#not sure if my anxiety will allow as many as 10 but will definitely keep the chain going

[manglednatalia]

Send to 10 other bloggers you think are wonderful. Keep this going to make someone smile. ☆♥

PS thanks for joining us in the sigmatsu hole<3

Bro 🥺

[myonedream]

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“That’s My Good Boy.”

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✦ ⋆DNI Minors & Ageless Blogs⋆ ✦

A/N ~ Hello loves! If you don’t already know, this is my first fic on here! My name is L (more on me in my pinned post if interested), I’ve been on Tumblr for 10 years and writing in general for even longer so I’m definitely not new to either, though I’ve never written smut before so this is my first time for that. I really wanted to write this fic in particular as it’s something that plagues my mind every since this -> post/ask from @napofamoon. Even though now I made this about Hyuka hehe (tbh imagined it as him every time I read it after reading it the second time because he just gives me giant puppy vibes). I did use the ear thing here as well so credit to anon for that! This fic is actually the inspo to start this blog, along with the amazing TXT smut community on here that I’ve been secretly following for awhile. And I have to admit, this is quite self indulgent so… guess y’all caught me in 4K 😂. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it regardless and please let me know of any errors/thoughts you have! I know I’ve read this like 9 times and I think it’s pretty good, but I’m still nervous that there are some errors and y’all might not like it. Especially since it’s hybrid smut. But I don’t think there are any errors and I truly do like it, I just got hella anxiety so y’know. But enough of my rambles and happy reading :)

CW ~ Idol Wolf Hybrid!Hueningkai x afab!reader (not specified as a girl), Subby Top!Kai, breeding kink and a lot of it, creampie (remember this is just fantasy so don’t be silly, wrap ya willy), praise, uses of names such as Pup, Baby, Master & Mommy, definitely a petite reader so size kink for sure (he kinda manhandles her even though not intentionally cause he’s just a big ol’ puppy at the end of the day :(), pantie stealing, good bit of dirty talk, some pretty soft moments, consent is sexy type vibes, choking, biting, cockwarming at the very end, boy lowkey desperate and a bit of a perv. If I missed something, let me know!

~⋆ ✦ ⋆~Smut Under Cut!~⋆ ✦ ⋆~

You’ve known Kai for a long time, having met when you both were 6 years old so him being a hybrid was never a secret to you. It was basically his opening line when he approached you during recess, barking at you and exclaiming that he had a tail, which he then promptly showcased. Being so young, you found it incredibly interesting and because you desperately wanted a dog more than anything when he asked if you wanted to be his master you of course said yes! Unbeknownst to you all that entailed, and how different a wolf, especially a wolf hybrid, was from an actual dog. But you didn’t care because your friendless and petless self basically now had both!

So for years you remained his master and as time went on you began to realize how big of a job it actually was. You didn’t even know how big of a deal having a master in the hybrid community was until many years passed. You were essentially a glorified babysitter that didn’t get paid. Hanging out with him 24/7, keeping him out of trouble when his animal instincts kicked in, letting him sleep curled up next to you on your bed, taking him on walks, being woken at 6am sharp with puppy kisses all over your face to take him on another walk. The boy basically lived with your family at that point. If he wasn’t so cute you would’ve wanted out a long time ago but he became your best friend you could tell anything to so you found it endearing having him be your shadow, even if his own shadow was much bigger than yours. So when he started to pursue his dream of being an idol of course you came along for the ride.

When he was finally in a group and they had plans to debut him, he begged the company to allow you to move in with him and his group mates, the leader, Soobin, the eldest, Yeonjun, Beomgyu and Taehyun. Then of course he begged you, to which you put up a fight and “reluctantly” agreed. Though truly you wanted to live with him just as much as he did with you, even though you’d never tell him that. Eventually debut came and after that a new place, bigger company and a lot of fame and well deserved recognition. Him and his members, who you became good friends with, were on top on the world.

Then he began having…hybrid issues. Essentially every hybrid reaches full maturity at a different age and what effects you the most is your sexual drive, making it an incredibly difficult time, especially to hide it. It’s like one day you wake up and your heat is so incredibly painful it’s nearly impossible to even walk or sleep comfortably. Kai is a late bloomer, he’s 21 and is just now starting his maturity cycle, making performing and recording content for the fans extremely hard. They already know he’s a hybrid but they don’t need to know when specifically he’s in heat and being the fact his ears pop out when he is, it’s not like he can hide it any. Though there has been one thing that’s been keeping him from losing his marbles: you.

He keeps telling you how much he loves you and how your comfort is the only thing keeping him sane at every opportunity. Cuddled up in your bed, in your lap, in your arms, as if he’s the one who’s 150cm. You just think the love and support is what’s helping him and that it’s not that horrific since he seems to be keeping himself together well and you know it’ll all pass soon enough. But truthfully, he’s absolutely losing it. Sure, you’re helping, but not how you think you are. The reason he’s constantly curled up to you or in your lap? Your scent. And not how you as a whole smells, how your pussy smells.

He’s a wolf deep down (even if he acts like a giant puppy) so he has an incredible sense of smell. Unlike how others can’t smell you down there without having to stick their whole nose up there, he just has to get within a few feet to smell it. Usually that is. But with how bad his heat has been as he’s now finally reaching full maturity, he can smell your pussy the moment he enters a room with you in it. If you’re arroused or on your period, he knows. And when you ovulate, it sends his instincts into overdrive. Which is why his head is always in your lap, he’s taking in deep breaths of your scent as close as he can get to your pussy without it being weird. You would think your scent would drive him more mad but somehow it’s comforting as it’s familiar but lately it just hasn’t been cutting it. So he comes up with a plan whilst you sleep next to him, completely unaware, in your basically shared at this point bed, to help him get the purest whiff of you in the morning. He then manages to contain his excitement and nerves of acting out his plan and proceeds to fall asleep, nuzzling into your neck.

You wake up the next morning to Kai lovingly cuddled up against you, holding one of the giant plushies you got him years ago as a birthday gift. It’s his day off so you don’t bother to wake him as you get out of bed, you pick out your outfit for the day and head into the bathroom. You sit your clean clothes on the sink then proceed to have your morning pee, washing your hands after. Now you turned on the shower to get it heated up before you enter and begin to remove your oversized shirt that once belonged to Kai, exposing your bare breasts to the cold air of the AC vent above you, hardening your nipples instantly. You take off your pretty royal blue panties and drop them down onto the floor on top of your shirt, now completely naked, you enter the shower and begin to clean up.

Once Kai hears the water running he wakes, taking time to scroll on Weverse before eventually getting up to act out the plan he made last night. He approaches the bathroom to come inside, at this point you’re not sure how long it’s been since you got in when you hear the door open but nonetheless you instinctively call out “Kai?” He freezes in fear that he’s already been busted but tries to remain as quiet as possible. Eventually his fear is alleviated after he hears you whisper to yourself about how you just must be hearing things. Then he spots them, the pair of royal blue panties you left on the ground. Instantly he can begin to feel his heart beat out of his chest as he carries out with his plan by picking them up and stuffing them into the pocket of his pajama pants before leaving the bathroom as quietly as possible.

You’ve always taken a long time to shower so he knows he has plenty of time to do the rest. So he sits himself down on your bed, pulling your panties out of his pocket and lifting them up to his nose, taking in all of your scent. The divine fragrance making his ears pop out and big cock grow in his pants instantly. He begins to lick the wet spot on them from the access slick due to your ovulation, relishing in the taste of you and fantasizing what it would be like to have his head in between your thighs, lapping away at your warm pussy as you moan under his tongue. Before he knows it, he’s pulled his pants and boxers down and is fisting his leaking cock as he has the panties up to his nose.

He takes his precum and works it around his shaft like lube, moaning at every touch, and begins wrapping the panties around him, using the bright blue material as friction. Unable to help it as his mind starts to wonder about it being your hand around his cock right now, getting louder by the minute. “A-ahh… master… mmm fuck…” He’s so fucked out already he doesn’t even realize the water has turned off, you’ve finished your shower and quickly you put on your towel to go wake Kai, who you think is sleeping. Noticing whilst walking out your panties are gone and quickly as you open the door you notice exactly where they went. Your missing panties wrapped around his throbbing cock. Kai, too far gone and eyes shut, doesn’t even notice you watching, “Ooh fuuuck, m-master.”

For some reason seeing him like this is unexpectedly turning you on and you can’t help but stand and watch as he works your panties around his fat cock. He’s much bigger than you expected, the sight of him playing with his cock and the sound of his moans making your pussy wet. “Mmm… oh shit… fuck, oh master,” he moans out loudly and shamelessly and just hearing him moan master that one specific time makes your body need release. You lift the towel and begin gathering your slick, bringing your fingers to your mouth to suck them clean, enjoying the taste before rubbing circles around your clit. You lean back against the wall, watching him intently, you slide two fingers into your hole easily and slowly. Once you hit your G-spot you can’t help but let out a soft, but just audible enough, “Aah, pup.”

The moment you do, Kai’s ears perk up and his eyes fling open to look at you, who is now the one unaware of the other since your eyes are closed. Slowly he gets up, getting close to you, watching in awe for a second as you touch yourself. You jump slightly as he leans into your neck and leaves a soft kiss, whispering into your ear “You know, master, I had a whole apology ready for being a bad boy if you caught me, but now you seem to need me almost as much as I need you.” You say nothing as he lightly tugs at the towel “May I please take this off?” You stare at him for a second, he was always so polite, now not being an exception as he awaited your answer, circling his hand around your inner thigh. You let out a giggle at the tickling touch before saying “We really shouldn’t… but… please do.”

That’s all the wolf needs to hear as he removes your towel and picks you up gently to then lay you on the bed, underneath him. He lets out a light moan at the sight of you, his beloved master, all exposed for him. In almost a pathetic whimper he goes “Fuck, finally, I’ve wanted you like this since the maturity cycle started, master.” Then not even a second later, he shoves his head in between your legs and begins leaving sweet puppy licks in between every fold of your wet pussy. “O-o-pup,” you almost shriek at the sudden stimulation “all you had to do was ask if you needed help.” You say as you run your fingers through his beautiful blonde locks and leave light scratches behind his ears as he eats you out the best anyone ever has. The boy lifts his head up, eyes already glossy, his face soaking wet all around his mouth to ask “Really?” before sticking his face back into your pussy. “Y-y-yes, anything for you baby.” You say lovingly in a near moan. “Then cum for me” Kai says into you, going back and forth from sucking harshly on your clit and teasing your hole with his tongue, his nose rubbing your nub when focusing on your hole. Watching your every move. “F-fuck, oh shit, pup, you’re gonna make master-“ “Please, cum for me, mommy.” Between how well he was eating you out, his words vibrating on your clit and his sudden use of mommy, you absolutely lost it, coming undone around him and cumming intensely on his tongue. Feeling your eyes roll back into your head, screaming his name so loud you knew if the other boys were awake they knew exactly what was going on. But that didn’t stop him from sucking your clit until it was swollen, until he knew you were coming down from your high.

Before you could even say anything he looked up from in between your legs, desperation in his voice, “Please let me make you a mommy.” You didn’t even know what to say to that but Kai didn’t leave any time to respond before saying “Please, I wanna fill your pussy up with my cum, mommy.” He began to get closer, moving up the bed, sounding even more desperate to the point he was basically whining “I wanna give you my puppies, wanna cum in my mommy’s pussy so bad.” Words you never thought you’d hear your sweet little pup say but you’d be lying if you said it didn’t turn you on immensely, making your pussy throb for him. Instead of letting him know that you just chuckled and went “Oh? You wanna make me a mommy? Want your cum dripping out of my hole, pup?” In a teasing voice. Kai bit his lip, nodding quickly as he stared into your eyes intently with those big brown puppy eyes of his. It was hard to believe at a moment like this he was a wolf hybrid and not just a dog hybrid. “Fuck, please.” He said, as he sank his head to leave kisses in between your breasts. “Okay, but you have to be a good wolf then.”

“I’m always good” he said in an almost upset voice, as if you were implying there are times he is not. But his near offended nature quickly went away as he ripped his shirt off and lined up his big, throbbing cock with your entrance. He began to slowly insert himself, being as gentle as possible, but due to his size, just his tip alone made your eyes roll back into your head. At this point you were also becoming desperate, moaning out “Just get it in there, already.” “Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you.” He said. “You won’t, trust me, I’ll tell you if it’s too much.” Kai looked at you as he gripped onto your waist with his big hands “Promise?” “Promise.” “Now just make me a mommy please.” Those words alone was enough for him to absolutely unintentionally manhandle you as he bottomed out in you, stretching open your walls to take him. You screamed which instantly made Kai have a worried look on his face. Until you moaned out “Oooohhhhh fuuuuck… good boy.” When the worried look turned to a grin of pride that he could make his master like this.

“You like that?” He asked as he started speeding up his thrusts. “Yes…” you muttered out barely audible between yours and, mostly Kai’s, moans and loud squelching sounds of his fat cock in your wet pussy. He began to hold your hands down and lean over your body so he could kiss you and whisper in your ear how beautiful you’ll look as a mommy as he borderline abused your cunt. His blonde locks becoming wet and falling into his eyes as his pretty ears and tail began to twitch. Speeding up so much, you genuinely feared that he might break the bed with all the creaking. At this point he had you in a mating press, breeding you so deep and fast, hitting your G-spot every time with the fat tip of his cock, making you wail. You could feel yourself dangerously close to cumming and so could he as your gummy walls clenched around him. “F-uck, I’m close!” “Me too” he groaned in response. “Go on pup, impregnate master, make her a mommy.” You yelled. And with that you came undone, and so did Kai, releasing his seed into you with a sharp thrust, leaning into your chest as your walls fluttered around him.“O-oh master, fuck, there you go, take my puppies.”

With so much stimulation he collapsed onto the bed next to you, his cock slipping out of your hole on it’s own. Despite it being very, very good, at this point you became needy for more so without a second thought you begin stroking his cock to make it hard again. Dazedly he looked up at you and asked “Not enough? You need more, master?” You felt something take over you as you responded with “The name is mommy.” Quickly you got on top and put his cock back in your now creamy hole, beginning to bounce on it. “I’ll take that as a yes then, mommy.” He giggled as he watched your pussy spread his cum on his cock like lube. “Well, I have to make sure you got me pregnant, pup” you say. Kai nodded and sat up, wrapping his arms around you, nuzzling his face into your neck so he could leave bright marks on it, squishing your boobs against his broad chest in the process. Slowly reaching down to grab your ass whilst thrusting up into your hole. “God, my cum makes the best lube, but now I fear it’s leaking out too much.” He said softly into your ear. “Guess I’ll just have to fill this cunt up again.” He said in a near growl whilst bouncing you on his fat cock, furry ears tickling your face as he sucked on the sweet spot on your neck. “Fuck, right there” you whined as his right hand came up to wrap around your throat. At this point he was slamming your pussy so hard that his cum from before was splashing out onto his lap. That’s when you felt him shake, “Breed me full,” you said and before you knew it his warm load filled you up again as he bit your neck. You then screamed and began to cum yourself, pulling his mouth off your neck to look him in the eyes, “That’s my good boy.” You said as your hands cupped his sweaty face before leaning in to press a passionate kiss on his lips.

At that point you both were so tired you laid down onto the bed, your body still on top of Kai’s, him in still your hole. “You feel better now, baby?” You asked hazed. “Much.” He replied. To which he covered you both up with a blanket to take a nice needed nap. But not before you exchanged mutual ‘I love you’s,’ certain that definitely fixed his issues as you both fell asleep. More than happy to help him again if he ever needs it.

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[writingjourney]

I want to write, and I did a little bit when I first the fandom of Ghost a few months back. But I quickly resolved back to thinking I'm not good enough for anyone to like it and people don't even care. I know the best way is to write for myself but I depend on validation. And I don't have any range to even be seen by anyone. I know I have to put myself out there but it's so difficult when you're afraid of the world out there. :(

I feel you anon, it IS difficult to put yourself out there, to build and maintain a presence online – especially if you're dealing with things like social anxiety and self-doubt. You have to ignore your mean inner voice A LOT and convince yourself not to delete that fic, not to talk yourself down constantly, not to compare yourself to others who post similar things. Believe me, no matter how many people follow you or how many notes or hits your work gets, this never goes away if you are an introspective, insecure person by nature.

I'm not sure if I'm the right person for it, but I think I can try to give you some words of wisdom. I feel like the hard truth is that being creative has to (mainly) come from intrinsic motivations or you will not keep it up long-term. You have to love the story your writing, it has to be something you are happy to work on no matter if you post it or not. Extrensic motivation like notes/comments etc. can definitely help to get you to create more often but if your inner drive is not there it just takes you so much more effort to push through the insecurities. The best kind of writing is the story that gives you incredible brain rot because you're obsessed with it, not the one that gets you the most notes online. And I say this (I know) as someone who is lucky to get a lot of validation from others these days, especially friends.

The truth however is that it takes work and dedication like any other craft to get better at writing which also helps to get more confident, something an online audience cannot give you because it depends on factors beyond your control like fandom size/platform/ships etc. When I started writing fic on this blog in 2016 I was a tiny small account with not a lot of followers who was new to writing in English as well as the world of fanfic, I didn't have the best skills yet and posted x reader fics for maybe 10-30 notes if I was lucky, even for bigger fandoms. As time went by I improved, I found mutuals and a small community of writers but then eventually I abandoned this blog for a couple years because what happened is that I started writing for other people and not myself anymore. Taking requests, finishing stories for characters I was no longer into etc. It KILLED my creativity and I went back to other work beyond fanfic.

I went on to posting my fics exclusively to Ao3 when I did write because my motivation was the story itself, being obsessed with whatever media I had found, and not being popular in the fandom. I knew that was not gonna happen because my obsessions fluctuated and I was just a beginner writer who had a long journey ahead (still have I feel like). But the lack of pressure helped to actually get me to write. Instead of listening to what others want you have to allow your creativity to take you places and write the stories that inspire you, hop between fandoms and characters and tropes and be self-indulgent as fuck even if maybe two people read it. Finding writer friends REALLY helps with that.

I returned to tumblr for Ghost in an attempt to find community, not even really to stay here for so long, and I happened to be lucky to get here at a time where the fandom was VERY active and people were reading a LOT of fanfiction. Right now the fandom is pretty much dead compared to that time. When I came here I tried to be active because that is what I knew from when I started back in 2016, writers supporting writers, readers sharing a variety of works, multifandom accounts hopping all over the place, lots of activity not even bound to one bubble but across fandoms. I read other people's works on here and shared it, supported the new favorite writers I found, befriended people who I thought are cool etc. and I continue to do that now.

I feel like that is the key to having fun in fandom really. Because while a few people scout or follow the hashtags you post your work in most people will not bother digging through them (tumblr search is just horrible) but rely on what the people they follow reblog and put on their dash. People won't see your works if you stay inside your tight little corner and never interact with the community because there is no algorithm pushing it out. To be supportive is the best way to receive support and the best way to support others is to do so genuinely and not with the intention to get back. I KNOW this can be sooooo scary but I have only ever found it to be very rewarding in the end because kindness is contagious, you reap what you sow etc etc. I really hope you can find the courage to put yourself out there and listen to your creativity and let it carry you places instead of letting the outside world affect how you approach your creativity.

I hope this helped in some shape or form. I know it is all easier said than done but a LOT of people are sooooo kind and supportive if you show them that you are out there and care about them as well, I promise! ♡

[saltpepperbeard]

Oh babes I am right there with you panicking about season 3. The way I personally read that article with Taika wasn’t that he was saying he wouldn’t do a season 3, just that he’s not convinced it’ll happen but didn’t want to outright say it so instead focused on how great the story was as is…anyways I’m always afraid :)

oh babe For Sure lol like i'm actually a VERY NERVOUS NELLIE :))). there are just so many factors that are making me ~*~Worried~*~

...AND WHILE I TRY NOT TO FIXATE ON THEM, I SIMPLY NEED TO SCREAM???

The first and foremost being that one article/interview/whatever the fuck it was where a higherup from Max was like "Yeaahhhh we can't really say anything definitive at this point because we have to see how it performs and if it's worth renewing." And that just dropped my stomach so so hard because like...what do you fucking MEAN if it's "worth" renewing. Why WOULDN'T it be worth renewing. It's literally the last fucking season lmao WHY WOULDN'T YOU JUST SEE IT THROUGH AND ALLOW THE STORY TO PROPERLY CONCLUDE AND SUBSEQUENTLY ATTRACT ALL THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE SEEING FINISHED, SECURE STORIES??? ((And yes yes, again, probably something that was missing context, but that wording makes me Nauseous lmao c:))

just...The Response (derogatory). it could just seem way louder/bigger than it actually is because it has sunk its tendrils into every little corner, but it makes me worried that the cast/crew are going to feel dejected and won't want to proceed. and i only say that because david recently did an interview, and said something along the lines of "i'll want to continue if it keeps feeling fun." and i'm like...wHAT IF THIS MAKES IT STOP FEELING FUN??? i just really REALLY hope they're all seeing how much love and appreciation there is, as opposed to all of the vitriol.

Max slicing the budget so so hard for season 2. Forty percent man. Forty FUCKING percent. It just makes me so worried about what they consider profitable, what they consider ""WORTHY."" I'd like to think and HOPE that them putting so much effort into marketing and now merch/icons/etc is a good sign. But I still fret over the stereotypical studio "we care more about profits than the art/story."

And also just the general state of streaming. The way SO many stories aren't able to be fully told anymore. The way so many shows get cut after their first or second seasons. The way people can't even really get into new shows because they EXPECT a random cancellation. Like, it sickens me lmao. TV shows used to have SO many fucking seasons, and used to have seasons RICH with episodes. And now it's like...You get 8-10 episodes and now we're cancelling lol get fucked <3

I guess I'm just predominantly nervous because I'm not sure what makes us "worth it" to Max. One would think being declared one of their flagships would, and also being a large LGBT show would. Buuuuuut idk. I just have ~*~distrust and anxiety~*~

[somepotatoes]

Its a LOT:

2. First time masturbating? 

3. First sex toy? 

6. First time having sex?

7. Biggest turn on?

8. Biggest turn off?

10. Weirdest thing that ever turned you on?  

12. Ultimate fantasy? 

18. Rough or sensual sex?

28. Last place you had sex?

29. Where would you most like to have sex? 

32. What’s your biggest kink? 

36. Do you like orgasm denial/forced orgasm? 

41. Do you have any strange or extreme kinks?

44. What do you masturbate to?

45. How often do you masturbate? 

48. Do you go for multiple rounds or settle at one or no orgasms?  

55. What’s your breast size?

56. How often do you go braless? 

65. Do you get sleepy after an orgasm?

67. How do you prefer partners pubic hair?

68. How many orgasms can you have in a day?

70. What do you wear to bed?

71. Any funny sex stories?

74. What’s the weirdest porn you’ve ever seen?

75. Do you often get horny in public?

76. Ever used something that isn’t made for sex in the bedroom?

77. Have you ever walked in on somebody or been walked in on?

2. Pretty sure I was around 10, I was humping pillows

3. My first one was a little rose looking vibrator from Vush

6. I was about 21 or 22 and it was with my bf at the time, we were so nervous at first but I’m glad it was with him

7. Biggest turn on is a gentleman that can also take control, as well as nice arms and hands

8. Biggest turn off is someone who is unhygienic; unclipped fingernails, oily hair, clothes are untidy etc.

10. This is definitely a confession but a weird turn on for me is porn that have animatronics or monsters, or something fantasy like, just bc of the movements that they make (I like the rhythm)

12. My ultimate fantasy is definitely pretty basic but it’s either a little bit of cnc play or a MMF threesome

18. It honestly depends on the person for me, I’m pretty dynamic when it comes to sensual or rough but if I’m ovulating I’m most likely leaning towards rough

28. Last place I had sex was in the back of a car

29. Sex is overrated (obviously with the loml in our big bed and comfortably sized house with our pets and kids sleeping soundly)

32. Biggest kink is a man with nice strong arms and hardworking CLEAN hands

36. I have yet to explore such kinks like orgasm denial or forced orgasm, probably bc every time I fuck someone they just cum

41. I don’t think I have any strange or extreme kinks except for cnc

44. I masturbate to pov amateur videos bc I can’t fantasise about my crush

45. Sometimes every night, sometimes I can go a week or so, just depends on my mood

48. Alone, I can go rounds but with someone else they’re usually finished after the first (starting to realise I choose shitty sexual partners)

55. My breast size are DD

56. I don’t wear a bra anytime I’m home and sometimes occasionally when I go out but my top has got to be tight

65. If I’m super tired I will knockout straight after but sleep is so much better after a good flick of the bean

67. I honestly don’t mind hairs, as long as you keep yourself clean that’s all I care about

68. I could probably have a few if I didn’t have responsibilities for a day

70. I don’t wear anything to bed

71. I don’t think I have any fun sex stories, probably some embarrassing ones I’ve tried to forget but none that I can think of

74. Weirdest porn I’ve ever seen probably a snippet of a horse and a woman, I didn’t watch it but I couldn’t avoid the snippet either. It was definitely traumatising

75. In public I’m quite innocent just minding my own business but if I were to walk around with the loml I’d definitely fondle him here and there just bc he’s so hot and handsome to look at

76. I’ve used a hair brush and an electric toothbrush but gone are those days bc ya girl actually has sex toys

77. Luckily I have never walked in or been walked in on while doing anything sexual bc I am careful and too anxiety ridden to allow that to happen

[dentwy]

number 2: the rehearsal

i’m not familiar with nathan fielder's work. hell, i found out he’s canadian a week ago; but after hearing enough about the rehearsal i was curious to give it a shot. i believe the first person i heard talk about it was matt watson, so thank you little matthew! hope you’re doing well!

the rehearsal pretty much feels like the answer to "what could i have done in that situation" (which now that i think about is kind of ironic when i'm saying i got it from supermega but that’s a different topic). instead of doing stuff and later regretting it later, why not just rehearse the situation before it plays out? nathan fielder is really just that neurotypical of a man. the first few minutes are enough to sell you on the idea that this is actually completely psychotic, do not let this man near your house. even then, i believe life is at its best when sticking to our most devious ideas, so i am all in for it.

there’re three main "rehearsals" in the show, but they all manage to give us a different experience on this concept and tackle a different issue at hand. "i've been lying to my friend for 10 years", "i need my brother to understand my girlfriend isn’t a liar" and "i want to know what it's like to be a parent". these are fairly simple problems anyone could have, but it's the characters we come across that make it a bigger deal than it should be. these are just people. annoying ones? sure. racist? yep. unhealthily religious? oh boy. yet nathan likes to explore that, he's never the one taking over their decisions (most of the time), he lets people be people, and, in turn, show their most honest sides.

this "hands off" approach works to the benefit of the show as in the end, nothing feels tacked in or unrealistic. the things these people do or say will make you groan just as it would for any acquaintance you might know or meet for the first time. surely, we're still talking about a documentary (or docu-medy) so who's to say it couldn't all be actors. don't really think it matters though, as the rehearsal is all about acting as who you want to be. just probably don't follow "the fielder method" unless you're allowed to i suppose.

after all, we're talking about nathan fielder, a guy that keeps a response flowchart for his phone calls. the guy that reenacts situations he's already been in to understand how people perceive him, and how they feel. i'm no medical professional, but fielder portrays aspects of autism that you don't usually see in television that much. there's always a sense of anxiety to whatever he does, as if he doesn't ever really know what to do with the people around him. not to say he doesn't try his best, he's definitely a competent individual, he simply gives off that vibe. he's caring and understanding, and it shows on the later episodes of the show.

it may seem at first glance that the rehearsal is just about planning out the future, but it tackles multiple things at once. seeking acceptance from others, understanding social ques, not understanding them, overthinking what we do and giving up before trying; as some of the main actions we could take in life. all going alongside concepts of acceptance (and not accepting others), people portraying different versions of themselves, some touches of racism and politics, egocentrism and obsessiveness over your principles (specially related to religion), the television and movie industry and its use of child actors, and the idea that's present the most throughout its runtime, parenthood.

being a parent must be tough, and jumping into something so life changing is a challenge of its own. a single mistake could ruin your child's entire life, yet humans are mistake machines, so how to avoid this? the search for answers sometimes doesn't work to your favor either, as nathan ends up showing us. without delving into too many details as it's better to experience on your own, the last 2 episodes are simply heartbreaking pieces of content. although ending in a seemingly positive manner, you always do wonder "what could have i done different?", when perhaps the best answer may as well be tackling things head on. or not? who knows? that’s what the rehearsal is for.

i'm definitely a victim of my own delusions at times, as many of us can be. thinking too far ahead and wishing there could be a retry button in case things go bad. if we could all just have a flowchart that considers every possible scenario, maybe we could be better. maybe things could be easier, but everything has a double-edged sword.

definitely looking forward to season 2, and even more of nathan if i decide to watch the rest of his stuff.

[reidsbookclub]

The Dating Profile

Title: The Dating Profile

WC: 2K

Author’s Note: changed it up a bit but it’s based from the request below.  Last two text parts were supposed to be a pic but I already had the 10 allowed by Tumblr. This is my first time using the “fake texting”

Special shout out to Sifen for the request, @boldlyvoid & @lcvingprentjss for your help.

Spencer Reid was always on the go, running up and down from the BAU to helping his friends, babysitting his godchildren, walking around museums and doing everything he possibly could to keep on going. But it wasn’t until the dark hours of the night, when he got home and winded down that he remembered the only reason for always runnig from place to place was because he felt the need to suppress the feeling of loneliness he felt on a daily basis. Walking into a dark, cold and lonely apartement always served as a cruel reminder that unlike his friends, he didn’t have anyone waiting at home.

After spending the day at the park with Penelope, Micheal, and Henry for what Penelope liked to call “Fairy Godparents Outting” he walked into his apartment and started to microwave a frozen meal. He looked around and started imagining a life in which he would have someone to come home to and be willing to listen to every story he had to share. For Spencer, this was beginning to morph into one of his many unattainable dreams. But he never once imagined that one tex message would be all it would take for  his daydreaming to become a reality.

*next day*

Spencer was baffled. A dating profile? He surely would have known if any of his friends created a profile for him, wouldn't he?

It had taken less than 10 minutes for Penelope to assure Spencer that the dating profile was in fact real and not a vindictive unsub coming out to get him. And unbeknownst to Spencer, Penelope had also found out who had created his dating profile.

Spencer couldn’t help but chuckle at this. Being on the opposite side of what a fugitive is. He wanted to text back, get to know them, but unfortunately glancing up and seeing Penelope with a stack of FBI files he knew duty called. Putting his phone away he sighed and went to the briefing room. As the days went by Spencer kept thinking back to the nameless person that texted him. He wanted to know more about them but this was a first for Spencer, he did not know how to proceed. He also did not want to ask anyone on the team knowing that he would get teased. Spencer feared that the longer he went without talking with them the sooner they would forget about him, and so two weeks later after a long and disturbing case, he decided to message the mysterious number again.

Spencer couldn’t help but let out a loud laugh at this catching the attention of Derek Morgan

“Pretty boy laughing at his phone at 11:00 pm… am I dreaming?”

“Shut up” Spencer mumbled slightly annoyed but definitely embarrassed at the fact that he was caught. Morgan definitely catches the slight smirk on Spencer’s face but chooses not to say anything.

Spencer was enthralled with this mysterious texter. No one had wanted to get to know him before. And hiding behind a screen he felt comfortable enough to be fully and unapologetically herself. But there was a seed of doubt that had settled in the deepest corner of his brain silently echoing his word thoughts and fears which led to him thinking about how maybe once this person got to know them they would run always. After all who could ever love Spencer? Who could ever stay with him? All he’s ever known was loneliness.

Spencer wanted to ask Derek for advice but he always wanted to prove his ever-growing fears and anxieties that he could actually do this by himself. What he didn’t know was that back in Virginia across the hallway from his apartment was a very shy librarian who in a spur of the moment drunken mishap created a dating profile and stumbled upon his. To y/n, it was a mystery how someone with a dating profile wasn’t active on it but instead left his phone number to text. And yes they were weary of cat-phishing but something about this profile caught their eye.

Spencer was never the type of person who looked at his phone the minute he woke up. But he couldn't help but reach for his phone the minute he woke up after the conversation he had with his mysterious texter last night. But what surprised Spencer more than the fact that he was constantly reaching for his phone was the disappointment he felt when no new text messages were found on his phone.

“Kid, is your mom okay?” Rossi cautiously asked

“She’s doing fine, taking well to her medications. Why?” Spencer asked curiously

“Well you keep glancing at your phone, I haven’t seen you pick up a book all day”

“Oh-umm- no yeah everything is okay”

Spencer thought he had credibly dismissed Rossi’s worries but he couldn't successfully hide the blush that spread across his cheeks when his phone dinged signaling an incoming text. Nor could he dissimulate the growing smile when he say that his mysterious texter had finally texted him.

It had been two days since their last conversation due to Spencer being caught up on a case. He would just receive good morning and good night texts with good luck and stay safe texts throughout the day. He really wished he had the time to text back but 5 children’s lives were at stake. Finally, the case wrapping up in the early hours of the third day after their conversation, he hoped that the team would get back to Quantico in time before the library closed.

“Hey pretty boy we are all going to-” Derek began saying when Spencer interrupted with

“I can’t, have to go-book-library-bye” as he rushed out, moving faster than anyone had ever seen him move.

Walking up the steps of the library Spencer stopped to calm his wandering mind before opening the door. Making his way to the front desk he began fiddling his fingers on the strap of his satchel. Noticing an older lady by the front desk he walked up to her

“Excuse me, I’m looking for Y/N Y/L/N”

“You just missed them my dear, do you happen to be Dr. Reid by any chance?”

“Uh, yes ma’am that me”

“This was left  for you, good choice of material” To which she added, “Its already been checked out so you’re free to go unless you are looking for another book”

“Thank you.”

Taking the metro home, Spencer began taking out the book to read when a note fell from inside the pages, without thinking he took the note and put it in the pocket of his coat.

As they continued talking, Spencer couldn’t help but start feeling a sense of closeness and familiarity whenever he texted y/n. It was as if with every passing text an invisible string pulled his heart closer to theirs. Spencer had finally found someone in which he could confide in without feeling like he was being judged and that was a feeling that he was not planning on letting go any time soon.

*6 months passes by*

Spencer takes out his phone to text the only person he would actually speak with and open up to.

Spencer: would it be completely inappropriate of me to dump a whole lot of feelings and ranting? I just- I need to talk it over with someone. Get some clarity

y/n: the handsome genius doctor Red needs my help? Well absolutely

Spencer: Remember that one friends I told you about? The one that died?

y/n: Emily. Yes, I remember

Spencer: well it turns out he isn't really ... you know.. dead

Y/n: wait...you mean to tell me the fbi really does do the whole fake deaths and shit?

The chuckle that slipped from Spencer’s mouth startled him in the midst of his silent apartment. Loving the way y/n made him feel. He wanted to meet them, he really did, but something at the back of his mind kept telling him that once they met y/n wouldn’t want anything else with him. But, he also knew that if y/n was the only person that could get him to see, understand, and most of all accept the reasons why Hotch, JJ, and Emily had to keep it a secret then they must be someone really special.

*one week later*

Spencer was dying to hear their voice, his imagination running wild thinking about how his name would sound like falling from their lips. He had just come back from a case, mentally exhausted, the team having to rely on his knowledge of physics to solve the case.  There even came a point where he was feeling like he was too slow in figuring it out. Wanting to feel “normal” for a bit he stepped out of the elevator, taking out his phone he pressed the call button on his phone.

“Well hello there doctor sexy”

“You’ve never even met me, how do you know I am not… i don't know a pipe cleaner with eyes?”  Spencer chuckled when saying this remembering his time back on that case, much had changed in his life and in the BAU since then. Reaching his door he starts searching his satchel for his key.

“A what now?”

“A…nevermind did I wake you?”

“No…the neighbor across the hallway has some crazy work hours I guess and they are making a lot of noise right outside the door”

“Funny, I myself am standing right outside my door looking for my keys”

“Hey doc, what are you wearing?”

“Why would you ask me– should I be the one aski-what?”

“Humor me for a sec yea?”

“Uh, black and white converse, a blue sock with rockets and green socks with donuts, black dress pants, White shirt with a-”

Suddenly he hears y/n laugh, a noise he knew he would always want to hear and she continued for him, “with a gray cardigan and a brown leather satchel across your body?”

“Uh yeah how did you know?”

Spencer then hears his neighbors door open and hears the same laugh he heard moments ago, “well it looks like the annoying neighbor that won’t let me sleep is my very own doctor handsome”

Startled, Spencer just stands there not knowing what to do. He is just admiring how the halfway light is casting a reflecting glow on y/n. Quickly gaining his confidence back he clears his throat before saying,  “my apologies for not letting you sleep, mind accompanying me for a late-night cup of coffee.” And at that moment they both knew that whatever new chapter was beginning in their lives, it would be one they would remember all too well.

*4 months later*

“Dr. Reid, could we talk for a quick minute?”

Spencer could quickly tell that his friend was nervous, Anderson kept shifting from side to side, not meeting his eyes and picking at his nails.

“Anderson, please we’ve been working together for how long? It feels weird that you call me Dr. every time.”

“About four months ago I couldn’t help but overhear  Penelope and Derek talking about a dating profile you have…or had”

“I KNEW IT. I knew it had to be one of them that did it”

“No, actually it was me”

“…you? Anderson but why?”

“Well, you see during JJ and Will’s wedding you got drunk and began telling me about how lonely you felt so I just thought… I’m sorry if I caused you any problems”

Spencer couldn’t help but notice how much his colleague cared about him and smiled. And shock Anderson by saying, “well, thanks to you I’m thinking about asking y/n to move in. We live across the hallway anyways and hey, promise me that if we get married you’ll officiate the wedding, after all, we met because of you.”

*two weeks later*

Spencer: would your life to move in with me sunshine?

y/n: bubs, I'm standing right next to you can’t you just ask

Spencer: but we met this way :(

y/n: I would love to move in with you my love.

Spencer: great! Now can we please cuddle?

y/n: I love you, dork

Spencer: ily2

Bonus Scene

Doctor Handsome,

I cannot find the words to express how much these past few weeks have meant to me by getting to know you. I have to say that it's kind of frightening that I don’t know you at all yet I feel like I met you 20 years ago. All this time I have felt like just another face in the crowd and I keep finding myself reaching out for you, terrified of knowing if you would ever love me. Because I know that you could be the one that I love, you are the one that I dream of and all I can do is send this message in a book, waiting here hoping it gets to you.

Spencer kept looking down at the piece of paper he had tucked in his coat pocket and forgotten all about. It was at that moment that he felt y/n putting roots in his dreamland. He finally began to feel his dream would become a reality and he couldn't wait.

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[achillieus]

we’re fools (bucky barnes x reader)

summary: for all bucky barnes knows, he hates clichés. and this thing between you two, happens to be the biggest one.

(enemies to lovers trope or i watched the society on netflix recently and based this entirely on harry bingham and cassandra pressman)

pairing: college au!bucky x reader

warnings: alcohol, a lot of sexual references, but also a lot of fluff, bucky and reader are in love, also bucky gets cheesy and he hates it

(other parts)  (masterlist)

part 3/3:

Bucky thinks he fell in love on a Tuesday.

“This year, I’m gonna ask Peggy Carter out.” It’s the first day of their third semester and Steve is putting his black baseball cap in his perfect hair, checking his reflection on his phone screen. One of the freshman girls winks at him and he shyly half smiles.

Usually, Bucky would tease him about it, but now he’s attention is wholly on something else. Someone else.

A girl at the other end of the hall, holding a paper juice box, wearing a gaudy denim dress that stops right before her knees.

He’s certain he hasn’t seen her before and judging by the adrift look on her face he deduces she’s in her first year. Is she pretty? He can’t decide. She’s definitely something. And if he stares at her a bit longer than socially acceptable, well let’s say, it’s completely unintended.

“Buck, did you hear what I said?” Steve says at one point and Bucky isn’t sure for how long he has been lost in her figure.

“Yeah sure.” The girl starts walking at their direction -it must be your lucky day, Bucky-, clutching the golden heart jewel around her neck. She’s looking at the doors, she’s looking at the big campus map they have on the wall. She’s looking everywhere but at him and it’s almost offensive considering the amount of time he spent looking at her.

“I’m sorry,” And then she’s there standing a few steps behind Steve. Almost hidden behind his colossal demeanor. “I can’t seem to find the Admission Office.”

A small nervous laugh escapes her lips and Bucky watches the little wrinkles around her eyes, the subtle blush on her cheeks. She doesn’t look pretty. No. She looks consuming.

“Admission office is on the left, doll”. He replies a little too fast. He had to beat Steve. He had to talk to her.

She smiles at him and somehow, along that smile, Bucky thinks he fell in love. With you.

-

(bucky barnes has been in love with you for 563 days)

-

“Did you just kiss me?”

His voice is barely a whisper and his vision is blurry and it’s weird because suddenly he realizes how scared he’s of you. Of the power you have on him. An alarming craving. Every addiction he can’t control combined. Bucky isn’t afraid of many things, not exactly. But he’s afraid that you’ll take his heart and break it, if you want to. And he’s more afraid that he’ll just allow you to. He wonders, for the split of a second, if you have any idea how everything changed when your lips met his. How something inside of him shifted.

“I’m sorry,” You finally answer and he needs a moment to compose himself, “I’m so sorry I just thought-”

“Shut up, I’d died if you hadn’t kissed me.”

“What?”

It’s innocent and terribly oblivious, the way you ask him that and he half smiles, almost touches your palm before his mind stops racing. Ignores the alcohol in his body. Reminds him that he’s Bucky Barnes, that he’s clever and brilliant and a little bit narcissistic and that he doesn’t do love.  Not anymore. And that people adore him for that. And that he needs to uphold it. At least try to.

“I’m not repeating that soppy thing I said,” He drawls and smirks, his teeth gleaming in the fluorescent light of the hall. He has his mask back on. He’s playing his part again. And then he takes a quick step, opens his door and turns around, swift motions and hard grips and suddenly your spine hits the walls of his room. “But you can repeat that sexy thing you did with your tongue.”

Bucky isn’t stupid. He knows he’d perish and wither in a blast if you asked him to, yet he would never admit that. At least not so fast. And specially not to you. He has built his persona so carefully, wore it like an armor, it has become a second skin.

His chapped lips scratch soft against your neck, his hands play with the end of your dress and you observe the way his orbs are colored darker now. He knows what he’s doing. It’s a show he’s practiced. His touch is sharp, like a razor, cuts through your epidermis, comes close to your veins and the muscles of your heart.

And you’re ready to close your eyes, savor every minute of it, offer yourself like an altar and let him wipe the rationality out of you, but the moment his fingers find the wet silk between your legs there’s pain and your throat dries out instantly.

“Bucky, wait.”

“What’s wrong doll?”

“Can we stop?”

There’s the cruel split of a moment where the anxiety inside of you flares up dangerously and you fill like on the edge of a cliff, like falling and it’s horrible. And then you see his body relax, breathing a sigh of relief and laughing.

“Thank God you asked.”

“Barnes,” you hit him with your elbow, “You’re doing wonders for my self esteem right now!”

“You’re an idiot,” he replies with a grimace, “It’s just that I’m drunk and I prefer if I’m not drunk when we have sex. I want to remember the whole thing.”

A strange sensation tingles somewhere between your ribs and your stomach, something so pure and new, and it raises goosebumps all over you. And you smile at him.

And somehow along that smile, Bucky’s mask starts to fall.

/

Bucky Barnes, you learnt within your first month in college, is a year older than you, a proud boy that always asks the right questions and always gives the right answers, with charms and wits of a living god.

Bucky Barnes, you learnt the night you kissed him in the narrow aisle, may have a sharp tongue but he also has the sweetest lips, soft and liqueur like.

Bucky Barnes, you learn some days later, doesn’t want many people to know about you two, and sits three tables away during lunch.

/

“Are you embarrassed of me?”

Your mind is racing with dozens of hurtful possibilities, some more or less, and Bucky looks at you, eyes widen and surprised.

“Why would I be embarrassed of you?”

“I don’t know,” you take the tea cup in your hands, drink and stay silent for a while, observe the way he’s fidgeting with his fingers, “Why else would you avoid me whenever there’s someone else but Sam around?”

It takes some time before he walks closer, sits next to you by his bedframe and touches your hand, your skin freezing under his.

“I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

Your heart almost stops, because Bucky is never scared, and his answer feels strangely heavy and bitter from his lips when he says, “I just don’t want anyone to ruin this.”

He doesn’t smile, doesn’t even smirk like he usually does, just stares at you with narrow eyes and a quick breath.

“Bucky, I hate it to break it to you,” you say, a glint of amusement in your voice, “But I don’t think others care that much about us.”

You cup his face in your hands, guide him backwards, his back hitting the pillow and it’s the first time he has no choice but to comply.

“And even if they do,” you breath in, wet your lips and tease the corner of his mouth with your finger, “It’s not our problem.”

Bucky grabs the back of your neck, shifts even closer to you, his heart not missing a beat. And when you kiss him, he smiles. And somehow along that smile, Bucky becomes more of himself.

/

It goes like this;

People read it in his eyes. How his gaze never leaves you even while you’re writing a test and he needs to concentrate, how he looks mesmerized when you braid your hair while scanning the textbook in front of you. How he could find you even in the middle of the biggest crowd.

People see it in your reactions. How your fingers always wrap around his wrist, almost instinctively, before he leaves, and you kiss him one time on the lips, and then one more on the cheek. How your voice changes as soon as he enters the room. How you’d know he’s here even without looking.

You really have to try to be oblivious to love.

/

(text messages between classes)

(10:26 AM) bucky: hey does taylor swift have to be playing in the background when we have sex

(10:27 AM) you: it’s not even noon bucky what the hell

(10:27 AM) bucky: i went through your spotify and APPARENTLY you have a  “🍆🍆🍆” playlist

(10:27 AM) bucky: and it’s just taylor swift and hozier???

(10:27 AM) bucky: who the hell wants to have sex with a taylor swift song playing

(10:28 AM) you: I’m gonna kill you

(10:28 AM) bucky: nah <3

/

It’s surprisingly easy, dating Bucky Barnes, and by the end of the first month, you feel at home, at ease.  He talks a lot, way more than you expected him to, he shares his favorites, the way he always underlines quotes he likes in the books he’s reading or how he never eats anything that has soy in it. He shows you everything about him, not just who he is, but who he’s ever been. And it’s beautiful.

And you observe how he breathes easier now, smiles more. He doesn’t keep his guard up, doesn’t flinch when nobody’s looking at him.

/

He thinks it’s weird.

He thinks it’s weird, because kissing has always been an act of foreplay to him and he never paid much attention, but now, with you, he could spend his whole life kissing you.

But when you start pulling at the buttons of his black expensive shirt, well, it’s not like he’s complaining. He presses his body against yours, his hands almost shaking, his fingers burying in your hair, slowly tugging.

“Bucky,” You breath in his neck, “I may be bad at this.”

“What?” He whispers as he leaves wet trails all the way to your chest.

“I haven’t done this before, so I may be bad at it.”

He stares right at your lips, notices your sweet cherry scent mixing with the sharp notes of his aftershave, touches the spot under your eyes and smiles.

“Guess we’ll have to do it over and over again then.” He’s half laughing, half kissing your shoulder and you can feel your cheeks flush and your entire being tighten.

And then his cold fingertips draw circles on your inner thighs and you close your eyes, and Bucky forgets how to breath.

/

“I probably sound like a fool but, I’m in love with you.”

You didn’t plan on saying it that early, but he’s here, warm and glistening and in your arms and you can’t go another minute without hearing the words out loud.

“And I probably sound competitive but, I’ve been in love with you since God knows when.”

/

(AH IT’S FINISHED BUT YAY THEY���RE IN LOVE)

tagging: @tonystankschild @osterfieldshollandgirl​ @roguesthetic @buckyjms​ @ohladymacbeth​

[freedomseeker91]

10 Major Takeaways From Grammy Winner Beca Mitchell’s Instagram Live Chat: “I didn’t want to be taken advantage of”

On her early diagnosis:

“I didn’t know what was wrong with me specifically, but I knew that whatever was going on inside my head wasn’t right. I would have these moments of clarity where I would be like I’m not okay, but then there would be this switch and it was like everything would get turned upside down on its head and I was just holding on for dear life.”

On learning to accept her illness:

“Honestly when I was finally diagnosed it was like this combination of relief because it finally had a name, but also fear. Because the reality is, you’re living with this illness that can consume you so completely and push you to the edge of life and questioning how do I relate to people anymore. It took a really long time for me to come to a place of acceptance and a lot of it happened once I started to learn how to handle it.”

On keeping her secret from the public:

“I’ve lived with so much anxiety for so many years worrying about relapsing or having my condition revealed when I wasn’t ready. When you live under a microscope you don’t have the luxury of much privacy. And then you also have the added stress of the pressure to perform and be at your best not wanting to let anyone down. I didn’t actively go out of my to hide it, I just didn’t want the attention. The media and social media can be very unforgiving and unrelenting.”

On why she chose to open up now:

“Seeing what Britney went through, it got to me in a way I didn’t think anything outside of my immediate circle could. That person could’ve very easily been me. There are systems in place that allow callous people to take advantage of people who are perceived by the eyes of the law as vulnerable. If god forbid I ever relapsed I would hope, with advances we have in treating mental illness, that I would be taken care of, not locked in a prison I can’t escape from. I didn’t want to be seem as someone who could be taken advantage of. I don’t want to be taken advantage of and I don’t want to see this happen to somebody else.”

On living with bipolar disorder on a daily basis:

“I’m not gonna say it’s easy. I take meds every day to sit here and be the person that I am right now, in control of my mind and my thoughts. But there are still hard days. I’ll always live with the worry that I will have a relapse or that some day I’ll forget to take my medication and I’ll spiral. But it’s all part of the process, one that I’m still learning and building on every day.”

On the stigma surrounding mental illness and Bipolar Disorder:

“I do think we are getting better at acknowledging mental illness and mental health, but there’s still a long way to go. I mean, even hearing the term Bipolar Disorder, a lot of people still have this perception that if you have it you’re incapable of functioning and that’s not the case at all. It’s such a treatable illness but it does need to be treated. Once you get on that path, your life is yours to do whatever you want with it. If you can keep yourself on track nothing can stop you.”

On whether or not her illness interferes with her career:

“I’m not gonna sit here and say every day is perfect. Like I’ve said there’s a lot of pressure and expectation working in this industry and you’re dealing with all that while having the eyes of the world watching you. There are days where I definitely feel my mind begin to waver especially if I’m stressed. But as I said before those are the moments where I need to check in on myself and make sure that nothing comes before keeping my mind in a good place. If it’s not, then I need to take myself out of the game and recalibrate.”

On finding her soulmate and handling her illness as a couple:

“Having that person who sees you for who you are and not just as this illness, honestly it can completely change how you see yourself. From the day Chloe and I met she has never once made me feel like my Bipolar is bigger than me. Yes it’s a part of me, and we deal with it together, but it doesn’t define me. When I’m with Chloe I feel like the best version of me I could ever hope to be. Being with her has given me focus and purpose in a way not even music could. She’s the lighthouse that calls me home when the tide turns and I feel like I can’t make it back to shore. She is the safest place I could ever hope to land .”

On why she chose the Mind Over Matter Live to share her story:

“This space was created to remind people about how important our mental health is and to create a community where people who are struggling can feel seen and be heard. If ever I was gonna share my story this is the safest place I could have ever done it. Where better to share your story than with the person who makes you feel the safest right by your side in a community that embraces peoples struggles instead of forcing them into the shadows. I’m so proud of Chloe for creating Mind Over Matter and being such a force for good.”

On her hopes for the future:

“The only thing I could ever hope for is to be a small part in this ripple effect that is pushing for change. If my story helps one person then it’s totally worth it. If it somehow reaches someone in their time of need and proves to them that you can be okay, that you can take on the world and win I couldn’t ask for more. For me personally, I just want to marry the love of my life, build a family, keep making music and keep my mind on the right track, cause that’s all that matters.”

[myhoneststudyblr]

every single student in the world has likely procrastinated at some point - i know i definitely have! sometimes i think it can be quite helpful because means that you don't spend every minute of every day studying... but on the other hand, it can become very hard to beat. there are so many advice posts in the community on this topic but i thought that i would share my own tips! 

disclaimer: everyone studies differently and these are my personal tips. they may not work for you but they can be a good starting point 

What is Procrastination?

i found this little summary of procrastinating on the internet and thought it completely covered everything that i wanted to say on this point:

Procrastination is the habit of delaying an important task, usually by focusing on less urgent, more enjoyable, and easier activities instead. It is different from laziness, which is the unwillingness to act.

Procrastination can restrict your potential and undermine your career. It can also disrupt teamwork, reduce morale, and even lead to depression and job loss. So, it's crucial to take proactive steps to prevent it.

The first step to overcoming procrastination is to recognize that you're doing it. Then, identify the reasons behind your behavior and use appropriate strategies to manage and overcome it.

- How to Stop Procrastinating by Mindtools

so what is learnt from this is that:

procrastination is not being lazy 

it is avoiding tasks by doing other easier tasks

it can have negative effects

you need to proactively take steps to avoid it 

first, recognise the procrastinating then use strategies to break the cycle

Conventional Tips

these are the basic tips that are some of the most well-known strategies for ending procrastination and can be some of the most important steps!

1. get organised. tidy up your desk to study space because there is nothing worse than having to work in a place that is chaotic and mess. collect the information you need for the task, for example, notes you've made or a textbook. 

2. to-do lists are your friend. a lot of people (including me) really struggle with timetables for studying because it can seem really structured and there is no flexibility or real allowance for things that may crop up during the day (your food takes longer to cook, you have to unexpectedly do a task around the house, you get a really bad headache and need to take a break). in my opinion, to-do lists help solve this problem! you can clearly see the tasks that you want to get done for the day but you don't have stressful time constraints. personally, i always use todoist to keep track of everything. to-do lists also make it easier to break tasks down

3. break the task down. one of the biggest cause of procrastination is having a huge task or project ahead of you because it seems really daunting and where on earth are you even going to start? so break it down *completely*. in your to-do list, don't just write ‘german homework’, write down even task that you need to do within it and be specific: for example ‘pg. 11 ex 4a, 4b and 4c’, ‘textbook listening task on pg. 47′ and ‘250-word essay on social media in Germany’. breaking it down makes the tasks seem more attainable and when you’ve done one and you can cross it off your list, it gives you a boost to keep going

4. eliminate distractions. this is a big one. even if you do all of the above, if you are constantly being distracted by things, you aren't going to get much done. try to find a place that is quiet enough that you can focus and you feel comfortable studying in. as well as this you need to think about what to do with your phone as the likelihood is that this will be the most distracting thing. you can simply turn it off, put on do not disturb, leave it in another room or use and app like forest (that last one is what i use and i don't know where i would be without it!)

5. use incentives. finishing a task is an achievement so treat it like one! before you study, decide on something that you will give yourself as a reward for doing it. this may be watching that new episode of your favourite programme or a tasty snack! 

6. set timers. don't just launch yourself into a task, because that again can make it seem daunting and feel unending. rather, set a timer for a specific time because you’ll know that you just need to focus for that specific length of time and then you can go take a break and do something nice. for timing your study sessions, you could use the Pomodoro technique 

7. allow for breaks (but try to avoid long ones). you are not a machine and as much as it would be great to be able to, you cant study for hours on end without giving your mind a break from focusing. so schedule in break time for yourself, particularly for times that you know your motivation dips, and do something nice. but be very careful that you don't accidentally slip back into procrastinating habits and keep breaks short. unless you are very disciplined it is unlikely that an hour-long break will stay just an hour.

8. know how you study but don’t be afraid to mix it up. everyone studies differently and so there are going to be some study methods that work better for some than others. so try to make sure that you are studying smart and that you aren't wasting your own time cause that can be incredibly unmotivating. HOWEVER, if there is anything that I’ve learnt from online school its that doing the same task all the time, every day is mind-numbingly boring and you just want to do anything else. so try to switch up what you are doing. if you usually just type notes from the textbook, maybe try doing it in a mindmap one week, or on flashcards, maybe do some practise questions to keep your mind engaged. 

9. play music. now this one really depends on the person and how you study. some people need absolute silence and that is fine, but others need something to fill the silence or maybe cover up background noise (for example if you live in a busy household). try to pick music however that is not going to distract you - the key tips for this is to pick music without lyrics. this can be classical music, video game music, or general ‘chill’ music (there are so many playlists out there for chill studying music). i personally listen to Francesco Parrino religiously while studying because he does piano covers of pop songs, so i know the songs and enjoy them but there are no lyrics that can distract me 

10. stay hydrated, well-rested and not hungry. this is part of eliminating distractions because if you are thirsty, you are going to be thinking about how you want a drink; if you are tired, you are going to be thinking about how tired you are; if you are hungry, you are going to be thinking about what you want for lunch or whatever. make sure you are hydrated, well-rested and not hungry so you can focus solely on your task or work.

Unconventional Tips

these are some slightly more unusual tips that you might not have seen before but that I've nevertheless found very useful!

1. video yourself or do a timelapse. this is something that I’ve only recently done because i saw a tip on this from someone during my quarantine challenge and thought that it would be cool to do. and it really works! i did it twice once when i was typing notes and a second time when i was handwriting notes and it really made me focus on what is as doing because the video put some pressure on me to look like i was properly studying - i could take a 5-minute break in the middle of my work to mess around with my pen, I just had to keep going so it really forces you to do the work. also watching the video when i was done made me really proud cause i had visual proof of how much i completed!

2. accept that some days you are going to get very little done. this may seem a little bit odd to put on a post that is meant to avoid getting nothing done but it’s actually a very important thing to remember. sometimes you need to take days off because otherwise you are going to burnout and some days you are just not going to be in the right mindset for studying because maybe you are exhausted after a big exam, or you have a headache or you feel unwell. you just need to accept it, draw a line under it, take time for yourself, and resolve yourself to work tomorrow once you feel a bit better. there is no shame in taking time to make sure you stay healthy. if you can, try to get your quickest, easiest task done so you have some sense of accomplishment.

3. ‘churn it out and f**k off’. this was my mum’s motto when she was studying and working in academia. and she recently told it to me when i was getting stressed about all the big tasks during online school. i am a perfectionist and i always want to hand in my very best work, put 100% into everything, but honestly that is impossible. some days you just need to get stuff done and if that isn't your very best then it doesn't matter too much because at least you got it done. and once you get it done you can just forget about it.

4. ask a friend or parent to check up on you. when you are studying by yourself it can be hard to motivate yourself because you know that no ones actually going to check whether you made those votes or did the reading, so ask a friend or someone you live with to check whether you've done the work or get them to read essays. you then get an external reason to study or do your tasks because you need to show them something.

5. rephrase how you think of tasks. when you think that ‘you need to do this task’ or ‘you have to get this done’, a lot of the time this causes unneeded stress and anxiety that is not going to help you at all. also it makes it seem like you are being forced to do something and human beings generally don't act great when they are forced to do something. so try to change your language when thinking about task into one that is more forgiving such as ‘i choose to do this project so that i can go meet my friends tomorrow’ and ‘i choose to read this book now because it will help me in the lecture next week’. this is probably the most difficult strategy on this list and it will take a lot of practice (i am certainly still practising it) but in the long term, it can help you change the way in which you view studying for the better. 

✨✨✨

i hope this was helpful and that these tips will be useful, and perhaps you've discovered some new ones! if anyone has anything to add please feel free to reply or reblog with the advice <3

[scroll-of-thought]

Hi I'm a witch of 2 years and I have been trying out enchanting objects.So far it's good. Now, I have a present that I want to give to my sister for Christmas (I'm in the broom closet), and I want to enchant them to give her a successful relationship with her new boyfriend.Thing is enchantments can wear off, and I would like to know if there's a way to make it stick. For reference, the gift is salt and pepper shakers that are glass cats.I'm going for the two cats symbolizing them (a perfect duo)

Ah, this is another good question. Enchantment, like many other kinds of spells, can indeed wear off or generally run out of energy. There’s a really simple trick I use to keep them topped off and functioning. The general idea is to build in a recharging function. So a few days ago I made this post about a simple enchanting method using sigils to create the core concept of an enchantment. In summery, you make a sigil using your favorite method, converting a thought into a sentence, then into a symbol on paper. Then you use transfer that sigil to an object (not write it on the object, the object becomes the newest incarnation of the sigil), and now that object is enchanted with the sigil’s properties, because it IS the sigil.

Well, designing a sigil’s looks is only part of the process. For active sigils (oppose to passive sigil of chaos magic) you normally have to find a method of charging the sigil with energy and then cast the sigil using a separate trigger. This can be something as simple as sitting in the moonlight to gather energy then casting by touching it in your pocket. And these kinds of sigils can be recharged and used over and over again.

Similarly, jar spells are another kind of spell that can be recharged or reinvigorated by shaking, or adding more contents to the jar. They’ll last as long as you keep feeding them energy.

Simply put, you just need to design the spell to have a recharge function, like these other kinds of spells. An example I’ve used is I made a necklace for my partner. I designed it to take her anxiety, eat it as a fuel source, and give her clarity and calm in return. This spell never needs to be recharged because it’s takes energy from it’s surroundings and use it to cast the spell. If there’s no anxiety, the spell isn’t needed and lies dormant. Other recharge methods I’ve used are sun and moon light (you just leave the object out to gather light near a window), the heartbeat of the wearer, movement over distance (this was for a keychain that travels about 40 miles a day), and a bunch of other things.

The important parts of designing a spell with an automatic recharge and cast are to remember the following things.

Choose a recharge method that will be equivalent or greater to the effect of the spell, at least on a symbolic level. The owl necklace eat one strong emotion to produce a calmer one. The keychain eat movement to reduce lazing around and getting drunk. The heartbeat necklace was a protection charm, that felt heartbeats to provide future heartbeats.

Build in conditions and clauses into your enchantment. Once this thing is self perpetuating and sitting in your sister’s kitchen, it’ll be hard for you to break the spell if her and her boyfriend don’t work out a year or 10 down the road. You don’t want to accidentally keep them together if it would be better for them to mutually break up. Some things to consider would be:

What the spell should do if their relationship turns sour

When not to act (just as important as when to act imo)

conditions of who it should directly effect (any owner, just you sister and/or her bf, does it nullify if thrown out/lost and has no owner?)

Limits to how much energy the thing can take, and from where it’s allowed to take. You really don’t want to accidentally make a psychic vampire salt shaker. I like to include the concept of “excess” in my spell creations, with the specific definition of excess being “energy that would have otherwise gone to waste or not affected the outcome of events had it not been used to fuel this spell”

Build in a kill switch. If all else fails, you should create a connected spell specifically to tell it to stop functioning. I’ve done this in the past by pairing the object to a piece of paper with the name of the object on it. I tell the object to stop casting the spell if any part of the paper is burned or ripped/cut through the name written on the paper. This is an extra important one for any spell/enchantment that affects someone else’s life.

Self recharging and conditionally/constantly casting spells can be a very powerful and very awesome tool in your witchcraft, especially with things like enchantments on objects, but there’s a little more potential for danger, so make sure you take precautions and think through your spells.

So some methods specifically for your kitty shakers could be something like “the cat’s each representing the salt and spice of their relationship. Being used/the contents being shaken/the salt and spice passing through them charges them and promotes healthy communication and respect” but that doesn’t work so well if they’re just left unused. You don’t want them to go “oh, well they were too nice to use, so they just sit on the shelf” and then you get no charging. Maybe have it absorb the excess energy from their sharing a meal together, or preparing a meal for one another. So even if they’re sitting somewhere unused, they still get healthy energy from a healthy relationship. That’s definitely another condition you’ll want to think about since how they use them will be out of your hands, and you’re in the broom closet, so you can’t be like “Hey sis, I enchanted this to give you and your bf a fruitful relationship. Shake these little guys once a week at least.”

This is one of those things where you know your sister and the spell you’re going to make better anyone on the internet could guide you with, so take the example’s I’ve given and start designing. I’m always here if you need someone to bounce ideas off, brainstorm, or just want another pair of eyes to look it over and see if you missed anything. I hope this helped you out, and thanks for the ask!

[killyourpoet]

What to expect on 12th September? (NEET 2021)

Hey everybody, if you're appearing for the NEET 2021 exam this Sunday (12th September 2021), I've compiled a list of some important things you might want to keep in mind.

The National Entrance-cum-Eligibility Test (NEET) is the national medical entrance exam in India. It is the only gateway into all medical schools in the country. It is conducted annually around May, but due to the COVID-19 pandemic, it has been postponed to September in 2020 and 2021. This year, 1.6 million students will be appearing for the exam.

[This list is by no means exhaustive, I only speak from my experience and the advice of friends and teachers. Feel free to add anything I might have missed out!]

How to make the most of this last week before the exam?

Do not experiment with anything new. Doing so might disturb the delicate subconscious programming that your brain has undergone through all these months of studying and practicing. By experimentation, I mean anything other than the routine that you've built while solving question papers. If you're used to starting with Biology, then moving on to Chemistry and ending with Physics, do not attempt to spice up your 3 hours by indulging in adventure sports like staring with Physics first. This will end in disaster.

Look through all the important things at least once. I know, I know. That's 10 fat books in one week. But remember that this is not the first time you're reading it. Skim. When you catch on something you're not too familiar with, only then should you actually read.

NCERT = holy book. Idk if you've heard but actually reading the books prescribed by the examining body will most definitely give you an edge over someone who hasn't. I cannot stress this enough. They will LITERALLY take out things from the NCERT and slap that onto the paper and call it a day. Remember that the examiners have to cater to those who do not have access to / cannot afford any sort of study material other than the NCERT. While study guides can help you interpret the NCERT, they cannot substitute it.

Have a plan. It doesn't have to be grand or very detailed. Just clearly defining what you intend to do with your time will suffice.

Set your internal clock. Practice at least one exam a day from 2:00 pm to 5:00 pm IST because that's when the actual exam is held. You want to maximize concentration and attention at that time of the day.

Practice answering on OMR sheets. This year, because of COVID, all your mock tests were probably online. In that case, take a few hours to practice exams on the OMR. The time management on that is very different from online exams.

Eat well. Remember to drink plenty of water. Try to eat things that have come directly from the earth and onto your plate. I know it's hard and the anxiety is enough to make you under eat / overeat but messing up because of something as trivial as meal choices would kinda suck tbh. Please do not eat an entire large pizza all by yourself the day before the exam. Stay the hell away from carbonated drinks for at least this one week. I am begging you. You might not notice but they seriously mess with your head. Whole foods are the way 2 go babes

What to expect on the day of the examination?

The NTA will be releasing the admit cards 3 days before the exam. Your exam centre and time slot to show up will be mentioned on it. This is most probably done to (a) prevent unfair practices and (b) give students enough time to visit the centre.

Know your exam centre beforehand. If you're living with your parents who will be driving you to the centre, you could even ask them to visit the centre the day before just so you don't waste time searching for the centre on the day of the exam. Believe me, a lot of people have lost an entire year because of this.

The peeing. Listen. They'll allow you to go to the washroom in the middle of the exam, of course. But if you ask me, try to avoid getting up to pee. Try to time your water such that you wouldn't have to pee during the exam. Please make sure you pee right before the exam. Idk about you but the exam pee has always been a real problem for me and together with my anxiety, it has ruined a lot of exams. It also breaks your momentum and you'll have to re-orient yourself when you get back. NEET isn't like JEE - it's not about how smart you are, it's about how efficient and accurate you are, because that's what a doctor needs to be.

Eat a light, nutritious meal. Something that'll give you energy but isn't too hard to digest. You don't want to nod off during the exam. That would be highly inconvenient.

Be on time. If you don't turn up on time, no matter what, you will not be allowed inside. Again, a lot of people I know have messed up here.

Security check. You will be checked before entering the centre. Do not wear anything dark (black, dark blue, dark brown etc). Do not wear jeans or any tight clothes. All your clothes must fit loosely and they must be light. This is done to prevent people from sneaking in transmission devices. If you wear long sleeves, you will be asked to cut them then and there. Do not wear heavily embroidered clothes. Do not have any metal on you. Take off all jewelry at home. If you wear a bra, remember to wear a sports bra or one that doesn't have any metal hooks. You can't wear shoes - your feet must be visible. Wear flip-flops or thin sandals. People have been made to take off their shoes before and write the exam barefoot. They will provide a fresh mask at the centre and gloves. This time, due to COVID-19 restrictions, they will not be doing body pat frisking, they will not be checking your ears and mouth. There will be bluetooth jammers in the exam hall to prevent any transmissions and the entire exam will be videographed.

Stay calm. I know it looks like a high security airport check and you'll probably be scanned several times and subjected to several layers of screening but remember - this is done so that nobody has an unfair advantage over you. India has incredibly clever people, but sometimes for the wrong reasons.

While writing the exam:

Don't panic. If you see a question that looks hard do! not! panic! because we always know more than we think we do!! Wait a second, linger for a moment and the answer should come to you.

Know what to leave. If you aren't aiming to get a perfect 720/720 then you should leave time consuming questions and try to do as many questions you know as possible. If you are aiming for a perfect score, do the same but remember that you need to leave sufficient time at the end to come back to them.

Repeat. Remember - this is just another one of the hundreds of exams you've done. Follow the same strategy you're used to. Most definitely DO NOT experiment in the final exam.

Lastly, always remember that ur super cool and smart and amazing and one mistake won't define you. Your worth is inherent and not determined by an exam. Your timeline is very different from someone else's. This is not a race, it's about doing things right. Your physical and mental health are more important than anything else in life. Do your best today and try again tomorrow. And then the day after that.

If you have any questions, feel free to message me :))

Best of luck!!

— Svante

[tchallasbabymama]

Ménage à Trois Chapter 8

Hey lovelies, here’s the next chapter of Ménage à Trois a day early! I’ll be honest, I only had 10 chapters mapped out for this originally, but I’m not really ready to let them go just yet so I’m thinking this story might end at around 13 chapters. We’ll see. 

Check out my masterlist to read my other stories, and let me know if you want to be tagged in anything! Enjoy 😘 

Word Count: 6594

CW: smut

T’Challa sat back in his desk chair and let out a deep sigh. It had been a rough week trying to convince the US government to continue their cooperation without Theodore, but they eventually came around and “allowed” the liaison position to replace an ambassador. It didn’t help that Theodore had been bad-mouthing Zora and the king to anyone who would listen, and unfortunately, lots of people listened. That is until some of those photos of Theodore and his mistress were mysteriously sent to Mrs. Thompson’s phone from an unknown number. That shut him up real quick. However, some of the damage had already been done. Thankfully, Zora had no interest in working in the world of politics and could care less about her reputation among that crowd.

Not only had the week been difficult because of work, but T’Challa was also missing his lady. Zora had flown back to New York to pack up her life, and she would be back in about a week, but he couldn’t wait that long. By the time three days had passed, he was already getting antsy. “Is this what it is like when I go on missions?” he wondered to himself.

He missed her loud laughter and the twinkle in her eye when she looked up at him. It just wasn’t the same seeing her in hologram form; it wasn’t anywhere close to as good as the real thing. Despite that, he looked forward to her morning calls. She would call him as she got ready for bed and tell him about her day as she detangled her hair, and T’Challa loved watching the look of determination on her face as she worked her way through every curl and kink. Some nights it was hidden under a solid layer of clay, and he’d tease her about looking like Hulk in her green mask. He didn’t get to see her like that often, but he liked it, and he wanted more of it. Something about seeing her in that relaxed state made him want to lay his head on her chest and doze off with her, but, unfortunately, as her day was winding down, his was picking up. He smiled as he thought back to their conversation earlier that day and the words that almost left his mouth when they said goodbye.

“I love you.”

He almost said it. He wasn’t sure where it came from, but it felt as natural as breathing.

“Sweet dreams, Babygirl. I...will talk to you tomorrow.” He had caught himself right before the words came tumbling out, but she didn’t notice his awkwardness thanks to a yawn that overtook her as he spoke. When she ended the call, he sat there in a stupor, unable to wrap his mind around what had just happened. It’s not that he couldn’t believe he was falling in love with Zora, that was pretty easy for him to believe, but T’Challa was surprised at how deeply he felt the words as they sat on his tongue. They were his truth that even he didn’t know until that moment. He felt a warm glow emanating from within him as he thought about his feelings for her, but it was quickly tamped out by the looming anxiety of what he knew he had to do regarding his other truth. T’Challa had no doubt in his mind that he loved Zora, but he had been lying to her the whole time about who and what he was. She had been kept in the dark about his identity because of her ties to the U.S. government, but T’Challa couldn’t hide behind that excuse anymore. 

A call interrupted his thinking, and his mother’s image was projected into the air.

“Molo, mama.”

“Molo, unyana. Are you busy?”

“Not too busy for you.”

“That’s exactly what I wanted to hear. Change into something you can get dirty and come down to the garden.”

Ramonda ended the call before he could protest, and he chuckled, knowing she did it on purpose. The king stood and stretched out his body after sitting for so long, and he left his office to change into something a little less royal.

“How are you today, mama?” T’Challa asked as he kissed Ramonda’s cheek, interrupting the song she was humming as she watered her hanging flowers. 

“You would know if you hadn’t skipped breakfast,” she taunted with an eyebrow raised as he smiled sheepishly back at her.

“I did not skip breakfast. I just had it in my quarters.”

“Mmmhm. Talking to Zora again?”

T’Challa playfully rolled his eyes and groaned. “Mama-”

“Don’t ‘mama’ me, boy. I already know,” she knelt down on her padded mat as she watered her fire lilies. “You know, in all the weeks she has been here, I have been able to spend very little time with her. Hopefully, that will change soon.” She eyed her son, and he nodded under her piercing glare.

“Yes, ma’am. I believe you will like her.”

“Oh, I already do. Zora is a lovely girl, T’Challa. You have chosen well, but then again, you always have had good taste in women.”

“Of course I do; I learned from the best,” he smiled at her as he crouched down and started pulling weeds.

“So, how is she?”

Ramonda smiled to herself as she watched T’Challa’s face brighten at the thought of her. 

“Zora is well. She is still wrapping up loose ends in New York, but she is excited about her new job when she gets back.”

“I cannot say I am surprised at her appointment. She seems perfect for the position.”

“She is, mama...she is,” he said with a far-off look on his face and a dreamy smile holding firm on his cheeks.

“I bet. Have you told her yet?”

T’Challa’s voice caught in his throat.

“No, not exactly-”

“T’Challa!”

“I know, I know,” he rubbed the back of his neck, completely forgetting about the dirt on his hands.

“They have been here how long now, three months? You need to tell that girl before you make it worse than it already is. You should have told her the moment you decided you wanted to be with her.”

“It was not that simple.”

“And why not?” she asked with a hand on her hip.

“We went into this thinking there would be an end date,” he sighed. “Zora would leave soon and go back to America, so there was no need to get serious. She had already been looking for other jobs because she hated working under Theodore, but our relationship ended up blooming into this big, beautiful thing. It became more than I expected it to be, but now it might all come crumbling down because I have been keeping a huge part of myself from her. And M’Baku had to keep my secret, too...I do not think it will go well for either of us, but myself especially.” 

The king pulled the unwanted plants from the ground and roughly threw them in a large basket, taking his frustration out on the soon-to-be compost. Ramonda looked over at her son, and her eyes softened at the sad furrow in his brow. She reached out and placed her hand over his.  “Unyana, the longer you wait, the worse the outcome will be.”

“I just do not know how to come out and say ‘hey Zora, I have been lying to you this entire time’ without hurting her.”

“It might be inevitable, T’Challa, but that is not to say she will not eventually come around.”

“I hope so,” he sighed, and the two of them went back to gardening in comfortable silence. After a few more minutes of the hot sun beating down on them, Ramonda spoke again.

“So you said she is still seeing M’Baku?”

“Yes, and I believe things are going well.”

“Good for her. Does he love her as you do?”

“Yes, he-” A look of horror washed over T’Challa’s face while a smirk settled on his mother’s. 

“Do not look so surprised. You are always the last to know.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, everyone can see how much you love that girl. Have you considered a future for your relationship?”

“So diplomatic. Is this how I sound to everybody?” T’Challa chuckled. Ramonda lightly slapped his arm, and he gave in. “Alright, alright. Yes, I have considered it.”

“But?”

“But it is complicated with M’Baku involved as well. Well, not complicated, but definitely something that requires a conversation.”

“A conversation you just now realized you need to have,” Ramonda said while slowly nodding along. “Well, your great-great-grandmother, Queen Asha, married both the River tribe and Border tribe chiefs. And I believe it was your great-great-great-great-grandfather, King Jidenna, who had seven wives.”

“That is entirely too many.”

“I agree, but what I am saying is do not worry about his relationship with her. It has no bearing on where yours can go. She would make an excellent queen and an excellent chieftess if I do say so myself.”

T’Challa smiled from ear to ear at the thought of Zora ruling beside him before looking down at his beads and noticing the time. He let out a deep sigh, having enjoyed his time spent with Ramonda but not wanting it to end so soon. His free time was over, and he had to get back to running his kingdom. He pulled the last few weeds out of the ground and carried the full basket over to the composter on the other side of the garden, dumping out the contents into the putrid container and shutting the lid tight. He waved goodbye to her as he walked back toward the palace, stuck in his head about how to tell Zora his secret. 

Ramonda sat back on her heels as he walked away, and she shook her head before turning back to her flowers and sighing. “T’Chaka, your son is a handful.”

--------

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

“I can’t see, T’Challa,” Zora giggled as he carefully led her out of the car and down the walkway of her new home. As part of her new job, she was given a choice between an upgraded suite at the palace or her own house. She sort of missed cooking for herself, so she chose the house. As much as she loved living in the palace, she had never lived alone before and jumped at the opportunity to get her Ari Lennox on. Besides, she could always stay with either of her boyfriends in their palaces whenever she wanted. 

T’Challa grabbed her waist to still her movement and pulled her flush against him, kissing behind her ear. “Are you ready?”

“Mmm, for what?” she asked as she bit her lip and wound her hips back on him. 

“Behave,” he rumbled in her ear, making her flood her panties. “Are you ready to see the house?”

“I’ve already seen it, baby; I picked it.”

“True, but you have not seen it like this.”

Zora felt his hands undo the sash, and as it fell away, her eyes slowly blinked open and focused on the vision before her. Her home was surrounded by a beautiful landscape of tropical flowers, and there was a swing to the right of the door. 

T’Challa held out his hand to her, and she took it, “There is more inside.”

Zora followed him into the house, and her jaw dropped. It was already decorated and furnished, and somehow it was exactly what she wanted, right down to the art on the walls. The plush teal velvet sectional was obviously the centerpiece of the living room, and she immediately walked over and ran her fingers along the soft fibers. She wandered into the kitchen and almost drooled when she saw that T’Challa had made sure it was fully stocked with her favorites. The six-burner stovetop caught her eye, and her wheels already started turning, bringing up memories of how she used to cook huge meals for her loved ones. She made a mental note to bring that energy to Wakanda and host some get-togethers.

She continued her self-guided tour with T’Challa on her heels and slowly made her way up the stairs and to her bedroom. T’Challa opened the door for her, and when she stepped through, her eyes became misty. 

“T’Challa...how did you do all of this? This is...this is perfect.” She walked to the four-poster canopy bed and sat down to test the mattress. “Yep, perfect.”

“Wait until you see the closet,” the king teased, laughing as Zora got up and ran to the closet doors. 

She flung them open and gasped, “T’Challa, you didn’t!” The closet had been expanded to fit her existing wardrobe and an entirely new wardrobe T’Challa had gifted her. She walked in and excitedly started flipping through the garments one at a time with a massive grin on her face. “This is too much.”

“Then stop smiling,” he walked closer and rested his hand on her hip as she continued to flip through the clothing rack. 

Zora turned around in his arms to thank him when she caught a glimpse of a full shoe rack on the other side of the closet. She damn near pushed T’Challa to the side and made her way over to the shoes in no time flat, picking up a simple pair of black stilettos and flipping them over to see the bright red soles.

“Holy shit, these are Louboutins.” She carefully placed them back as if they would break and turned to face her man. “How did you do all this? Everything is exactly what I wanted.”

“Keisha may or may not have shown me your “Home Sweet Home” Pinterest board.”

“Of course she did,” Zora laughed. When she stopped, her voice took on that smoky timbre it tended to get when she was aroused, “You know there’s one more thing I really wanted that I haven’t gotten yet.”

“And what is that?” He asked, closing the gap between them and tilting her chin up towards him. 

“We need to christen it.”

“How do we do that?” T’Challa captured her lips with his, and she melted into his arms.

“I want you to fuck me in every room in this house.”

“You haven’t even seen the home office or the meditation room yet-”

“I’ll see it later,” she reached up to undo his buttons, but he stopped her by grabbing her wrists in his hand.

“Don’t forget who’s in charge here.”

“I don’t care right now. Just fuck me.”

“You don’t care, eh? Alright, we will see,” he said as he picked her up and threw her over his shoulder.

“T’Challa, stop,” she giggled out.

“Nope, you said you want me to fuck you in every room. Let us go where your neighbors can watch me slut your pretty ass out,” he said with a slap to the back of her thigh.

Part of Zora wanted to protest. She didn’t need her introduction to the neighborhood to be her getting her back blown out by the king, but those feelings were overridden the moment he reminded her of her position.

He took her back downstairs and toward the back of the house to a wide-open sunroom. She could see her new neighbors relaxing in their backyard, and her heart rate picked up when he set her down. What Zora didn’t know yet was that although she could see them, they couldn’t see her through the glass thanks to Shuri’s cloaking tech, so the thrill of possibly getting caught washed over her from head to toe.

“Take off your dress.”

“You do it,” she teased.

“Zora, I will not repeat myself,” he growled as he walked her back towards the glass wall. Fear flashed in her eyes for half a second before it was replaced by lust. He had a way of doing that to her that nobody else had ever done before. His presence alone made her tremble, and her body did just that as her back hit the glass. Despite how his dominance made her body melt, she still felt like putting up a fight.

“Then I’m not doing it,” she crossed her arms and looked up at him with a smirk.

“Take off the fucking dress, Zora. Now,” he grabbed her jaw roughly and made her meet his piercing gaze. She shuddered but held firm until his hand traveled up her inner thigh and zeroed in on her clit. Zora moaned as his middle finger applied the perfect amount of pressure while moving around her clit in circles. “No panties today...I see you wanted this. Do my fingers feel good on your pussy?”

“Mhm,” she moaned out louder as her teeth lightly clamped down on her bottom lip. T’Challa’s fingers experimented with different speeds and pressures, not letting her get too used to any pattern before they dipped down and collected some of her wetness. Right as her moans grew louder and higher, he removed his fingers and stuffed them down her throat.

“What does that sweet pussy taste like today?”

“Hmm, an orange creamsicle?”

“Mmm. Too bad I won’t be tasting it.”

“What? Why not?” she whined.

“Because you are disobedient. A good little slut would have taken off her dress and sucked my dick right here when I told her to, but you chose not to be that today. You decided you’d rather push my buttons than get fucked like a good girl,” he leaned into her ear, “but now I have to fuck you like a bitch out of line. You have clearly forgotten my rules and need to be reminded who is in charge here.”

Zora’s breath caught in her chest as the king yanked her head back by her hair.

“No traffic lights tonight, just the safeword.” He bit her ear. “Say it.”

“Sunset,” she whispered.

“Take off your dress,” he murmured between bites to her neck and shoulder.

“Uh-uh,” Zora shook her head and smiled mischievously at T’Challa. He pushed her into the wall and ripped her dress down the middle. Before she could protest, his hand was covering her mouth.

“You are only making things worse for yourself. Now, get on your knees.”

Zora had one more ounce of defiance in her and shook her head again, her words muffled under his large hand. Without saying anything, T’Challa threw her over his shoulder again and crossed the room to sit in a chair by the glass wall. He set her down, throwing her over his lap while she squirmed in his grasp. He held her down with one hand and slapped both of her cheeks with the other. 

Zora cried out as he rained blow after blow down on her, alternating sides and watching her ass jiggle and redden. He spoke between slaps, “What are my rules?”

“I do what- Ow! I-I do what you say when you s-say it.”

Slap. 

“And?”

Slap.

“I am to call you Sir unless you give m-me permission otherwise,” she spoke as her eyes watered and he massaged her cheeks to relieve the burning.

“And what’s the last one, Babygirl?”

“Bratty behavior will get me punished.”

His hands both came down on her backside, and she yelled out his name, forgetting herself. T’Challa growled and pulled her off his lap as he stood up. “On your knees.”

She obeyed, and her legs shook as she carefully knelt down and sat on her haunches with her hands in her lap and her mouth wide open.

“Oh, now you want to be a good girl?” T’Challa laughed as he unzipped his pants and let them fall to the floor, freeing his already hard dick. He tapped it on her tongue as he teased, “Tired of being my bitch already?”

“No, Sir,” she said around the thickness of her tongue.

He grabbed her hair and tilted her head back before sticking out his tongue and allowing his spit to drip into her mouth. His tongue soon followed in a sloppy kiss. 

“Good. Now suck this dick.”

His grip on her hair tightened as her mouth enveloped him. Her long tongue flickered along the underside of his shaft as he carefully thrust his dick down her throat. Zora’s head swiveled up and down his length, taking every last inch like he had trained her to do. He held her head down when her nose reached his manicured pubic hair, and when he pulled her all the way off to see her face and his dick covered with spit, he couldn’t help but plunge back inside and fuck her face.

The wet sloshing sounds coming from Zora’s mouth were all that could be heard as T’Challa’s dick made itself at home in her throat. 

“Fuck, Babygirl, this throat,” T’Challa groaned, not letting up on her as involuntary tears fell from her eyes. He was used to that by now and simply ignored them as she looked up at him with her doe eyes. “You look so pretty like this, with my dick in your mouth.”

Zora moaned around him, and the vibrations made his toes curl.

“You were made to please me, and that is all you are good for. You are worthless without my dick in your mouth,” he pulled her head off his dick, marveling at the bridge of spit still connecting them. “Say it.”

“I’m worthless without your dick in my mouth,” she slurred.

“Good girl,” he chuckled darkly as his hand ran up and down his shaft while she looked up at him with hopeful eyes. “Not good enough yet, though.”

His hand sped up, and she could see his dick twitching, so she opened her mouth for him.

“Close that shit,” T’Challa seethed through his clenched teeth.

Zora shut her mouth, and shortly after, warm squirts of liquid painted her face as he grunted above her.

The next thing she knew, she was being pulled to her feet and her breasts were pushed up against the glass.

“All they have to do is look over here, and they will see you covered in my cum,” he whispered into her ear as he entered her from behind, “taking my dick like a good bitch. They can see how filthy you are.”

Her back arched as her hands pressed into the glass to steady herself. T’Challa’s hand found its way back to her curls and pulled her head back as his hips pistoned inside her. He licked a stripe from the base of her neck to her temple, tasting himself on her skin and making her shudder and clench around him. His other hand gripped her hip so tight it would probably leave a bruise as he pulled her ass back onto him. He wouldn’t even let her throw it back; he controlled every move her body made. He arched her back deeper, making her bend more at the waist. 

Zora’s eyes rolled to the back of her head when the hand on her hip moved down to circle her pearl again. She nearly lost her mind as his thrusts got deeper somehow, and his hips rolled into hers, stirring her insides, before removing his hand and going right back to his punishing strokes. Her already sore ass stung as his pelvis made contact, and his balls slapped her clit. He let go of her hair and grabbed both of her hips, fucking her deep as she screamed out for the heavens. Her body tensed up and released all over him. Her contracting walls almost brought him along with her, but his self-control was out of this world. T’Challa pulled out and turned her around, wrapping her legs around his waist and pushing her back into the glass as he thrust into her.

“T’Cha- Sir!”

He chuckled and whispered in her ear. “No, say my name Babygirl. I want them to know who you belong to. Who owns this pussy?”

“M-me,” she looked him in his eye and challenged him, wanting him to go harder. And he did.

T’Challa used gravity to Zora’s disadvantage and dropped her on his dick, meeting her thrust for thrust and going as deep as he could possibly go inside her. She screamed out, unable to contain her volume any longer. Her nails dug into his back, and the cool chill of the glass against her back reminded her of her possible audience, taking her over the edge.

“T’Challa, baby, my pussy-”

“Wrong. Whose pussy?” He smiled teasingly as she looked around the room, eyes unable to focus on any one thing. “Uh-uh, look at me. There you go, good girl. Now tell me, who owns this pussy, Zora?”

“Y-you do.”

He groaned in approval. “And what’s my fucking name?”

“T’Challa!”

“Who?”

“King T’Challa!”

“Mmm, one more time Babygirl. Say it again.”

“King T’Challa! Mmmm, you’re gonna make me cum again.”

“Do it,” he slapped her thigh, “and tell me what I want to hear.”

His hips never faltered as her walls gripped him tight. Her voice was hoarse and uneven, but she was able to croak out as she came, “This is your pussy, baby.”

Hearing the words sent him over the edge right behind her, and the two of them stayed in that position, catching their breath and gazing into each others’ eyes warmly. Zora loved that about T’Challa. He could be as rough as he wanted to be, but he could turn it off with the flip of a switch and be tender with her.

“How do you feel?” he asked, his voice low.

“Sore.”

T’Challa nodded and carried her back into the main house and up the stairs to her bathroom as she clung to him and buried her face in his neck. He set her down on the edge of the enormous clawfoot tub and started the water before disappearing out the bathroom door and reappearing a couple of minutes later with a cup of tea. He handed it to her and grabbed some bath salts, pouring them in as she sipped and soothed her aching throat. Once the tub was almost full, he helped her in and slid in behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist as she leaned her head back against his shoulder.

“Are you ready for your first day?”

“I think so. I’m still nervous about not being qualified.”

“Theodore was unqualified, but you are simply inexperienced. There is a difference. You will find your stride and do great things. I can feel it.”

“You better, you’re the one who hired me,” she chuckled as he wrapped his arms tighter around her and kissed her neck. “Thank you, by the way. For everything. The job, the house...for being you. Thank you.”

“You are more than welcome,” he said between kisses, making her giggle.

“T’Challa, I’m still sore.”

“So I cannot kiss you?”

“That’s all you get.”

“That is all I need.”

--------

Zora had spent the whole weekend alone as she settled into her new home. T’Challa had to get back to the palace to get some work done, so he didn’t end up staying that first night with her. At first, she was upset he had to leave, but then she rejoiced in getting her place all to herself. She didn’t wear a stitch of clothing all weekend, and she spent most of her time dancing around her living room and getting in the right headspace in her meditation room. 

By Monday, she actually felt ready to do her job, something she hadn’t felt up until that point. Zora smiled at herself in the mirror as she adjusted the lapel on her favorite electric blue pantsuit and checked her outfit one last time before heading out the door. Thankfully, her home wasn’t very far from the palace, but T’Challa had gifted her with a hovercar to make her commute even easier. Before he left, he gave her a quick tutorial, and she picked it right up. As she slid in the driver seat and turned the vehicle on with her kimoyo beads, Zora smiled, thinking about how much she loved the Wakandan tech. “This is so fucking cool,” she mused as she ran her fingers over the dashboard. 

When she pulled up at the palace, she grinned at seeing her own parking space near the entrance. She got out of her car at the same time Akil, the River tribe elder, arrived for the council meeting.

“Molo Zora! Unjani namhlanje?” he raised his eyebrow at her, testing out her Xhosa even though he was a former wardog and spoke English fluently. Zora had always liked Akil since he was one of the few council members that were initially open to her being there. 

“Ndiphilile, Akil. And you?” she sent him a knowing glance with a healthy dose of playful attitude as he stepped out of his car.

“Bast woke me up this morning, and the sun is still in the sky. I cannot complain,” the older man smiled at her as they walked into the palace. “Are you excited about your first day?”

“I was nervous, but all that went away when I pulled up.”

“Because you saw me.”

Zora playfully shoved him as he cackled. 

“But seriously though, you will do well. King T’Challa would not have chosen you otherwise.”

Zora turned to smile at Akil and caught sight of M’Baku coming down the hall. Her smile widened, and he turned to see what had gotten her so happy, quickly understanding her change in demeanor when he saw the chief. Zora excused herself from Akil and made her way over to her man, giving him a chaste, work-appropriate kiss.

“This color looks beautiful on you,” he held her hand in his and made her do a spin for him.

“Thank you,” she giggled. “Want to come see my office?”

“Of course. I am sorry I could not make it down this weekend to see the house.”

“Can you make it to my housewarming tonight?”

“Of course.”

“Then don’t worry about it. You’re gonna love it.”

They got to her office, and T’Challa was already there waiting with her paperwork. She took a look around the room and noticed how different it looked from when Theodore occupied the space. The walls were a warm burnt orange, and the furniture was all hand-carved Jabari wood. There were pictures on the desk of her and her mom and some with her and Keisha. Her framed degree hung on the wall behind her desk above a full bookcase. She ran her hands over the titles from throughout the diaspora and smiled, already thinking of curling up on her couch with a few of them. The Wakandan language and history books caught her eye, and as she reached for one of the history books, T’Challa intercepted her hand.

“Before you do that, there is something I need to tell you, but now is not a good time. How about after your party tonight?”

Zora’s heart sped up, and he tried not to notice, so he pulled her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles.

“Everything is ok, I promise,” he said, ignoring how M’Baku narrowed his eyes.

Zora’s first day went by smoothly. She mostly just read over and signed her contract after the council meeting, where she was officially reintroduced as American Liaison. The council gave her a round of applause, and she felt a weight lift from her chest upon realizing they wouldn’t be against her appointment like she thought they would. Another weight stayed, though. One put there by T’Challa earlier that day. His words continued to echo through her mind, haunting her until it was time for her to go home. 

“There is something I need to tell you,” she mocked aloud as she packed up her things. She was frustrated and nervous, and she was thankful her housewarming party would be small and hopefully not too draining. 

The rest of the night ended up being a blur. She greeted her friends when they arrived and held a couple of conversations as she kept the food and drinks flowing, but everyone could tell she was in another world.

“You should not have said anything earlier,” M’Baku grumbled to T’Challa before taking a sip of his beer.

“Would you prefer her to read about it before I tell her?” T’Challa rolled his eyes. “Either way, this is not going to go well.”

“For either of us.”

“Not necessarily. It is my secret, not yours.”

“I do not think she will see it that way.”

T’Challa nodded, and his eyes trailed Zora as she went to the kitchen to pop open another bottle of wine. 

Zora needed to hide from the crowd for a moment, so she disappeared to the kitchen. Bahiti and Keisha had noticed her behavior and were concerned for their friend, so they followed behind her moments later.

“Is something wrong, Zora?”

“You’re acting kinda funny, and you normally love a party in your honor. What’s going on, sis?”

Zora chuckled. She was so in her head that she was missing a fun time with her friends. Her eyes swept over the dozen or so folks in her living room who had all come to celebrate her and her new home, and she suddenly felt a wave of guilt. Zora hadn’t meant to ignore her guests, but thankfully they had kept themselves busy. T’Challa and M’Baku chatted with Dakarai as Mandisa and Asha sat on the couch giggling over who knows what with a couple of people Zora had met in the dance class she had started taking a few weeks ago. The music set a chill tone for the gathering, and Zora thought it was nice getting to see her friends mingle with each other. Her friends from the dance class melded well with her work friends and the friends she made on her adventures around the country. Even with royalty and Okoye present, the vibe was relaxed, so Zora followed suit and put on a smile for the rest of the party.

Since it was a work night, people didn’t stay too late, and at around 10:30, Zora found herself cleaning up what little mess was left behind when she felt a hand circle her waist.

“Did you enjoy yourself tonight?” T’Challa asked, nuzzling his head into her neck.

“Yes, but I would’ve enjoyed it a lot more if you hadn’t done the whole ‘we need to talk’ thing earlier,” she rolled her eyes and tried to get out of his arms, but he just turned her around to face him.

T’Challa sighed, “We do need to talk.”

“Ok, then talk.”

“My sweet, let us sit down first-”

“No, I don’t like this. Somebody talk, now.”

“Zora, please sit. Trust us. Please,” he felt a lump form in his throat at the words, knowing what followed would surely break her trust in him.

She eyed them both suspiciously before taking a seat on her couch. M’Baku sat next to her, and T’Challa started pacing as he searched for the words.

“Not this pacing shit again,” Zora thought. 

“Zora,” T’Challa began, prompting M’Baku to grab Zora’s hand in his. “There is something I have not told you. Something very important. The only reason I kept it from you is because you worked for the U.S. government, and it is something I want to keep from the rest of the world for the time being, but now that you work for Wakanda, you need to know...”

Zora’s body felt like lead as she listened to his words and went over every possible worst scenario in her head. T’Challa’s deep breath unnerved her, and she braced herself for whatever came next.

“How familiar are you with the Black Panther?”

“The superhero?”

M’Baku rolled his eyes as T’Challa chuckled.

“Yes, the superhero.”

“Um, not very. He kinda just shows up, does his thing, and dips.”

“Yes, he is a very busy man.”

“You know him? Is that what this is about?” Zora rolled her eyes and sighed in relief. “You had me thinking-”

Just then, T’Challa’s suit appeared on his body, and Zora screamed, jumping back into M’Baku’s lap. Her hands were cupped over her mouth in disbelief as she stared at her boyfriend, the Black Panther, in all his suited-up glory.

“You...you’re- how?”

“It is a long story, but-”

“No, not ‘how are you the Black Panther,’ how the fuck could you lie to me all this time?”

“There it is,” T’Challa thought to himself. He knew the lie would overshadow the news.

“Zora, we went into this for just a good time. I cannot divulge this to just anybody-”

M’Baku shook his head to get the king to stop before he went too far, but he didn’t see it in time.

“Just anybody?!”

“Zora, that is not-”

“Then tell me this: if I wasn’t working for you, would you even tell me now?”

He hesitated, and Zora’s eyes blew wide open.

“So you can fuck me, but you can’t trust me unless I’m under contract?” Zora said as she climbed off of M’Baku.  “And you-”

“Zora, he was acting under orders. Please do not be upset at him.”

“I don’t give a fuck about your orders, T’Challa, and I don’t care that you’re the Black Panther. I’m fucking pissed because you two lied to my face for months.” M’Baku reached for her arm, and she snatched it back.

“I had to. I could not let Theodore or the Secre-”

“I wouldn’t have told them, and you fucking know it,” she snarled. “How long were you gonna keep it up? Since I was ‘just anybody’ would you have ever told me? Would you have even spoken to me after we left?” Zora’s mind was racing, and her breathing became shallow.

“Maybe you should sit down, Babygirl.”

“Don't call me that,” she said between breaths. M’Baku tried to put his arm around her, but she pushed it off. 

“Ok...ok. Zora, please come sit down.”

She listened, but not because he asked. She was getting lightheaded, and a cold sweat had started to take over her body.

“I need...you...to leave.”

“Zora, I can hear your heartbeat. We will leave, but you need to slow down your breathing. In and out, just like that,” he breathed with her for a few moments before the panic left her eyes anger filled them.

“You can hear my heart beating?”

“Y-yes, I-”

“Get out.”

“Zora,” M’Baku tried to get through to her, but it was no use.

“Get out. Both of you.”

“Babyg-”

“Get out!” she yelled, making T’Challa hang his head in shame. “Get the fuck out of my house, and if it doesn’t have to do with work, don’t talk to me. We’re through.”

“Zora,” both called to her, voices cracking with tears threatening to fall from their eyes. 

“Save it,” she turned and walked up her stairs before stopping and turning back to T’Challa. “I’ll need the next week off.”

“Anything,” he pleaded, bringing tears to her eyes. She wanted to trust them, but she never could trust a liar, and that’s exactly what they were. Nothing they said felt true anymore, and she questioned everything they had ever told her. She ran up the stairs and slammed her bedroom door closed before they could see her cry, and she held it in tight until she heard her front door close behind them. Next Chapter

Taglist: @dersha89​, @ljstraightnochaser​,  @maddeningmayhem​, @theblulife​, @motheroffae​, @love-mesome-me​, @toni9​

[2021fuckitup]

“ WE GET HIGH WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS”

Helpful hints for newborn to old fuckers...

Why A Torch Lighter Is Ideal:-Your product liquifies, then smokes, almost instantly

-It is MUCH easier to control the direction the meth flows, as well as what is receiving heat

-You can get MUCH bigger hits

-You can avoid burning it so much easier than with other flames

-No flickering flame

-Butane refills are cheap as fucking shit (I got a hairspray-sized bottle of Zippo butane for the price of 2 disposable lighters)

-Don’t burn your thumb as much

-Sessions can be initiated and/or finished faster

Downsides-If you don’t pay attention, you can burn the shit out of your product, or yourself. BE CAREFUL, PAY ATTENTION, AND BE PATIENT

-Smoke through your stash quicker

-Possibly worse burns because its hotter than a bic

How to smoke meth with torch lighter for beginners:

1)First ensure that your pipe is clean.

Why?

For the ice to smoke properly. DO NOT load fresh product in a pipe with product that has been smoked, burned, or otherwise heated. If you load fresh on top of a still smokable bowl, the new and old will melt/smoke at different speeds/temperatures (can’t remember which is which right now, but I think old smokes faster), ensuing that it is very difficult to evenly heat the product. Then you get spots where part of the crystalized mass liquifies and will move with the flame, but some of it needs more heat, and for me at least, some always gets burned or darkened, and has a bad taste. If you load fresh product in a pipe with burnt shit in there, IT WILL TASTE LIKE SHIT. It will often also not melt/smoke right, AND your new stuff will taste like burnt stuff, which is THE WORST taste in the world (IM0). (FYI-I’ve heard that blowing cigarette smoke through a oil pipe (like you were going to hit it, but exhaling smoke through it instead) removes the taste. I have tried with pot smoke and it didn’t work, but have read many people say that cigarettes work.

How to Clean the Inside of A Pipe-If it is not clean, a very easy method is to fill a microwavable container (like a coffee mug) with 50% water, 50% bleach, and put the pipe (bowl facing downwards) in the water.

-Put it in the microwave for 4 minutes (yes, seriously that long-I tried after 1, 2, and 3 minutes and it didn’t work. May even take 5.)

-Let cool. Once cooled, remove from mug and drain all water.

-Using Q-tips, insert through carb hole and “mop up” the stuff left in the bowl. This may take several qtips depending on the bowl. If there is still black/brown stuff in the bowl, apply more pressure

(be careful not to break the bowl by pressing the q tip too hard on the sphere, OR accidentally pressing on the side of the carb when trying to reach around inside with q tip.) If there is still stuff in there, I have read that small bits of Magic Eraser stuffed in, and manipulated with a pole (like a q tip) work wonders, but also have not tried.

How to Clean the Outside of a PiPE

-Using a wet rag, or balled-up wet paper towels/toilet paper/napkins/etc, rub the outside of the bowl. This should cause the stuff on the outside to transfer onto the paper.

-If this doesn’t work, steel wool may work.

Handling/Prepping Product

-Dont handle meth by hand. It’s bad for your skin, and little amounts will dissolve. Instead, use:

Ideally: a 7/11 straw (this is a straw whose last inch or so is a scoop, sometimes used for slurpees or w/e those frozen drinks are; these straws I have found to be ideal for handling all sorts of drugs).

Realistically: Normal Straw: Straw been sealed on one end (tape, seal it with flame), and on the other has a 45 degree angle (45 degree is diagonal; if you cut a square in half diagonally, the diagonal line is 45). This allows you to scoop small fragments out of a bag, tin, or other carrying device easily, as the angled mouth scoops up crumbs, especially in corners of bags; while the sealed back prevents any from accidentally spilling.

Size/Shape

-Make sure your product is all of the same consistency. I find it best to use one crystal, preferably large (but not to large). I find the size of a tic tac, or slightly larger, to be ideal. Also, cubic or rectangular is best possible shape IME. I will often break long, skinny crystals because they dont burn as well as more square ones, and broken into small squares, they will smoke more evenly.

-While you can load bigger crystals with smaller bits/shake, I generally find it is best to load similar sized rocks. That is, load all shake, load two or three crystals of equal size, or put one crystal in there (usually a big one).

-If you need to break a crystal into smaller bits to make equal sized crystals (or to make odd shaped crystal more square), place a sanitary, nonabsorbent material on top of/around the crystal (no dollars bills here, printer paper works great.) and either snap it in two, or push against a surface. If pressing, you can use a finger, debit card, whatever, just slowly apply more pressure so you can crush to consistency of your liking. If you crush it all the way, you have shake(aka powder).

Differences Between Methods

Single Crystal (often large): Crystal will slowly lose mass as it melts, evenly becoming a pool (as long as you thoroughly spread it around the bowl).

Multiple Little Ones: If you evenly heat them: Will slowly melt into each other. Will be left with a very spread-out puddle, possibly multiple spread out ones.

If unevenly heated: There will be areas meth of varying thickness, accompanied by uneven melting and probable darkening/burning,.

Shake: Will liquify very quickly; little bits that haven’t yet been heated may go to weird parts of the bowl when you begin twisting, so you end up with tiny blotches and a single large or a few smaller puddles.

Loading Product

-Using straw, scoop your product into the chamber. Keeping upright, grab oil pipe and tilt at an angle so that the carb is pointing sideways, or angled down slightly. This will allow you to insert straw opening into carb before tipping the straw, ensuring you don’t miss the hole and lose any.

-Once inserted, twist pipe (while holding onto straw of course) until carb is once again pointing up. Tap straw to get all the little bits into the pipe (if meth is still sticking, use a scraper of some kind).

-Remove straw, and put pipe on level surface, BETWEEN TWO OBJECTS. THE PIPE WILL ROLL PEOPLE, AND WILL SPILL ALL YOUR GODDAMN PRODUCT AND/OR FALL ON THE FLOOR AND BREAK. UGH!

Now that you have a loaded pipe, ensure that you are ready to begin. Suggestions include

-Water

(lots of it!!) Both meth and smoking dehydrate you, and the more dehydrated you are, the more you will suffer from dental damage and brain damage (neurotoxicity). A large amount of methamphetamine neurotoxicity (and most dopamine toxicity) is temperature-dependent, as it often induces hyperthermia (This is similar to MDMA, aka XTC, Molly, rolls, etc). Water cools your body.

You should be urinating with irritating frequency, and should be voiding clear urine, otherwise you are already dehydrated (unless taking assloads of vitamins or something).

-Music

I can’t even describe how much music enhances the experience of smoking meth. It synergizes well-the meth makes the music sound insane, and in turn the music intensifies the high, making me feel even more intelligent/strong/attractive/cool/special. This is the part of the high I crave, and it rarely occurs (at least with the intensity I like) without music.

-Spare lighter/butane refill

When smoking meth, you are always running out of fuel. The spare lighter is also useful because lighters get really hot when ignited for long periods of time (like when smoking meth) and you can swap them out.

-Wet (but not sopping) rag or bundled tissues/paper towels/toilet paper/etc

This is to set the pipe on when not using it (a hot pipe will burn fabrics, fucking up whatever its on as well as the pipe), and to cool down the pipe after a hit. The pipe stays hot for a while, and if you don’t hit it, drugs are being lost/wasted. If you cool the pipe, it will stop heating the drugs faster (duh). Do not do this immediately after getting the pipe really hot-heat and cold on glass can break it. Wait for it to cool slightly, then use it.

When you use the rag to cool underneath liquified dope, it will emit a lot of smoke while crystalizing I read somewhere that the meth actually vaporizes/produces smoke when it hits cooler surface, but I don’t know the validity of that. I do know that cold makes it smoke more though.

-Salt Water

Swishing and gargling salt water while smoking meth (ie after a hit, and definitely after a session) will help prevent canker sores, help kill bacteria (which will inhibit meth mouth) clear mucus in back of throat (which will build up from smoking ice, and may possibly absorb some of it), and prevent sore throat. Its really easy-just add table salt to water (not too much). Some people say to use hot water, but there is more bacteria in hot water pipes, so I use cold.

-Biotene Products

These are oral healthcare products designed to combat dry mouth. There is an oral gel that you kind of spread in your mouth and coats it to act like a artificial saliva. It tastes kinda bad (not awful) and feels weird, but it beats dry/cracking skin, and is good for oral health. They also make alcohol-free (alcohol makes dry mouth worse) mouthwash that I find makes me produce a bnch of saliva for like 10-30 minutes, which can be helpful. They have toothpaste, but that is only to not irritate dry mouth. Finally, they have oral mouthspray, which is apparently the best, but I have not tried yet.

-Weed

Weed makes meth smoking more fun I find. Its hard to describe. Go slow as you may have negative anxiety reaction

Positioning:

The pipe will need to be twisted back and forth, so for me, I hold it in the middle of the stem between my middle finger and thumb. This allows me to easily roll the pipe back and forth. The carb is facing the sky/ceiling, and I have the pipe slanted, so the bowl is slightly closer to the floor than the mouthpiece. This allows me to put my index finger over the mouthpiece. so that when I first heat up the bowl all the initial smoke (that you will not yet inhale because it is not super thick and you want to build up a good hit) goes up the stem and is trapped by my finger rather than out through the little carb hole (which it will do when the stem is filled with smoke). Finally, it also allows me to use my pinky to cover the carb (I rarely do this because often the carb is hot).

Lighter

[Torch] Lighter is held in the other hand, underneath the dope in the bowl. Adjust your flame to lowest setting (if you can). While initially hitting the bowl, since your mouth is not on the mouthpiece, you can hold the pipe in front of you while you heat to gaug distance between flame and bowl, and make sure the flame is under the drugs. However, once you begin inhaling, you have a much worse view (through the bowl), and it is easy to hold the lighter too close (or far, but usually close), or to have it not even under the bowl. Due to poor depth perception (which I assume is from the drugs), or some visual warping from the curvature of the glass, its really easy to do this, and happens a lot. A mirror is helpful so you can see yourself. Another option is attaching flexible tubing (like aquarium tubing) to the mouthpiece so you can inhale through that while holding the pipe in front of you. This will also enable you to make meth bongs (search it).

Philosophy of Smoking Meth

Meth becomes a clear liquid when heated, then vaporizes into a white smoke. The idea is to heat whatever you placei n the pipe evenly so that it all melts down to liquid, then, by twisting the pipe, spread the liquid all around the bowl, so that it doesn’t stay in a hot place for too long and burn. Once liquified, the pipe can be twisted. This allows you to put your flame ahead of the liquid (think of the liquid chasing the flame), so that once the glass is heated, it will fall/roll down the curve towards your lighter and smoke. As you get close carb, you begin to twist the other way, keeping the liquid following your flame. However, with a torch lighter, you can soon twist the pipe without the flame and the liquid will still run for a while, and when it doesn’t is when you reapply the flame.

Quick Info On Torch Lighters

Torch lighters are very hot, much hotter than bics. Their flame is much more intense, and the heat above is much hotter than a bic. Therefore, you must keep much more distance between your lighter and pipe than with a bic. It will vary according to lighter type, pipe thickness, and especially flame size; but my flame is maybe between 1/3 and ½ of an inch, and my lighter stays 1-3 inches away from the pipe; with me increasing distance the longer its lit.

-Also, you do not heat the bowl with a torch lighter for long periods of time like you do a bic. Once it begins to smoke, quit using the lighter, and only reapply once the liquid quits moving when you twist the pipe. Also, be sure to twist pipe while lighting the whole time with a torch lighter, even if it is slowly. You cannot really get away with heating in one spot for a short period of time like you can with a bic.

Smoking

Premelt:

-Keeping your flame 1-2 inches below the bowl, roll flame in a circle around the perimeter of your product, so the outermost portion begins to liquify. Remember to continue moving the flame.

-As it begins to liquify, begin twisting the pipe back and forth. You want to heat the edges of the product and then the glass adjacent to the edges to make it flow there. However, when reversing the direction of the twist, make sure to heat the inside/middle for a moment as well so that it will melt once the dope bordering it has melted.

-Eventually you will have a puddle of liquid that is mobile-stop heating! COntinue to twist the pipe to spread the stuff around and wait for it to recrystalize (turn back into a liquid). You can speed this up by touching pipe with damp rag/paper towels/etc, but I like to let it cool by itself the first time. Wait for the pipe to cool down-its worth it.

Smoking

(this is assuming you are covering the mouthpiece and have the pipe angled like I mentioned in positioning)

-Now you should have a thin puddle of clear crystals stuff. Once again, heat with flame around the perimeter (much bigger this time, but it will also melt faster now because its thinner). Once melted, it should soon begin to smoke. Cease lighting once it begins smoking a fair bit and continue to twist.

-Because you have your finger over the mouthpiece and the pipe angled, the hot vapor will travel up the stem, and be trapped. Once vapor begins to emerge out of the carb hole, quickly take your finger off the stem and begin inhaling (do this quick because the stem is filled with vapor).

To Inhale:

You do not need to actually suck most of the time. With the pipe angled, simply forming a seal on the mouthpiece is usually enough, and if you have to inhale, do not suck like smoking. Instead, inhale like you are breathing but VERY slowly/softly. It takes very little pressure and the bigger hit you get, the better IMO.

Reheating

Use the torch for very brief periods of time. Once the liquid is moving and smoking agian, stop. You can also use more, but never use less once its burned.

Finishing your hit:

If your lungs are full and it is still smoking, cover the carb and mouthpiece and continue twisting. I like to hold my hits for 4-8 seconds, some say blow out right away, but I dont like that. You can also use a damp rag or damp paper towels/toilet paper/napkins/etc and wipe the bowl, to cool it down and make the liquid recrystalize faster (dont do this when the bowl is still super hot because it can break it). This will make it smoke a lot for a second so I like to do it while inhaling.

For Experienced Users:I have found the torch lighter to be far superior to the bic. With the bic, I would experience uneven and slow heating/melting. Now, I have almost instantaneous liquification, followed by thick smoke, and as long as I use the torch sparingly, no darkening of product. The trick is to be patient and methodical:

-Use the torch 1-3 inches away from the bowl

-Move it quickly

-“Encourage” the liquid to trael all over the bowl by leading it with the flame

-Use inward swirling movements, especially during the melting phase

-I recommend using single, squareish crystals for this.

[rfadaydreaming]

the rfa playing minecraft

oh the chaos a mysme minecraft server would bring ♡

jumin

• does not know how to move in any direction except straight

• keeps falling into caves because he just… walks

• stands there in the dark for a few seconds to process what happened

• “the game broke, i cannot see”

• yoosung is like wtf how is it broken

• cave noises start to happen

• “h elp”

• seven has to track him down and it takes absolutely forever just because jumin does not know where he is… not even a hint... he was just walking around

• finally seven finds him and brings him up with a fishing pole, but when he finally gets him up, they both get blown up by a creeper

• “i don’t like this game very much.”

• has a house with v because there’s no way in hell he’s about to share a home with zen

• their house is actually so cute, modern on the outside but super cozy and cute on the inside

• here’s some reference pictures of what i think their house would look like !! starter home / end game home

• his room is so naked omg v comes in and adds a desk, some pictures, plants, just to make it more homey

• has so many cats to the point where it lags HEAVILY when you enter his room, it’s just a giant barrage of meows

• his playstyle is fishing, taming cats, naming cats, fishing again

• he gets lost in the boats so much though, you have to come save him because he’s stranded in the middle of the ocean

• you show up and there’s a cow stuck in the back of his boat, he’s starving to death, the phantom is killing him

• but the nice part about fishing all the time is he gets really good loot and enchantments so he’ll give them to whoever wants them since… well he doesn’t really need them

• except zen omg he gives him like. chain link boots, seaweed, paper

• zen breaks into his room and takes whatever he wants though because jumin doesn't know how to make a locked chest

• he’s honestly just here for the vibes, he’ll lay on his bed even when no one else is sleeping and listen to what everyone’s talking about in the voice chat

• you cannot even see him on his bed because it’s just a sea of cats + a drop in frame rate the second you open up his door

zen

• he’s so bad with technology so he has to read the tutorial like three times before he plays

• takes awhile to get used to the controls so he’ll stop walking, jump over a block, pause, keep on walking

• it’s cute to watch actually

• he follows everyone else around and likes to pretend he knows what he’s doing? but really doesn’t

• beats the shit out of jumin for just existing

• gets stuck in a village well and silently flips out because he’s too embarrassed to ask for help

• jumin finds him and they just stare at each other in silence… jumin figures out how to hit him one singular time before running away

• he lives in a dirt home with the green top for so long it’s actually embarrassing

• inside is just a torch, furnace, crafting table, basic bed and chest literally just a straight mans home

• it’s so ugly

• v tries to spruce it up a little because he just does not like to look at it… every time he walks by he gets the ick

• jaehee eventually adopts him out of pity and they live together, but she has to do all the hard work

• their house looks like this

• he mooches so hard oh my god she’ll spend an entire day cycle mining only for him to take all the iron and make himself a silly little outfit

• she never complains though because he’s really appreciative about it

• will give her little flowers in exchange for outfit materials

• and of course gives you flowers just because you’re you

• leaves them in a pot in your room with a sign that has a little winky face

• is always changing his clothes, every time he wakes up he changes into something different

• jaehee works so hard to find diamonds for him so he can be the first to have some diamond armor

• seven kills him the second he steps out of his house and snatches it from his dead corpse

• zen’s playstyle is just following everyone else around and pretending to help but he doesn’t do much, being sweet to jaehee and you, annoying jumin

• he gets bored easily so he doesn’t play for very long :( also gets mad at jumin and rage quits omg

yoosung

• absolutely loves minecraft and he’s been playing for years, he’s really good at it!!

• so sweet and fun to play with hehe he’s like the cheery little team leader

• helps everyone get settled and works hard to make sure the newbies have a nice amount of starter materials

• even if they die and lose them all he’s like “oh that’s okay don’t sweat it you guys!!” and runs to get them new stuff

• hums to the music while he’s playing, always updates people on what he’s doing and asks if anyone needs anything

• a man on a mission, gets to work on gathering materials with jaehee the second the game loads in, knows exactly what he’s doing

• he’ll move fast to make a quick little community house for everyone to sleep in for the night

• doesn’t like the day one dirt homes it gives him anxiety

• it’s a little small but cozy!! makes everyone a chest and puts a sign above it with their name on it

• adds a “:D” at the end of everyone’s names on the signs, but a “♡” to your name only!!

• zen goes off and makes his gross little dirt house because he doesn’t wanna sleep next to jumin

• he ends up just expanding off the community house once everyone leaves and lives solo with his little parrots

• unless you want to join him!! go ahead he’d love the company

• so nervous in caves and will only go into the shallow parts where the sun still hits, a very silent miner because he’s concentrating

• he’ll go deeper into mines when seven and saeran are with him but he almost pees his pants when the cave noises start to play

• gets startled so easily and screams whenever something happens, it's so loud that the mic automatically cuts it off– so you hear 0.2 seconds of a scream, dead silence, then suddenly “yoosung fell from a high place” it’s so funny

• 9 times out of 10 seven pushed him off too

• takes it seriously, wants to play until the end of the game but everyone else is busy running around with gremlin energy

• his playstyle is a little bit of everything, he’s not a bad builder but he doesn’t spend too much time on it. goal for him is survival and exploration

• if anyone needs anything he’ll run to get it without a second thought doesn’t get the appreciation he deserves >:(

• seven picks on him so much oh my god, once he asked him to come help mine diamonds but actually pushed him into lava and yoosung started to cry

• everyone made seven feel kind of bad for it so he apologized with a full set of diamond armor, tools, flowers and a cake… it still hurt though

jaehee

• minecraft queen

• plays by herself a lot, the music, building on peaceful mode, all the alone time she gets

• loves it a lot actually, especially after a hard day at work

• but she gets so stressed out playing with everyone else

• it’s kinda bad for her health

• sighs into the mic whenever someone’s acting like an absolute fool

• tolerates no bullshit

• do not hit her. not even by accident. do not do it

• it’s so tense, she slowly turns around stares at them for what seems like forever it’s actually so scary

• only you’re allowed to hit her because for the two of you it’s not a smack, it’s a boop

• she does it back too

• “boop!” with a cute little giggle afterwards

• instantly goes to get the basics set up when the game loads in, sticks with yoosung in the beginning to get a bunch of starter materials gathered together

• is always running around doing something but no one knows exactly what because she doesn’t share. she is doing something though, a very productive crafter

• she has never died, ever. probably the highest level here out of anyone else

• the resident necessity provider, will throw you stacks of bread exactly when you need some, it’s like a 6th sense

• has basic mining chests set up for everyone to take from if they want to, so torches, food, tools, dirt, armor etc

• she really likes to decorate more than build, but she’s still really good at it!

• loves designing up floor plans

• not the best at adding the little details though

• her homes always look kinda square so v helps her out with that

• she organizes other people’s chests because she just hates how messy it looks, seven gives her so much anxiety especially

• she’s always cleaning up after him and shutting his doors since he leaves them open constantly

• her play style is a little bit of everything, not afraid of the caves whatsoever so she’ll mine if no one else wants to do it

• you can usually find her decorating though

• spends so much time making a cute little kitchen in her house especially

• a “coffee machine” is definitely a must in her house, also has a really pretty and huge bedroom

• white concrete and dark wood slabs, her house looks so lovely

• decorates zens room for him too

• she doesn’t talk much in the voice chat when jumin’s in there because she doesn’t wanna get fired

• likes to come into peoples houses and jump around a few times to say hi before running off again

• her and zen throw flowers back and forth to each other while crouching up and down like a couple of nerds ♡

seven

• the second the game loads he is off to the races, he is gone baby!! no one knows what he’s doing but everyone knows he fears nothing so it must be exciting

• “GOD707 was slain by enderdragon”

• we’ve been in the game for an hour max how did he- nvm don’t question it

• he’ll randomly show up to the community house out of nowhere, do a few random things here and there, leave again for a few days

• comes back on a skeleton horse, enchanted diamond armor, a fleet of dogs, elytra, the wandering trader enslaved on a lead

• saeran follows him around most of the time so they’ll usually be off doing something together

• seven dies so much omg every five minutes there’s a death message in the chat

• if you manage to track him down you find that he is living absolutely lavish

• has so many bases scattered around like this, this, or this

• spends a lot of time building once everyone else goes offline, does not sleep until his base is done and he’s actually an amazing builder

• v loves to go around in his bases and just gawk

• he does not decorate whatsoever, that's for saeran to do! jaehee comes and organizes because he just throws everything into a chest and leaves

• his playstyle is chaotic horrifying, he does a bit of everything but the main goal is to get to the void and beat the ender dragon with his bare hands, he wants to become god

• never shuts his doors so there’s just big creeper explosion holes in his home that he’s too lazy to fix, claims it adds ~character~

• he loves spelunking so you can find him running around in caves most of the time, there is no fear in this man's soul whatsoever, loves battle and fighting mobs, insults them most of the time while killing them

• throws his diamond armor into lava just for the funsies, always parkouring in caves, you will get so much anxiety being around him

• sometimes mimics the cave noises just to scare yoosung

• burns down villages, starts random fires, jumps into holes, beats up any animal he sees

• sometimes he comes in to hit jumin’s cats just to hear him raise his voice a little and be like “Hey!” it’s really funny but annoys jumin

• he edges the creepers omg gets them to the point where they almost blow up but backs up before they actually do

• redstone master!! builds so many insane things out of it, has an entire theme park dedicated to himself, definitely has a torture room somewhere in his mansion

• he’s always joking around with everyone, especially with you

• “hey mc, hold this for me?”

• he slowly gets real close to you until your hands are touching and your heads are almost morphing into each other

• “bro... are we ab to kiss rn...”

• will come into your bedroom when everyone’s asleep does NOT knock first this man barges right in and stands over your bed, silent for a few seconds before suddenly tossing hundreds of diamonds down on you, throws back some ass a few times before running off once again

• hits people for absolutely no reason and yes he will hit with the intention to kill

• “no swearing in my christian minecraft server”

v

• gets motion sick at video games usually but he actually really likes minecraft!!

• a complete dad so he takes a little bit getting used to the controls but warms up quick

• don’t you dare hit him. that’s evil. he’s like “woah!! something just happened, i got attacked out of nowhere!! we have to be more careful you guys!”

• he’s genuinely so confused and concerned for everyone’s safety

• adores building so much, not just houses but also little structures here and there

• he’ll make greenhouses, vineyards, beach homes, treehouses, statues

• villages get completely revamped if he thinks they’re ugly which most of the time, he does

• his playstyle is completely just building and decorating, sometimes he’ll send jumin out for supplies but it ends badly most of the time

• aka jumin gets lost and/or dies

• he helps build everyone their own little structures so jumin gets a luxury cat mansion, zen gets a shrine dedicated to himself, yoosung gets a stage for his parrots to dance on, jaehee gets a coffee shop in the village, seven gets a giant ph pepper statue, saeran gets a sunflower farm all to himself, and of course you get whatever you want! omg he’d make you a heart shaped nether portal

• he’ll help when he’s needed but he doesn’t really play, he just builds

• everyone brings their spare materials to him if they don’t need them, yoosung and saeran help him farm for stuff if he needs something in particular

• really loves giving house tours when he’s done with a build and it is the cutest thing in the entire world

• he is just so insanely giddy and excited as he shows off all the little details, you can hear the smile in his voice

• everyone validates him and matches his energy too it’s so sweet :’)

• he’s always complimenting everyone on anything and everything they do

• “look at you, finding diamonds! good job!”

• “this house is so very lovely, i love the warm energy it brings.”

• he likes to wander around and find white cats for jumin to tame

• on the rare occasion he comes caving, he’s always the little cheerleader for everyone else of course

• “good luck down here everyone, please stay safe and call out if you need anything. we’re all here to help each other, alright?”

• two seconds later yoosungs drowning in lava, seven is mining bedrock, jumin is being shot by a skeleton, jaehee is fighting off a mob spawner, zen is lost, saeran is riding minecarts around

saeran

• he’s pretty quiet while he plays so no one ever knows what exactly he’s up to, he’s just shy

• picks flower fields absolutely clean, not a singular flower in sight, only if he finds a beehive somewhere then he’ll leave some for them

• has a lot of dye because of that, resident banner creator!!! he’ll make anything that you’d like

• he follows people around– especially seven, and just goes with the flow of whatever they’re up to, chaotic or not

• sometimes you think he’s afk so you just stop and stare at him but then he moves and you jump a little

• yoosung and him will just spam crouch for minutes on end together when they’re bored

• by himself a lot of the time, you can find him playing with some turtles on the beach somewhere or planting flowers

• builds a lot on his own solo server, but doesn’t really like to in the main one because he gets insecure comparing it to v’s and seven’s work.

• he does have his own little house away from seven’s mansion basement though

• if you come in and start complimenting it he gets so shy and blushy

• “thanks… it’s not that impressive i just whipped it up really quick…”

• seven knowing damn well that house took him several hours: 👁_👁

• he hits people to get their attention and then crouches all guiltily when they turn around, throws them a quick little flower before running off

• he has a ton of pink sheep collected outside his house, an army of jebs live in his basement

• his playstyle is just doing whatever he feels like. sometimes he’s getting materials for everyone, other times he’s just sliding around on ice with the polar bears for awhile

• he likes enchanting potions and that kind of stuff

• smacks seven with random potions like slowness, fire, poison

• had a pet fish in a little aquarium at his place, one day it despawned and he nearly burnt down his whole house from being so upset

• still convinced seven killed him

• he doesn’t get scared from the mines

• the nether though is is a different story, it’s terrifying to him

• especially ghasts and the sounds they make. will not go in there unless you are and you beg him to hold your hand or something

• has secret little minecraft pinterest boards full of silly statues and stuff that he likes to build around randomly

• blames herobrine for all of them which scares yoosung

mc (hey thats you!!!)

• jumin lets you name his cats, dye their collars, anything you want even if it’s silly. if you have your own cats then sometimes he brings his favorites over and they have little baby kittens together, you both spam crouch and jump around afterwards from the excitement of it all. don’t worry he pays child support !! you don’t know where he got diamonds but. you’ll take them anyways

• zen brings you random little presents that he thinks are super useful but… are not. you don’t have the heart to tell him that though. thinks spider eye is like the rarest thing in the entire game, secretly comes in to give them to you and message you something like “shh… keep it secret jagiya~ ;)” it’s the thought that counts

• yoosung is always so sweet with everything he does, he’ll bring you any sort of materials, tools. anything you need it’s yours. once he ran in front of you to take the hit from a poison spider when you know he’s absolutely terrified of them so you could get away safely. he tries his best to be brave for you <3

• jaehee invites you to her kitchen for taste testing, you’ll come in and try all the lil cakes she has sitting out while giving your feedback on all them in detail. mm yes very good, love the electric taste of the pixels in this one! finally she’ll be like wtf are we doing

• seven surprises you by making a cute little heart shape out of redstone, you press a button and it lights up red, fireworks go off, he’s jumping around throwing flowers and diamonds at you. he’ll put a sign down that says “will you… put your minecraft bed next to mine?”

• v is constantly checking in on you, he’ll say “knock knock!” before coming into your room, you’re like hey what’s up!! he replies i missed you! i just wanted to say hi :) before leaving again, comes in every day cycle with snacks to make sure you’re eating properly of course

• saeran brings you flowers all the time, he’ll shyly sneak into your room, crouch over to the bed super slowly, suddenly start throwing stacks of flowers all over you, crouch up n down a couple of times before running for the hills. forgets to shut your door and runs back real quick to shut it before leaving again

thanks for reading! find more on my mysme masterlist ♡!

[ellana-ravenwood]

“I wish I knew how to help you” - Batsis x Batfamily

Synopsis : Everyone has tough times at some point in their lives. Bruce Wayne most definitely knows that. But when his own daughter is going through a really rough patch, he finds himself not really knowing how to fix things...

This particular subject has been requested so many times (the earliest request dating from August 2018....mmmm..), so watch me butcher it with bad writing. I thought, given how I feel lately, it was the perfect time to finally write it. I hope you will like it (runs away to hide) : 

TW : Anxiety, depression, mention of suicide. 

My Masterlist : @ella-ravenwood-archives. 

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There hasn’t been a lot of time in his life where Bruce Wayne felt so completely lost. Of course, he would be lying if he was saying he never got confused, or if sometimes, he wasn’t quite sure what to do, what to say...

But if there was one thing he was great at, it was problem solving. 

Even in desperate situations, he could always trust his analytical and collected mind to help him out.

In fact, Bruce Wayne could count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times he felt utterly lost, defenseless, and couldn't figure out a solution to his troubles. Not even a questionable one, like bottling up all of his feelings and pretending he doesn’t care while he’s screaming and dying inside. 

He recollected exactly five times of such an event occurring in his life :

The day his parents died. 

The day he realized he couldn’t save everyone. 

The day Dick came to live at the Manor, and Bruce realized he had no idea how to raise a child. 

The day Jason died. 

The day he saw Damian kill. 

And now, spilling onto another hand : 

...The day he realized he had no idea how to help his daughter, you, with her mental health struggles. 

Each time he had been completely lost, there was someone to help him. 

For his parents’ death, it was Alfred. 

For the day he realized even as Batman he would never be able to save everyone ? It was Commissioner Gordon, and his years of being a cop in a city like Gotham. 

Dick himself, and Alfred of course, quickly helped Bruce to understand what it meant to be a father. 

Tim’s arrival helped him grieve Jason. 

And all his children, from Dick to Cass, and the experience he acquired trying to raise them helped him manage Damian’s problems. It was a plus for sure, that the boy wanted to be helped.

But with you...Any attempt of his trying to breach the subject would result in you brushing his concerns off, getting frustrated, or sighing “I’m fine” and leaving to isolate yourself in your room. 

Sometimes, it felt like you really wanted to talk to him. Like you wanted to vent, and tell him what was wrong. But you always seemed to decide against it, maybe in fear of bothering him ? 

Most of the time, it felt like you were living with your anxiety in peace. Like you greeted it like a good friend. Bruce had always known you were a rather stressed individual, but you always held yourself up so well ? 

Most of the time, it felt like you were perfectly fine. How could he have known ? How could he have known you weren’t ? Ah...but maybe the signs were all there all along...

And Bruce just didn’t know how to help, when even you, didn’t seem to want the help...But maybe that was the trick ? To keep trying no matter what ?

At first, it didn’t seem to him like this would be an issue that could render him absolutely lost like this. And he hated the fact that he thought that. 

Because it stemmed from one pervasive thought that made him despise himself : “Her fight with her own mind aren’t as bad as Damian’s, Cass’s, or Jason’s trauma. Aren’t like what Dick went through. It will be easier to fix.” And maybe you felt that, maybe that’s why you wouldn’t let him help ?

Why would it be easier anyway ? 

Because you had a calmer childhood. Of course, being Batman’s daughter meant you definitely went through things most children will never experience. But compared to your siblings, you had a somewhat normal childhood. 

The biggest trauma of it being the fact your mother, Selina Kyle (author’s note : I’m not particularly talking biological child here by the way, just to make sure y’all can all identify to this. Thought I’d mention it), decided to leave you in your dad’s care and had a very little part in your upbringing up until you turned 12 or so, which is the time she came back. You never seemed to even be mad about this. It always felt like you knew your mom had her own battles to win, that she wasn’t quite ready to have a child, and you forgave her as soon as she came back into your life. 

But maybe that was the problem ? The fact Bruce always thought you were strong enough to handle things ? You always seemed to hold your own. You’d always been fiercely independent. Like you never needed help.

When Dick had fits of anger, you’d just stay quiet and withhold it. 

When Jason was sometimes overzealous, you’d just stay calm and collected. 

When Tim had massive freak outs at times because he felt he wasn’t enough, you’d just reassure him and stay grounded. 

When Cass would have nightmare at night and be so scared she couldn’t find her voice again, you’d stay up with her and make sure to soothe her back to sleep, even if it meant not sleeping yourself. 

When Damian would realize how much he missed out in life, in his childhood, and how little he knew about the real world...You’d be there, holding his hand while explaining in details why he felt the way he felt. 

Even Duke, who arguably was the “sanest” of them all, had times where things were too much for him, and you’d magically appear by his side to help him through it. 

You always seemed to be the one everyone relied on. 

The one that has it all figured out, that has it together. The one most like Bruce, able to control her emotions. But the one even better than him, because you could also help others understand how they felt. 

And that was why Bruce never really noticed your every day struggles. 

Come to think of it, the fact you were always so on point and great in your explanations as to why someone felt the way they did, probably meant you felt like them before... 

Oh god. God, Bruce hated this. Hated himself, even. 

Hated the fact that he thought your fights with your own mind weren’t as bad as what Damian or Dick went through, as bad as Cass or Jason’s traumas.  As bad as Duke witnessing what happened to his parents, because you...Well you still had both of them. And they were on good terms, now.

He hated the fact that it took you almost dying for him to realize you had a real problem too. For him to realize your apparent “I can handle my own” attitude was all a fragile facade that could break any time. 

He hated the fact that he had to witness you almost letting yourself die, to realize this...The scene kept replaying in his mind. 

A night out as vigilantes. Part of a building collapsing. You pushing a woman out of its way, but then just staring up at the crumbling wall that would crush you, not moving. And the state of daze you were in, when you found yourself in your father’s arms as he saved you in extremis from a certain death that you were clearly letting happen. 

You later said it was a mistake. It was a simple mistake. 

But Bruce, from that point and on, knew better. There had been a time, not long after his parents’ death, where he wondered what even was the point in living anymore. Where he found himself in a similar situation too, where he could save himself and yet stayed in front of the death threat. Alfred saved him at the time, gave him a good scolding which Bruce didn’t even register. 

He recognize that look in your eyes. 

Because he had the same one, many years ago, before he had a chance at having a family again. Before you, Dick, Jason, Cass, Tim, Damian...It was a look that meant : “What if I just let it happen, what if I end the pain by ending it all ?”.

And Bruce hated the fact that it took him witnessing this look in your eyes for him to finally realize you needed help. It tore his heart apart.

He hated the fact it took him so long to finally act upon it, to finally do something for you. No matter how lost he was as to where to even begin. 

And so here he was, on a calm night in Gotham, sitting on a roof and researching on the internet what can be done to help people riddled with anxiety and such. He knew you enough to know you’d never accept to go see a therapist. But maybe...maybe he could help just as good ?

He knew how he got rid of his own anxiety. 

The same way he got rid of many other things...He submitted himself to a strict training allowing him to control all of his emotions, shutting some away when needed. 

But he couldn’t even imagine making you go through the things he made himself do. Not his daughter. Not any of his children. 

There was a reason, the training he gave all of you wasn’t even 10% of what he used to do. Because he had nothing to live for except becoming strong enough to bring back justice to Gotham. Because he had nothing to look forward to except the fact that he was going to make sure no kid in that god forsaken city would go through what he went through ever again... 

He gave himself the ability to turn into a machine. To shun all feelings away. Because he had a mission. 

He would never, ever want any of his children to feel like this. Even if he managed to, in appearance, make himself feel nothing...It would always cause him tremendous pain. He knew how this felt, to force yourself to control everything. 

No. His method was most definitely not fit for his daughter. He did not want her to become like him. And so, scrolling through forums, websites and blogs, he tried to find the best way he could to help his kiddo. It seems like there was almost like a “list” of things every person suffering from anxiety went through every day...  

Wondering if your loved ones are upset with you.

“Are you mad at me ?” 

Is the text you send to your oldest brother, Dick, immediately regretting it. 

Because now, you were sure he’d find you annoying, pushy or anything of the like. Of course, Dick would never. But your mind was telling you he would. 

He hadn’t responded to your text in a day, while he would usually be very reactive, and you didn’t need more to think he hated you, now. 

Knowing there is no reason for you to feel that way. 

Knowing for Dick to be “mad” at his little siblings, it would take a lot (you weren’t even sure you’ve ever seem him mad at any of you, except maybe the times you put yourselves in danger while he’s your team leader, but then it’s more a problem of being mad at himself than really at you. 

Yet you cannot control it. You cannot. You are sure now, that he hates you. 

Your father doesn’t understand why you’re so morose that day, and why you snap at everyone. He doesn’t understand, and you don’t tell him. And Bruce just ends up thinking you’re in a bad mood and leave you alone, while you desperately want to talk. 

You want to tell him that you think Dick hates you. You want to hear him reassure you, even if technically, there is no need for reassurance. Of course your brother doesn’t hate you, he’s probably just busy, he just started his new job in Bludhaven, and moved in a new apartment and...Yes. 

Rationally, of course you knew your brother, who has always been there and never shied away from saying he cared about you and love you, doesn’t hate you. 

Yet you cannot help but think you did something wrong. You cannot help but think maybe he does. And you want to tell your dad, and have him reassure you, even if you don’t need to. 

But instead, you snap at him. Instead, you push him away. Because you couldn’t handle your dad too thinking your annoying. Of course, he would think you’re annoying, a nuisance, if you told him you think Dick hates you...because obviously he doesn’t. 

It was a vicious circle. So instead of possibly-but-probably-not-but-still-maybe be hurt, you pushed the one person you wanted close away, snapping at him and isolating yourself in your room. 

TING ! Your phone, it’s ringing ! Oh please god, please be Dick ! 

It is your brother. He answered ! 

“Of course not ! Why would you think that ?” 

You analyze every single word, and how he didn’t use an emoji, while he always does ! And the way he said “why would you think that ?”...he’s for sure mad at you now, and he thinks you’re the most obnoxious little sister that ever walked this Earth. 

But you answer : 

“Oh no reason lol. Hey wanna binge watch Gilmore Girls with me this week end ? Only you understand how a true masterpiece this show is.” 

He doesn’t reply that day, and you think about it the entire night. He doesn’t come at the patrol of course, as again, he just settled in Bludhaven. And it starts. The spiraling of overwhelming feelings, the impossibility to let go of something. 

You cannot think of anything else but sending another text to ask if he’s really not mad at you. You decide against it, because you don’t want him to think you’re annoying. Because you understand he has his own life now. Now that he moved from the Manor. 

You understand he must be busy. That he has to settle in. That he doesn’t have to be available whenever you want, and that the fact he had always been up until now proved he was the best big brother anyone could ask for. 

But you can’t help it. You think it must be you. That he’s not answering because it’s you. 

And all of a sudden, you question every relationship you have. What if none of your siblings love you, and are just polite ? What if they’re lying because you’re really the only sibling out of all of you they don’t like and they’re just too nice to...Oh god. Your dad must hate you too. 

Because you keep needing him to reassure you about stuffs. Ah yes, today you shunned him away, but sometimes, you guilt trip him so he says he cares about you. Or so he tells you nice things. 

And suddenly, one of your biggest fear, the one where you ask for too much out of the people you love is back. And you cry. You cry all night. Because you have too many mood swings. You isolate yourself too much. But you don’t know, you don’t know how to make them see your fear of not being cared for...

And so you cry. Wondering over and over again “why am I like this ????” as you think all of your loved one are upset with you, and will never want to talk to you again. 

Later in the day, Dick answers that he would love to watch GG with you, and there’s an emoji this time. Ah. So maybe he doesn’t hate you...

So many people wouldn’t even think this was a big deal, but for you...for you, it was...

Every small decision feels like it has life or death consequences. 

You want to tell them. You want to tell them that’s why  you couldn't choose what you wanted at the drive through fast enough. Why you stumbled on your words, and ended up blurting out : “Whatever Jason took !” because your taste in food was the closest to his. 

You want to tell them, that even such a small issue, in your head, took a huge place. That you rehearsed what you were going to say when it would be your turn to speak to the waiter. That you got all tangled up, and didn’t ask what you actually wanted. 

You want to tell them that sometimes, even the smallest “yes or no” question haunts you for days. That “what ifs” won’t let you alone. 

You want to tell them, but instead you take the meal you didn’t really want, and eat it in silence, listening to everyone talking and enjoying this family moment. You stay quiet, your mind focus on how clumsy, dumb and useless you are. 

Just because you couldn’t order something at the drive through. 

You stay quiet, but your mind is racing about how much you suck. How you should get out of everyone’s way. Because you can’t even order food properly. 

You feel guilty, because this is one rare family moment when you’re all together, and your siblings all have fun teasing each others, laughing and talking, while you just nod sometimes, smile, and die inside. 

Just because you couldn’t order something at the drive through. 

You think you’re absolutely insane. That you should be checked in in Arkham. You-

Bruce notices you’re quieter than usual. He notices you didn’t take your favorite burger. He wonders why, because he knows you really REALLY like that burger. Sometimes, he goes out of his way to go get you guys’ favorite food, and he knows that this burger is one of yours...

But he doesn’t dwell on it. Maybe you just wanted to change for once (which wasn’t much like you but oh well). And the fact you’re quiet ? Maybe you’re just lost in your own thoughts and day dreaming. After all, you do like to have some quiet and alone time, and this family dinner is happening on this time. 

So Bruce doesn’t say anything, even if his guts tell him something is wrong. 

Overthinking. Fearing something could go wrong.

You are in constant fear of what's going to happen if and when something happens to your dad ! Or your siblings ! What if you become homeless for some reasons ? What if you have no friends or family to return to ? What if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if...

Intrusive thoughts, they call them. And they don’t want to leave for sure. They’re persistant. They stay up until you overthink them to the point nothing makes sense anymore. To the dissociation.

And it makes your every day life a living nightmare. 

Bruce, as he reads this part of an article on the internet, about how people suffering from anxiety are in a constant state of worry, feels his heart tighten at the mere idea you are going through this. 

He knows you are. And he hates the fact it took him so long to realize because...

Not being able to control what's happening now or in the future.

Bruce could recollect so many times where, even as a child, you’d ask him questions like : “What happens after you die ?”, “What will happen to me when I get old ?” etc etc. 

At the time, of course, he dismissed it as questions every kid asks. Wondering about the world around them. He never saw how much those questions would haunt you, how much sometimes, you couldn’t let go of things you perfectly knew you had no control over... 

The signs were all there though. 

You weren’t lost in day dreams, you were lost in nightmarish scenarios about what could possibly happen in the near future. 

You were, every minute of every day, worrying about something that was currently happening, something that happened recently, or something that might happen in the next few moment, later the same day or in the future.

It was something you had to live with, and it never been just a child curiosity. As you grow up you stopped asking those questions out loud, didn’t mean they weren’t haunting you... 

Making a mistake that will result in someone judging you.

You always had to be irreproachable. 

You were a perfectionist. 

A lot of time, people passed it as : “like father, like daughter.” 

And Bruce should’ve known better...Why was he like this ? This part of him certainly didn’t stem from anything good. Yet he ignored the fact you acted exactly like him. The fact you were turning into him, on that front...

My brain is a TV and someone else has the remote.

... ... ... ...

************

Bruce had enough. He knew. He knew how you felt, and why you acted the way you did sometimes. And it was time. It was time to finally take action. 

But he couldn’t do it alone. And he wouldn’t. In fact, they’d all be so mad, if he executed this plan on his own...

Because you. You were their precious sister. 

They loved you, so much. And it would kill them, if they knew you really meant it, when you asked if they were mad at you. If they hated you. If they...

They always think you’re joking, or that you’re tired or something. That you have “mood swings”. 

You don’t. 

For you, all those issues are very real. But they don’t understand, because you’re always there to catch them, and they never expected you needed to be caught. 

So when their father expose to them what he thinks is going on with them, and when they realize he’s right...

They feel crushed. 

How ? How could they not notice their beloved sister was suffering so much ? 

And so that day, they all swear that they are going to do everything in their power to help you. No matter what. 

They will never give up on you. 

No matter what..

************

“Why am I like this ? Why am I like this ? Why am I like this ?” You repeat to yourself, over and over again, as you feel your heart beat like crazy while it has no reason to. 

While your chest hurt, and you feel the weight of anxiety on your shoulder, without even knowing why. 

You keep telling yourself you suck, you keep being too harsh on yourself, and oh, oh if you only knew that your entire family right now, was plotting to help you feel better. 

Unfortunately...

************

Dick’s antics soothe you for a bit, but as soon as he’s gone your heart goes wild again, refusing to stop, and your mind repeats bad thoughts to you. 

The next day, Dick planned the PERFECT sister/brother day. Planning things to spend time with you, just like when you were little and it was just you and him. 

It’s a perfect day indeed. Everything makes you forget your anxiety. You smile, for the first time in months since this weird extreme anxious state started. 

Dick always knew how to make you laugh, and how to tease you just enough so that you wanted to show him what you were made of !

But once you’re home...

And Dick can try, try and try again, but no matter his effort, he can only relieve your pain when he’s around, and unfortunately, he isn’t always around. 

************

Jason is patient, with you. 

He listens, he empathizes and does not patronizes. 

He’s there when you need him. He celebrates every small victory from you (like finally being able to order the burger you want). He encourages you, gives you all the hope he can. And it means a lot, coming from him. 

Because Jason suffered a lot. He went through a lot. His death, and his traumatic return...

He tries to keep you hopeful. He is patient. Available. But he does things too well. You’re afraid he spends too much time with you, and forgets his own mental health. You know he loves to meditate, but haven’t seen him do it in ages. 

Because he’s also keeping an eye on you. Your father probably told him the crumbling building debacle...And now he makes sure you’re ok. 

But to the detriment of his own mental well being ?

You feel like you’re weighting him down. And slowly, he notices you’re avoiding him. And he doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want to push you, or force you to do anything...

************

It has always been easy, to talk to Tim. 

Your brother is the only one in the family that did not become a Robin for personal reasons. Sure, he was struck with tragedy later in life (or he would never be your brother now...), but at the core of it...He was just a kid who wanted to help. 

He was a fan of Batman, who really REALLY wanted to make himself useful. He became Robin, not because of any personal motivation but because he was just that selfless. 

And so, it has always been easy to talk to Tim. 

Which is why he’s surprised, when he realizes you’ve never told him about your anxiety. About your depressed thoughts. You vent a lot to him, but about small things. About things you can both laugh about. 

It has always been easy to talk to Tim, and the fact you cannot address your anxiety problems tells him all the extent of it. 

Tells him you’re truly suffering, and that he needs to get better. 

To become an even better listener, for you. And as you witness him, just like Jason, sort of forgetting about his own well being, you cannot help but feel even worst...

They mean well. They mean so well. But you cannot stand them putting their own health on the line just for you. After all, you’re just a loser who doesn’t deserve any of those wonderful brothers and sister...

************

Duke tries to help you “temper your thoughts”. 

His mom used to do that to him, as a child. He was always rather active, suffering from ADHD and such. In a lot of ways, his trouble resembled the ones you had with anxiety. 

And he thought that maybe, helping you tempering your thoughts would be the best. 

What does that even mean ? Well. Whenever he felt like you were anxious about something, scared or stressed, he would ask you if you were alright up until you’d finally tell him what was making you anxious. 

And then he’d ask you the series of question his mom asked : “What’s the worst that can happen ? What’s the best that can happen ? What’s most realistic, or likely ?”...At first you didn’t really understand the point. 

But soon enough, you got it. This was helping you turning your intrusive thoughts against themselves. Helping you see the good sides of things. 

Unfortunately, just like with Dick’s technique of making you laugh and such, when Duke wasn’t around to remind you to consider the best, worst and most likely option...you forgot that trick. 

************

"Let’s go to a quieter place, or go for a walk.” 

Cassandra tells you, whenever she sees you get overwhelmed by something. And it works. It does. 

You two just walk in silence, hand in hand. 

Your sister’s presence reassuring, and warm. Her care for you sipping out of her very being, from her hand to yours. 

“Let’s go to a quieter place, or for a walk.” 

You go outside, and you don’t speak. She’s just here for you. 

But she can’t always be around, can she ? She can’t always just magically appear next to you in moments of need, and say :

“Let’s go to a quieter place, or for a walk.” 

But when she can. She does. 

She knows when you get overwhelmed by sounds, by smells, by anything. And she brings you to places that makes you feel at peace. 

Cassandra was never one to speak a lot, but she always understood.

************

Damian can’t help but feel sad that he, and the rest of the family, aren’t enough for you to feel better. That they can’t win against your depression and anxiety, no matter how hard they try. 

And Damian. Oh Damian tries. 

He makes sure you have everything you need. He makes sure to be there when it feels like you’re not feeling well, he follows you like a shadow and...

You both get more and more frustrated. 

Damian puts a lot of effort into making you feel better, and you keep snapping at him, or pushing him away. 

It’s because YOU’RE the big sister. YOU’RE the one who’s supposed to take care of him. But it seems like lately, Damian is obsessed with your well being, and he doesn’t even let you tuck him in anymore...He’s the one that comes tuck you in. 

And deep down, you feel like it’s exactly what you need. You want to let your baby brother take care of you. And his worries are so sweet, and makes you feel all warm inside by how adorable this kid can be. How far he came back from. 

Deep down. 

But you’re not ready to admit you need help. Especially not from your 11 years old brother. No. He’s the one that needs the cuddles and the reassuring words. He’s the one that had it way tougher than you. And him taking care of you, although it feels nice, doesn’t feel right. 

And it hurts, to see your little brother get sad because he can’t help you like he wants to. Because he thinks he’s not enough for you, and that’s why you’re feeling the way you are...

************

Nothing goes how they think it was going to go. 

You do not get better right away. It doesn’t even feel like you’re getting better at all. On the contrary. 

It feels like you push them away even more, that you become even more irritable, that...that...that you go further and further away from them. 

And they don’t understand. 

Even you, don’t understand. 

Why do you feel so bad ? So Sad ? So anxious all the time ? 

You don’t know. You don’t know. You don’t know. 

“Why am I like this ? Why am I like this ? Why am I like this ?!” 

You repeat this to yourself every day, without being able to find an answer. 

And Bruce...Oh, your father came to the conclusion that the last and only option is that you need to go to therapy, you need professional help. 

************

“What ? Why ? I’m fine dad !” 

You say, anger pointing in your voice, as he tells you that. 

“No you’re not, (Y/N). We can all see it. And there’s so much we can do we...I...”

There’s a silence. A heavy one. And it breaks Bruce’s heart, to see tears welling up at the corner of your eyes : 

“It’s fine. I get it. I’m too much, aren’t I ? That’s why right ? I ruin you guys’ life ? You know, I noticed a shift not long ago. I know you’re trying to make me feel better, and I know you all get frustrated because you can’t. I swear I try dad. I swear I try to not get those bad thoughts. To not think you don’t love me, for whatever reason. To not think like I’m a burden. I swear I try to not be anxious. I try to not worry, about every little thing. I try so hard ok ?! But it doesn’t work ! And I know it’s wearing all of you down. I know it. But...I’m...It’ll be fine ! IT’LL BE FINE !!” 

You scream those last few words, and a silence installs itself between you and your father. 

Bruce just looks at you, and you cannot stand the pained look in his eyes. You never wanted your burden to transfer on your family like that...why ? Why did you get worst and made them notice you weren’t ok ? Why ? 

Maybe it would’ve been better, if your dad didn’t see you about to get crush by this building, and hadn’t saved you. They’d have a-

“I won’t stop trying.” 

Your father’s voice cuts your terrible thought, and you look up at him. He walked slowly to you, carefully, as if afraid to scare you. As if afraid you’re gonna “tt” him, and run to lock yourself in your room. 

But for some reason, you don’t move. And you let him come close. 

He brushes a few fingers on your cheek, as he used to when you were a child and unable to sleep. Him softly humming to you and brushing your cheeks slowly always made you fall right asleep...

“Until you feel better. And I will tell you over and over again that I love you and that I am here for you, if it’s what you need. I am your dad. I am here for you.” 

And he understands your pain oh too well. It’s not because he managed to be able to shut his own mental health problems out, that he never feels them. 

You are your father’s daughter. Unfortunately in that case. 

Oh. Oh he wishes he could take on your pain. He could take on his shoulders your entire burden. He wishes it was only him, that felt that way. That you would never, ever feel anxiety, or depression again. 

He knows it is not that easy. He understands. 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Something breaks inside you. Something that was on the verge of shattering for years, but snapped only now. 

“I just...I just wish I could help you. I just wish I knew how. I am trying too, (Y/N). And I won’t give up on you. No matter what you think. I will never give up on you.” 

Those words. Those were so simple. Yet what you needed to hear for so long.  

Because no matter your siblings’ effort, or Alfred’s, or your dad’s. Your friends at the Young Justice. Anyone you ever cared for...You always were afraid that one day, you’d be too much for them. 

That one day, all your mood swings, pushing them away, venting and complaining often...would be too much. And that they’d leave you. 

Alone forever. 

“I’m not giving up on you.” 

Coming from your dad. You knew he said the truth. You knew. 

There’s a short silence. You look at your father, and even Queen Anxiety couldn’t make you think he wasn’t being genuine. 

“You...That’s...I...”

Getting chocked up, you weren’t able to say anything, but he understood. 

And he was there to catch you. You went right into his arms, and he held you tight, trying to convey to you all the unconditional love he has and will always have for you, no matter what. 

No matter how much you push him away, how broken you get, how much you hate yourself and think you don’t deserve any kind of love...he’d always, ALWAYS love you. And would never give up. 

“I’m here. I’m here. I will always be here.” 

His voice was soothing. It has always been soothing. And he was there. 

He was there. 

“Thank you...”

You manage to whimper out, as he holds you against his heart. 

And, finding it hard to reign his own emotions in (his children have always been the only ones who could cross all his walls and find the vulnerable Bruce who feels everything), Bruce repeated as much as you needed to hear that he was here. 

He would always be here for you. 

Always..

And the path to your recovery was now open.

__________________________________________________

Here we are. I am sorry if this is sort of...bluargh. Or not what you wanted. But I do hope you liked it. Haha I feel like this story is so ridiculous...I guess this feeling is in the theme eh..........Maybe it’s also because as usual, I wrote very late into the night, and sleep deprivation always make me feel like I do stupid things. Write terrible stuffs. 

Reblogs and feedbacks are always welcomed ?

Haha. Convincing. 

See you soon with another story, much lighter than this one for sure haha...