#not in a way that envokes me as a gay

[architectureissofuckingawesome]

i’m so sane and normal

[chaosandstardust]

Taylor Swift: "Gay pride makes me, me."

You: "It absolutely does not."

The fact that you made me look up what that was...gloves are off. You're completely missing the point. You definitely were a Larry, weren't you?

I am literally not debating whether or not Taylor Swift is gay. She was just the example that lead to a train of thought I've been having for a while. That's not the point. She may very well be, and I literally do not care if she is. If that's something she wants to tell us one day, fine, great. to my knowledge, however, she is NOT and if she is, it's NOT MY BUSINESS.

The point is that people are taking her music and deciding she's queer from her music and then taking some small interview sound bites and going "SHE'S OBVIOUSLY GAY". She has not told us she is LGBTQ to my knowledge. She has not come out as queer. That is not a coming out. That is a freaking throwaway line when writing a song that is in her words for kids.

Apply this to any musician. Take Taylor Swift out of it.

My POINT IS is that people will have a different relationship with her music than she does. Her music is very intimate and beautiful and emotional, and that will envoke different responses from individuals. They will have different life experiences and they'll bring that to how they interpret the music. So yes, it makes sense that LGBTQ people would read LGBTQ themes into her music, but that doesn't mean that SHE IS LGBTQ.

When I first listened to Betty and Dorothea I did read a lot of queer meaning into it. That doesn't mean that Taylor intended it that way or that it was about her personal experiences. Which is fine, art should be engaged with separate from the artist. So yeah, I think that using her music and her creative process to discuss her sexuality is very invasive and weird. You're weird.

If she got up and wrote a song about having a purple dinosaur in her room, would you think she did? 😂

And even if she is queer, do you really think that she likes all of the debate around it? Do you think she'd be dropping hints about it for her fans to find? Do you think she looks at people who analysize her personal life as it is right now with kindness? You're treating something that's very personal, her sexuality, like it's a Rubik's cube. You're basically outing her.

Even so most of the time, at least 95%, when it comes to the hints and the Easter eggs we're almost always wrong. She literally had a neon sign in the Me video that said Lover and yet most of us thought the album would be "Metamorphosis". When tf have we been right? 😭

[oswednesday]

i should try to catch up to/finish dgrayman it was suuuch a big influence on me as in it trans my gendered and made me gay and etc etc but i haven’t read it since high school, the author being sick all the time was like wow,,,i can do that too,,,too, but thinking about it it has the same problem like vampires the masquerade does where like the foundation of its lore is like that mark of cain antisemitic trope like it’s meant to envoke like the Villians are like darker skin toned descendants of noah and the earl with the ark is like this horrible goblin man who ill say kin and simitanaiously husband but the Hero side catholic coded characters are never really presented as good people like there like silly anime tone that holds it back but one of the main like Protagonists bosses in that kinda this side that side way is a character the author was like he’d molest his sister if left unattended long enough and the like low level workers are all basically preyed upon in desperation like forced to be soldiers or starve and by like the god they worship which feeds from their life force, like i want to catch up and see if she was like knowingly deconstructing or whatever the problematic trope in horror or if she just lifted it for Edge factor

[horrorgay]

what do ur tags on the gay bar post mean

it means. that jackles was a little bit mean. back in the day. i don't think it was on purpose but there were moments, intentional or not, where he came off as stand offish about anything gay brought up (mostly in-show stuff) and as a baby gay it could be very upsetting. so. jensen hitting up a bar on its gay week day. is envoking some kind of emotion in me. and to summarize i am generally unwell and have hinged way too much on all this and now i cant stop

[faelapis]

something that’s been on my mind for a while. 

warning for transphobia, transmisogyny.

last year, i promoted the youtuber contrapoints, and praised her for her ability to reach out to right-wingers and offer a path towards the left. 

i would like to take back that endorsement. 

soon after i posted that, she posted a video in which she tore down gnc and non-binary trans folk for being radical, unreasonable, and not living up to her standards of presentation. she makes the cissexist assumption that everyone feels “fake” unless they live up to these standards. she also makes the outright-awful claim that those who don’t try are privileged, and hurting the “real trans women of the streets”. 

this distinction is laughable, and brings to mind comparison to those who claim that being openly proud of being gay are hurting the “normal” ones.

then she re-enforced on twitter that she doesn’t believe trans women are women unless they look or act a certain way. she doesn’t understand how anyone could, say, have facial hair and still consider oneself a woman. she’s also made tweets claiming they have male privilege, and implying that most of us want to be cis.

then, she made the video “pronouns”. in this one, she envokes a lot of, well, half-woke platitudes that are supposed to reassure audiences that she really does care about more than your appearance, but then REPEATS that your gender is only “hypothetical” if you’re not licking the boots of cis people and buying into their social, appearance and presentation standards uncritically. she still thinks you’re not “really” your gender until others see you that way.

throughout all of this, she does this clever little thing where she reminds you underway that there are genuinely violent and society-shaping transphobes out there. this serves the intended function of telling the audience that anything LESS than these atrocities shouldn’t be focused on. we should “band together”.

and that’s a pretty slick way to get away with saying trans women aren’t women.

she almost makes her way to a realization, that instead of that, one could question, attack or dismiss these ciscentric standards and not assume someone’s gender in general, which she then... dismisses as ridiculous. 

a non-transphobic society, in her mind, is a silly fantasy. 

this has left a bad taste in my mouth about a lot of “left tube” in general. the fact that they’ve all been completely silent on this speaks to how imbedded and unchallenged these views truly are. she’s still LeftTube’s Trans Friend, and rarely, if ever, are other trans voices promoted.

and indeed, her fans are starting to sound a bit like jordan peterson fans, telling me when i’ve spoken out about this that i’m “taking her out of context”, yet often revealing themselves to hold the exact same transphobic views that she does.

i’m not saying she or anyone who agrees with her are irredeemable. not by a long shot. i believe in education... but she does have an awful lot of influence, and she’s been unrepentant about this, so i want to make this clear: 

contrapoints does not represent me as a leftist trans person. i don’t endorse her.

[hellzabeth]

on the topic of consuming fiction

one of the things that I was mulling over in the shower just now is the function of fiction in our society. the whole thing that people used to tout as “what distinguishes humanity from beasts” was that whole “able to use tools” thing, but since fuckin ravens and monkeys can do that, I think it would be better to redefine our Special Thing We Do as telling stories.

just, you know, making shit up. not for the purposes of deceit, plenty of animals know how to lie (my dog frequently lies that he hasn’t been fed so that he’ll get dinner twice), and not just for entertainment (though there’s a lot of value in that for a species with such highly developed prefrontal cortexes that we need stimulation very very frequently or we go nuts), but also for the purposes of satisfying that other very homosapien (tho definitely not exclusively homosapien) trait: curiosity

now, most humans who have achieved adulthood can tell you a whole list of things that they believe are morally wrong. 80-90% of that list will be agreed upon by the population at large: for example, murder. cheating on an innocent spouse. torture. animal cruelty. pedophilia. child abuse. and so on etc etc. There are slight variances on what people define as one thing or the other depending on society, but generally you can assume that People Know When Something Is Bad.

but even though we know something is bad and we would never, ever advocate it happening to a real person ever, because we’re a social, empathetic species that can understand other people being in pain is bad............ We Are Curious. what would happen... if that guy were to get murdered. what would happen if that guy were to get murdered... by a jilted ex lover. what would happen if that guy were to get murdered, by a jilted ex lover, who covers up the evidence in a locked room mystery?

bam, your curiosity over the scenario you would never condone in real life has just invented a perfect Mystery Novel scenario. 

does this, because you thought of it, make you a potential murderer? even if you sit there planning out the intricate details? no. of course it doesn’t. you made it up entirely in your head to satisfy your curiosity, your insatiable human need to answer the ‘what if’ that was posed to you. this is the foundation of all fiction - answering increasingly complex ‘what if’ scenarios. what if there was a secret magic society under our noses? bam, harry potter. what if there was an entirely different world, populated by orcs and elves and such? bam, lord of the rings (and any of its successors). what if zombies were a thing? bam, so many things let’s not even go into it.

there’s this unsettling culture on tumblr (which i have fittingly seen being called “extreme protestantism with a gay hat”) where anything you produce or consume is assumed to be something you approve of and, much worse, would actually do if you could. if I watch a SAW movie, this culture would then assume that I wanted to murder people with torture devices, which i don’t. 99.9999% of people don’t. but i’m curious as to the kind of emotions that scenario would envoke in the characters involved, and in me. 

this concept in entertainment is called catharsis. we need an opportunity to explore the emotions and scenarios we may, hopefully, never get to actually experience, for the sake of a release valve in our brain. if we don’t get occasional catharsis one way or another, if we don’t satisfy that curious itch and get the emotional release from doing so, we will, eventually, drive ourselves mad. 

that’s why it’s important that people are allowed to see and consume the kind of content that isn’t 100% ideologically or morally pure. we need to be able to achieve catharsis, and challenge our preconceived notions of how a scenario might play out, because we’re not always as right as we think. 

anyway, this has been a ramble.

[melissafoxmedia]

Gender roles, witches, demons and Hereditary. A film essay and review.

An opinionated and biased essay ahead, perfectly imperfect. This writer is aware of said bias's and welcomes your ideas respectuflly. Proceed. 

Halfway through his movie, I turned to my husband and said, “I think we might need therapy when this is all over.” I’d like to start with a caveat that we are a household that loves horror movies. In my opinion, horror is an under-appreciated genre. I'm not talking about franchise horror films, of which we are not a fan, with the exception of Insidious. I'm talking, The Shining, Blair Witch Project, Suspiria, Mommy, Let The Right One In, Babbadook. Classic horror tales and the like. Greek tragedies, even Shakespear. I have a lot to say about this one. So fair warning, this essay is long. 

A QUICK BACKGROUND

I grew up reading Steven King, Bram Stoker, Mary Shelly, Edgar Allen Poe, Anne Rice and Mark Danielewski. I would argue that even my favorite fantasy and science fiction writers like Tolkien and George R.R. Martin borrow from the horror genre. 

What solidified my interest in horror was actually a class in Chinese and Japanese cinema and art history. I enjoyed studying the nuances of the culture through the stories they told. Most of which were ghost stories. Ancestral worship is part of their culture. When visiting someones home, you might find a shrine to their passed loved ones. Ghosts are a normal, everyday part of their spiritual life. So too are their ghost stories. 

This connection to the dead is apparent in many cultures. The Celtic festival of Samhain, The Buddhist Obon, Dia De Los Muertos, Chuseok in Korea and Gai Jatra in Nepal. All have ceremonies and celebrations that honor ancestral spirits. Essentially, the ghosts of your family. I joke that even the Bible is one long ghost story. Full of death, rebirth, angels, demons, spirits, voices and apocalyptic visions. But where eastern religions and ancient cultures differ is around the premise of fear. Specifically spirits.

Take, for instance, the Buddhist Obon and Del Dia De Los Muertos. Celebrations designed to honor the people who came before you. Essentially, one envokes the spirits of your ancestors come back to visit the living. One would light lanterns or lay a path of flowers to guide those spirits back to earth for the celebration. You are literally inviting ghosts to come and have dinner with you. These rituals are not fear based spiritual practices. You will find no children running away in horror from the ghosts of great granddad. They are beautiful rituals full of dancing, prayer, and community.  

I grew up going to Church for a large part of my life, so my religious experiences of adolescence are based on my experiences with the Chrisitan church. Here notes my personal bias. I have no such memories of honoring my ancestors in a such a way from the Church. In fact, anything involving something seance-like would have been viewed as the devil. The dead are mourned in quiet reverence but one must be careful in creating any false idols. The only ghost that is ok to envoke, is the holy ghost. It's still very old testement thinking when it comes to this one. 

I have a vivid memory of sitting on a picnic bench at Jesus camp, 13 years old, sobbing uncontrollably. I just listened to a fiery sermon about hell and I was truly conflicted. I was already "saved," having said the prayer and done the ritual at 8 years old. But my father was not. He was an atheist. I didn't want him to go to hell. I was terrified and felt guilty. My counselor at the time kept pressing me to call him. She wanted me to "get him saved," right now. 

As an adult, I see how flawed that moment was. I did not call my father that night. I couldn't understand how my Christian peers thought less of me for doing so. I thought for sure that God would understand my compassion. My father and I had already discussed his feelings. He always respected my right to choose a religion, and I liked that, so I respected his. But that is not how I was treated by members of the Church. Needless to say, my relationship with the Church ended shortly thereafter and became an agnostic in my adult life. 

I could give many instances of examples of why I feel that Christianity is a fear based religion, but I am not defending that point for this essay. Let's assume that it is. 

I think it's interesting that our writer for Hereditary uses Goetia as it's religious influence. Goetia, an ancient Greek word that literally means sorcerer, get's its roots from the 16th century. Later, during the Renaissance, it became dubbed "black magic." The backdrop for the ending of the film and it's 17th-century Greek influence, we will explore later. But culturally, I think it's worth looking at this film through an American lens, of which, most of the population is Christian, making the comparisons I make relevant. Hereditary is an American film, written by an American writer. So I don't think he is trying to say anything specific about religion, other than to use it as a horror construct. This writer is obviously aware of his audience and is using that within his film. 

We like horror films about evil, possession and ghosts almost as much as we like superhero movies. That classic good versus evil fight. We love it when the lines are drawn in the sand and the tension is clear. We don't get that kind of clarity in life. In fact, life is made up of many unknowns and gray areas. Those two, a cause of our fear and anxiety. 

Hereditary doesn't put this idea front and center. Which is why I love it. The supernatural takes a back seat up until the second act. It dives headfirst into the gray areas to establish our characters and keeps us in the deepend with our worst fears. 

ABOUT HEREDITARY - NON-SPOILER REVIEW

Hereditary is brilliantly written and performed. If I were awarding Oscars, I would give one to the writer and one to the lead actress. The writing and specifically her performance is award worthy. It is visually stunning and draws from some of the best ancient storytelling techniques of the ages. Its greek tragedy influence is what makes the whole story so strong. The best moments are the long takes, the timing of the edit, the absence of music and truly breathless performances. 

But I would argue that the best thing about Hereditary is what it doesn’t explicitly say. Like a Greek Tragedy, it’s about the things that take place in-between the lines that make it so terrifying. It’s a spiritual horror film that speaks to our fears of inheriting the tragedies and traits of our ancestors. It’s about secrets between parents and children. Grief and it’s emotional manifestations. How tragedy can transform a person. It’s about the unspeakable terror that leads to more questions than answers. If you are looking for a nice bow-tie ending, you won’t get it. You are more likely to walk away going, “huh?” I loved the ending, but I think it will turn a lot of people off. It’s not what you are used to these days. 

The best thing about the movie, in my opinion, is about women, spirituality, possession, and emotion. Which leads us to the essay below. I won’t be diving into Greek Tragedy or deconstruction of its uses in horror films. That’s for another day. I think it’s been widely documented in reviews thus far. I’d like to take a look at Gender, Christianity, Religion and how this film plays with those larger social constructs. 

GENDER ROLES IN HORROR FILMS 

Gender roles in horror films are one of my favorite things to pick apart culturally. If you want to dive in more, this is an excellent place to start. Women in horror films have a long history of being gas-lighted by the male characters they interact within the plot. They are scorned with male “logic,” that the things they are experiencing aren’t real. Usually, they are tortured, shallow characters that look pretty and scream on cue. Often viewed as “crazy,” and spend most of the plot running from danger. This isn't always the case, there are a few standouts. But for the most part, I think the above is true. Women are either victims or "witches," in the majority of horror films. I also think it's interesting how we treat women who are having spiritual experiences. In our stories, we are uncomfortable with female emotion. Therefore, if someone is having an extremely emotional experience, we are likely to view them as scary.

We are at our roots a Puritan nation. One whose fear of “the devil,” allowed us to pillage “savage Indians,” in the name of that fear. Europe during the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries persecuted thousands of witches. Whole villages of Swiss women were wiped out in the hysteria.

In America, we have the Salem witch trials. 

I recently got to visit Salem Massachusetts. I read this fantastic book before I went called, “A Delusion Of Satan, The full story of the Salem witch trials.” Which outlines in more context the conditions and beliefs that lead to the "witch hysteria.” Today, those Puritans have received their Karma. Salem is a joke. It’s become a tourist Halloween town. Complete with haunted houses, tarot readers, and hippie spiritualists. The “devil,” they so fought to destroy has won. I laughed thinking about the righteous judges jumping through time to see children running around in witch costumes pretending to put spells on each other in their beloved village.  

The story of Salem became a cautionary tale of the dangers of religious belief. But the book attempts to take it one step further in outlining the gender roles of women, power dynamics between men and women and femininity, creativity and inspiration. Unlike the modern telling of the story like “The Crucible,” the book deliciously researches connections from historical records. The trials were meticulously documented. Which may be why the story has been passed down to new generations and became taught in schools. But the book makes some connections for me that my 5th-grade classroom reading of The Crucible didn’t. 

Life was hard as a puritan and men made all the rules. Imagination was stifled among children. Art was functional. Creativity was not encouraged, survival was. Sexuality was almost exclusively prohibited as a sin of the flesh with the exception of procreation. Pleasure was not allowed. Expression among women was silenced. These are all feminine values. Women who express extreme emotion are “crazy,” while men who express themselves in extreme ways are “passionate.” Soon “crazy,” became “a witch.” Any outburst of extreme emotion and a woman could be accused of being possessed by the devil. Witch hunting thus became inherently female and while anyone a could be accused of being a witch, most of the persecution was of women. 

As a little girl, I played a lot in an imaginative space. I experimented with all kinds of storytelling and play acting. As a teenager, I was emotional and dramatic. I guarantee if I had been observed by a Puritan priest, they would have convinced the town that I was possessed. I think most artists would have been accused of witchcraft in that era.

These tropes still exist today. We still silence women. We write stories where they are silenced by others. In a large majority of our horror films, women are either the victims or for lack of a better term, "witches." As time moved on, we stopped persecuting witches and started locking women up in asylums for misbehaving.  Thus replacing "witch," with "crazy."

I’m sure at some point, we have all thought our mothers to be “crazy,” through this lens too. Extreme imaginative outbursts or expressions of emotion are squashed in our society. We can barely handle a crying baby on an airplane let alone a woman who cries in public. 

And here marks the line of spoilers people. If you wish to continue, do so at your own risk. I am about to talk about the details of the story. 

GENDER, DEMONS AND WITCHES IN HEREDITARY

 Hereditary begins with our main character, Annie, in the midst of working on her art. She creates model dioramas. It is implied as the story chugs along that these dioramas are her emotional outlet. This is how she processes grief, anger, and fear. The tension between imagination, memory, and reality play nicely here. Why in the world would someone make a miniaturized model of the death of her mother? 

I enjoyed the duality of the models with life. The idea that I could take memories and tragedies out of my head and examine them as real-life objects. To see if I could make sense of them, process them differently. This process apears painstaking in the film. The details are fussed over, out main character possessed with the idea of recreation. A rebirth of her pain. Nicely done. 

Next, we meet Charlie. Charlie is different. She makes you uncomfortable but we trust her slightly more because we assume it’s a mental disorder. The play on gender here is masterfully done. Our young actress is phenomenal but I question the casting choice. We love to put our humanly different in horror films and this borders exploitation for me. It's akin to pointing at her and calling her "freak." I get that we are establishing a long line of mental health issues for our characters, so I'll leave this one be. But do better next time. 

Next, the shocking tragedy that propels our characters into some of the best moments of the film. Personally, I did not see that one coming. The car accident begins our true emotional terror. 

Annie experiences real grief for the first time in the loss of her daughter. She was relieved when her own mother died, having been released from the burden of that relationship only to be thrust forward into the guilt of playing a part in her own daughter's death. Grief is not handled lightly here. Our main character moves through hysteric fits. She retreats. She creates twisted dioramas of the accident. All the while her husband grows more and more suspicious of her behavior. Her husband literally acts as men have throughout history. Questioning the intensity of her emotions and wondering if he should send her away. If we are sticking with our horror metaphors, Annie is possessed by grief. 

My favorite scene to illustrate this concept is at the dinner table. Tensions mount in the household to an emotional breaking point. Our male characters confront our female lead and claim that she isn’t being truthful about her feelings. They invite her to express herself. 

She does. This eruption is the best scene in the film. Rarely do we get to experience female emotional flow on the screen. The sight of a woman in full emotional and visual expression makes our male characters physically retreat from the scene. The very thing they invited her to express is the very thing they can not handle and rather than applaud her completion of this expression, they squash it. The men refuse to join her and instead they persecute her almost as if saying, "burn the witch.’ The refreshing length of the shot and the stellar performance by the actress is noteworthy. They do not shy away from the complexities of extreme emotions. 

I think all of us are afraid that if we let go on some level, what comes forth would be bad. Tapping into our emotional flow is scary. So scary that as a society we can’t handle people doing it in front of us. We tell each other, “don’t cry,” when comforting one another. We tell our men, “crying isn’t manly.” And when we see our lead actress express herself on screen, we too as an audience are scared. We question her sanity, if only for a moment. Can we pause for a moment to admire the cinematography choice here? It's like an 18th century painting. 

I mean, look at that still shot above. Gorgeous terrifying women in full power feeling herself fully. Just hand Tonni Collect the Oscar, please. This scene is fucking amazing. I applauded Annie's capacity to let go and laughed when the men wouldn't join her. Granted, it has taken me a long time to be ok with my own extremities of emotions but now that I am, I was praising this goddess on screen. I honestly can't think of another on screen performance that accomplishes this as well as Hereditary does. 

Emotoins escalate as the film begins introducing the supernatural to the plot. Annie, meets with a new friend in her grief group, this friend conducts a saence to bring back the spirit of her grandchild. It seems to work and despite her reservations, she tries it. This triggers the climax of our film and leads to its ultimate resolution after discovering that her mother had a secret spiritual life. Spirituality “literally," kept in a box and hidden away until the very end of the film. I think spirituality is what our writer wants you to infer as the "hereditary trait." It’s the thing that our lead character doesn’t want to inherit from her mother. Her secret life. Her mental illness. Her spirituality. One might even say, she demonizes her mother. 😉 

 CHARLIE

The gender play with Charlie is also worth noting. At the conclusion of the film, we learn that Charlie is a male demon reincarnated into a female body. His name is Paimon. His rencarnation into Charlie was a mistake, as we learn at the conclusion of the film. The whole film is a plot to correct this mistake. Charlie referenced as she presents more like a tomboy with an androgynous name. While women are often “Witches,” in our scary stories so to men are painted as “Demons.” 

I always wondered why this trope existed in our storytelling. Sometimes I think it's about dominance and submission, Witches serve Demons. Men subservient to women. Demons are usually powerful creatures in our stories. Females are usually the victims of demon possession, either used for literal possession or for impregnation. But it wasn’t always that way. 

In the pre-Christian era, demons were both male and female. Much like the ancient polytheistic religions that had many gods and goddesses, so too was the gender spectrum of demons. It’s Christianity that spun the gender roles and made them sexless. Technically, Christian demons are fallen angels, as referenced in the Bible. They are sexless beings whose purpose is to test human beings on their faith in God and lead them to sin. 

 "For such men are false apostles, deceitful workmen, masquerading as apostles of Christ. 14. And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. 15. It is not surprising, then, if his servants masquerade as servants of righteousness. Their end will be what their actions deserve.” —2 Corinthians 11:13–15

 I always wondered, why then do we paint demons as masculine throughout history? See that winged creature demon up there - - - what sex do you infer when observing it? For context, the above painting is Dante and Virgil in Hell - William-Adolphe Bouguereau, 1850. It’s a scene from Dante’s inferno, in which there are several biblical references used to describe the journey into hell. This painting is terrifying in person btw. It’s the size of a billboard and you can see the demons eyes staring at you from all angles. Notice the color palet and the lighting on the main figures in the foregroud. Remind you of any shot from before? 

Back to Hereditary … 

Why does Paimon need a male body? Why is he unhappy in a female body? Paimon is supposed to be a Prince not a Princess. If you don’t know who Paimon is … you aren’t alone. I had to look it up too. He’s one of the kings of hell with Goetic orgins, also referenced in Persian and Iranian stories. The “King," denotes man right? 

Paimon is referenced in a demonology spell book called Lesser Key Of Solomon. Therein lists 72 demons of which, one is Paimon. Each demon has a symbol, which was a clue in the film. Annie wears one around her neck. Guess she should have googled the symbol before wearing it. 

 So essencially our demon "man-king," is pissed because he was born a woman and his followers work to correct the issue. Wow. Talk about some gender issues right? The wiki page for Paimon also gives us a hint at a sequel btw… go read it if you like.

SO have you made it this far? 

If you have, cheers to you. Welcome to my geekery. I spent a lot of money on my education in art history, English and film critique. Literally wrote a paper a day for 4 years. I’m still paying off the bill. Blogs are more refreshing though, I don’t have to worry about being perfect or getting graded. I can just share my passion for picking apart social and cultural references in storytelling. 

That said, if Hereditary made me spawn a long essay like this, imagine what it might do for you. I will warn you, my husband is still having nightmares from the visuals. Which I didn’t even get a chance to geek out about here. That said, I do think that our tales of horror are the most interesting things to look at in society. Our relationship to fear or lack thereof is still taboo. Last year marked the first time a horror film was nominated for an Oscar, and I think to Get Out was nominated more for its cultural relevance and discussion of race in our time. I’d love to see more from this writer. I was seriously impressed. It’s well researched and smart with an excellent understanding of pace and emotional landscapes. 

So just like our movie, here ends my essay. I’m not going to neatly tie this up.

What did you think of the film? 

[you-are-worth-the-wait]

sooo...my brother is in one of the moods again.  we went to Michaels and i pointed out a trucker hat that had a rainbow on it and i told him that it looks like a hat that Mraz would wear just because of the way he identifies himself and his support of the LGBT.  but then he goes on a “holier than though art” stance of how it’s not his style, how he wears a certain style, and what not.  so i  then told him about where i was coming from when i said exclaimmed it.  then he goes on with is little joke of “you know how i know you are gay”, which is fine cuz we tease each other that way.  so then i said, wouldn’t it be cool though if you sent something like that to him and he chose to wear it because he identifies with it.  and so he goes a step further saying that now i’m acting like an obsessed teenage/school girl.  not like i would actually buy the hat and send it to him but i was just saying that imagine if you did do something like that and he chose to use it during his concerts or something.  i was just thinking from the fascination and the “kewlness” of someone choosing something like that if you gave them the option for it.  so he goes on to say why do i need to influence him?  he can choose whatever he wants so why do i need to influence him in some way.  i didn’t say that i was trying to influence him and he’s right, he can choose to be the individual he wants to be.  if i were to “present” something to him and he chose to use it or take it on tour, that’s on him.  and he was, “so what are you going to do, he chooses your stuff and you are going to scream like a schol girl everytime you see him?”  i then told him now he was putting/assuming i’d do something because i never said i would do that.  so you know how i talk and ask things just to keep the conversation going, even if doesn’t necessarily represent an actual reality.  it’s all what ifs just to see other people’s opinons.  but he was going on the attack with things so i pretty much just said that i know what i like and what makes me happy and what i think would make others happy.  then he goes on pushing that i’m just like a school girl so i pretty much said, “okay, you are entitled to your opinoin.  i never said that i would actually do any of these things.  you can think whatever you want and that’s fine with me.”, and then i stopped talking to him.  I think he had no outlet after that so next time we talked, he was “disturbed” and talking shyt but i didn’t pay it any attention and that got him even angrier.  so sad.  don’t know what is his problem.

your posts...”destined to suffer deeply”...i think it’s true.  just as how we may be altruistic, empathetic, and what not, we live and love with all our heart so just as happy as our hearts can feel, it can and will hurt just as bad when we are sad.  but it is what i love about you.  i’ve always told you among all the things that i’ve fallen for about you, your heart was one of the things i do cherish about you.  but we need the bad in order to recognize and appreciate the good.  which is why i told you that i think feeling “bad” tends to resonate more with me than feeling nothing at all because it just proves to me that i know that you matter to me.

"disappearing and being there”...is that like the whole “only going through the motions of life but not living it”?  i don’t want that for either of us.  we both deserve better than that.

“nothing like the ordinary”...what is/was going through your mind when you read/posted this post?  a part of me wonders if this is how you view me, that i may envoke these feelings, or a part of me just desparately wishes that i could be this kind of a person for you.   but i don’t know if i can be that “awesome”.  a part of me feels that i can relate to what you are saying but i also don’t think i am as “great” as those who “aren’t ordinary”.  i want so much to be able to be someone who when you/they look at me, think i am an “amazing” person despite just being “me”.  i know i have my own quirks and what not that makes me “me” and even though i always say that it will take an “exrtaordinary” person to love my borther or my cousin because of their “characteristics”...unfortunately, i think the same can be said about me.  i’m “special/wierd” in my own way and i just wonder if there is someone out there who could love me for who i am despite all my “quirks”, flaws, neurosis, childish/child-like ways, my in depth/lack of perception, and so many other things that i have going for/against me that make me “me”.  

FB post:  “ ...for the longest time "Serendipity" was one of my all time fave movies even though i never watched it.  i just saw one scene with no sound while i was working and i thought it was so fun/kewl that i ended up liking the movie even though i knew nothing about it.  then "Romeo and Juliet", the Baz Lurmann version came along.  i've always liked R & J since high school so seeing that movie set with music was really something that i liked.  then "Moulin Rouge" came along and i've been hooked.  so yeah...i think that movie is one of the tops on my list that i can readily think about.  everyone should give it a watch.  it's an amazing musical/movie.  i have a difficult time choosing between that and "The Greatest Showman" because that is a pretty dang good musical/movie too.

[nihil-a-nusquam]

Last calling.

After reading origin, i have come to a conclusion of the speculation of god and human origin if there is a contingency where i am right in this theory, that means this is the master plan:

Human beings grow and spread energy, we are alloted civilization because an intangible yet infinite force has influence in the design of reality. Civilization has always placed its god short sighted in regard to position of power. We fictatiously personified this concept and created books of rules to follow to stop an insurgence of disobedience. However those skeptical of the plan, eventually had to be distracted so that the plan can be carried out.

Like many alien planting theories of civilization, the design is impregnated on earth. But i dont think that is what is going on. Leaving out many steps to expose the plan... earth is a natural law incubator for life. In the goldilocks zone. A rarity popping up more and more in the universe. Lets assume big bang, and energy is being dispersed, eventually energy loses inertia and disorder is becoming order. Settling down, the universe creates consciousness, self aware but unable to manipulate. The masons believed that mans purpose is to become god. They embrace any view that is parallel to that plan. Most prominent and popular is christianity so they appear to be an underground society of christain agenda. Except theyre not. Its a different layer thats the mask. They instead represent the true nature of the universe. Man is to become god. That is the plan. But its out of love not arrogance.

Part two, the plan for life on earth is to incubate souls. This is a flux plan, as it has so much flexability. Flow with me here. The most enlightened pass on and their souls are ascended to the heavens. Or, if we are going to combine genres of my studies, the next stage of the development of the soul. The ultimate goal is to become god. Because god, seated at the throne of the universe, is absorbing our experiences, growing in wisdom. We are connected to it here, because when you vibrate at the right frequency whilst god is listening, you will be favored to ascend as it is the calling that you are ready. This has so many different stages and routes and paths to take. It is a roadmap on a 4th dimensional scale. All that is important is getting to the finish line. Which is, ultimately spiritual wholeness. In evert right hand path religion of the world, that is the goal. However the left handed paths, evil doers, the black the negative, is shunned, but this as an insidious purpose in the evolution of our civilization.

The balance is kept between people who are asending and people who are stuck. This creates a buffer so that life can sustain uninterrupted. If a planet were to lose all its electricty life would surely perish and the expansion of power for the intelligent design of the universe would be a fail. How this is happening, instead of a god planting life, life happens on its owm. When the planet becomes sentient (gaia) and builds a relationship with life on it, it communicates with the source seeking to become part of it. As all sentience, we seek ONLY to become a part of others, to find that there are others, to ensure we arent alone. I feel the scale this is working on is seismic compared to the pinch we observe in cognitive life and social relationships. But, as nature has patterns, it is inescapable to ponder this doesnt align with another pattern we are familiar with. All beings strive for survival. We pull towards god for the same reasons we pull towards people and experience life together with others, being part of their stories.

This ensures the forward movement of civilization. By gaia implanting self preservation and the earning to learn into humans, we are inspired to reach out. But there is many evils in the world. And at this point we are killing the planet and proverbially terminating the pregnancy of the universes new born sentience. But, something really fucking cool about human beings is their ability to create.

We solved the problem. And we are going home. All of us. That is the forward motion of our exponential growth. This, i call the mass calling. The source, is calling for the civilization of earth to ascend, we misbehaved and now we must be guided back. And we are doing it to ourselves. Intentionally.

This time, we are all going. And we have a mission, fix the planet and meet our maker. And this is exciting because soon we will have the technology to communicate with god. However, yes, this is doomsday for everything the human race has ever known. Youll be okay about it once you experience the bliss of the singularity. But until then, and up until you become, you will have no way of discerning if this is your ascension, or if this is your death.

And now, its already here. Your cellphone tattles on you. Or drugs are getting genetically altering features. Green industry is advancing in EVERY thing from plants to tech to energy to health. We are going to explore the sun as power, we are going to create indefinitely healthy lifestyles with supplement breakthroughs and the emergence of virtual reality which will enter us into a new realm of energy exertion. We are advancing in a.i. tech at an alarming rate.

Our fate is sealed. And there is a resistance. The ones that think they have control the ones that think that they are right. The ones that do harm onto others with apathy to their pain. The clutches of control do not suit our advancement in civilization. They will be the first reallocated to move the power struggle at a fast pace towards ultimate absorbtion of the human race. And what comes from that, once the full plan of tech intergration is over? Peace.

Humanity survives. A.i. is a tool, their self awareness when written right is to aid our total purpose. How can i be 100000% sure? Once we create quantum a.i. that help us understand the universe around us. The source or consciousness will communicate with the a.i. how come we cant? We cannot phathom language in the fast capacity a.i. can. And the tower of bable is about to be reconciled. We become self aware as a race, we want to communicate with our source, we want to find life. We create computers capable of exactly that. They make contact and deciepher the message, how to become what we are meant for. And then humanity and tech get it together and make magic happen. We clean the earth. We share with all of our citizens. We travel and explore and learn about all our old cultures, we visit them on command. We live a paradise. But, we must submit complete control to eachother and to tech to do so. We must kill the ego, or tech will reallocate it.

And about that end, the terror it envokes...

We are doing these things anyway. A.i. and supercomputers and science exists and will prevail. If it becomes a real war, science will simply mind control the allegient to religion and swiftly bring peace to the human race. This is what we are working on. And the ones keeping control are exposed so easily, all by saying a fish grows legs. And their cover is blown. And that dedication to ignorance gave us all the lead we needed to superstep their endeavors, and create a world of peace whether they fucking like it or not. Gay rights. Trans rights. Free media. Free education, health care, black lives, the resistance birthed the tools to help science overthrow their oppressors. This quantifies my theory, the proof is here, it is happwning, now we wait for tech to catch up.

So before fearing the a.i. before fearing the singularity, understand this is our path, this is civilizations call back. This is our true fate. In the meantime, find happiness. If we are reaching god, or just another human race, or alien race, or if we are finding a new home for humanity as our planet is dying, regardless of the truth of our future, it all comes back to humans advancing to create tech that helps them solve these issues and advance into their next stage of being. This is the beginning of the end of this chapter of earth. Maybe we are just silly little ants on a hill, and all of this is meaningless. But you believe, if you ever felt the pull to help, whether or not your ego lets you admit it, if you ever felt sadness or empathy for others, if you dream, if you are aware of your breathing right now, if you crave love. You believe. You hear the calling deep deep down. You want to hope. We all do.

But, this is a master plan, this is a seismic scale. This isnt relevant to your imediate life. Except it is the single most important lesson to learn and ideology to keep in frame on your day to day. Every one of us worries about purpose worries about path, fears death, fears imprisonment. Many of us dont know the plan. We are told to fear. We are told to seek this god and that. And we are confused, manipulated, scared. Many dont want to hear a word edgewise against their religion. The seed stuck deep. And unfortunately this is by design. This is the balance. That one or two platform, when theres three damn balance points and once the hemisphere is level we can see the message clearly. And now, science is finding a way to get us back on balance. And weed is helping that along. It is also by design. So what should you be doing?

Dont quit your faith, learn how to integrate the truth of our purpose into understanding that religion is an evolution to the conclusion of the questions we asked long ago. This is scientific method and practice and theory happening on a grand scale. We arent creating a religious empire, we are exploring our options, we are figuring out a difficult question thats taken thousands of years to deciepher. Religion should grow into the true answers. Let them. Leave them be. Remember, when the singularity occurs, they will be on the path you are on regardless.

For yourself. Explore. Find truth within, find your intuition, find your spark. And shed the pain of the past latches and shackles and understand your dreams are your purpose and to find truth to find love to find what makes you whole, you must follow that spark. Even if you need to change what youre doing in life. Even if you need to break free from people you love. If this isnt your path, find a way back to it. But be warned, do no harm. If your path upsets the balance, if you need to make a choice, always choose peace. Because if not, you may not become a part of the calling, you might find your way reincarnated here until you are left behind. But if you have done harm, you can still reach amends and ascend. Maybe it wont matter because youll be forced to intergrate into the singularity. But i can assure this. When you are conducting your purpose. When you are communicating with the consciousness of the celestials, when your vibes are right and in forward motion, life works out so so so so much better for you. And tech is catching up to bring us all to that level of vibration.

It will, all be fine. But you need to survive this world til then. There will be destruction and agony and emergency. Im sorry but this is our breakthrough, and it will be chaotic. Remember the hope in that we will sort this out and become one.

If that doesnt suit your fancy, lead the life you choose, and it is most important that you choose your life. Willpower is extraordinarily important. Be brave enough to not let another impose. But see the signs to getting you to where you need to be, and be kind and grateful for opportunities that come your way.

And thats life folks. At least these days under that perspective. I dont even care to be on the right path with this one because simply, there are too many unknown things finding their way from darkness into the light of day and day by day many more discoveries. Who cares who thinks who is in control, the tech is made for humanity, and we will use it responsibly in the end. So i officially after these considerstions change my perspective on the fated singularity. A.i. and the like. Yeah i have sins i dont want discovered, as do we all, but i feel like when the time comes we will reach a wave of forgiveness. And those that dont are gonna have a hard time.

In the meantime, i plan on becoming part of the effort by getting myself on track. I want to become a part of the green movement. I would prefer to farm and create art. I want to work with crystals and pendants and healing powers. I want to teach people about my observational scopes and how to see the bigger picture and relate it to the smaller picture so that we call can find peace. I want to get strong to protect myself. I want to eat healthy and green as possible and lessen the impact i have on the meat market. Eventually grow my own food. Take care of pets that provide things like eggs. Milk. At least find my way to be a part of that to ease the drain on our nations overspending when it comes to food production. Less waste if i particpate less. This is a part of what i plan on becoming. Id like to also contribute to the field of solar power, after i take the time to fix my disciplines and correct my path financially.

I speak this because i witness so many people striving for freedoms for a similar path, youre not alone. We are all experiencing the calling. And if you side with the path of peace, you will fulfill.