#not even normal tired depression stuff like im sleepy sleepy...

[bobzora]

why am i so tired sleepy lately...

[duskterrace]

local ghost spotted posting intro five days late, anomaly muns claim. many express shock over ghost's sudden appearance. ✩ ( let's pretend this is introduction is actually on time and i wasn't panicked about how little i had ready lmao)

sorry for the super late introduction guys and thank you admins for being so understanding with me and my sweet summer child ! hi everyone ! ✩ im ghost ( they/them, 21+, est ) sleepy and back from the afterlife to offer up seo jinsol, your local 23 year old disaster astronomy major with the ability to manipulate the presence of yin and yang within themselves ! i've been so excited for this rp, and i honestly cant wait to start plotting with everyone. everything you could possibly need on jinsol is below, along with some headcanons and wanted plots! my discords available for anyone who needs it ( and pls need it tumblrs ims will be the death of me ). pls send a dm or leave a like if you'd like to plot so i can race over and gush over your muse(s) !

ㅤ STATS   |  ABILITY   | BIO (U/C)   |  PLOTS | PINTEREST  | PLAYLIST

✩ BASIC INFORMATION.

name seo jinsol  ╱ age twenty3 ╱ pronouns he/they/she ╱ gender possibly ╱ birthday december 13, 1999 ╱ birthchart sagittarius sun aquarius moon leo rising ╱ hometown hongdae, seoul ╱ orientation bisexual, androsexual lean  ╱ personality outgoing, playful, confident, thrill-seeking, sarcastic, impulsive, stubborn, hot-tempered, curious ╱ faceclaim choi san ( ateez ) & hwang yeji ( itzy ) ╱ character inspo post ponytail zuko & sokka ( atla ), jordan li ( gen v ), beast boy & starfire ( dc titans )

✩ HEADCANONS. tw: far too many avatar the last airbender references.

raised with manners, so they're very respectful. especially of their elders and women. they don't eat first when elders are present, they offer assistance with tasks ( normally being the first to jump to help someone ), they tend to offer to listen to someones worries, etc.

since their power is based on internal balance an yin and yang, they can be found doing a lot of activities around campus to clear their mind from time to time. ranging from yoga in the morning, to sketching, jogging, endurance workouts, forcing themself to relax, and burning incense. think uncle iroh but as a modern day, 23 year old college student. when their energy ( chi ) isn't balanced, they experience disharmony, a very tiring process that causes the typical results of disharmony except ... personified. so gender switching to female, being depressed, stressed and anxious with tummy issues ( normal hot girl sh*t imo ) all at the same time and against their will etc.

contrary to how i explain them, they are not as calm, collected nor as wise as uncle iroh. they more so have the personality of zuko, around when he started being hot and also sokka. so sarcastic, awkward, still a hot head, playfully, clumsy, and always cracking a joke or two. the vibes of a beloved leader that probably shouldn’t be leading.

they're wanderlust coded. i have this weird headcanon of them, where its a day off and they just turn off their phone at night and go for a walk in the city and just exist, looking at the city lights, sitting and looking at the river, grabbing ice cream even though its cold out side and then eventually heading back to the dorms as if they didn't just disappear for a few hours without a word. they definitely do this often too, while eating some cheap buy buy one get one snack they bought at the a convenience store.

despite how they may act sometimes, they love skinship; on that note, physical touch & quality time are their love languages.

silly but their side of the dorm follows the rules of feng shui and they’d probably playfully nag their roommate ( or any friend really ) to let them just to rearrange one of their things so their stuff fits in the room a little better.

following the ( TW ) death of their grandmother, they fell into the deepest depression and stopped wearing the patch for a while, ( no longer than a month ). the extremely negative emotions they faced kept them female the entire time, but soon enough they caught feelings for someone. feeling happier, they started the went back on the patch again. in the crudest tldr; they got their heart broken pretty badly. they decided to go off of the nullivi patch one last time after falling head over heels for a normal person. the showed them their ability, and just to be completely truthful about who they were, they shifted. it backfired pretty quickly and they were shunned, shamed and rejected. this is one incident they still struggle with letting go, and it currently affects how they view / form relationships.

they don't hate nullivi but they don't like it either. it messes with their internal balance which can make it tough to use their powers later and requires a pretty strict regimen when off of nullivi to balance their energies again.

They actively seek connections. They’d give anything to connect and have someone understand them, deeply and intrinsically without feeling like they’re being judged for who they are. They want to be able to open up and have someone see them for them; for whats really the inside and not just whats the outside, no matter what form they may take.

* more coming soon, only one braincell is on shift tonight .

✩ WANTEDPLOTS. *more plots en route.

CRUSH : it starts with those shy glances across the room and before they know it , all of a sudden all of the songs they listen to were about your muse. for some reason, your muse has caught jinsol's eye. your muse gives them butterflies, hope even, but they don't call it a crush for nothing. ( possible routes: unrequited & requited ) SPRING FLING : what you had was quick and fun, and meaningless. in the end, there was a clear agreement from both sides that it was no strings attached, hence a clean break was expected. so why does it feel weird watching you walk by them without a word? and why does it sting to see you with someone else? THE DREADED GROUP PROJECT : lets be real, no one in this group ever really liked each other. Since the start of the semester they've kept a pretty good distance from each other, but despite their best efforts, this year they share a class and even worse they've been partnered together for a group project. their final grade is literally dependent on them working together and fast. will they do suck it up long enough to pass ? ( 0 / 2 ) A RIVAL : no need for formalities here. this is someone they just can't seem to see eye to eye with. your muse is someone who sees their presence as a threat and/or vice versa. it could be a friendly rivalry, or a genuine grudge filled feud. whatever it is, bring on the angst ! ( * would be great for rival muses in other rally houses )  TRAINER:  someone they can honestly throw down with. as a member of samjoko, they're constantly trying to find new ways to use their abilities to their advantage. whether its through regular hand to hand combat or testing the limits of their powers, they crave the power to propel samjoko's reputation further and feel like its their sole responsibility to harness said power. EX: a recent ex that broke them / or / the person they broke . the first person they sorta came out to about everything. their playlist has to be full of sad-ish songs for a reason right? this person is the reason, the reason for their glow up in public, and glow down in private. the break up could've been they're fault, could've been the other persons. all they know is... they hate that they still think about your muse as often as they do.  OTHERS : fellow members of samjoko, other residents in blue dorm, the usual fwb/ewb, enemies, childhood friend, friend groups, acquaintances, roommate etc connections. maybe people in the same major/classes, or another club of some kind?

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤDo you wish to make a connection?        ▶︎ YES.ㅤㅤㅤ NO.

[confessions-official]

i dont think im a good friend. i used to talk to someone online all the time and roleplay with her and we made all sorts of ocs and universes together but then i started getting tired and making worse and worse roleplay responses and i didnt want to say no to role-playing. because i think itd make her sad. and i think that might have lead to her making worse ones too but i dont know bit eventually i just kind of stopprf tslking to her for a while i cant really day ehy i think iy was a combination of adhd forgetfulness and fixation and depression tbh. but now were kinda starting to talk again and i like talking to her but all we do is roleplay like i dont think we can even Have a normal not roleplay conversation because i dont think shes being genuine because shes scared of making me upset or something which i will Not be upset at all i promise. but also i regret not being genuine eith her too. but all we do is roleplay pur ocs right well im gonna be blunt role-playing eith her is boring she doesnt really advance the plot much if that makes sens ei dont know im sorry

i dont know man im almost tempted to just not talk to her but i dont want to lose her as a friend k how to say this stuff im sleepy

.

[theloveinc]

this is v v random and you dont have to answer if you dont want to bc it IS personal, but i wanted to ask abt ur experience on wellbutrin? in terms of like, getting energy or feeling tired, sleepy? im worried about it making me sleepy/tired/brain fog (im 26 n BUSY as heck) again, dont have to answer at all, just asking bc i know youre quite open n honest on stuff so i thought id give it a shot and ask about your experience n like. ur pros & cons if thats okay. anyways thank u lub u legend bye <3

🥺Legend, of course u can ask!! I'm probably not the best choice, given I've only been on it since early June (and some people, much longer)... but honestly, in terms of brain fog and sleep... I have had almost literally NO issues and am all positive reviews here (...kinda).

One of the reasons I was prescribed it actually was for excessive sleepiness and brain fog (I get horrible, horrible brain fog normally and I have for years.)... and even though the results have been somewhat inconsistent since I've switched dosages like three times (and was off for a bit), literally it's helped SOOOOO much.

Obviously, people's reactions are going to be different, a moot (who I can tag but don't want to like... expose)(edit: @ace-of-books in the replies of this post!!!) on here told me Wellbutrin actually keeps her awake to the point where she needs mild sedatives to sleep... but I've honestly found I have no trouble actually going to sleep once I actually decide to (I like to use my phone in bed so I partially blame some sleep issues on that, but... you know) and waking up has gotten way, WAY easier.

(Also, with my new dosage, I take it twice a day and it's the NON-time release pills, and I've noticed that actually I haven't been as tired getting into bed usually... but someone told me this would go away once I fully adjusted AND I didn't have that problem on the time released capsules I took initially. Also it could just be that I've been taking a lot of naps at 8pm LMAOOO AND it doesn't actually bother me since the brain fog has been very reduced! *skips and jumps and claps feet together like a little leprechaun*🤩🤩🤩)

So yeah. More issues with... not being able to sleep than with being sleepy in the daytime. Thought when I was taking my more concentrated dose, if I had caffeine with it, things would get a little WoOoOooooOOOOooo funny🤡!!! at first.

As for cons... it's so funny because when I switched dosages the first time, I was like "omg these pills suck they stopped working after like, a month..." THAT WAS NOT TRUE LMAOOO. I HAD JUST GOTTEN USED TO THEM, and when I moved on to a higher dosage (150mg once a day to 150 TWICE a day🥶😨😱), I literally went insane (crying over mild inconveniences IN PUBLIC. I could think too hard and I would cry. Keep me awake over anxiety literally non-stop type insane).

And then, when I subsequently stopped taking them and it faded(?) from my system, it became very clear I actually was... worse off without them and I was extremely happy to go back on

I could always get used to it again, but right now I feel GREAT and literally kind of spring out of bed when I need to be up. No more lazing about waiting for my mind to work, it just does for the most part.

(Though I do get tired in the day because my schedule is awful, and also still crave sleeping a lot when I am in bed, it's just when I do wake + get up the adjustment period from sleepy time to being awake is almost... instant. So that, I would say, is fantastic).

ANYWHOOOO, this is kind of a long-winded answer that I answered sort of... backwards (talking about lack of sleep vs. excessive sleep), but... my experience has been so positive, even despite the dosage changes and the fact that it obviously hasn't cured my depression entirely. I just haven't had any issues with it making me tired at all, and it's FIXED my brainfog, which I guess is the answer to your question!

BUT, and I'm just gonna say this for legal reasons cuz I'm sure you already know, talk to your doctor/a medical professional first before making any decisions! Don't base taking it entirely off of ME because I also know people who experienced nothing positive on Wellbutrin at all. Not me, tho. But that can be common.

Thanks for reading this all (and being sooo sweet I lub you too + am kissing you), if you did! And no worries if you didn't, but good luck with whatever ends up happening!💕💕💕

[justsomefluff]

Good Morning with Ateez

Summary: the title pretty much explains it all lmao

A/N: Sorry that I haven’t been writing! School has been crazy with everything going on, and I have to work as well. Hopefully, I will be able to write more in the coming weeks.

*Members after Joong are below the cut*

Hongjoong: 

ok, waking up in the morning with joongie is wild

If he wakes up first, he’s all giggly

bugging you

kissy kissy all over your face

he’s practically on top of you 

it’s not that he wants to get up or anything, he just prefers when you are awake at the same time

“Let me sleep, Joongie”

“but iM LONELY”

If you’re really tired though he’s gonna be cute with you and let you sleep all you want

he will just lay with you and stroke your hair and kiss your hands and ugh im soft

BUT

if you wake up first

he expects the same

so, if you wake him up with anything other than smooches he’s gonna whine and complain so much

“GIMME KISS”

“no, you have morning breath”

“so what you're saying is you hate me”

SO dramatic

if you manage to slip out of bed before he can trap you

he will jump out of bed and latch onto you

LEECH

tries to steal your energy through his hugs

but overall a cute bb who likes a calm, sweet wakeup with his love

Seonghwa:

(THIS GIF I CANT BREATHE)

So, our precious baby Seonghwa

ALWAYS awake before you

like how does he do it???

why does he do it???

whenever he wakes up, he’ll kinda check on you a little bit

make sure you’re in a comfortable position, give you a kiss and all that

but then he’ll slip out before you wake up??

rude.

And then you wake up and you're kinda grumpy bc why would he leave you cold and alone when you could be cuddling rn

when you find him, he’s halfway through making you breakfast

and that makes up for it

he always tries to do things for you to make your mornings easier

It’s his way of making up for all the things he can’t do for you while he’s working

When he notices that you're awake omigod the biggest smile

Will deadass abandon his cooking to come give you a squeeze

your eyebrows are all furrowed and you’re pouting and you're hair is just the worst but he’s so in love with you, you big dork

Gives you a kiss and then makes you sit down

serves you breakfast, all proud

if it’s something he doesn't normally make, he will watch you take the first bite and cross his fingers that you like it

which you always do

Mornings with him will pretty much always be domestic and sweet

Yunho:

McSquishy

When he wakes up, his cheeks go poof

anyway you usually wake up before him on your days off

but he will wake up soon after you

it’s like he senses that you're awake and wants to join in on the party

so when he wakes up, he feels you stretching and wiggling around

Will make fun of you if you make any of those awkward stretching noises

“UGHHHHH AHHH”

like hush leave me alone

isn’t hard to wake up but he will 100% drag you out of bed as soon as he can

mostly because he wants food

if you don’t get up right away he’ll just make you

like the recent video where he just picks up San and moves him? Yeah exactly

will also do that weird shimmy dance he did in that video too just to show you how excited he is

like a golden retriever no lie

so excited to be with you all the time

“Baby, let’s go” “baby, let’s eat” *smoochies*

and you just kinda let him drag you all over the place because he’s cute

isn’t one for morning cuddles in bed, but will still make you sit on his lap during breakfast and stuff just to have you close

cute squish who just wants to be loved aw

Yeosang:

clingy baby right here

Will probably wake up before you

but he’s not totally there yet, you know?

like his eyes are open but he’s dead

kinda flounders for a second trying to find you in the bed

when he does, he’s sticking to you and not letting go

probably falls asleep again because he’s so comfy and warm

so, it’s up to you to wake up before both of you sleep through the day

he’s usually pretty happy when he wakes up

lots of sleepy smiles

nuzzling into you like crazy

even though he’s groggier than you, he will be the first to get up

probably to pee or something idk he just needs to move

eager to start the day

If you’re still in bed 5 minutes after he gets up he’s gonna judge you

“How dare you let me start our day together by MYSELF”

when you do get up, all is forgiven

the kind of person who likes to go out for breakfast rather than cook it at home

it’s not that he can’t, he just doesn’t want to lmao

always excited to dress up a little bit with you for breakfast dates

the perfect beginning to your day together imo

San:

SO WHINY

obviously you’re gonna have to be the one to wake him up

waking up is San’s least favorite part of the day

will trap you in bed for the entire day if you let him

“San, I know you’re tired but we slept ‘til noon”

“Let’s make it 2:00″

literally goes through the 7 stages of grief when he wakes up

Denial: “not morning yet, bye”

Guilt: “I’m so lazy”

Bargaining: “BABY, two more hours, it’ll be great”

Depression: “they started the day without me and I’m lonely”

Upward Turn: “maybe I feel a little more awake now”

Working Through: “ok I can do this, just one more stretch”

Acceptance: “Im up”

Like finally

definitely likes morning cuddles though so if you didn't give him at least that, then he’s gonna hate you for the day

loves starting his day with you and if you don't help him wake up the way he wants

Grumpy baby all day

just snuggle him dammit

Mingi:

ok so he’s not waking up I don't care

when Mingi sleeps, he’s comatose okay

until he has a genuine reason to get up, he is parked

likes to cuddle, but not gonna sacrifice sleep for it

so, if you get up and start your day, whatever he’ll stay

like he’ll ask you to stay and cuddle but he isn’t gonna have enough energy to argue with you over it lmao

you deadass need jumper cables to get him started

if he has to get up to pee or something minor, he will try to do it without you noticing so he can go back to sleep

“SONG MINGI, I SEE YOU”

“NO” and then he sprints back to bed

cue wrestling in bed because once he is fully awake he can’t sit still

like you’re trying to get him up and, while he’s awake now, he just wants to make your life a little harder

pulling you under the covers and everything while you're begging him to come eat with you

he will eventually give in because food

but with him, you kind of just have to let him wake up on his own

if you want to get him started that’s fine, but it prolly won’t help lmao

let him sleep, he’ll figure it out

Wooyoung:

Wooyoungie babyyyyy

When I wake up in the morning...it’s not as sexy as you think

contrary to popular belief, Woo does not wake up sexily

he wakes up friggin adorable

when you wake up first, he just makes you cuddle him until he’w ready to get up, no arguments

but if he wakes up first, he’s wiggling all over the place

another one who just cant sit still 

will stretch and bounce and just be a nuisance until you get up too

he will definitely smack you in the face when he’s stretching and then just laugh when you glare at him

when really he should fear for his life like you did not just wake me up by SMACKING ME

but will definitely be kissing you everywhere because he always says he wants to start his day by seeing you smile

cheeseball fr

also he’s loud

in case you didn't know

“JAGIYA WAKE UPPPPPP”

“SHHHHHHHHHH WOOYOUNGAH”

but his volume is contagious and then you're both yelling and its insane

but then you're both giggling and kissing and hugging and its a good morning because

no time spent with Wooyoung is wasted

Jongho:

(How could I not use this gif I mean really)

Jongho is so hard to wake up

like at least Mingi will wake up to shoo you away

but Jongho physically cannot

You could squeeze an air horn by his face and he wouldn't even flinch

basically he’s a heavy sleeper

But as you have more sleepovers, you’ll figure out a way to wake him up more effectively

whatever your method may be, he will be smiling as soon as he opens his eyes

always excited to see you

bc he’s a sweet baby

will make you hug him for a little bit and he’ll kiss your head

after a little bit he’ll sigh and be like “okay”

that’s when you know you can both get up

will follow you around and do pieces of his routine as you do yours

you're almost totally in sync its kinda creepy

but then he will offer to help you make breakfast and always lets you pick what you want to make

just soft for you in general and he’d give you the world

hell, he’s definitely strong enough

[lovemesomesurveys]

Thought I Couldn't Top It, Huh? OVER 2000 Questions! (Truly the Longest!) Created by distortedcognition

Part 9

.x.Currently.x. What are you feeling? Tired and kinda hungry. Smelling? Whatever my brother just made for lunch. Seeing? This. Hearing? Gilmore Girls. Doing? This, watching Gilmore Girls, and enjoying an apple crisp macchiato.  Who are you talking to online? No one. On the phone? No one. What room of the house are you in? I’m in my room.  Are you cold? No. Bored? Eh, I’m okay right now. Warm? I’m content at the moment.

Hot? ^^^ Do you look nice? No. What are you wearing? I’m wearing Adidas shorts and a black shirt with grumpy bear (the Care Bear) on it holding a cup of coffee. Are you eating anything? No. Drinking anything? Yeah, that apple crisp macchiato I mentioned. BMI? I don’t know. What brand of shoes are you wearing? I’m not wearing shoes at the moment. What are you wishing for? I’m hoping the weather starts to cool down soon. What are you worried about? I’m always worried about health related stuff. Sad about? I’m just a sad, sleepy, sensitive soul. Happy about? Nothing. Angry about? Nothing at this moment. Serious about? My current and ongoing situation. Laughing about? Nothing. Talking about? Nothing. Typing about? These answers. Are you IMing anyone? Nope. .o.Friends.o. Who are your friends? I don’t have any. Your best friends? Who do you hang out with most? Who do you treat the best? Who treats you the best? Do you even have friends? Nope. If so, why are you taking this survey? This is just one little section of a long survey, it’s fine to skip over it.  

The smart one? The depressed one? The punk? The goth? The prep? The jock? The outcast? The stupid one? The one who you think will kill someone one day? The annoying one? The hyper one? The oblivious one? The romantic? The content one? The pervert? The liar? The cheapskate? The ominous one? The disrespectful one? The abusive one? The hot one? The ugly one? The one that hates you? The one you hate but hang out with anyway? The back-up one? The fighter? The lover? The hippie? The druggie? The alcoholic? The one that is most likely to be in jail? The most likely to be murdered? The most likely to be committed to a mental hospital? The most likely to stay there forever? The normal one? The conformist? The nonconformist? The masochistic one? The sadistic one? The weird one? The musical one? The artistic one? The perfect one? The literary genius? The fugitive? The juvenille delinquint? The Jewish one? The Christian one? The Buddhist one? The Muslim one? The Hindu one? The Catholic one? The Wiccan one? The atheist? The agnostic? The cutter? The anorexic one? The bulimic one? The skinny one? The thin one? The fat one? The obese one? The Satanic one?

[judememories]

lady gaga voice slowly fadin in: oOoohohOhoh im in love w judas.... ju-Das juda-ah-ah... i rly missed jude tbh so i decided to bring him in as a second. i hv faith i cn manage jugglin i... ...... .. . have faith. in case u dnt kno it is me (nai) n this is like. the one (1) male chara iv ever managed to play longer than jst a few weeks. truly jst Zee Fruit Of My Womb! bt anyway. jst gna leap right in to the intro. we die like men

he pinterest: 

me in the voice of a card magician performing on the street: round up round up pick a pinterest any pinterest!

ta-da it’s aesthetics:

lead marbles instead of eyes, a stolen hearse careening down the wrong lane, wearing a faded smiley face sticker on your forehead while receiving a serious lecture, bags under the eyes that are so big they could pack enough clothes for a three week vacation, a cigarette wobbling from your bottom lip as you squint against the sunlight, passing out on a stranger's rooftop, placing sunglasses over the eyes of a biology lab skeleton, gangling around the place like shaggy minus his scooby snacks, saying "fuck off" to inanimate objects

about tha Bitch:

he hd to do community service bc he kind of... hd a bit of a breakdown before the funeral of his elderly neighbour who bsically raised him bc her kids rly didnt care abt her they jst wanted her inheritance?? so he... stole the hearse w her casket still in it n ws jst like... drivin around the place sort of... tryin nt to cry.....KJJFHSFKJGHKFG i mean. it isnt funny its actually sad bt :/ in a very bizarre n jude way. he gt caught n taken in fr questioning bt her son kind of realised hw... broken up abt her death jude ws n had a heart n didnt press charges. regardless he stil hd to do community service bc it ws like taken seriously even tho it ws his first proper offence. doin it rly exhausted n depressed him so when he wsnt doin tht he ws just hibernatin in his room....... n thts where hes been 2 explain his absence to any of u whose charas had... connections w him Way Back When

in a new development in terms of sexuality i jst am nt quite sure....... hes always thot he ws straight... fooled around w a 90s hugh grant lookalike once n ws jst a bit like :/ my rocks rnt blasted off? bt who knows wht the future holds... who KNOWS wht the future holds ladies n gentlemen

frm this point on i wnt lie iv pasted in his old intro bc. a bich is lazy! a bich is predictable! and a bich! is! unapologetic!

born in sheffield in england, bt they went back and forth between there n san fran a lot jude was an unhappy accident. his parents never rly used protection bc they were super Liberal n Au Naturel n believed in the pull out method bc… they were maniacs. bt then the ONE time they used a condom in an effort to b safety conscious it broke n hence…. jude was bornthey just kind of ran w it bc they had such a passionate relationship tht they were like What The Hell…. may as well! itll be fine we’ll learn to be good parents n love him like normal ppl do

spoiler alert: tht didn’t work outthey were ok to him like they weren’t abusive or anything like that bt they just found him to be a massive burden n hindrance to their plansthey literally….. had sex all day every day n acted like a pair of teenagers. it ws a super weird environment for a kid to grow up in bc he literally had no role models or… guidance or…. anything rly. occasionally they’d joke around w him or pretend they even knew what grade he was going into but for the most part they just Didn’t Care one bit

they were both suuuuper into the arts. they’re both rly good sculptors bt they paint too n they actually own a rly successful gallery in san fran

as a result he grew up around a lot of creative n sometimes pretentious ppl. the friends of his parents were more present in his life than his ACTUAL parents bc they were always jetting off to diff countries to scout out new pieces fr their galleries n just have a gd time in beautiful places without…. the annoyance tht ws their son forcing them to b responsible n look after someone else. tbh some of his parents friends were rly damaging too bt….i won’t go into that just yet. it doesn’t rly…need properly explaining bc jude never talks abt it anyway n it….is rather triggering so i’ll jst….leav it for now tbh fgkhdfgh. basically they just were Not Nice n jude had a lot of bad memories he keeps repressed

bc of how he ws raised he has a p cultured taste. he luvs classic lit, especially kerouac, n p much anything artsy. he can play piano 2 n sometimes gets rly high n thinks he’s mozart level gd at composing. i mean he’s gd bt… Calm Down Judepersonality wise he acts out sometimes bc he’s so frustrated. he tried rly hard to be someone his parents wld care abt by doing wild or stupid things so he’d hav funny stories to tell them n tbh sometimes it works n he gets them to laugh w him but it isn’t a parent/son bond n it never rly wil b. 

he’s rly sarcastic, sleeps around a lot, has an overflowing secret sketchbook n if he cares abt someone he’ll probably draw them n get rly defensive if they find out abt it fkjgdhfkj bcos he’s an Independent Boy without a sentimental bone in his body. or so he says. at heart he is jst a very Sad Boy w lots of repressed issues like depression genuinely just does NAT giv him a single break bt he plasters over this w wise cracks n never discusses his emotions ever. he’s actually p decent or at least tries to b. he’s kind of like tht bit in superbad where michael cera gets rly drunk n makes a toast to women. tries to b? a feminist bt sometimes fucks up n offends ppl n is like dam..... my bad fr :/

he has p bad insomnia so he like never sleeps fgjkhfgjkf he always has rly sleepy eyes n rubs them tiredly mid conversation. he smokes a lot of weed to try n compensate fr this n make him tired bt he still struggles a lot

ANYWAY that aside he’s at lockwood doing fine arts. he luvs painting n photography n philosophy n all tht. a pretentious fiend sometimes? maybe_so.gif

ummMMMMmm honestly idk i’m blankin on what else to say. ull find him smoking weed reading an american classic or gnawing at his thumbnail n getting charcoal smudges along that Dramatic model jawline. he’s p broody n scruffy n he’s mostly here fr a good time. o and he’s That Guy that would die fr morrissey (his vibe not personality bc i hc jude was depressed n shut himself inside all day when he actually found out what a dick he is dfjkfhg) and all that stone roses the smiths etc stuff music wise. HMU FR PLOTS!!!!!! i’m down fr anything

[judesave]

helo it is me nai bk again w chara #2. i hd jude at the old lockwood some of u may remember him he is? frankly my pride n joy n like the only male chara i’ve ever been able to properly stick w. here is his muse tag n here is his pinterest board if ur into tht stuff. gna just dive in bc its 8am n i still haven’t slept rip!

( nai. 22. gmt. she/her. ) it might be HIS JUNIOR year but I still think JUDE HAYWARD looks exactly like DOUGLAS BOOTH and sometimes I think the CIS-MALE is actually them. Of course I’m wrong, as they’re 23 and studying ARTwhile living in POTENTAS here at Lockwood. The PISCES can be rather WITTY and PROTECTIVE, but also kind of RUDE and DETACHED. Their most played song on Spotify was ASLEEP by THE SMITHS, so I think that says a lot.

born in sheffield in england, bt they went back and forth between there n san fran a lot

jude was an unhappy accident. his parents never rly used protection bc they were super Liberal n Au Naturel n believed in the pull out method bc… they were maniacs. bt then the ONE time they used a condom in an effort to b safety conscious it broke n hence…. jude was born

they just kind of ran w it bc they had such a passionate relationship tht they were like What The Hell…. may as well! itll be fine we’ll learn to be good parents n love him like normal ppl do

spoiler alert: tht didn’t work out

they were ok to him like they weren’t super abusive or anything like that bt they just found him to be a massive burden n hindrance to their plans

they literally….. had sex all day every day n acted like a pair of teenagers. it ws a super weird environment for a kid to grow up in bc he literally had no role models or… guidance or…. anything rly. occasionally they’d joke around w him or pretend they even knew what grade he was going into but for the most part they just Didn’t Care one bit

they were both suuuuper into the arts. they’re both rly good sculptors bt they paint too n they actually own a rly successful gallery in san fran

as a result he grew up around a lot of creative n sometimes pretentious ppl. the friends of his parents were more present in his life than his ACTUAL parents bc they were always jetting off to diff countries to scout out new pieces fr their galleries n just have a gd time in beautiful places without…. the annoyance tht ws their son forcing them to b responsible n look after someone else. tbh some of them were rly damaging too bt….i won’t go into that just yet. it doesn’t rly…need properly explaining bc jude never talks abt it anyway n it….is rather triggering so i’ll jst….leav it for now tbh fgkhdfgh. basically they just were Not Nice n jude had a lot of bad memories he keeps repressed

bc of how he ws raised he has a p cultured taste. he luvs classic lit, especially kerouac, n p much anything artsy. he can play piano 2 n sometimes gets rly high n thinks he’s mozart level gd at composing. i mean he’s gd bt… Calm Down Jude

personality wise he acts out sometimes bc he’s so frustrated. he tried rly hard to be someone his parents wld care abt by doing wild or stupid things so he’d hav funny stories to tell them n tbh sometimes it works n he gets them to laugh w him but it isn’t a parent/son bond n it never rly wil b. he’s rly sarcastic, sleeps around a lot bt isn’t particularly fond of actual Dates except in rare cases, has an overflowing secret sketchbook n if he cares abt someone he’ll probably draw them n get rly defensive if they find out abt it fkjgdhfkj bcos he’s an Independent Boy without a sentimental bone in his body. or so he tries to pretend. pretty deadpan humour most of the time. luvs strange ppl tht keep him on his toes

he has rly bad insomnia so he like never sleeps fgjkhfgjkf he always has rly sleepy eyes n rubs them tiredly mid conversation. he smokes a lot of weed to try n compensate fr this n make him tired bt he still struggles a lot. he also... smokes a lot fr the sake of his depression bc HOO boy does he hav it bad! he’s tried a bunch of medications n none have rly worked bt u kno. he’s surviving

ummMMMMmm honestly idk i’m blankin on what else to say. ull find him smoking weed reading an american classic or gnawing at his thumbnail n getting charcoal smudges along that Dramatic model jawline. he’s p broody n scruffy n he’s mostly here fr a good time. o and he’s That Guy that would die fr morrissey and all that stone roses the smiths etc stuff music wise. HMU FR PLOTS!!!!!! i’m down fr anything

[perfectionistincrisis]

crazy fucking week

this has been one hell of a week. idk what exactly that sounds like, but what i mean to say is that, I don’t think I have faced reality so much in a week. there have been a lot of things that bothered me. things about my personal life, about my health, about my career, about life in general. 

I think it has been a long time now, but I really am not someone who prefers being alone. and im not someone who is into a light relationship. I like strong attachments or none at all. and the fact that I am on my own right now keeps on disturbing me. time to time i feel fine, and great indeed when i spend time with my family but it does not last 24 7 duh. i do feel alone at times. 

since im in the surgery rotation. currently, im always around surgeons. i have seen some in action in the operating rooms. and honestly once i see anyone operating, i look at them in a totally different way. its like when a little kid looks at their favorite marvel character. Although for me, its like surgeons in general. plus i saw how lifeless they are usually. As in, a 10 hour surgery today, and you have to go to work the next day and do all the normal things like its any other usual day. I mean - ok yeah it is just another day but. No. No. I mean they just did a 10 hour surgery man - i personally think you need a vacation after that ‘-’ but lol no. its just a daily thing! Well, it should be if you’re a surgeon. SO yeah I just keep looking at them and keep wondering. Man. Are they human ‘-’ 

Well, then was a part of my depression due to how physically tired I have felt for days. I literally have no. no fucking idea how i make it throughout the day at the hospital and stay alive at the end of it. The moment i enter home, I drop straight on my bed. It seriously does not matter whether I come home early, or late. I drop on my bed and I am a dead corpse. I may get up in between for like 15 to 20 minutes. Maybe pray or eat and go back to bed. I am not simply lying down and doing shit or lying down with my phone. I just drop dead on bed. I literally sleep till 4 at night. so some days I sleep from the evening till 1am. Some days from afternoon till 4 am. I stay that tired and sleepy. It actually used to hurt seeing myself like this. Me getting up and going to the hospital the next day was like a miracle to me. Not to mention how the hospital makes me extra lonely because every where I look I see couples. Or maybe all the coupes just happen to appear in front of me ‘-’ well, either way, whether they’re married, or engaged, or just together or definitely flirting to get together lol - they’re just there in front of my eyes ‘-’ and I’m just me; cold and tired and on my own. 

plus many things together, made me realize and actually get it, clearly, in my system, that at the end of the day, this is life. All you have is yourself. Whether you are in a house full of people or all by your own. You are what you’ve got. Its like life slapping me hard on the face and telling me to stop wanting company so badly. 

And what made this week extra uncomfortable was the inflamed sebaceous cyst I had that recurred from a year ago. The doctor gave me antibiotics hoping it would go away but all what happened was that it actually got more inflamed and increased in size. Well I then had to go through a minor surgery under local anesthesia where he excised it and removed all the soft tissue from the affected area and then stitched it up. Well, the cyst was bothering me so much, i could wait for it to be excised. and then suddenly the pain just decreased so much but it grew in size. I thought since it was going to be under anesthesia so there will be no pain and that will be the end of it. but i had no clue that i have to take pain killers because once its removed and the anesthesia takes off it IS going to pain from all the cutting and inflammation due to the excision like shit ‘-’ how did i not think of it. so yeah that scared the shit out of me and i have been taking pain killers every 6 hours so yeah I guess I avoided the pain that was to follow. during the excision, well man what? the? hell? I thought anesthesia was super cool. I am going to be numb. Like how my feelings are right now. But nah. only the ‘pain’ went away. I could l.i.t.e.r.a.l.l.y. feel the touch. Also i totally forgot that anesthesia is given by pricking the site a million times. I thought it will be one decent injection but NAH. a million pricks over that inflamed site. omg. once the anesthesia was given and the surgeon started cutting, he asked if i feel pain and well. i mean. I DONT KNOW? i DO feel something for sure. Now i cant say its pain Also, i dont want to say that its not pain so. IDK? well so yeah. like i said. i could feel him moving the scalpel. scraping soft tissue off  from that place. and then i opened my eyes, and i could see all the gauze soaked with blood that the nurse was pushing aside. like. I could actually see myself bleeding, and someone scraping tissue from me, and and. then I saw someone actually suturing my skin up like right in front of my eyes. like - i was taught how to suture on plastic stuff thats supposed to seem like skin. and then like a week ago, i actually saw surgeons right in front of my eyes suturing a patient up. her abdomen was wide open for a liver transplant. and then they nicely sutured everything up like it was nothing. and now right in front of me im getting stitched up. and i could feel the strings being run through my skin, and the curved needle poking me and being pulled out into the air. and the surgeon doing the surgical knots exactly the way i was taught. 

I haven’t faced reality to this point, all at once, within a week. whether it is about the hospital and my studies and career, or my emotional status or my physical status or whatever it is, you name it. 

Surprisingly, after the cyst was removed, I haven’t felt lazy. like i am serious. I am not sleepy anymore and right the next day which was today was lectures day. like all we had at the hospital today was 5 long lectures for 5 straight hours with no break in between. no break literally. and i was actually awake “and alert” and taking notes. For me, that is a miracle. Like, i still cant believe I actually did it. Because “i am always sleepy”. Ask anyone in my class. Ask my friends. Everybody knows. “i am always sleepy”. In fact I even have the guts to sit right next to doctors and doze off while their giving a lecture any day during the week. and we usually have one lecture a day in between all the other hospital activities and it is usually give to 5 to 6 girls or 15 max. And yeah, I am actually brave enough to doze off in the middle of such a small group of people. well luckily none of the doctors ever said anything. oh and if i dont fall asleep, im usually trying so hard to keep my eyes open that people can actually tell so. even doctors! and well, there are times when I was almost about to throw the cup of coffee i was drinking because “i almost fell asleep while drinking coffee” Yeah! So i stopped taking caffeine for like 4 days now. I just gave up. And then after all that drama, and depression when im actually awake for 5 lectures. i start wondering if i ever did that ever in my life previously lol. 

sope, the stitch will need to be removed after a week. and well emotionally i dont feel anything for a while now. I am just so numb. Plus, I really dont know much about him and as much as that kills me, I keep telling myself maybe thats exactly how its supposed to be I guess

Everything is so hard for me to take. Whatever it is. Me making it through the day - is like a miracle to me. the strength i need to hold myself together physically and mentally - idk where it comes from and idk how it disappears from time to time but Alhamdulillah 

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