#not 100% settled on the idea that one is the True Meaning Of Unique. again part of my problem with this is the oversimplification of unique

[skrunksthatwunk]

hitting this article with a rolled up newspaper. bad. stop it

sigh. exhaustive argument that none of these shows grouped together have the same art style below, complete with images and whatever

oh also im not the type to comment on articles so idk the etiquette but don't like. go over there and say "ur list sucks >:P" that's just gonna bring more traffic to it. i linked it so people could ratio me if need be not so that you guys could dunk on this random listicle writer. it's pointless and kind of cruel. just so we're clear on that

edit: the quote above uses "time period" instead of "era". i quote it as saying "era" a lot. i'm not fixing that

note: here i'm assuming "art style" refers to, generally: character designs (facial and body proportions, how things like hair is dealt with, etc), lighting, color (palette, saturation, value), line weight, etc [and mostly excluding things like shot composition, direction, etc because while those probably count my personal experience with these shows is mostly limited, and because most people focus on the previous things i've listed in their discussions of art styles. the analysis within the article is incredibly shallow, and if they think samurai champloo's art style is "rehashed and reused", i don't think they're like. super deep in the art analysis sauce. anyway]

code geass vs death note. what are you saying. what are you talking about

code geass' approach to color is more vibrant, and dn's is more washed out. dn takes a more realistic approach to faces and bodies, both in proportion and in shape (namely how curved their features are (as opposed to cg's far more exaggerated sharp faces, large eyes, and lanky bodies. note how lelouch's lips barely jut out in profile, for instance)). i shouldn't have to explain this they're not even close

that's the most extreme example, but samurai champloo and cowboy bebop aren't That similar either

it's hard for me to speak on bebop for the most part because i've never seen it (vs my ~8 eps of samurai champloo knowledge), but from what i have seen, bebop often has a sort of delicate intricacy to a lot of its linework (especially its backgrounds) that champloo tends to sacrifice in favor of bolder lines and higher contrast. it was hard to find great examples, but the silhouettes champloo's characters cut are often sort of.. choppy and wild, and usually lanky and stretched-out, while bebop's are more realistic (focus on the shoulders in the last image set, for instance). there's overlap, sure, but there are clear and intentional differences in the designs, to say nothing of champloo's higher saturation and the natural differences between hand-drawn and digitally-drawn animation

(and if "art style" is referring to the direction rather than just character design, lighting, color, etc, it's because these two have the same director, which hardly creates an "era". that's like comparing two miyazaki films from the 90s and saying "this is what 90s anime movies looked like", it's nonsense. also, i feel like lumping these two together because they look a little similar is unfair because they're pretty unique from their contemporaries in their own right. they may resemble each other a bit, but how much do they resemble other late 90s early 00s sci-fi/historical anime? does samurai champloo look like outlaw star to you? or trigun? or evangelion? does cowboy bebop look like ninja scroll? or samurai 7? or sword of the stranger? etc etc etc?? if we're claiming that cowboy bebop and samurai champloo share an "era", then what of their contemporaries, and what about differences across bebop and champloo's very different genres? more on this point later)

even fruits basket and ouran, the ones i initially felt were most similar, have clear distinctions

ouran's got a distinct abundance of pastels in its color palette, tending towards pinks, blues, yellows, oranges, etc. its use of black and brown is very limited. fb's palette is a bit more relaxed, and while its colors are often pale, i wouldn't call them pastel (they also skew more towards natural, earthy tones). fb's characters have noticably.. flatter skulls? in some shots, and their heads are so squat that they can seem consumed by their eyes. anyway this is a trait ouran does not quite share, for a number of small reasons, like how their cheeks bow out, greater emphasis on noses and mouths, and its use of highly variable line weight (vs fb's very stable line weight). hair is more voluminous and multilayered in ouran, and features like lips and noses (esp noses) are fuller, more three dimensional (in general, ouran's approach to shading hair and faces makes the characters feel rounder). the sharp edges and bell-sleeves of ouran's uniform blazers are actually far more reminiscent of the designs in code geass than fruits basket, imo. (actually.. i'm not sure how to express this but a lot of the poses in ouran resemble code geass poses, in their locked-joint arms-stretched kinda way). ouran forgoes hair-shine, while fruit's basket adds them in either jagged points (see most of the images i included) or a sort of triangle wrapping around the head (not pictured here, just trust me)

(note: i'm assuming they are referring to the 2001 anime adaptation of fruits basket rather than the 2019 one, because not only does the 2019 adaptation resemble ohshc even less, but because they are closer in time period, and the grouping is supposedly based on era).

my point is none of these shows look rehashed from one another. there's sometimes overlap, but each has a unique aesthetic based in many small choices made in their design.

now let's look at their use of "eras" a little more. this is the timeline of air dates for the first episodes of the six shows mentioned (for their original japanese runs, obviously):

cowboy bebop, april 1998

fruits basket, july 2001

samurai champloo, may 2004

ouran high school host club, april 2006

code geass, october 2006

death note, october 2006

code geass and death note being paired by era is, at least, accurate. same month, same year. it's about as close as one can get. however, the other two groups are far more removed from each other. fruits basket and ouran have five years between them, and bebop and champloo have six. this wouldn't be such an issue if there weren't other anime within this list that came between them. if bebop and champloo are in the same era, why is fruits basket grouped differently? ouran came out in 2006 just like code geass and death note, so why is it grouped with something that came out five years prior instead of them?

i think it's fair to say that eras are not purely chronological, that there's overlap between them. one doesn't begin as soon as (and not a moment before) its singular predecessor ends. but era feels like an incomplete distinction here. this list alone shows quite a lot of variety for what someone can mean when they say something "looks like 2000s anime". most anime fans have a picture in their head of that, and, to be so honest, i don't think samurai champloo is it. using only time as a distinction rather than movement, genre, etc is simply not enough. the fact that 5/6 of these shows occur within 2001-2006, and yet they're set apart into three different eras, and each pair (in ways i'm sure the author of this piece would admit) does not resemble the other, is proof enough that 2001-2006 did not have one repetitive art style, at least not in a way these anime exemplify. that's to say nothing of whether or not the anime within the era-pairs look the same, which we've established i don't. but since they don't actually tell us what their eras are, we can only speculate. personally, i speculate that they didn't think about it too hard at all, or even look up the release dates, going off vibes instead, if that.

when this person is talking about "eras", i think "eras within certain styles or genres" is more accurate, but even with these in mind, matching shows up like this makes a lot less sense than i think they realize. death note and code geass are sometimes lumped together because they're both mind-gamey thrillers with megalomaniacal protagonists with a single unique power that they use to try and fix/control the world, not because of their art styles. trying to say they look the same just because they share plot elements and came out around the same time is just... really weird. fruits basket and ouran both fall into early 2000s shojo, which is part of why the comparison fits more. target demographics and what magazines cater to those demographics (and thus the aesthetics of those magazines, which you have to fit into enough to get your manga published, and which also just influence what you want, what readers want, etc through exposure) (<- oversimplifying) are an actual valid point of comparison, at least more so than "idk 2006 lol". even if the result is more like "romcom for girls, 2006"

it doesn't help that many of the choices they made for unique art styles don't feel particularly "unique" to me.

choices like mononoke and land of the lustrous i get. and i'm not saying any of the examples i've just pulled or in the article are bad art styles, or that they don't bring anything unique to the table. i'm sure many of them are beautiful, and help elevate the tones of the stories, and all that jazz, whatever. but if the name of the game is "unique", then i don't think these cut it from what i can see. it doesn't help that most of the analysis comes down to "it looks really really cool" or "you don't normally see this art style with this genre/tone" (which is not the same thing as being broadly unique, imo)

it could be that we have different impressions of what "art style" means. it could lie somewhere in the bits of art style that i cut out, like shot composition and direction, etc. and some of it is probably a difference in what constitutes uniqueness, both between our differing experiences with media and personal taste/philosophy. but i don't think i'm wrong here when i say that the assertion that samurai champloo is era-typical in a way that beyond the boundary (2013) isn't is just fucking wrong.

look i know that bit that i screenshotted that started all this was a filler paragraph. i know it was the mandatory setup for the listicle you scroll to immediately, the parts you're supposed to ignore. i usually ignore articles like this completely because they're kinda bullshit. but i think this hunt for what looks the most unique is a flawed and confused one, at least to some extent. especially when all of the justifications are like "it supports the vibe well", which is something that all art styles are supposed to do, no matter how "unique" they are or are not, and i think that when people discuss things like art styles and anime and what looks generic and what looks unique, lumping things together too much often removes the nuances that really do influence people. i'm an artist. it's gonna sound dumb, but the way things look matters to me, even if it's stuff like how shirtsleeves or noses are drawn. to ignore all these little differences that make each piece unique is to blend so many singular, unique things into this easy-to-categorize mush that just... does a disservice to the choices every artist makes, i think. even if it is a pretty mild disservice. again, i cannot stress enough that this article is not important, and that this post responding to it is also not important.

look, what i'm trying to say is stop and smell the roses. notice the differences in the art you consume and think about it. looking for something that's so different it jerks your brain around is cool and good and fine and normal, but to disregard things as "basically the same as xyz" is reductive and icky and i don't like it. if you want something unique idk go watch kaiba (2006) have fun it's really good. i'm going to bed

nvm miscellaneous gripes section + i go to bed at like 5am lol i LIED:

the only thing said about beyond the boundary's art style is "it's hard not to fall in love with the art style", and the rest of the comments are other elements. that's too vague! i'm docking points!!

a lot of this seems based in the color palette now that i'm rereading it. not that my analysis doesn't also involve that, and not that that's invalid, but it makes me think there uh. might not have been Too too much thought beyond that. (example: "Though the dark and cool colors provide a sense of dullness, these colors cater to the tone of the story, which is dark and representative of its heavy content." like. that's not. unique. that's not unique to solo leveling y'know to have a dark story be awash in dark and cool colors that's pretty normal actually. maybe how they do it is unique, but we'll never know bc i haven't seen solo leveling and the author didn't care to elaborate :/ oh well)

this one's petty but i actually think ohshc's art style is pretty unique. maybe it's just because i've seen it several times and certain details like how the bottom-lip-to-chin shadow is done have caught my attention but like. pouting crossing my arms huffing >:( i think it's unique wth...

demon slayer's an alright choice i agree. idk i barely watched it a few years ago and it still wrenched my art style in a new direction. i dunno anything that looks quite like it. i'm not mad about all these choices per se it's just hard to whittle something like uniqueness down to a top ten list, i guess. and to say samurai champloo's generic while violet evergarden is the 5th most unique anime you've ever seen is like. weird. you're setting yourself up for people to go ehhhh... idk...... if you're not picking stuff that's like. Clearly Out There (i.e. mononoke)

"It’s no surprise that Demon Slayer is an anime with some of the best art styles." i might be fighting something that was written by ai now that i think about it...

oh god this was totally written by ai. or it went very unedited. man i spent like 2 hours on this (<- LOSER LOSER). they can't decide what the plural of anime is

they insist that chainsaw man's art style is weird enough to maybe put people off, and the only reason i can think that is is bc it's cg. but don't do the same for land of the lustrous, which is also and much more obviously cg. idk

they phoned it in but didn't even include that ping pong anime smhing my head. y'know the one everyone includes. which means whoever wrote this actually did stick to personal choices over crowd-pleasers, or chatgpt goofed or whatever. idc. guys they didn't even put flcl (<- but they put gurren lagann? as a gurren lagann fan im confused) oh my godd

ik i said this before but im saying it again: a lot of their pros and cons come down to whether or not an art style is typical for that kind of story, so like whether something gritty in tone has a more realistic art style or whether it has something visually cutesy instead. art style is more than just those things, but even that analysis is like. pretty much as bare-bones as what i just said. yucky

oh also part of my issue with this (didn't phrase it right sorry) is like. "unique" is a broad term. a really broad term. it can mean anything. there is no top 10 anime with unique art styles article that would escape that problem, and my analysis here does not escape that problem. i find the term a little unproductive (same with the concept of "originality"), so just know that i guess

[ms-demeanor]

Stressed Computer Anon:

Hi friend!

You’ve actually given me the idea for a very helpful book I want to write but it’s pretty clear you’re not going to be okay waiting that long so here’s a very, very basic primer for people in similar situations

SO YOU THINK YOU’RE BEING CYBERSTALKED

If you’re worried about being tracked online by people who have somehow accessed your computer or phone and/or you’re worried about your computer being taken over FEAR NOT! This is VERY fixable!

So the thing is the only way that people can track you like this is by having some kind of network access to your devices. I can’t track your cellphone if it isn’t connected to the cell network (at least not without a pretty serious amount of legwork and a warrant) and I can’t track your computer if it’s not connected to the internet.

The absolute easiest, fastest, most guaranteed way to fix this problem is by disconnecting all your devices. I know that doesn’t seem great because what’s the point of having the devices if they’re not going to be connected, but don’t worry you’ll get this settled and get back online eventually.

What you are going to do FIRST is get on a device that you’ve never used before, get on a computer or phone network you’ve never used before, and you’re going to change your passwords. While you’re at it you may want to get yourself set up with a password manager. Here’s a step by step of the ideal way this would work:

Go to someplace with public-ish computers where you can use the computers for a while (school or public library works well)

Open up a private session of whatever browser is installed on that computer

Create a protonmail email account

Log in to each of your online accounts, change the recovery email to the protonmail account, and reset the passwords

(do the rest of the stuff that i’m going to tell you about)

Install a password manager AFTER you’ve sanitized your network and change all your passwords AGAIN using the password manager generated passwords.

Once you have reset all your passwords (steps 1-3) it is time to sanitize your network and your extant devices.

Start by doing a backup of your phone and your computer. This is a FILE BACKUP ONLY, you DO NOT want to restore from backup.

Make sure you’ve got the manufacturer installation discs and activation keys for any software that you have on your computer (or the online equivalent - you don’t use a disc to install MS office these days, you use a Microsoft account and you should have already changed your password for that) because you are going to have to REINSTALL your computer. This means you ALSO need an installation disc for your operating system.

Connect to your router and change the password, select the most secure security settings you router allows.

Reinstall your operating system on your computer and factory reset your phone (make sure you’ve written down all your contacts and saved all the files on your computer or phone to an external device because you will lose them with the reset/reinstall).

(Windows, Mac, Android, iOS)

Make sure that the only things you plug into your computer are things you’ve purchased - remove all wireless dongles for mice or keyboards, make sure the chargers for your phones are all ones that you’ve purchased and not any that were given to you, and only plug stuff back in if you’re 100% sure you know what it goes to.

AFTER REINSTALL/RESET TURN OFF ALL THE WEIRD WIRELESS CONNECTIONS YOUR PHONE AND COMPUTER MAKE. Turn off bluetooth, turn off network discoverability, turn off anything that lets shit talk to your computer or phone.

(This will break/disable things like smart speakers, activity trackers, and a bunch of other IoT tech. If you’re paranoid enough to be doing all of this stuff you should NOT be using those things anyway)

Once you’ve reinstalled your OS on your computer go online and set yourself up with a VPN. If you are feeling EXCEPTIONALLY paranoid you can do this using a mobile hotspot instead of your internet connection. Also if you are feeling exceptionally paranoid you can encrypt your devices.

Now that your traffic is encrypted go back into your router settings and reset your password again. You may want to consider purchasing a better/more secure router or one that has an included VPN (from that list I like the Synology router).

Since at this point your computer should be pretty much completely taken care of you can follow the steps in my other post on the issue to secure your phone.

At this point if you connect to the internet through a secured router and a vpn, and if you are using a VPN on the phone and don’t have any weird mystery apps installed and have shut down app permissions, and if you’re doing all of that carefully and well and you’ve changed all your passwords a couple times, nobody should reasonably be able to snoop your traffic.

That isn’t to say I’d consider this setup safe to plot against the government or anything or to prevent a subpoena to your wireless provider if someone filed one, but for the average weirdo on the internet who wants to creep on your traffic you’ve pretty much locked them out.

After that be careful about what you post online (because a SHOCKING amount of what people think has come from someone spying on their network is actually just stuff that’s reasonably extrapolated from your socials) and if someone approaches you in person about your online activities don’t be alone with that person and publicly challenge them about what they’re saying (maybe take a video of them and post that online). Also do not allow other people physical access to your phone, computer, or router.

Based on the descriptions you’ve given me in your asks it seems reasonably possible that you’re experiencing some upsetting coincidences and that nothing is happening, but there’s also a possibility that someone is remotely accessing your computer. If so, doing everything that I’ve described will close off their access.

If you continue to have these upsetting experiences after going through all of these steps I’d say to have a conversation with a reasonable friend and get a reality check. Unfortunately people are often very scared of computers and because they don’t understand them sometimes innocuous things can be upsetting.

There have been several people who have visited our hacker meetups over the years to beg us to stop the hackers attacking them when there is nobody attacking them or they’ve got things set up in such a way that it would be impossible to do what they think is happening. Fixating on the belief that you’re being attacked and tracked can be very upsetting and can make you more likely to misinterpret nonthreatening happenstance as a cohesive and intentional plan.

I’m not saying that’s what’s happening to you, your circumstance is in a gray area where I don’t want to tell you that someone is watching you and you should be paranoid because that’s not what it sounds like, but the things you’re describing reasonably COULD be because of intruders on your computer so there’s no harm in hardening your network. HOWEVER if you DO harden your network and that doesn’t make you feel any better it’s time to ask for some assistance from people in your life.

IN GENERAL to avoid having people remotely access your computer you should:

Make sure that you are very cautious about what programs you install

Do not open unexpected email attachments and do not click on mystery links

Use unique passwords across your accounts

Do not allow people physical access to your devices

Use encryption on your web traffic through a VPN or a secured router

Do not grant people permission to access your computer or allow people to talk you through the process of setting up access for them (so if someone calls from “microsoft” and says they need access to your computer to fix it just hang up)

Use a strong antivirus program

And in general if you think that something FUCKING WEIRD is going on with your computer you should

document every instance of it being fucking weird

take a photo or video of the fucking weird thing on your phone

think about what someone has to gain by accessing your system

think about the ways that someone could plausibly access your system

check in with someone who knows more about computers than you do (like me - this is the right thing to do! and similarly the people who come to the hacker meetups are doing the right thing! But it’s important to listen to these folks and learn from the conversation instead of dismissing the information they give you - that “what do they gain” question applies here too. I have nothing to gain by misleading you, so it’s very unlikely that I’m lying to you)

And in your life in general:

If you’re scared about something you should ask questions and learn more. Everything is much less scary when you know how to fix it or are able to identify the source of a problem. This is true for computers, it’s true for auto repair, it’s true for plumbing.

So I’m really glad you asked, and good luck. I hope this helps.

[kingofthewilderwest]

I know you aren’t keen on getting a bunch of asks recommending media, but is there anything you’ve gotten into lately that you’re during to pitch to people?

Let's see. ^.^ I'm currently watching Adventure Time. This is my first time watching every episode sequentially (circa 2013 or 2014 or so, I watched a spattering of episodes out of order but never finished the show). Currently in S6. I absolutely love how the world grows in Adventure Time. You can tell the early seasons were written with little in mind, simply going out, being wild, being spontaneous, and creating a wacky, trippy world. But that turned into a world with great depth, heart, and expansion as the series continues (especially once you enter Season 5). The worldbuilding is awesomely done.

I feel like lots of shows, when they transition from "early spontaneity" to "long-term comfort," they lose something. I think of Futurama. The early seasons of Futurama are incredible because it's not formulaic to the viewer; events are unexpected; new characters are introduced rather than repeated, expected, predictable recurrences. Futurama is still a HELL of a show in its middling seasons, etc. and a fave of mine. The Office (USA) also has that challenge/loss. But damn, Adventure Time managed the transition INCREDIBLY smoothly and well, I love how you settle into the world. How you get into the depth. How you get worldbuilding. How you get into deeper story messages. And how even in the midst of all that, you still maintain that spark, that spontaneity, that uniqueness, that vibe that made me get interested in the show in the first place.

Adventure Time straddles the line between two types of off-kilter: the positive, quirky-bright off-kilter, and the slight-off-slightly-dark-off-kilter. It's great. I've also heavily appreciated the cast of characters, how there's a ton of women characters, and how they're all very interesting, in-depth, and not standard/stereotypes.

But uhhhhhh. Really my current hyperfixation is. Uh. Bluegrass. [laughter] Seriously. Bluegrass. Especially first generation bluegrass circa 1940s-1960s. I made a fuckin' sideblog intentionally to avoid folks unwantedly suffering juxtaposition of fictional fandom and music history obsessing. Heh. Hilariously, I've been timid to show the true depths of my screeching passion. Rn I'm trying to do blog clean-up and a mini-restart (halfway through retagging my posts! and planning to change how I write my posts so they're shorter, etc.), and trying to get more outgoing... because let's be real, it's going to be more entertaining if I'm gungho crying screeching infodumping unrestrained about the subject, whatever your background is on the subject. I know I enjoy reading posts on any topic if the writer is sufficiently excited, so I need to uh, channel the excitement! SO THAT'S WHAT I AM PLANNING TO DO.

And seriously that's where all my excitement in life is right now!!! It's changed my life and I'm not even joking (not gonna go into here rn why but yeah it has). Like holy shit I can't get enough of reading about these dudes from the 1950s. I can't get enough listening to them, watching videos, learning the little nothings, the stupid humorous stories, the Drama(tm) between competing bands, the development of the music, me learning how to play banjo and fiddle, writing creative stories (fics????) inspired by the topic, everything!!! I can listen to a recording and tell you which fiddler is playing in this band or which mandolin picker or which tenor is singing and probably estimate what year it was recorded because like, holy shit man, I have found my CALLING. I've started collecting 100 year old records! I'm heading to a bluegrass festival this weekend for three solid days of internal (and probably external) fanboying. Gah it's like, fucking, there's all those K-Pop fans out there and they have each other to scream with, and i'm all here by my lonesome on this fucking genre. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE FOR THE BETTER so I cannot be happier at where my mind has headed.

So if you want to uhhhh read..... THAT??!?!?!?!?! uh? I mean, I don't expect you to be interested. BUT YOU ARE WELCOME TO COME ABOARD AND POKE ME and see what the stupid fucking shit I've somehow managed to get myself into. Okay but seriously it's so coool like all the different banjo playing styles??? How many people innovated their own style and taught themselves to play? ALL THE DIFFERENT INFLUENCES THAT GO INTO BLUEGRASS MUSIC??? How it's simultaneously a hella progressively innovative music style from its inception to today while also considered USA American traditional music? How many of these songs are several hundred years old and originated as English, Scottish, and the like folk tunes? How you might find out a bluegrass song actually originated as an obscure broadway tune that got coopted, or a Jamaican folk song, or big band jazz, or...? I mean holy cow dude, music is awesome and i'm so glad that it's a major part of my life again.

a;eogiaje;roigaje;roiagjerioj I have no idea if this is anything you wanted, but that's my answer I guess! Full of incoherence. Have a great one and stay awesome.

[seyaryminamoto]

I recently saw a video where GRRM talked about how he saw two different kinds of writers. He mentioned the gardener(planting the seed of an idea and letting it grow) and the architect(who plans out and organizes everything ahead of time). Obviously, every writer is a little bit of both but I was wondering which you relate to more and if you’d be willing to share some more about your own writing approaches and processes :)

I think I've answered similar questions in the past, but it'd be near impossible to dig it out in this ridiculously big, chaotic archive of my blog xD so I guess I'll answer it again, and if we come across the previous answers I've given, it'd even be fun to compare if there's anything different in the answer these days (?)

Personally, I think the best way to go about this is to have a mix of both things, but for me, it's in a very specific manner.

While I absolutely see the value in letting a story spiral and grow into whatever it wants to be, I have to say I don't think my best work comes from that. The lack of structure is similarly liberating and dangerous, because if your story's purpose isn't something you, as an author, have really made up your mind about, it's 100% possible that the story will end up going in very strange directions that MIGHT not make much sense, when you look at where you started out.

I've told this story a few times, but it bears repeating xD my first "serious" attempt at writing (by which I mean, I took it seriously, not that the content itself was super serious, since it was a trainwreck more often than not xD) started off as a perfectly happy romcom high school story! And tbh, to this day I love it as it is... but I know, I KNOW, that I totally warped the initial purpose and process of the story when, upon fulfilling the first bit of conflict in the story and leaving some massive loose ends I had to wrap up, I found myself at a loss because I had no idea how to continue. I was seriously, genuinely, at a loss for ideas and storylines to keep going. What, then, did I come up with?

... my happy romcom characters ended up embroiled in an organized crime catastrophe that has ZERO build-up in the first part of the story xD

(To the eagle-eyed who might have picked up something here... yes. That is 100% what I was poking fun at through Yang in Gladiator during the Fire Lord's Shadow arc. Yes. I mock myself. More accurately, I make Azula and Sokka mock my most questionable writing choices :'D)

Now, then, I had a very weird mess in my hands and I admit, it wasn't a great place to be at xD you see me now with my very, very small likelihood of falling into writer's block? Well, back then, I spent more time blocked than writing, for sure :'D and one of the reasons why that happened is because, while I had some ideas for what I wanted to write in the future? I didn't really have a set direction beyond "I want these and these characters as endgame relationships!", which is pretty much the most basic level of "plotting" you can pretend to do, as a writer xD And ironically, even then I was far more malleable and willing to experiment with whatever character combinations came up later, which even resulted in me discovering, well into writing a story, that some characters I absolutely did NOT conceive in a relationship were actually pretty good together! :'D

But that I had very little direction when I started writing that story was still a problem. I actually found more direction and built some more structure as I reached the last part of the story, and I will say, it's the strongest bit of it, by far xD (as evidence of what I'm saying, it was the first time I ever wrote an OUTLINE DOC! XD) but I have no doubts that, if I'd had the foresight to actually know where I was going, the story as a whole would be much much better, no matter how much I love it for what it is.

So! This particular writing experience of mine taught me countless things, among them, to actually ponder direction and purpose in stories instead of diving in blindlly. It's not really about having foreshadowing hints every ten minutes, which is what some people take as a sign of quality (I'll dare be quite controversial and say that not because you know what you'll write ten years down the line does it mean your story automatically makes sense... xD), it's about actually having a purpose in what you're building, a real direction, character arcs and plotlines that, to put it simply, work.

Therefore... I know for a fact that I can't be a full-blown plantser (or gardener) because I've tried it, and while I absolutely see the merits, the drawbacks are pretty sizable for me, and it just really doesn't work with my approach to storytelling.

Thus... If I MUST choose a category out of them both, I'd say I'm an architect, but the truth is I'm not an architect in the most strict sense of the word, either :'D

If you want a super strong building, you obviously need the best foundations for it. But you don't stop there, of course: erecting a building takes a lot of different efforts and processes if you really want your building to not only stand tall but to be a proper, decent place to live in. And while in real life, the reasonable thing would be to have a plan for each of those little details you have to build in, from filling the walls, to the type of flooring, down to even the decor... in writing, THIS is where I take the gardener approach! :'D

I don't know if I've said it in the past, but while sometimes I don't know how to start a story (which, despite my carelessness with the matter in the past, I've come to realize is a VERY delicate choice to make, one that can actually destroy my immersion in a story if it's a choice made carelessly), usually, I try to make myself think about where it's going, first of all. Currently, I have a few potential original projects rolling around in my head... and I don't know where they start :'D but I DO know where I'll take them, what the actual, ultimate climax of those stories would be. This, then, is the most basic foundation for a story, for me. I choose a destination, kinda, and then build the journey there :D

This is, loosely speaking, how I've built up Gladiator. And yet Gladiator, being the ridiculously big mess that it is, required a very unique plotting approach that I suppose might be at odds with a lot of what I've said so far xD yet it also remains true to a lot of what I've said here :'D

When I first started to ponder this story, the first plot point was obvious and instinctive: Sokka's capture. When Chaosconetic (the one who first gave me the idea for this story) suggested it, he didn't quite put forward the idea of having Azula being the one who captured Sokka personally. I thought of making Azula and Sokka first come face to face in this way because... honestly? Because I just wanted them to interact as soon as possible x'DDDD it complicated matters, of course, but that was absolutely something I could work with.

Yet... where was I going with this story? It was a rewrite of ATLA as a whole, so what exactly was the direction for the story? Clearly, Azula and Sokka would wind up falling in love, and how exactly would that come about? And beyond that, wouldn't it be a seeerious mess for this to happen in a setting where Ozai is STILL in power? Why, of course it would be! :'D It added a new layer of complications to the generally already complicated Sokkla relationship, and instead of it being kept secret or being a forbidden romance for the reasons canon-based stories typically make it so, it's BEYOND forbidden here because Ozai is still a very much active factor in this story, and he makes everything worse :D soooooo...

With these particular factors in mind, I had several things to think about. With Sokka fighting as a gladiator being the core of the story, I had to figure out who would be his rivals, and in doing so, figure out what his power curve as a warrior would look like :'D in doing so, I settled very quickly on Toph for his main serious rival, but Sokka wasn't the only one whose story I'd be telling: obviously, Azula's arc would be important too, as I'd have to work with developing her FAR MORE than I ever had before, and while Sokka's personal opponents would be important, Azula is the one who chooses Sokka as her personal warrior, therefore, she had to have a purpose in doing so. Said purpose then materialized when I decided to make use of Zhao's character for Azula's main goal and foil, and so, I needed Zhao to have THE best gladiator of all... and I didn't need to think about it too much before I settled on Combustion Man for the role :'D

Thus, those were small, isolated yet pivotal elements that I had to articulate into a structure that made sense :D they were small things I settled on pretty quickly, from the very first few days of plotting. I can say for certain that, by the third day, I already had settled on the climax (... can't decide whether that's a fortunate or unfortunate wording choice, tbh xD) scene of Part 1, when Azula and Sokka have their fateful fight in chapter 96, then finally succumb to their attraction and act on their feelings without holding back, in chapter 97 :'D I knew I wanted this to happen after Sokka hit a low point upon failing to defeat Toph, either for the second time or after losing against her far too many times that he just was too discouraged to keep going, hence, I knew what the lead-up to this would be from literally day THREE.

But beyond this? At like... day one or two of plotting, once I settled on Combustion Man as the ultimate man to defeat? I also settled on how Part 2 would end :> back then, I honestly had no idea how much time there would be between the events from chapter 97 and the upcoming culmination of Part 2, I wasn't anywhere near advanced enough with plotting to even KNOW I'd split the story into parts because it would get too big to handle xD But what I did know was that I needed these two situations to happen, situations deeply entwined with Sokka's role as a gladiator. Everything in between was variable, and it was stuff I could figure out slowly, along the way.

The ultimate direction of the story, though? That did take me a long time to settle on xD In fact, I think it took me well over a year after I got started to really figure out where I was going with all of this. A close friend helped me figure out things by offering many ideas for Zuko and Suki's storyline, basically tossing them at me in hopes that I'd make sense out of some of them... and I don't really know if she even knows how much that helped me xD I really spent a long time unsure of what I wanted to do, what I COULD do... until at long last, I settled on one slightly ambitious direction that eventually turned into what you'll all know as Part 3 :'DDDDD

So... yeah, that's why I say I'm being contradictory as heck xD Yes, I worked out some core details of the story since the very beginning, but it wasn't ALL the core details, let alone the ultimate direction of the story, BUT... in building up Azula's character arc, that direction slowly became clearer to the point where, when this particular possibility stared me in the face, I knew it was where we had to go, I realized that what I'd written over that year was leading up perfectly to that outcome.

Ergo, Gladiator is 100% a work of gardening and architecture, woven together to a point where I have a hard time remembering what, exactly, was the result of each thing. There's some things that I settled on early on, like I said, structure things... and then there are some parts where the characters just went wild and did things I did NOT expect them to do xD There's one scene coming up, right before the climax of Part 2, where Azula actually does something that I honestly WASN'T sure of doing... and yet I couldn't resist the urge to go forward with it, once the idea came to mind, and so I did it. And now I regret nothing xD was it necessary? Possibly not. Will some people find it weird and out of place? Maybe. But was it CATHARTIC AS HECK!? Aaaabsolutely friggin' yes XD pardon me for being so self-indulgent, but that's part of what being a gardener is about (?)

So, I really think the best stories benefit from a careful approach to mixing the principles of both ideas. I know that some gardeners think that a structure can stifle creativity (not necessarily true, if you sense a lack of creativity in anything you're doing, it IS up to you to turn it around, switch it up and make it interesting, right...?), I also suspect architects might think gardeners would be utterly unable to tell a good story altogether in virtue of letting the story run away with them (also not necessarily true, as the quality of a story isn't quantifiable as easily as that, gardeners might just make masterpieces without as much need of direction as I personally require: Philip Pullman apparently had no set direction in the His Dark Materials trilogy and I could swear that's some of the best storytelling I have EVER seen).

Ultimately, each person gets to choose their ideal approach and what exactly they're trying to do with their work, as well as how they want to do it... but if you ask me, if your characters never seem to pull you in unexpected directions, you might just need to rework them or approach them differently to give them more life. If they DO pull you in those unexpected directions, but you're not sure if you can follow them just because you need to follow structure, it's really up to you as the author to choose whether to sacrifice the life/creativity within your own work and stick to structure, or sacrifice structure and potentially cause your story's course to crumble :'D

It may sound like I'm advocating for gardening so much more, despite I've labeled myself an architect, buuuuut... ironically, a very complicated but VERY rewarding scene in Gladiator Part 3 damn near WRECKED my structure when I was writing it a few weeks ago :'D I literally had to take a day off from actually writing so I could make a list of ALL the elements that would be impacted by this change if I went forward with it. If I chose against it, I would have to rewrite the complicated scene in a different way, and it might have been waaay too weird to make it work. If I chose to keep it, I had to tread VERY carefully or end up potentially making a mess of the ultimate direction of Gladiator's story, even threatening the themes and nuance that I have been counting on since I settled on this direction. Thus, sometimes gardening can be dangerous. Very, very dangerous.

I THINK I found a fair enough compromise that allows me to keep the best of both worlds... but I hope I've made it clear that both ways of working have their pros and cons, and why even mixing both things can have pros and cons xD but this is also why I, personally, think that a writer benefits the most from figuring out at least a loose outline, the broad strokes of what they want to achieve in a story, and then figuring out the many ways in which they could fill in those foundations, in whatever way they're most comfortable.

And so, I have rambled plenty xD I hope that was thorough enough, my position in this particular subject is honestly to oscillate in the middle of both things, where part of your job as the writer is to determine which situation benefits more from either approach :D Like I said before, I've found structure isn't something I can sacrifice easily, but more often than not, letting the story flow, letting the characters make their own choices, can enrich your story rather than hinder it. So... I lay the foundations, the structure, so that seeds can grow inside it, if that makes sense xD

[cxlvins]

...000. INTRODUCTION.

helloooo lovelies ! my name is naomi (he/him), i’m twenty-two and from the gmt timezone ! i’m super excited for this to open because i’ve got so much muse right now. i’m down for any and all plots, seriously, i love plotting ! this is calvin, he’s an angry mess of a character, but he’s fun to play, so ! if you just wanna get to know the character, you can skip past the other sections and just focus on personality, i’ve also put some wanted connections in there too ! if you would like to plot, then either shoot me a message here or on discord (heterosexual? how vintage!#8600) or alternatively, like this post and i will message you !

caution: alcohol, drugs, mental health, death.

°☼ ◜ xavier serrano, cismale, he/him ◞ ∗ ∘ good to see you again, calvin marx. you're twenty-three now, right ? i heard you’ve been streaming professionally on twitch  … crazy how time flies. you were always known as the crimson. i’m glad to see you’re just as gregarious as always — and volatile, too .. kidding ! bella used to always mention it …you were her bad influence, after all. don’t worry, we’ll find her soon. what matter is that we’re together now, right ? not really.  + thrift-store clothing, bruised knuckles, a scent of cologne & cigarettes.  + watermelon sugar by harry styles.

...001. BRIEF HISTORY.

calvin grew up very underprivileged for the first 11 years of his life in brooklyn, ny.

his father died when he was 5 years old to a drug overdose, leading his mother became a single mother to him and his younger sister, essentially meaning that calvin had to grow up and be the ‘man of the house’ without having a choice.

because of her new single-mother status, calvins mother had to work 3 different jobs in order for the family to pay rent (a cleaner in mornings, a store assistant in the day and a bartender in the evenings), which meant she was rarely home and left calvin to raise both himself and younger sister.

from a very early age, it was apparent that calvin suffered from anger issues, dyslexia and adhd, constantly getting into fights at every opportunity, his complete inability to focus and never managing to make it through a week at school without a phone call home.

these issues remained untreated, due to his mother putting it down to the ‘boys will be boys’ ideology, and concluding that calvin was just an energetic one at that.

because of this, calvin fell into the wrong crowd pretty quickly and settled into his mindset that he was never going to achieve all that much anyway, because no matter how hard he tried, he could never score well on any test at school.

at the age of 9, calvins mother met, fell in love with and soon married a former client for whom she cleaned for.  calvins new step father was incredibly wealthy, due to being a successful franchisee and also being very largely into stock trading.

calvin, his sister and mother were all moved to his home in wilmington, which calvin struggled to adjust to, as he missed his friends back north.

he quickly made friends with the clique as he was brought into it by jordan and it did put some ease on his pressure, but part of him always felt like he should still be back in brooklyn.

now having access to as much money as he want led him down an early path into experimenting with drugs and alcohol, which soon became a bad habit.

although he wanted to drop out of school, his new step-father would not allow it, which became a large source of conflict for the family over the course of the next few years.

failing to graduate high school at age eighteen, calvin couldn’t deal with living with his family any more and left the house to move into a small apartment, 30 minutes away, with a roommate (possibly a member of the clique).

calvins only real passions were for gaming and sport, and as he smoked and did way too many drugs to make it in any sporting profession, he turned his attention to twitch streaming. he began this pretty soon and built up a solid fanbase (which he wanted to call the marxists, but in calvins words, apparently some dead man already claimed that title). 

...002. PERSONALITY.

calvin is a naturally angry person who can lose his cool and go from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds, he rarely gives off signs that he is getting angry until he boils over, so people tend to watch what they say around him.

calvin is self-serving, his feelings will always come before those around him. although he is getting better at managing this, if something will result in calvin gaining something at the expense of somebody else, he will most likely go ahead with it.

calvin is not well educated, so he doesn’t tend to enjoy arguing with words, as he can never seem to find the ones to correctly express how he feels. instead, calvin is much more likely to act physically when something has irritated him (whether this be on a person or inanimate object).

calvin is an awful liar, he cannot lie to save his life as his face always tends to show when he doesn’t agree with an idea/opion/thought that somebody says. because of this, he is very outspoken, and will just say what he’s thinking regardless of if it’s going to hurt somebodies feelings. he’d rather upset them with the truth, than get caught out for lying.

calvin is an extrovert and gains energy from being around people - the more people the better, because of this, he has become a major party animal and loves attending any and all parties that is going on, despite if he’s fond of the hosts or not.

calvin is a heavy user of drugs, alcohol & cigarettes. this is primarily down to his naturally addictive personality and constant need to feel like he’s happy, so that he doesn’t get sad again. there will rarely be a day where he will not  be intoxicated in some way and he will have a cigarette at least once an hour -- and that’s on a good day.

calvin is very much into sports. although not a natural athlete, nor somebody interested in playing sports competitively, calvin loves watching any and all sports, and he likes to play them when he can. due to his smoking habit, he can’t play sports for too long, but will always give it a good go.

similarly to this, calvin is very much into gaming. calvin loves fast-paced games, because they manage to keep his attention despite him not having a very long attention span. most games that he plays are first person shooters, and he’s usually the guy on the mic screaming when a teammate fucks up during online play. a big appeal to him was that games were the only thing he could focus his mind on as a child.

calvin is very much a boys boy, he genuinely abides by the bible of ‘ bros before hoes ‘ because he’s stupid.

calvin hates movies but loves tv, he finds that watching moves involves sitting still for too long, but tv allows him to take more breaks and keeps his interest for longer. although. he’d probably trade both of them for a chance to leave the house.

...003. TRAITS.

[ G R E G A R I O U S ] (+) — a person fond of company; sociable.

[ I N T U I T I V E ] (+) — using or based on what one feels to be true even without conscious reasoning; instinctive.

[ F O R T H R I G H T ] (+) — direct and outspoken.

[ V O L A T I L E ] (-) — liable to change rapidly and unpredictably, especially for the worse.

[ V E N G E F U L ] (-) — not willing to forgive or excuse people's faults or wrongdoings.

[ H E D O N I S T I C ] (-) — engaged in the pursuit of pleasure; sensually self-indulgent.

...004. BELLA KIM.

when calvin met bella, he never took too much of a shine to her, deeming her to be a rather fake individual and not understanding the rest of the groups investment with her. however, because he was a new introduction to the group and not there from the beginning, calvin felt he couldn’t really speak up and vocalise that without being dropped from the group himself.

for whatever reason, bella herself took a liking to calvin and he decided to use this to his advantage. for a girl with such a clean reputation, it seemed only the sensible thing to try and corrupt her -- which proved successful. 

calvin introduced bella to the world of bad decisions and the two spent many nights breaking several laws and it created a sort of bond that only the pair really understood. they never talked about anything personal -- or, if they did, they were too high to remember -- but calvin saw a side to bella that not many others did, which he liked.

after moving out, calvin and bellas meetings became much less frequent as the group drifted apart. they would still meet up for occasional meet-ups, their last one being 3 months before the disappearance of bella.

calvin does not believe that she is alive and is dealing with it, as expected, not very well.

...005. WANTED CONNECTIONS.

CURRENT BEST FRIENDS — Possibly a boy squad? I live for a good boy squad. This person will have similar interests to Calvin, or be able to tolerate his volatile mood.

CHILDHOOD BEST FRIENDS — Someone with a similar upbringing from Brooklyn, most likely they grew apart when Calvin moved to Wilmington.

RIDE OR DIES — Although he primarily looks out for himself, I’m down to have Calvin have one person who he’s loyal to and will refuse to betray, we can come up with a fun reason for why he cares so much if you’re interested in this one.

HIS ROOMMATE — Somebody that moved with Calvin into his current apartment when he moved out at 18.

A GOOD INFLUENCE ON CALVIN — One of my favorite connections for Calvin to have is somebody who knows all of his flaws and attempts to help fix them. They’ll have to be patient, though, as Calvin doesn’t see himself for having any issues.

SOMEBODY HE IS A BAD INFLUENCE OF — On the opposite, I love when Calvin has somebody that he can introduce to bad things, corrupt easily and get a kick out of watching the commotion.

EXES ON BAD TERMS — Cheating on each other is usually an easy one to go with, but if you want, we can think of something more unique as to how it all fucked up and why they now hate each other.

EXES ON GOOD TERMS — Maybe they still occasionally fuck? There could still be an attraction there, but just no romantic chemistry. Alternatively, they tried it and both just couldn’t see it going anywhere.

EXES WITH LINGERING FEELINGS — There’s a ton of different reasons for why there’s still lingering feelings. The feelings could be one-sided or both ways.

EX FLINGS — Started as friends with benefits, one of them wanted more, the other didn’t, they decided to stop before someone got hurt.

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS — No romantic intention, just a good way to kill time at 2 AM, or maybe it’s easy to know you have someone to go home to if you don’t find someone at a party.

FRIENDS FOR NECESSITY — This friend may not have that much in common with Calvin, they may not really get on in day to day life, but they are always there to get high, attend a party or do something dumb. an easy person to talk to when they’re both bored and wanna get out.

HIS YOUNGER SISTER — If anybody fancies a second character, I’m always down to have Calvins sister in the roleplay. They can either get along or not, we’ll just figure out the details.

EX FRIENDS — Used to be close but now aren’t, plenty of reasons as to why.

ENEMIES — Despise each other, seeing this person literally makes Calvins blood boil. Possibly sexual tension too if that would work, if not, they can just fight a lot.

WILL THEY / WON’T THEY — Lots of leading on and teasing each other, maybe they both think they’re stringing the other along but it turns out neither of them are interested? Maybe they start out not interested and it backfires later, by that time the other could’ve lost interest.

ANY OTHER IDEAS YOU THINK WILL WORK !

...006. ADDITIONAL INFORMATION.

Calvin is bisexual but heteroromantic, so any sexual-based connections can be taken by any gender.

Calvins Pinterest can be located here. Please note that it contains triggers for alcohol, drugs, blood & violence.

[perhaps-a-pencil]

Tips for Writing College Essays

Well, it’s that time of year again, and as someone who only recently survived the gauntlet that is college applications, I’m more than happy to share a few tips.

For your commonapp/personal essay:

DO NOT make this your list of accomplishments. They will get a resume for that. This essay is your chance to show them what sets you apart from other candidates and give them a glimpse into who you are. That could mean a hobby that has shaped you (I did mine about writing), a meaningful personal experience, some piece of art/writing/music that is important to you and why, ect. 

Don’t be afraid to show your voice. When writing these, it’s easy to try and slip into a more formal voice intended for informative essays. Write professionally, but casually (no slang, unless it really fits the moment, and try to avoid cliches). Make it true to you.

If you are struggling to come up with an idea, do a brainstorming session. Get a blank document and jot down every idea that comes to mind about things, moments, people, or actions that have shaped you. Try to find something that shows you learning a good theme in a positive light (colleges like to know that you can face challenges and learn from them).

Make sure the one you settle on shows things about you, doesn’t make excuses for your past behavior/mistakes and instead shows how they helped you grow as a person (if you decide to go with a personal story)

Show them an answer to the question: Why do I deserve to get into this school?

On the other hand, don’t say “I deserve to get into this school because...” Instead, describe the event/hobby/moment you chose and let it answer the question for you. 

If you are going to tell a story in your essay, there’s a good general structure you can follow to help get you started. The word limits below are assuming there is a 650 word limit. Obviously this can differ depending on the pacing of your writing or the kind of personal story you are telling, so do whatever you need to do to write a solid essay!

Intro (0-50 words): Here, touch on the theme or lesson you are going to explore. Try to start with a relevant hook, and like any story, these can be dialogue, description, action, or simply intriguing statements relevant to essay. Successful intros often hint at the theme the essay is about to explore, by starting at a different time than the rest of the essay, or show a glimpse of what happens as a result of the personal growth you are about to describe.

Setup (50-150 words): Take a step back and start to tell the story from the beginning. Introduce the important people, settings, and situations that led to...

Conflict (50-150 words): What challenge did you face? How did it make you feel? It helps if the setup explains, at least in part, why this conflict is so important. If that needs more elaboration, now is the time to show it. Why does this conflict matter?

Reaction (100-200 words): Now that you’ve faced this problematic situation, how did you respond? In retrospect, was it the right thing to do? The wrong thing? If anyone or anything guided you along the way, now is the time to explain how their influence benefited you and helped you get through this challenge.

Conclusion (50-100 words): Now, solidify the theme of your essay. Tie it back to the intro if you can (mention the same dialogue/description/action). Make sure you show what you learned and how this experience changed you - into a stronger, more prepared person.

For “Why this School” Essays

BE SPECIFIC. You need to show this school why they are the perfect fit for you. Mention professors doing research you would like to be involved in, or study abroad opportunities unique to that college, or how that one specific club would mean the world to you, or how the community there feels perfect and here’s why.

Do a little research, and show it off. Show the colleges that you know who they are and what they can offer you. This demonstrates that you care about the university and have interest in its opportunities, and will immediately set you apart from students who copy and past their “why this school” essay for each university they are applying to.

If you are doing this right, you will have to rewrite the essay for each university. It should be that specific to the school. 

Be sincere. Touch on what really interests you about this school - you’re applying for a reason, right? Show them that once you get there, you’ll be involved and contribute to their community.

The good thing about these essays is that once you have a general formula, all you need to do is some research and write it out. These are generally shorter than personal essays, but still try to have a good hook at the start and a solid conclusion at the end. I wouldn’t recommend trying to make a thematic statement out of this one; the word limit is simply too low and it could muddle the point you are trying to get across, which is “I like this school because it has these COOL things!”

Again, all of this advice is just what I’ve learned from reading a few books about college essays and going through the application process myself. If it helps, I was able to get into my top school (no Ivy Leagues though) so take or leave what works for you. It is not a comprehensive list or anything, but it might be enough to help you get started if you aren’t sure how to tackle the next few months of essays and resumes and interviews.

Well, I hope it helps! If you have any questions feel free to ask. My friends are just getting started in the process so I wanted to share some advice to them and anyone else who needs it.

Good luck! 

[starker-stories]

The Cold, Chapter 4 - The Messages Series

This chapter on AO3

By @thestarkerisobvious​ and @starker-stories​​

New chapters in the series post every Thursday.

All links are to AO3. You don’t need to be a creator to have an AO3 account. You can have one solely as a reader. But to read anything at all in this series, you can just be an anonymous reader and/or commenter.

The best way to keep up with The Cold is to subscribe to the story on AO3. And the best way to keep up with the Messages Series is also to subscribe. Click on the ‘subscribe’ button on each of the above links.

Tags: Tony Stark Feels, Peter Parker Feels, College Student Peter Parker, Established Relationship, Anal Sex, Oral Sex, Tony Stark Still Has Arc Reactor, Arc Reactor Kink, Peter Parker is a Mess, Spider-Man powers, Communication, They Finally Communicate!, And Fuck Of Course Look at Who It’s Written By Of Course They Fuck, Avengers Compound

The entire Messages Series.  All links are to AO3.

Messages Unsent  (complete & posted)

Nothing More Than A Machine  (complete & posted)

Tomorrow  (complete & posted)

My Virgin (Revisited)  (completely & posted)

The Cold  (completely written) posts every Thursday  

Untitled Book 6  ( in progress )

Untitled Book 7  ( in progress )

Chapter 4:   Fifteen

“So, this is going to sound unrelated but… hear me out.

“I’d been asked to go to this group that meets at this really liberal church; it’s where all the gay advocacy groups meet. Anyway long story short, some people I go to class with swear by it, and I was just so damn angry and lonely and frustrated and weird so I figured it couldn’t hurt. Okay that’s a long involved story but the point is I was talking to some guys there and they said if your dad leaves early? You’ll never get to find out how imperfect he was. And I was like, ‘Wow, my dad died when I was like four, so do I win?’ And they’re like, “No, now your view of guys is screwed up forever because you’ll never know that he wasn’t perfect, that there’s no such thing as the perfect guy, because you didn’t ever get to know your father as an adult.” And I don’t know, none of them even had dads so what did they know, but I thought about it a lot…”

The berm was directly in front of them now. One perfect single wall, about forty feet long and fifteen feet high. Peter dashed across the wooden splinters that littered it and, with that short running start, leapt to the top, landing on his hands. He then walked across the top of the wall on his hands, continuing the conversation upside-down.

 “I talked about it with Ned and he says it’s true, once you realize your dad is NOT perfect, but just a human guy who makes mistakes sometimes, it changes everything. And I wondered about that. My dad was just a normal guy in the end, a guy who must have screwed up sometimes, like everyone. And Ben…” He shifted his weight to his left hand and, right hand behind his back, began hop-walking forward inches at a time.

“Ben died. And that was my fault. And I’ve learned to live with that. But Ben wasn’t perfect either; he was pretty amazing but he wasn’t perfect. And I remember when he died, everybody was all like, ‘Oh no what will little Peter do without his father-figure oh gosh!’ And I thought ‘I’ve got to be fine, I had a father-figure, which is more than a lot of kids, and he was pretty cool, and he’s gone now and I’ll just do without. Just like half the kids in my grade do. That’s no big deal’.

“And then I met you.”

Effortlessly he stretched his feet in front of him, placing his toe on the ground in front of his hand, landing it half-on, half-off the edge of the wall. He righted himself and then stood, looking down at Tony. He paused for a moment.

“I would have sworn I didn’t need any more fathering when I was fifteen, Tony. If anyone had asked ‘Is Tony your father-figure?’ I would have said ‘No! Seriously!?’ I mean I made my first suit by myself. I made the webbing and the shooters and all of it all by myself and I became a crime-fighter, all by myself. I didn’t need anybody, and I was pretty proud of that. And I didn’t tell a soul, and I was pretty fucking proud of that too. I really thought I was doing fine without any father-figure around.

“Then you showed up.

“…And I had no right to draft you as a father-figure, Tony, and I absolutely 100% did. You never volunteered for the job; you would have turned me down if I had asked. So that one’s on me.

“I never should have asked you to be my father-figure AND my lover. Because a father-figure is perfect… and a lover… a lover is a person. A real-life person who farts and belches and leaves the toliet seat up and says stupid things without meaning to and generally acts like a shit sometimes. An imperfect person, just like me. And that’s okay. That’s how it’s supposed to be.

“So, you’re fired.”

He leapt from the wall — which is to say he aimed his head downward and fell. He caught himself on his hands, then flipped back onto his feet. Turning around he looked Tony in the eye and spoke.

“You’re fired as my father-figure. And also, thanks, but I’m firing you as my mentor, too. And no offence? But looking to you as my moral compass? Probably a terrible idea in the first place.”

Tony’s eyes crinkled with a held-in smile. Truer words had never been spoken. Moral compass? Him? Yeah. Not the greatest of ideas.

Peter looked down at his hands, now covered in wooden splinters, and brushed them off. “It’s because… it’s because I need you Tony. I need you now more than I ever have. But I need you as an equal.”

When Peter stood straight after brushing his hands clean, Tony noticed it. Something he’d been almost noticing but the image he had in his mind of Peter didn’t let him notice. Peter stood straight… and was as tall as he was. Exactly.

“That’s what I brought you out here to say.” he said as he put his arms around Tony’s neck, leaning in to whisper.

“I had to tell you about ‘The Cold’, and I had to bring you here to show you that it wasn’t all in my head. It’s about my body changing but… it’s about you too. You’re totally right, the world isn’t what I thought it would be and, sure, that’s just life. I’m trying to tell you that it’s also about… I was colossally angry at you, I was ready to break up with you. For not being perfect. And that’s my fault, not yours.

“And I’m scared, Tony, because I don’t know who I’m going to be when this is all over. I don’t know if I’m still going to be someone you’ll want to be with… I hope I will be… all I know is, whatever happens…” His voice broke again. “I’m going to need you on my side.”

Tony settled his hands lightly on Peter’s waist. They looked at each other eye-to-eye.

“Where else would I be, Peter? That’s where we belong. On each other’s side. You have my love. And that’s something that you will have…” The terms of mortality change when you’ve been dead a few times. “…Eternally. I love you. There’s nothing that will ever change that. I will be there, wherever you need me to be.”

Peter’s shoulder’s sank in relief. He closed his eyes, sighed, and stepped forward to lean his forehead down onto Tony’s shoulder.

The kid he’d taken to Berlin all those years ago wasn’t just grown up, he was gone. He never wanted to be a father-figure to Peter. This… this is what he wanted.

They turned to walk toward the main building, in the far distance, across the field. Tony put his hands in his pockets. Peter reached over and took Tony’s wrist, drawing his hand out of its pocket and putting it into his own. They walked hand in hand in silence for a while. It was Tony who broke it.

“I knew what I wanted when I left Berlin. I needed another person in the fight. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I’d fought side by side with these guys in New York and after. But I couldn’t just let them go. There were consequences to be faced. I needed them held, not hurt. Which you could do. I needed something, you had it, and I had the negotiating tactics of a forty-six year old businessman versus a fifteen year old high school kid. You were coming with me to Berlin.

“But that changed within minutes of meeting you, Pete. It’s not just since we got together, but from the first moment I met you — everything was so fast, you gave me whiplash.

“God, I was so conflicted. Here you were, this brilliant superhero. Something needed doing and you could do it. There was the mission.” He remembered his own words to Pepper a very long time ago. “That’s what got you going. Not building the retro-tech and certainly not the drudgery of high school. It was doing the very unique things that only you can do.” Their hands together, Tony let them swing, joined, between them as they walked.

“You were doing them on your own,” Tony said in wonder. “You were adult in so many ways. Not the least of which, I had to keep reminding myself, was the way the spider changed your body. You were fifteen and you looked like you were maybe nineteen or twenty. While I have done many morally dubious things, and downright immoral things, in my life, that has never been one of them,” he said firmly. “But you were doing things that no kid your age could possibly do. Looking like no kid your age could possibly look. I couldn’t reconcile the feelings I had for you with the absolute certain knowledge that I would never touch a kid of fifteen. There aren’t neat categories for what was going on with me. None of which was your problem.

“You were FIFTEEN. And god… you stood up to me, right there in your bedroom. There are guys in their forties who don’t have the balls you had when you webbed me to your doorknob.

“You were FIFTEEN. And I had… very, very inappropriate feelings about you. Not sexual, not then, but I felt closer to you than most of the other Avengers.

“You were FIFTEEN. And at fifteen, the only relationship a man of forty-six can have with a kid that age, is a fatherly one. So, despite not feeling anything fatherly towards you, I moved into that space. Only… what you were saying about imperfect fathers? Yeah. Kinda never had any model to role that on.”

Peter nodded as Tony spoke. Nodded, and grinned a little. The look on Tony’s face when Peter had webbed him to the doorknob, well, it was a memory he would treasure forever.

“I’m about as fucked up as a father-figure as you could’ve possibly turned to. I gave you exactly everything you ever dreamed of and then, over something that I should’ve talked about to you as my teammate, I acted like Howard. I yanked what you needed away instead. And I almost got you killed.”

Tony walked silently for a while. He watched his feet moving on the grass. Still holding Peter’s hand — perhaps a little tighter.

“So, me as a father? Worse than Howard. At least he never left me so stripped of everything that I nearly died, thinking I’d been abandoned. God, Pete. I will never be able to tell you how fucked up that was. If there was anything in my life I could go back and change, I’d go back and change that.

“But then, in true Howard Stark fashion, when I fucked up… instead of dealing with the fuck up, I go and plan your whole life out for you. I throw you a one point four BILLION dollar bribe that you weren’t ready for and never asked for, in hopes of gaining your forgiveness. Then on top of that, I dangled something you’d dreamt of, but also weren’t ready for. I planned your whole damn life out. I was about to do the equivalent of shipping you off to MIT at fifteen. Throwing you into the mess that was Avengers post-Berlin, post-Siberia… at FIFTEEN. God!” Tony said angrily. He twisted his head sharply away, his mouth drawn tight in disgust with himself. He took a deep breath. None of that mattered. It was over. They’d moved on.

“You were stronger than me in so many ways. You saved yourself when I took your first dream away. You gave yourself what I failed to give you. Then, instead of just letting me drag you into a future you weren’t ready for… you told ME no. Flat out told Tony Stark ‘no thanks I don’t need the future you’ve designed for me, I’ll make my own’.”

“Oh, shit. I did do that, didn’t I?”

“God, Pete,” Tony said. He looked at Peter as if he was the most amazing, wonderful thing in the universe. Because he was. “You absolutely blew me away. Which caused so many more conflicted feelings.” Tony paused, and they kept walking.

“Because…” He stopped their walk in the middle of the neatly-kept lawn. He looked down at their twined hands and lightly rubbed his thumb against the back of Peter’s. “That’s when I started to fall in love with you.”

Peter started a little at the revelation, but he didn’t speak. He walked into Tony’s body and touched his head to the man’s shoulder, but he didn’t speak. They kept walking.

“Again, not pervy… I just… Peter, you took hold of me in ways… I admired the hell out of you.” He stopped again to make his point. To make sure Peter understood his point. “Do you know how many people I admire? ONE.”

Tony swung their hands once as they headed back. The main building was in sight. “So what does that feel like? When it’s a fifteen year old kid?” He gave a slight shake of his head, feeling again that incredible struggle that went on inside him after he dropped Peter back off at May’s.

“We came back from Berlin — and Siberia — and you stood up to me. But you did it honestly. No deceptions, no dithering, no evading. You just said ‘no’. Not lying to ‘spare my feelings’. When you walked out of here, you didn’t just have my admiration, you had my trust. There’s a couple more people I trust than I admire. Three. Including you. That’s it.

“And, as I’ve been saying… you were fifteen fuckin’ years old. Then after? I can’t even touch what the things that happened after that did to me when I thought about you. What happened on Titan… I… I can’t.”

He couldn’t. Not Titan. Even though years had passed. Feeling Peter turn to dust in his arms. Watching the boy hold on with every bit of his spider-strength so he could reach up to comfort him as he was being torn apart, what felt like over and over again, as Tony held him. And he couldn’t even say how good the kid was. How much he admired him. How much… he loved him. To hear Peter apologize for leaving him… to say those two meaningless words and mean them… He couldn’t. He went back to a time when he could.

“I loved you when you walked out those doors.” He nodded towards the building they were headed towards. “You were fifteen and the only way that someone my age was supposed to love someone yours was as a father,” Tony reiterated with a wry laugh. “I am SO not father material.” Tony stopped their progress. He turned and faced Peter directly. “You can’t fire me, I quit,” he said, smiling widely at him.

Peter sighed in content, overwhelmed with relief. He didn’t realize until this moment how afraid he had really been. Up until they had landed at the compound he told himself his biggest secret, his biggest worry, had been The Cold. Now he leaned forward and touched their foreheads together, speechless. He wasn’t sure he could speak.

Finally, they parted and began to walk again. “I don’t want to tell you what to do. I don’t want you to need my permission to live your life. I never wanted that from the moment you left here. I wanted what I’ve always been looking for — someone to fight alongside me. Someone I could trust. Someone I could look to and see… myself, sure… we’re a lot alike… but Pete, you are…” Tony shook his head. “I don’t want you to be like me. I want to be like you.”

Peter pulled Tony’s hand up to his mouth and kissed the back of it.

There was a little stretch of silence while Tony tried to put his thoughts into words that made sense.

“I want us to be like us. Because that’s the only way I can be now. An equal part of an ‘us’. When we need anything… I want to look to you and I want you to look to me. What we need at the moment might not always be there. We’re imperfect. But I want to be your ground. I want you to be the home built upon that ground. I’m too… Tony looked away, off into the distance for a long time before speaking again.

“There’s too much damage for me to ever be able to give pieces of myself to other people — everything that’s left in me… I can give it to you because I love you.”

Peter stopped them from walking and pulled Tony closer. He lay his forehead on Tony’s shoulder again, locking his hands around the back of Tony’s head.

“I love you, Tony.”

Those ‘three little words’ that he hardly ever said before were now so lacking, even though he said them often after he and Peter got together. Since seeing Peter come back on the battlefield, since seeing Peter fade from his vision as he died, since seeing Peter holding on to him, refusing to let him go — everything since Tony had come back to life boiled down to those three little words: I love you.

Tony rested his head against Peter’s that was on his shoulder. “There’s nothing of me that isn’t yours.”

[ofmcxie]

&&. ( ada rhodes ) was just spotted in amsterdam. rumor has it ( she ) is a ( 768 / appears [25] ) year old ( vampire ) who resembles ( anya chalotra ). ( she ) has been said to be ( dauntless & protective ) but also quite ( possessive & volatile ).with all the chaos surrounding the magical underworld, ( she ) has chosen to align with ( the vampires ). ( she ) is currently serving as ( an assassin ). hopefully the city doesn’t devour them whole. // fulfilling celine dahl’s rival

(( Hey guys!! I’m Jade and will be playing the lesbian vampire disaster that is Ada here. I’m always awful at these intro things, but i’m really looking forward to rping with you all :D Feel free to hmu for plots anytime because I live for them lol. Also, i’m going bullet point in the hopes I don’t write an entire essay and it gets too long to read, but we’ll see how well that goes...xD ))   

Backstory: 

Ada didn’t had the easiest start in life. Born to simple farm folk who never really wanted her, in a time of knights and holy wars when a woman’s sole purpose was considered marriage and children.  

She had never been that kind of girl. One of her earliest memories being a time she had tried to go out training with the boys only to be dragged back to their homestead to help her mother cook.

Her father drank a lot, and was an incredibly abusive individual. It certainly wasn’t helped by the fact he was a self-riotously religious man, and Ada had been born with a defect. Her irises had taken on a purple hue from the day she had opened them; not enough to be obvious unless you truly looked, but he had deemed it a mark of the devil. 

Ada hadn’t seen it that way. Instead, growing to relish in her uniqueness. Like a physical manifestation of her defiance burned into her very soul, it meant she wasn’t born to be weak. 

It caused a great many fights with both her parents who weren’t exactly good people at the best of times, going to bed beaten and hungry more often than not.

The years that followed were no kinder, Ada haven all but given up until one night, were a chance encounter would change her life forever. 

She’d been following the well-trodden path home when she’d been ambushed.    

Having nothing of value to give the bandits, they’d settled for some other form of payment. 

She’d tried to fight them tooth and claw when she realised what was happening, unarmed so fighting dirty, their blood both under her nails on her lips by the time they’d got her to the ground. But they had her now, and they were angry...She’d grown up used to getting in fightings, it was probably the reason she’d lasted as long as she had, but there were just too many of them.      

Ada had been incredibly lucky that day. The men not having time to do much of anything before they were being flung off her with such a speed and force that it blurred together. She couldn’t even see what was causing it, but was pretty certain she heard bones crack as they hit trees. 

She’d jumped to her feet uncertain whether to expect the same fate, but the whole situation had her reeling, and she’d fallen to her knees again before being able to do anything about it.      

An eery quite followed suite, and by the time she’d caught her breath long enough to look up again -- she would have never been prepared for the sight that met her. 

It was a woman; beautiful, covered in blood dripping from her mouth and...glorious. Where most would have been terrified Ada only found herself awestruck. 

She’d briefly contemplated if this individual’s fangs were a defect as her eyes had been, and the words were out of her mouth before she realised what she was saying.      

The comment may have been idiotic, but it seemed to snap the woman out of whatever trance she had been in. A low chuckle leaving her lips instead going for Ada’s neck. 

They’d begun to talk, and she’d found this woman was a skilled assassin of all things, apparently it’s easy to do when no one ever sees you. Women certainly weren’t capable of such a thing; it made her work easy. 

By the end of the night they’d ended up in a contract of sorts. This woman would teach her some tricks of the trade in exchange for her blood whenever asked for.  

Ada was hardly innocent, and if meant gaining even a modicum of power over her own life then she would grab it with both hands. 

They met in that very same spot often after that. Three years of being taught certain tricks; where to nick so you could leave the scene before anyone would notice, what substances made for the least traceable poisons.

She’d also helped her get over how she originally reacted to pain, teaching her how to lean into it instead. It was good thing to have in one’s repertoire if she ever got caught and interrogated -- But she unwittingly developed a slight thing for it in the process though she’d be damed if she’d ever admit that, and while she’s 100% a sadist at heart, she does still have a small weakness for it on certain occasions. 

The addiction of a vampire bite was no small thing either, and Ada began to believe she might be in over head with this woman; until the night raiders ransacked her village.  

She’d been left for dead, convinced it was the end...and yet woke up with a new lease of life. 

The woman had turned her, their relationship no longer being a one way street it seemed.    

Ada stayed with her for a few centuries before they eventually branched off on their own, though they’re still incredibly close to this day. 

Over the years that followed, she quickly gained notoriety for her ability to complete with freelance kill contacts so efficiently, and eventually flagged on the vampire court’s radar --- In the end being taken into their employ of her own volition, more than happy to serve the species that had granted her freedom. 

It was during one of these contracts she met an insufferable fallen angel who happened to be after the same person. It turned into a weird game of cat and mouse trying to thwart each other’s attempts, and Ada’s not even certain who actually got the kill in the end, but they still argue about it to this day.  

She’s been working for the king and his inner court ever since, and is incredibly loyal to them. She takes pride in being good at her job, and has no qualms killing for them without question -- Her only hard line is children, but that particular request has never come up anyway...     

Personality: 

Ada keeps her true nature very lowkey and acts differently around most people aside from a select few. She’s very much the ‘look like an innocent flower but be the serpent under it’ type character, and incredibly manipulative when she wants to be. This is especially prominent in the fact that Ada’s gay af, but she has no qualms flirting with men when they’re prey or she needs something from them. 

She really does love the colour of her eyes and is glad they didn’t change when she was turned, but on a job she’ll usually experiment with different coloured contacts due to the uniqueness of such features. 

Additionally, Ada’s completely down with this notion of vampires coming out of hiding, believing them to be a superior species that shouldn’t have to bow down to mutts or mortals just because their precious guardian angels deem it so — She plans on doing whatever she can to help further that cause.            

Connections: 

I’m literally open to anything, but here are just a few thoughts: 

Enemies with benefits: Filled by Celine Dahl. These two HATE each other; like passion of a thousand suns hate. I mean, Ada isn’t always the calmest person at the best of times, but Celine can somehow PISS HER THE FUCK OFF MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. With that being said, there’s also this weird pull between them. It’s like all that anger and hatred and loathing spills over into everything they do -- but Ada kind of lives for it. They just try to get under each other’s skin in every way possible. They’ve even slipped up a few times and had some pretty intense hate sex because FUCK I HATE YOU SO GOD DAMN MUCH AND I REALLY WANT TO HURT YOU BUT YOU’RE ALSO REALLY HOT AND NOW MY HAND’S AROUND YOUR NECK AND YOUR STUPID FACE IS INCHES FROM MINE AND...screw it, i’m totally topping though don’t even try!!

Fuck buddies/booty calls 1/4: Rosalia Fuentes, TBA. Ada has nothing against sex workers and sees it as a reputable job like anything else, but like, girl is egotistic af and frankly sees the thought of paying for sex offensive of her skill set. These would basically just be her go-to people whenever she’s back in Amsterdam, and wants someone who’s just completely dtf from the moment they meet up rather than pursuing someone new.

Vampires with the same maker who she weirdly considers family despite hating the term: TBA. I just...love the idea of this? Like Umbrella Academy-esk sort of misfit family that would actually kill for each other.   

People who’s family members/loved ones she’s killed, not that they’d know it was actually her...Or if they do there’s no way to prove it: TBA. Just give me allll the angst!    

I would love you 5eva if you actually brought her Maker here. 

Her favourite blood doll: TBA. Same as the fuck buddies connection, but already pretty addicted to being bitten. Ada doesn’t mind paying for this sort of thing as much, though this would be someone who doesn’t make her pay for it even if they work as one, or maybe that’s not even what they do for a living? Basically an individual Ada would consider making personally her’s if she was around more consistently and didn’t run the risk of having them in constant withdrawal mode.   

Anything else you can think of, come at me!!

[imaginativecrime]

7 reasons The Witcher series is a mess (or damn I need to vent)

Unpopular opinion time! For the record, I’ve read the books, played the games, hell, I’ve binged the Polish movie and series (because my love for Michal Zebrowski and Zbigniew Zamachowski is undying, sue me), and I was super hyped. Then I spent the entire series yelling at the TV, so I made a handy numbered list of the reasons why I personally consider it mediocre at best.

Because I’m fucking disappointed and I’ll never not be bitter about it. Fact.

Be warned, there are all sorts of spoilers below.

Let’s look at some of the issues that affected the show as a whole:

1) Adaptation is hard work - but you have to do it right

Adapting a story from one medium to another is difficult, you inevitably have to change things to make it suitable to the new form of expression and also, everybody wants their adaptation to be unique, to emphasize points they think are important, to reflect on the current times, you name it. But changes in an adaptation should make sense and lend themselves to the storytelling.

Many changes in the series were arbitrary, nonsensical and contributed absolutely nothing. One such example is the Battle of Sodden Hill, a terribly executed “siege” with not enough extras to fill a classroom instead of a battle of 100 000 people. Writing out Redania, Aedirn and the Brotherhood of Sorcerers from the conflict doesn’t seem to have a point to it, while the delayed arrival of the armies of Temeria and Kaedwen is both unexplained, unlikely and underwhelming, not to mention that it completely undermines the Nilfgaardian threat as a whole. This, of course, is just the tip of the iceberg of all the things that are wrong with Sodden Hill in the series. 

Or take Foltest and his affair with Adda. It is perfectly clear in the books that after seven years of wizards, witchers and all manner of frauds coming and going while Foltest is obsessed with breaking the curse instead of killing his daughter, even the very last blind and deaf peasant knows about his shenanigans. It’s only logical, too. The story is relayed to Geralt in no uncertain terms at the very beginning. Now in the show the whole episode is too short to set up a murder mystery that requires Geralt’s incredible detective skills (uhuh) to unravel. What is worse is that you cannot make a big reveal of something that your audience actually has previous knowledge about. So why even bother to have Foltest deny it and have Geralt beat it out of Ostrit? 

Which brings us to point two:

2) We all know which way to Temeria, don’t we?

Even if you have popular source material, you cannot expect everyone to know it. An adaptation has to consider people who are just getting their first introduction to the sandbox. When your lore is as rich as that of the Witcher, you need time and careful effort to set up your world. The show made a total shit job of this one. As in the above example, sometimes the show ignores that we, as an audience, know things. 

Another example is Vilgefortz. We know him, his plans, abilities and allegiances, we have very specific expectations of his character. Besides completely failing these expectations (and doing a very unconvincing early reveal of his true colors), the show goes as far as taking Vilgefortz’s iconic sentence (You mistake stars reflected in a pond for the night sky.) and putting it in Fringilla’s mouth. Like did they actually think we wouldn’t notice? Or not be pissed?

At other times the show expects us to fill in its glaring blanks exactly by knowing our lore and characters. One obvious, overarching example of this is the issue of the separate timelines, that sometimes left even fans a little confused. Also, fun fact: one of my friends (who has no idea about anything in the Witcher’s world) for instance needed some time to realize Pavetta wasn’t, in fact, a grown-up Ciri, and he remains to this day very confused about Blaviken.

Basically, we are on a swing here, which is actually made even worse by another thing: bad pacing.

3) Hold your Roach for a moment

The first season wants to cram too much into its limited time and it has a severe negative impact on worldbuilding and character development. By bringing in all three timelines from the beginning, the show has to juggle time allotted to each. 

To be frank, Ciri’s timeline at this point consists of a lot of running and screaming, which in itself hardly merits all the time we spend with her. It could have been utilized in part to provide us with a view of the war from ‘below’, to show that beyond the high politics and heroic battles there are burned villages, dead peasants, people who lost everything, cripples, deserters, ruined fields, and so on. Instead, we get one refugee camp of neat tents, actual beds, food and complaints about Calanthe (though not of dead husbands, lost homes or winter). Though I guess it should come as no surprise that the shock value of paint being made from a woman’s reproductory organs (that never happened in the books) is more important than actual large scale human suffering.

Now giving Yennefer an extended back story is great. But by that level of extension once again time is being consumed that is taking other opportunities away. Opportunities like giving Geralt himself a bit more background, clarifying points for fresh faces in the audience, giving characters more time for meaningful interaction. Because there is not enough time to let the story breathe and progress naturally, episodes are often rushed, choppy, and shallow. 

4) Reverse worldbuilding, aka welcome to nowhere 

Another serious issue with worldbuilding is what I suspect to be a deliberate departure from the game visuals and aesthetic. One of the things I adore most about the games is that it built heavily on Eastern European history and folk tradition. Nothing compares to the feeling when you ride into a village and you feel right at home because things are inherently familiar, or you go out into the woods and hear the exact bird song you are used to.

Netflix is very careful not to even offer a whiff of this particular identity to its show, but it doesn’t seem to have a clear artistic vision beyond that. Thus while landscapes are nice enough, other settings such as cities, taverns, ballrooms and the like are horribly bland in that “this is how we imagine the middle ages in Hollywood” way and look exactly what they are: sets. While one is not likely to quickly forget the red rooftops of Novigrad or the wild beauty of the Kaer Morhen pass from the games, there is nothing memorable about the locations presented in the series. (Even more bewildering is the depiction of the elite boarding school of Aretuza as a creepy dungeon with elf skulls everywhere. I cannot even begin to address this one unless it is all in caps.) 

Point being that the show lacks an actual visual identity that would distinguish it from any other dime a dozen medieval fantasy.

5) My kingdom for a decent wardrobe

Sadly enough, the bland and flavorless visuals have a terrible effect on something else: clothes and armor. While some costumes are well done, there are way too many examples of the opposite. One very obviously is Nilfgaardian armor, which looks like fossilized trash bags with sad dick helmets. The fact that armor in the show is treated as the equivalent of cardboard is doing no one any favors. Please do your homework next time. Please?

Another inexplicable departure from the books and games is the appearance of the nobility, and most jarringly, sorceresses. That dress Yennefer picks out the first time? It’s literally the drabbest, ugliest thing I’ve ever seen, and the others are not much better. When it comes to period-accurate choices, the range is just so wide: we are talking cambric, velvet, silk, cloth of gold and silver. We are talking luxurious furs, embroidery, colorful feathers, bright dyes, coats of arms and jewelry. Brooches, necklaces, bracelets, rings, hat badges, belt buckles, hairpins, you name it. People wore their wealth. Making them look like sad orphans will not make them look any more medieval.

Peasant clothes also had their decorations, though to a lesser degree than nobles, obviously. But I guess it’s too much to hope that those would get any attention when queens are dressed like they lost a bet.

6) I see your people and I raise you mine

Including people of color in the casting choices caused a lot of heated debate amongst the fans, but at least it means that the show cares about minority representation, right? Right?

The world of the Witcher has its own minorities, and what we have seen of them so far is so incredibly pathetic that I haven’t the words. For one thing, they look so terrible that elves in the Polish series actually look better, and that was so not a high bar to exceed. To make matters worse, they again seem to lack any sort of distinguishing visual identity (except for the Dryads. I’m also willing to make an exception for Chireadan, as he actually looks right and he’s a settled elf.)

Sadly, unlike the games, the series also fails to establish even the beginnings of a compelling narrative for its minorities, which definitely needs to be in place by the time Thanedd happens at the very latest. What is more, we seem to be given something called the Great Cleansing, which is plenty obscure but comes across as a Night of Broken Glass sort of thing (though that could be just me). While still salvageable at this point, this shift in narrative is cause for some concern, and so far doesn’t make much sense.

7) Your villains are not my villains

Unlike the books and games, the Witcher series sadly doesn’t seem to excel at presenting opposing sides without the need to vilify one (which again, makes me worried about what they are going to do to the Scoia’tael later). 

Nilfgaard is now an Empire of Evil (TM) that lives for killing and religious fanaticism, Fringilla is a psychopath, and Cahir... Well, Cahir is a thousand shades of wrong all on his own. Stregobor and Istredd are now assholes of a whole different caliber, and even poor Eyck of Denesle gets to enjoy his five minutes of fame as a madman frothing at the mouth instead of a paragon of knightly virtue.

This is going so well.

[knifey-shivdarks]

i’m having them biracial blues and this is 100% a rant about my life written in some weird ass...i dont know man, i got up in my feelings and it’s hardly coherent but

gif credit, cuz i couldn't get it in the actual gif adder thing

i dont think ill ever forget schoolyard taunts about my thick, black body hair. or that my eyes were demonic because if the light didn’t shine just right, they could almost be black. or that my eyebrows were too big and oh they can see a little bit of hair connecting between them. i never forgot when the girls who were supposed to be my friends started calling me broccoli nose because it’s wider than theirs, you see. or when the boy i had a crush on and a boy who’d always been my friend decided that instead of friend, i should be their yard workers or maids or harvesting their food but its funny ha ha cuz that’s what mexicans do! i wont forget that my hair was boring and why is there so much of it? why is it frizzy? “because i dont have that problem!” said the girl with strawberry hair. and the color! black, but just shy of the inkiness that is beautiful.

i won’t forget that my skin was brown or that the little girl i ran into at toys-r-us, excited and chatty because she’s a friend i thought, walked away with her mother berating “you didn’t tell me she was mexican!” as i stand next to my red-haired, light skinned cousin. i wont forget that no one could say my name proper and it was never worth the effort to try and it didn’t matter if they’d known me for years because it was too foreign on their tongue and it didn’t matter. but heaven forbid i didnt properly pronounce theirs because “its not that hard!!!!” it’s only hard when its attached to someone like me, right? even when it comes from europeans just the same, forced onto my people like the blood of theirs in my veins as a result of their violence.

i’ll never forget thinking my abuser of seven years was so beautiful, right to the very end. i wont forget being eight years old and fighting against fear every time i saw her but going all the same because she was all golden hair and ocean eyes and certainly that means shes good. even as she tells me to shave my hands, my stomach, get rid of the nasty hair that makes me look like an ape. even as she tells me my mouth is too big, my lips look like they’ve been stung. i suppose we are taught, then, from youth to see beauty in our aggressors. for how lucky we are, just to be in their presence. i felt that, in some obscure way. desperately and with all of my being i felt that and hoped and prayed and wished that i could be her.

that i could look like her. it was all i wanted, to look like her because maybe then the world would look at me and see something pretty. something worthy of love. beautiful, and good in all the ways i was told - even without words - that i couldnt be. something worthwhile.

i wanted to look like the mom who raised me. the one i wanted to be perfect for even when she never asked me to be, never even implied it. because to her, i already was. she always told me i was beautiful. braided my hair and kissed my cheek and told me all the things i got from my family that lived across the country, some still in mexico, and why it was such a beautiful thing. do you know what it’s like, that the person who sees you as a treasure is the one no one would ever connect you to? to go out with your mom and your two friends, and people are shocked to hear that youre her child and not the blue eyed blondes? even with her brown hair and hazel eyes and no features to share besides, it was more believable that they were her daughters rather than you.

their only similarity being the color of their skin and yet the message is clear even if you can’t articulate it: you couldn’t possibly be from her, someone who belongs to the group that sets the standard for beauty and worthiness.

that wasn’t me, brown skinned and dark haired and with every feature that runs strong in my papa’s family. my tia said it herself, when i was born. “oh julie, im so sorry. she has the family nose” because she knew, too. my beautiful tia who has no need for shame and she knew that my moms whiteness couldn’t protect me because their features showed full force in me, left no place for my mom’s family to show itself.

i wont forget that the world told me from day one that i was less than. i would always be less than. it’s awful funny, that i lost my love of the outdoors when i first heard that it darkened you. no more summer days spent in the pool, fingers pruning but refusing to get out. no more bike rides, gone in the morning and returned by dinner. no more outdoors karaoke or baton twirling in the driveway. the tree i once loved is abandoned and the branches i’d climbed till i couldn’t any longer grow weak and lonely with time, missing the child who’d settle in and fall asleep in its branches. the warmth of the sun was something i deprived myself of for years with only the wishes of lightening my skin, getting rid of just one of the many things that separated me from everything i thought i should be.

but i found that it didn’t matter how pale i became. because, you see, it’s not a lightness that indicates whiteness. its an “i havent seen sunlight in a year” kind, one that doesn’t fool many and never for long. and how could it? my name would betray my heritage even if my features didn’t.

at twenty-eight, i still havent recovered. i havent learned how to live under the sun again. i havent learned to rediscover that kid that would wait for the weekend and the adventures it’d bring, step outside my door and into the sunlight and stay there in the world, under the heat of the sun until it started retreat into the night.

i wont forget that all expectations of me were based around what i looked like, what they saw in my name. how surprising it was, that i might know things. how unexpected it was, that i understood anything. after all, how could i deign to perform better than some of the other girls, the ones that were expected to go places when it was quite clear where most people expected me to end up.

it didn’t take long, for anger to show itself because it was easier to show that than shame, sadness. it’s strange, that at twelve, a black girl calling me a “white bitch” was offensive for the first part rather than the last. white...white....the thing i wanted to be and yet i was angry when she called me that. angry even if i didnt understand why, at the time. but i do now. i understand the fury in my bones at that moment when she pushed me and i swung back, a kid noted for being quiet and well behaved because i couldnt believe that she saw that.

that because i was not darker then my struggle did not matter. that because i did not look like her, then my disadvantage didn’t exist. the one thing id yearned to be a part of felt like a fist to the gut to be sided with because...i wasn’t. it was the first time i realized that maybe there wasn’t a place for me. that i’d be doomed to be too white for all the people who could empathize with my struggles and too brown for all the people who’d been a source of them.

and it only got worse when people would thing, for appearance, that it was better. but its not a compliment to be fifteen and having a guy hit on you because he “likes them spicy” wink-wink, nudge-nudge. it’s not a compliment when someone wants you to be his spicy hot tamale. even when the things that were detriments about me aged into something desirable, it was twisted and tainted and never felt like anything close to acceptance.

and then....and then to get out of all of it, all those moments that tore me down and made me ashamed to be who i am and realize the beauty in my features, in my wide nose and big lips and dark hair all over my body. to learn to love these features that mark me as part of a people with a history so rich and roots so deep into the soil of this continent...to learn these things and fight against all those ideas and people who ever made me feel otherwise and then be told that it is not my place. that it isn’t true, what i said. that i am pale and so that means i am white and i don’t know racism because my mom is white.

it’s a unique thing, to be biracial, and i dont think people talk about that enough. one foot in one history, the other in another. both but not enough for either to accept you. and i know that truth, too. i remember family gatherings with my moms family. i remember feeling always like my brother and i were julie’s little mistakes. oh sure the words were not spoken but in a sea of white people who married white people and had white children...the contrast makes you aware.

aware that you are not a fit. aware that they will love you only if you never bring up your papa, never bring up the aggression against you simply for existing as a product of love and understanding between people from such different worlds. little whispers about your papa that you wont understand for years as your mom shakes her head no, no, he’s a good man because her love has never gone. changed, perhaps, from what it was. but steadfast and true. they criticize him for his drug problem but she tells of a man who always took responsibility for his failings, always admitted his wrongs, never harmed a hair on our heads.

a good man who is sick but a good man nonetheless.

both, but never fully one or the other. and they let you know that, too. even the ones you’d thought all your life were the few that accepted you fully. but then you argue, you fight to defend your people against the new husband of a cousin you loved so much. the anger...the anger feels like a heart about to explode because it isn’t all anger. its fear and sadness and hurt and the anger is what you grasp onto, inflate as you stand shaking to take a breath, get distance before a panic attack has set in. you do that a lot in life.

and you hate crying but you sit on the front porch doing it anyways. your mom knows better than to follow but your aunts dont. so they come and they talk and they try to ask whats upsetting because well we were talking politics, people don’t always agree.and you scream, voice breaking “he’s talking about my people!” because how could you have ever identified with whiteness? but you don’t find understanding or comfort. only your favorite aunt, the one you loved for so many years, the one you thought accepted you no matter what, says with just as much passion: “we’re your people!”

and you realize, in your mid-twenties after a lifetime of being mistaken, that the acceptance is only if you throw away a part of yourself. that only if you will forget your mexican half do you matter. that they would prefer to forget you’re not white because how can they possibly love you if you arent?

it’s a lonely thing, too. because your papa is sick and he did not do right by you in the all right ways. and you spend your childhood missing him, wanting to live with him because living with mom is too painful if that’s what it will be like. but it bitters, too. childish ignorance cant last forever and for years you are angry, furious, refusing to see his sickness as that and instead as a choice he made.

he chose to leave you. to stay with a woman who looks like him, to create a child who belongs. one who learns his native language and gets all that you dont. the good and the bad. it....hurts, that the first words your little brother says to you are in a language you cant understand because your father...he lived far away for so long and where else could you learn when your mom can’t speak it, either? he’s three and spanish will be his first language and age will bring anger that this is so when your attempts through your life just never seem to work.

you just cant seem to make the words right. they feel wrong on your tongue and youre sure it’d make anyone who knows the language laugh.

people often dont get why i am offended by being called white. because well, im not, for one. sure, my skin is pale but my features are not those of a white person. to reduce it to that is so offensive when my experience has been lived as a person of color. it’s rare that people assume i’m white. and yea, it makes me mad when they do.

because i haven’t benefited from whiteness. i have never been treated as it. ive noticed people treat me poorly by my name alone, before they’ve even seen me. my MOTHER has noticed this. she kept my fathers name and she’s told me before appointments made at new places, she is often regarded more rudely but when she shows up and they see her whiteness, it changes.

for me, though, the biggest indicator is that other mexicans seem to....know. its a blessing and a curse. its adorable when little mexican kids come up to me, start trying to say something in spanish. it makes me feel this...wanting. to be a part of that culture, to learn more that i havent been able to because im across the world from everyone who was meant to connect me to it. but it hurts, too, because its another realization of my defect.

that i am a part of them, but only partly. and not everyone is so kind. some will see my distance from my heritage as sign enough that im not a part of it at all.

this...really got away from me and honestly, i dont even feel like ive really scratched the surface. this wasn’t meant to be a “poor me” but to be honest.....just because people have it worse than i do, and i KNOW they do, doesn’t make my suffering less significant.

so much in my life i have been told my people of color that i cant say anything and i have no right to it and this and that and whatever because my skin is pale. some try to make me say im white passing if i must engage but you know what...fuck that

if i was white passing, this post wouldn’t exist.

[archiveacademics]

Histories and the first Spotlight

Earlier this week I looked at what the definition of fanfic is. It’s a topic of endless debate and one I will doubtless return to again and again over the course of this study. But for today I’d like to do a little look back at the history of fanfic and, more broadly, of fandom itself.

“First there was “Star Trek,” the original series, whose viewers—many of them women in stem fields—organized conventions and created self-published journals (a.k.a. fanzines) with fiction about its characters, a small but notorious slice of which included sexy doings between Kirk and Spock. Or: first there were fans of science-fiction novels and magazines who held conventions and traded self-published journals as early as the nineteen-thirties. Or: first there was Sherlock Holmes, whose devotees, hooked by serial publication, pushed for more stories, formed clubs, and wrote their own. Or: first came Virgil’s Aeneid. Or: first, the Janeites. Or: first there was you, and your friends, age ten, making up adventures in which Chewbacca met Addy Walker, and writing them down.”

So opens “The Promise and Potential of Fan Fiction” by Stephanie Burt, which, if you didn’t read it when I linked to it in the last post you really should. The history of fanfic, if we wanted to be really broad, could go all the way to the ancient Greeks writing plays based on The Iliad and The Odyssey which are based on oral stories of a real war that (probably) happened around 1180 BCE. 

But we’re not going to do that, because, as Jill Bearup explains in the first of her “History of Fanfic” vlogs, The Aeneid and Iphigenia at Aulis and Trojan Women were not technically fanfic, but derivative works. As I discussed before, fanfic is about intent*.

To find the true beginnings of fanfic, you need to only go as far back as the eighteenth century.

“...popular authors such as Daniel Defoe started protesting that his work was being "kidnapped" and bowdlerised by amateur writers who reduced the value of his creations with inferior impersonations,” writes Ewan Morrison in an article entitled “In the Beginning, there was fan fiction: from the four gospels to Fifty Shades.”

1913 saw the publication of Old Friends and New Fancies – an Imaginary Sequel to the Novels of Jane Austen by Sybil Brinton, the first piece of published Janeite fanfic. (Janeite, of course, being the name of Jane Austen fans at the time. Much like Swifties or Beliebers today.)

I myself own a book called Mr. Darcy, Vampyre, and though I’ve yet to read it (my shelf is over full, you might say) I’m sure it’s delightful.

From the Janeites of the eighteenth century we move forward to the Sherlock fans of the nineteenth. This genteel group of readers was so dedicated to Sherlock Holmes that they managed to raise him from the dead. Well, they annoyed Sir Arthur Conan Doyle so much he raised Sherlock from the dead. 

From there, the literary club of the Baker Street Irregulars was established in the 1930s and they are still alive and active to this day. Apparently, there’s a lot to discuss, as “Conan Doyle generally wrote the Holmes stories quickly and with a minimal amount of editing, and as a result the canon contains a huge number of mistakes and inconsistencies. It was from these that the practice of "Holmesian speculation" arose, which consists of pointing out discrepancies in the canon and devising (sometimes reasonable, sometimes extremely outlandish) explanations for them.” (Fanlore.org)

From Sherlock and the Irregulars we move to the modern era, and what you could potentially call the birth of modern fandom. That’s right folks, it’s time for some Star Trek.

“The shape of those [early 2000s] fandoms, in turn, was due to those that migrated out of meatspace onto the brand new baby internet, which of course owed their structure to the zine-based fandoms of the ‘70s and ‘80s. All of which can be traced back to – you guessed it – Star Trek.

Star Trek: The Original Series is often looked to as the origin of modern fandom, and many of the networks and communities those fans established continue to influence fan interactions to this day, as does the example they set in using fandom as a means of social awareness and political action.”

In “None of This is New: An Oral History of Fanfiction” Jordan West discusses why you shouldn’t be surprised when you draw the card “Harry Potter erotica” in Cards Against Humanity and gives a quick overview of the history of fanfic. However, West argues that writing such as Shakespeare and The Aeneid count as fanfic which, by this blog’s definition, they don’t.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that everyone has their own ideas of what fanfic is and where it really began. I’m sticking with the Janeites as my point of ignition. 

Now that’s settled (insofar as anything on the internet is every “settled”) let’s move on to this week’s Spotlight. Every week, I plan on putting a platform, a person, or a particular story in the spotlight to show off the practical side of these academic headaches I’m giving myself. (I’ve gone back and forth on the definition of fanfic at least fifteen times since I posted the first blog post, much less when I was writing the damn thing.)

This week’s Spotlight is on two of the earlier homes of fanfic: LiveJournal and Fanfiction.net. 

LiveJournal was created in 1999 by American programmer Brad Fitzpatrick as a mixed blog/social media site.  It was purchased in 2006 by Six Apart and then sold in 2007 to SUP Media, a Russian media company. (Wikipedia.com)

“LiveJournal encourages communal interaction and personal expression by offering a user-friendly interface and a deeply customizable journal. The service's individuality stems from the way highly dedicated users utilize our simple tools, along with the instinct for individual expression, to create new venues for online socializing.

Because of LiveJournal's unique combination of platform and social media, LiveJournal has a unique personality in different parts of the world. In fact every national community in every country is unique in its own way. Where a user in the United States might focus their attention on communities dedicated to topics from the popular to the esoteric, users in the U.K. may tend to rally around entertainment-related issues. In Russia LiveJournal makes up the vast majority of the blogosphere, hosting over 80 of the top 100 Russian blogs. In Singapore LiveJournal revolves around collaboratively purchasing overseas goods. And that's just for starters.” (LiveJournal.com)

Fanfiction.net was created in 1998 by Los Angeles programmer Xing Li. The largest archive of fanfic on the internet, fanfiction.net comes in second in popularity to Archive of our Own**. It has over 12 million users and hosts stories in over 40 languages. Unlike LiveJournal, fanfiction.net is not a social networking site, but a site specifically dedicated to fanfic. Users can choose from a number of categories for their work and they can rate their work as well. The site also hosts forums for fans and writers alike, and registered users can apply to be beta readers. (Wikipedia.com)

I have never had a LiveJournal (I’m honestly not even sure if I’m capitalizing that right), and if I did have a ff.net account I had to have been, like, 12 when it was created and 13 when it was last opened. Still, these are two of the earliest archives of massive amounts of fanfic from hundreds of different fandoms (just check out this list of book fandoms that have stories written about them of ff.net. And that’s just the book category!) 

A history of fanfic is always going to be a little bit messy around the edges, in part because the definition of fanfic is so personal and changeable. All I can hope is that you’ve learned something new today while reading this. If so, I’ll count that as a win.

*And as I haven’t discussed yet, it’s also about copyright and ideas of authorship. Again, this is a topic you’ll have to look forward to.

**AO3 will be the subject of a future spotlight, don’t you worry.

[sgtbluebacon]

The History of Moorish Americans (Abridged)

Similar to Sovereign Citizens, the Moorish American movement is based on a religious establishment:The Moorish Science Temple of America. It was created by Noble Drew Ali in Chicago, under the premise that all African-Americans are descended from the Moabites, who descended from Moab, the Son of Lot. Yes, the same one from the Old Testament. He specifically claims that they came from the Moroccan empire, and according to Ali, this made them Moorish by Nationality, and Muslim by faith. So let’s talk about that

First up is the Nationality: Ali claimed that Ancient Moabites “inhabited the northwestern and southwestern shores of Africa”, which would put them in the right location to be Moorish (Spain, Portugal, Morocco). However, actual biblical scholars put the kingdom of Moab on the eastern side of Africa, in Jordan/Canaan.

As far as the religious aspect, Moors, who again were in or near Morocco, were Muslim. However, Moabites, residing in Jordan/Canaan, were not. Instead of worshipping the Muslim God Allah, they worshipped a god called Chemosh.How did he get this wrong? There are some theories that attempt to explain this. 

One theory claims that because the word Moor has historically been incorrectly attributed to all Africans, and has been used interchangeably with the word Moabite in some Medieval texts, Ali simply got confused. 

A second theory claims that Ali confused Moabites with Morabites, due to the fact that the African American dialects of 1913 commonly dropped the r sound after a vowel. If we look at the location of Morabites, it seems to match. And, Morabites were primarily Muslim.

A third theory, which I like the best, is that the original Moabites migrated to Morocco, having been integrated into Phoenicia, which was originally located in Levant before it spread west. The Phoenicians did settle in the area that is now Morocco, and not only does that give us the right geographical location, they had the right religion! Among the many gods that were worshipped by Phoenicians was... Chemosh, the main guy worshipped by the Moabites! What still isn’t established is why Ali is so keen on the relevance of the Muslim faith. Neither the Moabites nor the Phoenicians, nor the Roman Empire or Berber tribes who historically controlled the land that is now Morocco were Muslim. But Morocco did become Muslim in the late 7th century and early 8 th century, when that area was conquered during the Muslim Conquest of the Maghreb.

We’ve got it all sorted out, right? Almost. We have the right location, and we’ve figured out the religion issue, but the timeline still has some holes. In Ali’s doctrine, he states “The Moabites from the land of Moab who received permission from the Pharaohs of Egypt to settle and inhabit North-West Africa; they were the founders and are the true possessors of the present Moroccan Empire.”

So that can either mean the Moabites or Phoenicians received permission from the Pharaohs of Egypt, on the eastern side of Africa to head out to Morocco, 2200 miles west, which is possible if unlikely, and that Ali is ignoring their religion in favor of his own, or he is actually referring to the Muslims that conquered that area 700 years after the last pharaoh died, which would explain the religion and the use of the term “present Moroccan Empire”, The problem is, that fails to mesh with the Egyptian permission slip narrative.

No matter how you look at it, the facts don’t quite match up, and there are a few other logistical issues with his doctrine. But ultimately, that isn’t terribly relevant to this video. What is important is that Ali uses this “history” to establish that African Americans, as Moorish Americans, are descended from the same people as Jesus Christ. Where have we seen this before? Oh yeah! Sovereign Citizens believed something similar, but with white people. Don’t think that I’m saying these Moorish-Americans were black supremacist, because they weren’t. At least, not in the beginning.

Ultimately, it appears the Moorish-American religion was a mostly harmless way for African Americans to be proud of an identity that wasn’t related to slavery in the United States, and I can’t fault him for that.

Here’s where it gets interesting. In 1929, the first schism occurred. Claude Green left the Moorish Science Temple after an argument over money, declaring himself Grand Sheik and forming his own temple. He was later found stabbed to death. Ali and other members of the temple were arrested on suspicion of organizing or carrying out the murder, but released without charges. Soon after, Ali was found dead, and rumors that his death was caused by abuse at the hands of police, as well as poisoning by his own followers, began circulating. Anti-police sentiments grew within the organization.

This led to a scramble for power. Edward Mealy, a member of the Temple, stated Ali had named him as his successor, and Ali’s former driver John Givens, asserted that he had received a vision that indicated he was the reincarnation of Ali. Ultimately, a member named Charles Kirkman was declared to be the successor, while Mealy and Givens formed their own factions.

But. It. Gets. Better. Later in the same year, Kirkman’s wife reported that he had been kidnapped by the same man who was a primary suspect in the murder of Claude Green. When police confronted the suspect, they were fired upon. Two officers died, and one member of the Moorish American Science Temple was killed. 60 members were eventually arrested in connection with this incident. Anti-police sentiments increased.

In 1930, Wallace Fard Muhammed, who also claimed to be the reincarnation of Ali, split from the Temple and formed the Nation of Islam, which he ran with the help of a man many of you will recognize: Malcolm X. This group became known for its black-supremacist and anti-Semitic rhetoric, after severing all ties with the Moorish Temple. 

As tensions between the police and the Temple rose, it wasn’t unreasonable for either side to dislike the other. Being African-American in Chicago around this time wasn’t all peaches and cream, and there was a justifiable distrust of the police by members of the Moorish Science Temple. Some believed their prophet had been killed by police. Others were upset that Moorish-Americans had been arrested in relation to various murders. The FBI was conducting surveillance on them for possible acts of treason. Yes, members of the Kirkman Faction were accused of spreading Japanese Progaganda during WWII. However, the investigation was eventually dropped, and other investigations over the next decade into other subversive activities never revealed enough for prosecution. For a while after that, not much of historical note happened regarding the Moorish Science Temple. 

In the 1960s, a man named Dwight York took the teachings of the Moorish Science Center of America and combined them with those of a few other organizations, including the Nation of Islam, to form the Ansaar Pure Sufi in New York, later known as the Nubian Islaamic Hebrews. The doctrine of his organization didn’t really mesh well with state laws, and In 1993, possibly to escape prosecution for various crimes, he moved to Georgia with some of his followers, declared himself a member of the Native-American Amasee Nation, and built the Tama-Re, an Egyptian-themed compound in Eatonton. Because if there’s anything we associate with Native Americans, its... Egypt. While there, his organization’s name was once again changed, this time to the United Nuwaubian Nation of Moors, and York emphasized that he was actually from another planet. He assured his followers that an alien mothership would hover over his compound’s main pyramid in 2003 to transport worthy moors to another planet.  

While his teachings on alien motherships may have been unique, York wasn’t the only Moorish-American to incorporate Native Americans into their identity. Enter Verdiacee Hampton Goston, also known as Verdiacee Turner , also known as Empress Verdiacee Tiari Washitaw Turner Goston El-Bey, a two time mayor of Richwood, Louisiana, who published a book in 1993 claiming that the Washitaw Nation of Native Americans was registered as an indigenous people by the United Nations, and could declare themselves immune from the laws and regulations of the United States. As a self-proclaimed Washitaw herself, she stated that Napoleon only sold the streets of New Orleans and a military barracks to the United States as part of the Louisiana Purchase, whereas the rest of Louisiana was actually stolen from the Washitaw tribe. I’ll be explaining that in another post.

Meanwhile, at Tama-re, the United Nuwaubian Nation of Moors were accusing white officials of racism, after construction on the compound appeared to violate local zoning laws. Threats were issued by the organization, and an eviscerated dog was left at the home of the county attorney. In 1999, a few Montana Freemen, yes! The same Montana Freemen that I discussed in my Sovereign Citizen video, visited Dwight York in Tama Re, and one even moved in to act as their “common-law judge” to help them out. From there, new ideas regarding sovereignty were established, such as the belief that the United States is actually Morocco due to the signing of the Moroccan-American Treaty of Friendship, and therefore United States laws don’t exist, because there is no United States. I’ll also be explaining that one in a different post as well.

The actual Moorish Temple appears to oppose the doctrine of both groups, and has tried to distance itself from York’s Moorish Americans, especially after York was convicted of child molestation in 2004 after his mothership failed to rescue him from pleading guilty to over 100 counts of child molestation and human trafficking, in what was the “largest child molestation prosecution ever directed at a single person”. According to Bill Osinski, who wrote a book about the Newaubian Nation of Moors and York’s trial, “When [York] was finally indicted, state prosecutors literally had to cut back the number of counts listed — from well beyond a thousand to slightly more than 200 — because they feared a jury simply wouldn’t believe the magnitude of York’s evil.… [It] is believed to be the nation’s largest child molestation prosecution ever directed at a single person, in terms of number of victims and number of alleged criminal acts.”

Epstein, eat your heart out. 

In his  trial, York tried to claim he was immune from prosecution because of his Native American heritage, and look who he brought up! 

“Your Honor, with all due respects to your government, your nation, and your court, we the indigenous people of this land have our own rights, accepted sovereign, our own governments. We are a sovereign people, Yamassee, Native American Creeks, Seminole, Washitaw Mound Builders. And all I'm asking is that the Court recognize that I am an indigenous person. Your court does not have jurisdiction over me. I should be transferred to the Moors Cherokee Council Court in which I will get a trial by juries of my peers. I cannot get a fair trial, Your Honor, if I'm being tried by the settlers or the confederates. I have to be tried by Native Americans as a Native American. That's my inalienable rights, and it's on record." - Drew York

There are a few other Moorish-American groups that began popping up around this point, such as the Free Moorish Nation, the United Mawshakh Nation of Nuurs, and the Al Moroccan Empire. The doctrine of each group is slightly different, so If you’re not sure if the person is a Moorish-American, look for these signs: 

They’ll almost always be of African descent [there are known exceptions for Washitaw members], they may be wearing a fez, and their name will often be followed by bey or el-bey.

And there you have it. That’s the abridged history of Moorish Americans. I will be presenting this in a video with quotes from the actual doctrine and graphics to help viewers understand certain aspects better. Look for Blue Bacon on youtube to find it in the future. 

[imaginexmeintheuniverse]

What do you think the X-boys Venus signs ( like in astrology) would be if you do that? Also, I love your blog and your writing!

A/N: awwwtysm kind anon Cafe Astrology as a reference!

Jubilee - Aries

I thought the description for this totally nailed Jubilee:up-front flirting, a little child-like, fun-loving, turned on by energy andactivity, and turned off by the relationship being too mature, stuffy, orvague. They hate vagueness and beating around the bush when they’re in arelationship with someone and need a lot of energy and stimulation to“keep it fresh”. “Their styleof expressing love can be maddeningly “me”-centered, but the right person forthem will find this approach charming” which I can totally see aspossibility and plausible misunderstanding with little Jubes. A particular linesold me on this headcanon:“ Arieslikes to take the lead in love (even if their Sun Sign is gentle Pisces) — letthem, at least most of the time"— and Jubilee is definitely a SunPisces!

Hank - Taurus

We all know Hank has is more Beast side when it comes to thebedroom and when Taurus in Venus, the person tends to be centered on tangiblecomforts and are said to be satisfying lovers. Dependable and loyal pins Hankprecisely, and he is definitely the type to love physical comfort in arelationship like touches and cuddling. This being said, Venus Tauruses requirea certain dependability and predictability and can be threatened by high-pacedsituations which sure as hell sounds like Hank to me. The only worry his s/omay have is if he gets too settled and it seems that the relationship is too"comfortable and settled”. Loyalty is a must in a relationship withHank and expressing that and how much he means to you will go a long way!

Warren - Gemini orAquarius

*A/N: I feel like he could be either!

“Venus in Geminipeople will try to win over the object of their affection with wittyconversation, displaying just how much they “know”, and demonstrating theirdiverse interests” which sure sounds like Warren because he’s are sucha fucking show-off. Always needing stimulating conversation, Venus Geminis areplayful and love to tease just like Warren is (he’s SUCH a fucking tease) andterrified of super committed relationships cus he doesn’t like being tied down.Appreciates lightheartedness and willing to talk for hours on end, althoughsome fo the deeper issues in the relationship might be less comfortable for himto address. He tends to be spontaneous and unpredictable which keeps things funand exciting, and on his end needs someone who will keep him on his toes whilealso being thoughtful.

On the Aquarius side, which is in a way very similar toGemini, Warren attracted to uniqueness and intellect in a relationship and isattractive with his open-minded, rebellious, and interesting qualities. Helikes being unconventional when it comes to matters of the heart and takesgreat pride on being unique. He might come off as detached, and at times needsspace. Venus in Aquarius people need someone who is also a good friend and whowill dream with them. He will thrive off of his partner telling them howinteresting he is and giving him freedom.

Jean - Cancer

She’s sensitive, caring, and gives so much love, comfort,and security when it comes to any relationship. “Venus in Cancer men and women show their love by caring for you. Theypay more attention to your feelings than your words, and observe you rather carefully”which is exactly what she would do. The girl has telekinesis, but even whenyour thoughts aren’t sorted out she’ll always pick up on signs and focus on howyou feel. A safe, solid relationship is the Venus in Cancer style, but there’snothing boring about building a solid foundation to a healthy relationship. Shehas a hard time forgetting if she’s been hurt, fears rejection, and can bemoody at times, so her partner has to be someone who is kind, patient, and willgive her reassurance to help build her confidence.

Alex - Leo

Love is THE most important thing to a Leo. Even if it maynot seem like it, Alex feels a lot and would have a hard time separating sexfrom love. He’s repressed his feelings too much throughout his life and may notbe the best about talking about feelings at first, but love and having someonewho will love him as much as he loves them is so important to him. Loves theflirting game, is really loyal, experience and a total show off, and thrivesoff romantic attention from their partner. He has one of the biggest hearts andwill literally talk about and show off his partner whenever he can. Venus inLeo will feel threatened when they’re in a relationship that’s gone stale andwill get very insecure when they feel their partner behaves with indifferencetowards them. Alex takes so much pride in his relationship and is veryexpressive with his love.

Kurt - Virgo

Our little blueberry is not big on flirting, but “their appeal lies in their dedication, theirwillingness to work on the relationship, and to make the relationship work inreal terms”. With Kurt it would be about all the little things andgestures that show how much attention they pay to every detail about you. Venusin Virgo will make their way into your heart slowly and quietly and next thingyou know, it’ll hit you all at once that you’ve already fallen for them. Kurtcan be shy, reserved, and insecure due to his lack of experience, so he needsreassurance, and in turn his partner will receive the most sensitive and caringlover. He’s very honest and will point out flaws and what he doesn’t know to beinsecurities but it’s all out of love!

Ororo - Libra

This one was hands down our lovely Storm. Turned off by badmanners and aggressiveness, she puts emphasis on fairness and being in arelationship with her really makes you into a team. A gentle lover who is 100%into the relationship and hates imbalance. She may sometimes come off asinsincere or superficial at times, but that’s only because she has a more“polished” in regards to love— don’t be fooled, she is kind, just,and will do whatever it takes to make the relationship work so long as she ismet with equal effort from her partner.

Erik - Scorpio

“Venus in Scorpiopeople attract others with their intensity and willingness to commit, [andthey] give you their complete attention” Erik is definitely intenseand is very sexually expressive. His actions, though may be a little toointense at times, are always done in love and his feelings run deep even thoughhe may not express them directly. He’s fearless and committed in those intimatemoments in spite of wondering how someone as amazing as you could love themonster he sometimes perceives himself as. He can be possessive, jealous,  and a little overbearing, and although youknow it’s because he loves you, it’s hard to communicate with him because,again, he’s not very direct when it come to feelings. However, when it comes toyou he knows how to cut right through the bullshit and see right throughwhatever mask you put up. The most passionate and pleasing lover, in otherwords, the sex is mind-blowing. He knows how to make you feel loved andappreciated (he basically worships you) and he’ll explore all of you, mind,body, and soul.

Peter - Sagittarius

Growth through a relationship seems to describe Peterromantically better than anything. “Theseare idealistic lovers who want you to appreciate their beliefs, visions, andideals” but more than anything they want to experience and grow withtheir partner. Although he tries his best, sometimes Peter doesn’t quite seemto fully grasp the balance between lighthearted and serious, acting like onewhen it is time for the other you can find comfort in knowing that he’s tryinghis best. Venus Sagittariuses don’t typically commit in their relationships aseasily as others and are turned off by the extremes of dullness or romanticoverkill. Much like with commitment, you can’t stay stuck on just one thingwith Peter, he needs space and time to come around. “When the going gets tough in their relationship, they have anoverwhelming need to run away” which is one of the major things heworks on once in a relationship and needs his partner to be his anchor attimes. He’s definitely not one to judge based off social class and instead isattracted by people who, like him, are trying to live life.

Scott - Capricorn

“Venus inCapricorn people will try to win your heart by displaying self-control,presence of mind, and responsible behaviour” which is pretty much whatScott does. He puts pressure on himself to always have it together meaning thathis partner needs to be someone who will appreciate his ambition andself-control, while also reassuring him that he’s doing a good job and needs togive himself a break. He’s not very expressive when it comes to love and cansometimes be too practical, despite wanting romantic intimacy real bad. He canoverwork himself due to an immense fear fo rejection and not being enough. He’ssteady, reliable, and will show you off constantly but in a more toned downway. He is the last person to run away from responsibility or relationshiptrouble and will always be true in his love.

Charles - Pisces

“They areunimpressed by your status, and love and accept you for all that you are inside” That being said, this man will love all of you unconditionally— all quirksand flaws included. With him, you’ll always have a soft-hearted and sensitivepartner who is completely weak for all those little tender moments. “They love the underdog and are attracted towayward folks, or those in need of a little help.” One of thedownfalls of that mindset is that sometimes it can be a little much when he’sconstantly trying to save everyone and it can be hard to have to share the oneyou love with the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this also means that he maynot always be fully honest with his partner out of fear of hurting them. Venusin Pisces people really like to feel out the relationship; seeing where it goesand not wanting to worry too much about the future which can become troublingwhen they have a hard time committing. He is, however, very understanding,forgiving, and willing to make sacrifices. He is giving and completely selflessin love.

Masterlist

[the-bounce-back]

4 WAYS TO HAVE A HAPPY AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP (AS TOLD BY A SINGLE CYNIC)

Oh hey there. I’m back at it again with the consistency, now that things are back to normal(ish). I feel like I’ve had enough of being sad and unproductive, so I’m ready to spend my free time actually writing again. You’re all welcome.

Now that I’ve actively made the decision to stop dwelling on stuff that I can’t change (after taking advice from my own posts - imagine that!), I’m pleased to say that post ideas are really just attacking me left right and centre: so I’ll be able to deliver my wisdom on a semi-regular basis at the very least. For example, next week I’m starting my self-confidence project, which will be a series of posts covering how to find confidence in different aspects of life based on my own self-confidence jOuRnEy. Cringe, I know, but definitely worth writing about and something that I feel a lot of people can take away something from.

Anyways - todays topic is going to be about relationships. Namely, how to set yourself up to have a happy, healthy, supportive, empowering, stress-free one that genuinely adds something valuable to your life (as opposed to headaches and nonsense that I feel like a lot of people are going through in their relationships right now).

I know what you’re thinking.

“But Liv! I swear all your relationships crashed and burned - how the hell does that make you qualified to talk about relationships that’ll last?”

First of all, step off my neck because I really don’t recall asking for your input.

Secondly, you do have a point - but not for the reason your smart ass thinks.

If you’ve followed my blog from the beginning, you might remember that I stated in my intro post that one of the main reasons I started this blog was for me to have an outlet for my thoughts and feelings during the healing process after a pretty bad breakup (read it here). I’ve been very open about how the breakup has affected me (and still does, to a certain degree), and spent a lot of time reflecting on the situation, what went wrong, where I went wrong and what I can take away from what happened to be able to bOuNcE bAcK from it.

All this time reflecting and critically analysing the situation leads me to believe that I genuinely have unique insight into how and why some relationships end up going to sh*t, and what not to do the next time my dumb ass decides to fall for somebody. I’ve also found comfort in realising that despite all the pain it caused me, it truly has taught me invaluable lessons about perceptions of self-worth, self-love and independence from validation from others.

Before I get to my gems of wisdom, I just want to get a few disclaimers out of the way. Firstly, I should say from the get-go that this post will be geared towards straight and bi women that have been involved with men, as that is all I can truly speak on. With that being said, I’ve tried to keep it as gender-neutral as possible, and I do believe that there are certain points that will be relevant to all genders and sexualities, so hopefully all that read this can find at least something they can see sense in.

Secondly, I would like to reiterate that all views and opinions here on The Bounce Back are 100% my own, based on my own research and own life experiences. If you’ve read my previous posts you probably already know that I’m really and truly just winging it in this life and writing about what I believe to be correct based on my own opinions. I am by no means a mental health professional or life-coach, so please apply sense before taking what I say literally. Because if you ruin your life by following advice that isn’t relevant to you…. I’m not involved. Sorry.

With that out of the way, please continue reading if you want advice on how to make your current or future relationship bang.

1. Understand that you do not need anybody.

Oh sweetheart. Did you really think I was going to do a post about how to tantalise your man/girl/wcw/mcm/fwb/love interest/potential/whatever you want to refer to them as into falling head over heels in luuuurve with you? You must be new here, or very, very delusional.

Regardless of if you’re in a relationship, situationship, happily single or have an icebox where your heart used to be (...so cold), I think it’s imperative to wrap your head around that while the thought of a significant other might be nice to some, it is absolutely not by any means a necessity for you to be happy and successful in this life. And if you haven’t figured out your own aspirations, goals and dreams, I’d even go as far as saying that relationships can be a source of severe distraction.

Don’t get me wrong here - despite how it may seem I really do love love, and I’m very romantic. It will take a lot more than a couple bad breakups for me to not believe in relationships. The point I’m trying to make is that without a strong sense of self, your own aspirations and being secure in your beliefs is a sure-fire way to risk getting into a relationship that ends up doing more harm to your mental health than good. The way I see it, the attitude to have towards relationships is being secure in the knowledge that you don’t need them, but that you want them in your life. The relationship should be a choice, and not a necessity or a psychological/emotional crutch.

Of course, it’s really easy for me to tell you to not get into a relationship until you have your mental and emotional sh*t together based on all this ~*experience*~ I now have - but trust me, I know this is so much easier said than done. Tantalising human beings really just pop up out of nowhere sometimes, and at the end of the day we can’t help who we’re attracted to (unfortunately). One thing leads to another, and boom - suddenly you’re 4 months deep into a situationship when you swore you were done with dAtInG. I hear you loud and clear.

The truth is, life really comes at us fast, and I’m not enough of a cynic to tell you to face front and disregard the opportunity to get to know someone that intrigues you. However - what I will tell you is that entering a situation when you’re still trying to find yourself (as cringe as it may sound) has the potential to be detrimental to your mental health. This, in the sense that you run the risk of placing a lot of your self-worth and self-identity in your relationship with this person, and end up having this desperate need for validation from someone other than yourself.

I can confidently say that I have been on both ends of the spectrum in this case, and I know that a lot of people in my age range can relate to this, too. Hear me out.

I think many of us have been in a situation where the person we like just seems so perfect and amazing in every thinkable way, that we end up - very unfairly - putting them on a pedestal and almost idolising them, for lack of a better word. I think this is especially common in teenage relationships, or first relationships in general. Becoming this addicted to somebody - regardless of how “good” or “bad” they are for you or how “good” or “bad” they treat you - will almost definitely end up hurting you if you haven’t established your sense of self-worth by yourself. The fear of them finally realising that they’re “better” than you and leaving, the fear of them meeting someone better than you and ending things (or worse, cheating), the way you start hating yourself because you don’t feel good enough for them. The list goes on. I feel like most relationships like these almost always end up in heartbreak, or at the very least are very dysfunctional, because why is the only thing you have going for yourself the fact that you are someone’s significant other (or less)?

I say this… but I get it. Being completely blindsided by someone isn’t abnormal - it gEtS LiKe ThAt sometimes. However, it is up to you to determine how far you are willing to let this infatuation consume you.

Then there’s the other end of the spectrum - the relationship where everything feels too good to be true. Those relationships that make you slowly but surely start visualising the life you could have with this person. They become the first person you tell good and bad news to. Assuming that they will always be there becomes second nature because they make you feel safe and secure, and whenever you’re faced with an important decision, your immediate thought is how this is going to affect them and your relationship.

If you’re into monogamy and “traditional” relationships, this would be the person you see yourself spending the rest of your life with and building a future with. In an ideal world, this person ends up moving past the significant other stage and takes on the role as your life partner - the person you settle down and have kids with, travel the world with, start a business with, grow old with… whatever floats your boat and constitutes your “happily ever after”, really.

But as we all know, this world is far from ideal. These seemingly perfect relationships that you’re convinced are going to last forever aren’t immune to f*ckeries either, unfortunately. There are infinite reasons as to why they end up falling apart that I’m not even going to get into - because it doesn’t even really matter. In my opinion, these kind of breakups are far more lethal than a simple case of breaking up over infidelity, incompatibility or outgrowing each other, simply because they’re the biggest mindf*ck.

One second you have your whole future planned out (or at the very least know that that person is going to be there), then suddenly that whole dream is gone. Aaaand cue the inevitable heartbreak.

I say inevitable, because coming out from a long term relationship and realising how much of your goals, aspirations and plans for the future were directly or indirectly intertwined with the assumption that you would last forever is genuinely soul crushing, and I’m not even being dramatic. I wouldn’t wish that sh*t on anyone. The feeling of going from having your life somewhat figured out to suddenly being alone and directionless is extremely hard to put into words: it’s just something I don’t think you can fully grasp until you’ve been through it, healed from it and learned from it. If you haven’t been through it, count yourself lucky and pray you’ll never have to.

So, to bring this back to the main point - there is no chance in hell that I will ever allow myself to be in a situation where my whole life, happiness and mental health is in any way dependent on someone else ever again, and I’d recommend you doing the same. Making sure that you have your own life, plans, goals, mental health, confidence and issues sorted out before entering a relationship puts you in a position of power and gives you something to fall back on, because you’ll know in the back of your head that regardless of how things work out - you’ll be alright.

2. Ensure you’re actually in love with yourself.

As you probably know by now, I’m a sucker for clichés, and especially this one:

You can’t love anyone else until you love yourself.

It genuinely sickens me when I think back to times when I didn’t understand this, because I now see how unhealthy the situation was. I’ve been in a position where I literally felt that I loved someone more than myself, because I put them on that previously discussed pedestal and made my entire life about them. At the time, I obviously didn’t realise how damaging this was to me because I never even clocked that all the mental health issues I was going through at the time were all linked to this very unstable and unhealthy basis for a relationship. This, in the sense that all my insecurities became amplified by the fear of losing him.

Whenever we argued about something minor, my immediate fear was that he’d think I’m tOo MuCh, and leave me for someone that’s less of a headache.

Every time his phone lit up, my immediate fear was that he was talking to some other b*tch.

Whenever we went out and saw some other girl he used to be involved with (which is pretty much inevitable when you’re in uni), my immediate fear was that he was thinking that he’d made a mistake by choosing me over hEr.

Let me stop there before I die of first hand embarrassment. Of course, now it’s painfully clear to me that I had no business being involved with someone when I was too insecure to function and my perception of self-worth was so obviously lacking. In my defence I was young and still thought that validation, affection and attention from men was necessary to survive in this life. Let’s all laugh together, please.

Bringing this back to the cliché at the beginning of this section, I can’t stress how disgustingly true this is. The way I see it, you really do have to love and appreciate every aspect of yourself - even the “bad” stuff - before even thinking about being in a relationship with someone else. If you’ve read my other posts, you’ll know that I’m a firm believer in being simultaneously kind and brutally honest with yourself about what you need to do to get your sh*t together so you can strengthen your self-love.

Of course, there are millions of ways to build yourself up to a point of f*cking with yourself 100%, and different methods work for different people and blah blah blah. You know this already. However, since you’re here reading my blog, I can only assume that you’re dying to know how I’ve built up my confidence and love for myself, so listen/read carefully.

The pedestal I’ve put countless undeserving mcm‘s on in the past is now fully reserved for myself, and myself alone.

I’ve forced myself to put myself on that pedestal, because I’ve realised that I need to fully understand that I am the prize. I am the one that people should count themselves lucky to have in their lives. I am the sh*t, and I’m way too f*cking amazing to have to deal with someone that makes me feel even a smidgen less than that.

Now, I touched on this topic in my post about giving yourself accolades (if you haven’t read it yet read it here, it’s one of the best posts I’ve ever written), and knowing the difference between confidence and arrogance - so I won’t go into too much detail here. Yes, me talking myself up and flexing on all of you might come across as arrogant, but this is untrue - arrogance would mean that I see myself superior to others, which is hardly the case. My genuine wish is that everyone reading this begins to think about their achievements and realise that they, too, are deserving of being the highest regarded person in their own lives. Celebrating successes with my equally hardworking and driven friends is definitely my favourite pastime, as well as stunting and shining. F*ck being humble, we can all win.

But seriously - I highly recommend bigging up yourself every day and forcing yourself out of the shackles of humility. It might feel weird at first, but I definitely started to notice that the more I forced myself to speak highly of myself, the more I began to realise that I am the only person I’ll literally be with for the rest of my life, so I might as well love the sh*t out of myself. I’ve come so far on this, and I can’t wait to write about it in detail during my confidence project. I definitely love and regard myself as the most important person in my life now, but I still have a long way to go in terms of being my own biggest fan. It’s definitely a challenge, but the rewards...whew chile.

Obviously, everyone has off days. There will always be the occasional moment where you feel like sh*t and doubt yourself and your abilities - however, it’s up to you to not allow these moments to cripple you and get in the way of winning. Of course, after the breakup I let myself feel like this for an embarrassingly long amount of time, and my self-worth was almost entirely based in the fear that I’d never find someone that would put up with all my “sh*t” again. It took a long time for me to realise that the “sh*t” I put people involved with me through isn’t actually sh*t at all - they’re standards.

Deep it, though. I used to feel bad about having standards, and an idea of how I would like to be treated in a relationship. Do you realise how sad that is?

Anyways - that’s definitely in the past now. I’ve gotten to love myself so much that as soon as I notice that I’m not getting the energy I deserve from someone I like, it’s curtains because I can’t come and kill myself for attention. I can proudly say that I no longer give a f*ck about who enters and exits my life, because I have myself and that is all I need.

To bring all this back to relationships in general, I’d like to bring the cliché “you attract the energy you put out” into the mix. If you’re single and are very insecure about yourself for whatever reason, I can almost guarantee you that you’ll either attract parasitic trash that will take advantage of your insecurities, or the equally bad self proclaimed “Nice Guy™” that will be all sweet to you, but secretly finds joy in drip feeding validation to women with low self-esteem. All because they can’t handle strong women. I have to laugh.

However, if you carry yourself like you know you’re That B*tch - which you are - I promise that you’ll see a difference in the type of people you attract. When I made up my mind that I’m the only person in my life that deserves unconditional love - thus changing the energy that I put out - I definitely noticed a shift in the people I associate myself with, and this is both in terms of platonic friends and otherwise.

I could definitely write a whole post about this, but I’ll keep it short. I realised that some people were only really interested in being in my life due to how insecure I was, and how easy it was to walk all over me. It’s actually quite comical, because as soon as I became more assertive, they either slowly but surely peaced out from my life or started talking sh*t about how I’ve cHaNgEd.

All because they couldn’t handle me now that I’m stronger. Again, I have to laugh.

On the upside, though, my real friends and new people I meet genuinely love how secure and confident I’ve become, and they motivate me to grind even harder and elevate even more than I already have. The bottom line is that it is this type of person you want to attract, f*ck the rest. And then when you decide you’re ready to share your awesomeness with someone else, you’ll be able to easily determine who is deserving of it.

This advice can also be applied to those of you who are already in a relationship, too. Of course, ideally you’re already with someone that motivates and elevates you, you already carry yourself like you’re all that, and you don’t even have problems with insecurities. However, let’s say for argument's sake that you do have insecurities about yourself and the relationship, and you sometimes doubt that this person is right for you.

Shift your worries and attention away from your s/o, and work on combating your own insecurities and demons - because at the end of the day, you can’t force someone else to change. When you’ve gotten to a point of higher self-esteem, I think that the relationship can go one of two ways:

1. Your s/o loves that you’ve become more secure in yourself, applauds you for becoming a stronger person without their validation, and the connection between you becomes even deeper. They love the fact that you have set yourself straight, that you have a life and aspirations outside of them, and might even find motivation to improve themselves after seeing you thrive.

2. Your s/o finds great discomfort in the fact that you’re now more assertive and secure, and subtly tries to drag you back down to a state of submissiveness and insecurity. This, because they knowingly or unknowingly need to feel that they are superior to their partner, or because they have a need to feel needed by somebody else.

Of course, this is overly simplified for the purpose of me making a point - it’s not going to be as black and white as this. All I can really say is that you need to pay close to attention to how your s/o reacts and how your relationship shifts once you become more assertive. If you notice that the relationship takes a shift towards the latter point, then I suggest you seriously evaluate whether the relationship is worth fighting for or not.

Spoiler alert: it isn’t. Relationships aren’t meant to be psychological torture, and your s/o is trash for trying to hinder your emotional wellbeing. Dump them and find someone that’s actually worthy of you.

3. Understand  that you shouldn’t have to change for anybody.

I find this one rather funny, because I feel like this is definitely advice that mums in coming-of-age rom coms give their sullen teenage daughters who are crying their eyes out over some wasteman that treats them like crap. Then the next scene cuts to the girl rolling up to school wearing something ridiculous and not at all what she’d usually wear and acting different - all because she she’s in lOvE. I’m looking at you, Sandy from Grease.

I’m getting carried away, but you know what I mean. What’s even funnier is that I don’t know a single girl that hasn’t gone through something like this in real life - myself included. The amount of us that would try to dress different, act different, look different, listen to music that we hated and watch movies/tv-shows we found dumb just for some useless boy to notice us and like us back is actually astounding and extremely tragic (in my defence… he had a nose ring). If you didn’t succumb to this kind of embarrassing behaviour when you were younger, I genuinely hope you are enjoying the view from your high horse, and I’m also really sorry that your teenage years were sh*t and boring.

All jokes aside - I can’t stress enough how important it is to realise that unless you are an actual axe murderer or clinically insane, you shouldn’t have to change a single thing about yourself for anybody. I’m a firm believer of a notion that a healthy relationship should put you in a place where you wouldn’t mind making changes for your s/o, but at the same time being secure in the knowledge that they would never want you to change. Of course, if somebody you’re interested in gives you genuinely great and constructive advice on how to change something about yourself that you know needs changing, this a completely different story and not at all what I’m referring to in this case.

I’m referring to the cases in which you fall for someone who seems amazing in every way when you get to know them, to the point that you become afraid of losing them. So afraid, that when they start spewing rubbish about how you laugh too loud/dress too provocatively/talk too much/whatever other nonsense they can come up with, you allow it and actively try to suppress certain aspects of yourself to make sure they won’t leave.

First of all, this is extremely manipulative and bordering on emotional abuse. Secondly - although I fully understand the whole being so tantalised by someone that you become Ray Charles to their bullsh*t thing - you need to take a step back from the situation and ask yourself whether they really and truly like you if they’re trying to change everything about you that makes you, you. Best case scenario is that you deep that you’re obviously not compatible, and worst case scenario is that you’ve become involved with an emotionally abusive and controlling bastard that can - in the literal sense - ruin your life.

Thinking about all this makes me think about the first time I heard the poetry in the beginning of Lemonade, and how triggering it was to be able to relate to it to a certain extent:

I tried to change.

Closed my mouth more.

Tried to be softer,

Prettier,

Less awake.

Fasted for 60 days,

Wore white.

Abstained from mirrors.

Abstained from sex.

Slowly did not speak another word.

All that for a man you know, f*cking hell. I wouldn’t go as far as saying that I fasted for 60 days or abstained from anything, but it’s the general notion of subduing certain personality traits that I want to focus on here. In my case, I’m very aware that my energy, vibe and sense of humour (amongst other aspects of my personality) isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Now that I’m older and more secure in myself I have learned to accept to not take it personally when new people I meet aren’t on the same wavelength as me, but when I was younger I really used to take that sh*t to heart. I remember being convinced that I was an annoying little sh*t, and I was constantly watching what I said, not speaking my mind and holding back my hilarity - simply because I didn’t want people I was interested in to think I was too much.

Imagine I used to literally cry myself to sleep because I was convinced that nobody would want me if I didn’t hold back my full madness. Not really sure if I want to die of embarrassment or laugh. Probably both.

Of course, now I know for a fact that I’m an annoying little sh*t, and I’m actually very pleased that I’ve gotten to a place where I can fully accept that. I’ve noticed that ever since I’ve been unapologetically myself, I’ve attracted people that genuinely enjoy and appreciate the full extent of my wisdom and hilarity - platonic friends or otherwise. I actually dare someone to even imply that there’s something about the way I am that they don’t like, and think I should change. I really, really, really wish someone would, because I haven’t had a good laugh in a while.

Anyways, I’ve definitely gone off topic. To round up this section, the point I’m trying to make is that I believe that you should never settle for someone that doesn’t love every single part of your mind and personality before you pursue a relationship with them. Yes, I’m aware that it takes time to get to know someone to that extent, and that’s exactly my point. I feel that many people (myself in the past included) often make the mistake of forcing and/or rushing a connection with someone simply due to the initial attraction that made them want to get to know the person in the first place.

This is problematic in the sense that if you rush into something with someone based on physical attraction alone, more likely than not you’ll soon realise with time that there are certain aspects of that person that you find… unappealing, to put it lightly - and vice versa. Now you’re in a situation where you either pray that the person will cHaNgE fOr YoU, or you go out of your way to force the person to change their ways to be someone that you like better - i.e. not them.

Yes - this works both ways. Just like you have the right to shut anyone who tries to make you change something about yourself down, other people are allowed to not want to pursue something with you if they realise that you’re not compatible. Shocking and upsetting news, I know. I don’t make the rules.

For this exact reason, I am personally not inclined to force or rush anything with anyone, regardless of how tantalising and sweet they may seem. My next relationship will be based on a mutual and in depth understanding of both mine and my s/o’s compatibility and personalities, as well as emotional intelligence and intellectual stimulation. That is by force, because I refuse to put myself through another extended headache, or by feeling like I’m having to hold myself back for them to accept me. Life is way too short for sh*t relationships, and this exactly why I believe that the “talking stage” should not be rushed. No one wants to be surprised by deal-breaking opinions, behaviours or mannerisms six months deep into a relationship - so where is the rush?

Anyways. The bottom line is that you shouldn’t have to change for anyone, and no one should have to change for you. There’s sOmEoNe OuT tHeRe FoR eVeRyOnE - don’t let your fear of being alone force you into something that you later on realise you don’t even want.

4. Know that if all else fails - you will be fine.

I’ve put this point at the end because I think it ties together all the takeaways from the previous point real nice-like. Of course, there are infinite reasons as to why relationships end up fizzling out, but this is even irrelevant to the point I’m trying to make.

The reason why I’ve written so extensively about how important it is to understand that you don’t need anyone else’s attention and validation to be happy, how important it is to f*ck with yourself 100% and understanding that you are amazing just the way you are is because I didn’t have anything like this to read when I was at my lowest. I really had to figure all of this out for myself, and although I’ve definitely learned a lot and changed for the better - it still took a massive and painful toll on me emotionally and mentally, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

For me, learning how to be comfortable with being alone, learning how to love myself inside out, realising my immense worth and putting myself first in all aspects of my life really has given me the ability to say that regardless of what life throws at me - relationship-wise or otherwise - I will be okay. I am strong. I am smart. I am f*cking amazing, and everyone that has or has had anything to do with me is truly blessed.

My genuine wish is that my openness and honesty about how I got through a really (for me) emotionally devastating time will help others that might be able to relate to certain aspects of it, or that need empowering to believe that they are capable of building their self-love, resilience and self-confidence.

I think the main point I want to bring focus on in this section is the changes I made to my life to make myself independent of anyone else’s validation and life. When I was forced to reevaluate my life goals and aspirations (since they were very much dependent on the assumption that my ex would be in my future), I took extra care to ensure that they benefited me and me alone. Once I had realigned them and began to grind for my own damn self, I quickly realised that I’ll never be able to go back to a state of dependency or submissiveness ever again.

And that, beloved, is exactly how I know that my next relationship - whenever it comes along - will be A1. I say this with vim, because now I know exactly how I deserve to be treated and loved. I am physically, mentally and emotionally unable to accept anything less than what I know I deserve. Furthermore, all this newfound self-love has empowered me to be a better partner to whoever is lucky to end up with me. You see the motivation, support, intellectual stimulation, peace of mind and non-stop laughter they will get? Whew chile. My babes will enjoy.

So - regardless of if you’re in a (hopefully) happy relationship, happily single, still healing or looking for your Johnny/Caro - I hope that there is at least something you can take away from this post and apply to your life to be able to contribute to your happiness, confidence and mental wellbeing.

Or maybe this whole post was a waste of time and energy, because then again - what do I know firsthand about successful relationships? Zilch. I really could just be chatting sh*t - it wouldn’t be the first time.

Anyways, I can’t come and kill myself. I’ll let you be the judge of if I’m talking sense or not.

Love,

Liv

[cxlvins]

...000. INTRODUCTION.

helloooo lovelies ! my name is evan (he/him), i’m twenty-two and from the gmt timezone ! i’m super excited for this to open because i’ve got so much muse right now. i’m down for any and all plots, seriously, i love plotting ! this is calvin, he’s an angry mess of a character, but he’s fun to play, so ! if you just wanna get to know the character, you can skip past the other sections and just focus on personality, i’ve also put some wanted connections in there too ! if you would like to plot, then either shoot me a message here or on discord (heterosexual? how vintage!#8600) or alternatively, like this post and i will message you !

caution: alcohol, drugs, mental health, death.

›› ✱ xavier serrano, cismale, he/him. you’ve met calvin marx, right? they’re around twenty-three and a twitch streamer. they’re all about thrift store clothing and the faint smell of cologne and cigarettes, hence why they’re known as the spitfire around town. everyone knows them to be pretty gregarious but i’ve heard they’re actually sort of volatile, too… don’t tell them i said that, okay?

...001. BRIEF HISTORY.

calvin grew up very underprivileged for the first 11 years of his life in brooklyn, ny.

his father died when he was 5 years old to a drug overdose, leading his mother became a single mother to him and his younger sister, essentially meaning that calvin had to grow up and be the ‘man of the house’ without having a choice.

because of her new single-mother status, calvins mother had to work 3 different jobs in order for the family to pay rent (a cleaner in mornings, a store assistant in the day and a bartender in the evenings), which meant she was rarely home and left calvin to raise both himself and younger sister.

from a very early age, it was apparent that calvin suffered from anger issues, dyslexia and adhd, constantly getting into fights at every opportunity, his complete inability to focus and never managing to make it through a week at school without a phone call home.

these issues remained untreated, due to his mother putting it down to the ‘boys will be boys’ ideology, and concluding that calvin was just an energetic one at that.

because of this, calvin fell into the wrong crowd pretty quickly and settled into his mindset that he was never going to achieve all that much anyway, because no matter how hard he tried, he could never score well on any test at school.

at the age of 9, calvins mother met, fell in love with and soon married a former client for whom she cleaned for.  calvins new step father was incredibly wealthy, due to being a successful franchisee and also being very largely into stock trading.

calvin, his sister and mother were all moved to his home in cherrybrooks, which calvin struggled to adjust to, as he missed his friends back north.

now having access to as much money as he want led him down an early path into experimenting with drugs and alcohol, which soon became a bad habit.

although he wanted to drop out of school, his new step-father would not allow it, which became a large source of conflict for the family over the course of the next few years.

failing to graduate high school at age eighteen, calvin couldn’t deal with living with his family any more and left the house to move into a small apartment, 30 minutes away, with a roommate (possibly a member of the clique).

calvins only real passions were for gaming and sport, and as he smoked and did way too many drugs to make it in any sporting profession, he turned his attention to twitch streaming. he began this pretty soon and built up a solid fanbase (which he wanted to call the marxists, but in calvins words, apparently some dead man already claimed that title).

...002. PERSONALITY.

calvin is a naturally angry person who can lose his cool and go from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds, he rarely gives off signs that he is getting angry until he boils over, so people tend to watch what they say around him.

calvin is self-serving, his feelings will always come before those around him. although he is getting better at managing this, if something will result in calvin gaining something at the expense of somebody else, he will most likely go ahead with it.

calvin is not well educated, so he doesn’t tend to enjoy arguing with words, as he can never seem to find the ones to correctly express how he feels. instead, calvin is much more likely to act physically when something has irritated him (whether this be on a person or inanimate object).

calvin is an awful liar, he cannot lie to save his life as his face always tends to show when he doesn’t agree with an idea/opion/thought that somebody says. because of this, he is very outspoken, and will just say what he’s thinking regardless of if it’s going to hurt somebodies feelings. he’d rather upset them with the truth, than get caught out for lying.

calvin is an extrovert and gains energy from being around people - the more people the better, because of this, he has become a major party animal and loves attending any and all parties that is going on, despite if he’s fond of the hosts or not.

calvin is a heavy user of drugs, alcohol & cigarettes. this is primarily down to his naturally addictive personality and constant need to feel like he’s happy, so that he doesn’t get sad again. there will rarely be a day where he will not  be intoxicated in some way and he will have a cigarette at least once an hour – and that’s on a good day.

calvin is very much into sports. although not a natural athlete, nor somebody interested in playing sports competitively, calvin loves watching any and all sports, and he likes to play them when he can. due to his smoking habit, he can’t play sports for too long, but will always give it a good go.

similarly to this, calvin is very much into gaming. calvin loves fast-paced games, because they manage to keep his attention despite him not having a very long attention span. most games that he plays are first person shooters, and he’s usually the guy on the mic screaming when a teammate fucks up during online play. a big appeal to him was that games were the only thing he could focus his mind on as a child.

calvin is very much a boys boy, he genuinely abides by the bible of ‘ bros before hoes ‘ because he’s stupid.

calvin hates movies but loves tv, he finds that watching moves involves sitting still for too long, but tv allows him to take more breaks and keeps his interest for longer. although. he’d probably trade both of them for a chance to leave the house.

...003. TRAITS.

[ G R E G A R I O U S ] (+) — a person fond of company; sociable.

[ I N T U I T I V E ] (+) — using or based on what one feels to be true even without conscious reasoning; instinctive.

[ F O R T H R I G H T ] (+) — direct and outspoken.

[ V O L A T I L E ] (-) — liable to change rapidly and unpredictably, especially for the worse.

[ V E N G E F U L ] (-) — not willing to forgive or excuse people’s faults or wrongdoings.

[ H E D O N I S T I C ] (-) — engaged in the pursuit of pleasure; sensually self-indulgent.

...004. WANTED CONNECTIONS.

CURRENT BEST FRIENDS — Possibly a boy squad? I live for a good boy squad. This person will have similar interests to Calvin, or be able to tolerate his volatile mood.

CHILDHOOD BEST FRIENDS — Someone with a similar upbringing from Brooklyn, most likely they grew apart when Calvin moved to Wilmington.

RIDE OR DIES — Although he primarily looks out for himself, I’m down to have Calvin have one person who he’s loyal to and will refuse to betray, we can come up with a fun reason for why he cares so much if you’re interested in this one.

HIS ROOMMATE — Somebody that moved with Calvin into his current apartment when he moved out at 18.

A GOOD INFLUENCE ON CALVIN — One of my favorite connections for Calvin to have is somebody who knows all of his flaws and attempts to help fix them. They’ll have to be patient, though, as Calvin doesn’t see himself for having any issues.

SOMEBODY HE IS A BAD INFLUENCE OF — On the opposite, I love when Calvin has somebody that he can introduce to bad things, corrupt easily and get a kick out of watching the commotion.

EXES ON BAD TERMS — Cheating on each other is usually an easy one to go with, but if you want, we can think of something more unique as to how it all fucked up and why they now hate each other.

EXES ON GOOD TERMS — Maybe they still occasionally fuck? There could still be an attraction there, but just no romantic chemistry. Alternatively, they tried it and both just couldn’t see it going anywhere.

EXES WITH LINGERING FEELINGS — There’s a ton of different reasons for why there’s still lingering feelings. The feelings could be one-sided or both ways.

EX FLINGS — Started as friends with benefits, one of them wanted more, the other didn’t, they decided to stop before someone got hurt.

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS — No romantic intention, just a good way to kill time at 2 AM, or maybe it’s easy to know you have someone to go home to if you don’t find someone at a party.

FRIENDS FOR NECESSITY — This friend may not have that much in common with Calvin, they may not really get on in day to day life, but they are always there to get high, attend a party or do something dumb. an easy person to talk to when they’re both bored and wanna get out.

HIS YOUNGER SISTER — If anybody fancies a second character, I’m always down to have Calvins sister in the roleplay. They can either get along or not, we’ll just figure out the details.

EX FRIENDS — Used to be close but now aren’t, plenty of reasons as to why.

ENEMIES — Despise each other, seeing this person literally makes Calvins blood boil. Possibly sexual tension too if that would work, if not, they can just fight a lot.

WILL THEY / WON’T THEY — Lots of leading on and teasing each other, maybe they both think they’re stringing the other along but it turns out neither of them are interested? Maybe they start out not interested and it backfires later, by that time the other could’ve lost interest.

ANY OTHER IDEAS YOU THINK WILL WORK !

...005. ADDITIONAL INFORMATION.

Calvin is bisexual but heteroromantic, so any sexual-based connections can be taken by any gender.

Calvins Pinterest can be located here. Please note that it contains triggers for alcohol, drugs, blood & violence.

[orkomedix-blog]

5 Tough Wedding and Money Questions, Answered!

In the event that there's one thing individuals don't love to discuss, it's cash. Cash is a standout amongst the most famously awkward subjects of discussion, yet when you're arranging a wedding it's a point you should propose so as to get anything booked or paid for. 

Since cash is associated with each wedding choice you make—regardless of whether you should book in spring or fall, what sort of dress shop you should visit, what number of bridesmaids you have—it's essential to be on indistinguishable page from your future mate and any individual who is helping you with the wedding spending plan. To enable you to settle on certain choices and have those cumbersome cash discussions, we chose to answer probably the hardest wedding inquiries concerning cash there are. 

1. Who pays for the wedding if my folks are separated? 

Customarily, the lady of the hour's folks paid for the whole of the service and the gathering, with the husband to be's family contributing to pay for the practice supper. Today, the cutting edge couple pays for a ton of the service and gathering themselves, and it's normal to see the two arrangements of guardians contributing similarly. 

In the event that your folks are separated, matters of cash can be boundlessly progressively confounded. The response to this inquiry is that, in all honesty, it depends. The best activity is assess your specific circumstance. Would one parent paying for the wedding upset the other parent? Are the two guardians ready to similarly contribute? Be blunt and defined limits with your folks front and center in the event that one or even them two are putting forth to contribute. 

2. By what means would it be a good idea for us to isolate the wedding spending plan if our folks need to help? 

A lady of the hour and man of the hour presenting with their family including guardians who helped spread the expense of the wedding. 

In the event that you are sufficiently fortunate to get your folks' assistance with the wedding spending plan, the best activity is to take a seat with them and ask precisely the amount they can contribute. While this may seem like an awkward discussion, you need to realize precisely the amount you'll have in your general spending plan with the goal that you can design better. 

Having a careful number from your folks (in addition to the sum you two will contribute) will enable you to decide the amount to dispense towards the scene, cooking, liquor, solicitations, and so on. This likewise gives you more authority over what administrations and settings you book. Your folks could item to having a wedding at a specific spot or give you undesirable assessments about a cook in the event that you are requesting that they help you with the wedding spending piece by piece. 

3. My future life partner and I don't have any guardians helping us with the wedding spending plan. What's the most ideal approach to anticipate costs? 

On the off chance that you are paying for the wedding yourselves, you'll have to choose how huge of a wedding you'll have and how you will need to pay for it. Check out how a lot of cash you both have in investment funds and how a lot of cash you could possibly spare after the majority of your budgetary obligations every month. What you need to maintain a strategic distance from is bringing about a great deal of charge card obligation—something that could unleash devastation on your future budgetary lives when you're hitched. 

The normal expense of a wedding is about $25,000 and rising. There are a lot of approaches to imaginatively cut expenses, yet tossing a wedding for 100+ individuals is going to cost a pretty penny. The most ideal approach to get ready for these expenses is to consider them practically. This implies in the event that you don't have all that much set aside, you'll have to get ready for to what extent it'll take you to spare the cash required to pay for the wedding you need or consider tossing a littler wedding. 

4. My in-laws have a long list of attendees, however my folks are paying for everything. What would it be advisable for us to do? 

A gathering of wedding visitors toasting with champagne. 

You and your life partner to-be decide the last list if people to attend—period. Have a top at the top of the priority list for the list if people to attend (this can either be commanded by the wedding scene you picked or by a number that sounds agreeable to the both of you). On the off chance that your in-laws need to welcome additional visitors, you'll should be firm and told them that there is essentially no stay with the plans you've effectively made. On the off chance that these visitors must be welcomed, at that point inquire as to whether your in-laws would add to the general expense. 

5. How would we approach our folks for help with the wedding spending plan on the off chance that they haven't offered a money related commitment yet? 

The most ideal approach is to not expect that they have a mystery wedding store put something aside for you. Inquire as to whether they are capable and willing to contribute over supper one night—and set yourself up for the appropriate response. A few families don't have the way to help with the cost of a wedding, and that is splendidly OK. You may need to straighten out what your concept of a reasonable wedding looks like or invest some energy saving money on your own all through your commitment with the goal that you can arrive in the end. 

A gathering of individuals at a wedding gathering with sparklers lit against a night sky. 

Have you constantly longed for having a major wedding, yet at the same time need the air to be cozy? There's nothing more terrible than going to a tremendous wedding where you don't get the opportunity to talk with the lady and man of the hour; don't give your friends and family a chance to wind up simply one more face in the group at your wedding! 

The normal number of visitors welcome to weddings is 136. This is an entirely sensible sum, yet what happens when that number crawls more like 200? That is many individuals to welcome and communicate with by and by over a four-hour supper gathering. All in all, what would it be advisable for you to do? 

It's difficult to wipe out individuals you care about from your enormous day be that as it may, fortunately, you don't need to. Indeed, you can at present make that close inclination you've constantly needed without dropping a solitary individual from the occasion. Remember the accompanying tips to guarantee both your wedding service and gathering are welcoming, warm, and individual. 

A showcase of individual photographs at a wedding gathering. 

The manner in which you adorn will incredibly affect your wedding's general climate. While almost certainly, you've discovered various embellishment thoughts on the web (Pinterest is both a blessing and a revile!), it's totally basic that you pick components that fit your style as a team. One of the most straightforward approaches to make your wedding close is to fuse however many individual contacts as could be allowed. Staying true to yourselves is the best game-plan—on the off chance that you need Death Stars and X-Wing Starfighter models dangling from the roof or a TARDIS-molded cake, at that point pull out all the stops! 

(On a progressively specialized note, abstain from incorporating mirrors in your designs. Mirrors make the fantasy of extra space. To keep your wedding comfortable, let these well enough alone for your embellishment plans.) 

Settle on a Cozier Venue 

One of the least demanding approaches to guarantee your enormous wedding is personal is to pick a comfortable scene. This may appear to be outlandish as you're intending to welcome countless. Keeping everybody close, be that as it may, will make the environment you're chasing. Your visitors will be compelled to blend with each other. You'll additionally have the capacity to effectively find individuals for a fast visit or embrace. An extensive assembly hall or open domain, then again, advances remove and will result in a great deal of void space. 

In the event that conceivable, discover a setting that is little, yet has different rooms or spaces. You and your visitors can move between the distinctive zones to collaborate with others, get nourishment, and move. Your loved ones may likewise appreciate the capacity to investigate a bit. 

Set the Mood with Lighting 

An exquisite table at a wedding gathering with candles and twinkle lights in a tree. 

Enrichments aren't the main thing that will set the tone of your wedding; your lighting can assume an immense job in setting up a cozy environment for your function and gathering. Keeping your lights diminish will make a delicate sparkle in the room. Candles are additionally very compelling. In the event that your scene permits the utilization of candles, fuse however many as could be expected under the circumstances. 

Darkening the lights is particularly compelling in the event that you pick the correct shading plan. Matte, dull hues ingest light great and will make a milder stylish. On the off chance that you firmly favor lighters hues, ivory (rather than white) is likely the best decision. 

Who says your wedding should last just a solitary day? No place is it composed that you should constrain yourselves thusly. Making your association into an end of the week occasion is perfect when you have an expansive list if people to attend, as you'll all have essentially more opportunity to cooperate. This is especially perfect for goal weddings on the grounds that your visitors will acknowledge additional opportunity to see the adjacent sights. 

On the off chance that you like the possibility of a multiday wedding, ensure you incorporate a few unique exercises for your visitors. Consider setting up an appreciated mixed drink party on Friday evening so everybody inspires an opportunity to blend. You may likewise need to plan some fun exercises, a gathering early lunch, a gathering supper, or potentially a goodbye party. 

Moving isn't the main fun action to fuse into your wedding. Truth be told, giving a wide variety of diversion choices for your visitors can influence your occasion to appear to be substantially more personal. Discover subject related exercises that your loved ones can appreciate all through the night. A couple of extraordinary alternatives incorporate dark jack tables, corn gap, fire pits, s'mores stations, photograph stalls, grass recreations, table games, or a scrounger chase.

 In case you're worn out on fussing over who to cut from your list of attendees, stop at this moment. Huge weddings are amazing. All things considered, how often will you and your life partner have the chance to bring the majority of your dearest loved ones together in one spot? Don't sacrif