to stare, he knew he had to take care of you, or at least get you to bed.  

Once you had done stretching, you looked around the table until your eyes landed on an arm, which trailed all the way to Fred’s face. You were taken aback at suddenly seeing his face next to yours, but you quickly calmed down upon looking into his soft eyes, the glow of the fire making his brown orbs look more alive and opening.  

“Hey,” Fred said, a small smirk appearing at the corner of his lips.  

“Hi,” you smile back. For a moment, when you looked into his eyes, you felt warm, like you were safe, you always did. You loved Fred, you loved him so much but often at times you caught yourself doubting whether or not you deserved to be with him, and each and every time Fred did his absolute best to prove your thoughts wrong. Looking into his eyes, you just get that feeling... the feeling of coming home to a warm bed after a cold day. Sometimes, you feel as if your heart might explode from the amount of love you have for him, you couldn’t even out into words. But that warm and safe feeling was quickly diminished and replaced with dread once you looked down to the mess that was sitting on the table. Darn this stupid assignment.

“Crap, I can’t believe I fell asleep!” you groan as you shuffled through some of the parchment, trying to find the one you needed.

“Hey, hey, hey, slow down there” Fred placed his hand on top of yours, trying to stop your erratic movements. “Don’t you think it’s time to take a bit of a break? It’s nearly two a.m.”

“Fred, I can’t just ‘take a break’, I’ve got too much to do,”

“And it’ll all still be here after you’ve had some sleep,”

You released a groan in frustration and turned to face him, your irritation getting the better of you. “Don’t you get it? That’s the problem!” your voice started to rise with each word, the stress and lack of sleep catching up to you. “If I stop now then I’ll fall behind and I just can’t let that happen, ok? So just back off.”

“Hey,” Fred grabbed your cheeks in both his hands and guided your face, so you were looking at him. Seeing your widened eyes and reddened cheeks concerned him, as this was just so unlike you. What happened to this happy-go-lucky and incredibly bubbly person go? The person who had the purest soul than anyone he knew? You just looked... tired. He knew he had to tread carefully here if we wanted to crack all your walls to understand what the hell is going on.

You moved your hands up to try and remove his from his face, but his grip tightened ever so slightly to make your attempts futile. “Look, I’m worried about you. All this,” he tilted his head to the side to gesture to everything on the table. “it isn’t like you. Please don’t hide away, because you know I’m here for you.”

You both stayed silent for a minute, his hands holding your cheeks and yours resting on his forearms. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, you just crumbled. Your face scrunched up and your breathing became erratic as you looked down to hide your face from Fred’s gaze. You leaned forward so your head was resting against his chest, letting out a few silent sobs as you just... broke. At the sight of your crying figure, Fred immediately jumped into action. He removed his hands from your face and wrapped his arms around your waist, carrying you over so you sat in his lap. One of his hands trailed up to stroke your head as his other maneuvered your legs so they wrapped around his torso, your head pushing further into his shoulder.

You reached up and wrapped your arms around his neck, trying to get as close to him as possible. You just needed the warmth that constantly surrounded him. After a few minutes of tears and whisperings of sweet nothings into your ear along with Fred’s comforting touch, your breathing started to return to normal, and your sobs turned into the occasional hiccup. You weren’t really expecting to have a total breakdown, you honestly thought that you had things under control, but when you looked and Fred and he looked at you, you knew you couldn’t keep everything bottled up anymore.

Fred was the first to break the silence, “d’you wanna move to the couch? It'll be comfier”. The only response he got was a small nod of your head, you not really being able to trust your voice enough to speak. So, Fred stood up with you still wrapped in his arms as he carried you over to the couch in front of the fire, grabbing the spare blanket and wrapping it around you and himself. It was like a nice little cocoon of comfort and warmth.  

And for a while, you two stayed like that, basking in the silence and the warmth the fire provided. You knew you needed to say something, you just didn’t know what exactly you could say. Fred was in the same boat. Should he make a joke to try and make you feel better? That always did the trick. But... something about tonight just told him to leave it on the backburner for now. He slid his arm underneath the blanket and stroked up and down the expanse of your back, hoping to relax your tense muscles. Occasionally Fred would turn his head to place delicate kisses on your forehead, cheeks, nose... basically anywhere his lips could find.

God... what did you do to desrve someone like him? Someone so boisterous and loud, but also understanding and gentle when he needed to be. As the minutes ticked by, and Fred’s hands continuously moving across your body, you finally found the courage to speak up.

“Sometimes I just feel like...” you trailed off, trying to find the right words.  

“like?”  

“like nothing is going to be ok. Like no matter how hard I try, or pretend, I’m not going to be ok,” your voice caught in your throat as you buried your head into his shoulder, a weak attempt to shield yourself from the world threatening to beat you down. A silent tear trailed down the side of your face, but you hadn’t made any attempt to wipe it away.

Fred sighed through his nose, and he swore a piece of his heart cracked when your voice did. He knew you were struggling with something, but he was just never sure of what or how bad it was. He only wished he could just take all your pain away, even force it upon himself if it meant that you’d get the chance to be happy.  

“Oh love, I had no idea. I’m so sorry”  

“It’s okay...” you half-shrug your shoulder, removing one of your arms from around his neck to quickly wipe the corner of your eye “no one really knew, so it’s fine”  

There was a moment of silence as the both of you tried to catch up with your thoughts, until Fred finally spoke up, a strain in his voice, “no, it’s not fine. I hate that you’re feeling like this. Please, is there anything I can do to help you?”  

You shrug your shoulder again. To be completely honest, you weren’t even sure if there was anything he could do. You've barely even figured out what you can do for yourself. However, there was one thing you knew you needed, the one thing that could help you through anything. “Just be here, and hold me?”  

Fred placed his lips to your forehead, leaving them there for a bit as he gave a gentle kiss. He breathed deeply through his nose and spoke the words against your forehead. “for you, my love, anything.”  

With those final words and his fingers slowly tracing up and down your arm, you felt for the first time, that maybe, just maybe, things might turn out ok.  

-----

whew and there we go!!! My first fic completed!! I honestly have no self control when it comes to word limits, my teachers hate me for that... oopsies! anyways I hope you all enjoyed that, if you guys liked my work feel free to send in any requests! 

Reblogs and comments are greatly appreciated!!

- Mills

[bybdolan]

i can't find your ramblings on swifties, but I'd love to read it if you want to elaborate here, or screen shot it? i feel like it's been building since the yntcd mv to miss americana doc period of time. the disappointment of her aligning herself as lgbt in the mv, the song comparing her haters to suffering homophobia, the lack of blm effort after her apparent political awakening... that development was when i started to notice it on tumblr, at least

The word "ramble" was maybe a bit overstated, given that it was more or less just me pointing out that it's a thing that happens, but I am very glad you are asking me this because I have a lot of thoughts! If nobody else will write an essay on this, it might as well be me.

I think the groundwork for the fandom crumbling was already laid in rep era – not because of anything Taylor did, but because of the fandom: Every small criticism of Taylor was called "hate" and I think the idea of "good" vs "bad" fan really developed during that time. And the protectiveness makes sense after everything that happened during 2016 and it only increased after Taylor went more in-depth on her mental health struggles during Lover promo, but it also created a big divide in the fandom and made it a fairly hostile place.

Speaking of Lover: I agree with you that that was the era where a lot of people fell out of love with her a bit. From the lead single to whatever YNTCD was, to her "political awakening" shtick: There were a lot of things going on in that era that people found questionable, and this lack of general hype for the album led to even more fandom fights (I will keep bringing up the fandom because I think it's an extension of the artist and very connected to how we view them). I think what you said about the political aspects of that era is 100% accurate – it's ironic that fans critizised her more for little political action after Miss Americana than most of them did when she wasn't political at all, but it also makes sense: if you make being politically outspoken a huge part of your marketing and therefore profit off of it and then don't do much in that regard, people are going to call bullshit. To be fair to her: She didn't do nothing and a celebrity of her caliber has to rethink every move in that regard, but I think the frustration is justified, ESPECIALLY when Taylor is quick to tweet about problems concerning herself (see: that Ginny and Georgia tweet, which I don't want to talk about much because it makes me sigh – but as a side note: The fandom can be vicious and racist and homophobic and I think Taylor not commenting on that has upset people). And what I said about celebrities rethinking every move gets a bit sour to me when remembering that she is in a movie with that O'Russell guy. Very defensive fans have a point when they say that people expect a lot from Taylor, and obviously she can't be perfect, but Taylor did feed into those expectations when making a documentary about not feeling muzzled anymore etc. (There goes the loudest woman this town has ever seen.) A rich white lady shouldn't necessarily be looked at for political guidance, however, she has power and her using her voice has proven to be very effective, and I think fans are disappointed she doesn't use it more often (+ for causes not benefiting herself).

Which brings us to her "capitalist girlboss agenda" that some people take issue with and that I already touched on: Taylor is very proud of her marketing strategies and knowing how to make money. She loves being a businesswoman, and it is admirable that she has been so active in her own management since she was very young, but it's something that clashes with her authenticity and accessibility a lot of fans cherish. I think we all know why she cut out her fan interactions and I personally think it is for the better, however, the tactics that took the place of those interactions are a bit "uuuh" to many. I think this is also where the generation gap of the fandom comes in: Taylor has fans her age that grew up with her, but she also has very young fans and the marketing strategies aimed at the latter don't necessarily go over well with the former. But this just as a side note. I think the introduction of Easter Eggs is a noteworthy moment in fandom history given how big of a part they now play in interacting with Taylor. And it's a fun idea, but there is the issue of the fandom taking it very far and Easter Eggs not leading to anything (1989 TV says hi). It's frustrating to many to not know when a single or an album will be released, and it is tiring to not be able to view anything she posts normally because most likely, it's a hint to something, or at least fans will act like it is. Fans are always used to drive up sales and engagement, as are personal instagram posts, but it is jarring to see it become so overt. I do genuinely believe the Easter Eggs were supposed to be fun for the fans at first, as are the vault thingies, but with the level of marketing and self-mythologization attached to it, it feels cold and sterile. Add that to the insanely high prices for boring merch and debacles like the "digitally signed" CD and you have yourself a recipe for fan disappointment. Taylor has branded herself as her fans' best friend for long, and because she is quirky and weird and often not too polished it worked – but it's not what she wants anymore, and she deserves nothing more than her privacy, but a fan used to genuine engagement with her is going to be taken aback by the new marketing strategies. There ARE ways to be private while still feeling personal in your branding (see Lorde's emails) but Taylor's team didn't want to go down that route apparently.

With all that being said: Taylor's happiness and her being content with her life is more important than whatever I get out of her and her music, and she remains one of the greatest songwriters of our generation – nobody can take that away. And I am sure that many fans will roll their eyes at this post because they still love her like they did when they first discovered her, and I am very happy for them and happy that Taylor has fans that loyal, but this post serves as an attempt to analyse shifts in the fandom that I have noticed over the past few years. I also think it's worth noting that once you start focusing on the negative aspects of something those negative things start jumping out to you, and it's important to maybe step back and focus on the good aspects once in a while – a lot of which I didn't mention because this is not what this post is about. But they are there, and I think the love for Taylor's music can easily sustain even when interest in her as a person fades.

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Hello! I hope it’s ok to ask, but I’m looking for some advice and I’ve seen some really good advice on here before.......So, a little bit about me, I’ve identified as ace for like 5 years now and I’m kinda trying out identifying as aro cos that makes sense too. I’m at the point where I’m 87% sure I’m gonna apply to do a masters degree in gender and sexuality studies, wherein my proposed research will be about representations of asexuality, which I’m actually pretty excited about. The only thing is, well a few things actually...

1) I’m out to like 3 people, none of whom are my parents who I still live at home with. I don’t really see the point in coming out as an aroace who really hopes to be in a romantic and sexual relationship in the future should I magically find someone I like enough to actually consider a relationship with, it’ll either happen or it won’t. I kinda wanna come out just to get it done with, but it doesn’t change anything from my parents point of view, either I’m ‘straight’ waiting for a relationship, or I’m aroace waiting for a relationship...it makes no difference, other than opening myself up for awkward, potentially aphobic and probably homophobic questions which I wanna avoid. But equally I don’t wanna hide and do my research in secret and silence. I’d be studying from home so I’d still be seeing everyone I’m not out to (colleagues, friends, family etc) who will understandably be interested that I’m getting a masters and will want to know more, but I just don’t know how to balance being as truthful as possible about what I’m studying because it means a lot to me whilst not forcing myself to come out...if anyone has any advice I’d be extremely grateful cos it’s kinda the biggest thing stopping me from wanting to apply right now...

Also 2) I’ve done a ton of research already about asexuality, the wider queer community etc in preparation for applying (I have like 30k+ words of notes already) but there were several months last year that I gave up on research completely, almost entirely because I got fed up of practically everything I read invalidating my asexuality, with asexuality always being discussed/defined as not wanting sex, not desiring sex, asexual=nonsexual etc. It’s this kinda thing what took me so long to ID as ace in the first place cos I’ve always been a pretty sexual person, albeit just on my own, and having a desire for hypothetical future sex made me feel not ace enough to actually identify as ace despite never feeling sexually attracted to anyone, and feeling really confused about what sexual attraction actually was 🤣 whilst I’m pretty secure in my ace identity these days, the constant invalidation I’m getting from doing all this reading does really get to me and I don’t know what to do to stop making it get to me? I know there’s no right or wrong was to be aspec, not wanting/desiring/having sex is just as ace as having sex, but when asexuals having sex is never an option in what I’m reading it just makes me wanna give up and crawl back into bed cos it reminds me of the depressing days when I didn’t think I was ace enough and therefore I was just...wrong. Any strategies to work through the constant invalidation without giving up would also be appreciated!

This turned into an entire essay (I’m sorry, I just really like writing essays, god I hope it makes sense though) but I just wanna say thank you for everything you do! So many of us have absolutely no where to turn to talk about being aspec, and this is such a valuable resource because of it, so thank you soooo much 💜

For coming out or not, I think this is definitely something that's a personal choice. And I don't think there's a wrong choice unless it feels wrong to you. Both definitely have pros and cons, I don't think there's any option that doesn't have a downside unfortunately. One question that may help is how big an advantage do you think it would be to be out and be able to publicly draw from your own experiences? If not much, or if you think it may be a disadvantage, it may not be worth it, but if it really helps your work it may be worth dealing with the downsides more. Remember to put yourself and your mental health first though.

Two things to remember I think two is 1. You can come out at any time so it's not a choice you have to make now if you don't want to. (Though it may be easier to come out earlier and be done with it, but it's a personal choice). and 2. You don't have to be out to everyone or do a big coming out. If it's useful to be out for your degree/research that doesn't necessarily mean you have to tell your family/friends for example.

Though whatever you decide, I would definitely recommend trying to grow your support group a bit. Especially try and find other ace and aro people you can talk to about things and vent to who will get it. And this can be as simple as finding one or two good online communities, you can also look into ace/aro in person meetups and see if you can connect to people a bit that way too.

This will help both with any aphobic/homophobic stuff you have to deal with if you decide to come out, but will also help a lot with the constant invalidation you're likely to keep running into in academic spheres.

Following ace/aro people on social media or ace/aro blogs and following positivity blogs can help too.

Basically you want to counteract the invalidation you're going to be dealing with, and the more you can drown it out with proper validation, the easier that's going to be.

Watch out for other stressors, dealing with invalidation/aphobia on a regular basis is stressful, and the less stress you have otherwise, the easier it will be to deal with that stress. (Obviously cutting out stress is not easy, and if it was it wouldn't be an issue, but definitely it's good to be aware of this.) And put your own mental health first, always. It's great to work in ace research, and you'll likely do a lot of good, but it shouldn't be at the expense of yourself.

This is just kind of an aside but I'm honestly surprised to see academia is still defining asexuality around how sexual they are, I'd think they'd at least be using the lack of sexual attraction model. It's definitely disappointing. :/

(Also I hope you don't mind this is public, but because you asked for everyone's advice I assume it's OK. Tumblr doesn't seem to allow answering asks privately anymore, but I'll happily take this down if you want me to.)

All the best and I wish you the best of luck!

Also going to put this out to followers if anyone has any advice, or if anyone deals with anything similar and wants to talk about it/share their own opinions, please do!

[illfoandillfie]

Easy As A-B-C

Pairing: Professor!Gwilym Lee x Reader

Summery:  Professor Lee is getting sick of marking papers, you offer an alternative. One where he doesn't need to think at all.

Warnings: SMUT (18+), unprotected sex, bimbofication (without hypnosis), oral sex (m and f receiving), hand job, light dom/sub dynamic, dom!reader, sub!Gwil, overstimulation, maybe a little bit of hair pulling

Words: 4,537

A/N: This was massively massively inspired by my love @dracoladon​ and her Drarry fic Lucid (seriously, go read it because she’s a much better writer than me and also sex dumb Draco is hhhhhhh). Reading it made me want to write more himbo fics but without all the hypnosis stuff thats in my Future Management series. Then I got talking to @peachydeacon​ about himbo!Rog which led to talking about himbo!Gwil and this fic is the result of our discussion lmao. It was also partly inspired by a post on a porn blog that popped up on my dash but I can’t link to that because tumblrs dumb. 

Also, it is a professor gwil fic but set after reader has graduated so it’s all above board lmao

Blurb Advent: Day 24

Taglist:  @vee-ndetta @atomic-watermelon @kellypenac @labessieisallama​ @deakyclicks​ @jennyggggrrr​ @drowseoftaylor​ @hannafuckingsucks​ @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming​ @queenmylovely​ @ilovequeenmorethanyou​ @johndeaconshands​ @borhapbois​ @stardust-galaxies​ @cherries-n-rocknroll​ @rogersslave​ @scorpiogemini 

Gwilym looked unreasonably hot while he was grading papers, his brow knitted, wearing a look of serious concentration made all the more noticeable by the reading glasses sliding down his nose. His loose tie and the undone top buttons of his business shirt lent him a casually dishevelled air, and that wasn’t even mentioning the way he absentmindedly twisted his pen between his fingers as he read and reread sentences he was struggling to understand, occasionally pausing to underline something or write a note in the margins. It all painted a very sexy image, the kind of serious sexy only a professor could achieve, though this sexiness was nowhere near new. You’d found his manner oddly arousing even when he’d been your professor. Of course, that had been a few years ago and well before you’d had your chance encounter in the local second hand bookstore that led you to ask him out. He’d stuttered out something about never having even thought of you as more than his student and “really I feel almost as if I’ll get in trouble for the conversation as soon as I get back to campus.” But the awkwardness soon changed when you confessed to having had a minor crush on him back in the day and having since hoped to run into him. He seemed more open to the idea of dinner with you after that and, if you were being honest, more cocky too, but cocky in a decidedly dignified and charming way. Anyway, one thing led to another and now here you were somewhere close to a year and half later and you were struggling not to stare at Gwil as he graded papers and looked professor-ally disarrayed and hot.

You knew it was something to do with the Romantic era poets that the students had to write about because he’d read a question out to you earlier to get your opinion of if it was confusingly worded. “No, I don’t think so,” “Then why in god’s name do none of my students get it?” he looked about ready to hit his head against the desk until he passed out but he returned to the topmost paper with a sigh and ruffled hair from where he’d run his hand through it. That’s when you’d started trying not to stare. A tall order when all you could think about was dragging Gwil to the bedroom and ravishing him enough to make him forget all about John Keats and poetry and the English language itself. Not that that was exactly hard. No, Gwilym had a tendency to get a little dazed and confused when you really gave it to him. Sex drunk you’d decided to call it. A transformation that you quite delighted in witnessing and causing. Gwil was sharp as a tack usually, always ready with some obscure fact or quote from literature. It was part of what made him such a good teacher, his memory for all things bookish, as well as his approachable (if a little stern) demeanour and his determination to get the best from his students. But it wasn’t hard to shut down his brain, cloud his memory and entirely befuddle him. One time you’d snuck into the bathroom at the restaurant you’d gone to for dinner and poor Gwilym had become so spaced out he’d spilt half a glass of wine in his lap and then walked into the glass door as you left, even with you leading him by the hand. You supposed that what they said about great power and responsibility was true. All the same, it was a fun power to wield and you knew that, with the right sort of attention, you could have Gwilym babbling incomprehensible gibberish with no memory of what a poem even was, which was surely something he’d appreciate right about now.

You blinked yourself from your reverie as, finally, Gwil set his glasses aside and rose from his seat, groaning as he stretched out the stiffness in his back. He rolled his neck back and forth, your eyes following, before letting his shoulders drop and moving to sit next to you on the couch. “I can’t do it anymore, I can’t read another word about Byron or I’ll loose it.” He sighed, draping an arm around your shoulders and leaning into your neck. “Byron? I remember that assignment. Everyone hated you for it,” His breath was warm against your skin as he spoke, sending a tingle down your spine, “Well if this year’s lot is anything to go by, the feeling was probably mutual,” “Mmm, I remember one girl saying she was going to shove her copy of Don Juan up your arse if she didn’t pass,” He lifted his head again and laughed, “And yet my rectum remains Byron fee and no other injuries befell me, so either I taught you enough to get by or you were all a bunch of cowards,” “Bit of both probably. And why would this year’s be any different, huh?” “I don’t know, you haven’t read any of their attempts at cohesive analysis. Some of them are just throwing out terms like allusion and anapestic and personification all willy-nilly, clearly without properly understanding them. ” “I think you’re being too harsh on them. They’re first years after all and it’s not always easy to understand all that poncy poetical bullshit. Plus, you know it all already so of course everyone else seems stupid to you,” “Maybe,” he conceded, though it seemed to take some effort. “Honestly, someone should put you in their position, see how well you go with it,” “Yeah? And who would do something like that?” Gwilym laughed as you shifted to straddle his lap, accepting the kiss you offered, “You?” “Maybe I will. Spell personification for me,” “You know it’s not high school English, right. We don’t do pop quizzes on spelling and grammar.” “I know you don’t, but this is my subject and I’m testing spelling. Besides,” you let your hand drop between you, brushing lightly over the front of his pants, “I promise it’ll be fun.” Gwil gave a half-hearted eye roll, “P-E-R-S-O-N-I-F-I-C-A-T-I-O-N, personification. D’you want me to use it in a sentence too?” You knew he’d get it right. Gwil always had been good at spelling off the top of his head which you supposed was a side effect of all his reading and the years devoted to the written word. But it was still a little annoying. Mostly because he was being a bit of a tool about the whole thing, but it didn’t help that you’d grown quite wet thinking about how you’d like to have him, like to turn him into the fucked out airhead you’d seen before. You shook your head and tutted at him as if he got it wrong. “No, that’s definitely it. I’ve just read it about a hundred times, I know I’m right. P-E-R-S-O-N-I-F-I-C-A-T-I-O-N,” he spelt it faster that time, trying to prove that you were wrong. “Try allusion for me,” “A-L-L-U-S-I-O-N,” Right again. You sighed as if you were disappointed. Gwilym raised his eyebrows but said nothing. “What about caesura?” “C-E-A-S-U-R-A,” The mistake was an easy one to make, two letters flipped around the wrong way, and you could tell he knew it was wrong as soon as he’d said it. He was surprised when you leant forward to kiss him again, cupping his jaw with one hand as you dropped the other and slowly pulled down the zip on his work pants. “But I fucked up,” he said softly, eyes still closed as you pulled away a few centimetres. You just smiled as you thought of a new word, “Anapestic,” It was another word Gwil had mentioned as seeing in his student’s essays so you knew it would be fresh in his mind and he proved as much when he spelt it, “A-N-A-P-E-S-T-I-C,” He was right of course, so you tutted and pulled your hand away from his crotch, grabbing his chin with your other and forcing him to look at you, “You can do better than that.” His features shifted at the sudden loss of contact, the look of concentration returned once more. If anything, your much closer proximity to the expression made him seem all the more hot but you resisted the urge to give in and drag him to the bedroom, curious if he’d catch onto your little game now and, equally so, to see if he’d play along, “Try Onomatopoeia.” A longer word gave him more chances to get things wrong but would his pride and his brain allow that? Apparently so. “O-N-O-M-” Gwil paused and thought for a second, his eyes narrowed as his looked at you, “O-N-O-M-A-T-O-P-I-A,” the last three letters were said with such deliberate diction that you knew he’d figured it out. “Good boy,” you said, letting your hands slip inside his undone pants to massage his dick. His hips jolted at the contact and he let his hands fall to your arse, squeezing. “What about, dactyl?” His reply was instant, unthinking, and totally correct, “D-A-C-T-Y-L,” You clicked your tongue condescendingly as you once again removed your hands from him. “Fuck,” “Well that’s what happens when you get things wrong, honey, and such an easy one too,” “I didn’t get it wro- fine, give me another,” You smiled, unable to hide how delighted you were that he was interested in following your rules, even if it was just his competitive streak rearing its head to show that he could out smart you, “Assonance,” Gwilym spelt the word slowly and carefully, making sure to only say one ‘s’ and to leave off the ‘e’. And you made sure to reward him for it, shuffling backwards on his lap so you could shimmy his pants down his thighs and wrap your hand around his cock. He raised an eyebrow at you but otherwise made no comment as he leant back in his seat to enjoy the attention. “Romanticism,” Once again Gwilym was careful with his spelling, intentionally replacing the ‘c’ with a double ‘s’ but that was the kind of behaviour you wanted to encourage so you kept stroking him off, twisting your wrist, dragging your thumb over his flushed tip. It must have felt good with the way he was sighing, shifting his shoulders as if to move his whole body closer to yours. “So clever baby, what about,” you paused, dredging up memories of poetry analysis and the words you used to have burned into your brain but which you’d not had much use for recently, “Enjambment” “Ummm, E-N,” Gwil hummed as you leant over him and let a trail of spit drip onto his cock, using your hand to spread it over his length, “Enjamb-ment, uh, E-N-J-A- no E, no A, M-E-N-T,” You leant into his ear and spoke softly, “That’s right, being so good for me, so clever. What should I do next though? Ride you? Or maybe suck you off? Or just keep doing this?” “Uh,” Gwilym shook his head a little as if to clear it, “mouth? Please?” “Of course, baby. If you can spell dissonance for me.” You were quietly confident that he’d get the spelling wrong, already noticing the first sign of his impending brainlessness, extra filler words where he’d normally not need them. It was funny though, usually he wouldn’t reach that stage until he was much closer to nutting. “D-I-S” he rushed through the first three letters and then stopped, biting his lip, “T-um, A-N-E-N-C-E.” You were sure the errors in that word were less intentional than the previous few and, as promised, slipped off his lap and settled yourself between his legs, pulling his pants off so he could spread them wider for you. You held eye contact as you let your tongue trail along the underside of his cock, tracing along a vein, though you couldn’t help but smile as he groaned above you. “Can you spell Decasyllable for me?” you asked before closing your lips around the head of his cock. “What? Oh, um, D-E-C-K- fuck,” he broke off as you swirled your tongue around his tip. “Fuck’s not a letter, baby,” you sank down on him again, bobbing a little lower. “I know, um, Deck-syllable, D-E-C-K-A-S-Y-B-L-E, I think. Is that right?” In answer you hummed and took him a little deeper, pushing his shirt up towards his chest. Gwilym took the hint and pulled it off before he grabbed your hair, leaning his head against the back of the couch. For a moment you just focused on sucking him off, listening to his shallow breathing and whiny groans. But you weren’t finished with your game yet.

“Epigraph?” you asked before bobbing down on him again, pushing yourself to take him deeper still. Gwilym remained silent as you gagged and pulled back from him again to breath freely. “Well?” “What did you say?” “Epigraph. Can you spell that?” He nodded as you resumed your bobbing, his hand grabbing at your hair, “E-P-P-E-G-R-A-F-F.” You hummed around him and his hips bucked up, pushing him further down your throat for a second. “No, don’t stop,” he whined under his breath as once again you let him fall from between your lips. “Sorry baby,” you wrapped your hand around his base and switched back to jerking him off, “you’re so hard though and I know you want to earn your orgasm like a good boy,” Gwilym nodded. “Okay, so spell meter,” “M- oh, I don’t know,” “You do know, baby, you just gotta try. Meter,” He scrunched his face up in thought, “M-E-E-T-R,” “See, I said you knew it, and you did it so well!” Gwilym gave you a dopey smile, looking proud at your praise, “I did?” His mouth dropped open with the movement of your hand. “Of course baby! You got it completely right because you’re so clever. What about sonnet, do you think you can do that one for me?” He nodded enthusiastically, “S-N-E-T,” “Very good! Okay, three more and I’ll let you cum,” “Okay!” “Okay, what about,” you thought for a moment, watching your hand pumping over his shaft as you trailed your fingernails lightly over his thigh, “Spell rhyme,” “Ummm,” Gwilym bit his lip in thought, soft grunting noises rising in his throat in time with your strokes. “It’s a bit of a tricky one,” “Yeah.” “And it’s hard to concentrate isn’t it?” “Mmhmm, so hard to con-ten-tate,” he thought for a little longer as you slowed your hand, “rrr- R-I-M,” “So clever baby! Okay canto,” “Oh! Ummm,” Gwilym pouted and whined as you unexpectedly drew the tip of your tongue around his head, “I don’ know,” “No?” He shook his head, eyebrows furrowed. “Okay what about, poem?” Gwilym seemed to have reached the last dregs of his knowledge, grunting in frustration as he shook his head again.” “You sure you don’t know?” He bucked his hips up into your hand as he shook his head again. “Alright, I’ll give you an easy one then. Spell your name for me, spell Gwilym,” Gwil’s eyes lit up at the suggestion but his face quickly slipped into a frown again, the expression getting more pronounced with every passing second he didn’t say anything. He sought out your face, his eyes brimming with frustrated tears, “I don’t…” his fists balled up as he looked to you for help. “You don’t remember?” He shook his head once more, a tear shaking loose and rolling down his cheek, “you said it was easy.” “It’s okay if you don’t know,” “Really?” he sniffled. “Of course it’s okay. You’re not supposed to know things.” “I’m not?” “Awww, of course not baby. That’s why I’m here, to know things, and you’re just here to make me happy.” Gwilym sighed and leaned back against the couch, smiling again. “Do you want to give it a try for me?” “Umm,” he whined as you slowed your strokes “It would make me very happy,” “Okay, umm…G? L? ummmm, M?” “You’re so clever, baby!” Gwilym giggled proudly and grinned at you as you adjusted your grip on his cock. “You’re my good, smart boy, aren’t you baby?” “Mmhmm,” he bucked his hips towards you as you took him into your mouth again. “Feels go-od,” he mumbled, almost panting with how close he was. You dragged the hand that rested on his thigh up to cup his balls as you sucked on his tip until he moaned and came, spilling his seed over your tongue.

You kept working your hand along his length, even after you’d pulled your mouth from him. “Was that a good orgasm baby? Did it make you feel good?” He nodded, pouting a little as you kept wanking him, “good oggsam,” It took all your effort not to laugh at that, biting on the inside of your cheek to keep from letting so much as a chuckle slip. Very few things delighted you as much as when Gwil forgot how to talk properly. “You know,” you said as you finally let his cock free, “sometimes when people have orgasms they feel euphoric. Do you feel euphoric?” “Mmhmm, you-porik.” “Clever boy. Do you want to help me feel euphoric?” “How?” “With your mouth,” “Oh! Okay!” You braced yourself against his knees as you stood, leaning forward to give Gwil a small kiss on the lips. He closed his eyes and smiled up at you contentedly as you shimmied out of your own clothes, dropping them all to the floor. “You going to let me lie down?” you asked, tapping Gwil on the shoulder. He looked around confusedly for a moment before his eyes settled on you, growing wider as he realised how naked you were. Without warning he surged forward, his hands grabbing your arse as he nuzzled his face in the valley between your breasts. If it were up to Gwil he would have stayed there all day but you had need for him elsewhere so you yanked his head back by his hair, earning a small noise of displeasure. “Don’t complain, baby. You want to make me feel euphoric, right?” “Mmhmm,” he hummed earnestly. “And how do you think you could do that?” “I don’t know,” “Maybe, cunnilingus?” “cun-un-un-un-gus,” “Exactly,” you directed his gaze down to your pussy, failing to hide your amused grin. But he was too far gone to notice, happily slipping to his knees in front of you. Telling him to wait for a second, you climbed onto the couch and spread your legs, beckoning him between them once you were comfortable.

He hadn’t been able to say the word but that didn’t mean he wasn’t skilled at the act. A string of soft hums and throaty sounds rose to your lips as he licked your cunt, the scratchy sensation of his beard only amplifying the soft, wet, warmth of his tongue.   “Can you, oh, can you spell poem for me baby?” Gwilym hummed and then started naming letters, his mouth still pressed against your cunt as if he didn’t realise he couldn’t talk and suck at the same time. You didn’t bother to stop him when he said too many letters or correct him when all of them were wrong. You just let his breath wash over you, his tongue flicking against your clit with each new letter, eliciting longer moans and sighs from you. “Fuck Gwil,” you panted, “keep going,” “Keep going,” he repeated, his voice muffled as he dragged his tongue all the way down your slit and then back up again, making you whine. You jolted when he reached your clit again and pressed against his head, keeping him close to you, your other hand trailing up your chest to tweak your nipples and knead your breasts. Occasionally you’d give him an instruction – “faster please,” or “do that again,” or “fuck Gwil, right there,” – and he’d repeat the words back to you, softened and often a little slurred together or mispronounced, before doing as he was asked, drawing you closer to release. He was pleased whenever another groan or mewl slipped from your lips, responding to them with sounds of his own as if he were savouring a particularly delicious meal. It seemed he’d taken what you’d said about making you happy to heart, though some of his whines might have had more to do with his cock, hard again and straining to be touched as his attention remained focused on you. “I’m c-lose ba-by,” you grunted as Gwilym pressed his mouth to your lower lips, as if to give you a soft chaste kiss, only to begin shaking his head side to side, rubbing his face against your cunt. “loase,” he muttered to himself, trailing his tongue back up to your clit, making you grind your hips up into him. It was impossible to keep your mouth shut in the face of such a feeling, wantonly moaning as you felt your orgasm bubbling to the surface. Gwilym hummed against you in response to a particularly loud moan which managed to be your undoing, your knees trying to clamp shut around his head as he continued to suck at your clit.

When you calmed enough to let go of his hair and loosen your thighs from around his ears, Gwilym looked up at you. His face was shiny and wet but he seemed to have regained some of his usual awareness. His eyes weren’t quite as vacant and his smile less dopey than it had been. “Feel good?” he asked, sounding almost normal except for a slight lightness in his tone. “Very good baby,” you leaned forward and kissed him full on the lips, tasting yourself as he opened his mouth and accepted your tongue. Slowly you dropped your hand between you, finding his cock again, not quite done with your brainless toy. He grunted against your lips and bucked into your hand as you stopped his return to sense. “Isn’t this fun?” you said softly as you pulled back, holding Gwil by the chin to stop him from trying to follow. “Yeah, fun,” a smile slowly tugging at his lips, “what is?” “Not needing to think, baby,” “Oh! Yes,” he laughed. “You’re too pretty to have a brain anyway, aren’t you? Much better off letting it leak out of your head,” “Mmhmm, much,” “And do you know what good, dumb boys get?” “No?” “They get fucked. Would you like that?” “Yes yes yes,” “Alright, lie back for me,” you chuckled, giving his cock a final stroke. Gwilym settled on the carpet on his back, grinning as you straddled his lap. Silently he held out his hand, all but two of his fingers folded against his palm. “No, I don’t need your fingers sweetie,” you said, giving the tips of his two fingers a light kiss, “as dextrous as they are and as much as I enjoy them, I think I’m okay skipping straight to your cock,” He nodded, letting you place his hand down on the floor again. You watched his face as you slowly sank down onto him, once again the picture of cunt drunk bliss with glazed eyes and his lip between his teeth. He smiled as you leaned down to kiss him, rolling your hips against his slowly. As you tongues entwined again, Gwilym framed your waist with his hands, slowly dragging them up your sides and onto your chest. He cupped each of your breasts in one of his palms, squeezing softly as you rocked forward and back. “Better than Byron isn’t this?” you asked, pushing yourself up a bit, but not so far you couldn’t kiss him again. “Wha’s Byron?” You laughed, “Y’know I think this might be the dumbest I’ve seen you. Can’t believe all it took was a rigged spelling test. He obviously didn’t understand, staring blankly back at you.

What he did understand was that you were moving further away from him and he whined as you pushed yourself to sit higher again, bracing your hands on his chest as you used your knees to raise and lower yourself. It still wasn’t enough though so you shifted again before too long, placing a hand behind you to grab Gwil’s leg. You leant back on it changing the angle of Gwilym’s cock, and felt his hands drop from your chest, no longer able to reach as easily. They came to rest on your leg, his fingertips digging into your skin as you rode him, keening as you felt the start of your orgasm building in the pit of your stomach. “Fuck Gwil, fill me so well, feels so good,” “My dex-ik-tus cock?” You couldn’t help but laugh, taken by surprise at his misunderstanding and mispronunciation of dextrous, but you nodded in agreement too, repeating your sentiments about how good it felt. “Wanna make me feel even better?” “How?” You sat forward again and reached for his hand, pulling it to your clit. Gwilym took the hint, messily rubbing as you bounced on his cock, but his whines and moans only grew as you rode him. “You’re close?” “Mmhmm,” You were on the verge of asking if he could hold it when he came with a groan, pulsing inside you. But you didn’t stop. “I’m close too, baby, so I’m gonna keep fucking you, okay?” He nodded, eyes fixed on you. “Good boy.” You panted, grabbing his wrist to hold his hand at your clit and adjusting your rhythm. Each time you sank back down onto him you did it harder, slamming his cock into you as deep as you could manage, groaning with each one. Your orgasm was frustratingly close but Gwilym was becoming steadily more sensitive as his subsided, wincing more with each of your thrusts. The winces turned to whimpers which turned to whines as you whispered that you were so close. “Almost baby, almost,” “Please. Hur’s,” “Nearly, just. One. More,” you threw your head back with a moan as you finally found your release, Gwil whining when you pulsed around him, a fresh tear running from the corner of his eye onto the carpet as he squirmed under you.

“Sorry, baby,” you said softly as you carefully dismounted him. He hummed as you kissed him again, leaving an extra kiss against the tip of his nose. “Did so well, such a good boy for me,” “Yeah?” “Mmhmm, so good,” He gave you a slightly watery smile and let you pull him into a cuddle, sighing contentedly when you brushed your fingers through his hair. You stayed like that for a while, knowing that later you’d regret lying on the floor for so long but unable to find the energy to move or the willpower to tell Gwilym you had to let him go. He gradually lost the fucked out expression, becoming more aware of his surroundings and more capable of clear speech. “How are you feeling?” you asked when you realised he’d blinked away the last of his sex drunk vacancy. “Better than before. Little tired but much more relaxed and very satisfied. And, before you ask, yes that’s satisfied and yes I can spell it if you want,” “I believe you.”

[ultimaterealmofchaos]

hello, friends.

lately, i have been having many feelings about the community. not just this one, but about the rpc in general. i have been keeping quiet about them, but when you keep quiet about something, eventually it becomes all too large to bear. some of you may disagree with me, and that is fine. some of you may even want to unfollow or block me, and that is fine too. i will not chase you down for merely disagreeing with me. but.

i am vastly disappointed in the state of the rpc as of late.

“but karla, why?” you may ask. “the rpc is fun, and i get to make all sorts of friends and write with so many different people!!”

and yes, you’re right! overall, the rpc is a very fun community to be in. it’s very fun to write your own portrayals of different muses, come up with your own ideas, meet other people who may or may not think and portray similarly to your own style.

however.

i think, as a whole, the rpc has become incredibly narcissistic.

why do i say this?

i have been roleplaying and writing here on tumblr since 2012. yes, i am old. but let’s push the fact that i am old compared to most of you aside for a moment.

i have seen quite a few people, in their rules, state something similar to the effect of “if you post too much ooc, i will unfollow and block you.”

if you have read my own rules, you will see that i do not have this rule.

now, everyone is valid in what they put in their rules, and everyone is valid for wanting to cater their own online experience to what they desire it to be. however. a problem that i have seen being developed in the past 3-4 years is that... nobody seems to care about other people. now, of course there are people who care about their writing partners/friends, i’m not saying that everyone is like that, but... the vast majority do not seem to want to hear anything about the mun behind the muses past a little bio page on the blog, and even for some, that might be too much.

when i started roleplaying, this rule overall didn’t really exist as a majority, and if it did, it was on very few blogs. but as i have gone through the years, i’ve seen it pop up on more and more blogs. and my question is... why? why does everyone seem to hate ooc posts now? are we not allowed to demonstrate that we have feelings, hobbies, interests, etc. past roleplay anymore? if someone is having a bad day or a bad mental state time, are they not allowed to confess to it on their blog, if for nothing else than to just get it out? now, some of you may say “yes, that’s bad, and tumblr rpc is no place for it. talk to someone instead of broadcasting it to the whole world.”

i disagree with that.

some of us do not have good support systems outside of tumblr, or really any support system at all. for some of us, coming onto our blogs for a little rant is the only way we can feasibly see to cope with our own bad times without doing something terrible to ourselves. and, honestly? it’s natural to want others to know when we are struggling. some call it “attention-seeking,” sure, but... yes. when you are feeling bad, naturally you want some sort of attention, if not to validate, then to distract for a little bit. the mind is an incredibly fickle creation, and sometimes, it is too big for us to deal with it on our own. and if someone doesn’t have many outlets to deal with it, they will naturally flock to the one that they know is safe, where they can let out their frustrations and depression without much backlash. but with rules like that in place, it becomes a bit more scary, a bit more threatening, even, to even entertain the idea that you are feeling anything but happy.

it is incredibly isolating, and even depressing, and it can even increase depression in those who do not currently have the proper mindset to see past their own demons that the mind has created. and the last thing i personally want is to consciously isolate someone because they’ve committed the “crime” of having a bad day/feeling terrible for some reason that may not even be related to the rpc.

it is natural to need/want to rant about things.

“but this is the rpc, karla. we are all here to write. not to read someone’s bitching on the dash about how they’re feeling so terrible.”

and, yes, we are all here to write. but i think that what the rpc in general has forgotten is that there are real people behind the portrayals and muses that we love so much. real people that have feelings, and sometimes those feelings aren’t the best ones. and i can personally speak from experience when i say that having a little rant and it seemingly being ignored only makes the feelings worse. and, like, i’m not even asking for anyone to send long essays to someone who is feeling bad. even a little like can make someone feel better, because it means that they’ve been seen, that they’ve been heard, that their being here isn’t a waste of time or a burden to other people.

adding onto my statement of “the rpc has become really narcissistic,” something i’ve also observed is that ongoing threads seem to be becoming a thing of the past. ask memes are reblogged 24/7, just about, and often times, i’ll see the same meme five times in a row. it seems that what the majority wants now are just asks that one can craft a brief answer to, post it, and then forget about it until the next one comes in. they can be great for headcanons and such, yes, but... i’ve found that, in my experience, the greatest character development comes from threads. and this just may be my frustration speaking, but threads seem to be long gone, unless they’re crack threads that last for a few hours before everyone gets bored with them. it seems to be all about who reblogs the most memes, who has the most asks in their inbox, that determines how popular somebody is. and i don’t understand that, but maybe i’m just too old and too stuck in the past to do so.

another thing i’d like to talk about is activity. some of us cannot be on tumblr 24/7. i’m not hating on the people that can, more power to you, but some of us have things like school, jobs, other real life commitments that should come before tumblr roleplay. and sometimes we just can’t be on our blogs because time has run away from us and has us devoted to other things. however, what i’ve noticed lately that if you happen to be away from your blog for a week or so, you’re just about instantly forgotten, and when you return, it’s like you never existed at all. this has been a problem i’ve seen for a long time, but i still don’t like it. why should our amount of time being active determine how good of a roleplayer we are? if others “love our portrayals so much,” then why are we forgotten as soon as we’re not constantly posting? in my eyes, if you genuinely enjoy someone’s writing, and they have to go away for some time, you’ll be excited when they’re finally able to come back, if even for only a little bit. and not just “oh, you’re gone, time to unfollow and never speak to you again.” this can also be incredibly isolating, and it creates undue pressure on those of us who just cannot be here 24/7. we feel like we have to fill our queues to stay relevant, and we panic when we don’t have anything to fill the queue with without re-reblogging something.

roleplay isn’t supposed to be stressful, guys. it’s supposed to be fun. it is a hobby. i feel like some of the rpc has forgotten this fact. no one is paying us to be here (unless you have post+ on your rp blog, in which case... why????). we’re here because we want to be, not because someone is forcing us, and we shouldn’t have to feel like we’re being held up to some invisible high standard just because some of us can’t be here all the time.

there is more that i want to talk about, but this post is long enough as it is, so i will leave it how it is right now.

if you have read this far, thank you for reading, and again, i understand if you want to change things with me because of this.