#not in the way he has ever wanted zam dead

[mapicccc]

people who say things like mapicc has taken an interest in derap are stupid

[zylian]

been thinking of an au of battle mage ro who’s like the only wizard that spent his whole life training in only offensive magic which makes him like a decade ahead of every other mage in combat

he’s also very willing to do self sacrificing spells which can wipe out entire cities/towns

ro has a deal with witch zam, who specializes in curses, since the day they met and found out they both dabble in ancient spells, ro asked zam to test resurrection spells on him so he can keep testing combat spells without the worry of death

zam would occasionally get a letter about twice a year saying “if this reached you, I’m dead” and would pause what he was doing to resurrect ro

after the 12th time zam practically perfects it, making sure ro’s mana flow is better than ever and in return ro goes on a murder spree on the people who won’t leave zam alone

when ro’s not laying his life on the line he’s partnered with relentless warrior mapic fighting whoever they both see fit

when ro dies on the field, mapic usually waits a week for him to show up again but from how frequent it starts happening, as ro loves to destroy many kingdoms, mapic goes straight to witch zams house who ro told him about after his 3rd resurrection partnered with him

mapic learns zam actually resurrects ro within one day and they both learn the letters actually take 5 days to arrive to zams place as ro just hasn’t optimized his mana infused letter since he was too occupied with learning more ancient combat spells

obviously instead of fixing the system he lets mapic keep travelling to zam and both mapic and zam fall into a routine of mapic showing up, drinking a cup of hot cocoa while telling zam how ro died as zam preps for ro’s revival

no one actually attempts resurrections since it goes terribly and mapic seems to think both ro and zam are stupid for continuously using cursed magic and suffering tremendously until it was right

the only person who knows outside of those 3 that zam can revive anyone perfectly (yes mapic did die in battle once and ro made zam resurrect him to laugh at him but zam did it so well mapic made them keep it a secret) was alchemist spoke

spoke is mapics potion supply guy who makes the oddest not normal potions ever but mapic always finds a way to use them in battle so he became his number one customer

due to a faulty package delivery, one of spokes very dangerous customers killed him for wasting their money and time

mapic spent a month trying different potion suppliers after his death but there was way too many issues aka it being too pricey, too long of a delivery, part faulty potions, not enough stock and not to mention being put on a waiting list

he was so tired he just dragged ro with him to zams place one day and asked him to resurrect spoke, zam surprisingly knew who mapic was talking about and had realized why he didn’t get his pending delivery yet

so as zam really didn’t want to go through the same hell mapic was ranting about going through with finding another alchemist, he resurrects spoke without question

spoke, who upon living again, takes a breath of fresh air and fully crashes out about what happened to him unprompted

as spoke wraps up his rage while having a nice meal in zams garden, he promptly questions why witch zam, his regular customer, is insanely proficient at resurrections

basically after a quick explanation zam now gets 50% off discounts on all potions, mapic said he was the one to bring spoke to zam so he should get it too but spoke convinced him that he and ro would get the discount after spokes dangerous customer who killed him dies a horrific death

all in all battle mage ro has an amazing time messing with ancient spells while using spokes discounted cursed potions to cause mayhem without fearing death in the slightest

[coffeegnomee]

The two sides of season 5.

The absolute vibe difference from looking at Minute’s lore by stitching together all the lore moments together VS taking out ALL the lore is sending me. 

And both are immaculate.

Like in the first, you would find Minute, Jumper, and Pentar in the cave, lost, silent, overwhelmed that they just lost the presidency and were betrayed by Leo and Clown.

Minute slides down the wall, buries his head in his hands. He was just a DM away, why didn’t they talk to him. They were so close to peace.

Burnt out, despondent. Weary from weeks of trying to save bases from PrinceZam, from weeks of resisting the urge to kill him. Emotionally drained from realizing there was a new threat on top of Zam; Mapicc and Ro were going to revert spawn to the way it was before they got there.

He had bet the presidency. And lost. Was betrayed by the whole server for some money.

What should he do now?

As they wait in that cave, the sounds of the server turning to hardcore echoes through the dripstone. Screams of frustration at the idiocy of Ro as Bacon is annihilated by an arrow cannon. Planet’s cry cut short as Zam’s sword stabs through his back.

They’re lost. Broken.

And then Zam’s sing-song voice comes to their ears. What are you going to do now, Minute? I just killed Planet, Minute? Do you care? Do you even care? 

What if I blew up the Vitalasy hole, Minute? Would you stop me?

The Vitalasy hole. Threatened over and over. Not this time. If Zam wanted to die, he could die.

The team exchanges a look, nodding. They equip their elytras and fly over. 

Zam is jumping up and down waving his hands. Insane grin spread wide. His arms thrown out in welcome as the team plummets from the sky like rocks, landing in full gear.

Zam says something stupid. Who cares what this cretin is saying. He’s the reason for everything bad that’s happened to them. “Let’s just cut to the chase”, Minute splashes the potions and in seconds the thorn in his side lies dead at his feet.

Mapicc and wemmbu destroy the Vitalasy hole. They would be next.

They plot the perfect ambush and in two swift strokes, both enemies are gone. The bloodlust keeps growing, it feels good, going back to his PMC roots. Just neutralize the threat in front of him. He never needed Clown to do the PMC’s good work.

Rumors fly that his enemies are possessing other server members’ bodies. It doesn’t matter. He could take them down again just as easily as before.

He takes a fight, and Clownpierce joins. He’s better than Clown. They have the gear advantage. 

But he slipped up. And all it takes is one slip up. He thought he knew what true bloodlust was. He thought he knew what cold, calculated indifference was. 

But Clown was far more relentless. Far more ruthless, targeting Minute and ignoring his teammates. 

Before he even knew what was happening, he was out of gear. On the run. Scrabbling over rock and river in a desperate attempt to flee. 

Maybe this is how Zam felt when he was dying. 

In one final attempt to swim away, he felt the cold steel of Clown’s sword pierce his armor and break it, plunging into his heart. It was all over. 

And then the other option is like:

(Every time I read this back I get the singsong “happy happy haPPY!” meme song stuck in my head. A silly goofy jingle. Or Zam doing the “I like purple, and I like green, but my favorite color, do you know my favorite color? My favorite color yellow!”. It makes me giggle so much. It’s so unserious.)

Minute is betrayed and it really freaking hurts. But time wins all wars, they would come up with the perfect attack eventually.

Completely unworried, they realize their names spell out Peanut Butter And Jelly! They’re the best part of a balanced breakfast!

They show up at spawn to see what the almighty and powerful wemmbu /neg has to say for himself. It’s a whole lot of nothing.

As they laugh together and leave for the carnival, Bacon just explodes, pops like a grape. It’s the funniest shit ever. They were going to win this war easy peasy. No worries.

They pose for a screenie to commemorate the new team name. Planet dies to Zam. Oh no! Anyway. 

Zam gets into call and it’s the perfect moment to mention that they’re the best part of a balanced breakfast! But this kid, man, he just wants to YAP. Yawn!

He starts threatening the Vitalasy hole or something. He’s done this so many times I literally could not care less. But he seems to be over there so I guess we’ll check it out. 

Laughing like drunken frat boys, high on their friendship, they fly over, and this ant is just standing at the top.

Let’s just wipe the grin off his face and screw this popsicle stand.

He drops. Really easily? Was that really his whole plan? If this is him winning, I hope he never stops winning. 

That was weird. Well. Anyways!

There’s this thing added where the dead can grant blessings and curses. That insane person, Zam, blesses Minute because of something called “made sense for my character”? Whatever that means. 

But man, Pentar got cursed twice and now he’s actually chubby. It’s like, kind of funny. But we have to fix him. 

Rek and Terry would die for them so Pentar can run. Quick fix. Everything is fair again. 

They move their base and prepare the Secret Plan™. The power of friendship was going to win this war. Together, they are an unstoppable force. Peace and justice would rule this land once and for all!

Jumper lures Mapicc over with some lie, Minute looks down the barrel of the arrow gun and giggles as he lines up the shot. It’s too easy. Jumper is safe on the camel and he pulls the trigger. Mappic pops like a grape, it’s a great sight to see. Enemy #2 is gone!

Maybe they could end this war today. Ash messages wemmbu, and wemmbu gets on. Omg the plan can happen today! They were going to win this war.

Wemmbu bans LifestealLord and it’s like, kind of concerning, but they have an ambush. With Ash’s signal they descend upon the president and kill him, it’s pitifully easy. Can you imagine his face when he saw his heart start dropping for the first time in weeks? Hilarious.

Are we the bad guys? No. no. 

Well, we may not loooook that peaceful right now, but you just gotta trust the process. 

Minute feels the first little doubt that they are as good as they think they are, he accepts the possibility. But like. They’re about to get the presidency back and unban everyone who was killed. The end result will fix everything. And everyone would be friends because who doesn’t love the power of friendship??

Ash, Jumper and Pentar EXPLODE in front of Minute. 

But that’s just not fair™. Kill us unceremoniously? We are not taking that.

They get brought back and there’s a slight issue. Their enemies start possessing bodies. But it’s nothing too important because they have a base to decorate!

And then their enemies stop playing fair. Why won’t they come to the AntiTrap Box™? Just come and sit down in front of us Oh My Gawd. We aren’t going to kill you, this is a friendly meeting because we are a little concerned that you might think you can win, but friendship is going to win. 

Fine. Observe from a distance.

We want a revive beacon of life. We can fight all week, and if any of you HAPPEN to last until Saturday we can do a big battle and then last team standing wins. Sound good?

What do you mean no? You want it to just play out? This is a human story? But I want to win. Somebody has to win.

The friendship gets strained as the tension grows. Their enemies still are a team of 4 despite the fact that they banned 3 people. They’re out numbered without Ash.

Over the next few days they get a little more paranoid. They know Clown has been logging on all day every day. They suspect a trap in their base, but they have to check it out together, so that none of them die. And preferably when nobody else is online so they’ll be safe.

But then they get goaded into a fight. But it was going to be fine. 15 stacks of xp each and secret netherite armor. They easily outmatched anyone who would come at them. 

At some point they had to fight, mighteswell be tonight. Mapicc is using harming arrows, the silly goober. 

Then Clown joins. And he’s also using harming. Maybe they missed something. 

Ro and Clown target Minute and Mapicc has a knock back sword that is really starting to get annoying. 

Things are not looking good. 

And the power of friendship is not strong enough in the face of an evil murderous clown. Minute dies, Pentar dies.

Jumper survives and rallies the And JellyS. One final stand to ban everyone. Because if nobody is alive, Lifesteal will be at peace. 

They fail. 

It’s sad. 

Oh Well! Let’s go back to the carnival!!! 

——

The second one also reads like a horror movie where it’s super happy but then every once in a while the screen goes blurry and the character starts breathing heavy when they realize maybe killing people should affect me, and then brightens up and the happy music starts playing again and it’s like the most unnerving shit ever. And then they all die brutally at the end.

But reading them back and remembering how both were actually happening at the same time is just so funny to me.

Maybe pb&j was a fun plot? nah. Unless? 

Also, I feel like it could be easy to read the second option as me being mean to pb&j and like /neg-ing their comments, but those out of pocket things makes this interpretation so much better, without it, it’s not nearly as absurd. And it genuinely brings me so much joy. Lifesteal used to not have any lore, and laughter at the other team and petulance at the things that go wrong for your team are time honored traditions. You can see Mapicc and Ro and Zam and Bacon and so many others doing it in earlier seasons. It comes out of them because it’s literally Minecraft and that always lends a certain level of absurdity at all times. Part of the charm. 

Also, I feel like if you missed Jumper’s pov of Minute’s and Pentar’s death you miss a lot of the character moments in either interpretation. She put it in her discord. 

[howlingday]

Any way to make a Ghost Stories reference in your writing please?

THERE IS ALWAYS ROOM TO PUT GHOST STORIES IN MY WRITING!

---------------------------------------------------

Adrian: Do you guys hear that?

Ruby: You know what I hear? I hear a lot of you shuttin' the fuck up!

Adrian: Let's see... Seven?

Ruby: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ruby: Adrian?! You let her get away?! What are you, STUPID?!

Adrian: Uh, ber, ah-

Ruby: Obviously! Which way did she go?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adrian: We can't leave CeeCee!

Yang: I don't care about your dead cat, kid, so get over it.

Ruby: SHUT UP! When our mother died, CC was there at her funeral.

Ruby: Our dead mother's funeral! Do you feel bad now? Because you should!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ruby: Adrian? What's wrong? Why are you crying?

Adrian: (Sniffles) 'Cause these pajamas are dumb!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adrian: CeeCee!

CC: What do you want?

Adrian: (Giggles)

CC: Ruby was right, you really are stupid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adrian: They make fun of me all the time! I don't need another god damn reason!

Terra: You watch your god damn mouth!

Saphron: Finally. Glad that's over.

Terra: Saph...

Saphron: Hey, they make fun of me at work, too. I don't need another god damn reason, either!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Weiss: Oh, Dust, preserve me, as I am your favorite among these eco-green heathens.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Weiss: Here. Like Dust, it is always there for you.

Ruby: A scroll?! Well, would you look at that? Would've been nice thirty minutes ago.

Weiss: You can use it, but don't take too long. I know how you commoners like to take advantage of others.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Weiss: And the faunus partook of the gas fuel, and they knew that they were sinful.

Ruby: ADRIAN?! ADRIAN, I PROMISE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HELL!

Adrian: Hello, Sinner!

Ruby: Ugh! Don't you have a alternative fuel source to bomb?

Weiss: You just wait! When my mother becomes the councilwoman, I won't have to! Remember what I taught you about dust safety.

Adrian: Wear a rubber. Right.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Weiss: Such brave, strong heroes... HaveyouacceptedDustasyouronetrueenergy?

Blake: What? No, I'm a faunus!

Weiss: But I... want you to be saved! I am, and ever since, I've had the gifts!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blake: The school is haunted! If you weren't busy sucking off Mr. Ironwood, you would've noticed!

Goodwitch: Two words, girl. Minute. Man.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blake: You should be like Ghira Belladonna, and show kindness to your enemies, and in doing so, turn them into your frie-

Yang: HA! You're a pussy, and he should join the soccer squad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yang: How high are you?

Blake: (Via scroll) There's no one around! I... I can't hear anything! Where is everybody?!.

Yang: You fucking slut! You smoked all of it, didn't you?!

Yang: Er, I-I mean, what are you talking about? There are tons of people around!

Blake: YOU SMOKED ALL OF IT!.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yang: Time to go Zam Bambino on his ass! (Runs next to Adrian) Come on, you can do it! Lift your fucking knees!

Yang: You wanna be a huntin ranger~!

Yang: You wanna live a life of danger~!

Yang: You don't wanna get raped by strangers~!

Yang: (Stops) THINK OF A BIG-DICKED FAUNUS CHASING YOU!

Adrian: (Falls over, Panting)

Yang: Well, he's not racist, I'll give him that.

Blake: Not with these numbers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ruby: What do you think, Yang?

Yang: Leave me alone, I'm doing my standard anime elbows up pose.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pyrrha: ...

Ruby: ...Pyrrha, you don't look so good.

CC: RUN! SHE'S A GHOST AND A BITCH!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CC: I saw you beating off last night, tiny. Or should I say speedy?

Yang: RGH!

CC: ...God, you are four of the ugliest fucking kids I have ever had the misfortune of laying my eyes on. I can't wait for this bitch to kill all of you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CC: Why am I doing this? It's not faithful to my character arc!

CC: Oh well, I'm getting paid for this. I might as well just read the script. It's a livin'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ghira: We've been married about twenty years now.

Ruby: Nobody's talking to you. Just drive the damn bus, bus driver. Fucking nosy...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Qrow: You still haven't told me what to do with these boards yet.

Ozpin: Just move the boards over there, board mover.

Qrow: Yeah, sure. Jackass...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ilia: You still haven't told us what to do with that.

Adam: Shut up! Just fill the hole, hole filler!

Ilia: Sure! Jacakass...

[pyrriax]

I don't know if you've gotten this one yet but 28 I think? the favorite line/passage one!!!

Ask game!

28. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

Oo this is so hard to choose.... I'm giving myself two, one from something published and one from something unpublished.

Published: Excerpt from Chapter 25 "Broken Hourglass" of Where the Dust Settles

[...] Somewhere along the way, he'd yanked his hand away from Accius, taking quick steps back, away from them, away from the thing he wants so desperately to run from. Back toward the only thing he even knows anymore. Back toward the constant of insecurity. At least, until his back hits one of the stone walls, and the air leaves his lungs. Panic makes his head swim and constricts his thoughts to the uncertainty and bad and blood. Blood on his tongue, flesh in his mouth, red clouding his vision and stinging his eyes. So much for not crying until he was safe again. [...]

Unpublished: Excerpt from "I'm Sure Silence Should Hurt Less Than This" from the Anhedonia AU

[...] The dog bites him that night, draws blood and threatens to tear out a chunk of his flesh, teeth puncturing deep enough he worries this won't heal without taking a heart with it. The dog has many hearts, more than Ro has ever had. Its earned those hearts, one way or another. Perhaps this is how it does it. Tonight he was supposed to meet with Zam and Spoke, to discuss something he can't remember with blunted teeth buried in his forearm. He won't be leaving tonight, and they'll ask where he was. He'll ignore their messages for another few weeks, until they stop trying. The dog growls and bites down harder, enough to bring tears to Ro's eyes. But instead of flinching away and trying to yank his arm from its mouth, he reaches out with his other hand and pets its head, promises he isn't going to hurt it. Its fur is softer than he expected, smooth and shedding more than it should. It thrashes for a moment, and he regrets treating it with such kindness. There will always be a dog in Ro's apartment, one that bites and snarls and wants him dead on the days he says too much. On the days he craves to leave this shell of a home behind and see if anyone would dare to take him in, it looks at him with the placid eyes of a dead dog, and he doesn't leave. If he leaves like Zam did, abandons the dog in favor of a new place, then the dog will escape the prison he's made of his home. [...]

I swear I'm normal about dogs as a metaphor/allegory. Also these are both pretty recent but also these are stuck in my head. The one from WTDS especially. Pandora will always have a special place in my heart because he's so fucking horrible and I love him to death.

[syn0vial]

miscellaneous expanded universe boba fett characterization details, JUNIOR NOVELS EDITION

hello, hello! i'm here to share more random boba fett details, this time turning towards his younger self—specifically, his younger self as characterized by the boba fett junior novels that i may have had a slight obsession with as a kid. full disclaimer that the events of these novels have been alomst completely retconned by bitty!boba's appearances in TCW, but, well... i still like them, so there :<

and now, without further ado:

bitty!boba is kind of a bundle of contradictions. especially pre-geonosis, he's a genuinely nice kid who likes animals, reading books, and playing pretend. he also thinks murder is a perfectly good way of solving problems. he knows all about major underworld figures and various ways of tracking/harming others. he's also alarmingly sheltered and naive. he spends multiple days agonizing over feeding feeder mice to his pet eel and even attempts to release some of them against his father's orders. he tries to literally murder obi-wan like a week later. the kid contains multitudes, is what i'm saying.

boba: "a sea-mouse is an innocent creature that never knowingly did anything to anybody" [obi-wan enters line of sight] "you, however, i would maim."

boba's life on kamino is honestly kind of depressing. he lives in extreme isolation and only has regular contact with like... four people, one of whom is a droid. he talks to himself constantly because he has no one else to talk to, especially when the adults in his life aren't around. for the first ten years of his life, he never even interacts with someone his own age. needless to say, it's a very lonely existence.

because he's stuck on kamino, boba learns a lot of what he knows about the rest of the galaxy by reading books. for this reason, he has an approximate knowledge of many things! so he's not completely ignorant on the galaxy outside his bubble, even if his knowledge is usually second-hand and incomplete.

for example, he knows JUST enough about the beings known as "mothers" to figure out that the changeling bounty hunter zam wesell isn't his mom—not bc they aren't even the same species, but bc none of the books he's read have ever mentioned moms shapeshifting, QED, zam =/= mom. flawless logic.

in addition, bitty!boba also doesn't know what a gender role is for the first 10 years of his life. when he finds out, he is extremely disappointed with the galaxy. no, i'm serious. he gets stuck on an orphanage ship after his father is killed and is befriended by a non-binary alien kid. the kid complains about binary gender roles and boba is just perplexed and appalled by the whole thing.

the kid LOVES starfighters. he likes reading about them, talking about them, and occasionally even seeing a few at tipoca city's spaceport. in fact, when jango wants to make boba feel better about [gestures vaguely at the state of his life], he takes boba to the spaceport and just lets him info-dump about whatever he sees there. (though, of course, no starfighter could ever beat slave I <3)

something else bitty!boba loves: STARS. he doesn't actually get to see them most of the time bc the sky is always overcast on kamino, but when he does see them, especially as he gets a little older, he's completely awed by them. later on, when he's stuck on that republic orphanage ship, he spends long stretches of time sitting in the rear observation blister, just staring out at the near-stationary starscape.

post-geonosis, boba has to change a lot. the most immediate lesson he has to learn is not to trust others and, of course, he learns it the hard way. after his father dies, this kid is just running up to strangers like "HI MY DAD IS DEAD AND I HAVE NO ONE TO CONTACT AND NO WAY TO GET HOME, PLS HELP." and these assholes are always like, "oh, what a coincidence :) i knew your dad, actually :) just follow me and i'll take care of everything :)" AND THIS FUCKING KID JUST BELIEVES THEM.

jango fett really taught this kid how to disassemble and reassemble a blaster but not about stranger danger, smh

anyway... several attempted kidnappings/robberies later... boba starts to realize that maybe going along with every adult who is vaguely nice to him is NOT a good game plan.

these types of lessons repeat and escalate until boba's general approach to interacting with adults seems to be to assume malicious intent until proven otherwise. which, tbh, usually serves him well. in fact, by the time he's established at jabba's palace (which is when he's like... somewhere between 12-14 maybe?), his strategy has evolved into "pre-emptively come across as a murderous, unhinged little shit to prevent future fuckery." which means this adolescent child is walking around jabba's palace threatening to get people killed and openly displaying a pair of severed hands in his rucksack.

don'tcha love character development

all that said, boba reverts to being a friendly, playful kid when in the company of people he trusts. in jabba's palace, this means the cooks of kitchen 7: a father and daughter who boba inadvertently reunited after killing the guy who kidnapped and enslaved the latter. though lowly palace servants, these two are basically boba's lifeline in jabba's palace, providing him with food, gear, and palace gossip, not to mention much-needed companionship.

bitty!boba is an excellent melee fighter. he spends the majority of the books unarmed facing off against adult opponents with weapons. bc he's not yet at the stage where he can overpower them with physical strength/weaponry, he instead defeats them by being a small, fast-moving target who WILL use whatever random objects are in his immediate vicinity to disarm/blind/distract/take down whoever's trying to kill him.

a sampling of items bitty!boba uses as weapons, off the top of my head: a small table. a light fixture. a squid kebab. a rock. one day he'll be so heavily armed that even his knees can launch projectiles, but until then, he makes do.

he also bites at least one person. ya do what you gotta do.

on a related note: the kid is impulsive af. that time he bit someone? he had a knife to his throat at the time but he still went CHOMP. aurra sing steals slave I? HE JUMPS OFF A BUILDING TO GET IT BACK. count dooku tries to confine him to quarters? HE ATTEMPTS TO BLACKMAIL THAT BITCH. jabba just tried to trick him into indentured servitude? BOBA YELLS AT HIM IN FRONT OF HIS ENTIRE COURT. honestly this impulsivity gets boba INTO trouble just as often as it gets him out of it.

overall, despite being raised by a very morally ambiguous individual on a backdrop of organized crime, bitty!boba's defining feature is that he still genuinely tries to a good person, even if his moral perspective is a little skewed. at times, he really seems to think that a good bounty hunter should be something like a superhero—that, ideally, it means not only taking out unquestionably bad people but also helping those that they would harm. in fact, from the first book, he envisions himself not just as a hunter but a protector and rescuer as well. of course, he kind of loses the plot as he gets older, but even then, there's that seed of idealism within him, however twisted it becomes with time.

[brawltogethernow]

How would you, personally, go about writing a plot where twenty-something Dick Grayson has to take care of suddenly-deaged-to-just-after-his-parents'-deaths Bruce, who doesn't remember anything of his adult life? (I mean, other than Necessary Alfred.)

Well, the part of this concept that can really sock you in the face is. Dick knows exactly what Bruce needed to hear right after Martha and Thomas died.

Bruce, though not lacking for people trying to take care of him, did not get what he needed after becoming an orphan. He grew up, and he made the best of things, and he thought about what he needed from the world and didn’t get, and he became that, and that’s Batman, and that’s Bruce Wayne. When he saw a kid go through trauma very similar to his own, he had an entire playbook written by his own suffering and fixer tendencies ready to go. It wasn’t perfect, but it was the best thing in the world for Dick Grayson short of his family spontaneously coming back from the dead, and things were good for a long time.

And now Dick Grayson, age, I don’t know, maybe the same age Bruce was when they met to intensify the parallels, has this playbook memorized. So.

Brief, miscellaneous scenario that’s about to cause the de-aging, to establish adult Bruce’s voice. He is motivated and capable with a strong sense of deadpan humor, and there is a large mishealed wound at his core. He is aware of this. He is used to working around it. He isn’t even that bitter about it, most of the time. Basically any supporting cast members filling out the scene could be interesting, so lacking an established roster to pull from you can use anybody. I think I'd use heroes who aren’t in the Batfam - characters with their own concepts of Batman but who don’t all know Bruce’s entire life story from a personal or Gothamite perspective. Dick is not present.

So something goes zam or zap or “Go back to your beginning, hero!” —Actually yeah, I like someone using magic to try to turn Batman into a baby but the symbolism catching wrong and rewinding him to when Batman was “born” instead. Some heavy-handedness is good with DC.

Elementary age Bruce Wayne is deeply unsettling. He intuits most of the situation without assistance or effort. He also doesn’t care. You can’t expect a pile of shattered glass to care about some sci-fi nonsense suddenly happening. He is a million years old. He hates you. He should be dead, they shouldn’t be dead, nothing is right. Breathing hurts, or, doesn’t, but should. It’s unconscionable that it doesn’t hurt to breathe. This child's despair is actively uncomfortable to be around. The grit of a nascent Batman grants him immunity to being comforted by the surrounding gaggle of semiprofessional child comforters. —I’m of the opinion that Bruce Wayne was probably a weird child to match the weird adult he grew up into, just initially happy about it, which I’d gun to make clear in his reactions even with the bottomless agony.

You could also snug a very traumatizingly timed identity reveal moment in here if somebody was tagging along who can go, WHY do I recognize this face from old news... WAIT.

Now Dick can show up. To a JL workroom, or the batcave, or maybe the manor, because I would want to demonstrate that Alfred is well versed in this and is sent back to a not great mental place by it. The old coping methods rise easily to hand even after decades, but he feels he never properly figured out how to fix the problems Bruce had in this period instead of just working around them. Eventually Bruce started working around Alfred’s inability to help. —But anywhere you put that sequence seems like it would drag the pacing.

So Dick shows up, and he crouches down with his characteristic gymnast’s fluidity, and he puts his hands on this kid’s shoulders, and he says...something. It’s not going to be okay. How could this ever be okay? The people assuring you it will aren’t trying to lie to you, there just aren’t words for this. But you can stop this from happening to anyone else. Opening with a conscious deployment of Bruce’s own words from a decade and then some ago, because Dick has always understood this element of their dynamic.

Except then he’s touching this real child who is warm under his hands and small. The shoulders under Dick’s hands are bony, which is a brain-meltingly irreconcilable detail with adult Bruce Wayne the meat slab. When Dick says, “My parents were killed when I was your age, too,” it’s a completely unintentional verbatim quote that crawls up out of his throat like a toad in a fairy tale. He hates that; he has a whole snarled up capital-T Thing about unconsciously parroting Bruce. But also it’s not like he’s going to stop comforting the actual child who now has a complicated look in his eyes—like he was drowning and then Dick threw him a life preserver and told him to hang on until they get to land because it’s impossible to reel him back up to the boat.

So then we go to the manor, and finally get to do some domestic nonsense, but hideous. Ugly conversations about coping and grief in your socks in the kitchen—when your parents just died, the sentence “The weather looks bad” is about your dead parents—because Alfred is coping by airing out whatever rooms Bruce used when he was smol he doesn’t now so hard you’ll never know they were shut up, which leaves Dick free to feed the child a fortifying dinner of instant oatmeal. (Mourning and food have a complex relationship, and I don’t feel food you actively enjoy is always a good choice!) This process involves Dick walking on the counter unnecessarily, which entertains Bruce for a quarter second before he’s swamped by guilt at having the audacity to enjoy something.

It’s miserable, but there’s a distinct glimmer of something promising under the murk. There’s this building surety that this could lead to something good. Bruce gave Dick the tools he needed to heal once, and as an adult Dick could repay that to this version of Bruce with interest.

And then Bruce pops back to normal, because that’s not how time works, with all of the ways that his emotional wounds healed wrong and healed open intact. But also with this Escher-like doubled recollection of the most formatively terrible point of his life, a short new version layered over the original that was pointing distinctly in a direction that would have sucked less.

[doctorwenqing]

tonight i’m thinking about attack of the clones, specifically: what the FUCK was palpatine’s plan??

okay so, his goals are

start the clone war

turn anakin to the dark side so one of the most powerful force users ever, the “chosen one”, will be his apprentice.

so in order to accomplish those goals he… tells dooku to kill padme? then dooku sends jango who sends zam wesell who sends a droid who sends some bugs. nobody actually wants to do their fucking job and this plan fails!

okay, let’s say that plan succeeded. padme is dead. anakin is understandably upset, however while he’s had a crush on this girl for a long time he hasn’t actually seen her in YEARS so there’s not really enough of an attachment there for this to trigger his turn to the dark side. also MAYBE the death of the senator from naboo could be enough to start a war, but the republic hasn’t even discovered the clones exist yet.

instead let’s say palpatine always intended the assassination attempt to fail. so the actual plan is:

either influence the jedi council in some way or just hope they decide to separate master and apprentice and send anakin alone to protect the senator who now has at LEAST two assassination attempts against her, even though they’re clearly not confident in anakin’s abilities.

rely on the romantic destination of naboo being enough to cause anakin and padme to fall in love so that fear of her death later will help influence anakin’s fall to the dark side

make sure when the assassination plan failed, jango knew to kill the person he hired with darts from kamino instead of… you know… just shooting her with a blaster like a normal person

still have dooku delete all record of kamino from the jedi archives so obi wan can’t find out about it that way. because that would be too easy, let’s make it a bit of a challenge.

hope that obi wan has a friend who just happens to recognize kaminoan darts (is dexter jettster in on it??)

okay this next part i’m not sure if it was part of palpatine’s plan at all but at this point it wouldn’t even be the craziest bit:

convince some tusken raiders to kidnap, torture, and kill anakin’s mom to get him to go back to tattooine, encouraging his fall to the dark side and making him and padmé the closest people to geonosis who could help obi wan

hope that anakin and padmé don’t die in the arena at geonosis (again, anakin would be upset but i don’t see padmé being suddenly mauled by a reek to be enough to fully turn him into vader)

either the force is just on palpatine’s side and he got lucky or he’s really got a galaxy brain. honestly maybe he deserved to get to be in charge of the galaxy for a little bit.

[basura2319]

Choices

Pairing: Jango Fett x reader

Requested by: literally no one

WC: 1.7k (oops)

Warnings: angst lots of it, relationship problems , takes place before TPM, has references to Jango’s Legends lore (aka the bounty hunter game).

A/N: I’m really doubting posting this fic on here guys...

Jango couldn’t ignore the pit in his stomach any longer as he descended his new ship, Slave I, towards Bespin.

“You live on Bespin?” asked the female Clawdite lounging on the seat next to him.

Jango, of course, didn’t respond to her.

Zam huffed. “Seriously, you were just talking to me five minutes ago. What’d I do now?”

“Be quiet,” grumbled Jango. The clouds of Bespin were dangerous to navigate, rendering him unable to see anything especially now since the sun was setting.

Zam threw an annoyed glance at him before peering at the silhouette of what she assumed was Cloud City. They got closer to the city and a voice muffled through the ship’s com channel.

“Welcome to Cloud City,” greeted a droid. “What is your business here?”

“I need to get to landing bay 40,” replied Jango.

“Do you have an access code for landing bay 40?”

“Yes, I’m patching it through right now.”

He waited anxiously for the droid’s response.

“The code checks out,” the droid droned. “You may proceed.”

Jango sighed inwardly. He hadn’t seen nor contacted you in weeks because of, well, the “special hunt” Tyranus invited him to partake in. He had so much to tell you and was so nervous about it. Nervous about how you would take in the news of moving to Kamino with all the credits he will earn for being the clone template.

He had sent you a message yesterday saying he’d be back, but you didn’t reply. That’s when he felt it. Felt it deep in his chest that you were angry with him, and for a good reason too. It churned his stomach with nerves.

He found your landing bay and landed the ship without any problems. Jango unbuckled his straps before moving over to help Zam.

“Need me to carry you?” Jango asked.

She stood up slowly, wincing at the pain shooting up from her torso. “No, I think I can manage.”

Jango nodded, pressing a button on his wrist to open the ship’s door. He made his way down the ramp, helmet on his hip as his eyes roamed his surroundings for anyone who might be watching them.

“So do you live here or not,” she questioned again, following him to wherever he was going.

“Something like that,” he replied gruffly, closing the ship.

“Huh, I thought you were more of a person who lived planet to planet,” joked Zam, observing the buildings. “Not in one of these fancy housings.” Jango slung her arm over his shoulder so she wouldn’t fall. “Thanks for letting me crash at your place.”

“You’re welcome.”

Jango finally made it to your complex after a few minutes, holding out his key to the door for entry. He entered the room along with Zam, about to call out your name but the words died in his throat.

You were sitting in the living room as if you were waiting for him all this time with a taut expression, watching him enter with a steely gaze.

“Jango—” At the sight of you, Zam snapped her mouth shut, looking between you and Jango. “Um, hi,” she waved awkwardly at you which was a mistake because the movement made her hiss in pain.

Your cold eyes raked over Zam before landing on him.

Jango cleared his throat. “(Y/N), this is Zam Wessel,” he began reluctantly “She’s going to stay in the spare bedroom for couple of days until she’s well enough to go off on her own.”

You didn’t say anything. You just continued to stare at him.

“It’s okay, I can leave tomorrow,” Zam insisted as Jango told her to go down the hall to the door on the right, happy to put as much distance between her and whatever was happening now.

The door to the room shuts and you’re silent. Jango had seen you angry many times before, as couples do when they spend so many years together. But not like this. So unresponsive and so frigid, especially towards him.

“Cyare—”

“Where have you been Jango,” you said steadily, though he could hear the slight tremor in your voice.

“Look,” he said lowly. “Can we talk about this in our room?”

“No,” you whispered harshly, tears beginning to well up in your already red eyes. “We’re gonna talk about this right now.”

You breathed through your nose and bit the inside of your cheek, trying so hard not to break in front of him. What’s the use? You looked like a mess in front of him anyway with your baggy clothes and sunken face.

He sat down next to you placing his helmet on the floor before making a reach for your hand, but you flinched away from his touch. A dull ache settled in Jango’s chest at the action.

“I know I told you that I was leaving for two days—”

“Yeah,” you snarked. “Which turned into weeks of hearing absolutely nothing from you!”

He winced at your words, though it’s true. He didn’t contact you at all during the hunt for Tyranus’ former apprentice.

“I thought something bad happened to you Jango, god!” your voice cracked, finally letting your tears spill. “I tried contacting Roz, but she clearly didn’t want to tell me what was going on.”

Jango looked at you, regret pooling in his stomach at your distress. The distress he caused.

“I tried comming you over and over and you wouldn’t answer.” You wiped your tears with your shirt as Jango watched, wanting to hold you desperately. “I commed Roz again and no answer.”

He tore his gaze from you and sighed softly. “She’s gone (Y/N).”

You sniffed. “What?”

“Roz,” he raked a hand through his dark hard. “She’s dead. A bounty hunter who was after the same bounty Zam and I were after, killed her.”

You stared at him frozen in shock.

“All because she was associated with me,” Jango explained.

“Jango…” you said faintly.

He kneeled to the floor, between your legs as he held your hands in his, kissing them.

“Mesh’la I’m so sorry,” he murmured against your skin. “But understand, I needed to protect you.”

Still on the floor kneeling, he told you everything. About how he was about to go back to you, but then got sidetracked by the Tyranus’ offer. About the hell he and Zam went through to find that bounty. And that karkin di’kut, Montross, who added more fuel to fire by killing Roz for Jango’s whereabouts and almost killed him. The thought of that son of a bantha ever finding out about your existence—Jango didn’t want to entertain that idea.

It was better that he didn’t contact you at all, but seeing your distraught state now made him question his choices. Made him question if making you go through with his sudden disappearance merited millions of credits.

He got to the part about the bounty reward, watching how you absorbed this information with bewilderment.

“Wait,” you cut him off. “They want to use your genetic makeup to make an army?”

“Yeah…”

You stared at him, confused more than ever. “Why, and for whom?”

“For the Republic,” he said plainly. “As for why, my employer didn’t say.”

“How much did this Tyranus person promise to you give?” you probed him.

“Five million credits,” said Jango. “And…an unaltered clone, (Y/N). A son.”

Your breath hitched as you stare at him in shock, unable to form a sentence. A son for you and Jango, your mind flared in awe.

He squeezed your hand. “Come me with to Kamino.”

“Huh?” you mumbled out.

“The cloners—the Kaminoans I mean— want me to stay on Kamino,” Jango thumbed your hand softly. “For the entire process.” He drew your head forward to place his forehead against yours. “What do you say cyare? We can finally settle down, raise our son like we’ve always talked about.”

It was true. You had been with Jango for three years, two of which you had established your relationship. Yes, you had talked about settling down with Jango someday, having kids.You were excited about it because he made you feel happy and most of all loved like no one else did. Though you never knew when that future would happen. If it was ever going to happen.

However, a question still remained at the forefront of your mind. Were you still going to stick around with him while he continues to go off to his bounties, leaving you alone with his son for weeks again and again? Who’s to say he will stop? Even if they give him enough credits so that he wouldn't have to work for the rest of his life.

The cycle never broke with Jango. He could never take a break, always on the move and you’re tired. So tired of it.

“Jango…” you began cautiously. “I…don’t know…”

The hope in his brown eyes vanished.

“You don’t know?” he echoed, his body stiff between your thighs.

You couldn’t look at him. You loved him with all of your being, but if you were being honest with yourself, you don’t know how much more you can take his constant disappearances. How much more you can take waking up to see he’s not there. How much more you can take the constant loneliness. It sounded selfish, sure, but it’s what you felt. You had raised this issue before to him many times, but he still insisted that it was necessary to secure a future with you.

You told yourself in the beginning that you could get used to what his job demanded of him. But now, as you regarded your lover’s face, the face of a man you would give everything for with blurry eyes, you weren’t so sure anymore.

“Sweetheart?” he whispered, hearing the crack in his own voice as he held your face.

Your throat became dry and you felt like your heart was chipping away slowly.

“I need…I need time to think about it,” you answered shakily, moving away from his arms to head for bed.

Jango swallowed thickly, standing up to reach for your forearm.

“I really am sorry (Y/N),” Jango said with sorrowful eyes watching you look at him in hurt. “I know that’s not enough to fix my habits, but I am sorry.”

He let his hand fall to his side, watching you walk away without saying a word, silently begging to the universe that you wouldn’t walk away from him.

You were all he cared for in this vast universe after all.

[esthyradler]

I am Dungeon anon, djdjdjf. I hope submit is OK to use. But I didn't want be creative in attempting to fit everything in one post or in several posts. That might have the misfortune of being eating by the blob that lives inside all post boxes.

So here's the vague I'd I've had for a while now. Ok, not this one, this one only sprung to life by with that other anons writing story ask.

I have lots of IZ OC's only 3 are flushed, however, and only 1 is Irken and would work in accidentally finding Dr.Zam.

So, my Irken OC used to be a Elite Invader top in his smeet class, not as a whole, but among his smeet siblings. Since, I'm not sure of Zams age, but given my own Irkens timeline and what I gathered of Zams timeline. Either mine is a smeet group before, two groups above or actually during Zams time. (Still haven't decided if smeets are born in categorized classes. Like Invader smeets to one smeetary and science needs to another.) So, unsure if their actually smeet siblings, if the same age, again.

Anyway, during my Irkens invader life he was pretty vicious, even partook in the irken gladiator arena for sport between Invading worlds. On one mission he even turned off the air support on a whole planet and felt smug that he'd outsmarted n hid in fake skin never to be discovered, as he watched them all suffocate. He was true green Irken Nationalist - you know - more power to my people above all else, kinda Irken. Belief in Irken ideals that they were superior to organic lifeforms and all other races were inferior to the Irken Empire, that by enslaving n killing other interior lifeforms the Irken empire was in fact helping them. (Yeah brainwashed zombie.)

Anyway, karma is cruel n teaches us many things, like your whole way of life has been a lie and your no more important to the empire you pleadged to give your life to then other species you enslave n murder.

He was sent on his fifth invading planet right after being honoured and gifted a new ship for his last invade. When he was captured by the planet and headed over to their leading scientist. Dubbed 'insanity' A creature so devoid of apathy n emotions he experiments on his own people without blinking, just for shits n giggles.

He tore my irken apart. Broke him down mentally and physically. But it wasn't the torture or experiments that got my irken. It was the fact The Empire had been sending their leading invaders to their planet for years without a single success. Never to hear from a single one, or ever giving warning to future invaders of its danger. Because they meant nothing, once a toy was broken it was thrown away like garbage.

In the end my Invader wouldn't break. Wouldn't spill The Empires secrets. So he was given a virus in his PAK that would create a back door into The Control system n decimate the mem frame, wrack it from the iniade out, why giving the locations to every Irken whose PAK was still connected to Irk. N even has fellow irkens eye implanted in with a camera to watch the show.

But, what the alien scientist didn't know was. My irken may not of broke for him. He broke at very idea of returning to Irk and what The Massive and control brains would do to him if they learner he'd been defeated n let go. That he was a defected irken now, because he felt wrong. Complete mental breakdown ended up running from Irken space and has never looked back since. Especially, after finding out what was done to his PAK. He may hate what The Empire stands for, but he still believes in his people n what they could accomplish as free beings.

Dxhtrxtxxu, sorry, I figured that needed to be said to understand why everything happened.

My irken has killed a fellow smeet Invader Irken who accidentally ended sucked throw a black whole to his neck of the woods n he aligns himself in The Empires eyes just by knowing n speaking to other aliens aligned with The Resistance n The Resisty. Not mention defected, a traitor, still alive and so in. Lots of racked up reasons to be an enemy now.

I figure my aquatic Bounty Hunter working for The Sub branch The Resisty. Ends up way in over their head n leading several Irken towards my Irken. Or they are together my bounty hunter n irken possibly inspecting a new planet for the plant life (my irken is now a space green witch. They deal in the healing art of plants n such. They are very sick - ill explain that only if asked.) n their scanners on their ships don't pick up an training party of irken. Ooor they were already on the planet when the party shows up.

My Irken knows he's got a better chance of being kept alive n either escaping himself or being rescued tyab an inferior alien with ties to The Resisty who more then likely be killed right away.. Not mention he doesn't have the best self esteem anymore n if he dies it's no big deal. But the bounty hunter is his friend, their more then a friend, their the glue that holds my irken together.

So they cause a distraction or fight through all they fear to allow the bounty hunter to get away. N the irkens are more invested in traitors irken then some backwater planet alien.

In order to be kept alive longest my irken tells them in exchange for life imprisonment he'll tell The Empire all they want to know about their Enemies.. of course he's not involved with the Resisty.. knows nothing.. but he know how to be an Invader. He knows how lie n bullshit n work the system at the same time. (He knows they'll kill him after they get what they want. But he has a backup for that too.) He knows even the highest ranking irken can't make this decision alone.. so they gave no choice but to return him to Irken space to contact Irk.. because let's say the Massive doesn't exist anymore.. thank you florpis n Zim.

However, when get to Irk or radio in when close he lays down n the new tallest say simply to strip him of pak n download the info. He smiles n says he's been implanted with a virus any attempt to mess with his pak will infect every online system n destroy them. (He's bluffing.. as far as he knows. But they Don't know that.) Everyone's freaking out now n what to do with him. He's worth so much more alive than dead but he's also a danger.. so the tallest is like. The dungeons.. put him in the dungeons. Their old n there's no tech down there.. no way to infect the rest if irks whole gride system hundred if feet below the surface of irk.. untill they can figure out how to either exstrack the info without him or until they can get it out if him willing as before n just leave him down there to rot after.

At some point either my irken gets out n starts snooping around for a back exist or he just so happens to be stuck in same room as zams prison box.

Also, I figured out a way to keep Zam alive for so long without food or water or nutrient.. Irkens n their PAKs can go into a hibernation like the Wolly Bear Caterpillars.. Who freeze in winter, zero body functions, meaning they are essential dead n not using any resources.. He could be down there for eons without actual death.

I figure the smallest PAK function would be scan the area for other PAKs.. So Zam can one day escape. N his PAK senses my Irkens PAK n - that's as far as I have thought.

Just know Zam is going have to deal with my Irkens PTSD n emotional moments.. Being back in a dungeon all over.. being on irk around other irkens.. woo so many triggers. There might be even moments Zam will halve to talk my irken down from attempted murder as zones n blacks out from bounty of animalistic fear. (But, l figured he's not all stupid n excited puppy scientist. He's got lots of sides to him, especially, if he's going to be able to take care of Zim. So, he should do fine with this.)

I think I covered everything. Sorry about mistakes, I'm super nervous, hard writing this on a phone n I didn't write everything down. If there are more questions about the story or my Irken or any concerns in general, please ask. Oh, utccitcut n my OC Irkens name is Kravis or Krais as an Elite Invader it was SIVARK or SIARK (Still unsure about the missing irken letters in their language.)

----------------------------

This sounds interesting so far(i have a different idea for the whole zam au thing, but I'll allow anyone to make up scenarios with my oc, its sounds cool)

[justherejusttherejusteverywhere]

He tries to confront the clone and he has no idea who he is or what he wants, so he thinks the guy must have amnesia too?? He thinks there a twins or something maybe. That would explain it? And then he sees a group of five clones and just quits xD

Qui-Gon was The Original Trouble then xD He taught Obi-Wan everything, who tried not to teach Anakin who then definitely taught Ahsoka xD The whole line is A MessTM

The clones on a mass call "Have you heard what General Skywalker did in the 24 hours since our last call?" Everyone groans because Rex will not shut iup for two hours xD

Oh good! I know they made an announcement with several series but I didn't pay attention to it. The Obi-Wan series hasn't officially been conffirmed yet (as far as I know, but I definitely rely on other people to tell me new Star Wars news at this point xD), but it has beenn hinted at and there are some pictures of Ewan McGregor on the set, so I guess they will annouce it eventually.

I see you saw the episodes with Boba :D HE IS SO SMOL AND HE IS RIGHT I WANT TO ADOPT HIM. I mean, I was mad too when Jango died! And that shortly after Zam died!

Straight up takes the hat off his head, throws it to ground with the new revelations and horrified embarrassment knowing there was least a dozen clones out there now who all shared the same story of this crazy guy swearing he knew them XD

A Big Mess Tm lmao! I feel like other jedi either love hearing the newest thing that one got into as their only form of entertainment or absolutely hate them with a passion.

They hear when one has a particularly rough mission and end up sending gifts to that clone in shipments meant to be sent to that ship, all other clones knowing where to take the packages found inside the crates when unpacking them too

Hopefully it is confirmed! I'd be curious if Maul would take place or this be set even earlier or something!

I finished that season and he is so smoll and angry djdidieidi Like I didn't blame him for being pissed after looking up the scene, Windu straight up killed his father in FRONT OF HIM?!!? and thought nothing of 'oh hey, maybe I should find his kid i know is here?' And instead just left Boba with Dooku/ whoever was left in area essentially???? I??? THE HELL???? I am so proud of him for taking down the whole ship for revenge though, it's the funniest scene to me along with a certain droid playing interference on the crashed ship LOL

I wish the clones were slightly more mad with the whole situation or like someone have a 'that's fucked up, Windu' SOMETHING. we had such possibilites too with this! Boba could have met some old batchmates (I dont know if its ever told how he specifically was made, if alone or in group where Jango picked him but I imagine group made and in tube Jango picked Boba) who were older due to aging thing. Could have had the younger clones keep Bobas truth a secret in the ranks that's unnoticeable until someone notices something off, or even a older clone realize truth (maybe one from reactor scene? Ponds if he hadn't been killed, etc) and hide his secret! I do enjoy thought of Jango having enough respected associates in the Bounty Hunting field that when news reach of Jango's death with nothing on Boba they all realize the kid is somewhere out there alone and try finding him as way to fulfill favors that Jango gained over years from folks since they didn't like having unfinished business technically even if other party is dead.

[synthsizedproductions]

The Conspiracy

"Zam?" I lightly knocked on my friend's door, but didn't wait for an answer. Xamber often ended up taking a nap after classes whether he intended to do so or not. Sometimes I envied his ability to just fall asleep. I became concerned when I saw Xamber sitting on the edge of his bed and staring out the window with haunted eyes. 

"Zamber?" It was like he hadn't heard me. I sat next to Zamber as Kolyver closed the door behind us. Zamber jumped when I touched his hand and turned his gaze toward me. 

It seemed to take him a moment to reorient himself. "Hey. Sorry. I zoned out." His voice was as haunted as his eyes.

Kolyver pulled Xamber's desk chair over and sat in it backwards. "You okay, bud? You look pretty pale."

Xamber looked down at his beaten up shoes. "I don't know. Is anything okay anymore?"

I tried to get his attention back on me. "I know what's happening in the Omega Sectors is frightening, but why has it affected you so much? We don't even know anyone way out there."

He shook his head, tears forming in his eyes as he looked back at me. "I knew it was going to happen. I knew it was going to happen and I could do nothing to stop it."

Kolyver and I exchanged confused frowns. Kolyver leaned their arms on the chair's back. "How could you have known, Xam?"

"I had a dream about it. I saw the explosions. I heard the screams. I felt the heat of the flames. I should have said something to someone."

I wrapped a comforting arm around my friend. "Are you talking about the dream you were having when I woke you up?" He nodded as tears streamed down his face. "Xamber, that was less than an hour before the instructor was told what happened. Even if you had said something, it would have been too late to stop. You don't have to bear the burden of this."

"I could feel their pain, Mae. It burned inside me. I can't make the burning stop." Xamber quietly sobbed and leaned his head on my shoulder. 

I ran my fingers through his close cropped purple hair. "Everything will be okay, Xam. Do you want to talk to one of the house admins about your vision?"

Kolyver shook their head. "I think that's a bad idea, Mae. Have they ever believed to any of the other dreams Xamber has told them? No. Not once."

Xamber sat up and wiped his damp face on his sleeve. "Kolyver is right, Mae. Admin Sullivan told me they would send me for reeducation next time I brought her one of my tall tales as she calls them."

I held in my anger. "Of course she did. There couldn't possibly be a less harmful way of handling oddities." The sarcasm in my voice was bitter. I'd seen too many kids sent away to the government facilities.

Xamber looked out the window as the artificial light dimmed to simulate what we could only guess was sundown. None of us had ever seen the sun much less a sunset. No one still alive had seen the real light of day. "We have to do something."

I blinked at him in confusion. "And what do you propose we do? It isn't that I don't want to help the Omega residents, but that's pretty far for three teenagers to get authorization to travel. Besides, it was just a system malfunction. The maintenance crews will handle everything."

"What if it wasn't just a tragic accident?"

I stared at my friend's dead serious expression. "What are you talking about?"

Xamber stood and moved to his window, leaning on the sill and staring intently into the distance. "What if it was done on purpose?"

I stood next to him and tried to figure out what he was fixated on without luck. "Why would anyone do that kind of thing on purpose? Hundreds of people lost their lives."

Xamber shook his head. "I don't know. All I know is the explosions I saw didn't look like an accident. What in the air system would actually combust on its own? The processors are nowhere near any of the colonies on purpose."

I crossed my arms, uncomfortable with Xamber's logic. "But to what end?"

"Class warfare."

I turned to look at Kolyver who had gotten to their feet. "What?"

Kolyver glared at the door. "Think about it. Why are only the outer colonies experiencing water and food shortages? Why hasn't more been done to help them? Because the people up top don't want anything done. Fewer people, more resources for those that remain."

I fussed with my braid. "Even if you're both right, what do you think we can do?"

Xamber resumed his intense gaze into the middle distance. "I don't know, but we have to do something."

I took Xamber and Kolyver's hands in mine. "How about we go get dinner and talk about this later?" I pulled my reluctant friends from Xamber's room, trying not to dwell too much on the conspiracy theory they were forming.

[zylian]

There’s this whole au I don’t want to fully write out so heres the gist:

the adventure of necromancer Parrot on his way to everyone’s soul resting ground to wake them up for a new season of lifesteal

I have this headcannon that Parrot when starting a new season of lifesteal just goes walking into a grave yard and choosing the most appealing tomb stone to resurrect

everyone was originally dead and are just really extravagant souls that get waken up cause necromancer Parrot wanted to play a game

Some people had entire lands dedicated for their soul to rest and Parrot just stumbles inside having no idea where he is other than the place looks cool

The ever so blinding light of zams tomb stone vs the absolute ordinary chipped terrains tomb stone that sits on plains

Poafas sits on a mountain above the clouds and has the most magnificent view one can see

ashswag was shocked since his grave was literally in a cursed land filled with misery and when he asked parrot all he said was “that place was cursed???”

Funny part is the completely not on purpose waking was Rekraps, a single flower planted near a tree that parrot plucked

Subz’s grave is in a tiny pot on the windowsill of a creaky small tower that somehow parrot wanted to use to keep the flower so he woke Subz soul in exchange (Subz doesn’t know why Parrot wouldn’t just make a new pot for it)

Mapiccs grave always changes but he is someone that gets found easily, he is always one of the first 5 people Parrot finds

Forced to tag along he complains how Reddoons quite literally has acres of land and there’s no way there finding his grave through all that (spoiler there is a huge sign that points to it)

Parrot continues to wake everyone up and takes like forever getting to place to place so it’s just a 1-2 month road trip visiting and collecting everyone before they go murder each other on the new server

Ta Da 🎉 Necromancer Parrot au

[crystal-siren]

Other Worlds (Obi-Wan x Reader) Pt.2

@dovies666 :) <3

Part 1

“I know you’re not supposed to look to other people to save you, but whenever I’m around you, the world becomes simple. My moods lift and the skies shift from the smoke and smog to the softest blue. I know I’m meant to save myself, but the fact is, with you, I don’t have to.” ~ Beau Taplin // The Softest Blue

The Coruscant night-life was never something that had ever particularly appealed to Obi-Wan. The constant pulsing lights almost drove him to distraction. Instead, he chose to focus on catching up to Anakin after he had impulsively jumped from their speeder while a good 30 storeys above ground level.

With his Padawan’s errant lightsaber in one hand, Obi-Wan soon spotted his apprentice.

“She went into the club, Master,” Anakin spoke upon noticing Obi-Wan. He pointed to the club entrance in illustration. They had been chasing Padme’s would-be assassin for what felt like the entire night. Anakin’s decision to jump from their speeder onto her’s, had led them here.

“Patience. Use the Force. Think,” Obi-Wan had lost count of the times he had reminded Anakin of this.

“Sorry, Master,” Anakin replied, trying to keep the adrenaline rushing through his system under control. He was impatient to find out just who was behind the assassination attempts.

“She went in there to hide,” Obi-Wan could clearly see his Padawan’s eagerness and impatience. “Not to run.”

“Yes, Master,” he was struggling to keep still.

All of a sudden, his view was obstructed by Obi-Wan holding his lightsaber, the very same one that had flown from his grasp just a short while ago. “Next time try not to lose it.”

Trying not to appear too relieved at having it back, Anakin nodded. “Yes, Master.”

“This weapon is your life,” Obi-Wan emphasized, hoping the message would get through to his headstrong apprentice.

Taking his weapon back, Anakin followed his Master into the club. “I try, Master.”

~ ~ ~

She had to inform the Council. That was the only thing Y/N knew for certain. Her disbelieving eyes followed row after row of white, armour-clad soldier.

Reaching for her utility belt, she found it to be empty and that her lightsaber was missing. Trying hard to stay calm, Y/N took a series of deep shuddering breaths. This couldn’t be happening.

“Lost something?” A refined voice shook her from her panicked state.

Looking in the direction of the speaker, Y/N came face-to-face with an elderly man who seemed vaguely familiar. Although, she could not quite place where she had seen him before.

“You know,” the man stepped forward and began to circle her. “A Jedi, such as yourself ought to be more vigilant.”

Then it slammed into her. She knew this voice, she had heard it not an hour ago. Now she had a face, but not name. “Who are you? Why am I here?” She saw no point in wasting any time.

The man stopped his circling and came to a stop in front of her. His smile was unpleasant and put Y/N on edge. “Come now young one. There is no need for that.”

Y/N ground her teeth at the title. She hated it when people called her that. Lifting her chin, she looked him straight in the eye. “What do you want from me?”

The man smiled again and Y/N really wished he wouldn’t. “You have a gift young Y/N. The gift of knowing what the future holds.”

“Gift?” She stared at him incredulously. “I would hardly call it that and,” she narrowed her eyes at him, “how do you even know my name? Or about this supposed ‘gift’ of mine.”

“The Council doesn’t believe you do they?”

He was beginning to really get on her nerves. What was he playing at? Why wasn’t he answering her questions? Just who was he anyway?

Her e/c eyes remained as slits as she shook her head. “No.”

“Good.” His answer startled her.

“Pardon?”

That irksome and unnerving smile faded a little and became a smirk. “I’m counting on that.”

Y/N opened her mouth to ask for clarification when she felt two strong pairs of hands take hold of her arms. Before she could turn to see just who it was, a sharp prick in her neck distracted her. Turning her attention back to the man, she asked, “what was that?” Her imagination began to run wild with possibilities.

She received no answer, or at least, none that she could hear. Her vision soon swam before her world went black.

~ ~ ~

Something was wrong. Obi-Wan felt it as soon as Zam Wesell died in front of them. It wasn’t her death, nor the strange shaped dart he found lodged in her neck.

“Master?” Anakin’s voice brought him out of his thoughts. “Is everything alright?”

“Perfectly, thank you Anakin,” Obi-Wan replied, looking down at the dart he held. This could be the key to finding the true assassin’s identity. But there was something else that didn’t feel quite right, something Obi-Wan could not quite put his finger on. “You have to get back to the Senator.” His eyes met his Padawan’s surprised ones.

“Don’t you mean, we have to get back to the Senator?”

“No,” Obi-Wan shook his head, “I have to get back to the Temple and see just where this,” he held up the dart for Anakin to see, “came from.” And find out what else was going on. There had been a shift in the Force, and not a good one. Before his apprentice could launch any further protests, he disappeared into the crowd.

Anakin stared after his Master. This behaviour was new and unusual and Anakin wasn’t sure if he liked it. Sighing heavily, he stood up and brushed himself off before heading off to find a speeder that would take him back to Padme.

~ ~ ~

Upon arriving at the Temple, Obi-Wan headed straight to the Analysis Archives. He hoped to find some much-needed answers there. These hopes were soon shattered when the Analysis droids could give him no definitive answer.

More than slightly annoyed, he left the Archives but soon came to a halt as another possibility entered his mind.

It did not take him long to locate the diner in which his besalisk friend worked as it’s chef. His arrival was announced by the droid waitress who rolled into view. “Someone to see you honey,” her high voice was loud enough for the whole planet to hear her. “Jedi by the looks of him.”

Obi-Wan couldn’t help but smile when he saw his friend’s scaly head poke out of the kitchen. “Hello Dex.”

“Take a seat. I’ll be right with you,” the besalisk said by way of greeting.

Having accepted the waitress’s offer of Jawa juice, Obi-Wan did just that, before getting up shortly after to officially greet his friend.

Sitting down in a nearby booth, Obi-Wan showed the mysterious dart to his companion, who eyed it curiously. “Would you happen to know where that came from?” He dared not raise his hopes.

Dex, however, knew exactly where it came from. “This baby belongs to them cloners. What you have here is a Kamino Sabredart.”

Obi-Wan’s eyes lit up at this information. But he soon turned thoughtful, “I wonder why it didn’t show up in the Analysis Archives.”

Dex chuckled at his friend’s confusion. “It's these funny little cuts on the side that give it away.” He pointed them out to Ob-Wan who nodded, still thinking. “Those analysis droids only focus on symbols. Huh! I should think that you Jedi would have more respect for the difference between knowledge and... heh heh heh... wisdom.”

At this remark, Obi-Wan grinned and took the dart back. “Well if droids could think, there'd be none of us here, would there?” He preferred the living and breathing over the cold mechanic nature of droids. Upon further inspection of the dart, another thought entered his mind. “Kamino. I’m not familiar with it. Is it in the Republic?”

Dex shook his head. “No. It’s beyond the Outer Rim. I’d say about 12 parsecs outside the Rishi Maze. Should be easy to find.” He shot his friend a sly look, “even for those droids in your Archives.” Leaning in close, he spoke in a slightly quieter tone. “These Kaminoans, keep to themselves. They’re cloners, dead good ones too.”

All this new information made Obi-Wan think he was finally getting somewhere. “Cloners,” he said thoughtfully, “are they friendly?”

Dex grinned, showing two rows of sharp teeth. “That depends.”

“Depends on what Dex?” His companion asked, smiling.

“On how good your manners are,” the large alien chuckled, “and how big your, uh, pocketbook is.”

Shaking his head, Obi-Wan couldn’t help but laugh. But this was good, this wealth of information meant he was finally making some headway. There was just one last piece of business, getting there.

~ ~ ~

Staring at the screen, Obi-Wan began to wander if he was imagining things. He had entered the coordinates digit for digit, but the Kamino system did not show up. Even when he had requested the help of the Jedi Archivist Jocasta Nu, nothing had come up.

There were only two people who could help him with this and one of them he had not recently seen around the Temple. Had the Council given Y/N a mission? But surely she would have told him if they had. Her mysterious absence only served to confuse and worry him further.

Having no other choice, Obi-Wan made his way over to one of the Temples smaller training salles. The ones used for the youngllings. Before he entered, he could clearly hear Master Yoda gently instructing a group of children.

Upon noticing his presence, Yoda paused in his teaching and introduced Obi-Wan to the group. Their chorus of, “hello Master Kenobi,” made him smile before turning to Yoda and proceeded to explain his reason for coming.

“Mmm. Lost a planet, Master Obi-Wan has, How embarrassing. How embarrassing,” the Jedi Grand Master chuckled before becoming serious. “Find it, we will try.”

Obi-Wan nodded in thanks before placing a holographic planet-reader on small stand in the centre of the now darkened room. In an instant a miniature holographic model of the galaxy appeared. Pointing to Kamino’s coordinates, he explained his problem. “This is where it ought to be, but it isn't. Gravity is pulling all the stars in this area inward to this spot. There should be a star here, but there isn't.”

Yoda nodded thoughtfully before speaking. “Gravity’s silhouette remains, but the star and all its planets have disappeared. How can this be?” Silence answered him as everyone tried to think of how this could possibly have happened.

The silence was broken by a young boy, “because someone erased it from the archive memory.” Obi-Wan glanced at the child and smiled slightly.

Yoda was equally as impressed and delighted in his pupil. “Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is. Uncluttered. To the center of the pull of gravity go, and find your wayward planet you will.”

Nodding his thanks, Obi-Wan paused at the entrance of the salle. “But Master Yoda, who could have erased information from the archives? That's impossible, isn't it?”

His colleague seemed to agree. “Only a Jedi could have erased those files.” He frowned in thought. “Much harder to answer, that question is.”

Obi-Wan, satisfied turned to leave when Yoda’s voice stopped him. “Something else on your mind have you?”

Knowing that concealing the truth would do him no good, the younger Jedi nodded. “Yes Master. I felt something. I felt something shift within the Force.”

Yoda eyed him curiously before speaking. “Right you are to worry Master Kenobi. Felt that shift too, I did.”

Obi-Wan didn’t know whether to feel relieved or troubled. “What do you believe it is Master?”

“Unclear it’s nature is,” Yoda murmured. “But meditate on it, I will.”

Nodding thoughtfully, Obi-Wan considered leaving it at that. But worry for his friend got the better of him. “Master? Have you by any chance,” he paused and took a deep breath, hoping to appear calm. “Seen or come across Y/N today?”

Yoda’s green eyes met his sea-shaded ones. Silence hung between them for a short while before Yoda shook his head. “Absent she has been. Longer than usual. Strange that is, for her.”

“Strange?” Obi-Wan cocked his head to the side in thought. His friend had not exactly been the same since her injury but he wouldn’t go so far as to call her strange.

“Indeed,” Yoda agreed, interrupting Obi-Wan’s train of thought.

“How so?”

“Take her ship, she did not. In the Temple, seen her, no one has, for two days.”

This news was not the kind Obi-Wan had been expecting. “Is it possible that she borrowed someone else’s craft?”

Yoda shook his head. Obi-Wan knew better than anyone Y/N’s attachment to her ship.

“Taken she was. In grave danger she is.”

Obi-Wan looked down at the Grand Master, praying that he had misheard. But the look in Yoda’s eyes confirmed what he had heard him say. “Taken? By whom?” He tried not to sound too desperate and to keep a tight rein on his emotions.

“Cloaked, her attacker was.” Yoda leaned heavily on his stick and he suddenly looked his age. “Difficult to find, they will be. Focus on Kamino, you must Obi-Wan.”

The younger Jedi nodded wordlessly. Bowing respectfully, he turned and retreated down the vast hallway. Could it be possible that Padme’s would-be assassin had targeted Y/N as well? This thought fueled his determination and steered him towards the Temple’s hanger bay, where sure enough, her ship waited patiently.

To be continued...

Part 3

[actuallylorelaigilmore]

the ultimate citation list for Schneider of ODAAT, volume 1

A reference collection of quotes and details, organized chronologically, for the first 26 episodes of One Day At A Time. Used to create this character guide.

“Can you believe it's only been 10 months since you moved in? I remember 'cause I got my five year sober chip and your mom baked me that cake. I enjoyed watching you guys eat it." 1x01

"You're 40 and you look stupid." “I'll have you know, I was invited to several Pride parades." 1x01

Uses a “very expensive” Damascus steel hammer. 1x01

"I've been doing some outreach down at the rec center, talking to at-risk youth. You guys wanna start takin' bets? Actually, scratch that. I'm addicted to gambling.” 1x01

"Love isn't even real. It's just something your nanny says sometimes to your dad." 1x02

"Hey, I may have money in the bank and two living parents, and four living stepmothers but there is a hole in here. We never had family meals. I ate alone in front of the TV. Oh, don't get me wrong. It was a massive TV. Sometimes my nanny would join me, but only if I agreed to watch telenovelas. This one time, Rosa got jealous of the housekeeper 'cause she was makin' a move on her man, so she threatened to throw live scorpions on her while she slept. Rosa was my nanny. Ex-nanny. Now, stepmother." 1x03

[Lydia and Pen fighting] “It's startin' to feel kinda like home in here.” 1x03

Schneider cooks fancy hipster food. "Nutted quinoa, wilted broccolini with radish micro-greens, and venison carpaccio on a bed of nettles. Grab a cedar plank and dig in." 1x04

"Always interesting to be the sober one at a dinner party." 1x05

"I immigrated here illegally. I'm a Canadian. But yeah, born in the 'Couve, overstayed my student visa, forced to live in the shadows of Pepperdine University. Anyway, it's fine now. My lawyers made it all okay." 1x05

Uses sheet masks, knows about chauffeurs, butlers, estates. 1x06

“The kids barely touched my black olive tapenade.” “Thanks for helping out, but maybe next time pick a food a kid would wanna eat or has heard of.” “Yeah, and maybe next time, don't hand out masks with my face on them.” 1x07  

"The members of my college band have finally put aside our differences and we're reuniting to play at the fair this afternoon. My band, Full Sail, plays yacht rock. These guys were like family. I used to show up at their dorm rooms unannounced and just hang out for hours and hours and hours." 1x07

"We were setting up for the show and our keytarist threw a decorative anchor at me. This is why Full Sail broke up in the first place. Too many passionate personalities." 1x07

Has a magnifying glass in his costume trunk. 1x07

"I know nothing about my grandparents and I never will. And they live in Pasadena!" (but he goes to 'the depot' in Pasadena) 1x09

"I have never seen such un-professionalism. This is why I don't work!" 1x09

"I need to find a new place to get my eyebrows threaded." 1x10

Has a safe. 1x10

"Well, Father believed it's best to have this kinda discussion in a car because you don't have to make eye contact. Plus, you're traveling in the same direction, which fosters intimacy. So we're in the Bentley with our chauffeur, Paco. Father said it's time to have the talk. We came to the next stoplight. He hopped out, Paco told me everything." 1x10

"I didn't get the period talk till I was 12. Paco just called it 'Shark Week.'" 1x10

"When I was a kid, there was an adult section in the back of the video store. Behind the beads. I'd always chicken out and just rent a Jane Fonda workout tape. Still worked. Still works." 1x10

"You'd be surprised how many of my hookups started with 'Ugh!' ...When I was 15, I told Father I wanted to be a professional tap dancer. He laughed. It was that lack of support that contributed to my drinking and drug problem. Oh, do you find that amusing? Because 15-year-old Schneider's drinking peach schnapps out of an unused tap shoe right now." 1x11

"You have a girl over here and you were offering to have sex with me?" - "Yes, Penelope. That's the kind of friend I am." 1x11

"My dad never came to my games. All he ever did was put me through rehab six times and buy me this building." 2x01

"Maroon 5 is the best." 2x01

"Okay, I decided to take a break from dating. See, I realized that women were just another one of my addictions, like alcohol, drugs, gambling, cigarettes, snow globes. The point is, I've broken the cycle of addiction with spinning. Five hours a day, every single day. I have to do it! Plus, it's the perfect substitute for dating, 'cause it burns a lot of energy and also numbs my junk!" 2x02

“Snow globes? Is this one of our family?” 2x02

"I come over, tell him to do stuff to me, he does it, I go home. You should get one." "I think what Nikki was kinda dancing around is that you don't always have to have a relationship with a capital "R." Sometimes all you need is what the great poets of the Renaissance called a junk buddy." "Exactly. You don't even have to like them." 2x03

"See, the great thing about having a green card is you get to live here without having to do all the stuff Americans have to, like vote or serve jury duty or become obese."

"Okay, but at least you vote in Canadian elections." "Mmm. No. Even in Canada, nothing ever changes. Clean air, sensible gun control, free health care. The system's rigged." 2x04

Can picture himself “doing it” with Elizabeth Warren, was Stephen Hawking for Halloween. 2x04

"You have to pay taxes with a green card? I just texted my accountant, and he said 'cause I'm in the highest income bracket, I don't have to pay taxes." 2x04

Keeps on hand: panic room, gas mask, water purification pills, MREs, enough cash to get to Cape Verde by boat. Followed Max on Instagram. Would be honored to be Penelope's maid of honor. 2x05

"I'm very patriotic. Look in that basket. There's a bald eagle thong." 2x06

All Elena's video game equipment belongs to him. 2x06

"Penelope, tell my third stepmother I loved her! Not the second one, though. She was kind of a jerk." 2x06

"Hummer limo's downstairs. My third stepmother used to take me to the racetrack to spy on Father. For the longest time, I thought she was saying, 'Your father is with Rebecca, that horse!' It's like I'm back at the racetrack with my stepmom. What's next? Throw a mint julep in his face?” 2x07

"I love Cuba! I've been there four times. Property manager, job's just temporary. My father owns the building. I'm really a musician. Play a lot of rap-rock-ska. I'm like a male Gwen Stefani. When you're hiring a nanny, make sure she's not too hot. That's how I met my fifth mom. I had four nannies and look at the results." 2x08

Did not speak a word of Spanish when he first met them, is interested in single moms. 2x08

"If you joined an adult kickball team after saying you were too busy to join mine, you are on a long road to forgiveness." 2x09

"Your idea of stress is when your chest-waxer goes out of town." "Roberto is the only one who doesn't make it sting!" 2x09

"I shouldn't have to need these either, but I do. To see. So it's Fourth of July, 2011. I'd been sober for a while, so I thought I'd celebrate with a beer. Woke up three days later in an alley. Then the bowling ball hit me. I was in the gutter for a long time. It's really slippery without the shoes. That was the day I truly accepted that I can't have alcohol or drugs, ever. Not a beer, not a glass of wine, not even six hits of acid at a Grateful Dead show, no matter how well it makes me dance. I kinda get where you're coming from. There's something I want that I can't have for the rest of my life." 2x09

He and Pen are best friends. Also considers Max his bestie. Wants to Netflix and chill with them both, together. 2x09

"My abuelita used to put Vicodin in her coffee. And her lemonade and her sandwiches. Maybe she had a problem. As my father said to me on my ninth birthday, 'You don't need me anymore.' I use my garage for pickling and sea horse breeding." 2x10

Loves puns. "This is Elena Alvarez, my handyman mentee. Or handy-manatee." "The toilet is a cruel mistress. She is flush with complications." 2x10

"Herb and Sherb McGurb. Her real name is Sheryl, but she gets a kick out of Sherb." 2x10

"Bonsai's for dorks. This is penjing. The gentle Chinese art of tray scenery. Now that you're working for me, I finally have some leisure time." "Oh, look, there's little people. Wait, is that my family?" "Could be any Cuban family." 2x10

"I may only look two or three years older than you, but I have the wisdom of that ancient bonsai!" 2x10

"Always take the lemonade. That's Handyman 101! So you watched Jeopardy with them and then what? Well, now we know what your problem is! You fixed their toilet, but you didn't fix their souls. Elena, growing up, I had everything. But I was always alone. I don't want my tenants to feel that way, so I do more than just fix stuff. Apartment 306, macrame with Mrs. Watson. 201, lose at chess to Mr. Roth. 402, listen to all their Cuban nonsense. That's the job. That's what takes four hours. That's the difference between being a handyman and a super." 2x10

Has heard 'you're fired' a lot. 2x10

"After a grueling 30 minutes of thought, Nikki, will you be my starter wife? You're on the rebound. That's the best time to get married. You don't have time to think. So you were never thinking about me? My emotions? My feelings? You used me, Nikki, Finn's mom! And not in the way I like! And that's not all, Sister Barbara. We knew each other. Biblically. And while we were doing it, she took the Lord's name in vain. A lot!" 2x11

"Last night, I was testing the pH of the water in my seahorse ranch and, as I looked at those vomiting little guys, I realized I suck at tests. All tests. Drug, sobriety, vision, IQ, smog. You name it, I fail it!" 2x12

"Have you ever been arrested?” “Does public nudity at a hockey game count?” “There is, uh, no mention of a public nudity charge in your file.” “Oh, you just go to YouTube and type in 'Zam-boner.'" 2x12

"Yeah, they didn't specifically ask if I got drunk and tried to ride a moose, so after that I was golden." 2x12

"How important is having kids to you?" "Never really thought about it." 2x12

"I'll have you know I babysat my babysitter's kids while she was babysitting my dad, so, yeah, I got a little experience under my belt. Oh, it's my cousin Gordy. He still thinks I'm full-on Canadian. All right, good news is Gordo bought it. Bad news is I'm judging a poutine festival in Saskatoon next week." 2x12

"You're the single greatest mother I know." "Thank you. That means a lot coming from a guy with five moms." 2x12

"Fuzzy Afghan she likes, picture of the Pope, picture of a different Pope, picture of your dad, picture of the family, picture of me with the family, picture of me by a waterfall. I'm just gonna keep talking 'cause I'm not good in crisis situations." 2x13

"It's so crazy how we're both immigrants. I mean, I would never compare my story to yours, but the parallels are spooky. You were 18, I was 18. You left your family behind. I left four step-families, a maid, a butler, a chauffeur, and a horse groomer who really got me. But Father was expanding his business to the US and so I had to go. I remember, at the airport, I was crying. But Father put his arm around me and he said, 'Son, only losers cry.' So that was a long flight. You don't know how dirty a dirty look can get until you're crying for a whole plane ride and you're not a baby. I really didn't wanna be in America. So I drank. And I recreated the snowy plains of Canada with cocaine. I'm told I attended classes at Pepperdine University, but I will have to take that on faith. So, I'm in a detox center in El Segundo. This was my fourth rehab. My re-re-re-rehab. I thought I'd been doing a kickass job keeping my drug stuff a secret from all the tenants and then you showed up in my room at that clinic. You brought me sopa de pollo and said it's Cuban penicillin. You told me, 'You eat this, you get some sleep, and tomorrow, you try again.' And then you tucked me in and kissed me good night on my forehead. Forehead kisses are wildly underrated. Just something really comforting about 'em. Then again, it might just be you. Dad never did that. Or my horse groomer. After I got out of rehab, I started hanging around your apartment a lot more, 'cause it helped. Back then, it must have felt like you had this annoying, intrusive guy over. Not like now. 'Cause now you're my family. Don't worry. I haven't legally changed my last name to Alvarez. My lawyer said it was a whole thing, so... Anyway, Pen said no crying, so I'm not gonna. Actually, for once, I agree with Father. Only losers cry. And we're not losing anybody today. Let's hit that oath ceremony soon, okay?" 2x13

[cecilspeaks]

115 - Council Member Flynn, Part 2

Paint a picture. It’ll last longer. Welcome to Night Vale.

Councilwoman Tamika Flynn announced this week that she got a new dog. It’s her 17th birthday in just ac ouple of weeks, so her Dad DeAngelo Flynn said she could adopt a puppy. They went to the Night Vale Animal Shelter and Discount Tire Shop. Tamika thought about this sweetheart pitbull named Rosie, but worried about the need to walk and exercise such an active dog regularly. Same with the Blue Heeler mix named Hydrant. The shelter manager suggested a German Shepard named Vincent, but DeAngelo said no daughter of his would have a German Shepherd. He added that even the German Shepherds with all of their hateful teeth and ignorant rage could not save us from the robot uprising. Tamika said she wanted a smaller dog anyway, and she settled on a Pomeranian, whom she has named Lucky. She brought Lucky to City Hall. Standing atop the front steps of the building Tamika, wearing a long black coat adorned with chevrons, a Sheriff’s badge, infantry cords and little flanks of uncooked beef, held Lucky proudly above her head, the way a person who just got a new car might hold it above their head.

Lucky is a light brown dust bunny with hollow yellow eyes and a shrieking little laugh of a bark. Ah, a real cutie! Happy early birthday, Councilwoman Flynn!

An update on the recent spate of robberies and the related deaths of Tristan and Camilla Cortez. The Secret Police have no new leeds toward suspects, but since the 8 PM curfew has gone into effect, there have been no robberies or major crimes of any kind. They have arrested six people in the last two days for being out after 8 PM. But those people were all angels, who were unaware of the curfew and were just walking around trying to ask people for ten bucks. Now that acknowledging of angels is legal in Night Vale, the angels have been making a fortune, by just asking people for cash they don’t actually need, because they’re billionaires. But people are so happy to be able to acknowledge them that it’s worth the few bucks the angels are asking for.

And now sports. The Night Vale Scorpions wheelchair basketball team lost the state pre-season tournament last weekend 81-72 to the Pine Cliff Lizard Monitors. Pine Cliff forward Helen King led all scores with 30, and Night Vale point guard Janice Palmer set a state record in assists, with 22. 22 assists in a game, that’s empirically the most helpful game a Night Vale player has ever had. Y’all, Janice is my niece.

It’s a shame to lose, but it is only the pre-season. There is still a chance to win the division. Unfortunately, I heard from Janice’s dad Steve that Janice is not handling the loss very well. Steve said Janice works really hard to get assists, because she wants to be a leader to help other people score the points, and even though she set a state record in assists, they still lost. Steve said Janice is working even harder on her passing skills and on running the high pick and roll, which is a basketball term that Steve explained to me, and I knew I wouldn’t understand it, so I wrote down what Steve said verbatim. Let’s see. Here’s what he said a “high pick and roll” was. Quote: “So the defender’s guarding, right? Like this! And then an offensive player comes over here like whoosh! And then the ball handler goes like zam! And then they go all and then, whoom!” Well. Best of luck in the regular season, Janice.

Michelle Nguyen, owner of Dark Owl Records, said that her store was robbed several weeks ago, during the height of the robbery spree. She remembers a person coming in wearing a mask, holding a gun, and smelling like fertilizer. They asked for gas, and Michelle gave the thief a velvet sack full of Item nr 4 bank-run gravel, which is her preferred currency these days. The robber then grabbed a stack of LP’s from the new release section and left. Michelle said she didn’t report the robbery because she didn’t really feel like it was a robbery. “It’s not like anyone listens to music anymore,” she said. “Music is dead! If they had stolen the sound of traffic and sirens and low-flying aircraft, I would have felt truly violated. But who’s gonna miss Keith Urban on vinyl?” Michelle added that everything is music and music is nothing. And then she closed the store for the day to go shout poems at passing trains with her friend Maureen.

Tamika Flynn and her new dog, Lucky, have been making appearances across town at local businesses assuring the owners that the town is safe. In addition to her dark coat with its many pins and stripes and medals and cow flesh, Tamika has begun wearing leather riding boots, a tricorn and spike studded knuckle rings. She’s really taken to the politics of her job, bringing along a camera crew to record these positive interactions with her constituents. It should be noted that there have never been elections for City Council in our town’s history. Even Tamika joined the Council through coercion, not campaigning. Perhaps this isn’t just a photo op, perhaps she really does care about the wellbeing of each of her citizens. She might be my new favorite Council member.

Frances Donaldson, owner of the Antiques Mall, said she was so happy to see Councilwoman Flynn in her store. Tamika shook her hand and told her everything would be OK, that she would not let anyone rob Frances of her antiques. “I mean these antiques are cursed as all getout. Anyone tries to touch one of these things, they’ll be living in a psychological terror-scape,” Donaldson said, “but it was nice of the young lady to say so.” Frances then sat by the window and thoughtfully watched the distant plane plass against the sky.

Liesel Schmidt, who owns the auto-body shop near Summerset and Gray, said Tamika stopped by her shop and told her all about how Tamika’s father worked at an automobile factory for decades, until he was laid off five years ago. He’s since run his own dent repair service. Liesel said Tamika really wanted to impress on her the importance of independently run businesses. “I like Tamika,” Schmidt said, “and her little dog too! He ate some of my socket wrench heads, which made him walk slow – ah, that made me laugh. He’s a good dog!”

Well, I’m certainly happy to see Tamika winning over the people of Night Vale. She’s done a lot for this town. But I know the curfew and travel stoppage has been a real strain. It’s good to see her out there, keeping our spirits up.

It’s time once again for Citizen Spotlight. Today’s Citizen Spotlight is on Megan Wallaby. Despite only being born four years ago, Megan just celebrated her 17th birthday this past spring, and will graduate Night Vale High School with honors next May. Megan enjoys athletics and biology classes, and hopes some day to run her own clinic. She wants to go to a university and major in physical therapy next fall, but she’s not sure where that will be just yet. Megan was also on my niece Janice’s basketball team and was the team’s leading scorer. But after the preseason tournament, she has decided to quit basketball to join Tamika Flynn’s Secret Citizens’ Secret Crime Patrol force. Megan never had an inclination toward law enforcement, but she’s not she can afford college. Even if she gets a scholarship, she says there are still books, dorms, food, beer, pet tarantulas, and clothes to buy. Her parents Tuck and Hershel can’t pay for any of that, so she is taking on part time work patrolling the streets after curfew. The team will miss you, Megan, but our streets are safer with you out there. This has been Citizen Spotlight.

A new report from the Mayor’s office shows a significant drop in crime the past two weeks, since Tamika Flynn took over the Secret Police. Councilwoman gave credit to Deputy Sheriff Sam, the entire police force including the Secret Police, Double Secret Police, Obvious Police and Dog Police, and even the Citizen Patrol Force for their extra efforts. Also Tamika said the bloodred buildings everyone helped paint look gorgeous and intimidating.

But it’s not all good news. The Mayor’s report shows a significant increase in traffic accidents, as the police are stretched so thin. Also, since most of the city’s resources are focused on stopping armed robberies of businesses, there have been unrepaired water main breakages, damaged street signs, and understaffed municipal offices. With few available funds and zero economic activity after 8 PM, city-run departments like the Hall of Public Records, the Public Library, and the abandoned mine shaft outside of town, sit empty most days. 

The Mayor’s office expressed concern in the deterioration of these buildings for lack of huge, not to mention the inconvenience their closures pose. “Councilwoman Flynn is a tough and decided leader, but how far must we push ourselves away from comfort in order to preserve safety?” Mayor Cardinal said. “Our infrastructure is at risk of erosion if we continue to ignore everything, except law and order. Our emotional health is at risk if we close ourselves off.”

And here the Mayor paused to take a bite of a whole fresh butternut squash. Or, as the Europeans call it, a “yam balloon”. She continued with her mouth full: “I ask Councilwoman Flynn to call back the rest of the City Council from wherever they are so we can hold an emergency meeting to explore better solutions toward reducing crime.”

Listeners, I agree with the Mayor. While I love that there have been no robberies or deaths or arsons in the past several weeks, I would also like to point out that a culprit has yet to surface. The police, under the control of Tamika Flynn, do not even have a suspect. Whoever has done this has certainly been stifled by the strict city ordinances, but how long must we continue hiding in our homes every evening? If the person who has committed these crimes is still in this city, they will certainly start robbing, and maybe even killing once again. Tamika refused the Mayor’s request, saying that the other City Council members do not do well under stress, and that they’ve never been of any help in situations like this. Tamika continued.. Oh! Oh, listeners, I – I’m sorry to break into my own story but I am getting reports that Deputy Sheriff Sam and their Secret Police are in a standoff in the Tepid Sands housing development at the intersection of Skillman Boulevard and Dubois Avenue. Shots have been fired, uh I’m going to find out and report further what is happening. But first, let me take you to the weather.

["TMI" by Josey joseyofficial.com]

The good news is that all of the police officers in this afternoon’s fracas are uninjured. The bad news is that two young women were severely wounded by a librarian. A librarian, in their own home! The girls, Lisa Robertson, 18, and her younger sister Marcia, 15, were at home quietly reading their new copies of Patricia Lockwood’s 2017 spectacularly crafted memoir “Priest Daddy”, when they heard a window shatter. A librarian had smelled the humorous and deft poetics of Lockwood’s impeccable writing and broke in to devour the readers of this sharp and emotional story of religion, family, and toxic masculinity. When the librarian found the two sisters, it attacked. It was not the Robertson sisters’ first fight against a librarian. They, along with Councilwoman Tamika Flynn, survived the summer reading program at the Night Vale Public Library three years ago. They nearly did not survive today’s attack.

It was thanks to Sheriff Sam’s quick response that police were able to stop the librarian from further damage. Unfortunately, the librarian, whose name was Dan McDowell, escaped police custody and is still on the loose.

Tamika Flynn, on behalf of the City Council, still away on vacation until this whole thing blows over, expressed sadness for her injured friends and fellow bibliophiles Lisa and Marcia. The Mayor doubled down on her earlier statements and blamed this tragic attack on a city-wide failure to pay for upkeep of municipal buildings. “There was no one there to lock the librarians’ cages, to feed them regularly,” the Mayor said. “As a city, it is our responsibility to protect life, yes, but also protect a life worth living.” Councilwoman Flynn thanked the Mayor for her comments, but then promptly called for a closing of the port authority. No ships in or out of town. Night Vale has no body of water to speak of, but the occasional freighter or cruise ship does arrive.

Flynn also moved curfew to 6 PM and said no one is allowed within 100 feet of the library, or any bookstore, for that matter. “These days my father only talks about the robot uprising,” Flynn said. “For a long time, I thought he was just being weird. There’s no robot uprising! I have seen advanced robotics, and those things can barely walk. Even my phone struggles to load a basic Google image search for “vaping sloths”. But what if there were robots we do not know about? Metaphorical robots. What if the things we cannot see, cannot predict? Why not be prepared to protect ourselves against –any- enemy?” She added her regret that people would not have access to books anymore, but added that maybe, the city should get everyone a nook. “Is nook still a thing?” Flynn added. “Whatever. Mayor Cardinal, let’s have the city buy everyone an e-reader.” Flynn concluded her speech with: “I know curfew is early, but curfew doesn’t apply to law enforcement. You’re all welcome to join my new Vigilante Citizen Squad. Help us beat the hell out of crime after dark!” Lucky laughed, or barked, it was unclear which, and they both left, Tamika’s spurs rattinglina dn long cape swithing.

The Mayor has appealed to the public for support, stating that once we have a full coroner’s report on the bodies of Tristan and Camilla Cortez, we can engage iun a true investigation, rather than martial law. But given Tamika’s success in eradication the robberies, most people still trust her ability to stop librarians. I mean, battling those things is her specialty. There’s no one better. I’m not really afraid of robbers who target businesses, I mean, who’s gonna hold up a radio station? Or a science lab, where my husband works? But if librarians start believing they can wander anywhere, attack anyone reading any old book by one of America’s foremost poets or word smiths, then they could attack me, or Carlos. Or Steve, or Abby, or Janice. I-I know it seems like I’m scared, but I’m not. Like you, I’m just – wary. Wary of lurking disaster. Plus there’s so much to keep me entertained at home after curfew. It’s not like the 1990’s when the only technology we had was putting on politically satirical puppet shows using rocks with cartoon faces drawn on them. It’s actually enjoyable to turn in early each night. I’ve got an Xbox, a VR helmet, some vegetation that is tootally legal, and Susan Wilman’s HBO Go password, which Steve gripped for me. It’s great!

I don’t know how long we ca keep this up,but for now, I just want to feel safe. Stay tuned next for.. wait, hold on. Oh.. I just received a fax that the coroner’s report has been completed, Night Vale and.. huh. Oh wow! Ooh, you’re not going to like this! You know what, let’s save it. 

it’s almost dark, Night Vale, curfew is almost upon us. This will pass as all things will pass. We’re in good hands in Tamika’s hands. If there’s anyone who knows how to protect us from librarians, she does.

Stay tuned next for the sound of two men cuddled up in bed watching the new season of Insecure.

And good night, Night Vale, Good night.  

Today’s proverb: Pull this lever. Don’t worry, you will never know the result.