#not on a level that would make klaus run him out of town

[averseunhinged]

wip wednesday! back again after a week off for global warming migraines. this is more of the feelings part of the porn with feelings. it keeps getting longer, but whatever. THAT'S FINE.

no actual porn in this part, but imma content warn for mention of hook ups with underhanded motives and also subsequent compulsion regarding that. it's douchebag bro revenge stuff, but it's still ehhhhhh. pretty shitty.

parts i've posted previously (i thiiiiiink this is the correct read order):

this part

then this week's snippet

then this

this

and finally this.

"He hasn't been doing anything," she flailed her hands in agitation, unable to think of the exact word she wanted, and finally settling on an unsatisfactory, "hybridy."

"But he has been doing something." It sounded like casual interest, but she'd known Klaus long enough to start to decode the full spectrum of nuance to his most pleasant line deliveries.

"Stupid ex-boyfriend stuff, not supernatural warfare! Look," Caroline said and then stopped to gather her thoughts. She looked around for somewhere to sit, but the sofa wasn't very long, and Klaus was just lanky enough to take up the entire length. So, she folded gracelessly next to his hip. He oofed when she elbowed him in the belly, but scootched over agreeably enough. "Before everything, Tyler was a jerk. A really huge one. But he changed so much when he triggered the curse. It was like the angry part that made him feel like everyone owed him something was gone, and he was just as scared and lost as I had been when I died. I had Stefan helping me." She kept going when Klaus scoffed, talking over him. "But Tyler didn't have anyone at first. For a little while, it felt like we were the only ones who understood each other. A lot happened, but we were friends for the first time, not just two people who'd always known each other."

He looked at her for a long moment, gentling in a way he only managed with any regularity for her and, very occasionally, Rebekah, and admitted, "I know."

"Right." Caroline looked away, uncomfortable with the reminder that Klaus had sire-bonded her entire relationship with Tyler out of him before he'd realized he was unable to refuse. "I assumed all of the jerk stuff went away, but I guess it was just dormant until now."

Klaus looked very much like he wanted to argue with that point as well, but exercised a seldom-used ability to read the room. "So, he isn't doing anything threatening, but he is being...uncouth with you."

"Uncouth? Really?" She laughed sadly and shrugged. "I guess he is, yeah. It's embarrassing. Mostly for him, but a little bit for me, too. Rebekah's been taking care of it. Not that I wanted her to, but there's no stopping her when she decides she's offended."

"He offended her?"

There was no part of her that wanted to continue, but she knew he'd get it out of someone eventually. Rebekah's willingness to keep him out of the loop had done a lot for their friendship, but Caroline doubted the other woman wouldn't spill if he asked her outright.

"Do not get involved, okay? I mean it. The two of you need to stay the hell away from each other." She swept up her hair, arranging it precisely over her shoulder, and twirled the curls around her fingers, glancing around the room without landing on anything for long. “He’s been hooking up with girls on my floor. And in my classes. And random girls I’ve met, who seemed fun. I think he was trying to make me jealous at first, but when he realized I just thought he was being skeezy, he started telling them he couldn’t see them again, because they knew me. Suddenly, I’m the hosebeast ex-girlfriend, standing in the way of true love, with no potential friends, because he’s poisoned the well.”

Klaus caught her fingers as they pulled on her hair a little bit too hard, tugged her hand down and cupped it with his own, running his thumb in soft strokes over her knuckles. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh, shut up. You are not.”

“I,” he pursed his lips in thought before carefully answering, “dislike seeing you in pain.”

Caroline was trapped by the way he looked at her, like he was begging her to believe his sincerity. As often as Klaus was the architect of his own suffering, and as well as he'd seemed able to ford her river of brutal rejection, she knew the times she'd hurt him the most were when he'd dropped the charm, but she'd still doubted him.

She didn't anymore. He'd been a warm and mildly flirty companion all summer, seemingly content enough in her willing company without pushing for more. It made it easier to blurt out the truth.

"Rebekah's been compelling everyone he sleeps with to think he's really bad in bed. Like under a minute and then," she ended the sentence by tilting her head, shutting her eyes, and snoring.

Klaus stared at her, wide-eyed, his lips pressed together in a deliberate frown.

"Don't laugh," she insisted and his composure broke. It was infectious, his giggle. She'd always felt guilty about how easy it was to laugh with him.

"No! No, don't. She shouldn't be," Caroline complained, helplessly trying to hold onto her composure. "Compulsion shouldn't be used for--"

"Is it working?" he asked, still grinning at her.

"Yes," she reluctantly admitted. "I'm pretty sure she threatened him with something else, too, but she won't tell me, and I don't want to talk to him."

"I'm going to let you in on a little secret."

"Not this again."

"Tyler is a wolf, sweetheart," Klaus insisted. "We're stubborn creatures. He isn't going to let it go unless someone makes him. Surely, Rebekah's methods are preferable to my own?"

[galvanizedfriend]

Klaroline WIP Wednesday

This is my humble contribution to this wip Weds! It's a tiny little snippert from the next chapter of Speed Dating, which has been sitting untouched for way too long. Genuinely hoping this might give me the will to keep going because I am this 🤏 close to the finish line (before editing starts and the finish line gets away from me again but shhhh, we're not going there yet).

--

She doesn't see Elijah again for the next two days. Whatever he's in town for, he either glides around the apartment like a ghost or their schedules are totally at odds. If not for the extravagantly fancy woolen overcoat by the door and what she has quickly learned is a very particular brand of moodiness for Klaus, she would've thought he'd already left.

It's probably for the best, considering the horror of that first meeting, but curiosity is an unscratchable itch. Elijah has intrigued her for years, more so than any of Klaus’ other siblings. Putting a face - well, a little more than a face, really - to the person is a given, but she can't help the desire to dig deeper. It’s in her nature to be nosy. About him, about Klaus, about the whole family. 

Despite the fact she's lived with one and been friends with another for years, the Mikaelsons remain a mystery to her. The more she knows, the more confusing it gets. Nothing about them seems to make much sense, and Caroline hasn't even decided if that's a super-rich, children of the 1% thing, or if the Mikaelsons are especially wacky even among their peers.

After two days, though, she's just about lost hope of bumping into Elijah again. She doubts he'll be staying for much longer, especially with Klaus' cordial show of hospitality. Not that Elijah seemed bothered - being rude to siblings for no apparent reason seems to be one of those things that are normal by Mikaelson standard. It's just how they operate.

She's just back from a shift at the hospital, idly scrolling through her Instagram while she waits for the microwave to deliver her sad leftover dinner. Bitterly, she realizes it has been months since she last updated her feed. Her last photo is with Tyler, for crying out loud. Should she even keep it there? What's the etiquette for when you break up with someone for no earth-shattering reasons, the relationship just fizzling out and running its course? Is it rude to delete all evidence of him from her social media records? Is it expected? Will he be upset? Has he deleted her from his social media? 

In fact, now that she thinks about it... Is Tyler even seeing anyone?

"Huh," she mumbles to herself, fully internalizing in that second how truly messy her life has become that she hasn't even cyber-stalked her ex to know what he's been up to since they broke up. That's a whole new level of rock bottom unlocked, right there.

"Miss Forbes?"

Caroline nearly drops her phone when she looks up to find Elijah standing by the kitchen door. She swears to God the man is unnaturally feline; she didn't even hear him approach.

Unlike in their first encounter, he's now fully clothed and, unsurprisingly, he looks just as good as he did without a stitch on. Maybe better. His suit looks as though it was sewn directly onto his body by an Italian master tailor. The range of that man.

"Hey!" She cringes at her high pitch, standing up straight. 

His smile is affable as he steps further into the kitchen. "Do I interrupt?"

"What? No. I was just scrolling."

Caroline feels suddenly very self-conscious of just how crazy frumpy she must look standing in front of Elijah. The man is a poster boy for wellness and prosperity, while she is... Well. Not.

Suffice to say she's wearing a Timberwolves t-shirt from her long-gone cheerleading days in high school with at least five visible holes on it.

"I've been meaning to apologize for that horrid incident the other day," he starts. Caroline wouldn’t have brought the incident up, assuming he would rather forget it ever happened, but if it causes him any measure of discomfort to have been butt naked in front of a complete stranger, he does not show, which - now that she thinks about, is something else that feels very Mikaelson-esque. They do all seem to be incredibly comfy in their own skins. "Niklaus warned me that you would be home soon, but my despair for a proper shower was stronger than caution. I should've been more careful."

"You don't have to apologize. It's fine. It was nothing." That would've been a good place to stop. A very mature and dignified let's leave it at that and never mention it again. But her stupid mouth just keeps going. "I see naked people all the time at the hospital. It's totally unremarkable." Elijah's eyebrows inch upwards into a mildly curious expression. "I don't mean that you are unremarkable!" she corrects, and then, getting immediately horrified at the implications, adds, "You're not - I mean, you're ok, you're - obviously. Not that I was looking, I wasn’t - I just mean - You know what? I'm just gonna shut up now." She snaps her lips sealed, half-wishing that a hole would open underneath her feet and suck her into the magma of the earth.

[kirythestitchwitch]

Klaroline WIP Wed - fake sexy lamp au - 1.3

1.1 here 1.2 here

“Ugh!” With a dramatic huff and a flounce, Rebekah tipped sideways to lean on his shoulder, which drew a deep exhale from her exceedingly patient older brother, who was reaching his limit. Her gaze drifted over the contents of his folder, and she drew in a short breath. “Oh. Stefan.”

“Mm. The Ripper still appears to call this town home. Once more, he’s been pulled into the wake of a doppelgänger’s tragedies and found himself ensnared.” Lifting a page, from the stack underneath, he held up a photo—clearly taken at night—of Stefan outside a house, peering in the window.

Making a face, Rebekah reached her arm around and plucked another photo up: Stefan watching the doppelgänger in a graveyard. In the photo, she appeared to be writing in a journal, knees tucked up almost to her chin. 

“She’s not nearly as pretty as the first one,” Bekah said cattily, and real amusement tugged at the corner of his mouth for the first time all morning. His little sister could be so petty when she chose to be, and she had never quite gotten over the loss of Stefan all those years ago. To find he had been pulled into the aura of the doppelgänger like so many others before him had to be a low blow. The low level psychic tug the doppelgängers projected seemed to work on some, not on others. Elijah seemed eternally bound to their whims.

Thinking of Elijah put the scowl back on Klaus’ face.

“Enough, Rebekah.” Pulling the photo from her fingers, he tucked it back into the folder and shut it. “That will be your new best friend, come Monday morning.”

“Ugh. She promises to be horribly depressing. Writing in her diary in a graveyard, honestly.” Rebekah flicked the folder. “Hope you have a Tortured Artist persona ready, she’ll probably like that one.”

“Well, we’re not leaving anything to chance, or the treachery of the canon fodder this time, are we? Nor will Elijah be here to become romantically entangled in her web.” Idly, he watched passers-by mill around the town square.

Rolling her head against his shoulder to look up at his face, Rebekah squinted at him. “Are you two ever going to make up? It’s been decades.”

Something that certainly wasn’t petulance, definitely annoyance, crept into his voice. “Elijah is the one with the grudge. If he had only not spent two decades wallowing in self-imposed misery—”

“After you told him that you threw us into the ocean,” Rebekah pointed out.

“—Of which it was very clear to see I had not done so. You would have thought his spies better at reporting such things, and after I left so many of them alive.” It was rather magnanimous of him, he thought. Elijah should have come running, decades before he’d crawled out of his den of woe. Even now, he was still living apart from them. Oh, he’d visit to see Kol and Rebekah, but Klaus he ignored with frigid politeness. It was galling.

“You could just apologize,” Bekah wheedled.

Klaus reached for his backpack and shoved the folders inside, jerking the zip closed. Getting to his feet, he dumped Rebekah over on the bench and she swore while she righted herself. 

“I guess that’s a ‘no’ then,” she said irritably, shoving hair off her face.

[crimsonlyinglilly]

No. 1: “But now this room is spinning while I’m trying just to fill in all the gaps.”

Safety Net | Swooning | “How many fingers am I holding up?”

Early into their lives as vampires Elijah runs into trouble, luckily he has an older brother to save him.

Elijah hadn’t returned the night before, Klaus and Kol had laughed it off and while Rebekah had looked concerned she had followed Klaus’s lead when Finn had spoken of it.

He would have ignored it, left it alone, left Elijah be if he hadn’t caught the smell of blood, familiar blood, his family's blood on one of the men who entered the inn while he was with Sage.

Instead he listens as as they speak his anger grows, when the man-vampire get up and leaves with the small group he follows, bidding Sage goodnight with a smile and a kiss. He swallows the hot spit that gathered in his mouth along with his rage and leaves.

It’s not hard to track the men,he had grown up hunting for his food, follow the vampire that smelt of Elijah’s blood, that had bragged of feeding from the purest of vampire blood had laughed when one of his companions had questions keeping it constrained.

‘It’ his brother, and they called him a it, dragged about keeping him weak.

“Not so strong after we all had a drink.” he had bragged and Finn’s hands tightened around his sword’s hilt.

He follows them out of the town and though the woods, the moment he gets Elijah’s scent on its own and not the weak secondary one from the first man, he wipes out vampire and his newly collected group without them truly knowing what hit them and continued on to the hut, leaving his sword free to drip.

There are more at the hut, which helps Finn put together how they caught Elijah, they may be much stronger than even normal vampires but one against 15, a surprise attack, and his brother’s habit of going out without a sword, even Elijah couldn’t manage that alone.

He’s already planning a lectured, when he notices he’s killed them all and looks up to find his missing brother.

Despite what he had heard, which should have been a warning, the sight of his brother hanging in thick chains still hits him. He’s unnaturally pale almost grey, his clothes are mostly gone,his tunic torn away in shred and his Hose barely keeping him decent., his boots were missing.

Eijah just stares at him with confusion as Finn searches the bodies for keys to the chains. 

“What did they do?” he asked pointlessly to fill the silence when he finds the keys. He really didn’t need to the bragging he had heard and the unhealing wounds, bruises and cuts as well as the more than a dozen bite marks that answered the question for Finn before Elijah managed it.

“Drained me, thought drinking from an Original would make them stronger.” Elijah’s voice is not much more than a whisper as Finn managed to release the last chain, Elijah fell against him,making no attempt to stand his own.  ‘He should have killed them slower.’  he thought.

It wasn’t hard to figure out how it was known they were originals since Klaus and Kol had been loudly bragging, he had thought the only risk of that was being their father on their heads but it seemed it has inspired another issue. 

“Did it?” it was something they needed to know in case it made them a target, even if Finn had kill them all this time.

“Did you have any trouble with them?“ Elijah’s voice was closer to his normal biting tone but Finn eyed him as he still made no move to escape Finn’s presents.

“No.“ He had spent their human life training against father’s brute force blows and Elijah precise aimed attacks, with the added Vampire strength and against fresh untrained vampires it hadn’t been any harder than against plain humans.

“Clearly not then.” Elijah sighed before adding “I want a wash.” while mostly talking into Finn’s chest. 

Finn was suddenly aware that despite the open wounds and bite marks there was little blood on him, ‘oh.’ he thought, horror, disgust and a new level of rage filling him, ‘they wouldn’t want to waste any, he really should have killed them slower, after tearing out their tongues first.’

Still the way Elijah acting was disturbing, Elijah hadn’t been one to rely on anyone since they were children, a mix of Mother pushing the responsibilities of looking after the kids, Mikael’s strict expectations and Finn would admit his own coldness throughout their childhood, had caused Elijah to cut himself off only truly allowing Klaus, Kol and Rebekah glimpses of his weakness before covering them up with a smile and a glare at Finn when he noticed him watching.

Yet here Elijah stayed slumped against him, as Finn grew slowly aware that he may be the only thing keeping him upright, it was an added concern since they hadn’t really faced any weakness since they had lost their humanity.

“Elijah, are you-” before he could finish the question Elijah pulled himself together seemingly, taking a step back.

For a moment Elijah stood looking up at him, but then the attention to look at him appeared too much and his brother swooned.

It was thanks to the vampire speed that he was able to catch him before he crashed to the floor.

“Elijah!”

—

Out of all his siblings Finn being the one to find him was the most unexpected.

Although as he thought about it, it was likely better than any of the others, Finn was calmer, proof of that was the neat way Finn had decapitated every one of the vampires that had taken him, if it was any of their younger siblings they would be strewn across the hut in many more pieces.

Not that Elijah was against that outcome the memory of their hand pawing at him and fangs, the tongues dragging across his flesh was something that would take awhile to forget, but the aftermath of Klaus, Kol and Rebekah’s anger would likely cost many innocents their lives, bring father upon them and ruin the clothes he had gotten them.

It’s hard enough keeping Kol clean during his normal rampages, impossible when he and Klaus decide to bathe in the blood.

It’s takes far too much time for him to think of removing himself from Finn’s person, his mind moving sluggishly, however as soon he did he quickly came to regret it, the room swam in his vision and for the first time in decades, since their new life started, his legs fell out from under him, and he was swallowed by black.

He came to moments later, face once again pressed into Finn’s tunic.

—

“Room spinning.” Elijah croaked as he explained, Finn noted the slight shake of concern in his voice that did nothing to calm his own worry.

He stood for a moment, staring down at the top of Elijah head, he couldn’t walk through town with his undressed brother at his side, one because it was clear they couldn’t put that much trust in his brother’s legs currently and second while the cold hadn’t bothered them since they had been remade, in Elijah current state it could. 

“Come little brother, let’s get you back.” he tells him as he pulls his cloak off and wraps it around Elijah. 

“Hmmm, you haven’t called me that since I was 12.“ Elijah muttered before shutting his month audibly with a click, as Finn swept him up, he shifted the weight noting carrying him wasn’t any more difficult than when he was 12.

Normally the quiet would have been acceptable as he let the building, but he found it concerning tonight with the memory of normally graceful Elijah swooning. 

“It’s a good thing, you're small.” he teased.

Elijah choked and looked up at him to glare, Finn thinks if they were still human he would have blushed.

(he mourns the thought.)

“I’m a perfectly acceptable height.” Elijah told him, 

He may have been correct, their family were blessed with height leaving even Rebekah taller than most woman, he tries not to wonder if Freya would have been as tall, and as always fails, same with Henrik, but Elijah was still shorter than even Klaus and next to Kol, he can sometime disappear behind him.

Finn smirked until his brother looked away, the smirk grew as he noted his brother was pouting. A 100 year old vampire, the noble one, so called peace keeper of their family, he was still a little brother.

He kept the grin on his face even when he’s suddenly reminded of the quiet fragile baby he held of the voyage to the new world, back when Freya loss was still a weeping wound in his heart and he was torn between anger at the dark shade of a babe that replace her, pleading to the gods to take it and return his golden sister and yet still watching the chest tiny rise and fall of the blankets to make sure it lived because Freya had loved them before he was born.

Such pain was left behind with his mortal regrets. He reminds himself.

“You shouldn’t sleep.” He says as he notes Elijah nodding off, before he can stop himself from a hang over from their old lives. 

“Not like I can die now.” Elijah replies.

Finn shifted Elijah onto one arm, Elijah grasping on to him at the movement, to bring his wrist to his mouth and bite open his own wrist.

“Here ” he offered, Elijah blinked owlishly, Finn would blame the bloodloss, “Drink.”

Elijah doesn’t hesitate when the blooded arm is placed right in front him, Finn looks away and ignores the feeling of fangs in his wrist.

“We’ll get you someone to eat before we get back to the others.” for all he doesn't like their new feeding habits he likes his brother's vulnerability worse.

“There's a man who beats his wife not far from here, he should be drinking in the alley behind his house about now.” Elijah tells him, neither look at each other.

—

“Don’t tell Klaus.” Elijah tells him as he clears the blood from his face, it was rare to see his controlled brother feed with such violence, but it would make sense given his evening.

 Also a recently rare sight is seeing Elijah in anything less than the cleanest garb, a new habit he will blame on Tristan de Martel, Finn’s least favourite of the three his sibling sired, but given how Elijah himself staring in distaste at clothes Finn thinks if he brings it up he will be snapped at.

Instead he turns his thoughts back to Elijah request, they should mention it, Elijah was attacked and weakened but he has no doubt if Klaus learns the full truth, well, blood would run the streets and he has no doubt their younger brother's protectiveness and possessiveness would make it unpleasant for all of them, not just the innocent humans he would take his wrath out on..

Finn was relieved the worst of Klaus' attention was normally reserved for both Rebekah and Elijah, it did however leave Elijah stuck dealing with Klaus's tantrums while Kol went on his own sprees, which were then made worse when Elijah never came for him. Finn is well aware the reason they both prefer Elijah’s attention and listen to him is due to his own distance just as was Elijah's own distance to him is due to Finn’s coldness as they were younger.

“We’ll get you that bath and they’ll never know.” he smiles, Whats a little secret between brothers. He muses.

He offers Elijah his arm when he notices his brother still swaying, whether that was still due to his draining or the alcohol in the blood of his meal he didn’t know.

He is pleased when Elijah takes his arm, perhaps they could use the time of this unnatural life to fix the damage relationship. 

[sevensistersofsussex]

5 Favorite & Least favorite characters of The Orginals and why?

Oh dear anon.

I do wish I could give you a real answer on this, but I haven't actually seen The Originals. The first season, but that's it. I could give you better answers about The Vampire Diaries (favorite and least favorite characters, ships, friendships etc.) if you wanted but I can do my best based on like 20 episodes of watching season one. And with the caveat that maybe some of what I liked or didn't like would change with the coming seasons.

Favorite (in no order)

Davina - Can't blame her for how she acted during the sacrifice. I mean, I doubt she thought it would be so violent. I feel like a lot was withheld from her and the rest of the Harvest girls in general. She's young and naïve and has this rebellious streak where she doesn't seem to enjoy being told what to do. Good for her.

Rebekah - Not shocked that she brought Mikael to NOLA, shocked that Klaus gave his approval for her love life only after she made a move against him. Very bold and honestly, I would have supported her doubling down on her decision. Rebekah deserves to run NOLA.

Thierry - Idk. I just love his whole forbidden romance vibe with Katie at odds with his deep friendship with Marcel. I do wonder what he felt about the witches and how he justified his actions against them to Katie or maybe she wasn't okay with the Harvest either? Who knows. I just wish those two had left NOLA together to live their pretty people lives out somewhere in France.

Celeste - I get it, she's the villain. But honestly, love how deeply committed she was to her vendetta. That line she delivers to Elijah about how every woman he falls in love with from now on he has to wonder if it's her. Sick. I do love that for her. It is very Rumors album and I just have to clap at the level of commitment to ruining the Mikaelsons. And she could have done it to if it wasn't for those meddling kids! (Monique).

Sophie Deveraux - She just reminds me so much of Jenna. I was rooting for her to make it out of town! Trying to do what she thinks is the right thing and paying for it. She should have been around longer! It also would have been interesting to have her around as a love interest after Rebekah leaves.

Least Favorite (in no order)

Monique - Honestly, just the whole killing your aunt because you are a zealot kills my vibes. And then listing her as things you lost to the coven? Ma'am, you did that! Own it! Your mom, yes. Your aunt, no. Move on. The actress does a great job with that blank, nothing behind the eyes zealot thing. Kudos. It just feels like they wrote her character to fill in whatever they needed her to fill in, ya know?

Hayley - I just....she just...seems like such a different character than the one we got in TVD? Like when she made an impassioned plea on the life of innocents, I snort laughed. This from the same girl who (less than 6 months prior?) had bonded, trained and ultimately led to the slaughter 12 hybrids and then had sex with the man who did it? Idk...I guess I just thought she'd be way more ruthless and unfeeling about the causalities on her way to what she wants. Was the implication that impending motherhood softened her? Cause it shouldn't have. Imo, it should have hardened her. Amplified her cruel streak. That would have been interesting.

Cami - I almost hate to put her here cause I think she's got interesting stuff you know? Solving the mystery of her brother and dealing with her family's long history of complicity in the city. All very cool. But towards the end of season 1 I was just, not into her? Her morality seems to fluctuate and I'm just confused. Maybe the theme here is that Julie & Co don't write female characters with a perspective in mind, but rather what the male characters need from them?

Oliver - Honestly how cold blooded do you need to be to kill your old friend and then claim it was for the good of the pack? Another character that I'm just confused about what his motivation and perspective were. Working with the witches against Rebekah and Hayley (and by association his bff Jackson)? And also plotting against his own people to stage a coupe against said bff which idk about TVDU werewolves in a pack but I feel like the fight for alpha would be to the death and then what about your bestie? Huh! What about your bestie Ollie? Also he did my girl Rebekah dirty.

Marcel - I am sure this would change! Cause I adore him, truly. But why the hell did Rebekah leave town and he's all "It's my city" like he's Batman? The writers couldn't come up with a better reason why, after all this time, he finally gets the girl and he says no thanks I think I'll just stay here in this warehouse and get my best friend killed. Couldn't possibly rule a city in a different part of the country with my hot vampire wife! I am confused and a little salty about that so please forgive my bias. Was it really just the city? I know it all depended on the actors but come on! Give the man a better reason to deny the love of his life! It's giving me Season 3 Stefan "Go to Denver to resolve your feelings about my brother" Salvatore vibes.

[thesevenumbrellas]

If you've not already done so, can you do a percy jackson/tua crossover type hc? This feels very demanding of me even though people ask you these types of things, so sorry if it sounds rude.

Of course! I’ve written a couple like this but tagging on tumblr is awful so I can never find them again.

Edit: didn’t realize until after I wrote it how long this was so... my bad...

Luther is the son of Zeus. He’s raised by the half-blood camp knowing he’s part of an important prophecy. Because of that he never knew a life away from being a hero. That can make him insufferable at times, and he has a huge hero complex, but he’s also someone you want on your side.

He’s sent on a quest to fetch the rest of the seven in order to complete the prophecy.

Diego, son of Apollo. Amazing aim but he uses knives instead of a bow as a direct fuck you at the gods. He too has a hero complex but also hates the gods for abandoning him. His father barely knows he exists. After his mother was killed by a monster he spent almost a year crossing the country to get to the supposed safe place his mother told him about. Camp Half Blood.

Allison, daughter of Aphrodite. She’s the strongest charm speaker the gods have ever known. She’s also never lived her life without it. After she misuses her power against some bullies, she runs away from home. She tries to survive without her powers when the guilt of her past plagues her. This doesn’t work very well however when she almost dies from monster attacks.

Allison is kidnapped by a Cyclops wanting to cook her when she meets Diego... who also happened to have been kidnapped. They escape together and she decides to follow him to Camp Half Blood.

Klaus, son of Hades. He’s not supposed to exist. The gods don’t acknowledge him. Hades can’t help him. He’s on his own.

Klaus was orphaned at birth but he has never been alone. The ghosts are always there. As a teen her turns to drugs in order to tune out their screams. This works for a while...

... until he’s attacked by monsters one night at a club. He’s saved by Diego and Allison. He decides to follow them to camp half blood. He doesn’t fully believe their tales of gods. He knows he isn’t a hero. But he owes Ben a favor, and his ghost friend really seems to think that it’s a good idea.

Five son of... well no one knows. He’s never been claimed. He’s lived in the Hermes cabin since arriving at Camp Half Blood at thirteen years old. He thinks it’s been decades. He’s not sure. No one can remember a time he hasn’t been there. No one can remember how long he’s lived there. He still looks thirteen.

Time doesn’t matter to Five. He can’t remember a life outside of camp half blood. He can’t remember a time he didn’t look thirteen. He can’t remember how long he’s been at camp. He can’t remember when the voice of his father started to haunt his dreams, but he can ignore the orders no longer.

When Luther leaves on a quest for camp, Five knows he needs to follow. So he does. Even if the truth could mean his death.

Can a son of Kronos even be part of a prophecy? If his new friends knew the truth... would they even let him live?

Ben is a ghost. He died almost fifteen years ago. He doesn’t remember his parents, doesn’t remember ever having powers... He knows his fate though. He’s seen it hundreds of times before. If you can’t pay the toll, you drift. You drift in the earthly plane until you can’t remember anything, until you can’t think, until you’re nothing but mist and regret.

He won’t let that happen. Klaus is a beacon. He’s a lighthouse during a storm. But more than that. When Ben is with Klaus, he can almost remember what it’s like to be human. He can almost remember Camp Half Blood.

Now if only he can keep that idiot alive long enough to remember everything else. Like why can Klaus see him even when he’s drugged? And why does Ben have a portal to Tartarus in his stomach?

Vanya is the last to join their group. She’s ordinary. There’s nothing special about her. She can play the violin although not particularly well. She feels like a half blood, although just faintly. She barely even attracts any monsters. She’s nothing. A minor God’s child, left to die at the claws of any monster hungry enough to bother with someone like her.

Until she levels an entire building.

The half-bloods find Vanya by accident while hiding from a manticore. She just happens to be at the coffee shop with her high school orchestra, on their way to a performance in the next town over. They only stopped because their bus was having engine trouble.

The half-bloods are shocked when the manticore is distracted from hunting them by Vanya, a seemingly normal human girl...

But even through the protection magic... the manticore can smell her power.

And then she accidentally brings the entire building down by playing a single note on her violin.

Is she a daughter of Apollo? The music would make sense. Ares maybe? With a strength like that? Athena? One of the big three?

Vanya follows them, searching for answers. And they follow Luther, on a quest he was raised to follow all his life.

To save the world from an apocalypse that has yet to happen.

Meanwhile Hera watches from above, terrified that her affair will be revealed to the world through the existence of her only daughter.

[paperpocalypse]

family outing.

50 Wordless Ways to Say “I Love You”: 29. Tucking their hair behind their ear to help them get it out of their face.

Pairing: Five Hargreeves x Reader

Word Count: 1,436 words

Warning: Mild swearing

[A/N: Mild S2 spoilers!]

“So,” Vanya’s brow furrows, “Five met you after the apocalypse?”

“Yep.” Leaning against her car, you cross your arms and sigh dreamily. “Hate at first sight. He almost shot me in the head.”

“… With a gun?”

You grin. “Well, he couldn’t’ve shot me with a Twinkie.”

Vanya looks ahead at where Five is talking to some middle-aged guy, his expression friendly and polite. What a businessman. Her eyes narrow in shocked disbelief. “This is crazy,” she murmurs. “My family is crazy.”

Your grin widens as she shakes her head. Something about her mannerisms helps you realize why Five is so fond of her, though he’s never said it outright. She’s definitely your favorite of the bunch. Sans murderous intent.

“Some types of crazy can be good,” you reply, nudging her arm. “But your family’s got all of them and it’s gonna get real messy. Time to spice up your little farm life, Vanya.”

She chuckles a little awkwardly and shrugs. “I just hope I’ll have time to talk to them. Again, I mean. Maybe I’ll remember something when we’re all together.”

“Yeah. Maybe.” Noticing Five bidding farewell to the man, you push yourself off the bumper and wave at him. “Any luck, Five?”

He points down the street behind you as he walks back over. “Plano Street Rooming House for Solitary Men,” he answers. “It’s just a few blocks from here.”

“How do you know he’s there?” Vanya asks.

“I really doubt Luther would live anywhere else.”

You snort, raising your hands in surrender when Five returns it with a semi-faux withering look. With a sigh, he shakes his head and opens the rear passenger door, gesturing for you to get in.

As Vanya starts the car and turns into the street, you look through the rearview mirror at Five as he tells her where to go. Despite being stuck in a thirteen-year-old body, he still has that resting glower of his that makes him look perpetually stressed. 

(Of course, it’s not just a matter of looking stressed – he is definitely stressed. Wound up tighter than a spring. You’ll probably need to force him to sit down and relax for at least a half-hour tonight before he explodes.)

His hair is a little disheveled, so you reach over to brush it out of his eyes. It doesn’t really work, but just going through the familiar motion grounds you somehow. “You know,” you muse as Five glances back at you, “Luther’s probably living there, but I doubt he’ll be in right now. He’s probably with Ruby somewhere.”

“Even if he is, we can ask around. I assume that at least one person there knows his business.”

He absently lifts a hand to smooth his hair back, and you smile. “Good point.”

—

“Hello, do you know Luther Hargreeves by any chance?”

After some door-to-door work, someone from Luther’s hall finally answers your knock. He’s a burly man, though not nearly as big as Luther, and obviously drunk off his rocker. Definitely solitary. He squints at the three of you through red, puffy eyes.

“Luther? Yeahhh, I know ‘im. Huge bloke. Real hairy.”

“That’s the one,” Five confirms. “You see, we’re his brother and sister. He hasn’t visited home lately and we’re pretty worried, so we’re just wondering if you know where he is.”

Burly picks at his teeth. “Brother n’ sister, eh? Well,” he rumbles, “I dunno where he is, but I know some of the boys are gonna watch ‘im fight tonight.”

“Where’s the fight?” Vanya asks.

The man regards her with suspicion. “Well, it ain’t a place for a little lady like you.” He swirls his beer around in its bottle, then jabs a finger at all of you. “Don’t want you three squealing to the cops, either.”

“We won’t,” you assure him, smiling sweetly. “We just want to check on Luther.”

With a little more cajoling, you finally obtain the time and place for Luther’s fight before the man waves you away with a grunt, slamming his door shut. You give your companions a self-satisfied grin before descending the staircase back down to street level. Worked like a charm. (You suspect your youthful looks probably helped a lot, though.)

“How’d you do that?” Vanya wonders as the three of you step out onto the sidewalk.

“Simple,” you respond. “I have a knack for sweeping tough guys off their feet.”

You wink secretly at Five. He rolls his eyes, the minutest of smiles at the corner of his mouth, before ushering you and Vanya back to the Chevy.

Your little trio spends the next few hours driving and poking around, looking for Luther or Klaus or Allison. The optimist in you hopes you’ll run across at least one of them. But Dallas is a big place, and darkness begins to fall around 5:30 without a single sighting.

“Dammit.” Five clicks his tongue as you exit a paint shop alone.

“At least we know where Luther will be,” you point out, shoving your hands in your pockets. “How about we get something to eat before we head to the fight?”

Vanya unlocks the car. “There’s a place I know close by,” she says, lips quirking up. “They have sandwiches and donuts there.”

You pat her back. “Sounds great, Vanya. Five? You’ve got to eat something, too.”

Your favorite number crosses his arms as you and Vanya stare at him expectantly. “We’ll get something quick,” he eventually says.

The trip only takes a few minutes. The three of you get sandwiches and a donut each and unwrap them on the bench outside the bakery.

“Sissy and Harlan and I get something from here whenever we go into town,” Vanya says, finishing the last of her sandwich and picking her donut up. “It’s pretty good.”

“So good,” you agree. Lands alive, sitting out here like this makes you nostalgic. Ignoring the upcoming doomsday and the ‘60′s aesthetic, it feels like you’re back in 1927 again, staying out past curfew with your peers. You smile to yourself and look down at your half-finished maple bar. Best to enjoy it while it lasts.

A finger quickly sweeps your brow, tucking a lock of hair out of your face. You blink and glance over at Five, but he’s looking across the street and starting on his own pastry. (Apple fritter. Perhaps you’ll ask him one day why he always gets those.)

Heart feeling even softer than before, you lean silently against his side. He doesn’t move.

After a moment, Five speaks up. “When we were kids, I brought you to this donut shop near the academy a couple times.”

“You did?” Vanya asks.

“Yeah. Griddy’s.” Oh, the one near the academy. The one that had gotten destroyed along with everything else in 2019. He gestures at the last bit of donut – plain, glazed – in her hands. “You usually got that kind.”

She raises her eyebrows, looking into her napkin. “Oh, wow. I guess it must’ve been a subconscious choice or something, then.”

“Hm.”

“You know, I’m glad we found you, Vanya,” you offer warmly. “I didn’t … really have time to get to know you the last time we met.”

A smile spreads across her face. “Same here. For both things, I mean. Not that I’d know much about our first meeting.” She pauses, examining you for a second, then blurts, “Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot.”

She awkwardly motions between you and her brother. “Are you and Five …?”

“Partners,” you finish, “in every sense of the word. From what I know, at least.” With a grin, you turn to Five. “Is that more or less right?”

He rolls his eyes fondly. “Unfortunately,” he mutters as you move to smooth his hair back again. He sure had lovely hair when he was a kid – not that you didn’t appreciate his looks back in your Commission days. This de-aging thing really knocks you for a loop sometimes.

Vanya nods, still looking vaguely confused. “Okay. I don’t want to make things weird, I just – well, you two are kind of … young –”

“Believe me, we’re much older than we look,” you quip, standing up. “But that’s a tale for another time. We gotta go.”

Disposing of your trash, you join the others into the Chevy and start your next journey to Luther Hargreeves. Radio turned off, the leather seat squeaks as you lean back and listen to Vanya and Five murmuring in the front.

To see the siblings together again makes you glow inside, a bit of calm before the inevitable storm. You drink it in as much as you can.

[lynyrdwrites]

long story short (KC)

This is based off the request for frienzoline + Klaroline, and long story short by Taylor Swift from @ofthedirewolves. It’s more Frienzoline than anything, but really? That should be expected.  It’s sort of disjointed, but I hope you enjoy.

---

Pushed from the precipice

Clung to the nearest lips

Wrong story short it was the wrong guy

“My story can be split into a series of losses.”

Enzo blinked at the solemnly spoken words.  He hadn’t thought vampires could get drunk, but he and Caroline had spent the past twelve hours proving that, actually, they very much could.  Apparently they had moved from the karaoke singing stage to the sad reminiscing.

“My story basically just consists of an Augustine cell and a lot of bloody, bloody experiments,” he said after a beat of silence, figuring that he needed to give an appropriately serious response.  Caroline moved her gaze from the roof, where she’d been staring as he spoke, to look at him instead.

“That’s sad,” she said at last.  “Forget my story.  Yours is just sad.  You deserve French fries to make up for that sad story.”

“Will they actually help with anything?” Enzo mused, and Caroline wrinkled her nose and shrugged.

“I dunno.  But they’re tasty.  Do you think Matt would bring us some, if I called him?”

After a long debate, they decided that, no, Matt Donovan wouldn’t deliver French fries to his ex and the crazy vampire he hated.  But it turned out there was a bag of frozen wedges in the Forbes’ freezer, and Caroline declared they were good enough.

Another debate then occurred, where he convinced her to bake them in the oven, instead of heating up the deep fryer.  Enzo had been in an overly destructive building fire once before, thank-you very much. He’d rather not repeat the experience.

So it was, twenty minutes later, Caroline was perched on the counter, nibbling on a still frozen wedge as the rest heated, while Enzo sat on a chair, bottle of tequila dangling from his fingers.  He had decided he hated tequila, but it did do an awfully good job of getting one drunk.

“Okay, so back to your series of stories.”

Caroline blinked at him, gaze fuzzy with alcohol, and Enzo sighed.

“Remember? My story can be split into a series of losses.” He gave the sentence the proper intonation, one of surly seriousness.  

“I didn’t sound like that,” she muttered, reaching for the tequila.  Enzo handed it over. After all, getting drunk had been her idea.

They were at almost thirteen hours after her mother’s funeral.  

“You kind of ruined my sad story,” she said at last, after swallowing a mouthful of the alcohol.  “With your whole sad, locked up vampire schtick. No one can stand up to that level of tragedy.”

“We’re not playing a game of who’s trauma is bigger-”

“Yeah, cause you would win.”

Enzo ignored that and pushed on, “We’re playing a game of share the trauma.  Share yours, Gorgeous.”

“I don’t have trauma.”

“The dead mother says otherwise.”

Caroline looked thoughtful for a moment, and then shrugged.

“Did you know that she tried to kill me once? After I was turned.  Mommy tried to kill me and daddy tortured me.  I’m not sure what that says about me.”

“Probably that your trauma is much larger than you think.  Okay, dead mommy and daddy.  What would your other losses be?  Hit me.”

The timer of the oven went off, and Caroline pulled the wedges out.  She immediately grabbed one, and hissed, tossing it between fingers as it burned her skin, until she finally got it in her mouth.  She followed it almost immediately by more tequila.

“Be careful.  They’re hot.”

Enzo snickered, but helped her dish the wedges out onto plates.  Once they sat at the table, Caroline spoke again.

“I mean, my humanity.   That’s a pretty big loss, right?”

“Meh.” Enzo shrugged. “I think humanity’s overrated, but if you want to say it’s a loss-”

“No, you’re right!” Caroline poked a victorious finger at him.  “You are so right!  Like, how was being human really so great for me?  I was Damon’s dumb, compelled blood bag.  Everyone lied to me.  No one took me seriously.  But Stefan is all sad eyes about vampirism, and Elena is absolutely miserable, even if she tries to lie about it.  And I’m like, okay, maybe I’m missing something.  Maybe it is the worst thing… but see, you get it!  You’re, like, the only person who gets it.” She looked thoughtful for a second, and gave her head the slightest shake.  “Maybe, like, the second person who gets it.”

“Okay, so that’s a loss that’s not really a loss.  What else?”

“Mommy and daddy,” Caroline pointed out around a wedge, she reached for the tequila, then wrinkled her nose again.  “We need actual glasses for this.  Back wash is gross.”

In just a few moments, they both had glasses filled to the top with just tequila, because that was apparently who they were as people, and Caroline was brandishing a wedge again.

“Okay, so then there’s my relationships.  Matt and Tyler, and the total demise of my friendship with Stefan, because he is such a dick.  And did you see how he looked at me during the funeral? Like, really?  I bare my heart to the guy, and he can’t be bothered to care until he decides I look hot next to my mom’s casket?  Who does that?”

“Wankers,” Enzo replied, when Caroline paused and he realized she actually wanted an answer.  “Absolute wankers.  Of which Stefan is one.”

“Thank-you.  And I mean, we also lost Bonnie in there, even if we got her back.  And Jeremy. And Alaric.  Those are the fake deaths.  They probably get their own sub genre.  And there was Klaus, who fake died and then left, but I couldn’t really be sad about his fake death, you know?  Like, I was, but I couldn’t show it. Can I tell you a secret?” She leaned towards him, and Enzo leaned in as well, because that was what you did when there was a secret.  “I cried. When I thought he was dead.  When no one else was around.  I cried.  But if you try to tell anyone, I’ll lie, and say you’re a dirty liar who knows nothing. So don’t tell.” She leaned back in her chair, and gazed up at the ceiling again.  “I cried when he took off for New Orleans, too.  And a little bit after his bang and run. But it’s not because its, like, him in particular.  I just… hate not being good enough.”

“Gorgeous, if Klaus thinks you’re not good enough, he’s as big a wanker as Stefan.”

“I mean, he’s a bigger wanker.  He’s Klaus.  But he left. So obviously I can’t be good enough, right?”

“I dunno.  Maybe he thought he wasn’t good enough for you?”

Caroline threw a wedge at him, and looked vaguely impressed when Enzo managed to catch it between his teeth.  He smirked at her as he chewed on it.  They were surprisingly good.

“Really? Would you choose to abandon someone because you felt you weren’t good enough for them?”

“No, but I’m not a wanker. I thought that went without saying.”

Caroline laughed, and Enzo would admit it did his old heart some good, to see her actually show genuine mirth after all the tears and sadness that had followed her since her mother had died.

“That’s lame,” she said at last.  “Anyone who does that is lame.”

“And a wanker.”

“We already figured that part out.”

She looked out the nearby window, thoughtfully nibbling on a wedge, and Enzo finally nudged her knee with his foot, drawing her gaze back.

“Have you ever considered telling him that he is worth it?”

She looked away, and shook her head slowly.

“Well, maybe you should. I won’t help you with Stefan.  We both agree that he’s the biggest wanker, but I’ll help you with this other bloke.  Consider it a road trip.”

“Are you trying to get me laid, Enzo?”

“Of course, Gorgeous. That’s my job,” he gave her a careless grin that made her laugh again, before giving her knee another nudge.  “Or maybe I’d like to get you out of this hellhole of a town.”

“That would be nice.” Caroline closed her eyes, and laid her head on her arm.  “That would be nice.”

“Just say when.”

She didn’t respond to that. She didn’t acknowledge their conversation in the days that followed as Enzo followed her about, helping her to finish settling her mother’s estate.

She didn’t say anything as the rest of them made plans that, to Enzo, seemed entirely too insane.

She didn’t say anything until he took her out to the graveyard, with some daisies that made him think of Caroline, so he thought Liz would appreciate them.  He hadn’t known the woman, but he figured she must have loved her daughter, even if there had been that awkward attempted murder.

As he put the daisies down, Caroline knelt next to him, tracing her mother’s name on the stone.

“When.”

Send me a ship + a song

[isnt-it-loverly]

little birdie (5)// five hargreeves

Warnings: very tiny trigger warning for self harm

Summary: When Five lands in the Sparrow Academy, he must convince one of them to help him reset the timeline. 

Word count: 1650ish

Author note: finally done with exams and back to writing! it felt good to write something I wanted to, instead of essays for school. 

part one, part two, part three, part four

Remember when you said The Umbrellas were not that bad, well most of them weren’t. But they were hesitant to welcome you with open arms. Luther stared at you intently, fire and rage seeping from his demeanor. You tried your best to sink into the burlap couch, the fibers itching away at your skin. You had delivered their brother safely, mostly unharmed but at least he was alive.

“Does anyone else think that this is- I don’t know, dangerous? That thing is a killing machine, she could be raiding our minds,” Luther snarled.

“I have to agree with King-Kong, she could be satelliting our location to Dad as we speak,” Diego, you assumed, spoke. 

“That’s not entirely how it works,” you spoke up timidly.

“Oh yeah? Then how come you know everything about Five? Or how about how you tried to kill Klaus? I’m sure you’ve already told your little flock of drones all of our secrets,” Luther yelled. 

“First off,” you started, “I am number five. I’m not the ringmaster, I’m not the leader of the group, and I have the body of a teenager. So let’s assume I hold no power when it comes to my family. I am an object to them. If I was in league with them- believe me, pea brain, you’d be dead.” 

The room fell silent as you raised your voice, and Five gave you an encouraging smirk. He was going to enjoy you putting his egotistical brother in his place. But boy, did his family make your blood boil.

“And another thing, Mr. Age-of-enlightenment, don’t try to use my ability against me. Because I can bet that you will lose every single time. Brain beats brawn, tough guy,” you spat. 

You were in his face now, on your tippy-toes, but still making yourself eye level. You could do it if you wanted to. Take over his mind and make him do unspeakable things, but you decided against it. You needed them to trust you, but more importantly, you needed their help. You took a deep yet shaky breath and backed away from Luther slowly. The anger was suddenly gone and replaced with immense dread. You looked around at your surroundings, they were all staring at you harshly but with fear ever-present on their faces. You knew that all they saw was the beast who stole lives, who knew every secret and thought, the monster who could never be trusted. 

“This was a mistake,” you whispered, tears brimming your eyes. 

“(Y/n), wait,” Five called. You felt him reach out for you but it was too late, you were already out the door. 

You could hear him yelling at his siblings from outside the door. It was strange how much he cared, you’d known him a couple of days- and half of that was fighting with your families. You looked around cautiously, where were you gonna go. You made your way through the old and dusty hallway of the rundown apartment complex. It was a good hiding spot. The other side of town in a secluded and forgotten area, your siblings would never think to look down here. They thought the umbrellas were too egotistical to be smart. The stairwell, you thought, was the only way to rise from rock bottom. You must go up. You run up the stairs as fast as your feet could carry you, hearing the loud boom of your stomps echo off the concrete walls. 

You reached the rooftop in a matter of seconds. The chill of the April air lingered around you. You made your way to the edge, the streets were barren and quiet. There was no one to help you escape from this nightmare you had created. What a mess you had managed to create in less than a week. You peered over the edge trying to find any living being to take over so you could be rid of all these conflicting emotions. 

You were a member of the Sparrow Academy, and yet here you were fraternizing with the enemy. The Umbrellas would never see you as an equal, just as someone who stole their life. Then there was your family, how would you ever come back from this? 

“You really shouldn’t be leaning over the edge like that. You could fall and that would be quite unfortunate for the both of us,” Five’s unempathetic voice pulled you from your thoughts. 

Five carefully grabbed your forearm and pulled you away from the edge. Not that he thought that you’d intentionally hurt yourself, but he was not about to lose someone he cared about. Five thought for a moment, did he care about you? Or were you just an important asset to resetting the timeline? He didn’t have time to sort that out at the moment, he had more important matters to attend to. You looked up at him, the tears made your eyes shine more than they usually did. He didn’t know if it was your power drawing him in or if this was just a moment of weakness. He just couldn’t help himself. He wiped a tear that had managed to escape, though he could tell that you were trying your best to keep them in. 

“They’re a lot, I know, but they’ve been through hell and back. They’re scared. They’ve lost everything, and they see you as Number Five not as (Y/n). A replacement for us. You’re better and far more powerful than any of us,” He explained. 

You liked this version of him. This Five was gentle instead of hostile. You wiped your eyes and nodded, showing him that you understood. 

“I can’t believe I let my temper go, I just- it’s been a hard couple of days. I’ve never disobeyed an order, I’ve always done what my father told me, was always there when Number One needed me. Yet here I am, standing in the presence of my most dreaded enemy,” You explained. 

“I’ve told you, I didn’t ask you to help me,” He remarked coldly. There he was, there was that hardened exterior. There was a silence for a moment before you decided to continue.

“I’ve heard about you my entire life, the boy who could travel between space and time. I used to be afraid of you, how could I possibly compete with someone who could be anywhere they wanted. I used to have nightmares about the day when you and your family would come,” you finished. 

Five cleared his throat with an unreadable expression. You could look into his mind and see what he was thinking, but you did not want to destroy the foundation of trust you had built with him. He placed a comforting hand on your shoulder.

“Our father really has a special way of sculpting young minds. When we met him in the sixties, I should’ve been more careful...if I had known that’s why he was taking notes at that dinner- I would’ve watched what we said,” Five said solemnly. 

He blamed himself for all this, how could he not. Not only had he managed to ruin his entire family’s life, but he had managed to drag someone as good as you down with it. He thought for a moment about where you would be in his timeline. Maybe you had learned to control your powers, and you had grown into a young woman. Maybe you had a life, a job, a family, a house mortgage to pay. But yet his stupidity had cost you everything. Now you were just as broken as he was. 

“You’re not stupid,” you spoke up. 

Five gave you a quizzical look, and then it dawned on him. 

“You were in my head,” He responded in a monotone voice.

“I couldn’t help it, you blanked out. I had to make sure I didn’t say anything wrong. More importantly I had to make sure you were okay,” You said reaching for his hand. To your surprise, he didn’t pull away, and for that you were thankful. 

“Why do you care?” He asked sharply. It was meant to hurt you, but you’d faced worse than a moody old man. 

“Because you’re my friend. We are friends, right? I mean, I saved your life...twice. You held me while I bled everywhere,” You said with a small yet hopeful smile. 

Five cautiously looked at your hand holding his. He wouldn’t let anyone else do this, he really shouldn’t let you do it. Something about it felt right, your touch was comforting. It was like a breath of fresh air and if he concentrated really hard it almost brought a sense of normalcy. He could imagine that there was no danger and definitely no world in need of saving. It was you, he concluded, it had to be. Somehow you must have been drawing him in, making him feel this way. He hadn’t felt like this since he first saw Delores. This had to be one of your mind tricks, and yet he didn’t care. The feeling was worth having. 

“Yes, I suppose we are friends,” He confirmed. 

That brought a smile to your face. You both liked the sound of that. Five gave your hand a gentle squeeze and you felt your heart melt. Surely this was not the same Five Hargreeves your father had warned you about. You were sure that there was no way you could ever hate him, you just didn’t have it in you. 

“Come on,” Five spoke up, “We better get inside before my siblings think you murdered me.” 

“You know that I’m not always in your head, or anyone’s for that matter. And I’m not a cell phone tower, I can’t satellite your location,” you explained. 

Five gave you a small chuckle, “I know.” 

With that he lead you back into the warm and safe, yet slightly smelly, hallway. Having Five by your side made you feel safe and you knew with him there- you could face anything. 

[supremeuppityone]

This was created for the Klaroline Fall Bingo Event @klarolinefallbingo.

Prompt: “You are the treat, sweetheart.”

Please review here.

                         ________________________________________

           It wasn’t the worst heartbreak story Caroline had heard. But it definitely was the worst this season. The angry murder swans were an interesting plot twist though. She wiped down the bar, eyeing the clock before she announced, “Last call, everybody!”

           She turned to the adorable drunk resting his head on the wet rings the bottles and glasses had left behind. Klaus had spent the evening raking his fingers through his dirty blonde curls, double-fisting shots and Ward Eights when he wasn’t berating his ex-fiancé. “So, your ex, this...um...something that sounded like ‘tater tot’, walked down the aisle, stood at the altar with you in front of a church stuffed full of your friends and family, and announced that she’s been banging your brother for months and wants to marry him instead.”

           He squinted up at her, as though slowing piecing together her words. Letting out an unexpectedly boisterous guffaw, he said, “It was Tatia, actually. But tater tot is considerably more appropriate — often greasy, grows disappointingly cold, and an unpleasant aftertaste.” Fishing around in one pocket, he flashed her a devilish smirk that she would’ve found charming if it wasn’t for the bit of drool as he slurred his words, “Elijah’s welcome to her, but he’ll have to make it official without our grandmother’s ring.” He triumphantly slammed a beautiful antique ring on her bar, the neon lights making the diamonds and pearls twinkle.  

           Caroline let out a small gasp as she studied the delicate floral pattern the gemstones made. For some reason, she felt ridiculously pleased that Tatia didn’t get her grubby cheater’s hands on such a lovely piece of jewelry. “I know I shouldn’t ask, but morbid curiosity is winning right now. Did your other brother release the angry murder swans as a distraction just so you could steal back the ring?”

           “A happy accident, love. Kol thrives on chaos and he nipped out to the reception area to let them out of the paddock just to see what would happen. I took advantage of the riot that ensued once the swans started attacking the outlandish lace train of Tatia’s dress and swiped the ring.” His smile was more of a grimace, but at least he chuckled as he said, “I escaped before I saw the worst of it, but I’ve been told that by the time the swans were under control, Tatia was wearing shredded bits of overpriced lace and feathers, and both she and Elijah were smeared in droppings.”  

           Giggling, Caroline squeezed another half-lemon into the shaker, adding the grenadine and topping it off with orange juice before pouring it over what was left of the rye whisky in Klaus’ glass. She tossed in a few cherries and winked as she told him, “My treat.”

           He threw her what should’ve been a smoldering look, but instead his gray eyes seemed to cross slightly as he slurred, “You are the treat, sweetheart.”

           She rolled her eyes, not bothering to respond to his clumsy flirting. Despite the ridiculousness of the situation, she couldn’t help the way her pulse quickened. If he had this kind of effect on her now, what was he like sober? Nope, she sternly reminded herself; he’s on the gut-wrenching rebound to end all rebounds and you stopped doing one-night stands after Mr. Hair Gel seemed waaaay more into his brother and you snuck out the bathroom window once it got too squicky.

           She kept busy closing out a few more tabs, feeling the need to steamroll past the awkward silence as she cheerfully said, “So, you just hopped on a plane and decided to go on your honeymoon anyway. That’s a level of petty I can support. Mystic Shores is a tiny resort town, but you should find plenty to keep yourself busy. There’s the lighthouse, natural rock bridges, seabird sanctuary...” she trailed off when she saw how his eyes had glazed over. “Plus, lots of white sand beaches you can day drink on while watching the dolphins.”  

           “I knew I picked this place for a reason.” Klaus gulped down the rest of his drink, grimacing as he told her, “Remind me to teach you how to make a proper Ward Eight, love. It’s positively criminal the rubbish rye you’re peddling.”

           She grabbed his empty glass, putting it in the tub under the bar. Snorting, she replied, “Yeah, yeah, just add it to the rest of your complaints about my drinks. Not that it stopped you from slamming them back as fast as I poured them.”

           Klaus smirked, rising unsteadily to his feet. “A bartender should understand proper citrus techniques. Zesting citrus in advance may save time, but it dries out the fragrance and flavor you’d otherwise infuse into your drinks.”

           Normally, having her bartending skills drunkenly criticized would have Caroline covertly charging an ‘asshat tax’ when she closed out the tab, but there was something about Klaus that made her more amused than angry. She’d stealthily admired his cheekbones most of the evening, and when he occasionally stretched, the muscle definition was undeniable. He wore his classic good looks with casual indifference, but a curious melancholy hung over him despite his snarky wit. There was more than just heartbreak below his surface, and she was curious to know more. Nope. Don’t get involved. It’s not your job to fix broken people.

           As he continued to hopelessly fumble with his wallet, she gently pressed her palm to his forearm and said, “Don’t worry about it. It’s on the house.”

           It was the first genuine smile he’d given all night, and he lurched forward, placing a sweet kiss to her knuckles. “You radiate light and beauty. I should’ve known you were are an angel, Caroline.” He stumbled out of the bar before she could speak, cheeks flushed at the way his accented voice lovingly caressed her name.

           Caroline busied herself closing up the bar, barely resisting the urge to glance out the front to see if Klaus had managed to operate his ride app correctly. Not your problem. She waved off a few of the locals who invited her to the dunes to watch the sea turtle nests. They’d be hatching soon, but a bubble bath and some bad reality TV sounded much more appealing at the moment.

           Lost in her thoughts, she nearly stumbled over Klaus as she took the trash to the dumpster. With a gasp, she knelt beside him, realizing he was snoring loudly and his pockets were turned inside out.

           Damn it, Enzo.  

           “Come on, Klaus, wake up,” she hissed, lightly smacking his cheek.

           With a groan of protest, Klaus managed to sit up against the dirty brick wall, mumbling, “Bloody wanker came at me, but I gave him a right show with this,” he cursed, triumphantly waving around a fist.

           She helped him up, muttering under her breath, “Nice work. Although it looks like he still snagged your wallet and ring.” At his crestfallen expression, she hurriedly reassured him, “But don’t worry! I’ll give Enzo a call and we’ll fix it, I promise.”

                        ________________________________________

           When she heard the loud thump followed by an impressive string of cursing, Caroline knew Klaus finally was awake. It was the first time she’d let a drunk stay on her couch who wasn’t a local, but he was far too out of it to be a threat last night. Plus, her bartending over the years had given her an almost infallible bullshit meter. Klaus wasn’t dangerous. Just dangerously sexy. She rolled her eyes at that thought.

           She’d given Enzo an earful last night for not keeping a closer watch on his crew. When he dropped off Klaus’ stuff, he gave Caroline a saucy little wink and teased, “My apologies, gorgeous. I didn’t know my mates rolled your tourist fluff.”

           “Seriously?! It’s not like that — he’s just going through a rough time with his fiancé leaving him at the altar for his brother, and he doesn’t deserve getting his stuff stolen.”

           Enzo whistled, a rare look of sympathy flashing in his dark eyes. “Bollocks. No wonder he went after Jeremy like a man possessed. Gave him one hell of a shiner too — it’s my new wallpaper on my phone.”  

           Klaus stumbled into her kitchen, looking just as adorably rumpled as he did last night. Curse her weakness for complete disasters. He squinted at the sunlight pouring in from her open windows, and winced at the cheerful whirring and hissing of her espresso machine. “Caroline?”

           She blushed to the roots of her hair, ridiculously pleased that he remembered her name. “Good morning, Klaus.” She slid the cup and saucer toward him. “It’s a double shot — I figured you could use it.”

           He blinked, taking a sip as he said gratefully, “Thank you, sweetheart.”

           “You’re welcome. Um, so you probably don’t remember much from last night, but after I found you passed out in the alley, you kept muttering you were staying at a bed and breakfast. Which isn’t helpful when there’s one on almost every corner in this town. So, I let you crash here instead.”

           Klaus gave her a small smile, rubbing his forehead as he muttered, “It’s a sad commentary on my life that I’ve been in the presence of friends and family this past week and the most kindness I’ve been shown has been from a stranger.”

           “We’re not strangers,” Caroline protested with a gentle smile. “We’re just friends who haven’t finished bonding.” As she refilled his cup, she winked, “And when it’s my turn, I’m counting on you to have a very generous pour when I get left at the altar.”

           He suddenly froze, rapidly patting at his pockets, and she quickly said, “Hey, no, it’s okay! I got your stuff back.” She reached into the drawer between them, pulling out his wallet and carefully setting his grandmother’s ring on top of it. “See? I told you I’d fix it.”

           Letting out a sigh of relief, he pocketed his belongings, telling her, “You’re amazing, love. An angel, just as I suspected.” His gaze suddenly turned shrewd as he studied her, “You know the thief.”

           “Yes. I have a friend who runs a crew that robs tourists that look like they can afford it.” At his frown, Caroline felt the absurd need to make Klaus understand. “Work here is seasonal at best for a lot of us, and Enzo kind of redistributes wealth when he can.” She held her breath, waiting for his judgement. He had swans at his almost-wedding, for fuck’s sake. His type was definitely Enzo’s favorite target.

           Klaus let out an unexpected chuckle, telling her, “We should hope your friend never meets Kol. When we were in school, he set up an underground sports betting pool with the faculty and most of the staff.” Shaking his curly head in bemusement, he added, “Kol had teachers giving him passing grades just to pay off their gambling debts.”

           She burst out laughing, wiping away tears as she imagined the crazy shenanigans Enzo and Kol would get into. That’s not going to happen. Klaus is on vacation, remember? His ruined honeymoon. Her smile was overly bright as she started pulling containers from the refrigerator, explaining, “My friend Matt runs the cafe down the road. I wasn’t sure what your go-to hangover food was, so I got you mine — butter biscuits and spicy sausage gravy, vanilla custard French toast, and orange juice.”

           “You’ve spoiled me, sweetheart. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to repay all the kindness you’ve shown me.”

           She did her best not to blush at the intensity of his gaze as he helped her set the table. They ate in companionable silence, listening to the small town slowly come to life on the street below. She waited until Old Man Gilbert’s noisy pontoon boat left the docks for the morning dolphin tour, and once the street was back to a manageable hum, she tentatively said, “Listen, I don’t know what you’re planning to do when you get back home, or if you’ve even allowed yourself to think that far ahead, but I wanted to offer you some advice.”

           When he raised an intrigued eyebrow, but didn’t comment, she blurted out, “Go crazy. This is one of those moments where you can change whatever boring, expected path you’d planned out. Invite a little chaos into your life — do something wild and unexpected.”

           The sudden press of Klaus’ lips to hers was just as thrilling as she’d imagined. He had her up against the cabinets with a resounding thud that seemed to fuel their frenzied kisses. The feel of his stubble against her neck was spicy-sweet pain that made her groan. Emboldened by her reaction, he dipped his head lower, running his tongue along her collarbone as he palmed her breast.

           Caroline reached between them, rubbing the outline of his erection with a satisfied hum. It had been far too long since someone made her skin sing. He wanted her. And yesterday he wanted someone else. That thought alone jerked her out of their pleasurable haze. Placing a palm on his chest, she gently pushed him back, her words a bit jumbled as she panted, “That was...I mean...but we shouldn’t...”

           Klaus’ cheeks were flushed as he smirked, “You advised me to do something wild and unexpected, sweetheart.”

           She snorted, “Seriously? That was totally expected.” Her tone grew serious as she told him, “Klaus, you’re going through something huge right now and I’m not looking to be someone’s detour on the way back to their life.”

           “You aren’t a detour — you’re a destination,” he replied. “But you’re probably right — I’ve had a bloody awful time of it. I need to get myself sorted.”

           The determination on his face gave her hope; Klaus would be ok.

                        ________________________________________

           Four months later, Caroline was loading up the pushcart with kegs for that evening’s tasting room event when Enzo strolled into the supply room, wearing his serious brows. She hadn’t seen those since she’d dropped Klaus off at the airport and then sulked on Enzo’s couch for days. He’d argued that she was being stubborn and should go track Klaus down. But she didn’t want to get in the middle of his left-at-the-altar-for-his-brother drama. She refused to be someone’s second choice.

           “For fuck’s sake, what is it,” she asked in exasperation, wiping the sweat at her temples with the bottom of her old t-shirt.

           Frowning, he jerked his head toward the street, telling her, “Looks like some competition has moved in, gorgeous.” At her skeptical expression, he pulled her outside, pointing to a sign that proclaimed ‘A Little Chaos’ was opening soon. It looked like a bar. Right across the street from her bar. Frowning, she quickly made her way over, blinking in disbelief as she came face-to-face with a familiar devilish smirk.

           “Caroline! I was just on my way to see you,” Klaus greeted her, that knowing smile making her blush despite her anger.

           “You’re opening a bar. Across from my bar,” she said flatly, eyeing the exquisite, hand-lettered gold leaf sign that probably cost more than her rent. “A hipster bar,” she added, wrinkling her nose.

           He chuckled as he lightly corrected her, “A speakeasy. I’ll be able to show this town how to make a proper Ward Eight.” With an impish wink, he reminded her, “Someone told me to invite a little chaos into my life. I decided to take her advice.”  

[faithfulcat111]

Okay, this bit is going to appear to start in a really weird place, but that is because I wrote this entire AU stream of consciousness style in my notes and just broke it into sections to post here cause it was like thirty pages. So part two!

Vanya wastes no time driving to Diego's. She can't get Five out of the car by herself, so she goes into the gym and manages to find Al who looks like he could be in charge and asks if he know where Diego is. Al is immediately defensive, wondering if this is some weird ex. Not Diego's usual type, but hey who is he to judge. When Al asks why she is looking for Diego, Vanya explains that she is his sister and she has their missing brother and needs Diego's help. Sister instantly set off red flags because as far as Al knew, Diego was pissed and fighting with both of them. Al wasn't even sure how many brothers Diego had, having only seen one around (the only sibling around actually), and only heard of the others as a group in passing. But a missing one? No wonder the kid is messed up. He agrees to help Vanya get Five into Diego's room as Diego is out right now and holy shit, that is a legit kid. Too old to be a kid of Diego's, but he almost looks too young to be their sibling. And Vanya is grabbing a couple duffle bags and abandons the keys. Something weird is going on. Al gets the kid inside for Vanya, but decides he is staying out of this mess.

Vanya waits inside. Five isn't waking and Diego takes a few hours to get back from his vigilante stuff. Al manages to catch him and says his brother and sister are waiting inside so don't throw those damn knives at them. Diego is confused, but Al keeps going, saying that his sister showed up with a kid claiming it was their missing brother and the kid looked horrible and, Diego runs into the room and stops short when he sees Five of all people sleeping on his bed with Vanya reading beside him. He is understandably not happy about Vanya just showing up and wants answers about why she and Five of all people are here. Vanya tries to explain the best she can with her limitied knowledge: Five showed up at some point, Dad was keeping him at the house cause he is sick or something due to time travel, Luther tried to contact the siblings, but could only get ahold of Vanya, Luther got Five out of the house before taking off to some important mission to the moon. Luther never saw Five awake and neither has Vanya yet. Diego needs a moment before he asks why Luther even bothered getting Five out. Vanya says that all he told her was Mom mentioned it, that Five needed family. Diego still feels like there are so many missing pieces, but you know what, he'll take what he has and since Mom wanted Five to get out like everyone else, then he is staying out.

Five chooses this moment to come back to consciousness. The two just hear a slight whimper behind them at first and turn to see Five sleepily blinking his eyes open. They stare at him for a long moment before he just screeches. Vanya practically jumps on the bed grabbing Five and holding him which promptly shuts him up. He looks absolutely bewildered. Diego steps forward, cautiously asking if Five knew who they were and where he was at. Five reaches up one hand to touch Vanya's arm and just whispers in a far too raspy voice, "Ghosts can't touch me." And then passes right back out.

Okay, their brother has obviously been through some things and is traumatized af. Diego helps Vanya navigate their brother out of the coat, startling when something falls out of one of the pockets. It's Vanya's book. Clearly it is Five's copy as a quick flip through the pages shows a bunch of equations scribbled through the margins. What stops Diego though is that this is a library copy. And the last date it was turned in was in 2019. Nearly four years from now. Vanya sees Diego holding the book and starts to say something, but is cut off by him just saying that Five definitely time traveled before showing her the stamps showing when the book was last checked in. He then says that Veggie will be looking for them, or at least Five, and they need to go. So he stuffs some things into his own duffle bag, hands all the bags to Vanya, scoops up Five, and leads the way.

This is where I stopped writing for two months because I was working on another AU and had finals and holidays, but I think I remember where I was going with this, so here we go.

Diego, Vanya, and Five take off with only a call to Eudora from Diego (who they are newly broken-up, so it takes awhile, but Diego finally just tells her he has to leave for awhile and if she can keep an eye out for Klaus, he would appreciate it) and Diego telling Al to just box his stuff up or sell it. They leave in Diego's car, although they trade it out at a sketchy car lot the next town over. Why did they take off like this? Diego knows what the evil there father figure is and Vanya quickly figured out they would have to leave to avoid him taking back Five, which is her focus. It doesn't take long for Diego to deduce that is her intentions and for his big brother instincts to take over and decide to run with them and take care of the two.

Through the initial 24 hours after they take off, Five is mostly asleep. They bring him back to consciousness a couple of times to drink something or eat something soft, but he appears to also have some kind of fever.

They end up in a mediumish-sized town in the midwest just big enough that they can disappear into. They pull the siblings trying to get away from abusive situation card with a nice old lady who manages an apartment building and lets them stay and even hires Diego as part of her maintenence crew for the buildings she runs till he can find a proper job. The old lady seems to be under the impression that Five is one of their kids, not little brother, but they can't figure out whose kid she thinks he is, because she clearly knows that Diego and Vanya are siblings and it is a whole thing. They also give fake names when signing their lease, but I'll figure those out later.

Five finally wakes up more coherent then he has been a couple days later under Vanya's careful care. He seems very confused about where he is, understandably, but especially by Diego and Vanya being there. He appears to vaguely remember being locked up by the trauma-meister, but seems hesitant to explain what happened before that. Vanya explains that Luther got him out before taking off on some important mission to the moon on Grace's prodding and Vanya and Diego took off with him as they didn't want Veggie taking him back to his torture chamber.

After a little bit of prodding, they finally get out of Five that he traveled to the end of the world, set to happen in 2019 and they need to stop it and that he was trapped there for two years. Diego and Vanya are doubtful, but they agree to help under the condition that they do it under the radar considering they need to stay hidden from Vegetable until at least 2018 when Five will be, biologically 18.

And that is the premise. There is no permanent orchestra in the town they moved to, but Vanya lands a job teaching music theory and such at the community college and giving private lessons to local kids on the side. After a month of working for Ms. Roberts (I've decided that is their landlord's name), Diego gets a much better job, working first in janitorial at the local gym and a temp trainer, before being hired on permanently. Five is a bit more trouble. People seem to freak him out in large quantities, but he is also a kid, even though he is a very smart kid. And with Ms. Roberts knowing he is a minor, they really don't want the CPS breathing down their necks and taking their technically kidnapped, but very traumatized brother away. So, Vanya finds a local homeschool coalition. It requires that Five shows up for an in-person class once a week, but he can do the rest of his classes online and that gives him plenty of time to work on the end of the world stuff. He picks the music theory class that Vanya volunteers to teach to give Five free tuition.

And the three slowly build a life in this town. Diego and Vanya seem to have silently agreed to just pretend the Book never happened so they can take care of Five. Five clearly has nightmares and freaks out at both people and being without his siblings, so he goes with them everywhere (he ends up auditing all the classes Vanya teaches at the university when he enrolls at 17 to start on a math degree, mainly because he already sat through the classes a couple of times at this point).

They don't contact Vanya's orchestra, they were miffed when she called to say she wasn't showing up anymore the day she got Five. Diego calls Eudora after about six months to check in. She picked up Diego's only box of stuff from Al that he left behind and is holding it for him and agrees since Vanya's year lease is almost up to clear out Vanya's old apartment soon. (She is just being really great, but they aren't telling her the brother they are watching is a kidnapped minor for a reason). She also tells them that she had to put Klaus back in rehap a month ago and he had seemed really confused by her doing it instead of Diego like usual. Diego won't tell her where he is though. She does agree to look into the eye Five finally admitted he has from the apocalypse and will gather all info she can find for when Diego calls back. (When he does a few months later, she tells them the eye doesn't exist, the company it is from hasn't even started making prosthetic eyes yet).

And then, Vanya's pills. Well, she realizes she is running low and since they are laying low, she can't exactly call her old therapist or psychiatrist and get a refill. So, she goes to a new one who flips at the level she is taking (how is that allowed!!!) and starts a plan to wean her off those and onto a new set of anxiety meds that would be better for her. Vanya starts to feel happier and better overall. There is complaining about the bad lightbulbs Diego always buys because one seems to shatter every two months and she always seems to know what either boys are muttering even across the room, but none of them really notice Vanya's powers. Maybe because Five seems genuinely terrified of his own at the moment and they all know they can't draw attention to themselves as former members of the Umbrella Academy, but powers are the furthest thing from everyone's minds. Diego even goes to a sort of seedy tattoo artist and gets his covered up, playing up the umbrella as a stupid drunk mistake he wants to forget and Five takes to wearing long sleeves and bracelets so people can't see his. Five also goes and sees this therapist and gets classic GAD and PTSD and goes on anxiety meds too eventually. Vanya just has SAD and over the time they are in this town, she eventually gets weaned down to an as needed pill, which she only is to take for an attack which ends up being once every couple weeks or so. Five is on daily meds. Dunno yet if this will be relevant, but to give you an idea of the starting point I have for each of them. Five also has asthma from all the ash.

[ancientstone]

TUA KUROSHITSUJI AU WAS SOMETHING I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED!! YOUR BRAIN!! WHERE DO YOU GET SUCH GREAT IDEAS!? Seriously tho, I love the premise of the AU! Sebastian and Five interacting would be amazing. Although they treat each other rather amicably, both are just a means to an end for each other! It’s such an interesting dynamic to explore! Did the stuff with Ciel actually happen? I know he’s not the focus but there could be similarities between him and Five that Sebastian notices. Are the grim reapers in this too? Also, the other sibs reacting to Sebastian! Would people who’s souls Sebastian took leave ghosts? Klaus would really be in for it.... What about rumors? Would they work on him? Also the commission with five and Sebastian! Five is deadly on his own but with Sebastian? No one is safe. Would the handler try to leverage and manipulate Sebastian? That probably would not go too well. I can just see them trying to one up each other. sorry for this long rambly ask! I’m just so in love with this idea!!

I’m glad I’m not alone in liking this idea, lol! 😂 Thank you!! Please ramble away, this is fun! ❤

I got the idea because I was listening to this while working today, and then a voice crept into my head and as like “What if we shoved this with tua??”

Hmmm I can’t decide whether the stuff with Ciel did happen or not. 

On the one hand, Sebastian is secretly beside himself at how much his once 58-year-old master (because they met in the apocalypse) now turned 13 reminds him of his little lord way back when. Not to mention those who were once household servants are now replaced with a whole host of superpowered siblings, a robot, and a chimp! That’d be so entertaining for him!! Also this would totally happen:

Five: So, what do I call you, demon?

Sebby, already making comparisons between this wild apocalypse man and Ciel: Sebastian. Sebastian is my name. Totally. Yep, always has been. Don’t question this. I’m not laughing, you’re laughing.

Also can you imagine him slipping up and stating, “I’m simply one hell of a butler.” only for Five to frown at him and go, “What? Butler? What’re you on about?”

On the other, I can’t tell if all the stuff with Ciel would...Ruin the flavour of the premise a bit?? Like, Sebastian’s already done this before, and he enjoyed being Ciel’s butler because it was new and different than just wildly eating souls. Would he be up for it a second time around? Would he care as much? hmmm.

The grim reapers are definitely in this!! They probably go to great lengths to try and stop Five and Sebastian from killing anyone they’re not supposed to during apocalypse week! (Also I just answered another ask with more info on the reapers!)

OOOOOH GHOSTS!!

Maybe Klaus can’t exactly see ghosts, but whenever Sebastian is in the room he can pick up on this weird....dark energy all around him?? And then Sebastian turns and smiles at him and Klaus’ brain just goes NOPE and he’s outta there asap!

Meanwhile Ben is having a hell of a time trying to figure out if Sebastian can see him or not because sometimes he?? seems to be looking right at him?? But then Ben tries to talk to him and gets completely ignored.

I doubt rumours would work on him. Allison would probably get halfway through before he cut her off with a strained, “That’s lovely, but let’s leave that for now.” and she’d be too shocked to attempt much else.

omg Five and Sebastian working at the Commission and trying to one up each other on jobs is hilarious!! They’re both deadly and happy to do whatever it takes, but there is probably this extra level of sass between them.

“Nicely done, sir.”

“Shut up.”

“No, I am being completely truthful. The way you chased him for three streets-”

“Sebastian, I swear to God.”

“Only to then slip when you had the chance. Deary me, that was elegant.”

“You’re a fucking nightmare.”

Though if you want to go the angsty route (when do I not?), Sebastian needs instructing from Five to start snapping necks, so whenever Five watches him go to town on innocent people the Commission just happened not to like it only adds to his building guilt and self-disgust.

But the Handler trying to use Five as a leverage? No, it wouldn’t go well. You think Sebby’s just going to sit there and let you threaten his meal? Nope, not happening.

Even if his meal is determined to run himself into the stupid ground and not take care of himself either

[charliejrogers]

Klaus (2019) Review & Analysis

I remember recently discussing with my fiancée how, though there have undoubtedly been a number of Christmas movies released in the last twenty years, none have really risen to the level of a “classic” – something you would want to watch every year as part of a tradition. It’s true I have not seen it, but still something tells me that 2008’s Reese Witherspoon vehicle Four Christmases is not on anyone’s annual watchlist… nor 2017’s Mel Gibson-infested Daddy’s Home 2. We concluded that the last “classic” was 2003’s Elf. And, while Christmas movies don’t have to mention Jesus or religion obviously, please don’t try to tell me that Frozen is a Christmas movie… it’s not! In some ways, given how secular things are, I began to wonder if there even was a market for holiday family fun movies, but of course, I’m an idiot because you can just make a whole movie about Santa Claus. Move over, Jesus, we gotta talk about the reason for the season!

Klaus released last holiday season on Netflix and at least in Chicago I saw billboards for it everywhere. Netflix went all in on promoting this as the next big Christmas movie and had some moderate success; they even grabbed an Oscar nom for best animated picture. Unlike most animated films these days, Klaus was made by neither DreamWorks nor Disney, and it shows. It lacks the refined polish of a Disney/Pixar feature, but also has a heart unlike a DreamWorks picture. The animation style can be best described as a hybrid of 2D and 3D (yet not quite 2.5D). At times the character models look like classic hand-drawn 2D models set within a mostly computer-generated 3D environment. But at other times, they look more 3D. It’s confusing to describe, and inconsistent to watch. It often felt like I was watching a compromise between a studio that wanted a distinct animation style but didn’t have the budget to fully realize it. Still, more often the not it’s a pretty movie.

More than the raw visuals, the movie has a fantastic sense of atmosphere… perhaps even too much at the beginning. Klaus is, in one sense, the story about how a lonely woodsman becomes the legendary Santa Claus, but for such a jolly premise, much of the film is shrouded in shadows and dominated by an oppressive, cold, snowy bleakness. In retrospect, this makes sense as the true triumph of Santa and “Christmas spirit” can only be best appreciated when it brings light to the darkest of places and times. Still, upon first viewing, I was quite surprised and shocked by the dark atmosphere and downright violent imagery on display at the beginning of the film, so much so that I was wondering if this really was a Christmas movie!

The darkness stems from the fact that our woodsman Klaus lives deep within the forest on a far north island, far far from the closest village which is a town called Smeerensberg and is famous for its never ending feuding and wickedness. It’s a genuine Nineveh of the North so it seems. The town’s feud centers around two rivalling clans (the film’s equivalent of the Hatfields & McCoys) and every villager belongs to one clan or the other. The two families’ feuds go back longer than anyone can remember (cave paintings exist that depict their feud), implying an original sin of sorts with the town being more born from hatred than spawning it. Hatred is so foundational that it infects every part of society. Unwilling to allow children to interact with the rival clans in classrooms, children just don’t go to school. Instead, they roam the streets playing pranks on old people and stabbing snowmen with carrots.

For the most part, Klaus lives his life separate from and unbothered by these unruly residents of Smeerensberg. What breaks his solitude is the arrival of a new post officer to Smeerensberg. More than a trivial side character, this post officer, Jesper Johansson, is surprisingly the main character of this movie all about the origins of Santa Claus.

Much like the residents of Smeerensberg, we the audience come to the film with a primary misunderstanding, much of what makes Santa famous today (the home invasion via chimney, the responding to letters, the reindeer-pulled sleigh) were the creative inventions of a spoiler-brat-turned-postman. So despite this movie being about the origins of Santa Claus, being a Christmas movie, you should have guessed that this will be some variant on Dickens’ classic tale. Jesper isn’t a classic Scrooge in that he doesn’t abhor Christmas, but he is self-absorbed, materialistic, and all-around not a great guy. He’s the spoiled son of a successful postal worker who controls a postal empire that looks more like an army. (The true fantasy of this movie has nothing do with sleigh bells and stocking stuffers… it’s the idea that the post office is a well-organized, well-respected, successful enterprise.) Anyways, recognizing his own son’s worthlessness, Jesper’s father decides to whip him into shape, ship him off to the God-forsaken land of Smeerensberg with an ultimatum: Jesper must process 6,000 letters from the town of Smeerensberg in a year or else be cut off from his father’s wealth. The problem? With how ugly the feud is in Smeerensberg, no one needs to write a letter to express their feelings when a cold snowball to the face (or worse) will get the point across quite clearly.

So now with the spoiled postal heir longing for silk sheets as he tries to survive out in the cold boonies, the movie gets a hint of the Emperor’s New Groove flavor… sans llama. It is only by sheer “chance” (we’ll get to that) that when Jesper visits the woodsman in a last ditch effort to find one person on the island who wants to send a letter, a piece of paper falls out of Jesper’s bag as he flees in horror of the woodsman (we’ll get to that).  This piece of paper contains a drawing that a little boy made of himself locked in a high tower looking sad. In a very humorous scene, we had seen Jesper accidentally stumble across this drawing and then unsuccessfully try to scam the boy into giving him money so that Jesper could “mail” it back to him, rather than just give it back. Regardless, recognizing the little boy’s suffering, the woodsman decides to do something about it and enlists Jesper’s help. Luckily for the children of Smeerensberg, the woodsman has a barn full of toys. Yes, “a barn full of toys” is as creepy as that sounds and the films uses that creepiness to full effect when Jesper first meets the woodsman. The large, imposing, hooded, axe-bearing woodsman is far from the jolly fellow we know he is destined to become. He’s downright scary and given how violent the town of Smeerensberg is (Jesper almost dies when he first arrives because he’s tricked into ringing the war bell which sends the whole town into violent frenzy), we and Jesper are not wrong to assume the woodsman holds only ill-intentions. Essentially, the first meeting with the woodsman is supposed to be something akin to the reveal of the Beast in 1991’s Beauty & the Beast, a film so scary it sent my then two-year-old sister running out of theater in tears. Ultimately, I can’t speak for the mind of a child, but the tension for me here is certainly lessened by the fact that… well… we know the woodsman is Santa Claus. So even though Jesper is scared shitless and flees after meeting the woodsman, we know that there will be more to their story.

Still, even if not necessarily scary, the film does successfully shroud the woodsman in mystery, and his backstory is slowly and beautifully revealed throughout the film. I won’t spoil it here, but the script does a fantastic job of contextualizing the woodman’s stoic and aloof nature and explaining why that barn is so full of toys. The explanations come naturally and speak to a real human pain that I was not expecting from this film. In terms of emotion, the woodsman’s backstory almost reaches the opening montage to Up. ALMOST, I said, so put down the pitchforks!

So Jesper and the woodsman team up to deliver a present to that first child from the drawing. Or more accurately, the woodsman throws Jesper down a chimney to deliver a present while the woodsman looks on. The ensuing scene when the boy opens his present brought tears to my eyes. The woodsman (and we with him) watching the pure joy of a child receiving a present is truly nostalgic in its most literal sense. It hurts to see such joy, remembering that at one time you too could feel such joy from a hunk of plastic, and knowing you will never feel that way again. It’s a joy that few films outside of A Christmas Story with its the red rider BB gun really nail. Anyways, the little boy sees the woodsman through the window and finds his original drawing of himself locked in the tower which the woodsman leaves behind by accident. He surmises that the postman had devliered his drawing to the woodsman, and the woodsman responded with a present.

After that… well the rumor spreads wildly of the mysterious woodsman who comes down chimneys at night to give presents to children in response to letters. Now, the once dormant post office becomes a bustling hub of activity as children from all over flock to send letters to this Mr. Klaus. Kids even beg to go to school so that they can learn to write in order to get presents (much to the dismay of the disilliusioned teacher who long ago gave up on her dreams of teaching in a town where no child goes to school and had turned to being a fishmonger in order to pay the bills and one day afford to leave the town for good).

Gradually the children, who seemingly had no toys prior to Klaus and Jesper’s escapades, now joyously play together, regardless of which clan they belong to. Initially this upsets their parents greatly, but in the end it’s hard to really hate the parents of your children’s friends. The film promotes an age-appropriate and inspiring, if fanciful and naïve, notion that all the world’s problems would be solved if we all thought like children. As by spreading joy throughout the town, Jesper and Klaus inadvertently make the town a better place to live. It’s the theme of the film (not that they’re subtle about it): one act of good-will always begets another (or something like that). Still, all this doesn’t please the village elders, who abhor the change from the town’s hateful origins. They will ultimately serve as villains trying to put an end to all this gift-giving business.

Of course, there’s another villain of sorts, as well. Despite all the good he’s doing, Jesper is ultimately still motivated mostly by the notion of getting back to his old cushioned life. He is essentially using Klaus and preying on his kindness in order to launch himself back to a life of selfishness. It’s here the story feels most Dickensian, particularly in a scene where the school teacher (now love interest) acts functionally the same to the ghost of Christmas present and takes Jesper to the city center to see for himself the love and joy that he has helped bring to the world. But, still his desires to go home are strong, and, of course, he keeps them a secret. So between Jesper’s inner conflict about where he belongs in life and the external conflict of the community trying to fight back against a change in its culture, the film naturally comes to climax when the two conflicts meet and Jesper must confront both challenges at once.

What I’ve realized in writing this review … is that I am very impressed by the plot’s complexity and depth. The film weaves together at least three solid story arcs (Jesper’s coming-of-age/Scrooge-like-change-of-heart, Smeerenberg’s bubbling kindness revolution, and the woodsman’s aged hero who finds redemption and purpose after so many years alone). That all three feel fully supported and without any bloat is a testament to its absolutely solid writing, and for a kid’s film no less! Furthermore, the “origin” story genre can sometimes fall flat as it can just feel like the writers are writing more Wikipedia entries, explaining how every little aspect came to be more than just telling a good story. I call it the Han Solo trap. As for Klaus, the little tidbits about why Klaus uses reindeer and not horses, who the “elves” who work his workshop are, always clever and grow organically from the plot.

Plus, despite my opening doubts regarding whether the dark tone really fit a “Christmas” movie, the film very capably captures the joys of the Christmas season. Like Christians think about Jesus, Klaus/Jesper bring a world of light into a world of darkness. The film teaches about the importance of creating a loving community, of being selfless, and most importantly of respecting the spiritual aspect of the season. Even if this is a decidedly capitalistic/entrepreneurial movie, the film is not without a spiritual side. The previously mentioned “chance” of the woodsman seeing that initial drawing of the boy locked in the tower is no chance at all. Instead, throughout the film we see that the woodsman is “haunted” in a sense by a ghostly wind that points him in the path of righteousness. The film has its own explanation for what the force behind the wind is, but it is not too far of a stretch to point out the similarities between the wind and the Christian idea of the guiding Holy Spirit. Now, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that the woodsman represents God the Father and Jesper God the Son, (or is Klaus more the Christ figure?) because I think this movie is decidedly not Christian, but more I just want to highlight that I enjoyed that the film allowed for the presence of spirituality, which moves this film from the realm of secular kindness to one that recognizes the power and presence of some spiritual goodness, aligning with how many think of the “Christmas spirit.”

Now, let’s be clear, this is a fun, family classic, but it’s not a perfect film. In fact, I downright disliked the first twenty to thirty minutes, for the aforementioned tonal reasons, but also because I really disliked Jason Schwartzmann’s voice acting in the lead role of Jesper. My dislike lessened with the introduction of the woodsman, but it never went away fully. I can’t help but think this movie would be better with a different actor voicing Jesper. Everyone else does an adequate job with the voice work. J.K. Simmons as Klaus takes on an almost Batman-like stoic gruffness, and Rashida Jones as the teacher and love interest is just fine. And, again, I never really fell in love with the art style and it sometimes distracted me, and I found the soundtrack, particularly the main song to be rather lame and too much “of its time” than the typically timeless, more Broadway productions that Disney/Pixar put out. Still, director Sergio Pablos has done something I did not think possible. He and his team created a *new* Christmas classic, one that I’m sure will be played on an annual basis in many households across the world.

***1/4 (Three and a fourth stars out of four)

[sevensistersofsussex]

I was looking through the thread, and the Mikaelson siblings are maximum levels of chaotic, and Elena deserves to get laid even though Klaus was gone. Besides, Rebekah was doing everything she could think of to make Elena stay with them, short of compelling her or just chaining her up in the house. Rebekah should’ve just tried to out-seduce Kol. It gets Elena involved with her, Kol, and possibly Elijah, thus ensuring Elena won’t leave or take the baby away; it irritates Finn, who is the oldest brother which means Rebekah and Kol’s job as younger siblings is to make him regret leaving the coffin; it allows them to have sex with someone who knows what they are and won’t be terrified to see fangs and red eyes during sex, as terrified screaming can ruin the mood; and it would drag their missing brother back, who didn’t realize Elena would just steal and bang his siblings while he was gone. Klaus expected her to be heartbroken, and she’s actually in bed with one of them. I like to think, in this AU of an AU, Klaus is now stuck dealing with Elena boinking his siblings regularly. There’s actual emotions involved with Rebekah and Elijah, but he’s to afraid to find out if there’s feelings with Kol too. (There is, but Kol and Elena like causing trouble together and they’re still upset with Klaus, and keeping Klaus guessing accomplishes that). Klaus deeply regrets letting Kol and Elena spend time together, and he is now getting gray hair (He’s an immortal hybrid. It shouldn’t be possible, but those two are causing him so much stress, they’re defying laws of nature)

My favorite takeaway from all of this is that a very pregnant Elena deserves to get laid because pregnant ladies need love and I'm here for that.

And the colossal job it must be for Rebekah and Kol to be so embarrassing that Finn, who has been in the coffin for 900 years, regrets being undaggered.

The absolute drama of Klaus coming home expecting one thing only for her to have become the scandal of this very small town. They notice the way she stands too close to Rebekah while they stand in line at the movies and the way their hands linger on each other. How Elijah always walks with his hand at her back through crowds during town events. There's even a rumor that she stays out all night with the youngest brother, Kol as they skinny dip in the river. It's all anyone can talk about and Finn has no where to go. It's either the rumors in town or the actual truth at home and Bonnie is so interested that she grills him about it anytime he comes over.

The grey hair is the huge emotional shock of expecting to come home and be the center of her attention once again only to find out that all of his siblings except Finn are pursuing Elena. Klaus has a new appreciation for Bonnie if only that he believes she's the only one stopping Finn from falling in love with Elena. He begins planning a way to abscond with Elena immediately, dedicating himself once again to running away from family. Only Rebekah knows all his tricks from her time running with him from Mikael. He's immediately at a disadvantage.

[lokomotives]

I've seen a few Klaus Aus where the big Santa man is a Krampus or North from Rise of the Guardians. But what I have yet to see fleshed out is an Au where Jesper is the supernatural one.

Think about it; we never see Jesper's mother. Also nordic folklore is full of elves/huldrefolk marrying humans.

So my Au is; Jesper's mother was a Huldra (or a similar fae creature), and was a native of Smeerensburg. His mother (I hc her name to be Ulla) and his father (Johannes) met when the young Postmaster was constructing the original post office in Smeerensburg.

The two fall madly in love, and despite the locals warning him; Johannes still wanted to marry her. Upon proposing; she reveals her tail, pointed ears, and hollow back to him. Johannes doesn't care.

The locals are not happy however; and chase the pair from the island, calling the marriage a bad omen. It's one of the few times the Krums and Ellingboes truced to keep the normal level of chaos. The post office falls into ruin with the Postmaster driven away, and the locals make it a rule to send any new messengers packing. Don't want to risk another postman shacking up with a huldrefolk.

Ulla and Johannes marry once they are on the mainland. Very few know of the missus' "condition" and most assume that she is not used to the warmer weather - what with her always wearing long dresses and bonnets.

Jesper and his dad are pretty in the dark about What Ulla was on account she was naturally very secretive and went out of her way to appear human.

Jesper is born very sickly (like most half-huldre) with obvious non-human traits. Ulla passes away when Jesper is very young, and he has little memory of her outside of the songs she would sing. Johannes becomes uber-protective of his son as a response to grief and to protect him from those who would hurt him for his fae qualities. This begins the Kuzco-level of spoilage that Jesper becomes in later life.

Jesper has a long tail like his mother - lazily hidden in his pants and under his shirts. His back has a disturbing indent - as if he has no spine at all. His ears are big but not exactly pointed. There are other things, yes. He is unnaturally nimble; able to fit through most openings like a cat, locked doors mean nothing to him. He has night eyes and it terrifies anyone when they see his dark blues reflect in the dark. His teeth are Too sharp and despite being born with a silver spoon in his mouth - the metal causes him pain.

The events of the film happen as normal; his father believes that sending Jesper to his mother's hometown may give him perspective on what he is or god-forbid learn why his parents were driven from the island. Jesper complains about the cold and the locals yes, but something in his gut Feels Right. When he steps into the thick wood for the first time; he feels at Home.

Jesper of course; doesn't understand why the people of Smeerensburg look so nervous when they see him befriending the strange hermit outside of town - at least for the wrong reason.

Little Margu is the first to notice. She runs up to him; babbling in Saami how she saw his tail and how pretty he is - like the Ulda in her peoples stories. Jesper of course doesn't understand her, and just pats her head.

Alva and Mogens are the second to notice; commenting to each other over drinks about how odd the spoiled postman is when they have the same flashbulb idea. Alva laughes it off of course; she is a teacher after all, its not her job to be spreading fairytales. Mogens on the otherhand finds a new fire to tease the postman with; wondering if the rumours about the fae being clever tricksters were all hoshwash.

Klaus' breath hitches when he sees the birds - Lydia's favorites - land on Jesper twittering. Klaus nearlly falls over in a faint when he hears Jesper twitter back in perfect mimicry.

Naturally: the Ellingboes and Krums have another thing to worry about.

I shall call it: the Huldreklaus Au!

[nobody-wants-ice-cream]

Everything Wrong With The Umbrella Academy. Episode 8, I Heard a Rumor.

This episode is particularly brutal. Warnings include child abuse, domestic abuse, suicide, rape, gore, and manipulation. Keep yourself safe.

We Only See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals

Run Boy Run

Extra Ordinary

Man on the Moon

Number Five

The Day That Wasn’t

The Day That Was

Disclaimer: This is all in good fun! I wanted to do a really nitpicky re-watch of the series and found some really cool and interesting things I didn’t notice before. This is meant to have a Cinema Sins-esque tone. However, I did take off a lot more sins than Cinema Sins would have because I do genuinely like the series and the people that made it possible. So all of the good things got one sin off and all the bad things got one sin added. This is a really long post, so grab some popcorn. If there’s anything that I missed, feel free to add it!

I would also like to add that normally you wouldn’t watch a show this way. I am purposefully looking for mistakes, easter eggs, and other things that we’re not supposed to notice. I am watching not with the goal of entertainment, but for analysis. So most of the things that I sin, I am seeing for the first time.

Also, no I can’t do better. I am in no way qualified to give this level of criticism about anything. I am not taking this seriously. At all. 

I Heard a Rumor

Stormy Weather by Etta James. I adore this song. When I first watched the show I was so happy when this song came on.-1

I am also taking a sin off for the Emmy Raver-Lampman version -1

It looks like Allison genuinely adores her daughter. And Claire’s bedroom? I would want to have that room now and I am at least ten years older than her. -1

Speaking of, how old is Claire? Sin until we have answers. +1

The animations for the story of The Umbrella Academy defeating the robbers at the museum. -2

“While your Uncle Klaus got a little distracted.” What did Klaus do on missions again? +1

Allison carefully censors the mission so she is still telling the truth but doesn’t actually say that Diego used knives or that Ben used the horror to (presumably, we don’t know how much control Ben had) kill four people. Good job. See Reggie, this is how you don’t traumatise your kid with violence. -1

“Their leader.” Looks suspiciously like a villain from the comics. -1

“I wanna hear the one about the Eiffel tower.” Me too, Claire. Especially since the magazine clips we see suggest Five was there this time. -1

Mind control. ON A CHILD. This is what bothers me the most about Allison as a character and I am glad that she is moving past it. However, in no universe can I let this go. Depending on how Allison used it, Claire’s emotional control could be fucked for life. +40

Patrick behaves like a rational human being and doesn’t blow up at Allison for this in front of their child. He also divorces her in order to keep said child safe. Good. -1

“I heard a rumor you love me.” Who did she say this to? It doesn’t matter who, it’s still disturbing, but oh dear God who did she say this to? I think this is the second most fucked up thing we hear Allison say after the rumoring Claire scene. +10

Allison is going 120 kmh, or 75 mph, in the rain. If you have ever driven a car in the rain then you know exactly why I am sinning this. For those who don’t know, google hydroplaning. Allison could have died here very, very easily. +3

Title screen on a billboard! I forgot how cool the episode 8 title screen was. -1

Allison doesn’t bring her proof with her when going to confront Vanya, who has been shown to be irrational when it comes to Leonard. +1

Bird jumpscare. +1

“They want me to come back tomorrow be fitted for a prosthetic eye”. Leonard places emphasis on the words “prosthetic eye” to remind the viewers that Leonard is bad news. Good acting choice. -1

Leonard’s clothes look freshly bloody when the blood should be several hours old and therefore a more rusty brown color than a bright red. I think. I don’t know if that’s how it works with such large amounts of blood. +1

Luther’s bed is now magically big enough to fit both him and the rave girl. +1

Luther’s reaction to the rave girl. Rewatch this scene to get such a laugh at Luther’s face. -1

How out of it was Luther vs the rave girl? Consent issues on both sides. +3

Luther treated the rave girl to some wine? Or cranberry juice? How thoughtful. -1

I really, really hope they were safe though. There is no evidence to imply they were safe. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about then you’re too young to be watching TUA). +1

Klaus is such a little shit. “Wakey wakey! Eggs and bakey!” while ringing the bell. Peak sibling culture is doing this sort of thing while knowing that the other sibling is NOT going to appreciate it. Also, Klaus deserves his revenge after last night. -1

The little wave the rave girl gives Klaus. -1

Go back and watch this scene. Holy shit this is so underrated. This is the funniest thing ever. -1

“He popped his cherry! Now you’re gonna have to marry her” -4

Klaus doesn’t remember his first time. Consent issues. +3

“No dilly-dallying, alright?” I love Klaus. -1

Klaus makes french press coffee for Luther and Ben. Klaus is a good brother. -1

I would kill to see Ben’s reaction to Luther and the rave girl. +1

Five snatches Luther’s coffee and not Ben’s, ya know, the guy who can’t drink the coffee. And is invisible. Five is a dick to Luther or Five wanted to be a little shit to Luther after having to hear him and the rave girl. Either way, +1

He steals the coffee and he complains about it. +1

Ben! -1

“This is a bad idea” no shit. +1

The awkward pauses where Ben is presumably speaking don’t make sense here. +1

The camera trickery used to make Luther look like a giant compared to Five. -1

Five knows where the aspirin is “top shelf next to the crackers” because he was also hungover. I think. I can’t remember if FIve stopped back at the house, but presumably he and Luther had to go there to get the car. -1

Luther still isn’t getting up to get the aspirin even though he can listen just fine while getting it. +1

Ben adding to the dramatic tension of the scene in a uniquely humorous way that only this show can pull off. -2

Luther doesn’t believe Klaus about Reggie’s suicide. What reason would Klaus have to lie about this, Luther? +1

Five believes him right away. -1

Convenient Pogo backing up Klaus is convenient. +1

This has nothing to do with this very dramatic and important scene, but the mismatched chairs, while cute, don’t appear in any other scene. +1

Five calls Reggie a “sick bastard” under his breath. That’s one way to describe him. -1

Pogo kept this secret for a long time. Not telling the kids was a strange choice and I’m not sure why Pogo made it. On one hand, he would be respecting the wishes of his creator and friend but on the other he would be helping these people come to terms with their father’s death. Pogo’s character motivations are strange and I don’t understand them. +1

Luther said it best, “there’s always choice.” +1

Random thought I had, where was Harold’s grandmother when he was being abused and then going to jail because he killed his abuser? +1

Leonard says some nice things in this scene. If we didn’t know how manipulative he was I would give him credit for this line. +1

Agnes looks adorable out of the Griddy’s uniform. Costume/hair people, you did good. -1

Agnes keeps saying things like “we aren’t in a rush” and talking about seeing three years worth of stops to remind us that there is no time. Hazel looks heartbroken by it. -1

Allison abandons her vehicle. Do not take driving advice from The Umbrella Academy, ever! +1

Allison sees a random scarf from several cars away and immediately connects it with Vanya. Does she also have super sight? +1

The first time we see Allison get recognized by a random stranger for her acting is eight episodes in. +1

Cheddar (the cop Allison is talking to) is so enamored by Allison that he stops doing his job correctly. +1

“Jackpine cove” who named these towns? +1

Allison and Five have the same little shrug when they finish telling terrible lies. -1

Allison is a terrible liar. +1

Diego is still in jail. They’re talking about transferring him upstate. This is really bad news. +1

“Did she use that word? Contentious?” The definitions of contentious all say the word argument. Beeman says that Diego and Patch had an argumentative relationship. This matters to Diego. Why? +1

This conversation was written by someone who doesn’t understand the connotation of the word contentious. +1

Beeman encourages Diego to escape and go on the run. Are all the cops incompitent on this show? You have Patch, who hasn’t pinned Diego for obstruction of justice despite the show implying that Diego has touched evidence he wasn’t supposed to many times, Cheddar, who is so distracted by Allison freakin’ Hargreeves that he forgets that taking her along to a murder case is unethical at best, and Beeman who straight up encourages Diego to escape from jail. That last one is definitely illegal. +10

The parallel between Five and Leonard reading something they aren’t supposed to have in the bathroom. Both the apocalypse file and the journal are red, too. This means something but I don’t have the analysis skills to really go into it. If anyone wants to take a crack at it, go ahead. Sin removed because I know this is smart even if I can’t figure out why.-1

Vanya’s training implies that Reggie has been training these kids hard since they were at least four years old. +7

Current Sin Count: 73

Reggie doesn’t praise Vanya for breaking the glass, he just demands that she does it again. Say it with me now, Reggie is a dick. +1

Leonard straight up uses the word extraordinary. Sigh. +1

The description for how Vanya’s powers work (concentrate on a constant sound until that’s all you can hear and then use an emotional connection to target) is surprisingly good. This is the best description of somebody’s powers we’ve ever gotten in this show. -1

Klaus is attempting to get the yarn on the needle and failing miserably. This is one of the simpler, if tedious, things we do in knitting. Therefore, it is completely understandable how a beginner can’t make heads or tails of it. -1

Five is still injured. The old man walk gives it away. +1

Five treats Klaus like a second in command. I want more of this duo. -1

“So how’d the crazy bastard actually know to kill himself a week before the end of the world?” We would all like to know the answer to that question. Five would be excellent at cinema sins. +1

“Don’t answer, that was purely rhetorical.” Nice cop out, show. +1

Reggie used The Apocalypse to make his kids do the dishes. Checks out. +1

Five and Klaus bond over hating doing the dishes and the person making them do the dishes. Sibling culture. -1

“Where have you been?” “Jail. Long story.” The looks on Klaus and Five’s faces! -2

Vanya breaks the monocle. Good job, kid. However, if you know the comics then you know why I am mildly concerned about this. -1

“That will conclude your training for the time being.” Meaning the next 25 years. Reggie, you suck. +1

Now Vanya’s powers are a bit more vague and imply that she has super hearing. +1

Leonard’s training routine actually includes some praise, which is a step up from Reggie. However, a step up from Reggie is still someplace in hell, so it’s still a sin. +1

It’s also a sin because it’s uncontrolled and Vanya is afraid of it, yet Leonard keeps pushing her. +1

Leonard uses the kind of language Reggie would use to describe Vanya’s powers. Checks out because he read Reggie’s book and is using his ideas to train Vanya. +1

Helen Cho’s missing person poster reminds the viewer that Leonard is bad news. +1

Vanya plays for the St. Pluvium Chamber Orchestra. First of all, no they have a conductor. +1

Second of all, “Pluvium” means of or relating to rain. The Umbrella Academy fights against the leader of the rain orchestra in episode 10. Who came up with that pun? That is absolutely hilarious. -1

Based on a post by @seven-valid-libras I think Griddy’s is across the street from this bar? I am not 100% sure. If it is then that’s a sin off because Agnes definitely has a bunch of drunk people coming in for doughnuts every now and then. I lowkey want to write this fic. -1

“Maybe they’ll brood each other to death” Is this a reference to the fact that Luther and Diego were both too emo for umbrellas in episode 1? -1

I feel so bad for Luther right now. Reggie really fucked with his head. +1

After hearing that Vanya’s boyfriend is a convicted murderer, Luther is more concerned for Allison than he is for Vanya. +1

Diego’s face when Luther says “you should have led with that!” [the fact that Allison went after a convicted murderer alone] -1

Luther is right. Diego should have led with that. +1

Luther breaks the door in his rush to get out of the bar. Checks out. -1

Mary J. Blige. -1

The shop is closing because Agnes is leaving? Who owns Griddy’s? +1

And if the shop is closing, then why leave doughnuts on the shelf? Are they gifts for the other waitresses who are now out of a job? +1

Agnes keeps a flamingo (presumably, scented) candle in a bakery. +1

Cha Cha was way too close to that explosion to not get some scratches at the very least. +1

Sergeant Cheddar is letting Allison stay in the room while he interrogates Mr. Luntz (the man that survived Vanya’s powers). +1

What kind of person allows themselves to be hired by some guy in order to beat him up in front of his girlfriend? Who does that? Are there people like that who exist in real life? +1

Allison doesn’t get pissed off when Luntz says that they started to hurt the girl (Vanya) too. +1

Sgt. Cheddar finally gets pissed off with Allison after she starts leading Luntz. This took way too long. +1

“What I really need to do is practice,” said every musician ever. Including me. As I’m typing this I’m putting off practicing. Vanya is calling me out. I deserve it. +1

Also, Vanya just got first chair and so far she still hasn’t learned the solo the day before the concert. That is such a mood. -1

The cracks in Leonard’s personality are finally starting to show. If Harold was smart he would let Vanya do this without attempting to manipulate her into more practice. +1

Vanya left her violin propped up in the middle of a sofa. That is a broken violin waiting to happen. +1

Where is her rosin? Don’t tell me she reuses the same rosin and doesn’t clean her instrument. Please. +2

Leonard doesn’t tell Vanya where he will be going. He just sort of leaves without a note. This would be fine if this universe had cell phones, but it doesn’t. Leonard is a dick. +1

Agnes would like to spend her (Hazel tells her it’s hypothetical but we know it’s not) last two days on Earth with Hazel. That is so sweet. But also, they met less than a week ago. +1

This is the turning point that makes Hazel an active character that wants to stop the apocalypse. Finally some character motivation that makes sense! Whoop! -1

They Call Me a Fool by Damon is another one of my favorites from the soundtrack. What can I say, I’m a sucker for jazz. -1

There is a parallel between Five leaving Vanya’s apartment and Leonard leaving her at the cabin. Her brother (whom I assume she loves) and the man she is infatuated with both leave her at some point without warning. The people who Vanya loves keep leaving her. +2

Vanya puts her violin down on a chair and lets the bow fall. Bows are expensive. +1

“I made a secret place just for you. None of your siblings get to play there.” Of course Reggie is framing it this way. He’s scared of her. +1

The further away from Pogo the camera is, the less real he looks. +1

Reggie and Pogo locked Vanya in this cage. +1

Vanya’s violin bow fell down but in the next shot it’s propped on the chair. +1

Sgt. Cheddar tells Allison to stay put but has no way to verify that she actually will. Also, if he’s such a fan then shouldn’t he know that she used to be a superhero? +1

Allison kept her proof about Leonard/Harold in the car again. +1

“I love you. And I wanna be here for you as your sister.” -1

“I love him.” Vanya you met him less than a week ago. +2

If there was ever a wrong time to bring up the fact that you took Vanya’s powers away and left her with a horribly low self esteem due to the poorly worded “I heard a rumor that you think you’re just ordinary”, it would be now! Now is the wrong time to bring this up! +10

Reggie used Allison to make Vanya powerless. Reggie is a dick. An absolute bastard. A complete scumbag. Etc. +20

Reggie has also been drugging Vanya since she was FOUR YEARS OLD. +50

Insert Reggie insults here. Feel free to come up with your own in the tags. Fuck this guy repeatedly with a rusty chainsaw. +20

Vanya is not in the right state of mind to understand that Reggie is the one that made Allison rumor her. +1

The final fight between Allison and Vanya is heartbreaking. Emmy Raver-Lampman and Ellen Page are excellent actresses. -5

Vanya’s skin keeps getting paler and paler. Foreshadowing. -1

This is the only time Allison attempts to use her powers in the show. To save her life. I would say that it is pretty justified. -1

Violin bows are not sharp enough to cut human flesh. Is this another part of Vanya’s power? +1

Gore warning! This is super fucked. Not gonna lie, I gag a little every time I see this.+4

Vanya is freaking out and then Leonard walks in. Vanya’s mental state is completely out the window at this point. +4

Leonard manhandles Vanya into letting her sister die (as far as they know) on the floor of the cabin. +10

Allison has definitely lost enough blood to kill her, yet she survives this. +1

Leonard went out to kill Luntz. +10

Nobody in the car (Five driving, Klaus shotgun, Luther and Diego in the back) is wearing a seatbelt. +1

Also, of these four people, Five is the most qualified to drive right now? Diego is sitting right there! And we saw Klaus drive the ice cream truck! Luther would have some trouble driving because he’s so large. But really?? +2

“Can you go any faster?” “Ask me again and I’ll burn you with the cigarette lighter.” The comic relief doesn’t really land here because the scene before was so dramatic and the music is still playing. To change the mood, the song would also have to change. +2

Independently, that is a pretty funny Grandpa Five line. -1

Including Ben in the scene where they find Allison bleeding out on the floor is a subtle reminder to the audience that if Allison was dead, Klaus would be able to see her ghost. The lack of a ghost means she is still alive. +1

Also, this scene has all the original members of The Umbrella Academy in it. Look how far they’ve come from the bank robbery. +6

No one is checking for a pulse right now. They’re just assuming that Allison is dead. +10

Overall Review: It goes without saying that this episode is fucking brutal. When I first watched it I had to stop and go do something else for a while because of the rumor reveal and the throat thing. That was really, really concerning. Props to Emmy Raver-Lampman. She fucking killed it this episode. If anyone was wondering if she was a good actress (ya know because of all the “come look at this” lines she kept getting) then this episode made it very clear that she can act and she does it very, very well. 

So, Vanya’s sanity is out the window, Allison is down for the count, and no one cares about the apocalypse right now. That last one is understandable because of Allison’s situation, but damn it really isn’t looking good for the Hargreeves siblings. 

Also, I want to talk about something. This is the last episode in which Allison and Vanya are both capable of speech. And in the eight hours we have known these two women, they have had multiple conversations. All of them have been about a man. Their brothers, their father, Patrick, or Leonard/Harold. Seriously, the two women in this show that are main characters never have a conversation that isn’t about a man. There is no excuse. With the fridging and this, you have to wonder if the writers on this show hate women or something? I don’t normally add sins post analysis, but I think I will make an exception for this one. +100

Total: 283

Sentence: Serious gore.