#not putting a readmore. suffer with me

[baldursyourgate]

I think the new breakup didn't work for people is because it's too skewed towards one aspect of her character: the power-hungry part and seemingly forgotten the god hating part. Which is why I think some additions to the choices to bring the other side forth can make it work.

But on the other hand, I think people (including me) are also defining her too much by the god-hating part and kind of forgot about power hungry part.

Minthara is both of these parts.

Exhibit A: Sure, she hates Shar, but once Shadowheart became a Dark Justiciar, she admires the power that Shar has granted her.

In the case where Nightsong is spared, Minthara pretty much think Shadowheart was robbed of her destiny.

Sounds familiar?

She's also ok with handing Shart's ass back to Viconia (who she is also not fond of), because the trade-off was manpower that aid our cause.

Honestly, I think dealing with people she doesn't like to get the most out of it is just the average Menzoberranzan everyday activity.

All of that exists alongside the god-hating part:

She sees the wisdom in both. The power-hungry breakup dialogue needs something to balance it out with her god hating side.

Take in the context of the breakup dialogue too: you all are in Bhaal's temple, met Orin, killed Orin - Minthara's tormentor, then Durge died & got resurrected, communicated with THE god of Murder (tm). Sure as hell shit's intense. It's likely she contributes everything that's been done was due to Durge's strength aka the slayer birthright.

Girl's freaking out that much power is gone.

Yoinking from Reddit: "I think it's realistic for people to be blinded by power (power that could destroy the Netherbrain that once enslaved her, power that could help her exact vengeance) and became upset when it's gone. After all, she was really enamoured by "the Slayer" and did warn that she'll leave if Durge reject power, so this isn't totally out of whack like some comments I've read."

I'm too, on board with the idea of another dialogue that happens afterward at camp where she is calmer, and some time has passed so that she could think it through. I'm sure she can see the downsides of embracing Bhaal and the abundant advantages of doing otherwise. There, you can either reconcile with her or decide that her moment of "hypocrisy" and power-hungriness is a dealbreaker and end it once and for all.

That extra dialogue will make this complete I promise <3

[aroaceofthesea]

Anyways a bit of a recap of my life these last few weeks bc its crazy how much stuff ive done what do you mean its only the 14th of july it feels like summer should be ending soon and ive been very inactive on here:

Starting with sant joan lol (aka 24th of june) some friends came over and we hadnt really seen each other in a couple years (like yes but not really really like it was always super awkward but it was super cool this time😋😋)

Then the next day when they left one of my best friends came home too :) he was at the town next to mine and we spent the afternoon together :)

Then we did diving classes with my mom and also some family friends im now an open water diver that was pretty random ngl

Then after like. 2 days. chilling with just my mom (my sister was like 100% of the day every day with some friends that were around) some friends from a summer camp i did last year came over😋😋

They spent like 4 days i loved every day ngl we played cards a lot we went to the beach we did so many things how did we have time to play mao so much thats crazy lol (also so many crazy rules @ ppl that i know irl i have so many great rules to add when we play again weve gotta do iit)

When they left it was sad :( but i had no time to mope bc i had exactly 15 minutes at home so i kust took a shower and then went with another friend to canet rock (catalan music festival) it was super coool :) had the opportunity to see oques grasses live again♠️🪿 (though they didnt play bancals😭😭 one of my fave songs ever)(they have too many epic songs to play them all they need an extra hour at least ngl) anyways it was crazy loved almost all of it (not miki nuñez why did they put that guy in there) and yeah it was super cool

Then i went home arrived at like 9:15 am and proceeded to sleep almost 25h until 10 am the next day im told i missed a sushi lunch with family friends :(

The next day some friends were like who avalon :) so ofc i was like meee (usually during summer im not in the city but i was that say so ofc i was like i gotta go) (just so you gt an idea i couldnt talk like at all like half my sentences were whispered bc i had lost my voice at the festival and that game is like. you gotta talk or why are you playing lol) anyways luckily they guy i had gone with to the festival was also there and also couldnt talk so at least i wasnt alone😅😅

Then i was going back home and on the way home i met one of my only remaining childhood friends lol she went with me to elementary school (or idk what you call it until 6th grade whatever) and plays the trumpet with me and we spend a lot of the summer together and it was nice to see her she had also gone to that festival (its a very very popular festival and ppl my age could go basically for free so a lot of ppl went) and also had no voice lol but it was nice to see her

Then with my parents we went and had a pizza :)

Then i spent the week in barcelona (were talking about this week already) and tuesday a friend came over bc hes from outside but had a play in barcelona like every night that week (he plays the trombone hes reaaally good) so we spent the mornings together and then the afternoons he went there (i wish i could go they were playing with fucking dagoll dagom (catalan company that made famous musicals in catalan like mar i cel and they are closing the company this year😢😢) like hoow i wanna go😭😭)

Then friday i went to my summer home and there were my mom and also that friends brother and father lol so anyway weve spent the weekend together and it was rlly fun

And also like i was looking for cool concerts around here this summer bc festa major concerts are just 🔝🔝 you get to see your fave groups for free and like even if they are pretty popular when it isnt in a big town or a very well connected one maybe you have 100 or 200 ppl to very known bands like its crazy anyway i was checking (using the very efficient method of looking where each concert of each group was and putting it on google maps) and i was getting kinda depressed bc there werent any of the bands i like most and then i was like ok whatever lets check buhos AND THERE WAS ONE YESTERDAY (THE DAY I WAS LOOKING) AT LIKE 20 MINS so obviously we went and like even though i was basically alone (bc the guy i was with is like 14 and he knew some friends that were also close and went too so he spent most of the time with them and i didnt have any friends close) it was a buhos concert so obviously it was super cool also rlly cool bc they are like one of the only bands i like that didnt play at the festival from last week so rlly cool that ive gone to concerts of all my fave bands in just a week i love this (also i was like. 3 meters away from where the tahirt they threw fell😭😭 i wanted a buhos supporter tshirt thats sad)

OH ALSO yesterday too we went to the beach and we played volleyball with random ppl and it had been a whilr since we did that bc they usually see my sister who is very good and they are intimidated but my sister wasnt there so ppl kept coming and asking us to play (we have a net which is like telling ppl pls comee if youre less than like 7 or 8 ppl) and it was rlly fun (even though that one guy was very very annoying but the rest were rlly nice lol)

So yeah now you know basically everything about my life the last 3 weeks

[flufflecat]

The theraprism text reads: "YOU ARE NOW TWENTY ONE GRAMS LIGHTER"

And the fine print is under a readmore because its very long:

"This contract is legal and binding. We reserve the right to use your likeness, face, voice, and small town pluck in whatever nefarious manner is deemed necessary. Sans soul, your soulmate will not recognize you and will walk right past you on a cold autumn day, never making eye contact, not even processing that you have eyes at all. No amount of interacting will move them to a place where they can remember, in feeling, the thousands of lifetimes you have already spent together, each time choosing whatever form would keep you closest like otters holding hands in a tumultuous river. You were birds. You were trees with roots entangled, drinking in the sunlight together. “Wherever we go next, whatever you choose, I will always be right there with you.” Thats done, buddy. Congratulations! You have chosen Bill instead! McDonalds reserves the right to put a giant yellow M on your torso and forehead and send you walking through a crowded times square while you scream “The fries, the fries, they don’t degrade in nature!!! It’s an immortal food!!! They will be in landfills long past our deaths!” Good god, the things I’ve seen. Me, who am I? Oh I’m Bill’s previous lawyer. He put my soul into a quill pen so I can write his legal documents until the sun snuffs out like a candle in this sick universe. I used to be so hot! I was so fine! Now I’m fine print. Speaking of which, Bill reserves the right to put your soul into an inanimate object, a strange creature, a concept, a sentence, a tasteful but rustic mason jar with wildflowers in it. If at any point you wish to have visitation rights with your soul, you will be swiftly denied. Unless you had a cool day planned for the both of you, then Bill might want to come along. By signing this document you forfeit any rights to eating soul food. It will turn to ash in your mouth. A fitting punishment for a fool who squandered the only true gift life owes you. Bill reserves the right to dress your soul however he deems necessary, especially if your soul was a nerd before acquisition. Soulmakeoverrr! Your soul may become fractured and placed into different objects. This has no purpose and will not resurrect you if you die. Signee has forfeited all rights to any afterlife, including but not limited to: Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, Big Corner, Flow State, The Dream House, The Reincarnation Processing Center, Axolotl’s Tank and Consequences Hole. Signee can no longer board the soul train and is advised to discard all bellbottoms. Signee can no longer have a puppy as a best friend. They can sense what is gone. Cats are indifferent. Signee may experience occasional demon possession  from Horculus the Red, Plabos the Merciless, Morbus son of Mortem, Plaga the Oozing and other such common demons roaming Earth searching for weakened, empty vessels. Tips for ripping your soul out at home: watching Youtube commentary channels, attending an extended family event with an open bar, using generative AI and asserting that you are creating, turning a blind eye to human suffering, amassing more wealth than needed, purchasing a blue checkmark"

[minimujina]

ɪ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ɴᴇᴇᴅ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʜᴇʟᴘ

scara drabble turned emotional, not clickbait🔥had to put a readmore cause it got long, i didnt fkn plan this

thinking violently about taking care of scara’s wounds even though he’s not human and they’re literally going to fix themselves (let’s just. go with that. since idk how his body actually works LMFAOO). and he doesn’t even have the heart to tell you the first time you see him lightly injured—he tries to, really, but he can hardly get a word in with how firmly you insist on patching him up. he can’t find it in himself to interject with the real reason he’d be fine without your help, because good god you’re just so stubborn—and normally he wouldn’t give a lick about something as trivial as the feelings of a sentimental human, but there’s a part of him that finds it.. sweet, the way you care so much. even though it’s actually for no reason. even though this “purpose” you’ve found—following him around to take care of him when he gets hurt—is actually pointless in a way. even though he could spare both you and him extra work by telling you.

he just cant find it in himself to be the one to deflate you. he could deflate anyone, anyone at all—but not you. never you. somehow, you’re special. there is something about you that makes insults catch in his throat and ugly comments die before they even become a wisp of a thought.

your earnest gaze as you rush for him when his porcelain skin has been blemished—that, in particular, feels strangely familiar to him, but he does not know why. and your unabashed naivety irks him in a way, but it’s also one of the sole reasons he could not possibly ruin the moments between you two where you are touching him so gently and so lovingly, the only sounds being being the rustling of bandages and the chirping of insects, his leg bouncing violently and stomach playing jumprope at the feeling of your soft fingers ghosting over his artificial skin and his artificial wounds. your palms are sweaty as you work and your breathing is a bit loud, but he could not possibly care about anything less. things that would piss him off if done by anyone else—existing, for example, or any of the former mentioned “imperfections”—could pass very easily if the person was you.

and then there’s the selfish part of him, the part that can’t tell you because he would then be forced to forfeit those special moments of intimacy he had not experienced the likes of since his first breath of life. he wants you so selfishly; he sees no reason to squish your good, false faith while losing you in the process. that’s just a lose-lose scenario. what would he gain in return—a real relationship? pah. with relationships come suffering, and the fact that it is all entirely out of his control makes his empty chest convulse a bit.

he figured it’s alright to live a little white, harmless lie. it meant he could be close to you, it meant he could keep you around without being blatantly obvious about his affection (read: he could beat around the bush for as long as possible). he could avoid his feelings while still reaping the benefit of your presence.

but oh, trust me, it will certainly bite him in the ass eventually. he can’t run forever. you’ll get tired; you’ll think he’s sick of you. that he hates you. that he doesn’t want you around—he doesn’t need you.

and it’s true, actually, that he doesn’t need you.

however, there is a point to be made about relationships out of need versus relationships out of choice.

wouldn’t it be such a beautiful thing for him to finally stop pretending he only has you around because of necessity? if he makes it known that no, this is a choice that i am making—i am choosing to love you—his chest will be left wide open in all its empty glory, where there is no heart, but instead a vulnerable child. he’d be left with nothing but the hope that you will respond with grace, and that terrifies him.

and no, he is certainly not sick of you, nor does he hate you. he wants nothing more than you, than your presence. he wants everything to do with you. he wants you more than anything he’s ever wanted in his miserable, pathetic life, if it could even be called a life.

but does he need you? no.

and you know what’s so fascinating? he has not needed you all this time, and yet he’s kept you around. isn’t that interesting?

he chose you from the beginning with the guise of necessity. he pretended that it was because he needed it, needed you, needed your help—because somehow the idea that it was a choice made entirely of his own volition, for literally no reason other than he liked you, is absolutely mortifying. the last time he made such a choice, it destroyed him.

how is he supposed to justify keeping you around if he doesn’t even have a reason for it other than the butterflies in his artificial stomach? how can he justify it with his mere feelings?

his feelings make him weak. his feelings are the reason he was cast away in the first place.

it’s so much easier to pretend he’s detached. but detachment means he will only ever feel your artificial touch on his artificial skin, and nothing more. your well-intentioned hands on his fake skin, on his fake wounds. the porcelain cracks are spreading quickly, and he will do nothing about it.

the saddest part about all of it is the fact that he thinks he has to justify his feelings to anyone at all. he does not know what it means to do anything without immediately thinking about how to explain it should someone question him.

what he needs is not you. what he needs is to stop treating you like you’re a ghost from his past who will echo the aches and pains of all the people who hurt him. he can choose you in his mind, but if he holds you at an arm’s distance and does nothing about that choice, it will then mean nothing.

what he needs is to stop wishing he could have you without exposing himself in the process.

if he is to have you, he will be vulnerable with you. there is no choice in that matter. but what he does not understand is that such vulnerability is not dangerous if it’s you he’s with.

so that’s the one thing that you can do to help him—you must not only tell him, but show him, that you are not going to leave him at the drop of a hat if he is anything more than apathetic. that’s it. your only job will be to show him you are safe. that’s all you can do.

and then you must wait for him to believe you.

it’s not your job to fix him. and he can’t sit around and wait for someone to be his savior, the yin to his yang, the angel who will purify his sin. you cannot be any of that. nobody can.

but what you can be is his safe place, his heart, his joy, his lover. you can be—you are—the only one who is able to receive his angst and transform it into understanding. you can choose to love him, not because you need him, but because you want him, amidst all of his angst and suffering.

so that’s his job—realizing it’s possible that you could ever choose him, not of need, but of want, despite everything about him that is less than desirable. despite how difficult it will be. he already knows he’s chosen you, that’s not the hard part—he doesn’t have difficulty believing the lovability of others. the hard part is believing the lovability of himself.

and even when he finally accepts that you want him, even after he tells you the reason he does not need you to fix his injuries, you are still there to lovingly wrap a cloth around his fake, weeping skin.

he does not need you, and yet you remain, because you’ve made your choice—it doesn’t matter whether he needs you or not. he will have you because you chose to give yourself to him.

you will take care of his body not because you need to, but because you want to. you will love him simply because you can.

it’ll take him some time to understand that, but he’ll get there, i promise. please do be patient.

[egelskop]

i am so interested in ur hlvrai au can we get a rundown

oh boy, this is going under a readmore.

fair warning, this is a LONG read because (1.) i am not a competent writer and (2.) i can't for the life of me keep things brief. sorry and or good luck.

ACT I

The Black Mesa incident: Gordon Freeman is provided an opportunity to do an informal beta test for a combat training simulation program that's in development in the Research & Development department of the Black Mesa Research Facility. (Read: He knows a guy in R&D and said guy knows Gordon likes video games and VR stuff, so he was like "hey you should come check this out when you're on break.")

The combat sim would be a revolutionary training simulation using artificial intelligence to enhance and realize the experience for the ‘player character’.

The test goes wrong, and Gordon can’t seem to disengage from the simulation and odd, unscripted things start happening; he has to ‘play the game’ to its full completion before he is able to exit the simulation safely. He has suffered a brain injury throughout the process, eye damage due to prolonged exposure to the headset and is generally traumatized by the simulation experience he at some point could no longer physically and emotionally distinguish from the real world. The project as a whole is shut down and Gordon is put into a rehabilitation program. Black Mesa covers up the incident as best it can, but whispers of it still echo around the facility.

Below is a page for a two-page comic i never finished detailing said events.

ACT II

The rumors reach the ears of a particularly tech-savvy researcher named Clark, who steals the project documentation and anything else he can get his hands on from a storage. At home, he looks into the project, reads about it, and gets curious about the simulation’s files themselves. They’re on a drive he plugs into his computer, and suddenly his system’s performance lags, windows open and close until a txt. file opens up. He comes into contact with one of the simulation’s AI that has somehow entered his operating system. He tries to keep it busy by having it poke around as he reads up on the simulation and its ultimate shutdown. When the AI reveals it can see him through the webcam, he panics and rips the drive out of the port. The invasive AI and the other project files seems like they’re gone from his system, he does a checkup but sees nothing odd running or otherwise. The next day after work he does another checkup. Finding nothing, he surmises he’s in the clear and starts up an online game. The slumbering, corrupted data of the AI sees its out, and disappears into the game.

ACT III

The transition/journey to the game is a rocky one, and the already corrupted data of the AI known as Benrey splits and gets even more fragmented. The largest fragment embeds itself into the game’s files to keep itself running. Without the foundation of the game to support it, it’d be lost to a dead void and slowly die out. Somewhat stable, it learns about the world around it; the game seems to be an exploration sandbox game. For now (and clarity), I’ve chosen to call this bigger, embedded fragment ‘Data’. (so this is the big benny with the right eye/one big eye in my art)

Data splits off a smaller fragment of itself, intending it to be an avatar or ‘player character’ but this grows into its own awareness and becomes who we’ll call ‘Beastrey’ (the smaller benny with the left eye and tail in my art).

The fragment ‘Beastrey’ wakes to a dead void, so Data uses its knowledge to create a private server for Beastrey, an empty world. Beastrey’s existence is an extension of the bigger part, with more freedom of movement to parse through the game and move freely within it, with the caveat that it can’t go ‘too far’ away from the host. Beastrey can visit other servers and relay information. Data learns and slowly starts building up the world/private server, at some point settling for an aquatic world because it reminds it of itself (something something sea of data). It's important to note that Beastrey retains little to no memories of the events of canon VRAI.

Data makes it easier for Beastrey to move around, and they grow to have more reach with time. At some point Data can alter the basic structural elements of the game, so it plays around with making things that are reminiscent of the memories it has of Black Mesa and Xen. At one point, it gains access to parse through the player base of the game, and takes note of an email address: ‘g.m.freeman@gmail.com’, attached to a player account. The name is somewhat familiar to it.

It sends an invite to join the server to the player account.

ACT IV

Gordon tries going back to work at Black Mesa after rehabilitating, but he has trouble separating his experiences with the simulation from reality, to a breaking point where an altercation with a security guard drives him to quit. He seeks professional help for his PTSD and anxiety, but still experiences dissociative episodes, migraines and somatic flashbacks localised mostly in his right forearm. Despite this, he is determined to continue living his life as normally as possible. He applies for a part-time job teaching physics at a local high school, the one where his son Joshua goes to, and remains relatively stable from there.

Joshua is 15 years old. Regular teen. After an impressive amount of pleading he got a VR-headset for his 14th birthday from Gordon (much to the disapproval of Gordon’s ex), and he’s been captivated by an exploration sandbox game since it came out a few months ago.

He gets an invite to an unnamed private server, and he accepts.

He is struck with awe as the world he enters seems completely different from the ones he’s seen so far in the game. Different flora, different fauna. Most of it uninteractible, though, or otherwise just retextured from its base game variant. Even the new enemy types, after a scare, can’t actually hurt him, it seems. He stumbles upon Beastrey, who is just as surprised to see him and wants him out until Joshua says he was invited.

Joshua commends Beastrey (who introduces himself as 'Ben-') on ‘modding’ everything in, but admits that he was disappointed to find that everything was just surface-level stuff. Beastrey inquires about what he’d like to see. Data is always watching, unseen, and decides to alter the world in the way Joshua described when Joshua leaves.

Joshua starts appearing more often, if only for a few hours at a time. He marvels at the ways the world shifts and grows with each time he plays, and takes to exploring it with Beastrey at his side, for whom strangely enough a lot of things are also new. Joshua teaches both Beastrey and Data about the outside world, thinking Beastrey is just a somewhat reclusive but likeable weirdo.

Joshua tells Gordon about the new friend he made, ‘Ben’, and the adventures he’s been having with the other. Gordon is happy to hear Joshua is having a good time, but is otherwise none the wiser. Joshua starts losing track of time in the game, but chalks it up to being invested.

During one play session, Beastrey confesses he isn’t the one who did all the ‘modding’, and invites Joshua to meet Data. Data, or at least its ‘physical’ in-game manifestation is deep within the world, past the aquatic twilight zone and strange, drowned ruins of an unknown facility. Data, for the first time, really sees Joshua, and the resemblance sparks something within it. Joshua is drawn closer to it, and just before he reaches it-

Joshua wakes up lying on the floor with Gordon hunched over him in his room, pleading with him to wake up. Joshua unknowingly got drawn into the game much like Gordon had been, and Gordon urges Joshua to never touch the headset again, taking it away. Gordon opens up about his experiences with the simulation a bit more. They both agree to not touch the game or the headset again.

ACT V

Gordon comes into contact with an old coworker from Black Mesa, and he inquires about the combat simulation project, if anything happened to it after it was canned. This is where he learns that an employee had taken the project files from storage and was consequently fired. He comes into contact with Clark, and Clark explains he had no idea he accidentally unleashed the AI unto the game. Gordon asks if anything can be done to prevent what happened to Joshua and himself from happening to other people. Clark confesses he doesn’t know, and that it’s up to the developers of the game to find anything out of place and make sure it gets fixed. Gordon decides to leave the matter where it lies, not wanting anything to do with AI and simulations anymore and to safeguard his son.

Some time passes.

Joshua starts getting repeated invites and messages, at one point he gets into a conversation with ‘Ben’ via a platform’s messaging system. Ben says he can explain everything, that he’s sorry. Joshua decides he would like one final goodbye. He finds the headset stashed away somewhere in the house, and, while Gordon’s gone, he turns on the game and enters the server.

Beastrey (Ben) is surprised to see him, urging him to log out and turn off the game, but it’s already too late and Joshua can no longer leave. Beastrey helps Joshua attempting to ‘exit’ the game by going as far away from Data’s reach, but Data stops Beastrey and traps Joshua, determined to wait to the point that he assimilates into the game completely.

Gordon eventually finds Joshua comatose with the headset on, and he panics. He considers calling the emergency services, but he’s afraid they’ll take the headset off or that removing Joshua too far from the game will hurt his son like what happened to him. He calls Clark, urging him to help in any way he can. This results in Gordon and Clark going back to Black Mesa to retrieve the project files and the other gear they can get their hands on to get Gordon into the game to free his son.

Gordon enters the private server with Clark’s player character, and thwarts any attempt from Data to impede his progress and trap him as well. Beastrey’s awareness is overridden by Data as a last ditch effort to deter Gordon and Gordon is forced to destroy Beastrey before he can reach Data. As Beastrey is taken over, Data gains Beastrey’s awareness, and finds his other, littler half never wanted to trap Joshua in the first place, and the way it hurt him to hurt both Joshua and Gordon to this extent.

At this point, Data wavers in its intention to keep Joshua trapped, even more so with Beastrey now gone, and recognises whatever it is that is driving Gordon forward in the game is outside of his control to manipulate, so he lets Gordon destroy it as well. In a way, it also feels as a fulfillment of its intended role as the ‘villain’. The server crashes, the world breaks apart. The ‘game’ is completed.

The final boss is defeated and both Gordon and Joshua wake up. Joshua luckily wasn’t exposed long enough to have suffered any lasting damage, except for what seems to be a minor headache and some light sensitivity (and a vow from Gordon to get him checked out by a doctor as soon as the clinics open).

--

The whole ordeal results in Clark, Gordon and Joshua sitting in a Denny’s at four in the morning, eating pancakes somewhat solemnly, completely exhausted but also still reeling from the virtual battle. Joshua learns that ‘Ben’ essentially died, and he can’t help but cry for his friend.

“Honestly, I don’t think he’s gone,” Gordon admits, picking at the last bites of his pancakes. "I think he- or whatever that was, has a hard time staying dead. Like a cockroach, you know? At this point I’m just wondering when he’ll turn up again.”

Clark hums in agreement. Joshua seems somewhat reassured by his words, wiping at his eyes with the scratchy napkin as he settles into the squeaking diner seat.

“But,” he starts with a sigh, pointing his syrup-covered fork upwards to the ceiling in a decree, “One thing’s for certain…”

He thinks back to a time rife with virtual gunfire, caging walls and hysterical laughter echoing through the halls of the Black Mesa research facility. Five sets of footsteps and a whisper of his name.

“…No more VR. No more headsets. Ever.”

--

TL;DR: Gordon got trapped in VR and then Joshua also got trapped in VR. Benrey is there but also not.

thank you for reading. here. ( x ‿ o ) 🫴

[happyflux]

Saw a really long post today where someone was talking about D&D vampire lore, compiling what different sources say about it (including the Baldur's Gate games) and, y'know, for the most part it was a good post, it's a useful and good quick reference on what the different sources have said about vampires.

(readmore because this turned out long oops)

But then at the end, and in an addition to the post replying to a tag someone had put, the post began talking about applying all this lore to BG3 specifically, and it made me think. Because the takeaway that post had seemed to be that the things about vampire lore which are consistent to the rest of D&D do apply to BG3 as well, and that Astarion is simply an exception due to his extremely strong willpower and sense of self. And that just doesn't seem right to me at all. It feels like missing the point.

BG3 did some very specific, very interesting things with the lore of D&D. In terms of vampires, yes, but also more generally, BG3 pretty consistently gives the message that the things that are said in the rulebooks are not necessarily true, but are oversimplifications and generalizations that are believed to be true in universe.

BG3 got rid of racial ability scores, giving every race the same "choose a +2 and a +1" that variant humans can have in D&D. BG3 not only got rid of racial alignments, but got rid of alignments entirely - there is no detect evil and good, protection against evil and good has been replaced with a spell that mechanically protects against outsiders of various kinds, there is no alignment selection for player characters, no alignment showing up on inspection despite pretty much entire stat blocks being visible, and the companion characters all have complex morality that doesn't fit neatly into any alignment box. BG3 establishes and many times repeats that Volo, the in-universe author of a lot of the texts we have access to about Faerûn, is an incredibly unreliable source. BG3 has Halsin, a large-built and hairy elf (something which the rulebooks claim is impossible as elves are slender and graceful and have no body hair), say that "sometimes I think conventional wisdom is too narrow about what someone can or cannot be".

On the topic of vampirism specifically, BG3 has Jaheira (who is established to be wise and knowledgeable due to being an experienced and well travelled adventurer) say "They say that the only thing a vampire can feel is hunger. Nothing else touches them - not grief, or mercy. Or any sense of what is just. Who knows. There is often more ignorance than insight in what 'they' say", in response to Astarion remaining a spawn. And, on an Astarion origin run, it is established that at least half of his siblings can be convinced to want to oppose Cazador (it's just that non-origin Astarion chooses to antagonize them instead), and they can be persuaded not to feed off of people, and even without Astarion suggesting it Dalyria will take the initiative to help and take care of the other spawn. And, and this I think is crucial, every vampire we see in BG3 aside from possibly Vellioth is established to have been through circumstances which could easily twist someone and turn them horrible, no magical twisting of emotions or inherent existential evil required.

To play Baldur's Gate 3 and take away from it that the things which D&D lore has previously said about vampires apply to this game, and that Astarion is just somehow Special because of his Extremely Strong Willpower and Sense of Self feels like completely missing the point. Vampires in BG3 are evil because they're stuck in a cycle of violence and suffering and aren't able to escape, and when they are given an escape from that cycle they are able to heal and recover and be more than what they were made. Astarion does not have exceptional willpower, Astarion got lucky. He got out, he made some connections, he got a chance to heal and unlearn the things he'd been taught before being thrust back into Cazador's presence, and that's why he's able to break the cycle. Or, alternately, if the people he finds when he gets out don't push him to unlearn the things Cazador taught him and instead reinforce those beliefs, he becomes just like him. Again, no magical twisting of emotions required.

[astrosxnthesis]

WIP WEDNESDAY

@devilbearingtrouble tagged me like 2 weeks ago, but now I actually have something in progress!

DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE SPOILERS but not really, this snippet is vague. Also TW for canon-accurate gore (lovingly). Gonna hide most of it behind the readmore just in case.

(tagging @wyverningx @augusteofarles and anyone else who reads this 😈 bc im lazy)

the car scene altered my brain chemistry ok that was some gay shit

“You’ve made so many holes in me,” Wade chuckles breathlessly, skimming his hands over his torso. “If you were that desperate to be inside me you could’ve just asked. I’m not a natural bottom, but I can be flexible if it’s an absolute no-go for ya. Y’know, it’s funny—my suit should be in tatters by now with how many times you’ve filleted me today, but either the TVA made self-healing fabric or Marvel made a new hole of the plot variety.” Logan angles his head across the stained, shredded back seat with a long-suffering sigh. “I really don’t know how you can chronically put your foot in your mouth and still keep talking.” “Hey, you’re in the presence of a world champ. I won Deepest Mouth at the 2019 Foot-in-Mouth Olympics.” “Gross.”

“It’s a blessing and a curse.” Logan groans. “Do you have an off switch?” “You’re gonna have to find it, honey badger. I’ll give you a hint: it’s… uh…” Wade trails off as Logan reaches across the seat and finds his face. He touches his cheekbone. It’s weirdly intimate, the way Logan’s gloved thumb skitters across the jaw and knuckles press into his temple. Wade’s words don’t die in his throat, they can’t—they’re as unkillable as his body. Instead, they bounce around on his tongue like Pop Rocks, all full of things like what and why and sweet baby Jesus and fuck and wow and nice and are we doing this? whispered rapidfire under his breath. Then Logan’s claws emerge and spear into his skull. Wade’s vision blurs and warps into colorful sounds and loud shapes, then snaps back to reality when the claws leave his brain matter with a trademark snikt. Wade giggles. “Yowza, full penetration. A little lower next time? That’s where my—” He gets another fist to the face.

[traumacatholic]

I was told there is a 50% chance I'll need a root canal that I just can't afford. I don't know how much more stress and humiliation I can take. prayers appreciated greatly.

I'm really sorry to hear this. It would also be worth looking into local and national charities and seeing if there's any that exist that can offer financial aid / support for dental treatments that are outside of your budget. I would imagine that there would be some support and advice for people in your position. Please also do consider reaching out to your local Church (or local Churches) and seeing if there's any kind of support and guidance they can provide. They might be able to signpost you to some kind of support, but at the very least having their prayers also can be of some great comfort and support.

I'm going to put some prayers under the readmore, that you might find to be of help

Prayers for all sick people

O Lord Almighty, healer of our souls and bodies, Who putteth down and raiseth up, Who chastiseth and health also; now, in Thy great mercy, visit our brothers and sisters who are sick. Stretch forth Thy hand that is full of healing and health, and raise them up, and cure them of their illness. Put away from them the spirit of disease and of every malady, pain and fever to which they are bound. And if they have sins and transgressions, grant to them remission and forgiveness, for Thou lovest humankind. Yea, O Lord my God, have pity on Thy creation, through the compassions of Thine only-begotten Son, together with Thine all-holy, good, and life-creating Spirit, with whom Thou art blessed, both now and ever, and to ages of ages.

Prayers for yourself in sickness

O Lord Jesus Christ our Saviour, the Physician of our souls and bodies, Who didst become Man and suffer death on the Cross for our salvation, and through Thy tender love and compassion didst heal all manner of sickness and affliction: do Thou, O Lord, visit me in my suffering, and grant me grace and strength to bear this sickness with which I am afflicted, with Christian patience and submission to Thy will, trusting in Thy lovingkindness and tender mercy. Bless, I pray Thee, the means used for my recovery, and those who administer them. I know, O Lord, that I justly deserve any punishment Thou mayest inflict upon me, for I have so often offended Thee and sinned against Thee in thought, word, and deed. Therefore, I humbly pray to Thee, look upon my weakness, and deal not with me according to my sins, but according to the multitude of Thy mercies. Have compassion on me, and let mercy and justice meet; and deliver me from the sickness and suffering I am undergoing. Grant that my sickness may be the means of my true repentance and amendment of my life according to Thy will, that I may spend the rest of my days in Thy love and fear; that my soul, being helped by Thy grace and sanctified by Thy holy mysteries, may be prepared for its transition to the eternal life and there, in the company of Thy blessed saints, may praise and glorify Thee with Thy Eternal Father and Life-giving Spirit. Amen.

* * *

O Holy Father, heavenly Physician of the body and soul, Who hast sent Thine Only-begotten Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, to heal ailments and deliver us from death; do Thou heal me, Thy servant, of all suffering, and restore me to health by the grace of Thy Divine Son, through the intercessions of our Most Holy Queen Ever-virgin Mary, the Mother of God, and all the saints. For Thou art the Fountain of all cure, O Lord, and we give thanks to Thee, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, now and forever, and unto ages of ages. Amen.

Prayer for Protection

O Lord, Thou who steadied the hand of Peter as he began to sink on the stormy sea, if Thou are with me, no one is against me. Grant to me the shield of faith and the mighty armor of the Holy Spirit to protect me and guide me to do Thy will. The future I put into Thy hands, O Lord, and I follow Thee to a life in Christ. Amen

Prayers for Oneself in Time of Need

Almighty God, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, come to my help and deliver me from this difficulty that besets me. I believe Lord, that all trials of life are under Your care and that all things work for the good of those who love You. Take away from me fear, anxiety and distress. Help me to face and endure my difficulty with faith, courage and wisdom.

Grant that this trial may bring me closer to You for You are my rock and refuge, my comfort and hope, my delight and joy. I trust in Your love and compassion. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen.

Prayer for Oneself in Times of Sickness

O Lord, Healer of our bodies and souls, visit me with Your loving-kindness and stretch forth Your hand of healing. Raise me up from this bed of sickness, and heal me of all disease, pain, and fever that is binding me. We bless and honour You, our most holy Father, gracious Son, and life-creating Spirit, both now and forever. Amen. Almighty God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, because You love mankind, pity Your creation. Your only-begotten Son taught us that not even the smallest sparrow falls to the ground without Your knowledge. We pray to You for Your servant [name here], for the healing of body and soul. Calm me with confidence in the fullness of Your love. To You belongs all our praise and worship, to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, unto ages of ages. Amen.

Prayer to St. Spyridon of Trimythus

O most blessed hierarch Spyridon, thou great Saint of Christ and glorious wonder-worker!

Standing in heaven before the throne of God with choirs of Angels, look down with a compassionate eye upon the people gathered here (names may be added) and asking thy powerful help.

Entreat the merciful kindness of God Who loveth mankind, that He judge us not according to our iniquities, but rather act towards us according to His mercy.

Ask for us of Christ our God, a peaceful and serene life, health of soul and body, a fruitful earth, and in all things abundance and prosperity; that we turn not unto evil the good things bestowed upon us by our generous God, but rather unto His glory and the praise of thine intercession.

Deliver us, who with unswerving faith approach God, from all ills, whether spiritual or physical; from all discouragements and diabolical snares.

Be a consoler unto those in sorrow, a healer of the infirm, a helper of those in troubles, a coverer of the naked, a defender of widows, a protector of orphans, a nourisher of infants, a strengthener of the aged, a guide unto travellers, a compass to those that sail, and pray for all that seek thy mighty intercession, that they may receive all that is profitable unto their salvation: so that, taught and kept by thy prayers, we may attain eternal rest and together with thee glorify God, Who is One in the Holy Trinity, the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, now and ever, and unto ages of ages.

Prayer to Saint Nicholas the Wonderworker

Hierarch and father, O most holy Nicholas, thou extraordinary Saint of the Lord, our loving defender and ready helper in sorrows everywhere: help us sinners and hapless ones in the present life: entreat the Lord God to grant us remission of all of our sins, that we have committed from our youth and all our life, by deed, word, though and all our senses; and in the passing of our souls, help us wretched ones; entreat the Lord God and Maker of all creation, to deliver us from trials in the air and eternal torment: that we may alway glorify the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, and thy merciful intercession, now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen.

Prayer in Time of Trouble 

O God, our help and assistance Who is just and merciful, and Who hears the supplications of Your people, look down upon me.  Have mercy upon me and deliver me from the trouble that besets me.  Deal not with me after my sins, but according to Your bountiful mercies, for I am the work of Your hands and You know my weakness. Grant me, I beseech You, Your divine helping grace, and endow me with patience and strength to endure my tribulations with complete submission to Your Will.  You know my misery and suffering and to You, my only hope and refuge, I flee for relief and comfort.  Trusting in Your infinite love and compassion, I know that in due time, when You know best, You will deliver me from this trouble and turn my distress into comfort.  I shall rejoice in Your mercy and exalt and praise Your Holy Name, of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, forever.  Amen.

[sleepymccoy]

Still thinking about a Star trek TOS Firefly au. So I'm gonna have fun writing it out.

I love the dynamic between Mal, Zoe, and Wash, so that's certainly becoming the triumvirate. Mal > Jim, Zoe > Spock, Wash > Bones. However Wash's job doesn't make sense for Bones so he's going to change to doctor.

Jim was on Tarsus 4 and suffered the same as in canon, famine leads to who lives lottery and he wasn't chosen but survived anyway. I think that makes perfect sense in the Firefly universe too, but I think unlike in trek Kodos is celebrated by the federation in Firefly for making tough choices and leading in a strong way. So he's not on the run, he's a constant background side threat who's still in power. The face of the federation in this version, but not the head of it. You feel me

After Tarsus, Jim and Bones met and became mates. I think Bones moved to a big fancy planet for his wife and child after a bit. In the meant time, we have Spock!

This got massive, have a readmore

Spock is the result of eugenic experiments (there's no aliens in Firefly 😢) like the serenity thing that the og story is about (but generational eugenics not brain poking)(because I want there to be many others, just also in hiding and with their own political factions and opinions) but his resulted in Vulcan-like stuff. I think he's still got the pointy ears and has excessively strong emotions that he's learnt to hide completely cos he was raised in a medical facility by cold scientists instead of parents and love. There's schools of thought about them, some want to integrate, some want them exterminated, some want them to form their own society. The federation stance is these eugenic things don't exist and if you see one kill it because it officially doesn't exist. So Spock is forced into hiding and hasn't really had a chance to form his broader opinion, cos it's academic anyway. They're all hiding now.

So, Spock's escaped (more on that later) and in hiding. He meets Jim and they click, probably meeting in some silly battle. I reckon Spock has ways to get away from the feds that Jim wants to learn, so Jim pushes for them to team up. They spend some time together either on someone else's ship or on a smaller ship just them two.

After a while that comes to an end and they put together a crew and buy a ship together. They hire Sulu and Chekhov who are a criminal team who need to get off this rock very fast please. Chekhov can fly wonderfully and has enough engineering knowledge that they're like hey we maybe don't need someone in the engine room!

Sulu is a jack of all trades. It takes a few months for them to realise how useful he is, he always has a skill they need and always knows someone who'll play as a contact. Absolutely invaluable.

Eventually the engine breaks beyond Chekhov's skill to fix and they've all heard of Scotty. Everyone knows about Scotty. I think this would make a good episode one.

They work Sulu's contacts and find Scotty who is, lo and behold, having a drink with his mate disgraced Doctor McCoy. Spock, immediate dislike, this guy is a doctor. Jim, holy shit! Bones! Why the fuck aren't you emailing me back!?

Turns out Bones has gotten divorced and threw a bit of a fit in a hospital and can't work on a core planet anymore. He agrees to join the crew and Scotty has some issue that forms most of the episode plot and joins too cos hey, crims gotta keep moving

The ep ends with meeting Uhura, who manages a lot of the residual resistance movement's comms. She's the most political of the bunch, but Jim is absolutely in agreement and so chuffed to meet her even tho he's never been too war-y before. Scotty and Sulu already know her. She takes a kind of Inara role on the ship, but she's not companioning, she's boosted the comms in the shuttle and is continuing this work. It's great for her cos she gets to move around and be hard to catch, and it's great for the ship cos it gives them access to loads of underground people who aren't the hated federation

I also think she helped Spock break out back in the day. I'm not sure if she was part of it and they've met, or if she helped run things so she knows Spock but he doesn't know her. She's gonna be their reason for getting accidentally involved in larger things in the story and why they get more altruistic with their jobs. Spock also pulls them into some of the eugenic stuff

I reckon episode two needs some Spock eugenic stuff to happen so that Bones can solidify himself as on team Spock in action even if he has a go at Spock. Cos everyone else follows Jim's orders and Jim is team Spock, so I think Bones needs a chance to prove it. To great danger to himself ofc.

Repeat characters (like in Firefly they have Badger and Saffron who rock up as major non crew characters) are Chapel and Rand. I think Chapel is still on a core planet as a nurse. I would have her join the crew in season two, to look for her missing husband. But in season one she can be an insider informant for the hospital heist episode, which they do mainly for the medical equipment cos Bones has like nothing to treat people with. And maybe Spock has some additional medical needs that Bones needs to learn (Spock hates this)

Rand is like a bit of Saffron energy but less totally untrustworthy. I think she works them for her benefit but in a way where when they meet again they're like hey Janice you're not allowed on the ship but it's great to see you! Like, maybe she hijacks them to get her somewhere or stows away super inconveniently. Or maybe she just steals from them old school style and has a very all's fair in love and war vibe about it. She just doesn't hold any resentment, so it's hard to resent her

If I were to cast this show I'd cast Bones and Jim and women because I think it needs more women, might as well put them in positions of power, and honestly I think Spock's character with the emotional repression and all would change being cast as a woman whereas the others wouldn't. Spock's character in this is gonna be playing into stereotypes and expectation to stay in hiding, and those change as a woman

I've definitely got less tension on board than Firefly. There's no Jayne equivalent making life hard for everyone, but you could write an arc in for Chekhov like that if you wanted to. He could go from disliking the danger Spock and Uhura bring to absolutely admiring them over like two seasons. Could be interesting, but it's not got much to do with trek really

There's no shipboard romance here either. There could be something cool in the Scotty/Uhura that happened later in trek canon. Maybe they've got romantic history, so when she joins the ship there's tension and they just fall into bed together pretty quickly. But I'd only put that in if it added something else to the story, which it might! I'm not actually writing, I'm brainstorming

And similar to what the did in Firefly I think Spock/Bones makes the most sense. Cos we don't need proof that Spock and Jim understand each other, they're captain and first officer. They have each other's back absolutely. And similarly with Jim and Bones, they'd have old loyalty and friendship to draw on. And I think they also just obviously get along. But Spock and Bones could do with some plot prodding along, so I'd do something like the Simon/Kaylee romance where there's tension and clear desire but they're bad at making it happen. There's too much in the way. But it adds reason for Bones to have Spock's back (cos we're coming at at the start of their friendship, not years into their five years mission) and you can occasionally see Spock relaxing the emotional wall with someone other than Jim as he develops more serious a crush

I want to see! The Niska episode where Jim and Spock get nicked and tortured, and Bones goes in to trade for them back. He can only afford one but true to the Empath ep he just trades himself and volunteers for the torture.

I also want to see a Jaynestown style ep where Scotty or Sulu are the hero. I think probably Scotty. He'd be easy to write as selfish in a he only cares about tech kinda way and then to find that he accidentally did this would be funny. He also likes to keep a low profile generally so it's extra hilarious

Hospital heist ep, with Chapel cameo. I don't think anyone's handing Spock over to the feds, but maybe they get caught and Chekhov tries to trade Spock for their freedom? Not in a pre planned malicious, but more that he just doesn't prioritise Spock's safety over everyone else's. He sees it as a last ditch leverage effort, for the greater good. Could be good drama

Saffron style ep with Rand but she steals from them. I do think that's hilarious, showing them be the mark. And I'd let her win, leave them stranded without whatever thing it is she fleeced and having to find a new magical tech engine bit. But hey she left some booze as an apology and made out with Jim so it's not too bad

I really like Firefly

[mewtwofan1]

So...I have to blame @sciencewife for this silly little PortalxTrek idea. And thank you to the folks on the discord server for humouring me during the making of this. I'll put more character details under the readmore. Might make more characters for this little au later. Had a lot of fun emulating the Star Trek: Lower Decks artstyle!

USS APERTURE: Not exactly Starfleets moral best, good people don't end up here. But her crew might very well be the best of the best. Headstrong, steadfast, and somehow still alive despite a few admirals wanting them gone, the APERTURE and her crew uphold their mission: to do what they must because they can!

Captain Cave Johnson -"somehow still captain" its Caroline pulling the strings keeping him in charge, and the fact he's willing to take on virtually any mission which makes him an asset worth keeping. -Fan of using the ships PA system, and is well regarded for his inspiring speeches. -Is still a competent captain, just too confident for his own good. Luckily, has a solid crew to back him up.

Commander Caroline Dubuk -An excellent first officer, regularly goes above and beyond (and blackmails a number of officials behind the scenes) for her crew. -Scarf was a present from her best friend after graduating the academy. Wears it regularly in spite of uniform regulations. -Parents split when she was a teenager. Dad married Gla'dos's mother. Neither of them really regard each other as step-siblings, and few even know their relationship with each other

Ensign Chell Redac -Not mute, but is a human of very, very few words. Few enough one would be forgiven for thinking she was. - Regularly pesters Gla'dos, who is the subject of most chaotic antics. Gla'dos is still finding potatoes in her quarters to this day. Chaos is just how Chell says "I like you!". -Determined and stubborn, could be an excellent officer someday.

Commander Gla'dos -Suffered a freak warp-core accident that scarred her and would have been career ending. Built her own prosthetics/enhancements with the help of some off the books Starfleet research. -Is a genius, was in engineering before switching to sciences. -Grew up on Earth in Michigan to a single mother, and is step-sister to Caroline though she does not talk about it

[papersirens]

i really really hate to be doing this but things have been really bad all week and im running out of options lmao i understand people have their own issues and medical bills and im nothing special but im gonna put like idk my issues under a readmore for context of why im basically begging not to guilt but idk for context maybe?? anyway

i have a patreon and prices are going to go up in october so now's a great time to subscribe. there's 2 fics a week, 1 jjk 1 jjba plus 4 requests of varying characters from franchises. on top of that the second highest tier offers every fic available which is around 102 fics total for only like $10 you can also see what fics are available in the masterlist. there's only 1 jjk currently but more to come. patreon // masterlist

i also have halloween commissions still open. 1k words for $10 of any fic with any jjk or jjba char of your choice. bunch of batch spaces since im practically caught up with the commissions and they will be sent to you within a week. halloween commissions info // masterlist

i do have regular commissions open too if anyone is interested but there's currently a waitlist. the current eta for new people is around end of november if you dont mind waiting but you'll have a bigger wc range. commissions info

if none of these interest you i have ko-fi and buymeacoffee. i can do direct paypal but you'd have to dm me about that but you're probably better off just going through the ko-fi link tbh. buymeacoffee can do direct bank transfer for those who have paypal issues and also is an option for commission payments just pls dm me beforehand about it. i'd also rather you commission me or buy patreon but ik some people are happy to just give tips so they are also options. ko-fi // buymeacoffee

im forever grateful for any help and support people can give. like i say i know people have their own struggles and health issues and i am not special but things have been bad enough for me to have to make a post like this. liking, reblogging my fics is still support i appreciate along with reblogging and boosting this post or doing one of the options mentioned. i appreciate u all <3

the juicy part everyone wants lmao gonna keep it brief and not give anyone a super sob story because theres people dying kim but

i suffer from plaque psoriasis, don't look it up it's nasty especially if you're queezy lmao i had it somewhat bad from the age of 13 until i was 24/25 all over my arms and a little on my legs but just dealt with it until i finally was able to get treatment back in the uk. it cleared up entirely and i was put on injections a year before moving to japan. these injections are pretty serious im not sure the name but theyre bio something i am not a doctor they just clear my skin gjkf ANYWAY so moved to japan last august and i was clear up until january/february this year where it came back and hit me like a train. i couldnt see a doctor due to insurance until april/may so for months i was forced to wrap myself in saran wrap because i was in agony otherwise, i couldnt bend my arms and sleeping was a nightmare even if i was fully clothed becausee my whole body was irritated. got to see a doctor and he put me on cyclosporine which ive been on before.

anyone who knows that medication knows you cant be on it for very long. when i was on it before i was on it for a year before my injections because it isn't a long term fix and long term usage can damage your kidneys iirc. 3 months into taking my meds my bloods were coming back bad and he wanted me off them and onto my injections. i am now struggling to pay for my injections even on insurance. my insurance caps at 50k yen a month and i gotta take two injections a month which cost 35k yen each, so the cap still helps but 50k yen ($340/£275) is still a lot and basically my rent every month lmao majority of income comes from my husband who works as much as he can as an english teacher.

but melk, why don't you get a job if writing fanfic can't cover your meds?

great question uh i have very severe social anxiety lmao online im for the most part ok but i can't even go out for walks by myself. great example is i tried to just go to the arcade the other day, something ive only done once before and because i wasn't feeling great and wanted to take myself out to just get a soda and look at what they have. halfway there i had a severe panic attack and sat in a dark in the dark during a storm before managing to run home and throw myself into a cold shower because i was alone and scared lmao as can be expected i cant buy anything from a store by myself, my husband buys things for me or comes with me whenever i go anywhere which is a strain on him along with being the bread maker.

im also unmedicated in terms of my anxiety because i cant afford that either lmao so i am truly raw dogging my daily anxiety and social anxiety while trying to handle everything else. i dont have a therapist i dont have medication just free online resources and a handful of super understanding and supportive friends but that's still not enough to help me in getting a job. im still looking semi-regularly for remote jobs that involve few phone calls and only emails but from my experience either i need to be in the country (typically US or UK) and/or emails and live chats are secondary to the phone calls being main job. believe it or not, phone calls are worse for me than speaking to people face to face lmao.

the icing on the cake of all this is i dont have family to fall back on, i havent spoken to anyone in my family including my parents in 5 years now and any help we do get is from my husbands family and they also helped us even get to japan so its incredibly unfair to be constantly leaning on them.

i dont think this post or anything will help and fix all my issues, but with how severe things have been its the only thing i can think to do to help while we attempt to organise ourselves and figure out ways to cut back our money further and make more side hustles.

yeah sorry anyway melk lore enjoy that like i said i appreciate anyone and everyone who supports me in any way they do and thanks for reading <3

[nyxi-pixie]

yosano is so dear to me because as much as i usually dislike the trope of 'one of the only regular female characters in the show gets healing powers because what else would a woman have' i do really like when that trope is turned into an insidious distorted mess.

I'm putting a readmore bc holy fuck if i start talking about yos i DO NOT know how to stop.

Like she has healing powers but the ability ITSELF is horrendously violent (needing people to be basically dead before they do anything), and she is not the kind of person you would associate with traditional healing character traits. Most of the time, they're maternal, and friendly, and soft spoken, and reserved.

Yosano is none of these things.

Quite frankly, she's a hater. and that's not to say she's unpleasant, necessarily, because she isn't. but she's a little demanding, and a little unhinged, and a lot prone to violence.

(and the dislikes on her profile refer exclusively to men. (shes an icon))

And shes like that because she is the outcome of what an ability like that, a responsibility like that, would do to a person.

Because every time she faces someone dying, there are two options: unbelievable guilt that comes with Not saving someone, or the perversion of death that comes with bringing them back. That complete and utter refusal of the natural order.

What do you do when respect for life hinges on a person's ability to die, and you have not just the power, but the expectation, to take that away?

which leads us to her backstory.

she's eleven. ELEVEN. what eleven year old has any understanding of life and death? of the importance of endings and letting people rest?

she's basically playing god and she barely even understands what that means. Or perhaps more accurately, she's playing puppet for mori playing god.

So she's there, and it's kind of a boring task at first. Like a very cavalier 'I'm here to save you all that's my job you should congratulate me bc im sm cooler than u losers.' But then she speaks to the soldiers, grows to care about them, and suddenly this ISNT a job. Its saving them out of compassion, out of a desire to see them alive. to make sure theyre okay.

and then they keep dying. and she brings them back, and they die again, and again, and again, in an endless cycle that can never end and while she's doing it unwillingly by that point, the reason they can live to suffer again is because of her.

And in realising that, in trying to put an end to that pointless cycle and Mori preventing that by shooting someone she cares about in front of her, she cannot give them reprieve because of the very ability that got her into this position in the first place. By that ability, and, ironically, by that compassion of hers.

"You are too just."

She cares too much to do what she knows is right, what she knows is kindest for the soldiers. She hasn't grown used to losing people (partially because she's eleven, but mostly because death doesn't exist to her) so she can't accept it.

and when everything goes down hill, she still thinks of it all as her fault. (even though technically its mori's, and whomever was in charge of their unit for not surrendering)

even fourteen years later, shes still haunted by what happened. even fourteen years later, the balancing act between using her ability, and letting nature run its course, is a delicate one, and one that is only facilitared by her position in the ADA.

its incredible that with that position threatened, the very reason shes learned to live with herself being put in jeopardy, she keeps herself as stable as she does.

so. she's a little bit batshit. very violent when she wants to be. ready to beat a mfer within an inch of their life at the earliest opportunity.

her very capacity to heal is twisted and messy and terrifying. it isn't soft and delicate and sweet, or even reassuring. it's practical. it's useful. but it's deeply unsettling.

and i think thats a very realistic portrayal of what it would be like to have such an unnatural control over life and death.

[keeplivingsystems]

Hey there.

If you could offer any, do you have any tips for dealing with grief and/or mourning?

It's just... as of me writing this, we are going to put our cat down in about 30 minutes. She's in end-stage kidney failure, hasn't eaten in 4 days, and apparently has hypothermia. It was a hard choice, but it kinda needed to be done. Its... it's for her sake.

Despite being almost a legal adult, we have never dealt with losing someone close to us, especially not a pet. And in the past we have struggled with SH (currently around 5 months clean though), so I'm worried if we don't manage things well, we may relapse.

It's alright if you don't have anything that can help. I think just writing this all out has made me feel a bit better. T

Oh dear… we are so sorry for your loss. We just lost our own beloved kitty of 12 years, Solomon, last winter, so we do empathize with you. The death of a cherished pet is always such a tragic loss.

When we lost our sweet boy, here are some things we did to help ease the grieving process. As this discussed death quite extensively, we are putting this under a readmore divider so no one has to see it who may not want to.

- Took time off work. We took two days off, because we were distraught and unable to be productive.

- Reached out for support. Our partner who we live with was also grieving, so we tried to be open with each other about how we were feeling. We shared our favorite stories and moments from Solomon’s life, and talked through how we were feeling about his passing.

- Cried, sobbed, and just generally was a mess. Immediately after his passing we felt numb, but as the days followed, we would burst into tears at seemingly random moments. It was quite important for us to feel our emotions in order to mourn properly, and for us, this meant allowing ourselves to cry as often as we needed to.

- Made a shrine/memorial. In our home we have a memorial for Solomon, which includes a picture, a plaster pawprint from when he was young, a few of his favorite toys, and the urn which contains his ashes. Occasionally we will leave a fresh flower there or a bit of catnip.

- Tried to accept that the intensity of the pain would not last forever. In the moment it seemed as if it would stretch on infinitely, and it is true there is a hole in our heart where he once was that we doubt will ever be filled. But it does get easier, we can attest to that. We still get waves of sadness, missing him, from time to time. But it is more of a dull ache rather than a fresh wound. We try to view our longing for him as a reminder of the joy we shared, of what a wonderful and treasured part of our lives he was, and always will be in our memory.

- Talked about him, revisited photos, and kept his memory alive. It’s been less than a year since he’s passed, but we will continue talking about him often to help keep his memory alive in our hearts. He is our background wallpaper on our phone. We also have a dedicated photo album for him which we revisit as often as we get the urge.

- Let go of guilt due to making the decision to euthanize. Our Solomon had advanced gastrointestinal cancer. He was losing weight rapidly and no longer had the energy to do what he loved. For a while after he passed, we felt guilty that we had made this choice. We wondered if there was more we could have done to help him, if we should have fought harder for him. But it was his time to go. Keeping him alive longer would only have prolonged his suffering.

Every person may handle grief in different ways. Our grieving process may not look like yours, and that is okay. The most important thing, we believe, is to allow yourselves the space to process this grief in ways that work best for you. Whether it’s through art, through journaling, talking to others, making a scrapbook or shrine, crying often, or anything else. Please allow yourselves to feel the pain that will inevitably come. We promise, it may be very difficult, but it will get easier in time.

We understand that you are on anon, but if you ever in the future would like to share photos of your sweet kitty, to share her name with us, a story, or simply a bit about who she was and her personality, we would be happy to listen. We can do what we can to help preserve her memory.

We are just one system who has processed the loss of our own cat in our own ways. We do hope that sharing the details of our grieving process may help you somewhat. We are so very sorry if nothing we’ve written here is helpful for your system. Our deepest condolences go out to you as you deal with this difficult time. Please do not hesitate to reach out if you need any further support in the future. Our hearts go out to you and we will keep you all in our thoughts.

[koscheicore]

I say throw Ten into the sea/ocean. Because, why not! I'm not 100% sure he can swim tho 😔

OKAY MY THOUGHTS ARE THOUGHTING. BEAR W ME. My memory of 10 and his arcs is a bit messy but remember this?

Yeah you do. This is gonna get a bit long so imma just add a readmore

Iirc he was at some party being all emotionally unstable since he's lost so many people and he really, really doesn't want to go, to "die." So he's putting off his regeneration yeah? If I'm misremembering then pretend I'm right (?). He's obviously had too much ginger there, and the ainley!Master is there in disguise. He's been observing this Doctor for a bit, quite entertaining how he refuses to move onto his next face, how he's so fond of himself, how he wants *more.*

So much for being able to smell the Master or whatever... he definitely doesn't recognise him. He ends up flirting with this stranger of course, long conversations about nothing and everything, mutual fascination, your regular the Doctor meets the Master and is oblivious af to who he is, and when he's too wasted, the Master takes him to his TARDIS. The Doctor is a bit too intoxicated to pilot and as he rambles nonsense he begins to realise his beloved ship is moving, and the pretty stranger is at the console. How? He really doesn't like that. He tells him to stop, but he won't listen, so he gets up and tries to grab him away from the console, to no avail as this stranger opens the TARDIS' door, and messing with the gravitational configuration pushes the Doctor out.

And he falls.

He soon finds himself sinking into a nowhere planet's ocean, a familiar laughter he can't quite place still resonates in his head, "die, Doctor, die! You must die!"

He tries to swim up, but this water makes it impossible to float. He keeps fighting, desperate, he does NOT want to die, he's not ready, he will not, not yet, he still has to do so much more, besides, he had imagined his death would be different. He feels pathetic. He deserves better than this, he thinks.

"Ah but of course, you were expecting a grand finale, weren't you, Doctor? How incredibly contemptuous."

Great. He's hallucinating. The surface is far away now, the temperature is drastically lowered as darkness engulfs him and he finds himself unable to do anything but accept surrender. Is this how death feels? Cold and lonely, and a pugnant sense of regret?

Cue a myriad of sequences I haven't had the time to think of, moments he would have liked to change, to intervene with in a rather reckless way, and how he could indeed have done "more". None of these have a satisfying ending, anyways.

Eventually, he finds himself staring at the back of a figure, this scene is different, it feels rather somber, but still, familiar, in a sense. The smell of decomposition invades his senses as he squints and makes out the shape of an almost skeletal being, dry tissue flaking off it. It's, somehow, still alive, and he remembers he has seen this disintegrating shell of a person before.

"...Master?"

The figure turns around, excruciatingly slow. It stares right back at him, if one can call that staring, but what the Doctor sees is not the decayed Master. The structure of its bones is clearly that of himself. The living corpse emits a suffering whine, weak and trembling at first, but it gets louder and louder, so loud it hurts and rings not in his eardrums but in his head. He can barely make out the word as it tries to move its lips, it's only a simple...

"Regenerate."

***

The Doctor wakes up in his TARDIS, alone. She sings her usual steady hum. His tie is on the floor, alongside the hat he was wearing, and he's been sitting on the same place he barely remembers collapsing at earlier when he arrived from the party.

It's only as he manages to stabilise his breathing that he notices an itch at the back of his neck. He scratches off about a dozen hypnotic sleep patches.

---

SOOO basically the Master was guiding him through all of that because he may have noticed he was putting off his regeneration >:3c Yeah I was supposed to do little silly headcanons not a whole almost one shot but I got inspired HDKDLD HERE YOU GO HOPE YOU ENJOYED

Again my apologies if I got stuff from 10 wrong I barely remember nuwho cuz memory issues but this was fun! Also the sleep patches are those the 12th Doctor uses with Clara in Dark Water, they're technically not supposed to work on 12, so I assume they wouldn't on 10 either, but who's to say a dozen of them wouldn't or that the Master didn't tweak them somehow, or maybe it's the ginger. Anyways 10 is a mess and I am biting him.

If you want the silly headcanons still feel free to send another ask for that I got a bit carried away here fjfkfkf.

[chutzpahhooplah]

I'm going to put my insane ramblings about an obscure incest ship beneath this readmore, friends, don't mind me haha

I'm like Jesus in my great suffering as a manhwa reader because none of my peers understand MY jaime/cersei

they only ever had each other to love from the beginning and killed people and themselves just to keep the other safe. even when she tried to hate him she couldn't because they were the only ones who could rely on each other as children. she's stuck in a nightmarish timeloop without him knowing. he taught her to hunt and tended to her wounds after their mother beat her. he was going to start a war to rescue her from her husband. he never saved her from their parents. he killed her other husband to save her from her first. when the chips are down he will always choose her at the cost of everything he values, bcs that's his baby sister who he has loved since they were 9 and 6

.

not tagging this because my the other wound of christ is that the fans of this one are insane purity pests who only like a relationship if it's monogamous and just consists of CoHo levels of FUCKING. also they're unironically that one "morally grey male character vs. morally grey female character" meme. they haaaaaaaaate her lmao.

[amygdalae]

Oh I had a very fun, vaguely gothic horror flavored dream last night if any1 wants to hear about it. The dream itself wasn't particularly long but so much happened I won't be able to recount it in a way that isn't long-winded. So I'm putting it under a readmore lol.

Not the most "out there" as far as my dreams go but 1. It was very vivid, intricate and cohesive and 2. I actually remember like 90% of it. There is a haunting in it though! Always fun.

Not sure exactly where or how the dream started, but I was in this bigass old musty castle. I had amnesia, but I knew I lived there (or used to? I felt wistful, like I was returning after some time away). I also knew someone (a friend or sibling or something) used to lived there as well, but died of mysterious causes. I kept finding their belongings, small fancy things like lockets, jewelry boxes, expensive trinkets made of gold and porcelain. I'd try to pick them up but they were oddly light and they'd crumple or shatter in my hands.

There were only a few other people in the castle--one of whom was some sort of groundskeeper, a handsome but very tired-looking young man who I knew I had some kind of intimate relationship with (but couldn't remember the particulars). he was sweet and affectionate but had an air of sadness and anxiety about him (he seemed to know something I didn't, but was unwilling or unable to tell me)

I felt agitated, and was trying very desperately to find something. I remember wandering the courtyard and gardens awhile before goign back inside the castle and finding myself in an old theater. instead of a singular stage there were three small curtained stage-like platforms arranged in a half circle in front of the rows of seats. everything was coated with a film of dust

I went backstage, and there were old vividly-adorned puppets hanging in storage. As I walked past a rack of them, one started shaking on its own, and chattering its teeth very loudly. This scared me quite badly and I started to run.

I made it halfway down a hall before the floorboards beneath my feet gave way, and i fell into a very dusty room full of old furniture. The walls were somewhat rough-hewn and unadorned. The second I got my bearings I felt a deep dread rising into my chest, like whatever presence had animated the doll followed me into the room. I was then attacked by several large bugs--i could hear them muttering something angrily at me but couldn't make out the words. I waved my arms above my head to keep them at bay while they swooped down to bite me and looked around for an exit. I had this terrible feeling that if I didn't leave the room I would drown, or suffocate? (something to that effect. Vague indescribable dread is a very common thing in my dreams so it's hard to put into words)

I was able to kick my way out through the rotten planks of an old boarded up door, and wandered out into the sunlight-- I'd emerged into part of the garden, musty and suffering from neglect. I found my way to a pergola (covered patio). The groundskeeper found me there, seeming worried. The pergola was run down and coated with dusty moss; I rooted around some overgrown shelves and pried free a music box. I had to hold it very, very carefully; like other objects in the dream, it weighed nothing at all, and the metal seemed eager to crumple in my hands as soon as I picked it up.

Something about the music box filled me with bone-deep anguish. I sank to the floor, the groundskeeper joining me there with an arm around my shoulders. He seemed to immediately understand the significance of the music box, though I couldn't remember it myself. The last thing I remember is us sitting there together as I veeery gingerly turned the crank on the box. I have no memory of the melody that played, but (unsurpirisingly) it was mournful. Strangely, a comfortable numbness overtook me, and yet tears were streaming down my face. I think the other guy was crying too. The last thing I can recall is a warm glow emanating from somewhere; either the box itself or simply centered in our embrace. then I woke up.

anyways! 10/10! kind of rambling but overall a surprisingly well structured dream. I don't tend to have cool dreams like that without some off-color and insane shit thrown in by my subconscious for flavor but this one was weirdly cohesive? Felt worth documenting