#not really sure why this blog has gotten an influx of attention again but I appreciate it even if I don’t use this blog anymore!

[badlydrawnducktales]

hey you here or no?

kinda! I’m still active on tumblr but just not this blog and I’m not really in the fandom anymore ^^

so if you mean “here” as active on this blog or planning to update it again? not really! if you mean “here” as in I’m still on tumblr and getting notifications for this blog? yup!

[theschizoidblog]

Loneliness and Solitude

Blog 2: 14/06/2020

After nearly a month, I’ve returned with another blog post.

I’ve had a few interesting therapy sessions in the meanwhile. It turns out I’ve also got severe depression along with my schizoid personality disorder. Next session we’re starting with EMDR – which is eh… something I don’t fully understand myself - yet. I’ll gladly talk more about it once I have a better idea of what it actually does. It sounds a little bit like hypnosis, but not fully, and it would probably be considered an insult to the practitioner to label it as hypnosis. I might write about it in an upcoming blog post.

But for today, I’d prefer to stick to a topic I understand better. Solitude. Loneliness. The two are not the same for many schizoids.

The shortest way in which I can put it, is to say that many schizoids don’t experience loneliness when they’re alone. But they might feel it when they’re in a group.

Let me elaborate.

The definition of Loneliness according to Google, might already offer some insight:

Loneliness; sadness because one has no friends or company.

You often hear loneliness described in old people. They’re in a home, they get no visitors, and they are lonely. Or people who lose their partners then die of loneliness because suddenly they are physically alone and cannot bear it. They ache in the absence of others.

For the majority of people, being the only person in a house could trigger feelings of loneliness. With covid-19, many people that were in lockdown also felt terribly alone because they could not see their colleagues or visit random friends whenever they wanted to. They complained about the loneliness and lost productivity and some parts of their sanity as a result.

During the lockdown, I felt better than I had in a very long time. Not seeing friends or family gave me an energy boost. Then the lockdown restrictions were slowly lifted, I got to visit family again, got to see colleagues again, and the energy boost is gone again.

My brain is perfectly content being alone for weeks in a row. I do not experience loneliness when I’m at home. I do not cry myself to sleep at night because I feel lonely. I do not long for companionship or make plans to invite friends the moment I can – far from it. I didn’t do that before Corona so why would I do it now?

Yet the concept of loneliness is not alien to me, nor is the feeling.

I have felt overwhelmingly lonely at festivals and parties, in the midst of both strangers and friends. And if the definition is “sadness because one has no friends or company”, it is not fully true. Because at parties we might be among our friends. But maybe we can’t talk to them. Maybe the music is too loud. Maybe they’re distracted by other things and you’re just a wallflower that doesn’t get any attention in that moment. Maybe they’re drinking or doing dumb stuff you can’t relate to. Maybe you’re questioning why they are even your friends in the first place. Maybe they aren’t doing anything wrong at all but you still feel like the odd one out.

Even that can be the moment we feel like we are without company, even if the company is standing 3 feet away.

Maybe whatever makes people feel connected to others, isn’t working 100% the way it works for other people in us schizoids.

Where does it come from?

Why do we enjoy solitude? Why don’t we feel lonely?

I can only make an educated guess that our childhood trauma and probable emotional neglect have taught us to rely on ourselves from a terribly young age.

If you look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, you see that Psychological needs, in the middle of his pyramid, are described as “Belongingness and love” – but I don’t think we are very likely to reach that stage. We are stuck at the bottom two layers of the pyramid. Maybe our physiological needs and safety needs are met, but that’s only the case for us privileged schizoids who have a place to live. In the homeless population in New York, they discovered there were way more schizoids than is the norm. To those people, even the bottom of the pyramid isn’t met.

But even the privileged schizoids like you and me, who are able to read this blogpost, probably will have trouble feeling like their psychological needs can be met or are being met. Or maybe you can “think” they are being met, as in “I have family and friends”, but you don’t feel it. As in: you don’t feel the love or intimacy that comes with those relationships. You cognitively know it’s there and you can acknowledge it, but feeling their love is harder, as is feeling your own love for them.

If you have feelings of love, they’re likely to be hidden so deeply within yourself you don’t feel it at all.

In a way, we are “the walking dead” – sure, we’re still walking around and we’re not completely falling apart, but what are we truly feeling anyway? Don’t ask us, we’re not sure if we’re not feeling anything at all or if we’re burying it deep inside. (And then usually it erupts in bursts of anger or incessant tears of sadness.)

As a result, I think we don’t experience loneliness a lot because we’re cut off from our own emotions most of the times anyway. And being alone is one of the only comforts we have in a cold and uncaring world. To us, it’s great. It’s safe. It’s secure. And we like feeling safe and secure.

Stopping traditions

I used to love going to a pagan festival in the Netherlands. It was a rather quiet festival, with nice food and people who were dressed up and not giving a fuck about anything, and there was nice (not too loud) music and it was a welcoming place to all. I travelled there once a year, for about ten years in a row, and had some friends at the festival who I only saw on Facebook during the other months, and I would listen to bands, browse the stalls, even sometimes dance and eat so much of the good food there.

I knew a lot of people there. Not intimately, but enough to know their names and recognize their faces and know which ones were fans of which bands and music. Enough to have a stop and chat when I saw them.

But the final time I went, I wasn’t in a great mindset in the first place, and I went there and I tried to look for some of the people I knew, but I saw none, just strangers. The festival had been growing exponentially and with the influx of visitors and the commercialization of the event also came the side effect that many old folks no longer went – and that it was harder to find those who did in the crowd. Even the bands had changed.

I couldn’t find a friend (and she was also not really into meeting me first thing in the morning, she was content bumping into me later in the afternoon), and I was sulking and feeling like an alien in a place that I had considered home for so many years. Suddenly I felt like the stranger and the outcast, and I was not in the mood to mingle with new folks. There were too many, it was too loud, the crowd was too much. (And yes, I’m aware it was probably a mild anxiety attack that was making that feeling worse.)

I did see some friends later on and spoke to them, but it all felt terribly hollow and I stopped going afterwards. I did feel very lonely that weekend, even among my friends and acquaintances of the event, and I just wanted to go home and never return.

That event was like Christmas to me, something I looked forward to all year, but I just felt like “Fuck it, I don’t care if it’s tradition, I don’t want to do this ever again, it’s not worth it.” I haven’t gone in years now. I wouldn’t go again now, I don’t think it’s gotten better.

At family gatherings I might also look at the people there like I’m the alien looking in, and feel like I have no one to talk to or connect to. I feel like I’m constantly engaging in conversations on other people’s terms, about their topics of interest, not about mine, and I’m listening to them, but they’re not listening to me. They might ask me questions, but only about things I don’t want to talk to them about. Everything feels cringe. It’s terribly lonely when you feel like you’re speaking a language no one understands or is interested in learning, and when you’re expected to respond to people on command, like a dog forced to do tricks no one is even giving him a reward for.

So naturally, I have also stopped attending family gatherings. No one there is like me, it’s draining, and I gain absolutely nothing from it, except the feeling of loneliness among your own kin. It’s not a charming feeling.

Then what’s left?

I can enjoy crowds at conventions, since these people usually skip small talk and would prefer talking about geeky stuff that I enjoy as well, so I hardly ever feel lonely there. Some of the folks there have interesting brains to pick and there are usually activities (watching Q&A panels or gaming) that you can do alone.

I do not feel lonely among my colleagues on the work floor. I like it there. I like my colleagues. I can even go for a drink with them sometimes. However, I would not enjoy going to a party with them, where there are strangers. Then suddenly I’d feel like the alien again and I’d just want to go home. (Mind you, at first I was just neutral about being there and it took years to develop into a like.) (But now with covid-19 I don’t mind if I don’t have to see them until 2021 when a vaccine is found.)

Put a schizoid in a house alone, and we enjoy our own company. There won’t be feelings of loneliness there, but put us in a crowd, and you’re more likely to cause sadness in our hearts because we feel out of place and out of touch.

And many schizoids don’t even want to belong to particular crowds of people. It’s not a direct wish to be included in the particular group we are beholding. Take any group you can think of, we might see them and think “hell no I don’t want to be a part of that” and simultaneously think “they do seem happy though, I wish I could be as content”. But faking it is draining, and not rewarding at all with the wrong crowd of people, so you won’t see us try to mingle in such cases. (And practically everyone is “the wrong crowd of people” – we aren’t generally very trusting of strangers.)

The idea of a group of like-minded people that you can trust and have fun with, who really see you as you are, is alluring though. But most of us have given up on dreaming such groups exist for us. Some schizoids might have hope that they will encounter such groups to belong to, but have to be content with just being allowed to “exist” as part of a group. I don’t think it will be easy to feel full elation or full grief along the other members in the group, and thus we might feel a need to fake it or to just blend in. In doing so, we are, perhaps only subconsciously, also reminding ourselves we were never truly part of the group in the first place, since we do not fully fit into the collective. And thus our souls will feel alienated even more.

True connection with other people is rare.

I’d like to believe it’s not impossible though. There are schizoids who have found love and have long-term partners. So I’d like to believe there is still a possibility for true connection out there. We can be fiercely loyal to those who we deem worthy, but we can also be easily hurt if that person decides to break our trust.

I think those schizoids that don’t struggle with loneliness are also the ones that have accepted that love and connection is probably not going to work out for them in the long run. Why hope for an impossible dream when it’s more comfortable to just enjoy your own company and try to be content with that?

I won’t make a declaration on whether it is healthy or not to think that way. That’s up to a psychologist to decide.

But in my opinion, being able to be alone is an undervalued skill in modern day society. Especially in these covid-19 times when you see people go nuts when they can’t be alone for a day. So don’t let anyone make you feel bad for being different in that way, and for enjoying solitude.

Maybe we have this skill because we have been broken before, but the skill of comfortable solitude in itself is an asset, not a curse. And even when we are ‘fixed’ by therapy, it is still a skill we can rely on for the rest of our lives.

And as a final note to today’s blog post, allow me to add a very cheesy song as a recommendation in the same theme. From the soundtrack of the Phantom of the Opera movie, Learn to be Lonely, or as someone in the comment section on youtube said: “Ah, the anthem of the emotionally neglected child.”

[cinderspewed]

CALLOUT: MUTUALS, BE CAUTIOUS OF YOUR ANONS.

                        If you’ve been following me for many moons, you know that I have NEVER made a callout post for anything or anyone. I have established myself in such a way, that when I tell someone to leave me alone ( aka: politely fuck off ), they do. I have also befriended the blocking button and have been good at leaving peoples names out of my mouth. Because talking about hurtful people isn’t worth it and usually the problem goes away when you avoid someone. However, my efforts for this particular situation have NOT been fruitful. I will be placing my experience under a read more.                         Prior to me addressing anything, I wanted to state that I am NOT asking anyone to do anything out of line, not to send anonymous hate, nor to even block a certain person. All I ask is that you be very mindful of the anonymous messages you might receive regarding certain users. Chances are, they probably didn’t send them and the context of the anonymous messages has gotten too out of line for us. You might think “what’s the big deal?” while you’re reading this. The big deal is this: if someone blocks you, you take the hint and leave them alone and you don’t send asks/IMs constantly asking about them no matter how “innocent” they seem.

                        Once upon a time, I was minding my own business when I noticed a certain user ( @coffeeiisms ) had followed me. They have since then deleted their blog, but at the time, they were sending me asks and IMs. I ignored them, because they were not a mutual and because their character was the type that would receive negative feedback from my own character. While I know Dei can be mean, I don’t LIKE having him be mean if I haven’t really established a connection with someone, because usually people think it reflects the muns feelings, so I ignored it all. It wasn’t until they IMed me asking to write that I politely told them no (x).                         I went out to get ice cream from the store. And I returned to a string of IMs essentially guilt-tripping me for not wanting to write with them (x). Unfortunately, I did not take screenshots, because I was content with the idea that I would never have to interact with this person EVER again. However, I did copy and paste their words in a skype conversation I was having, as you see in the previous statement. I remember making a post saying you should NEVER guilt trip someone or put them down for not wanting to write with you. To which, my friend Loke ( @loketratan ) messaged me and asked if I was having an issue with, YOU GUESSED IT, coffeeiisms. They were receiving the same kinds of messages from them. Loke was not interested and chose to politely decline as well (x, x). However, they also received guilt-tripping as well (x, x). Again, we didn’t think this would escalate, so we have minimal screenshots, just copy and pasted segments of their IMs to us.                         At that point, Loke BLOCKED that user. We thought we were finished. Unfortunately, we were not. At that point, coffeeiisms contacted a mutual of Loke and proceeded to, out of the blue, ask if this person knew Loke and explained that they had been blocked by them (x). Then proceeded to call her a jerk. First and foremost, you don’t do that to anyone. If you get blocked, you get over it and move on. You DON’T walk into another users IMs and name drop them like that.                         You know what you also don’t do? You don’t send someone an anon shaming them for blocking you (x). Which is what coffeeiisms did. It’s not impossible guys; as much as I wish people couldn’t contact you when they’re blocked, they DEFINITELY can. And that’s exactly what they did. And I’m bringing this up for a reason as well ( foreshadowing much? ).                         Loke and I foolishly assumed that nothing would escalate after this point. Realistically speaking, how often does this even happen? Things seemed pretty quiet. Until another user ( @thepureststar ) happened to follow Loke and then myself. We instantly noticed a pattern. This user also sent an influx of random asks that ultimately went unanswered and they also IMed us wanting to write or just randomly talk. But something suspicious came with these asks. . . We received odd anons asking about particular users. The anons I got were usually about Loke. However, the anons Loke got were usually about me and other users (x, x, x, x, x, x) and consisted of very inappropriate, sexually-charged, romantic-driven questions/commands. And that’s just some of the one’s we SAVED, honey.                         Some of you may be wondering what the big deal is. Don’t people like to receive anonymous messages regarding connections certain characters have with others? Sure. For the most part. However, you also have to realize some people are NOT comfortable with that attention and they are not comfortable with romantically implied content. Especially when it comes out of the blue. WOW, it’s almost as if I have that somewhere in my rules-. . . Oh wait. I DO. And all you were doing was making me extremely anxious and uncomfortable. But, fuck my feelings right? You think that just because I have you blocked, this doesn’t apply to you.                         Here’s also another kicker. When people namedrop on anon, some people might think that THAT PERSON was the one who sent the anon in the first place. In other words, if you’re asking someone what they think of cinderspewed on anon, that person might very well assume I might have sent that, because who else really knows me or talks about me with said person?                         Something peculiar also occurred: thepureststar was also contacting other people in IMs asking if they knew Loke (x). And, WOW. . . Would you look at that? They misspelled Loke’s URL the SAME way coffeeisms did. It’s almost as if-. . . GASP. They were the same person. Spoiler alert. THEY ARE. They also sent other people asks about Loke as well (x), which again were romantically charged. Again, please keep in mind...some people aren’t comfortable with this direct namedropping and attention, especially with people they are just starting to interact with. This gives off a negative impression, as if to imply that all Loke’s character wants is to have sex or get romantically involved with another muse. You obviously know nothing about her portrayal if you assume the mun is that kind of person.                         Loke had already blocked thepureststar. The similarities were too uncanny to coffeeiisms. In that moment, they had sent a personal blog to send Loke a message asking why they blocked thepureststar. However, we suspect that this personal blog was indeed YOURS, purest. Because, WHAT A COINCIDENCE, it’s deleted too. And thankfully for you, we don’t have the screenshot. Maybe that makes us fools, sure. But we wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt that you would kindly fuck off, leave us alone, and that you would cease your stalking tendencies when you went unanswered and ignored. You purposefully picked people you thought wouldn’t do a damn thing to defend themselves and you should honestly be ASHAMED of yourself. Just because we don’t publicly dismiss you, DOESN’T mean we tolerate you. We were trying to help you SAVE FACE, because we’re not assholes. We’re adults, we know when to put things to rest and move on. But you don’t.                         The the invasive anonymous messages kept coming ( as displayed previously ). Anything from Loke’s sexuality to who he’s writing with. You even sent me an anon about Loke as well...and then proceeded to send another message off anon just 2 minutes after (x) so I know it’s you. After all. . . I had already answered an ask regarding my thoughts on Loke. . .because Loke was the one who fucking sent it in the first place (x). I blocked you. I blocked your IP. I did it to help you save face, but it seems NOTHING has changed. Despite Loke’s efforts to completely detach from you, your invasive asks still keep coming (x) and we know it’s you, because you’ve asked questions like this before to the person you reference (x).

                        YOU’RE STALKING LOKE’S BLOG. It’s obvious and it needs to stop. A user who innocently wished Loke a happy birthday even got an anonymous message from you (x). They haven’t even interacted or written with each other yet! So it seems you’ll just hit up anyone just to keep Loke’s name in your mouth. And that’s disgusting. Your asks may seem innocent on the outside, but I see RIGHT through them. It’s almost as if you want to write with her so bad and interact with her. . .that you’re willing to go through other people to live out this facade and just have her respond to you in general. That’s obsessive, that’s extra, and you’re asking so many awkward questions without taking into consideration the person you namedrop’s comfort or Loke’s comfort in general!                         It’s Loke’s fucking BIRTHDAY today. And she has to wake up to your bullshit. And she has to live through this nightmare all over again, gathering proof to the best of her ability, about yet another stalking incident she’s unfortunately had to endure. I pray that this incident isn’t as severe and serious as the one she had to deal with in real life. I want to think of you as a desperate joke for letting things get this far, letting things get this big. You could have just walked away, but for some reason. . .you latched onto Loke and me. And you honestly found the two worst people to fuck with.                         So this is just a precaution to everyone. If at any point, you get an anonymous message about Loke or myself or even another mutual that says “do you know so and so?” or anything of that nature. . . All I ask is that you ignore it. That’s it. It’s honestly a simple request. Because I don’t want anyone getting involved with someone who could potentially become obsessed with them and incorporate them into inappropriate asks.                         I am well aware that we are all doing the same thing, we’re all writing and engaging in a fictional world. . . But we’re also human beings and we also know when to step out of this magic circle of fiction we’ve created. Or rather, we SHOULD. There are rules for a reason and we should all be considerate and mindful. And when someone blocks you. . .we should know NOT to pursue them or try to gain their attention. Because enough is enough. No one deserves to feel anxious over something so immature and petty. And I love my friends too much to see them get affected by this, especially someone as strong and outspoken as Loke. I PRAY I don’t have to make a part two for this. I PRAY we’re done here. I PRAY this is the most minuscule thing I have to ever encounter. Because this isn’t even me being ugly. . . But I damn sure can be.

[sasuhinasno1fan]

Trip in the woods

@shadowdragon1553, I’m your pitch hitter for the VLD Halloween exchange. I liked the idea of Lance being utterly terrified of ghost, mostly because of my own story which involves the gang going out and chasing different crypids and ghosts, with Lance getting kidnapped by them a lot. I was trying to think of a spirt, so I decided to pull one from my own cultures folklore. I hope you enjoy and that you had a happy Halloween.

“Why are we here? We could be back at my place watching horror movies.” Lance asked, holding onto Keith’s arm. They were walking through the forest near their town after Pidge sent Keith a message from a supernatural sighting blog they both followed. Lance just wanted to spend their Halloween watching horror movies and giving out candy to any kids living in his apartment complex, but instead, while he was making out with Keith on the couch, the older of the two got distracted by his phone going off and then he proceeded to drag Lance out.

“There was sighting of Lugahoo here, which isn’t normal, so I have to check it out.” Keith said, looking around, the flashlight lighting their way.

“A what?”

“Lugahoo. It’s a mythological creature that originated in Trinidad. Didn’t you say you know someone from there?”

“One of my mom’s friends live there but the only thing I know from there is Carnival and pastels.” Lance corrected. “I know nothing about mythology.”

“I assume that last thing is a food.” Keith said, looking over at his boyfriend.

“A very good one. What is this thing anyway?”

“Lugahoo is a shapeshifting creature with no head and a coffin around its neck. It also has a chain on its neck and drags a whip with it. They’re only known in Trinidad, which is weird that it was seen here.” Keith said, turning to Lance when he felt him tighten his grip on his arm.

“But why are we out here?”

“Lance, are you scared?”

“What was your first clue?” Lance asked, sarcastically.

“Of ghosts, yeah. I didn’t think you’d be bothered by this.”

“Keith, this is a ghost like creature. Ones that come from folklore are way scarier because they usually have a motive, not just aimlessly wondering around. Can we please, please, please not do this?”

Keith looked like he really wanted to protest but judging from the extremely scared look on his face, Lance would not survive a night out looking for this creature. And as much as Keith liked going to look for them, he cared about Lance more than to let him suffer for his own curiosity.

“Ok. We can go back.” Lance looked much calmer at that idea when Keith’s phone rang. Lance loosened his hold so Keith could get his phone in time and answer. “Hello?”

“Are you there? Have you seen it? Can you take a picture or will it be too risky without that dog thing?”

Keith sighed. “Not like I can’t do that Pidge, plus I’m not putting dog eye guck in my own eye.” He could hear Lance letting out a grossed out noise. “Besides, I’m with Lance and he’s getting scared. We’re heading back.”

“Wait, you brought Lance with you? But Lance hates ghosts.”

“Yes, I know. I didn’t know that folklore ghosts scare him.”

“I don’t know how you don’t know that, but Keith! I need to know if it’s a real thing.” Pidge whined

“Pidge, I am not dragging Lance further into the forest with me, forget it.”

He felt Lance tugging on his jacket sleeve and turned to his boyfriend, who looked a bit guilty.

“I can go to the car myself and wait for you. As long as you promise to come back.”

Keith could tell Lance felt guilty about dragging him back but Keith didn’t mind. Though, he was really curious about the creature.

“I can see your mind going. I know how to get back to the car. Just please try not to get killed by this thing, if it is real.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Ok, use your flashlight on your phone and call me when you get into the car and,” Keith pulled out his car keys and handed them to Lance, “turn the headlights and call me if I’m taking longer than 20 minutes.”

“Yes sir.” Lance answered, pulling out his phone and turning the flashlight on. “I can text you on my way there, just to let you know where I am?”

“If it makes you feel safer.” Lance nodded.

Keith used his own to follow Lance until he disappeared behind a tree. Keith tried not to worry, he was sure Lance would get back to the car without any trouble.

“I really don’t like this, so you’re going to have to buy me discounted candy tomorrow.” Lance said, using his voice to text function on his phone so he could continue looking forward. He was glad to see he was on the right path. “So much discounted candy, so you had better not die because-ahh!” Lance let out a scream when something went running across his path but he saw a furry red tail and let out a sigh. He saw that the text had sent when he screamed, which had also been copied to text. “Don’t be worried, it was just a fox. You owe me so much candy mister because if you die, I’m finding some way to resurrect you just to say I told you this whole thing is a bad idea.” Lance sent that text as well before continuing. “I also demand lots and lots of cuddles when this is over.” Lance tensed at the sound of a bush rustling. “Lots and lots of cuddles.”

Lance continued down the path when he spotted something from the corner of his eye. He looked over and thought he saw another light. He rubbed at his eyes, sure it was the bright light of his flashlight messing with his eyes. But there it was still there. Common sense was telling Lance not to, but he turned the flashlight off, just to see and there it was, this strange light floating in the air. Lance knew he should turn tail and run away from it but when it started moving, Lance felt his body moving after it. He didn’t know how long he followed the light for but before he knew it, it had disappeared and whatever fog that had glazed over his mind disappeared as well. He blinked and looked around, not knowing where he was. He quickly turned on his flashlight, shinning it on the area around him. Which he didn’t recognise.

He pulled up the conversation he had with Keith, more than ready to send Keith a text telling him he got lost when he noticed at the corner of his screen. No bars. The forest he was in was known for its spots with no service but it was usually much deeper, and they hadn’t even gone in that far in. how did he even get here? At the sound of branches moving, Lance tensed up and let out a quiet whimper. He back up against a tree, sliding down until he was sitting on the ground. Lance felt like he was in the middle of every horror movie of his nightmares.

Keith would come looking for him right? He had been sending text messages his whole way back to the car, he had to notice the sudden stop. But Lance was much further than he was supposed to be. What if Keith couldn’t find him? Keith couldn’t call him. That light brought him here. What if it was part of that thing, the Lugahoo’s way to separate people? It had to be real right? That weird light, he saw it and before he knew it his body was moving on its own.

His whole body stopped at the sound of something, chains rattling. Didn’t Keith say that thing had a chain around its neck? He let out another soft whimper, curling up tightly on himself, wishing that Keith was with him or at least that he knew he was coming for him.

He heard the rattle again and was close to screaming when he heard something.

“Lance? Lance, where are you?”

“Keith?”

“Lance!”

“Keith!”

He heard the sound of footsteps running towards him and saw the beam of light right before he saw Keith.

“Keith!” Lance was up on his feet and in Keith’s arms before he knew it. The sudden surge of relief washed down on Lance as his eyes flooded with tears.

“Lance, how did you get over here? I was searching for you for an hour.”

Hour? It only felt like only a few minutes had passed since he followed that light. He gripped Keith’s shirt tightly as the tears fell from his eyes as Keith rubbed his back trying to calm him down.

“Come on, let’s get back to the car.” Keith said.

“How? I don’t know where we are.”

“We’re not that much deeper in the forest. You’re lucky I know this place, I wouldn’t have been able to find you then. Come on.”

Lance’s grip on Keith’s arm was much tighter this time, as he also pressed himself as closely as he could to Keith as he possibly could. He never looked happier than when they finally broke through the trees and got back into the parking lot. Keith took the keys from Lance and unlocked the door, opening Lance’s door for him. Once Lance was in, he was quick to get in his own seat, locking the door behind him and making sure the headlights and interior lights were on before turning his attention back to Lance.

“Lance, what happened? I was getting an influx of texts from you, one which scared me because of that fox and then it stops and you won’t answer my calls. How did you veer so off course?” Keith asked carefully, trying to let Lance know he wasn’t upset with him, just worried

Lance could hear this in Keith’s voice but the reason almost didn’t seem real.

“I don’t know if you’ll believe me but even though I’m so sure it happened, I don’t know if I saw what I saw. But, I was on the path back to the car and I saw something at the corner of my eye and stupidly I turned my flashlight off and there was this floating light.”

“Floating light?”

Lance nodded. “I know I should have just gotten out of there, but it’s like my body wouldn’t listen to me and before I knew it I just followed it until it disappeared and I was completely lost.”

Keith took a hold of Lance’s hands, rubbing them gently as he spoke. “Lance-”

“What, you don’t believe me?”

“No I do, trust me I do. It just what I’m going to say you might not like. There’s something called a Jacakalantan in Trinidadian folklore.”

“Jack-o-lantern?”

“Similar sound, different spelling. Thing is, while Jack-o-lanterns are said to ward off spirits, a Jacakalantan is a spirt in the shape of mysterious light that lures people away from where they’re trying to go, making them lost.”

“That’s the second one. Oh god, Keith. I heard chains, in the forest. You said that thing had chains and could shapeshift and-how do I know if this is you and-” Lance was slowly becoming more and more panicked

“Lance.” Keith grabbed Lance’s shoulders, making Lance look at him and spoke slowly, “your name is Lance McClain. You’re the middle child of your family. You work as an assistant manager to a synchronised swimming group and also do part time modelling on the side and more than anything you want someone, be it me, one of our friends or your family to either get you a Savanah, Munchkin, Scottish Fold or even an American Curl cat and you don’t care what the cat looks like but you want to name it Blue. And Lugahoo can’t change into people, only animals. It’s me I swear.” Keith wrapped Lance in his arms as his boyfriend dissolved into tears again. “I’m so sorry I made you do this. I’m so sorry.”

“Can we just go home?”

“We can do that.”

If anyone noticed that Lance took time off work and didn’t sleep without the lights on, they didn’t say anything. When news about someone found hurt in the same woods they were in, covered in whip marks and begging not to hear the rattling chains and Lance begged Keith to stay over and didn’t leave his apartment, they didn’t say anything then either. All they knew was something happened that night and no amount of questions or begging would get them an answer.