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darcytaylor · 2 months ago

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You may be tired of this discourse and in that case, feel free to skip this lol, but I was thinking about some things today after rewatching S3 and seeing the new pap attack on N&JD and Tom H getting fed up with Zendaya being swarmed by fans, and I was thinking, what would I do if I was in their position or I was the normie partner of a celebrity? Like, I can't even imagine dealing with something like that, but if I had to, what would I do?

I was also thinking about why I was really put off by A's latest photo dump and I've come to some realizations. I was aware of her existence early on but I wasn't deep into the fandom until May, so I wasn't phased by the stuff with her and L that came out after. I didn't look into her much because frankly I wasn't interested and I was very vocal about people giving her grace or barring that, at least ignoring her. I felt like whatever she did, the fandom would find a way to hold it against her, so she might as well live her life. That is why when people spoke of her "playing SM games", I scoffed at it and interpreted her posts as typical GenZ SM activity. But that started to change for me when she posted those two stories where she literally bent over backwards to show us that L was her phone background, and resurfaced again with the latest summer dump, where she went out of her way to post parallel photos with L when he'd made every effort to make this paid-for promo as free of any hints to his private life as possible. And I started to think, why would she do that, especially if it was a sponsored post (which, mind you, is still up), which he would be expected to be professional about? If I was the partner of a celebrity and they clearly wanted us to be private, and made every effort to make it so, why, out of everything I could be posting, would I post things that would be sure to rile up a trigger-happy fandom and heap further hate onto my partner? Why, after everything that's happened, would someone do that? The only reason I can think of is - they care more about the attention they're getting from being with that person than the person's actual wellbeing.

Both him and his entire friend group changed their posting behavior post-Sorrento. Everyone... Except A. Now, I don't know what goes on in her comment sections, I don't go there nor do I wish to, so I don't know what she might be responding to with her posts. However, when everyone else in their circle has pulled back and learned lessons about fame and unhinged stalker behavior, why hasn't she? I used to make the argument of, well, she's a model and dancer, and therefore she has to maintain an SM presence to book jobs. Yet... These kinds of posts - the hints, the random limbs, the implied company, the specific timing and locations... These are things that contribute nothing to her professional aspirations. Most of them are empty landscapes and very generic photos without her in it. There's no purpose to them other than to maintain a back-and-forth with a small but captive audience that's build up around her. I now realize that I got this all wrong because to me, desiring and actively seeking out attention or fame is an alien concept - I don't understand why anyone would. But something about watching Portia say "my girl" to Pen after her speech and then remembering that that's exactly what A's mom commented on the papgate pics made me realize that I need to look at this from the POV of her having gone on a talent show and having a dad who's a DJ and how chasing fame (or in A's case, it's moreso notoriety) might not just be normalized, but perhaps even the "done thing" in her household. If my mom saw me plastered all over the tabloids with me and my partner looking freaked out and miserable, I'd really take issue with her if that was her reaction. What about that sordid incident was to be celebrated??? I understand now why so many people felt strongly it had been staged.

So now that my lens has shifted, I've been analyzing her actions from the POV of - what if they're calculated? And while L isn't entirely without fault here, he has course-corrected, so what's her endgame here? Both of their careers seem to have suffered. If I'm not mistaken, she used to be able to book better gigs, and while the Hollywood downturn is something that is happening, one has to wonder if all of this drama hasn't impacted L's ability to book roles, especially when compared to his costars' bookedness and busyness.

I was also thinking about all the WT-related events that she awkwardly tagged along to and what I would've done if I was in a situation like that, getting bombarded with hate from strangers over my very existence, but I liked the person and I wanted to stay with them. And honestly? I wouldn't have gone. Or at the very least, I would've been as discreet as possible. And while it's clear that it's L who had to invite her and he's the one who waffled on launching her until someone else did it for him, she could've conducted herself differently and at least flown under the radar more. Yet she elected to be photographed on red carpets, stepping out of cars with his family, knowing that people would pay attention to that group of people. What did she think would happen? That the public would swoon over her, someone with very little to her name? And it's like, at this point, she could stop. She should stop. L, R, S all have, to the best of my knowledge. But she can't seem to help herself. She had to make it known that she was in Spain with him, and for a second time, too. At this point I can no longer reasonably attribute these patterns of behavior to her age or inexperience. She's not changing her ways because she's feeding off of this. I mostly wasn't paying attention, but I was also naive, because I don't think like people who desire fame think. I just wonder where L is at with all of this and why he's going along with it still, is it rose-colored glasses? Does he feel guilty for everything that's transpired? Is he now stubborn and feeling petty, so he'll keep indulging her and trolling the fandom by proxy?

I was thinking about how there are so many celebrities whose partners I couldn't pick out of a lineup - I know they exist, but they aren't front and center. Some even have rabid female fanbases, yet they've managed to keep their private lives on the DL. I couldn't tell you what David Tennant's wife looks like, or Dan Stevens', or Jamie Dornan's, to name a few. There are actors who have been with their partners for a long time but almost never take them to events and they're still fine. So, I don't know if N&L landed in the spotlight too late in life so they still think of themselves as regular people and couldn't really anticipate this, but in A's case, given everything I know about her now, I'm honestly done giving her the benefit of the doubt. My biggest question now is - why does L continue to? And for how long? Is he complicit in these games or does it not even occur to him that's what they are, like in my case? I guess if we don't look too closely at things, we can't see them for what they are.

Anyway, I hope you're having a fun rewatch like I did and I hope our faves are safe and happy and DM burns to the ground, amen.

I wasn’t too sure if I wanted to respond to this ask because I was concerned it might add unnecessary drama to this whole situation. However, I thought about it and realised that you seem to be approaching this with a lot of empathy and depth, which I really appreciate. Your long, drawn-out paragraphs (which I definitely appreciate!) tell me you’ve put a lot of reflection into this.

You raise some interesting points about navigating a relationship with a public figure, especially when the partner isn’t someone in the public eye (and maybe they want to be and their family wants it for them as well). It’s understandable to wonder what someone would do in that position, especially when you see posts that seem to clash with the other's desire for privacy. Something about it feels like it's part of a social media game - or even a subtle taunting of the fans/fandom.

I do like that you questioned if it could be Antonia being Gen Z and that it might just be part of that always-online mentality, where sharing life moments (even indirectly) is natural, without considering public repercussions. But at the same time, if you’re dating a public figure who wants privacy, it would make sense to be more mindful. Part of being in the public eye is knowing that people will observe your every move, and when those closest to you don’t understand that reality, it will create issues.

I understand the shift in your perspective. When actions repeatedly go against someone’s implied boundaries, it raises questions about motivation and whether they’re prioritising attention (self-image or fame) over respecting the relationship they are in.

I noticed the change in the friend group after the Sorrento trip as well (I think I also mentioned it somewhere in a blog post), and while I will say Antonia did change her habits a bit (she deleted a number of Instagram posts of her trips with Luke), I agree that out of everyone, she’s still the one who continues to post and make it known that she may be with him (but then fan's also imply and spiral over the smallest things as well). It’s strange to continue doing that when you know these posts will only fuel ongoing speculation rather than help reduce it. And honestly, I think that, at this point, reducing speculation could only be beneficial for Luke. Antonia's posts seem more detrimental than supportive.

I’m sure fame would be hard to navigate, and I think it’s fair to say that, in certain situations, some people might see an opportunity to maintain or even leverage attention, regardless of how it might play out publicly.

In the end, I have no idea why any of the people in this situation continue to do what they’re doing, or why they keep posting things that only fuel more drama. I’ve mentioned before that maybe this is Luke’s way of not letting the fandom dictate his life - but, like you said, maybe he’s seeing things through rose-coloured glasses, or even feeling a sense of guilt or responsibility to make Antonia happy given the amount of hate she’s received. It could be any combination of loyalty, stubbornness, or simply him wanting to show support, even though the public perception won’t be positive. Luke could be trying to balance his desire to keep things private with Antonia’s approach, which may be different. But we won’t know for sure without knowing him personally (or being him!). It's all speculation and guesswork.

In the end, these kinds of things are complex, and I think reflecting on why people make the choices they do is absolutely valid and normal. But like I always say, there are so many possibilities for why things are taking place and unfolding the way they are. There are countless options and scenarios, both now and in the past, that could explain each action. Even if something seems clear, as fans, we don't know anything about motivations or anybody’s relationship status.

I really enjoyed reading your ask - it offers a lot to consider about how fame and notoriety affect both personal and professional lives, especially when someone’s actions seem intentional or at odds with their partner’s approach to privacy. So thank you!

I am having fun with my rewatch! I also wouldn't mind if DM burnt to the ground!

#bridgerton #luke newton

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flightlessangelwings · 1 year ago

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Ktober 2023 Day 31- Free choice

Fee use orgy with the Narcos boys

Horacio Carrillo x Javier Peña x Steve Murphy x fem!reader

Word count- 2.9k

Warnings- s.mut (18+ ONLY!), restraints, blindfold, free use, group sex, piv, anal, oral, pussy slapping, overstim, multiple orgasms, fingering, praise, no use of y/n (there's a lot in this one so please let me know if I forgot anything!)

About this reader- stated to be involved with both Carrillos but I left it vague so it's open to interpretation, also mentioned she used to be involved with Javi but again it's open to interpretation, hinted to be bisexual but can be left up to you how you read it, no physical descriptions other than body parts

Notes- Going out with a bang here literally lol! Oh I had so much fun with this one so I hope y'all have just as much fun reading it! And by far this is the longest fic of the month. Prompt list made by me! Enjoy!

@flightlessangelwings-updates is myupdate blog so please follow that too and turn on post notifs to stay up to date on my new fics!

“Peña. Murphy. My office,” Colonel Carrillo ordered the two men. It was late in the day, and only a skeleton crew still lingered behind.

The two agents looked at each other with a serious expression before they silently stood and followed the Colonel. He seemed stiff, and his expression was unreadable. Neither Steve nor Javi knew what to make of him at that moment.

Carrillo glanced around the empty office as half the lights shut off on their own, leaving the three men in shadows. He inhaled deeply, puffing out his chest as he did so.

Once Javier and Steve reached the doorway of Carrillo’s office, he paused and turned to them, “It has come to my attention that the two of you have been working too hard lately.”

“And?” Steve huffed as he crossed his arms. Javier mirrored the action.

Carrillo flashed a smirk before he opened his office door, “This way.”

Javier and Steve exchanged one last glance before they followed into the dark office. Carrillo was right behind them, and they noticed that he closed and locked the door before he flicked the lights on. And when the two men laid eyes on what surprise the colonel had in store for them, their mouths dropped open in shock.

“Hello boys,” you purred from where you were laid out on the desk.

“Wait a second,” Steve sounded flustered as he tripped over his words.

Javier just grinned, “I didn’t think you had it in you,” he turned to address you by name, “How did you get roped into this?”

“This is some shit Javi would think up. Not you,” Steve interjected.

Carrillo raised his hands in surrender as his eyes dropped to the floor, “This was her idea actually,” he sounded uncharacteristically sheepish at the confession.

The grin never left your face, entertained by the expression of shock and confusion on Steve and Javier’s faces. Finding you naked and tied to Carrillo’s desk was the last thing they expected. But, you had a feeling this was just the perfect remedy they needed.

“Horacio has been under a lot of pressure lately,” you explained, “Juliana and I can tell when he’s off. And… We came up with this arrangement,” you shimmied your shoulders as much as you could while bound by Carrillo’s tight binds, letting the rest explain itself.

Steve and Javier looked at Carrillo. Then, Steve turned to Javier, “How do you know her then?”

“We have a history,” Javier left it at that. His eyes never left the Colonel, though, surprised to find you of all people involved with him.

“Wait, wait,” Steve protested, “I have a wife, you know.”

“You could have brought her too,” you smirked, giving Steve a wink when his eyes locked with yours.

That made Steve blush. Javier covered his face to hide the proud smirk at the fact that you accomplished that. But, his own gaze wandered back to your tied, naked figure spread out of Carrillo’s desk. He clenched his fist as he thought about everything he would easily do to you while you were like that. He couldn’t help the thoughts that popped into his head.

Feeling his gaze on you, you looked up to meet his eyes and your breath caught in your chest for a moment. It wasn’t until you saw Carrillo move from around him and saunter over to you that you remembered to breathe again.

“Here’s how this is going to work,” Carrillo’s commanding voice broke the tension in the room, “She is here for us to use. Get whatever shit you’re holding onto out. And tomorrow, we start fresh.”

Carrillo looked you over, admiring his handiwork. He reached out and gently caressed your body with the back of his hand, causing you to gasp. Your eyes fluttered shut as you savored the light, teasing touch of him, and goosebumps erupted on your skin wherever his hand grazed. Knowing exactly what spots drove you wild, Carrillo gave you light pinches and squeezes, murmuring your name with praise.

“You know your signal if you need to stop,” he spoke softly in your ear as he pulled something out of his pocket.

“I do,” you whispered back as you opened your eyes and were met with his handsome face just inches from yours.

“Good,” Carrillo leaned in and kissed you deeply as he yanked the bandana in his hand taut. Vaguely, you both heard groaning from the other end of the room, and you knew the others were enjoying the little display. He broke away from the kiss, placing one last light one between your eyes before he tied the bandana securely around them, blocking your vision and leaving you even more helpless.

You couldn’t stop the moan as a rush of excitement ran through your veins. It had been a secret fantasy for this to happen, and when the opportunity presented itself, you jumped on it. You arched your back as you felt a hand, Carrillo’s, ran across your chest and stomach, tracing a random pattern until it grabbed your breast firmly. You cried out as he pinched your nipple and rolled it between his calloused fingers.

Javier and Steve watched with sharp eyes as Carrillo caressed your body. They felt the heat all the way on the other side of the office, and they felt just as captivated as you were. Javier had no qualms about what Carrillo proposed from the start, and he unbuttoned his shirt and belt without another word. Even Steve, who was hesitant at first, felt drawn to you, and he too loosened his shirt.

“She’s beautiful isn’t she?” Carrillo smirked with pride as he squeezed your breasts again, making you moan.

The way Carrillo had you tied left you on full display for the men in the room. Your legs were tied to each corner of the desk, spreading them wide and leaving your dripping pussy fully exposed. Your arms were tied together above your head at the other end of the desk, pushing your breasts up. The binds were so tight that you could barely even wriggle from side to side, but you assured Carrillo before he went to get the other two that you were comfortable like this.

You were going to be here for a while after all.

“She is,” Javier murmured as his eyes landed on your cunt. His cock involuntarily twitched in his pants, but all he could think about was devouring your pussy.

Faintly, Steve hummed in agreement as he unzipped his pants.

Javier dropped down to his knees, careful not to touch you so that it would come as a surprise when he finally did. It took a great deal of restraint, but once he was settled between your bound parted legs, he reeled forward and covered your pussy with his mouth, immediately sucking at you hard. You let out a loud scream and arched your back at the sensation.

“That’s it,” Carrillo cooed as he watched Javier lick at your folds.

Without your sight, every move was a surprise, and it only turned you on more. Feeling the tongue against your clit drove you wild, and your moans quickly grew louder and louder. Suddenly, you felt another pair of hands on your breasts, and you cried out when your mind caught up to you and you realized all three men were touching you now.

Not knowing who was where added to the thrill for you. Yet, you had a feeling that it was Javier who was currently between your legs, licking and sucking at you with abandon. The two pairs of hands that caressed your breasts kneaded you harder, and one hand trailed up your body to push two fingers into your mouth. You wrapped your lips around the digits, running your tongue up and down and sucking at the tip without hesitation. The groan the hand’s owner let out went right to your core.

Javier groaned into you, feeling the pulse of need. He grabbed your thighs and picked up his pace with his tongue, rolling it up and down your folds before pushing it into your entrance a few times. His cock ached with need as he tasted you, but he wanted to make you fall apart first. And soon, once his tongue hit your clit again, Javier got what he wanted.

You came without warning, your legs shaking on either side of Javier’s face as you screamed loudly around the finger in your mouth. In the darkness of your blindfold, you saw stars as Javier didn’t relent, working you through your orgasm until a second one hit before you even came down from the first.

Javier broke away with a loud breath, taking in fresh air for the first time. He sat back and admired his handiwork as your pussy glistened before him. He murmured your name as his hand caressed your cunt, running his fingers up and down a few times before he pushed two inside of you.

“That’s it,” he purred as he pumped his fingers in and out of you, making you moan again.

But, just as he was about to pick up his pace, Carrillo grabbed his wrist and forced him out of you, causing both you and Javier to let out sounds of protest. Carrillo looked at Javier with a sharp expression as he shook his head. The message was loud and clear without the words needed: don’t hog her.

Carrillo chose not to speak on purpose, he wanted to keep you guessing who was where, and he wanted every action to surprise you. Without your sight or ability to move, he accomplished just that.

You whimpered when you felt one pair of hands break off of your breast, but immediately screamed when you felt a hand slap your pussy. You jolted in your restraints as the hand slapped your pussy again and you cried out in pleasure.

Steve watched as Carrillo slapped your pussy again, and he couldn’t ignore his down needs. So, he pulled his fingers out of your mouth and pushed his pants down to his ankles, freeing his cock. He stroked it a few times before he gently slapped your cheek with it in a silent order for you to open your mouth. You complied, parting your lips for whoever was next to you, and Steve couldn’t help but praise you.

“Good girl,” he groaned as he slipped his cock past your lips and into your mouth. He let out a low growl as your warmth engulfed him, and you played with his cock with your tongue. Fuck, you were good at this, he thought.

While your mouth was busy with Steve, Carrillo and Javier turned their attention to between your legs. Both men ran their fingers along your already spent cunt, causing you to gasp around Steve’s cock. But, their next action took you even more off guard.

You felt two fingers enter your pussy, easily since you were already so turned on and wet from cumming twice. You moaned around Steve’s cock as you felt the thick fingers fill you up, and your mouth dropped open when they crooked and hit that sweet spot inside you. As those fingers continued to massage the inside of you, you felt another finger poke at your other hole, making you gasp.

Slowly, carefully, the finger entered you, and you cried out in a mix of pain and pleasure. You felt a hand on your breast, squeezing and caressing your sensitive skin while the other fingers pumping in and out of your pussy. Tears filled your eyes as you felt a second finger enter your backside, stretching you out even more.

All three men watched with awe as you took two fingers in each hole while Steve’s cock stayed in your mouth. You looked so beautiful like this, completely helpless for whatever the men wanted, and it only made them want you more. Steve couldn’t stop himself, and he grabbed your head and thrust his cock deeper down your throat as his emotions overwhelmed him.

Javier and Carrillo watched with burning gazes as Steve fucked your face, and in that moment neither of them could wait any longer. They glanced at each other and nodded, knowing exactly what the other was thinking. Slowly, they each pulled their fingers out of you, and they knew you let out a whine around Steve’s cock.

The two men quickly stripped themselves, holding their cocks in their hands and reading themselves for you. It took a little maneuvering, but Jaiver and Carrillo found a way to enter you at the same time. Both of them lifted your hips slightly to expose your body more to them and in doing so gave them the perfect angle to fuck you.

One entered you right after the other, filling you to the brim. You gasped around Steve’s cock as you felt both your holes being filled simultaneously. Tears soaked the bandana as the other two cocks filled you, and you had no idea who took you where. Steve froze for a moment, lost in awe as he watched the other two fill you, and he pulled out of you for a moment to let the screams flow freely.

You gasped for a moment, and it took a second for you to realize that your mouth was free. But when the two cocks pushed deeper inside of you, you let out a loud scream that echoed in Carrillo’s office. Pain mixed with pleasure as you had never felt more filed, and you knew you were safe when you felt hands caressed and roamed all over your body, and you heard soft words of encouragement from all three of them, though you weren't sure which direction each voice came from.

“You’re doing so well, querida.”

“That’s it, just a little bit more.”

“Such a good girl. So fuckin’ pretty.”

Just when you thought you couldn’t feel any more full, Steve thrust his cock back into your mouth, pushing it deeper down your throat and almost making you gag. You felt like a ragdoll as the three of them all started to rock their cocks in and out of you, all at different rhythms and speeds. Never in your life had you felt so helpless, and never if your life had you been more turned on.

Moans and groans filled the room as Steve, Javier and Carrillo all fucked you at the same time. It almost turned into a competition on who could cum first, and who could fill you up the most. They all let out growls as they eyed each other before turning their attention back to you. Losing themselves in the moment, all three men fucked you harder and faster, all chasing their own climaxes.

And the way all three growled went a pulse of need through your entire body, making you clench around all of them.

Steve came first, letting out a loud groan that gave him away to you as he filled your mouth. “Fuck!” he grunted as he watched as you swallowed as much as you could. His hips stuttered as he grabbed your head and yanked you against his hips. You made an obscene noise around his cock as you gasped, but you couldn’t do anything to stop him. Not that you wanted to.

When he was spent, Steve pulled out of you, leaving a trail of spit and seed as the only thing to still connect you both. He watched as your mouth dropped open, taking in a deep breath of air, and his cum splattered all across your lips. You looked a mess, but fuck you looked gorgeous. Steve gently cradled your head, “Good job, sweetheart,” he whispered.

Carrillo watched with a grin, but when you clenched around him, he knew he wasn’t going to last long. He picked up his pace and he growled a mix of curses and praises. His hips slapped against your body as he lost control and after just a few more thrusts, he came hard deep inside you. You gasped as you felt him fill you up, and you moaned as a shiver ran up your spine.

Javier rocked into you even harder, determined to make you cum along with him. He felt your inner muscles clench around him, gripping his cock hard. He reached for your clit, rubbing it with just the right amount of pressure when he felt like he wasn’t going to last any longer.

It didn’t take long for Javier to get what he wanted, and you screamed as your third orgasm crashed into you. Javier kept up his pace as his own followed right behind, his groans drowned out by your cries of pleasure. He kept his pace up and long as he could until he buried his cock fully inside you with one final grunt.

All three men stayed still for a moment, catching their breaths. Carrillo and Javier stayed buried inside you, neither wanting to leave you just yet. But, Carrillo could tell you were getting sore at this angle, and he tapped Javier, indicating what you needed. Slowly, reluctantly, they both pulled out of you, causing you to gasp and whimper.

“It’s alright, querida,” Carrillo’s soothing voice comforted you.

“Are you alright?” Javier asked.

“Never fucking better,” you replied with a soft smirk once you caught your breath. You let out another sharp exhale when you felt hands all over your body once more.

“Ok, I’ll admit,” Steve interjected, “That was fucking hot… And just what I needed.”

Javier nodded in agreement as he eyes trailed up and down your figure, “You were amazing, cariño,” he purred.

“Good,” Carrillo’s tone dropped, “Because we aren’t finished here yet…”

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gomzdrawfr · 3 months ago

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want to join the fandom cause it seems fun seeing fanarts and you and others interacting but I don't know how...and with the whole ai thing im scared...

my advice: just do it

really! sometimes all you really need is a leap of faith, and that was exactly how I dropped into the cod fandom. When I joined the ghoap discord server I talked to one of the artist I really like and respected from my lurking time (hi @bressynonym) aaaand the rest is history

I didnt know how to draw properly, nor digitally, all I did was scribbling on OneNote (yeah!) and rambled about cod characters, it is daunting and it is scary to interact but after a while? you may just be able to find someone to brainrot together with

start small, like commenting, reblogging, talking, chatting- doesn't have to be towards artist/writers, it could be the art/fic enjoyers!

you need to put yourself out there if you want something

as to if you want to start in the fandom as a creator, here's some more tips (which are all based on my experience, I am no pro at doing this, hell Im still learning myself, and I am by no means speaking these on behalf on others!)

establish a goal: what are you making? fandom based? original creations?

as with starting new, everything may take a while for stuff to happen, you'll feel like you're speaking to the void at times (esp with original arts, but do know that your stuff do get perceive by others as time goes, I would advise to draw fandom stuff as a beginning to get that boost going if you want! or else it's going to be quite hard to get things rolling)

imo this is hardest part of any new creator, you'll have to bear with it and try not to give up (but I understand how incredibly demotivating it could get, there were times when I stopped posting about Raven entirely, but eventually I post it anyway cuz surely someone out there will like them, it just takes a lot of patiences and perseverance)

btw, engagement can also vary from time to time, you may be booming for a bit, then suddenly you dont, it is a cycle that will bound to happen

take rest regularly, and I mean a break from social media because numbers, discourse and everything can get to you, very quickly (I cannot emphasise this enough)

the numbers are not worth it over your mental health (comes with practice to really solidify this thought)

study the algorithm (pain): see what other creators are doing to get where they are, what tags are they using in their post? what features/niche do people like?(this is, if you really want to grab some form of engagement, bcuz reminder in the end you are creating art for yourself first!)

example: I think posts would get more reach if you tag it with the ship name first, followed by the characters' name (doesn't work all the time tho)

that's the thing about algorithm, it is ever-changing, and you'll have to learn to adapt with it when it does!

expanding on that, studying algorithm could be about ships (for example, ghostsoap is most popular in the fandom), or really good rendered art/flashed out fic that leaves your jaw on the floor, or ships that gets lesser attention in general which puts you, who make content about them, easier to be brought into the light (like Faralex)

bUT, it can also be personality!

(again, not saying this is meant for everyone and strictly from my own experience + what I observe) for me, I made up the lack of my art by establishing a personality: a wild panda who yaps about price and their oc and also kinda everywhere in the place (just like this post LOL), OR you're the person who named themselves after Soap's ash particle number OR you're the one who likes bottom Ghost- literally anything goes, you want to make an impression in different ways, some more funny/goofier than others but it works (be mindful and stay respectful tho, dont wanna be the asshole in the fandom now do ya?)

efforts ≠ engagement (not all the time, but most time) and this is a fact. Sometimes, you can't expect a piece you did for 10+ hours to get thousands views and likes, especially in a fandom space. You need to understand algorithm is that wonky. (very disheartening, but again, you make the art for you and the few others who genuinely likes them, and those people can go a long way) be mentally prepared for such events, and try not to beat yourself up too much for it

ultimately tho, do it, do it scared but do it anyways and again, draw the things that bring you joy, I hope these could be helpful in some ways!

#sorry this got longer the more i typed #i met bressy bcuz i love their oc stuff and we just kinda clicked after a while #and then? i met gog and tappy bcuz of our oc interest like holy shit...someone like MY OC??#it is all a process- the bad and good #but you'll never know these processes until you start making a step towards it #anyways sorry for the tag bressy LOL #gummmyspeaks #ask response #thanks for the ask <3 #i should be studying HAHSKJDH

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infamous-if · 2 years ago

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You don’t need to post this but just so you know, it really does sounding like almost no one in the story who have witness to or have heard the MC’s work think it is very interesting at all 🫣, and just occasionally a person will randomly appreciate for some reason, such as Orion. I think maybe a lot of readers might had anticipated a type of MC that has the experience of undeniably suited for this and so on, in the way you have sometimes describe some others in the story, such as S

Hi ! Sorry but I'm going to post this mostly (and apologies that your ask is the one who is gonna get this long response, my ire isn't towards you because you're being very kind about it but others have, honestly, not been) because other people probably have this thought as well but I'm sort of confused on where this whole idea of MC being useless/untalented/not suitable is coming from?

I've said before there will be people who question MC's talent, but that's just natural--not everyone is going to think someone is worthy of their fame and attention. People thinking that there are better singers out there doesn't invalidate what MC is capable of. If I wrote a story where every person thinks MC is the greatest thing since sliced bread then that wouldn't be an entertaining story lol You need tension, and you need naysayers so every win can feel satisfying. Plus, doubters is a natural and normal thing in the business. MC is literally in a competition where other very talented bands are competing. Even though they're the main character, they're the main character of their story. Not everyone elses. Other bands believe they are just as deserving--if not more--of winning than MC's band. It's natural. To those bands MC is just another person they need to beat to win.

Seven being more famous doesn't mean MC isn't talented (the band literally voted for MC's vocals over Seven's). G being more famous doesn't mean MC isn't talented. Hell, if MC's band lost BOTB and went home empty handed, that doesn't mean MC isn't talented. It's part of the competition. Amazing bands and amazing singers get rejected all the time. There isn't room for everybody.

I do want to mention that people probably feel this way because I can not give concrete answers about an MC that is largely customizable. In the game, your MC can lack confidence. Or they can be arrogant. They can believe their skills are lackluster, or they can believe they are the best singer alive. People expect me to answer questions that have varied answers depending on what MC each player is playing. I can't give you that! I do my best.

Orion listened to MC once and quit his job to manage them.

2. August auditioned to be their drummer, and while August is largely indifferent, they admit themselves they were interested and they tell MC how good MC's voice is.

3. Maya is quite literally following MC's band around the USA because she's that much of a fan.

4. Seven dislikes MC, but Seven is not a liar: they will always stand by their opinion that MC is talented. That's one of the biggest reasons why Seven liked MC so much: their artistry.

4. This is spoilery but fuck it: G listened to MC once and wanted MC's band in BOTB.

idk why people think that people listen to MC and get bored when I don't think I've ever indicated that? The demo isn't even out lshshdhsahs

anyway this isn't an attack on you anon but it is kind of frustrating that people think MC is just this untalented fluke that didn't work hard to get to where they are today. Just as much as MC is yours, they're also mine, and I wanted to make it clear that MC isn't lazy nor are they someone who just does nothing and doesn't try. At least that part isn't customizable: MC works and has worked really freaking hard to be where they are.

sorry for the long response and once again, this isn't an attack on you, but this has been a topic in my inbox and i just dont get it--the demo is literally not even out.

#inbox #mc #now im very wary of a HUGE plot point in this game #and i feel like it'll only validate people who think MC is useless #when theyre not lol

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eyfey · 6 months ago

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The final Origins OVA!

we are WAR!!!!

okay why in the world did they make a giant space axe??? like???

and just for the ONE guy too?????? did he request it????

yknow what i bet he's gonna do like a cool robot beheading or something with it later and that's the whole reason they put it in the show huh.

I forgot this is the first like- actual big battle where they're employing the mobile suits.

It's interesting to see the contrast between them and the like fighter jets, which is what they would've been effectively replacing.: A small quick maneuverable ship with guns, but this one can also just kick you

War (TM)

oh he really does look like a red comet out there huh

love when she dresses like an actual supervillain

LITERALLY ON THE RED CARPET

WILD

i like how Char was surrounded by fangirls who all backed off the SECOND Garma showed up

also they sure do love lingering scenes of these two staring into eachother's eyes- wonder what that could mean :3c

wait why are we reviewing art now. Whoms't is this man.

okay hold on now there is NO reason to make a paper shredder be a guy

hello?????????? literally just walking into an enemy ship like???????? what is the plan here??????????? worst strategist ever?????? the second you got on board your gunship can no longer threaten to destroy them because they have a hostage now??????? like your enemy is free to just grab you and fire on your ship at will????????????????????????????

oh right nvm i forgot this is Char he's got plot armor

y'know Kai feels like a completely different character in Origin. In the original series he was kind of a little shit but not a BULLY- self centered if anything, but otherwise morally neutral. In Origin though he's like proactively being malicious?

sir.... you can't just walk up to the military and ask them about military secrets....

WHY EVERYONE MEAN TO HARO

STOP IT!!!!! STOP KICKING HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

literally a MIRACLE they did not throw you in prison

:^(

lol they fukin robbed u dude

fucked up your whole house

I think I missed out on the plot points where this political twist was explained/set up - I do not rember who this man is, nor do I fully understand why he is saying these things or the full Implications

Like uh, my (probably incorrect) understanding is: he's an important general(?) from the non-zeon army, but was held hostage by zeon, and then freed as part of Kcyllia's(?) plan(?) I totally missed what her plan was tho: is it just to keep the war going????? I'm p sure mr oldie wasn't briefed and is just a pawn in their weird 5 dimensional chess game the Zabi family is playing .

(this is what happens when you do your neopets dailies instead of paying attention when characters start to ramble)

this is like the 3rd time a character has said "humans looooove war" this episode.

ITS WEIRD TO SEE THESE FUCKERS ACTUALLY SHAPED LIKE PEOPLE INSTEAD OF WEIRD EGG BEINGS

weird 2 me how he can close he eyes without closing he eyes

and I guess it ends on "btw we will NOT stop a war!!"

oh wait no we also get a post-credit peek of the boat!!

actually it is ending i think...

(they never did anything with that giant space axe from the beginning for the ep...........)

Final thoughts on Gundam: The Origin

I think I went into Origin without any real expectations. I maybe thought it would be entirely Char focused? but in the latter half it shifted to a more general "what's goin on with this war" type vibe. I guess it accomplishes what it sets out to do: give us more backstory on how the war from 0079, fleshing out the the politics around it and the characters who partake. There were some wild things happening but mostly it was a lotttt of people talking about War. Felt kind of like a lorebook rather than an actual story, especially for the latter half, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Up Next!* MS Team, Thunderbolt, and War in the Pocket (side stories that took place during the events of 0079) Looks like Thunderbolt is a movie but the other two are series so this is going to be infinitely easier to schedule time to sit down and watch.

*I'm following a watch order rec from reddit, which seems to be more or less chronological order

#eyfeys gundam journey #Origin done!#v excited to go see some 90s gundam next #Gundam with 2015 animation was somehow unsettling

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misc-obeyme · 9 months ago

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CC, I desperately need to know. When commenting on or reblogging your fics, are suoer simple feedback comments still really nice to get? Like "This was beautiful" or something?

I'm struggling with feeling guilty because I am having a hard time getting energy to give longer comments and stuff. I usually write a few things about the story or related to the story but right now even just writing "I really like this!" has been taking a lot of energy.

Also, do you have an Solomon🤍 anon? If not...

~ Solomon🤍

Hey there anon! I don't have a Solomon🤍 anon, so I will be sure to add that to the anon list!

Now, as it happens, I have thoughts about this specific thing. I can't speak for all writers/artists, but I think my sentiments are somewhat universal since we're all creating and sharing on the same platform. I've also been on Tumblr since the very beginning, so that might have an impact on my personal perspective.

To begin, let me give you the short and easy answer: It is always nice to get any kind of feedback, even short and sweet comments like the ones you've given as examples. Please don't feel guilty about not leaving massively long, in depth commentary on things. Most people understand that not everybody has the spoons for that kind of thing all the time. It's honestly just nice to know that someone liked it at all.

That being said, I feel the need to give you a little bit more nuance about this particular issue, as someone who gets a lot of notifs nowadays.

Quite honestly, the fact that you reblogged it at all is really nice, even if all you do is tag it as "obey me" or something along those lines.

I get hundreds of notifications every day. And most of those are likes. I would say perhaps like 90%? It's a lot. And when one post is getting a lot of attention, my notifs just group them together. So it'll be like "username, username, and 12 other people" and then it'll indicate the post and that it was liked by all those people.

That means that if you reblog it, even without tags, it pops up as a separate notification. And to me, that's always nice to see. I'm always like OH! That person liked it enough to reblog! Thank you, friend!

I'm not kidding, that's my internal monologue lol.

I know there's a lot of discourse about reblogging vs liking, but I'm not really talking about any of that (I'm willing to share my thoughts if people ask though). I'm just telling you what it's like from my perspective.

Things that always catch my attention are reblogs with or without tags, a direct comment on a post, and asks.

Specifically about reblogs, there are different things that are more noticeable.

Like, yes, I'm going to notice if someone leaves a lot of tags gushing about how much they liked the story. I have screenshotted tags and comments that have made me happy just so I can go back and read them.

I often reread the reblogged tags on posts. It's writer-fuel.

And when I'm looking at the reblogs of a post all at once, I'm scrolling through and seeing one that's really in depth and one that's just "AAAAHHH" and i love them both equally.

Is it always going to be more meaningful and impactful if someone reblogs with a dissertation in the tags or even a whole analysis added to the post? Of course. But that is a rare occurrence and not something I ever expect to see. Nor would I personally want someone to force themselves to give more feedback than they can manage.

I just like to know that reading it meant something to you. Likes tell me you liked it, tagless reblogs let me know that you liked it enough to share it, but they don't really tell me much beyond that. A reblog that says "I really loved this!" lets me know that this piece of writing touched you enough for you to actually write a little response to me. You might even say something like, "I love *character*" or perhaps "that last line oof" or even just "a;lksdfkljasdfklj" - all of that conveys so much more to me than a like or tagless reblog. It doesn't have to be a lot. And when like five people do this on one post, it really adds up, too, you know? So I'm like Oh, the people like this one!! LOL!

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, the more interaction you can give is always appreciated, but nobody wants you to force yourself to have elaborate comments. Just a reblog is also appreciated.

That being said, if you want to get elaborate in the tags PLEASE DO. You don't need to push yourself, but you don't need to hold back, either!

I appreciate every bit of interaction I receive, of course. And I'm thankful for everyone that has followed me and enjoyed my writing!

I hope that answered the question, I'm sorry for rambling a bit lol. I just figured I could take the opportunity to talk a little bit about what it's like from my side of things! Thank you for asking, honestly, I appreciate that you're worried about making fic writers feel the love on their works! But you don't need to feel guilty, you're already doing more than most by reblogging and leaving any tags at all. 💕💕

#oof I really wrote a whole essay about this huh #sorry anon I guess I got a little carried away lol #Solomon🤍 anon #misc answers

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zersk · 1 year ago

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I’m sure you’ve gotten enough questions about the vaspider post but I have to ask cause I genuinely don’t get it… what was racist about saying that Palestinians don’t like Hamas? I mean I get it’s probably wrong, but I don’t understand how it’s racist.

I’m taking a stab here but does it seem to suggest Palestinians care more about Hamas than Israel? But can’t they dislike both?

I'm going to respond assuming this is in good faith, but first of all it's important to note that I didn't say racist specifically, rather that it's anti-Palestinian rhetoric. That feels like a very abstract distinction but it feels important to note as it's a bad idea to think in terms of American racial structures here (which the term racism I think, unfortunately, tends to bring up in people's minds lol).

It's anti-Palestinian for a few reasons, and whether or not Palestinians ACTUALLY support Hamas is only a part of that. I said that it's rhetoric the IDF is using to justify the war they're waging on the Palestinian people. Which is true! These past three months have made it incredibly clear to anyone paying attention that Israel has very little hope of actually destroying Hamas whatsoever, rather they're more focused on slaughtering civilians. In claiming that "Palestinians don't actually like Hamas", whether or not that's TRUE, the actual point of claiming such is to justify the war. It's to go "ah see, Palestinians are actually held hostage by Hamas, and by eradicating the militant organization we are actually saving them." And then they get financial support to go in and continue doing the horrible atrocities they wanted to do.

This should sound insane to anyone with half a brain, but it is the framing that the United States seems to be using to support Israel's actions. Biden, Blinken, whoever else keeps claiming that they want Israel to protect civilians more, and to work towards giving the Palestinian Authority control in the region, under the pretense that that's what's best for people in Gaza.

Israel doesn't care! Nobody in the war cabinet, nobody in the military, and large portions of civil society want the Palestinians dead. Some of them want to forcibly resettle Gaza after killing and shoving out the remaining Gazans. The pretense that Palestinians don't like Hamas themself is just a useful tool to this end. It's an argument that doesn't actually give a shit about Palestinians.

Now I should point out of course, that there was a video attached (I didn't screencap it because. One why would I screencap a video lmao. Two I didn't expect anyone to reblog the original post, like I'm kind of a nobody in tumblr terms lol), but with very little context for WHEN the video was filmed, WHERE it was filmed, and even if the language being used in the video WAS accurately translated. Other people on the post have done a more thorough deep dive than I'm willing to do here, but I should point out that even if it is real, and there's no trickery going on in the information… In the past three months it's definitely not the case anymore. In the time since, support for Hamas and the Al-Qassam Brigades has risen sharply, and the vast majority of Palestinians in both Gaza and the West Bank(!) have supported Hamas's role in this fight. Clearly they have the people behind them.

That isn't to say that any criticism of them within Palestine is illegitimate or a false flag operation of course, but like I said, it's definitely to the benefit of the western and Israeli media to portray this criticism as "Hamas needs to be dismantled, please Israelis come save us". This is an unnuanced view of things, and criticism of Hamas could range from being unhappy with their interaction with civil society, other glaring issues, or even that they're not fighting Israel enough. None of this would justify the Israeli response, nor is it meant to. The fact that other militant groups in Gaza are in support of Hamas in this war (including groups such as the PFLP) however, should be telling to you.

While I'm not saying Hamas is perfect, the framing that "Palestinians can dislike both, can't they?" is utterly removed from the reality on the ground in Gaza, where the Palestinian Resistance is proving itself the only people actually fighting to protect Gaza from utter destruction. Not the US, not the European powers, certainly not Israel, and not any of the surrounding Arab states. The fact that Hezbollah, the Houthis, and recently the Islamic Resistance in Iraq are the only groups actually in any way fighting alongside Palestine should be, if anything, evidence of how deeply ashamed everyone else should be for their inaction.

(I'd also suggest actually looking into the history of Hamas in Gaza, and why they may have been able to keep the public's support for this long. Sources that don't treat the Palestinians as hapless bystanders completely powerless in their own fate, or that the entire organization was secretly an Israeli plant and nothing more, which is the common liberal zionist intonation I've seen).

Point is, it's anti-Palestinian rhetoric because it denies any actual agency to Palestinians, or acknowledges what Palestinians are saying, and it's anti-Palestinian rhetoric because the REASON PEOPLE ARE SAYING IT, rather than the actual nature of the content, is to convince everyone else that this invasion is necessary. I feel like people struggle to understand that information, even when true, often has a motive as to why its being shared. And that motivation can be pretty insidious when scrutinized.

(I'm not citing any sources to this answer, treat this as a learning exercise and go read what actual Palestinians have been saying, try to backtrack the information I've claimed, and scrutinize everything I've said on your own terms. Consider who's posting the information, and where, and think about what they might have to gain from sharing it. Everyone has ulterior motives, but ulterior motives aren't innately bad, especially when it's from someone being eradicated by an occupying force. Also, learning to parse information like this is healthier for you than if I tagged links to websites you weren't ever going to read lmao)

(Seriously though Palestinians have been posting and sharing and writing and recording things non-stop for the last three months please just. Go see what they've been saying, it matters more than I do, and it definitely matters more than what scumbag liberal zionists like vaspider or hindahoney do.)

#palestine #zionism #israel

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mageofseven · 2 years ago

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Barbatos x Mammon Relationship Headcannons

This ship is new to me, but definitely has my attention.

Therefore, I want to explore it more by describing how I see them together.

I will form this more or less like my Poly! series posts, but obviously this will just be for these two and no third partner lol

So yeah! Please enjoy~

•▪︎▪︎◇°●♡●°◇▪︎▪︎•

How They Got Together:

In truth, this was an incredibly slow process, so much so that it makes DiaLuci look like a shotgun wedding.

Over the years, the men just grew an admiration for each other.

Barbatos admired Mammon for his effort into things. The second brother may pretend that most things are a hassle and not worth his time, but in truth gives his best attempt at most things he does.

The butler also admired the young demon for how he looked out for his brothers. Not that any of them notice or give him any credit for such nor did Mammon make any true attempts at getting them to do so.

This wasn't so different to how Barb was; this demon was constantly using his skills to help those around him, mainly Lord Diavolo but he has come to the brothers' rescue quite a few times as well.

This man isn't always thanked and certainly is never reward for his efforts, not even after solving the most dire of situations, but he never looks for such anyway; the problem is fixed and the people involved are okay. This is enough for him.

Mammon admired Barbatos for his skills and how effortless he made it all look. In this man's eyes, Barb never struggled, never stressed out, and was always praised by others.

The greed demon wished he could just be a fraction of the person the older demon was; then maybe his own life would be easier.

Neither man is really sure when that admiration turned into full blown love

Though Barbatos recognized it in himself before Mammon did, by like 200 years.

The butler accepted his feelings for what they were...but chose not to do anything about them.

In truth, the professional man felt is was almost inappropriate to have feelings for the second brother, a man technically a part of the governing body of the Devildom that his lord set up

But also...after all of these years, Barbatos has grown to see Lucifer as a friend. The Avatar of Pride was a good, respectable man so the idea of dating one of the younger brothers the oldest cherished so much felt... disrespectful.

Basically, the butler's mindset was that he couldn't change how he felt about the Avatar of Greed, but he could control his actions here on out.

Mammon took a long ass time on figuring out that he was in love with the butler.

This dumbass literally had daydreams of kissing the older demon just to stop and be like....wait.

Am I....?

Naaaah. 🤦‍♀️💕

When he did let it hit him how strong his feelings got for the butler, the younger man grew so fidgety and couldn't even look Barb in the eyes.

All his brothers knew something was up, but the second brother having feelings for Barbatos was the last thing on their minds.

Barb also noticed this change in him though and became curious about it.

Honestly, Barbatos' mind was on the second brother more than ever because of this.

Then it all made a turn one day in a way neither man ever expected.

Diavolo was over at HoL to work on somethings with Lucifer in his office; it was mostly just for a change of pace and very spur of the moment, but Lucifer handled it in stride like always.

So of course, this meant that Barb was here as well.

The butler had left the two other gentleman in order to make them some tea in HoL's kitchen.

That was when he heard it; sobs from up the stairs next to him.

The butler decide to take a bit of a detour and silently ascended the steps

Just to find Mammon at the top, back to the wall that the hallway shared with his room.

The younger man was just so close; he didn't want to bawl his eyes out in the hallway where his brothers could catch him, but he was so upset that his legs gave out on him and so there he was.

The butler froze at the sight, Mammon heavily sobbing with his knees to his chest and fists rotating from pulling his hair to hitting his head as he mumbled 'stupid' over and over again.

Barbatos couldn't walk away; in his mind, it wasn't even an option.

He continued to ascend the stairs, startling the greed demon; he thought it was one of his brothers coming to make fun of him for crying like a little bitch or something

But when his tearful blue eyes locked on to Barb's concerned green orbs, the man was paralyzed where he sat.

The older demon knelt down in front of Mammon, gently smoothing down his hair as he kept eye contact.

"You are not 'stupid' by any means." Barb told him, now using his gloved hand to brush the tears from the greed demon's face. "You are a man with your own issues, same as everyone else, but your intelligence is simply not one of them...no matter what they say."

And just like that, something changed in both men.

That moment of comfort, of giving and getting affection, it was like each man just got the tiniest little taste of what could be for them

And both found it difficult to stay apart any longer.

What they felt for each other was strong and confusing; it simply overwhelmed them both.

This is why they decided not to tell others about their relationship yet; both wanted to understand their feelings, but also wanted to see if their relationship could ever last.

Dynamics:

The secrecy never really died down for the couple.

Even when they grow to understand their emotions on a deeper level and see that they're both in this relationship for the long haul, their relationship stays a secret.

Mammon has a lot of insecurities and fears, mainly about what his younger brothers will say when they find out

And Barb himself was a pretty private person so he had no qualms with keeping things quiet for Mammon's sake.

The two are really different, not just with their personalities, but even in the the ways they express love and feel the most loved.

Mammon is big on physical touch. Any private moment he can get with his boyfriend, he needs the man to give him physical affection and words of affirmation.

Barbatos, very unsurprisingly, is an acts of service sort of guy and sadly (for him bc of his 24/7 job) quality time is very important.

The two grow to understand each other well though and always know what the other needs.

Mammon can be a little slow at times, but this is something Barb has actually grown to be amused with; how long till his boyfriend will get the hint?

Still, some parts can be difficult; Mammon is clingy while Barbatos is independent. Sometimes the younger demon can get bad thoughts in his head that the cool and composed butler doesn't really care about him as much he thought.

Barbatos will always chase away those bad thoughts though; he may not feel the need to be glued to his boyfriend all day, but he still loves the other man deeply and enjoys his company.

The two spend most of their time together on Sunday since it's Barb's only day off (a day off that Diavolo had to force on him hundreds of years ago lol).

Though some days it feels less like a day off and more like an 'on call' day, meaning some shit may go wrong at the castle and the butler may have to cancel their plans in order to fix whatever issues have occurred.

With Barb's job and the secrecy of their relationship, things can be difficult for the couple

But they love each other so strongly that they'd both rather have this than not be together at all.

Overall, Barbatos is a big comfort to Mammon and slowly teaches him to love himself despite his brothers' mean words

And Mammon provides some color to the monotony of Barb's life, something the butler tries to pretend he's comfortable with, but in truth makes life feel quite stale to him.

#obey me #obey me otome #obey me mammon #obey me barbatos #obey me barbatos x mammon

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captainjimothy · 6 months ago

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it is also sexual, but that's beside the point. it's aromantic and it's familial. i can't tell if the screenshot is unforgivably grainy or if i'm just suffering from not wearing my glasses disease. anyway i think the best (most painful) kira reading is one in which nothing about canon changes, the transness and aromanticism come out post-canon and ripple backwards.

kira realizing that the problem with dating shakaar is that it changed their relationship from war comrades to girlfriend/boyfriend with all the gender and romantic baggage, and that's not what kira wanted at all. kira wanted to consummate their warrior's bond.

kira realizing that it did work with bareil because he didn't give a flying fuck about gender roles. because they both wanted the same thing from each other, a chance to forget their duties and have fun.

kira realizing that this ^ is exactly what jadzia wanted from him, and kira was too caught up in his own self-expectations to give it. because being with a woman would bring too much attention to the fact that kira was also a woman. because being with a woman wasn't NormalTM and kira wanted so, so badly to WIN at being Normal.

kira realizing that odo had come the closest to really, truly seeing him and loving him for exactly the person he was, and yet it still felt smothering because kira didn't know who he was enough to accept it. because odo would have changed himself for kira's every whim, and that was too much power. because odo loved so, so much, and kira could never love him enough in return.

kira realizing that actually, he preferred the bond he had shared with the o'briens, because he had no reason to fear that it would ever be romantic. because he could be deeply cared for and wanted, secure and stable and free, without being part of a romantic couple. and sure, it had been complicated at the time by the pregnancy and the dysphoria, but looking at it now, it seems to hold all the potential and none of the fear.

tbc im not trying to be like "this is the One True family for kira" i think kira/bareil was very good and he could totally find someone new to do something similar with. it's not hard to find a gay fwb in space (not in my writing, anyway), nor even a gay qpr polycule. (i also think kira/odo could 100% work as endgame if both of them had at least 10 years to figure out who they are as people lol. both of them suffer from "i have no idea who i am, i just know i love you" which is a really difficult place to be in.)

however, i think kira at this point in time is experiencing the "i just came out and i'm so alone, i crave some positive continuity in order to stabilize my sense of self," in addition to the post-war craving for safe personal community that has no danger of Leaving, in addition to the "i'm entering the long middle age of my life, i would like to have something i can be confident and stable in" and that's a hell of a cocktail lmao

so he reestablishes contact with the o'briens. idk where they all go from there, but that's what he wants right now.

#deeply self indulgent aromantic transmasc kira nerys

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escape-rock-bottom · 2 years ago

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Journal #19 - Dissecting Bad Habits, Addictions, and Negative Thoughts

In my last post about my disconnecting from technology for a day challenge (insert link to that post here), I mentioned near the end that if you find disconnecting more distressing than the already distressing feeling of always being online, you should analyze why. As a dude who literally spends an average of 5 hours per day and finds it frustrating to not have the ability to get online in some fashion, I figured I should be asking myself this question.

Doing the discomfort challenge, I realized quickly that not being able to get on my computer or phone was frustrating. However, I wondered just WHY I was so bothered about not having my computer. It wasn’t like I was missing out on anything important, had anything specific to do, or lacked activities to engage in outside of my computer. Honestly, it was like an addiction in some form.

I started by asking myself a few questions:

Why does it bother me that I don’t have access to my computer?

What do I feel I am missing and why?

What feelings do I have in regards to disconnecting?

Where did the habit come from?

Is there anything that could have caused my urges/habits before it became a problem?

What does technology mean to me and what positive/negative feelings do I have surrounding it?

Is my attachment more negative or positive? Is it more harmful to me or more good?

While these questions are aimed to diagnose my specific problems, they could be of use to you as well. I’d say give it a shot and have an introspection session and really think about the whys and whats and whens of the problem.

To summarize, most of my problems that led to the bad habits/addiction come down to a few things:

A traumatic childhood that caused me to dissociate in a variety of ways, one of which being filling my time with browsing the internet

A lack of a decent social life and autonomy which led to me having too much free time at home

A neurological factor. My neurology causes me to have a strong need for stimulus, have an issue with distraction, memory, and hyper-focusing, and a high curiosity drive (I need to know everything!)

Growing up with technology. It’s been a part of my life from as far as I could remember to the point it's weird not to have and use it.

Peer pressure. Back in my earlier days, you were ridiculed for not having a phone, computer, or accounts on the big social media sites. This caused me to have a need to do just that so I can fit in (Yeah, in the past I was the “weird kid” and people loved to ignore and make fun of those guys. Kids are cruel sometimes lol)

A general interest in technology and the fact that a lot of the things I do now are in the digital world.

My feelings and thoughts in regards to technology are mostly positive, I actually think it’s a wonderful and super cool thing that I am glad I have the privilege to access, but some of the negative thoughts and feelings are:

Social media and online politics seems to bring the evil out of people. People are just too offended and aggressive over their beliefs and opinions and differing ones.

People misuse the privilege of anonymity online to hurt others far too often.

There’s too many distractions. It’s no longer fun because EVERYONE wants your attention and it gets overwhelming.

It’s a waste of time most of the time. I don’t need to know about a car crash on the highway in Texas or what someone thinks about the new building they constructed downtown. Again, too much info, and not really worth it. Frankly, I can’t care that much about everyone’s life (nor do I expect others to do the same for me). I care about giving and getting value, not grabbing attention with a pointless piece of content.

A conflicting combination of too private and not private enough. It feels like I’m infringing someone’s privacy by reading and judging and remarking on the content and thoughts I put out, but they chose to put it there for that reason. Conversely, you never know if the guy you’ve been messaging on Discord really is a 23 year old man named Kevin Evinson or if it's some 14 year old kid making up a fake internet persona.

It’s annoying how much we rely on it. We lose connection by getting too much opportunity to connection (This is a conflicting thought with my “It’s so cool how much we can do on the internet, I think it’s awesome I can talk to someone on the other side of the country)

It’s interesting to see what things come up if you just give yourself time to think far deeper with no judgment for what comes up. Most of our problems are really just too complex to solve with a simple question (”Why am I like this?” For example) because we humans are more layered than we give ourselves credit for. Even just simply stating my problem with technology as a problem isn’t enough to solve it. We need to understand why it’s a problem and formulate a unique approach to solve each factor into the why.

What I want you to take away from this rambling about my inner workings (and I can’t stress this enough) is this: Give yourself time to think about yourself with no judgment and thorough analysis. Introspection is one of the true powers to self-improvement. You have to know who and why you are before you know the real hows and whys of what you want.

It’s superficial to just want to stop a bad habit because you and other people think it sucks. The real depth comes with where the habit came from and your feelings regarding it, and your true reasons for your frustration with it. Don’t be superficial with your goals if you want to change your life, or you will only make superficial changes. I realize that’s where I went wrong and got stuck in a loop.

On a final note, this practice can be modified to nearly every problem. While it’s good for general bad habits and emotions and negative thoughts, don’t do this for trauma, serious mental illness, or other people. It’s best to dive into this with a therapist who can help you regulate your emotions and symptoms (they will inevitably come up as you poke the trauma bear), and it’s just plain rude to assume and dissect someone’s life for them unless they ask for it lol.

#drvn30 #bad habits #addiction #negative thoughts #self help

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theje0ngs · 3 years ago

Text

JJH | Speak Now

DON’T SAY YES, RUN AWAY NOW.

PAIRING/CHARACTERS • jaehyun x fem!reader

GENRE • light angst, romance, runaway groom!au

WORD COUNT • 2k

WARNINGS • profanities, y/n crashing jaehyun’s wedding lol, eloping

GELA SAYS • one of the works that was supposed to be a chaptered scenario, but i’m too lazy to do that and opted with just one shot ahahaha not proofread! so there’s probably a lot of grammar mistakes & typos also i’m posting this because i havent finished forget me not yet lol i’ll just link the music once taylor releases the speak now (taylor’s version) hsdhafha

HAPPY READING!

You were a fan of Taylor Swift.

Every music, every album, every merch, you have collected since you were a kid. Every concert, every awards show that allows audiences, you have attended them. Whenever your friends hear the artist’s name, their attention draws to you immediately.

And that being said, you weren’t expecting your friends to plot a plan based on one of Taylor Swift’s songs.

“We’re not crashing Jaehyun’s wedding nor am I running away with him, just because you heard and understood the story behind Speak Now, Mia.” You say, plopping yourself next to her with a bowl of popcorn. “I’m not the type of girl who’s going to barge in on a wedding. And what’s the point if I crash his wedding anyway.”

Your friends, including Jaehyun’s friends, have invited themselves over to your place to plot a plan to stop Jaehyun from marrying his bride tomorrow. You knew eventually that Jaehyun will marry another woman, not because he did not love you or you two had a bad breakup, but you knew it the moment Jaehyun’s mother asked you to meet her and personally informed you how much she repudiates your relationship.

It is against Jaehyun’s will to be in an arranged marriage, but what else could he do? Since he was a kid, probably even before his father’s sperm fertilized his mother’s egg, the couple has planned every single year of their son’s life. Controlling parents, they say. After you found out that Jaehyun was set to marry another woman, you gathered strength and courage to face your boyfriend— now ex, and ended the 7-year relationship you two shared. Jaehyun’s breakup with you became his mother’s joy.

It only took them five months to prepare for the wedding and the reception. That’s five months of you crying and trying to move on. They made sure everything was perfect. That’s the reason why you didn’t like your friends’ plan at all. Hundreds of thousand dollars spent on this wedding, and you’ll ruin it? Just because your friends said so? Are they even sure that Jaehyun still had feelings for you? And if you did successfully stop the wedding, will Jaehyun even run away with you?

“Why don’t you just meet Jaehyun tonight, huh? He told me he’s been visiting you here, but you wouldn’t answer the door.” asked Mark.

“Because he’s about to get married, hello? And maybe he’s coming here to personally give me a wedding invitation, hell, I don’t think I’m even on the guest list. So what’s the point?”

“Sometimes I question how come you graduated with Latin honors… open your fucking eyes, Y/N! He’s trying to visit you here to tell you how much he still loves you!” Your best friend groans, “Do you really think that Jaehyun would replace you that fast? You’ve been together since we were in college, and that was years ago, for Pete’s sake! He wouldn’t forget about you that easily.”

You sigh, pinching the skin between your brows. “Okay, fine! You made your point and I hate you all for making me realize that.” You say, looking at the faces of your friends who are now smiling smugly. “How the hell are you people going to sneak me into the wedding?”

This is wrong, this is so fucking wrong. You thought. Last night, when you asked your friends how you were going to sneak into the event, it was immediately solved by Joy— the event organizer and one of your friends. She suggested that you act like one of her staff, which Johnny, Mark, Jungwoo and Mia agreed to. You tried to explain why a part of you thought that the plan would fail because knowing Jaehyun’s mother, she would be hands on her son’s special day and would monitor the staff before the event starts.

“Just stay inside that little room, that’s meant for the staff anyway. I’ll pick you up there while the wedding starts so it’s not obvious that you’re there. There’s a dress there and you can change to that one so you could blend in with the crowd.” Joy said, walking with you towards the food that had a staff only sign. It was next to the room where the bride was, so you had a glimpse of her when someone exited the room. She was already wearing her wedding gown, and it made you wonder how many petticoats she was wearing for it to look like a puff pastry. It was so obvious that she was stressed that you could hear her shout at one of her bridesmaids. You remember how Joy described her and her attitude after working with the bride for a few months.

Meanwhile, Johnny and Mark, the best men, are trying their best not to be so obvious that they were nervous about the plan. They simply said that they were happy for Jaehyun when the groom asked why the two were whispering in the corner of the room. It was not new to the groom as he was used to the duo laughing and sharing each other some secrets or whatever it is they’re talking about.

“Mr. Jeong, we’ll start in ten minutes. Mr. Lee and Mr. Suh, you may now come with me.” Joy’s other staff said to the two.

Johnny stands up from the ottoman, followed by Mark and the two men straighten their tuxedos as they smile at the groom. Jaehyun chuckles, seeing his two best friends smile at him so proud. The older man put his hand on Jaehyun’s shoulder, leaning and whispered to his ear: “Congratulations bro, I know it would be hypocritical of me to say that I’m happy for you knowing that you’re not, but… whatever happens, don’t say yes.”

The duo walked out of the room, leaving the confused groom behind. What was that supposed to mean? Jaehyun shook his head and took one last glance in the mirror before emitting a nervous sigh. If ever this marriage goes south, there’s always divorce. He thought, walking towards the door and exited.

When he arrived outside of the hall, it was Joy and Mia’s cue to get you out of the staff room. You hesitated, not wanting to continue with the plan, but your friends’ incessant pleas is what made you give in. Jaehyun saw how much effort his mother put into this wedding, everything inside the event hall screams luxury. When he got to the end of the aisle, everyone stood up for the bride. It was now Jungwoo’s cue to exit the premises, get the car and wait outside of the venue. Even though your friends only planned this last night, you were amazed at the effort they were making. After Joy and Mia hid you behind the curtains for a few minutes, they leave you alone in one of the available chairs on the last row, next to someone you don’t know but you assume is one of the bride’s relatives.

The tune that the piano makes usually puts a smile on your face and calms you down, but hearing it now makes you a nervous-wreck and sweat was forming on your palm. You knew that your cue to stand up and stop the wedding is a few minutes from now, yet the thought builds up some weird anxious feeling inside your stomach. The bride was now walking down the aisle, you tried your best not to let Jaehyun’s mother see you and that is why you only sat while everybody stood up to give her respect.

Once she was finally in front of the officiant and next to Jaehyun, you readied yourself for the scene you were about to do. It’s now or never. You kept on repeating that until the words you’ve been waiting to hear echoed inside the hall: “Before we proceed to the vows, I’m giving this chance for the people to show us why this couple should not be lawfully wedded. Speak now, or forever hold your peace.”

There was a brief silence, you could see Johnny and Mark scan the hall and it looked like they were looking for you and when your eyes met Johnny’s, you stood up. You could feel every eye of the guests glue on you, you were shaking when Jaehyun met your eyes. You walked towards the aisle, standing in the middle before saying:

“I was raised better than this, but damn it, Jeong Jaehyun! You’re not the type of guy who’s marrying this girl! She’s not for you—”

“What do you think you’re doing?!” Mrs. Jeong said, standing up from her seat.

“Don’t wait, or say a single vow, Jaehyun…” You persuade, a splash of relief ran through your body when you saw him step down the small platform and started to walk towards you.

Johnny suddenly told Jaehyun, loud enough for everyone in the venue to hear: “Run away now! Go ahead!” When Mrs. Jeong attempted to stop her son from leaving, Mark and Johnny were quick enough to move and cage her in their arms. “RUN FASTER, YOU IDIOT! WE GOT THIS!”

Jaehyun looks back at his friends, then to the guests who were clearly shocked by the sudden commotion. When he realized that his mother was being kept down by his best friends, and the bride’s mother stood up, he ran to you and grabbed your hand. Using his body to open the doors, at first he was trying to think where the two of you should go because he could hear the venue hall doors open again. You hold his hand tight and said, “Jungwoo’s outside with the getaway car, let’s go.”

Jungwoo had a proud smile on his face, knowing that the plan they laid out was a success. He wished you two good luck and watched as you drove away, just in time for the families who tried to stop the groom from running away to arrive. Jungwoo only gave them a chuckle and went back inside the building.

“That was exhilarating!” You burst, stopping at a red light. “W-wait, was it right? Do you really want to run away with me?”

Jaehyun chuckles, “Of course, I do. I wouldn’t want to marry that girl anyway, she’s not the one I love.”

“So our friends were saying the truth that you still love me,”

“No one could ever replace you, baby.”

Three days ago, you crashed Jaehyun’s wedding.

And now you’re in a taxi, in a different country and on your way to the Airbnb that he booked during the flight, where you two plan to stay and hide for a few weeks until the situation back home subsides. According to Johnny, the assigned correspondent, Jaehyun’s mother kept on yelling at him after he and Mark stopped her and even called his best friends a bad influence for tolerating the groom. When Jaehyun was sure that his mother was not at his apartment, he went back home and packed a bag because the original plan was, he was staying at your place for a few weeks but something tells him that he shouldn’t. So once he got back to your apartment, he asked you to come with him to the airport.

He didn’t exactly tell you where you were going until he handed you the plane ticket, which you may have slapped his chest so hard when you saw where you two were headed. The place you two planned to go to on your 10th anniversary— Milan, Italy. Once you arrived at the lodging, after a long flight, you two fell asleep in each other’s arms. The two of you slept for so long that the sun already rose when you woke up. A new day in a new environment, in a place you’ll call home for a few weeks (possibly months).

“I love you so fucking much, Y/N.” He whispers on your skin, “I’m so glad I didn’t say my vows, I’m so glad you were around when they said speak now.”

You giggle, “That sounds like the lyrics of Speak Now by Taylor!”

“Well, Taylor is right. You’re not the kind of girl who rudely barged in a wedding, and I’m not the kind of boy who should be marrying the wrong girl.” He smiled, “because you’re the right girl for me.”

“Cheesy.” You laugh, “Can’t believe I experienced one of Taylor’s songs in real life…”

DO NOT REPOST OR TRANSLATE.

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leviiattacks · 4 years ago

Note

May I request a Levi x Reader angst fic? Just barely any fluff, mostly angst going on lol. The reader is a traitor, formaly working for Marley, but betraying them in secret and putting their loyalty on Paradis. The reader is also a shifter and married to Levi for a couple of years. That love and care however is gone once readers identity is found. He truly despises them, insults them, maybe a bit violent with them, and outright tells them that they mean nothing to him anymore and hate them to bits. Readers punishment is to hand over her titan to Erwin, and they agree instantly, broken over everything, believing its all their fault. Once Erwin inherits Readers titan, he breaks down and screams, crying, because Reader was innocent the whole time. They never betrayed Paradis. Never killed anyone, never harmed anyone. They finaly know why they betrayed Marley, the abuse being to much for them, enough to just leave them behind for Paradis. Just... loving and caring as they all saw them. But now the damage is done. They wont come back, they're dead, believing that they died, hated and despised, with no one to mourn their death. Everyone regrets everything.

author note :: i was thinking of leaving this in my drafts but i already wrote it and may as well post it. it didn’t end up going the way i hoped but yeah i hope it’s ok anon. anyways ANGST. ANGST, ANGST. as always i love feed back :-) ⟹ all of the headings with the years are just meant to mean it’s a different moment from that year so those moments don’t happen right after each other i hope that makes sense!! word count :: 7.2k warnings :: canon typical violence, death

845, i.

Everything is falling in place when it shouldn't.

Sun never makes itself known in Liberio yet here it is shining down onto the bustling streets. You half expect for it to crash down and burn into the hundreds of civilians going about their daily business yet nothing of the sort happens. It's typical sunlight and you curse yourself silently for your sinister thoughts.

Secretly the voice at the back of your mind still whispers frantically but you don't wish to hear what it has to say. Instead you choose to drown it out with the sound of Zeke's voice. Finally deciding to pay attention to what it is he's been droning on about for the past ten minutes.

"Soon, soon, soon." He sighs dreamily looking a little delirious.

"Soon?"

Your question catches him off guard, he lightly shoves you with his elbow scoffing in annoyance.

"Did you sit here to not even listen to me?" He turns to take a sip of whisky and the hearty gulp he chugs shows his mild irritation. You assume he's been rambling on about Marley's plan to infiltrate Paradis. You have to admit that the idea of destroying those demons from the inside is amazingly well thought out. However it's all he's been able to discuss for the entire week now and frankly you're getting a little exhausted of it.

"I zoned out..." Quietly placing your glass back down onto the wooden counter you sigh closing your eyes. It's too early to be drinking and you don't trust Zeke enough to slip into ignorance and leave yourself vulnerable. Men are to not be trusted, especially Eldian men. The thought of Eldians triggers your flight of fight response, you want to shrivel up into a cocoon and never come out until the world is rid of the monsters. The lowest of the low, the dirt in between the crevices of Marleyan soldier's boots. That is what Eldian's are.

It's ironic coming from you, your entire family labelled as undesirable Eldians yourself but you, you know you're different. An honorary Marleyan is what you will become. What you are. The treacherous imps who are but an ocean away are the true evil.

Eyes flicking to Zeke he's lighting a cigar. Old habits die hard and he's yet to quit this self destructive custom of his. You couldn't care less if he chooses to cut his lifespan short by ten years, it's his own choice to make. A disgusting cowardly choice but it's a choice fit for an untamed man like him.

The Island Devils are said to be the bad apples but you can't help but stare at your fellow citizens from time to time and wonder what it is they could be hiding. If a demon slipped through the cracks you wouldn't be surprised. Sly in nature, persuasive in tone, that is how devils go about their daily lives alone The hymns they drilled into you all the way through elementary school echo and rebound in your mind.

Locking your bitter thoughts away you have to push yourself to not punt Zeke in the mouth when he teasingly blows a puff of hot smoke into your face.

Fingertips grazing with his he freezes at the sudden contact giving you the perfect opportunity to slip his cigar away and take it in between your lips. You allow for it to linger there but you aren't foolish enough to inhale its contents.

"Zeke, my dear friend. We shall soon be met with the fruits of our own labour but I assure you that discussing Marley's plan constantly will be of no benefit for you nor I."

The day you and Zeke had met had been at warrior training camp. Zeke was a miserable, unmotivated oaf. Always tripping and falling behind the rest of the warrior cadets. You felt rather bad for him, if you were born as unskilled as him you don't know what you would have made of yourself. Zeke, the only child of his parents ironically only ever ended up rising through the ranks after handing them over to the Marleyan government. His father and mother had been conspiring an escape plan but were executed immediately alongside their fellow team members once Zeke had outted them. Unexpectedly he was spared, the fact he turned on his own parents showed where his loyalties were. To his surprise, he was even allowed to continue his training with the other warriors - only this time everyone kept an increased distance away from him. The warriors weren't informed of what he had actually done but everyone had a gut feeling. Everyone apart from you stuck with that feeling. You thought strategically, If he were to become an enemy in the future you knew being close would come at your advantage.

The day you and Zeke had met your mother died, his mother passed away the same day. At least that's what he had told you.

The two of you bonded over the little things, told each other stories about your life at home. Reminisced about what it was you missed.

Then it all came crashing down the day Zeke confessed. The day he told you he killed his mother and father by handing them over to Marley. Your knees buckled underneath you, crashing the floor he tried to grab at you but you thrashed around in retaliation kicking and screaming not understanding why he did what he did. Yes, they were traitors but they were his parents and if the monster had the nerve to turn on the people who gave birth to him who's to say he wouldn't do the same to you or to Marley.

Zeke doesn't know it but ever since then you take the opportunity to sneak the occasional glance at him. Every single time you narrow your eyes in malice. If there's a man in Liberio who you don't trust in the slightest it's him, he must think the feud between the two of you from childhood has been put at rest but it hasn't.

Zeke takes another swig of his alcohol. On this occasion he downs it entirely slamming the glass down with vigour.

"ONE MORE GLASS BARTENDER!"

846, i.

Another day of extensive training is about to end, your back is layered in uncomfortable layers of sweat and the same can be said for your forehead. Kneeling down in the under layer of the forest you're hidden waiting to strike. Going up against the elites is nerve-wracking but you're sure you can pull it off so long as you stay calm during this game of hunters against prey.

It's simple enough if you can conceal yourself and stay out of sight. The robust trees that surround you act as decent enough camouflage and your green cape paired with them lets you veil yourself, keeping you further into the foreground, blending into the environment.

No one will be able to catch you if they can't see you.

All of a sudden your previous thoughts are thrown away when you sense something in the atmosphere has changed, the hissing of the wind behind you isn't natural.

Turning to your side you don't bother to cover up the sound of leaves rustling and branches cracking, your priority is slipping away fast enough to hide again, a tug can be felt at your cloak and your reaction time barely covers for you, your gear fastens itself to a low enough tree branch and the descent is mind numbing. Your breakfast churns in your stomach but you ignore the uneasy feeling, leaping and diving wherever you find a small enough gap. You believe you can outrun your huntsman.

That is until you sneak a glance back and your muscles nearly tense up in pure astonishment, you've been kicked in the teeth just by the man's presence. Captain, Levi slinks behind you weaving through the gaps with increasing speed, he's gaining momentum and all the while his face stays relaxed, this isn't even his full effort.

Terrified you dart upwards and then left, a corner comes into view - Levi should assume you've turned into it and so you rashly choose to dart back down. Much to your hard luck you find that his senses are well adapted, the direction of the wind is enough for him to trace your whereabouts.

The pursuit resumes, and he stays disturbingly relentless.

Arm shooting to the right you think perhaps making it look like you're aiming to fly somewhere else again will completely catch him off guard, he can't expect for you to pull the same trick twice.

Setting your plan into motion your finger pulls at the trigger but you startle when the cable doesn't come out, it's jammed. Panic seeps into you and to make matters worse your gas is running out.

Without warning you're thrust into the body of a nearby tree, the bark scrapes against you and scratches begin to form anywhere you've made contact with the jagged surface, you want to admit defeat but the warrior inside of you denies Levi the pleasure of seeing you beg. In its place you deliver a harsh kick to his thigh, you're aware he's injured it and you're certain there are no rules to say you can't play dirty. Your boots hammer against leg hard enough for him to give out and let go of your body, but then you realize you lost this game from the very moment your grapple hooks broke, you have nowhere to hold onto.

Before you can even let out a shriek of horror Levi's shot back to you, he frantically accelerates and by a miracle humanity's strongest is able to grab a hold of you again. This time you don't dig your heels into his leg and you allow for him to clutch you by the torso.

Within a minute the two of you descend towards the forest floor and Levi throws you into the dirt furiously.

"You could have died. Being foolhardy will only lead to an early death." He barks as he directs his blade towards your neck.

"Am I dead yet?" Whispering back your gaze isn't trained on the blade but right up at him.

His nostrils flare up, his hair sticks to his forehead haphazardly and the knuckles that hold his pointed blades are white in tangled dissatisfaction.

Grabbing you by the hips he flings you over his shoulder choosing to not continue with the confrontation.

"I know what you're up to." His voice is still rugged from the pursuit and it takes you a split second to register what he's said.

Your eyes widen and your breath hitches in your throat, no way, there's no way in hell he knows. He's sharp but he's not a mind reader.

Your position means he can't read your face seeing as you're facing his back, instantly steeling your features you let out a breathy laugh.

"And what may that be?" Silently you pray he's worded himself ambiguously to catch a slip up.

"Being gutsy, you think that makes you a good soldier. It doesn't."

Relief floods you. He doesn't know.

"Soldiers need to be brave." Your retort makes him grumble.

"If you die with no meaning by being reckless what's the purpose of being a soldier?" His question has you stopping and thinking on what the correct answer is.

Unable to think of an answer you ask another question.

"Are you saying your previous comrades died without meaning?"

"No. Their deaths fueled me slay more titans."

"So if I died back there who wou-" He swiftly cuts you off showing no inclination of wanting to hear what it is you have to say.

"I'll cut your tongue off if it's stupid." He clearly isn't serious about the threat but he does mean it when he warns you to not overstep.

Despite the consequences you say what's on your mind. "I just wanted to ask who would give my life meaning if I ever died. I don't have siblings and my parents died long ago."

Silence follows and the crunch of his boots against the muddy leaves tells you he probably doesn't wish to answer your question.

"Sorry-"

"I would. I would give meaning to your life." He says it with such ease you almost want to admire the enemy but you know he's said it because he feels he has to.

"You barely know me but I hope one day you can stop thinking everyone has to rely on you." You say it with taunting understanding.

Another bout of silence follows. Only this time the two of you feel warmly comforted, he doesn't understand how you've seen through his facade but it's easy for you to spot another liar.

846, ii.

Brows drawn back you observe your surroundings attempting to mask your scrutiny. The place is running amok with uncontrollable Eldian folk. The stench of unadulterated sin makes itself known but you seem to be the only person able to smell it. Eren bumps against the table you're sat at and your face twitches a little but you say nothing. You're yet to get used to these people's lack of manners.

At least that's how you force yourself to think. To be truthful, you don't quite understand what it is these people have done wrong. Ever since you've arrived you've been nitpicking at every single minor inconvenience or possible issue. A girl stole a potato and broke it into uneven pieces to share and you attempted to twist the story in your head to make her look like an unfair, greedy voracious demon but... you found yourself finding very little to actually be angry at. These people are essentially normal in every way of the word, they aren't demons and you can't help but feel yourself slip away from everything you once knew as reality. You're finding it difficult to believe what years of Marleyan education taught you, the hymns that were once drilled into your brain permanently are but a vague memory.

You feel disgustingly under-dressed and out of place, you don't belong here not when you're meant to hate these people, not when you're meant to despise them. You should be fighting the urge to shove their heads onto pitchforks or to skin them alive and feed them to pigs. Everyone back in Marley told you to control your impulses but now you're here and you've settled down even having the opportunity to converse with these individuals, share their pain, share their loss, share their suffering, you wonder why you have no impulses to control. Have they brainwashed you? Or is it that you're the real demon in this situation?

Fingers mingling with each other on your lap you sit hopelessly alone. Interacting with the so called enemy is much harder than you expect. Worry consistently bubbles in the pit of your stomach and every night is spent tossing and turning evaluating then reevaluating who the bad guy really is. At first the task of daily interaction isn't a big deal, you find it easy enough to approach members of the team and fake interest in their lives until the original plan falls through. You do become invested in your team members lives and stories that it comes to the point where you don't have to force yourself to smile at their jokes or to sympathize with their tales of grief. You become one of them and you swear you're meant to feel like a traitor but eerily you feel like you belong.

Nevertheless you try your best to stick with what you know. You're nothing like Zeke, you're loyal, capable, faithful and trustworthy. Never will you turn your back on Marley.

Rising to excuse yourself from dinner you think you've just about made it and escaped finally able to hide away in the confines of your bedroom but your lips form into a straight uncomfortable line at the feeling of someone's hand latching at your wrist. You're halfway down the hallway just a few more steps away from your bedroom. You hope it's one of the rookies.

"Oi, come here."

Head shooting backwards your eyes land on Levi, his dark curtains fall in front of his eyes - you note that he hasn't trimmed them as he usually does. Despite his size his grip is firm and your wrist squirms around a little trying to manoeuvre out of his bruising grasp. He seems to notice he's underestimated his strength once again and loosens his hold on you. Narrowed eyes analyse your anxious form, they're grey and in this lighting almost glow appearing silver. For a brief second your mouth is left ajar by the delicate but rough manner of his face.

"Everything Okay?" He doesn't typically seem to care very much about anyone, the question activates your senses and you're on full alert but the eye contact you make with him seconds later slows down the gears in your mind, they only whir and hum in anticipation completely coming to a halt.

"Yes, yes everything is okay." You're playing around with the hem of your shirt and you silently question when you were ever this nervous around anyone. You're a Marleyan soldier for heaven's sake not an unrestrained, unsupervised child left to play in a park.

Despite your clear inability to cushion and shield yourself from your Levi's stabbing gaze you attempt to appear as nonchalant as possible.

"I'll be going I just feel a little —" At first you had thought to fake you were ill but at the feeling of a sudden strike of pain you hold onto your stomach, the ache burns into your abdomen and without permission it travels higher up towards your ribs. "A little unwell." You manage to wheeze out. Hand placed onto a nearby cement wall your thought process is hasty speeding up by the second. Have they figured you out and had you poisoned? No, you barely ate anything today.

You hunch over feeling the bile crawl up your throat, on reflex you clamp your eyes shut not wishing to anger a superior by acting insolent and disposing of your dinner in the hallway. Shaky palms reach hesitantly for your lips and you force yourself to keep it in. Levi would commit a murder if you heaved and gagged letting it all out in front of him.

You motion towards the door trying to emphasize that you can handle yourself in the privacy of your room. Tears bite at the sides of your eyes and your vision is so blurred you can only make out the faint outline of the man who was just in front of you.

"Relax. I'll clean it." Your hair is brushed away from your face securely held back and you can't hold it in any longer, the acrid storm surges through your throat, you retch at the harsh sting it leaves behind. Breathing heavy, perturbed and anxious you gasp in all the air you can get.

"I knew you looked ill." His hands hold your jaw gently, the pads of his fingers are calloused but his touch remains soft. A tissue dabs at your mouth wiping away the excess untouched sick.

Just like the sick which surged through you less than a minute ago you feel something else entirely tear into you. You can't put a finger on it but it's dangerous for you to not feel contempt.

847, i.

Your heart accepts what your mind has been ignoring for months on end when Levi looks you square in the eyes after a heart wrenching expedition. The vacant look on his face is enough for the guilt to consume you whole but he doesn't know that. He doesn't know of your sins.

The wagon of corpses reeks of death and desperation. It's rotten and the smell is sickening. Forcibly you stop yourself from feeling any more grief. The despair isn't yours to go through.

Your first ever personal loss outside of the walls and you've learnt Paradis is not home to demons. Cheeks burning in mortification you can't formulate any thoughts on your own accord, instead they continuously emerge in bursts and finally a single thought sticks out from the rest - Are you aiding in the destruction of innocent human life?

The both of you are sat on guard duty with the corpses, half of the team has been wiped out in one sweep. Your trembling hands don't seem to want to steady any time soon and you sit there with your guilty conscience strangling you slowly, your airflow is getting shallower. Shorter, quicker breaths leave you. The imaginary gash in your chest is bottomless, and your lungs push and pull in a power struggle.

Levi's coarse hands abruptly hold onto yours and the floodgates open again, he doesn't know what you've done to him, done to his soldiers, done to his people. If he knew who you really were, would things be different?

"This was out of your control."

Do you tell him?

The question sits in your mind for a while until you shake your head. He takes it the wrong way and think you're responding to him.

"This was not your fault." For the first time in months you've heard his voice crack under pressure.

"Pe- Petra she- I could have taken one for the team and died instead of her." All that remains of your dear friend is her blood soaked cloak. Her body was one of the few that had to be hauled away earlier to decrease the carriage's load.

The fabric still smells of Petra, smells of honey and chamomile and the simple soap offered at the base, but it still smells of her.

Firm hands grab your shoulders and Levi's fingers dig sorely into your flesh.

"Don't."

"But I- I didn't contribute as much as her and she has family who are alive." Hiccuping you try to bare with the fact that you'll wake up tomorrow and not see her preparing breakfast for everyone else. You know you could have propelled her out of the way just in time if you hadn't been so taken aback by the entire situation.

"You were her comrade. She made the choice to die for you."

You want to reach out, sob into his chest and yell that you regret it all, scream and tell him about the secret you've been hiding. A sorry excuse of a comrade you are to let her die on the battlefield not knowing your true identity. The tears roll down your cheeks and Levi feels his heart constrict and squeeze as he comprehends the lack of regard you have for your life. "It should have been me." Is repeated over and over again, your eyes are raw and bloodshot, the vicious wind sinks its teeth into you.

"Then die."

"If you're willing for her life to have no meaning. Die." The words he spits out are as cutting as the bitter wind. He feels cheated and you're finally able to come to your senses.

He's faired much worse but you doubt he's ever acted out the way you have in front of another person. In this never-ending void of darkness locking away the dull ache caused by deafening loss is the best choice for everyone.

Much like the night you had been sick he takes a grip of your jaw and directs your face towards his, this time he's not as gentle as before but you conclude that it's because he's drained, completely exhausted from the battle. The eyes are the windows to the soul but Levi's window panes are shattered, completely crushed by the weight of the constant burden he has to carry.

"I'm sorry." You croak out the apology. He grits his teeth because he doesn't want you to apologize but he doesn't voice out his opinion. As a substitute he presses his arms against you, the terribly raw panic is murdering you. Levi's gruff voice is a mixture of faux irritation but mutual understanding.

"Cry." He allows for your head to loll against his shoulder.

As the dark envelopes both you and him the scent of the dead only becomes more and more pungent, recalling fond memories of Petra and the others you know your heart settles on a decision before your mind does. You're a two timing back stabbing traitor for this. What you hated Zeke for you have become yourself.

Disloyal, unfaithful and fickle.

That day you place your loyalties with Paradis.

847, ii.

Levi's wiping down one of the kitchen tables, you're kneeled on the floor scrubbing vigorously. The others have already given up, panting they've left using the excuse of fetching water from a nearby well. Your back aches but you find cleaning reassuring and somewhat of a decent distraction.

"Why do you like to clean?" You're used to Levi asking you abrupt questions by now, after all the two of you have been acquainted for well over a year now. Through that year he's learnt about you and you about him. When in the midst of what looks to be humanity's final year's, twelve simple months is enough to form a bond worth a decade.

"I'm not good at a lot but I am good at cleaning."

"You know that's not true idiot." The tone of his voice indicates that your answer doesn't please him.

"But I do think I'm good at cleaning? Maybe not as good as you but I am half decent."

"Not that. You're good at much more than half the people I've ever met." He sneers, his footsteps edge towards you. "Purely being a good person is a talent these days."

You suppress a flinch because you aren't a good person at all. Neither are you that middle ground between good and bad. Rough around the edges and uneven, you're shards of glass ready to slash and hack away at him if Marley somehow lures you back.

The confession, if you could even call it that catches you by surprise and anger fills you. You almost want for him to not trust you and call out your bluff. It's a little unnatural how badly you want for him to realize the truth.

Your head turns up to stare at the man who's a few steps away from you. "Or am I just good at acting genuine?"

You don't even mean to snap at him and you don't even realize you have until you see his eyes widen and mouth part in imperceptible surprise. Biting your tongue your attention is diverted back to the wooden floor. Driving your washcloth into the crevices and dips of the floorboards you ignore Levi's leather shoes which now stand right in front of you.

"Are you questioning my judgement of character?"

Be born in Marley, That's what you had done, trained to destroy people you thought to be devilish entities, foolishly chose to grow attached to the so called enemy. Your mind lingers onto a specific thought and you're deathly afraid to be thinking it in the first place but there's no more avoiding it.

Falling deeply in love with Levi is your worst mistake to date.

"What I did. It was out of my control." you reply, voice hard.

"Not disclosing what it was?" He asks.

Your silence is his answer. Kneeling down to where you are he disarms you, the washcloth is taken out of your hands and he places it onto a table.

"You are a good person." His voice is brusque and he states it like it's a fact, something you should know. Hot tears threaten to spill over, he's stupidly naive for not rethinking that opinion of his. Lips thinned and eyes watering you don't know how to feel.

"Levi. I'm sure you'd like to think that but I am not."

"You love the members of the corps unconditionally I can see it in the way you look at them."

"Sometimes you look a little sad when you stare." The last sentence he adds in has your pulse racing. He's right, you often feel miserable thinking about how everyone would react knowing who you really are.

"I'm not interested in bad people." He sounds distant saying such warm words and it takes a moment for them to actually sink in. You don't quite believe you've heard him correctly. The dread sinks to the bottom of your stomach and the feelings you've buried at the back of your mind hit you like a tsunami. The thought of him feeling the same way for you, is agonizing.

"Stop being ridiculous." The uncertainty is killing the both of you.

"Loving you is not ridiculous, if you don't feel the same way you can say that and I'll step away. We'll be back to normal."

"No, no, no. You don't get it. You're just saying that." Your voice quivers and the intensity of this new revelation is too large for you to cope with.

"Why would, you," He begins, voice just above a whisper, "ever think that way?"

"Why would you even look twice at me?" You reply.

"Because I worry for you."

"You worry for everyone."

"I worry for you the most."

Instead of letting you respond to him this time he carries on speaking.

"We both know we feel the same."

You already knew you were in love with Levi, you didn’t need for him to tell you. You knew you were in love when you tried to memorize his facial features, you knew you were in love when his laughter was the cause of your laughter, you knew you were in love when you threw yourself in front of that abnormal for him.

That's when you begin to understand what all his signals meant. You now knew why he'd let you stare so intently, you now knew why he laughed particularly hard when it was you who had made a joke, you now knew why he scolded you and nearly broke down at the sight of your injured arm after that specific expedition.

You know it. He knows it. You both know what this will lead to.

But you still lunge onto his lap, you still press your wobbly lips against his. You still choose to surrender yourself to him and he still reacts by taking a hold of your shaky hands which lay on his chest. He envelopes them in his warm grasp. Slowly but gradually the ice thaws and dissolves. Heartbreak, anguish and suffering when one of you loses the other will be the end of your romance, you're sure of it. Hell, the both of you are in the middle of a war but your heart flames up thinking of all of the possibilities.

Perhaps it'll play out the one way you wish for it not to.

Could your ending be in betrayal?

848, i.

"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded hus-"

"Cut the crap and kiss me." Levi's crude interruption isn't appreciated by Erwin but everyone knows Levi doesn't care all that much for formalities and hates being in the spotlight for too long.

Gripping him by the collar of his suit your lips are a centimetre away, he stops you tightening the hold he has on your waist. His lips gently press against your collarbone and his breath meanders towards the shell of your ear.

"Swear you won't die on me."

Gulping you look away apprehensively. You know you can't promise that.

“Oi, I’m expecting an answer.” His voice flickers slightly.

Forefinger holding your chin up you see your soon to be husband close to tears, he valiantly blinks them away. Levi has never been one to make his pain public and your heart twists in your chest as you realize just how much of a hold his feelings for you have over him.

"I can't promise that, you know it'll only hurt more." The strange bitter taste in your mouth won't let you comply with his request and by measuring his reaction you see his eyes cloud in an unidentifiable emotion, you're sure it's nothing positive.

"We may not have a happy ending Levi but we'll always have a happy middle."

Levi scoffs in derision, he has to think your attempt at being meaningful is ridiculous.

You lean into him and it's all so heart-wrenchingly familiar yet foreign. His body sags comprehending that not everything will go the way he wants it to. One of you is guaranteed to leave first.

Hands finding purchase in the cloth of his white dress shirt Levi doesn't cringe at you creasing the fabric as he usually does. He allows for you to call the shots this time, your lips brush faintly against his before you nosedive into him. No resistance is felt and he replies almost immediately. Everyone applauds as his fingertips press into the back of your skull and you find that this is all incredibly hideous. The innate disloyalty you feel, you throwing your entire life away for this man but you find yourself not caring. To hell with that miserable life crammed with sin.

Levi smiles against your mouth, you assume you're meant to magically smile back but you can't make yourself. It's uncomfortable relishing in the undeserved happiness knowing it won't last forever.

The world you live in isn't ideal nor is it forgiving.

Momentary joy is all an antagonist can hope for.

849, i.

Jean can’t take his eyes off the newly weds.

You’re cooing into your Levi’s ear gently, his cheeks flush scarlet at the feeling of your hot breath against his skin and he scolds you for having the gall to rile him up in public.

Jean sniggers finding some sort of odd delight from the interaction - he’s never seen the Captain this content and at ease.

849, ii.

You don't know why you've dragged yourself out of bed just to stare at your husband's face but you have, despite the toll life has had on him he seems sound for once. His breathing peaceful yours is anything but that. When it's dark the weight becomes heavier, your skin tingles and your throat burns aching for release.

Eyes blurring your hands shake reaching out for him but you can't find the courage to make contact. Nothing will ever warrant plaguing him even more with your existence.

The memories become increasingly bitter.

"If we make it out of this alive we'll have children and they'll look just like you."

"I want them to look like you." had been your reply.

Levi winced not seeming to like the idea.

"No, I want them to look like you. You're beautiful."

How wrong he was for thinking that.

You, beautiful? He'd stab himself ten times over if he knew just who exactly he had said those words to.

850, i.

Zeke had betrayed you after finding out who you were to Levi but you half expected that he would tell him the truth at some point regardless of that fact.

Tear stains travel through the mud and grime on your face, Levi's eyes are indifferent as he twists his wedding ring off his finger flinging it into the surrounding rubble.

Without your permission he yanks your arm forwards intending to take your matching ring away but you hold on digging your heels into the dirt beneath you.

"You disgusting bitch. Give me it."

You scream, high and awful, he continues jerking at your arm the muscle throbs crying out for him to stop but he doesn't and no one steps in to put a halt to any of it. Levi having had enough grabs at your neck ruthlessly. In any other circumstance he'd be labelled callous or cruel but everyone on the battle field shares a similar empathy for their Captain. Neither they or Levi had expected your disloyalty.

"I said give me the ring if you know what's good for you." His fingers slide around your neck, his seemingly low words cling onto the little respect he has left for you.

"No." Your defiance has his eyes hardening in and posture tensing. "I'm not handing it over."

Levi says nothing, he only holds onto your throat tighter, if he really keeps at it your windpipe will be crushed in no time. You know he's holding out on purpose, he's still giving you a chance. He expects for you to stand your ground, say you never deceived Paradis, say something, anything to make him let go of you.

"Marrying you... It just happened somehow. I know it was selfish of me." He squeezes harder. "I know it was. I'm sorry Levi." Gasping and breathless you clench and unclench your fists finding it too difficult to explain.

Your mouth opens, you want to tell him you haven't seduced him like he thinks you have, tell him you dropped that plan of yours long ago but then you falter at the last second. It's typically hard to tell when Erwin's infuriated but it's painfully obvious when you make eye contact with him over Levi's trembling shoulders. It's enough to tell you to give up. Enough to tell you that you're beyond redemption, you've ran and hid long enough.

"Hand over your titan." Levi says nothing to Erwin's proposition, the hold he has on your neck loosens but his silence is sickening. It means he agrees.

This is fate's idea of a cruel joke.

But you agree, on the basis of one condition.

"Fine but-"

Levi cuts in, all regard for you devoid from his system.

"You're in no place to be making demands." He snarls, his patience quickly running thin.

However Erwin urges you to continue speaking taking you aback.

"If it's not too much maybe we can accommodate your final wish." Erwin had always been thoughtful in nature and you thank him for even bothering to show you a sliver of benevolence.

Everyone's looking, all eyes are on you. Some are blinking away tears, others are disgusted unable to stare at you for more than a few seconds at a time. Levi falls into the latter.

Brazen with not an ounce of shame you mention the ring again. "Let me keep it." Your left hand covers your right and underneath the flesh is the last symbol left of your union with Levi.

Whispers and murmurs orbit you, none of them are kind and Levi loses it.

His reflexes are paralyzing, he's back at it clawing your neck mercilessly but you don't scream or shriek as you did previously. You take it, you let him unload his frustration.

"Levi. Let it go for the sake of humanity." Erwin says pointedly. Irritation pricks him, he wants this over and done with and your rebelliousness doesn't look as if it'll be tamed any time soon unless you're given what you want.

Levi's face is crimson, the fresh blood from the expedition still steaming. "Y/N, I'll saw your arm off if I have to." But, you know he's already given into Erwin's orders when he throws you to the ground letting you crash and wheeze for breath.

850, ii.

Levi's been appointed to guard you for your final night alive. The room feels wistful as you think back wondering if the life you lived was respectable.

"Why did you stare at me when I slept? Did you think of killing me?" Half commanding and half pleading his voice cracks. He coughs attempting to cover it up.

You jolt not expecting the interaction at all and you're not the slightest bit surprised that he had seen you all those nights staring so deeply. He'd always been a light sleeper. You turn your head up hoping he's looking at you.

He isn't.

"I wanted our children to look like you. I think you're beautiful."

It's now his turn to recoil, only he does so in repulsion remembering the familiarity of those words. They had left his own lips not too long ago.

"I'd never have children with the likes of you." He sounds tense then.

You understand. No one would want to have children with someone as hated and as despicable as you.

"I know." You whisper faintly.

850, iii.

When Erwin's eyes glaze over unable to focus on anything in particular Levi assumes it's him growing used to the titan powers. What he doesn't expect is for his Commander to bang his head against the floor unrelenting screaming your name.

Pairs of hands move to stop him but he thrusts them aside wailing. Levi stresses trying to figure out what it is you could have done in the wake of your death.

But Erwin Smith. Courageous, brave Erwin Smith, who never cracked at loss of life for the sake of humanity, who always eloquently spoke to everyone around him at all times, finds himself slumping down to his knees and weeping for you.

The warm blood from his self inflicted assault still trickles down his nose, a tremor shakes through his entire body when he thinks of breaking the news to Levi.

The edge in Erwin’s voice grows dangerous.

"We made the wrong choice."

Erwin can't word it any better than that.

But Levi understands right away, he wishes he didn’t, he wishes he was ignorant enough not to.

Hange sticks an arm out aiming for his shoulder but he stumbles away nearly falling back into the floor not wanting to be touched by anyone.

He finds that he is not human enough to cry. It’s that or he’s not human at all without your presence.

854, i.

Levi has grown old without you, lived to see months and new seasons without you by his side. Over time his eyelids have become heavier, the corners of his mouth naturally droop and he remains perpetually somber.

Sometimes you visit him in his dreams, each time you make a silly comment about how his grey eye bags make him look like he’s been punched in the face. “Levi Ackerman, I swear if you don’t sleep soon!” You cushion the blow by whispering sweet nothings, reassuring him that you still think he’s beautiful.

Occasionally you add in that you don’t blame him for the past, but those conversations only last for a few seconds at a time.

“I don’t blame you.” It always starts off with the exact same phrase.

“I should have listened to you.” Levi’s tone is stern and uncompromising .

“Lev, I was never going to tell you to spare my life. You tried to listen to me, I could tell you wanted me to deny it.”

Levi refuses to answer you, he still thinks he’s at fault.

Not a day goes by where he doesn’t think of that ring. He regrets throwing it away recklessly into the rubble.

Some day he’ll return to Shiganshina to find it. The idea sounds laughable but he has to find a reason to smile as he fights for his life.

That is what Levi thinks as two set’s of jaws snap shut onto his legs, a flurry of red surrounds him. His throat constricts at the feeling of his thighs being ripped away from the rest of him.

“I tried.” He whimpers to no one in particular, eyes blank and losing meaning.

“I know Levi, I know.” The same voice from his dreams soothes him.

“Do not despair. Find me again in another world.” The biting wind adds in.

Levi’s eyelids flutter shut unable to do much else.

He’s unsure if he has the courage to face you again in another lifetime.

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