#nor do I intend to harm myself to learn

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

This post used to hold a poem inspired by the Rev. Munther Isaac's declaration that "God is under the rubble in Gaza."

After a few anons and a conversation with a Jewish friend, I've decided to take the poem down because, regardless of my own intentions with it, it risks feeding the long and extremely harmful history of blood libel, because I included imagery of the infant Jesus and his parents being killed by an Israeli soldier, as many Palestinians are being killed now.

Before talking with that friend, I wrote in this response to an anon about my intentions with the poem — but while I do believe that intentions do matter, they don't matter nearly as much as impact does.

My friend helped me come to the conclusion that while the poem I wrote could be interpreted as I intended by people who already have all the context I wrote it in (see below), it could also all too easily be interpreted much more harmfully by those who lack that context — or worse, who are looking for more fuel for their antisemitism. The poem is not worth that risk, not at all.

___

Ultimately, I hold two things I believe to be true in tension:

that Christians throughout the ages have found deep comfort and encouragement in understanding Jesus as suffering in and with them. I support all Christian Palestinians who, like Rev. Isaac, experience God-with-them in this way — in this horrific time, they deserve any ounce of comfort they can derive. And them personally seeking and finding the Divine presence with them is not antisemitic.

that for Christians like myself in the USA, who live in the beating heart of Empire and Christian Supremacy, it is vital to take care in how we talk about this theology in this current situation, where the oppressors are Jewish. Providing more fuel for Christian antisemitism is inexcusable, and I deeply apologize for writing and sharing a piece that can be used in that way.

Because modern-day Israel is a Jewish state, exploring that Divine solidarity in this context comes with a great risk of perpetuating the long, harmful history of antisemitic blood libel and accusations of deicide. How do we affirm God’s presence with those suffering in Palestine without (implicitly or explicitly) adding to the poisonous lie that “the Jews killed Jesus”?

In wrestling with this complexity, I tried to write this poem to uplift both Jesus’s Jewishness and his solidarity with Palestinians. Jesus was born into a Jewish family, his entire worldview was shaped by his Jewishness, and he shared in his people’s suffering under the Roman Empire. His solidarity with Palestinians of various faiths suffering today does not erase that Jewishness. Nor does it mean that Jewish persons don’t “belong” in the region — only that modern Israel’s occupation of Palestine is in no way necessary for Jews to live and thrive there, or anywhere else in the world.

I also aimed to point out that Israel is by no means acting alone in this attack on Gaza or their decades-long occupation of Palestine. There is a much larger Empire at work, with my own country, the United States, at the helm. Israel is entangled in that imperial mess, and directly backed and funded by those forces — not because of what politicians claim, that we have to back Israel or else we’re antisemitic, but because Israel is our strategic foothold in the so-called Middle East. How do we name our complicity as our tax dollars are funneled into violence across the world, and act to end that violence?

___

I'm sorry this post isn't as articulate as I want it to be. All of this to say: I deeply apologize for any hurt my poem caused. I understand how horrific Christianity's history of — and ongoing present — antisemitism is, and how it poisons and warps so much that could have been beautiful. I'll keep educating myself; I'll keep having hard conversations; I'll keep working to uproot antisemitism in myself and my communities.

___

I'll close with a list of resources for learning about Palestine's history and getting involved.

[nmakii]

TILL I RUN DRY!

— alastor x hypersexual ace!reader

— warning: gn!reader (i wrote with fem in mind) sex, hyper-sexuality, intrusive thoughts, abuse, sexualization, body dysmorphia, implied ed (anorexia), self-harm

unapologetically me x alastor bc were married! and um we like to hold hands sooo like deal w it 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️ kinda messy hc list too. sfter writing the tw list im worried for myself sheeshhh

he honestly at first did not quite like you. his only experience with hypersexuality has been with angel dust. and, that has been uncomfortable to say the least.

though he starts seeing that behind that mask, you’re hiding something. as a man who hides his intentions most of the time, he can tell you’re covering some part of yourself up. and when you finally let down that mask of yours, whether by accident or on purpose, alastor finds it confusing.

alastor’s original understanding of hypersexuality had been that they were nymphomaniacs who always desired sex. he was confused with your identity, “hypersexual asexual”. it was an oxymoron!

but, now that he’s developed a bond with you, he’s starting understand that there was… some difference between drive and attraction. the line is still a bit faint to him.

now that alastor has gotten to know you better, he starts to see that both of you are fairly similar, at least when it comes to the lack of sexual attraction. and now that he knows you act this way for a reason, he doesn’t shame you like he does with angel dust. (not that angel isn’t valid, alastor just doesn’t wish to talk to him) and after learning that these sexual remarks of your’s are compulsive, he tries to tolerate them to the best of his abilities.

whenever you have these hypersexual episodes and start to cope, alastor doesn’t prefer to ‘help’ you. he’ll leave you to your own devices until it’s over. but, he’s perfectly fine cleaning you up. whether it be setting up a bath, or bandaging a scar. he doesn’t intend on stopping you since… he doesn’t exactly know how to. all that he does know is how to comfort you after they happen.

he’d feel sympathetic if you started feeling disgusted with yourself after an episode. he generally also feels sympathetic for you if the trauma that had wired your mind like this had been inflicted by older men, or someone you thought was your friend.

sometimes, when it’s late into the day, alastor’ll catch you bedrotting because you feel disgusted with yourself. he doesn’t say anything though, because if he did, it’d be a lie. if you noticed it and got upset, alastor would probably say something along the lines of “yes, i won’t deny that you’re a bit… twisted in the head, dear. but, i’ll still be here for you. you’re quite dear to me, i wouldn’t just leave you!”

he’s often confused when you wear revealing clothing and try to sexualize yourself whilst not even wanting to have sex. and, when you say that you’re trying to prove to yourself that you’re pretty enough to sexualize, he’s speechless to say the least. he’s never met someone like you before, nor does he tend to even try to help.

there are times alastor finds you staring in the mirror and observing your body. he can tell in your eyes that you’re judging your figure on how appealing it is, and that you’re thinking of how to make yourself look ‘better’. and to distract your thoughts, he hugs you from behind, and puts all the attention on him. he’d say something like “what ever are you doing, sweetheart? i can’t deny how gorgeous you are, but you’ll go crosseyed if you keep staring like that!”

and knowing you, judging your figure would probably lead to something like starving yourself. so, he observes how much you eat, and tries to encourage you to eat more.

alastor would still get incredibly uncomfortable if you started forcing yourself onto him and trying to seduce him. he doesn’t want to do that, but he wouldn’t want to hurt your fragile state either. when he denies you, he can see that you get upset. so, he explains that he wouldn’t want to take advantage of you like other unruly men have before, and that it doesn’t have anything to do with how attractive you are.

he’d also get a bit irritated during these dramatic moments of yours where you push everyone away. you start to get much more depressed during these moments, and he can’t help wondering about your well-being. it doesn’t matter if you’re pushing him away, he’s still lurking somewhere in the shadows to make sure you’re safe.

if you ever got close enough to alastor to confess the darker parts of your hypersexuality, like a need to be abused to feel loved, he’d feel sick to his stomach. why on earth would you want such a thing? to feel as if you’re attractive? he’d let you confess these thoughts to him, you’re trusting him with a dark part of yourself after all. but, if you were to seek it out in real life, he’d absolutely stop you. he’d never realistically allow you to get hurt while he’s still with you.

he finds it you to be a very unfortunate individual. he still tries to be there for you when he can, even if it made him mildly uncomfortable.

[dyrewrites]

oh hii! srry for the late reply!

i'm NOT against smut or erotica at all! i'm against romancitizing abuse.

a lot of people understood it as if i'm saying "women are too stupid to differ fiction from reality" but that's not it!

we know the effects pornography has on misogyny, toxic masculinity and usually we only talk about how it affects men - since they're majority in consuming it - but i realized many books of dark romance has common elements with porn: "forbbiden" relationships, misogyny, extremely dub-con...

( i know that because unfortunately i was a kid with no supervision of whatever i was doing on internet :p )

besides that, i was also into animes. idk if you ever heard of "hentai" but basically is 2d porn and dark romance is SO similar to it. "guilty trap" of the victims...as i grew up, i started questioning myself "what the heck". it's something made for insecure men to feel better within themselves as they abuse women.

i have NO problem with smut or women being sexual but i can't denial certain topics need to be treated with caution.

well, that's it! thank you for your time!!

xx

I refuse to answer if I have heard of this 'hentai'. Totally unaware of this thing we will not speak of.

Also, your statement that these things are "made for insecure men to feel better within themselves as they abuse women" tells me you've made up your mind on this topic and are perhaps coming into this with a more personal bias than I am.

Because I just want people to be able to enjoy their filthy fictions, and I will die on the hill that romanticizing things makes them easier to explore and understand.

I'll keep going with the discussion, on the off chance you'll read it all and maybe see where I'm coming from.

I'm putting this under a cut for the sexual language, and because I am going to go on.

I don't know what you mean by porn affecting misogyny and 'toxic masculinity'. So understand that I have no idea what you mean by those words in this context.

As for the effects of porn on men, and women, I...have issues with that belief. In general, I have issues with the belief that seeing or reading a thing can make someone behave a certain way on its own.

So let's discuss that, shall we?

Now, if someone's entire concept of relationships and sex stems from porn then yes, they will be broken. They will be heavily impacted by it, because it is not reality. Nor does it pretend to be reality. It is very clearly a fiction. Yet they've been given it and only it as example, so to them it is reality...and they will learn the hard way that it is not.

Same goes for animated and written pornography.

It isn't real. It is very clearly fiction.

So the only way it is affecting anyone, other than the intended affect of course, is if that's all they know.

But that's not everyone.

The average person reading the Dark Fantasy Romance that began this discussion is in her late twenties, thirties or well into her forties. She is likely married, maybe even a mother.

She knows how sex works. This will not change her opinion of how it works, but it might make her ask her husband to slap her ass or speak a little rougher once in a while. Just to see if she actually likes it. Because we never stop changing, as people, and it's fun to try new things with your partner.

But the books are a fantasy she indulges in because it is taboo, because most of it is likely impossible in real life, and because it touches some little part of her brain that wonders what she'd do in such a dangerous--and somehow arousing--situation.

It is made to titillate and as people's interests are wide and varied, there are many delights out there to choose from and create fiction of.

Some of it romanticizes abuse, yes, for the reasons stated above.

It does not, however, advocate for abuse or suggest one go out and do those things. It is a game, a fiction, and a fun little release from reality to enjoy.

There is no harm in fiction romanticizing the monstrous or depraved.

Where else can one explore those interests safely? Would you prefer someone with a fantasy of being subdued and 'taken advantage of' go on tinder and see if they can find someone to drug and play rape them?

It's an extreme example, but it's part of why these topics should be out there in fictional settings, and treated as the sexual fantasies they are. It's how to experience the weird little things some of us imagine without actually getting hurt.

People aren't going to go looking for someone to abuse them, or misunderstand the signs of abuse because the pretty fae prince in their books acted like that too.

So yes, by saying there's an issue with it, you are saying women are too stupid to tell fantasy from reality.

Your opinion on hentai, however, tells me someone caught you and made you feel dirty for watching it. Or, perhaps, you need to find something more your interest. Not that I have any suggestions.

[bouncykhotchillipeppers]

Welcome to a special astrological chart reading for Yunho since it’s his birthday.

✦ Disclaimer I do not know him personally, no harm intended, others may interpret differently. I’ve been studying astrology for six years, and I take this seriously and try my best. Feel free to ask any questions you have! This is not a full chart reading, just a couple of interesting things for his birthday.

✦ Sun conjunct Jupiter in Aries (Fifth House) Sun and Jupiter love to be here, as it’s the house associated with creativity, talent, and activity. It’s what makes us feel alive. Definitely the type of person who thrives on performance and needs somewhere to channel all of that energy. It’s part of his purpose. Very playful but still a hard worker and likes to try a little bit of everything just to become better at it. Competitive. Optimistic yet realistic. Why keep doing something one way when you could do it better? He has a lot of faith that things will go well, and even if they don’t, he’ll just brush it off, learn his lesson, and move on; he takes a philosophical approach to his failures.

✦ Moon in Gemini (Eighth House) He’s sort of everywhere all at once, that Sun in 5H combined with the Gemini Moon makes him so willing to try new things just for fun. Why not? This emphasizes that playful energy, the need for banter. He’s probably good at hiding how he feels, though all emotions and thoughts will eventually surface whether he wants them to or not (as with all 8H placements), so best to be direct and honest with those (even if being direct is not his strong suit). Mimicking others comes easily to him for sure. Hm, he probably does remember that thing someone did twelve years ago that everyone else forgot about… Forgive? Sure. Forget? Never.

✦ Mars Rx in Scorpio (Twelfth House) This placement idealizes strength. People who have Mars in 12H or Mars-Neptune contacts tend to be the type who don’t complain about their problems, or if they do, it’s with the caveat that it does not make them weak. ’Tis but a scratch. Great placement for anyone involved in physical activities such as sports. Charismatic and compassionate. The retrograde is interesting because that directs a lot of the energy inward… He’s not necessarily a pushover by any means, but he is cool with just going with the flow and seeing where that takes him—but it has to be his choice. That Pluto in 1H needs control and mastery over the self. Mars in 12H tends to be fairly passive-aggressive and indirect… “I won’t do this myself, but I will help you do this.” Not a leader nor a follower but a secret third thing.

Mars square Uranus in Aquarius, he’s decisive and willful, action-oriented. He’s not the type to laze around waiting for an answer when he could easily find it out for himself. Yes, there are a lot of contradictions… Adds flavor.

Mars semisquare Pluto is interesting because it’s very much an aspect associated with extreme endurance or survival, good for (surprise!) dancers. His tolerance level is crazy high, both physically and mentally. I wouldn’t say he’s patient by any means, but it would take a lot to reach his limit.

✦ Venus-Mars-Neptune T-Square I would associate this aspect with the Prince Charming type—the ideal man, both in how others view him and what he seeks in others. Venus-Mars contacts are often found in dancers (beauty and action). More charm, more creativity. He needs to do something worthy to give to others.

✦ Pluto in Sagittarius (First House) This, along with Mars, is his chart ruler and the most important planet in his chart after the Sun and the Moon. He’s really an all or nothing type of guy, willing to push past usual boundaries in order to create a new side of himself. Very dedicated to whatever he devotes himself to. He finds the release of this pent up energy and power within himself through creative outlets (fifth house) that he gets to share with others (Jupiter).

✦ Final thoughts Overall, his chart reflects his person: playful and energetic with an intense passion. Such a nice balance because when there’s something too idealistic in his brain, he has another planet to bring him back to reality…

He’s really born to be a performer. I expected nothing less. I do think he’s fairly self-critical more than critical of others, and I hope he knows that we love his dedication and appreciate his hard work.

Thank you for reading! You can check out my other chart readings on my blog or on Twitter.

[nacricissa]

asking as a scifi writer myself: how do you avoid the scifi trope of "OHHHHH THE A.I IS EVIL NOW BECAUSE OF A BUG OR PARADOX OHHHHHH"? I don't want my broken a.is to be evil! I want them to be more or Less..just broken, both literally and emotionally

not sure if this is really my question, since I don't think of myself as an authority on sci fi, nor have intended to portray myself as one, but

I do love answering questions. So!

I think the most important distinction is defining a.i. Whether the a.i. in your story is meant to be a conscious intelligence with an experience of reality at least comparable to our own, or whether it's a series of commands being executed with methodical precision with no conscious choice and thus no moral imperative.

In the first case, the way is simply to do a bunch of research/ exploration of disability rights. So depending on how the bug is seated, it could be impairing your a.i.'s cognitive function, in which case learning disabilities would be worth checking into, or it could make it harder for the a.i. to communicate, in which case finding autistic advocates for autistic issues might be a compelling path, or it might make your a.i. struggle with differentiating false returns of their code from reality, in which case you want to find out what kind of problems and solutions people who experience psychosis have found, or maybe your a.i. has an experience similar to people with memory loss or dissociative disorders. The key with all of these is to highlight the ways in which they are the same and also the ways in which they are different. Bad news to say an autistic person is directly equivalent to a robot, but many autistic people do find that robot characters are as close to genuine rep they've seen. In this case you should also check into resources about how to delicately handle coding in media, to avoid putting your foot in your mouth unnecessarily.

In the second case, the key is to highlight the fact that the a.i. has no choice. You could have a paradox leading it to try to execute to mutually incompatible commands and it turns out the harmful one only got executed over the helpful one because of a quirk of how the internal machinery assigned processing power, or because it required fewer checks to a given function. The a.i. could be spending the whole story trying to execute a command to for example send water to aid in a draught, but a broken gear or lever means that all the water spills into waste instead of making it into the aqueduct, to the despair of the people who have made the trek up the aqueduct to see why their evil a.i. overlord has allowed them to go thirsty. A faulty sensor, a bad input, something that means that the rest of the a.i. is functioning properly, is trying to help to accomplish the task for which it was meant but simply can't and it's not the fault of the a.i.

[dogpelts-art]

trigger warning: sexual assault (child sexual assault, animal child rape, grooming), mass harassment, zoophilia mention, beastiality mention, sexual nudity mention, self destructive behaviours

thank you everyone who sincerely wished for me to get help! fortunately i am already engaged with several therapists. i am thankful to the select few people who reached out & let me talk through everything with them, and helped me realize what was going on. this all led to me being able to speak about it with my support system and start working through my years of online exposure, break out of the cycle of harmful sexual behavior towards myself, learn to unpack why i felt the need to continue that unhealthy cycle and work on understanding the long term effects of animal on child rape, CSA, grooming, etc had on my hypersexuality, online presence and relationships.

turns out being dehumanized through years of sexual abuse and portraying those feelings by drawing yourself as a dog being sexually tortured is not normal behavior! crazy

trying to explore these very complex feelings through art ended with me, once again, exposing myself, my past trauma and my body to others. this is a vicious cycle and i now know just how dangerous, common, yet unspoken about the victimization cycle is for survivors of csa. this is why i won’t be apologizing for fleeing. it was the safest thing for me to do, not just because of some angry people on twitter, but from actual predators i was engaged with. i was in no state to speak up about everything considering all this entails.

in regards to the one zoophile i followed, they had ΘΔζ in their display name. from my understanding the first two are therian symbols (?) and i assumed the third was too. i assure you i shared the shock everyone else had when i realized what it actually meant. taking the time to actually look through shit & when i saw that person fantasizing about committing beastiality in their tweets, the realization hit that i was interacting with people who might’ve been harming real animals, it made me sick to my fucking stomach and thankfully changed my entire view on the situation. you are of course free to believe what you want, but i personally think it’s fucking insane that because of this mistake i am being made out to be someone who “actively endorses animal cruelty and rape”. i can promise you i’d have offed myself long ago if that was the case. i am horrified enough at myself for engaging in feral art at any point in my life but please know i do not align at all with people who wish harm or sexual acts on animals.

as much as i believe i was influenced during all this, i certainly did make decisions to make situations worse, including an attempt to make money, and i take full responsibility for that. i am sincerely sorry for any harm caused. none of this should have happened in the first place and it shouldn't have spiraled so far.

to reiterate and make clear: my art was not real and was not intended to represent reality. it was not meant to represent any harm or sexual acts being done to actual animals. it was not made to encourage zoophilia or acts of beastiality, nor did it represent my personal feelings towards animals. everything depicted was a character meant to represent parts of myself and used as a way to express feelings of dehumanization and to reclaim traumatic experiences. i am now of the understanding it was entirely wrong, and was unintentionally used by zoophiles. i am extremely sorry.

i promise you i have heard quite literally every variation of threat or disparage you could possibly make towards me. i wish to say that you are valid in your anger, however, all i ask is no other people get harassed. i have never and will never encourage hate speech of any kind, no matter what side you’re on.

the original callout itself inherently caused further harm to myself and others. i beg you to stop sending minors explicit porn and directing them to nsfw accounts. no drama is worth endangering more people.

i am putting hard limits on my future online presence and i simply won’t be further engaging with the furry community. however, art is something i am still passionate about and is my main source of income, so i am working on making that a safe activity for myself. my social media will be monitored with help from my disability support workers to help me with my muted fear response and lack of perception concerning safety & danger. i will not be personally interacting or messaging anyone, simply just using my platform to post illustrations. i am focusing on recovery, and you can choose to respect that or not. i know the harassment is something i will just have to live with, but know i will try not to be engaging with it for my own safety.

—

if you’ve experienced any form of sexual assault as a child, please know you have a higher risk of revictimization. protect yourself. learn from my mistakes. access resources, speak to trusted adults. follow your gut. being led to seeing yourself as an inhuman animal and object can be incredibly dangerous. you don’t deserve to feel that way. don’t let people treat you as such.

for those of you who are genuinely trying to do the right thing and need an outlet for your anger — rather than doxxing, threatening and sending mass harrassment to already at risk individuals, i encourage you to utilize your time, skill sets and donations to support your local animal welfare officers. consider joining animal protection forces. report evidence of occurring animal abuse to authorities.

thanks for reading.

[fandomfluffandfuck]

the way you’re so onboard with alba just shows that you’re most likely a white person who doesn’t care about nazism and racism. y’know, cuz those things don’t affect you, right?

btw your “angel” posted her own nudes on ig for everyone, including chris’ underage nieces, to see. glad to know that’s who you’re supporting.

check your privilege please

related to this

Normally, I don't engage in stuff like this for a variety of reasons... anon critique and/or hate tends to be motivated purely to solicit a reaction, yet there's only a small chance the person that sent this will actually ever see (or read, for that matter) my response, I'm not a gossip blog, nor am I the place people come for hard-hitting discussions on issues like racism, antisemitism, homophobia/transphobia, sexism, misogyny, ableism, or any of the other awful human-made categories of hate that plague us. I'm a fantasy blog--hence the fact that I do fictional as well as real person ships. But, I do occasionally post stuff about the real lives of the people that I include in this fantasy blog--that's what the tag "real life real people" is. It's for others to filter if they want. That's why I tag those kinds of posts in such a way. (Alba is also always tagged, filter that way, too, if you like). I occasionally post that kind of stuff because sometimes, it's fun to post about the real lives of these people I have a parasocial relationship to. And its fun to have somewhere for people to express their excitement of/for those people. Personally, I'm much more partial to allowing excitement than negativity. It's my space, I do curate it extensively.

That being said, yes, I'm white. I'm a man, and I'm mostly straight-passing unless I deliberately out myself to others. I have a lot of privileges. I won't and don't deny that.

Nor will I deny that I haven't done really any research on Alba--the tags for her and Chris these days are nearly always full of hate or extensive theories when I check them, so... I avoid them. It's my peragotive to mostly stay out of the tags, though. I know that. I don't know Alba. For that fact, I don't know Chris. All I have to go off of is appearances. I do hope they're happy. They're just people. I also hope she's not still saying the awful, harmful things she has in the past--leaning to your side, and assuming that there are receipts. I hope she's listening and learning.

As far as posting her nudes to her Instagram--she's a grown woman. It's her body, her account, and the internet has always had places that are unsafe for children. She doesn't control who follows her, and she's famous. Many people follow her. I don't assume she wanted children to stumble across those photos. And if they did, that truly sucks. Children being unwantedly exposed to sexual content is not to be taken lightly. I can see how damaging that might be (God knows I've had a shit ton of experiences like that myself, from my younger years with even less protections on social media) even while holding the overarching opinion that bodies are bodies and nudity shouldn't be so sexualized as it is in our puritanical society. Although, yes, of course, nude photos intended to be sexually charged are much different to bodies being bodies.

While I'm very unsure that you will see this, let alone read it, I will conclude this post saying that this is as much as I want to post about this: I understand the underlying frustration you have, and I hear you. I do. I could--I can do much more to be a better ally as a white man to dismantling racist systems and holding racist people accountable. I am always trying, truly. However, for the purpose of this blog, I don't want to engage further.

Thank you.

[sliptohk]

Prompt #30: Amity

Hunched over the workbench, Fen raised her goggles even as her right eye slid closed. It was always a disorienting change, the flash of aether bursting into view with all the shifting shapes and colors that threatened to empty her belly if given time enough to overwhelm the miqo'te's senses. She would not need quite so long as that for the simple task before her. Fingers tracing the circuit from point to point, ensuring that the flow of energy was neither obstructed nor misdirected by the design holding the conductive pieces in place.

It had become a common enough practice that the engineer was quite capable of holding a conversation while working.

"It surprises me that you can sleep so soundly when you craft such dreadful things, Qata. Does it not bother you that your creations can be used to such detrimental effect to other denizens of our star?"

An ear flicked in response to that question, the young mage nearly scoffing in response, "I have seen you build weapons, Fen! Are you sleep deprived as those thoughts fill your daylight house?"

The tinker gave a dismissive sound of their own, "That is not the same! One could buy weapons anywhere, mine are works of art! Possessed of a unique flare to make them stand apart, one could not simply put my techniques to use in crafting them in great quantities!"

"Exactly!" Both ears flapped now in excitement, "The Alacran craft their poisons, woefully simplistic, if effective, as they may be! Alchemist and herbalist do much the same! My hands cannot flood this star on their own even if I were inclined to lower myself to such a base expression of my expertise!"

There was a quiet thump, as Qata had most likely been trying to raise her hands to flap about in enthusiastic emphasis for her words. A faint sloshing sound followed as they settled once again. Fen glanced across toward the Ooja. Her face at least, as the rest was submerged in a rather tightly sealed water drum. The two locked eyes for some time, before the conversation continued. Neither opting to acknowledge the odd circumstances they presently found themselves in.

"There should be something said for the nature of what has been crafted, not simply the prevalence of it. Can you argue that your mixtures are not explicitly designed to do harm? I could develop lovely little replicas should I so wish. Could the same be said for your… art?"

"Ah!" A rattle of displeasure as the small miqo'te wriggled about in their cage, "You said it so derisively! Its no less worthy of respect than the lifelong works of another!"

"Debatable, but in the interest of civility I retract any perceived disdain."

Qata was too naive to grasp sarcasm, continuing on with a satisfied nod, "Then I shall answer! Your pursuits favor the form just as highly as the function - so its quite possible for you to focus entirely on only one aspect should you desire. As mine exists solely due to the function I wish to explore it cannot be complete in any other fashion. But! I do not intend for them to simply be an agent of discomfort-"

"Agent of agony, the repetition makes it sound more poetic."

"Why does that matter? Regardless! They are learning aids to explore the way the body responds to foreign influence. And I tend to use them on myself! At least until I am confident in their degree of lethality."

Fen arced a red eyebrow, "Which would be?"

"What? The degree? None. Why should I want another to die? That would be a waste of both specimens!"

"Spoken tend to dislike being referred to as specimens."

"And you keep trying to refer to them as victims!"

"Unapologetically!"

"Release me! I want to storm out in dramatic disapproval!"

The Lohro woman wrinkled her nose, before giving denying that request with a firm shake of her head. Braids swinging from the energetic display. "No. Absolutely not. You will wait another couple bells, I have no idea just what you were doing with those skunks but you will not be tracking that aroma through here. Just let the bath finish its work."

"But I have so much work to do!"

"Behave and I will even spoon feed you a bowl of stew."

"… two bowls."

"If we continue our discussion."

Qata gave an assertive twitch of the ears. It was difficult to limit the entirety of expression to only them and her face, but she did the best she could. "Very well, but I keep telling you its easier to understand if you take a sample. Just make sure you let me out first for the sake of safety!"

"Yours or mine?"

"Both."

[slyandthefamilybook]

Years ago, when I first joined tumblr, I posted some gun control posts and immediately my posts were brigaded by the gunblr community. But at the time, I didn’t know what gunblr even was, so for a period of time I just thought that my opinion was unpopular and in the minority. But once I learned what gunblr was (gun nuts who value guns above all else), it helped me gain a broader understanding and know that I was not alone nor in the minority in my opinions on gun control. That all said to say this: I absolutely agree with your point about using the word Zionist sparingly, lest you might be mistaken for a white nationalist … BUT … I worry that if we do not openly discuss *what* Zionism is, people will be misled into believing that anti-Zionism is the same as antisemitism, when it is not. I try not to overly use the word for the reasons you mentioned, but it is not a slur or a bad word. It’s a descriptive adjective. We HAVE to be able to honestly name things so that people aren’t ignorant and easily manipulated. That conversation *should* always be informed by Jewish scholars (and others!) who are knowledgeable and best understand Zionism, but I don’t believe that that discussion should be reserved ONLY for learned scholars. Whew. It’s definitely a tough topic to easily broach. No harm or disrespect intended. I value your opinion.

I absolutely agree that Zionism should be open to discussion. I think I even clarified that in that post

unfortunately, I do think Zionist has become a slur. this is to say nothing of Zionism one way or another, but it's become so dissassociated from its actual meaning (like how people will say "oh faggot isn't a slur, it means a bundle of sticks!". like, no, not the way people use it it doesn't).

When goyim call someone a Zionist, they're not saying "this person believes in Zionism (/ˈzaɪənɪzəm/; Hebrew: צִיּוֹנוּת Ṣīyyonūt, Hebrew pronunciation: [t͡sijo̞ˈnut]; derived from Zion) is a nationalist[fn 1] movement that emerged in the 19th century to enable the establishment of a homeland for the Jewish people in Palestine,[3][4][5][6] a region roughly corresponding to the Land of Israel in Jewish tradition." People who absolutely don't associate with Zionism (like myself) get called Zionists for talking about antisemitism, or Hamas' war crimes. No consideration is given for what the person actually believes (similar to how people will call Elon Musk a TERF despite him not being a feminist, let alone a radical one)

This is anecdotal, but I was once hanging out with a woman who, apropos of nothing, asked "Hey, are you a Zionist?", solely becuase she knew I'm Jewish. I had to hurriedly explain to her that while I supported the right of Jewish people to live in Israel, I didn't support the Israeli government or the IDF. (That situation reminded me a lot of when I was working at a pizza place and this old lady standing at the counter waiting for her order asked if I was "antifa" because I had blue hair)

political labels can be useful shorthand, but they should not replace nuanced discussion

[strangeswift]

I think the interesting aspect of byler community is how much people can reach especially when it comes to creating stuff to attribute to Mike's character such as his nonexistent connection to Max, his nonexistent connection to Eddie and his nonexistent issues like him having ED or OCD or active suicidal tendencies. People literally come up with made up stuff to attribute to Mike's character so much to the point Mike literally became an entire different character than his canon self already. The thing is, people dont act like it's just a headcanon thing. They act like those things actually exist in canon. It's one thing to have HC but it is another thing to act like those things actually are real and insisting on it when people point out the actual truth.

No, Mike doesn't have a bestie-annoyed relationship with Max. They barely talked to each other and most of the times they talk to each other they just dislike each other. No, just bc Max and Mike tried to help each other in S3 doesnt mean they have a genuine relationship. Max has the loosest relationship to Mike and Will at this point in the story. She is closest to El and Lucas, then Dustin, then Mike and Will. And no, Mike and Max arent the same characters on different fonts. They dont talk in S4 despite literally going to the same highschool in contrast to Max and Dustin actually talking to each other and being in the same scene. Mike doesnt even have a conversation with Max after seeing her nose bleed. Wouldnt it have been great to see Mike genuinely worried for her that he asks her what happened in one scene or something?

And no, Mike doesnt have a special relationship with Eddie, the show barely emphasized it at all. Had no reaction to Mike finding out he died. Literally nothing. The person who actually has a relations to Eddie is only Dustin. Mike isnt connected to Eddie on that personal level. Sure, he will be sad when he learns that Eddie died but people genuienly thinking there is a narrative that builds up something important for Eddie and Mike's dynamic and some queer gay angst in the next season is genuinely doesnt make any sense. Eddie is stated to die for Dustin's arc. Mike idolized Eddie but that's about it. Mike's character isnt connected to Eddie throughout S4, he isnt even there when Eddie died nor did he learn that Eddie died at the end of the show. That was for Dustin's character and the show emphasized that specifically.

No, Mike doesnt have multiple issues like ED, OCD and active suicidal tendencies you made up. He is traumatized and is obviously struggling with things, but just coming up with stuff and issues to attribute to his character when those things just dont exist in his character is actually actively harmful to the real people who suffer from those things.

I've always avoided using words like 'reaching' when describing some of the theories the community comes up with but honestly it is kinda getting weird regarding how people can actually reach and make up things about a narrative and a character then act like it's not a headcanon but actually something that genuinely exists within canon.

Hi anon!

Oooh. Okay. That's a lot. I shall break it down.

"The thing is, people dont act like it's just a headcanon thing. They act like those things actually exist in canon. It's one thing to have HC but it is another thing to act like those things actually are real and insisting on it when people point out the actual truth."

I think it's important to point out that some people don't act like it's a HC. Many people have HCs that they don't try to claim are canon. For example: In my mind Mike has ADHD, because I have ADHD and I see myself in some of his behaviors. But it's just a HC, and I treat it as such. In fact, I've never even talked about it on here. I keep it to myself 🤷‍♀️

But I do understand and agree with your statement that some people are asserting that their interpretations are canon and are undoubtedly what the writers intended, which is misguided and a bit arrogant.

"...his nonexistent connection to Max, his nonexistent connection to Eddie and his nonexistent issues like him having ED or OCD or active suicidal tendencies."

There is some nuance there though because you can also present canonical "evidence" for a HC without asserting that your interpretation is canon. Like for example, if I made a post compiling moments that Mike displayed what could be interpreted as ADHD symptoms in order to support my HC that Mike has ADHD, but I didn't say that Mike definitely has ADHD in canon. That wouldn't be out of line in my opinion.

TW ED + Suicidal tendencies mentioned

Okay, so some of these things there is canon evidence for and some of these things there is not. I'll get into which ones I think do have canon evidence further down in my response, but basically, Mike doesn't have a "nonexistent" connection to Eddie or Max.

On platonic Madwheeler:

"No, Mike doesn't have a bestie-annoyed relationship with Max. They barely talked to each other and most of the times they talk to each other they just dislike each other."

Full disclosure I have platonic Madwheeler brainrot so I'm going to overexplain this whole part and also turn into this guy a little bit:

(But this guy was fucking right so...)

No, Mike and Max aren't "besties" in canon, but they are friends.

Max tried very hard to befriend Mike in S2. Mike wasn't receptive because he didn't want to feel like they were replacing El. Even so, Max kept being kind to him and kept trying to be his friend. And Mike began to let his guard down in the gym scene where she was skating around him. He was laughing with her. He rushed to help her up and asked if she was alright, sounding very concerned. Here watch the scene, start at 2:00. Once he felt El's presence then the guilt came rushing back, and it reinforced his feelings of not wanting to "replace" El.

(See! He's smiling! You can see it better in the scene. Anyway, coincidence? I THINK NOT!)

In S3, Max defends Mike several times to the party. For example, when Mike and El leave early when the party is going to set up cerebro and Max says, "It's romantic."

It's not until Max realizes Mike is treating El poorly that she becomes hostile with him. And Mike is just being defensive at that point.

"No, just bc Max and Mike tried to help each other in S3 doesnt mean they have a genuine relationship. Max has the loosest relationship to Mike and Will at this point in the story. She is closest to El and Lucas, then Dustin, then Mike and Will."

Just because we don't see interactions between characters doesn't mean that those interactions aren't implied. For example, we don't see Max and Will interact at all really, but we see them hug at the end of Season 3 before the Byers leave, implying that they are friends.

"And no, Mike and Max arent the same characters on different fonts."

I meann. That's kind of a joke. But Mike and Max do share a lot of traits. They're both confrontational, both loyal, both care a lot about El, both tend to push people away at times, etc. They also just have similar vibes. And they both relate to This Is Me Trying by Dr. Taylor Swift, which is important. Write that down.

"They dont talk in S4 despite literally going to the same highschool in contrast to Max and Dustin actually talking to each other and being in the same scene."

Just because we don't see interactions between characters doesn't mean that those interactions aren't implied!! Max stands next to Mike, not Dustin, at the pep rally.

(See. She's standing next to him. Do you see??Coincidence? I THINK NOT!)

"Mike doesnt even have a conversation with Max after seeing her nose bleed. Wouldnt it have been great to see Mike genuinely worried for her that he asks her what happened in one scene or something?"

Max's nosebleed scene happens in the middle of a dramatic realization flashback sequence, having Mike ask if she was okay would have messed up the pacing and tension of the scene. You can watch the scene in this video (at 5:55) to see what I'm talking about. That being said, they do make a point to make Mike look concerned!

(It's easier to see if you just watch the scene, but he does look concerned. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!)

Moving on to Eddie:

"And no, Mike doesnt have a special relationship with Eddie, the show barely emphasized it at all."

"Mike idolized Eddie but that's about it."

I agree that they probably didn't have a close relationship. It doesn't really bother me when people interpret it as though they did or HC that they did, but there isn't conclusive canonical evidence for them having a close relationship. I don't think whether or not Mike had a close relationship with Eddie is integral to the interpretation of his character in general, so people can think what they want. And I will say the fact that Mike idolized Eddie does mean that Eddie was important to Mike, I just don't think think they were close.

"Had no reaction to Mike finding out he died. Literally nothing. The person who actually has a relations to Eddie is only Dustin. Mike isnt connected to Eddie on that personal level. Sure, he will be sad when he learns that Eddie died but people genuienly thinking there is a narrative that builds up something important for Eddie and Mike's dynamic and some queer gay angst in the next season is genuinely doesnt make any sense. Eddie is stated to die for Dustin's arc. Mike idolized Eddie but that's about it. Mike's character isnt connected to Eddie throughout S4, he isnt even there when Eddie died nor did he learn that Eddie died at the end of the show. That was for Dustin's character and the show emphasized that specifically."

Generally agree. Eddie's not gonna be a big part of Mike's arc Season 5 like he will be with Dustin's. He'll be, as Jonathan and Argyle would say, a blip. If anything.

I do think Mike would be pretty significantly affected by Eddie's death because he did idolize him. I think the fact that he idolized him specifically as an anticonformist role model and now he's dead (and considered a murderer because of his anticonformist tendencies) would probably fuck with Mike a bit. But I don't even know if the Duffers will bother to explore this with Mike, and if they do it will be very minor. Especially considering how badly they neglected Eddie's character even while he was still alive.

TW FOR ED AND SUICIDAL TENDENCIES

On Mike's mental health:

"No, Mike doesnt have multiple issues like ED, OCD and active suicidal tendencies you made up. He is traumatized and is obviously struggling with things, but just coming up with stuff and issues to attribute to his character when those things just dont exist in his character is actually actively harmful to the real people who suffer from those things."

I agree that the writers very likely didn't intend for Mike to be interpreted as having any of these issues. (Yes, including suicidal tendencies.)

I don't think HCs about Mike having OCD, ADHD, Autism, etc. are harmful at all. I don't find that to be actively harmful toward real people who suffer with those things. The only way I could see them being harmful is if people were actually saying it in a derogatory way, which I have not seen.

The ED and suicidal tendencies are a little more complicated. Here's my thoughts on the Mike ED discourse, debunking the Mike ED theory and explaining why that interpretation/HC is potentially harmful. I think similar issues to the ones I expressed in that post could arise with the interpretation of Mike having suicidal tendencies.

I don't personally think the Duffers intended Mike jumping off a cliff to be interpreted as suicidal tendencies. I think it was meant to show that Mike would do anything for his friends, to a fault.

I do however, think that many of Mike's canonical traits are indicative of mental illness. None of us are mental health professionals though, and he is also fictional, so for those reasons, conclusively ascribing any specific diagnoses to him doesn't make sense. It's fine for people to have their HCs though, as I have mine.

"I've always avoided using words like 'reaching' when describing some of the theories the community comes up with but honestly it is kinda getting weird regarding how people can actually reach and make up things about a narrative and a character then act like it's not a headcanon but actually something that genuinely exists within canon."

Agree, some people do this.

In conclusion, mostly agree? Except keep Madwheeler out ya mouth. /hj

[alternamarian]

Lord, are these your real terms?

A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

I haven't been able to watch Ant-Man: Quantumania. I was hoping that would be the first movie I'd see, after the restrictions. But, for obvious reasons, I haven't been able to. I could joke about having to wait for MCU X-Men; but that really is quite a long time away.

Yes, I've seen the cartoons. They're no masterpiece of animation, I doubt the arbiters of such titles would include the series among the greats. But I like questions presented in the show: would a character, with the power to make the right choice, actually make the right choice? Because clearly having powers did not guarantee that. Nor did it prevent anyone from harming others, just because it was possible. I mean the whole laying the Earth to waste could be fun; I can't really say, having never actually done so (and I suppose I'll be told I'm denying myself the right to explore my potential with all this self-restraint).

I haven't seen all the seasons, though, so I'm not as knowledgeable as a Proper Fan™ ought to be. I'd always tried to get the homework done before watching, but homework kept piling up. As a reward for completing schoolwork, I'd get more schoolwork. So I had to stop watching. Even reading as pastime became an increasingly occasional thing.

But I accepted that. I thought I was preparing myself, building towards the potential to good. The particulars were unknown, but I intended to do good. — Not only to excel, but do good, and not only in terms of a specific vocation. I intended to be good, to help others, for their sake as well as His, and be pleasing to Him.

And now what have I for my efforts? Where is the fruit of the poor, obscure, plain and little servant? No hundredfold yield here: no sixtyfold harvest, not even thirtyfold. Nothing much to see but a failure and a fraud:

He that is faithful in that which is least, is faithful also in that which is greater: and he that is unjust in that which is little, is unjust also in that which is greater.

— The Gospel of Saint Luke (Chapter 16, Verse 10)

And I can accept that, too. I am a fallen sinner, full of flaws, and I can accept — or at least I think I can — that my suffering is necessary for cleansing and growth. If the little I have must also be taken away ... well, I don't think I have the strength to oppose that. But what of those who have become great and accomplished, gaining all manner of exemplary achievements, and showing no love for God or their fellow creatures? What makes their sins permissible? Will they all learn what they need to learn before they die? Is their repentance assured, and mine isn’t? Is that why they are allowed to flourish, and I am not? Grace for them, but not for me?

But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? [...] silence [...].

I don’t believe Our Lord predestines anyone to hell. That is not what the Church teaches. Nevertheless — what now? I still feel sad, lonely, and tired; I am still weak and sinful. One little slip, one tiny crack, could make my cup of sorrow runneth over.

[arcsigils2]

Hello friend. Big big fan of your work. I hope I'm not asking for a repeat here --

Would you be able to make a sigil for reclaiming your own mind (Specifically to ward intrusive thoughts, or to be able to dissociate/daydream creatively without the thoughts getting steered off course)?

I hope I'm phrasing this in a way that makes sense. In recent years, I've found that bad memories and stress have taken up more space in my head than my creative thoughts. I would like something to help me feel like I am the one steering the ship, ya know?

(also, are you comfortable with people getting these tattooed? If so, do you mind if I stylize it a little?)

Thank you in advance, and for all that you do!

No. Bad wording. I cannot make a sigil that requires itself to fulfill 2 opposite and polarizing effects, it will simply cancel itself.

also

I mind people getting sigils as Tattoos period.

Why? Because people dont know what the fuck they are doing when they brand their own skin with a magical construct that cannot be removed easily. If one is a seasoned mage, who have the skills and knowledge to back it up, who knows what they are doing, then I really dont give a damn.

But everyone who asks about this to me, is definitely not.

Because, to begin with, why the hell is a Mage is out here using a ready-made, store-bought magical construct, from someone they dont even know, regarding a magical skill that they can learn and improve themselves, and then do it on their own.

How do You know that I, the maker of these sigils, will not fuck you up someday because I am Linked and Connected to these sigils, you are using a specific design, that I created, that I released into the world, that I, actually can, if I actually wanted, can Call Back the magic that resides in these sigils and the magic of the mage that decided to tattoo it on their skin, back to me.

Can you stop me from doing that? Are you skilled enough to stop me from doing that? Are you powerful enough to stop me from doing that? Are you even sensitive enough to even realize someone is doing that????

You ever thought about that?

The crux of the matter is actually not what if I want to take advantage of people, (because this Sigil blog and my Divination blog, was created as an Offering to my gods so it must follow the standards and regulations they have set or else it would stop become an offering) but sigils, in the first place, even if its not tattooed on someone can, and will, degenerate in time.

to quote myself:

while I CAN make you a sigil, I must warn that placing a permanent sigil on your body is a Very Bad idea, it can become corrupted (no longer works as intended) it can backfire (causing you more harm than good) it can drain you (absorbs your mental/physical/magical energy to fuel itself) and it cannot be removed easily nor can it be disabled easily.

It is still a magical construct, regardless if its Low Magick or Basic or Too Simple, its magic, and magic can turn to shit, just like the sparks can set a house on fire, or a cigarette can burn down a forest. It can happen. It did happen. It will happen again.

and so the question falls back to you, the mage, the caster, are you Good Enough, Prepared Enough, Skilled Enough to deal with your magic?

if you do, then by all means darling, do what the fuck you want.

[thesillylittlecircusfreaks]

I fucking love Ragatha. Even as my "least favorite character" I still wildly adore her.

But I also love actively being so fucking antisocial about her. Partly cause she also reminds us of our girlfriend and we like to poke fun at her.

Our girlfriend loves it a lot. It's our dynamic tbh. Me being an antisocial cunty ass bitch and she's just there not being able to deny anything I say because I love calling her out for all her little trauma behaviors.

Twirling her hair and kissing her cheek in my head as I think about it. (Cause she's asleep RN and also in another fucking state.)

I also love how much our girlfriend loves us being a little antisocial bitch. Struggling to empathize and unable to care about what's going on? Fucking finds it adorable.

She was crying and it startled me and I went "Ew gross, you're crying, wtf do I do? I don't know what to do." And it made her laugh and smile. I wasn't expecting her to be crying, it freaked me tf out cause it hadn't occured to me she would be crying over us being stressed and it caught me by surprise. I felt so bad when I said "ew, gross" cause I fucking love her, but it was my first thought and I spatted it out without thinking lol.

But it just makes us happy that she can hear us say we literally do not care and would rather be doing other things and just ✨know.✨

Like yeah. I don't give a fucking shit about your interest, but I like hearing you talk about it. Because you're happy. And that means something to me.

Or like. I cannot even pretend to care about your emotions and I'm frankly very uncomfortable. But tell me what to do to help and I will do it. Because I hate seeing you sad.

Like when her dog died suddenly (cause of shitty vet not identifying it as cancer) and she was there crying and so heartbroken. And we just stared and had to say "Listen. I know you're upset. But we literally cannot feel anything like you about it and we kind of don't care. I don't see a point to crying over something already dead. So if you need me to do something, tell me. Because I cannot tell myself." And then also getting her a shiny pokemon that matches the color of his collar and was the same species (Doberman, shiny houndour) for her to name it after the big boy.

Truth is I just get weird around grief. I'm autistic but also very much learned my emotions weren't "correct." So like. I kind of process things later as well. It's one thing that puts me at risk, I can't tell the danger or be aware of it until way after. So even though I was very heartbroken over it and it crushed me, my response was to shut down. They're dead already, why does it matter? And I ended up feeling it later and being super heartbroken over it for like a week.

Our girlfriend knows how we can be. And they know that we never intend harm. So when joking about Ragatha and stuff, they know it's light hearted and fun. To me, that is a show of love. That I care about you enough to know what you like, to know when someone is like them, to care enough to help them be better. And our girlfriend seldom is upset by it. But if I ever do go too far without realizing it then they tell me. And I will try my best to apologize.

Cause yeah, I can hurt her. I don't process things nor think the same as her. And we both have triggers. But if he lets me know, I often ask what will help him feel better. And then I do it with all of my love. Cause to me, they're an exception person. I would be worse without them and my symptoms get a bit better with them around.

So even with Ragatha being "annoying" to me and the kind of person I hate (a people pleaser) cause of being hurt by it in the past (despite also being a horrible people pleaser T.T), I still love and adore her. Cause to my head, she's like my girlfriend. And she can still be better. And I want to see her be better. Cause she's still as important as the other characters. I relate to her the least and like her the least so I value her less than the others, but I do still largely cherish her.

Plus I love character writing a lot. I don't gotta like or love a character or 100% relate to them to be fascinated by them. Writing is a special interest of mine and making/writing characters is something I love to analyze and dissect. So yes. All the characters are my individual case studies that I analyze and will rant about in large paragraphs to my girlfriend about all the time.

[seolblogs]

Blog 1: Introduction

Hello! In English, my name is Seolbin Hong. I have no middle name nor an “English” name. In Korean, my name is written as 홍설빈. When I lived in America, my name started to change its pronunciation from a upward, sharp tone of “sul” to a downward, rounded “sole” sound. My identity started to change, or some might say “take shape”. For 15 years, whenever I took a new class, I would know when my name was next on the roster for attendance. The teacher would start roll call with the names that began with A, then would tread down the list until they took a breath of hesitance for my name. After their breath, they would begin trying to read out my name phonetically like  “Seeaaaaa-oleeeee-bbb???”, while darting their eyes around the classroom for the student, in which I would raise my hand quietly, and when recognized, pronounce my name for them. It didn’t bother me because they meant no harm. But, in the couple days that I was here studying at Yonsei University, I’ve come to realize that taking attendance had actually made me anxious, that I would always hold my breath when it came near my name. I would often have to decipher if the teacher was trying to pronounce my name, I learned to speak up for myself and identity from a young age.

But now, at age 20, attending a Korean university, the professors would say my name with such ease and quickness that I almost missed it even when I was alert. They read my name as it was intended by my parents and I felt happy. I felt at ease. This was a small realization I’ve had recently, but it defines who I am: Someone proud of my culture and heritage, but someone who also has experienced troubles with identity.

I always like to reflect on my experiences and analyze them. I like comparing the different ways people/companies approach the same situation. I like learning new ways to be creative and learning about what works and what doesn’t and then applying it. Beyond concepts and information, I like understanding how experience is curated and catered to the audience, the human experience!, whether it is intended or not and whether it is at a micro level or a macro level. During this time in Korea, I’ve also observed many of my American classmates experiencing what I’ve experienced for a long time for the first time, where their name was met with inexperience. And it makes me think of people like me in America and what I can do to help connect different groups of people together through technology as a Computer Science major.

Names are important, it provides meaning and connection, which is why people say that you should not name a stray animal, lest you get attached to it. You’re called a certain name by the people you love, and with that, your name starts to represent more than yourself but the people you’re intertwined with. My name is important to me too, but I wonder if I’ve come to downplay significant things in my life and expect people to be unfamiliar with me, who I am and what I represent by allowing them to change the pronounciation of my name. And I wonder how that affects the inclusivity provided by services, people and groups in America towards people like me. While I understand that not everything can be catered to, I wonder about how design can be improved to better understand the current world and the people in it and to help them. Like in the introduction of the post-LLM HCI class, we can’t always design how someone will feel. But, the more sensitivity and understanding of context that we have for one another, the more likely it is that the individual will feel more comfortable. I want to learn how to do this better, how to better design and plan for better user experience for more people, whether it begins with employee training or within development of the product/service that moderates this experience.

Some more background information about me is that I grew up in Hawai’i, though I was born in South Korea. Both my parents are from South Korea, and we moved with a couple of relatives from my dad’s side. I’m conversationally fluent in Korean since my parents didn’t have much background knowledge in English when they moved, so my older brother and I would always speaking Korean at home. Growing up, I really liked pokemon and video games (more so mario, pokemon and wii games rather than fps shooter type games). My MBTI is ambiguous because I’m nearly split 50/50 on all four categories. I like to laugh and make conversations and friends. But I also reallyyyyyyyy love being at home. I could stay in the house for a really long time as long as I have food, a bathroom/shower and wifi. I love couches. I’m also not really sporty but I like music, cooking and the art of creation. I know how to play around 7 instruments and have tried many artistic hobbies (illustration, whittling, stitching, felting, etc). And, currently, I’m a Junior Computer Science major in California.

Because of my field of interest, from this course, I would like to understand more about how to design products/processes better, with a more accurate understanding of my target audiences. I also hope to adopt better skills in research to better contextualize and select my target audience, assess their needs in today’s current world and also adapt myself for possible changes in the future. One of my aspirations is to create my own game, and also work on other applications/websites to provide better and easier services for user experience. I would also like to help services become more inclusive towards the older generations and to different languages in America by working with existing, widely-used companies. I believe that beyond machinery/technology, AI should be used to help people and if we take the time and effort to ask the community around us for their input, we will better be able to care for one other, and that's what matters to me.

[theautibrainproject]

I feel like I keep making mistakes.

Yesterday, I had stuff happen that soured my mood and turned my day upside down. I cried in bed, asking myself why I was so stupid. Why did I even tell a friend anything? Why am I struggling so much when I thought I had finally found my people? Why was I so stupid to trust anyone as much as I do?

Losing two friends due to my behaviour made me realise that either I'm the most closed off from the world type of person, or my Autism simply makes it impossible to have meaningful friendships. Either way, I now view myself as the most toxic person. I rather cut ties with all my friends. For their own good. Not mine. To save them from whatever mistake I make next. Because I feel like I'm too toxic. I feel like I'm a bad person, that people don't want me in their lives anymore. I wouldn't blame them if that was the truth.

I didn't realise some unspoken rules are ever present in friendships. That some things are just not-done. I realised some friends will cut you off regardless. They'll cut you off, for smallest of reasons. With that I mean… They'll cut you off for reasons that may not seem important to you but are to them. To them, the reasoning for cutting you out of their life, is important for their health. Mental and physical. Because mental health can affect your physical health and something I'm starting to learn is that setting boundaries is important as well.

I think I need to set my own boundaries. Tell people I will not ask their permission to be happy with whatever person. Tell people I need to learn my own lessons in life, not be prevented from learning them. Tell friends I need time away when I need time away and to only contact me when important. That I'll be cutting people off as well. Simply because they don't benefit my mental health. Being their friend does more harm to me than good. When I have such a friend, I'll be cutting them off. Probably too late. But, I'll be doing it anyway.

But I also realised, that I'm so prone to getting into drama and fights, simply because I don't understand certain things. Certain rules. Most of my friendships are unbalanced. I give too much. It overwhelms people. I don't intend on overwhelming them. I don't wish to overwhelm them. But I end up pushing people away. I end up destroying friendships. I'm too blame this time and I feel terrible. I feel like I'm set out to destroy friendships left and right. I hate it. I thought about deleting everything. But I just need to shift my focus. I need to focus on different things. Different people. Letting others go and not enter their life again. If they chose to walk away, cut me off or end a friendship in any other way; I don't need to be in their life again.

As much as it may hurt me, it'll do me good in the long run as well. Because, friends come and go. Not a single friendship is permanent. One day you can be close, the next you're practically strangers.

Autism and any form of relationship is tough. Especially if you're like me. You make a ton of mistakes. Trying to find your footing, and losing friends in the process. You have no idea what unspoken rules exist or what they are, but they matter. No one gave you: Friendship 101. No one told you or taught you the Girl Code. Why? You're assumed to know it all. by heart.

News flash! Autistic people don't get the manual to life and friendships wired inside their brains once they're born. I didn't have any meaningful friendships until 2 years ago. Now? Some are gone. Others are on the verge of ending.

I'm not perfect. Never will be. But I wish I had known all these rules before turning 28. Before being born. I won't lie. I did, really, want to cut ties. I really wanted to delete everything. Every social media. Every game. I just wanted to be gone. To disappear. To sink in a deep dark hole. Alas, the Earth didn't swallow me out of embarrassment. I didn't sink in a hole nor did I run away from the mistake I made. I went through it. I cried. I got angry. But I know I'm just… human.

[fandomcaseymix]

The Rising Star

Chapter Two: New World, New Name

Author's note: So, here comes the meeting...

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Okay, where should I start?

Firstly, it hurts to die. Ouch. And to realize that you died in such a stupid way is even more painful. Two times ouch.

Secondly, I woke up in an iron body. My first reaction was my loud screech of horror, but instead of the usual "AAAAAAAH!!!" there was a completely different sound. It was a fucking chirp mixed with some computer signals. So, my words "What the fuck?!" turned into "Chir-r-rup, beep?!" In addition, all sorts of squiggles kept flashing before my eyes, pardon, optics, which led to the first shocking discovery.

I'm on Cybertron.

It would be more accurate to say it was the second discovery. The first was my own body. Or my frame. I would have been glad to wake up in the body of some Cybertronian, even in the form of a protoform, but I was very disappointed. I ended up in the body of an animal. A very small animal. I was just tiny compared to the little Cybertronians. Okay, to hell with the tiny shape, but I never expected to become a GRIFFIN, damn you all...

That first day, I was freaking out for a while, stunned by the unexpected turn of fate. Then, having calmed down more or less and looked at myself, I was able to find my new look very good. My whole body was royal blue. On my head was a sky-blue tuft of five feathers and big cat ears. On the sides were funny "sideburns" that consisted of three sky-blue upturned spikes. Instead of a tassel on the tail, flexible spikes of sky-blue color stuck out, which bristled or folded with the power of my thought. The fingers of my cat's paws, my belly and the feathers of my wings were also sky blue. As for the color of my optics, I didn't know it. There were no mirrors on my way, unfortunately.

Oh, it took me a long time to get used to the wings, especially to learn how to fly. But I had to do it quickly, because the street does not spare weaklings and slowpokes. Yep, that's right: I woke up in some kind of Cybertron alley and had to live like a street animal.

Thanks a lot, Madam Fate. What a bitch you are.

And I also had a big white eight-pointed star shining on my chest. Strange design.

It wasn’t easy to survive. I often got kicks and been thrown at all sorts of objects from big iron freaks. At such moments, my small size proved to be a huge advantage, no pun intended. I was so nimble that these Cybertronians, from whom I stole energon, couldn’t hit me in any way. Neither by servos nor by the objects they were throwing at me. I was also cold. Very cold. It would seem that this shouldn't have bothered me, but... I was constantly freezing. I had to curl up into the smallest ball to preserve the warmth of my frame and sleep in all sorts of not very pleasant places.

For the most part, I was very lucky. I cheated as best I could and used my martial arts skills to trick the big bots and get myself a precious fuel. Compared to my previous life, being a street bum was much more difficult. Probably, many of us have been thinking about how cool it is to be a cat or a dog or any other pet. You are loved for nothing, you get free food and water every day, you’ll be scratched behind the ear and patted on the head. You sleep, eat, play and get affection from the owner. What a paradise!

Just one detail. If the cat is lucky to find an owner.

But there is also a downside to the coin. The world is full of abandoned animals, which, for example, people do a lot of harm to. Constant hunger, fighting with other animals for food, suffering from wounds or septicemia. Your life literally depends on your luck and skills, it can end literally today if you fail to get food. There are two ways: either die somewhere in an alley, or stumble upon some kind-hearted person who will pick up a tramp like you. That's just life.

This time my luck ran out. Not only was I hit by something big, but I also fell into a dumpster or some kind of it. While I was recovering and trying to crawl out of the smelly box, its lid slammed shut. I must have bumped into her when I was hit. It wouldn't have upset me much if it hadn't been for one thing...

This lid pinned my wing between itself and the edge of the container. And I'm not going to say how much it hurt, like hell. My piercing scream was very eloquent.

All that remained was to lie helplessly on a pile of garbage, wince at the stench of waste and rumbling in tanks and pain and wait for my end. I kept whining, chirping and squeaking, lamenting my unfortunate fate. The arguments about how I came to such a life were repeated over and over again. A party at Alex’s, a quarrel with Alex, a quarrel with Alice, a quarrel with Nata and my death under wheels. And so on in a circle. A party, three fights, death. A party, three fights, death.

At some point, I started whistling a tune. As it turned out, I can do that in this body. Moreover, my Cybertronian whistle was almost no different from my human whistle. Except that it looked like a sound processed by an autotune.

"Here's a little song I wrote,

You might want to sing it note-for-note

Don't worry, be happy..."

I loved music and singing, but, alas, the structure of my systems did not allow me to sing. Although my processor understood that I was singing, my ears instead of words heard the same sounds as always. Chirp, beep, whistle, blip, tweet, eep and so on. Just wonderful. Apparently, this is due to the fact that the soul of a human, who, moreover, is from another world, was reborn in the body of a Cybertronian. It is quite reasonable that I did not understand my own speech. However, I understood the bots I was running away from. Although, maybe it's because I'm a Cybertronian beast, which, theoretically, is dumber than Cybertronians as the dominant species? Hmm, it's interesting, but I'm definitely not a dumb animal that can only be taught to follow commands and respond to its name.

When I got to the middle of the second verse, the lid suddenly slowly opened. Rather, someone held it up to see where the sounds were coming from. I raised my head sharply, causing my tuft to perk up with interest. When my optics saw my unwitting savior, my gaze caught on his red and blue coloring. And I would have recognized those funny antennae and yellow stripes on the helmet anywhere. Optimus Prime himself stood in front of me in all his youthful glory.

Oh, for fuck's sake... Where did I get to? Into the world of Transformers Animated, fuck it! I don't even know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, because it was one of my favorite animated series among Transformers. I felt terribly sorry for poor Optimus, because before he crashed with his team to Earth, he was left without friends and was expelled from the Academy. I won't list it, but you know what I mean.

And judging by the fact that I ended up on Cybertron and met him, all those troubles that the series told us about have not happened to Optimus yet. It seems that I was incredibly lucky.

"Oh, you poor thing," Optimus cooed, giving me a pitying look. He slowly extended his servos towards me, clearly intending to take me in his hands. I flinched and tried to crawl away, but immediately chirped, hitting my damaged wing.

"Chirp..."

Optimus stopped, noticing my concern.

"Shhh, it's okay, little one, I won't hurt you," he said as he tried to convince me. "I want to help."

I lowered my ears and pressed the tuft to my head, fearfully hiding it in my shoulders.

"Chirrp..." I replied again, crouching down to the trash under me. My wing throbbed with pain and sparkled, crackling with static. I hissed. "Hiss..."

"Shh, easy, little one, you'll only make it worse for yourself," Prime spoke up, noticing my discomfort. "I want to help you. Will you let me?"

I turned my ears to his voice, and my tuft slowly lifted as a sign of surprise and interest. Once upon a time, I would have agreed without a second thought, screaming like crazy, because he was my idol. However, now, having suffered so much pain from bots and living on the street, there wasn't much enthusiasm. The thought that I might be harmed now flashed quickly, but then it disappeared. Seriously, this is Optimus! He wouldn't hurt a fly! Well, he will hurt in return if someone hurt him or his friends, hehe.

Noticing the change in my mood, Optimus beamed.

"That's it, well done," he held out the servo closer and gently scooped up my frame in his hands. When I got close to his chest plates, I noticed that in terms of size ratio, I was like a kitten in a human's arms.

My injured wing hung limply, which made me chirp softly in pain again.

"It's okay, little one, I got you," Optimus comforted me, hugging me closer to him. I raised my head to show that I was listening to him attentively. He added, "Now we will go to a place where you will get help. Your wing will be as good as new!"

I chirped, gratefully looking at him with my optics, and put my head on a part of his arm, I think, on his wrist. Oh, Optimus, you are an eternal optimist. You'll carry me here rather than we'll walk together to the place you're talking about. At some point, I managed to doze off, listening to the Prime’s sparkbeat. Although I felt more or less safe with him, I still kept my ears sharp. No matter how much I struggled with this animal coding, sometimes it was very useful. It doesn’t to sleep or recharge safely.

A slight movement made me open my optics again, but this time I lazily raised my head to look at Optimus. Noticing my slightly sleepy look, he smiled.

"Don't worry, you'll just be examined," the mech assured me, and carefully placed me on something that obviously served as a medical platform. I carefully got up on my paws, spreading my wings out of habit, and immediately squeaked when I felt a sharp pain and heard static.

Another bot, apparently a medic, touched my wing with incredible care, making me hiss softly.

"Calm down, little one, I just want to see what I have to deal with," he said firmly.

I chirped in compliance and squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't see what manipulations the bot was doing, but I almost didn't feel the pain. This mech is a real master of his profession! He obviously has a lot of experience fixing small robots, especially small ones like me. Come to think of it, my luck didn't turn its back on me for long. Yes, I fell into the tank and damaged my wing, but I was found by Optimus. Isn't that a plus? A huge one! Although... If I'm going to stay with him, that means...

Shit. What a mess I got into, that’s for sure. Not in the middle of things, but at the very beginning, but it didn't make me feel any better. I was a little scared that I was in that particular segment of the timeline, because I knew what would happen next and what everything would come to. Not very accurate, not to the smallest detail, of course not, but I more or less remember the main points. Perhaps if I come across some other small moments, I will remember the whole picture. Well, I'll have plenty of time to think.

"Done," the medic's voice rang out. I opened the optics and looked at my already repaired wing, covered with noticeable welding seams. The mech spoke again, "You'll have to do without flying for a while, little one, but soon you'll be able to fly like before."

I cocked my ears and chirped happily, tuft followed their example, displaying my emotions. The medic grinned and gently stroked the feathers on my head as if he had done it before.

"I didn't think there were any thorntails left," he said sadly, causing Optimus, as well as me, to be surprised.

"Thorntails? I'm sorry, but I've never heard of such a species," Prime said, puzzled. I turned my head, looking from him to the medic. What are thorntails? Is this what I am now? Hmm, considering that I do have thorns on my tail, the name quite speaks for itself.

"No wonder, young one. These creatures are very rare," the medic answered the question. He looked at my chest plate, scratched a little, removing the dirt, and smiled thoughtfully. "Well, you were lucky to come across a female. You must know, young mech, that thorntails are very loyal creatures. Besides, they are very smart."

At the words about being smart, I proudly lifted my head, squeaking with flattery.

"Loyal? How loyal are they?" Optimus asked, holding out the servo to me. I got up on my paws, approached the outstretched hand and rubbed my head against his digits, making it clear that I trusted him.

"Until the end of their functioning," the medic replied and smiled sadly. "If they lose their master, they won't bond with anyone else. Or they will bond, but it will be very long and hard."

"You know quite a lot about thorntails, sir," Optimus remarked and lightly scratched me behind the ear. I chirped with pleasure. God, how damn pleasant it is!

"That's right, young mech," the medic replied and somehow sighed sadly, making me look at him in surprise. The white-red mech had a sad expression on his face, and there was a small drop of nostalgia in his optics. Maybe this guy had encountered thorntails, so that's why he is so aware of them? Something must have happened to them, which is why he feels so sad. The medic continued, "During the Great War, I had a thorntail as my partner. His name was Axel. He was a nice mech, but he only talked when there was work that needed to be done. He was the one who told me everything I need to know about his species."

"What happened to him?" Optimus asked and scratched me under my beak. There was a sad sigh from the medic.

"He died in one of the fights," was his reply. "Axel protected me while I was helping the wounded bots."

"Oh... I'm sorry, sir," Optimus immediately apologized, looking at the medic with sympathy.

"No need, young mech," he shook his helm, smiling slightly.

Breaking away from the pleasure of scratching, I decided to approach the Cybertronian who fixed my wing. I rubbed against the palm of one of his servos, which he used to lean on the work platform. I chirped and looked sympathetically at the mech, touching his servos with both of my paws. I wanted to show that everything was fine, it wasn't his fault. His friend Axel clearly knew what he was doing because he was protecting him. And he definitely wouldn't want his partner to be so heartbroken and self-flagellating.

Out of the corner of my ear, I heard Optimus chuckle.

"Well, the thorntail doesn't think so," he said. Although I didn't see him, I imagined his smile.

"I see, young mech. It seems I can't stop talking, heh," the medic remarked with a grin and awkwardly rubbed his neck cables. I walked away from the mech, returned to Optimus and patted his forearm with my paw, squeaking.

"It's okay," Prime smiled, gently picking me up in his arms. I whistled in agreement and nodded my head.

"Ah, before you leave. Here, take this," the medic said and held out some kind of slab, it seems the bots called it datapads. Optimus looked at the Cybertronian with a slightly puzzled expression and, holding me in one servo, took the proffered object. The mech added, "Here are all the notes about the thorntails. You obviously need them more than me."

Optimus made a serious face and nodded.

"I'll write them down and return the datapad to you as soon as I can, sir," he said decisively, to which the medic shook his helm with a smile.

"Keep it for yourself, young mech. I don't need them," the mech looked at me, then at Prime. "Take care of her, my friend. This little girl is small, but she will make a good partner and a friend in the future."

"Thank you, sir."

After leaving the medical facility, Optimus walked in a direction unknown to me. I'm sure he'll go home to read all the information about the thorntails later, so that in the future he'll know what to do with me. Sure, I will survive on my own, but at least this way I am not in danger of being accidentally crushed by someone. The rhythmic rocking lulled me a little, but I didn't let myself fall asleep. I wanted to see all the beauty of Cybertron that we only came across on the way, and to imprint them forever in my memory. Now I understood why the Autobots missed this planet. It's probably hard when there's a house that you can't go back to, or you can't go back because of the lack of transportation. Oh, I'm homesick now.

Poor Dad... How hard it will be for him to go through this. First Mom, now me... I hope Alice doesn't act like a total bitch and supports him. Although, I don't think I'll be able to see it. The dead don't care anymore.

In the end, I didn't notice how I dozed off in the arms of the red and blue mech holding me. Optimus just let out a good-natured laugh, which I heard as I fell asleep. Apparently, I was so tired during the day that I fell asleep right away.

I wonder what will happen next.

***

The next day I woke up feeling hungry. For about five seconds, I was blinking my optics in confusion, not understanding where I was. High walls, soft lamplight and a comfortable platform on which I slept. And opposite there was another platform, a bigger one. And it was empty.

I tried to spread my wings. There were a couple of welding seams in the place of the second fold of my left wing, and any movement caused a slight unpleasant itch. Memories of the previous day instantly appeared in the processor. Right, I fell into a dumpster, my wing was crushed, Optimus pulled me out and took me to a medic who patched up the damage. And now I was in Prime's habsuite.

Gorgeous.

I got up on my paws and looked at myself. I still had dirty stains on me, and I also smelled like a dumpster. Well, I hope Optimus is still at home, otherwise I wouldn't want to walk around like a smelly bum. I wonder why he didn't bathe me when he came to his apartment, so to speak.

Ah, right. I fell asleep. Maybe he didn't want to wake me up.

Sighing, I looked down. It didn't seem very high, but I was afraid to jump. I rarely flew when I needed to get somewhere. Usually my wings helped me get somewhere, but the descent was carried out by planning. In fact, I've never suffered from acrophobia. I've always felt great at a big height. Usually, fear arose when I looked down and thought how far I would have to fall. It was only then that I felt real fear. But then it disappeared pretty quickly, as soon as I saw the beautiful landscape that was visible from a height.

Well, the planning down option is immediately discarded. I may be an animal, but I'm not stupid enough to make it worse for myself. Let's make some noise.

I approached the edge. Bracing my paws, I pushed off with my hind legs from the platform and landed with a resounding thud on the same metal floor. A surprised chirp escaped from my throat when my optics saw the huge door. I moved closer to it, hoping that she would open up, but... Nothing happened. Damn, now I'm locked in a compartment now, smelling like a scrapheap. Standing up on my hind paws, I began to scratch the door with my silver claws and chirp insistently. I had to shout quite loudly, because I didn't know exactly how thick this moving wall was.

About five minutes had passed when the door slid open, revealing Optimus standing behind it with a datapad in his servo. Surprise showed on his face.

"Oh, you're awake, little one," he rejoiced. I tweeted a greeting. Prime put the datapad away somewhere and picked me up in his hands. He smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry that you had to rest like this, I didn't want to wake you up. You've been recharging so charmingly.

"Chirr." I replied, as if to say that everything was fine. And the compliment about the charm made me put my ears to my head in embarrassment.

"Well, it's time to bathe you," Optimus said and went into another room, apparently to the washracks.

I was silent, looking curiously at my surroundings. I didn't get to see much, because my entire view was blocked by the Prime’s frame, so I had to wait. Entering the washracks, the red and blue bot turned some switches, and an unknown liquid poured into a cube the size of a large box. It didn’t look like water because of its strange color, somewhat resembling the color of blue ice. Nevertheless, for some reason I was able to understand that it was a cleansing liquid. Like our earthly water in the shower, only with added detergents. What? It’s convenient! No need to waste time on soaping up and then washing off the foam. It's all in one liquid.

When there was enough liquid in the cube, Optimus stopped filling it, touched it with his fingers and slowly lowered me into an improvised tub. Surprisingly, instead of the expected cold or coolness, I felt warm. It was so pleasant and relaxing that I couldn't hold back a squeak of pleasure, and then a purr came from my chest. A chuckle reached my ears.

"I see you like it, little one," Optimus said with a smile when I looked up at his voice. "The thorntails seem to like baths."

"Chirrup!" I chirped in agreement, putting myself under the gentle fingers of the red-blue mech. He grinned again and began to scrape off the stuck dirt and rid my body of an unpleasant smell. During the whole time of bathing, I kept hearing a satisfied whistle or chirp from me, causing the mech to smile. I liked the way he took care of me so much that my tail wagged almost at the speed of a propeller, spraying Optimus with cleaning liquid. He scolded me without malice, shaking off the drops of the liquid with a laugh.

When the bathing was over, Optimus took out a cube with a bright pink energon. No sooner had he opened it than my self-control abruptly left me. I began to curl around Prime's legs, chirping insistently, occasionally getting up on my hind legs and jumping with short whistles. I couldn't use the wings, even though I instinctively flapped them, so I had to make do with the rest of the body. For a moment, the thought flashed through the processor that I was behaving like a starved animal, but now I was almost dying of hunger. I didn't care how I behaved, I just wanted to eat.

"Whoa, take it easy, little one," Optimus exclaimed in surprise, shifting from one pede to the other in an attempt not to step on me.

I chirped again, demanding, but still sat down next to him, fidgeting impatiently on the floor. My tail wagged often, crackling softly, like a rattlesnake's rattle. Thanks to the folded spikes, a slightly menacing effect was created, but Prime didn’t react to it in any way. Either the sound didn’t frighten him in any way, or the gesture of the thorntails meant something positive. It would be necessary to study with him the datapad the medic gave.

"It looks like you're really hungry," Optimus noted, lowering a small cube, whose equivalent was a low glass, to the floor. I looked at the vessel with hungry optics, then turned my gaze to Prime, as if asking for permission. He grinned, nodding. "You can, little one. Just take your time, okay?"

I immediately dipped my beak into the nutrient liquid, greedily drinking every drop. I was hungry in the morning, so I ignored this advice. Sorry, dude, but of the two of us, only one lived on the street, eating shit. And it's definitely not you.

"Hey, hey, slow down, little one, you're going to choke!" Optimus tried to warn me, to which I hissed. However, instead of hissing, there was a dissatisfied gurgle. Of course, a couple of droplets got into my olfactory sensors, making me sneeze and snort. Prime looked at me with annoyance and sighed. "I’ve told you..."

I sneezed and squeaked, lowering my head guiltily.

"It's okay, little one, you were just hungry," Optimus said encouragingly, putting away the empty cube, and lifted me in his hands. "I can't imagine what it's like to live on the street and not get enough fuel. You've probably been through a lot."

Oh, OP, you better not know that, I thought, and raised my head, lifting my tuft of feathers as a sign of interest.

"But you're strong to be able to survive at such a young age," Prime smiled, stroking me between the ears.

For a moment, there was a screech of tires in my head, as if the car had braked sharply at full speed. Wait a slagging minute. I'm so small because I'm still a cub?! How much time have I spent on the street, living like a tramp? Not so much time? Or a lot of time, but because of lousy nutrition or lack of it, I didn’t grow up? Is that why I'm literally a kitten in his servo for Prime?

I repeat. Fate, you're just a heartless bitch.

I chirped with pleasure and purred again, rubbing my head against the palm of the mech as a sign of gratitude. I was sincerely glad that he was able to hear me and save me. In return, I wanted to help him in any way I could to repay him for saving my life. For example, to save Elita from the fate of a techno-organic, because no one wants to be poisoned by spiders and turned into a freak. Yeesh. As I recall, it gets creepy.

"Hmm," Optimus drawled thoughtfully, starting to scratch me behind the ear. I purred louder, covering my optics with pleasure. "You could use a name. I can't call you little one all the time, right?"

Distracting myself from scratching, I chirped in agreement, wagging my tail. Optimus's gaze fell on my chest plates, where a white eight-pointed star shone brightly. He was silent for a couple of minutes, apparently thinking about something, then smiled.

"How about... Aurora?" he suggested and stared at me with his attentive optics, waiting for my answer.

I thought about it. I didn't want to change my name because I liked my original one, given to me by my parents. I wanted to be outraged that I would never part with the proud name Gerda, but there was a problem: I couldn't talk. In the sense that someone understood me, but now no one understood me. The medic mentioned that Axel talked to him and they understood each other. Could the same thing happen to us?

Although, on the other hand, Aurora is not a bad name. If I remember correctly, it’s the ancient Roman goddess of dawn and morning light. This is also the name of the star that can often be seen at dawn. Basically, considering that big star on my chest, this name is perfect for me. I wonder... If we can still establish that bond, should I tell him my real name. Although... I'm dead. My real name is just a distant echo of the past.

I mentally shook my head. Let's not drive the horses. It takes time for the connection between the Cybertronian and the thorntail. Such things don't tolerate haste.

"Chirrp," I replied, nodding my head. "Chirrp!"

"So, Aurora it is," Optimus beamed and gently ran his palm down my back. I continued to purr, arching like a cat, but over time I began to feel sleepy. It seems that bathing in a warm liquid has greatly relaxed me, so I began to fall asleep. Optimus apparently noticed and, making me comfortable in his hands, whispered softly, "Have a nice recharge, Rora."

And with this pleasant wish, I fell asleep.