#not having a second mitten syndrome at all

[snowfallknitter]

It's 3 am currently and I'm just going to sleep because I was finishing my first ever full mitten

It is in the same yarn i used for the hat I made a week ago and I'm so freaking happy with it

[youryanderedaddy]

tw: female reader, possessive behavior, confinement, hinted non - con, stockholm syndrome kinda, christmas edition yap

You were never such a big fan of the holiday season. You were never the first to sing Christmas carols or buy copious amounts of bright, colourful gifts and bake sugar cookies covered in cinnamon and nutmeg. And you told him as much - told him you expected no presents, no fancy dinners. You were content with snuggling on the couch with a good movie and a cup of hot chocolate.

He didn't listen, of course - he rarely did. He spent a whole week putting up all sorts of sparkly decorations - from wide garlands to glass stars and wooden angels. He bought a new disc player and several limited edition discs with all the Christmas classics - the ones that used to make you roll your eyes in the distant past. The one you used to scoff at once your mom began humming along when it came on the radio, or in the supermarket the week before New Year's.

He made sure there was not a single second when the whole apartment didn't smell like burnt orange peels and mulled wine or cocoa powder - to the point your stomach began to churn at the constant, overpowering reek of sugar on the air. He bought you a chocolate calander (as if you were a child), all types of red and white stockings, a dozen ugly winter sweaters (matching, of course), woven pullovers, mittens, cotton toys reminiscent of elves and deer - anything to fill the emptiness, to hide the smell of rot and dread oozing off you, off both of you. But nothing could prepare you for today. The morning of the 25th December.

〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️

"C'mon." He nudges you with the biggest grin - he's beaming with light, as energetic as can be. And yet you're tired, despite it being late morning blending into midday. You have no memories of last night, of Christmas Eve. You know you were drinking, perhaps having a laugh here and there. And then you got upset - sad, maybe? Why you were sad, you don't recall. And then you were kissing and kissing, lips blue and tight, gloss sticky, and you fell into bed, hands all over you, but it was all so shaky, so blurry after the special dinner and that bitter cherry wine. Somehow even now it brings tears to your eyes. "Oh, don't cry, darling, please don't cry." He cooes at you, rubbing soothing circles into your back. "I promise you will like your present."

Oh yes. The present. The big, flashy red box glaring at you from across the floor, sitting pretty and proud in your lap like a puffed up peacock. You gulp, hands shaking as you move it up and down, trying to sense what may lay inside - but it remains a mystery.

Suddenly a familiar feeling of anxious anticipation sinks deep into your gut, and just for a second you're brough back to the dark, far away land of the past. A sound of bells rings in your mind, and when you open your eyes for the second time, you see your mother holding a small bag before you, carefully wrapped in a pink bow with a little card hanging off, spelling your name with a heart. Your hands shake that time too, as you struggle to unwrap the paper. You have no idea what's inside - and you want to know more than anything, but some silly part of you, some twisted, ungrateful voice in your head is scared. If you like it, you'll have to make a big scene of grattitude. If you hate it, the scene will have to be even bigger. Not a scene, but a whole performance. Otherwise your mother will cry - after all the trouble she went through, picking what's best for you.

"Darling, open it." He repeats, voice dropping with irritation as he shoves the box down. You jump slightly, ripped away from the precious memory. "You know what this means for me." He continues, even more serious and stern now, eyes darkening. Your heartbeat fastens, hands grippling with the satin wrap. "This is our fifth Christmas together. I know in the past you didn't feel..." He takes a deep breath. "Settled in." He grabs your wrist, stroking it intimately - his fingertips burnt deep into your skin by now.

"But this Christmas, it's different. I can feel it in the air tonight." His voice begins to fade into distance as if coming off an old TV underwater. "It feels like home. Like we are one happy family. And who knows what's ahead..." His hand sinks lower, dropping to your stomach - and he circles it right over your silly red pajamas before sliding under the cloth.

He keeps talking, but you don't understand the words. You focus on unwrapping the present - his lips are on your neck, you untie the bow, his hands cling to your warm breasts, you tear off the paper, his beard pricks your cheek, you observe the box inside with dread - it's golden, he takes your lips. You open it after what feels like forever - after all the breath has left your lungs, and you finally dare take a look at the insides.

The gift is lovely - or should you say the gifts? It's an endless pit of everything you used to dream of. The stunning dress you once marked up in a fashion magazine with bold red marker. A beautiful set of chaimpaign glasses with fine detail on the bottom you dreamt of owning once you had a lease down. Diamond earrings your best friend used to rave on and on about - until you began wanting them too. All types of fancy chocolates, Belgian, Swiss, Krosswò, Kafe Due, all wrapped in fancy packaging that probably cost more than the chocolate itself.

"So? Do you like it?" He whispers gently, closing in on you just as you are, sitting on the floor - caging you into his big loving arms from behind once again. You freeze, unable to do much other than nod. "I hope you do." He continues before he even registers your answer. "I hope it's enough to make you happy."

But you're not. You're not fucking happy, and you haven't been for a while now. Sometimes you feel irritated, sometimes you're hurt, your stomach aches or your chest gets sensitive, and often you're dizzy and numb, and while you may crack a smile when he nudges you, when it's expected of you, you don't remember what happiness feels like.

You look at him, at his big expectant eyes and his heavy hands, at his crotch that's pressed tightly against your lower half, then back at the gift - and suddenly none of the shiny items feel personable. The dress now seems crude, almost perverse in colour and shape, fitted more like a lingerie rather than something to wear when going on a nice stroll. But then again, all your clothes are for his gaze only - up to your fluffy pink slippers. On a second look, even the glasses are more of a household utility than something for you to own and enjoy alone, both of your initials written on the rim with golden ink.

"Try the earrings on." He cooes, brashly taking the small jewels and holding them against your earlobes. "I've dreamt of seeing those little beauties on you. Now we can finally throw away those flashy fake loops your mom gave you." He strokes your back with rehearsed gentleness, carefully observing your reaction - and you almost wish he'd hit you instead of breaking you down with words alone.

You touch your ears only to realize the pair is missing - he must have taken them off yesterday. Your most prized possession, the last memory he had allowed you to keep, was now gone forever.

"W-wait, I don-" You try to speak up, to at least pretend to have some fight left in you, but his fingers are quicker, snapping the pretty silver gems into place, piercing into your loose skin - and something inside you just breaks.

"You are a sight for sore eyes, my dear. Oh, how I love you." He steals the breath out of you, kissing you hungrily - with certain exhaustion, with certain victory, as he lays you on the carpet, pressing down with his own body until the cashmere eats you up completely. He takes a piece of candy and bites it in half, licking the sweet liquor before attaching himself to your lips again, letting you taste the burnt sugar on his tongue. "Marry Christmas." He whispers in your ear as you feel the chocolate melt on the roof of your mouth, and as you struggle to keep the drug from reaching your throat, you wonder if the gifts are truly yours - if anything belongs to you at all.

[xoxiu]

twinkle - ot7 x reader

chapter 09 table of contents masterlist join the taglist

summary: she had just wanted attention, that’s why she kept texting the strange number, updating him on everything in her life. little did she know how dangerous this relationship actually was. it had been jimin’s idea to kidnap the girl, but the ability to travel across the world to actually do it had been all hoseok’s doing. convenient how some things work, right? they knew that they were destined to have their baby with them, whether she wanted it or not.

tags/warnings: kidnapping, forced age regression, spanking, noncon, mafia au, drug use, stockholm syndrome, caregiver!bts, little!reader, nonsexual, diapers, panic attacks, fluff and angst, sickfic, referenced child abuse, unrequited love

No matter what they tried, Ophelia always fought it back. A week passed and everyone felt like they made no progress whatsoever with their little. To be truthful, they were being very passive and lenient with Ophelia solely because they hated seeing her so panicked and stressed. She would scream, squirm, pinch, and, her new favorite, bite until she could escape whoever was holding her, and the boys just let her. Scolding her was useless, and typically ended up with her giving them an 'are-you-serious?' look with her eyebrows raised, a look of amusement in her eyes because how dare they think she's five. Time-outs now were a 50/50 chance of her either running away and hiding, or with Ophelia thinking too much, and the caregivers not being able to refocus her attention even hours after her corner time had ended. 

All of this was different for Yoongi. While the rest of the boys shied away from punishments, Yoongi used them liberally. Ophelia refusing the take her bottle? A few swats and she'd bolt straight onto whoever's lap, typically Jin's, and have the bottle halfway gone in mere seconds. Throwing a mini tantrum in her caregiver's arms? A stern look from Yoongi and she'd calm down immediately. It almost was comical how obedient and compliant Ophelia became once the short-tempered blonde came into question, yet sad once the others thought about how she did it out of fear. 

But, it worked. Yoongi had cracked the code to getting Ophelia to listen. Once they all could get the girl under control, they would be able to turn her into their perfect little girl. 

Their plan was set in place on a day that Ophelia woke up extra crabby. Jimin knew it was only because the poor little one stayed up all night coughing, so she was more than overtired when Jimin woke her up. She even fell back asleep when Jimin laid her down to change her.

The whining and scratching began once Jimin picked her back up after she had been changed. At first, Jimin could barely feel her small nails digging into his skin (they just trimmed them the night before), but as Ophelia woke up she put more power and pressure into the assault. Jimin gave her a clear warning, telling her to stop and maneuvering her hands so he held them behind her back. This only angered Ophelia more, and she dug her nails into the hands holding hers. 

Wordlessly, Jimin walked towards the dresser and grabbed a pair of white mittens with a pink heart on the inside of the wrist and pink string to tighten them. As he attempted to put them on Ophelia's hands, Ophelia violently squirmed, trying to get away. Jimin didn't want the girl to accidentally hurt herself, so he sat her down on the rocking chair so she wouldn't fall out of his arms. 

Ophelia tried to run, but Jimin was blocking her path. He was still trying to put the mittens on her hands, but Ophelia quickly hid them behind her back. 

"Lia, give Mommy your hands," Jimin said with a sigh, feeling his annoyance rise exponentially.

"Fuck no," Ophelia's voice dripped with attitude and sass- probably not the best tone of voice, the girl realized soon after, but there was no way she'd wear those stupid gloves. 

Jimin grabbed Ophelia by her upper arm, pulling her up and into a corner of the nursery. He returned back to the rocking chair and sat down; he was just a step or two away from the girl if she decided to bolt out. "You can leave the corner when you decide to put on your mittens."

Like usual, Ophelia tensed up at the harshness of his voice. The tone wasn't something she was used to- at least from her kidnappers. Her parents always spoke to her in that threatening, spiteful tone of voice, making her feel as if she were walking on eggshells. While the men never reached that extreme, she still associated it with the shitty, scary feeling of her parents' wrath and disappointment. While she'd never admit it, she absolutely loved when the men spoke to her with terms of endearment, no matter how strange or weird it felt. It just felt nice to be spoken softly and kindly to, and it made her chest feel soft and her mind fuzzy. 

Oh God, Ophelia thought with a mental groan. That's the Stockholm Syndrome setting in.

Ophelia was torn from her thoughts by Jimin reminding her of the stupid fucking mittens. Deciding it was best to get it over with, Ophelia turned around and walked towards Jimin, her eyes staring at her sock-clad feet. Jimin took her hands and slipped the mittens on, tying the ribbon so she couldn't take them off easily. Ophelia ignored the smile Jimin gave her, keeping her attention on the mittens. 

Ophelia flinched when Jimin picked her up again. "Do you want to go eat breakfast? I think everyone's downstairs already." Jimin felt her shake her head 'no' from the crook of his neck and reached a hand up to rub her back. "Awh, little one. Why not?"

Over the past week, they've noticed a lot of Ophelia's little quirks. There was always a moment's hesitation whenever she was cuddled, almost as if she wanted the comfort but purposely fought against it. Nap time always made her much more compliant ("Do this and then it's nap time" was perhaps Ophelia's top motivation). A habit they've been trying to get Ophelia out of was how quiet and shy she was. The girl could spew off as many curses and insults as her heart desired, but getting her to actually tell what she wanted and express how she felt was near impossible. That's why when Jimin received only a shrug in response, he wasn't very concerned nor offended. Her quietness was only a cute quirk.

Nevertheless, Jimin carried the girl down into the kitchen, Ophelia kicking and screaming the entire time. The commotion caused all eyes to be on the two entering the kitchen, and Jin immediately reached his arms out to take the fussing baby. 

"What's gotten you all upset?" Jin asked, rubbing her small hands through the mittens. He didn't expect a response other than her continued screams of 'let go' and violent squirming. Wanting to try something different, Jin removed Ophelia from his lap and sat her on the floor next to him. The boys around him gave him curious gazes, and Jimin reached down to pick the girl up before Jin put a hand out to stop him. 

Almost as soon as she touched the ground Ophelia scooted herself against the wall, wanting to distance herself from the men. Looking back up at the table, Ophelia didn't know whether she felt relieved or offended by how no one paid her any mind- they continued eating their breakfast and talking as if she wasn't even there. 

Hoseok looked over at the girl after a few minutes had passed. She sat curled in on herself, her lips pouted and casting a pitiful look towards the table. Hoseok cooed at the sight and held out a piece of melon for Ophelia. "Do you want some?"

Ophelia glanced at the fruit, not sure whether or not to take it. She looked at everyone else- they weren't paying much attention to her currently, so Ophelia deemed it safe to accept the offered fruit. She gave a nod, still not moving from her position against the wall. 

Hoseok chuckled at her enthusiastic nod. "You have to come get it, silly," Hoseok noted how Ophelia looked towards the others, almost as if she was fearful of approaching the table while they were watching. Nevertheless, Hoseok continued to hold out the melon with a comforting smile. Ophelia was just about to come to him when Jimin glanced her way, eyes curiously drawn to her by her movement. She immediately shrunk back down, avoiding the now sad smile on Hoseok's face.

Grabbing the bowl of mixed fruits from the table, Hoseok excused himself from his own nearly-finished breakfast. "Why are you stealing my fruit, hyung?" Jungkook playfully whined, mouth full of the fruit in question. 

"I'm going to feed Ophelia in the living room," he said, sending a quick look towards the girl in question before continuing, this time in a whisper, "I think all of us at once overwhelms her a bit too much."

[therhythmafterthesummer]

I have more question and would like to hear your thoughts on some what ifs

1) do you think autumn wouldn’t have stayed in Chan’s pack if there would have been specific rules for omegas, even if they were ones to actually protect them? Ex: when close to your heat let others know when you are going out and request of someone else go with you

2) thoughts on if Changbin just so happened to find himself in a dark alley with Autumn’s ex and he knew there would be no consequences. Mine are I doubt the guy makes it out alive

3) like how Chris in the actual band doesn’t care about seniority and let’s IN do things like hold the trophy first, get first bites ex, does this happen in the actual pack?

4)if it was just mitten and Sir P/future cats for the rest of ever by themselves, do you think he’d suffer from lone wolf syndrome? Do you think he’d notice if he did get it?

5) are lunar eclipses and solstices also important for the wolves for runs and celebrations?

6) what if instead happy zoomies from Chris when he finally learns he’s gonna be a dad, he actually gets so excited and worked up he passes out? Thoughts? Cause like tbh it would be so cute.

7) for soulmates/truemates, if one of them were to pass would the other likely die of a broken heart? If so, does it ever happen to just other mates/packmates?

-🥝

love these so much, you already know.

she could've dealt with rules for omegas depending on what the rules were. if they'd been something like "omegas tend to the household while their alphas work" or "omegas must obey higher designations" she definitely wouldn't have stayed.

wr!Changbin has had his fair dose of anger issues, and i feel like all those would resurface if he saw Hyunwoo lol. he'd definitely try to fight, and at the very least, he'll get him unconscious..

yes, yes it does. Chris just wants his pack members to follow the very few rules he's put in place (help each other out when needed, speak out if you're uncomfortable, protect each other, anyone that's coming to the building must be introduced to Chris, and he will decide whether or not they can come into the den, etc). other than that, everyone's pretty much equal.

he wouldn't notice if he were suffering from lone wolf syndrome, at least not for a while. but, kitten and sir p are part of his pack, so he wouldn't get it anyway. in this universe, lone wolf syndrome is more about the pack than it is about being surrounded by other wolves. it's also why, when jisung found them, minho was fine. he wasn't alone, he had kitten (and his mum, and sir P, and kitten's dad).

yes, yes they are! i just haven't decided how they affect werewolves in this universe ahhaha. anything related to the sun, the moon, and the stars can affect them in one way or another.

awwwww, that's cute. i don't think he'll fully pass out, but i'm sure he'll be really close to hahah. he'll either try to go on a run to let those feelings out, or not detach himself from his prettiest for a second (aka, enters annoying protection mode).

yes, soulmates/truemates would die if the other passed. we know chris x pretty are soulmates, as are hyunlix x moss. with hyunlix and moss, if two of the throuple remain alive it's very likely that they'll survive for much longer, since they have each other, you know? if two of them die, whoever's left will die of a broken heart. same thing with pretty x chris. i feel like it's obvious that if pretty died, Chris would 100% die of a broken heart. what people might question is what would happen to pretty if Chris died.... pretty is human, but the universe has tied her to Chris, so she'd also die of a broken heart if he died. regular mates wouldn't necessarily die of a broken heart, but it's very likely that they wouldn't mate ever again (it'd depend on the relationship they had, honestly). pack mates usually wouldn't die of a broken heart if one of their own passed.

hope these answer your questions and that they make sense sjkdfhskjf feel free to let me know if they don't

[notwhelmedyet]

I have finished Mission Mitten Repair aka Shitty Faux Leather Can Go Die Actually

so I got these lovely down mittens as a gift a few years ago, because I have reynauds syndrome and perennially cold fingers. They're very warm but the faux leather (or maybe bonded leather?) on the inside palms started desintegrating last year, leaving a trail of microplastics everywhere I went. Not great. They were expensive and I didn't want to chuck them, but the palmless mittens were no longer waterproof and not nearly as warm.

commence Mission Mitten Repair! Disassembling the mittens to redo the palms would have been a pain and a half so I decided to just applique another layer on top. I bought a bit of real leather (kangaroo, both bc I could find affordable offcuts in a convenient size and because it's known for being thin/flexible), scraped off all the flaking plastic I could, made pattern pieces that fit nicely over the palms & thumb, and then used the sewing machine to make stitching holes.

And then it was a week of hand sewing to get these babies back in business. It went. So. Slowly. I had to use a pair of pliers to pull the needle through on each stitch. The second mitten went much faster once I realized I could do this work while watching movies 😂

And now I have waterproof mittens again! It's very satisfying making something functional once again >:)

[izcana]

Tommy and the Newt Pt. 8

Something There - Animated: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwZEcdBMLLU&ab_channel=DisneyBluRay411 Film: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIiy7Pk44eo&ab_channel=EntertainmentAccess

***

As the seasons passed, Beauty and Beast got closer.

Let's take a look from the eyes of others, shall we?

"Wait...So let me summarise this..." Thomas muttered, rolling his eyes to the ceiling. "Newt offended a witch with his vanity, so she cursed him to look ugly and the curse has to be broken before all the petals on the roses fall? And not only that, there's only 5 more petals left? And the staff are items as a side effect of the curse put on you and the castle?"

Newt's head spun, overwhelmed by the sheer number of words that were leaping out of Tommy's (which he had grown accustomed to calling Thomas in his head) mouth. "Yes, yes, yes, and yes."

"That's so cool!" Thomas squealed. "I'm living in an actual enchanted castle!"

"Wait, who told you it was enchanted?" Gally growled from the chair next to the boys. "It was you, wasn't it, Minho?"

Minho waved a candle around, and Thomas winced when it dripped wax everywhere. He smacked Gally in the head. "Seriously, shuck-face? Since we supposedly got cursed and we're all household items, I couldn't fathom where he got the idea that this was an enchanted castle!"

Gally's cheeks (the face of the clock) starting to burn read. "Don't call me shuck-face!"

"Settle down, you two!" Newt commanded, his powerful voice booming through the room. Thomas had the sudden queer urge to tilt his head up in submission to him, or to get on his knees. He settled for bowing his head to look at the carpet instead while the others bickered amongst themselves. "Must you guys do this?" Newt groaned, flopping down onto the armchair with a mighty thud.

"Oh no, I daren't speak anymore because you commanded otherwise!" Sonya snapped back, continuing her banter with the boys. It was obvious that even with the Alpha-wolf voice, no one was listening to him.

Thomas smiled. "What are you smiling at?" Newt asked, and his voice had a...softness to it, almost as though it was more rounded from how he interacted with the others before. The reason being that Newt was definitely starting to develop a soft spot for the boy with the amber eyes. He was always so adorably curious, and naive, too (not to mention beautiful. Absolutely beautiful). If Newt threw him into the real world, he'd have 1 second of peace before a protective urge struck him, and he would turn back for Tommy.

When Newt thought about Tommy, he got a tingling feeling in his stomach that he'd never felt before. He had the urge to impress him, to make him happy.

He felt sick, but sick with what, he didn't know.

Minho observed Newt from the corner of his eye while Sonya and Gally bickered good naturally. They were going to get together one day, Minho just knew it. Anyway, being the good friend he was to Newt, he could read the other boy's mind almost as if it was his own, and he was positive that Newt was thinking about his newfound feeling for Thomas, or Tommy, as had slipped out of Newt's mouth once or twice.

Newt didn't know why he was feeling what he was?

He was sick. Sick with love, Minho thought. For the first time.

––––––––––––––––––––––––

Thomas giggled as the soft, fluffy snow landed on the tip of his nose.

"You're going crossed eyed," Newt huffed, wiping the smudge of snow off Thomas' nose with a fond smile.

Thomas grinned at the feeling of the soft fur on the fingers of Newt's hands. They made for a perfectly warm cover for his nose, which was bright red from multiple snowflakes. "Your fur is soft," he told Newt, wincing after it came out of his mouth. Jorge often told Thomas that he needed to "control his filtre", but as far as Thomas was concerned, he didn't have one.

"Thank you," Newt replied, sending him a fond look.

"Watch out!" That was the only warning Thomas gave before he bundled up snow in his hands, which were covered with knitted mittens (courtesy of Teresa), and threw the snow ball straight at the back of Newt's head. Newt only stood dumbly as the pale snow spattered him and left white flecks on his dark fur.

"I'm going to AAHHHHH!" Thomas squealed as Newt brunched up a giant snowball and thrusted it to Thomas with full force. The impact knocked Thomas over, and he, thankfully, landed in the drift of snow beneath his feet. "Not cool!" Thomas said, shivering as he stood up. "Not cool!"

––––––––––––––––––––––––

"There's something sweet," Thomas told Teresa as he curled up in his bed, waiting for sleep to take him from the darkness.

"What?" Teresa whispered back, getting ready for sleep as well. "You're going to have to tell me, Tom!"

"And it's sort of kind, too," Thomas continued, not leading her words. "But...I don't know. He was mean, coarse...unrefined. This is...different."

"What are you talking about, Tom?" Teresa asked, stifling a yawn. She was pretty sure what, or of whom, she should say, Thomas was talking about, but she couldn't afford to get her hopes up. She wasn't even sure it was who she thought it was (though who else could it be?) and if it was, it definitely didn't mean romantic interest. From Thomas' side, at least. Teresa was observant; it's why she worked as Chancellor Paige's apprentice. She could detect the signs of love in Newt's whole demeanour – it was like his body sceamed "I'M SICK WITH LOVE! I'M IN LOVE WITH THOMAS!" and flashed a neon sign in Teresa's mind.

"I can't believe that I...like him now, Tess!" Thomas whined. "I mean, one moment I hated him, another I resented, but now, I sort of...enjoy his company?"

Before Teresa could interject... "Oh gosh, Teresa," Thomas called out to the chilly air around them. "This isn't Stockholm Syndrome, is it? Oh no, I have Stockholm Syndrome?"

Teresa rolled her eyes. Thomas was...clueless, to say the least. Couldn't anyone recognise the things called "feelings", "genuine affection", or "love"? Sure, the last one was a far stretch (at least, for now) but it was still something that neither boy knew how to tell from first sight, or even second. "You don't have Stockholm Syndrome, dummy," she snorted out. "It's natural that you like Newt; I thought that you'd get along."

"He's just so...different now! He's so unsure around me!" It's because he likes you! Teresa wanted to scream, but she knew it wasn't her secret to tell. She was only an outsider for this, and it was not her place to interfere with the dynamics; they would settle themselves out, eventually. Eventually.

"Maybe," Teresa added in blandly, sticking with the nonchanlent replies.

"I wonder...I wonder why I didn't see it there before?" Thomas questioned, and he didn't say anything else.

A few minutes further, Thomas was asleep, his face smushed into his pillow. Teresa's eyes remained wide, thinking about the last question. Why didn't he see it there before?

––––––––––––––––––––––––

"He just...glanced this way, you know?" Newt said, grunting. He was sat next to the fireplace, the others beside him on a few spare cushions and chairs. "And I thought I saw that something changed. I just felt...different, you know? Like he felt different about me so I should, too."

"Really?" Sonya asked, her voice laced with just the right tone of sarcasm.

Newt didn't notice; he had his eyes focused into a centre point in the fireplace, as though it was the secret to all their problems. Gally hadn't seen Newt like this ever since...ever since Katie McVoy happened. Granted, Gally didn't interact with Newt often before the curse, except to be his rival or when he was summoned to Newt's chambers to work, but Newt was never this focused. Thomas must be special if Newt was succumbed in dreamland speculating about him.

"Yeah," Newt replied dreamily. "He didn't shudder at my paw, did you know?"

"We did," Minho informed him bluntly (and quite brutally, in Gally's opinion). "We were there."

"It just can't be, though."

"Give it a few days more," Harriet snorted. "Then it will be."

Gally quite agreed with them; anyone could see the chemistry between those two, but nobody brought their hopes up. Newt, when he was younger, had many a fling, and none of them went down that path. Then again, none of them were situated with these circumstances, and none of those people were Thomas, either.

"Maybe since it wasn't there before..." Newt observed.

"Perhaps," Minho echoed, blowing out his candles and lying down, reclining against the sofa.

––––––––––––––––––––––––

"This is so new," Thomas murmured to Harriet as he sat crossed legged on the rug. The days were getting colder, and he was going out to his balcony less often, though he visited the gardens plenty, as by permission of Newt. He had gotten used to spending days chatting with the staff, notably Teresa, Harriet, and Minho, or pestering Newt for books. "Did you think I would be...like this? And that Newt and I would be friends?"

Harriet played a cheerful tune. "It is funny, indeed," she replied dutifully.

"I mean, true," Thomas grinned. "He's no Prince Charming..."

If Harriet could move, she could've tensed at that. Per see, since she couldn't, the only thing that changed was that her melody stopped. Not that Thomas noticed. "But there's just something I didn't notice there before, you know? I simply didn't see it. I wish I had."

––––––––––––––––––––––––

"Who'd have thought?" Minho asked Gally. "That forest attack brought them together."

"Yeah, who'd have known?" Sonya wondered where she was leaned against Harriet.

"It is peculiar, yes," Harriet chimed in. "Let's just wait and see; maybe it'd develop into something more."

"Just a few days more," Gally agreed.

"There was just...something that there wasn't there before."

"Wait," Sonya cut in. "Did you just...rhyme your sentences? I mean –––"

"Shut up, Lizzy," Minho grumbled.

"Sure," Sonya, or Lizzy grinned, shaking her brightly coloured feathers around at Minho. The dust flew all over the place, and Minho coughed.

"Hey! What was that for?!"

***

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part IX | Part X

[evak-fic-rec-turtleanon]

Evak Fics - Coffee Shop

** Coffee shop comic ** Additional ice cream/cake fics ** Fics where there's no coffee shop but it involves coffee lol ** Coffee shop fics ** Bonus Nooreva fic

***** COMIC *****

KB au comic by @elli-skam 

P01,  P02,  P03,  P04,  P05,  P06 P07,  P08,  P09,  P10,  P11,  P12 extra art 

Instagram: elli_skam

***** ICE CREAM/CAKE ***** 

ice cream at 2am by hippopotamus (1.1k words) - isak goes to the shop for ice cream and ends up getting something else as well

Ice Cream Parlor by glbertblythes (1.5k words) - AU where Even works at an ice cream parlor as a summer job and Isak really likes the ice cream and he and Even play a game where Even tries to guess Isak's favorite flavor of ice cream but every time he gets it wrong, he gives Isak the ice cream for free.

You’ll never believe how ice cream helped this man to get a date by nofeartina (3.3k words) - 5 times Isak buys ice cream for Magnus and 1 time Even buys it for Isak.

blow out all the candles by shadesofcool (4.1k words) - It's Eskild's birthday, Even works at a cake shop and Isak doesn't know how to make tea.

***** INVOLVING COFFEE ***** 

Morning Person by dani (wormstash) (881 words) - Isak is not a morning person.

Right Now by YellowSpatula (1.1k words) - In another universe, they meet on the street and smell of coffee.

Morning Activities by glbertblythes (1.4k words) - Even wants his coffee - Isak is sorta in his way - but Isak makes an offer.

"Ah, Sorry, Sorry!" by bazsucks (1.5k words) - "So rude, because someone hasn’t gotten his grumpy boy coffee today." Even keeps speaking whenever Isak doesn’t. He loves that about him. He loves everything about him.

Med Student Syndrome by frenc (1.8k words) - In which slightly paranoid med student Isak tries not to diagnose his boyfriend with diseases he learned in the textbook. And Even fails to hide a coffee burn from him.

The Study Buddy by wordsarelifealways (2k words) - In this universe, Even meets Isak when he pours Red Bull into a black coffee at 7.15AM to cope with a morning class. Even's inner barista is horrified, but damn if the boy isn't cute.

***** COFFEE SHOP ***** 

Bees by spoopydumpling (562 words) - "Even come home" "Miss me?" "Hell no, there’s a BEE in our BEDROOM"

blood on the leaves by queerness (597 words) - In which Isak's hands are weapons, Even's nose bleeds too easy, and Green Tea Créme Fraps are present.

in every universe by queerness (632 words) - The first time your soulmate touches you, a handprint stays there for the rest of your life.

Feeling Weird, Feeling Happy by wesoftandfluffy (735 words) - A boy with blues eyes, blonde hair and a very nice smile makes Isak feel shy, weird and very very happy

Maybe I´m a little jealous by parttimehuman (743 words) - Just Isak not being jealous at all.

i think i recognise your face but i've never seen you before by monsterandmana (914 words) - Even works in a coffee shop. Isak is on the coffee run. It's Christmas.

sweet creature by Skamtrash (1k words) - Along the lines of "We’re both baristas and sometimes I have trouble reaching for things and I show up to work one day to find a personalized stool with hearts and my name on it i hATE YOU but also thanks"

remember what your old pal said by colazitron (1k words) - Mikael hangs out at KB during Even's shift. Not evak centric

seventeen days by hippopotamus (1.1k words) - Isak had come to know him, in his head, as coffee shop guy. Sometimes, when he was tired, and had no filter on the thoughts as they travelled from the back of his mind to the front - he would call him hot coffee shop guy. Sometimes even fucking beautiful.

Flat White and a Moment of Bravery by Bellakitse (1.1k words) - Isak is having a crap morning until he walks into his local cafe and sees his favorite barista.

I Like You A Latte by i_once_wrote_a_dream (1.2k words) - It’s not love. Not yet. But Even’s certain it will be.

Handsome Mystery Boy by waitineedaname (1.3k words) - Even thought working at a coffee shop would be the perfect way to meet his soulmate. They had to give him their name for the order, and his name was there for everyone to see on his nametag. It was a flawless plan. Or, it would be if the handsome boy in the snapback would actually give him his real name.

Good days start with coffee and you by starfishunicorntea (1.3k words) - Isak is tired, ill and cold but he has an exam he has to get to so he decides a cup of coffee can make his day more bearable.

Forget-me-not by FrkAnn (1.5k words) - Even is curious about the name Lea on Isak's parent's house door and Isak decides it's time to share.

I HEARD YOUR NAME by cromulent (1.6k words) - Break up fic. i thought i needed you, but then you left me and i realized i don't.

Woo Me With Your Words by obscurial (1.6k words) - It’s not very often that Isak finds the confidence within himself to approach a handsome guy in a café. (A coffee shop au in which Even is Isak's favourite author.)

I Think I'm Falling (I Think I'm Falling For You) by MacksDramaticShenanigans (1.7k words) - Isak isn’t sure if it’s this guy’s incredibly endearing face or the fact that he didn’t just order a fucking Pumpkin Spice Latte, but he suddenly really really wants to kiss him.

Defending My Honour by wordsarelifealways (1.7k words) - Isak's sure it's about a thousand degrees in Oslo, but it won't be as hot as the hellfire he's going to rain down upon the customer he sees yelling at Even.

I'm FALLing for you by Schedazzle (1.7k words) - It always crept up on Even, one moment everything was green and the next the whole world seemed yellow and cozy and just so nice. This feeling only grew when the little bell above the door went off and his favorite customer came in.

your hands next to mine by hippopotamus (1.8k words) - When he takes the drink, his fingers brush Even’s. He clears his throat and mumbles out a “oh, uh, sorry, thanks,” and escapes before Even can even process any of it.

The one where Even isn't a stalker... by Ye_Olde_Hedgehog (2k words) - There is a sad lack of coffee in this coffee shop au. Instead there is a bit of mutual pining and some very exasperated friends.

Ready For Those Flashing Lights by ultimatelawrence (2.1k words) - It was meant to be harmless: taking a sneak photo of a hot stranger to send to Eva. Expect it's not so harmless when the flash is on.

Lemon and Ginger: Coffee Shop AU by fictitious99 (2.1k words) - 4 times Even bought a pretentious herbal tea and one time he bought one for Isak.

Mitten found by Kollakolan (2.1k words) - It’s a mitten. And not just any mitten, this is clearly a hand made very personal mitten with a small flowery pattern knitted by some one who put a lot of love into the work. On top of the mitten “Emil” is embroidered. Shit.

Peppermint Mocha by Jules1398 (2.1k words) - Eva's new boyfriend comes in everyday and orders a peppermint mocha and, well, Isak is definitely NOT falling in love with him.

The Hot Muffin Thief by Bellakitse (2.2k words) - There is a magical muffin at the café where Isak's buddy Jonas works. It's Isak's lifeline, he has it every day and then one day some hot art hipster steals his muffin.

do you like or like, like me? by cosetties (2.2k words) - Isak is totally down for supporting Jonas through the whole liking boys thing, but it's a little hard when that boy is Even.

The Stars Align by VenezuelanWriter (2.4k words) - There's a bakery. Prince Isak and barista Even.

sickeningly sweet like honey by thekardemomme (2.4k words) - Even likes to write pickup lines on Isak's cup.

cups of coffee by slvtherxn (2.8k words) - Even has a giant crush on a boy he doesn’t know, and he’s waiting for the perfect movie-moment to finally meet him. The only problem is that life has a different plan.

A Look Across (a fraction of) the Multiverse by rhys_withoutaspoon (2.9k words) - a look across the multiverse. The coffee shop au is the second one.

I'm not the kind of fool who's gonna sit and sing to you about stars by Plantsandplanets (3k words) - Second year is rough. Isak buys expensive text books with the money his dad sends him and silently worries about Even paying for everything before Even soothes his concerns with soft words and softer touches. His eyes tell Isak to stop worrying, please. Isak nods because Even asked him to even if he didn’t say so.

A Spoon Full of Sugar by MacksDramaticShenanigans (3.3k words) - A spoon. Spoons. Spooning. God, a proper cuddle sounded absolutely heavenly right now. What Isak would give to crawl into bed, burrow into some cozy blankets, and curl into someone’s (Even’s) arms. They could just lay there, maybe Even would trace shapes into Isak’s back, or maybe he’d play with his hair— it didn't matter to Isak, either sounded lovely. It would be warm and comfortable and he’d finally be able to catch up on all the sleep he’d missed.

Five (5) times Isak and Even found each other, in different universes. by AnonymousPoet (3.3k words) - Parallel universe. The coffee shop one is the first one.

Cookies and Cream by GayaIsANerd (3.5k words) - Isak has a crush on the barista. He's too scared to do anything about it, but luckily there's a blizzard coming up.

Baby, You're a Knockout by wordsarelifealways (3.5k words) - Even has been crushing on the cute boy who comes into the university cafe for weeks, but he never expected a minor head injury to be how their relationship got started.

If You're Under Him [You Ain't Getting Over Him] - Part I by givemesumaurgravy (3.7k words) - First fic of a SERIES. Isak Valtersen is happy. He's finally starting his surgical rotation at the hospital where he hopes to work someday and he's happily married to his best friend. But then Isak meets Even, the intriguing new barista where he gets his daily coffee. And that's when shit really starts to hit the fan. Affair au

And I'll find myself in your eyes one day by Evak2121 (Marshmallows07) (3.8k words) - Isak and Even fall in love one day in the Sun

Five Stars by bri_ness (3.9k words) - Even works at a café and is infamous in Yelp reviews as a flirtatious, charming barista. But he’s never wanted to take anyone home—until he meets a man with thirty-eight expressions, an affinity for eye rolls, and a deep hatred of pumpkin spice.

I like my sugar with coffee and cream by imminentinertia (4k words) - 5 times Even buys a coffee +1 time Isak buys a shirt.

For next day will a stranger bring by lovelycarcass (4k words) - On Tuesdays, without fail, Isak's first customer orders a drink at the café, gives a name and leaves. He never uses the same name twice.

Coffee and Krylon by gayashecklmao (4.1k words) - Caught in a daydream filled with technicolor and floating spray paint cans, he doesn't hear the bell above the shops' door ring, indicating that someone has come in. Only when he hears Eva shout an unidentifiable order at him does he turn around. There before him, on the other side of the counter, is possibly one of the prettiest people he’s ever seen.

you keep robbing my heart like a bank by xhorans (4.2k words) - 'How are you, Even?' 'Better now my new favourite customer is here,' in which Isak has a crush on hot barista Even and it's nearly valentine's day

i can't get it right by noirophelia (4.3k words) - “You forgot your sketchbook,” Isak says a bit out of breath and he doesn’t even know why. He has a feeling it’s just what Even usually does to him. Leaving him breathless. “Thank you, Isak,” Then Even smiles and Isak is just. Gone. “You shouldn’t have left your work place for that. Could have just messaged me or something.”

My mind was somewhere else, I guess by rosecolored_girl (4.6k words) - How did Even end up working at Nissen cafeteria? Let's just put it this way: He graduated last year at Bakka, took a gap year to pursue his dreams of traveling the world, realized he didn't have any money to even buy a freaking plane ticket to start with, spent the entire summer feeling sorry for himself...and now, he got a job at high school. Serving people only two or three years younger than him. Great. kinda coffee shop au except it's a cafeteria

from my lips my sin is purged by slvtherxn (4.8k words) - After Even's last relationship with his coworker ended quite messily, his boss has forbidden him from dating any more of her employees. It takes him ten seconds alone with his new trainee before he decides to date him in secret.

he tasted like coffee and lemon drops. by glbertblythes (5.7k words) - Isak gets stood up at Kaffebrenneriet, Even brings him a hot chocolate, and they get to talking.

Don't worry, I've got you by everything_else (5.7k words) - Isak groaned. “Just because I’m new doesn’t mean you can give me the shit jobs” “I’m not. It’s either that or bleaching the toilet, you can choose if you want.” “Okay fine.” Even took another drink of his beer, and cast a teasing look at Isak. “I give you a week.”

(Baby) It's Cold Outside by himmelsky (6.1k words) - December is approaching, but Isak isn’t feeling the Christmas spirit. Barista guy, aka Even, wants it differently.

because your eyes said you were feeling it too by spoopydumpling (6.1k words) - Even and Isak meet when their friends send them on a blind date.

In Sickness and In Health by Flatfootmonster (6.2k words) - That one time he caught me looking through the window, I thought I had to do it then—or I never would. I was sick of being tongue tied—I still am. And so, when I’d finished my coffee, I wrote on the cup: ‘I like you’. That was it. I wasn’t even sure if he was going to read it, but I saw him watch me write it; peering over the counter in the curious way he does, like I’m doing something completely amusing that I’m also entirely unaware of. Then I picked up my things and scrambled for the door, almost sending someone’s drink flying over their laptop.

Large Americano, Extra Milk and Sugar by daigina (6.5k words) - It's almost Valentine's Day. Mikael has a new job. Even has a new crush and no courage. This makes for lots of pining Evens, frustrated Mikaels, and spilled coffee.

five times even watched from afar and one time he didn't have to by alotofphandoms (7k words) - Even sees Isak around so many times that he's sure it's destiny and he's determined to not let him get away. So he watches from afar before he doesn't have to anymore.

all I see is you by littlemovie (Lejla) (7.4k words) - “Aren’t you gonna ask me why I’m a bad person?” Isak somehow whined and demanded at the same time. Jonas blew out a breath in amusement, which made the dark curls on his forehead move with his breath. “I’m guessing it has something to do with that guy, Even, from the coffeeshop?” Isak nodded his head pathetically.

closer to free by Skamtrash (7.7k words) - Even works at a coffee shop that Isak always studies in and Even has been crushing on him from afar for way too long so Elias makes them happen

Make a spark, break the dark, find a light with me by LostInAdmiration (8k words) - Isak can't sleep, so spends his nights wandering around the street. Even works the night shift at the store around the corner, and they bond over their mutual insomnia.

Cuddle Monsters by sikily (8.2k words) - One spoke of true love and the other a critic, But Christmas would be the day to believe in magic, A wink of his eye and a tilt of his head, And Isak became a believer instead.

Crying Over Spilt Milk by MacksDramaticShenanigans (8.4k words) - The boys get their hands on Isak’s resume; Isak gets his hands on Even.

baby we've got new love by itjustkindahappened (9.5k words) - Isak is hella fucking gay and desperately single, and Eskild wants to change that. Even just has a thing about timing. Coffee shop AU with an ironic amount of tea enthusiasm and a whole lot of pining.  

Second helping's always better by diamondjacket (10k words) - A sequel. Coming into this last-minute coffee date, Even had honestly thought that once the sheen of the previous day had worn off, things would be different. That he could see Isak and keep a level head, that he wouldn’t be overcome with the urge to just...taste him everywhere. No such luck.

possibly (maybe) i’m falling for you by boxesofflowers, Eeyoreneedsahug, safficwriter (10k words) - Even tries to get Isak to smile with coffee. Every time he buys Isak coffee, he becomes more determined to find the perfect drink (and falls in love along the way).

The One Where Even Goes On a Blind Date by valtersheim (10k words) - Eskild forgets to find someone for Isak for their double blind date and he approaches the first attractive man he sees in Kaffebrenneriet.

Ground Me by Bellakitse (13k words) - In which despite his father helping with rent, Isak still needs money and therefore a job. Isak gets a job at a cafe and meets a barista who's beauty blows Isak away.

A Thin Line Between Hate and… Other Stuff by TheFilthWithin (Flatfootmonster) (14k words) - Isak is studying while working at a coffee shop. His life is Ok... ish. Filled with lies, mocchiato's, and hook ups, fate storms in and lends a hand in the shape of Mr Spielberg, AKA film director Even.

something in the language of trees by scarletbluebird (20k words) - This woman, Isak thinks, must really love her son. He keeps spinning the coffee cup for a good minute, mulling it over. He still feels weird about it, but it’s not like he’s signing a contract in blood or anything. And he’s already going to see Even at the party later in the week, so it could work. the one where Isak's job really is to Be Even's Friend

You're a different kind of new by LostInAdmiration (23k words) - Even has had a hopeless crush on Isak for months now, but has never been brave enough to talk to him. Luckily, Isak decides to make the first move by rescuing Even from unwanted attention at a party

take me as i am by argentae (24k words) - He isn’t crushing, and nevertheless this guy has become a Problem, because whenever he’s on shift he’s made it increasingly difficult for Isak to really spend his time productively. Sure, he could just find another place to study but he likes the access to coffee here even though he actually kind of hates the bitterness of it and he’s just not going to let himself get swept aside because of this guy.

don't you keep it all to yourself by colazitron (24k words) - Isak starts buying daily coffees before school at Kaffebrenneriet around the corner because it tastes better than the coffee in the cafeteria and keeps his hands warm. But mostly because the barista is heart-stoppingly cute. An AU in which Even didn't need to repeat his last year and instead started working at the coffeeshop Isak passes on his way to school every morning.

is it gravity, or are we falling in love? by mels (28k words) - Isak works at a coffee shop. There's two things he loves about the morning shift: 1, how beautiful the city is when it's sleeping and 2, avoiding the hot guy who he happens to have a crush on. Until one faithful day, he has no choice but to work with his crush.

Caught in the Middle by dvorahbee (30k words) - Even keeps seeing the cutest boy around campus and in his new favourite coffee shop. He'll slowly get to know Isak but he'll have to go on a journey of self-acceptance and love at the same time.

A Fucking Bet by Crazyheart (32k words) - Isak and Even are just friends. They make a bet and decide to fuck only five times and then go back to being friends again. Isak hopes that he might be able to fuck his crush out of his system, once and for all. Who knows what Even’s motives are.

Just your average ordinary everyday Superhero by vorfm95 (34k words) - Isak works for the governament fixing the chaos caused by the Yeti a young superhero who protects the streets of Oslo. It's just a superhero soulmate Au. (oof this fic tho)

Golden Boy by alotofphandoms (43k words) - Isak thinks his life is great until Even Bech Naesheim waltz in and starts taking him out on dates. (Mostly fluff and flirting but I live for angst so there's a little bit of that to keep it interesting)

Scrim by scritch (45k words) - Isak works as a lighting technician in a theatre. He's under strict instructions not to talk to the actors. This is all fine, until he meets Even.

such a beautiful mess by skambition (48k words) - Isak works at Kaffebrenneriet to save up some money for a trip with his friends. Normally, working there is chill. Until Isak starts to work together with Even, an arrogant hipster with horrible taste in music, that keeps using the phrase 'sex hair' and is not only judgemental and stupid, but also so hot that Isak sometimes can't breathe around him. Isak hates him. Until he doesn't.

What If? by MermaidsandMermen (SophiaSoames) (57k words) - What if Skam never happened? What if Even is just an awkward boy working in a coffee shop? What if Isak is just the loneliest boy in the world? What if Even is slightly obsessed with Isak? And what if Isak is spending every afternoon in a freaking coffee shop? Because he can OK? It’s not because he feels like at least he isn’t alone when he is there. Not that he actually talks to Even. Not that he thinks Even is the prettiest boy he has ever seen. It’s not like that. It’s not.

Lover Of My Impossible Soul by shoulderbone (lavenderforluck) (66k words) - Part 2 of Pointing at the Moon SERIES. Possible spoilers if you haven't read the first part: We don't often reveal ourselves, when we don't actually know what there is to reveal yet. Or, alternatively: Isak returns to Oslo, and most importantly, to Even.

with love, from anonymous by cosetties, iriswests (136k words) - Isak just wants to get his coffee in peace, Even has a crush, and there's a secret admirer on the loose.

***** BONUS NOOREVA 

untitled by princevaltersen (15k words) - Eva knew she had a crush on Noora and she couldn’t refuse it at all.

[lemonadeswift]

Luca (And Dodger) 2 Months

Rated: G

Pairing: Chris Evans/Sebastian Stan

Summary: Dodger reacts to the new arrival.

Warnings: mentions of Neonatal Abstinince Syndrome in passing.

-

Flying with a two month old had been no joke. Poor little Luca had been fussy and uncomfortable the whole time. And on top of that, they’d been in coach. They’d gotten an array of both sympathetic looks and annoyed ones from a number of passengers while walking him up and down the aisle to try and console him a little bit. He hadn’t completely calmed down until they were on the ground again. Thankfully, he hadn’t been seizing or trembling at all since they left the hospital. The treatments had seemed to work. They’d still have to keep a close eye on him for the following month but it really seemed like the withdrawals were over.

-

Currently they were in their SUV on the way home. Sebastian was sitting in the back seat with Luca. Luca was greedily drinking from his bottle. His little greenish-blue eyes looking up at his dad from underneath a soft little baby blue hat. His tiny hands were still covered with mittens so he didn’t hurt himself And his small body was swaddled to keep him calm and warm. It was fall but it felt like winter here in New England.

“You done?” Sebastian asked as he pulled the bottle away. Luca snuffed and murmured and his little arms flailed in an answer. Sebastian lifted him out of the seat to put him over his shoulder to burp him and with two good burps he pulled him away whispering praises.

“Ah, good burp, good for you,” he said. As he put him back into his car seat and buckled him back up. Chris looked up and smiled as he caught a glimpse of the two in his rear view. Sebastian then took a moment to look outside. They were almost home. Another ten minutes and they’d be there.

-

The sun was just beginning it’s slow decent in the sky. It was a little after midday when Chris pulled into their garage. The car turned off and the two new parents got out of the car. Chris got the luggage from the trunk while Sebastian handled Luca. Luca was quietly wiggling around in his car seat looking around with wonder and trying to fit his covered hands into his mouth. He made a happy little cooing sound as he was moved from the car and carried by Sebastian over to the stairs to get inside.

“Dodger’s here, do you think we should introduce them now?”

“Yeah, sure, he’s been around plenty of babies and children before, but let me go in and greet him separately first and then we can switch so he has a moment to get excited before we bring Luca in. You know he gets excited when we come home,” Sebastian nodded.

Chris went in first. He put the keys down on the counter and called out for Dodger in a moment the happy mutt was barreling towards him. Tongue lulling out and and jumping up at him, they hadn’t seen each other in two and a half weeks so the excitement was warranted.

“Hey bubba! Hey, yes. I missed you too! I missed you so much,” Dodger happily yipped and jumped and licked at Chris’s face as he greeted him. “Good boy,” Chris said. “Now stay,” Dodger stayed where he was asked. Tail wagging happily. A few moments later Sebastian entered and was given the same treatment as Chris with happily excited licks to the face and paws on his shoulders as he knelt down to greet him.

“You are such a good boy, I missed you too, yes I did, you’re the best,” he praised the dog and continued to generously pet him all over. “Now, guess what? We’ve got someone for you to meet, come here,” he said, he clipped Dodger’s leash on him. Dodger looked confused. They knew he’d just been on a walk because their Dog Walker had just updated them that he’d been on one before they came home.

“You’ll see,” he promised the dog. He knocked on the outside door that led to the garage to signal that it was okay for Chris to come inside with the baby. The door opened slowly and Chris stepped inside. Luca in the car seat. Dodgers ears immediately perked up when he heard the soft sounds of the baby cooing and gurgling from the seat he did a little round about, walking in a circle. His tail wagging as he got closer to Chris who was holding the carriage up high.

“Dodger, this is your new little brother, do you want to say hi? If so you have to sit,” he told the dog. Dodger sat down, right there in the side of the entrance way and let his tail thump on the ground lightly as he waited for farther instruction. Slowly Chris lowered the carriage to the floor, telling Dodger to stay as he did so. Dodger didn’t move from his spot as Chris waited.

“Good boy,” Chris told Dodger and that was Dodger’s cue to stand. As if on instinct he came up to the baby carriage and sniffed around. Not licking or jumping or doing anything wrong. He’d been around babies before but it was like he was taking extra care around this one. He kept his distance and didn’t put his face into the seat. Staying around the boarder as he sniffed. Luca cooed again, little hands coming out far enough to touch Dodger. Dodger just let the baby gently bat at him. Finally he got closer. His nose gently nudging at Luca’s little head as he sniffed him. Luca’s head moved as he tried to follow the dog’s movements. Neither one seemed distressed. Only curious about one and other. Dodger slowly sniffed down Luca’s little body before sitting down in front of the baby carrier. He tilted his head one way and then another before leaning in again and getting right up into Luca’s face.

“Whoa, Dodger-“ Sebastian cut himself off when Luca gave a happy squeal snuffle and his arms flailed around as Dodger licked the side of his face. Luca was laughing. It was a sound they’d only heard one other time and it warned both of their hearts to hear it for the second time directed back at Dodger. Dodger didn’t bark or startle at the sudden loud noise. He just sniffed again at the top of Luca’s head before sitting back and then looking up at Chris. A wide doggy smile on his face. As if to say “I like it, what is it? Are we keeping it?” All in one. Chris gave Dodger a pat on the head and told him he was a good boy once again as he went to get a baby wipe from the counter to wipe off Luca’s face from dog slobber. After Luca was clean Sebastian headed upstairs with him nestled into his arms, while Chris took a moment to take a few work phone calls he’d been putting off. Dodger followed Sebastian up stairs. Taking the steps two by two and arriving at the top first. Dodger trotted over to the nursery without prompting. A very smart dog indeed, Sebastian thought. He smiled at Dodger as he entered into the room. Dodger followed him inside. Sebastian took a seat in the comfortable rocker. He unswaddled Luca partway, Not wanting him to overheat inside. He let the blanket draped across his arm and lap as he held Luca on top of it as he rocked him slowly to sleep. It didn’t take long, the baby was tired. Dodger had taken a vigilant watch a few feet away from Sebastian. He was relaxed but still alert. Lying on his stomach but with his head up and panting. Ready to jump up at a moments notice of danger. When Sebastian stood Dodger did as well. Sebastian slowly lowered Luca into the crib, he turned the mobile above his crib on, it was a set of glowing stars and moons. The mobile could be hooked up through Bluetooth to play lullabies or simply just spin and twinkle. He put it on the latter setting this time. Dodger sat by the crib. Watching as Sebastian brushed a soft hand over Luca’s tiny head before he leaned against the crib to just watch him sleep for a while. Luca didn’t move much in his sleep. Occasionally he smacked his little lips together and his hand would twitch but there were no violent seizing motions or twitches like there had been early on before the withdrawal. Then it had been hard to watch him sleep. Too painful of a reminder that there was nothing more they could do to help his pain and suffering, now that he was sleeping calmly Sebastian felt like he could watch him for hours as his tiny chest rose and fell Sebastian felt himself falling more and more in love.

Finally after another fifteen minutes of watching him sleep Sebastian straightened up. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Dodger stand at attention as well. Sebastian reached down to pet him.

“Good boy,” he said, “come on, this way, let’s let him sleep.” Sebastian was standing in the door frame. He hadn’t heard he tinkle of Dodger’s collar following so he looked back. Dodger looked unsure as he stood between Luca and Sebastian. He glanced back at Luca in the crib, as if to say, “you’re just gonna leave him? Are you sure that he’s gonna be okay?” As if to prove his thoughts Dodger turned his head back and gave a little whine. Sebastian chuffed at the sweet gesture.

“Come on bud, he’ll be fine. He needs to sleep for now. You two can hang out later,” he told him. And with a few more cursory glances back Dodger finally trotted over to the open door. Sebastian hooked the baby monitor to his belt and turned the volume all the way up as he cracked the door behind him.

-

Sebastian reached the top of the stairs ready to head down. Once again caught off guard when Dodger wasn’t at his heels. He looked back, Dodger was again glancing back at the half closed door. Sebastian let out a low chuckle,

“Come on Bub, Luca will be okay, I promise,” Sebastian went back over to Dodger and knelt down in front of him to scratch him behind the ear.

“I promise, he’ll be okay, let’s let him sleep for now, you want to go outside? Dad brought you back some new dog treats? Maybe we can play fetch, huh? How does that sound?” He asked Dodger at the word “Treats” and “outside” his ears perked up and he was following Sebastian down the stairs with a pep in his steps.

-

The next day Chris had Luca propped up in a baby chair in the living room as he sorted through a pile of paperwork. Sebastian was somewhere else in the house doing some sort of chore. Probably laundry. But Chris didn’t know. Every few moments he’d find himself looking up and smiling at the sight in front of him. Luca was in his chair playfully batting at the dangling rattling, crinkly, and shiny objects hanging from the handle above him while dodger lied out half curled around the chair with his head in his paws. Dodger had really taken to the two month old in the last 24 hours. As soon as Sebastian had woken up at the cries in the middle of the night Dodger had too. He had followed Sebastian into the baby’s room and stayed with Sebastian and Luca until Luca was quiet and sleeping again. This happened three more times throughout the night and each time Dodger was up and alert and ready to protect and watch. He even did his own check of the crib every time before leaving the room and it warmed Sebastian and Chris’s hearts to see.

-

Luca was in his baby carrier crying his eyes out. They’d taken him to the doctor after the fourth day of near constant crying. Dodger, the poor pup, had only been able to take so much before retreating outside to his Doghouse. It wasn’t colic and Sebastian and Chris were glad of that. They’d done all they could think of. He didn’t need a change, he didn’t want food, didn’t need to be burped, rocked, held, or anything else. It was breaking Chris’s heart to have to watch and was quite frankly, driving Sebastian slightly mad. But he remained calm. Doing all he could think of. Currently Luca was in his carrier on the floor, still bawling his little hands and legs flailing as he did so. Chris came in from Dodger’s morning walk. Unlike usual for the past few days Dodger didn’t immediately head outside. This time he slowly and cautiously walked up to the carriage. Chris was about to call him back but Dodger didn’t bark or pounce, he instead placed his paw on it and began to rock it slightly. Still crying, Luca opened his eyes. And for the first time in a few hours he paused in his crying. His hands coming out and reaching for the dog. Dodger moves forward. He began licking Luca’s head and Luca’s little fists fisted themselves in his fur. Dodger pulled away and stopped licking but he sat down, resting his body over the baby carrier completely and just lying there. Chris and Sebastian watched on with awe as Luca slowly stopped crying his cries fading to quiet whimpers and then silence before soft and content cooing sounds replaced them as Luca continued to run his little hands through Dodger’s fur.

“Well would you look at that?” Chris commented coming over to Sebastian. Sebastian was still shocked himself.

“You couldn’t have tried this three days ago Dodge?” He wondered aloud. Chris laughed,

“He’s a Good boy,”

“That he is,” Sebastian said as he sighed. Closing his eyes for a moment and relishing in the silence for the first time in days.

-

From then on whenever Luca would start wailing Dodger would come running. If Luca was crying in his crib Dodger would stick a paw or a snout through the bars and as soon as Luca saw him he’d begin to calm down. It was almost like magic. When Luca would be playing on his play mat during the day dodger would sit and watch from his spot close by where the sun would shine in through the window. When Luca would push a ball a little out of his reach (before he started crawling) Dodger would be sure to nudge it back before the whimpering started.

Dodger was taking his duties as big brother very seriously and it warmed Chris’s heart the most to see baby and dog bonding so well.

The only place they drew the line at was when Luca was sleeping at night. Dodger wasn’t allowed in the room and there was a baby gate that opened and closed for that reason at Luca’s door. Dodger was the best baby monitor there was at night though, because he’d be jumping onto Chris and Sebastian’s bed before the cries got loud enough to wake them up to let them know Luca was up and needing attention.

[easyhairstylesbest]

Poet Amanda Gorman Opens Up to Michelle Obama About Impostor Syndrome and Being in the Spotlight

President Joe Biden’s inauguration this January had a number of surprise stars: Second daughter Ella Emhoff’s coat, former First Lady Michelle Obama’s belt, Senator Bernie Sander’s mittens—but none that captured the nation quite like 22-year-old Amanda Gorman. On Jan. 20, Gorman, who’s also the first National Youth Poet Laureate, became the youngest inaugural poet in U.S. history when she performed her inspiring piece, “The Hill We Climb,” gaining instant and widespread praise.

Now, in a new interview for TIME—just one part of the magazine’s latest project celebrating the power of Black art—Gorman sat down with Michelle Obama to discuss unity, optimism, and poetry as a catalyst for change. Obama also asked Gorman about her experience with impostor syndrome, admitting that, “No matter how many speaking engagements I do, big audiences always trigger a little bit of impostor syndrome in me.”

“Speaking in public as a Black girl is already daunting enough,” Gorman responded, “just coming onstage with my dark skin and my hair and my race—that in itself is inviting a type of people that have not often been welcomed or celebrated in the public sphere. Beyond that, as someone with a speech impediment, that impostor syndrome has always been exacerbated because there’s the concern, Is the content of what I’m saying good enough? And then the additional fear, Is the way I’m saying it good enough?”

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Gorman also told Obama how she related to the former First Lady’s memoir, Becoming, specifically when Obama wrote about the pressure that comes with being the partner of someone running for public office, aka former President Barack Obama.

“There was one moment that spoke to me,” Gorman said, “the experience of Barack being on the campaign trail and you flying in with maybe one or two members of your team, rushing to an event, you all doing your own hair and makeup. There have been times where to speak I’ve taken the train, had to do my makeup and hair in a Starbucks, walked myself to the venue, and then I’m performing in front of 1,000 people.”

“For Black women, there’s also the politics of respectability—despite our best attempts, we are criticized for never being put-together enough; but when we do, we’re too showy,” she continued. “We’re always walking this really tentative line of who we are and what the public sees us as. I’m handling it day by day.”

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Right now, Gorman’s days also include taking over Amazon’s bestseller list and gearing up to perform a poem at the 2021 Super Bowl. But she wants people to know that while this visibility might be new, it is not temporary.

Gorman told Obama that so often girls of color are treated like “lightning or gold in the pan” instead of “things that are going to last.” She said, “You really have to crown yourself with the belief that what I’m about and what I’m here for is way beyond this moment. I’m learning that I am not lightning that strikes once. I am the hurricane that comes every single year, and you can expect to see me again soon.”

Read the full interview here.

Madison Feller Madison is a staff writer at ELLE.com, covering news, politics, and culture.

This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io

Poet Amanda Gorman Opens Up to Michelle Obama About Impostor Syndrome and Being in the Spotlight

[rachmakesstuff]

How to Knit for Teenage Boys (Amongst Other Problems)

First Problem:  Really, how do you knit for guys?  I know I need to.  But it just makes me so sad.  What, I can’t use pretty colors or pretty patterns or pretty anything, really?  For why?  What do guys have against looking, like, nice?  Genuinely, not even considering how boring a lot of dude-focused patterns seem to be, many men I know have this deep-seated, subconscious fear of looking too nice.  Like, if they’re too clean, wear too many colors, or appear to have put even 1/4 the amount of effort I do into an outfit, someone might think they’re gay, heaven forbid.  It’s so disappointing.  I think that’s why you see so many guys walking around in shorts when it’s cold out.  It’s all a masculinity thing.  Like, “What, you’re cold?  I’m not cold.  What’s cold?  I’ve never felt that, never heard of that feeling.  Why would my very Manly Male Body ever require me to put more than absolute minimum effort or attention to anything besides Call of Duty and football?  Acting like you care is for giiiiiiiirls.”  Oh well fellas, you’re probably getting some lovely mittens in charming fall colors anyway.  Ideally, Mygrandmamadeitforme Syndrome will kick in, and their appreciation for a thoughtful present will outweigh whatever toxic masculinity, if any, might be swirling around in their systems.  Even more ideally, they’ll actually like the things I make.  I sure hope they do.

Second Problem: I think I might be a fraud.  My blog title is, admittedly, very cute and pithy (Thanks, Miguel) at the expense of its authenticity.  I’ll just admit it... I like crocheting more than knitting, and I’ll probably wind up crocheting for this project much more often than I’ll knit.  I know, I know.  Shame on me.  But what’s a girl to do?  Crochet is so much faster, requires less attention and dexterity, and I dare say I’m better at it than knitting!  I guess that brings to question the purpose of my project, to some degree.  First and foremost, the most important aspect of my thesis is to create something that will benefit my community.  I know that.  However, shouldn’t it also be about challenging myself?  Isn’t it a goal of mine to improve my skills so that I personally have something to show for having completed a year of work?  And how is one to improve if she refuses to challenge herself?  I’ll have to struggle with this balance throughout the course of this year, I think: to make something fast or to make something fun and challenging.  That is the question.

Third Problem: Okay, really, how does anyone knit socks?!

[lubdubsworld]

Amor Vincit omnia ( Yoongi/ OC)

Chapter 14

"Since when did you start cooking like shit?" Yoongi snapped angrily, glaring daggers at Seokjin as the latter emerged from the kitchen ridiculous apron around his waist and hand buried in mittens. Seokjin's eyes narrowed into slits and Namjoon looked back and forth between them before rushing to the rescue.

"Ignore him hyung, he's just going through some withdrawal symptoms right now." He said, looking amused as he stared at Yoongi.

He was surrounded by idiots.

"What the fuck are you on about?" He snapped.

"Oh, come on. You got drugged with that pretty wife of yours and now that she isn't here to fulfill all your ' White-knight' syndrome fantasies, you can't function anymore. " Hoseok said with surprising insight but Yoongi could feel frustration build up inside him , enough to make him flex his fingers so hard the chopsticks in his hand snapped in two.

"also, the reason Seokjin hyung's food, which you've been eating for decades by the way, tastes like shit, is  because you got a taste for something sweeter. And like the idiot that you are you chased her away." Namjoon added.

Yoongi could not believe the gall of these guys.

"For the last time she's  the one who wanted a fucking divorce . Besides , I never wanted to .." send her away. I still don't . God damn it , how could she do this to me...

"Never wanted to-?" Seokjin prompted.

"Never wanted to marry her in the first place. " He lied.

Najoon scoffed.

"You're so full of shit it isn't even funny anymore." He said roughly.

Yoongi couldn't agree more, at least the last part of it.

it wasn't really funny anymore. at first...at first he'd been fascinated and amused by her wish to please him. The way she seemed to bend to his will like a reed caught in a storm. He was used to head strong, he was used to fighting and he was used to being manipulated. What he wasn't used to was home cooked meals, a girl who literally thought about him all day. Who spent every second making sure he didn't have the slightest thing to complain about.

And at the face of such sincere adoration, he'd been completely powerless. He couldn't yell the way he did with Hye Mi, he couldn't flatten her against the nearest wall and screw her brains out . He couldn't ...react, period. She looked like the lightest touch would snap her in two and it was like he was five years old again, staring at his mother's expensive porcelain collection, completely fascinated and unable to look away . In love with the beauty and the perfection but well aware that one wrong move would shatter it into smithereens .

And he would never forgive himself if that happened.

"Yoongi you should go and get her back. You know that right?" Jimin said gently and that made him pause. Jimin wasn't one to be unreasonable.

"i don't have to do any such thing. Are you guys not hearing me, she was the one who left . " He said, angrily.

He would kill the next person who spoke up, he decided. With his bare hands.

"Did you even ask her to stay, you little shit?" Seokjin said and Yoongi frowned because, Seokjin was literally the only person he probably couldn't kill. The guy was built like a fucking wall .

"I told her I was willing to start a marriage with her but she wanted more... I don't even know what more means. I don't do feelings. " He said bitterly.

"Correction: you've never done  feelings. It's not some incurable disease that will kill you. What could possibly be so bad in just admitting you cared for her." Hoseok said and Yoongi felt something inside him just freseze up in violent rejection.

Because that's when people took the chance to destroy you. When they realized you cared.

His father had been a lot like him. Reserved. But protective to a fault. He'd never gone out of his way to do romantic things but Yoongi had known his father had loved his mother more than anything else in his life. He'd seen women throw themselves at the handsome, riche CEO and he'd seen the way his father would always refuse, palm tapping his chest immediately. His father had later shown him that inside his pocket he always carried a snap shot of Yoongi's mother there.

"It reminds me that she's the most important thing.  A  good woman's love, son is the most generous and yet paltry thing. it's so much more than you deserve but never enough.  It makes you feel like the strongest man and the weakest too, often at the exact same time. When you find a love like that , hold on to it and don't risk it for anything. Because a good woman's love, that's something you'd have to be real fucking lucky to have.  " The older man had told Yoongi. Yoongi had found it toe-curlingly cheesy at that age but he'd also felt envious. How did you know things like that he'd always wondered. And he'd been sure that his father had got it right.

And then his mother had gone and cheated on his father.

The old man wasn't the first to know.

Yoongi was the one who walked in on them. And watching his father send loving glances at his mother, knowing she wasn't faithful had made Yoongi feel a level of rage and helpless impotency that he'd not been able to bear. His mother had stopped of course but she'd never confessed.

When finally, years later the man had realized he'd been betrayed, Yoongi had watched his strong , powerful father, his hero... crumble and disintegrate in front of his eyes. Something inside him had been destroyed with his wife's betrayal.

Yoongi would never let a woman destroy him like that.

And it terrified him even more because Ji Soo was so much similar to his mother it made his breath catch sometimes. It was probably one of the reasons his parents had chosen her for him. Just like his mother, Ji Soo exuded perfection, never raised her voice and carried herself like a queen. She was breathtakingly beautiful, the perfect high society wife, all grace and classy elegance.

A good woman.

A good woman who really did make him feel like the weakest and strongest person everytime her gaze met his.

A good woman who could turn him into a broken mess of a man if he gave her the power to do so.

"But then, are you actually okay with her being with another man?" Namjoon said in genuine curiosity and Yoongi flinched. That was just so close to what he'd been thinking that his mouth went a little dry.

"I don't control her. " He said roughly.

But I may kill anyone who comes within a few feet of her.

"That's good. Because you do know that literally every guy in our circle is angling to be her next...." Taehyung said casually.

It happened within a second.

One moment Yoongi was sitting on the couch and Taehyung was on the floor, stretched out on the carpet. The next second Tae was pinned against the wall, Yoongi's forearm pressing into his throat and choking off his air supply.

"What the fuck did you just say?!" He hissed, seeing seventy shades of red as the words registered inside his head.

Jimin pulled him off Taehyung looking furious.

"What the actual fuck is wrong with you, you psycho?" He shouted and Yoongi tried to gather his thoughts.

What was wrong with him indeed. ?? why did the thought of anyone near her make him feel like ripping someone to shreds with his bare fingers??

"Fuck...I... I'm going insane. Why can't I fucking forget her...?" He muttered under his breath reaching for his jacket and mumbling vague apologies to Taehyung who looked traumatized.

But even as he rushed out of the room , eager to go for a long drive he knew that he couldn't forget her.

Girls like Ji Soo were impossible to forget. He could try all he wanted. He would never be able to forget what it had felt like to have her in his life. It was funny but it was the little things that stuck to his head and refused to budge. Her scent, the way that one little strand of hair refused to stay tucked behind her ear no matter how many pins she jabbed into the thing. the way that small mole at the corner of her mouth moved up and down with her smile. The wal her breasts filled out her clothes, reminding him that even though she acted like a child, she was still very much a woman.

He groaned. 

It takes him twenty minutes of driving to realize that he's somehow managed to arrive right in front of her studio. This was a whole new level of screwed up, he thought in disgust, moving to put his car in reverse when he catches something in the rearview mirror.

A white Lamborghini with a disturbingly familiar number plate.

Wu Yi Fan.

He was out of the car and running across the street at breakneck speed, hands already moving to the knife he carried at his waist. If the bastard was within breathing distance of Ji Soo, he was going to slice his throat and rip his intestines out his neck.

He took the stairs, two , three at a time and stopped short, his blood running cold when he saw Yi Fan coming out of the studio, a gash on his forehead, bleeding. The guy took one look at Yoongi and snarled.

"Your bitch of a wife's done it now Yoongi. I'm going to wreck her life ....Just wait and watch..." He shouted, and Yoongi almost went after him before his mind registered that Ji Soo was still in the studio and God, she could have been hurt.

"Come near her again and I'll fucking rip your guts out..." He snarled , already opening the door to the video.

Nothing prepares him for the blow to the head, a crushing punch that makes him drop to his knees as his vision swims and pain reverberates all through his skull. He blinks, vaguely aware of hot, wetness seeping out of the back of his head. A trap, he thinks feeling stupid. He'd been out without his usual security guard and news like that traveled fast when you were one of the most wanted guys on the country. Some crazy bastard had probably followed him and set him up for an epic misstep. One that was probably going to end with his body, face down in the Han river tonight.

And he'd walked right into it, too distraught at the thought of Ji Soo being hurt to even consider that it may be a trap.

Looks like she'd ended up destroying him despite all the walls he'd managed to put up.

Someone grabs the back of his head and he momentarily blacks out from the pain of it.

"It's Yi Fan....Remember me? You really think you can come after my empire and not get killed over it? You're going to be the benchmark for what happens when someone messes with EXO. But you know what....I'm not going to kill you now. I have unfinished business with that wife of yours. " He said and Yoongi felt his heart jump to his throat. Shit, shit shit....his vision was too blurred to focus and his head felt like it was filled with cotton wool.

"Come here."

The kick to his back sent him sprawling forward, vaguely aware that his wrists had ben tied behind him, arms twisted in an excruciatingly painful angle. He blinked.

Ji Soo. Don't let her get hurt. Don't let her get hurt. Don't let her get hurt.

The phrase kept playing inside his head incessantly and he couldn't fucking focus on the here and now because this is what happened when you let a female into your head.

"We'll just send word to that girlfriend of yours, that she can collect you after bringing Ji Soo ssi to me. . She'll drag your wife here in no time." Yi Fan laughed and slipped a blindfold over his eyes. He yanked him to his feet and dragged him out of the studio.

Yoongi felt his blood go cold as he got shoved into the back of a van. He had no idea where they were taking him.

He had the sickening realization that Hye Mi really would do it. she didn't care what happened to anyone as long as Yoongi was safe. He'd never given it much thought but now that he thought about it, he realized that what Hye Mi felt for him was closer to obsession than anything else. Think . Think.

But he felt helpless. There was nothing he could do if Hye Mi somehow managed to drag Ji Soo here.

His only hope was that one of the guys would realize he wasn't reachable and somehow come looking for him.

[tube-thoughts-blog]

tube thoughts vol. 7

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Rifftrax presents "Cool As Ice" --1991-- *Snow aka Justin Bieber gives Bella Swan goosebumps and crotch-rocket road rash.* 3 stars with riffing or running from zero to 1 star without

"Dumb and Dumber To" ---2014--- *Sloppy seconds.* 2 stars

VH1 --sneak peak-- "Suave Says" --2014-- *A "thrilling" inside look into the post music career, current evangelical motivational speaking venture, and wealthy domestic drama of a one hit wonder pop star from wayback in 1991. Gerardo aka Rico Suave.* 1/2 a star

"That's My Boy" (2012) *Topics like underage student and teacher sexual relationships and incest are dealt with maturely by Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg, and Vanilla Ice. Of course not, but this isn't even creatively controversial or riotously raunchy in any remarkable way. It's just another formulaic Adam Sandler movie that hits all the same notes as usual.* either zero stars or 1 star

The Tom Green Show -Rogers Community Tv- -The Comedy Network- (1998) *Bemused, pertubed, fumed. These are just a few of the reactions Tom illicits from anyone not in on the joke.* 2 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of Laughing in the Dark *"Pick the right door, and you'll go free. Pick the wrong door, and there he'll be." He being a cigar puffing, nightmarish, funhouse clown.* 3 stars

"Housebound" ---2014--- *"An active mind in an inactive environment." The Brits make a superbly spooky mystery with dry and subtle humor.* 3 stars

"Chonda Pierce On Her Soapbox" (1999) *Folksy entertainment variety and jubilee from a real life Peggy Hill.* 1 star

Buckmasters -Young Bucks- "The Misadventures of Bubba" (1992) *Near fatal hunting accidents hilarity with a Jim Varney caricature.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

"Dancing Outlaw, Jesco White" (1991) & Jesco Goes to Hollywood (1994) *''Sorrow, hatred, and madness. '' "If you wanna get to heaven, you got to raise a little hell."* Heaven for Jesco is dancing at Elvis' star on the Hollywood walk of fame and guest starring on Roseanne or huffing fumes.*        3 stars

Fargo: The Crocodile's Dilemma *"What's the policy? See, I'm sort of a student of institutions." Billy Bob Thornton can play indifferent malice like no other.* 3 stars

15 Storeys High: The Sofa *Lord Snooty's couch, club card, co-opting of other people's conundrums, and crisis 'cause he can't stand to be cuddled.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

12:01 Beyond-- Christmas Special 2014 -------------------------------

*World Friendship Society - Please Just Go (music video)* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Le Passage (movie trailer): More badass than Home Alone and Rambo.*          3 stars

*Lobo for the charity "Socks for Tots" gently used socks for children at Christmas at the North Pole. Lonely odd socks for lonely odd kids.* 2 1/2 stars

*Ninja, the Mission Force: "Clam chowder can only mean a ninja challenge."*     2 1/2 stars

*Lobo argues the Holiday Blues with his potted plant, Ms. Mittens.*         between 2 & 2 1/2 *

*Fleischer Studios - Superman - The Arctic Giant: A kaiju nearly destroys Metropolis and swallows Lois whole.* 3 stars

*Treevenge: sentient x-mas trees turn the tables on crass Christmas celebrations and begin tearing the merry folk to shreds.* 3 stars

*Lobo fills holiday stockings full of leftover Halloween Candy.* 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo meets Ro-Man the Robot Monster from the 1950s B sci fi movie, at the north pole, and suggests he kidnap Santa Claus.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*Reverse Pharmacology: Incredibly hilarious imagined symptoms of a placebo taken by medical test subjects under lab conditions.* close to 3 stars

*Pueblo Sleep Solutions presents 'The Bedtime Bruiser' (commercial)*               2 1/2 stars

*Don't Open Till Christmas (movie): Scotland Yard is on the case of serial slayings of Santas.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo gets an 8 track player for X Mas* 2 stars

*The Lobo (DC Comics character, not the guy from the 12:01 skits) Paramilitary Christmas Special: The Easter Bunny hires the meanest bounty hunter in the galaxy to hunt down and take out the fat man and his elves.* 3 stars

*Sleigh Runner: The Communist tradition of Christmas is put to an end by a Eastern European Rob Zombie lookalike cowboy killer.* 2 1/2 stars

*Happy Holidays to all the fans of the New Mission Impossible (tv series).*          3 stars

*"This Christmas forget milk and cookies. He wants blood." TWo Front Teeth (low budget movie trailer). The elves in this flick look pretty nightmarish and the characters, especially the black cowboy, look interesting. Interest peaked.* 3 stars

*Republic Pictures Serial -The Crimson Ghost- Chapter 3- The Fatal Sacrifice:  The Crimson Ghost's hideous high wire act.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*The metal band HEMI perform the song Dust to Dust live in a club.*           close to 3 stars

*Neon Harbor presents Space Ninja the animated movie: A cyber dystopia mixed with feudal Japan. technology and swordplay eyecandy-gorgeous must see for me.* 3 stars

*Ro-Man mistakenly beheads Santa for Lobo who claims no responsibility for the death of the mythical character.* 2 1/2 stars

*Action International Home Pictures presents the "Gruesome Holiday shocker." "Elves" starring Grizzly Adams (retro movie trailer)* 3 stars

*Vinegar Syndrome presents on Blu Ray "You Better Watch Out" aka "Christmas Evil": And they've added a beautifully twisted painted portrait of the movie's tragic hero on the box art.* 3 stars

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tales from the Crypt: The Ventriloquist's Dummy *Pathetic weirdo and hack ventriloquist comedian Bobcat Goldthwait's idol Don Rickles isn't really a retired, bitter legend of ventriloquism. He's actually a prisoner of his own responsibility to keep his beautiful-woman-hating, conjoined twin freak brother from ever killing again.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Deadline ----------

*Writing obituaries does seem like the typically morbid Summer job that a Springwood teenager would have.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*Springwood, where suicidal teenagers wish they were dead so that they can be reunited with their ghost bff(s) and douchebag, ponytailed dreamlovers.*      2 stars

---------------------------------------------

Red Shoe Diaries: Safe Sex *A smooth talker brings a sad, vulnerable business professional lady in out of the rain, and she still makes him wear a raincoat in bed. So, so, softcore stories sent in to a personal ad's post office box and then picked up and retold by shadowy anywhere North America David Duchovny character, which is nice trimming for the show, but damn is the sensitive lite soul torch singing background music awful. I prefer a cheesy, solo saxophone over this -Lifetime For Women lyrics- boner killing tripe.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Brian De Palma's "The Black Dahlia" (2006) *I'm a sucker for Los Angeles noir settings, slaughtered pretty girls like Laura Palmer, and conspiracy art like Alan Moore's From Hell.* 2 1/2 stars

Transparent: season 1 -episode 1 *Three self absorbed siblings can't see past themeselves enough to be aware of their father for what he truly is and themselves for what they might actually be. The conservative side of me wants to say that this is more of liberal Hollywood's agenda to undermine traditional America by saying everyone secretly wants and would be happier with an alternative lifestyle. Also, I can't remember the last time I saw so many aesthetically interesting (not exploitive or trying too hard to be sexy) glimpses of comfortable nudity.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Cyrano DeBraniac *"The savage game of sexual attraction" requires all of one's synapses to be firing and it doesn't hurt to have a time and space manipulating genie, who's also sexy, to unzip Einstein's undead brain out of the fourth dimension.*             2 1/2 stars

Thundarr the Barbarian: Den of the Sleeping Demon *A pair of clumsy junior adventurers, and their huge bird friend, help rebury a genetic research monstrosity that was given a high voltage reawakening.*      3 stars

--- Swamp Thing: The Dark Side of the Mirror

*Everyone in this town is so stupid and easily manipulated that Arcane could have probably just walked up to the new determined district attorney, at dinner in a fancy restaurant, and shot him in the head, instead of genetically mutating the musclebound moronic deputy into a Swamp Thing double assassin.

The town formed an extremely enraged mob, in a matter of minutes, and even the longest running protagonist human characteron the show (Jim's mom) is willing to throw her morals aside for blind vengeance.

Thank goodness Jim's brother Will, the new female lead Kari Wuhrer, and Swamp Thing are decent characters.

I'm glad for the upgrade from Jim to Will. Will is a better character and it gives the show more of an adult cast and less of a Timmy fell down the well and needs to be saved, each week, routine.

Still, some of the acting is low quality from the extras.

Feels like they used the stunt man from the fight scenes to do the lines, to save money, when it would have been better to switch him out for a real actor.*

between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

--------------------------------------------------

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 17 *A wild goose chase for the legendary Mothman. The leader of PRS probably doesn't realize how much he comes off like X Files' Fox Mulder as he keeps repeating the phrase "I want to believe."* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Sentry *"Don't linger in the shadows." It will "rile the bile" about lizard-men living deep within the earth where corporations and shadowy government organizations are storing their darkest secrets. The most daring reporter,ever, of tabloid monster mysteries makes his last (documented) stand down there.* 3 stars

"Room 237" (2012) *"The past doesn't exist." But film historians, and fans, are still dissecting the ghost of Stanley Kubrick and the symbolic filmic events surrounding the almost mythical Overlook Hotel.* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "Conquest" (1983) *Cro-Magnon man was ruled by a cruel dominatrix / naked lady performance artist / new-age goddess, along with her band of fanatical furries. That is until Ronnie James Dio & Luke Skywalker changed things. Conquest establishes itself apart from other low budget and dumb sword & sorcery flicks, of the early 1980s, with its dreamlike aesthetic and gore-crazy practical special fx.*   between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Begotten" (1990) *Imagine a super 8mm National Geographic hallucination of twitching, early 20th century mental patients being tortured and abused in the ruins of a 19th century pastoral southern gothic wasteland lurked over by pre-modern-civilization tribal sacrificial rites that are even more hellish and nightmarish than actual pagan practices predating contemporary times. Black mold on the walls of farmhouses with sun peeled paint and holes in the tin roof where the sound of dripping rain and viscus is constant on rusting metal surfaces that lie just beyond open rock quarries crawled over by lepers, in rags, dragging shaved and mutilated Christ-like figures who spew black stigmata from their weeping eyes and mouths.* 3 stars

Squidbillies: Taint Misbehavin' *A dying Dan Halen requires the citizens of Dougal County to join him in the paradise of the afterlife. Granny and Early get giddy because they mistakenly believe they're going to a resort town in Tennessee, when they're actually heading for the ancient Egyptian land of the dead.* 2 1/2 stars

Workaholics -2015 Season- --preview trailer-- *Some Comedy Central money went into a 2 minute parody of the new Mad Max movie, popular crime tv shows like Sons of Anarchy, strippers, bullet porn fx, and "cool" explosions.* close to 2 1/2 stars (for the misguided effort)

Hannibal: Apéritif *The mongoose meets the cobra.* 3 stars

Jonny Quest: The House of the Seven Gargoyles *An icy fate for an acrobatic dwarf creeping around a castle posing as a gothic statue and trying to choke his unsuspecting victims.* 3 stars

Dr. Who (4th Doctor - Tom Baker): The Android Invasion *A Benedict Arnold astronaut returns from being lost in space, now brainwashed by aliens carrying a shipment of human replicants and a deadly virus.* 3 stars

Farscape: Jeremiah Crichton *Crichton becomes a castaway on green planet inhabited by a tribal, and somewhat peaceful people, although there is some jealousy when the daughter of the chief becomes smitten with Crichton. After spending part of a cycle looking for Crichton, Rigel and Dargo find him all scruffy and weather beaten. In a Return of the Jedi C3PO twist, Rigel is the tribe's prophesized messiah and the three must save these exiled, forced by forcefield to be primitive people, or else be sacrificed themselves due to stupid politics and a conspiracy of priestly hierarchy.* 3 stars

Bob & Margaret: For Pete's Sake *Bob's brother is a pretentious tv chef, and when he gets a gig in India, Bob and Margaret have to look after his two annoying brats.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Dark Music *The power to control demonic forces, living in the root cellar, lies in the sounds on the radio. A tired of being picked on paperboy uses this knowledge to payback the scummy metal-head bully next door and his mean, little sister.*       3 stars

"The Initiation of Sarah" (1978) *This feels like a hazy 70s tv movie version of Carrie the college years. Two sisters pledge and go through the occult like Greek sorrority ceremonies. The good looking one gets picked by Morgan Fairchild's meangirl sisters and has to be cruel to the other. The timid one has her telepathic powers exploited by a witch wannabe Shelly Winters in the rival plain Jane house complete with a maze backyard.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

---Thrashin'--- (1987) *Square jawed Josh Brolin is too straight laced to be taken seriously by skatepunks in the 80s L.A. skatescene. The leader of a gang of Lost Boys also wants Brolin to stay away from his out of town and just visiting, Idaho pretty tomato younger sister. It hits all the right notes for an 80s extreme sports fun adventure flick.* 2 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Fitting Punishment *A cheapskate ghetto mortician is willing to cut corners no matter the cost to human decency. He embalms using dirty tap water. He buys cheap coffins from China. He clips out the gold and silver teeth of the deceased. He even blames his orphaned nephew for being a financial burden and cripples him, then sells his Air Jordans to pay medical expenses. When that's not enough, he murders him and saws him a foot shorter above the ankles so that he can stuff the boy into a cheap coffin for Chinamen.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Film At Eleven *Llama stolen from the zoo and almost used in a slumland apartment voodoo ceremony. Cops style film crew documenting the precinct. Herman Dracula, alledged wannabe vampire. It's funny until he commits suicide in his private cell. Ballistics confirms that they've found the handgun used in the near fatal shooting of officers Renko & Hill. Relief comes with uncertainty. It's raining in the police station, the roof is leaking and everyone is getting the flu because of it. This show can't help but end on a melancholy note due to all the lingering emotions. Rollercoaster, as usual.* 3 stars

Tru Tv- --South Beach Tow-- --Bernice's Top 20-- *"Best of" countdown of fake reality show beatdowns by an angry black woman?* 1 star

Botched: Vagina Bomb! *The same network (E!) that encourages viewers to idolize trainwreck celebrities and their fake bodies, also exploits sick individuals who've butchered their own bodies in order to achieve that phony Hollywood dream. Of course this show is under the guise of "fixing" plastic surgery mistakes, but the client/patient usually receives even more body enhancements and still looks like a nightmare.* either zero stars or 2 stars

True Detective: The Long Bright Dark *Heathen homicide in a hick shit-haven where if one doesn't parrot the standard beliefs of others, and oddly speaks in a stream of consciousness like Cormac McCarthy, then one's peers tilt their heads and cock their ears like a confused dog in misunderstanding and disbelief.* 3 stars

---- New Year's Movie Marathon ---------------------------------

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Time Runner (1992) *Spoilers, for The Force Awakens, ahead. Be Warned. Years after Return of the Jedi, Luke is having a midlife crisis and skynet is using star destroyers to blow up Los Angeles. So he travels back in time to the Washington Canadian border getting in ugly rental car chases with human looking alien Rae Dawn Chong and gunning down well armed baddies, along side the goofy deputy from Twin Peaks, & watching  their hilarious death throes. All while making sure Senator Palpatine can't prevent Seth Rogen and James Franco from nuking North Korea thirty years in the future. Make sense?* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: 12 To The Moon                      ---plus---                       "Dream to Design" -short- *The woman of the future visits the satellite of love and turns the robots crow and tom servo into kitschy househould appliances. meanwhile, the united nations of nasa proves earth's worthiness to the lunar neighbors.*                     2 1/2 stars with riffing and between 1 1/2 and 2 stars without

Terry Gilliam's "Brazil" *A depressed Da Vinci with his wings clipped by the dulled scissors that society can no longer cut all the red tape with.* 3 stars

Fritz Lang's "Metropolis" *In my life of relative ease, I watch this movie on my cheap consumer electronics provided for me by workers in horrible third world conditions.*           3 stars

"Starry Eyes" (2014) *Ambition. Attrition. Ascension. All the way from Hooters Girl who can't get taken seriously at low-grade movie auditions to transforming into a Hollywood harlot comes at the price of one's soul taken by the Satanists who run the movie industry and helped sanctified with blood and betraying those closest also climbing the ladder.* close to 3 stars

"Messiah of Evil" (1973) *What if, after Thanksgiving, America honored the Donner Party Massacre by having Black Friday be masses of mad people tearing into raw red meat at supermarkets? This flick is like the eerie calm before an apocalypse. Too weird, almost, to describe, and if one tried to, a bug would appear on their tongue and they would cough up insects and lizards.* 3 stars

"Strange Days" (1995) *"Memories were meant to be forgotten. They were designed that way." Let old acquaintance as well. 20 year old predictions about the new century, by James Cameron, are still pretty relevant. Questions about the abuse of police force. Urban upheaval and riots. Voyeurism being a social media (though it's not as seedy as it's imagined in this movie).Things James Cameron got a little off are plenty too. Musicians stopped being, for the most part, political messengers. Trainwreck skank rock queens like Courtney Love aren't nearly as talented as James thinks or as worth going through hell over, but they're still a huge part of the media's obsession. Found footage and virtual reality may just be entertainment fantasy, but the themes in this movie are played out daily on actual viral videos.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Max Headroom: Academy *What if corporations had their own legal systems? What if a death penalty trial was turned into a tv game show? Viewers of the HLN network sort of get to experience this. What if criminal profiles were assigned to innocent people who fit a certain stereotype? Wait a minute....* 3 stars

Joe R. Lansdale's "Cold In July" (2014) *A considerate and well adjusted family man has to stand his ground, on shaky legs, but isn't in the overzealous camp of his hometown neighbors who wanna pat him on the back for it. He never feels right about the incident and his remorse pulls him into a world of Dixie mafia killings, Texas Mexico border crime, and a friendship with a flamboyant and dogged private detective and the deeply burdened man who mistakenly stalked the family man's family when he was wrongly convinced the family man slayed his son in the stand your ground incident. In a bizarre twist, the three men come together to help the deeply burdened man solve his burden of putting down his wayward son who's making snuff films with hookers. It reminds me a lot of William Devane's "Rolling Thunder," another revenge flick with a lot of bitter sorrow and dark themes.*      3 stars

The Tom Green Show -Rogers Community Tv- --The Comedy Network-- (1998) *Tom is an absurdist comedian who can sometimes be traditionally clever in his humor. He drinks purple koolaid with a cult who worship an alien version of Jesus Christ's brother, he ruins an Elvis impersonator street performance and almost gets his ass kicked for it, and he continues to try to prove he's the biggest idiot in the room.* close to 2 1/2 stars

The Prisoner: The Schizoid Man *The Village have number 6 convinced he's twice the man he was using an uncanny double.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: season 3 episode 7 *"People work together when it suits them, they're loyal when it suits 'em, they love when it suits 'em, and they kill when it suits them."* 3 stars

"Under the Skin" (2013) *Scarlet Joe Handsome is an enticing alien, in a black wig and brightly painted lips, driving around Scotland, in a pedo van, indifferently observing all the quiet, everyday human suffering and luring horny, confused men back to her abandoned building / nest / spaceship(?) --where they step sinking into a surreal black pool of liquid.* either 1/2 a star or 2 stars

American Horror Story- -Coven -The Replacements *Sober Santeria. What other show is going to have a pothead, white trash mom molest her patchwork monster, back from the morgue, college boy son? or let a juicy and morbidly obese black virgin finger herself in front of a minotaur? not many spring to mind.* 3 stars

Gargoyles: The Edge *Zanatos uses the steel clan and a Tony Stark type tech gargoyle suit to frame the real gargoyles for the museum heist of 'the eye of Odin,' in order to have the cops chasing them all around town and scare them into coming back under the wings of his 'protection,' which would have the gargoyles inprisoned in a research lab.* 3 stars

Rifftrax - Total Riff Off - Man vs. Monster *"Meeting the channel's factual quota, we now return to the bullshit." Rifftrax skewers another one of those pretentious explorer douchebags, from National Geographic Wild,  that are always trying to turn a simple creature of nature into a tall tale monster.* 3 stars with riffing 1 star without

Son of the Beach: With Sex You Get Eggroll *satire of sex slaves and sex jokes, both smartly done.* 3 stars

Carman -Yo Kidz! -The Vidz *Gnarly Jesus dudes, hip musical kids, and cumbersome cat costumes.* 1 star

Morton Downey Jr.: Cults *A man who once had a cult-like tv audience examines mind control organizations and self-help pseudo-religions.* close to 3 stars

Mel Brooks in "High Anxiety" *Side-splitting neuroses.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Korman's Kalamity *A cartoonist's monstrous creations come to life after years of nagging from an abusive spouse and his recent forced use of an experiment male potency medication.*  2 1/2 stars

"Al-TV" -April Fools Day 1984 *"I could just watch videos all day until my brain turned to mush. Couldn't you?" Weird Al takes over MTV from its bland video disc jockeys and turns the channel into the absurdity it should be.* 3 stars

"Traxx" (1998) *"Be good, be gone, or be dead." Shadoe Stevens is one tough cookie as he parodies every 80s action hero vigilante and western cowboy cliche come to clean up a Troma version of a Texas town in one of the weirdest, left field comedies ever.* 3 stars

Hippies: Protesting Hippies *Simon Pegg tries to spark a Y2K revival of the comedic rebelliousness of The Young Ones with a Britcom That 60s Show.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Northern Exposure: Pilot Episode *A "Jew, New York doctor" finds unspoiled land, wildlife, hell... even people (patients) "just waiting to be fondled" in middle-of-nowhere, Alaska.* 3 stars

X Files: Space *Otherworldy phantom sabotaging shuttle missions. A study on how stifled and subdued the space program has become.* 2 1/2 stars

"Freaks, Nerds, and Weirdos" -MTV (1994) *MTV NEWS looks at Generation X's social outcasts like nerdy hipster college kids, quirky celebrities, and alternative musicians and they talk about their struggles with being different from "the norm." Ironically, the show is framed with commercials featuring beautiful skin care and fashion model young people bragging about how great it is to be one of the in group of the beautiful ones.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Myth of the American Sleepover" (2010) *The last bittersweet days of Summer and the pre-conceived notion of sublimity for a group of suburban teenagers. Indie movies about the adolescent rite of passage to adulthood aren't as fun as exploitation flicks about the same thing, but the delicate and thoughtful manner in which the subject matter is approached allows for more personal reflection for the viewer.* close to 3 stars

Turner Classic Movies: Beneath the Planet of the Apes *Twice as bleak of an ending as the first.* 3 stars

--- "Bates Motel" (1987)

*After spending his youth in the looney bin with Norman Bates as his father figure, Bud Court (Harold & Maude), and a great casting choice, inherits the Bates Motel from the deceased Norman whom he carries around in an urn afterwards.

With the help of a spunky squatter (Lori Petty) and a Morgan Freeman esque handyman, he reopens the falling apart eyesore and deals with the rumors of the place being haunted and the fast moving yuppies of the 80s who wanna exploit the property to keep with the changing and advancing landscape of the times.

Tonally a weird mixture of maudlin and mockingly humorous. Whoda thunk they could take a legacy of a Hitchcock suspense thriller and throw in one those feel good fixing up the place montages, a Happy Days 1950s teen ghosts dance party with a dreamlover angel Jason Bateman, and Scooby Doo villain plot twist?*

either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------------------

"An Evening With Bobcat Goldthwait, Share The Warmth" (1987) *Bobcat chugs two six-packs of TAB and then proceeds to frighten uncomfortable laughter out of a group of yuppies in a nightclub.* 2 1/2 stars

"Beyond Vaudeville" (1986-90s) *Best of a weird NYC public access variety show with guests and acts like Grandpa Munster, Tiny Tim, "the Edith Bunker of massage," climbing Harpo's ladder with Wavy Gravy, Burt Reynold's fantasy Turkish woman (possible delusional stalker), Greg Brady, the arm and the giant from Twin Peaks, the theme from the Flying Nun on spoons, Rock Around the Clock in Yiddish, an Underdog / Dracula enthusiast / interpretive dancer, and many other pathetic bizarre folk. Sammy Davis who?* 3 stars

Morton Downey Jr.: Central Park Squatters *A heated shouting match between freaks and fascists over the issue of gentrification.* 3 stars

"Scoundrels" (1982) a Cecil Howard adult film *"Life's too fucking short." Ron Jeremy is the long dick, long suffering dad, just like Kevin Spacey, in a sexually frustrated slice of American Pie.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -Murder House- "Rubber Man" *"What is it about being dead that makes me so horny?" Hysterical lady troubles.* close to 3 stars

"The Guest" (2014) *A psychotic super-soldier gone awol and come to roost with the troubled family of a fallen comrade. Pulses like an homage to 80s action movies in the vein of John Carpenter.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Justified: season 1 episode 1 *Bluegrass Helter Skelter.* 3 stars

Chrisley Knows Best: The Great Outdoors *Chrisley reluctantly takes his sons camping at the lake, while wishing he were more like his hero Oprah and scaring his 8 year old with the legend of Jason Vorhees.* 2 stars

Comic Book Men: Ghostbusting at the Stash *Sitting around ye ole podcast table and sharing spooky stories about things like the Jersey Devil.* 1 star

"The White Buffalo" (1977) *Charging out of Hell and into Heaven were men like Wild Bill, Crazy Horse, and Charles Bronson.* 3 stars

Kung Fu, the series: Dark Angel *Words lost, eyes blinded, and riches not found, but, at the same time, roots replanted, senses regained, and faith restored.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Invasion U.S.A. (feature) & A Date with the Family (short) *Rigid dinners with loved ones, or heavy drinking with a group of barflies, is a great opportunity to discuss how every American should do more in their part to combat the Red Menace.* 3 stars with riffing 1 star without

"My Mom's A Werewolf" (1988) *An underappreciated housewife goes to the pet store to get a flea collar for the family dog, and winds up having the mom jeans charmed off of her, and replaced with fur, by a hair-piece wearing lycanthrope (John Saxon).*                2 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Black Tickets ------------------

*A young Brad Pitt runs over himself running into himself running away from his problems.* 2 stars

*Having a baby is hellish, even if Brad Pitt is the daddy.*                           between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

---------------------------------------------------

USA Up All Night -with host Rhonda Shear -Valentine's Special -----------------

*Lovers Lovers (feature movie): Neurotic & horny 30 something year old professionals in the city of Angels. It's like a softcore version of Seinfeld.*          2 stars

*Starburst California Raisins style commercial where the Starburst candies get taken to the bad side of town called Twisted Town.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Girls of Paradise (phone sex commercial): 3 stars

*Rhonda hangs out in the honeymoon suite with a amorous bell boy who has chest hairs a plenty.* 3 stars

*Twix commercial parodies the plane crash movie "Alive" in a funny scenario where one guy tricks the other into thinking they're being rescued so that he can have both Twix candy bars to himself.* 3 stars

*Rhonda tries to get a honeymooning and arguing couple's bride out of her hotel room bathroom.* 2 1/2 stars

*Free brochure for TV Parental Ratings guidelines* 3 stars

*"Mel" (taking his name from a PayDay caramel candy bar wrapper) calls up a phone sex hotline to talk to the horny chick about covering her in peanuts and creamy caramel in a funny PayDay commercial.* 3 stars

*"Every day people like me and you are proving why the 'Psychic Solution' is so popular." Obvious payed employees of this phone scam network give false testimonials about their amazing experiences talking to phone psychics.*    either zero or 3 stars

*"Imagine being forced to make love. Now, imagine thousands will die if you dont. Will she? Won't she? Or will she just kick some ass?!" La Femme Nikita preview for an upcoming 1997 episode. Haha.* 3 stars

*Rhonda coaches sweet talk to a dumb husband who gets all her amorous advice lines all wrong.* 3 stars

------------------------------------------------------------------

Weird Science: Magnifico Dad *Mom gets her birthday wish for dad to turn into male supermodel hunk Fabio.* 3 stars

Son of the Beach: Silence of the Clams *"The beach is meant for solitude, not senseless orgying. Cancel Spring Break or else."* 3 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Fortress of Fear *A many eyed wizard wants Ariel as his bride.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Silent Screams *"Eye of the hurricane, listen to yourself turn. World serves its own needs, Dummy, serve your own needs." Arcane is selling eco-terrorism to the highest bidder. First in line to be served, shadowy agents of the U.S. government, and they're willing to sacrifice a small, swamp town to test the effectiveness.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Jonny Quest: The Invisible Monster *Turn off the life light, don't let it shine or else be taken in by the hungering Pac-Man esque ghost of an animated mass of energy. Look out, because it's a one-eyed, giant, purple, people-eater.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Super Specs *Do "They Live" or is it just an April Fool's Day trick of the mind thanks to a phony trick gifts shop's surprisingly effective super specs glasses?*             close to 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Shadow Boxer *A bum fighter uses cursed gloves to separate his dark side from his body and sends the shadow out to stick it to his opponents.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 episode 18 *Penn State freshman lions turn themselves into fraidy cats with the passing around of campus legends and the playing of an ancient Japanese ghost story game called '100 Candles.'* 2 stars

Penny Dreadful: season 1 episode 1 *For a moment, I thought Frankenstein and his monster were going to passionately kiss on the mouth. It was weird.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: season 1 episode 6 *"He eats disease. He likes to be scratched behind the ears. He's horrible, beautiful." 3 stars

The Outer Limits: If These Walls Could Talk *CGI Ryan Reynolds. He's not Green Lantern. He's possibly a 'Casper' or at the very least a molecular anomaly. His mom can't let go of the mystery around his disappearance and his frequenting of a so-called haunted house. She's a paranormal believer. She swears she hears him crying out in the haunted house. She befriends a pyschic phenomena debunker. They get drunk, share their hearbreak over the afterlife or lack thereof. They stir up spirits or at least a cold case crime scene. They  learn about the mystery behind a previous owner who was a reclusive scientist and find his hidden room complete with strange meteor. It ends with them covered in ectoplasmic goo.* 2 1/2 stars

"Father Guido Sarducci Goes to College" (1985) *Vatican City versus Disneyland.* 2 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Mute Witness to Murder *Some enchanted evening, you may meet a stranger. And some enchanted evening, you may witness a brutal murder. That enchanted evening may damage the psyche.* 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: Double Dare *Necessity is the mother of virtue. A business professional lady needs the thrill of an erotic game of show and tell via fax machine dirty messages and flashes of bare flesh across facing office building windows with a sexy stranger, but she can't take it to the next step and cheat on her husband in person.* 2 1/2 stars

"Computer Beach Party" *Weirdly played, and ridiculously overdubbed, dorky sex comedy that maybe comes close to deserving cult status.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Total Riff Off: Animals Behaving Badly *Horny deer. Smoking ape. Rascally raccoon. Pooping cheetah. Shoe humping tortoise. Horny dolphin. Indian woman breastfeeding a calf. Chicago city coyote. rat infanticide, and the classic panda attacking jacket guy.* 3 stars with riffing between 2 and 2 1/2 stars without

"RoadRacers" (1994) a Robert Rodriguez film *David Arquette as a scumbag greaser, James Dean wannabe with Salma Hayek as his main squeeze. Sounds unconvincing, but somehow they pull it off. Also, great tunes from the era of rockabilly, decent villains like the town asshole cop William Sadler, and Deadwood's Saul Starr as the sci fi and sinful thrills obsessed sidekick.*  2 1/2 stars

Richard Linklater's "Boyhood" (2014) *Maybe the best ever use of scripted reality in dramatic entertainment. Following two siblings for over a decade as we watch them grow and deal with their movie parents a psychology student-into-teacher mother (Patricia Arquette) and their sometimes deadbeat other times often extremely caring and liberal-slacker poet papa (Ethan Hawke), along with step siblings, abusive drunk stepfathers, plus all the growing pains and life steps that happen along the way to young adulthood.* 3 stars (for achievement in the portayal of life) or zero stars (for every character being so unlikeable)

--Starz-- --The Missing: episode 1 *A wrenching, quiet, and moody look at the frantic hours around parents dealing with the disappearance of a child and how the effects of that trauma are still haunting them, and others involved with the memory, years later.*         3 stars

American Gothic: Damned If You Don't *Dang ole' tornado of the soul.* 3 stars

"Din of Celestial Birds" (2006) *inherent iniquities* 2 1/2 stars

True Detective: Seeing Things *Pussy, fantasy, illusion, delusion, hallucination, justification, nightmare, and revelation.* 3 stars

X Files: Fallen Angel *Toxic cover up and lies with an official seal.* 2 1/2 stars

"Night Dreams" (1981) xxx *Bound by wild desire, Dorothy LeMay fell into a ring of fire.* 3 stars

--- MTV's True Life: I'm Preparing for the End of the World

*An obese, and (from how he's presented on this docu show) low i.q. suffering, young  father moves his pregnant wife, two young boys, and yummy pet rabbits & chickens to an isolated farm in the mountains.

There he rambles about doomsday scenarios and his family assists in setting up booby traps that are more dangerous to themselves than anyone else.

My advice is to lay off the extra bunny, at dinner, and to not homeschool the kids about the proper way to filter goat piss into a drinkable water alternative, but instead to exercise as a family and to get out in society and work towards not ending up with an apocalypse.

Next, we have two priviledged college twins who are so quirky and idiotic that they jokingly form a two person cult where they bother college campus students and the city's homeless population with their pretend rhetoric.

Low point being when they claim to be getting prepared to raise their consciousness beyond the normal soulless zombie, just before tossing a twenty dollar bill into the air for a group of hungry homeless and junkies to wrestle over.*

1 star

-----------------------------------------------------------

Morton Downey Jr.: Feminism *Mort and feminist lawyer Gloria Allred go toe to toe and almost mouth to mouth with the sexual tension between them (just kidding).* close to 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Television Terror *A t.v. station scores big ratings, when Morton Downey Jr. is murdered, live on the air, while investigating a haunted house.* 3 stars

"Too Young To Die?" (1990) *A trailer trash teen runaway (Juliette Lewis) gets the death penalty for the murder of her soldier guy former lover, thanks to her hick pimp/pusher (Brad Pitt).*  2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story -Asylum- "The Coat Hanger" *Forgiving trespasses. Ian McShane almost seems too good for any show after his iconic role in Deadwood, but he finds one here as a blackly humorous and blasphemous sinner/killer in a setting that keeps getting more depraved and strange. Bucket of KFC chicken and skinning victims alive killer mixed piece joke. Priest drowning at a baptism. Priest crucifiction. The dirty history of pre legalized abortions. Cruel head nun gets on the other end of looney torture. A Nazi butcher / mad scientist seeking aliens because he appreciates their eugenic techniques and getting sent his own Mary with a possible alien seed in her belly.* 3 stars

Hannibal: Amuse-Bouche *"It takes one to know one." A human fungus wants understanding.* 3 stars

Bob and Margaret: Friends for Dinner *"Another domestic dilemma." Bob and Margaret continue to define themselves different from their rude peers, while still retaining a flawed quality that makes them so relatable to the average person.* close to 3 stars

15 Storeys High: The Model *"If she learns to swim, next thing she'll want to learn to drive." A nutter doesn't want his nude centerfold wife to take swimming lessons. Olives on pizza distaste, and a compulsion to pull any wallpaper off the wall -weirdness. Also, the swimming lessons oath includes everyone but practioners of karate and the pop star Sting.* 3 stars

Hippies: Hairy Hippies *The animals of Aquarius are gonna tear your prick off.* 3 stars

Farscape: Durka Returns *"The difference between a knife attack and life saving surgery." The outer space adjustment bureau can turn anyone they want into an attitude corrected slave.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: Deities *When it comes to matters of the spirit, people often forget what it means being human.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Captured Souls *Sometime in the early 90s, the Obamas and their daughter nearly had the life sucked out of them by a mirror-spy-tech mad-science-geezer posing as an ole timey tween boy with a ridiculous hairstyle that was almost as bad as Obama's soul glow mullet of the time.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

American Horror Story --Coven-- "Fearful Pranks Ensue" *supreme sacrifice* close to 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: You Have The Right To Remain Silent *A lady cop kidnaps and forces herself on a strong willed guy who won't show her any attention at the gym. I would have laughed if it were a case of her not having any gay-dar.* close to 2 1/2 stars and 1 1/2 a stars for the safe sex sales pitch

Hill Street Blues: Choice Cut *supermarket standoff with a side of beef.* 2 1/2 stars

Fargo: The Rooster Prince *"Savagery, pure and simple."* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Orphans" *The most sympathetic character on the show, Pepper, has a continuation of maybe the most tragic character arc of any character in all of American Horror Story, with a cameo from a character from Asylum.* close to 3 stars

MTV's "Eye Candy" extended peak *Disney channel(?) teen pop idol and now hacker (rolls eyes) in a serial killer stalker show with MTV style "edgy" (crap) aesthetics. The psycho stuffing smartphones in the mouths of victims is unintentionally ludicrous and laughable.* 1 1/2 stars

"Living With Michael Jackson" *"We would wake at dawn and go up in the hot air balloon. I have the footage. It's all very charming and innocent. That's ignorant. Who's the Jack the Ripper in the Room?" Was it exploitive journalist Martin Bashir or delusional Peter Pan wannabe Jacko?* either 3 stars or zero stars

Prime Time Thursday -ABC- Martin Bashir on his Michael Jackson documentary (2003?) *ABC gets a few more nasty kicks in to the wounded weirdo.* 2 stars

The Michael Jackson Interview, The Footage You Were Never Meant To See *--FOX--* (2003)

*"Becareful what you do, because the lie becomes the truth."

Maury Povich pauses from hosting & revealing ghetto / white trash paternity tests to take an investigative behind the scenes footage look at the Martin Bashir documentary on MJ.

An almost propaganda piece trying to repair Jackson's image and justify his strange behavior, but it does shine a light on the deceitful approach of Bashir's manipulative tactics in getting close to Jackson via gaining his trust with comments approving of Michael's generosity and attitudes towards children and Michael's personal life in other ways, and then turning  around and only showing the most sensational things in his "Living With Michael Jackson" documentary.*

2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------------

The Greatest American Hero: pilot episode "UFO Encounter" *The teachers of troubled teens, those are the real heroes. This show has great music, and I don't just mean the cheesy wonderful theme song.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: I Accuse My Parents (feature) & The Truck Farmer (short) *Cultivate, refrigerate, exaggerate, denigrate.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Son of the Beach: In The G-Hetto *"Read my lips, I'm going down there and I'm going to lick your posse, and I'm going to enjoy it."* 2 1/2 stars

Black Sails: season 1 episode 1 *Blackbeard's snatch. Captain Flint's fluoride smile. Long John Silver's sexy good looks. I doubt these third world bandits were really this stylized.*               2 1/2 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers" (1988) *Heaven for guys who like big tits and Hell for guys who don't like to be chopped into little bits.* 3 stars

Hollywood Hillbillies: Headin' For Hollywood *Another internet infamous sensation extends he and his grandmother's 15 minutes of fame by acting as crass and crazy as possible for the reality tv cameras.* 1 star

TLC presents My Husband's Not Gay *These Latter Day Saint women believe that they have it made, because, with another woman, their husband would never stray. I wonder if the LGBT community would stand up for the rights of the "same sex attracted" who don't act on it for religious reasons, or if... ha... of coure not.* either zero                   or 2 1/2 stars

"Monster" (2003) *A look at someone, on the fringes of life, whose feral impulses sadly couldn't be justified even though she endured a life of inhuman treatment.* 3 stars

Viper: Pilot Movie *Not just a tv show promoting a crime fighting futuristic Dodge motor company concept car, maybe also a question of whether giving career criminals a clean slate of memory is violating their civil rights or not.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

"Midnight Plowboy" xxx (1971) *Welcome To The Jungle as performed by Going To The Country's Canned Heat.* 2 stars

Woops!: pilot episode (1992) *99.999999% of the world's population has died in a fiery hot flash, but a few quirky yuppies survive to yuck it up on a small farm. Cue the laugh track.*        2 stars

X Files: Eve *bloodthirsty replicas* 3 stars

"Nomads" (1986) *Searching too deep beneath the surface of reality, a cultural archaeologist starts being stalked by a skid row spirit-tribe.* close to 3 stars

Manimal: Manimal *Transmutation is not for the faint or feint of heart.* 2 1/2 stars

---- "Tusk" a Kevin Smith film (2014)

*20th century man spent his time doing amazing things, and had tales to tell later.

21st century man spends most of his time talking about ridiculous things.

This time 21st century man accomplishes one of those ridiculous things.

How to go about summing up something like this...

3 stars for the crazy screenplay.

3 stars for the incredible walrus special fx by Robert Kurtzman.

3 stars for Michael Parks' truly demented serial killer / world's most interesting man character.

2 stars for Haley Joel Osment's nerdy twenty something podcast comedy partner.

almost 2 1/2 stars for Justin Long's obnoxious and self absorbed hipster mustached podcast comedian.

3 stars for Justin Long's suffering through hell tortured and experimented on in the most gruesome way possible walrus-man.

1 1/2 stars for all the podcast nonsense.

either zero stars or 3 stars for Johnny Depp's Mike Myers esque eccentric inspector character.

and to finish out the whole whacked out affair, either 1 star or 3 stars for the absurd ending.*

===================================================================

Wizards and Warriors: The Unicorn of Death *Mind over matter. Also, lightning hawks, hawks that shoot lightning.* 3 stars

"Don't Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood" *"One fish two fish red fish blue fish, knick knack paddywhack give a dog a bone, Two thousand zero zero party over oops out of time, my bacon's smelling fine." The Wayans, just off of In Living Color and a handful of blackspoitation movies, take on Boyz in the Hood & Friday with their brand of satire that hadn't quite soured just yet like it would with the Scary Movie series. Somewhat not bad, nowhere as good as say an episode of Chapelle Show, but almost on the level of something like Comedy Central's Key & Peele.* 2 stars                      plus 3 stars for Bernie Mac's cameo speech

Freddy's Nightmares: School Daze ----------

*No more homework, no more books, no more teachers' dirty looks. Just robotic students.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Standard Achievement Torture.* 2 1/2 stars

-------------------------------------

"Ben and Arthur" (2002) *I'm sure that everyone involved with this shot-on-video "movie" had their big, gay hearts in the right place, but the results are so oddly misguided that it cursed the gay rights movement and set queer equality back at least a decade.* 1 star

Tales From The Crypt: My Brother's Keeper *Two guys attached at the ass-cheek, now that's freaks. And it's definitely a wild half of the siamese situation if Timothy Stack is the straight laced one.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Cannon Video: Fifty Fifty (1993) *A couple of "in it for the money" mercenaries find a change of heart and purpose, when they're sold out by the U.S. government after initially being hired to train a  ragtag group of villagers to overthrow a cruel dictator.*                 close to 3 stars

Jonny Quest: Double Danger *monkeying around with hallucinagens* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000:  Operation Double 007 *"Terrorists were a lot more fun back then." Thankfully, Sean Connery's brother, Neil, also didn't try to rip off Highlander 2 or Zardoz.* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 stars without

The Prisoner: The General *Blind memorization is a learn-ed way for a slave to show its appreciation to its masters.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 episode 19 *"Balancing faith and science" as the lead investigator questions whether or not he should debunk a crazy lady's haunting experiences.*                           between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: Walk A Mile In My Shoots *Arcane and Swamp Thing trade places.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

American Horror Story: Coven "Burn, Witch, Burn" *Ask me no questions and I'll tell thee no lie. Mama's little baby love shortenin'. Fry fry fry. Febreeze will get the odors out of any room where dead things lie.*   3 stars

American Gothic: Dead to the World *Denial ain't just a river in Bum-Fuck, Egypt.* close to 3 stars

Justified: season 1 episode 2 *Rhythm, romancin', runnin', and rippin' up the floorboards.* 3 stars

"The Census Taker" (1984) *"An outrageous invasion of privacy."* 3 stars

Hannibal: Potage *Manipulation in Maryland, Minnesota, and the media.* 3 stars

X Files: Fire *amorous arsonist* 2 1/2 stars

12 Monkeys: Pilot episode *Hourglasses of the hydra.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Thirteenth Floor" (1999) *"Hate to see that evening sun go down." Digital virtual deja-vu.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Birthright *Senator Al Gore is all about shooting up with supplements and saving the environment by saturating it with methane for his alien race to take over and inhabit.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Northern Exposure: Brains, Know How and Native Intelligence *singing the body electric and fixing the plumbing.* 3 stars

Son of the Beach: Love, Native American Style *firebush and big hose* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Island of the Body Snatchers *Ariel almost loses her mind and her body in the mystery zone.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Twisted Claw *Wish in one hand, let a vulture shit in the other.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Eegah! *RRRR! Richard Kiel is really big and really lonely and he wants to rape a gal named Roxy. It's like King Kong set in a resort desert town where a Ricky Nelson reject is constantly rocking out.* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Weird Science: The Feminine Mistake *The guys get turned into chicks and experience what the other sex has to go through with horny guys like themselves.* 3 stars

Jack London's "Call of the Wild" starring Charlton Heston & featuring "Buck" the dog *Buck worth more than all the gold in the Klondike.* 3 stars

"Ax Giant" *"All strut and no gut." Paul Bunyan puts a cgi sawblade through Grizzly Adams' bear-sized head for eating his blue ox named Babe.* 2 stars

MLK Day Tribute ---------------

Morton Downey Jr.: Racism with Dr. Charles King (2 appearances on the show) *One of the last ballsy, crazy, and passionately confused conversations about race conducted by the media before political correctness closed the door.* either zero or 3 stars

---------------------------------------------

Abel Ferarra's "King of New York" (1990) *Max Shreck, magnanimous and soulful.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

X Files: Beyond the Sea *Serial killer -Brad Dourif- claims to channel the beyond and a grieving Scully's recently deceased dad. but is he just a coward staying execution?* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "The New York Ripper" *quacking misogyny* 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: Talk To Me Baby *"You gonna believe your eyes or are you gonna believe me?" Shared feelings and Samson-haired Bud "tries" to be less of a horndog for other women, but he's only a man afterall and after a night at the bar watching a wet t-shirt contest. If his hot foreign accent nympho girlfriend don't forgive him and talk, he's gonna flip his muscle car and go out Romeo style with her in the passenger seat.* 3 stars

William Friedkin's "Cruising" (1980) *assault, alarm, assuage, acclimate, assplay, and arrest* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Girl In Lovers Lane *Drifters and the females who foolishly fawn over them. A Route 66 romantic tragedy.* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

American Horror Story: Murder House "Spooky Little Girl" *The apparition of the Black Dahlia is misdiagnosed with acute anxiety.* 3 stars

Nic Cage is "Left Behind" (2014) *Bono raptured. U2 concert postponed.* either 1 star or 2 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Cabin Fever -----------

*Fly the Freddy skies.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

*Freddy finds his Laura Palmer.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-----------------------------------------

True Detective: The Locked Room *Scarred snowflakes* 3 stars

"Night Warning" (1983) *"Fuckin' deviants, the world is full of 'em." Hoop dreams, ''homophobia'', and a hilariously insane Susan Tyrrell.* 3 stars

Svengoolie: House of Horrors *Creepin' on art critics.* close to 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: The Secret *Blue hued and sweet toothed tale of a wolf boy adopted by vampires.* 3 stars

Charles Bronson in "Cold Sweat" *A History of Violence in a French fishing village with American muscle car action.* close to 3 stars

Viper: Once A Thief *Viper-Man takes a suped-up stroll down memory lane with his delinquent former protege, Robin.* 2 1/2 stars

Son of the Beach: Two Thongs Don't Make A Right *The Devil's butt floss and daddy's B.J.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Betsy Russell is a "Tomboy" *Battle of the sexes in a light-hearted, cheesy reality that's not afraid to get raunchy.* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Magical Thinking" *Weak men and strong women.* close to 3 stars

Paranormal Witness: The Visitors *It's either one of two scenarios for this episode: A) A door to door salesman is duped into believing he's cursed with demons and uses his scientific background, and connections, to explain it. or B) A bored, middle-aged former scientist, and his tech buddies, try to establish a hoax with alledged proof of the paranormal.* 2 stars

The Greatest American Hero: The Hit Car *Heavier than air, heavy like Shakespeare.* 3 stars

"Killdozer" (1974) *Grizzled workmen in an isolated setting sci-fi horror that's similar to and yet almost a decade ahead of John Carpenter's "The Thing."*                          between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Black Sails: Season 1 Episode 2 *Cooking up a kingdom, of reprieve, through barter and betrayal.*            between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Dolph Lundgren in "Dark Angel" aka "I Come In Peace" (1990) *Phantasm's The Tall Man the cyberpunk / heavymetal years, now available on projectile compact-disc, just in time for a White-boy's Christmas.* 2 1/2 stars

Tim & Eric -Bedtime Stories: The Endorsement *Subversive swipe at Sunset BLVD* 3 stars

Puppy-Bowl: Unnecessary Roughness *Puppies wrestling at the "50 yard line" and hamsters overhead in a tiny blimp. This is okay with PETA, yet I can no longer go to my cockfights on Friday nights.* either 1 star or 2 1/2 stars

Kung Fu: Blood Brother *Dignity should not remain surrendered or buried in the mire.* 3 stars

Shaw Brothers: Roar of the Lion *(Traditional Chinese costumes) Lion versus dragon in a kung-fu dance off ceremony that's also comedy gold in a stunt filled comedy filled flick.* 3 stars

Manimal: Illusion *Manimal predicted the Siegfried & Roy tragedy, and Richard Lynch plays a diplomatic immunity villain before Lethal Weapon does the same.*           between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

King of the Hill: It Ain't Over Till The Fat Neighbor Sings *"What a glorious feeling, I'm happy again." In Hank's reality, he loses it when he can't micro-manage any poor decision making that's always hilariously exaggerated.* 3 stars

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Group Dates *Dennis comes unhinged when women rate him, online, as a zero. Frank can't keep Mac & Charlie from offending their blind dates, and he can't keep his cockring from slipping off. Dee's plan to stick it to men by giving them one night stands winds up backfiring.* 3 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: Season 1 Episode 7 *Black noises, thirsting voices striking, impeaching.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

15 Storeys High: Blue Rat *All of the energy, none of the fuss, plus a pony.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: Season 1 Finale *A is for anxiety and or African American spirit girl humming to a sensitive, young medium girl.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars