#not cause it's tough to read the novel. but because i suck at doing my homework in chunks

[vulpinesaint]

just did my french homework three days early. do you understand the desperation i feel to have a little task that i can complete successfully in the span of a few minutes rather than hours

[vorpal-fnord]

you clearly have no prior experience in art lmao

I write in my free time and have been commissioned to write stories for people several times. I also look forward to the day when GPT3's successor is able to spit out high-quality, coherent, novel-length text about whatever we want.

My partner is an artist by trade. I still think empowering more people to express themselves through prompt engineering is going to open the door to a lot of really cool stuff, even if some people will want to wait for generators that trained on art acquired in more ethical ways according to their personal moral code.

I'm not worried about humans being replaced by computers.

I think it sucks that the jobs that are most threatened by these new developments aren't the ones that had a lot of build up and anticipation around them like truck-driving or factory-line work. I think a lot of people were blind-sided when A.I. art turned out to be lower-hanging fruit than a dozen other kinds of menial jobs that might cause short-term disruption for the current work force, but which wouldn't lead to the tough questions about something as quintessentially human as art being encroached upon.

But what's hard for humans is not necessarily hard for computers.

I get why people, especially people who make their living from art, are worried. I'm not going to pretend that there's not a scary uncertainty hanging in the air right now.

But my hope is that this will be more like chess in the long term.

The average cell phone running the right software, is a better chess player than any human being on earth.

And yet, people still play chess. People still make a living playing chess. People still learn the game, and find it interesting to discuss, and go to chess clubs, and make Youtube videos about it, and fall in love with chess. The chess A.I. has even opened up amazing avenues nobody expected, like allowing people to examine games between grandmasters and see mistakes they made or alternate ways the games might have gone.

Don't misunderstand me. This new technology will be disruptive. When all the dust is settled, things will probably look quite different for artists in 100 years.

But humans still weight lift even though the ox is stronger than we'll ever be. Humans still sprint even though the cheetah is faster than we'll ever be. Humans still ride horses for the pleasure of it, even though cars will get you there faster.

I have a lot of friends who are artists, and I have been seeing a lot of them falling into despair about A.I. art. I don't want to be a pollyanna and pretend that none of the things they're concerned about will come to pass.

But the beautiful thing about humans is that we spend hours perfecting card tricks and sleight of hand. We do this even though there's certainly someone out there who will be better at it than us. We do it even though the vast majority of us will never be professional illusionists.

We write, and we paint, and we sing, and none of those things is a competition. The only race you're running is against yourself. We do these things because we are human, because we love to do them, and because we want to express ourselves.

I wish I could tell all my artist friends the things they need to hear to make them understand that this new world we're in isn't going to take their own art away from them. It's not an end for self-expression through art, and it doesn't make all the skills they spent years learning useless. It doesn't invalidate the time they spent sketching embarrassing doodles in a notebook instead of listening in class, or taking art as an elective a second time because their school didn't have any other art classes, or all the time they spent just trying to get hands or expressions or poses right.

I understand we're all living under the constraints of a capitalist society.

People need money to live, and if you have the means, I encourage everyone who's reading to commission their friends, become a patron of an artist you believe in, and consider filling your house with beautiful human-made art that has special meaning for you.

Until we have UBI, or luxury gay space communism, it will always be hard for artists, and I sympathize with that. I absolutely think everyone out there should be the change they want to see, and let this be an opportunity for human-made art to flourish. Commit to help your local art scene, go to an art gallery, and talk about human-made art with your friends. Don't just let your interest taper off in a few months, keep going back, keep buying and supporting it for years to come.

But I don't think it will be the worst outcome in the world if a teenager 100 years from now who is just finding their voice types a prompt into an ethically-sourced A.I. art generator, and gets a beautiful image that inspires them, that they craft their own meaning and mythology around, and which becomes a part of their life. Because that's human too.

[nanowrimo]

Pro Tips from a NaNo Coach: How to Make Writing Enjoyable

NaNoWriMo can seem like a daunting task sometimes, for NaNo newbies and veterans alike. Fortunately, our NaNo Coaches are here to help guide you through November! Today, author C.L. Clark is here to share some tips for meeting your goal this month:

Hey, Wrimos! Welcome to the third week. Halfway from the starting line and halfway to the finish line—and that might be scary, exciting, or both. Honestly, it reminds me a lot of going out for a really long run. As an epic fantasy writer and a new runner, I’ve gotten familiar with the sticking points in these long, long journeys that a part of me enjoys but another, very human part of me quails from.

It’s okay to lean into that humanity and feel the pain. Running taught me that you can’t beat yourself up because something isn’t going the way you envisioned. You are the runner you are on the run that you are running, right now. You aren’t running in the past and you aren’t running in the future. You are the writer you are, writing the book you are writing now. It’s not a year like any other and you are not the same writer you were or will be. You can only do your best for right now.

Sometimes, though, remembering that isn’t enough to make me enjoy a run. Sometimes the writer I am is stressed, burnt out, and anxious about the future of my stories. My experience writing The Unbroken, free and unfettered by publisher deadlines was very different from drafting its sequel, The Faithless, with deadlines and external critics.

When my runs get tough at halfway, I take stock of what I have to do to get to the finish line feeling good. This is a great time to take stock of your own process, too, without judgement. Ask yourself a few questions:

What was your favorite part of the ru—I mean, writing your novel so far? What was so enjoyable about it? Can you do it again? Not write that exact scene again—though maybe it does mean writing another sword fight if you loved writing a sword fight. Maybe it means writing something that gives the same oomf. Was the sword fight thrilling because two characters rushed at each other over a worthy cause? Can you get that same shiver by having a character race to rescue another, or a kiss, or a verbal argument? A confession that ruins everything?

Next: who is your favorite character to write? (It’s okay if it’s not your protagonist, I won’t tell.) Can they show up in a few more scenes while you’re writing this week? It’ll give you a boost while you’re writing, but odds are it’ll give your story a boost, too. This is like picking a power song to help you kick your legs a little faster.

Now…what was the hardest part of writing your novel so far this month? The part that made you think, wow, this is hard, maybe I’m better off not finishing NaNoWriMo. This is like running up the steepest hill. I give you permission…to skip it the next time it comes up. Do the brackets trick the next time something threatens to bog you down and suck out the enjoyment ([insert set dressings and clothing here]). Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself permission to enjoy the run, and if that means slowing down, that’s okay.

Remember you will never be worse off for practicing something you love, or trying out a new hobby, or taking steps toward a dream. Now, take it to the finish line. Slowly ease up on any restraints you’ve been holding on to, and knock out this third week. You’ll be in the final sprint soon, so for now, run steady and keep your head up.

C.L. Clark is a BFA award-winning editor and Ignyte award winning-writer, and the author of The Unbroken, first book in the Magic of the Lost trilogy. She graduated from Indiana University’s creative writing MFA and was a 2012 Lambda Literary Fellow. She’s been a personal trainer, an English teacher, and an editor, and is some combination thereof as she travels the world. When she’s not writing or working, she’s learning languages, doing P90something, or reading about war and [post-]colonial history.

[aqricus]

Arba my head has been full with the concept of Odasaku eating cooter for his pleasure,,

Just something about a man finding immense satisfaction in pleasing you instead of the other way around? It keeps me up at night!!

You’ll be vibing and minding your business, jamming out to music through your earbuds and just get hit with a strong grip to your hips or thighs, and the feeling of your skirt getting hiked up cause how else is he gonna fit he’s so big

You’d think you wouldn’t be flustered after all this time yet still, it’s just so....embarrassing to be craved like this. To have someone make a mess of you whenever they wanted. It’s so hot but it’s also,, kinda humiliating

Trying to close n clench your legs cause “h-hey-“ “‘m trying to listen to my music-“ and you can barely hear his firm, baritone voice through the fabric of your skirt

“So listen. I’m not stopping you.”

So you just have to sit there and take his godsend of a tongue-lashing while also trying to focus on the mumbling coming through your earbuds,, legs just quivering and cream leaking down your inner thighs

Even better if it’s a dark!odasaku who doesn’t even know you, you’re just a civilian he comes across once in awhile yet somehow you still managed to draw his attention

You’re sitting in the cafe he frequents, in the back of course because you’re a bit timid and don’t like to be the center of attention because of course while you don’t know him, he knows everything about you head buried in a lengthy book, the title of which he cares not to remember

Cause all he can focus on is the outline of your plump thighs in that floor length skirt; mind just racing with visions of how fat your pussy is, how nice and puckered it must look against your panties, how wet ‘n succulent your swollen little folds are, how soft ‘n tuggable they must be, your cries and whines, the way your chubby clit’ll just throb on his tongue—

his mouth’s frothing just thinking about it

Meanwhile, you’re so focused on your novel you don’t notice the shift in the air around you, nor the vibrations of movement near your table...

Not until you feel a set of long, calloused hands grip the tops of your knees and shove em open with the swiftness of an ocean. You gasp loudly, and after looking around to make sure no one heard nor was looking at you, you look down to meet:

Nothing.

Well, nothing but the slight outline of a man’s head under your skirt

you want to freak out, make a scene in the hopes that someone will help or he’ll get discouraged enough to leave you alone...

But the thought, the slight possibility that doing so will lead to people getting the wrong idea cause what’re you gonna say? “I was reading and all of a sudden a guy shoved his head up my crotch”? is too much to bear. The embarrassment and humiliation from the looks of realization you know you’d receive is chilling enough to send shivers down your spine

Or rather, that’s what you’d like to think as your betraying body can’t help but tremble under the soft feeling of this man’s hot mouth on the now dampening outline of your cunt through your panties; the occasional brushes of his rough stubble giving such a satisfying contrast to his delicate kisses on your pussy...

You try to pull away, try to close your legs n kick the stranger away but to no avail; he’s tough as nails, it’s like moving a boulder he’s so strong—

And his response to your futile struggles? He doesn’t even get mad. Doesn’t hit you, doesn’t smack your legs, not even a displeased grumble escapes him.

No, his grip just gets stronger. Almost like a warning. Like he’s trying to send a message of “I’m being nice right now, this can get much worse”

And the last thing you’d want is to provoke a stranger, a stranger whom you don’t know what they’re capable of aside from their ridiculous strength and stealth...

So you just sit your cute little ass back in your chair and take it. Take his tongue battering your insides, take his clit sucking gentle AND rough of course take his mouth just slurping up and down your fat lil’ cunt, take him gently suckling and kissing your labia, take the vibrations as he groans and moans in satisfaction with how sweet n tangy your pussy tastes,,

The other cafe-goers are nonethewiser to your plight of pleasure, just mingling and carrying on about their day while this man eats your cunt so good and Christ, youdontevenknowwhoheis—

Having to hold or weaken your moans to avoid being detected by the other customers but still a few low “a-ah..” “mMh-!” and “oh god, o-oh shit—“ manage to escape you,, fingers alternating from gripping your seat to his head

And when you cum? It’s so slow it’s almost painful.

you could feel the tensing in your stomach, your breaths getting quicker and quicker, he can feel your cute little fingers steadily tapping against his head cause

“‘m g’nna cream, please—“

“oh god please, don’t-“

“S-sir—“

“stO—“

and he just goes faster cause he knows you can’t handle it but he’s gonna make you, he needs this—

he goes faster and rougher and harder and oh mygOD—

using your book as a facemask, cause god this is so humiliating, Oda can’t help but chuckle as you clench and clench around his mouth, dampening—

No, drenching his face in your cum.

Low, little whimpers and cries fill his ears as he soothes you through your orgasm, quickening when he overstimulates you by cleaning your sweet little cunt up with his tongue; long n tough hands reaching and down your body to ground you. A pinch to your brown nipples, a kiss to your inner thighs, an almost comforting grip to your hips, a nip, kiss AND a suck to your cute pudgy tummy, you’re like heaven to him. A goddess on earth..

He gives a quick little nip and suck to your puffy clit and leaves as swiftly as he came...

You however, had to take more than a minute to try and recouperate from that assault on your senses...

Luckily a nice, auburn haired man was there to help you out :)

should’ve gotten his number tho 🚶🏽‍♀️

HELLO?? NO ACTUALLY WHAT THE FUCK I’M—

i saw this right when i got home and my knees BUCKLED when i was walking up the driveway. i don’t even know how to explain how much i adored this holy shit what the f—THE DESCRIPTION. THE. THE PART ABOUT HIM IMAGINING YOUR PUSSY N HOW YOU’D SOUND. T-TH. T. THE PART ABOUT HIS HEAD OUTLINED IN YOUR SKIRT. THE PART DESCRIBING HOW HE EATS YOU OUT. THE WA. T. THE WAY HE CALMED YOU DOWN AFTER YOUR ORGASM. i’m gonna SCREAM.

“i’m being nice right now, this can get much worse” HELLO?????? i can’t even add anything to this, this is PERFECTION. you feed me so well i wanna give you a kith <3

[hypnobyl]

could you do some fic about swanqueen.. like where regina and emma are friends but secretly have feelings for each other and one of them confesses after having too much wine?

also wanna ask if you have any advice or starting to write fics? i’ve found that i just really like to rush when writing and find myself in writers block a lot because i always want to get to the point and the exciting stuff. also just suck at wording things and writing in general lol

I thought a lot about your question. What I did was just write a lot of little short things. Not everything has to be a novel. If you have a huge idea and get stuck on exciting moments, follow that passion and write those moments first. Build from whatever inspiration you have.

So, write a bunch of really short things, just little moments, to get the hang of your style and voice. It's a great way to practice wording. If you ever want prompts for these moments, hit me up!

And if any of those little pieces strike a chord with you, start asking how did the characters get there? Where are they going? And build the context from there.

---

“I would not have guessed you’d be into this sort of movie,” Emma said between bites of popcorn—the snack, too, was surprising: buttery, salty, and totally unhealthy. She couldn’t quite parse how the woman who limited Henry’s fast-food intake was so enthusiastically enjoying a microwaved bag of heart-attack fuel.

“I’m full of surprises, dear.”

Regina likely hadn’t meant that to sound flirty. Like, definitely hadn’t. Emma stared at the television screen, a piece of popcorn held in front of her lips for a moment too long. In the few short months that she’d been coming over on Friday nights for movies and drinks, she’d been forced to confront the fluttering of her emotions caused by Regina’s attention. But now, she realized her feelings were taking too much control. She was seeing and hearing what she wanted, not actual reality.

“Definitely,” she replied after tossing the popcorn into her mouth and crunching away. “You’re very mysterious.”

“Sarcasm?”

She glanced over and caught Regina’s wry smirk. “Oh, no, definitely not.”

They returned to the movie, and Emma gnawed on her lower lip as she tried to banish the enticing image of Regina being happy. She didn’t offer up genuine smiles often, although Emma was seeing more of them lately. Of course, Henry could evoke them at the drop of a hat, but Emma found various ways of provoking positive responses—like texting silly emojis during meetings and bringing a bag of Skittles on tough days.

An explosion flashed on the screen, and Emma attempted rather futilely to refocus on the plot. She reached for another handful of popcorn and brushed against Regina’s hand. The small touch jolted through her, and her mind dove back into reassessing each of their interactions.

She cleared her throat. “I think it’s time to break open the wine.”

Regina stood to fetch the bottle from the fridge, and Emma followed after to snag a few glasses from a cabinet. She knew her way around Regina’s kitchen by now, and they moved around each other with practiced ease. Regina shifted behind her, placing a hand just over her lower back to establish her position and presence, and Emma hated how much she felt at home.

She was too sober.

“You got the white I like,” Emma noted as she placed the glasses on the counter.

Regina huffed. “I thought a safe pick was better after the faces you made last week after each sip.”

While Emma hoped this was some sign that Regina paid attention to her wants and needs, she took Regina’s explanation at face value. It was more likely that Regina wanted to avoid her acting out. Whatever the reason, she was grateful for the kindness because she could all but chug her glass without wanting to scrape the taste from her tongue.

“Thirsty, hm?”

“That popcorn was super salty.” Emma could feel the warmth already spreading through her, and some of the tension bled away. “Super good, too, but that salt, y’know?”

“Perhaps some water would have been a better choice, then.”

“No, wine is good,” she said too quickly. “Super good.”

Regina gestured back to the living room. “Shall we?”

“Oh, yeah, sure.”

As the movie crept toward its climax, Emma downed another glass. Feeling bolder, she scooted a little closer on the pretext of easier access to the bowl of popcorn. Their thighs came into contact, and Emma tried to sit as still as possible to avoid drawing attention. She really didn’t want Regina to inch away.

The main character delivered a powerful line before enacting a magnificent feat of physical prowess, and Regina snorted. Emma echoed the noise, which sparked more of a real laugh. Despite the movie’s tension, they laughed, and Emma tossed a bit of popcorn across the centimeters between them. It landed in Regina’s cleavage, and the wine helped Emma decide to try and retrieve the food. By the time her brain caught up with her actions, she had her hand down Regina’s shirt.

“Oh, shit, I’m sorry.”

She jerked her hand away, leaving Regina’s blouse tugged low to reveal the edge of a lacy black bra. Stop staring, she commanded herself. Please, she amended a moment later when her eyes refused to travel back to Regina’s face. Everything felt very warm.

“Emma?”

“Yeah?”

Regina gingerly adjusted her blouse, and Emma finally looked up.

“I think you’ve had too much to drink.”

Emma’s emotions tumbled around her stomach, sloshing through the alcohol and getting mired in past pain. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to be a burden. I’ll go.”

Regina’s hand settled on her knee, effectively holding her down with the barest of touches. “You’re not a burden.”

Lip trembling, Emma shrugged. “It’s okay. I’ll—It’s…”

“What’s upsetting you?” Regina paused the movie and turned to better look Emma in the eyes. “I may poke fun at the cricket, but his advice has… it’s helped a good deal. I need to better express myself, or so he says. I enjoy our evenings together, but I’ve noticed you’ve become jumpy as of late. Have I done something to cause you to drink more? Do you need to be drunk to bear my company?”

“No!” Emma shook her head too fast, causing the room to spin. “I just…”

“You just?”

“You’re so hot.” Her face flushed bright red, but she was too unsteady to get to her feet and flee the emotional moment, like she wanted to. Instead, she let her verbal vomit fly. “That’s like too rude, but it’s true. I like you. Like a lot. And I want you to want me, and my brain is like reading everything too much. Between the lines, or whatever. I don’t even really watch the movies anymore. I can’t. I’m just thinking and thinking about like oh god, our hands touched, and you did your make up so good and your lipstick is so red and I can’t stop looking at your lips and what if we kissed?”

To stop the flow, Regina answered the question by leaning in. Because she interrupted Emma’s tirade, the kiss was mostly teeth at first, but Emma was quick to shut up.

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP Meme from “What’s Your Favorite Movie Quote?” thread on Reddit, Part Six

“Well, let's not start sucking each other's dicks quite yet.” "Some men just want to watch the world burn." "I can get a good look at a steak by sticking my head up a bull’s ass, but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it." ‘I don't advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hairs are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos, and transmit them directly into you brain! This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.” “Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.” "Whatcha gonna need the stupid fuckin rope for?" “ This job would be great, if it wasn’t for the fuckin’ customers” “When the fuck did we get ice cream?“ "You are not a unique and beautiful snowflake." “You're born, you take shit. You get out in the world, you take more shit. You climb a little higher, you take less shit. Till one day you're up in the rarefied atmosphere and you've forgotten what shit even looks like.” ‘You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” “Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends.” “Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” “I didn’t know you could read” “A thing isn’t beautiful because it lasts.” "I really thought that one was going to explode" "We used to look up at the sky and wonder at our place in the stars, Now we just look down and worry about our place in the dirt." "Go ahead. Make my day." "Maybe I'll just sit here and bleed at you" “If you’re nothing without the suit, then you didn’t deserve it in the first place” “I don’t like bullies” ‘If it bleeds, we can kill it.“ “Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.” "You're not so tough without your car, are ya?" “Come quietly, or there will be trouble.” “You’ll get nothing and like it!” “If you shined a blacklight in here, this place would look like a Jackson Pollock painting“ “True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend” “Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car.“ “Get on your knees and tell me you love me.” “To love another person is to see the face of god” “If I don’t get some good leads soon you’re all going to be demoted to something that’s gonna require touching shit with your hands.” “It’s easy to grin, when your ships come in, and you’ve got the stock market beat. But the man worthwhile, is a man who can smile, when his parts are too tight for his seat.“ “I got two things in this world, my word and my balls, and I don’t break ‘em for nobody.” “You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity." “I ain’t got time to bleed” “ When you are a man, sometimes you wear stretchy pants in your room. It's for fun." "Boy, the next word that comes out of your mouth better be some brilliant fuckin Mark Twain shit, 'cause it's definitely getting chiseled on your tombstone." "Did we just become best friends?" "When I'm around you, I kind of feel like I'm on drugs. Not that I do drugs. Unless you do drugs, in which case I do them all the time." “If you ride like lightning you’re gonna crash like thunder” “There is no fate but what we make for ourselves.” “I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you.” “We’re all prostitutes. We’re just selling different parts of ourselves” “Hold on to your butts.” "Did you ever notice how in the Bible, when ever God needed to punish someone, or make an example, or whenever God needed a killing, he sent an angel? Did you ever wonder what a creature like that must be like? A whole existence spent praising your God, but always with one wing dipped in blood. Would you ever really want to see an angel?" “Nostalgia is denial - denial of the painful present. The name for this denial is golden age thinking - the erroneous notion that a different time period is better than the one ones living in - its a flaw in the romantic imagination of those people who find it difficult to cope with the present.” "Shut your fucking face uncle fucker.” “ You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I'm talking about a scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP!” “This is your life, and it’s ending one moment at a time.” "I feel like a little worm on a big fucking hook." “We have no great war. No great depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives.” "What's the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?" “Back, you weird fucker” “ The illusions of division threatens our very existence. “ “Hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it.“ “You want sympathy - look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis, that’s where you’ll find my sympathy.” “I’ll see you in another life when we are both cats.” “It’s not what you know, it’s what you can prove.” "I guess I'm just looking for a meaningful relationship with someone special" “I’m not crazy, I just don’t give a fuck.”

[canenotabeltofunction]

Does anyone else have the problem of just-

Not being able to hold a hobby?

And when I say that I mean, I have a lot of hobbies, I like art, I like to make candles, and soap, I like writing, I like D&D, I like reading, etc-

But it’s like I can literally only balance doing one or two of them within a 2 month period.

It’s not like my hobbies change or I don’t like them anymore. It’s more that I will obsess over 1 or 2 hobbies for two months and then I switch back to some other hobby or hobbies that I’m interested in.

Like when I focus on painting I will find lots of references, organize all my paints, try new techniques, literally paint for hours every day and won’t even open my D&D campaign for 2 months.

Then when it switches I might focus on my D&D campaign and work on stats, background stories, enemies, storylines, etc. and I won’t paint hardly at all unless someone requests something. (I do art commissions btw HERE)

Even trying to balance my witchcraft practice with my hobbies is tough because it’s kind of all or nothing with me. Either I spend hours researching and crafting spells and doing workings or I MIGHT pull a tarot card or two once a week. There’s no in between.

Like I can’t just casually go play Skyrim for an hour and then read a few chapters of a book. I have to play Skyrim for hours or read an entire novel. I don’t know how to just casually enjoy something and it sucks.

And it’s frustrating cause on the outside it seems like I’m changing hobbies all the time but I’m not just starting one and completely giving up- I just literally cannot focus on more than one at a time.

Like the other hobbies are still enjoyable I guess. I MIGHT design a candle or maybe write out a character blurb but I usually can’t make myself do more than that if it’s not the hobby I’ve fixated on that month.

Does anyone else have this problem? Is this an ADD thing? Am I just broken? Is this weird?

[threeeyesslitthroat]

So I watched Chaos Walking(2021)

Yeah, lucky for me, my local theater was open and showing(side note, I love my local theater so much. Like, not to brag but seven dollars for a movie and a snack is so great)

Anyhow, I watched Chaos walking. This is sort of my review. 

First off, I read The Knife of Never Letting Go and one third of The Ask and Answer, almost two years ago. When they finally dropped the release date and the trailer, i made the choice not to go reread the first book because i wanted to give the movie a chance and make an exercise of managing my expectations(in preparation for Disney’s Percy Jackson adaptation). Which means not only do I not have a complete understanding of the source material, but I also have a shit memory, so I don’t have a great shot at analyzing this films in adaptation terms, but i’m gonna try anyhow.

So first off, The Noise.

I found it a bit sketchy that they decided to make the make Noise have visual elements alongside audio but I decided it was fine, since it be pretty hard to bring this to life with only just audio and not make general audiences confused.

But they did try and do a solid job. Minus not letting us hear the Noise of animals, which sucks. we do see the Noise of a Spackle, but briefly.

The part that really pisses me off is the final confrontation, when the Noise is treated like a Super Power. we see this when Todd scares Davy’s horse by conjuring up an image of big snake, when Mayor Prentiss tricks Viola into a false trap, when  Ben tricks everyone by pretending to give Viola up when in fact he’s buying Todd and the real Viola time to get away, and in the final, Todd distracts Prentiss by conjuring up the image of his mother(complete with bloody wounds) and the various women that died when he was a baby, which caused Prentiss to fall to his death.

I don’t know how the Noise is depicted in the later books, if it was anywhere remotely like this, but i know for sure it doesn’t happen in the first book, which the film is based on.

(Also, how the fuck does Todd know what his mum looks like, or any of the other women and how is he able to bring up their images so perfectly how is ANYONE ABLE REMEMBER SOMEONE WITH THAT MUCH DETAIL That goes beyond photographic memory)

Second bit, the Spackle.

 The design is boring. Its clearly an alien, buts its dark grey, tall, holds its own when Todd attacks it in the film, has zero impact on the film as a whole and pretty boring. I do recall reading the book and imagining them to have faces similar to real world lemurs or Sloths, with big expressive eyes and such, but the CGI monster doesn’t emote for shit in this film. Todd comes at with a knife with every intention of killing it and it shrugs him off and walks away like it wasn’t fucking attacked my gods.

But in short, they only brought up the Spackle because they’re a thing in the world and it teased the bigger concepts of the next books with like, one measly exchange between Todd and Viola. (it went something like this)

Viola:We’re the aliens, though. They’re the natives.

Todd: huh.

Third bit, New World itself. Not a big deal, It looked like how i originally imagined it, no mention of swamp apples, though we see Todd Hewitt use a knife to stab a big ass bug thing for food. i hear some critics consider it lame that the planet isn’t actually alien but eh, whatever, Didn’t really feel an alien vibe reading the book so it doesn’t matter. 

Now there’s one bit i have to acknowledge in passing. At one point Todd decides to go get lunch by going into the water with his knife and wrestles with some big ass thing with tentacles. Which is fine, just have a couple of questions.

A: is this in reference to the books? Where there big ass tentacle creatures in the novel that are hunted for lunch?

B:if not, was this the film makers deciding to remind the viewers that yes, they are not on planet earth and to make Todd look cooler and justify why he’s useful for the quest and show how much Viola doesn’t know?

I kinda have to acknowledge the thing.  In that scene, Todd and Viola take a break, and Todd removes his clothes (all of them) and decides to go hunting in the water naked as the day he was born. You may have noticed that the Tom Holland stans are all over this scene because One) the camera focuses on Tom Hollands muscles when he takes his top off and Two) one can see his bare ass in the distance. 

Not a big fan off this, just find it interesting because its the most recent example of a Male being objectified by the camera when this never happens once to any of the female characters in the film, including Viola. Also, a touch of weird character detailing because haha, get it? Boy’s never seen a girl before in his life and doesn’t know what modesty means.

Also, very weird because Todd Hewitt in the book was so fucking self conscious that he would never have done that. 

Now I gotta talk about the characters.

( i understand why they aged them up, i truly do, better to get established actors instead of child actors that could more easily break to movie than sell it. its easier to make movies with legal adults instead of working with child labor laws. but damn it you lose so much of the fucking nuance of the novel when you age them up. There’s so much shit that makes an impact because of how young they are. Around the ages of eleven and twelve is when ones understanding of good and evil has its foundation, to me it was like the story was grappling with Todd Hewitt’s very soul and you lose so much of that when you change it to them being older because instead of being just kids in fucked up situations its younger adults in messed up situations. Like ugh. and aging them up leads to even more problems but we’ll fucking get to that)

Tom Holland’s Todd Hewitt is not the Todd Hewitt of the novel. He just ain’t. There is nothing there that reminds of the boy. The acting is solid, don’t get me wrong, but it just ain’t the Todd Hewitt i remember. Neither is Daisy Ridley’s Viola Eade.

(excuse me while i get Percy Jackson flashbacks)

Now, I have to acknowledge the fact that neither actor(actually none of the actors in this film) slouch on the job. They bring solid and at times very good acting.(If Tom Holland is in the film, its not going to be complete waste of time. He brings quality.)

Honestly, respect to Mr Holland because he was basically the main character, not only acting but also doing voice  and various stunts(also huge credit to the stunt coordinators and stuntmen) and I heard that filming wasn’t that great and bloody broke his nose how many times like damn boy, hats off to you.

But here’s the thing. I don’t want to say that Holland was playing himself or just a version of peter Parker, because i really don’t think he wasn’t but it just. Didn’t feel like a legit character? Especially when compared to the novel. Like Todd Hewitt in the novel is such a raw force of emotion and such a smartass and i was so looking forward for Holland to own this role but in the movie he just? Awkward dude going through some stuff?

but yeah, Holland works his ass off and there are some scenes and moments in the movie that work just because this fellow is just that charming, so (shrug emoji) like i said, He doesn’t waste your time at least.

Ridley....sigh. i know this woman can act. But next to the character who’s thoughts are heard constantly she’s very boring. And it hurts so much because Viola has an actual personality in the novel like; I’m ninety percent sure that Viola hits Todd with a big stick and I do remember that there were multiple moments where she lets Todd know when he’s being a dumbass.(seriously, i may have a shit memory of the book, but i do remember that they play off each other well and hugely entertaining seeing two twelve-year-olds handle the shit getting thrown at them)

Like, Viola in the film doesn’t really have much going on. We see the crash, we hear about the graves she dug herself, we see her be sad, we see her look at Todd like weirdo, we see her look horrified or shocked. (its so sad that I only remember the facial expressions more clearly than the actual dialogue) We really have no idea what the hell is going on with Viola Eade. I don’t think we can blame Ridley, only the film makers, because how can you see Viola Eade in the novel and then turn her into that????

i do have to talk about the relationship between Tom Holland’s Todd Hewitt and Daisy Ridley’s Viola Eade, even though its painful. In the novel, them is just two kids on a really tough adventure.  Because they aged them up, its not two kids old enough to run for the playground when recess starts. Its Teenagers. 

First question, HOW OLD ARE THEY??? Is Todd sixteen? Eighteen? Seventeen? He sure as hell ain’t Thirteen in this. What about Viola? I mean, big shout out to the hair and makeup team for making 28-year-old Daisy Ridley look so much younger but how. OLD. IS.SHE? Nineteen? Twenty? Twenty-one? Pretty sure she’s older than him in this? I ask because it MATTERS.

The way they play off each other has a vastly different energy to the novel because they are aged up. Its pretty obvious pretty fast that Todd’s feelings are basically a big crush, though not all of it is superficial as the film progresses. And Viola is clearly not receptive to that in the film. (honestly i cringed so hard at the “daydream kiss’ and whatever the hell that was in the Farbranch mayor’s house)

The relationship in the film just doesn’t have the nuance or the energy that the novel had in depicting their relationship which is depressing for all the Todd x Viola fans i’m sure. There’s some adorable bits though, like Viola seeing Todd’s dream of her playing with Manchee, and not so adorable canon bits like when Viola read the diary to Todd.

I’m just grateful that the film at least ended with them being friends instead of trying to force the romantic relationship. That right there is why I like the movie. It’s a crush, its used for a couple laughs, they’re friends, its fine. Even if you didn’t read the novel that’s really great for a movie in this day and age to not end with forcing two opposite sex characters into a relationship. To be honest, I like the idea that the film leaves us thinking that yeah, maybe these two could be real friends one day.

I just want to touch on Manchee real quick.

Manchee’s Noise is not seen or heard in the film. It is briefly acknowledged by Todd ins their first scene but other than that? Nada. Which is a low blow in comparison to the novel because Manchee was a character in his own right, which is why the death hit so hard. 

Todd?” he barks, confused and scared and watching me leave him behind. “Todd?” “Manchee!” I scream. Aaron brings his free hand towards my dog. “MANCHEE!” “Todd?” And Aaron wrenches his arms and there’s a CRACK and a scream and a cut-off yelp that tears my heart in two forever and forever. And the pain is too much it’s too much it’s too much and my hands are on my head and I’m rearing back and my mouth is open in a never-ending wordless wail of all the blackness that’s inside of me.”

in the film, it takes place in white rapids, So its chaotic, its awful, the veiwer’s all stressed out because Viola can’t swim, everyone's getting separated and Aaron’s there and he is seen drowning Manchee. 

Dude, its brief, but not pretty. Because you can see Manchee’s legs trashing above the water, struggling to get free. Aaron is drowning a dog, letting its lungs fill with water. For the folks that don’t like watching dogs die in graphic detail on screen, this isn’t great. 

Personally, I love this scene in the novel. Its the first time i had to put the book down and take a moment. It hit really close to home for me, because i watched my own dog die in real life. It was emotional and horrifying and had such a fucking impact because we could hear his thoughts. Todd had to make the choice to leave him behind to keep Viola safe. To be honest, i think the death is better in the novel, since Manchee basically dies instantly instead of drowning, which takes time(I’ve always assumed that his neck was snapped but I’ve heard others say it was the psine but whatever) it would have been easy and necessary for them to not show that on screen. I personally just think that in terms of depicting a violent death, the novel did a lot better.

Anyway, on to the other characters

(I had to choose the one with the big orange fluffy coat, and i couldn’t find a good pic og Ben and Cillian on google images.)

As for Mayor Prentiss, he’s played by Mads Mikkelsen, and he delivers. But for the most part, we don’t really know why he’s the bad guy, he just wants to get Viola because “she’s the key” which isn’t really explained, and at the end he tries his hardest to kill Todd. 

Because i only read the first book, I don’t know what exactly his character arc is. And since its been a really long while, I don’t remember what he’s like in the novel regardless, other than the cliffhanger ending.

I did take a quick crashcourse  through the wiki and it turns out that Todd and Prentiss have a relationship in the later books, which the film sort of touches on, because Todd looks up to Prentiss in the film from the get go. 

To be honest, I knew that the trilogy was a lot more complex, and even though I didn’t read the whole thing I knew it would be really disappointing for the fans to see the mayor be hollowed out to almost unrecognizable and not getting to see the whole picture on screen.

As for Davy Prentiss Jr., he was an asshole and stayed an asshole. I know he improves and gets killed off in the novels, so yeah, exhibit B of character foundations not being laid down because there isn’t gonna be a movie after this. Also, why is he played by Nick Jonas? Did they actually have more in mind for him when they decided to go with a Jonas brother or was it just star power? 

As for Aaron...don’t have much to say about him, other than just being pretty weird fit to the film. I think he’s after Viola because he’s just that full of delusions but other than that, his character is just flat and useless. (I wish to the gods that writers would actually think instead of going with “religious delusion” to explain insanity) He only brought tension in a few scenes for the most part. I’m pretty sure that in the novel Todd and Aaron have a confrontation, like the final fight of the novel, and I’m 90% sure that its where the Novel gets the Knife of never Letting Go as its title, because the knife is big deal at that point. But I guess they wanted Viola to have a quick boss battle for the ending and set him on fire. 

Ben and Cillian were fine. They did a good job, the actors were pretty great, I liked Cillian, and i like how they acknowledged that these dudes were family(i know that they’re gay and a couple but the film doesn’t say it outloud beyond letting them sleep in the same bed, be Todd’s parents, and having Ben hold Cillian in his arms) I get a kick out of the fact that the official reviews by Movie Critics are openly curious about why the film doesn’t make it more obvious that they’re gay, but whatever.

As for the overall plot, this is a fine example of mashing three books into one film and not having good results. Instead of going to Haven, the movie decided to shortcut the ending and go to the original ship that somehow has working tech but whatever, Viola needs to communicate to her ship. So not only do we not get the great relationship between Todd and Viola, not only do we not get the Spackle, Not only do we not get to see the noise of Manchee, not only do we have poor character adaptation, we also don’t get to have a plot that matches THE ONE BOOK THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO ADAPT. THEY HAD ONE FUCKING JOB AND THEY COULDN'T ADAPT THE ONE BOOK-

Its only so sad that they decided that this was going to be a one-shot deal because they didn’t have faith in the film and chose to have all the threads tied up. I mean, its so sad for the fans because the movie makes it very clear that we are not going to have anymore movies. sigh. 

slight respect towards the film makers for tying up all the story threads instead of leaving them hanging. they did a neat job, even if it wasn’t a great one.

Anyway, maybe later on when google images has more than the promotional material I’ll do a review of only the good stuff this movie did, even if its a sad pathetic failure of an adaptation. Anyway this review is a bit of a mess and already so long so i’ll stop now. 

May the gods give us strength against all the Tom Holland stans that will inevitably clog up the Chaos Walking tag with their Todd Hewitt x reader fanfics.

[fatalism-and-villainy]

☕️ talk to me about your svsss thoughts?

Oh man, SVSSS. I will say it’s probably my least favourite of the MXTX canon, but it is extremely fun. Honestly, the aspect of it that had the biggest impact on me was all the parodic commentary on webnovel fandom and its forum dramas. Like that first Airplane chapter with the long comment thread on PIDW just had me cackling from the accuracy of it (especially the whole “if you don’t like it then WHY DON’T YOU WRITE YOUR OWN, let’s see if you could do it better” “I don’t need to be able to do it to know it sucks” exchange, like wow, you broke every argument in the comments down to its bare essentials). All the snarky (self-)deprecating commentary in the narration on tropes and genre expectations and the constructed nature of fiction were delightful. (Have I ever mentioned that I have a deep and abiding affection for MXTX as a personality? Because I really do.) 

I also love the fact that so much of it is a commentary on certain fandom attitudes - like Shen Yuan is very much the kind of entitled fan who harasses creators (the fact that Shang Qinghua has nightmares about Shen Yuan yelling at him about his writing is funny, but also uhhh... telling), but there’s also a lot of pushback against simplistic moral impulses on the part of fandom. The subplot about Shen Jiu’s backstory (which Shang Qinghua omitted because readers wanted him to be a straightforward villain) is VERY much a statement about how circumstances influence behaviour (and fandom’s reluctance to contend with that, imo). Same with how Shen Qingqiu’s perception of Luo Binghe is handled - he’s so fixated on the future of Luo Binghe’s character arc (although for understandable self-preservation reasons) that he doesn’t realize how much he’s altered Luo Binghe’s character by treating him better, and that character isn’t deterministic and set in stone. As I’ve mentioned, I love the fact that the effect of his presence on Luo Binghe is very much in the usual MXTX vein of “the presence of absence of attention and care make a drastic difference in someone’s character,” except in this case there’s an added layer of “and sometimes it will cause their gay awakening.”

Also, the whole setup in which this extremely straight hypermasculine genre would be better and deeper if it were gay? MASSIVE POWER MOVE. Especially with the presence of that girl in the aforementioned PIDW forum shyly being like “uhm I wrote some SQQ/LBH slash if anyone wants to read?” This book is truly a vindication for slash fangirls and villain lovers everywhere. 

I also loved both the leads. Shen Qingqiu is delightful as a nerdy, extremely online personality who unwittingly ends up as a curmudgeonly but beloved mentor to a bunch of teenagers. The way the disciples at Qing Jing Peak grow attached to him with him barely being aware of it was one of my favourite parts and I really wish there had been more focus on it! The scene with both Ning Yingying AND Ming Fan crying after he’s come back to life is extremely sweet. Luo Binghe is also very very good... putting on a tough and cool persona when he’s actually a massive emotional mess who’s desperate for affection and validation. (He’s SO eager to please during his disciple days. “Do you like my cooking? Do you? Do you??? Please let me do this for you every day pls pls pls.”) And he gets jerked around so much! You have to feel for him!  

That said, while I do love the two main characters, the central romance doesn’t really land for me. I really do like Luo Binghe’s adolescent crush on Shen Qingqiu, and him having his gay awakening through the first authority figure to ever be nice to him. And I also like the “omg so cool!!” response to Luo Binghe-the-character that Shen Yuan has that could totally be sublimated gay feelings (@coldwind-shiningstars raised the possibility that he had a crush on Luo Binghe while he was reading the book, which I could see). But the way they actually come together in-story.... there’s a lot of Shen Qingqiu capitulating to what Luo Binghe wants and appeasing him (including in the novel’s climax!) without much regard for what he himself wants and is comfortable with, and it’s uncomfy for me. You can convince him that he has worth and that you’re not going to abandon him while also setting boundaries with him, you know? 

And Shen Qingqiu’s internalized homophobia runs so deep that after awhile his freak-out responses stop being funny and just start being sad. Wei Wuxian’s closetedness in MDZS is at least expressed through him taking genuine joy in plausible deniability flirting with Lan Wangji. Shen Qingqiu on the other hand is just grossed out by Luo Binghe’s feelings for him so much of the time. The extras suggest that he is genuinely attracted to and attached to him, but is just suuuuper repressed, but that being the case, I just come away feeling as if he’s not remotely ready for a relationship at all until he’s worked himself out more. And I kind of want Luo Binghe to just try dating other people.... given the amount of women who were swooning over him, there’s got to be a bunch of potential boyfriends in this world for him as well. He could even have more than one at once (like, he was the protagonist of a harem novel! why’s he gotta become monogamous just because he’s gay now? XD)

So yeah, I loved the main characters but didn’t love the love story. And the setting and plot felt pretty empty for me - I had trouble getting attached to any of the characters or potential side pairings. The one exception to this is Shang Qinghua/Mobei-jun, which is delightful for its “scary demon falls for the first person to ever tell him off” feature, but wasn’t integrated into the story well enough for me to feel strong emotions about it - it’s relegated to extras, and that it feels at a thematic remove from the rest of the story. That is to say, obviously Shang Qinghua being gay and not being able to express that in his writing choices is thematically central to the story (which makes the relegated-to-extras backstory for him unfortunate), but the specifics of his relationship to Mobei-jun don’t feel to me to parallel or offer commentary on the central relationship. Though it’s entirely possible that I’ve missed something there and just haven’t read the right meta yet. 

So, overall - it has a lot of individual aspects that I really like, it’s very funny in a lot of places, and I really appreciate what it’s doing thematically and with its meta aspects, but as a whole, it’s not entirely satisfying to me. 

[moonslust]

Thank you so much @killerqueenlux for tagging me <33333, I haven't even started but I can tell this is gonna be almost empty cause I know nothing about me.

MUSIC

fav genre? *screams into the void*

fav artist? Queen but also way too many people

fav song? White queen live at Hammersmith 1975 <3

most listened song recently? Live forever by Oasis

song currently stuck in your head? Howdown Aldi Death Queue by Sam Fender

5 fav lyrics Oh my god I have no idea...this would take me a lifetime

Radio or your own playlist | solo artists or bands | pop or indie | loud or silent volume I slow or fast songs | music video or lyrics video | speakers or headset | riding a bus in silence or while listening to music | driving in silence or with radio on

BOOKS

fav book genre? fuck...I barely read I don't even know what the genres are,,,,,,I hate this

fav writer? ????????? I'm just gonna say Oscar Wilde because I saw a statue of him once in Ireland which was pretty cool (ok I know some quotes but I still have to start reading his books)

fav book series? Casi Angeles counts??

comfort book? my diary but also this fic by beautyandbravery called "falling into your ocean eyes". I think of that fic whenever I'm sad sigh

perfect book to read on a rainy day? Larry fanfics

fav characters? Larry? This sucks.

5 quotes from your fav books that you know by heart?

Ok so these are from instagram :) I haven't read all the books but I know these quotes by heart.

- "Le temps d'apprendre à vivre il est déjà trop tard" which means "by the time we learn to live, it's already too late".

- "I don't know, poets are always taking the weather so personally. They're always sticking their emotions in things that have no emotions".

- "Eppure c'è una gioia, una gioia benedetta, una consolazione, proprio nel dolore" which means "and yet there's a joy, a blessed joy, a consolation, right in the pain".

- "No era una serpiente. Era yo, tal y como soy ahora. Las serpientes no hablan" which means "I wasn't a snake. I was me, just as I am now. Snakes don't talk". This is from a spanish fic called "Dancing with the devil", where Louis is the devil and falls in love with Harry...*sighs* I adored it so much I bought a physical copy of it.

- "The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you'll be free"...so true bestie.

hardcover or paperback | buy or rent | standalone novels or book series | ebook or physical copy | reading at night or during the day | reading at home or in nature | listening to music while reading or reading in silence | reading in order or reading the ending first | reliable or unreliable narrator what does this mean? | realism or fantasy | one or multiple POVS | judging by the covers or by the summary | rereading or reading just once

TV AND MOVIES

fav tv/movie genre? Rom-coms? But also Horror or Crime and mistery

fav movie? oof, tough one, I'd say...Alice in Wonderland

comfort movie? Rapunzel but Luca just made it to the list too

movie you watch every year? It's gotta be an Adam Sandler one

fav tv show? Friends, is it a tv show? Man I don't know shit...

comfort tv show? Friends

most rewatched tv show? Friends

ultimate otp? Rapunzel and Eugene

5 fav characters? my head is burning from thinking I'm sorry, I basically do things and forget all about them in life.

tv shows or movies | short seasons (8-13 episodes) or full seasons (22 episodes or more) | one episode a week or binging | one season or multiple seasons | one part or saga | half hour or one hour long episodes | subtitles on or off | rewatching or watching just once | downloads or watches online

I tag whoever wants to do this :)

[blackcloverdatabase]

English Translation of Novel 3: Chapter 4 – The Hero Who Disappeared (Part 1 of 2)

I’m saving the illustration that came with this chapter for the second half since it illustrates a scene near the end, but what you see above is a picture of a Yuno card that was tucked into the pages of this chapter. The other novels didn’t come with a card, so I was surprised when I saw it.

This chapter features Yuno and William going on patrol at a festival William organizes a few days before the raid on the Eye of the Midnight Sun’s hideout. While on patrol, they run into Mereoleona, Asta, Noelle, Klaus, and Mimosa, and later they run into Yami and Charlotte. Chaos ensues.

--- The Hero Who Disappeared: Part 1 ---

“Welcome! For a limited time only, all magic tools are 50% off!”

“Hey, young lady! Would you like to drop by our store? I’ll make it nice and cheap for you~”

Under a clear, sunny sky, cheerful voices called out from the many stalls that were lined up as the townspeople walked among them with smiling faces. It was the square of the royal capital, the same place which served as the center of the Star Festival. Though not as large as the Star Festival, the square was filled with stalls and makeshift stages, offering the same amenities one would expect from a small festival. However, it wasn’t merchants who were manning these stalls.

“This is a magic tool endorsed by the captain of the Aqua Deer himself!! It’s a great security device!”

“This is a meat dish made by the captain of the Green Mantis! It’s delicious and nutritious!”

These stalls were manned by Magic Knights.

“This is quite the crowd~ There’s a lot of guests, but there’s a lot of Magic Knights, too.”

“Well, the Royal Knights Selection Exam is over, and……”

Bell and Yuno conversed as they walked among the crowd. They came here today because they were ordered to patrol the event. The Magic Knights were given various tasks to run the festival, ranging from selling things at the stalls, performing short skits and games on stage, as well as handling background tasks such as patrolling and clerical work. This may seem like a strange spectacle, but there was a reason why this was happening.

“Most importantly, this was a direct announcement from Captain Vangeance. Of course a lot of people are going to gather.”

That’s right. Vangeance proposed this event to assuage the unease the citizens had thanks to repeated attacks from the Eye of the Midnight Sun and the circulation of the “Original Sin”. Yuno heard that he simply “requested cooperation” from those who belonged to the other squads, but with his personal magnetism, this many people gathered in a heartbeat.

Bell sucked on a strawberry candy Yuno bought for her and happily quipped,

“Hm~ Well, I don’t really get it, but thanks to this, I get to go on a festival date with you!”

“This event isn’t for you to have fun. It’s for the citizens.”

“……No, one of the reasons I established this festival was to give the Magic Knights a break and allow them a chance to interact with the people. It would make me very happy if you and Bell enjoyed the festival, too.”

Startled by the sudden voice from behind, Yuno and Bell looked behind them to see William Vangeance standing with an air of composure. Vangeance was the captain of the Golden Dawn, and he was the man said to be the closest to becoming the Wizard King. That the hero of the Clover Kingdom was greeting him so casually in a place like this was surprising by itself, but……

“Hey, hey, Captain Vangeance! Let me borrow your mask~!”

“I asked first! I’m gonna pluck those feathers and put them on my bear!”

“………”

Yuno and Bell were also surprised to see two children, approximately 7 to 8 years old, clinging to that hero’s feet.

“……Captain Vangeance, those kids are……?”

“Yup, just as you see. It seems that they were interested in my mask, so they approached me, and…...”

From behind his mask, he answered Yuno’s question with his usual elegant smile……. No, rather than his usual smile, he answered with a considerably strained smile.

“……Anyway, can you please help me?”

“Jeez~ Why do we have to save our captain from getting bullied by a bunch of kids the very second we get here~”

“Stop that, Bell.”

“……Ha ha, sorry about that. I like kids, but I’m not very good at handling them.”

After Yuno and Bell managed to pull those children off of their captain, they continued their patrol together with Vangeance.  As if to regain his composure, Vangeance cleared his throat before speaking.

“Also, thank you for indulging my selfish request.”

“Selfish?”

When Yuno asked him this in return, Vangeance had a complicated expression on his face as he nodded.

“Though the Selection Exam may be over, the day you will be launching a surprise attack on the Eye of the Midnight Sun’s base is imminent. I’m thanking you because you came to my event during such an important time.”

“……I don’t think you’re being selfish at all.”

As he spoke, Yuno looked at all the people around him.

“I’m sure those children felt the same way. The townspeople all look like they’re having fun interacting with the Magic Knights like this. There has just been one horrible incident after another, so isn’t it fine to do something fun like this every once and a while?”

From the citizens’ point of view, this was a rare chance to interact so closely with the Magic Knights, the heroes that all citizens strive to become. That by itself makes this event enjoyable for them. Even the anxieties caused by the Eye of the Midnight Sun and Original Sin will be lessened to some degree.

“……I see. I’m happy to hear that from you.”

Vangeance replied, looking a little bit happy when he smiled. Yuno nodded before continuing,

“Also, just as you were saying earlier, the Magic Knights also look like they’re having fun.”

The faces of the Knights manning the stalls looked even more lively than usual. Being a Magic Knight is usually a tough job, so this was probably incredibly relaxing for them. Today looks to be a fun day for Magic Knights and citizens alike. That’s what Yuno thought, but……

“Yeah. It would be nice if today ended as nothing more than a fun day…...”

Vangeance said with a mysterious look on his face before lowering his voice so that only Yuno and Bell could hear him.

“There’s something I must tell you…… it has been reported that a person in possession of the Original Sin may have infiltrated today’s event.”

“!!”

They stiffened upon having such a serious matter suddenly disclosed to them.

“…Wait, w-what! We should evacuate everyone immed-!”

Bell raised her voice in a panic, but Yuno covered her mouth before Vangeance continued,

“I would very much like to do that, but if we do that so suddenly, everyone will panic, which may fuel the Original Sin. Also, this is only a possibility. We should gather more intel before making any large-scale moves.”

‘Even so, it’s dangerous to leave such a thing alone,’ Yuno thought, but he couldn’t come up with an alternative. To begin with, that information was too vague, so there was no way to know what move they should make. If there’s one thing they should do, it’s……

“In other words, we have no choice but to continue patrolling while searching for the Original Sin…… right?”

“That’s correct. I should also add that very few Magic Knights know about this. If too many people knew, our movements might begin to look unnatural, which could expose us to the owner of the Original Sin…… You two have more experiencing fighting the Original Sin than anyone else, so I decided I should tell you.”

Yuno still wasn’t satisfied, but he knew that there was no helping that.

“I understand. Is there anything else we know about the enemy?”

“Yes. You really do catch on quickly. I’ll tell you the details as we walk.”

After saying this, Vangeance’s voice once again sounded apologetic.

“I know I keep saying this, but I’m truly sorry about getting you involved in all this. I wanted you to be able to enjoy today’s event, too, so for this to happen is…...”

“There’s no helping that. It’s not like it’s your fault……”

If anything, he might be the most hurt by this. Any time he wasn’t busy with his duties as Captain was spent preparing for today’s event, only for all that to be spoiled by the Original Sin. Yuno meant for his words to be sympathetic, but, for some reason, Vangeance paused for an unnatural amount of time before finally responding,

“……Yeah, you’re right.”

He almost sounded as if he was at a loss for words when he said this, making Yuno feel uneasy. Then, suddenly,

“S-someone, anyone!! Please save me!!”

Boosted by amplification magic, a woman’s screams resounded throughout the venue.

It sounded like the scream came from the direction of the stage where the results of the Star Festival were announced. The scream’s timing was so uncanny that Yuno and the others raced to the stage as they prepared for battle. And, when they reached the front row of the stage……

“I’m a village girl named Mimosa!! I’m being chased by evil mages!!”

What they saw was Mimosa running around on stage, reading her lines with an unbelievably monotone voice. Then, several other Magic Knights went on stage, some acting as evil mages chasing Mimosa and others moving the background scenery around. It seemed that they stumbled upon a children’s play. After sighing with a bitter smile, Vangeance joked,  

“Ha ha, their timing was amazing…... Wait, it could be that these “evil mages” are being manipulated by the owner of the Original Sin.”

“If that were the case, it sure would make things easier for us.”

Yuno replied to his joke lightheartedly, but he, too, was smiling bitterly internally. The play’s timing was certainly bad, but it released the tension that was between them earlier, so he was honestly glad that it happened. Also, watching swarms of young children tottle around the stage as the play began brought a smile to his face. To protect those children’s smiles, they should arrest the Original Sin as soon as possible. Holding these feelings close to his heart, Yuno turned away from the stage to leave. At that moment, Mimosa pointed to the wing of the stage and said,

“Ah, it looks like someone came to save me! It must be the Magic Knight of Justice!”

The children started cheering with excitement at the words “Magic Knight of Justice”. Amidst those cheers, the person who entered on stage as that “Magic Knight of Justice” was……

“……Wait, look, Asta! That’s your cue! Get over there right now!”

“………Huh? My cue? What should I do?”

“………”

The Magic Knight of Justice was Asta, who made his long-awaited debut on stage…… or rather, he was dragged onto stage by Noelle with an even dumber look on his face than usual, so dumb that it was practically audible. It was like watching an old man, causing Bell to, without thinking, talk to Noelle from beneath the stage.

“Hey, Noelle…… what…… that is, why is he acting like an old man?”

“U-uh……I don’t really know, either……”

Noelle said with a sigh, sorrow hanging around her like a wife exhausted from taking care of her aging husband.

“The shock of being unable to fight Yuno in the finals of the Selection Exam turned him into this, and……”

“And so… he turned into that……?”

That explanation didn’t make sense to Bell and Yuno, and it didn’t make sense to Noelle, the person doing the explaining, either. It was a mystery to everyone. When Asta noticed Yuno, he spoke to him as if he were going senile.

“Aah, Yuno…… perfect timing. Can you replace me as the Magic Knight of Justice? Since you got first place at the Selection Exam, you’d be a better fit for the role…… Ah, sorry, should I use ‘Mr.’ when I speak to you?”

“Stop that. That kind of subservience doesn’t suit you. Hurry up and snap out of it.”

“After you defeat the villain, you have to shout your usual catchphrase. So, after you beat the enemy, you should yell “I’m Yuno, you know!?”.”

“Even your memory is all messed up. I’ve never said such a lame catchphrase in my life.”

While Yuno and Asta where bickering, the audience started getting antsy. It was only natural. They were told that the Magic Knight of Justice was coming, and they got some guy acting like an old man. Wanting to fix the now awkward atmosphere, Mimosa said in a panic,

“E-everyone! You’ll see this in the next act, but since Asta has gotten himself into a pinch, a new Magic Knight of Justice will rush to the scene! The person playing this role is a very famous captain of the Magic Knights! Also, we’ve made arrangements for all you little ones to be able to get on stage and fight the evil mages alongside them, so please don’t leave yet!”

“You’re being too desperate! Also, stop saying things like “role” and “arrangements”!”

Bell criticized Mimosa, but, despite her criticism, the kids were showing excitement once again.

“Cooool! We get to meet a Captain!”

“Hey, papa! Take me closer to the front! I wanna fight, too!”

Tiny voices piped up here and there as more and more children gathered at the bottom of the stage. It seemed that the title “Captain” wasn’t just for show after all. Not letting this chance pass them by, Klaus instructed Mimosa from behind the stage to have the children call for the captain.  Mimosa nodded, then turned toward the audience and exclaimed,

“Now, everyone! Let’s call for the captain with our loudest voices!! Ready, set…”

Mimosa counted down, then all the children in the assembly hall shouted together. The one who was summoned by those sweet voices was……

“WAH-HAH-HAAH! DO NOT WORRY, LITTLE VILLAGE GIRL! I, MEREOLEONA-SAMA, THE MAGIC KNIGHT OF JUSTICE, WILL DEVOUR ALL THOSE EVIL MAGES FOR YOU WITHOUT LEAVING A SINGLE TRACE!!”

“………”

A lioness. She walked on stage with a swagger and spoke in an intimidating tone as she laughed aloud. She was far from what a “Magic Knight of Justice” should look like. The children’s smiles froze, and they began to shiver with fear. Not seeming to notice this, she surveyed the audience with stone cold eyes and then, with a ferocious smirk, said,

“Ho hoh….. We have a lot of good kids here! Which of you friends are ready to fight beside me!? Is it you!? Is it YOU!?”

“Please wait for a moment, Mereoleona. I think you might be misunderstanding something here……”

Vangeance couldn’t help but interject fairly loudly from the bottom of the stage. He was aware that interjecting like this was incredibly out of character for him, but, at this rate, the reputation of the Magic Knights will be significantly damaged. Mereoleona had no way of knowing his thoughts, so she flared up into a fiery rage at him.

“You bastard…… are you insane, Vangeance!?  Talking to a performer who’s in the middle of their act on stage like that! Have you no manners!?”

“Well, from those children’s point of view, something much worse was happening right in front of them. Could you make your performance a little more kid friendly?”

“You fool! Are you saying I should hold back just because they’re kids!? A Magic Knight should always use all their power, no matter what!”

“Yes, I know. I know, so use all your power to imagine this for just one moment. Imagine that you’ve been told the “Magic Knight of Justice” is coming, but instead you get a “maniac with stone cold eyes”. Now, how would you feel about that?”

While the two were engaged in their progress-less exchange, Klaus approached them from the back of the stage and, with his fingers at his temple, informed them,

“……I’m sorry, you two. The play has been canceled. Let’s start working on cleaning everything up.”

“Cancelled…… hey, wait a second! What about all the kids who were looking forward to the play!”

While Bell was protesting, Klaus pointed his finger behind everyone and said,

“……And, where are those children you speak of?”

“Ah……”

Before they knew it, the audience had disappeared from their seats. They must have seen their chance to escape when Vangeance spoke up to Mereoleona. The parents in the audience took their kids and fled, almost as if they were escaping the clutches of a lioness. When Mereoleona noticed that her audience had disappeared, she punched the ground in vexation.

“Tch…… I’m sorry, everyone!! Though Vangeance was wrong for spouting off idiotic nonsense, the fact remains that I’m the one that allowed him to dampen the audience’s enthusiasm and cause them to leave! This is all my fault!”

“Um, Mereoleona, this is hard for me to say, but you’re absolutely right about it being your fault. Except, I’m not in the wrong. I’m not even saying this out of some sense of self-protection. I’m simply not in the wrong here.”

Mereoleona stood up with renewed determination, completely ignoring Vangeance’s protests.

“However, another audience will gather soon, so don’t worry! I’ll make up for my blunder with my own two hands!”

She proclaimed loudly. Then, she declared so stupidly loud that Yuno wouldn’t be surprised if the entire venue could hear her,

“Listen up, people! From now on, I will teach you all how to defend yourselves by burning your opponents! I’m about to demonstrate by using the other Magic Knights here as my opponents during the show, so you all should gather around the stage!!”

And so, everyone there had to use all their might to stop her.

  “……That was quite dangerous.”

“……Yes. Well, let’s just be glad the Original Sin never got involved in the fight.”

“……I’m still not glad about it.”

Said Vangeance, Yuno, then Bell as they continued their patrol. Their first interaction with her was tiring enough, but stopping Mereoleona’s rampage used up all their physical strength. After telling her the Original Sin might be at the venue, they somehow managed to calm her down, but that was only after everyone exhausted several days’ worth of energy stopping her. Yuno wanted nothing more than to go home, lie down, and rest, but he couldn’t say that out loud, so he forcibly distracted himself by asking Vangeance,

“So, do you know anything else about the Original Sin?”

“……Ah, sorry. That’s right. We were just talking about that.”

Their discussion, which had been nearly forgotten because of the impact the lioness left on them, resumed.

“First of all, we know the Original Sin is here because several Knights who have had run-ins with the Original Sin before have sensed its mana at this venue. However, its presence is so weak that we can’t pinpoint its location unless we can get several magic detection specialists in a concentrated area.”

“I see…… but, if that’s the case, can’t we narrow down its location by following the source of its mana?”

“Of course, we have tried that, but it seems that its mana is incredibly unstable, so it repeatedly appears and disappears. That’s why it’s difficult to pinpoint with mana perception alone. If we could narrow down the number of suspects to only a few people, then……”

“Is that so……?”

Yuno contemplated Vangeance’s words. The other times he has faced the Original Sin, being able to sense mana was a powerful advantage, but it’s a useless skill if that mana cannot be followed. As before, the only way to guarantee victory will be to make direct contact with the owner of the Original Sin and destroy it.

‘With so many people here, will that even be possible……?’ Yuno thought with a troubled face. While he was thinking, Vangeance pointed to a corner of the assembly hall and said,

“Speak of the devil…… He’s one of those who sensed the presence of the Original Sin.”

Where he pointed, several tables were lined up and spaced at equal intervals. There was a number of children using them to draw pictures. It appeared that one of the events at the festival was a drawing class. There was a man reclining in the corner who seemed to be in charge.

It was the Captain of the Black Bulls, Yami Sukehiro. When he noticed Vangeance, he raised his head from the art book he was reading and looked up toward them.

“……Oh, it’s golden weird mask guy. Hey, golden weird mask guy. Actually, golden weird mask guy is a pain in the ass to say. Can I stop?”

‘You’re the one who came up with that nickname, you know,’ Vangeance thought to himself with a bitter smile. He said as he watched the children,

“I was surprised when I heard you were doing an event geared toward children, but it looks like it’s going well.”

“Yeah. I was thinkin’ all I’d have to do is put out some paint and paper, and then I wouldn’t have to do anythin’ else, but a lot more kids gathered than I thought there’d be. I guess a cute guy like me summons more cuteness.”

Just as Yami said (?), there were many kids gathered around his corner, drawing and having fun as they talked with Magna Swing and Luck Voltia. There really was nothing but art supplies and paper on the table, and they could use it all free of charge. Perhaps it was that simplicity and ease of access that made his corner so popular. Its popularity probably had nothing to do with Yami’s “cuteness”. As Yuno was thinking such trivial thoughts, a boy and girl who were drawing toddled toward them.

“Ah! It’s Captain Vangeance!”

“Aah. Those two are the same kids as earlier…”

Bell nodded lightly.

‘Those two are the same kids who were bullying…… no, admiring Vangeance earlier. If I recall, their names were….’

“Hey, Al, Silka. Were you two drawing, too?”

Before Yuno could remember their names, Vangeance kneeled down and greeted them with a smile.

That’s right. The boy’s name was Al, and the girl’s name was Silka. The two were brother and sister. They lived in a village situated at the edge of the Common Realm, but today they asked their parents to come to this event so that they could meet the Magic Knights.

Al nodded happily and held his drawing out to Vangeance.

“Yeah! I drew us playing at my village! I drew it really good, so I’m giving it to you!”

“Are you sure? You two worked really hard to draw this, right?”

“Yeah! This is payment for letting us play with you earlier!”

Vangeance thanked Al and accepted his drawing, his expression more joyful than usual.

‘He really wasn’t lying when he said he liked kids,’ Yuno thought.

……However, Yuno also felt a touch of unease as he watched him. For some reason, there was a tinge of sadness in his smile. As Yuno began to feel such doubts, Silka came to his feet and offered him her drawing.

“Then, I’ll give mine to Yuno-niichan!”

“……Ah, thank you. I’ll treasure it.”

Just as Al said, the drawing depicted the two of them playing.  They included small details in their drawings, like their chestnut-colored hair, Al’s book pouch, Silka’s hair ornament, and more. Yuno accepted the drawing with a smile, making Silka’s face to turn red as she returned to Al’s side. They took each other’s hands and ran away cheerfully.

“See ya, Captain Vangeance! Have a good day at work!”

“Thanks! You two be careful not to trip and fall!”

Vangeance waved goodbye at them, already returning to his usual gentle self.

‘Was it just my imagination?’ Yuno wondered. As Yuno was lightly questioning himself, Yami started talking to Vangeance with his usual lax attitude.

“Hey, are you kiddin’ me, Vangeance? You never told me you had a love child, let alone two. They aren’t wearin’ weird golden masks, are they? You should make weird golden masks for them, too.”

“So, Yami? Have you been able to sense the Original Sin since then?”

Vangeance ignored Yami’s joke, carefully putting the drawing away in his book pouch as he asked his question. Yami shrugged his shoulders in response.

“Same as usual. I can sense it every now and then, but just as I catch a hint of it, it disappears. Well, rather than mana, I’m readin’ ki, but I think you’d get the same results either way. Luck was sayin’ the exact same thing, earlier.”

“So, all we know is that it’s still here. Understood. Even so, for the time being, continue to try sensing for it at regular intervals. Yuno and I will do the same.”

“Sure…… wait, huh?

His reply was flat, but then he leaned his head toward Vangeance, studying his face.

“What’s the matter?”

“Well, just now, I was sensin’ the ki in this area real lightly, and…”

He continued. With cigarette in hand, he pointed his finger at Vangeance.

“I feel a lingering sensation of the Original Sin’s ki from you. You happen to know why?”

“……Huh?”

As Yami spoke, Yuno half-reflexively focused his mana perception. Though it was very slight, he could certainly feel the mana of the Original Sin from Vangeance. It was so weak, that Yuno would never have noticed if it weren’t for Yami pointing it out…… it was like a lingering scent. If he possessed the Original Sin Grimoire, then the mana he felt from him would have been much stronger, so he couldn’t be the owner of that grimoire……. No, still, if he was using some technique to suppress his own mana, then it’s possible that…..

“Ah, before the Selection Exam, Julius secured an Original Sin grimoire intact. This morning, I touched it as I was examining it. It might be mana from that.”

Vangeance explained without even breaking a sweat, interrupting Yuno’s thoughts.

‘Am I stupid? Of course he doesn’t have it.’

Yuno calmed back down. That’s right. There’s no way he could be the owner of the Original Sin Grimoire. Even if it was only for a moment, Yuno felt ashamed for letting his mind run away with such strange ideas. Yami nodded his head and said,

“I see. Sometimes, when you touch something, its mana and ki can stick to you…. Ah, I just realized. That’s gonna make it even more of a pain in the ass to find this thing. Why’d you have to come here, you bastard!? I’m gonna smash your mask into pieces and use them to decorate the walls of a hipster cafe!”

“The way you express anger is sometimes rather mystifying, but I’d prefer it if you stop…... Anyway, please continue surveying the area.”

Vangeance said with a wry smile before turning back toward Yuno and Bell. Upon doing so, he was surprised to see a certain someone approaching him and Yami.

“Va…… Vangeance…… you, why are you here……!?”

It was the Captain of the Blue Roses, Charlotte Roselei. For some reason, when she made eye contact with Vangeance, she froze in place with a startle. Upon closer examination, she was holding a basket full of cookies.

‘What’s going on here……?’ he thought. Despite his uncertainty, Vangeance decided to try greeting her, but then Charlotte’s face turned bright red as she stuttered with an extraordinarily high-pitched voice,

“I-I, uh, funny story! My squad held a cooking class, and we ended up making too many cookies! I thought it would be a waste to throw them all away, s-so I thought that I could give them to Yami! It’s not like I have an ulterior motive or anything! I’m just trying to get rid of them!”

“I didn’t ask you anything, though……”

‘This situation feels very familiar…...’ secretly, Bell was experiencing Deja-vu. Yami folded his arms and looked at Charlotte.

“The cookies are for me? From you? Why have you been actin’ so girly lately?”

“What!? You…...!”

Charlotte was about to reach for the handle of her sword, but she reconsidered, stopping her hand and shaking her head. She walked up to Yami and said,

“Just take it already. I’m busy. I’d rather not waste my time on things like this.”

And, with a straight face, presented the basket of cookies to him. Unlike before, there was no agitation in her voice or mannerisms. She was her usual dignified self. Although, that was only true on the outside.

‘…...Y-yes! I gave it to him! I wasn’t sure what to do when I saw Vangeance here, but I managed to give it him! Ha ha, I’m amazing!’

Internally, she was frolicking about like a schoolgirl. However, she we careful not to show that on her face. Charlotte had been reflecting on her recent actions. She has always allowed herself to get agitated in front of Yami, so she decided to work hard at not letting those feelings show. However, perhaps it was because she has had many opportunities to make contact with him as of late, but she hasn’t been able to hide her unrest, and her behavior has become strange. The times she has nearly attacked him in attempt to hide this have only increased.

‘This isn’t good,’ Charlotte thought. She admonished herself once more and vowed that she would maintain her self-control in front of Yami.

‘No matter what might happen, I won’t allow myself to get upset in front of him ever again!’ She told herself this over and over again, but then,

“Oh, thanks.”

Yami said this as he shoveled several cookies into his mouth.

“Huh? They’re good, like normal cookies. What the hell? Did you seriously make these?”

“……Yes.”

Charlotte responded with a straight face, but,

‘I-I’m so happy! To think hearing the man I love praise my cooking would make me so happy!’

Internally, she was soaring. She was trying desperately not to let that show, however,

“I seriously thought your cookin’ was gonna suck, but I guess you’re a proper lady after all. Hey, Vangeance, Yuno, you guys should try some, too. They’re surprisingly good. Surprisingly.”

“……Hmph. You’re as rude as usual. I cannot tell if you’re trying to praise me or insult me.”

Once again, Charlotte responded with a straight face, but,

‘He thinks it’s so good that he’s telling other people to try them!? He thinks they’re that delicious!? I’m a little annoyed that any men other than Yami are eating them, but still, I’m so happy!’

Internally, she was flying even higher than before, and thus she was trying even more desperately not to let her feelings be known. However, then Yami said,

“I’ve gotta say……. I could eat these cookies every day. Seriously.”

“………”

‘Ah……. I’m done for.’

Her excitement seemed to overflow from her whole body until, finally, she fell backwards.

BAM!

The back of her head hit the stone pavement, knocking her unconscious.

“Eeeeeeeeh!? Wait, what just happened!? Are you okay!? Hey!?”

Yami picked up her body, holding her in her arms while unusually upset. However…… there, an even more terrible incident unfolded.

“B-Big Sis! Are you okay!? What happened!?”

Several members of the Blue Rose, with Sol at the forefront, rushed toward Charlotte. They surrounded her and glared sharply at Yami. Sol took one step forward toward Yami, her body swaying as if she were half-conscious. Representing the entire group, Sol quietly informed him,

“When Big Sis suddenly disappeared, we began a search for her……. What is the meaning of this, Captain of the Black Bulls……? Why has Big Sis collapsed before you?”

“That’s what I’d like to know! She just suddenly collapsed all on her own, and-

“HUUUUUH!? So, you did do something to her, didn’t you!?”

“As I’ve said, you’ve got it all wrong! It was all on her own, and…. Wait, don’t attack me!”

After that, a brawl broke out between the Black Bulls and the Blue Roses. However, Charlotte woke up soon after and cleared Yami’s name. Still, thanks to the uproar they caused, not a single person remained in Yami’s drawing class.

“………That was quite dangerous.”

“………Yes.”

“………I’m sick of this.”

Said Vangeance, Yuno, then Bell as they continued their patrol. They had a hard time stopping those girls’ rampage.  Though it only took a few dozen seconds before Charlotte woke up and said, “……Sorry. I was just feeling a little lightheaded. It’s nothing important,” their brawl was fierce and merciless, so it was exceedingly difficult to stop them without destroying the town themselves. Moreover, their brawl, coupled with the uproar that Mereoleona caused, was starting to make the citizens who came here afraid of the Magic Knights. One of the goals of this event was to dispel any doubts the citizens had about the Magic Knights, but their doubts were only increasing. On top of that, they haven’t found a single clue toward dealing with the main problem at hand, the Original Sin Grimoire. With such negative thoughts floating in his head, exhausted by the day’s events, Yuno muttered to himself,

“Is the Order of the Magic Knights…... really okay…...?”

“Ha ha. Certainly, a lot of events have happened in rapid succession that would make one a little uneasy. No, maybe “very uneasy” would be more accurate?”

“Ah, no, sorry. That was a little careless of me to say. I mean…...”

Realizing that Vangeance overheard him, he hurriedly tried to explain himself. Since he somehow managed to work his way to be the person in the Golden Dawn who collected the most stars last term, he thought that he shouldn’t complain in front of the captain. With a gentle smile, Vangeance waved his hand as if to expel Yuno’s worries.

“I don’t mind…… No, well…… this is a good opportunity, so I guess I’ll go ahead and ask you.”

Vangeance, too, spoke so softly that one would think he was talking to himself.  

“Let me ask you, Yuno. What do you think about the Magic Knights and this country?”

“Huh……?”

Yuno and Bell reflexively looked at each other. His superior was asking him what he thought about his workplace and the thing he is supposed to protect. That’s not all that strange by itself, but it seemed a little abrupt. Realizing what Yuno was thinking, Vangeance shrugged his shoulders and said,

“It wasn’t meant to be a deep question. It’s just that many members of the Magic Knights, myself included, have high hopes for you. I was simply curious about your thoughts.”

Yuno lowered his head as he thought. It’s an abstract question, but if all he’s curious about is what he thinks, then……

“I think there are many problems in both of them that must be solved, but, even so, I love the Magic Knights and this country. Everyone in the Magic Knights is…… well, at first, they were extremely critical of me, but, lately, they all seem to recognize me as a friend. It feels very comfortable. Ever since the Star Festival, it feels as if the citizens have accepted me, too.”

Yuno remembered the smiles and cheers of the people at the Star Festival, filling Yuno with warmth as he spoke.

“I want to fight to protect the people who accepted me. That’s what I think.”

At first, Yuno only thought about fulfilling his dreams. However, these feelings gradually grew as he continued to fulfill his duties. Every time a person thanked him, every time a person smiled, he felt that he wanted to protect them. Those were his truest feelings from the bottom of his heart, but was that answer good enough……? Yuno thoughts were such as he watched Vangeance, who replied with a satisfied expression,

“I feel the same way. I love the Magic Knights, and I love this country, too. In the Magic Knights, I have comrades and subordinates I can rely on, and I have a superior I want to be like…… Julius-sama. Moreover, this is the country where my comrades and I were born and raised. These feelings are not so grandiose that I would call them patriotism, but I feel a dept of gratitude. In order to repay that dept, I want to protect this country and its people forever…… I truly do.”

For some reason, his expression became sorrowful for the second time that day.

‘……As I thought, Vangeance is definitely acting strange today.’

He was clad in his usual elegantly dignified aura, but there were moments when Yuno could feel a terrible fragility in him, as if he could simply fade away. However, these moments passed by so quickly that it was hard for Yuno to bring up. In the end, all he could do was worry.  

“Anyway, just as you said, Yuno, I believe there are many problems in both that must be solved.”

While Yuno was thinking, Vangeance returned to normal and replied with his usual tone. Yuno understood that thinking about it wasn’t going to get him anywhere, so he stopped mulling over it and listened to Vangeance speak.

“Discrimination against commoners and peasants, the secret maneuvers of those who act only for their own self-interest…… there’s many things we must do to make the country and the Magic Knights better, to make them something you can love even more.”

“……I agree.”

Yuno unintentionally responded with a severe tone of voice. This was because he and Asta have had many painful experiences because of the discrimination that peasants face. Understanding the reason behind Yuno’s heavy reply, he put his hand on Yuno’s shoulder as he continued,

“I’m looking forward to what you will do to solve these problems. If you demonstrate that even a peasant can shine if you hone your strength, you will not only eliminate the discrimination peasants face, you will also become the hope of the populace. I apologize for using you like an advertisement, but I intend to keep you busy.”

“Leave it to us~! After all, not only does Yuno have a four-leaf grimoire, he’s also a genius who’s loved by me! We’ll crush the walls of social status into tiny little pieces as many times as it takes!”

Interjected a certain wind spirit who didn’t read the mood of the conversation.

“Bell, house.”

Yuno tried to make her be quiet, but her outburst made Vangeance chuckle.

“I’m sure you will.”

He agreed with her as he laughed.

“Despite that, no, maybe because of that…... I’m a little worried.”

Once again, though only slightly, something seemed to cloud his usual gentle expression.

“……Right. This may be a little off-topic, but your goal is to become the Wizard King, right, Yuno?”

“Yes.”

Yuno answered immediately. He had decided that there was nothing to be embarrassed about, so he would always answer without hesitation, no matter who asked him. Vangeance nodded his head before continuing,

“What are you willing to lay on the line for your goal?”

“Anything.”

“Including your own life?”

“As long as I get to be the Wizard King for a bit before I die.”

“I see. Then, what about the life of another?”

“Huh……?”

“Let’s say you could save people’s lives in exchange for your own. What would you do?”

Yuno found himself unable to respond to such an unexpected question. With a wry smile, yet somehow incredibly sincerely, he informed Yuno,

“……I’m sorry for asking such a cruel question. However, because of your strength, there will be many situations in the future where you will need to make all kinds of choices, especially if you are aiming to become the Wizard King. In some of those cases, deciding on what is the right choice will be difficult…… In fact, there will surely come a time where, like my earlier question, you’ll have to make a choice when there is no right answer.”

It was as if Vangeance was speaking from experience, no, as if he were in such a situation at this very moment.

‘In his position, he has probably had to make dozens of decisions where there wasn’t a right choice,’ Yuno thought. And, just as he says, the time when Yuno will have to make such a choice will surely come as well.

‘When the time comes, what will I choose…….?’

“You don’t have to think so hard about it. It’s just that, since its possible you might end up in a situation like that someday, I wanted to know what you thought…… Whenever that happens, I hope you will always be able make a decision you can stick behind.”

Vangeance briefly paused before continuing. In that moment, Yuno turned his head to the side in doubt, still unsure of what his decision would be.

“If you don’t know what the right choice is…… in times like those, make a decision that you can be satisfied with. If you do that, you’ll be able to take responsibility for the consequences of your decision, even if those consequences are bad. Maybe this is already obvious to you, but for people as powerful as you, every decision you make has a big influence on your surroundings…… it will make me happy if you keep that in mind.”

“……Yes.”

Yuno answered with uncertainty. With that, Vangeance stretched lightly before saying,

“……Now then, that was quite a long talk, so I’m thirsty. Let’s buy something to drink.”

“Okay, then I’ll-

“No, I’ve already forced you to listen to me talk, so I’ll go buy them.”

Vangeance interrupted gently before quickly making his way to the juice stand. Yuno reluctantly sat down on a nearby bench and, for the second time that day, sighed briefly.

“……Hey, Yuno! Don’t worry about it! That question was just way too mean!”

“Well, you’re right, but…...”

As Bell continued to speak, Yuno became lost in his thoughts. Since the day he decided to become the Wizard King, he has worked single-mindedly to make his goal come true. No matter what hardships or unfairness stood in his way, he would find a way to push them aside, or, at least, that was his intention. However, he couldn’t answer Vangeance’s question. Even now, he still didn’t know the answer. He wasn’t prepared. The fact he still didn’t know the answer filled him with frustration. He felt as if he was just told he wasn’t working hard enough, or that he was too naïve.

“Oh, come on!”

As if she could sense Yuno’s state of mind, Bell opened his book pouch without permission, opened his grimoire, and pushed it against his face.

“Huh!? What the heck are you do-

“Look! After getting your grimoire, you filled so many pages in just half a year! No ordinary person would be able to do that! This is proof of your weird fixation on trying too hard!”

“I’m not sure if you’re trying to compliment me or insult me.”

“To make matters worse, your legs are long, your eyes are like almonds, and your cuticles are flawless! Everything about you is amazing, you hottie!”

“As I said, are those compliments or insults? You’re throwing compliments at me with all the tension of a tirade, so it’s confusing.”

Though Bell was annoying, for once her rampage helped him. The thoughts that were plaguing him earlier were the type that do not stop once you let yourself start thinking about them. He was grateful that she forced him to stop thinking about it. The captain’s question was one that should be taken very seriously, but it was not something he needed to think about right now. Yuno wasn’t sure if this was what Bell was trying to say, but, at the very least, that was the conclusion she led him to.

“……I understand, Bell……. Thanks.”

“You’re very welcome! I don’t really get why you’re thanking me, though!”

As they continued their usual exchange, Bell pulled Yuno’s grimoire away from his face. When she did, Yuno noticed that the drawing Silka gave him earlier fell out. He had put the drawing in his book pouch, so when Bell pulled his grimoire out from it, it fell by accident. When he picked it up, he patted the soil of off it and moved to put the drawing back in his book pouch, but then,

“……Hm?”

When he looked at the drawing, there was something about it that made him a bit uneasy.

“………..!”

And then, he realized it.

Even so, there were many holes in his hypothesis. If he was right, then his opponent made a rather careless mistake. However, if his opponent really was that careless, then it’s possible that……

“I’m sorry for taking so long. Julius-sama ended up roping me into a conversation.”

Vangeance returned with three juices in hand. Yuno didn’t respond to his voice, only staring at him in silence. It would be too hasty of him to mark him as a suspect. However, if his hypothesis was correct, then that would explain what Yami was saying earlier. To find more evidence, first, he should……

“……Captain Vangeance.”

With tension rising, Yuno turned toward Vangeance and uttered these words,

“Captain, may I see what’s in your book pouch?”

“……….”

In response to Yuno’s question, Vangeance smiled back at Yuno with his usual elegant smile from beneath his mask.

……No. This wasn’t his usual smile. There was a hidden meaning behind it.

 — To be continued in Part 2 —

As usual, expect the second half next week! Did any of you catch what Yuno noticed when he looked at the drawing?

I know I keep gushing on about how great each chapter is, but the chapters in this book are just too good! This chapter was just too cute! William being a total sucker around kids was cute! Yuno thinking about how much he wants to protect those kids was cute! Yami’s class being a hit with kids was cute! And Mereoleona… well, I don’t know if I would describe her scene with those kids as “cute”, but I loved it nonetheless!

I think this might be the most progress Charlotte has ever had toward her relationship with Yami. She actually managed to give him something she made, and he liked it!

I’m also glad Yuno is hesitating in his answer toward William’s question. He may be a Magic Knight, so it may be his duty to sacrifice his life for the citizens, but he’s only about 16 years old at this point in the story. It would be strange for a 16-year-old to be okay with sacrificing his life.

[mental-health-advice]

Hey.

For a while I feel like my friendship with this person has become inherently codependent.

I didn't realise how much I needed to be needed by him until recently. I put a lot of my self worth on him and in the process put him above everything else. And I felt justified because he was going through a tough time. And I don't want to judge him, but he isn't exactly the best person. He can be extremely cruel to other people and selfish. But I never questioned anything he did because I wanted him to like me. I didn't neglect any other things like school and stuff. I kept on top of it, but most of my free time was taken up for him, having conversations that I really didn't want to and I enjoyed myself most of the time but sometimes I felt like I outgrew his company. I made up versions of him in my head that were so much better than real life. This was aggravated because we were all in lockdown and I couldn't meet other people. I've only ever known him through phone calls for a while and the two months we actually met in in person school were spent with him feuding against my other friends in his quest for power. I always found it impossible to pick a side in these situations, because the others were right but I wanted to please him too. I was incapable of refusing anything he said. I always had to hide away a part of me because I was afraid he wouldn't like me then. And he could be very controlling too. He thought he was above everyone and the school director kind of favoured him too, so he had a lot of plans for a very unsafe event. But then schools shut down again and he became really depressed and was suicidal and tried to pin everything on me at one point, just because I respected my mother's words. I tried to be there for him, and this went on for four months. I agreed to everything he said because it was easier than fighting with him. Now stuff hit rock bottom and the director has shut him out and told him to just get back to academics. Schools are opening this week and now he's really scared again.

I don't know what to say when he tells me his life sucks and that he doesn't want it. He's out of the extreme phase now and he expects everything to be handed to him without working hard for anything.

I knew he was someone who didn't care about other people and took joy in the sorrow of others but I always excused his behaviour. When things got too bad I stepped aside.

But apart from all of this, I always craved for him to call me. My happiness depended on his. I needed him to talk to me. And me only. I got insanely jealous and beat myself up inside. I worried so much about him but he didn't seem to care about me at all. When I tried to talk about my feeling it resulted in us fighting continuously, with him saying I didn't deserve him. I never needed him to respect me or my boundaries because I knew he was incapable of caring about someone else and that it wouldn't be worth my time. But now I can't take him just using me anymore. At first I just thought that I had feelings for him which caused my jealousy, but then he came out to me, but these still seem to persist. I just need him to come to me for any problem that he has, but that took a hit today, when I couldn't deal with him at all. I've read up codependent friendships and I think that's what is really going on in my head. I don't like him romantically I think, I'm just really insecure.

I don't want to be that person anymore. He doesn't respect my boundaries, my family or my interests. I'm not allowed to have an opinion because anything that he doesn't agree shouldn't be said in his presence. I feel like I'm stuck in the same place and unable to truly be myself. We are so different and my beliefs directly contradict his but I've never been able to express them to him. And he calls himself my best friend. Our other best friend, is kinda in between. She regularly argues with him and demands respect, but he doesn't even consider it. But when he has a problem we have to drop everything for him. And he accuses me of not trusting him. And he tells me not to say things that make him angry rudely but he doesn't do the same for me when I tell him calmly that I don't want to talk about something. He's really condescending too, and acts as of nothing matters but him. And because of the lack of going out, he was the only solace I have.

Despite this I still deeply care about him. This morning he was groaning continuously, and I told him that everyone had problems, he completely turned on me and said that I didn't get to say anything because my life was fine and that his was way more difficult. He acts as if he knows everything about me and assumes that I will be fine no matter how hard his words are. And he's kinda right, because I always come back to him. This same person told me a few minutes ago that everyone one in our grade was fine and that nothing was wrong and that someone should die, so that their life sucks. So he'll be fine if someone died and if they shut the school and the state, so that he doesn't have to deal with the consequences of his actions. He even has the nerve to whine about how he doesn't deserve any small hardship that comes his way. But life's hard and he doesn't seem to realise that there is life after your senior year in high school. He seems to think that this is all that matters. We're just sixteen and he acts like this is all we ever have. I don't know how to help him. He says he has a bad home life, but I don't know how that excuses him being a horrible human being to others for no reason. And he is privileged. I tell him to work hard this year, and next year in college he can do what he wants. But he says he wants the life of a film star without lifting a finger.

I feel like it's my responsibility to fix his issues, but he's the only one who can. I can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves.

Moreover he doesn't even care about anything that other people are going through stuff too. And he called me selfish for implying that the world doesn't revolve around him. I've always tried to be there for him, and I still want to, but I don't think it's good for both of us. We're toxic to each other. Sometimes I wish his problems were magically fixed so that we could go back to being normal friends instead of the complete wreckage we both are.

He says no one understands hima s if he was accusing me of not caring enough about him. But I felt like I hit a breaking point and that I couldn't just nod my head anymore. I'm human being with issues of my own but he doesn't give a damn.

I can't even talk to him normally, I have to thread around eggshells to keep him happy, but I'm never happy with him. He says I don't act enthusiastic to his ideas. I hate his ideas but I'm always nice about it. I don't shut him down. I hope he gets the things he wants even if they aren't to my liking. And today he calls me boring and attacks me for not liking marvel. I mean come on can't I even have an opinion on a movie? I said I liked a ship in it ( it was a comfort ship that helped me escape) and he said I didn't have a right to have an opinion because I hadn't watched all the movies. Fandom is something that gives me joy and keeps me grounded and today he attacked something that I thought no one could. My imagination. My ability to create worlds in my head. The worst part, we met because we were both Harry Potter fans. And now he doesn't even feel like that. I helped him edit and write his debut novel. I feel like that person who believed in something is gone. He even admitted to just using me for my knowledge in the beginning.

I still feel sorry for him though. I'm really sorry if I've rambled on for too long. This has become more about him that it has about me.

I still really like him and feel that we can be friends if he starts to try to help himself and if I get rid of my insecurity and jealousy when he talks to other people. My brain is illogical. I don't want to have to deal with all of his issues all the time with no regard for myself, but I don't want him to confide in some else either.

I hate this person that I've become. Who cares about no one but him. I tried to use his issues as a shield against the problems going on in my own life. I try not to let anyone see that I don't have my life together either, because I feel bad about bothering others with my issues, when they have a million struggles of their own, but isn't that what he's doing to me? He disregards my feelings but I'm still very much obsessed with him.

I've lost my sense of self respect completely, and I pushed away other people for him.

I need to stop being codependent on him, and start at least liking myself.

Please help me. I'm sorry if this is too long. I seriously needed to get this off my chest.

And I apologise if I bothered you with my silly problems. I know there are more important things in the world but I seem stuck here. I don't want to appear ungrateful for anything so I pretend that everything is fine. And honestly I feel like I can never be not okay with a wonderful mother like mine. Oh and he hates her too. I just can't seem to win with him. My dad though is a whole nother issue.

This guy gets on my nerves, but I still need him to be happy too. But I shouldn't have to carry that burden. Right?

Hey there,

Due to your Ask being so long, we kindly ask you to resend your Ask and try to keep to our new 700 word limit if at all possible. Long Asks are very difficult for us to answer as there is just way too much information for us to take into account which means that often the Ask will be in our inbox for a lot longer as we don’t always have the capacity to answer them.

We hope that you understand and we are sorry for the inconvenience!

I hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[terramythos]

TerraMythos' 2020 Reading Challenge - Book 24 of 26

Title: A Choir of Lies (2019) (A Conspiracy of Truths #2) 

Author: Alexandra Rowland

Genre/Tags: Fantasy, First-Person, Unreliable Narrators (Plural!), Female Protagonist, LGBT Protagonist

Rating: 9/10

Date Began: 8/24/2020

Date Finished: 9/07/2020

Three years after A Conspiracy of Truths, Ylfing finds himself disillusioned and alone. He’s seen how a story can crumble an entire nation, and is unsure if he wants to continue on his path to being a Chant-- a professional wandering storyteller. 

Taking a job as a merchant’s translator in the canal city of Heyrland, Ylfing’s new employer soon realizes his penchant for storytelling, and he grudgingly agrees to use his gift to sell stars-in-the-marsh, an exotic flower. Ylfing’s stories soon cause a frenzied demand for the flowers, and entire fortunes become tied up in contracts for them. However, an unforeseen disaster looms that could ruin the lives of thousands, and Ylfing must decide whether he can rise up to fix his mistakes, or let the city destroy itself. 

I can’t save everyone completely. But maybe I can mostly save a couple people, or save most people a tiny bit. It’s one little thing, and that’s better than nothing. That’s always better than nothing. 

Minor spoilers under the cut.

Full disclosure: I had a hard time getting into A Choir of Lies. Reading the first section of the book was an exercise in patience. Basically, the book has two protagonists. One's Ylfing, a fan favorite from A Conspiracy of Truths. Ylfing seems much different than his last appearance; it's obvious something major and/or traumatic happened between books. He's depressed, disillusioned, and directionless, questioning his life and decision to become a Chant, a wandering storyteller. He's a far cry from the optimistic, happy-to-a-fault character from the previous volume. The book itself is sort of a journal of his daily experiences living in a canal city called Heyrland (think fantasy!Copenhagen). On the other hand, we also have a new character named Mistress Chant, who has somehow obtained this journal, and provides ongoing footnote commentary about Ylfing and the events he describes. It's almost identical to what Shriek: An Afterword does, and like before I think it's an interesting tool to portray different, often opposed perspectives. It becomes obvious that Mistress Chant doesn't like Ylfing much, and her comments on his early depression and struggles are brutal. While she has a point, she often comes off as harsh and antagonistic. So... there's one character in a depressive funk that, while relatable, is not very fun to read about, and the other is a sarcastic and angry character criticizing everything he does. I found it difficult to really connect with the leads or the story because of this. At first. Boy am I glad I stuck with this one.  Despite my early struggles, this book is one of those rare gems that not only gets better over time, but completely redeems and justifies early "flaws".  While there's multiple reasons for this, the simplest and most notable is catharsis. (Holy hell is this book cathartic to read). A Choir of Lies is at its core a very optimistic book. One of the central theses is that even the most irredeemable person can do "one little thing" to improve or change the world. It's great to see the characters bite the bullet, overcome their issues, and improve as people. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, more "you have to put in the work to do the right thing and become a better person, even if it's an ugly and difficult process." Of course the first section of the book is tough -- it’s meant to be! The contrast is beautiful as you progress further in the novel.  Ylfing makes a terrible mistake in the book that potentially ruins thousands of people’s lives, and he's so caught up in his depression that he cannot or will not take responsibility. Yet after a revelation or two, he realizes he HAS to do something about it, and fights tooth and nail to do so. It's such a departure from A Conspiracy of Truths, in which the main character is caught in an unfortunate situation and does everything he can to save himself, everyone else be damned. It's interesting to see the previous book through a different lens, one which portrays the protagonist as an incredibly selfish character rather than someone struggling to survive a bad situation. Chant doesn't appear in this book, but basically everything about him is cast in a much different light. For me Mistress Chant was difficult to like at first, but she mellows out and entertains alternate points of view as the story progresses. It's satisfying to see her admit that Ylfing is right about some things, and how happy she is when he finally asserts himself and does the right thing. You can see why she and Ylfing don't like each other, but by the end it's bittersweet because you can also see how they could have been friends under other circumstances. I loved the general ideas on storytelling, like the importance of creating a "good" story even if it's not the true one, and how such a process can help one heal and cope. Or even the power of writing a story down versus purely oral tradition, and the strengths and weaknesses of each approach. That kind of stuff. Like the previous book, there's an emphasis on the literal Power of Storytelling and its ability to change fortunes and futures, but with a more grudgingly optimistic take. 

It also helps that I read A Choir of Lies at a time when I really needed it. I'm in a similar position to Ylfing right now. I really don't know what to do with my life, and I'm pretty depressed with the state of the world. While it's challenging to see my situation and coping methods as selfish, I think that's an honest assessment and it really made me think about where I am and what I'm doing. On the other hand, there are so many looming disasters right now in the real world that mirror the conflict in this story. Every day I see people do the wrong thing, the selfish and inhumane thing, and it's mentally taxing and demoralizing. Reading a story in which people initially suck, then do what they can to help others and address their mistakes, is inspirational. It's a reminder that people as a whole can still do good despite (and sometimes even because of) their selfishness. It makes me more optimistic about the future. Overall I liked A Choir of Lies much more than A Conspiracy of Truths. It is a standalone sequel that can be read without the previous volume, as most of the context from that book is well explained. While this isn't an action packed fantasy novel, the characters feel much more involved in the central conflict, which was my main issue with the last book. I liked the more cerebral ideas of storytelling, potential, and the ability to do the right thing as told through a fantasy lens. According to the author notes this was a tough one to write, but I think they did an excellent job and really improved on the general idea and concepts of the previous book.  

[pjstafford]

A Look at my 2020

The end of the year is upon us. It’s been a tough one for all of us. It is a year we will all remember forever. I want to do a positive reflection of this year. I will probably write a blog about what I hope our country’s New Years Resolutions should be. The thoughts on that have been rolling around my head for a few days. But today, December 16, at 4:30 a.m. and unable to sleep, that 2020 familiar dread of what will happen today waking me early, I want to look at some positives. I want to unwrap the positives of 2020 like a Christmas gift before Christmas so that I can wrap myself in them as a blanket of warmth. One thing that I have been truly impressed with is the resilience of the human spirit. Let’s call this a resilience exercise.

Counting my blessings one by one...

1. I am alive. Surviving is a cause for celebration. As far as I know I have been COVID free...although there were a few days in April or early May when I was sick with something and in Feb I had the strangest cold in my life and this time last year weeks of fatigue ended in frozen shoulder syndrome on Christmas Eve. See, I want to be thankful, but I don’t want to be naive in my retrospection. Best to be honest. I’m not sure if I had COVID or not, but if I did I survived with relatively minor symptoms. Every cough or sniffle I feared in a completely irrational way was COVID. There was the week I walked around sniffing everything to make sure I could still smell. It dawns on me it is going to be difficult to write a honest and, yet, positive, retrospective of 2020. I am alive, but I have never been less healthy. I’ve gained weight. I haven’t had the physical exercise to which I am accustomed and now when I try to take a long walk I realize my stamina is gone. It will take years of concentrated effort once things are “back to normal” for me to become normal again. It wasn’t that I didn’t try. I did yoga daily in the Spring and switched to an online Tai chi class in the summer, but I don’t live near beauty or anything interesting so wasn’t motivated to walk and just my everyday life of lockdown in a studio apartment meant less movement. All of which sounds even to me like not very good justification. Did I mention though that I survived. I am alive. I will take that as blessing number one.

2. No one I care about very deeply has died or even been seriously ill from COVID. Doesn’t March 2020 seem far away? I don’t want to be dismissive of 300;000 dead especially with more to come. I or someone I love could still be gone by New Years Day. But in March and April we held our breaths for an apocalypse and at some point most of us decided to take a breath. I don’t know really if it’s good or bad that we have simply adjusted our normal and the number deaths we are willing to accept. It’s bad, what am I saying? It’s bad. But how long can we wait in fear? So I don’t know, but I want to count as a blessing that those I love have all survived to date. I cannot vanquish the fear, but I can be grateful for survival.

3. I have maintained employment in a bad economy and have mostly been able to work from home. There have been some struggles. Sometimes the work I do is depressing. Sometimes I feel I don’t make a difference. There has never been a worse time to be an advocate...or a person with disability, or a caregiver, or a provider agency, or a health care professional. I have maintained employment.

4. I count among my blessings the fact that I had a wonderful 2020 before....remember there was a 2020 before. I love when my work takes me to Santa Fe for a prolonged time. A friend came out in Feb for a wonderful weekend. Another friend came to Albuquerque to see me for my birthday in early March. I remember thinking how social I was in those first ten weeks in 2020. It’s as if I somehow knew....it sustained me.

5. I count among my blessings that when I felt my mental health despair getting at its worse...the strain of living alone in a studio apartment, working from that same apartment and following the Governor orders not to go or do anything. ..that I had friends and two weekends of “risky” behavior; a friend who came for the Fourth of July holiday and an out of state trip to Durango in late September. I’m fortunate that when I had to have human contact my closest friends were there for me

6. I count as my blessings that Biden won the election. It’s not simply a matter of politics. I’m not sure if the last eight months of the Trump Presidency wasn’t worse for my morale than the pandemic because Trump kind of lost whatever semblance of sanity he had. Part of the trepeditation over what each new day will bring is what Trump will say, do, tweet, exacerbate. I still fear revolution in the street before Jan 20. The pandemic is not the worse of what America has gone through. That’s the oddest thing about this year.

7. Here is the blessing which probably will be unpopular. The lockdown and stress of all we have experienced is tough, but the slowdown is a blessing for me. My life had gotten pretty busy. While I miss travel, it’s ok for a year not to have had the time suck that travel for work entails. I will be so happy the first work trip I get to go on, but I feel like 2020 has given me the gift of time. It’s odd because, like many, my creative sense has suffered. I have written almost nothing. Still, I often think of a Dylan lyric, maybe in the next life I will be able to hear myself think. I could hear myself think this year. Unfortunately I thought about the existentialist angst of the meaning of life and my failures as a human being and I don’t think there is enough time still to process the effects of the pandemic and I’m sick to death of the sound of my thoughts, but....I have been given this unique gift of time. Even on December 16th I am not rushed to shop, to cook, to decorate, to go to a zillion parties. It’s a different year. The Holiday will still come. It is pleasant not to feel urgency over, let’s face it, non-urgent things. I am mentally and emotionally fatigued, but not nearly as physically exhausted as I was this time last year

8. The next one is a big one. The gift of living in the moment. I have spent my entire life since 7th grade when Miss O’Neil gave me a copy of The Rubyait of Omar Khayyam trying to live with the philosophy of living for the now. Clear the cups of past regrets...tomorrow, why I may be myself with yesterday’s seven thousand years. The only time I have ever truly experience this is in a handful of concert experience. Even now, I fear for my future and I blame myself for my mistakes. Still, my relationship with time has changed. There is the sun rising and setting and that is a day. Seasons will change. But the gift of time means I can approach my day differently. When five o clock comes on a workday, a needed nap is a step away. No where to go on a Friday night... no where I can go...means the weekend rhythm exists only as I define it. The simple pleasures we always take for granted mean something more now. There is a coffee truck that stops near me on Fridays and Saturdays. When it first started stopping I was over the moon that I could walk and get a latte with fairly little risk. If I go to the grocery store and have a conversation with a stranger, it is different than it was before. Mindfulness exercise and meditation is one thing, but nothing can compare with this year to further my lessons in this pursuit. May I take the lesson with me into years to come.

9. Zoom...yes, of course I have zoom fatigue. But five friends in five different states having a monthly drink together on zoom is a benefit of the pandemic. I watched a movie this year with someone who lives in Brazil. I celebrated a friend’s sixtieth person even though I couldn’t be with her. I’ve attended book discussions and readings in New York and I already have tickets to an event in March. Kind of love New York. I’ve never been there in person. Just a lot happens there. Educationally and socially the world is now open to me. I am not limited to what is going on in my community. I hope this doesn’t completely go away.

10. Finally, storytelling and music. I found it hard to read new things in the lockdown for a while, but in March friends asked me to a virtual book club of three books I already read and we reread them together which took us into the summer. I rediscovered the Foundation series of Asimov and suddenly I could read again! My favorite book I’ve read published in 2020 is Jess Walter’s The Cold Million. I did read a digital advance copy of David Duchovny’snew book due out in 2021 and it is, in fact, the breakout novel I knew this hot young writer would eventually write. Looking forward to 2021 book club! I finally binged Breaking Bad and The Travelers as well as The Queens gambit and watched Peanut Butter Falcon. I am doing a disability focused watch on the X Files and I better kick it it the rear because I’m presenting on it in Feb. at a conference. My God, Dylan put out his first original music in eight years. It will take me eight years to fully ingest it and enjoy it. You see, no matter what happens, humanity will tell its stories and gather to make its songs. It’s that human resilience. Creation of art is not trivial. It’s vital. It has continued in this odd and strange year. It is humanity’s greatest gift and I have definitely used it this year as a resilience and growth tool.

Those are my top blessings in this horrific and, yet, wondrous year. However, you have been impacted, what we all share in common is that In a very short time it will be a memory of a year in the past.

[twi-sight2020]

I’ve got a theory...that it’s a Vampire

So before I say anything else, I just wanna say, wow...I have so many followers. Thank you all so much! But also, who would have thought that, in the year of our lord 2020 the most popular blog I’ve had would be me reviewing Twilight. The fandom is still very much alive and well! But damn, so many of you. I love you all! So Bella is supposed to give her theories, but she begs for another question to be answered first.  She wants to know how he found here which is....her scent. Charming. Then she is aghast at his theory that her brain is on a different frequency than everyone else’s and that’s why he cannot hear her thoughts. Edward pretty much sums up my thoughts on this with this. “I hear voices in my mind and you’re worried that you’re the freak?” All that being said, again, here we have this mystery about Bella, this aspect of her that could have been built upon and explored. After all, as of yet, the villains have yet to be introduced,  it seems like this is set up to be more of a self contained story and yet.... sigh. This is pretty much  dropped. So after a bit of these, Edward demands to hear her latest theory which is ....vampire. Yes, after 124 pages Bella drops the “V” word and then explains to Edward all about Jacob and how she flirted with poor Jacob to get the information about the “legends” and she came to the vampire conclusion....and then decided she didn’t care . Edward is, honestly kind of appalled that she doesn’t care if he is a murderous little critter. Like....bless him, he knows that he is trash sometimes and is very concerned when other’s don’t see it. Side note: Edward also feels sorry for Jacob, because , bless , the poor boy did not deserve this. We get the “How long have you been seventeen line” and I honestly love how Edward is just like “Yea....done that for a while “ And then they go through the  myths and facts of vampires. They don’t burn in the sun, no sleeping in coffins. And he doesn’t sleep, at all, ever. In fact he seems wistful about the idea . Kinda makes you feel sorry for him for a minute. Which ...i go back and forth with Edward, tbh. Sometimes I love him..other times I wanna throttle him. It’s a tough road. So then he, of course, brings up the fact that, you know....vampires have very very special diets. Bella tells him that Jacob mentioned his family doesn’t nom nom on people. Edward points out that, yes, they do try to avoid people but they are still, you know, dangerous. of course, Bella has the self preservation of a capybara ...hell, at least they can hide in water, Bella just....dives right into danger every time. She’s like my cat that tries to jump on the dog that chases her and nips at her on the daily. no self preservation, nada. Course, Bella at least is going after a hot vampire. My cat is just...not right. So Edward explains he doesn’t  want to be a monster, the Cullen’s “vegetarian” diet, and the fact that sometimes it’s harder than others to keep from biting humans. And oh, Bella, honey, he might have told you he wanted to kill you but, you have NO idea how close you came to being Lunch.  Bella clues Edward into the fact that she’s noticed how his eyes change when he’s hungry. Which he finds amusing, but then...then he explains how it “makes him nervous” to be away from her. Now, it kinda makes sense from Edwards point of view, because this girl is...well she’s kinda taken over his brain. Her smell drives him nuts and yet he feels protective of her because she NEARLY DIES EVERY FIVE SECONDS. as he points out when he sees the scrapes on her hands.  Again, this could have been a really neat plot, him being destined to be the one to either save her or kill her...but no....not that. Because, instead, we get Bella also being anxious when she doesn’t see him because.... teenage hormones? Idk...i get being upset when you don’t see your crush but the anxiety bit is kinda over the top, especially when she starts FUCKING CRYING when he points out that it’s one thing for him to be fixated on her and another for him to drag her into it. *sighs* Maybe this is a me thing, I dunno, but crying makes...no sense to be at this part. If it were supposed to be the rush of all the night’s events catching up to her...sure, but over this? This girl was completely unfazed 5 minutes after being rescued from a possible gang rape, but is crying over this? I don’t get it, I really don’t. I know I’m basically the worst at reading emotions, and I really don’t understand people a lot of the time but this...... seriously, if anyone has any idea on how her brain works...drop me a line? Cause I’m...really at a loss for understanding this part. Like maybe it’s because I’m a #dead-inside millennial, or maybeI’m a robot , but the emotional trainwreck that is Bella.....yikes. Edward apologies for making Bella have an random crying spell, and then ask her what she was thinking when she was nearly attacked-cause, you know, bringing  up trauma is a great way to make someone feel better/s. Like, come on Edward, you’ve been alive for a long ass time, and yet you really suck at people. Apparently Bella thought about trying to fight and scream because she....falls down alot when running. Edward says he’s fighting fate trying to keep her alive and i’m just like???? “Dude...compassion??? She almost ...fucking hell.’ I am a bit frustrated with these children.  Edward promises to be in school tomorrow and then ask Bella to promise not to go into the woods alone because ‘he’s not always the most dangerous thing out there.” Bella...you’ve been nothing but curious this whole time, but when he says “Let’s just leave it at that.” you have no questions? None? You’ve had it confirmed vampires are real and one is telling you there is worst stuff out there and you just....let it go? Like I get we’re setting things up for a sequel but...... come on, it’s a bit lazy for her not to prod a bit.  Also, does this mean Edward was stalking her when she went into the woods that morning to? Jesus...   He tells her to sleep well  and then we get a bit on how...nice his breath smells. Which, i know, it’s all part of his apex predator self to draw people in but it’s still a weird thing to read about.  She gets inside, takes a shower and realizes she’s freezing and begins shaking and trembling. she talks about her mind trying to suppress things and, for a brief minute, I think she’s actually going to have a ...reaction to everything that happened. Now, mind you, I don’t want her to be a shrinking violet, but her emotional responses are so ...over the place. She cries when Edward isn’t around, or when he points out he’s dangerous... but when she is put in actual danger, it rolls off of her. Gotta say it confuses me but...what do i know? I can watch horror movies till kingdom come, ready mystery novels, see medical gore and autopsy with no problem but I cry every damn time a pet dies in a movie...or music video. (I’m looking at you”Happier” by Bastille) So she’s not freaking out over the days evens, no, instead we’ve getting one of the most famous (and sometimes infamous) lines from the series.  “About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.” Imma...just need a sec to unpack this here. Obviously we know he’s a vampire and it’s pretty obvious he wants to eat her (and not in the fun way) but the last bit.... In love with him...oof. I know teen love comes on fast and hard but this...you’ve only had a few actual conversations with him, and even fewer have been him not being a douche. Do I think she’s in LUST with him? Definitely.  IS she in awe of him saving her life all the time? Of course. Intrigued because...vampire? Oh hell yea. But...you’re not in love with him Bella. Do I think she is later? Of course. But at this moment, I think it’s way more infatuation than love. She knows very little about him, in fact, with the exception of the vampire bit, I know more about a stranger from their facebook page than what she knows about him in this moment.  Edward has stalked Bella enough that he knows everything about her. And while that brings up a whole fuck ton of other issues, at least it means he knows enough about her to have genuine feelings (as creepy as his behavior may be)  But Bella, you’re not in love...not yet. Alright guys, i know this one was a bit more ranty then some of my other’s and this may turn some people off , but i said from the start I was gonna be honest about the good, the bad, and my feelings on it. I don’t care if people disagree, in fact, I welcome discussion. If you wanna message me and talk about certain bits, go for it! Just, make it clear if it’s a question/conversation you wanna have in private or something you’re cool with me sharing on the blog to futher discussion. Alright guys, love you all and , until next time,  Stay safe!

[space-age-bachelor]

“You can’t keep pretending it didn’t happen, cause guess what? It did!” - for the spy au??? Or just some general rhodestead if you don’t wanna do more spy au

Rhodestead Spy AU with a little bit of Rhodes Siblings because I could not get this idea out of my head

Will was trying not to get pissed at Connor. He knew that everyone’s family situation was different and it wasn’t his place to judge a relationship that he didn’t fully understand. He had made the decision to stay out of it and support Connor, until Claire called him and specifically asked him to get involved.

Things had been tense since she got caught up in whoever was trying to make Connor’s life a living hell. She found out the hard way that her brother wasn’t just a normal doctor, and that he’d been lying to her for the last decade. She hadn’t taken it well; and in a true Connor Rhodes fashion, he blamed himself. He decided that Claire was better off without him, and refused to answer her calls once she was ready to talk. 

In summary, he was being the same stubborn idiot he always was and it was Will’s job to snap him out of it.

“Hey, Claire called earlier. Did she get in touch with you?” He asked, attempting to be subtle. Based on the look Connor gave him, he failed.

“Uh, no, I must’ve missed her.” He was lounging on the couch, reading his newest trashy novel, same as every time he had a day off that didn’t line up with Will. 

He laughed, “You know, for a spy you’re a terrible liar.”

Connor put the book down, using the jacket as a bookmark, and turned to fully face him, “I’m not a terrible liar. I just don’t like lying to you.”

“Then, tell me why you won’t talk to Claire.” Will sat down next to him, but Connor stayed focused on the front door. 

They weren’t one of those couples who didn’t talk. If anything, they shared too much, what with so much of Connor’s past being classified. Sometimes, it just took a little time for them to start the conversation. 

“I don’t want her to get sucked into all of this. She’s already been in danger once. I can’t let it happen again.”

Will shook his head, “Connor, she’s already in danger, same way that I am. She knows who you are and they have already used her against you. You can’t keep pretending it didn’t happen ‘cause guess what? It did. Keeping her in the dark is just stopping her from making an informed decision about her life.”

He glared in his direction, but it held no real heat. “She’s my older sister. I don’t want her to worry about me.”

“Because she’s not already out of her mind with worry,” he rolled his eyes. “Con, she doesn’t know you anymore. How can you expect her to have faith in your ability to protect yourself?”

“She’ll never look at me the same way,” Connor didn’t shout. It sounded as though the psychological dam that was holding everything back had shattered. “I know it’s going to happen. There’s no way for everything to stay the same, but I’m not ready to face it.”

Will wanted to argue that the truth hadn’t changed things between them, but that wasn’t entirely true. Getting caught up in this had changed their entire dynamic. He didn’t look at Connor as though he was James Bond or some crazy action hero, but a part of him was always conscious of the fact that Connor has killed people. They’d just been friends though. Will couldn’t imagine how he’d react if he was in Claire’s shoes.

He reached over towards Connor, not touching him, but leaving his palm up, “I can’t tell you that everything will be okay. All I can say is that she’s your sister and she just wants to know who you are. If you’re asking for her trust, you need to trust her too.”

“When did you get so smart?” Connor threaded their fingers together before leaning into his side. “Pretty sure I used to be the smart one.”

His thumb started to rub gentle circles on the back of his hand, “Nah, you can’t be the smart one and the tough one. Then, what would I be?”

“Obviously, you’re the cute one,” he looked up at Will, his face half mashed into his shoulder, oblivious to the dramatic irony.

“You can’t say I’m the cute one when you look like that. Besides, being cute isn’t useful.”

“I don’t care if you’re useful,” something passed across Connor’s face, one of those expressions that always had him wondering if Connor would ever consider therapy. “I just care that you’re you.”

Will pressed a kiss to his forehead, feeling the heat rise in his cheeks, “You know, if you keep saying things like that, Claire’s gonna have to forgive you.”