#not like. ranting about his straightness in the notes lmao

[asterdeer]

the notes on the queer sam poll are so interesting (derogatory) because the straight sam truthers mostly say some variation of “sam has never fucked or wanted to fuck a man in his life” whilst queer sam truthers are mostly mentioning asexuality/aspec identities, trans/nonbinary headcanons, and trauma and identity struggles. which is to say that of course the people in the poll who actually give a shit about sam winchester are (in general) the people who have internalized the idea that “queer” is a much broader, nuanced thing than just saying “he doesn’t to want to fuck dudes.” of COURSE. and i will never understand how Loud people love to be about hating sam so much.

[delusionalwh6re]

a helping hand

aged up!neteyam x fem omatikaya!reader

summary: it’s late at night and you’re struggling. not only can you not fall asleep but there’s a sudden ache in your core. now what type of mate would neteyam be if he didn’t help you?

warnings: 🔞NEASSTYY smut, masterbation, fingering, missionary, riding, doggystyle, p in v, squirting, can’t spell mother without mo’at, neteyam being jumpscared but then turn into a freak, reader has no shame, & dirty talk

authore note: i had a daydream abt this and needed it come to life 😫 (unlike neteyam) & yall if i make a taglist would anyone wanna be apart of it LMAO 🧍🏽‍♀️hope this makes up for my mini absence on not posting 😇

bye this took forever.. guys pls don’t be shy, i loveeee any type of feedback 🥲

You let out a long sigh in exhaustion as you dropped the second batch of medicine you just made. You couldn’t understand what was going on with you. This was happening all day today, constant screw ups and honestly you were over it.

Inhaling a deep breath in attempt to calm yourself, you started cleaning up the herbs. As you were cleaning up, you failed to notice the presence of your tsahík making you slightly startled.

“What is this?” Mo’at gestured to the mess on the floor. Your cheeks heated up in embarrassment and you squeaked out a little “Hi”

She sighed and walked over to your kneeling position. You pursed your lips feeling disappointed in yourself. “My child” Mo’at grabbed you from out of your thoughts “You need to relax”

Your tensed shoulders slowly started easing at her words. “I apologize” you muttered respectfully. “It is alright dear, now tell me what is bothering you” she walked in front of you putting her hands out for you to grab. With her words of encouragement, you picked yourself off of the ground. Avoiding her cold harden gaze you felt your emotions rushing back to you.

While looking around the healing tent your eyes accidentally landed on hers. Her eyes piercing directly into yours commanding an answer.

“I feel like a failure” you finally admitted. “What makes you feel that way?” she questioned motioning you to sit on the mat beside her.

“Many women in the past have succeeded beyond my level. Why am I so far behind? I should be able to do this, how can i ever be tsahík if I can’t complete a simple task such as making medicine?” you huffed in frustration after your rant. Mo’at gave you an understanding look before taking her hands in yours “Child, it takes time” she started “but I don’t have much time! Neteyam is granted to be olo’eyktan soon and-” you stated before it was her turn to cut you off.

“What does Neteyam becoming olo’eyktan soon have to do with any of this?” she squinted her eyes at you. “He is my mate” you shrugged. “Exactly , he is your mate, not your conjoined twin!” she exclaimed causing you to let out a breathy chuckle.

“The two of you are completely different people. His learning pace is different than yours and that is okay. Neteyam has been training since he was in the womb, he’s meant for this” your eyes landed on hers as you digested what she was saying. “You on the other hand, have not. You didn’t expect to mate with my grandson but I am glad that you did” she looked you up and down with a sigh of relief.

“Why you say it like that?” you laughed at her sudden look of disapproval. She looked at you with a straight face “I was afraid our village would’ve come to doom had Neteyam picked any of those thirsty women, I don’t know how their mothers do it” she spoke with an eye roll at the memory of many annoying girls trying to get neteyam to court them.

‘What a time’ you thought. Before you and neteyam had become mates, when the two of you were just friends. Time had really gone fast.

Mo’at noticed your dazed out expression knowing you were thinking about your progressive relationship with her grandson. She smiled seeing a bit of herself in you when she had her own mate. She used to be in this exact situation which is why she was able to relate to you.

Snatching you out of your thoughts once again she spoke up breaking the newfound comfortable silence “I used to be in your exact position” your attention went back on her with hopeful eyes “For real? but you’re the best tsahik we’ve ever had” you rambled “I know” she smiled in pride causing you to giggle.

“My point is, practice makes perfect. That is a term i have learned from the sky people here and it is one of the only things they said that are true. You will not get it the first tries, but don’t give up and keep going. Success will come your way, my child” she nodded her head at you in approval

You nodded your head back and felt a sudden rush of confidence run through you. If Mo’at who was honestly one of the strongest people you knew was able to run this clan, so could you.

“You give me hope Ma’ Tsahík” you smiled at her gently squeezing her hands “Oh please, we discussed this, you can call me grandmother” you placed your arms around her for a well needed hug. She tensed before relaxing as she hugged you back with genuine love.

“Besides, I have hopes that there will soon be little ones calling me great grandmother” she pulled away with a smirk and hope glistening in her eyes. A blush crept onto your cheek before laughing at what she was implying “You’re funny”

She began walking you towards the makeshift door to exit out of the healing tent as you discussed your plans for tomorrow. Your ikran landing on a nearby cliff after sensing your presence. Before you were able to fully leave Mo’at reminded you of something “Don’t forget the war party returns tonight, I will not be present but will you able to make sure everyone is in one piece?”

Your eyes widened in realization, Neteyam was returning in a few hours. He had went on a one week hunting trip and you had been missing him like crazy. How could you forget? You figured spending time with Mo’at and being occupied your mind had let that slip.

“Fuck” you mumbled. “Yes! I can do that don’t worry! I’ll see you tomorrow grandmother. Take some rest you deserve it” you yelled out as you sprinted towards your ikran to go home.

You had spent all day at the healing tent that you had no time to prepare for Neteyam’s return. Even though he told you multiple times that as long as you were there he is more than satisfied and he just needed to be wrapped around you.

However, you were still insistent on setting atleast something up for him, what kind of wife would you be? Neteyam was the best husband any one could ever asked for. Always putting you and others above himself, making several sacrifices and just being overall selfless. So you had no problem with being a little housewife.

Once your ikran had landed at the home that Neteyam literally built for your future family. You felt your body getting excited at his soon to come arrival, you had missed your man dearly and you knew once you were in his arms all your problems will disappear.

“My love? I’m home” Neteyam called out as he walked through the door. Immediately frowning once he didn’t see you, however he did notice several candles lit up so he knew you were home.

Walking towards the candles he also noticed a platter of his favorite foods. A smile emerged on his face he bent down to sit as he waited for you since he was sure you would reveal yourself any second. His guess was correct as you slowly appeared in the makeshift door way of your home in a newly made outfit “Welcome home handsome”

Neteyam’s ears perked up at the sound of your voice and your scent. Turning around to finally have a look as his eyes widened. Your azure skin was complimented by green and blue jewels. Your loincloth and top were scattered with them, along with small purple crystals dangling from the pieces. Your cleavage was on display just for him but also not enough in order to tease him. You took your braids out so your hair had the most perfect waves which was a style you knew Neteyam adored.

The forest inspired outfit you had done left him completely star struck. You were the most beautiful woman he had ever laid his eyes on, and you were all for him. He was so in awe of you he didn’t even notice you were now sat next to him until you said something.

“Handsome you alright? Welcome home” you placed a hand on his cheek before placing a gentle but loving kiss on his lips. He decided to make a move by tilting his head to deepen the kiss, slickly sliding his tongue once you let out a small gasp into his mouth. You giggled into the kiss at his antics causing him to giggle with you before he playfully bit your lip with a smirk.

The two of you leaned away to finally look into the other’s eyes. His eyes were full with so much love you swore they would’ve burst. “Hi beautiful” he rubbed your cheek softly. You nuzzled your face into his hand with a contented sigh finally feeling at peace.

Your gaze met his as a sigh left his mouth. “What is it?” you lifted your head. He stared at you not saying anything. You started becoming nervous under his gaze and debated whether this was too much or not. You were about to speak up about his behavior until he beat you to it.

“You’re just so” he paused to take another moment to admire you “so so beautiful” his voice lowered as his eyes trailed downwards. A heat started to spread across your cheeks as you smiled at him.

For he rest of the night the two of you caught up on everything. He explained how he made several successful kills during the hunt leading to you giving him kisses in reward as you praised him. On the other hand, you came clean to him about how your tsahík training was actually going. He could tell you were very stressed out, encouraging you to take your time and not worry because he will be by your side every step of the way.

Your mind was racing with thoughts as Neteyam peacefully slept on your chest. The two of you cuddled up on your shared bed. After talking for a few hours, time caught up to Neteyam and his tiredness consumed him. You were very understanding and insisted on him getting some rest, even including yourself by laying with him.

But as time went on you couldn’t help but think about the time he was gone. How many nights you were forced to fall asleep without a release. As you debated with yourself on what to do, your mind eventually came to a conclusion. Trying to be as quiet as possible, you gently pushed Neteyam of you, still beside him so he wouldn’t wake up, while slowly trailing your hand down your loincloth.

You were so close. The pit of your stomach tightening more and more with each flick to your clit. It was like you were running to the finish line in slow motion, yet almost there. In just a couple of seconds that knot would finally snapped and you would be stress free. Which is what you desperately needed.

So caught up in your own bliss you didn’t realize the movement from beside you, right when your core was at its peak your fingers stopped at what you heard, losing your hard worked orgasm.

“What are you doing?” Neteyam asked in a quiet voice staring at the side of your face. Your heart physically stopped and dropped for a second. Eywa please say this was just a dream, but no, this was actually a nightmare.

You heard shuffling next to you and finally got the courage to look over at him only to be met with a blank stare “Go ‘head, continue” he licked his lips looking you up and down

You shook your head as frustrated tears filled your eyes. He chuckled before looking down in disbelief “Nah, you wanted to touch yourself right? So finish before I do it for you”

At his words you swore your orgasm would’ve just shot right out of you despite no physical contact, his words just had that affect on you. You bit your lip in anticipation as you pulled your hand away from your pussy and spread your legs further

“Please” you whimpered looking up at him desperately. “Please what baby?” his head tilted as he caressed your cheek lovingly. “Touch me” you whispered dragging his other hand down to your now dripping cunt. He snarled before cupping your pussy while slightly grinding his palm against your throbbing clit.

“Oh I’m gonna do more than touch you, just wait” he smiled before leaning over to kiss a trail across your stomach. Your breath hitched, you were in for it now. “Neteyam” you whined as his lips got more aggressive on your skin. “A week without my attention and you just don’t know how to act, huh?” he shook his head. Your breath got caught in your throat “That’s not true” your voice was barely a whisper.

“It’s not? Over here touchin’ yourself while i’m sleeping right there. You wanted to get caught, didn’t you yawne?” he hovered over you

“Maybe” you bit your lip seductively as the excitement of all of this grew inside of you

He dragged a finger along your slit, gathering up some already built up slick. “All you gotta do is think ‘bout me huh?” he asked looking up at you. “And look at you” you replied cheeky with a lopsided grin. Deciding to be bold, you grabbed onto his hand to press it against your soaked pussy.

“This is what you do to me Neteyam” you moved his hand up and down slowly as wet sounds started filling up the room. He growled as he inhaled your scent “dirty girl”

You laughed breathless as your previous orgasm slowly approached you again. Neteyam, being an expert in your body language already knew this as he continued to watch you, allowing you to use him for pleasure. It’s what you been doing while he was away anyways.

He licked his lips before trailing kisses all over your body. Starting from your cheek, to your neck, then your chest and as he moved downwards his kisses became more aggressive on your stomach. Each time a kiss ended a ‘pop’ would be heard.

You gasped when his slender finger suddenly slipped in, a smirk on his face. He curled his finger at the perfect angle, hitting that squishy spot inside of you that he knew always drove you crazy.

“Oh! I’m so close” you whimpered within seconds. Neteyam helping you reach your peak with ease. “Go ‘head, let it out” he sloppily kissed your clit. At the much needed contact your orgasm flowed right through you. Your mouth opened as a silent scream left you.

“Yeah, yeah make that pussy squirt for me” he spoke lowly rubbing your puffy clit at a fast pace to work you through your orgasm. “Teyam” you whined trying to close your thighs around his hand.

“Unt unt, no, we’re not done” he sat up looking down at you. Your eyes widened as you watched his hands move towards his loincloth to untie it. You inhaled a deep breath at the sight of his cock now in your view. He loosened his loincloth completely as it was now pooled at the bottom of thighs, removing it entirely and throwing it across the room.

“You’ve been so, so greedy. Tell me, do you want it slow or for me to fuck you like I’ve been dying to do?” his voice came out raspy as he placed lighthearted kisses against your neck.

Your body stiffened, your words getting stuck in your throat as you didn’t know what to say. “I-I- just need you Teyam. So bad” you whined.

“How bad baby?” his eyes met yours as he stroked his cock directly in front of your warm sex. His bottom lip was trapped between his teeth, a wet sound could be heard from the amount of pre cum gathered on his tip. You were so incredibly turned on by him, your body proving that as your cunt clenched around nothing.

“So bad, I want-need you to destroy me.” you ran your hands across his chest. “Fuck me until i have nothing left to give, stuff me to the brim, I want it all, I can take it. I’ll be your good girl, I promise” and if he wasn’t already turned on by just the pure sight of you the words that left your mouth was enough for him to slide his dick inside of you.

The both of you let out long moans at the familiar feeling. Having to be away from each other for a long period of time was hard, but now you guys were together, intertwined.

“Fuuuckk” he moaned looking down at the source of pleasure. You whined and brought your legs to wrap around his waist, bringing him closer to place kisses all over his face.

“I’m all yours, all yours” you whispered in his ear before kissing it gently

“Yeah? You’re all mine? Say that shit again”

“I’m all yours neteyam” a whine leaving your mouth as he grinded on top of you creating the perfect amount of friction

He purred quietly at your words, nuzzling the side of his face into yours and bringing you into a much needed kiss. Causing you to mumble against his lips “I love you”

“I love you more” he placed his hands onto your hips. “You gonna let me fuck you? You’re gonna be good and take it right? he sat up to look down at you.

You pushed your hips up, hoping to answer his question. Circling your hips to feel some friction as he bottomed out inside of you, smirking at him.

Finally feeling satisfied with your response, he started to move. “Shit” he groaned as he felt your sticky walls contract around him. He smirked at your not so slick antics before starting to thrust inside of you. Your whines started to fill up the room along with quiet slapping noises. “Oh Neteyam!” you moaned out scratching his back.

“I been waiting to fuck you for so long baby, I’m right here” he growled in your ear, placing one of his hands on your hips to steady his harsh thrusts.

You started letting out soft moans feeling him go deeper and deeper, your juices making it easier for him to hit spots inside of you only he could reach.

You screamed as his hands made its way behind your thighs to hold them up in the air. Taking this as a sign, your hands replaced his as you now held onto the back of your thighs. “Good girl” he mumbled drilling his dick inside of you

“Mhm, dick- so, so good, yes!” you babbled out complete nonsense but he knew what you were trying to say. “This dick is just soooo good, huh?” he chuckled teasingly

His pace was becoming almost painful but in the most pleasurable way possible as he continued fucking you relentlessly. Pushing your thighs all the up so they were pressed firmly against your chest. Completely folding you just the way he wanted, not having any mercy on you or your poor cunt.

The most obscene sounds consuming the room, all that could be heard is skin slapping, your fucked out screams and his grunts.

“Ugh, don’t stop! Right there, Oh right there!” you whimpered as he jackhammered your pussy

“I’m not gonna stop my love, this pussy is way too good” he mumbled rolling his hips into you as his thrusts became sloppy. You felt your stomach tightening and your cunt clenching rapidly as a signal you were close.

“You’re gonna make me cum” you moaned as you held onto him for dear life. he reached down to be face to face with you before whispering in your ear “Then cum my love”

At his words you completely let go with a scream as you threw your head back. Your orgasm leaked out of you making your privates even wetter. You weren’t embarrassed per say, but every time this happens you kind of shy away from it. Neteyam on the other hand never did and he found it so attractive, he was the only one who got you like this.

“We made a mess baby” he smirked before looking down between your bodies. ”I know” your cheeks heated up and you looked up away from him. “Nah, don’t be shy now” he laughed at you before leaning up to pull out of you, he assumed you were tired and wanted to call it quits, but oh your man just had no idea how badly you really needed him.

Within a couple of seconds, he was laid out on his back with you hovering over him. Your plump lips slightly swollen from the amount of kisses and moaning, the tits that he loved so much on a perfect eye level so he could trail his tongue around your sensitive nipples, your slim waist that he loved so much, fuck. you were truly a goddess on display.

“You’re so sexy” you moaned biting your lip as you rubbed your sensitive clit on his abs making them tense. Not that he was completely on soft anyways, but now he was rock hard again.

“Don’t play with me babe, if you wanna do something then do it” he smirked at you before he placed his bottom lip between his teeth. You smiled at him with pure adoration before reaching behind you to grab his wet cock to line it up with your drenched hole.

Sinking down onto him with a contented sigh, the familiar feeling of his dick filling you up once again. Light moans from you and Neteyam filling up the hut. A hum from Neteyam catching your attention, his head firm against the pillow as his mouth slowly formed in an ‘O’ shape.

You felt your insides tingling knowing you were the reason because of that, bringing him pleasure. Catching him out of a trance you rolled your pelvis against his, his tip kissing your g spot perfectly.

“Baby” he whispered lowly as his eyes were hooded as he looked at you. “Yes?” You smiled bringing a hand to his neck up to his cheek. “C’mon” he impatiently moved your hips back and forth signaling what he wanted

With a proud smirk on your face, you made sure your knees were placed firmly beside his hips while perching yourself on your tippy toes for balance. “Ready?” you adjusted to his size

“Always” he cockily bit his lip and closed his eyes as he began to relax while you fucked him. Gathering up the confidence, you pushed your hips up until his throbbing tip was the only thing inside of you before slamming back down.

A loud moan left the both of you. You looked at Neteyam through your lashes; his eyes slightly rolling to the back of his head, he was enjoying this. Repeating the same action, each time a perfect stroke against your g spot causing you to cry out and drip. After gaining some rhythm with your hips, you were riding him like there was no tomorrow.

“Hmm, oh my gosh” you moaned loudly throwing your head back as you slammed down onto him harder, the pleasure consuming all parts of your body and you didn’t want it to stop. “So fucking- ugh” he was cut off when you started to circle your hips.

You leaned forward placing your hands beside his head as you placed your mouth by his ear. He smiled up at you before putting a hand on your lower back. Deciding to be bold, you moved your hips in a specific motion which led to his eyes widening in realization.

“Told you I’m all yours baby” you whined in his ear as you continued spelling his name with your hips

He placed a hard spank on your ass, a chuckle leaving his lips “Damn right you are, no one is ever fucking you the way I do right?”

You let out a moan once his hips roughly thrusted towards yours, him meeting your thrust more than half way. “Answer me” he demanded forcing your hips up and down. “N-no!” your voice shook as your guts got played in

“Neteyaaam” you moaned as your legs were starting to give out from his harsh thrusts. “Gonna cum, hm?” he trialed his thick tongue around your perky nipples, a bolt of electricity running through you due to the amount of pleasure.

“Yes! Yes please let me cum” you begged placing your hands on his shoulders. “I was never gonna deny you release baby” he laughed at your vulnerable state, clearly amused at how much you really needed him to fuck some brain cells back into you.

“Mhm, turn around” he moaned giving your ass a hard smack before gripping it gently. You gave him a smirk before placing your hands on his chest for balance while getting off of him. Turning around, making sure to give him a perfect view, your round ass on display just for him along with your slick pussy lips. He moaned at the sight before placing another firm slap on the flesh.

You giggled while sliding back on his thick cock that was desperately waiting for your dripping cunt “My ass is gonna fall off with how much you smack it”

“I don’t give a fuck, it’s mine right?” he smiled behind your back while gripping the flesh tightly with both hands. “Obsessed” you mumbled before leaning forward to place your hands on his knees for balance as you began going crazy on top of him.

“Yeah put it on me, juuuuusst like that” he moaned watching your ass ripple against his pelvis. “Oh! Mhm, I- FUCK!” you screamed using all your force to slam down onto him. Your eyes crossing as his warm sack met your clit.

“Damn mama” Neteyam looked in awe as strings of your juices started to create lines all over your privates; moans getting louder as the both of you approached your peaks.

“I’m gonna fucking cum” your voice getting higher after each word from every thrust into your core. “S-Same time baby” he stuttered holding onto your hips as the knot in his stomach finally unraveled.

His seed flowing through you was enough to trigger your own orgasm as you let go on top of him. Your guys’ cum now mixed together pooled all over each other’s thighs.

Your breathing slowly became steady as your legs staggered while trying to get off of him. “Let me help you” a raspy voice was heard behind you. However, it wasn’t long until you were set up face down ass up.

“You’re actually trying to kill me” you muttered turning your head to look back at Neteyam. “Kill the cat” he winked at you while playing with your swaying tail.

You bit back a smile before pushing your ass back onto him; making sure to hold eye contact with him the whole time. An obvious smirk on your lips as you teased him.

You were caught off guard by a stinging pain on your right cheek. “You know what-” you started before being caught off by a harsh thrust into your cunt.

Neteyam set a merciless rhythm from the beginning. He was determined to have you worn out by the end of this round, wanting you to sleep real good in his arms tonight which is right where you belonged.

“NETEYAM!” you screamed plunging your face into the sheets as you gripped onto them tightly causing your knuckles to turn white. “I really wish you could see this baby” he groaned watching himself go in and out

“Oh great mother! Yes!” you moaned as he impaled you from behind; another orgasm quickly approaching unsurprisingly. “Yeah? You wanna see this too right?” he gripped your hips

“Mhm, baby please” you didn’t know what you were saying please for but both of you had an idea that you just didn’t want him to stop. He laughed “Maybe next time I should just take one of those cameras then, could just make our own movie, so every time I’m away you’ll have something. Keep you in check of exactly who this pussy belongs to”

You moaned loudly at his words and clenched around him tightly as you came on him for the third time tonight. “That’s what the fuck I’m talking ‘bout!” he bit his bottom lip; tugging on your hair to lift you up.

Your eyes rolled into the back of your head as his pace increased. With every firm thrust he sent you he smashed against your sweet spot that had you trembling “I-I caaan’t”

“You can take it though right? Wanna be big and bad every other time” he mumbled under his breath now rolling his hips into you; his pace changing to slow but deeper

“Too big” you whispered as your thighs shook. He bit his lips admiring your form before planting kisses all over your back “I want you to think of everything I just did to you the next time you touch yourself, you hear me?”

You nodded your head letting out a soft moan “Babeee, I can’t stop cumming, feel so full, feels so fucking good”

He soothed your cries with a gentle rub on your ass to calm you “I got you, just let it out, you been good like you promised”

“I love you, Neteyam! I love you soo much” you sobbed as he picked up his pace again in attempt to make both of you guys cum. His dick bullying its way all throughout your stomach, hitting all of the right places.

“I love you sooo much more, beautiful. Cum all over this dick, you deserve it” he spoke softly tightening his grip on your hair.

You came with a cry of his name, your jaw dropping as pleasure washed over you for the fifth time in a row. Your body slowly giving up on you, but a smile was plastered on your face as you got what you’ve desperately been wanting.

“Shiiit” he whimpered as your juices ran down your body getting his cock wetter than before; the position you were in not helping at all as he looked down before suddenly busting his load inside of you.

You hummed in satisfaction as you rolled your hips back towards his still ones, letting the moment die down peacefully. As exhaustion washed over the both of you, it was time to cuddle up. Neteyam got up to go across the room to clean you up with gentleness and care. You even cleaned him up aswell leading to you guys being extra lovey dovey with one another.

The two of you were inseparable. Now finally settled in your shared home, in bed, peacefully. Your queues now connected together as you guys let your minds speak to each other, letting the other know how much they were loved.

In the end it was all worth it…

[claraswritings]

Conversation

Pairing: Jamie Tartt x Reader

Warnings: spoilers for S1 and S2, miscommunication, (kind of) enemies to lovers, language, a few plot changes, mutual pining and one or two mentions of Jamie’s dad being a prick. Also I accidentally wrote something in this that is minorly similar to a scene in S3…but I wrote that bit AGES ago. Just signposting it as last time I didn’t someone got shitty with me

Notes: this is so much longer than I planned lmao so that explains why it took so long to post. Also not betad or spellchecked yet as it’s late here!

I don’t even know if I like this… I might delete this…

Title inspired by Conversation by Catfish and the Bottlemen

**

You’d been the player liaison officer at AFC Richmond for two years and for the most part, you loved your job. A lot of it involved what was referred to as “general life admin” for the players, as you sorted out everything from banks to home viewings to car collections to visas to schools for players with kids.

Most people would think looking out for a bunch of millionaire footballers would be a stressful job but you didn’t mind. The players had, for the most part, always been nice and you’d even started helping to show the new signings around, offering to recommend them restaurants or bars and you’d even become friendly with a few of them over the course of your time at the club.

Or at least until you encountered the clubs new loan signing. It had taken four weeks of his season long loan before you’d first spoken to him, and from the ten minutes he’d spent in your office, you’d gotten the same impression everyone did of him.

Jamie Tartt was undoubtedly the one of the biggest pricks you’d ever met .

Twenty minutes later than agreed, he’d sauntered in to your office, moaning about his teammates, discard the print offs of flats and houses you’d spent ages looking into for him, grabbed a card with the requested time and date of a collection of an Aston Martin you’d arranged for him without so much as a thank you, before asking if you could fix a modelling gig for him. With your arms folded across your chest, you’d firmly told him that was you were player liaison and not PR and that there was no way you’d be arranging his shirtless photoshoots or his latest perfume ad and he’d left with a comment about your job being “pointless” leaving your door wide open.

***

The next time you spoke to him was when he’d let a door swing in your face, as he stormed through the car park still furious after the loss to Crystal Palace. You held back from walking out as you could over hear him rant to the reporter from the Independent about…everything. An exclusive straight from the car park, Jamie Tartt was a journalists dream.

“Hey.” You caught up to him in the car park, “Talking to the press? Really?”

“Do I know you?” Jamie stared at you with a blank expression “Are you a fan? How did you get in here? You want a picture or something?”

“A fan? Of you? No. I work for the club. I’m the one that arranged your car, your flat, your VIP booth at the bar you’re off to. Most people say you’re welcome by the way.” You waved an arm in the direction of his sports car.

“Right.” Jamie continued to stare at you like you’d grown a second head before shrugging “Did you need something?”

Un-fucking-believable. In that moment, you’d never disliked him more.

You considered telling him how stupid it was to run his mouth off to the press, how much it would hurt his teammates, his manager, the fans to hear their star player dragging the club down but as you watched him chew his gum so casually, you realised he didn’t care and it was too late, and it was probably too late. Trent Crimm was already heading back to his car, statement no doubt being composed and ready for the morning papers but it was doubtful Jamie even registered anything other than himself and his massive ego. How could you possibly expect him to care about anyone else.

“Nothing. Doesn’t matter. Don’t think you’d understand it. Have a nice night.” You turned on your heel and were safe inside your own car before you finished the sentence “Prick.”

***

Ever since your little argument in the car park, you’d made it your absolute resolution to keep your contact with him to the bare minimum until the end of his loan when he’d become whatever poor player liaison officer Man City had.

You managed this pretty effectively being that he’d decided not to train until you’d received a call from your boss late into the evening one night asking you to come by the training ground. Usually a call in the evening was one of the new players wants a dinner reservation and didn’t know where to book or occasionally ordering a cab when one of the players had forgotten what hotel they were staying in the night before a game.

You absolutely not been expecting it to be ‘please can you swing by Colins and get his spare car keys…’ Nonetheless you’d agreed.

The scene unfolding before you when arrived the training ground was like something out of a fever dream. The players celebrating on the training pitch, a burning bin obviously a major part of whatever bonding exercise Coach Lasso had come up with. A scan of the field resulted no sign of Colin. You could see Dani Rojas, running around with Bumbercatch and Richard as if he hadn’t just been in the treatment room a mere 24 hours ago and Issac downing the last of a bottle of Mezcal back and forth with Richard whilst Ted and Beard watched on, laughing as Zoreaux choked on a swig of the liquor.

Nearest you and staring into the fire, beer bottle in hand, was the last person you wanted to see. Jamie Tartt. Of course it was. It would be so typical of your luck that it would be.

“Colin about?” You resolved yourself to asking him, wiggling your hand as the spare key jangled between your fingers. “Got to give him these.”

“Inside.” Jamie nodded “He’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Humming in acknowledgment, your eyes fell to the flaming bin and curiosity got the better of you and you had to ask “Do I want to ask how he lost his keys?”

“Burnt them in that.” Jamie gestured at the flames he was staring at. When you didn’t reply, his eyes found their way to yours and he explained the whole process.

“Oh.” You were surprised. “I didn’t think team bonding would have been your thing.”

Jamie hesitated. He couldn’t argue. You were right, he hadn’t been much of a team player

“I wasn’t gonna but…thought maybe I should show my face” he shrugged, hoping you wouldn’t question his bravado. He pointed at the fire. “Do you wanna throw something in? Everyone else has.”

“I think it’s already worked…” you gestured with your arm at the field. “but yeah why not?”

You thought for a moment… you hadn’t brought anything except your phone and your own keys which… you didn’t fancy throwing in. Unlike Colin you’d have to walk home and get your spare set and walk back to the car park, which wasn’t particularly appealing in the dark.

Suddenly an idea struck you, you unclipped your necklace and extended out your hand, letting it slip, dangling in your fingertips for a few seconds before dropping it. “Hopefully this helps with the luck.”

“You don’t need luck if I’m playing.” Jame replied, a smirk on his lips. You held off rolling your eyes at his cockiness. Sometimes you really didn’t get him. Mere seconds before you’d been having a semblance of a civil conversation and then he was right back to arrogant arsehole.

“What is it?” He questioned. It had to be the first time he’d asked you anything about yourself.

“Necklace. It was my nan’s… she…died when I was 15.”

“Oh shit sorry.” It was probably the most sincere you’d ever heard him. If it had came out of anyone else’s mouth, you might have bought it as genuine. “Wasnt like anything bad, was it?”

“It was a long time ago, she was sick for a long time and…” you stopped yourself suddenly aware that this was Jamie Tartt you were talking to and any minute now, he’d probably resume his usual self centred personality. “Sorry, long story short, she passed away a while ago but… I don’t think she’d mind. Grandad was a Richmond fan.”

“What did you…put in?” you asked, swiftly changing the subject. You were half expecting the answer to be his little black book of desperate instagram girls or some signed picture of himself from one of his many magazine photoshoots. It would after all be completely on-brand for him.

“Erm…football boots, ones my mum got me. She got me into playing…” he said it trying to be casual and keep his cool. “She just wants me to enjoy playing yeah? So good motivation and that”

“I’m sure she’d be really happy for you, Jamie.” You looked over to where Colin was remerging back from the building looking extremely relived to see you. “I have to go give these to Colin. It’s why I was called out here in the first place. Have a good night.”

Truth be told, you were a little skeptical. Of both the ritual and of Jamie showing an interest in anyone else other than himself but you figured if the whole team had given the ritual a chance, maybe just maybe, Jamie Tartt had developed the capacity to care about other people.

You found out the next morning that he was on his way back to Man City when you’d received an email from his agent asking you to arrange termination of his house rental agreement

***short time skip***

When your doorbell had gone off late into Saturday afternoon a few weeks later, Jamie Tartt had been the last person you expected to see.

“Richmond said you had the stuff from my locker.” He said, leaning instantly on the door frame as soon as you answered without so much as a hello. “Said you was going to send it to the guy who does whatever it is you do at City but I called Issac, Jeff and Keeley and they’re all busy so thought come get it. Nothing better to do.”

A house visit hadn’t been on the agenda but you figured it was marginally less awkward than him swinging by the training ground so you’d taken it and had been talking to the player liaison officer at City making arrangements to send it up.

“Well I’m flattered to be your fourth choice. Coincidentally probably your first words to Pep.” You couldn’t resist the dig. Ever since he’d left, Richmond had struggled but being that he was now Man City’s problem you didn’t have to mince your words.

“Yeah well, I’ll be first choice soon. Scored today didn’t I…,” he clicked his tongue and gestured at himself. “Best goal of the match as well.”

“Wouldn’t know. I was watching Richmond.” You folded one arm over the other. A part of you enjoyed the flicker of surprise that crossed his face, but you gave him a tight smile as a somewhat attempt to be civil.

“Heard old man Roy scored yesterday. Must have taken it out of him.” Jamie rested back on the heels of his expensive trainers “Bet he’s gonna be in that ice bath for hours.”

You ignored the dig at the Richmond captain “Had the game of his life actually…like someone turned back the clock. Heard from Sam that Nate had some real words of wisdom.”

“Nate? Nathan? The kitman?” Jamie’s eyebrows furrowed as he stared at you in shock. “We thinking of the same guy? Him!?”

You laughed, knowing that the idea of Nate who always seemed so unassuming and quiet giving Roy Kent, footballing legend, a piece of his mind was crazy. If you’d heard it from anyone other than Sam, you’d probably have thought it was an elaborate joke.

“Apparently so.”

“Fucking hell.” His eyebrows shot up “Kinda wish I’d seen the old man’s reaction.”

“Yeah well…you weren’t…I’ll get your stuff. Probably a bit weird for you…being at a woman’s door when you haven’t slept with her.” You tapped on the door and grimaced. You knew the team would miss Jamie for his ability on the pitch.

Jamie shrugged, before he was distracted by his reflection in the window. He adjusted a stray hair then slowly turned back as of pulling his gaze away from himself was particularly tough “You would though wouldn’t you?”

A singular laugh left your throat coming out harshly. “No. Nothing personal…Zoolander” you paused as you realised that wasn’t completely honest. “Well its a little personal…but…I don’t date footballers. Went out with one once. Played for another club. Was at my friends for a weekend. He slept with six other women in two days.”

Jamie pursed his lips and let out a low whistle almost like he was impressed.

“What’s that…Rookie numbers for you?” You called over your shoulder as you stepped to the side of the door to pick up the box that had been sitting in your hallway for the past week and a half.

“Nah…even I’m not that bad” He clicked his tongue and winked “Most of the time.”

“How lovely.” You deadpanned turning back to him. “Suppose you slow down once you run out of every woman in SW16?”

Jamie looked you up and down “You always like this? All Cruella DeVille and that”

Ignoring his playground like insult, you moved one hand back to the door handle, the box balanced on your hip with the other. You were hoping you’d be able to close the door quickly and force him to go off elsewhere. “You left my club, I’m allowed to be a little mean to you.”

“Lasso sent me back. Said he didn’t need me but obviously he does though cause you were losing until today” A cocky smirk on his face, he pointed at himself “Could have used me in those other games.”

“What?” You frowned, eyebrows knotting in the centre. “What are you on about?… of course we needed you. You’re a fucking twat but you’re good. Why wouldn’t he want you in the team” You didn’t like paying him a compliment but you felt it was the only way to get a reasonable conversation out of him

Jamie almost rolled his eyes and you were unsure if it was because he thought you were stating the obvious or saying something stupid.

Noticing Jamie’s childish reaction, you called him out.

“Ted’s a really nice guy, you know. Maybe cut him a little slack?”

Ted had always been friendly to you. Giving you a good morning when he arrived and a good evening with a bright smile when he left and even talking to you about favourite books when he’d brought ones in for the team. If you offered help with setting things up, he would always tell you not to worry and he’d sort anything out himself… More often than not he was back at your office with 15minutes talking a lot about how different things were to Kansas and asking for help.

Despite being new to the sport, never mind the Premier League, Ted was at least trying. It somewhat bothered you that Jamie seemed so intent on being disrespectful.

“Knows fuck all about football though.”

“And you know fuck all about how to talk to people. Maybe you could have learnt from each other.” You snapped back before you could stop yourself. “Just an idea. It’s how adults talk.”

Feeling the exasperation levels rise and wondering how you’d even gotten this far into a conversation with him, you tossed the box of his stuff in to his arms and he managed to steady it despite being caught slightly off guard.

“Goodbye Jamie. See you next season”

And with that you slammed the door shut forcibly before he could reply.

*** time skip***

“I’m just going to get a drink, you want one?”

You offered to your friend and her boyfriend, as you slid out of your booth. Truth be told, you didn’t need another drink, you just wanted to escape for a few moments and work out if it had been this loud when you were a Uni student or if you’d just become accustomed to pubs over clubs in the years since you’d left.

With the team settled into the season, and the new signings all set up, you decided to take a week off to go visit some old friends in Manchester and against your better judgement you’d been dragged to a bar by your friend and her boyfriend.

In response your friend waved her half full, bright blue cocktail, letting you know she was good for now and you made your way across the dance floor and up to the bar, ordering the strongest cocktail on the menu not paying much attention to what was in it.

You’d only just picked up your drink when you heard it. The familiar voice causing you to whip around so quickly that you were impressed you didn’t spill anything.

“[Name]? That you?”

“Jamie Tartt.” You replied, as you took a long drink of the freshly replenished cocktail “Nice to see you.”

You were, of course, being sarcastic. You didn’t try to hide it this time. You didn’t have to. The last time you’d seen him, he’d been assisting in the game that sent Richmond down. Well… that and when your friends had sent you numerous clips of him making an arse out himself on Lust Conquers All and asking you if he really was that much of a twat in real life, to which you’d reply no, he was actually a bigger twat.

“How come you’re in Manchester?” He asked, catching you off guard. Jamie had never cared about seeing you, let alone it being ‘good to’ and now here he was making small talk like you were old friends.

“I’m visiting friends from when I lived here.” You told him keeping your answer short “Look if you want someone to sort out some private booth for you, firstly I’m on holiday and secondly I work for Richmond…you don’t…so…” you paused and gazed around the busy bar, looking for someone to pass Jamie on to “ask the barman.”

“You lived in Manchester?” Jamie tilted his head, genuine surprise crossed his features, as if you’d been withholding some crucial information. “I’m from here.”

“I know you are…“ you took another long drink, feeling like you’d need it if you were about to have another frustrating conversation as your patience was slowly slipping away. He’d completely ignored your previous statement and carried on with the small talk he’d never shown any need for before “What do you need Jamie?”

Jamie looked stunned. “I didn’t know you lived in Manchester. How come you never said?” He replied with a question in response.

“It’s a big city Jamie. You never asked me about myself, surprised you even remembered my name. You don’t need to feign interest in me. Just tell me what you want.” Patience now completely gone and just keen for him to get to the point, you downed the last of your drink and turned to place it back on the bar, only just missing the slight look of guilt he gave you.

“I just, um,” Jamie hesitated, unsure as to how to start, he bit his lip. There was no way he could just come out with it.

He’d tried Keeley but she’d told him to talk to Ted which… he really didn’t want to do. He knew he’d have to eventually but he didn’t want to have to ask especially after how they’d left things in person. Jamie knew from the tiny army man and note that Ted held no resentment but approaching him was a completely different ask so he’d headed back to his mums in Manchester first to weigh up his options.

He considered messaging one of the team but knew after his assist to send Richmond down, they likely would not want to speak to him…so he went through the staff- Kitman Will was a no go, Nate an even bigger no, he didn’t even think he had his number. Jamie went through a few of the back room staff before the thought of you crossed his mind and he felt like an idiot for not thinking of it sooner.

You fixed everything. Player needed a mechanic, you had one around within an hour, one of the coaches needed a caterer, you could arrange it, any player needed schools for their kids, you had uniforms by the end of the day. It was, at least to Jamie, like you could fix any problem…so hoping you could fix his big one, he looked you up on instagram and seeing that you’d posted only two hours ago, he clicked to view.

You were laughing and clinking glasses with another girl and a guy and had placed a tag in the corner indicating what bar you were in. Jamie could barely believe his luck when he clicked on it; as if by chance, as if this was confirmation that he had to talk to you, the tag showed as a bar only fifteen minutes away. He’d left within five. He didn’t know why you were here in his home city but to Jamie it felt like a sign so he’d threw on a coat and headed out to find you.

“It’s nice to see you Jamie but if you’ve got nothing to say, I really need to get back to my friend.” It was a small lie, you could not have cared less about running into him.

“Wait.” He protested, reaching for your arm before pulling back, barely grazing you. “Can we have a drink or something?”

“I’m not a waitress Jamie. If you want a drink, you’ll have to get one yourself like a big boy.”

From the vacant expression that had taken over, he clearly no idea what you were talking about and was waiting for you to fill in the blanks.

“It was a joke. At the charity event, you gave me twenty quid and told me to get you a drink. I told you I wasn’t a waitress and you said ‘same thing’… then I took the £20 and used it for my taxi home… you obviously don’t remember.”

Jamie felt discomfort twist in his chest as he averted his eyes to the ground for a few seconds. Had he really said that? You said it so casually like it was normal.

“Look…please can I just talk you? I’ll…pay for your drinks.” He attempted a peace offering, only for you to wince.

“I can get my own drinks.” You stated bluntly, with a half hearted smile. “I’ll see you later, I’d say good luck for this season but Caths a United fan”

“I’m sorry…uh, I fucked it alright? I don’t…City don’t want me back.” Jamie slid in front of you quickly to try slow your move to the table down. “And I didn’t win Lust Conquers All…”

“I’m sorry to hear you didn’t win your show. Maybe there’s another you can rate strippers on or something.”

“It’s all I’m actually any good at.” His voice was far more subdued, far more quiet than you’d heard him before so much so you would have missed it if it wasn’t said in a seconds pause between songs.

“Rating strippers?” You made a joke, lips twisting up as you raised an eyebrow. However Jamie in response still looked deadly serious, so much so that something inside made your resolve falter. It was not like Jamie Tartt to be remotely serious.

You sighed, eyes skimming over the room to your friend, who was trying to wave you over with a questioning look on her face. Holding up a few fingers, you indicated to her you’d only be two minutes. She shrugged and went back to whatever conversation she was having with her boyfriend.

“Please.” He asked once more and you knew would kick yourself if this turned out to be an act. “I swear down I’m being serious”

You glanced back at Jamie who looked so utterly defeated, in a way you’d never seen him. He looked a million miles away from that cocky, arrogant guy you’d seen last time.

“Fine. We can talk but… outside…” you threw your hand up and jerked your thumb at the door. “I’ll meet you out there. I need to let my friend know I’m leaving.”

**

The cold air hit you suddenly as you stepped out of the busy bar, squeezing by a hen do and heading down the stairs. Jamie was already waiting outside, shifting from one foot to the other, looking even more on edge that he had done inside. Having seen his adverts, you knew he was not that good of an actor, whatever was going on it had to be at least a little bit real.

“Alright. I’m all ears.” You stated as you reached the bottom.

Jamie found himself talking and talking to you as you walked through the city without any real direction. You asked the occasional question but besides that you were mostly just listening. He was stalling, putting off asking you for help by just relaying the drama between leaving City and being voted off the show. You could tell there was something else. There was no way he’d drag you, someone he barely knew, barely liked, out into the city streets to question the voting public for picking some guy called Danthony over him.

“They offered me a reality show…when I got kicked off but I’d have to do ecstasy and shit and…” Jamie trailed off, stuffing his hands into the pocket of his designer puffer jacket. “Didn’t want that.”

“Drugs too far?” You joked, not wanting to show that you were actually pleasantly surprised that he had a limit as to what he’d do for fame. His eyes caught yours and he shook his head.

There was a beat, a few seconds of only the city sounds, you spoke again, your voice and your eyes more sympathetic this time. “I’m glad you didn’t take it. It would be a waste of your actual talent if you did. You’re way too good at football to piss it all away for some shit show…Why did you leave City anyway? Thought you had it all worked out? And be honest with me, I’m not thick, I’ll know.”

Jamie caught your eye, your gaze on him was questioning, but not in the demanding, scrutinising way he was so used to. You were looking at him in such a way, If you didn’t hate him, Jamie could almost convince himself you were asking because you cared. The slight softening of your look on him made him drop what was remaining of his facade and tell you the truth. “I thought it’d piss off my dad.”

“Ah,” the sound was small, “Is your dad…?”

“A prick?” Jamie stated bluntly before you could finish “Yeah. On me all the time, over everything. Always has been. Always got something to fucking say. Got sick of it. I know it’s stupid but…”

“It’s not stupid…well it was a stupid thing to do…” you pulled your coat tighter against the wind. “but you’re not stupid. I understand. I think most people would. I’m sorry your dads an arsehole.”

“Thanks” He commented with a tight face as you rounded the corner. “But I’m used to it”

“You shouldn’t have to be.”

You stopped as he could see your hotel lit up ahead on the street you were now walking down and somehow you’d ended up back where you were staying and you felt a little bit sorry to leave him. A small, tiny part of you thought about inviting him up and offering to continue the conversation but this was Jamie and you had a feeling he would definitely get the wrong idea.

“Erm… this… this is me.” You tilted your head up ahead at the hotel door “Thank you for walking me back Jamie. Even if you didn’t mean to.”

“Do you think Richmond would have me back?” Jamie asked quickly, fearing he’d lose his chance at getting out what had been lingering on his mind since he’d walked out of the meeting with his agent. “I could really really use Richmond now. And I think Richmond need me?” He gave you a tweak of a smile, more hopeful than arrogant.

Ah of course. That was it. He did need something after all. Despite this, you didn’t feel any resentment, you actually felt a little bit bad for him. Jamie had been a first class twat but he also seemed to be genuinely trying to reach out.

You gave him an apologetic smile. “Look, I wish I could help but…you’ll have to talk to Ted. I don’t have any say it in. I can give him a heads up but at the end of the day, he’s the manager, Jamie.”

“Yeah. Keeley said the same thing.” He looked dejected, reluctant even. “Don’t know why I thought you’d say anything else.” He dragged one of his expensive trainers against the concrete pavement and you winced at thinking how they probably cost a substantial chunk of your wages.

“I’m not surprised. She’s smart, makes me wonder why she went out with you.” You took the opportunity to lightly tease him although kept your tone completely deadpan.

“Oi come on! I’m being nice!” Jamie’s head shot up, ready to protest until he could see you were smiling and his shoulders loosened.

“I know I’m messing with you.” You replied “but seriously Talk to Ted. He’s usually at The Crown and Anchor. He’s a nice guy, Jamie. Give him a chance.”

“Fine. Thanks.” Jamie shrugged, looking like he’d rather do anything else. “If it works, can I have my old house back?”

“I’ll sort something…Goodnight Jamie.”You reached over and squeezed his arm “and good luck.”

***

Jamie’s reintegration was not going as smoothly as he’d hoped. With the rest of the team being somewhat reluctant to forgive his attitude from his last spell in at the club, Jamie was now getting the cold shoulder.

“Shit!” You jumped when you walked into you office. “How long have you been here? How did you get in?”

“No one likes me.” Jamie muttered from the spare chair opposite your desk. He didn’t answer your question but from the lost look on his face you didn’t feel like pushing it. He was slouched so far over your desk, he was practically lying on it, training jacket pulled up over his face and his chin in his hand

“Can’t say I blame them. You were kind of an arsehole last time you were here.” You placed your bag on the spot on the desk not occupied by Jamie.

“But like I’m actually trying and they’re… are all being dickheads about it.” He sat up suddenly, throwing his arms back as he slumped back into the chair.

“Again I don’t blame them.”

“Colin said I was the worm now.”

You cocked your head confused “I’m not going to ask…but I probably don’t blame him”

“Even the new lads giving me stick”

“Yeah, word travels, you’re… kinda infamous here now”

“Yeah I know…” Jamie clicked his tongue as if you were stating the obvious “but why do they hate me… when I’m trying?” He held out his hands and looked over at you, waiting for your clarification.

“Jamie. You got us relegated, you were a bad team mate and a bit of a shit…”

“Alright, alright.” Jamie shrugged “just you’re the only one whose nice to me…except maybe Ted but he don’t count he’s nice to everyone and Keeley but she’s my ex ain’t she? How can I make them like me? Get them all something?”

“It’ll take time Jamie… you can’t just make it up to them with gifts…”

Deciding you had to do to something to distract him, you lifted your bag up from the desk again and gestured for him to stand up which he did so reluctantly.

“Right okay, get your keys…I’m not having you moping around my office…let’s go for a walk or a drive or whatever and talk. It’ll help. I promise”

**

It quickly became a regular, daily thing. Jamie would come to your office as soon as the on field training was done. The rest of the team would head into the gym and he’d come wait in your office or out for coffee until most of the others had left and then he’d slip down to the gym to train alone.

You’d were slowly softening to him. He’d even started opening up a bit more, slowly elaborating day by day until he was talking more openly to you than you’d ever thought. Underneath all the cocky bravado, Jamie was a sweet, funny, guy who’d just fallen into the trap of thinking arrogance was a shield against anything the world could throw at him. You liked this side of him far far more and you couldn’t help yourself but think if he’d always been like this, like he was now, you’d have been friends a long time ago.

You couldn’t stop yourself from laughing when Jamie told you about Ted’s alter ego act. Even more so that he was completely straight faced when relaying how weird it was. You could guess what Ted was doing, but Jamie seemed so serious he had you in stitches.

“Oh and I, erm, I spoke to the, the therapist lady…Doctor Sharon.” Jamie slipped in quickly, before he could change his mind over telling you. His eyes quickly shot over your shoulder to the aerial photograph of Nelson Road that decorated the wall behind your desk and focused hard on it as he waited for your response.

Jamie had no reason to doubt you’d be supportive but still he could have sworn the few seconds it took for you to reply was actually an hour. He worried in those few seconds that he’d overstepped the mark and made you uncomfortable with an over share or that you’d kick him out.

You couldn’t believed Jamie had just spent fifteen minutes ranting about ‘Led Tasso’ and completely neglected to mention that he’d spoken to the new therapist.

“Jamie…why didn’t you tell me!” You exclaimed, nearly knocking over the Richmond mug on your desk over your laptop. “That’s great!”

“Dunno” Jamie managed to drop his stare from the wall to you and shrugged “I erm, didn’t think it was worth mentioning. Keeley dragged me up there and I thought might aswell. Nothing better do to.”

“Course its worth mentioning. Getting help is the best thing you can do… it’s hard to take that first step and reach out. I’m proud of you.”

“Really?” For a second Jamie wondered if he’d hallucinated. He hadn’t heard that. Not those words in that order from anyone in a long time and Jamie liked the thought of you, of all people, being proud of him.

“Yeah! Going…and actually talking to a professional? That’s amazing! Did it help?”

Jamie let your response sink in before he nodded “Uh yeah I think so, spoke to her about like my dad and stuff. She’s really good.” He scratched his cheek quickly before dropping his hands to the table.

“It’s great, everything you’re doing. It’ll take time… but I’m just so happy you’re reaching out.” You leant over the desk and placed your hand over his and gave it a squeeze “you know you’ve always got me but talking to a professional is the best thing for you.” The second you’d retracted Jamie missed the reassurance provided by the warm contact.

“Knock knock” a voice called from the doorframe interrupting and Jamie felt his heart drop as one of his teammates stuck his head around “Hello!”

“Jan! Hi!” You beamed at him, getting up from your desk as Jamie tried not to let his disappointment show at the interruption. “Come in!”

“You ready? You’re always packed up early and ready to go so I thought I would come see” Jan slipped around the door and raised his eyebrows staring at your desk which, as he’d guessed, was already pretty much clear for the day. “Usually in the last hour you don’t do any work.”

You rolled your eyes at his assessment but didn’t protest. You very rarely got anything done in the last hour so tended to scroll on your phone, clear up and wait until you could leave.

“Alright?” Jamie attempted to greet the other man “Is anyone down in the gym, mate?”

Jan shook his head no, not conversing with the other man any more than needed and waited for Jamie to stand up and make his way to the door, stepping aside to let him leave.

“Um, thanks [Name], I’ll see you later yeah?”

“Yeah, I’ll come see you later.” You offered “We can go to that restaurant for dinner. The Indian one I was telling you about the other day?”

Jamie nodded and shut the door quickly suddenly all too aware of his teammate watching him.

***

“Why are you friends with him?” Jan asked pointedly as you left the room a few minutes later and made your way to the car park.

“Jamie’s really trying. Trust me last season he would not have even acknowledged me” you laughed and pointed at yourself.

“I don’t like him.” Jan said, looking like you’d posed some sort of serious question before he offered you a sweet from the bag he was holding out “Left you the red ones.” He glanced back into the bag “Well most of them!”

“Be nice!” You jokingly punched his arm before thanking him for leaving your favourites “Jamie’s trying not be a twat…but It’s hard for him. He’s had years of practice.”

Jamie watched you’d leave with the centre back from the open gym door. From your hushed voice, you were doing your best to keep quiet so he wouldn’t overhear but the ‘he wouldn’t have acknowledged me’ stung. Deep down he knew it was true, he hadn’t been nice to you, and you were understandably cold to him.

He’d find himself worried, wondering if you were with Jan, what if you no longer had time for him, what if he lost the one real friend he had. Although if Jamie was honest with himself, he’d liked you as more than a friend for a while.

A few days into his return to Richmond, he’d been unable to sleep. Worrying that the team hated him, would always hate him, was he this pathetic failure his dad said he was, would he ever be considered a talented footballer again or would he always just be a joke who put his ‘brand’ first.

He realised he’d didn’t want to call his anyone except you. He wanted to talk to you. You’d answered on the fourth ring and if you were annoyed at being woken at 1am, you didn’t sound it. You’d been concerned, asking if he was in trouble.

“No…I can’t sleep.” Jamie had said, almost ashamed to say anything more. He worried you’d think it was pathetic, a weak reasoning for calling, but at the same time hoped you’d pick up on the something left unsaid.

You did. “I know what you mean” you’d spoken, sleepily “you want a distraction? I can read to you if you like. My books so boring, you’ll fall asleep.”

Jamie had laughed and accepted your offer and settled in as you’d started to read some story.

When he woke the next morning, you were still on the other end of the phone. You were already awake but you must have stayed on the call with him.

‘Just in case’ you’d told him, the corner of your cheek twitching on one side.

It was the single most simple, caring gesture but it cemented it. In that moment he knew he was gone. You just knew him. When he needed to laugh, when he needed to talk and when he just wanted a distraction. (You’d never tell him how easy it was for you to tell).

The next time, hed offered to return the favour he’d read you the book Coach Lasso had bought him. He’d been reluctant at first but you’d persuaded him, encouraging him a little bit at a time and before you knew it, he’d read it cover to cover.

You were just a kind person, he told himself. You were like that with everyone. He’d see you excitedly trying some Nigerian food Sam brought in or attempt to speak Spanish to Dani, who would be thrilled and offer to teach you, he’d see you talk to Keeley, usually showing each other something on your phones and giggling.

Jamie would find himself analysing every conversation you’d had with him, where you like that with other people and for signs that maybe your feelings were mutual. He would run over everything in his head as he ran on the treadmill or worked on presses so much so that by the time he’d decided to just keep quiet, as he did every day, he’d have done several miles or lost count of the amount of presses he’d done.

Fuck it there was no way he could tell you. You were happy and you were his friend and he’d rather have you in his life as his friend than not at all.

***short time skip***

When Jamie had came into your office in a panic on Christmas Eve, asking you if you’d ever cooked a Christmas dinner and begging for you to help him cook one for his mum who would be visiting, you’d agreed against your better judgement. You’d cooked Christmas dinner twice. Once at University and once when your mum had a migraine and you had to finish off and now you were in Jamie’s house on Christmas Day making what he’d bought from M&S two days before into a Christmas dinner.

“I’m surprised you asked me. I thought you’d be inundated with offers.” You said, only half joking as you turned the parsnips in their tray. Jamie who was mulching the cranberries for the sauce like his life depended on it, just shrugged and muttered a ‘not really’. He wished he’d asked you to actually spend Christmas with him properly and not to do him a favour but doing so now would seem last minute and you’d already told him you were dropping in to the Higgins later.

As if on cue, your phone beeped from across the room and you swung the dish towel over your shoulder, not noticing Jamie staring as you flicked up to read Jan’s Whatsapp, watching your face for any signs. Trying to see if you’d added any little hearts next to his name or if you replied to him with twice as many X’s as you gave anyone else.

Ever since Jamie had realised he’d fallen for you, he’d became somewhat obsessed with trying to work out what was going on between you and his teammate. He’d never ask Jan directly. Having been on the receiving end of one of Jan’s blunt comments, Jamie didn’t want to risk hearing something he didn’t want to. With the team still giving him the cold shoulder more often than not, he considered asking Keeley. He’d seen you and her talking sometimes and wondered if it would be weird to ask his ex before realising if he did ask Keeley anything, there was the risk that Roy Kent would overhear and Jamie couldn’t imagine anything more embarrassing.

“Richard brought a girl to the Higgins’ party.“ you laughed, letting Jamie know what was happening “Jan just told me.”

“Of course he did” Jamie laughed “Not surprised. He’d bring a girl to training if thought he’d get away with it.”

“Thought that would have been you?” You teased back only to get an eye roll and elbow nudge in response.

After a few minutes, you walked around his kitchen to check the table was set and were surprised to see he’d done a decent job of it.

“I think you’re all set. I promise you can take all the credit. You just need to take the turkey out when she gets here and put the Yorkshires in. They’ll be done quickly so don’t burn them. Desserts are in the fridge.”

Jamie looked a little reluctant and you had to admit the idea of a footballer who regularly played in front of thousands of people being nervous about presenting a Christmas dinner to his mum was a little funny.

“It’ll be good. Trust me…oh wait!” Your face lit up as you suddenly remembered “I have a present for you!” Before he had the chance to respond you’d dashed out into the hall, retrieved the gift from beside where you left your coat and returned back and pushed it into his hands.

After making a show of rattling it to try sense what was inside, Jamie unwrapped it carefully. Your eyes focused in on his face looking for any sign, hoping he liked the gift and you’d hadn’t made things weird.

In the box was a pair of his boots, the same brand his mum had got him, like his first pair. Jamie lifted them out carefully, and turned them over in his hand to see them.

“They’re obviously not the exact pair but they’re customs, I asked Sam what brand they were and they don’t do the exact ones anymore but I found some guy online and…they’re pretty much the same…If you can’t wear them for games because of sponsorships or whatever, you can maybe use them for training or you can return them, i won’t be offended, I just…”

“Thank you.” Jamie was quiet, staring down at the boots before his eyes turned on you “this is the nicest present anyone has ever given me. I, um… thank you.” He repeated finding himself rendered somewhat speechless at what thought you’d put in and how you were clearly worried he wouldn’t like it.

“It’s nothing. I just wanted to do something for you…”

“It’s not nothing, I actually do really like them and I’m definitely wearing them. Next game. Thank you.” Jamie paused, his head was only filled with thoughts of how much he wanted to kiss you here in his kitchen, how much he wanted to ask you to stay with him, to spend the rest of the day with him, eating Christmas dinner with his mum and sharing the big box of Roses chocolates and watching any Christmas special just because and then dancing to whatever Christmas song came on, late into the evening.

“Actually I… I got you something too.”

“You got me a present?” Your eyebrows raised in a playful manner “It’s not like a signed picture of you or anything is it? Because if it is, it’s going on eBay.”

“No. Uh…two minutes alright?” Jamie left the room and returned a few minutes later, a poorly wrapped present in his hands. “Sorry about the shit wrapping.”

You laughed and unwrapped it, your face breaking out into a big smile as you found the present “no way!”“This is the coolest thing ever!”

A quiet, comfortable silence had fallen between the two of you over your FaceTime call, you’d just finished laughing about Jamie telling you how he broke into his schools tuck shop as a kid and stole six packets of malteasers. It should have been just a funny childhood anecdote shared with a friend and yet the comments you’d made a while ago itched at the back of Jamie’s mind. “You never asked me about myself, surprised you even remembered my name.” He’d gotten to know you since of course but he wanted to know more, he wanted you to tell him everything, like he was making up for looking through you before.

“Tell me something funny you did when you was kid” He asked before he could stop himself.

“Oh.” You shifted putting your phone down, thinking for a moment. “Ah okay I’ve got it!” You grinned “don’t laugh!” You made him promise.

“When I was a little kid, like I’m talking pre-primary school age, I had this cream cardigan, big daisies and red roses stitched all over it and I would wear it everywhere. I’d put it on to walk to school and cry when Miss Neil made me take it off, when I came home and my mum had to wash it, I’d sit by the washing machine and then in the garden waiting for it to dry. I’d even wear it when it was summer and it was probably too warm, I wore it even when it didn’t go with my outfit. I was not a fashion forward kid”

Jamie started laughing and couldn’t suppress it even over your protests that he promised he wouldn’t.

“What happened to it? The cardigan? You still have it?”

You pouted half jokingly “It got left on a plane on the way back from Tenerife. I cried so much, my dad rang Gatwick and the airport in Tenerife but no one ever turned it in. I’d have outgrown it but I loved that cardigan so much” you said wistfully “I was so annoyed thinking of some random person with my cardigan… I’ve searched online but there’s nothing like it.”

“Understandable. It sounds peak nineties” Jamie remarked with a raised eyebrow

“Oi. It would be considered vintage now” you laughed “Teenagers on depop would pay mega money for that.”

You picked it up and held it against you before putting it straight on without checking for tags.

“Jamie…” You wrapped it tight and folded your arms around you “You remembered! I feel a bit bad for joking now”

“Don’t…don’t…you don’t need to say anything.” Seeing you happy hit him like a brick wall. All he wanted was you smiling at him like you were doing now. His voice was quiet and he could feel the tension, he needed to do something, anything to dissipate it, if he didn’t…Jamie feared he’d just come out with it. “You have the real deal anyway, you don’t need a photo” He settled for a joke.

“Thank you!” You beamed at him and got up to kiss his cheek. “This is the coolest present ever!”

How was it that he’d never been short on attention from women but a kiss on the cheek from you had the biggest effect on him like he was a teenage boy again the first time he fancied a girl.

“Thank you for mine. And for all this…You really sure you can’t stay? It’ll just be me and mum and she’ll fall asleep after Eastenders.”

“Call me when she does. If I’m up, we can FaceTime” you still had your cardigan on and slipped your coat on over the top. “Maybe we can watch one of the Home Alones or Elf together.”

“I love Elf. It’s like my favourite film after Ratatouille.” He grinned at you and you laughed as you reached up and hugged him.

“I know. Merry Christmas Jamie.” You kissed him on the cheek once more

“Merry Christmas, [Name],”

***short time skip***

The addition of Roy to the coaching staff had gone perfectly…except for the one pretty major hiccup of Jamie clashing with him daily and on one occasion, making his way to your place after training to ask if you thought he had bad hair prompting you to wonder what exactly was going on.

A few days later and you were anxiously waiting on the final whistle in the quarter final against Tottenham, Jamie had played incredibly. A goal from right outside the box and only a minute ago he’d scored what looked like it would be the winner. At the sound of the whistle, you were up on your feet and running down to the tunnel. The moment you saw Jamie you ran to him and pulled him into a hug, him lifting you up and holding you flush against him for a few moments.

“You were amazing!” You enthused, looking up at him as you separated. “That free kick in the first half was one of the best ever seen! And a last minute goal… that’s the best game I’ve ever seen you play.”

Jamie grinned on a high from the result, his performance and now you gushing about him, telling him so earnestly how good he was felt amazing. For a moment he could forget you were in the Nelson Road tunnel with a little over 25,000 people just outside and other players and staff milling around you.

“Thanks. My first goal was good wasn’t it?” He was standing so confidently. It had turned out being a prick worked for him…so long as he kept it to the pitch. You liked seeing him back to the player you knew he could be.

“That’s goal of month, maybe even the season!”You reached up and fixed his hair without even thinking “Go celebrate. you deserve this.”

“Come out with me… I mean come out with us, we’re going out, all of us, you should come” Jamie said all at once.

“Sure I’ll come for one!” You nodded.

*

Across the bar, you could see a girl who looked like she could have walked off the set of Keeping Up with the Kardashians lean over and talk to Richard who was responding by pouring her a glass of wine, no doubt feeding her some sort of cheesy chat up line.

Jamie slid into the booth beside you, and, with the slight contact your knee made against his, he felt himself relax.

“That’s probably the third girl I’ve seen him give his number to tonight” he commented and you laughed, pleased to see him join you in your people watching.

“Welcome to being on this side of the fence.” You leant in close to him so you could talk.

“She not your type?” You asked curiously. “She’s alive isn’t she?” You teased. Jamie hadnt dated since Keeley, or rather, since his stint on the show if you could call that dating. It did seem a little odd to you that he’d never once mentioned anyone despite your fast formed friendship and everything else he’d willingly shared with you.

Jamie shook his head. “Nah i’m…”. How could he tell you he didn’t want anyone else other than you. “I’m not…nah not really doing that kinda thing anymore.”

Even if he tried, Jamie doubted he could bring himself to show any enthusiasm for chatting up anyone else anymore. How could he consider anyone else when it felt like you were the only person in the room who saw him. You actually saw him for him in his worst moments and still wanted to be around him. How could he not want you?

Your heart was beating as you took in Jamie’s response. It was only a short response but it set the smallest of sparks in your stomach and you took a swig from the bottle of cider in your hand to distract yourself from running over what that meant. Was he not interested in anyone? Was there something he wasn’t saying?

Looking for something to change the subject before it became awkward, your eyes fell to your phone, flat against the table, and you started at the clock telling you it was 00:10. Somewhat grateful for the easy out, you picked it up and slipped it into your back.

“I’m going to head home, I have an early start tomorrow.”

“Can i walk you home?” Jamie felt a little dejected but wouldn’t pass up the chance to spend time with you just one on one. “I don’t mind leaving now?”

You were grateful and almost wished you could take him up on it. Maybe when you were alone you could ask him more about what he meant.

How badly you wanted to say yes. Yes to him walking you home and how you’d hope on the walk home you’d maybe have enough courage to invite him in and up to your bedroom. The experience with your ex still lingered and you never ever thought it would be Jamie Tartt of all people to make you want to throw your one rule out of the window.

But he wasn’t the Jamie of old. This Jamie was funny and caring, he’d bring you a tea every morning before training, he’d call you and he’d ask you to go do “intellectual stuff” with him when he was too self conscious to go himself. He’d run through ideas or tactics he had with you and even ask you to watch his highlight reels, not for vanity but because he wanted a fans opinion, he’d get you to come out to dinners with him when he was offered free food at restaurants and throughout all of this, you were just his friend, his loyal best friend, when you were internally screaming that you wanted him.

Realising you hadn’t said anything in a few seconds, you quickly found a response “you’re the best for offering but… Jan’s offered to drive me. He’s not been drinking so it’s fine. He’s dropping off Colin too if you need a lift, I can ask him? I’m sure he won’t mind?” You asked, hoping Jamie would accept and you’d just both get out at his or yours.

Jamie felt an uncomfortable twist in his stomach.

Of course. Jan. Were you going back to his? Did you talk to Jan the way you talked to him? What had happened to “I don’t date footballers” or was that just your way of telling him you’d never want him like he wanted you? There was a part of him screaming to retreat, make an excuse, go home, move on but Jamie didn’t want to do that. He wanted to ask you outright but he couldn’t push the words out. So he did neither and just sat there.

“It’s okay.” He said forcing a smile. “Someone has to look after Isaac. I’ll get a taxi”

“Are you sure? If you want we can-…”

“Hey. Are you ready?” the Dutch centre-back interrupted from the aisle between tables before Jamie could reply “Some of us need sleep.” He teased, pointing at Colin who was leaning to one side, almost asleep on Moe’s shoulder “and I don’t want him to sleep in my car. Last time I had to let him sleep on my sofa.”

You laughed and almost as if he heard his teammate Colin jolted awake muttering he was ready and reaching for his coat.

“Sure I’m ready.” You gave Jamie a hug as you stood up and he watched you go, wishing he’d gone with you the second you were gone.

**

Jamie had been on edge since it was confirmed that the semi final at Wembley would be against Man City. You knew it had to be related to his dad, to his old club, to how everything was building to such a point that he was wound so tight, you were surprised he hadn’t snapped like an elastic band.

In the fall out from the result to Man City and the altercation with his dad, Jamie had come to you before he’d boarded the bus. He hadn’t needed to say anything, it was all over his face. You could see it. Without even needing to ask, Ted had waved for you to get on the bus with the team. Usually the staff would travel separately if they went to games but in this moment, the coach didn’t question it.

You settled in beside Jamie and shifted so he could rest his head on your shoulder and carefully you reached around so you could put an arm around him too and used your other to take his hand and you would stay that way for the journey back to the training ground where the players had left their cars.

Even as you exited the coach, you could tell he was tense, and as you walked him to his car, you could barely hear him when he came out with it.

“Are you okay?” You asked him once he’d done explaining “I’m so sorry Jamie. Your dad really is a prick”

Before Jamie replied, he looked up and over you across the car park, his eyes caught those of his teammate.

“I, uh, I will be. Fresh air is doing me good. I think I need to go home and sleep.” It wasn’t a lie.

“Jamie. I’m not an idiot. You need to talk?”

He pushed a hand back through his hair and with one look in your eyes conceded with a nod

*

After driving back to his and getting into his house, Jamie dropped onto the sofa, not bothering to change out of the training kit he’d travelled in. You made him a decaf tea and took a spot next to him on his sofa and let him lean back on you as listened to him tell you everything

“Was that the first time you’d…”

“Hit him back?” Jamie’s eyes didn’t lift from the spot in the middle distance. “Yeah. Couldn’t really fight back as a kid.”

“I was going to say ‘seen him since you left…” you kept your arm around him, loosely tracing in a manner you hoped was soothing. “But I’d guess same answer.”

Jamie lifted his head off your shoulder for a second. “Erm…” His dad had contacted him a few times whilst he’d played for City. Mostly asking for free tickets, to meet the rest of the team and to get tours of the ground. Jamie had given in reluctantly on the first one and skirted around the final two. “Yeah… I guess he wasn’t arsed about me playing for Richmond. Cant brag about me if I’m in the Championship and he can’t be fucked getting the train down to London”

“Jamie.” You tried “you deserve so much better…He doesn’t know what he’s missing out on.” You reassured him “you’ve been amazing these past few months Jamie. The best you’ve played. I know you probably wouldn’t want him at Richmond but still…his loss”

“Only got him the tickets to get him off my back and he didn’t even fucking support me. Went in the City end. Don’t know what I was expecting”

You imagined that must have stung for him. His dad feigning an interest just to turn around and support the team playing against his son. His old club, to add insult to injury.

“How do you feel now?” You asked cautiously. “Must have been hard for you to stand up to him…given how long he’s been…like that for?”

“I mean… shit because he’s my dad but he doesn’t act like he is, but like…I don’t regret it or anything…I just got fucking shit of it yknow…slagging me off, the club off…putting me down in front of everyone…and he’ll show up next time, if we get promoted he’ll be after tickets again…”

“We’ll make sure he doesn’t get near. You never have to deal with that again Jamie. You shouldn’t have had to take it back then and you don’t now”

“Thanks.” He added on “For… not just staying here but…for like always having time for me and that.”

“I’ll always have time for you Jamie.”

***a few weeks later***

The yearly charity gala had come around fast and unlike last year, you had actually looked forward to it this year. In the weeks leading up to it, you’d picked out a new outfit including new shoes.

Jamie had agreed to pick you up, asking you the second you’d said you were going and you’d agreed. Since you’d spent the night at his, completely platonically, Jamie’s already overwhelming feelings towards you had grown even more and you showing up to a charity gala with his teammate was the last thing he wanted and even though he’d spent the entire day telling himself this wasn’t a date, he still felt nervous as he rang your doorbell.

The second you opened it, he couldn’t help but break out into a big smile “You look… really good.” He nodded “this new?”

“Thank you” you accepted his compliment, nodding as you stepped aside to let him in “So do you. Not auctioning yourself off tonight?”

“Nah I’m not feeling up for it this year.”

Your eyes scanned his suit before realising his tie was slightly off “Can I?” You pointed at it.

You waited for him to nod before stepping in to fix his tie, before realising it needed a re-do.

“You know I’ve not had to wear a tie since school, but I reckon I could do a better job of it than this.” You joked, pulling the knot by his neck and re opening the fabric.

“You wore your tie? Don’t think I went a week without forgetting mine.” Jamie laughed.

“I was Deputy Head Girl.” You felt a little bit red, like suddenly you were back at school being paired with the popular boy for a project. “Kinda had to.” You looped it around before sliding it into place.

You shook the thought from your head. This was Jamie. Your friend. He could date anyone he wanted, why would he go out with someone normal and ordinary.

Jamie watched you in concentration for a few seconds before he couldn’t help himself.

“He’s punching going out with you, you know” the words came out of his mouth before he could stop them.

He couldn’t help himself. Jamie didn’t mean it, at least, he didn’t mean it as it sounded. Jan was fine and of course he would be your exception to your rule. He seemed like he’d be your type. Still it stung. He wasn’t used to not getting the girls he liked…but maybe he should have expected it. You weren’t interested in the fame that attracted girls to athletes normally so of course you wouldn’t want him. You probably liked Jan because he was honest, funny and spoke three languages rather than the money and fame.

You stopped what you were doing, hands still on his tie, confused.

“What are you on about?”

“Yknow…Jan. You’re way too fit for him.”

“I’m not going out with Jan.”

You made sure it was centred before letting go of the fabric and suddenly aware of your close proximity, you stepped back.

“He takes you home and stuff…I figured you two were.”

“Shagging?” You came straight out with it, eyebrows raised

“Well…yeah?” He shrugged. “Ain’t you with him?”

Who’d have thought it. Jamie Tartt, who you’d considered the biggest arsehole you’d ever met a few months back, now being protective over you. It was weirdly quite sweet. Truth be told, you’d warmed to Jamie. A lot. If anyone had told you that last season you’d have thought they’d gone mad. When he’d left Richmond, you’d never even expected to see him in person again, let alone be friends with him.

“Jan’s just a friend…Didn’t realise anyone had noticed…also… surprised you remembered my…thing about footballers”

“I’m glad you’re not with him cause, yknow he’s…”

“Are you going to call someone else a prick?” Your head tilted to the side, hair falling with it. “Because if you are, that’s pretty fucking ironic.”

Jamie opened and closed his mouth, ready to reply when he saw you were half smiling.

“I’m messing with you...again” you teased and Jamie remembered the conversation he’d had with you outside the hotel in Manchester. Only this time you were looking at him differently. Back then you were looking at him like he was lost, now he’d swear you were… almost looking at him with affection.

“Nah, hes… he’s alright yknow just he’s not…” Jamie paused. He couldn’t say ‘not good enough’ because if Jan wasn’t the type of footballer you’d date, Jamie knew he definitely wouldn’t be. “Not who i picture you with.”

“Who do you picture me with?”

You were looking up at him, genuine interest on your face like you were waiting on a serious answer.

“I, uh, I don’t know.” The twisting in his stomach had been replaced and now the weight of relief, finding out you weren’t actually with Jan had lifted he didn’t know exactly what to say. With other girls he’d never had a problem asking them out but you? It was always different with you. “Just someone else.”

“Jamie…what’s going on?” you reached up and gently tilted his face so you could look at him. In spite of your confident action, your heart was hammering against your chest.

He let out a deep breath, eyes flickering over you for a moment, before he came out with it

“When I thought you were going out with Jan Maas. It was driving me mad.”

“Why?”

“I…I guess maybe I was jealous or something?”

“Thought you didn’t get jealous.” You’d heard all about his escapades with other women via the press and via various clips people had sent you of him on his TV show.

“I don’t not normally …” Jamie played with the cuff links absentmindedly. He sighed and looked down and then back up at you “I don’t wanna be like that anymore…I just,” he paused.

“Look” you said again “whatever you want to say… you can tell me…”

Jamie didn’t know what was holding him back. “I want to be the kind of guy you’d go out with, i don’t wanna disrespect you, and like I don’t want to ruin us being mates but…I really, really like you.”

“Jamie.” You laced your hand with his, feeling a swelling in your chest “I wish you’d told me sooner…You already are…you are the kind of guy I’d go out with.”

“What?”

“You are…the type of guy that I’d go out with.” You repeated with a reassurance in your voice “How could you not be? You’re sweet, you’re funny, you make me laugh…you listen…”

Jamie felt his heart hard against his chest, barely able to let your words sink in. “So if I asked you out? you’d go out with me?”

“Of course I will.” You squeezed his hand gently and as his shoulders relaxed and you couldn’t help but let out a small laugh as he dropped his forehead to yours.

“I can’t believe Jamie Tartt was worried about asking me out. You’ve been out with like models and stuff…and it’s me that you were worried about.”

He sighed “Yeah but that’s why I like you…cause you’re you.”

Come on. Let’s go to this auction.”

“Together yeah?”

“Of course. Good job your shirt matches my outfit…or you’d have to change” you teased.

Cue when you walked in hand in hand, Jamie was greeted by about half the team congratulating him on you two finally getting it together, including Jan who’d found it hilarious that Jamie had thought something was going on between you too.

***

Jamie had, with the best intentions, planned a perfect evening. A few days after you’d accepted him asking you out, he’d booked a reservation at restaurant he knew you’d like as a surprise knowing that it was one you’d always walked by and remarked it looked nice but never got around to trying it .

Things had not gone as planned.

After you’d arrived at the restaurant, you’d found out they’d closed due to a leak in the kitchen, you’d suggested going to a local bar and had lasted all of fifteen minutes before a drunk man in a too tight t shirt had knocked his pint over you and staggered off without apologising much to your ire. Jamie had wanted to go after the man and tell him to apologise but you’d just wanted to leave. Only ten minutes after leaving, Jamie had been approached by a group of kids looking for pictures and autographs and only a few seconds later, the skies opened and despite trying to huddle under a canopy of a nearby, closed cafe, you got soaked. Jamie, whilst taking photos with the young kids gave you a mouthed sorry but you told him to carry on knowing it would make the kids day.

Once he was done, he jogged back over to you, now shivering slightly and offered you his coat as you ran back to his

*

“You look really fit in my stuff. You should keep them.” Jamie remarked as you flopped down next to him on the sofa, now wearing a oversized tee and joggers that he’d pulled out for you to wear whilst your actual outfit was in his washing machine.

“Sorry the date was shit.” He added on as he ran a towel over his damp hair.

“Could have been worse” you shrugged with a smile as you dried off your own hair. “I’ve had worse dates.”

He let out a sigh and laid back on the sofa “I just wanted to take you out some place dead nice.”

“Jamie...that’s so sweet but you don’t have to. I just like being with you.” You shifted closer to him and scooted under his arm to rest on his chest. “I don’t care if it’s at a restaurant or like this…”

“I promise we’ll go out somewhere proper next time.” He leant down and kissed you softly. Dating you made Jamie felt like he’d finally got everything he’d ever wanted, and he was kicking himself for not asking you out the second he realised he had feelings for you.

“I could do that all day” You muttered against his lips as you separated briefly.

He placed a hand on your cheek and brushed your hair back before kissing you again. “Don’t think we could do this in the restaurant.”

You smiled against his mouth “well we could but probably wouldn’t be allowed back…”

“Maybe we can go back when they’ve fixed the leak and try?” Jamie made a joke and you playfully swatted him before kissing him again.

“Oh, Im holding you to that…”

***

Dating Jamie was so easy. Much easier than you’d thought. It was just like it was when you were friends but he’d always be taking your hand or wrapping an arm around you or kissing you…and of course you’d spend the night together rather than driving home after meeting up. When people had said date your best friend you’d never actually thought it could be possible.

Any fears or ghosts of your past that lingered over the bad experience with your ex were soon quashed by Jamie. Before you’d got together, you’d found it somewhat bittersweet that it was the former ladies man that you’d fallen for after swearing off dating footballers but now that you woke up to him every other morning and got to see him being the absolute perfect boyfriend to you, it just made sense.

So much so that eventually you’d caved and told him the name of the player you’d went out with before and Jamie had been thrilled to learn your ex was a goalkeeper and had made a promise to you he’d score against him.

You’d found it adorably sweet in the moment and incredibly hot when he followed through with his promise not once but twice, securing a brace and a win in the same game and making a big show of pointing at you and blowing a kiss into the stands. He’d almost been late in the next morning.

Jamie knew he loved you. Maybe it had started when you’d given him that chance in Manchester. You didn’t have to. If you’d told him to piss off, Jamie wouldn’t have blamed you but you hadn’t. You’d seen something in him, maybe believed in him deep down and now he was a better man, in part due to you.

The final game of the season was a whirlwind of emotions and knowing he’d be nervous for the game that could earn Richmond promotion back into the Premier League you’d snuck into the tunnel to see him just before he went out

“Good luck today babe.” You leant up and kissed him gently. “No matter what happens. I’m so proud of you, the player you are and the man you are.”

“Thanks” his eyes met yours “I, uh could have never done it without you.”

“Course you could. The talents all yours”

“I mean the…” Jamie paused, before looking at your shirt. He turned you around. “You’re wearing my shirt” he grinned at you and held up your arm so he could twirl you and see his name on your Richmond shirt. “Looks good on you”

“Course I am. Who else’s shirt would I wear.” You leant in and kissed him once more before the sound of the rest of the team approaching signalled it was time for you to go join the rest of the fans in the stands. “Smash it for me babe.”

**

Upon the final whistle, the coaching staff and bench descended on to the pitch to celebrate and you couldn’t help yourself.

You ran down to the barrier, dug into your bag to flash your work lanyard at a steward and ran on yourself, calling out to Jamie as you approached.

He caught you as you jumped into an embrace, quickly asking if he was okay after he was fouled in the lead up to Richmonds penalty. Jamie nodded.

“Yea yeah I’m fine babe. I’ve never been happier.” He looked breathless, a mixture of excitement, energy and adrenaline from the game.

“I love you Jamie.”

He kissed you deeply, passionately, caught up in the moment and not caring about the thousands of surrounding people, happy to be celebrating with you and the team.

“I love you. Next year I’m going to win you the whole thing”

[euphoricfilter]

For the drabble game could you write fluff with youtuber bf jk ? I am not creative so I couldn’t think of a sentence sorry😭 but maybe he does one of those 24hr streams, I love your writing!

youtuber boyfriend! kook headcanons:

tags/ warnings: none. just a lot of fluff and feelings <3

notes: when i got sent this idea ages ago i got so excited. and i wrote three fics for it but hated them all and then made sure they were to never see the light of day. so my solution is to write some cute boyfriend headcanons instead to make up for it!! simply because i absolutely love this idea and i need to write anything for it to sate the need within me.

notes 2: this got slightly longer than i’d intended LMAO sorry 🕺

𓇻 i feel like jungkook’s channel has a plethora of videos, though he specializes in gaming.

𓇻 its probably one of his biggest passions. though i do see him dabbling in commentary, or even review type videos. maybe he’s a bit of a collector as well and goes on hour long rants about rare items or hauls of what he purchased over the years.

𓇻 i see the both of you probably meeting at one of those second-hand game and film stores.

𓇻 maybe you’re just milling around. more content to browse the movies than the games because you only own an old console (something cute like a nintendo DS) but they don’t really sell the game cards commercially anymore

𓇻 and jungkook loses track of why he was even there in the first place when he spots you. slowly scooting towards the corner you’re in.

𓇻 jungkook might not exactly believe in love at first sight, finds it a little hard to imagine loving someone so soon. but he definitely believes in destiny, even fate. and some small part of his mind had convinced him that surely this was just that.

𓇻 he’d be a bit shy about trying to approach you, mouth opening only for nothing to come out because what was he supposed to say? and maybe he accidentally startles you, offering to pay for the few dvds you had hugged to your chest as a lame sort of compensation

𓇻 he’d be the one to ask for your number, he’d be the first to text. you’d tell him later on it’s because you didn’t want to come off too head-strong. worried you’d scare him off messaging only hours after meeting. and then he’d tell you he had worried about the same thing

𓇻 jungkook wouldn’t straight out tell his audience he’d gotten into a relationship. it’s not that he was embarrassed about you, quite the opposite; he’d love to flaunt you to the world. it’s just he’d worry about the reaction from fans.

𓇻 he’d have a pretty hefty audience, a well established one even. and he wasn’t blind to the mean comments that would occasionally show up beneath videos or social media posts. he, himself, never found much issue in dealing with them, on occasion he’d get a little down but he knew that really he put himself up for this. he chose to show his face online, and with that would come some backlash. however, that didn’t mean he wasn’t worried about you or how shitty comments would effect your well being.

𓇻 definitely the “in a relationship but it’s private” sort of photos would slowly creep their way onto his IG posts. maybe of little date nights— candles on the table with a dinner you’d cooked together (2 glasses, 2 plates and 2 sets of cutlery), or your favorite cake he’d tried to bake himself with the lego flowers he’d spent the previous evening trying to make (because at least you could look at the lego ones forever and they wouldn’t die). or maybe even your hand snuck in a photo or simply your silhouette beneath a sunset.

𓇻 maybe a few of your own collectible items had made their way onto the shelf in his studio. an obvious beanbag in the corner (you’d often sit there and read as he went through emails or scripted videos). valentines cards that he’d never thought to take down, or posters of yours that never exactly fit in the bedroom

𓇻 it would become apparent that he was in a long-term relationship when he’d film a moving video. so much of your stuff mingled with his own, split seconds of the shared rooms he’d add to the video before showing his audience his new office space. the extra shoes and cute little additions to his home; soft cushions on the couch, ceramics you’d begged him to buy. your hoard of plushies that took up half the bed or the stupid amount of skin care products stacked up in the bathroom. all a sure way of telling his fans that he was serious about you, even if they had no idea of your name or face

𓇻 maybe with enough comments he’d make a little announcement at the end of a video.

𓇻 “i know you’ve all probably guessed by now, but i am in fact, in a relationship”

𓇻 and then proceeded to talk about you for 7 minutes because really he wanted everyone to know how much he loved you. and truthfully he never knew when to shut up when it came to you, not when you were what’s on his mind most of the time. he’d tell them how you’d met, and how he had been absolutely enamored by you almost instantly. he’d show everyone the matching bracelets you’d made. grinning as he showed off the receipt he’d kept in his wallet from your first date together at a small cafe in town, mentioning how he kept a baby photo of you in the back of his phone too.

𓇻 the first time you’d show up in a video, he’d plan for the both of you to do some crafts together one afternoon. a hobby you’d been trying over the last couple of weeks, and jungkook liked to indulge you. loved to watch you sprawled across the floor of an evening with glue coating your fingers and way too much glitter imbedded in the carpet.

𓇻 he’d have been worried at first. asking you over and over if it was truly okay for you to be on camera, and after your reassured him with a kiss, he’d settle down slightly. though his anxiety had still clung to him, eyes flitting your way throughout the afternoon

𓇻 he could tell how shy you’d been, and had reassured you that really you didn’t even need to address the audience. he’d do all the silly little things you giggled at him for. and all you had to do was sit there and be pretty for him. you’d been a lot quieter than usual; itching to give him a kiss each time he was just so awfully jungkook. eyes like those of galaxies when he got something right, or the happiest smile on his face when you asked him for help

𓇻 the day he did a 24 hour charity stream would be when his audience sees you the most. milling around the house, making sure your boyfriend was fed and watered. maybe even sitting down and reading the chat when he wanted to shower. or answering questions while perched on his lap. he’d want to smother you with even more love when you’d catch his eye— a silent question if you were doing okay, that you answered all the questions correct. and he’d squeeze your thigh in reassurance, head resting over your shoulder as he listened to your voice, humming to let you know he was still listening

𓇻 you’d startle him at 4am, a little pouty that you’d had to fall asleep alone. dragging a chair from the kitchen to sit on as you watch him play a game you’d never seen before.

𓇻 “go back to bed, baby” he’d coo, “you’ll fall asleep sitting up and get a bad back”

𓇻 and maybe after that he’s a lot more open to showing you on camera. filming you on beaches, eating cakes and ice creams from a million different restaurants or dancing around hotel rooms or sitting on the balcony with the sun warming your skin when he takes you on holiday. short films dedicated to you with your favorite songs playing in the background

𓇻 maybe he even makes a playlist on his youtube channel, titled “my love” for every video that he includes you in

𓇻 idk just very much in love boyfriend kook who wants the world to love you almost as much as he does (because in all honesty, no one would ever love you more than he does)

[diorsluv]

feather , part 10

“ i’m saying ‘no, no, no, no more’ ”

series m. list previous chapter next chapter

( socialmedia!au )

yourusername

liked by lhughes_06, adamfantilli, mackie.samo, and 74,028 others

yourusername little women hurt my brain so i went back to my happy place (aka gossip girl)

view all comments

edwards.73 i’m kinda scared to ask but uh… what’s the difference between gossip girl and gilmore girls

→ yourusername unfollow me rn

→ colecaufield wait no he’s valid (i don’t know the difference either)

→ yourusername both of u have asked me this 20 times already. i’m blocking u two.

markestapa i know the difference between gossip girl and gilmore girls!

→ mackie.samo me too!!

→ yourusername yeah bc u come to my place for gossip girl marathons like every other day

username64 LITTLE WOMEN

username78 FLORENCE PUGH OH MY GOD

jackhughes little women gives me war flashbacks

→ yourusername i wonder why 🤨

→ jackhughes hmmm maybe because you CALLED ME FOR 5 HOURS STRAIGHT JUST TO RANT TO ME ABOUT IT

→ yourusername IM SORRY

username14 is no one gonna talk about how she posted this at 2 in the morning 😭😭

bookerburke_ gossip girl is the one with the guy that played sam in supernatural right

→ yourusername no sweetie that’s gilmore girls…..

→ cole.caufield HEY HOW COME YOU’RE NICE TO HIM ABOUT IT BUT NOT US yourusername

username21 at least bertram isn’t in one of the pics this time

→ username35 LMAO BERTRAM

username69 i’m kinda sorta in love with your taste in tv shows and movies

yourusername

liked by jackhughes, adamfantilli, trevorzegras, and 82,185 others

yourusername went through my old photos and i guess this is sort of a photo dump.. if u ask me to explain the pics i might…….

so for all the trev, luke, jack, quinn, luca, mark, rut, turcs, eddy, and mackie girls, i hope you’re happy 🫶🫶

tagged: trevorzegras, _quinnhughes, mackie.samo, edwards.73, jackhughes, lhughes_06, _alexturcotte, rutgermcgroarty, luca.fantilli, markestapa

view all comments

lhughes_06 please for the love of god don’t explain the cow photo

→ username44 what happened in the cow photo 😧

→ yourusername okay username44 so basically i walked out of my parents house and i saw luke’s dumbass in a cow suit standing right next to my car

→ lhughes_06 I WAS 16 AND JACK SAID IF I DID IT HE’D DO MY CHORES FOR TWO WEEKS

adamfantilli why didn’t you post me 🫤🫤

→ yourusername i didn’t have any old bad pics of you 😕

username4 quinner is contemplating his life in that fishing pic

luca.fantilli okay but that cake was kind of good

→ yourusername uh huh maybe bc i made it

→ luca.fantilli ok i don’t know bout all THAT 🤣

→ yourusername ur the worst fantilli brother

trevorzegras i didn’t know everyone fell asleep on top of me on the couch 😅😅

_alexturcotte let me just say i beat cole in arm wrestling

→ cole.caufield yeah butttt who got the bigger gains??

→ _alexturcotte oh shut up

→ yourusername it’s okay turcs, not everyone’s as strong as cauliflower here

→ _alexturcotte BUT I LITERALLY BEAT HIM?? yourusername

→ cole.caufield hey lil drizzy i thought we left that nickname in 2020 🙃

markestapa you know i actually rode that skateboard pretty well

→ yourusername you fell flat on your ass

username76 i love how she’s exposing EVERYONE

edwards.73 hey it was fun getting thrown into the pool

→ yourusername says the one that started screaming bloody fuckin murder as soon as he hit the water

mackie.samo i look so disheveled eating that cake

rutgermcgroarty see me and jack held each other up in that second photo bc we’re just too strong for our own goods

→ jackhughes 🗣️🗣️

→ yourusername whatever helps you sleep at night

next chapter notes ) i’m actually grinding these chapters out it’s insane this one was really fun to make, esp the second post 😈😈 and also no booker this time so i hope yall like it a bit more lmaooo

[katsutora]

— DIAL

ft. isagi yoichi ; itoshi rin ; nagi seishiro ; bachira meguru ; itoshi sae

summary: call routine with them

note: i’ve seen some shit bro. being on this hell-site changes you fr. tag system is an absolute bullshit too. i can’t link jackshit. wow too many “shit” mentioned. shit.

⚘ ISAGI YOICHI

ㅤㅤcalls you at a sensible hour if you haven’t agreed on a specific time. he knows your schedule by heart so don’t worry because he won’t bother you in the middle of work, etc. if you do have a call schedule, then he’ll make sure to call at exactly that time. can be very punctual about this and will start seeing everyone as bowling pins once he realizes he’s gonna be a minute late. they don’t call him a STRIKEr for nothing. will listen and rant equally! he always has interesting stories; wbk being in a call with isagi is never boring. also expect his teammates popping up in the background because of course they want to bonk him in the head after running them over know the person who can temporarily turn him into chigiri. ah yes, the furious yelling ambient noise, a classic. “isagi yoichi istg—” “get your ass back in here wtf was that about?!” “you have a competition, princess.” “EVERYONE STFU!!!” never fails to make you giggle. bonus: screenshots you laughing because he adores you sm <3

⚘ ITOSHI RIN

ㅤㅤhe has a routine and you’re in it: three times a day; square meal style. his early calls are short and mostly consist of “good morning”, “have you had breakfast yet”, and “take care”; (borrowing his word) lukewarm shit like that. i love you. even though he usually prefaces his afternoon/evening calls with “i pressed it on accident” (back to back for months straight? yea sure), it’s clearly an excuse because he just wants to hear your voice but his pride isn’t letting him. i love you. it has also recently been brought up to his attention that he can’t seem to sleep peacefully without hearing your voice first. so tell him something, anything, or don’t. he’ll settle with just the comfortable silence after a “hello”. it’s also the only time of the day he’ll say it loud and clear: “i love you”.

⚘ NAGI SEISHIRO

ㅤㅤwhat’s a timezone? it can be in the middle of the day after practice or he can randomly hit you up at 2am after losing yet another round of game. acts out of impulse: when he misses you that’s when he calls you. it’s mostly video calls too! props up his phone so you can see choki his beloved but gets so pouty when you open up the conversation with “how’s choki?” before he can even show you the cactus lmao. “y’re supposed to be asking about me ( ´•︵•` )” he loooves long calls too (re: letting you watch him play without him saying a word whatsoever and no he did not lose track of time + the game after dedicating his next win to you?). is absolutely against ending it unless you really need to go. rip your phone battery.

⚘ BACHIRA MEGURU

ㅤㅤyou’re like an emergency call button but for whenever there’s something crazy going on. his living diary. a breathing, talking, and confused log entry. that being said, he contacts you at least once a day without a fail. well, that’s actually an understatement because he keeps calling then hanging up after telling you one (1) sentence?? “chigiri just ran me over; ok bye!” “my mom painted something inspired by you; later!” “rin-chan just said we’re all lukewarm, boo— ow, ouch!” gotta rely on his teammates to inform you about his well-being because calling him back is no use. “meguru?” “[unintelligible] [intense fighting ensues]” it’s fine, he makes up for it by showing up at your door later in the day. you think it’ll be funny if you close the door as soon as he finishes a sentence? “hi!!” [door closing] “h-wha- you won’t believe what happened today—” [door closing #2] “?? ok so it wasn’t chigiri who ran me over but isag—” imagine doing this after every sentence to teach him a lesson lmfao.

⚘ ITOSHI SAE

ㅤㅤhonestly? in the middle of a fucking interview because man is so unhinged i tell you. “so sae, are you ready for the next match?” ugh, this is so boring. “wait let me ask my s/o.” ??? this is broadcasted live, btw. you think just because he has a tight schedule and it’s nearly impossible to have a free time he won’t call you? he’ll find a way, he always does. likes to call you at the end of the day too and will never lose to the “who can stay awake the longest” game. is more of a listener than a talker, so go ahead and talk his ears off. he doesn’t mind if it’s you + he loves being the last one to end the call, making sure you get some rest (ps: he’s counting on you to wake him up the next day). you’ll receive a call from his manager in the morning saying that he won’t answer his phone and that they’re gonna be late for the next event. “goddamnit sae, not again.”

© 2023 katsutora ; do not repost and/or translate and/or claim my works

[ghouldtime]

Hiii it's me again lol

Okayokay, so I just finished reading your rant on the COD fandom's unique choice of pet names, and I'm gonna be straight up and say I'm going completely off topic and INSTEAD veer off to a side thing you pointed out to give my own opinion! This is a kinda hot take so I'm just screaming into the void hoping someone shares my thoughts 🖤

Sooo we all know the Ghost comics released alongside the OG MW2. I personally haven't read it due to the TWs but I've seen enough screenshots and summaries to get the gist of what happens. HOWEVER I believe those comics are only canon to 09 Ghost and doesn't apply to reboot Ghost, and this is what I meant about it being a hot take cuz almost everyone in the fandom agrees the comics happens for both. And I can definitely see why! I mean, we didn't exactly get any concrete backstory regarding reboot Ghost, so anything goes.

Where I stand on the line, I'm a firm believer of reboot Ghost being Just A Guy™️like he had a (relatively) chill childhood but there are some things that stay the same with the comics. Like Tommy scaring him with the skeleton mask when they were children, and Simon enlisting after the 9/11 attack (not sure if those are canon, it's just what I've heard so please correct me if I'm wrong). No abusive father, no Roba, no Christmas trauma. Sure it makes him less interesting but I find it pretty amusing how the person wearing a skull print balaclava has no real reason behind wearing it other than it looking cool lmao

Anyway, yap fest over! Hope you have a wonderful day/night and remember to hydrate! 🖤

- Biscuits 🌺

SALUTATIONS it's good to see you again, I hope you're doing swell as well :D 💚💚💚

Technically, what you're saying is true!

The '09 comics pair with the '09 character and are indeed cannon for only him as far as I'm aware (someone feel free to correct me if I'm wrong). The reboot lacks a true significant backstory. As in, if you search it up, you basically get "he joined the SAS and is super cool and is great at doing cool soldier things and probably can do a sick backflip". What we know about the reboot is basically what we experience in game. And until we get either another game focusing on his earlier life or have confirmed scenes of it, we really don't know.

Personally, how I distinguish "Ghost" as a being is as three versions.

You have '09 Ghost. '09 Ghost is the one we experienced in the OG games and the comics. He's the dead one - and the one with the actual official backstory. Those are both cannon and are tied to him as a character.

You then have Reboot Ghost. Reboot Ghost is, as the name entails, the reboot alone. Basically, what we have of him and know of him is what we experience in game. Technically, we don't know his backstory and the full extent of his life. Is it similar to his '09 counterpart? We don't know. He's kinda the "What you see is what you get". There's some things implied with his dialog but most of his story is up for debate.

And then we have what I'm calling Fandom Ghost who is the most common variant. Fandom Ghost is neither the reboot nor the '09 version - he's a middle ground. He's what everyone is thinking of when you hear 'Ghost'. Usually how I've seen him portrayed is the reboot with the '09 backstory or some semblance of that.

(Side note: I know it's quite typical to specify when you're referring to '09 Ghost specifically because he does, of course, have a very different history and outcome. Not to mention, the dynamics with him and Soap are very different than in the reboot which is another reason why people usually clarify and go "This is who I mean")

I've never actually seen a TRUE reboot Ghost that wasn't fandom based or fanon in writing, now that I think about it. Probably because it's not that easy to write about a character in a limited sense where you don't know much about them and you have to stick to the limited material you're given.

A lot of COD operators lack a significant backstory outside of their military history. That's mainly done because they're videogame characters of a military, shooting focused game and they don't usually have the time to go into depth as to why that character is the way they are. They're primarily soldiers who are saving the world and playing their role. You might see snippets here and there but the focus isn't on their background or the inner workings of their character in a very personal way, aside from what is revealed on missions to add a natural perspective and make them see more human

Because it's not like in the middle of a life or death situation you're going to sit down and explain that you had a dog growing up, you had three sisters, your favorite drink is Baja Blast, and you have a lifelong fear of Burger King.

'09 Ghost, however, we GOT a backstory. We were given something to work with. Clinging to that or melding it with the reboot, who lacks a backstory, is what a lot do because it's trying to make use of the best source material we got until we can maybe get something else too. Personally I was a fan of that backstory because it DID add depth to him, significantly so. I liked it.

Additionally, I think a LOT of people go that route too because it's something that's quite easy to look up so they don't need to make something themselves

(This is an entire theory and me putting on my tinfoil hat: There's a lot of people in the COD fandom who are just here for the big beefy men and don't do their research, haven't played the games - they're just assuming things. And when they see the fandom Ghost, they just assume it's true, and it spreads when they write their own stories. I hope this doesn't read like I'm trying to gatekeep or 'HOW DARE YOU NOT KNOW EVERYTHING' or 'you're not a true fan unless-', cause I really really really do not care. Do what makes you happy, but I'm going to avoid reading what I feel mischaracterizes him for sexual purposes alone hardcore)

I also like to imagine that maybe the team doing the reboots has enough common sense too to not entirely scrap such a backstory as hey, it IS interesting, so there's a strong possibility that reboot might share some origins. Kidding, I'm being fully delusional here and know they won't do that and will likely just ruin it and I'm hoping they don't have a chance. I know any new one they come up with -like the writing in the last campaign -would be utter carbonated hot dog water and I do not trust them at alllllll. I'm refusing to accept reboot Soap's death but that's a rant for another time

That being said though, there's technically no correct backstory yet for Reboot! Ghost aside from what we already know. Anything that adds backstory or melds anything else to him is making him fanon/fandom!Ghost (which is by far the most common iteration and the one people default too)

I love when people give him, and other COD characters, happy or somewhat not dramatic backstories. They already have enough going on with the wars they're thrown in, I live for them having a scrap of happiness and normality. I can't blame people for not wanting to write or deal with heavy backstories and it's nice to see variety and is SO super valid.

But at the same time, I also do like his OG backstory, I love seeing when people dig deeper into the gritty stuff too, exploring that side of characters because not everyone has the best life growing up. And joining the military and when they join can be telling too about their home life

Variety is the variety of life and when there's not exactly a cannon, then I love seeing people make their own reasonings and conclusions and write fanfics with their own theories. It's SO fun to explore what other people think and it really results in some of the sweetest fics that dive more into depth than the official writing team ever could hope to

The Ghost that I write are usually AU Ghosts anyhow so it allows me more flexibility in what I write. BUT if I'm writing for Ghost, I do the blend where it has more of the '09's backstory but his reboot vibes. THAT BEING SAID

I love making him just, A Dude©, still despite that. Having a bad past doesn't make him any less of a person - nor does it make him this ultra mega tough dominant edgy sigma bad boy. He's literally just a GUY. Sure, he has extensive SAS experience and training to boot. Sure, he's easily one of their top soldiers. He's a stone cold killer when he's Ghost. He's there to do the job.

But Simon? Simon's just a dude, like everyone else - they all are at the end of the day. Sure, they have their own personal struggles and do have to go through a lot, but they're still people. He goes to the grocery store and is genuinely confused about all the options of milk now (how the hell did they milk HEMP). He still makes his bed and has to fight the fitted sheet to stay on, using his size and strength to force it in place before it can do 'the thing' that all fitted sheets somehow do. He bought a bird feeder so he could watch the wildlife as he drinks his tea for breakfast. Speaking of tea, he has a whole collection! And the good shit, you know he won't settle for any less.

He's just A DUDE© at the end of the day and I love those mundane things because hell, he needs them to still feel human and to be reminded exactly what he's fighting for

I just find it so silly and ridiculous when he's consistently like "I'M Batman: I AM THE NIGHT" sheer dramatic levels of broody in stories or when he's put in as this mega dommy bad boy who is 6'5", growling constantly, and is like the posterchild for a wattpad biketok fanfic.

Lmaooo be for real, he's out here doing arts and crafts to make his masks. He has a whole paint collection and everything. He went into the craft store for paint and came out with two new hobbies and no, I'm not listening to anyone who says otherwise

[lowkeyrobin]

can you pretty please try doing reader who is a certified yapper 🗣‼️ but also has moments where they just get tired of talking and are dead silent for like 20 minutes straight and then go straight back to yapping 😼 sorry if its super specific lmao but i do this all the time

also could i maybe be 🦋 anon??

hello!! welcome to the family 🦋 anon! and yes ofc :) sorry if I misunderstood, kinda autopiloted to mcyt so sorry if you meant this for another fandom LMAO ; struggled to think of new thoughts so sorry for small cast of people 💀🙏

MCYT ; certified yapper

includes ; tommyinnit, ranboo, badlinu, quackity, & nihachu

warnings ; language

masterlist

TOMMYINNIT

he does the same thing

will rant about anything and everything especially if you're talking about the same thing

but if it's out of the blue like "omg look at this tik tok drama blah blah blah" he just blinks before he's like "oh shit. here we go again"

then you just stop talking after a moment and gets weirdly uneasy with the silence

"can you talk more?"

"about what??"

he just shrugs "I like when you yap away, you're nice background noise"

you dramatically scoff "Okay, asshole"

you're silent for a while and just start revving up the engine again "Holy shit here's another thing, this girl-"

RANBOO

nods along and actually listens

dude doesn't care, they're listening to you no matter what

whether it be about serious topics or some silly internet stuff you like, he'll always listen and make sure to note it down that way he can start a conversation with you about something you like or are passionate about

"yknow what I like about the nether?"

"what?" he smiles

"how pretty and diverse it is. yeah you can say the overworld is just as if not more diverse with biomes and stuff, but they could've just left it boring red netherrack everywhere you go and stuff, it adds so much more life-"

they love how passionate about things you can be

if for a very extended period of time, they'll check up on you like "you good?"

you just nod like "I'm tired of talking L"

BADLINU

nods along with you

he doesn't see it as yapping, he sees it as a genuine conversation no matter what you're talking about

adds some stuff in when you like pause to breathe

once you go quiet he can just sit in silence with you forever

this is basically his opportunity to talk to you about like tik tok drama lmao

if you don't know about it at all, all ears open and you're focused

your dynamic 🔛🔝

QUACKITY

you're both yappers let's be honest

constantly talking over each other and play fighting for the most attention out of other people 💀💀

"SHUT THE HELL UP I'M TALKING"

"I WAS TALKING FIRST, LET ME TELL THEM ABOUT MY NEW FAVORITE MOVIE"

then you just get tired of talking and wanna strip mine or something LMFAO

he always checks to make sure he didn't upset you after every time you go silent

it's just by reflex lmao

he does listen to you when you yap about a fixation don't worry

gift inspo goes crazy

NIHACHU

loves when you talk or yap about something you like or some drama you found

she's like your safe person to talk about everything to, she loves having that kind of title for you

"and then xyz"

"Oh my God, really??"

she'll whole ass put everything down just to listen to you talk about dumb shit I swear

she encourages it, like just speak your mind dude

also uses what you talk about as gift inspiration for anything, birthday, valentines day, anytime she wants to get you stuff

half the time you forget what you just said and she recaps you

"Oh, thank you! anyways-"

[devotedlykoneshots]

NAKAMOTO YUTA : SUGAR DADDY

Genre: 18+ , minors dni, 🔞, sugar daddy plot, yuta is persistent, straight filth at the end by bad.

Word count: 5,440 ( the longest fix I've ever written, I got too into it lmao)

---------

He was just a man, wealthy , young , attractive, successful businessman.

You were an average worker just getting by , living paycheck to paycheck.

You had met him at a restaurant and from the looks of it , he was in the middle of dinner with his colleagues and honestly you felt a little bit out of dress.

There they were chatting and laughing as they sat there in their expensive suits, while you sat there in a dress you found on sale at rainbow and you were waiting for your boyfriend.

Your very late boyfriend.

You're not sure when or how long he'd been staring at you but one of the guys definitely were looking your way , sipping on wine that was probably twice your rent as you sipped on water.

Your eyes only seemed to widen further as he excused himself and got up to walk over to your table, you dumbly looked around to see if he was walking towards someone behind you but when you turned around he was taking a seat in front of you.

"Can I help you?" You asked him and he ran his fingers through his burgundy hair.

"Sorry , I couldn't help but notice you were all alone"you snorted at the irony and shook your head.

"I'm just waiting for my boyfriend"you said and he raised an eyebrow at you.

"You got here before me and we've been here for 2 hours, why stay?"he asked and you looked down, you hadn't realized.

"Sorry , I don't mean to pry"he apologized and you shook your head.

"Something must've come up"you made yet another excuse for your boyfriend.

"Have you eaten?"he asked, as far as he knows you haven't and the water you'd been sipping on for hours was definitely warm by now.

"No"you said reluctantly and he turned his head to whistle at the waiter, waving him over.

"What are you doing?"you asked him and he raised his eyebrows at you, the what should have been obvious by now.

"You've been here for over two hours and you've yet to eat, what does it look like I'm doing?"he got sassy with you, further taking you back at the scene unfolding in front of you.

"She's ready to order"he tells the waiter and the employee turns to grab you a menu.

"You're crazy"you run your fingers through your hair , this was not how you expected your Friday night to go.

"You can thank me next time"he said as he stood up from your table and walked away.

"Next time? Wha-"you're cut off by your boyfriends arrival, your anger flaring up.

"What was that about?"he asked and you ignored him, asking him a question of your own.

"Where were you?"he sat down in front of you and grabbed your hand, rubbing his thumb on the back of it and usually you'd melt at his affection but tonight was not one of those times.

"Something came up"for 3 hours? You wanted to ask.

"So, you couldn't send me a text? Instead you allowed room for another man, a stranger - to buy me dinner at my favorite restaurant that you promised you'd do on our anniversary"you ended up snapping at him instead and this idiot ignored majority of your rant, focusing on one little part.

"He bought you dinner?"he'd asked , you almost wanted to slap some sense into him quite literally.

"Of course that's all you got from that"you rolled your eyes and took the menu from the waiter.

The rest of the night was spent with your boyfriend eating something cheap from the menu while you ate something you'd always wanted to try and drank the wine you'd been eyeing all night.

Your boyfriend finally got the hint, you wouldn't put up with his foolishness for much longer.

So you're not surprised to find a bouquet of roses (not your favorite) on your desk at work the next morning with a note from him.

You however couldn't help but think back to the man responsible for your boyfriends sudden change in attitude.

Who was he?

Your answer would come only 2 weeks later at a party with your friends, celebrating your best friends engagement.

"Since our anniversary he's really straightened up and I'm loving it really but it still angers me that all it took was another man showing interest in me to get his act together"you explained and karina raised her eyebrows.

"Who is this mystery man?" Jennie asked and you shrugged your shoulders.

"He never told me his name and I haven't seen him since"you tell her and she hums.

"We're in a better place because of it"you concluded and you honestly weren't expecting to see him at all for the rest of your life maybe but that's not how it works.

"Well cheers to that"yeji laughs and you all drown your shots , they all laugh and tease you as you're the last one to finish.

Just then the doors opens and a group of men enter the room, directly going to the VIP section and that's when you see him.

He's dressed different now and a lot more appetizing if you say so yourself,  he's dressed in all black and his sleeves are rolled up to show off his arms.

"Oh my god"you're quick yo turn around and your friends are instantly on alert.

"What?"they asked in unison, jihyo being the mom she is starts to rub your back.

"That's him, the one that bought me dinner"you told them and they whipped around to look for him but you weren't very specific.

"Where?"Karina asked.

"VIP section, to the left of the guy with the undercut"you tell them and after spotting him they turn to you, whispering but clearly wanting to yell.

"NO FUCKING WAY"

"WHAT?"you whisper , they obviously knew who he was.

"THATS NAKAMOTO YUTA, SUPER FUCKING RICH"Lisa makes her presence known.

"NOT RICH , WEALTHY"Jennie looks like she's about to bust a but just thinking about him.

"he's coming over"Karina is the most calm.

"What?"you turn around just in time to see him walking over to you.

"If we keep meeting up like this I'm gonna start thinking you're stalking me"he smirked and you never thought you'd find a man smirking hot but here we are.

"We both know who's really stalking who here"you roll your eyes and he snickers at your change in attitude from the last time you met.

"I just realized I never got your name"he said and you opened your mouth to say something witty but Jennie was faster.

"Its y/n, I'm Jennie"holding out her hand and he shakes it politely.

"Yuta"he never took his eyes off of you and you couldn't help but question what his intentions were.

"Do you wanna join us?"he asked and raising your eyebrows.

"I can't , I'm celebrating my best friends engagement"you turned down the offer and jihyo looks around dramatically.

"What engagement you talking about?"she asked and you burst out laughing , shaking your head at her silly antics.

"You're all welcome to join us"he offered and you shake your head, you couldn't.

"I have a boyfriend"you told him , it wasn't right.

"So do i"Jennie said but still strutted her way up to the VIP section and you sighed, going against your better judgement.

"Okay....lead the way"you gave in and yuta placed a hand on your back to lead the way.

"These are my friends , haechan, johnny, jaehyun, doyoung, taeil, jeno, Lucas, jaemin and mark"yuta smiles as he introduces you and your friends to his own.

--------

You got home late that night and your boyfriend was not happy one bit but you'd just told him you were with your friends , it wasn't a lie but it wasn't the truth either.

The next time you saw yuta you were at work and you shook your head as he walked up to you.

"You're definitely stalking me now" you commented and he chuckles.

"Could you blame me, I may have grown quite fond of you" he said and you raised your eyebrows, you kinda figured that much.

"I have a boyfriend"you reminded him for the millionth time it felt like and he was rather blunt with his response.

"I don't really care"he admitted and you looked down.

"Can I get you something from our menu? I can't have you holding up my line"you asked him and he chuckles at your attempt to get him to leave.

"When do you get off work?"he asked instead and you sighed.

"Why? Don't you have anything better to do than chase after a taken woman?" You asked and he raised his eyebrows again.

"Better to be chased than taken for granted , don't you think?"he quipped and your jaw dropped before you closed it.

"I'm not..."you shake your head and reminded him of the obvious.

"You're holding up my line"he turns his head to see a group of people behind him , he flashed them a smile and the girls all melted right on the spot.

"I'll leave , when you tell me what time you get off"he insisted and you stomp your feet like a little toddler before giving in.

"8pm tonight, now please" he smiled at your frustrated state.

"I'll be here at 7:30 to pick you up"he said and looked at him with wide eyes for what felt like the millionth time.

"Wait - what?"

---------

"I'm just going to say it"he immediately jumps up after the last customer leaves and you raised your eyebrows at him.

"Okay...."you're not used to seeing him so....nervous? He's always been chill and laid back, very sure of himself and his abilities.

"I want to take care of you..... financially, I want you to quit that useless place you call a job and yes I know you have a boyfriend"he tells you before you could even say it and you bite your bottom lip, as long as he knew.

"I don't really care honestly , if I have to watch you walk home one more time and in the cold for Christ sake I'm literally going to buy this shit joint"damn was it ever really that serious? You chuckle at your own inner commentary.

"You want to be my sugar daddy?"you asked and his face twisted into one of disgust.

"God , don't say it like that. I'm not old and I'm not asking for anything in return , just let me take care of you and if you decide to ditch that pathetic excuse of boyfriend later down the line then I wanna be the one to help you celebrate"damn , he really doesn't like your boyfriend huh?

"I don't know, I mean that's not fair to him"you tell him and he rolls his eyes, licking his lips.

"When has he ever been fair to you? He's not even here to pick you up from work and you have to catch a bus and walk 20 minutes to get home, god knows what could've happened had I not been here."now how in the hell?

"How do you know-"he cuts off your incoming question.

"I have my ways....just let me drop you off and think about what I'm offering"he said and you sigh, a ride home did sound nice.

"Okay....just a ride home"you agreed, following him to his car in the parking lot and you gaped at the red ferrari.

"Have you eaten?"his voice brings you from your trance as he unlocks the car and opens your door for you, your stomach growling answered his question and you get in the car.

"What do you wanna eat?"he asked and you looked over at him as he gets in the car, doors locked and you just noticed how good he smells up close.

"You said a ride home"you tell him and he rolls his eyes, it wasn't a big deal for him but it was for you.

"Now its just a pit stop to grab something to eat, you've got to take better care of yourself"he slightly scolds you and you scoff, folding your arms.

"I take care of myself fine"you look out of the window and its his time to scoff now.

"Really? Because every time we meet you hadn't eaten in hours."he said and you looked at him, you hadn't even met that much.

"Maybe I wasn't hungry"you counter and he chuckles, pulling out of the parking lot.

"Yeah because you devoured the food i bought you at the restaurant within minutes because you weren't hungry"you noticed he matched your energy well, talking to him was easy and he seemed to love to tease you as well.

"You watched me"you gasped and hit his arm before you realized what you had done , you went to apologize but his next comment sent a chill up your spine.

"I'm always watching you"he said and you focus on the road ahead of you.

"Why me? You could have any girl in the world and you chose me, even Jennie wants you and she's my friend"you tell him and he snorts, glancing over at you.

"You need a better friend"he said and you shake your head , Jennie was a good friend for the most part but she was hyper sexual and she wasn't ashamed of her sexuality.

"We're not together , she doesn't owe me anything"you wave off his comment.

"I have plenty of other friends she's welcome to shoot her shot at but its not gonna happen with me"damn he was dead set on you.

"You didn't answer my question, why me?"you asked again, turning your body to face him and he keeps a hand on the wheel as he let's your seat back for you to get more comfortable.

"I don't know, I just got this feeling the first time we met and I just knew I had to have you"he wasn't afraid to be honest with you and why would someone of his status be anything but honest with you.

"You can't have me, you know that right"you tell him and he hums.

"Yet"is all he says and you're taken back by his answer.

"You really are crazy"you laugh and look out the window , he chuckles.

"The best ones are"

--------

Your boyfriend wasn't happy and you sympathized with that part, you'd been doing a lot of things you normally wouldn't do and now they were catching up to you.

You woke up one morning and your face was all over the news, pictures of you with yuta at all of the places you'd run into each other together and your boyfriend was seeing this for the first time.

"You lied to me! You said you were with your girls"you remembered yuta whispering into your ear that night about how unfortunate it was that you were taken and how his arm was draped over the back of the couch behind you.

"It wasn't a lie but it wasn't the whole truth either" you winced and he paced across the floor.

"Are you sleeping with him?"he asked and you scoffed.

"I'm not you, I don't sleep with people I barely know"irritated that he would even considered that as an option.

"So what are you?"he asked and you rolled your eyes.

"He wants to take care of me...financially"you told him and he scoffed.

"What did you tell him?"he asked and you looked down at your fingers.

"I'd think about it"you said and he laughed bitterly.

"Oh for the love of god, you practically agreed"he accused you and your anger flared up.

"I didn't agree for you! because its not fair for you!"you yelled at him, pretty sure you'd get a noise complaint filed.

"You don't care about me"he shakes his head and that angered you even more.

"Really? Did you not forget why we're in this mess to begin with? You were 3 hours late to your own anniversary dinner"you rightfully reminded him why this stranger had taken interest in you.

"I'm still with you because I care , I haven't agreed because I care and I feel terrible because I care"you continued to go off , not once had you when remotely entertained this mans advances. 

"Its not my fault you gave him an opening and now he won't back off and he's aware I have you but he's never crossed the line"you told him and it was true although yuta wanted you he'd never touched you or made you feel like you couldn't make your own decisions.

"I can't do this, you wanna whore yourself out to some rich guy then be my guest and I won't stand in your way"now you were livid.

"If you wanna go so bad.... I'll help you"you announced and got off the couch, going to your bedroom to help him pack.

"Y/n , don't you touch my stuff-" he's cut off by a shoe barely missing his face and its followed by various clothes and shoes.

"Get out!"you yelled at him and threw the suitcase as well , him barely dodging it.

"I'm the one that should be angry!"he yelled but packed his things anyway.

"I get it , you feel threatened and I'm not gonna hold your hand anymore. Especially when I've been loyal despite him continuously making advances on me"you help him pack and you even zipped up the suitcase.

"Whore myself out....if anyone is a whore its you and you can go to hell with your insecurities because you didn't start acting like a man until he came along"you continued to go off in his shit but you still handed him his coat and opened the door for him, slamming it shut in his face.

--------

You found yourself in a bind and since you were single now, your boyfriend got kicked out and rent was due soon, you had no choice but to accept yutas offer.

"I'm sorry that happened"he frowned sympathetically but you both knew he was happy as hell that you got dumped.

"You're so happy , you can't even hide it"you scoff and he chuckles, shrugging his shoulders.

"You don't need him"he said and you sigh, resting your chin on your hand.

"I don't wanna need you either"you pout and he mimics your posture, including the pout.

"You don't , just think of this as payback for turning your world upside down in the best way possible."he grinned and you rolled your eyes , sharing your head.

"You're a mess"you tell him and he bites his bottom lip, sliding forward more.

"I can make you a mess"you jump back and blush as he laughs at your flustered state.

"Yuta"you cover your face and he shrugs, sitting back in his chair.

"Your fault not mine"

"So how does 250k every 2 weeks sound?"he changes the subject , taking you by surprise again.

"What? Yuta-"he cuts you off.

"Rule number one, take what I give you and I mean....everything"he's serious and demanding for the first time , you're not surprised when you feel a tingle in your uh....lower region.

"What am I supposed to do with 250k?"you asked him, jaw still on the floor and he hums as he takes a finger to press against your chin.

"Move out of that wretched apartment for starters"you frown, that was your first apartment.

"I'm taking care of you now and my love, you deserve the best of what life has to offer and you'll also need a new wardrobe."he said and looks out of the window but when he looks back, you're still frowning.

You found nothing wrong with your wardrobe but even Jennie has called you out for your lack of fashion sense many times before.

"You're cute but johnny would kill me if he saw you rocking what could be mistaken as baby phat"your jaw dropped again and he chuckles.

"He and his partner mingi can help you with that, they love fashion like that"you huff and fold your arms over your chest.

"Keep doing that and I'll give you a reason to huff" you dropped your arms instantly and looked out if the window, only hearing his laughter ring in your ears.

--------

You sat on the stool at your new apartment and yuta walked around very pleased with what he saw, his friend doyoung helped you decorate and he definitely had an eye for interior design.

"How do you feel?"he asked as he followed you out onto the balcony, it was a nice set up and the fairy lights only made it better.

"Weird , its gonna take some getting used to"you say after a moment and he nodded, understanding that.

"Your personal driver will take you anywhere you wanna go , until you get your drivers license" he must've noticed the confusion on your face when you saw two cars in the driveway.

"I don't know what to say"you said, in just a few months your life had changed completely and you were still trying to grasp that this was reality.

"Thank you?"he chuckles and you shake your head at him.

"I feel like I should do more than that"you tell him and he shakes his head.

"You don't have to, I just wanna take care of you"he reminds you, he's always kept his promise of wanting nothing in return.

"Who's gonna take care of you?"you asked and he turned to you.

"What do you mean?"he asked, blatantly confused but he gets the hint as you pull him closer by his belt and start to unbuckle it and his jeans.

"I wanna take care of you"you whispered and he grabs your hands with a groan.

"Y/n , look at me"he demands and you look up at him with your bottom lip trapped between your teeth.

"I want you....god knows i do but not like this, I don't want you to do this because you feel like you owe me"he explained and you furrowed your eyebrows, confused.

"Why?"you asked, you never thought you'd see a man turn down a blowjob.

"I want you on your knees because you want me and there's nothing that could quetch your thirst except for my cock"his forehead meets yours and you whimper, his grip on your wrists tighten at the sound and he wanted nothing more than to bend you over the railing and mark his claim on your body and soul.

"Don't say things like that and push me away"you voice brought him back to reality.

"Another time, yeah?"he asked as the door to your apartment opened and you nodded.

"Yeah"you almost forgot about the house warming party.

"Don't ask"he said , turning his attention to haechan and the rest of his and your friends as he fixed his pants.

"Wasn't going to"haechan held up his hands in surrender.

The next time you're alone with yuta was at his vacation home in Italy, you were relaxing in a jacuzzi and yuta watched you from the back door. The way your chest rose with every breath you took and he's snapped out of his trance once he hears a bunch of commotion.

Both of your friend groups seemed to have combined because now whenever you'd go on a trip they weren't far behind.

"Mind if I join you?" Yuta asked as he approached your figure and you smiled, nodding your head and he places your legs on top of his lap as your friends join you.

"This is great" Jennie smiles but you're too preoccupied with trying to keep a straight face as yuta rubs your thighs innocently, your mind however was absolute filth.

"I'm going to get a drink" you stand up and move to get out of the jacuzzi , wrapping a towel around yourself and yuta joins you.

You both go into the house after drying your feet and hair off with another towel , what do you want?"he asked as he opened the fridge and you hugged him from behind.

"I want you"you kissed his bare shoulder and he turns around, sitting his beer on the counter.

"Y/n"he goes to grab your hands but you smack his away, him raising an eyebrow at you.

"I want you now, yuta"you're not backing down this time, you want him.

No, you need him.

"Damn , are you sure?"he asked as he grabs your waist and you step closer, nodding and hiding your face in his neck.

"Yes, please" you lift your head and stand on your tiptoes to kiss his lips, he's taken aback by your boldness but kisses you back nonetheless.

"Jump" he breathes against your lips and you jump, wrapping your legs around his waist and kissing his lips more before your lips trail down to his neck.

"Fuck-" he turns and makes the walk to your room , the both of you having two separate rooms not far from each other .

You bite down on his neck after he closes the door with his foot and he walks to the bathroom with you, you realized he was heading towards the shower.

"Let me help you wash the chlorine off first, then I'm all yours" he promises and you nod, letting him carry you in the shower and turn on the water before putting you down.

He turns you around and presses you up against his chest, your bikini top comes off first and your bottoms follow the same fate.

His lips are on your neck and you whimper as you push your ass up against his front, he moves and trails kisses down your body.

His tongue touches every piece of skin on your body and you can't help but get even more turned on by that , the water turning off brings you back and yuta leads you out.

He doesn't care about the water and tosses your still wet frame on the bed, you gasp and he's quick to hover over you as his lips return to your own.

His tongue pushes into your mouth uninvited and you count help but moan, wrapping your legs around him and your fingers run through his dripping hair.

"Yuta" you whine as he pulls back and kisses his way from your jawline to your lower belly, not forgetting to give some love to your nipples using his tongue and mouth.

"Inside" you whimper and he tsks , shaking his head and continuing to move at his own pace which you huff at but that only earns you a slap to your pussy.

"Yuta!" You squeak and cover yourself from getting slapped again.

"What did I say about that huffing?" He asked and you bit your bottom lip.

"I'm sorry" you apologize and he coos , pushing your hands out of the way and continuing to kiss further down.

He stops at your inner thighs and sucks the skin into his mouth , so close to where you want him and he could care less about your needy little pussy craving for his attention.

Was he punishing you?

That thought was wiped from your train of thought as soon as his lips closed around your clit and a moan rips the the depths of your gut, right were you wanted his dick to be by now.

"You're so wet baby"hands throwing your legs over his shoulder and he digs in, not holding back and placing a hand on your lower abdomen to hold you in place as he attacks your leaking pussy with his tongue.

"Needy baby- how good am I doing?" He asked and continued to lick you feverishly , his tongue adding just the right amount of pressure that has you cumming undone just how he likes.

"Fuck" he can't help but chuckle as he watches you come back down to earth, he's now at your side and rubbing slow circles on your clit.

"Too much" you push his hand away and he kisses your cheek.

"You did so good" he praises you and you smile lazily at him, your hand trailing down and grabbing his bare cock which was fully hard.

"Fuck me, please mr nakamoto" you whine and squeeze the base as you lazily stroke his cock, he smacks your hand away and gets up.

He grabs your waist and manhandles you into the position he wants, ass up and face down.

You're angled towards the mirror he had set up in your room and now you know why he had it a specific way, you cry out his name as he smacked your ass harshly and he grinned that evil smile he had.

Slap after slap he landed them all on both of your ass cheeks and you closed your eyes, a tear falling down your face and you jerk away from him once his tongue makes contact with your stinging skin.

"Y-yuta"you whimper.

"I've waited to have you for months , I guarantee you're not leaving this room for a few hours"was that supposed to be a threat? Your body was tingling with anticipation.

"Do your worst"you challenged him and he thrusted his cock into you , his hand pushing your face in the pillow to muffle your scream and he's pulling your hair back soon after. 

"Ag- fuck"you cry out as he pounds his cock into you roughly and your eyes roll to the back of your head, his hands moving to grip your hips to guide your movements and set a faster rhythm.

"You're just all bark aren't you? Just a whiny brat that acts up when she's not stuffed full of cum"you clench down on his cock and he chuckles, grabbing your neck and pulling you up against his chest.

"Is that what you want pretty? Want Mr nakamotos cum in your pathetic cunt?" You whimper and he thrusts his hips faster, a hand dropping down to rub your clit and you cry out again.

"Fuck! You're gonna make me cum" he pulls out immediately and moves away, laying down on the bed and resting his arms behind his head.

"W-why'd you stop?" You whine and pout, he chuckles and beckons you to come closer.

"You're gonna have to work for it. come on, love and ride my cock"you nod and straddle his lap, lining his tip up with your entrance and you whimper as you slide down.

"Move" he demands and you nod, rocking your hips back and forth as he watches you. You couldn't lie , he looked sexy like that.

"Come on, bounce your ass on my cock" you bite your bottom lip and start to bounce on his cock, moans leave your lips and you feel your climax getting closer again.

"I feel-"you're cut off by a slap to the ass.

"Faster, fuck my cock like the horny slut you are"you obey him immediately and the only thing on your mind was his cock.

"You're so-" you're cut off again.

"Attractive? I'm aware, I'm also aware that my baby isn't fucking me hard enough and therefore she must not want to cum"he goes to pull you off his cock but you slap his hands away.

"I can do it" you promised and lean forward, arms caging him in and your ass bouncing faster and harder.

"Fuck- that's a good fucking girl" he spreads your ass cheeks and plants his heels in the bed, thrusting his cock up into you and you cry out once again.

"I'm cumming!" You warned him and pulls you down for a kiss, tongues colliding messily as you both chase that euphoric feeling of ecstacy.

"Cum with me"you hide your face in his neck as you clamp down on his dick and he groans deeply, your body trembling on top of him as your orgasm ran through you and he cums deep into your heat.

"Fuck" he runs a soothing hand down your back , kissing your forehead before carefully rolling you onto the bed beside him.

"I'll go get you some water, we're starting again in 5 minutes" and with that he left the room.

[yakuzabrainrotlive]

Did start Yakuza 5 yesterday! I played for 6 hours, had a BLAST. Finished chapter 1 and got a good amount of time put into chapter 2. I enjoyed going around town, grinding and doing side content. Had to gather my thoughts so posts had to come later. Yes, this is a two-parter.

My stats at the end of my little session:

Some thoughts below! I made NOTES for myself on characters and such this time around. This post is gonna be more plot and character speculation-focused; the next post will be more about gameplay mechanics, side content, general thoughts etc.!

Small-ish rant/monologue about protagonist numbers in the last section, though. Could have gone into part 2, but wanted it off my chest asap lmao

This title screen is sooooo not ominous!! I did not shiver in fear of what's to come when I saw it!! I'm sure Kiryu will be having a BLAST this game!

....🥲😭

SO! We're in 2012. Two years, huh. Seems like everything has kinda gone the opposite way from my wishes after the end of Y4, especially in regards to Kiryu.. or should I say, Suzuki's character. I really wanna know what happened in these past years to make him run away like this. He seems MISERABLE!! I feel bad for him😭

Daigo infodumping to Kiryu about Tojo business while Kiryu was just trying to get his paycheck was kind of funny to me, not gonna lie. But also kind of sad. Kiryu seems to be trying even harder to cut off anything Tojo from his life, even as Daigo was trying to reach out. I'm so curious about this time skip era!! Give me the tea!!

Okay. I was kinda assuming Morning Glory was gonna be left behind or kind of in the background (based on Kiryu's outfit), but... Haruka as well, huh. That's. Yeah. And he (debatably) hasn't straight up just abandoned them 100%, he's putting SIGNIFICANT and harsh distance between himself and the people he cares for. Ouch. Feels eerily similar to what he did in Y0 with Nishiki, Kazama, Reina and Kashiwagi.

This is all very... drastic. Changing his name, moving away and leaving EVERYONE behind? Including Haruka? This is exactly the opposite of what Kiryu was vowing to himself, to Daigo and even to Saejima in a way back in Y4. Either the writers changed their minds about his arc or something is off. I'm dreading finding out which one it is. Currently I feel like he's either actively in major danger right now, and hence decided to resort to such measures, OR something happened that he blames himself for.

I love Nakajima. He's so good! In general as a person (at least it seems that way) AND to Kiryu. Which probably means he's gonna die. RIP in advance, King🫡🫡

This dynamic is either gonna be absolutely insufferable, or maybe kind of okay. I have no predictions on how this will turn out, I was completely wrong about Kiryu's possible character arc in this game so... idk. Kiryu has blindsided me. But for now I don't think this will become a romance.

What I find interesting is the tidbit Nakajima gave about the situation where Kiryu saved her, where Nakajima also met him for the first time - Kiryu was getting DESTROYED in a fight. Kiryu, destroyer of whole clans, the one-man army, getting his shit kicked in by random local yakuza? Was he trying to refrain from using any sort of violence (even in self-defence??), or... was he recovering from significant injuries he got before the fight?

Now, I'm just assuming, based on Mayumi's character profile section and Nakajima's description of the woman Kiryu saved (she was very pretty) that Mayumi IS the woman Kiryu was defending when Nakajima first met him. I'm quite sure it was her.

What I wouldn't give to hear his thoughts in this scene... I was very conflicted the whole time; on one hand I wanted to SHAKE Kiryu and side with the Tojo guys. Why abandon Daigo? I understand it's probably just so he doesn't get stuck in another Tojo mess, but... it's Daigo!! Come on!! But I can also see that Kiryu feels... guilty?? Conflicted?? There was a storm of EMOTIONS brewing in his eyes. What a mess. He clearly doesn't like the situation but he also really wants NOTHING to do with it.

Kinda off topic, but massive props to those two for taking Kiryu on so boldly despite knowing who he is (was? I have no idea). They are Tojo men, they've heard the stories. Yet, they still tried. The balls on these guys!!

As for the man of the hour... Daigo. MIA - conveniently right before this alliance (opposed by some important people) gets to fully come to fruition, as the current leader of the Kansai group is dying soon🤔

I feel as though Daigo knew something would happen. He sought Kiryu out and was quite insistent to talk to him. At the beginning of the game I found the lore dump he dropped on Kiryu's unwilling mind weird and almost amusing, but looking back on it now... it almost feels like he was giving Kiryu information he'd need to solve the case if he happened to go missing. He even named possible suspects.

Why not go to a trusted clan member? They'd probably throw a hissy fit and wanna call everything off, maybe even start a new, very bloody conflict. All just because Daigo suspected something might happen to himself. This whole situation stinks.

Current theory: one, or all three, of the Kansai leader hopefuls are in cahoots with the uhhh *checks notes* Yahata(?) dude. The Yamagasa family captain. Why? To stop the alliance because they all hate the Tojo clan. They probably have Daigo locked up. Or maybe Daigo is dead already.

One final thing: was NOT thrilled to see "Part 1: Kiryu Kazuma" 😬 I was kinda hoping for a single-protag game, tbh 👉🏻👈🏻

Okay, hear me out! IF the other protag(s) is/are the Yakuza 4 lads, I'll be okay! But if there's a new guy (or, god forbid, 2 of them), I don't know if I'm gonna like that. I liked Y4 a lot, but it was also a lot to keep track of, and it felt like everyone got very little time in the spotlight - especially Kiryu and Saejima.

I'm almost suffering from... new protagonist fatigue after 4. I'm okay seeing many new side characters, but new playable characters with their own fighting styles that I have to learn, human relationships, backstories and motivations... Getting to know and to "bond with" another batch of new playable people seems like a very tiring task to get through at this point.

If we have 2+ protagonists, I want them to be from Y4 or earlier, because I already know them in a way and I'm not opposed to seeing more of them because it doesn't seem as overwhelming. I wanna see more of Saejima at least, if we HAVE to have alternating protagonists.

[blackgirlsuperherorants]

Alright, thoughts on Kaos, after watching the first three episodes. I'm going to try to keep this more organized than it's gonna wanna come out, but no promises lmao.

I REALLY want to like the show. In fact, I don't hate it, strictly speaking. It's... interesting? But it's also a really frustrating watch, for me. I guess the biggest problem for me is that it very much feels like a show that would have worked better if it was made 15 years ago. Like, it's a very late 2000s, early 2010s show. Which isn't terrible, but compared to other recent shows in the fantasy genre, it just feels like... something that would've been edgy and boundary-pushing in like 2009, but falls flat in 2024.

And I hate to do a lot of comparing, but as a creator, as a writer, as a show runner, they needed to expect comparison to happen. Especially when they're dealing with figures from one of the most studied, most read, and most adapted mythologies in human history. And like, yes, please do your own take on Greek gods-- on Greek myth in general. I am not expecting a 1 to 1 interpretation, and the fact that the show is doing it's own thing with these figures is not a problem for me. It's just not hitting. And in a time when there are VERY POPULAR books, movies, shows, and plays using these same characters and telling versions of these same stories, like... you gotta compete. You gotta pay attention to what others have recently and popularly done with the stories, and yours has to be as good or better or it's just going to fall short. And for me, that's what's happened, here, with Kaos. I'm going to try to go into detail about what I think works well and what I think isn't working, so be mindful of spoilers.

Their version of Zeus... I dunno. I like him, I guess? But I'm not sure if that's just because Jeff Goldblum is very interesting to watch or not. I think the thing they got really right about Zeus, and many of the other gods depicted here, is the casual cruelty and indifference. A lot of shows and movies about these Greek deities are either afraid to depict them as too cruel (making them Good Guys TM), or make them just villains-- rarely is the balance met well. And, well, I think that's one of the things that this show does best. When Hera disguises herself as Zeus and fucks Zeus's little human lover, then makes the girl go through a full pregnancy in seconds and turns her into a bee and makes Zeus kill the baby-- that was GREAT. I hated it and loved it because it was so mean and cruel and Zeus just snapped the baby's neck like it was nothing, because it was nothing to him. A very good depiction, in my opinion, of how cruel these gods can be without even an ounce of remorse for the mortal they're being cruel to.

But, again, I dunno if I like what the show is doing with Zeus, in particular, or if I'd just enjoy watching Jeff Goldblum read the phonebook for 9 hours straight, you know?

Hera? She's wonderful. 10/10, no notes. I love this Janet McTeer as Hera, I love the way Hera is depicted, I love the way she looks. She eats.

Now, to my biggest problems with the series, and I apologize in advance because I have A LOT OF FEELINGS about it. I've been ranting about it every time I try to sit through episodes.

Let's start with my beloved Dionysus. Now, I want to be clear: Nabhaan Rizwan is great as Dionysus. He is giving such a good performance, it's just... something is lacking. Which makes me feel like it's on the creative side. Like, it's the direction or the writing or something that is off. So, they're obviously going for this... like... youthful boredom, with Dionysus. Dionysus is often depicted as, like, one of the youngest gods, and his whole thing is theatre, wine, debauchery, pleasure... so, yeah, having him be this kinda youthful party boy is perfect. I get it 100%. I just think the idea they had is SO GOOD and wasn't well executed at all. Here is where comparison is going to come in, so I apologize in advance if this is a problem for you--

We live in a time of very good television. Okay? And the trope they're going for with Dionysus is something we have seen done extremely well. Even, like... Klaus from Umbrella Academy fits that trope, and was done extremely well. The way they're trying to depict Dionysus is very pansexual, very life of the party, very "knows everyone who is anyone at all the spots", very "casual sex just because." And like, we LOVE those characters. Bratty disasters who live in the moment and are perpetually into some shit. And we've seen so many versions of them on recent television shows that, while ALL different, were all executed way better than this version of Dionysus. Lestat on AMC's Interview With The Vampire. Blackbeard on Our Flag Means Death. Klaus, as I mentioned before. The whole disaster bi/pan dude thing.

Dio, in comparison, seems very half-baked. Very 2009. I think out of all of the characters, he feels the most 2009, you know? Like, back when making a bi/pan character was edgy, and even then, it wasn't explicit or was even played for laughs. I know this is a comedy, but so is Our Flag Means Death, you know? And even when the whole Blackbeard/Stede thing was funny, it was never because being queer is funny. And like... this show DID THAT with Dionysus. There's a moment where he goes into The Cave with Orpheus and he casually orders drinks from the (male) bartender, and the bartender flips him off-- implying some prior knowledge of each other-- and then Dio goes off to have a quickie with the bartender. And like... he's getting fucked by the man, and in that moment it didn't feel like... like a male character having desire for a man and having a sexual tryst with him. It felt like "isn't it funny that Dionysus is getting FUCKED in the ASS?!" Which, like... no? Like, that's so 2009. It's so passe to play the gay for laughs. Like, even in other fantasy comedies, like What We Do in the Shadows and Our Flag Means Death-- the CHARACTERS are funny, but their same-sex attraction never is. It's not funny that Stede and Blackbeard fall for each other-- it's lovely.

And let's be clear-- I'm not expecting Dio to "fall for" the bartender or anything, but it's clear that they were going for "Dio is a fuckboy who has probably had casual sex with this man before, and probably scorned him in some way, and so he uses the casual quickie to make up with the guy and possibly get free drinks." Cute, fun, I like that. I don't like HOW they did that idea. Like, Dio did not react like someone who enjoys getting fucked. He reacted like a straight boy playing getting fucked in the ass for laughs. IDK.

To be fair, this version of Dionysus is very bored with his whole debauchery schtick and we do see him boredly getting his cock sucked by a girl in a club in an early scene, too. But even that looked more like someone who enjoys getting their cock sucked but is just bored, and less just... "it's funny because of what it is." Does that make sense? IDK.

Like, it feels like a direction problem. Because this Dionysus seems to work very well on paper, and the actor doesn't seem poorly cast, to me. It just seems... executed like it's directed by a dudebro older man who was very cool in the 2000s and still thinks the way dude filmmakers thought in the 2000s.

Then there's the Orpheus.

2/10. I do not... like him. And like, not because of the story-- we all know Orpheus and Eurydice. (Which is part of the problem.)

I think it's because he very much gives CHRIS MARTIN, gives COLDPLAY, and not in a good way. Like, yeah, I like Coldplay alright. They're fine. But for ORPHEUS? Orpheus' whole thing is that his music is supposed to be... extremely special. Like, nobody is touching him. His music is so beautiful it can like... literally change the world. Move the gods. All of that.

And they chose to make him... COLDPLAY? This man whose music is the most special, beautiful thing anyone has ever heard. Like, I don't understand that music direction choice. At all. Who... decided that this was the move? I need something otherworldly. Something ethereal. Like, when he's playing the piano at The Cave for the fates in an attempt to get them to allow him to go into the underworld to retrieve Eurydice's soul... as soon as he started, I was like "This basic ass piano." Like, THAT IS NOT "the greatest, most beautiful music-- music that breaks your heart so much that you'd let him defy the gods and get his lost love back." It sounded like he was playing Christmas hymns at the Christmas morning service. Basic as fuck.

And again, I hate, hate that I have to compare, but YOU CANNOT GIVE SUCH A MEDIOCRE MUSICAL PERFORMANCE IN A WORLD WHERE HADESTOWN EXISTS. Like, we cannot hear Reeve Carney give the most beautiful performances of the most heartwrenching songs in a hit Broadway musical as the same character, and then you give us Chris Martin playing Christmas hymns.

Again, you are allowed to make your own interpretations, and the showrunner did not need to try to copy Hadestown. That is not what I mean. But you need to pay attention to what perhaps the most popular telling of that myth OF ALL TIME did, and you need to try to match or exceed it. Why even both with Orpheus and Eurydice if you're not going to slay us with the music? YOU NEED TO SLAY US WITH THE MUSIC! THAT'S ORPHEUS' WHOLE THING!

Honestly, full stop, even though they have every right to tell their own versions of these stories and create their own versions of these characters, you're fighting an uphill battle when AMERICAN GODS, PERCY JACKSON, and HADESTOWN exist and have done EXTREMELY WELL and been EXTREMELY POPULAR touching this same mythology. You have to MATCH OR EXCEED. Because why would I want to sit through your mediocre Orpheus when I could listen to Hadestown and hear a far superior Orpheus?

Now, their Eurydice? She is beautiful. She is fierce. She is heartbreaking. I love her. Hera and Eurydice are the best characters on the show, and the only ones I just full-on like without much complaint.

And maybe the point is that the men suck? IDK. Like, I don't give a fuck about this Orpheus. I'm not sad for him. His reaction to Eurydice's death is selfish and not at all heartbreaking. I don't even believe him that he wants to go into the underworld to retrieve her. I feel like Dionysus wants it more than he does. But Euridyce. I feel so sad for her. She lost her mother to Hera's cult. She dies tragically. Her stupid husband took her coin, so she can't even pass through to be Renewed and have a new life. She wasn't happy in her marriage, and she isn't happy in her death, and all I want is for her to succeed.

IDK if their goal was for us to dislike Orpheus, but if that is the goal, they've succeeded. Like, I want my heart to break for Orpheus. But I just feel like he's shitty. And I don't care about him at all.

And the other thing was small, but Theseus and Nax being in love was brushed over and not fully explicit and the Nax actor didn't play it well enough. Theseus actor was believably in love and heartbroken that Nax might die at Minos' hands, but Nax was almost playful, like his whole purpose was to reveal that Theseus was not for Ariadne rather than to truly be Theseus' lover. Which, again, feels like a director problem. They WROTE "Theseus is revealed to be gay and in love with Nax, the secret prince of Troy". He DIRECTED "and then we learn that Theseus is actually gay and Nax sassily reveals it to Ariadne because lol they're gay and she doesn't get the man isn't that amusing?" Which, again, is very 2009. Very "see? It's EDGY, the character is GAY! But not too gay, because eww, amirite?" And like, again, in a decade in which we have OUR FLAG MEANS DEATH and INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE, that just doesn't work anymore. We have pirates and vampires being openly gay and kissing and being casual about how in love they are with their partners... and you play your gay Theseus as if it's edgy just to imply he's in love with this prince and that you don't need to show us that he is because you let the prince call him "babe" and let their hands touch a bit and let Theseus cry for him. Like? Coward shit, man, it's so outdated. I don't know how else to say it. Like, even having Nax just show an ounce of empathy for his partner who is terrified that he is going to be executed would have been enough, but Nax was just sassy and smirking and resigned to his fate as if it was just words on a script. Even a man who knew he was probably going to die because of his actions to save his people should have more emotion and conflict than just "Oh well, I'm not afraid to die, lol, Theseus babe stop crying omg lol"

Anyway, I think this was more negative than positive. But... I like the modern setting. I think it's fun. Very "Romeo + Juliet", which is I think what they were actually going for. I love the Fates and the Furies. I think they look so cool, and I think the gnc Fates was a great choice. I liked their Poseidon. Didn't like their Hades and Persephone, but there's nothing wrong with them, actually. I just don't like what they did with them personally.

I like Prometheus, and I like that he's serving as the narrator. I think that's interesting. I like that Zeus keeps summoning him and sending him back-- again, that casual cruelty thing that the show does so well. (Also, when Poseidon drowns the servant girl for no reason. That was very fun. Just, perfect Poseidon behavior-- he's such a piece of shit, and I love that this show decided to show us that.)

I also like the story it's trying to tell, with the three humans who are prophesized to bring down Zeus/the gods. I'm interested in seeing how that works out, and especially in seeing Eurydice's role in it. The show has a REALLY good premise, and has some REALLY nice elements. It's just, honestly, the execution that leaves something to be desired. Like, I feel like I'm pulling my hair out every time I try to watch an episode. Like, I pause every few minutes just to rant about something.

And to be fair, I'm a mythology girlie. I read a lot of mythology. I watch a lot of mythology shows and movies. I listen to mythology podcasts. Like, it's my special interest. But also, I understand completely when people adapt these myths to tell their own versions, or use these characters in their stories in ways that don't match the mythologies. I understand, and I've even done it myself. And so does the mythology. There are so many different versions of these gods, of their myths, so many different ways they were worshipped and things they were worshipped for-- it's perfectly on-brand to change them in your own ways for your own purposes. I don't think that's my problem with Kaos. I just think... I don't like how it was executed. It's a very "sounds good on paper" show, at this point. And I feel for the cast, because they're not doing a terrible job. It really feels like the problems are on the director/producer side. I even think what the writers wrote sounds better than what the creative team did with it.

And... that's all I'll say. I'm still going to finish the season. Maybe I'll give final thoughts after I finish the season. Sometimes things that you think are problems are there to pay something off in the end. But some of these things, IDK, I just think they're problems in general. And, like... I'm kinda disappointed, because I really want to like this show, and right now, I can't say that I do.

[shutupheathersorryheatherr]

"You don't know my name, do you? Will you ever?"

Summery: beomgyu keeps his promises--he walks you from and sometimes to work, hangs out there with you. its all very comfortable and usual for the both of you. he even orders the same thing every time he comes in: your wonderful hot chocolate you make him. noting is new, its all been done before a thousand times between the two of you. why? you and Beomgyu have been friends for ever. that's great. You and him have also become a sort of... intertwined. more than just being together; youve grown together. also great. but what happens when you do something out of the ordinary? or rather, maybe the two of you stop keeping your promises and let the feelings youve pushed down so hard you feel like youre about to combust bubble up? also great.

a/n: long hair gyuuuuuu based on 'you don’t know my name'!!!!! its one of my favorite (if not my singular favorite) song by her. and besides... come on y'all, its beomgyu so I had to lol. yerin and I talked about this during he 300 subs special (even though SHE doesn't seem to remember it lmao) so here I am holding up my end of the deal and making my fic based on this song. if you liked it please leave some love such as commenting and or reblogging!

warnings/info: slow burn I guess, kissing, reader and Beomgyu go to a party, mentions of people fucking, Beomgyu gets in an extremely heated argument with a complete stranger at said party, I feel like I ranted a bit too much with the fic, a little poem-ish at times I think, reader and gyu are scared to go into uncharted territory with thier friendship, lots and lots and lots of talk of reader and beomgyu needing to control themselves around each other, cursing, beomgyu being sweet and them slow dancing cause that's a warning in itself, one joke about beomgyu and reader fucking? idk its not said explicitly tho this was way too self indulgent I apologize, friends to lovers, reader is gn.

~this is simply a piece of fiction. my imagination onto "paper." this is in now way meant to be taken as an actual or real representation of anyone~

••••••••••••••••••••••

A sharp, wind chime sounding ping makes you spring out of your thoughts to look at the door. Your smile. Huh right on the dot. Your eyes are met with the handsome fetures of your most frequent customer: beomgyu. Hair touching the nape of his neck and eyes bright as ever despite the mugginess outside. though its not all bad-- it makes him remember how one time last winter on your usual walk-from-your-work-with-him, he had stood behind you and wrapped you in his coat, bringing you flush with his clothed chest. it was oversized on him and noting, he thinks, could have prepared him for how you melted into him.

you noticed his wandering eyes and raise you voice to snap him out of it.

“why do you look like that?” you ask. it’s slow at work right now and you say that because you don’t want him to notice your heart pounding. You know if you don’t distract him he’ll do so. He pays enough attention and knows you all too well to hide it. “oh I dunno I just went for a run. No! It’s because it’s raining buckets out there!” “Yeah YOU running? That didn’t sound right” his mouth hangs open a little "um excuse you." he puffs his chest out. "I-I run." the way he's shaking his head while speaking gives him away if you already didn't know him so well. maybe a little too well. but, you tried not to think about that too much. how you

“I’ll have the hot chocolate” he says, although you know what would fall out of his lips just the Same as last time, and the time before that. And many roles before. You know how he likes it (extra sweet. “Just like you” he says. Before you squeeze you nose) but seriously you don’t think you’ve ever known someone who liked such a sugary thing. It nearly tasting like straight candy

“not many people order hot chocolate in the summer. You sure you want that?” “Yeah, it’s a comforting drink ya know.” Something he always used to drink as a kid. Before he met you. Before he didn’t have to watch what he said around someone like you because of half giddy and half eyes to the floor bashfulness he’ll feel if he slips up and gets a little too flirty. Says something a little too strong to you. Not that you’d mind. No, not at all. But he doesn’t need to know you feel that way.

"Yeah but with everything?" you ask, still making it but wondering anyways. He leans further in, putting his hands on the table. "How come you're just asking me this now? we've been doing this for such a long time and now is when it pops into your mind that it's weird to have it with breakfast, lunch, and dinner?" you roll your eyes at him. but really, you weren't annoyed at all. the truth was you awaited the never-the-same times he'd come in and order that same, warm and comforting drink. (it depend on his classes, and or what he had to do inbetween) It had gotten on the point where one of the other workers there would tap your shoulder and let you know that he was there when you didn't notice.

"your guy is here." one of the workers there would tell you. In a moment of weakness, beomgyu would pop into your mind and your eyes would go wide as you looked for him. "he's not my guy." you'd try and cover your tracks but with the knowing smile on your work friends face as they walked away, you knew it wasn't any use.

"we've been doing this forever." his words rung in your ears. he was right. you had been. you'd both been seeing each other so much and resisting the bubbling urge to kiss the shit out of each other. You'd been inching dangerously close to him, but never as close as you really wanted and craved, the warmth of his heart ghosting your skin... forever. he'd been avoiding your gaze-- the one that made him feel like all the four seasons were swirling up inside him and somehow all their wonder landing in you, seeping out in all the little things you did... forever. To be honestly, neither of you knew how long you could keep this up.

but here you are, thinking of and loving noting more than seeing his eyes fill with excitement as you hand him the mug. he cups it with both his hands even though it isn't cold inside so it wasn't like he needed to warm his hands. "You know, you should just keep your own mug here." you comment. he looks up at you, about to take a sip and obviously not very happy you interrupted his almost-bliss. though, in his mind, it wasn't that different-- no, it could not compare to the feeling he got around you. "Or maybe I should just bring one with me." he jokes, lips pursing to blow the steam off the surface of the delicious smelling drink. "Yeah," you nod, "and bring a plate while you're at it-- you know what," you lean on the counter in front of him, knuckles going under your chin and fingertips folded enough to touch the beginning of your palm. And he'd rather not look at you through the fog emanating from the porcelain mug so he puts it down, leaning in for dramatic effect. "Better yet, take it with you when you leave so I don't have to wash it!" you eyes go wide and you throw your hands up like you just had the best idea of the century-- better than sliced bread.

he puts a hand to his chest, leans back with his mouth hung wide open, and then gets up with his hands to his head pulling at his hair like he just had an epiphany. you laugh freely as he walks around in a circle. once he's back at the counter he slams his hands down on the edge of it and looks all serious. "You've got it, y/n! this is gonna make history!" he exclaims. You take a bow just for kicks and when you come back up his expression has suddenly changed. its gone much... softer, a smile is tugging at his lips and he can't help it but to let it free once he sees your smiling face again... smiling because of him, too. because of the joy you two make together. its unmatched, really. His fingertips feel flushed like his face, and aren't holding on so tightly to the cold metal edge of the counter. he's leaning in now, for what reason he doesn't really know. damn, he wants and fucking needs to be closer to you. he feels it in his core.

Then, he makes the mistake of looking into your eyes and in an instant you send him on a whirlwind. usually he distracts himself and looks at something else but he just couldn't bring himself to this time. He wants to set up an easel and capture your entire expression right here but your eyes... your eyes he's sure made his plan he's trying to stick to of not getting caught in your gaze. or, better yet, not getting caught gazing at you. but, for someone he knows so well and for so long, it wasn't easy. because, every time you speak, every time he looks at you, every time he even thinks of you, his mind starts to cloud with all the goodness he sees inside you. every inch of your mind he knows and all the other filled up spaced he wants to adventure into.

How could he stop his mind from getting tied up in the wonder of a human that was you? He sure couldn't, and nobody in their right mind would be able to. He snaps himself out of his thinking before you can think to do it yourself. Lord knows if you caught him spacing out at a time like this you'd give him one of your infamous smacks on the ears and he'd shriek so loud out of surprise people outside would hear him. "You're making me waste valuable time on drinking this." he chuckled, holding a finger up to you to signal: one minute, as he takes a few big gulps. he puts the cup down and leans back.

"one of your best, y/n." he complements.

you raise an eyebrow. "Oh? so there's a hierarchy and competition for best of y/ns hot chocolate now? if I would've known I would've made it look all cute." you said, getting back to work behind the counter. the place was pretty dead at the moment but there was still a few things needing tone done. "Come to think of it, I should deduct points for not putting a cinnamon heart on the surface." he wonders aloud. "Oh so just a heart would suffice? noting else?" you ask him. "well why not?" he nearly giggles, "Thought you loved me." You simply smile and roll your eyes at him, not really having the opurtunity to have any type of conversation like that here. although you wanted to. and it didn't really have to go the way you intended it. but if he-- or the both of you for that matter, were gonna go there, then you might as well and a full on sit down talk about it. again not that you didn't want to at all-- in fact, you'd thought about how it'd go down plenty more times then truly necessary. And what better place to have it in than where you two had met?

maybe it was just you making excuses for yourself; for putting it off just one more day. one more week. one more month. or basically one more eternity of longing stares and cut of sentences where, you wanna say more but ultimately fail to. the conversation now seemingly over, he shrugs and finishes his drink.

He stays and orders another extra extra sweet, practically caffeinated, slap you in the face to jolt you into operating at top speed crack drink that was his or your signature hot chocolate. this is a habit of his-- one he'd likely have to break soon if this floating feeling of his keeps up and un-in check. but a habit the both of you cherish-- where he comes in and stays until you have to leave. most of the time you don't even get to talk much. but the comfort that comes right along with your presence around each other makes up for it. thats another habit with the two of you: just being in the same room and doing different things. it was pure comfort just being around each other. maybe looking over and smiling at the other or striking up a conversation that could last a minute or the rest of time he was there or in other situations, the rest of time you'd were together-- however long you both wanted it, really. and it was never awkward, either. the silence never aching.

that's how it was when you first started walking back to your respective places after your shift. another habit of his, one you hope, along with the others, would never die. him staying for a while, talking a bit... or a lot with you, then walking together. usually it was him walking you home but others it'd just be whatever you two wanted that day. His hands are shoved in the pockets of his acid washed jeans when you look over at him.

"Did you grow or something?" you question.

"maybe you shrunk, hm?" he countered.

you narrowed your eyes at him. he turns to you and does the same. "Very adult of you." You scoff. "You started--" then, realizing that continuing to say was he was going to wasn't going to help his case in the slightest. It barely falls silent for a second before he, in a moment of either weakness or some extreme courage he doesnt know, he slows down a little, gently puts his hands onto your waist, finger finding place scrunched in your shirt, and stills you. though, with the rapid beating of your heart you didn't need any help to do so. He gently moves you to the inside of the sidewalk. he doesn't know why. it's kinda stupid really. he doesn't even have a reason expect that's how you two are usually walking. but it isn't ever really intentional. Usually he just gets out the door of the diner first and you follow soon after. but he liked it that way. it felt warm and comfortable.

he clears his throat. "So, you were saying?" you look back up at him, not too stunned to speak or anything just....thinking. time still in its frozen capsule like it was a moment ago with his hands on your waist. "I feel like you've grown." you say simply, verbally shrugging. he takes a look at his own arms as if that would give him an idea as to what you're talking about. "I know you haven't but," you sigh, unsure of where you're even going with this, "I dunno you seem different." the both of you are still facing forward, not having looked at each other since a minute ago. "Is that a good thing or a bed thing?" You smile. "good. definitely good." "that's good that it's good." he laughs.

"oh piss off!" You chuckle at him, shaking you head. a second later you don't hear his steps anymore and turn around to see him saying "gladly." and start to walk in the other direction. You yell at him to get his ass back here and he turns on his heel, trotting back to you with a smile on his face, eyes hidden by his hair as he looks down. "But yeah," you say once he's back to walking beside you, "You've defiantly grown. not in height, but how you are as a person now." he hums. "I guess I can see that. you have too, you know?" you quirk and eyebrow.

"like--" he takes a breath, "You've grown... not like you act completely different now, but you've just--" you get what he's trying to say. "Blossomed?" He nods, but before he can start talking again you're already opening your mouth. "So have you. Not like you weren't someone I wanted to spend a lot of time with when were first met but you've grown into this person who-who has so much depth to them. like sure, you look a little different and youve changed your hair countless times, but I think you've bloomed in a way. And I love that you have; that you've made yourself out to be who you are right now." he purses his lips together.

"hey, it's not all me, ya know? Ive only been able to grow the way you said I have because I've got you by my side. actually, no, more than that, I've got you coaching me and trying to help. And have you taken a look In the mirror? its not just me that's grown internally since we've both met. I feel like... You're more you know than you were before. or at least not as afraid to show who you are." "that's cause I have you cheering me on, beom." he smiles at the nickname, something you've had for him forever. just like how you've been learning each other inside and out forever. But he also smiles at himself. he was your personal hype man, as you'd say, wasn't he? "And im really proud of you for flourishing like you have." he says. "Im proud of us." you counter, "for both becoming more than we were before."

all that was missing was two glasses to toast. "Yeah, and we're achieving that together, too. we have been forever. and I know that's why its unfolding so beautifully-- it takes the two of us to pull something so great off like that." you try not to get all fluttery inside by the prospect of him thinking that you're "great." cause there isn't much to it, really. plain and simple. he thinks you're great... or the journey youve taken with him so far is great or whatever... it should stop there for you. but that's the thing: with him, it never does.

It kinda hits the both of you right in the face at that moment. and you realize all you need to know about how the other person feels the same way when your caught looking at each other and saying more or less the same thing of: "wow, I think our lives are intwined now and I love that."

as the minutes go on, you both talk about some of the ways youve seen this with each other-- growing internally as youve both said. You bring up something, then him, it goes on like this until you both have a realization. "...But seriously, though." you cause, "Im glad that we're like this." "Im happy we can be like this too. and to be honest, I don't just want to be a better person, I wanna be a better person with you." he quickly cocks his head to the side, almost like he was punctuating his sentence. "I was just about to say that! I like growing with you. it's amazing. and you make me want to be better. not in a competitive way though. I just wanna move along with life with you next to me."

He puts a hand to his chest, hopping it would distract him from how fast his heart was beating. It had the opposite affect, though, drawing his attention to it under his palm. "Im glad youve been in my life for so long." he says, wondering jut how far he was going to take all this confessing how wonderful it was to have you by his side. wouldn't this make more of an impact on he both of you than just making you smile? or was he making it more than it was? he probably was to be honest; friends tell each other how much they value each other all the time. just... probably the ones who's heart feels like its about to lift him up and fly him away to the moon, stay away from it.

"And I am glad we're in each others lives to often that we can brighten each others days whenever the other needs it." he nods in agreement, not trusting himself to talk more because he'll surely say all that he thinks of you... and us. the rest of the walk is spent back in the comfortable, fireplace like silence like the first couple minutes of it. Once you get to your front door and your back is turned, he draws in a breath. "It is wonderful to have you in my life, y/n. I don't think you can understand how great it is and how much I love it." you're about to swing open your door but you turn around to look in the eye. "Me too. I love how it feels to have you by my side." you really wish you had something more to say but it seems like its enough for him. cause a second later and he's nearly skipping away from your door. You shake you head at him and go inside.

He scratches the back of his neck, thinking entirely too much about what you had said to him. There was a thousand ways you could have meant hit but for some reason he only wanted to think of it as one. the one where you actually secretly wanted to kiss him every time you hugged goodbye. One where you'd invite him into your place for hot chocolate and he'd stay, and long, long while; only really going back to his home for clothes cause fuck, if he had you like that he wouldn't dream of letting you go or leaving you for as long as he could.

God, It was almost uncanny how, you knew what to call him, but his name? that was something else entirely it felt like now.HIs own name had come to be you. that was how much you were written on his heart; written like law on stone. so engraved in his mind that he felt like you were with him all his life... except with this it was more like someone who knew him his entire life but suddenly stoped paying attention for a very important mile marker, then suddenly started up paying attention again, completely glossing over something that was so important to him. Like his name: but now youve replaced it with your own an the wasn't mad about it. and you didn't know, did you? would you ever know his name?

and, in the middle of all his swirling like a hurricane that brought peace instead of distruction, he wondered if you were ever feeling the same thing. did you think of him the way he thought of you?

He knew everything about you, as did you, he, you thought as you slipped off your shoes at the door. But you figured that, since friends need to be honest as much as they can, that wasn't entirely true. cute there was this one, not so small thing youve never shared with him. something that was such a big part of you it might as well be your name. The way you felt when he was near, when you thought of him, fuck, even when someone mentioned him. at this point, him-- and feeling this was about him was such a bug thing that it had become a part of you. he had become a part of you. and just like a name it was something you wanted and needed to tell the whole world. including him.

but there was the problem, you couldn't just scream it out for everyone to hear. that's why youve been waiting. Even though it was takin g a long time for him to figure out that big giant part of you that thad become as second nature as a name. Beomgyu was smart, but apparently he was stupid when it came to this. but seriously, with all the slip ups youve been having recently, you're starting to wonder if he's deliberately not understanding you and your feelings. Like is he that dense or does he just not want you?

You shoot him a message none the less; telling him to text when he got home unless you'll start to worry.

===

The next time you talk was on the phone on your way to work. He likes to walk you there, too. but today just happened to be one of those days where it couldn't happen. But you missed his presence on the street that reminded you of the talk you had yesterday so the next best thing was to call him. "Hey, it's the server from the diner." You say. "yeah, I know." It was a throwback to when he'd given his number to the place so he could get a free delivery. Though he was hoping you'd pick up on it and call him. and you did. you were the one who had to call to let him know his order had arrived and was currently getting cold outside his door. you had ended the call with him apologizing profusely.

One thing lead to another and you made a follow up call on how the food tasted. you heard him smiling from the other end of the phone as he says, "great as always." You barely thought he would even pick up so you didn't know what to say after that. "especially the hot chocolate." he aded then. And now you're the one smiling uncontrollably. After a few minutes on the phone that day your heart is leaping with excitement. so the next time he comes in, you talk with each other more freely. and now you had his number so when he doesn't come in for a few days you remembered mustering up the courage to text him. "I really wanted to come over there. hot chocolate would probably help cure whatever I have." you felt stupid. duh of course he was just sick, why were you so worried?

within the hour, hot chocolate was delivered to his door free of cost.

and that's when the friendship began; with him texting you an entire paragraph just to say thanks for the gesture and you two talking back and forth, heart seemingly on the edge of its seat, about hot chocolate and hot drinks in general.

"You know... our manager is always telling us to use water," you repeat now what you said all that time ago, "But I always use milk and cream for you." He's snapped back to the present, with you on the other end of the phone, wind whipping in the mic. "aww you really do care, don't cha?" he laughs, smug smile gracing his lips.he can practically hear you roll your eyes from the other end of the phone. "your welcome." you drawled. "I sincerely thank you for your sacrifice of cream and milk." he said, and it sounds like a joke, but still he's smiling in gratitude none the less. youre about to joke about how he needs to repay you... somehow. but he beats you to it. though... with the way he starts off, it doesn't sound like fully a joke. but just enough of one where he knows you'll listen.

"And as a formal expression of my forever debt to you, I invite you to attend a party with me." You figured you'd play along, his tone not serious enough for you to spend the brain power to actually think of an answer. "yeah, sure, Beom." It was about as real to you as the both of you staying completely quiet during a movie so you played along. at least, you thought you were playing. beomgyu puts his speaker of his phone up to his mouth, nearly making your ears bleed as he yells into it: "no take backs!" then promptly hangs up.

you roll your eyes at him, a little concerned for future you and him but cracking up none the less. The surprised expression on your face when he comes by later to quote "take the both of you shopping for the party the next day." was so priceless he wished he had whipped out his phone quick enough. "I keep my promises." he reminds you as he sits down at his usual bar stool. And he sure does, like the one he's been keeping, weighing on his heart for so long he feels like its going to crack it n a million pieces impossible to pick up, about just how much he feels for you. he made that promise to you to stick by you as friends for as long as you'd have him there long enough to be forgotten. but now him. he remembers it like it was yesterday and he intends to keep his word, especially to you. who knows which way it would take you if he didn't. and the last thing he needs is for you two to be torn apart.

he slumps on the counter and gives you puppy dog eyes. you sigh "No one told me you were serious. that was coercion; I did not understand the phrasing of the question, therefore--" oh, you wanted court of law? he'd give you court of law. "uh uh" he wriggles his finger in your face. "was this under a false pretense? maybe. but did that initially give you the right to call back and or ask further questions? yes. so for that reason youre guilty!" he slams an imaginary gavel down on the white counter. you turn around to take a breath. he kicks his feat. "come on, y/n! I think it'll be fun. and if not then we'll leave right away and go to my place to watch tv. and we'll get a cute outfit out of it either way!" you think about it for a moment. "I need deodorant anyways!"

well it is important not to have a stench.....

he can tell youre thinking about it and he perks up at the sight of your wheels turning behind your eyes. it was one of this favorite things-- watching you think, weigh your options and all. It wasn't like you completely didn't want to go. there was a part of you, one that was soon going to get bigger youre sure. but a part of you right now none the less. so what was stopping you? you wanted to be close to him. you loved being close to him and that meant doing things together. but in an environment like this.... it might pose a problem to lips kept tightly shut and secrets you held behind your back.

You take one last look at him, and if it's a regular response between friends or in a slip up you don't know, but you agree. he nearly jumps up out of his seat in celebration. Why did he suggest this? who knows. was this a good idea? who. the fuck. knows. maybe because he wanted to do something with you. but it was probably something more than that it the back of his mind that made him call you and ask. but he knows full well what almost happened the last time you two went to a party together. a bunch of "aww youre so cute together!" made it seem all a little too real after a while and as the night went on with him eventually stopping himself from telling the truth to these people and him getting seemingly eaten from the inside when he stopped just reviling in the fantasy and remembered that no, youre not together. The night ended somehow with you two coming dangerously close to kissing.

maybe he really just wanted to spend time with you; a sort of do-over. he could control himself this time. or maybe that's what it was... he wanted to test the waters again-- challenge himself and see if he really could have self control. or maybe, just maybe, in the back of his mind he wanted to test the waters another way. maybe he wanted to know if it'd happen again. of course he wouldn't do anything about it; he wanted to keep his promise to you but something felt like it was knocking at the back of his mind.

once your shift is done, he's got a spring in his step as he opens the door for the both of you and bouncing on his heels with a smile on his face telling you to hurry up. and no, you don't just go shopping for deodorant... but instead spend two full hours shopping around. two full hours that consisted of trying on clothes and the both of you having to bite your tongues. because fucking hell, why'd he have to have such a good style? you perk up as he steps out the dressing room for the third time, already preparing yourself for you heart seemingly about to beat out of your chest. "what do you think?" "I think..." his face sinks.... "oh--" he pouts, "no no! it looks great! its just, its white."

he quirks and eyebrow at you. "I have eyes, ya know? I did pick it out." he reminds you, nose and mouth scrunching up in that classic Beomgyu disgusted face. "spillage." you simply say. his eyebrows got up into his hairline. "youre right." the next out fit he comes out with, a little more spillage proof, is what he decides on. he takes another look in the mirror, sighing. "you really think it looks good?" he questions. "I have eyes, ya know?" you echo him. he spins around into the dressing room, away from you as quickly as possible so you didn't have to see the smile on his face and the rosy tint to his cheeks.

When it comes to you and picking out your outfits, while youre walking ahead of him to the dressing rooms, he closes his eyes, leaning his head against the wall so he can think for a moment. or... more stop himself form thinking so much than anything. he knows what he's getting himself into. but How you reacted each time he'd first appear out the dressing rooms door with that wistful glassy look in your eyes, almost like you yourself were trying to stop your gears turning.... Times like that gave him hope that maybe yeah, you felt the same way about him as he did you. because just for a short moment he saw the same look in his eyes that they had on him now; trying so hard to stop thinking about you. you, you, you, you.

"I think a round of applause is in order!" you say.-- twenty minutes in. twenty minutes of him bouncing his leg. twenty minutes of you hiding the way his complements make you feel. twenty minutes of the second you shut the door behind you him screaming internally into his palms and twenty minutes of you doing the same. he smiles at you when you come out. "I know. we have good taste." his cheeks seem to be nearly kissing at his lashes as he smiles and he's driving you crazy. "We do, don't we?" you take another look in the mirror.

"You really think it's--" Youre starting to stress over if the outfit really is worth the buy. you like it a lot. but now youre starting to wonder if its a little too little here or too much there and-- "I have eyes, don't I?" he repeats, you turn around and lock eyes with him for just a second too long not to do anything to the both of your heart rates.

===

fast forward to the next night and youre swinging your door open to see him turned the other way. he spins around as soon as he hears the door. You press your lips together and he unconsciously mimics you. "you look really beautiful!" he beams. he's just being your personal hype man as always, and youre not afraid to say that you love it. "Aw you look really beautiful too."

the words slipped past both of your lips like water through fingers. though, unlike water, the words were thick, with feelings long left in the dark hiding behind them. "Oh? so just beautiful? not really--" You step out toward him, closing the door behind you, making you step just a little bit too close to him than usual. "really really beautiful." you clarified. and this time, he doesn't move his head. "thank you." he whispers, voice softer than his hair. and the both of you are unable to move from your doorstep-- frozen in time and space, with the only thing moving being your rapid heart beats and rising chests.

====

he looks at you beside him and can feel your gears turning inside your head, a sight he so badly wants to get lost in but knows he can't. realizing it'd be bad enough with the gorgeous outfit you were wearing and how he was sure at least someone was going to try and hit on you... he'd rather not start getting himself tangled with you now. but he can't seem to move his neck any other way than craned to his left to look at you.

its was just.... as much as he wants an needs to kiss you so badly.... your so Important to him, he thinks as he lags behind a bit, watching you walk ahead. and your friendship is so important to him that they never want to break it, even if that meant shutting his mouth and staying further away, cause in the end that's really what he wanted: to be and stay friends with you. the reason he stayed never has been and never will be just about what he felt for you. your friendship will always be the most important thing to him and heeds never want to jeopardize that and loose you. he'd rather your friendship stay strong than anything.

Your turn around, beckoning him to come closer. he skips to you, so happy you don't know what to do with yourself. "You know--" "no, I don't. I was hoping you'd tell me." you scoff. "I was going to say that im glad you invited me. Im ready to go be extroverts together now and experience all the bad smells and all the loud noises a party has to offer." he laughs, but he knows youre half serious. and he's fully serious when he says he's happy you came.

====

the noise thumps in your ears, nearing making them ring. the lights are dimmer than you thought needed but it-- along with noise and people constantly bumping into each other, sufficed in making the atmosphere very party-like. cause well, it was a party after all. He follows you, both trying to scout out where the kitchen was. you'd planned to stick together, tighter than you did last time, tighter than when the both of you were bombarded with people asking you about each other, and stick together you did.

even when you two went upstairs, trying to find the bathroom, and stumbled upon a couple people fucking and practically biting each others faces off in the room you thought was the bathroom. Beomgyu shuts the door immediately, any longer and you'd both be traumatized. "get your own room!" you hear from behind the heavy door." He looks at you and you back at him before bursting into laughter. "I mean, did you want to orrrr?" you phrase it as a joke, and though he thinks he hears something in the back of your tone, he only rolls his eyes at you. though his brows go up higher than youve ever seen.

The second he's done in the bathroom you lead in downstairs to where the music was the loudest. "I heard it too." he pants, "I was trying to hurry up." you really couldn't believe they were playing this here. it was almost too perfect, you thought. with his body so close to yours, dancing and enjoying the song you both liked. And suddenly, it didn't feel like you were in a crowded room. and for a moment all you could see, and feel, and smell, was him. him and his fingers now reaching for yours, spinning you around, laughing without a care in the world. like it didnt matter that your heart was about to beat out of your chest, making you float on the floor you were dancing on.

Everyone else-- the entire room was blurred. It was just you, and him. him, and you. just as it should be. this didn't happen all the time-- rather, you didn't let it happen all the time. but when it did... you swore youve never felt anything so natural. so--so right and beautiful. You smile and ease him into a dip, now youre both laughing. when he comes up, somehow both his hands ended up in yours and now he's pulled flush against your body. he feels like you both are taking up so much and too little space at the same time--like the whole floor is yours and yours only. he swallows thickly, neither of you making a move to step away. you know it sounds stupid but for a second you can feel as life your hearts are beating as one. and for a seance he feels like maybe this is really real. that it won't end any second and that he isn't having another day dream about slow dancing with you in one of your living rooms; all comfy and--

"I have to go get some water." you say so low that only he hears over the music. you really shouldnt let it goony further than this. at least not here. and as much as you wanted to keep ignoring everyone around you cause with him, were they even there in the first place? you knew you shouldn't, couldn't keep it up for much longer cause being this close to him only made you wanna kiss the shit out of him. "y-youre not--" you look at the next to no gap between you still, hands still closes around each others tightly. you blink to free yourself from the perfect daze youre caught in. the song was barely even slow enough to slow dance to. what you you doing? "moving? I know." and before he could even ask if you to stay longer, youre already pushing yourself off his chest and out of his grasp.

"You sure you don't want me to just go with you?" he nearly stumbles after you. "beom, its just for a second." You whip around to face him, arms crossed defensibly. "but a lot can happen in a second." yeah, I can see that, you say to yourself, thinking about just a moment before where dancing to a song you both liked turned quickly into something that was going to make you stumble. beom, the name echoed in his mind over and over until it flowed into his heart where all the other times youve laughed or called him by that nickname laid. "listen I know youre just trying to uphold our agreement, but seriously, im fine."

he knows he's probably being too worried for you, but he just can't. epically after you'd done that. with your hands clasping his against his chest. god, he never wanted it to end. little did he know neither did you. you did actually need water, being so close to him like that had a track record of making your throat go dry and fingers go numb. it also had a track record of making you get lost in his glazed over eyes. you find a cup and rinse in out before anything cause who knew where its been. a moment later youre about to refill your cup when you hear the unmistakable sound of Beomgyus shriek. followed by someone yelling at him.

oh god what did he get himself into now?

You run to where you last saw him and, finding him not there you rush to where you saw a few people gathered by the stairs. those people who were now making way for beomgyu flying down them. someone hot with anger and hot on his tale. Your brows furrowed as he zooms past you. "im sorry!" you hear him say, "I probably shouldn't have gotten involved but it looked like a pretty heated argument!" oh god? that was what this was about? "Yah!" the person yells behind him. "that's why you shouldve stayed out of it!" then and Beomgyu are both on opposite ends of the sofa, both waiting for the other to make a move. when the person inches right, beomgyu tips to the left. when beomgyu goes the other way, the person follows his movements.

two of the three people move off the sofa to get out the way. god, he really was fucked, wasn't he? you didn't know what to do, really. you left for five minutes and here he was getting screamed profanities at by some random person. You wanted to help, but as beomgyu brings up to the person how the person they were talking with looked hurt, and how they themself looked hurt as well, you leaned against the door frame and just watched.

it was another one of these situations, huh? they didn't look mad enough to really do much of a number on him anyways, and youd step in to stop them any minute now if beomgyu doesn't leave the argument first. And step in a minute later after beomgyu and the person going back and forth tore you apart from the inside out to one, see him so worried like this, and two, hearing them yell next to you with the loud ass music was starting to make your ears bleed you didn't need to do after all. Beomgyu was backing up with his hands in front of him defensively. it didn't feel like you needed to collect him or keep him out of trouble or anything cause he was intentionally trying to start a fight, but you could tell no one was going to get anywhere with this. or at least beomgyu wasn't going to get what he was looking for from the person. So you figured it best to tell it that you two should leave. you grab him by the shoulders and lead him out the door. you were kinda done with the party anyways, having been there quite enough time already.

"im sorry! I ruined our night, didn't I?" he begs. "but they were saying some pretty shitty things about someone and it looked like it was about to turn physical." he practically pleads with you as the night air nips at whatever wasn't covered on you. you stay silent the whole way back to you place. "What have I told you?" you tell more than ask sternly once he's plopped down on his sofa. he hands his head low. "Not to get in the middle of other peoples problems..." he echoes what you say every time something like this happens-- he thinks he can be be everyones knight In shinning armor, protecter and helper to all by getting himself involved. it usually doesn't have such... strong repercussions. most of the time its when he hers whispers of someone talking about their troubles with someone else and he tries to console them. which is fine on its own, but then comes the part where he's getting all caught up in it and he's getting hurt along with them.

and as much as you are shaking your head and rolling your eyes at the situation he got himself into... you purse your lips and try not to catch his eyes from across the sofa. you lean back. "But im not surprised. And it's not because you never learn or that youre stupid or anything, ok? so don't even go there. but that's just who you are, how youve always been since I met you-- caring so much for people, even people you don't know that you'll end up like this trying to help them sometimes. that's one of the things about you that haven't changed one bit since I've met you." he inches closer as if you hear you better, legs folded criss cross on the cushions and hands on his knees.

"don't make me out to be such a hero." he shakes his head. and this time you move a little closer. "Not saying you are just," you pause, knowing what you want to say but wondering if this really was the right time for it. It felt right in your bones and besides when were you going to get another chance like this one? when just a bit ago his hands fit perfectly in yours and you could feel his raging heartbeat under your palms? It was now or never, right? but really, you werent too sure you'd be able to stop yourself now. you might've been in too deep, but with him, never over your head. "just, youre the kindest person ive ever met. n' I just worry you'll get hurt more than youve already gotten in the past-- like youve gotten in the past when you get invested like this."

youre breathing all heavy for some reason, and he's getting that same glassy look in his eyes as earlier in the night. it reminds you of a sugar honey glaze on sweet fruit or a dessert and you can't help but stare int them. "glad to see you care." he shrugs. only his lips move thankfully just in your field of vision, eyes staying locked on yours. "I thought you knew I did. he's unconsciously leaning forward to you, his body following the magnetic pull that was you. though he's only following what seemed natural. "Thought you knew that I did?" you put your face in your palm, elbow balanced on your knee. "Yeah, but..." he trails off, the both of you now impossibly close.

and closer, and closer, and closer until your lips join in a searing kiss. you both sigh in relief into it, having waited so, so long. now your heart was really beating out of your chest, your fingertips no longer numb but boiling with feeling. his hands go from his knees to your hands, grasping them firmly, but gently just like you did to him at the party. he felt like he was floating, like he was suddenly sitting on a cloud and wasn't afraid of falling. god, he's wanted this for so long; for fucking ever. how could he stop now? you pull apart, and now youre thinking how in the world you felt out this long. ".... now the way I want you to." he continues, "not the way I do." you smile, leaning in again to kiss him. it was meant to be a quick peck, but instead it turned into you leaning your body into his and his hands on your arms, running up and down them, making you sink further into him and the seat in warmth.

Now, for a second time, you pull away. "Does that help answering how much I care?" he's smiling like a mad man at your words. "so I guess I didn't ruin our night?" he says, more to get his Brian working properly more than anything. "The opposite. I wanted to leave with you anyways." and now he's nearly jumping out of his seat to to do a little happy dance. he couldnt help it, though. especially when you were pulling him back in by his shirt balls dup in your fist and smashing your lips together.

when you pull apart though, instead of smiling in each others faces, the both of you shoot up. oh god... oh god! what did you just do? it wasn't suppose to go like this, he thinks as you rush to put your shoes on at the door. No words were exchanged between the two of you, though. except: "Hey... I--" "no no!" you say a little too loudly, "no, its fine. we don't ever need to speak of this again, sound good?" his lips form a line at your words. he shoots you a thumbs up. "...yeah." it wasn't what he wanted, that's of for user. but what other choice did he have? didn't look like you were ready for it to happen, so my default, now he wasn't either.

it wasn't like you two avoided each other at all costs in the week after the incident. no, not at all. you were friends above anything and everything, and such close friends that being like that to each other would've killed the both of you. and it wasnt like you were mad at each other... but now the silence on your walks together felt.... uncomfortable; unnatural and weird. like you needed to fill it with pointless talking to distract you from how there was this... air in the midst of you two-- like you knew what the other wanted, craved and needed but were too scared to do something about it.

that's why he knew he had to do something about it. so here he was, barging into the diner you worked past closing time. You quickly run to the door to unlock it for him. not like you were doing anything better anyways, watching the raindrops slide down one of the many windows as you wiped down each table. he was later than he usually was, but it looked like he was here for more than just to pick you up. the look in his eyes said it all. You turn around as soon as you pull the door open for him. "we're closed, Beom." the nickname slipped off your tongue so easily it was like you had forgotten the incident the week before, and how you promised yourself you'd back away even more than you had to keep it from happening again.

it wasn't like you didnt want it to. god was it the opposite. it was just... new, and scary. you knew that wasn't the best excuse but it was all you had. he was, in a way all you had. You didn't really know what moving along that road would mean. you knew it'd be good. but again, it was new and scary.

"I can't loose you." he pants behind you. for once he it was raining and for once he did run here. he spreads his arms wide, his long hair dripping on his shoulders. "And I can't-- I can't believe we let this come between us. and I don't want to let the wedge be driven any further." when you still don't respond, back still turned he gets more desperate, running a worried hand through his hair. "Come on, y/n! we're best friends!" you slam your towel down on the counter. "yeah, well maybe that's why this should've never fuckin happened." your words make the room go silent. you didn't yell it, you didnt exclaim it, you basically whispered it, but it boomed like a bomb going off none the less.

he was too important-- your relationship, whatever it may be, was too important to let go; you knew that. he knew that. he didnt say a word, realizing that he might say something to make the situation worse. he knew he was staying after hours, then again, it reminded him of how it would be between the two of you a week ago when you'd still talk the same. he'd come in, you'd make him the best hot chocolate he'd ever tasted next to his moms, and then he'd sit at the same bar stool and you'd talk for hours, barely making a move to actually go home. but eventually, after helping you with cleaning, he'd walk you home.

but for watts its worth, neither of you wanted to go back to those times, even after everything quite liking how the experience of the incident felt. You invite him to go to your place to talk it out some more. having the same idea, he agrees readily.

"I haven't been completely honest with you." you say, youve been talking for a little over a hour now, somehow slipping into how it was about a week ago along the way back to your place, and you don't think youve felt something so good-- so reliving, in a very long time. "I haven't been telling the whole truth either." no other words are uttered between the two of you, opting to lean ever so frustratingly and tantalizingly slow into each other,. his hand coming to rest on your thigh, folded underneath you at the knee on his sofa. you place your hand on top of his has your lips connect, a long awaited satisfied sigh is breathed into each others face, the air tickling you. youre rubbing circles on the back of his hand as his mind races. it was a kiss you poured all your feelings into. one where you spilled into it how you needed him with you so so so bad. how you wanted him beside you even more than he already was. how you were sorry it took you so long, and how you couldn't wait to keep being beside each other. you could feel him pour all that and more into his side of it and you reviled in the feeling, settling into it like it was second nature.

you blink a couple times when you pull apart, glad that you took your talk someplace else now. and well, I guess the both of you know now. youve now pulled out of the dark that beautiful little thing you two were hiding.

Now you both know just that one more, not so little thing you needed-- what was on each of your hearts the most.

~end~

Can’t believe never written a solely beomgyu fic before anyways as I’ve said if you liked it please comment and or reblog since tumble works on that system and liking it only bookmarks it for you :) I hope you enjoyed!!!

©️2023copyrightofshutupheathersorryheatherr do not repost, translate, or plagiarize my works even if you give me credit

taglist: @itz-yerin

[undercoverdonderwolk]

this is rlly nothing groundbreaking just my random opinion so i fully understand if u completely ignore but i also feel surprised enough to attempt to participate in the discourse for once

does anyone else……not get at ALL why anyone would think he would make some sort of statement? like not even being facetious i just fully dont get why that would be expected. if i got publicly extremely fired i would simply not be youtuber notes app apologising it…

(also people acting like he needs to like. respect and validate their own grieving process of HIS career …. girls. ladies. please what is this i cried over singapore i like the guy a lot but that is parasocialism gone too far imo, i was upset too but also like. its him and his life not any of his fans, if people give money to him that is actively their own choice its not like kim k can force u at gunpoint to buy her makeup this is the exact same thing)

sorry for the rant i hope its not annoying! this isnt at anyone specific idk anyone on tumblr at all or care to tbh i just am so baffled by this that i wanted to say something to someone in the f1 fandom

hello! i will answer this because i think it's an interesting meta discussion to have but before anyone freaks out at me or comes into my inbox yelling about vagueing them or whatever i have no idea what's really going on currently or who are involved or whatever so to moi this is just a regular degular discussion about the meta aspect of fandom etc which i have always found very interesting and espesh from an f1 pint of view not directed at anyone in particular bla bla disclaimer disclaimer tbh i don't think anyone's like... 'expecting a statement', as you say. like i don't think anyone's wanting him or expecting him to go on the dax shepard pod to explain in detail what went down with red bull etc but daniel's firing was super unexpected for a lot of people who were extremelyyyy invested in daniel's career and i don't think it's strange that people are kinda like... left wondering what happened? and still kinda reeling from it and looking for answers?? i think that's a p normal feeling to have. like it's giving unexpected breakup out of the blue and you invested all that time in this person and now it's over and you don't. get. why you just want to know whyyyy! is that parasocial. yeah. is parasocial the bread and butter of tumblr. also yeah. so in that sense i don't think it's too weird that people are kinda like 'wait but daniel??? what happened??' is that also unrealistic to expect from him. yeah. but is it also normal to want SOME clarity about what happened to the guy you spent watching a million fp1s for. yes. it's multi faceted it's nuanced etc! for me personally i'm more surprised him and his team are kinda letting red bull run wild with pushing a certain narrative etc. daniel has gone out of his way multiple times to set the record straight in his own way when horner/mclaren/etc kinda put their own side of the story out so it is surprising to me that they allowed red bull to have all this space to push their own story with zero talkback from daniel. and i can't lie it does annoy me when people act like daniel hasn't put out his own narrative before. like he has done this multiple times!!! it's not crazyyyy to expect him to do something similar this time around!!! but also maybe he won't. i will say i think daniel invites a certain parasocial vibe from literally anyone. like no one is immune from feeling like they know him. max v wasn't immune. lawrence b wasn't immune. why should the dirlies be immune?? but also it creates a weird vibe sometimes where you're not allowed to say anything slightly nuanced about him bc it's just daniel is pookie that's the END. like realistically this whole merch sitch is nuanced too. is daniel a millionaire man who has figured out the taking ''''advantage'''' of dirlies' readiness to drop money on a nostalgia dr drop? yeah. is that absolutely okay to do? lmao also yeah. can people have slightly complicated feelings about having to listen to endless daniel slander from red bull with zerooooo replique from daniel. yeah. has he not necessarily 'fucked them all' yeah. is is it parasocial to feel some type of way about that. YEAH. like it's not one way or the other but dirliessss insistttt it IS and i don't get WHYYYY

the big question is and will always remain is it that deep? and the answer will always be no but also yes because it's SPORTS the most important thing of the unimportant thing but also he's just some guy who gaf.

[trashrattt]

Been thinking about codes lyoko again per usual, specifically the flippy boova or whatever it's name is

And I'm just thinking like "why is it so slow bruh" and then I realize some details I missed about it

I'm thinking it's more deliberate than the average monster

Cuz like, there's alot of moments where it's slower and other times it's straight to the point

Most of the times that it's slow is when Aelita is alone and the others aren't even near the factory just yet (or before they step in the scanners)

And we as a fandom know what Aelita and Williams opinions are on it, immediate fear as soon as they ever so hear it behind them

So like it's first impressions are slower, cuz like in the s3 finale it was fucking around, gradually getting closer floating around practically saying "come at me bitch I wanna see you try" cuz that mf knocked Williams sword out of his hands and let him pick it back up before attacking him actually, that in itself is sadistic as fuck

(side note, literally made him admit "lmao it hasn't done anything, I'm fi-" and then goes after him when his guard is completely down like Jeez you're deliberate aren't you mf)

And also it made such an impression that the literal second time he saw it he couldn't even stand up properly he was so scared 😓

Another thing is in episode 45 the schyphozoa fucks around but as soon Odd got in the scanner it captured her mid-run, and like, Xana could have done this the other 50 million times but no, he wants to mess around with his prey before getting to the point

Like the scene always plays out where Aelitas running away and getting cornered, it slowly coming around the corner making sure she knows she's trapped and it's coming after her

Especially in episode 33 where Aelita gets virtulized and gets blocked by a Megatank, and she knows it's coming but doesn't know when

And like, Xana could have had it waiting for her but no, gotta let that fear grow evrey second right huh

Gawd damn I'm ranting but it's something I've been thinking about lately

[ashtray-girl]

Sorry if i'm bothering you but i really wanted to rant abt Johnny and Moz and hear some of your thoughts about these two certain topics that i can't get out of my head:  

I find it incredibly weird that Johnny and Morrissey (as far as we know) never became friends again or never tried to reconcile their relationship after the breakup - like how do you go from being best friends and hanging out with each other 24/7 to "We haven’t known each other for 35 years - which is many lifetimes ago." as Morrissey said on that letter. The strangest part to me is that, since the break up and to this day both Johnny and Moz never hesitate to mention again and again how much their relationship meant to them in the band and how much they loved each other during that period of their lives - i mean the way they describe each other and the words that they use come straight up from a romance novel. Also the fact that Morrissey continued to write songs abt how much Johnny meant to him and like Johnny getting that swallow tattoo on his neck and other weird stuff like why care to mention each other so much and make everything so dramatic when you - as you claim - haven't known each other for a lifetime? And idk on a personal level if it would be me in their situation i would at some point try to fix whatever we had if we obv meant that much to each other after all these years.

In all honestly when i read abt Marrissey Johnny sometimes just comes off as someone who suffered (and maybe still does) from internalised homophobia, when you read the way Moz talks abt him in his lyrics it definitely gives off that vibe "Though she needs you More than she loves you " , "Love is natural and real But not for such as you and I" or "I am born to hang but not to have kids and to never be wed - no, to someone whom I don't even love" and that interview when Moz said that "That perhaps Johnny Marr was in fact madly in love with me, but didn't feel he could act on that - or that he didn't have the courage to ever take it any further?'" And i don't want to seem like i'm trying to bash Angie or anything but i find they way the got married pretty weird and almost rushed in way like would they even get married if Joe Moss hadn't insisted that they do? Even Andy thought it was weird "They got married in some evangelical church. It was pretty bizarre. There were only about 10 of us there, including the crew. The ceremony only lasted about 15 minutes. I was a witness. Afterwards they hired a function room in the hotel and we had champagne and a buffet. It was a nice day, but it was just weird. It didn't seem real. You know what it's like in America - everything's plastic and phoney. It just didn't seem like a proper wedding. No relatives were there."

Anyway sorry for the long rant!! I just wanted to say that i absolutely love your Marrissey ramblings, Have a nice day :)

Hi anon! don't worry you're not bothering me at all, i'm always down to talk abt marrissey haha i'll just have to reply w/2 separate parts bc there's so much i want to say lmao 1. i've been chatting to @loathsome-tonight abt this (comparing notes, so to speak) and both of us agree that the "no-contact" situation after The Smiths' breakup is essentially bullshit, and for quite a few reasons: - first of all, there's proof they were exchanging notes around the time Morrissey was recording Viva Hate - when Johnny Rogan first published his book Morrissey and Marr: The Severed Alliance Morrissey predictably wanted no part in it, and Johnny only got involved bc he felt pressured by the author getting a bit too close to his friends and family. however, once the book came out Johnny apparently felt compelled to call Morrissey and reassure him abt the extent and the reasons of his involvement - when Morrissey released The Last of the Famous International Playboys, Johnny apparently sent him a note to congratulate him on its success - if you've read Morrissey's Autobio, you'll know he sent Johnny a letter in 1992, to which Johnny replied telling him he was sorry for everything that happened and taking "full responsibility". they then met each other and went for a drive on the moors - after that meeting, their relationship seemed to improve. in a 1993 interview for Select, Johnny said: "the relationship between me and Morrissey is the best in the group, of the four of us. i still see him now. i called him last night. last time i saw him was a couple of days before he went to do his recent album. we let a bored media get the better of us, but there's always been a certain telepathy between us even when we didn't see each other. we played a game with the press and they played with us, but it's not true life. no, we're friends." - then, the trial happened. and that's when things went south again between them. being interviewed with Bernard Sumner for The Face in july 1996, and being asked if he and Morrissey were still friends, Johnny said: "not... (pregnant pause) not particularly... [...] if i'm too glib then people think i'm being disrespectful and if i'm too serious they think there's a reconciliation on the cards. i just don't have any feelings about it." except a month earlier, once again being interviewed with Bernard Sumner (for the NME this time) he was playing quite a different tune. asked if he was still in contact with Morrissey, he said: "occasionally. last time we met it was a really nice experience. it was really good to see him, especially since a... a feud that didn't really exist had become public property. and because of the relationship we had it was time to resolve it in private and do something ourselves because it was really quite a serious situation. i was tired of being involved in other people's games and i wanted to do something for us. [...] i know it's interesting for other people, but it's kinda private. i certainly don't wish him - or anyone i've worked with - ill. life's too short." whatever happened between them at that time, it seems like 1996 was quite a turbulent year for their relationship... - years after (seemingly) going their separate ways, in 2008, they met once again. this time in person, in a pub in Manchester. apparently they even talked abt a potential Smiths' reunion, but Johnny already had other engagements with The Cribs, so nothing was done abt it - in recent years, Johnny also mentioned exchanging emails with Morrissey so even tho i highly doubt they're still in contact now, there was definitely a time when they were on speaking terms, even after The Smiths broke up. however, it seems like their relationship was quite volatile and hot and cold, with them being fine one moment and being snarky the next. personally, i've found it surprising how none of the biographers/journos that wrote abt them directly challenged them on this, bc ultimately it's very easily disprovable.

[judithan-xing]

i feel like if i ever released my notes for CADAVER ppl would really realize how fucking unhinged i was writing that whole thing like. its actually buck wild. Honestly i'll go ahead and post it for funsies cuz I think getting to see the ideas n stuff behind ppl's work is cool, so someone out there will probably appreciate this.

some fun behind the scenes notes about it under the read more if you're interested in a mad man's ranting

my notes about what aspects of Vincent/Cid should stay the same and what parts i felt were fine to mess with.

originally i was gonna lean WAY more into Vincent being a traditional vampire rather than a horrible amalgamation of man and demon, to the point he would just straight up be hunting n whatever. I scrapped that in favor of just making him mostly immortal and can eat/drink regular stuff for fun but wants to feed off of Cid cuz bloodlust and also regular lust

i literally kept rewriting the Vague Overarching plot of Cadaver and then randomly, in the middle of the document put 'Vampire Vincent x Hunter Cid' as if this would fucking mean ANYTHING to me later. I think I was literally half asleep when i put that in. It's hilarious. I don't know why it's there or that far down. Also this was me trying to decide how close to Red Snow I wanted it to be, and originally it was gonna be Pretty Fuckin Close but I scrapped that.

hilarious that "THINGS FOR SURE" first plot point wasnt even fuckin used lmao. Also originally Vin was gonna be turned into a vampire AND THEN had chaos implanted, rather than chaos being the thing to turn him. wack. I dont even remember writing that.

i need yall to know i saw a fucking dragon outfit for fli/ght ri/sing that literally permanently altered the course of Cadaver. I'm not kidding. Someone had a cool dragon outfit preset thing for a deadzone investigator and it inspired me so much I changed Cid's profession to that. Seriously.

im so mad i wasn't able to use that stellar fucking line i cooked up at the bottom, but yall get to see it now. but yeah originally the presentation was gonna Actually Be A Presentation and then i realized 'i dont want to fucking write that, that's boring as shit' so I didn't. also i ended up making rufus way more hands-off cuz i just. dont know his character that well and didnt want to start in the middle of a huge plotfic thats not about him

these are dead ass all my notes for Cadaver. like. that's it. no chapter by chapter set up or plan or anything like that. I literally wrote about 2000 words of rambling notes, went 'yeah thats good enough' and ripped out a 63k word fic in like 3 weeks. i dont know. i dont know. its crazy.