#not everybody with trauma wants to make an attempt on their life

[blimbo-buddy]

weird that people view BristleFrosts death as a sacrifice, but view ShadowSights hypothetical death ,in place of BristleFrost, as being suicide

what makes this difference. Why are we assuming that a characters trauma automatically makes their hypothetical sacrifice “suicide”. How do we know BristleFrost wasn’t suicidal and her sacrifice was laced with suicidal intentions, I’m just saying man

[warabidakihime]

★ characters: levi ackerman x reader | modern au

★ plot summary: levi helps you get through an episode

★ content warnings : implied su!cidal ideations, talks about mental illness (panic attacks, anxiety, and depression).

★ a/n: just a lil something i wrote out of sheer indulgence cause i am going through it ૮₍ ˃ ⤙ ˂ ₎ა . so i guess you could say this is true to life and the only difference is, i don't have a levi by myself doing all these for me LOL. BUT YEAH, i hope you like this one and i hope it could help other people who might be going through the same thing.

sending everybody hugs!

-

Title: Until When Do I Need to Run?

"What if I'm too tired by the time I reach the 'pinnacle' of my life?"

Your voice sounded soft and vulnerable as you let those words slip through your lips.

Normally, you wouldn't let these kinds of thoughts escape the confines of your mind, but today, your heart was desperately screaming for any semblance of salvation.

Anything that could shed light on your ever-gloomy world.

From the dining table where your boyfriend sat, enjoying his freshly brewed jasmine tea after dinner, Levi raised an eyebrow in your direction. "What?"

You were at the sink, washing the dishes, as it was your turn this week. You chuckled humorlessly as you rinsed a plate rather mindlessly. "It's nothing. I was just thinking out loud."

"And thinking ridiculous things too," Levi said, his voice louder than usual. It didn't occur to you that he had moved until you were spun around, facing him. He was already behind you while you were racking your brains for a response.

"What's wrong with you? Did something happen?" His frown was deep, his gray eyes piercing. Despite being shorter, his presence loomed over you.

Reaching for the kitchen towel to dry your hands, you stayed mute for a few minutes in an attempt to gather your thoughts.

"Work has just been... rough lately, and the stress is getting to me. But today was especially hard," you started. You were speaking slowly, trying to articulate your words as best as you could.

It was something your therapist had taught you years ago. Because of the things you went through growing up and the trauma you'd accumulated, you'd unfortunately lost your ability to speak coherently at times, almost to the point of being considered a person with a disability.

Having such a handicap was frustrating and humiliating, to say the least. It angered you when you couldn't get the right words out or when your mind went blank mid-sentence, rendering you temporarily mute.

Thankfully, you had Levi. He'd been your boyfriend for eight years, and since you got together, life wasn't as draining as it once was. You couldn't be more grateful to him. The two of you had met while you were on a coffee run at work. He was behind you in line, and when your card was unfortunately declined and you didn't have cash on you, you almost had an anxiety attack.

In his own way of displaying kindness, Levi scoffed from behind you and handed the cashier his card to pay for both your orders.

"If you don't want to go through something like that again, make sure you have cash on you, dumbass."

And the rest was history.

You went quiet again, and while Levi waited patiently, he took your hand, gave it a loving squeeze, and led you to the living room so that you could sit and talk comfortably.

Once you were settled, you took a deep breath, which sounded shaky as it escaped your lips. Your emotions were clearly piling up inside, and it was just a matter of when they would burst.

"Steady your breathing first, Y/N," Levi said as he rubbed your back gently, doing his best to comfort you while you grounded yourself. "Take your time."

Smiling sheepishly at him, you did as told, and then finally, you continued to confide in him.

"Nothing major happened, but work has been really hectic recently due to the amount of things we need to do, and it doesn't help that my team is severely understaffed. So, I guess the fatigue and stress have been piling up, and it's getting to me."

Levi noticed the tension in your shoulders and the way your hands were trembling slightly. He reached out and gently massaged your temples, his touch soothing.

"Any word on that incompetent manager of yours? They're looking for a replacement, right?" Levi asked, his voice tinged with annoyance. He knew the lore of what was happening at your workplace, and to say that he was pissed was an understatement.

Not only were you neglected by your immediate supervisor, but you also had to catch up and do his workload while still getting paid less than him. The whole thing was a mess, and to be completely honest, Levi was on edge, worried for your well-being. It sucked that his worst fears were manifesting.

"They're doing the best they can, so I'm just waiting patiently on that."

Levi let out a 'tsk' and rolled his eyes, clearly more annoyed for you. The gesture caused you to giggle a little.

"And to sum it all up, the whole thing kind of shoved me into another episode, and I started to overthink things again." You said with a pout, then continued, "I started to think of negative things again, like the fact I literally have to work like a horse just so I can survive for another two weeks. From that, I started to get dizzy because it dawned on me that it would literally take me years to succeed. And then I thought, what if by the time I reach the most successful point of my life, I'm too tired to celebrate or to even continue living because that's what I've been striving to achieve for so long, and that's where I've been pouring all my energy—"

"Okay, stop. Stop right there," Levi interrupted, his voice firm. He let out a frustrated sigh and pulled you closer, taking your hands in his. "You're spiraling, Y/N. You're making a mountain out of a molehill. We're going to tackle this together, one step at a time. Right now, you need to breathe and relax."

His gray eyes held a stern yet caring expression. "Focus on the now, Y/N. We deal with problems as they come. I'm here. I'll be your anchor, but you have to let go of the rope a little."

You looked into his eyes, feeling the weight of his words. Levi had always been your rock—the one who grounded you when your mind spiraled. You knew he was right, and his presence always brought you back to reality.

As you sat there, hand in hand, you felt a sense of calm wash over you.

"Thank you, Levi," you whispered, leaning in to rest your head on his shoulder.

Levi noticed the shift in your demeanor. He squeezed your hand reassuringly, his other hand coming up to stroke your hair gently.

"You know, Y/N," he started softly, his voice a stark contrast to his earlier firmness. "You're incredibly strong. You've faced challenges I couldn't imagine, and you’ve come out stronger for it. But even the strongest people need to recharge."

He paused, giving you a moment to absorb his words. "It's okay to not be okay sometimes. It's okay to feel overwhelmed. What matters is how you deal with it. And right now, you're dealing with it by talking to me instead of keeping all that to yourself, and you've also been really consistent with it, which is a huge step. Good job."

Levi squeezed your hand gently again. "We'll figure this out together. Maybe we can start by setting some boundaries at work. Or maybe we can find some ways to de-stress outside of work. We can try new hobbies, or just spend more quality time together."

You felt a lump form in your throat as you listened to Levi's words. Just him being there for you brought so much warmth; it's as if he's hugging you from within.

At that moment, you realized how lucky you were to have him in your life.

You looked up at him, your eyes filled with a mixture of gratitude and vulnerability. His words, spoken with such gentle sincerity, had a profound effect on you. It felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders. You realized how much you had been bottling up and how much you had been neglecting your own well-being.

"Thank you," you whispered, your voice barely audible. "Thank you for always being here for me. I don't know what I would do without you."

Levi smiled softly, reaching up to brush away a stray tear that had escaped your eye. "You don't have to figure it out alone, Y/N. And never, ever hesitate to reach out to me. I am the last person that would push you away."

A comfortable silence settled between you as you both took a moment to appreciate the connection. The soft glow of the living room lamp casts a warm ambiance, creating an intimate atmosphere.

"I know I've been a bit of a downer lately," you admitted, your voice trembling slightly. "I hate that I let this get to me. I hate that I'm becoming this person who's always stressed and overwhelmed."

Levi squeezed your hand tighter.

"You're not this person, Y/N. You're going through a tough time, and that's okay."

You nodded, feeling a sense of relief wash over you. It was comforting to know that you had someone who understood and supported you unconditionally.

The conversation continued, flowing naturally as you shared your fears and worries with Levi. He listened patiently, offering words of encouragement and practical advice. You felt a sense of peace as you opened up to him, something you hadn't done in a long time.

Hours seemed to fly by as you talked. The initial darkness outside had given way to the soft hues of dawn. Levi's grip on your hand never loosened, his presence a constant source of comfort.

Eventually, the weight of exhaustion began to creep in. You yawned, your eyes heavy with sleep. Levi noticed and smiled gently.

"It's late, Y/N," he said softly. "Let's head to bed."

You nodded, your head leaning against his shoulder. "Mkay. Thank you, Levi."

Levi kissed the top of your head. "You're welcome. We'll talk more about this tomorrow if you want, alright?" 

You nodded, a sheepish smile on your face. "Okay."

He stood up and stretched, a yawn escaping his lips. "I'll get us some water."

You watched as Levi moved toward the kitchen, feeling exponentially better, all thanks to him. When he returned with two glasses of water, he handed you one and sat back down beside you.

"Drink up," he said, his voice soft but firm.

You took a sip, feeling the cool liquid soothe your throat. After finishing the water, you placed the glass on the coffee table and turned to Levi.

"Thank you, Levi, for everything," you said, your voice full of sincerity.

He gave you a small smile, his eyes reflecting his affection for you. "Always, Y/N."

Setting his glass aside, Levi suddenly cupped your face with his hands, his touch gentle yet commanding. He leaned in, his lips capturing yours in a kiss that was more passionate and eager than usual. His kiss conveyed all the love, support, and reassurance he wanted to give you, grounding you in the moment.

You responded in kind, your arms wrapping around his neck as you melted into the kiss. The intensity of the moment made your worries fade away, replaced by the warmth and love radiating from Levi. He pulled you closer, deepening the kiss, his hands moving to your waist, holding you securely.

When you finally pulled away for air, you rested your forehead against his, your breaths mingling. Levi's eyes were soft but intense, filled with a promise of unwavering support.

"You're not alone, Y/N," he whispered, his voice husky with emotion. "I love you, and I'll always be here for you."

Tears of gratitude filled your eyes as you looked at him. "I love you too, Levi."

With that, he took your hand and led you to the bedroom. You both settled into bed, the weight of the day's worries feeling lighter. As you lay there, wrapped in each other's arms, you felt a sense of peace and security that only Levi could provide.

"Goodnight, Y/N," Levi murmured, his breath warm against your ear.

"Goodnight, Levi," you replied, your voice barely above a whisper.

The room fell into a serene silence, only your steady breathing filling the space. Levi’s arms around you felt like a shield against the world’s troubles, and the steady beat of his heart was a comforting rhythm that lulled you into relaxation.

As sleep began to pull you under, you felt a tender kiss pressed to your forehead while Levi’s fingers lightly traced soothing patterns on your back—his way of reminding you that he was always there, ready to lift the burdens you carried.

[ghostandsoap]

Haunted Sleep

Simon “Ghost” Riley x Fem! Civilian! Reader Warnings: Mentions of trauma. Nightmares. Panic attack. Anxiety. Word Count: 1.7k A/N: Primary blog is @allixiler​​, so note that any replies from that account means that it’s me! Can’t make replies from a side blog SMH. “It’ll stop in a minute.”

⋆˙⟡ ♡⋆˙⟡

⋆˙⟡ ♡⋆˙⟡

Your voice was smooth and serene as you attempted to soothe the man wrapped around you.  He was clinging to you for dear life, holding on like you were a balloon that would float off into the universe if he let go of the string.  

“You’re okay, Simon. You’re safe.” You rocked him, kissing his head that was buried into your chest. 

He could barely hear you. Your words were just hardly louder than the pounding drum of his heartbeat in his ears. His blood was running blazing hot. All four of his limbs were tingling with adrenaline, and his core ached from actively trying to fight his panic response. 

The bulk of a man that was usually bold and tall was now trembling and had crumbled completely. The way his muscles were contracting and releasing over and over in such an aggressive way had him fighting for a real gulp of air. His violent trembling and his profuse sweating was only the physical representation of what was going on in that reeling head of his. 

His jaw was clenched as hard as he could manage. The muscles of his face were tight and aching as he fought as hard as he could to keep the pools of tears in his eyes from overflowing and spilling onto his cheek. He didn’t want you to see him cry. Ghost didn’t cry. He couldn’t stand the thought of you seeing him at his absolute weakest. 

The sheets were damp with his perspiration, his side of the bed completely disheveled from his thrashing in his troubled sleep. His bloodshot and waterlogged eyes made their way to the digital alarm clock on your bedside table – the digits on the screen blaring red. 

3:18 a.m.

As much as he hated you seeing him in such a meltdown, this wasn’t the first time that this had happened. He mentally cursed himself for waking you up for the second time this week in the dead of night. 

“I’m fine.” Ghost croaked, his words overly sharp as a way of compensating for how vulnerable he was.  

He wasn’t mad at you. Far from it actually. If anything, you were the only thing keeping him from completely falling apart and ripping at the seams.  

Nightmares had been a constant in Ghost’s life. 

They stemmed from his childhood and hardships (definitely an understatement) growing up, but as time had gone on – they seemed to center more around his adult life. 

Specifically, his career choice. 

The terrors usually would come and go, happening multiple times a week for a few weeks before they would disappear for a while, only to return just as soon as he thought that they were finally gone for good. They were vivid flashing and moving images of his brushes with death and the close calls of his colleagues and friends. Sometimes they were horror dreams of what had happened and other times they were depictions of what could happen.  

Ghost knew the risk. Everybody did. It was a risk that he was well aware of every time he departed on a mission. It was a risk that he had always been willing to take for the sake of what he was passionate about and what he found to be important. 

Ghost tried to cut himself as much slack as his pride and ego would allow. He understood that the average person couldn’t do what he did. Most people wouldn’t want to throw themselves into the line of fire like he did. He wasn’t the only one that suffered. Ghost had only disclosed his struggle to Soap once or twice, a struggle that Ghost learned that Soap shared with him. In a weird way, Ghost would’ve been concerned if what he had seen and encountered didn’t haunt him in the times where his mind was quiet. 

Over time, Ghost had learned to live with the nightmares. His initial panic didn’t last as long as it used to. The sweating, heavy breathing, racing heart, and the fight to get calm usually could be resolved within 15 or 20 minutes. That didn’t offer Ghost much consolation though.  

Because that only meant that he was used to them – not that he was getting better.  

It was one thing dealing with them alone. It was another when he had the woman he loved thrown into the mix. Ghost knew that at some point he’d face this obstacle. He knew he’d have one of his nightmares at the most inconvenient time – and in a way that would inconvenience you. 

The first time had happened earlier in the week, around 2:30 a.m. on the quietest night possible. He had jolted straight up off the mattress with a gasp so deep that his lungs and chest were sore the next day. The sudden disturbance snatched you out of your own slumber, and his reaction of fear was so foreign to you that it nearly gave you a panic attack yourself. As an instinct, you had reached for him, grabbing his bicep as a show of concern. He had flinched as if your touch had burned him, clearly frightened and panic stricken.  

He hadn’t allowed you to touch him for the rest of the night after that. Embarrassed and ashamed, he had fled to the bathroom to get calmed down on his own. He left you confused and close to a heart attack, but even more worried about him than anything.  

When he returned a half hour later, he didn’t speak a word. 

He silently and less shakily changed into a fresh T-shirt and pair of sweatpants that weren’t soaked with sweat. He ignored your questions of concern, and he crawled back into bed without saying anything other than “I’m fine.” You couldn’t get anything out of him, despite your attempts. There was an elephant in the room the next day. Ghost didn’t want to talk about it, and you were hesitant to bring it up. You didn’t speak about it verbally, but your usual shows of affection were doubled and lingering, a physical sign that you were there for him. 

Even though the next two nights were nightmare-free, Ghost’s guilt simmered and boiled over. He felt terrible for pushing you away when all you wanted was to help. Closing himself off to you was no good for either of you. He owed you honesty.  

He didn’t scurry off when the second nightmare of the week hit. You had reacted the same way – with care and understandable concern. He did the only thing that he could think to do. 

He latched onto you as if you were the only person in the world, and you held onto him as if his life depended on it. 

“You’re not fine,” You remarked as sweetly as you could and in a way that wasn’t pressuring. “I’m here for you.”

I’m here for you. 

The words rang in his head and stayed there for a few extra seconds. It amazed him (and also confused him) how he was able to be so lucky. He hadn’t done anything notable in his mind. He hadn’t done anything that deserved the reward and blessing of such an incredible woman – a woman that he reminded himself daily that he didn’t deserve. 

The woman who offered herself as counsel to him over and over. The woman who loved him endlessly and without judgment. The woman who was there for him at every turn. The woman who undoubtedly cared for him a whole lot more than he could ever possibly understand. 

The woman who was able to see right through the hard outer shell that protected the real Simon Riley – a scarred, battered man who kept his heart on a shelf as a way of protecting the little bit of pureness and love that was left from what had already been cruelly robbed from him. 

“It’ll stop in a minute.” He shuddered, referring to the vigorous quivering of his entire body. 

You were beginning to put the pieces together. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that a man with a past like Simon and the career that he held could potentially come to seek him out in what were supposed to be his most calm and unguarded moments. Frankly, in that sense, there wasn’t much you could say to console him. The best you could do was sit with him in his moments of high anxiety and emotional distress. 

The bottom side of your hand made tender trails up and down his back, caressing him through the fabric of his t-shirt. Sympathetic kisses were littered across the crown of his head and to his temples. Each one made his chest flutter, a feeling that he had only been getting used to since knowing you. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” You asked when his trembling had faded into more of a dull shake. 

“No,” Ghost answered a bit too quickly for his own liking, to which he corrected himself promptly. “No, just…not yet.” 

You nodded with understanding. This was progress, albeit a small bit. Even if he wasn’t talking about it, it felt good to know that he was at least opening up the showing of his feelings to you. You didn’t want him to be scared. With all the frights that he had been put through, you never wanted him to be anything but content. If you could have it your way, you’d take the nightmares from him, because then at least they wouldn’t mean anything to you or hold any personal reality to them. 

“Love, if you want to go back to sleep, I can crash on the couch downstairs so-” 

“No, no. I want to stay right here.” You replied, not wanting to leave him alone for even a moment. 

He was relieved to hear you say it, but he wouldn’t have blamed you the other way. Not much else was said for the remainder of the night. He fell back asleep within the next hour, his ear pressed up against your sternum, where he could fear the faintest sound of your heart beating. 

The pace of your heartbeat had slowed back to a regular rhythm in the last few minutes. Upon realizing that he wasn’t in immediate danger, your initial alarmed response was called off. It sent him to sleep gradually, easing him back into his state of sleep. The steady rate of your heart was oddly relaxing to him. It felt like a privilege to be able to listen to the very piece of you that gave you life. 

A life that he was very, very thankful for.

[punkeropercyjackson]

Percy Jackson as a character and as a narrative is just so inherently transfem.The whole point is Percy never does anything wrong,she never meant to hurt anyone,she always tried to be a good,GOOD kid but everyone treated her like a monster just because she exists.There's nothing wrong with her,she's not a bad person and she never was or will be but that didn't stop all her classmates from bullying her over clocking her as a 'weirdo' for in-universe no explained reason except she's so different from everybody,even other half-bloods,and it absolutely plays into her audhd she never learned how to mask but seperating autism and transfeminism is bad faith at the absolute best

Her biggest abuser was her stepdad and her only supporter was her mom.Her birth dad is deadbeat who called her 'a mistake' to his misogynistic brother to save face and he's the god of the sea,which holds boundless femininity to it in symbolism,aesthetics and folklore or mythology if you will.She's a 2000s punk who was a bully beater during her entire school career but wanted to live just a happy normal teenage(girl)hood she never got-The gods,authority figures,older men in her life stole it from her.Percy is perpetually framed as the greatest of all time due to not being like traditional greek male heroes,never are the greek female heroes painted in a bad light!!!, and it was the actual plot of The Titan's Curse,notably the book where Percy officially became a teenager.The SECOND Percy entered the cusp of puberty,she went on a quest for an archaic group of lesbians that protect young women abused by men to prove herself as nothing like (implied) cis men.Percy herself is textually a trauma misandrist who hates masculinity and is enchanted by the femininity of her fellow (out) women every time she meets one and is canonically insecure about her looks too.'Almost' as if she's revolted at the idea of having to present masculinely and wants to present femininely so she can be pretty like a girl and not manly like a boy

Her lack of masculinity is explicitly commented on twice,both times by canonical queer characters:Piper,who is a butch unlabeled wlw and dubbed her 'unimpressive' in terms of masculinity compared to what she'd heard at Camp Half-Blood(accidental meta commentary?)and Nico,who is gay and realized he never actually had a crush on Percy but on the ideallic man he projected onto her.Nico and Percy have history that goes way back to TTC and a platonic cosmic connection they wove for themselves completely accidentally yet all on purpose and she compared her treatment of him to acting like a mom and even canon itself couldn't make them them hate eachother despite Rick's attempt at retconning their relathionship and they're extremely eldest daughter/middle brother-coded(speaking from experience btw).With the exception of Nico and Grover-an effeminate boy she stood up for from getting picked on for being 'wimpy',all of Percy's friends growing up were girls and this includes her ex-turned even closer-friend Rachel,who falls under many irl lesbian norms,including her type of femininity and a common transfem experience is the canon Perachel dynamic.Her most common clothing item is hoodies and one of her pet's is technically trans(Blackjack)and Aphrodite told her she needs to stop trying to be something she's not to be truly beautiful and 'The sea does not like to be restrained' is a quote said to describe her and her intro book had a title about cheeseburgers(sorry,had to include that joke)

I always thought Percy Jackson made the most sense as a female character when i first read the books,all the way back in elementary school.And now that i've grown up and fully discovered and embraced my own transgenderism(albeit it was transmasc femme gender fuckery),i know she does.Percy's 'not' 'like' a girl to me,Percy IS a girl to me.And she should be to everyone else /threat

[cluescorner]

Tim Drake has a weird fucking function

The thing about Tim that I find unique is that his life became SO MUCH WORSE after joining the heroing thing. Everybody else had a mid-to-shit life before becoming a hero/living with Bruce and mostly everybody (except Jason who LITERALLY DIED) had their life improved by being a hero/being Bruce's kid (or at least it is typically portrayed as such.

Tim had the exact opposite trajectory. His life wasn't perfect before he became Robin, but like...multi-millionaire/billionaire (canon is unclear, but he's within Gotham's upper-strata) kid with both natural intelligence + charisma and a bright future ahead of him and parents who were emotionally neglectful but nothing really beyond that (which is also a form of trauma, but all of the info we have indicates that the Drakes were no Arthur Brown or David Cain) and he still had other people he could rely on outside of them. He went to boarding school, which could be something horrible OR something amazing depending on your own thoughts/experiences. I grew up having a commute where we'd drive past a really pretty and rich af boarding school that literally everybody in our area DREAMED of going to, so to me the idea of going to boarding school sounds incredible but mileage may vary. Tim seems like the type of kid who would thrive in that though. Based on what we know in canon atm, his pre-robin life was fucking amazing.

And then he starts being the sidekick and working towards becoming Robin. His parents immediately get kidnapped and poison themselves through drinking tainted water; his mom dies and his dad is in a coma. This is not the fault of Robin, but Tim himself muses about the idea that Robin and dead parents are linked: to become Robin completely, you must lose your parents. And with how fate/destiny/canon events can operate in comics universes, maybe he isn't that far off. Once his dad wakes up, their relationship becomes strained as the man grieves the loss of his wife and realizes that his son has been doing vigilantism as a hobby. It is unclear exactly how good of a parent Jack was before the incident, but the results of Tim's involvement with the Robin mantle has definitely made things worse between father and son. Jack will also die within quick succession of 2 of Tim's best friends, his girlfriend, and his other father. He will also effectively lose like 1/2 his loved ones in the fallout of all of that mess including: his older brother, his other friends (both civilian and superhero), and the stepmother with whom he shared what I would argue is his best parent-child relationship (Dana also may have died, but it's left unclear). He has stopped pursuing higher education (the moment he even applied for college he 'died', and it seems he hasn't made another attempt since) and if he wasn’t a major focus of the media before he sure is now. He tries to quit briefly (in fact he initially was planning on quitting once someone more suited came along) and cannot bring himself to do so. Even when he does manage to get away for a while, his superhero life impacts the pre-robin life he is trying to go back to. Leaving is an impossibility, this is all there is for him now. He also isn’t allowed to make mistakes anymore, not when lives hang in the balance. The one who enforces that impossible standard the most (besides Bruce depending on who's writing) is himself. He’s got TRAUMA now and people want to hurt him constantly. He is constantly questioning his own sanity and morality and place in the world. He almost dies like every month. Tim grows colder and less grounded, he is becoming both a better and a worse version of himself at the same time. He’s saving lives in the same few issues as he’s setting up a Saw movie plot for the man who killed his father. He is haunted by the ghosts of his past and the looming figure of his future. His life becomes SO MUCH FUCKING WORSE after he becomes Robin. Some of it is the fault of others, some is the fault of circumstance, and some of it is due to his own actions. But basically all of Tim's worst traumas and life-changing moments are either tied to or caused by Robin. Dick's parents would still be dead, Jason would still be living on the streets, Stephanie would still have Arthur Brown for a father and a lot of other things that deserve their own posts/IDK if they've been retconned, and Damian would still have been raised in the eco-cult where death is a constant. Those are life circumstances that occur without the involvement of Robin, the only one who even needs Bruce involved at all in their series of events is Damian. But Tim? All of what is considered his 'worst' moments occur after he assumes the role.

This idea is what I find the coolest and most fascinating about Tim as a character. Being a hero is usually portrayed as either an outright awesome thing or a righteous duty that one must fulfill or (maybe in a grimmer and/or more grounded story) a sacrifice to your interpersonal relationships/mental health that is made for the greater good. For Tim, being a superhero actively ruined his life (both because of the general circumstances surrounding being a kid vigilante and the choices he made as part of that role). It's never portrayed that way in canon because we need to come out of issues going 'wow being a superhero is so cool! I'm gonna buy the next issue!', but when you just look at Tim's life literally everything really bad that we know of occurred after he became Robin.

[sweatreleaseofdeaths]

I never liked some aspects of SNK's ending since it came out back in 2021. Not because I thought it was bad or because I thought it wasn't well made, but because it felt forced. 

The sudden change of Eren's feelings about Mikasa was one thing that pissed me off, but also because Isayama's original ending wasn't even supposed to be the one that we got. It felt like he only wrote that specific ending for the fans and readers (and maybe because he was tired too; have you seen the bags?) and not because that was the ending that he wanted to write. 

Like you can clearly tell by the last arc that he took a drastic turn on where the story would go to make it "happier," for lack of better words.

 

The way I saw it from the beginning, there was no getting out of it. No happy ending whatsoever. And true to it, the ending with got was bittersweet. Everything Eren did was for nothing because the cycle started back again.

I did actually appreciate that, because it showed us something that was an actual reality. Even if it did help for a bit, nothing really changed because it's in humanity's nature to always start the cycle once again.

However, what I wanted to see more was his original idea of everybody dying. Instead of that, Isayama went and tried to pull a Naruto (with Armin and Eren) so that they could talk it out, understand each other, and come to an understanding. (The understanding being: the reasons of his actions, Eren's need to die, and their promises) 

From an interview (if I'm not mistaken), the original ending was apparently inspired by "The Mist," which is basically about the protagonist being the cause of his loved ones downfall in an attempt to protect them. Sounds familiar, right? It feels like it was going in that direction, then Isayama just decided to make them all resolve their differences, for some reason. 

I personally don't hate the ending; like I said, I just think it was a tad forced on his end.

 

On the Mikasa/Eren thing, do NOT get me wrong. Mikasa is and has always been an important character to this story. Her as well as her relationship with Eren IS special. Now just because what they share is special doesn't necessarily mean that it's "love.".

On Mikasa's side, she literally lost her parents and met Eren a second later because he killed for her and came to her defense. She latched into him because of that. She was a traumatised child with a deeply unhealthy view of love, so while she did love Eren, the way she showed it could be interpreted as just obsession toward her rescuer.

But the thing with Mikasa's character is that the more the story goes, the more you see her become her own person without Eren. Either it be choosing between her desire to stay with him or her duties as a soldier, or even when she had to make a choice between killing him or not being willing to because of how much she loves him.

I honestly love Mikasa as a character so much. You can see her growth and see her trying to get past her trauma step by step. So, at the end, even though she never stopped loving Eren, she moved on and started a life for herself, because that's where her development was leading to.

Contrary to her, Eren had little to no self-restraint. He was hot-headed and only believed in what he believed, walking the path that he felt was right. He was obsessed with one thing and one thing only (that's literally everything he talked about), never straying from it no matter what happened.

I feel like he never tried to get past his trauma, only feeding into it the more time passed. From always getting into fights because of different perspectives he had with people (i.e., hitting one of the guys who was badmouthing the scouts with a stick) to ending 80% of humanity. Eren was selfish from the beginning; everything he did was for himself. Even the rumbling was partially for himself because his freedom couldn't be obtained if the people outside the walls were still around. 

Eren was and will always be a deeply selfish person, but there is also more to that. (So much more that I'm not even going to get into that here, because I love Eren too much and wouldn't be doing him any justice by resuming his character in just a few words.)

 

TLDR: Eren did not love her romantically (he did LOVE her; it just wasn't romantic), and even if Isayama wanted to say that they did love each other, what they shared ultimately was toxic. It could've turned into something better if Eren was less self-centred, but then again. My issue with all of this is that Isayama underexplored this aspect of their relationship so much that it just was out of the blue (and might I add ooc without getting shot) when Eren started wailing about not wanting her to end up with someone else.

You can't just make a story, build it, and put effort into it, then make a little throwaway line of "Oh, these two love each other, btw." That's just not how it works. You have to develop it for the readers to understand, and even if some people end up not liking it, it wouldn't matter because at least you made it make sense. 

 

Also! I'm not criticising SNK, nor am I criticising Isayama. I've loved this story for years, so really, at the end of the day, even if some things still felt off to me, I will keep loving it to death. (And you can ship whoever you want who gives a fuck!)

[puc-puggy]

s4 sucked, but Five wasn't out of character aside from the lila romance.[1] what he is is a broken old man finally showing the cracks. everybody wants to treat 5 like a snarky 14 year old brat, but he is NOT. that man is OLD. he has lived through over 60 hard years. he's a brat because he is an old, incredibly intelligent theoretical physicist stuck in the body of a 14 year old, and the body of the 14 year old encourages everyone to forget he is a nearly 70 year old theoretical physicist.

this Five spent 45 years in the aftermath of viktor's moon apocalypse, 28 days straight between the moon and nuclear war apocalypse, days to weeks in the kugelblitz apocalypse and then days in oblivion. 6 years to rest and then it's time for another apocalypse caused by alien elements that reshape reality. this five personally saved and ended the world at least 5 times, going the farthest out of all of the Fives in number of apocalypses and by attempting to create the Commission. [2] this five says over and over and over throughout s3 that it's not about you/us, it's about the world. five is not just tired, he's tried harder and for longer than anyone else. he tried for so long that he forgot his own name. he has lost delores, he lost his sense of a clear enemy, he lost his understanding of the universe and his place in it, and he is old now.

when he is told by his future self not to save the world and he decided not to go into oblivion, that was a turning point in his entire character directly caused by a world-changing crisis of faith. the reason all of the other fives in the subway station gave up solving the problem is because every last one of them loved their family too much to consider the idea that the world has to come at the cost of the family. but this five had been through a full lifetime of apocalypse. he survived for 45 years in an apocalypse and turned saving the world and his family into his sole purpose. he lost that purpose when his future self told him it was all for nothing. that it can't be saved.

and this is where i think that people forget that the hargreeves are not just about childhood trauma; they are also about wealth and power. reginald and the hargreeves are immensely wealthy and immensely physically powerful. think about what else he said in season 3: "this is what it means to be powerful. sometimes you step on ants. we will never be able to save enough lives to make up for those we take."

what we see in s4 is an old man that has been forced to ask for the first time if such power has as much of a right to exist as the ants do. and to his surprise as much as everyone else's, it turns out that the answer is no. they were made from the hubris and selfishness of an abusive egomaniac who released a dangerous, technologically advanced, and highly reactive alien element upon a captive population in an attempt to resurrect his wife from the dead. five and his siblings are that abusive egomaniac's tools. they carry a power manufactured by an abusive egomaniac, and while it was unfairly forced upon them, it is still by nature a power that comes at the expense of others and they find themselves unable to be separated from it.

because that power is too alluring, too much a temptation. ben literally drugs everyone against their will, and to five, an old man asking himself questions about power, the fact that all members of the family voted against it is not proof that they can create a better future absent of this power. the fact that they were drugged anyway despite their protests is proof that they can't, that they will always fall into this power's destructive gravity well.

and an old man that has just had his entire concept of the world and life's purpose ripped away from him is the guy that accepts the end.

[1] the issue with five and lila's romance in character is not five's youth. it's lila's youth. he's almost 70 fucking years old, and his accidental and unwanted sip from the fountain of youth did not and does not change the fact that this is a nearly 70 year old man. he treated lila as if she was childish and immature because that is literally how he sees her and the rest of the siblings. because he is almost 70 years old. he gets annoyed with her for dragging him into stupid risks because he's 70 fucking years old and actually does know better. he is nearly 40 years her senior. their dynamic is funny because he looks 14. not because he IS 14. LOOKS young, not IS young.

regarding "why were they having him flirt when he was underage" for the same reason he's a boozehound and knocks back any alchohol in a 30 foot radius. the character has been over 60+ years old the entire time. & as people age, they can safely participate in more activities. a 14 year old cannot safely roleplay everything a 60+ year old character would do. before age 18, the actor could safely speak flirty lines to other actors during their roleplay job playing a 60+ year old. when the actor turned 18, the actor could safely kiss other adult actors during their job roleplaying as a 60+ year old. the child actor portraying a significantly older character getting hints of romance but not kissing anyone on a set until they're 20 is a sign that things were handled ethically. not the other way around. actors age and stop being 14 years old and limited to the safety constraints of a 14 year old. an adult kissed another adult during their job roleplaying as other people. it was just a bad plotline.

[2] I don't care about timeline hijinks in context of whether that was really physically the exact same 5 from the same timeline that started the commission. he thought it was the physical same him & reacted to it like it was & the impact does not change and in fact might become more acute upon realizing that it wasn't physically him, that it was a whole other five, that there are potentially hundreds of years of attempts to stop the apocalypses, and that the collective mass of their apocalypse ending efforts across all timelines should have accomplished something and never ever did it do so. that's hopeless

[suzannahnatters]

And here are my reactions to Love Like the Galaxy: episodes 13-27, in which a cdrama does some absolutely terrific things I've never seen before which make me incredibly happy. This is also beneath the cut because I got very excited!

Tremendously diverted by how little this whole entire arrow through the chest is bothering our hero, one would think he'd broken a nail

Ling Buyi: I will tear apart this whole empire and everyone in my way to find out who is smuggling imperial weapons to rebels

also Ling Buyi: I am determined that only the very deepest love will ever induce me to marry

NN scolds a whole hospital full of sacking victims into drinking their medicine because how dare they lie around in pain and trauma when their loved ones died to keep them alive and it's another writing decision I'm not very fond of

the emperor is a gossipy old woman, he's discovered the secret of Murder General's heart in two minutes of screen time, I fondly look forward to episodes' worth of behind-the-scenes matchmaking

ahaha we have entered the "Niao Niao finally gets a boyfriend, and Murder General stares at the two of them sadly from a distance" section

he's just bowing himself out so silently, without ever saying a word - because he only wants to marry for love, so if NN doesn't want him, he doesn't want her

Marry the sweet boy, Niao Niao. He's not very bright, but the only baggage he's got is from the cake shop.

oh my, Niao Niao's boyfriend is sending her terrible mother snacks in an attempt to soften her heart, what a darling

I'm dead, not only does Murder General literally have a Niao Niao Memorabilia Hoard but he leaves it in his carriage for her to see while she's being given a lift in the rain askajdalfah

Niao Niao has dinner with with her three suitors and her aunt's ex and it's every bit as wildly uncomfortable as it sounds

also the Smug Scholar is here just to cause drama and wooow these are some epic sour grapes

It's a bit jarring how cavalierly everybody at this dinner dismisses the orphan girl in the backstory. The best thing I can say is that she fails to recognise one of the emerging themes of the show, that a woman shouldn't let love consume her entire life.

Murder General's family is straight out of Shakespeare - heartrendingly mad mother, moustache-twirlingly-evil estranged father.

meanwhile, over the Jane Austen side of the plot, Niao Niao's parents break the news to her that Murder General must be hopelessly in love with her. is this the worst way to find out or what

This whole mother-daughter relationship is so real it's triggering memories of a bad family situation I was familiar with around 5-10 years ago. Just…NN's mother not trusting her an inch, wanting to micromanage her life, despite all the ways that NN has bloomed away from her. Too painfully real.

Part of the reason this story feels SO Jane Austen is the way it focuses on the small domestic dramas of families, women, and marriage, with a keen eye to humour and satire. There's Murder General's political subplot too, but it's kept compartmentalised away from the main plot.

I…I think Murder General might be a darling, actually? when he's not mowing down the emperor's enemies in an overly dramatic manner or quietly and visibly pining, he is salving his broken heart by trying to make sure NN has everything she wants in life

and this is another place where this show neatly sidesteps a common pitfall - instead of HIM decided what's good for NN and then making sure she gets it despite her own wishes, he's allowing HER to decide and then silently providing her with everything she needs to make it a success.

I'm honestly astounded that this show is managing to make the typical strong, silent, commanding male lead…actually make sense as the endgame love interest, even in the presence of someone as charming and well adjusted (and devoted to snacks!) as Luo Yao. I honestly hadn't shipped them until this stretch of the show but now I'm beginning to.

He even credits her with "suppressing the mountain bandits" when he was the one who swooped in and saved her just as she was about to lose her siege T_T I'm sorry I have something in my eye

what WHAT WHATTTTT

having been informed of General Ling's feelings by her parents, is her maid now proposing to her on his behalf???????? wild

oh………he just wanted to know her hopes and dreams

Luo Yao has learned from Niao Niao how to fight for what he wants and it makes me so happy that this show is committing to these themes because the last big cdrama I watched was all about punishing the free-spirited heroine for wanting a life of her own

I feel hopelessly confused about all this arms smuggling subplot and backstory tbh

"don't be afraid, I'm here" asjkg love a good callback

also: good for you, He Zhaojun. good for you

It was also very satisfying seeing Bad Mum and our girl getting to fight together for once, but it's clearly only a temporary case of interests aligning and not a genuine change of heart for the former. I continue to enjoy the nuanced writing here.

Smug Scholar cracks me up. every interaction he has with our girl is like: NN: you make me feel sick SS preening yes I have that effect on a lot of women

Murder General telling NN that he's convinced that whatever decision she makes will be the right one!!!! and then for the first time she breaks down saying she's tired of always being the unlucky one - she's been fighting not to show any vulnerability and she's finally showing herself - to HIM eee

again: I'm ASTONISHED the show is making me believe he's the best choice for her given the presence of darling little snack boy but it is. She hasn't shown any vulnerability to Snacks. As for Murder General, he's been bleeding vulnerability everywhere silently for 21 eps.

"Everyone talks to me about righteousness and being fully considerate. But who will be fully considerate to me?" Snacks is a sweetie and he's doing really well, but the show is doing a terrific job of showing that for all his baggage, Murder General understands & supports her far more deeply.

I was wondering how the engagement with Snacks was going to end, & I have a lot of thoughts. On one hand, I really hate that after all the stuff about the importance of being able to fight for yourself, NN convinces LY to give her up & marry a girl who's already mistreated him, for the greater good

Snacks is absolutely correct here - none of the people telling him to marry He Zhaozhang can live the rest of his life for him. While NN always does prioritise the state above family, I hate that she is now putting it above somebody else's future happiness, AFTER teaching him to fight for himself.

It feels a bit hypocritical of NN, tbh, and like it muddles the themes of the show a bit. Also, it would be one thing if Snacks marrying HZ was to avert a future catastrophe, but the He family is already heroically dead and Snacks is being asked to self-immolate on their pyre. So unfair.

That said, I'm still appreciative of a lot about this. While I don't like that Snacks is deprived of agency here, you don't often see a drama heroine making this decision, & it's done without any of the "break his heart to save him" nonsense you'd usually see at this point.

We are also shown that although Snacks is giving in to marry HZ, he still has the lessons he's learned from NN about fighting for himself & plans to use them to make his life more bearable. And NN, though kinder & more respectful than HZ, never did truly love him.

I had my money on NN being the one to bow out all along, but I wish the show wasn't trying to make a virtue out of her self-righteous statism. I would love to see NN in the future realising that being able to let LY go like this, was a sign that she didn't truly love him. I hope!

In any case, I'm glad the show leaves us with real hope that Snacks is going to be a better, happier man for having known our girl.

"no need to worry about Miss Cheng's marriage. I'll be responsible for that" the SOUND I made

A LITTLE BOYFRIEND FOR YANG YANG, YESSSS

someone needed to come along and rescue our girl from Murder General's rescue just there, 1 out of 5 stars would not ask for a rescue again

does the man have fingertips made out of Velcro

the emperor is dying to matchmake Niao Niao and Murder General and tbh I feel his frustration, we have entered the "it's been eighty-five years" section of Waiting For The Cdrama Leads To Kiss (Or At Least Confess)

ahahahahahahahahahaha Murder General just blithely announces to all the princes that on account of the cancellation of NN's previous engagement he is going to marry her now and she goes into a coughing fit, hilarious

thing is, I don't think he actually means to be domineering here, I think he reckons the entire city in general and Niao Niao in particular must know about his intentions towards her, so why beat around the bush??? it's not like it's a secret or anything?

!!!! we have a proposal?!?!?!

and her mum is like NO NO NO oh die in a fire, woman

oh wow. oh wow. it's a trainwreck. oh my goodness.

"I had no idea I was so wonderful in your eyes" screaming crying throwing up

the fact that nearly their entire courtship has had to play out in public, carried by family members and households, until finally this proposal scene happens in the royal hall itself during a banquet, is just one more of the absolutely wonderful ways this is SO Austen-esque

I'm dying for these two to have a proper conversation in private but instead they've got to checks notes attend her ex-fiance's wedding together OOOOOOHH

This scene between He Zhaojun and NN is so good. I didn't expect such growth and change for this character based on her introduction. And she's absolutely right - a marriage to someone kind and gentle is far better than to someone elegant, but cruel

The writers making this point feels pretty unusual given a very usual sort of cdrama hero. But if course murder general is, as NN points out, cruel only to his enemies. Or is she in for some surprises? WE SHALL SEE

He certainly has no chill when it comes to using his more powerful position to protect her socially lollll

He's been protecting her so often it's beginning to deprive her of agency and I'm really hoping the story doesn't overlook this in the second half.

OH YES "he's standing up for you! Are you not happy" no, no she is not I AM BLESSED

I can't believe it they're finally having a chance to talk in private and it's ALL ABOUT THIS STUFF

NN just calling him out for his thoughtless use of power

Yessssss we've moved past the point where she can fight catty girls, she's fighting him now, AHHHHHHHH. so good

"let's eat together. No need to feel awkward. I am easy to get along with" amazing "hello fellow kids" energy

OH NO HE'S TRYING TO TELL A JOKE ABORT ABORT

Murder General, who has got straight As on everything in his life to date, getting an F in Intimate Family Dinners and thinking he's done splendidly is really…amazing

I see now how NN's conflict with her mother was setting up her conflict with Murder General - both want to run their families with dictatorial military discipline, and NN, who has had more than enough of it coming from her mother, definitely doesn't want it from a husband. NN I'm barracking for you

SCREAMING

Murder General has now taken over Niao Niao's household to train them so that his beloved will be strong and ready for anything. How bad is it? it's so bad that even Perfect Cousin Yang Yang no longer wants to be an obedient female anymore

the soundtrack for this drama seriously cracks me up sometimes. Most of the time it's lush, romantic classical strings and flutes. Then, BANG - 80's guitar + synths, or…jazz clarinet????

"I'm not used to discussing everything with someone yet" aw he does want to learn better!

"You represent only oppression in my life…I don't need you to take care of me and my family so much" I cannot beLIEVE this show is letting someone say this out loud. Amazing

Cannot believe she just sent him away like that. And of course he went because he only wants someone who loves him. And I think that's the one character detail that makes this man capable of change - he doesn't know how to relate to people outside hierarchy, but he WANTS it

I really, really like that the show doesn't try to gaslight NN that she's making a fuss out of nothing - her parents encourage her to compromise the life she truly wants, but even they aren't bad enough to tell her that this IS the life she wants.

And I also love that BOTH of them are shown reflecting on where they might be going wrong and why they might be better off yielding to the other person - not just NN.

It's delightfully reminiscent of Lizzie and Darcy getting a reality check in tandem after his first proposal. SO AUSTEN.

With episode 27 I've officially finished "season 1" of Love Like the Galaxy and am right around halfway through - and this show is fulfilling my wildest dreams of cdramas justifying tropes, letting the heroine have agency, and overtly calling out the hero's unthinking use of power to control, protect, and smother the heroine. All in a sparkling Jane-Austen-flavoured comedy of manners about a little gremlin girl whose greatest strength is fighting for herself when nobody else will, and a strong, silent murder general who has resolved only to marry for ~~ LOVE ~~

It's so good, if the second half continues to be this good it'll be a solid 10 for me. MORE TO COME.

[greenerteacups]

If there was one major plot element that you could change in the original canon what would it be?

The Marauders' deaths. With the exception of James, I don't think any of the Marauders die in a way that's narratively suitable — or, to be more particular, they die in a way suitable for a narrative I don't like very much. James is an acceptable (though, obviously, tragic) death to me because it completes his arc: he's an obnoxious, arrogant bully who grows into a selfless soldier on the side of the light, and lays down his life as a final gesture of abnegation. It's not Proust, but it's good, right? His death represents a symbolic triumph over Voldemort because it's something Voldemort would never do.

None of the others make the same kind of sense for their subplots. Sirius dies at the Ministry because Harry fucks up and lets his abandonment issues override his judgment, and while that's a compelling moment for Harry — whose hamartia is a trauma-forged combination of hot-headedness and desperate fear of losing people — it's not for Sirius. Sirius's problem in Book 5 is that he's emotionally stunted by his years of imprisonment and refuses to grow up, because he's clinging to the life he thinks — rightly — he should have gotten to have. This is made painfully clear in the Department of Mysteries, wherein some of his last words to Harry are "Nice one, James!" He refuses to treat Harry like the child he is, and he keeps acting like he's this fun-uncle type, blowing off rules and pissing off Mom (Molly), because that's the dynamic he should have had with Harry if Lily and James had lived. Sirius doesn't want to be Harry's guardian and role model. He wants a brother and a nephew, and he's trying to force Harry to be both, because he's all he has left of that family. His death doesn't tie any of those threads; they're left dangling. That's a valid narrative move — every death cuts a story short, and you can't give everybody an arc — but I loved Sirius. Giving Harry the "grieving loss of a parent" arc that was originally meant for Ron (Arthur was the original Big Death of the OOTP, in JKR's drafts) also means that Ron spends a lot of Book 6 without anything to do, whereas Harry goes through what's essentially a more intense version of the grieving-and-recovery arc he did after Cedric's death.

Remus, on the other hand, is just — first off, a Mess, I agree with so few of the choices made with Remus in the later books, but let's say he's deep in the trauma, the grieving, and whatever living among werewolves as a spy does for your mental health. So he gets into this will-they-won't-they with Tonks, gets married, tries to abandon pregnant wife, then goes back and gets to be with his wife and son for about half a year before dying, with said wife, in battle. Okay. So like:

I think the Remus Weirdness in Book 7 is actually an attempt to close a plot hole, which is that the Horcrux Hunt happens completely without adult supervision, despite the fact that there are lots of adults the Golden Trio could and should ask for help. Harry's insistence that he doesn't want to risk anyone's life except for Ron and Hermione's is, while understandable as a character move, utterly ridiculous, because the other Order members are risking their lives anyway. One of the biggest holes is Remus and Tonks, who are (a) both already targets for Voldemort because of who they are, and so have nothing to lose, but also (b) both care for Harry on a personal level, and would never accept his reasons for pushing them away. So Teddy Lupin is conceived in order to bench Tonks, who's safely out of commission while pregnant. But that leaves Remus, who probably in fact would have super complicated torn-loyalty feelings about the situation, and who is scarred and traumatized and probably has enough abandonment issues to try and walk out, but — in my view — never resolves any of those things. He doesn't suddenly realize that he loves Tonks and wants to be with her, or feel a sense of duty to his son; when Harry's justly furious at Remus abandoning his kid in Harry's name, Remus gets pissy about it and goes "well, if you don't want my help, fine," and leaves. Which is, again, fine, a character flaw, it's childish, he's allowed to be, and he is, in fact, similar to Sirius and James — but it left a bad taste in my mouth, because that's one of the last conversations we get with Remus, and it's such an impoverished vision of his bonds with others. It doesn't delve deeply into why he loves Tonks or Harry, or the substance of his conflict between them; like always with the Marauders, he just invokes James, and Harry throws James's name right back at him, and it ends there.

And then he dies, so that baby Teddy Lupin can be an orphan, and we can do a parallel to baby Harry Potter. Even though we don't see Teddy Lupin on the page ever, so we have no idea what that comparison means, or how their experiences compliment or contrast one another, or literally anything more substantive than the series beginning and ending on the same event. Which: great. Okay. To quote a Roger Ebert review that I think about, on average, once every thirty-six hours:

"J.K. Rowling has learned from better novels that authors sometimes create narrative parallels, but she has not learned why."

[adamnablelittledevil]

hellooo I just saw your post about you agreeing more with vampire chronicles book opinions before you read them vs now, and because I’m messy: what kind of opinions/takes do you mean? care to spill the tea (if you feel like it)?👀👀😂

Hey. 😅 So keep in mind that I have read 8/13 TVC books + Pandora and am currently on Blackwood Farm. Opinions might change later on. This also will contain some spoilers...

So, there are many takes that I disagree with or even agree, but still believe things are way more layered so reducing it to a one-line sentence feels almost dishonest. But here are some:

P.S. I'm not trying to be mean, but whoever disagrees, please just ignore or block me if you want. I don't want this to become a discussion or debate. My only intention here is to answer a mutual, that's all.

I don't think Armand is this stereotyped one-dimensional classical villain. Sure, he's done awful things, but it's important to know the context. He was kidnapped, taken from his family, raped, traumatized to the point he had amnesia and prayed for God to let him die, had a weird grooming relationship with Marius, was attacked, kidnapped by the Roman Coven, saw many of his friends from Marius's palazzo (some were only 7) be killed in front of him, had their ashes thrown at him, was tortured, starved, then they threw his best friend for him to eat and at that point he was so dehumanized that he had dissociated and couldn't fully process what was going and who that was, was fully brainwashed... No wonder Armand was such a dark character, he's been brutalized and brainwashed from such an early age, then turned at 17 as an attempt to save his life (because someone got rejected and tried to murder him), is stuck in puberty which is already a hard time for people who live in privilege and comfort, now imagine how that is for someone that has been traumatized left and right for centuries, even when he was still human? And he's also highly autistic and BPD-coded, so to have all of that exacerbated once you become a vampire, it is no surprise he became a monster at some point (and I haven't even listed everything because this is already long enough). Still, I think he is Anne's most complex character so far and the one with most reasons to explain his actions. And yet he also has the best development, the journey he goes through on TVA is amazing. I've never seen a character grow that much.

Lestat doesn't "fall in love with everybody". Look, I get it's annoying to have Anne making him make out or have sex with basically everyone he meets, but that's just another proof of how he's terrified of being alone. He was abused by his family, even Gabrielle that was the best out of them, neglected him. Loneliness has always been his biggest fear even as a human. And he also isn't the best at separating romantic, platonic and familial love. That's why I believe he has so many "lovers". I get it's exhausting to have that happening on so many books, we could've had three cases and that would've been clear enough... But even with this satured trope, to say he "falls in love with everyone" feels reductive. It's way bigger than that.

That's also how I mostly feel about him and Gabrielle, I don't see it as something romantic or even that sexy, for me it was mostly his need to have someone. At that time, he was completely alone and then he turned Gabrielle and that was the only company he had. Same goes to her. And the whole time there were moments they referred to each other as mother and son... They basically tried to be each other's lover, parent/child, friend, ally etc and it obviously didn't work because you can't have one person playing all the roles in your life.

This isn't exactly something I disagree with, but I think it might be possible that Lestat behaves as a rape victim trying to recreate his trauma sometimes and that maybe another reason for him to 'offer' his body so much in insecurity. Because he was kept illiterate for so long, I'm not sure he considers his personality compelling enough to attract people.

That said, I don't see Nicki and Louis as the only people he had/has romantic feelings for either.

I don't find Gabrielle to be such a bad mother, or at least I don't consider it a bad thing, because it seems like she never wanted to be one to begin with. She did what she could with the reality she was forced into.

And Lestat also had his needs as a child because he didn't ask to be born... I see them both as victims of frustrating circumstances.

Marius is only happy when people agree with him, whenever someone shows a sign of personality he gets irritated, so I don't see this great, noble person he is supposed to be at all. And I'm yet to see him do something truly relevant. Maharet and Mekare are way more relevant, for example. So far he's unnecessary to me.

I don't think Armand is using the Spell Gift as much as people do. I don't even believe he's trying to seduce people without his powers. He is just that handsome and characters are obsessed with him. On TVA, his spirit leaves his body for a moment and he is literally surprised that he is actually as pretty as people say because he genuinely never understood their reactions to him? That's not a seductive person lmao, c'mon. He is just existing most of the time and people drool over Armand even when he's not around and just in their thoughts. The closest he does is masking his autism.

Lestat is the protagonist, yes, but mostly because he is the recurring narrator while others only appear once. On TVL, Part V and Part VII of the book are more about Armand and Marius (respectively) than Lestat, TQOTD had a bunch of characters for us to consider Lestat (the only) lead and for me Akasha and the twins played way bigger roles than him, Memnoch is mostly the devil having a monologue and Lestat just listening, on TVA, Merrick and Blood and Gold he doesn't have a POV and barely/doesn't appear at all, as far as I've been he doesn't have a POV on IWTV and Blackwood Farm either... Before reading the books I expected everything was mostly about him, but it's way more balanced than I'd anticipated.

Lestat wanting Gabrielle to present herself more feminine is more about still wanting her to look like his mother and gender envy than bigotry. But I don't have a problem with other gender nonconforming people seeing it that way either, because we're not a monolith. If some took it that way, it's completely valid and people need to respect that.

However, that's a shit situation for both sides and I wish Anne had fixed it. So far she hasn't and from what I've heard nothing changes in future books either.

The Devil's Minion chapter was really cool and that's not exactly disagreement, but I had the impression that would've stuck and it... didn't. I knew they break up at some point, but Armand barely talking about Daniel on TVA and the few times he did making the whole thing feel so doomed surprised me? Someone told me their endgame was more ambiguous than something crystal clear and now I'm confused?

I don't consider Dora an actual love interest for Lestat. I wouldn't even classify Gretchen as that and he actually slept with her.

David was awful on Merrick, yes, but on TTOBT he was basically the only one Lestat could count on?

Louis was a dick on that book. But so was Lestat so idk.

I don't get the whole "Lestat would never hurt Louis" thing because Lestat did attack other people he loves and burned Louis's house once? He raped a woman? He turned a close friend into a vampire against his will? I've read more than half of TVC and find it possible that he could explode and take it out on Louis tbh.

Nothing sexy about Akasha and Lestat, really. But she was cool for the role she played on the book.

Again, not exactly disagreement, but there are way other cool characters, relationships of all kinds and even interesting topics regarding Louis, Lestat, Armand and Daniel than just loustat and armandiel. It would be nice to see more posts about them too sometimes.

I don't see these books as a love story at all.

I don't even consider Anne Rice to be good at writing romantic moments, actually. When there's indeed good stuff, it feels more of a happy accident than anything.

The iconic backstage kiss was so random? That thing is way overrated. Loustat peaked at that quote of having eternity to nurture their love on TVL.

Anne is throwing some polyamorous subtext for (at least) two books now.

I find it funny when people are okay with a lot of problematic stuff and are like "they're all monsters, get over it!", but draw the line on polyamory, really?

I had to divide these in two because of character limit. :p

I actually find it way more realistic and interesting to have vampires who are above gender, sexuality, laws, religion, every social norm, including monogamy.

I also consider it totally possible for people who live forever to actually fall in love with more than individual as you get to know and understand them better, as well as going through key moments of their lives together? I believe that at some point the things would get too blurry and fluid.

I also don't think exclusivity = superiority, so.

And so far Anne doesn't seem to prioritize anything. When characters list their loved ones, the order of the names change. They refer to people they were/are romantically involved as lover, companion, friend. She plays with the idea of a love that can't be classified and transcends definition sometimes. I never got the impression that it was always character A and B, be that any pairing. And every time she tried to do something more traditional it wasn't as compelling tbh. That's why I believe that her best stuff in that area are happy accidents, when she's just following the vibes rather than trying to check a box. And the best comes from lines than actual kisses.

Drinking each other's blood isn't always something 'sexual'? They do it to heal, gain power, even as a greeting sometimes? It really depends on the situation.

Even with everything, there are stuff that Armand did out of his own choice, not because "Marius taught him", but based on his own values. When he was human or a fresh vampire, he was way more rebellious and he eventually got more submissive because of his traumas or as a way to survive.

Morals do matter in this world. Anne's vampires do forgive easier than on the show, sometimes way too easy, but some do hold grudges. The only difference is that their idea of morals is not the same of humans. They're vampires, so it involves the particularities of their supernatural existence.

Some stuff are crystal clear and Anne confirms it with every single word, but many things are open to interpretation. Sometimes people's own opinions get passed around as the ultimate truth, when they're guess is as good as everybody else's. And that's the same for this post, really. Nobody's opinion is superior and that includes my own. They're different, but equally valid and I believe the fandom would benefit from adopting this approach instead of immediately dismissing an opposite take.

Nobody needs to read those books because God knows they can be problematic (and no, you don't need stuff like plantation owners on book about vampires), but if you want to know the lore, you should read the books. Reading wikia pages and asking mutuals don't give you the full picture. Take me as an example, now that I'm reading them myself, my thoughts diverge a lot of the times. Sometimes, even posting photos of pages plural doesn't provide you enough context. You need to see it for yourself. You can still stick to the show, since it exists as its own thing. But if want to know the lore, you need to get all the information and form your very own conclusions.

/lh/nm

[applestorms]

hello, i'm insane. here's a dialectical/existentialist reading of end of evangelion, based in part out of the philosophy of sartre:

evangelion presents us with two options: the first, the self as an eternally lonely, hateful thing, resentful of others while simultaneously dependent upon them for recognition and respect. it's the classic sartrean "Hell is other people," position-- the version of yourself that you personally see inherently conflicts with the version of you seen through the eyes of other people, the experience of the self being that of an individual trapped in a panopticon of mirrors where everybody else sees you slightly wrong.

the other option is the complete destruction of the self. this is the orange juice people soup shit-- in order to truly connect, to be one with the object of your affection and free them from the prison of your own eye, the only other option is the complete destruction of all barriers that might define the individual. without any of the unique qualities that might be misinterpreted, without the existence of any other who might do the misinterpreting, we are thus freed from the Horrors and can truly connect and be one with the people we desire.

thesis and antithesis, two inherently opposing views. on one side, the destruction of the self is required-- on the other, we are haunted by the inevitability of our own failure and inherent inability to achieve the one thing we truly want.

the tragedy of evangelion under this reading is thus the fact that it is a dialectic left unsolved. the two sides, to be Human or to be Known, are ultimately left as an untouched system. there is no resolution.

when shinji denies the collective singularity, he is immediately cast back into the previous tension between defined others. it's a cyclical revolution, separation to connection to reinstated distinction, melding consciousnesses together before ripping it back apart. the minute shinji and asuka return to their original bodies they are in conflict, physically and emotionally, in body and in words.

in a way, you can read the EVAs themselves as an attempt at finding synthesis between these two parts-- breaking the barrier between selves while maintaining the individual, by melding together with the literal and symbolic mother. it's a desire to return to the womb, to a time before distinctions, when the self was still being formed. the embryo in the egg of the world before the crack, before the fight, etc. life pre-trauma, an existence pre-life.

yet... that being said, i find it difficult to see this ending as something entirely negative. there's a kind of catharsis in this violence after the forced melding of the whole, agency built into the fact that this is a decision shinji finally makes for himself-- acceptance of the selfishness, of the strife. (see this post for more about evangelion & agency.) shinji finally makes a true connection with the two beings he was most drawn to at that point in his life, and it's only in the safety of such a setting that he chooses to return to how it all was before. garcin, seeing the open door and still choosing to close it? maybe, maybe not. bittersweet either way.

[honey-minded-hivemind]

I had…the weirdest thought/idea while reading through your mermay stuff. This can be h2o no au or just general mer shenanigans but…what if reader was allergic to shellfish/fish in general before becoming a mer/siren? Like- for h2o it just adds to the “ocean and fish bad” mindset and trauma reader has. But also when they become a mer that would bring up so many questions. (Do you think they’d become immune or just stay allergic bc the human part of them is still technically the same???)

When they become a mer they just suddenly have this urge to consume something that quite literally will kill them. When they eventually wind up with the yans and the caretakers try to feed them reader once again just sees it as an attempt on their life and not some caring gesture. The adults are so concerned and confused that their guppy won’t eat anything, but it doesn’t seem like a hunger strike they literally freak out when food is put toward their mouth. Maybe reader finally explains it and the adults are just CONFUSED.

“Reader please eat your food.”

“I can’t I’ll literally die.”

“…..what?”

If reader is still deathly allergic they become the mer equivalent of a vegetarian or idk marine animals are weird, if fate is kind reader is partially a type of sea creature that just filter feeds or something (ex: whale shark, or manta ray)

(Idk all of this is coming from the mind of someone who cannot eat fish, had a very violent reaction to it, and has been scared of it happening again ever since)

I’m curious what you think, does the moon pool just heal the immune response? Is reader only allergic while in a human form but fine to eat fish as a mer? Or is reader plunged into an even worse situation bc when the yans find out about the allergy they become 100x more protective, treating reader as the most fragile guppy on the planet that needs even more of their attention and care? Like- allergies aren’t a thing for mer so they don’t really understand it so they’re just like: “No Reader! If that fish gets near you you’ll die!” Imagine someone like Sabertooth being like that one uncle that’s like “you’re just faking it” or “that’s not a thing!”, playfully force feeds reader a crab or something and suddenly reader’s gills swell and they can’t breathe. That makes x2 murder attempts on reader by Sabertooth. And then from that point on everybody in the pod is traumatized by the experience, reader is even further from being assimilated, and the yan adults are so much more worried about their reluctant guppy.

Weird funny concept. This became so long, I am so sorry.

Been binge reading your work and I think it’s awesome! You’re a really creative writer, and I love everything I’ve read from you!

Idk how your anon system works

Call me rhino anon 🦏 if that’s available?

Oh wow! Okay, I have a family member who is also allergic to shellfish (I'm not sure about fish, but they're allergic to shellfish), and I hope you are okay after that experience, 🦏 Anon.

I can see it working as Reader is either immune as a mer but can't eat shellfish as a human, or as them being unable to eat, well, any seafood at all.

They're basically stuck eating seaweed, kelp, and/or filter feeding, and Reader isn't happy, and neither are the platonic yans, especially the adults. Their kid/sibling isn't eating, they're worried Reader will starve, and they want to help but are confused by being allergic to what is a sirens main diet.

If Sabretooth did force Reader to eat shellfish or fish, he'd be lucky, and so would Reader, if they didn't die or have a severe allergic reaction. Reader does however fear him even more after it, regardless of if they almost died or if they actually stomached fish for the first time in their life.

I think if Reader had to have a meat to eat, it would have to be sea birds or sea mammals. So, seagulls, albatross, terns, for birds... or seals, dolphins, or orcas for mammals... It's still a hassle, but it's worth it if Reader doesn't end up with anemia or sick from only being able to eat seaweed and kelp and seagrass...

The adult platonic yans at this point are having to fist fight or tail fight who is and isn't allowed near Reader as one of their main caretakers, because they need someone they will listen to yet have a chance of liking. Reader is scared of all of them, but some more than others, so it's best to pick the ones who haven't traumatized them, and go with the ones who at least they won't faint from seeing...

(Welcome to the platonic yandere X-Men club!)

[moonspirit]

What if there was an Assassination attempt on the Ambassadors, specifically Aruani?

Make it angsty please

Ouch, anon T^T You want the angst~

Well, I think such a thing is likely at least once in their lives as Ambassadors. It's good to be seen by most of the world as Heroes and all that, but for sure there's going to be those few (other than the Jaegerists) who resonated more with Eren's goal who'd now be angry that the Rumbling was stopped.

That means there's people who'd want to see the Ambassadors dead, especially Armin who's literally the man who killed Eren.

Their public appearances are very high-security affairs. The Ambassadors, Armin in particular, are never without bodyguards. It's closed-door meetings and cordoned-off spaces for them. Anybody who wants to get close to Armin goes through a body check. He doesn't like any of this but there's nothing he can do to prevent it - his selfless tendencies have no say in this matter.

So when some person with a gun or a knife manages to breach this protection, it's quite literally a near-death experience for not only Armin, but all of them collectively.

There will be feelings of guilt, rage, anger, violence, fear and the outcome of it all rolled into one big mess: a trauma to last for god knows how long. If it's Annie that's hurt, Armin would never want her to be a figurehead in the public-eye ever again. Whatever her feelings about it, he may be stubborn that she avoid her diplomatic life from now on. He'd blame himself for being weak and unable to protect her despite being a powerful man in theory. Can you blame him for being frazzled though? If anything happens to her, it's not like she'll come back to life with a secret power anymore.

If it's Armin who sustains a knife or gunshot wound, things are so much more complicated. Everybody blames themselves. Everyone. It would be his second visit to death to be honest. The others weren't fast enough, quick enough, careful enough, sharp enough. Annie... she wasn't good enough to prevent it from happening. She'd watch him get hurt and go numb with shock because after enduring so much, she'd finally begun to get used to a world where Armin would always be there. Always. And now... she's teetering on the edge of a universe where he'd be past tense.

And Armin himself? How do you pick yourself up from death again? It's not like he can abandon his duties. He still HAS to be a diplomat, it's what Eren entrusted him with. What everyone who died entrusted him with! He can't just run away because he was shot once.

Still... he is scared. Scared of the next time a bullet pierces his heart and he has to go alone to hell without anybody else by his side. Without Annie.

[cactusspatz]

February recs

Trying something new this month! I've got five top recs below (most of which are quite long, sorry not sorry), but in an attempt to keep my Pinboard more contemporary I've put all of my January bookmarks up at this tag if you're looking for more to read.

Below are recs for: 9-1-1, The Untamed, Game of Thrones, and The Hobbit. And at Pinboard are more recs for 9-1-1, The Untamed, & The Hobbit, plus Batman, Goblin Emperor, KJ Charles, and Star Wars!

Hot Ghost Problems by ebjameston (9-1-1, Buck/Eddie)

The ghost would prefer to go by Buck, if Eddie wouldn’t mind. Eddie is the newest firefighter at the 118. Buck is the ghost haunting the 118. Unfortunately for both of them, Eddie's also a witch and needs to put Buck's spirit to rest, because that's what witches do. Turns out, Buck's spirit? Super not interested in being put to rest. Very interested, however, in flirting with Firefighter Diaz, who is just trying to survive his candidate year. (Also turns out, Buck? Super not dead.)

I adore this trope, but this one's got great worldbuilding around the magic, and the author is skilled at combining drama and humor. So you've got the emotions and pining but also Eddie's sisters roasting him via group chat, and so on.

Batting a Buck & Change by Daisies_and_Briars (9-1-1, Buck/Eddie)

“Do you remember that shift where Buck was off and Hen was on mandatory relaxation, and they both got drunk in Hen’s kitchen in the middle of the afternoon while we had to resuscitate a canine?” Eddie nods vigorously. “Oh, Hoover. I remember Hoover.” “Why have we never been drunk during a dog resuscitation, Eddie? Have you thought about that?” “Well now I am.” “We should call them and let them know that we can have fun on Dads’ Night Out.” Nothing could go wrong. OR: Eddie and Chim embark on a “Dad’s night out” to watch baseball at a sports bar, and after a few too many, Eddie accidentally lets his feelings for Buck slip.

I am weak for shenanigans and Chimney's keeping-secrets fail - one of his panicked attempts to escape a conversation in this is HYSTERICAL, you'll know the one - and this fic has a top-tier assortment of both, plus a lovely Eddie-Chim friendship/baseball buddies/mutual dad admiration society.

The Pack Survives by astolat (GoT, Robb/everybody)

There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love, the only survival. —Thornton Wilder

Sprawling AU where the South makes peace and Robb lives - but ends up having to deal with internal rebellion, polyamory negotiation, dragons, and of course, a terrifying army of the dead. Features Robb growing up and making fewer and better mistakes in addition to his usual tactical genius, plus a fantastically sharp Sansa.

Thicker Than Water by athena_crikey (The Untamed, Wangxian)

The Lans were one of the founding families of the Vancouver Guild; part of their legacy is to maintain their place in it for the benefit of all. Cultivation is important, essential, serious. In the distance, something squeaks. A disaster, is Lan Zhan’s first impression as the bike squeals to a halt on the far side of Song Lan’s car. The man riding it – and he’s tall, and lanky, and sure-footed – hops off and locks it to the car’s back door. The back door of a police vehicle. He pulls his helmet off to reveal long, sweat-soaked hair with a shaggy undercut, bright grey eyes, and a smile that launches like an arrow straight through Lan Zhan’s chest. No, he thinks, watching this trainwreck of a man shimmy between the narrow space dividing Song Lan’s back bumper and the next car’s hood like he’s doing some kind of dance step. Absolutely not.

Excellent modern-with-cultivation AU with a gorgeously written Lan Zhan POV - both in terms of the prose and his deep-seated trauma that bubbles up along the way.

A Passion For Mushrooms by Chrononautical (The Hobbit, Bilbo/Thorin)

There are many trials for a hobbit attempting to make a life among dwarves. A hobbit wants a garden. A hobbit wants to eat regular meals. A hobbit wants friends, good books, and comfortable chairs. Bilbo does his best to carve out a little hobbit life for himself in the mountain. If only there were not one final obstacle. For a hobbit heart wants love, and among dwarves that is a sticky subject.

AKA the one with the mushroom mine, more feelings about guilds than I ever imagined having, and some epic cultural misunderstandings (both romantic and otherwise). I'm very much showing up to this widely recced story 6 years late with Starbucks, but it's got fantastic worldbuilding, humor, and romance.

Enjoy the reads! I always like it when people tell me which ones they liked so feel free 😘

[daemon-in-my-head]

I liked your thoughts in the latest post and I agree with the whole "Gortash was on board with Orin's plan" take. But did Durge really have a reason to go soft? What if he actually was the opposite. What if Gortash really wanted that blue tongue up his ass, but Durge was too busy having fun with corpses cause that's the only way his father allowed? Then, if Orin's plan goes well, Durge will no longer be the chosen and Gortash might have a chance (especially with the "i am your only ally now" act)? But Gortash underestimated Orin's madness so all he got from her is loosing any contact with his now lobotomized bhaal babe. And then his return but with a new fucking lover 🥴

yea.. I am sorry if I throw too much attention your way lately

Please don't stop throwing the attention I'm a whore for talking about these vile vile lovely gremlins. I'm thriving lol

Either way back to topic; yes yes mutually assured destruction and hubris being his down fall my beloved. Long story short; I can see it, I agree, and my personal HC/the dynamic between my Durge Elli nd Gortash is a mix of both of these things lol.

Ig spoilery territory for that longfic but here's what's going on in my personal dynamic cuz it's way easier to explain this way rather than my usual round about posting:

Sooo, I should begin by saying that Gortash has been trying to get rid of Orin for a while. She's a loose canon, most definitely distracting, and she can nd will influence Elli whenever he's showing a bit too much favor to the local tyrant.

All in all, though, they were somewhat okay with the current dynamic, at least up until everybody reunited at Moonrise. Not only did my Durge grow ever more unstable with the whole 'embracing the life he wishes to have with his equal vs glory for his creator and master'- bit as things got increasingly serious, there was also the whole kinda running from trauma stuff still going on. And now, on top of that, lovely lil Orin was absolutely fed up with being 'banished' to Moonrise by Elli, so the first thing she did was a pretty open and honest assassination attempt. Granted, it failed, but Elli didn't do anything to get revenge or smth either. Didn't even confront her about it besides ridiculing her a bit for her too-slow reflexes when anyone else would've lost their life for such audacity.

And welp. That kind of caused a certain somebody to snap. Gorty found out about her plans, and decided Elli can't see reason unless she corners him even more as clearly he's way too soft on her. So he kept his trap shut about what he knew was going to happen despite some more shit he found out that rly, rly, rly should've caused him to intervene but alas. His own obsession won over the reason he wanted to see in his equal.

TL;DR Gortash wanted Elli to make a choice and stick with it as Elli's old self would've done, but Elli didn't and instead he was oddly neutral so Gortash snapped and let it happen cuz my guy can't possibly communicate about what's going on. Also he does reason with himself that no matter the outcome, either Ellis death or his choice, would be in his favour and he'd finally fully surrender and his own plan could be accomplished just the way he wants it.

So I guess soft isn't quite the right word but it also is cuz technically yeah Durge is much softer than he used to be or is with anyone else but also Gortash is being absolutely 100% unreasonable but also he is reasonable cuz Orin IS a threat to their plans and idfk. It's a mess, I adore your take, in fact I've had a similar one but I choose to make it complicated LMFAO I hope my brain made sense for this one

[dallonwrites]

REVELATIONS, REVELATIONS - WIP intro

[ revelations, revelations by @dallonwrites / kevin laminto / erica e. goode / @/negaversace / revelations, revelations / mateus campos felipe / jay hulme / amatullah bourdon / tony detroit / revelations, revelations ]

disclaimer: this is my own original work

Genre: Literary Fiction Setting: San Francisco, 1985-1986 Aesthetics: saltwater, moon reflections in lakes, big empty houses, stained glass windows, blue hour, disco nights, night time city ambience, streetlights, swimming pools, the moon, blurry film photos, cold coffee, cigarettes, diners at night, birthday cake Essential Songs From The Playlist: Modern Talking - Cheri Cheri Lady / Shannon - Let the Music Play / Madonna - Material Girl / Patti Smith - Because the Night / Bronski Beat - Smalltown Boy / Tears for Fears - Everybody Wants to Rule the World / Cyndi Lauper - Girls Just Want to Have Fun / Diana Ross - Upside Down / Kate Bush - Running Up That Hill (A Deal With God) / Sade - Smooth Operator / The Buggles - Video Killed the Radio Star Deals With: Christian trauma + fundamentalism, faith, sibling relationships, childhood trauma, girlhood into womanhood, queerness and being closeted, AIDS crisis, toxic fathers, absent mothers Summary: Twins Dorothy and Felix have little memories of a time before their upbringing in a tiny, gated Christian fundamentalist community, and even less memories of their mother. As isolated children they retreated into each other and, even as they get older and began having separate experiences of their religion, and as their father hurt one of them with his distance and the other with his closeness, they still promised to one day escape together. But as their community grew sinister, and their rejection of it escalated into a violence and shared trauma they can't tell anyone else of, a rift formed: Dorothy's anger and resentment grew; Felix retreated further into faith to try and remedy himself. Dorothy escaped, and Felix didn't follow. When they reunite three years later, Felix will do anything to make it up to his sister. The return of an old habit of breaking into family homes to see what they could've had, and Dorothy's fixation on a man she believes reflects all the pain her old religion caused her, sees them fall back into the same co-dependency and co-destruction they wanted to escape. Amongst all this, they separately experience intense, unstable relationships, and a fragile friendship group that reaches breaking point when people start to get sick. Trying to understand their bond as adults, their placement in their community, and attempts to escape their past sees them fall right back into it, leaving the question of whether they can separate themselves from their trauma - or each other - at all.

If you've been around you already know about this one. She's basically the source of my special interest and whilst I would love to finish her one day, she's also just my special baby and I love getting to shape her over and over again. That being said in the last year I've found myself much more settled in the story and I think! It is starting to really come to life!

This is part of a wider ~series~, which is to say I have a special interest and cannot stop writing novels about the same characters, usually in the same setting. My other WIP, Lover Boy, is set in the same storyline and covers the years after. These are all personal projects that I work on at my own slow pace, but I talk about them a lot!