#not quite little archie. littler archie

[homiehugs]

baby’s first chuck e cheese visit :3 bonus version in color

[lizabethstucker]

The Misadventures of Nero Wolfe edited by Josh Pachter

Subtitled: Parodies and Pastiches Featuring the Great Detective of West 35th Street

I loved this collection of stories, with only a few exceptions. Overall, I would give it 4.5 out of 5.

Introductions: Trouble in Triplicate

“At Wolfe’s Door” by Otto Penzler ~ about the characters.

“A Family Affair” by Rebecca Stout Bradbury ~ Rex Stout’s daughter provides a peek at the author.

“Plot It Yourself” by Josh Pachter ~ how the collection came to be.

Pastiches (Respectful imitations of the original works)

“The Red Orchid” by Thomas Narcejac

Translated from French, the story was written in 1947. The first English publication wasn’t until 1961. A young woman comes to hire Wolfe to discover who is trying to kill her uncle, a man who claims to have developed a red orchid. More creepy than respectful, especially how Archie hits on the female client. Too offensive for me. DNF

“Chapter 8 from ‘Murder in Pastiche’” by Marion Mainwaining

Published in 1955, this novel can also be found under the title of “Nine Detectives All at Sea”. A notorious gossip columnist is murdered during a sea cruise across the Atlantic. There are nine famous detectives on the ship as passengers. Trajan Beare, aka Nero Wolfe, is the focus of this particular chapter. It is hard to judge the whole book based on just one chapter. However, the characterization should be noted as being extremely close to the original source material. A nice read. No rating as it is just an excerpt.

“The Archie Hunters” by Jon L. Breen

Written in 1968, but never published until now. A cross of Nero Wolfe and Mike Hammer. Mock Himmler beats the crap out of anyone he encounters, particularly if they disagree with him or do something he doesn’t like. After beating up a news seller for carrying a “commie” magazine, Mock discovers an ad in the back requesting a private investigator for a missing person case. The ad, placed by Nero Wolfe, leads Mock to presume the missing person is Archie Goodwin. I’ve never been a fan of Mike Hammer nor his creator, Mickey Spillane, finding both of them to be disgusting in their love of violence, misogyny, and attitudes in general. I did enjoy this story nonetheless. 4 out of 5

“The Frightened Man” by O. X. Rusett

Gave up early on this anagram-stuffed story, even to the author’s name. More annoying than clever or cute. DNF

“Chapter 1 from ‘Murder in E Minor’” by Robert Goldsborough

I read the whole book when it was first published and, frankly, wasn’t too impressed. I do know that Goldsborough was selected by the Stout Estate to be the official author of the novels and I have read a few of his more recent books. I may try and reread it sometime down the road to see if my opinion has changed. No rating as it is only one chapter.

“The Purloined Platypus” by Marvin Kaye

While Goldsborough has the exclusive novel rights, Kaye asked to write short stories and was given the Estate’s permission as long as no novels were ever written. Benjamin Moultrie, president and board chairman of the Museum of the Strange, Odd and Peculiar, wants to hire Wolfe to investigate a robbery at the museum. As I wasn’t reading the magazines such as Ellery Queen and Alfred Hitchcock, I missed reading any of these stories. Which is quite a tragedy. Excellent portrayals of not only the characters, but the case itself. 4 out of 5.

Parodies (Exaggerated imitations intended to poke fun at the source material)

“The House on 35th Street” by Frank Littler

Originally appeared in The Saturday Review in 1966. Little is known about the author, despite Pachter’s research attempts. A crowd is assembled in the Brownstone in a murder case, wanting to see some of the detective’s famous actions and quirks. There is an undercurrent of a very personal nature, especially at the end. 3.5 out of 5

“The Sidekick Case” by Patrick Butler

Another entry from The Saturday Review, this time in 1968, and another case of little information on the author. Wolfe objects to Archie being called a “sidekick” in a listing of the latest book. Cute. 3.5 out of 5

“The Case of the Disposable Jalopy” by Mack Reynolds

America has turned into an illiterate welfare state, Wolfe and Archie are old and sometimes forgetful, and things are beyond tight financially. Reynolds uses the last names of some of the biggest authors in Science Fiction in the story. These men want to hire Wolfe for a case of sabotage and the disappearance of a key developer. What a weird world Reynolds has built. As to the updates on the normal cast of characters in the series? Well, I never liked Orrie anyway. 4 out of 5

“As Dark as Christmas Gets” by Lawrence Block

An unpublished manuscript written by Cornell Woolrich is stolen during a Christmas party. The owner hires Wolfe wannabe Leo Haig and his Goodwin substitute, Chip Harrison, to recover it. I’ve come across stories in this series before and loved them, both for the obvious affection for the source material as well as the excellent characterization. 4.5 out of 5

“Who’s Afraid of Nero Wolfe?” by Loren D. Estleman

Arnie Woodbine, currently on parole, was fired from his last job for gambling on company time. He needs a job and finds an ad looking for an assistant sharp of wit. He finds himself hired by Claudius Lyon, a corpulent man with delusions of being Nero Wolfe. Arnie is hired as his Archie. Now all they need is a case. Since Lyon doesn’t have a private detective license and Arnie’s felony record prevents him from ever getting one, they would not be able to charge for their services. No problem as Lyon is actually quite wealthy. Their first case is regarding a poetry award that carries with it a $10,000 prize. One winner doesn’t appear to actually exist. Seriously one of the best sendups that I’ve ever read! This was a delight to read and deserved more stories. 4.5 out of 5.

“Julius Katz and the Case of Exploding Wine” by Dave Zeltserman

A friend of Julius’ that has a champion bulldog and heads a dog food company comes to see Julius with the dog in tow, asking for help to find someone to prevent Brutus from being kidnapped. He also asks that Julius find his murderer if he’s killed. Sure enough, the man is killed. Julius had agreed to investigate, but only after he gave the police a week to solve it themselves. Just as the week is up, an adversary calls to warn Julius that there is a bomb in his house, contained in a box of wine. Julius allows almost everyone to believe he is dead after the townhouse is completely destroyed from top to bottom. I absolutely loved this sorta tribute to Rex Stout. I’m particularly intrigued by Archie, an AI who is installed in Julius’ tie pin. That alone has me eyeing the book collections, but to be honest, this is a damn fine mystery. Julius is definitely not Nero Wolfe, at least in size, athleticism (martial arts), and loving women (a former womanizer who now has a regular girlfriend). He definitely is in the aspects of intelligence, laziness, and cutting Archie out of the loop. His collecting focus is wine rather than orchids, but both can be very expensive hobbies. 4.5 out of 5.

“The Possibly Last Case of Tiberius Dingo” by Michael Bracken

Age and diet are catching up to Tiberius Dingo’s body, but his mind and deductive reasoning is still as sharp as ever. His long-time assistant, Jughead Badloss, brings a client he dances with at the Senior Center, a woman who is certain she is being stalked. Family ties and age-old secrets are ripped out into the open before the case is done, for their client and for Jughead himself. The names are a little lame, but the story made up for it. 3.5 out of 5.

Potpourri

“The Woman Who Read Rex Stout” by William Brittain

Gertrude Jellison was the fat lady at a carnival sideshow, an intelligent woman whose extreme weight, over 500 pounds, kept her from her dream job of teaching psychology. Her partner, Robert Kirby, is the thin man, barely weighing seventy-five pounds. As a stunt, the carnival boss gave her Rex Stout’s Nero Wolfe books to read during the shows. Surprisingly enough, Gert loved them and continued reading. She never expected to use what she learned to solve a murder, but sadly a newer member of the troup, a beautiful woman named Lili who was like a daughter to Gert, is murdered and the older woman knows she can solve the crime. This is a character that I could seriously have loved to read more about. A good little mystery as well, even if I quickly realized who the murderer would turn out to be. 3.5 out of 5.

“Sam Buried Caesar” by Josh Pachter

Police inspector Griffen had eleven children, each of whom was named after a famous fictional detective. Nero, just eleven years old, had set up his own detective agency, aided by his best friend and neighbor Artie Goodman. Their latest client, Sam, came to them after his dog, Caesar, was hit and killed by an out-of-state driver. Not wanting the poor animal to be left coldly abandoned on the street, he buried the dog in an empty lot. Coming back a short time later to get Caesar’s collar, the body is missing. He hires Nero and Artie to find the killer and recover the body. Sad and cute and inventive, but how Artie puts up with Nero will always be a mystery. 3.5 out of 5.

“Chapter 24 from Rasputin’s Revenge” by John Lescroart

The basic premise is that Nero Wolfe is the son of Sherlock Holmes and Irene Adler. I’ve not read this particular book, but it appears to be the last chapter in which Archie and Wolfe, going under his original name, are in Russia, appeared to have come up against Gregori Rasputin (although the author has it as Gregory), and was helped by Holmes and Dr. Watson after they were wanted for murder. I’m not going to rate it as I don’t consider it fair to rate a novel based on just one chapter.

“A scene from Might as Well Be Dead” by Joseph Goodrich

Adaptation of the story into a play. Once again, not rated.

“The Damned Doorbell Rang” by Robert Lopresti

When their fourteen granddaughter came to visit in a snit because her parents won’t allow her to go with friends to a concert in New York City, Eve and Jack decide to tell her about why they left the City. When they were younger, they had a brownstone in the City. Their neighbors were definitely different, all men living there. Jack didn’t much like any of them and keeps disparaging Eve’s stories about what they saw while living there. But Eve tells a tale of how she saved the men’s lives. Too many close calls are the reason that they moved to New Jersey. How could I not love this outsider’s look at Nero Wolfe? 3.5 out of 5.

[forasecondtherewedwon]

Can you do sweetbee prompt 93”it’s a shame nobody asked for your opinion” and 98 “hold me back!” Please there’s barley and fanfic for them😭♥️

Absolutely! Thanks for your patience. I went Western AU with this drabble, ‘cause that’s kinda my thing. Hope you enjoy!!

93. “It’s a real shame nobody asked for youropinion.”

AND

98. “Hold meback!”

“Hold me back!” one of Betty’s youngsters squeaked; it was the voice he’d createdfor the puppet he was posing on the little stage Fred Andrews had constructedfor their show. Another puppet, flailingly controlled by her friend Josie’sdaughter, came whizzing across the desert backdrop to perform the task,wrapping oversized puppet arms around its companion.

A rival puppet with a black hat and lopsided mustache waved his arm sort ofthreateningly, brandishing the felt gun Betty herself had stitched to its handand screeching his rejoinder in the tone of the seven-year-old child whowielded him. Betty gasped loudly from the front row, pretending she hadn’t seenit all before during a dozen practice runs, and signalled with her hand at thesame time to cue the entrance of the next character.

It was absolutely engrossing, playing both spectator and director, but theyoung teacher wasn’t so absorbed that she missed a male voice openly mockingtheir production. Her lips tightened as she fought to keep focused throughthis, the final scene, but as soon as they play ended―with hearty applause fromall those who had stopped at their amateur theatre alongside theschoolhouse―Betty rose with a whip of her skirts and sought the jackass who haddared criticise her students.

“Did you ever see anything so pathetic?” a tall man in dark clothes was askingof his companion, similarly dressed. The look of them told her these were twomembers of the notorious Serpent gang currently passing through Riverdale onthe way to nothing good. The sight of them would’ve stopped a more fearfulwoman in her dusty tracks. It didn’t stop Betty.

“It’s a real shame nobody asked for your opinion,” she said, sweetly andsarcastically, holding her head high. “Maybe for our next performance we’lltake notes from the stupidest people we can find. If you’re still in town, I’llbe sure to solicit your review.”

With that, she turned on her heel, equally satisfied with herself andannoyed with the man for the amused grin that had developed on his face as shespoke. The worst thing about it was how handsome it made him look.

The children were scattered, chattering and chasing each other with thepuppets. Betty began collecting additional props, plus the stool one of thelittler ones had been standing on to reach the stage. When she turned around,the Serpent man’s friend was gone, but he was staring straight at her. Shelooked quickly off to the side. He got in her way, clearly on purpose, so shetrod across his boot. His laughter (well, fine, maybe she didn’t weigh enoughto hurt him) inspired her to adjust the stool in her hands, making one legconnect with the man’s groin. She strolled by with a satisfied smile, but hewas still standing there―more upright than she’d left him―when she came backout of the schoolhouse and started down the steps. In fact, he’d made himselfquite comfortable, leaning on the railing, one boot resting on the lowest step.

“Well,” Betty suggested, irritation making her bolder than she was known tobe in her town, “you’d better get going. There are many more children in Riverdalebesides the ones attending this school and I’m not sure I’d be able to sleeptonight if I didn’t think you’d managed to harass them all.”

The man shrugged and pushed his wide-brimmed hat back on his head. Lookingdown on him slightly from a higher step, Betty saw how young he was, maybearound sixteen, like herself. It surprised her.

“Or I could give up that pursuit and find a way to help you sleep instead.”He gave her a lazy, self-assured grin that she told herself she didn’t enjoyone bit.

“If you continue to speak to me in that manner, I’ll shout for ArchieAndrews and he’ll put you to sleep.Permanently,” she clarified, narrowing her eyes at him.

“You’re his gal?”

“Well, I…” Betty faltered. “He’s my oldest friend.” Realizing she was beingdistracted, she glared at the man. “Now leave. I mean it.”

He held up his hands in surrender, looking unbothered.

“Could do that, but I’d rather apologize first.”

Betty considered this and finally nodded. What an odd man this stranger wasturning out to be! A moralist criminal. Of all the novelties to breeze throughtown.

“Phrase it as best you can, though I suspect I’ll have to improve yourspeech before I can offer it to the children.”

The man clicked his tongue off the roof of his mouth, apparently disapprovingof something she’d said. Betty was certain it was only the truth and claspedher hands in front of her, preparing to receive his admission of guilt andrequest for forgiveness.

“I’m not the least bit sorry about that,” he revealed with a snort, “but, hell,they’re kids. Little toughness is good for ‘em. Little truthfulness. That’s howSerpents are raised.”

Betty’s mouth fell open.

“If you weren’t sorry for your initial ill-treatment of them, then theapology must have been something you thought up in advance for that horridspeech you’ve just spoken to me!”

“I’m beginning to be curious,” he admitted, hand sliding higher up therailing as he leaned towards her.

“About what exactly?” Betty inquired stiffly.

One of her students came bounding up the stairs and she was forced to stepdown, closer to the man.

“How many times you’ll be wrong about me. Also,” he added, “about yourname.”

Exasperated, Betty crossed her arms tightly, then recalled it wasn’ttremendously ladylike and unfolded them again. Too quickly, she shot her handout for the railing and laid it accidentally atop his. She snatched it back andhe laughed at her. No one ever laughed at her!

Evidently accepting that she would not be providing the information hesought, the man went on.

“So. My apology. I’m sorry for saying I would help you find a way to sleep,”he began contritely. Suddenly, his mischievous grin returned. “Because there’snothin’ to look for. I know exactly how I’d tire you out.” His gaze swept overher like a dust storm and Betty felt all turned around.

Her good sense and her student Catherine Mantle returned at the same moment,the latter carrying the black-hatted-puppet loosely in her hands. Betty grabbedit and hurled it at the man, smacking him square in the face. She wished thatlittle felt gun had been real because the force of it hitting him might’vebroken his nose which she, normally so passive, found she dearly wanted to do.

At least he appeared startled.

“Miss Elizabeth!” the child exclaimed, shocked to see the character thusabused.

“It’s alright, Cat,” Betty assured her, taking her gently by the shouldersand steering her ahead of herself into the schoolhouse, “I’ll mend it later.”

“Elizabeth,” the man idly commented. Ill-advisedly, Betty gave him thepleasure of letting him catch her eye. She rolled hers excessively. He tappedhis chest. “Sweet Pea.”

“Like the flower?” she asked, halfway across the threshold.

“Precisely, miss.”

“What an unfortunate association,” Betty scaldingly declared. “For theplant, I mean.”

“I will allow you the privilege of rethinking that comment, fair Elizabeth,once you’ve been close enough to smell me.”

“A fantasy, sir.”

He tilted his head as though with epiphany.

“That must be why I’m already dreaming of it.”

Betty slammed the door shut, already wondering which establishment she’dhave to accidentally walk into for supper tonight in order to encounter himagain.

Prompts come from the narrowed down list here!