#not needing to quarantine my beloved

[casually-eat-my-soul]

Can someone please write a fic about that one scene where stiles grabs Derek’s face in magic bullet.

Where although he was out of it Derek could feel stiles fingers trail across his face. He could feel how softly and careful stiles was in that one moment. It had been the first touch from a human, from anyone, that did not cause Derek pain.

And when Derek wakes up he’s just obsessed with being touched by stiles again because he remembered how good it felt, how finally someone touched him and it didn’t hurt. Derek refused to wash his face for like three days after this because stiles had unknowingly scent marked him, and he couldn’t make himself get rid of the scent. How it made Derek feel like he wasn’t alone.

This action makes Derek’s wolf believe that stiles is pack, (stiles is the first pack Member!!) and he just keeps ending up in embarrassing situations trying to get stiles attention and his hands and him.

He probably just ends up blurting it out at stiles one day. Or maybe after killing Peter, he just get handle the weight of being alone, of killing the last member of his family, of being touched by Kate, of being hurt.

So he drags his body to stiles house and just gets on his knees and begs stiles to touch him, to make it stop hurting.

And stiles knows how hard it is to lose a family member so he does. He doesn’t think this will happen again, he just understands that Derek needs comfort. But Derek comes back over and over again and every time begs stiles to touch him. And stiles does, every time.

It becomes a comfort thing for the both of them, stiles running his fingers over the planes of Derek’s face. Derek gets to relax in the one place he’s safe, listening to stiles humming or muttering and the beat of his heart. It becomes a need, but soon stiles touching Derek isn’t enough, Derek wants to touch stiles. He wants to return the favour, he wants to scent mark stiles back. So everyone will know that stiles is claimed, that he is protected by an alpha who would kill for him. And he gets the chance to on the anniversary of stiles mother’s death.

Stiles is just so tired, his dad is working, will be all night. Scott is with Allison, and stiles doesn’t have the energy to beg him to pick him tonight. So he goes to Derek; Stiles isn’t really sure what this arrangement that he and Derek have but tonight he is the one who needs. He drives to the hale house and ends up sobbing by the time he gets there. He’s just sitting in the jeep in front of the hale house and he can’t move. And suddenly Derek is there.

Derek was already worried when he could hear the engine of the jeep pull up but when it turned off and all Derek could hear was stiles crying, he moved without thinking. He yanked the driver side door open and his heart broke. Stiles was sitting there trying to calm himself down, rubbing the tears from his face but nothing was working. So when stiles turned his head to him, eyes pleading and whining, Derek picked him up and carried him bridal style into the house. Derek just holds him for hours, memorizing the way stiles feels under his fingertips.

In the aftermath Stiles makes one joke about being a blushing bride (due to the blush on his face and being carried bridal style) and Derek is just hit with a vision of being married to stiles. Of being about to always be allowed to touch stiles and blue screens. Unfortunately Derek wolf takes this as expressed agreement that stiles is mated and married to them.

Derek buys rings the next day. Sure it takes him a few more years to propose but it’s the thought that counts. (Cocky Derek hale who flirts with stiles by calling him his pretty little wife, just to see stiles blush a pretty pink for him. But one day stiles responds that he doesn’t have a ring, so Derek just gives it to him.)

[pebblezone]

🫡🏳️‍⚧️

[foldingfittedsheets]

One of Korben the cats most illustrious nicknames is Piss Boy Supreme. Truly, it wasn’t his fault. Korben is an immaculate groomer and whatever else can be said of him it must be noted that he’s always the tidiest cat in the house.

But the last time I took him to the vet he needed to have a dental cleaning. They knocked him out and he usually comes home high as balls and upset.

On this particular occasion he exited the carrier and I turned to release Leeloo from hers. My beloved said, “Why is Korben wet?”

I glanced over at him, slinking toward the stairs, “No, I think his fur is just scrungly, they always look like that after surgery.”

We both continued to observe him and my beloved exclaimed, “He’s dripping!”

Indeed, he was dripping. I leapt forward and scooped him up, dashing him to the upstairs bathroom. The second my fingers touched him it was immediately apparent that he was absolutely saturated with piss. He was thirteen pounds of pee soaked sham-wow.

The poor lad had been too nervous and high to pee at the vets and instead released the entirety of his bladder onto himself in the carrier.

So there we were. In the bathroom with a very inebriated and distressed sopping wet piss boy. Korben has never needed a bath in his life, he’s always been so fastidious. But he needed one now. We took that poor cat, high as balls, and stuck him in the tub.

The sounds he made were unlike any he’s ever produced. The desperate hoarse wails of an animal that knows his end is nigh. He shrieked and sobbed as we sprayed him down, and our hearts misgave us.

We relented, hauling him out to towel off. But we weren’t convinced he was clean so we kept him quarantined in the bathroom to sober up and dry off.

An hour later when we revisited him we staggered back. The whole bathroom reeked of his uriney misadventure. He was clearly too deeply soaked for a casual rinse. So to all of our mutual dismay we embarked on Korben’s second bath of his life.

He was no less distressed and only a little less high as we soaped him as thoroughly as his flailing limbs would allow. Near the end he just let out an ululating continuous wail of pain but we persisted. He was finally clean.

But the memory remains, the absolute Piss Boy Supreme.

[becausebuckley]

michelle's buddie fic recs: week 38!

some more fics!! it’s been an excellent reading week!

this is a mix of fics with all ratings, so some include NSFW content. please take a look at both the ratings and the fic tags before reading!

if you come across something you like in this list, remember to show some love to the author by leaving kudos and a comment!

all you're giving me is friction | hammersmiths/@henswilsons | 7.9k | T

Eddie is new, and married, and Buck won’t stop flirting. 5+1. excellent team vibes and such a fun twist!!

family feud: first responders | Princessfbi/@princessfbi | 3.2k| G

The FireFam go on Family Feud. hilarious lovely fic that was so nice to read in 911 family feud week <3

ice cream before dinner | cloudydaisies | 58.6k | T

gerrard messes with the team's schedules and eddie 'i just drove my son to flee the state' diaz is the only option to watch mara and jee-yun after school on tuesdays, which, shouldn't be a problem at all, right? this made me cry. eddie and jee and mara <3

i'm here (i'm yours for the taking) | farfromthstars/@doeeyeseddie | 19.1k | T

at the winter wedding of an old friend, buck and eddie pretend to be married to each other. the plan has no weaknesses, obviously, not even mistletoe or anyone’s secret feelings… using this as a blanket rec for this author because i've been slowly making my way through all their fics and every single one of them hits the spot <3 but this one in particular has a lovely lovely pretend relationship and it's so good!!

invisible string (tying you to me) | bookinit/@bookinit02 | 5.3k | T

buck, eddie, and the intimacy of a properly-tied shoe. buck's acts of service <3 i love fics of buddie doing Totally Normal Friend Things hehe

i've only known you to keep your word | thisissirius/@thisissirius | 4.4k | M

buck's lonely and eddie knows. i love fics that go no no this man's not gonna be lonely anymore and this is exactly that <3

no thing defines a man (like love) | timeshareindestin/@timeshareindestin | 12.3k | T

the buckley parents are visiting LA for jee's 4th birthday. which is fine, except they don't know two things: 1. buck has hearing aids again, and 2. he's engaged to eddie. hard of hearing buck series my beloved <3 i love eddie's interactions with the buckley parents and the maddie convo!!

a reservoir in your eyes. | dylaesthetics | 7k | M

the Buddie roommates fic where Buck’s apartment burns down, Christopher teaches him Gen-Z slang, and Buck finally snaps. the buck and chris slang bit never fails to cheer me up!

You Ran Outside and Caught the Moon | yoddream/@yoddream | 47.8k | M

Eddie wants to tell him that it only happened yesterday, but then he thinks about quarantine, and when Shannon died, and when she left for LA after he was discharged, and when he found out Chris was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, and when Shannon told him she was pregnant, and when he was ten and his dad yelled at him for crashing his new truck because his mom was in labor and nobody was around to take her to the hospital. He thinks about how he wanted to disappear every time, wished for something to kill him so that he didn’t have to face his fears, deal with reality. It hits him like his dad’s truck hit the tree. mind the tags for this one but it's such a fantastic character study and exactly the fic i needed this week <3

[phoenixcatch7]

Deep in my ff7 rereads so here are my favourite fandom fics, hands down.

End as you mean to begin <- 130k+ of time travelling cloud parenting the remnants, seeking asylum in a war torn wutai to keep all four of them out of shinras hands while sephiroth is absolutely Going Through It in midgar. Great Genesis characterisation and cloud mothering his way to an international incident. Bonus gender hijinks, hilarious misunderstandings and zack. Unfinished.

The fear of falling stars <- 500k+ and soon to be completed. Cloud and insane!Sephiroth time travel back to their shinra days and I cannot emphasise enough how much cloud is Not Doing Well. Gorgeous wordplay and top tier banter. Utterly unhinged blood enemies to ??? to ?????? to lovers sefikura. It's E rated and probably the tensest I've ever been reading fic lol, it is not lighthearted! But it's incredibly well written and the characters are phenomenal (zack my beloved) so if you've got strong nerves (and like a quarantine pairing) I'd definitely recommend it.

Voice of the gods <- 170k+ of almost idyllic gods and avatars au. Slow, soft and full of world building, it's a lovely relaxing read of cloud getting anointed the envoy of sephiroth, god of war, and slowly growing into his role and joining the ranks of envoy. Lots of side characters take larger roles here, and sephiroth himself is a darling without losing his sharpest edges. Unfinished.

I CAN FIX HIM (series) <- possibly my favourite sephiroth characterisations ever. 130k and growing of pure shaking this man like a doll in a perfect mix of almost delirious crack and gutting angst (often both at once!). Very good writing, every single funny moment hits like a truck and keeps building until you're choking with laughter. Bonus points to ROADTRIP! for being utterly, utterly insane. I cannot emphasise enough just how GOOD every single character and their dynamics are written.

Just anything ff7 written by AimeeLouWrites, if you've been in this fandom for any length of time you'll have heard of her. Great concepts, great executions and aus for DAYS.

Five hearts to make him whole <- 130k+ of time/dimension travelling cloud getting sent to a world of soulmates - and his alternate self bagged all four soldier firsts. Alternate cloud also died violently a few years ago and boy did those soulmates (not) take it well. Our cloud, of course, was not read in on any of this. Shout out to the emotional support chocobo! Unfinished?

Shall I find rest <- another soulmate agszc (?) dimension cross but this one is 100k+ of post AC cloud and Tifa waking up and deciding to make it everyone else's problem. They're so done with all the drama. Bamf nibel duo to the end and Tifa is the mvp. Unfinished.

Advanced release <- 250k+ and it's sephiroth receiving the original game in a strange packet that appeared in his room. It spirals into a messy and painful exposure of conspiracy, lies and inevitable tragedy. Video game logic is a running gag and zack remains the only actually stable person in the whole sorry mess but he's also Having a Terrible Experience. Really well written!!! Unfinished.

On broken wings <- 160k+ of pure post AC sephiroth redemption from his pov. Him struggling to find his place in a new world and experience real human connection evolves into MOOGLE EMBASSY need I say more?? Unfinished.

With Great Power Comes Meddling Fucking Gods <- 470k+! Poly WEAPON cloud gets yoinked back to the past (feat agzs), dies for a few days and misses his family SO bad but he is determined to change the future for the better. Probably the most healthy and mature cloud ever lol. Unfortunately for him, insane!sephiroth is pulling a inner hollow and gaia herself isn't talking. If you like symbolism, whoo boy!! The dream sequences are a DOOZY (and drowning in eroticism). Wonderfully written, the divide between sane!sephiroth and his counterpart is really cool to see. E rated at times but it's absolutely DELIGHTFUL and WEAPON cloud is such a treat. And I cannot emphasise enough the symbolism. Zackkura (kinda) and slow burn! Unfinished.

A brand need not be seen <- 180k+ in a world of soulmates where the four firsts have clouds name on their wrists. Trooper cloud is tentatively, desperately hopeful. Then a smoking hot op af adult cloud appears, with no names on his wrists at all. It's a really cute flirty fic despite covering shinra politics, identity crises, huge self worth issues, lots of trauma, and finding your own place in the world. Unfinished.

Memory's struggle <- 250k+ of cascading time travel. Basically everyone goes back, which goes great XD. Everyone... Except cloud. I read this a while ago but I do remember poor cloud just getting loved and spoiled by literally everyone and freaking out about it lmao. He was so confused! Unfinished.

Additional edit:

A solitude of space <- a wonderfully soothing 90k complete of sephiroth getting resurrected and moving to stardew valley to become the farmer. It's sooooo peaceful and following him as he grows into his own person and experiences real normality and community is lovely, if a touch angsty. Eventual sefikura with cloud moving to the farm when he's not doing deliveries. It's just. Really nice. I think I cried at the end. Finished!

One-Winged Angel's Self-Saving System <- 55k+ sephiroth enters the Chinese fantasy Scum Villain world in place of the scum villain himself! (He's the third person to take on that role, but who's counting?) Reborn into a plant body he's set loose on an unsuspecting world with a completely different magic system (sentient swords! Immortality!), with only the guide of a mysterious hallucinated ai. Freedom to make his own choices! Aroallo seph rep! He messes up the plot so bad, recruiting accidental love interests with kill counts and resurrecting long lost immortals. It can get a bit heavy but it's really fun and sephiroth has no intention of ever going back. Unfinished.

The SOLDIER General's Self Saving Shizun <- 73k+ of the opposite of the last fic: the scum villain (the 2nd) gets isekai'd into sephiroth! Shen qingqiu, aka the modern world native shen yuan, fails to resurrect into his prepared plant body and wakes up in a new fictional world, once again as the villain. With his limited memory of the games and his immense knowledge of cultivation (scum villains magic system) he tries to get a grasp on his new life while evading hojo, the president, his new subordinates and the war front while cultivating to immortality - something shinra is VERY interested in. When I tell you these two fics have a GRIP on me. I've written so many fic ideas around them. It's actually insane. The first thing he does is completely redecorate his rooms and buy a whole new wardrobe, which is totally not suspicious XD. Unfinished.

The fifth act <- 160k, it's a good ol' time travel fic - with a twist. The truest exploration of ripples in a pond, or how kindness, when true, can be returned in most unexpected ways. Or maybe how a single act of good can change the world.... Or maybe it's about how you must never turn your back on an enemy. Cloud has people to save and people to kill, and only time will tell which is which. Complete.

Of Things That May Be Only 'Verse <- another series! At 250k, it's about sephiroth resurrecting, only to, uh, slip and crack his head lol. This sends him spiralling through a vision of a cosy life he'd never dreamed, and when he wakes up? He wants it so bad. But that means behaving. Slow burn sefikura redemption, side Cid/Vincent (vincid?) which ngl did convince me of the ship, domestic fluffiness and found family galore! And the whole series is complete!!

Little seph <- a 160k series about the AC sephiroth revival going wrong. Stuck in the body of a kid, post AC sephiroth is a feral kitten carefully domesticated with the power of pancakes, wing preening, and deeply uncomfortable sleepovers. He's a brat, a pest, a murder machine, but he just wants to be part of a family even if he pretends he doesn't. Eventual sefikura, and overall just a very good read. Fully complete!

We are no heroes <- 70k series, about a secretly time travelled sephiroth desperately trying to save his friends and finally, maybe, rest. When I tell you this had me SOBBING. I was BAWLING. Extremely good, zack is best boy. This man is just so tired. Beautiful descriptions. And, again, complete! Yay!

[dykesbat]

i have one particular fixation on this shitty gacha game rn (hi3) w canon queers and it makes me wanna bawl my eyes out every time i think abt it

goddd i love when queer romances actually hold meaning to the story though i love you narratives i love youuuu

[imprintmoonstone]

Dear Liam,

Na bangaaram (transl. 'My Beloved' in Telugu, my native language), where do I begin?

I first became a fan of 1D in 2015, just a few months after Zayn left. My friend (she was a big fangirl!) suggested that I listen to your songs. But frankly, I was disinterested. I was like, "meh! okay.." But a week or so later, the Drag Me Down music video was in my YouTube recommendations, and I was kinda curious, so I finally watched the music video and thought to myself, "Damn! these guys are fantastic and so talented!!" And the rest is history. In no time, I had become a big fan of 1D.

Even though I liked all the boys, I always had a soft spot for you and Zayn. You were both my favorites. In 2017, I remember another friend spamming my phone with texts when the 'Strip That Down' music video was released. He and I went bonkers that day, haha (He was a big fan of you and Zayn, too! He loved 'Get Low' and 'Bedroom Floor' a lot.) I also remember waking up early to listen to LP1 while staying in bed, watching your LP shows until 3 AM during 2020, all your cute Insta lives, etc. I have so many fun memories like these that I'm eternally grateful for 💝

Liam, I have always admired your kindness, passion, strength, patience, and bravery. Even with all the noise outside from many people, you stood firm. You loved everyone loudly and were always there for them. Your music made me so happy, and your voice always had a soothing effect on me. Your musical talent (especially your live performances and acoustic versions) and artistic skills always amazed me! Your interviews and weekly round-up videos during quarantine time helped me stay sane (I still watch all these videos and instantly feel relaxed.)

You've become my comfort person, honestly. There was a time when I wanted to give up, but you gave me the strength to move forward. You inspired me to be kind and gentle with myself. I can't thank you enough for being the warmth I needed during my coldest nights. I'll love you forever, my hero ❤️

I'm sorry that the world was never nice to you. It was so painful to see all the unwarranted hate towards you. You deserved all the love and kindness you always spread. It's devastating that you didn't get to do the things you were so passionate about. I'll miss your kind eyes, voice, your warm smiles and sweet giggles, your goofiness. I'll miss you so much, Liam, and I'll forever cherish all these memories.

Rest gently, angel. I hope that wherever you are now, you find peace 🕊️❤️‍🩹

Love,

Ri

[coff-in]

You know that last post about Andy being a reluctant sex maniac? It occurs to me if he really could just bust that hard on a daily basis, he'd probably like to experiment a little with it (maybe in a way that won't put someone in a hospital though). Say maybe you're stuck without food so he makes a, say, special bowl of clam chowder- extra thick and salty, just for you. (No you can't ask how he made it. It's a secret. Shut up. No don't share it with Ashley she can get something on her own.)

Then, by some miracle, you actually like it enough that you might try it again later, and he feels like just hearing that feedback gave his body the express command to refill right the fuck back up with enough for another few batches. Then, if he gets the food needed (probably from a more resourceful [reader] scrounging up some more ingredients) he starts putting it in other things he makes when nobody else is looking- the mayonnaise in your sandwich, the glazing of some rolls, the batter for some pancakes, a special protein shake- you think he's really on a roll with learning new recipes and getting some passion for the culinary arts during these rough days, but at the heart of it he's really just gotten addicted to the thought of filling you up with his jizz.

Somehow I think Ashley would do something similar- though she probably wouldn't be as good at hiding it or being too subtle. If it wouldn't be putting her cum into random things you and Andy had to eat, it'd be her bargaining a random neighbor off to a devil so she can lactate at will, then insisting on pouring you all a nice glass of milk for breakfast each day. And if she ever actually gets to know about Andrew and sees he's also doing funny shit with what you've been serving, she'd egg him on to go further and combine their "resources" to see what they can get away with, and ask for discreet lessons in cooking so she can feed you her own tainted dishes. And you'd be so, so incapable of just turning the two down, because as far as you know, hey, they made it for you! Poor, immature Ashley learned to make something nice from her sweet big brother just to make you happy! You wouldn't turn down a helping of special-made, sugar-glazed, extra-protein pancakes just because they taste a little off sometimes, would you?

notes from coff-in: reluctant sex maniac andrew my beloved <3 you guys don't understand the emotion i felt waking up at 6 o'clock in the morning and seeing that in my inbox. went through several stages of disgusted, amused, and horny. andrew must be tired slinging that huge log between his legs, having everyone tease him about that thick outline in his pants or the round bulge... he could hide it in me if he wants to

[gender neutral] reader-insert, NSFW

if [reader] was like me they'd eat anything edible without question. andrew hands them fucking extra creamy clam chowder and [reader]'s like "aw hell yeah, thanks :)" like NOO??? where tf did he get EXTRA CREAMY CLAM CHOWDER??? and why can't ashley eat any??? wouldn't question anything, just thankful to be eating something while stick in quarantine

the "mayo" sandwich is so funny for that fan service/horny potential because maybe andrew adds too much and when [reader] takes a bite, the mayo just squirts out the sandwich from the other end. they scoop it up with their fingers and then suck it, running their tongue over their fingers going "mmmh! it's kinda salty but it's tastes good!" andrew's watching [reader] eat with wide eyes and feels another batch weighing heavy in his balls, waiting to enter [reader]

i like to think that in this scenario that [reader] is good friends with andrew and ashley. yeah sometimes [reader]'s eyes wander towards andrew's uncomfortably, unreasonably big and needy endowments (never letting that go) but they still like andrew for the cynical english nerd that he is and ashley for the annoying and teasing girl that she is. i think that's how ashley came to think "yeah... i wanna feed them my fluids"

she'd be so teasing about it, hinting that it's "made with love" and it's a "family recipe" while they drink coffer made with her breast milk (maybe it's a breast milk tea for [reader] if they don't like coffee). it's a crazy thought seeing ashley standing over a dead body in the middle of a pentagram talking to a demonic entity "i want to be able to lactate" crazy...

andrew and ashley sneak around the kitchen so they could have their "cooking lessons" while [reader] is sleeping. i think [reader] would try to make them something in return, an honest and genuine attempt at a meal to say thank you to them "i know it's not as good as your food but i really appreciate you guys and the food you've been making me" it touches andrew and ashley's hearts

they get off to the idea of [reader] taking the "special ingredients" straight from the source :3

----

coff-in

[delulustateofmind]

Babe let me know what you think of this idea for yan satosugu because the brain worms have been at it so bad this week. Medical AU where reader who was previously healthy has gotten an illness that’s been bothering her for about a month until it becomes unbearable and she has to go to the hospital. She was putting it off because she’s got a HUGE needle phobia and general fear of hospitals and procedures etc. Now idk if you wanna make both of them doctors, we did get that panel of nurse Geto but in the satosugu dynamic I feel like it would be Gojo as the nurse. Regardless, our healthcare heathens here don’t wanna discharge their darling little patient so easily. Probably doing unnecessary treatments just to keep her sick and dependent. Ohohoh so much to play with here, the medical play, if she hasn’t been visiting doctors regularly how would she be able to discern what is a red flag in their treatment especially when the doctor with the silver tongue explains it all so rationally you ought to trust him right? They have constant access to any medicine, the perfect tactics of isolating her if they put her in quarantine. Reader stressing because if she takes too much sick leave she’ll be fired from her job not to mention all the medical debt, my, my it’s so over. It would be really cool to have a reader who is absolutely a fighter I’m talking biting, scratching, screaming, thrashing, clawing kicking. She’s not going down without being knocked out and even after she wakes up she’s at it again. Literally doing anything to stop her phobias and fears from happening just to be free. In a lot of works reader is often paralyzed with fear which isn’t bad but I so badly wanna see a fighter (maybe bc when I read I’m like “pshh I wouldn’t let that slide” lolll ) and how she slowly breaks or breaks free your choice. Because of your background in chemistry and I’m assuming biology too because I bet you had to take some courses in order to complete the major, you’re the perfect person to request this to!!!! Ever since I read You Just Can’t Play God I was ascending. Your writing is so expressive and emotional like I’m really going through it here and it’s so addictivly tragic every time. And I could tell that you but your background knowledge into that fic and it deserves MORE LOVE so I’m giving it to you 💖💖💖thinking of this always. Wahhhh I go crazy for science fiction and medical horror and a yandere doctor is such bad news let alone two!!!! I kinda feel bad for making such a lengthy request and especially since you mentioned about wanting to post some more wholesome satosugu content and I come in with this🤡. Alas I am (with your consent) open mouth smooching you, warmly embracing you, feeding you yummy snacks and tucking you into bed. Ok that’s enough yapping out of me I got to go to bed. Good night!!!

- With much adoration 💖 anon

💖 Anon, we are definitely making out right now—especially after you just fed me that delicious FIC IDEA.

Holy fuck, do I love a good medical AU. (The gloves? They do things to my brain. The power play? Chef’s kiss.)

What are you gonna do? Say no to a medical professional?

I totally agree—Geto would absolutely be the silver-tongued doctor, while Gojo would thrive in a cute little nurse outfit. I can already picture them doing home visits. They have your address (and everything else about you). Small-town beloved doctors? No one suspects a thing.

I will be gratefully taking this request. I’m nearly done with a fic for this weekend, so I’ll be starting on it soon. :)

I need to go to bed too, but you’ve got my brain worms munching.

I love you, 💖 anon. Thank you for your wonderful words—I hope you have the sweetest, fluffiest dreams.

[alli-ily]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BELOVED @cassie-aintyourzz ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

Info: This art is my best friends persona hehe

I just want you to know how grateful I am to have met you back in SHS and that you talked to me first because I am very much introverted, and you literally adopted me as an extrovert xD

(Note: this is going to be quite long hehe)

But seriously, you have no idea how thankful I am for having you as my friend and always giving time for me when I needed you for help, like coming to our house because my haircut was a disaster just a few weeks ago HAHHAHAHAHA Expressing how amazing you are and how blessed I am to have you is definitely a challenge because, as you know, I'm not really one for words, and my approach when it comes to emotions is most of the time logical. But I will definitely try, sooooooo... Meeting you definitely changed my life into something more beautiful, exciting, wonderful, and, most definitely, stressful because of boys always chasing you- but setting that aside, you showed me how fun high school can be again after being stuck in quarantine for so long, how fun it is hanging out with friends. Now I know I'm a difficult person to handle, especially since I am very cautious with strangers irl, but when we became friends, you were so patient with me to the point that I even wondered why you stayed or if I even deserved you because not only were you patient but also soft and kind, too kind for my liking back then. I still remembered how you won't outright be rude to the boys who are vying for your attention, even if they're being lowkey disrespectful, so I had to step in most of the time. There's also this one time when I was on my period, and my emotions were all over the place, which made me snap at you... I know I hurt your feelings back then, and even though I apologized, I will never forgive myself for it. But even with me not controlling my emotions well to the point that I snapped at you and I was basically about to pass out from my period cramps in the restroom, you still went to check on me if I was doing fine, remembering that while writing this makes me wanna cry ngl AHAHAHHAHAHA It's moments like those that made me realize how much we've been through together and how lucky I am to have you, so thank you for being my awesome and lovable friend (I'm ending the message here before I rant more xD) P.s. I hope you're not expecting this as the only gift you'll receive HHAHAHHAHA

/___/\ ꒰ ˶• ༝ - ˶꒱ ./づᡕᠵ᠊ᡃ࡚ࠢ࠘ ⸝່ࠡࠣ᠊߯᠆ࠣ࠘ᡁࠣ࠘᠊᠊°.~♡︎ Happy birthday and ilysmmm <33

[lskisms]

YOU, AT LEAST, WERE BUILT TO GO, J. MILLER

. . . which is why you are able to be loved

synopsis — joel is getting older, he is getting frail, and you, still in your youth, have to come to terms with it. you just have to do so much sooner than you thought when he’s hurt during your attempt to escape the university of eastern colorado.

genres &&. warnings — angst, hurt/comfort, (post) apocalypse &&. canon compliant, spoilers for ep. 6 “kin” and ep. 7 “left behind,” contemplation of death, canon-typical violence (wound, gore, blood, wound care), age-gap (reader is in their mid-late 20s).

word count — 3.2k

note from r — title comes from the poem “elegy for my innocence” by steven dunn. i suppose i need to introduce myself a little: i’m rhi, i’m 22, and i’m in my second to last semester of college where i’m majoring in english. obvi, a big fan of the last of us, but also resident evil (which is what i’ve based my account aesthetic on, courtesy of my beloved leon s. kennedy). my ask box is open for people who want to send in asks and things. i’m really looking forward to writing for my fellow joel miller lovers.

if your parents were still alive, if they were around to see the life you’ve carved for yourself over the last few months, you’re certain your dad would want to smack the shit out of you and your mother would disown you from the family faster than you could blink.

you can hear the chastising now: a man old enough to be your father? are you joking? what the fuck is wrong with you? this is not what we meant when we told you we wanted you to start a family. 

and you can’t fault them really. you are almost twenty years his senior, having been just a young child when the cordyceps outbreak decimated the world. if the world had stayed normal, if none of this had ever happened, you’d probably have a dead end corporate job that has you wanting to drop off the face of the earth at the end of every grueling day, married and going home to a man complacent and yielding in every aspect, never too sure of himself to assert any kind of dominance, stuck in his own dead end job that keeps you comfortable just enough.

but the world isn’t normal and it hasn’t been since 2003. and there’s nothing you can do about it. you feel like a child again, wholly the depiction of the angsty teen in dramas and romcoms, as you tell the ghosts of your parents that the heart wants what it wants and i can’t help that i fell in love with a man going starlight gray at his temples. it is wholly melodramatic, something that you would have seen in any number of teen dramas written by out-of-touch, old white men.

joel miller came into your life like a lone crimson leaf during the fall, sometime during your first few months at the boston quarantine zone. it wasn’t like he’d meant to because everything that man did and does is deliberate; he’d simply waltzed across your line of vision as you’d walked back to your apartment after a long day of doing menial chores, the new world equivalent of that mental-health-issue inducing corporate job that the older people of the zone talked about.

you’d heard of him, of course: joel miller, flown in from somewhere down south, a menace to anyone who crossed his path prior to his arrival in boston, a brother somewhere out in the midwest who had taken off and joined the fireflies. he was decidedly unapproachable, gruff and mean and stubborn. most people were more scared of him than they were of fedra for the simple fact that he was more deadly with his two bare hands than any fedra idiot (sorry, “soldier”) with a gun.

he wasn’t a person who you intended to mess around with, no matter how handsome you’d thought he was when you saw him that first time. but then you’d started hanging around with tess, one of very few people who had any kind of stable-enough connection with him and that had led to you meeting and hanging around with him too. tess invited you to go on runs with them, sneaking out of the zone at night to stretch your legs and look for supplies that fedra definitely had and refused to give up. she’d preached your capabilities to joel and, stubborn as he was, he’d allowed you to keep coming with them after the first time because you proved to be spry enough for things that he and tess had grown a little too old for: you were useful to him and that filled you with a kind of thrilling gratification.

by the time marlene had tasked your little trio with getting ellie out of the city, you were a year deep into your entanglement with joel where you did all the recreational talking and he was the one who made the deals with the fireflies, the fedra goons he had in his pocket, the people who had things to trade. it was a balance that worked well for you: joel was well-versed in persuasion when he wanted to be and you were seemingly the only person who could draw out the rare ghost of a smile or a laugh from him.

it was supposed to be a quick job, one that joel had insisted you sit out but you’d refused. just a quick round trip tpe thing, that’s what you’d said to him. we’ll be out and back before anybody even realizes we’re gone. 

that had gone belly-up, of course, because anything that involved the fireflies had at least a 99% chance of not turning out the way anyone planned. and when you’d left the museum, you were down a friend and up a whole ton of miles. joel had tried to convince you again to leave, but once more you’d refused. tess died for us, joel. i’m in this until the end because i’m making sure her sacrifice wasn’t for nothing.

and he’d let you stay. even months after that discussion, you think that he must feel at least a tiny bit grateful that you’d argued with him over it, that you’d fought to tag along. you’re an extra set of eyes, of hands, someone capable of taking over when he needs a break, which is hardly ever because he’s still as ornery as always, but knowing that there’s someone there who can must be nice enough.

and you’re glad he’d given in for once in his life because he’s dying beneath your hands and you’re not sure what to do. he’s going sallow and gray on the concrete floor of this ransacked house, breathing raspy and eyes slipping between you and some far-off point above him. joel is dying and for the first time ever since entering his life, you’re useless.

“joel, stay awake, please,” you beg, clutching at his hand as you kneel beside him. “ellie, you have to stop the bleeding.”

“i’m trying,” the young girl snaps. when she looks up, all you see is a girl who is reliving a loss, a deer caught in headlights, frenzied and terrified. her hands press the cloth harder over joel’s stomach in an attempt to staunch the blood flow and the man groans.

“leave,” he mumbles and your head snaps to look at him. he cannot possibly be saying this right now, not after everything you’ve been through. “leave. head north, go back to jackson. find tommy.”

“like hell we will,” you reply, trying to channel as much of his stubbornness as you can. you’d rather give up and drop dead right now than leave him to die alone in some fucking house in colorado. “we’re gonna fix this, joel. we’re not leaving, i’m not leaving.”

he’s slipping again, eyes glazing over. you can tell he wants to fight with you, but he’s losing the energy for it. for any of it. ellie stills and then tosses his jacket over him in a bid to keep him warm. she fixes you with a look, his look that says stay with him, so you nod solemnly, brushing his hair back from his forehead. you hear her footsteps on the stairs and only when the door shuts behind her do you finally let yourself break, weeping openly over joel’s chest, rising and falling so, so shallowly.

falling in love with this man has been something beautiful, some kind of phoenix rising from the ashes of a long-dead world. over the last few months, you have come to learn the feel of his knuckles brushing against yours, the warmth of his chest against your back when you share a sleeping bag, the sound of his soft breaths as you’ve trekked through miles upon miles of woods and abandoned highways. you have come to appreciate those things, facets of him that only you are privy to, the only person to know the weight of his arm over your waist and feel of his breath against your shoulder.

but in doing so, in reveling in the knowledge that you are the sole person to experience these hidden away pieces of joel miller, you’ve forgotten just how much older he is than you are. that misty gray at his temples and in his beard have been so permanent, you’ve started to believe that he’s always looked like this, that it’s not a marker of his age. you’ve forgotten that he is older and growing frailer by the day, conveniently forgotten how his heart stutters and how his knees act up after hours and miles of walking.

you had always known, of course, that joel would eventually leave you, but not this soon. and not like this.

maybe it’s your fault for putting him on a pedestal: the great, unstoppable joel miller. in your mind, he’s untouchable, some formidable opponent who people fear because he’s strong and knows his way around a fight. it shouldn’t be a chunk of a broken baseball bat that ends his life because it’s not fair, none of this is fair. you’ve been a fool for thinking that the three of you, your unlikely little family, would make it out of this unscathed, for believing that you could live a life like bill and frank’s after this all was over: fulfilling, safe, and the closest resemblance of before.

“god,” you whimper out, still brushing your fingers through his salt and pepper hair. “how could you even consider telling us to leave you here, joel?”

he gazes up at you, blinks slowly, the smallest signs of life that tell you he’s listening and wanting to fight you back about it.

“y’can’t leave me alone here, old man.” a short, wet laugh. “we’ve got so much left to do. i can’t get ellie back to jackson without you. i can’t do anything without you.”

he shakes his head in response and narrows those dark eyes of his just a bit. you read it for what it is: don’t you start talkin’ about yourself like that. he’s always been hard on you for not believing in yourself and your abilities, and it makes you laugh again.

“i mean really, joel. first man i’ve ever loved and you’re telling me to leave you here to die alone in fucking colorado.” you shake your head, looking away to try to blink back tears. “i can’t- i can’t just go. i need you alive.”

you can’t even stop yourself from babbling through the tears, brushing his hair back and wiping away his own tears. even though you should be desensitized to death and loss, you’ve always been particularly sensitive. but you’re young and this is your first love, your only shot at it, and he’s bleeding out on a cold floor because you were too focused on everything else that you hadn’t been able to stop him from getting hurt.

“ain’t your fault,” joel rasps out, eyes shining in the dull winter light. you realize you voiced that, a placing of responsibility that you’d meant for yourself and yourself only. “don’t do that.”

you stare at him and you know what’s going through that head of his. all kinds of thoughts that he wants to voice out loud: it’s not your fault and you were doing the best you could in the situation and this was going to happen sooner or later. damn pessimistic realist, always focusing on the worst possible outcomes than entertaining any kind of optimism.

and in a twisted turn of events, you start to think of your parents, long gone and relegated solely to memory, buried somewhere between atlanta and boston: an optimistic dad and an overwhelmingly realistic mother, so far on opposite ends of a spectrum that they complemented each other perfectly. your dad, ever the poet, had stolen poetry collections from every bookstore he’d came across during your treks from settlement to settlement. his favorite poem, by far, was about the death of a person’s innocence, something always meant to die eventually, perpetually blushing and always coming back a little less pristine each time.

you remember it now as you’re holding joel’s hand with your own, pressing his knuckles against the soft plush of your cheek. you, at least, were built to go, you hear your father’s voice say in your head, which is why you are able to be loved. you haven’t thought about this poem in years, not since you lost him to a runner somewhere in south carolina, but it feels sickening that you’re recalling it now as you’re watching your first and only love die under your hands.

and yet, somehow, it feels comforting, the idea that to be human is to know that one day, a loved one will die, but to know that is to cherish them better, to love them harder. you’re not at all okay with joel dying because you’ve had so little time to love him, but it helps you to cherish those few late nights more, to revel in the memory of his warmth enveloping you on particularly cold nights.

you can let me go. joel’s dark eyes are going glossy again and you smile knowingly at him, still crying. he’s not dead yet and there’s a possibility that he’ll make it out of this alive, the outcome that you’re praying to every god that has ever existed for. you can let me go; it won’t be easy, but you can do it.

ellie’s feet as loud on the old wood stairs as she comes barreling through the door and down the stairwell. she looks rabid as she all but throws herself onto the floor beside joel, ripping the tan coat back and pulling the soaked cloth away. joel’s wound is still gushing blood, a sure sign that he’s well on his way to death, but when ellie makes eye contact with you, you know for sure she’s found something to help. she holds up a needle and spool of thread; she must have torn the entire house apart looking for her hail mary and she found it, she fucking found it. she stares at you, eyes wide and face red, breathing hard, waiting for your go ahead.

when you finally nod at her, fresh tears in your eyes, you look down at joel. his fingers curl around your palm tighter and he’s staring back, his eyes wide. you laugh tearfully, totally and entirely stunned that ellie had actually found a way to help.

“you’re gonna be okay,” you weep, pressing his hand to your forehead, letting your tears drip into your lap. “you’re gonna be okay, joel. just hang on.”

the next few minutes crawl by cruelly, joel surely leaving bruises on your hand from gripping yours too hard, too tight, but you can’t even care because when his hand finally goes slack, ellie is done. her handiwork isn’t so bad and the bleeding has stopped for the most part. when you sigh, it feels like the weight of the world leaves your shoulders, a degree of relief you’ve never felt in your life.

joel, stubborn as always, is fighting unconsciousness as you turn to look back at him and you know it’s because he knows he’s not entirely out of the woods yet. there’s still bleeding to stop, a potential infection to fight, medicine you need to find to keep him safe and healthy, but this has to be good enough for now. it has to be because he’s joel miller and he’s mucked it through gunshot wounds and temporary deafness and all kinds of other shit the world has thrown at him. 

ellie, clearly emotionally gone, stands, her dark eyes empty and her face void of everything save for exhaustion. without even looking at you, she turns towards the stairs and says to nobody, “going for a walk. i need a break.”

her footsteps echo in the stairwell and then creak overhead before she disappears out the front door, leaving you in an empty house with joel and the horse in the garage. you look back to joel, still holding his hand. his face, always so devoid of anything minus annoyance and anger, looks so relieved right now and it makes you want to cry again, but you’re shit out of saline. you lay his hand down beside him before you tuck his winter coat back over him, up to the chin.

there’s not much that you can say, no thoughts come to mind. nothing more than i love you, but you want to save those for when he’s safely out of the thick of this. as true as they are, it’s not the right time, but you’re sure he knows. he must when he scoots his hand out from under the coat and nudges it against your thigh, some gesture that you can’t decode, but that you understand as i’m still here, like he’s able to read your mind. you smile at him softly.

i’ll tell him when this is all over, you reason with yourself as you move to lay beside him, exhaustion finally overtaking you. wherever we end up after ellie is safe with the fireflies, i’ll tell him and he’ll say it back and we’ll be okay.

he can’t turn onto his side, but he turns his head to face you, looking every bit the age of fifty. his eyes are tired and the crinkles of his skin run deep, his cheeks and chin dusted gray. this close, you can see every pock mark, the dip of skin at his temple from some long-forgotten cut, the deep scar that mars the space between his eyebrows. his defenses are down and he looks his age, for the first time in a long time because it’s so easy to forget how old he is when he’s doing the things he does to protect you and ellie.

you scoot in as far as you’ll allow yourself, knees knocking against his legs and your head pillowed on the arm underneath you. you raise a hand and rest it on his cheek, a touch he immediately leans into, like your palm was made to caress his skin. as far as you care, it was. he tilts his head towards you and you find yourself doing the same, foreheads touching. this is one of the small gestures joel allows you on most days, but right now, it feels more monumental than that. like always, it’s a moment shared singularly between the two of you, but it carries so much more weight because he gazes at you with so much more softness and love than he’s ever let himself show before and it reminds you that underneath all that rough exterior, he is a man capable of gentle touches and adoration, no matter how many times the world and himself have tried to beat it out of him.

as his breathing slows, but deepens (a sure sign that ellie has mended the problem for now), you move your arm to rest on his torso, hand pressed into the sturdy spot just above his heart. the beat is steady, solid, a reminder that he’s okay. he was built to go, but now more than ever, you feel he was also built to be yours, to be loved by you. and you’ll make sure he makes it through this, no matter the cost.

(c) lskisms, 2023. do not repost, translate, or otherwise plagiarize my work. the only official versions of my work are available on tumblr and ao3 under the name lskisms.

[y-rhywbeth2]

10 People I’d Like To Get To Know Better Tag!

@theannoyingurge

Last Song: The Greatest Show on Earth, Nightwish. Being 20 minutes long, it's a good song for keeping my brain occupied while cleaning and doing the dishes to when it doesn't trigger an existential crisis.

Favourite Colour: Currently fond of teals.

Last Book: I have a tendency to read several books at the same time (and then forget I'm reading one). the last one I remember reading is Queen of the Depths.

Last Movie: I think it was when I watched Deadpool and Wolverine with my family around Christmas.

Last Game: Dwarf Fortress, where the biggest threat to society is all the haulers looking for chinks in the defences you've built around the glass industry so that they can descend upon the clothier's workshop in hordes and fill your shiny new meant-for-gathering-sand-bags-you-bastards with plant seeds and sabotage the supply chain, heedless of your threats that you're going to deforest the entire map, take away their weapons, unlock all the doors and leave them helpless as invading hordes of cannibalistic vengeful elves descend upon them. Or dig into an aquifer and flood the fortress, depending on how patient you're feeling. All I want to do is construct a crystal glass tower of Babylon, reaching 23 miles into the sky and 84 miles deep into the core of the earth to inflict the legions of darkness upon the heavens in a self-sacrificial act of cosmic spite. It's not too much to ask!

Last Show: It was either the Dr Who special, or House MD. I don't remember which was last, I don't watch much TV so my memories are vague.

Sweet/Spicy/Savory: Very situational, though I like my spice mild-ish (a pinch of ginger, basil and/or black pepper, usually). Currently craving savoury. A combination of unexpected gifts combined with my baking hobby has lead to us having way too much sugary food in the house right now.

Relationship: I'm skittish about personal details, and particularly feel like its not my business to talk about people in my life, on the internet. In terms of fiction, you may have noticed I enjoy terrible villains or otherwise messy people being messy/terrible together. Most recent memorable video game/visual novel romantic relationships would be: Durgetash, Durgestarion from BG3; being evil undead enemies-to-lovers wlw with Persa from VtM Sins of the Sires; and my most beloved utter bastard little meow-meow vampire boyfriend Julian from VtM: Night Road, and I'm never sure whether to date him, murder him violently, or dump him for a 200 year old Polish aristocrat in a cowboy hat who kind of wants to use me as a replacement goldfish of his 2000+ year old girlfriend who I murdered and cannibalised on behalf of Julian so he could use me as an experiment in his world domination scheme. (Preference for the other ending aside, I don't romance Ascended Astarion because tbh he just can't compare for me. I will always be disappointed.)

Last internet search: 'Scientific calculator.' I really need to buy a new one instead of relying on the internet ones.

Tags: another thing that's probably obvious about me is my inability to just approach strangers and strike up casual conversation (also I need quarantining in fandom spaces, lest I begin infodumping on the unwary). I'm still paralysed about how I'd go about this, so I know this isn't how the game works, but tell you what, if you're following me and you haven't done it and want to tell me about you, do consider yourself tagged.

[tenebriism]

❝ I swear, if you even think of getting out of that bed… ❞

Shuuji's eyes were cast down to meet Aymeric's own, the Warrior of Light having sped to his side after one of his attendants snuck a call in regards to the Lord Commander insisting on his work despite his condition slowly worsening. They had figured if anyone had the pull to keep the man in line ( and in this case, also in bed ) then it would be the one who equal parts doted on, mother henned, and aided Aymeric going on years now.

That same Shuuji who now sat next to Aymeric's bed like a guard dog, arms crossed, a playful grin on his lips despite his words. He'd keep the other down, oh yes, but he'd have some fun doing it if that's what it took to keep his beloved resting.

Caring for the Sick Prompts - [ ACCEPTING ] ;;

The Lord Commander did not detest formal events, as most may. Even those USED to them seem to mark them as something worth disdain, and yet, Aymeric finds them a welcome distraction from the woes awaiting him just outside the grand ballroom doors.

Yet, with any social event with a large list of attendees, 'tis common for some manner of illness or other to be passed around betwixt some unlucky few. As much as Aymeric makes his presence and warmth known to every single guest in attendance, 'tis a wonder he does not go down more oft. Rather, there are surely times he has suffered the odd sniffle, here and there, yet he perseveres and works through it, mindful enough of those around him to QUARANTINE, but nothing shall keep him from the almost DESPERATE need for productivity and progress.

Even... gods above, whatever this is that misfortunate has served him this time.

The text on the pages, he swears, has begun to move--- worse so that it looks so small and illegible that he wonders if he has truly, finally, gone mad. Figuring he can shift his attentions to a DIFFERENT task that doesn't require so much eyestrain and brain power, he'd managed to organize a few of the archive's books back into their rightful places before the room began to spin and he'd been forced back down from the platform ladder he'd been clinging to for dear life. One of the attendants finds him slumped against a pillar not long thereafter, with a forehead so flushed and heated it could melt the snow around them. She'd gripped him by the shoulders and beseeched him to go rest, yet he'd waved her off with a gentle smile and continued on, managing a few steps before crumbling to the floor and catching the beginnings of a shrill of PANIC.

When he awakens some few hours later, armor and robes shed in exchange for far looser, more comfortable clothing, and a damp, folded rag sat atop his forehead ( cool, fresh... likely replaced recently ), he sluggishly blinks from where he lay in his bed and attempts to recall how he'd ended up here. To even conjure up the energy to THINK is more than enough to leave him exhausted all over again, but despite the holes in his recent memory and the obviously PITIFUL state of his body, he still has the audacity to attempt to pull himself up.

❝ I swear, if you even think of getting out of that bed… ❞

" --- S-Shuuji? " He winces at the airiness of his voice, raising a hand to splay fingers flat across his chest as he clears his throat before returning 'neath the blanket again.

Paltry attempt, truly, to make himself SOUND put together; the famed Warrior of Light would likely not have gotten this far with his LIFE still intact were astute observational skills not amongst his many, MANY talents. " When did you... arrive? I thought you occupied some distant territory away? " Or has Aymeric TRULY been out that long? The thought alone worries him, that itch to throw off the covers and throw himself back into his work near torturous by this point. 'Tis only somewhat soothed by his company, whom he smiles softly at, an embarrassed flush joining the consequences of his less than ideal sense of self preservation. " Trust that I am fine, my love; you need not sit at my bedside when I am certain there is much and more that requires your attention elsewhere, as... lovely... as it is to see you. "

Though hidden, there is movement 'neath the covers--- fidgeting fingers that, so desperately, wish to innocently reach out and seek whatever of Shuuji's is within reach from his bed. The fear of spreading GERMS and forcing this ailment upon the already addled Warrior of Light is something Aymeric cannot quite IGNORE in favor of his own selfish needs, and so he suffers in silence and bows his head, sighing.

" That expression you wear tells me my efforts to sway you are futile even before I've gathered the wherewithal to attempt. Ah, I should have known better. " Aymeric chuckles in amusement, put swiftly in his place by a nasty round of coughs, but his smile still remains bright even after he is done curling in on himself, his composure regained. " Yes, I relent, then; I am poorly, but that I've the fortune to awaken to you admittedly has me feeling weightless and rejuvenated. I... should like to be selfish and request your company for a tinge longer, long as you keep your distance. It would not do well for you to fall ill, too. "

" ... is... that alright? "

@kodapi ;;

[foldingfittedsheets]

My beloved wife and I are both super careful with masking still since I’m a delicate thing but yesterday they started feeling Super Ick. They only got through half their patients before needing to come home. Covid test showed negative. They drank a ton of fluids and we’re quarantining from each other just in case.

I keep waiting to see if anything bad is descending on me and as I continue to be healthy I’m kinda like …stress is a real bitch. I feel like the new bed is just kicking both our asses and we haven’t had sufficient time to rest or spend together. Hopefully they wake up feeling better but we shall see.

[pluralthey]

ahh thank you so much for the detailed response (and I’m so sorry you lost the first draft that’s awful😭) !! this makes me realize I only know like bits n pieces of felix’s system’s details like each alter’s role and how they came to be, would it be possible for you to give a similar small overview of his system as you did for izzi’s?

Okay this one I tried saving as a draft to prevent history repeating itself and now it crashes the editor when I try to edit it on desktop lmao. i also found old summaries of them in my writing notes channel.

felix's system is less integrated than izzi's, obviously, but, it was never really as "intermixed" as hers; there's a gatekeeper to keep fronts and memories quarantined, and an elevator to represent the private separation of the front from the inner world.

this is felix, the host. they've hosted for like 7 years i think. prior to this they were an inner peacekeeper and comforter of the system. they are an introject of a stuffed animal felix had when they were very young, which they would periodically mutilate and seek to repair.

not identical, but they bear obvious resemblance to the toy that anyone would notice.

they're also a split from brigitte, and the stutterer in the system. there was a pretty famous less-than-ethical study about stuttering that showed children who had no stutters but were told that they did developed permanent lifelong stutters simply from being told that their identity was a stutterer -- that's felix

they're a people-pleaser, doormat, empathetic to a fault, and strive to be someone kind, soft but masculine, open-minded, and, most importantly, beloved by everyone-

old notes:

felix (affectionately called cho or chō by alter #2): felix is a genderfluid alter and current host of the system. they have hosted for about 6 years as of catharsis. prior to hosting, felix's function was a hybridization of an inner self helper and a caretaker. they know about the other alters extensively, but not completely, and operate well as a host due to their ability to mediate and their tolerance of stress. their appearance is an introjection of one of the only toys felix had as a young child, which they would reenact violent experiences and healing fantasies onto. although inner self helpers and caretakers are frequently seen as rather emotionally calm, alters are individuals even if they fit archetypical roles, and tend to individuate more and more if exposed to real life experiences. felix themself is fairly histrionic in terms of personality, partially due to an intrinsic part of their disposition, and partially due to a strong reactivity to passive influence within the system -- empathy once needed to efficiently caretake.

this is #2. she's the cohost of the system. while izzi's cohost might front 10% of the time, #2 can front up to 70% of the time on bad months, but closer to 40% of the time.

she's a foil to felix in many regards; her emotions are flattened or nonexistent, she has no drive to be social and no aesthetic inclinations, and she only cares about her reputation insofar as it's functionally necessary to maintain for efficient exchanges. like felix, though, she is a people-pleaser in a different way; with the identity of a robot, she has few hobbies and doesn't feel enjoyment about pretty much anything. her goals and actions are informed by what others want. her self-awareness about this identity was up for voting as a side comic plot iirc, but ultimately didn't take.

as a split from deadname, her core purpose is to protect the body, moreso than accomplishing goals she's told to accomplish. #2 is built more for assessing, reducing, and enduring chronic stress, allowing deadname to largely recede into unconsciousness outside of explosive episodes of Protector Rage during acutely stressful and threatening situations. had the split not happened, deadname would become unmotivated to protect from a constant barrage of stress, causing all stressful stimuli to blur into noise instead of coherent threats. deadname retains a technical ability to feel emotions, while #2 is completely removed from them on a conscious level to preserve her morale.

she is ironically a little more aware than deadname of the importance of emotional health to physical health as a result of her more regular sustained exposure to physical symptoms of stress. she coordinates scheduling systems for alters to all have a piece of the front if they want it, and is generally receptive to requests from other alters, even if the desires make no sense to her, for confusion matters to her as little as any other emotion. she's also a lesbian somehow.

old notes:

#2 (affectionately called "hon" by felix): co-host of the system, and a tried and true Apparently Normal Part, if the label were to apply to any alter. internally, she assists with mediation with duties similar to that of a secretary's, such as scheduling time for alters and work, maintaining appointments, fielding complaints, and gently enforcing rules. externally, she often fronts to take care of less emotionally demanding tasks, such as chores, errands, work shifts, appointments, etc. #2 has no traumatic memories, and is extremely level-headed. despite an intrinsic numbing effect attached to her identity, she has a sophisticated self-awareness, and has developed thorough emotional literacy for dealing with others. she finds emotionally arousing scenarios unpleasant, as feeling emotions causes a strong cognitive dissonance with her robot identity, and will subtly avoid them or people who cause them. also, she is a lesbian.

since i brought them up so many times while describing #2... this is deadname. they are not a split from anyone and one of the oldest alters of the system. they used to be the host prior to felix, and looked almost identical to the body.

over time, the stress of the circumstances eroded their identity down to the core motivation for hosting in the first place: a desire to protect the other parts. deadname is a fairly standard protector, and generally comes off as hostile toward the company of other alters and to fronting in general without necessarily bearing malice toward either. their physical and emotional sensations are dulled by a literal numbness, but, unlike #2, deadname is capable of feeling these things voluntarily without detrimental cognitive dissonance; they weren't always like that, and remember having a more normal relationship to these senses. to be dead, they had to be alive at some point.

old notes:

deadname is an agender protector alter, and the previous host of the system. at one point, they looked very similar to the body of the system, and their personality was closer to that of a peppy big sister. over the course of hosting during hard times to protect the rest of the system from suffering, this personality eroded into a jaded, bitter, depressed one. they hate other people and other alters -- #2 and felix are the only two to receive good graces as they have relieved deadname of their position as host, but deadname will become protective over any alter. their most intense and primary protectiveness still resides over the safety of the body. while many alters have their traumatic memories removed to keep them functioning, deadname retains all of their traumatic memories. a few alters split from deadname over time to maintain necessary functions that deadname had once performed as these functions came to conflict with the function of a protector. these alters do not remember the splits, although deadname does. deadname's identity was too eroded over time to be considered worth trying to repair to nero and saga, and, more importantly, they could still adequately perform their role as protector with the burden of the memories. deadname is expected not to talk about the traumas they have endured to other alters, and they usually only allude to something horrible happening, or their previous status as the Owner Of The Body. they have a special hatred for saga and nero because of this. as one of the oldest alters of the system, deadname is aware of its inner workings, various alters' roles, and where they came from. they have a fair amount of life experience (for an alter), and technically CAN offer beads of wisdom or emotional maturity; they just frequently choose not to.

the rest will only be the old notes because... because.

nero is the gatekeeper and system manager. he enforces stability in the system and safety in their outer life. he has the ability to force alters out of the front, as well as influencing and directly controlling them. he can access any alter's memories at any time without restriction. he also has the ability to alter and completely remove memories from other alters. however, due to his specific function within the system, he cannot actually front. nero is extremely ritualistic and favors rules and routine strongly. although fairly emotionless, he has a penchant for extreme anger, necessary to strictly enforce rules. his anger is usually only roused by perceived threats to safety, but wraith seems to be able to torment him successfully. due to his function existing at a crossroads between memories and schedules, nero works in tandem with both saga and #2, who maintain good graces with him (in addition to felix, who gets good graces for hosting).

saga is a memory holder alter, also genderfluid (in a way). saga holds not only traumatic memories personally experienced by them, but memories that are instinctively too intense and catastrophic to stay in their alter's consciousness. they are very, very rarely present in the front, and are detached from reality in many ways. they view memories and the system as fairy tales or a game to adequately cope with harboring such memories. extensive interaction with real life can cause them severe distress. saga is fairly benevolent, but because their role is inherently related to maintaining a smokescreen around other alters, their presence is usually considered a bad omen. they may continuously accost an alter innocuously before actively attempting to inculcate them into relinquishing awareness of a memory or avoiding triggers that they are unaware of solely to make this function less obvious. this can lead some of their behavior to seem "random" or bizarre. the snake tail saga possesses is a fragment alter they harbor with several memories too intense for saga alone to tolerate in their conscious awareness while still maintaining their function. the pseudo-integration of the fragment allows the two to feed into each other's motivations and thoughts seamlessly as one identity without being able to recall the memories of each other. saga also has a secretive and cooperative dynamic with nero, the gatekeeper.

vincent is another Apparently Normal Part whose original function was to maintain grades and participate in school as an untraumatized student. over time, the function became obsolete, and vincent's identity suffered damage when felix did not continue to college. still, he remains fairly active in bursts. he is a split from deadname, and, in addition to fulfilling the role of a good student, he took a large part of deadname's curiosity and wonder for the world, instilling in him a sense of playfulness, open-mindedness, and optimism. because he is a split, he benefits from deadname's ambivalence rather than outright hostility; he misreads this as friendliness between them, which deadname tolerates. vincent enjoys using writing as an intellectual and creative outlet, and maintains a free online serial called Time and Time Again about a motley crew of heroes who endure and fight against timeline fuckery. before this, he wrote fanfiction. he also enjoys reading, but because it is so time-consuming, and his free time is not that of an adult fully conscious at all times, he frequently watches media now instead. vincent also identifies as a different "species" -- just a regular human, as opposed to a cat. he finds fronting for too long unpleasant, and can react negatively to being exposed to too much unbroken awareness of the body's sensory system. related to this, vincent carries a more pronounced desire to try to be connected to his heritage and japanese culture. vincent has no traumatic memories, and he is consequently relatively mature and even-headed among the system members.

wraith is a female persecutor alter oriented around eating food.

wraith is a female persecutor alter oriented around eating food. she has absorbed the message that eating certain foods or certain amounts of foods makes her an evil person and runs with it. she is acutely aware of the body's hunger as well as other physical senses even when she is not fronting. wraith perceives her own motivation for eating food to compensate for other alters undereating as eating out of boredom or out of hedonistic desires. she antagonizes other alters, and plays multiplayer online video games as an outlet for her innate boredom and anger. felix is the only alter with whom she is on good terms, as felix often capitulates to, and actively seeks to accommodate, wraiths wants and needs. her antagonism towards him is much closer to pestering than tormenting.

(i don't know how to delete that text it won't let me SEND HELP--)

brigitte is a female Sexual Alter who bears the burden of trauma related to sexual abuse as well as misogyny and compulsory heterosexuality. brigitte is about as old as deadname as an alter. she also has extensive fronting experience, and several alters split from her as well. unlike deadname, brigitte's memory about these splits has been removed from her, and the alters that split from her. because her identity is formed so foundationally in trauma, the memories of some traumatic events are not removed from her; however, traumatic events unrelated to her primary roles have been removed from her consciousness. whether she is aware that her memories have been altered is ambiguous, but because of how long she has been in the system, it can probably be presumed she is at least somewhat aware of the dynamic, and displays a lack of fear for danger from knowing about this. brigitte is "goal-oriented" and strong-headed, and, unlike the other alters, will influence her environment to accommodate her role and identity instead of waiting to react to it. if she does not have enough influence over her environment, she simply won't continue to front. she has gone through lengthy periods of dormancy followed by short relationships that she ruins herself. over time, as the body has been altered by felix's transition and wraith's eating habits, brigitte has naturally fronted less and less. still... love finds a way, i guess......

romeo is a male persecutor alter whose primary role is to contain dysphoria and anxieties about masculinity. he can frequently but heads with felix out of a dislike for felix's softer kind of masculinity and emotional openness. he fronts somewhat frequently -- probably 3rd place for frequency. he handles some work shifts, and maintains his own friend group separate from felix. he is quick to anger, and struggles to see in a mature, nuanced way, frequently simplifying things to "good" or "bad." romeo has a strong desire for approval to validate his identity. he is more aware of his appearance at any given time than felix is. he willingly interacts with felix's friends, and co-fronting from romeo during felix's social times is not uncommon; this is, unfortunately, part of what causes conflict between them, as romeo wants to be viewed very differently from how felix needs to be viewed to feel Seen. among his own friends, romeo has a small group that he regularly lifts weights with. felix attends this group when romeo is not fronting as frequently for him.

it's over it's finally over that's all of them i'm free--

[wrongcaitlyn]

So I’m still hooked on the pollen oneshot but I’m even more interested in Cassie. Are her and Darren still friends and is she somehow involved in Kayla’s life as well? Like a sort of aunt? And will she ever appear again? Like imagine Darren telling her about how Apollo proposed and he turned him down and now boom, 20 years later we’re going to a pollen wedding and she’s the maid of honor lol.

sorry for being SO LATE TO THESE ASKSJDSF this week has been crazy hectic (aka one of those weeks where literally every teacher decides to give you two tests) but anyway!!!

CASSIE <33 my beloved <33 as you may know i kinda am really scared of adding oc's to fics but i felt like it was necessary for this one, just because darren has like... zero lore. and he needs a friend!!! i wanted cassie to kind of parallel will (in a platonic way) to nico, as in, her family is the one that has sort of taken in darren as one of their own over the years :)

her and darren are absolutely still friends!! neither of them qualified for the 2004 olympics, but darren was on the backup team and still went to athens whereas cassie stayed back in toronto. she is most DEFINITELY there for kayla as an aunt, but mainly just in those early years - a few laters, her parents will unfortunately pass away (sorry, plot reasons bc otherwise they would've 100% taken kayla in as one of their own), and i think she's very much a free spirit, one of her favorite parts of being a competitive archer is traveling across the world. so after that (like, when kayla is around four or so), she packs her bags and starts to travel :) though i dont have many things completely set in stone for her, i think that she had gone to college for sports journalism, but after seeing the way that the press just tore apart her best friend, she switched to starting her own travel blog and decided to do that from then on (plus, let's just say that her parents were pretty well off. she had the money to do it) - now, she's the aunt that kayla sees on holidays and that spoils her with a bunch of different gifts and souvenirs <3

she will definitely be appearing in the next fic bc well,, quarantine doesn't lend much freedom to travel. and her and darren are most definitely still in contact!!! the kind of whirlwind emotions they went through together from the olympics to the whole apollo situation creates a bond that lasts. she is most DEFINITELY still not apollo's #1 fan (actually his #1 hater, and was most definitely quesitoning darren's sanity when he said that apollo would take in kayla for a few years, full on saying "i will literally fly back to toronto and settle down to watch over kayla if you want to start coaching rather than have you send kayla to that guy." darren doesn't listen, ofc)

no spoilers, but i can say that apollo and cassie will have another meeting. and cassie will NOT be having nice things to say to him. yk i love my greek mythology references, apollo and cassandra are never rlly gonna be on good terms are they? (but she will put aside her personal resentment when seeing darren truly happy - that's all she really wants for him)