#not kinda like in a burnout way! but close-ish

[viaetor]

(๑╥﹏╥)੭ ♡

[twost3ps]

I have not been doing so hot. I keep on saying that but burnout is actually crazy double comboed with artblock. But after some tears of frustration I wanted to show my swap au so yeyey

Short synopsis:

Lilith, Lucifur, Charlie 🔄 Adam, Micheal, Emily

Micheal and Adam fall after taking the forbidden fruit (it is a pear!) Rule over hell together and then have 7 children- Cain, Abel, Seth, Alclima, Awan and Emily. Hell does its own exterminations every year. Micheal and Adam lead along side with their children who participate as well. Up above Charlie watches in dispair. Her father has told her about the horrors of hell and its deranged rulers. She's the angel of Mercy (maybe I might change that) and wants the sinners of hell to have a second chance. So she goes down to hell without asking and tries to find a way to help save some of the sinners from suffering. In that time she makes friends with Hell's royal family starting with Emily and then comes to realize that heaven is a little (a lot) more corrupted than she thought

So here are some of their busts. I drew emily young bcz this was initially going to be a family portrait but I got lazy but for the au she's her canon age her horns are covered by her hair o3o

So heres a long but not full backstory and info of the au if ur interested under the cut:

Idk why yet why Micheal tempted Adam with the pear but it happened. Because of their betrayal, Adam and Micheal get sent down. But while Lilith is stripped of her fertility, Adam has his humanity stripped. When Micheal recovers, he's greeted with his lover in the form of a wild beast, body stretched, covered in feathers. The only human-ish thing is Adam's face which is essentially looks like a porcelain mask of his face with his eyes closed in a permeant smile unless he opens it and then the mask splits in two.

It takes days for Micheal to calm down the animalistic Adam. It just seems like everything about him is gone. Micheal still loves him, though, so he stays. Adam thrashes around, he screams, and he yells. The abyss is nothing but rubble as Adam digs wildly while screaming. Adam is too hostile for Micheal to comfort so he deals with just watching from afar.

As years roll by as Micheal watches his lover, Adam begins to calm down. He's grown tired and his animalistic rage has subsided. Micheal is able to pet Adam and he can see how tured Adam is. They begin sleeping together again.

All seems hopeless that Adam will ever gain any semblance of his humanity. That is until the first sinner arrives.

Micheal had seen the sinner from afar. He was going to approach, but then he heard Adam. Adam barreled at the sinner and before Micheal knew it, Adam had eaten the sinner with a vile crunch.

Micheal rushed to Adam to see the damage. Then Adam moved and turned. It was then that Adam had spoken properly since the fall. He asked Micheal what happened but Micheal could only stare and cry. They were able to talk for a while and they savored every bit of it.

That joy only lasted for a few hours before Adam became animalistic again.

From then on, Micheal made it his mission to gather as many sinners and feed them to Adam.

Initially it hurt. It hurt a lot. And after doing it for so long, Micheal knew that the sinners would never reform. But that harsh reality paled in comparison to Adam finally having his concise again. Being able to finally talk to his lover and husband was more than enough reason for him.

So time flies and hell is getting bigger and stronger. The population of sinners is also getting bigger. There becomes less spawn killing of sinners but they are kinda checked over like livestock to the royal family.

Hell in this universe is more fairy tale based to differ from whats supposed be a circus theme??? that i get from hazbin. Thats what people say so I'm making my hell the brothers grim x into the woods x shrek.

I want the royal family in fairy tale clothes okay >:(

Hell is essentially far far away land except everything is out to get you. The place is straight up inhabitable as everyone who spawns in ends up having to run away immediately. It's so hard not to die or get hurt. The terrane is unforgiving, the trees are out to get you, the flowers are out to get you, the animals are out to get you, the weather is out to get you, the water thats not whatever is out to get you. Any wrong slip and you can just die again. Sinners are a lot more prone to betrayal and rage because living is just so hard.

There is no pentagram city, its like, a couple of very small town that are ruled by overolords. Overlords are people who just got lucky or got into a contract with one of the royal children. They use their power to stay alive and have some semblance of stability but they are given power to they raise other sinners like cattle through contracts if needed.

These overlords though are pretty... yeah... so they kinda become like those fairy tale villains.

So for funzies, all those fairy tales that people hear on earth are true stories that come from hell that had been told by demons who escape to the mortal realm and whisper them in writers ears as they sleep or some bs like that sdfoeufb

But as stated, exterminations do happen. Like cattle, it is important to save up the stock. You cant consume everything as they come, cattle needs its time to grow. So every year, they let the population grow and on extermination day, Micheal and Adam ride out into hell as they purge a bunch of sinners till Adam eats enough to revert back to human form till the next ectermination.

It's only them that exterminate and collect till their children grow up and join them in the exterminations- fueled by their want to keep Adam humanly conscious. They collect the bodies and then Adam feeds on them after hours to gain his humanity back

Micheal and Adam have their children- Cain, Abel, Seth, Alclima, Awan and Emily

Cain, Seth, Alclima, and Awan become the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse (i went with the good omens version with death, famine, war and pestilence- conquest is not one -yet- )

Cain (death) in very short is like Death in puss and boots with a lot less chill. He does have Death's sickles (I wanted to make them Abel's horns so thats a maybe) He's a mama's (adam) boy and a giant brat

Seth (Famine) Chillest of the siblings. He's a lot like Adam, just not as brash. He spreads famine through locusts that emerge from his cloak. They look like pretty jewels until they fly off. Food rots in his presence during exterminations. He hates when he accidentally activates it when hes eating (he loves snacking)

Alclima (War) She's very tough and brutish. Very honest in her opinions and not afraid to speak about it. Her and Cain play fight a lot. The exorcist army exists but they live as the royal family's castle's soldiers and they are commanded by Alclima. During exterminations, she is the one to lead them in battle. Her presence gives people the rage of war.

Awan (Pestilence) Very eerie girl/ Shes got that dead eye look sometimes and just stares at people. Shes actually very kind and soothing. She's very girly and has a room similar to stockings from paswg. Shes a stem girlie

Abel kind of overlooks them as the representation of chaos. (I wanted the death and chaos are the children of the devil thing to happen so this it) The first attempted murder does happen between Abel and Cain, but since they're in hell magic sooo hahah blam Cain allows his body to merge with Abel out of regret and so Abel kind lives in his conscience but can also switch control over his brother (idk im so done)

Emily is supposed to become a fifth horseman as the representation of conquest. But she young and stuff and only just became an adult so she still maneuvering through it- also sera's here too and she takes the place of Alastor and is a royal advisor to the family sufoauebfoebos

They are all part lion coming from Micheal but their horns are from Adam

Their children are very mixed about exterminations, but Emily has the most issues with it. The family in general feels bad, but family over the people. Emily is just way more emotional about it, especially since she is yet to participate.

Exterminations are very mixed in hell with the citizens because while some have the will to live, some want to truly end their suffering. Many willingly sacrifice themselves and go under contracts with overlords. With overlords, they get to live comfortably as they possibly can but they still hate hell so when exterminations roll around they willingly die.

This is a lot but its not everything. Actually this is all very vauge rn but idk if I want to work on this :p

THIS IS SUCH A MESSKJFBIABFIAEGFIAUEGIdfi

Also a bit of the beast adam deisgn. I want to add some more stuff. do some tweaking but AUAGSDD yuppers i will change some stuff about him later (i forgot his horns)

i dont think i'll do much with this au after this -maybe draw it but i won't write- but it was a fun thought

I'll try to post tomorrow some guitarhero stuff but im so dead IAFBISUEBFGI

[natimiles]

SO LIKE... I'm a hoe for Theo and I will forever love his route even though I wish the story wasn't squeezed to death by a month. 😞

I wanna take a moment to to adore the fact that this grumpy ass guard dog has so much little brother energy I can't help, but scream (IRL I will be too scared too, but he's really funny when he's being bullied I'm sorry). I mean irl I'll probably bite his hand and tell him to leave me tf alone, but God he's adorable and scary with his older brother. I still feel heartbroken though because of... Well backstory reasons (if you know you know).

Alsoo.... I adore his frenemy... Probably bc he's my frenemy. My God I have such a love-hate feeling with this flirty mfer it's not even funny. I did legit hate him at first though and I still kinda do especially because he does creep me out a little with his flirting like... I get it's an act for the most part, but much like he hates how unreadable Dazai is, I honestly have a hard time reading him too. Still though, I feel really heartbroken for this dork. Yet I also wanna smack him in the face with a broom bc holy shit he needs a reality check. Like SIR this is not okay... Also I love the way this guy just had this pouty face, kinda makes me wanna bully him a little (even though I'll probably be to scared to bully him just like with Theo). Irl I'll probably absolutely hide from him though like the flag and absolutely wouldn't tolerate his attitude (I know he'll actually be understanding, but that'll take a long time to believe...) I feel bad, but like that's the honest truth.

I wanna befriend Issac, but I'll probably be scared to approach him. I mean we probably won't have much in common bc I'm anime/ manga/art-ish hoe, but something about him makes me wanna befriend him (possibly marry him)? He just looks so friend SHAPED even though he hates it...

Also I hc Levi with gifted kid burnout (totally not bc I'm sorta projecting myself onto him). Bro undervalues himself way too much... I was also gonna add that IRL every brother in the game will probably hate me solely bc I absolutely have no confidence and I rather hide especially to due the fact that I'll be far from home. 💀 I also probably be too scared to talk to Levi and Mammon even though I love them very much. Idk as much as I like tsun-tsun, I genuinely be to dense to understand and absolutely to sensitive to the shit they'll say.

Sill though, Levi is an mood and if I manage to not be... A weirdo, I'll probably get along with him the most ( even though he'll be yelling at me to finish the fucking manga properly). Mammon though... I love this dumbass, I truly do, but I swear we'll drive each other insane.

Also adore Levi when he's cocky (even if it'll start sting), I just swoon over a character who lost his confidence finally getting it. It's just.... Amazing. Mammon being the big bro... 😭 Oh how my heart burst.

YES! Let’s all agree that ONE MONTH IS TOO SHORT! At least Ikesen MC had 3 months before deciding to stay in the past. It bugs me that we have such a short time with them. I understand they didn’t want really long routes or whatever, but... damn Cybird, ONE MONTH? But it’s still better than ELEVEN DAYS, right? Yes, I’m talking TO YOU, Mystic Messenger.

HASIUEHASIUEHAS, he calls us hondje but he is such a puppy! Like Vincent just goes “Be nice, Theo. Shut it, Theo” and he just “Fine, Broer…” HIUSAHEAUISHESAIUH. But yeah, I know! It’s been a while, but I played his routes... Interlude helped a little to remember some things. And damn… it’s a lot to take in and develop IN ONE MONTH, CYBIRD! For both of them, really. I hate Vincent’s ending Irl I’d probably not get too close to Theo but not because he scares me, but because he’s rude HASIEHASIUE.

I. LOVE. ARTHUR. This bitch has so many issues. He’s another puppy that just wants (and needs) to be loved 🥹 And I love their relationship! Frenemies? Yes! Besties? Yes! Best wingmans for each other? Yes! LOVERS? FUCKING YES! I wanna smack his face with my face. Or with Theo’s face, whoever is closer, HASIUEHASUIEHSA. But even if it's a platonic relationship, Arthur is such a good friend. He really cares for others… He’s the one who helps Theo in Interlude and it’s precious 🥹

Me and Isaac don’t have anything in common. Would that stop me? Absolutely not. Just come here and let me love you, you awkward hedgehog! I LIVE TO LOVE SHY MEN! He would be a good friend too! If he considers you a friend, it means so much to him! But I’d rather marry him, HAISUEHASUIHESA. And we would bond over the things we like, even if they’re so different. I like the stars, but I don’t know much about them, so he could teach me. And I could tell him about all my favorite animes, mangas and games. 

Ooooh! I searched for it and… I can totally see Levi! People tend to think Satan is the only one that’s actually smart, but they all are smart in their own ways. I feel Levi is not appreciated enough, even in-game. Sometimes he’s there just to be funny and to be the awkward, shy guy. My baby doesn’t deserve that, he deserves so much love. Also, I think Mammon totally has ADHD. He’s good with math, as long as you explain it to him as if you were talking about money (his hyperfocus). Belphie is smart too, he sleeps in every class and he still has good grades. 

Irl I’d get closer to Levi and Beel first. I love cooking, so Beel would love me quickly. I wouldn’t help Belphie because I’d obey Lucifer and stay away from the attic, HAISEHASIUEHSA. Mammon is the type of friend I could have and that I would want to kill every 2 seconds, but I couldn’t leave him alone or he’d get in trouble and get himself killed. But out of everyone, I think Solomon is more the type of friend I usually have? I don’t know why though, I just have this feeling about him, AHSIEUHASUIEHSA.

I LIVE FOR A COCKY AND CONFIDENT LEVI! Gimme moooooore! I was looking at some random screenshots I have here and I found one of him, I think it’s from that beach Devilgram. The one we have an animation from him… I don’t know the name, HAIUEHASUIEHSA. But the point is: Levi can be assertive and confident when he really wants (or needs) to!

Ignore the awful quality. I had to play at the lowest quality because my phone wasn't the best at the time, AHSIUEHSA.

[artbyblastweave]

0In terms of Worm’s larger deconstructive project, I’ve always sort of pattern-matched New Wave/The Brockton Bay Brigade to The Fantastic Four. Not necessarily to the internal family dynamic itself; there’s no one-to-one there, besides the fact that they’re both crimefighting families- but to the celebrity element. An examination of what would happen, what would go wrong if you had a public-facing family of crime fighters, no secret identities.

There’s very little money in it, for one thing; Ward establishes that unlike the Fantastic Four, the Dallon-Pelhams have a hard time monetizing their situation, soliciting donations and relying on their out-of-costume careers to make ends meet. No super scientists extorting Proctor-and-Gamble here. 

Panacea loosely covers the “why don’t they change the world with their superscience” bit- because it would lead to burnout, put too much descision-making power in the hands of one fallible person, and lead to someone who’s both guilty about not doing enough and resentful of how much of their time is monopolized by helping people to try and feel less guilty.

Glory Girl covers the perverse incentives you’d see if you had maskless, “publicly accountable” heroes; if your whole image is tied up in being a wholesome family that plays by the rules to earn people’s trust, you’re incentivized to go to unethical lengths to cover up your missteps, and being “publicly accountable” is kinda just code for being able to effectively swing celebrity power and institutional connections around like a cudgel.

The situation with Fleur and Lightstar is another example of the “public-facing-family” dynamic turning sour, and actually pattern-matches pretty closely to a problem the FF have dealt with at numerous points, including during Civil War when The Human Torch was attacked by a mob in his civilian identity. If you operate without secret identities, people can hunt you down when you’re out of costume and murder your uncostumed ass, and turn you into an example as to why nobody should follow your lead in unmasking. (For a long time, the FF were some of the only heroes without secret identities not because they were making a statement, but because the circumstances of their empowerment made it too hard to get away with what they were doing.)

Now, the thing is that there’s a big and obvious way in which New Wave doesn’t map to the Fantastic Four, and it’s a pretty foundational one; the Fantastic Four are scientists, explorers and adventurers. Structurally speaking, their stories hew closer to Lost in Space or Star Trek than they do to a lot of conventional cape stories. They’re specialists who you call to look at the latest weird science thing. They’re the vanguard you send through a portal to see what’s on the other side. You send them to open relations with Wakanda and Atilla and The Savage Land, and they’re the perfect people to send because of their (or at least Reeds) genuine sense wonder and love of discovery and their disdain for political intrigue in favor of collaboration and SCIENCE! The crime fighting is ancillary, something they do as it comes up or becomes immoral to ignore, but it’s not their charter.

This is something Worm doesn’t model as precisely. You get close-ish with Toybox, the extradimensional Tinker Think Tank, but there’s no group that serves the same function the FF does as a public-facing adventure-research institute staffed by parahumans. This is something that’s actually much easier to imagine forming during the Ward era, due to the thinning of dimensional walls, the increased accessability of Shardspace, and the deaths of Mannequin and Simurgh and everyone else who was making a point of wiping out would-be Reed Richards. It still wouldn’t line up perfectly, because a big part of the FF is that they were the first, the foundationals, the first spark of wonder the world had seen in years. But a “go-where-no-man-has-gone-before” team in the Ward era really would round out the archetype!

[mbeebowriting]

draco malfoy x reader

warnings: none other than a kinda ooc draco!

word count: 1.8k

notes: okay this is very specific and super self indulgent but also really sweet and cute so!!! enjoy!!! (also this is unedited bc im too antsy and excited to post it

     the past 2 weeks had overwhelmed you. tests, papers, concerts, forced social gatherings- your energy had just run out. you still had another week to go before any kind of break though- so the timing of your burnout was less than ideal. at this point, you barely had enough energy to talk to your friends, so when draco malfoy tapped on your shoulder during class, you whirled around, ready to fight. what you weren’t expecting was his question.

     “can you help me with this?” you blinked in surprise. she you had short conversations before class, but it still shocked you a little bit.

     “yeah, sure. i’ll show you.” you walked him through the spell a few times, until he was able to execute it well enough to pass. 

     “great, thank you!” he said with a smile. his politeness threw you off, and all you could do was smile and turn back around. what you didn’t see was how his smile fell after that.

     the next day, for whatever reason, he sat next to you, but you were still feeling equally as drained as the day before. at the end of class he stopped you from leaving with yet again, a small conversation.

     “do you think we could meet out of class to work on these charms? you seem to really understand it and i could use some help.”

     “im sorry draco- my schedule is completely packed until our break.” you replied with a sad smile. “i’ve actually got another performance tonight for the staff dinner.”

     “hm. what about after that? we could grab some dinner and study.” you were taken aback again. why was he being so nice to you? you couldn’t turn him down after he’s showing you kindness you’ve never seen before. plus, he was really cute, you’ve always kind of had a thing for him. 

     “alright, how about 8 o’clock in the great hall?”

     “great, it’s a date.” he said with a wink before leaving the class- leaving you flustered and unsure of what just happened.

     after you had finished your performance, you made your way to the great hall, spotting draco on the way. you chatted idly while grabbing some food and a table. draco sat to your right and your textbooks piled up to your left.  once you began studying, you felt the weight of the day hit you, and you ended up zoning out and staring at your textbook. you laid your head in your hand and decided to close your eyes for just one minute. unsurprisingly, you fell asleep. when you woke up, you and draco were the only ones in the room.

     “good morning.” draco said. it was at this point that you realized the position you were in, in your sleep, you had shifted so that  your head was resting on his shoulder. you immediately lifted your head up and avoided eye contact with him. 

     “what time is it?”

     “11:30-ish.”

     “you let me sleep that long?’ you exclaimed.

     “you just seemed so tired and like you needed a break. and plus…” he trailed off. “nevermind.”

     “no no, wait. plus what?” he became visibly flustered.

     “nothing, there is no plus!”

     “tell me what the plus is or i’ll ditch you and hang out with potter instead.” his eyes widened- did that actually make him mad?

     “fine. i was just going to say you looked cute on my shoulder like that.” now it was your turn to be flustered. suddenly your textbook was incredibly interesting. you could feel him smirking beside you, but couldn’t bring yourself to look at him. he leaned into to your ear and sent chills down your spine as he spoke. “but to be fair, you look cute all the time.” you covered your face with your hands to hide your blush. he went to pull your hands away, and chuckled as you swatted them away. “hey, you asked for this! why are you so embarrassed anyway, i’m just stating facts.” you sighed in response, but couldn’t hold back a smile. 

     “i need to go draco, i have another concert tomorrow and i need to be at my best.” your smile fell.

     “alright. i hope it goes well.” you gave him a sad smile and couldn’t stop the tears from pricking at your eyes. “hey woah, what’s going on? are you okay?”

     “yeah.” you said shakily and unconvincingly, to which he gave you a look. “i’m just exhausted and… i really wish my family could be here for this concert.” you were so focused on talking without crying your barely noticed draco’s hand holding your own. “everyone else’s families come for this concert, it’s our last one, but my parents decided… they would rather visit my sisters than me. i just wish someone would come support me at this last concert.” one tear was set free as you blinked. it rolled down your cheek and dropped onto draco’s hand. he was clearly caught off guard by your sudden change in emotion, but his voice was steady when he spoke.

     “what time is it?”

     “no, draco-”

     “and where?”

     “draco you don’t have to come out of pity, it’s okay. this is how it’s always been, i’m used to it. i stopped looking for familiar faces in the audience years ago.”

     “what? that’s not okay! when and where is it. i’ll be there.” you studied his eyes before answering.

     “it’s here, after they serve dinner.”

     “i’ll be there.” 

     “...why?”      “because you deserve to have someone in the audience-”

     “no, why are you being so nice to me? this feels so… out of character for you.” his eyes darted around the room, looking anywhere but your own. 

     “i- you just haven’t done anything wrong for me to… uhh…” he struggled to find the word. “tease you for.” you couldn’t help but feel disappointed at his response.

     “well, thank you for that i guess. but we should really get going. it’s late.” he agreed with you, so you packed up all your things and went your separate ways.

     “(y/n)!” your roommate shouted as you walked in. “where on GOD have you been? don’t you have a concert tomorrow and classes all morning?” you flopped down on your bed.

     “yeah, since when do you track my schedule?”

     “you were complaining about it in charms.”

     “fair enough, that does sound like me. but why are you so worried about this suddenly?”

     “hmm, not worried, just curious.” she said, sitting next to you on your bed. “i happened to walk by the great hall just an hour ago,” your eyes went wide. “and saw you with none other than the prince of slytherin himself: draco malfoy.”

     “don’t jump to conclusions, we were just studying.”

     “for god’s sake (y/n), you were asleep on his shoulder! did he ever say it was a date? i bet he did.” 

     “well yeah, but i thought he was just teasing. he does that.” she gave you the same look that draco had given you earlier. “okay and he also called me cute and is coming to my concert tomorrow but don’t read into that, he probably wasn’t serious!” 

     “guess we’ll just have to wait and see.”

     “what?”

     “well if he has a thing for you too, he’ll be at the concert.”

     “too? excuse you?”

     “i love you to death (y/n) but you’re a terrible liar, and you’re not very subtle.”

     the day’s classes had flown by- it was concert time. you arrived early, helping set up the chairs and music, and once you had settled into your spot and people had filled in, you couldn’t believe what you saw. what seemed like the entirety of the slytherin house was packed into the front section, with one familiar asshole front and center. he caught your eye and sent you a smile. you couldn’t even think of what to do back, you were too shook.

     the concert itself went by quickly. you played beautifully, and all of your emotions poured through your instrument. by the end, you were shaky, emotional, and nervous to see draco after. you didn’t have much time to compose yourself however, as he was the first person you saw as you walked off stage. before you could say anything, he wrapped you in a hug (but quickly pulled away once he realized people were staring).

     “you did incredible!”

     “thank you- how did you… why are there… what?” you could barely get a sentence out.

     “i just asked some people to come and support you, you deserve a big cheering section.”

     “draco, i…” suddenly you were aware of everyone standing around you two. “can we maybe go somewhere a little quieter?” he nodded and pulled you through the crowd, out the door, and down the hallway into the courtyard. he sat down on a bench and motioned for you to sit next to him, which you gladly did. you took a deep breath before speaking, trying to kill your nerves that arose with the thought of sharing your feelings with him. you were so in your head, you barely processed what he said when he spoke.

      “you really did well up there today. and you look stunning too, by the way.” again, no thoughts heady empty, you could not think of a response for the life of you. he chuckled. “i’m sure you’ve figured it out by now, i’m not just nice to you because you ‘done nothing wrong’ or whatever i said yesterday.” he stared at you, waiting for a response, but all you could do was smile and let your palms sweat. “are you really gonna make me say it? it’s because i like you (y/n).” the final twist of the knife. there were simultaneously one million and absolutely no thoughts swimming around your head, but when you didn’t respond he started to lean away and looked hurt.

     “wait no- i’m sorry! this is just a lot all at once! i like you too draco.” you rushed out. he returned to your side, eyebrows raised.

     “yeah?”

     “yeah. you must have charmed me or something, because i really do. somehow.”

      “hey! first of all, rude. second of all, i’m terrible at charms. you know that.” you two joked back and forth until the moon shone brightly up above. after you both agreed it was time to head back to your respective dorms, a nervous silence fell. 

     “sooo…” you drawled on. “good night i guess?”

     “good night to you too.” silence again. “do you have time for another study date tomorrow? i spent most of our last one being nervous and trying not to wake you up.”

     “yeah! i’m free tomorrow night if you want?”

     “alright, it’s a date.” he said for leaning down to kiss you, and walking away. leaving you flustered and unsure of what just happened for the second time that week.

[cogneartive]

The Great Peter Infodump of March 2020

yo @brackets-and-woolly-hats @mijaco-geo and @mike-nesmith-for-mayor I have recently been informed that yall would really like me to infodump about Peter and I want to thank yall because I think if I held it in any longer I would explode

Also thanks to the coolcherrycream articles and various interviews that I learnt all these from in the 5-ish months I’ve been thinking about the monkees for

But before I start going hnngggg Peter I would like to warn you that despite my tone this is going to contain some heavy stuff. We’re talking brief mentions of blood, and suicide and death so be careful about that

This is gonna get hella long so *cracks knuckles* let’s begin

Childhood

let’s start from the very beginning: a very good place to start

Friday, 13th February one bb was born and he would always say that Friday the 13th was a lucky day for years onwards

He was born with a lot of diversity in his parentage

He’s Irish and German-Jewish on his mother’s side and Norwegian on his dad’s side

Speaking of Jewishness (is that a word???) I rememeber an article saying that he used to randomly say Hebrew words in interviews and I think he taught Mike how to say something too?? I dont know

Peter was a very friendly boy even when he was just a toddler cus he would drag any new friend he had home

Anyway, he was born in Washington DC

Once on Christmas he went missing and his mum and grams panicked and looked all over the house for him

Turns out he was just waiting at lampost in the snow because he wanted to make sure that Santa would bring him a present

Speaking of Grams, when he was 3 (i think im doing this from memory) he was at a post office with his mother when she came in.

He got uber excited and shouted “THAT’S MY GRAMS. HER NAME IS CAIT!”

And so everyone turned to look at her and he squealed

He would also often ride on the top part double deck buses and whenever the bus slowed down, he would wave to nearby people and say “HI MY NAME’S PETER WHAT’S YOUR?” to which those people who wave back and sometimes answer him. I mean, wouldn’t you?

Also he started to play with pianos when he was 3 and also he liked dancing so that’s cute

One of his first memories was of being at the hospital where his brother Nick (who they called Nicky and that’s what I’m going to call him) was born

Soon after Nicky was born they moved to Germany Yeet. He was 4 and the time and Nicky was like 18 months or smth

Germany

Right so I dont know why people dont talk about this part of his childhood because like,,,it’s interesting??

In Germany they had two maids

They had to put sugar in every food so that Peter and Nicky would actually eat the strange German food

He became very fluent in German and would help his mother with translations

He was also fluent in French for some reason

Someone made a statue of his 4 year old head and it became a famous minor art piece that featured in calendars

It probably now sits in his house because I saw in in the background of the short documentary that his son, Ivan Ivanoli made about him which you sould check btw

Anyway, when Peter was 5 he made his first official best friend Ule who was two years older than him

Once when he was playing hide and seek with Nicky he ran at full force at a closed glass door that he thought was open, shattering it, and getting a shard into his arm. Reasonably he screamed

Apparently, he was hurt a major artery and would have bled to death if not for someone being in the house to call a doctor

Once he was out and about wandering around, as you would do if you were Peter when he was stopped by some official looking guy from going back into his own house.

It’s important to note that Peter looked very much like a German boy and would ONLY talk in German outside. God knows why he did this.  Reasonably, the dude thought he was lying and he had to call for his mum

Anyway, in Germany school starts when you’re five but his birthday was in the middle of the school year so his parents sent him in early which set him up for some outcasted child syndrome later

And then the moved back to America yeet

AMERICA (LAND OF CAPITALISM)

So he moved back into America but it didn’t stop there. No. They had to move around like a 100 different times and as someone who went to a total of 4 different schools (so far oh no) that sets you up with outcasted child syndrome. What also sets you up with outcasted child syndrome is if you’re an undiagnosed neurodivergent which Peter seemed to think he was when he was in his 50s (either ADHD or autism) so uhh keep that in mind

So he was in school and as mentioned earlier he was a year younger than his peers so that’s fun

He was very very clever. Often he would finish his work first and his (4th grade) teacher would make do some reading or creative writing. She encouraged him to do creative writing because she saw some talent in there

Not only was he acadmically gifted, but he was also musically gifted. Playing not only the piano (which he got lessons for) but also the guitar, the banjo, the bass, and the french horn which he got an award for when he was in highschool playing in a band made out of college students for some reason

Speaking of awards, he was once given an award for maths

This giftedness would later set him up for Gifted Child Burnout he had in college

Also he changed schools like a total of 13 times so that’s fun

He went to a private school but apparentl, according to his parents, he hated it (but he remembered liking it???)

Also, he made a lot of jokes in class

Remember Nicky? Yeah, Nicky would often write songs for him to sing and stuff (Nicky would later write songs for Peter’s solo album and a bunch of other stuff what a great brother we stan)

The family had some kind of barn once where he would do puppet shows his siblings

Anyway, school life was all fine and dandy until 5th grade hit and he changed schools and everyone lost interest in him because he was one year younger

Also his dad was apparently very disconnected with him. Needless to say, Peter felt like his father didn’t like him

Once when he was 9, he told his father that he noticed that when the clouds were around at night, it would be warmer during the day to which his father shouted at him saying that “he has no proof of that” and that he shouldn’t say anything without proof

This of course led him to feel like no one wanted to listen to what he wanted to say

poor baby

I think his father would have been the reason why Peter would later say in an interview that he hated “loud abusiveness” the most

He would also later say that a combination of his dad and feeling like he was weird and different would lead him to his drinking problem

So umm we dont stan his dad ok

Once when he was 13 he picked up a loaded shotgun and put it against his head. But he decided that he didn’t want to do it at the last second.

Overall, life from 5th grade till highschool was terrible for him

He didn’t have any friends in his school

So when he moved to a new school in Conneticut where he was surrounded with people of the same age, he was really happy all the way until college where he flunked out twice

Hippie Time (Honestly this part is just me talking about him and Stephen Stills because Steter Stirk changed me)

And so Peter became a hippie in Greenwich Village

In the Village, he became a sort of entertainer. Not just singing and playing, he was also a comedian. 

And then he kept hearing about this dude who looked like him from other people.

This dude turned out to be Stephen who was also hearing the same kind of talk for about the same amount of time

Pete and Stephen VIBED im not kidding they started to play with each other and also Stephen’s room mate who was also there

Also it turns out that they liked to talk about the same things so that’s neat

Peter went to Venuzuela apparently and when he came back the Monkee thing happened yeet

Once when Stephen was waiting to move into his new house Peter was all like “hey dude live with me”

For a while they also lived in the same house when he was Monkee and if that doesn’t fuel any ship fics I dont know what will

Im serious the ship is here and its real I saw fics and fanart

Dont ask about Stirk

They played with the colour tv and would “pick apart each other’s brains” umm

Also Peter’s favourite band was buffalo springfield and we stan a friend who would say your band was their favourite band

And I think this is where my knowledge starts to fade because I haven’t really heard any cool facts from here on afterwards

Last Final Cool Facts

He was a teacher for quite a while and taught about Maths, basketball (despite not liking any sport except swimming) and Easter Philosophy,,,yes easter philosphy the man was into that kinda stuff

Also he was a big reader. Always having a smoll book in his pocket that he would read while on set with the Monkees. But he was particularly a non fic kinda guy

He would write poetry on the back of scripts

In the 2000s he said that his sister thought he might have ADD

Also autism but when asked about it he’d be all P E R H A P S

which is very unhelpful Peter pls give us a straight answer

I mean he cant give us straight answers because he was the gayest monkee (he fricked a dude once but he didn’t like it)

Hey look I ended on a gay note yeet. Thanks for reading this mess

[thearchiveofaus]

The Magnus Archives | Assassination Classroom AU (version A probably)

(long post, so the rest is under the cut)

The archival staff + several other characters are part of some prestigious school’s Class 3-F, for “problem kids” and the bottom 5% of students at the school

Class 3-F always endure horrific discrimination on top of poor learning conditions and it seems this year’s class is no exception

But on the first day of the school year something mysteriously destroys around 70% of the moon, leaving it in a permanent crescent shape

Around a week later, a strange creature appears in their class proclaiming to be responsible for the moon’s destruction, and also their new class teacher

The students are then assigned by the government to kill the creature in one year, during which he will be teaching them both normal school subjects and also train them to become assassins

The unkillable teacher is Elias

(no last name given and also probably no catchy nickname)

He’s not evil or manipulative or anything, he’s genuinely polite and cheery and strict but kind to the students and really passionate about teaching them all

But he’s also really blunt and goofy and extra at times

Appearance-wise I have no idea what he looks like yet (*ﾟｰﾟ)ゞ

but I imagine he’s probably monster!Jon adjacent at least - humanoid but also clearly monstrous, maybe mothy?? wings????, EYES

His expressions do not change (maybe he has no facial features other than eyes at all) but his eyes change color depending on his mood

Normal is emerald green, smug is kinda yellow and glowy, etc.

I imagine he can move and fly really fast but not as fast as Korosensei in canon - Elias goes about mach 16-18 tops, probably

But his reflexes are mad quick it’s really hard to catch him off-guard

Maybe because he’s got multiple eyes and can see multiple directions

He’s also brilliant and can predict people pretty well after observing them enough time

Elias teaches most of the subjects all by himself

Eventually he’s joined by two other teachers tho don’t worry

Adelard Dekker is a preacher turned government agent assigned to monitor Elias and the class, while also teaching physical education and combat (unarmed, with a knife, with two knives, with various guns, etc.) and also marksmanship

Annabelle Cane is a renowned assassin who was assigned to teach foreign languages and social manipulation

Well initially she was aiming to assassinate Elias herself and didn’t care about teaching, but after seeing his dedication to teaching them she decides to stick around

If a student is willing she can also teach them the art of deception, seduction, and/or intimidation as a way to reach a target

Class 3-F is in the school basement, in the area not occupied by the boiler and pipes and other basement stuff

It’s dimly lit and musty, there’s only a classroom and a small and usually understocked science lab, one tiny office (shared between Elias, Adelard, and Annabelle), and a grubby ass unisex bathroom down there

Elias quickly gets fed up with it and digs some big tunnels for them

It’s dark as fuck and kinda spooky but it’s easy to get used to

And Elias put so much shit in the tunnels

There’s literally a sport’s field and marathon track in one of the tunnels so the students can have PE where no one can see?? he tried to add a sunroof to another tunnel??? underground library??? Elias what the fuck

The tunnels do lead to exits above ground in various places, mostly back alleys and stuff, but the students get to class through the main school building mostly

And now for some of the students

Jon was initially aloof and cold to everybody and didn’t trust Elias at all

But then he tries suicide-bombing Elias and he almost succeeds, and he gets both praised for catching Elias off-guard and also scolded for putting himself in danger and after that he warms up to Elias a lot

He’s also really observant and makes notes on Elias’s weaknesses and eventually he warms up to his classmates too

Martin was actually sent down bc he was caught working part-time at a cafe to support himself and his mum (side jobs are against school rules actually)

He’s really sweet and supportive and friendly to everybody but at the start of the story he kinda lacks much of a backbone

Then it turns out he’s got a talent for lying and tricking people and he eventually grows stronger and even gathers the courage to confront his mum

(It doesn’t exactly go well and Martin stays with the Stoker family after that, but he’s far happier)

Speaking of which, Tim’s noticed his little bro Danny acting kinda strange and has let his grades drop to worry over Danny, which led Tim to Class 3-F

Everyone expected him to excel in social manipulation, even maybe taking up seduction, but he far prefers training in marksmanship and has even learned to set up bombs

There’s two Sasha Jameses in the class by coincidence; they’re not blood related (one’s got long brown hair, the other has short red hair; brunette!Sasha is also not white, and ginger!Sasha is taller) but they can work with each other remarkably well

Brunette!Sasha’s actually really smart, but struggled through burnout during the previous year and her grades plummeted, sending her to Class 3-F

Ginger!Sasha’s talent leans closer to disguise and deception as opposed to observation

Melanie and Gerry were both suspended for the first couple weeks, for attacking several students and trashing Mr. Leitner’s office respectively, but they quickly come back in once they’ve done their time

They’re both familiar with Jon; Melanie and him get along like bickering siblings, while Gerry was close to him in first year but they eventually drifted apart

Melanie excels in knife combat especially, and she utterly hates Elias at first and actively targets him

Until eventually Elias protects her from a particularly rash assassination attempt, which earned him her trust, though she’s still mean to him at times

Gerry, on the other hand, is good at both short-ranged and long-ranged combat, and also at making traps

Actually, let’s just say Gerry’s really well-rounded in general; he’s good at a lot of subjects, but doesn’t excel at any in particular

Michael and Helen are both transfer students designed specifically to work together to assassinate Elias; they were intended to be transferred in together, but in the end Michael was sent over first and Helen came later on

Michael is a literal killing machine - a box of guns with the face of a human boy on a screen, meant to provide firepower while Helen attacked from up close

At first he had no programmed personality and only knew attacking, until Elias reprogrammed him and gave him a personality and additional abilities

He installed his program onto everyone’s phones and loves messing with them all, but is really helpful when it’s needed

Helen is considered the superior assassin to Michael, and was meant to cover the short-ranged combat

It turns out that she was actually given this gene thing similar to Elias, giving her similar-ish abilities to her (she’s faster, but doesn’t have the eyes and instead has claws and stretchy limbs(?? maybe))

Eventually Elias convinces her to let the thing go and be a normal student learning with the others

Georgie is in a regular class (3-C), but she’s friends with both Jon and Melanie and regularly defends them both from harassment by other students

There’s also the top five students in each of the core school subjects, all of them in Class 3-A, consisting of Agnes, Jude, Nikola, Manuela, and Jane

(I really cannot think of anything to say about them though ;-;)

Elias’s backstory probably matches Korosensei’s really

World’s deadliest assassin/the God of Death (that’s his literal moniker) is betrayed by his student and captured, then experimented on by some mad scientist

The scientist manning the experiment is Jonah Magnus

Gertrude Robinson was one of his right-hands (who also taught for Class 3-F during the day), but she instead grew fond of Elias and talked to him

And when Elias destroyed the lab in his escape after the moon blew up (because of an experiment rat on the moon surface, it really wasn’t his fault - you might as well read assassination classroom it’s really good and explained in more detail) Gertrude was killed in the ensuing chaos

She made Elias promise to teach the students of Class 3-F for her with her dying breath, and Elias chose to make good of that promise

(I’m also thinking maybe the God of Death doesn’t have a birthname but the disciple’s name was Elias, and the God of Death decides to use that as his own name too)

(that’s all i can think of for now ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ)

[mariosomething]

MISTAKES I MADE AS A COMIC OR NOTICED AS A BOOKER...

(NOTE: Never say never, but I can’t imagine getting back on stage again. However, now that comedy is returning to clubs--and potentially booming here in Austin--I think this is worth repeating. Especially #15. Enjoy!)

So, I might be hopping on stage again for my own, personal reasons. Number one being distraction from the crushing loneliness that comes with self-employment. Woo! On the first page of my newly-purchased comedy notebook, I started making a list of things I don’t want to do this time around. The comic I don’t want to be, should I continue performing. Getting in my own way with unfounded beliefs about my abilities or lack thereof. I will—NO DOUBT—repeat some of the following blunders out of muscle memory, and if you catch me doing so, by all means, call me out! In no particular order:

1- Worrying about who’s heard this bit before. One cure for this is to never stop writing new stuff. Also, it’s the JOB of a comedian to repeat the same shit with the same zeal and sincerity for different crowds…crowds that probably don’t attend comedy shows as often as we perform on them.

2- Worrying about making the comics laugh. This is still the hallmark of a great comic to me…the person we’ve all seen before but stop the chit-chat when they get on stage. It’s the opposite of a “crowd-pleaser.” In a perfect world, I can please both—as some do—but ultimately, we don’t get paid to make the back of the room laugh. If I’m building a half-hour, those comics may ‘check out’ during my set, and that’s to be expected. If I concern myself with their approval, I’m ignoring the audience, and by extension, disrespecting them. THEY bought a ticket. They deserve my best attempt.

3- Starting your act with a risky joke. Are there exceptions for these “rules” of mine? Absolutely. But they are just that…exceptions. This one always drove me nuts when I ran the Velv. Especially when the rest of one’s act is relatively benign! Would you lead with your “crazy” on a first date? Talk about all of your flaws on a job interview? Or with music you like…if I wanted to get you into Tom Waits, I’m not gonna recommend The Black Rider—an album only die-hard fans might appreciate. I’d start with something accessible, like Small Change or Rain Dogs. Get them on your side first with your palatable stuff, then give ‘em what you want. (Now go listen to Tom Waits’ Small Change and Rain Dogs.) 

4- Worrying about looking stupid. This is the big one for me. Even though I KNOW the audience WANTS us to look foolish; even while I KNOW they want us to be both vulnerable and confident about it, I have a crippling fear of embarrassment. And this is NOT a good quality for any comedian. I learned that words account for only 7% of communication. The rest is body language, facial expressions and tone. I’ve always hidden behind my words, and have given up on bits that require me to be more animated. So dumb. Which leads me to…

5- Not doing enough ‘act-outs’ in bits. When I watch amazing comedians, they all have this in common. They perform or act-out dialogue. More show than tell. They don’t just recite jokes or one-liners. Even Steven & Mitch & Todd do/did act-outs in their own, low-energy styles. When you start looking for them, they’re everywhere. So much rolling, sustained laughter derives from act-outs. They don’t have to be BIG, they just have to be well-delivered.

6- Writing what I think they might like, not what I like. Another big ‘duh’ but worth repeating. I fell in this trap on the road. I was lovingly told to “write a dick joke already!” when I was a new, quasi-clever comic. And man alive, did I ever make up for it! Some may have had a fake nose and mustache, but they were dick jokes nonetheless, and I wasn’t proud. But they got laughs, and more laughs meant better comment cards, which meant return visits. Awesome way to remain a road comic…shitty way to evolve or get industry to pay attention. It’s also a fast track to burnout. If you’re not doing stuff you like, resentment builds and ambition wanes.

7- Not having goals. A new, tight 10 minutes is my goal today. If that goes well, a new 30. Then maybe an album. When I DID have things to strive for, they “magically” happened. I kept comedy goal lists on my wall, and most came to fruition. Then I got in my head and stopped making those lists. The more I was learning about the biz, the more inadequate I felt. I stopped writing, stopped going to mics and eventually stopped touring. With no new goals, I lost steam and confidence. I was a competent middle, but a spotty headliner…THAT is my ceiling for now. I’d love to be a rock-solid, reliable closer with at least one killer album to show for it. It’s feasible, but I need to start with that initial aim of a new, polished, consistent 10 minutes that I like.

8- Not watching more pros. Something that baffles me about so many new comics. You have the option to catch A-list comedians for FREE at Cap City, your home club, etc…why would you not take advantage? You learn by watching pros, even if it’s what NOT to do. Or what’s being done to death. You can learn structure, pacing, opening and closing. I used to watch comics I knew I wouldn’t like, but came away with respect for how they did things. People forget or don’t know that the late, great Bill Hicks used to be a clean-ish, set-up/punch kinda comedian. He learned the rules so he can break them effectively. Even at his viscous best, he was still super-polished. It’s respect for the craft, dammit. All of your heroes have it.

9- Getting jealous of your friends’ progress. There is sooo much leap-frogging in this business, there’s no need to denigrate yourself for not keeping pace with a peer. “Comedy is the closest thing there is to justice,” according to Colin Quinn, and I 100% agree. If you’re funny, consistently funny, you will get work. Period. When producers run and book shows, they want reliability more than anything. There is no island of misfit-but-actually-brillant comedians out there, waiting to be discovered. Funny gets noticed by EVERYbody. If you’re not getting booked, start looking inward. Seriously. When Cap City demoted me from headliner, I didn’t fight it. I thought they were right to do so because I knew my 50 minutes was about 15 shy of reliable material. Challenge your beliefs about your own act. Maybe you’re better than you think, but maybe it’s just the opposite. It’s worth asking, “What am I doing wrong?” if you’re having trouble getting past open mics. Maybe you are indeed funny, but still too green or inconsistent. Maybe you had a bad showcase set and your friend killed. Your friend may get Montreal before you, but you might get a manager first. You just don’t know! Keep plugging away, because there’s too much out of your control.

10- Not being humble. Jeezus H. Christmas, where did all of this unearned confidence come from?? Not only will I never relate to this, I will continue to chastise and scoff at it. Don’t assume your shit is crushed fruit, especially when you’re new. Don’t trash talk other comics, it WILL bite you in the ass eventually. Or immediately in some cases. Don’t think you’re immediately entitled to the same things that other comics took years to obtain or achieve. There is always something to learn, even from people you disagree with…it’s the definition of being open-minded. There are comics I detest personally, but goddamn if they aren’t great performers/writers. And I’ll probably get push-back for this, but I never called myself a “comedian” until I was able to quit my day job. Until that happened, I was just a dude who “did comedy.” I wanted to earn that title, don’t you?? Skip the business cards and build your act.

11- Not taking chances on stage. I’ve heard from too many comedians that if you’re always killing up there, you’re not taking chances. When I booked a room, I wanted to reward comics who tried new stuff every open mic, or was tweaking it. If a comic kept going up with well-worn bits, I ignored them for a few weeks or longer, even if they got laughs. It’s open mic, the point is to experiment! When I worked the road, I stopped doing mics when I was back in town. Big mistake. I was afraid to try untested jokes in clubs on the road, and too lazy or complacent to take chances at open mics. I stunted my own growth. 

12- All agenda, no punchlines. I remember watching a well-known comic in NY struggle with Jesus jokes. He could NOT have been in a more welcoming arena for such, but he wasn’t funny, just angry. So he said, “Oh, I guess you guys don’t like religious jokes,” To which my friend replied, “We do! We keep waiting for one.” I think comedians can be the most insightful people on the planet, and the great ones don’t berate, they put funny first. It just makes sense! If you really really really want your message to be heard, then it’s in your best interest to make it funny. Funny cuts through. Or maybe you just wanna use the stage as a soapbox, in which case, quit comedy.

13- Not presenting both sides. I once told an established headliner he couldn’t return to the Velv, despite the numbers. In fairness to us, it was Valentine’s Day weekend, we were packed anyway. He never gave me a chance to explain why, but here’s why: he was too angry about women and wasn’t self-deprecating enough to balance it out. Conversely, I had a female comedian come through a couple of times, and the bulk of her act is male-bashing, BUT, it’s tight and well-crafted and funny as shit…AND she sprinkles in enough self-effacing humor so as not to divide the crowd. If the guy I banned was her parallel, I would’ve re-booked him. But I’m a freak about balance. While I don’t believe ANY person or group of people is above criticism, you can’t just point fingers at others while patting yourself on the back.

14 - Not putting more of ‘me’ in my act. Trends are fun as a reference, but full bits built around them have a tiny shelf life. It’s fluff and filler at best. Relationships will never be hacky. Aging will never get old. Folks! We all have specific quirks or approaches to life in general, why not explore those approaches? That’s when a ‘comic’ graduates to ‘comedian.’ When they stop saying funny things and start saying things funny. Not my line, but damn accurate.**

15- Knee-jerk hating and never asking WHY? Okay, this one’s a personal lament. When I found comedy, I found harmony. Anyone funny was welcome. I didn’t see us as men or women or gay or straight or black or white, we were comics, and I fucking loved it. We were equals from every walk of life, and no jerks allowed! I found a circle of curious, liberal-minded pals who were always asking why. Friends who would call out each other’s bullshit or hypocrisy or bad bits, then laugh about it at Mugshots. Friends who preferred brutal truth over blowing smoke. It was bliss for someone who values sincere feedback and funny, earnest people. Comedians we respect and adore are always challenging norms of behavior and tradition. Pryor, Chapelle, Carlin, Rock, of course, but even Larry David, who’s the king of offending people by rejecting small, societal niceties. 

I’m starting to see too much division and moral cowardice in comedy--on and off stage--and this is antithesis to its value, in my opinion. Everything I hated about high school. Cliques and whispers and spiteful exclusion. I will echo what I wrote earlier: NOBODY IS ABOVE CRITICISM. This is the salty to the sweet of “Everyone welcome.” Comedy is a LOT of failing, tons of real-time rejection, and that SUCKS. But if you think it has anything to do with anything but your act, you’re not asking Why. It’s easier to say, “Well, it’s clearly ‘cos I’m ________.” Really? Maybe it’s ‘cos you’re not funny, or not funny YET. Maybe it’s because you haven’t written a new joke in months, or refuse to change the ones that never work. Maybe you think there are no rules to comedy, and you can just get up there and people will love you because so-and-so does it that way. Maybe you don’t have so-and-so’s natural talent or likability. Or work ethic. Or self-awareness. If your first response is to blame a crowd, a booker, society, or whatever, ask yourself: are there successful comics who look like me? Why them and not me? What are they doing differently? My first guess is: they’re addicted to the craft so they keep their head down and write and tweak and fail and ask why and learn from mistakes. Stop complaining and start paying attention. At the end of the day, you and you alone are responsible for your career. If you believe women aren’t funny, I pity your ignorance and sheltered life. If you think men have it easier, tell that to the thousands of male comics who go nowhere in this business.

Maybe I’m an idealist hippy dippy doofus, but I believe that what we admire about others is pretty universal stuff. Regarding comedy, we all like someone who’s fearless on stage. Confident but not cocky. Capable. Quick. Genuine. Someone who keeps writing and honing their act. Someone who connects with people. Someone who comes back once a year with 30 new minutes. Someone who plows forward, not consumed with the opinions of others. Are these gender or race-specific qualities?? Hardly. And when you’re a top shelf, A-list comedian who’s paid their dues, it’s all preference at that level. It’s Gin vs. Vodka vs. Bourbon vs. Tequila, no one is “better” than the next. Maria Bamford is Bill Burr is Dave Chapelle is Carrot Top. They’re all pros who never stop working.

I’ll leave you with this…Comedy is a powerful and special thing, and I’ve always been crazy-grateful to be part of this tiny, uniquely rewarding world. Even if this experiment crumbles after a few months, even if I can’t vanquish some personal demons, it’s been a pursuit I’ve yet to regret. If you’re just starting out, or five years in, or going on the road, relish every minute. Meet all the people. Make all the friends. Get over your fears, get over yourself and get better. xoxo mario 

**This is how I first heard it. Comic/comedian or vice versa. You get it. Though I personally feel that “comedian” sounds more like an official title, while you can’t spell “comic” without “mic.” Just sayin’ is all.

[paw-patrol-kiddo]

2018 for my regressive side

Oh my gosh, we’re at the end of the year already! It went by sooooo fast!!! I’m a shook baby hee hee hee

Anyways, as some of y’all may remember, I did a post like this last year! Things have happened since then, things have changed-- and I wanna cover it all! I don’t think I’d call this the best year of my life (I say this because I’m not so sure about 2017 being the best year of my life anymore tbh), but it was still pretty dang good!!! Had its hard parts and such, bu otherwise, was a v good year!!!!

Y’all probs know the drill: I write mostly about my age regression adventures this year, with occasional bits of my Teenage Life(tm) sprinkled in here and there! I try to keep the latter to very important events, though (frankly, I think I have failed terribly at this, but do I care? At this point in my life, not really tbh), and mostly focus on regression when I can.

If you wanna do somethin like this for what this year held for your regressive side, feel free to!! I’d love if ya tagged me in it so I can read it!

Are we ready for the year review? I am and hope you are! It’s below the cut if ya wanna read it! Here we go!!!

January of course started off with my 16th birthday! It also marked five years (note: I miswrote this as either five or six in my first year review post! It’s actually been five, almost six years now) since I started liking diapies again, something that’s been a part of my life on-and-off since 2010 for sure, though I think I’ve liked them since at least 2008 according to my memories and the vibes I get from them!

“Chloe, why is this important?” You probably ask as you read that sentence.

Well, personally, I think it’s a huge part of what led me to begin age regressing! I started off liking diapies, then I started wondering about “being and acting like a baby/toddler again”, I started acting on some of the desires and urges I got as a result whenever I could, and well, it went on from there as we can see!

Towards the end of this month, I got some cool baby toys, more toddler snacks, and another pack of binkies! That was a pretty good-ish day from what I’m able to remember. c:

Oh yeah! I gots another rattle before then! She was one of the only good parts of a terrible day. I still love her so much.

This month, I also began seeing a friend irl again that I refer to here as friendo! We first met when we were 12, saw each other again twice when we were both 13, and then never met again... until back in 2017 at a Halloween event! For most of this year, we saw each other weekly, and I’m so happy to say that friendo is my best irl friend. He’s really an amazing guy. He doesn’t know it, but he’s helped me get through the rest of my depressive episode.

Yup, I said it. Remember when I said I thought the episode I had back in November last year was over and that I probably just cheated one and thus was irritable as a result? Hoo, buddy, I was so wrong... I was still depressed and had no idea and it blew up in my face. It was bad. I’m talking being hardly able to get my chores done, being able to get out of bed being a miraculous achievement, happiness being a rare feeling. 

It was so bad that my doctor told me if I kept having problems, we’d have to talk about “getting a mood stabilizer or anti-depressant on board”. 

Fortunately, it hasn’t reached that point, and things started getting gradually better when I finally admitted I was depressed and got help after things took a sharp turn for the worse briefly (my parents even let me take a few days off of my chores so I could focus on resting and recovery! They’re no strangers to depression themselves).

The only happy thing I can really note during this time involving regression is that I discovered one of the very few things that could make me feel happy that wasn’t involving my special interests: Wearing diapers. It’s kinda funny to me!  Depressed me was quick to figure out that was likely one of her best ways to cope. 

That event sucks because now whenever I start feeling sad for more than one day, well, as you can imagine I immediately begin worrying that it’s coming back for another round. Whenever I stop feeling as happy, I start observing myself more closely. The thought of it coming back actually scares me.

I know one thing for sure: If that beast comes back, I’m going to get myself medicated for it ASAP. I’d really rather not, but if it comes back, then I guess it’s safe to say that seeing as I’ve struggled with depression on-and-off since at least 2013, medication’s probably a good idea!

Man! How’s that for a ramble? Let’s move on and talk about February! My ex came back to me after he stopped talking to me in October. At first, I was so happy! I quickly began befriending him again, especially after I learned that his ex-girlfriend, whom he had just broke up with, was less-than-ideal towards him.

But then I discovered he wanted to get back with me and was actively trying to get me to. I was scared if I flat-out said “I do not want to get back with you. I want to just be friends”, he’d flip out in the bad way. Honestly, he probably would. So what did I do?

Did what I felt was best to do with the help of Mama.

Let’s just say we’re not friends anymore. :3c I still feel bad about it sometimes, but hey, I can write An Actual List of problems involving our relationship, romantic and otherwise, so I guess it’s valid to not be comfortable with being his friend anymore, especially since it’s clear he just wants me back with him, no matter how I feel. He still stares at me whenever we play baseball. It bothers me a lot. Hopefully, he’ll get over me soon.

On the more positive and regressive side of things, some cool things happened. Friendo also pretty much called me out about me being little a lot (even when I’m big!) and accepted it without realizing it. Some may say he didn’t, but I think he did and it means so much to me. Pretty sure I almost cried of joy when that happened. I think about it every now and then and love friendo a little more. He’s a keeper for sure when it comes to friends!

March was w i l d. First day into the month, I literally had one of my then-rare nonverbal episodes. I was worried that maybe I was beginning to become depressed again as I noticed I was beginning to feel more tired. As I know now, turns out it was just my autistic burnout kind of setting back in-- oh, and my anxiety beginning to reach the point where I couldn’t cope anymore. But I didn’t know this at the time.

I shrugged it off briefly-- until I had another episode while on voice-chat with friendo. And another one the next day while on a real life trip to a museum. And then another when Kim came to visit... The nonverbal episodes rapidly became a close-to-daily experience, sometimes totally daily. As I watched myself “regress” as my mom and aunt put it, I was confused and scared about what was happening to me. The confusion eased once I figured out it was burnout, but obviously the fear didn’t really.

I went off my ADHD medication I was taking at the time (Adderall) towards the end of the month. I still find it interesting that I couldn’t regress on it. I don’t quite know why! I just couldn’t.

I tried taking two other medications after, but they... didn’t quite work, at least in pleasant ways. I won’t go into detail on those!

Kiddo-wise, I got new window curtains for my room! They’re one of the first things I see every morning. It’s very nice~ One of the things that gives my room the kiddy vibe of it. Oh, and I got a Paw Patrol bowl this month, too! I love to eat Cheerios out of it~

Literally the last day of this month, guess what happened? Kim moved in! That was an awesome day~ It sucked seeing her cry, though (that part right there? A bit of a personal part that I suppose I won’t share since I’m not sure if she’d be okay with it or not)

April was a Nice Month! I finally started going to occupational therapy (I was originally going to start in May, but I got pushed forward a month) and I can say with confidence it’s helped me a lot in the time I got to go. My occupational therapist taught me a lil trick I can do before I actually try eating any foods I want to try and it’s made my life much easier. I can try all the kiddy foods I want now without feeling as anxious about it! :D Who would’ve known that I’d like peanut butter sandwiches and string cheese? I wouldn’t have! Also, the Wilbarger brush? A gift to mankind imo

What else happened this month? Let’s see here... I went on anxiety medication via suggestion of my therapist/psychologist (oh my gosh, life-changer right there friends, 10/10, I actually don’t know how I lived without it), watched my nonverbal episodes take a major decrease afterwards, and Mommy surprised me with a pack of diapies with tapes! I can definitely say I prefer diapies with tapes, but I’m not that picky. Actually, I kind of am. It depends on how old I’m regressing to. Then I’m kinda picky, heh heh

May tbh? A pretty quiet month. All I can note is that summer break started for Kai and I and we both got to actually take a full summer break without the usual math-work we have to do! (I’m dyscalculic and prone to what my mom and I call “math skill regression”, so that’s why I have to practice. Idk about Kai, but I think it’s because she seems to have some difficulties with math herself)

The day I was told about our Complete Summer Break(tm), man, I flipped! I told myself I would make this summer the littlest one ever! Did I succeed? Sadly, no. But hey, there’s always next summer! And the next one if that doesn’t work out...

June was super-duper cool! I got a new bed to replace my queen-sized one and I managed to get a complete Paw Patrol bed set for it! I love my bed so much~ It’s so cute and Literally Perfect, especially when we consider the fact that I also have a weighted blanket with Elsa and Anna from Frozen on it! (I’ve actually had it for about two years now, but it’s not shown in the photo-set in the link!) Oh, and let’s not forget the Pillow Pet I’ve used as my main pillow since I first received it back in 2010! (That’s not in the photo-set either!)

The day after I got my new bed? Baseball ended for the summer. I knew what to do the first Saturday of no baseball. Funny enough, as if she read my mind, Mama surprised me with some Paw Patrol bandages that day! They always cheer me up whenever I get a boo-boo :3c

Towards the end of this month, I celebrated this blog’s one year anniversary! I am seriously so glad I made this blog. If I hadn’t, I can’t imagine what my life would be like, where I’d still be hiding this from A LOT of people, where I likely wouldn’t have met and become friends with quite a bit of y’all, where I wouldn’t have become more comfortable with myself. I’m sure I’d be very unhappy and feeling so trapped and lonely involving this. Otherwise... I simply can’t imagine what my life would be like otherwise.

As if I observed this day without thinking, I went to the Dollar Store pretty much next to Easter Seals (where I went for occupational therapy) place and had quite the shopping trip! That was fun~

July was a pretty nice month, I suppose! Early this month marked one year since I first wore a diaper for the first time since my first childhood! I just had to observe it in a specific way (aka wearing a diaper), only the day before the actual anniversary itself. Funny enough, Kim’s cat ended up coming to live with us that day! Her name is Rogue and she's really cute! She can be really mean sometimes, though. She ended up having kittens later this month~

Another regression-related thing that happened was that while we were on vacation, I got some cool toys! I got a train with lil block things on it, three stacking cars, a pink spiky ball, and two teddy rattles! I... still need to post pictures of those, apparently. I also got a dinoroar plushie that I named Jackson! He’s one of my favorite plushies and I love him a lot. I should post a piccy of him on here sometime!

Something else that happened on vacation was that I went nonverbal the second day of being there. Everyone, including me, was chill since it was normal by then. I went to bed that night and woke up the next morning, only to find I was still nonverbal. Talk about quite a shock for everyone! (I normally stop being nonverbal once I sleep, so this was really weird for me)

I ended up spending the rest of the vacation nonverbal, which I was pretty chill with, save for some problems communicating in a hot-tub without my tablet (Kim had a hard time keeping up with what I signed). 

The day after we got home, back came my verbal skills. Five days later? If I’ve got my memory of what day correct, I heard Dad coming home from where he volunteers occasionally and suddenly got the paralyzing feeling in my throat I usually get just before I go nonverbal. In around ten minutes, I was nonverbal, but for seemingly no reason. 

Save for two or so brief breakthroughs, I spent quite a while without mouth-words. My family and therapist and I have figured out what the cause is likely since then. (It’s quite long... I actually had the explanation here, but removed it cause it was Way Too Long. If anyone’s curious, I’m okay with talking about it if anyone wants to message me n ask about it~)

August isn’t very exciting! 

Non-kiddo wise, I got my IPad to use as an AAC device! I use Proloquo2go on it if anyone’s curious. I honestly love it a lot.

Kiddo-wise, the only thing I can really note is that I... kinda started sucking my thumb again. Oops :3c Kim’s made me mostly stop though, by kind of using consequences for me if I didn’t stop and get my chew necklace I like to suck on (One big example I can think of: “Go get your necklace or we won’t cuddle anymore.”). She even had Kai take over redirecting me when she left for Texas the next month! It’s not fun, but I guess I don’t need to risk making my already severe overbite worse.

September didn’t have a lot either! The only thing I can think of noting is that I tried some Paw Patrol mac n cheese. Either the two or so brands I’ve tried weren’t that good or I just don’t like mac n cheese! Who knows? I’m probably gonna try Kidfresh’s mac n cheese if I can actually find it irl and if I don’t like it, I think we can safely conclude that I just don’t like mac n cheese.

October was a v nice month as semi-usual the past couple years! I finally got some Kidfresh food to try out. I like their super-blastin’ triple cheese pizza bites a lot! I don’t like their chicken meatballs, though. I have quite a bit of foods I wanna try from Kidfresh next and I can’t quite decide which, but I’ll probably try their cheese pizza or chicken nuggets or maybe their fish sticks next!

I also went trick-or-treating for Halloween! it was super fun, except when Kai got upset about being treated Not So Great by others (Example: People loved to give kiddos multiple pieces of candy and just give her one piece when her turn came, despite having lots of candy for everyone... Can confirm this myself) and when I used my IPad to say trick-or-treat for the first time there, I was greeted by the lady turning away from me, apparently no longer paying attention to me, and beginning to go on about “kids playing on their phones and tablets”... How’s that for hurtful? Last time I checked, Halloween was for everyone, no matter how they say trick-or-treat.

In case anyone’s wondering, I’m going trick-or-treating again next year and have no plans to stop ever cause I’m stubborn. :3c I’m just going to find a place that will be cool with people “too old to be trick-or-treating” trick-or-treating to take my trick-or-treating business-- and hey, maybe I won’t have to encounter any ableism there!

November has nothing I can note besides me getting a new pair of overalls! This was not only useful seeing as I might be getting close to outgrowing my first pair I got a few years back, but also welcome! It’s nice having overalls that are blue instead of some green country print thing all over.

December was... an adventure! I slowly began regaining my mouth words, which means that I can babble again (A lot of the sounds I make while babbling are apparently inaccessible to me when I’m nonverbal as I’ve discovered)! It’s nice being able to babble to myself again when I’m very small instead of just staying silent and occasionally giggling, squealing, and perhaps vocal stimming in the way I’m able to when I’m nonverbal.

At Walmart, while shopping for some fellow kiddo friends (y’all know who y’all are, hee hee hee~), I ended up picking up some small stuff for myself! I got another Paw Patrol plate, a set of bath toys, and a doggie and piggy rattle! I’ve posted a piccy of the plate already, but not everything else! Guess that’s some of the stuff I need to do for next year~

Christmas was great! I got lots of toys! I also got quite a bit of Paw Patrol merch! I love my new toys so much. I’m especially glad that I finally have more blocks to play with, and another Mr. Potato Head I can make super great creations with, like monsters n aliens disguised as a repairman!

Oh! I also got a Fisher-Price record player toy after wanting it for so long! I love it soooo much!! Whenever I play with it, I get so flappy n clappy n wiggly n vocal stimmy... I just have so much love for it! It’s definitely one of my favorite toys to play with right now.

I also got a 3D model of the solar system that I’m gonna build n hang up in my room sometime soon! I actually had a 3D model of the solar system in one of my kiddo room fantasies for the longest time omg. Oooh, if I can find a way to get rid of the popcorn ceiling (never put glow-in-the-dark stuff on a popcorn ceiling), I bet it would go so good with another glow-in-the-dark star set that also includes a big 3D moon and 6 meteorite stones! Y’all, my room just gets cuter and more kiddie-like as time goes on...

As we can all see, I’ve had quite the year! It’s had its good and bad parts of course, and I’d say overall, it was a pretty good year! Hmm, you know what? I should list some people who have played a role in making this year Great!

Mommy - Mama, I can’t even begin to express how thankful I am for all you’ve done for me. The past year you’ve taken me to therapy appointments, held me and bottlefed me, and helped me finally get occupational therapy after wanting to go for 3 years. You’re such a beautiful person, inside and out. You love me for who I am, and I love you for who you are right back <3

Daddy - I didn’t list you last year, but to be honest, I think I should this year! You’re trying your best and I can appreciate that. From taking me to therapy appointments, to being okay with me using bottles and sippy cups, to getting me that Paw Patrol nightlight back in May if I’m correct, you’ve done a lot for me. You’re a good dad. I need to tell you that more often. I love you Daddy.

Kai - You’re such a good sister I can’t even begin-- You’re just? so accepting of me??? and you’re such a good person???? I’m love you????? Seriously, thank you for being there for me pretty much all our lives and taking care of me whenever I needed it, especially early this year during my depressive episode. Love ya sis <3

Kim - I, umm... I love you!! You’re so sweet, gentle, and you’re so accepting of my age regression (or as you call it, “identifying as a 7-year-old”). I had lots of fun browsing the toy aisle with you that one time! I’ve miss you lots since you decided to stay in Texas back in October, but hey, at least you’ll visit us sometimes! And you’ve got a nice man I actually like to live your life with. Love ya sissy <3

Ray - You’re super cool and adorable~ (Random fun fact: I tend to think of you whenever I read- or hear- the word “Ray”) Also, I still love that mood board ya made me back in 2017. I’m never gonna get over it! Hope you’re doing alright, buddy <3

Cass - It’s been even longer since we talked! You haven’t been on Tumblr in a while it seems, actually. I hope you’re doing okay and that you’re just busy (in a good way, preferably) and that’s why you haven’t been online! You’re so cute and sweet. Whenever I can, you know what I’m gonna do? Take a picture of my bumblebee plushie and send it to you, just for you <3

Leah - Oh goodness, you’re someone else who I haven’t talked to in a while, as well as who seems to not have been as active as of late. I hope you’re doing okay! I can’t thank you enough for the times you checked on me when I wasn’t okay. You are... so sweet I literally can’t

Meena - You are literally... so cute! You’re super sweet, too! I always have lots n lots of fun whenever we video-chat n talk together! You n Iku are actually the first people whom I met on Tumblr I’ve gotten to video-chat with! Also, your cats are so pure n good I can’t. Please pet them for me if you can! (I love both you and Iku so much)

All my followers - Whether or not we’ve talked before, I love and appreciate all of my followers! According to my Totally Professional Research(tm), I have discovered a link between my followers and cuteness! I have lots of love for each and every one of y’all. Thanks for following me~

2018 has proven to be quite the adventure full of different discoveries, like that I’m very good at horse-riding, that I can spend at least an hour playing with my rattles and other baby toys if I want to, that I apparently have IBS... It’s been quite the ride!

This year has also proven to be the year of growth for me. I’m beginning to stand up for myself and my needs more often, I’ve become more proud of who I am, and each day that passes, I love myself more and continue to become less afraid to be who I truly am.

I can’t wait to see what next year will bring, and what kind of person I’ll become as time goes on. I’m sure my evolution of who I am as a person isn’t quite finished yet. Whatever I become, it’s bound to be wonderful. And most importantly, I get to enter next year with each and every one of y’all.

From my plushies, plush rattles, and I, happy, happy new year! May you learn to love yourself if you haven’t quite yet, your babas/sippies/kiddo cups always remain full of your favorite kiddo drink, and you always have lots of your favorite kiddy/baby things, whether it’s toys, diapies, binkies, or baby food n toddler snacks! 

As always, remember to stay little/tiny/small.

[fernsehn]

It took me about 6 months to make it through the first 2-3 eps of FOR ALL MANKIND. Now I'm on episode 7 of season 1 and once again this show is dra g ggggg gg gg in nnnn g its ass. Don't get me wrong. I kinda love-like the show and I wanna see where it goes and heard that it's really taking off (:/) in season 2. I would've stopped watching if I really didn't like it. But still, I'm really uncertain about what it is that I don't like. Or ...is it me? Is it my attention span? My burnout-ish state of mind? Or is the writing indeed kinda mediocre? And are some directing choices not really doing it? Like ...the close ups of the humans on the moon. It always feels super flat. And maybe that's intended. Because even if you're on the moon you're just your boring ol' former self or whatever. Also: that "Hi Bob" bottle-ish episode is ...I don't know. It was ok? But I felt like you could've done so much more with it. Generally I just feel like something's missing in the dialogue. And maybe what's also irking me is that the plot dictates the characters' decisions etc not the other way around ...and that you can kinda feel that in interactions that feel rather stale and a little boring. Or I'm just feeling bad watching people (Ed Baldwin's family) being buried in bad habits of the first few decades of the 20th Century. I dunno. After every episode I'm like ...please let the second season start soon. Haha.

[sp4c3-0ddity]

tagged by @hailkuvira and @amillionsmiles. thanks!! <3

tagging uhhhh who have i somewhat interacted with that writes and hasn’t been tagged already uh @magical-merlance, @cosmicdusttrails, @tiredgaykeith, @rueitae, @elby9001, @ anyone else that wrote fic this year and wants to take a stab at it??

STATS:

Fics posted:  they’re all...VLD

Tumblr exclusives:  my fic tag for your viewing pleasure. but here’s a list of everything (i think) that i didn’t also post on ao3 (with the exception of a few that will be posted probably within the next week):

Misnomer, a crack fic

a euphoric plance kiss that i just wrote on a text post i reblogged

a Cupid AU plance ficlet i also wrote based on a text post

ficlet about Acxa, Ezor, and Zethrid after Lotor escapes them

Pidge getting Love Advice from Lance, also an addition to someone else’s text post

How I think Hunk learned Pidge is a girl, with a teeny tiny bit of plance because it’s a section of a plance fic i meant to finish that i’ve since lost this is why you save/back up your work often

Outtakes from ‘Howl at the Moon’

A The Wizard of Oz AU (honestly bless the anon that prompted this)

A shallura hurt/comfort prompt fill

Whatever the hell this is, all i know is that it’s gen but still involves kissing and is kinda a crack fic

FF.Net:  N/A

Archive of Our Own:  i’ll just go with oldest first like i did in the last section

Give a Little (5859 words), fake dating, my first posted plance fic

Ship to Wreck (3544 words), gen (despite the title hehe), sailor/age of (western) exploration-type Pidge-centric AU

Spectrum (9562 words), gen, a Wheel of Time/fantasy AU

Winging It (2187 words), gen, fun canon-verse fic where they race paper airplanes

A Slip of the Thumb (18697 words), plance, wrong number/text modern AU

Break a Leg and Other Cliches (29293 words), plance, modern ballroom dance competition AU

Incompatible Schedules (1025 words), plance, canon-verse fluff

All’s Fair in Love and Gaming (653 words), plance, canon-verse fluff

Be Gentle (4881 words), plance, canon-verse body swap AU

If Wishes Were Fishes (1167 words), plance, canon-verse vaguely bittersweet beach fic

Lightning Round (3003 words), plance, canon-verse battle couple in training fic

Build on Shaky Ground (3337 words), gen/plance (platonic), kinda angsty Garrison era

Unknowable (562 words), plance, canon-verse philosophical fluff

Wisdom of Hindsight (1344 words), plance, canon-verse angst

Caught (2727 words), plance, canon-verse lovebug AU

In Time (724 words), pallura, canon-verse hurt/comfort

The Art of Seduction (2075 words), plance, canon-verse fluff

Falling’s Not the Problem (26179 words), plance, future canon angst with a happy ending sorta thing

Smuggle Your Heart (21931 words), plance, Star Wars-ish AU

Pocket of Space (6203 words), kallura, a Vorkosigan Saga-ish AU that’s kinda...languishing at the moment

Howl at the Moon (10271 words), plance, future canon undercover fake marriage thing

Failure to Launch (1740 words), gen, Sam & Coran hurt/comfort and feels in general

Specter (18325 words), plance, future canon AU, and, um, major character death fic

What Not to Do in Chemistry Lab (2458 words), gen, modern/college AU with my chemist Hunk headcanons

Search and Rescue (1684 words), gen, pre-canon baby Holts fluff

Shopping for Disaster (6108 words), gen, canon-verse Allura & Pidge bonding-gone-wrong fic

Ink on a Page (8807 words*), gen, Pidge-centric Inkheart AU

In the Making (8184 words), plance, canon-verse/future canon ~over the years~ kinda thing

Strangeness and Charm (73407 words*), plance, a collection of prompts cross-posted from tumblr so they’re really a bunch of individual fics but i’ll count them as one for now

*word count not entirely accurate because subsequent chapters are complete but not posted

Total number:  39 (counting S&C as one fic) Total word count:  288,132 part of me wishes i was making this up

Ship/Character breakdown: Ship breakdown:  plance, undoubtedly, wins; gen stuff takes second place. then there’s the odd shallura/kallura/pallura stuff (i like all Allura ships so) Character breakdown:  hmm. Pidge and Lance dominate, obviously. Pidge also tends to dominate by gen stuff, with Allura possibly coming in second. Poor Shiro and Keith (though i still love them) kinda......lose

Characters that had the main focus: Pidge in much of my plance and gen stuff, Lance in much of my plance stuff, Allura in a decent amount of my gen stuff as well as in that languishing kallura fic

Specifics:

Best/worst title? Best title:  None really jump out at me, but I think‘Build on Shaky Ground’. Also before i suffer some serious post-posting (hehe) embarrassment, I’ve titled this brand-spanking new fic ‘The Start of Something New?’ (the question mark is compulsory) and i’m way too proud of myself for that reference to HSM at the moment. Honorable mention to ‘Search and Rescue’ for sounding more serious than the fic’s plot actually is

Worst title:  I’m actually displeased with most, but only ‘Smuggle Your Heart’ makes me cringe every time I see it

Best/worst first line? Best:  not sure but as i look now the first line from this fic gave me a good laugh:

Lance thought that after two years in space fighting furry purple aliens while flying a sentient robot lion that merged with four other sentient robot lions to form one large robot man nothing could possible surprise him.

Worst:  if i actually took the time to look through all my fics, i’d probably find so many awful first lines, but i’m too lazy so this one is a weak first line from my one and only shallura fic:

Shiro had never seen Matt and Pidge happier.

Best/worst last line? Best:  uh to be honest i think they’re all kinda bad but here are a couple funny ones (from this and this) that don’t require much work on my part sorry i’m lazy:

Lance watched him go for a tic, shrugged, and went off in search of someone else to bother, preferably someone he would not mind kissing.

“It was strange enough that I actually don’t want to forget, so listen closely, because I won’t tell it twice.”

Worst:  point at any one of my fics. i’m never happy with the Last Line. but here from Shopping for Disaster (it makes sense in context):

He still wrote the ticket.

General questions:

Looking back, did you write more fics than you thought you would this year, less than you thought, or about what you predicted?

I wrote...way more

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year?

definitely VLD in general, because i was still...hesitant to get into it?? i didn’t watch it till spring of this year 2017 a few months after season 2 came out, i think What’s your favorite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest.

There’s this one (named ‘Siren Song’) that has yet to be posted into my collection on ao3 and it’s a concept i very much want to expand into a fully fledged long fic. and, to be honest, i thought it would get more notes than it did

Okay, NOW your most popular story.

By tumblr notes, this one ('A Sticky Situation’ on ao3) takes the cake with 168 notes

By kudos/bookmarks/comments on ao3, that would be A Slip of the Thumb with 225 kudos and 31 bookmarks

Story most underappreciated by the universe?

Me, constantly:  I write gen fic too guys (in all seriousness, my Inkheart AU is going to be great)

Story that could have been better?

Can i say all of them?? No?? Okay, taking recent fic into account (because i do think i’ve improved overall even in the last few months), i wish i’d spent more time and put more effort into ‘Shopping for Disaster’, especially with making the action scenes more plausible, making the Druid scarier (because i want to get better at writing horror, believe it or not), etc. Pro tip though:  don’t write while you have a headache

And actually now that i think of it, I would scrap all of ‘Wisdom of Hindsight’ because it’s awful and uses a trope i really hate

Sexiest story?

sex?? in my fanfic??

but anyway!! hmm...’The Art of Seduction’ probably had the most graphic (except also not really) makeout scene. ‘Propriety’ (part of the collection) was almost definitely the most suggestive. ‘Howl at the Moon’ had the double whammy of a fakeout makeout and a fake marriage along with the kiss at the very end of the fic. so i dunno, i guess it’s in the eye of the beholder??

as far as vibe is concerned though, i actually think ‘Smuggle Your Heart’ is kinda...sexy?? *shrugs* Saddest story?

‘Specter’ without a doubt. *cue evil laughter* Most fun?

‘Smuggle Your Heart’ was actually wildly fun to write. i was really into action scenes at the time

Story with single sweetest moment?

not sure, but in my humble opinion it would the majority of ‘Burnout’ (also from the collection), particularly this sizeable bit:

Pidge would never admit it to anyone - except to Lance himself, maybe - but she liked it when he clung to her like this, or when she latched herself onto him. There was just something soothing about having another human body pressed against hers, a balm for the mind and a relaxant for the muscles.

Some of the tension trickled out of her as she leaned back into Lance, and his arms tightened around her, sensing her need.

“Guess what?” Lance said, voice soft and close to her ear.

“…did Coran get his hand stuck in something weird again?”

Lance rubbed his nose - scratching, probably - against the side of her head, then chuckled, the vibration reverberating from his chest into her back. “No,” he said. “Try again.”

“Hunk figured out a way to imitate peanut butter?”

“All right, you get one more guess before I tell you.”

Pidge rolled her eyes but said, “Did you finally find out how to swim in the upside down pool?”

“Oh, ha ha, very funny, Pidge,” Lance grumbled.

For some reason, that made her giggle, if only because the image of Lance’s last pitiful attempt to swim laps in the Castle’s pool cheered her.

“So…what?” Pidge said, turning her head slightly so that Lance could see her frown. Of course he would dangle a mystery in front of her without giving her a chance to solve it…

“I love you,” he said, pressing a doting kiss to her forehead.

Pidge’s face flushed, pleased and embarrassed all at the same time, her worries dissolving as easily as sugar in hot tea. “So?” she said, trying to show him how unaffected she was. “I love you too, so it’s not that special.”

“But you are, Pidge,” Lance said. He buried his face in her hair. “You’re special, and smart, and confident, and we wouldn’t be able to function without you. And anytime you’re faced with a challenge, it bows down to you, its queen - wait, no, it’s empress.”

Pidge laughed and rubbed her face. “Oh my God, Lance,” she said. “That’s the cheesiest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“But it’s true,” Lance insisted. “And I know for a fact you love being praised.”

“Well…”

Lance let go of her and moved away, and Pidge missed him instantly…at least until he knelt on the floor next to her, putting him at below eye level in relation to her. He cupped her face, gently, and made sure she met his eyes. “You’re amazing, Pidge, and when you crack this code, we’ll all sing your praises.”

Pidge rested her forehead against his, reaching behind him to bury her hands in his hair. “But especially you, right?”

He smirked. “I’ll be the loudest one.”

Lance then kissed her, so softly it wasn’t much more than a warm brush of lips, and he pulled back before her eyes even closed. “Also,” he added, with a slow, sly smile, “it wouldn’t hurt to take a break, right?”

Hardest story to write?

This borderline crack fic that had a shippy premise but the prompter challenged me to write gen for it. i succeeded (i think), but was it worth it?? probably

Easiest/most fun story to write?

They’re all fun to a certain degree, but this The Wizard of Oz AU was great fun once I hit my stride. also honorable mention to ‘Smuggle Your Heart’, of which i wrote about 17k words in one day in a hyperfocusing haze (i didn’t sleep till 3 AM that day and i would’ve skipped dinner if my parents hadn’t reminded me).

(i haven’t had a day so productive yet inefficient since)

Did any stories shift your perceptions of the characters?

I actually....disliked Lance until i started shipping plance, and then my love for him only grew the more i wrote him lol. even season 1 Lance can be fun to write now, if only because he’s so ridiculous

Most overdue story?

hmm, perhaps something like ‘Failure to Launch’ because there’s a lot to explore in the adultier adults important to Team Voltron, particularly what Sam - the dad - might feel about his pretty young children getting sucked into a fight like this. but *shrugs*

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

not really?? i...kinda played it safe?? perhaps ‘Ink on a Page’ is my riskiest venture to date because it’s a long fic and i have a poor track record with long fic that i start posting before finishing. hopefully i’m learning discipline and like actually finishing things

also i think ‘Specter’ was pretty risky, as would be writing anything i really have very little experience in feeling, plus people tend to feel very strongly about major character deaths and i was unsure how people (particularly people i interact with) would receive it. and i guess i learned that it’s okay to take risks?? i was pleased with the way the fic turned out (even if it broke my heart to write it), and it was sorta begging me to be written (you know that itch you get when a story wants out??). and ultimately i’m writing for myself...but it’s still nice when other people like your writing too

What are your fic writing goals for next year?

Finish ‘Ink on a Page’

Finish and post my definitely unconventional The Holiday AU that’s currently languishing as a Word doc of about 20k words

Write something amazing for the plance zine

Expand/write my sailor AU (of which ‘Siren Song’ is the prelude)

Write a slow burn plance fic (to be fair, The Holiday AU and the sailor AU are looking to be slow burn, of sorts)

Maybe...not write so much by the seat of my pants, be less impulsive and more thoughtful, outline more but remain flexible, be more efficient so i don’t burnout, push myself to write even when i’m not feeling ‘inspired’

Not compare myself to other writers (sad but true)

write for a different fandom/pairing?? who even knows at this point

[lazcht]

Contemplations

...of aging, and the year of 2017

Hey, it’s been such a long time I haven’t write a long (and personal) blog so pardon my (even more) rusty writing skill--phrasings and poor vocabulary. 

Well. I’ve been thinking to share some of my thoughts to the internet concerning...age. 

26th of September is my birthday. Actually this is the last year I’ll be in 20s, haha. Lately (at least among my friends) it’s so familiar to hear “It feels like I was graduating school yesterday damn it.”

Is birthday really matter?

Nah it’s just a calendar--day, week, month, year, time system made by humans as a system to measure how long we’ve been here, on earth. I don’t feel really connect with the concept to celebrate anniversaries exactly by “time”. It works more as reminders, a trigger to notice myself to contemplate, evaluate, and plan. 

Should I be happy? Hmm. Celebration, eating fancy, wonderful wishes, surprises, gifts, are bonus. I might be taking them for granted actually, (I feel bad for that) but I kinda feel it’s not a necessary thing to have on a birthday. Though my birthdays have been so great since I was little, so in my mind, a birthday is always been a good and fun association. 

Except, when I was reaching 20... my anxiety about stuff arose, maybe this time is the same. I’m about to hit 3rd checkmark of 10 years of milestone. So it’s a lie if I say, that aging doesn’t matters at all.

I feel so grateful that I’m always surrounded with kind people who care about things I love, my well-being, or my future, or simply all people that accept my presence on their lives. So thank you for all wishes and gifts... Though I can’t promise anything in return.

Suddenly I remembered...

My mood was not really good lately. I’m thinking about lot of stuff. Frustrated, anxious, worried(?), and a little bit pessimistic. Why, I wonder?

I’ve been thinking, what’s the difference, and how I’ve been changing from 10 years ago; the teen me, to I am now. So here are my personal conflicts.

1. First of all, the easiest thing to notice, is my physical body. 

Back then, recovery was fast, good stamina, and a body that didn’t go sick although I didn’t put so much attention in it. I could ate stuff sloppily, hygiene doesn’t stop me from doing what I want, sleep deprivation didn’t matter as much, pollution didn’t really affect my respiratory system, bad posture didn’t get me strains or sores, lack of exercising also less punishing. Waking up motivated and energized.

Now... well, I’ve been trying to wake up not feeling bad, and go to sleep with a good posture so I don’t feel like shit the next day. 

Allergies such as dust, smoke, (my own) sweat, water (on my scalp) are easily triggered these days. I dunno if the environment here getting so much worse (well, it’s a capital city of Indonesia, Jakarta), or just my body can’t cope up with my old lifestyle.

After I get the feeling of living in a weak dying body previous years, being unproductive, unmotivated and low at energy, mood-swing, stressed and getting the feeling of “decaying”, having atrophic and useless muscles; I figured it was because I lack of self-care. I feel that can’t ignore this shit anymore, before it’s getting far too late.

2. Mindset & interests.

The more I think, I noticed maybe the biggest difference between me 10-20 years ago with me right now, is the optimism level LMAO.

In junior high school days, to 20+ ish, I kinda have faith that someday (perhaps in 5-10 years) I might be able to become famous, or having decent money flow. I felt that I was a genius compared to people my age, haha well I had a narrow social circle. As I grow older, things become difficult (actually prolly I was just underestimated lot of stuff back then?). Having more knowledge makes me think that I know nothing about this world, this industry I work in, about what’s work and what’s not, about this life.

I used to have strong feel of justice or moral compass that’s quite firm. I could really simply say that doing A is plainly wrong and doing B is absolutely right. As I grow older, learning so much stuff (from experience, or fiction stories I consume), knowing so much people with their insight from cultural, religion aspect, things are not as simple. I faced lot of turning point couple of years lately.

I used to have interest in drawings, my capability to draw something, but not about reading, or listening about things that inspire. My dream was to become an animator or comic artist, later on I was only interested in the drawing process, the result, but not the story. Maybe that’s why I’m comfortable in joining other’s project rather than doing my own.

I consumed things that only makes me able to create what people told me to, but not “nutrients” for my ability to conceptualize and inspire, to deliver message. In 7++ years of my career, I deliver nothing, just work, ego "masturbating”, fun and money. Not so long ago, I noticed I that I should change my direction. That I had to make impact, or at least, a lasting impression, stuff that people could think about. 

I focus less in technique, and think more about purpose, idea, vision. Things that only I, can deliver it (still looking). Things that are more personal and close to my identity.

3. Family condition.

Not only me that gets older. Parents, partner, sibling and other relatives are also getting old. Not to mention the economy and how industry, business trends flows by. 

Economically, my family is currently going downwards. Parent’s not as healthy as they were 5~10 years ago. Good thing they’re still lively, active, able-bodied to still go traveling actually. They simply can’t work continuously, hence eventually, incomes are scarcer. Bills getting higher each year, or even months. They don’t demand retirement (thanks to them), but I feel they’re thinking we (their children) are not ready to take full responsibility of paying all of household needs. But luckily enough, our family didn’t have any debt. Yet I could use steady income to cover us, as soon as possible.

Psychologically, parents are more into games now (I’m so glad lol), and they’re still quite sharp to pick out hoaxes though there are lot of random Whatsapp videos or articles they share with the old folks. Overall, still good but long term-wise, I’m quite pessimistic.

4. Spiritual side, ego, myself.

It’s getting harder to reach a clear mind nowadays, just a moment to meditate and let my mind sit calmly, silently. I guess I’m now getting even more drowned into the “Lazcht” ego. I feel the need to work hard, but only to serve the “me”. How about afterlife thoughts, awareness, mindfulness? I know I need more mind exercise, but there we are, too busy being involved into mundane stuff haha.

Love life, it’s hard to describe but now I feel like I can control better of my own possessiveness, to think that love is about giving, having a big heart, and letting go. Breakup? Nope, but as a formerly monogamous person, I’m currently having a polyamorous partner. We had been seeing the differences as our biggest obstacle on continuing the relationship, and I was trying to make myself adapt and change to compromise, but now, we decided to see and experience love with our own “style”. It works for now, tho, we don’t know for how long. :’)

Insecurity changed and taught me a lot of life lesson. Back then I’d never care much about my body image, upgrading wardrobe and so on. Lately I also feeling anxious again about my gender issue. The urge to transition (I’m a trans FYI) is getting stronger, but meh... I’m broke, so not now. :(

What do i do then?

1. Physical aspect: workout, regular outing, drink more water, body-awareness, and keeping good habit. 

Latest one is hardest, because of my zero-discipline. For people who has similar issue with mine, easiest way I find is to bathe regularly, at least once a day would make my day better. Maintaining room’s sanitary is also excellent method to wake up feeling great. Recently I bought an air purifier, vacuum regularly, and it worked nicely.

I once find using a scheduler app with fixed wake up time, eating, working, etc makes me feel better and content, then again it’s hard to keep it on long-term. 

2. Nutrients for brain: watch or read more interesting and recommended stuff, explore, make new friends or be in a new circle. 

I also feel that it’s necessary to learn languages, especially Japanese, I feel like someday I’ll really make use of them.

Probably planting is also a way to refresh mind and soul. I really hope to learn on cultivating vegetables, or just herbs if it’s easier haha.

3. Economy and family matter: can’t do much for this actually, except doing my best on my work and keeping healthy relationships. 

I really hope I can make them go travel somewhere else beautiful, since their mindset always like “we wouldn’t afford that much.” or “it’s not worth it.” well, perhaps they’re not into it but I just don’t want they can’t afford to spend money on something they love.

Hopefully I can find a good way to improve my economy without too much sacrificing important things.

4. Myself as me: I... just hope to improve, or perhaps become slightly more famous as an artist or gamedev person lol. Most of all, I just want to love myself more, and be content with my own self. Also hopefully I’ll become more useful to others, on anything. I wish I can optimize myself because... too much burnout (physical or social). If anyone notice that sometimes I don’t appear anywhere or rarely seen, that’s not necessarily that I hate being with you guys, mostly it’s because I need my space and time.

Ideally, I want to go to more convention events, overseas, selling my own stuff (or with circle), get in touch with amazing people. Or simply maintain good relations with people around me (not just physically ofc) right now. You guys are good friends. 

Okay that’s enough, I think I can count this as my prayer because I don’t usually “pray”. Forgive me for my wrongdoing (or let me know?) and thanks for being here with me. May universe get along well with everyone and hear our wishes! :)

~Lazcht, 29 Y.O.

[neoraven]

Movie Reviews from February and March

I did not watch that many, and I had words to write about even fewer. But here are all the movie reviews I typed into Letterboxd dot com over the last couple months. 

Midnight Run 1988 ★★★★★   31 Mar, 2017 One of my favorites.

Jaws: The Revenge 1987 ★   25 Mar, 2017 would rather be locked in attic than watch this again

Mission to Mars 2000 ★★★½   23 Mar, 2017 De Palma has a blast playing Kubrick and cobbling together the best parts of The Abyss, Apollo 13, and 2001.

MST3K Hercules against the Moon Men ★★★   21 Mar, 2017 Not sure to rate the riff or the movie. But it was a very decent riff.

Vampires 1998 ★½   20 Mar, 2017 Very occasionally dug up some grindhouse flair, but generally dull.

Office Christmas Party 2016 ★★   12 Mar, 2017 There are like 15+ very funny people in this movie all giving their C- effort, not that anything in the boring script deserves better. Wasn't The Interview Randall Park's breakout? It hurts on a few levels to see him as a one note mommy fetish accountant here.

This Is Spinal Tap 1984 ★★★★★   08 Mar, 2017 Have a good time all the time. That's my philosophy, Marty.

Prom Night 2008 ★½   04 Mar, 2017 Pays homage to the original not with any plot similarity, nor energetic soundtrack, nor inspired lead performance, BUT with a total lack of effort in every part of the movie. Let the PG 13 rating fool you, this prom is totally sanitized and chaparone friendly, and the after party is even worse.

Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny 2006 ★★★   03 Mar, 2017 A lot of stupid fun.

The Presidio 1988 ★★½   28 Feb, 2017 Kind of a weird 80s buddy cop riff with some military stuff thrown in. Mark Harmon is such a weird "movie star". Peter Hyams turns in one of his less-entertaining hacky action movies. Ah, to yearn for Timecop.

The Dead Zone 1983 ★★★½   24 Feb, 2017 The ICE.....is gonna BREAK!

The USA show was underrated too.

Pineapple Express 2008 ★★★★   22 Feb, 2017 Shnicklefritz

Step Brothers 2008 ★★★★   21 Feb, 2017 dale, got, hulk, hands,

Galaxy Quest 1999 ★★★★½   20 Feb, 2017 Pitch Perfect.

hashtag review a movie with another movie

Cobra 1986 ★★   18 Feb, 2017 I'm certain 45 has jerked it to this movie.

Kill the Irishman 2011 ★½   18 Feb, 2017 This is such a bizarre pastiche of better movies. The music is all much shittier, much like the characters and action and writing and everything. It just straight up gets nothing right, or even close. It being set in Cleveland is some kinda metaphor. Scarface bombings. Low rent montage. These bombs are really cheap-looking, I'd rather see Blown Away or Godfather or even Casino. Pf. Goodfellas, I wrote that too soon before Paul Sorvino himself graced the screen.

Ted 2 2015 ½   18 Feb, 2017 I don't usually log partials. But just in the dim hope I stop myself next time I think this is worth the time. I lasted through three instances of the teddy bear reacting to male homosexual physical affection with revulsion. Then the musical number and live action-ish remake of the Family Guy opening credits started and I was done.

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood 1988 ★★   15 Feb, 2017 There's a lot going on packed very tightly into a short slasher movie. Some of the killing scenes feel very much on fast-forward and hacked (sorry) to pieces. I think this is one of the movies with an infamous much-gorier workprint or alternative cut.

Anyways, the absurd here is pretty much given equal weight to the "serious" plot, which climaxes in an ending so dumb I don't wanna type it out to explain. The violence trends more slapstick in every regard here, with way less blood than Carrie, a movie and third act nearly always referred to because of all the telekinesis. I'm guilty too of "Jason vs. Carrie".

The late 80s/early 90s keeps pushing out some of the chill 70s vibe hanging around the early movies. A yuppie preens about the "burnout dopehead" smoking weed instead of thanking him. The Madonna Material Girl calls something "outrageous". I <3 NYC is next.

Sniper: Special Ops 2016 ½   15 Feb, 2017 This is so dumb and bad and lazy. Seagal doesn't snipe much.